“Aww, come on babe…” Kain moans as I pull my skirt and my top back on. “I’ve barely seen you this holiday…”

“I know, I know,” I sigh as I lean down to give the tall, semi-naked boy a gentle kiss. “Trust me, I’d much rather stay here all day. And all night, hehe!” I grin devilishly as my boyfriend giggles nervously at the prospect of us spending the night together. “But, you know, my parents would just totally flip out…” Well, mother and soon to be stepfather, I think to myself. God knows what my biological father would think- and god’s probably the only one who cares, either.

“Yeah, mine too,” Kain sighs. “See you Sunday?”

“Umm, no, I’m going…” I say with a grimace.

“Ah, you’re going to Wales for your friend’s birthday, I remember now,” Kain says.

“Yeah,” I say with a sigh. “Sucks that your parents won’t let you come to that too.” So that we could share a hotel room, I think to myself.

“Meh, maybe next year,” Kain shrugs. “Monday, then? Got to kiss someone as the New Year starts…”

“Pretty sure that’s just an American tradition,” I giggle.

“Well, we can make it an English one too,” Kain says, suddenly standing up and scooping me into his strong arms, before giving me a long, passionate kiss.

“…It isn’t New Year’s Eve yet,” I say as our mouths finally part.

“Do I need an excuse to snog my girlfriend?” Kain asks, to which I respond by giving him a long, deep kiss.

“You don’t if I don’t,” I giggle, before sighing. “Now can you PLEASE let me put my skirt back on? It’s gonna be cold if I walk home just wearing a thong…”

“Hmm… Fine,” Kain says with a mock pout as he puts me down and lets me finish getting dressed. “Is it okay with you if I just stay here in my underwear?”

“Oh, you know the answer to that,” I say, giving my boyfriend’s form abdominal muscles a gentle stroke before exchanging another kiss with him. “I’ll see you on Monday, okay?”

“Okay,” Kain sighs. “Love you!”

“Love you too!” I giggle as I pull on my winter coat and my ankle boots, before grabbing my handbag and letting myself out of the young man’s house. Or rather, his parent’s house, as I’m reminded when Kain’s mother, father and brother all say goodbye to me as I walk past the living room en route to the front door. The fact that Sean is waiting for me outside in his car is also a stark reminder that as much as I might wish we were, neither Kain nor I are adults just yet and aren't completely free to do whatever we want, whenever we want. However, I am encouraged when Sean steps out of the car and allows me to elegantly slide onto the driver’s seat.

“Okay, you know the drill,” my soon-to-be stepfather says. “Adjust your seat and your mirrors, fasten your seatbelt, make sure it’s in neutral before starting the car.”

“Done, done, done and done,” I say, turning the key and feeling the machine spring to life.

“Clutch in, put it into first, and drive us away,” Sean says, and I take a deep breath before following his instructions and driving the two of us back home. I may still technically be a child, but I’m growing more and more independent with every passing day.

The biggest example of this, of course, was six weeks ago when I turned seventeen and became legally allowed to learn how to drive a car. Sean, as a mechanic and self-professed ‘car expert’ immediately stepped up to teach me the basics, which came as a relief as it at least meant it wasn’t Ricky teaching me! I’ve only had a handful of lessons but according to Sean, I’m picking it up quickly, which makes me happy- when I get my own car I’ll have a lot more freedom, especially the freedom to see Kain whenever I want without having to rely on lifts or public transport. Mum and Sean will be especially happy about not having to give me lifts everywhere!

My birthday party last month was a lot more ‘grown-up’ than previous parties, too, even if it did bring to mind memories of my 12th birthday- my first ever birthday as ‘Laura’. On that day, we had a mock fashion show and ate pizza and home-made cookies. Last month, however, we all went to the cinema before heading to a fancy restaurant for a fancy birthday meal (and cake), and even if they weren't alcoholic, the mocktails we had with our meal were a lot more grown-up than the Coke we had with our pizzas five years ago. Though we still wore our fanciest dressed, of course. It wasn’t a perfect day, however- Ashley’s friend Melissa turned 16 on the exact same day as the party, so Ashley went to her party instead of mine, and while I can kinda understand why she did this, it still drove home the feeling that the excellent eight are drifting further apart- a feeling not helped by the fact that Suriya and I haven't made any close friends yet at college, certainly not on the level of the excellent eight. And with Suri’s sister almost certainly moving away for university in September, it is feeling like it’s the beginning of the end for our little group.

