Sooners than Laters Part 1
I’m awake before the alarm clock goes off and it jars my dreams apart and I open my eyes and reality crashes in around me.
Today’s the day.
I literally can’t put this off anymore.
I roll out of bed and there’s the jiggle there, not really there, but definitely there.
Confused Yet?
Starter boobs.
Hey, there I’m Deidre.
Actually, legally I’m Derek but Derek just so happen to not have been downloaded into Deidre’s body. Heck Deidre wasn’t downloaded into the right body. I knew that when I started school and when there was the divide in pre-k.
That’s when they start enforcing the so called assignment of gender and all that BS.
I get up and I head into the bathroom. I have one of my own since I was like 12 and my mom stopped wanting the bathroom getting guy dirtied.
Yeah… well turns out that was never me but it was dad.
I look at myself in the mirror and tear up.
It’s hard, just hard and I’m not doing it anymore and I look at my frame, me…six foot tall and every bit of it not Deidre. I’m in guy mode with these little starter boobs and it’s on my size twenty frame and there’s muscle and ridges and hair that I never wanted.
I pick up the razor.
Then I hear my door open and Quinn is there.
With coffee.
“Morning beautiful.” She says as she kisses me.
I have more tears. “I’m not beautiful Quinn.”
“You are Dee, you’re amazing.”
“I don’t feel amazing.”
She set’s the coffee’s down on the counter and she reaches up and she kisses me. “You don’t let yourself feel at all Dee.”
See Quinn’s my girlfriend….
She’s my best friend and we met in the third grade and she was the girl with the boy’s name. Or that was the flak that they gave her then and honestly for like years. But to me she was the girl that would play with me. Quinn was the girl that I told stuff I never ever told anyone else to and that included who I really was.
We went from friends to dating in grade seven when I came out to her when puberty was starting and I felt so dysphoric I wanted to die.
And I thought about it…I didn’t get close, I mean I’m not wired that way but. It was there, and at that age.
She held me when I came out and when I was sort of done crying she kissed me.
It was our, both of ours first kiss and she looked at me completely serious and said. “I rub off.”
“Rub off?” I was twelve okay, I didn’t get it.
“Masturbate, you know like jerking off…only…only I don’t, I don’t just like boys. Girls get me horny too.”
“Oh….” Yep twelve, I was swift wasn’t I?
She kissed me again, harder and even though I had nothing she cupped my boobs until I got it through my head that she meant me. She liked girls too and she meant me. That’s when we started becoming a couple.
………………. Quinn’s kissing has gotten better over the years. And honestly her being herself has helped her so much.
My turn I guess.
I man she’s helped me too and kept me sane really too but I’m getting to where I can’t take it anymore all over again too.
It’s the end of ninth grade start of the summer and it’s the start of what should be…well should be the start of everything.
I take a big breath and get out of everything and hop into the shower and Quinn whistles in a low way that has me blushing. I look at her and she’s smile sipping her coffee. No judging, just…she actually likes me.
Showers are hard for me sometimes, naked is hard sometimes. And I will admit to sometimes because I can look now at these little changes that I’ve started with and there are days that I feel okay, even hopeful.
Then there’s those bad dysphoria days and those really suck.
And then there’s today and I’m full of nerves and that sucks too.
Today I’m coming out to my dad.
It’s just me and him too my mom died awhile back from lung cancer and she left us and it was even more than awkward for me after that because who could I talk to after that?
Dad?
Well, I didn’t hold out a lot of hope from that since he’s a preacher.
And here in Oklahoma in the Midwest it’s pretty much godly country.
And honestly I don’t have a lot of problems with god, I think that I have problems with the people that talk to god and that think that they know what they’re talking about. More than that part I really detest the double standards that I see all the time from people.
Even in our church too, there are those who Soooo don’t get the casting of first stones thing or judge not.
I hate fake people; I hate fake people that say they’re one thing and are really not even close to it or trying to be that.
“Ow…ow…son of a clown!”
No I don’t like clowns.
“You okay?”
“No I’m hemmoraging1”
Quinn sticks her face in the shower. “Piffle that’s nothing just a shave cut.”
“Who invented this frikkin flat handled razor thingy?”
She grins and shrugs. “It’s a ladies razor so like some dood.”
Yeah I’m okay with Quinn seeing me in the shower. We’re dating and we’re best friends too.
She’s been around that long that she has stayed overnight since we were little and yeah since we’re dating we’ve not been in the same bedroom at nights.
Dad thinks that daylight hours is somehow like sex prohibitive or something?
Teen-sex-equals-vampirism?
I shave and it’s a pain really sort of and I am glad that I don’t have to do some places because of the internet hormones I’ve been taking and stuff plus Quinn helping me wax in places that I can’t reach on my way too big make me frown waaaay too much frame.
Seriously there’s nothing to set you off in a dys-moment like having a hairy back.
Just eeew.
I get out and dry off being careful around some of the tender bits and then it’s out and getting dressed and doing my hair.
I’m wearing panties and they’re cotton and they’re practical and I’m wearing a simple bra too. It’s not like I’m out enough that I can afford much. I like my bra actually it’s easy for me to put on and it’s a light sort of tope meets pink color that actually is sort of pretty and Quinn got me both at Target.
My hair is pretty easy I have a sort of messy guys style that my dad has never enjoyed on me since he’s an army chaplain and all of that and to me I sort of want more hair but right now it’s right in that kind of semi-spiked office semi hip thing that you see a lot of in the downtown a lot.
Then it’s getting dressed and that’s… I’m not going to out myself to my dad in a dress. I mean some people could do that kind of thing but I am not one of those people.
A scoop necked shirt from The Gap and my new hoody that is purple and kind of seriously nice in my opinion and I have a pair of capris pants to go with it and sandals.
Then some make-up…just a little liquid concealer. And even it out and some powder and then a real little eye liner and shadow but no mascara because I’m actually not all that confident with it and I put on some lip gloss and take a step back.
Deidre.
I’m standing in front of myself in my own house for the first time ever.
I look okay too but at the same time there’s still.
All six feet of me and all a hundred and seventy three pounds and I’ve actually lost a little weight.
And those danged shoulders and my whole middle too…I mean I’m a lot different from Derek and I do feel a lot better too but it’s still.
Painful.
I mean there’s all these other girls that are my age that are transitioning and have been transitioning that totally pass and not just pass but they’re pretty too.
Quinn comes in and she wraps her arms around me and she’s all dressed and stuff and she looks great as usual. I mean she’s a cheerleader…and some stereotypes go without saying.
Actually Quinn busts some of those herself with her being really curvy and she has a butt and she has like boobs for miles and she never let the skinny girls like rule all that thigh gap bullshit over her.
