Previously, from You Are You
Western New York State, late summer…
“My name is Dylan, what’s yours?” The girl held her hand out. He stared at it for a moment before taking her hand in his in greeting.
“Gary.” He smiled and a look of confusion crossed the girl’s face. She tilted her head and her eyes grew wide in recognition.
“Oh…I’m sorry. I thought you were one of us…” her face darkened.
“N…no…I’m ….my….” He stammered.
“What’s her name?”
“Her name? Oh…. Hailey.” In a moment his face had grown hot in embarrassment.
“I’m so ...so sorry….”
The girl bit her lip. She looked down at herself, as if taking inventory. She wore a yellow skirt and a white tank top under a green pullover. Her legs were adorned with white and red striped tights and she had on brown leather sandals. She looked like she would have fit in at Kohl’s or Marshall’s sales flyer photo shoot but for her very short if somewhat pixyish red hair. He followed her gaze as she eyed herself. Even if she was a bit younger than him, she was cute, and he found himself staring at her until she looked up in question.
“It’s okay….I don’t ….I’m here for Hailey…that’s all. Who are you here for?” He smiled nervously and she half-frowned.
“What? Oh……No….I’m so sorry,” Dylan shook her head and her eyes began to tear up. Gary looked at her askance, wanting to know what he had said to upset her. She put her head down even as she began to speak.
“I…I’m not here….for anybody…..” She gasped.
“I don’t… I….what do you mean?” He asked nervously, as if the answer he expected was the worst possible thing he could hear. She looked up at him and frowned before blurting out,
“I’m here for me….sorry….I gotta go….” She turned quickly and ran across the courtyard. He shook his head as he saw her disappear in the crowd by the cabins. The look of confusion on his face gave way to awkward insight as he realized that Dylan was just like Hailey...
I tasted, tasted love so sweet
And all of it was lost on me
Bought and sold like property
Sugar on my tongue
The Venturini home, Mid-September…
“Kids? Can you come here for a sec?” Gina called from the kitchen. Bonnie came running down the hallway from her bedroom and Gary ambled in from the living room. Gina looked up from her laptop and suppressed a grin.
“Where’s Hailey?” she asked as she looked over Gary’s shoulder. A moment later her older daughter appeared and stepped past Gary; sitting down at the table next to Gina.
“I’ve got some great news….” She paused, trying for some dramatic effect, but couldn’t help herself and just blurted it out.
“Your Dad is coming home!” She smiled and turned to each one of her children. Gary seemed almost nonchalant, but smiled back and nodded; not wanting to be too emotional. Bonnie ran to her mother and hugged her. Hailey put her head down without comment.
“Gar? You are glad, aren’t you?”
“Oh yeah…it’s just he’s been away for so long. I…. “
“I know, honey. But he’s proud of you. All of you,” she added as she tried to get Hailey’s attention.
“I just want…. You know…”
“You’re the best son any father could have, Gary.” She had barely gotten the words out of her mouth when she realized just what that meant.
“What…what does….What does that make me? “ Hailey stammered before bursting into tears. Gina tried to reach to grab her hand but Hailey backed away before standing and walking quickly down the hall to her bedroom. The door closed; not with a slam but deliberate enough.
“I don’t understand,” Gina sighed; speaking to herself.
“She wants to know what me being a good son makes her, Mom.” Gary shook his head; his words weren’t a rebuke but rather a reminder that everyone at home had met Hailey but her father only knew her as Gary’s twin brother Christopher.
“I…” Gina stammered as well before putting her head down on the table as she began to echo the sobs from Hailey’s room. She wasn’t being self-indulgent. Even though the family had done a great job in working through the changes wrought by the departure/arrival of newest member of the Venturini household, there remained doubts and even fears.
“Mom….what…why…” Gary stammered. Gina lifted her head up just enough to look down the hallway. She turned and faced Gary and shook her head.
“I’m….I’m so sorry…..”
“What…Mom?”
“I haven’t told your Dad….” She looked down the hall once again before cradling her head on her arms on the table as she began to sob. Gary backed away slightly; feeling completely at a loss for what to say or do. Bonnie stepped past him; rubbing his shoulder before sitting down at the table next to her mother. She grabbed Gina’s hand and kissed it, saying softly,
“It’s okay, Mommy…it’s okay.”
Being apart from Chris Sr. had its impact on everyone….mostly. Gary felt inadequate as a son and a brother. Gina felt she had let her daughter down in so many ways even though she loved and encouraged Hailey.
But Bonnie was the optimist who kept the Venturinis on an even keel. Looking up to Gary and being hopeful and grateful for her mother. She struggled with how to encourage Hailey, but in the end still managed a hug and a kiss every day accompanied by the words, “I’m so proud of my sister.” Enough doubtful and even needlessly shameful tears were shed, but were balanced on a nearly moment to moment basis by joyful tears shed by the youngest member of the family.
East Aurora High School, the next afternoon…
“Hey Gary, how’s your brother,” the boy said as he pushed past a few students mulling in the doorway. Gary turned around and glared at the boy; trying to keep calm. The boy compounded his ignorance by bumping rudely against Gary in a failed attempt to knock Gary’s books to the floor. A moment later a kind-looking woman tapped the boy on the shoulder and spoke in a western African near-singsong.
“Mr. Sipowitz? Would you mind accompanying me into the twenty-first century tomorrow morning? Our excursion will be departing in my office in the Guidance department. Your trip may or may not last more than a day or so depending upon what you and I discuss, okay?”
“Uh….yes, Ms. Okifor…” The boy put his head down; walking away.
“I’m sorry, Gary. How is Hailey doing?”
“She’s…. so far …”
“It can’t be easy; even with role models and support. I’d rather not send a note; just in case I don’t see her, please let her know we’re all thinking about her?” She would have added that some of the actually were praying for her; albeit as individuals. The idea of prayer in school, even as folks instead of educators, still remained understandably a questionable idea. And of course it was de classe’ to some as well. She smiled and patted him on the back in a non-threatening-within-guidelines manner before walking into the administration office.
“You okay?” another voice came from behind. The girl smiled and waved a wee bit nervously.
“Yeah… Eddie’s just a dick.” He laughed; his nervousness duplicating that of the girl. She stepped closer; cautious as always. Her face, usually a very pale pinkish-white, had gained the occasional darker pink hue owing to her shyness. The darker complexion seemed to compliment her red hair; red hair that up to recently had meant very little to Gary. He sighed as he looked at her. Uncomfortable feelings hovered around him as he recalled another red-haired girl he had met a short while ago. He backed away.
“You want to come over after school tomorrow? My cousin is visiting and we’re sorta having a party for her. You and Hailey, okay?” Cristyn Edwards smiled once again and walked away nervously without waiting for an answer. And Gary looked around; recently discovered hey-I-do-like-girls feelings had him wondering if anyone noticed just how anxious he was as well.