However, as my family often reminds me, an ending of one thing is a beginning of another. Over the last 3 months I’ve been doing more and more modelling work, which combined with my work at Heavenly Talent's coffee shop has got me a foot very much in the door there; and through college I’ve even been getting some acting jobs, mostly as a background performer in local theatre productions, but I’ve been all but guaranteed some television work before the end of the college year.

My future may be turning out to be very different from my life so far, but there’s no reason I shouldn’t be optimistic about it- especially as every morning I wake up, I put on as much make-up as I want, style my hair however I want, wear whatever I want and spend as much time as I can snuggled up with my sexy boyfriend.

“We’re back,” Sean announces as I follow him through the front door and into the living room, where we’re greeted by mum and two unexpected faces.

“What time do you call this?” Ricky asks with a stern expression on his face.

“I call it ‘my house’ and ‘none of your damn business’,” Sean retorts, making everyone apart from my brother giggle.

“I WAS talking to my sister,” Ricky says, shooting an accusing glance in my direction.

“…Well I call it ‘my life’ and also ‘none of your damn business’,” I say, earning a loud laugh from the red-haired woman sat next to my brother.

“You tell him, girl!” Alice says in her north-eastern accent, making my brother pout.

“…No support from ANYONE,” Ricky mumbles, before chuckling and shaking his head.

“Did you have fun today?” Alice asks as I sit down in my usual spot on the sofa.

“We don’t need to hear about any ‘fun’ you had with your boyfriend,” Ricky grumbles, sighing as I stick my tongue out at him.

“Did you have fun up north?” I ask.

“Aye, it was good to get home, see my family,” Alice replies. "Even if I had to put up with a pain in the neck big brother too!" I giggle as Ricky mock pouts, before being consoled with a kiss from his girlfriend. "Good to get back to London, though. Never thought I’d miss this place as much when I was your age!”

“There’s nowhere else like it,” Sean says with a proud smile that I share- even though I was born in the north like Alice (and Ricky, for that matter), as far I’m concerned, I’m a Londoner through and through.

“Before Sean and Laura got back, you said you’d be in London for New Year, didn’t you?” Mum asks.

“Aye,” Alice replies. “We’re having a New Year party at Charlotte’s house, same as usual, but it’ll be a bit smaller than usual this year. Out of Heaven are doing a live TV show that night, Nikki and Sarah are going to be in America…”

“D’you need anyone to make up the numbers?” I ask, earning a stern stare from my mother. “…What?”

“You’re lucky enough that I’m letting you go to Wales on Monday,” mum says. “I’m not letting you go to this party as well. Next year, when you’re eighteen, then yes.”

“…Fine,” I sigh, sitting back with a pout as my brother smiles smugly at me.

“And aren’t you working on New Year’s Day?” Mum asks, deepening my pout.

“Maybe,” I mumble.

“Translation: yes,” mum says, making the others giggle at my expense and prompting me to retrieve my phone from my bag. Unsurprisingly, there are already several messages waiting for me from Kain, along with a few from the other members of the 'excellent eight'. Naturally, I deal with Kain's messages first, before turning my attention to the ongoing group chat.

'Hey girlies!' I type.

'Hey Laura!' Nicole types. 'Do we need to ask who you've been spending today with?' Nicole's 'winking' and 'kissing' emojis make me roll my eyes and giggle at the same time.

'As if you weren't snuggled up with Dean all day!' Suriya teases, earning a 'blushing' emoji from Nicole.

'Ugh!' Harriet types with an 'angry' emoji. 'Enough talk of BOYS! You know the rules!' I can't help but giggle at Harriet's message- in group chats, when the talk becomes too boy-focused, the person responsible has to do a forfeit, typically involving stretching a pair of tights over their head. Obviously, this isn't entirely appropriate for me right now!

'Can't, I've got company round,' I type with a 'sticking out tongue' emoji.

'Someone with red hair and white wings?' Priya asks with the same emoji I'd just used.

'So jealous,' I retort with the same emoji once again.

‘Oh shut up,’ Priya types. ‘I got enough of that from Suri this afternoon after she got home from work!’ This time, it’s Priya’s little sister who uses the ‘sticking out tongue’ emoji.

“Going to sit there and be antisocial all evening, then?” Ricky asks.

“Going to sit there and be anti-Laura all evening, then?” I retort, before sighing.

‘Got to be polite to my family now,’ I type in the chat. ‘Talk to you all later!’

‘Bye!’ The girls all type as I drop my phone back in my handbag and pay attention to my family once again.

