Z.2 - 'Helleluiah' was their prayer

'Helleluiah’ was their prayer

A second piece about being ‘different’ and how you might get treated by ‘Them’.

There comes a time when there is nothing to look forward to. When the past is filled with hurt and terror and shame and no expectation of improvement.

And, for some, there will be a turning point.

Life is not completely black and white. In the darkest corner there may be a speck of something shining. Despite the most earnest pleas from the typical ‘christian’ I can’t believe that god (if indeed s-he-it exists in anything approximating the form that any of his followers believe ) divides as starkly as do those who follow that ‘god’ into black and white. Nor can I go with the (primarily) Catholic option of provided you repent at the very very last second of your life then you’ll be ok. Being kind of egocentric for a moment, if this wonderful all-powerful, all-forgiving god demands that I accept the compilation of myths and legends that have grown up around what people think they know about him then, sorry and all that, too much of it doesn’t make sense. I’m sure I could write that better given time (and a very large pad of paper).

I am just about willing to accept that if this god or any of his coterie of other gods do actually exist then they are quite likely very far beyond our comprehension and very likely we are beyond their comprehension. To be blunt, if they are as far beyond us as we are beyond the ant – and we can only understand the anthill in bulk and certainly not as individuals – how can any of us dare pontificate about ‘what we know about god’. Pfffafff and Piddle. And sundry words suggesting concern, dissent and willingness to be uncertain.

And yes, if life is more than just black and white, that also means that even when the sun is shining brightest that there may be something black and vile hiding in the shadows.

But what are the reasons for hiding. Do you do it as evil things do so as to leap from hiding and do vileness; or do you hide either yourself or your possessions so that evil does not find you.

And have I hidden – yes – but let me tell you why. I was ashamed of one facet of my character. If I use such a word as ‘facet’ then I imply that (from some views) I feel that I may also be a bit of a gem perhaps. However raw and unpolished. So ‘facet’ is probably the wrong word. But, in passing, I would like to believe that almost every human is a potential gem.

I have lived long enough to feel that such a belief is fragile; which upsets me each time the thin ice of my belief is cracked. But I try to believe in the best of everyone I meet. I try to believe that the occasional nastiness occurs for reasonable reasons and that at other times they do not behave so poorly. I know I fail too and that my tolerance is, at best, quirky and over-filled with stereotypes.

But when my hopes come true, then I feel good. My inner and outer self work together to provide value.

I have been to the bottom. I took myself there by believing that I was of no value, worthless, incompetent and indecisive. The truth was that I was comparing myself to people who had complete certainty in their excellence, their competence and their decision-making. And beside them I was indeed, at times, less; or I perceived myself to be less.

But at many other times – the two of us could perform far better than either of us alone. At other times, I did well, helped kindly, listened generously and got near the best I could deliver.

But it was my perception that took me down the slope. And the slope is slippery. And like too many people of low self-esteem, the next step was to escape into a fantasy life and the perils of addiction. So – what led to my peril? What did I do that was so wrong?

I liked women’s clothes.

Not just when wrapped around the attractive or even not-so attractive body of a woman. I liked the feel of them wrapped round ME.

And apparently this is wrong. Apparently, this is so wrong that I am beyond the pale. Such that I should be forced from the tribe and condemned to a fate worse than murderers, rapists, whoremongers and abusers of the soul. The haters know that I am destined for the hell they believe in. Although never mentioned in their bible, they know that hell is where people go who do not obey the rules their god has created. No – sorry- not the laws that their god created but they laws THEY say were created. Ha.

If I analyse and interpret a verse to support my arguments – then they say that I am in the wrong and arguing wrongly and it is improper for them to heed my words. If they pick a verse or phrase to support an unusual, unkind or even twisted interpretation, they know that they are right and that no argument of mine can be of value. Twisting and wrongness.

The idea of noticing the treetrunk blocking their vision is truly inconceivable to them – because they are right, so certain of their rightness. Their views cannot be changed by logic because their views depend on faith.

