A Note from Redneck Rob

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A Note from Redneck Rob


I found this website “Big Closet” by accident. I thought maybe it like a big closet was for storing stuff that you didn’t want your wife to know about like beer, guns and other hunting stuff, etc. It thought that was cool … kinda like a mini-Mancave. Come to find out, it’s a bunch of guys who wanna be girls and vicea versa. I’m a real liberal guy when it comes to some of that stuff, but these guys are nuckin’ futs!!!
Come on now. It’s supposed to be boys and girls. It says so in the Bible, “There shalt be one woman and one man.” I think it’s in the book of Revolutions. You can look it up! It also says God hates a man who putteth on womens’ parallel.
These guys, girls, and miscellaneouses are in for big trouble when The Judgement comes. God’s gonna say, “You did what?!!!”, and Jesus is gonna put up his hands and say, “I had nothing to do with that. I don’t know this dude, chick, or whatever.” Then God’s gonna say, “Go for a warmup.” When that happens, you’re screwed, because it says that in hell the worms don’t die. They must be some tough worms to take the heat.
These people should go to church and repent. Now, not just any church will do. Go to the Baptist Church. Catholics? Forget it! They believe in the Pope and he ain’t even from this country. Pentecostals have a great big list of things you gotta do and another list of things you can’t do. Jews? Hey! They don’t even believe in Jesus! I pray to Jesus all the time. Like, “Jesus, please don’t let my wife find out what I done tonight!” Sometimes, I pray, “Jesus, I’m so glad you didn’t make me a pervert like that bunch on Big Closet!”
There’s a whole lot of other churches, but I don’t know much about them. You’re safe sticking with the Baptists. They have a rule, “Once Saved, Always Saved”. You go down to the church, get saved, then go out and have a ball! I’m gonna do that, but not yet. I’m not even twenty–five yet. I’ve got lots of time. I’ll get saved when I’m about thirty.
But these “Big Closet” people … I don’t think there’s any hope for them. God don’t like what they’re doing and I can see why! Two guys? Come on! Now, when it’s two girls, that’s different! They just need me in there with ‘em to make it a even number!
I mean, when I was in high school, the guys stripped in the locker room and it was no big deal. We was not attracted to each other. We only looked at other guys to see who had the biggest dick, and we didn’t get hard-ons when we looked at each other … except this one guy named “Richard”. He had a big dick so, of course, we called him “Big Dick” or “BD”, and he always had a hard-on, and it was, like, catching! All the guys would get hard-ons!
I can’t imagine having everything “down there” being cut off and going through life without a dick and balls. What if you have a wreck and they take off your clothes and say, “Hey, this guy has no dick!” They’ll all be laughing and shit. How do they put a dick on a girl. That’s a good one. Somebody told me that the operation a girl has to become a guy is called an “adadictomy”. I’m pretty sure that was a joke.
Now I’m not a cruel person. I wouldn’t want the BC people tortured or nothing like that. Just kill them. That would be merciful. They wouldn’t have wierdo kids and they wouldn’t have to worry about being a girl or boy. They’d be in heaven … maybe. Maybe they get to choose their sex in heaven.
My son wanted to dress up as a girl for Halloween, so we let him. The next day he stayed dressed like that. I asked him what was going on. He told me he wanted to show his costume to his girlfriend, but even after he showed her he kept the dress on. I thought I was gonna have to kick his ass, but he finally changed into some decent clothes.
Then, a couple of days later, his mom found the dress hid in his room. I went and yelled at him. I told him, “You’re gonna wind up a fuckin’ wierdo like those preverts on ‘Big Closet’!”
He said, “How do you know about ‘Big Closet’?” I just told him to shut the fuck up.
I want him to grow up healthy and happy, so if he tries that shit again, I’m gonna break his arm and lock him in his room for a week!
That’s all for now, love y’all … well, most of y’all.
Redneck Rob

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Comments

Nice parody...

Donna T's picture

Good job with the parody. It sounds like the son mentioned in last part of your story could use some "Acceptance"!

Donna

Redneck Rob

joannebarbarella's picture

This guy would win hands-down (Oops! Be careful where you put them!) in a contest to be the Aussie Prime Minister! The one we have now is a Pentecostal wimp who wants everyone to be a Happy Clapper! Hallelujah!

It could be worse. Is your

Donna T's picture

It could be worse. Is your guy sane? Fair dinkum?

(The story was clever.)

Donna

Description is pretty good

The description is pretty good albeit I've imagined them (rednecks) a little different.

The point?

Sorry, just seemed to ramble on a bit. Without one.

Really now

Miyata's picture

Hate to tell you this Redneck Bob, but you ain't no redneck.
How do I know?
Well, I come from a very long line of Rednecks deep in the heart of Appallachia here in the USA.
Ever seen the movie Deliverence with Burt Reynolds or ever heard of the Hatfields and McCoys (I'm related to both Clans by the way) or the Country Music star from Butcher Hollow (another distant cousin).
Yep, those hicks that follow the Old Testament.
You see, we practice the live andd let live decree.
I know of at least 5 big name T-girls that call them hills and hollers home.
One is a distant cousin.
I bet I can make you squeal like a pig.
har-har-har

Miyata312

'Do or Do Not, There is no Try' - Yoda