or does it?
Admin Note: Originally published on BigCloset TopShelf on Tuesday, 11/15/2016 - 10:30:13 PM.(-0400), Robbie's Revelation was pulled out of the closet, and re-presented for our newer readers to enjoy. ~Sephrena
I must have been in a really pleasant dream when my alarm clock sounded and woke me up a few minutes ago. I had been sitting here on the side of my bed trying for the life of me what the dream was about for a few minutes. This peaceful feeling, I had woken up with was quite uncommon for me for the last few years. It almost bordered on being happy. Happy and peaceful are not emotions I am used to and it made me feel uneasy. To say that I have issues would be quite an understatement. What most people don’t realized that every single time in my life I was actually happy, just seemed to be a forbearer of horrible things to come. Being happy basically frightens me. As I sat there taking a few minutes to fully wake up and get my bearings for the day, those uncomfortable emotions quickly faded to be replaced by my normal feelings of dread and anxiety. I know that most people, would be really bothered with that, but not me. I’ve lived with my anxieties for long enough that I’ve turned it into something I can use, I wear that shit like armor. Armor that nothing can get through, or at least so I thought at the time. The past several months though I could feel that iron clad suit of armor I had crafted start to crack, and my answer was to sink even further into my self-imposed depression.
After a while I noticed my clock was reading 5:30, and knowing my parents would be up exactly at six, I had to get my butt in gear. While I was waiting for the shower to warm up I hesitantly stared at myself in the mirror. As I took in my reflection I could feel my anxiety start to build some more. Thanks to my last growth spurt that started right at the end of my ninth-grade year I had jumped to 5’ 11”. If that had been it though I would have been ecstatic, but the growth fairy also sprinkled its dust in other areas. Areas that were getting increasingly more difficult to hide, some to the point of being painful to do so. Once the shower had warmed up I quickly got to business and was drying off just minutes later.
As I made it back to my room I started the process of getting ready for the day. I can barely remember what it was like from before, when I could simply just put clothes on and go out the door. Now it can sometimes take me 45 minutes before I feel comfortable enough to leave the safety of my room. Tending to one of the areas that also had spouted, I started binding my breasts. I honestly had no idea just what size they were, ever since they started to grow I tried to ignore them. Up until a few months ago that had worked, but then they got big enough I had to hide them. I couldn’t let anyone see them, I was a guy damn it! I was supposed to be one at least, or so I thought. It took me almost half an hour just to get them properly bound to where no one would be able to notice them. Getting the rest of my clothes on I was thankful we were finally into fall, wearing long sleeves and pants during the summer here in Mississippi sucked. Dressing took a lot less time than binding, it only took a baggy sweatshirt and overly relaxed fit jeans and to complete my deception. Looking in the mirror I was pleased with my effort. While not overly masculine there weren’t any obvious signs of anything feminine in my reflection, I headed to grab breakfast.
Walking into the kitchen I noticed my parents sitting down eating, as always Mom working a crossword and Pop, what I call my step-dad, with his morning paper. Trying my best to not disturb them I sat as quietly as possible with my breakfast and began to eat. Before I was even a quarter way through my food my Mom started trying to make small talk, which is what I was trying to avoid. I just don’t know what to say to her anymore. We used to be so close and now I’m so afraid of disappointing her any further than I already have. The shame I felt on that fateful day when they learned the truth about what was going on with me still sticks with me. The hurt in their eyes that day still haunts me, I can’t risk hurting them anymore than I already have.
“Morning Robbie, did you sleep well?” she asked still staring at her crossword puzzle. I never know if she is just that engrossed in her puzzle or she just can’t bear to look at her son. My anxiety always makes me think the latter. God why couldn’t I be a real son to them.
“As good as normal I guess, my run yesterday evening took a lot out of me so I slept like a log.” I responded with a mouthful of food. My running, along with regular exercise, has become sort of an addiction to me. What started out simply as a way to try to build muscle and to reduce all the fatty deposits my body had started building has become something I did now to punish my body. The more my body rebelled against me, the more I tried to hurt it.
“You know you push yourself too hard, I’m afraid you’re going to hurt yourself. You never do anything other than school, study, or exercise. Why don’t you ever go spend time with your friends?” she asked.
“MOM! You know why I can’t do that? What if I slip up and someone sees my…? Or someone figures out that I’m a… I mean what will happen if the truth comes out? Life is hard enough as it is! I just can’t risk it Mom, I CAN’T!!” I said in a slightly panicked tone almost hyperventilating. Taking a few moments to get my pulse and breathing to start slowing back down, and also to fight back the tears that were trying to form. I just said, “Besides Jennifer asked if I could help her this Saturday with her Biology test coming up. So, I’ll be out of the house for a few hours.”
“Well that’s good I guess” She sighed, returning to her puzzle and letting me finish my food in peace.
As hard as I tried to just finish eating without thinking about the conversation my mind kept drifting back to Jennifer. She had at one time been one of my closest friends right up until my puberty hit. The more my body started changed the more withdrawn I became, Jen was the only person that kept trying to be my friend. I was never able to fully push her away though, no matter how hard I tried. While I kept trying to retreat further into my protective shield, she actually flourished when she started puberty. She had gone from a rough and tumble rail thin tomboy to one of the most gorgeous girls in the school, so she had people lined up trying to be her friend. While I wished, we could be the friends we used to, I also knew that was impossible. I don’t think I could survive her total rejection if she found out, so we were relegated to just study and lab partners. It just was the way it had to be.
Suddenly I was pulled out of my thoughts by Pop clearing his throat and saying, “Umm Son? If you don’t get a move on you’re going to end up late for school.”
I just nodded and shoveled the last few bites down and rinsed off my plate. I gave them both a half-hearted hug goodbye, mostly because I was self-conscious of the multiple ace bandages wrapping my upper torso like a mummy. As I was headed out the door the pain from the binding had already started I just mumbled as I headed out to my car, “This is going to be a long ass day if this is starting already”.
Thankfully, when I pulled my dilapidated old Ghia into my parking spot at school, I saw I had 15 minutes to spare. Thanks to being a lowly sophomore our parking was the lot furthest from anything other than the football practice field, I was going to need almost all that time just to get to my locker and my first class. It would probably be easier if I didn’t have to always take different routes to my classes. If I was predictable it would just make it easier for the bullies that have targeted me to find me. That’s just one of the many things I’ve picked up for self-preservation, forcing myself into my loner exile has made me more noticed by the lesser than honorable crowd.
Thankfully my first class was my AP biology, and I made it with just seconds to spare. As I plopped into my seat next to Jennifer, I winced from the discomfort in my chest and from sitting too fast. Jennifer noticed and asked, “Are you okay? Did the Chris’s get ahold of you already?” She was referring to the two biggest pains in my life, well other than boob one and boob two. Chris Jenkins, and Chris Jacobs were two guys that believed that both of them against one was a fair fight, just as long as they picked on someone they thought they could take solo. I was lucky enough to have been their main target since middle school.
I just shook my head and told her, “Nah, they couldn’t find me this morning, even if they could I doubt they could catch me. I had just overdone it last night and pulled something, I’m okay”.
I could tell that she didn’t believe me, she just sadly smiled and said, “Okay if you say so, now stop talking cause you’re going to get us both into trouble!” I just rolled my eyes at that, and then started to try to focus on the teacher. At least for the next hour I can focus on something elses biology instead of my own. Today it was flatworms, I can live with that. I wish this class could last all day, it’s the only one difficult enough for me to keep me engaged and not drift in my own thoughts.
The next three classes were the more basic courses, US History, English, French II, and Band. While I disliked band, it was either that or PE, and THAT surely wasn’t going to happen. Through those classes I could feel myself sinking even further to the point I was starting to even worry myself. I kept telling myself to just man up and suck it up I’ll be fine. Even I didn’t believe that anymore though.
Lunch was one of the more dangerous times for me, too many other people in one space for me to hide effectively. I was at the mercy of my own luck, which I had no faith in other than it being bad luck. Once I grabbed my food I headed to one of the corner tables so I could keep an eye on everyone. One thing I had read in one of my self-defense books the best way to keep out of trouble was situational awareness, so I kept my head on a swivel. It was then I noticed Jennifer looking dead at me and walking towards me with a very determined expression. Since the only time we ever associated anymore was the two classes we had together and the occasional study sessions at either her or my house, I was confused to say the least. I mean she’s popular and has popular friends, people that wouldn’t even notice me if they stepped on me. As she sat down at the table directly opposite from me I just stared at her in disbelief.
“Robbie will you please tell me what’s going on with you? I can’t just sit back anymore and do nothing. I’ve been worrying about you for a while, but lately you’ve really started scaring me!” She pleaded.
Still in shock I respond, “Jennifer just what the hell are you doing here? What if your friends see you talking to me? Aren’t you worried what they might say? Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine!” I tried to sound as confident as possible.
“Dammit drop the bullshit!! I know you’re not okay and you haven’t been for a while. I’ve watched you go from being this amazingly funny outgoing person, someone who was my best friend in the whole world. I watched you start pushing your friends away, Hell you did the best to push me away and I wouldn’t let you!! Do you know why? Because deep down inside of you I know my best friend is still there, but for some reason you’ve locked him away! For the last time please tell me what’s wrong!! I want to help you!” She exclaimed. I could see tears starting to form in her eyes.
I tried to respond, but the words just kept catching in my throat. I had hurt my parents, and now I realized how badly I had hurt Jennifer as well. My spirits sunk even lower than I thought was possible. I finally managed to get out, “I um... Jennifer, you see... I wish I could tell you...” Sighing, I wiped the tears that had started to leak out of my eyes. I finally came to realize that the best way to protect her from me hurting her anymore, was to finally force our strained friendship to be over. You know that thought of just one big hurt instead of continuous little hurts would be kinder. I finally looked at her and calmly stated, “I’m sorry I can’t tell you, I can’t tell anyone. The best thing you could do is to just walk away and forget I ever existed!”
“Dammit Robbie you know I can’t do that! Do you know the jocks have started a suicide pool on you? I’m not the only one that sees that you’re in trouble!! Those assholes are betting on the day you’re going to kill yourself! I’m trying to be your friend, please let me!” she pleaded.
Still sure it was the best thing to do, I coldly stated, “Really? Tell me what day you picked and I’ll see if I can help you make some extra money. One friend to another.”
The hurt I saw in her eyes felt like it pierced my very soul. With both hands covering her mouth she stood up and started glaring at me. Finally, she yelled’ “I would never!! How dare you even think that I’d!! That’s it you fucking asshole!! You want me gone, I’m gone!!”
At the commotion, I noticed almost every eye was on me. This isn’t going to be good at all, I had just made one of the friendliest most popular girls in my class cry in front of the whole lunchroom. I should have been filled with fear, now I would have more than just the bullies after me for what I just did. All I could think of if I was really protecting her, why did I have to hurt her so badly. After a moment, I steeled my resolved, thinking she will be better off this way.
I wish I could say I evaded any beatings, but as I finally sat down in Health Class, my last class of the day, I had suffered several confrontations. At least the jocks knew where not to leave visible marks on me. A minute later Jennifer came in and took her seat next to me and refused to look at me. I could see her eyes were still red and puffy. I realized that after what I did, I deserved the beatings I got and will continue to receive for hurting her.
Coach Mason came in right before the bell rang and started the class. As much as I loved biology, because of learning about all the different species of animals and their anatomy, I hated Health due to my own. No matter though how much I hated this class I do admire the Coach. She was the girls’ softball coach and stereotypically the rumor mill assured everyone that she was a lesbian. Coach never did anything to dissuade that notion, and I figured she really was from how her lectures could border on the line of something that would probably get her fired. Today was no exception.
We had been learning about the human reproduction system this week. Some of the jokers in the class would make comments about gay’s being wrong since they couldn’t reproduce, blah blah blah. What can you expect from a bunch of unruly rednecks in Mississippi during the late 80’s, they were just trying to get under her skin. I will give it to Coach, she could always bring the conversations back to where it should be, but she would always tiptoe that line talking about those alternative lifestyles for a few. That brings us to today’s topic.
We were finishing up with the topic of female reproductive organs, which I had ignored totally. That was the last thing I wanted to discuss. Half way through the class, one of the troublemakers asked the question what about those that have both? I just cringed, mostly because I was afraid that Coach would want us to walk down this path. I hate it when my fears are right.
Coach Mason then tells us all about anomalies that occur in humans and animals alike, hermaphrodites were one example. One of the guys jokingly brought up transsexuals, asking something along the lines how do you expect us to believe that’s real?? At this point I’m doing everything I can to ignore the discussion and just squish down even further in my seat. I tried to play it off as it was just hot in the room and I had a sweatshirt on, but I was also sweating profusely. Even Jennifer noticed that, and kind gave me a worried look. The conversation kept on.
It was at the moment Coach was talking about intersex individuals, how some people could be born with both sex organs but one set would stay dormant or only partially formed. I was white knuckled clutching my desk just trying not to pass out. Then I heard Coach say “Some intersexed people could even grow up thinking they were one sex, but then they would start to develop as the other. For example, a guy could hit puberty but then would start developing female secondary sexual characteristics”
I heard a girl in class, I think it was Alicia, then exclaim, “Oh my God! That sounds like it would be so confusing, that would be so horrible!!”
In my near full blown panic attack, when I heard her ask that question I simply thought, you have no freaking idea!!
I was so focused trying to maintain a calm composure, it took me a moment to realize how quiet it had gotten in the classroom. As I looked around I noticed several people near me just staring at me, and then I saw Jennifer. Her face was a mix of shock, surprise, but then I saw it in her eyes. It was realization and she was staring directly at me. At that moment, I knew exactly what had happened, I didn’t think those words I said them.
It probably comes as no surprise the next words out of my mouth were, “OH SHIT!!”
Afternoon of Friday 2nd, October 1987.
“Oh shit oh shit oh shit!!” Kept running through my head, what did I just do? I stared around and most of the people that were looking at me had a what did he say look on their face, the others were just the look of annoyance I regularly received. Jennifer’s stare at me, on the other hand, had a completely different look. She heard what I said, and related it to what was just asked in class. Oh god I am so done! I felt that impenetrable armor that I had crafted over the years from my anger, fear, anxiety shattering. I felt that the class had picked up the conversation again, but I was oblivious and just stared at my hands until the final bell rang. I just started throwing all my stuff in my backpack to get out of there as quickly as humanly possible, my fight or flight response was in high gear and it was screaming flight!
Jennifer gently put her hand on my arm and quietly said, “Robbie we have to talk about this now, I think I understand a little bit.”
I just looked at her, and shook my head no. Tears were streaming down my face now and I didn’t trust my voice at the moment to say anything. I just gently touched her hand on my arm for a minute and easily lifted it off my arm never breaking eye contact with her. Once I let go of her hand I fled out of the room and headed straight to my car.
When I got out of the building I was walking as fast as I dared without breaking into a full jog even though my flight response was in high gear. I heard Jennifer behind me, telling me to wait up, but I just kept my pace. When I approached the sophomore lot I saw three pretty big guys I knew and it looked like they were waiting for something, I had a good idea of what they were waiting for. I knew I could thank my performance in the lunch room for this, these guys never really bothered me except to ask for answers in class. Dammit I don’t have time for this, I’ve never confronted or stood up to anyone before. My preferred response is deception and evasion, but hey this looks like today is going to be a lot of firsts. If I’m lucky they’ll take me out with the first punch.
“Hey we want a word with you, asshole!” Scott yelled out. All three of them were on the football team and Scott was the QB, David a running back, and Perk, no clue what his real name was, a 270lb senior who was the offensive line pretty much.
Strangely enough I felt no fear at this point, just anger. Anger at my slip up, anger at God for cursing me like this, hell at the moment I could have been pissed the sun was shining. It just didn’t matter. As I tried to just brush past them I growled, “Leave me alone guys, now is not the time!”
It was at this moment it felt like time stood still. Perk grabbed my arm spun me around demanding to know what I did to upset Jennifer. As I finished up facing the biggest one of the three, all the self-defense books I’ve read and studied must have just poured out and I drove my thumb as hard as I could into his solar plexus dropping him like a sack of potatoes. David then tried to grab my other arm, and as I swept my leg behind his knees I drove my elbow directly into his chest and he hit the ground hard. Scott then stepped back holding his hands up in sheer surprise at seeing his two biggest and meanest looking friends taken down so quickly by someone like me.
With the adrenaline and all the emotions running through me, I shook my fist and yelled at him, “Leave! Me! The! Fuck! ALONE!”. I didn’t even notice or care that my voice, that I’ve practiced for several years now to make it sound like it had actually changed, slipped and it came out high sounding more like a shrill scream than a yell.
About at that moment Jennifer got to where we were standing, and was definitely shocked at what she saw. Scott still backing up with his hands still in the air. Then as I heard David and Perk start catching their breath and starting to get up, I took off. There is no way I’ll catch them off guard like that again. The flight response was back in full effect.
I finally got the rest of the way to my car and practically dove into the front seat. While I was trying to coax the stubborn old VW to life, my passenger door opened and Jennifer just plopped right down in the seat and shut the door. I stopped pumping the gas and turning the engine over just to glare at her. Finally, I said, “Just what do you think are you doing?”
“I’m not doing anything. You are giving me a ride home.” She stated it simply as fact, no asking, no begging, just that that is what’s going to happen and I have no say so in the matter. Defeated at this point I just slumped my shoulders and finally cranked up the old cantankerous 1600cc and started driving out.
After a minute or two she softly asked, “After everything that has happened today, will you talk to me now? I’m still here Robbie, and I’m not going anywhere.”
“Not while I’m driving, I’m already a mess and distracted enough.” Gesturing at the car, “Plus he’s ornery enough as is to drive, let alone talk right now”.
“He? Hmm, okay. Fine then we can talk when we get to my house.” After a few minutes went by she mused, “You definitely surprised a lot of people today by what you did to those three. I heard David telling the others that you were a lot stronger than you looked.”
With that said, even though I knew I was dead when my parents find out, I couldn’t suppress a small smile. Where the hell did that come from, I didn’t even know I had it in me to have done what I did to those guys. The rest of the ride to her house was in silence other than the putt, putt, putting of my little Ghia.
We had a few minutes of quiet after I shut down the car outside of her house, she was just intently looking at me waiting for me to speak. Trying to think of where to start, what to say, I just kept sputtering. I probably sounded a good bit like my car at this point. Finally I just say, “Jen... I want to tell you; I just don’t know where to start. You’ll hate me if I do... I just cant...”
Before I could get the rest of it out, she smoothly snatched my keys out of the ignition, and slid out of the car. Before she closed the door, she said, “Dammit you’re going to either talk or walk. It can’t be but 4 or 5 miles to walk”. With that she slammed the door and started heading towards her house. I screamed and hit the steering wheel for about 15 seconds. If she wants to know what’s going on, then FINE! I’ll tell her everything and I mean everything. After she knows the truth she won’t want to have anything to do with me, she couldn’t, could she? With fresh tears forming on my cheeks I slowly start heading into her house.
As I stepped into her living room, I saw she was already in the kitchen fixing some drinks for us. She handed me some Kleenex when she brought the drinks into the living room. I asked if I could call my Mom at work and let her know I’m here because this will take a while. She just nodded so I made the call using a major test next week as an excuse for extra study time. Mom seemed pleased I was starting to spend more time with her, even if it was only studying. Guess hope springs eternal with her or something to that effect. I returned to the living room and sat on the couch. Jennifer sat down next to me with an expectant, almost hopeful look on her face. When she noticed that I was trembling she gently and quietly laid her hand on my arm. With my resolve to keep my secret hidden from her gone, I started my story.
“Okay Jen, no more hiding and no more secrets, that’s what you wanted right?” she just nodded so I continued. “First off I’m going to tell you that you probably won’t believe me, hell I barely believe this myself and I’m the one its happening to. I’m not who you think I am, I mean, not what you think I am.” With me already messing this up she felt my arm tense up in frustration.
“Robbie just take it easy okay, I’m here and willing to listen. That’s bullshit though, because I know exactly who you are. You have been my best friend since we were 8 years old, I know exactly who you are even when your hiding behind that stupid wall you’ve built. Remember PNC’s, forever right?” She was referring to what our parents had said to us that we were just like partners-n-crime from day one. “As for what you are, I’m going to assume from your outburst in class that it had something to do with that conversation about intersex people, right? It can’t be as bad as you’ve been making it seem out to be.”
“It’s actually worse than you could guess.” I paused to wipe my eyes and take a sip of my coke she had given me. After a moment, she squeezed my arm prompting me to continue, “You see the guy that you see right now. Well. Um. He isn’t really a guy anymore, if I ever was one to begin with.”
“What do you mean not really a guy or if you were one to begin with? I’ve seen you naked back when we went skinny dipping in that pond behind your house, when we were what 10? I know that you’re a guy.”, she states as she glances down at my crotch, “I’ve seen it.”
“Do you remember that what you saw was incredibly small, like it had never grown any since I was a baby?” I said.
“Honestly Robbie,” she smiles” Yours is the only one I’ve seen so I don’t have a good size reference. Besides neither one of us cared about that then, I just remembered you had one.”
I had to smile at that memory, a genuine smile, which she noticed and returned one back to me. I placed my hand on top of hers that was on my arm and continued, “That was well before we knew something was wrong, because it never ever grew beyond the size it was when I was born. By the time I was 12 it was obvious that I wasn’t beginning puberty or that my, um thing, looked like it should be on a 2-week old baby. That’s when all the testing began and when my life started falling apart around me.” I started really trembling and started to cry, not just cry but a body wracking full blown sob. Jen didn’t say anything but just leaned in and hugged me till I was past it. When she sat back I could see she had been crying with me, so we just sat there for a minute still holding hands.
“I’m still here” was all she said and nodded for me to continue. So I pressed on.
“They did a lot of tests, including bloodwork, checking all my levels for like everything, other than my hormone levels being extremely lower than they should have been I was perfectly healthy, but that was the reason for my puberty and well, size problems. When they performed an ultrasound to see why my testicles haven’t dropped or to see why they weren’t functioning they found out that I had never had any to begin with. They also found a “void” that they didn’t understand what it was until later.” For some reason, I couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle at that, to which she appeared confused.
“Why is that funny? That would be so terrifying!” she exclaimed.
“Trust me it was at the time, just looking back now, this is the part where it starts getting really strange. I feel like I should have Rod Serling narrating this part.” I chuckle, “So the Docs believe that I just wasn’t born with testes so they suggested I immediately start being given testosterone and my body would start puberty and I could live a so called normal life. Hah normal!” I snorted.
“What went wrong? I mean you started puberty. I remember when your voice changed, that and you’ve gotten so tall and strong. I’m confused.”
Going for broke, I relaxed my voice as much as I could and stated, “My voice never changed, but I definitely started puberty”
She pulled back surprised, “Oh my God you sound like a.”
“Girl” I finished for her, “yeah I know. Plus, my Dad was really tall, and as for strong it’s just my insane addiction to exercising, I didn’t get those from puberty. As far as the rest, after about 3 months taking the testosterone I did start seeing changes, just not what we expected. My chest started getting puffy and sore, and my thing started shrinking, as if that was possible. I ended up getting another few weeks of tests before they figured out what was actually happening. Do you remember in health class when they said that all fetuses start out as female?” She nodded so I continued, “Well it turns out that my body can’t process the testosterone, something along the lines its missing the required enzyme or something that converts it to something the body can use. I wasn’t born without testicles; they had just never changed from being ovaries. They had been dormant, but the influx of testosterone signaled something and kick started them into overdrive. My estrogen levels were a bit high but right on track for a girl during puberty.” The brief moment of levity I experience at how fantastical I knew this all sounded was gone, I started to shake again with the weight of what I was about to tell her. Jennifer was too stunned to really say anything so she just nodded and gave my hand another squeeze.
My anxiety had returned full force and I couldn’t just sit there anymore so I stood up and started pacing as I finished, “Puberty kicked and in it kicked in hard. My breasts started growing, my thing kept shrinking. By the time I was 14 we “found out” what that void was. It was my fucking cervix that until then had also laid dormant!” I sobbed. Jen was just to stunned to do anything but sit there staring at me. After a moment I continued, “My body which had only barely been male from birth had started to revert to what it had started as! The “void” started to open up and the summer before I turned 15 I had to have surgery to finish opening it up because the danger of infection was too much!”
Finally getting it all off my chest, I collapsed to my knees and completely broke down. Hesitantly Jennifer came over to me and gingerly embraced me in a hug. I don’t know how long we stayed there, but it took a while for me to finish crying. She helped me stand up and while holding both my hands in hers she stared into my eyes. I don’t know if it was shock, fear, curiosity, but I definitely saw something in her eyes.
“So are you a girl or are you a guy, or maybe something in between”, she quietly asked.
“Jen. I have XY chromosomes so genetically I am a guy, I’m just a guy that started ovulating and menstruating a month after my 16th birthday. Look I understand if this freaks you out and you don’t want to see me ever again, but that is the truth. I’m so sorry I couldn’t tell you, I hope you understand why at least”, I said as I turned to start to leave.
She held on to my hands and spun me back around. “Robbie I don’t want you to leave, I told you I’m your friend and I will continue to prove it until you remember it yourself. You do understand this is a lot to take in, a lot of lots. I need to ask you a favor though, please.”
As I looked into her eyes I didn’t see fear, just compassion. I smiled and said, “Of course Jen, whatever you need okay.
She just simply said, “Robbie I need to see. Everything.”
Chapter 3
“What do you mean you want to see everything?!” I blurt out.
“Robbie please calm down.” She pleads, “You have to understand how everything you just said must sound to me. I’m trying to believe it, I really am, but it just sounds so impossible. I promise I won’t make fun of you, I just have to see, please. Besides we’ve already seen each other naked, remember? If everything you’re saying is true than you won’t have anything I can’t see on myself. Okay?”
I understood her concerns, and also her curiosity. We also have been skinny dipping a few times, but that was before, well everything. I’ve been this open with her, so I just nod slowly. I tell her quietly, “You have to understand how hard this is going to be for me, but I’ll do it. My parent’s haven’t even seen me like that since the surgery almost a year ago. So do you want me to just drop my clothes here in the living room? Your parent’s are due home soon aren’t they?”
She shook her head, “No, Dad is at some engineering conference in Seattle for the weekend and won’t be back till Tuesday. Mom is pulling a double, one of the ER nurses got her to cover for her, so she won’t be home till after 11. C’mon and we can go to my room okay?” She gently grabbed my hand and led me upstairs.
My heart was racing as we got to her room, she closed the door and locked it. “I guess no time like the present.” I muttered, and proceeded to take off my sweatshirt and grimaced from the discomfort from my bound chest. I could see the concern on her face but I continued. I pulled off my damp t-shirt, still wet from all my sweating today. My skin that was visible around the ace bandages were all splotchy and raw from the heat and irritation. “Oh my God” I heard her say. I asked her if she was still sure about this and she just nodded so I turned my back to her and started peeling off the bandages. I whimpered when the bandages came free and blood started flowing freely into my breasts again, this hurts worse than when I bind them.
“Are you ok?” She asked, concern obvious in her voice.
“Yeah they just complain for a bit after I let them free is all. Here goes nothing, you did say everything.”, I said. I stepped out of my socks and shoes and unclasped my belt. The oversize jeans then just fell off with only gravity helping. After I slid off my boxers I just stood there with my back to her taking some deep breaths I started to turn around. Even though I had my hands positioned to hide my nipples and my crotch, Jen’s eyes almost popped out of her head. “I told you” I remarked.
She gently pulled both of my hands to my side and stepped back covering her mouth with her hands, clearly stunned. I just stood there quietly as she took in my full breasts, my tightly muscled body, and my smooth crotch. A few moments later she slowly stepped forward with her hand reaching out, and before I realized what she was doing she gently caressed my breast. It wasn’t anything sexual or even sensuous, but it felt like there was a shock that startled both of us back into the moment.
“Oh my God they’re real!!”, She exclaimed. “I believed what you told me, or I tried to. Seeing it though, oh my God. This is amazing!”
“It’s not near as amazing from my point of view, trust me. Now you know everything, you’ve seen everything.”, I say with emotions starting to resurface. “Now you know why I’ve been a loner, why I’ve shut people out. I’m so… I’m so so sorry I shut you out, can you ever forgive me.” I start to tremble slightly as tears start running down my cheeks again. Am I ever going to run out of these things?
She just gently steps up and wraps me in a gentle hug and said, “I understand why you did what you did, but I just wish you had of known that you could have trusted me. I’m sorry too that you didn’t know that.” We embraced for several minutes until we both had cried until we couldn’t cry anymore. Before she let me go she whispered in my ear, “In case you haven’t realized it, you are beautiful. But you need a shower BAD, because you stink!” She was smirking as she was holding her nose when she stepped back.
“Yeah, well wearing all those layers, and the “excitement” from today I sweated a lot more than usual. Just hand me my clothes and Ill shower when I get home.” I stated.
“No these things are nasty; you’re not putting them back on until I wash them. Look just go shower in my bathroom across the hall and I’ll go throw these in the washer.” She said fussing at me.
“Oh really? Just then what am I supposed to wear when I get out? Or do you just want me to walking around naked the rest of the evening?” I chastised her.
“Oh. I didn’t think that far ahead”, She giggled, damn her laugh is infectious. “Give me a minute.” She then dug through her desk drawer and pulled out a measuring tape and proceeded to take measurements. She was busying herself and muttering to herself, “Okay a bit smaller in the waist and hips, um wow bigger in the chest.” Thankfully she didn’t comment on the few bruises I had from today’s excitement, I did notice her grimace a few times though. Finally, she handed me a plain bathrobe and shooed me to the bathroom and just told me, “I’ll have something when you get out.”
“Oh great” I mused and started picturing her handing me skirts and blouses, there is no way she’s getting me in a dress. I really did need a shower though, so I turned the water on and hopped in. It took me a few minutes to find the appropriate items with all the different bottles of stuff she had in the tub. Why couldn’t they just be labeled soap and shampoo, and why did everything have to have some exotic flower scent? After I finished drying off I started to put the robe on and was just a bit self-conscious, the damn thing was about 5 inches from my knees. Slightly blushing I head back into her room.
The minute I walked into her room she started handing me items to wear, she had a small pile of stuff on her bed she was sorting through. I looked at what was in my hands, when I saw they were panties I blurted out,” No way!”
“Ugh, look your boxers are in the washer, they are just plain cotton underwear nothing more. Besides they will fit you better since you’re smaller than me in the hips, these are some older ones of mine I can’t wear anymore. Just try them on okay”, She started pleaded. I hate it when she does that, while giving me her sad puppy dog eyes. I always give in, just like now.
Keeping my robe on I slid on the so-called underwear, trying not to think of them as panties. They actually fit fairly well, and actually felt pretty comfortable, I wasn’t about to let her know that though. Next item she handed me were some plain denim shorts, which I didn’t fuss about and slid them up. Then she handed me two more items and said, “I advise you to put on the sports bra, but you don’t have to if you don’t want. It will keep bouncing to a minimum though.” I thought I’d just pass until I saw my nipples protruding prominently through the t-shirt. So, I yanked the tee off and pulled the sports bra on over my head followed by the tee. It didn’t feel too bad; I mean it was snug but it wasn’t painful like the bandages. I then looked into the mirror and was stunned by the sight that reflected back at me. Other than my short hair and my thick eyebrows I saw a teen-age girl, one that with some effort could be cute maybe, but with a fantastic figure. The shorts being a bit loose hung on her hips, and the snug tee showed off her breasts, there was a tiny bit of midriff showing since the tee didn’t meet the shorts fully. If my head wasn’t on her body, I’d almost call her sexy. I shuddered as my psyche took a huge blow at that realization. I had always looked at parts of my body but never my body as a whole. If that makes any sense at all.
When I turned from the mirror she noticed me looking upset and her expectant look turned sour really quick. “What’s wrong? Do they not fit ok? I picked the least girly items that I thought would fit, I promise.”
I smiled weakly, “No the clothes are fine, really. They fit better than anything I’ve worn since... Well since before I can remember honestly. It’s just that when I looked in the mirror I saw me. “I gestured at myself, “Like all of me at the same time, you know, and it caught me off guard. So, what’s next? You going to do my hair, makeup or maybe a manicure?” I joked lightly.
She smiled gently saying, “No I haven’t planned to do those things, unless you want to?” she giggled. “Honestly I thought since you are dressed we could just go downstairs and study till your clothes are dry. No need lying to your Mom, since you said that’s what we were going to do.”
I laughed at that and nodded my head. So, that’s what we did, just study. Occasionally she would fuss at me when I would subconsciously drop to my practiced voice, telling me I didn’t have to do that around her. Every now and then I would notice that she would just start giving me a sly smile, I didn’t figure out why though. About 7:30 I asked her about my clothes and she just got a look of panic and shot up towards the laundry room. I laughed knowing she forgot to stick them in the dryer. I started thinking that I should have been watching the clock like a hawk, to be able to get back into my clothes as quickly as humanly possible. While I felt awkward sitting here wearing my best friend’s clothes, girl clothes at that, I felt oddly comfortable. The shirt was soft and felt good on my skin, the panties weren’t bunching up like my boxers do, even the bra, while confining, wasn’t uncomfortable. What is happening to me? Then I realized something, this whole time of sitting down here that Jen was just treating me like me.
“Sorry I completely forgot about your clothes”, she said sheepishly, interrupting my thoughts, when she came back into the living room. I couldn’t help but laugh and say it’s okay. “Hey are you hungry?” She asked.
I nodded so we went off into the kitchen I gasped when she started pulling out frozen dinners. “No way am I going to let a friend eat frozen dinners on a Friday night! Let’s see what we have in the fridge.” I started rooting around in the fridge and cupboards to see what I could make.
“Oh you going to cook me something? I didn’t know you cooked too.” She joked, but she was definitely thinking something. At this point of the day after everything that had happened I was afraid to ask so ignored it.
“Yeah I cook; I love to cook. Look my Mom is a great cook, but for saving time it’s like she rotates the same 10 things year around. I started teaching myself just to have a better variety.”, I smirked. “Ah ha, this will work.” I said as I started pulling stuff out on the counter.
“Well a girl could get used to this, go ahead and spoil me!” She demanded, laughingly so.
“I don’t think so princess, I’m going to make you work! Here thaw and peel these.” I ordered as I handed her a bag of frozen shrimp.
She tried to pout, but through her laughter couldn’t manage a convincing pout at all. She got to work as I started a pot of chicken broth and started dicing up an onion. We talked and joked while we both worked on dinner for the next 45 minutes. The shrimp asparagus risotto turned out perfect, it was one of my favorite and best dishes I can make. I thought maybe I am spoiling her, but since she’s still here after today she deserves a bit of spoiling.
We were about half way done with our meal and we were so involved in our conversation that neither of us heard the door open. I was in the middle of saying something when I noticed Jen’s eyes grow wide then I heard her mom speak.
“Oh my God! Girls that smells wonderful, so Jennifer who is your new friend?”, Mrs. Cook said.
I spun around in panic and faced her, it took a few seconds for it to register with her and then her eyes opened wide. “Robbie? I thought I heard a girl’s voice?!?”, she said in shock. I jumped up without another word and ran to the laundry room and started pulling my clothes out of the dryer as quickly as possible. Jen was right behind me.
“Jennifer Ann Cook you better tell me just what in the hell is going on!!” Her Mom demanded.
“MOM!! Hold on for just a minute!” she yelled back. As she put her hands on my shoulders, she said much more gently, “Robbie, stop. It’s going to be okay, just calm down. We can explain this to her, we have to. C’mon let’s go back in the kitchen. You can do this.”
With all the stress from the day I was so emotionally spent it was all I could do to keep from just collapsing in the floor at that very moment. I just let her lead me back into the kitchen, never looking up to see her mother.
“Well young lady and young man I am waiting for an explanation!”, her mom demanded.
“MOM, stop! We’ll explain everything just give us a second”, Jen fired back. The gently she put her arms around my shoulders and said softly to me, “Do you want me to tell her or do you want to?
I said, “You do it, I just can’t right now.” The tears yet again started to flow from my eyes.
It took almost an hour for Jen to relate the story with her Mom’s interruptions and questions. I answered some that Jen couldn’t, but for the most part I let her talk. Through the talk her mom got less and less angry for me being dressed in Jens clothes. A few “Oh dears”, and “poor babies” got thrown out, toward the end she just came around the island we were sitting at and wrapped me in a hug and kissed me on the top of the head.
“Sweetie I am so sorry, I had no idea. Your Mom had told me that you’ve been going through some struggles, but never in a hundred years could I have imagined this. I’m sorry I came at you two like I did.” She said trying to comfort me.
Jen, trying to lighten the mood, said, “Well… Mom for one thing you weren’t supposed to be home for another hour and a half.” Her Mom and I both stared at her for a second and started laughing. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the feeling of laughing and crying at the same time.
Mrs. Cook fixed her a plate and sat around the table and talked with us while we all finished eating. I wasn’t in the mood to eat anymore since I was still sniffling from time to time, but joined in the conversation when I could. A little bit later the phone rang and I noticed the time, 10:00. Crap! Mom’s going to kill me.
Mrs. Cook answered the phone, “Hello? Oh hey Jane, yes he’s still here… I’m so sorry it’s my fault, he had offered to cook us a meal and the time got away from us all… No he cooked a shrimp asparagus rice dish… Yeah risotto, that’s what he called it… Okay, I’ll get them to wrap it up and I’ll send him home… Okay, talk to you soon, bye.”
“So am I dead when I get home?” I asked.
“No she was worried about you sweetie, we all have been lately. She seemed surprised that you cooked for us, but she sounded glad that you did. You do need to get home though.” Mrs. Cook said as she patted my shoulder. I just nodded and saw Jen had already grabbed my clothes.
I was half undressed when I thought about it. “Wait a minute!! What’s your mom going to think me changing in front of you?”
“She knows I saw you earlier Robbie, if she has a problem I’ll talk to her later” she said as she hugged me again. As I started to pull down my panties she said, “Keep them on, I already said they don’t fit me anymore. They’re yours okay.” I just nodded and pulled them back up, strangely the thought of wearing them wasn’t bothering me as much. They were more comfortable than my boxers at least, but I’m not going to let Jen know that. I started to pull the bra off Jen said, “Leave it on, with your baggy sweatshirt you won’t be able to notice your boobs anyway. You’re not binding with these anymore though, we will figure something else out.”
Fully dressed I looked in the mirror and she was right, you couldn’t really notice my breasts unless you knew what you were looking for. Seeing the baggy jeans, and baggy shirt wasn’t giving me the same feeling it used to though. I wasn’t sure what it was exactly but it wasn’t as comforting as it had been to see my shapeless form. Maybe I’m just exhausted so I quit worrying about it. She handed me a bag with my boxers and stuff and she walked me to my car.
I also had to know something so I asked her, “Jen why did you keep giving me those funny looks while we were studying. Don’t deny it because I saw you, this weirds you out, doesn’t it?”
“It does kinda weird me out a bit to be honest, but that’s not why I was doing that. Robbie there were several times while we were studying when you quit being self-conscious about the clothes and you weren’t hiding anymore. I started seeing you again.”
“Huh? Seeing me? Hell, you saw me naked in your room earlier…” I stammered.
Softer she responded, “Robbie I’m not talking about that, I mean I started seeing you.” She softly pointed at my heart and grabbed me in a hug. “I started seeing my best friend coming back, and I’m so happy to see you again. All the other stuff doesn’t matter in the least. Oh by the way I put something in the bag for you to sleep in, I guarantee you’ll like it.” With that she let me go and winked at me. Oh lord I’m almost afraid to know what it is now. We said our goodbyes and I headed home to face the music, when I noticed I felt better than I have felt in… Honestly I don’t know when.
To Be Continued...
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Author's Note:Thank you everyone that is following my story, the feedback is greatly appreciated. I have 12 chapters completed, I am compiling them here 3 chapters at a time until I get caught up to where I am writing currently. Thank you all again, and I hope you enjoy Robbie's Story. . ~Rebecca
“Did you have fun tonight?” She asked me, hope evident in her voice.
“I guess so, I mean we were just studying, that biology exam is going to be killer.” I lied to the best of my ability.
“Uh huh, must have been an exhausting study session if you volunteered to cook them your risotto.” She mused.
“Mom really? Mrs. Cook worked really late and Jen was going to just heat up frozen dinners, she had been really nice today so I just wanted to, you know, show my appreciation.” I shrugged, really not liking where this conversation is headed.
I know she was just teasing when she said, “Oh you two were home alone most of the night by yourselves? Is there something I need to know about? Hmm?”
I just groaned, “Really Mom? Why do you ask that? I mean you know nothing can happen… Even if… I just can’t...” I felt my vision starting to blur again, “I’m going to bed, I can’t do this tonight. See you tomorrow.”
I know I hurt her feelings as I stormed to the bathroom to do my evening routine, that look of hurt is one I’ve seen on her face way too many times. I know I’ve caused most of those looks, due to my... whatever it is, it’s all because of me. As I started to undress I caught a view of myself in the mirror in just the sports bra and panties, and for a moment I was almost enthralled by what I saw once again. Then the shame started building, I should be a guy dammit, not a girl admiring her reflection. This is why my parents look at me like they do. Why is my mind trying to screw with me? I sit down on the bed and go to empty the bag I brought from Jennifer’s and I come across the “gift” she gave me to sleep in. I pick it up and examine it, it looks like just a super long tee-shirt and whatever its made of feels so soft. I hold it up to my chest for a minute and realize it smells like Jen, which brings me to think about this evening. I’m even more confused when I smile from the memory. The memory of being dressed like a girl and spending time with my best girlfriend, well I mean my best friend who’s a girl, you know what I mean. Absentmindedly I put the nightshirt on and am surprised just how good it does feel. I lie down and turn off my light on my nightstand.
While I’m trying to NOT think of anything so I can fall asleep, my mind has other plans as it so often does. It starts thinking just how god awful this day was, possibly outing myself to my class, the fight with Jen and the repercussions I had to deal with because of our fight. Then my mind starts drifting off to later that day though, and everything that happened outside the school, and then at her house. She and her Mom know, and they still seem to care about me. Maybe this day wasn’t nearly as bad as I first thought. I was still pretty mixed up and then I remembered something that always used to comfort me, something I haven’t needed in years. I turned the light on and went and reached up in the top of my closet and pulled out my old stuffed ewok, Wicket. Yes, I was, and still am, a diehard Star Wars junkie, so sue me. I turned off the light again and laid down snuggling with my old sleeping buddy. As I started to feel myself fall asleep I couldn’t help but picture that really pretty girl that was in the mirror with the short hair.
I woke up at almost 7am from a disturbing dream, thankfully it was fading faster than I could remember, I had just woken up panicked. I stood up and stretched feeling oddly well rested, more so than normal. Then I caught a glimpse of the mirror hanging on my door, and I saw that girl looking back at me. Her short hair was wild and sticking up all over the place and the long dark blue sleep shirt hugged her shapely athletic body, I looked at her perplexed as she just stared back at me. After a few moments, I shook myself away from the mirror and the image that seems to be haunting me. Maybe a shower will help me snap out of this and wake up.
After a quick check to make sure my parents weren’t up or nearby, I made a dash into the bathroom and closed the door. I turned the water on, grabbed my toothbrush and toothpaste and hopped into the shower. Figured if I brushed my teeth in the shower there would be less chance of me staring into the mirror again. I tried to keep detached while I was washing, which I was usually really good at, but my mind drifted back to the way Jen touched me last night. I know she was just in shock and it was out of curiosity, but I just remembered how good it felt. I mean my breasts have been touched before, by doctors and nurses who gave them a clinical exam, you know a squeeze here, twist there, and by myself who just tried to mash them out of existence. Curiosity got the better of me, so while I was soaping them up I started washing with gentle circular motions, I closed my eyes enjoying that moment. The tingle that went through my body when I ran over my nipples though almost took my breath away, and as I realized what I had just been doing I jerked my hands away as quickly as possible. Okay that’s it, I’m done washing, so I let the water rinse me off without having to touch my body in any way shape or form. A few minutes later I was in my room, I need a good long run. I can always sort things out when it’s just me, the wind, and the trail.
I didn’t have any choice but to wear the bra again, Jen seemed to have not put my ace bandages in the bag, dammit! Back to my baggy sweatshirt, hopefully I don’t run into many people on the trail. As I was finishing my quick breakfast the phone rang and it was Jen.
“Morning sunshine! I hope I didn’t wake you up, I just wanted to see if you still wanted to come over today, for our, um, study date.” She said right off.
“Yeah I was still going to if you wanted me to. I just have to go run this morning, I need to, um, catch up from missing it last night, I can call you when I get back and get cleaned up. Oh by the way where the hell are my ace bandages?” I demanded.
“I told you that you weren’t binding with those again Robbie, they hurt you and can cause problems with how tightly you bound them. Besides I talked with Mom after you left and we have a better safer idea. Just bring a change of clothes and come straight here after your run, you can shower here okay? Pretty please with sugar on top!!” She teased.
“Ugh, Fine I’ll just head over there when I’m done with my run, so you can stop before you get any cheesier than you’ve already gotten.”, I laughed. We said our goodbyes and I was off to clear my head.
When I got back to my car after my run and cool down period, my head was still just as mixed up as before. I checked my time and wasn’t too happy, I couldn’t push myself like normal. Even with the sports bra the bouncing kept me distracted, my normal pace made them hurt. I had planned on doing 7 miles this morning, but after 5 I had to quit. Instead of being able to clear my head it was just as muddled as before, still really confused, I headed on to Jennifer’s house.
No sooner had I knocked, the door flew open and she pulled me into the house into a hug, quickly letting go as soon as she felt how wet I still was from the run.
“Yuck! Let’s get you showered up, Mom had to run to work to check on some stuff and was going to bring lunch home. She said she didn’t want you to feel sorry for us and have to cook again.” She laughed as she pulled me up the stairs. When we got to her room she took my bag of clothes and handed me the robe again.
“Hey! I can just dress in the bathroom” I said and reached for my clothes.
Slapping my hand, she said, “I know you can, but I have something for you to put on that heat rash and bruises you had last night. I’ll set your clothes on the bed.
Not wanting to argue I just went and took a shower. Ugh I forgot all the perfumed soaps and stuff, I should have brought my own, I grumbled. When I finished and got back into her room I saw the clothes I had brought lying on the bed, with another set of clothes next to them. When I pointed at the other set she just shushed me and started applying a lotion to the red splotchy areas, except when she got to close to the more sensitive areas she just grinned and handed me the tube.
As I was finishing she said, “Look I’m not trying to force you to do anything you don’t want, but I did want you to have the option of wearing something that actually fit. Okay? Look I’ll go downstairs and you can decide Robbie, I’m not going to coerce you into anything. Just don’t lie to yourself okay.”
I just nodded at her, so she smiled and went downstairs leaving me with my choice. Not a problem so I started putting on my clothes. I was doing fine until It came time for me to bind, I didn’t see my bandages anywhere. Looking at the clothes she laid out I saw a bra, not just a sports bra either, lying there. Without any other options, I put it on, it took me a few minutes to figure it out, but eventually got it on. Then I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, but all I saw was that girl again. She was wearing a really pretty bra which held her breasts nicely, but she was wearing these ridiculously baggy jeans that looked like were cinched 6 inches just to fit her waist. I just slumped down on the bed still staring at the mirror, not even noticing the tears forming in my eyes. I sat like this for several minutes when Jen came back in to check on me.
“Robbie what’s wrong?” She said as she sat next to me put her arm around me. I just turned and started whimpering on her shoulder.
“Jen I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I know that I’m a guy in here “pointing to my head, “So I started putting on my clothes then I saw my reflection and saw a girl in the mirror wearing my clothes and I started feeling so ridiculous!!” I say, trying to keep from going into a full-blown cry.
Kissing my forehead, she whispers “Robbie, Sweetie. I know you’re struggling with who you think you are, but we both know that physically you are a girl. There is nothing wrong with wearing clothes that fit you, you don’t have to wear skirts or dresses or anything like that. I’m going to go back downstairs okay, it’s just me and mom here today with you. Wear whatever you think feels most comfortable to you. With that she gave my shoulder another squeeze and headed downstairs.
Looking at the girl staring back at me in the mirror I just say, “Fine you win today!” Ripping off the jeans and boxers I start staring at the underwear and other clothes. As I pick up the panties I noticed they look brand new, not old ones like she gave me last night. Maybe she accidently gave me a new pair, but they fit like a glove. The shorts were the same ones from last night, but she included a belt this time so it didn’t hang on my hips as badly. The top wasn’t just a tee-shirt though, it had a lower neck with buttons like a collarless polo shirt. Once everything was on I looked at the mirror and there she was, I could see her taunting me. I just shook my head and then without another glance at the mirror headed downstairs.
I noticed Jen was already on the couch with our biology books and notes, she just smiled at me for a moment when she saw me coming down the stairs. Before I could even get seated she started peppering me with study questions. I knew she was trying to get me out of my own head so I just gave her a grateful smile and started our back and forth quizzes. This went on for about an hour and a half before her mom got home carrying several bags, a few of them Chinese takeout. I didn’t pay attention to the other ones since I was starving at this point. She carried the rest of the bags to the laundry room and started a load of laundry before she came back and started opening food boxes. During the meal I will say that both of them did an admirable job of keeping our conversations away from being about me. After lunch Jen and I went back to the living room while her Mom busied herself around the house.
