Journal of an Instant Mother - Part 05 of 11

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Part 5 of 11

Thursday, November 12, 2015

"Hey Hope!" Darcy called. "Our afternoon session just canceled - the kids are sick."

"Crap!"

"Better they stay home than get Dawn sick."

"I can't argue with that. So what do we do to amuse ourselves? Got any ideas?"

"We can watch Dawn flop around on the floor?"

"Been there, done that. Too bad she's too young to take her to the playground and let her run around."

"She has to learn to crawl first."

"Like I said, too bad. I suppose we could always take her for a walk."

"Maybe the zoo?"

"Why not? I haven't been to the zoo in years. She won't care but we can have fun."

"We can put her in the fuzzy bunny suit she got from Aunt Ursula."

"I would never have believed I'd become friends with a cop! Of course I never would have believed I'd be breastfeeding a baby, either."

"Don't forget rescuing me from flipping burgers. That's my favorite thing I wouldn't have believed."

"My dad just shakes his head and mumbles about 'taking in strays'."

"Your Dad is cute when he grumbles."

"You didn't have to grow up with him! I bet I'll never hear you describe your father as 'cute'."

"I don't take sucker bets. What's the temperature outside like?"

"Supposed to get into the sixties."

"Then the bunny suit will be fine. Of course we'll need a dozen blankets and a small wagon to carry all of Dawn's other junk."

"Says the woman with the purse big enough to lame an elephant and her camera bag."

"Smartass kid! You can carry the camera bag just for that."

"Oh please, don't make me lame like the elephant."

"When we get to the elephants you can see if he'll take over for you."

"Maybe we can train a chimp to pull the wagon."

"We're fresh out of bananas to bribe him with. Besides, they would probably object to us letting him out of his cage."

"Yeah, the foster people wouldn't go bail if they locked you up."

"Then we'd better be on our best behavior. Ready?"

"Let's go!"
 

There are two things at the zoo that stand out in my mind, one bad and one good: the chimps and the train. By the time I was old enough to understand what that floppy sack hanging between my legs meant, I always winced watching the male chimps. I mean, there they were, right out in view of everybody! When they would hang off the swing or a branch I was uncomfortably reminded of the balls hanging off me, it just didn't seem right!

If you hung around long enough, you were bound to see one of the males start chasing and beating on one of the other males. The fights didn't last long, but they were too much like the bullying crap at school for my taste. You'd think that, being more evolved, humans wouldn't do that kind of crap.

Kids are naive, eh?

The good memory was riding the Little Puffer, a restored miniature steam train. When I was a kid my Grandma Norma would take me for a ride on it when we visited the zoo. She was a rotund woman who barely fit in the seats designed for kids, but she squeezed her way on and we had a wonderful time together. Grandpa Walter was a skinny dude and had no trouble with the seats. He would just smile benignly at his wife as we rode along.

At an age when toilet humor was the height of hilarity, I found out the train had been stored in the elephant house for many years and they had to clean the elephant poop off it when they restored it. My friends and I got a lot of mileage from elephant poop jokes until my parents got sick of it and banned elephant poop jokes from our home. I suppose I'll get to hear them all again in a few years when Dawn hits that stage.

As we strolled around the zoo, Dawn had that wide-eyed baby stare as she took in the sights. I loved watching her as her eyes flicked around and I could almost hear the gears grinding in her head as she tried to figure out just what the heck she was seeing. Her cheeks had a rosy glow from the slightly cool air and she would occasionally wave her arms or bounce a bit as we watched the animals.

Feeding time came, so we found a quiet bench in one of the buildings and I discretely covered us with one of her blankets while she sucked eagerly at my breasts. When she had finished with me Darcy took over with a bottle and she promptly went to sleep after a belch that would have made one of the gorillas proud.

Speaking of feeding time, Darcy and I indulged in some overpriced hot dogs and fries at the snack bar, congratulating ourselves about our healthy eating habits because we had a salad with our hot dogs. A salad counteracts the calories in the rest of the meal, doesn't it? Hot dogs at the zoo are a required part of enjoying the place.

Of course we rode the carousel, even if Dawn didn't seem to be too thrilled. I particularly like watching the lemurs, for some reason they fascinate me as they chase around with their ringed tails high in the air. The primates were on their best behavior today, I didn't see anyone getting bullied in the enclosure, which made me feel a lot happier.