I wasted, wasted love for you
Trading out for something new
Well, it's hard to change the way you lose
If you think you've never won
'Cause all we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful
That Friday at Cristyn’s home…
Gary and Hailey stood anxiously on the landing at the front door; neither wanting to ring the bell. Gary felt like walking the nearly two miles back home; torn between wanting to get to know Cristyn more while feeling conflicted and confused into his full on venture into no-longer-a-boyhood.
And Hailey didn’t want to see anyone; period. She felt completely out of place in her own home, so visiting someone else was more than a scary thought; even when she already knew what kind people the Edwards family was. She was pivoting already on her left foot in a fear driven about-face when the door opened suddenly. A vaguely familiar face greeted her and Gary. The girl looked to be about their age and just as nervous.
“Hi…. H…Hailey?” The girl stammered her name before turning to face Gary. Her cheeks, already a bright pink in contrast to her very pale complexion, began to darken in embarrassment and even near shame. Nevertheless, she stuck her hand out in greeting.
“Cristyn went to the store with Aunt Mefus. Co….come in.”
Gary took the girl’s hand and shook it weakly; owing more to his confusion and needless embarrassment, but also in an odd this-is-how-a-boy-shakes-a-girl’s-hand response. She smiled weakly before backing slowly away from the door. At this point Gary hesitated. Odd and all too familiar feelings seemed to push him hard against the door frame. Somehow he knew the girl and it made him feel sadly ashamed and even more confused, which added to the girl’s own embarrassment.
As much of her own fear and shame had driven Hailey to seek flight, a curious wave of empathy drove her even more to grab Gary’s hand as she walked inside. And an uncharacteristic feeling of belonging pushed her gently as she hugged the girl who stood shaking, with head turned. The girl wore simple jeans and dark maroon Nikes. Her top was pink and mostly obscured by a long dark grey cardigan. Her face was still dark from embarrassment, but still pale enough to be set off by her very red and very short hair. And her blush did nothing to obscure the very cute freckles that covered her face.
“Hi…Hailey….” The girl said nervously. Her anxiety rose as Hailey kissed her on both cheeks before smiling; albeit as nervously as the girl. Hailey pulled back enough to give her another hug.
“Hi…..Dylan.
A short while later at the Venturini home….
Gina was in the kitchen pouring water in the Keurig when her cell phone buzzed.
“Chris? Chris? Oh honey….what? What? You’re at the airport? Where? Oh, damn it… I know… Yes…No….Have you….Hang on….we can stop on the way back…sure….Duff’s? Yes…. The …the twins are out at a friend’s for dinner and Bonnie is at a sleep-over….Yes….we do need to talk….What? No….when I get there….Yes…about forty….yes….I…I love you too….b…bye….”
She clicked off the phone and punched the button on the Keurig. A few moments later she was sitting in the living room. She wanted to rush out and get in the car and drive, but she needed time to think…to plan. A long drive home would be filled with conversation, but somewhere between the airport and home…dinner? Somewhere along the way, Gina Venturini would have to tell Christopher Ardo Venturini that he no longer had twin sons, but that his namesake somehow had been a girl named Hailey these past fourteen years or so. She sighed and looked out the window; almost seeking a sign from above; divine guidance? Her guidance came divinely but in a much more humble and earthly form.
“Mom?” She looked up to find Bonnie standing in the hallway; somehow missed in all the semi-drama that had unfolded only moments before.
“Steph had to cancel. Her brother broke his arm at football practice and they went to the hospital.”
“You heard?” Gina eyed the cell phone on the coffee table.
“Yeah…. “Bonnie paused in thought.
“I wanna come to the airport with you, but I think you and Daddy need to talk by yourselves.”
“Oh, honey, you can come.”
“No… it’s okay. Steph and I are going to Mei’s house instead when she gets back. You two need to do Mommy and Daddy stuff….” She blushed and immediately added.
“Talking, Mom….you two need to talk….about Hailey.” Gina put her hand to her face and began to tear up.
“Mom? You didn’t do anything wrong. Daddy’s been gone and you did what you had to do.” She walked over and sat down on the sofa. Drawing closer, she hugged Gina and smiled; her own tears mirroring her mother’s.
“Daddy just has to get used to having three of us….” She eyed herself and Gina up and down, indicating a recently expanded membership in the exclusive Venturini girls’ club. The two giggled at the same time even as Gina followed up with a gasp.
“We out number him and Gary now, Mom….no problems.” She kissed her mother and stood up.
“You can do this, Mommy.” Bonnie liked to go back and forth between endearments; owing to her own recent venture into the senior class of Venturini womanhood. She smiled and waved as she pulled her own cell phone from her pocket.
“Steph’s on the way over….I’m gonna go get ready, so give Daddy a kiss for me?” Gina nodded ‘of course.’
“And in between all the Hailey and Gary stuff, tell Daddy if he ever goes away again…..” The other elephant in the room slammed his foot down hard as Bonnie began to cry. Gina got up and ran over; her turn to console in the ever-present queue of disappointments in the Venturini home. She pulled Bonnie close and kissed her forehead.
“Never again, honey. I promise. But you’ll have to stand in line, since I’ll probably hit him myself…..” She felt guilty but they all needed to face how to pick up the pieces of Chris’ absence. It was honorable and a good thing that Chris served his country. But now it was time for him to serve his family. His lonely wife. His confused son. His younger new-to-womanhood daughter. And his new as a woman daughter. No longer his namesake, but still a child who needed her father now more than ever.
Meanwhile, at the Edwards home across town....
“D…Dylan?” Gary stammered. As much as he wanted to be a young man at that moment, fears and ignorance seemed to shove his maturity aside, and he saw a boy in girl’s clothing instead of an almost pretty if altogether brand new girl. And seeing in context made all the difference; meeting her over the summer at the camp meant with all the other kids who actually looked like they fit in as new or temporarily accepted girls. In the home of his best friend, it was sadly a reminder of how much more change had yet to take place between him and Hailey. He shook his head; reflexively if entirely unintentional yet still revealing.
“Y…esss….” It was all the girl could manage as she looked into his eyes. She wanted to believe. Hell, even Gary wanted to believe, but he was a confused and even scared barely-fourteen-year-old boy, and his expression told her all the things she didn’t need to hear. She burst into tears and ran out of the living room and down the hall. Gary turned to Hailey….his sister. She saw In his eyes the same lack of understanding that Dylan had just now felt. The same lack of understanding she hoped had departed.
“Gar? How could you….oh fuck,” was all she could manage before she walked down the hall as well. And Gary stood alone in the living room; feeling more confused and afraid as ever. But mixed in with that confusion and fear was a wee bit of increasing insight coupled with acceptable shame. Damned if he didn’t have a sister instead of a twin brother. And if…and since he did have a sister, what did that make Dylan. And if….and since Dylan was a girl as well, what did that make Gary Venturini? Was he ….gay? He was going to find out in very short order that it wasn’t what he was or wasn't that mattered, but rather who. Gay and straight were just someone else's labels after all. And learning who he was would prove to be a very good thing for him and Hailey and especially for Dylan Gwyneth Edwards.
And in the end the words won't matter
'Cause in the end nothing stays the same
And in the end dreams just scatter and fall like rain
'Cause all we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful, something real
To be continued...