“How are you doing? Seriously.” She asked.
“Honestly I don’t know. I have moments where everything is fine and I’m actually content, other times everything is bothering me.” I replied.
She smiles weakly, “You still don’t know how to see yourself do you?”
I sigh, “No I don’t, I mean I know what I want to be, but I know logically I’ll never be. I am female in every aspect other than my chromosomes. Knowing it and accepting it though, I don’t know how to. If I accept it I feel like, I’ll be letting everyone down. Even more than I already have.” My vision starts to blur yet again from tears forming.
“STOP IT!” She almost yells. Then more softly, “I promise you haven’t let anyone down, other than not letting them in. Not letting me in, that hurt Robbie. I understand why, but we’re making up for that now okay. None of this is your fault, you know. You didn’t choose this, it just happened. Once you start accepting that I think you will be able to move forward a lot easier.
“Does it really matter if I accept it or not, I mean who could accept me if I all of a sudden became a girl?” I saw her start to get really mad, and I quickly realized my blunder. I blurt out before she can respond, “SORRY I wasn’t thinking, I know you and your Mom do.”
She calmed down, “I think a lot more would accept you than you think.” Grinning evilly, she said, “You better be glad you caught yourself there, I was about to smack you!”
With that we both started laughing and our conversation drifted back to more normal things, she could tell I needed a change of topic. We continue the lighter conversation for another half an hour, before her Mom knocked as she was opening the door.
“Hey you two, you’re going to need to start wrapping this up. Jen remember we’re going to grandma’s this evening. I just wanted to give Robbie the things you asked me to pick up when I was out today.” Mrs. Cook said.
“What things?” I ask while looking suspiciously at Jen.
“Before you get all upset just check it out okay? I gave your measurements to Mom and also she had an idea to help you hide your boobs.” Looking up at her Mom, she also said” With all the excitement this weekend I forgot about spending tomorrow with grandma, and thank you Mom for doing this for Robbie.”
I was trying to be upset, but honestly the curiosity was getting the best of me. She pulled several plain looking jeans out of a hamper, and some sports bras, and a few shirts. Then she handed me this weird looking tank top made of some strong elastic type materiel.
“This is a compression vest, its used after surgery for a patient to wear to keep their wound from pulling apart. It’s snug and tight, but it’s better than those ace bandages. It should work and be a lot cooler and more comfortable. Jenifer told me about the rash and the bruises you had from them, if you don’t mind I’d like to check it out. I just want to make sure you haven’t done any serious damage okay.”
I just slowly nod knowing they’re just wanting to help. I strip off the shirt and bra and turn towards Mrs. Cook. She tried to not let her surprise show while she examined me, finally after a few minutes she just said, “They look healthy, the bruising doesn’t appear very deep, and the rash is almost gone too.” She smiles and hands me the weird looking tank top which I struggle for a minute to get on and another minute to get my breasts adjusted and semi comfortable.
“That actually looks pretty good.”, Jen smiles. “How does it feel?”
I shake my head, “Not too bad, better than the bandages”. Looking in the mirror I smile, I don’t see too much of the girl in the mirror. My boobs are pretty compressed but not painfully so. Mrs. Cook then hands me a few pairs of jeans for me to try on. Realizing that technically we all three are female, I sigh, then slide the shorts off and slip the jeans on. They are snug but fit really well. I look in the mirror and realize that they give my hips and behind a noticeably female shape, but with the compression shirt it’s not all that bad. I then grab my regular sweatshirt and put it on, I actually look pretty good I decide. Not quite as shapeless as I look with my baggy jeans, but wearing these honestly just feel a lot better.
“You really didn’t have to spend all that on me Mrs. Cook, I don’t know how I can repay you for all this.” I say with my voice starting to crack.
“Baby with all the help you’ve given Jen with her classes it’s the least we can do okay”, she whispers while she hugs me.
I toss all the stuff she gave me, including the package of new panties Jen handed me with a grin and my change of clothes I didn’t use and throw them all in my backpack. Once I regain my composure we say our goodbye and Jen walks me out to my Ghia, she gives me a hug and says, “Hey it’s just one step at a time okay, please just don’t stop taking steps.”
“I won’t stop trying, that’s all I can promise right now. I just want to know how you got so smart.” I tease her.
“Well I do have a pretty good study partner”, she giggled and kissed me on the cheek. “See you Monday morning. Everything is going to be okay. It might get rough at times but you’re not alone, and you will be okay. I have faith in you.”
Once I got home Mom and Pop were doing their own thing, and the rest of the night was pretty uneventful. I couldn’t get what Jen told me out of my mind about taking steps, I just don’t know if I’m ready for where those steps will lead to.
Sunday was spent mostly at church; Mom was in the choir so we stayed long after the service was over. I’m just glad that we moved to this one, the last church we were at made it sound like we would go to hell for forgetting to dot our I’s and cross our t’s. I got in a light run and some calisthenics afterwards, and spent the rest of the evening trying to prepare for school the next morning. Between what I blurted out Friday, what I did to the football players, and the scene in the lunchroom I was starting to get afraid. What was scaring me the most though, that invisible armor I have had for so long, my shield from the world was gone and I couldn’t make it form back up for the life of me. Tomorrow I was going to school and I was going to be more vulnerable than I have ever felt. I cried myself to sleep that night holding Wicket for all I was worth.
Chapter 5
Monday, October 5th 1987,
Starkville Mississippi.
Other than not having to spend 20-30 minutes binding my chest, my morning started out about as normal as any other school day. As I was getting dressed I decided to forego my baggy ill-fitting jeans for my new ones Mrs. Cook gave me, figured since I pretty much outed myself I should at least be comfortable. The vest did a good enough job compressing my breasts I opted for one of the polo shirts Mom bought me a few months ago, and not on of my baggy sweatshirts. As long as I didn’t tuck the shirt in, it hung loose enough it didn’t really show off my hips and waist. As it was, I was ready to go half an hour before my parents even started stirring at 6. That gives me almost 2 hours before it was my normal time to make my appearance, and since I was so sick of worrying about everything that might happen I headed to the kitchen to stay busy. When Pop walked in to get the normal breakfast started he found me about half way done with large spinach cheese and sausage omelet I was making for our breakfast.
Surprised he asked, “Not that I mind at all, but what’s the occasion?”
I shrugged,” I woke up earlier than planned and couldn’t go back to sleep so thought I’d treat y’all to breakfast for a change.” Besides I thought, scrambled eggs, sausage, and biscuits were getting really old every day, a girl… GUY, I mean a guy! Can only take so much. Where the hell did that come from? Am I starting to see myself as a girl now? I mean I know I am but… Ugh this is going to be a long day already.
Mentally berating myself I continued on with my omelet, and Pop seeming in a good mood for not having to cook, headed back to the bedroom. About the time I was finished and setting the plates out they both came back in the kitchen both of them were surprised and pleased at the same time.
Mom asked, “Are You doing pretty good this morning? It looks like you are, it’s really good to see.” She smiled softly.
“I guess so, I think Jen and I are ready to kick this test’s butt” I lied. Well I really didn’t lie, we had a test today but it wasn’t going to be the total ball crusher we had made it out to be. I had to stifle a laugh at that thought, ball crusher… I wish that was possible. Then as we ate I was thinking about my mood, I’ve been afraid all weekend of what was sure to happen today. Now I guess I was feeling more resigned than anything. Maybe I’ve just burned through all the fear I had in me, but whatever is going to happen today is going to happen, and I’m just ready to get it over with. We actually had one of the most pleasant meals we have had in a long time. As I was getting up to rinse my plate, Mom noticed my attire.
“Sweetie you’re looking pretty sharp today, where did you get those jeans? We can never find any that fit like that.” Mom said.
I thought well yeah!! We’ve been shopping in the wrong section. “Jen’s Mom was actually getting ready to get rid of a bunch of jeans and she said I could have them if they fit. I just got lucky.” I lied yet again. I hate lying to them so much, but I can’t bear to tell them the truth. I hug them goodbye, and head off to my trusty old VW to face my fate.
I honestly had no clue what I was expecting, but when you prepare for the absolute worst possible things to happen and they don’t, it really throws you a curve ball. I was so focused on glancing at people’s faces expecting to see some kind of hateful stare or a look of disgust or anything like that. No, I received a few smiles and nods from people, I was so lost in trying to figure out what the hell was going on I almost ran right into the two Chris’. Startled, I was about to jump back, but they both crossed to the other side of the hall in a hurry and kept on their way. I was so confused and trying to figure out what was going on, I was in my seat in biology for a minute before I noticed Jen talking to me. “Huh? What did you say?”
She laughed, “I said, Hi there sexy. I like your outfit. What’s got you all out of sorts?”
I whispered,” I’m trying to figure out why people are smiling and stuff, the Chris’ all but ran from me a minute ago. I was expecting to be lynched when I got here after what I blurted out in health Friday.
She laughed, “After word got out that you took Perk down with your thumb and sat David on his ass in a matter of seconds, nobody remembers anything about health class. You know, I never knew my best friend was such a bad ass! Those guys have been taking a lot of kidding about that.”
“Oh crap, I’ve got to make that right. I need to apologize to them and hope they don’t kill me” I mutter.
“Robbie those two are pretty mad, are you crazy? Just let it die down first okay.”
“I can’t let it die down, I need to do it today before it gets blown even more out of proportion. It’s just the right thing to do.” I sigh.
She just gently smiled at me and then the teacher started. I guess all the studying paid off, Jen and I were the only two to ace the test that morning.
The rest of the day continued in pretty much the same way. The bullies that usually stalk me were avoiding me, people who usually ignored me kept speaking and nodding at me in passing. It was weird to say the least. I noticed something else, before today I never really participated in class. My shield that I thought was protecting me was actually isolating me, today I found myself raising my hand a few times in class to my teachers and classmates surprise.
I sat at my normal table in the corner for lunch and within minutes Jen just plopped right on down across for me. “Jen I appreciate you sitting here, but I figured you’d be sitting with Alicia and the crew today.
She looked sternly at me, “Hey! I can sit with whatever friends I want!”
“Hey I know that, just stop. I just didn’t want you to commit social suicide hanging with me in school is all. I know I’m your friend, I just also know I’m not your only friend.” I gently fussed back at her.
She relaxed a bit and smiled at me and then giggled, “Robbie I know that, and I appreciate that you’re worried about my social standing. I wanted you to know that I talked to David and Perk in my earlier classes and told them what you were intending to do, they thought it was crazy of you but a cool kind of crazy. I just didn’t want them to hurt you okay. Oh, and remember you’re a bad ass now, so you’re not hurting my social standing.” She laughed.
I shook my head laughing and said, “Well thank god for that at least.”
With that she got up to head back to her girlfriends, she giggled and told me, “Oh I just wanted to let you know, with your new outfit Alicia thinks you’re pretty cute.”
I groan and drop my head to the table, great that’s just want I need now. I finish up lunch and the rest of the day pretty much goes the same way. I did finally catch up to Perk and David after class and properly apologized.
“Yeah Jen told us you wanted to do this, she also said that you had been dealing with a bunch of stuff and was having a really bad day. I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone say they were sorry for kicking my ass before.” Perk joked.
David laughed and said, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone put you on your ass like that, even on the field.”
Perk glared at him, “Well, look who’s talking I remember you going down pretty quick too.
David shrugged, “Hell I get hit harder than that in practice.
“True. “Perk said laughing at David, then more seriously he asked me, “You alright now dude?”
“Yeah I think I am, I will have to see but it looks like things are improving, again I’m so sorry for what I did the other day.”
He slapped me on the back HARD, the big dude has no clue of his strength, “It’s cool, besides I don’t want to be upset at the guy that helps me in class. Coach will bench me if I drop below a C, oh unless you want to be forced into football tryouts I’d keep a distance from the coach. He heard how quick you ran through us two.” Him and David actually laughed.
I shook my head and said, “Yeah that ain’t going to happen?”
The rest of the evening was even more uneventful, I got home, finished homework, even ate dinner with my parents and even watched some TV with Mom. I could tell they were pleasantly surprised that I didn’t just hold up in my room, but didn’t say anything. Maybe they were afraid they would jinx it, I wouldn’t blame them honestly.
As I was lying in bed that night thinking about the day, I actually felt relieved. Maybe my life is finally looking up and I hope I can ride this wave for whatever it is worth. I dared think that I actually felt happy that the day worked out like it did, I didn’t even see the girl in my reflection today. As I was drifting to sleep I was totally at peace without a worry in the world. If I had of only known that it was just the calm before the storm.
The rest of the week people kept treating me the same, I became more participative in class. I was actually feeling good about the way things were starting to go. Jen and I didn’t hang out but a couple of nights that week, she didn’t even attempt to get me to change into anything else at her house. Things were going great, I even thought I was finished with seeing that girl in the mirror. Except I wasn’t. Late Tuesday evening, I started getting glimpses of her when I looked in the mirror but I could blink a few times and she would disappear. Wednesday, I couldn’t make her disappear though, and I saw her EVERY time I looked in the mirror. By Thursday every time I passed a mirror I’d see her, I’d even see her in a window reflection out of the corner of my eye. At this point I was getting really distracted, I felt like she was starting to haunt me. Jen even commented on it and was worried. Then by Thursday night she invaded my dreams.
“Robbie we need to talk.” She said. Or I think she said it, but I don’t remember seeing her mouth move out of the sad smile she had.
“I don’t want to talk to you! Why won’t you leave me alone!” I demanded.
“Robbie you have been fighting me for so long, but now you’ve finally seen me. I can’t go away, I won’t. You know that we’re one and the same, quit hiding me, us, from the world. Quit being ashamed of what we are.”
“No we aren’t the same, we can’t be,” I start to cry. “If we’re the same than you know the shame our parents have of us. If you are me, then you know the looks of pain they have and how much it hurts me to know that I’ve caused it, because of YOU!!” I was getting frantic.
She looked pained and responded, “Robbie you misunderstand so much…”
I interrupt her screaming, “NO!!! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!”
I woke up in a full-blown panic, and just laid there crying and shaking from the intensity of the dream as it overwhelmed me. I finally looked at my alarm clock, it was 3:15 in the morning. Needless to say, I didn’t go back to sleep.
When I got to my first-class Jen immediately was alarmed at my appearance. I was back to the super baggy clothes and I’m sure my eyes were bloodshot between the lack of sleep and crying I’ve been doing.
“What’s wrong?” She asked, hesitantly touching my arm.
“I really didn’t sleep good at all, I only got about 4 hours of sleep is all. I’ll be okay.” I weakly smile at her. I wasn’t ready to fill her in on the dream and everything else, I was trying to make sense of it myself.
“Why are you wearing those things again? I thought you were over that stuff.”, She asked me suspiciously.
“Jen look, I just didn’t get to do laundry last night, the other jeans are all dirty is all. I’ll be fine once I get some more sleep okay.”, I all but begged her so she would stop before she asked questions I don’t think I could answer at the moment.
The rest of the day I was pretty sullen and kept making the excuse to people that I just didn’t sleep well. It was the truth, just not all of it. At the end of the day Jen was trying to get me to come over, but I declined telling her I just wanted to get caught up on my sleep. That evening I stayed in my room, I just didn’t want to face anyone else after school. I think mom knocked on my door every hour on the dot, asking if I was okay.
As I was getting ready for bed I was staring intently at my mirror, I was wearing the sleep shirt even though I had been determined not to, and my hair I noticed was getting longer than I had ever let it get before. She was just silently staring back at me while I was examining her, it was like we were both studying each other looking for a weakness. When I finally laid down I was determined that tomorrow first thing I was headed to the barber shop to get this mop cut, and then I was going to drop the sleepshirts and jeans off at Jen’s. That would have to help make this girl stop haunting me, I have to get rid of her before she gets an even stronger foothold. With those thoughts, I finally fell into a fitful sleep.
“You need to see something, it will be hard for you, but you still need to see it anyway. It will help you decide if it will be worth it to keep struggling like you have.
I know at this point it’s a dream so I start shouting and yelling and jumping around hoping it would wake me up.
“That won’t work Robbie, you have to see what I am about to show you.”
I start yelling at her, “There is nothing that you can show me that will help me, you are trying to ruin my life!! Just leave me ALONE!!”
“No dear Robbie, I am only trying to help you.” She says as she materialized of the fog. She’s wearing the same flowery dress, but this time her dark blonde hair was past her shoulders. She was beautiful but she looked very sad.
“This will be hard for you to see, but you have to see this. You have to understand it; it will make accepting our condition so much easier for you.” She said as she motioned to the side, where the fog seemed to open up.
As I looked through the opening in the fog I saw my school and as the view started zooming in I saw this guy that I didn’t recognize. He was hanging out with a few of the football crowd, Perk being one of them. Looking closer he wasn’t quite as tall, but looked just as muscular as the big lineman. As the scene got even closer I could hear their conversation they were having and laughing about.
“Dude are you ever going to learn that you’re never going to get into Jennifer’s pants?” Perk told the other jock.
“Hey it’s just a matter of time before she gives in to this,” He says flexing his arm. “She’ll give in. They all do.”
I bristle listing to them talking about Jen like that and yell at the vision, “She would never go out with you, asshole!! She has better self-respect than that!!”
“Robbie they can’t hear you or see you” Her voice states.
Frustrated I just keep watching, I don’t know who this ass is but I’ll never let him get close to Jen. They keep talking as they walk through the courtyard they were in.
“So you getting off the bench this next game?” Perk asks him.
“Yeah I finally got that D that dyke coach gave me up to a C, I’m good for this Friday’s game against West Point.”, The guy says laughing. I’m just getting angrier and angrier. A moment later I see the big guy smile at Perk, and then step to the side to run into Brent, a friend and another nerd like me, knocking him down. “Hey watch where you’re going four-eyes!” The guy then yells at the much smaller Brent.
“Why the hell are you showing me this!”, I yell at the voice since she’s disappeared again.
“Robbie I am just showing you what might have come to pass.” The voice said. Even more confused I keep watching, trying to place the guy in case I ever do see him, I’ll kill him before I let him near my friends.
I look back at the vision and the guys have just entered the lunch room and are making a beeline to Jen and Alicia’s table, I am getting even more livid. Then the gorilla speaks to Jen.
“Hey sweet cheeks, you and me are going out after we decimate the Green Wave Friday night, there’s going to be a killer party out in the Johnsons barn.”
Jen just rolls her eyes and looks like she’s trying to ignore him. All the other girls are looking uncomfortable, hell even Perk is looking a bit bothered at his friend’s comments.
“Hey why don’t you answer me and quit being a stuck-up bitch”, the guy almost yells at Jen. Every muscle in my body is tensed up, I feel like I am about to explode I am so angry. The next thing I hear hits me in the gut taking all the wind and fight right out of me.
Jen does yell at him with tears in her eyes, “You are the most selfish, brainless oaf in this school I would never go out with you if you were the last person alive asshole!” She starts to turn on the guy grabs her arm and starts turning her to face him and she slaps the hell out of him, “GO TO HELL ROB!!”
The scene completely disappears at that point and I’m still alone stunned, I yell out “What the hell did you just show me!!”
“Robbie, you just saw what would have happened had we not been together in this life.” The voice said as it sounded like it was drifting further away.
“WHAT?!?! That wasn’t me! I would have never been like that!! You’re lying!! I’m not like that!!” I yell to the fog.
Barely perceptible in the distance I hear the voice say, “I know. You aren’t like that, but you would have been.” Then the dream faded.
I poured a glass of milk, and was watching the squirrels play in the back yard trying to distract myself from everything that had happened. Then I heard Mom’s voice.
“Robbie are you okay? You woke us up when we heard you yell…Oh my GOD!!!”, She started to say. The surprise evident in her voice though when she saw me in that sleepshirt, after all I had started binding since they started going their major growth spurt. She had never seen just how big they have gotten, or just how curvy my body had become. The sleepshirt was form fitting and left nothing hidden.
“Mom!! Oh, crap, I’m so sorry you saw me like this, I wasn’t thinking!” I blurted out as I tried to pass her and return to my room. She stopped me and embraced me, which got me to crying again. She just held me as I cried and I kept trying to get words out. No matter how bad it will hurt her I decide I’ve got to tell her, everything.
“Mom”, I sniff. “There is so much I need to tell you.” I start to step back so I can look at her when I hear my Step-Dad.
“Just what in the Sam blazes is all this about!!” He stays sternly, the Colonial coming out in him. He was after all a Colonial in the Army Reserves, and “he” comes out every now and then when he gets upset. That just put me immediately on edge, as if I wasn’t before, just worse.
“What the?!” He stammers when he gets a good look at me, clearly shocked. He immediately looks away from me. I start to feel ashamed that they are both seeing me, but it quickly gets converted to the anger I already had built up from my dream.
“Honey just wait,” Mom tells him “we have a lot to talk about it seems. Just calm down and we can discuss it rationally okay.”
Still not looking directly at me, he starts off, “Well yeah we do it seems, it’s just that. Um don’t you think he should change into something more presentable?”
Furious I blurt out, “What is wrong with what I’m wearing! It’s just a sleepshirt! What’s wrong with it? Is it because it’s a girl’s sleepshirt and you don’t think your SON should be wearing it!”
Completely caught off guard with my outburst, he stammers for a second then says, “Umm yeah, but…”
I totally interrupt him yelling, “Fine then if you don’t think your son should wear this!” I rip my sleepshirt off and just stand there defiantly only wearing my panties. My breasts, a full C according to Jen, proudly displayed for all to see. They are both completely silent, shock clearly written all over their faces. Softly I add, “I’m not your son anymore, and I haven’t been in a long time.”
After a split second I realized what I had just done and started crying all over again, taking advantage of their shock I ran past them to my room and locked the door. Less than a minute later Mom knocks on the door. “Robbie, baby, please open the door. Please baby I need to talk to you. C’mon and open the door.” She begs.
“Leave me alone”, I cry. “I can’t talk to you right now!”
“Just calm down sweetie, it will be okay. Look when you’re ready I’ll be in the living room. Please come talk to me.” The tears were evident in her voice as well.
I heard her walk away from my door crying. Sitting there thinking about what I had just done, the anger I had pent up started morphing back into shame. I had just flashed my parents after yelling at them, how am I supposed to face them now if ever. There isn’t a way possible that they aren’t going to hate me. At that moment, I decided that I have got to get out of here. I grabbed my biking shorts that I normally wear when working out in my room, slip on a sports bra and one of the t-shirts that Jens mom gave me, slip on my running shoes and throw all the extra stuff in my backpack. As quietly as I could I slid open my window and snuck out, looking around the corner of the house I saw my Ghia and made a dash for it. As I was pulling out they both came running outside waving their hands. I quickly just dropped him into 1st gear and took off, with no clue where I was headed other than away.
Chapter 6
I wish I could say I had a destination or even that I drove around for hours trying to work things out. Starkville just wasn’t that big, after 40 minutes I had circled the town 3 times and crossed it maybe 4 and was no better off than when I started. I had so much energy running through me, I’m not saying I was energetic but the stress, anxiety, shame, and anger was fueling my emotions and thoughts. They were all over the place, and I only could think of one way to burn off that energy and maybe think. Due to the clothes, I was wearing I couldn’t go to my regular tracks or paths, as most of the people that used them knew me and my car, it was that unique. Hell, just about the entire town knew my car and whose it was, considering my Step-Dad, Mom, Step-sister, one of my Brother-in-laws, and myself have been driving this thing around here since 1980.
What had persuaded me to grab the clothes I had on? Tight black biker shorts and a light blue women’s tee-shirt felt like a second skin, I’m even wearing a sports bra and not the compression vest. I kept trying to tell myself that it was just the first things I could grab but that didn’t feel right. I felt that in my panic that my subconscious was in the driver’s seat and that’s what it wanted to wear. At least that’s what I was trying not to think at least. I knew a place where I could park where I could leave the Ghia on the college campus unnoticed, there were also enough students at the college that no one would recognize me running and I’ll just blend in.
When I parked the little Ghia at Eckie’s pond on campus I was lucky there wasn’t anyone I knew there, but I still hopped out of the car and got some distance just in case. As I started my run I tried to just focus on my breathing, the wind, and also not getting run over was a big one. I think I was somewhere in the middle of my second mile when I had cleared my head enough to start thinking a bit more clearly. First I have to tackle the dreams, and the girl that had been taunting me in the mirror. I knew it was my subconscious messing with me, after all with everything else I was dealing with the thought of an imaginary girl possessing me just wasn’t a thought I could entertain.
Since it can’t be a ghost girl, I just can’t handle any more complications, it has to be my subconscious. I started trying to remember the first time I saw her in the mirror, and it hit me that it was when I told Jen about me. My fuzzy mirror syndrome didn’t kick in and I saw me, all of me. Fuzzy mirror syndrome is something I coined what I did to cope as my changes first started appearing, I could focus on one part but everything else would be blurry. Seeing that girl and then that whole evening with Jen was nice, it was one of the first pleasant moments in my life that I’ve had since everything started. I felt a sense of peace I hadn’t felt in a long time. Could that be why I keep seeing her? I found a small moment of peace and my subconscious is wanting that to continue. I checked my time and see I’m approaching somewhere close to my 4th mile.
Okay dreams are the same type of thing, maybe they were created for the same reason. What I saw in the last dream though, why would it make something up like that. Could I really have turned out to be that animal? I started pulling everything I could remember from Biology and Health class and everything else I’ve read about hormones. Testosterone, I remember, is evolutions way of helping the perpetuation of the species. It is responsible for aggression, the need to procreate, the higher chances of taking risks, typically the more testosterone one has the more of a need to be an alpha male. I started picturing that guy I would supposedly have been, he was strong, aggressive, and seemed to have sex on the brain. Could that have overridden who I thought I really was? Then I remembered that currently I have a higher than normal estrogen level for a girl my age, if I had fully been male would I have had an excess of testosterone? If all that testosterone was unchecked, I realized it could have been very possible. It was a chilling thought, checking my time again I noted I should be in the middle of my 6th mile.
I then started to think what estrogen was typically responsible for, more nurturing and caring behavior, better communication skills were just a few I could think of not counting the breasts that were currently trying to escape from the bra. I starting thinking about my friendship with Jen and realize that we really had become closer friends because of our long talks, mutual consideration of each other among the big things. She never actually liked or hung around any other boys when we were younger, said they were annoying. I then realized that even if I hadn’t of turned into that mindless bully that Jen and I probably wouldn’t have become the friends that we were. I would have just been one of those annoying boys. I started to feel tears forming and it was strange, I was no longer that upset. Why was I starting to cry, I mean it wasn’t a strong boo hoo type of cry? I was thankful for my friendship and closeness with her. I couldn’t bring myself to say they were tears of joy, but I definitely wasn’t sad or upset. Checking my time, I should be finishing up with my 8th mile so I headed to my car. There is something I need to see and I can only think of one person right now who could help me see it.
About 45 minutes later I pull up and park at Jen’s house, I barely make it half way to the door when her and her Mom come rushing out to grab me in a fierce hug.
“Oh my God Robbie we were so worried about you,” Jen blurted out as she and Mrs. Cook tried to squeeze all the air from me.
“I’m okay, what is going on? Why would you be worried?” I said trying to get my breath back.
“Robbie, your Mom called us just a few minutes after you left this morning. She told us what happened. That was close to 4 hours ago sweetie, we’ve been thinking the worst.” Mrs. Cook said to me softly.
“Oh… I didn’t know what to do and I panicked”, I said softly. The memory of this morning came back to me, and what I did to upset them. Then I took off like I did, just causing more problems. “They’re going to be so mad at me, I’m such an idiot!” The tears falling in full force by this time.
Jen still hugging me, told me softly, “You need to call her to let her know you’re safe.”
“I don’t know what to say to her, she’s going to be so angry with me. I keep disappointing them.” I manage to get out between sobs.
“Baby lets come inside okay, I’ll give her a call and you can talk when ready. When I get off the phone with her you can tell us why you came here and didn’t go home.” Mrs. Cook said to me gently. I just nod my head and we went inside.
When we walk in her Mom makes a beeline to their phone in the kitchen and Jen and I head to the living room. On the way to the couch, she grabs a box of Kleenex and we proceed to sit down with her right next to me. With both of us still teary eyed she hands me a few and grabs a couple for her and we start wiping our eyes.
With a small laugh, she tells me, “Girl you have got to quit causing all of these crying sessions, I don’t want to be all dried up by the time I get married.” I couldn’t help but laugh at that, both of us then broke out in laughter.
“Thank you I needed that”, I told her still slightly giggling and a few tears still falling. I gently reached out and gave her hand a small squeeze.
“You don’t have to thank me for that, that’s what best friends are for”, She says then suddenly her eyes open really wide. “Robbie I just realized what I said, I didn’t mean to call you a girl. I’m sorry!”
“Shh Jen it’s okay, I’ve pretty much accepted that fact. It’s okay.” I whisper. “I don’t mind it, I mean it’s still kind of weird actually hearing it, but I really don’t mind.”
“Really?” She asks. When I just nod, she leans over and gives me a big hug. “I’m so glad you have; I’ve been praying really hard the past few days that you could. I mean, um, I just thought that until you did you were going to be stuck in that weird limbo you’ve been in.” We sit there on the couch in that totally soul cleansing hug until her Mom walked in a minute or two later and sits down.
“Okay Robbie you are going to have to talk to her soon, she’s so relieved you’re safe, but she’s going to need to hear from you in the next hour or so.” Mrs. Cook tells me. “So can you tell us why you came here and didn’t go home?”
“I’m still scared to face my parents after this morning, strike that I’m terrified. I was so angry and so upset, I don’t know if they can ever forgive me for what I did.” I say my voice starting to crack.
“Sweetie, when she called she told us you had a major incident, but she was trying not to say too much. I ended up telling her that we knew everything, about what had happened at school and then here later.” Seeing the surprised on my face at that she quickly added, “Don’t worry she wasn’t upset at you for telling us, she was actually thankful that you had let us in. That you had someone that you were comfortable to open up to. That’s the only reason she isn’t coming over right now, since you feel comfortable enough with us she hoped you would talk to us. So, baby, why did you come here.” Mrs. Cook told me gently.
For the next hour, I told them about the girl in the mirror and how she had been haunting me, even how she appeared in my dreams. I then told them about the guy I supposedly would have been and then my thoughts I that I had had on my run this morning. Once I finished I just looked at them expectantly, after a few moments Jen finally smiled and spoke.
“Robbie, I can’t imagine that you could have ever been a guy like that. I mean I understand your logic behind the possibility. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but the more that I have thought about it I realized something. In all these years of being my friend I never once ever thought of you as a guy.” As I started to say something she continued, “Wait let me finish okay. I am meaning that all the other boys were so rambunctious and they were always trying to “prove” themselves by acting tough and bossy. You were never like that, you actually talked to me and not at me like the other boys. You cared about what I wanted to do and you’d talk with me about anything. Now I’ve noticed other things, you call your car him, every other guy I know refers to his car as her. You’ve always liked to do nice things for other people, not to be recognized but just to do them. When you cooked for us the other night was one of those times.” She paused smiling for a few moments before continuing. “You know, I’ve never had a really close girlfriend, I mean I have girlfriends, but not a really close one that I can share everything with. With this past week though I started to realize that I already had one though, in you.”
Mrs. Cook was smiling really proudly at her daughter, then she turned to me and asked, “Robbie I get the feeling that you came here for more than just to tell us all this. Is there something else that you’d need us to help you with?”
I nodded, taking a deep breath to steel my resolve, I say, “This may sound really strange, probably because it is. I’ve been fighting so hard to be perceived and look like a boy, now that I’ve mostly accepted the fact that I’m not, I need to see something. Seeing the girl in my dreams, I know that girl is supposed to be me but imagining it in a dream is one thing… I need to physically see it… If that makes sense.”
“You want us to help you be a girl?” Her mom asks. I just nod my head. Her and Jen share a knowing look with each other, then her Mom smiles at me and says, “I think we can help you with that sweetie.”
Jen asks, “You want just a dress and makeup or do you want the whole package?”
“Jen If you can, I need to see myself 100% female, as if I’ve been living as a girl my whole life.” I say softly.
Jen gives me a warm smile and tells me, “Well not much we can do about your hair, but I think we can do the rest. We need to get started though.” She stands up and holds out her hand to me, I take it and she helps pull me off the couch and we then head up to her room.
When we there she turns to me and asks, “I just want you to be 100% sure of this okay.”
“Jen I’m not 100% sure of anything, other than I have to see this. Remember your talk about taking steps? This is a step I know I’ll have to eventually make, I want to get it out of the way now. I have to do this.” I tell her, not sure if I’m trying to convince her or myself.
She tells me to strip out of everything but my panties and to sit down in her chair at her vanity. She then grabs a pair of tweezers and starts putting those two caterpillars over my eyes on a quick diet. I’m trying to keep my eyes closed while she works, trying not to think about what is happening. I mean I’m ready for this, but not fully ready. As she’s working on the second brow I open my eyes just a bit and see her face of concentration and break out in a fit of giggles.
“What’s so funny?” she demands.
Still laughing I tell her, “You looked so intense and the face you made was just too much.” I wrinkle my forehead, stick the tip of my tongue out the corner of my mouth, and cross my eyes just a bit.
“I don’t look like that”, She exclaims and gives me a slap on the arm, but at the same time she starts laughing again. Once we both recover she orders me to close my eyes and let her finish. Several minutes she is done and after she looks back and forth at each one to make sure they were even she steps back and gets this surprised look. “Oh wow!”, is all she says.
“What? How bad is it?”, I ask worried.
“Robbie… oh wow, I never thought that would make that much of a difference. It’s made you look…”, She pauses and turns me to look at the mirror in her vanity.
“Oh…” The look of surprise on the girl’s face looking back startles me. As I look closer and see how my brows are shaped it’s made my eye’s look more open, and almost changed the whole shape of my face. I knew I never looked masculine, androgynous at best, but with those thin feminine eyebrows I am having a hard time seeing anything of the old me in the mirror. Sighing I just say, “Well it’s too late to stop now, what’s next?”
She just smiles and hands me the robe, “C’mon next stop is in the bathroom.” She then waits for me to put on the robe and grabs my hand and leads me across the hall. After she closes the door she pulls the robe off and starts inspecting my legs and arms. “Ok I haven’t paid that much attention, I’m jealous now. The hair on your legs is light and blonde, also your armpits aren’t that bad. Here use this on your legs, and you’ll need to shave your armpits.” She then hands me a bottle of Nair, and a new pink razor out from the cabinet. After reading the instructions on the bottle I start applying it on my legs and as we wait she starts instructing me on what bottles to use in the shower and where. She stays in the bathroom and keeps shouting directions while I shower and shave. Upon getting out she shows me the proper way to dry off, and with my legs smooth they were so sensitive I appreciated the lesson. After we finished drying me she handed me a bottle of lotion and just said, “Everywhere pretty much.”
After putting the robe back on she leads me back to her bedroom and plops me right down at her vanity, facing me away from both her mirrors, “You don’t see anything until we’re done okay?” I just nod and let her get to work. While she starts applying my makeup she tells me what each item is and how you use it. I do my best to listen, but I started getting a bit scared just how far we are going with this. When she finally gets done she steps back and appraises her handiwork she smiles and says, “You are going to end up in trouble.”
“Jen let me see!”, I try to demand, but as nervous as I am it comes out barely above a whisper.
She shakes her head, “Not until we’re done remember.” With that she hands me a bra and panties which I put on and then she pulls this dress out of her closet and I almost start to hyperventilate. It looks like the same dress the girl was wearing in the dream. Concerned she asks, “Robbie what’s wrong?”
Taking a few deep breaths, I finally ask, “Jen where did you get that dress… It’s the one from my dream. Have I seen you wear it before or something?”
She covered her hand over her mouth and gasped, “No you haven’t, are you sure?” I just nod. “Robbie… Mom bought this dress earlier this week. It was supposed to be a surprise. “
“Surprise for what?” I stammer.
More softly Jen tells me, “Robbie with the steps you had made over the past week Mom and I thought that this day was coming and we wanted to be prepared. We just didn’t think it would be this soon.
Confused I asked, “You bought it for me? You prepared for this?” I started getting upset until she stopped me with a touch on my arm and gentle smile.
“Robbie all we have been doing is try to help you, I promise you that. Neither of us have tried to push any of this on you. We got this outfit for you because we wanted this moment when it happened to be as perfect as possible. If that is the dress you dreamed about, maybe it’s a sign from above telling you that it’s okay.” Grabbing a Kleenex, she started dabbing the tears that were forming and started to fuss, “Stop that before you ruin my masterpiece!” I couldn’t help but get tickled at that. When we quit giggling, she helped me into the dress and zipped it up, it felt like it was giving my body a soft hug wherever it touched me. “Wow that looks amazing on you.”
“Can I see now?” I ask impatiently.
“Not yet, here sit back down. Next most important part of the outfit. Shoes!” She giggles and grabs a shoebox. “Hope these fit, I tried on your sneakers and checked out their size figured you should be a 9 ½. Wish us luck.” With that she slid the heels on my feet. Thankfully they weren’t really high or with a really skinny heel. “These are only 2 ½ inch heels and shouldn’t be too hard to walk in, I’ll give you some pointers though.” She gently grabbed both hands and pulled me to my feet. I was a little bit wobbly for a few minutes as she walked me around. After a few minutes, I felt safe enough to walk without her holding my hand, I knew I wasn’t going to be running a marathon in them or anything but I thought I could manage.
“Ok ready for the big reveal?” I nodded still really nervous. She softly messed up my hair some, or so I thought, moving it in different directions. “At least you let your hair grow past that almost buzz cut you’ve had.” Then she turned me to face the mirror.
I don’t think there are enough words to describe just how stunned and in awe I was when I saw my reflection. I stepped closer to the mirror to get a better look, and try to see if I could find anything left of me. My long smooth runner’s legs in those heels looked amazing, the dress stopped a few inches above my knees and it flared out just a bit. As I looked further up I noticed the dress started fitting snug just above my hips and hugged my body the rest of the way up. The top part of the dress was low cut, not enough to be trashy, but just enough to be slightly sexy, and the straps left my arms bare which just added to the whole look. Then I started to examine my face, trying to figure out just how she had accomplished this. The way she did my eyes and with the thin brows it made my blue eyes just stand out and they demanded to be stared at. The only thing I saw that was out of the ordinary was my shorter hair, but even then, the haphazard way she styled it looked kind of like the way a few girls at school wear theirs.
I had no idea how long I just stared and admired the girl in the mirror, then it totally clicked, that girl was me. I was finally drawn out of my trance when I felt Jen move behind me and start putting her arms over my head. She dropped what looked like a locket around my neck and fastened it. “I thought this was appropriate, and I hope you like it.” As I looked in the mirror it rested right where my cleavage started, it was half of a heart with a jagged edge where the middle should be and the words Best etched in it.
“It looks like half a heart, where is the other part?” I asked.
Slowly she pulls her necklace out of her shirt and it’s a perfect match to what I’m wearing but etched in hers is the word Friends. I immediately get choked up and just grab her in a hug and whisper, “Forever and ever.” She just squeezes me back just as hard and we stay that way for a while before she finally breaks the hug and steps back.
“God those shoes make you so tall!! I feel the need to wear my heels so I don’t feel like a munchkin next to you.” She giggles and that sets us both off laughing. Then she asks, “You ready to show Mom? I think she will be really pleased.” I nod and after she fixes our our makeup, we head downstairs, I’m having to hold onto the railing just so I don’t fall and break my neck.
I’m not going to lie, once I got to the bottom of the stairs wearing those heels I felt like I had just accomplished something like scaling Everest. As we got to the living room Mrs. Cook came out of the kitchen and gave me this huge smile.
“Baby you look absolutely stunning! How are you feeling?” She asks me as she comes up to give me a hug.
“I think I’m doing pretty good, it’s all so… so… overwhelming? I think that’s the best word for what I’m feeling. I don’t know how I can ever thank you both enough for this.” I whisper to her feeling my eyes start to water up yet again.
“Robbie, you just did. Look you’ve been a friend of Jen’s for so long you are part of this family too. I’m just glad we could help.” She says looking like she’s about to cry as well.
Then I hear a very familiar voice coming from the kitchen, “Robbie? Oh my god! You are beautiful!!”
Turning towards the kitchen I see my Mom, and she has both of her hands holding over her mouth in surprise. Immediately panic hits me and I start to turn to flee up the stairs and Jen and her Mom both grab me to stop me. I cry, “Please let me go!!”
Mom immediately takes that chance to rush to me and envelop me in a hug, “Sweetie it’s okay, please don’t run away from me again. Please!!” She sobbed.
“Mom I’m so sorry I never meant for any of this to happen”, I manage to get out between sobs.
“It’s not your fault, why are you apologizing?”, She asked.
“Mom… You wanted me to be a boy, and I’ve tried so hard to be the son you wanted!! It’s been killing me hiding this from you, please don’t be upset with me anymore.” I beg her.
“Upset? Why do you think we’re upset? Baby we’ve been scared for you.” She pulls back some so she could look up into my tear streaked eyes.
“Mom!! I remember when you both got the results of my tests… I saw how ashamed you were…”, I sobbed and couldn’t look in her eyes.
“Baby we were never ashamed of you, EVER!!” she blurted out. “We were scared. We were afraid FOR you. We couldn’t imagine how you would handle this, and we didn’t know what we could do to help. None of the therapists around here wanted to try to give us any help, they had never dealt with anything like this before. We just tried to be there and let you find your way, but you never let us know how much you had changed. We didn’t know and I’m so so sorry baby. We just didn’t know what to do.”
“You mean all this time… All this time you weren’t ashamed? Or upset? Oh my god Mom I’m so sorry. I didn’t know” I say.
“I’m sorry you thought we were upset with you, or even worse ashamed. I’m so sorry for failing you!!” She says while shaking from her own cry.
It hit me at that point. My mom and Step-dad weren’t ashamed or angry with me, all the shame I had felt I had heaped on myself. My inability to open up with my own mother had caused me so much pain and in my depression, I had been hurting others indirectly. I look down at my mother, and through my tears I smile at her and tell her, “Mom you haven’t failed me… You’re here…” She immediately closed in for another long hug, we just sat there and cried, no longer a sad cry, on each other’s shoulders. Well her on my shoulders and me on the top of her head.
As we started to stop crying I look up at Jen and her mom, Mrs. Cook had her arm around Jen’s shoulders and it looks like they’ve both been crying as well.
I look directly at Jen and silently mouth the words, Now it’s perfect.
To Be Continued...
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Author's Note: Thank you everyone that is following my story, the feedback is greatly appreciated. I have 12 chapters completed, I am compiling them here 3 chapters at a time until I get caught up to where I am writing currently. Thank you all again, and I hope you enjoy Robbie's Story. ~Rebecca
"So what do we do now? I mean have you thought how you're going to break this to everyone, are you just going to show up at school...." Jen starts asking. I can see it in her eyes she's got tons of questions that she is about to blurt out all at once.
"Hang on wait a second!" I blurt out trying to derail her train of thought. "Look I'm still coming to terms with this, I'm not ready to shout out on the rooftops, hey look at me I'm a girl now!" I take a few moments to think how best to say this before I finally speak again. "While I accept I am a girl, I'm still not comfortable with it fully. It's weird, on one hand I'm totally okay sitting here with y'all like this and on the second I'm absolutely terrified of someone else seeing me. I'm just not ready for that yet. I can't thank you enough for helping me this far, today was just me having to see, um, me I guess. Or at least the me that I'm going to be eventually. I'm sorry..." My voice drops off as my emotions start getting the best of me yet again.
"Stop apologizing baby," Mom tells me holding my hand with one of hers and starts wiping the tears from my eyes with the other. "None of us here can imagine what you're going through, what you've been through, we can try but honestly we have no idea. Just know that I love you, we love you," She looks at Jen and her mom, both nodding silently. "Baby however long it takes for you to make that next step is okay, just know that you're going to have to eventually take it. We will all be here to help you when you do."
"Mom, what about Pop? How's he taking this? Since he's not here with you," I say stopping because I'm afraid of what the answer is.
"Sweetie, he's struggling. The thought of losing your masculinity frightens him, as it would any man. Just know that he's afraid for you, he's not ashamed of you. You also know how he hates to admit he's afraid. He's also worried about letting your Dad down, you know he's always tried to do right by Robert for you."
I just nodded my head, still a bit worried though. I know that Pop really respected my Dad, ever since they met in the Army when they were both deployed in the Korean War. They had become really close friends, and after my Dad was discharged and Pop got released from active duty they remained close friends. Pop and his first wife were actually in Dad's congregation after he got ordained. Both my parents and Pop's family remained close, it's one of the reasons Pop and my Mom got married. Dad passed away only 8 months after Pop's wife passed after years of health problems. He and my Mom already had a close friendship, and after both funerals they just sort of connected. Thinking about that close friendship they had, I could understand now a lot of the things that Pop has done from me. It was almost like he was keeping a promise.
Finally, Jen spoke up breaking the silence that had gotten uncomfortable, "I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if you're going to be going to school as Robbie for a bit longer we're going to have to figure out how to hide your eyebrows. Sorry girlfriend there is no way you could pass as a guy with those."
"O crap! O crap!" I blurted out. Panicking I stood up and started pacing, I remembered my first reaction when I saw my face after she had thinned my brows. "I never even thought about that! What are we going to do?" I was about to have a full blown panic attack when Jen stood up and turned me to face her.
"Calm down, we'll figure something out okay!" She sat there examining my face for a minute and I could see the light flash in her eyes, she had an idea. "So do you still have those glasses you wore before you got contacts?"
Remembering them I made a face. "Ugh yeah, I hate those things! They made me look like a reject from a Buddy Holly convention!"
"I was just thinking those frames are thick enough to all but completely hide your eyebrows," she said smiling.
"Ugh no way Jen! You know Pop gets them from the eye place on base since he can "save" some money there. There is a reason they are called BC glasses; you know Birth control glasses," I say still making a face.
Smirking she tries to lighten the mood, and failingly says, "Well since you started several months ago it wouldn't hurt for you to have a bit of birth control," Mine and my Mom's eyes both widen when she said that.
"What!" Mom started to say.
"We will talk about this later this evening, please Mom," I beg. "One crisis at a time is all I can handle."
Jen realizing that Mom had no clue just how much I had truly hidden from them, "I'm sorry I didn't know... You didn't tell anyone? Oh my god Robbie I had no idea you were dealing with that by yourself also," She reached up to hug me, I could see Mom sitting on the couch upset. I decided that this weekend we were going to have a long talk and I'm going to have to tell them everything so these kinds of surprises don't happen again.
"Jen it's okay, we just haven't had the chance to talk about everything. "I give Mom an apologetic look hoping she can tell how sorry I am yet again.
Jen pulls back and says, "Robbie I know you hate those glasses, but they will hide your eyebrows. It will also have another advantage; it will make you look even more different than when you do finally show the real you to the world. Think of it just like a disguise, you know like Clark Kent?" She looks at me hopefully.
"Well yeah, I can see your point but geez Jen I really hate wearing them. Besides Clark Kent was disguising himself from being recognized as superman not from...." I say motioning to the rest of my body.
"You mean Super girl!" Jen says trying to resist giggling.
"Um, well... Um YEAH!" I blurt out trying to stand defiantly. Then I noticed the look of amusement on everyone's face I looked down at how I was standing. Both of my hands were in fists resting on my hips standing there in that dress and heels I looked like I was modeling for a Super girl movie poster. "Oh crap..." is all I said and the room burst out in laughter, after a minute I couldn't help but join in.
So for the rest of the afternoon we just planned, all 4 of us. Due to the time it will take to get the legal and medical documentation to change my birth certificate, and all the other associated things we had decided I would finish out my sophomore year as Robbie, or at least try to. By the end of the summer I should be able to legally and mentally accept my transition before I start my junior year. I know we will have to adjust the plan as everything progresses but at least we had a plan. I was strangely terrified and excited at the same time.
We continued on until early evening, and even with the bizarre conversation I kept getting this strange feeling. It is hard to describe but I could tell that Jen and our moms were treating me differently I couldn't place just how at first. I finally figured it out though, I was no longer a boy in their eyes. They were treating me just like Jen, as a teenage girl. That should have frightened me, but I had been so afraid for so long of being accepted it made me smile softly. I know they had promised to stick with me and that they accepted me, but in the end those were just words. Those unspoken and unconscious actions toward me gave me a sense of peace, enough that I knew that I could do this.
Before we left I changed back into my running gear, thankfully Mrs. Cook had washed it, so we could go home. As I came back down from changing both Mom and Mrs. Cook just smiled. Mrs. Cook then just told me that when I finally was ready to show the world, that she hoped that everyone was ready for me because I was going to blow them away. After a round of hugs and goodbyes Mom and I headed home, me following her in my little rag tag Ghia.
I wish I could say when I got home that it was all hugs and rainbows with my Step-Dad and I, it wasn't but that's okay. Our relationship had never been like that anyway, we talked for a bit and I explained everything to both him and Mom. He seemed to be very analytical about everything, he was after all a chemist by trade and only part time a Colonial in the Army. The only thing he really lectured me about was running away this morning, telling me that running from my problems never worked. It wasn't perfect, but he, I mean we, were trying. That's all I could ask from anyone.