Ricky and Alice stick around for another hour, just long enough to say hello to Lily upon her return from her friend’s house. This, of course, makes the 11-year-old girl excited to be interacting with an Angel, and infuriated when Ricky, being Ricky, immediately starts teasing her about her day. Eventually, it’s just the four of us (me, mum, Sean and Lily) left in the living room, and after a quick dinner I head up to my bedroom to relax. When I log back into Facebook, I find that the group chat has long since ended, so I put on some music and chill out, before going to bed just before midnight. And, of course, I exchange several messages with Kain before I drift off!

I wake up the following morning not to the sound of my phone’s alarm, but the feel of someone shaking my mattress. When I open my eyes, I’m greeted by the sight of my mother- and she has a very, very serious look on her face.

“M- mum?” I moan tiredly as I pick my long, blonde hair out of my face. “What’s up?”

“Laura, I- I’ve got some bad news,” mum says in a very soft, very emotional voice, before sitting down on the edge of my bed and taking a deep breath. “I- I got a phone call this morning from your Aunt Janine. Your grandmother, Grandma White, she- she passed away on Boxing Day. She had a heart attack. I’m so, so sorry…”

“Oh- oh god…” I moan as tears start to form in my eyes. I’m not as close- or rather, I wasn’t as close to her as I was my other, maternal grandmother, but I still loved her, especially after she unconditionally accepted me after I came out- more than could be said of her son. “I was going to see her at the New Year too…”

“I know you were,” mum whispers as she leans in to give me a very tight and very welcome hug. “Your aunt said that the funeral’s going to be on Wednesday. Laura, you- your father’s going to be there.” My eyes dart open as wide as they can go, my entire body tenses up and I feel ice flow through my veins at the mention of the man I hate more than anything else in the world.

“He- he can’t be,” I stammer. “He’s in prison, he’s got another three years-“

“Shh, shh, it’s okay, take a deep breath,” mum advises. “Your aunt says he applied for day release and was granted it. Apparently, he’s been behaving himself in prison… I told her that he can’t be in the same room as you but she said he’ll be there with a prison guard and he’ll be in handcuffs the whole time… Laura, if- if you don’t want to go…”

I pause to think after my mother finishes speaking. As much as I hate my so-called father, I did love my grandmother- his mother- and if I didn’t go to her funeral, to repay even a fraction of the love she’s shown me over the past few years, I know I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. And besides, mum will be there, so will Sean, and Ricky too, so it’s not like I’ll be alone… But I’ve not so much as seen a picture of that man in four years, and the thought of seeing him in the flesh again fills me with a feeling much worse than dread. This won’t be an easy decision…

“Can- can I think about it?” I ask in a small, feeble voice.

“Of course,” mum whispers. “Ricky’s downstairs, he came immediately when I called him. Get yourself dressed and come down when you’re ready, I’ll get some breakfast for you.”

“Ugh, thanks, but I’m really not hungry,” I moan as I lay back on my bed with a loud sigh.

“…Laura, you do need to eat,” mum reminds me as my stomach starts to growl, just as it always does when I think about my so-called 'father'. My counsellors won't say it for certain, but I'm convinced that my struggles with bulimia were all the fault of that man.

“…Maybe a little breakfast,” I mumble. “Gonna be fun being around the smell of cooking all day…”

“I think on this one occasion you can ask work for the day off,” mum says with a gentle smile. “Have you got credit on your phone?”

“Could – could you call…” I feebly ask.

“Laura, it’s YOUR job,” mum says with a soft sigh. “It’s your responsibility to tell them if you’re unable to make it into work. Being an adult isn’t all cars and parties, you know.”

“Well- okay,” I sigh, before reaching for my phone and dialling the number for my weekend manager. After a few seconds, the phone is answered, and I take a deep, nerve-filled breath.

“Hello?” Natalie asks. “Laura, what’s up?”

“Umm, hi, Nat,” I reply with a shaky voice. “I, umm, I might not be able to make it into work today…”

“Are you feeling ill?” Natalie asks in her blunt Manchester accent.

“No, umm, I just- I just found out my grandmother died…” I mumble.

“Take the whole day, it’s fine,” Natalie said in an immediately sympathetic voice. “I’m sorry for your loss, Laura- were you close?”

“Not as close as I’d have liked,” I reply. “It- it was my father’s mother.”

“Ah,” Natalie says, she- like seemingly everyone else in the world- being aware of my history with my father.

“Yeah,” I say with a grimace. “The funeral’s going to be on January 2nd, I don’t know if I’m meant to be in that day.”

“If you were, you’re not anymore,” Natalie says.

“Thanks,” I whisper. “I’ll see you in the New Year.”

“You’re not going to Wales tomorrow, then?” Natalie asks, reminding me of another person I’m going to need to disappoint- there’s no way I’m feeling up for a party tomorrow when my heart is breaking over my grandmother and my stomach is growling over Robert.