All We Are
words and music by
Marshall Altman and the performer,
Matt Nathanson
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRwjdJVyHkA
Previously, at Cristyn Edwards’ house…
“D…Dylan?” Gary stammered. As much as he wanted to be a young man at that moment, fears and ignorance seemed to shove his maturity aside, and he saw a boy in girl’s clothing instead of an almost pretty if altogether brand new girl. And seeing in context made all the difference; meeting her over the summer at the camp meant with all the other kids who actually looked like they fit in as new or temporarily accepted girls. In the home of his best friend, it was sadly a reminder of how much more change had yet to take place between him and Hailey. He shook his head; reflexively if entirely unintentional yet still revealing.
“Y…esss….” It was all the girl could manage as she looked into his eyes. She wanted to believe. Hell, even Gary wanted to believe, but he was a confused and even scared barely-fourteen-year-old boy, and his expression told her all the things she didn’t need to hear. She burst into tears and ran out of the living room and down the hall. Gary turned to Hailey….his sister. She saw In his eyes the same lack of understanding that Dylan had just now felt. The same lack of understanding she hoped had departed.
A short while later…
“Hey, where is everybody,” Cristyn called as she walked in. Gary glanced down the hallway. She stare at him as if to ask, ‘what did you do?’ He shrugged his shoulders, but still came off looking somewhat guilty.
“Gary?”
“I said his name….” He looked away. Cristyn shook her head almost furiously. Gary was her friend and she understood the difficulty in nouns and pronouns, but she just knew Dylan was in her room crying and maybe with the accompaniment of Gary’s sister. It didn’t mean much if he meant well. Dylan was pretty much going through hell at home and today and this place were supposed to provide her cousin with a brief respite. She brushed past him and half-smiled; acknowledging at least that she knew he hadn’t meant to hurt anyone.
“Hard to figure out, right?” Mefus Edwards smiled. She put a bag of groceries on the kitchen table and walked into the hallway where he stood.
“We had thought that meeting up with the two of you….Hailey and you….would help her.” The stress in the pronoun was meant to help the boy and not as a rebuke. He nodded almost robotically. He felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to find the kind eyes of Cristyn's father Danny peering into his.
“We made all sorts of mistakes when Dylan came to us. It’s a learning process even for those of us who know and support girls like Dylan and Hailey. I know you’re trying.” He patted Gary’s back.
“Let’s take a walk, okay?” He didn’t wait but instead ushered Gary out the front door. A few moments later they were walking on a bike path in the park adjacent to the house.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Edwards. I didn’t mean to…. I was just so surprised to see ….her here.”
“I know. Cristyn didn’t even realize you had met until Dylan and she talked this morning about the camp. She mentioned what a nice boy she had met who had shown her kindness.” At the word ‘boy,’ Gary’s face began to redden. Danny noticed the boy’s embarrassment.
“You’re confused? I get that. But I suppose you already know just by having a sister like Hailey that it’s not all about you?” Gary nodded awkwardly.
“None of us comes with instructions, and we’re constantly being disassembled and put back together when we find a part in the wrong place or discover a new part that needs to be added.” He led Gary to a bench next to the path and sat down. Gary joined him; still feeling awkward.
“You’re doing a great job supporting your sister but that doesn’t answer questions you have about my niece…. And how you feel.”
“I don’t ….It’s hard to put into words.”
“You’re wondering if….” Danny left the word unspoken; prompting Gary to own the moment and his feelings.
“Gay? I….I mean….” His face began to darken once again.
“I’ve known you and your family since preschool. Would that be so wrong?” Gary put his head down.
“We’re all put together differently and sometimes we discover later than some just how different we are. But all we are? It’s who we are that matters….not what…who we are. You don’t feel attracted to boys and that idea is confusing. So think of it this way. You are….attracted to Dylan? She’s not a he, but if she was a he, would that be so bad? Even so, Dylan is a girl, no matter how she started out.” Gary looked away and nodded. Tears began to fall off his chin.
“Oh fuck...I’m sorry, Mr. Edwards. I didn’t mean to hurt ….her feelings.”
“I know you didn’t. It will be okay. We best hurry back.” Gary looked at him in surprise. Danny laughed as he stood; pulling the boy up.
“I’m cooking dinner tonight.”
On the interstate on the way from the airport…
“Why aren’t the kids with you?” Chris shook his head and stared at Gina.
“It’s not like you gave us notice, Chris.”
“I was able to get an earlier flight. I thought you’d be happy.” Sullen wasn’t exactly what Gina had hoped for; especially with the news she needed to convey.
“I…We are happy, Chris. The kids just had things they were already doing when you called. The…twins went to the Edward's house for dinner. And Bonnie had a sleepover that was canceled so she went over to Melanie’s with Steph… probably watching Downton Abbey.”
“Downton what?”
“It’s a show….” Gina was frustrated already. It wasn’t that Chris didn’t know about the show. It was all about his choice to accept deployment after she had pled for him to stay close to home. And now with the changes that seemed to be happening in all the Venturini children?”
“Anyway, it’s probably a good thing we’re alone. We need to talk, honey,” she said; surprised at the endearment that almost inserted itself into the conversation. Of course she still loved her husband, but she had grown to dislike bits and pieces of his life that seemed to almost always ignore her and the children.
“Okay…. Let’s talk.”
“Ah…. Maybe we should stop and get something to eat.” She faced straight ahead, hoping he didn’t see her wince.
“Good….I’m starving.” He laughed. She sighed and thought.
“I’m starving. For affection. The kids and I are starving for attention.” The words thankfully went unsaid as she glanced over at her husband, blinking back tears.
“Why are you crying?” He asked.
“Just…just happy you’re home, honey.”
That word again. Try as she might to stay angry, she still wanted to forgive him. She only hoped he would have it in him to forgive her once they talked. She didn’t really need to be forgiven; she hadn’t kept anything from him since Hailey had already made an appearance in a way. But add ignorance and an insistence that Chris Jr. was and would remain a boy to a protracted absence, and the equation could be summed up as Gina Carla Manfredonia Venturini dealing with raising three children mostly on her own. Add a transgender child to the mix, and things became all the more difficult.”
“I’m really glad to be home, too.” Chris did something quite unexpected.
“I love you.” He grabbed her right hand away from the steering wheel and squeezed before wiping the tears on her cheek with his hand.
“I love you, too, honey.” Gina smiled through the tears hoping that love would be enough to sustain them once she told her husband that he had two daughters and only one son.
I tried to paint you a picture, the colors were all wrong
Black and white didn't fit you and all along,
You were shaded with patience, your strokes of everything
That I need just to make it, but I can see that...
Lord knows I failed you time and again,
But you and me are alright
Meanwhile…
Mefus walked into Cristyn’s bedroom. All three girls were sitting on the floor. Hailey seemed to be the most ‘together’ of the three, oddly enough, but with more experience in fitting in, she’d cried more for Dylan than herself. Cristyn was holding her cousin; rocking her gently like a mother holding a child. Tears streamed down her face as she felt Dylan’s pain as her own; mourning with those who mourn, so to speak if a bit premature. Mefus stooped down and kissed Hailey’s forehead in blessing before sitting on the floor next to Dylan. She looked over at Cristyn and nodded; motherly pride over the compassion her daughter showed to Dylan.
