That day Leah took me to buy a few more clothes, guy clothes, but convinced me to keep some of the women’s clothes, the ones she said looked more genderless. In the end I didn’t mind that much about it, she was making me feel as if I was way too cool for not being too apprehensive about letting her put makeup on me or wearing her heels, that I ended up feeling more confident and actually being cool about it.

The weeks passed and I got used to go out more often, I would walk to a park that was close to the house, sometimes I would bring a book and just sit down to read, I had a reflex camera so sometimes I would walk around taking pictures of city sights. At first Leah would come around the house once or twice a week, and she would take me out to some cool restaurant or café, she took me to a couple art galleries, and a couple of times we just stayed at home watching a movie and talked about her internship, the goals we had for our careers and life.

“It’s funny, I think I have such an easy life, and yet I don’t make the most of it” Leah said.

“What do you mean?” I asked back.

“Well, since my parents divorced, my father has done everything to over compensate, I could ask for almost anything I would have it” she said “My car, my apartment, everything that’s in it, and I don’t pay for a thing, so I can work an internship and not worry about money”.

She shook her head, and threw herself back to my bed.

“That’s why I can’t do more serious stuff, I don’t struggle” she said with her eyes closed.

“You seem to be struggling right now” I said, trying to help.

“Yes! My daddy’s girl problems” she said irritated “Ugh I sound so dumb”.

I couldn’t help but laugh, which provoked her to throw a pillow at me, hitting me right on the face.

She came up quickly

“I’m sorry, I threw it a little too strong”

I just laid my hand on my cheek which hurt a little.

“Nah, don’t mind, it’s nothing” I said

She stood and came up to me and hugged me.

“I’m really sorry” she said as she batted her eyes next to my face, and started to put pressure on the hug.

She had started getting used to treating me as a little puppie or something like that, she sometimes said I was her little baby bro or sister, she switched it on occasions, I actually liked to be treated like that so I didn’t complain, it was nice also to have her as a somewhat older sister or brother, I mean she sometimes was a bit rowdy so that could count as brotherish behavior, but mostly she was cool, kind, and too funny to even complain about anything. We certainly bonded quickly.

“You know what?!” she said excited “We should go out tonight”.

“What?” I asked a bit excited.

“Yes, to a club” she said “Some girls from the magazine are going tonight to a new club that sounds cool”.

“But I’m underage” I said shyly.

“It doesn’t matter, I have been going to clubs since I was 16” she said “With just a bit of makeup all girls can do the trick”.

As she said this she was already going across the bathroom to her old bedroom, I started following her, a bit nervous and confused, but also kinda getting more excited, it was a weird feeling forming inside of me, it was taking over me. Leah went directly to the closet and started looking for outfits, she took a couple of dresses out, she took a look at herself at the mirror holding one of the dresses in front of her, then she took me to the mirror and did the same thing with the other dress.

“What do you think?” Leah said.

The feeling had taken over me, I was too confused about it, my stomach felt weird and I felt kinda dizzy, I wanted to play along but I was scared, my head was cloudy, it felt like adrenaline but in a bad way, suddenly a glimpse of memories came around, from when I was younger, a day when my dad was mad at my mom because she let me buy a doll at the toy store, then a day at my friend Eliza’s house, we were too young, like 7 or 8, her older sister painted Eliza’s nails, and I asked her to paint mine too, her older sister laughed at me saying that was gay, then the day that Eliza was having a sleepover for her 13th birthday and I wasn’t invited because I was a boy, I remember that I cried that night and that my parents got in a fight because something I said about it, there were several flashes, random memories of moments I had forgotten and that still seemed somehow cloudy.

“I’m a boy Leah” I said quietly.

Suddenly I was hyperventilating, It seemed as if I was about to cry, I probably was about to cry actually. Leah looked at me scared, I was having a breakdown and she could tell, she hugged me, as I froze there, she was warm, she seemed worried.

“We can do something else” Leah said quietly while stroking my hair.

I just stared at the mirror, at the dress Leah had just dropped to the floor. Where did all this came from?, I had completely forgotten about that stuff, It didn’t came back that last time Leah made me wear women’s clothes and makeup, it was as if it was triggered by the dress, the moment, or something else I wasn’t aware of.

“It’s ok” Leah said quietly “It’s all ok, Dani”.

She stroke my hair, with one hand and hold me to her body with the other hand. My mind was getting more calm as I took a few deep breaths. Leah could feel I was getting better.

“Are you alright, Dani?” Leah asked.

I was coming back to the moment, to the excitement, to the reality and getting rid of the memories again, yet I was confused about this feeling, it all came out of nowhere.

“Yeah, I’m alright I think” I finally said “Don’t know what came over me”.

“Your face went pale, you scared me!” Leah said.

“I’m sorry” I said a bit ashamed.

“Are you feeling alright? Was it my fault?” She said still hugging me “Did the dress overwhelmed you?”.

“Yes, I’m ok, I guess I haven’t eaten right or something” I said lying a bit.

I didn’t want to make obvious that my sudden breakdown was the fault of the dress and the excitement I felt, I didn’t want to accept what I was feeling, once again I wanted to be cool about it.

“Are you sure?” She said “We can do anything else you want”

“No, let’s go out” I said, a bit too confidently.

I looked at the dresses and turned back at Leah

“Just not on a dress” I said laughing

Leah started laughing with me, and hugged me closer to her

“That’s ok Dani” she said “Well go casual today”

She said this and took out a white oversized white t shirt of her closet and threw it at me, then she took an old red turtleneck shirt and went to the bathroom to get changed, I changed into the white t shirt she gave me, I tucked it a bit into my jeans as it was too oversized, It ended up looking a bit trendy, as a retro look, I could notice all this time spent with Leah had made me a bit more aware of my fashion sense, this got me thinking again about how I ended up not wearing the dress. The bathroom door opened, and Leah was already changed.

“Just let me touch up my makeup and we’ll get going” She said as she opened the door.

“That shirt looks good on you “ she said.

“Thanks I guess” I said.

I entered the bathroom and stood next to her, watching her do her makeup, she was doing eyeliner, she was actually very good at it, I was hypnotized, as she finished she turned to me and smiled, then she left the liner on the countertop, and took her nude lipstick, she looked at me in the reflection.

“Do I look good?” She asked holding her lipstick.

“I would look better” I said jokingly.

It was certain, I had no control of myself or what I said, It was as if I was actually asking for it, it seemed like my clumsy way of pretending disinterest while at the same time actually looking very interested.

“I bet!” She said with a smirk

She was the best, she had already gave up on her anxiety to also try and make me feel relaxed, she finished her makeup and looked at me firmly.

“Want some?” She said holding her makeup bag to me and smiling.

I freezed a moment. She laughed.

“I’m kidding, we don’t want another panic attack” She said as she was turning to leave.

“Just a bit” I said shyly.

She turned back smiling.

It ended up being a fun night, she made me forget about the world surrounding me, so I didn’t notice if anyone stared at me or something, I just had a good time without thinking much about how my face was made up as a girl.