Embarrassing things happen in this life. Sometimes other people embarrass you, sometimes you embarrass yourself. Most of those times you sigh and feel glad that no one is watching - or worse yet - filming.

That was before the age of the cell phone, where every stupid thing you do ends up on You-tube before you can even get home to hide under the pillows in your bedroom. What's particularly bad - I mean utterly without redeeming value - is when you film yourself getting embarrassed.

I need to step back a bit before I go on. I live in the City of Austin in the Great State Of Texas. I know, say 'Texas' and you think of rednecks and cowboy hats and rodeos, and idiotic politics, but that's not Austin. If you are old enough to remember the Cold War, you can think of Austin as the Berlin of Texas - a small liberal blue dot in a sea of redneck red. Putting a Trump-Pence sign in your yard might get you picketed by the Homeowner's Association and probably garner invitations for psychiatric counseling at the neighborhood free clinic.

Persist in your aberration and you may end up joining the bums in a tent under the I35 overpass and hanging out on the street corners with a sign saying 'Anything Helps - God Bless.' Why is it all the street-corner beggars have to invoke God? I never could figure that one out.

OK, I may be exaggerating a little bit, but Austin is not your usual Texas city. Its motto is Keep Austin Weird and we Austinites take it seriously. Seriously enough that a crossdresser can almost feel safe in public.

That's me - I'm the crossdresser in question, at least in the confines of my own place, but never enough nerve to go outside my door in Vickie mode. I've been at it a long time, like fifty years, and I flatter myself that I have created a reasonable facsimile of a woman, at least in the mirror.

Trouble is, I've spent my life in corporate America, wearing a suit-and-tie and trying to project the image of the man-in-charge as I offer other people advice on how to be effective in their trade in return for their money. Lots of their money, it turns out.

I know first hand that the image is essential if people are going to pay me to tell them how to dress, behave and succeed in their profession. I've had to carefully cultivate an image of accessible power. I even have a store of Texas sayings to lighten things up a bit - they contrast nicely with the formal attire. Even when I'm trying to tell someone how to be casual but effective people will listen more carefully if I'm wearing that damned suit.

Then I go home and take the damned suit off, snap a bra around my chest, fill it with silicone enhancers, then slip into panties and pantyhose before going through my closet for the right dress to suit my mood. My hair, carefully crafted by Charlotte down at the unisex salon is long enough to look feminine and short enough to be fashionably daring when I wear the damned suit. My beard had long ago succumbed to electrolysis, my fingernails are short but carefully shaped and my legs hairless, not that you could tell under the suit.

When video cameras first became available I set one up and used it to film myself doing normal, ordinary things around the house, then watched to help eliminate any bad habits while I was dressed as Vickie. It was a lonely life - successful by the world's standards, but lonely! I think I had been successful in becoming the woman who I wanted to be. Sadly, that woman never left the house.

Underdressing and androgynous clothing is as far as I was willing to go outside the house. So one fine summer's day I donned my AA cup bra, panties, jean shorts, sandals, a very loose, white, nondescript top and a fanny pack instead of a purse. Neither fish nor fowl, if you get my meaning. Oh yeah, I'm old enough to remember the Cold War, which means I've been retired for a year and have my days free to to as I want. Which is a lie, I wanted Vickie to leave the house but just couldn't do it.

I was sitting on a stone bench in the Zilker Botanical Gardens, watching the coy swimming around and playing with my new toy. A while back I had a senior moment and left my camera tripod behind me somewhere. Please don't ask me where, if I knew that I would have gone back and gotten it. I did the next best thing and ordered a new tripod, and when it came it had a neat little doohickey to put your cell phone in so you could attach it to the tripod. Not only that, there was a little button that connected to your cell phone via Bluetooth so you could take pictures remotely.

I just had to try it out - like I said, I'm a technology junkie - so I set up my cell phone pointing at the Coy Pond in the Japanese Garden, sat on the bench with the little button in one hand and an e-book in the other, and proceeded to wait for something interesting to happen.

As it was a weekend, it didn't take long. A teenage couple came by and started hopping between the rocks in the pond, so I started the movie function and filmed the cute girl flirting with her boyfriend, who was trying to impress her by being macho.

A while later some kids came by and watched all the coy gather hoping for some food, but the poor coy were disappointed. Next a five-year-old hopping on the stones, then a couple of twin boys daring each other to jump in, then a gaggle of Asian tourists. Sitting still on my bench I don't think any of them realized I was taking their picture with my little magic button.

Things were just rosy for most of the morning as I enjoyed watching the people in the shade of the trees. Not exactly cool, however. As the old boys say down here, it's hot as a billy goat in a pepper patch. In midsummer temperatures of 100°+are the norm, but with the trees and the water it was tolerable.

I spied a family group heading along the path, Grandmother, mother, child in a shocking pink tutu skipping along, another child in a stroller and the biggest Saint Bernard I had ever seen. Zilker is dog-friendly, but mostly you see small dogs; Chihuahuas, toy poodles, that kind of thing. Sometimes even a lab or a golden, but a Saint Bernard? Don't they run around in the Alps with brandy kegs? What the devil was this big lunk doing in the heat of an Austin summer? It had to be roasting in that heavy coat.

As they neared I pushed the button and started filming, so I can exactly describe just what happened next. If I were to try to rely on my own personal memory I would have been hopelessly confused, but the camera doesn't lie.

Skipping child in tutu spies the brightly colored coy massed at the end of the pond and starts running. Saint Bernard notices running child and takes off after her, snapping the Grandmother's hold on the leash. Mother tries to speed up, but the uneven stonework of the path is too much for the baby carriage, so mother and child block Grandmother and they can't catch child in tutu.

Child in tutu arrives at end of pond and kneels down to 'pet the fishie,' declaiming her intent loudly for all to hear. Child in tutu actually manages to touch the fishie and is surprised by the slimy feel, thus child in tutu falls into the water.

At this point, an out-of-focus figure in jean shorts and white top appears and heads for the pond, reaching for child in tutu. In the background, the Grandmother, mother and child in stroller are sorting themselves out while the Saint Bernard is rapidly approaching.