Even the most ardent fanatic amongst them accepts that faith cannot be attained by logic. You either believe or you don’t. And they believe. And their faith is unarguable, inflexible and uncompromising.

In their book, one person asks ‘what is truth’. Their answer is ‘truth is what I believe’ which can be understood in two ways; either as ‘I believe in what is proveably true’ or ‘whatever I believe is my truth’ – which is not the same. For these people, ‘Them’, there is no need to change any part of their view merely because I provide a proof that they are misunderstanding or even wrong. Their views prevent them from being wrong. Being wrong is impossible for them.

The only events which can cause change are those which hit them in their hearts. For a very few, the discovery that a loved one has broken a significant law MAY cause them to re-assess that law. But many of them will shun and expel even the closest of family rather than allow love or forgiveness to crack their façade of self-approval and righteousness.

Faced with the choice ‘do you prefer a dead child or a live child with a habit of which you disapprove’ – how many of my haters would seem to prefer the former. I tell you true – there are some who worry more about ‘what would other people think’ rather than ‘I love my child’.

So, I’m trying to think of ways to do away with myself that yet will hurt not one of the people who might feel sorry afterwards.

Is there such a thing as a ‘quiet clean suicide’? I have already decided to provide a ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ form and I am trying to ensure that nobody is notified about any condition, illness or terminal state until I am dead. If there is a vestige of kindness and love in any of them then this may be seen as cruel or unkind by me. It may be that their attitude has given me a hard hard shell such that what love they may be offering is unseen, unheard and unfelt by me. Perhaps.

I suspect that I will not be able to hold to that determined and deliberate coldness – because that is just not the sort of person I am.

Some of these people became haters when they were told what I had done. Some were friends, colleagues, relatives but that faded with their calculated and intentional reproach. They could not separate the actual niceness that is most of me from the fractional, albeit deep, part which they despised and came to loathe.

I KNOW there is good in them because I am confident beyond logic that almost everybody is a mixture of goodness and bad. I have only met 1 couple in my 60 years that I would still try to hurt if I met them again. I asked them to work with me selling and debt-chasing. Between Christmas and New Year they copied all my records and then invoiced my clients for their benefit. The deliberate intent is what causes the most pain and is the most unforgiveable.

I know I have caused hurt – I have been told so by my victim. But was it ever deliberate – I truly hope I never did it on purpose. I did it stupidly, casually, because of my own hurt and addiction. But with cold, deliberate intent – never.

For me, the majority of hurt comes out of circumstances. The multiple choice where one must and does try to make the best possible decision even while knowing that for someone this will cause inconvenience or even damage. It’s called the Balance of Life.

I can think of no situation where someone I know tried to make a decision which would cause hurt. I know of decisions which had to benefit one person and as a side-effect would cause, at least, less benefit to another. But deliberate hurt – never.

To digress, the only people I know of who can and do cause deliberate hurt are abusers. For me, one Commandment should be ‘Do not Kill, Maim or Damage the Heart, Soul or Body of another.’ Abusers and similar people with complete lack of empathy can do this. I like them not. In these terms, a murderer, rapist or pxdophile is, for me, just a very much more revolting version of an abuser. They want POWER and they don’t care about anyone who gets in their way. Vile.

So – I want this all to stop. But I don’t know how to make my exit happen ‘nicely’. How twisted am I that even when I hurt I think of others rather than myself? I know in part this is because I do not love myself, I do not value myself, I barely like myself. What a shame. What a waste.

So, I suspect I’ll drift along getting more and more alone, lone and lonely.

If I were able to be as unkind to them as they have been to me – I would wish them to be judged as harshly as they have judged me. That since they claim to obey some 600 laws that they be judged in accord with every one of those laws and subjected to every one of the punishments. That since they prefer hate and intolerance so they be subject to exactly what they have handed out – be done by as you did.

I have heard them talk of their friends and colleagues when those people are out of sight. Their claims to being better, their claims to knowing how others should run their lives because ‘I know best’. I would wish that their targets knew everything that had been said about them and retaliated with the amount of hate that my haters have poured on me. I would wish that they could learn the results of their arrogant unkindness and then, with that horrible insight, that they be allowed to judge themselves.

