Happily Ever After
Book 3 of Me and Sam
by Darla Raspberry
As Book Three of the story of "Me And Sam" opens, the young teens return from their honeymoon. Joan wonders and worries how it's all ever going to work out.
Happily Ever After?
by Darla Raspberry
Chapter 1
What A Wonderful World
We said our goodbyes as Sam ushered me into the waiting limousine. Wherever we were headed, it couldn’t be far away as we both had to be home by Wednesday evening. No, not due to parental restraints, we just had things to tend to. Sam had the rest of his baseball season and I had a few painting jobs lined up for late in the week.
"So, where are you taking me sweetheart?" I asked again and was starting to get a wee bit annoyed with all the secrecy.
"Darling, I’m afraid it isn’t going to be the honeymoon that you deserve," he said with a tear in his eye.
I began to feel bad. What had I been expecting? Hell, it didn’t matter where we went as long as we were together. I quickly apprised Sam of that fact and hugged him tightly. The limo continued its trek down the coast. We finally arrived at our destination. Sea Bright was a resort town much like our own but catered to a more upscale crowd.
Three days and nights at Harrow House, an exclusive resort hotel. Everything about the area just seemed a bit cleaner. Sam and I walked boldly up to the front desk to check in. Thankfully, we didn’t look like a couple of lost kids in search of their parents.
"Mr. And Mrs. Sam Peters," his voice boomed proudly to the desk clerk. His pronouncement left me feeling very strange. Perhaps I should have paid more attention to "the sign post up ahead." Clearly we were now in the Twilight Zone. The clerk smiled sheepishly as he turned the guest book around for Sam to sign in. He leered at me just a bit. Perhaps I was becoming a bit paranoid?
How did I get here? Less than two short months ago I was a thirteen year old boy wondering just how I was going to spend my summer vacation. Now, I was married and living my life as a female. Maybe I should have had some of that champagne?
"But Sam!" I exclaimed as the bell captain showed us to our suite. "How on earth did you ever afford this?" Our room was on the second floor and had a small ocean front balcony. He simply smiled at me and told me that everything was taken care of. I came to find out much later that our parents had chipped in for the trip. Life was strange and getting stranger.
Sam had only one thing on his mind and quickly dragged me over to the bed. With one kiss, I realized that I had no regrets, none whatsoever. We cuddled in each other’s arms for the longest time. Both of us were out of our element and unsure how to proceed.
His hands began gently stroking my body as I felt his own tension building. He climbed on top of me and smiled down. All of my worries slipped away. It was total ecstasy. Still, in the back of my mind I began worrying about what would happen when we returned home. As hard as I tried to simply live "in the moment," I found that I couldn’t let go.
"What’s wrong Joan?" he asked me. I didn’t want to worry him needlessly. His own life was changing more radically than mine was. His look of concern wouldn’t abate and I knew that a response was required. I had to tell him of my worries. This was the person that I’d pledged my life to.
"I’m just worried about what lies ahead, Sam," I stated as vaguely as I could. With that he cupped my head and drew me to his bosom. I was both relieved and dismayed by his actions. I should be the one with the blossoming breasts, not Sam. He cooed gently in my ear and stroked my head till I eventually fell asleep in his arms.
It was nine o’clock when he finally shook me awake. "Come on sweetheart, I’ve got to eat something!" Remembering that he was eating for three, I voiced no complaint as I hustled out of bed and donned a pair of jeans and top.
Our first meal alone together as husband and wife and we found ourselves dining at a Burger King. I chuckled slightly at the situation. Sam attempted to order for me, but I quickly cut him off. I could see that I was going to have to assert myself just a bit more if this relationship was going to work.
With our food finished, we went for a stroll on the boards. I didn’t see much of my surroundings, I only had eyes for Sam. The next two days and nights went by in a blur as we did everything young people in love do. Finally, it was time to head back to reality.
At least we had arrived by limousine, I thought as we waited our turn to board the bus. Sam held my hand protectively as he escorted me to my seat. He was the perfect gentleman. "Well sweetheart, what now?" I asked him. Were we headed back to my house, to his house, or were we to be separated once again?
I’d have enjoyed our time together a bit more if we’d worked all of that out before heading off in the first place. The ride home was uneventful. I found myself absentmindedly rubbing his tummy as we proceeded to our destination. In less than seven months time there would be two more mouths to feed! I hoped my children would have a better relationship with their grandparents than I’d ever had.
Finally, the bus pulled into the depot. What now, I wondered as I grabbed our one suitcase down from the rack. Sam offered to carry it, but I insisted. We began the half mile journey home.
Shandy greeted us expectantly as we walked through the door. Her bark soon brought Aunt Melissa running out from the kitchen. "You’re Home!" she smiled and gave us both huge hugs. I began to feel a bit more at ease by her simple greeting. But, what now? I didn’t even have a bed! I became a bit disconcerted as I put our bag in the sewing room. Sam, quickly surveyed our surroundings. He shook his head from side to side, picked up the bag, and insisted we make our way over to his house.
I apologized to Aunt Melissa and told her we’d be back for dinner. She smiled at us a bit uneasily and I could tell she felt like an intruder in our home. I did my best to put her mind at ease as I followed my husband across the street. I couldn’t get thoughts of the kids out of my head. In my mind’s eye I tried to picture us five years hence. Sam and I, still in our teens with a couple of four year olds demanding our attention. Would they turn out as confused as we ourselves had been?
Aunt Alice was still at work as we entered his home. I couldn’t believe that I had no idea just what she did! I guess like most kids, it never really mattered to me. We slowly made our way up to his room. "This is alright for now, sweetheart," I informed him "but, once Aunt Melissa is gone, well, I hope we can return to my house?" I stated pleadingly.
He smiled at me and assured me that where we stayed was unimportant as long as we were together. That being said, I hugged him with a sense of urgency. My eyes quickly surveyed the room and I realized that I’d never really seen it before. Yes, I’d been in it hundreds of times, but now? Well, now all I saw was the mess! It was everywhere! No crevice was left uncovered, mostly with dirty clothes strewn about. I sighed as I began putting things in order. Sam made a feeble attempt at protest, but soon left me to my work.
He made his way down to the kitchen. I only hoped that he wouldn’t make good on his threat to make me a peanut butter sandwich. "There’s nothing to eat here!" he yelled up the stairs. "I’ll be back in a little bit," and with that he was gone. I had three piles of dirty laundry sorted on the floor and took the first load down to the basement. Our houses were exactly the same in size and shape, but Aunt Alice, like her son, was not into housework. I began to wonder if I’d now have TWO houses to maintain. I sighed in rebellion at the idea. Some changes were in order.
With the first load of laundry in, I began cleaning the room with a rag and a pail full of sudsy water. It was impossible to tell when the room had been cleaned last, if ever. I knew I didn’t want my children living in such a filthy environment. Sam was simply going to have to "clean up his act."
He returned shortly with a sub and a half. Presumably, the half was for me. Hell, he ate like a horse as it was and now he was eating for three. Besides, there was no way I could eat more than a half of one of those things.
Sam insisted on taking a nap after wolfing down the entire twelve inch hero. I made him wait while I put fresh linens on the bed first. I hauled the rest of the dirty clothes out into the hall and bade him goodnight. I put the second load of laundry in the machine and went over to visit with Aunt Melissa.
"So, did you miss me?" I yelled as I walked in the front door.
"Joan! You’re back!" I had to laugh at her statement.
"Aunt Melissa, I want to thank you for everything. Especially for being here with Mom. She’s been a bit on edge of late." I said it like I was telling her something she didn’t already know. "How did things wind up on Sunday?" I just had to ask.
"Well, your mother held up a lot better than I ever expected her to, or would have myself under the circumstances!" It was easy to see she was talking about Doreen. Yes, I’d never be able to forgive Doreen that, but, she’d befriended me and that went a long way in my book. I still can’t believe my father actually showed up and seemed to accept me. "Did you two have fun on your little getaway?" she asked me.
I turned several shades of red as I attempted to reply. Hell, we’d only ventured out of our room a few times and those were to eat. At length I told her that the trip had been wonderful. I made sure that she understood that Sam and I would stay over at Aunt Alice’s until she had to return home. Of course, I also told her that me and Sam would be by to sample her fine cooking. She laughed at that and asked me if I was ok. I considered her question for a moment or two before responding. Yes, we were beyond young and absurdly foolish, but I knew that I’d made the right decision. I only hoped that Sam shared my thoughts as well.
I thought I was a good housekeeper, but the house had taken on quite a shine since Aunt Melissa’s arrival. "Has anyone called you Mrs. Peters yet?" she asked me in serious mode. I considered her question and at length I had to admit that no one had. "Well, let me be the first then. Mrs. Peters, would you do me the honor of helping me prepare dinner?" she asked facetiously. I laughed at that and began making the salad. There was no shortage of food in our house as Mom and Aunt Mel had gone shopping anticipating our arrival. I asked her if she was ready to become a mother-in-law herself. She laughed at that and told me that she thought that Melissa had made a fine choice in finding her a proper son-in-law.
Just a week and a half remained before my cousin’s own wedding. I found my thoughts drifting back to the messy state of affairs across the street. My husband and mother-in-law were in need of a good talking to. I laughed at the absurdity of those thoughts, but was determined to follow through on them. I wouldn’t have my children raised in a pig sty. Six o’clock finally arrived and Mom, keeping perfect time arrived on the scene.
After tearful hugs and hellos, I headed back across the street to retrieve Sam. He seemed a lot more relaxed when I awakened him with a kiss. "Sam, dinner’s ready," I whispered and laughed. I knew if there was a way to get him out of bed, it was with the mention of food. Sam slowly got up from the bed and got dressed.
I’d already asked Aunt Alice (doubt that I’ll ever get used to calling her Mom) to join us. She hugged Sam tightly as he descended into the living room. "I love you sweetheart," she whispered in his ear. In all the years I’d known her, that was the first time I’d ever heard her utter those very important words to Sam. He gushed a bit and we made our way over to Casa Johnson.
Apparently the Moms had been in contact while Sam and I were away. Their plan called for us to split time between the two houses. I didn’t see how that could work in the final analysis, but I didn’t want to rock the boat. I reasoned that it would all work itself out in the end.
Aunt Melissa’s Beef Burgundy was a smashing success as all of her dishes were. And, although Sam had gone to bed with a full stomach, he managed to shovel down more than his share of the food. After dinner was finished, I managed to get Sam to help me to clean up. That in and of itself was no easy task. "You know, I do have practice tomorrow," he whined.
"Yea, yea, yea, well, consider this part of your getting back in shape program then," I harangued. He smiled at me and actually did more than his share. It was now Wednesday evening. I hadn’t even given any thought to the band or what was going to happen now. It seemed that my life was overloaded with responsibilities. Sam, housework, my job, the band, and in a very short time school and then, the twins. I needed to get organized and get my life prioritized. Could I possibly handle it all? I sighed aloud as we finished our task.
"Joan, would you mind if I went and played some ball with the guys?" he asked me as we finished. The guys? When had he had a chance to talk to them? My expression conveyed my thoughts without words. He laughed a bit before responding. "We sort of made plans to meet at the park on Wednesday evening before we left on Sunday," he said.
For the first time in my life I felt uneasy about Sam’s actions. He was carrying our babies and it seemed to me he wasn’t giving their well being any consideration at all. I choked back those thoughts and told him I thought he should go and have some fun. I also advised him to remember his condition and to please be careful. I couldn’t watch him every minute of every day. Sam thanked everyone for everything and headed out to join the boys. I hadn’t made any plans of my own. I decided to go and give Darla a call.
"Darla!" I screamed when I heard her voice over the wire. "How are you?" I could almost see her smiling into the phone.
"Joan!" she screamed back at me. We both stopped and started giggling for no reason at all.
"Are you busy this evening?" I asked her.
"Why don’t you just come on over," she said without expending any more words. I told her I’d be over in about half an hour. We said our goodbyes and I went to announce my departure to the grand parents. I giggled aloud at the thought of Mom and Aunt Alice being grandmas. I ran up to the bathroom and applied full makeup. I was a sophisticated married lady after all.
I told Mom I’d be home by ten and pedaled over to the Raspberries. It almost seemed silly seeking permission now, but I was just a fourteen year old kid after all. I found myself wondering whether Fred and Darla had gotten together in my absence. He was a bit old for us at this point in our lives. I believe from a legal perspective we were what was commonly referred to as "jail bait." I knew that Aunt Viv and Dr. Bob would never allow anything untoward to happen to Darla. She was their pride and joy.
Darla and I hugged continually upon my arrival. We finally released each other but couldn’t stop smiling. That little piece of paper seemed to have changed everything. I’d never been a carefree kid, but all seemed to be just a bit more somber now. "So, how’ve you been," I asked her. With no response forthcoming, I went on. "Anything happening with you and Fred?"
She looked about to burst and finally, it all came pouring out. "Joan, he kissed me! It was wonderful." It seemed Darla and I had something else in common. Fred had been the first boy that either of us had kissed.
"I hope you’re using protection," I said and laughed. She gave me a good shot in the arm and I knew not to tease her any more in that fashion.
"So, tell me all about your honeymoon," she begged.
"Darla, I’m not the kind of girl to kiss and tell," I replied somewhat cheekily.
"Well, tell me about the rest of it then," she persisted.
"What rest of it?" I asked and began laughing all over again. I told her about our stay at Harrow House. It seems she and the family had visited the facility before. I went on to explain that the two best things about the trip were having my freedom and having Sam by my side. Her look was one of pure envy. I was hoping to get a chance to chat with Aunt Vivian, but she was out for the evening. I’d have to call her up and schedule an appointment for next week. Darla began pestering me about band practice and told me that Fred was getting nervous about the future of our endeavor. I finally gave in and told her to set something up for Sunday.
She picked up the phone and dialed his number while I stood there waiting. They seemed more than at ease with one another. It was clear to me at least that some kind of bond had been forged between them. I was happy about that. If we were going to do this thing, I wouldn’t want to do it without Darla backing us up. We made arrangements for a long practice session starting on Sunday afternoon. I found myself hoping that I didn’t run into any conflicts with Sam about it.
Hell, for the next few weeks at least, Sam would be too wrapped up in baseball to worry about what I was doing. I still had to sit Mom down and talk to her about the coming fall semester. There was no way I was returning to school as "John." Would simply being Joan make me the target of convenience for everyone else at school? There was another middle school within equal walking distance in the other direction, but I definitely didn’t want to be separated from Sam as we continued our education.
Darla ended her conversation with Fred and shook me gently out of my reverie. "Are you alright Joan?" she asked with more than a hint of concern in her voice.
I told her that I was fine, but also explained my fears for the future. Sam and I were indeed proceeding where "No one had gone before," at least not in these parts. She hugged me and assured me that she and Sally would be beside me every step of the way. I then found myself wondering whether Sam had told Billy and company about the twins. I was reasonably sure that Billy still had the hots for Sam. Despite having been Sam’s "best man," I doubted that he’d take it well.
Then, there were the potential news stories. What happened when the county league’s best pitcher was found out to be a genetic female? Would Sam be barred forever from future participation? I knew that his love of baseball wasn’t something that was ever going to just go away. I found myself wanting to go into total shutdown mode and bury myself under the covers as everything else continued to unfold around me. I was determined not to fall apart under the pressure.
Darla shook me yet again in attempt to garner my attention. I smiled at her and assured her that I was back (for now) from my journey. We spent the rest of the evening talking and listening to music. Darla came up with a few songs she wanted us to learn. I listened to them politely, but was happy to defer to Fred on that front for now. It was closing in on time for me to leave. There would be no calls home asking if it was alright if I spent the night. What had I gotten myself into?
We said our goodbyes and I asked her to tell her mother to expect an appointment from me regarding a session next week. I asked her in passing if she’d like to come to the baseball game with me on Saturday. It turned out she was going to hit the beach with Fred. I smiled at her admission and wished her a lovely time. My mind drew a blank as I considered what was awaiting me upon my return home. It was just after nine-thirty as I locked my bike in the garage.
The three ladies were still where I’d left them earlier. They seemed more at ease with everything than I myself did. "Hi!" I shouted as I came into the room. "Has anyone heard from Sam?"
Aunt Alice informed me that he was across the street waiting for me. Instead of feeling joy and relief, I found myself feeling a bit anxious and ill at ease. I gathered up a pair of pajamas and the two teddy bears and bade them all goodnight. I reminded Mom that tomorrow was indeed a work day and not to stay up too late. The three of them laughed in unison at my pronouncement. I hadn’t intended it as a joke. I gave Shandy a huge hug and set off for my destination.
Sam was mindlessly watching something on television and chomping down on some nachos. I was beyond glad that he’d left the alcohol behind. For that matter, I hadn’t had a cigarette all day and was determined not to give into the temptation for this one day.
"So, how did your practice go?" I just had to ask. He simply smiled at me and told me he was ready for anything. I only hoped that he was ready for his appointment with Dr. Feingold in the morning.
We made out on the sofa for awhile and finally I cajoled him into coming to bed. I shunned the pajamas and slept in the nude with Sam on one side of me and Josam and Teddy on the other…
Joan and Sam reacquaint themselves with the real world
Chapter 2
Be My Baby
It took me awhile to get to sleep and I found it almost impossible to remain in that state. Sam wasn’t up for any fooling around and drifted off quickly with his arm and leg draped over me possessively. This was what I’d wanted, wasn’t it? Why was I having these gnawing doubts about everything? If I had the chance, I’d definitely take a few days and just go off by myself somewhere. The weight of the entire situation was beginning to drag me down.
Finally, the morning arrived and I made good use of the shower. It was almost eight o’clock by the time I’d finished and Sam was still sleeping soundly. I felt out of place here at Aunt Alice’s. I found myself missing my room, my dog, and yes, even my mother. It still gave me great joy to stand there and watch Sam sleeping. He looked so peaceful. Totally at ease with the world. I envied his outlook.
I did a few more loads of laundry and checked out the food situation. I slowly shook my head from side to side as I viewed the mountain of frozen foods in the freezer. After taking a total inventory, I realized that they didn’t even have cheerios. I began to wonder if I’d ever feel like anything other than a visitor who’d overstayed her welcome here.
I made my way back upstairs. It was time for my husband to awaken. "Sam, sweetheart, it’s time to get up," I cajoled as best I could. He grabbed Josam and covered his head with the stuffed toy. "Darling come on, you’ve got a doctor’s appointment, remember?" I reminded.
He slowly arose from the bed. He didn’t seem at all happy about it. That was one thing that he and Mom had in common. They could both sleep forever and through anything. I made some coffee (instant, yuck!) while I waited for him to finish his shower. The smell of the coffee was more than I could take and I soon found myself sitting on the back steps with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. There would be no more smoking in the houses. I wondered how Mom would react to that?
Aunt Melissa had agreed to chauffeur us to Dr. Feingold’s office. I hoped I’d be able to convince her to stop at the food store on the way back. While there was plenty of food at our house, there was little of nutritional value at Sam’s. Just one more way to spend my money. I couldn’t very well ask Aunt Alice for grocery money, could I?
Sam looked radiant as he made his way into the kitchen. His smile was inspirational. He stared greedily at my coffee and was angry when I refused to share. I reminded him of Dr. Feingold’s insistence that he fast, as she wanted to do some blood work. At last I had him ready to head on over to my house.
Aunt Melissa seemed in fine spirits as I greeted Shandy hello. I could tell that my baby missed me. Even though she paid more attention to anyone else, she was still my baby. Sam was starting to get a bit angry as his sense of smell focused on the aroma of left over eggs and sausages. I told Aunt Mel that we’d be waiting for her outside and quickly ushered him out of the kitchen.
.
We made the short trip to the medical center in silence. Everything seemed perfect health wise, but you could never be too careful, I guess? Dr. Feingold’s office was relatively empty when we arrived. Sam went and signed in and the three of us took our seats in the waiting room. I’d never really known anyone who was pregnant before. That sounds crazy, I know, but I had no experience in this area whatsoever.
At last, the good doctor came and collected Sam herself. She had a huge smile for the Waves’ best pitcher. I knew better than to make the attempt to accompany Sam. Besides, Aunt Melissa had grabbed my arm to restrain me as I tried to join them. It seemed she didn’t know what to say either. She made several attempts at conversation, but I had no idea what she was going on about. We sat there waiting as two strangers might while waiting for a bus.
There was only one thing on my mind this morning: the twins. It seemed like Sam was gone for an inordinately long time. I finally found myself pacing the waiting room. At last, Sam came through the office door with a huge smile on his face. I heaved an unintentionally enthusiastic sigh of relief. It seemed he was indeed in perfect health, but the doctor had prescribed some special vitamins for the duration. Dr. Feingold also came over and greeted us. She actually thanked me for taking such good care of Sam. I responded by turning several shades of crimson and smiled blankly at her in return.
Another appointment was made for four weeks hence and we headed off to the local supermarket. I was determined to provide a healthy diet for my husband. Lots of fruits and vegetables as well as sufficient lean protein and the like. It became exasperating as I had to keep removing junk food from our cart as we strolled up and down the aisles. I thought about relenting a bit, but I realized that Sam needed a firm hand in regards to nutrition. I could be the bad guy if that’s what it took.
We arrived back at Sam’s and I spent the next hour and a half cleaning out the refrigerator and putting everything away. Hell, they didn’t even have real coffee. Yes, I know that coffee is not on anyone’s list of nutritional requirements but my own. Half an hour later I had the coffee pot, which had been sitting dirty on the kitchen counter for what could have been eons, cleaned and soon had fresh grounds brewing.
While I slaved away in the kitchen, Sam had found his way back to bed. I couldn’t begrudge him his sleep. Although he put on a brave front, I’m sure he was having his doubts as well. Just the odor of fresh coffee brewing lifted my spirits. I poured myself a cup and sat down at the kitchen table and began to compile a "to do" list. It seemed I wouldn’t have to worry about cleaning our house for the time being. Aunt Melissa took better care of it than I ever did. She’d surely be missed when it was time for her to leave.
It had been over an hour since Sam went to lie down and I knew that he had baseball practice this afternoon. Not wishing for a grumpy repeat performance of this morning’s activities, I brought a cup of coffee up into his room. "Sam, time to get up," I whispered again. He grumbled a bit but finally opened his eyes and reached for the coffee..
"You’ve got ball practice, remember?"
I could tell he was considering skipping the entire affair. "If you’d rather sleep sweetheart, go ahead, it’s ok." That was what he needed to hear to get him in motion. A little reverse psychology did the trick. "Lunch will be ready in fifteen minutes darling," I whispered as I made my way down the stairs.
I began to wonder how he’d ever grown so big and strong on the garbage that Aunt Alice provided. I made him a salad and a half pound burger (extra lean beef, of course). That would have to hold him till dinnertime. Sam voiced a few complaints about the funny tasting lettuce. I began laughing as I realized he hadn’t recognized the spinach for what it was. He finished up, kissed me goodbye, and told me he’d be home for dinner.
I put on my painting clothes and made my way over to the Cohen home. Ben and Ida Cohen had moved here from Pennsylvania a number of years ago. I surveyed the work they wanted done and told them it was going to cost in the neighborhood of three hundred dollars. They both seemed a bit dismayed at my estimate, but made no complaints. I called Aunt Mel and told her that I wouldn’t be home for dinner. I wasn’t leaving till the job was finished.
Seven thirty rolled around and I began dragging my feet. I still had a fair amount of trim work to do. Although I’d wanted to finish the job in one shot, that wasn’t going to happen. I bade the Cohens farewell and told them I’d see them bright and early in the morning. I arrived home at eight and headed straight for the shower. I needed the feeling of just being "home" no matter how temporary it might be.
I found myself wondering if I could actually do this. No, not being Joan, but being married and living someplace that wasn’t "home." I missed things the way they were. Hell, I found myself missing my sanding block! Hopefully, these feelings would pass. I grabbed a change of clothes out of my dresser and headed downstairs. Mom and Aunt Mel greeted me when I walked into the kitchen.
"And why aren’t you with your husband?" Mom asked. A feeling of terror suddenly encompassed me. I really needed to get away. I told Mom and Aunt Mel that I was going out for a bit. If Sam called they were to tell him I’d be home by ten. I didn’t hang around waiting for any kind of response. I grabbed my purse and made my exit.
I found myself strolling aimlessly on the boards. It all felt different somehow. Things just seemed a little darker, a little dingier. Why was I feeling so down? I bought a soda and a slice and sat at a table mindlessly munching pizza. I’d never felt so alone before in my life. Sitting here surrounded by literally thousands of people and I felt desolate. I finished eating and found that I didn’t feel like doing anything. Didn’t want to see anyone, talk to anyone. I just wanted to be alone. I made my way down to the beach and sat at ocean’s edge, just out of its reach.
Had it really been less than a month ago when Fred found me serenading the waves? He kissed me. I found myself remembering it fondly. Now I guessed he was kissing Darla. Was I ok with that? What was happening to me? I folded my arms over my knees and rested my head against them. Everything just seemed overwhelming.
This should be a very happy time for me. I had everything I’d ever wanted; Sam, friends, a good paying job, parents who loved me, my goal of really becoming Joan was well under way. Why then was I so distraught? The fact that I had no answers to that added to my stress. It was already after ten and I knew that I had to make my way back to the Peters’ household. I really didn’t want to go there. For a few moments I considered running away. It was thoughts of the twins that kept me where I was.
I knew that if I simply took off that their lives could be in danger. No, I wasn’t positive that that was the case, but it was more than a possibility. I bought a small floral bouquet and headed back "home."
Sam smiled at me as I entered. He came over and gave me a big hug and asked if I was alright. I began shaking slightly in his arms with both of my hands wrapped around him while I tightly held the flowers in my hand. I had to keep my game face on for him. I couldn’t let him see the real me hiding just beneath the surface. We continued to hold one another and I told him in as enthusiastic voice as I could muster that all was well.
I handed him the small bouquet and told him I hoped he liked them. He gave me a bit of a strange look, but took the carnations and placed them in a vase. They weren’t much to look at, but their scent was wonderful. He asked me if I was hungry. I told him that I could eat. I sat at the kitchen table while he prepared a salad with fresh tuna sprinkled throughout.
"You know, you could have told me that the lettuce was spinach," he said and laughed. I laughed with him and replied that I didn’t think he’d have eaten it if he’d known. He kept the conversation light and began talking about the game on Saturday. He actually asked me if Darla was coming too. I explained that Darla had made other plans. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that but for the twins, I probably wouldn’t be going either. I had absolutely no desire whatsoever to sit through a baseball game.
I knew there wasn’t anything I could do to protect them but just being there would make me feel better somehow. I finished eating and Sam did the cleaning up. I smiled up at him. We made our way into the living room and Sam made a few feeble attempts to engage me in sexual activity. He could tell that I wasn’t in the mood and soon gave up on the idea.
We headed up to bed and both simply crawled in. This would be the first time we shared a bed together without engaging in any kind of sexual activity. He fell asleep while I gently scratched his back.
Friday morning arrived and I woke up feeling a bit more restored. I’d never experienced mood swings such as I’d been having the last few days. Could it have been the hormones, I wondered? I was only glad that this morning I felt alright. Having showered last night I decided to skip it this morning. A splash of cold water on my face was all that I needed to get started on my day.
Aunt Alice was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of "real" coffee in her hands. "I see somebody went food shopping yesterday," she said as I entered the room. "You know, there’s plenty of food in the freezer," she continued. I wasn’t quite sure how to handle the situation. I didn’t want to start a fight with her. I simply replied with an "oh," poured myself a cup and sat down at the table. I longed for my own kitchen.
I guessed that a good part of my depression was tied to simply being here. I wanted to go home. I had no idea what time Sam planned on getting up. I had to eat something and get myself to work. "Would you like some breakfast Aunt Alice?" I asked her.
"I thought I told you to call me Mom?" she replied. My discomfort level jumped a notch. I just couldn’t call her that. How could I even tell her without getting her upset?
"Well, would you like something?" I tried again, this time leaving off her "name" completely. She knew what I was doing and didn’t make an issue of it. I wound up making us both some scrambled eggs. With breakfast finished and the kitchen in order I made my way across the street. It was crazy I know, but I needed to see Shandy.
The dog seemed beyond happy to see me. She greeted me at the front door and jumped relentlessly on my denim skort. I wrapped my arms around her and covered her with kisses. Aunt Melissa stood in the background taking it all in.
"Are you alright Joan?" she asked in the middle of my encounter with the dog. "Have you had any breakfast?" I felt the tears building in my eyes and knew that I wasn’t alright. I wasn’t sure that I ever would be again. She came over and hugged me. She escorted me into the kitchen and asked again if I was hungry. I told her that I’d already eaten and just stopped over this morning to see if everything was ok over here. Not the complete truth, but close enough.
I finally said my goodbyes, grabbed my bike and was on my way. The Cohens seemed happy to see me. I took that as a good sign. Four hours later I finished the trim work. Mrs. Cohen smiled at me as she handed me a check for three hundred and twenty dollars. No one had ever paid me by check before. I felt a bit distrustful over the entire situation but I wasn’t going to insult her and demand cash. I thanked her for the bit of extra and told her that if she ever needed any painting done in the future to please call me. I handed her my business card and was on my way.
I stopped at the bank on the way home and deposited the check. I hoped it hadn’t been a mistake to not demand cash. With Hospin’s only a few blocks away, I pedaled over and said hello. Mr. Hospin seemed happy to see me. He said he almost always got calls from satisfied customers thanking him for recommending me. I smiled at him in return. I bade him farewell and pedaled home. I found myself in "my" kitchen making myself a roast beef sandwich. I didn’t even stop over to see if Sam was home. Sitting there eating with a cup of strong black coffee to accompany it all. I thought again about all that was happening.
I ran upstairs to the bathroom and took my pills. I decided that it made more sense to keep them with me and tucked my prescriptions into my purse. Thankfully, the house was quiet. I had no idea where Aunt Mel had headed out to, but I was glad that she wasn’t here. Next thing I knew I was lying on the floor in the sewing room taking a nap. I had no idea how long I’d slept, but eventually Aunt Melissa shook me awake.
Ah, Friday evening was rapidly approaching. I guessed that Sam would be doing his early curfew routine this evening. I hoped that I wasn’t included in those plans. Hell, it was the weekend and I didn’t want to be locked indoors at nine o’clock. I went in the kitchen and called Sally.
"Sally?" I asked as she picked up the phone. "It’s me, Joan," I said in case she didn’t recognize my voice. Before she could say anything else, I asked her if she wanted to do anything this evening.
"Joan! Great to hear from you. And, sure, what did you have in mind?" I smiled into the phone. Sally was definitely in vivacious mode.
"I really didn’t have any plans, maybe we could go and hang out on the boardwalk?" I asked her. Just as the words were out of my mouth, I realized that I should probably have consulted with Sam before making any such plans. I sighed aloud.
"What’s wrong Joan?"
"Well, I just realized that I should probably talk it over with Sam before making any plans for the evening." She laughed upon hearing my explanation. I only wished that I found the whole thing as funny as she seemed to. We chatted for a bit and I told her I’d call her back within the hour to let her know what was going on. She laughed again and told me she’d await my call.
I made my way across the street. Sam was sitting at the kitchen table with a roast beef sandwich in one hand and a soda in the other. "Sam, you’re going to spoil your appetite," I told him. He just looked at me and laughed.
"Sam, did you have any plans for this evening? Sally called and asked if I wanted to go out with her later." He didn’t need to know that I’d actually been the one to call her.
"It’s alright sweetheart. You know I have an early curfew and I don’t feel like doing anything anyway. Well, aside from eating one of your delicious dinners that is," he laughed. I promised him I’d be back in a few minutes and headed back across the street.
It almost seemed silly walking across the street to make a phone call, but it just felt safer somehow. I called Sally back and we made plans to meet at the Webster Avenue entrance at seven thirty. She really seemed excited at the prospect of the two of us getting together. I gave her my cell phone number and explained that it was for emergencies only. I entered her cell into my own phone’s memory. We said our goodbyes and I headed downstairs to talk to Aunt Mel for a bit.
Aunt Melissa insisted that Sam and my mother-in-law come over for dinner. I cringed a bit at the in-law reference. Aunt Mel noticed it and simply laughed. I told her that it would be fine as long as she and Mom promised to come over tomorrow for dinner. She told me that she expected nothing less. I then mentioned that if she was making dinner rolls to double up on them if at all possible. She laughed again.
I finally realized, well, I’d known it already, but my real sense of loss was about losing my home. Yes, I knew that I hadn’t lost it, not really, but it sure felt like I had. Without being asked, I made the salad for the evening’s meal. While I was peeling carrots, Sam came strolling in and asked me just what had happened to me. OK, so it was more than just about losing my home. I really needed some space.
Sam asked Aunt Mel if she was going to come to the game tomorrow. "Well, I don’t know, nobody’s asked me," she replied. It was Sam’s turn to laugh and he informed her that his asking was as much of a formal invitation as she was likely to get. She smiled at him and told him she’d be honored to watch him play. My mood brightened just a little. It might be fun being there with Aunt Melissa.
Sam sauntered back across the street to retrieve his mother for dinner. Aunt Alice and Mom walked in the front door simultaneously. Mom was a bit disconcerted, her routine (a drink and a smoke) had been disturbed.
Finally, the five of us sat down to dinner. My plans for tomorrow’s meal went out the window. It seems Aunt Mel had already prepared a chicken dinner. And, she’d made fresh baked bread as well. She sure could teach me a thing or two in the kitchen.
Aunt Melissa started asking Sam all kinds of questions about the team. Sam smiled and answered them all from his vast knowledge and experience. Sure we’d always shared a love of the game, but I never realized that his interest was quite so serious. Both Mom and Aunt Alice made their apologies to Sam and explained to him that they had plans for tomorrow afternoon. Sam seemed devastated by the news.
"Don’t worry Sam, Aunt Melissa and I will be there to cheer you on!" He put on a brave smile, but I could tell that he felt just a bit rejected. Neither of the moms explained just why they wouldn’t be there.
It was closing in on seven when dinner was finally finished. I smiled to myself as I began clearing the table, remembering all the times in the past when I’d rushed to get it all done. I wasn’t so sure that I could get away with simply leaving the oven racks to soak in the sink, but I tried it anyway.
Aunt Mel gave me a dirty look, but I assured her that I’d be back later to clean and put everything away. For some unknown reason she came over and hugged me tight. I wished that I knew why I felt this need to escape.
After what Mom and Aunt Alice had said about not attending tomorrow’s game, I felt extremely guilty about going out this evening. Sam looked so damned sad. "Sam, would you like to come to the boardwalk with me and Sally for a bit?" I asked hoping that he’d refuse my offer. He smiled at me sheepishly and thanked me with his eyes.
"If you don’t mind?" His response told me that he respected my space. Sure I still felt a bit put upon, but this was my husband and I’d do anything I could to make him happy.
I laughed and told him I’d be honored to share his company. I only hoped that Sally didn’t mind. I didn’t think she would, but you never knew. I considered calling her up and telling her of the change of plans, but then I worried that she’d cancel on me entirely.
I ran upstairs checked my face and Sam and I were out the door. I hadn’t noticed until now, but Sam always took the outside position on the sidewalk when we were together. Was he subconsciously protecting me? I knew under current circumstances that if anyone was going to protect anyone, it would be me protecting him. He began swinging our hands to and fro as we made our way to the boardwalk.
"Sally! Over here!" he shouted out to her. Sally had been staring absentmindedly up the block as we approached. She smiled at us both as we drew near.
"And how’s my favorite married couple this evening?"
"Sally, you are coming to the game tomorrow, aren’t you?" were the first words out of Sam’s mouth. Somehow I had to get him to stop doing that. It was getting embarrassing.
"Well, I don’t know?" she replied.
I did my best to laugh it off and assured her that Sam asked that question of everyone he came in contact with. That seemed to calm her down a bit. "So, you’ve got the same tattoo as Joan," he stated watching carefully for her reaction. Sally laughed it off and told him that Darla had the same one too. He raised an eyebrow but made no comment.
We started walking down the boardwalk. Sam took center position and put an arm around my shoulder and Sally’s like he was a big star or something. It made Sally smile. It made me feel a bit weird. We stopped at Coor’s and I treated everyone to ice cream. It felt really good not having to worry about each and every nickel anymore. I suppose in the back of my mind I knew that each and every nickel was more important now than it ever had been.
Sam seemed really happy and relaxed to be out with us. I was glad for that at least. I was also glad that Sally seemed at ease as well. Sam generally wasn’t as at ease around girls as he’d been of late. Perhaps we were simply growing up?
We spent a few minutes in the video arcade. Sam was determined to beat one of the driving machines. Sally and I stood in the background and waited for him to finish. It didn’t take long. He walked away a bit irked. I was just happy that he didn’t stand there for half an hour trying to beat the machine into submission.
It was closing in on nine o’clock and Sam had to get home. I could tell he didn’t want to leave and that he’d have stayed if I didn’t force the issue. I asked Sally if she’d walk with us cause Sam had to go home. Since home was only a few blocks from the boardwalk it really wasn’t that far out of the way. We got to his front door and stood there and kissed for a minute. I could tell that Sally was getting a bit uncomfortable.
He asked her again before going in: "Sally, you will come tomorrow, won’t you?" I wanted to hammer him over the head! She told him that she’d have to check but would be there if she could. He seemed to accept that and told me he expected me home by eleven. I felt like laughing and crying simultaneously. I told him that I wouldn’t be too late and kissed him goodbye. I was tired of rules and regulations. It seemed everyone was ordering me about. And that includes my beloved Shandy. I laughed at the thought.
Sally and I made our way back to the boardwalk. She told me that she was glad she got a chance to see Sam. They hadn’t encountered one another since the wedding. I smiled at her and told her that it would be nice if she could come to the game tomorrow, but did my best to not make it sound like I was begging. She laughed and told me it probably wouldn’t be a problem.
We got back to the boardwalk and Sally wanted to take a walk in the waves. We removed our shoes and headed for the breakers. I felt a tad strange when Sally reached out and grabbed my hand. "Danger Will Robinson," my mind taunted me. She looked at me like I was crazy and held my hand tighter as we continued walking through the surf. She asked me how I liked being married. She seemed a bit surprised when I told her I felt like I had less freedom now than I did as a child living under my mother’s roof.
Upon reflecting for a few minutes she agreed that my interpretation of the current state of affairs made sense. She pulled me up short, turned me around and hugged me. My heart began doing triple time in my chest. I was actually worried that she was going to kiss me. Sally sensed my discomfort and told me to just calm down. I giggled nervously and took her advice. In a lot of ways Sally seemed more mature than any of us. We continued hugging for a minute and rubbed each other’s backs gently. We headed back to the boardwalk and took a seat on one of the benches.