Child in tutu starts to panic so jean shorts and white top figures what the hell, these sandals will dry and enters the coy pond, which is maybe eighteen inches deep. Child in tutu grabs on to jean shorts and white top for dear life and Saint Bernard decides to join the fun, leaping into the coy pond. With the unerring directional sense of an Alpine rescue dog, Saint Bernard barrels into jeans shorts and white top just as he stabilizes child in tutu and they all get a thorough dunking.

By this time, the coy in the coy pond are long gone, rightly assuming that whatever it was that fell into their pond was not food. Considerable splashing ensues as jean shorts once again rescues child in tutu while Saint Bernard doggy paddles about gaily. Jean shorts places child in tutu on the brink of the pond just as Grandmother and Mother arrive with a highly bemused look on their faces, trying hard not to laugh at the plight of this stranger and the child in the tutu.

Mother offers jean shorts and white top a hand and jean shorts and white top exits water, his lacy lavender bra clearly visible through the sodden fabric of his blouse.

Before anything much can be said, Saint Bernard exits coy pond and vigorously shakes off the water, soaking Mother before she can comment on jean shorts and lavender bra's attire.

Things might have ended there except for the duck. As the various characters in our drama start to introduce themselves a duck glides in and lands in the coy pond. A mallard duck, if you're curious, and it nestles its feathers together and starts to swim.

Naturally, this excites the curiosity of the Saint Bernard, who found some inner hunting instinct more properly belonging to a golden retriever, so Saint Bernard once again dives into the pond to retrieve the duck.

This was complicated by the leash that was now securely wrapped around the Grandmother's wrist, so she naturally follows the dog into the pond. It was perhaps fortunate that Grandmother had released her hold on the baby carriage before the hunting instinct overcame the Saint Bernard so the child in the carriage remained dry. Externally, that is - no guarantees about the diaper as I didn't have time to check that out.

The duck quickly finds a reason to be elsewhere, leaving the disappointed Saint Bernard and the now dripping Grandmother standing among the lily pads. Hands on hips, the waterlogged woman glares at the Saint Bernard and says emphatically "Raleigh! How could you?!"

Child in tutu finds this exquisitely funny and begins to laugh in her high voice, which quickly spreads to Mother and Lavender Bra. Raleigh decides that he's had enough swimming and scrambles out of the now coyless pond, dragging Grandmother along as she still has the leash around her wrist. Lavender Bra captures the Saint Bernard before Grandmother ends up with brush-burns on top of soggy clothes and offers a hand to Grandmother, who accepts and exits the pond.

Grandmother and Lavender Bra stand clinging to each other, and Lavender Bra notices that Grandmother's eyes are directly in front of his. Grandmother apparently notices the same thing and gets a funny look, almost like she was going to kiss Lavender Bra. Lavender Bra notices and freezes a moment. The tableau breaks and reality comes tiptoeing back in, but something interesting seems to have happened.

On the soundtrack you can hear some laughter in the background as this entire farce had not gone unnoticed by others enjoying the day in the Japanese garden. Without further ado, Saint Bernard again shakes the water from his coat, drenching anyone within twenty feet.

All pretense of order has fled by this time, as the only one who is not thoroughly waterlogged is the child in the stroller, whose sun shade protected the tyke from flying freshwater.

At this point, child with tutu flings her arms in a deathgrip around Mother and tells the world how much she loves her mommy. Grandmother smiles and looks at Lavender Bra and says "After that introduction, I think I just may have to marry you, we've become so close."

"If you have a stock of nice, fluffy towels in your linen closet I just might accept."

"If I don't we could ask for them as wedding presents. You aren't taken already, are you?"

"I got taken to the cleaners once years ago and then got tossed back like… like a coy in a pond, I suppose."

"I see you at least kept your lingerie. You have very nice taste in bras. I wouldn't mind one like that for myself. It's almost the same color as Kristie's tutu, If I got one we could put on a ballet together. Where did you find it?"

That's when I realized that my bra was showing. Seriously, I had no idea in all the confusion until Grandmother mentioned it.

"Oh shit!"

"Don't worry. I suspect you can see mine, too, but it isn't as pretty. You don't do ballet, do you?"

"Uh, no…"

"Too bad. We could always do a chorus line - my daughter is too conservative to do anything like that so I need a partner in crime to make sure Kristie grows up right. We all have to do our part to keep Austin weird. Besides, anyone who rescues both me and my granddaughter is fine in my book."

"Damn good thing you aren't using an e-book or you'd be out of luck right now."

"I wouldn't think a paperback would have fared too well, either. I am into e-books these days since I have an apartment that won't hold too much extra stuff. I sold most everything when I came down here to be with my daughter and her family."

"I guess this is a memorable way to welcome you to the weirdness that is Austin. I'm Vic, by the way."

"I'm Gloria and that's my daughter Lola and her daughter Kristie. The one in the stroller is Shawna."

"Under the circumstances, 'pleased to meet you' seems a little out of place."

"Why not? I almost feel like we've wandered into a Candid Camera setup, but that show went off the air ages ago."

"Oh no!"

"Now what?"

"You did wander into my own personal version of Candid Camera. I've been filming the entire thing!"

"No way!"

"That's why I'm here, to take pictures of people with my new remote control toy for my phone. I started it when you got about halfway down the pond with the family."

"This I've got to see! Lola! Vickie here tells me she's filmed the entire thing!"

Vickie?

"Nooooooo…" came Mother's reply.

"I'm afraid so. See that cell phone on the tripod over there? I was taking pictures of people watching the coy."

"Promise me that you'll never let Jerry see it!"

"Jerry?" I asked.

"My husband. I'd never live it down."

"I suppose…"

"That doesn't apply to me!" enthused Gloria. Hey Vickie, want to come over for supper and watch videos?"

"Mother! You wouldn't!"

"Of course I would. You like Thai food, Vickie?"

"Uh, sure… I eat at the Thai place a block from my house a couple of times a week."

"See! It's fate."

"I really need to go home and get out of these clothes."

"Not a bad idea. I have a change of clothes in the car - essential supplies when you have a baby that pukes without warning."

"Mother! Let the woman have a minute to breathe before you go inviting yourself to her home."

Woman? Her? This sure was keeping Austin weird! Just because I got caught wearing a bra?

"Sorry, Vickie. I get enthusiastic sometimes."

"That's all right. I wouldn't mind the company."

Now I'm the one going weird!

