Part 14 of 29

Saturday, August 10, 2013
The three weeks are up! Well, close enough. This morning I took my starter earrings out of my ears (that turned out to need a pair of pliers, the things seemed to be welded together) and wore a new pair. I had gotten a special pair for the occasion, with a rainbow of small stones dangling from fine silver chains. Outrageous Earrings, Mary Ann calls them. I suppose they are, but I really like them. It's fantastic to feel the little jewels on my neck and I just love seeing them in the mirror. On me!

To celebrate we went walking in the park, just the two of us. There's something very special about walking on a fine summer day when you're wearing a skirt. Just walking is a joy, something I have come to appreciate. I love the feeling of a skirt on my legs, the weight of my breasts as I walk.

The only thing I could wish for is not to have to wear a wig, it gets hot and clammy. My real hair is getting a little longer but when you start with a brush cut it takes a long time to grow out. Not that it will grow much farther, in another few weeks I'll have to cut it off and no longer live as Angel the Girl. I don't want to think about that.

Anyway, today was just about perfect. One of the nice things about living in the Big City is that two girls can walk hand in hand and nobody seems to care, so that's what Mary Ann and I were doing. We passed a playground and sat down on a bench to watch the kids. They were having fun, screaming and swinging and just running around. It was a great way to spend time, watching those kids.

After a little while a ball came bouncing toward us and a little girl, her dark hair strung with white beads that clacked and clattered as she ran, followed it. I picked the ball up and tossed it to her and she gave me a smile that made the sun seem suddenly dim and wan.

"Thanks, lady" she said and then was off and running.

"Do you think our children will be as cute as that one?" asked Mary Ann.

"Of course they will." I answered without thinking. I knew I wanted to have children with Mary Ann.

"Then will you marry me, Angel?"

"Wait a minute, the guy is supposed to ask that question!"

"You see any guys sitting next to me? Just us women on this bench. You didn't answer the question."

"Yes, I'll marry you! I love you so much I can't find a way to say it."

Even in the big city two women kissing passionately on a playground bench attracts attention, but we really didn't care!
 

I wrote about our beautiful morning very carefully, because I want to be able to remember that special time whenever I go back and read this journal and capture how wonderful it was. It won't be too easy to recapture that wonderful feeling because when we turned the corner to Grandpa's place, still walking with our hands tightly clasped, I saw my folk's car in the driveway.

It took a second to realize what it was, and I distinctly remember the jerk on my arm as I stopped dead and Mary Ann kept walking. Mom was leaning over the trunk, my sister Deborah was running around the lawn and Dad was just turning from the front door. Even at this distance I could see he was upset. What were they doing here? I instinctively turned and tried to run but as I did I heard my mother's voice call "Mary Ann! There you are!"

I think I know how the Trump of Doom will sound when the End Times arrive. It's going to sound a lot like my mother's voice.

I was in a complete state of shock, all my poise and composure had fled. The euphoria of our engagement vanished. I felt Mary Ann's arm go around me and hold me steady.

"Angel, you can do this. You are strong and loving and beautiful and I love you. This is who you truly are right now and I want you to be proud of who you are. We can meet your family together and they are just going to have to accept you for who you really are."

I couldn't say anything. All I could do is stare at my family and shake. I was very thankful for Mary Ann's arm around me, I needed that. Her words slowly penetrated and I felt like some great machine coming back to life as a giant flywheel started to spin, faster and faster, until at last there was enough power to run it.

My folks still hadn't recognized me (no real surprise) and Mom and the Deborah were running down the sidewalk to greet Mary Ann. They had a head start on Dad, so he just came down the steps and waited for the advance party to return.

Mom came up and hugged Mary Ann. Then the inevitable happened.

"Where's Angel? I told him we were coming to visit when I called. He didn't forget, did he?"

One can only take so many shocks. She told me they were coming? Then I remembered the phone call, the one where Mary Ann was doing her best to distract me while I talked to my mother. She damn well succeeded, I just hadn't gotten the message that they were coming. Too late now.