Or the whole race thing too, and you wouldn’t think it’d be a big deal and stuff these days but it still is and a lot of school is still white and Cis in charge and being the in-crowd.
I love her hair too, she’s always had great hair and yeah she’s done all sorts of stuff to it with like relaxing it and straightening it and stuff and right now she has what I call ribbon curls…that whole old school pin up curls with like all of the sexiness and stuff.
Actually she reminds me of another black girl I follow on Tumblr called Kat Blaque who has the same hair so much of the time and they look a lot alike, except Quinn doesn’t have glasses.
But she’s like totally wonderful and supportive and she’s being supportive now as we get ready and we head downstairs and I have my heart in my throat as I’m very literally coming out.
I can smell the coffee maker going with a fresh pot and there’s the sizzle of bacon and dad’s sort of cooking and reading the paper.
And he’s jotting notes as usual for the sermon for this Sunday.
He looks up and instead of the usual greeting he just looks at me and he’s staring.
“H…hi…M..morning Dad.”
“What in the heck is going on?”
I sort of stop and I freeze up.
“I…”
“Why are you dressed in women’s clothes?”
“I…They’re…they my clothes.”
“No…these are not you clothes and this isn’t funny.”
(Sniffle.) “No…no it’s not funny dad and these are mine.”
He sets the paper down. “I don’t understand?”
“Dad…Dad…I’m trans.”
“You’re what?”
“I’m transgendered….”
“Like a crossdresser.”
Quinn speaks up. “No sir, that’s a transvestite Dee’s not a transvestite she’s a girl.”
“Who’s Dee?”
I gesture at myself. “I am, it’s short for Deidre.”
“We named you Derek.”
“You thought I was a boy.”
“You are a boy; you were born with some pretty good indicators of that.”
I touch myself over my chest and my heart. “Yeah but that, that doesn’t mean a thing dad when I’ve always been a girl inside of myself.”
“I think your mother and I might have noticed?”
“I was hiding…you’re in the church and I’m…I’m so damned big and just…I felt way too scared and way too ugly to ever tell you guys.”
He’s looking at me. “I don’t understand…I don’t get this and I don’t understand it…it just seems…”
I just stare at him and I’m trying not to bawl and I’m trying not to pee myself either and he sets the paper down and he gets up and he flips the bacon and stuff and adds hash browns and eggs after a bit and Quinn has taken me by the hand and she led me to the kitchen table and then gets me a coffee and herself another one.
Dad looks over at her as he’s cooking. “So you two are best friends?”
She nods. “Yes sir.”
“So…not dating?”
“Actually still dating sir, I’m bisexual.”
He’s looking at her and he’s looking at me and he does that reach up and pinch the bridge of his nose headache thing. “How….No…no I don’t want to know…you too still haven’t done anything here right…I mean anything at all?”
Quinn gives him her tough girl look and sips her coffee in the whole internet ‘sip-tea’ way and says. “You house, your roof, your rules sir.”
I see dad instantly get that and then he looks like he’s going to say something and then he’s doing that chewing on nothing working his jaw thing and he shakes his head.
“You two are not doing any of this stuff by halves are you?”
I look at him a little surprised.
He looks at me. “Oh…oh no that’s not me ruling on anything about this whole thing.”
Quinn looks at him. “Dee told you, she came out to you because there is no other choice.”
He looks at her frowning.
She looks right back all stunning and defiant and powerful with like just how she’s like doing this and doing it for me.
“She literally can’t do this anymore Dave, she can’t. I know Dee better than myself and I’ve known her since I was like twelve.”
He looks at me.
He stares at me.
“You have breasts.”
I nod and have the urge to cover up.
“Not just a stuffed bra?”
I shake my head no.
“How?”
I say. “Hormones sir…from online.”
He works his jaw and he finishes the food and he dishes it all out to us and I’m so not hungry my nerves are at that point where I think that the smell is making me sick.
He takes his food and the paper and his notes. “I’ll be in my office, I’d really appreciate it if you don’t leave the house like this right now until I have some time and get a chance to run this through my head and to pray on it for a while.”
I swallow hard.
I look at him and I nod.
He looks at me.
Drinks his coffee. “Don’t get changed though…I’ll be in and out all day and I want this…the way you look to still be here like this…until I work it all through my head.”
“Y..yes sir.”
Did dad just say it was alright to stay dressed?”
I’m actually kind of confused.
And I’m still confused and scared and sort of left hanging as I watch him go to his office and he closes the door.
Quinn comes over to me and she slips onto my lap and she pulls me close. “Well that could have gone worse.”
She’s right, she’s right and I know that she’s right and yet I’m still losing it because of my nerves and starting to hang onto her and cry anyways.
Sooners than Laters Part 2
*Before…
He takes his food and the paper and his notes. “I’ll be in my office, I’d really appreciate it if you don’t leave the house like this right now until I have some time and get a chance to run this through my head and to pray on it for a while.”
I swallow hard.
I look at him and I nod.
He looks at me.
Drinks his coffee. “Don’t get changed though…I’ll be in and out all day and I want this…the way you look to still be here like this…until I work it all through my head.”
“Y..yes sir.”
Did dad just say it was alright to stay dressed?”
I’m actually kind of confused.
And I’m still confused and scared and sort of left hanging as I watch him go to his office and he closes the door.
Quinn comes over to me and she slips onto my lap and she pulls me close. “Well that could have gone worse.”
She’s right, she’s right and I know that she’s right and yet I’m still losing it because of my nerves and starting to hang onto her and cry anyways.
*And Now…
It takes me a little bit to finally pull myself together and then I’m sort of stuck with this whole bit of Now What?
Seriously there was such a huge build up with things and there’s this whole freak out and fight that I sort of kind of had scripted in my head Dad’s sort of hard but soft reaction’s kind of threw me.
Threw me a lot actually.
So I’m sort of just sitting here and looking at Quinn who’s looking at me and I’m trying to get things like through my head and everything.
She looks at me. “Well that went better than it could have.”
“I know and that’s sort of scary too. I mean what is he really going to do or like say I mean it’s not like I wanted this. Not a little bit but it’s who I am and if I don’t do something then I will like eventually have to do something.”
Quinn nods.
No not suicide her and I have had a lot of long talks about that really and it’s really not an option for me. I could never hurt him or her like that.
But honestly the thoughts of moving out and taking off and having like no support is really, really something that I don’t want either but it’s been one of those things that has been in the forefront of my mind.
Right down to me having a few emergency bags sort of stashed at her house.
And that’s hoping that things didn’t go south enough to have this spread in a bad way to Quinn’s house.
And that’s another whole kettle of fish really, since Quinn’s not out yet with her family either. We’re hoping that that’s actually going to be okay with her having an Aunt that’s a Lesbian and thet they still are okay with and a cousin that is gay.