“Ehh, probably not,” I reply. “I- I’ll let Ian know.”

“I’m sure he’ll understand,” Natalie says. “I’ll let you go now, Laura, but if you ever need to chat, you know where I am.”

“Yeah,” I whisper. “Thanks.” I smile as Natalie ends the call, before letting out a long sigh and dragging my tired body out of bed.

After a quick shower, I dress in a very plain grey hoodie and a pair of black leggings, not even bothering with any make-up before heading downstairs, where my brother is waiting with an uncharacteristically sympathetic look on his face.

“Morning,” Ricky says softly as I sit down on the sofa. “Mum told you, then?”

“Yeah,” I sigh. “This sucks…”

“I know it does,” Ricky says. “But we both knew she was old, and she’d been unwell recently.”

“Well- yeah,” I say, fidgeting uncomfortably- as upset as I am about grandma, I'd be lying if I said that she was foremost in my mind right now. “Is- is Lily up yet?”

“Not yet,” Ricky replies. “Think Sean’s talking to her now, telling her, umm, I doubt she’ll be coming to the funeral. She didn’t really know grandma, nor did Sean…”

“Yeah,” I say with a grimace- Ricky’s obviously figured out the reason for my discomfort. “You- you’re going, right?”

“Well, she was my grandmother, so yes,” my brother bluntly replies. “Why, are you thinking of not going?”

“Umm…” I say, biting my lip as my brother stares intently at me. “Well, you know, da- umm, Robert…”

“I get it,” Ricky whispers. “If he’d done to me what he- well… I’d probably be worried too.”

“Try ‘scared’ instead of ‘worried’,” I snort. “Try ‘petrified’.”

“He won’t be able to do anything at the funeral,” Ricky reminds me. “He’ll be handcuffed to a prison guard the whole time. And I’ll be there. The last time the three of us were together I punched him right in the middle of his face. I’ve got no problem doing that again, even at a funeral.”

“Okay…” I say uncertainly.

“Laura,” Ricky says, before sighing. “No one can hate him as much as you do, but don’t forget I’ve got no love for the bastard even if he is supposedly my father. Not after the way he treated mum when he walked out.”

“…I can’t really remember that far back,” I mumble.

“I wouldn’t expect you to,” Ricky shrugs. “Dad-“

“Robert,” I say. “Call him ‘Robert’.”

“…Robert,” Ricky says. “He- he wasn’t all bad when we are all living together, he-“

“I really, REALLY don’t need or want to hear this,” I spit, tucking my legs underneath me and facing away from Ricky so that he can’t see the tears that are forming in my eyes.

“Laura-“ Ricky says.

“Just- just shut up,” I hiss as mum enters the living room carrying two mugs of coffee.

“Oh,” mum sighs heavily as she sees me and my brother. “Fighting in less time than it takes me to make a cup of coffee, then?”

“He started it,” I pout.

“What?” Ricky shrugs in the exact same way he did every time he tormented me when I was a child. “I was just talking…”

“Talking about what a great guy Robert was,” I say with a scowl that makes mum sigh.

“Ricky…” Mum scolds.

“What?” Ricky repeats. “I was just saying…”

“Could you try being sensitive for just once in your life?” Mum chastises, before giving my shoulder a comforting squeeze and placing a (considerably more comforting) mug of coffee in my hands. “Have you called work, Laura?”

“Umm, yeah, they’re okay with it,” I reply.

“You skiving off today, then?” Ricky asks, earning angry stares from both me and my mother. “Fine…”

“I’m going to text Ian later as well,” I say. “Not really up for a big party tomorrow, heh.”

“Understandable,” mum says. “Are you planning on going anywhere at all today?”

“Not really,” I mumble. “I’ve got some college work I can do, not really my idea of a fun Saturday, but, well, yeah.”

“That’s okay, you just relax today,” mum says soothingly as I sip my coffee.

“I can keep you company all day,” Ricky offers with a smile that make me and mum frown again.

“Pass,” I snort as mum sits down and turns on the TV.

Sean comes downstairs a short while later and joins in as mum, Ricky and I share our memories of our grandmother (as limited as mine are), and after Ricky leaves Lily comes downstairs and switches on the television. As the morning progresses, it gradually turns into an ordinary Saturday morning like any other- Sean watches the football preview, Lily heads back upstairs to play videogames in her room while mum does the weekly wash. In my mind, I have a hard time reconciling the sheer normality of the day compared to the terrible news I received this morning. It feels almost like the world should stop and take notice- but logically, I know that today is just like any other day, just as today will be an ordinary Sunday, and the day after that will be an ordinary Monday (even if it will also be New Year's Eve).

