18 – A Glow Within
But his friend Trudy liked it and that made it okay...
A dare to act as a pregnant girl was credited to Mel,
Acting as that pregnant student is Melanie’s roll into February…
Melanie woke up in the morning with a growing sensation that something was different. She thought her mind is was playing games as her body felt very different. She patted herself dry and put on fresh panties. When she put on her bra she felt a sensation underneath her breast forms that stirred her stronger than before. She thought it must be her mind playing games as she had an appointment with Dr. Kylie at 3:00 p.m.
She'd been up late last night as she would be again tonight and every night until Friday when her report was due. She was glad that her presentation wouldn’t be due until next week. She had gone well beyond the minimum report requirements which should sit well with the office’s expectation of the old Melvin. Studies as a whole have gone very different for Melanie; well enough that everyone was encouraging her to retake her college entrance exams that she took last year.
Melanie realized as she got Suzi and Sherry up that she was looking extra sharp. Her new dress fitted snuggly in all the right places in spite of her losing five pounds since she bought it
Uncle Ron noticed as she sat down for breakfast. “Melanie, what mischief are you up to. You’re glowing this morning.”
“Can’t be Uncle Ron; I was up past midnight on my project.” Marti listened as she entered the room with Megan. “Melanie, I would say you look extra feminine this morning. Really you are totally girl. I probably shouldn’t say you look like a girl, because it doesn’t make sense to tell a girl she looks like a girl.”
Marti asked me to hold Megan as she got a croissant and spread a small spoon of fruit preserves on it. She got a glass of milk to go with her cup of tea.
I’ve wandered into the hall taking Megan with me. I can tell she’s alert today as she kept her eyes on me and listened as I talked to her. Uncle Ron enjoyed me holding her, “Be patient you will have her all during school,” I said. I sat so her big sisters could enjoy her for a moment.
I gave her to Uncle Ron, and then grab my purse, books, and coat. Sandy had just pulled into the driveway to give me a ride to school.
I was hit with the feeling again as I sat in the car. “Melanie what did you do, you look radiant this morning?” I giggled, “There must be something about being a new Mom that agrees with me.” Oops, I forgot to say good-bye to Sarai and Amanda and give them a kiss. I did it with Megan, but not my own girls.
Sandy stuck out her left hand. Not waiting for me to respond, she says, “Ken gave me a promise ring last night when he asked about taking me to the prom.” It’s a pretty sapphire ring circled with small diamonds. I wonder if they’re really diamonds. “Ken said they better be diamonds as expensive as the ring was,” she said reading my mind. Ken has been working for two years: so I expect they’re likely what he says.
After we parked at school, we walked over to Sharon and her friend Deb. Sharon looked at me and twice looked back to Deb.
“What is that look about,” I asked?
Sharon smiled, “You’re becoming good looking girl, and Deb and I were just talking about it. You look especially pretty this morning. So I looked over and saw you both glowing.”
Emotions crashed over me like a wave, and I ran into the school to one of the stools in the girl’s room. I’m not quite sure why I’m crying, except the compliments felt like a practical joke. I know they can’t be true. I also felt bad because this should be Sandy’s special morning with the ring Kenny gave her.
Sharon is there as I make my way back out to the sink and mirror. She joked, “I don’t know why your worry about the compliments. And now you've gone and messed up your makeup.” Sharon waits as I repair my makeup.
When I come out of the girl’s room, Ms Braun greets me and asks me to accompany her to her office. For the first time in a month I’m in trouble with the office for not being authorized to be in a girl’s room.
Ms. Braun sat down across from me shaking her head, “Melanie even though many of the girls and I are quite used to you as a girl. You don’t have permission to use that girl’s room even with a girl checking to see if it is clear. Do not do that ever again or you will be in more trouble. Also I wanted to ask how your report is coming and when you’re going back to being Melvin.”
“I’m sorry about using the wrong girl’s room; I just had a little melt down and needed a place to be safe to relax until I collected myself.” I looked at her with a sense of confidence and conviction. “My report is coming along fine and has become something I’m proud of. Regarding going back to dressing like Melvin, Dr. Kylie wants it to be by the first of March. That maybe a little later than you targeted for me, but personally I’d like to finish out the school year as Melanie and graduate.”
