A Muddy Mess – 7 Thoughts, Feelings & Emotions

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A Muddy Mess – 7
Thoughts, Feelings & Emotions

By Jessica C

My big mess now is the feelings…
And romantic emotions with Harrison and Prom...
The reality is that I find Susan’s interest attractive…

Melanie said, “Oh, you irritate me… You didn’t read my text yesterday. I wondered why you didn’t congratulate me. I thought you were being a tease. Brock Stephens did. Jake Thomas arrived at the same time. I asked him what he wanted, hoping he too was going to ask me to the prom.” She was talking about what she liked about each of them until I interrupted her.

I said, “Tell me already!”

“I could have killed Jacob when he said. If Brock asked you, you wouldn’t consider going with me.”

I yelled at him, “You blockhead, I shouldn’t since I think more of you than you do! Sorry Brock, but I’m going to go with Jacob.”

I told Brock, “I know a person, Sue Reed was wanting to go with someone who already has a prom date. Sue’s both attractive and pretty smart.”

I said, “You didn’t tell him that. I thought you said Sue was interested in me.”

Melanie giggle, “And you already have a prom date don’t you.”


Melanie says, “Change of subject, did your Mom say anything about going up to see your grandparents next week. My mom says we’re both going.”

“My mother said she was planning a getaway. She said that just before I went to school yesterday. Last night I was too tired to hear anything.” I picked up my phone along with a robe to go eat breakfast. There was her text message.

Once in the kitchen, I ask, “Mom are we going to my grandparents the weekend after this?”

Mom says, “Good morning Melanie; I should have suspected you might tell her first. It will be the five of us girls. Your mother thought you two needed to get away and just be friends. And Danica needs some ordinary girl days.”

Mom served me a mix of yogurt, berries, and granola. It was very tasty but not enough of it. I asked, “Mom, is this all I get to eat?”

I see Melanie’s text, “It’s the pre-prom watching your diet plan.” I text back, “But I’m hungrier than that.”

Melanie says, “You need to train your stomach to shrink and be more girl-like. That also means no seconds at school. SEE YOU THERE!” Her screen goes off.

“Mom, didn’t you put sugar on the fruit?” I could have a little more fruit because there wasn’t sugar on them.

Mom told me to check my makeup better. So I went back finished getting dressed and looked closer at my makeup. I used a makeup triangle to blend my makeup better and smooth it out. I took my triangle pad and went to find my mom. “Mom, can you check my makeup?”

She said, “That is much better, but you do have a makeup mirror on your new vanity. You should be sitting down and take your time doing your makeup. The makeup mirror is designed to help you see better what you’re doing.” She paused, having looked at me. “I think it is a little quick for Danica to wear that sundress, especially halter style. However, you look very nice, and if you want you to have my approval.” She hands me some health forms saying, “Nurse Marie needs to get these for your records.” Two were doctor statements to the school. The third was a letter signed by my parents saying I had their permission to attend school as Danica for the rest of the school year.

I was happy when the week at school was done. Several good firsts, but they were nerve-racking as I went through them.


Saturday rained, so we changed our tickets to Sunday the last game of the series between the Yankees and the St. Louis Cardinals. Harrison felt the need to explain that the Cardinals are from the National League and don’t regularly play the Yankees in the American League.

We’re over at his housekeeping his mom's company some of the time. She just started her fourteen days without any treatments. They will test her in another week to see how she has progressed. Though Melanie or her mother will be over for supper. Mrs. Deters asks me instead of her son for help. Seemingly she likes my massages.

“I’m sorry Danica, I don’t mean to embarrass you or myself. I guess I’m wanting to see it like you do that Harrison is dating a girl.”

I giggle, “I would like him seeing it that way too. I guess this in a way is a chance for me to see myself as a girl by helping you. Could you please tell me about when you went to the prom, was it with Mr. Deters?”

“No, I met him first in college and married him when we got back together.”

“My prom date in my junior year was with a senior boy named Ryan. I was sure he was my true love, so we didn’t worry about what we did. Oh my, um you can’t tell this to Harrison.”

I said, “I guess it’s a secret between us girls.”

“I was 5’ 9” which was tall then for a girl and he was a good-looking hunk much like Harris is for you. I don’t know about my son, but he was a good size where it counts. But it wasn’t the first time we made out.”

I continued the massage for another fifteen minutes. I was caught off guard, when she said, “You look at my son differently now. You were kind of afraid of him at first and were doing it more as a favor to me. Now you seem to have affection for him. I hope you will have protection if you have sex with him.”

