Tuesday, April 26, 2016

I think I may have shocked Emma with all the changes in my life. She even went to far as to remark about the mature way I've handled the stress. Most of it has been good stress, but stress nevertheless. Not once have I had even a fleeting thought that I have made a mistake in coming out and living life as who I really am.

Naturally, we spent a good bit of time on my becoming sexually active. She gently warned me of the pitfalls and I gently inquired if I had to wait a full year for surgery.

She didn't say no, but she didn't say yes either. She had me schedule the next appointment in two weeks, though.
 

Friday, April 29, 2016

Crabby baby again, her second tooth is coming in. Bless Judy for her idea of the ice fish. It helps, but she still isn't happy.

Mommy isn't happy about the idea of another tooth to poke holes in her hard-earned breasts, either. I suppose I can get Alonzo to kiss it and make it better. He's quite good at that.
 

Saturday, April 30, 2016

Darcy tossed me out for the weekend, telling me to go be a Mommy to that cute little girl. Then she got this grin and ordered me to be a wife to that cute big man. She would take care of the Saturday business and get to spend the weekend alone with Rory and not have to worry about wandering around the house in her underwear. Or maybe without her underwear. Something about how much Rory likes to see her wandering around in her underwear was not so subtly communicated.

Someday I hoped I could do things like that for Alonzo, once the children were grown.

Now just where did those long-term plans come from?
 

Sunday, May 1, 2016

I started the day nervous, despite a satisfying night in bed with Alonzo. This morning was the overseas call to Chantal's mother. Just what do you say to the woman who married the guy you just spent the night canoodling with?

Canoodling? God, that just came out of nowhere, but I know it came from my grandmother. I always thought it was a silly word and laughed when she said it. Of course she didn't really tell me what it meant until I was much older.

So the four of us arranged ourselves in front of the computer and Alonzo typed in whatever he needed to get the video call working. Strange to think we could both talk and see someone halfway around the world. After a couple of minutes there she was. Dressed in a camo-type uniform, hair in a short Afro, and I have to say a pretty good looking woman, I heard her say "hello… hello…"

I think there must be some law that requires saying that when you're getting a video chat to work. Sort of like photographers are supposed to say 'watch the birdie!'

"Hi Mom."

"Hi, princess," came after a short delay. Takes those electrons some time to get back and forth, I guess.

"Hello Amahle. I want you to meet Hope and her daughter Dawn. She's the woman I told you about."

"Hello, Hope. I'm glad to meet you and Chantal's baby sister. I think she's fallen in love with little Dawn."

"Just as we've fallen in love with her. I hope we can become friends as well."

"You were right, Alonzo - this one's a keeper. Just because you and I didn't make it doesn't mean you won't find the right woman this time."

"You've got that right."

"Now wait a minute!" I squeaked.

"Now I've got two mommies." announced Chantal.

"Indeed you do, princess," came Amahle's answer. "You just be sure you take good care of her until I get back. And be nice to your sister."

"I will."

"Amahle, you'll always be Chantal's mother no matter what happens between Alonzo and me. You're part of her family no matter what."

"I appreciate that, really I do. So what have you been doing, princess?"

From that point on we let Chantal and Amahle carry on and we faded into the background.

"Two mommies?" I asked Alonzo

"Of course."

"Good. I wouldn't want Chantal to forget the woman who gave her birth."

Alonzo somehow knows just how to say the right thing at the right time, but I'm too embarrassed to say what he said. Just say he's a very sweet man.
 

Sunday, May 8, 2016

Command performance time today, Mom & Dad invited us to dinner. Meet the family time. I guess I'm getting serious enough about Alonzo to make that something that has to be done.

I needn't have worried, Alonzo is an expert at putting people at ease and he and my Dad got along famously. Watching Chantal and her baby sister - there is no doubt that Chantal considers Dawn to be her sister - provided long stretches of entertainment. Pushing Chantal in the swing-set in the back yard that I played on as a kid was quite a kick.

I still think Dad is bemused by his son who turned into a daughter who turned into a mother, but since I've supplied him with two new grandchildren to spoil I think I have been forgiven.
 

