Better Than The Alternative? : Chapter 10

Jordan had been given a second chance to live after overcoming a very unique medical condition. While the procedure saves his life, the side effects that he faces are the last things a 14 year old boy would want. Convinced with what he knows lies ahead, is it better than the alternative?

Better Than The Alternative?
Chapter 10

By Rebecca Jane
Copyright© 2018 Rebecca Jane
All Rights Reserved.

Author's Note:Okay... Here is chapter 10. I've been hard pressed to write since the last chapter, my oldest is graduating High School tomorrow, so preparations have been taking a lot of my time. This is a huge important moment for Jordan, and I feel that I'm going to need witness protection after this one. I promise though, I will make it up next chapter. Hope you enjoy and don't get too terribly angry with me.{hugs}-~Rebecca

Chapter 10


I followed Mr. Miller back to his office, I kept glancing around hoping I’d get a glimpse of Sam. I don’t know what I would have done if I’d seen her… Yeah, I do, I’d have probably skipped out from this meeting with Mr. Miller to try and see if I could set things right. I tried asking him how much trouble I was in, but he just told me that we’d wait till my parents were both here. That news didn’t make me feel much better in the least. As soon as we got to the office, he told me to wait for my parents. Which only gave me time to think, which is hardly ever a good thing.

I was only mildly concerned about the incident with Clint, technically I was in a fight, even if I never threw a punch. I knew the school has a zero-limit policy on fighting, at the least, I knew I’d probably be suspended for a few days. With everything else going on, that was honestly the least of my concerns. My main concern was Sam… I was mentally kicking myself and kicking myself hard for what had happened. Every time I closed my eyes I pictured her expression right after she found out I was transitioning, it was a mix of shock and hurt. By the time my parents arrived I was pretty upset, and not too far from losing the little grip I had on my emotions. I have found out I am gaining a bit more control of them, it’s just taking me a lot longer than I hoped.

“Jordan! What happened?”, Mom asked as soon as she walked into the living room. I glanced up at both of them, and I noted how upset both of them appeared. My day just kept getting better and better it seemed. Before I could answer her, she saw my bruised and swollen cheek, and gasped, “Oh my God, are you okay? Who did this?”

“Somebody was bullying Sam… I never threw a punch Mom. I swear… I just got between him and Sam to protect her…”, I told both of them.

They both sighed and said in unison, “Oh Jordan…” Neither of them looked angry anymore, mom was just concerned. Dad though seemed to look proud as he bent down to check on the bruise.

He asked me, “Son, how big was the guy that did this?”

I shrugged, “Pretty big I guess… He’s a senior and he’s on the football team…” Dad’s eyebrows just raised as my statement, I just shrugged again.

Mr. Miller’s voice interrupted us, “No Jordan, he was a senior and used to be on the football team.”

I looked up to seem him and Brett coming out of his office, Brett looked visibly upset. When he saw me he asked, “You okay Jordan? What were you thinking going after Clint?”

Before I could answer, it was Dad that answered, “He probably wasn’t thinking about anything but protecting his friend.” Brett just nodded, and Dad added, “He’s been like that since he was a kid… Somethings probably won’t ever change.”

Brett just nodded, “That’s not a bad quality to have… Sam’s lucky to have you Jord. You going to be okay?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know… Right now, I doubt Sam feels very lucky to have me as a friend…”

All four of them glanced at me, before they could say or ask anything I didn’t want to answer, I asked Mr. Miller, “Can we just get this over with please?”

He just nodded and told Brett, “I’m glad you were there son, I’m sorry but my hands are tied.”

He laughed, “That’s okay Mr. Miller, I understand. I just get an extra-long weekend is all.”

We all then went into Mr. Miller’s office and before I sat down I asked, “Brett got suspended,
didn’t he? The zero-policy rule, right?”

