Alexa Chapter 37: Action & Reaction

Not only was school waiting for us as we returned home after spring break, but so was winter. The cold and snow continued on. And on. And on. It was a downer that threatened to erase the great memories of our chance to see friends and make new ones. The saddest one in the apartment though may have been Katie. She, like we had last fall, had fallen in love with London. Not just the sights but the friends. She wouldn’t stop talking about the sights, the parties and the rest of the girls. We laughed, because I am sure we had been the same way. She tried to deny it, but we knew better.

And it wasn’t just school and the weather that were waiting for us on our return, there was also family. Specifically, my family. Danny had met us at the airport when we returned. That was not surprising, and I don’t know who was more excited to see whom. It was like a bad movie when the two spotted each other and they ran to each other and kissed. Jenny and I couldn’t stop laughing and thought we should get into the act. I told Jenny to stay right there. I dropped my bags next to Jenny and walked about 20 feet and turned and ran screaming back to Jenny “Oh I missed you” I squealed as I leaped towards my fiancée. We shared a kiss and earned a growl from my brother. “I didn’t miss you two” Danny told us as we teased the two love birds. Our laughter at my brother made it almost impossible to walk to my car. Which he had ‘borrowed’ to pick us up.

But Danny’s auto theft was the least of the Quinn problems. I swear my mother had been checking Delta’s flight status on line, because we had barely made off the airport property when my phone started going off in the personalized ring tone. Danny began laughing at me as I groaned about the incoming call. “Hi mom” I answered while Jenny and Katie tried not to giggle at my irritation. “I planned on calling when we got to the apartment. We haven’t even left the airport yet.”

“What took so long? I thought you were due in at quarter to 4? It is almost 6 O’clock?” I reminded her that we had to clear customs first. “Oh, that’s right. I was just anxious to see how your trip was. Did you have a good time? Did Katie enjoy herself?” Then came the question knew she was most anxious to ask, “How did the dress look?” I pulled the phone away and let out a low groan before I brought the phone back up and let mom know it was gorgeous and that I would show her pictures next weekend when we came down. “You’re not coming down this weekend?” she asked almost offended. I told her I needed to figure out what was going on with school and get my life organized. She tried to guilt me that it was Palm Sunday and should be home, but I stayed strong and said I would see her next weekend. After I ended the call I gave out a stress relieving scream.

As we settled back in I knew mom was going to be just one person that I was going to have long chats with now that I had made a decision on surgery. There was going to be Marty and Mary, and most important the person that held the most sway in this decision, Debbie. I would need her approval to move forward with the surgery. I would see her Monday and hopefully I would start the ball rolling. As we sat around trying to recover from our flight that night, I realized there was one more person I needed to talk with that would be awkward. My brother. That opportunity came the next morning.

I was the first to wake in the apartment, at least I think I was. I tried to go back to sleep, but it proved to be a pointless battle. Jenny lay next to me, sound asleep and lightly snoring, which she claimed she didn’t do. I gave her a soft kiss on the cheek and slid out of bed, I donned my robe and made my way to the kitchen where I got the coffee going. I slid on to the couch and began going through the mail that had accumulated during our vacation. I didn’t get very far when I was joined by Danny. He sat down in the chair and began teasing me a bit that I should be sleeping. I of course told him to be quiet, which surprisingly he did. After a few minutes, I decided it was time to break the silence. “Danny, there is something I want to talk to you about.” He asked if I was pregnant before he fell into a fit of laughter. I just stared at him for a moment before just saying what I wanted to say. “Danny, I am going to have surgery.” His laughter quickly stopped.

“You mean?” He asked with a surprised expression. I nodded, and Danny sat back trying to comprehend what I had just said. “When did you decide this, London?”

“Sort of.” I answered. “Debbie had bought it up before the Super Bowl. Jenny and I had talked, but I still had some concern. When we were in London, I had a chance to talk to some of my friends who have been through it and one who is going to have the surgery soon. Everyone said the same thing, I need to want it myself. And I do Danny, I want to continue this journey.” I was almost pleading my case like I was begging for something. Danny’s reaction was one I never expected.

“Okay what can I do?” He said. I lost it. The tears streamed as I ran and gave my brother a hug. Unlike most times, he didn’t tell me to get off him, he just hugged me back. “If this is what you want, I’m with you Alexa.” He told me as he held on to me. For the first time probably, ever, I felt loved by someone in my family other than my mother. When I finally let go, the smile on Danny’s face was a smile of warmth and understanding. He didn’t tell me to get off him or to leave him alone, he just continued to smile. It was the person that hugged him next that he complained about, “Jenny, get off me.” He said, but never losing eye contact with me. Jenny obliged and dragged me over to the couch. As soon as she finished her hug, Danny addressed her, asking if she was ready. She nodded. “Good, because like I told you she is all yours.” Jenny smiled and hugged me again and told my brother she knew. “I do have one request of you two.” Danny said. Jenny and I looked at my brother with a bewildered look. I asked him what. A bigger grin broke out across his face “I want to be there when you tell mom and Adam.”

Adam. Of all the people I had to tell, he was one person that I had not even thought about telling. How would he react? The few times I had been around Adam since Christmas, we had been ‘cordial’ to one another, but no where near even the level we had been before this adventure began. That was going to be a slippery slope, but one I was willing to put off until the last possible moment. I hid it in the recesses of my mind and continued the recovery of our latest London holiday.