I brushed off my feet and put my sandals back on. Sally eyed me with disgust as I removed a cigarette from my purse and lit it. "You know, I can almost understand why Darla started smoking, but I can’t imagine for the life of me why you did?" I couldn’t help but wonder just what she meant about Darla and felt compelled to ask.
"What do you mean about understanding why Darla does it?" I asked as smoke billowed through my nostrils. I sat there staring at her feeling more stupid with each passing second.
"Err, nothing," she replied a bit too quickly.
"You know about her accident, don’t you Sally?"
I saw signs of confusion and worry in her eyes. She grabbed my free hand tightly and said, "yes Joan, I know, but you must never tell Darla that I do." My own eyes were now swimming in confusion. Why all the secrecy? OK, so perhaps it was a lot easier dealing with the world if no one knew. But, why the secrecy between themselves? Darla and Sally had been best friends ever since the Raspberrys moved to town.
"Sally, you have to know that I’ll never say a word about it," I promised. "It’s getting late, are you sure you’re going to be alright walking home alone?" I had to ask.
"It’s ok Joan, my brother Charlie is going to pick me up at Webster Ave. at eleven." As it was now ten of the hour, I decided to wait with her till he arrived. It felt good to be away from everyone if only for awhile. I vowed then and there that I’d have to schedule some time for just "me" on a regular basis.
Having waved goodbye to Sally, I found myself staring awkwardly in two directions. One, was the ocean and the special allure it held for me. The other was home. I would have headed back to the surf, but I knew Sam had his game tomorrow and I didn’t want to keep him up worrying about me. I briskly walked to my new home determined to make the best of it…
Joan struggles to find her place in this life. Sam continues to put himself at risk for the love of the game
Chapter 3
Dancing in the Dark
I arrived at the Peters’ home and realized that I didn’t have a key. It was now eleven thirty and the house was completely dark. Now what the hell was I supposed to do? Should I knock on the door and wake everyone up? Was Sam worried about me? It certainly didn’t seem so. I stood in front of the door with my head shaking involuntarily from side to side and made my way across the street: home…
I removed my key from my purse and carefully let myself in. Shandy was all over me in seconds, tail wagging and jumping up and down on my bare legs. I followed my memory through the dark and into the kitchen. It was too late for coffee so I made myself a cup of tea. As I sat at the table thinking things over, Shandy continually assaulted me. She tried desperately to jump up into my lap. I’d never seen her do that before. If my parents had taught her one thing it was that the table was off limits.
She looked up at me with those big sad eyes and I figured she was hungry. Her tail began wagging rapidly as I stood up and partially filled her bowl with some leftovers from the fridge. One problem solved I thought as I made my cup of herbal tea. I sat at the table and broke my own rule. A cup of tea and a cigarette. I wasn’t really sure why I was feeling so out of sorts. Was it the same for Sam? It irked me a bit that I’d been locked out and he’d apparently gone to sleep without me.
All of a sudden I began worrying that something was wrong. A bit of a panic attack assaulted me. Hell, he had my cell phone number. Everyone had my cell phone number. If some kind of emergency had arisen, wouldn’t they have called? I removed the phone from my purse and checked it. It was in obvious working order and there were no messages for me. I began to calm down a bit. If it hadn’t been so late, I’d have called Aunt Vivian. I really needed to talk to someone.
It was midnight when I realized that my place was with Sam. I couldn’t simply leave him to twist in the wind. What if he woke up in the middle of the night and found me gone? It would probably scare the hell out of him. I picked up the phone and dialed his number. I began to worry with each passing ring and no answer. On the tenth ring Aunt Alice picked up. I explained to her that I was locked out and could she please open the front door for me. She surprised me by telling me to simply stay where I was and that they’d see me in the morning. Whoa!
I hung up the phone feeling worse than I had before I even called. Shandy having finished her food began whining at the back door. I let her out and sat back down at the table. Had I done something wrong here? If not, then why was I being punished? I let the dog back in, and made my way into the sewing room. Thankfully, my blanket and pillows were still on the top shelf in the closet. I laid down on the floor and Shandy came in and curled up beside me. Her wagging tale thumped silently against my thigh. I was so grateful for her company that I hugged her tightly to my chest. I slowly drifted off though each breath was filled with worry.
I was awakened by the smell of coffee brewing. Like a junkie in need of a fix I pulled on my clothes and stumbled into the kitchen. "Ah, she lives!" Aunt Mel exhorted. I issued a sad smile and filled my cup. The kitchen clock informed me that it was just after nine. I figured that Sam was up by now, so with coffee cup in my hand I dialed his number. He reacted as if all were normal and asked me if I had a good time with Sally last night.
I was totally taken aback. He simply seemed not to care. Hell, he hadn’t missed me at all. I told him that I’d see him at the game later on. Sam told me he loved me and got off of the phone. I was both elated and a bit peeved. I wasn’t sure whether or not to call Sally and ask her yet again if she wanted to come. Was I just pestering her? I sighed aloud and dialed her number.
"Sally? It’s me, Joan. Well, can you make it this afternoon?" I asked and laughed. I didn’t want to appear too anxious. After a few hems and haws she told me resignedly that she’d be happy to come. I didn’t miss a beat and told her that it really wasn’t necessary if she didn’t want to. She seemed relieved at hearing it, but restated her desire to join us. I thanked her and told her we’d pick her up at noon. Hell, I hadn’t even asked Aunt Mel if it would be ok. I didn’t think she’d object to the additional company.
It was then that I realized I didn’t even know where Sally lived. I didn’t want to call her back just to ask for her address, so I got out the phone book and looked it up. She lived on Beemer Street, a two mile ride from my house. It’s a good thing that she never took me up on my offers to walk her home.
"What would you like for breakfast?" Aunt Melissa asked, shaking me out of my reverie. I told her whatever she felt like making was fine with me. She laughed at that and began frying up some eggs. "So, are you all ready for the baseball game?" she went on. I told her that I was, though I wasn’t really sure I meant it. It just didn’t seem important to me at all.
We sat there eating our breakfast and I realized that the Waves were undefeated: eleven wins and no losses. No county team had ever amassed a better record. They were a good bet to win the state championships at the end of August. The final game deciding the winner would be held in just a few more weeks. . Where had the summer gone? I was so proud of Sam and his accomplishments and a bit worried too given his current condition.
I cleaned up the kitchen in a semi-catatonic state. Aunt Mel seemed to know that I wasn’t 100% with her. She gave me the space that I needed. With the kitchen totally cleaned up it was still only ten thirty. I got out my notebook and started making calls to line up work for next week. I smiled as I remembered that we were going to have band practice tomorrow. I’d have to find some time at some point today to practice a bit. With five jobs scheduled and one maybe, I headed up to the bathroom to make myself pretty.
I decided to tempt fate and put on my sundress. It was the same one I’d been wearing when Dad had assaulted me not too many weeks ago. I put on my wedgies and made my way back downstairs. Taking my morning pills had become such a part of my routine that I hardly even noticed it anymore. I did however notice the slight puffiness of my breasts and my nipples were in a constant state of increased sensitivity. It was more than I’d hoped for. My mind was all over the place. Soon, Sam’s first trimester would be completed and then I could stop worrying a bit. Most miscarriages occurred during that time frame.
Back in the here and now, I examined myself in the sewing room mirror. My hair was just so, my makeup was perfect, my necklace stood out against my chest, my ankle bracelet also announced my name for all the world to see. I laughed to myself as I realized that at least I’d never forget my name. I just wished that I could snap out of this funk that I seemed trapped in.
It was closing in on noon and I told Aunt Melissa that we’d better get started if we wanted to get there in time. She smiled at me and told me she was thinking the same thing. Aunt Mel, not one to waste money brought an insulated cooler bag filled with sandwiches and sodas. I smiled at her thinking that I wouldn’t have to risk another trip to the concession stand. Generally I wasn’t afraid of anything, but lately? Well, I couldn’t say that it was the case any longer. I’d become a lot more wary of my surroundings since becoming Joan.
I directed Aunt Mel to Sally’s house. She seemed happy for the company. Along the way I asked her if she knew just what Mom and Aunt Alice were up to this afternoon. She simply smiled at me and told me that she had no idea. We arrived at Sally’s and she was out on the front porch waiting for us. I got in the back with her and complimented her on her attire. She was wearing a sun dress very similar to my own, though no one would ever mistake us for sisters.
We arrived at the stadium and found decent seats just a few rows behind the home team dugout. The overall turnout was a little lighter than usual. I guessed that a lot of people were simply away on vacation.
Out of the blue Sally asked me, "is everything alright between you and Sam?" I hadn’t really thought about things in that way and I was at a loss for words for a few moments. I looked out to the field where the team had finally made its entrance and watched Sam as he began throwing his warm-up tosses.
"Yeah Sally, everything’s fine," I said at last and sent Sam a special cheer. Sally looked at me dubiously not sure whether to believe me or not. I gave her a special smile and her mood brightened. Aunt Mel informed us that it had been years since she’d last been to a baseball game. She went on to explain that the last time she’d been was when my cousin Melissa was playing softball back in high school. She seemed a bit amazed at the facility provided for a bunch of kids to play ball.
The star spangled banner was sung and the game began. I felt a heaviness in my heart and knew that I just didn’t want to be there. To say anything at that point would have been absurd. Aunt Melissa was here to cheer on Sam and Sally was here because I’d asked her to come. And now? Now I just wanted to be anywhere but here.
Fortunately, the game was a quick one. Before I knew it, it was the top of the fifth. The Waves clung to a one run lead. I found myself wondering if Dr. Feingold was in the stands. It was only the fifth, but Sam looked like he was getting tired. He was taking a little too much time between pitches. With two outs, the Eagles had the bases loaded. Even from where I was sitting, I could see the look of worry on my sweetheart’s face. He tuned out the entire world and simply focused on the catcher’s mitt in front of him.
The batter swung mightily and the ball dribbled a few feet in front of home plate. The catcher quickly scooped it up and stepped on home plate. The inning was over. A loud sigh of relief echoed through the stands as the Waves headed back to the dugout. I was really beginning to worry about Sam. He came to bat and hit a line drive, just fair down the left field line. His mile-wide smile beat him to second base; standing up. The Waves managed to bat him in and the top of the sixth began.
The Eagles came to bat and Sam made short work of the first two batters. Then it happened. With two outs and no one on base the batter hit a line drive right back to the mound. Sam’s reflexes weren’t quite up to the task and the ball struck him right in the hip as his body finished the follow through. He collapsed where he stood. The crowd seemed far more upset that a runner had reached base than it was about Sam. I started running for the field. Just as she’d done at the doctor’s office, Aunt Mel restrained me. Two of the coaches escorted Sam off the field. A smattering of applause echoed through the stands as he was helped off the field and into the clubhouse.
That was all the baseball I’d be watching that afternoon. With clear presence of mind I made my way to the announcer’s booth. I begged the young man calling the game to please ask Dr. Feingold to report to the locker room immediately. He made the request and went back to his task. I needn’t have bothered. She was already there when I walked into the clubhouse. Sam was curled up in a ball on a table and clutching his side. I’ve never been so scared in my life.
I was the only one with a look of worry on my face. The good doctor seemed totally calm and soon, Sam did as well. I began worrying what would have happened if he’d been seriously hurt and the doctor wasn’t around. Dr. Feingold completed her examination and actually gave me a hug and told me there was nothing to be concerned about. My mind was full of doubts as I reached my husband.
"What happened?" he asked in a state of confusion. I told him to get changed that we were going home. He’d have none of it. Although he was out of the game, he wasn’t going to leave until it was over. In a sense I admired his loyalty to the team. I was also a bit peeved that he seemed to be taking it all so nonchalantly.
Sally and Aunt Melissa both stood in the background not saying a word. I was done watching baseball. Aunt Mel, like Sam, wanted to see the end of the game. I could tell that Sally didn’t care one way or the other so I asked her if she’d go for a walk with me. I asked Aunt Melissa for the car keys and told her she could simply meet us there when the game was over. She handed them to me, but not before making me promise that I wouldn’t attempt driving anywhere.
Sally and I made our way back to the car. We got in the front seats and she turned on the radio. She didn’t say a word as I lit my cigarette. Could I possibly make Sam see that he was endangering the lives of the twins? I knew that I couldn’t. Finally Aunt Mel came out to the car. The Waves winning record remained in tact. She started talking about how exciting it was, but I totally tuned her out. Sally just looked like she wanted to go home. She held my hand tightly as Aunt Melissa drove us back to our domains.
"Thanks for coming Sally. I know you didn’t want to. Still, I don’t know how I’d have made it through if you hadn’t been there with me. Thank you." She smiled at me and gave me a hug and assured me that’s what friends are for. We dropped Sally off and it was then that Aunt Mel told me that Dr. Feingold had spoken with her. She said that if there was any sign of spotting (bleeding) to call her immediately. I was a nervous wreck.
I knew that Sam wouldn’t say a word about it if it occurred. What was I supposed to do? Follow him around and watch him every time he went to the bathroom? Actually, I considered doing just that but knew it would be impossible. Still, I’d have to convince him that this was very serious and that he’d have to tell me immediately if there were any signs of blood.
We went back to Mom’s and I began helping Aunt Melissa prepare dinner. We hadn’t touched any of the food she’d brought to the game. I didn’t have much of an appetite. I assured myself that Sam would finish it all off sooner or later. Aunt Mel reminded me that I was supposed to be making dinner this evening and laughed it off. I made the salad and went in the backyard to play with the dog and have yet another cigarette. I was becoming too damned dependent on the nicotine and promised myself to quit before I started damaging my own body.
Mom and Aunt Alice came sauntering in all smiles around five thirty. When I asked them where they’d been they both fell silent. It was closing in on six and still no word from Sam. I went over to his house to wait for him. I borrowed Aunt Alice’s key and she told me to keep it, she had a spare. One problem solved, I thought as I made my way across the street.
At six thirty Aunt Mel came across the street to get me. There was still no word from Sam. I wasn’t going to be eating anything till I knew he was alright. I told her to go back inside and that I’d be over as soon as he arrived. Finally, at seven o’clock coach pulled up in front of the house with the bus. Once again I was both relieved and angry. Relieved that he was alright and angry that he’d left me to twist in the wind this way.
He totally disarmed me with a hug and a kiss. "Were you worried about me?" he asked. The coach just sat there behind the wheel of the bus and refused to move. I turned around, opened the front door and closed it behind me. Sam stood there talking to the coach. I couldn’t believe it. I’d been worried sick about him all afternoon and he acts like he just came home from a walk in the park. After a few minutes and with them still out there, I left the house and headed for the boardwalk. It was my turn to disappear. Sam didn’t say a word to me as I walked past him and headed for the ocean.
Well, I wanted to be alone and now I was. I finally remembered I hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast. Now what was I supposed to do? Was he really that dense? For some reason, the boardwalk had lost its charm. I didn’t want to be here either. What the hell was wrong with me? I began wandering aimlessly. My goal; to be anywhere Sam wouldn’t find me. Given his condition I found myself hoping that he wouldn’t try. I’d never suffered so many mood swings in my life. It had to be the pills.
I found myself sitting at a table in a beach front eatery. I was staring down at the sausage hero and fries sitting in front of me. I didn’t even remember ordering anything. I was beginning to get scared. I slowly ate my food and surveyed my surroundings. Everyone seemed to be having a good time. Everyone but me, that is. I asked for a bag to put the remnants of my meal in. I was going to walk to the ocean and feed it to the starving gulls.
I had more fun feeding them a fry at a time than I’d had doing anything all day. They’d snatch them right out of the air as I tossed them high overhead. I sat there with my feet getting wet and throwing food at the gulls for quite some time. Finally a voice came out of nowhere. "So there you are!" it exclaimed. I looked up and saw Fred and Darla walking side by side towards me. They told me that they stopped at my house and Sam told them the last he knew I was headed off in this direction. At least I knew he was alright. I almost felt angrier with him for not coming after me.
Darla sat down on one side of me and Fred on the other. They both snuggled close and hugged me tight. Almost as if muttering a mantra they said simultaneously that everything was going to be alright. It made me smile and laugh but also creeped me out just a wee bit. I felt really stupid doing it, but I asked them if Sam looked ok. They both told me that he seemed fine. Should I just go back home? It didn’t seem as if Sam cared where I was or what I was doing. I didn’t want to see him now, it would just cause an argument.
"So, what are you two up to?" I asked as cheerfully as I could.
"Well, we came out looking for our friend," Darla replied and smiled at me. I was really glad these two had found each other. I knew that Darla deserved some real happiness in her life. Silly thing to say about someone with all of the advantages that Darla had. Still, I was finally beginning to see the torment that had made her the person she was today.
"Thanks for coming," I told them with a sadness in my voice that I couldn’t conceal. They just leaned in and hugged me tighter. I couldn’t help but think that Sam should be the one sitting here next to me. He really knew how to get to me. Anyway, if we were together at this moment, I’d probably be badgering him to give up baseball till next year. I knew in my heart that he loved me, but if it ever came down to choosing between me and the game I was more than afraid that I’d come out in a distant second place.
I forced myself to stand up and started walking along the breakers. Fred and Darla rose and followed my lead. "What’s wrong Joan?" Darla asked. I explained what had happened at the game that afternoon and Darla almost went into shock. "Oh my God! I had no idea! Sam seemed fine when we saw him, but I wasn’t examining him for any injuries. Maybe he should give up baseball until the twins are born?"
She’d voiced my sentiments exactly. I patiently explained that there was no way in hell that that was ever going to happen. I had no idea how to proceed. Should I just be the loving, stoic wife? Bite my tongue and hope for the best? Yes, these were my babies but this was his life. Was baseball more important to him than the lives of our children? I felt a quick flash of horror as I recalled the ball striking him in the hip and his sudden collapse. Was there anything I could do? I felt totally helpless as I continued to walk. Each step seemed to take me deeper into despair.
A health crisis sends Sam to the hospital. A frantic Joan attempts to make sense of it all.
Our Family
Chapter 4
Different Drum
I’m not even sure how I got there, but I found myself standing outside the Peters’ front door with my key in my hand. It’s funny, but I don’t think I’ll ever consider myself a "Peters." Ironically, it wasn’t really Sam’s last name either, if the intention had been to give him the last name of his biological father.
It was just after ten o’clock as I entered the front door. The house was dark. Was Sam even at home? My fear had been growing deep inside of me all evening. It attacked my heart as a fatal illness would. I slowly ascended the stairs sinking further into the depths with each step. I almost found myself wishing that he wasn’t there. I had no idea what to say to him. Could we simply laugh it off as if it were some kind of joke? My babies!
Feelings of helplessness surrounded me as I stood in the hall outside his closed bedroom door. I stood there unable to act. I placed my hand on the doorknob and froze. I had no idea what to say to him. I did my best to convince myself that my only concern at that point was the health of the twins. Somehow, knowing that made it easier for me to open the door and step inside.
He wasn’t there! I went into immediate panic mode thinking something horrible must have happened. I simply wanted to curl up in his bed and hug my teddy bears till their stuffing came out. I found myself running, stumbling for the front door. Home was where I needed to be. It took me a minute to extricate my key from my purse and make my way inside. Thankfully, Aunt Melissa was home.
"Auntie M? Have you heard from Sam?" I asked as the tears began flowing down my face. She jumped off the couch and ran to embrace me. Her sudden actions made me worry all the more. "Is he all right?" I asked with more than a bit of urgency in my voice.
She shushed me and told me not to worry. It seems Sam did indeed have a bit of spotting and had been rushed to the hospital. All of my fears assaulted me and I collapsed in her arms. "My babies!" I heard myself screaming.
"There there Joan, everything’s going to be alright," she said paternalistically. "Don’t worry, the twins are fine. I just got off the phone with your mother before you came in the front door. Shall we head to the hospital so you can see for yourself?"
I found myself filled with anger for Sam and his cavalier attitude as I ran to the front door waiting for Aunt Melissa to follow. She came quickly and we made our way to the hospital. I found myself begging a god I’d never believed in for the safety of my unborn children. We drove on in silence.
Aunt Melissa offered to drop me off by the emergency room entrance, but I didn’t want to go in there alone. She parked the car and held my hand tightly as we headed inside. I was too numb to speak and Auntie M took care of finding out just where Sam was. He’d been admitted for observation. I tried to rein myself in as I felt about ready to explode. Aunt Melissa hugged me tight before we entered the room and begged me to put my anger aside. She explained that if I cared anything at all for my children, that I shouldn’t take it out on the person in charge of their care.
It took awhile, but I finally did calm down. We entered the room where Aunt Alice and Mom were attending Sam and seeing to his every need. Sam seemed to be in high spirits making me angrier still. Was he somehow hoping to lose the babies? How could something that caused me such intense agony have no effect on him at all?
"Sam!" I exclaimed as I ran to his side. All other thoughts were quickly swept away as I hugged him tight. "Are you OK?" I asked, though my concerns were more for the twins than his own well-being. I felt myself a horrible person for even entertaining such thoughts. He looked up at me calmly before replying. Still, I realized my concerns were really one and the same. Sam and the twins were inexorably linked.
"Relax Joan, the babies are fine." He knew! He somehow knew that I was more concerned about the twins than I was about Sam himself. I felt so guilty; dirty, inferior, not worthy of his love at all. I was completely and utterly ashamed. I began wailing uncontrollably. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. I found it more difficult to breathe with each inhaled breath. The last thing I remembered was the look of concern on Sam’s face as everything went blank in front of me.
From a distance a voice called to me. "Joan, wake up!" I felt my head being gently shaken from side to side as the words were repeated. I didn’t want to wake up. I wanted to remain in hiding. Hoping it would all just go away. More than anything I hated that I had absolutely no control of everything going on around me. Maybe by remaining in this semi-comatose state Sam would begin to see the seriousness of his actions. I felt totally helpless.
"Joan, PLEASE!" a voice screamed. It was Sam’s voice. Remembering the talk I’d had with Aunt Melissa, I knew it would do no good to upset him any more than he already was. With all the strength that I had I slowly forced my eyes open. Tears were streaming down his cheeks. I still felt overwhelmed and helpless. I needed to be strong for Sam, for my babies, but wasn’t sure I had anything left to give. I just knew that if he loved us, he’d give up the game (for now) that he seemed to love more than life itself. I really needed to talk to Aunt Vivian. Maybe she could help me find a way to get through that stubborn exterior of his.
"Sam!" I screamed as I continued sobbing. I was brain-locked. Completely unsure of what to say next. Seconds ticked away and I found that I wasn’t really sure as to his emotional state at all. Perhaps his seemingly jovial mood earlier had simply been a front; a way to protect himself from all that was going on. Not knowing what else to do, I simply uttered the one safe phrase that I knew that I knew by heart.. "Sam, I love you so!"
My stomach began churning as I fought back every impulse within me to beg him to take better care. He began weeping harder as he strengthened his embrace. "I’m so sorry Joan. I’ll give up baseball if you want me to." Did he really mean that? Was he just saying that to get me to calm down? Could he forgo his dream for just this little while? Would it be fair of me to ask him to?
I had no answers to any of those questions. I did know that the simple fact that he’d say those words meant more to me than anything anyone else could have said or done. I did my best to compose myself before replying. "Sam, it’s not what I want. I know how much pitching means to you. I know how good you are and finally having the chance to show the rest of the world that there’s nothing you’d rather do. I don’t want you to give up the game if it means you’re going to wind up hating me and the twins. It’s going to kill me to watch you take the mound again, but if the Doctor says it’s ok, then ok it is."
I really hadn’t intended to give him an out like that. My heart wanted to simply lay down the law. I felt this growing sense of worry deep within me. I found myself hoping that Dr. Feingold would tell Sam that it would be in the best interests of the babies if he waited till next season to continue chasing his dream. Would Sam ever be able to forgive me my thoughts? Could I hide them from him? It was very late on a Saturday evening when Dr. Feingold herself walked through the door.
I studied her face carefully, looking for signs of an ally or an enemy. Her expression was unreadable. "Well Sam, I’ve been all over your charts and it looks like everything’s fine. I’m not so sure you should be pitching anymore this season though." A huge sigh of relief escaped me. I knew I’d never be able to hide my true feelings. I began looking to Mom and Aunt Alice for support. Sam couldn’t pitch without Aunt Alice’s permission, or maybe he could, but I knew that he wouldn’t.
"Dr. Feingold, thanks for coming so late on a Saturday. Is he really ok?" I asked. She looked at me strangely for a moment before grasping my meaning.
"Yes, Joan, is it? As I said, I’ve reviewed all of Sam’s records and "he" seems to be doing fine. And, by that I mean the babies are doing fine as well." I could tell she felt uncomfortable referring to the fetuses as babies, but it set my mind at ease. "Sam, before you even think about playing baseball again, you’re going to have to be checked by me. I’ll decide before your next pitching assignment whether or not you’re fit for duty."
I began to take slow, even breaths. Thank God! The babies were alright. Now I needed to figure out how to deal with Sam. Could I find the way to make sure he understood the consequences of his actions? I began to feel an overpowering need for sleep. I kissed Sam gently on the forehead and curled up in a ball on the vacant bed next to his own. Within moments I was sound asleep.
Sunday morning I was awakened unintentionally by a pair of nurses that came in to check on Sam’s condition. It took me a few moments to realize just where I was. I looked over at Sam and watched him as he slept peacefully. Even the nurses’ actions tending to him didn’t rouse him. My anger rose just a bit as I considered how foolish the reason for us being here was. This whole thing shouldn’t have happened.
I was glad that he was sleeping soundly. To me that meant that he’d accepted the Doctor’s words the night before. Though I’d not yet heard the story, I was beyond glad that Sam had told someone that he was spotting. In a way that showed some sense of responsibility. He didn’t just ignore it. What was I supposed to do now? Should I simply be the loving, supporting wife, or should I take a more aggressive stand? I had no clue how to proceed.
I got up off the bed, went and took a quick shower. The mere water droplets reminded me of a fresh spring rain washing me clean. My worries slowly began to lessen. I got dressed, grabbed my hand bag and did what I could with the makeup that I was never without anymore. I pulled a chair up next to his bed, sat down and took one of his hands in my own. I squeezed gently. Just hard enough to let him know that I was there.
I silently waved the aide away when she came in with his breakfast. I knew that sleep was more important at this point than being awakened for some dreadful hospital food. I sat there drifting in and out of consciousness as Sam continued to sleep. Finally, around one o’clock he awoke with a start. Pretty much the same way that I had hours earlier.
"Joan, what are we doing here?" he asked seriously. Without missing a beat I gently explained all that had happened the night before. He reacted as though he were hearing it all for the first time. I told him that Dr. Feingold would be in this afternoon to check him out again. It was then that I remembered a scheduled band practice for the afternoon. I really hated the idea of missing it, but if I was expecting Sam to consider giving up baseball, then I had to be ready to do the same. I told Sam that I’d be back in a little bit and went to find a pay phone to call Darla.
She seemed both upset and understanding as I told her that I’d be unable to make it to band practice. She went on to tell me to call her when I got home. I was concerned about my place in the band, but nothing was more important than Sam and the twins. I thanked her for her support and we said our goodbyes.
I found my way back to the room and Sam had taken it on his own to shower. I wasn’t sure that he was even supposed to be out of bed. I started worrying all over again. Was I going to be an emotional wreck for the next seven months? I did my best to calm down, took a seat and waited for him to finish up. He was taking a very un-Sam-like shower. Usually he was in and out of there in five minutes time. I finally got up and went in to check on him. He was fine.
I had to find some way to put a check on my emotions. I wasn’t his mother. Having missed both breakfast and lunch, I asked him if I could get him something to eat. I made my way down to the cafeteria and bought him the cheeseburger that he requested. I also got him the garden salad and an iced tea. I was going to make sure he ate the salad before he had a bite of that burger. Perhaps I was turning into his mother?
I found myself wondering just where the parents were when they burst into the room all smiles and hugs. Dr. Feingold came in around three and asked us to please leave the room so she could examine the patient. The four of us left the room cooperatively and waited expectantly for the doctor’s prognosis. It wasn’t long before she beckoned us back inside. The doctor pronounced Sam "fit as a fiddle" and told him it was time to go home. Once again I heaved a sigh of relief.
Aunt Alice signed the patient out and an aide wheeled him to the door. He tried several times to get up and walk when I told him as sternly as I knew how to simply sit there and enjoy the ride. I really didn’t want to be his mother. The ride home was uneventful. I got Sam up to his room and into bed. I began doing laundry and wistfully thought about my friends. I found myself worrying that even now they were making plans to replace me.
I absolutely wasn’t in the mood to be there. Let them do their own damned laundry, cook their own dinners and take care of themselves. For Christ’s sake! These weren’t children here. OK, perhaps Sam needed a bit of extra attention given the situation. I knew that I just had to get away or I was going to explode. I told Aunt Alice I was going for a walk and without any further ado, I headed for the boardwalk.
I bought myself a hot dog and sat down on a bench to eat it as I watched the care-free vacationers enjoy this glorious Sunday evening. Life shouldn’t be this hard. A few months ago my biggest worry had been that Mom might make pork chops for dinner. I began to feel that I was spending way too much time feeling sorry for myself. How was I going to stop doing that? I took my pills and washed them down with the last bit of soda. I carefully applied a fresh coat of red lipstick to my lips and stared seductively out at the world in front of me.
I flipped the back of the bench the other way, lit a cigarette and became lost in the vastness of the Atlantic before me. I knew I had to take charge of things, but how? Although I knew what I had to do, I really just wanted to go home, go up to my room, climb into my bed and hug my stuffed animals till I fell asleep. I slowly shook myself out of my reverie. Harboring such thoughts wasn’t going to get me anywhere.
I went and ordered a large pepperoni pizza and slowly made my way to Sam’s. As I walked I remembered the last time I’d done this exact same thing. He’d told me he was injured yet had gone out with the boys. If he wasn’t home this time then all bets were off. As impossible as it seemed, I decided before opening the door that if he wasn’t there, if he refused to cooperate, I was done with him. A certain hardness embraced my being as I made my way to the kitchen. Aunt Alice was nowhere to be found as I placed the entire pizza, box and all in the oven. I put the oven on warm and made my way up to Sam’s bedroom. I’d simply never get used to referring to that room as "our" bedroom.
I needn’t have gotten myself so worked up. Sam was all curled up on the bed and sleeping peacefully. I gently crawled under the covers and spooned him from behind. His arm grabbed me tight as I wrapped my own around him. Mere physical contact set my mind at ease. "Sam, are you hungry?" I asked gently.
He rolled over and stared deep into my eyes. He began apologizing yet again. He told me that nothing was more important to him than me and the babies. I melted at his touch and his words. Somehow, we’d find our way through this. "I brought you your favorite, it’s in the oven keeping warm. Would you like me to bring it up to you, or would you rather come downstairs?" He smiled at me warmly and told me he’d be right down. For the first time that day I felt myself calming down.
We sat at the kitchen table and slowly devoured the pie. I couldn’t think of anything else to say to him. That is, I was afraid to say anything; afraid that my anger would once again rear its head. I smiled at him and watched him eat. He slowly seemed to be returning to his normal self. After I cleaned up and put everything away, I slowly ushered him back to bed. He made one last attempt to apologize but I shushed him with a kiss.
It felt good lying there in bed with my body pressed up against his own. I slowly drifted off with my arm and leg wrapped around him. We were in this together and would see it through to the end.
Monday morning finally arrived and I woke up feeling refreshed. I sat on the edge of the bed and tried to remember the last time I’d awakened feeling so positive about everything. It had been awhile. I took a shower, put on some clothes and made my way down to the kitchen. Aunt Alice was sitting at the table drinking coffee and smoking. I was tempted to tell her that smoking wasn’t allowed inside and quickly remembered that I was a guest in her home. My earlier sense of well being vanished in a heartbeat.
I guessed she was dealing with demons of her own. The look I read on her face told me that it was all my fault that things had turned out this way. My attempts at turning her home into someplace where people might actually want to live seemed to simply piss her off. I needed to be with Sam. If the safety of the twins hadn’t been my primary concern, I’d have been gone.
I poured myself a cup of coffee, lit a cigarette and attempted to engage her in conversation. I was wasting my time. My status here had been reduced from a guest who’d overstayed her welcome to that of an insect in need of extermination. Was I imagining all this? She ignored my first attempt to speak to her. I thought for a moment that perhaps she hadn’t heard me. I tried again. The result was the same. I gave up.
I stood up and took my coffee into the backyard. Everything seemed peaceful and perfect outside. The birds were chirping, the wind sang her wondrous song, and the scent of the ocean surrounded me. After a time I returned to the kitchen. Aunt Alice had left the building. All that remained was her coffee cup sitting next to the sink and a filthy ashtray on the kitchen table.
For a moment I took it personally. I thought she was doing this to piss me off, make me uncomfortable. Then I realized that she was probably just doing what she always did. My presence had no effect on her behavior one way or the other. I knew I couldn’t stay under her roof much longer. At this point I began to wonder if I’d make it till Aunt Melissa headed back home. I found myself running for my own front door.
Shandy greeted me joyously. Her look suggested that she missed me. Perhaps that was a mere reflection from my own eyes. I hugged her tight and rubbed her coat lovingly. She rolled over on her back with her paws straight in the air and wagged her tail incessantly as I continued to caress her. The house was empty as the kitchen clock neared ten.
I took out my list of prospects and began making phone calls. By noon I’d lined up seven jobs for the week. It seemed to be getting easier all the time. My reputation as a fast and reliable painter had been growing and Mr. Hospin’s kind words of recommendation aided me in my quest.
Finally, I made my way back across the street. Sam was sitting at the kitchen table eating a leftover slice of cold pizza.. I smiled at him and grabbed one for myself. So, this was what married life was all about, I thought and laughed derisively. The love in Sam’s eyes washed over me from across the table. He hadn’t a clue as to the turmoil that tore at my being. I finished my food and told him I had to get to work. It wasn’t a lie...
Joan has a run in with an old "friend." Just for a moment, she begins to wonder whether or not the twins are hers.
Chapter 5
Sailing
It was closing in on five o’clock as I made my way back home. Home, I thought bitterly. I felt like I had no home anymore. I felt like I was doing constant battle with depression and slowly but surely losing. Sam was sprawled on the living room couch when I entered. He was actually reading a book. He quickly closed it and slid it under the couch before I could glimpse the title. Why was he hiding it from me? Was he embarrassed?
"Sam," I said in a half-whisper, "how are you feeling?" He smiled up at me, but didn’t move. He held his arms wide as if requesting an embrace. I walked over to him, hugged him and kissed him gently on the forehead. Why was I feeling so lost, so alone? Sam didn’t have his antennae up and hadn’t a clue as to my mood, or so I thought.
"Joan, I’m fine. Are you all right?" I couldn’t shake the sad smile that seemed glued to my face. I tried as hard as I could to think happy thoughts. It wasn’t working.
"I’m fine Sam," I said as I kissed him on the forehead yet again. "What would you like for dinner?" I almost hoped he’d reply "you" as he’d once done. Maybe with his help I could somehow snap out of it. That wasn’t to be.
"Whatever you feel like making is fine with me," he half-laughed and reached under the couch for his book. At that point I didn’t even want to know what he’d been reading. I got up, walked into the kitchen and began defrosting some hamburger in the microwave.
I sat down at the kitchen table while the oven worked its magic, put my head in my hands and cried. Hell, I was only fourteen years old. I sat there exploring my options for a minute or two. In the end I decided that running away wouldn’t help. Nothing would help.
The microwave oven pinged and I began making meatballs as my eyes swelled with tears. Was this all I had to look forward to for the rest of my life? A sudden wave of exhaustion nearly knocked me off my feet. I sat down again, before I fell down.
I shouldn’t be feeling this tired. The painting job had been a simple one. As easy as it had been, I thought about raising my rates. People seemed too eager to hire me. Nah, now was not the time to get greedy. I filed such thoughts away for future reference. I still felt like running away, but there was nowhere to go.
With dinner cooking, I told Sam I was going out for a few minutes and exited before he could reply. I felt like Shandy was the only one in the universe that understood me and with her in mind I ran across the street and into my house. She ran over and sat at my feet looking up at me with eyes of adoration. I bent over, hugged her tight, and told her that I missed her too. She followed me into the kitchen with her tail wagging at break-neck speed.
Aunt Melissa was scoping out the kitchen contents as if trying to decide just what to make for dinner. "Hi Auntie M," I said as I rushed over to embrace her. "What are you up to?" I asked knowing full well.
"I’m trying to decide just what to make for dinner, and whether or not to invite you and your husband." I smiled at her and told her that dinner was already in the oven and that she and Mom were more than welcome to join us.
"So you actually do know how to cook?" she cried as a booming laugh found it’s way out.
"Just bring my mother and your appetite," I said as I finally calmed down. I felt so much better over here. The only thing that made sense was that being at Sam’s sent me into the depths of despair. I knew it was crazy, but I decided at that moment that we were going to eat over here. I’d simply bring the meatballs over in a casserole dish when they were finished. I brightened at the thought.
"In fact, since I’m in such a good mood, I’m going to bring dinner over here," I told her without revealing my true reasons for doing so. Aunt Melissa smiled at me and began helping me set the table in the dining room. As much as I hated having given up my room, I found myself feeling more sad at the prospect of Aunt Mel leaving. I just had to find a way past all of this.
"You can make the salad," I said to her in an authoritative manner. I’ll take care of everything else. I told her I’d be right back and ran down to the corner market to pick up a loaf of Italian bread. No one ever looked at me anymore in a way that suggested that I wasn’t who I appeared to be. In a way that made me happy, yet in another way I was saddened that no one seemed to miss "John." I guess you just can’t please some people I considered and laughed sardonically at my own twisted sense of humor.
I walked back in the front door, strolled into the kitchen, handed Auntie M the loaf and said: "here, do something with this." My heart just wasn’t in it. I could tell she was tempted to ask me what was wrong, but was wise enough to just let it be. I began to feel better just being "there." I kept reminding myself that current living conditions were only temporary. I went back across the street to check on the meatballs and to inform Sam that we were eating dinner at "my" house.
He didn’t question why. He seemed to know intuitively that I simply needed to be there. The faintest bit of resentment began building with regards to Sam’s overall cavalier attitude. Though he had his moments, he didn’t really seem to care about anything other than baseball. I prayed that I was mistaken.
We went back over to my house as a couple and Sam made a beeline for the fridge. Thankfully, he simply poured himself a glass of iced tea and sat down at the head of the table waiting for his dinner. No offers of help. I was glad that he’d given up alcohol, but still a bit dismayed about his lack of willingness to pitch in. Aunt Melissa asked him how he was feeling and he replied that he was fine but really missed playing baseball.