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Deep session with Emma today. Just where am I going, how am I coping? How is sex affecting my judgement? Am I prepared for the shit that being the mother of a bi-racial child might bring? Am I prepared to work with Chantal's mother so we all benefit? Is Alonzo prepared for the shit that marrying a transwoman might bring?

Emma made me face the fact that I'm considering marriage. I've kind of slid over that one in the wonder of this new relationship. Not that Alonzo has asked me, but what will I do if he does? Time ran out long before we had any answers, but then it always does. She sees me in two weeks. My life sure has gotten a lot more complicated.
 

Friday, May 20, 2016

Dawn's eight month birthday. Didn't make much of a celebration this time, Alonzo and I have pretty much settled into alternating weekends at each other's places. Learning to live with each other has gone remarkably smoothly. I suppose I had some practice when Darcy came to live with me, but it's not quite the same thing. I'm not interested in having Darcy in bed with me.

I'm starting to think that weekends together may not be enough. We need to talk.
 

Saturday, May 21, 2016

I now have a personal reference for the term 'orgasm.' It took some patience, but Alonzo has patience in abundance. The experience was quite a bit different from my teenage experiments. That's all you need to know and I'm not saying anything more about it.

Well, maybe a connected topic. I know that many transwomen profess to have hated their penis before their transition. I never really hated mine, it seemed more irrelevant than anything else. I was perfectly happy to wave goodbye to my balls, and have never regretted their absence. I'm finding myself looking toward my surgery much more eagerly these days. I want to be a complete woman for my wonderful lover.

Not that what we have is all that bad, but a girl has desires…
 

Sunday, May 22, 2016

I'm frustrated! Darcy was asleep when I finally made it back to the house. Since Rory's car was still in the driveway she may not have been asleep asleep, but her bedroom door was closed.

Alonzo proposed to me tonight! I know, we've hardly known each other for very long at all. I'm not fully a woman yet, we have children to think of, and probably a million other good reasons to make marriage a stupid thing to do.

I accepted.

I've got this sweet little diamond on the right finger of my left hand and I want to show it off!

Darcy is a spoilsport.
 

Monday, May 23, 2016

I waved my hand under Darcy's nose this morning. I took her a second, but her shriek of delight was all I could ask for.

I'm going to be a married lady!
 

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Emma got her answer to at least one of the questions from the last session. Yes, I would get married if he asked me.

Before I left the church some of my friends described pre cana to me as the Spanish Inquisition Catholics have to go through to get married. As a lapsed Catholic, I'm told there's no such thing as a former Catholic, they get their hooks into you so early they can't be removed.

I didn't have to jump over that hurdle, but Emma must have been channeling her Inner Catholic in response to my engagement. OK, I'm being over-dramatic, but she did ask some probing questions and I think I'm the better for finding answers.

Then she took me off-guard. Prefacing her remarks by saying she has never done this before, she told me that she no longer has any doubts that I am qualified for surgery and would be sending me the paperwork as soon as it could be processed.

I don't know how many shocks my system can handle in such a short time. The night Alonzo proposed I had very graphic dreams of him on our wedding night, treating me as the woman I was and fucking me silly.

No, I didn't tell that to Emma.

I think I spent some time babbling, the memory isn't all that clear of the few minutes after her surprise. What I do remember is her advising me that the surgeons in Bangkok were very competent and much more affordable than surgeons in the good 'ole USA.

I have some research to do!
 

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Last day of school for both Darcy and Chantal. Between the three of us adults we've decided we should be able to work things out so one of us is available for child care each day. Considering the major expense of my surgery coming up very soon, that savings will come in handy.

Poor Rory, he's the only one of us with a regular 9-5 type job. I think he's a little bit jealous of our flexibility, but then again, the financial stability of a regular job does have its appeal.

The Memorial Day weekend coming up ought to be fun for all of us, even though we are working on Memorial day itself. People will pay for pictures to remember their fun.
 

Friday, May 27, 2016

The doorbell rang and, as I was expecting Alonzo, I threw the door open.

"All right, girlfriend. Just when were you going to tell me all the good news? Some girlfriend you are!"