For my part, I spend the rest day listening to music learning my lines for my college play, hoping that if I distract myself enough, I can take my mind off of grandma- and off of Robert as well. However, as hard as I try, I can't help but shed a tear at the memory of the old woman- and shiver in fear at the prospect of the funeral.

After dinner, I return to my bedroom where I plug in my phone to charge it (the battery unsurprisingly took a real beating today), before sighing as I remember that I have another message to send. I lay down on my bed, plugged-in phone in hand, and open up Facebook., quickly locating the profile of my friend and shooting him off a message.

‘Hi Ian,’ my message reads. ‘Really sorry but won’t be able to make it tomorrow, just found out my grandma died on Boxing Day and I’m really not up for a party right now, sorry.’

‘That’s okay,’ my Welsh friend replies almost immediately. ‘I'm really sorry for your loss, God knows I’d be devastated if my grandma died. Well, one of them, anyway. Were you two close?’

‘Not as close as I’d have liked,’ I reply. ‘She was my paternal grandmother.’ I had to type that message four times before I was satisfied with its wording- typing ‘my father’s mother’ would not be accurate under the circumstances, and frankly, ‘paternal’ is stretching it a bit.

‘Oh,’ Ian types, being aware of my history with Robert despite him living in another country. ‘I am sorry to hear that. You were still fond of her, though?’

‘Yeah,’ I reply. ‘Was kinda devastated when I heard the news this morning.’

‘I bet,’ Ian types. ‘Well, we will miss you tomorrow, though I reckon my girlfriend will be less jealous.’

‘Lol,’ I type as a genuine smile spreads across my face. ‘Maybe we can meet up when you’re back in London?’

‘Sure, I’ll be back for New Year,’ Ian replies. ‘Dunno what I’m doing yet for New Year though.’

‘We could have a repeat of last year’s meet-up on the 1st?’ I type. ‘Well, technically this year’s?’

‘If everyone’s available,’ Ian reminds me. ‘As in ‘not hungover’. Which I probably will be lol. We could maybe meet up on the 2nd?’

‘That’s the day of the funeral,’ I reply as a shiver runs down my spine.

‘Oh,’ Ian types. ‘Well, we can work something out later.’

‘Sure,’ I type. ‘Hope you have a good day tomorrow!’

‘Thanks,’ Ian replies. ‘I’m so sorry for your loss.’

‘Thanks,’ I type. ‘See you later!’ I smile as I log out of Facebook, before sighing and collapsing back onto my bed.

The next few days go a lot quieter than I’d originally planned. I spend New Year’s Eve at home with just mum, Sean, Lily and my other grandmother, who I make a particular fuss over as, like Grandma White, she's has her own share of health problems in the past. Ricky and Alice obviously attended the main Angel New Year party at Charlotte Hartley’s house, and even though mum says I’ve got a ‘party credit’ for skipping Ian’s birthday party, I doubt I’d have been up for the Angels’ party even if I thought that mum would've allowed me to go to it. However, I’m happy enough celebrating the start of 2019 with the people I love most- especially as I spend a lot of the night talking online with Kain.

I spend most of the following day, January 1st, working- either at the coffee shop or doing college work at home. Unlike last year, there’s no ‘big get together’ for the members of Jamie-Lee Burke’s ‘Fellowship’, though I do at least get to catch up Ian when he drops into the shop with his friends- even if the chat is cut short when Kain shows up with a bit of a jealous look on his face! As brief as the chat was, though, it was a very welcome distraction- and Kain was obviously an even more welcome distraction.

Eventually, though, New Year’s Day comes to an end and I opt for an early night, though I barely get any sleep as there's nothing left to distract me ahead of the funeral. I’m awake when my phone’s alarm goes off at 7:30am, and after taking care of business in the bathroom- including swallowing my oestrogen pill, something I do with particular pride today- I head downstairs, where mum and Sean are already awake, and much to my surprise, Ricky and Alice are already present and waiting, dressed in their smart suit and black dress respectively.

“…You’re planning on wearing THAT to the funeral?” Ricky asks, gesturing to my lilac dressing gown and earning him a punch in the arm from his girlfriend.

“Just ignore him, Laura,” Alice says with a sympathetic smile. “You okay today?”

“I will be once this is over with,” I sigh as I sit down and sip the cup of warm coffee that mum places into my hands.

“It will be fine,” Ricky reassures me. “Robert isn’t going to be able to do anything, and me and Alice will be within arm’s reach of you the whole time.”