Ms. Braun’s jaw drops and starts to move up and down unable to catch a thought. “I’m sorry but that would be like someone wanting to do more detention days than required. It smacks of rubbing our faces in your defiance. I’m sure we won’t permit it.”
“Well that would just be too bad as I believe that would be against my right to embrace my gender identity. Your disciplinary action has led me to wrestle with and embrace myself. It’s in ways that I never would have thought possible the past few months.” I stood as it was time for my first class. “If we’re done I’d like to get ready for my first class.” I paused and while she was speechless, I left.
I texted Trudy that I wanted to see her after school as I figured out the aura that others were taken with this morning. I celebrated Sandy’s good news most of the morning, not wanting the focus on me. We went to lunch and sat together to eat. Sandy looked at me and asked, “You’ve come to peace with being Melanie haven’t you?”
I'm no longer puzzled as that’s what I realized earlier that morning. “I just realized that now and you already knew?” Sandy hugs me, “I think something told us at the same time. It’s a girl moment, sometimes girlfriends have such moments, and you’ve become one of my closest girlfriends.” We take hold of each others’ hand with a gentle squeeze. “What does Trudy think?”
“I’m not sure, but she might have realized it ahead of me. The kicker is, apart from me she’s not attracted to other girls. Before I became Jill, I had no thought of my going to college in relation to where Trudy or anyone else would. I didn’t have close friends before.”
“You might want to apply to and make some college visits as Melanie,” Sandy suggests.
‘Woe, I hadn't been thinking ahead.’ Sandy taps my shoulder and then gives me a hug; “There will be many more decisions and changes you need to make if you’re to become Melanie permanently. I for one think it might be harder going back to Melvin than remaining as Melanie. You know I’d like to call you Mel but I’m afraid you’d think I’m referring to Melvin… I guess I shouldn’t be pushing for Melanie; you need room to make the right decision when the time comes.”
This time it's me initiating the hug, “You’re more than welcome to call me Mel if it’s just you and those close to us.”
Sharon sits across from us and I can tell from her eyes she’s already into our conversation. “So what do you think,” Sandy asks her?
“It is too private and too long of conversation for here; we need a power trip to the mall,” Sharon said as she smiled. “Melanie will need some spring clothes anyway with her changing body.”
Though I probably won’t buy anything, we’re set to go after school. I texted Trudy before lunch was finished with the request she be with me. Trudy is in on the plan.
School goes well as I’m able to download a few more articles for my report. Steven sat next to me in American History. He wanted a yes about prom. His presence was exciting as well as distracting. But I didn’t say what he wanted to hear.
Sandy and Sharon were giving me a hard time on the way to the Woodbridge Mall. Until I finally ask, “Why are you two giving me a hard time?” Sandy giggles uncontrollably and while Sharon giggles she says, “It looked like you were giving Steven a hard time. It even looked like you enjoyed doing so you little tease.”
I was about to protest their insinuations but find I couldn’t. “He just wanted to have a pretty girl go with him. If Steve, was more obsessed with me that would be different.”
“This is what really needs to be talked about. More and more you’re beyond just looking like a girl, aren’t you Melanie.”
Once we’re out of the car Sharon and Sandy give me a big hug. Sandy tells me, “Don’t shut down. I think Trudy needs to be in on this discussion.” I do a little touch-up before we meet Trudy.
Sandy and Sharon both hug and speak to Trudy before I do. Looking at me, Trudy asks, “Did I create a little monster?”
“No, I just think Jill turned into Melanie. I don’t think I want to go back to being Melvin, but that’s not about you. Today when I woke up I was Melanie. I was glowing and everyone commented before I realized I had become fully me.” Trudy looked at Sandy and Sharon and they each confirmed how radiant I was this morning.
While we’re talking I got a call from Dr. Kylie’s clinic. It is now after five and I had missed my appointment. Dr. Kylie wanted me in her office the tomorrow at 11:30 a.m., no excuses. I’m not sure what is so urgent, but I plan to speak up for remaining the new me. I text Mom about the appointment and asked her to be with me. She had tried to get a hold of me after school I guess it was when I was communicating with Trudy. I hadn’t checked my messages since then.