Taking my daughter to the zoo made for one of the happiest days I've ever spent. Motherhood is amazing, especially with someone like Darcy to share it with.
 

We were walking through the Cat Kingdom watching the rhinos, sounds silly to say that, but the rhinos are on the other side of the walkway so you can watch them both, when the lion let go a big roar. OK, I jumped, but a kid, maybe four years old, started jumping up and down exclaiming "That's a lion, daddy! He's loud!"

"He sure is, Tiger."

"I'm a lion, daddy, not a tiger!"

"So you are."

The little guy was wearing a lion sweatshirt with a fuzzy ruff and a hood with lion ears. Cuteness on the hoof, except that lions don't have hooves. His mother, who looked to be about eleven months pregnant, was smiling benignly at the two men in her life.

The roar had roused Dawn from her nap, so I picked her up and ran through the standard baby checks to determine she was dry and not stinky, so I just held her and made silly noises. I settled on to a nearby bench and cuddled her. A minute later I was conscious of two big, brown eyes watching me as the little lion stood in front of me.

"My mommy's going to have a baby, a girl baby." he said solemnly.

"She is?" I asked in response.

"Pretty soon. But I can't play with her because she's gonna be too little."

"Well, babies start out being pretty small. You have to be very gentle with them. I know that you'll be a good big brother to your sister."

By now the parents and Darcy were watching our little conversation with amused looks on their faces.

"I'm gonna help!" he enthused.

"I'm sure you will. Your mommy will need you to be very good since babies take a lot of time and attention.

"Mommy's gonna have her baby in a swimming pool!"

Now where did that come from? I looked at his mother.

"Home birth in a water bath. Looks like a swimming pool to Ethan."

"Ah, from the mouths of babes…"

"He does have his own take on things."

I moved Dawn to my lap.

"Ethan, would you like to meet my daughter Dawn?" I asked.

"Sure!"

He came closer and stared."

"She's tiny."

"But she's growing. She was even smaller when she was born."

Dawn picked that moment to let go of one of those high-pitched baby shrieks that practically shatter glass.

"She's loud!" exclaimed Ethan.

"She sure is. I bet you were just as loud when you were little."

"He sure was!" confirmed his father.

"Daddy!"

Nothing like an exasperated four year old. I glanced up and Darcy was capturing the whole this whole scene with the camera. The girl had the instincts of a great photographer. So did I, so I set up the next picture.

"Would you like to hold baby Dawn on your lap, Ethan?"

"Can I?"

I glanced at his parents and got a 'It's your funeral' sort of look.

"Hop up here next to me, OK"

With clumsy agility the boy climbed up on the bench and I placed Dawn in his lap, making sure my hands were close enough for a quick retrieval if something went wrong. Nothing did, and I have the picture of a grinning Ethan holding Dawn in his lap on the wall of my office to this day.

With a sigh, Mom seated herself next to Ethan and Dawn and smiled.

"You're very kind. Ethan is fascinated with babies these days."

"I'd say he doesn't have long to wait for his new sister."

"Next week! I can't wait until I can carry her around in a stroller instead of inside me!"

"I can only imagine. Dawn's adopted so I never had the pleasure."

"Adoption sounds very good to me right now, even if I know it will be worth the effort when she's here."

Dawn started making happy baby noises and Ethan looked completely amazed.

"That means she's happy, Ethan. She likes you."

"Neat!"

"I'm Hope," I said, turning to my new friend. "and that's my crony Darcy with the camera."

"Dottie Ginsburg, and my husband Graham. So nice to meet you."

"A pleasure. I haven't been to the zoo in years, but now that I'm a mother I realize what I've been missing."

"Taking kids to the zoo always makes it fun. Obviously Ethan loves the lions."

"He's a sweetheart. I hope he does as well when his sister arrives."

"Sometimes I think we're nuts to have another child."

"Try being a single woman adopting a month-old baby with no warning! That's adventure enough for me. I don't know what I'd have done without Darcy to help."

"You're either crazy or courageous."

"A little bit of both. Looks like Ethan has had his fill. Can I hold Dawn now, Ethan?"

"Sure."

So I picked Dawn up again and she started rooting around.

"Looks like time for her to eat again." I said as I found a blanket and prepared to let her get to my breasts.

"I thought you said she was adopted?" Dotty asked in wonder.

"She is, but hormones can do wonders. Breastfeeding is always best if you can do it. It took a lot of effort but it was worth it."