“Absolutely,” Alice says with a warm smile. “It’ll be a nice day for you to say goodbye to your grandma, then we can all head home and you don’t even need to think about him again.”

“Yeah, well that’ll be easier said than done,” I moan.

“Have you had any nightmares about him this week?” Ricky asks bluntly, earning stern stares from everyone. “It’s a reasonable question.”

“No it isn’t,” I spit, before sighing. “…And no, I haven’t. I can’t even remember the last time…” Though I do know it was a long time ago- and I can remember every single one I had about him.

“And you’re not a psychiatrist,” mum chastises my brother.

“I’m only trying to help,” Ricky protests with faux innocence.

“Yes, well keep a lid on your ‘help’ until after the funeral, okay?” Mum cautions. “Laura… There is going to be a small do after the funeral, just a get-together for family. Your fa- Robert WON’T be there, he’ll be taken back to prison immediately after the service. Ricky’s said he wants to stay for it, to catch up with your aunt and your cousins, but you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“I haven’t even seen my aunt or my cousins since- well, you know…” I mumble.

“Well- you don’t have to decide right now,” mum says reassuringly.

“We’re heading off at about 8:15, want to beat the traffic,” Sean advises. "If my parents get here in time to look after Lily, of course."

“What, only 45 minutes to get ready?” Ricky teases, earning another punch from his girlfriend.

“What do you want for breakfast?” Mum asks, making my stomach growl- the mere thought of eating anything right now is making me feel very sick, but I know that if I don’t, I’m going to have mum on my back all day…

“Just- just some porridge, please,” I say. Something that'll at least be digested quickly...

After eating breakfast, I get dressed in a very simple, very plain black dress, along with black tights and flat black shoes. I only wear very light make-up- just foundation and some eyeliner, not even any lipstick- and I skip the perfume for today. I want to appear feminine today, as that's what I am, but not 'in your face' feminine. Thankfully, five years of hormones and hormone blockers means that comes very easily to me. Once I’m dressed, I head down to Sean’s car, where I climb onto the back seat alongside Alice and Ricky (though thankfully, I’m sitting next to the former rather than the latter).

45 minutes later, we pull into the car park of a small crematorium just outside Watford town centre, and my blood immediately chills when I see a very conspicuous G4S on the other side of the car park.

“Laura?” Alice asks softly. “Are you okay?”

“Mm,” I grunt in reply, clenching my jaw to stop my whole body from shaking.

“Laura, if you don’t want to go in-“ Mum says softly.

“No- no, I’m okay,” I whisper as I remember three years ago when I met Grandma for the first time in what felt like forever. Back then Grandma White had come to our house purely because she’d visited Robert in prison and he’d asked to see me- or rather, he’d asked to see ‘Leon’. On that occasion, Ricky had gone in my place, but he’d also said that at some point, I’d need to confront him myself. I now know that this isn’t true- in fact, the restraining order against him means that legally isn’t true (he’s only allowed here today as he’s under guard). The fact of the matter is, though, that he has served more than half of his prison sentence, and no matter what, in less than 3 years, he’ll be a free man. I can almost feel the bile rising to my throat at this prospect…

“Take it easy,” Mum whispers as she helps me out of the car and waits for me to compose myself before leading us into the crematorium.

I can feel the eyes of some of the mourners on us as we take our seats a few rows back from the front, and while I know that logically, they’d be looking at anyone entering the room, a part of me still can’t help but wonder if they’ve ‘clocked’ me. Admittedly, I do get this feeling everywhere I go, and while I’ve learned to ignore this feeling, the fact is that here, a lot of the attendees will only have known ‘Leon’.

…One of those people being the middle-aged man sitting two rows in front of us, whose very presence makes me tremble uncontrollably as I sit down. Even though I can see the chain connecting him to the guard sat next to him, a part of me expects him to turn around at any second, reach over the chairs and grabs me…

“Laura,” mum whispers, snapping me back to reality. “Are you okay?”

“Mm,” I grunt in the affirmative, not taking my eyes off of Robert as the room starts to fill up.

The service starts a short while later, and I do allow myself a few tears as Grandma’s coffin is carried in and placed at the front. The service itself is very tasteful and respectful, with a few songs being played and my aunt reading a poem she'd written about Grandma while at school.