After a weekend of laundry and sleep, going back to classes was almost welcome though the brain didn’t want to come back as fast as the professors wanted. We were in the home stretch now, six weeks left of school. The pressure was on now to finish this chapter of my life and the professors were ready to make sure I worked that whole time. The professors got on their kick of assigning papers instead of having a final. I had two papers for each of my Irish Lit and Senior Sem classes and one massive story for my advanced Creative Writing course that I had put zero thought into. As I realized what lay ahead of me with school and wedding planning I became nervous. Was I going to make it? Add to that the planning for my future changes and I became more stressed. It was with this cloud of stress hanging over me that I carried into Dr. Burke’s office.

Debbie was a bit behind schedule, so I hung out in the lobby paging through the internet trying to search for paper topic ideas. I put the idea about the Creative Writing paper to the side and concentrated on the topics of my four other papers. I was lost in my research when Debbie finally came out to get me. “You survived?” Debbie said to me as she stood there, grinning down. I knew where this was going but wasn’t in the mood to deal with it out here, so I followed my counselor back to her office and took my normal seat. For some reason, Debbie was in an even bigger smart alek mood than usual and the grin that went along with that only seemed to widen as she took a seat. After getting situated she looked at me “So Karaoke Winner, how was the trip?” I slumped back into the couch as Debbie reached for her tablet and pushed something. She spun it around to show me the Facebook video that Steph had posted. I felt like a child at that point.

“How did you find out?’ I asked, feeling as guilty as ever. I looked up to see Debbie smiling away.

“My sister saw it on Facebook. She is a fan of the group and is aware of who Nikki is and knows I know Bev. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I realized who the other two were. You four are good.” Bev said with another laugh. I tried to stare a hole in my counselor, but all it did was cause her to laugh more. “So, besides the pubs, did you enjoy yourself?”

“We had a great time and yes, we did things other than party. We had our fittings and saw the sights. And yes, we finally met Bev.” I told my counselor, who just nodded and said she had a report and teased me for being a kiss up. After accusing Debbie that she had someone spy on us, I went on to tell her some of the other highlights of our trip. I went on about the Angel party and our sightseeing adventures. I showed Debbie the picture of me, Jenny and Katie crossing Abbey Road. Debbie teased me a bit about being a typical tourist. I told her all about the dress and showed her a picture of that too. “Don’t tell Jenny about it” I warned my counselor. After exhausting as many tales as I felt safe telling Debbie, we got to the second most important thing of my trip over.

‘So, did you get a chance to sit down with Nikki?” I nodded “How did that go? Did she have some good insights?” she asked in follow up. I nodded and then began in a bit on our conversation. I also told her I had talked with Paige, who was having her surgery at the end of next month and Jamie. “You talked to Jamie-Lee Burke about surgery?” Debbie said almost in shock. I giggled a bit and told her of course I had.

“Why wouldn’t I talk to a friend who had been through it?” Debbie starred at me deadpan and accused me of being a name dropper. And she was not surprised I had sought out Paige’s counsel as well. I told Debbie they all had great insights about what they went through or were going through. “But they all said the same thing, they were doing it for themselves.” Debbie nodded and agreed that was the only reason to do it. I let my smile fade a bit and then looked down at my hands. I didn’t realize I had been so nervous that I was now squeezing them together and turning my knuckles white. My emotions started to bounce all over. As confident as I had been when I told Jenny and Katie and Danny, I was now as nervous as I had been when I first came here. Debbie didn’t say anything as I sat there I tried to get my nerves under control. I half looked up and said, “I want the surgery for myself too.” There. I had said it to someone who could do something about it. A new step had been taken on this journey. Debbie said nothing, and then a smile started to form.

“I am not surprised. And I don’t even have to ask what Jenny’s response was.” Debbie said, “What did your mother say when you told her?” I sheepishly told her I hadn’t yet. I was planning on telling her when we went down this weekend for Easter. Debbie nodded and asked if I had told anyone else and I told her I had told Katie on the flight home and I had told Danny Saturday morning. Debbie was a bit surprised that I had told him and not my mother.

“As much of a tough guy front he puts up, he has supported me pretty much since the funeral. At first, I thought it was Katie giving him orders, but now I think it was all him. He likes to put on the macho man image, but when I told him I felt…loved.” As I said this I teared up a bit. Debbie nodded over that. But then got serious.

“You do realize that may not be the reaction of everyone. Adam is going to be the one I will be most interested in and his reaction.” I nodded at her concern, but my older brother’s views on my life were not the most prominent things on my mind. I began to question Debbie earnestly over the process of beginning the next phase of my life. Debbie began going over everything that would be coming up. The appointments with the surgeons, the continued counseling with her and the things I would need to do to prepare myself for the surgery physically. The whole time she was talking though, the image of my oldest brother would pop into my mind like an annoying pop-up ad on the internet. I could see the derision and laughter in his face as I tried to listen to everything Debbie was saying. There was no chance of an ad blocker for my brother.

Following my meeting with Debbie, the rest of the week seemed to fly by. Mostly because I was working hard on trying to get organized for the last few weeks of school. I had become frantic over my papers and it never seemed I had enough time to get everything done. And then when I did get home, I was having to deal with the wedding or my mother. Char was constantly on me about when we are coming down and how long we were staying. It was beyond annoying. I settled her down a bit and told her that we would be there Friday for dinner and staying until Sunday morning. We were then going to the lake. Char seemed sated by that and I dodged the question about church as much as I could. I told her we would see when we got there. While this wasn’t the answer she was looking for, it was one that kept her quiet.

