New writer can someone proof read my story

Printer-friendly version

Forums: 

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Dean wakes up in the middle of the night to find himself lying on the floor with blood covered over him. He is sluggish in his stance trying to get up because of the blood on the ground, he is trying to check his body for any wounds to see if he is the cause of the blood on the ground as he checks his self he notice there are no wounds or open cuts to his body and trying to figure out where did this blood come from. As he looks around in the room it is very strange to him that the place is not his own the room smells like rotten eggs he gains his composure as he is trying to figure out how did he get there in the first place. The place is very old and creepy looking like as if he was in a haunted house there were old pictures, cob webs, old furniture, and odd-looking statues. As he looks around in the room he notice there is a blood trail going out of the door so now his mind is racing like “What the F#$%” so now he is starting to panic as he is breathing faster he is starting to think of horrible images in his brain like “I’m next?” whoever was here before me must have had it a lot worse because of the amount of blood on the ground. Dean starts pacing in the little room that he is in trying to check if there are any ways to escape from there as he is looking there’s nothing like a window or anything to help aid his escape plan. Little does he knows that the place is actually a killing room where mafia members kill anybody that has witness a murder, snitch on the organization, or question people for information that room has only one way out and its through that door where the blood is going out to. Now that Dean doesn’t have a plan of escape he is pacing the room trying to figure out what to do as he is pacing he starts to look for anything he can find to use as a weapon for when someone comes through that door he can defend his self so as he is looking around the room high and low for anything he finds something that looked kind of long like a stick or pipe it was kind of rusty looking like it’s been there for a long time as he pulls it out he starts brushing it off and little to what he knew it was a sword out of all things he was kind of shocked that he found something in the place so now he gains a bit of confidence now that he has the sword to help him defend himself as he is waiting he tries to figure out a plan now when someone comes through that door as he is trying to plan his defense for whoever comes through that door he starts to hear something the voices are kind of faint in back as he tries to get a better listen he slowly creeps to the door to try to hear what the people are trying to say. There are two guys outside talking about the last guy that was in the room before Dean was there. The men start to talk about how that last guy that was in the room had been a police informant to try to put down the mafia family with all his information that he had gather while being a part of the crime underworld to use against them so the big boss ordered the two men to go find him and kill him because he if talks the family would be put in jail for a long time as they are talking they start to talk about Dean the guys are waiting for the call from the big boss to decide what they are going to do with him. Dean’s body start to tighten up as he overheard what the two men was saying about him, his mind is tripping out because he don’t know what’s going to happen to him so know he has to prepare himself for them before they come in the room. Dean is trying figure out how did he wind up in the mafia hands because he don’t recall doing business with them or having anything to do with them at all than his mind becomes much clear now as he starts to think back, he now slowly starts to remember now why he may have been there. It was about 3 years ago when I started up my car business one of my friends named Carl that had close ties with the crime underworld had stop by the building I was looking at to start my car business I told Carl that one day I will have enough money to buy this building than Carl looked at him and said what if I could help you get that money a lot sooner? Dean looking very surprised that Carl would help him because he knows he is with the wrong people and tells Carl that’s ok I’ll find a way to raise that money for the shop. Carl said he had a plan to make enough money to quit the crime underworld and live off the money I make after this one deal. Dean starts to think about it because he wants to start his business as soon as possible so he asks Carl when he can get the money to him. Carl Then replies to Dean that he will get the money for him in a few days now Dean is very overwhelm with joy that he will be able to become a business owner very soon they shook hands own the deal and Carl left. Little did Dean know that Carl had a plan to steal money from a very powerful crime family that had a lot of money. So the next few days Carl was planning how he was going to steal the money from the family so he started to make the plan because the family had a money house that he had his mind on due to the ties he had with the underworld he would have to get some help so he found another guy to help him which his name was Paul. Paul was a very crazy person he was in the military until he got out because he wanted to make real money so he used what the military had taught him so he became a hired gun man. Carl knew this was the man he needed to pull of this job because he will need someone to pull