Mom arrived home on time and no one thought it odd that we hadn’t invited Aunt Alice to join us. She hadn’t been home when we left. Personally, I needed a break from her and didn’t remind anyone of her absence. Auntie M oohed and ahhed over my meatballs and made me promise to give her my recipe. I was pretty sure she had it already, but of course I promised to write it down for her.
The dinner discussion turned to the mundane and for the most part I simply tuned it out. My ears perked up when Sam mentioned his appointment with Dr. Feingold on Thursday morning. I was filled with fear that she’d tell Sam there was no reason he couldn’t resume playing. Of course, that was a double-edged sword. I wanted him to be happy and healthy, but I didn’t want him putting the twins at risk again.
Dinner over, I enlisted Sam’s help in cleaning up. It only annoyed me that I had to ask for his assistance. He started going on about some sports’ biography that he just had to watch later in the evening. Were we growing apart? I reminded myself that I had my own interests which would leave Sam feeling cold. It was healthy to have different interests, wasn’t it? With the kitchen all squared away, I ushered him into the living room and sat him down on the couch putting the remote in his waiting hand.
I went back into the kitchen and began preparing dessert. I wasn’t sure how it would be received. Slices of apples, oranges, and bananas all arranged neatly on a plate. I took a deep breath and brought it in to him. He smiled at me seductively as he took the proffered bowl and began nibbling on the fruit. I was feeling restless. There was no way I’d be able to sit in front of the television all evening. I ran up to my former room and called Darla.
"Darla!" I practically screamed as she answered the phone. "How’s my favorite sister in the world doing this evening?" I began worrying that the anxiety I was feeling had somehow found its way into my voice.
"I’m just fine Joan, I hope everything’s alright with you?" she asked with some concern in her voice. I found myself hoping that she was a mind reader and would simply invite me over. It appeared that that wasn’t going to happen. We went back and forth a bit till finally I asked her how band practice had gone without me. She told me it just wasn’t the same without me there and that lifted my spirits a bit.
"You want to get together this evening?" I simply had to ask. Silence ensued. With each passing second I knew in my heart that the answer was no. "It’s ok, Darl, never mind, " I managed to blurt out before she could say anything. Maybe I was just being too sensitive? I made up some absurd excuse as to why I had to get off the phone and quickly hung up. I’m not even sure if she said goodbye. I actually sat there waiting, hoping that she’d call me back and suggest that we get together to do something. It never happened.
I went in the bathroom, took care of business, washed my face and applied a fresh coat of makeup. I knew what I was going to do this evening. I checked on Sam and made sure he was ok, went and grabbed my old guitar, put it in the soft case, slung it over my shoulder and headed for the beach. It had been awhile since I’d played at all. I figured that the gulls wouldn’t be too upset by my performance.
I walked up the ramp to the boardwalk when a voice called out. "Hey Joan! How’s my baby?" It was Billy. Where the hell did he get off calling me his baby?
"I’m fine Billy, but I’m not your baby."
"Not you asshole, my baby that’s growing inside of Samantha’s womb." I felt every muscle in my body tense. I ripped the guitar off of my shoulder and let it bounce on the boardwalk. I hit him square on the jaw before either one of us even knew what was happening. He collapsed on the boards right in front of my eyes. His two friends with him began laughing hysterically. I turned around and went to retrieve my guitar.
"You going to let some tranny kick the shit out of you?" his friends asked him as he lay there licking his wounds. As I bent down to pick up my instrument, he attacked me from behind. He may have been good at baseball, but he couldn’t fight his way out of a wet paper bag.
"Billy, we don’t have to do this," I said in a solemn voice.
"Yeah Joan, we do," he said and came at me again.
"All right then, let’s do it on the beach where we won’t interfere with those trying to enjoy their vacations." I didn’t bother removing my shoes and made my way down the ramp and onto the beach. Billy was one step behind.
"This isn’t going to be like the last time I kicked your ass Billy. You can still walk away now, but if you insist on doing this, I’m going to finish it." I said the words calmly with no trace of fear in my voice. Had it been just the two of us, I’m pretty sure he’d have walked away. But, his friends were present and he had to save face.
"Just kick the faggot’s ass and let’s get out of here already," one of his friends offered. I had no idea who those two were, but it was clear that Billy was out to impress them.
I wasn’t in the mood to simply dance out of the way of his punches, though that would have been easy. I was intent on inflicting some serious pain. I dodged out of the way of his roundhouse right and hit him hard with a left uppercut. It literally knocked him off his feet. I was done being polite. I wasn’t going to wait around for him to get up and attack me again. I climbed atop him and began pummeling his face. When I was sure he no longer posed any threat, I stopped. His friends were no longer laughing or urging him on. They stood there with their own jaws agape as if they feared I’d turn my attention on them next.
"Billy, if I ever hear you say anything like that again I’m going to kill you." A quick look of terror danced across his face. I was ashamed and embarrassed by my own behavior. My stomach was churning. I was violently ill. I quickly jumped off of him, grabbed my guitar and began walking away. None of them made a sound in my wake.
When I’d walked far enough, when I turned around and saw nothing but faint lights behind me, when I heard nothing but the sound of the crashing surf surround me, I sat down and wept. Had I really just threatened to kill someone? At the time I’d said those words, I meant them. Still, having calmed down, could I actually do something like that? I wasn’t sure one way or the other. I only hoped that my message had gotten through.
His words of torment chewed at my being. Had he really made love to Sam? When could he have done that? The night that he admitted kissing him? Had they taken it further? There was no way I could ask him if it was indeed the case. Expressing such doubts would destroy our relationship. But, what if it were true? My body became wracked with dry heaves. Soon I was spewing my dinner everywhere around me. Was there any way to find out the "truth" of the matter without raising any alarms? I found myself filled with self-loathing for even having any doubts.
This, however, was too big. I couldn’t simply swallow it and hope for the best. Sam might hate me forever, but I just had to ask him. For a moment, I worried that I might not believe him no matter what his response. Still, I began to calm down as I thought about Sam. If the babies were Billy’s he wouldn’t have married me. He’d have had the abortion despite my protests. I knew that baseball was the most important thing in his life and he’d never have offered to give up the sport if not for me and the twins.
Logically, I knew I was right. Unfortunately, the world wasn’t always a logical place. Perhaps Sam was just blocking out any experience he’d had with Billy? I was going to drive myself crazy if I continued on in this vein. It was time to go home and ask Sam himself. Before rising, I opened my guitar case and checked out my six string. It hadn’t suffered any ill effects from my carelessness. I closed the case up, hugged the guitar to my chest and apologized to it for treating it so rashly.
The walk home was a long one. I half expected to see Billy still laid out where I’d left him. Thankfully, he was gone. I never wanted to be that angry again. I found myself thinking about Darla. Why had she treated me so coldly? Had she and Fred found a replacement for me? Was that what this was about? For an instant I found myself thinking that friends were more trouble than they were worth. But, without friends what have you got? Why was I feeling so fucking sad?
I arrived home and walked in the front door. Sam was still sitting on the couch watching the end of some movie titled *61. It was some kind of baseball story. There was a time when I would have cared. That time had passed.
"Sam, I’ve got to talk to you," I told him with some urgency. He looked up at me with concern as the final credits began to roll across the screen. Did I see a trace of fear in his eyes? I sighed aloud.
"I ran into a friend of yours earlier," I said matter-of-factly. He sat there and waited patiently for me to continue. I knew I should probably just bottle up all the feelings that were assaulting me, but I just couldn’t. I simply blurted it all out. "Sam, I ran into Billy and he told me that he was the one that made you pregnant."
A cavalcade of emotions swept over his face. Fear, disbelief, anger, hurt, and finally love. He didn’t get angry. It may have flashed in his eyes for a split-second but in the final analysis, the only thing there was love.
"Joan, sweetheart, come here." I was still battling my own anger and found myself unable to move. I squeezed my eyes tight and willed my body to take a step forward in his direction. It seemed to take forever, but eventually I found myself safely in his arms. "How could that bastard even say such a thing to you? Joan, you’re the only one I’ve ever been with. Before you say or think anything else, listen to me. You know the real story of my own father. Do you think I’d attempt to perpetuate the same kind of fraud on you? Darling, I’m not angry with you," he said as he read the fear in my own eyes.
"It must have been horrible when that bastard assaulted you with those words. I can’t begin to imagine the pain that they inflicted. I hope you didn’t kill him?" he half-laughed and smiled at me. I had no desire to tell him how I’d whupped him soundly. I only knew that I’d do anything to defend Sam’s honor and my own.
"Sam, I’m sorry I let that pig’s words upset me. I hope you can forgive me?" I said as tears filled my eyes.
He held me tight and shushed me as my tears began to fall. I felt so much better being with Sam here in my house than I did with him at the Peters’ residence. What was wrong with me? Why should that make any difference?
We got up and said goodnight to Mom and Aunt Melissa. With arms wrapped around each other we slowly made our way across the street and up to his bed. He slept peacefully, nestled in my embrace.
Tuesday morning arrived and I awoke feeling, well, feeling great! Had I undergone some magical transformation last night while I slept? I kissed Sam gently and carefully removed myself from the bed. Today was going to be a busy day. I ran downstairs and had a quick bowl of cheerios.
Thankfully, Aunt Alice was nowhere in attendance. I packed myself a meatball sandwich and headed off for work. I had three paint jobs that I hoped to finish before my day was done. A bit ambitious perhaps, but we really needed to start socking away some money.
There was a staggering amount of money to be dealt with already. Wedding gifts in varying amounts totaling well over five thousand dollars. Sam and I needed to open a joint account. I decided that for now at least, I was going to keep my earnings in my own account. It just seemed to make more sense to me. For the first time in my life I’d amassed more than $1500. Yes, I realized that in the "real world" that amount was a mere pittance, still it was a beginning.
As I made my way to the Boswell’s, I remembered that Melissa’s wedding was this Sunday. I hadn’t spoken with her at all since Sam and I got back from Sea Bright. The days just seemed to be zooming by. By six o’clock I was done with all three jobs. I really was getting good at this. School? We don’t need no stinkin school, I thought to myself and as I’d been doing a bit too often of late, began laughing out loud.
There was a certain satisfaction to be taken from the work. More often than not anymore, I found myself making suggestions to my client as to what part of their home they might want to tackle next. Tips were starting to become more common as well. I found myself headed home with well over two hundred dollars in my purse. I was still curious as to how Sarah was making out sanding for Mr. Ferris.
Sam greeted me at the front door when I arrived "home." He hugged me tight, kissed me, told me he missed me and had been thinking about me all day. It felt good to be fussed over in that way. We stood there dancing round and round in the tiny foyer.
"Sam, you do realize that Melissa’s wedding is this Sunday? I should give her a call and make sure that everything’s ok with her." He hugged me tighter.
"Where did I ever find you?" he asked facetiously. "I know I don’t say this often enough, but I love you Joan."
Those three simple words meant more to me than any others he could have offered. Sometimes I was overcome with doubt. You couldn’t turn on the television without hearing about some famous couple that was ending their relationship. Why should we be any different? Nothing in my personal experience said anything different to me. Aunt Alice and Mom, both had failed relationships. Was true love simply a myth? With those thoughts in mind, I held him just a bit tighter and told him that I’d always love him.
I made us a simple dinner. Well, it was too late to start something from scratch, so I reheated some meatballs and pasta and prepared a fresh salad. Aunt Alice once again hadn’t been present. Was she avoiding me? I smiled to myself and thought that I’d have to thank her if that was indeed the case. Somehow, she had a way of making me feel that I just wasn’t good enough. We’d never really been close, but lately she seemed to be working at cross-purposes.
It was Tuesday evening and I only had three jobs left for the week. I busied myself on the phone and lined up three more. That would have to be enough. What with Sam’s Doctor’s appointment on Thursday and cousin Melissa’s wedding on Sunday, I now had a full plate.
On Wednesday, the drugs I’d ordered from the overseas pharmacy finally arrived. I now held within my hands the power to make the changes I’d been longing for actually happen. The entirety of emotions washed over me. Fear, trepidation, longing, hunger, need, and yes, outright worry that taking them would somehow destroy my relationship with Sam.
I took the package, unopened, and stored it in the bottom drawer of my bedroom dresser. I needed some time to consider the ramifications of my actions. I had a very slight swelling in my chest, my nipples were growing just a bit, and the overall sensitivity of my breasts was driving me mad at times. Was I ready to take it to the next level?
Unfortunately, there was nowhere I could turn for help. The laws of the land were against me and I was already violating the Benjamin Standards of Care. If I was going to do this, it would have to be my decision, and mine alone. I wondered if maybe Dr. Feingold could recommend an endocrinologist? A doctor who could help me keep track of the hormone levels in my bloodstream. I put such thoughts away for now and went back to work.
The rest of the work day passed quickly. I was somewhat amazed that I was earning more than a lot of adults were. Well, that was true only if I kept up my current pace. While I could handle it on a personal level, would there be enough work out there to keep me occupied?
Sam had dinner waiting for me when I got home. I smiled at him profusely. Although his offering was barely edible, I savored each and every bite...
Joan and Sam continue to adjust to their new life as the summer winds down. Plans are made to attend cousin Melissa's wedding.
Chapter 6
We Should Always be Together
I had no idea what prompted him to make my dinner. He also insisted on doing the clean up when it was over, though I did try and protest. The warmth generated by our bodies as we hugged soothed my soul. He insisted that I go out to the living room and sit down. I really wanted a smoke, but was going to cut back as much as possible and hopefully leave the damn things behind entirely.
I was sitting on the couch with the TV on for background when I remembered that Sam had been reading a book. I smiled as I recalled his feeble attempt to hide it from me. He’d slid it under the couch. I reached underneath without looking and of course my hand found his reading material.
I almost wept as I read the title. "Prenatal Care in the 21st Century." He did care! My heart leapt with joy at the realization. I almost couldn’t believe it. He’d always been so nonchalant about the whole thing. I jumped off the couch and ran into the kitchen with the book clutched firmly in my hands.
"Sam!" I yelled out to him as he stood at the sink with his eyes focused outside the window over the sink. I ran up behind him and hugged him. "You do care!" I yelled yet again though my mouth was only inches from his ears.
"Joan, be careful! There are knives in there," he said indicating the wash basin in the sink. The Peters had a dishwasher but it hadn’t been used in ages.
"Oh Sam! I love you so!" I hugged him so tight that he actually shrieked with pain. I finally realized that he was teasing me and broke out in a fit of giggles. He slowly turned around and saw why I was so excited. I’d placed the book on the kitchen table right there in front of us.
He stared deep into my eyes. "Joan, I just want to give our children the best chance possible and thought this might help," he said indicating the book.
"Maybe we can read it together?" I offered wanting to become as involved in all of this as possible. He smiled at me, caressed my hair gently, and kissed me deeply with a fervent passion. Finally he released me and I began drying off the dishes that he placed in the rack. It felt so right, the two of us working together. After the last dish had been put away I picked up the phone and called cousin Melissa.
I asked her if everything was going according to plan. She laughed in response and asked me if I thought something might have changed? She then went on to ask me if I’d fill in as one of her bridesmaids. Her friend Sue had suffered a broken leg in a water-skiing accident and while she planned on attending, would be unable to perform her bridesmaid chores.
I told her that I’d love to, but I didn’t have a gown or anything else for that matter. She laughed in return and told me she was certain that Sue’s gown would fit me without needing any alterations. It seemed I would be attending my second wedding in a month’s time as a member of the wedding party. Finally, I told her that I’d be happy to help out but only if I could be partnered with Sam. She burst out laughing and told me to consider it done.
There were plans in place for a rehearsal/dinner on Saturday. We both began giggling and going on about the upcoming wedding. At some point during our conversation Sam picked up the book and headed into the living room. She told me that her father would be arriving on Friday. I hadn’t seen Uncle Harry in years. I began wondering if he planned on taking up residence in my bedroom as well.
I quickly caught myself and remembered that the only reason Aunt Melissa was here was because I’d asked her to come. I found myself getting sad as I realized that more changes were on the horizon. What would become of us all when she finally went back home?
We finally said our goodbyes and I made my way to the living room. I sat down next to my husband who was reading intently. I put my arm around him and began gently massaging his shoulder. He laughed and leaned forward to grant me access to both of them. The next half-hour passed quickly as I sat there erasing the tension that had built up in them.
We made love that night. It felt like the first time. Everything was just perfect. We fell asleep in embrace and I drifted off as his breath washed gently over my cheek.. I dreamed once again of the twins. They were fighting and Sam was the arbiter. He had them both laughing and giggling before they could remember what they’d been fighting about. He was a very special father. I was truly blessed.
Thursday morning arrived and Sam had his doctor’s appointment. I was a bit distressed at being unable to attend. I had three more jobs to complete before my day would be done. Sam seemed a bit upset that I wouldn’t be going with him. I told him that he’d be fine and patted his rear affectionately as I headed out the door.
The work went smoothly. By two o’clock I was already started on my last job of the day. Both of those jobs were quite simple; bedrooms. Sometimes when I finished so quickly people would eye me with a bit of resentment before handing over the money. As if to suggest that if they’d known it was going to be that easy, they’d have done it themselves.
I smiled to myself as I realized it wasn’t nearly as easy as I made it look. The Boone home was a more difficult task. Once again I had to explain that the job was going to cost far more than sixty dollars. I managed to finish up by seven o’clock and was on my way home.
I was anxious to see Sam. What had Dr. Feingold said to him? I feared that Sam would be back at the ballpark with the boys. As he greeted me at the front door, I could see a look of sadness in his eyes. My heart quickly found its way to my throat as I worried for my babies. "Sam? What’s wrong?" I almost screamed.
He hugged me close and began weeping. I’ve never been so scared in my life. "Sam, sweetheart, what is it?" I asked gently and tried to keep the tremor out of my voice. I waited for him to reply as I stood there fearing the worst.
"Dr. Feingold told me that I’ll have to forget about baseball for the rest of the season," he cried. My heart began beating again. I’d been so worried for the twins that I hadn’t even considered Sam’s feelings for the game. "She also told me that it wasn’t too late to stop all of this," he half-whispered. Every muscle in my body tensed as I digested what he was telling me.
I thought we were way passed all of this. I thought that we’d bought our tickets and were on our way to our final destination. Was I simply asking too much of him? Was it fair of me to insist that he continue? I fought back my doubts. "Well Sam, if that’s what we have to do, then that’s what we have to do," I said as bravely as I could.
He eyed me suspiciously. "You think I should abort the twins?" he asked seriously.
"Sam, I love you with all of my heart, and I love our babies even more. But, if playing baseball is more important to you than anything, then maybe you should follow the doctor’s suggestion." My eyes filled with tears and my heart filled with hate as I stood there awaiting his response. Hate for the doctor who saw my babies as nothing more than a mass of cell tissue. My knees went weak and I felt my eyes roll back in my head as I collapsed in his arms.
When I opened my eyes I was lying on the couch with my head in Sam’s lap. He looked down at me with tears still streaming. A sad smile covered his face. "Joan, I’m sorry." The look in his eyes sent me into yet another tailspin. Had the doctor already performed the murder of my babies?
"Sam, you didn’t? You couldn’t?" I screamed with the last bit of hope left in me. He continued to cry and told me that he hadn’t, but that he’d been sorely tempted. As I lay there, I shifted to my side and wrapped my arms around him and began incessantly kissing his belly. "I love you Sam," I said yet again.
He looked down at me sadly and simply replied, "I know." The words were softly spoken, but the pain was sharp. Was that what he’d felt when I gave that very response back to him at the beginning of it all? No wonder he’d responded as he had. I was determined not to let his response get to me the way that mine had gotten to him. We were in this together. Till death do us part, together. Those weren’t some words spoken merely out of custom and tradition. I was determined to make this work and not just mind-numbingly work, but work with a sense of pride and joy for all of us.
Friday arrived and I had to get to work yet again. Three jobs to complete and then a weekend of wedding. I left Sam asleep and smiling as I headed out the door. I hoped that he wouldn’t come to resent his decision as the baseball season wore on. He’d made some friends on the team. Surely they would now all come to hate him. I sighed aloud as I pedaled to the Liebovitz’s home.
I found it hard to smile as I stood there ringing their doorbell. Moments later the maid let me in. It was quite a getup she was wearing. She didn’t know what to make of the smile that I granted her as I was led to the scene of the crime. I soon became lost in my work and was grateful for that opportunity. Three hours later I was off to the Hoffman’s after stopping briefly for lunch. I spent the rest of the work day on auto-pilot and headed home just after seven.
My purse was overflowing. I’d have to make a trip to the bank in the morning. I put the bulk of my earnings in one of the drawers that I’d co-opted from Sam and made my way downstairs. He seemed a bit lost to the world. "Come on Sam, we’re getting out of here," I said as I pulled him up off the couch. The only way to gain his cooperation was to bribe him with food. Finally in a standing position he wrapped his arms around me and steeled me in an embrace. I smiled up at him confidently and led him to the door.
Sam’s determination increased with every step. I grew a bit nervous as he led me to the boardwalk. What if Billy and his pals were wandering about? I worried for the twins. Still, Sam didn’t seem to have a care in the world and I wasn’t about to burst his bubble. We made our way to one of the nicer restaurants with a view of the ocean while we dined. He eyed me with guilt as I paid the bill. I smiled at him and told him not to worry about it. He was a quick study and soon we were on our way.
The evening spent was simply heavenly. A few girls started flirting with Sam and he held up his hand showing off his ring, shrugged his shoulders, laughed, and held me a bit tighter. I laughed along with him. And then, as we made our way home I realized that I’d be unavailable for band practice again this weekend. I’m not sure why that even came to mind at the moment, but it did.
Would Fred and Darla understand? Had they replaced me already? Maybe I could schedule something with them for Monday. The band really was important to me. My life had become so full in the last few months it was hard to know where to begin anymore. I couldn’t remember the last friendly conversation I’d had with Darla. It seemed forever ago. Ah well, no use in worrying about it now. I’d simply call her in the morning and figure out where things stood.
"Earth to Joan, come in Joan," Sam shouted at me. I arrived back in the moment feeling a wee bit uneasy. "What’s wrong sweetheart?"
"Sam, I was just thinking about the band. It’s been weeks since we’ve practiced together. I hope they aren’t planning on replacing me," I sighed.
"Well, I haven’t heard the three of you perform together, but I do know one thing. You simply have to be the best one in the band, so how could they possibly think of replacing perfection?"
I smiled up at him and hugged him gratefully. Those were words I needed to hear. Whether they were true or not was not important. The fact that he said them and meant them was. We walked home arm in arm. It felt nice leaning against him as we made the leisurely stroll.
Saturday morning! I was up early and filled with concern. I realized that I hadn’t even gone over to meet Uncle Harry last night. I felt a lot more comfortable explaining my situation to women than I did to men. Hopefully, no explanations would be required. Hell, I hadn’t seen Uncle Harry since I was five years old.
I put a load of laundry in, took a shower, and headed across the street. It was eight o’clock as I walked through the front door. I almost felt like a visitor in my own home. It was weird. Shandy, not standing on protocol, reminded me of my place in the overall scheme of things. I wrapped my arms around her golden fur and hugged her tightly. Her mile-long tongue kept searching for a spot on my face that hadn’t yet been bathed in saliva. Her nails clicked on the floor as she followed me into the kitchen.
Aunt Melissa was sitting at the table with a cup of coffee and a cigarette looking a bit down. "Auntie M, is something wrong?" I felt compelled to ask. She looked up at me with a wan smile and extended her arms to me. I moved forward and was embraced in a vise-like hug.
"Oh Joan, don’t ever change!" she exclaimed as a tear rolled down her cheek. It was then that I really began to worry.
"What’s the matter? Everything’s ok with Dan and Melissa, isn’t it?" My first thoughts were of the wedding couple. She finally released her grip on me, told me to pour myself a cup of coffee and sit down. I did as directed.
"It’s your Uncle Harry. It seems his only daughter’s wedding isn’t important enough for him to take time off from work. Sure, it’s a long flight from Brisbane, but it’s the most important day in Melissa’s life. How could he do this?" Without thinking, I grabbed one of the cigarettes from the pack on the table and lit it. It had been a few days since I’d had a smoke. I cursed the relief that washed through me as I inhaled.
"Oh Aunt Melissa! I’m so sorry!" She looked at me angrily for my expression of sympathy. "I wish there was something that I could do?" I stated helplessly. Her lips turned downward, she frowned into her cup and lighted another cigarette. I wasn’t about to remind her that she already had one burning in the ashtray.
"No worries, Joan. We’ll carry on as best we can. We’ve got a wedding to prepare for and, I understand you’ve been promoted to bridesmaid!" Her enthusiasm for the upcoming wedding almost seemed believable, but I could tell her heart was breaking on the inside. "It seems the Nuall girls are unlucky in love," she said and laughed sardonically. It took me a moment to process that. I hadn’t even known my own mother’s maiden name.
With my own distant relationship with my own grandparents, I guess that was to be expected. Still, it struck me as odd that I hadn’t known till now.
A thought occurred to me. "Aunt Melissa, are there any extra seats available for the reception?" Yes, perhaps it was selfish to be thinking of myself, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to invite Darla and Fred if at all possible.
"What did you have in mind, Joan?"
"Well, you remember my friend Darla, and Fred, you know, the guy that did the music and the photography? I was wondering if it might be possible to invite them?" I asked hopefully. Hell, I had no idea whether or not they’d even want to attend. Still, I felt compelled to do something.
"Joan, the wedding is tomorrow. Do you actually think they’d even want to come?" she asked seriously forgetting her own troubles for the moment. How did I answer her very real question? I put my brain on hold and responded.
"Honestly, I’m not sure, but I’d love to be able to ask them. If there are any seats available, that is?" I asked pleadingly. She smiled at me in understanding and told me that of course it would be alright if I wanted to invite my friends. She went on to explain that there was at least ONE cancellation that she knew about and laughed.
I hugged her tight, thanked her and spent the next few hours doing yard work. Shandy was busily at work protecting the perimeter and followed me up and down as I mowed the back yard. I was excited at the prospect of Fred and Darla attending the wedding. Eleven o’clock finally arrived and I figured it was time to give Darla a call.
"Darla? It’s Joan," I said as I heard her pick up.
"What do you want Joan?" she asked aggressively. This wasn’t going well at all. My enthusiasm for the whole idea died in my throat. I figured that since I couldn’t practice this weekend that at least we’d all be able to spend some time together. I sighed aloud.
The seconds ticked by as I contemplated just what to say. I finally figured that the best and only way was to simply come out with it. "Well, I was wondering whether you and Fred would like to attend my cousin’s wedding tomorrow?"
"What, did your cousin’s DJ cancel on her and she needs a replacement?" That cut to the bone. I hung up the phone before she could hear the cry that was lodged in my throat. What had I done to upset her? She’d been acting a bit aloof for some time now. I felt horrible as I stood there staring at the phone. How could she treat me this way?
Not a minute went by before the phone started ringing. I lunged for it anxiously. "Joan? Joan, I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me?" A moment ago, I’d have forgiven her anything. Now, her simple apology set me on edge.
I fought for control and finally, I asked her: "Darla, what have I done that you’d treat me this way?" I couldn’t hide the pain that I’d been feeling any longer and the tears burst forth.
The sound of her own tears echoed in my ears. "You haven’t done anything Joan. Really, you haven’t. Sometimes though, when I look at Fred and remember the way he held you in his arms and kissed you, it just upsets me. I hope you can understand and forgive me?" she blurted into the receiver.
I guess I’d never thought about things in that way. It kind of made sense and I felt bad about the whole thing. "Darla, I’m so sorry. Hey? We’re sisters remember? No guy should ever come between us, and I promise you that none ever will!" I didn’t know what else to say? I hoped it would be enough.
"So, where and when is this wedding tomorrow?" she asked seriously. I smiled into the phone and gave her the particulars. She promised me that both she and Fred would be there if she had to chain him to the roof of his own car. I laughed at that and told her I loved her. The whole mood had changed in minutes’ time. We finally said our goodbyes and I felt better about everything. I was at peace with myself for the moment.
Looking at the clock on the wall, I realized I’d better go and check on Sam. I practically ran across the street and into the front door. Sam was sitting on the couch with a huge bowl of cereal on his lap laughing at the insane goings on of the cartoon characters on the television in front of him. I envied him his peaceful outlook. Hell, today was a game day and he hadn’t once mentioned the ‘Waves.’ I wasn’t about to press my luck and bring it up myself. I was just glad that he was here and safe.
Just one more thing for me to feel guilty about, I suppose. I sighed aloud as he sat there laughing at the animation before him. "So, are you ready for the wedding rehearsal today? You can’t sit there all afternoon, we have to go and pick up your tux." Was I turning into some kind of shrew? He looked at me curiously for a moment before his brain finally clicked.
"Oh, right. I guess I’d better go and get cleaned up then? How are we getting to Taylor’s?" Yes, a tuxedo rental place named appropriately, Taylor’s. I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t even considered transportation.
"Is your mother home?" I hated to ask Aunt Alice for a ride, and if we had to we could do it by bicycle, but getting the tux back home would be difficult indeed.
"She should be in the kitchen," he replied. Without another word I made my way into the kitchen. Aunt Alice sat at the table staring blankly out the window into her own backyard.
"Aunt Alice, do you think you could give me and Sam a ride to pick up his tuxedo?" I asked politely.
"Excuse me?" she retorted. Her eyes danced about in anger. What was with everyone these days? Some kind of anger epidemic seemed to be in play. And then it hit me. She wasn’t put off by my request, but by the fact that I’d referred to her as ‘Aunt Alice.’ I’m not sure why I was having such difficulty with the term, but I’d sooner retrieve the tux on my bike before I’d call her ‘Mom.’
She stared at me challengingly. "Do you think you could give me and Sam a ride to pick up his tux?" I asked again. I prayed that she wouldn’t make an issue of it. She read the look of desperation in my eyes and considered that victory enough.
"Sure I can, daughter," she said smirking. She was acquiescing and letting me know that I’d displeased her at the same time. I really hated these mind games. Still, there was enough going on already to get involved in a pissing contest with Aunt Alice.
"That would be great!" I ran back to the living room to fetch Sam. He carried his bowl into the kitchen and told me he was ready to go, while burping loudly towards the window. I didn’t want to fight with him over his appearance and simply asked him if he was ready to go. Moments later we were on our way to the store.
Sam refused to try on the tuxedo insisting that his dimensions hadn’t changed in the last couple of weeks. I studied his middle carefully and was about to suggest otherwise when I decided to simply leave it alone. Aunt Alice’s mood had changed and she actually seemed a bit excited about the wedding. Her attitude change quickly put a smile on my face. Sam as usual, seemed oblivious to all that was going on around him.
Bobby McGee (yep, named after the character in the song), a classmate of ours was working part time at the tuxedo store. All bets were off when he asked Sam why he wasn’t at the game. Sam’s eyes clouded over and I broke in explaining that Sam had suffered an injury and wouldn’t be able to play for the rest of the season. I needn’t have wasted my efforts. Bobby’s eyes glazed over as I made my explanation. He simply offered his condolences and we were on our way.
Sam’s mood had shifted so rapidly that I began to worry about him. Then, I realized, that hormones probably had a lot to do with it. Still, that didn’t explain the sudden shift in Aunt Alice’s attitude as well, or did it? I smiled at the insanity of it all as we made our way home.
The family attends cousin Melissa's wedding. Joan receives an exciting new job offer. The whole family somehow becomes involved in the decision making process.
Chapter 7
In My Life
Seeing Bobby like that reminded me that the new school year was rapidly approaching. Bobby was a pop-warner football hero and bigger than Sam himself. Not really taller, just wider by half. He seemed to recognize us both and didn’t go ballistic at my own appearance. I was hopeful for the new year.
The rehearsal dinner turned out to be more fun than the actual wedding. Things had turned about for Mom and Aunt Melissa. Now it was Mom comforting her sister. The closeness that they’d once shared as children had been rekindled. I was so happy for both of them. Of course, I began to wonder if I’d ever get my room back, but that would be a small price to pay. I began to make a list of arguments to present to Aunt Mel as to why she should stay. She’d become an integral part of our lives in a short period of time and we really needed her here with us.
Mom took care of Aunt Melissa as she drank herself into oblivion. She took great pains to assure my cousin that all would be well for the wedding. If Melissa had any concerns regarding her father’s absence, they weren’t showing. She was flying high in anticipation of the vows she would speak on the morrow.
It was fun meeting Melissa’s friends from work and old college cronies. It was easy to see that she’d told them all about me and Sam. They were all accepting and seemingly happy for the love that I shared with my husband. It seemed the bridesmaid’s gown that was Susan’s hand-me-down was a bit large in the waist. I giggled when I tried it on. Melissa cautioned me not to say anything to her. We shared a laugh and Mom promised to make the slight alterations for me when we got home.
When we finally arrived home it was after eleven. Aunt Alice was up and waiting for us. She seemed a bit annoyed at not having been invited to the rehearsal dinner. "Joan, your friend Darla called and said that if you arrived home before midnight that you should give her a call."
What could Darla want that would require a call this late in the evening? I put all thoughts of worry aside and ran for the phone. "Darla, it’s Joan, what’s up?" I said into the receiver when she answered my call.
"Joan, you have to be over at my house at nine o’clock tomorrow morning," she said in a commanding tone. I thought about telling her that it would be impossible, that the wedding was at two and I needed time to make myself beautiful. In the end I simply told her I’d be there and hung up the phone. Perhaps I should have sought an explanation, I thought to myself as I headed up to bed.
I was up at seven and busily at work by seven thirty. A load of laundry and a quick going over in the kitchen. It seemed both Sam and Aunt Alice were following my lead in keeping the kitchen clean. My mind began spinning as I grabbed my bike out of the garage and made my way to Darla’s.
What could she possibly want at nine o’clock on a Sunday morning? Fred greeted me with a smile at the front door and ushered me down into the basement. Darla sat behind her drum kit and thanked me for being prompt. "What’s going on?" I just had to ask.
"Well kiddo, we haven’t practiced in a few weeks and I thought we’d take an hour or so to do a bit now," Fred said with a huge smile on his face. I hadn’t brought any equipment with me, but Fred has us covered in that department. He put the CD on the stereo and we listened to it once. I was intimately familiar with the tune and told him so. An hour later we had it nailed. I wanted to keep going, but Darla urged me on my way. I smiled at her and hugged them both as I made my exit.
Back home Sam was all excited about the wedding. He was reading the paper as I came in with the sports pages open on the kitchen table. It seems the Waves had managed to eek out another victory. There was a brief mention of Sam’s absence. The official story had it that Sam was done for the season due to an ankle injury. The look on his face told me he didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I felt like it was all my fault. I hugged him close and told him I was sorry one more time. He reassured me that I had nothing be sorry about and insisted that he wasn’t. The manner in which he delivered the words had me believing him.
We spent half an hour playing in the shower together. We were acting like a couple of kids. I smiled as I realized that’s just what we were. I swatted his behind with a towel when we’d finished and he quickly grabbed it away from me and returned the favor. If we hadn’t been pressed for time, I know just how we’d have spent the rest of the afternoon. I told Sam I’d be back in a little bit and went home to see if Mom had made the alterations on my gown.
"Well, the princess has finally arrived for her fitting," Aunt Mel greeted me as I walked through the door. I was a bit taken aback by her comment. There was no joy in her eyes. Perhaps familiarity did breed contempt?
"Is something wrong?" I asked not really caring one way or the other. I was getting tired of absorbing the emotions of those around me. Aunt Melissa ushered me into the sewing room where my gown was hanging in the closet. Unlike most bridesmaid’s gowns this one was beautiful. Clearly meant specifically for the occasion, but definitely worth the cost. I tried it on and it hung just perfectly. The low cut square neck showed just a hint of cleavage. I smiled at my reflection as I realized for the first time that my breasts were finally beginning to emerge. With the addition of my beast forms, it would look absolutely perfect.
Aunt Melissa couldn’t help it. She smiled at me as I turned this way and that in front of the mirror. I was at a loss though as to what to do about shoes. All I had were my black pumps and my white ones. While black does go with everything, it doesn’t when the other bridesmaids would be wearing matching shoes. Just as this realization sunk in, Mom came bursting through the door. She plunked down the shoe box on the sewing table and muttered, "I hope these fit."
I laughed aloud and jumped with joy as I removed the lavender shoes from the box. They did indeed fit perfectly and I smiled and hugged both Mom and Aunt Mel in turn. I felt so pretty as I stood there smiling at my reflection. Aunt Melissa insisted on doing my makeup. She told me she didn’t want me upstaging the bride and threatened to give me a bit of a clown face. I smiled wider than any clown ever had at hearing her words and let her go about her work.
She finished my face, made a mad dash to get herself ready and was out the door in half an hour’s time. Perhaps Aunt Melissa’s need for her baby sister had been just what Mom needed. I had no worries about her getting inebriated that afternoon. I helped Mom get ready and didn’t ask her if she minded if I wore my diamond studs. I knew what her reply would be. Still, I decided that it was the right time and the perfect occasion to wear them.
We headed over to Sam’s just after one. The Peters were ready as well. Fifteen minutes later we arrived at the church. Sam was led away to take care of his usher’s chores and I went to congregate with the other bridesmaids. Aunt Melissa needn’t have worried about me looking prettier than the bride. That simply wasn’t possible. Fred had designated himself the unofficial photographer. I smiled happily as I watched him taking pictures of the proceedings.
I was somewhat saddened as I compared Melissa’s wedding to my own. Still, all in all ours had been a perfect affair. Besides, I wouldn’t trade Sam for anyone else in the universe. It was the people that made the occasion, not the surroundings. I found myself rethinking those thoughts as we arrived at Bostwick Manor. I’d never seen anything so magnificent in my life. I had no idea that such places even existed. Simply put, it was a Palace. The band was playing as we made our entrance. Crystal chandeliers hung everywhere. The enormity of the place and the staff in attendance was beyond imagination. I couldn’t begin to imagine the cost of such extravagance.
Sam and I made our way to the wedding party’s table. For a moment, I felt as though I didn’t belong there. As we made our way to the table of honor, I spotted Dad and Doreen. Given her appearance, I was surprised they’d made the trip. I’d not really heard from either of them since our wedding several weeks ago. I wasn’t sure how to proceed. I was almost grateful that Uncle Harry hadn’t arrived. At least Mom and Aunt Melissa could be there for each other. They spoke a language of their own. It was almost as if they were twins themselves.
Darla appeared with Fred everywhere as he busied himself taking pictures of the event. With his camera hanging in front of him, a beer in his right hand and Darla in his left, he made the rounds. He had a self-assurance about him that was unlike any I’d ever known before. He smiled at me and asked me if I remembered the song we’d rehearsed that morning. Like I was going to forget it?