Later that night I was lying in bed thinking about everything when Mom knocked and came in to my room. Gently she sat on the side of my bed, bent down and kissed me on the forehead. She hadn't done this in a long time and it was all I could do to keep from crying happy tears. We sat there for several minutes before she finally spoke.
"I need to tell you something and I think you need to know this." I nodded at her, unsure of what she was about to say. "You didn't know this, but when I was carrying you everyone thought you were going to be a girl. Your grandmother said she just knew it by how I was carrying you, the OBG-YN with his ultrasound, even I just knew you were going to be a girl. We were so surprised when you were born, we had prepared for a daughter and now we had a son. I wanted you to know I love you just as much as a daughter as I ever loved you as a son. Maybe even more so, with everything you have had to overcome. I'm glad you're my daughter baby, always remember that okay."
I just sat up and hugged her. "Mom I am so sorry for making you all worry so much and that I wish I had let you know everything from the start. I love you so much Mom," We sat there and both of us let a few tears flow with her rocking me, finally I had to know so I asked her, "I've been trying to think of a name for when I can't really keep being Robbie anymore. Since you had planned for a girl, what were you going to name me?"
She smiled saying, "We were going to name you after your Dad's Mom, Rebecca," While she had died when I was just a baby I had no memory of her other than stories Dad had told. They were good stories though so I just smiled.
"I like that." I paused for a minute contemplating everything before I continued. "I'm not ready for that right now, but when I am could that be my name?"
"Of course baby." She smiled softly. "You know Robert would be so proud of you, I know he's looking down and smiling," I could only hope he was, I missed my Dad so much. We sat there for a few minutes just lost in the moment, finally she tucked me in like I was six years old again, kissed me on the cheek and said, "Good night and sweet dreams my sweet girl."
When she had closed my door and I finally drifted off to sleep smiling, I'm glad to say I did.
The next day we ended up not going to church, which was odd but Mom had already made plans for the day. She ended up letting me sleep in till 9, she had checked in on me earlier and saw I was sleeping peacefully, which she knew didn't happen often so she let me sleep. She had asked me to help her cook breakfast when she did wake me, saying that omelet I had made the other morning was incredible. So we both cooked and all three of us had a nice, if late, breakfast. While eating she told me her plans for the day, I ended up being just a bit apprehensive of the whole idea but understood why. We were going shopping!! Oh joy...
Truthfully it wasn't that bad, she had only wanted to get me some clothes that actually fit to add what Mrs. Cook had already gotten me, jeans mostly. She had me follow her around and we picked out jeans that were plain and she even had us go around to the guys dressing rooms so I could try them on there. Even though I was really nervous most of the day I enjoyed our bonding. She did catch me looking at some of the really pretty dresses off and on, which I had to explain I was only curious what it would look like on me. It's not like I was wanting to go get all made up and decked out, I had just seen how I could look and the curiosity was starting to get the best of me. Overall though we had a really great day. We ended up picking up some Chinese takeout for supper and had a quiet evening in just the three of us.
Monday morning, I actually was able to sleep in an extra 45 minutes which was strange, but not having to bind and worry about hiding from my parents it was pretty nice to save that time. I still was ready much earlier than what used to be my norm, maybe I can get in an extra 30 minutes of sleep tomorrow. Instead of hiding in my room I actually went out and spent some time with Pop while I helped him with breakfast and talked some. The conversation didn't touch on the subject of me much, but it was at least pleasant. After a nice breakfast with both of them I even left for school early, what was the world coming to.
Arriving at school I was a mix of emotions, I mean I have hated coming to school for so many years for obvious reasons, then the incident two Fridays ago and then the last week was almost pleasant. Then this past weekend's self-discovery or self-acceptance had left me excited and nervous, the rest of my sophomore year isn't going to be boring at all I had a feeling. I had even beaten Jen to class so when she walked in and saw me already in my seat I started laughing when I caught her looking at her watch.
"You running late or something?" I teased her.
"Not hardly, it looks like someone is running awfully earlier than normal. "She told me giving me a mock glare," By the way, the glasses are working great, they are hiding those sexy eyes pretty well," she teased me, getting even for the late comment. I just rolled my eyes and we kept it to small talk until class started. Once Biology was over Jen stopped me for a second. "Hey at lunch come sit at my normal table okay."
"Umm why? Don't you think the other girls might have a problem with that?" I ask.
"Just trust me Robbie, you are my friend and they are my friends also. I really think y'all will hit it off great, they just need to get to know you. Besides when everything happens, you're going to need more than just me as a friend. Just give it a shot okay." She smiled and took off to her next class.
The next three classes went by like normal, well the new normal for me at least. It seems that it had gotten around that I had apologized to Perk and David after our run in and we were all on good terms now. Several people told me that that took a lot of class for me to do and in just over a week my social standing had gone from depressed super nerd, to bad ass super nerd, to now a smart and generally good guy who can be a bad ass. Life is weird, but its high school go figure.
Following Jen's orders, I found myself sitting with her and five of her girlfriends at lunch. Alicia, whom I had already known since I'd moved here in second grade, Michelle, Karen, Robin, and Holly. Alicia had slid down a seat when I got there so I could sit next to Jen with Alicia on my other side. At first the conversation was kind of subdued, I think the girls were trying to just get a feel for me but Jen and Alicia kept pulling me into the conversation. While it was still a bit awkward, it certainly beat sitting alone in my corner table. As we did get up to leave at the end of lunch Alicia did ask if I would sit with them again tomorrow. While Michelle and Robin were still being a bit standoffish, Karen and Holly agreed that I should, so I smiled and said okay.
The rest of the day was as normal as the new normal could be. I was able to get in a good run and workout in after school and made it back home when my parents did. We had a nice quiet night, other than both Mom and Pop had started looking into and telling me what all is going to have to be done to bring Rebecca officially to life. There was so much to do, I just hoped we could finalize it before I started 11th grade.
That's pretty much how my week went, generally people were being nicer to me as a whole and even the bullies were still leaving me alone. While I still saw the girl in the mirror, I no longer felt as if she was haunting me. I have realized that that girl is me now, even behind the thick framed glasses and compression vest she's there. I just keep thinking and trying to tell her, a few more months and you won't be stuck hiding anymore. I also continued sitting at the "girls" table at lunch and was actually becoming decent friends with Karen and Holly, Michelle and Robin though still didn't seem too enthused that I was there every day. Then Jen had a plan on Thursday.
"Hey I have an idea, since we all pretty much have the same classes why don't all of you come over to my house tomorrow and join Robbie and I on our normal study evening. With all of us there we could get help in any of the areas we might be struggling in. What do you all think?" Jen asked.
Several of the girls were immediately interested, they knew that due to our regular study sessions Jen and I were among the top of our class. Michelle and Robin were a bit more hesitant but finally agreed it couldn't hurt, they each needed help in subjects Jen and I excelled at.
"Ok so it's a date!" Jen said excitedly. "If any of you want to, we can make it a sleepover too; my Mom will be cool with it." Most of the girls were excited at that idea.
Robin glared at me and said, "My mom won't let me do a sleepover if there is a guy there!"
"Hey trust me the last thing I'm going to do is sleep over, I'm just there to study. I promise when we're done I'll be headed home," I told her.
That sort of calmed her down and everyone was actually excited and started to plan for the sleepover. Michelle asked, "Hey think we could order some pizzas and rent some movies to watch after we finish studying?" Most of the table was pretty enthusiastic about that idea, although it was Alicia that noticed the face I had made.
"What's that face for? Do you not like pizza?" she asked me slightly surprised.
"No I love pizza, it's just that with only Dominoes and Pizza Hut here to order from all you can get is cardboard with toppings!" I say still making a face. Almost everyone at the table looked at me like I had just grown a second head. Then Jen started laughing.
"Let me guess you make your own pizza too?" Jen teased me.
"Well yeah, duh!" I respond, sticking my tongue out at her.
Alicia looked surprised. "Wait a minute you can cook?" I just nodded, and noticed everyone just staring at me.
"Oh crap! I wasn't supposed to let y'all know that," I said hanging my head down in mock shame. Everyone was quiet and looking confused.
After a few moments Robin asked quietly, "Why did you not want us to know that?"
Slowly I looked up and started smirking. "This past week I've been sitting here, all I've been trying to do is to make y'all not think I was weird or anything."
Most of the table started giggling at that except Robin, she just sat there looking dead at me before she shook her head and started to grin, "Well we all knew you were weird, but I guess that's okay."
It didn't take but just a few moments after that before everyone started asking what all kind of pizzas I could make and what they all wanted on theirs so I ended up grabbing a piece of paper out of my backpack writing down orders. Right before lunch was over, Jen took the list from me and told me she would ask her mom to get all the stuff needed for the pizzas. She then leaned in and whispered, "You did good there with Robin, I told you they just needed to get to know you." She then kissed me on the cheek, smiled, and took off to her next class.
While I was gathering my stuff to head out, Alicia put her hand on my arm and quickly said smiling, "I actually think it's pretty cool that you can cook," She then winked at me and turned and headed out the lunchroom. I sat there for a moment longer and sighed thinking, yup this is definitely not going to be a boring year.
When school ended on Friday Jen rode home with me, after making a quick stop at my house to pick up any extra notes I had and a few items I forgot to mention to Jen for the pizzas, we headed on to her house. We had about an hour and a half till the girls were going to get there which left me plenty of time to get the dough started so it could do its thing and be ready for later. She noticed I had been messing with my shirt, after the first dozen or so times she started looking worried.
"What's wrong Robbie?" she asked.
"It's just that this past week I've been losing the vest right after school and honestly I've gotten kind of used to my boobs not being so confined. They're just really uncomfortable right now is all," I say still tugging at the vest trying to position my breasts a bit better so they would be more comfortable.
She comes up giving me a hug saying, "I wish you didn't have to confine them, I understand why you need to for right now... Do you think you'll be able to make it through the rest of the year?"
"Honestly I don't know," I say trailing off into silence.
Nothing else said we finished up the dough, hopefully we made enough for six pies. On top of all the girls wanting different stuff on their pizza Jen's mom said due to the cost of materials it was going to cost me an extra pizza for her and Mr. Cook, since they were also losing the kitchen and living room for the night.
By 6:00PM all the girls had arrived and we immediately started studying, Jen and I trying to help everyone else in the subjects they were struggling in. Even though I had finished Algebra II last year I spent most of the time helping Alicia with her math. At 7:15 the timer dinged letting me know the dough and yeast had finished doing its thing so I broke off to start prepping the pies. Since Jen and the others were busy stuck in their little groups Alicia followed me into the kitchen to give me a hand. That's what she said at least, she let me do most of the work and just handed me things when I needed them. With the Cook's oven I could only bake three at a time so once the first three were in the oven I started prepping the next three. Alicia got a little more into it on the last batch, but as we worked I noticed that we had slipped into that sort of easy conversation that I've always been able to have with Jen. It wasn't the same as it was with Jen, somehow it was different but it was still pretty cool. I definitely had the feeling that we were becoming pretty good friends by the time the last pizzas came out of the oven.
Once the pies were all done we retreated back to the living room after everyone had stocked up on pizza and drinks. Jen's parents grabbed their pizza and headed back to their bedroom so they could stay out of our way. Alicia sat right next to me on the couch and someone started a movie while we ate. A little after 9PM they paused the movie and they were like sorry but its late and its officially the sleep over and no boys allowed. I actually found myself upset about that, even though I had never really wanted to ever go to a sleep over before. A small part of me wanted to tell them everything just so I could stay and not feel left out all of a sudden, I had been so alone in my self-imposed exile from people I found I was craving the contact now. Sadly, I started gathering up my stuff, each of the girls came up and gave me a hug and thanking me profusely for the pies, even Michelle and Robin.
"You know I'm actually mad at you now," Robin told me frowning. Confused, I looked around trying to figure out what I did and she continues. "You've ruined all the pizza places in town for me, I'll never be able to enjoy them very much ever again," She looks at me seriously, then she forms a small smile and simply says. "Thank you."
"I'm glad you enjoyed it, I'm glad everyone enjoyed it," I told everyone. "Just remember to tip your wait staff next time!" I had to duck a few pillows thrown at me in laughter. I headed to the door with Jen and Alicia right behind us.
Jen hugs me at the door and whispers in my ear, "You were awesome tonight, I wish you didn't have to go though."
"Me either but we both know I can't just yet," I whisper back to her. "I never would have thought I would want to stay at a sleep over before"
She laughs and playfully slaps my arm. "Now get! No boys allowed," I could see though her eyes weren't laughing, I knew just how bad she wishes I could stay as well. Then she notices Alicia right there standing with us.
Alicia said while smiling, "I was just going to walk Robbie out, I wanted to ask him something."
"Okay, just don't stay out there long the movie won't wait for you," Jen told her, but I could see some worry on her face as she looked back at me.
Once outside Alicia stops me and tells me, "Robbie I just wanted to say thank you for the help with my Algebra, and also letting me help on the pizzas. I really had a lot of fun tonight."
I smiled at her, "You are more than welcome, I had fun too."
"I was wondering... umm... I have an Algebra test next Tuesday, do you think you could come over and help me study for it Monday night?" She asked hopefully.
"Yeah sure, you were doing your problems really well tonight, but yeah I wouldn't mind at all." I smile.
Alicia doesn't quite jump for joy, but she does jump up and gives me a huge hug and kiss on the cheek and says, "You are awesome!! Thank you so much" Letting me go, she gives me a small wink and flashes her incredible smile at me. "See you Monday at school."
"Definitely," I tell her. "I'm looking forward to it," I was genuinely smiling happily as I turned to walk to my car. I was thinking how great tonight had turned out, I have cemented my friendships with the girls and it looks like Alicia and I were becoming really great friends as well. Had I not been so blinded to everything around me for the last few years I might have been able to see what was really going on around me. Unfortunately, I walked to my car whistling happily, completely oblivious to the curve ball I was about to be tossed.
Chapter 8
Leaving Jen's house my good mood left quickly, I started to think how it made me feel to have to leave. I was starting to feel like I was becoming part of something spending time with the girls, but just as quickly I was reminded I was still an outsider. I might always be an outsider once everyone knows. My mood just kept falling and by the time I walked in the door, Mom immediately noticed something was wrong. I guess it was true how everyone tells me just how expressive my face is.
"Sweetie what's wrong?" she asked pretty concerned. After all that has come out the past few weeks, I've noticed her keeping a much closer eye on me and my moods. I told her to let me get out of my compression vest first and I'll be right back. A few minutes later I come back into the living room dressed in one of my sleep shirts that Jen had given me, it was a dark purple color and came down to just above my knees. I sat down on the couch tucking my legs up under me, which my mom noticed and I caught her smiling.
"What are you grinning at?" I asked. With her, there was no way of knowing exactly what to suspect.
"Just the way you are sitting, at times it looks like you've always been a girl is all. Maybe its just the imagination of an old woman. Who knows? Seriously what was bothering you when you came in?" She asked
I shrugged, "Tonight was really fun, even studying with the Jen and all the girls. Even with them putting me to work cooking, I enjoyed spending time with them and when I was told to go since it was "officially" the sleep over and no boys were allowed, I really, really didn't want to leave. A very large part of me wanted to blurt out the truth, just so I could stay with them. I know it wouldn't be that easy... I wish it was though."
"How do you think the other girls will respond when you do decide to tell them?" she asked.
"Honestly I don't know... I mean I hope they would accept me as easily as Jen, I guess that's her point in having me try to become close friends with them. I understand that... It's just so hard right now... Moments like now there is a a part of me that wishes I could just go back to the way I was a few week ago." I start whimpering.
Getting up and coming to sit next to me on the couch she says, "No baby I don't think you mean that. Just look how far you've come in just a few weeks." She puts her arms around me in a hug.
"But then at least I wouldn't be hurting like this," I say as I lean into her shoulder crying.
"I know it feels that way now sweetie, but you were hurting so much worse before. You just couldn't see it, those that love you could though.," She whispers and she holds me while I let my frustrations out. We sit like that for a while until she tucks me in bed. She simply said as she was closing my door, "This too shall pass, I promise."
I got up early the next morning so I could go on my normal Saturday morning run before the "event" Jen and our moms had planned for the day. I spent at least twenty minutes just staring into the mirror comparing my reflection to a picture of me from a year ago. I was trying to see what had changed, other than my eyebrows. I was having a hard time seeing the boy I thought I had been, even in the older picture. Finally, I finished getting ready and headed out, borrowing Mom's car. We had decided that since my run on campus the other day, it would be good for me to keep running there where people wouldn't be likely to recognize me. I was having more and more of an aversion to my compression vest and honestly I was preferring to keep my breasts in a sports bra than smashed down... My car, the Ghia, while a cool little car, it was the only one like it I've seen since we've lived here. Mom's white Taurus though was a dime a dozen and if she didn't need it I would take it for my runs. I quickly found that I enjoyed running around campus than my normal tracks, since I didn't have to try to keep my Robbie disguise up. It was strange that the person that I thought I had always been was starting to feel like that, simply a disguise.
I had a good run though, I found that I had quit pushing myself so hard and my runs were becoming more and more enjoyable... The thought that I have had to push myself so hard so I could "punish" my body for its betrayal wasn't quite there as much anymore. The only thing that was new I was having to deal with was the guys that would see me and try to keep up so they could "chat" with the short haired girl with the hot body. The first time it had happened it had freaked me out a lot, I was so panicked I just took off in a full sprint and left the guy in my dust. So far its happened several times during each run, and I got less and less surprised and realized I could make it a game. I've heard just what guys actually say behind women's backs having grown up on that side of the gender divide so I thought maybe I could get a little revenge for my new gender. Today was going to be no different as this really muscular guy was trying fairly hard to gain on me. I didn't realize it at first, but I actually slowed my stride just a tiny bit to make it easier for him to catch up. Like I said, this has become almost a game to me. I knew what I looked like, and I knew that guys were going to respond, so why not make it into a game. It made sense to me at the time at least.
"Hey what's the hurry there sweetheart? Are you new around campus? I haven't seen you running around here before," the new guy asks, slightly winded already, when he catches up with me finally.
"No, I'm not new," I say flashing him a quick smile, "I'm from Starkville I just started running on campus though. The scenery is much better than the tracks I've been running on." I knew what I meant, but he didn't obviously. He grinned and tried to puff up his chest a bit showing off. I adjusted my stride to get about 5 more paces a minute, he adjusted to keep up but it was minor enough I don't think he noticed.
"I'm a senior here in engineering, name's Bill." He smiled at me and tried to stick his hand out to shake mine, it was kinda creepy and goofy at the same time. I just looked at his hand and giggled.
Since I couldn't tell him my legal name at the moment I say, "Rebecca, and I'm just a lowly sophomore." I step it up a few more paces a minute, smiling at him. He was a big guy and I know he was already struggling to keep the pace, but I just wanted to see how far he would push himself. I was trying to keep from laughing, but couldn't hide my amusement which I'm pretty sure he mistook my smiling at him.
Really starting to sound winded he pants out, "Rebecca you didn't tell me what you're majoring in?"
"I know I didn't." I barely get out; I'm getting so tickled.
"Hey why don't we meet up later tonight, maybe have some drinks and dinner?" He barely gets out between his heavy panting. He's also starting to slow down; I knew all that mass couldn't keep up for long.
I spin around and run backwards for a second and say giggling, "Maybe when I told you I was a sophomore I should have elaborated, in High School." He stops, looking stunned and trying to catch his breath. "Bye, Bye Bill, it was nice running with you." I spun around and didn't look back. That was just too damned easy.
When I pulled in the carport I saw Mrs. Cook's car, crap they got here earlier than expected. Walking in the door I immediately started getting fussed at by three women at once, still tickled from my experience on the run this morning I couldn't help but laugh when I said I would rush in the shower. Fifteen minutes later I was drying off in the shower and in my room and had barely got my panties on when Jen burst into my room.
"Was you run that fun this morning?" She asked trying to figure out why I was still amused. I told her the quick version of the game I have started playing on my runs. "So you're having that much fun flirting with guys?"
Stunned at that last question I stammer out, "But, but... I'm not flirting, it's just a game! They are going to try to hit on me no matter what, I thought instead of running from them like they were an axe murderer like I did that first guy; that I should try to "play the part" you know. It's just a game..." I drift off starting to wonder. Am I flirting? That's what the guys think, I know.
"Rebecca!" She all but shouts pulling me out of my thoughts. "There you are I called you Robbie three or four times with no response. Hmm, well whatever you are doing just promise me that you will be careful. Some guys might have a hard time taking no for an answer."
I couldn't help but laugh at that. "Not much they could do about it, so for the meatheads that have tried could barely keep pace for ¾ of a mile and I was taking it slow. They couldn't catch me if they wanted to."
"Well maybe not, but just be careful." With that she started handing me an outfit. "Remember the deal for today, you are and will be Rebecca so you can start trying to act and respond like a girl would. That means you will dress and act the part.," she grins evilly.
"Yes mother," I sarcastically reply. I am not looking forward to this, I'm regretting that I agreed to today. Our plan is to take "Rebecca" shopping for most of the day, including dinner before we come back home. Since we couldn't do it here without someone probably recognizing me with Mom, we are headed to The Galleria in Birmingham. It's almost a threehour drive so that's why we were planning to leave at around 10AM. Resigned I put on the capris, with the sleeveless top cut just low enough to show off some cleavage and my locket. After another twenty-five minutes of Jen putting makeup on me we are loaded up in her Mom's car and headed out almost an hour and a half earlier than I had expected. It's going to be a long day.
The drive was actually fun; I'm glad Mrs. Cook is driving her car and not Mom. Look, I love my Mom to death but there is only so much I can take of the Rogers and Hammerstein's musicals she has on cassettes and will eventually wear out. We laugh and joke most of the trip, my first public outing, outside of my exercising, occurs in Tuscaloosa where we make a pit stop. Some guy close to our age comes up and starts trying to talk to me while we were in line to get our drinks. My first reaction was to run away; Jen wouldn't let me. I don't even remember to this day if I gave him an intelligent response I was so horrified. The rest of the trip was spent with all three of them trying to get me out of the funk that encounter put me in.
When we finally got to the mall, I was in a bit better mood and I had resigned myself to play this just like the same game I played when running. I could do this. Another purpose to this trip was to get me fully fitted for some bras and not just wear ones we "guessed" would be a decent fit. At first I was horrified, but then the curiosity I had felt shopping with mom for jeans last week had started to pique up. Then I started to at least not have a horrible time, then we broke for lunch at the food court. Jen wanted to sit by ourselves away from our moms, I thought so we could have a private conversation, which was partly true. What she didn't let me know though, was that there were two guys that had been talking with her while I was stuck in the fitting rooms. While her and I were talking about how the day had gone so far, these two guys show up asking if they could sit with us. Before I could do anything from the surprise though she agreed, the taller of the two sitting next to me and smiling profusely.
"Hi I'm Trey," he says smiling and reaching out to shake my hand. Stunned I can barely say my name and letting him taking my hand in his. "Hi Rebecca, it's a pleasure to meet you. Hope you don't mind but we were talking to Jen earlier and she said to meet y'all here."
Glaring at Jen I said, "That was really nice of her, wish she would have let me know." Starting to get over my shock I remembered it's just a game, the guys are playing their own game anyway. "Sorry Trey, you two just caught me off guard is all. So, what are you guys doing out at the mall today." I flash the best most amazing smile I could at him, one I'd actually started practiced it in the mirror before going on my runs. I could see that for a second my turnabout surprised him, but he recovered quickly. The way Jen was looking at me, she was having a harder time recovering than Trey. I couldn't help but giggle at her, silly Trey thought I was giggling at a lame joke he told. I actually realized that I was sort of having fun, I mean I wasn't the least bit interested in either of the two guys but it was fun interacting with them.
The rest of the lunch went along well, after Jen got over the shock of my sudden change in personality she started having fun too. Occasionally I would notice her give me an odd look over something I said or did, finally our Moms came to our rescue and we had to go back to shopping. We said our goodbyes to the boys and they quickly handed us their numbers on a napkin, I just giggled and stuck it in my purse when we walked away. Jen whispered to me that we have to talk when we get home.
Rest of the afternoon actually went pretty well overall, I got several outfits I can wear when I'm ready for a Rebecca outing, and we even had a nice dinner at Red Lobster in Tuscaloosa on our way home. I almost felt sorry for our poor server, I had forgotten to quit playing the "game" so to speak. Of course, I really enjoyed all the looks of surprise I kept getting from both our Mom's and Jen. It was too late for Jen to have a talk with me when we finally got home, she promised to come over tomorrow after church though.
Mom came in to tuck me in after I was able to get all my makeup off of me, I started thinking I'm too old for her to be doing this but honestly I didn't mind. I had missed this closeness we had had from before and wasn't ready for her to stop doing it..
"I'm proud of you for today. As the day progressed you started opening up and honey it was amazing to watch you start to blossom.," She smiled, while she wasn't crying I could see how her eyes were glistening though that she wasn't far from it.
"Mom, I won't lie. I was scared to death at first, then I started treating it like a game. I was trying to see just how much like a girl I could act, I was mostly starting it to mess with those two boys...," I trailed off thinking for a minute. "Then towards the end of the day I was having a hard time turning the act off. Thank you for talking me into today, it was a really good day. I love you Mom." I finished while I hugged her.
"Baby I'm starting to think that just maybe it wasn't an act at all... Guess we will have to see how things keep going okay. Sweet dreams baby girl, I love you too." She left and turned off the lights and before I knew it I was out like a light.
The next morning, I got up with every intention of going to church, but after my shower and starting to get dressed I got to the point of putting the vest on and I started to get really depressed. Mom came in to check on me and found me sitting on my bed sobbing. I had my jeans on and was holding the vest, I just couldn't bring myself to put in on.
"Baby what's wrong?" she immediately sat down trying to console me.
"Mom..." I managed between sobs. "I just can't do it this morning. I don't want to wear this thing." I all but shouted and threw the damned thing across my room. Which only caused me to start up my tears in full force.
"Baby... I don't know what to tell you, I'm willing to give taking Rebecca to church a chance if you want to," she says carefully.
That totally surprised me, I started to look up at her hopefully but then I realized the problems it would cause if we did that before we were all ready. "Thank you for that, but no. Can I just stay at home today? Please! I need to work on getting my mind back in the right place for school tomorrow, it's just too early to do that just yet." I told her, not wanting to believe my own words but I was trying to.
After church Jen caught a ride home with my parents and they found me out in the back yard working on the Ghia. My window regulators had finally come in so I was installing them so I could finally retire those vise grips I had to use to roll my windows down back to the tool box. I had already finished my passenger side and was working on the drivers when Jen came out back.
"Hey how are you doing? Your Mom told me what happened this morning, I was just a bit worried when I didn't see you with them at church." She asked sitting down in the passenger seat.
I think I'm doing okay, well better than I was this morning. Maybe coming out here doing something manly is helping," I joked.
She laughed telling me, "Sorry to disappoint you but with those boobs sticking out of that tank top you are going to be hard pressed to do anything remotely manly."
Joining her in her laughter, I responded, "That is probably a true statement, but that's why I brought this thing back here so no one would see me. This morning was just really hard after what all happened yesterday." She just nodded.
I proceeded to tell her what I had told mom, about how the act started feeling too normal. We talked about yesterday and everything that had happened while I finished putting my door back together. We talked for several hours until her mom showed up to pick her up. We hugged and I told her I'd see her in Biology tomorrow, well then I corrected myself. Robbie will see her there.
Later that evening while we were eating dinner, Pop cleared his throat and told me, "Rob... I mean Rebecca." He started to smile at me. "I'm guessing that we need to revisit the deal with that car."
"Huh what do you mean?" I said surprised.
"Well now that you've started, to well, umm.... Be who you are." I could tell he was having a hard time getting it out but he continued, "I was thinking that maybe we could see about getting you a newer car and finally get rid of the Ghia.
For a second I was excited, I mean a new car. Well new to me at least. "Really!!" I said excitedly, but just as quickly I started to think about the history of that old VW. My look of excitement completely disappeared. I mean that old car has been in the family longer that I have been, I mean my Dad had bought it right before they found out I was on the way. He had gotten it for next to nothing due to it had already been wrecked. By the time he had gotten it drivable I was almost ready to start walking. I vaguely remember "helping" him when he worked on it handing him tools and stuff like that. I couldn't bring myself to get rid of it.
Seeing my downcast face Pop said, "What's wrong? I thought you would be happy with something different."
"Pop, thank you for the offer, but I can't get rid of it. It was Dad's." That's all I could get out.
Nodding in realization he told me, "I understand, but instead of you doing all the work maybe we can start taking it somewhere to get it fixed up."
"I'd rather not, could we just keep the agreement we had. I like working on it, I'm good at it. Besides I feel closer to Dad when I'm tinkering on it." I said softly, wiping some tears that had formed.
He sadly smiled, "You know you are so much like him, even with, umm, everything you've been going through. I see him in you all the time. I understand why you want to keep the agreement the way it is, but I will have to change it some. If you can get all the prep work done on it by summer I'll pay to have it painted for you before you, and I mean the real you, goes back for your junior year."
Excitedly I jumped out of my seat, "Really!!!" That would be awesome!!" Before thinking about how we weren't exactly into expressing emotions with each other, I leaned in and gave him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you Pop, I'll get it ready. I promise" I could feel my new tears running down my cheeks.
"I know you will honey. I do know one thing. Robert would be so proud of you," he told me softly while I hugged him. "Because I know just how proud I am." Then he kissed me on the cheek and Mom came over and joined in the family hug.
Later that night I was lying in bed after being tucked in by Mom and Pop this time and all I could think of was how lucky I was. Not that I became a girl, but for the people who I had who were close to me. I'd never have made it this far without them. To keep from letting them down and disrupting all the plans we've made I do have to do one thing. Tomorrow is Monday and I, well Robbie, has to go to school. It's time for me to get my game face on.
Chapter 9
I ended up not sleeping very well and therefore I was up earlier than planned, that suited me just fine though. It gave me plenty of time to accomplish what I needed, so I could prepare for the day as Robbie. It was still hard getting myself to put on the vest, but our plan, not mine, counted on me holding my end of it of it up. This was necessary until we got all the legalities out of the way. Looking in the mirror after I got dressed I could still see me, even behind the glasses and polo shirt. I guess though that old adage that people see what they expect to see holds true, I was expecting to see Rebecca now and not Robbie. Now I just hope it holds true for everyone at school. My hair, which was still kind of short for a girl, was starting to look just a bit shaggy for "old me" now. Taking some of Jen's advice I applied some hair gel hoping it would keep it laying down enough to hide the length some. Not seeing anything out of place I go start preparing to make breakfast. Since I did get up so early why not make it easier for Pop this morning.
I was only about a third of the way through making the giant omelet when he came in and surprised me by putting his hand on my shoulder. When I turned he gently gave me a soft hug.
"Morning, how are you holding up so far?" he asked me.
"Pretty good I guess, since I was up early I thought I'd give y'all a hand," I replied shrugging my shoulders. "This is harder than I had thought it would be, but I can do it."
"Well maybe you won't have to do this as long as we had initially planned, as it turns out we have all of the medical paperwork required already done, so it's just the legal aspects. We can expedite everything as quickly as possible so you don't have to keep up this charade as long as we originally planned."
"How long?" was all I could ask.
"I talked to a friend at the courthouse, remember Gene? He used to be in my unit before he retired. He said we can get the paperwork filed in the next week to edit your birth certificate, would take a bit over a month maybe two tops. As far as your name change he said we could have that done in a few weeks. So hopefully just before Christmas, I thought that would make an excellent present for you," he said smiling.
I felt my eyes start to water so I grabbed him in a hug. "Thank you that would be awesome."
After a minute, he chuckled, "Not that I mind the hug, but your omelet might be burning," I just let him go and nodded. I turned away wiping the tears that had formed and gave our breakfast the attention it needed.
"Hey blackened works for fish and chicken, why not for an omelet?" I managed to joke. He just smiled and chuckled softly while he was starting his coffee maker.
A bit later when we were all sitting down eating our chargrilled omelet Mom smiled at me and said, "I take it he told you what we had discussed yesterday?" I nodded afraid of talking and getting too emotional again. "Okay so I take you are in agreement that this would be best?" I didn't know if this would be best, but I honestly didn't know if I could manage being Robbie for the rest of school year. I nodded yes. Moods were high and we were all excited enough that it didn't even matter that our breakfast was slightly burned.
When I walked into Biology that morning, I found Jen already sitting in her seat, I smiled and told her good morning. She looked a bit surprised to find me in such a good mood.
"Morning, I was worried about how you would be doing this morning. It looks like you're doing pretty good though," She smiled.
"Yeah my parents told me some really good news this morning, I think it's really good news at least," I told her smiling. "I'll fill you in later okay?" She nodded so we talked about random stuff until class started.
At lunch, all of the girls got up and gave me a hug, even Robin who so far had been the hardest to win over. It was a huge change from the first time I sat here with them. I did notice some of the guys in the lunch room giving me some nasty looks though, they probably couldn't figure out how I had gotten accepted at this table so easily. The conversation was mostly about how much fun they had Friday night and that they needed to do it again. I tried to smile and look like I wasn't bothered but Jen could see my expression and was nice enough to change the subject to something less frustrating for me. As we were all headed back to class Alicia did flash me that gorgeous smile of hers and confirmed I was coming over tonight to study. When I told her of course she hugged me and said she will see me at 6. The rest of the day was just regular boring school stuff. I did finally get to talk to Jen about the news my parents had given me this morning when I drove her home, which was becoming the norm. Jen looked excited and worried about at the same time.
"I'm glad they can do it quicker, and I know that you're having a hard time being, well the old you I guess. Have you figured out how you're going to let the school know? Are you ready for that?" she asked.
"Honestly? I don't know if I'm ready for like the whole world to know, but I do know I really don't think I can keep up this charade up until summer. It's just gotten so difficult to put on this," I say, motioning to myself.
She nods and softly smiles, "Okay, well you know I'll help out in any way I can. You do know that if you're going to do this earlier than we need to try to acclimate you quicker to being out in public here. Going to Birmingham or Jackson is going to take more time than you really have now."
"I hadn't really thought about that," I tell her drifting off into thought.
"Let me talk to my Mom and we can see what we can come up with okay?" she tells me.
"Okay, just don't throw me too far out in the deep end too quickly. Please," I tell her, I'm terrified and strangely curious. I mean I'm not "hiding" per se running on campus, but I am in a way. We end up at her house going over our biology until it's time for me to head to Alicia's.
Giving me a hug she whispers, "Be careful okay."
"Hmm okay, we're just going to be studying," I reply.
"I hope you're right," she says so softly I almost didn't hear her. Driving over to our study session I kept trying to figure out what she meant, eventually I just ended up thinking she was talking about me and hiding my secret.
Arriving at Alicia's about 10 minutes early, her parents welcomed me in and told me how much they appreciated me helping her with Algebra. Now don't get me wrong Alicia is a pretty smart girl, from our previous study session I really didn't think she needed my help. If she felt she needed it I was glad to help her out, as she was quickly becoming a really good friend to me. When she came down a few minutes later I noticed she had changed out of what she was wearing at school today, she looked really nice. She had changed out of her jeans and knit top to a skirt and blouse, still nothing set off any alarms with me yet.
"Wow! You look amazing! I feel just a bit underdressed now, I thought we were just studying." I smiled when I saw her.
"Oh this? It's really nice of you for noticing, but can't a girl just dress nice for no reason?" she said flashing that killer smile again.
"Uh, sure I guess so," I said, starting to feel a bit uncomfortable. It finally started sinking in that something wasn't exactly right with this situation. Doubting myself though I tried to push that thought out of my mind.
"Ready to get started?" she said, motioning to the couch where her algebra book and stuff was already sitting.
Maybe nothing out of the ordinary was happening and I was just imagining things, it wasn't the first time I would have been wrong about a situation. Nodding I plopped down on the couch and said, "Sure where do you want to start?"
Sitting down we both started going over the areas she claimed she was struggling with. We had been going for about forty minutes when her parents came back downstairs. They were dressed really nice and looked like they were preparing for a night out.
"Wow! Where are you two headed looking all fancy?" Alicia asked them.
"Honey don't you remember that your Dad had that business dinner tonight. I'm sure we told you last week," Her Mom said.
"Oh I do remember you mentioning that now, I forgot it was tonight though," she said innocently.
Her father looked at me for a moment curiously for a moment before he said, "Well we've got to go otherwise we'll be late, you two behave yourselves," He still was giving me a strange look. I was trying to decide if he saw something about "Robbie" that was a bit off, or if he was sizing me up to be safe around his daughter.
"Not a problem sir," I told him, grinning I added, "Maybe you should tell that to the Algebra, its being really rough at the moment," He gave me that odd look for a few seconds and then realized I was joking and with that they were out the door.
Alicia just sat there for a moment flashing that smile again, the one she's been flashing at me for the past few days. I started getting that odd feeling again, still thinking it was just my imagination I shrugged it off. Trying to get back to the task at hand I just said, while holding out the algebra book, "So, where were we?"
She looked at the book and scooted just a bit closer and pointed at one of the problems. "Here I think." We started back up and while she had appeared to be having problems earlier now she was doing great, hell she was doing better than great. She was working the problems almost as quickly as I could. Finally, after almost fifteen minutes of this that odd feeling was getting stronger before I finally had to ask her.
"Alicia, what's going on. You looked like you were needing some help at first, but now..." I said unsure how to phrase the next part of the question.
She scooted just a bit closer smiling at me. "Maybe it's just that you are that great of a tutor." She picked up the book out of my lap and sat it behind her on the couch.
"No I'm not Alicia, what's going on?" The whole scene was just now starting to make sense to me, but I still couldn't figure out how it involved me. I mean I had been labeled a nerd, or geek or even a nerdy geek for several years, there is no way what I was starting to think could be the truth.
"How long have we been friends Robbie? Since you moved here in the 2nd grade, right?" She asks.
I nodded. "That sounds about right, why?"
"I know that you and Jen were always better friends, she is just a friend, right? I mean you two aren't like an item, are you?" she asks.
"What? No! Of course, we're not dating, she's been my best friend for years. That would just feel weird," I blurt out. That seems to make her smile even bigger and she scoots up even closer.
"You probably never even knew it, but I had a huge crush on you when we were in like the 5th grade, but you and Jen were always together. I never thought I had a chance," she said softly looking down at her lap.
"What? I didn't know that... Jen and I were and still are only best friends. Why are you telling me this now?" I ask fearfully. I'm afraid of what she is about to tell me, and at the same time my heart was starting to race from excitement.
"Look I've always liked you, even when you started going through.... Whatever it was that you were dealing with. You started looking so sad and then you were wearing all that baggy stuff like you were trying to hide from the world. Then the past few weeks, whatever was bothering you seemed to start going away. You started coming out of your shell, and I started to see who I had that crush on again," She told me very softly, when she looked up I could see tears forming.
"Alicia... Why me though? I mean you could have any guy you wanted, why me?" I softly demanded. I had never had to face a conversation like this, and honestly never imagined I would ever have to.
"Robbie, you've always been like this super smart guy, but I never once thought of you as a nerd. You were funny and always easy to talk to. You also treated me like a person, always. Not like any other of the guys. When you would talk to me you would actually listen and always look me in the eyes and not just stare at my boobs. Robbie, you are one of the sweetest guys I've ever known," she said softly as she stared at me hopefully and gently clasped my hand in hers.
Stunned I could barely reply, bowing my head I said softly, "Alicia, but... I mean look, I think you are amazing but I can't... I mean I know what you might think but I'm not... I'm well not a..," I couldn't say a guy for the life of me, I wanted to tell her. The last thing I would want to do is hurt her, I did like Alicia she was a great person. I had never thought of her, or anyone like that though, so I just sat there stammering for a few seconds unable to look up at her.
I felt her get a bit closer, but I was trying to think of just what to say when I felt her hand lift up my chin. As I started to look up at her I realized just how close she was when I felt her lips touch mine. My first thought was to make her stop, but my body just froze as she kissed me, softly, tentatively at first. It was so soft and nice. It immediately made my body feel all warm and tingly and it felt so good I didn't want to stop. Not listening to my brain, I felt myself lean in just a bit and kiss her in return. Since I had never ever kissed anyone other than my parents when I was little, I didn't know just exactly what to do. My body did though, it returned the kiss softly at first than with more feeling. I gently raised my hand and caressed her cheek when the tingling that was quickly covering my entire body hit something more, umm intimate. That snapped my mind back into control, and I quickly stood up and took a step back looking at her. My knees were weak and I was still trying to process what had just happened.
"Alicia... Wow... I never intended..." I was stammering and not making any sense, I reached up and touched my lips, I could feel and taste her lipstick on me. Looking at her I could see that my reaction had hurt her and it crushed me. I felt myself starting to cry, I said to her "Alicia, I'm so sorry. God I'm sorry. I wish I could... I mean I wish you and me could... I can't!!" The tears were falling pretty freely at this point so I turned from her to hide the fact I was crying...
"Robbie what do you mean you can't? Why can't you? Don't you like me?" she said, the hurt evident in her voice. She grabbed my shoulder, turns me back towards her and sees just how much I am crying. Really looking confused now, she continues, "Why are you crying? Robbie what's wrong? Talk to me!"
Sniffling I tell her, "I never in a million years would ever want to hurt you, but Alicia you and I can only be friends. I wish we could be more but it wouldn't be fair to you..," My voice just drifts off at that point and I look down at my feet.
Suddenly a look of realization comes across her face. "Oh My God!! Are you telling me you're gay? That would make so much sense!!" She blurts out.
"What no! I'm not gay!" Then it hits me I'm technically a girl who just really enjoyed kissing another girl, maybe I am. Do I like guys? So far I haven't been attracted to any. Then the words "I don't think so" slip out of my mouth.
"What? You don't think so? I mean don't you know who you're attracted to? What the hell Robbie?!?!" she shouts at me, her anger rising.
"Alicia!!! Stop for a minute!! Give me a second to get this right, I don't want to fuck it up like I have everything else..," I tell her tears still streaming. Still really angry she just nods and says okay. After a few moments, I regain most of my wits and resume trying to talk to her. "Alicia first you have to understand; I have never let myself think about something like that. I've known that I could never be with anyone like that... So, I refused to ever consider anything along those lines," I had to stop talking, as my body started to shudder with my crying.
A bit, and only a bit, softer she says, "Robbie what do you mean you could never be with anyone? That's bullshit, you're a pretty amazing guy," That only set my crying off even worse.
"No I'm not!" I manage to get out between sobs. "I'm really not."
"Robbie yes you are!! Quit acting like you're not amazing..." she starts to say.
"BUT I'M NOT A GUY!!!" I almost shout. Quickly realizing I'm about to blurt out my secret to her, the fear sinks in and I add, "not really", in barely a whisper. I noticed then that I have backed into the wall, I didn't realize that the whole time I had been backing away from her and she had steadily been trying to stay closer.
She gently puts her hand on my arm and with her other hand lifts my face to meet hers. "What do you mean you're not really a guy? What are you talking about?" Her anger has pretty much faded and been replaced by concern and maybe curiosity.
Looking directly into her eyes I decide to tell her part of the truth; I can't bring myself to tell her everything yet. "Alicia... I was born with a birth defect... I was born without... Umm... without testicles... We found out when I was around twelve... I'll never develop as a guy... I'll never be able to perform like...Someone like you would want me too... I..," I can't say anymore because I totally break down and slide down the wall until I'm sitting on the floor.
Alicia sits down and puts her arms around me and just holds me until I eventually cry it all out. Finally, I'm able to look at her again and say to her, "Alicia. I'm sorry... I.."
"Shhh Robbie, it's okay. That really doesn't change the fact that I still like you," she said as she softly kissed my forehead.
"Alicia, I like you too. The last think I'd ever want to do is hurt you, but I just can't be that... You deserve someone who's whole. I still feel like I'm only half a person..." I say drifting off.
She just sadly smiles and stands up offering me her hands, which I take and she helps me to my feet. She leads me into the kitchen and starts cleaning the tears off my face with a clean hand towel. Fixing us both a Coke, we end up sitting in the kitchen for a bit just lightly touching on what I told her earlier. About half an hour later I think I had calmed down enough to drive and as she walks me to the door she stops me right at the door.
"Robbie, I know what you've told me and you're not ready. I honestly don't think I care about you saying you can't... well you know," she says blushing. I smile gently at her looking her directly into her eyes and she continues, "While I haven't kissed that many guys, I do have to say that you by far are the best I've ever kissed," She gently giggles at that comment.
"Well you are definitely the best that I've ever kissed," I tell her smirking.
She playfully slaps me on the arm and teases back, "Well from what you've said I'm the only one you've kissed. Seriously though, until you are ready I want to leave you with one thing."
Confused just a bit, I nod and say, "Okay what?" Expecting her to hand me something she stands on her tip-toes and lays another kiss on me, my mind being shocked again freezes but my body reacts and returns the kiss. I am unable to regain control of my body until her leg softly slides between mine and had she not had me pressed against the door my legs would have caved on me at that very moment, the sensations were that intense. Breaking the kiss, I look down at her and she's got this smile plastered on her face, it's a mix of mischief and contentedness.
"Whenever you're ready, you just remember what's waiting for you okay," she tells me, almost in a dreamlike state. Then she opens the door leaning on it and watches me as I walk out to my car. It took every bit of self-control I had to be able to make it to the car with my legs feeling like Jell-O. Trying to drive home with my shaking and trembling legs was yet another challenge, having an old manual transmission wasn't helping either. I could never remember ever feeling like this, on top of my legs my entire body felt strangely warm and tingling all over and I mean ALL over. I couldn't sit still in my seat for the life of me. As I was fidgeting while sitting at a red-light I couldn't help but notice all the stars were out. I looked up towards the heavens and I could swear I could feel the universe's amusement at my situation.
I gently shook my head and muttered. "At least I hope you're having a good chuckle at this." The light turned green and I continued on my way home.
To Be Continued in Part 10.
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Author's Note: Thank you everyone that is following my story, the feedback is greatly appreciated.These are the last three completed chapters, so now you will be caught up to where I am. The rest of the chapters will be posted one at a time after this. ~Rebecca
The rest of the way home I kept thinking about that one question that Alicia had asked me. Are you gay? I had never thought about that, or let myself think about that. I had truly believed that I would be alone the rest of my life since I thought that I was a guy, even if my body wasn't. I had fully never intended to let anyone get close enough to me, figure it was better to be alone than rejected. I was still deep in thought about that question when I walked in the house and found Mom sitting in her easy chair watching TV.
“Hey, how was the study session?” she asked.
I shrugged, because I still didn’t know if I was happy or upset to think about the evenings events. “I don’t know Mom.” I proceeded to tell her about some of tonight, but couldn’t manage to tell her about the kissing and how it made me feel, I also left out the worry I was having about being gay, straight, or whatever I was.
“Do you regret telling her what you did?” Mom asked.
“No I’m not, I mean... I needed to let her down, but without hurting her feelings. I wanted to tell her everything, but I couldn’t… I was too afraid…”, I replied, trailing off lost in my thoughts.
“Baby, while you were trying so hard not to hurt her, you were also afraid of her hurting you if I’m not mistaken. You like her, don’t you?” She asked softly. I wasn’t sure how to answer that at first. Thinking about it for a few moments I finally responded.
“I know I shouldn’t, but I think I really do. I’m just so confused right now. I’m a girl, who still thinks of herself as a guy, who likes another girl. Does that make me straight, gay, or something completely different?” I tell her.
“Baby, aside from the whole boy girl thing, you like someone who likes you back. That sweetie simply makes you human, forget about the other stuff right now okay.” She says softly while smiling gently at me.
I couldn’t help but smile at her for that, and got up and firmly hugged her while she sat in her chair. “Thanks Mom, I needed that. I love you.”
“I love you too sweetie”, She said while hugging me back.
Lying in bed later that night it felt like my mind was running a marathon trying to decide just what my orientation was. I was trying to figure out the whole are you gay question. I knew I was attracted to Alicia, but I didn’t know why. She was beautiful I knew that, but thinking of other girls who were just as pretty didn’t really do anything for me. It appeared I wasn’t attracted to girls physically, so I started trying to imagine guys who I thought would be considered attractive. I ran through several in my head with nothing sparking my interest. I am attracted to Alicia but not to other girls I know, and definitely not any guys I could think of. Realizing I was making no headway on this, I started thinking about Alicia and the way she had kissed me. Immediately I started getting that warm feeling, and a tingly sensation started in several different areas of my body. I had fought against my body for so long, I had never let myself feel this way. For the first time in my life while I was lost in the moment, I let my hands explore. At first I was scared, but before too long it just felt too damn good, after a while I was rewarded with my very first, well I’ll just OH MY GOD!!! Lying there relishing the after effects of the experience I finally drifted off to sleep thinking why have I fought this for so long.
Waking up the next morning I was strangely refreshed and calm, which was a very new feeling compared to the anxiety I normally felt every day. Maybe last night’s release was beneficial for more than just the feelings I had experienced in the moment. Thinking about what had happened, left me feeling both excited and embarrassed.
Walking to my first class I kept trying to evaluate people as I passed them to see if I thought they were attractive or not, or if I felt anything for each person I looked at. Walking into Biology I was just as confused as ever, nobody I had passed, even though if I could say they were attractive or not, had done anything for me.
“Morning Casanova” I heard Jen say to me as I sat down.
