The Crossdresser's Placement Agency

With apologies to those of you who weren't around to listen to radio in the sixties, I'll start this with a famous quote. In the immortal words of the Chicken Man: "They're everywhere, they're everywhere". Crossdressers, that is. In the last week everywhere I look I see a crossdresser, right out there in public.

First there was the color coordinated Dennis Rodman with green hair and white wedding dress. Then I was cruising through my local megagrocery store, the one with the film lab in the front, and stopped to check out their picture of the week. Usually it's a cute little kid or kitten of something wholesome like that, but this week it was a guy in wig, hot pants and a couple of round somethings stuffed under his T-shirt. Returning home I pick up the paper and Ann Landers has her second column this month devoted to crossdressing, and most of the letters are positive. I went to a concert on Saturday night and the singer does a song with a verse about visiting her neighbor Joe, but since he's wearing a dress today she'll call him Stephanie, and everything's cool in suburbia. Then there are the movies, it seems every male actor in Hollywood is lining up to do their next movie in drag. The new issue of MAD came today and what do I see but Luke Skywalker in garters and Chewie in a low cut dress, which makes me feel a whole lot better about my body hair after seeing Chewie in drag. What's going on here? Are we about to hit the big time and become acceptable?

It was thinking about the movies that gave me the answer. Remember way back to 2001: A Space Odyssey, when every other scene featured some mundane commercial product in futuristic form? There are agents who spend all their lives trying to get their product on camera in the hopes you will drink the same hooch or drive the same car the star is using on screen. With diligent research I have discovered what's happening. The American Lingerie Manufacturers has hired a big time Hollywood placement agency. In the hopes of doubling their product sales overnight they have contracted to place crossdressers before the public in the hopes every man on the planet will get an irresistible subliminal urge to start wearing bra and panty sets.

By George, wouldn't you like to eavesdrop on the agent? Lets use a suitably androgynous name like "Bernie". I'll leave the details of clothing, underwear and padding to your imagination. Since the Fashion Gods have decreed that cigars are no longer smelly, cancer causing, evil and disgusting, we can be politically correct in imagining our agent leaning back in an enormous chair, telephone in one hand and cigar in the other, with a client on the line. It might go something like this:

[Hollow intercom voice: "Mr. Fisher on Line 1"]

"Good morning, George, how's life in the Big Yellow Box? Say, George, now that Santa is done with Dennis and you have your corporate feet wet in our lifestyle I got a couple ideas for you. You know how Kodak likes to stress the true to life color of your film? Well, look, I got more than a few clients that tend to be rather colorful, both in dress and lifestyle. What better way to point up the color quality of your product than a spread on my people?"

"Oh. Sure, George, I understand. After Dennis a study of stained glass church windows is just the thing for balance. I tried, George, just remember that when Fuji starts their next campaign. My people use an awful lot of film, you know.."

["Mr. Lucas on line 2"]

"Georgie baby, good to hear from ya. Listen, Georgie, I just saw your re-release and it was great, I gotta thank you for including one of my people in the bar scene. It's a natural, Georgie, truly a natural. Say what? Well, of course my clients are not purely natural, I gotta admit that, but come on, this is the 90s and you're showing the 23rd century or some such. The future belongs to my people.

"Listen Georgie, I got this idea, it's terrific. Next time you do a film where Harrison has to disguise himself what say you hire some of my people as script consultants. I guarantee no one will recognize him when we get done!"

["Mr. Steinbrenner on line 1"]

"Hello, George, what can I do for you. How's it feel to own a winning team after all these years? Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Well, you gotta admit the strike did screw up fan loyalty. Listen, George, I think I can solve your problems. Now, don't get me wrong, but the action in baseball is kinda slow, you gotta supply something to keep the fans interested while they're waiting for the next pitch. Look, you provide the uniforms and I'll get a dozen or so of my people as cheerleaders for the team before the next season starts. In New York it will be a natural!

["Mr. Hashimoto on line 3"]
(So OK, I ran out of Georges)

"Good morning, Sir. I understand you are about to introduce a new luxury convertible to the American market. I have a suggestion to help you cash in on our changing corporate lifestyle. Picture this, we start out in a boardroom, young, hard working executive just ending a presentation. Sexy voice over asking what does he do to relax after a stressful day. We watch him open the door to his office, his name prominent on the door. Inside he removes suit coat and tie, turns his back to the camera and pulls up his shirt. A quick flash of a bra band under the shirt, then cut to the door opening again. He comes out en femme and proceeds to drove off in your convertible, long hair and scarf flying in the wind. Great, isn't it!"

I know it's not the way the Japanese do things, Mr. Hashimoto, but we Americans are rather different. Think about it, you'll like it."

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