I woke up Easter morning and it was like I was back to being Rob, I put on my new dress for Easter. But it was Robert walking about in girls’ clothes. I couldn’t find my voice. I could even tell walking to the toilet that I had lost any grace I had in walking about. I stood up at the toilet and misfired before I hit the toilet.

I had grabbed Shannon’s robe and went to the kitchen to get something to drink and asked what was happening. My father said, “This is what you deserve. I’m glad you see how funny you look trying to pretend that you are Rose. There is no Rose Anderson; get that through your thick head.” My mother shook her head in affirmation. “Did you really think that you could just put on the clothes and change who you are?”

I went back to the bedroom and sat at Shannon’s vanity and tried to use some makeup to get a glimpse of me. The makeup was like plaster going on a dry sponge-like face. I couldn’t get it to smooth out. I would need to wax my bushy eyebrows out to get the narrow arched that I had gained in December.

It was like everything had changed with my earlobes spotless, no openings for my earrings. My complexion had gone back to the way it was. It was like I had not ever cleansed or moisturized my face. My hair while not short had lost the body it had gained. It had not been shampooed the past week nor had it been well kept.

There under Shannon’s makeup was a critical newspaper article spoofing my being a mascot for our high school girls’ teams.

It all became too much and I ran back to bed, jumped under the covers and began to cry and hammer on my pillow asking why?

It was Shannon’s voice, “Wake-up, wake-up. Rose what are you upset about. You need to get up and get ready. Did you forget that Lieutenant Fields, Jaylene, and the Foxes are joining us to go to church this morning?”

“But I can’t, I’m back to looking like Rob. I don’t want to go back to looking like my old self. My hair and complexion have changed back and I lost my girly voice.” Shannon’s arms surrounded me and drew me into a comforting hug.

Holding me in the warmth of her arms, “You’re okay, you’re okay! Is that it? You had a nightmare. Listen to yourself, you haven’t lost your girly voice, it’s your voice. Come with me.” I got up, and in her arms, I walked into the bathroom and standing in front of the mirror she said, “Look, this is who you are. I hope you are happy. You have worked hard and disciplined yourself and become this beautiful person.”

I actually lifted my hands to my face as well as touched my hair to make sure I was not dreaming now. I looked back to the mirror and very much liked who I am. I see my resemblance to my sisters and mom. Yes, I can still see Rob and the boy I could be. But I wasn’t that boy nor a little girl, even in my nightgown I could see I was becoming a young woman. The person I was growing into being.

Nature reminded me of my humanity and the morning urge to pee. I quickly lifted my nightgown and pulled down my panty and I sat to relieve myself. Shannon giggled as she got out of my way and closed the door as she left.

I quickly discarded my night clothes and took a quick shower. The water cascading over me felt so wonderful. I was waking up and I splashed water in my face to wash away any tears. Once out with a towel around my head and patting myself dry, I was refocusing on the morning ahead. It was only a little after 6:00 o’clock. I looked to the closet and saw my dress with the pretty blue roses. I was at the chest of drawers picking out the panty, bra and the stockings I wanted.

I put on the bra and panties and grabbed one of Shannon’s dressing robes and went to the kitchen. I heard my Mom’s voice and was afraid of what she and Dad might say. But I stepped into the kitchen and mom greeted me, extending a cup of tea. “I hear you scared yourself, I hope I wasn’t part of your nightmare.” I grabbed the cup with one hand and received her hug. I looked and realized it was still too early for my father to be up on a Sunday. I was thankful for that.

Mom had decorated the house and there was one large family Easter basket decorating the dining room table. I now wondered if the decorations always were predominately pink and white with a scattering of pastels. The house felt softer, more delicate and friendly than I remembered. I pulled off a piece of cinnamon roll and dipped it into my tea before treasuring it in my mouth.

There was a pair of hands grabbing me at the waist and a male voice, “I guess, I better be getting used to this.” It was my father and his hands for once had warmth and caring that I had missed since I was a young boy.