“Huh? What?”, I say confused by the new nickname.
“I thought I told you to be careful last night, Alicia called me after you left.” She told me, looking concerned.
I immediately started blushing at finding out she knew what happened. “Look I didn’t try to do anything but help her study, everything sort of just happened.
“She likes you Robbie, a lot. I just don’t want to see either of you get hurt.” She said.
“Neither do I, I tried to tell her we couldn't be more than friends. I even told her some of why I can’t. Did she not tell you that?” I asked.
“No she didn’t, she just told me that you two were going to take it slow. What all did you tell her? Wait lets just talk about this when you drive me home okay?”, She all but whispered to me.
“Great… Ok we’ll talk then.” I said worried about what Alicia was thinking. I couldn’t imagine why she would still be interested in me, I figured that if she knew that we could never be physical with each other that she wouldn't want to be more than friends. I just hope I can convince her somehow that we can’t be a couple, and not hurt her any more than I have to.
Classes went by as normal as possible, which meant they were boring at least until lunchtime. I found myself at our normal table sandwiched in between Jen and Alicia.
“How’d the test go?” I asked her.
“Think I’m the only one in the class who aced it. Thanks to my study partner.” She grinned and leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. “Thanks so much”
Even that nothing of a kiss on the cheek was enough to make my skin tingle again and I got chill bumps all over. “Alicia you really didn’t need my help, you were rocking those problems all on your own.” I tell her trying to keep from blushing. The other girls were looking at us and smirking, I have a feeling that this is going to get much worse before it gets better. Since she told Jen about last night I was wondering who else in the group knew as well.
The rest of lunch was more mundane, other than Alicia sitting just a bit closer to me than normal and that she kept flashing me that smile that made my insides start doing somersaults. As we get up to leave the table she gives me a hug and another light kiss on the cheek and tells me, “Just remember what I said, when you’re ready okay. Thank you again for your help.”
Noticing Jen still standing there just staring at me with that I told you so look on her face I just say, “Not now okay. We’ll talk this afternoon.” She nods and gives me a sideways hug and then leaves me just standing there on her way to class. Feeling defeated I gather up my stuff to finish up the last half of my school day.
On the ride home, I tell Jen exactly what happened last night and what I told Alicia. Finishing up the story by the time we got into her living room she all of a sudden starts giggling.
“What is so funny?”, I ask her.
“I just realized something, I think that a lot of the things that Alicia likes about you are the things that are definitely not masculine about you. How you talk to her, and treat her.” She finally tells me.
“Do you have any idea how she is going to react when… well everything does come out?” I ask.
“I honestly don’t know, but if she does care about you we can at least hope that she won’t be ugly about it. It all depends on how hurt she gets though.” Jen tells me.
“Jen the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone by doing this, I just can’t keep living the way I’ve been. Just surviving was getting harder and harder.” I say drifting off, trying not to think about how dark my life had truly gotten right before I told Jen the truth.
“I know Rebecca,” She tells me smiling at using that name, which I can’t help but smile back at her. “To change the subject, I’ve talked to my mom and we have a few ideas about how to start being out and about around here as Rebecca. We’ve come up with a few ideas, and even picked up something that would help.”
“Am I going to regret this in any way?”, I ask just slightly nervous. While her plans usually work, they still terrify me most of the time.
“Maybe just a bit, but I think you’ll enjoy it in the long run.” She tells me smirking.
“Oh God, fine go ahead and lay it on me.” I sigh.
“Okay first off I want you to spend the night this Saturday night, even if its just us two I want you to have a sleepover.” She says smiling softly. I can’t help but give her a hug when she continues. “You might want to hear the rest before you hug me, Sunday you, and I mean you Rebecca, will go to church with us.”
“Wait a minute, we go to the same church!” I start to say before she interrupts my outburst.
“Right and that’s why you’re going with us and not your parents. You will sit with me and we’re only like two pews from your mom and step dad. No one will know that you belong to them.”
“Jen it won’t work, my hair is still short enough someone will figure it out! Or do you have a plan for that too?” I blurt out. Smiling she gets up and motions for me to follow her, when we get to her room she reaches into her closet and pulls out a box and hands it to me. My curiosity is in full force now so I slowly open it and find a long haired blonde wig, a bit lighter color than my hair at least.
“It’s a decent quality wig, while synthetic it still shouldn’t be noticed as a wig. No one will recognize you. I can introduce you as my friend Rebecca and no one will ever know unless you tell them. If you don’t believe me try it on and let’s see.” She tells me gently.
I’m torn, I’m excited to see if this will work but also frightened of getting my hopes up in case it doesn’t. I’ve come this far though so I just simply nod okay. She starts pulling out some clothes that would fit me and I start stripping off my Robbie façade. This is beginning to get way too comfortable for me, sitting here in Jen’s room in nothing but my panties while she throws clothes at me to wear. After putting on the bra, skirt, and top she throws at me, she has me sit down so she can do my makeup. Once that is finished she then starts combing my hair down and pins on the wig, having me face away from the mirror as usual I’m about to die to see the finished project. Finally, once she's done she has me turn around and even though I know what I normally look like as Rebecca I’m blown away by the girl with the long hair in the mirror.
“Oh wow Jen!” Is all I can say, as stunned as I was. I immediately started thinking this could really work. She just sits there smiling with that same old I told you so look she is getting used to making lately. Handing me some shoes to go with my outfit, she tells me lets go downstairs and wait for Mom. She has to almost drag me from the mirror, I was so transfixed.
Getting downstairs we find no one is home yet so she fixes us some drinks and we sit talking in the kitchen as she tells me more of her plan. It makes me just a bit nervous but from what I just saw, I start thinking her plan might just work, unless I chicken out. I know Jen won’t let me though, I’m mostly thankful that she won’t.
After about twenty minutes of talking her Mom walks in and does a double take with me once she realizes it’s just me.
“Oh wow, Rebecca! That wig looks so much better than I thought it would.” She says as she comes and gives me a hug. “So what are you two ladies doing this evening?”
Jen just grins as she says, “I was hoping you’d let us borrow your car this evening. I was wanting to take Rebecca out some and, umm show her off. You know how her car sorta stands out”
“Huh? Tonight wasn’t any part of the plan!” I immediately start complaining.
“Shush! Why not? I would hate to waste all this hard work for nothing.”, She giggles. I just sit there flabbergasted, I mean she wants to go show me to people I already know. How in the hell is that going to work out?
“I think that would be a wonderful idea, just you know it’s a school night so you’re back no later than 10PM.” Her mom tells us. “Rebecca do you have a curfew?”
“Not really, Pop told me when I got my driver’s license that he figured I was old enough to know when I should be in, no matter how late I stayed out I would still be getting up for school. Of course until recently the only time I left the house was for our study sessions here or to go on my runs, so I’ve never really tried to push it.” I tell her.
“Well its only 5:30 why don’t we go hit the mall and then go grab something to eat?” Jen suggests. I know she means the mall in Columbus since Starkville doesn’t have anything other than a strip mall and almost all its stores are closing up as we speak…
“Fine, it’s not like you’ll let me back out of it anyway.” I mutter.
“Hah, that’s the spirit!” Jen exclaims laughing. She gets the keys and hands me a jean purse to put my stuff in and we’re off to the mall. I started wishing Columbus was more than 25 minutes away so we wouldn’t have that much time to spend there. No such luck for me though. We made it there by no later than 6:15 so we had plenty of time to kill, lucky me.
We had parked by the JC Penny end of the mall so we started off there. I was so nervous for the first half hour I kept feeling that everyone that would glance at me could easily see me for a fake. I knew that was not the case, I was and looked every bit a sixteen-year-old girl. After a while of Jen pulling out clothes and holding them up for me I started to relax and actually started having fun. We had made it through about three stores when we finally bumped into someone we knew. It was Holly, the same Holly that we sat with every day at lunch. I tried to not look as surprised as I know I felt, or as nervous as I knew I was. Holly saw Jen and smiled and then looked confused as she looked at me, like she was trying to place me.
Jen said, “Holly this is my friend Rebecca, Rebecca this is my friend Holly. Rebecca is a friend from church and we were just hanging out a bit tonight.”
Holly, still looking at me said, “Nice to meet you Rebecca. You look really familiar, have we met before?” She was shaking my hand as she said this and I was too terrified to speak.
Jen came to my rescue, “She lives near Starkville but has lived outside the city limits but you’ve probably seen her around town.” Realizing the reason that she said out of the city limits would be to explain why she hasn’t seen me in school, you had to live in town to go to the public High school.
I was nodding, thanks to Jen starting my cover story I was able to finally say something though, although I was having to consciously use my natural voice. Being around Holly, my subconscious was trying to make me drop it to my lower register… “Yeah I’ve probably seen you around town, you look familiar too.” I smiled at her, starting to feel less nervous as I realize that she can’t place me as Robbie.
“Oh cool! So, what are y'all doing over here tonight?” Holly asked, seemingly appeased by our answers.
“Just getting out of the house a bit and well of course the mall Duh!!” Jen said laughing, which I joined in giggling.
“Yeah I don’t get out much and Jen was nice enough to come pick me up to get me out and about.” I said.
We all then just sort of hit it off, once I had relaxed enough to be around Holly. The next hour had us running through 4 more stores and we ended the night having some frozen yogurt for dinner at the TCBY in the mall. It had been a really fun night, well once I had gotten over my initial anxieties and relaxed at least. As we were leaving the yogurt place, Holly gave me a hug and invited me to her Halloween party at the end of the month. Jen had already been planning to go and I, as Robbie, had already declined. I had been living a disguise for so long and just wasn’t in the Halloween spirit… I was planning to decline as Rebecca as well, but Jen beat me to the punch and accepted for me, just telling her we both will be there. I was too surprised to say anything, but just nodded and waved goodnight to her. The ride back home was in silence; I was trying to absorb just what Jen had gotten me into and Jen just let me sit there in my thoughts. Everyone at Holly’s party I would know from school, I was really afraid Jen was getting me in way too deep way too soon.
We got back to Jen’s around 9 that night, getting up to her room I was still in shock at what she had gotten me into.
“Jen how could you do this? There will be no way I can pull this off in less than two weeks.” I say as I sit down on her bed frustrated.
“Rebecca, you’ll do fine. Just look at tonight okay. Yeah you were nervous at first, but after a while you relaxed and it was just us three girls out shopping and having fun.” She told me as she sat down next to me putting her arm around my shoulders. “Look, Holly knows Robbie and she didn’t have a clue that you were him. Because you’re not him anymore, you know that, don’t you? This is the real you, at least when you quit being afraid and just be her. I’ve always loved my best friend Robbie, but you know I love my best friend Rebecca just as much. Maybe even more so when she's brave enough to be herself.”
Sighing, I softly say to her, “I don’t feel brave though, I’m scared almost all the time now. When I’m trying to be Robbie I’m afraid someone will see Rebecca and vice versa when I’m trying to be Rebecca.” I lean in and put my head on her shoulders.
“Rebecca but don’t you see? Being afraid and still going through with what you’re doing is what bravery is all about. Doing things that you’re not afraid of isn’t brave. You’re like the bravest and strongest person I know.” She says as she kisses my cheek.
I slightly laugh, “Hey this person you’re talking about sounds pretty amazing, maybe you can introduce me to her sometime.”
She glares at me for a second before she realized I was just teasing her, then she grabs a pillow and tries to smack me with it laughing.
Jumping back, I blurt out, while waving my hands frantically, “No don’t mess up the do!!” Which makes us both break up in a giggling fit from the sheer silliness of the moment. A little bit later as I was donning on my Robbie costume to go home it hit me, I don't have anything to wear for a Halloween party.
“Jen what am I going to wear to her party? I have no clue what I’m going to get for a costume.” I say slightly panicked.
“Rebecca don’t worry we’ve got you covered, You’re gonna be like super-hot!” She smirks.
“Oh shit!! What else have you gotten me into now, what am I going as?” I ask her as I’m about to throw my glasses in my backpack. I just didn’t feel like taking my contacts out just to drive home wearing the glasses.
Taking my glasses, she said, “Oh I don’t know. I was maybe thinking something along the lines of…” She pauses as she starts giggling softly. “Umm remember when we were talking about you wearing the glasses to disguise you from being…” She stops talking, but she is grinning like the Cheshire cat.
Trying to remember the conversation it all of a sudden hits me, the glasses were for me to be like Clark Kent disguising him from being recognized as Superman, except in my case they are to hide me from… She can’t be serious, can she? I blurt out, “Oh crap you have GOT to be kidding me!!”
Turns out she was very serious, her, her mom and even my own mom had been in on this. I felt like my life was spinning out of control, as if I ever had any control in my life to begin with. I ended up wrestling with that thought for the rest of the week. The week continued and I did my best to handle each situation that I got thrust into. I’m pretty sure that everyone knew something was bothering me, I wasn’t as bad withdrawn as I had been before but I was definitely distracted. Jen didn’t push me quite as hard, but we still had a few evenings around town with her and her new bestie Rebecca. Alicia kept being super friendly, but realized I was dealing with some issues and had backed off a bit. Strangely of all the girls in the group it was Robin, who had been the hardest for me to win over, that had stopped me in the hall on Thursday and told me that no matter what was bothering me that her and the rest of the girls were there for me. It was that small act from her that started me working myself out of my funk that I had worked myself into. They all had organized another study night and sleepover on Friday at Michelle's house, which I was able to get out of. I just couldn’t bear being forced to leave early again because of the no boys allowed rule. About the only time during the week I could escape my thoughts were on my runs, even though I wasn’t pushing myself as hard I found I was running longer than usual. I even found the interruptions from would be dates amusing, I was finding quickly that the “game” was becoming oddly comforting. Yes, I found the guys annoying, but the fact that they would work so hard to try to talk to me was kinda satisfying in a new and odd way.
Saturday morning was no exception, at first at least. Early in my run I had already outpaced two would be suitors. I was lost in my amusement when I noticed I was slowly gaining on another person, a male runner, and one that seemed to be in a pretty good shape with the pace he was keeping. For a quick second I was worried, but brushed it off quickly at least this guy wasn’t chasing me, he was just on a morning run. Hopefully he would only be interested in his run so I didn’t change my course, this after all was one of my favorite paths through campus.
Coming up on his left I simply said as I slowly passed him was, “Morning.” I kept my pace mostly hoping he wouldn’t speed up.
“Hey there, it’s a great morning, isn’t it?” He said as he did match my pace. Oh, great that’s the last thing I need, but oddly was a bit excited at this new challenge in my “Game”.
“Yup sure is.” I said flashing my best smile unconsciously. I kept waiting for him to use some lame come on line but he didn’t say anything, just kept running beside me matching my pace. After several minutes the silence was beginning to bother me, I couldn’t figure out what this guy was up to and it was bugging me something fierce. Finally, just to break the silence I said, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you speed up your pace, you don’t have to keep up with me.”
Smiling back, he told me, “I don’t mind the pace, I was mostly getting loosened up when you met me. I’m good like this. It’s nicer to have company on a run anyway.” Then it was back to silence. What gives with this guy? I’m getting really confused trying to figure out just what his angle is.
“Well my name is Rebecca, what's yours?” I ask, the silence really getting to me.
“Paul, it’s nice to meet you.”, He responds giving me a quick nod of his head. It’s back to the silence that is beginning to infuriate me, his little sideways smile he’s giving me isn't helping in the least either…
After another few minutes I finally just give up trying to figure out this weirdo so I tell him, “Well it’s been fun running with you, but I really like to turn it up the last two miles. See you around.” With that I turn up to almost my old pace just to get some distance from this guy. A few seconds later I notice he’s matched up my pace yet again.
“That’s really cool, I love a good challenge anyway, it’s nice to see someone of your caliber out here by the way.” He says.
“Thanks”, I tell him, starting to get extremely weirded out. After another minute or two of silence I finally say. “You know you could quit following me, it’s getting a bit creepy.”
“I’m glad you realized that, I was getting a bit creeped out too.” He smirks.
“Why are you creeped out?” I exclaim, very confused now.
“Well technically I was on this path first, so you’ve been following me.” He said almost laughing, but the pace had started getting to both of us and we were starting to pant just a bit.
“I have not!” I retorted. I mean the nerve of this guy!
“Ok if you say so.” Was all he said smiling and then back to silence.
A few minutes later we were passing the dorms and he just said as he pulled off, “Nice to run with you Rebecca, I’ve never had a stalker before.” Grinning like an idiot he waved as he disappeared into the parking lot. I slowed down just a bit for my cool down period as I head back to Mom’s car. That was the weirdest guy I have ever met, the nerve of him calling me a stalker! Driving back home the whole incident had confused the shit out of me. I kept thinking maybe I won’t run into him again, it’s a big campus. For some reason, I didn’t think that was going to be my luck though. I didn’t notice that the whole time I was thinking about the weird conversation that I was slightly smiling.
I spent most of the day thinking about what had happened on my run that morning. I had gotten used to the lame come on lines and weak attempts to hit on me while I was on my runs. Paul hadn’t attempted once to do or say anything like that, why did that bother me so? What was going on with me? I would never even think of going out with a guy so why did I enjoy and even look forward to the flirting. All this had started out as a game to me and I had fun playing the game. I was starting to realize that it no longer felt like the same game I had started though, maybe Jennifer could help me figure this out tonight during our sleepover.
Throwing caution to the wind, even though it was still light outside when I headed over to her house, I left Robbie at home. Hell, I had taken off my Robbie persona when I got home from school yesterday and had no intention of putting “him” back on until Monday. While I was afraid that someone might see “me” driving “his” car, it felt like I was just daring someone to see me. It was like I wanted someone to see.
When Jennifer opened the door to let me in she was definitely surprised to see me standing there in a skirt and blouse, which actually made me giggle.
“Umm are you going to let me in? Or are you just gonna stare at me?” I said in between giggles. Still stunned, she just moved out of the way and let me in.
“Sorry you caught me off guard just a bit.” She told me. Looking me over once again she continued, “Were you not worried that someone might see you driving the Ghia?”
“Yeah about that… Jen… I was… and I also wasn’t… It was almost like I wanted someone to see me. I’m having so many conflicting thoughts and emotions right now.” I told her. “I’m just ready for all this to be over. No matter what happens, I’m so sick of living this double life. I’m so ready to just have one life, bouncing back and forth between the two I’m not able to live either of them. You know?”
“I don’t know, I can only imagine though. You do know it’s going to be rough at school at first, possibly for a long time. More than likely it won’t just be at school either. No matter what though, you have all of us behind and with you Rebecca.” She told me, then as she leaned in for a hug she then whispered in my ear, “This is the bravery I was talking about.”
“I don’t really see it that way Jen.” I started, but paused to collect my thoughts some. “Before, well anyone knew, I felt that I had been carrying this weight on my shoulders. Over the past few years that weight has gotten heavier and heavier, till I was close to being crushed by it.” I had to stop for a minute to try to compose myself. Thinking about how I had felt just a few short weeks ago had caused me to start to get emotionally overwhelmed and I had started to cry softly. Jen just sat there silently as she held my hands until I could regain my composure enough to talk. I softly started, “Jen you don’t know how bad it was.”
“Yeah I think I do, you don’t have to say it. It’s okay.” She told me squeezing my hands.
“No you’re wrong, I do have to say it. You had commented a few times about how I had starting to let my hair finally grow out.” She nodded at that. “It wasn’t so I could grow out my hair, spending that money had started to feel like such a waste.”
“Why a waste?” She said obviously confused.
“It was a waste because…” I had to take a deep breath to steady myself for what I was about to tell her. “Because I didn’t see any reason to keep spending $8 every two weeks when I wasn’t expecting to be here much longer… That overwhelming weight… and hopelessness… I didn’t see any other way to escape it…”
“Oh God Rebecca!! You’re not still…” She couldn’t say the rest due to her crying and holding me fiercely.
“No Jen I’m not thinking about it. At least not much.” I said as she pulled back and was about to go off on me. “Wait! Let me finish okay! Jen when I told you the truth about me… I felt that huge weight start lifting. As weird as it sounds, I felt that I wasn’t carrying it alone anymore. Each time I’ve told someone, you, your parents, my parents, it’s almost like every one of you are helping me hold up that weight. It’s still there, but it’s not oppressive anymore… Each time I go back and forth between Robbie and Rebecca though I feel like it gets a bit heavier each time. I can’t keep doing this Jen. I honestly don’t think Robbie has much of a future if he has one at all. I want a future Jen. I don’t want to die, at least not anymore.”
After several minutes of us just sitting there in a hug, she finally pulled back to look at me, “Rebecca promise me that you won’t let it get that bad again. If it does, let me know… Please… I’ll do anything I can to help you through it okay.” I just nodded okay.
After we got ourselves straightened up from our crying session we started the sleepover officially. Her mom had made sure she had the stuff and had requested another of my pizza’s, so Jen and I made two, one for us and one for her parents. I think Mrs. Cook enjoyed not having to cook but she promised she would clean up afterwards. Since I enjoyed cooking and not necessarily the cleaning afterwards I was happy to make that deal.
Once dinner was done we crashed on the couch, pizzas and popcorn in hand while Jen stuck a movie in the VCR. I hadn’t been much of a movie person the past few years but I found I really enjoyed Mannequin. I had never watched a romantic type movie and allowed myself to enjoy it, but this time was different. Towards the end when Emma is saved, both me and Jen were both having a girly aww moment, it was weird and awesome for me at the same time. More awesome though as I started letting go of the perceptions I had forced on myself over the years.
As the night progressed, we moved upstairs and Jen started using me as her personal Barbie doll. Trying different looks with makeup and clothes and she also introduced me to my costume for next Friday. Yeah, it was a Supergirl costume as I had feared, and it didn’t hide a single one of my curves. Staring at my reflection wearing the outfit, I thought with my running and exercise regime I totally fit the part. I was muscular without it being too much. I found I was just a bit excited about going to the party, but I wasn’t about to let Jen know that just yet.
Towards the end of the night as we were getting ready for bed I asked Jen where was I going to sleep.
“Um I have a queen-sized bed dummy; you can sleep right here.” She laughed hitting me with a pillow.
“Are your parents okay with this? I mean since, well… umm.” I stutter, not knowing how to phrase my concerns.
“Rebecca just stop worrying okay, Mom and Dad know that you’re a girl, it’s okay. Well Dad is still dealing with it just a bit, but he's okay with this.” She told me and reached out to squeeze my hand. “You’re not like going to try to jump me in my sleep, are you?” She laughed.
“Umm no… Honestly that would be like really weird. You’re my friend and I don’t really see you in that way.” I managed to get out. It made me start questioning just what am I attracted to. I love Jen, I know I do. I used to think she would be the one I was going to marry back when we were younger but that all has changed. I think of her more like a sister, actually much more than a sister now.
“See then were fine,” She giggled and smacked me with a pillow. Grabbing one of my own we spent the next 10 minutes beating the snot out of each other with pillows before we collapsed on the bed laughing so hard we had tears running down our cheeks. Lying there next to her after turning off the lights Jen gently grabbed my hand and just said, “I’m so glad you’re my best friend Rebecca, and that you’re still here.” With that we both drifted off to sleep, still clutching each others hands.
Waking up the next morning I realized that we weren’t still clutching hands, I had rolled over on my side and Jen must have gotten cold considering how she was snuggled up next to me. It was an odd mixture of feelings for me, while it felt good for her to be cuddled up next to me with her arm wrapped around my waist, it wasn’t like a turn on or anything. It was just the closeness to someone I cared about, even if it wasn’t in that way, that left a warm feeling through me. I hated to get up, I just wanted to stay cuddled up in the warmth that was my best friend but my bladder had a much bigger say in the matter. Gently I eased out of bed without disturbing her and went to tend to my morning routine.
Returning to Jen's room after my shower I found her still asleep wrapped up in the covers so I sat down next to her. Gently brushing her hair out of her face, I say as cheerily as possible, “Morning sleepy head!” She mumbled incoherently for a moment before she opens her eyes.
“You are too happy this early in the morning…” She says just clear enough I can understand it.
“Hey its 7:30 this is late for me normally; I’m still used to getting up at 5AM most mornings” I tell her smiling. “Besides if we’re going to church don’t we need to start getting ready? Especially if you’re going to have to help me?”
Sitting up finally she slides next to me and leans up next to me. As I put my arm around her in a sideways hug she says smiling, “At least someone smells good. I was kinda mad you got up, you were so nice and warm.”
“Trust me I didn’t want to; I was way too comfortable.” I tell her right before leaning over and giving her a kiss on the top of her head.
Grinning she hugged me a bit harder and said, “Fine I guess you’re forgiven.”
Finally, she got up and headed to get her shower and that left me alone with my thoughts once again. The cuddling we did and hugging just felt right, but at the same time the thought of going further just seemed too weird for me. After several moments, I quit trying to figure it out, and just let our friendship be whatever it is going to be. If that includes nothing more than the closeness we’ve had, that’s perfectly fine with me.
After applying the lotion that Jen had gotten me started using I started to pick out an outfit for church. I had brought several, finally deciding on a light blue dress that we had picked out on our trip to Birmingham. It was very plain, but fit me really well. Honestly I think the simplicity of the dress made it more appealing to me than some of the really fancy ones everyone tried to get me to buy. I guess it was supposed to be a knee length dress but on my 5’11 frame it came to a few inches above my knee, so it was short but not too short. I had just gotten on the appropriate underwear when Jen came in from her shower.
“Oh you’re wearing that one?” She asked, she didn’t really approve as her tastes usually went for something with a bit more pizazz.
“Yes ma’am I am, I know you don’t care for it but I really like it.” I said sticking my tongue out at her then giggling.
She sat me down and helped me with my makeup. She had gotten to where she was having me put it on now, but giving me help when I needed. After a few attempts she approved and then gave it a few slight finishing touches.
“Alright get dressed and let me do my makeup, once we’re both dressed I’ll pin on your wig.” She told me. Checking out how I looked one last moment she added, “You know it won’t be too much longer and we can get your hair styled and you really shouldn’t need the wig.”
Smiling at that I say softly, “I can’t wait.” Then proceed to get dressed including the shoes we bought to go with the dress. I had been practicing with heels for the past week and had gotten decent, but these were by far the highest I owned at 4”. I was worried that I might fall on my face, but had gotten vain about how they made my legs look so I was willing to risk it. Once we were both ready Jen put on her heels and we were ready to go, so we headed downstairs to see her parents.
As we entered the kitchen where her parents were finishing up breakfast her Dad just looked at me stunned and her Mom was laughing at his reaction.
“Dear it’s not polite to stare.” She scolded him and came up to give me a hug. “Rebecca you look amazing, and that dress suits you so well. God those shoes make you so tall though”
“Yes Ma’am I know, I just… umm… really like the way they go with the dress. Well and the way they make my legs look.” I say softly, just a bit embarrassed.
“Honey you look great, don’t be ashamed that you’re so tall. You look like a model. Now you two sit and eat so we can get to Sunday School before church.” She told both of us.
Getting in the car to leave the house is when my anxieties started up. I have always had a strong faith, after all before he passed my Dad was a minister and Mom was a choir director. I literally grew up in the church, with all the hymns, and scripture. Mom had even commented on so many different occasions that she always saw me ending up as a preacher just like Dad and her Dad had been. Even though my body was physically female, I still had enough of Robbie floating around inside of me to question if I belonged in church. If I would be accepted or if I would or should be cast out was foremost in my thoughts. Jen could see my worry so I quietly told her my fears on the ride. She just gripped my hand tightly and told me that I had every right to be there no matter what.
Normally my parents and I never attended Sunday School, so I honestly didn’t know what to expect. As we entered the young adult class I noticed Robin and a few others from school I sort of knew but not well. Robin moved over so Jen and I could sit next to her, and Jen introduced us. It is such a strange feeling being introduced to someone you already knew, and the way Robin had been with me at first I was expecting the same. She was extremely friendly though, which caught me a bit off guard. We only talked for a few minutes before the class started.
I had never really believed much in signs or visions or at least that they hadn’t happened in a very long time. While I was sitting in that class though, the lesson overwhelmed me. I had been trying to hide my apprehension and fear about being struck down for entering the church, the more I listened to the lesson the more those fears left me. Without going too much into detail the lesson was about when God called Abraham to follow him, I knew the story quite well with my upbringing but it was the way the teacher phrased the lesson though. He had said that Abraham had been told to cease being the person that everyone expected him to be and for him to become the person God had intended him to be. His name wasn’t even Abraham at first, but becoming who he was meant to be God changed his name. The parallels to my own life felt like they had slapped me in my face. I had fought so hard to be who I thought everyone expected me to be, no matter how much I ignored how my body had changed I couldn’t accept it. I didn’t cause my body to change, maybe, just maybe Rebecca was who I was supposed to be all along.
I felt this overwhelming peace just fill me with that realization, and I started trembling. Jen noticed and looked worried and confused until she thought how the lesson applied to me. She reached in her purse and handed me a Kleenex and just clasped my hand firmly as the teacher continued while I gently blotted the tears that had formed in the corners of my eyes.
After class Jen asked, “Wow are you okay? That was amazing!”
“Yeah I am okay, really okay.” I said smiling to her. We spent the next few minutes talking with Robin before we headed to the sanctuary. As we were walking through the hall I noticed my parents coming out of the minister’s office with both the head and associate minister. Confused, I was staring at them when I noticed Mom saw me, she immediately smiled and just put her hand over her heart and winked at me. Not having a clue what they were doing Jen and I went and joined her parents in their pew. After what had happened in class the rest of the service was almost a letdown after that high I felt. When the service was over, my parents came over and spoke to Mr. and Mrs. Cook then came over and gave Jen and I both hugs.
“Oh my God baby you look amazing! You look so happy right now it makes my heart so happy for you.” Mom whispered to me as she hugged me for all she was worth.
“Thank you. Mom I love you.” I whispered back then asked. “So what were you doing in the minister’s office?”
“You have nothing to worry about sweetie, but you’ll see. Everything is wonderful okay.” She said as she let me go.
Confused I followed Jen as we headed out of the sanctuary, as we passed Rev. Webster he reached out and took my hand and told me, “Rebecca my dear it is such a pleasure to meet you.”
“Huh? How’d you know my name?” I asked getting really worried.
He just smiled and glanced to my parents and then back to me, as he winked he then told me, “I just want you to know that you’re always welcome here, so we will see you next Sunday I hope?”
“Yes sir you will.” I replied, just then realizing what Mom and Pop had been doing in their office. I was a bit upset, even though I understood why they did it. This was the man that just 3 years ago had done my confirmation as Robbie and as a boy accepting me as a full member of the church. I wasn’t prepared for this and was in a daze as we left the church and headed home.
The rest of the afternoon was spent just hanging out with Jen, talking about the past few weeks and things to prepare for in the upcoming months. She also had been trying to convince me that I was actually enjoying the attention guys showed me, I started to concede a bit but was not about to let her know that just yet. Another thing was preparing for the Halloween party and the best way to deal with the people from school. We were both concerned about creating a back story for myself, because at the first of the year everyone is going to know who I really am. We had decided to be very vague would be for the best, it would be much better to be vague and lie as little as possible. We ended the day with a long hug and a kiss on the cheek. Driving home I kept thinking about our friendship, I mean were girls normally this physical in their friendships or was there something more? Lately I seem to be having more and more questions with not too many answers.
That night my parents explained to me that talking to the ministers was to make sure that the church leaders would stand by me. They had explained my situation and how it was out of my control, my parents said both the head and associate minister told them that God works in mysterious ways and that I had a purpose. I hoped that was true, that if I did then everything I have endured might be worth it one day.
The rest of the week flew by, of course I was kept busy with school work, Jen and Rebecca time, trying to balance time with my friends, and my runs. Alicia had kept giving me those million watt smiles and always sat close enough that she could keep physical contact with me even if it was just touching elbows. I kept trying not to lead her on and to reinforce that we were just good friends, even though I wished we could be more. I just wished that she would end up not hating me when she finds out the truth.
I had managed to squeeze in three runs that week and the first afternoon I found I kept looking around for Paul. Even if he irritated the crap out of me on that one day, he was different than all the other guys that had tried to accompany me on my run. Those guys were easy to figure out, but Paul though was a mystery, and that mystery was bugging me. At least that was what I kept telling myself as I kept looking around hoping I’d see him. I had been getting tired of trying to analyze every single one of my thoughts and actions, at least when I was running. Analyzing everything was meant for when I was trying to go to sleep, or at least that was always what happened, I thought to myself.
Tuesday evening, I was half way through my loop around campus when I did run into him, he was on a different route it appeared so I just smiled and waved and kept on my current route. A minute later I felt someone behind me and turned quickly and saw Paul catching up to me.
“So who’s the stalker now?” I said as I smirked at him. He actually looked like that hurt at least for a second until he broke out in a wide grin.
“Hey like I said, it’s better to run with company.” He said grinning from ear to ear. We ended up doing that useless banter for the rest of the run, or at least till I broke off to head to the car. He just waved and told me he’d see me next time. I yelled out I’ll be out here on Thursday, which confused me why I told him that. Then I realized I was actually looking forward to it. I quickly found that I enjoyed the back and forth jabs we were giving each other, he had yet tried to ask me out or try to do anything else with me. While part of me wished he did, because I understood that behavior, the other part really did just enjoy the company.
On Thursday, he seemed to find me less than five minutes after I had left the car on my run. For a second that worried me, but I quickly let it slide as we started our back and forth jabs. It turned out to be a really good run and we actually made excellent time. As I peeled off I said hopefully I’d see him Saturday morning, he smiled and said he’d see me then.
Friday during lunch Holly had started to give me a hard time because I had declined multiple times to come to her party. She wasn’t being mean or anything but I could tell they really did want me to come. Finally, I just told her that it is a costume party that she would probably see me there, even if she didn’t know it was me. I thought Jen was going to choke on her drink when I said that. She just glared at me and how daring I seemed to be becoming.
After school, we went straight to Jen’s house to get ready. It actually took us two hours to get ready between us both getting a shower and Jen attacking my eyebrows once again. She got pretty bold this time around making them super thin with a high arch. Once we were both ready we just stood there looking at ourselves in the mirror we both made very striking images, I as Supergirl and Jen as Tinkerbell. After posing for a few minutes we both broke into giggles, I hadn’t remembered ever being this content with my life as I did at that moment. Sitting there making silly poses in the mirror alongside my best friend in the world I felt whole.
“You know I’m actually looking forward to this.” I told Jen.
“I know you are, you can see it all over your face. I just want to let you know if at any time though if you feel uncomfortable we can leave okay.” She said gently clasping my hand in hers.
“Thanks, but I’ll be okay.” I replied giving her hand a gentle squeeze. With that, and about 20 minutes of having her parents take pictures, we were off to the party.
Giving Jen a hand putting on her wings after we parked her Mom’s car on the street, I looked at Holly’s house and took a deep breath. I was all excited and full of laughs on the ride over but this is the moment of truth. There is probably going to be about forty people that I knew here, well I knew as Robbie. Jen giving my hand a squeeze, leaned over and said, “If you need it I’ll hit you with some fairy dust.” I couldn’t help but giggle just a bit.
“Thanks, I needed that.” I told her still smiling. With another squeeze of her hand we headed up to the door.
“You ready?” Jen asked, she actually looked a bit nervous as well.
“No, not at all.” I said, noticing the concern on her face I braved a smile and said, “But it's never stopped me before.” Then I turned and rang the doorbell.
We sat there for almost a minute before the door opened and we got a glimpse of a house full of people all in different costumes. Some were scary, some were funny, some were sexy, and well some were just stupid. After walking around for a minute, we found our host Holly, who was drop dead sexy as Elvira.
“Wow you look amazing” I told her.
“Oh my God you two look adorable!” Holly told Jen and I, looking over our costumes. Taking a closer look at me and my skin tight Supergirl outfit she exclaimed, “Holy shit Rebecca you look fantastic! I would kill for your body! Damn I'm jealous!” As she finished she was grinning at me.
“Girl trust me you don’t have anything to be jealous about.” I told her, trying not too hard to stare at her, well her low-cut top. I doubt I would ever be brave enough to show that much cleavage. After catching up for a few minutes she ended up dragging Jen and I over to the rest of the girls. Robin made an excellent Wednesday Addams, Michelle a sexy vampire, Karen a witch and Alicia was a princess. I had only met Robin and Holly as Rebecca so meeting the rest was really awkward for me, especially Alicia. For a moment, I felt sad that I was deceiving everyone, Alicia most of all though. I forced that back down, and tried to have a good time.
The party was actually really fun once I adjusted to being around so many people, guys I knew started hitting on me which bothered me. It wasn't like my game I played, these guys I knew as Robbie, and that’s the way I still saw them. Their attention made me feel very uncomfortable not knowing how they would react in a few months when they find out the truth. I will hand it to Holly, she is one of those people that is friends with many different social groups. There were jocks, preppies, rednecks, and even the group I would have previously been stuck in, the nerds. I ran into one guy I knew and he was the only one that hadn’t made a pass at me or given me that once over stare that I was finding so creepy. It was my friend Brent, fellow smart guy and, as I am, a nerd.
“Buddy Holly I presume? I’m Rebecca” I said to him grinning and holding my hand out. I felt sorry for him he was so nervous.
“Yeah, nobody really has figured out my costume. Thanks.” He said with a slight grin, but he was trying hard to not make eye contact. Finally, he did look me in the eyes and with a sheepish grin said, “Umm Rebecca I thought you were Supergirl?”
“Oh yeah you’re right!” I told him giggling, “I am, just promise not to tell anyone else my identity okay?”
“Yes Ma’am your secret is safe with me.” He told me, making the motions like he was locking his mouth and throwing away the key. As cheesy as it was I couldn’t help but laugh, after all this was a friend and a good guy. The last thing I would ever do is hurt his feelings. We ended up talking for a bit, more so when he realized I was smart as well and not just a pretty face.
As the night progressed on, I had gotten more and more comfortable as Rebecca/Supergirl and enjoyed myself immensely. Towards the end of the night I had started hanging out with my lunch group, we all seemed to get along well. Of course, we were already friends, they all just didn’t know it yet.
As Jen and I were getting ready to go Alicia did come up and ask Jen, “Can I ask you for a huge favor?”
“Sure Alicia what’s up?” Jen replied.
“Can I come spend the night with you? My parents had to go out of town and said I could stay home by myself which I had planned. I’m just really kinda scared to go home to that house with no one there, especially on Halloween weekend.” Alicia all but begged. She did look really worried.
“Alicia of course! You’re more than welcome to come and crash at my house.” Jen told her, which made Alicia instantly relax.
“Jen you’re awesome, I’ve got a change of clothes in the car. I’m sorry I waited till this late, but I was hoping I could stay with someone. I’m such a chicken.” She told us, just a bit embarrassed.
“Hey safety in numbers right?” I joked with her. I hadn’t thought this out very well, I only saw a friend who was scared and I was relieved that Jen helped her.
“Damn straight Rebecca!” She laughed and came up to give me a hug, feeling her body pressed up next to mine instantly reminded me of the kisses she had given me and made my body all tingly and I trembled for a second.
“Are you okay?” Alicia asked me, looking at me kinda funny all of a sudden.
“Umm yeah I’m fine just got a chill is all, this costume isn’t great for warmth.” I lied. Hoping the bra would hide the excitement I felt. Still looking at me oddly she just nodded okay.
We all said our goodbyes to the party and the three of us left to get in our cars. As Jen pulled out Alicia got right behind her.
“Thanks for all of this Jen, tonight was really fun. I mean I was scared shitless at first, but overall it was a kick ass night.” I said grinning at her.
“Girlfriend it was my pleasure.” She smiled at me, “You really did good tonight, well right up until Alicia hugged you.” She finished off giggling.
“Oh God was it that obvious?” I asked her slightly panicking.
She could barely contain her laughter as she told me, “No not really, unless you knew to look for it.”
Slightly relieved I said, “Thank God, oh and it was really cool of you to let her stay the night. She really did look scared and…. Oh, shit!!”
“What?” She asked, picking up on my worry.
“Jen, she's right behind us and I just remembered something… My car… It’s parked in your driveway!!” I blurted out.
“Rebecca! Calm down okay. We’ll figure this out alright.” Jen tells me trying to get me to stop panicking.
“How are we going to figure this out in ten minutes?” I ask, fear gripping me.
“I don’t know… Think we should just tell her the truth? I know it’s earlier than you wanted, but maybe that would be best.” She told me quietly.
“I don’t know Jen. I don’t want to lie to her, but I don’t want to hurt her either. I don’t know what to do. I know I shouldn’t but I really do care about her.” I say softly.
“She’s your friend you should care about her… oh... Rebecca you really do like her don’t you? I mean like like her?” She asked.
“Yes I do. The very last thing I want to do is hurt her.” I answered.
“Look lets just get home and we will play it by ear okay?” She told me, I just not and stare out the window for the rest of the ride home.
When Jen pulled into the driveway I was silent, just staring at my car sitting there in the driveway. I had resigned myself that whatever happens I’m not going to tell Alicia any lies.
“Just let me handle this okay.” Jen told me giving my hand a squeeze.
“Is Robbie here?” Alicia asked hopefully, while Jen was unlocking the front door.
“No he’s not. It’s just us three and my parents. He left it here after dropping me off from school” Jen told her, but was looking at me as she opened the door. Since it was late and the house was dark, we figured her parents were already in in bed so we all headed up to Jen's room.
“Why’d he leave his car here? He loves that old thing for some reason.” Alicia said laughing.
“I’m not sure, he’s been working on it a lot lately. Maybe something’s wrong with it.” Jen said shrugging her shoulders. Each fib she told to Alicia was making me feel worse and worse.
“Well I wish he was here.” Alicia said. She paused for a moment and continued, “Jen do you know what's going on with him? Hey Rebecca, can you grab my zipper?” She asked as she backed up to me.
“Umm sure.” I said as I started to undo the back of her dress.
“What do you mean Alicia? He’s been dealing with a lot lately; you know how withdrawn he used to be. He’s doing better than he was, but he still has a lot going on right now.” Jen told her. I caught myself staring as Alicia stepped out of her dress, I felt my skin start tingling so I turned my back to her hoping it would help me stop the excitement. I started peeling off my costume, since Jen and Alicia had already taken theirs off.
“Jen I wish he’d let me help him. I want to be there for him.” Alicia told her. I started to turn around to put my super suit on a hanger when I noticed that Alicia and Jen were both down to just their panties and pulling out nightshirts. I quickly turned back around so they wouldn’t catch me staring at Alicia.
“I know you do, he told me that he told you some of what he's dealing with. I think he’s scared and thinks you deserve someone better who can, umm, well you know.” Jen said as I turned back around to find they were covered up now, and I noticed that Jen was blushing slightly.
“I honestly don’t think I’m worried about that Jen. I mean he treats me so nice, he's like the only guy that has ever treated me like a person. He talks to me, and actually listens to me. Oh, my God, if you could have felt how he kissed me. I know he likes me back, I could feel it.” Alicia said, closing her eyes while she smiled. “Jen I think we could make it work somehow, at least I want the chance to try.” At this point in the conversation I could feel tears starting to form, and I was doing all I could do to try to keep my emotions in check. Hearing her talk about how she felt about me made me hurt that much more. The longer I kept up the deception, the more I would hurt her. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore.
“I can’t do this anymore.” I said, hanging my head down tears starting to form.
“Can’t do what?” Alicia asked me, turning while looking at me confused.
“Rebecca NO! You can’t go back to…” She said, pausing when she looked at Alicia.
Looking back and forth at Jen and I, Alicia says, “What the hell is going on? What can’t she go back to?” I could tell she was getting upset at us.
“Jen I’m not talking about going back…” I start to say, then the words catch in my throat. I carefully start unpinning the wig. “Alicia, the reason Robbie couldn’t be more than friends with you… Is that… Is that he isn’t going to be around much longer. I’m so, so sorry.” I manage to get that last out before I start to cry in earnest.
“Rebecca you aren’t making any sense. Where is he going to go? What the hell are you two trying to say!” Alicia says, really angry by this point.
Pulling off the wig and ruffling my hair up I just say, “Because I’m Robbie, or I was… Hell I don’t even know who I am anymore!” I sink down in the chair by Jen’s vanity. Putting my face in my hands I manage to get out the words I’m sorry between sobs.
Alicia’s appeared to be in shock, looking at me in a mix of anger and fear. She looked back to Jen and Jen just nodded tears forming in her eyes as well. Finally, Alicia exclaimed, “That’s impossible! You’re both lying! There’s no way that you’re Robbie! You might look kind of like him, but you can’t be!” She looked at both of us mostly in anger by now.
“Alicia, what Robbie told you about his condition… He didn’t lie. He just didn’t tell you everything, about just how severe it actually is. Please try to calm down and listen please, and we’ll try to explain everything.” Jen begged.
“FINE!! I’m listening, this better be good, especially after trying to pull something like this on me!” Alicia blurted out, still really angry but appeared to be ready to listen hopefully.
Jen took one look at me and knew I wouldn’t be able to say anything for a while. Looking at Alicia she started, “Alicia he told you that he was born without testicles, right?” Alicia nodded, still looking angry. “When he was twelve or thirteen they found out the reason… It turns out that Robbie never fully developed as a male when he was born…” Looking back at me I could see the tears running down her cheeks as she was trying to explain to Alicia. After taking a few breaths she continued, “They found out that when he didn’t have testicles that internally that he was female, well mostly female.”
“Wait a minute? You’re trying to say that Robbie has been a girl all this time? That’s bullshit, he’s a guy. He’s always been a guy.” Alicia then glared at me. “This isn’t funny, there’s no way you’re Robbie. What kind of a sick joke are you trying to play on me?!?”
“Alicia… It’s not a joke…” I say before my crying causes me not to be able to speak anymore.
“Alicia, Robbie grew up thinking he was a boy, when he found out… He fought against it. He wanted to be the guy that everyone expected from him. Even after having to have surgery… He still kept trying to be that boy.” Jen told her while she walked over to me and put her arm around my shaking shoulders.
“Surgery? What kind of surgery?” Alicia asked, with much less anger in her voice.
“They had to do surgery due to, um, complications. His womb was finishing up forming and had started to open up… So, for his health and safety they had to… Finish making him a girl…” Jen said softly.
“That’s impossible! You actually expect me to believe this? It can’t be… You’re trying to tell me that I fell for a girl pretending to be a boy?!?!” Alicia said her anger returning.
Standing up I look directly at Alicia and tell her, “Alicia… I never wanted to hurt you. I swear. I tried to tell you… I’m so sorry…”
Walking up to me and looking at me standing there in my bra and panties, she looks at me directly in my tear reddened eyes for a moment. Glancing over at Jen and then back to me she says much more softly, “I still don’t believe you… It’s not possible… You kind of look like him, but I can tell you’re not Robbie. I know you’re not, and I know how I can prove it.”
Jen and I both look confused and then Jen says, “How can you prove it?”
Alicia looks a bit smug at this point and simply says, “This way.” Then she walks right up to me wrapped her arms around my neck and kisses me hard. It catches me off guard but it only takes me seconds before I return the kiss. I look briefly at her and see she’s closed her eyes, so I do the same and just let myself feel her against me and feel her lips on mine. I have no clue how long that kiss lasted but it felt like it could have been hours, even if it had been it wasn’t long enough. As she pulled away I felt my hands slide off of her waist where I had unconsciously placed them, and I looked into her face of realization. For a second I smiled at her, thinking that we might be okay. Then I saw that face of realization change to one of hurt and anger. I felt like my heart had stopped beating, and seeing how hurt she looked I wished that it had of stopped.
“Oh my God!! You are Robbie…” Alicia started to say, then I noticed the tears forming in her eyes. “How could you?” Was all she got out before she started crying.
“Oh God, Alicia… I’m sorry… I never meant for this to happen…” I pleaded.
Looking up at me, anger etched in her face she all but shouted, “What did you not mean? To Lie to me? To make me fall in love with you?” She then buried her face in her hands and barely got out between her own sobbing, “How could I have fallen in love with a girl.”
I ease up to her and putting my hand on her shoulder to try to console her, “I can’t tell you just how sorry I am, I’ll do anything you need so you can forgive me.”
Snapping her head up to look at me, face still twisted in anger she shouted, “GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!” I quickly backed up in tears. Noticing Jen standing where she was when the kiss happened she appeared to still be in shock at what she saw.
“Fine I’ll go…” I whimper and grab my top and jeans and start throwing them on.
Jen comes up to me and whispers to me, “I’ll talk to her. Are you going to be okay?” I just shrug to finish gathering up my things. As I make sure I have everything in my backpack, Alicia is still sitting on the bed looking dazed. As I sling my backpack over my shoulder and grab the door to open I feel Jen's hand on my shoulder turning me to face her. “Rebecca tell me you are going to be okay. Promise me that you’re not going to do… You know.” She tells me, her eyes red with her own tears.
“I’m not going to do what you’re asking about; I just need to get out of here… If she’ll listen, try to let her know how much I didn’t want to hurt her, please.” I beg.
“I’ll try. Call me when you get home okay? Please.” She said as she hugged me. I just nod to her and leave the room closing her door silently.
I over hear Alicia saying,” I can’t believe you’re helping him…her... whatever it is!!” My heart totally breaks at hearing those words.
“You’re angry and don’t you dare call her an it! Robbie or Rebecca is the same person who was our friend.” Jen said starting to sound angry. “She is an incredible person, the same person that would drop anything to help a friend. Did you know that last month Robbie had plans to… take his own life…”? As she finished I could hear her voice start cracking.