I couldn't believe Mom hadn't figured out who I was. There was a tiny part of me that was pleased I was so feminine that my own mother didn't recognize me, but most of the rest of my brain was feeling pure and unadulterated guilt!

It was at that moment Mary Ann again took my hand and I felt her strength flowing into me. Miraculously my courage returned, and I felt a glow of peace that this woman loved me so much that she accepted me as I was and was ready to stand with me when the whole world fell apart. The words of the marriage vow fleeted through my mind and I knew that together we had the strength to endure this trial and be the better for it.

Maybe that's how Dad feels when he thinks God has spoken to him directly. I have never felt it before.

"I'm afraid I did forget about it, Mom"

Words fail me to describe her look. I will have it in my mind for the rest of my life, right along with the adoring look on Mary Ann's face when I said 'yes' to her just minutes before.

Mom didn't say anything, her jaw was working but nothing came out. Time seemed to slow, a tear appeared on her left eye, then another on the other side as she stared at me. She raised her hands and put them on my shoulders but still didn't say a word.

In that awkward silence I heard my little sister's voice pipe up. "Gee, you look cute Angel, but Dad's going to get awful righteous about you."

I gave her a hug. "I think you may be right. Just remember I love you, some things don't change." I looked up and continued "I love you too, Mom. I'm sorry you had to find out about me so suddenly, I was stupid not to have listened when you told me you were coming."

"But why?"

I didn't have time to answer because Dad had gotten impatient and started over, wondering just what was going on. He wasn't close enough to have heard me talking because I was speaking very quietly. He suddenly stopped dead. I had no doubt that he knew who I was; even if I don't buy his view of the world my Dad is a very intelligent man. I braced myself for the onslaught I knew was coming and held on all the tighter to Mary Ann's hand.

His face slowly became purple, he always turned that color when he was really into preaching vigorously, but still he said nothing. Then, very quietly, he said. "Maria, we're going home. There's no one here we want to visit anymore."

That was it. That's all he said. He just turned and got in the car. Mom was plainly torn, she didn't want to leave but her husband had clearly ordered her to do so. Dad is pretty strong on the wifely obedience - one of the things I have never agreed with him on.

"Go with him, Mom. We can talk when Dad cools down. Deborah, help your mother."

Thinking back I must have sounded like dad coping with an emergency, issuing orders to everyone else. Whatever it sounded like, it worked.

It probably wouldn't help Dad's disposition, but I kissed Mom and Deborah, then watched them walk back to the car. Dad pulled out of the driveway far faster than was his habit and was gone as he turned the far corner of the block. We walked the short distance to the house and went inside.

That's when I broke down. I'm glad that Angel the Girl can cry, because I really needed to. Mary Ann held me until I cried myself out. That's about all I can put down now.

It still hurts.
 

Sunday, August 11
It's 6:00 in the morning and I can't sleep. Big surprise. I tried calling home last night but only got the voice mail. I felt foolish leaving a message but I had to do it. No one's called back.

Emotional roller coaster. I never really appreciated that phrase until today. Can an angry young man dress up as a woman as a form of defiance? The very first thing I did when I got out of bed was put on my bra and put the forms in it. Before Mary Ann was awake, before I had any coffee, before I even peed I told the world that Angel the Woman is here to stay.

Woman. Not girl. Woman. Adult. All night I had dreamed of a scene from one of Heinlein's novels where the son defies his father, and the father's response is this: you've defied me and made it stick - you're in charge of your life from now on, not me.

I had challenged Dad and his view of the world. I hadn't intended to do it but the challenge was inevitable from the moment I put on a bra for the first time. From the moment I started living as a girl. Now I was going to live as a woman, making my own decisions and taking the consequences. Just me and Mary Ann.
 

(Sunday Evening)
The roller coaster is still running, but it stopped long enough to let Audrey on for a little while. The Grandpa Network must be very effective because just after lunch Audrey came over to the house. I don't believe for a minute that it was just a social call but I'm glad I could talk to her.