“I’m so sorry,” she said; almost to all three. Hailey was already standing. She walked to the dresser in the corner of the room and retrieved some tissue.
“Mrs. Edwards?” Hailey looked out the bedroom window; as if to see all the way home.
“Yes, honey?”
“My…my dad is coming home. He…. He doesn’t know….” Hailey bit her lip and all the strength she had mustered for her friend departed as she began to tear up. Mefus nodded and glanced at Dylan; a need to show the girl that but for different names and homes, the two were all too much alike in their hurt, and that both girls mattered.
“Oh, honey…. I heard… Cristyn told me. “She grabbed Dylan’s and Cristyn's hands and squeezed with as much assurance as she could manage. Standing up, she walked to the girl and hugged her. So much time had passed since Hailey and Gary had become a part of Cristyn's life. Mefus had known from the beginning that there was something different about the twins; perhaps even before Hailey herself, and certainly before their parents.
She had long feared for the girl; a fear however that prompted two things. First, she had discovered a need in herself to understand and accept the child whom they had always known as Chris. And that led to prayer which not only prepared her for the inevitable day she would be called to help Hailey, but now to help her own niece.
Dylan Edwards was facing the same rejection and pain which had beset Hailey for so long. But in the home of Andrew and Gwen Edwards, there were no sympathetic eyes and nods and smiles. Hailey at least had two sibs and her mom. Dylan had no one. Kind and well-meaning faith can also hurt when misdirected or unaware. Andrew and even Gwen had grown almost inflexible. They loved all of their children, but with an eye to seeing three sons despite the protests of their youngest child.
I have an idea, girls, but it might make things more difficult before it gets better.” Three sets of eyes stared at Mefus in anxious hope. She smiled and nodded.
“Come out to the kitchen with me. Let’s have some tea and we can talk.” She grabbed Hailey’s hand and walked her over to the two cousins; both offering the girls help in standing. The anxious looks seemed to change a bit with more hope mixed in along with quizzical smiles that graced all three faces. Mefus bit her lip in thought; hoping against hope that something…anything… they could do would be enough for all three families. She looked upward and whispered a prayer before walking out of the bedroom and down the hall; three hopeful girls in tow.
Meanwhile, at Zebb’s Grill, Orchard Park, New York….
“I’m starved,” Chris said. Gina sighed and nodded. The waitress, Chelsea by her nametag, smiled and spoke.
“Something to drink?” Chris stared at the menu. Gina spoke up.
“Two Bass Ales? And a some water with lemon?” The waitress walked off and Chris turned his attention to Gina in surprise.
“What? I sort of learned how to order while you were away.”
“Don’t start!” he snapped but thought better of it.
“I’m sorry. I had that coming.” Gina wanted to agree out loud, but they needed better footing than being annoyed with each other.
“I’m sorry, too. I don’t mean to beat you up. I just hope in the middle of all this you know the reason why we’re all upset is because we all love you so much, okay, honey?” There was that word again. Her mind was telling her to stay angry, but her heart was saying otherwise. Not to extend cheap grace once more to a husband used to having his way, but a means of bridging a gap that would only widen if she didn’t speak truth with love.
A few moments later Chelsea had returned with the ale.
“Two….?” Gina looked at Chris. He nodded; more out of acknowledgement than approval.
“Two Haddock? Grilled okay?” Chris nodded and smiled.
“Baked potato and whatever vegetable you’ve got?” Gina smiled back, hoping the meal would help. The way past a man’s need to be right is through his stomach?
“Carrots…they’re fresh…carrots okay?”
“Carrots it is. And can we both have another ale?” She looked over and noticed Chris had barely reached half-way. The girl smiled and walked away once again.
“So what’s so important that we couldn’t talk about it in the car?” Chris shook his head, expecting the worst. Gina took a gulp of her water and sighed.
“I wanted to wait until we got home, but between my anxiety all day, I need to tell you now.” She smiled, hoping that would at least relieve any anxiety on his part. It didn’t.
“What? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing is wrong.” Or at least it wouldn’t be unless he made it so.
“We …we talked about some things….before you deployed this time.”
“What?” His eyes widened in anticipation; almost a pre-emptive annoyance for what he already knew he’d say.
“The twins…they’re not getting any younger,” Gina shrugged. Chris took a swig of his own ale; downing it quickly.
“We…we did talk about this.”
“Actually, I tried to talk about it. You wouldn’t listen. Your child has tried to talk about it for nearly three years.” The word ‘child’ seemed almost a concession to his demands. She took another gulp of water.
“The doctors all agree, honey.” That word inserted itself once again; almost hoping on her behalf that the man she married would act as if.
“I…I know what the doctors said, Gina.” Her name was as close to an endearment as he could speak at that moment.
“We had to do something, Chris.” She spoke his name; not as an endearment but in appeal to who he was inside. The man she married. The man she thought she knew.
“I sent you an email. It had an attachment. I know you read it because you were happy about Bonnie’s volunteering at the homeless shelter. And Gary’s homer. But you didn’t say a word about….”
“His name is Christopher…. Anthony… Junior.” Chris spoke the words in an almost monotone; a portent of something worse?
“Her…. Her, Chris. Her name is Hailey…. Did you even look at the picture?”
“I didn’t when you first sent it.” He sighed. A calm before the storm?
“But the other day I was looking at my saved folder and I opened the email again.”
“And?” Gina hadn’t meant to be so abrupt, but she was desperate enough for all their sake that urgency took over.
“The picture? I guess that’s at the park? Gary is so much … he’s quite the young man. And Bonnie is so much taller than when I saw her last….” His voice trailed off. Speaking the next few words would determine the fate of the family.
“And?” The word was softer; accompanied by a par on her husband’s wrist.
Chris shook his head once again and just looked away.
At the Edwards’ home….
“Anyone for more?” Danny held up the platter of fish. Cristyn nodded and speared a fillet with her fork. Dylan and Hailey hardly seemed interested in the food on their plates. Mefus smiled and shook her head no, but gave her husband thumbs up. Gary took the platter from Danny’s hand and pulled two fillets and some fries onto his own plate.
“Dylan, sweetie?” Danny looked at Mefus. She nodded and spoke.
“We can do this only if you both think It best.” Dylan looked at her aunt; once again hoping for something…anything that might help.
“This really means all of you, since each of you are part of how we hope to reach Dylan’s mom and dad.”
“If you’re willing…if you can, dearest?” Mefus patted Dylan’s hand.
“Instead of driving you home tomorrow, we think it might be a good thing if your mom and dad come to dinner tomorrow. I know they’re free since they made plans to be home when I talked to Gwen.”
“I … I don’t understand.”
“When your dad dropped you off, you were…. You were their son. Danny and I think it’s high time they got to know Dylan….their daughter.”
