Ye Canna' Break the Laws 'O Physics, Cap'n - Non Transgender

Ye Canna Break the Laws o' Physics, Cap'n



My son and I were talking, one day, about the Trek Tech that is impossible, and were thinking about what would happen if Captain Kirk came up against these impossibilities during crunch time...
I realize that there are holes in my physics, but these are the some I came up with at the time.

The following is the result.



Captain James T. Kirk sat in his command chair, grimly facing the viewscreen. On it, was the picture of a Klingon Bird of Prey, facing the Enterprise menacingly. "Shields!" he shouted as he saw the orange light start to build at the forward torpedo tube of the small ship.

At the tactical station, Chekov pushed a button, and the familiar dots surrounding the schematic of the Enterprise appeared. The screen went dark.

"What happened? Did they hit us?"

"Scanning now," Spock said from the science console. He stood up from his hooded viewer, and looked back at the captain. "Negative. The Klingons are not responsible for this. Apparently, for shields to be effective against photons, they need to be opaque. We are looking at the inside of our own shields."

Kirk was confused. "What good are shields that we can't see through?"

"We could conceivably have the shields not cover our sensors," the Vulcan speculated.

"Do it!" Kirk ordered.

While Spock got to work, Kirk told his helmsman, "As soon as the screen clears, I want you to perform evasive action."

"Yes, Sir," Sulu acknowledged.

Suddenly, the ship rocked, and the screen lit up again.

"Good work, Mr. Spock!"

"I did not do it, Captain. The screens are overloaded."

"Wonderful!" Kirk said sarcastically. "Evasive, Mr. Sulu."

Sulu punched buttons on the helm, and the enormous starship ponderously started to move.

"Scotty! We need more power to the thrusters!" Kirk yelled into his chair intercom.

"Cap'n! I'm givin 'er all I got!"

"How come we're not moving faster?"

"Ye canna break the laws of physics, Cap'n! We're just too heavy!"

'Can we jettison something?" the Captain wanted to know.

"Aye! We can jettison the warp nacelles. They're useless anyway! Ye canna go faster than the speed o' light."

"What? You can't travel faster than light?" Kirk was amazed.

"Nay! Ye canna break the laws of physics," Scotty said, surprised that Kirk would not know that, considering how many times he had told him.

"Can we transport to the planet?"

"Are ye daft, man?" Scotty was indignant. "The amount of power needed to completely dematerialize a human being in the allotted time is near to that outputted by a fair size star. That would melt th’ power conduits servin' the transporter room, not to mention most of the rest of the ship. An ye want to do it four hundred an thirty times!?"

He was still grumbling about the injustices of it all as he left the bridge to tend to the damaged shields.

Kirk was unsure what to do. The Klingons were still out there, but they hadn't made any moves to attack further. “What can we do, Mr. Spock?”

“At this point, it appears as though our options are severely limited, Captain,” the Vulcan answered.

"Thank you, Spock. I've figured that out." He thought for a few moments, then asked, "What about the shuttlecraft?"

"I would caution against using them. Impulse technology, while not breaking the speed of light, does require much more fuel than a shuttlecraft has room for."

"So you're saying we're pretty well stuck." Kirk was completely frustrated.

"That would be a logical conclusion, Captain."

"Can we at least throw rocks?"



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