I heard Alicia utter a surprised “what?” before I headed down the stairs as quietly as possible to keep from disturbing her parents. When I got to the front door I heard footsteps so I turned around and saw Mrs. Cook standing there.
“Sweetie we heard some of the commotion. Are you okay?” She asked walking up to me. I just shook my head tears flowing freely as she gently wrapped her arms around me and kissing me on my cheek. “Baby I know this hurts, but it will get better. Why don’t you let me drive you home okay?” I just shook my head no.
“It’s okay Mrs. Cook I’ll be alright. I promise.” I tell her. I’m not sure who I’m trying to convince, her or myself. She just holds me a few more minutes gently rocking me side to side before she lets me go. “I’ll call when I get home, Jen already made me promise to.” I tell her wiping the tears from my eyes.
“Okay. Sweetie if you need anything we’re here for you.” She tells me as she gives me one more kiss on the cheek. I just nod at her giving a sad smile then I turn and head out the door.
Sitting in my car I put the key in the ignition and I stop and think about everything that had just happened. Feeling so frustrated I just screamed at the top of my lungs and started pounding on the steering wheel over and over with everything I had. A few moments later I noticed some lights had turned on at the neighbor’s porch so I started the old Ghia and started to pull out when I looked up and saw both Jen and Alicia looking out the window at me. Feeling like a total ass for my outburst I put the old VW in gear and headed home.
It was late, about 11:30 when I walked into the house, I was trying to be quiet because I knew my parents would be in bed and weren't expecting me home. I was a bit surprised to find my mom sitting in her chair waiting on me.
“Mom, why are you up?” I ask her.
“Anne called me and told me what happened. How are you holding up?” She asked, getting up and giving me a hug. Which only started my tears all over.
“Mom I ended up hurting her so much… It’s all my fault” I cried.
“Shhh baby, it’s not your fault. You did everything you could not to hurt her, right?” She asked. Wiping my tears, I nodded. She continued, “Sometimes it just happens, once she calms down maybe you can talk.”
“I don’t know… I’d like to, I just don’t know if I can face her again. All I can see when I close my eyes is how upset she was.” I said as I sat down on the couch.
“I know sweetie, this will pass okay. It will get better, I promise.” She told me, then looking at my tear streaked face she smiled and continued, “Look at my poor girl, you’ve made such a mess of your makeup. Just sit right here and I’ll be right back.” I couldn’t help but smile at that and nodded to her and told her I needed to call Jen real quick anyway... She ran to the back of the house while I called to let them know I was home, and came back a few minutes later and sat down next to me.
Smiling at me as she started to wipe my tears and face, she asked how the party was. We spent the next hour sitting on the couch talking about anything and everything except what happened with Alicia. I knew she was trying to keep my mind off of what had happened, and I was thankful for that and for her. After the long talk and a long hug, I kissed her good night and went to bed, I was so emotionally exhausted I barely remember lying down before passing out.
I woke up earlier than normal and tired, due to my emotional state I didn't sleep well at all, tossing and turning through the night with some horrible nightmares. Last night I had gone to bed upset and depressed, this morning it had turned into anger. I was angry at myself for hiding for so long, I was also angry for not hiding longer, I was angry at how Alicia responded, I was angry at everything. I ended up pacing in my room for a short while, trying to calm down but it was doing nothing to cool the fire inside of me. Knowing I was going to have to burn it off otherwise I was going to explode, I started getting ready to go run. Today I knew I was going to end up pushing myself harder than I have in a while. Headed out the door I didn’t even bother to grab Mom’s keys, I was still angry enough that I didn’t care if anyone saw me in the Ghia.
Parking in my normal lot on campus I ended up stretching a bit more than normal, I knew today was going to be rough on me. Once I was finished with my stretches I started my run, trying to reign myself back some until I warmed up. Even as upset as I was, I knew better than to seriously hurt myself, after about 10 minutes I increased my pace. My normal loop that took me part way around and partway through campus was close to six and a half miles, which one loop was what I normally ran lately. As I ran, my mind started running through everything that had happened, from the start of my changes and to what had happened as of just last night. I had just started my second lap around the loop, when I heard a voice distracting me from my thoughts.
“Morning, are you in a hurry to get somewhere at this pace?” Paul joked.
I turned and looked at him, the look on my face caused his brows to furrow just a bit. “Paul today might not be a good day to run with me okay.” I told him, trying to keep my voice calm and steady.
“Rebecca are you okay?”, he asked, concern evident in his voice.
“No Paul, I’m really not.” I said, feeling some of the anger starting to fade but there was still plenty there. “I can’t talk about it, so don’t ask okay...” He just nodded.
“Well I’ll try not to bother you, but I’ll try to keep up just in case…” He said.
“Fine, whatever…” I said, not really happy he was tagging along. Even though I was angry I didn’t want to take it out on him, he didn’t deserve that. My pace stayed constant, my mind started drifting on to friendships I had formed and what may lie ahead in the months to come. Would those friendships last? Would I be able to forge new friendships? Those were the questions that were running through my head as we were finishing up my second lap of the campus.
Obviously winded by now and the pace that I had set, Paul said, “Are you not stopping? Or are you going to keep going?”
“I’m not done yet… Paul just head back; you don’t need to keep up with me.” I said panting hard. I wasn’t done yet, I still had so much conflict in my head and heart and I could still feel that smoldering anger deep inside. Paul didn’t respond at all but with a look of grim resolve he didn’t break off. I just shook my head and returned back to my thoughts.
We were about a third of the way around this time when my thoughts returned to Alicia. I thought about how I had met her and Jen when I first moved here in 2nd grade, we all instantly became friends, even when I had hit the start of my downward spiral we stayed friends. I could tell that she didn’t know what to do or how to talk to me as I started sinking, but she remained nice to me. Then once Jen had started pulling me out of my depression, how Alicia and I almost instantly hit it off again with that easy conversation and similar sense of humor. I thought about how she had come on to me and how wonderful it had felt being in her arms. Then I thought about last night and the look of hurt and anger on her face, then how she called me an it. I immediately ran out of steam and stopped running and just stood there on the path feeling the tears that had started running down my cheeks several minutes ago. I heard Paul come up behind me huffing loudly as I completely broke down and just fell in a heap crying profusely.
Paul was lost as far as what to do, he just stood there catching his breath with a concerned expression on his face. He sort of looked like a lost puppy at that moment. A few minutes later I moved to a sitting position with my legs in front of me bent and my head resting on my knees. While I was still crying, picturing her face in anger, the heaving cry was over. It was at this moment that Paul just came up and put his hand on my shoulder. I looked up at him and did my best to smile, strangely thankful that he was here still.
Reaching up and clasping his hand I softly told him, “Thank you, and I’m sorry you had to witness this.” I shook my head and wiped my tears with my other hand.
“Rebecca, I don’t know what's wrong, but I’m here if you need a friend.” He said giving me a comforting smile and softly squeezing my shoulder. Then he offered both his hands and helped me up.
“I don’t have too many of those and I think I just lost most of the ones I had.” I told him, which only started the waterworks up again.
Looking at me in the eyes, he gives me a serious look and says, “Rebecca, I find that hard to believe. I mean we really haven’t talked much, but you seem like a really good person. Why would you think that?”
“Paul… I’ve just had to overcome… I mean…” I was trying to tell him, but the fear of another incident like last night had the words catching in my throat. “I guess what I’m trying to say, for years I had been trying to be who everyone expected me to be… I couldn’t do it anymore, and last night a very close friend found out… and… and…” I couldn’t continue due to the tears started back up. I just buried my face in my hands to try to hide and then Paul caught me completely off guard. Without saying a word, he just stepped up close, put his arms around me and pulled me into a hug. For a brief second I felt the Robbie part of me screaming to pull away, but honestly in my emotional state it felt good to be held in his strong arms, it felt safe. Pushing the old part of me back down, I just leaned into his shoulder and softly finished my cry.
After I was able to compose myself once again I pulled back some, him pulling his arms from around me but gently resting his hands on my shoulders. Looking deep into my eyes he asked, “Look I don’t know your friends or what exactly you've gone through and honestly you don’t have to tell me until you’re ready to. Just know I think you’re a really cool girl and so far I like the person I’ve seen. Is this the real you, that you’ve been hiding? Or is this the person you’ve been projecting?”
I smiled at that slightly and said, “This is the real me Paul, or at least as much of the real me that I’ve discovered so far. Thank you.” He just nodded and smiled at that.
Letting go and stepping back he said, “Ok if you’re okay we need to get to walking to stretch out our legs. I have an idea. Since its almost 11 why don’t you let me take the new and improved you to lunch.”
“I’d like that.”, I told him. Then realizing something he might not know since he hadn’t ever hit on me before, I hadn’t felt the need to disclose. “Um, Paul I do need to let you know something. I don’t go to school here, I’m still a sophomore in high school. I only just turned sixteen a few months ago.” I said quietly and looking down.
“Hey it’s okay, I’d still like to treat you to lunch.” He told me smirking.
“Umm, don’t you think it would be a bit awkward taking a sixteen-year-old to lunch?” I said just a bit concerned. I mean what would a college student want to hang out with a high school student.
“Not really,” He told me laughing, “I’m only a freshman here, but there is another reason. I only just turned 17 last month myself.”
“Wait a minute? How’d you manage that?” I said fairly unbelievingly.
“Rebecca, I skipped a few grades when I was a kid. I actually should only be a junior in high school myself.” He said grinning from ear to ear.
“Why do I not believe you?” I asked skeptically.
Still laughing he said, “Honest I can show you my license and everything. This is actually kind of cool. Just about every girl I’ve been around since the 5th grade has looked down at me like a kid. So still up for lunch?” I thought for a moment before I agreed, and we started walking back to his dorm to get his car and also to stretch our legs out.
It took us about half an hour to get to his dorm and we spent the time just talking and joking around. Thankfully he didn’t press me about what had caused my melt down earlier, so we had kept it to small talk. Once we got to his dorm, he asked me to wait in the common area downstairs while he went and grabbed his wallet. Immediately after he left I noticed several of the guys had started staring at me, and a few came over to start a conversation. I had just started feeling uncomfortable since I was the only girl around and was quickly becoming surrounded, thankfully Paul reappeared and “rescued” me. It was strange, I remember my first impression of him and how he annoyed me and now I was relieved at his presence. Heading back outside we walked up to a fairly early model Fox body Mustang.
“Cool car, does it have the V-8?” I asked.
Staring at me curiously, “Umm no… Do you know about cars?” He asked.
Forgetting for a second that I was supposed to be a girl, I realized stereotypically I shouldn’t have been interested in cars. Figuring it was too late now I just smiled and said, “Just a bit. Don’t feel too bad my car is only a 4 cylinder too.”
He just laughed and unlocked my door holding it open for me to get in, that made me feel just a bit self-conscious. When he came around and climbed in the driver’s seat he just smiled and turned the key and all we heard was a loud click and nothing happened. He tried it again and all we heard was a click and again nothing. I couldn’t help but start giggling.
“Umm I don’t know what's wrong, it’s never done this before. I’m sorry.” He told me obviously embarrassed.
“Would it help if I got out and pushed?” I asked him still giggling.
“Don’t tell me you’re a Star Wars fan and a car guru too?
“Guilty, at least of the first part. Honestly though, it sounds like it’s just your starter, let me check something. Turn your lights on and when I say, try to start it.” I tell him smirking as I got out and walked to the front of the car. “Try it now” I yelled, when it clicked and the lights didn’t dim I knew what it was. Walking to the driver’s side I just leaned on his car door smiling.
“Okay, do you know what it is?” He asked, pretty dumbfounded that I appeared to know what I was doing.
“Yeah your starter solenoid isn’t engaging, so you need either a new starter or a new solenoid. If you can get just the solenoid its cheaper.” I tell him, still smiling. Then I add, “C’mon we can take my car, follow me. It’s only parked a few blocks away from here”
He gets out of his car and giving me a sideways look and says, “You, Rebecca, are not like any girl I’ve ever met before.”
I laughed, but only slightly as I thought of exactly just how different I was. Quietly I just said, “You have no clue Paul. No clue at all.”
When we arrived at my old Ghia, Paul was dumbfounded I was driving this old relic. I don’t think he had ever seen a Karman Ghia before honestly. As we got in and I coerced the old fella to start, he started quizzing me on how I knew so much about cars and why I was driving this thing. I started to tell him the history of it and how I used to help my Dad work on it when I was little. I also told him I had inherited my dad’s love and gift of tinkering on things, so I tended to pick up car stuff very easily. We ended up going to this great little sandwich shop and ended up having a really nice lunch. He didn’t pressure me for anything and we just talked like old friends. About school and our pastimes, I figured since he knew already about my car skills I told him about my step-dad’s agreement, that as long as I did the work he would buy the parts for me to finish the restoration on the Ghia.
As I dropped him back at his dorm he asked, “Could you show me where the starter is? That way when Dad sends me the money I know what I’m supposed to change.” I couldn’t help but grin and nod. Shaking his head, he popped the hood and I opened it the rest of the way. Looking around I spotted the starter and pointed it out to him.
“Usually these are easy to change, just those wires and two bolts and it will slide out okay? Then just reverse that to put the new one in.” I told him. Then I looked around and couldn’t help but smile a bit, since we had gotten some attention from guys watching us and pointing.
“Um Paul, it looks like we have an audience. Sorry but they’re probably going to give you a hard time. Unless you just want to tell them you were explaining stuff to me to save face.”, I told him with a devilish grin.
Looking around Paul started to look a bit embarrassed, he just said, “Great, that’s all I need as if they didn’t give me a hard time before for being a couple of years younger than them.” Then he laughed a bit, “Actually I think I'll just make them jealous of having a hottie car mechanic for a girlfriend.” Immediately he saw the look of surprise on my face at that comment, then realized what he had said. “No that’s not what I meant, I meant umm, a friend that’s a girl… Oh geez.” His face turned bright red at that and set me off to laughing until I was about to cry.
Lightly punching him in his arm, I just said, “Just remember that mister. You know that would probably make them a bit jealous.” I gave him a big teasing grin. Then I started thinking essentially what had just happened might be construed as a date, but friends can go eat together right? Even if they are a boy and a girl, right? I didn’t realize it but my smile had faded at those thoughts.
“Rebecca are you okay? What's wrong.” He asked me.
“Paul… I want to be straight with you okay. We’re just friends, right? I just… with everything going on with me right now… That’s all I can offer right now okay?” I said, trying not to let my mood wreck the fun that we had had.
“Rebecca I’m okay with that, actually I really haven’t made that many friends here. I would consider myself extremely lucky to have you as a friend.” He told me, concern in his eyes. I just stared at him in his eyes for a quick moment, and the way he said that made my skin feel flushed all of a sudden.
“Paul… As far as what you did for me today… for being there like you were… I just want to say thank you…”, I said softly. I thought about shaking his hand but quickly dismissed it as lame, suddenly I caught myself leaning in and wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him in for a nice tight hug. Feeling him wrap his arms around my waist and hugging me back made that flushed feeling all the more intense. It reminded me almost of how I felt when Alicia hugged me that night, but it was different and I wasn’t sure how just yet. Finally breaking the hug, I turned and kissed his cheek real quick which made him blush even brighter.
Putting his hand over his cheek where I kissed him, he looked at me curiously and asked, “What was that for?”
“Just an additional thank you.” I said smirking, then trying to figure out why I had kissed him myself, I just added, “Hey my friend Jennifer and I kiss each other on the cheek all the time. Besides you’re the first boyfr…. I mean… friend who's a boy that I’ve had… So just deal with it.” Realizing my slip up and almost calling him a boyfriend made me blush a bit, but did tickle me so I busted out laughing. Paul was amused at it as well and joined in the laughter.
Once we had quit laughing we said our goodbyes and set a time on Monday to meet up for our next run, Paul also asked if I would mind helping him when he got his new starter. After kidding him for a minute I of course agreed. Driving home I realized I was still upset over Alicia, but it was tolerable. Maybe just having Paul there, as a friend, made the difference. Who knows, if he hadn’t of shown up today I might still have been running.
Getting home Mom of course checked up on me, she had been worried when she saw I was gone and hadn’t taken her car today. I told her how I was angry and didn’t care if I was seen or not. I also told her about my day with Paul and how he had helped me. I noticed a twinkle in her eye as she listened to me so I had to remind her he was just a friend. I don’t see guys like that, or at least I never had before. To keep her from quizzing me to death, I headed to take a shower and gather my stuff for spending the night with Jen. All of us had agreed until my secret was out that I would continue going to church with them and sleeping over at her house the night before.
When I arrived at Jen’s a few hours later she immediately just grabbed me in a hug and asked, “How are you? I’ve been worried.”
“Actually I’m okay considering, well everything that happened. How is Alicia?” I asked, needing to know.
“I honestly don’t know, she calmed down a bit after you left and we heard your… umm… Outburst in your car last night. We talked for a while before we went to sleep, but she left early this morning shortly after waking up. She's hurt, but you already knew that. Rebecca, I don’t think she will tell anyone, but I'm not positive at all.” She told me putting her hand on my arm. I just nodded.
“If she tells she tells, nothing we can do about it now. Guess we will find out tomorrow at church if she told Robin.” I say. After thinking about it a for a minute I just sigh and ask, “Can we not talk about it and just have fun tonight, I’ll just deal with it tomorrow if she did say anything to anyone.”
Jen just smiled at me and said, “You know? I think we can do that.”
We spent the rest of the night just hanging out. After eating supper, we spent the rest of the night in her room mostly just talking. I told her about my run, my meltdown and how Paul had been there to help me. While she didn’t make any comments about Paul I could tell she was filing the conversation away to revisit it later, probably once this crisis was over with Alicia.
I woke up to a repeat of the previous week, Jen had snuggled up to me and had her arm wrapped around my waist. Unlike last week I didn’t have to urgently use the restroom, so I laid there snuggled up to her. Like before I didn’t feel turned on in any way, but laying there with her holding me tightly just felt right. Finally, her alarm started buzzing and she just groaned for a minute before finally rolling over and turning it off. I rolled over to look at her and just gave her a big smile.
“Morning girlfriend.” I told her, I could tell she wasn’t awake enough to appreciate my cheerfulness
“Ugh, let me guess you’ve been awake for a while. No one is that cheerful just waking up.” She muttered, but did add a slight smile.
“Maybe I was awake for a while, and maybe I just didn’t want to disturb my snuggle buddy.” I grinned.
Laughing at that she smiled and said, “Well your snuggle buddy appreciates it, but go get your shower and let us non morning people wake up fully.” I laughed at that, but obliged.
Getting ready this morning Jen didn’t have to do any touch ups to my makeup, of which I was pleased with. She still didn’t approve my very simple style, today was just a nice skirt blouse combo that showed my figure quite well. I even argued that I thought that there was an elegance to its simplicity to which she just rolled her eyes at me.
By the time we arrived at Sunday School my anxiety was high but not enough that I couldn’t hide it. Greeting Robin before class started, it didn’t appear that Alicia had told her anything about me, or anyone else. If she had of told anyone at all it would have been all over the town by now I was pretty sure. By the time class had ended I was fairly calm and thoroughly enjoyed class and even the service after. I kept looking around to see if there was anyone staring at me, while I was calm I was still a bit nervous. Other than a few guys were staring at me, no one was giving me any odd looks thankfully. Strangely I didn’t find the stares the guys did give me really didn’t bother me at all, I knew what was behind those stares and that kind of excited me. Which surprised and scared me at the same time.
I spent most of the day with my guard up, just in case she did tell someone. The day actually was quite relaxing and calm. Knowing tomorrow was Monday, and I would be back in School in full Robbie mode with Alicia being there, my mind kept thinking that today was just the calm before the storm. That thought was what kept bouncing around in my head that night as I tried to fall asleep.
To Be Continued in Chapter 13.
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Author's Note:Thank you everyone that is following my story, the feedback is greatly appreciated. Due to the business that has been my life this November it has taken me longer to get this one finished. Due to the next month looking just as busy this will be the last chapter of Robbie's Revelation in 2016, will start it back up once we all ring in the new year. Wishing you all much love and peace in the upcoming holiday season and the New Year. ~Rebecca
Waking up this Monday morning it was extremely difficult to put on my Robbie disguise, that is what it was now, a disguise. The boy that I was pretending to be, was a fake and after what had happened last Friday night, I hated feeling like a fake. It just wasn’t time yet so I grimaced as I put on the compression vest and my glasses, on top of putting the gel in my hair to keep it lying down and hiding the length. Even though I didn't say anything during breakfast both Mom and Pop reassured me that it wasn't much longer, I knew they could feel my anxiety through my façade.
I was glad to see Jen when I walked into AP Biology, she smiled when she saw me. “Morning. Have you talked to Alicia yet?” I asked.
“Morning and no I haven’t seen her yet, I guess we will see her at lunch I hope.” She replied. We both talked about schoolwork before class started, due to what had happened we didn’t have our normal study group so we weren’t as prepared like we normally were. Thankfully there was no pop quizzes today. After class, she just told me she’d keep a look out for Alicia and that she would see me at lunch. I spent the rest of the morning walking around in a daze, worried about Alicia and IF she had spoken to anyone about me.
By the time lunch finally rolled around, I felt pretty confident that she hadn’t spoken to anyone, after all no one jumped out yelling “You’re really a girl!!”. Not that I expected that exactly, actually I had no idea what to expect, I was just on edge for something to happen. Even though I didn’t think she had said anything, I was still very nervous about seeing her.
When I first sat down with the group Alicia wasn't there yet, but everyone else was. As soon as I sat next to Jen, Holly started giving me a hard time about her party.
“How do you know I wasn’t there? I mean everyone was in costume.” I teased her. She just glared at me for a moment.
“Because I would have seen you, I knew everyone in costume there.” She said assuredly. I just shrugged at her.
“Ok if you say so, by the way you made one hell of a good-looking Elvira.” I smirked, then proceeded to compliment the others on their costumes.
Glaring at Jen, Holly said, “You told him about the party, didn’t you?”
“I didn’t tell him anything at all, I promise.” She said before giving me a look to drop it. I just nodded. A very large part of me wanted to tell the group that I was the one in the Supergirl outfit, but I knew I couldn’t just yet. Then Alicia sat down across the table from me without even glancing in my direction.
Even though I tried to drop the conversation, especially since Alicia was there, the other girls kept quizzing me how did I know so much about the party. I noticed Alicia glaring at me at that point and all I wanted to do was shrink under the table and hide. The last thing I wanted to do was upset her any more than I already have, the girls just wouldn’t stop though.
Finally, I just said, “You’re right, I wasn't there. I was just yanking your chain is all Holly.” I tried to look apologetically at Alicia, but she wasn’t having it.
Glaring at me Alicia said, “Actually he was there… I saw him… I can’t believe none of you noticed…”
“Alicia…” I started to apologize, but stopped. I definitely didn’t want to get into this in front of the group.
Looking really angry Alicia started to get up from the table and said venomously at me, “I have to go, I can’t sit here right now.”
The rest of the girls looked at me confused as to what was going on. I looked at Jen and she was staring at me worried, unsure as what to do. I just couldn't let Alicia leave like that, so I asked Jen if she could take care of my food tray and grabbed my stuff and followed Alicia. I finally caught up with her in the breezeway by the gym.
“Alicia, wait up!” I shouted out at her. When she stopped and turned to look at me, I could see her eyes were tearing up. That look of sadness made me want to crawl under a rock and just disappear. I couldn’t though, I had caused this to someone I really did care about. I had to try to make it right.
“What do you want?” She asked, her voice tinged with anger.
“What do I want? I want to talk, to see if we can find a way past this, please. I don’t want you to keep being angry at me” I say.
“Well it’s too late for that. What did you expect? That I would be okay with this?!” She blurted out.
“No I didn’t expect you to be okay with this, but I didn’t plan for everything to happen like it did either. I had planned to tell you all before the end of the school year...I never thought for a second that what happened would have ever happened” I said, starting to get slightly angry as well.
“Well it happened!! If you didn’t want to hurt me then why didn’t you just keep your mouth shut?” She asked.
“Why?! Because the longer I didn’t tell you the more you would have been hurt… I couldn’t let that happen anymore, I had to tell you. I should have told you that first night, I tried to… I’m sorry if I was scared! Even if you’re mad at me though, you can’t walk away from your friends as well.” I told her, anger evident on my voice now.
“I’m not! I was only walking away from you! You lied to me, to everybody!” She fumed.
“I know… I have been… Trust me, I’ve been lying to myself for much longer… I refused to believe what had happened to me… I couldn’t face the truth…” I managed to stammer.
“Don’t start trying to get pity from me now, not after what you did to me!” She glared.
“Did to you? I didn’t do anything to you but try to be a friend, and that’s it!” I said with my anger returning. “You can just stop this right now!! You can quit acting like you were the only one hurt with this!”
“What do you mean I wasn’t the only one hurt? I find out I fell for and kissed a girl!!” She started before I interrupted her.
“Well you weren't the only one that fell for another girl! Except I knew better! I knew what I was and knew it wouldn’t work! It happened anyway though…” I said, looking at her sadly.
“Wait… You mean that you… You like girls?” She asked noticeably taken back some.
“I don’t know, I really don’t… I do know I liked you though…” I tell her, feeling tears forming in my eyes. Alicia looked to be at a loss of words. She no longer looked angry at least, maybe stunned and confused though. I continued, “At least the person you fell for did their best to keep from hurting your feelings, that person told you they couldn’t be more than friends. When it got too far that person told you the truth… Even if it did hurt… Because I cared about you falling even harder if I let it continue… I cared… Then the person I fell for called me an it… A freaking IT!!!”
Clearly stunned Alicia says, “Robbie… I… I’m sorry I was angry… I didn’t mean it…”
“You know what? It doesn't freaking matter anymore… You don’t want to sit with me? That’s fine! You don’t have to anymore… Jen’s idea of me making friends so I would have more than just her once it all came out was a daydream anyway… You just proved that… I won’t be sitting there anymore… They only just tolerate me anyway, why don’t you go ahead and tell them the truth… That way you all can joke about the IT!!” I say angrily.
“Robbie I wouldn’t… I mean they wouldn’t do that… They don’t just tolerate you, they really do like you…” She tells me, a lot of her anger had burned off at this point. Sadly, mine had just hit the boiling point.
“Oh... They like me?! So, that’s supposed to be better? You actually think they will respond better than you? Someone who supposedly loved me? Thank you for shedding the light on how people are truly going to react!! I was better off before… This is why I refused to let people get close to me… Being alone is better than feeling… than feeling like this… Alicia… You and your friends have a nice life, I’m done… I won’t bother you all anymore…” I say feeling very distraught... Before Alicia can respond I turn and head to the restroom before the dam breaks and I totally loose it. I don’t even look back.
Driving Jen home from school she tried to find out how it went with Alicia. I didn’t go into details, I just told her that hopefully Alicia can finally get over it and move on. She tried a few more times to get more out of me, but finally stopped as my answers were getting more and more brief. She did try to get me to come in so we could talk, but I declined saying I really needed a long run to burn off some steam. With a sad look on her face, she told me she would see me tomorrow before I drove off to get changed to go on my run.
When Paul came out of his dorm he found me leaned against his mustang, and since it was a really warm day he found me wearing my short biking shorts, and a form fitting tank top that didn’t hide my sports bra at all. As soon as he saw me he burst out in a huge grin.
“Hey there slo-poke, it’s about time you showed up.” I said to him matching his grin.
“Are you trying to make all the guys jealous of me or something? What are you doing here? I thought we’d usually meet up on the run. Not that I am complaining in the least.” He said, still grinning.
“Hey, you’re the one that said running with company is better.” I said, then my smile started to fade, so I continued, “Besides after today… I could really use a friend… Hey don’t worry though, there will be no meltdowns today, I promise.” His eyebrows kind of furrowed in concern.
“Well I’m glad you’re here then. I’m also glad you consider me a friend… All I’m really worried about though… Are you going to be trying to set any land speed records today? I don’t think my legs could handle that again this soon.” He said, smiling at the last bit. I couldn’t help but laugh, it felt really good to laugh.
“Haha! No, no land speed records today, I promise.” I giggled at him. We both stretched for a few minutes and started our run.
We ran one of our regular loops, which took us about an hour and twenty minutes at a good but more relaxed pace than our last run. We continued to joke and make small talk, and a few times we tried to bump each other off the course. It was something I needed desperately to brighten my mood after what had happened at lunch today. Walking back to his dorm for our cool down period Paul told me his dad put money in his account today for his starter and if I could take him to get it one day this week.
“Why don’t we do it now? I don’t have any other plans.” I told him.
“You don’t mind? I’d really appreciate it.” He told me. Then he also remembered something else so added, “I told Dad about you and how you were going to help me fix my starter. He really sounded impressed with you, and he gave me some extra money to take you to dinner. You want to kill two birds with one stone? Please don’t say no, we don’t want to offend Dad.” He said that last bit grinning ear to ear.
“I guess we can’t then. I have a change of clothes in my car. You go get changed and I’ll get the car and change here in the ladies’ restroom in the common area, okay?” I suggested.
“Deal, I’ll meet you down there as soon as I’m ready.” He told me.
I quickly headed to my car and drove back to his dorm. As I walked in with my backpack with my clothes in it, I immediately noticed every set of eyes in the common room right on me. Unlike when I was with Paul I suddenly felt very self-conscious about what I was wearing. I rushed into the restroom to get changed.
My change of clothes were nothing but a pair of jeans and a knit pullover v neck, but once changed I really admired the way it fit. It wasn’t tight but it wasn’t baggy enough to hide my curves. Looking at myself in the mirror I couldn’t help but be thankful that Jen insisted in having a basic makeup kit in my backpack, I lightly did my eyes and lips and ended up with a casual flirty look. All of a sudden I realized that I was just going to eat with Paul, a friend… Why was I so concerned about how I looked. Trying to push those thoughts out of my head I headed out into the common room.
I found Paul already there and waiting for me, when he noticed me the look of pleased surprised he had made me giggle. I tried to ignore all the other eyes staring at me as we headed out of the dorm.
Once outside he grinned and said, “Well it took you a bit longer to get ready, but trust me I’m not going to complain. I haven’t ever seen you in anything but your running gear, you look amazing.”
I couldn’t help but blush at his compliment, but it did make me slightly uncomfortable. I softly said “Paul thank you, but please don’t be getting any ideas okay. Just friends remember?”
“Yeah of course I remember.” He said looking confused, then it hit him. “Rebecca, I’m sorry you thought I was… I mean… Look can’t a friend give another friend a compliment?”
“Yeah I guess so. I’m sorry I’m so… umm… complicated I guess would be the best term.” I told him smiling softly.
“Hey, you’re actually pretty interesting, and you’re not the least bit boring. I can live with complicated.” He said right as he bumped my hip almost knocking me off the sidewalk.
Laughing and hip bumping him back, I said “Careful, you might not want to start something you can’t win.” At that moment, we arrived at my car, as I unlocked the passenger door for him I just looked at him and smiled softly and said, “Paul, seriously thank you. For like everything the past few days.”
He smiled and leaned over and gave me a hug, which I gladly returned. I noticed the Robbie part of me that still remained was no longer fussing at the contact with Paul. I was lost in my thought when I heard Paul whisper, “That’s what friends are for.” I ended up squeezing him a bit harder then he surprised me as he softly kissed me on the cheek when he let go. I immediately felt a bit flushed and put my hand over the cheek he kissed. Smiling he just said, “Don’t look so surprised, remember you started that.” I just smiled and got in the car.
We made a quick trip to AutoZone to get his starter, which caused me to laugh hard enough I almost wet myself. I never really shopped there due to the problem I had trying to get parts for the old VW there, so I wasn’t worried in the least of being recognized. When we went to the counter the guy asked Paul what he needed, you could see by the look on his face his mind just blanked out. I immediately started laughing, then told the guy exactly what he needed, and what car and engine combo it was for. Paul just nodded and the guy behind the counter had the most surprised look on his face, right up until he started laughing. I was still giggling when we got back in the car, and completely lost it when Paul just uttered, “Nope definitely not boring.”
He let me decide where I wanted to eat, so I picked my favorite Mexican restaurant, JC Garcia’s. They had the best salsa and menu in town, and in my self-imposed exile it had been a really long time since I’d eaten there. Shortly after we sat down Paul started quizzing me on Star Wars, the fact I quoted it the day his starter died was bugging him. Instead of being offended, I knew that I was an enigma to him. I mean I was a decent car mechanic, self-described geek, Star War’s junkie, and those were just the thing he knew about. We were in the middle of our conversation and eating the incredible salsa and chips when I heard a very familiar voice that made my blood run cold.
“I know he’s here, that piece of shit car of his is outside, c’mon keep an eye out for him.”
Glancing up I saw who the voice belonged to and I was right, it was one of the Chris’ from school and right there with him was the other one and both of their dates. I mean these assholes even date together? That’s just beyond creepy.
“Rebecca, what's wrong? Who are those guys”, Paul asked. He noticed my immediate change in demeanor and saw me physically cringe. He started looking really angry.
“Just two guys from school that have made my life a living hell for years.”, I tell him. I’m trying not to sink below the table and hide, but that is what I want to do. I can feel my pulse start racing and my hands start beginning to shake.
“What do they do? You better not tell me they’ve tried to feel you up or worse…” Paul said, anger clearly in his voice.
“Paul, no its nothing like that. They are just bullies and always try to fight people they know they can beat up together.” I tell him.
“What kind of assholes try to beat up a girl? I’m going to...” He says starting to get out of his chair. I quickly grab his arm and get him to sit back down.
“Paul stop okay, they aren’t going to do anything to me okay. I highly doubt they will recognize me.” I tell him, immediately though I realize what I said and the confusion in Paul’s face tells me I just slipped up.
“Rebecca… Why won’t they recognize you? You’ve said they’ve messed with you for years. How could they not?” He said, I couldn’t tell if he was that confused or starting to get upset.
“Damn, damn, DAMN!!” I exclaim. Looking at Paul's face and since my issue with Alicia I had started paying attention to our relationship more. I had started feeling that he was wanting more than just a friendship. I couldn’t let it continue like it did with Alicia. I owed it to Paul to let him know, especially after he had been there for me like he had been.
“Paul… I think it’s time you knew my big secret… Just promise that you won’t get upset in here, if you want afterwards I’ll drive you home and you’ll never see me again.” I say softly.
Curiosity obviously got the best of him and he promised. So, I pulled out the medical document my parents had me put in my backpack once I started driving around as Rebecca. In case I got stopped the letter explained my situation. Before I handed it to him to read, I told him everything. Including what had happened with Alicia, and why I had insisted we only be friends. Once I was done telling him, I showed him the letter as proof. While he read the document several times, I just sat there wiping tears that kept forming in my eyes. I had lost Alicia, and by now probably the entire group from the lunch table except of course Jen.
Now here I am about to lose Paul, I suddenly realized just how important he had become to me. Even if he was annoying at times, and a bit of a dork, he was a really good guy. Someone I wanted to continue being friends with, did I want more from him? I honestly didn’t know, but I really wanted Paul to stay in my life.
After what seemed like an eternity he looked at me in disbelief. I couldn’t tell if he was angry or what, I’d never seen this expression on his face. He just sat and stared at me for the longest time, the whole while I felt like my world was quickly falling down around me.
To Be Continued...
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Author's Note:Thankfully, the new year has finally started to slow back down to a frenzied gallop for me and I could finally start trying to write again. That and my muse was excessively stubborn to get woken back up after my break, I thought I was hard to wake up...geez. Anyhow I hope you enjoy this addition, hope you all are having a wonderful new year so far. ~Rebecca
I sat there watching Paul and tried to gage his reaction, he kept opening his mouth and started to say something only to keep shutting it again like he was trying to think of what to say. Finally, I couldn’t stand it anymore.
“Paul please say something, anything.” I begged him.
“Rebecca… I mean I don’t know where to start… It’s a lot to take in… You’re telling me that you used to be guy? Looking at you I can’t believe it, even getting to know you I find it hard to believe… I’m just trying to wrap my head around it, I know you’re not lying, who would try to make something like this up?” He said. The look on his face was of confusion, at least he didn’t appear to be angry at least.
“Paul… I… I mean we, as in my parents too, thought that I was a guy… I mean externally I was when I was a kid, but it was only on the outside…” I told him softly while wiping tears that kept forming. I did notice a bit of sadness in his expression, I wasn’t sure if he was empathizing with me or sad to find out I wasn’t what he thought.
“Did you want to be a guy?” He asked quietly.
“I don’t even know what I really wanted anymore. I mean the world thought and expected me to be a guy so I thought that’s what I had to be. It was what was expected… So when I started developing as a girl I did whatever I had to do to perpetuate the lie I was living… I thought that was what was expected of me… That lie was slowly killing me Paul… Had it not been for Jen… I don’t think I would be here now…” I told him, looking pleadingly into his eyes.
Paul sat there for a moment, then reached over and gave my hand a soft squeeze and said, “Then I really need to meet this Jen, so I can thank her. You’ve been a good friend to have and I’m very glad you’re still here.” He smiled at me reassuringly.
Still holding his hand, I ask, “So you’re not weirded out by this?” Motioning with my other hand to the rest of me.
“Hey I do admit that it’s a lot weird, but not any weirder than a girl who can out quote me on Star Wars or a girl who is going to fix my car… I mean, so far weird has been working for you, why should this be any different.” He said with a slight laugh. I couldn’t help but giggle slightly.
“So… You’re not upset at me? I was expecting…” I started to say, but the words caught in my throat.
“What? That I’d storm out and create a scene?” He asked.
I nodded and added, “After what happened with Alicia…”
He interrupted me, “I’m not Alicia okay? You are a friend, a good friend. I can’t fathom what you’ve endured, but what kind of friend would I be if I turned my back on you. That’s not who I am. Besides from what I read you’re completely a girl now right?
“Yeah I am. According to the tests and what the doctors believe I am a fully functioning girl now… I even started having a…”
“Whoa… You can stop there.” He said suddenly. That fear of rejection started setting in again and he immediately noticed my change in demeanor. He quickly added, “I mean we’re about to eat is all, and that topic will weird any guy out.” He chuckled. Almost as if on cue our waiter came up with our dinner. As he was placing our plates down I noticed that Paul was still holding onto my hand, which caused me to blush slightly as I let go to give our waiter room to set everything down.
As Paul started to dig in to his grande burrito, I started to continue our conversation again, but he just smiled and said we can continue it when we leave, and to just enjoy our dinner. I was partly relieved but felt that the conversation wasn’t over yet, but I relented and just sat there and ate my shrimp fajitas. Oh, we still talked to each other while we were eating, but Paul moved the conversation back to our science fiction banter and light jokes. While still a bit on edge, since I was having a hard time accepting that he just accepted me, we had a very pleasant dinner.
After he laid the money down to pay for our dinner he stood up and reached his hand towards me, after a moment of confusion to what he was doing, I gently smiled and took his hand in mine. Once he helped me to my feet he never once attempted to let go and walked me back to the Ghia.
As we got to the car I looked down at our hands together and couldn’t help but smile slightly. “Umm Paul if you want me to unlock the car you’re going to need to let go so I can fish my keys out of my bag.”, I told him smiling. Suddenly he looked down at our hands and let go quickly, I could swear I saw him blushing but in the dark it was hard to tell.
“Oh… Umm. Sorry I didn’t realize I was still, umm.” He said trying to find the words.
“Shhh, its okay I don’t mind. Thank you though.” I said, giggling as I slightly bumped his hip against mine.
He looked at me very seriously and placed his hand on my shoulder, “Rebecca stop thanking me for just being a friend. I know you haven’t had a lot of friends from what you've said, but I haven’t had many either. I’m glad you’re my friend.”
I couldn’t help but reach out and give him a huge hug, as I held on to him I felt the tears start again. This time though they weren’t from being upset, while still not used to letting my emotions show, I knew these were from relief and joy from how he reacted. After a few moments, I let him go and looked at him, he looked at me with this silly smile and reached out to wipe the tears that were on my cheek. He softly asked, “Are you okay?”
I couldn't help but laugh just a bit and told him, “I am, or at least I’m getting there.” With that he leaned over and gave me a quick kiss on my forehead.
“So, are you going to unlock the car and let me in, or are we going to keep making a scene out here in the parking lot?” He asked with a big smirk on his face.
“Oh right! Sorry…” I stopped talking because I immediately felt my cheeks flush in embarrassment. I unlocked the door, and as I opened it I said with as much dramatic flair as I could muster, “Your chariot awaits.” As he climbed in, I could see him trying to stop from laughing while shaking his head. I noticed as I walked around to the driver’s side, that we had a few people that had come out of the restaurant who had been watching our display. I didn’t look directly at them, partly because I was embarrassed, but I was also fearful that either of the Chris’ could have been out there. While I wanted to know if they had seen me getting into my car, the fear of making eye contact with them like this kept me from looking.
When we arrived back at his dorm he suggested we go for a walk to walk off the heavy dinner we both had. I knew I needed to get home, but so far with all the emotional ups and downs I had had today, I really wasn’t ready to leave Paul. With his acceptance of me so far, I just wasn't ready to go home. I just looked at him and smiled and told him a walk would be wonderful.
As we walked, we resumed our talk about, well, all things me. His questions were genuine and I felt like he was trying to understand me and my situation better. After opening up to Jen, her mom, and my parents, it was getting easier to talk about, even after the way Alicia handled it. I mean I wasn’t quite ready to shout it from the rooftops, but once Paul found out my darkest deepest secret and didn’t explode I found it was getting easier to open up to him.
“You really didn’t want this to happen, did you? I mean you didn’t want to be a girl?”, He asked as we walked.
“No I didn’t… It just didn’t seem to be right to me at first. The church we used to go to was very much a hellfire and brimstone kind of place… God supposedly made you either male or female, with no room for anything in between and I used to believe that. Hell, it had been basically beaten into my head for years. Then I started changing in ways no boy should. I felt at first that I was being betrayed by God or even worse that I was being punished for some unknown reason.” I said softly, the memories of how I felt during that time was doing its best to darken my mood.
“Oh my God, that’s screwed up! How can a church, that’s supposed to be all about God so loved the world, be like that?!?” He exclaimed, and wrapped his arm around my shoulders giving me a slight squeeze as we walked. “I know it doesn’t help much, but I’m so sorry they made you feel that way. It pisses me off”
“Hey, it does help and I appreciate it. Trust me though, I don’t feel like that anymore.” I tell him as I gave his arm a squeeze.
“I keep trying to put myself in your position, you know. I’m trying to understand just a tiny bit about how you felt, and frankly I can’t wrap my head around it. I mean were you happy, umm you know, before you found out you were… Different?” He asked.
“I think I was… Back then though I was just a young kid, gender wasn’t really a deal for me then. Jen was already my closest friend and she was the biggest tomboy you would have ever seen back then. We were just friends and there wasn’t any pressure to be anything other than a kid, you know? Then once the changes started happening and we found out what the cause was, I was mostly confused and upset. I thought I was supposed to be a boy, and thought everyone expected that of me, so that’s what I kept trying to be. I don’t even remember now what I was the most upset about. I’m not sure if it was having to pretend to be a boy, or if it was that I knew I wasn’t ever going to be one… The last 4 years, my every waking moment was spent trying to be something I knew I wasn't, and that belief consumed almost every thought and every action. I don’t know if it was because I was trying to convince everyone else or just convince myself…” I replied softly.
“Well are you happy now?” He asked.
I had to think for a few moments, with everything I had gone through and especially during the last month or so I hadn’t stopped and actually considered the idea. Finally, I smiled and replied, “I think I am for the most part… There are a few places in my life that are harder, but mostly I am. For the first time, I am finally getting a chance to figure out who I really am, and not what I thought was expected of me. If that makes any sense.” I laughed slightly with that last statement.
Paul smiled and said, “With everything you’ve told me, it makes as much sense as the rest of it. I mean I still find it hard to believe. I do believe you, but I can’t every picture you as a guy. It sort of makes sense though, why you’re good with cars and like science fiction like you do. I take it the areas that are hard now is finding out how people will treat you?” I just nodded.
He smiled softly and reached out squeezing my hand and told me, “Rebecca, I only know you as who you are right now. If the person I know, is who you’re becoming, then I am one last person you have to worry about, okay? Because I really do like who you are, you’re a pretty cool person even with finding out about all this.”
“I can’t tell you how much that means to me.” I say as I give his hand a soft squeeze. “My biggest fear through all of this has been what people would think, and how they would react. After what happened with Alicia the other day…”
“Hey like I said, I’m not her. I’m not going to bail on my best friend.” He said reassuringly. My eyes started watering up yet again, for good reasons though.
“Your best friend? Really?” I ask wiping my eyes with my free hand.
“Yeah, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had. Like I said I haven’t had many friends. Since I’ve been younger than all my classmates I’ve always been treated like a kid and never truly accepted. I know just being younger is way different than your situation, but who would I be to not accept you, just because you’ve had this huge challenge.” He stopped walking to turn and look at me, while giving me a comforting smile. He must have seen my eyes were tearing up, yet again, so he gently asked, “Are you crying again?”
“I’m not trying to.” I said with a slight laugh. “I’m still trying to get used to the idea that you are okay with all of this. I know you've said you are, several times. I totally believe you when you say it, I really do. I guess I’m still trying to get over that fear that you’ll change your mind and run as fast as you can away from me. I know it isn’t rational, not at all… I’m sorry my head is so messed up…”
He looked at me softly and moved his hand from my shoulder and gently caressed my cheek. “Rebecca, I’ll tell you as often as you need to hear it okay?” He said softly, then he added with a chuckle, “Trust me though, I wouldn’t try to run away from you, you’re faster than I am.”
I couldn’t help but giggle and pressed my cheek into his hand, “Well there is that.”
“I wish there was something I could do that would prove to you that I’m serious.” He told me.
“Paul it’s okay, you don’t have to do anything other than what you’ve been doing.” I tell him. Suddenly I saw his eyes brighten up as if he thought of something. Curiously I ask him, “What?”
“I just had an idea… I know how I can prove to you beyond a shadow of a doubt. I don’t want you to keep being afraid, especially of me. Okay?” He said.
I was feeling really bad that my fear kept getting to me, and I didn’t want it to impact our friendship with me second guessing if or when he would leave. So I responded, “Okay…”
“Okay… Look, I’ve been wanting to do this for a while, and after what you’ve told me tonight hasn’t changed that… I know what you’ve said, and I’ll respect that… Do you trust me?” He asked smiling. I just nodded, still feeling his hand on my cheek. Maybe I should have seen what was coming, with my thoughts and emotions all over the place I didn’t though. He nodded and gave me a sweet smile and then leaned forward and ever so gently pressed his lips against mine. It wasn’t a forceful or even passionate kiss that he gave me, it was gentle and sweet almost as if he was afraid of going too far. I immediately started to feel myself respond and began to kiss him harder, but that inner Robbie voice, which had been getting quieter lately around Paul, suddenly screamed in outrage. I was kissing a guy, and letting him kiss me. For a brief moment, I panicked and froze, I could tell that Paul felt me freeze up and he started to pull back with a frightened look on his face.
“Rebecca… I didn't mean too… Please don’t be mad at me.” He begged.
He tried to back up but I held on to him. I didn’t know if I wanted more from Paul or not, but I refused to let an old voice of someone who no longer exists dictate what I did or didn’t do. I quickly shoved that part of the old me back down as far as I could. Looking up at Paul, I smiled at him to let him know I wasn’t mad. I softly told him, while looking up into his eyes, “I’m not mad, at all…” Inside I was a bundle of nerves, I was afraid and excited at the same time. I had to find out for myself if this was something I wanted, without listening to all of the preconceived ideas I had forced on myself for so long. I did really like Paul, he was smart, funny, and a really sweet guy, but did I like him like that? Full of uncertainty, but determined to find out, I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him down till his lips touched mine.
I’ve heard, or read, that so much can be communicated in a kiss, of course Paul was only the second person I had ever kissed. I wasn't paying attention and got caught off guard the first time he kissed me, but not this time. At first, we were both cautious, maybe afraid of how the other would react but that passed quickly. His kiss was tender, playful, touching, and full of desire, all these made my heart flutter and my knees weak. Unlike when I had kissed Alicia, which had been full of passion and desire, this time with Paul was just so much more. I wish I had the words to describe all the emotions I felt, but it was just on a deeper level than I had ever felt. When we broke the kiss, I was glad he was still holding on to me, my legs were just wobbly enough I don’t think I could have stood on my own.
“Wow!” He softly exclaimed as he looked down at me. I couldn’t help but giggle at his remark, even though I was thinking the same thing.