Just me and her this time, Mary Ann insisted. Audrey is a very calming person to talk to, I ranted and raved and moaned and cried and let my emotions take over completely. Well, that's what the stereotype says about women, so why not use it? Cynical, aren't I?

But I did let out the hard stuff and then Audrey was able to calmly help me see what was going on and gently point me in the right direction to live with my dual selves. She helped me define what I wanted to be as a woman and what I wanted to be as a man, then helped me see that there is a great deal of overlap between he two.

Do I really want to live my life as a woman? Audrey tells me it's too soon to make a permanent decision about that. Most of her patients have been struggling with their gender for a long time but I've just started. She told me I clearly fall under the diagnosis "Gender Dysphoria" but she wasn't ready to go any farther at this time.

I guess I'm not either.

When Audrey left, Mary Ann and Eve and Grandpa stayed close to me and tried to make me feel better. Not anything blatant, but they were just there for me if I needed them. And I do need them. A lot.

Still no answer on my folk's phone, just "leave a message at the beep." I already did that.
 

Monday, August 12
A normal day, nothing special happened, which is a victory in itself. I even managed to forget about Dad for minutes at a time while I was working. I borrowed Jenny's cell phone and called home, hoping Mom would answer but still got the damned answering machine.

It was a good thing I had a visit to Audrey scheduled already. She is a very understanding person and helped me try to cope with disaster. She also sent me to get some blood drawn just to see what my hormone levels were. At least getting stuck and watching my own blood go down that little tube and into a vial took my mind off my misery.

One Day At A Time. It's harder than it sounds.
 

Tuesday, August 13
Chuck was awfully sweet today. He had noticed how distracted I was and took me aside to ask if he could help. I couldn't tell him the truth but I did say I was having trouble with my Dad and he seemed to understand. I guess you don't have to wonder if you're a girl to have family problems. Anyway, we just talked for a little while and he tried to make me feel better.

What I realize now, after thinking about it, is that I reacted to him as if I were a real woman. It was completely natural. There were no overtones of sex at all, just a friend comforting a friend. It made no difference we were supposed to be opposite sexes.

So now I feel good that I have a friend who isn't scheming to get me into bed. And I feel good that I feel so comfortable being a woman around Chuck. It's only when I stop to think about it that I realize how natural it has become to react like a woman.

It's nice to have friends who care.
 

Wednesday, August 14
There was a fat envelope from Dad waiting for me when I got home. I sat at the kitchen table and opened it, hoping it would be some sort of invitation to talk, but was disappointed. There was a note and two envelopes. The note read

You have betrayed your family and your God. May the Lord in His mercy forgive you, I can not. My son is dead and I will not mourn him.

I just broke down and cried. Mary Ann hugged me as I wept and pretty soon I felt another hand on my back as Grandpa joined us. Eventually I stopped crying and Grandpa looked at the papers on the table.

"May I?"

"Of course." I replied.

So he looked at the first envelope and found my college application papers, FAFSA and loan application, all neatly torn in half.

"It looks like you and my granddaughter aren't going to have to conduct a long distance romance after all. Can't say I'm sorry, I would have missed you when you had to leave. It's too bad it had to happen this way, but you have a home here with Eve and me for as long as you want to stay."

So I started crying again. I never understood happy tears before today.

When I stopped crying again I opened the second envelope. In it were my birth certificate and a cashier's check. A big one. My grandparents (Mom's folks) had set up educational trust funds for me and my sister and this was the result.

"Well child," Grandpa commented, "Money doesn't cure the pain but at least you have a running start for college. We'll have to move pretty quickly but I suppose we still have time to get you into the community college since you have all the financial forms taken care of. Your dad tore up your copies, but the originals are still filed in a government warren someplace at an undisclosed location. He can't change that.

"If you want my advice, put this check into the bank leave most of it for emergencies. Since you're living with us you don't have to worry about room and board and your scholarship and loan money should cover your books and tuition. You should have no trouble paying that off when you graduate. As long as you're careful, that college fund should let you buy the little things any student needs, as long as you stay out of the bars. "

It was all too much, I couldn't find any words but I didn't need any.

One Day At A Time. Some days are better than others.