The wedding band was first rate. I’d guess that the band alone cost more than my entire wedding. Sam took it all in stride. He refused to be impressed by anything. I’m sure he’d have been a lot more excited if Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera were in attendance. In a way I was glad of his lack of appreciation. It helped keep me grounded.
As the band played and everyone milled about I beckoned Sam to come with me. I didn’t want to do this alone. Dad remained seated with Doreen who appeared unable to move about. I let go of Sam’s hand and gave them both hugs. Part of me felt like a traitor for welcoming them. I suppose the invitation had been extended thinking that they wouldn’t have the guts to actually show up. Still, I envied Doreen the radiant glow of an expectant mother. I smiled briefly as I thought of my sister.
"Well Doreen, how’s it going?" I asked in as serious a voice as I could muster.
"Everything’s going according to plan Joan, and you?" It seemed we were destined for small talk this afternoon. That was fine by me. It just didn’t feel right getting too close to them at the moment. Dad shook his head sadly as Sam told him of his inability to finish out the season with the Waves. We made our apologies and went to join the rest of the wedding party who began gathering at the table. I felt a huge sense of relief as we arrived back at our seats. I still hadn’t determined the reason for Dad’s change in attitude.
Toasts were made, dinner was served, and dancing ensued. But for the awkwardness of having my parents there, I was having a wonderful time. "So, are you ready to play, Joan?" Fred asked me. Ready to play? What the hell was he talking about? It seems Fred was friends with Mike Watkins, the drummer of the band, and he’d received permission for us to go up and play a song.
I shook my head violently from side to side as Fred grabbed my hand and pulled me up on the stage. Darla eagerly took her place behind the drums and Fred made the introductions. I was half-numb as I donned the Fender Jazz Bass handed to me. Darla counted us off and soon we were singing "In My Life" (The Beatles) as the wedding couple danced alone in the middle of the room. Fred’s voice and my own merged magically. I wasn’t used to taking a back seat when singing, but I doubted I could have sang lead on that song nearly as well as Fred.
Enthusiastic clapping ensued when we finished with urges for more from the audience. We politely declined and made our way down from the stage. I felt a rush standing up there on the stage with a bass guitar in hand. The only possible comparison would be --- really great sex. Fred noticed the look of awe on my face, hugged me gently and kissed me on the side of the head. Neither Darla nor Sam became jealous by his actions.
"So, do you want to play in that battle of the bands, or not?" he asked me as we made our way back to our tables.
"What do you think?" I replied as I jumped up and down gleefully. Darla and I shared a special hug before separating. Sam took my hand, spun me towards him and kissed me gently on the lips.
"You were wonderful sweetheart," he said graciously. With my heels on, we stood eye to eye.
"Sam, you are wonderful," I whispered softly into his ear.
Mom and Aunt Melissa kept each other in check. I could tell that Aunt Alice felt a bit out of place. As if she’d come here to support Mom and Mom gave all her attention to Aunt Mel. Surely she could understand the special needs of my Aunt that day? Grown ups, I thought and shrugged it all off.
I congratulated myself as we made our way home. I’d not had a cigarette nor a drop of alcohol the entire time. Actually, I missed neither of those particular taboos. The ladies all gathered at the kitchen table on arriving home and began chattering endlessly with cups of coffee firmly entrenched in their hands.
As much as I loved the dress, I was happy to take it off and put it in the closet. It was ten o’clock on a Sunday night and all I wanted was some alone time with Sam. I put on my jeans and my wedgies and ran across the street to see what he was up to. Sam was already perched in front of the TV with a bag of doritos in one hand and a bottle of coke in the other.
"Want to go for a walk?" I asked him. He didn’t even think about it. He jumped up from the couch, put the chips away and we made our way out the door. I thought for a moment that perhaps we should inform the Moms, but in the end I decided that we were simply entitled to some time alone.
There was only one place to go at this time of night where anything would be happening. He smiled at me wordlessly and led me towards the boardwalk. The smell of cotton candy in the air leant a certain crescendo to the day’s events. He held me close as we made our way among the throngs of vacationers. Soon we were in the arcade and I was exchanging a dollar for some dimes. Although it was one of the busiest times of year, the dime games were once again unpopular. In fact, half a dozen of the machines had been converted to the quarter variety. I guessed that before long the ten cent games would go the way of the dinosaur.
I didn’t kow-tow to Sam as we began playing. We were tied at two games apiece as we began playing our fifth and final game. I just knew I could win that series. Knowing all that Sam had been through, I eased up in that final game. No, I didn’t throw the game exactly. I just didn’t try as hard as I might have under different circumstances. Sam never doubted for a minute that he’d won of his own accord. I smiled up at him and hugged him tightly.
I stopped and purchased some cotton candy whose essence had captured my spirit earlier. Yes, I was aware that it was nothing more than spun sugar, but it tasted heavenly. Sam and I sat on a bench surveying our surroundings as we fed each other bits of the confection. Part of me still worried that Billy would rear his ugly head. I wasn’t worried for myself, but for Sam. I still wasn’t sure if I’d meant the threat I’d issued to Billy not long ago, but I hoped he wouldn’t call me on it.
We finished up our treat and continued walking. He looked at me cross-eyed as I purchased tickets for the carousel. He helped me up on my brown pony and took his rightful place on the white charger. We held hands and hummed along with the organ music that purred in the background as the ride began to spin.
"Are you tired yet sweetheart?" I asked knowing what a long day it had been.
"I’m not too tired to eat," he replied and laughed. We stopped off at Fratelli’s and bought a slice each. We ate our pizza and stared longingly into each other’s eyes. I sometimes found it hard to believe that we really belonged to one another. I was reminded of that old saying: if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Fortunately, our own relationship seemed to lie somewhere outside the field of probability.
I hugged him tight as we finished our food and made the short walk home. Home…I finally realized that home was wherever Sam was. I felt very comfortable with that realization. I stopped him several times along the short walk home just for a hug.
Monday morning. Only two weeks of summer vacation left. I’d yet to line up any jobs for the week. I was feeling lazy, but knew I had to sock away as much as I could while I could. I did a bit of vacuuming, made Sam’s breakfast, cleaned up the kitchen and made my exit. I was more than a bit surprised to find Mom and Aunt Mel sitting at the kitchen table when I walked in.
"Don’t worry Joan, it’s an official day off. I requested it months ago," Mom said and smiled up at me. I grabbed a cup of coffee and joined them. The smoke was enticing and I gave in to the urge. I had one burning question within me. ---What happens now?. I had no idea how to broach the subject. Auntie M and Mom seemed to be having a grand old time, but I could sense a certain sadness between them. I wanted to know, but I was afraid to ask Aunt Melissa when she was going home. I was afraid she might tell me.
"So, what’s on the agenda for today?" I offered as a hopeful alternative.
"Joan, Mr. Hospin called. He wants you to stop in to see him this afternoon," this from Mom. I sat there thinking that a call from Mr. Hospin could only be bad news. Although I didn’t work for him specifically, I wasn’t sure how much work I could generate on my own without his help. Mom noticed the look of worry on my face and told me not to worry. My own look in return suggested inquisitiveness. She laughed and told me that he sounded happy when he called.
If that was the case, why then didn’t he simply request that I phone him? The worry within me continued to grow. I reasoned that the only way to find out would be to get my feet in gear and make my way down to the store. Both Mom and Aunt Melissa shared a secret smile as I said my goodbyes. Obviously something was going on. Minutes later I stood outside the front door, almost afraid to walk inside.
Finally, curiosity got the best of me and in I went. Mr. Hospin greeted me with a huge smile upon his face. My worries evaporated quickly. "Mr. Hospin, it’s good to see you. My mother told me that you wanted me to come down?" He eyed me carefully as if trying to decide just what and how much to tell me. I had no idea what was going on.
"Joan, you enjoy what you’re doing, yes?" he asked rhetorically. The knot that had loosened in my stomach just moments ago began tightening up again. "I’ve got something of a project for you, if you’re interested," he continued. Of course I was interested, but I found myself wondering why all the cloak and dagger stuff in his attitude. My eyes lit up letting him know that I wanted to hear more about this particular challenge.
"Joan, are you familiar with the old Ryan Inn?" he asked me. Familiar with it, hell, I’d walked past the place at least a thousand times. When I was really little it had been quite attractive but in recent years it had fallen into disrepair and the guests it attracted seemed to resemble its exterior.
"I know the building well," I replied cautiously. I stood my ground and waited for him to continue.
"Well, the building has been sold and the new owners asked me if I could recommend someone to do the painting. It seems they plan on restoring it to its former glory. Now, there are plenty of professional contractors who’d give their eye teeth for this job, but the new owners are friends of mine and I wanted to offer the work first to someone who did quality work at a reasonable price. Do you think you can handle it?" As he finished speaking he held out a key to me. I’d never been inside the building before.
My first instinct was to tell him that there wasn’t any job I couldn’t handle. He stood there with his hand extended and waited for me to reply. A smile danced about his eyes. Clearly something was going on here. "Mr. Hospin, would you mind if I surveyed the premises before giving you a final answer?" I asked reaching out to take the key from his palm. He smiled at me in return and told me he expected nothing less. He went on to say that this job would be very different. No color selections had been made or quantities of paint purchased. The winner of the contract would be making all of those decisions herself.
Panic once again came at me out of nowhere. Did the new owners have any idea that the person making these very important decisions was a fourteen year old suffering from severe gender confusion? I had to laugh at myself. Clearly I was making more out of this than was warranted. Mr. Hospin eyed me curiously as I struggled to stop laughing. I told him that I’d be back by five o’clock with my suggestions and my bid. That put the smile back on his face. I headed back home with my feet floating several feet above the ground.
"Did everything go alright at Hospin’s?" Mom asked me as I walked through the door. I plopped myself down on a kitchen chair and stared at the two of them blankly. Mom and Aunt Melissa eyed me expectantly.
"Well, he has this incredible job offer for me. I have no idea what it entails exactly," I said holding out the key in my hand. My mind ran off in various directions as I stared down at the key. "Do you remember the old Ryan Inn?" I asked gently. Mom smiled at me and informed me that she and Dad had stayed there when they first came to Ocean years ago. I went on to tell them as much as I knew about the potential job. Mom suggested that I eat something, gather up Sam and we’d all go and take a look at the building in a little while.
I got up numbly and made my way across the street. Sam was immersed in his reading when I walked in. "Are you going to make me some lunch, or are you going to let us starve?" he asked playfully and patted his belly. I kissed him gently on the cheek and went off to the kitchen without a word. There were only two weeks left of summer vacation. In my mind’s eye, the Ryan Inn grew until it became the size of the White House. I turned my concentration to making Sam’s lunch. Preparations finished, I called Sam in.
He made no complaint and quickly joined me in the kitchen. "What’s wrong Joan?" he asked as I sat across from him eating silently.
"Finish your food sweetheart, we’re going on a little trip after lunch." I didn’t know what else to say. I cleared away the plates and ran to grab a pen and notebook. Sam didn’t press me for details. He simply did as I’d requested. Soon, Mom and Aunt Melissa were sitting in the driveway with Mom nervously tapping her hand on the horn. Sam and I quickly made our way out to the car..
Joan is offered and accepts the job to paint the Ryan Inn. A new confidence builds within her as her life finally starts coming together
Chapter 8
Love And Memories
It almost seemed silly driving over to the Ryan Inn. It was only four blocks away and a block closer to the beach. The windows on the ground floor were boarded up. We parked the car in the tiny lot in back. The lot looked like it held about fifteen cars and its state of disrepair matched the surroundings. I shook my head from side to side as I opened my door and almost tripped over a few weeds forcing their way through the bits of crumbling macadam.
What had once been a majestic old building now looked more like a haunted house than anything else. Sam shook his head from side to side and asked just what the hell we were doing there. I began wondering the same thing myself. The exterior of the building suggested that the kindest thing anyone could do for it would be to bring in the bulldozers. Mom and Aunt Mel followed us as we made our way to the front door. I found myself feeling bad for the building. How could anyone allow it to fall into such a state of disrepair?
Mom began regaling us with stories of her first visit to the Ryan Inn. Apparently she and my father stayed there when they were shopping for our current home. She smiled sadly as we made our way inside. We strolled through the area which had once housed a very modest eatery and up to the section that had once served as the front desk. It didn’t look like anyone had been inside in years. I was surprised to find that the electricity actually worked.
I turned on every light in the house and began examining the ground floor. First up, a small dining area with seating for about twenty five. A compact kitchen with the bare necessities. The check-in area and two guest rooms with baths completed the first floor. The second and third floors had six rooms each with two communal baths on each floor. The original plan had been to provide affordable vacation space for those in need. In this area in the high-season such places were scarce.
My mind drew a blank as I attempted to come up with some kind of reasonable estimate. The amount of work required was staggering. There was sanding that needed to be done, holes in need of spackle, and walls that needed a coat of primer-sealer before a top coat of paint could be applied. My mind was in a whirl as I attempted to do the calculations. A best guess had me thinking in the three thousand dollar range. And, that was for the inside alone. The exterior of the building was also in need of some serious paint. In fact, the exterior was in more immediate need of attention than the interior. I began doing more calculations in my notebook. Paint would just be the beginning of what this building needed.
Some of the ceilings on the third floor were in need of serious repair. I wasn’t sure whether they were even repairable. I hoped that the new owners knew what the hell they were doing. Hell, I wasn’t a building contractor. Just a kid who knew how to paint a room efficiently. Still, being in charge of this renovation sent my blood surging. That would be another question for Mr. Hospin. Who would I have to answer to with regard to the overall work? Were the owners themselves in charge, or had they hired a general contractor to run things for them?
I had absolutely no idea how much to charge for exterior painting. I didn’t have the ladders and other equipment that would be required to do such a job. I wanted to do it all. Well, all of the painting at least. I had no idea just how much it would cost to refurbish the building, but if I had to guess it would probably be somewhere around a hundred thousand dollars worth of work. That is, if the money was spent frugally. The hours I’d spent watching "This Old House" might just pay off I thought and laughed to myself.
Mom and Aunt Melissa remained quiet as I surveyed the rest of the building. The job did seem a bit overwhelming. I began to wonder if Sam would be interested in helping out. There was only one way to find out.
"Sam, would you like a job?" He looked at me like I’d lost my tenuous grip on reality. "Sam, I can do this job, but I’m going to need some help. Are you up for earning some real money?" I asked again. He didn’t know how to respond. My last statement was enough of a challenge that I could tell he was weakening.
"Joan, there’s only two weeks left before school starts," he began. "There’s an awful lot of work here to be done."
"I agree. That’s why we need to get started now." He smiled at me and hugged me tight. He told me that if I was sure I wanted to tackle such a project that he’d help in any way he could. He also told me that he wanted to be paid. I laughed at his mention of money. I’d worry about how to divvy up the profits if and when there were any. Still, I did promise him eight dollars an hour for his time. This was to be my folly. If anyone got hurt here (financially) it was going to be me.
On further examination of the property we discovered a small cellar. It contained the central heating unit, water heaters, and enough ladders and other equipment to provide what would be needed to do the job. If only I knew how to figure out an estimate for the exterior of the building. I really did want to do it all.. Maybe Mr. Hospin would give me a day to actually work on the building before providing him with a price. I laughed aloud at my own thoughts. Still, he knew that I wouldn’t overcharge for the work and maybe we could figure it out somehow.
"Mom, Aunt Mel, do you guys have any ideas about colors for this place?" I asked generously.
"It’s your job Joan, just be sure not to choose anything too bold. I’d stick with some nice pastels and vary the colors enough to give each room an individual atmosphere of its own." I liked Mom’s decorating ideas. I’d actually been thinking along the same lines myself. This wasn’t just going to be a job. This was going to be fun. In on the ground floor, so to speak. Still, I had no idea where to begin.
We locked the front door, got back in the car, and took the longest four block drive in history. I thought I’d do a web search and try to figure out just how much to charge for the exterior painting. There were plenty of sites available, but none that would help me specifically. Finally, I decided that my best bet would be to go back and talk to Mr. Hospin directly. He wouldn’t steer me wrong. I left the others at the kitchen table and pedaled my way to the store.
"Joan! You’re back already," he said with a smile on his face. "So, what did you think of the place? Is it a job you’d be interested in?" My smile matched his own except mine was tainted with a touch of perplexity.
"Mr. Hospin, it looks like a challenge I’d be more than happy to attempt. To be honest though, I haven’t a clue with regards to an estimate. This is no simple ‘room painting’ job." He laughed loud and long at my characterization of the building.
"Yes, it’s a building in need of a lot of tender loving care, but do you see the possibilities? Do you get the feeling that taking this on would be more than just a mere paint job? Does the prospect of taking it on light a fire within you?" He’d never spoken to me this way before. I found myself wanting to say "yes" to each and every one of his pronouncements. My skepticism and what little wisdom I’d acquired along the way allowed me to keep my feet on the floor, my mouth closed, and the cards I was playing from being revealed.
He seemed to know exactly what I was doing. Despite my best efforts he knew that I wanted the job. "Joan, I can tell you want this job. I also know that you’d be heartbroken if someone else walked away with the contract."
"But, Mr. Hospin," I countered, "the exterior of the building is in more desperate need of paint than the interior! How can I possibly come up with an estimate? I’m simply out of my depth."
"Joan, I have a very personal relationship with the new owners. They’ve actually seen some of your work and requested you specifically. They’re aware of your age and inexperience. When they came in asking about you, I told them it was probably beyond your capabilities. Not that I don’t have faith in you, I do! It’s just that this is the kind of job that generally goes to a professional contractor with a serious crew and lots of equipment. They went on to inform me that they’d obtained several estimates from such contractors and that they simply couldn’t afford them. So you see, they need you as much as you need them."
I stood there still wanting the job. I wasn’t the least upset by Mr. H’s revelation to me. Was I biting off more than I could chew? I began shaking my head from side to side and he read it wrong. "You don’t want the job?" he asked incredulously.
I realized that he’d misread my facial expressions. "Mr. Hospin, there’s no assignment that I’d rather have. I know this sounds crazy, but do you think they’d hire me on faith? I simply can’t provide you with even a guesstimate as to the overall cost.." My eyes revealed hopelessness and bewilderment. He studied my face carefully and thought for a few minutes before continuing.
"Do you have any ideas about the exterior color that you’d choose?" he asked when he finally deigned to speak. My heart leapt with joy as I realized that somehow, this was going to work. His head nodded appreciatively as I made my suggestions. He seemed impressed that I was taking the overall look of the neighborhood into consideration with regards to my proposed color scheme. He went on to tell me that the job was indeed mine if I wanted it. He also told me not to worry about the cost. We’d work that out later.
I wasn’t sure what he meant by that, but I was so anxious to get that contract that I’d have considered doing it for free. I wasn’t sure why it had become so important to me. My best guess would have been the pride that I’d feel each time I walked past that building knowing that I’d played a major part in its renovation. Mr. Hospin told me to keep the key, to come back with my mother’s car and he’d give me enough paint to keep me busy for awhile. We said our goodbyes and I flew home.
"Mom! I got the job!" I screamed as I ran in the front door. Shandy began barking and running in circles as I sidestepped her and made my way into the kitchen. Sure, I liked painting rooms, but this was something else entirely. The three of them were still seated at the kitchen table.
"Well Sam, are you ready to go to work?" I asked him laughingly. I figured that getting him involved with something like this would take his mind off of baseball. There was a lot he could do without putting the twins at risk. All of the high ladder work would be mine.
"For eight dollars an hour, I’m ready," he said and laughed.
"Done!" I replied and hugged him fiercely. I’m not really sure why I said what I did next, but I was glad that I did. "So, Aunt Melissa, does this mean you’re going to be staying with us for awhile?" Other than asking her if she’d be staying, I wasn’t really sure what I meant. Weird!
"Are you offering me a job then, Joan?" she asked and began laughing herself. I’d never considered doing that, but it made perfect sense. The more the merrier!
"Eight dollars an hour good enough for you?" I asked her and it was my turn to laugh.
"Errr, no," she replied, "but we’ll talk about that later."
This was really going to happen! I was so excited I was about to burst. Mom sat at the table quietly sipping her coffee. Her eyes danced about as we began discussing the upcoming project.
"Mom, we need to get down to Hospin’s to pick up enough paint to get started."
"Shouldn’t you be asking your employee to help you?" she said and laughed. I turned to Aunt Melissa and looked at her expectantly.
"Come on kiddo, let’s go pick up some paint," she said and rose from the table. Mom and Sam remained sitting at the table as we made our exit. I wanted to ask Sam to come, but I figured it would be best if he stayed behind and kept Mom company.
"You know, I’m a bit of a painter myself," she said as we began making the trip.
"Maybe it’s in the blood then," I said without seeking further explanation.
She laughed aloud before continuing. "Well Joan, all the painting I’ve done up to this point in my life has been on canvas. Still, I haven’t done that in years either. Maybe it’s time I purchased some supplies and started in again."
We arrived back at Hospin’s and I introduced Aunt Melissa to Mr. Hospin. They seemed to know each other already, but I put that off as being due to an over active imagination. We loaded ten gallons of "sky blue" into the trunk of Mom’s car. I selected some fine bristle brushes and some scraping tools as well. Before long we were back on our way to the Ryan Inn. I didn’t have to ask Aunt Mel for help as we began unloading the car.
Suddenly the building seemed full of potential. I saw beyond the cracked paint and washed out walls. In my mind’s eye I saw the building as it once had been and how it would be again. I felt like a kid on Christmas morning and began running through the house shouting inanities at the top of my lungs. Aunt Melissa finally reigned me in and told me it was time to go home. Someone had to make dinner and she could just tell that I wasn’t up to the task.
I locked the place up and we made our way back to the Johnson residence. Aunt Melissa started right in on dinner preparations. It seemed to be a new beginning for all of us. Sam had gone home to take a nap. I didn’t begrudge him his need for sleep. I gave my apologies to Aunt Mel and told her I’d be back for dinner. She laughed at that and asked me if she was still on the clock.
Though there were signs of improvement at the Peters’ home, things still weren’t up to par. Sam had taken to putting his dirty clothes in the hamper, so that was something at least. I gathered up a load of laundry put it in the machine, then made my way back up to our bedroom. I watched him sleeping peacefully for a few moments and then crawled in bed beside him. It was my turn to hug him protectively and possessively. I did and soon fell asleep with my arm wrapped around his shoulder.
That evening, after dinner I began laying out the ground rules for the remainder of the week. Sam seemed a bit irked that I wasn’t going to allow him near any ladders. I attempted to avoid the issue entirely, but he kept bringing it up till all I could do was put my foot down firmly and tell him, no!
We made love for a long time before finally drifting off to sleep. I smiled in amazement as I realized that a good deal of my happiness had to do with tomorrow’s project. Sleep was blissful. Tuesday morning arrived and I was out of bed with the sunrise. Sam, as usual, was dead to the world. I kissed him gently on the forehead and made myself ready for the day. A bit of silent cleaning up around the first floor and I was off to see if Aunt Melissa was up yet and ready to go.
She greeted me at the front door with a smile and a hug. I was then ushered into the kitchen where breakfast was in progress. "With all of the work ahead of you today, you’d better eat a hearty breakfast, Missy," she said and smiled. I appreciated the food and the smile, but I would have appreciated it more if she’d said "us" instead of "you." It was closing in on eight o’clock and I knew that too much of the day would be wasted if I waited for Sam. I sat at our kitchen table and wrote him a note telling him that Aunt Melissa and I were headed off to the Inn and he could find us there when he was ready for work.
By eight thirty we had the extension ladders out in front of the building, and we were ready to go. I asked Auntie M how she wanted to proceed and she simply smiled at me and told me I was the boss. I decided it would be best if we tackled the job one side at a time. We started at opposite ends of the building. I felt somewhat nervous standing on top of the ladder, thirty plus feet above the ground. Aunt Melissa scaled it as if she’d been doing it all her life. I followed her lead and forgot about the distance to the ground.
The painting went faster than I expected. The oil based paint that Mr. Hospin recommended gave much better coverage than the latex paints I was used to. While Auntie M had no fear of being up on a ladder, she was a bit on the slow side with regard to painting. I put any thoughts of recriminations aside and concentrated on the task in front of me.
Noon time rolled around and Sam showed up with an apology and lunch in hand. Cleanup was a lot more difficult as I prepared to eat my sandwich. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t remove the smell of turpentine from my skin. I finally gave up and ate my sandwich. After lunch the three of us started back in. I relented and let Sam use a small step ladder so that he could paint at least one of the three floors. It only took a few minutes before he decided that he was going to start on another side of the building. He didn’t like being spattered with bits of paint from above.
The work day ended and the clean up process began all over again. I decided to stop at the drug store on the way home and pick up some disposable surgical gloves. Clean up with the oil based paint was simply a bitch. I knew neither Aunt Melissa nor myself was in any shape to prepare dinner. I figured we’d simply order a pizza when we arrived home.
It was seven o’clock when we walked through the front door. Mom and Aunt Alice had the dining room table all set and dinner waiting. The three of us were given a heroes’ welcome. I gave them both hugs and thanked them for taking the time to put this all together. Mom laughed and told me not to thank her too soon. There was tons of cleanup to do and I was scheduled to do it at dinner’s end.
We spent the mealtime talking about the old Inn and how lucky the new owners were to have it. Aunt Mel and I managed to get quite a bit of painting done and I reasoned that by end of business tomorrow, the front of the building would be finished. It had already taken on a new sparkle and sheen in my mind’s eye. My arms were feeling heavy. It got to the point where I was having a hard time lifting my fork up to my mouth. I laughed aloud at the absurdity of it all.
Sam and Aunt Melissa looked worse than I did. I insisted they remain seated as I began the cleanup procedure. Everything put away and I was ready to collapse from total exhaustion. Sam seemed happy to sit there for awhile. The ladies had adjourned to the backyard to smoke and drink some tea. I didn’t even have to ask them not to smoke inside in Sam’s presence. I began to wonder whether Mom had smoked when she was pregnant with me. It didn’t matter at this point, and put such thoughts away.
I told Aunt Mel that I’d be back at seven thirty tomorrow morning and bade them all goodnight. I left Sam playing with Shandy in the backyard. I made my way back to Chez Peters and got ready for bed. With Josam clutched tightly in my arms I fell asleep.
The morning was quick in coming. It seemed I no longer needed an alarm clock to assist me in waking up. I got dressed and walked over to greet Shandy and Aunt Melissa. She asked me if I was up for another day of fun and games. I smiled at her and told her that I couldn’t wait to get started. As we’d done yesterday, we made the short walk to the Inn. By eight thirty we were well under way. The work began to go more smoothly. We soon fell into a comfortable routine. As he’d done yesterday Sam arrived with lunch right around noon.
By day’s end the front of the building was finished. Sam despite only working limited hours had done half of the building’s first floor. I reasoned that if we worked through the weekend that we’d be able to finish the main painting by late Sunday. We locked everything inside and made the short walk home. The surgical gloves made cleanup a lot easier. I felt better about the job with each passing day.
We were treated to dinner by Aunt Alice that evening. No, she didn’t cook, but she had a ton of chinese food to choose from when we all sat down to dinner. I smiled happily as I realized that the Johnson house was the meeting place of choice. With dinner completed and the cleanup done, I decided it was time to give Darla a call. Yes, I was tired in the evenings and odds were that I would be for the foreseeable future. Still, I wasn’t going to let the band slip through my fingers.
We made plans, reluctantly on my part, to have a practice session on late Saturday afternoon. Darla wanted to have it earlier, but I was determined to make as much of the summer vacation as I could. I figured that Aunt Mel and I could work till early afternoon and Sam could have the day off to do whatever he wanted.
The rest of the work week simply slipped away. Saturday came and we made an early start. Aunt Melissa and I wrapped up painting for the day right around one o’clock. I was kind of tired, but I was anxious to strap a guitar onto my shoulder and get down to a serious practice session.
I was distressed to hear from Aunt Alice that Sam had gone to watch the Waves play that afternoon. I wasn’t so sure that it was a good idea. Still, to simply remove himself with no further contact with his friends would have been too cruel. I only hoped he didn’t start in again on his desire to play. I decided not to worry about Sam for the rest of the afternoon, went to clean myself up, gathered up my Martin in my soft shell case, slung it over my shoulder and made my way to Darla’s.
It was a lot easier for me to practice at Darla’s then it was to make the trek to Fred’s. I could tell that Aunt Vivian was happier with this arrangement as well. I walked down into the basement and it seemed the two of them had been busy. I recognized a lot of Fred’s equipment all set up in performance fashion. I got myself set up when Darla put a song on the stereo.
I quickly recognized O.A.R.’s "Love and Memories." It was a pretty song and totally suited for Fred’s voice. The three of us harmonized perfectly together. It felt good to work on something from the twenty-first century. It didn’t take us too long to nail it down. After two hours of serious practice on the tune, we went over the Fleetwood Mac stuff and rehearsed our 1-4-5 progression songs for the rest of the afternoon. By the time we were done, we had over an hour’s worth of material ready.
"So, are you ready for that battle of the bands contest, Joan?" Fred asked me. I thought back to performing at Melissa’s wedding. I was indeed ready for the rush of performing live in front of an audience again. "It’s two weeks from tonight, by the way." I smiled at him confidently in answer. I didn’t need two weeks. I was ready to go right now and told him so. He laughed at my reply and told me he appreciated my attitude.
We took a break and I sat there feeling a bit awkward as Fred sat across from me with his arm wrapped around Darla’s shoulder and continued to talk nonchalantly about our upcoming performance. Finally, we called it a day and made plans to practice again in the middle of the week. I left them in close embrace and made my way home. ‘Home,’ I thought…finally!
Joan continues to work on the Inn. Sam comes home with some exciting news of his own...
Chapter 9
Drive
I pedaled home slowly and hoped that I wouldn’t find a sad Sam when I arrived… Then I began worrying that he might have been convinced to rejoin the team. It was closing in on seven as I walked in the front door. I began thinking that I should have called first. Of course, the house was empty and I was out the door quickly as terrible thoughts began to assault my consciousness. Would I ever be back on an even keel again?
Shandy greeted me at the front door with her tail wagging and her tongue hanging out. Somehow, I took that as a good sign. I bent down to pet her for a minute before heading back to the kitchen. I stopped dead in my tracks as I heard Mom and Aunt Melissa apparently involved in an argument about something.
"You should tell her!" I heard Aunt Melissa scream.
"Now is not the time," my mother replied.
I had no idea what they were going on about, but I was too tired to care. I made my presence known and began a noisy stroll into the kitchen. The room erupted in silence. "Do either of you know where Sam is?" I asked. They stopped what they were doing and stared at me intently.
"Sam went out with his friends after the game," Mom informed me. I wasn’t sure how to take that. I was glad for him personally, but worried about the babies. In any event, I was too tired to care. It had been a very long day. I left them to their conversation and made my way up to the bathroom. I luxuriated in the warm mist of the shower for the better part of an hour. I finally turned it off when there wasn’t a trace of hot water left. Mission accomplished, I headed back to the kitchen in search of something to eat. Mom ordered me to sit down and began re-heating leftovers for me. I didn’t really care what I ate, as long as it was food.
"So, Joan, are we going to finish the rough painting tomorrow?" Aunt Mel asked.
"That’s the plan," I replied as I shoveled another spoonful of potatoes into my mouth. "I’m thinking we can begin working on the trim first thing Monday morning." She just smiled at me and shook her head. We’d really made incredible progress on the building in less than a week’s time.
I finished my food and got up to begin cleaning and putting things away. Mom pushed me back down by the shoulder. I simply smiled up at her and let her take care of me. "Are you ready to give me another guitar lesson? I’ve been practicing, you know." Aunt Mel smiled over at me. I was beyond exhausted but replied that I couldn’t think of anything I’d rather do.
It was ten o’clock when I began nodding off while Aunt Melissa began perfecting some of the basic chords. "I’m really sorry, but I need to get some sleep," I said while stifling a yawn. She smiled at me and told me she understood. We made arrangements to get together around one o’clock tomorrow afternoon. I was sure we’d have it finished by dinner time.
I thanked Mom for everything, scratched Shandy’s belly for a few minutes, and made my way home. I smiled to myself as I realized, yet again, that I was thinking of Aunt Alice’s as home. I walked in the front door and the house was eerily quiet. Not Again! I almost screamed as I ran upstairs to check the bedroom. I heaved a sigh of relief as I spied Sam snuggled under the sheets with the two stuffed animals. I removed my clothing quietly and climbed in beside him. I fell asleep with my face pressed up against his back.
I woke up Sunday morning feeling good. Not great, but good. I put on a simple outfit and took a walk to the bakery. For just this once I went overboard. Two cheesecakes and a half dozen donuts. I knew that if Aunt Alice wanted any she’d better get to it before Sam knew it was there. The Inn was close by and I found myself drawn to it. I wanted to see what it looked like this early in the morning. It was beautiful. I’d chosen the right color scheme for sure.
I walked home with a smile on my face. I debated for a moment whether or not to see if Aunt Melissa was up, but decided to go and check on Sam first. I had no idea what time he’d gone to bed. I found it curious that he’d gone to sleep without knowing where I was. Maybe he just didn’t care? I wasn’t sure what drove my insecurities. They didn’t attack me often and I was grateful for that. I ran upstairs and found him just as I’d left him. He hadn’t moved all night long. Only the warmth from his body let me know that he was alive.
I went back downstairs and put half of the goodies away. It was time to take a trip across the street. Aunt Melissa was sitting at the kitchen table when I walked into the room. It seemed to me that she was always sitting at the table. Her eyes had a sad look to them and her vision was focused out the window on what lay beyond these four walls.
"It is a beautiful day out there, isn’t it?" I said in a soft voice. She almost jumped out of her skin. Her mind was clearly elsewhere. Rather than ask her if she was ok, she obviously wasn’t, I asked her if she’d like to join me at the picnic table for a slice of cheesecake. She smiled up at me wanly and poured herself another cup of coffee. I poured one for myself, grabbed some plates and utensils and followed her into the backyard. Shandy was already busily patrolling the perimeter.
"I guess Dan and Melissa are coming back today?" I asked in an attempt to get her mind off of her troubles. She resumed staring off into space without issuing a sound. I opened the box, cut her a slice and placed it in front of her. "You want to talk about it?" I tried again.
She looked at me and smiled. "I’ll be alright Joan," she said and began quietly eating. I didn’t know what else to do; I followed her lead. We sat there silently enjoying the food and the weather. I wanted to ask her if she planned on staying, but I decided to give her some space. Sooner or later she’d be ready to talk about it. We finished up, sat there drinking and smoking and then headed back inside. We were both anxious to get the painting done.
By eleven thirty we were busily at work and I could tell by our progress that we’d be finished in a few hours time. The only thing missing was Sam. He didn’t show up with lunch around noon time. I hadn’t really expected him to, but was a bit sad when he didn’t show up at all.
Aunt Melissa and I continued working and we finished up right around three o’clock. "What next master?" she asked me and started to laugh. I considered beginning to remove the boards on the windows, but then realized that they’d probably been put up for a reason. We could take them down tomorrow at the start of our business day.
"So, this is the last week of summer vacation starting up and you’re going to spend it painting?" she said to me and smiled. I honestly hadn’t thought about things in that way, but I knew there was nothing I’d rather be doing. I smiled at her in return and told her as much. We stopped off at the corner store. Aunt Melissa bought enough cold cuts and such to feed a small army. I probably should have insisted on paying for it all, but I didn’t.
The last week of summer. Was this really how I wanted to spend it? And, what of school a week from Tuesday. I couldn’t go back to school pretending to be John. John was pretty much nothing more than a pleasant memory for me now. It was my turn to be lost in thought as Aunt Melissa and I made our way home.
Sam, Aunt Alice, and my mother were all sitting at the kitchen table. It almost seemed as if they were awaiting our arrival. As per usual these days, I found myself worrying yet again. Their conversation seemed light and cheery and in the end, I decided to ignore it.
"Who’s ready for a picnic?" Aunt Melissa asked the group as she began laying her purchases on the kitchen table. Sam didn’t disappoint as he nearly jumped out of his chair eager to assist. He no longer had any problems consuming food. I knew it was early on, but I was still somewhat surprised that he wasn’t showing ---at all.
"Joan, the team really needs me, and Dr. Feingold said I was good to go if it was alright with you," he said pleadingly. I guess I just couldn’t understand why this was so important to him. I wasn’t going to be a shrewish wife. We were kids. We were in this together. I only wanted what was best for my babies.
"But Sam, you’ve already missed a few weeks. Do you think you could just jump back in and make a go of it?" I asked hoping that the answer would be "no." He finally admitted that he wasn’t sure, but Dr. Feingold examined him after the game and gave him a clean bill of health. It seemed, the final decision rested with me. I looked at the two potential grandmothers sitting round the table and was amazed when neither of them rose to my defense. Maybe it would be better for everyone if Sam didn’t carry to term? I didn’t believe that in my heart, but felt there was nothing else that I could do. There was only one game left. In a week’s time, the season would be over. Could we tempt fate that way?.
Sam sat there and didn’t say a word. He didn’t have to: his eyes said it all. I so wanted to beg him not to play. I knew in my heart that I just couldn’t. I reluctantly gave him my answer, telling him that as long as it was ok with the doctor, then who was I to offer a differing opinion?
"Sam, you can play --- but this is it. I don’t want to hear anything out of you about football or basketball or WHATEVER! After this game next weekend your primary goal in life will be looking after your health. Do we have an agreement?" I wasn’t my usual tentative self. I meant every word that I said. If he couldn’t live with it then all bets were off. He looked up at me with the saddest look in his eyes and said nothing.
I’m not sure why I did what I did next. I grabbed my purse and ran up to the bathroom. I took my pills while staring at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. Yes, I’d taken them consistently, daily, but I’d never fallen into a routine with them. It was, and I imagined it always would be a conscious thought that sent them sliding down my esophagus I eyed myself warily. I bent my head down and stuck my head under the faucet to suck the water directly from the tap.
Back in the kitchen, Sam was busily telling everyone of his need to begin seriously practicing again. The only face that held a sympathetic eye belonged to Aunt Melissa. I finished helping Aunt Mel making the sandwiches for dinner and we sat around the table eating in near silence. I was starving, but the premonition of bad things to come quelled my appetite. It took me awhile before I could cage my feelings and participate without a seeming care.
Dinner finished, everything cleaned and put away, we decided as a group to take a walk on the boards. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d tread the boardwalk with my mother in tow. They seemed absolutely jubilant as I locked the front door and walked over to join them. We took the two block detour and stood in front of the Ryan Inn.