“Oh….I…. “ Dylan shook her head; almost refusing to believe her parents would understand. Cristyn placed her hand on the girl’s back.
“I know you’re scared. But we’ll be here…all of us.” She glanced over at Hailey. The girl nodded at Cristyn and Dylan; albeit with an anxious look.
“I….I know how it feels….” Hailey was almost apokogetic; as if somehow Dylan's pain was her fault.
“And I’m scared for you…. And me. But this is who we are?” Her voice raised a bit in question. Danny nodded.
“Who you are. Exactly, Hailey. And we will be here for you. All of us.” He nudged Gary and spoke; anticipating the boy’s question.
“Having your brother here might help Dylan’s parents realize it’s not just their child or family, and that Hailey has support.” At the word support, Hailey winced. She had the support of her mother and her sister and Gary, despite her brother’s missteps. But she also had more convincing to do, so to speak.
Almost on cue, Gary’s cell phone rang.
“Hello?” He turned.
“It’s my sister Bonnie.” He put his ear to the phone again.”
“What? When? Oh… yeah…we’re at Cristyn’s….yeah…. Okay… bye.” He clicked off the phone and spoke.
“That was Bonnie,” he repeated.
“Mom got a call…. My Dad came home early. They’re on their way home from the airport.” He said it with excitement and everyone in the room smiled save for two. Dylan shrugged her shoulders; looking at least happy for Gary. And Hailey wore a blank stare that quickly turned to a look of panic.
“D…Daddy’s home?” She didn’t wait for the reply but simply burst into tears before getting up from the table and running down the hall once again. Mefus went to rise but Cristyn touched her arm.
“I’ll go…” She turned and smiled.
“Can..Can I come too?” Gary asked. Cristyn nodded almost solemnly and they walked down the hall together
I walked a minute in your shoes –
They never would've fit
I figured there's nothing to lose.
I need to get
Some perspective on these words before I write them down
You're an island and my ship has run aground.
To be concluded...
All We Are
words and music by
Tim Myers and Ryan Redder
Performed by
One Republic
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F6GZEHyvzSE
All We Are - Reprise
words and music by
Marshall Altman and the performer,
Matt Nathanson
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRwjdJVyHkA
Previously, at Zebb’s Grill, Orchard Park, New York….
“We had to do something, Chris.” She spoke his name; not as an endearment but in appeal to who he was inside. The man she married. The man she thought she knew.
“I sent you an email. It had an attachment. I know you read it because you were happy about Bonnie’s volunteering at the homeless shelter. And Gary’s homer. But you didn’t say a word about….”
“His name is Christopher…. Anthony… Junior.” Chris spoke the words in an almost monotone; a portent of something worse?
“Her…. Her, Chris. Her name is Hailey…. Did you even look at the picture?”
“I didn’t when you first sent it.” He sighed. A calm before the storm?
“But the other day I was looking at my saved folder and I opened the email again.”
“And?” Gina hadn’t meant to be so abrupt, but she was desperate enough for all their sake that urgency took over.
“The picture? I guess that’s at the park? Gary is so much … he’s quite the young man. And Bonnie is so much taller than when I saw her last….” His voice trailed off. Speaking the next few words would determine the fate of the family.
“And?” The word was softer; accompanied by a par on her husband’s wrist.
Chris shook his head once again and just looked away.
“He….he’s not my son….” Chris spoke the words in a monotone once again, leaving Gina worried and confused until she saw the tears in her husband’s eyes. Sadness mixed with his own confused shame over his behavior. He smiled weakly; not in protest but in that surrender of the good to embrace the best.
“I’m so sorry. I was so fucking wrong.” He sighed. Chelsea returned with two more ales and a basket of dinner rolls. Gina winced at her husband’s words and turned; shrugging in apology. The girl smiled.
“I’ll be over there,” she said, pointing in the direction of the kitchen.
“I’ll bring your entrée’s in a bit, okay?” She walked off, leaving them to an uncomfortable silence.
“You ….” Gina began to speak, but halted in fear that this was just like every other apology Chris had ever uttered.
“I was over there…. The kids I was with were barely older than the twins. A kid…. Eighteen if he was a day…. Got his arm blown off…I lost it…I held him while he just…?”
Chris shuddered; too much in the moment for his own sake but right where he needed to be, so to speak, for the sake of his family.
“All I could think of…. This is so crazy. He had three days to go and….”
Chris looked away and gasped; the expression on his face was sadness mixed with wonder.
“The kid looked just like Chr…Hailey… Like one of them.” Gina’s eyes widened; first angry but then in surprised relief.
“At first it was like if I didn’t know any better I would have sworn… “ He paused; looking at Hailey’s image on the photo in the table.
“I found out that the kid was…. Going to…transition? Is that what they call it?” I felt so foolish and ashamed. Trying to make sense of it and…him…of …of her? And there I am standing in the midst of fucking chaos trying to help out when I can’t even help my own children…. I am such a fucking failure, Gina. You’re doing all the heavy lifting and I’m over there…. So I asked and they gave me this,” he pointed to himself.
“I can’t make up for what I gave away, Gee…. But life’s too short to keep giving away what I’ve been blessed… who I’ve been blessed with….” His voice trailed off but his soft sobs were enough to the girl to place their food on the table without a word. She touched Gina on the shoulder gently before retreating once again.
Gina glanced at the ale before taking a long swig from her water. She patted Chris on the wrist and spoke.
“What…what are you saying?” She hoped she knew already, but also feared her husband would revoke the promise his words seem to hold. He looked up; red-eyed already as tears fell off his chin. He smiled; weak not from the moment but from finally giving into the father he had always been intended to be.
“She…..she’s my daughter.” He shook his head and lowered his gaze; sobbing unashamedly. Gina kissed her index finger and touched his lips.
“I love you so much.”
I wasted, wasted love for you
Trading out for something new
Well, it's hard to change the way you lose
If you think you've never won
'Cause all we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful
At the Edwards home, a short while later…
“How is Hailey?” Mefus asked as she handed Cristyn a mug of cocoa.
“Gary is sitting with her. I think knowing that he’s there for her helps. You know?”
“Like maybe there’s hope for their Dad?” Danny asked as he grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge.
“What about tomorrow, Aunt Mefus,” Dylan asked nervously.
“I think this is the best way to go.” Mefus nodded absent-mindedly at her own words. Dylan sighed.
“I’m so scared.” The girl stifled a sob.
“I know, sweetie. But …and it’s easy for me to say…. But as long as I’ve known your mom and dad they’ve always wanted the best for you and your brothers.”
“It’s what they think is best that’s the problem, Mom.” Cristyn said. Danny shook his head in sad agreement.
“My brother has fashioned a lifetime out of ‘he meant well,’ and it’s a real…. But he’s a good man. And your mom….”
“Gwen needs to just speak for Dylan for a change.” Mefus insisted.
“Well, now’s the time, hon. From your mouth to God’s ears.”
“It’s Andy’s ears that worry me,” Mefus said. She winced as she looked over at her niece. Dylan smiled and nodded; evoking a sigh of relief from Danny.