"See! The start of a beautiful friendship. I haven't found many girlfriends down here my own age. Want to be the first?"

"You make it sound like we'll be going steady."

"Well, I did ask you to marry me."

"Mother!"

"Relax, Lola. The Supremes made same-sex marriage legal ages ago."

Could these people actually think I was a woman? OK, my pretty pink bra - no make that Lavender when waterlogged - was showing, but no makeup, nothing screaming feminine but my bra. No jewelry, fingers and toes just plain natural nail color. I've dreamed of passing, but I just knew I couldn't do it. Not really!

"Be careful, Gloria. I do still have my mother's engagement ring in my jewelry case. Keep this up and I may have to get on my soggy knees."

Now where did that come from? Was Gloria infecting me with her brashness?

"Oh darling! This is so sudden!"

Cue the theatrical hand to the forehead.

"Mother, it's as sudden and subtle as a heart attack."

"My heart is all aflutter, dears."

"That's called a-fib. You need a cardiologist for that, not a jeweler. Do they have one of those heart thingies up at the office?"

"Mommy? I'm wet."

Trust Miss Tutu to get the conversation back to reality.

"I know honey. We need to get to the car and find your clothes so you can change. Too bad I can't change your grandmother…"

"Ah, but the shrinks tell us you have to want to change, darling. No such luck. You won't try to change me after we're married, will you Vickie?"

"Wouldn't think of it, but you might change your mind about me when you know all my secrets."

"Ah! A Mysterious woman! You old enough to remember The Shadow, Vickie?"

"Only from my parents memories. More like captain Kangaroo."

"You're not wearing green jeans, though."

"Nope, just a lavender bra."

"You never did tell me where you got it so I can get one."

"Blame Raleigh,. He interrupted me before I could say anything."

"Oh jeez!" complains Lola. "I've got to ride home with a wet dog!"

"Vickie, I just decided I should bum a ride home with you," opined Gloria.

"That's cruel, mother."

"No, that's practical. I'm too old to put up with a wet dog in a car. Besides, my fiancee is taking me out for Thai tonight."

"Mother!"

"Let's blow this joint, Vickie, before she deflates a tire or something."

I've asked this before, but how do I get into these things?

 

"Thank you Vickie." said Gloria.

"For what?"

"For playing along with me. Sometimes I think my daughter has been in this benighted state too long and is turning into a prig."

"Now Gloria, is that a nice thing to say?"

"Of course not! Why do you think I said it?"

"It did take me a while to figure you out. I have my own issues to deal with, you know."

"I suppose you do, everyone does. I take it you haven't been out very long."

"Out?"

"Honey, I spent forty years in the theatre where LGBTQ are letters to live by, not just alphabet soup. I took a chance you were lesbian and would play along with me. Lola can be a bit of a prig about these things and I have an insatiable urge to give her a twit about it."

Wait a minute! Lesbian? She thinks I'm a lesbian?

"Gloria? I think you've made a mistake here."

"Oh shit. You're not a lesbian? Well pardon me from here to the Pecos."

"Gloria, you need to work on the Texas drawl if you're going to use such expressions.

"Damn! I thought I was getting it down. Don't tell me you're straight?"

"To put it colorfully: you got the right sty but the wrong hog. I'm afraid you got the wrong letter for your fiancee."

"I did? OK, if you're not L and you obviously aren't G then how about B?"

"When we get married, promise me we won't honeymoon in Vegas."

"Damn! I haven't blown something this badly in ages. You going to tell me or do I keep guessing?"

"I'm curious where you'll go next."

"OK, T or Q - 50/50 odds. This is one strange conversation."

"You should be seeing it from my end. You sound as confused as a goat on AstroTurf."

"Is that another one of those colorful sayings?"

"Sho' 'nuff, little lady. Get it right and you'll be riding a gravy train with biscuit wheels."

"I surrender! No more colorful sayings! Please! I have to go with Q - it covers more ground."

"I'd recommend you don't go withing two states of Vegas."

"You're trans?"

"First time I've told anyone, so please be kind."

"Honey, maybe we were made for each other and we should get married."

"Oh darling, this is so sudden!"

"As sudden as a swim in a coy pond?"

"I don't think that's a valid Texas saying."

"I'm not a valid Texan. My driver's license still says New Jersey."

"Is it really so freewheeling up there that you can talk with a complete stranger about their LGBTQ identity?"

"A lot more freewheeling than down here, anyway. I need to learn to keep my big mouth shut."

"As we say down here, y'all could talk the gate off its hinges."

"Are we there yet? If I keep talking you'll break our engagement before I get a chance to get out of these wet clothes."

"Just around the corner. See the green house with the roses?"

"It looks lovely."

"I like to think so. Come on in and you can get changed."

 

"Here's the guest room. Towels are in the closet in the en-suite, feel free to use the shampoo and conditioner. This is going to sound very weird, and not just because we're in Austin, but we look to be about the same size. Can I offer you some clean underwear? I'm guessing about a 38?"

"You have a good eye. I appreciate the offer, but I think my bustline is a bit more substantial than yours."

"What a polite way to tell me that I'm flat as a pancake. I was in stealth mode today, I'll be careful to keep away from water hazards in the future if I don't want to be found out. When I'm home I prefer to be a B cup."

"Is there a pithy Texas saying for 'crazy'?"

"Shore is. How about: he's overdrawn at the memory bank?"

"About as colorful as your bra."

"Speaking of colors, you got a choice. I have quite a selection."

"When I woke up this morning - with a four-year-old poking me, by the way - I never dreamed I would be looking through a stranger's lingerie drawers with her. When I think of Texas the color that comes to mind is yellow, as in the rose of Texas."

"Your wish is my command. Bright yellow or pastel?"

"You have bras in different shades of yellow? I just have black, white and tan with the occasional red if I'm feeling frisky. It's been years since I had any desire to wear a sexy bra for someone else."

"Funny, I have a desire to wear a sexy bra almost every day."

"Before I get into the shower, could you take a look out the front door and make sure there aren't any guys in white coats with butterfly nets surrounding the house?"

"Relax, they'd be coming for me, not you. I'm the crossdresser, you're the natural woman."

"You couldn't tell that by me."