The wedding plans though were coming to a head. Wednesday night we met with a couple of different photographers as we searched for the right one. This was proving to be a bigger pain than I thought. The one that Jenny really wanted was already booked for the day we had planned. Jenny was a bit miffed over this because he had said that he was open on the 30th. “Why did you even waste our time?” she practically yelled at the guy before storming out of the photographer’s office leaving me there to say good-bye to him. I got up calmly but not without shooting him a disappointed look over his scheduling error. I caught up with Jenny and tried to calm her down. It was then I realized that this whole event was beginning to weigh on my fiancée. “I’m sorry babe,” Jenny told me. “It’s just that between school and all this planning I am starting to lose my mind.” I held Jenny for a moment before we went to our next meeting which was even more of a disaster than the first.

I should have been tipped off to how this meeting would go when we entered the studio. One of the large pictures that they had up for promotion featured the son of a prominent former Congresswoman who had campaigned against same-sex marriage laws. I had recognized her son from TV and it gave me a shiver down my spine. Jenny was a bit wrapped up in her thoughts and didn’t notice who was in the photograph. The next tip off came as we sat down with the photographer.

“So, Miss Thompson, I am sorry to see that the groom couldn’t make it. So, when is the happy event?” the photographer asked. I could see the anger starting to rise in the blonde angel next to me, so I tried to jump in. I told Mr. Erickson that I was the other bride, that Jenny and I were the ones to be married. “Well that is an issue. You see I believe that gay marriage is an affront to decent moral society and I would have to decline the opportunity to photograph your event.” The way he said event caused Jenny’s face to turn beat red. I pulled her back down to her chair and decided to take this one myself.

“Excuse me?” I snapped at the smug photographer.

“As I said, I do not believe that gay marriage is a natural thing and is against the teachings of our Lord, Jesus Christ. While I know that Miss Thompson here comes from a very prominent family, I would be going against my own beliefs if I offered my services for this affair.” Now I was getting hot collar. “Now Miss, um, I’m sorry, Idid not get your name”

“Quinn. Alexa Quinn” I said through gritted teeth. The photographer went on.

“Yes, there are some other photographers I would be willing to recommend for you, but my views would not allow me to photograph your spectacle with a clear conscience, Miss Quinn.” As soon as he said my name, his expression changed from one of graciousness to one of derision. He must have figured out who I was. He sneered at me. This was my chance to say something. I stood and addressed this highly regarded photographer with as subtle venom as I could muster.

“Well I am sorry that we are not morally superior enough to allow you to stoop so low as to capture on film the lowly wedding of a member of one of the oldest and wealthiest families in Minnesota.” I reached for my silent but irate fiancée’s hand. “Come on Jenny. I guess we are not worthy to be in this man’s presence.” Jenny just starred at the man as we both stormed out This time, I was so mad I almost broke the glass door as I slammed through it. As we were making our way to the car, Jenny stopped and broke into laughter. I stopped and looked at my soulmate as if she was crazy.

“That was one of the funniest things I have ever seen! You know who you sounded like?” she asked, and I shook my head no. “Grandma!” Jenny said before she wrapped me in a hug and kissed me on the cheek before we went to the car. Rather than get all misty eyed, I sat in the passenger seat all proud of myself. Jenny noticed my smile and said nothing but took my hand. Except for telling me she loved me, that might have been the best thing Jenny had ever told me.

We had one more meeting that night and drove into the Uptown area. The photographer turned out to be another middle-aged person, but nowhere near as conservative as the last two we saw. She instantly reminded me of a ex-hippie with her long skirt and colorful sweater. She was very nice and accepted that it would be same sex marriage with no problems. “Why wouldn’t I, I’m a lesbian.”. Diane, the photographer told us. This got Jenny and I breathing a sigh of relief. We decided we liked this woman as she laid out everything she had planned. She would roam the area taking photos of not only the ceremony and reception but of the day’s preparations. Her partner would record the ceremony on video and we would be allowed to purchase all negatives from her. We agreed to all of it, but she threw in that if we would allow her to feature our wedding for promotional purposes, she would give us a discount. It took a moment of discussion for us to agree and we left with one more thing marked off our to-do list.

The rest of the week was still crazy. After spending most of Thursday in full on writing mode, I was looking forward to the weekend. There was no reason to race home following class on Friday, since Jenny had class until 2:30 and I was done at 12:30, so I took my time heading back to the apartment and getting organized. Jenny’s class being so late gave me a great excuse to ignore my mother’s pestering about being down for Good Friday service at 3:00. No matter how hard she tried, I was not going to church with her today. I was not in the mood to deal with the people at church. I already had enough on my mind as I was going to tell mom tonight of my decision. I called Debbie as I waited for Jenny to go over how I should tell mom. I think I just wanted to get a boost of confidence before I went to mom’s.

I had the car all packed and ready to go when Jenny got back from class. And even though we were only going to be in Faribault for two nights, my nervous energy had caused me to pack half of the closet. I could see Jenny wanted to tease me, but thankfully she didn’t. She must have sensed my stress level, so said nothing, just held my hand. We made it to mom’s just before she got back from church. I paced the family room as I waited for her appearance and after about 20 minutes, she came walking in from the garage. She looked accusingly at the two of us. “How long have you two been here?” she asked. I could sense I was not the only Quinn feeling a bit of stress. Jenny picked up on it and moved over to my mother.

“We just got here a few minutes ago.” Jenny said as she exchanged a hug with my mother. I still didn’t say anything and just stood there. It was only after my mother asked if I had a hug for her did I move. As I broke from the hug, I noticed my mother had a look in her eye. A look like she used to give when she knew something was coming. Mom hung her coat up and we spent the next half hour catching up with my mother, telling her about our adventures in London. I clung to Jenny like I never had before. When mom finally got up to get dinner started were Jenny and I able to talk. “Are you okay?” she asked. The concern in her voice was almost like the hospital. “Your hands are sweating, and I think you may have broken a bone in my hand.” I dropped my head on Jenny’s shoulder and just sat there for a moment. Before I could say anything, mom came back in to the room. I shot back up and we continued our conversation as if nothing odd was happening.