"Oh Joan, it’s beautiful!" my mother exclaimed. I felt a surge of pride and was grateful that mom appreciated all that we had accomplished. Still, part of me couldn’t figure out why she was taking such an interest in one of my painting jobs.
"I couldn’t have done it without Aunt Melissa’s and Sam’s help," I told her. I smiled to myself as I realized that I surely could have, but it would have taken a lot longer. Mom and Auntie M whispered back and forth for a few minutes as we continued walking.
This being the next to last summer’s Sunday of the season, the boardwalk was packed. I thought back for a moment and realized this was Mom’s first trip down here this summer. "You guys want to go on some rides?" I asked and laughed. The three of them looked at me like I was crazy. We just walked around for a bit taking in all the sights, sounds, and scents that the boardwalk had to offer. For a few minutes Mom and Aunt Melissa became lost in smiles and stories of their own childhood. It was a joy to watch and listen to.
Aunt Alice apparently feeling like the fifth wheel became very quiet. I could sense a tinge of jealousy over the relationship between mom and her sister. We began chatting a bit. I asked her what she thought about Sam resuming his baseball career and she told me that as long as the doctor said it was ok she didn’t see anything wrong with it. Instead of me cheering her up as I’d intended, she was bringing me down. I just wanted to get away from everyone and everything.
I found myself looking forward to going to work tomorrow. Sam and I started talking about the upcoming school year. He actually asked me if I planned on returning as John or Joan. I told him I couldn’t go back as John, but I wasn’t sure how it was all going to work out. He smiled at me in apprehension of things to come. I hugged him tight and told him not to worry about it, that I certainly wasn’t going to. He accepted my statement of confidence and somehow seemed relieved to hear it. Truth be told, I was more worried than I let on, but Sam didn’t need to know that.
Mom bought us all some ice cream. We walked for awhile after that at Aunt Mel’s insistence. She said she was eating far too many high-calorie desserts and would have to make some effort at keeping the weight off. I told her that she’d get plenty of exercise in the morning. She laughed at that and we continued on our trek. It felt a bit strange being there with the parents, but I could tell overall that it was helpful for the family, so I had no complaints.
Sam went on for a bit about finishing up the baseball season with the team. He told me he was sorry that he wouldn’t be able to help us paint for the next few weeks. I did my best to keep my anger at bay and a smile on my face. I guess it wasn’t anger, really. It was worry more than anything else. Still, knowing that Sam had committed himself to doing this, I didn’t want to add to his worries.
We walked back home and the three ladies adjourned to our kitchen. Sam and I bade them goodnight. He simply said he had to rest up for practice tomorrow, and I told them I was resting up for work. The three of them smiled in unison as Sam and I walked out the door arm in arm.
"I guess nobody’s going to ground us for sleeping together anymore," I said and laughed. Sam punched me on the arm playfully and headed upstairs. He asked me to join him, but I told him I wasn’t quite ready for bed just yet. Thankfully, he didn’t take that as rejection and told me not to stay up too late. I ran upstairs after him for a minute, grabbed him in my arms and just hugged him. I told him I was running back across the street for a minute, kissed him goodnight and left.
I could hear their babbling the moment I opened the front door. Shandy practically attacked me. I felt guilty for not having paid much attention to her lately. I called her over to the couch and gently smothered her in hugs and kisses. She was such a good dog. My new room was only about two hundred feet away, yet it felt like we were living in different universes anymore. I grabbed her head in both hands and kissed her on the head. Although I was happy to see her, that wasn’t why I came back over. I went into the sewing room, grabbed my portable CD player and my Martin and went back into the living room.
I was determined to introduce a new song to the band. Lately I was getting stuck with the bass on every tune. While Fred was a better guitar player than I was and I truly loved playing bass, I wanted to do a song playing guitar. I loaded the CD into the player, put the headphones on and listened to the beautiful guitar intro. It took me a few minutes, but soon I was playing along. The harmonies on this song just blew me away.
I tried singing along a few times. It sounded a bit strange with my higher pitched voice, but it worked. "Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear." (Incubus: "Drive") An hour later I had it down cold. I knew we could do it and make it sound at least as good as the album. I thought that if we played that and "Love and Memories" we might actually have a chance of winning the battle of the bands contest. I smiled contentedly as I put everything away and made my way back across the street.
Sam was out like a light when I climbed in beside him. He surprised me though and rolled over to hug me. The next thing I knew all thoughts of sleep were gone. I simply melted in his embrace. I found myself lost in his essence. For the moment everything was perfect as I finally drifted off to sleep.
Sam never did tell me what time he was going to practice. I was up a bit earlier than planned, so I did a load of wash and gave the kitchen a once over before heading across the street. Aunt Melissa greeted me with a smile and a hug. She seemed in much better spirits this morning. I was tempted to ask her what had changed, but I didn’t want to spoil the mood.
"So, are you ready to paint some trim?" she asked me laughingly. I told her I was about to ask her the same question and that was answer enough for both of us. We stopped off at Hospin’s on the way over and picked up a few gallons of the charcoal gray we were going to use for the trim work. Mr. Hospin tried to tell me that I wanted white, not a dark gray, but I was adamant in my decision. Aunt Mel jumped in and told him that I apparently knew what I wanted and to just give it to me. Almost immediately I began to have doubts about my choice. Would the dark gray provide too much contrast? Would the owners like it? Hell, white was the safe choice. I wasn’t feeling safe that morning.
Aunt Melissa’s vote of confidence helped me stick to my guns. We arrived on scene and began setting up in robotic fashion. By ten o’clock we were well on our way. Aunt Mel was almost as good at the fine work as I was. By one o’clock we’d finished most of what we’d planned. We hadn’t considered that Sam wouldn’t be showing up with lunch today and finally, our stomachs made the decision to take a break for us.
After a quick trip to the Deli, we sat outside and ate. "Now comes the hard part," I told her. She looked at me quizzically, while I explained that we’d have to remove the boards from the windows before continuing. We removed four of them and began the very fine paint work. After I finished the first window I walked across the street and stared over. The charcoal gray had indeed been the right choice. I smiled to myself and jumped back in. By day’s end we had the entire front of the building finished. It began looking once again like it belonged in the neighborhood.
There were a lot of windows on the sides and back of the building. I figured that we’d be able to finish the outside by end of business Wednesday. By five o’clock we were all cleaned up and on our way home. I was anxious to see how Sam was doing, but Auntie M corralled me and we soon had dinner under way. For an old lady she seemed to have more energy than I did.
We hadn’t been at it long when Sam came bursting into the kitchen. I wished that I knew how to stop worrying about him all the time. He came over and hugged me, spun me round in the air, and gave me a loud resounding kiss on the lips. Although he hadn’t pitched in weeks, the coach had selected him to pitch the big game on Saturday. He was overjoyed. Under different circumstances, I’d have shared that joy. I did my best to conceal my anxiety from him. Though, Aunt Melissa clearly picked it up, Sam himself was oblivious.
The families gathered in our dining room once again and a lot of oohs and ahhs were emitted as Aunt Mel’s salmon delight was displayed and then quickly consumed. Sam jumped up and began cleaning the table as soon as it was over. I was so proud of him for pitching in unasked. That is, until I learned his motivations. It seems he was headed off to Forbes field for a bit more baseball before it started getting dark. He half-heartedly asked me to join him I could tell that his invitation wasn’t sincere. Besides, I had no desire whatsoever to join the idiots in their game.
I adjourned to the sewing room after dinner. I wanted to practice a bit more. The calluses were finally beginning to form on my fingertips. It seemed the Bass required a bit more finger strength than playing the guitar. The baby blue finish on the Fender Squire Bass reminded me of the Inn. As I continued practicing Aunt Mel asked if she could join in. She grabbed my old guitar and began going over the chords that she already knew. I did my best to provide an improvisational bass line. It wasn’t long before we sat there grinning at each other maniacally.
Finally, Mom came in and shooed us away. It seems she had some sewing she wanted to do. By that point I’d had enough and began packing up. I left Aunt Melissa and Mom in the sewing room and went upstairs to give Darla a call.
"Darla? Are we still on for practice Wednesday evening?" were the first words out of my mouth. She seemed happy to hear from me. Of course, it also seemed to me that she was spending too much time with Fred lately. As Sam and I were coming out of our shells, Darla was retreating into her own.
We talked for awhile. She told me that she was looking forward to our session on Wednesday evening. I promised her that wild horses couldn’t keep me away. I found myself asking her if she’d heard from Sarah. I wasn’t concerned personally, I just wanted to know how she was making out with my old job. It seems that they’d had a complete falling out and were no longer friends.
I found myself wondering what was going to happen at school next week. Would they still be sitting together at lunch time? Would Sam just join in with that asshole Billy again? Damn, I really didn’t want to go back to school. Too many bridges had been burned. Would I sign up for Mr. Ferris’ advanced wood shop? Part of me wanted to, but part of me was pissed off at him. Sure, he’d done me a favor, but that had never been his intention. I was so confused!
Sam came home totally satisfied by the day’s events. I was still feeling a bit anxious about his plans to pitch on Saturday, but it was so good to see him really happy again. I packed my worries away and we made love late into the night…
Work progresses smoothly on the Ryan Inn. Sam takes the mound one last time. Will he escape unscathed?
Chapter 10
Cable Car
Tuesday ran away from me. Wednesday we finished up the outside painting. I was anxious to get to work on the interior. I kept careful notes about the number of hours that Aunt Melissa put in. I attempted to pay her at the rate of ten dollars per hour. She laughed at me and told me to put my money away. Dumb struck, I didn’t know what else to do so I followed her instructions.
We brought the ladders back inside and I began studying things on the first floor. Aunt Melissa had some ideas of her own on colors for the kitchen and dining area. I couldn’t find fault with them and since it really didn’t matter to me --- well, it shouldn’t have--- I acquiesced to her desires.
Wednesday evening we dined on pizza from Fratelli’s. It seems no one was in the mood to do any cooking. Sam smiled up at us all, grabbed his glove, and made his way out the door before anyone could offer protest. I sometimes worried that we were growing apart. Then, I remembered that I had interests of my own. In fact, my practice session would be starting soon so, I gave my own farewells and began the trip to Darla’s.
They both greeted me at the front door, arm-in-arm and asked me if I was ready for a serious practice session. I smiled at them and insured them that I was and headed downstairs to the make-shift practice room. I was really glad that Fred and Darla had found each other. Sarah was, simply put --- evil. At least, I couldn’t see any good in that girl.
Before Fred could make an instrument choice I picked up his own Martin D 28 and strapped it on. "Hey Joan, be careful with that, ok?" My eyes told him that I’d never been anything else with a musical instrument. Then, my mind ran back to the incident with Billy. I laughed aloud at the thought. No, not about the fight, just the absurdity of it all.
Before Darla could take her place behind the drums and Fred could strap on the bass, I began the intro chords for "Drive." It seemed Darla was familiar with the tune and quickly joined in. Fred just stood there silently watching me while I played. At last, I finished up.
"You know Joan, that’s a tricky song vocals wise, but I think you pulled it off. Still, the harmonies on that tune will keep us busy for awhile." He laughed and informed us that it wasn’t a girl’s tune and offered to sing it himself. Before I could say a word Darla told him that it sounded perfect with me singing it. I just stood there smiling at the both of them.
Fred shook his head from side to side and I just started in again. I wasn’t surprised when he jumped in with the appropriate harmonies. "Whatever tomorrow brings I’ll be there with open arms and open eyes, yeah…" I couldn’t stop smiling as we continued to play. Was there a song that Fred wasn’t familiar with, I began to wonder. I’d never played with anyone else before, but the way we complemented each other was simply magical.
Darla, though familiar with the song herself, required a few listens before she got the drums down pat and her own harmonies sorted out as well. After two grueling hours, we finally had it nailed. I so wanted to continue, but it was getting late. We made plans for a Saturday evening practice session and I gave my goodbyes as I watched them hanging off of one another. They seemed so happy together. It scared me somehow.
Thursday morning Aunt Melissa and I found ourselves back at Mr. Hospin’s. Thankfully, we’d dropped off the rollers and such at the Inn before heading over there. Mr. Hospin shook his head from side to side a bit in disgust, but made no comment as we piled our choices up on the counter. Auntie M was in another world. Nothing could have distracted her from the joy that was burning inside. I only hoped that it was contagious.
We headed over to the Inn and in no time at all, we began painting. No damage had taken place with regards to the now exposed windows. I’d initially worried that they were covered for a reason. Now, I wasn’t sure just what that reason might have been. The painting went quickly. Although we weren’t operating on any specific timetable, I reasoned that in three weeks time we’d be finished. Aunt Melissa seemed just a bit too happy. I was half-tempted to ask her about it, but was afraid to kill her joy, so in the end I said nothing.
We stopped for lunch and ate quickly. In less than half an hour’s time we were back at it. I found myself impressed at the progress we were making. The building overall looked ready to welcome vacationers once again. Still, I knew there was a lot of work left to do.
Auntie M and I parted ways early and I made my way home having promised to start on dinner. I found myself thinking that perhaps dinner at seven thirty wasn’t so bad, well if Mom would be making it. I laughed aloud garnering curious looks from Shandy as I did so. With each passing day I found myself dreading the start of the new school year.
Sam once again burst into the kitchen, all smiles, and gave me a hug. For a moment I joined him in his happiness. It felt really good to just let go. Sam was insanely excited about the prospect of pitching again on Saturday. His enthusiasm was contagious and he soon had me joining in. Aunt Melissa was the perfect spoon to stir the pot. Soon we were all engaged in a three-way hug.
I began to worry that Sam, again, didn’t care about the twins when I walked into the living room and saw him studying his book on pre-natal care. Meatloaf ala Joan was a huge success. I had taken great joy from the accolades early on, but after awhile they became expected; i.e., the thrill was gone.
Once again my head was filled with concerns for the new school year. Would I be accepted as Joan? I’d spent my entire life with both feet on the ground. I had every reason to believe that next week would provide a disaster or two despite my desires and intentions. I smiled to myself and the words from "Drive" echoed in my head: "whatever tomorrow brings I’ll be there, with open arms and open eyes."
I cleared my mind of all extraneous thoughts and realized that whatever happened, I WAS Joan. I smiled to myself confidently. Tomorrow was Friday. School was next week. Sam’s last game was less than forty eight hours away. . And then, at the end of the school week came the battle of the bands. I was terrified.
Friday morning Aunt Melissa and I were back on the job. With the ground floor finished I found myself carefully examining the staircase to the second floor. It was in need of complete restoration. No one could have talked me out of it. I grabbed some pieces of rough sandpaper and began with the main banister. I envisioned in my mind’s eye just how beautiful it would look when I was finished. I began sanding furiously, knowing that the steps and risers would demand equal time.
I doubted that the new owners would care about my efforts with the stairway and banister Aunt Melissa eyed me as though I was insane.. None of it mattered to me. I was simply going to do the best job that I knew how. She picked up a gallon of primer and went up to the second floor to spot prime stains and such on the walls in the rooms. I continued sanding away. I saw the staircase and banister in my mind’s eye perfectly restored to its former glory. I worked like a demon until day’s end. Aunt Melissa and I shared a smile as we made our way home.
Sam had dinner ready for us upon our return. Not a peep of complaint out of him. We were working in concert toward a common goal. Sam started in again asking us if we were coming to his game tomorrow. Every time I closed my eyes I could see the ball striking him in the stomach. I honestly wasn’t sure that I’d be able to watch him again. Still, there was no place else I wanted to be. I’d have gone insane sitting at home wondering whether or not he was alright.
Friday night I felt like a prisoner. Sam had his early curfew and I wasn’t about to leave him all alone. For the first time the coach actually did call to check on him. He buffered the call by saying that he just wanted to make sure that all systems were go for tomorrow.
I hadn’t even considered calling any of my friends and asking if they wanted to come. Hell, it was the final weekend of freedom and I was positive that they all had something more pleasurable in mind than watching a baseball game. Thankfully, Sam was wrapped up with his own dreams of his performance tomorrow and hadn’t begged me to badger them.
I gave him the best massage I knew how as he sat there watching mindless tripe on television. With forced smiles, I was as supportive as I could be. In the end I succeeded in my attempt to keep my fears from him. He moaned with pleasure as he became lost in my efforts. I did my best to let them take me away as well, but my heart just wasn’t in it. I had him in bed and asleep just after ten o’clock. If he was going to do this, at least he’d be well rested. My dreams were filled with disaster as I slept fitfully through the night.
I woke up feeling more tired than I had been before I went to bed. I got dressed and headed across the street hoping that Aunt Mel was already up. I was in serious need of a distraction. I broke into a genuine smile as I heard her voice coming from the kitchen. She was cooing sweet words of love to Shandy.
"Good Morning!" I boomed as I strolled into the room. There was no need to explain my movements or actions. Aunt Melissa just saw through them all.
"Oh sweetheart! He’s going to be fine!" she said to me as my eyes filled with tears. I wanted to believe her, but I found myself getting angry. How the hell did she know he was going to be fine? I bit down on those feelings as I realized she was saying them for my benefit and not simply attempting to sweep the dangers all under the rug.
"Aunt Melissa? How could he even think about doing this?" I asked the question that had no answer. She hugged me tight and told me we’d all get through it somehow. I didn’t bother to ask if she was coming. I simply took it for granted. I sat down and prayed; not to any specific god, but, to the universe as a whole. I know it doesn’t make any sense. Still, I felt better when I was finished.
Aunt Melissa made me breakfast. I attempted to make conversation about our work, but I just couldn’t concentrate on the job. I did ask her if she was coming over to the Inn tomorrow, but she told me she would be visiting with Dan and Melissa starting this evening. She went on to assure me that she’d be back on the job come Tuesday. Tuesday. I had a half-day of school on Tuesday. Just as I was getting comfortable in my new life, everything would be changing again.
It was nine thirty when I headed back across the street to make sure that Sam was up and getting ready. I needn’t have worried. He was seated at the kitchen table with a mixing bowl filled with milk and cheerios. He looked so handsome in his baseball uniform. Despite my worries I was genuinely happy for him. He finished up and kissed me goodbye as Coach waited outside the front door in the bus with his hand tapping gently on the horn.
His last words to me: "Don’t worry Joan, Dr. Feingold is going to be there. I’ll see you at the game sweetheart. Wish me luck!" With that, he was on his way. I felt so alone. It went deeper than that, but the words simply don’t exist to explain my feelings. I left the house before Aunt Alice showed her face. Back across the street yet again, I headed up to the shower. I was going to make myself as pretty as I knew how.
I must have spent an hour doing my hair and makeup. I was going to need another trip to the Hairport. At length, I did manage to get it all under control. My yellow sundress complemented my tanned body perfectly. My wedgies added a certain air of sophistication. My dark wrap-around sunglasses hid the fear that would be obvious to anyone glancing in my direction.
"Joan! You look stunning!" Aunt Melissa greeted me as I strolled back into the kitchen. I couldn’t hide the smile that burst forth at her words. "Let me see how the grandmas are doing and let’s see if we can’t get this show on the road," she said marching out of the room.
I found myself hoping that she’d never leave. Hell, I’d have slept in a tent in the backyard if it meant she’d stay. For whatever reason Aunt Melissa was far easier to talk to than Mom. I hoped I wasn’t turning into a narcissist, but I soon found myself in the sewing room staring at my reflection in the full length mirror. Besides worrying about Sam, I was terrified at the prospect of returning to school on Tuesday. I wasn’t even really sure why.
I’d lived the last few months of my life as Joan, 24/7. There was simply no way I was going backwards. I hadn’t spoken with Aunt Vivian in a few weeks. I needed to get back to my therapy sessions. In a way, it all seemed frivolous and unimportant. What was the big deal? I was living my life the way I wanted to. I was happy and I wasn’t hurting anyone by my actions. Why would anyone care at all what I did? I finally managed to convince myself. I touched up my lipstick in the mirror. I’d chosen ‘rose’ for the day. A bit more of a statement than the mauve, but not as outlandish as the ruby red.
I shrugged a sigh of relief and went out to face the music. The music! Ah!!! I had a practice session with Fred and Darla this evening. The battle of the bands was one week from today. I had no idea what to expect with regards to that competition. I’d never been to one before.
I walked into the kitchen to the sounds of three ladies gabbing, drinking coffee, and destroying their lungs. I was tempted to join them, but I was getting pretty good at denying those urges for the most part. I wasn’t in the mood to give in to the evil weed. They all complemented me on my appearance for which I thanked them gratefully. It was time to head off to the ball park.
We got there early enough to get seats three rows behind the dugout. The crowd turnout was higher than I’d expected. I figured with this being the last week of summer vacation that everyone would be on a beach somewhere. This was the second time that the Waves would be facing the Cumberland County Crows. I suppose I’d been lax in my role of girlfriend/wife. Most of them kept up to date scrapbooks of their boyfriends’ accomplishments. I’d never even given the idea a passing thought.
I watched Sam stroll out to the mound and take his warm up tosses. He looked strong and confident. The hesitation that I’d sensed in him the last time I saw him pitch was gone. He looked ready to take on the world. He granted me a huge smile as I made my presence known to him from the stands. When he turned his head away, it was back to business. The smile disappeared, his eyebrows knit, and the only thing that he saw was the catcher’s glove in front of him.
The team stood in position as the national anthem was played. It was time for the game to begin. I found my eyes searching frantically for signs of Dr. Feingold. I only hoped that she wouldn’t be needed. The game began. Sam seemed to be on a mission. His pitches had a pop that I’d never really noticed before. His determination made me realize that he had his own demons to deal with. He made short work of the Crows in the top of the first. Three up, three down.
I almost wished we were sitting on the opposite side of the field, so I could watch him with his teammates while they were in the dugout. For a moment, I considered walking around the stadium while the Waves were at bat. The stadium was pretty full though and in the end I calmed myself down and remained seated. It seems the Crows’ pitcher had his own ideas about who was going to win this game. The bottom of the first resembled the top; three up, three down.
Sam and Billy seemed to be getting along just fine as the Waves headed back out for the top of the second. I was finished trying to understand that relationship. After the things Billy had said, I found it hard to believe that Sam would associate himself with him in any way whatsoever. But, Sam was a big boy and would simply make his own choices.
The top of the second went as quickly as the top of the first. I was glad for that at least.
Mom, Aunt Mel, and Aunt Alice seemed to be having a good time. Smiling, laughing, and sharing stories with one another. I was somewhat amazed that none of them shared my worry. Maybe I was being unreasonable? Sam led off the bottom of the second. He took the second pitch over the center field wall, just missing another free steak dinner. He trotted purposefully around the bases. He made no attempt to show up the opposing pitcher. He was just doing his job.
The game continued on in that fashion till the fifth inning. A bit of bile rose up in my throat as I recalled Sam’s last fifth inning on the pitcher’s mound. I calmed down as I watched him throw his warm ups. This wasn’t the same Sam. He was fully rested and at the top of his game as he continued mowing down the opposition. As the inning ended there was a buzz in the stadium. Sam had a shot at his second perfect game of the season.
It had been years since anyone had thrown a perfect game, and no one had ever thrown two of them. He came up in the bottom of the fifth with a man on base and hit another ball over the fence. This time over the right field wall. I was so happy for him that I wanted to burst. I got caught up in the excitement and for a time, my worries dissolved around me. The crowd was in quiet mode and began clapping as Sam made short work of each opposing batter.
The top of the seventh and last inning finally arrived as Sam strode out to the mound with a huge smile on his face. The Waves were ahead three to nothing. If Sam could just get these next three batters he’d have his perfect game and I could stop worrying about baseball till next year. I closed my eyes behind my sunglasses and prayed.
It was almost as if the Crows had given up. The first two batters went down on called strike threes. Just one more out and it would be over. The crowd was on its feet and cheering with each pitch. The first ball thrown was fouled off and landed just a short ways away from where we were sitting. A cheer went up from the crowd. Suddenly, they simply started clapping. It was in anticipation of a done deal. Sam didn’t hear any of it. The noise did seem to rattle the batter though. Friend and foe alike stood there for my Sam. Five thousand people clapping as one .
The Crows had brought fans of their own and they were standing and clapping in appreciation as well. I squeezed Aunt Mel’s hand tightly and gritted my teeth as Sam threw his next pitch. This one went careening foul down the third base line. Just one more strike and it would all be over. I almost felt like I was going to puke as I held my breath and watched Sam begin his wind up. The stadium followed suit. In anticipation of the final pitch, not a sound was made. Sam smiled at his catcher for the first time that day as he released the ball. It seemed to travel in slow motion on its way over the heart of the plate.
The batter swung long before the ball ever reached the catcher’s glove. It was over. He’d done it. A perfect game. A perfect ending to a perfect season. The crowd went wild. We were tripping over ourselves in a mad attempt to engage in a group hug. I was so relieved. I really wanted to go and wait outside the locker room for him, but having been slapped down in the past, I refused to go. Aunt Melissa was more than a bit annoyed with me. She pushed me out of the way and went to wait for him herself.
I wasn’t hopeful that she’d return at some point with Sam, and I wasn’t disappointed. As the game began winding down I was considering calling Fred and Darla and asking them if we could reschedule for tomorrow. But, I knew in my heart that his plans for the evening wouldn’t include me. With Sam’s insistence on celebrating with his friends, I was determined to not be at home waiting for him to return. Why the hell did I continue to put myself through this? OK, time to calm down and take a cleansing breath.
This was a major accomplishment for him and he deserved some time to celebrate the victory with his friends. On a rational level, I understood and appreciated that. On an emotional level I was devastated. Rightly or wrongly, I felt that I’d been slapped down one more time. The grownups seemed rooted to their seats. The game was over, the stands were nearly empty, yet they refused to move. I told them that I’d meet them at the car and walked away.
I was mad at myself to begin with and even more so as I took a cigarette out of my purse and lit it. If I could have walked home, I would have. I was in no mood to celebrate Sam’s victory in his absence. I hurriedly wrote a brief note telling them I’d see them all at home, stuck it under mom’s windshield wiper, and ran off for the bus stop. I really needed to be alone.
A few guys tried to engage me in conversation while waiting. I stared at them with steely eyes without replying. A few rude comments of bitch and lesbian were thrown my way as they finally moved off in disgust. Their verbal attacks reminded me of what I’d be walking into in just three days time. Only problem, the potential attacks facing me were of an even more vile nature. I willed myself away and went into total shut down mode as I stood there cursing the providers of public transportation for existing...
Can Joan survive the bus ride home? Will Aunt Melissa be forced to swim back to Brisbane? Joan discovers that having friends has its downside too. (sorry about the synopsis: i was feeling quite silly this morning!)
Chapter 11
The Magic Bus
The ride home was painful. After almost an hour of waiting the bus finally arrived. There were a number of fans on their way back home. I smiled to myself as I listened to the comments they made about Sam. The general consensus was he was the best they’d ever seen. I did my best to tune it all out, but I couldn’t hide my smile.
A few jerks attempted to flirt with me, jumping in the aisle seat in rotation. For awhile I thought I was a pawn in somebody’s game. I ignored them one and all and kept my eyes focused on the sights as they passed. I was beyond grateful when the bus finally pulled into the Ocean Township Bus Terminal. I stood there waiting next to the driver to make my escape. The attempts to garner my attention had grown as we neared our final destination.
At first I’d simply been annoyed. As the "game" continued I found myself feeling a bit frightened. I’d searched the bus for allies. Everyone was wrapped up in their own lives. I got off the bus and ran. It wasn’t easy to do in the wedgies, but I managed. I could hear taunting laughter fade away as I made my escape. I was beginning to think the world was comprised solely of assholes. I stopped dead in my tracks as that thought struck home and laughed insanely. I shook my head severely as I realized that my fears had been groundless.
I lit another cigarette and strode purposefully to the boardwalk. The Ryan Inn was only a few blocks away from the bus station. I guessed that that would be an added boon to their business. It seemed to me though that the bus was the lowest form of public transportation available. I hadn’t felt that way weeks ago when Sam and I made our return from our honeymoon. I guessed it all depended on one’s mood at the time.
The beach and boardwalk were more crowded than I’d ever remembered them being. People out to get their last chance at a memorable summer vacation. I couldn’t wait till next weekend when the majority of the crowds would disappear. Sure, it would still be busy on the weekends up until the middle of October, but nothing like this. The amusement pier would close after this weekend until next year rolled around. The life guards went off duty as well with the passing of Labor Day. I couldn’t wait for it to happen.
I stopped at the only Mexican food stand on the boardwalk: "Francisco’s." I bought a couple of tacos and managed to find an empty bench on the opposite side of the boardwalk. It was positioned perfectly for staring out to sea. Fran himself had waited on me. He knew me as John, but didn’t recognize me as Joan and the difference in his attentiveness was clearly evident. I almost asked him if he knew who I was, but I wasn’t feeling very sociable and in the end I said nothing.
I was reluctant to head back home. I didn’t want to see any of them. I didn’t want to ask what Sam had said to Aunt Melissa. I knew if I saw her that I’d be compelled to ask. Not out of any sense of obligation, but because I really wanted to know. I hated myself for caring. I walked around for a bit, smiling vaguely at those enjoying themselves and finally decided to bite the bullet and head on home.
As I walked, I lit my fifth cigarette of the day. For the most part, the smoke kept people away. Smoking was no longer an acceptable thing to do. Maybe I wouldn’t quit after all? I smiled and realized that I’d never smoke around my babies. I ached for them to be here. I began wondering whether my thoughts and feelings were "normal" and vowed to ask Aunt Vivian about them at the earliest opportunity.
I arrived home just after five to an empty house. I ran across the street to see if they’d gathered at the Peters’. No one was there. I went back to our house and checked the messages on the answering machine. There were no new messages. This was what I’d wanted, wasn’t it? To come home and not encounter anyone. I insanely found myself worrying about Sam’s well being.
I ran up and took a shower in hopes that it would bring me back to a sane state. It didn’t help. We weren’t scheduled to practice till seven, but I got dressed, left yet another note, and made my way over to Darla’s. I was determined to not worry about Sam. I arrived around six thirty and Darla greeted me warmly. She asked me where I’d been all day. I told her about the game and she informed me that she wished she’d known about it. I laughed cynically thinking the only games she wanted to attend were those that had already been played.
We sat at her table eating some chips and dip when Fred finally arrived. Darla morphed into another person in his presence. She became more sure of herself and I could tell that she was simply happy. I genuinely smiled at and for my friend. We went down into the basement and before I could do anything Fred corralled me and handed me the bass. He laughed and said that he had a new song he wanted to work on. Soon he was playing his adapted version of The Fray’s "Cable Car."
The song heavily featured a piano, but Fred’s translation to guitar worked perfectly. In fact, I thought it sounded better than the original. Damn, he was good. I never felt more alive than I did when making music with Fred and Darla. We went over and over the three songs we’d decided to do for the battle of the bands next Saturday. Our session ended and I was reluctant to leave. I could tell that Darla knew I was upset, but thankfully she didn’t say anything.
In the end she invited me and Sam over for a swim party tomorrow afternoon. I’d planned on getting some work done, but reasoned I could start a bit earlier and wrap it up around one. It was after ten as I made the leisurely stroll home. If history was any indicator of future performance, I’d find Sam asleep in bed upon my return.
Thankfully, he was exactly where I expected him to be. The hero of the game hadn’t gone out drinking with his friends. I whispered a short prayer of thanks and went back downstairs. We should have been enjoying this weekend together I thought angrily. Why was I suffering from all these damned mood swings? I should have been beyond happy. He’d accomplished his goal, and now he was home in bed resting. What more could I have asked for?
I felt neglected and ignored. All the worrying done was mine for him. He didn’t seem to care what I thought or was going through. If I kept this up I was going to drive myself insane. I went into the kitchen stuck my head under the faucet and turned the water on full blast. Surprisingly, it did help to clear my head. I looked a fright though when I was finished. I didn’t care. I dried my face off with a couple of paper towels and headed back out.
I must have looked like a drowned water rat as I made my way back to the boardwalk. This was it. The last weekend of summer. I was alone and my one true love was home sleeping in bed. I quickened my pace and concentrated on each passing step in an attempt to keep my mind clear. It seemed to be working.
I felt a bit out of place wearing my sundress among the throngs of people dressed mostly in jeans and shorts. There didn’t seem to be anything I could possibly do to shake myself out of the depressed state I’d fallen into. I headed off to the arcade. It was time for a bit of skeeball. At this time of night the machines were mostly empty. I laughed as I put a quarter in the slot and the nine balls rolled down in greeting.
I was even more surprised that my picture holding the check was still posted up on the far wall just beyond the machines. Not even two months had passed since I’d won the tournament. So much of my life had changed in such a short period of time. It was overwhelming. I rolled the balls carefully up the aisle, but I couldn’t do anything with them. In the end I played three games and hadn’t broken four hundred once.
I kept hoping that someone I knew (and loved) would come up and tap me on the shoulder. It didn’t happen. Seventy five cents poorer, I made my way to the exit. If anything, the boardwalk seemed busier than it had been when I was there in late afternoon. I tried to absorb a bit of the joy expressed by those all around me. It wasn’t working. I needed to be alone. I took off my shoes and made my way for ocean’s edge.
I didn’t care about getting wet and sat a little closer to the ocean than I’d intended. I shrieked aloud as my ass quickly became soaked by an angry ocean. I kept hoping that someone would come up and tap me on the shoulder. Fred? Darla? Sam? Aunt Melissa? No one was going to come to my rescue.
I moved a bit further up the beach, to that place just before the sand turned into destructive granules. I put my hands behind my head and laid down. I stared up at the sky and attempted to make out the stars. Although it was dark this close to the ocean, the light pollution from the boardwalk just a few hundred feet away prevented me from achieving my goal. I longed for autumn when the boardwalk would be darkened and the heavens would reveal their mysteries to me.
I almost fell asleep on the beach as I laid back with my eyes closed. With some difficulty I dragged my body to an upright position and made my way back home. I silently entered our home and tiptoed up the stairs. I smiled down at Sam. He was exactly as I’d left him. I still couldn’t figure out why I was feeling as bad as I was. Everything, and I do mean everything, was going according to plan. Maybe I was just worried about going back to school? I wrapped my arm around Sam and drifted off to sleep.
Sunday morning and I really needed to talk to Sam. I had to know if he wanted to go over to Darla’s later. It was still quite early as I did my bakery routine. I carefully examined the dwindling resources in my purse. Since I’d started the job at the Inn I hadn’t been paid a dime. I didn’t even know who I was working for. I’d so wanted that job that I hadn’t really considered how costly it would be to me. The hours were starting to pile up. I reasoned that twenty dollars an hour for my time was more than fair. Including the time that Sam and Aunt Melissa had put in the labor costs alone were already well over a thousand dollars.
Would the owners balk at my fee when all was said and done? I was angry with myself for not having come up with a contract. If anybody got screwed here, it would be all my fault. Maybe I could ask my father to come up with something? It might be a way to help mend the fences that had been erected between us. I smiled as I figured that most would probably want those fences torn down. I didn’t. Good fences made for good relationships, or something like that.
I stopped off at Mom’s on the way home with the bakery goods in hand. Aunt Melissa was at the kitchen table as usual. I began to wonder if she ever made use of my bedroom? I guessed that I didn’t have a bedroom here any longer. I had no place that I could really call my own. Strange thoughts for a fourteen year old to have, perhaps, but they did bother me. I just knew that I could make all of that work out--- somehow. I’d never have to rely on anyone again for financial support if push came to shove.
"Aunt Melissa! I thought you were going to spend the weekend with Dan and Melissa?" I asked her when she became aware of my presence. She smiled up at me as I placed a large piece of cheesecake before her.
"Are you trying to fatten me up for any particular reason?" she asked and laughed. I wanted to tell her that I had no such plans, but remained silent. I figured that my silence would let her know that I was waiting for an answer to my question. She sat there and attacked the confection with a vengeance. I stood there waiting for a reply. She seemed lost to the world. Finally, she spoke again.
"Oh, Dan’s coming to pick me up around noon." I could tell that she was upset and it had nothing to do with Dan and Melissa.
Not knowing what else to say and not wanting to pry, I said "Do you want to talk about it?" It being the eight hundred pound gorilla seated across from her. She smiled up at me again and read the concern in my eyes.
"It’s just that I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now," she said with a clear sense of bewilderment in her voice. Although nothing had been said, we both knew what the main topic of this conversation was.
"Have you given any thought to just staying here with us? We really need you here," I added in an attempt to let her know that she’d be doing us a favor by staying.
"I’ve thought of little else," she replied. I ran over to her and gave her a hug and told her that I hoped she’d always be there with us. In the short time that she’d been with us, she managed to keep it all together. I didn’t want to contemplate how different things might have tuned out if she hadn’t been around to offer her guidance and support.
"Aunt Melissa, I feel in a lot of ways that I owe everything to you. Don’t look so shocked. If you hadn’t been here god knows where Mom would be at this point. Sam would have had the abortion and I’d probably be locked in a room somewhere in south Jersey."
She laughed aloud at my over dramatization of events. I told her I wasn’t kidding. "I don’t want you to feel that we couldn’t get along without you," I continued, but in fact I wasn’t so sure that we could. She hugged me tighter and kissed me on the forehead.
"I thought you were going to get some painting done today?" she asked in a feeble attempt to change the subject. I figured we’d covered enough ground this morning and followed her lead. I told her that I did indeed plan on finishing the sanding on the main stairwell this morning. She smiled at me, thanked me for the cheesecake and conversation and told me I’d better get started then.
I looked briefly out the kitchen window and saw Shandy running about playfully. She’d probably miss Aunt Melissa as much or more than any of us would. I went back across the street and ran upstairs to check on Sam. Damn, that guy could sleep. I reasoned that eleven hours (at least) had been enough and went back downstairs to prepare his tray. A slice of cheesecake and a very small amount of black coffee.
I began to wonder if Aunt Alice lived there at all. She was never anywhere to be seen. For that, I would be eternally grateful. I awoke my beloved with a kiss. He figured it was play time and attempted to pull me on top of him. "Sam, I brought you something," I whispered to him and went to retrieve the tray from the dresser. He sat up expectantly and waited for me to deliver the tray to him.
"I’d rather have you for breakfast," he said and giggled. It was rare for Sam to giggle. I found it endearing. We talked for a bit and I asked him if he wanted to go to Darla’s party later.
"Didn’t I tell you? I’ve already answered in the affirmative for both of us," he said. He’d already done what? Now he was making decisions for me? He saw the anger beginning to brew in my eyes and laughed. "Relax Joan, Darla called last night after you left and invited me. She told me that you really wanted to come. So, I told her that I couldn’t think of a better way to spend the final Sunday of summer vacation."