 

I had to wonder if there was some chemical in the coy pond. Something that infused me with courage and made me realize that since I was retired no one could take my job away from me. My income came from Social Security and some investments, wearing a dress wouldn't affect that. (Politics and crazy people in charge could leave me broke, but I'd still be able to wear that dress.)

Just why had I been so afraid to leave the house dressed up as I wanted to be dressed? How had I let fear control me so badly that I couldn't even see that people thought I was a woman even in androgynous clothing?

The water in the coy pond did far more than reveal my lavender bra, it washed away the years of fear and self doubt. How had I not seen that before?

Then there was the woman in the spare room who was about to borrow my bra and panties, and wasn't in the least concerned that I was a crossdresser. This shit just doesn't happen in the real world!

Does it?

Did I have the nerve to let the real Vickie out of her cage? I had been longing to do just that ever since I retired, but somehow…

Throwing caution to the winds, I glued my best forms into place, found the powder blue bra and panty set that matched the pastel yellow that Gloria would be wearing and reached behind me to snap the snaps. Reaching for the blow-dryer, I dried my hair wearing just my undies, glancing in the mirror as I did so. If I turned just the right way you couldn't tell that the bra was full of silicone instead of flesh. My reflection was all girl, just as it should be.

I so wanted to dress up, but Gloria had brought in a simple pair of shorts and a sleeveless top, so I realized I should be somewhat consistent with her choices. But Dammit, I was going to wear a skirt! If I was going to be a girl going out on a date I wasn't going to be wearing any damn pants!

I decided on a white blouse with cap sleeves (I didn't want any chance of my forms showing in the arm holes of a sleeveless top) and a simple blue linen skirt, just a bit above the knee. I did realize at my age I wasn't going to be wearing mini-skirts or sexy clothing, such women were just too sad for words when I saw them at the bars or the clubs. I certainly didn't want that kind of scrutiny.

The sandals were still wet, but they weren't the only ones in my closet. I could still hear the blow-dryer running in Gloria's room, so I had time to do my nails, or I hoped I did. Heck, I would even do hers if she was willing.

The bedroom door opened and I had to fight down a flash of anxiety, but there she was, smiling at me and looking quite fine herself. Her gray hair was clean and lustrous and her complexion was wonderful even without makeup. I was glad I had opted for a very light look so we weren't glaringly mismatched.

"We have to take a selfie so I can send it to my daughter. I want to make her jealous of my fiancee!"

"You won't let that go, will you?"

"Why ever would I? Haven't you heard of 'till death do you part'?"

"You'll be the death of me."

"But a very slow death, it'll take years and years."

"Now she threatens torture!"

"You'd be amazed what I can do with a feather. You could be left hanging for just hours and hours!"

"I'd better get my heart checked if you have ideas like that."

"Now that begs a question. Could the doctor get a stereoscope anywhere useful when you're wearing falsies?"

"Since I've never worn a bra to the doctor's office I couldn't tell you."

"I suppose I could use a rolled up newspaper and give that a try."

"Now she wants to take my bra off before we even have dinner. You're pretty forward, lady. Besides, I don't have any newspapers. Electronic subscription to the Austin Statesman on my phone and the tablet."

"However are you going to swat flies if you don't have a newspaper."

"A fly swatter, of course. Always use the appropriate technology."

"How did we get here from taking a selfie. You aren't afraid your image will steal your soul or something, are you?"

"I'd have a hard time walking if someone stole my soles."

"I'm sure you have a closet full of shoes, any woman would."

"But would they match?"

"It wouldn't matter, the shoes won't show in the selfie. Come over here."

She took out her phone and put her arm around my shoulders. She played around with her phone while we rested our heads together. She took several shots and lowered the phone, but we remained with our arms around each other."

"I kind of like this, it's been a long while," she said in a dreamy voice.

"A very long while, do you always go around hugging strange men you meet in a coy pond?"

"Only those that lend me their bras."

"Gloria?"

"Mmmmm…"

"Even though we're engaged, I'd like to get to know you better."

"I like that idea. This is one of the good surprises."

"I agree. Are you ready for dinner?"

"Certainly. The Thai place?"

"Uh, they don't know Vickie there, only Vic."

"Should we order it delivered and stay at home? I don't mind."

"I realized something this afternoon as I got dressed."

"And…"

"I realized that if you could relate to me as a woman this morning then I've been letting my fear control my life. I want to be Vickie when I go out my front door and the hell with anyone who doesn't like it."

"Your family?"

"My parents are gone, my brother didn't come home from 'Nam and my ex hasn't been seen in decades. I'm a loner, Gloria."

"But I already know quite a lot about you. You're thoughtful, quick thinking, willing to go out of your way for others, trusting, open, and compassionate. That much is obvious from just the few hours I've known you."

"You're crazy. You really should worry about those guys with the butterfly nets."

"I'm not crazy, I'm right. Let's see: Thoughtful? Who was willing to loan me her bra when I was in need? Quick thinking? Who jumped in the coy pond to rescue my granddaughter? Willing to go out of her way? Same answer. Trusting? Who told me she was a crossdresser even while she was scared to death? Open? Who invited me to her home without a qualm? Compassionate? Who took care of scared little kids, waterlogged grannies and even a soaking Saint Bernard?

"You, my friend, are someone worth knowing. Lets go to dinner and let that sweet woman out on an unsuspecting world."

 

I had my doubts about going out to dinner as Vickie, but Gloria is a hard woman to resist. We walked a couple of blocks to the Thai place and found seats in the crowded restaurant. The waiter, who certainly knew me, didn't bat an eye at my sudden breast growth or the skirt, simply welcoming me back and handing us the menus. We shared a bottle of red wine with dinner - I didn't even know that they made wines in Thailand, but the bottle had all kinds of ideographs on it and only a small sticker in English.

Our waiter explained that very little wine is exported, but his family still has connections and they get enough to let their customers sample something unusual. I have to admit it was pricey but quite good, a perfect compliment to the meal.

After a tasty dinner and some even tastier conversation, Gloria and I returned to my house. I hooked up the cell phone to the computer, which in turn fed the video to the TV and we watched our fateful meeting together.

I have to say, for unscripted comedy it was pretty good. All it needed was some ragtime piano and a few sound effects and it would make an admirable silent movie. We decided to turn down the sound because the little mike on the cell phone just didn't add to much to the story.

