Thursday, September 24, 2015 - 4:00 AM
How is it that the very same behavior that is so fetchingly cute at 4 PM is downright annoying at 4 AM. Changing a baby at 4 AM is a monumental challenge when you are sleep deprived because you were up to all hours on the net trying to find out how to be a good mother.

At least I knew what this dripping a bottle on your wrist was all about. If the formula was comfortable on your wrist then you wouldn't freeze or scald the baby.

Who knew? My determination to become a woman had never included being a mother - biology can only be stretched so far!

Resting in the rocking chair, the baby crooked in my elbow and the bottle propped just so, the little darling slurped away. Thank heavens I had gotten that rocker on a whim a couple of years ago. I had hardly used it since I got it, but it sure looked like it was going to be the most useful piece of furniture in the place.

The baby slowed down, then stopped. Placing one of the new baby towels over my shoulder, I patted and rocked until a burp the size of Texas emerged from that rose-petal mouth. Also some white glop that soaked into the towel, but I was too busy assuring little Dawn she was the world's best baby to notice.

Dawn was still restless, and rocking didn't seem to be helping. Noticing the sucking motion of Dawn's lips, I thought it was pacifier time. Naturally that was in the bedroom and the rocker was in the living room. On impulse, I shifted my nightgown and brought Dawn to my breast buds. Not much there, but what the hey?

The kid latched on and settled right in as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Who knows, maybe it was. I was suffused with an overwhelming joy of having a baby at my breast. After this, nothing was going to separate me and Dawn until the child grew up and went off on her own.

Nothing!

Thursday, September 24, 2015 - 7:00 AM

Morning came far too soon after that four o'clock feeding. I managed to get dressed and hide my tired eyes with a bit more makeup than usual before feeding and changing Dawn. I made coffee by rote, shoveled down some Rice Krispies and a banana, then opened the door to the studio.

I live in a very nice place I inherited from my Grandparents when they passed away way too soon. My older brother (by ten years) Ralph was already married and had his own place when they died, so they figured I should get the house. Four bedrooms, one for me, one for guests, one for the computers and such to process my photography and one to fill with junk. I had separate living and dining rooms and a very functional kitchen. I converted the three car garage into a studio, so I have lots of room for my professional work.

I hadn't planned on having a baby when I converted the garage to a studio, but it sure turned out to be a great idea. I was glad my cameras and equipment were already set up and I didn't have to schlep them along with a baby to a distant studio.

If I'd been any more awake I might have worried about what my crew and my subjects might think of my sudden gender change, although it had been pretty much an open secret. Fortunately, Dawn was the one that got all the attention, Hope was just there to provide a sideshow.

This was to be a fashion shoot, several young models, makeup, wardrobe, annoying publicity hacks with grand ideas, the whole nine yards. The models were distracted by the baby. The photographer was hard put to concentrate with a baby in the carrier clinging to her artificially inflated bosom. Eventually professionalism reigned, and Dawn didn't seem to be bothered by the flashing lights or general hubbub.

In fact, there was a bit of a bun fight among the models when feeding time came. Strangely, it was the publicity hack that won the day, Dawn was happy with the result - a full tummy - and I was happy with the quiet baby and the pictures. There were some very genuine smiles on the models, and it only took a couple more hours than was scheduled.

When I had finished and everyone had gone home, I checked my phone to find several messages from Darrel.

"Darrel, you called?"

"Jesus girl, I thought you had taken off with the baby or something. Don't you ever answer your phone?"

"I turn it off when I'm working. People are paying me for my time, not to talk to someone else."

"Well, we found a judge for you to talk to tomorrow. I'm afraid the news people have gotten hold of the story and your anonymity has been shot to hell."

"Oh joy. Well, you know what they say - any publicity is good publicity."

"Not when you're my boss, Hope. I'll deny this if it gets out, but the new director of this place is a political hack who doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground. He also thinks this position is a stepping stone to be the next county exec. He's having conniptions because you're a tranny."

"I'm not giving her up, Darrel. Not without a fight."

"Good for you. Now all we have to do is convince the judge. The good news - for you - is that the grandparents don't want anything to do with the baby, they're willing to give her up for adoption. You need to get yourself a lawyer right away and file the papers as fast as you can."

"I suppose that means I'm not going to be able to have a nap with Dawn."

"Late night, Hope?"

"I always laughed at the jokes about four o'clock feedings. I'm not laughing any more."

"My wife breastfed, I couldn't help her there."

"I almost wish I could, you know."

"Talk to your endocrinologist. I've heard rumors and you're already taking hormones."

"Really? If I ever wake up again I'll have to do just that. Thanks, Darrel, you're a prince."

"Don't thank me yet. One of my colleagues is going to pay you a visit tomorrow morning to inspect your home and ask you a whole lot of very intrusive questions. I'd do it but we don't want anyone to scream collusion or quid pro quo because we know each other. I e-mailed you a form that will have you answering a whole bunch more intrusive questions. Get it filled out ASAP and e-mail it back so we have time to wave a magic wand over it and make it official in time for court."

"I have appointments tomorrow, Darrel"

"If you want to keep Dawn you're going to have to reschedule."

"When you put it that way…"

"I do. You don't know how many favors I called in for you, lady. This stuff usually takes weeks or months to get through."

"I take it back, Darrel. You're not a prince - you're the freaking king!"

"I'd say I was the fairy godfather but that might be misinterpreted. Two o'clock tomorrow in Judge Mika's courtroom in the municipal building. And bring the baby, OK?"

"And a lawyer. Maybe she can hold the baby while she's telling everybody what a good mother I am."

"Hope, I've known you're a mother for years and years."

"And I intend to prove it, Darrel."
 

Thursday, September 24, 2015 - 1:18 PM

I need a lawyer. Somehow my business lawyer isn't quite what I need right now, corporate law this whole thing isn't!

And I need a lawyer by tomorrow. I knew the answer, I just didn't like it. Making foolish faces and watching little Dawn sort-of-smile was much more satisfying. With a sigh, I fished the cell phone from my purse.

"John Paul Waldrop," came the voice from the phone. "I thought you'd never call your poor, aged mother again."

"I bet you don't look any older than you looked at dinner on Tuesday."

"I count at least six gray hairs since then, not that I'm counting."

"Excellent, you'll look very distinguished before the jury the next time you get some miscreant off."

"Only if you're a man, gray hair on a woman looks dowdy."

"I'll remember that when my time comes. And Mom - it’s Hope from now on."

"So you've gone and done it."

"I started HRT long ago, but circumstances have forced my hand. I've just become a mother."

It has to be said that I truly enjoyed doing that to my mother. The reaction was all I could ask for.

"Have you lost your tiny little mind along with your manhood?"

"Mother, you can't be implying that I think with my dick. Really!"

"Don't change the subject. What's this mother business?"

So once again I related my event-filled trip to the mountains. Precisely on cue, little Dawn began to make baby noises into the phone.

"That's the baby, isn't it?" my mother inquired.

"That's what I've just been telling you. Your new granddaughter."

"You don't do things by halves, do you?"

"So I've been told."

"So my part in this, besides being an instant grandmother, is…?"

"I need a lawyer. The crazies got wind of the whole thing and they don't want a tranny to have a baby."

"I wish you wouldn't call yourself a 'tranny.' That's a loaded word."

"All right. The crazies don't want a transwoman to have a baby. You know the drill."

"So I do, but transgender adoption is settled law since, what, 2003?"

"I know, but you know how the crazies work. If they lose in one place they start picking away somewhere else. This isn't adoption, right now I'm a temporary foster parent, one that isn't certified or whatever they call it. Darrel went out on a limb for me because there wasn't anyone else available to take Dawn. I'll be damned if I'll abandon her to the system."

"You'll be damned anyway, Hope. I don't understand why you think you're a woman and I don't understand why you want this child, but that's your decision. You're my child and I'll go to bat for you. Besides, I like tying crazies in knots. If this just happened, how did the crazies get wind of it?"

"There are assholes and ideologues in every profession. Someone at the county must have called one of the crazies. There were some uh - vigorous - discussions according to Darrel. Darrel is pissed, but the word is the crazies are filing for an injunction or a stop order or whatever you lawyers call it to keep the baby away from the the pervert."

"The pervert being my, uh, daughter. I'll need to get together with you and Darrel before we get to court. Always best to know what you're talking about before you get in front of the judge. Who's hearing the case, do you know?"

"Somebody named Mika."

"That's good. You can reason with him. Call up Darrel and let's get going on this. It's a good thing I'm semi-retired so I have time for this crap. Besides, I want to meet my granddaughter.
 

Thursday, September 24, 7:25 PM

"Hello?"

"Is this Hope? Ursula Sanders here."

"Ah! My favorite lieutenant. Actually, you're the only lieutenant I know so you would have to be my favorite."

"Just call me Ursula; I've had quite enough of being a lieutenant for today."

"I suppose my rough days don't hold a candle to your rough days."

"There are some… Anyway - I just wanted to let you know we recovered the mother's body this afternoon. Darrel and I had a talk with her parents - that's the polite term for it - and I have an immense appreciation for Darrel's people skills. If there was any way to toss that bastard in the jug I would have been happy to do it. And don't you dare tell anyone I said that!"

"Said what? We must have a bad connection."

"Actually, I think we have a pretty good connection. You're the kind of people who make this job worth doing."

"I'm flattered."

"Unofficially, the grandparents signed away anything to do with Dawn and the father is unknown, which should help you tomorrow. I just wanted to give you a heads up."

"Thanks, Ursula. I have been a bit worried."

"Well, you've got me for a character witness if you need one."

"I'll keep it in mind, if I stay awake long enough. Instant motherhood comes with things I never thought of."

"Like sleep deprivation. How well I remember! You will get through it and she should start sleeping a little longer fairly soon now."

"You give me hope, Ursula."

"You're already Hope, Hope."

"Ack!"
 

Friday, September 25, 2015 - Way too early in the morning

I wonder if I'm ever going to get used to a baby's schedule? Up twice to feed her, the second time I woke up in the rocker at eight in the morning. Now she's sleeping and I'm vacuuming and picking up the place for the social worker's visit. Suzy homemaker indeed!

I had filled out all the forms and printed them for the social worker. By the time I had finished I realized just how many favors Darrel had to pull in to rush this through. It usually takes months to get through all the things that need to be done before the State will trust you with somebody's little kid. Even though I easily met most of the requirements, there was a long list of them.
 

*18 years or older

*Single, married or in a long term relationship

*Have a safe and insured vehicle

*Have a working phone

*The child must have it's own bed

*You have to have a job

*No more than six children in the home

*Infants and toddlers will be required to have full-time at-home parent care.

 
And that was just the first paragraph. I wondered if the social worker would consider working in my in-home studio acceptable?

Then there was training, fingerprinting, background checks, TB tests, CPR and first aid training and on and on and on. If parents who got their kids the normal way had to meet all these requirements, humanity would have gone extinct and rats would rule the world.

The house was as nice as I could make it, not that I let it get too bad most of the time, but I was still nervous. Not surprising when someone was going to pass judgement on my competence to be a mother in a few minutes. Finally the doorbell rang and I opened the door.

"Hello, I'm Roweena Sherwood, from the DSS. You must be Hope."

"Yes, I am. Come in and meet little Dawn. Unlike me, she gets to sleep on her own schedule."

"Wouldn't that be nice. I'm not much of a morning person myself."

"I'm usually a morning person, but I usually don't get up twice a night to feed a baby."

"Comes as quite a shock to the system, especially since you weren't expecting it."

"It has its rewards, especially when she smiles."

"That it does. I usually like to start off with a tour of the home."

"Certainly. Come this way."

So I showed her the place, bedrooms, the usual other rooms and, of course, my studio. She took the time to look through the paperwork, then asked me a whole bunch of intrusive questions, just as Darrel had warned me. I don't think she was expecting me to have any experience with children, though.

"So Hope, can you tell me if you've cared for any infants before now?"

"About a dozen, all told."

"Really?"

"I did a lot of babysitting while I was in school. I can show most of them to you if you're interested."

"You can?"

"I'm a photographer, I take pictures of everything!"

I handed her the album of baby pictures from my babysitting days. I took many of them, but the parents of the kids gave me copies to keep, so I was in quite a few of them. I was a funny looking, kid who often looked faintly confused. I suppose that was because I was faintly confused about just who I was.

"Of course, you realize this is from before I transitioned, so the boy in the pictures is me."

"Really. I have to admit I haven't worked with anyone transgendered yet."

"Not too surprising. I don't know anybody in my transgendered circle who is raising a young child, though several have older children or adult children. To tell you the truth, I had no expectation of becoming a mother until it happened."

"The unusual aspects of this case have gotten the department in quite a flutter."

"The story of my life. I'm sure that you realize I am no stranger to controversy, being a boy who knew he was really a girl. I understand there are some folks who are trying to prevent me from keeping Dawn, and I'll see them in court this afternoon."

"So I understand, but my only function is to evaluate your home and you as to how well you will be able to care for Dawn."

Roweena had more questions, but I didn't sense any hostility, just a caring human being trying to do her job to insure Dawn was placed in a good home.

"I do have one question for you, Roweena," I said.

"Go ahead."

"This whole infants and toddlers have to have a full-time at-home parent business. I work at home, but I know bureaucracies well enough to wonder if that's enough."

"At least that's not a new problem. The regulations were written before it became more common to work at home. I don't think you have to worry as long as you can take care of her when she needs it."

"She has a way of letting everybody know when she wants attention. That shouldn't be a problem."

Just about then Dawn woke up hungry, so I fixed her bottle and fed her while we talked. I'm sure I saw approval on Roweena's face as I did so. I think Dawn was slightly miffed that I didn't let her suck on me after the bottle, though. Dawn and I had a short nap after Roweena left, which we both needed by then.
 

Friday, September 25, 2015 - 2 PM

If the only courtroom you've ever seen was on the Tube, you're bound to be disappointed by the real thing. Having a lawyer for a mother I've sat in a few of them to watch her work and it's usually boring! Sometimes you get someone who spins a good tale as to why they didn't do what everybody knows they did, but mostly you get whiners or people too scared to do more than mumble. The defense lawyers can make murder seem almost mundane and lesser crimes can be as dry as a poorly written textbook.

It's a bit different when you are the subject of the hearing. At least I wasn't facing criminal charges, although the wacko from POCAP thought I should be. That's Protect Our Children Against Perverts. This guy had to be among the flakiest of California's flakes and he was sure I was a Fruit ready to sell little Dawn into slavery or prostitution or who knows what else. A very earnest fellow, indeed.

Just how he got there is a mystery, but obviously one of Darrel's colleagues thought transgendered people were not suitable parents and was willing to abandon their professional ethics to call in the nut squad.

I had never been in Family Court before, as the proceedings are usually confidential since they involved children. We weren't even in a formal courtroom, but the Judge's chambers. There was Dawn, me, Mom, Darrel, the Judge, a court reporter and the Flake. The judge seemed to be a pretty warm human being sitting in a regular chair and not behind an imposing bench.

He ran through an obviously canned spiel about this being an actual judicial proceeding but he would handle things informally due to the emergency nature of deciding Dawn's custody. Judge Mika obviously knew everybody but the Flake, so he asked why he was there.

"I'm here to protect the interests of the child, your honor"

"Your honor," interjected my Mother, "I do believe the child's interests are represented by the DSS."

"Are you related to the child?" asked the judge. "I understand her grandparents have relinquished any interest in her and there are no other relatives involved."

"I represent POCAP, your honor."

"I'm afraid I don't know what that is, sir."

"That's Protect Our Children Against Perverts."

I swear the judge did an eye-roll.

"This is a family court, I fail to see how you have any standing here."

"The community has a strong interest in protecting children from perversion, your honor."

"And just how does the placement of this child involve perversion?" fired back my Mother.

"I would be curious as to that, myself," the judge remarked.

He was not impressed, his tone of voice carried far more meaning than his simple words.

"We feel an innocent child should not be placed in the home of a man who parades around in women's clothing, your honor."

"I will ignore your loaded language for the moment, sir, but are you implying that a transgendered person is not fit to be a parent?"

"I am not implying it, your honor, I am stating it definitively."

"Then you are behind the times, sir. California law explicitly allows transgendered persons to foster and adopt children. Since you have no relation to this case, I will have to ask you to leave so we can continue this hearing."

"Your honor! I fear for the welfare of this child."

"Unless you can present anything more than a prejudice against transgendered people, I must ask you again to leave."

"Prejudice? You would allow a pervert to have access to a child? I…"

"You are coming dangerously close to contempt, sir. Leave now or I will call a bailiff to remove you."

The message finally got through to him and he left, muttering to himself.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that, Ms Waldrop." said the judge.

"Don't be, it's nothing new. I've been out for quite a few years and realize some people have trouble with me. I can't say it doesn't bother me, but I'm used to it. I smile and drive them crazy, that works better than losing my cool. Something I learned watching my mother in court."

"Interesting. I must say this is one of the more unusual hearings I have presided over. Of course I am well acquainted with both your mother and Darrel professionally, but to have the applicant related to the lawyer and apparently a lifelong friend of the social worker is a first."

"I've never done things quite normally, as my mother can attest."

"Be nice to the judge, Hope." my mother admonished.

"Yes, mother." I said with a grin.

"I managed to find time to review the paperwork and everything seems in order, if a bit rushed. There is no foster parent certified to handle infants available, it seems?"

"That's correct, Judge." replied Darryl.

"The report from Ms Sherwood is quite positive, she agrees that you will be an adequate caregiver for the child. I also have your statement, Darrel and of course your lawyer and mother agree you will be a good mother to Dawn. I also have a statement from a Lieutenant Ursula Sanders attesting to your ability to care for Dawn. Most unusual, I must say."

"She was the officer investigating the mother's suicide." I supplied. "We spent a considerable amount of time together while they searched for the body."

"Such a shame for a life had to end so tragically. Be that as it may, if you agree to take the required training as soon as it's available I see no problem with you continuing to care for Dawn until your guardianship can be made formal. Just how did you convince her to sleep through this hearing, anyway?"

"I fed her just before we started and that usually keeps her snoozing for half an hour or so."

"I should have been so lucky. Our last one was colicky. You're a lucky woman, Hope."

"I think so. I intend to apply to adopt Dawn just as soon as I can complete whatever paperwork is necessary. I'm not going to let her be abandoned again, your honor."

"Excellent! Then I hope I will see you once again when the adoption case comes up. I wouldn't mind at all being the judge to follow up for this darling little lady. In that case, this hearing is over and you can go home with your daughter, Hope.
 

On the way out of the courtroom, Darrel stopped me.

"Hope, you're going to have to take the baby to the well baby clinic sometime soon so the doctors can take a look at her."

"I suppose so," I answered. "A mother's work is never done."

"I could have told you that, Hope," my mother teased.

"I think you did when I started babysitting. I didn't believe it until I found out a mother can't just hand the kid back to the parents when she starts to cry."

"And who was it that wanted to become a woman?"

"Go ahead and rub it in, Mom."

"You can bet I will! But I am proud of you for stepping up and cherishing this little angel. You make your father and I proud."

"Thanks, I'm trying my best, Mom."

"If I can interrupt this love fest…" spoke Darrel.

"Go away, Darrel. I'm enjoying my mother telling me I'm a good girl."

"Good. Then take this card and call the clinic as soon as you get your fill of motherly praise. Then you'll be a good girl in the eyes of the DSS."

"Aye, aye, sir!"
 

Friday, September 25, 2015 - 7:15 PM

"Hi Ursula, it's Hope Waldrop."

"I'm glad you called. I've been thinking of you."

"You wanted to know what happened. It's been an interesting day."

"As in the Chinese curse 'may you live in interesting times?' The scuttlebutt is that you kicked some ass this afternoon. I hope you were wearing five inch spike heels when you did."

"Close, Ursula. The Judge did the ass kicking but I can't picture him in five inch spike heels. I did get inspected and interviewed to be a foster parent in the morning. The judge was a sweetheart but wasn't taking any shit. I guess it helped he knew my mother the lawyer and Darrel the social worker; he just read the paperwork and said OK. Right about now I'd say something like 'I want my Mommy' but she was with me all afternoon at the court."

"Glad you had some moral support."

"Moral support, hell! She's my lawyer and I think I must be half pit bull if I inherited my genes from her. That woman gave those crazy from POCAP a roasting worse than she ever gave me, and that's saying something."

"I hope I never have to testify against her clients in court!"

"I wouldn't want to be on the wrong end of her questioning, either. I couldn't get anything past her when I was a kid."

"You poor baby! So are you official?"

"Provisionally. I have to complete the training they require of all foster parents and jump through some hoops, but I can keep her."

"That's good to hear."

"Mom's submitting the paperwork to legally adopt her, so I need to up my hoop-jumping training to be ready. Maybe I should join a gym."

"Which, of course, the crazies will say makes you a bull dyke. Don't take this the wrong way, but I never would have guessed you're trans until all the kerfuffle this afternoon."

"I'll take it for the complement it was intended to be. It's not like I've been trying to hide it, but I haven't gone out of my way to publicize it either. I suppose those crazies are doing a fine job of spreading my personal life around without any help."

"You can't win with such people."

"Except in court. The judge didn't have much use for them. From what Mom says the judge is pissed because family court proceedings are supposed to be confidential."

"That they are. From what I've heard Mika has his head on straight. I don't get involved in family court so I have never appeared before him."

"Well, even though he was nice, I felt like disappearing. I'm not used to being the center of so much attention."

"I don't think anybody likes being the center of attention in a court. At least you weren't there for something that would lock you up for a decade or so."

"If the crazies had their way I would have been shoved in a hole in the ground and given bread and water once a week."

"And I suppose they wanted this done in Jesus' name?"

"They had enough sense not to invoke the deity in court, but the one who held forth had that TV preacher kind of speech pattern. The judge had to shut him down when he really got going."

"I'm glad you made it through. I've had to be at some pretty horrific scenes, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate what you did for that sweet child. Her mother was a very troubled girl and if you hadn't come along I'm afraid we would have had one more tortured child to deal with."

"And how can you be sure I'm going to be any better?"

"Women's intuition - and a long talk with Darrel."

"I'm in trouble now!"

"He tells me you haven't got a prayer of using a poker face when you get together."

"So that's why he keeps skinning me at the table!"

"Maybe as Hope you can use enough makeup to hide that inside straight."

"You ought to join us some night, penny stakes and no cigar smoking. I could use another feminine presence now that Hope is here to stay."

"That might be fun. The two of us might distract the good ole boys enough to win."

"I'm counting on Dawn to fuss at just the right moments to keep them off their game."

"Speaking of babies, how is little Dawn?"

"Laying on a rug trying to find her toes, or at least that what I think she's doing. It's hard to tell with all the random movements."

"And how much sleep has our new mother had lately?"

"Sleep? I vaguely recall hearing the word somewhere. Can you remind me what it is?"

"Like that, huh?"

"I appreciate nap time as much as Dawn."

"After today I'm thinking of finding an assistant photographer and baby-minder to help out."

"Sounds reasonable. What kind of qualifications are you looking for?"

"I really haven't gotten that far, Ursula. Someone who likes babies, can change a diaper and is interested in photography and will put up with a lousy pay scale in exchange for learning the business. While I'm at it a great cook, taxi driver, masseuse and a hunk to look at. Hell, if he's a good enough masseuse I could do live-in so there's someone to get the kinks out of my back after carrying Dawn around all day. If I'm going to dream I'm going to dream big."

"Type it all up and put it on Craigslist. You never know."

"Sure. I thought you were the pragmatic, hard-bitten cop. 'Just the facts, ma'am.' "

"You're too young to know about that show unless you're a cop."

"You-tube. Got to do something while I'm feeding the baby in the middle of the night. I'll watch anything, even Dragnet."

"You poor thing. Y'know, I just might have something for you."

"Oh?"

"One of my nieces graduated last year and is doing nothing much, but I suspect she really didn't want to go to school anyway. She's been flipping burgers part time and babysitting trying to find herself or some such euphemism for mooching off her parents. She's a good kid, though. Should I ask her if she's interested?"

"I don't know. With such a glowing recommendation…"

"She's a good kid, just doesn't know what to do with her life. Someone like you could be good for her."

"Are you seriously recommending a tranny as a role model for your niece?"

"I'm recommending the good person I met as a role model. After all, if you got past the vetting to foster Dawn, there can't be too many skeletons in your closet."

"Too many dresses and skirts in my closet to fit a skeleton."

"I should have known. I'll have her give you a call."

"Thanks, Ursula. And thanks for being a friend"
 

Saturday, September 26

Missed poker night with the boys. It would have been interesting to play poker with the boys as Hope for the first time, but I was just too damned tired to get all dressed up and drag myself and Dawn over to Phil's place for the game. Next month I'm hosting, so introducing Hope will have to wait until then. Whether it's John-Paul or Hope, I enjoy poker. I just hope that the testosterone soaked atmosphere of a poker game will not poison poor Hope.

Yeah, right!
 

Monday, September 28, 2015

Made a down payment on my fifteen minutes of fame even though it took a few hours. That doesn't make much sense, does it?

Actually, a reporter from our local weekly paper wanted to do an article on me and Dawn. As an independent businesswoman, publicity is always something that I need, I just hope the finished article concentrates on the baby and motherhood and not on the bits of my body that I need to have removed.

The reporter was an earnest young man who seemed genuinely interested in understanding what happened and learning just who I was. He seemed a bit uncomfortable with the transgender parts at first - most men are, in my experience - but asked some pertinent questions. He jumped at the chance to feed Dawn when she got hungry and had a truly bemused look on his face while burping her.

I have hopes his article will be positive, both for my business and for other transgendered people.
 

Tuesday, September 29, 2015 - 6:00 AM

Life had gotten complicated as an impromptu single mother. Silly sentence, that, but true. With little Dawn now officially my foster child, I was able to think abut the rest of my life, at least between changing and feedings. While watching the level of formula drop in Dawn's bottle, I realized that my standing appointment with Dr Emma Burke, my psychiatrist, was only a couple of hours away.

Now, up until a few days ago, appointments with Emma were a priority in my life. Having started on hormones and being ready to start my Real Life Test when my body had begun to change, the doctor held the key to my transition. Being sliced, diced and spit out by a suicide and then the court system, then being sleep deprived with a new infant made me less than aware of even such important events in my life.
I packed up all the paraphernalia required to transport a baby - weighing in at several times the child's own weight - and loaded everything in the car.
 

Tuesday, September 29, 2015 - 10:00 AM

As you might suppose, turning up at the appointment with my shrink with a baby in tow would be a pretty definite indicator that I had started the Real Life Test. Either that or the doctor would know that I had gone crazy.

"You're just full of surprises today, Hope," she greeted me.

"I've had a few surprises in my life in the last few days, Emma."

"This is going to be an interesting session. Want to tell me all about it?"

So I told her.

"Are you ready for such a major commitment?" she asked.

"Yes, I think I am, both to her and to myself. My Real Life Test started when I knew that I could not let Dawn be abandoned to the system."

"Raising a child alone under normal circumstances is difficult. I'm concerned about doing so while you are learning to be a new person at the same time."

"So am I, Emma, so am I. On the other hand, I really can't look at transition as becoming a new person, it's more not hiding who I really am. I'm finding that motherhood more than balances the four o'clock feedings and dirty diapers. At least so far, Dawn is content to watch as I work and is even an asset. You'd be surprised how much happier my clients seem when they get to make faces at the baby. Makes them much easier to photograph."

"I suppose it beats waving a stuffed monkey at them."

"I know once she's mobile I'll have to have help and babysitters, but that will wait until I get through the adoption process, if I get through it."

"I suppose as a transwoman that isn't guaranteed."

"To say the least, but I'm determined to let Dawn grow up a strong and happy woman."

"Despite your lack of a female background?"

"Maybe because of it. Maybe she'll throw me a curve ball and be transgendered herself. Now wouldn't that be a kick?"

"One problem at a time, Hope. You've taken on a lot, if you need to see me more often we can work something out. I'm proud of your compassion and determination. Just don't let it overwhelm you."

"I'll try, Emma. So far, so good. At least if I get enough coffee to keep awake."

"At least you're not nursing or that coffee would keep the little darling awake."

"I just wish I were nursing. I've let her suckle me a little bit when she's fussy, I guess I pass muster as a pacifier, at least."

"Interesting. And how does that make you feel?"

"Happy that she will suckle, sad that I can't provide nourishment directly. I'll take what I can get as long as it doesn't harm Dawn. I do feel closer to her when she's at my breast."

"I can't see how it could cause any harm, but it could cause some confusion on your part. If it does, call me."

"I will."

"And our time is almost up, but it seems your personal alarm clock is ready to either eat or get changed. Good luck to you, Hope."

"I'll need it. We're off to the Well Baby Clinic when I'm finished here."

"A mother's work is never done, is it?"

"I'm finding that out!"