I grabbed the fork from his hand. Perhaps now was the perfect time to force feed him some cake? He saw the evil grin forming on my face, backed up as far as he could and sternly warned me not to dare. I gave him a look that suggested that I could if I wanted to and gently delivered the cake filled fork to his mouth. He eyed me suspiciously as he accepted my offering. We both shared a laugh.
"Sweetheart, I have to go and get a bit of work done before we head over to Darla’s. I’ll see you back here around one?" I stated in the form of a question. Sam had no problems with my plan and told me so. He finished the cheesecake and rolled over to go back to sleep. He’d left his coffee untouched. I asked him about it and he told me it wasn’t any good for the twins. My heart melted.
I’d been spending so much time at the Inn lately that it began to feel like home. I could hear the laughter of the passersby while I worked. I still had no idea how much they were going to pay me for this job, but I did know one thing: I was going to miss it when it was completed.
I had the fine sanding finished just after one. Tomorrow I’d be back to coat everything with a light walnut stain. It would complement the cream color that Aunt Mel had selected for the walls perfectly. As I made my way home I had a sense of foreboding about Darla’s party. Not sure why that was. Sam was right. It was the perfect way to spend the last Sunday of summer vacation.
I put a smile on my face and made the short walk home. I figured maybe my mind could take a hint. I’m smiling --- I’m happy. I got back home and Sam was reading his book again. Watching him do that brought a genuine smile to my face. He told me I was late. I made no apologies and told him I needed a shower before we headed out. I ran upstairs and turned on the water waiting for it to warm up before I jumped in.
I wasn’t going to be caught unprepared at Darla’s this time. I put on my red bathing suit under my denim skort outfit. Sam told me that since he couldn’t go swimming that I couldn’t either. I laughed at his comment as if he’d made a joke, he didn’t join me.
"I’m getting kinda hungry, Joan. Maybe we should eat before we head over there?" he said seriously. I assured him that Darla, being the perfect hostess would have plenty of food for her guests to eat. Her guests: I hadn’t even thought about that. Who all would be coming to this party? Would Sam, Darla, and Fred be the only people I knew there? Maybe that would be for the best.
Sam and I walked leisurely over to Darla’s. The goddess of weather had cooperated making this one of the best weekends (weather wise) that I could remember.
"Are you ready for school on Tuesday?" he asked me and stared at me intently waiting for my response.
"Sam, I’m not only NOT ready for school on Tuesday, I’m not ready to talk about it." He laughed at that and let it go. I’m not sure whether or not he knew I wasn’t kidding. In minutes we were standing outside her front door and ringing the doorbell. I guess we could have just walked right in, but that didn’t seem right somehow. Aunt Vivian greeted us at the front door. I was beyond happy to see her. I was also a bit embarrassed. I hadn’t made an appointment to speak with her in more than a few weeks now.
She seemed not to notice. She smiled warmly at both of us and hugged us in turn. "The kids are all out by the pool" she said as she strolled back into the kitchen. Was I ready for this? Was it too late to turn around and go home? Why was I suddenly so afraid? Sam showed no hesitation as he pulled me along towards the backyard. I almost started pulling back on him as he tugged me forward. Had it not been for the twins, I’d have yanked myself free and made a beeline for the front door.
There were about fifty kids traipsing about in the backyard. Half in, half out of the pool. Fred had all his DJ equipment set up and was entertaining the neighborhood. There were so many people there. A few I recognized from school, but many whom I’d never seen before. Where did Darla know all these people from? Some of the guys seemed a bit older. I guessed they were friends of Fred’s
Darla’s dad was manning the grill, and Sam quickly let go of my hand and like a blood hound, ran off in the direction of the scent. I smiled warmly at his countenance as he strolled away. Fortunately, there were no alcoholic beverages in evidence. I walked tentatively about, trying to put names with faces. The Raspberrys clearly traveled in different circles. I’d been there ten minutes and I’d yet to come across our hostess. Then I spied her off in the corner. She was talking with Sarah. Sarah--- that brought back fond memories.
What really made my stomach lurch was Billy standing next to her with his arm wrapped around her possessively. I’d envisioned this before in my mind in some kind of freakish fantasy. Before I even realized what I was doing, I found myself running towards Sam. He was standing there with a half pound burger in his hand chatting about baseball with Dr. Raspberry.
Just seeing him there, chatting amiably with the Doctor calmed me down. "Joan, do you want a burger?" he asked me as I approached.
"Joan! How’s the world treating you?" Dr. Raspberry asked. I studied his face carefully before replying. I couldn’t decide whether he was taunting me or whether his off the cuff question was simply small talk The things people say when they couldn’t care one way or the other. Of course, there was also the chance that he was being sincere, but I didn’t buy that one for a moment.
"I’m fine Dr. Raspberry," I told him succinctly. . He accepted my comment as fact. In fact, I realized he didn’t really care. He was just making small talk. I took the small burger he offered me, looked deep into Sam’s eyes, and ushered him away. The good Doctor was there in body only. His mind was clearly elsewhere.
Sam and I grabbed one of the benches on the side of the pool. Now that he was finished with his conversation he began seriously attacking his hamburger. I’d yet to bite into my own when he finished and began staring at me hungrily. I smiled at him and in an attempt to appease, I stuck my own burger in front of his face. It disappeared right before my eyes.
He smiled at me and I smiled right back at him as he took the last bite from my extended finger tips. I was starving, but not hungry enough to go back and stand in line waiting for Darla’s father to hand me another hamburger.
What was I going to do now? I really didn’t want to be here. I stared longingly at the patio doors leading into the family room and my escape. Just as I was about to act on my thoughts Sam shouted out: "Hey look! There’s Billy!"
He dragged me off as if I were a rag doll in their direction. I bit my lower lip and followed his lead cooperatively. I could do this. Billy actually stood there with a huge smile on his face. I couldn’t believe it. Had he forgotten how close he’d been to death just a little over a week ago? Sarah joined in with them as if they were making the most fascinating conversation in the world. Without saying a word I extricated myself from Sam’s grip on my hand and slowly drifted away.
I headed for the sliding glass doors. This all seemed a bit too fake and phony for my tastes. I’d almost made my escape when Aunt Viv’s voice called out to me. "Joan! Come here for a minute, will you?" She was now working the grill. Apparently Dr. Raspberry had made his successful escape. I walked warily in her direction.
"Joan, could you do me a favor? My husband got called away to the hospital on some kind of emergency. I don’t know where Darla is at the moment, and Fred’s too busy or I’d ask him. Do you think you could watch the grill for awhile?" How could I possibly say no? After all she’d done for me. I simply smiled at her and nodded my assent. I knew one person at least who was in need of nourishment…
Joan makes a new friend. Jared becomes an integral part of everyone's future... The band just keeps getting better and better...
Chapter 12
We Gotta Get Out Of This Place
We chatted for a bit and she watched me while I worked. "So, Joan, what’s your mother doing today?" I was half-stunned. I had no idea what my mother was doing today. Should I simply say so? "You should have invited her over." I had no idea how to respond to that, so I simply told her that I thought my mother had gone with my Aunt to visit her daughter. I really didn’t feel like talking to mom at the moment.
She sensed my need for space and finally left me in peace to cook burgers and hot dogs. Thankfully the patties were already formed and all I had to do was peel them off the paper and toss them on the grill. It didn’t take long before I felt the grease coating my face and arms. I was left to serve for over an hour. While I appreciated the solitude from a conversational standpoint, I was beginning to get annoyed.
Half an hour later, I’d had enough. I spied the three of them off in the distance. Billy, Sam, and Sarah seemed to be having a wonderful time. There was a break in the action at the grill and I simply took off my apron and walked away. I was determined to leave and nothing or no one was going to stop me. I looked over at Sam, laughing and joking with the others and felt resentful. I hated myself for my feelings. He should be able to have a good time with his friends. As much as I wanted to believe and accept that, I couldn’t in as much as his friends appeared to be Billy and Sarah.
I debated with myself as to whether I should tell him I was leaving. Would it ruin his day? Would he be upset with me and beg me to stay? Finally, I decided that he wouldn’t miss me at all. At least, I was hoping that would be the case. I just didn’t feel comfortable being there. Fred was digging deep into his collection and spinning actual vinyl. He seemed to be having a grand old time chatting with his friends.
I decided I’d better tell somebody before heading out and figured that Fred would probably be my safest bet. Aunt Vivian would find some way to make me stay as would Sam or Darla. I made sure Fred understood I was leaving. For a moment I wasn’t sure I had his attention. And then, then he begged me to stay. He said he wanted us to play a few tunes for the guests later. I didn’t want to argue about it. I told him I wasn’t feeling well and begged him to tell Sam and Darla when he spoke with them.
Without waiting for him to respond, I turned around and made my exit. I felt better as I closed the front door behind me. A huge sigh of relief escaped me and I felt like I was able to breathe for the first time in hours. I wasn’t sure where to head. Should I walk home and see how Mom was doing? Should I make my way to the boardwalk and attempt to absorb a bit of the last gasp of summer? Or, should I simply go home and change and go back to work?
My body decided for me as I continued walking absentmindedly. I found myself in need of my key as I attempted to open our front door. Shandy seemed beyond happy to see me. I yelled out to see if anyone was home and was answered with total silence. I found myself worried about my mother as I made my way into the kitchen.
There was a note from her left on the kitchen table telling me that I shouldn’t worry about her that she’d gone with Aunt Melissa for the day. I sat there reading it with the dog’s head in my lap. I felt guilty. Mom and I hadn’t exchanged twenty words with each other in the last week or so. I found myself hoping she was alright and vowed that I’d spend some time with her tomorrow. I felt both free and alone at the same time. Alone, but not lonely. As I contemplated the distinction I smiled deep inside.
I played with Shandy for about half an hour and prepared her a special dinner. She seemed very happy to have my company. I put on a pot of coffee and sat at the table while I waited for it to provide enough liquid to fill my cup. I grabbed my coffee and my purse and made my way into the backyard. I was expecting silence. Instead I was met with the laughter and music of parties going on all around me. Instead of absorbing the feelings, the sounds actually depressed me. I had to remind myself that I was alone by choice.
I finished my coffee and smoke and decided to head for the boardwalk. It was just after six o’clock as I made my way towards the madness and mayhem. I was searching for something that couldn’t be found: freedom. I was bound in so many ways that I knew there was no means of escape available. The best I could do was to put them all out of my head and pretend they didn’t exist, if only for awhile.
I so wanted to bring my guitar with me and sing to the waves. It was far too busy and light out for me to make that choice. I reasoned that I could simply sing to the waves if need be. I held Shandy’s snout in my hands and kissed her tenderly as I said goodbye. I felt totally unencumbered as I made my way to the boardwalk. The sounds became louder as I drew nearer.
I removed the estrogen tablets from my purse. I snapped one of the tablets free of the blister pack. I’d taken to letting the little blue pill dissolve slowly under my tongue. My research indicated that such administration would provide better results and prove less harmful to my body as a whole. Just walking along with the estrogen slowly seeping into my bloodstream made me feel better.
The boardwalk seemed to be filled to capacity with last minute revelers. I smiled achingly
at the babies in strollers as their mothers pushed them past. I wondered if I could count myself among them next summer. I smiled hopefully at the thought of me and Sam pushing the twins up and down the boardwalk. Would we get one of those strollers that were arranged horizontally or vertically? I had no idea which one would be better. I reasoned that the kids would enjoy being next to one another as opposed to one being ahead of the other.
I bought myself a sausage sub. The purchase had been easy, but I had to wait a few minutes before a table cleared and I could sit down to eat it. A young man in the same predicament wandered around till finally he eyed me pleadingly as his eyes flirted back and forth between my own and the empty chair across from me. Although I wasn’t in the mood for any company, I smiled at him and he took that as an invitation and sat down. He introduced himself as Jared and began assaulting me with questions. Asking me what such a pretty girl was doing all alone on the last summer Sunday etc. I smiled at him briefly one last time but refused to participate in conversation. I continued eating my sandwich and ignored him with more confidence than I was feeling. He finally took the hint and turned his attention towards his own food.
I felt a brief stab of guilt. Despite his questions, Jared wasn’t coming on to me. I finally bit the bullet and asked him what such a handsome hunk was doing all alone. The answer was in his eyes. A deep look of sadness swam about his face as he stared at me silently. "Surely it can’t be that bad?" I asked him.
Out of nowhere he began his tale. "We’d been together for five years," he said wistfully. There was no need for further explanation. "Laura was my life," he continued. I didn’t want to hear any more. I felt like running. When will I learn to simply keep my mouth shut? He sensed my discomfort and I could see him arguing with himself as to whether or not he should continue. As much as I didn’t want to know, I just had to ask.
"What happened?" I really didn’t want to know, but I could sense he needed to tell me.
"We were supposed to get married," he said staring at my wedding band. He looked from my ring to my face over and over. I could tell he wanted to ask me about it, but he didn’t and I wasn’t in the mood to volunteer the information.
"And?" I asked urging him to continue. He looked even sadder if that was possible.
"And, I broke it off at the altar. Just two hours ago, in fact." My jaw dropped. He smiled at that. "It really wasn’t that bad, and, it was the kindest thing I could have done for both of us." I wanted to ask him where his tuxedo was. He was wearing cutoffs and a ratty tee shirt. But, he was clean and in his way, neat. His curly hair dripped casually over the tips of his ears. His smoky gray eyes alternated between sadness and hope.
I had absolutely no idea how old he was. It didn’t seem to matter. If I had to guess, I’d have said mid-twenties. "So, what’s your story?" he asked nodding at my wedding ring. Maybe it would be best to share my entire story with a total stranger. I laughed as I realized he’d beg me to shut up before I could get three sentences out.
"Me? I’m fourteen years old and a newlywed myself. My husband got pregnant," I said and began giggling insanely. "I have to go back to school on Tuesday and I’m not sure I can handle that. I find myself wishing that I was anywhere but here. That I was anyone but myself. Heard enough yet?"
I could tell that I’d completely confused him. He didn’t seem repulsed though. "Forgive me, but your story makes no sense," he said with understanding. Well, I opened the door. My response would have either shut him up or had him inquiring further. I couldn’t decide whether I was happy that he wanted to know more or depressed about it. The time flew by as I spread my life before his eager eyes. He listened intently as I spelled it all out for him. There was a certain kindness in his eyes the likes of which I’d never seen before.
Finally, I finished and looked up at him eagerly waiting for his response. I had no idea why it mattered what he thought, but it did. "Are you sure you’re only fourteen?" he asked in disbelief. I laughed aloud and asked him if I’d ever lied to him before. It was his turn to join me in laughter. I should have felt uncomfortable in his presence but for some reason I didn’t.
Before I knew it we were strolling the boards. There was no physical contact and that was by design on both of our parts. We’d clearly set those boundaries given our respective stations in life. It was almost like talking to an older brother that I never had. His insights into life were different from those of my parents’ generation. There was still enough of a kid in him that he could appreciate and understand all that I was saying.
My depression slowly lifted as we continued walking. Maybe there was hope out there somewhere. I was beyond amazed that he accepted me for who I was. It seemed almost stupid, but we bought each other some ice cream. We seemed to be helping each other in ways that were unexplainable.
"So, Jared, what kind of work do you do?"
"Good question Joan. I’ve been wondering that very same thing." His reply drew the only response it could have. I looked up at him with knitted eyebrows.
"You see, at Laura’s insistence I quit my teaching job at the end of the spring semester and went to work for her father. He’s a building contractor. Actually, I was glad to get out of teaching, it wasn’t for me. Although they did offer to renew my contract with a tidy raise thrown in. Still, it wasn’t anything I wanted to pursue. But now? Well, I guess after this afternoon I no longer have a job." He laughed aloud and said it was alright.
Suddenly, an idea occurred to me. I directed out walk towards Webster Ave. He looked at me strangely when I took his hand and pulled him off of the boardwalk. Two minutes later we were standing in front of the Ryan Inn. The facade of the building stood out proud and tall. He eyed me suspiciously as I removed the key to the front door from my purse. "And we’re here because?"
"I wanted to show you what I’ve been working on. In the past week myself and my team painted the entire exterior of the building," I said proudly. He laughed and shook his head. He found it impossible to believe that I’d be heading up such a project. I looked him up and down and made a quick decision. "If you’re looking for a job, I can offer you ten dollars an hour to start." He looked at me and laughed even harder. Apparently I’d insulted him and now he was returning the favor. The tears began building in my eyes.
He appraised me carefully. "Make it twelve dollars an hour to start and you’ve got yourself a hand," he said and extended his hand out towards my own. He wasn’t laughing any longer. He was serious. If it didn’t work out, would I be able to fire him? He read the apprehension in my eyes. "Don’t worry Joan, we’ll try it for a few days and, if you’re not happy with my work, we’ll simply part friends."
I tried to convince myself that we’d be helping each other out. He was surely used to making a lot more money than twelve dollars an hour. I only hoped he was up to the task of some serious physical exertion. He looked beyond fit. "One thing, Joan, I have no place to stay. If I’m going to take this job on, I trust you’re going to include a room plus my hourly rate."
I was getting in over my head. I had no idea if that would be acceptable. I had a strong inkling that it wouldn’t be. Still, I was anxious to prove my own authority and accepted his terms. He smiled at me and we shook on it. If he was as good as he looked, the rest of the job would be a snap. If he wasn’t, it could get dicey. I couldn’t keep falling back on the fact that I was just a fourteen year old kid. I’d been given a huge responsibility to get this job done. I looked at him solemnly and asked him if he was doing anything tomorrow.
He laughed at my question. Tomorrow was labor day. "Are you going to be paying me time and a half tomorrow?" he asked seriously. I told him no, and went on to tell him if he wanted the job that I’d expect him there at nine o’clock tomorrow morning. We spent a bit of time touring the building. I told him what I wanted done and gave him my own time estimate as to how long it should all take. He lovingly caressed the banister that I’d sanded. "You do nice work," he said to me and smiled.
I told him that I’d give him a key to the place tomorrow and he could take up residence in the one bedroom that Aunt Melissa had already finished. His smile grew wider as he accepted my mastery of the entire situation. I got his cell phone number, gave him one of my business cards, and we parted. I had to talk with Mr. Hospin, and soon about getting paid for the work that I’d already completed. Hell, I now needed five hundred dollars a week to pay someone and I hadn’t a clue whether or not he was up to the task. Still, I felt confident that it was all going to work out.
We said our good byes, and I told him I’d see him in the morning. I locked up the building and instead of going home, I made my way back to Darla’s. There was a certain bounce in my step that hadn’t been there earlier in the day. I felt a thousand times happier than I’d been when I left there earlier in the afternoon. About a block away from her home I heard it. The sound of the bass drum and a driving bass line began vibrating throughout my body. As I drew nearer, I could hear the soft sound of a guitar echoing off of the houses.
It wasn’t till I heard Fred’s voice that the sadness struck me. Was I being replaced? I was tired of running and hiding and continued making my way to the front door. I didn’t bother knocking this time. I simply walked through the house and into the backyard. I found myself thinking that any band that had Fred for its lead singer would be a good one. I was determined not to get upset. I’d walked away of my own accord. Had I really expected the party to end just because I didn’t want to be there? I grabbed a coke out of a cooler and sat down to listen. They played songs I’d never heard before and a few that we’d practiced to death.
The new guy was good. He was a dedicated bass player and was far better at it than either Fred or myself. I smiled as I realized he couldn’t sing. Not that he didn’t try, he just didn’t have the goods. A huge sigh of relief escaped me as I sat there and continued watching them play. They were good, but "we" were better. Still, I knew in my heart that being better wasn’t any guarantee of anything.
A pair of hands began gently massaging my shoulders. I jumped three feet in the air and half a can of coke spilled all over me. I turned around to see Sam laughing at me and the syrupy liquid running down the front of my top. I smiled at him in return and hugged him tight. "I’m glad you came back sweetheart, you really had me worried," he whispered.
Yeah, you were worried, I thought, but, not too worried to come after me. I didn’t want to be angry with him. "They sound pretty good, don’t you think?" he asked seriously.
"Not too shabby," I had to agree.
"Why don’t you go over there and let them know you’re here? I’m sure you’d be invited to join in." When I made no move in that direction he began shouting "Let Joan sing! Let Joan sing!" I was embarrassed down to my bones. Fred begged me over the PA to come up and join them. I quickly eyed the exit before reminding myself that I came to stay this time. I walked up onto the makeshift stage and picked up the Martin.
Before anyone could say anything I began playing the intro chords of "Drive." Darla soon joined in with the pulsating beat. Fred smiled at me and provided perfect harmonies. "Whatever tomorrow brings I’ll be there, with open arms and open eyes." I tried not to, but I couldn’t help myself. I smiled back at him.
The extra guitar really made a difference. Fred handled the lead during the break. It was perfect. Still, the idea of going forward as just the three of us really appealed to me somehow. Trios always excited me for some reason. It seems they brought something extra to the table by bringing less. The Who and Green Day sprang to mind. I laughed and considered Darla and myself doing our own version of the White Stripes.
The song soon ended and I was hooked. We played for about half an hour before Fred grew tired and demanded a break. "Joan, I’m so glad that you came back. I hope you’re feeling better?" he asked and his eyes grinned at me mischievously. I punched him in the shoulder. That had been the wrong thing to do. He picked me up and dumped me in the deep end of the pool. Everyone in attendance laughed as I struggled to rise to the surface.
I finally managed to make my way to a side ladder and climb out. Sam eyed him threateningly. I decided to take matters into my own hands. While I couldn’t manhandle Fred, I could provide enough of a driving force to send the both of us steamrollering into the water. That’s exactly what I did.
I made my exit before he could make his own. He came out of the pool with his hands raised high and begged: "Truce!" Darla ran over to him with a towel and I smiled smugly at the both of them with water dripping down everywhere. No one brought me a towel. I shook my head from side to side like a dog in from a rain storm. Darla laughed at that and ran off to grab a towel for me. We were all friends again. I had no idea what had happened to Billy and Sarah, and truth be told, I didn’t care.
The rest of the evening passed quickly. When we were finally home and getting ready for bed I realized that this would be the last night that I wouldn’t have to get up in the morning and head off to school. I really didn’t want to go. Maybe it would turn out like Darla’s party? It would suck at first, but in the end I’d be having a good time. I began wondering whether or not Jared would actually show up for work in the morning.
I still hadn’t mentioned him to Sam. There really wasn’t any reason to. Well, until Sam came by with lunch and asked me who he was. Still, there was no way he could be jealous of Jared, was there? I hoped I knew Sam better than that. I decided it wasn’t worth me worrying about.
Sam and I made warm and passionate love for the longest time before we finally drifted off to sleep. I loved having him beside me. I wasn’t sure if I could ever sleep alone again. I only knew I didn’t want to…
Joan and Jared get to know each other better. Sam cooks dinner! Joan worries about returning to school on the morrow...
Chapter 13
It’s My Life
Monday morning: Labor Day. I laughed as I realized that it would indeed be a day of labor for me. I left Sam sleeping peacefully and went to get ready. I stopped off at Mom’s just to check on her. I knew Aunt Melissa wouldn’t be there, and with the library closed, I knew there wouldn’t be any way that Mom would be up if indeed she was home.
I fed Shandy, let her out and ran upstairs to check on things while she took care of her business outside. Her bedroom door was closed. I opened it tentatively and peeked inside. Her bed hadn’t been slept in. Something else to worry about, I thought as I went back downstairs to let the dog in.
I hoped that Mom was alright? I also hoped that she had her cell phone with her. I’d wait till lunch time and try calling her at Dan and Melissa’s. I had to find a way to stop worrying about everyone and everything.
It was early, but I made my way over to the Inn. There was a beat up old station wagon parked in the lot. Someone was stretched out, asleep in the back of the vehicle. I wasn’t going to stick my two cents in. It wasn’t any of my business. Perhaps they’d come here in search of a room and too tired to move onward simply went to sleep in the car. Yeah, right, I thought and laughed aloud.
It was just after eight o’clock when I stood there trying to figure out where to begin. If I started in staining the stairway, and Jared showed up, well then he wouldn’t be able to make it up to the second or third floors. I reasoned that there was plenty enough to keep him busy on the ground floor, got out my tack cloth and carefully went over the exposed wood. I was just getting ready to apply the walnut stain when there was a knock on the front door.
A quick look at my watch told me it was nine o’clock. I looked out the front door to see a smiling Jared staring back at me. He was prompt, if nothing else. I recognized the disheveled shape as being the one asleep in the back of the car. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all?
"Did you sleep well," I asked him giving away that I knew he’d been sleeping in his car. He laughed and told me he’d slept just fine.
I had to ask him. "Why were you sleeping in the back of your car?" He looked me over as if trying to decide whether or not to tell me. He sighed aloud and started.
"I went to check into a nearby motel last night and it seems I had insufficient funds in my account. While I could have paid cash for the room, I figured I’d better go as easy on what funds I had remaining as possible. Any more questions?" he asked with a tone of annoyance in his voice.
"Just one, what do you mean you had insufficient funds in your account? Don’t you keep track of what you’ve got?" He laughed by way of a reply. He told me that "someone" must have wiped out his account yesterday. He said that he’d never have thought that she’d do such a thing. I couldn’t imagine Sam doing such a thing either, but I’d already figured out that it would be best if I kept my checking account separate. He sensed my disbelief and went on.
"Look Joan, there came a point in our relationship where I gave her the access code to my account. Now, that’s the way it is and I really don’t see how it’s any business of yours."
OK, the gloves were off. "Well, aside from the fact that you’re illegally parked in the lot and breaking another law by actually sleeping in your vehicle, I guess it’s not really my business at all. Now why don’t you hit the bathroom, wash the sleep out of your eyes and we can get started." He eyed me with new respect. I made sure that he’d have everything he’d need to paint one of the downstairs bedrooms.
Those were the only two with their own private baths. When I finished doing that, I went to the top of the staircase and began working my way down being extra careful with the oil based stain. Jared didn’t spend a lot of time getting ready and soon began working on the bedroom. I was glad that a detailed explanation wasn’t required.
We worked in silence till there was another knock on the door. It was just after noon and Sam had arrived bearing gifts. I was starving. I ran to the door and let him in. He told me he hadn’t expected that I’d be working today. I hugged him and thanked him for coming. It was time to make the introductions. "Jared, can you come out here for a minute? There’s someone I want you to meet."
He exited the rear bedroom and came out to greet us. His face was covered with a slight smattering of ceiling white. "Jared, this is my husband Sam Peters," I said as proudly and as formally as I knew how. "Sam, this is Jared errr? I’m sorry but I don’t know your last name." He laughed and introduced himself.
"Jared Kingston," he said.
The last name was familiar from somewhere. I wasn’t all that worldly, but I did know a few things about the world around me. "Any relation to Senator Jared Kingston?" I had to ask. He smiled at me and told me if I called him "Junior" he was going to belt me. Jared Kingston had been a member of the US Senate since before I was born. Sam had no idea who he was and couldn’t have cared less.
I could tell that Sam didn’t want to like him. He didn’t barrage me with questions though I guessed he was saving those up for a private conversation later. Jared had an easy way about him. I couldn’t imagine anyone not liking him. Jared recognized Sam’s name as well. "You’re the kid that pitched the Waves to their first championship in a long time, aren’t you? Not only that, you accomplished the feat by throwing a no hitter. I’m impressed."
Sam smiled at him not sure how to respond. I cringed with worry that Sam would inform him that it had actually been a ‘perfect game.’ Thankfully, he didn’t take that tack. It was easy to see that he didn’t know how to return the compliment. He thanked Jared for his well wishes and asked him how he came to be working here with me. Jared openly told him the story of his narrow escape from marriage yesterday. Sam laughed at that in understanding which earned him a punch in the arm from me. He went on to explain our meeting yesterday and told Sam that if Laura had resembled me in any way, he’d have never let her get away.
I blushed at the compliment and Sam accepted it gracefully. It was time to eat some food. I gave Sam his full sub, and I opened up my own smaller one. A moment of awkwardness ensued until Sam took half of his sandwich and handed it to Jared. He accepted it gratefully.
After lunch Jared showed us what he’d accomplished that morning. He was putting the finishing touches on the main bedroom and told me he was going to tackle the attached bath next. He laughed when he said the bath would be much harder. A fair amount of scrubbing would be required before it would be ready to accept any paint. We walked back out into the main hallway and the stain was drying a little lighter than it had looked when it was first applied. It was perfect.
Sam gave his goodbyes telling me that he expected me home by five o’clock. I laughed at his statement initially, but then I could tell that he wasn’t kidding. I told him that wouldn’t be a problem and I’d see him soon. He then asked as he kissed me goodbye if I had my cell phone handy. I began to worry just a bit. Had he seen something in Jared that I’d failed to notice? I realized that if he had, he surely wouldn’t have left me alone with him. I put those thoughts away and got back to work.
With the stain needing overnight to dry properly, my choice of work options became limited. Still, there was more than enough to get done. I filled a bucket with hot sudsy water and began washing away years of accumulated grease from the kitchen walls. I had no idea why they would, but I knew my actions would make Aunt Melissa happy. Jared spent the rest of the afternoon scrubbing out the bathroom.
At four thirty I walked in on him to see how he was coming along. From his ability to get the job done, it hadn’t been a mistake to hire him. He smiled at the look of awe on my face as I took in all that he’d accomplished. The room almost looked fit to occupy as it was. Still, with a fresh coat of paint it would be perfect.
Jared suggested renting a floor sander to get the ground floor bedrooms in perfect shape. He’d ripped part of the tattered rugs away and the oak flooring underneath while worn, was worthy of restoration. The upstairs rooms didn’t have wood flooring, so it wouldn’t be an overwhelming task. I told him I liked the idea and asked him if he had any experience in operating one. He laughed and replied that if he hadn’t, then he wouldn’t have made the suggestion.
He then asked me if I had a key for him. I’d forgotten all about it. He planned on sleeping here this evening. I couldn’t help but wonder why a Senator’s son would be in need of a room in a run down Inn in serious need of restoration. I guessed he had his reasons and decided not to pry. I eyed my surroundings carefully and reasoned that there really wasn’t anything there for him to steal. I smiled at him hesitantly as I handed him my key.
"Don’t worry Joan, I’m not going to rip you off and, I won’t allow anyone else inside the building at all. I’m guessing you won’t be here to greet me tomorrow morning?" he asked by way of conclusion. For awhile there I’d forgotten all about returning to school tomorrow. It had been a good way to spend the last day of summer vacation.
Before saying goodbye I made him promise to keep off the stairway leading up to the second floor. He smiled again and told me not to worry. I told him I’d see him at one o’clock tomorrow afternoon and to just keep track of his hours. He laughed again and told me to stop being such a worry wart. He ushered me to the door and told me he’d see me tomorrow.
"Oh, wait a minute! My Aunt has been helping out too. If you see a middle aged lady that has a strong resemblance to me show up here early tomorrow, that would be her. Please let her in. She knows what has to be done," I said though even I didn’t have a clue as to how to break up the work load at this point.
At five minutes past five I came strolling in the front door. Sam was sitting on the couch reading his book. He seemed a little worried, but didn’t let on. "So, did you get a lot of work done?" he asked. I kept waiting for him to bring up Jared and ask me why I hadn’t mentioned him last night. I was cringing inside cause I really didn’t have a good answer for any of that.
I told him that Jared was a godsend. The work would be finished much faster than I’d originally anticipated. He then asked me when I was going to start dinner. He saw the look of annoyance in my eyes and started laughing. "Dinner is cooking Joan, it should be ready in about half an hour," he smiled at me like he’d just invented a cure for cancer. I guess I was a bit taken aback. Here I was expecting him to attack me and he was being as sweet as could be.
"Our moms are making the salad over at your house," he said and smiled. I was glad Mom was ok. I’d become so busy at work that I’d forgotten all about giving her a call. "Why don’t you go check on the lasagna and get yourself cleaned up a bit." Everything seemed bizarrely normal. It scared me just a wee bit. Still, it seemed everything scared me these days. I was pretty sure a lot of it had to do with thoughts of returning to school tomorrow.
I’d never been afraid of going to school before. I’d always looked forward to the start of a new school year. And now? Well, now I just wanted to run and hide. I had to put on my brave face for Sam at least. Hell, he was returning to school almost three months pregnant. I couldn’t begin to imagine how difficult that might be.
I checked the food. The crust was beginning to crisp nicely. To make sure it didn’t burn in the next ten minutes, I turned the oven temperature way down. I had no idea that Sam knew how to make lasagna. I’d never even attempted it myself. I found myself singing as I washed my face. "Anything Sam can do I can do better," well, except pitching a baseball, or being anybody’s husband. I guess we both had our good and bad points. Besides, I wasn’t being malicious with my singing. It was all in good fun.
I finished up quickly and ran downstairs to ask Sam if he was ready to go. I removed the pyrex container from the oven and covered it with aluminum foil. With my hands firmly ensconced in oven mitts, and my arms extended, I began making my way to the front door. "I hope this is edible," I laughed as I walked past him. He looked like he was going to punch me, but then thought better of it. My hands were weighted down with a very heavy casserole dish.
"You want to get the door for me sweetheart?" I stood there waiting patiently. He was moving as if I’d awakened him from a deep sleep. "Come on Sam, this is heavy!" I offered a little louder this time. He finally got up and opened the door for me. I didn’t have to ask him to open the door at my house, he reached around me and took care of it. Everyone was seated around the dining room table when we walked in.
"So, are you all ready for school tomorrow Joan?" Aunt Alice asked. Was I ready for school? Not by a long shot. How could I ever go back there? I couldn’t tell if her question had been one of genuine caring or whether she was attempting to wind me up. Everyone it seemed, was waiting for my reply.
"As ready as I’ll ever be, I guess." I had no idea what else to say. What did she want to hear? That the prospect of going back there terrified me? That I thought it was all a waste of time anymore? I really didn’t think that. I knew overall that school could be valuable, but there was so much bullshit to wade through along the way. And yeah, the bullshit I could handle. Could they handle me?
I put the dish on the middle of the oak cutting board on the table. Suddenly I was worried whether or not Sam had gotten it right. "If this dish turns out to be poison, don’t blame me," I said and attempted a shallow laugh. With my hands now empty, Sam did punch me in the arm. I winced with pain and he simply smiled at me.
"So, how was your weekend?" I asked the room at large. Nothing. "Don’t everybody speak at once," I tried again. We seemed to be a group of disparate strangers gathered together to share an evening meal.
"It was a wonderful weekend, Joan," Mom said at last. "And yours?" Hell, I hadn’t really cared in the first place. I was just making conversation. If it had been acceptable, I’d have just run up to my room. Then I realized I didn’t have a room here anymore. I felt like the walls were closing in on me. I filled my plate with Sam’s lasagna and tempted fate.
"Sam, you can cook!" He smiled proudly at my pronouncement. My statement seemed to break the ice and soon everyone joined in. It seemed they did indeed have a wonderful weekend. Aunt Alice had gone with Mom and Aunt Melissa to visit Dan and Melissa. They stayed together in a room at the local Ramada Inn. I smiled to myself as I realized we’d had two houses to mess around in and hadn’t even realized it. Such thoughts were no longer of any consequence.
By seven o’clock everything was finished, cleaned, and put away. Sam’s prowess in the kitchen had been proven. I risked another punch in the arm and asked Sam if he’d really cooked dinner all by himself. He told me that it had been easy. I agreed with him that it probably was.. I smiled at the realization. Maybe this would all work out somehow?
"Have you given any thought as to what you’re going to wear tomorrow, sweetheart?" Mom asked me. Truth be told, I’d not been thinking of much else. I wasn’t going to push the envelope and show up wearing an evening gown. I laughed for no apparent reason and told her I hadn’t given it any consideration. Mom suggested that I wear my jeans for a start. That made perfect sense to me.
Sam offered that his jeans were all getting a little tight in the waist. That brought a round of laughter from everyone. I found myself rubbing his belly appreciatively. It seemed in a sense, we were all in the same boat.
I spent the next half hour explaining all that we’d accomplished at the Inn and about the hiring of Senator Kingston’s son. Everyone, including Sam (who already knew the story) seemed impressed. "I guess you’d better figure out how and when you’re going to get paid," Mom said and laughed. They weren’t aware that I knew, but I could tell that Aunt Melissa kicked her under the table.
I went on and told Aunt Melissa that Jared would let her in, in the morning. She seemed nonplused by my announcement. Then my thoughts returned to school tomorrow. Sure, I’d wear jeans but what was I going to wear for a top? What about my hair and makeup? In a sense, that was easy. Eighth grade girls weren’t officially "allowed" to wear makeup. Still, most did anyway. Should I simply present myself as Joan, or should I dig deep within my own archives and attempt to resuscitate John?
Just the idea of doing so sent chills down my spine. Maybe it was the meds that had me worrying about anything and everything? Including my own shadow! I laughed aloud at the insanity of it all and garnered a few concerned looks from those in attendance at the inappropriateness of my behavior.
"Joan, are you alright?" a concerned mother asked me.
"What do you think, Mom?" I asked and began wailing away. Damn, that hadn’t been my intention. To sit here crying like a baby while everyone around me tried to make me feel better. It was my job to make THEM all feel better. I brushed the tears away, shook my head violently from side to side, grabbed hold of the table with both hands and made the honest announcement that no, I wasn’t alright but I would be.
That seemed to allay the fears of the group as a whole, but I could tell just by looking at him that Sam was worried. He put his arm around me and pulled me close.
"Come on Joan," he said and pulled me to my feet.
"Where are we going, Sam? Sam, we’ve got school tomorrow." He laughed.
"Come on Joan," he said a few decibels more loudly and tugged me towards the door. I shrugged my shoulders in submission and followed his lead. I felt better as the cool evening air hit me and we put some distance between ourselves and our parents.
"You think this is easy for me?" Oh no, here we go!
"Sam, I’m sorry, I have only an inkling of how difficult this all must be for you. I really am sorry. Sometimes I just get caught up with things from my own perspective."
His voice cut me off before I had a chance to continue. "I’m not supposed to be pregnant! Even if I accepted my status as a "female," like yourself, I’m only fourteen fucking years old. This summer, for the first time in my life, I was truly happy. I made the team! I showed them all what I was capable of doing. I was no longer just some butch female pretending to be a guy. I WAS one of them." He paused for a moment and gave it a chance to sink in.
OK, so I’d become a bit too self-absorbed with my own tales of woe. "Sam, I’ve never thought of you as a girl," I said staring up into his eyes intently. "Hell, I never really thought about gender issues at all as far as we were concerned. You were always just Sam: my best friend in the world." I finished up and let my words hang in the air. He looked at me with a certain sadness in his eyes.