Getting dressed for church was a joy as I rolled my stockings up my legs and saw my painted toes sticking out. I could already imagine how pretty they would look with my strappy white heels. I was able to do my own makeup and brush out my hair. I could have buttoned up my dress all by myself, but it was fun having Shannon do the last few buttons. I lifted my hair after as I had given her a necklace that I wanted around my neck. It was as pretty and delicate as I was feeling this morning.

I walked down the stairs as the doorbell rang. I walked over to it and opened it to welcome Lieutenant Jennifer Fields into our house. “Good,” she said, “I was hoping I found the right house. You must be Sonja or Sierra.”

I said, “Do I look that much different from a few weeks ago?” Jennifer soon realized it was me.

“Wow, Rose! Yes, you look very different from the mascot/cheer person I saw a few weeks ago.” She took a half step back to look at me. My mother and father were now there and I could hear my sisters coming down the stairway.

Jennifer said, “With my family halfway across the country in St. Louis. I am glad to have the opportunity to share a special holiday in a family setting. I just hope Seaman Kent Fox can relax with me being around.”

Mom said, “Jaylene, Ken, and little Heather will meet us at the church. They will be here for dinner as well as one grandmother.”

Shannon had taken a change of clothes from Ms. Fields and put them into the guest room. After a short time, we went to church.

Anne and her family sat behind us and Sharon and her brother and sister sat in front of us. Between the holiday and extra guests, the church was quite full. I was taken with the words of the pastor when it was said. “The joy of the resurrection of Jesus is for all people.” I know his eyes weren’t focused on me like I felt they were, but when he said. “I hope all people can feel the surety of God’s love without condition. Jesus bore the sins of hate on the cross, that we might be free to receive the love of God more freely.” I let the judgment of others fall away.

I did not openly cry but my feelings and tears coming to my eyes must have been evident. I felt the pat of Anne’s hand on my shoulder and Shannon, next to me, squeeze of my hand. After church Shannon said, “I never realized how some people could feel left out and not loved. Loving you as Rose has become such an eye-opener for me.”

Once we were home and finishing preparations for dinner, Heather came running up to me with the gait of a toddler. I lifted her up into my arms. “Aunty Rose, I love you.” The feelings were mutual.

We were sitting around in the living room listening to Kent and Jennifer talking about how on the ship they could become absorbed with our destroyer basketball team and its games. They said it was a release from being confined to the ship as it crossed the ocean and later during the tension because of their ‘troubles’ as they expressed them. “Arranging for the exercise on our way back, to let off a crew detachment go into Atlantic City, while we continued to ship onto Philadelphia was actually a welcome excursion from the business like usual.” Jennifer said, “I’ve even been told similar deployment, especially of Marines, are being considered for other ships returning to U.S. ports. Hopefully, they will never be more than an exercise for the unexpected.”

We could see in part from Jennifer and Kent how good it felt to be able to relax at our house. Jennifer had changed after she came back from church. My dad once said ‘At ease sailor.’ Jennifer caught herself, saying, “Easier said than done. I was given the responsibility of captaining the ship several times this time out, including bringing her into Philadelphia. It is hard sometimes to relax from that responsibility. …I was captaining the ship during part of the trouble and with the sub underneath us, needed medical supplies on board and our ship and crew. My being ‘captain’ was to be a sign that we were there in peace. But at any moment we could be mille-seconds away from conflict.”

Sierra had stepped behind Kent and I was behind Jennifer both of us massaging muscles that were tense. I loved how in Jennifer’s strength I could feel the body of a woman I had come to admire and look up to.

Jaylene looked up to Sierra, saying, “Thanks, he’s a good man and he’s not as tense as he was. But it does take time after ever deployment for him to relax and unwind. I don’t think the average person understands what war settings do to people. My husband is a normal person, he’s not a war machine. Transformer my ass, you don’t just return to the person you use to be.”

“He loves to inundate himself playing with Heather when he comes back. This time, because of my pregnancy he doesn’t feel free to have sex with me like he usually does. He’s kind of big that way and we love that time, but don’t this time. He loves we’re becoming a family.”