Before I plunged into the coy pond, there was very little sign of my bra beneath my blouse. The moment the water hit it stood out like a neon sign. I don't know what fabric the thing is made of, but it would be perfect for wet T-shirt contests. I think I'll only wear it again if I'm wearing a raincoat.

When the homemade entertainment was finished, we dithered over what to see next, zipping through Netflix and Amazon Prime without success. Finally, we resorted to the DVD collection and managed to find something we both wanted to watch. I was pleased that it was the BBC production of Terry Pratchett's Hogfather. Gloria had good taste in movies.

So we sat next to each other on the couch and as the movie progressed, so did we. The polite distance between us shrank until we were thigh to thigh. I threw caution to the winds and put my arm around Gloria, feeling the pull on my bra strap as I did. She simply snuggled up and lay her head on my shoulder. There are advantages to being almost the same size.

The show ended and that repetitive little tune started playing, but neither of us felt like getting up. Eventually some timer cut on and the screen went blank, but we still held on to each other.

"Vickie, I haven't had a better evening since I came to this insane state, and that includes playing with my grandkids."

"Wait a minute! I've really enjoyed meeting you, but I find it hard to believe that I could rate higher that that little tutu-wearing angel or her sister."

"It comes close, but when I snuggle up next to you, you don't wiggle as much as they do."

"I'm trying not to overstep the bounds. I never dreamed I could do something like this as Vickie."

"I never thought I'd be forward enough to cuddle a stranger myself. Somehow you don't feel like a stranger."

"I suppose it would be hard to remain strangers when you're sharing your underwear."

"I suppose I ought to keep an overnight kit in my car in case we I need a change of clothes in the future. I can't always count on meeting a generous stranger who wears the same size things I do."

"I never thought that anyone would even know I had a drawer full of bras, let alone be loaning one to anybody."

"You wouldn't happen to have a spare nightgown, would you?"

"I have a dozen. Are you suggesting…"

"I don't want to go home to a lonely apartment."

"Gloria, in spite of appearances I am a man under this skirt. I don't know how much restraint I could muster with you in a nightgown."

"I hope you can't find one tiny little bit."

"Well, as we Texans say: I'm happy as a hog in the mud to oblige, ma'am."

"You need to come up with a less colorful saying if you want to invite me into your bed."

"Seems like I'm not the one doing the inviting."

"I find you very inviting."

"Just so you understand I ain't rode that range in a coon's age, ma'am."

"I think it's like riding a bicycle, you never forget."

"I do believe I would be plum happy to try ridin' you, Ma'am."

"Then stop talking and take my clothes off, pardner."

 

"Vickie, we have to get up!"

"Didn't I manage to get it up enough for you last night?"

"I'm still buzzing, but we have to get out of bed."

"Why? I was born tired and I done suffered a relapse."

I forgot I was supposed to take care of the kids today. We need to get dressed and be at Lola's by noon."

"Me, too?"

"Yes, you too! My car is still over at Lola's place. I'm going to get the third degree when we get there, too."

"Payback for her teenage years, I suppose."

"I have a credit balance, Vickie. Believe me!"

"I suppose you want to raid my closet?"

"Can I?"

"Of course. We just may have to move in together so we can share our wardrobes."

"Now wouldn't that get Lola's goat."

"We raise some ornery goats here in Texas, y'know."

"Not to mention horny old goats."

"New Jersey seems to have exported a championship nanny, I'll have you know."

"Enough praise, we need to shower or we're going to smell like a brothel."

"There's enough water pressure to run both showers at the same time. Get going, lady!"

 

It has been years since there has been a woman in my house. In fact, I think the last one was the lady who fixed the cable problem I had last summer. It has been even longer since there has been one in my bedroom. There has never been one looking through my closet with me deciding what she wants to wear when we go out together. I don't think I'll have any trouble contributing to the weirdness of Austin this weekend.

With the prospect of chasing two active children, I was glad I had glued on my forms last night. It had been really strange to make love to Gloria with them attached, but I suppose when in Austin you need to be weird. I did have to touch up the edges a bit, though, our horizontal exercise had loosened things up a bit.

"And men say that nail polish remover smells bad. That's quite a whiff you have there, Vickie."

"High grade surgical glue."

"They were interesting last night. I darn well think you hit compound interest with bonus points."

"I didn't think I could do that much at my age."

"God, I don't know if I could stand any more than what you did last night!"

"You were right about the bicycle part. Now all I have to do is decide which bra to wear."

"I think you have more bras in that drawer than I've owned in my entire life!"

"Too much money and no social life. When I'm bored I go shopping. The only problem is that I have to return about half of what I buy on line because they lied about the size. That's why I like Amazon - I don't have to pay to ship it back if the size is not what the tag says it is."

"You sure you're a man?"

"After last night I hope that's a rhetorical question."

"With a most definitive answer. You wouldn't have a lavender bra with a bigger cup size in that trove?"

"I do."

"See, I told you we should get married."

"Context, my dear. Context is everything."

"Wear that one to remind me of our meeting."

"As you command, my love. You try that green one with the half cups. It would go well with one of my favorite dresses."

With the weather promising to be clear and warm, we decided sundresses were in order. I gave her a green number with a neckline too low for me to wear without revealing my falsies but I loved the thing anyway. On Gloria it was glorious.

Sorry about that.

Dressed and ready, I perused the earring rack for something I wanted to wear. I picked up a nice, dangly chain with a small stone that made like a pendulum, but Gloria advised against it. We were babysitting small children, if I wanted to return home with intact earlobes a simple stud was called for. The things I don't know about being a woman.

While we were running around the bedroom, I had a brilliant idea. I burrowed into the spare room for the beach bag, then filled it with towels and two changes of clothing. I have to think that now I was a surrogate grandmother to two lively children, some mystic force filled me and made me plan ahead after our impromptu swim yesterday. When Gloria asked what was in the bag, I simply practiced my innocent feminine smile and told her she would find out when the time was right.

I'll spare you a literal reading of her response.

I think we set a new speed record, two women (and yes, I'm including myself) dressed and out the door in one hour and thirteen minutes. I was tempted to say 'one hour and thirteen minutes flat but I was sporting a B cup, that just wouldn't work.

Sorry about that, again.