"Amazing!"

"Anything with a baby takes a lot of effort."

"You got that right. Looks like Ethan is ready to go, it's been a pleasure meeting you, Hope."

"Let Darcy give you one of my cards and you can e-mail me so I can send you some of the pictures."

"Oh, thank you!"

"My pleasure! Enjoy the zoo."
 

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Darcy brought Rory for an extended visit today. He's a nice guy, not that I'd expect Darcy to be dating a creep, but it was a bit strange to be in the role of approving a boyfriend for a dependant. Motherhood has some unexpected twists, it seems.

Actually, we got on very well and had a good time. I think Darcy is pretty far gone on the boy.
 

Wednesday November 18, 2015

Three month well baby visit today - the baby is well. Duh! 12 pounds, 8 ounces and 22 inches. Just about average, not that my darling baby could be considered average in any way!
 

Thursday, November 20, 2015

Dawn is three months old, but do you think she cares? Not a chance. Still acts like a two month old baby - go figure.

I suppose these mini-birthdays are really for us adults, or at least those who are trying to convince ourselves we are adults. When I think of how much Dawn has changed in two months it's really amazing. She can keep her head up when she's on stomach, she does the baby clapping thing, likes to wave toys around and whacks at her mobile. She's even starting to show some interest in crawling. The kid is ticking all the boxes on the growth charts.

It may seem cold, but the best thing her birth mother did for her was to suicide and leave Dawn to get the love and attention she needs. Maybe I'm a heartless bitch, but after reading about her birth mother in the scandal sheets I shudder to think what her life would have been like otherwise.

Enough negativity. Darcy baked some birthday cupcakes and we shared them with all our customers today in the studio. We got some exceptional shots today, maybe feeding prior to portraiture is a good idea. Of course, we'd have to control ourselves or we'd be fat in no time. Darcy is a great baker.

As we flopped on the living room couch after the session, I asked Darcy what her plans were for Thanksgiving.

"Nothing on Thanksgiving day. Aunt Ursula has to work, so we're having the family Thanksgiving on Saturday when she's off."

"I guess police don't get regular holidays off very often."

"That's right. At least now she's a Lieutenant she has it a little easier. Mom said when she was just a regular officer she always got stuck with the worst shifts."

"Newbie and female?"

"I guess. I wasn't old enough to notice back then."

"Neither of us were born back then! It's strange to have a friend as old as my grandparents."

"It's pretty good, though. Aunt Ursula was there when I broke up with my first boyfriend and my mother was off in East Jahunga somewhere working. She just hugged me and let me bawl my eyes out, then told me it wasn't the end of the world."

"I bet you didn't believe her, did you?"

"Not a word! Then she told me about the guy who dumped her in the middle of her senior prom. I was so mad at him that I almost forgot I was devastated because Billy didn't love me any more."

"And how long did it take for you to figure out that Billy was an asshole who never loved you in the first place?"

"It seemed like forever, but finally my girlfriends told me he had been screwing around the entire time we were going together, but I just didn't want to see it."

"Love is blind and pretty stupid, too."

"You got that right!"

"I guess I'm lucky. Since I never went steady I never got my heart broken."

"I was kinda curious about that. Did you like boys even when you were one?"

"Pretty much, but since the other boys who liked boys were interested in a boy and not a boy who wants to be a girl, I never found anyone to get serious about. I went on a couple of dates with girls just to keep my parents happy, but they all knew it wasn't going to get serious. I even dated a couple of lesbians who were pretending just like I was. Mutual assistance pact, not really a date."

"I suppose I would have noticed if here was anyone special by now."

"Nope, nothing in sight. Now that guy with the cute kid at the zoo might have been interesting if he didn't have a very pregnant wife."

"All the good ones are taken, eh?"

"It seems like it. But then, until I have my surgery I don't intend to do any looking. Too much else going on with Dawn and you to look after."

"Sure, use me as an excuse, lady!"

"Any port in a storm. Now Rory seems to be pretty interested in you."

"Awww…"

"Well, I didn't think you brought him home for inspection because you found him on the street somewhere."

"Hope! It's not like that!"

"Just pulling your chain, sweetie. Love or lust?"

"Maybe a bit of both? But I'm not ready to go to bed with him."

"And don't do it until you're both ready. Look at me giving advice to the lovelorn. A virgin tranny - sheesh!"

"Doesn't mean you aren't right."