I was initially uncomfortable with what she was describing but knew from my own imagining a little of what it might feel like. It made me think of being me with Brad. I knew he felt bigger than I was. I had read on the internet, how it might feel having a guy inside of me and the sensations I might feel. I knew even little Rob had become somewhat aroused.

Jennifer Fields was staying with us for two or three nights. She had no obligations to go to the school, connect with recruiters or other people from the Navy. She made day excursions into the city and contact friends. She became like a young aunt to me. I found myself confiding in her and sharing thoughts I had not intended.

The day before she left, I knew she had time with my father while I was at school. Sierra was home and told me that Jennifer got very direct with our father. She said to the effect that my being Rose was not about him. But that losing me as a daughter or a son could be. “Your daughter, though new in being Rose in daily life, has made the adjustment fairly well because she feels natural and comfortable in being herself.”

“I encouraged her to spend more time as Robert, but I’ve been impressed since I first heard from Robert and more and more as I’ve come to know Rose. I know I’ve only seen the tip of the iceberg, and my psychology training didn’t focus on transgender people. She does, however, impress me as a person. And if a transgender woman is going to emerge this would seem to be an ideal time as the young women around her are also maturing.”

I would go and watch Brad’s baseball games but found myself drawn even more Therese and Sandy and their softball games. It was during one of those games that a rainstorm let loose with a deluge of rain as a ball was hit and the already wet ground turned into mud in the middle of the play. One person slipped as she ran for the ball; another fell as the muddy ball proved difficult to throw. The runner going to first base crashed into the fielder and they both went to the ground. As soon as one umpire yelled time-out the players on the field began to wrestle with one another. Others from the outfield and dugouts ran to join the fun. I threw down the scoresheet I was keeping for the team. I went to help up Sandy at third base and she pulled me down.

Having on a glorified tee-shirt I soon looked like a woman in a wet shirt mud fight with the wet muddy shirt plastered to my body. It showing the silhouette of the young teenage girl I was becoming. Deanna Ellis from the other team was soon on top of me. Once she recognized me, she gave me a big juicy kiss. “I’ve wanted to do that ever since you started to be one of us.” I even felt her muddy hand slide down inside of my jeans over my butt. “Not bad at all,” she said. I found myself kissing her back as we rolled one full loop on the muddy infield.

Not able to go into the locker room like others, I was hosed down to get enough caked on mud off. Our Coach gave me her emergency blanket from her car to wrap up in. I rode in the back of Jeter’s pick-up to get home. I went in through the garage where I stripped off most of my clothes and went downstairs to use the shower off the utility room. While it is okay, nothing special apart from a floor and drain that could handle my muddy mess.

Once clean there, I went upstairs to take a bubble bath with bathing oils. Sierra brought in my phone as Therese had called. We were both in a bubbly tub giggling over the way the game and rain downpour went.

Therese said, “What did Deanna Ellis say to you after laying the juicy kiss on you?”

I said, “She asked me to go out with her. I’m not sure but I think we’re to go to a dance at her school in two weeks. I need to make sure it doesn’t conflict with when I’m to meet with Tiffany Streep about watching their infant Megan.”

The tub was cooling down so I ended my conversation ran more hot water and finished my bath. I used an extra-large towel to wrap around my body. Patting my legs and shoulders dry, I was taken with how the bath oils were leaving my skin soft and feeling nicely hydrated. I put on a terrycloth teddy bear pajama set and wrapped myself in one of Shannon’s shorter robes.

I thought it was later than it was and when I ran into the living room. I was embarrassed. Anne and her Mom, Audrey Evans were over visiting with my mother.

Anne said, “You spent too much time during your bath on the phone or you would have known we came over. I hear that a lot of people had fun at the softball game, including you.”

Audrey Evans said, “I came over to visit about what you’re likely to be doing. We’re going on an extended vacation this summer. Anne usually gets to take a girlfriend along. We were wondering if you might be willing. There would need to be a few stipulations… We heard you’re seriously considering coming back to school in the fall as Rose. So I thought you could now fill the role of a girlfriend.”