Mr. Miller nodded, “Yes… I don’t have any say in the matter Jordan… Brett told me that you came to Samantha’s defense when Clint shoved her to the ground. He also told me that Clint was the only one that threw a punch from what he saw, and that led him to come to your defense.”

I nodded, “Yes sir. That sounds about right… How much trouble am I in?”

Mr. Miller grimaced, “I’m having to give you the same as Brett son, three day’s suspension.”

I muttered, ‘Great… Awesome way to start out the year… I’m sorry for fighting Mr. Miller.”

He smiled, “Son, you and I both know you’re not… I’ve heard enough about you from your friends and parents. If this happened again, I’m sure you’d do the exact same thing.”

I tried to keep from chuckling, and said, “Probably…”

Dad muttered, “Son there’s no probably to it… How is this going to look on his school record?”

Mr. Miller grinned, “It’s not Mr. Taylor. The rule says I have to send them home for three days, any further disciplinary actions are at my discretion. Jordan, you and Brett are getting three days, there’s nothing I can do about that. I will have your teachers email your work assignments so neither of you will fall behind. Use those days to heal, and let the excitement die down from this…”

My mom spoke up, “So what’s happening to the young man that did this?”

He told her, “Mrs. Taylor… Clint is eighteen, technically an adult, and he struck a minor… He has hereby been expelled, and the police dept. picked him up shortly before I found Jordan in the stairwell. He’s facing criminal charges now Mrs. Taylor. He won’t be here to bother either Jordan or Samantha ever again…”

The meeting was over shortly after that, and once I had gathered my books from my locker my parents took me home. Mr. Miller told me that he was going to consider today as the first day of my suspension, so that meant I wasn’t able to go back to school until Monday. Now I understood what Brett had meant when he said a long weekend. As soon as they got me home, Dad returned to work. On the ride home, once I filled them in that Sam knew, and how she found out, Mom called in to take the rest of today and tomorrow off. No, I didn’t tell them everything about how she found out, but that she had brushed past my chest and felt them. I wasn’t ready to have that conversation quite yet with them.

It seemed that Mom had other plans for me as well… Remember how she went clothes shopping last weekend? Some of the items she brought I refused to even look at, let alone try on. No, she didn’t buy me any dresses or anything like that, she didn’t even buy me anything really girly. She did buy me some girl clothes at the thrift shop though, just to see how they fit on me. She decided to up my ‘punishment’ for the fight, even though neither of them was really upset with me for what happened.

That’s what led me to be sitting on my bed in my underwear looking at the clothing on my bed. I was holding on to my new underwear, I knew they were panties even though they were just cotton briefs almost exactly like my Fruit-of-the-looms except without the front opening. She had argued with me that with the way I was filling out back there I needed these instead. Other than a couple of bras and sports bras nothing appeared to be girly in any way. A few pairs of jeans, some tee-shirts, and a couple of knit Polo shirts. Feeling the textures of the clothing I could tell that everything was a lot softer than any of my other clothes that I owned.

I heard Mom yell from downstairs that I had fifteen minutes and if I didn’t show downstairs she would come up here and dress me herself. To save myself from that embarrassment I took a deep breath and peeled off the stretched-out underwear I was wearing and slipped on the new pair. The first realization I had was that they not only fit, but they also felt good on my skin. Taking a glance in the mirror they didn’t look too bad, as long as I could convince myself they weren’t panties. I refused to call them that, instead they were just my new underwear.

Taking one of the sports bras up, they were all either white or gray, I slipped it on over my head and it only took me a second to position everything where it should be. It wasn’t uncomfortable, and Mom told me that I would need to start wearing at least one of these or my breasts would start to hurt without any support. Taking a long sigh, I decided I could live with these as well. As long as they didn’t show under my normal shirts at least. Grabbing the first pair of jeans I put my hands on, I slid the jeans on and grabbed a red tee-shirt and pulled it over my head.