So they might take her coming out better.
But then…then there’s the fact that being gay or a lesbian is way more accepted than being trans or bi or pan it’s like people really just have blinders on with stuff like that and that’s even a really shitty thing in the LGBTQAI+++ community.
I take a breath and sigh and drink some more coffee as if I need more for my nerves with all of this stuff going on and I can’t like leave the house dressed like this or I won’t since Dad asked reasonably so far and I look at Quinn.
“So you want to bake something?”
She grins. “So who’s Elsa and who’s Anna out of us.”
“Oh…oh you’re so Anna you’re like way more outgoing and stuff than I am.”
She grins and it’s beautiful.
Also screw all those people that think that just because Quinn’s black that she couldn’t like be doing cosplay or be into white characters.
Kinda of weirdly inspired I go and get my laptop and bring it down to the kitchen and I put on some Disney stuff that’s like all animated singing and stuff.
Disney’s like all sorts of like problematic and stuff sometime like Pochohantas is really a bad movie and it’s like super horrible in a lot of ways and then you have these totally awesome little gems like Lilo and Stitch where there’s so much coolness from like the way that Lilo and her sister are whitened up or like how they don’t have the perfect bodies and how there’s this whole thing on family there and not just family but dealing with grief and stuff too.
And I like the Little Mermaid even though if I was Ariel the firth thing that I would be freaking out about wouldn’t be my legs it’d be the fact that I had a vagoo.
And honestly, honestly I really kind of sort of loved Ursula too.
I have this odd little list of my favorite Disney characters and even Pixar ones too and I’m still a much, much younger girl at heart than Derek ever was pretending to be.
Oddly with my inner snark and oddness I identify really strongly with Megara from Hercules.
She grins. “You’ve never baked here have you?”
I blush. “Nope, it’s just something that Derek didn’t do, Derek wanted to watch The A-Team and read comics because comics are still like Manly… (I do the fake chest puff and deepen my voice but it a comical way.) and go to college and play basketball as a Sooner.”
Quinn looks at me. “Comic’s rock and they’re getting better all the time and like gaming there’s more Non-guys into them than anyone thinks, and two as far as I know Dee you still want to be a Sooner.”
I blush and smile. “Yeah I do but I want to be like on the right Sooners team.”
Actually that’s so true.
I might be a girl but I’m a big girl and there are times when it absolutely whacks me like a dysphoria freight train and stuff and then I see some of the women playing college ball and some of the women in the WNBA and I feel not like small but it sure as heck makes me feel a whole lot close to like normal.
And they honestly are awesome and big and they’re beautiful women.
And kind of like heroines in that whole sports idol sort of way for sure and stuff.
Dad so doesn’t know that I have a whole stashed collection of WNDA fan stuff I don’t think.
Luckily in a whole lot of ways there’s this point of puberty that Dad’s stop coming into their kids rooms.
And my dad’s no exception.
I go to the cupboards and I look around in them and there’s a couple that I look it specifically and that’s the ones where mom used to have all of the baking stuff and Dad’s never really used much of any of that except to like make biscuits and waffles and a few things.
Most of our baking has come from parishioners and the like and bake sales.
I look around and there’s stuff that I see that we really should use up that has been here since she passed away and I do go through it and sniff things and some of them are rancid like the peanuts and the walnuts and there’s a bag of dates that went white sugared and I toss those too but we have stuff here.
Coconut and currants and then there’s cans of icing that aren’t opened and chocolate chips that are still looking okay and they’re unopened and then there’s like three bags of raisins.
And here’s still all of the usual suspects for like baking and all of that too.
And if I’m baking I might as well cook too.
I look through the freezer as Quinn’s making pie crust dough and a bunch of it and I find a few other gems in the deepfreeze that should be like used too. Frozen strawberries and freezer jam, then there’s all this trout that dad and I caught last trip and their all cleaned and stuff.
And the BBQ’s out back and we have a good fence.
I get that going and with the coals and all and take the fishes and tin foil and I add lots of salt and butter into the foil and then lemon pepper and then add some shakes of hot sauce and we have a bottle of capers that we like never use so those go in too and I really wrap up the trout and they go on the BBQ to cook and thaw and hopefully get all roasty and stuff.
I go back into the kitchen and we actually get to like backing and I make a cake with lots and lots and lots of cocoa powder into it and I add it some cherry fruit in the bottom yogurt for part of the moisture and that helps things along and some melted butter not oil and one egg yolk but three whites because of the yogurt you really don’t want the cake to be like too heavy. The rest is pretty standard except for the chocolate chips and those I dusted with flour and then tossed into the freezer.
Because both the cold chocolate and the flour will grip the batter for different reasons and it will keep all of the chips from actually sinking.
How do I know this? I don’t take home ec. Even though I want to not instead I watch Alton Brown on Good Eats on You Tube.
That goes in the oven and I next make a brown sugar and butter sauce and that’s exactly sort of what it is… It’s water and brown sugar like you’d do if you’d make a caramel sauce and once it gets a good melt on you add in good vanilla and then some salt and then a Paula Dean amount of butter and then you melt it all together and stir it until all the sugar is dissolved and then you add a little cornstarch and water slurry so it’ll thicken and some cream.
And for the love of god keep stirring it because it’ll burn in seconds if you don’t and once it get to where it thickly coats the back of the spoon like house paint then it’s done.
I take it off of the heat and I add in a whole bag of raisins and a little shot of rum extract and stir and then let it settle and thicken but also have the raisins soak it all up and get plumped back up.
Yep I’m making Butter tarts.
If I had pecans surely I’d be making a pecan pie and Oklahoma’s not really too southern but it’s still a thing here.
I’d love to make one actually it’s one of those things that is a sort of a hallmark baking thing and honestly even baking is a thing here too. I mean there’s going to be a whole lot of people that will say that it’s not these days but that really all depends on how you grew up and everything.
Like in Quinn’s family all of the girls in her family cook even a little bit but they’re all expected to make pie. And honestly Quinn’s mom makes some of the best pies I’ve ever had and with the lemon meringue all like huge and tall and fluffy like a huge cloud.
But there’s this sort of south and a definitely west thing about girls and baking that still sort of holds true like no matter how modern we get.
Besides my Mom was an amazing cook and baker.
So was grandma according to Dad.
And I want to be one of the women in my family; I want to share something like that with them.
We make the butter tarts and then we make a coconut cream custard with the coconut that we have there and buzzing it up in the kitchen ninja until it’s really fine helped bring out those flavors and all and Quinn makes her mom’s meringue and I make a strawberry pie with the frozen strawberries now all thawed out and me adding some freezer jam to them and two packs of strawberry jello into it too.