"We seem to have drifted from what's happening at Thanksgiving. Since you don't have any plans, would you like to meet my family and share Thanksgiving with us?"

"Have you asked your Mom?"

"Of course. She likes you, Darcy. You'll be welcome by everyone but my Weird Uncle Burt. He doesn't like anybody, especially his nephew who wears dresses."

"But he's family and you have to invite him, right?"

"Got that one the first time!"

"So do you get any rip-roaring brawls going over the football game after dinner?"

"Nah. We all learned how to gang up on Burt and shut him up when he gets to be too much of an ass."

"Family togetherness! How sweet. I wouldn't miss it for the world. I hope you breastfeed Dawn right in front of the old sourpuss."

"Whoah! Now I'm positively looking forward to Thanksgiving. I wonder if I should accidentally flash some tit at Burt?"

"Don't get carried away. I could bring the camera and be ready if something were to accidentally occur…"

"Telephoto lens so he doesn't see it?"

"Of course. You set up the shot, I'll take it. How about a mass e-mail to your family?"

"You minx! Maybe I should autograph it and give him a framed copy."

"You're bad! I'm going to ask Mom to invite you to our thanksgiving so we can have some fun there, too."

You've got a deal!"
 

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Life certainly gets weird. I spent the entire four years of my high school career avoiding sports, most especially football. Knowing that I was really a girl, even if nobody else knew or cared, the idea of watching steroid-soaked behemoths cavorting on the grass had little interest for me. No, I actively disdained such amusements.

I did have some sympathy for the cheerleaders, though. In several vivid dreams I was one of those nymphs prancing and bouncing around with pom-poms and a short skirt - I mean, how girly is that, really?

So it was truly strange to be sitting in the bleachers with Darcy and Dawn watching the Homecoming Game at Kathy's high school on a cool, clear Saturday night. The temperature was in the forties, so Dawn wasn't the only one wrapped in a blanket. I had forgone my usual skirts for some warm jeans, as had Darcy. How Kathy and the other cheerleaders managed in those little skirts was something I didn't want to contemplate.

Actually, I shouldn't complain about forty degree temperatures after reading about blizzards and tornadoes and such weather in the rest of the country, but that stuff doesn't happen here. Maybe all that running, jumping and hand waving keeps the girls warm.

Having met several of the girls at the impromptu demonstration on my front lawn, we were invited to celebrate the team's victory at a nearby pizza parlour. It's been close to a decade since I was in high school, but damn we had fun. Dawn was the star of the evening and I have the numbers of lots of babysitters available for duty if Darcy and I want to go out by ourselves.
 

Monday, November 23, 2015

A red letter day. Tonight when I fed Dawn she didn't want to finish up with a bottle. Does that mean she is getting enough milk from me to fill her up?

A girl can hope! OK, I'll say it: Hope can hope!
 

Tuesday, November 24, 2015 - Morning

Well really, the morning after the night before. To make life even better, she only woke up once overnight. She did want some bottle, after all she went far longer than usual between feedings. Dare I dream of a full night's sleep?
 

Tuesday, November 24, 2015 - Afternoon

"My, she's grown, Hope," said my favorite shrink.

"I should hope so. She's greedy as all get-out! Sucks me dry every time!"

"She what?"

"Hah! I'm a breastfeeding mother, Emma."

"You're looking rather proud, my girl!"

"I should hope so. Of all the things I had in my tiny little mind when I realized I was really a woman, breastfeeding a baby wasn't even on the list. Having someone totally dependant on you is a powerful motivator. I had to do some fast talking to the endocrinologist to let me try, but he decided there wasn't too much risk and a reasonable chance of reward. Dawn seems to agree."

"I suppose asking how your transition is going would be rather redundant under the circumstances."

"All the horrible things I imagined have stayed in my imagination. I suppose I've found out I have a very nice circle of friends. I'm trying not to be impatient to finish the RLT."

"Now that's a rather normal reaction for a transwoman. I'm glad to see you're normal somewhere in your transition."

"What? I can't be the only one who ended up a mother."

"There have been some, but none with an infant, and none so suddenly. I have to say seeing you so filled with resolve is a pleasure. I was beginning to wonder about your commitment."

"Actually, I was going to tell you that as soon as the hormones gave me anything near a B cup I was ready to go full time. Part vanity, part fear, I suppose. Nothing like a baby to juice up your commitment."

"I don't believe I would recommend such therapy to most of my patients, however."