I cautiously look to my mother, hoping she’d agree I could go. Mom taps the couch next to her, “Come and sit, making sure you are properly wrapped in the robe as you sit.”

“Yes, I see myself as one of Anne’s girlfriends.” Anne interrupts, “My best friend and girlfriend. I have dreamed for years that Mom, Rose and I could go on vacation together. I even dreamed I could change Rob to a girl for the summer. I knew three years ago he would make a cute looking girl.”

Mom asked, “How did you know that?” I was turning red hoping Anne wouldn’t say what I was afraid she would.

She said, “It was after he dressed like one of his sisters for Halloween. Several moms including mine insisted we could only go to the movies as a group of girls. We were going to be grounded if any boy showed up. We said she was Shelia’s cousin. She not only went to the movies with us but stayed for our sleepover. Shelia Thoms’ mom figured it out around 11:30 and wrapped Cassie firmly into her sleeping bag.”

My mother said, “Is that the time he was supposedly over at Travis Cole’s house?”

I smiled because it was a time when my folks were frustrated with me but rarely gave me much attention. Instead of making anything of it, Mom excused my silence saying, “That was long enough ago and seemingly it was handled well. Rob’s been so good, it is actually refreshing to hear that he did something like that.”

Mrs. Evans knew better, that I had caused my share of trouble and shenanigans. She also knew I was kind of a forgotten child among my three sisters. “She won’t need to be tied into a sleeping bag.”

The second Friday and Saturday of May, we were officially invited to visit the USS Cook. They were having an open house for the ship on Saturday. Friday dignitaries were to be present to give recognition to the crew and ship’s recent voyage to the Mediterranean and the Black Sea. It would not be elaborated exactly what had happened other than they complete their assignment taking aid to Ukraine.

The basketball team and our cheer team were among the dignitaries officially invited, and among a few receiving recognition for assistance. Because recognition was no longer officially being given to the likes of me. I was not invited as the mascot, Dorothy the Destroyer.

Kayla Bowen, Kara Dugan, and Deb Triens all from the ship hunted me out and snuck me on board. “We have an abbreviated uniform we want you to try on. We’re thinking of giving it to the school for next year’s costume for Dort.”

I was naive to change into to it and leave Rob’s clothes unguarded. It was the last time I was dressed as Rob for those two days. Several officials recognized the irregularities but decided not to call any attention to me. One high ranking official did give me a sealed letter. It was from the Secretary of the Navy and thanked me for bringing recognition to our school’s heritage and good light to the US Navy.

Deb Triens adopted me as her little sister for Friday night. We needed to be back on the ship at 22:00. She took me to my first LGBT watering hole. Needless to say, we were there before the night would get wild. Fortunately, to my thinking, my personal identity was not shared other than I was a high school boy in transition.

The next day more than a few visitors to the ship who learned that our school and basketball team was there asked for Dort? It was noon when the ship commander finally said. If someone can find a safe place for you to change I would like you to change into your mascot uniform. But if you would, please be sensitive to the fact your gender identity is a touchy subject and would be better not being brought up.

We were to be there only until 4:00, but at that time if I had one, I bet I posed for at least fifty pictures. Some with crew members, some with our basketball or cheer team. More heartwarming was to see the hundreds of visitors with the ship and crew.

I was woken early on Mother’s day, I needed to hurry down to the Trullo’s as Audrene’s water had broken and Nic was taking her to the hospital, but none of the grandparents were there. I put Marie in her car seat and was to be responsible for her once we were at the hospital until the grandparents were there.

Audrene wasn’t due for almost two weeks, though it was surmised her due date might have been in error. We got there by 8:20 a.m. and it was 9:57 when Marie’s little brother Logan was recorded to have been born. I was feeding Marie when her grandparents arrived and Nic came out to announce that Emily was born at 10:27. Emily Harris for whom baby Emily was named had arrived by noon. Logan was named for one of Nic’s grandfathers.

It was after 1:00 p.m. that I called for my sisters to pick me up. The Grandparents were there both t see the mom and new babies as well as to take care of Marie.

Fortunately, our Mother’s Day dinner reservations weren’t until 5:30.