The place is smelling good and I slip outside to turn the fish in the foil and then the cake’s out and cooling and there’s not much else to do than hang with Quinn in the kitchen as we wait to put stuff in and take it out and have our chairs snuggle close and kissing close as we’re watching Critters online and giggling at just how bad eighties super cheesy horror was back then.
And kissing.
And touching.
Yay very yay touching and it’s me that’s getting yay touched and Quinn’s kind of forward.
“Quinn…my dad might come out of his office and catch us.”
She’s kissing me and talking through the kisses. “I know it’s just like the way that it’s supposed to be with my hot girlfriend afraid that her daddy’s going to catch her doing naughty stuff.”
Blush…and bite against the little moan that wanted to come out as she’s firmly got one hand on second base.
“He’ll freak out…” Gasp…oh hell…just… “This is so not the time.”
Quinn gives me this nose rub thing. “Well it kind of is I mean if he’s going to freak out then he’s likely going to freak out regardless and if that happens and he decides he’s going to do something wouldn’t it be a lot better story if I had my hands where they shouldn’t be.”
“You’re horrible.”
Quinn grins. “Just a little but with the super cute preacher’s daughter I can’t help but to like get a little frisky I mean really there’s like a whole tradition and everything.”
“Tradition?”
Quinn taps fast on my laptop and she brings up some movie and I’m not clueing in until I hear Footloose start to play.
I’m laughing and we kiss some more and I get up and grab the icing knife and the spin-plate for the cake and I’m icing the sides of the cake when Dad comes out of his office.
He looks like he’s cried? I don’t know it’s just a feeling… he looks like he’s been staring at a screen for way too long with that screen eyes stare thing that you get when you have been reading online or on a screen for a long time.
He’s looking at me, he’s staring at me and it’s just… well it’s unnerving me some and he looks at Quinn and he says. “You didn’t cook all of this did you?”
She shakes her head. “Nope, I’m way too lazy for that Dee did most of this.”
He says… “Dee…”
She says… “Deidre.”
And dad nods slowly and then he takes a big inhale through his nose. And then he goes and he uses the bathroom and I’m very nervously finishing the icing on the cake and everything and then he comes out and he looks outside at the grill and goes out to check it in his sock feet and all and of course being a guy messes with the coals and plays with the fire as Quinn and I are exchanging looks and shrugs.
Then he comes back inside and fills his big coffee mug with coffee again and kills the pot and he makes another because he drank the last cup and that’s the house rules here.
And then he gets a small plate and he gets some of the finished and still pretty warm butter tarts and he heads back into the office.
But it’s Dad and he has his manners and stuff and he says. “Thanks girls.” And then he heads back into the office.
Girls…as in plural.
Which after he left became a chocolate icing kind of happy dance.
It actually got sort of better than that too as the day went on and all of the baking was done and Quinn and I just sort of cleaned a little it was sort of a lemon cleanser spill over after getting the kitchen cleaned up and then we moved to the couch and we watched TV for a while and just hung out and did that thing where you kind of laze on each other because actual contact is really super yay even if it’s like the non-make-out kind.
And that whole even better part was me still getting to be me.
I mean right now it’s like only in the house and stuff and trust me I’m actually good with that with how I look and everything and my confidence levels and stuff.
But it’s Deidre in the mirror in the bathroom, it’s my panties openly being worn on the floor between my legs as I have a pee in the right way it’s me just being me and watching what I want to and giggling when I want to and being openly sniffly when I want to and it’s a really big thing.
A huge and a happy thing.
But it’s still exactly what it is and that’s my coming out day and it’s still Dad in his office for hours and hours and there’s still so much stuff up in the air and everything and it’s so much like being in serious trouble at school and then like not knowing what’s going to happen.
And…
And Dad comes out and gets his coat and slips his feet into his deck shoes and he looks at us. “Quinn call you parents and ask them over for supper, I’ll be back by four.”
And then he leaves.
And Quinn looks at me and she has this of shit look on her face too because she’s still in the closet and she just sits there and holds her phone and I’m looking at her.
“Quinn… I’m sorry you don’t have to…”
She shakes her head no. “No, no I do, I do have too I need to do this too. I’m sick to death of not being me too y’know.”
She gets up and she grabs the tongs for the BBQ and she takes her phone and she heads outside.
I’m all nerves now and I’m watching her and I’m crying too.
Yeah I’m crying because my nerves have like built right up and they’ve hit that overload point and I’m not Derek, I’m not and I can’t be me, be dressed as me and hold back all the toxic bullshit stuff inside me.
I want to eavesdrop but I don’t and she’s very much busying herself while she’s talking on her phone by turning the trout again and checking it all and everything and then finally I see her end the call and she comes inside wiping at her eyes and she’s smiling.
“Are you okay?”
Quinn nods. “Yeah well except for the whole thing we’re going to have to go through with explaining us to them and your dad well they sort of already knew.”
“Already knew?”
“Yeah well apparently mom told dad and she knew because my Barbie dolls had been living in a lesbian relationship since I set up my playhouse for the last time.”
“Huh?” Yeah I’m not getting it unless she was really into it when she was younger too.
Quinn blushes. “I had apparently left them in bed together facing each other and they were in the holding and kissing pose.”
“Whoops?”
Quinn shrugs. “Hell it could have been a subconscious thing or something who knows the last time I even looked at the set was when my cousin lacy was over and stuff I just sort of kind of remember putting it all away and leaving it. But… it was right around the same time I did like come out with you.”
“Oh…so they’re good with it?”
“Kinda…I don’t know they seem to get it and not get it with like me not going one particular way in the way that they’d get.”
“Oh so this still might break their brain.”
She nods and she looks thoughtful. “But maybe I can get them to like get me a good binder or something.”
I look at her. “Really?”
She nods. “There’s days that I would kind of like to be able to like tame Yavin and Endor.”
I crack up at that because she has always called her big boobs the twin death stars.
She grins and she comes over and she tip toes and kisses me.
I kiss her back and sigh.
“I’m scared Quinn.”
“I know you are babe.”
I blush.
“You are very babely.”
“I…I don’t feel it sometimes.”
“Well you haven’t had a chance to Dee, but you will.”
“I’m almost scared of that.”
Dad says. “Good, at least you’re going about this with your eyes open.”
I just and Eeep and look at him and he’s got several grocery bags with him and there’s a whole lot of corn cobs sticking out from two of them.
I look at him.
He looks at me. “We’ve got company coming over and a big talk to be had for that too so we best get to shucking this corn.”
He heads into the kitchen and takes ice cream he bought and puts it in the freezer of the fridge and then he puts a couple of six packs in the fridge. Then he takes the bags of corn and heads outside and does the head motion for me to follow and I do and Quinn comes with us and Dad gets some of the chairs we have for the back deck and then drags the composter over so we can just like put the silks and the leaves into the composter and we start to shuck corn and it’s quiet for a bit and then Dad coughs and starts.