Today, Uncle Ron leaves to rejoin his ship and I have a doctor’s appointment before noon. I was sent to school until 10:30 a.m.; ‘Please tell me why anyone would think I’m going to really benefit from going to school that short time. I had to redo my makeup two times before I left the house. Four months ago, if my sister Sara was crying over Uncle Ron going back from leave; I would have told her to get a life. Truly, I would not have seen any reason for any fuss. I thought girls and their feelings were totally irrational and silly.
Now I understand why Aunt Marti is so passionate for Ron, and how a mother feels anxious for her children. I even kinda hope that I have someone I love as much. But I wouldn’t want that person in the service and going around the world. Interesting enough, Uncle Ron and others must see the aura again because he and others say I’m still glowing. I do tear when I say goodbye to Ron, but it’s not about me and his compliments.
My time at school is short and my Mom drives me to my appointment with Dr. Kylie. We make small talk with no problem, but I sense Mom knows more than she is telling me. We’re in the waiting room a short time before I’m called in to the exam room. I need to have blood drawn and to give a urine sample, yuck.”
“Melanie, I am glad to confirm one thing while perplexed by other developments. All tests show that you haven’t been taking any extra medicine since we told you not to. Yet tests show your natural production of estrogen and other female hormones are out of the normal range for a healthy male.”
“This puts us at an unusual predicament, especially in light of your body producing healthy breast tissue. Your mother tells me she’s too is a bit less alarmed. She’s wondering if in fact you are becoming their second daughter rather than her son.” I look to Mom; “Your Mom says she and your Father think you probably need to contemplate your emerging identity as well as your body’s changes.”
I asked, “Is there a time I either need help not returning to be Melvin and to develop as a girl, or to decide against maturing as Melvin? I know I should be seeing me as Melvin but I don’t.”
Dr. Kylie smiled and then quickly went to a more stoic face, “Those are very good questions and the kind of questions a healthy person should be asking. It is likely that your female development such as the formation of breast tissue will not reverse easily, but we could stop it. I have talked with experts in this area and their concern is more with the stopping the blockers in this process if you are to continue as a young woman.”
“Concerning your male reproduction organs, it is suggested that we should harvest and safeguard the sperm you’re still producing. It is likely you have at least two-three months before those organs shut down. Increased use of female hormones would stop sperm production and diminish the production of male sexual characteristics. Truth be told Melanie, even when I first saw you as a patient, your male organs were not as fully developed as I would expect for someone your age.”
“So what are we to do at this point in time,” I asked?
Dr. Kylie asked in turn, “Are there any special things going on in your life that we should take into consideration?”
Mom spoke up, “She will need something for the school to validate her continuing as a female student. Mel also is hoping to go to two proms this spring. She has already been pressing us to remain as Melanie. She has both a girlfriend and a young man interested in going with her to the proms.”
“I would,” Dr. Kylie said, “suggest you either just continue with the blockers and the light hormone therapy regiment we had you use before. The other option is to raise it to stimulate your own body’s production of female hormones to help you to continue develop as a young woman. I prefer stimulating your own production of hormones instead of you being dependent on hormone therapy on an ongoing basis. Hoping it be successful, you will meet with me every other week to monitor your development and blood chemistry.”
I am so excited that I’m having trouble containing my composure. “If I develop as a woman, will I likely grow to look like my sister and mother? Could it be determined by the source of the hormones injected into my body?”
“Another very fine question Mel, I see someone has given this some thought. The DNA you have will most likely determine that. If your DNA is closer to your Mom and Sara it would likely promote you to develop with similarities to them.”
I begin to shake noticeably, Mom and Dr. Kylie ask how I’m doing. “Mom, I’m so excited because I want to be your daughter and Sara’s sister. Something seems to be telling me to hold onto what is important. Like I love Trudy but I want her, Sandy and Sharon to always be my friends, not just for now. I’m afraid if I put emphasis on loving Trudy, I would lose her as a best friend.”
“Mom, can we talk without Dr. Kylie, mother and daughter like?” Dr. Kylie excused herself, but I called to her. “No, I need to be done here so we can have time together. I want the hormone therapy to be noticeably stronger, please.”
Dr. Kylie turned to Mom, “It looks like we can agree to that. Would you like your first shot before you go, or would you rather get away with your mother sooner?” It took a half hour, but I was given my first shot. I also have an appointment to see a therapist, Regina Tanner.