I don’t think I previously ever had the wit that I had this year to ask or care about my Mother’s memories in being a Mom. I am sure if I had asked; I wouldn’t have stayed around and listened to her stories as I did this year. It seemed ironic as I listened to my mother’s stories focused mostly on her and my sisters and rarely included me.

I knew of her friends, but it was only now that I understood how important her girlfriends were for her especially early in her marriage and around the birth of us, her children. I pondered how important Anne, Therese and the other friends I had made through cheering would be for me in the future.

I was saddened that I wouldn’t be having a baby to fuss over. Knowing the things I had done, I giggled about not being responsible for another like me. I do confess I would have loved having daughters like my sisters.

The school was winding down; there were reports, quizzes, and tests to do or prepare for. I was now getting A’s and B’s in all of my classes. Mom even encouraged me to revisit with my high school counselor to register as Rose, changing my schedule where appropriate for the coming year.

Ms. Nelson became my counselor, unspoken was the fact Mr. Mueller wasn’t comfortable with my transitioning. Ms. Dee Nelson said, “I like you to visit with our Psychologist PhD Akers and do what is needed to get the change officially recognized.” She did encourage me to take the women in literature class and to take women’s health which as a girl is usually taken in one’s freshman year. “I am excited about being your guidance counselor. I’ve been hoping since late January that I might have this opportunity.”

I giggled, “You hoped already then that I might do this. I think I might be more of a problem than it is worth.”

She said, “Just the opposite, I see it as a neat challenge and opportunity. I’ve worked with a few who have come out as being lesbians or gay. Wrestling with one’s gender identity seems even a greater and different challenge from that.” Dee asked me about earlier signs in my life and drew out things to think of that said, Rose was already lurking in my being.

I talked to your friend, Anne Evans once and she recounted a time in first grade when you brought a stuffed dog dressed up in doll clothes.”

I didn’t remember the incident until Ms. Nelson said, “Your puppy dog was named Sparkle instead of Sparky.” I had used a doll dress from Sierra to cover a place I tore Sparkle playing with it outside.

I had forgotten Sparkle because I had a love/hate relationship with it. Especially after other boys heard I called it Sparkle because of its pretty eyes and smile. Ms. Nelson was the first to tell me, “You will probably need to continue to live with your male body for a while.” She explained, a number of men had hurriedly changed with hormone therapy and surgery only to discover that the drastic change wasn’t what they expected or wanted. “Taking your time you will learn some of the risks and challenges. You’ll also gain some affirmations that this is truly what you want.”

She smiled and said, “I not only this is really what you want, but that you will do rather well in the transition. There are so many things you seemingly have stepped through quite naturally. What others saw as a punishment became an opportunity for your inner self¬ to take shape and become visible.”

I found myself enthralled in our discussion.

It was two days later I met with my Psychologist Kristyn Arnold. She amusedly said, “Your new guidance counselor is quite taken with having you as one of her students. She already knows my intention to formally affirm your request to being recognized as a transgender person. With your parents affirming your request; you should be accepted as a young woman entering your sophomore year. …I also hear that Coach House has extended applications to three summer camps for cheerleaders and mascots.”

I corrected her, “No, it was only two summer camps. But yes, it feels nice that she is wanting me competing to be a cheerleader.”

Kristyn and I visited more extensively and Ms. Nelson was correct that I would be expected to keep my male parts for at least the coming year. But that it probably would become a moot point as they might quit functioning before the end of the year.

Kristyn Arnold agreed to give me a formal referral to Dr. Michele Caruthers the Psychiatrist from Brunswick and Dr. Holly Campbell a Gynecologist in the same city to become my doctors for my transitioning.

We knew it might initially get resistance from my Dad for bypassing local doctors and the area hospital. But we’re fairly sure it makes sense that everything not is done locally. My parents have already met Dr. Caruthers and knowing she was very well credential and knew part of my history.

Come to the end of my appointment with Dr. Arnold; I agree she and my mother could visit together regarding my future as Rose.

The following week, I’d get to attend my first and not my only prom as a girl…

Story to be continued…