“So have you kids heard of Leelah Alcorn?”
Sooners than Laters Part 3
*Before…
He looks at me. “We’ve got company coming over and a big talk to be had for that too so we best get to shucking this corn.”
He heads into the kitchen and takes ice cream he bought and puts it in the freezer of the fridge and then he puts a couple of six packs in the fridge. Then he takes the bags of corn and heads outside and does the head motion for me to follow and I do and Quinn comes with us and Dad gets some of the chairs we have for the back deck and then drags the composter over so we can just like put the silks and the leaves into the composter and we start to shuck corn and it’s quiet for a bit and then Dad coughs and starts.
“So have you kids heard of Leelah Alcorn?”
*And Now…
I can’t help the catch in my breath.
Dad looks at me. I nod and there’s a tears then two.
“You knew her?”
Oh thank you dad, thank you for not misgendering her.
(Sniffle.) “No, just online stuff after the fact.”
“But you’re upset by her death?”
“Yeah…It’s right there dad…If I’m not choking down those feelings trying to swallow me up then it’s someone else dying, or trying to It’s people I know so well because…”
He looks at me and it‘s all intense but there‘s that dad‘s serious listening face there too. “Because?”
“Because if not for the grace of god there go I…”
He looks at me. “You’ve had these thoughts?”
“Yeah…I’m not proud of it or wanted that kind of darkness dad but yeah.”
“But you didn’t?”
“Because I love you Dad, I love Quinn who’s helped me really just hold it all together.”
“How long?”
“Years, lots of years actually dad…right up to when I started to get that boys and girls were different, and then I realized that I was really, really different.”
He looks at me. “I’m still learning Deidre, there’s a lot that I don’t get about all of this but I’m reading a lot up on it and I want to not just go off with what a lot of other people are doing in our community.”
He means the church by that mostly.
But he also called me by my name which is huge and if I wasn’t so freaked out I’d be happy dancing all over the place but given how he’s still giving me that kind of Dad look all I can really do right now is to smile a bit and blush pretty hard.
He looks at me as he pick up a scrub brush and starts to scrub the corn cobs lightly. See if you do that the silks will all come off and get into the brush and not stay stuck to the corn cob and it might be a little fussy but it’s actually a holdover from mom who would never serve a corn cob to someone that had silks on it.
“Thanks Daddy that means a lot.” Okay he’s really looking at me because I called him daddy and that might have just freaked him out more than just a little bit.
“Dad…sorry.”
“No…that’s actually alright, we’re still learning this and I have to learn things like that to go with it. It’s just odd; it’s been a long time since you called me that.”
I nod and wipe a little at my eyes. “Likely from just about when I started knowing that I was really different and all the other stuff came crashing down.”
Dad looks at me. “Came crashing down?”
I sigh. “There’s nothing like knowing that you’re not-right to make you see things different and hurt enough to grow up like way too fast.”
He looks at me. “God honey when you’re saying this stuff it kind of puts some of the things that I worried and your mother worried about with you into perspective.”
I look at him it does? “It does?”
Dad nods. “How could it not, I can see differences in you Der… Deidre, you just seem different and it’s partly seeing the difference in the house and things though honey you might have been trying too hard.”
I nod and I blush. “It’s part that and its part just being allowed to be me and actually do the stereotypical girly stuff with something like impunity?”
Dad chuckles at that. “Impunity huh?”
I look at him and I’m being sort of serious even though I’m smiling. “Yeah, kind of. Dad it’s like me finally getting to be me even if it’s just here and all it’s not being me and out but it’s more me than I’ve ever been allowed to have and it was all kind of too cool and it was so much it was all bubbling out.”
He finishes the corn or we finish the corn and he’s gathering all of the leaves and things for the composter. He’s not looking at me as he’s doing it but he does say. “Look I know it wasn’t exactly right for me to ask you to stay in the house, but I need some time to process this and I need to do this so that you’ll be safe…Der…Deidre. The first thing I found on Google was just how many of you kids are dying.”
I (Sniffle-nod.) “Honestly dad that’s not a big deal right now. I’m scared too, this is my life and the trans community is like my community I know how dangerous this is and I know how things might go and turn on me for just being me.”
He takes the stuff to the composter and then drags over our picnic table so it’s closer to the grill to work with and everything. “I’m scared for you, scared for both of you.”
Quinn smiles and she comes over and she hugs me. “We know you are, but we can’t just hide forever.” She says to him. “I’m choking on my closet and Dee’s drowning in here old self every day, we really just need this.”
He nods. “Okay…we’ll try, we have to try but can we do this one step at a time?”
I smile. “Daddy, one step at a time in more forward momentum than I’ve ever had in my life. We can do this slowly.”
We head inside to get some other things and I look for a few other odds and ends like a table cloth that mom would have used for the picnic table and some other things like plates and cups and Quinn’s out in the garage getting the good lawn chairs those canvas fishing chairs with the cup holders and things and we’re just getting things looking nice actually when I hear a familiar car engine pulling in and it’s Quinn’s folks getting here.
I look at her and she looks at me and she looks just as scared as I am.
Seriously coming out and not being straight is just as hard as coming out as trans. It’s Oklahoma and it’s a really big deal.
Being straight’s a big deal.
Sooners than Later’s Part 4
*Before…
We head inside to get some other things and I look for a few other odds and ends like a table cloth that mom would have used for the picnic table and some other things like plates and cups and Quinn’s out in the garage getting the good lawn chairs those canvas fishing chairs with the cup holders and things and we’re just getting things looking nice actually when I hear a familiar car engine pulling in and it’s Quinn’s folks getting here.
I look at her and she looks at me and she looks just as scared as I am.
Seriously coming out and not being straight is just as hard as coming out as trans. It’s Oklahoma and it’s a really big deal.
Being straight’s a big deal.
*And Now…
We let Marcus and Millie in and I have to call her Millie because she told me too and she is one of those ladies that backs up her demands with a wooden spoon and bribes you the rest of the time with lovely foods that she makes.
Honestly she makes the very best ginger and molasses cookies on the planet and I will take them anytime over some crap from StarSmucks.
I am so contemptuous of their baked goods.
But that’s more about me and as much as I really do like to sort of talk about me since the real me is like still washing off from being buried all of her life and stuff Quinn’s parents are now here and I’m opening the door and I’m in sort of pre-yelled at hunch and Dad’s watching me and Quinn’s right there beside me and she’s playing with her hands nervously and Millie stops and she looks at me and she takes out a tissue.
“Wipe that out dear that color is washing out your face and stop hunching, young ladies don’t hunch.”