"And now," he began, "now we’re going back to school tomorrow. I can feel the twins inside me now, by Christmas, they’ll surely make their presence known to the world. How the hell am I going to deal with that?" It took me a moment to figure out what he meant. Then I realized he meant that by Christmas, there would be no way for him to conceal the pregnancy. "Just when my life was heading in the direction I’d always dreamed of and hoped for, this had to happen." He kept walking purposefully. He saw the look of terror in my own eyes reflected back at him.
"Sweetheart, don’t get me wrong. I do love our babies. Maybe even as much as you do yourself. This is all just so damned hard! How the hell are we ever going to get through this? Some mornings I wake up and I couldn’t be happier. Other mornings I wake up with feelings of fear and dread. Feelings that go to the very core of my being. I just lie in bed close my eyes and hope that it will all go away when I open them again."
We finally arrived on the boardwalk. This was the way I really liked it. Almost deserted. The revelers having packed up and moved on. Yes, there was a certain sadness in the air, but I found comfort in that as well. I pulled Sam close to me forcefully and hugged him for all I was worth. We stood there like a couple of lost little kids crying for our mommies.
"Sam, we’re going to get through this and we’re going to get through this together. We are a team. Perhaps the most important team you’ll ever be a member of. I will be the best mother to our children that the world has ever known." I said that last bit with such forcefulness, that I had no doubt that the words were true.
All the words exchanged just made me feel closer to him. We were indeed in this together. Our problems were exactly the same though on opposite sides of the spectrum. We stood there hugging for the longest time. Words were no longer necessary.
Finally, Sam said, "Come on Joan, it’s time to go home, we’ve got school tomorrow," and he kissed me…
Joan has a hard time coming to terms with the powers that be. With the help of family and friends she manages to get things straightened out for the time being. Sam does his best to make sure that Joan’s alright...
Chapter 14
Everything You Want
Tuesday morning; this was it. The day I’d been dreading for so long had finally arrived. Could I actually go through with this? I felt sick to my stomach. Mom, I can’t go to school today, I’m sick, I thought and laughed aloud. If only it were that easy. Surprisingly, Sam was already up and god knows where.
I made my way to the bathroom and took a quick shower. I stared intently into my own eyes through the rapidly fading mist of steam. I had to do this. There was no alternative. I pulled up my tight fitting jeans I reluctantly put on a sport shirt. I felt myself a coward. I needed to do just something to make my statement. I grabbed a pair of peds from the dresser drawer and put on my mary janes.
Makeup was not permitted, but who was going to notice some mascara? I made my hair as pretty as I knew how and stared again at my reflection. The sport shirt had to go. That was not who I was anymore. I pulled the floral tunic over my head and nodded in approval at my own reflection. I added a pair of outrageously large gold hoop earrings that I’d purchased from a boardwalk gift shop. This was me. I fussed with my hair a bit longer and headed down the stairs.
Walking into the kitchen I could smell coffee brewing and saw two bowls set up on the table with a box of cheerios next to them. "Joan! You look beautiful," Sam said as he grabbed me from behind and hugged me fiercely. I was reminded of the last time I’d dressed this way and never made it to school. That wasn’t going to happen today.
I had no note from Dr. Raspberry. I had nothing to prove that I wasn’t John anymore. Clearly I was going to have to answer to his name today. I was terrified. These kids all knew me as John Johnson, not as Joan Peters. How could I do this? Sam poured us both bowls of cereal and sat down with his glass of orange juice. I poured myself a cup of coffee and sat down next to him.
"Want to see who can eat it the fastest?" he asked and laughed. I laughed with him. I wasn’t up for any kind of contest, but just the way he said it took my mind off my troubles for a few moments. We finished up and headed to the front door. I grabbed my purse and away we went. There were no thoughts about turning back this morning. In a way I didn’t care anymore, yet the fear of the unknown gnawed at me. What would I do when I had to go to the bathroom? Was it safe to risk the boys’ room? Was it legal to use the girls’?
I guessed the answer to the former question was iffy and the answer to the second was simply "no." We arrived a few minutes early and stood outside with others waiting to gain admittance. Thankfully, Sam didn’t go running off in search of his friends. He stood beside me proudly and held my hand. I figured Sam had some concerns of his own. He’d never appeared feminine, but now with his hair so short, there’d be no mistaking his intentions with regard to choice of gender. I laughed as I realized many a successful female had close cropped hair. Still, on Sam it looked different.
I stared down at the letter in my hand telling me to report to room 107 after the first bell. The bell rang and it was time to go. I just wanted to run. Thus far no one had said anything to me. I took that as a good sign. It was the same old homeroom with a few new faces, and a few old ones missing. I sat there with a lump in my throat waiting for "John Johnson" to be called. Darla entered the room silently and took the seat right next to mine. She reached out and grabbed my hand tightly. When I gave in and looked over at her, she smiled at me warmly as if to say don’t worry you’ll get through this.
Finally Mr. Baum called out my former name. I reached back for my old voice and tried to answer him. It was gone forever. He called my name again and I muttered "here." It seemed it was the funniest thing these kids had heard in years. The room erupted in laughter. All the while Darla never let go of my hand. I’d have turned to vapor had she just let it drop.
"Mr. Johnson,?" he asked again quizzically? I just wanted to run. Darla squeezed my hand even tighter if that was possible. Maybe this had been a mistake? Maybe I just didn’t belong here anymore. My life had changed far too much to even think about turning back. Besides, I didn’t want to. I liked who I was now. I’d never felt more comfortable in my own skin. I was really grateful that Darla was here with me., I only wished that Sam was here with me as well.
The class just kept laughing and I just wanted to die. "Mr. Johnson, please report to the principal’s office," he said. I sat there unable to move. "NOW!" he finished. I grabbed my purse and made my way for the door. I could tell that Darla wanted to join me. The look on my face told her that I had to fight this battle alone. I left the room to a crescendo of laughter and cat calls.
It would be so easy to just walk out the front door and never look back. Why would I even consider subjecting myself to this? The principal’s office was adjacent to the main exit. I stood in the hallway considering my options. Could I simply drop out of school? Hell, I was only fourteen. The law required those sixteen and under to remain in school. But, I was also a married, emancipated teen. Did that give me the right to simply tell them all to go bleep themselves?
I entered the main office and was told to take a seat by one of the secretaries. There was quite a collection of strange looking kids sitting there in the outer office. I recognized one of them: Brian McFee. He looked up at me as I took the vacant seat next to his own. He smiled at me.
"So, did you enjoy your summer JOHN?" he practically screamed, letting me know immediately that he had no doubt as to my identity. I studied him carefully. There was no look of torment or teasing in his eyes. He was just letting me know that he knew who I was. I smiled back at him by way of reply. I was about to say something more when his name was called and he got up and left. Had he been an ally? Or was he just another waiting for the scoop before starting off on a bashing session of his own?
It was after nine when I was finally summoned into the principal’s office. Mr. Qwerty told me to take a seat. Everyone made fun of him for his name. I wondered just how many times he’d been asked if his father invented the keyboard? "Mr. Johnson?" he began and looked at me not quite comprehending what he was seeing.
I opened my purse and removed my marriage license. I had no proof that I was now female, but the name on the license did indicate that I WAS Joan. Peters and not, John Johnson. I handed the document to him. How could Mom have left me to handle this on my own? In some strange way, I felt betrayed. "Mr. Johnson," he said again as his eyes scanned the document.
"Sir," I said as politely as I knew how, "I’m neither a John, nor a Johnson." He eyed me carefully and told me to just be quiet.
"I’m going to need to see one of your parents," he said addressing me.
"Sir," I tried again. I handed him the document that proved I was an emancipated teen. "As you can see from the documentation that I’ve provided you, the state recognizes me as being capable of making my own decisions. Anything you have to say, you can say to me directly." He seemed disappointed by my statement. He looked over my file again and didn’t know what to make of it.
Mr. Johnson," he tried one last time before I cut him off.
"Sir, the name is Joan… Joan Peters." I was angrier than I’d ever been. "Mr. Johnson doesn’t live here anymore. You may call me Ms. Peters," I said rather haughtily. He was getting angry himself. I could tell he wasn’t sure whether to give in to my demands or to hold his ground. I was at the point where I didn’t care either way.
"Very well, Ms. Peters." He sighed. A victory had been won. It was a small and insignificant one to be sure, but it was a victory nonetheless. "Ms. Peters, I’m going to need a letter from your Doctor telling me just who and what you are." I was both relieved and angered. Who and what I was? Indeed! Apparently the dumb bastard couldn’t read. I was and am Joan Peters. Yes, I knew what he meant. And yes, I suppose he was being "kind" in his way, but I didn’t see it that way.
"Ms. Peters, I’m afraid I can’t let you back into class until you provide me with the proper documentation." He looked at me as though he’d won some kind of victory. I granted him as much and smiled at him in return. Still, I was tired of this and was glad that I could make my exit without any further ado.
"Very well, Mr. Qwerty. I shall do my best to provide you with the requested letter from my doctor as soon as possible," I said while standing. I grabbed the documents I’d given him earlier out of his hand and made my exit. He made no attempt to stop me.
It seemed I was out of school earlier than expected. What of Sam? Did I need to be here when he got out? Would he be all right on his own? I finally decided that I was being an idiot and began the walk home. Still, going home wouldn’t solve anything. I needed said documents to be allowed back in school. I’d been wanting to speak to Aunt Vivian for more than awhile, but to do so now just didn’t seem right. I almost felt like a "fair-weather-friend." You know? Oh, now that you need something you’re here to see me. Well, thanks for stopping by.
I put such thoughts out of my head and made my way to the Raspberry home. If she was angry with me, so be it. I wasn’t too happy about the way things were going myself. Before I knew it I was standing outside their front door ringing the doorbell. Half hoping that she wouldn’t be there to answer it. I couldn’t keep the tears from rolling down my cheeks.
"I’ve been expecting you," Aunt Vivian said as she opened the front door. My eyebrows knitted themselves involuntarily as I followed her into the kitchen. "I have the documentation that you need already prepared, but before I consider giving it to you, we need to talk." I stared at the envelope she held in her hand. I just wanted to grab it and run. For just a moment I considered getting up and running away. I didn’t need her letter. I didn’t need anyone’s approval. I was who I was. Accept me or not. Fine if you do, and the hell with you if you don’t. Aunt Viv got up from the table and poured us both a cup of coffee.
She’d read my thoughts perfectly. "I’m sorry you have to go through this Joan. It’s not fair in so many ways. Then again, neither is life." I wanted to be angry with her. I tried as best I could to find fault with what she was saying. "Darla told me that you never made it to the last meeting," she added. What the hell was she on about now? What meeting? Finally it hit me. The meeting for transgender teens. I’d been so gung-ho about it all. But, so much had changed in the last month I’d simply forgotten all about it.
What was the point? Did I need to listen to a bunch of whiny mixed up kids talk about the problems they were having fitting in society at large? I was far too busy for such nonsense. I hadn’t said a word, yet Aunt Vivian seemed to be reading my thoughts. "Maybe you should just leave?" she asked me. A huge sigh of relief escaped me. I reached out to grab the letter and go. It wasn’t going to be that easy.
"Joan, I’m here to help you. I can’t help you if you won’t let me. I have a professional responsibility to you and to the public at large. I can’t simply give you what you want because you want it." Maybe I should just leave? I had an Inn to refurbish. There were people depending on me. There were those yet born depending on me. I thought about all of them and realized I couldn’t just run away.
I found myself spilling my guts to Aunt Viv. I started out with how unfair everything was. I was a good kid and doing my best to keep order in so many lives. And? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah… It was well after noon before I finally shut up. Where the hell had the last two hours gone? I looked at the kitchen clock and then at Aunt Vivian. She simply smiled at me, handed me the letter and told me she’d see me on Thursday evening for my regular appointment.
I couldn’t help myself. I walked over and hugged her close. I promised her I’d be there and tucked the letter away in my purse. I made my way over to the Ryan Inn with a huge smile on my face. I wondered how Jared and Aunt Mel were getting along. Thankfully the door was open when I got there. I didn’t even have a key to the place. That would be my first order of business.
I found them both sitting on stools at the modest counter. They were eating burgers and chatting like old friends. "Well, the princess has finally arrived," Aunt Melissa said as I strolled purposefully into the room. I looked at her like she was nuts and she began laughing.
"I see you two have met," I said for lack of something brilliant to say. "Where’s my lunch?" I asked haughtily in princess mode.
"And what would your highness like?" Auntie M asked and picked up an order pad from under the counter. I laughed as expected and told her that the burgers seemed safe. She nodded at me and told me to be seated, that it would be ready in no time at all. I wound up talking about my day with Jared. I hadn’t intended to spill my guts yet again, but he was so damned easy to talk to. Just as Aunt Melissa came walking out to the counter with my burger, Sam came walking through the front door.
"You must be psychic!" he said as he took the plate from Auntie M. She went to pull it back from him. I put my arm on her own and she let go of the plate. I told her to please sit down and asked anyone if they wanted anything else before I went to make my burger. Sam of course wanted another one. Jared and Auntie M were both good.
I was becoming strangely attached to the Inn. For some reason, it felt like home. I brought both our burgers out and Sam and Jared were lost in deep conversation about baseball. It’s funny. There was a time when all that seemed like the most important thing in the world. Now it didn’t rate a footnote.
"Anyplace serving burgers as good as these will have no problem staying in business," Sam said as he bit into his second burger. We finished lunch and Jared handed keys to Aunt Melissa and myself. I asked him for the receipt and he told me not to worry about it.
"So, how did things go for you at school? I waited when we got out, but I never saw you," Sam asked. I explained to the three of them how I’d been thrown out of class for simply being me. Actually, I was more relieved that no one had attempted to start a fight with me than I was about anything. I went on to tell them all about my visit with Aunt Vivian and how I hopefully had everything all worked out. I wasn’t so sure I believed it myself, but I put on my brave face and continued. I cleared away the luncheon mess and promised Sam that I’d be home by 5:30. He asked me if I needed him to do anything. I told him the best thing he could do for me was to go home and relax. He hugged me close and thanked me.
Aunt Melissa went back to work in the kitchen and Jared continued finishing up the first floor bedroom. He asked me if I had a check for him to get the floor sander. I told him I didn’t have a business checking account. He eyed me warily. I gave him the last $100 from my purse and asked him if that would be enough. He smiled at me and told me he’d bring me my change and a receipt. I wasn’t aware at the time that a credit card would also be required. Fortunately, Jared took care of that on his own.
I lightly sanded the stairwell and cleaned it with the tack cloth. By day’s end I had the first coat of varnish applied. It looked magnificent. Jared said he’d wait a few hours before he started sanding to give the varnish a chance to dry. In the interim he helped Auntie M in the kitchen. They seemed to be getting along famously. I smiled as I realized that Jared was flirting with her! She was way too old for him, wasn’t she? Aunt Mel didn’t seem to mind the attention at all and batted her lashes at him provocatively.
"Maybe you two should get a room?" I suggested and laughed. I could tell that Jared wanted to punch me on the shoulder. Fortunately, I was far enough away to be safe.
"Joan, why don’t you go home to your husband. I’m going to stay here and cook something for Jared and myself," she whispered. I asked her if she was sure? She assured me that she was. Jared pulled me aside as I made my way to the exit. He told me not to worry about my aunt. He promised not to take advantage of the situation. I’m not sure why, but I believed him. I bade them both farewell and told them that I’d be over first thing after school tomorrow.
Adults, I thought to myself as I made my way back home. And, what of dinner? Damn, I was exhausted. Still, before I even thought of going home, I had to stop at Hospin’s. I made my walk over to the paint store. Mr. Hospin greeted me warmly as usual. I explained to him that not only hadn’t I been paid a dime, that I was now making substantial outlays to get the job completed. In short, I needed money, and I needed it now! He asked me if two thousand dollars would be enough. Normally, such an amount would have sent me reeling on my heels. As it was, I’d be owing Jared five hundred dollars come Friday. Not to mention having to pay Aunt Melissa as well.
I really needed to sit down and do some kind of cost analysis on this project. I’d been putting that off for far too long. I made my way across the street to the bank and deposited his check. I hoped Jared didn’t mind being paid by check? Hell, as his employer I was probably responsible for all kind of taxes and various governmental paperwork. This was all getting too complicated!
I walked in the front door at quarter to six. Sam told me he was beginning to get worried. Something smelled delicious! He told me that he was re-heating the left-over lasagna from last night and that I could make a salad if I wanted one.
I really didn’t want to be bothered, but I knew that Sam needed all the vitamins and minerals he could get. I asked him if he minded if I invited Mom over for dinner. He told me of course not, and urged me to give her a call. Normally, I’d have just walked across the street, but it made more sense to call her up. Mom was a bit surprised that Aunt Melissa wasn’t coming home for dinner, but promised to be over in a few minutes.
I grabbed a loaf of Italian bread out of the freezer and defrosted it in the microwave for a few seconds. It wasn’t long before I had an appetizing dinner for three at the ready. I thanked Sam yet again for taking care of dinner. That was supposed to be my job. Until the Inn was finished, I was going to need all the help I could get.
Mom was full of questions about my day at school and about how things were progressing down at the Inn. She seemed a bit surprised that Auntie M was staying behind to make dinner for Jared. She laughed and informed me that she was going to take a walk over there to meet this charismatic young man. I smiled at her and informed her that I was pretty sure that Aunt Melissa had designs on him so she should keep her distance. The whole thing was getting stranger all the time.
Sam seemed relieved to have everything taken care of. He didn’t offer to help when dinner was completed, but made his way into the living room. He’d picked up a couple of course books and began going through them. He seemed a lot more positive about everything than I was. I did nothing to dissuade him from his outlook.
"Sam, want to go for a walk with me?" I did my best not to make it sound like a plea. He quietly got up from the couch, walked over to me and took my hand. I considered taking a walk over to the Inn for just a moment and decided to let the adults deal with the situation on their own.
We walked from one end of the boardwalk and back again. It was still officially summer, but there was a certain briskness in the air. There were still a fair number of people in attendance. Those unable to deal with the loss of another perfect summer. Sam pulled me close to him, held me tight, and kissed me gently on the lips.
We made our way back home with solemn smiles firmly attached to our faces. It seemed we always held hands when we walked together now. It was just a few months ago when Sam was pushing me away. I smiled in remembrance.
Tomorrow was going to be an insanely busy day. Aunt Vivian made me promise not to open the letter that she’d provided me. Of course, her request made me even more curious as to what was inside. Still, I had no plans to go home and surreptitiously peek at said documentation. I got myself ready for bed and considered all that I had to do:
school, work, then band practice. There was no way I’d be cooking anyone’s dinner tomorrow night. I lay in bed staring at the ceiling with Josam wrapped tightly in one arm and Teddy in the other. It wasn’t too long before sleep came to claim me...
Joan is finally allowed back in class. She begins to question Jared’s character. After much deliberation the three musicians agree on a name for the band. And finally, Fred offers Sam a job…
Chapter 15
Take On Me
Wednesday morning. Well, there was one good thing about school this week. It was shorter by a day at least. I had Sam’s bowl of cereal and juice ready when he came down the stairs. He simply looked at me and smiled without saying a word.
I’d gone out of my way to make sure that there’d be no doubts in anyone’s mind today as to my gender. I wore my blue pleated skirt, pantyhose, blue espadrilles, white frilly top and my large hoop earrings in the lower holes of my lobes and my diamond studs in the upper ones. To finish it all off, I tempted fate and put on my invisible (mauve) lipstick.
Sam and I walked together hand in hand. I thought for a moment about stopping off at my house to see whether Aunt Melissa had indeed come home last night. I was slightly worried about her under the circumstances. Jared wasn’t exactly in a stable frame of mind himself. Ah well! This was life, wasn’t it?
Sam began badgering me about the battle of the bands on Saturday night. I told him as much as I knew about the whole thing. He started to ask me if it would be OK if he asked Billy to come along. I bit down on my tongue: hard! I didn’t know how to respond to that one. I’m sure Sam would defend his friend and inform me that I’d been there to see him play baseball. The point was, the only reason I’d gone at all was to watch Sam and make sure he was alright.
I thought about pleading with him and then I thought about it for a bit. I’d be busy with Fred and Darla for most of the evening. Still, I wanted Sam there with me! Not off entertaining that asshole. Sam wasn’t about to take any hints. I told him I’d rather he didn’t ask Billy and to that he asked me if I’d rather he not come at all. This wasn’t working out as planned.
"But, Joan you’re going to be onstage with your friends. What am I supposed to be doing? Standing on the sidelines twiddling my thumbs? Hell, most of the time you brought your friends with you to my games. It’s the same thing, isn’t it?" He finally quieted down and we continued walking. How could I inform him that it was in no way the same thing?
"Sam there are six bands performing in this contest. I’ll only be on stage for a very limited amount of time. I don’t know what else to say about it? Alright Sam, go ahead and ask your friend if he wants to come. But, don’t expect me to be happy about it!" That seemed to be enough of a concession for him. I only hoped it wasn’t one I’d live to regret. We arrived at school and Sam asked me if it was OK if he went over and asked Billy if he wanted to come. He actually seemed excited about the whole thing. For that at least, I was grateful. I told him to go and talk to his friends. I was off in search of Darla as the first bell rang.
I knew from yesterday that now was not the time for me to report to class, but to the principal’s office. The conglomeration of kids in there was slightly less than it was yesterday. Then again, it was still early yet. Brian McFee smiled at me as I made my entrance. He had a look about him which suggested that he hadn’t moved from his seat all night long. He attempted to engage me in conversation by asking me why I was in the principal’s office again this morning. I eyed him like he was insane and he just burst out laughing. The secretary nodded at me and told me to go right on in. Brian got all pissed off and made a point of letting her know that he’d been there first. His attitude didn’t cut any ice with the secretary. I didn’t look back at him as I made my way into Mr. Qwerty’s office.
"Ms. Johnson, I assume you have the paperwork that I requested yesterday?"
"Yes Sir, I do. The name however is Ms. or Mrs. Peters whichever you prefer." I said while staring down my nose at him. I handed him the letter which Aunt Vivian had given me and went back to take my seat. He opened it and stared a long time at the contents. After a few minutes of silence I asked him if there would be anything else. He grumbled at me and told me that in fact there was. I eyed him quizzically.
"Ms. Johnson, er? Sorry, Ms. Peters there could be a problem with the rest rooms. I’ve also noted in looking over your schedule that you have physical education for the fall term. In fact, the law requires that you have it every term, but I’m afraid we won’t be able to accommodate you this semester." I sat there dumbfounded. So, the fun and games was beginning.
"Mr. Qwerty, I’ve given some thought to the rest room problem. What makes most sense to me would be for me to use the one in the nurse’s office. I don’t want to be breaking any laws, and I don’t want to be risking my life to use the toilet." He looked at me oddly and smiled. His smile sent a chill right through to my bones. "I’m really not here to make any waves. I’m just here as a stepping stone to high school at this point in time."
"Well, Ms. Peters, I’m glad that you’ve got the proper attitude. I’ve made arrangements for you to take Home Economics with Mrs. Veerscham, instead of Physical Education this semester." He looked like he was going to choke on that third canary that he was attempting to swallow without chewing.
My response took him totally by surprise. I doubt that he knew it was total sincerity on my part. "That’s fantastic Mr. Qwerty! I can’t thank you enough!" I smiled at him. Knowing what went on in the home economics course here, I was sure I could teach the class myself, if required. It would take just one more burden off of my shoulders. Still, it wouldn’t be as easy as Phys. Ed. I left his office just as the bell was ringing for the start of second period. Classes all week this week were limited to twenty minutes each. I guess the idea was to get the kids, and the teachers for that matter, familiar with the grind.
Brian McFee was still sitting in the outer office when I came outside. I had no idea what was keeping him from actual classes and truth be told, I didn’t really care. I really wanted to sign up for Mr. Ferris’ advanced woodworking class, but figured that would have to wait until the spring. When things had calmed down a bit, I’d be ready. I laughed to myself as I realized that next spring things would be anything but calm across the board.
Before I realized what was happening, the school day ended. Ah well, it looked to be an interesting semester. Sam and I would actually be together for Algebra II. I was looking forward to that.
I vowed not to get competitive with him about it. We were in this together. I’d help him in any way that I could. I’d come a long way over the last few months. I was finally realizing that I was a lot smarter than I’d ever given myself credit for. Perhaps it was the hormones? I laughed aloud.
I flagged Darla down as she made her exit just to verify our practice session that evening. I then decided to wait for Sam. The longer he took, the more I began to worry. He was five minutes late in arriving, but at least he showed up. As we made our way over to the Inn he began telling me how the coach wanted him to sign up for football this fall. I put my foot down.
"Sam, you’re three months pregnant! You promised if I didn’t give you any flack about finishing out the baseball season that you’d stop until the twins are born. There’s no way you’ll be able to play by Christmas time anyway! Please Sam, don’t do this for me, do it for them?" I let the last word hang in the air. We walked along in silence.
"I’m sorry Joan, you’re right," he whispered at last. I heaved a huge sigh of relief as we continued on our journey. "So, did you copy down the homework assignment for Algebra class tomorrow?" he asked seriously.
"Sam, half the kids in that class don’t have their text books yet! What are you worried about?"
"Well, now that you’re part of team ‘Peters’ I expect you to be prepared too. No more sloughing off all the time," he finished. I smiled at him. Should I tell him that I beat him on three of last year’s final tests? History, algebra, and science? I didn’t need to do that. I smiled at him briefly before replying.
"You’re right Sam, in a way. Anyway, I won’t be able to look at that stuff till after band practice tonight. If you’ll allow me the use of your text book, I’ll work out the problems myself." He smiled at me and told me it was a done deal.
Finally, we arrived at the Inn. Jared was putting the finishing touches on the downstairs bedrooms and Aunt Melissa was in the kitchen cooking up something special. At least, that’s what Jared had to tell us. He smiled fondly as he murmured her name. I still didn’t know if she’d even made it home last night. I sighed aloud and ushered Sam to one of the stools over at the counter. I asked him what he wanted to drink and he told me he wanted a "chocolate soda."
Not only didn’t I have any experience preparing such a beverage, I didn’t know if we had the ingredients for it. I left him sitting there and walked into the kitchen. "You’re not supposed to be in here!" Aunt Melissa screamed at me.
"Whoa! Calm down! Sam wants a chocolate soda, and I have no idea whether or not we have the ingredients let alone how to make one."
She told me to go outside take my seat and she’d be with me directly. I did as instructed and went out and sat next to my husband. My ‘husband.’ That still sounded strange to me. He smiled at me and grabbed my hand protectively. I could hear the water running. Jared was apparently cleaning up for the noon time meal. Aunt Melissa quickly appeared and made a slew of chocolate sodas. One for each of us!
Next up was Auntie M’s version of my meatloaf along with potatoes and a very healthy salad. "How on earth did you find the time to do all of this?" I found myself forced to ask.
"Oh this little thing? This was nothing!" she exclaimed and doled out portions of the food to fill our plates.
"What no fresh bread?" Sam asked and laughed. Aunt Melissa laughed with him and told him that she’d forgotten and would be right back. Two minutes later she came back with the most delicious toasted hard rolls that I’d ever eaten. We ate pretty much in silence. Jared served her knowing looks at each and every opportunity. I was worried for my Aunt. What exactly was going on here?
Lunch finished, Sam insisted on doing the clean up. That was a first for him. His actions made me proud. I asked Auntie M and Jared if they had anything that they had to do upstairs cause I’d be putting the second coat of varnish down on the stairway shortly. They smiled at me in unison and told me they were going out for a walk. Dissension in the ranks? What kind of boss was I? I considered it for a moment and figured that I’d get more work out of them if I let them proceed at their own pace. I only hoped that I was right.
"Well Joan, once you finish that stairwell, we’ll be able to get to the serious work upstairs. I’m reasonably sure that we should be able to finish the job in another two weeks." He said all of this and smiled at me, like it should all mean something to me. A furtive glance in Aunt Melissa’s direction cut him off in his tracks.
"We’ll be back in an hour or so," Auntie M said as they headed out the door. Not knowing what else to do, I got out my tack cloth and tackled the stairs. Sam finished up in the kitchen and said his goodbyes. He attempted to ask me about Jared and Aunt Melissa. I shushed him. I didn’t want to think about it. I had enough problems. Still, for some reason I felt that it would be easier talking to Jared about it than Aunt Melissa and that’s what I resolved to do.
By the time the young couple returned (ha ha), I was in the middle of the second coat of varnish. Aunt Melissa walked into the Inn carrying a teddy bear. I began to worry for her even more. I wondered if Jared knew that she had a daughter only slightly younger than he was himself. They sat at the counter and had a cup of coffee while I finished up the stairwell. To my untrained eye, it looked even better than it had after the first coat. That at least had been my intention.
I put the lid on the varnish and washed my hands with turpentine. Auntie M and Jared were still sitting at the counter when I’d finished. "Jared, can I speak with you for a minute?" I stood near the entry way so he’d know he’d have to get up and join me. He asked me if I wanted a cup of coffee. I told him it wouldn’t hurt. He brought the black beverage over to me and we stepped outside.
"Jared, what are you doing? I know it’s none of my business. Damn, I seem to be saying that too much lately, but Aunt Melissa is a married lady who’s going through a rough time right now. Her daughter, my cousin, is about your age. I’m just a kid sure, and I do see where you two could be helpful to one another. That being said, I can also see where your being together could be a total disaster for the both of you."
"Relax Joan! Your Aunt and I are just enjoying each other’s company. We’re both aware of the pitfalls in front of us and I’m hoping we’re wise enough to avoid them. Now, can we get inside and get back to work? Oh, and I met your mother last night," he said while chuckling. Had I been totally wrong in judging his character? With his last comment my eyes filled with tears. I was only glad that there wasn’t a hammer anywhere in the vicinity.
"Joan, I’m sorry! It was a poor attempt at humor and I was kidding. I have nothing but the highest regard for your mother and your aunt. Do you think you can forgive me?"
Should I simply try to brush it off? No big deal? No, I couldn’t do that. It was a big deal. These people were all incredibly important to me in my life and I’d do anything to protect each and every one of them. "Jared, I don’t find such conversations humorous. I may only be a kid, but I’m old enough to know right from wrong. I’ve always treated others with the respect that I expect to be treated with. That’s always worked for me. Sorry if I seem to be a stick in the mud here."
"No Joan, you’re right. I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me. I’m not sure what your Aunt’s feelings are for me, nor what mine are for her. I guess we’ll figure that out over time. If that’s going to be a problem, well, then I’ll be on my way now."
Did his canceled wedding have more of an effect on him than I’d realized? "Jared, I like the way you work; hell, I like you! It’s just --- well, this is a delicate time for everyone right now. Please keep that in mind, ok?"
"You have my word Joan. I promise. Now, what say we go back inside before your Aunt begins to wonder what the hell happened to us." We went back inside and I spent the next few hours cleaning up. Aunt Melissa seemed happy tidying up the kitchen. It seemed to me she was a bit more interested in the place than any worker had a right to be. But, that was her call and if it made her happy, so be it.
I felt good as I made my way home. Aunt Melissa said she’d have dinner ready for us all at six thirty. That sounded like a plan to me. I made my way across the street and found Sam sitting at his desk in his bedroom going over his books. I was really happy to see him involved with schoolwork once again. Maybe it would help keep his mind off of sports for awhile? Hell, it was Dr. Feingold that said he shouldn’t be hanging around all the paint vapors and such. I only hoped that he hadn’t done any damage thus far. Still, all the work that he’d done had been outside, so I guessed that he should be alright.
I went into the bathroom and did my routine with my pills. Sometimes the big one got caught in the back of my throat and I had to wash it down with some tap water. I stood there staring at my reflection and lifted my breasts up , one in each hand, and just let them drop. With each passing week they seemed to be getting just a wee bit bigger.
"Come on Sam! We’re dining at my mother’s this evening. Aunt Melissa promised to make one of her specialties." I didn’t have to ask him twice. The book he was working on snapped closed and he jumped up from where he was sitting. He came over and hugged me in such a way that caused my breasts to ache. That had never happened before. I smiled up at him and didn’t let on as to the pain. We walked arm in arm across the street.
Jared greeted us at the front door. "Long time no see," he said half joking. I began to wonder just why I’d bothered having a talk with him at all. Maybe I simply was too young for a position of such importance?
"Jared, have you called your family since the wedding?" I felt obliged to ask. Hell, was I to become parent to yet another grown up? Instead of responding, he simply smiled at me and told me not to worry about it. Certain things about his presence here just made me uneasy. One minute I thought I knew him and knew him well. The next minute I felt like I didn’t know him at all.
Mom had beat us over there by about five minutes. She seemed to have no trouble relating to Mr. Kingston. Hell, the way the two ladies fawned over him it was almost embarrassing. For some insane reason I found myself worrying about Sam being taken in by him too .Yes, that didn’t make any sense at all. Well, I told you it was an insane reason.
Shandy had a new best friend. This was all getting stranger than I could fathom. Ah well, things change, no? Everything just seemed so different! Dad, gone. Sam? My HUSBAND! My Aunt from Australia now taking up permanent residence in my old bedroom and Sam’s mother wanting me to call her mom. Where the hell was it all going to end?
Sam and Jared seemed to get along just fine. It was almost spooky the way they communicated. Mom and Auntie M simply engaged in sister-speak, leaving me basically to twist in the wind. Dinner ended and I did my best to clean everything up as quickly as I could. I had to get over to Darla’s for band practice. This was the last chance we’d have before the battle of the bands on Saturday. From the way the conversation was going, I doubted that they’d miss me. I gave Sam a hug and a kiss and told him I’d be home by eleven. Yeah, that was insanely late for a school night. And yeah, I planned on being home substantially earlier, but, it was better to plan for a worst case situation than have to call up and beg for extra time.
I pedaled my bicycle slowly over to Darla’s. We still didn’t have a name for the band! How could we enter a battle of the bands without even having a name? Yeah, I guessed we couldn’t. I stood outside the front door and rang their bell. Darla answered it after the fifth ring. Hell, we had band practice tonight and then I had an appointment with Aunt Vivian tomorrow night, nothing (thank god!) on Friday night and then the battle of the bands on Saturday night.
"Would you like to buy some Hairy Kay cosmetics?" I said as she opened the front door to me. I danced quickly out of the way as she attempted to punch me in the arm. She was lucky things had turned out the way they did. She’d never have survived as a "guy." I began to wonder the very same thing about myself. I knew in my heart that this was how I was meant to live my life.
"Come on in, bubblebrain." Whoa! Was she talking to me? I wasn’t in the mood to prove my intellectual prowess. I let her get away with her comment. "Fred’s waiting for us downstairs. He says we need to come up with a name!" We made our way into the basement babbling back and forth at one another.
"Hey Fred! Yes, we do need a name, but what say we go over our three tunes first and then worry about a name?" It made the most sense to me. I knew if we stopped and played with names now that we’d probably never get anything done. "Hokay, so we’re gonna do "Love and Memories," "Cable Car," and "Drive, right? But, what order are we going to do them in?"
"Let’s just go over the tunes first and then we’ll decide the order," this from Darla. It took us two hours to get them down perfectly. We finally got to the point where each of us could intuitively anticipate the actions of the other. I couldn’t help but exhibit my mile-wide smile.
"I’m gonna make this easier on everyone. You guys decide the order. It doesn’t matter to me!" They both looked at me like I was crazy, but I was serious. The order of the tunes made no difference to me. "I think right now we need to worry more about a name than anything else. How about Friends Of Fred?" I laughed when I saw they took my suggestion seriously.
"The Little Easy." From Darla.
"Charbroiled Eggs." From Fred.
"Ladies’ Choice" I had to offer something?
"Hometown. Heroes" Fred again.
The names came out fast and furious. None of them resonated with me. "Hmm? The band with no name?" I said and laughed. "Seems we’re having a harder time with this than I thought we would. I get this feeling of futility. It’s like we’re grasping at straws."
"That’s it!" shouted Darla.
"What’s it?" Fred countered. I smiled over at her. I knew just what she was going for and it was perfect.
"You tell him Darla," I said and smiled at the both of them.
"Grasping At Straws," she said and bobbed her head up and down matter of factly. "It even makes for a neat acronym too!… GAS!!! She screamed and began laughing maniacally.
"But if we want any jobs playing weddings, well, that’s not the right name," Fred announced and remained quiet.
"Fred given our equipment and our repertoire, no one is going to hire us to provide music for their wedding." Sometimes you had to hit him over the head with the facts.
"Well, I suppose we can use it for now," he said and sulked.
"Fred, a band by any other name would sound as sweet!" I couldn’t help myself. "So, we’re going to leave from here on Saturday? Did you want to practice one more time? " We hemmed and hawed for a few minutes before breaking up the session. Fred was borrowing a truck to move all the equipment. Hell, all I had was my second hand guitar and my bass. No truck would be required to move my stuff.
It was just after ten and I still had some homework to do. I bade them both goodnight and slowly pedaled my way home. This was really going to happen! I was so excited! Sam was on the phone when I came walking through the door. It sounded as though he was talking to Billy. I wish I knew how to get over my anger. Somehow, I just didn’t think it was possible. At length he finished his call, hung up the phone and looked at me.
"Well, I’ve got good news for you and bad news for you. Which do you want first?" His eyes were a steely blue as he uttered those words. I shrugged my shoulders indicating that I didn’t care at all and he started in. "Billy won’t be coming with me to the battle of the bands on Saturday night." That was a piece of good news I could handle.
"But, he will be accompanying Sarah. They made plans to go together. I believe that Darla mentioned it to Sarah?" I did my best to control myself. How the hell could Darla have done that? Didn’t she know how much I hated those two? "Anyway, Fred’s got a job for me!" I looked up at him totally perplexed.
"His regular soundman won’t be able to work the board for him on Saturday night. He told me he could teach me how the board works in about fifteen minutes. I hope you don’t think I’m horning in on your party or anything?" I studied him carefully. I felt nothing of the sort. I was glad that Fred found something for him to do.
"Have you given any thought to taking up a musical instrument?" I asked him and started laughing. He knew I was teasing him and started chasing me about the house.
"If you guys need someone to play the spoons or a jug, then I’m your man," he said half-seriously.
"While we’re on the subject, how hard was the algebra homework?" I asked with a straight face. He practically threw the book at me. Fifteen minutes later, I was finished. It wasn’t hard at all. Just a rehash of last years’ work.
That night I slept a dreamless sleep…..
Joan and Sam continue to wend their way through the first week of school.