A frowning Ursula stood at the front door. A sheepish Eric was just behind her making 'it's not my fault gestures behind her back. She may no longer be a cop, but she sure hadn't forgotten how to intimidate a suspect.

"Is that any way to greet a friend, Auntie?" called Darcy from behind me. "She's been a little busy, you know."

"It's been three whole days since you saw the shrink, five days since you got that rock on your finger, and I had to find out from my niece?" And why aren't they over here with you so I can give them a piece of my mind, too?"

"Don't be so generous, Auntie, you haven't got that much to spare at your age."

"You can be replaced, smart mouth. I'll trade you in on Chantal or Dawn if you keep it up."

"Dawn's teething again. You're welcome to her, Ursula."

"Coward! A little blood in the milk gives them some extra nourishment."

"Then you take over. I'll call my endo so you can start on the hormones tomorrow to get your milk flowing."

"Hey Eric! You up to nuzzling a nursing woman again?"

"Leave me out of this! I'm merely a man along as the driver. You women can take care of such things all by yourselves."

"You women?"

"See! I'm only a man. I never can say the right thing. I'm going to play with the baby and you three can have at it. Hey Dawn, come to Uncle Eric and let these people grump at each other. Uncle Eric loves you, doesn't he?"

"See what I've had to put up with for forty-three years?" muttered Ursula.

"Remember, he has to put up with you, Auntie."

"You keep out of this, annoying child."

"I'm sorry, Ursula. Things have been so crazy that…"

"I'm not really mad, I'm excited, but you've messed up the birthday present Eric and I had for you. "

"Huh?"

"We were going to wait for your birthday in August since that's about a month before your RLT was supposed to be up, but you've gone and jumped the gun on us. You know that Eric does a whole lot of flying for his job, right?"

"Sure."

"Well, he has accumulated a whole lot of air miles and we'd like to gift them to you so you can fly to Thailand whenever you make your appointment."

I hate do do stereotypes. The whole woman bawling her eyes out at good news thing offends me on behalf or all the strong and wonderful women in this world.

I bawled my eyes out.

That's when Alonzo and Chantal showed up and wondered just what the heck was going on. I was too busy crying to speak, Ursula was too busy keeping me from collapsing to speak, so Darcy had to tell him what was happening.

Naturally Chantal had no idea what was going on and just saw her new Mommy crying so she grabbed me by the legs in a big hug and told me she loved me.

Which started me crying all the harder.

Dawn, not one to be left out of the fun, joined in the cryfest and Alonzo was soon soothing her while watching helplessly as I tried to get myself under control.

Ain't love grand?
 

Saturday, May 28, 2016

Alonzo and I spent a good part of the day on the computer while Darcy watched the kids. What were we doing? Looking at page after page of places to get gender reassignment surgery in various odd places around the world. Would you believe there's almost a competition among hospitals and surgeons for those of us who need reassignment surgery. Hell, there are even medical vacation packages available: see the sights before you get sliced and diced. Not your typical all-expenses-paid holiday, for sure.

I've been saving for this for as long as I can remember, and the increase in business since I partnered with Darcy has helped quite a lot. With a small loan I will be able to finally make my body right.

Who says dreams don't come true? I was sitting next to my dream-come-true for much of the day and he's relaxing in our bed while I scribble my thoughts down. OK, I'm not using a pencil, I'm a modern gal with a computer so I'm typing, but you know what I mean.

The people who Emma recommended look to be pretty good. A little more expensive than some of the things I saw, but I want someone who knows what he's (or maybe she's ) doing when my very own tender body gets worked on. There's a lot to look at before I make a decision.
 

We took a break in the evening to go to the poker game. Alonzo got razzed about winning last time, but I told them I was the winner because I got Alonzo.

They razzed me, too.

I took them for $3.47. So there!
 

Sunday, May 29, 2016

Alonzo and I took some time to go over our equipment and make our plans for tomorrow. We're going to do our first photo shoot together as a team. One of the local veteran's groups has a big Memorial Day picnic on Monday, so we're both going to document it. The entire family is invited and we will get fed as well as getting paid. Can't beat that. Darcy is going to shoot video as part of her classwork while Alonzo and I do the stills. We even have a simple camera for Chantal so she can join us in our work. Can't start them too young.