Looking back in the mirror I realized that with these clothes actually fitting, I looked a lot more like a fourteen-year-old girl than I did a twelve-year-old boy, which is what I normally looked like with my ill-fitting guy clothes. The tee-shirt was made differently than my old ones I quickly realized. While the sports bra did a good job of holding my breasts down, they were still clearly visible with the new tee. Checking how the jeans fit, they weren’t tight on me, but they still showed my developing curves off quite well. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that though.

I sat back down on the bed for a few minutes, I was trying to hold back the tears that I felt trying to form. I had known that this day would come, and for the most part I had accepted it with my mindset of this being better than the alternative. Still it took me a few minutes to choke back the tears before I slipped my tennis shoes on and went downstairs for Mom’s evaluation.

I walked into the kitchen where she was washing some dishes, I cleared my throat to get her attention. When she turned around her eyes opened wide for a split second in surprise, then she noticed my expression.

“Are you okay?”, she asked.

I shrugged, “I guess… I don’t know… I mean I’ve been preparing myself for this…”

She came over to me and gave me a hug, saying “Jordan, I would do anything to fix this if I could… You know that don’t you?”

I nodded, “Yeah Mom I do… Thanks… It’s just something else I’ve got to get used to, I guess.”

“Get used to?”, she asked. “So, are you going to be wearing these things from now on?”

I nodded, but said, “The jeans and underwear feel pretty good… I know you said I needed to wear the bras… I just don’t think I’m ready to give up my other shirts… At least not yet…”

She nodded, “Okay sweetie… Whenever you’re ready… I’ll be here…”

“Thanks Mom…”, I tell her as I hugged her again.

I went back up to my room, and I only changed shirts. Wearing one of the newer baggier shirts Mom had gotten me, it didn’t look too obvious. At least without the shirt tucked in. I decided I could live with this for now, and deal with more when the changes became more obvious.

My teachers had already emailed me all the work I needed to do so I set about getting as much of that done as possible. Partially because I wanted to be productive, but mostly to keep my mind from thinking too much. I had hoped that Sam would stop by after school, at least to get her bike from where she rode it over this morning. I had hoped I could talk to her when she came to get it, but it was still there long after my Dad got back home from work.

It was just starting to get dark outside and I attempted to call her, she didn’t answer so I left her a voicemail apologizing and for her to please call me… I ended up leaving three more voicemails that night before I went to bed.

Thursday wasn’t any better, other than I finished all the school work that had been assigned to me. Mom and Dad had both gone to work and after lunch I had nothing to keep me busy. I had worked my endurance up enough that I had started jogging over the last couple of weeks, so once I had taken the protein slime I ran. I had only gotten myself up to a mile and a half with a light jog, but today I pushed myself to run two at a slightly harder pace. I was angry at myself and was pushing myself a bit harder to try to focus my anger into something productive.

That evening I tried calling her again, after the second time she did text me back…

{Sam text} *** Jordan just stop… I’m still hurt that you didn’t trust me… I need a few days… I’ll talk to you Monday. ***

I debated typing everything I needed to say in a text, but I was afraid she’d get mad at me for bugging her. I knew though I needed to say this to her, and not as a note, and definitely not a text. I also knew that I needed to tell her as soon as possible, the longer it took the angrier and more hurt she would get. It took me forever to get to sleep that night trying to figure out a way.

It was just before lunch on Friday when I had an idea. I double checked the calendar to make sure I was correct, and once I did that I sat down to formulate my plan… My plan made me extremely uncomfortable, it was going to force me to take a few steps I had been unwilling to take until now. To make things right with Sam I was willing to do whatever it took.