the trigger when the heat starts coming on him. So he went to go search for him in the crime underworld he was searching every bar and club that he think he would might be in but he was unable to find him in any place that he had looked as he was just about to abandon his search he saw this clean-cut guy in the window with a sharp suit on reading a book and trying to figure out was that him or not as he glanced in the shop to see that was him or not the guy slowly turned his face towards him and with no sound or real movement that was not the guy he was looking for but as soon as started to walk away this man puts a gun in his back and tell him “follow me in the alley” so as scared as he was he could not do nothing but what the man has asked him to do so they went in to the alley way. The guy started to ask him questions like “are you 5-0, a narc, or something?” Carl told him he was not a cop or anything but was looking for someone then the guy asked who are you looking for? So Carl then told the man he is looking for a guy name Paul have you heard of this man? Carl does not know but Paul has found him with the gun in his back he starts a chuckle when he asked him do I know Paul. So the guy said he knew of the man and told him to turn around so Carl turned around slowly because he was not sure was he going to shoot him as soon as he turn around or what so after he turned around the guy told him he was Paul and he put away his gun. Carl was at ease when he told him that because he thought he was not going to find him and his plan would not work so Paul had to make sure he was not a cop because he heard someone was looking for me around the area so he was very cautious so he didn’t want to take any chances after that he told Carl what does he want from him? So he explained that he needed a hired gun man to help him rob the biggest crime families house in return he would share a profit big enough to ease his money problems. Paul was very intrigued by his offer but he had a big name around town already so he didn’t want to draw attention to himself with the extra money he would have so he started to think about maybe leaving town and start over if he went along with the plan because with all that money he could go legit or anything that he could imagine with all that money he knew they had millions so with little in no time after he thought about the possibilities he agreed but he asked Carl do he have a plan? So Carl told him we would hit the house in three days because we need to set up surveillance around the place and track who goes in the building and who comes out. The plan is not very well thought of but kind of on the go but he ensures to Paul that it would work because no one is that stupid to rob them except us then they both started to laugh about it they went out to stores to buy all sorts of gadgets like cameras, video recorders, and anything that could help them be able to watch the house and see it. They went to embark on a trip to go to the house and see what they would be facing with so they can see and be able to make a report of the activity around the house because the house was so big it almost looked like a fortress the house was 2 stories high with a large front gate with cameras on the ends of the top floors surrounding the house there were maybe about 4 to 5 guards walking around the compound observing the grounds just watching everything that was going on it looked kind of impossible to get in the place but Paul said “piece of cake” so he wanted to use his ability to recon the house on the first day, he made a gillie suit so he could get closer to the house without being detected, so on the first day they needed to get the gadgets out by the house so Paul used his suit he made to get closer to the house each careful move he made inch by inch he slowly moved through the grass to avoid being detected by anyone at the house because the house was very big so as he got close enough to the gate he saw one of the guards get closer to the gate so Paul stop and watch him very closely the guard starts walking closer and closer to Paul as he gets closer Paul starts to get his knife ready for when he is expose so as the guard is getting so close to Paul he stops like a foot away from him on the ground and throws his cigarette butt right next to Paul’s face then turns around and starts walking towards the house Paul was very nervous because he didn’t want to raise any alarms on the first day after the guard went away he check the area for any other guards around the area but he could not see anyone so he look up at the cameras on the roof to see how long he had before they would turn back his way so he timed it at 10 seconds so he moved quickly and set his camera around the grounds to watch the house as he is setting up the camera he his make a map so when they both get in the compound it will be a piece of cake soon after he started to make his way up the wall so he can set up another camera to see where the guards walk around after he had set up that camera he moves down off the wall to the ground making his exit back away from the house so they can make the plan. With everything set up to see the house they go back home to rest because of the long day they had so they can start fresh the next day so they parted ways and with about their ways until tomorrow so the first day was a pretty good experience. The next day Carl and Paul took an all black painted car like a impala like the old police cars and made their way close by the house today to watch the activities so they can make their plan work out as they are watching