Eventually, the service ends and we begin to file out, and I feel myself freeze to the spot as Robert passes me, escorted by his guard. For a brief moment, our eyes meet, and my entire body feels like it’s encased in ice. My legs begin to quiver, and if not for Ricky whispering ‘it’s okay’ in my ear, I’d probably have fainted right then and there. When I regain control of my body, I immediately point my eyes at the floor, desperate to look anywhere other than at Robert, but when I look back up, much to my surprise, his eyes are also pointed straight at the floor of the crematorium. We follow him and his guard out of the crematorium and to the car park, and much to my surprise, Robert doesn’t look up even as he’s placed in the back of the prison van and driven away, almost like he’s unable to meet my gaze…

“Well, that was a pleasant enough send-off,” mum says, and for a moment I’m actually confused as to whether she was referring to Robert or to Grandma. “Laura, have you decided yet if you want to the do?”

“I-“ I begin, but before I can continue, I’m interrupted by a voice from behind us- which is just as well, as I genuinely haven’t made my mind up yet…

“Hello Michelle,” a woman with a thick, yet familiar Yorkshire accent says as she approaches, flanked on either side by two young men. Even though I haven’t seen her for almost as long as I’ve been alive, I immediately know that the woman is my Aunt Janine, and the two young men are my cousins- and the look in their eyes as they look at me is NOT a friendly one. "You came, then."

“Oh, hello Janine,” mum replies, not quite disguising her nerves about the confrontation. “Yes, well, you extended the invitation, I felt it was only right for all of her grandchildren to be present today. It- it’s been a while, heh! This is my partner Sean, this tall man here, if you can believe it, is Ricky, and that’s his partner Alice,” I take a deep breath to brace myself as I wait for my introduction- and the inevitable response it will provoke. “And this is La-“

“Leon,” my aunt says, and my blood instantly goes from ice to boiling.

“Laura,” I say, interrupting my mother before she has the chance to speak.

“Leon,” my aunt insists. “’Laura’ is a girl’s name.”

“Yes,” mum says bluntly, interrupting me before I can speak. “Is there something you want, Janine?”

“I want to know why exactly my brother had to come to and from his mother’s own funeral in a prison van,” Janine bluntly says, increasing my anger even further.

“You know why,” mum growls.

“I know it was because of him,” my aunt says, pointing a finger straight at my face.

“No, Robert was imprisoned because of Robert,” Ricky angrily retorts.

“Janine, please,” mum says, trying her best to remain calm. “We’ve just said goodbye to your mother, she wouldn’t want us-“

“Don’t you tell me what my mother would want!” Janine snaps. “She wouldn’t want one of her grandsons to be abused by his mother and turned into a- a freak!”

“How dare you!” I hiss. “My mother has NEVER abused me, unlike that criminal Robert!”

“You shut your mouth, you little cunt!” One of Janine’s sons says, and as my anger causes my hands to shake, I barely notice the tall person standing between me and the angry young man.

“Want to repeat that?” Ricky asks, having shed his coat, his suit jacket and his tie.

“I’ll say what I want to my freak cousin!” The young man snarls.

“I’m your cousin too,” Ricky says as he squares up to our cousin, who is easily as tall as my brother. “Whatever you say to my sister, you say to me.”

“Jake,” Aunt Janine says in a subdued voice. “Let’s just leave them, they’re not worth it.” I roll my eyes at the use of the cliché ‘not worth it’ line, and a quick glance around at my family reveals I’m not the only one.

“…So, to answer your question, no, I don’t want to go to the do,” I sigh as I climb back into Sean’s car, before letting out a loud, pained groan.

"Why- why would they even invite us if they were just going to make a scene?" Ricky asks.

"I dunno," mum sighs. "Your aunt's always been a bit, well, 'funny'..."

"I wasn't laughing," I snort.

"That makes five of us," Sean sighs heavily as he starts the car and drives us back south. "They still live in Leeds, don't they?"

"I think so," Ricky replies. "Huh, I was even thinking of going to visit her at some point, reconnect with Jake and Darren. I mean, it'd been 15 years since I last saw them, but I remember we used to have some fun times together."

"I remember your aunt yelling at you AND me when you once threw one of your cousins into a wall," mum reminds my brother.

"We were probably just play fighting, boys do that," Ricky shrugs. "I remember you yelling at me a hundred times for the times I used to play fight with Le- with, umm-"

"With me," I sigh. "Which to give you SOME credit, you at least don't do anymore."

"Never stopped my brother when we were younger," Alice shrugs. "Must be a northern thing, I dunno. Though if they hadn't left when they did it wouldn't have been a 'play' fight, that's for sure."

"Lucky for him," Ricky says sternly, before shrugging once again. "I suppose- and I get how bad this'll sound- but I suppose this is the one good thing to come out of Grandma dying- you can just completely cut that side of the family out of your life."

"Umm, you mean 'we' can?" I correct my brother. "I take it you meant it when you said 'what they say to you, they say to me'? Unless you actually want to have that fight with Jake?"