Dinner proved to be even more tense than the prior hour. I didn’t help things when I asked what we were having. My mother looked at me a little crossly when she answered, “Cod. Like we do every Good Friday” I let out a groan and I could see my mother’s tension rise a bit. I felt sorry for Jenny as she had to sit through the silent war. The conversation was polite, but terse. As we finished up, I told my mother there was something we need to discuss. I could see mom take a deep breath after I said this. Jenny tried to stand up and slip away, but I pulled her back down to her chair. I grabbed her hand again. Deciding that beating around the bush would just prolong the tension, I say what I had come to say. “Mom, I have decided I am going to have gender confirmation surgery.”

Silence.

Mom stood up and grabbed the bowl of rice pilaf and went to the kitchen. She put the dish on the counter and slumped over the sink. I was getting ready to say something but caught Jenny out of the corner of my eye shaking her head. Once again, she was reading my thoughts, but this time giving me advice to give mom a chance to think. Mom stayed in that position forever before turning and coming back to the table to sit down. There was a look in mom’s eyes that I couldn’t explain. It was a cross between sadness and resignation. After she got herself situated, she looked at me and asked “Why?” My answer was simple.

“Because this is what I want. This is the next step on my journey, mom.” Mom began to fiddle with the spoon that had gone unused during our meal. She looked up and we locked eyes. “Mom I need this to be me.” She nodded a bit and looked at Jenny. I could see that Jenny was just as anxious to get my mother’s thoughts as I was. Mom sighed as she continued to play with the spoon. I couldn’t take the silence and asked mom what it was that was bothering her “Are you against me going through with this?” She dropped the spoon and looked up at me. I could see tears forming in her eyes. She was almost apologetic in her answer.

“Oh no, that’s not it. I will support you in whatever you decided. It’s...” and her voice caught, and the tears began to slowly streak down her face. “I just don’t want to see my baby in pain.” And she slumped forward. As soon as the she did this, it was like a starting gun was sounded and Jenny and I raced to my mother’s side. She hugged us both and told us she was sorry. Jenny baked off a bit and let me share a hug with my mother. “I was scared enough when you were in the hospital. But now you will be in pain. That kills a mother.” Then she sat back and let out a little grin. “Someday you will understand that.” It was now my turn to lose it as I wrapped my mom up tight before the two of us were once again joined by Jenny. The three of us just held each other as we let the moment take control.

We spent the next morning helping mom around the house a bit. She had decided to have Adam over for that night, so she could have her family dinner. I was a bit nervous over all this, but thankfully Danny was going to be there. Katie had to work tonight so Danny decided to slum it at home with the rest of the family. This was going to prove to be an interesting night. I could tell that mom was a bit nervous, as she was in her taskmaster mode, giving us orders on what to do. A few times I got a bit worked up over my mother’s orders, but every time I did, Jenny was there to tell me to relax. “I am sure she is just excited that all of her children will be under one roof, so give her a break OK?” I headed my fiancée’s advice as I continued to dust the house. However, one Quinn did receive the wrath of me.

Just as I had completed my straightening up of the family room, Danny came strolling in from the garage. He was carrying a McDonalds bag and sipping on a large drink of who knows what. He dropped the bag on the table between the recliners and plopped down and began paging through some hunting or fishing magazine. Every few seconds he would reach into the bag and grab a handful of fries and stuff them into his mouth. Well most of them, a few wound up falling into the chair. “God you are a slob” I said to my brother as I stood over him. He looked up at me and asked me if I was PMSing again. “It’s bad enough you do it at my apartment, but mom has just gotten on my ass to clean this place up and then you come in and trash this place.” I hadn’t realized that I had adopted my mother’s typical stance when she was on our case, arms akimbo at the waist, practically growling at him. Danny dropped the magazine on the table and grabbed the bag. He began picking the French fries up that had dropped in the chair, before turning to me.

“Jeez, relax MOM. Don’t get you panties in a bunch” he told me as he walked through the doors into the kitchen. He passed Jenny and warned her that I was in a bad mood. I stood there and yelled some more things at my brother as the door closed about picking up the magazine and that I was sick of picking up on him. I stopped and started to tear up a bit. Jenny rushed over to check on me. I fought back the impending break down and let a smile grow.

“I guess I better get used to that?” I said with a slight smile. Jenny began to giggle and told me yes, I did. Mom came out the door and asked what all the commotion had been and why Danny was sitting in the kitchen sulking over a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. Before I could even answer, Jenny addressed my mother.

“Oh, nothing Char, just brother-sister argument. Danny was being a typical boy, being a slob and unable to take a little helpful criticism.” Mom laughed and told me to stay strong, that women are the stronger sex and left the room. Jenny and I turned and looked at each other, our mouths open. Jenny broke the minor trance. “Well I guess that is settled.” Jenny said as we giggled and followed mom into the kitchen, where the bickering between Danny and I continued. Mom and Jenny just laughed at the two of us. I think I saw a smile of pride on my mother’s face as I questioned Katie’s sanity as I spoke with her boyfriend. Meathead.

One drawback about staying at mom’s was that Jenny and I couldn’t shower together, which of course led to the inevitable argument about who goes first between Jenny and I. We always wanted the other to go first, and this time I had won. As I sat in my room waiting for Jenny, Danny came by and knocked on my door. ‘Can I come in?” He asked. He entered my room and had an odd look on his face. He asked if he could sit down and joined me on the bed. “So, are you going to tell Adam about your surgery tonight?” He asked.