Meanwhile, in Cristyn’s bedroom….
“I’m scared.” The words echoed Dylan’s but they were uttered by Gary and not Hailey. She had calmed down enough to recall her mother’s support and her promise to encourage the new relationship the whole family was beginning to experience with the new older sister. Something inside seemed to prompt her to echo that encouragement.
“You’re not afraid of what your friends will say, right?” Hailey stared at her brother. He shook his head only slightly.
RIGHT?
“I’m….it’s not them…it’s….”
“You need to say something…. For me…for her…. And for yourself.”
“What if…..”
“I’m seeing Daddy for the first time and I’m so scared, Gar…. But I’ll die if I don’t ….this is who I am, Gar…. You know that. So you know …. You have to say something.”
For the first time in a long while Hailey felt like the stronger twin, but really they shared strength to strength all the time. By now she had composed herself, and her tears were not about her…not for her. And Gary was about as big a mess as any boy his age who is scared and confused and in no man’s land. He bit his lip; trying not to cry was something he usually did well but, as Aragorn might say, ‘it was not that day.’
“I’m hungry. I didn’t really eat much and I need to.” Hailey didn’t wait for a response and she didn’t add the last thing she was thinking as she left; though it was a struggle not to say it out loud.
I’ll say you want to talk…
Meanwhile, at the restaurant….
“So what do we do now, Chris?”
“I guess we just keep doing what you’ve already been doing. I can only hope she can forgive me…. That they all forgive me…. “ he looked away and repeated.
“That she can forgive me.”
“They wouldn’t miss you if they didn’t love you, Chris. They will and she will, okay?”
“Oh….okay.” He took a swig of water and ignored the barely touched bottle of ale.
“Let’s go home.’ Gina said, handing Chris the keys.
Back at the Edwards’ home…
Danny glanced back and forth between Dylan and Cristyn; had they always looked so much alike? He smiled and took a deep breath; all the while hoping that his brother and sister-in-law would accept the invitation to the most intriguing family dinner they might ever attend. He tapped the pre-set on the phone.
“Andy? Yeah….About tomorrow? Why don’t you come for dinner?“ Danny put his hand over the phone and nodded to Dylan.
“Righr …yeah….Mefus just picked up a roast…yeah…. Hugh and Davy, too? Three is perfect. Dinner at four. Yeah…okay….love you, too” He smiled at Dylan and shook his head as he placed the receiver on the cradle. As he walked over to his niece, he recalled a line from a favorite movie and laughed.
“What’s so funny, oh light of my life?” Mefus asked.
“Just a line from Princess Bride? ‘I’ll take a miracle?’” Mefus laughed softly and Dylan swallowed hard before saying at last, “Have fun stormin’ the transgender castle,” which, while nervous still gave everyone a much-needed laugh.
“Dylan?” She turned to see Hailey standing behind her.
“Gary has something he needs to tell you… you guys were all a big help to me just now and I think he needs to tell you something too?” As she spoke, Cristyn arched her left eyebrow in both recognition and on behalf of her own conspiracy. Dylan took a few steps down the hall before hesitating. She turned without word; her expression and posture instead asking ‘Are you sure?’
“Go ahead, Cuz.” Cristyn said. As Dylan continued down the hall, Cristyn walked to Hailey and grabbed her hand before waving to Danny.
“Mom? Dad? Hailey and I have something we need to tell you.” A look of fear crossed Hailey’s face. Danny and Mefus looked at each other and then to their daughter and their daughter’s best friend. Danny nodded at Cristyn and smiled kindly as only a father can. And true to form, Hailey burst into tears and ran; but this time happily into the arms of her girlfriend’s parents…
A short while later…
“Uh…. Ga….Gary?” Dylan stood nervously in the doorway of her cousin’s bedroom. She shook at the sight of the boy sitting on the bed. Her tremors were almost imperceptible, though, and the glow of the hallway light behind her seemed to give her an angelic appearance… A picture which did nothing to diminish the anxious look on the boy’s face.
“Oh….hi,” he said almost nonchalantly despite the hornets crashing hard inside his stomach. He looked at the girl and noticed she was wearing lip gloss; pink and shiny and altogether unexpected and provocative; at least to him. To be truthful on her behalf, it was just a bit of balm to deal with very dry lips borne out of nervous chewing. She was overwhelmed already by the fear of showing herself finally to her parents and brothers. But it was exponentially compounded by the first (and last) crush she would ever have.
“Your sis says you wanted to….to tell me?” Her voice broke as he stood up. He turned away; almost looking at the wall behind him for a secret passageway of escape. A boy shouldn’t like boys…. Right? Had he more time alone he would certainly conclude that wasn’t true; his mom and dad raised him better than that at the very least. But he didn’t have any more time alone to think about the girl in the doorway. He went to speak but all he could do was stammer,
“Uh…uh….”
“It’s okay. I can…. I’ll just…..” She went to back away but her feet got tangled and she fell down; banging her head hard on the door jamb. She looked at him and began to cry. And Gary did what any boy who is confused with a newly sorted-out attraction to one girl in particular would do. He ran to her and offered his hand; smiling nervously. She shook her head no even as she accepted his offer; rising a bit unsteadily to her feet.
Down the hall, Danny had heard the soft thunk of Dylan’s head against the hallway carpet and went to respond but his wife grabbed his arm.
“I think he’s got it covered,” Mefus said; pointing to the two down the hall. He nodded and smiled.
“You…you okay?” Gary asked nervously. Dylan looked at him and did what any girl with a crush would do in that circumstance. She cried harder, but instead of pulling away she leaned on his shoulder. If they had been just a wee bit older, the moment would have not only demanded but strongly pushed them into a kiss.
But a hug by a boy who sees you as who you are and who is also nice enough to rub your back and say kind things that only girls might appreciate? She was just fine even as she sobbed in his arms. And her aunt looked upward and breathed out a thank you before turning attention back to the drama unfolding in front of her….
At the Venturini home around nine-ish….
Mom? Daddy……” Bonnie walked in the front door; almost gleeful in anticipation. Two figures lay asleep on the couch. As much as she wanted to her father for a welcome home hug, the scene was just too precious to disturb. She turned and went to walk down the hall, but Gina had already nudged Chris awake, and the two quickly ran to Bonnie.
“Hi….” Was all Chris could get out before he pulled her into a hug; crying like the prodigal he had become.
“I love, you Daddy…It…it’s okay.” The child became a parent for the moment as she and her mother held Chris close. Too many lifetimes ago with too many departures and too much pain and horror for even one hundred men to bear; accompanied by guilt and shame wrought by his own choices and pride.
“It’s okay, honey…let it go.” Gina said softly as she and Bonnie led him into the kitchen. Bonnie put on the kettle as Gina eased Chris into a kitchen chair at the table. He looked over at his youngest before resting his head on Gina’s arm as he sobbed hard enough to shake the table. It wasn’t nearly the welcome Gina had planned for her husband, but it was exactly what he needed. She stood up and draped her body over his, weeping tears of joy and relief that seemed to comfort him.