Even my cough was that of a girl when she caught me by surprise. “You didn’t expect me to say anything, but I was hoping you and your mother or father would have already talked about this.”

“My mother and I had two nights ago. That was hard enough. She said, ‘I don’t want him to force you to do anything you’re not willing to. I raised him to be good and respect people. And I know he has grown to have affections for you. He has several pictures of you in his room and now even talks to me about you.’”

She had already told me her inhibitions were down, since her brush with death. That she often felt free to say what she thought. She even felt the need to share a hairpin of her grandmother’s. “I would like it back after the prom. My Grandmother said it was a woman’s secret weapon. If you give it to your beautician I am sure she can work it into your hairstyle. You won’t need it with Harrison but other boys maybe.”

Mrs. Deters decided to get up and get dressed after I was through with the massage and her talk with me. She was not steady on her feet. I had to help her get dressed. She did most of it, I mostly helped her keep her balance and hold at the waistband of some clothes. She’s about forty years old. Despite chemo and radiation treatments, one can see she had been a very attractive woman.

“Between Bill’s unexpected death and now my illness; life has been a giant turnaround. Between the Sinclairs and now you with Harrison, it is nice to see some sunshine in our lives.” When we stepped out of her room. She says, “Why don’t you go and find Harrison. If you take the better part of an hour, I can take care of myself. Thanks for your help and for listening to me. It was nice that you are another girl to me. I hope it helps in becoming you inside.”


I called Harrison and he was in their finished basement. I went down and he apologized for his mother wanting my help. I got myself in his arms, saying, “I am another girl to her, I like that. It’s emotional but a lot more so for her. Just hold me and don’t say any more about that.”

We were cuddled together enjoying some music videos. Supposedly we were down here because he didn’t trust himself with me in his room. When he pulls me on top of him; I can tell I am also excited to be with him.

I worked up my courage, “You know I am not used to this. I’ve thought a lot about being a girl with a guy. But I was sure it would never happen. I even think more about us together than I wish right now.”

Harrison says, “But you do know and you seem excited.” He kisses me and we roll on the couch. His hands are on my ass and I am looking at him. My skirt is going up as his hands have gone down. He pauses as to ask a question. I pulled the hem of my dress back down but then stretch and return a passionate kiss.

When he first touched me as another boy, I momentarily froze. I knew it would happen and I knew I might eventually let him. Harrison touched me, but it was his hand guiding me to him that was the big step.

The time was good but went by fast. It was soon time to fix my clothes and to check my makeup before going back upstairs. Harrison was afraid I was tired of my time with his mother and would feel bad about helping her again this afternoon.

“Your mother and I each see the other as being sweet. And we both love… like her son.”

He asked, “What were you going to say?”

The basement must be pretty soundproof as she was upstairs baking some oatmeal raisin cookies. When we got upstairs, the clanging of cookie sheets was loud and she was singing louder. Harrison coughed to get her attention and then I walked up next to her. She gave me a big hug and I soon had flour on me.

“Can I help you,” I asked? She quickly had an apron out for me to wear. I am enjoying these times of being invited to help in a woman’s kitchen.

She asked, “Has Harris been good to you?”

I smiled saying, “Yes, that’s my problem.”

She joked, “If I didn’t give you two enough time that was my fault. …He can go take a shower, but you need to learn to unwind while being creative.”

I turned to Harrison, “Did you hear your mother, get! If and when we stop dating I am keeping her.” She hugged me in agreement.

She asked me, “Do you like Italian food?’ I said ‘Yes.’

Let’s first finish the cookies. Checked the recipe I’m using and learn to copy a mother’s recipe. You can be creative of course.”

We made a second batch of cookie dough and for this one, we used butterscotch pieces. “It looks like that pleases you.”

“I was a boy, this would be for when I am pleasing your son or have a craving for sweets. My mother and Melanie are telling me I need to stay on a strict prom diet.” She hugged me.

“Yes, that is why I was making the other cookies. Maybe we should throw out this batch and take away the temptation.” She was being sweet, but I could not see throwing away a batch of cookies. She opened the oven and took out her first batch of cookies. She had another pan ready and put them in. I mixed up my batch of cookie dough some more and used a spoon to put the dough on a baking sheet. I was able to fit 12 onto the pan. She had taken the cookies off her sheet to let them cool. This time the dollops of cookie dough were smaller and I made fifteen to finish the rest of the dough and a second sheet. Two sheets are ready to go in the oven.