Well, maybe you can - I don't think Dawn could hold a camera still yet. Gum it to death and slobber all over it - no problem. The weather report is favorable - I hope the weatherman knows what he's talking about.

Chantal and I went shopping together in the afternoon while Alonzo watched the baby. I had one of those brilliant ideas that you just have to go with, so Chantal and I found matching dresses to wear to the picnic tomorrow. I love being able to wear a sundress without having to worry about my falsies showing, these days my breasts are all mine. I think I've settled on a nicely full C cup. When I wean Dawn I should still be very nicely endowed. Alonzo has no complaints, and neither do I.

We found dresses in a cobalt blue that complemented both our skin tones quite nicely. The sales lady was very helpful in finding us mother and daughter matches, not easy to do for the two of us. She didn't blink an eye when I asked for a dress for my daughter and even had a lollipop somewhere in her stash for Chantal. I can hardly wait until Dawn is old enough so all three of us can go shopping together.
 

Monday, May 30, 2016

Who needs a gym membership to get your exercise when you have a baby? Pumping iron is passe, pumping baby is the new thing. The little chunk just topped twenty pounds. That doesn't sound like much until you have to carry it around on your back while toting ten pounds of diaper bag and almost as much weight in camera gear.

We grow strong women around here.

I really enjoyed helping Chantal choose what she wanted to take pictures of. She's certainly picked up things from her Dad, but this is the first time she's gone on a job with him as part of the crew. It's also the first job for our little family.

It seems everywhere I go since meeting Alonzo I'm confronted with masses of delectable food. I forget how many hundred pounds I'm going to gain, but that picnic must have increased the target tenfold. The little old ladies made just about all the old standbys, the younger ladies - not necessary wives in the modern military - made anything they forgot, including some specialties brought back from the odd places around the world where our military is stationed. I had to give a passing thought to Alonzo's ex, serving somewhere in the Middle East, hoping she was able to celebrate in whatever way was possible over there.

I firmly hope we can be friends, and share the joy of raising her daughter. Beautiful, bright children like Chantal are a treasure to be shared with all humanity. No room for exclusion here.
 

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Spent the day together editing and working on the picnic shots. Blessed Darcy made dinner so we could get everything done and ready to deliver.

As we relaxed at the table after eating, none of us really eager to clean up and wash dishes, Alonzo looked at me.

"Why the serious face?"

"Well, I've been putting something off and I can't really put it off any longer."

"Sounds ominous."

"You could say that. I've met your parents, but you have yet to meet mine."

"That's ominous?"

"You haven't met my parents."

"Oh. Ogres in the family? Skeletons in the closet? Fundamentalists in the fundament?"

"That's a kick-ass way to put it."

"Daddy!"

"Oops, small ears listening. Sorry, princess, you're right. I shouldn't say things like that."

"You always tell me I need to be nice to Grandmother and Grandfather Knight."

"And so you should, princess. Maybe you could take Dawn with you to the playroom and keep her company while Mom and I talk"

"OK Daddy. C'mon Dawn."

I still get a heart flutter watching Chantal holding her sister's hands up so she can walk with her. My little girl is almost ready to walk.

"Note the formal phrasing she used, my parents are formal people."

"So how did you escape?"

"Barely. Bad companions in college, like that black girl I married. That didn't go over well."

"I see. Then I suppose transwomen are not on their list of proper people."

"Got it in one. I think we will keep that factoid to ourselves. None of their business."

"We can try, but the cat might come crawling out of the bag at our wedding. Too many people know who and what I am, I've never tried to hide it."

"And I don't want you to. Let's just keep it to ourselves until we've said 'I do.' Mother's going to be right in there trying to run the wedding, let's not give her any more ammunition."

"We could hire Darcy to do the film. Call it Clash of the Titans. She has yet to reckon with my mother. In any case, I intend for us to run the wedding and no one else."

"I think the best plan is to invite them to dinner. We could use the home team advantage. Show them what a good cook my sweet little helpmate is. That's important to a happy marriage, you know."