I was quiet for a minute. “Yeah. I thought it would be best if he heard it from me rather than mom or you or someone else. Plus, I thought it would be better if I had people around to protect me.” I said with a laugh, which got Danny laughing for minute.

“Don’t worry about Adam. He will probably say some stupid things, but he knows better than to try anything with me around.” Danny said with his smart-ass grin. I began giggling and wrapped my brother in a big hug. At the that moment I knew I needed to ask him something and mark one more thing off my list of things to do.

“Danny, can I ask you a favor?” I asked nervously. He told me sure. I sat back and took a deep breath, “Will you give me away at my wedding?” I braced myself for a typical Danny response but then something happened. The smart-ass grin turned into a genuine one. But that wasn’t all. I watched my brother turn away and clear his throat, the same way Marty would when Jenny and I would get to him. He turned back towards me and I could see a tear had formed in his eye.

“I would be more than honored to give my kid sister away.” He told me and for the second time in a week I wrapped my brother in a hug that I thought may break his ribs. “Okay that’s enough” he said with a laugh and pushed me away. I let go, but I couldn’t help but give him a quick kiss on the cheek. He stood up and began leaving the room. Jenny happened to be entering the room just as he was leaving. He reached over and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. “Take care of her Jen. She’s a good kid” he told her and left the room. Jenny gave me a confused look and asked what that was all about, and I told her. She came over and we exchanged a kiss. I tried to make it more before Danny hollered out. “Get your ass in the shower Alexa. I need to use it too.” As far as Danny and I had come, it was good to see that things were normal around here.

After getting dressed, Jenny and I went downstairs to wait for the invasion of my oldest brother. Danny was down shortly and instantly went to the garage, only return with three beers. “I figured you would need one of these.” Danny said as he handed over the beers. The three of us tried to kick back and find something on the television but before we could settle on anything, a call came from the kitchen.

“Girls! Come in here!” Mom yelled out. When mom called out like that, there was usually something to be done that I didn’t want to do, and this time she was including Jenny too. I looked to Danny to see if he knew what was going on and he just shrugged his shoulders. I stood up and reached down for Jenny’s hand and began the walk to the gallows. Jenny tried to get me to relax as we worked our way to the kitchen door. I pushed it open and rather than find my mother with an evil grin on her face, she had a huge smile. Her smile put me even more on guard then the expected one. “Good, you both are here. I think it’s time that you two learned something.” Jenny and I looked at each trying to figure out what we were supposed to learn. “I think it is time you two learned how to make the Secret O’Hara Fried Chicken recipe.”

Jenny was excited, I however was frozen in shock. The fried chicken recipe. This was a recipe that had been handed down through the generations of the O’Hara family, but only to the women. No man in our family had ever been allowed to know the recipe. My mother has a second or third cousin who is a chef in Chicago. At the few family reunions I would attend, he was always on one of my mom’s cousins about getting the recipe. Every time he came away empty handed. Jenny and I sat in eager anticipation as mom got everything ready to allow us behind the curtain.

“Ok, girls. Pay attention. Here is one recipe card to write down the ingredients. Now listen up!” And with that mom began showing us the proper mix of spices and herbs that were needed and how to properly coat the chicken. I had once seen a TV show where a guy tried to duplicate KFC and it motivated me to try my family’s recipe. I gave up after a couple of days, this though was different. After we had fried the chicken, we put the large cast iron skillets in the oven. She turned and said two things. “Girls, this recipe can never be shared with any male in this family. It started as a joke years ago, but my mother made a pact with her sisters and cousins to never share it with anyone outside of the family.” She turned and looked at my fiancée. “Jenny this is a solemn oath and while I know you are not technically a member of this family yet, you are a member of this family and it was time” Jenny teared up a bit and hugged my mother before coming to my side with a huge smile on her face, Mom then turned and addressed me.

“And I know what you are thinking. You do deserve to learn this because you are my daughter.” I lost it as I leaned over and hugged my mother. “I never thought I would have you back in my life, but I realized I never truly had you in my life until now. I love you Alexa Marie and that is who you will always be in my eyes.” I held my mother tighter than I ever had and she did the same. I had to break it off to deal with the weeping blonde behind me. “And Jenny I feel the same way about you too. A year and a half ago I had zero daughter’s now I have two. And if your brother ever gets off his butt, I will have three.”

Other than the interruptions from Danny, the next hour was spent laughing, telling stories and learning the secret recipe. And some teasing too. Mom asked Jenny to start in on the mash potatoes and I started in on her. Mom had never heard the story of Jenny’s first attempt at making mash potatoes and took pity on my fiancée. “You be nice to Jenny young lady” mom chastised me. She told Jenny a story about her first attempt and that it was understandable what had happened. Mom took a special interest in Jenny and showed her how to do it properly and also how to make gravy. At one point, when mom had turned to check the chicken, Jenny stuck her tongue out at me which of course I returned. Mom turned back none the wiser, except for the giggling between me and Jenny.

As I watched these two women, I realized how happy I was at this moment. Not because we had learned the secret recipe, but how close Jenny and my mother had become. I continued to watch mom teach Jenny more nuances of the kitchen as I got everything else ready. The happiness of the moment soon changed as the front door opened and in walked Adam. ‘Hello, Adam” my mother said as my brother walked into the kitchen. Adam looked around, gave out a grunt and went towards the family room. ‘That boy!” Mom said angrily. She threw her towel down on the counter, but before she could storm out, Jenny grabbed my mother by the arm.