After driving us home, Mom took me to her bedroom. It is the first time I feel like Melanie, being in my Mom’s room as her daughter. I am nervous like never before and shudder as many new feelings wash over me. It is actually neater than what I felt when I was giving birth. “Mom, I feel like your daughter and it feels so good.”
“I know dear, I can see it in your eyes. Somehow I know they’re Melanie’s eyes and I feel happy for you. Melanie, you are my daughter. Was there something you thought of at the doctor’s office you wanted to talk about?”
“Mom, this is going to sound crazy and a daughter probably shouldn’t say or talk about this with her Mom. I would be talking with Marti if I didn’t with you, and I don’t think that would be right for either of you.”
“I love Trudy, but I don’t want us to promise forever yet. I do want to make love to her as Melanie. I wouldn’t tell you about it, but I don’t want it as something cheap. I don’t know what happens if girls are found crying in their room without telling their Mom why.”
Mom sighs as she hugs me; she kisses my forehead. “What Mom?”
“You’re going to learn soon enough. Moms, daughters, women in general have sighs and moments words can’t express. It’s going to seem strange for both of us. We’re going to talk and just be there for each other in ways that wouldn’t have happened before. Yet somehow, I’ve felt this spirit in you before. The fact our first talk is on such a subject is unusual and a bit more forthright to say the least.”
Mom paused, now I’m wondering if it were a mistake to mention about making love with Trudy. Then Mom pulls me to her again and we’re just there for a while. “Thanks for trusting me about Trudy; I’m only going to say there are decisions only you can make. It’s not about being given permission; I don’t think you were even asking for that. You need to know I love you. And I have very mixed emotions; I won’t give you permission, nor just say ‘No.’ Please know I don’t want anything ever to be so big that my love for you won’t be bigger.”
“You and I can both be stubborn or strong willed. Sometimes it might take a while for the love… the love to show through.” Mom’s eyes and voice filled with emotions as did mine. We are crying but neither of us is hurting.
“Melvin,” Mom looks at me with tears in her eyes, “I don’t think I’m ever going to fully have you back again. You’re welcome, very welcome if you do. I want to seriously talk about whether this is a good idea. We need to do it soon. Please do not go rushing off with Trudy or without seeing this from Melvin’s point of view.
‘Lastly, I need a chance to say how much I love you and to say good-bye with Melvin if that’s the choice to be made. So many memories of Melvin will always be with you. You couldn’t have had a better guy to begin your life as Melanie.”
Sara knocked at the door, “I know this is a special time, but Trudy and Aunt Marti have each called.”
We checked our watches and over three hours had passed like thirty minutes. “Thanks, I guess we will have to learn to have out these moments. Hopefully not so long, yet it was time well needed.”
Mom looked at me, “Don’t you have a dance to go to tonight?”
“Steven will need to realize a girl can change her mind. There is no way I can go to the dance and act like something big didn’t just happen.”
Sara’s home from college and after I talk to Trudy, I look for Sara to talk. Sara soon calls off her plans and takes me up to her room for a talk. The last big talk we had there was when I was dressing as Jill. She smiled, shook her head and giggled, “You know when you were dressing as Jill, I thought you were in over your head. But I could never have dreamed how beautifully this is turning out.”
“I know you’re not deciding everything now, but I was thinking. Your breasts already are developing as a girl. Are you going to have your… penis removed?”
“I’ve not decided, I only know they’re not Melanie’s. I was told I need to talk to other doctors and people… other than Dr. Kylie. I realized earlier today not only how much I want to be a girl, but I want to be your sister. I want to be Mom and Dad’s daughter and to have close girlfriends like Sandy and Sharon as well as Trudy.”
Sara and I talked a good hour before our stomachs began to make noises. Sara asked, “Do you think you’re able to manage finding out who you really are concerning being a guy or woman without you and Trudy tearing apart?”
“I understand what you’re wanting as my sister and I’m with you all the way. I’d just encourage you to slow down and just walk along with her. You need to learn about loving who you love. You might think seriously about going to the same university yet each have your lives a bit apart… I mean like not rooming together or taking the same major or many of the same classes.”
To be continued…
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