"Might be hard to find enough babies, I suppose."

"Yes! black market hormones are a big enough problem, black market babies…"

"You know? It's good to be able to joke about it. I've been so busy with Dawn and the increased business that Darcy has brought in that I sometimes don't have enough time to relax and have a good laugh."

"Speaking of Darcy, how is that relationship developing?"

"Quite well. We've hit it off well on a personal level and she has really shown an interest in the photography business. She makes a wonderful nanny and a promising apprentice. She knows how to use social media effectively and has brought in quite a few new clients. Dawn is turning out to be a business asset as well. You wouldn't believe how she brings out the smiles in people. I don't know what will happen when she's mobile, but right now she's a charmer."

"I can see that. I'm having a bit of a problem concentrating on you and not making faces at her."

"Always a mother, eh?"

"Now wait a minute! I'm supposed to be the one doing the analysis here."

"Does that mean I get a discount?"

"Not a chance! I'm thinking that a month from now is getting close to Christmas and might be difficult to schedule, so shall we try to meet in early January. I think you are doing as well as anyone can on your transition, but certainly call me if anything happens to cause a problem."

"Sounds good to me, Emma. By that time you might even get to feed the baby - she should be ready to mush pablum all over her body about then."

"Get on with you! Tell your mother to be more respectful, Dawn."

I had to disappoint Emma (maybe) because I couldn't find a compatible date in early January. Fortunately, there was one slot open just before Christmas, so I took that one. Beggars can't be choosers, I guess.
 

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Thanksgiving!

The holiday where you get together with family, eat too much, promise your father you won't kick Weird Uncle Burt in the teeth. Males belch and watch football, females cook and wash dishes and kids drive everyone crazy. Traditional, huh?

Not in my family. My Dad is the cook, we eat reasonable portions of healthy food all year long and belching is verboten on pain of Mom's severe look. I'm usually in the kitchen, we all wash dishes and clean up and Ralph & Judy's kids are well behaved. I do have to promise not to cause Weird Uncle Burt to visit the dentist; so much for tradition.

This will be the first time I'll be attending as Hope; while the family gossip network has made sure that everybody knows I've transitioned, this will be the first time most of the extended family will meet Hope.

Then there's Dawn, who changes everything. Normally, Thanksgiving kinda rolls off my back and - ho, hum, it's on to Christmas. This year I have a whole lot to be thankful for, Dawn in particular. This year the thanks are most assuredly not perfunctory.

Perhaps I should call the roll:

*Me, Dawn & Darcy

*Mom & Dad

*Brother Ralph, Judy & the kids

*Mom's Brother Sam & wife Dolly

*Dad's sister Silvia & Weird Uncle Burt

*Mom's brother Charlie and wife Marge

*Aunt-by-courtesy Lillie, Mom's college roommate. She comes unencumbered with a man in her life

*Max, Aunt Lillie's nine-pound ball of canine fluff, otherwise known as a maltipoo. She never leaves home without him.
 

Darcy and I came over early to help get things set up - daughter's duty, don'tcha know? Of course everything came to a screeching halt so that the grandparents could play with the baby. Eventually Dawn was settled in the porta-crib that had become a permanent fixture in my parent's living room and we got the tables set and the out-of-bird stuffing stuffed. The in-bird stuffing had been taken care of some time before when the bird went into the oven. It takes a good five hours to roast a 24 pound turkey.

This was our first extended father-daughter bonding time, and other than a couple of rueful glances that I caught out of the corner of my eye Dad seemed happy to have me as his daughter. Ask any transperson and they'll tell you there is a world of difference in saying someone accepts you and them actually accepting you. By the time dinner was on the on the table I was sure that he really meant it when he said he loved his daughter just as much as he loved his son.

Actually, I was quite content to have Darcy do the honors of introducing Dawn to the family while I puttered around in the kitchen. This let me remove my apron and make a grand entrance carrying the turkey, revealing Hope to the family who hadn't met her.

Hmm - I still have the habit of referring to myself in the third person to differentiate the older me from the newer me. Lord help me if I start using the royal We.

I was wearing the Thanksgiving skirt that Judy had somehow found time to make for me - how she does it I'll never know! It was ankle length, with a border of turkeys and corncobs around the hem and cornstalks extending from the border to the waist. The skirt was in fall colors, so I wore a simple brown blouse that would let me easily unbutton it to feed Dawn. If she held to her usual schedule, that would occur shortly after we started eating, thus giving Weird Uncle Burt a show.