My brain locks up so fast that I swear I actually hear the sound effect of tires squealing on pavement.
I’m still in shock when she tells Quinn. “Quinn how many times have I told you to stop cracking your fingers, you’re going to get arthritis in them.”
Millie turns and looks at the both of us and then at Quinn again. “So…? Are you going to introduce me to your girlfriend finally or not?”
I’m like…I just haven’t had my brain catch up to the not freaking out.
Marcus comes in past me and he kisses my cheek. “I don’t get it but I can go with it because I know the person under all the gender stuff and they’re still a damned fine kid.”
I’m tearing up…gender tossing rightness, proper pronouns too when you’re like at least trying to be not a douche.
Quinn’s like suddenly blurting out. “I...How, how’d you know!?” she’s actually looking at my dad who shakes his head no.
“I would never out any child in my congregation Quinn not even to family.”
Millie looks at her. “Girl, we know trans folks and seeing you and your girlfriend and her starting to change more and more and cover up to hide her growing bits just sort of fit with all of the other things.”
“Other things?”
Marcus chuckled. “You had just as many crushes on girls Quinn as your younger cousins did.”
She blushing now and she takes my hand and she laces her fingers in mine and she smiles at me and it’s such like a sweet smile and then she looks back at her folks. “Mom, Dad this is my girlfriend Deidre.”
I’m blushing now and Millie comes over and hugs me and Dad is kind of doing this sort of sort of smile sort of not and he and Marcus go outside after Quinn’s dad gives her a peck on her cheek too.
I’m still not sure just how good he is with this or with me or how he’s processing this and then there’s this effed up voice in the back of my head asking the question of what if he’s only being okay because other people are here…even if that’s just Quinn…or was just her.
Quinn’s hugging her mom really tightly and Millie pulls me in too. “It’s finally good to meet you Deidre I’ve been watching you try and grow up and out for a long while now.”
Yup that’s all it takes is just a few kind words like that before I’m crying and that has Quinn crying and Millie walks us both over to the sofa and she sits with one of us on either side of her and she does the mom thing for both of us.
Acceptance is hard to take and face sometimes especially when you’re braced for like worse.
People being okay with you is hard when it’s a daily struggle to be you.
Being real when you’ve never been is really hard.
I’m not sure how long I was crying and then just sitting there with my head on Millie’s shoulder before she pinches Quinn and I.
“Ow!...son of a clown.”
Millie looks amused. “Well the food’s almost done Deidre and you do sort of have that clown look so maybe you two might want to head to the bathroom and fix that.”
Blink, Blink… (Sniffle-nod.) “Yes, thank you.”
Quinn’s nodding too and we head upstairs and go through a round on hugging and then some kissing and holding each other.
I let this huge sigh out as she hugs me.
“You’re so my Amethyst.”
“Stevonnie.” She says and she smiles into my chest and I can so feel that better and in such different ways now especially when I’m not wearing layers.
We both sniffle at the same time and that and the weird head cannon thing makes us laugh together and that’s really a good thing.
When you are with someone and they say and do little things and you get them and they get you and they laugh…and when you laugh.
We kiss again after th laughs and it’s long and it’s deep and we’re doing some touching too before we make ourselves part ways and we wash our faces and then re-do our make-up and Dad knows now. So I don’t go all out but I do put on what I would want to just usually wear around in the day.
Then we head down for supper and that’s actually really good.
I’m actually kind of proud of myself and of all the things that Quinn and I did and we’re getting complemented on the food and then the desserts and I actually get up and make coffee.
And it is such a thing.
Seriously I never even dreamed it’d be a thing but like every supper I have ever had when I was little and mom was still around it was Mom cleaning the dishes and then she would go and she would make coffee while dessert was going on and some of the people would like slip outside and smoke.
And I’m doing that now.
It is such a Deja-vu meets me following her.
And there for a few seconds I’m not me, I’m not the age I am I’m the little girl that’s always been buried away inside and I’m in one of my mother’s dresses and It’s just hanging on me like it would if I was like five and I’m in her shoes and they’re miles too big for me and it’s just the strangest sort of thing but it’s a good thing.
I’m actually doing something that my mother had done and likely her mother had done or dad’s mother had done but I’m doing it too. And I know it’s weird to even think that it’s such a like good thing because of the whole girls in the kitchen thing and all of that and I actually believe in being feminist and that those old stereotypes suck.
But they don’t so much right at this moment to me.
It’s because ten years ago if I was born the way I should have been I’d be very likely in Mom’s dress and shoes and being a pain while I was trying to be like her and help her.
It’s this odd moment of actual connection between me and my mother as her daughter and I’m kind of relishing it.
Sooners than Later’s Part 5
*Before…
I’m actually doing something that my mother had done and likely her mother had done or dad’s mother had done but I’m doing it too. And I know it’s weird to even think that it’s such a like good thing because of the whole girls in the kitchen thing and all of that and I actually believe in being feminist and that those old stereotypes suck.
But they don’t so much right at this moment to me.
It’s because ten years ago if I was born the way I should have been I’d be very likely in Mom’s dress and shoes and being a pain while I was trying to be like her and help her.
It’s this odd moment of actual connection between me and my mother as her daughter and I’m kind of relishing it.
*And Now…
Supper went along rather nicely actually with the nice exceptions of me blushing every time that Millie compliments me or that Marcus does or dad does and it’s honestly like my brain is still in old me mode, fake me mode and I’m still getting caught up when I’m complimented or properly gendered.
Then it’s time to clean up and making coffee and tea and taking out the dessert and dad actually does this old trick of having BBQ wood chips that he puts on the grill while we’re doing that and it helps replace the cooked fish smells with the scent of hickory and apple wood smoke and it helps keep the bugs in the yard at bay.
It sounds typically girlie in like this bad way but I’ve never been a fan of bugs and here in the Midwest we have more than our fair share of them especially when you get certain times of year when there’s like different bugs that seem to invade like with the crops.
I’ve never really seen aphids but Corn beetles and Asian lady bugs and Weevils just freak me out.
And we had ants one year too and they got into everything including my bed and well spiders…I like Spiderman and Spider Gwen but otherwise nope…nope, nope, nope they’re in the same place as clowns.
As dessert comes out and so does the coffee and the cards we start to talk with Quinn asking. “Momma you said that trans folk weren’t a surprise to you so you know some?”
Millie is pouring tea and she nods. “I ran with a pretty good crowd of folks when I went to school at Brown. There were lots of feminists and equal rights things still going on and right there with us were some pretty great trans women that turned out to very nice people and friends too.”
I’m biting on questions and she looks at me. “Deidre don’t chew on your lipstick dear.”
“Sorry it’s just sort of like breathtaking and nervy.”