It took me a few moments to collect my thoughts after that mind-blowing kiss, before I said, “Paul I promise I wasn’t mad at you okay? I still have a lot of, umm, conflict up here.” I gently touched my forehead. “I’m working on it, but it’s still there…”
“Look, I know you said you could only be friends, I understand if you’re not ready for more than that right now. You’ve been totally open with me so let me come clean to you. I’ve wanted to kiss you for a while now. I mean you’re this smart, funny and incredibly gorgeous girl, even though you don’t act like any beautiful girl I’ve ever known. I’ve got a bit of conflict too, not as much as you I’m sure. I mean ever since dinner when you told me everything, my mind has been racing about everything. What you’ve gone through, how you lived for so long as a guy, if I could imagine you that way, and what would people think when everyone knows… Truth is though, that is just my mind playing games and I honestly don’t care about any of that. Even with all those thoughts I realized that I still wanted to kiss you just as badly as before… Rebecca I still really like you. The fact that you were willing to tell me everything in an effort to keep from hurting me, even though you expected me to run, makes me like you even more…”
Overwhelmed I pulled him into a hug and just held on to him and cried onto his shoulder. He just held me tight and after my sniffles started to ebb, I heard him whisper in my ear, “Even if you are a bit of a dork.” Shocked, and a bit pissed, I pulled back and immediately saw that devilish smile and laughter in his eyes. I quickly slapped him on his arm in a huff.
“Oh My God!! You’re one to talk! Have you looked in the mirror lately? Hi pot,meet kettle!!!”, I said with as much anger as I could muster, which honestly wasn’t much. Just a few seconds later I burst out in giggles at him. It was such an odd feeling; my tears hadn’t quite stopped from that emotional release and here I am laughing like an idiot, all at the same time. After I finished wiping the last tears from my eyes, he reached out to take my hand while we headed back to the dorm. I quickly pulled my hand back and said still smiling, “I’m still mad at you mister!”
With a mock look of hurt on his face, he sheepishly stuck his hands in his pockets. After a moment, he asked, “How about we compromise then?” He then reached out his elbow for me to slip my arm through.
Giggling at him yet again, I slid my arm through his, and sighed, “I guess I can do that at least.” We walked the rest of the way in silence just arm in arm with each other.
As we stopped when we got to my Ghia, Paul turned and looked at me with a serious gaze. He asked, “Are you okay now?”
I just nodded, and said, “I am Paul, very much so.”
“I know you said all that about being just friends, but I was a wondering after that kiss. If…” He asked, only to pause as if he was trying to select the right words.
I interrupted him and told him, “Paul, like I said I want to be friends… As far as anything past that? I really do like you too, but let's just take each day as they come okay? I really don’t want to rush or force anything, especially with you.” I looked into his eyes and smiled, giving his hand’s a soft squeeze I told him, “I had an incredible night tonight, thank you for… Well, for everything.”
“I did too Rebecca… For the last time, you don't have to keep thanking...” That was all he got out because I rocked up on my toes and gave him a soft gentle kiss.
“See you tomorrow?” I asked mischievously. Completely caught off guard he just nodded back.
We both said goodnight and he watched me as a drove out of the parking lot. By the time I arrived home, my cheeks were starting to hurt from the smile that had been plastered on my face.
When I walked in the door my Mom was still up watching TV. As I walked into the living room, she looked up at me and immediately noticed I had been crying. She stood up and then quickly asked, “Baby are you okay? You look like you’ve been upset.” Before I could say anything, she grabbed me in a firm hug.
“Mom it’s okay, I have been crying but they’ve been good tears.”, I told her. She let go enough to back up, so she could look up at my face. I then said, “I told Paul... Everything.”
“Really? I take it he’s okay with it, since you said good tears?” She asked.
“Yeah, he's okay with it, we went for a long walk after dinner.” I paused, not wanting to tell her what else happened, but at the same time I wanted to shout it from the rooftop as well. After a quick breath to steady my nerves, I said softly, “Mom he kissed me… I mean really, really kissed me. He doesn’t care about all the other stuff.”
I quickly saw the surprise in her face as she said, “He did? Did you kiss him back?” I nodded at that. She continued, “So… How do you feel about that?”
“At first… At first I almost panicked, I mean here I was kissing another guy… Then I quickly kicked myself, because I had to remind myself I’m not a guy, you know?” I said pausing, unsure as how to continue.
“And? I take it you kept kissing him after that?”, she asked grinning. I nodded sheepishly. Mom softly smiled, “How did it make you feel sweetie?”
“Mom... It felt great… It felt amazing... But then I felt scared too, and excited… Nervous, but happy… I’ve never felt all those things at once…” I told her and started to lower my eyes.
She quickly put her hand under my chin and lifted my face to look at her. She was smiling gently and said, “Baby, I think those are the things you’re supposed to feel.” Then she gave me another huge hug and I just held on to her for all I was worth.
We sat and talked for a bit more before I excused myself for bed. With the emotional rollercoaster I had been on today, I was physically, mentally, and emotionally wiped out. After I had gotten ready for bed and was lying there, I started to think about who all had been there for me. Jen, who I couldn’t beat off with a stick if I wanted to, her parents, and my own parents. Now I also had Paul… Were we boyfriend and girlfriend? Or just friends like I had demanded at first. The more that question rolled around in my head I finally just decided to take my own advice, I’ll take each day as they come until I know for sure.
Touching my lips gently I could still feel the touch and taste of his lips on mine. With a silly grin on my face, the last thought before I finally drifted off to sleep was, I really think I can do this!
To Be Continued...
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Author's Note:Just wanted to thank everyone who has been following my little jaunt, this chapter took a bit longer to write. I couldn't find a place I was comfortable stopping it in the middle, so while it took twice as long to write its at least almost twice as long as normal. Anyway, hope you enjoy. ~Rebecca
The next morning I was in such a good mood I didn’t think anything would be able to break it, well when I got to school I found out otherwise. I was walking to my locker before class, humming softly to myself and just enjoying this feeling I was experiencing. As I rounded the corner by the math and science wing I saw Alicia standing by my locker, thankfully she was looking down the other hallway and didn’t see me. What the hell could she want with me? Didn’t she say enough to me already? With those questions in my head I quickly spun around and headed back the way I came.
Seeing the expression on my face, Jen asked, “Are you not doing any better?”
“Yeah, well I was at least… I almost ran into Alicia on the way to class…” I said.
“You need to talk to her, she’s really upset about all that happened.” She told me.
“You know I got that memo yesterday from her. I told her I’d leave her alone, but she needs to do the same with me. I don’t want to talk with her anymore” I tell her, anger evident in my voice. Taking a few moments and a few deep breaths to try to regain that feeling I had earlier, I continued, “I just want to go back to being in the mood I was in earlier. Please let’s not talk about her okay?”
“Okay… So…. What put you in such a good mood? I mean you were really upset yesterday when you dropped me off. Was your run that good?” She asked, her curiosity was obvious.
“Well… The run was okay I guess, but it was more what happened afterwards…” I said feeling my cheeks starting to flush. Nervously I looked around to make sure no one was paying attention and continued, “You know I was helping Paul with his car? He ended up treating me to dinner last night…” I had to stop to try to compose myself some, because I knew I was blushing at this point.
“And?” She asked. Then in a much softer tone, “Was it like a date, date?”
“Not at first… Some things sorta happened, I had to tell him Jen… Everything…” I said softly.
“Oh my God!!! How did he take it?” She asked, then after a quick moment she added, “Wait you said it wasn't like a date at first… Robbie what happened?”
“He was surprisingly okay, I mean he had several questions but he was okay. We ended up going on a walk afterwards…” I told her then very softly told her, “Jen he kissed me…” Just saying that out loud sent tingles through me remembering how that kiss had made me feel.
“He what?!” She exclaimed, half shouting and half whispering. Then more softly she asked, “Oh my god!! So, what did you do?”
I could feel my cheeks flush just a bit with a bit of embarrassment, biting my lower lip slightly I just shrugged at her while sheepishly grinning. Jen's eyes opened wide and before she could say anything our teacher cleared her throat letting us all know class was starting. While I spent most of the class buried in schoolwork so I didn’t have to focus on anything else, Jen mostly just stared at me like she was in shock.
As class was over and I was gathering up my stuff, Jen said, “Look we’ve got to talk about this, you’ve got to fill me in on everything. See you at lunch?”
Remembering what I had told Alicia about not sitting there I just responded, “I’ve got some stuff to do at lunch, we’ll talk on the ride home okay?” She just nodded, I could tell from her expression that she wasn’t happy at me for ditching on the lunch crowd but what could I do?
The rest of the day just went by normally, well as normal as any high school day could be. Lunch period I found a quiet place so I could sit and study some, since I had been spending far less time studying and more time socializing than I was used to. As hard as I tried to keep focused on my schoolwork, I kept feeling lonely sitting here by myself. I had spent the last few years mostly alone in my self-imposed exile. I should be used to this, but I found that I was craving time with my friends. I kept thinking though, that they were only going to be my friends as long as I kept the appearance they expected of me. While I knew that I had several people who were standing with me, I couldn't expect that to be the normal… Alicia proved that to me so very well. After an agonizing and lonely 45-minute lunch I finally was able to move on to the rest of my day.
The last class of the day was Health class, and I was worried about being forced to talk to Alicia. It was the only class of the day that I shared with both her and Jen. I eventually came up with a plan on how to limit the chances I had to have to talk with her. Even with how she had reacted, and as mad as I still was at her, I still didn’t want to be mean to her. For some reason, I still cared about her and didn’t want to hurt her any more than I had already, so I acted on the plan I had formed to try to just avoid her. On the way to health class I hung back in the hallway and waited as everyone entered the classroom. As soon as I saw Alicia go in I went and waited right outside the door until the tardy buzzer started to ring, and then rushed in to my seat barely making it before the buzzer finished. As I swung around into my seat I glanced at Alicia three rows over and saw that she was staring at me with a very sad expression. I did my very best to keep that guilt that I was still feeling from becoming overwhelming throughout class. The last thing I needed to do was break down in the middle of class, so I focused on the teacher and the clock. With just a couple of minutes to spare I quietly stuffed my things in my backpack and got my legs swung around from under my desk. As soon as the buzzer ending class started to sound I looked over at Jen and told her I’ll meet her at the car. With that said, I sprung out of my seat and was out of the door before the ending buzzer was finished ringing. I was about thirty yards away from the classroom before any other students starting filling the hallway. While my plan was obvious and probably very crude, it was at least effective. One day down without having to confront her again, with just two and a half years of school left…
Needless to say I got to the Ghia several minutes before Jen, so I went ahead and fished out my contact case and got rid of my glasses. God how I had disliked those things before, now I hated them. When I had agreed to start wearing them again I knew it was needed for my disguise, but now that disguise was feeling heavier and heavier. It was just another reminder of the lie that had hurt not only myself but many around me. I only had a few more weeks to go and I could rid myself of this stupid disguise and finally bury the lie I had been living once and for all.
A few moments after I had gotten my contacts in and my hair brushed out from being gelled down to my skull, my passenger door got flung open and Jen sat down rather hard. “Robbie what the hell was all that about?!” She half asked and half yelled. Then she took a quick look at me and saw I had already ‘put’ Robbie up for the day… More softly she asked, “Aren’t you worried about being seen? I mean we’re still sitting in the school lot.” I just shook my head and started driving her home.
We didn’t really talk much most of the way to her house, she just sat there and looked at me with a worried expression. Finally, as we were pulling into her driveway, she asked, “Just how bad are you struggling with all this? Don’t try to bullshit with me either. I know you better than you know yourself okay?”
“Jen… I keep getting small glimpses of just how good things can be for me as Rebecca. I mean being honest with people and not hiding is just so… so… I don’t even know how to explain it!” I say.
“Freeing?” She says with a small smile as she gives my hand a small squeeze.
I laugh slightly, “That's as good as a description as any I guess. Do you mind if I change and get out of this vest here? I’ve got to go see Paul and fix his car for him in a bit.”
Jen started laughing, “Boy that would be a sight, so how much hell is he going to catch when the guys there see a hot chick working on his car?”
I couldn’t help but laugh really hard at that statement, actually I had been thinking about that a lot. I just grin and tell her, “I don’t know, but if the weather was a bit warmer I was going to go there in a tank top and a mini skirt just to mess with him.”
We both broke out in laughter till we had tears in our eyes, Jen finally looked at me and said, “You are soooo bad, but I love it.” She then got quiet as we were walking into the house, and then in a much more serious tone she added, “Rebecca I want you to know I am proud of you. Really fucking proud.”
I couldn’t help but get choked up and grabbed her in a hug, I whispered, “Jen I owe it all to you, if it hadn’t been for you…” my voice started to crack and it took me a few seconds before I could finish my statement. “I wouldn’t even be here now. Thank you. For everything”
We hugged for several moments, holding each other fiercely as a few good tears flowed down our cheeks. As we broke the hug she gave me a warm smile and said, “Hey that’s what friends are for right? You’ve been my best friend for almost as long as I can remember… I couldn’t imagine how life would be if you weren't here…” She paused and stared up at me for a moment and then said, “You know I love you, don't you? You’ve always been like my goofy brother, the fact you’re now my beautiful sister doesn’t change that...”
I softly wiped my cheeks and smiled at her, “Jen thank you… I’ve always thought of you as a sister also, one that I love very much. You’ve always been there, no matter what. No matter how hard I pushed everyone away… You stuck with me.” I smiled at her for a moment, realized the moment had gotten way too mushy for our normal banter I couldn't help but giggle, “Even if you were a big pain in my ass at times.”
She quickly slapped my arm in a huff saying, “Damn right I was! Your stubborn ass needed me to be!” She then saw the huge smile I had on my face and how I was struggling not to laugh and realized I had gotten her. She fussed, “You asshole! You are so irritating at times!” She was trying to look mad and hurt, but the smile that cracked through betrayed her.
Taking her hand in mine I told her, “Promise me though, you’ll keep being a pain in my ass.”
Still trying not to laugh she told me, “Oh you better believe I’m going to keep being a pain in your ass, till the day I die. That missy, I promise.”
With that we both headed upstairs to her room so I could finish removing the last traces of ‘Robbie’, mainly my gender-neutral jeans and compression vest. As I was putting on my bra, I asked her to come with me, I really wanted her to meet Paul and as he said he really wanted to meet her. She reluctantly agreed, I didn’t think she wanted to be a third wheel but at the same time she was curious enough she wanted to meet him.
I was almost finished with my makeup when I noticed that Jen had been staring at me with an odd look. When she realized I noticed her staring, she asked, “Do you two have plans this evening or something?”
“No not really, I was going to have to study some this evening… I was just going to change his starter and hang out for a few why?”
“Well, don’t get me wrong, your makeup is flawless… Don’t you think it’s a bit much for working on a car?” She mused.
I hadn’t even thought about it honestly. I mean why was I getting all dolled up? Then it hit me, and frankly I was a bit embarrassed. Sheepishly and with my eyes looking down I muttered, “I wasn’t thinking about it honestly… I was just going to see Paul and I… Well I just…” I couldn’t actually say the words out loud to Jen.
She softly whispered, “Because you want to look good for him, don’t you? Right?” I just nodded and tried not to make eye contact. She gave my hand a squeeze and told me, “It’s okay to want to look good for someone you like, no need to be ashamed about that.”
Still feeling like I needed to explain more I started off, “Honestly Jen, I didn’t even think about it… it just seemed… Natural I guess. Should I take it off? Maybe go a bit lighter with it, or maybe…” I started stammering.
Before I could ramble any further, she interrupted me, “Becca stop it… You look amazing okay… Besides, since you couldn’t wear the mini skirt, this is the next best thing.” She laughed and I quickly joined her, I couldn’t help it. She then mused, “If this guy has you this flustered, I definitely have to meet him… You ready?” With a quick final check in the mirror I gave her a quick nod and we were out the door.
We arrived a bit earlier than our planned meeting time so I went up to the RA that was downstairs and asked him if he could get a message to Paul. The look on his face when I told him that I was here to fix his car was priceless, I hoped Paul didn't catch too much hell from these guys. I almost felt guilty but then again Paul is always aggravating me to no end, so he sort of has this coming.
Jen and I went to sit in the common room to wait for Paul, when we walked in there was a table of guys playing D&D at the large table. When we walked in the game just sort of paused as they stared at us, I was still getting a bit embarrassed at the attention but it was fading and replaced by a feeling of, dare I say, pride. Trying to overcome my embarrassment I probably was overcompensating when I chose a couch right by the guys playing.
Jen and I talked quietly between us for a few minutes, but I kept observing the guys around the table kept staring at us. I suddenly thought of a way I could mess with those guys, admittedly I used to play when I was younger and enjoyed it. Unfortunately, the friends that I had played with got pushed away when I started having my issues. I guess Jen could tell I was up to something from the expression on my face, she was giving me the what are you up to stare. Grinning at her I just gave her a wink, kinda like just watch.
“So, what module are you guys in?” I asked cheerfully.
They all just stared at me like I had just grown a second head, making me smile all the bigger trying to keep from laughing. The guy acting as the dungeon master slowly pulled up the module to show me which one.
“Ooo that was one of my favorites.” I exclaimed. I had to stifle a giggle at the look of disbelief the guys were giving me. Several moments later they looked at each other and started laughing, like I was making a joke.
“Right, as if someone like you has ever played this.” The guy that had been acting as the group leader snorted.
“What do you mean someone like me?” I asked indignantly. “I have played it and actually DM’d this module before.”
“Oh yeah? C’mon and prove it then!” The guy said sarcastically.
Getting up staring him directly in his eyes, I asked, “Okay so where are you guys at?”
“We’ve just cleared the top two levels, we've been hunting for our way down for the last half hour.” He told me his smugness obvious.
Grinning I remembered exactly what they needed to do. I walked closer to him cupped his ear with my hand and told him what they needed to do.
“Really? That's it?” He asked, a bit more unsure of himself now. I just grinned and shrugged my shoulders. Sitting back next to Jen she was trying to keep from laughing.
She leaned in and whispered, “You know most girls would die before letting anyone know they played that game.”
“We’ll we’ve already proven I’m not like most girls.” I whispered back giggling. We both started laughing and at that point I saw Paul coming out of the stairwell. I nudged Jen and pointed at him to let her know it was time to go. Walking out of the common room I just smiled at the group and waved, the stares I got back were no longer stares of admiration but confusion.
When Paul saw me, his face lit up in a huge smile, I could feel one forming on my face as well. We just kinda sat there smiling at each other, I guess we took too long because Jen nudged me.
“Oh yeah! Paul... This is my friend Jennifer I’ve told you about, and Jen this is Paul.” I said.
Jen stuck her hand and greeted him, “It’s really nice to meet you finally, she’s told me a lot about you.
Paul took her hand and said, “It’s great to finally meet you, and likewise, she's told me a lot about you… and everything that you’ve done for her. Thank you for that.”
Jen smiled, and told him, “Like I told her, it’s what friends do. She’s a pretty special person to me, well once you get past her being a smart ass.” They both started laughing at my expense as we walked outside.
Luckily, I was able to park just one space away from Paul’s Mustang, once we got to the parking lot Paul let me know he didn’t have any tools. I had already counted on that and had loaded mine in the car last night.
“It’s okay, I have mine in the trunk, the lid sticks so lift up on it while I pop it open.” I told Paul. Immediately I saw him head to the back of the car, which set me and Jen both giggling.
Looking confused he asked, “What’s so funny?”
“That’s not the trunk. Don’t worry she laughed at me too when I did the same thing. Go ahead and lift it up, you’ll see.” Jen said. Paul lifted the hatch at the rear of the car and once he saw the engine the confused look set me off giggling again.
“It’s a Ghia, the engine is in the back like in a Bug.” I say to him smiling. I pointed to the front where Jen was standing and popped the trunk open with her help.
Paul walked back to the front of the car and muttered, “How was I supposed to know.” He looked like it was bothering him, and that caused my smile to quickly fade.
“Paul I’m sorry… If you’ve never messed with one of these there isn’t any reason for you to know. It’s alright, and I’m sorry for teasing you about it. Besides you’re cute enough it makes up for your lack of knowing about car stuff.” I smiled slightly and gently rocked up on my toes to kiss him lightly on the cheek. He returned my smile, with his cheeks slightly turning red. I stared at him for a moment thinking what I had just said and realized I had meant it. He really was cute, and I just now noticed it. Until that moment I had always just thought him as Paul and not some cute guy. We just kinda stared at each other until Jen cleared her throat.
“Excuse me you two, but are you gonna work on the car or not? I kinda need to study this evening.” Jen said while giving me an odd look. I just raised my eyebrows at her as if to say what? She just shook her head at me with a grin and then we got to work getting the tools and stuff out of my car.
While I was under the car working, Jen and Paul were talking and getting to know each other. Once their conversation started being about me I just shouted out, “You both know I’m right here, don't you?” Which earned me a soft kick on my shoe and an admonishment of get back to work from Jen. I was just about finished and I heard a guy’s voice yell out. Being under the car it was muffled and I wasn't able to understand it.
Then I heard Jen yell back, “She's under the car changing a starter!” To which I heard a loud no freaking way in response. I was done so I slid out from under the car dragging my tools with me. When I stood up I saw it was the group leader from the game inside and he was staring at me in shock. It appeared that Jen was trying her best not to laugh at his response.
Trying to figure out why he was looking at me like that I asked, “Did I get grease on my face or something?”
He just shook his head and said, “No you look fine… I mean better than fine… Wait! I meant you don't have anything on your face… I just was surprised to see you working on a car...”
“Okay… You guys already call it quits for the day?” I asked, starting to feel a bit uncomfortable the way he was staring at me.
“Oh that! We were supposed to keep going for few hours, but Dan got pissed because you told us how to get past where we were stuck. It was pretty funny he started talking crap about you as soon as you walked out, so I figured why not try and do what you said…” He said excitedly… He was still staring at me then almost as an afterthought he said, “You play D&D, work on cars, AND you're gorgeous… I think I’m in love…”
“What?!?” I exclaimed, playing with the guys was just supposed to be funny but this was not what I had expected. Nervously I took a small step back, then Paul came to my rescue and stepped slightly in front of me.
“Hey Shane, sorry but she's already spoken for okay?”, Paul stated.
Shane looked surprised at that, then quickly backpedaled, “Oh sorry man I didn’t mean to say that out loud. It's cool dude, you’ve got you one heck of a catch there…” He was holding his hands up like he was surrendering, then looked around Paul at me and added, “It was cool meeting you, but you can come back anytime. I never see someone get the best of Dan, that was awesome.” With that he backed up and went inside.
As Paul turned around to face me I couldn't help but grin, “So I’m spoken for, am I?”
His cheeks flushed for a moment and he stammered, “Well uh... I just didn’t think you’d want that.. umm… that kind of attention I guess… Hope you don’t mind…” He said with a slightly embarrassed smile.
I shook my head smiling at him, noticing though a group of guys milling about watching us, a couple of them ones that had been playing the game. I glanced in their direction and said, “Looks like we kinda have an audience.”
He glanced over at them quickly and responded, “Yeah they’ve been out here watching while you were working on the car… Why did you have to do that with those guys playing inside, you do know I’m going to catch enough hell just because you fixed my car.” I started to feel a bit guilty for that but quickly noticed Paul's smirk when he said that.
“Hmmm. I have an idea… Jen and I have to get back to her house and study this evening, but before I go, how about I make it up to you?” I said with a mischievous grin.
Paul looking at me warily he said, “Umm what do you have planned and am I going to regret it?
I laughed and told him softly, “I highly doubt it, but with the audience it should make it up to you.” I quickly stepped towards him and reached my arms around his neck. Looking at his eyes I reached up and without any hesitation put my lips to his, tenderly at first but then he started kissing me back. While I still felt a small bit of self-doubt while kissing him, the remnants of the boy I used to be was quickly drowned out by all my other senses. The feeling of his arms around me, his soft lips on mine, and even the slight scrape of his slight stubble against my skin made my entire body tremble with excitement. We were interrupted when Jen cleared her throat. Breaking apart I slid my hands down and rested on his chest, while he slid his from my back and rested on my hips. We both were smiling and I said softly, “See you tomorrow for our run?” He just nodded and I gave him a quick peck on the lips and we started putting my tools back in my car. He stood there with a silly little grin on him as we drove off.
Oddly enough other than Jen giving a few odd looks every now and then she really didn’t comment much on what happened. Once we got back to her house we simply studied like we always had. As I left for the night she did give me a hug and said she liked Paul, he seemed to be a good guy and that he seemed to really like me.
Nothing exciting really happened the rest of the week, after all school was just school. I did spend some time with Paul after our runs, and when I didn’t see him I was at Jen’s studying trying to catch back up from all my socializing. While Alicia did keep popping up every now and then at my locker, I kept trying to avoid her. The last thing I wanted was another confrontation with her. Lunchtime was absolutely the worst though, I kept away from the group even with Jen bugging me to come back and try to make up with Alicia…She told me everyone missed me, which just made it that much harder to stay away.
Saturday morning I had gotten up early and even though the temp had dropped, finally it was acting like mid-November here, I had gone on an early run with Paul before he had to drive home for the weekend. While he was an in-state student, home for him was still 2 ½ hours away from here. His parents had wanted him to come home last night, but we wanted to spend some more time with each other before he was going to be gone for 2 days. After I had seen him off and headed home my mind started thinking about everything that had happened the last few months.
I was still deep in thought as I was drying my hair after my shower, the girl in the mirror and I just stared at each other for the longest time. Finally, Mom barged in and scooted past me, saying her bladder couldn't wait another second on me. I guess it showed just how far I had come, just two months ago, the thought of my mom being in the bathroom with me just in my underwear would have sent me into a panic attack. I was looking and playing with my hair when she finished. It had been a little over 5 months since the last time I got it cut, while it was fairly long now it was extremely shaggy looking and sitting just about my shoulders.
“Mom, do you think you could trim my hair up some?” I asked her softly. I knew if I got it cut in a real feminine style it would make the last month at school that much harder to hide it. The long shaggy look might have been okay for a guy, but it was really starting to bother me. I was afraid that I was starting to get vain, but I figured that most girls would be really concerned with their appearance so I did my best to drop those fears.
“Baby, I’m afraid I would mess it up too much. It’s one thing giving your step-dad a trim with the clippers… Why don’t I call Bev to see if she could fit you in? If you want me to that is.” She told me reaching up and placing her arms on my shoulders. Bev, or Beverly, was a stylist that owned her own shop, she was also in the choir with my Mom at church.
Part of me was excited, but the other part of me was afraid. Hesitantly I asked, “What would we tell her about me?”
“Sweetie, I knew this day was coming eventually. I’ve already talked with her about it, she said that when you were ready she would love to help you out.” She said, smiling at me.
“Really? I mean she knows and she's okay?” I asked, I’d known Bev as a friend of Mom’s now for a few years. She was a sweet lady and that she was okay with me shouldn’t have been a surprise.
“I was thinking, since you’re going to be going to Jen’s to spend the night, would you mind spending the day with an old broad like me? I could stand to have some mother and daughter time.” She asked me grinning softly.
“I think I’d love that Mom… I could use some mom and me time too.” I told her as I grabbed her in a hug, which she readily returned.
“Okay baby, go get some clothes on and I’ll call Bev.” She told me as she swatted my rear end and headed to the living room.
About half an hour later we were in Mom’s car and my emotions were all over the place. On one hand I was excited and on the other I was afraid. I know that Mom said that Bev was okay, and I had no reason to think otherwise, yet that fear seemed to be always present.
The salon wasn't busy at all when we walked in, there was only one lady getting her hair done by one of the stylists. We hadn’t even gotten fully in the door when Bev greeted us and told us to follow her to one of the chairs in the back. As soon as we got to the chair she stopped and turned to look at me. I could see the surprise in her eyes, after a small smile though she came and gave me a hug. I’ve known her for several years and while I was used to getting hugs from her, this one caught me by surprise.
“Robb… I mean Rebecca… God sweetie I’m sorry…” Bev told me while she held me in a brief hug. “Your Mom sorta filled me in on your umm… Let’s just say situation…” She looked around and while there was only one other customer and stylist, she looked like she didn’t want to risk them hearing too much. She took a closer look at my face and figure and said, “Oh my you look amazing, when Jane told me everything I mentally prepared myself… You really do look great…”
I couldn’t help but smile, my vanity maybe, and told her, “Thank you… Well my hair does need a bit of help… Okay maybe more than just a bit.” I couldn’t help but giggle at that just a bit.
“Well Hon, you’ve come to the right place. Let’s make you beautiful girl… Well even more than you already are.” She said with a grin and a wink. In a dramatic flair she used the cape to dust off the chair and present it for me to sit in. While it was really silly, it still made me giggle.
We talked a bit about what I wanted, honestly I had just wanted to clean up my hair so it wouldn't look like I was borderline homeless. It really didn’t take much prodding before she talked me into lightening my dirty blonde hair and add blonde highlights on top of the style. The other customer had gotten finished and Bev told the other lady working, Cindi, to come give me a manicure. I did balk at getting polish but I was coerced into at least getting clear.
Once Cindi got finished with my nails, I do admit that they looked much cleaner and nicer; other than the shine from the clear you really couldn’t tell they were “done” unless you knew what to look for. Bev was in the process of making my hair look like a short-wave antenna with all the foil she had wrapped in it, when Cindi noticed that I wasn’t wearing earrings. I had gotten carried away, and after wearing clips on earrings a few times I actually didn't need much coercing. The problem with me getting carried away was I asked if I could get two in each earlobe. I really liked how other girls looked with two piercings, and I figured why not. I guess my Mom had gotten caught up in our mother/daughter moment with me, because neither of us thought about how me going to school on Monday with two earrings in each ear would work out.
Mom and I had probably been in there for almost 3 hours by the time the ladies were finished with me and did the big reveal, spinning the chair so I could face the mirror. I had imagined that I would look the same, just with a haircut, after all every hair cut I had gotten before didn’t really change my overall appearance much. This time I hardly recognized the stunning blonde in the mirror, the lighter color hair and the shaping that Bev had done shaped my face and actually made my blue eyes look even bluer. They had touched up my makeup as well, since I had barely put any one before we left the house. The girl in the mirror was stunning, I even waved my hand in the mirror just to make sure it was really my reflection. Once I had recovered from the shock, I stood up and grabbed Bev in a tight hug.
“Thank you so much Mrs. Smith, it looks incredible.” I told her, fighting back some tears to keep from ruining the masterpiece that had created.
“Hey now, what's this Mrs. Smith stuff? You my dear are now a client, you can call me Beverly or even Bev.” She told me with a proud smile.
I looked at Mom and she was beaming at me, the way she had raised me I just couldn't call an adult by their first name though. It would just feel wrong and awkward. I decided a compromise. “Umm how about Miss Beverly, even if Mom is okay with me calling you Bev I still feel like she’d smack me for being rude.” I told her with a giggle.
“Hon, I can live with that.” She told me with a big smile.
We spent a few minutes chatting while she cleaned up her station, then paid our bill and Mom and I headed out to see what we could get into. We spent most of the afternoon just walking and checking out the stores on Main St. in downtown. Downtown Starkville was pretty much like any small town you could imagine, it was only maybe 6 blocks long and mostly local stores were here. There wasn’t a store that we missed, but even with all the shopping we only ended up getting me one outfit. It was this really cute sweater dress and a pair of black leggings. Mom even tried to talk me into buying a pair of shoes to match, but I talked her out of it. I had only been living as a girl for two months at the most and I already was working on my second dozen pair of shoes. We ended our afternoon eating a late lunch at the Café on Main, it was a perfect ending to a perfect day with my Mom. Every outing I had been on when it was just us before today, I had been apprehensive and worried that someone would figure out who I was. Hopefully those days were behind me.
Shortly after we got home from our excursion, I was getting my things ready to head over to Jen’s when I felt my Mom’s arms wrap around my waist in a hug. I gently put my arms around her hands and gave a soft squeeze asking, “What's that for?”
“What? Can’t an old lady give her daughter a hug? I just really enjoyed our day together and I’m not quite ready to have it end.” She responded.
“Mom, I had an awesome day with you, you know I did. Thank you for everything.” I said as I softly stroked my newly styled hair.
“I know you did baby, it’s just the past few weeks you’ve been spending so much time with your friends I’ve just missed you. I’m not mad, I’m glad you are spending time with them and getting out. I just hoped though we could have more days like this, I just want to get to know my new daughter is all.” She told me wistfully.
“Mom I’m sorry… I didn’t realize… I’d love to have more days like this… I have an idea, at least until school is out and everything going on, can we plan on Saturday afternoons being “our” time?” I asked. I did feel a bit guilty for neglecting her. I had just gotten so caught up with my friends, and since other than Jen I haven’t had any other friends in so long I just got carried away.
“I think we can make that work.” She smiled at me and gave me another hug before she let me get finished gathering my things for spending the night at Jen’s and church tomorrow.
As soon as I walked into Jen’s house she was surprised with my hair and especially my earrings. Her and her Mom just went on and on about how nice I looked. After visiting with her Mom for a bit we finally went up to Jen’s room so I could put my stuff and way and talk privately. We spent most of the evening talking about my blossoming relationship with Paul, and what I was going to do on Monday about my hair and earrings. She did bring up my situation with Alicia and how I needed to talk with her. She said she had talked with her and how bad Alicia felt for how she reacted. Once we got those main conversations out of the way, it was just a normal night at the Cook’s house. Her Mom had gotten the stuff for me to make pizzas again, I think she was getting really getting addicted to my pies, either that or not having to cook when I came over. After dinner and some TV time with her family we returned to her room where we talked and giggled till we fell asleep.
I woke up to find Jen in her normal position, arms around my waist and legs completely tangled up in mine. I laid there smiling, just enjoying the closeness until her alarm started to go off. I gave her arm a squeeze to try to wake her up so I could get out of bed. All I received from her was a “Mmmph… Don’t get up you're so warm…” After a brief tug of war with my body parts, I finally untangled myself and headed to shower to start the day. We actually had settled into a routine in the past few weeks of me going to church with them and before long we were all loaded up with her parents on our way.
As soon as I walked into Sunday School Robin jumped up and gave me a hug. I probably held on to her a bit longer than I intended, it was just that I hadn’t spent any time with any of the girls at school other than Jen and I realized how much I had really missed her.
Breaking away from the hug, I greeted her and it didn’t take her but a few seconds to ask me about why I had cut my hair short. I then realized how much longer the wig was than my normal hair, I started to think up a lie really quick but just as quick I thought it would be better to tell her the truth… At least part of the truth.
“Well Robin… Umm, actually I didn’t get my hair cut short… I’ve been finally growing it out the past 6 months. It was in this really awkward stage and Jen suggested I wear a wig while it grew out.” I told her… Technically it was true and felt better than a flat out lie, but I still was tired of hiding.
“Why was your hair so short? Oh nooo, you weren’t sick or anything, were you?” She asked, instantly I could tell she was worried that I lost my hair…
“Oh wow, no I wasn’t sick or anything… I promise… I feel kind of odd saying this now, but I used to be an extreme tomboy… I had really short hair, I mean really short.” I tell her, feeling much better about my answers. Even though I’m leaving out the most important part, I refuse to tell a blatant lie again. I notice Jen is smiling, I can’t tell if she's happy with the way I’m answering or if she's trying to keep from laughing out loud.
Robin started laughing, “You a tomboy? I find that really hard to believe. I mean look at you.”
“I’m being serious Robin, honestly if you had of run into me a few months ago, you would have sworn that I was a boy.” I tell her, to which Jen did burst out laughing.
“Really she's telling you the truth. It’s only been in the past few months that she's finally sorta embraced that she's a girl.” Jen told her trying to stop her giggles.
Robin just stared at me for a moment in thought, “I find it hard to believe, but that would explain your hair, and especially your new earrings. I thought it was strange your ears weren't pierced.”
“Yeah... I got all this done yesterday, including my nails… My Mom seems to like having a daughter now and treated me to a girl’s day out.” I tell her laughing.
We spent the next few minutes just talking and giggling with each other until Sunday School started, and afterwards the three of us sat together in a pew away from our parents. While we did whisper with each other we didn’t get shushed but twice during the service, afterwards we kept visiting till Jen's parents rounded us up to go home.
I had only spent about an hour at Jen’s after church, there was a lot I needed to do to get ahead for the week. I was counting on seeing Paul as much as I could and spending time with Jen as well, so I wanted to get ahead on a lot of my schoolwork. I'd been plugging away at it for a couple of hours when Mom knocked on my bedroom door letting me know I had a visitor. I didn’t know of anyone that was supposed to drop by, suddenly I thought maybe Paul came home early and stopped to see me. Excitedly I put my schoolwork aside and jumped up almost running to the living room to see who it was. As soon as I got to the living room the first thing I saw was Mom’s worried face, confused I looked to the front door and who I saw immediately made me tense up. Standing there in my living room was none other than Alicia. She was standing there silently with a sad look on her face, and her eyes were red like she had been crying. I was still so upset at her, but I was also confused. Seeing her standing there obviously upset, my first instinct was to try to console her.
Softly I asked her, “What do you want Alicia? I thought you didn’t want to see or talk to me again.”
“Robbie… I mean Rebecca… I’m sorry… God I’m so sorry… I really didn’t mean what I said…Can we please talk… I need to talk to you, please!!!” She begged me, and promptly started sobbing. Even with being upset with her, it broke my heart to see her like this. I gently stepped up to her and put my hand on her shoulder, which brought her eyes to to look up at me.
I just nodded at her then looked over at Mom, “Okay if we go to my room for privacy?” Mom just nodded, letting me know it was okay.
No sooner did I close my door, she grabbed me in a hug and completely broke down crying so hard it made her whole-body shake. She was holding on to me so tightly I was afraid that she would keep me from being able to breathe. I just wrapped my arms around her and let her cry, when her sobbing started to ease up I directed her to sit on my bed and I sat next to her and clasped her hand in mine. She gave my hand a squeeze and tried to smile through her tears.
“Alicia, what is it? Why do you need to talk to me? I thought we had said enough…” I started to say, but bit my tongue.
“I needed to tell you just how sorry I was… and why… I mean I was so angry when you told me after the party.” She started to tell me. I immediately felt my anger start to rise.
“You know I noticed that Alicia, I think you made that pretty clear.” I snapped and tried to pull my hand out of hers, but she wouldn’t let go. Instantly from the hurt look she had I regretted it. “I’m sorry…I’m still not quite over that yet...”
“I don’t blame you Ro…Rebecca… I deserve you being angry at me.” She said with her voice sounding like she was going to cry again. She quickly composed herself and continued. “I was angry at you a little bit, but only a little bit. Most of it wasn't even about you, but I directed it all at you… You didn’t deserve that and the things… the things I said… were horrible and mean, and I’m… I wish I could go and take everything back, but I know I can’t…” She started to tear up again and put her forehead against my shoulder until it passed.
I grabbed a few Kleenex from the box by my bed and gently tried to dry her cheeks. “Alicia if you weren’t mad at me what were you mad about?" I asked really confused at this point.
“After that kiss… When I realized that it was really you…I mean yeah it hurt a bit, but mostly I was angry because… Because I wanted to keep kissing you…” She said finally looking into my eyes.
“What?!? Once you found out I was really a girl why would you want to keep kissing me?”, I asked completely dumbfounded.
“I don’t know why… I just do... I mean did…”, she stammered.
“Wait a sec... You do want to still kiss me? What's going on Alicia? Are you telling me you like girls?” I ask.
“No I don't… Well I never have before… Rebecca… The truth of it is… I still am attracted to you… I mean what does that make me?” She told be right before the waterworks started again and then it hit me why she was so angry…
I gently wrapped my arms around her and started rubbing her back, rocking her, and telling her everything was going to be okay. All that hurt and frustration that I had felt for her completely vanished, I could relate to what she was going through and I even felt a bit guilty for being upset at her.
“Alicia… I know what you’re going through I really do. It’s going to be okay.” I whisper to her. She eventually recovered enough to sit back and look at me.
“How do you know? I don’t even know what I am anymore... Am I straight? Or gay? Or Bi… I’m so confused…” She starts blurting out, I gently put my fingers on her lips getting her to stop.
“Remember you’re not the only girl who likes a girl… I know I went through that myself.” I softly tell her with a slight grin. Realization of what I just said dawns on her face.
“I’m such an idiot.” She laughed. It was good to see her laugh. “Of course, you would know…So you’re bi? Sorry Jen told me about your friend Paul.”
“You know what I don’t know how to label who I’m attracted to, but a pretty smart lady told me something in simple terms. You know what it makes you when you like someone who likes you back?” I asked. She shrugged not realizing the answer. I just smiled and tell her, “It simply just makes you human. It makes us human.” She smiled and gave me a soft hug.
“What smart lady told you that?” She asked, thankfully no longer looking like she was going to burst in tears.
I giggled softly, “My mom… Just don’t tell her I said that, I’d never hear the end of it.” She joined me in my laughter.
“Well she does seem to be a smart lady… So, can you forgive me for what I did? I don’t mean like now, but eventually? I care too much about you for you to stay mad at me...” She tells me.
“Alicia, no need to wait… Now that I understand… I’m not mad at you at all. No matter how upset I was, I still care for you too and I don’t want to see you hurt anymore okay?” I reassure her. Then something started to worry me, “Alicia… You said you still are attracted to me, right? Did you want us to start… umm…”
“Oh no!! I mean I wish we could.” She smiled before continuing, “I know you might have someone else and I’m still struggling with accepting everything for myself… Besides I don’t think I could handle telling my parents, or how they’d react... How would people at school treat me? Rebecca I’m not ready to face that, so I couldn’t try this no matter how much I want to.”
“I understand, and thanks for understanding about me and Paul… I mean I don’t know if it’s serious, as in a relationship or if just really good friends... I don’t want to risk losing whatever it is though… You do know that in a couple of months you might not want to associate with me anyway, I don’t know how the school will accept me let alone how my friends might be treated.” I tell her. I’ve already worried about what Jen will face, and if Alicia stays my friend what she too will have to deal with.
“Rebecca, stop it! I do care about you, and I won’t turn my back on you. To keep you in my life I’ll gladly stand by you okay, no matter what. I promise you.” She told me, with a forceful tone that wasn't to be argued with.
“Thank you… So, are we okay?” I ask, so very thankful the talk went as well as it did.
“Yes, I think we are.” She says softly, then with a giggle she adds, “If having another girl want to make out with you is okay, then we are.” I could help but laugh.
“I think that will be okay, if you can handle the same.” I grin back at her.
She stares deep into my eyes for a brief moment before she leans over and gives me a soft kiss right on the lips. It wasn’t forceful, or even passionate, just a soft gentle kiss that lasted for several seconds. When she broke the kiss, she leaned her forehead against mine and softy sighed, “Why couldn’t you have been a real guy, this would have been so much easier.”
If she only knew just how many times I’d asked myself that exact same question.
To Be Continued...
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Author's Note:I was able to get this one finished fairly quickly, its amazing how much time I've had to write. Maybe staying home the last day and a half with a broken toe had something to do with it, HA! I do want to warn you though, this chapter deals with the backstory of one of the main characters. Its really dark, maybe darker than I originally intended, but I felt it important in showing why she is the way she is. Hope you all enjoy. ~Rebecca
That Monday morning I found myself staring in the mirror, I had already showered gotten my vest on and dressed. I was standing there with my glasses on, staring at that girl in the mirror. Her longish blonde hair and earrings made a stark contrast to the glasses and polo shirt, she didn’t even look like a girl trying to be a guy anymore, just a sort of hot nerdy looking girl. I was worried, in a way, about what people would think, but not actually scared anymore. I was still deep in thought when my Mom came in to check on me.
“Mom I think I jumped the gun on my hair and everything, maybe I should have waited a few more weeks. I can’t find a way to do anything that doesn’t make my hair still scream girl”, I tell her.
“I thought about that after you left to go to Jen’s I think I have something that will help a bit.” She tells me. Then she brings her hand and what she was holding from around her back, she hands me this black and gold wool watch cap. Turning it over in my hand I see the embroidered Yellow Jacket on it, it’s one of my school’s caps. She tells me, “I went to The Lodge last night and picked that one up, and a couple of others. Figured it was cold enough they wouldn’t say anything about you wearing it.”
I grinned, brushed my hair back and slipped the cap on, there was still blonde hair sticking out and you could even see the highlights but it was a bit better. “Thanks Mom, guess this will have to do.” Taking one last glance at the mirror, I still couldn’t see any trace of the boy I once thought I was. Shrugging my shoulders, I headed to eat breakfast with my parents to get a start to my day.
Once I got to school, I did find Alicia waiting at my locker before class. When she saw how I was trying to hide Rebecca, she gave me a soft smile and then a hug.
“I just wanted to see you this morning, are we still okay?” She asked.
“Yeah of course we are, you have no idea how relieved I am that we got all that out in the open. You’re still one of my best friends and I never stopped caring about you, okay?” I tell her, noticing her still smiling at my attire I add, “I think I got carried away with my hair and stuff, this is the best I could do.”
“You look fine, honestly you do.” She smirked as she said it so I just rolled my eyes. “You are coming back to eat with us, right? The girls have been wondering why you haven't been back, and I never told them anything. I’d really like to see you there.” I just nodded and gave her another hug before heading to AP Biology.
I did notice a few people giving me questioning looks as I walked to class, I did my best to ignore them though. I could feel my anxiety starting to build, what the hell was I thinking this weekend. I did get a grin from Jen when I took my seat, actually it was more than a grin she was fighting to keep from laughing.
“You know your disguise is starting to fail, but you do look cute… In a nerdy kind of way.” She giggled.
“I know, I know… Just three and a half more weeks is all I’ve got to hold it together.” I say. Thankfully with my grades I’ve been exempted from most of my mid-term exams, except my AP courses of course. My AP exams were why I had the half a week left.
I made it to lunch period and so far, no one had said anything to me, but I have noticed a few odd looks mostly from other girls. Most people had been ignoring me for years and it was like they knew something was different, but weren't familiar enough with me to place what it was. When I made it to the lunch table with my tray of food I saw everyone was already there. Alicia jumped over to make a spot for me between her and Jen, she gave me a quick hug and kiss on the cheek.
Obviously noticing Alicia’s display, Holly said, “Well it’s about time you two made up, now would you tell me what happened? She hasn’t said anything.”
I looked thankfully at Alicia for a moment, then told Holly, “I’d like to keep it between us if that’s okay, it was mostly just bad miscommunication… It was my fault...” I added.
Alicia corrected me, “No it was both of us, we were both at fault.”
Karen told me, “Well we missed you, ya know just because you two had a fight didn’t mean you had to ditch all of us.”
“Yeah… I’m sorry about that… It was just that, well she was friends with y’all first… I wanted to give her some space… She needed her friends… So I just, well… You saw…” I managed to get out. The girls at the table got really quiet for a moment thinking about what I said.
Finally, it was Holly that spoke, “You really are a good guy Robbie, I doubt any of these other ‘boys’ would have done that for her…” She then gave me a look of admiration, which suddenly turned into surprise. “Holy Shit!!! You got your ears pierced!! She exclaimed loud enough for at least a quarter of the cafeteria to hear.
“Geez Holly! Could you have said it any louder?” I blurted out. I can see people around me looking over at the table. I really started regretting getting everything done on Saturday right at this moment, then I looked directly across the table from and saw how Robin was staring at me. While yes, she had a look of shock on her face like the others, there was also obviously a look of realization. I just stared back at her and watched her eyes bounce from my ears, to the hair stuck out from under my cap, to finally my hands which were still sporting clear manicured polish. I should have been terrified that she had found out, but I was oddly calm. When her eyes met mine again I just leaned over and whispered to her, “See… I told you that you would have thought I was a boy.”
The girls were asking a bunch of questions, which I honestly wasn’t paying attention. Thankfully Jen saw the exchange between me and Robin and started answering the questions for me. Robin had placed her hand over her mouth in disbelief and shook her head. Figuring since the cat was out of the bag, I gave her a sad smile, pulled my glasses off and started cleaning them with my shirt. I then looked back to Robin and raised my perfectly shaped feminine eyebrows as if to go “SEE!” Her eyes opened really wide as she looked down at her plate, so I put my glasses back on and rejoined the conversation.
Over the next five minutes the girls kept on asking me why I not only got both my ears pierced, but two in each ear? They then noticed my hair that was sticking out was lighter than my hair normally was. They begged me to take my cap off so they could see my hair, but I just said it didn’t turn out like I had expected and I wasn’t ready to let anyone see. The whole time Robin never once looked back at me and sat there staring at her hands in thought. Even when I got up to leave and said my farewells she never acknowledged me. As I was headed out Alicia caught up with me and asked, “What was all that about with Robin?”
I just smiled calmly and told her, “Robin saw me yesterday at church… She knows now, she just figured it out…”
“Oh no, I need to talk to her before she can…”, She started to say before I cut her off.
“It’s okay Alicia, if she asks you about me go ahead and tell her. If she tells people that’s fine with me, I’m sick of hiding.” I tell her. She gives me a very worried look, I just grab her in a quick hug and light kiss on the cheek and tell her I’ll see her in last period.
Thanks to Holly’s announcement at lunch I definitely took a lot of heckling about my ears being pierced. Thankfully nobody paid enough attention to notice my shiny clear nails, or my lightened hair. I did my best to ignore it, or even laugh with them as they tried to poke fun at me. That always throws people off when you start making jokes about yourself before they can, it was a trick I had learned a few years ago. It made the rest of the day that much slower to pass by. Thankfully, my teachers appeared to be oblivious to my changes, at least until I got to health class. Ms. Mason kept giving me odd stares most of the way through class, I was hoping she couldn't place my changes but honestly who knew. I started counting the seconds just to keep distracted until the bell rang.
When class started out, Jen and Alicia both stuck right by my side. I could tell they were both worried, and while I appreciated it there wasn’t anything they could do. Or so I thought. I was really distracted and I had gotten fairly careless about my surroundings since my altercation with the football players a few months ago. I never saw the Chris’ coming until it was too late. Suddenly I got shoved into one of the lockers, while the bigger of the two, Chris Jenkins, held me in place.