And Bonnie also wept, but softly; relieved for herself and her mother and her brother. But anxious and sad for what might play out when her father finally met her sister for the first time.
Meanwhile, at the Edwards home….
Cristyn stood just a wee bit to the side and back of Hailey; an almost imperceptible tremor in her hands likely from the worry over her mother’s ‘now what?’ look. Danny waved to gain his wife’s attention; her eyes darting back and forth between her daughter and Hailey. She turned and spoke.
“Oh…sorry…. No prob, honey,’ she said as she waved back to her husband.
“Mom….Momm…meee?” Cristyn shook more; evoking a hug from Hailey, who in turn shook her head in question as she stared at her best friend’s parents. Danny stepped over and grabbed his wife’s hands while shooting a welcoming smile to both girls.
“Now there’s a surprise,” Danny said. Mefus looked at him and tried to glare but soon began to giggle.
“Now there, oh husband of mine. Plain it’s always been mewn cariad. I think I would have really been surprised if they didn’t have the same love they had when we didn’t know Hailey was… Hailey?” She giggled a bit before motioning the girls closer.
“Children…. fynd ag ef yn araf.” Hailey’s eyes widened in worry until Danny noticed and spoke.
“Not ‘no,’ sweet girl. Take it slow.”
“Take....it...slow?” Both girls spoke in unison. Danny and Mefus nodded; also in unison, and accompanied by two equally blessing smiles.
“Oh, Mommy.....” Cristyn gasped.
“Honey? We trusted you when you were....when you were Christopher. Why would we not trust.. Why would we not love you now?" Danny stepped closer and pulled his daughter’s girlfriend into a hug.
‘Now for a way to explain this all.....” Mefus nterjected; her motherly tears intersersed with continued relieved laughter. Danny looked heavenward and sighed a silent prayer....
“Are you ...are you okay? I’m sorry....” Gary sat on the bed across from Dylan, who was sitting in the desk chair by the door; her head resting against the wall. She looked at him and down at herself as if she owed him an explanation.
“I’m sorry.” She echoed.
“Why.... you were surprised. And I haven’t exactly been nice to you. I don’t blame you....it’s my fault.’
“No.... I .... I don’t want to be like this all the time,” Dylan said. She looked down at herself again in a needless reproach.
“I’m sorry you feel....like that all the time....” Gary stammered. Looked away even as he added in correction,
“You don’t feel like anyone will..... like how I treated Hailey at first and even you at the camp when we met. That no one would accept you? That... oh fuck,” he continued.
“I just want....” she started but stopped in mid-sentence with a gasp.
“I .... accept who you are, Dylan and.... I’m sorry I didn’t see that sooner.... since it .... since I hurt you. I.... oh fuck,” he repeated. She winced; not at the words, but at the never-hoped-for sentiment. She put her head down only to feel an unfamiliar touch on her cheek. More brother to sister at that point, but leaving room for both to look forward to the possibilty of more. She raised her head to find him smiling. He leaned closer and gave her a Galadriel-like kiss on the forehead. And she did exactly what she did only minutes before; falling into his arms in now relieved tears....
I tried to paint you a picture, the colors were all wrong
Black and white didn't fit you and all along,
You were shaded with patience, your strokes of everything
That I need just to make it, but I can see that...
Lord knows I failed you time and again,
But you and me are alright
To be continued....
All We Are - Reprise
words and music by
Marshall Altman and the performer,
Matt Nathanson
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRwjdJVyHkA
All We Are- Reprise
words and music by
Tim Myers and Ryan Redder
Performed by
One Republic
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F6GZEHyvzSE
Previously, at Cristyn Edwards’ house…
“No.... I.... I don’t want to be like this all the time,” Dylan said. She looked down at herself again in a needless reproach.
“I’m sorry you feel....like that all the time....” Gary stammered. He looked away even as he added in correction,
“You don’t feel like anyone will..... like how I treated Hailey at first and even you at the camp when we met. That no one would accept you? That... oh fuck,” he continued.
“I just want....” she started but stopped in mid-sentence with a gasp.
“I .... accept who you are, Dylan and.... I’m sorry I didn’t see that sooner.... since it.... since I hurt you. I.... oh fuck,” he repeated.
She winced; not at the words, but at the never-hoped-for sentiment. She put her head down only to feel an unfamiliar touch on her cheek. More brother-to-sister at that point, but leaving room for both to look forward to the possibility of more. She raised her head to find him smiling. He leaned closer and gave her a Galadriel-like kiss on the forehead. And she did exactly what she did only minutes before; falling into his arms in now relieved tears....
“Hello? Gina?” Mefus sighed; half-relieved, but anxious as well.
“I… I know this is asking a lot…. Your husband is back….. We’re having dinner with my in-laws… yes, that’s right. Hailey…. Yes…my niece…. You understand more than most I’ll bet. Hailey’s …. Yes…. She’s needing some help, and I think if your husband met my niece?” she paused as Gina answered.
“What… did I hear you right? He wants to …sure.” Mefus turned to Hailey and smiled.
“Your father wants to talk to you.” She handed the phone to the girl.
“Dad….?” Hailey shook her head; the very first conversation with her father would seem to be so impersonal over what ironically was a smart phone, since she didn’t feel smart at all. She winced in anticipation of the rebuke that not only didn’t come but never would again.
“Dad….. Daddy? What? You…. I’m not your son?” She winced again until she realized what he was telling her.
“I’m….I’m a girl? I’m your girl? You… accept me?” She turned toward her friends; shaking her head once again.
“He….accepts me….”
It wasn’t a bad thing, but a revelation of such importance should have been done face to face. Mefus looked askance; feeling confused; even helpless as to what to say. Hailey’s eyes teared up, but not in anticipated joy.
“I….all he had to say…. All he needed to tell me…..He accepts me? He hasn’t… still the same…all about him…” She began to shake. Mefus went to hug her and but the girl turned her back.
“Nooo…” she stammered but still reached back as Mefus placed her hand on the girl’s shoulder.
“He still thinks…..fuck….he accepts me?” Hailey repeated
“Like he’s doing me a favor? I hate myself and ….he hates me too. Why can’t he just love me? What the…..It’s not my fault I’m this way…. I just want him to love me!”
She handed the phone to Mefus and ran down the hall to the new safety of her girlfriend’s bedroom. Mefus shook her head in continued frustration; worried for how the girl would be received and fearful over how Dylan’s family might react tomorrow.
“Hello? Oh…. Hello again, Gina. No… She…. She’s down the hall crying her eyes out. I know…. I was … yes? My daughter wanted to know if…. No….yes? One sec?” Mefus said. She turned to Danny.
“They’re coming over to pick up the twins. Can you let them know?” He nodded and walked down the hall….
Danny knocked on Cristyn’s door. A moment later his daughter appeared. She smiled weakly and opened the door further; inviting her father in. He kissed her forehead and walked over to the bed. Dylan and Hailey were sitting in a sideways hug; it was hard to determine who was consoling whom, since both had tear-stained faces. Gary sat in the armchair in the corner of the bedroom; his face cast down and almost hidden.
