Stupid Bathroom Bill

Inspired by Bru's "Cheerleader Material?" and Laika's "AFTER THE BIG GAME"

Stupid stupid bathroom bill!

So our team is traveling back on the bus from our big HS football away game; dirty, tired and beat up with half our roster. And we didn’t even get onto the field.

Why you say, I’ll tell you why.

It’s common knowledge a visiting team uses the opposite gender's locker room for away games. Did the stupid legislature take that into account with their stupid bathroom bill?


Our administration thought they had us covered by issuing us a new school ID with FEMALE stamped on it. No lie, that freaked out a lot of the players.

Except Duke and Spike were happy because it helped get them into the teen club for free on ladies night, when they were en femme.

We arrived at the opposing team’s school, got off the bus and headed for the women’s locker room, but were met by the Bathroom Gender Certification Committee. They had notarized certificates deputizing them for bathroom gender duty from the local judge who happened to be the janitor at the town church. They even had badges with a women’s bathroom symbol with a circle and slash though it.

After we got our laughing under control, we showed our IDs to the dis-believing mob, er… committee.

They started telling us we were going to hell and worse, but we ignored them until Suzy our PAT and FG kicker tried to go into the locker room with us. The girl is a cutie, and our school administration didn’t think they had to issue her a new ID because she is a genuine girl.

Our regular school IDs don’t even have MALE or FEMALE on them. Why would they?

Anyway, the stupid mob, er… committee, started hassling her because her school ID didn’t have a FEMALE stamp. She tried to get her drivers license out of her purse, but she was on her period and it was so full of tampons she was having trouble locating it.

One of the morons, er… committee members, that must have been half blind, got impatient and tried to rip the front of her jersey to prove she was a guy using padding for breasts.

Luckily, a kicker doesn’t need to wear a tear away jersey, so Suzy slapped him instead of kicking his nuts up to his tonsils.

Then four other lunatics, er… committee members, tried to jump her, but half the front offensive line jumped in front of Suzy to protect her like they do when she is kicking. I saw some of the best forearm shivers of the season.

The shocked idiots, er… committee members, stared at their five members rolling around on the ground.

At the same time we heard whistles, and buses started disgorging angry protestors with signs that read, “Save The Children,” “Deuteronomy 22:5 Rules,” and “People with Penises Use the Men’s Room.”

We responded by saying:

“We are 'The Children'. Save us!"

"We’re dressed like any other football player."

"The visiting team always uses the women’s locker room.”

They couldn’t hear us because the insane, er… protestors, were shouting so loudly that the cheering section was taking notes.

There was a stand off until the looney, er… protestors, started using their picket signs to pummel our players. Since we were wearing our pads and had our helmets with us, we donned our helmets and tried to keep together to protect ourselves.

We slowly worked our way back to our bus and didn’t lose anyone.

There were broken sticks, signs and groggy, er… protestors, littering the ground all the way back to the bus.

A few of their fallen had bruises from our forearms, and spike marks from our team trying to work our way back to the bus, but the majority had been trampled by the mob, er… protestors, that were trying to get to us.

The bus doors were closed when we were all inside. We had bruises, and tears in our uniforms, but our pads and helmets protected us from the worst, considering that sticks were used against us as clubs.

We waited in the bus while the batty, er… protestors, were taking out their anger out on it.

The bus driver wasn’t able to get though the crowd, so an overly excited Clem, our third string center, said he would drive us. Jim asked him how much experience he had. He said he often drove his minibike in his back yard.

Jim held Clem down until the police finally came and cleared the crowd.

Of course there were many versions of the event depending on who told the tale.

The one that was the strangest held that our team was sent by the devil to hide in the woman’s lockers until the next school day and then have an orgy with the schoolgirls from gym class. Whether it was heterosexual or homosexual sex, they weren’t exactly sure due to our IDs.

Don’t know how that would have worked since the lockers were only two feet tall. You can guess which group came up with that story.

Since the police were local, they decided not to get the community mad at them. They took half of our team and the coaches down to the station to take their statements.

The protestors names were taken and told to come to the police station within an hour. The fallen protestors were taken to the local hospital to get checked out.

The other half of the team including myself took off for home on the bus. Everyone had been texting their families from the poor battered bus about what happened, and where and when to pick us up.

We learned that there were many videos taken that showed our teammates were only protecting ourselves from the local, er… aggressors. Everyone that was taken to give a statement was released without charge, and a second school bus had picked them up at the police station.

The local news was broadcasting that the police chief reported an out of state motorcycle gang decided to start a riot at one of the district football games. Fake news is a real thing I guess.

I’m not sure how the next away game is going to be handled by the school administration. The female IDs didn’t seem to work that well.

Except now that it’s known the football team has female IDs, my girlfriend, sister, and mother all want to take me to the mall to shop for girl's clothes. Not sure how that’s going to work out either. I’ll let you know.

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