"Well- I, umm..." Ricky says, fidgeting in a very uncomfortable and very uncharacteristic way for him.

"...Ricky?" I ask.

"What's the matter?" Mum asks, making my brother let out a long, pained sigh- he clearly doesn't want to tell us what he's about to tell us, and given how candid he usually is, that has me extra worried...

"I suppose you're going to find out sooner or later," Ricky says, before taking a deep breath. "Over the last twelve months, I- I've been visiting Robert in prison."

"WHAT!?" I screech, startling both mum in front of me and Alice next to me. "Are you- are you joking me right now?"

"Laura, he- he's still my father," Ricky says. "Or at least, for eleven years, he was."

"I was about to say," I hiss. "Fourteen years ago, he decided he WASN'T anymore."

"And I never got the chance to ask him why," Ricky retorts. "Which I'm not blaming you for, I'm just saying. I didn't go down to mend fences, I went for closure. I wanted to tell him exactly what I thought of him, why he deserved to be where he is, and- and he actually listened to me."

"...Really?" I ask.

"I know, it came as a surprise to me too," Ricky continues. "I told him all about your health problems-"

"You told him about THAT?" I growl. "He had NO right to know!"

"I agree," mum says sternly.

"I wanted him to feel guilty for what he'd done," Ricky says. "He never did all throughout when he was being sentenced. But, after four years inside... I think it's dawning on him. So, a few months later, I went back again, and- well, yeah. I'm not saying that you should ever go and see him, Laura-"

"Good," I interrupt.

"I'm just saying, I-" Ricky says, before sighing. "I'm just saying that he isn't a COMPLETE monster. Not anymore, at the very least."

"You'll forgive me if I don't believe you," I say, before staring out of the window and pouting at the scenery as it passes by.

"Of course," Ricky whispers as the rest of the car ride passes in silence.

We arrive back home a short while later, where Sean's parents greet us as though we'd always been their family. Sean's mother asks me, mum and Alice about the funeral, listening intently to our answers, while Sean's father talks with his son and Ricky in the kitchen. When we start detailing our confrontation with my so-called 'aunt', though, I start to see another side to the elderly woman- and why I'm so lucky to have her in my life.

"You poor, poor girl," Sean's mother says, giving me a gentle hug as I let out a long sigh. "This Janine woman is lucky I wasn't there, no one, and I mean no one talks to a granddaughter of mine like that!"

"Umm, but I- I technically-" I hesitantly retort.

"I don't care about genes or anything like that," Mrs. Ruddock says dismissively. "As far as I'm concerned, you're as much my granddaughter as Lily is."

"And I'm happy to share," the 11-year-old girl says with a wide grin that earns her a hug from her- or rather, our grandmother.

"You do realise that technically makes Ricky your grandson, though?" I ask, smirking as mum sighs.

"Well, we take the rough with the smooth," Grandma Ruddock says. "No offence, Michelle."

"Oh, none taken, believe me, Ricky's as rough as they get," mum says. "I just hope he's on his best behaviour in six weeks' time."

"Ooh, yes, the big Valentine wedding!" Grandma Ruddock says with obvious glee. "I can't tell you how much Harry and I are looking forward to that! Have you two got your bridesmaid's dresses all sorted out?" I let out an involuntary giggle as I think about the beautiful light blue dress I'll be wearing next month- and, much to my surprise, Lily lets out a simultaneous giggle as well!

"Our last fitting is the weekend after next," mum replies. "I'm getting more than a little bit nervous!"

"I don't doubt it!" Grandma Ruddock chuckles as we relax and start chatting about happier upcoming events.

I've heard it often said that 'you don't choose your family', and for a long time, I thought that saying was absolutely true, especially as it applied to me. But the truth is, we CAN choose who we consider to be our family, and as much as I'll miss Grandma White, I'm very, very lucky to be able to claim Sean and his family as my own- not just as a father and a sister, but grandparents and aunts who actually accept me for who I am.

And, of course, I have one other family, a family created purely through choice, one of whom I give a long, tight hug to when I see her at her house the following morning.

"Whoa, hey!" Megan giggles as she returns my hug. "What is this for?"

"For being my BFF," I reply with a grin that makes the tall girl giggle. "And for being the sister I always, always wanted."

"D'aww," Megan sighs happily. "Take it you had a rough time at the funeral, then?"

"Ugh, you don't know the half of it," I sigh as Megan and I flop down on her sofa and I fill her in on the events. I know she'll offer a friendly, sympathetic ear to my problems- after all, that what both friends and true family are for.