the house they notice a big grey looking van almost the size of a bread truck show up to the house it was all white with a big sign on the side of the van that said Millers Dry Cleaning so to them they looked kind of confused what big van comes drop off a lot of clothes to this house so they thought it had been a decoy to hide what there were doing like a money laundering store front so all their dirty money can turn clean money so the van makes it way to the gate the guy rings the bell then the guards go to the van and checks the person out to make sure he is here for the right reason after they check him out they let him into the compound where he proceeds to the back of the house to make the pickup of money so the guy exits the van then see’s the person he needs to meet with and the man gives him bag after bags of money to put in his truck it was maybe about 30 — 40 bags of money like duffel bags so the man mention to the guy after he gives him the last bag “this money better not come up missing because if it do you will be on a milk carton” the man ensures him that the money will make it to its site with all the money intact then the guy close the doors then drives his truck towards the gate to get let out so he can go to the store, the guard lets him out then he is on his way to the store. Carl and Paul see’s the van pulling out of the gate into the road so they start to tail him to the store front , as they are driving they are wondering how much money is in the truck because they just take the truck but it’s too risky now to do because we don’t have enough information yet so they follow the truck all the way to the store front and park down the road so the wont been seen as the guy get to the store front he gets some help to unload the truck to the store after the last bag is drop off the guy stays in the store for a few hours then he gets in his truck after they notice he got back in truck they start to follow him so they can kidnap him so they can use him for their robbery of the house. Carl makes a plan to bump him with the car that they have to get his attention so he could stop and pull over so as they are driving down the road Carl bumps the van down the road then the man pulls over to stop his van then he exits the van to go talk to Carl in why he hit is van as soon as he exits the van Paul pulls out a big gun like a dessert-eagle or something it was gold-plated you can see it shining from a mile away he starts to exit the impala as the man is close enough to Carl he quickly ran over gun in his face telling him “do you want to live or die” so man is so scared he starts to mutter p-p-please don’t kill me, p-p-please don’t kill me to Paul so then he starts to tell Paul he’ll do anything just don’t kill me so Paul tells him to get back in the van so the man goes towards the van and gets followed by Paul back into the van. Carl tells Paul to follow him so they took off in both vehicles down this road until they got to an abandon warehouse where they took the guy too, so Paul took the man out of the van into the warehouse Carl was right behind him walking until they got inside once inside Paul starts questioning him. Paul ask him when is the next delivery made in a loud tone to him so they can plan their next move on the house the man is shaking then utters t-t-the next one is tomorrow, then they ask what time then he says with another utter s-s-same time as today so now they start to figure out how they are going to use him for the job so they tell him that Paul is going to ride with you on the next pickup and you are going to drop the money off as this same place I will be following you to make sure no one is following you so after they explain the plan to the guy we also tell him that we going to cut him in on a share so he could disappear after the job was over but not really they are going to kill him after the job so after they let him go from the warehouse but Carl gives him a burner phone so he could be contact for the plan then Paul and Carl went to their safe house to fix the plan the in motion for the next day so they go over the plan so Paul will meet up with the guy a bit earlier so it does not cause any suspicion to the plan after he picks you up from the warehouse he will take you the compound and pick up the money after that you will come back to the warehouse we will unload the bags then after all the bags get loaded in our getaway vehicle we will kill the man. Paul then agrees to Carl plan so now it’s set in place now we wait till tomorrow for the big score they both part ways again and return their places just ready for the next day to come so. The sun is shining and its new day so the guys are ready for today Carl calls Paul up to make sure he is ready for today and Paul confirms that he is ready for today then he calls the van guy to let them know that we are ready for him to meet them at the warehouse in a while so the guys tells him he will be there so the plan is in motion this is the day they have waiting for the biggest pay out in their pockets they put this plan up really well and can wait to get this money. Carl gets out of his bed then grabs his stuff then he grabs the keys for the impala then he is out the door he gets inside and starts the engine then he his own his way to pick up Paul once at his place he tell him that he wants to switch with him going in the van so Paul agrees to the switch no questions asked so they are on the road heading to the warehouse to meet the van guy Paul starts loading his guns for the job for when a shoot out will happen they are ready for it…………… To be continued