“I … I don’t know what to say, Mr. Edwards,” the boy sighed.
“Why did God make us this way?” It seemed odd, since Hailey was the twin with the problem, but Danny understood Gary.
“All we are? We are who we are, Gary. You’re exactly who you were meant to be. Your sister has discovered who she was meant to be. Just like my daughter and her cousin.” At Danny’s words, Gary lifted his head and looked at his sister and her new friend. He turned back and looked Danny in the eyes and shrugged his shoulders in shame; not for his feelings for Dylan but for his behavior.
“I’m so sorry, Mr. Edwards. I’m….” He stood up quickly and went to walk past Danny and out, but the man stood his ground.
“I know, Gary. I think everyone knows. We’re all learning about ourselves, and that’s a good thing. And we all change; for the better, God willing.” Gary shook his head no.
“Sorry, but you’re caught, and there’s nothing left to do but agree. You’re a fine young man and I bet if you ask your sister she’ll say you’re a good brother as well.” The boy turned and looked at Hailey and Dylan, and both girls were still crying, but two welcome smiles had crossed both their faces as they nodded at Danny’s words.
“Your Mom and Dad are on their way over to pick you up. I’ll be back when they arrive,” he finished and walked out and down the hallway.
Danny walked into the kitchen and grabbed two bottles of water before walking into the living room. Mefus was leaning on the arm of the couch, staring at the cell phone. Danny tilted his head in question.
“Well…. Gina said that her husband… Chris…. Realized how…. How ….” Mefus stammered; her voice mixed equally in tones of sadness and anger.
“I pretty much figured out … It’s new. He’s sorry… So he just blurted out his acceptance after how many other times of telling her how wrong she’s been. No wonder she was bawling her eyes out.”
“Well, wouldn’t you,” Mefus snapped at him but shook her head.
“Sorry. It’s just that I’m afraid that your crusader of a brother isn’t going to be understanding. Maybe we should just back off?”
“NO!” a voice interrupted. Mefus turned to find Danny had come out and was sitting at the kitchen table around the corner from where she and Danny stood.
“I can’t wait. I … I need to know. I don’t care anymore,” she said before burying her face in her arms on the table as she sobbed. They walked over and Mefus draped herself over Dylan in a protective hug. When hurt and disappointment are part of anyone’s routine much less a gender conflicted teen, not ‘caring’ all too often means they’re so weary that they are too hurt and too tired to keep trying.
“Bydd yn iawn ferch , gwerthfawr,” Mefus said as the girl continued to weep in her embrace. Dylan was indeed a precious girl, as was Hailey. She could only hope and pray on everyone’s behalf that Dylan’s family would realize how precious and how indeed a girl she was and that everything would be alright.
“Bydd yn iawn ferch , gwerthfawr,” Danny echoed Mefus. She looked up to see him smiling broadly; his eyes twinkling as if to say, you too, dear wife, you too…
At the Venturini home, 9:12 pm…
Chris sat on the couch; sandwiched between Gina and Bonnie; looking less lost than only a hour before.
“She must hate me…” His voice trailed off, but was followed quickly with a rebuke from his daughter.
“No, Daddy. She thinks you hate her. And she...the only person she hates is herself.“ Bonnie went to stand up but instead leaned close.
“Nobody hates you….We’re….so….we’re angry ‘cause everybody has been more important than us. Everything.”
“I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’m so sorry.” He pled. Gina grabbed his arm.
“We know that. But this doesn’t get easy just because you’re sorry.” His eyes widened in hurt until he nodded.
“I just don’t know what to say…to do.”
“I have a brother, Daddy…He thinks there’s something wrong with him because he has two sisters.”
“What? That’s…..’
“Let me finish. He has two sisters that he loves and he’s afraid you…that you are angry with him and that he’s lost you!” Gina gasped at the sad realization of just how sensitive and hurt Bonnie was on behalf of her siblings.
“That’s crazy! I don’t feel that way,” Chris argued. Gina glared at him. She wiped angry tears away with the back of her hand.
“How would he know that when you refused to go to counseling when Hailey first told us? Or how all your letters never once used her name. What did you say? ‘The boys must be such a help to you and Bonnie!’ It’s not about being sorry, Chris.” He stared at her.
“This…“ she spoke even as she pulled out her cell phone and hit called ID.
“Hello? Mefus? Hi… sorry to bother you so late? What? Hailey isn’t….I’m okay with the twins staying overnight, but I have a huge…yes, favor…how?” Gina breathed out a heavy sigh as she listened.
“Tomorrow morning? Ok. Gosh, you’re a lifesaver. Ten? Yes? Th…thanks. Ten it is?” She clicked ‘off’ and leaned into her husband while reaching over to grab Connie’s hand/
“Mommy? Are you okay?” Bonnie asked as Gina began to cry.
“Yes baby….oh yes….”
At the Edwards home, 10:43 pm...
Dylan had fallen into a fitful rest on the couch, and Mefus placed a plush blanket over her. She had cried until sleep took her; comforted somewhat by a very worn stuffed toy do she had managed to smuggle from home. Danny walked over and he held his wife’s hand as they said a quick prayer for their niece before walking down the hall to Cristyn’s bedroom where they beheld a similar scene.
Gary had fallen asleep sitting up in the chair in the corner nearest the bedroom window; a sentinel on guard for the two girls who had drifted off in a still innocent sisterly cuddle. Their faces were a portrait of opposites. Hailey was murmuring restlessly; barely under, so to speak. Cristyn’s countenance, however, was about as peaceful as Mefus and Danny had ever seen her; the quiet confidence that their only child often displayed when even their own faith had waned.
“We can only hope this all comes together for everyone’s sake, my dear bride,” Danny said iin a near-prayer.
“I will not say, ‘God willing.’ I have to believe it already is God's will that your brother and this poor girl’s father will see the light.” Mefus turned away and began to weep.
“What…manner of man?” she stammered.
“What manner of man turns his back on his own child? If we….” She gasped. Danny pulled her into as protective a hug as he could manage; his own grief never more than a thought away as he pictured their other girl. Gwynneth; taken at seven from leukemia before Cristyn had turned five; her absence still painful, and yet a reminder in their sleeping daughter urged them toward a difficult yet needful gratitude at the same time.
“I swear, Danny! If they don’t want Dylan? She….she can be….ours?”
“I know, my love, but maybe…just maybe there’s hope for her and our girl’s friend here? As much as I’d love another daughter, let’s hope it’s in this one here someday with our Cristyn, and that Dylan’s Mum and Dad fall in love with that precious girl asleep on our couch, yes?”
Mefus looked into her husband’s eyes and gained a huge measure of peace, but she still felt the ever-present painful tug in her heart for the little girl who should have been asleep in the room instead of heaven. Danny pulled her closer and spoke softly even as his own tears fell.
“I know….I miss her too….so, so much.”
All we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful
To be continued….
All We Are – Reprise
words and music by
Marshall Altman and the performer,
Matt Nathanson
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRwjdJVyHkA