Chapter 5 TJ &I

I went to my room. Thoughts a swirl. What would it be like to be a girl? Would I like it? Could I pull off the deception?

A knock on the door. It sounded like TJ. “Come in.”

TJ came in, a big grin on her face, and threw herself at me and gave me a big hug.

“Why so happy?”

“I’m glad to know who our father is. And that it’s someone we already know and love. Somehow it feels more like the loving family we had before mother was killed.”

I hugged her back, “Your right. I had not thought about it like that. I was caught up in whether to go to school as a boy or a girl. But you helped me see, that I have a loving family behind me either way. And that is what is important.”

“What are you going to do about the boy/girl thing?”

“I don’t know. I think I need to talk to mom and aunt Julie about it more. What do you think?”

“I will love you whatever you decide. But I would love to have an older sister, and we could both go to mom’s school together. If you decide to be a boy, you would have to go to a different school, and we wouldn’t be able to help each other as much.”

“Yeah, if I decide on boy, I would miss being close to you.” Another consideration, I hadn’t thought of.

The doorbell rang. After mom answered it. “Kids, dinner is here. Come down for dinner.”

When we got down for dinner, we found mom had ordered pizza. We had grown up on almost 100% home cooking (the only exception be an occasional stop at McDonald's or a dinner when shopping as a family). So this was a surprise. Even more surprising was the pepperoni pizza next to the vegetarian one. That had been a forbidden food growing up.

Seeing the look of surprise on TJ's and my faces, “Today I realized, that we had been sheltering you from lots of normal experiences. This could be awkward as you try to fit in at school. Besides we should be celebrating the revelation of your father. Pepperoni isn’t the healthiest food, but you should try it, and see how you like it. Besides, it’s Julie’s favorite, and we want her to feel welcome to our family and to celebrate with us.”

Julia said, “I’ve always felt a little guilty keeping my role as your father secret. I was so proud of you, yet I was acting like I was ashamed of you. I am glad we all know now. That said, I think it would be better to keep it within the family. Outsiders may not understand. They might generate rumors of Satanic practices or other silliness. I am still very proud of you, and I will not deny you are my children. But I think that might be best if we keep that in the family.”

I said, “TJ and I, were discussing how it felt more like a family again than since mother got killed. We want you to stay an important part of the family. We love you, as aunt Julie, and now as our father.”

Julia went over to mom, knelt in front of her, “I just realized nothing would make me happier than marrying you and officially adopting Charlie and TJ. Will you marry me?”

Mom looked a mixture of happy and surprised. “ I have loved you for a long time, but till now I have never thought of it as the marrying kind of love. I didn’t know if you were attracted to men or women or both or neither. I am attracted to the idea of a family with you, but I think we both need more time before committing to marriage. The pizza is getting cold. Let’s eat.”

I reached for a slice of pepperoni, felt my eyes watering and thought, another pro for girl, possible maid of honor.

I saw mom go to hug TJ who had tears running down her face. “Are you OK honey?”

“I’m just so happy. We have a family that loves each other so much.”

Chapter 6 Mom, TJ, and I

That evening TJ and I were cuddled up with mom in her bed.

Mom said, “It’s been quite a day. It will take us all a while to process it all. But do you have any questions?”

I looked at TJ hoping she would ask one of her perceptive questions but realized she was looking at me the same way. I surprised myself, by blurting out, “Tell us about you and dad.”

Seeing the pleading looks from TJ and I mom started. “In college, having decided I liked girls, I started to spend a lot of time at the at the university LGBT club. They had speakers and programs, but mostly it was one the few safe, comfortable places where I could relax and just be myself. I met James West there. From chatting with him, it was clear he was very smart, but also stiff and uptight. I guessed he was struggling with being gay and uncomfortable with women. I was surprised when he told me he was transgender.

I asked him “What is your girl name?”

My heart melted as I saw the smile grow on her face as she said “Julie.”

I asked, “When does Julie come out to play?”

He replied “She doesn’t. She is pretty much locked in my closet.”

I said, “We should do something to free her.”

“I would love that!”

The energy she exuded and the huge smile, made her a much more interesting person than James would ever be.

From there Julie and I became BFFs, helping each other with makeup and hair, sharing clothes, and shopping together. James changed to Julie after graduation, and she went on to medical school. I don’t think James would have made it through medical school. In any case, she is much happier as Julie.”

“Do you love her?” TJ asked.

“Yes. But if it is a marrying kind of love, is still an unanswered question.”

I don’t know if she did it to intentionally to change the subject, but she continued, “Charlie, she was very different from you. So don’t jump to the conclusion that what was right for her, will be right for you.”

“What do you think is right for me?”

“When Julie and I discussed this. We agreed it had to be your decision. I don’t want to influence your decision by projecting my wishes. Other than promising to love you no matter what you decide. And TJ I hope you let your brother/sister know you will love them either way.”

“Mom, she already has. The important thing is that we love each other unconditionally.”

“You just gave me reassurance that whatever decision you make it will be right for you.” `

Chapter 7 Dr. Julie And I

I asked at breakfast when Julie and I could have a talk. I got a lecture on how we were a family and could and should be able to talk anytime. But I got the 2 to 2:50 slot like a client.

As I spent the morning on more internet research and thinking, ideas began to solidify, and my picture became clearer.