“Char let him be. That was actually an improvement over the last few times.” Jenny flashed my mom the smile she flashes me, and I could see that I was not the only Quinn who was a sucker for that smile.

Dinner went surprisingly well. Danny joked that he was surprised that something Jenny cooked was edible. This started my brother and fiancée on their good-natured ribbing of one another. I of course had to add my two cents in defence of Jenny, and soon it was a free for all at the table. Mom tried to break it up and made the typical comment that she felt sorry for Katie. Adam though sat there like a bump on a log. Where in the past he would have been worked up by what was going on, he sat quietly. It was like he was trying to comprehend what was happening around him. He did shock us by offering to clear the table. Danny offered to give him a hand while mom went in and supervised the storage and broke out an apple pie she had made for desert. “Are you going to tell him?” Jenny asked when we were alone. I nodded as I tried to work up the courage to explain to my brother what I had decided. Jenny leaned in gave me a kiss on the cheek and took my hand.

We sat and enjoyed the pie and some coffee, and while everything seemed fine you could feel the tension building. Both Danny and mom would give me anxious looks as to urge me to speak up. I didn’t look over at Jenny, but she made her presence felt by squeezing my hand. I was so nervous about what was going to happen that I could only pick at my pie. Jenny squeezed my hand a little harder, causing me to yelp a bit. I looked at Jenny who was practically demanding that I get this over with. In a voice barely above a whisper I said “Adam”, but he kept eating his pie. I said his name again a little louder and finally got his attention. “Adam there is something I need to talk to you about.” He asked if it was the construction company, and I told him no. He began looking around at the four pairs of eyes staring at him and went on guard instantly. I whispered, “This is a mistake’”, but Jenny looked at me sympathetically. I turned back to my older brother. Mustering up my courage I began in. “Adam, I thought you should know before you hear it from someone on the street. I am planning on having gender confirmation surgery.”

The silence at the table was deafening. We were all on the edge of our seats as we waited for Adam to say something, anything. But he just sat there. He seemed to be fighting his emotions, which was better than him letting loose on me, but it still concerned me. “This is what your sister...” mom started to say before Adam stared her down. Danny tied to say something is well, but Adam beat him to it. “I don’t want to hear it Dan” he said. Adam kicked his chair back and stormed out of the dining room towards the Family Room and my bet was to the garage to get a beer. Mom started to stand up, but I waved her back to her seat. I got up and followed Adam into the other room. Surprisingly Danny reached out and grabbed my hand as I passed. I thanked him and told him I would be fine.

I found Adam sitting in Dad’s recliner, beer in hand staring at the television. He looked like a younger version of my father sitting there. A bit of fear came over me as I lowered myself onto the couch. Adam looked over at me and then back to the basketball game. After a few minutes a commercial came on. Adam turned and looked at me, “I don’t get it. Why would you want to do this?” he asked. And as much as I had prepared myself the last few days to answer this question, I froze. As confident as I had become in myself, I felt like I was back sitting in front of my father trying to explain why I needed money or something. I was like a statue. Adam continued on “This is just not right. Dad would be going nuts.”

“If dad was still around, I wouldn’t even be here. Adam, I am doing this to make myself feel complete, to complete my journey. I want to feel whole as a woman and this is the last physical step.” I tried to explain. I attempted to say more, but he held up his hand.

“Can you give me a minute?” he asked. I nodded and made my way back to the dining room. Jenny, Danny and mom were talking about something but stopped instantly as I walked in. Their eyes all turned to me expectantly, but I said nothing. I slumped down into the chair next to Jenny and rested my head on her shoulder. She knew exactly what I needed and took me in her arms. Danny got up from the table and went to talk to our brother. Mom let out one of her sighs and go up to take the dishes into the kitchen.

“You okay, babe?” Jenny asked but I said nothing. I wasn’t crying, I wasn’t upset. I don’t know what I was. Disappointed I guess. The few times I had seen Adam since Christmas, it seemed like progress had been made but this was a step backwards. Just as mom was coming back in from the dining room, a roar came from the Family room. “It’s just fucking wrong!” Adam shouted. Mom looked at me sympathetically as I tried to keep from breaking down. I looked up to see both my brothers entering back into the room. Danny looked a bit down while Adam still had the same focused look he had earlier.

“I don’t understand this at all and I can’t sit here and try and talk it out. So, I am out of here. Mom, thanks for dinner. I will talk to you later.” And with that he left the room and the house. Danny and mom exchanged a look with Jenny as I out my head back on Jenny’s shoulder.

“He’ll come around Lex.” Danny says, but I still have my doubts. I can see the while thing has Danny bothered. He sat back down at the table and stares into his hands. I try to tell him thanks, but he waved me off. “No need to thank me. I just want him to realize we have a sister and that he has to accept that. “ I didn’t have to look, but I knew that both Jenny and mom had smiles on their faces. Before either could do anything, Danny gives out a little snort to try to cover what I think he is feeling before standing up. “I’m going to head in to town for a bit.” And soon it was just Mw, Jenny and mom. We decided to see if there was anything on TV. And while “Dial M for Murder” would get me excited, I just cuddled into Jenny. When the mvie ended, we decided to call it a night and headed up to my room. I could see a concerned look on mom’s face, but surprisingly said nothing

Jenny led me up to my room, and after we changed into our jerseys and crawled in bed, did I open up about my disappointment with Adam’s reaction. Jenny as always got me to see what was happening. “You didn’t expect him to just think it was great thing, did you? Give him some time to digest this. It took him almost a year to somewhat accept you, this is probably just as hard, if not harder. You just told him you were going to remove something that means the world to him.” I giggled at that and could see a satisfied smile on Jenny as I looked up at her. She always knew how to make me feel better. We held each other and said nothing, but nothing had to be said. I knew that Jenny was there and that her love would help me through this.