First step...

paragraph breaks.

Lot of repeated "blood" in the first few sentences, but I couldn't get past that due the formatting.

Verb tense is in the present tense. That tense is VERY hard to write in, trust me. Consider changing it to past tense.

-- Sleethr

Tense situations...

Puddintane's picture

I've heard the present tense referred to as the "joke" tense, because one typically finds it in jokes, especially those of the shaggy dog variety:

This rabbit walks into a bar and he says, "Where's that dog of a hare that bit me!"

It's very difficult to sustain, and usually contrary to the way people normally talk, unless the story is told as pure reportage, as if one were transcribing a minute-by-minute daily log:

It's Friday morning, the beginning of the day shift, and my partner and I are working the burglary detail out of Southside Station. A call comes in.

Ordinarily, when one tells a story, especially a story about an incident that actually happened, one uses the past tense:

On November 22, 1963, I was walking in from the pool after my synchronised swimming class when I saw a bunch of girls standing around near the entrance to the Oakland High School auditorium crying. I couldn't understand it until I saw my friend Marcia, and then she told me, her face contorted with fear and sorrow, "President Kennedy has been shot!"

Note that telling this particular story as if it were transpiring right now would ring false in the reader's mind, assuming that the reader is not a time-traveller.

Even the television show, Dragnet, which used present tense quite a bit, usually used it to differentiate between the set-up and live action, with anything happening in which there would be sound effects and actual events presented in the present tense, as people do when talking to one another, unless they're actually talking about the past. We say, "Hello, how are you feeling?" not "...how were you feeling?"

-

Cheers,

Puddin'

A tender heart is an asset to an editor: it helps us be ruthless in a tactful way.
--- The Chicago Manual of Style

Wall of text hurts! :)

erica jane's picture

Here's my suggestion:

Go back to your writing software that you were using, and have it export to html.

Open that page in your favorite web browser, then you want to View Page Source.

Copy the lines of the source that has your actual text in it, and try posting that. It should be a lot less Juggernaut of Text and more readable prose.

:) I hope this helps.

~And so it goes...

Really Scary

You seem to be using periods to separate paragraphs instead of sentences. (The one beginning "They went to embark..." appears to be about 450 words long.)

The good news is that if you put in a line break (and a blank line) every time there's a period it'll become much more readable. After you've done that, the next thing to do would be to divide each paragraph into sentences each time a new thought begins.

It'll still need a lot of work after it gets to that point, but you probably know that.

From a more basic story standpoint, nearly the whole chapter consists of a flashback involving characters we haven't met (and probably won't) -- and it isn't even finished by the end of the chapter. It seems to me that it's going to be difficult to concentrate on Dean's dilemma until we get through this, which suggests to me that you might want to consider cutting the detail way back and getting more directly to the results of Carl's plan.

My impression to this point is that we don't need to know how Carl did this. We may need to know how it came out, but our primary concern is to find out why the underworld captured Dean, who doesn't even seem to be involved, except as someone who will borrow the cash from Carl later.

Hope that's a little help. Always good to see new writers here. But I'm afraid that you're going to have trouble getting anyone to look seriously at putting this in order until you've taken further steps with it. (Unless you're willing to pay a pro to do it.) We do have a lot of helpful people here -- me included -- and maybe I'm wrong, but I don't know how many would start from something this far from ready.

(I'm probably not the guy you need anyway, I had no idea what a ghillie suit was (that's the proper spelling, according to Urban Dictionary) until I looked it up online.)

Best, Eric

O.o Ouch!

Sadarsa's picture

That made my eyes hurt just glancing at it! lol

Paragraph breaks! and Double spacing!!

after that i might try to read it :)

~Your only Limitation is your Imagination~

some advice.

This looks promising. Please resubmit after looking over the critiques you got.

1. go back to your writing software. have it put in double spaces for each paragraph.
2. run the spelling checker.
3. If the upload and/or paste does not give you appropriate spacing, then manually put it in. Only Faulkner and Prost, in my memory, could get away with wall-text.
4. Present Tense. Using it will grow uh.. on your ah... Most writers decide that they would rather be "creative" in past tense, or horrors subjunctive...for pages.

5. If you are looking for some brutally honest detailed critiques, get a free membership over at Critique Circle. The coin of the realm is that you have to critique other writers' work. The credit from that is used to post your work. This forced reading of same and not-the-same genre as I write in has forced me to "grow up."

I am at CC with the same writer id Syzygym.
http://www.critiquecircle.com/customqueue.asp?action=lookup&...

Novel in progress, Matryoschka Sara, a love story available at Matryoschka Sarah, a love story