“How so dear?”
“I don’t know any trans people, not around here and not really in real life. It’s been something that I’ve been living with and when you don’t see anyone else it’s hard to not thing that there’s something going wrong with you.”
“You don’t know any trans folks online?”
“Tons, actually the community I have sort of is awesome.”
Dad says/asks. “Sort of?”
“It’s online Daddy, there’s folks out there that are of all frigging kinds and some of them at first seem to be like great people and stuff but then there’s…”
“Perverts?” He asks.
“Yes but usually not in the communities that I’m in online and chasers get the boot really quick as do the Yaps.”
He looks confused. “Yaps?”
“People who join a community and all they do is post pictures about themselves and treat the group like it’s a dating site or are just plainly like trolling for compliments.”
He’s nodding as in Marcus who is frowning at his cards as we’re playing Gin-Rummy and having desert and tea and coffee. He says. “I can see where that’d be distracting when you want to talk about what you all go through.”
I nod and finish a bite of cake. “It’s kind of bad but we block those folks too it just when you run into others with like ablest issues and racist stuff and sexist stuff or like gatekeeper stuff.”
Millie looks up. “Gatekeepin?”
“Folks that thing that there’s a right way to be trans. It used to be like the terfs and the doctors that make you jump through all that time in RLT and in therapy to pronounce you what you have known all along. Now you got these truscum folks that think that you need to transition to be trans and that if you don’t have crippling gender dysphoria that will kill you that you’re not trans either.”
“But don’t you need those things?” Dad asks.
I look at him and he’s looking at me and I take a sip of tea.
Kinda hope it’s true tea enough to let me speak all the stuff that’s in my head.
“Doctored gatekeeping comes with whatever ideology that doctor or therapist has and some of them believe in absolute trash about us trans people like the whole autogynophellia bullpoop. Others treat us like their own test subjects for papers and others don’t believe in transition at all and are given our cases and it’s very much a matter of a lot of us jumping through hoops and even whims of these folks to get our scripts and our carry letters for like I said things that we already know.”
He looks at me. “So what’s the best solution for that/”
“A trans therapist or a doctor honestly, other than that there are online lists for safe doctors that aren’t hugely problematic.”
He nods and drinks some coffee and lays down a set of four tens and Quinn marks down his points. “So truscum are what then?”
“Truscum are like people that thing that there’s a set bar to be trans, that you have to be in transition to be treated seriously or that you have to have gender dysphoria so bad that you can’t function. It’s really a horrible thing that excludes all of the trans folks that lived without or are living without any hope of ever transitioning and are still carrying on.”
He’s frowning. “That’s like people who think that other Christians aren’t Christian enough because they don’t hate other folks or discriminate against them….or sounds like it.”
Quinn nods and lays down four fives. “I think truscum was started by terfs, like almost to a one most truscum are self-proclaimed trans guys and it all just reeks of terf fakery.”
Dad raises an eyebrow. “Terf?”
Millie actually speaks up. “Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminists, we had then back in the day too especially all through the Women’s studies programs. They’re pretty much horrible folks.”
I nod. “You want to know about Terf’s dad look up stuff about any trans celeb or Leelah or like any pro trans headline online and read the comments. Actually you can even just google it now there’s even a website, several websites that explain it all and some that are just like outright horrible too.”
He sips his coffee and plays his cards some more. “I know, I looked a lot of this stuff up Dee when you came out and I was spending all of that time in the office. You end up following link after link from social justice sites and blogs to fiction and creative things like stories and art and even poetry and then you hit the skeevy side of things and then the just outright hateful stuff too and it doesn’t take long to see there’s a lot of horrible people saying horrible things about my child.”
I’m like… (Sniffle.) “Daddy…”
He leans over the table and he kisses my cheek which makes me blush. “I’m still working on it; I’ll still be working on it for a long time most likely Dee. And I’m calling you Dee because I’ve tried Deidre a few times and it’s still somehow too easy to go to your other name and misgender you. Dee is just easier okay?”
(Sniffle.) “Dee’s okay, I like it just fine Daddy.”
He’s smiling a little. It’s not a full on dad smile but he’s sort of getting somewhere that he likes in his headspace now.
He looks at me. “We meet this head on Dee, there’s going to be some angry people about this but I think we need to do this head on with things and let people know and let them deal with it and get used to it or not and we figure out where we go from there.”
I swallow a hard gulp of tea.
“Okay, I’m tired daddy, I’m tired of waiting and hiding and just feeling wrong all of the time while I just literally keep getting worse and worse as I can’t escape this whole damned puberty thing.”
“One thing at a time kiddo, and you’re a big girl sure and you’re different sure but I’ve seen a lot more manly women than you right now and you’re just getting started on your journey and things. Now I’m going to assume that in coming out that you have a whole mental list of things that you had dreamed up of what you need to do to transition?”
I nod and stare at him as he holds my eyes with his.
“Dee this is your life, and it’s something that I still barely know. If you have ideas, if you have doctors that you want to see things that you have planned to do to transition tell me…I’m your father. It’s your transition it’s your fight not mine but I’m still going to have your back….I’m not going to gatekeep you.”
Sooner Than Later’s Part 6
*Before…
“Okay, I’m tired daddy, I’m tired of waiting and hiding and just feeling wrong all of the time while I just literally keep getting worse and worse as I can’t escape this whole damned puberty thing.”
“One thing at a time kiddo and you’re a big girl sure and you’re different sure but I’ve seen a lot more manly women than you right now and you’re just getting started on your journey and things. Now I’m going to assume that in coming out that you have a whole mental list of things that you had dreamed up of what you need to do to transition?”
I nod and stare at him as he holds my eyes with his.
“Dee this is your life and it’s something that I still barely know. If you have ideas, if you have doctors that you want to see things that you have planned to do to transition tell me…I’m your father. It’s your transition it’s your fight not mine but I’m still going to have your back….I’m not going to gatekeep you.”
*And Now…
It’s a beyond funny feeling when you have been in hiding for so much of your life and then…then you’re out and you’re not just out but the whole world didn’t come crashing down around you as you know it.
We played and talked for a while and figuring out things that we’re going to do or to try to do and then we’re going to see about my actual coming out.
I’m still pretty shocked and things when I take the rest of the dishes and start to do the final cleaning up of the night.
I say final because that’s a thing that I got from my mom.
Well not realty since she’s passed on but it’s something that I always seen her do whenever we had people over and that’s get things done in stages.
A doing the after cooking dishes is first. The pots and pans as you’re done with them if you have the time should be done as you get done with them.
Then after that a sink full of super-hot water and suds helps and good scrubby things too and you can go through plates really fast as you do them one at a time dumping the cutlery to the bottom of the sink for later or well for last as it might be.