"Blech! I'm going to lose that wonderful dinner if you keep that up, buster."

"We need to set a date, so we need a calendar."

"Speaking of setting dates…"

"Yeah, we have another important one. We don't have as much time as I thought before you fly off to Thailand or wherever. I want us safely hitched before that happens."

"You're kidding!"

"Nope. On the practical side, family health insurance will be pretty handy and more affordable - if you can call any health insurance affordable. On the romantic side I want it to be my wife who flies halfway around the world. I wouldn't want you to meet some rich doctor and not come home."

"You're insane! Darcy! Tell this idiot he's insane."

"I think he's romantic."

"But that leaves us maybe six weeks to plan a wedding and my surgery. I need to be recovered before you go back to school in the fall."

"I'll just call my mother and she can have it done by next Saturday. She's good at things like that."

"Oh joy! Another mother who wants to plan my wedding!"

"Mother power - nothing like it if you need to get things done."

How do I get into these things?
 

Realizing that it was still normal business hours in Bangkok at this very moment, I ceased procrastinating and dialed the international jumble of numbers for the hospital that was first on Emma's list. I was relieved when someone answered speaking English. I guess they have a lot of English-speaking patients over there.

I was soon scribbling notes and getting details about just what I had to do and what they required both for the medical and financial end of things. After more than an hour I added a list of available dates and hung up.

I'll purely hate to see my cell phone bill next month.

I really like the transition stories where a fairy grandmother waves her magic wand and poof you're a girl! Seems like a much more reasonable way to handle the whole thing.
 

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Alonzo was off taking pictures of somebody's mansion, Darcy and I were taking pictures of a whole passel of kids from a rich kid's Summer Camp, with Dawn and Chantal along for the ride. The boys postured, the girls cooed over the baby and we did our best to capture something some rich parent would pay big bucks for.

Cynical? Me?

You jest!

During the breaks between groups I called Emma's office to arrange for the paperwork to be sent to the hospital, called the airlines to find out just how much it costs to go to Bangkok, and called the Bank of Mom and Dad to float a loan. I was a few thousand short of what the hospital had quoted. Much less than I had feared and way less when you took out the cost of the trip.

Maybe this will work out after all.

As if I didn't have enough on my plate, Mom told that the adoption should be final in the next two weeks. I had completely forgotten about the adoption in the chaos that had become my life.

Apparently all I have to do is come before the judge, sign some papers and Dawn is officially mine. I have to remember to invite Mary to the proceedings, she deserves to be there. She needs to meet Dawn's new father, too.

Oh yeah, one final home inspection from Social Services.

Just great!
 

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Darcy's mother Janet came over and we tried to rough out some plans for the wedding. My ideas were small, simple, intimate and Alonzo agreed. My mother hadn't yet put in her two cents and I had yet to meet Alonzo's parents. We figured if we had the plans set before we talked to the older generation we might have some hope of getting our way.

One problem was who would perform the ceremony. Of course Alonzo's parents would want it in their church with their pastor. My parents would like it in their church with their priest. I was not too keen on having it in any church. We needed some neutral party - a judge or something.

To our surprise, Janet offered to do the deed, she was a legally ordained minister in the AMM church and had performed seven ceremonies over the years.

AMM, I asked? She laughed. One of those oddball but legal denominations. Their entire theology consists of 'anyone who wants to get married should be able to get married.'

Not bad as theologies go. We took her up on it in a flash. Is there anything that Darcy's family can't do? I can't believe how lucky I was to meet Ursula when Dawn came into my life.

In the middle of this, Darcy came into show us her first take on the wedding invitations. Once again our resident computer genius came through without even being asked.

None of this 'Mr & Mrs Whoosits ask the pleasure of your company at the wedding of their daughter Whatsis to Mr Whoever.' It was 'Alonzo and Hope invite you to hear us say I do!' with a wonderful washed out picture of us with the children behind the text. The font was elegant, the feeling informal and celebratory. We could hardly ask for more.

Cue the beaming smiles on Darcy's mother and aunt.