We were up early the next morning, way to early if you ask me, to appease my mother and attend sunrise mass with her. The nice thing about going so early is that there were not a lot of people at church, though there were enough who gave me and Jenny odd looks as we sat in the regular ‘Quinn’ pew. We made it through mass with no incidents, other than mom having to reprimand Danny for not paying attention. Somethings will never change. We went back and said our good byes before beginning our drive up to the lake. Jenny and I were going to make dinner for her father. The drive up was quiet as far as traffic went and Jenny and I talked about everything other than my oldest brother. It wasn’t even ten o’clock when we made it the Thompson Estate. We had been deep in conversation over centerpieces for the tables when we came into the kitchen. We were so wrapped up in our discussion that we didn’t even notice someone standing there. It took a throat being cleared to get our attention.

“Eh, hm. Did you two forget that I existed?” the voice said. All our wedding discussion stopped as we rushed the 86-year-old matriarch of the Thompson family. We had no idea she was coming to town. “I thought I would surprise everyone. Sit down, you two. I have missed you!” Mary said sharing one more long hug with each of us, before we sat down at the small kitchen table and began reviewing all that had been going on. We had left out the part about surgery and instead regaled Mary with tales of our most recent visit to London. I had no idea how long we had been talking with Mary, but it we had drank almost a full pot of coffee. Our deep conversation was interrupted by another family member entering the kitchen,

“I should have known you two were here, since mother disappeared.” Marty said as he stood there giving us a mock hurt look. Jenny and I shared a hug with him before we decided we would all be much more comfortable in the main room. I had planned on telling Marty about my decision today, and with Mary there I was going to be able to tell them both at once. And unlike with my family, I felt not apprehension. These two had barely known Alex and I knew from the support they had shown me that they would accept it all. Jenny had grabbed what was left of the coffee and we got ourselves situated and continued our tales of London. Marty did give us a bit of a reprimand over the American Express bill he had received, but just laughed when we told him we were all ready to pay for all our adventures. “As long as you took care of Nikki and Sarah for putting you three up and that you all had fun, that’s all that matters.” The smile Marty shared with us got to me. I teared up a bit and leaned on Jenny a bit. Mary laughed and said she could see nothing had changed around here in three months. Jenny told her grandmother to be nice as she hugged me a little bit. I kissed Jenny on the cheek and sat up. Now was the time.

“I am glad that you came home for Easter, Mary. It is saving me from having to say this one more time.” I said to the woman who had done more for me than any one. Jenny’s head spun and looked at me. I looked over at her and tried to give her the comforting smile she always gives me. It must have worked, because her expression changed from one of surprise to one of support. I continued my speech. “I want to let you know both no that I have decided that I am going to have gender confirmation surgery.” Jenny and I looked at both Thompsons in eager anticipation. We didn’t have to wait long for the questioning from Mary to begin.

Mary took on a ‘devil’s advocate’ role as she began the interrogation, “You already present yourself as a woman. Is this necessary? You are even officially listed as a woman on your birth certificate. Why taken on the risk of surgery?” She stated and then I watched a strange look come over her face. She seemed to be getting upset and I turned to Jenny scared. I could also see the terror in her eyes. Had I done something wrong? I would never do something to make one my biggest supporters upset so I was now worried. That was when it happened.

“Aren’t you scared something could happen while you are in surgery?” I watched in amazement as Mary reached into her sweater for a handkerchief. I was in shock and couldn’t move. This woman, who I had known for 18 months was scared something may happen to me? Before I could make my way to the older woman, her granddaughter beat me to it.

“Alexa will be fine grandma and I will be there to take care of her the whole way” Jenny said. I knew that this was my cue, so I took my place beside my soulmate and attempted to explain my decision to Mary.

“You are right Mary. On most levels, I don’t need to have the surgery. But I want to have this surgery. I want to do it for me.” I said as I tried to wrap around an arm around Mary. “And yes, I am nervous about having to go under the knife. But I am doing this to complete my journey.” Jenny looked up at me.

“You’re scared?” she asked. I nodded, realizing I had never expressed these feelings before. She hugged her grandmother one more time before moving to me. She slapped me on the arm once before giving me a hug. “I thought I was the only one.” She told me. I whispered we would talk latter. “Damn right we will.” She informed me. It was at that point I realized Marty had said nothing. As if on cue, Jenny and I turned and looked at her father anxiously, waiting to hear his views on my announcement. Marty sat there with a contemplative look on his face. There was something going on inside his head, but I wasn’t sure what it may be. The same fears that I had with Mary, that I had upset him, began to take control. As I felt a slight tremor take control, he finally spoke.

“You need to wait until next year.” Marty said as seriously as possible. Jenny questioned him immediately, sounding like she had been told she couldn’t have ice cream.

“Why? If Debbie says she is ready, I don’t see why she couldn’t?” Marty starred at the two of us for a moment. He took a sip of coffee before he answered.

“Because if she waits 6 months after the wedding it will be covered by the family medical insurance.” Then the smile came. Followed by Jenny and I attacking him with hugs. “Okay, you two. Enough.” Marty said with a laugh as we eased back from our attack on the man who has done as much for me as his daughter. I couldn’t help myself and went back in for a hug alone. I don’t know who held who tighter. I was able to pull myself together and let go of a smiling Marty. As emotional as I am over the love that these two had shown me in the last few minutes, I knew it was time to move back to normal.

“I suppose I better get started on dinner. Come on Jen, lets get to work.” I said, never losing the smile I had on my face or losing eye contact with Marty. The connection between the two of us was broken by the voice of another.

“Sit down young lady, I am cooking dinner today. When I need the help of you two I will let you know.” I looked back at Marty in shock. He shrugged his shoulders as Mary moved off towards the kitchen.

“Is she really cooking, daddy?” Jenny said in surprise as the two of us resumed out normal position intertwined with one another. Marty nodded and explained that she had basically told him that she was and that there was no talking her out of it. We sat back and continued with our tales of London and told Marty of some of the other plans we had finalized. Marty seemed to be relieved when I told him that I had asked Danny to give me away.

“Thank god. I don’t know if I could give both my girls away. Take one down the aisle then race back up the aisle to get the other? That would be a lot of running for an old man!” Marty said, which might have been a mistake as we were instantly all over him on his diet and exercise level. This was not a new discussion; Jenny and I am had been on him to do more that walk the occasional 18 holes. We had debated about getting him an elliptical or a treadmill but decided not to waste the money. It was easier to harass him.

Mary had come back in a few times and told us about the excitement of Florida. “Too many old people down there. I needed to get away, plus that man down the beach is just there too much. You can’t get around. No, I figured I would head home early this year, besides there are still lots of plans to work on. We are now at just less than three months you two.” And as much progress as Jenny and I had made in planning our wedding, we realized Mary had resumed jer role as the organizer of our wedding. “But before we sit down and go over these things, we need to eat. Jennifer, will you please give me a hand.” Both Jenny and I stood up. “I said Jennifer, you can stay here and entertain Marty, young lady.” Mary said in classic Mary fashion. Jenny looked at me some fear in her eyes. I squeezed her hand in a show of support as the two left Marty and I to continue our visit. With Jenny out of the room, I was anxious to show Marty the dress, but he told me he wanted to wait.

We talked for a bit more about nothing particular, and after a lengthy discussion about the upcoming Viking draft, we were called into dinner. As we entered the dinning room, I could see that Jenny was a bit distracted and threw on a look of relief when I entered the room. I could also see she had changed the seating arrangement, so we could sit next to each other, rather than across the table from one another. I knew that there would be a long talk when we were alone, but now was the time to enjoy this wonderful meal. I tried to get under the “cook’s” skin a bit when I ‘whispered’ loudly to Jenny’s father if it would be edible. Before he could answer, the cook spoke up. “I can see you still haven’t learned respect for your elders Miss Quinn. You sit down and you will eat everything on your plate with no complaining.” I couldn’t help but break out into a giggle fit. It was great to have Mary back home.

The meal was very good and we all complimented Mary on the fact she hadn’t lost her touch. As we were enjoying a cup of coffee and some Key Lime pie Mary had made, the phone rang. We all looked at each other. Jenny made a move to get it, but Marty waved her down. He went to the kitchen phone while we ate our treat. The enjoyable dessert was interrupted by a loud expression from the kitchen, “Jesus Christ!” Marty bellowed out. “Where are you now?” followed quickly by the sound of the phone slamming down. Marty practically broke the swinging door as he came back into the dinning room “I have to leave for a bit” Marty informed us before heading back into the kitchen and out the servant’s entrance. We could hear the squealing of tires as he pulled away. The three of us at the table looked at each other, but we said nothing. We all knew who was behind Marty’s demeanor.

We sat staring at each other for a moment, trying to think of something to say. I could see the same expression of anger come over my fiancée and her grandmother as to what the call may have been about. Mary broke the building tension by suggesting that maybe we should begin going over some of the wedding plans. Jenny took off to retrieve her Surface while Mary walked over to the buffet and picked up her iPad. I wanted to aske her thoughts of what had happened on the phone, but she instantly went in to asking questions bout the wedding. No matter how upbeat she seemed to be about that we had everything covered, except for the food, there was still something bothering her. Not only that, it seemed that Jenny was distracted by the whole thing.

After about a half-hour of wedding discussion, Mary said she needed to rest a bit and excused herself to head up to the room she was staying in, as the guest house had not yet been opened for the season. This gave me a chance to talk with Jenny. I took her by the hand and led her to the couch in the main room. Jenny cuddled up into me right away. Clearly something was bothering her. “You OK babe?” I asked. Jenny said nothing. I held her for a while longer and tried again. “Is it the phone call?” I asked.

A quiet Jenny finally answered me. “Sort of. The woman isn’t even here, and she messes up a holiday. I just don’t know why daddy goes out his way to help her?” But Jenny never looked up as she talked about the phone call.

“There is something else isn’t there?” I asked. Once again Jenny just nodded her head as she buried it deeper into me and hugged me tighter. I was stumped. What could it be? Then it hit me. “Is it my surgery that has you so upset?” I asked. Jenny said nothing, except that I began to feel as if the tight embrace was not letting up. It was when I heard a little whimper, that I broke the hug and looked my soul mate in the eyes. “What caused this all of a sudden?” Jenny said the one thing that at the same time shocked me but didn’t surprise me.

“Grandma and the thought I could lose you. That almost happened once, I can’t go through that again” Jenny said through tears. I told her there was no way that was going to happen, but if she was that concerned I wouldn’t have it. Jenny let out a giggle and kissed me on the cheek. “That’s not happening. You will have the surgery. I will just be a basket case until I can hold you again.” She returned to cuddling into me.

I looked out through the large windows at the still frozen lake. I held the love of my life in my arms and reviewed what the reaction of our two families had been to my decision to have gender confirmation surgery. I never had felt so much support in my life, no more than the support from the wonderful person I held in my arms. A new adventure lay before us, but one that the love that we share would carry us through, just like every other test we had undergone so far.