It’s really fast to do things that way and there’s not a lot of stuff for me to do at the end of things and Quinn helps and then we’re done.
And with nothing else to do but think too much about all of this Quinn uses her phone and plays *If you don’t know me by now* By Simply Red.
There’s nothing like this.
I mean we’ve done this before but always in private and always with me terrified of being found out and things and this…now this is something entirely different with me being out at least like this at home right now and she’s dancing with me and it’s so much more than what I thought this would feel like.
Okay she’s shorter and everything and I’m still way too big for my liking at all and I feel huge next to her sometimes but all that’s fading as we’re dancing and we’re face to face and pressed to each other and there’s this whole other dimension of freedom that’s there.
Or like a whole other range of stuff that isn’t there hanging over my head. Over our heads.
And we dance a few dances together just us in the kitchen and things feel so much more right than ever and I feel so much more me than ever and then we kiss.
And yeah it’s definitely Quinn kissing me.
But it’s so much clearer.
Me, her…two girls that are in love with each other and it’s us actually able to be us and let our guards down after we’re both sort of out.
Her lipstick on mine and there’s just this little trace of heat and sweetness there and then there’s that slide sensation as we kiss and the two different lipsticks glide together and it just sends these sexy shivers through me that feel so much more me than any attraction the Derek ever had.
I never liked the way that things used to happen with me that way.
I had zero connection to that part of me and it came with all the horrible stuff that was happening to me. Getting bigger and bigger and heavier and heavier and broad shoulders and all these things that just honest to god felt like I was cursed and that I was mutating outside of the me that I really felt inside.
Getting aroused as a guy because of stuff that just came with things…that was just so not Deidre was.
Honestly there was so much I couldn’t handle and there seemed so much like I had even less say in what was going on with me that most of the time…most of the time it felt gross to me for it even happening.
At least until Quinn and her getting it more than anyone else.
And as silly as calling it an outtie is…when she said it and she was pretty darned serious about it well she made me feel better.
And she introduced me to sides of me that I didn’t even know that were actually something that I could have.
There’s a horrible pressure to conform even if you hate it and there’s all this super reinforced denial too that goes on in your head as your brain tries to convince your heart that “No, no , no this is wrong and that you need to suck it up as a man and deal with it.”
And honestly that doesn’t even really remotely work.
Quinn showing me how it’s okay to want to be touched as me, to be held and to be able to shiver with those intimate feelings in a good way wasn’t wrong. And it’s been one of those things that freed me and that saved me.
Is saving me.
And we’re just getting right into the zone when Dad’s there and coughing.
“I think that’s enough of that you two.”
I’m blushing and so is she but I’m smiling too.
She makes me smile.
And she’s slid her fingers in with mine and dad’s looking at us.
“You sure you tow haven taken things too far?”
“No, we’re…taking our time sir.” Quinn says.
I blush harder and sheepishly look at him. “I’m not ready…I’m really not ready for something like that yet.”
And I’m kinda pulling in on myself too…there’s a lot that I want to do with Quinn and that we really want to do together and that we’ve sort of talked and waaaaaay more like role-played together but physically…physically I only have ever gotten so far and being so not the me that I really need to be I only get so far before my own dysphoria kicks in.
Like it’s sort of doing now.
Because I’m sort of thinking about why we haven’t gone farther and that’s why.
I’m really sure that no matter how I am or how I look that Quinn is cool with me no matter what.
I mean we’ve gone through the emotional permutations of us and how each of us are like over and over and stuff in our heads and online and even lying down together face to face.
Seriously we really have looked at this.
And I do want a physical relationship eventually.
But when everything being pre-transition and all the stuff that can and sometimes happens that I don’t want to happen it’s just…not an actual option for us right now past what we’re doing.
Or not doing.
Dad just looks at us with a bit of okay that’s good and the rest being still parental scrutiny and we walk all of them out to the car and they head home.
Then I’m home and alone with Dad who is looking at me and I’m out front in the driveway and there might be people looking and I’m seeing…watching if he wants me to go inside and he’s not instead he’s actually looking at the garage and the basketball hoop.
“I suppose we’re not going to get a lot of use out of that anymore right?”
“Actually Dad I kinda still love basketball, it’s just that I want to play as a girl, I still want to be a Sooner.”
“They might look hard at that Dee.”
“I know, but I want to play, I want to play on the women’s team.”
“It’s going to be hard; none of this is going to be easy.”
I look at him. “Yeah…but being someone I never really was has been a lot harder Dad.”
He nods. “As long as you’re sure, it’s a fight I want to be ready for.”
“I’m sure.”
He sighs and looks at me again. “So now what do we do about your room and everything else?”
I bite my lower lip even though I shouldn’t. “Honestly Dad I don’t know, I never thought I’d ever get this far.”
“Well we do have some things in the attic that were you mother’s things if you’d like to look at them sometime but right now I think that we need to go and look at things and what you really want?”
I look at him. “What I really want?”
“I’m going to assume that you need a whole lot of things.”
I swallow and I nod. “A lot of things actually I just…I just didn’t have a clue as to how to ask for them.”
He nods and goes up and opens the garage door with the fob and then looks at me. “Well get your purse or whatever you have we’ll go and get some of the basics at least and then we’ll talk about all of the bigger stuff.”
“But…how are we going to pay for it, I know you don’t exactly make that much money Dad.”
“Your mother and I were careful we have rainy day money and we have had money set aside and invested from her insurance too.”
“Didn’t we lose money with the Bush crash?”
He does the republican face when I call it that. I know it’s complicated and stuff but a lot of it goes to that administration and stuff though Clinton was like no saint either.
“Well some went down and some bounced back and somethings always stay globally stable.”
“Like?”
“Gold.”
“We have gold?”
“No we have stock in a few mining companies that are well proven but new enough to have grown since we invested.”
“Oh and here I was going to call my gaming friends.”
He frowns again this time the Dad who’s a minister with the D&D stuff.
He was “hellbound” against it until I made him read the origins of D&D and his pro-military self fought with the religious self and won.
“Get your stuff and get in the car smart-butt.”
I laugh and he smiles at me. I’m kind of happy too…I’m getting to be me with him and that’s a huge step.
I mean Dad’s not ultra-right wing conservative he’s just pretty Oklahoma Midwestern I love my country and god. He loves people too though so he’s pro-rights on a lot of stuff and is an avid gun owner but he’s pro-gun control too and he thinks that abortion is a women’s right because you’re still following god’s laws when you protect the woman from something she cannot deal with, something that might put herself and her child and even children at risk….all the while he’s very pro-adoption.
I mean he’s a good guy but I like had reasons to be nervous.
Like me…and him…getting in the car and pulling out with me dresses in public and really out for the very first time.