Now, where to have the festivities? Remember the restaurant where my milk first came in while I was taking pictures? They loved my work and told me to call if I ever needed a place for a fancy party. I'm going to take them up on that if their function room is available.

Which brought us back to the date. Several of the surgery dates were at the end of July, so we decided on July 16 for the wedding, giving us a comfortable margin afterwards.

Taking the bull by the horns, I picked up my phone and Alonzo picked up his, ready to shock our respective parents.

This was going to be fun.
 

For my part, it was one of the few times in my life I heard my mother the lawyer lose control. She started screaming "Dominic! Get down here! Our daughter's getting married!"

"Mom, he already knows I'm getting married. I got engaged, didn't I?"

"But now we know when! We have to get a dress. And Flowers. And call Father Henry. And get…"

"Slow down, Mom. All you have to do is get to the place and cry happy tears when I walk down the aisle with Dad. You do have some waterproof makeup, I suppose."

"Why you ungrateful child," she laughed. "Here I get the chance to marry off the daughter I never thought I would have and you have the nerve to want to do all the planning! I don't care if you can nurse that little angel, there's still too much man left in you."

"That's being taken care of just after the ceremony."

Cool! Not only did I get her excited, I got her speechless. All in one phone call. Of course I couldn't just impart the basic information and sign off, we talked about all the things that needed to be done. As she was starting to wind down, Alonzo came back with a rueful grin and making the universal sign for 'crazy' with his finger describing circles about his temple. I guessed his call had not gone as well as mine.

"Listen Mom, I've got to go. Alonzo needs me."

"I should certainly hope he does if he's crazy enough to marry you."

"He has to be crazy to fit in with this zoo I'm running."

"Please don't tell me you've acquired a Bengal tiger or a gorilla now. There are limits to my tolerance."

"Now wouldn't it be dramatic if I walked down the aisle with a pretty orange tiger? No, that won't work. Nobody would notice me."

"Unless the tiger decided to eat you. Go child, my heart can't take any more of this conversation."
 

"So how fares the prodigal son?"

"I haven't been condemned to hell, but since you started out a Catholic, purgatory is a distinct possibility. Not that my god-fearing parents believe in such Papist nonsense as purgatory."

"That well, huh?"

"I hope you don't mind that I portrayed you as an agnostic. I try not to wave the red flag of the Papacy in front of Dad even if you've removed yourself from the scene. Some things would be too hard to swallow in one gulp along with their son suddenly getting married somewhere besides in their church. I'm not sure they will consider the ceremony legal unless Jesus Himself comes by to take part."

"I'm not the only cynic in this zoo. I wonder what your mother will think of the tiger I'm going to have walk down the aisle with me?"

"What!?"

"Bad joke. Mother was worried we would add something outrageous to the zoo we currently curate. I thought a tiger would be dramatic."

"Chantal would probably want to take it home with her."

"Do you have a source for Tiger Chow?

"I do."

"I do… Hmmm - I kind of like those words."

"So do I."

"Silly. So when do I get to meet your parents?"

"Tomorrow for dinner.

"You bastard!"

"Now love, we have to do it sometime. Think of it this way, that means less time for you to worry."

"Less time hell! I'm booked all day until five tomorrow. When will I have time to cook?"

"The crock pot?'

"Somebody's got the crock part right."

"Relax, I cleared it with Darcy. Chantal is with me tomorrow and Darcy will take care of Dawn and finish the food. That's why we have a big family, right?"

"Just for that I'm going to call Darcy your co-wife when your parents are listening."

"I don't think that's what most of those stories you read mean when they talk about a two bride ceremony."

"Are you impugning my taste in reading?"

"Heaven forbid! You ought to write our story, I bet it would be a best seller."

"You do realize that the authors give their stories away because there just aren't enough trans people out there to support a paying market. They can write about living the life but not making a living."

"Mea culpa!"

"Hey - I'm the lapsed Catholic here."

"See! Just one more way I demonstrate my infinite tolerance and flexibility."

"Just be glad I will soon have a use for your balls attached where they currently reside before you have any more bright ideas. Tomorrow, he says!"

So now you know just why I decided to turn my journal into a story.