There was a kettle of soup I hadn’t noticed on the stove until Christine took the lid off. My mouth watered as I could smell vegetable soup simmering. She smiled, “Pease go and get your boyfriend and we’ll have a little lunch. If you’d rather, you can sit on his lap and enjoy him.” She smiles, “Most boys don’t know we can be crude and it is better they don’t know. Now go and find him.”

I went amused by the mixed messages she places in my mind. I found Harrison up in his room with his jeans back on and just putting on a tee shirt. I knocked and walked in as the door was already open.

It was liked it was as normal as could be that I walked up to him and on my tiptoes I hugged him around the neck. “You know, I’m becoming attached to you. With that I kissed him, silently praying he’d take me right there. He did hug me and added a lot to his kiss. But the longer the kiss the more certain, I knew he would back away.

“Your mother has soup made for lunch that we can enjoy if we have nothing better to do.”

His hand went to the top of my skirt and I gasped. There was just enough room for him to slip his hand down in it. His hand was even inside my panty. Harrison moaned as he enjoyed how it felt. “Danica, even if this means you are willing to give yourself to me that will need to be enough for now.”

My boyhood was bending until it hurt in my panty and needed relief that wasn’t coming. I figuratively bit my tongue, as we left is room. When we got to the kitchen I went to the refrigerator and got a glass of ice-cold water. I drank one real fast and held another to sip. The chill to my body helped enough and I quickly sat down at the table.

Mrs. Deters served me a bowl of soup and Harrison brought me my silverware. They each served themselves from the counter. I was thankful his mother started the conversation. The soup was excellent giving us something to enjoy and talk about. I had to show pictures of my prom dress again.

She told Harrison that she and I were going to make up some lasagna for supper. But she would nap until four p.m.

I didn’t know if I could manage an afternoon alone with him. I was filled with mixed emotions. “Mrs. Deters, I’m not sure I can stay for supper as I should be home with my family.”

She said, “I’ve already called your mother telling her how we’re having such a nice day. She said, she’d pick you up between seven-thirty and eight so you could get a good night’s rest for tomorrow.”

Harrison said, “I hope you won’t be upset having two days in a row with me. I’m hoping it will be three days if you can come to the game I play on Monday. We’ll be away at Middlesex but you should be able to get a ride with some of the senior girls who usually try to come.”


Mrs. Deters said, “I’m going to take a nap and we’ll make the lasagna around four. Harrison, you need to have some cookies for dessert. Danica mixed and made the oatmeal scotches.” She turns to me and asks, “Did you have as much fun as I did?”

“Harrison, I told your mother if we stop dating. I’m still going to keep her as my special friend.”

He asked, “So we are going to stay together. When did we decide that?” I felt embarrassed and quickly ran for the bathroom. I didn’t know why I said that. But I felt hurt by his questioning.

He was right behind me as I closed the door and he was apologizing. “I’m sorry Danica. I shouldn’t have joked with you like that. I was just joking with you as one of the guys. …You’re right we are going together and I am pleased we’re together.”

I sniffled, “I’m sorry I assumed it. Could you please get me my purse so I can fix my makeup? It’s lying next to my chair.” It took some time for him to find it and bring it back to me. It took another fifteen minutes for me to clean my face and redo my makeup. I went light on the lipstick anticipating our kissing again.

I am upset with myself that I have the feelings of a girl. I’m not used to it and still feel guilty at times. It seems to be more natural for me, especially when I’m around him or girlfriends. I do like being a girl but it clashes with all the years I’ve been programmed as a boy.

It took long enough for Mrs. Deters to put the dishes in the dishwasher. I helped her some and so she could go lay down.


I followed to tell Mrs. Deters I was alright and to thank her again for the morning and lunch. I soon heard a message come to my phone. It was from Melanie, “I hear you’re with my cousin. Have a good time, hehe.”

I see there were messages from Steph and Halle earlier. Steph: “Heard you didn’t go to the baseball game. I hope things are fine between you and Harrison. You looked like you were comfortable with him at their ball games.”

Halle text, “I just wanted you to know people are happy for Harrison. That he found someone as precious as you. I care about you very much. …You make a beautiful girl. Love, Halle”

I text back to each one with a short note, telling them things are good.


I asked, Harrison if we could walk around in his backyard. I had seen Mrs. Deters had a lot of flowering bushes and spring flowers. I had seen Brien and Megan walk around outside at our house. I found Harrison was good about the naming of some shrubs and flowers. But it was evident the yard had not gotten its usual spring attention.