If they will live forever as they believe – then should I hope that they are as lonely as I am? Forever? I can’t do it. It is not in me to do so. Perhaps their real hell would be to live forever while understanding the hurts they have delivered by their own choices.

For myself, I am trying to rebuild. They have put me into a sort of hell. Should I applaud them for their efforts – I cannot be so unkind. I will not be so unkind. It is not in me to do so.

I really thought my secret was of little significance. I really thought my secret was not dangerous, unkind, improper. I knew then and still believe that it was not evil or vile. But ‘They’ know better.

They have tried to put me into a hell that they have designed. As far as I know, their God never said there was a Hell, not by any of his perhaps non-existent components. Their bible, their holy book, never talks of a hell of fire and well-deserved cruelty. Hell is mentioned but that’s in accordance with modern translation after centuries of accepting hell as a concept. How did the translation go some 1,000 or 2,000 or 3,000 years ago?

Their bible actually says that God created evil – now there’s a complication. What is the Hell they want to send me to?

I will not hate them – it is not in me. I cannot even wish for similar unkindness to pour on them. Perhaps the worst I can manage is that some day I hope they will realize that they have been unkind and that their unkindness has blighted their hearts and souls. And, if the god in whom they believe exists with all the attributes they believe he has, then I hope his judgement is kind. I hope they meet with Love rather than the God of Vengeance and Wrath of the older myths.

There are many Creation myths. Many are oral recollections which in many cases have become part of the root of a religion. Across the world, Africa, Asian, American-Indian, Aborigine and Aleut and all the letters through to Zulu – each such group has its own creation story. And they are many and varied and wonderful. In addition, there are the creation myths of recent invention. Narnia, Middle Earth, DiscWorld, Chalion, Cthulthu and so many more – and some of them are full of wonder too.

Even for the scientists, there is a gap at the beginning of it all. And into that gap, or perhaps out of that gap comes one single unproveable statement ‘Out of Nothing came Something’. Perhaps many scientists and quantum-physics-philosophers would prefer to say ‘Out of nothing that we understand came something we do understand in part’.

But this is very little different from the majority of religions which say ‘It began like this out of nothing and we need no further explanation’. To make such a blunt and unquestioning statement is to ignore and be uncaring about the wonders that have been created since the beginning of the Universe (however that happened).

Moving onwards through the eons, life began. Now I don’t know any scientist who has a proveable theory for how life began (on Earth) [we have no evidence for life anywhere else]. But the priests have nothing to offer beyond ‘it began because our god wanted it to be so’. To me this sounds like, ‘Believe because we say so’. How can a willingness to be ignorant be a worthwhile quality in a human.

At the next step, one has to consider Consciousness. The religious would go further and talk of Souls as well – but who knows if they exist or not? At what point do I or you or my inner self or your soul get further than being a figment of my imagination? Versions of this question have been posed and incomplete answers have come from Descartes, Bertrand Russell and many others.

And in all this piled-up heap of guesswork, supposition, wishful thinking, guilt, manipulation and vagueness, I am supposed to believe and accept that if I don’t obey a moral code specific to a particular group of nomadic middle eastern tribesmen from some 4,000 years ago ….. then I will be destined for a hell even they didn’t yet believe in. Golly. Wow.

So – while ‘They’ may pray in their self-centred ugly way that I go to Hell because I offend their narrow views, I hope only that they will be judged less harshly than I think they deserve. Would undeserved kindness be a sort of Hell for them?

I would like to imagine a hell where they are told they must obey every rule they have every imagined but that these rules, laws, edicts, demands don’t need to be obeyed by anybody else – just them. And that almost every one of these rules is meaningless. I need to think of a more clever hell – just for the haters.

Perhaps a hell where everyone hates them – for no valid reason. Perhaps a hell where they can’t understand why they are hated.

All these ideas make my head and my heart hurt. I can’t hate them enough to work out what would

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