When we were on our way over I filled her in on my plans. Gloria was enthusiastic and I got kissed. Good thing we were at a red light or we might not have made it to her daughter's place.

 

"Mother! Where have you been?"

Gloria's daughter Lola had a familiar look on her face. I had seen that look more times than I could count about fifty years ago on my own mother's face. We'd say something like 'we're back at the same old rodeo' down here in Texas.

"I've been frantic! Your car's been here all night and just where have you been!

It's scenes like this on that make me glad my long-ago wife and I didn't have any children before we called it quits.

"I spent the night with my fiancee. Why do you ask?"

Butter wouldn't melt in her mouth, another good old Texas saying."

"You what!?"

"Have the children been so boisterous that you're loosing your hearing, darling?"

"Mother! You know very well what I mean!"

The things I missed not having children.

"I'm here fifteen minutes early and I brought Vicky with me so we can go one-on-one with the little darlings. What more do you want?"

"Vickie? You hardly even know her!"

"You'd be surprised, dear. In fact I think I know her quite intimately, now."

If butter wouldn't melt in Gloria's mouth it would freeze solid on Lola's lips. I'm going to have to get Gloria to teach me that innocent look. If I ever decide to start robbing banks it could come in right handy.

"I can't believe this! You're too old for a one night stand. And with a woman!"

"Who said anything about one night? I may just move in with her."

"Mother!"

"Well, at least I don't have to worry about using protection."

That woman could sure get a lot of emotion in those three syllables. I started to wonder how much was needling her daughter and how much there might be a real chance. I was trying to be cool, to realize that finding a woman who not only would tolerate Vickie but seemed to actually enjoy her just might be warping my judgement.

I suppose the sex was an influence, too.

"I went through menopause twenty years ago, I don't need no stinkin' protection. Lola, you're too young to need blood pressure medicine, so calm down. Are the kids ready?"

"Ready? Ready for what?"

We're taking them to see Lady Bird."

"Who?"

"God, what do they teach you in school these days. Lady Bird Johnson, wife to Lyndon of the Viet Nam war."

"Isn't she dead?"

"So's he, but her wildflowers live on. We're going to see Fortlandia."

She managed to deliver that line like it was the done thang here in Texas. She had known about Fortlandia for less than ten minutes, when I mentioned it to her as someplace to entertain the kids. Not that I was a fortress aficionado, but I was a member of the Lady Bird Johnson Wildflower Center and frequently strolled around the place for a couple of hours communing with nature. I had seen the info about Fortlandia and filed it, having no children in my life to make it relevant. How things have changed.

"Mother, you've finally cracked. If you ever had any marbles they're long gone."

"Didn't you and your brother love playing in forts when you were little? Your Mother remembers. She even remembers the skinned knees when you tried to climb down the tree instead of the ladder."

"I surrender! I give up! You will never grow up. Take the children and go!"

"And I don't intend to grow up, either. You can ask Peter Pan."

 

We transferred to Gloria's car since the Grannymobile had the kid seats already in place. As we left, I watched out the window as the figure of Lola, arms crossed and pickle-faced, stood on the porch. I suspect the girl didn't approve but had little choice of babysitters if she were going to get to work on time. Damn I was glad I no longer had to work, especially on Sundays!

"Vickie baby, it does my heart good to do to my kids what they did to me growing up. She and her brother were grade A, full bore, spoke wire wheel hellions. I was a single mother and I almost ran away from home!"

"We'd say raising kids is like putting socks on a rooster."

"That don't make a damn bit of sense."

"You ever tried to put socks on a rooster?"

"I'm a city girl."

"Roosters have sharp beaks and even sharper claws. I wouldn't approach the task without elbow length leather gloves and a full suit of body armor."

"Sounds like being a single mother, all right. Leaving my car there overnight brings back a story."

"Can you tell it with the kids listening?"

"Look in the back, they're asleep already."

"Well, I'll be damned"

"Undoubtedly. Anyway, when my son was about sixteen I got a call from the cops at one in the morning asking if I knew where he was."

"And where was he?"

"I said he's asleep in bed and they said 'You'd better check'."

"I take it the bed was empty."

"And the window open and unlatched. My car was gone, too."

"And where was your son and the car?"

"About twenty miles away in the police station where he'd been busted for speeding and driving without a license."

"How long did you leave him there?"

"A day and a half. Since I didn't have a car I couldn't go and get him. I was so mad I would have left him to rot if I didn't need the car. I had to bum a ride from my father, who makes Lola's disapproving frown seem almost angelic."

"Sometimes I'm glad I never had kids."

"Really, didn't you ever want one?"

"I did. My wife and I did. When she got pregnant we were thrilled. Then she had a miscarriage at six months that almost killed her. I got myself snipped so I would never put her in danger again. Yes, I regret not having children, but I don't regret putting my wife first. We only lasted a year or so after that, I don't think she ever recovered from that miscarriage. I haven't seen her in decades but I do hope she managed to find happiness with someone else."

"What can I say. I was a single mom because I fell in love with a bluesman who could play the heck out of a guitar and had a body that wouldn't quit. Unfortunately, he couldn't quit the drug scene and I had to run with one kid in my arms and the other in my belly. My brother rescued me and took me back to Massachusetts and even found me a job.

"It was hard, but I found a circle of women who were going back to college and they practically dragged me to the campus and forced me to sign up.

"My brother saved my life and those women saved my children's lives when I was about to throttle them. We all had kids and traded babysitting with whoever didn't have class until we finally graduated. I may bitch about my daughter, but she's a good kid. I'm just worried that her husband is dragging her down with his intolerant ideas. I won't say anything because I know my daughter and she would just double down if I criticized."

"You're a wise woman. Know your limits."

"Then bust through them, eh Vickie? You only thought you knew your limits until I came along."

"We become our own worst critics, don't we? I never thought I could go out in public as Vickie, but the people at the restaurant last night didn't bat an eyelash when the served us. They had to know who I was."

"And even in neutral clothes yesterday, we all thought you were a woman, even before you did the wet T-shirt thing. And after last night I have no doubt you are a man, either."

"You listen to country music?"

"Not really."

"You may have to start - it's a requirement for Texas citizenship, just like calf ropin' and knife fightin'."

"I think I'll keep my alien status, thank you."

"Just stay away from the Mexican border. Anyway, there's was a big hit called Man I Feel Like A Woman. That one always sort of tickled my funnybone."