At 1:56 the previous client left and I entered Julie’s office/consultation room.
“Hi, Charlie. You seem a little anxious. I want to reassure you, I love you and want to help any way I can. Can I get you a drink?”

She was right about being a little anxious. But soda was still a rare indulgence. “I’ll have a coke”

“Diet or regular.”

“Doesn’t matter to me, but mom would probably object less to diet.”

She went to a mini refrigerator, took out a can and a cold glass and brought them to me. As she was fixing herself a coffee, she asked, “Where would you like to start?”

“Maybe with your story of going from James to Julia.”

“That’s not something I share with many people, but I want to share it with you. I think the girl has always been inside me. When I started kindergarten it felt very wrong being grouped with the boys. At Halloween I wanted to be Cinderella, my father forbid it. It seemed that my father and I were forever fighting, him trying to push me into sports, and me dreaming of a magical transformation into a girl. I did find pretending to be a boy, made life easier in some ways, it reduced bullying and teasing, and it suppressed the ongoing battle with my father.
My mother tried to referee, telling my father to let me find my own way. But I felt she too, wanted me to be more manly. I was a good student and found I enjoyed running, which slightly appeased dads desire for an athletic son. Little did he know, that much of the appeal of running, was that while running I could be the girl in my fantasies. I hoped that when I went to college I could free Julie. But until I met your mom, I was frozen with fear and uncertainty. When I told her I was transgender, I expected rejection, but instead, it was like she jumped inside me and dragged out Julie. Without her, I would never have had the courage, or the confidence to transition to Julie in med school. And that was probably the best decision of my life. Is that what you wanted?”

“I don’t know what I wanted. But that was quite helpful. It is really quite different from my situation. Was it difficult going from boy to girl?”

“Yes and no. I really believe I have always been a girl inside. And with your mom’s help and encouragement the external transition to appearing as a girl was fun and easy. What was difficult was the mental transitions. Letting go of the idea I was really a boy. Expecting rejection.
Self-doubt about being strong enough. Fear of forever being an outcast. Fear of never finding love. Letting go of my conditioning as a boy. Letting go of my parents' expectations for me. If you decide to try being a girl, I think many of the things that were difficult for me will be easier for you. But I doubt you have the fire inside driving you towards womanhood that I had.”

“Why do you think it will be easier for me?”

“First and most importantly. You have a family that loves and wants you, no matter what you decide. Hopefully, that will remove the fear of rejection as a major consideration. Second, you don’t have years of conditioning with “boys don’t play with dolls”, “boys don’t wear dresses”, “boys don’t cry”, and all that crap. You haven’t been pressured to behave like a stereotypical male. Third, you are at an age where your body can be driven whichever direction you choose. Forth, you already have mannerisms and speech patterns that were difficult for me to attain. ”

“Sounds like you want me to go the girl route,”

“No, I want you to do what is right for you, what will help you find happiness. I want you to understand some things will not be as daunting as you think. What you are being offered would have been a dream come true, for me. And it is hard for me to not project that on you. I hope it does not make it harder or more confusing for you, but I want you to have all the relevant information I can give you.”

“I thank you for that. Can I ask how you feel about my mom?”

“You just did. Last night I realized I love her, I’ve loved her for a long time, and that she is the only one I have ever loved in a way that I wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. I also realized I wanted to be a real parent to you and TJ, not just a sperm donor.”

I sobbed out “Thank you.”

“Happy tears?”

“Definitely!”

“Me too.”

We ended the meeting with a hug.

Chapter 8 Another Family Meeting

Mom made one of my favorites for dinner, lasagna. We had vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce and pecans for dessert.

During dessert, I called for another family meeting.

With the four of us, cleanup went quickly, and we were soon seated in the living room.

I started “First, I want to thank all three of you for making your love clear and unconditional.
When I was first confronted with the idea of going to school as a girl, it seemed downright crazy.
When I researched transgender, I felt that wasn’t me. But slowly the idea seemed less crazy. And the idea that I might be somewhere else on the non-binary spectrum seemed possible. The idea of attending school as a girl became more inviting. I have decided that I want to explore if I may be some version of gender fluid. I want the three of you to help me try living as a girl within the family. Depending on how that goes I can decide about school later.”

Mom said, “That is a really good idea. I’m sure we will all do all we can to help. Where do you want to start?”

“Well, I think I’d like to change Charli with i, no e, to make it more girly. We can pretend it’s short for Charlotte. Then I think Charli needs a wardrobe and probably a new hairdo.”

“Oh, I so need a trip to the beauty parlor and shopping with my new sister.” came from TJ.

“Not so fast. Your sister said at home.”

“Thanks mom, but that sounds like fun. But we need to do enough at home, that the beauty salon doesn’t realize they are transforming a boy into a girl.”

“Are you ready for that?” Mom asked.

“That’s what I want to find out,” I replied.

“Ok, I think we can put together an outfit for shopping and comb and trim your hair into something that looks more tomboyish than boyish.”

Julie, who had left the room, came back with four magazines. “These are hairstyles, you may want to decide what you like.”

Before we dispersed, TJ announced, “I would like to change my name too. I would like you all to call me Joy. I don’t think I want to go by TJ at school. And I like Joy better than Teresa.”

Julie said, “You are a joy, Joy.”

After Mom and I groaned, Joy said: “Thank you, dad.”

With that, the meeting broke up, and the family began working on my transition to a girl.