Moving to a new town is often stressful yet exciting. at least it should be For me it was just exciting. It tends to be that way when you have no freinds. Some say it's my peculiar tastes, maybe it's my wish to be around only particular kinds of people or maybe It's just hard to be a 10 year old boy when your mom is queen of all things pink and girly. My mom is the ceo and founder of Princess inc. the company responsible for all things girly. My name is max and this is my story.
"Mom where are we moving to again?" I asked after the 6 hour car ride. "The town of Alisonvile, it's a beautiful town near the headquarters of Princess incs new headquarters. The town is perfect." I just returned to my video "I hope so." On my tablet I was watching Barbie movies, meanwhile unbeknownced to me a weird annomaly occurred outside the car. After 30 more minutes of driving however the town soon came into veiw. The town was huge, almost the size of a state, Complete with what looked like a theme park in the distance. As we drove through the large yet exstravigant gates a young lady in what was undoubtedly the moist feminen cop uniform ever stopped us. "Ah yes ms sparklizer, we have been exspecting you." My mom smiled "hello officer" I waved. "Oh is this your son?" She replied. "Yes this is Maxwell." My mom introduced me. "He is excited to move here." I nodded. the officer replied "good to know I'm sure by 6 months time you will never want to leave." I smiled "oh my thank you."
As we drove around the town I looked around at my new neighbors and I loved what I saw. Nothing but the girliest of girls. A few dozen in Princess guard having tea, several coming home from ballet class based on there outfits, several playfull fairies dancing around, the town was a froth of petticoats, crinoline, lace, satin and tafita. Despite how much I loved what I saw it did make me ask one question "where are all the boys"
Comments
This has potential!
I don't want to hit you with a whole slew of suggestions for making this story more readable, but I will suggest you put another L in your town's name and spell it Alisonville, which would make people read it as VILL and not someplace VILE; which it might be if there's brainwashing involved, but you don't want to tip your hand too early in the story.
This is Part One? I hope so, because I have a feeling Max's journey has just begun...
~and WELCOME NEW AUTHOR!!! hugs, Veronica
And remember...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifLqzLEB3E0
Ditto
From Me! Hope to see more of your Stories! I can't wait to see the next installment!
Wow
Short chapter, makes it hard to comment, you know?
I know.
I'm sorry this is a bit of a side project for me and I kinda am doing this by ear getting everyone's opinions on them as I go. Since I can't save all of these on my iPad as I'm getting a new one soon I am kinda putting it out here. Don't get me wrong I have a plan for the series, and generally know what I'm going for, but I have to work it in sections. When I write I can't see the trees for the forest, unless the entire forest is in my veiw that is.
Welcome
It is always nice to see a new Author posting.
However, please run your work through a spell checker before posting.
As others have said, this piece has potential but really needs a better defined beginning, middle and end. Hard to do in under 300 words I know but it would help.
Samantha
Thanks
I'm kinda doing this by ear a bit. Taking replies to heart as I go. I wanted content first then spell check it after to ensure I have consistency later when I can look at it all again.
It always helps to begin a new paragraph with each new speaker
Hi again!
Like I said in my other comment above, your story and the words you chose to tell it are pretty good. When you have that going for you it's easy to learn the other stuff, like punctuation and structuring paragraphs.
It always helps the reader make sense of what's going on when you begin a new paragraph each time a different person starts speaking. It also helps to read what you've written out loud and add commas and periods and such wherever you find yourself pausing.
These are your words (I only added the "just" to "I just waved"---I couldn't stop myself---and removed a few like where you had "headquarters" twice), I just took about fifteen minutes to shuffle them around a little bit. The underlines are misspellings. I myself misspell about ten words every page, thank god for spell check! Anyway this is how I would have done it:
TITLE GOES HERE
AUTHOR'S NAME
Moving to a new town is often stressful yet exciting. At least it should be. For me it was just exciting. It tends to be that way when you have no friends. Some say it's my peculiar tastes, maybe it's my wish to be around only particular kinds of people, or maybe It's just hard to be a 10 year old boy when your mom is queen of all things pink and girly. My mom is the CEO and founder of Princess inc., the company responsible for all things girly. My name is Max and this is my story.
"Mom where are we moving to again?" I asked after the 6 hour car ride.
"The town of Alisonville. It's a beautiful town near Princess Inc's new headquarters. The town is perfect."
I just returned to my video. "I hope so..."
On my tablet I was watching Barbie movies. Meanwhile unbeknownst to me, a weird anomaly occurred outside the car.
After 30 more minutes of driving however the town soon came into view. The town was huge, almost the size of a state; complete with what looked like a theme park in the distance.
As we drove through the large extravagant gate a young lady in what was undoubtedly the most feminine cop uniform ever stopped us. "Ah yes, Ms. Sparklizer. We have been expecting you."
"Hello officer," my mom smiled. I just waved.
"Oh, is this your son?"
My mom introduced me. "Yes, this is Maxwell. He is excited to move here."
I nodded.
The officer replied, "Good to know. I'm sure by 6 months time you will never want to leave."
"Oh my. Thank you," I smiled.
As we drove around the town I looked around at my new neighbors and I loved what I saw. Nothing but the girliest of girls. A few dozen in Princess guard having tea, several coming home from ballet class based on their outfits, several playfull fairies dancing around, the town was a froth of petticoats, crinoline, lace, satin and taffeta.
Despite how much I loved what I saw it did make me ask one question: "Where are all the boys?"
And remember...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifLqzLEB3E0
Thank you so much
I have a hard time catching these, and I want to do it but after I get the main statements across, I'll keep what you are saying in mind to complete it, but right now I want to get the story done perfect it later. Partially because my iPad is in a state where I can't see half the screen and it makes proofreading harder. And another part of it is that is how I function