“Well well, if it isn't the little faggot with the dainty earrings.” Chris Jacobs sneer at me.
While I was really strong and muscular from my exercising, Jenkins was much stronger and heavier than my 148 lbs. There wasn’t anywhere I could go pinned as I was.
Jenkins just laughed and his hot breath almost made me gag. Noticing the face I made from the stench of his breath he yelled out, “Hey look the little queer is going to cry!”
“Fuck you both, why don’t you let me up and fight me fair and square you fucking cowards!!” I yelled back, I was so pissed. Looking dead into the eyes of Jenkins, I say as venomously as I can, “Dumbass since you’re so good at holding things for him, I bet he even has you hold his dick when he pisses!!” I knew what was coming because I knew how they were going to fight. Jenkins would use his strength to hold me down while Jacobs would pummel me while I was helpless. I was so angry right now I didn’t care how bad they beat me, I wasn’t going to cower anymore.
“Hey look!! Bitch boy finally grew a pair!!” Jenkins said, his laughing started turning to a sneer. I got him pissed, I got to him… The beating would be worth it. As I saw Jacobs come at me, Jenkins started to draw his fist back, I got him angry enough he wanted to hit me first so he let go of my arm to do so. While he had my shoulder pinned against the locker, I used my free hand to drive my thumb into his solar plexus hard enough I tried to touch his spine. As he doubled over I turned and tried to brace myself for the impact I was sure Jacobs was about to hit me with, he was close enough he should have hit me already. I looked real quick to see Perk, the giant lineman, holding him by the back of his neck with one hand and lifting him up enough he was barely touching the floor with his toes.
“Don’t you think two against one is a bit unfair? I think it’s unfair, let’s just say it’s unfair.” The big guy said to him jokingly. “You do know this little dude is a lot more bad ass than he looks. Well since your buddy is trying to catch his breath, it looks like it’s a fair fight again so looks like it’s your turn now.” The big guy easily sets the asshole back on the ground and lets go of him, I can see the wheels turning in Chris’ head. He glanced at his friend and back at me, who was ready to go 9, make that 19 rounds with him.
“I think we’re cool” Chris said as he bent down to help his larger friend to his feet.
I should have shut up, but I was still so angry so I blurted out, “Like I said a fucking coward!! Both of them!!” Perk gave me a look saying to shut the hell up dude. I sorta wince slightly and just shrugged my shoulders as if to say, oops.
The two bullies had started to walk away, they got just far enough out of reach before Jacobs yelled out, “Well at least we aren't a fucking fairy with earrings you faggot!!!” I bristled at that and was about to run after them until I felt a very large hand on my shoulder.
“Dude it’s over.” Perk said looking at me worriedly. “You have a death wish or something?”
Trying to calm down I took a few deep breaths and looked up at the big guy. I’m actually pretty tall at 5’11 but still looking up at this big guy is frightening. “I’m good” I finally say. “They just pissed me off is all. I’m okay.” I start breathing easier when he removes that giant paw off my shoulder.
I then see him looking at my face, then he said, “Well you'd have to expect them two to mess with you. Dude why’d you get both your ears pierced? Twice?” He looked confused then asked a bit more softly, as if his voice didn’t carry like he was whispering into a megaphone. “I know if you get one side pierced or the other it means you’re straight or gay.. What is this supposed to say.”
Against my better judgemen,t I started getting mad at Perk, which I knew was stupid. “It doesn’t mean a damn thing other than I wanted to get my ears pierced!! Why the hell does everything have to mean something?!” I exclaim. Which strangely causes the big guy to back off just a step.
“Hey I didn’t mean anything by it, I was just wondering since you’ve been to my house tutoring me if you were… well…” He started stammering. I knew he was trying to ask if I was gay, but it wasn’t from anger he was actually worried. What he was worried about I couldn’t decide because Alicia interrupted us both before I could figure it out.
“Perk trust me, what he is, is the last thing you are thinking right now.” She said loudly, I looked at her trying to figure out what she was up to but before I could do or say anything she stepped right up to me and wrapped her arms around me and kissed me with everything she had. She pulled back and winked at me, and whispered “Kiss me back dummy, trust me.” Then leaned in again so I did the best I could do.
After several long moments, and my heart was about to burst out of my chest she let go smiling seductively at me and look around at the shocked expressions of the crowd around us. She immediately started giggling. That’s when Jen stepped in.
“Ok you two, now that the show is over can we all go?” Jen said impatiently. Alicia and I both nodded as I grabbed my backpack. When we started to walk away from the crowd, Alicia wrapped one arm in mine and just waved to everyone as we walked out the building. It was the most people and at the same time the quietest that I’ve ever seen the halls before. Not knowing what had just happened I walked out arm in arm with Alicia and Jen clasping my other hand in a daze.
I started to come to my senses when we got into the parking lot, “Alicia why in the hell did you do that?”
“Rebecca, don’t you realize that now your pierced ears are the last thing people are going to talk about”, she said softly, but with a mischievous grin.
“Yeah but don’t you realize what is going to happen once everyone finds out the truth about me by New Years? They are going to start in on you, and you too Jen, just for being friends with me.” I plead with them.
“Shut up!” Jen blurts out. “You’re our friend and we’re not going to abandon you okay!” Alicia just nodded smugly.
“Okay okay, I’m sorry. I’m just worried about y'all okay… I don’t want you to get hurt, being friends with me.” I mutter. They both stop walking forcing me to stop as well, then they both crush me in a hug from both sides while both of them smothering my cheeks in kisses. When they let me go they were both giggling.
Much more seriously they look at me and Alicia says softly, “Well we're worried about you and we're going to be there no matter what. You’re not going to get rid of us.” We are close to where my car is parked, when I look up I see Robin leaning against my VW.
She looks upset, but also confused. When we get close enough she says, “Robbie we need to talk, or should I call you Rebecca now?” I looked around and didn’t see anyone around and I sighed.
“Rebecca is fine, since there really isn't anything left of Robbie anymore…” I say softly. I can feel both Jen and Alicia squeeze my hands trying to give me strength.
“You knew already Alicia? I assume this was what your fallout was about wasn't it?”
“Yeah I found out after the Halloween Party… I blew up really bad, but it wasn’t her fault… She told me before we could only be friends, and I pushed her too hard and she finally told me to keep me from falling any further.” She told Robin.
“You fell for her? What the… What the hell is going on? Who are you really?” She asks me directly. She’s not mad at me, I can tell that at least… She looks like she's just really confused.
“Look this conversation is going to take a lot more privacy than this parking lot offers. Jen, could we go over to your house? I need to change anyway.” I ask.
“Yeah we can do that… I’ll call Mom at work when we get there and let her know we’re there. She’ll be okay with it. You both can call your parents to let them know where you're at and she can drive you home when were done.” Both girls agreed to that, Robin still staring at me though with that odd expression.
“Why do you need to change? I'd rather you tell me what's going on first.” Robin told me.
“You’ll see, and actually I NEED to change Robin… I’ll explain when we get there. Jen, you and Robin will have to sit in the back, there isn’t much room and you two are the smallest.” I sigh.
It took a few minutes to get them situated in what was supposed to be a back seat, and we started towards Jen’s house. On the way, Alicia kept her hand on mine trying to calm me while I drove. I told Jen to go ahead and start filling Robin in on the basics so I hear her talking behind me. I keep thinking I should be afraid, I should be worried. I guess I was just resigned that this was going to happen more and more frequently so it just needed to be done.
By the time we got untangled out of the car and into the house everyone made their required phone calls, including mine to let Paul know I won’t make our run. Then I figured we might as well as keep talking while I change. I hoped that it would help with the explanation. “Why don’t we all go up to Jen’s room, that way we can keep talking while I change.”
Robin started to frown, but quickly Alicia told her, “It’s okay Robin, you need to see her anyway. Even though it still shocked me, it made me realize and understand she’s really Rebecca…” Hesitantly she did follow us up the stairs at least.
The first thing I did was pull off my glasses and cap, that damn thing had made my head itch something fierce. As I was brushing out my hair to something that appeared someone civil, Robin just stared intently. Once my hair was brushed out and my contacts in I hesitated for a moment, then asked her, “Are you ready for this?” She barely gave me a perceptible nod. I had already dug out of my change of clothes, so I stripped off my Polo shirt and then the vest. I felt my breasts bounce once they were released from their spandex confinement, almost as if they were jumping for joy.
“Oh my god… They are real…” Was all Robin got out, honestly it made me giggle softly.
“Yeah trust me they are, I’ve been hiding them for several years…”, I tell her softly, then deftly hook my bra and get the girls settled in the cups which were starting to get tight. Then taking a deep breath I strip off my shoes and socks and then my jeans follow…I was just standing there in front of Robin in just my bra and panties and she appeared to be in shock. Softly I tell her, “See I AM Rebecca, there is nothing left of Robbie anymore… My body made sure of that. I never asked for this to happen, but this is what I was given… I’m just trying to make the best of it that I can…” I’m glad I haven’t put on any makeup, making that statement caused my emotions to get the best of me again. I just stood there in my underwear as the tears started to flow, Jen and Alicia both started to get up, but Robin beat them both to me.
“Rebecca… It’s okay…”, She said, she only hesitated for a brief second before she gave me a hug, one I readily accepted and returned. Thankfully it wasn’t a very intense cry, it took me less than half a minute to compose myself. I backed up from her wiping my eyes.
“I’m sorry about that, it happens a lot…” I tell her with a small chuckle. “So, you’re not upset with me for lying to you this whole time?” I noticed Alicia winced slightly at that, but Jen noticed it to and put an arm around her.
“Upset? No… I… um… I can still sense it’s you, you know? I know you’re still the same person.” She tells me softly.
Alicia snorts, “Just be glad you didn’t have to kiss her to make sure she was who she said she was… Then again she's a pretty damn good kisser…” She immediate blushes when she realized what she said. Jen and I both started laughing.
“You kissed her?!? Once she told you she was a girl?” Robin exclaimed, with a humorous expression on her face.
Laughing, Jen managed to say, “Boy did she… While she was dressed pretty much the same as she is now…” Which made us both blush even brighter.
“Well it seemed like a good idea at the time… I mean I thought you were pulling my leg big time… Nobody kissed me like Robbie did… Well now I guess except for Rebecca…” She laughed, and gave me a slight wink.
Jen and Alicia start telling Robin about that night, minus some of the heated parts. I was glad they were mostly ignoring me so I could finish getting dressed and lightly put on some makeup. For the next hour, we talked about my situation and even laughed about some of my experiences. She did kid Alicia some for kissing me several times, even more so when she found out that she kissed me twice after finding out the truth. I was amazed at how readily Robin accepted me, especially how difficult it had been for her to accept me as Robbie. When we said our goodbyes, it was a four-way group hug amongst a lot of laughter.
I ended up dropping Alicia off first, I even walked her to her door which she gave me a hard time about me being so butch. She did give me one of those soft gently kisses right on the lips like she did when we made up. Like last night, it didn’t feel passionate, and it didn't take my breathe away, it was just a mutual appreciation. Robin of course gave me a hard time and quizzed me about what was going on between Alicia and me. I told her the truth, I didn’t know but I’ve repeatedly told her we could only be friends and Alicia agreed with me.
When I pulled into her driveway, the house was dark and looked like nobody was home yet. I shut the car off and looked at Robin and asked her, “What did you mean that you could sense that I was still Robbie? Why did you accept me this way so easily when you gave me such a hard time at first when you thought I was a guy?” I saw her visibly get a look of pain with that question, so I added, “Look it’s okay, you don’t have to answer that.”
She smiled through her pained expression and said softly, “See… That’s why I could feel that you’re…well you.” She took several deep breaths to steady herself and continued, “I have some things in my past… Some really bad things that happened to me… I have a hard time trusting anyone, that’s why it was difficult at first when you started coming around. As much as I love Alicia, Jen, Holly, and Karen… I’ve never trusted them enough to tell them this, so I need you to promise me you want tell a soul okay?”
I could tell whatever it was that had happened was really horrible, and I didn’t want to force her to tell me what happened. I also knew from firsthand experience that holding everything in was extremely not healthy, if she wanted to talk to me I’d listen. “I promise Robin, I won’t ever tell a soul. You can trust me.”
She smiled a very genuine smile at me and simply said, “I know I can, that’s why I offered to tell you. I want you to know why I was hard on you, because trust me it wasn't you. Let’s go inside where its roomier than this old car of yours.”
Once inside her house, she prepared us some drinks and then sat on the couch in the living room. I could tell she was anxious, and I tried to be as calm and reassuring as possible. She scooted up next to me sitting sideways on the couch facing me, so I did likewise. She smiled at me for a moment, and grabbed one of my hands in hers and gave it a soft squeeze.
“I’m still in awe that this is you, it’s pretty amazing. You know Jen and Alicia told me how close you had come to… um… giving up, I’m so glad that you didn’t. I assume that when Jen started bringing you around was when you were finally starting to accept what had happened?”
“Yeah, it was shortly after I had gone past my breaking point. If it hadn’t been for Jen being her normal pain in my ass.”, I laughed softly before getting serious again, “I really don’t think I'd be here now.” My eyes misted up slightly thinking about how bad off I had been, but I blinked them to try to clear the extra moisture away. Robin just gave my hand a soft squeeze again.
“I hate that you felt like that… I wish we had known and could have helped you sooner… I’ve known you for a while and you had always been this really troubled guy, err person. I’ve been hiding things that happened to me for a long time now. I kept thinking if I ignored it long enough it would go away…” She told me, her voice starting to crack half way through.
“It never does though, I learned that the hard way… Of course, my body was a constant reminder of what was wrong with me… Hiding everything though was my problem Robin, if I thought for a second I could have found any bit of happiness like this I would have quit hiding everything.” I tell her. I could tell now, the way the conversation was going that neither of us would make it through without breaking down.
“I could see that flicker of hope in you, that hope of happiness, when you started coming to our table. You weren’t that gloomy depressed person that I was so used to seeing, and while part of me was happy for you… The other part was jealous, and resentful… I’m sorry for that.” She tells me, while a single tear breaks free and rolls down her cheek.
I softly wipe her cheek and tell her, “Hey it’s okay, I don’t blame you… If you only knew how angry I would get at anyone and everyone that seemed to be happy… I mean if I couldn’t get to experience that, why should they? So, is that the reason you were so hesitant with me?”
“Maybe a bit of it, but no… That wasn’t the reason. Like I said, I find it really hard to trust people, anyone… That is why I was so distant… I’m sorry, so sorry for that… Then that night at Jen's where we were studying and you made those pizzas… You’re going to have to make me another one soon by the way.” She giggled before returning to a more serious expression, “I saw how you were helping us, anyone one of us that asked for help, and then you spent all that time in the kitchen to feed us. The way you had made the list to make sure you could make each one of us exactly what we wanted… You weren't flirting or trying to hit on anyone, you were just being a nice guy… err person… sorry.”
I laughed at that, “It’s okay… Up here in my head I think I was still mostly guy then so it’s okay.”
“No, you weren't, you might have still been mostly Robbie up there but you weren't a guy. At least any guy I’ve ever known. You had this way about you, a gentleness about you, you genuinely care for others, something about YOU gave off this aura or something that made me feel that I could trust you. The more I got to know you as Robbie, and now as Rebecca, that feeling is more intense than ever.” She said with an apologetic look. She took a few deep breaths and a very intense expression formed on her face when she resumed talking, “You know I live with my aunt right? If not, I do and I’ve lived with her since I was twelve… When I was little, I think I was six or seven, I lived with my parents…” She paused anguish sweeping across her face as she tried to choke back her tears.
“Hey Robin… It’s okay, if you don’t want to tell me it’s okay… You don’t have to do this if you’re not ready.” I say trying to console her. The pain I saw in her face made my heart actually hurt for her.
She wiped her tears and cleared her throat and tried to smile at me through whatever it was she was dealing with. She then said, “I do want to… I NEED to tell someone… I’m sorry I feel the need to tell you, if you don’t want to hear I’ll understand.”
I quickly reassured her that I was willing to listen to anything she had to say. I reminded her that she had said she would be here for me, and how that went vice versa. The next half hour as she poured out her story to me, it broke my heart, it made me furious, all these emotions that flowed through me the most important, was the concern for my friend… She then described to me how a friend of her parents, a guy that was a close enough friend she called him “Uncle”, had starting abusing and raping her when she was little. How he had abused that trust and made her feel that it was her fault and she was afraid her parents would be mad at her… How the bastard kept it up for years, until she finally broke down and told her parents when she was eleven… Then how her parents didn’t believe how their great friend could do that, and according to him, Robin was just upset because he had turned her down and that she was infatuated with him… This continued until right before she turned twelve and called her aunt, her mother’s sister, right after one of the nights of abuse. She had snuck out of the house, while her “uncle” was supposed to be watching her and her Aunt met her and then took her to the hospital. Her abuser ended up being sent to Parchment, the penitentiary, where he was murdered less than a year in. Her Aunt won custody of her because of the neglect of her parents. While they didn’t get accused of any other crime than being stupid, Robin hasn’t talked to them since that last night when they left HIM alone with her.
It probably took her almost an hour to get through her story, and she broke down badly several times. Her Aunt came home shortly after she started talking, but Robin told her what was going on and if she minded giving us some privacy while she finished. I felt so much sorrow for what she had endured, she even paused a few times because I broke down too and just hugged her. When she finally got finished we were both just holding each other in mutual tears for a long while.
Once we had some control over our emotions again she looked at me and said, “That is why I can’t trust people, and it’s not just men from what that bastard did, but because how my parents treat me, I can’t bring myself to trust anyone… Then I met you… I’m sorry I told you this, but I needed you to know… I wanted you to know so you wouldn’t have any doubt that I will stand by you. You’re the first person I’ve trusted in so long, I’m not going to throw that away. EVER!”
We, well I mostly, resumed our crying, holding, and supporting each other for a little bit before we were able to compose ourselves. She then went and got her Aunt to introduce me to her. Robin gave her a quick, and I mean a very quick, rundown of my situation and just said they’ll talk about that later, and how she said it made it to say there wasn’t any argument allowed about it. We all ended up talking, while her Aunt made a quick salad for supper, till almost 9PM.
While we went outside as I was about to get in my car, I looked at her and gave her a hug. Softly I whispered, “Thank you for that.”
“Why are you thanking me for telling you all that?!?” She asked.
“Not for what you said, but for trusting me enough to say it… You won’t regret it okay, I promise.” I tell her.
She gave me another hug and soft kiss on my cheek, when she stepped back she put her hand over my heart and told me, “I know I won’t regret it, I just know it.”
With that we said our good nights, and I climbed into my little car to drive home. One the way I started thinking about the gift that she had given me, yes it was a horrific story and one that would bother me for a while. It was that trust, that ability to open up to me because she trusted me. That same trust that I had for Jen… Remembering that moment, how she must have felt something similar to what I was feeling right now made me tear up again. I honestly hadn’t thought that I had any tears left by this point.
I truly felt honored by that gift of trust that Robin gave me, and I was damned sure that I was going to be the kind of friend that deserved it.
To Be Continued...
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Author's Note:I managed to have plenty of time still to keep writing so was able to finish this one sooner than normal. I might have to take a break, I'm riding my muse pretty hard this last week. I do wish to express my thanks for those reading, and I hope I am continuing to write something thats worth taking the time to read. Hope you all enjoy. ~Rebecca
Needless to say I didn’t sleep well that night, my mind kept playing over and over the horrors that had happened to Robin. I was trying to get ready this morning and I couldn't stop yawning. Thankfully, my parents didn’t notice or if they did they didn't ask anything.
I did perk up a bit once I got to school, the last thing I wanted was a repeat of the altercation with the two idiots so I kept alert on the way to class. I was still kicking myself for letting my guard down like I had this last month, now that those two would be after revenge I needed to be on high alert.
Alicia was right though, the conversations and stares I received had nothing to do with my earrings or my hair, it was either about the fight or that kiss she gave me. Jen gave me a hard enough time about it before Biology, but I wouldn’t expect anything less from her. Other than a few people questioning, or congratulating me, for the fight, kiss, or both, my morning was pretty calm. I wasn’t used to this kind of attention and it did put me on edge just a bit, but considering my very near future I figured I better get used to it and be thankful that for the moment the attention was positive.
When I arrived in the cafeteria I was greeted with a hug and kiss on the cheek from both Alicia and Robin this time, all the while Jen was rolling her eyes and smirking at me. I just chuckled and gave her a hug and kiss on the cheek against her wishes as I sat down next to her.
Wiping her cheek, she exclaimed, “YUCK!!! Now why did you have to go and get Alicia germs all over me!!” That quickly got her arm slapped by Alicia as the whole table burst out laughing. Alicia glared at her, then stuck her tongue out at her as she said down. I glanced over at Robin who was carefully wiping tears out of her eyes from laughing so hard. I couldn’t help but admire how strong she had been, when she saw me looking at her, she smiled softly at me and I readily returned one of my own.
Holly had been watching our exchange and asked, “So what the hell is going on with you four?” For a few brief seconds the four of us probably had the proverbial kid caught with their hands in the cookie jar expression. It was Alicia that recovered the quickest.
“Oh nothing, you guys missed it yesterday. Robbie was awesome.” She said smirking.
Robin said, “Yeah he was…” Then she must have realized she said it out loud, because she gave me an oops expression and smiled. Jen and Alicia looked at her confused after all she didn’t witness the fight or the kiss, and they were unaware of the conversation her and I had that night.
Holly looked directly at Alicia smirking, “So I heard… Were you talking about the fight or that kiss you shared?” Alicia blushed slightly and giggled.
“Both” Alicia said. Now I started blushing and Jen was just practicing her eye rolls again. If they ever made eye rolling an Olympic sport I could see Jen getting the gold.
The table burst into laughter, and lunch was much more lighthearted than I had ever witnessed. I did spend a bit of time looking at my friends sitting at the table. Three of the six girls knew about me, and while things were beyond bumpy at first with Alicia, they supported me no matter what. So far I figured I was batting .500 which was better than I could have ever imagined, now I just had to wait and see how the other three were going to handle it.
We were getting up to leave and Robin came up and gave me a hug, she softly thanked me again and squeezed me tight. Jen was watching us as if she was trying to figure out what was going on with us. I didn’t blame her for wondering, this behavior was not the Robin they had known or seen before. I thought maybe I should talk to Robin, and hopefully let her know she could trust Jen and Alicia, after all they are protective of me and I was sure they would do the same for her.
Suddenly I was drawn out of my thoughts when Alicia blindsided Jen with a huge hug and a sloppy kiss on the cheek. Jen's reaction was an immediate, “YUCK, what the hell are you doing?!?! What's wrong with you!!!”
Alicia backed up laughing her ass off, in between breaths she barely got out, “Figured you didn’t want my germs second hand!” Jen looked pissed as she was rubbing the remnants of the kiss off her cheek, she tried to keep from starting to laugh. Only those close enough to her heard her utter, “bitch” before we all died laughing, even Jen. It was one of the best lunch periods I had ever had up to this point, we were still chuckling as we headed to class.
I'd love to say the rest of the week was as exciting as the first two days, but it was pretty mundane. With finals coming up I did get to spend time with Paul, just not near as much as I wanted. I only saw him on our runs, and walking during our cool down periods. He understood as he was preparing for finals as well, I did get several really good kisses from him though and that inner voice was keeping it’s mouth shut.
I did start seeing a huge change in Alicia, she was becoming more, vibrant for a lack of a better word. She was laughing more, and while she had been fun to be around she had always had this seriousness about her. Now she had this smile and this energy about her, at times it surprised me that she didn’t actually glow. She was becoming more and more fun to be around, even if she kept being flirty with me in front of everyone. I kept telling her to stop and think about what is going to happen when everyone finds out. She simply told me that if they tease her for being friends with the most amazing person she knew then they could all go to Hell, she didn't care. I was so worried about it, but at the same time overwhelmed that she’d do that for me.
Robin had also started to change, while it wasn’t as much as Alicia, she had become a bit less reserved. Jen had noticed it a bit, and even commented to me about it. I had told her that we had a really long talk after that night at Jen's house and she had opened up some. Jen knew I was holding something back, and maybe slightly miffed at me that I wouldn’t give her details, at least she said she was glad she had opened up with me. Jen also told me that she thought that I really did bring the best out in people. She also threatened to deny everything if I told anyone what she said in typical Jen fashion.
Most of my free time, when not with Paul, was spent mostly with Jen, Alicia, and Robin studying. I was becoming so comfortable being Rebecca around them, I should have seen that I was also changing. Especially when I was trying to be Robbie in school. I was actually surprised when my health teacher Coach Mason, who had been giving me strange looks since I came back to school with my hair dyed and ears pierced, obviously noticed and called me on it on Friday.
Just a few minutes before the bell was going to ring, signaling the start of the weekend, was when I knew she knew… I was already loading up my backpack when she yelled out, “Robbie I need to see you after class.”
At that moment, even though I had tried to ignore the stares and act normal, I knew. What else could I do though, “Yes Coach.” I told her. Jen looked at me trying to figure out what's going on so I tell her, “I’m pretty sure she knows something is up with me. It can’t be my grades, and I don’t misbehave in class so what else could It be?” I shrugged.
When the bell sounded I went up to her desk and waited, she just told me to wait for everyone to leave and we’d talk. I looked at Jen and saw her stop Alicia at the door and whisper in her ear. They sat there whispering back and forth as everyone was leaving. Finally it was just us four in the classroom.
“Ladies you need to go, this is between Robbie and myself.” Coach told them. They looked at each other and nodded, then Alicia turned and closed the door.
Jen then looked at Coach and told her, “Sorry but we’re not going to leave his side.”
Coach started to look upset but before she could say anything I stopped her and said, “Coach if you were going to talk to me about what I think you are, about something personal with me… They know everything already, I trust them. They’re my best friends, It's okay. It’s like they’ve decided to become my personal bodyguards.” I laughed at the last comment I made but, I softly heard Alicia mutter ‘damn right’.
Coach watched them as they both walked up and stood on either side of me. “Robbie this is quite unusual, I was only wanting to make sure you were okay. You’re a great student, and a great kid. I wish had more with your drive and demeanor, but I’ve noticed that you’ve umm… changed some in the last few months.. Particularly in the last week… I try to keep a lookout for students who are… facing unique circumstances... It’s just… I’m worried about you, that due to… certain misconceptions people might have, that you might become a target for some people.”
While Coach was trying to tiptoe around the conversation, I had a feeling that she would have been more direct if the girls weren't guarding me. I ask her, “You think I’m gay right? That’s what you were going to ask me, right?”
“No that’s not what I’m saying… exactly..” She started to say before Jen broke in.
“Robbie's not gay, if that’s what you’re thinking. Coach, look… I know you know the rumors about you being a lesbian, well most of the class doesn't give a shit. None of us here do at least, just say what you mean, we’re not going to turn you in or anything. That actually makes you one of the more interesting teachers we have.” She stated with her arms crossed in front of her.
Shocked at her directness Coach just looked at her really hard for a moment before her face softened some. She then looked at me and said, “Look Robbie yes I’m asking if you are gay, lately your mannerisms have been growing more and more.. Umm... out there. I noticed, and I’m sure others are noticing, and I’m worried about you.” Then she looked at Jen and stated, “You know you’re pretty bold Miss Cook… For that I ought to work you pretty hard in Gym on Monday.. I won’t though… I’m glad to see that Robbie has a strong support system in place.”
"Coach… I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’m not gay… Or at least what you are worried about, that’s not it…” I tell her.
"Robbie I'm just worried because this is Mississippi, its a dangerous place for people who are Gay...I’m sorry I asked that… I thought you were though and I was worried because someone might target you.”Coach told me more softly. “I just don’t want to see any of students get hurt, especially if they are facing challenges like that already.”
“Trust me Coach between Jen and myself, nobody's going to lay a finger on her!” Alicia exclaimed. Hearing the pronoun she used my head immediately bowed down to avert my gaze from Coach’s.
“Her?” Was all Coach uttered.
“I meant HIM, crap I meant Him!!!” Alicia exclaimed. She looked at me apologetically, and I could tell she was angry at herself. I just smiled at her and sighed…
“Okay Coach… Look, I’m not gay… Or I don’t think I am… Actually I have no clue what I am in that aspect. Do you mind if we lock the door?” I say. She was obviously confused but nods her head. “Thanks I just don’t someone coming in and seeing this just yet, Jen can you lock it.”
Alicia looks like she's about to burst in tears, “I’m so sorry I didn’t mean…” I just grabbed her in a hug and said it was okay and reassured her I wasn’t upset.
Once Jen was back over to me I looked at Coach and just asked, “Ready?” To which she nodded, I then bent over, stripped my cap off, shook my hair out, and then I took my glasses off as I stood. I immediately relaxed my throat to talk in my normal range and exclaimed, “Tada!!! This is me!!”
"What the?!?! You look just like a girl!”, Coach exclaimed.
“I know I do Coach. That’s why the glasses and the cap I’m wearing… I’m trying to hide my changes until…” I try to say but she interrupts me.
“Are you transitioning? Here?? And you parents are okay with it?” She exclaimed, at first I thought she was mad but clearly she was now very concerned about me.
“NO!!! Let me explain! Geez…” I said to get her attention, once I saw I had it I continued, “Coach I’m not transgender, at least in the normal aspect I guess… Ugh… Remember that talk you got drug into a few months ago when we were coving the women's reproductive system? You mentioned people who were intersexed…”
“Yeah I remember that… Wait… That was right about the same time I noticed you starting to change…” She said. I just nodded, remembering what happened directly after that conversation. “What you’re telling me you’re intersexed?”
“Yes ma’am. I was born externally a boy… Then when I was around 12 I started growing breasts and developing as a girl. We found out then that internally I was fully female, since then my external defect has been corrected. I don’t just look like a girl… I am one, and if it hadn’t been for what happened after that conversation I might not have had the help to accept this in time…” My voice trailed off thinking about what might have very easily been my outcome, I gave Jen’s hand a firm squeeze and she just squeezed it right back.
Coach’s face let us know she was astounded by what she heard, “Robbie… Oh my God… I would have never imagined… I…” She was at a loss of words, which I hadn’t seen before. It surprised me, but not near as much as what she did next, she immediately just stepped up to me and grabbed me in a hug. Not sure what to do I just hugged her back while Jen and Alicia just stared at us.
When she let me go she of course had a lot of questions, but we had to keep it short to not draw suspicion. I told her what I had gone through and that I intended to come back to school next semester as Rebecca. She had a lot of concerns but fished an attorneys card out of her bag and told me to give to my parents, the way the school has treated openly gay kids in the past that we might need it. I thanked her and right before we left she told me that she “sponsored” a study group for kids, with unique problems and invited me to join. Secrecy was mandatory but if I was interested to talk to her after class on Monday… I told her I was interested, and before I walked out she just said softly, “Rebecca it was very nice to finally meet you.” I thanked her and walked out, just that little statement of acceptance threatened to get me all choked up again.
That weekend drug by at a snails pace, the girls all had a study sleepover at Holly's on Friday night and I couldn’t figure a way to go as Rebecca since ‘she’ wasn’t a student yet and I didn’t want to go as Robbie. Holly, Michelle, and Karen had really been aggravating me about showing them my hair and I knew if I did they’d know and I was still hesitant about telling them. Something just didn’t feel right and I didn’t feel comfortable with the thought of them knowing. I’d have loved to spend the weekend with Paul, but one of his cousins were getting married so I wouldn't see him again until Monday. I kept my word to Mom and added our day to my weekend routine. While I had been really close to my Mom before my troubles started, I was quickly finding out that bonding with her as a daughter was bringing us closer than I could have possibly hoped.
Sunday was mostly fun as Jen and I drug Alicia along to church with us, and we spent the day together with Robin. I was able to convince Robin that Jen and Alicia could be trusted, she eventually gave in. It wasn’t me that convinced her, but she saw how protective they were of me and my secret. I wont go into details, but it was very emotional and there were a lot of hugs and tears shared all around. Overall I could tell with Robin, that like it did with me, that talking about it and sharing helped. While painful the experience drew us even closer together as friends. Before I took Robin and Alicia home I remember sitting there in Jen’s room and just knowing that these girls were going to be my friends for the rest of my life. I knew whatever challenges I haven't faced yet, I was going to be okay with these ladies by my side.
School was a different issue, I was trying to be more careful about letting my mannerisms give me away. While I knew I was going to face everyone soon, Coach Mason’s concern had made me feel nervous. I did get the info from her about the ‘study’ group, which was scheduled to meet up on Thursday evening at her house. She reiterated to me how much secrecy was important, there were kids there who were terrified of being found out. I just told her I understood and promised to be there.
The looming exams coming up for everyone had us all, including Paul, on edge. Almost all my free time was spent studying, finishing last minute projects, and then my runs with Paul. I do have to admit we cut our run short on Monday evening and just sat out by the pond that was on the university campus. We did behave… mostly, while we did talk some, we mostly just sat there together. I definitely was getting a lot more comfortable kissing him, I was no longer even feeling that inner part of me that originally rebelled against my relationship with Paul. I was actually starting to look forward to his kisses, really looking forward to them.
By Thursday I was a bundle of nerves, I was worried about how I would be accepted at the ‘group’. I almost chickened out three or four times, but I had promised Coach I would be there. If there was one thing I learned from Pop, was that you were only as good as your word because at the end of the day that’s all one really has. I was damn sure that my word was going to count for something. I didn’t tell anyone where I was going, other than a group needed my help to study. Since I’ve been tutoring people off and on for a couple of years it didn’t raise any red flags. It was supposed to be a study group anyway, right?
I was at the address Coach gave me about 15 minutes early, and I was standing at the door trying to get the nerve to ring the bell. After about a minute of me just standing there, the door was opened by a lady I’d never seen before. It surprised me and rattled me enough I couldn't do anything but stare at her, oh my God what if I’m at the wrong house was all I could think. After a moment of me just standing there looking like an idiot she spoke.
“This is you’re first time isn't it? I’m Jess and you are?” She said with a smile.
“Umm I’m Rebecca, Coach Mason gave me this address…” I said.
“Don’t worry dear, you’re at the right place. Sharon told me to expect you, come on in.” She said holding the door open wide. Since it was too late to back out now I stepped inside. She directed me to the living room where some other people were already there. There were two girls and a boy there, while I recognized all three of them I only knew one fairly well. From the look on her face she recognized me as well.
"Hi Karen how are you?” I say to her with a smile.
“Hi, its Rebecca right? You’re Jen's friend from the Halloween party? You were Supergirl.”, she asked me. Great she knew me as Rebecca but didn’t see Robbie, so I’m going to have to come out to her here. My anxiety had started up again in full force with that realization.
“Yeah its me… Sorry I’m really nervous this is my first time here.”, I tell her softly as I sat down on the couch next to her. I was careful to smooth out my denim skirt as I sat down, at this point I was questioning why didn’t I wear jeans and sneakers to this and not a skirt and heels. As I sat down I noticed the appreciative look that Karen on the other girl gave my legs, at least someone was enjoying it.
“Hey don’t worry we were all nervous when we started here. Trust me though, this place has been incredible. At least one night every few weeks we don’t have to hide who we really are.” She said trying to reassure me. This was actually the nicest I had seen her, while yes we’ve been friends we haven’t really talked much. Mostly I was friends with her through Holly, because just about every time I saw Holly, Karen was right there with her.
We talked for a few moments before Coach came in to the living room, I figured I might as well give her the full show I stood up to greet her. Looking down at her since I was a lot taller than her, even not wearing 4in heels, and said, “Well I made it, thanks for inviting me Coach.”
She obviously was stunned, even though she had seen me without my glasses it didn’t really prepared her for all of me. I honestly didn’t think she realized it was me for a moment when she finally said, “Wow Rebecca, you clean up great. Oh and drop the Coach crap while you’re here, here I’m just Sharon okay?”
“Okay, thanks again for inviting me.” I tell her and sit back down.
Karen looked at me and asked, “So how do you know Sharon? I thought you didn’t go to our school..”
“Well I…” I started to say but Coach, I’m sorry Sharon, stopped me.
“We’ll talk about that once everyone gets here okay, that way she won’t have to explain it again.” Sharon said. I looked at her thankfully, while I was feeling a bit better I was still nervous. From my understanding I would be the only one here with a gender issue, and I wondered just how serious our secrecy pact was going to be with Karen and Holly.
There was some small talk between Karen and myself for the next few minutes while some more people arrived. I recognized them but I didn’t interact with them at all so I barely knew their names. When Karen noticed me looking at peoples sodas she told me they were in the fridge and it was help yourself around here. With my nerves pretty high my throat was dry so I thanked her and got up to get me a drink, it was also an excuse to get away from her for a moment. While she was being nice to me, it was awkward for me sitting so close to someone I already knew while still feeling like I’m hiding.. I was in the kitchen opening my Diet Coke and leaning on the counter trying to steady my nerves when the last person came in. It was a very familiar voice I heard.
“Hey everybody, is Robbie here? I saw his car outside.” The voice said, as it carried into the kitchen. My breath immediately caught in my throat and my first reaction was to sneak outside and leave, then I realized my keys were in my bag sitting on the couch next to Karen. I silently cursed myself and took a few deep breaths to go face the crowd.
Then I heard Karen say, “No he’s not here, we do have a new… Oh shit you’ve got to be kidding me?!?” About that time I walked into the living room and several faces immediately glared at me, but the newcomer’s back was facing me.
Clearing my throat I then spoke as clear as I possibly could, “No he’s not really around anymore… Hi Dave…” Dave immediately turned around to look at me, confusion all over his face. Even with my nerves strung out like they were I couldn’t help but giggle slightly. Karen was actually the first to say anything, while the whole room just stared at me.
“Robbie?!? There’s no way… You’ve got to be kidding me!!” She exclaimed…
“Yeah.. Robbie… But not for much longer, my name change should be finished in another week. Except for at school ‘Robbie’ doesn't really exist anymore.” I said softly. Dave steps up to me and stares at me in disbelief, it’s on odd feeling standing here in front of him. Dave, the running back, is usually an inch taller than me at school but standing here in my heels he has to look up to me. But yeah Dave, the same Dave that I knocked down when him, Perk, and Scott tried to defend Jen’s honor on that fateful day. I smiled at him and patted him on the shoulder and softly asked, “You mind sliding over so I can get back to my seat.” He just nodded and stepped aside and I continued to my seat, with 9 pairs of eyes following my every move.
Sitting back down next to Karen she still appeared to be in shock, it was weird how I was at such ease now the ‘cat was out of the bag’ so to speak. I smiled and grabbed her hand and said softly, “Karen its nice to finally meet you.” She slightly shook her head and smiled at me returning the sentiment.
Coach, I mean Sharon dammit, then spoke, “Well now that everyone is here and you’ve met our newest member, Rebecca do you want to go first?”
I started to feel a bit nervous looking around the room, but I nodded and then proceeded to tell everyone about my condition, and what I had been through hiding it from everyone. I told them everything, condensed of course, right up till that fateful day in Sharon's health class when Jen heard what I blurted out which got the ball rolling. I saw Dave’s eyes suddenly widen.
“Oh God that was the day you ran through me and Perk!! I felt bad enough to be bowled over by a skinny nerdy guy, but to know I was really taken out by a girl!!” He blurted out and hung his head in his hands. I immediately felt really guilty..
“Dave I said I was sorry, I was just really messed up at that time…” I started to say, then seeing him look up with his shit eating grin it made me pause… “Oh you ass!!” Which made the group start to laugh…
“Ro... Rebecca… Sorry I was just joking, the mood had gotten way to serious…”, He said still slightly grinning, but then he recomposed himself and more seriously said, “Now everything makes sense though… I’m sorry… Really sorry for what we were going to do, not that it makes it any better, but we really were worried about Jen… I’m sorry…” He had stood up and walked over to me offering his hand. Which I took and used to stand up to look directly at him.
“Dave, you don’t have to apologize… If I thought it had been you that hurt Jen, I’d have done the exact same thing… Maybe even take you back down to the ground again.” I said giggling, which made him shake his head… Then I asked, “Are we still good?”
Still shaking his head a bit, he did smile at me before sticking his hand out for a handshake and said, “Yeah we’re good.” I stared at his hand for a brief second before I shook my head no, he looked confused for a moment before I then quickly grabbed him in a hug. After a few brief seconds he returned it in the same intensity.
We sat back down and resumed going around the room with people talking about things they were going through and dealing with. Not surprisingly since I was the new face in the group it kept coming around back to me. Since this group was all about support I did end up talking about how close I had come to… well... doing the unthinkable. Dave immediately felt guilty, and apologized for the entire jock squad for being part of that pool that I had been mentioned in. Before it ended Sharon reminded everyone that secrecy was paramount, that each one of us held each other's life in our hands. When we meandered on outside both Dave and Karen walked me to my car. They both told me how brave they thought I was about my plans, I tried to tell them it wasn’t being brave that it just couldn’t pretend anymore. The pretending was what was killing me. Dave didn’t make me promise, it was kind of obvious what went on here stayed here, but Karen made me promise not to tell Holly. She was adamant about that, I agreed because I understood now that she had fallen head over heels for Holly, someone she knew she couldn’t have. I promised her sadly, I really felt for her and her situation. Dave did give me a hug right before I got in the Ghia and promised that when everything happened, he would have my back. While I was still unsure about the group, thinking about what Karen was dealing with, and Dave’s promise I did get a bit weepy on the drive home. Luckily I kept it together enough Mom couldn’t see any makeup runs when I got home.
Lying in bed that night my mind was running a marathon, which was not conducive to falling asleep… At all... Tonight's group reminded me, that while I was accepted in the group, most of the people were where I was at before that fateful day in health class. While yes they shared with the group, but they were still hiding in plain sight WHO they were from everyone else. I started to think that maybe they were the lucky ones, because of my body I couldn’t hide in the shadows anymore. I quickly pushed those thoughts down, because I’ve learned who I really am… Well mostly… No matter how much crap I’m going to have to deal with very soon, I know that I couldn’t go back and truly didn’t want to. Then I thought of Karen, who was following around the girl she loved like a little puppy dog looking for any handouts of attention from her. Then I thought of Dave, while he didn’t express any attraction to anyone specific, I couldn’t imagine how hard it had to be for him to be a jock, football player and be around all those hyper masculine semi violent guys while keeping a core part of who he was hidden. Hidden because anyone of those guys could turn on him… Just thinking about the people I had met tonight, and what each one was dealing with brought me to tears.
I realized that I had thought that when I do come out, that it was originally going to be just for myself. While everyone in the group was dealing with a different orientation and not anything like what I was dealing with, they were still afraid to do anything but hide. My body has forced my hand to do this, but I started thinking that if I can stand tall and proud in my truth that hopefully I can change peoples perceptions. I started thinking that when I come out in the open that maybe, just maybe, that I won’t be doing it just for myself.. That I can stand there proudly for all of those still hiding..
Maybe I was just being really hopeful or just idealistic.. What could you expect though, after all I was only sixteen… and a half.
To Be Continued...
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Author's Note: This chapter has been hard to write, not necessarily the content but had happened to me last month. Some saw where I had to bury the only Dad I remember, my Step-Dad who completely accepted me after I started my transition 4 years ago. Also the man I loosely based the character of Pop from. Dealing with his passing, and the hole that has been left in my life has cause my muse to be.... Uncooperative... I had to rewrite some areas that I had intended more interaction with the parents in this chapter, I just couldn't get past those parts though. Hopefully I was able to salvage this chapter and still achieve what I had wanted. Hope you all enjoy. ~Rebecca
Walking through school the next day was a bit surreal, I kept seeing faces in the hall that normally I’d never have noticed. Since last night and what we had shared I kept bumping into people from the group, while we couldn’t act like best friends now we did share knowing looks and smiles in passing. Except for Dave that is, when I would pass him he’d keep giving me his shit eating grin and saying, “sup dude…” At first I laughed but as the day progressed I was tempted to hit him again. He didn’t aggravate me anymore than Jen does, it was just… different…
I met up with Alicia as I was headed to lunch, so we walked in together. I got the standard hug from Robin and as I turned around I saw Jen threatening Alicia with her fork when Alicia started to get close to her. Jen just exclaimed while holding out her fork, “Try and kiss me again and I’ll fork you up!!” Which pretty much set the mood for the entire meal. Sadly though while we smiled at each other, Karen wasn’t anymore friendly to me than normal. I knew with what, or more specifically who, her priorities lied. I really hated that, last night I had hoped we could become better friends, but who knew what the future was going to bring.
I did have to pass up on an invitation for a sleep over on the drive home from Jen, which she was trying really hard to get me to come to. Once I told her the reason she did back off, for the first time I wasn’t backing out from fear. This time I already had plans, it was the first weekend in almost a month that Paul didn’t have to go to Ridgeland, which was home for him. We were actually going out on our first real planned date. I was excited and nervous at the same time, Jen just smiled and told me that was a perfectly normal girly response.
I’d love to say that we went to a super fancy restaurant for our first date, but honestly he was in college and I was in high school. I’d have been truly happy if we’d just gone to McDonalds for our date, just as long as we were spending time with each other it didn’t really matter to me where we ate. We did go back to the Mexican restaurant where I had told him everything, and then had spent several hours walking hand in hand around campus talking about everything and nothing. The kiss that we shared after he had walked me to my car took my breath away, it was the perfect ending to a perfect night.
My weekend was a blur though, Friday night and Saturday I took a break from all the preparing for the end of the semester exams. I split spending time with Paul and Mom for our Saturday afternoon before starting back on finals preparation. The past few years my grades were just a side effect of me not having anything else to do but study and I wasn’t really concerned with them, but now with just a week before semester finals they had become a sense of pride. My grades were something I had earned, regardless if it was Robbie or Rebecca that had gotten them. I had been in the top 2% of my class but over the last couple of months with everything going on I had slipped to the top 5%. I was determined that no matter what, I was going to get them brought back up.
A lot of things had happened during that week but I was so busy they barely even registered with me at first. My parents had met with the attorney that Sharon, or Coach, had recommended earlier during the week, preparing for my public outing the week of finals. It was actually his idea to schedule the meeting with the superintendent, my principals and other required board members on the last day of my finals, to keep me from being distracted until my testing was complete on Wednesday. While concerned about the meeting I did my best to push it in the background for the moment.
My new amended birth certificate arrived in the middle of the week, just as Gene, Pop’s friend from the courthouse, had promised. It arrived just in time for the hearing for my name change on Thursday, thankfully with me being a minor I didn’t have to appear as my parents had all the required paperwork. With all the paperwork in hand we even made the trip to the DMV on Friday evening and for all practical purposes Robbie was no more. My anxiety at going to the DMV had been extraordinarily high, the trooper at the desk when we arrived had less personality than a toaster. He simply filed the paperwork, took the new pictures and half an hour later we were driving home with me staring at Rebecca on my new license. The last hurdle was going to happen on Wednesday afternoon at school.
I finished my last exam almost an hour early, all the cramming and studying had made the tests a breeze, I just hope they had gone as well for the girls. The appointment was scheduled for 1pm, so I was able to attend lunch with the group one last time as “Robbie”. The girls, or at least the three I had been studying with so much, were in good spirits after that mornings exams. The other three not as much, the more I and my ‘bodyguards’ joked around the more upset the other girls got at us. Jen, Alicia, and Robin all knew what was coming up and were acting up trying to get me out of my head as much as possible and I appreciated it immensely. A few minutes before lunch was over, I just stood up and said, “It’s time. I’ll see y'all around.” My ‘bodyguards’ all three got up and hugged me for all they were worth, amongst the confused looks of Holly, Karen, and Michelle. I immediately turned and walked to the Principal’s office trying to hide the tears their support had brought out.
No sooner did I walk into the office I was enveloped in the arms of my parents who had been waiting for me. My attorney, Mr. Fuller was waiting as well and smiled at our embrace.
“You ready for this?” Mr. Fuller asked me.
I shrugged my shoulders and told him, “I think I am, but I’m scared…” I immediately started trembling even though both my parents had their arms around me. I had been planning for this for over a month, looking forward to it. Now that the moment was upon us to put the last part of Robbie to rest, I was terrified of what was about to transpire. I took as much strength as I could from my parents, and just nodded my head. Mr. Fuller then told the assistant behind the desk that we were ready. Five minutes later we were seated around a conference table facing off against 5 individuals who were about to decide if I could continue here at the High School. The Head Superintendent was Dr. Miller, who I had actually had as a Principal in like the 2nd grade. Mrs. Johnson was the assistance principal here, and I already had a dislike for her. I had tried to complain to her about the bullying I was enduring early in the 9th grade, she had told me to quit whining and that it would toughen me up and she had treated me like I was a troublemaker ever since.
As Dr. Miller spoke he had a grim expression on his face. “We’ve been reviewing your file and the recommendation of the board is that in your… child’s best interests that you should seek to transfer him to another school. One that can better serve his unique… uhh… issue.” I started trembling much worse and winced when he called me him.
“You mean HER, don’t you Dr. Miller?” corrected Mr Fuller. “You can see from HER medical files and HER birth certificate, that my client is legal and medically female and I think it would be in your best interests to recognize her as such. As far as HER unique issue, its already been dealt with medically and is finished. She is and will forever be FEMALE, all we are here for today is for the School Board to recognize that. Not only that SHE be recognized as female, but will be treated as such.” Mom smiled at Mr Fuller and firmly squeezed my hand.