Trying to calm my nerves as I took the business card out of my wallet, I sent a text to the number on the card. It took about forty minutes before I got the response, ‘It’s done. Good luck to you Jordan. I hope this works out.’, that message caused me to come close to hyperventilating, but by the time my phone rang I had become almost numb. I talked for half an hour over the phone and once I was finished I texted my Mom. She responded almost immediately, telling me that was okay, she had hoped that I would take this step for the last month… With six hours until I had to leave, I sat down on my bed and did what I had been fighting for the last two days… I cried…


Mom ended up dropping me off at the Metro Center at six thirty, which was thirty minutes before the group was about to start. I was extremely self-conscious, I had changed into one of the new shirts and a real bra for the group meeting. I don’t know what I was thinking, but since I was going to be completely open tonight I thought I shouldn’t hide anything.

Being as early as I was, it gave me some time to talk to Dr. Rodrick in person. When he called me after Dr. Byrnes completed the transfer of me to his care, I told him what had happened with Sam and how I wanted to clear the air as quickly as possible. He wasn’t happy that I had taken so long so that everything had backfired on me but reading Dr. Byrnes notes about my fear problems he understood at least some of the issues I had been having.

We talked for about fifteen minutes before the first few people started coming in. I was sitting next to the Doc as more and more people began filtered in, some I recognized from my visit here last month, others I didn’t know. I was feeling overwhelmed and then Lisa, my young friend from the last meeting, came in with her mom. She squealed when she saw me and sprinted to give me a big hug, that made almost all my insecurities disappear.

It was right at seven, when I had about given up that she was going to show, when the door opened, and Sam walked in. My heart skipped a beat seeing her and then she said, “Sorry Tim, we were running late.” Then her eyes glanced at me sitting there and they opened wide, she then asked Dr Rodrick, who I realized most of his patients were on a first name basis with him, “Tim, what’s he doing here? I didn’t invite him to come.”

I felt my panic start to rise, especially with her still being mad at me, then the person that came in behind her made my heart sink. It was Brett that walked in right behind her and as he closed the door his eyes fell on me as well, he blurted out, “Jordan? What are you doing here?”

Tim said, “Introductions will be in a minute, but trust me, Jordan has every right to be here. Since we have new members, I will remind everyone of the golden rule here. If anyone disrespects any other member you WILL be asked to leave and might not be invited back. If the infraction is severe enough, I can then recommend you to the next closest Gender Therapist, whose practice is almost two hours away… Now that that is done, will everyone please have a seat, so we can get started.”

Seeing Brett with Sam almost made me lose it. Of course, she would have invited him. I remember how she stuttered about him being a friend that first Saturday at the practice field. I felt like such a fool… I tried not to stare at them, even though they were both staring at me in shock. I didn’t know if they were shocked that I was here, or that Tim just admitted to them I’m trans, or if it was my outfit… Hell it could have been all of the above for all I knew… I took some deep breaths trying to calm my nerves, as Tim continued to give out some ground rules. I was doblivious to what he was saying until I heard him say my name.

“Okay, first off I’d like us to welcome Jordan to our group. He’s the newest member here, while he isn’t traditionally what you’d call transgender, I promise you that he does belong here.”, he told the group. Then he nodded at me, “Jordan you ready to tell everyone why you’re here?”

I glanced around and found fourteen pairs of eyes all directed at me, due to the panic I felt I looked down at my hands clasp together in my lap, I said, “I don’t know… I’ve got to try though…” I glanced back up momentarily at Sam and saw her staring at me, unfortunately in the same glance I noticed that she was also holding Brett’s hand. Glancing back down and focusing on my hands once again, I took several deep breaths and then cleared my throat.

“Hi… Umm. My name’s Jordan. One thing that I’d like to say is that I’m not transgender… Or at least not like any of you all are… I honestly don’t know what I am… Um… Where do I start? Okay… I used to get sick a lot when I was a kid, I’ve been sick for as long as I can remember… Nothing real serious at first, but as I got older it got worse… I used to play a lot of sports, mostly baseball, but about three years ago it got bad enough that I had to be pulled off all the teams I was on… When it flared up, I’d have problems keeping anything down… It started happening more and more. Then I started losing weight, and eventually I lost so much I got put in a wheel chair… I was just too weak and in too much pain to stand… Then last year I was pulled out of school. While they were still trying to find out what was causing it, I was basically pulled out of school, so that I could go home to die…”, even though I was feeling emotionally numb, I noticed then that several tears had already dripped onto my hands, so I tried to wipe my cheeks the best that I could.

I had to pause so I could get a grip and try to stop the tears from forming, so I didn’t either completely break down or have a panic attack, or both… Finally, I was able to start again, “About six or seven months ago they found something on my blood work… They told me it was a fluke they even ran that test, but they found the problem… For the longest time we had to limit how much protein I ate when I was younger, it seemed the higher protein foods that I ate, the sicker I would get… When I came back to school this year I started telling people that I had a mutated gene that broke down the protein wrong… While that was basically true… It was the result of what was wrong, and not the cause…”

I glanced around and saw every pair of eyes glued to me, seeing Sam still clutching Brett’s hand caused me to quickly look back down again. “I don’t know how to explain this… But do you all know what AIS, or androgen insensitivity syndrome is?” Most everyone nodded. I continued, “Well like AIS I have a mutation in the gene that is supposed to interact with testosterone… Unlike in AIS patients, where the mutation causes no interaction, so the testosterone isn’t broken down, mine is much much worse… The mutated gene does bond to the testosterone and when it breaks it down, it inserts part of its mutation into the stuff the testosterone gets broken down into… The stuff that’s supposed to break down the proteins to make the steroids for your muscles and stuff is infected with the mutation as well… Instead of making something my body needs, it makes it into something that attacks my muscles, bones and joints… My body was literally poisoning itself to death…”

I did finally start crying, I couldn’t bring myself to look up at anyone until I felt a small hand on mine. I looked up and saw Lisa standing there with some Kleenex handing them to me. I took them and thanked her, she then gave me a big hug.

As I let Lisa go, the lady next to me asked, “What did they have to do?”

Drying my eyes, I answered, “They performed an orchiectomy on me…” I heard Sam gasp, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at her, so I continued, “They tried to synthesize testosterone to give me, but it responded the same way… They couldn’t just give me blockers to counteract what was left, because a body still needs some kind of hormones… So, I’ve been taking estrogen and progesterone for about five months now… I also have to take a protein shake every day that’s mostly already broken down, and it has a mix of hormones and blockers in it too.”

Tom then stated more than asked, “So that brings you to why you are here… You are transitioning…”

I nod at him and then look towards Sam, who’s eyes are open wide as she’s looking at me, and I say, “Even though I don’t want to…”

Bree, the lady next to me, asked me, “So you didn’t want to be a girl?”

I nodded, “I still don’t want to be a girl… I liked being a guy… I want to be a guy… The only options the doctors gave me was I could continue trying to live as a guy, with breasts and hips and everything. Or I could get a mastectomy once they quit growing, but I’ll still have hips and have to take estrogen the rest of my life. The last choice was that I accept that I’m becoming a girl and start living as one… I could get my surgery at eighteen and could live a semi-normal life after that…”

The room got quiet for a moment, before a middle age lady across the room from me said, “That sounds like a no brainer to me… The sooner that you accept that you’re becoming a girl, you can live happily ever after…”

I bit my tongue to keep from blurting out what I wanted to say… I wanted to scream at her I don’t want to be a girl though. After I regained my wits I calmly asked, “Wouldn’t that be the same as someone telling you that you should have just accepted life as a guy and you could have been happy?”

She looked pissed but before she could say anything, Tim spoke up. “That might not have been the best way to put it, but Jordan is absolutely right Ella. All of you know exactly how Jordan is just now starting to feel… You chose to transition to escape that feeling… Think of that before you respond to him like that again.”

There were a few murmurs among the group as the reality of what I was facing sunk in to the group, Bree asked me, “How are you handling it so far?”

I shrugged my shoulders and told her, “I don’t know… Probably not very good a lot of the time… I mean, like I understand it was either this or I was going to die… That’s a pretty big motivator… I keep repeating to myself, this is better than the alternative… Hoping if I say it enough I’ll eventually believe it…”

She smiled sadly at me then asked, “Does it help any?”

I mutter, “Most days… Others not so much…” Then I glanced up at Sam, I added, “Sam I’m sorry…” It was at that point that the first sob wracked my body, and glancing around I noticed what I was most afraid of seeing. Everyone was staring at me with that same expression pity I had grown to fear, I know it shouldn’t bother me, but after enduring it for so long… I just couldn’t deal with it, then I glanced down at Sam’s hand still in Brett’s and squeezing it pretty hard. I felt the second shudder through my body as I started to lose control. I stood up suddenly, I couldn’t let myself lose it in front of all these people.

Tim asked me worriedly, “Jordan are you okay?”

I nodded, “I… I need a moment… Excuse me… Sorry.” I then turned and went out into the hallway and quickly ducked into the bathroom. Once I locked the door, I slumped down against the wall and let all the fear and frustration out as I cried full body heaving sobs.

I sat there and cried for a few minutes until I heard a knock on the door and Sam’s muffled voice, ‘Jordan are you in there?”

I debated for a few seconds if I should answer her or not, then I heard her voice again, “Jordan I can hear you, let me in so I can talk to you.”

I shook my head, not that she could see me. I cleared my throat and said loud enough for her to hear me, “I’m okay Sam, don’t worry about it.”

“Jordan… No, you’re not okay, I know you’re not. Please Jordan let me in.”, she pleaded.

I half shouted, “I said I’m fine! I don’t need to talk!”

A few moments passed, then much quieter I heard her, “Okay… I’ll be back in the room… Please come back in when you’re ready…” I almost didn’t hear her as he voice started to break as she softly said, “I’m sorry…”

That set me off again, all I could picture was her holding onto Brett’s hand… How she had stumbled trying to tell me he was a ‘friend’. Then how nice Brett had been being to her… If she was ‘with’ Brett, I couldn’t figure out why she had kissed me though… The only thing I could possibly come up with, it was in the heat of the moment after Clint shoved her… It was probably just a mistake, I jumped in to help her, that had to be it… I stood up and glanced in the mirror as I remembered how she said she was into guys. Looking into the mirror I knew I that I didn’t appear to be a guy at all, or at least much of one… I thought about going back into that room but thinking about facing everyone, especially Sam and Brett, set off my ‘fight or flight’ response. I’d felt this many times over my short life, this was something I knew… This was also, to my shame, the first time I picked ‘flight’.

Before I left the bathroom, I pulled out my phone and hit dial. When the phone was answered, I just asked, “Mom can you pick me up now?”

Her voice on the other end, “Baby did it go that bad?”

I tell her, “I don’t want to talk about it now, can you come now? Please Mom…”

She softly told me, “Okay… I was worried about this… I never left the parking lot sweetie. I’ll pull up front.”

I softly tell her, “Thanks Mom… I love you…”

I hear her tell me, “I love you too, see you in a few seconds.” Then I clicked the end call button.

No sooner did I step out the front door of the Metro, Mom pulled up in her car. I quickly got in and fastened my seatbelt. She looked at me and asked, “What happened?”

I glanced at the door and not knowing if anyone was going to come look for me again I asked, “Can you start headed home? I’ll tell you on the way.” She nodded and started to drive. I thought how it would look me just leaving the group like that, so I pulled out my phone and started a text to Tim. It’s weird how both of my therapists tell me to text first and not call… I guess it’s in case they are with a patient or something…

{Me text} *** Tim I’m sorry. I couldn’t face them again right now. Mom picked me up. ***

I started to tell mom what had happened, and I didn’t leave anything out. I told her about Sam coming in with Brett and how she kept holding his hand. My phone beeped at me at that moment.

{Tim text} *** Understandable. Are you going to be okay? ***

{Me text} *** Yeah… It was just harder than I thought. ***

{Tim text} *** Group says they want you to come back. Everyone… Especially Lisa. Take care of yourself Jordan. Call me if you need. Anytime. ***

I smiled at his mention of Lisa, I quickly told mom about her. Then I responded back.

{Me text} *** Thanks. I will. ***

Oddly enough, I didn’t cry anymore the rest of the ride home as I finished telling mom what happened, including my meltdown up to where I called her. When we got home, Dad was there and gave me a hug. They both gave me a hug after I filled in Dad. I reassured them both that I was okay, just exhausted and then I headed up to get ready for bed.

It was just after my shower when I was digging in the medicine cabinet for my nightly dose of estrogen when my phone rang. I picked it up and saw that it was Sam calling. I thought I was over with my emotional rollercoaster for the day, obviously I wasn’t. I let it go to voicemail, then she called right back. I declined and sent her a text.

{Me text} *** Not tonight Sam. I can’t talk anymore tonight. ***

{Sam text} *** Jordan I’m sorry. I need to talk to you. Please. ***

I started to get mad, after all she refused to talk to me to let me explain. I quickly pushed that back though, I really did want to talk to her. Even with what had happened. Just not right now.

{Me text} *** Okay… Just not tonight though. I just can’t. ***

{Sam text} *** K… Tomorrow? Please ***

{Me text} *** K tomorrow ***

I turned my volume off on my phone at that point. I realized that I had to keep that promise and talk to her. My main concern was going to be trying to hold it together after tonight. What little bit of control I had regained dealing with this was thrown out of the window seeing her and Brett. I then remembered what I had been doing before her text had interrupted me, so as I reached back into the cabinet my eyes locked into another bottle of hormones. One that I was supposed to throw away months ago. It was the trial bottle of testosterone they had prescribed to me after I was castrated, they wanted to try to see if my body could handle these any better. Obviously, they didn’t work otherwise I wouldn’t have been reaching for my estrogen.

Taking the bottle out and looking at it I started thinking that these might help be gain some semblance of control for tomorrow. Just taking some tonight shouldn’t hurt too bad, so I might get a little sick. Weighing my options, possibly getting a little sick or losing it and breaking down in front of Sam, I quickly decided on the former. Just enough to get through tomorrow. Reading the dosage, I was supposed to take two a day, one in the morning and one in the evening. One day’s dose couldn’t be that bad, right? I quickly downed two of the pills and placed it back next to my untouched bottle of estrogen. Glancing at myself in the mirror I thought this would be easy, I just need the extra little help.

It took me a while to fall asleep, I was a bundle of nerves thinking about tomorrow. Finally, though I was able to drift off to sleep. Unfortunately for me the muscle cramps woke me up around two in the morning. They weren’t too terribly bad I thought, I could still deal with this, they were just uncomfortable. Then another hour passed, and the cramps progressively had gotten worse and I ended up in the bathroom with my body trying to expel food that I hadn’t even eaten. I had been in there for twenty to thirty minutes before a cramp hit severe enough that it caused me to cry out in pain. A minute later my parents found me in the bathroom curled up into a ball.

Mom leaned over to try to check on me, “Jordan! Honey! What’s wrong?”

I was in the middle of a cramp, so I pointed up to the medicine cabinet. Dad opened it up and quickly his eye’s fell on the bottle of testosterone. He pulled it out and held it up, so I could see it, I nodded the best that I could. Then he demanded, “How many Jordan?”

“T…Two…”, I mumbled.

He asked, “Only two?” I nodded.

The cramp was mostly passed, I told them through clenched teeth, “I’m sorry Dad… I fucked up… I…” Then the mother of all muscle cramps coursed through my body… I couldn’t even cry out, and a few moments later I blacked out…

To be continued.

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