"Well, woman, your bone tickled me in places that were far from funny."

"Shouldn't we save this for sometime when we're alone?"

"Tonight?"

"Sure. We have to wake the kids up now, we're here."

 

I have to admit I was a bit nervous. As we approached the admission booth. I realized my membership card read 'Victor' not 'Vickie.' The kid in the booth (they're all kids when you reach my age) didn't bat an eye at the name, just gave me a sticker.

She did bat her eyes, rather prettily I must say, but that's just because she was a cute teen girl. I turned in three of the free passes you get when you become a member and got three more stickers.

That's when I got my first lesson in proper grandmothering. The stickers were applied between the shoulder blades of each child - a place where curious little fingers couldn't reach. It wouldn't be the last lesson I would learn as an apprentice grandmother.

With one little darling holding my hand - the girl formerly known as child-in-tutu - and the other riding the stroller in Gloria's hands, we proceeded to the entryway. Not that we actually made it to he entry arch, because we were waylaid by the coy pond to the left of the entrance.

I told you my memory isn't so good sometimes, I had never thought of the pond as a danger before today. I tightened my grip on the small hand in mine as she watched the turtles and I watched her. The water in this pond was more swamplike than at the Botanical Garden and I really didn't want to go in there to fish Kristie out.

Eventually the turtles got boring and we continued, but I held her hand as I knew that we were approaching another water hazard. I was thinking I should take up golf and learn to cope with water hazards.

In the middle of the courtyard is a freshwater spring, it's depths plainly visible through crystal clear waters. In the heat of an Austin summer it is a true oasis and a thing of beauty.

Naturally Kristie was drawn to it and I explained we couldn't go swimming - see, the sign say so.

"I got to go potty." was her response.

It was then that I realized that I had fallen into a cliché - the crossdresser and the lady's room. I had read that scenario a thousand times on line and had chuckled at the poor character's plight. Now I was about to make it a reality in my own life. I could see the headlines now
 

 

With Gloria reminding me that four-year-olds seldom give you much advance warning I headed for the dread door and took the little darling to the handicapped stall. She hopped up on the seat and proceeded to produce a prodigious poop, completely oblivious to the benighted pseudo-woman in front of her, who was completely out of her element. Then a familiar sound of water striking water and it was over.

Or so I thought. She hopped off the seat, stuck out her bottom and said "Wipe me, Gamma Vickie."

'Dear Lord,' I prayed. 'Didn't you get enough chuckles from afflicting Job? Is it really necessary to use me to keep in practice?'

So I grabbed the TP and wiped. If this is the woman's lot in life I may have to reconsider my crossdressing.

It was then that I realized that Kristie was not the only one who needed to use the toilet, but I was most emphatically not going to do so with her watching. We returned to Grandma Gloria where I passed custody to her and once again passed the dread door to take care of my own needs.

With that taken care of, I returned to Gloria and the children, only to be abandoned as she made her way to the restrooms. Somehow I don't remember anything vaguely like this happening in those stories when the novice crossdresser has to use the lady's room. It just goes to show that there is always something worse that can happen when you're in a situation.

 

Suitably refreshed we headed for Fortlandia. This is a collection of fanciful Forts created by artists and craftspeople in the Austin area. They are made to encourage a child's curiosity and playfulness and even invoke a yen to climb around them in most adults.

Safely past the water hazards, I let Kristie run free and we hurried to follow the enthusiastic little girl. Little sister Shawna, who had just started walking, was released from her conveyance and gleefully explored the lower parts of the structures.

Knowing that affection between two women (or two men) was not an unusual sight in Austin, I placed an arm around Gloria and we watched the cherubs play. I could get used to doing this.

Eventually the forts were explored, so we continued our trek to the waterfall. Yes, the waterfall. Intentionally. This pond was designed for playing in, and they even had buckets and other toys to make throwing water around easier.

This is why I had packed two spare sets of clothes for Gloria and myself as well as a pile of towels. I may not have raised children myself, but after yesterday I had no faith in being able to remain dry through the afternoon.

Kristie headed immediately to the water, her little sister Shawna was curious but not so sure about this stuff. She toddled up to the edge, plopped herself down as only a small child can do, and tentatively poked the water. Interesting stuff, her expression read. A few more pokes, then a paddle, then a splash and big grin. Before long she and her sister were splashing each other and having a grand time.

Eventually, Kristie noticed the cave, so we had to explore it. Inside the cave is an opening so you can look out on the back side of the waterfall, so that's what we did. We also screamed to hear our voices rebound off the walls.

When you are with small children you don't stay in one place very long. Onward we went to find the water pump. This is an actual old fashioned water pump where you push the handle up and down to get water. Kristie was too short to make the handle work, so guess who got to pump while the girls played in the water again?

By this time the girls were completely soaked, but there were another set of convenient bathrooms available so we were able to change them into their dry clothes.

Somehow I ended up with Shawna and had to change her poopy diaper. There are few things more disgusting in this world than a waterlogged, poopy diaper. One of them may be a poopy kid. This necessitated cleaning off the kid and being sure that the poop was removed from certain intimate areas that would get me unwanted attention from CPS if anyone were to be watching. Fortunately, the door was locked and we were alone. Motherhood - or grandmotherhood - does have its downside.

Miraculously Gloria and I had managed to intercept only a few splashes and were able to let those dry in the warm sun. As we exited the bathrooms Kristie cried "Carry me, Gamma Vickie!"

So I picked her up. A four-year-old is quite a chunk and gets heavy pretty quickly. Remembering how I watched parents carry their children, I swung her up on my shoulders, which prompted an excited "Wheeeee!"

I became very glad I had glued my breast forms in place because the kid would have kicked them out of the cups and across the ground with her legs urging her horsie to go.

Just how did I end up doing this?

Gloria was grinning at me with a "You know you love it!" look. She was right. So I took them to the book nook and gratefully set my burden on a bench and we read a few books together. Then we fooled around with the exercise equipment (I did not need any additional exercise by this point) touched the animal statues and finally made it back to the entrance. By this time I was thoroughly worn out and Gloria was looking a bit ragged as well.

"It's getting on to dinner time. What say we go out for some real Texas Barbecue?"

"You Texas types are really stuck on this Barbecue business, aren't you?"