I have to admit I was looking forward to surprising the rest of the family, not just Weird Uncle Burt, but he was the prime target. Since this is an enhanced diary, I'll take some time to tell you about him.

Burt is the black sheep conservative in a family of liberal leaning free spirits. How Aunt Sylvia ever came to love him remains a mystery, but they have been happily in love for longer than I've been alive. The word raconteur may have been coined just for Weird Uncle Burt - he is a masterful storyteller, knows more lousy jokes than any human alive, and is staunchly Republican. He is also, when the mood strikes him, thoughtful, caring and intelligent.

I present a certain problem to Burt, causing a conflict between his inherent conservatism and his genuine care for other people. To this day I have no idea how he manages to reconcile those two views, but he manages somehow.

When I realized that I was truly a girl, Burt was a tad skeptical - sort of like saying the ocean is a tad wet. Never hesitant to express his opinion, we had several extended conversations about transgender people. He was interested to learn about the subject but far from convinced that I was truly a woman. I was about to provide a demonstration of just how much of a woman I had become, but he was in blissful ignorance of just what was coming.

I settled the bird in front of Mom to do the carving and took my seat across the table from Uncle Burt. The poor man didn't even have any time to toss a couple of zingers at me before the dishes started whizzing around the table and everyone tried to snag their favorites before they disappeared. Considering the amount of food we had prepared, I considered shortages to be highly unlikely.

With the perfect timing of a baby, Dawn woke up about the time I had finished cutting my turkey into bite-size pieces. Dabbing my mouth with the napkin, I arose and picked her up, returning with a blanket for the pseudo-discretion of breastfeeding an infant. Dawn immediately started rooting around as she neared my breast, so I covered her with a towel, unbuttoned my blouse and unhooked the cup of my nursing bra. By this time I could do this sort of thing in my sleep - hell, I had done it in my sleep.

With unerring homing instinct her mouth found my nipple and she started happily sucking. The occasional audible slurp made sure that everyone was aware of what was happening under the baby blanket.

The reaction was all I could hope for, and Darcy was capturing it with the camera so that these pictures would grace the idle screen of our computers for all of time to come. I simply fed myself one-handed while Dawn had her dinner, politely ignoring the amazement of my family who knew damn well I had been born male. It took two prods of Sylvia's elbow to get Weird Uncle Burt to shut his mouth. That woman has a great future in professional hockey with an elbow like that!

Now I have never been an exhibitionist, believe me, but when Dawn had drained one side, I 'accidentally' let the blanket slip and Burt got a good look at my breast before I hurriedly replaced the blanket. Damn, I love being a nursing mother!

Nursing mother, eh? That started to change that night. Once Dawn had had her fill I settled her into the highchair that Mom had bought ages ago for the other grandkids. Much like sister-in-law Judy, Mom never throws anything out, thus the porta-crib and the highchair. With some padding around her Dawn was able to sit by this time and did that wide-eyed baby stare as she surveyed her kingdom from her throne.

I'm not sure why I did it, but with her mouth hanging open I took a finger-full of mashed potatoes and scraped a little bit into her mouth. Wide-eyed became bug-eyed and she worked her mouth around, slobbering mashed potatoes down her chin and onto her bib. Then she smiled. That kid's smile will melt my heart every time, and I made ridiculous noises praising her for eating her first solid food.

She took a few more finger-fulls, but she was already full from nursing so it didn't last too much longer. Another milestone passed, and in front of my entire family. She's a good kid.
 

One more thing needs to be said about Thanksgiving: I gave thanks for finally being able to cast my fears aside and make the transition to Hope permanent. Despite having known from before ten years of age that I just wasn't a man, fear and uncertainty had kept me from making the change permanent and public.

That changed with my sudden decision to become responsible for another life; I no longer had the luxury of agonizing and second guessing myself. My commitment was now total to being the best woman and mother I could be and to be sure the child who had such a rough start in life grows to be a happy and fulfilled person, able to share love an joy with the people in her life. For that I am truly thankful.
 

Saturday, November 28, 2015

No poker tonight despite it being the fourth Saturday of the month. The boys will be able to have a testosterone fest while I'm having a delayed Thanksgiving dinner with Darcy's family.

Somehow it almost feels like I'm married to Darcy, despite our age difference. Not that there's any romantic interest on either of our parts - we are both have our attention firmly centered on the opposite sex. Not that I'm going to be dating anyone until my surgery is complete, and even then being a mother comes first. But children do grow up eventually, so who knows?

Darcy's Rory was at the family celebration, too. I'm beginning to think that our sort-of-marriage may soon become a sort-of-ménage à trois, the girl has that look in her eyes and so does he. He spent a lot of time playing with Dawn and is good with her, He may just be a keeper.

Well enough speculation. Spending time with Darcy's family was wonderful. Ursula and I have become friends - over the phone mostly - we both have such busy and unpredictable schedules it's hard to meet face-to-face.

When we arrived Darcy's folks practically snatched the kid out of my arms. If I ever had worries that Dawn had only one set of grandparents who cared about her they were set to rest that evening. Did I say it sometimes seems like I'm married to Darcy? Well, her parents enthusiastically agree. I seem to be somewhere between spouse and Queen Mother. I was escorted to my throne (a very comfortable lounger) and plied with drinks and appetizers while Dawn was undressed from her traveling clothes and was tickled, smooched, raspberried and otherwise adored by all present. I think Ursula was about half-a-step from pulling out her badge to demand her turn at one point.

The dinner was superb, with Dawn sampling the mashed potatoes again, but this time I was not drafted into the kitchen - being the honored guest has its privileges. To my surprise, the TV was never turned on - this family believed in talking to each other rather than staring at a screen. I have seldom felt more comfortable with people I had just met, and even opened up a bit about growing up transgendered. No one asked - I just felt comfortable when the family started telling those stories about who did what when they were such-and-such an age, and wasn't that the cutest thing you ever saw?

The women present were universally approving when I put Dawn to my breast and the men tactfully averted their gaze as necessary. I was even comfortable enough to tell them about how I managed to start producing milk, but I did try to make the breast pump bra as funny as I could. Darcy was right there to supply the straight lines, we make a good team.

My only concern was that if we had to eat another Thanksgiving meal before the next year we would need new wardrobes. Salads for the next week, and maybe we should start jogging when we took Dawn for a walk.

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Comments

Lovely story.

Thanks for sharing. Well written and a joy to read. Again I thanks.

Robyn Adaire

Bonding of mother anc child

BarbieLee's picture

A lot has been bantered about women who breast feed and the mental and physical aptitude of the wee one compared to bottle fed. There is a further bonding of mom and child which seems to correlate into a more mentally stable and healthier child and adult. Ricky wrote about a genetic male managing to breast fed and she has done her research. Sometimes it's spontaneous with the sudden death of the mother, the father took over the role and within days was providing milk. Other times it has been a long hard pull to get milk production. All instances depend upon a desire to do so.
Ricky's tale is a laid back heart warming tale of Hope willing to adapt her whole life around an orphaned baby. Hope has to have the heart and soul of a female. As been said so many times, if men had to birth and provide for a baby the human race would die out. Women will give up their life to save their child. Men naturally hesitate thinking of revenge.
Love the story Ricky, you did your homework either in real life as a parent or you did a deep research of the subject.
Hugs Ricky
Barb
Life is a gift, treasure it.

Oklahoma born and raised cowgirl

The research was real life

Even though my days of raising an infant are more than forty years in the past, the memories are still fresh. I did have the occasional longing t be able to breastfeed back then, but my wife was perfectly capable. And yes, I did take some of the four o'clock feedings with formula or milk pumped and stored for the occasion. Writing this one brought back many happy (and painful) memories.

As far as men breastfeeding, I spent a good deal of time on the Internet to be sure I got the details right. I try to set my stories as close to reality as I can manage.

Happy TG story

There is a dearth of emotionally exhausting TG stories, with the danger that is all too real for the unwise. This was such a fun surprise. There are those in the T woman's life that are loving and accepting and this depicts them well.

Thank you.

Gwen

Turkey twice

Jamie Lee's picture

Darcy and Hope are doing well together both in taking care of Dawn and the business.

Hope has been good for Darcy in teaching her the photographic business and suggesting going back to school to take Liberal Arts courses, maybe finding something that really interests her.

Turkey twice, plus everything else? That'd be enough to last several days. Or as Hope fears, weight gain.

It's good everyone has taken to Dawn, maybe as she gets older she will feel the love everyone has for her. And she will turn to these people if/when Hope tells her about her birth mother.

Others have feelings too.