Chapter 16
"It’s Been Awhile"
Thursday morning. I really needed to acquire some more appropriate clothing for school. Today though, I was going to wear one of my denim skort sets. It didn’t bother me at all anymore. I felt at peace with myself about everything. Of course, I wasn’t living in fantasy land. I was aware of all the potential dangers waiting just around the next curve!
"I’m going with you this evening for your appointment," Sam said to me as we made our way to school. "No, I’m not joining in," he said while breaking out in laughter. "While you’re upstairs getting your head shrunk, Fred’s going to be in the basement showing me how his mixer works." He seemed unusually happy about the whole thing. I guessed it couldn’t cause any harm. Minutes later we arrived outside the front of the building. Sam and I stood there holding hands when Charlie O’Brien walked over.
Charlie was a bit of an idiot, but he seemed harmless enough. "Hi Sam, Hi John," he said smiling. I thought just a moment about correcting him then realized that it wouldn’t be worth the trouble. "Hey, isn’t that the fire hydrant where you beat the hell out of that kid last year?" he asked Sam. I could tell that Sam was confused. He didn’t know whether to laugh or become angry. Remembering that occasion vividly did nothing for either of us. Sam took a deep breath, designed to calm himself down, and stood there talking baseball with him until the bell rang. I stood calmly by his side holding his hand as he rambled on and on. In a lot of ways nothing had changed. I was as invisible now as I ever had been.
Walking through the hallways, there were jeers and catcalls all aimed at me, or at least it felt that way. Was I becoming paranoid? The one thing I couldn’t get over: I felt good about myself. I didn’t need "this." I’m not sure why knowing that made it easier for me, but it did. I had no feelings of hopelessness about anything! Being at peace with myself made all the difference in the world.
Darla and I shared several laughs as Mr. Baum took attendance. At least he got my name right this time. I responded in the affirmative when he called out "Ms. Peters." I wasn’t sure if I simply made him uncomfortable or whether he was more deeply upset than he let on. Of course, several of my classmates went on with the teasing comments. I could tell that something ugly was brewing. I guessed that all I could do was ignore it and simply take it as it comes. My defenses were always at the ready.
Another school day sped by before I really realized that I was there. I found myself thinking of just what the seating arrangements would be in the cafeteria come Monday. Sam was waiting for me outside when the final bell rang. "You waiting for a walk to another free lunch?" I asked him upon exiting. He laughed at that and told me he was just waiting for his best girl. He looked past me upon saying that over to where Shelly Hazlet was standing and I just had to punch him in the shoulder. He feigned injury but made no attempt to retaliate.
"Come on, lets go get some fuel for that bottomless pit of yours." He smiled at me, took my hand and began marching me off in the direction of the Inn.
"Isn’t everything just perfect?" he asked me seriously as we began our trek. I had no idea how to respond to that. Perfect? Not by a long shot. Still, things really weren’t ‘bad." Hell, all things considered, I guess that I didn’t have any complaints.
We arrived at our destination. Thankfully, the front door wasn’t locked. We walked inside and I listened as Sam oohed and ahhed over the condition of the stairwell. I shrugged my shoulders by way of a response.
"If you two want anything to eat, you’re going to have to make it yourselves," Aunt Melissa screamed down the stairs at us.
"Well Sam, there you go. If you want your charbroiled hamburger, you’re going to have to make it yourself," I said while staring him in the eye. He looked a bit disappointed. But, not so disappointed that he wouldn’t head on into the kitchen and fire up the grill.
"You guys want any burgers?" I screamed up the stairs. They both replied enthusiastically in the affirmative. It seemed Aunt Melissa and Jared would be joining us for lunch. It’s weird, but I felt more pride in that stairwell than I did about the rest of the work I’d done on the building. I gently caressed the banister as I ascended the stairs. I figured Sam could handle the kitchen and went to check on my employees. They were both at work in the communal baths. Jared appropriately in the men’s room and Auntie M in the ladies. "You two do nice work! I’m going to have to give myself a raise!" I laughed aloud.
"We really should be ready to turn this over to the new owners in another week and a half," I commented. "Why don’t you two get cleaned up for lunch and I’ll see you downstairs." With that I washed my own hands and headed down into the kitchen to join Sam. While he manned the grill, I began assembling plates. Burgers, pickles, cole slaw, potato salad, and chips.
"You know Joan? There’s something about this place. It just feels like home," Sam said to me as he continued to work. It felt strange to hear him say that, but the thing was, I knew exactly what he was talking about. I had the same feelings for the Inn. With Jared here the work was going a lot faster. It would have actually wound up costing more if I’d done all the work myself. I walked up quietly behind Sam and reached my arms around him. I poked him gently right in the sides. He jumped about three feet in the air and laughed. I loved him so!
Everyone arrived down at the counter and I seated them and began setting their places. "You’re a natural waitress, sweetheart," Jared said to me and smiled. I started to get angry when I realized he was just busting my chops. Sam transferred the burgers to the buns and carried a few plates out to the counter.
"I can’t believe how perfect the floors came out down here, Jared. I’m sure they’ll be able to get top dollar for those rooms." He smiled at me and told me that had been the plan. "I wonder if they’re going to keep the name: Ryan Inn? It might be time for a change. Jared and Auntie M shared a secret smile. Sometimes I wondered whether or not I was invisible. Those who loved me seemed not to hear me as well sometimes. Was there something about me that caused them to do that? .
Sam finished up his second burger and leaned back on the stool. "Don’t fall over there!" I warned. He laughed at my warning and told me he had no intentions of falling anywhere. While I did the cleaning up, Sam sat there and announced to the group at large that his first trimester was officially over. I guess I hadn’t been paying that close attention. How the hell could I have missed that? I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Aunt Melissa and Jared clasped hands and smiled into one another’s eyes.
With the kitchen all squared away and Sam announcing that he was headed home for a nap, I went upstairs with Jared and he showed me two of the bedrooms that were ready to accept paint. Paint: this was how it had all started. I really enjoyed painting rooms. I had to admit there was more satisfaction to be had from being in charge of the entire project, but I really liked painting.
It still struck me as odd that I had a real job. Not just some kid type of paper route or snow shoveling in the winter, but a real job. By the time six o’clock rolled around, I had both of the guest rooms painted. Jared and Aunt Melissa were lost in some kind of private communication. I had to get home, get some food for Sam and make my way over to the Raspberry’s.
I could smell the chicken cooking as I walked through the front door. I could hear voices coming from the kitchen. Mom and Aunt Alice were busily preparing dinner. It felt strange to encounter mom over here at Aunt Alice’s. Sam was nowhere in attendance. Would I rather be home taking care of things, or was I happier out in the world making a pay check? Yeah, I could be just as happy doing either, but the need for funds was there and I had the knack for getting jobs.
"So, how’s your Aunt doing with her young hunk?" Mom asked as I walked into the room. A look of horror swept across my face. "Don’t look so shocked Joan. If anyone deserves a bit of happiness, my older sister does. Why don’t you go upstairs and retrieve your husband," she said and chuckled. They didn’t have to ask me twice. I practically ran up the stairs and just as I was about to shake him awake, I couldn’t help but stop and stare. He really looked angelic laying there with his arm wrapped around Josam.
I leaned over, kissed him gently on the ear lobe, and whispered: "Sam… dinner’s ready." He may not have been born male, but Sam Peters was a stereotypical male if such a thing were said to exist. "Come on you big lug! We have to eat and get over to Aunt Vivian’s."
He got up and stretched his arms wide while making outrageous noises for all the world to hear. It was almost embarrassing. With his arms stretched high and wide, I poked him in the gut and made a mad dash for the door. He was just a step and a half behind. I was careful going down the stairs. I didn’t want to take a chance that Sam might hurt himself. Maybe I was being overly cautious? It just seemed like the right thing to do.
We all gathered at the Peters’ kitchen table. In all my fourteen years I couldn’t ever remember the four of us together at this table before. It was almost weird. "So, Joan, how do you like the new school year?" Aunt Alice asked in a way that I couldn’t read. Was she being sincere or taunting? From the look that mom gave her, I could tell that she wasn’t sure either. I had no desire to confess anything to her, so I told her that all was as well as could be expected. Mom gave me a look which suggested approval at my response, and Sam just sat there trying to decide what to swallow next. I knew he saw everything that I did, but he never let it get to him the way it affected me.
Dinner finished, I made Sam help me clean up and we made our apologies to the grandmothers. I couldn’t help but smile when I looked at those two beautiful, relatively young women and thought of them as ‘grandmothers.’
All the way over to Darla’s, Sam kept talking about how excited he was to be joining the band, even if it only was in this very limited fashion. I wasn’t really sure how I felt about that. Would he have welcomed me on his baseball team? Yeah, I suppose he would have, even if I played like a girl. There was still a part of me that rebelled at my loss of status. I didn’t view myself as weaker than any boy in any way. I was at least as capable as the next person in anything except competitive sports, I thought and laughed aloud.
Sam looked at me curiously and asked me just what was so funny. I responded in a way that left him thinking that I had no idea what he was talking about. Thankfully, he let it go. We arrived at the Raspberry home and Aunt Vivian opened the door. She seemed surprised to see Sam there with me. "Ah, perfect! I was wondering when I was going to get the chance to talk to the both of you." She said. A look of terror swept across Sam’s face. Both Aunt Viv and I broke out in laughter. "Sam, the kids are waiting for you downstairs," she said. She didn’t have to tell him twice. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Sam move quite that fast before.
"You know Joan, it probably would be a good idea for me and Sam to get together." I nodded in agreement, but I knew the likelihood of that happening was somewhere south of zero. "So, how’s the new school year treating you?" I could tell by the way she asked the question that Darla had been filling her in along the way. We went in and sat down at the kitchen table. Aunt Viv poured us both a cup of coffee. Aunt Vivian sat there and lit her cigarette. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had one. The urge, desire, need was more than I could take. I began rooting through my purse furiously in search of the evil weed. Finally, Aunt Vivian pushed her pack over in my direction. Contributing to the delinquency of a minor flashed through my mind. I smiled sheepishly and removed one from the pack.
I lit it, inhaled deeply and began my tale. "I’m not really sure how things are going yet. Sometimes I get the feeling that serious trouble is waiting just around the corner. Most of the people I’ve come into contact with have been kind and supporting, but there is a certain minority that keeps me on my toes. I guess I’m just not as relaxed as I used to be. I find myself always a bit more alert than I had been in the past. Never quite sure just what’s going to happen next. And some of the comments people make to me, well they give me pause." I went on that way for the entire hour. I couldn’t believe that I had so much to say on the subject. Still, I wondered whether my feelings were normal for a teenage girl, or whether they were a reflection of my beginnings. All in all, I felt better when our talk was over, so it must be having some positive effect?
Aunt Viv dismissed me (at least it felt that way) and asked me to go and ask Sam to come up and talk to her. A nervous laugh escaped my throat. I told her I’d try and made my way down into the basement. "Joan!!!" Sam screamed excitedly. "This is incredible! I had no idea that the sound engineer had such power," he laughed.
"Joan, I’m a bit in awe myself. I’ve never seen anyone take to the sound board the way that Sam has. He simply seems to know intuitively all the right buttons to push and levers to move," Fred announced proudly. "With Sam handling the sound, we’ll have that much more of an edge. Steve is good, but just doesn’t have the natural talent that Sam seems to have for it."
I was still undecided whether or not Fred was being nice to Sam or whether he meant his praise. It didn’t really matter I guess. What mattered was that Sam seemed to believe it and he was happy. "Sam, Aunt Viv wants to see you up in the kitchen," I said softly to him. His entire body almost seemed to freeze with fear. "It’s all right sweetheart, you go and talk to her and we’ll go over the songs one more time," I said and smiled up at him. He seemed unreasonably nervous. I assured him he had nothing to worry about and actually walked him back up the stairs. I told him that I needed to get some more coffee. He was so wrapped up in his own worries that he didn’t examine my motives too closely.
He took a few deep breaths and went into the kitchen to talk to her. I thought about following him in and grabbing some more coffee, but I really didn’t want any more. Besides, I thought it might make it that much more difficult when I actually did leave. I shook my head from side to side, turned around and made my way back downstairs.
"So, should we go over the songs one more time?" I asked upon arriving. Fred thought that might be a good idea, but only if Sam was there to work with us. I was almost glad in a way. I felt like any more practice of the tunes would be overworking them. We’d be burning up some of the magic that rested within them. Yes, I know that sounds totally insane. I was half tempted to blame it on the hormones and began laughing out loud. I was positive that I was the only one who would see the humor in the situation.
For the next half an hour we sat there talking and listening to some new tunes. Well, new tunes as far as the band was concerned. Finally, Sam came back down the stairs. He didn’t seem any worse for wear. "So, are you three ready to give it a real trial run?" He asked as he came over to hug me. We picked up our instruments and went at it. Long enough to go over our three contest entries. Sam seemed to smile wider at the completion of each tune. It was almost ten o’clock when we decided to call it a night. I began wondering if I’d ever get a chance to speak with Darla in private again. It seemed no matter how good things were going in my life that I could always find something to complain about.
We said our goodnights and I told Darla I’d see her at school in the morning. "Do you think we’ll ever have a home as nice as all that?" Sam asked as we made our way back to Chez Peters. His question had hit me from left field. I had no idea how to respond.
"Well, when you make the New York Yankees starting rotation, yeah maybe we can buy an even bigger home," I said to him. But, I didn’t laugh. He eyed me suspiciously. He decided overall that I wasn’t being glib or facetious. "Sam, I’m sorry. I’m not really sure what tomorrow’s going to bring at this point. I’m reasonably sure that we’ll be able to provide for our family and give them what they need. As for all the extra frills, who knows?" Still, I thought, it would be nice to have all the little extras. Then again, extras weren’t necessities. I decided that it wasn’t worth worrying about and said as much to Sam. With a bit of a laugh I started singing: "Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there…" He kissed me gently on my right temple as we continued to walk.
Tomorrow, just one more short day of school. The real fun would begin next week. Home schooling seemed to be more appealing all the time. Sam and I even though we were best friends, we’d never really studied together. I began wondering whether or not we could make the transition into a team that actually worked together. Sam found it hard to believe that I could actually have gone to school totally unprepared the way that I had on Tuesday. I attempted to explain to him that I was avoiding everything. I kept thinking/hoping that if I just ignored it, that it would all go away. Of course, it never did. Anyway, I got my name thing all straightened out. No one seemed terribly put out by my appearance, though I wasn’t sure just how long all of that was going to last.
"Sam, you could really help me out by going over the math with me quickly, instead of making me suffer with the text going over it all page by page," I said to him as we went inside. He eyed me carefully as if trying to decide just how to handle the situation. In a way I didn’t really care, I knew I could figure it all out without his help if need be. I figured it would be just one more way we could get a little closer. Perhaps we were already close enough to one another? We went over problems concerning the binomial distribution. I was slightly amazed to see that the teacher was going over new material at this point in the game. It would be harder this year to do better than Sam on a test and then not let him know about it. I seriously wondered/worried whether his ego could handle it.
Once again I felt an attack of the giggles coming on. caught myself before laughing aloud. Not even finished with the first week of school and here I was assuming that I was going to do better than everybody! Still, I was determined. If I was going to go to school at all, I wasn’t going to be wasting my time with the effort. And, maybe being in the same class as Sam would actually be helpful to him. He always loved a good contest. My being there would help keep him on his toes. Besides, I’d be able to see if and where he was having any trouble and I could help him out with it. I know that sounds kind of arrogant, but it’s not, not really. Algebra just seemed so easy to me. Sam was good at it too, still there were a number in the class who were struggling with the concepts. I found myself hoping that for their sake as well as ours that they (or we) would be moved to a different section.
Too tired to look at the pages anymore, I turned off the lights and reached out for my husband in the dark. I could tell that he was devising a plan of his own. His plan being: to conquer me. He reached out with a vise like grip and tried to hold me in place. I slid about like an eel and bit him playfully on the thigh as he still attempted to overcome me with brute strength. "Are you ready to give up yet?" I had to ask. He actually laughed and redoubled his efforts. I slid quickly between his legs and came at him from behind. At first I thought I had him totally baffled. After awhile I realized that he was just playing with me.
I decided to return the favor and gently nibbled on the excess flesh surrounding his shoulder blades. My hands began massaging where my teeth had just been. He began moaning in anticipation and appreciation. Slowly but surely our mouths found each other. Was it really true that we’d just turned fourteen a few months ago? I felt ageless in his embrace. As if all the wisdom of the universe resided within me and also like I was a visitor to this strange and wonderful planet. Here for the first time and discovering my one true love. I didn’t really understand the connection, but I was so happy that I cried. The tears flowed down my cheeks furiously as we embraced over and over again.
Finally, he rolled over spent and embraced one of the teddy bears. I took one last opportunity to nibble on his exposed ear lobe and giggled softly for him to hear. I love you Sam. I’ll always love you. Goodnight sweetheart. With those few words I closed my eyes and I was gone…Sleeping soundly, ready to face Friday and whatever it might have to throw in my path.
Joan's life is starting into a new routine as she reflects on things and people changing within her life... or do they?
Chapter 17
Stars
My sleep vacillated between one of sublime rest and one of total torment. During the restful periods I gently reached out and stroked the back of my beloved. During the times of turmoil, I grabbed at him in panic mode and attempted to shelter myself in his skeleton. I did everything I could think of to awaken myself from this nightmare. Even though I knew it was just a dream, I couldn’t escape the fear or the consequences that were determined to overtake me. Why was I having such a difficult time of things? All was going well, wasn’t it? Somewhere around six o’clock I gave up trying to sleep and carefully slid my body out of bed making my way downstairs as quietly as I knew how.
Although it was early, I knew there was no way that I’d be getting any more sleep this morning. I wished it was a little later. The living room and dining room sure could use a run through with the vacuum cleaner and the noise would surely awaken the rest of the household. Not sure why I always thought about dealing with turmoil by cleaning something. Yes, at this point I was certain it was some kind of defense mechanism. But? Blah, blah, blah, I’m just a fourteen year old kid. I laughed out loud at the insane game my own brain was playing with me. I was pretty sure it was a game that I couldn’t win, but I didn’t think it really mattered whether I won or lost this one.
I put on a pot of coffee and emptied out a few of the kitchen cabinets while it was perking. Yes, the cabinets had never been cleaned, apparently. I washed them down and washed off each individual item before replacing it. There were some items in those cabinets from “The Land That Time Forgot.” I was too easy to entertain. I began wondering at my own sanity or lack thereof. It seemed I was amused by the simplest of things. I cleaned out half of the cabinets and decided to take a break with a cup of coffee. The clock was moving in on seven as I finally took a break.
Yes, I was going to quit smoking, ha ha. I’d been doing well until that visit to Aunt Vivian’s last night. Now I was here with a cup of coffee in hand and almost aching for a cigarette! What a strange stupid feeling to have. I swished the coffee around rapidly in the cup in an attempt to cool it down. It felt rather hot to my lips, but I was determined to drink it as quickly as possible. When I was reasonably sure I could handle the liquid without it burning the hell out of my throat, I took the cup and tossed the contents back with one sweeping motion. It burned slightly sliding down my esophagus, but I managed to get the job done. I then ran upstairs and hit the shower before Sam could take it over. -
Friday: week one was almost done! I briefly wondered how many weeks were remaining till next summer? Thirty-six? Thirty-seven? As much as my life had changed in these few brief months, I almost couldn’t imagine where I’d be come next summer vacation. I took a lightning fast shower and ran in to get Sam out of bed. He was usually pretty good about getting up in the morning, but for some reason he didn’t want to move today.
“Yo Sam! It’s time to get up!” I yelled across the room at him doing my best imitation of Rocky Balboa. He grumbled and groaned at me and pulled a pillow over his head. Hell, I wasn’t his mother. “OK, you sleep all day if that’s what you need to do. I’m going to school!” He twisted and turned under the covers for a moment before tossing them aside and wrangling his way out of bed.
And now, the important part. What the hell was I going to wear today? I was determined to push the envelope a little further. Today I was going to wear my yellow sun dress with my blue espadrilles and my blue sapphire studs. That should shake them up if nothing else did. Was I trying to draw attention to myself? Hell, I didn’t care. I just wanted to look pretty. Simple enough, no? Maybe I needed to make some new friends at school? Hell, I hadn’t said ten words to Sally since we’d been back. In fact, I’d only seen her for about two minutes on Wednesday. I took my pills out of my bag and popped one of each. My breasts were becoming more sensitive all the time. And, my back side was expanding as well. I don’t really like talking about it, but, figured I should take note of that too.
Sam had the bathroom mirror all steamed up so I made do with the mirror over his dresser. I really did need a makeup table. Oh well, I had too many real things to worry about before I started getting completely wrapped up in my own appearance. It’s funny, as John, I never spent five minutes worrying about what I looked like. Now, well now I felt totally strange if I just let myself go. I decided in that very moment that I didn’t want to be that kind of girl. Sure, I’d take pride in my appearance, but I wasn’t going to get totally wrapped up in making everything just ‘perfect.’
“Come on Sam, we’re going to be late,” I yelled at him as he climbed out of the shower. He smiled at me hesitantly.
“Joan, you’re stunning. Are you sure you want to wear that outfit to school?” he had to ask adding doubt to my mind.
“Come on, your cereal is getting soggy,” I lied and urged him down the stairs. He practically pushed me down the stairs like I was the one responsible for the hold up. I’m not sure why I let him get away with some of those things. Maybe because they were inconsequential? There was an unofficial race to down bowls of cheerios. Sam attempted to swat me in the arm when he saw that I’d lied about his cereal getting soggy. He filled the bowls with cereal and I took care of the juice. Five minutes later we were ready to face the new day.
I smiled to myself as I put both empty bowls in the kitchen sink. Smiling, because no one over here would ever notice that the bowls weren’t where they were supposed to be. Sam started to ask me just what I was laughing about and then thought better of it. “You know Joan, you seem to be smiling a lot more these days. Is everything alright with you?” he asked with some concern in his voice. Honestly I wasn’t sure, but I didn’t want to get into it with him this morning.
The walk to school was a quiet one. I had so much to accomplish over the weekend. There’d be no real time for “just me” till… Hell, I didn’t have an answer for that one. Still, in a sense everything I did was just for me. There was a way of viewing my life as one of a series of decisions totally made for my benefit. That was the view I chose to take. We arrived and I could tell Sam was anxious to run off and talk to his friends. I didn’t want to hold him prisoner. “Go Sam,” was all I said. I didn’t need to say it twice. He kissed me gently on the forehead and was gone.
Meanwhile, I found myself looking for Darla and Sally. They were off in a corner by themselves. Thank God, Sarah was nowhere in attendance. “Sally!” I practically screamed as I ran over to greet them. “How the hell are you?” It was a serious question and not a simple greeting.
“I’m fine Joan. I’ve been wondering what happened to you? You’re not in any of my classes this year.”
“Are you sure? I thought I saw you in my home economics class.” I said and laughed.
“With Ms. Birch?” she asked softly. “I should have realized that you might be in there. I guess I simply didn’t recognize you then.” Something seemed amiss with Sally. I couldn’t tell for the life of me what it was or why, but she seemed upset about something. How could she not have recognized me? She’d been there since the beginning.
I smiled at her and asked if she was coming to our battle of the bands tomorrow night. Yeah, I thought back to ask her about the baseball game a few weeks ago. I realized that I was possibly imposing and told her that I didn’t want her to even consider it unless she really wanted to go.
“Well, Joan if you could just keep your mouth shut for ten seconds,” Darla scolded me, “you’d know that Sally very much wants to come and see us play tomorrow night,” she finished. I apologized and shut up, the bell rang and we made our way inside. Damn, the last short day for months. I took my seat to more catcalls and other obnoxious remarks and it took Mr. Baum a while to get the class calmed down. Maybe wearing the sun dress had been a mistake? Hell, the closest anyone else came to that was Joanne Swedler and she was wearing a skirt with a tee shirt. Everyone else went for jeans or shorts. I reached out for Darla’s hand and for whatever reason, she was having none of it.
I pulled my hand back without looking over at her and folded my fingers together in front of me. The noise quieted down until Mr. Baum called out my name. “Joan Peters” was met with much laughter and amusement. It was not of a positive kind. The class erupted once again. I felt like crying, but screw them. I wasn’t going to fold up that way. I was stronger than that. I smiled at them all. I finally braved a look over at Darla and she wore a look of apology. She reached out for my hand waiting for me to take it. I thought about it for just a moment before accepting her offer. I squeezed her hand gently as her name was called. The rest of the class finally gave up on the ‘show.’ Maybe it would all die down over time?
Part of me knew that was just wishful thinking. I was sure there’d be some rough times ahead. The only thing I could do would be to not dwell on it and take it as it came. Still, I had no idea what I was up against. I found myself thinking of that movie, “Boys Don’t Cry,” and shivers ran up and down my spine. I guessed I’d be safer here at home hanging out with people that I knew. Besides, no one that had met me since I transitioned had read me for a boy. It’s funny, growing up I’d never thought of myself as pretty. I guess the world had other ideas?
I’m not sure how or why but I wandered from class to class without paying any attention. I couldn’t tell you what I had third period, except who was in the class, who was teaching it etc. I was just going through the motions. I reasoned there’d be time enough to worry abut such things come Monday. Right now, I just wanted to get through this day, run home and change into more appropriate clothing and head off to the Inn to see how much I could get done. Sam was waiting for me outside when the final bell rang. I was glad to have my friend back. Yes, we were husband and wife but we were so much more than that. We were also best friends and lovers. In a way, I felt out of place with all of these kids about. That too was weird.
It was almost as if I’d been placed in some kind of aging machine and woke up ten years older than everyone else. Things that had once excited and entertained me no longer had any special allure. I was happy for the changes in a way, but in another way I missed my carefree childhood. I wondered if I’d wake up some morning filled with nothing but regrets at having let my entire childhood simply slip away.
Time to stop with all this introspection. There was life to be lived and things to be done! Sam started dragging me off in the direction of the Inn. I told him I had to go home first. He urged me to just be quiet and go with him. He told me that I could go home and change after he ate. I don’t think there was anything more important in Sam’s life than food. It seemed to be his main reason for living. Yet, he never seemed to gain any weight. He could eat all day long and still look hard as a rock. OK, so lately he was getting a little soft around the middle. I worried that he wouldn’t be able to adjust to that.
I smiled at him as I ran my hand across his stomach and we completed our journey. I looked up in awe when we arrived at the Inn. The old sign was gone. In its place was a beautiful painting. A seascape with a lone sailboat out on the open water. High above it all was a glowing full moon. In large script, for all the world to see, it read: Day’s End. It was absolutely stunning. I wondered who had made the change and when? Sam looked up at it, looked at me, and shrugged his shoulders. We made our way inside. “Aunt Melissa,” I called out as we made our entrance. “Who put that sign up out there?” I practically screamed. Not that I cared all that much. I just felt like I’d been left out of the loop.
Shouldn’t I have been kept apprised of such goings on? “What are you talking about Joan?” she answered. Something was going on here. There was no way she could not have noticed that if she had been here all morning.
“The sign out in front of the building?” I tried again.
“Oh that!” she said and smiled. “The workmen came by this morning and installed it. Do you like it?” she asked. What I couldn’t figure out was why she was asking me if I liked it? Hell, it didn’t make any difference to me one way or the other. I just felt that I should have been informed. Perhaps I was beginning to care a bit too much about the place? That sign brought back the reality of the situation. I was a worker doing a job. How, when, had I become so caught up in all of this? I couldn’t quite get a handle on my feelings.
“Alright, enough of this sign nonsense. What’s for lunch?” Sam asked. Aunt Melissa informed him that he knew where the kitchen was. Sam didn’t waste any more words and made his way to the back. Ten minutes later Sam came out with a plate piled a mile high with cold cuts. I stopped and considered things for a moment. Who was supplying all the food? It had to have been Aunt Melissa. Maybe it just all magically appeared in the refrigerator? I needed to go home and change. I wasn’t hungry at all. I felt this need to just get away.
That sign which had bowled me over at first, now had me feeling like an intruder on someone else’s party. It didn’t make any sense. I guess I’d been taking some kind of weird ownership pride over the entire project. And now? Well, now that sign brought reality home to me. I kissed Sam gently on the head and told him I was going home to change. I walked outside and stood there with my eyes locked once again on the sign. I almost felt paralyzed. Why should that simple sign be making me so sad? It didn’t make any sense.
I gave my head a quick shake, turned around, and made my way home. I stopped over to visit Shandy. I hadn’t seen her in forever, or so it seemed. I smiled wide as she ran up to greet me. She was always happy to see me. It almost made me feel guilty. I gave her coat a good rubbing, checked her water and food and said goodbye. I imagined in my mind’s eye that she was sad as I took my leave.
Back at Sam’s, I found myself feeling like an intruder all over again. I thought I was all done with those feelings. That I’d made peace with my surroundings. I ran upstairs put on a ratty tee shirt and a pair of cutoffs. I found myself in the kitchen making myself a turkey sandwich. At least this was my food, purchased with my own hard earned money. As much as I just wanted to stay there and hide, I knew that I couldn’t. I calmed myself down with my thoughts as I walked. This was merely a job. I had no vested interest here. Best to just head on in, do my job and get the hell out of there.
Still, something about that sign killed my joy for the whole job. I convinced myself that I was nuts. Back on the job, I went upstairs and dove right in on painting the guest rooms. I didn’t say a word to Auntie M or Jared as they continued to work god knows where. I was now determined to get this job completed as soon as possible. I worked straight through till seven o’clock. No thoughts of Sam, or the rest of the family. They could all fend for themselves. By the time I was finished, I had three of the guest rooms painted. I figured that I could paint two of them tomorrow morning. Jared had done a good job in prepping the rooms.
I was determined to spend the evening alone. I couldn’t get over my feelings of worry for Sam. It wouldn’t be fair of me to simply let him twist in the wind. I pulled out my cell phone and made a quick call home. “Sam?” I asked as the phone was picked up. “Sam, I really need some time alone.” I didn’t wait for him to respond. Was I actually talking to Aunt Alice? I figured it didn’t matter if that was the case. She could simply tell Sam about my decision to take off.
“Joan? Are you alright? I’ve been worried about you,” he replied. Ah, leave it to Sam to make me feel guilty. I knew I was being unfair, but I really needed to be by myself for awhile. I did my best to make him understand. I told him I’d be home in a few hours, that I loved him very much and would see him soon. I ended the call before he could provide a counter argument. OK, that done, now what was I going to do? I looked like a ragamuffin. Tattered jeans and shirt and I wasn’t what you’d call clean. I didn’t care. I walked away from the Inn without looking back. I didn’t think I could handle another look at that sign this evening. I guessed I’d better start thinking of it as ‘The End’ rather than ‘The Inn’ and chuckled briefly to myself.
The scent of the sea grew stronger as I made my way to the boardwalk. It was only after seven, but it was already starting to get dark. Fall was on its way. I reveled in the cool damp air as I walked up the ramp. Traffic on the boardwalk was light, but heavier than it would be a few months from now. It felt more like a community when it was this way with most of the transients gone. People I’d known all my life operating their businesses and happy to be there. It was really special.
I walked around for a bit, bought myself a sandwich and just took it all in. I hadn’t been to many places in my brief life, but I couldn’t think of anywhere I’d rather live. I stood inside the main arcade on the pier and watched the ponies go round and round. It was one of the few places that stayed open all year. I smiled to myself and went and bought a ticket for the ride.
I walked around the perimeter for a time before making my decision. The operator of the machine was getting annoyed. I was the only paying customer. He told me to take a seat already. I wasn’t going to let him ruin my mood. He finally came into view and I climbed aboard. The white charger: where I was meant to be. I wondered briefly if this meant I was having doubt about being Joan? I smiled yet again as I realized that Xena wouldn’t think so. I was all girl in my mind and in my heart, but I wasn’t and never would be a girly girl.
I closed my eyes as the ride spun around. It seemed to be going faster and faster. I thought of all that had happened and all that was yet to come in those brief minutes while on the ride. It calmed me down in ways I can’t explain. Although I looked like some poor waif as I made my exit I did indeed feel like a princess. I’d only been on the boardwalk a little over an hour. I stood there contemplating my next actions. A walk on the beach, or a walk home to my husband. I decided that I felt well enough to make the journey home. A walk on the beach wouldn’t add anything to the experience at this point.
I stopped in and bought some flowers from Mrs. Marinelli. She smiled at me knowingly as I completed my purchase. I felt like hugging her for her kindness. I wasn’t even sure what kind of flowers I’d picked out. They were pretty and they smelled nice; that was enough.
I found myself singing aloud as I made the short walk home. I began wondering if Sam would even be there waiting for me? In the past I’d been the one waiting for him all the time. I smiled yet again as I realized that it wasn’t a contest. The Inn was one block west of where I was standing. I knew what I had to do before heading on home. With my flowers held protectively in my hands, I defiantly strolled in the direction of ‘Day’s End’
I was half a block away when the sign came into view. It was lit up brilliantly for all the world to see. It truly was magnificent. The artist had captured the mood of the sea perfectly. It looked like it belonged in an art gallery and not hanging outside in front of a building. Still, it fit in perfectly. I slowly embraced the beauty of it all. This building would be here for a long time and I was in a large part responsible for its beauty. I made it to the front door and hesitated before making my decision. Would Jared be in? Hell, it was early on a Friday night odds were he was out somewhere enjoying himself. Besides I had more of a right to be there than he did. I removed my key from my purse and let myself in.
There was a noise coming from the back from the bedroom behind the kitchen. Part of me wanted to run away in fear and yet, I felt compelled to keep moving forward. The door was open and the lights were on. There stood Aunt Melissa. The easel in front of her held a painting that was an exact duplicate of the one outside. She was totally absorbed in her work and never even noticed me. I couldn’t begin to fathom what was going on. I only knew that I wasn’t prepared to find out. I turned around and slowly, quietly made my exit. There’d be time enough tomorrow to put all the pieces of this puzzle together…
The earlier part of Darla’s life will be covered by her ex wife Linda in material she will release later.
Darla started writing “Me and Sam” as a kind of therapeutic means of coping when her life was falling apart and divulge her real life story with a dream. Darla was both Sam and Joan in her story: Sam being how she was in real life, and Joan — whom she really wished she had turned out as. And yet, in a convoluted way, Sam was also a woman from earlier in Darla’s life whom she seemed to love a lot from what I had seen.
Darla frequently passed out while writing, letting the cigarette she smoked fall on her clothing and burn them to pieces. She allowed her house to fall apart and had piles of trash all within it she crawled over. Imagine a nightmare dump with stench of waste and food. This was the house she lived in. The water pipes went bad, and because of the fear of the condition of her house, she refused to pay anyone to come and fix them. Shame, fear, and denial, which ruled her mind, allowed her to spiral down to this state.
I was aware of the fact part of her house was a mess within the seven phone conversations I had had with her (though I didn’t know the full extent that the house was an actual garbage dump and disaster until afterwards) and I was aware she had a death wish from the fact she was diabetic and still passing out, keeping her meds upstairs while she stayed downstairs. Even on the phone she tried to crawl up the stairs and I could hear it from the cell speakerphone. I had to threaten to call 911 if she didn’t get to the hypodermic shots she needed and back in a few minutes. It worked, but with her cussing me out with every imaginable word as she made it to her shots.
I loved her and knew she was in pain. I even invited a friend into our nightly messaging chats to get acquainted with her. I knew that the one I chose would be a good dominating force in her life, but in a good way, and maybe clean her up. But I was too late. Before I could pay for and get this person to go visit Darla, she died in that wreck. I didn't know it at the time, but she had run out of money. She had not held a paying job in a few years. She was barely eating in the end, she could not afford food. She didn't ask her brother for money this time, as she had in the past. We can only guess at the reason she didn't reach out for help from someone, but part of it was certainly her pride. Instead of asking for help, she took a job as a pizza delivery driver. With the medical condition she was in, this was not good
Now, pertaining to “Me and Sam,” I was influential in helping Darla focus on the plot in her drafts. We would banter and bicker about issues and she would reflect on this and change bits and pieces. Originally there was to be 4 books in all to tell this mix of dream and reality. The fourth book was cut entirely out when Darla’s financial situation started to deteriorate. The frustration was driving her to quit writing and try to work.
The ending of Book 4 was sliced into Book 3 to end the story sooner. The ending of the story was that because of emotional trauma (being transgendered and being a F to M being forced to birth when he did not want to) and exaggerated stereotypical male attitude, Sam left Joan in the story well after the birth of their son, much the same way the woman whom Darla loved drifted away in real life. Joan, the fantasy ideal version of Darla, was left as a responsible single mother to her son whom she had named Sam. Hence, the title of “Me and Sam” had a dual meaning to both the man Joan loved and her son. So at the end, she was with Sam, albeit her son. This is also the duality with which Darla herself lived with.
I did not wish to discuss the ending of this story sooner because I had had high hopes the rough scripts Darla wrote (She told me she had it penned down and was redoing them bit by bit with our nightly chats) would have turned up. Chapter 17 is the only chapter found on the hard drive. I know of four other chapters that were to involve the Inn, the pregnancy, Aunt Melissa, and Jared. Strangely enough, Joan’s mother was not mentioned towards the end — vanishing as the father had early on. A brief appearance at the end I had been suggesting might have been made, but was never finalized.
What I believe Darla was going to do, aside from the original ending, was to have Joan and Sam happily married with their son. This might have been what she had adjusted the story to be from what book 4 had been doing to split them apart. Only Darla knew what she had in mind for the real and posted ending. Sadly, none of us will never know just how the story was going to really end. Darla took that with her when she left. Her life meant a lot to me. I was trying to reach out and save her, and she knew it. But I was too late.
I believe also, that the Inn within the story, represented her cleaning her own house up from the trash pile it had become. It was fantasy though, as she never would or could.
Darla had a jovial charm in her voice. It lilted and rose up and down in the voice of Donald Sutherland. It had a kind of musical quality to it with a humor that was slightly twisted and frustrating at the same time. I miss her a lot.
On the night she died, at roughly the same reported time of death that was stated in the newspapers, I felt a presence push against me while I had lain down from being tired. The presence felt weird and slightly warm and snapped me awake from having dozed off. It was a pressure of someone on top of me and it felt like it pushed onto my face to a point on my mouth. Then the weight lifted and the presence just vanished, it wasn’t gradual. I did not understand at the time what it was. When I found out that she had died and saw the time of death, I KNEW it was her saying good bye to me.
This was inserted in addition to the chapter 17 of “Me and Sam: Happily Ever After?” with the permission of Darla’s ex-wife Linda. She will be adding extra material to this on BigCloset within her own blogging under Darla’s name. Please look there in the near future to hear things from her side of being in Darla’s life.
Loving you always Darla
Sephrena Lynn Miller
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