"Yes'm, we surely are. Have you been to the worst Barbecue in Texas yet?"

"Worst?"

"Yes'm, I continued to drawl. Most everyplace says they have the best Barbecue in Texas, but Rudy's proudly claims the worst. It's a lie, though. What say we mosey on over there and have some vittles?"

"Only if you'll stop with the corny Texas crap. I love you, Vickie, but please!"

"Yes'm. Ouch!"

"I warned you, girl."

"Gamma, don't hit!"

"Sorry darling. Both darlings. I'll be nicer with some food in me."

So we went to Rudy's. If you aren't from Texas this needs some explanation. At Rudy's it's the ultimate in family dining. You go up to the counter, order your meat by the pound, pick out your coleslaw, potatoes, beans and other fixins, (don't forget to load up on the free dill pickles) fill you own drink cup and sit at long, wooden tables with benches.

If the weather is nice you can go outdoors to eat and let the kids run around. Which is what we did. After an afternoon of fresh air and exercise we did justice to a whole pile of ribs, brisket and sausages, with pudding for dessert.

The kids were having a good time, so we simply sat at the table and held hands while they ran around with the multitude of other people there. The sun was beginning to set when we called a halt to whatever game they were playing and took them home to Mom and Dad.

I carried a sleeping Kristie into the house and offered to put her down in her bed so she wouldn't wake. Lola was trying to decide if she approved of me or not, but opted to let the kid sleep. I laid her on her bed, still in her dusty clothes, and left her to Mom's tender care.

Gloria and I bid them farewell before any questions could be asked and we went back to my place, driving both cars so they would be available in the morning. I'm afraid I'm getting old, we showered and climbed into bed and were both asleep in minutes. I woke up in the middle of the night to realize my forms were still glued on, but peeing was far more important and I just went back to sleep.

Thus ended Vickie's first full day as a woman in the great, wide world. Just why had I taken so long to do what I always wanted to do?

 

I could get used to waking up with Gloria in my bed. I've gone several years without anyone sharing my blankets, and now two nights in a row. Miracles do happen, I guess.

I was feeling rather domestic as we breakfasted in robes and nightgowns, mumbling things as we toasted some English muffins and scrambled some eggs. When we were on our second cup of coffee we were almost coherent.

"I hope you don't think I'm being too forward staying here another night, Vickie."

"Not a chance. I was just musing on how easily we have fallen into domesticity. It's been years since a woman has shared my bed, but you feel like you should always be there with me."

"Love at first sight?"

"Lust, anyway. Not that there was any energy for lust after babysitting."

"Tell me about it. You're a natural with Kristie. She really likes you."

"And I like her. You have a nice family, Gloria. I've never had anything like that."

"I'll have to take you to meet my son Ray sometime."

"More grandkids?"

"A boy and a girl"

"Should we take them swimming?"

"I'm trying to picture you in a bikini."

"You must have a vivid imagination. Just remember these babies are as imaginary as my femininity."

"If they're imaginary how come I felt them poking into my back last night?"

"You did?"

"It was interesting. If I wasn't so tired I might have stopped imagining and started doing."

"Hell to get old, isn't it?"

"It has it's compensations. For instance, it's Monday morning and we still aren't dressed and don't have to be anywhere special."

"True. So what do you want to do today?"

"Go swimming?"

"You…"

"We could always go back to bed."

"Would that be lust at second sight?"

"I could close my eyes."

"I'd still be lusting. Would you mind if I put on my bra? I have come to the realization that breasts are heavy."

"Finally! A man who understands!"

"You're really OK with this?"

"I wouldn't be here if I wasn't. I have to admit it's weird, but there's something about you that is intriguing. Half the time I forgot that you weren't a woman yesterday. You were really good with the kids."

"I'm not sure how I did that. They just invite cuddling and playing. You can keep the poopy diapers, though."

"I cheered when Lola finally was potty trained! For a while I thought she would walk down the aisle in diapers."

"You could have warned me that four-year-olds can't wipe themselves."

She laughed at me.

"Potty humor is big with that age. You ever read Captain Underpants?"

"Did it make the Times best seller list?"

"For toddlers, maybe. His underpants have magical powers."

"Funny, it's panties that have magical powers for me."

"At least wearing them didn't make you faster than a speeding bullet. Not by a long shot!"

"Do I need to lay in a supply of kids books?"

I tried to ignore the implication.

"Only if you plan on babysitting with me in the future."

"I'm willing. Do we have a future?"

"I think so. I'd like to try."

"As a man or a woman?"

"Your choice. So far I like Vickie a lot, she's fun to be with."

"Even if your daughter doesn't approve?"

"I never approved of most of her boyfriends, payback can be sweet. Besides, who I choose to live with is up to me, not her."

"Live with? Do you mean that?"

"That kind of slipped out. I don't want to presume on a couple of good nights in bed together."

"Funny, I'm already used to having you around. I've been lonely when I let myself think about it."

"That makes two of us. I'm still not sure I like Texas. New Jersey it ain't."

"Your place or mine?"

"Haven't heard that question in ages. I have a tiny apartment with only a double bed. I like snuggling in bed but you have more real estate."

"Ma'am, everything's bigger here in Texas."

"I'd say you're big enough for me. Darlin'. Did I say that right?"

"You'll be a native in no time."

 

That all happened several years ago. Obviously we stayed together. Less obviously, after a few months Vic just sort of faded away and Vickie went full time. We haven't bothered to tell Gloria's children that I'm anything other than the woman she married, and they don't have a clue.

When we realized that Vickie was here to stay, a trip to Mexico took care of having to glue on falsies. I have gotten used to the implants by now, it seems like they are just a natural part of me these days. And no, a 60+ year old woman does not wear a bikini, but with a little tucking a one piece with a cute little ruffle looks just fine.

We even attended swimming lessons with the kids and helped the instructor keep track of them.

We don't do as much babysitting since the girls are in school now, but once a month we have overnight guests. Our current goal is to visit every state park within two hours of Austin with the kids and we're thinking maybe a small travel trailer might let us take them to places even farther. Who says old folks have to vegetate at some senior center?

We still visit the coy pond in Zilker to reminisce and watch the people as they pass by, but neither of us has had to fish anyone out of the water since that fateful day we met.