I decided to rake one flower bed and around some of the bushes. Harrison commented that I would get too dirty. But I told him if I rake and you put the leaves and stuff in your mulch pile, I’ll be fine.

He went and changed into some work clothes. I did take off my socks and put them back on my sandals. I had raked around several bushes before he was back out. The first few minutes he spent taking pictures of me. One included a selfie with me. I did appreciate the gloves he brought out for me to wear.

We only worked a little over an hour as I didn’t want to get sweaty. I was sure his mother would appreciate what we accomplished. Harrison half-jokingly said, “You know my Mother is going to be on my case about finishing the yardwork.”

It was only 2:30 with well over an hour before his mother would be getting up. We were now up in his room as he showed me pictures of some of his friends. There were several guys he showed me that I didn’t know.

Here I was, supposedly just doing him a favor by going with him to the prom. I felt jealous that some of his friends liked him as I was beginning to. I kissed him and didn’t stop it right away. I should have known I was getting us both excited.

He put on some soft music and asked me to dance with him. The longer we danced the closer we got. My short skirt was soon up and his hands were on my buns. I found my body reacting to his hands. I whispered, “You know you’re being cruel doing that.”

He softly said back to me, “You can tell me to stop, but it was you who led me to your panties before.” My emotions were strong but mixed to the point of driving me crazy. He turned me half around. He was nibbling at my neck and ears. He had also aroused me and I could feel him pressing on me from behind.

I said, “I know I should try to get used to this before the prom. But my dreams are as Danica were usually with a girl liking me.”

I turned and faced him. I took a deep breath and loosened his belt. I hadn’t said it, but as Danica, I had also dreamt of being with a boy. I always wondered how touching another boy would feel. I was kinda hugging him from the side and slowly slipped my hand down his front.

OM, I was exciting another guy and now I was touching him. I felt him and I got lost in the smile that came on his face and kissed him.

Harrison whispered saying, “The first time can be awkward, but it’s okay about being excited?”

“Excited?” I thought I was scared, but he was correct my body was getting excited. He helped to bring my hand to him. I looked down as I felt he was warm and bigger than I thought. My hand moved slowly and it explored touching him.

We kissed again and my eyes remained closed. He pulled me close to him and walked us over to his bed. I was standing there as he knelt and was touching me. I was getting too excited and began saying I was going to burst and needed the bathroom. I ran and got there in time to sit and release my spurt out into the toilet.

When I came back to him. He lifted my chin and planted a kiss on my lips. “I’m so happy with you. I know this isn’t easy and your feelings are mixed in your head. Thanks for putting yourself through all of this.” He gave me another hug and kiss.

That made me feel good and accepted as someone special to him. I said. ”I hope that my name isn’t going to be shared in the locker room about what we have or haven’t done.”

Now I’m shaking my head ‘that my time is with Harrison. I had always dreamed a time like this would be with a girl, someone like Susan, maybe even… no don’t go there. If anything, I was disappointed that we only went as far as we did. We were on his bed being intimate enough for me and it soon was over. I found it different, I liked the taste of being with him.

However, when I saw the clock and knew I needed a quick shower and to get put back together. I worked to keep my hair dry. I suspected his Mom heard the shower and would easily guess what we might have done? But I was fairly sure she wouldn’t embarrass me by saying anything. Harrison warned me that she might, but I said I didn’t think so.

It wasn’t until I was down to the kitchen that she made her way out of her room. Greeting us and hugging me, she pulled out two clean aprons. She had me boiling the lasagna noodles as she gathered the other ingredients. She told me, where her baking ware was. I was then browning some Italian sausage to mix in with her sauce. She also had a container of ricotta cheese.

I said, “We use cottage cheese at our house.”

Christiane said, “Many do, I guess this is the way my mother taught me. I hope you will like it.”

Harrison came up from behind and cuddled me while I was working. “My Mom’s a pretty good cook. Her mom was Italian; Grandma taught her many of her old recipes and ways. I think you’ll like this.”

“You, my son can get out the loaf of bread and be prepared to make us some garlic bread.”

She said, “I do not want details but do the both of you feel like you will be able to enjoy going to the prom?”

Harrison answered first, “I’m sure we will. It will help to become closer friends. I think Danica is nicely fulfilling your wish of my date being a girl. And I see enough of Tim to be happy as well.”

She asks me, “Danica do you agree that you will be enjoying yourself?” I turned around and hugged Harrison as I went to my toes to kiss him.

“I sure I will enjoy being his date…”

Story to be continued…

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