“Excuse, me I know what the papers say here but do you really expect us to believe that this child right here is actually a girl?” Mrs. Johnson asked, right as she noticed my attorney getting ready to go on another rant she quickly added, “I’m not trying to be argumentative sir, none of us have ever heard of anything like this happening before and its just rather difficult to believe. Just looking at him… Robbie… It’s hard to believe you expect us to let… Robbie… Use the female facilities and for us to just think that he's now a her. How are we supposed to alleviate the fears of the girls and girls parents that a former boy is now going to be in the restroom with them?”
“Are you saying that he doesn’t look enough like a girl?” Mr. Fuller asked her, a slight bit of a smile on his face. Mrs. Johnson just nodded. He then continued, “Then I suggest that we let Rebecca go and change while her parents and I continue this discussion. You can easily let HER use the staff restroom here in the office.”
Dr Miller started to say that wouldn’t accomplish anything before I interrupted, “It would only take me 10 minutes, please.” There was a mix of surprise and confusion on their faces due to me letting my voice side back to its normal range mid sentence. Mom handed me a bag that had my change of clothes they had brought, as Mrs. Johnson motioned me to follow her.
Leaving the conference room she directed Samantha, a senior working as an office assistant this period, to let me use the restroom and then she returned to the room we had just left. I knew Samantha because we were in AP Biology together with Jen, usually seniors didn't associate with underclassmen.
“Robbie what's going on? Are you okay? I sort of heard a bit of what they were talking about when they went in earlier, but didn’t know who they were talking about… Are you getting kicked out of school?” Samantha asked, she actually appeared to be worried for me. She had always been pretty nice to me, and due to the intensity of the class we shared we had also studied together in groups.
“I… I don’t know what's going to happen… I’m trying to stay… That's why we have an attorney with us today…” I tell her.
“Did you do something to get kicked out?!” She asked incredulously.
“I… Samantha I don’t have time to explain in detail… Remember when we talked about anomalies in nature and stuff?” I asked her, to which she nodded. “Well… I’m an anomaly… You’ll see in a minute, but I really have to change and get back in there.” She looked at me, obviously trying to figure out what was going on but let me behind the counter and I darted into the restroom.
Once I made sure the door was locked I quickly stripped out of my clothes and that infernal compression vest, thankfully for the very last time. Quickly donning my new clothes I appraised myself in the mirror. While I was still a bit nervous and slightly trembling, seeing my reflection started to calm me. Noticing how my v-neck sweater and jeans were form fitting, with the neck of my sweater showing just a hint of cleavage. Then my eyes went up to my shoulder length blonde hair, matched with my perfectly shaped eyebrows, it framed my face and I couldn’t help but smile ever so slightly. There was no hint whatsoever of a boy in that reflection. With my resolve now strengthened I quickly added some eyeliner and mascara to make my eyes stand out just a bit and added a bit of lip gloss. Taking one last glance in the mirror I took a deep breath and then opened the door and stepped back into the office.
I couldn't help but giggle at Samantha’s face when she turned and looked at me as I exited the restroom. “See, this is the real me Samantha, this is why I’ve been so… out of it the past few years.” I tell her. The shock of seeing me and then hearing my natural voice almost made her speechless.
“Robbie… You look just like a girl! You even sound like one!!” She exclaimed. Then almost as an afterthought she asked, “Are you transsexual?”
“Look I need to get back in there, I’m intersexed… Outside I was born looking like a guy, but internally I’ve always been a girl… I just finally started accepting it a few months ago with a friends help…” I told her looking back to the conference room.
“Okay good luck in there…” She said softly, she looked like she still had a hundred questions just waiting to be asked.
When I reentered the conference room it was apparent that they had been in a heated discussion, and from the faces around the table it also seemed that Mr. Fuller was winning by a long shot. Already appearing frustrated Dr. Miller snapped at me when I came in, “Young lady this is a private meeting!”
It confused me for just a second, before I realized he didn’t recognize me. From the faces behind the table none of the administrators recognized me as the ‘boy’ that had left the room a short time ago. “Umm, I know Dr. Miller… You all knew I went to change… It’s me…” I said trying to stop the giggle that was threatening to come out. I could see Mom and Mr. Fuller were both trying to suppress their own smiles, but Pop was all business as usual and just continued to stare down the board.
Mrs. Johnson was the first to speak, “Robbie? Is that you?” I simply nodded to which she quickly raised her hand to her mouth trying to stifle us from hearing her say “Oh my God!!”
Mr. Fuller quickly jumped in, “HER name is Rebecca as you can see from her legal documents, and I would seriously recommend the board start recognizing and using HER name!”
There were several moments of silence other than the noise of me retaking my seat next to Mom where she firmly grasped my hand once I sat down. Finally it was Dr. Miller that spoke first, “Well it looks like the board doesn’t have much of a choice… I still advise that you find another place for your education Rob..” He glared at Mr Fuller before he continued, “Rebecca… This… Situation is frankly something no one has heard of happened and we don’t know how the student body will deal with this. Regardless of what the boards recommendations or opinions on the matter… We don’t want to see anyone get hurt…”
“Are you trying to say that someone might try to beat me up or hurt me?” I asked him.
He gave me a pained look then said, “Yes they might… We’ve had problems in the past with students who were just rumored to be gay who had problems with other students… I can’t even fathom how some students will react to this… I strongly urge you to reconsider…”
“Dr. Miller I’ve been bullied and beaten up for years, I’ve learned to take care of myself quite well thank you very much… I’ve… I’ve…” It was taking all of my self control to keep from starting to cry, I had hated coming to school for years from the bullying. Even though I knew the bullying would more than likely become worse, I realized how much I wanted to stay. I had made friends, who knew about me and who genuinely liked the new me. I was actually proud of my grades and what I had accomplished, especially over the last few months. If I ran home I would be like I was still hiding, and that was something I just couldn’t do anymore. Taking a few quick breaths to try to calm myself, I finally continued, “Mr. Miller I’m going to stay, my education is important to me. I have friends here, and I mean real friends who've already proved they will stand by me. I’m a great student, and I’ve even tutored a lot of the football players just so they could keep playing… I’ve been hiding and trying to run from this for so long… I’m not running anymore.” I said that with such resolve I actually surprised myself.
I could detect some respect in the stares given to me from across the table, except from one. Mrs. Johnson looked upset at me, she quickly started rummaging through my file until she found what she was looking for. “So this was the reason you got the waiver from attending PE? That was the physical aberration this mentions?” Not sure where she was going, I just nodded. “Well since your attorney here says that your ‘condition’ is repaired then there is no need for you not taking PE…” She said with a slightly malicious grin.
“Huh, no I guess there isn't a reason for me not to anymore… I don’t have a free period though..” I tell her confused.
“I see from your schedule you have one elective that we could change… Physical Education is a required class for state requirements. You only were able to get out of it from this waiver, which you all have said doesn’t apply anymore.” She said still grinning. Then she added, “Now though you would have to be put in the girls PE, that shouldn’t be an issue should it? I’m not sure how the girls would like having a former boy in there with them, but as you’ve said you’re all girl now.”
I started to see her rationalization… I’ve also seen just how vicious girls can be to each other, not in a physical sense either. Mrs. Johnson had seen I wasn’t afraid of the physical possibilities, but maybe the thought of facing an entire class of angry girls would make me reconsider. It honestly felt like just another attempt to bully me, but this time from an adult… It pissed me off.
“You’re right I am completely female now, and I don’t have a reason not to take PE. I take it you’re talking about me dropping Band for PE? You know what? That's fine, I wasn’t a big fan of playing a trumpet anyway…” I told her coldly.
The smirk she had on her face started to deflate, her face then hardened from realizing I wasn’t going to be scared off that way. She then said angrily, “Fine then, I’ll make the required changes as soon as we leave the office.”
We sat there while the board and Mr. Fuller deliberated for a few minutes and I think that Mom could feel my anger at Mrs. Johnson simmering. She looked at me worriedly and then suggested to everyone that unless I was needed by the board to let me be excused from the meeting. The Board and Mr. Fuller agreed, so Dr. Miller, noticing my discomfort with Mrs. Johnson, escorted me out. He directed Samantha to set me up with a new school ID, and giving me an uneasy smile told me that he hoped I had made the best decision before he returned to the conference room.
Samantha smiled at me, and said, “Since you’re getting a new ID that answers my first question. I don’t want to bug you, but I have so many others I don’t know where to begin though…” I simply smiled at her, at least she was curious without any sign of being upset with me. I gave her a slightly more comprehensive run down of what happened with me, and when I was done she simply responded, “Wow… Mrs. York would have a field day with this, you know she might want to you to do a presentation or something in Biology when she finds out…”
I couldn’t help but laugh at that, mostly because it had crossed my mind before. Mrs. York was our AP Biology teacher. She always loved to teach us about all the little quirks of nature, and admittedly what had happened to me definitely would be a quirk. “Yeah I’ve already thought about that… You know… I’d probably do it if I could extra credit.” I said with a small laugh.
Samantha laughed as well adding, “Yeah, but you’re like the last person in that class that needs extra credit.”
We continued talking for another half an hour until the ‘adults’ were finished and came out of the conference room. Not one of the board members even acknowledged me upon leaving, other than Mrs. Johnson who announced she was going to start changing my schedule for next semester as soon as possible. My parents and Mr. Fuller though were all smiles, and explained that everything was all set in place, Robbie was finally no more. That realization I thought would bring me relief, and while I was mostly… There was still some trepidation of what the future would bring.
“So we’ll see you at home? You want us to drop you off at your car?” Mom asked me. It appeared she could feel some of my anxiety, it was just another thing that made me feel thankful. Since everything had come out and she had learned how bad off I had become, she was paying much more attention to me and also my mood.
“That would be nice but… I think I’m going to stay and go find Jen… She should be finished testing and in the gym with all the others that are done.” I told her. While I was a bit afraid, I was determined that I wasn't going to let it run my life again. “Besides if I made her ride the bus home I’d never hear the end of it.” I finished with a laugh.
“Okay baby, just be careful…” She told me and followed it up with a hug. I hugged Pop and even caught Mr. Fuller off guard with a hug too.
With a quick good bye to them I gave Samantha a smile and a nod thanking her, she just smiled and winked at me, “Rebecca, if you need anything just ask okay. Oh and if Mrs. York lets you do extra credit, you want a partner? I could use any extra points I can.”, she laughed.
I couldn’t help but giggle and say, “If she suggests it I’ll ask her. Thanks again.”
With my new student ID hanging around my neck I left the office and headed to the gym. After testing, the school would occasionally set up VCR projectors in the gym and showed movies in an effort to keep the students occupied and out of trouble. I was hoping Jen, Alicia, and Robin would be finished and in there killing time. I think they were expecting me to go home after the meeting and I wanted to surprise them.
Walking through the school, like I had done it so many times in the past, was different now. As I passed people, some I knew and others I only knew their faces, they looked up and smiled at me. I wasn't used to people responding to me that way, most of the time they barely registered my existence. I was actually feeling pretty good by the time I got to my locker to drop off all the stuff I didn’t need over Christmas break.
“Hey there you sexy thang”, a familiar voice said behind me. Due to my surprise I couldn't place it and I jumped a bit as I spun around to see Dave’s shit eating grin.
Slightly pissed at his smugness I slapped him on the arm, “Asshole!!” I said, before laughing at the mock look of hurt on his face.
He quickly recovered and that grin reappeared when he saw my ID hanging on the lanyard around my neck, “So I take it ‘he’ is gone for good?” I just nodded. “Are you okay?” He asked softly.
“Yeah… No… I don’t know exactly… I mean its just so… so… confusing… I’m glad that I can finally move forward and not hide who I am, but… I feel sad at the same time, like part of me has actually died or something… Does that make any sense?” I ask.
Dave gives me a sad smile and puts his hand gently on my shoulder, “It does… well mostly… Hey if you need anything, just let me know… I’ve got your back Rebecca…”
I reached up and gave his hand that was on my shoulder a squeeze, “Thanks Dave, that really means a lot. Are you sure though? I wouldn’t want you being friends with me risk people finding out about… well you know…” I ask.
He just grins, “Let me worry about that okay, you’re my friend so it’s worth it… Besides being friends with a lil hottie like you would only make me look even straighter.” He said laughing.
I couldn’t help but blush from the compliment he gave me and after a moment I stepped in close and gave him a hug. “Thanks Dave… You know you’re alright… For a jock at least…” I told him softly laughing.
Stepping back he clutched his hand over his chest, “Hey that hurts!!!” before he started laughing as well. Then he stepped in close and whispered, “Just don’t tell anyone, you know I have my rep to worry about. Ugh Me Football player ‘member!!” I couldn’t help but laugh loudly at his antics, with a few more laughs we parted ways with me headed to find Jen and the group.
Walking into the gym I saw that it was pretty full with students, I figured it was all the people who didn't have a ride home and had to wait for the bus. There wasn't many who were watching the provided movies, instead they were all split into groups talking so it was quite loud when I walked in. I started walking up one side of the gym looking for my friends in the bleachers and I noticed that some of the noise had started to quiet down. As I was scanning the bleachers I noticed a lot of eyes were staring at me, most were in confusion I guess, trying to figure out who I was, some were guys and their looks were… well they didn’t look confused at all. I had finished looking down one side and was about a quarter of the way down the other side of the gym before I heard Jen’s voice shouting my name. Relieved I went up to the top of the bleachers where my friends were seated, trying my best to ignore the other peoples stares.
“Well hey there girlfriend!” Jen squealed as she grabbed me in a huge hug, then more softly she asked, “How did things go?”
“Does this explain it?” I said as I held up my new school ID. Immediately all three girls squealed loudly and grabbed me in a three way hug, I was amazed that we all didn’t tumble down the bleachers I was so caught off guard.
We quickly sat back down in our group and I did my best to let them all know how things had gone with the board, even how Mrs. Johnson had tried to bully me. They were pissed at that, and just reassured me that they were going to make sure I was okay. We ended up just chatting about mostly inconsequential things, especially after a few people, mostly guys, came up to ‘introduce’ themselves to me. I was both flattered and creeped out at the same time. Most of the guys, were jerks who I despised from before, due to how they had treated me. I tried to be nice though, and keep the eye rolling to a minimum from their lame come on lines.
When the bell rang announcing the end of the school day, I all but sprinted out of the gym. I was feeling extremely self conscious from the attention I had received and it felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack. Jen, Alicia, and Robin did pretty good at keeping up with me all the way to the Ghia. When we got to my little VW none of them even asked for a ride and just climbed on in smirking at me. I just climbed in laughing softly and shaking my head, truthfully I was thinking just how lucky I was that these three girls were in my life.
On the ride to Jen’s house I finished filling them in on what all had transpired that I wasn't able to say at the gym. They started plotting on how to get back at Mrs. Johnson and I had to talk them down. I really didn't want to make any trouble, I just wanted to make as few waves as possible. I already knew that once the word got out of me becoming Rebecca it was going to cause quite a tsunami in this small town.
Alicia and Robin still had some tests to finish on Thursday and Friday, so they started to study once we got to Jen's while Jen and I began preparing us all something to eat. While we were getting stuff ready we joked and were laughing, when we were about half way done I noticed that Jen had gotten really quiet. I turned and looked at her, she had put the bowl she had been mixing down and was staring at me, I could see the tears starting to form.
“Jen what's wrong?” I worriedly asked, I was afraid that I had done something to upset her.
She smiled at me, but the tears had already started flowing down her cheeks when she rushed up to me and grabbed me in a viselike hug. Sniffling she started speaking, “Nothing's wrong… I was just looking at you a minute ago and I saw how at peace and happy you are… I just started thinking how only a few months ago how… miserable you were… about how close we came to loosing you… I don’t know what I would have done…” She broke down sobbing all the while clutching me for all she was worth. I just held on to her and felt myself starting to cry as well.
When I could finally speak through my tears, I told her, “Jen the only reason I am still here is because of you… You never gave up on me, even when everyone else had… You were the one that pulled me out of that horrible place I had locked myself up in… You were the one that showed me who I could be, and that I could be happy being her… I can never thank you enough for being in my life…” I was going to say more but I felt hands on my shoulders, I turned my head and saw Alicia and Robin there and they were both crying as well. I had no idea how long they had been watching us, but they wrapped their arms around us both.
“Rebecca we can’t thank YOU enough for being in our lives okay? Watching you overcome everything that you have, and still being such an amazing person has made our lives better because of it. We’re better people because of you, and don’t you ever forget it.” Alicia said while hugging me to which Robin just nodded.
While we were clutching each other and sharing our tears, all I could feel was this overwhelming feeling of love pouring over me. Even with the ups and downs that we had had with each other, I knew just how blessed I was that these girls were my friends. I knew that there wasn’t anything that any one of us wouldn’t do for the others.
Once we had composed ourselves and cleaned off our streaked makeup we all ended up finishing dinner. After the emotional outpouring we had shared, dinner was much more lighthearted. Mrs. Cook came home and was pleased to find us there in such good spirits, she was also thankful that we cooked enough for her and Mr. Cook too. She offered to do the cleanup so we could get back to studying.
We only studied for a little over half an hour more, Alicia and Robin had been in our study groups for a few weeks now and were pretty up to speed. Then our conversation dropped back to my situation, specifically when I was going to tell the other girls of our group. They didn’t know that Karen already knew, because I didn’t want to go into how she found out. That was her secret to tell and not mine. Since they already had an end of semester sleepover planned on Friday night, we all agreed that that would be when I ‘come out’ to the rest of the girls.
It was about 8:30 when we called it a night, mostly due to the fact that I still had to carry Alicia and Robin home and they had testing tomorrow so they had to get up early. As I dropped each one of them at home I got more hugs and they congratulated me again for making that final step.
I arrived at home a little after 9 PM to find my parents waiting up for me, I gave them a brief rundown of my afternoon and what we had planned for Friday night. From the stress and anxiety I had dealt with earlier I called it an early night because I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. Not only that, but even though I didn’t have to go to school I was still planning on being up early.
I was leaned up shivering against Paul’s mustang at 7:20 that Thursday morning, while I was dressed warmly, I was still dressed to run and it was cold. A few minutes later my boyfriend came out of the dorm and his face lit up as soon as he saw me. After a good long hug and and even longer kiss we started to stretch for our run. Most people would think we were crazy for going on a run in these temperatures. This was going to be the last day that I was going to see Paul until Christmas break was over. He was heading home after his last test this afternoon, while I had told him to study he had refused. To my delight, he told me that he’d rather spend the morning with me. Part of me was mad at him for not studying, but the much larger part was ecstatic that he was making time for me today.
Due to the temperature we didn’t run at our normal pace, but honestly it was more enjoyable at our relaxed pace. It also helped that it took us that much longer to run our normal route. We had plenty of time after we finished our run, so he took me to Oby’s, a college sandwich shop hangout, for an early lunch. We mostly just laughed and teased each other between feeding our own sandwiches with each other. When we were saying our goodbyes back at his dorm I held on to him until it started to become awkward, and held on a few moments longer. I wished him luck and a safe trip and then gave him the most passionate kiss to date.
The rest of the day I spent removing the remnants of Robbie from my room and packing the clothes and other items in bags to donate. Mom gave me a hand for awhile after she got home from work and we reminisced over happy moments of ‘his’ past before I had started to spiral downhill. It was almost like a funeral in a sense, after an hour of this it became too much for either of us and Mom and I hugged and cried. After another emotionally draining day I turned in early again.
Going to bed early was resetting my internal clock, I woke up before sunrise and after 30 minutes of not being able to convince myself to go back to sleep I got up. Jen was going to be over in the afternoon to pick me up for the sleepover and to also go over my plans on what I was going to say, I started gathering my stuff together so I’d be ready when she got here. With everything I could think of packed up I started breakfast, Mom and Pop would be up soon and I wanted to do something nice for them after everything they’ve done recently. As I was cooking I thinking about tonight and I started to get a sinking feeling in my stomach. I didn't have a clue how Holly and Michelle would take the news, we were decent friends so I hoped it would be enough. That feeling though only grew more intense, no matter what I did I couldn’t shake it.
Trying to distract myself, and to also have the paper in place for Pop when he came in to the kitchen I went outside to grab it. The sun hadn’t been up for long, but I could tell it was already a dark dreary morning. That feeling of dread was still really strong, and as I looked at the sky I noticed the storm clouds in the distance. I immediately started praying that this wasn’t foreshadowing of what was to come later.
To Be Continued...
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Author's Note: I want to thank everyone who has been following my story, for this chapter my Muse started showing signs of ADD. Thankfully I got her to focus some... I hope, hehe. I do want to warn there is a confrontation and there is language and some physical assault, I couldn't get around it. Thank you all again for bearing with my attempt at writing. Also wanted to add a reminder, that this story is set approx 30 years ago in the heart of the Deep South. I've had a few people that had forgotten and thinking it was present day.. Hope you all enjoy. ~Rebecca
By the time my parents made it into the kitchen, I had been able to push that impending doom I had felt earlier down to just a nagging worry. They were both surprised to find that I had made breakfast, but even through their surprise they could sense that I was upset. Which in turn made them worry about me, it bothered me just how easily my moods could be read these days. I had realized though, that after keeping my feelings and emotions locked up for so long, that once I had started letting things out just how expressive I had become. While it was extremely scary at times, it was also freeing in an odd way.
After explaining to them what I had felt earlier, and how intense the feeling was, they both tried to convince me not to worry. Especially since there is no way I could even know how tonight will turn out. We ended up having a nice breakfast and they both tried to distract me thankfully. Pop even shared the comics from the paper with me, which got me to giggle some. It’s funny how something so inane as that could brighten my mood. Through my anxiety and depression that I had suffered with for so long, I had learned one thing at least, that no matter how bad things are that if you can laugh about anything, however small, that life isn't as bad as you thought. My problem before had been, I hadn’t been able to laugh for a long, long time until the last few months.
As they were leaving for work they both hugged me, which was unusual for Pop. I mean I knew he cared about me, but he was never overly affectionate to anyone other than my Mom. Even his daughters, my step-sisters, usually would just get a quick hug when they’d visit, he just wasn't a touchy feeling kind of guy. Lately though I had noticed that he had changed around me, like now as he was giving me a hug goodbye. While I wasn’t used to him being like this with me, I wasn’t about to complain.
As he released me from the hug he put both of his hands on my shoulders and looked me directly in my eyes, “Honey… I know you’ll be at Jen’s when we get home, but if things don’t go… hmm… Look if you need us for anything, we’re here okay. Just let us know how it goes.”
I wasn’t able to say anything with the lump that had formed in my throat, I just nodded as I started blinking away tears. He then just leaned in and gave me another hug and whispered, “You’re stronger than you believe, I promise you… Robert would be proud of his daughter.”
“I wish I felt like I was… Thank you…” I started to say as my voice started to crack. I cleared my throat and continued, “Thank you for everything… Even if you got me crying again!” I added with a small chuckle.
“Hey, Dad’s are allowed to do that.” He said with a slight smirk, which caused me to actually laugh harder, even with tears still flowing. He then he wiped the tears off my cheek and kissed me on the forehead. “Don’t forget to call us tonight and let us know how you are. Love you baby girl.”
“I will… I promise… I love you too… Dad.” I told him with a smile. He just smiled back and nodded his head as he went out the door. I went to watch him out the window and I could swear I saw him wiping his eyes as he was getting into his car.
The next several hours I kept busy, I knew better than to be still, otherwise that sense of fear would be allowed to seep back in. With the storm clouds I had seen earlier I decided to just do a few laps around my neighborhood. I made almost 3 miles before it started to drizzle and returned home to finish exercising in the house with the radio blaring to my favorite rock station. I kept it up till about two hours before Jen was supposed to pick me up.
We had decided that I would be there early, before the whole group arrived this evening. We also had decided to leave the Ghia here, I wanted to ease into this and we all thought that if I drove the VW there it would be too obvious. I took a quick shower and shave before I filled the tub and soaked in some bath oils Mom had gotten for me. While I had kept up my runs and calisthenics, I hadn’t been pushing myself that hard, and after this morning the hot soak felt heavenly. I stayed there until the water had gotten a slight chill and I noticed my fingers had gotten a bit wrinkled. Since it was chilly and wet outside, I had to give up my idea of wearing a cute skirt and blouse. Instead I dressed in one of my turtleneck’s and a pair of nice embroidered jeans that had a large butterfly wrapped around my right thigh.
I was appraising myself in the mirror when I heard Jen come in, which was a normal thing. Both of our parents had laid claims on the other and since we were ‘family’ knocking just wasn’t allowed. I yelled to her letting her know where I was, and realized I was actually feeling pretty good about everything. Between the talk with my parents, the run, workout, and definitely the long hot soak in the tub I just felt good. Which Jen must have noticed as she rounded the corner in the hallway.
“Damn girl, you are positively glowing!” She exclaimed. “I take it you haven't been stressing about tonight?”
I laughed, “Well I did do a lot of that earlier, I guess I just got it out of my system already.” I then told her about my morning, and all that had transpired while I put the final touches on my make-up.
“Look, no matter what happens tonight. We are here with you, on top of both our parents. You have a lot of people that have your back, so if you do start to worry, don’t. We’ve got this, and I mean we, as in all of us.” She told me firmly before giving me a hug.
“Thanks… You know what? Enough is enough, no more stressing.. Tonight is going to be a good night… I’m already packed, so you ready?” I tell her. She just grinned and nodded so we grabbed my stuff and headed out.
I found that Alicia and Robin were already there and waiting for me, once we walked in. After a round of hugs and show of support, we started getting ready for the sleep over. While we did talk a little about different ways I could finally open up to the others, mostly it was just about trying to figure out fun things to do other than just watching TV. We were hoping that if we started out doing some of the things we were planning, Holly, Karen, and Michelle would get to know Rebecca a bit better than they did at the Halloween party, and the few times we saw each other in town. Once they got to know ‘me’ a bit better then we would have our talk with them. It seemed like a good plan at the time.
The other girls arrived a bit before 6 that evening, Holly and Michelle seemed happy to see that I was there and were very friendly. Karen on the other hand, while surprised, looked worried with me being there and kept her distance. I gave her a questioning look to try to figure out what was wrong, but she just sadly shook her head no at me. Hopefully later I could get her alone and figure out what was wrong and why she was upset. For the moment I was just trying to get comfortable and let the night progress as it may.
Jen’s parents were doing the cooking tonight, well Mr. Cook was grilling hamburgers and the rest of us were hanging out and trying to help Mrs. Cook prepare the potato salad and other sides. I kept trying to get Karen off to the side to see what was bothering her, but she was stuck like glue to Holly. I had never really paid that much attention before, but I could see how she was following her around like a puppy dog waiting for scraps. I really felt for her, knowing how she was so smitten with Holly and unable to do anything about it. I think that she realized that I knew how she felt, and that was the cause for her always looking at me like she was. Maybe she was afraid that I might say something and out her, or at least that was what I was thinking at the time.
After we ate and helped Mrs. Cook clean up, we all headed upstairs to let her parents have the living room. At first we were just talking about random things until the girls found out that ‘I’ was starting the next semester with them. They were all excited, I was feeling a lot more comfortable with them and was looking for an opening to let them know the truth when Holly let the bomb drop.
“Jen I really need to ask you something… I heard a rumor… I was going to wait till we were alone, but I can't wait anymore... It’s really bothering me... It’s about Robbie…”, Holly said in a very somber tone. There was something in her voice that immediately caused my anxiety to start rising, and Alicia and Robin obvious felt the same way since they were both looking at me worriedly…
If she already knew about me becoming Rebecca, I started trying to think just how did she know. The only people that knew about me were in this room, then I thought about Dave and then Samantha… I knew that Dave and Karen couldn’t have said anything, at least without drawing attention to their secret. Samantha seemed really cool with me the other day though, and was nice. I couldn’t believe she would do it, but who else could have told? Thinking of all these thoughts made my pulse start to race, and I was trying to stay calm and keep it together. After all the rumor might not have anything to do with, well ‘me’. I was staring at Holly and Jen, when I felt Alicia gently grab my hand and give it a squeeze. When I turned to look at her I noticed her sad eyes, but she gave me a soft smile and squeezed my hand a bit more. It was just enough to help me keep it together and not fully panic.
Jen looked unfazed though, she was staring directly at Holly trying to gage her response. After a few moments she replied, “What rumor would that be?” The way she said those five little words was chilling, it was a cold and flat tone that implied that Holly better proceed with caution.
Holly seemed oblivious though and pressed on, “I heard that Robbie is um… He’s wanting to become a girl, and even is going to be coming back to school as a female next semester… Is that true that he's a tranny? I figure since you're his best friend you would know..”
Jen's shoulders slumped just a bit, this is not the way that any of us had thought this would go down. “Holly I don’t know where you heard that, but it’s a lot more complicated than that. You have to understand what Robbie has gone through…”
“HOLY FUCK?! It IS true! You did know?! How the hell are you still ‘his’ friend knowing that?!” Holly blurted out. It caught everyone off guard, by this time Robin had moved to the opposite side of me from Alicia. She softly grabbed my other hand, I know that they could both feel me trembling. I saw Karen looking at me sadly, and realized now what had been bothering her. Had she been the one that told Holly?
“Of course I’m his friend!!!” Jen exclaimed, anger evident in her voice. “Robbie has been one of the best people I’ve every known, now that he’s a girl hasn’t changed that. Holly you have to listen…”
“I don’t have to listen to a damn thing Jennifer” Holly said, emphasizing her full name. “That’s sick and I can’t imagine how you could stand to be around a sick freak like that!!!” I felt the tears start running down my cheeks. The other girls just sat there stunned, except for Michelle she looked excited and had a wicked smile plastered on her face.
“SHE isn't a sick freak HOLLY!! You know Robbie, and you know how much he would have been willing to help and be there for any of you. He was a really good person, that hasn’t changed!! You have to listen… He was born with a condition, he was only male on the outside.” Jen exclaimed venomously.
“Oh so we have to give in to HIS delusions?!?! You know that’s not right!!! There is only male and female the rest is bullshit and you know it! Anyone claiming otherwise needs to be locked up in a nut house!” Holly fired back. I was in full blown tears at this point and everyone, other than the two girls beside me, were oblivious. Holly had always been nice and friendly to, well everyone, from what I had ever seen. I had never seen this amount of anger and vitriol from her, ever.
“Fuck you Holly!!!” Jen said her eyes burning in anger. “You don’t know a god damn thing, what the fuck is wrong with you. Robbie never did ANYTHING to you to deserve this.”
“Oh yeah?!? Well if that freak wants to live as a girl that’s enough, I don’t need any other excuse. He’s an abomination and the Bible says so.. You go to church, you know I’m right! I also heard he is going to be in gym with us girls!!! Do you really want a guy in the dressing rooms with you?” Holly said grinning evilly.
“I know that Robbie is a good kind person and a better friend than you could ever be, you hateful shit, and he's NOT a guy!!!” Jen said, then for the first time glanced at me… Seeing me upset like I was, her compassion towards me broke her momentum and she sighed, slumping her shoulders. Which didn’t go unnoticed by Holly and Michelle.
It was at that moment that Michelle decided to start adding her two cents, “Can you imagine just how ridiculous he’s going to look? He’s a scrawny geek, he's going to make a hideous looking girl.” She said laughing. This whole time Alicia, Robin and I had been off to the side, at that point though Alicia got up and stepped towards the conversation.
She actually chuckled, which confused me at first. I felt betrayed for just a split second before it clicked when she said, “Really? You think Robbie will look ridiculous?” To which she openly laughed loudly, to which Robin and Jen actually giggled too. Karen though was still remaining quiet and on the other side of the room from us, just staring back and forth and obviously trying to not get involved.
Thinking that they had won, since my three closest friends were laughing, Holly continued on. “Oh yeah he is going to look like a clown, trying to pass himself off like a girl.” She laughed.
Alicia just smirked, “Actually I think you all will be surprised…” Robin and Jen nodded.
“Really surprised”, Jen added with a smirk of her own.
“Wait a second, YOU knew too?!?” Holly exclaimed to Alicia. “What about you kissing him? Doesn’t that make you sick knowing you you made out with a freak like that?!?” Alicia was now pissed and glared at Holly.
“No what made me sick was how I initially reacted when I found out… It took me awhile to realize that Robbie never did anything to hurt me Holly… He had told me that we could only be friends, I didn’t listen and I kept pushing… Thankfully I came to my senses and apologized for how I reacted.. Since then Robbie has become one of my very best friends… SHE is someone I would do anything for..” Alicia said to her defiantly.. At that point Robin let go and stepped forward.
“They are right Holly, listen please… She’s such an amazingly beautiful person, don’t be this way.” Robin pleaded.
Michelle snorted, “Oh so it got to you too? What the hell is wrong with y'all?” She then looked directly at Robin and sneered, “I thought you hated guys anyway… How can you suddenly want to pal around with that pervert!? I thought you were my friend.”
Robin looked stunned, it took her a second to recover then said, “Michelle I am your friend, just because I’m willing to accept who Robbie has become doesn’t change that. I never said I hated guys either, I said I don’t trust them… Why wont any of you listen, she's such a cool person if you would only give her a chance.”
Michelle and Holly both looked disgusted at my friends… My protectors… All that hurt that I was feeling started turning to anger, I silently wiped the tears from my cheeks as Michelle replied, “There isn’t a chance in hell that we would associate with that freak, and if you knew what was best you wouldn’t either.”
This was what I had feared the whole time, my friends, the people who I cared about the most, were going to have to pay for their friendship with me. As much as they had been protecting me, all I wanted to do was return the favor. They shouldn’t have to suffer because of me. While those thoughts were running through my head the argument continued.
“Just what the hell do you mean by that?” Jen growled. Alicia and Robin were also bristling with anger.
“You know exactly what that means! If you want to choose to be friends with that freak over us, you know normal people, than we’re going to make your life hell once everyone finds out you are freak lovers… It’s your choice, for y’alls sake you better make the right one.” Holly threatened.
Quietly I stood up, at first it was hard to find my voice and I was barely able to get out, “Stop it! Just stop it!” The arguing immediately stopped and everyone stared at me confused.
“Rebecca… Look I'm sorry but this doesn't concern you..” Holly started to say, then glared back at Jen and continued, “But SHE brought that freak around to our table and KNEW what he was doing! How dare you do that to us, Jennifer!!”
The guilt I felt for putting my friends through this was overwhelming and tears once again started running down my cheeks. “Holly please… It’s not their fault okay, don't blame them… They were just being good friends…” I sniffed, trying my best to keep from sobbing.
Holly and Michelle both looked confused, after a few seconds Holly looked at me and said, “What are you talking about?!?”
Taking a few breaths to get my resolve back, I looked at her and said as calmly as possible, “Look if you want to talk trash about me fine, go ahead, go ahead and make my life miserable.. it’s not their fault.. Leave them out of it… Please…” Holly just stood there with a confused look on her face, it honestly reminded me of a puppy that had just heard a new noise. It was Michelle that finally figured it out, the look of surprise on her face might have been comical in any other setting.
“What?!? No way!!!” She gasped holding her hands up to her mouth. Jen and Alicia quickly moved beside me, and after a few moments Michelle added, “Oh my god!! You’re Robbie?!? I don’t believe it…”
I slowly nodded, “I was at least… This just happened, I swear I tried my best to be a boy…My body though just changed like this…” I felt Jen and Alicia grasp my hands and Robin put her hand on my shoulder.
Holly finally shook herself out of her shock, glared angrily at me exclaiming, “That's bullshit!! Michelle don't listen to…. IT!!” I grimaced and felt anger starting to rise.
Alicia bristled, “Stop calling her an it Holly, I’m warning you!!”
“Oh so the freak lover is threatening me, you're just as sick as he is” exclaimed Holly.
Letting go of my friend's hands I stepped forward and said coldly, “Damn it Holly, leave them alone!! I didn’t want this!! It just fucking happened!!”
I really wasn’t paying attention, maybe Holly felt threatened by me stepping close to her. Who knows, the next thing I know I was knocked down and the side of my face stung severely. I started to get back up when I hear yelling and some commotion, then I saw Robin and Jen pulling Alicia off Holly who was on her back with her lip bleeding.
“Don’t you dare ever touch her again you bitch!” Alicia yelled, while still struggling to break free from Robin and Jen’s grasp.
I realized we had finally gotten too loud with all the commotion when Mr. Cook suddenly burst in the door. “What the hell…” He started to say, then when he saw the scene it was apparent what had happened. As he looked at my holding the side of my face, the rage in Alicia's face and Holly’s busted lip he quickly figured out what had happened… “Who… hit… who… first…” He asked slowly and deliberately trying to mask his anger.
Holly blurted out, “That freak tried to hit me!!”
“ENOUGH… If you can’t tell me without the name calling don’t speak, understand young lady!” He semi-shouted. All of us froze, I’d never heard him get that mad.
Everything that had happened tonight I realized was my fault… Had I kept being Robbie they wouldn’t be fighting like this, or if I had just distanced myself from them, my friends wouldn’t be getting hurt like this… Crying I spoke, “I’m sorry this is all my fault…”
“You better believe it...”, Holly started to say.
“Holly struck her first Dad! Alicia jumped in to stop her.” Jen blurted out, then put her arms around me and whispered, “Rebecca don't do that, this isn’t your fault.” I just shook my head.
Glaring at Holly now, Mr. Cook said, “Is that true?” All the girls in the room except for Holly nodded.
“Of course you’re going to believe her, she's your daughter. I didn’t do anything but protect myself from that… that… person”, Holly said…
“Well I don’t buy that young lady, and that’s not how it appears to me…” Mr. Cook said flatly.. “I think its time for you to leave, your parents will get a call from me before you get there…
“But…But… Fine, C’mon lets go we don’t need to associate with THEM”, Holly grimaced.
They quickly grabbed their stuff under Mr. Cook’s stern glare, as they started walking out the door Michelle looked at Robin and asked, “So you’re really going to choose him over me? I’ve been your friend for years Robin…”
Robin just looked at her sadly and said, “I’m not the one making a choice… That would be you Michelle…” Michelle then just looked at her coldly, snorted, then walked out of the door behind Holly.
Karen looked at me, then to the door where Holly was waiting in the hall and then back at me.
I understood why she was torn, so I said softly, “You don’t have to leave you know…”
It looked like she was contemplating staying, then Holly shouted, “C’mon Karen let’s go, I’m waiting…”
Karen looked at me and slowly shook her head no, “I... I... can't... I’m sorry, but I can’t be seen associating with the likes of you.” She said the last part loud enough to ensure Holly could hear in the hallway.
After what I knew of her secret, it was like another blow to my face… It hurt, but at the same time it made me angry. “Really Karen? Even after… after…” I almost blurted out her secret, but noticed the horrified look that came across her face… It wasn’t my secret to tell, and I realized I didn’t feel angry at her but only pity… “Do what you have to Karen, good luck with… You know…” She looked like she was about to tear up herself, so she quickly rushed out of the room where Mr. Cook escorted them outside.
Once Jen closed her bedroom door the tension and anger that had filled the room vanished. All I felt now was pain, my own and my friends pain, and guilt from what I had caused. I collapsed to the floor sobbing, I kept apologizing over and over again. I barely felt the three pairs of arms that kept holding me, or Jen’s parent’s checking on me. I don’t know how long we all sat like that before darkness and exhaustion finally claimed me.
The first thing I felt as I woke up, was just how sore the side of my face was. The next thing I noticed was the warmth that was somehow surrounded me. Lying there on my side with my eyes still closed I felt two bodies snuggled up to me, one behind me and one in front of me. Suddenly everything from last night came rushing back to me and fully woke with a start. I saw Alicia asleep in front of me and turned my head enough to tell that Robin was behind me with Jen behind her. The thought of all four of us in Jen's queen sized bed actually make me chuckle, when I laid my head back down on the pillow I found Alicia with her eyes open staring at me with concern.
She softly smiled and said, “Hey, how are you this morning? You sorta worried us a bit, if you haven’t noticed by the Becca sandwich we’ve got going on.” I couldn’t help but giggle softly at that thought before my mind drifted back to all that was said last night.
“I don’t know… That was the reaction that I’ve expected from everyone…” I started to say, before I felt my eyes starting to tear up yet again. “I tried to prepare myself for it…but... When it actually happened… Then how they turned on y’all…” I felt my body starting to shake before I started to cry again in full. “Alicia I’m so sorry….” I said, trying to apologize again, before I couldn’t say anything at all. Alicia had leaned forward pressing her lips against mine and proceeded to giving me a passionate kiss. It caught me so off guard I just returned it for several long moments before I came to my senses.
Pulling back to stare into her vibrant blue eyes, I softly said, “Alicia I can’t… I mean I love it when you kiss me but…”
“I know about you and Paul… It’s okay.. I know nothing can happen between us, I wish it could but…”, She said softly, pausing for a second to compose her thought. “Look Rebecca… I still am highly attracted to you, and I think I am still ‘in love’ with you. While my parents are dealing with what you’re going through… I really don’t know if they could handle… umm… me I guess… Telling them that I’m in love with another girl… Even one as special as you…” She leaned in and gave me a much gentler kiss and softly caressed my cheek. Even though it still hurt, it felt nice to have her gently touching me, it was then I noticed the ace bandage around her wrist.
“What happened to your hand?” I asked, completely forgetting what she had done.
She giggled some before saying, “From when I clocked that bitch… It was worth a sprained wrist for the look on her face after what she did to you.”
I couldn’t help but laugh softly, as I turned and kissed her hand that had been caressing my cheek. “I appreciate it, but please don’t go all Rocky for me okay...” I said with a slight smile. Then with a much more serious tone, “ I don’t want to see you get hurt for me okay.”
She gave me a soft smile and then her eyes twinkled mischievously, and then in the worst Stallone impression ever she said, “Yo Rebecca!!” To which we both broke out in a fit of giggles.
Once we recovered I told her, “Promise me one thing, that you’ll never ever try that again.” Which caused us to lose it again. I stared into her eyes for a few minutes gathering my thoughts and somberly I told her, “Thank you, all of you for putting up with me… I wish you all didn’t have to suffer for being my friend… I’m not worth it…” She gently wiped the tears that had started to run down my face, and then I felt Robin’s arms reach around me and squeeze.
“Rebecca will you just shut it okay? We all have promised to stand by you… The fact that you care more about us than what you're going through… That proves without a doubt you're worth it.” Robin whispered in my ear.
I guess the way Alicia and I had carried on had woken Robin and Jen up, because at that point they all grabbed me in a huge hug. Even though I was emotionally drained and was still crying I was also so thankful that I had these ladies with me. We lay there and chatted and hugged off and on for the next hour before we all got up and showered.
It was late morning before we all went downstairs, and we found Jen’s parents waiting for us so they could start breakfast. They both hugged me and reassured me that eventually everything was going to be okay, but until then that they would be there for me. Once Mrs. Cook checked on my face and Alicia’s hand, we all grouped up in the kitchen to help out with breakfast. While I was still upset with everything, my friends and family helped ease my worries.
Several hours later the girls dropped me off at my house, they all came in to fill my parents in on what had happened. It was then that I remembered I was supposed to let them know what had happened last night, thankfully Jen’s parents had talked to them. While they only slightly fussed at me for not calling they were glad that the girls had been there for me. Both my parents wanted to press charges against Holly, but agreed that since Alicia had decked her to just drop it and hope it would blow over. Once my friends were sure I was going to be okay they headed to their homes. My parents hovered over me most of the night, other than their overprotectiveness it was a peaceful night.
Over the next several days my emotions were all over the place, it didn't help that the prank calls started near the end of the weekend. While the callers never said anything to my parents, if I answered I’d start hearing all the hateful things you could imagine, freak, tranny, pervert to name just a few. It got bad enough Pop had to call the sheriff and we had our number changed a few days later. The girls were over everyday and while they insisted we go out, I stayed a homebody for almost a week. I was truly afraid of what would happen if we got caught out in public. Finally six days into my self imposed exile after my altercation with Holly, Jen finally drug me out, I mean she might as well have literally drug me out and my parents were helping her. She ended up dragging me to Tupelo, it was a 45 minute drive but the chance of running into anyone from Starkville was was almost nonexistent. That was the only way that she convinced me to leave the house.
We had spent most of the day window shopping at the strip malls and just driving around. Just for something to do we even went and saw Elvis’s birthplace and home growing up. I know it sounded lame, but honestly there wasn’t that much to do for a couple of 16 year olds. I felt like a tourist and wasn’t even a full hour away from home, which felt weird but it was still somewhat neat. We were pretty wiped out from the day though and were ready to go home, but Jen insisted that we eat at Red Lobster before we drove back. Since we didn’t have a decent seafood place in Starkville, I readily agreed. It also didn’t hurt that I was also starving, like really starving. I hadn’t had much of an appetite the last week from constantly being worried and upset. Being out and about with my best friend had eased a lot of my worry and my stomach was letting me know in no uncertain terms, “FEED ME!”
Thankfully we got seated in a booth really quickly and were trying to decide what we were going to eat, while munching on the garlic butter biscuits, which were one of my many food weaknesses. I had noticed Jen occasionally looking at her watch, when I asked her what was up she played it off she was just wondering where our waiter had gotten off to. I didn’t think we were in a hurry so I just shrugged and kept trying to decide what I was going to order. With my head stuck in my menu I didn’t feel the huge presence until it was too late and had slid into the booth next to me. Glancing up I saw Perk, the giant offensive lineman had slid in and trapped me in the booth. I immediately panicked and felt my fight or flight response kick in, but there was no where for me to go and no way I could fight trapped like I was. I then noticed that Dave had slid in the booth next to Jen and while I was glancing back and forth between them and Perk I noticed the sad look on their face. I felt my heart rate immediate start racing and I froze..
Grimly, the big man looked down at me and said, “We have to talk…”
To Be Continued...
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Author's Note: First off I want to offer an apology for the delay in getting this chapter finished. My life the last few months have been so busy, with work and family court issues. Luckily things finally are finished on a great note, and my life is finally starting to slow down. Hope you all enjoy this as we are approaching the end of this part of the story. ~Rebecca
It was a simple statement, we need to talk, but I was having trouble processing it being in the full blown panic i was in. I glanced back at Dave and Jen, noting the concern on their faces, and ended up staring up at Perk’s stern visage. Softly I whispered, ”What are you going to do to me?”
His face contorted in confusion, “Huh? What do you mean, what am I going to do to you?”
Jen reached out across the table and grabbed my hand, which startled me and I jumped, “Rebecca.. Calm down its okay… They’re not here to hurt you.”
Dave reached over and slapped the big guys arm and chastised, “Dude! Tone down the Neanderthal a bit, she's freaking out! Look at her!”
It was like the big guy finally looked at me, seeing my panicked expression he quickly raised his huge hands up in surrender. “Shit… No I’m not going to do anything to you, promise…” Seeing me start to calm down and Dave slapping him on the arm again nodding towards me, the big guy added, “Sorry… I wasn’t trying to scare you. Really we’re just here to talk.”
Looking over and seeing Jen and Dave smiling and nodding at me, I just muttered, “Oooookay… What the hell is going on?”
They looked back and forth at each other for a quick second before Jen spoke, “Look I got a call from Dave on Monday and he was asking what was going on, he had heard the rumors flying around… So I told him… Everything… He said he had always thought you were a nice person, albeit a little weird, but he wanted to know the truth. I hope you’re not mad at me, but I figured the truth was better than the rumor…”
“Jen don’t apologize its okay, I trust you…” I said to her, then cast my eyes at Dave. That sneaky ass had figured out a way to be in on the secret without giving away his own, I couldn’t help but smile at him. I told him softly with a knowing smile, “I’m glad you know the truth and are okay with it. So who did you hear it from?”
At that point the big guy next to me hung his head. With a big sigh he said, “That would be me… I heard it from someone that heard it from Holly. It seems that she's been telling anyone that would listen some pretty horrible stuff. I’m sorry…”
Confused at his apology I asked him, “You weren’t the one that told the rumor, why are you apologizing?”
“I guess because I believed it, and I did spread it… To that squirt.” He said as he motioned to Dave and then looked back at me. “So for that, I'm sorry… He said the whole thing sounded pretty far fetched, since we both knew you… Well Robbie… Which I guess is you… Ugh” He muttered as he ran his hands over his face and through his hair before returning his gaze at me.. “I'm sorry but this is just a little bit freaky… I can’t picture you as him… I know they both say you are, but…” He looked frustrated.
“Trust me I understand that… Hell its freaky from my point of view too. My entire life I thought I was supposed to be a boy, and then this started happening.” I said trying to put him at ease.
“I can’t even imagine… Hell I don’t want to try to imagine.” He said with a shudder. “I take it that this was the reason you were… um… having problems the last few years?” I just nodded then he continued, “Anyway Dave told me to give him a chance to figure out what was going on. I figure that’s when he talked to Jen and then got back to me… He didn’t give me much info, other than what Holly was spreading were lies and that you really didn’t have a choice in… well this…” He said sheepishly. I could tell he was uncomfortable, but he was trying.
“Do you want to hear everything?” I asked him, and he just nodded. I then proceeded to tell him my story, starting with how my body started developing, all the testing, the testosterone injections, finding out about my androgen insensitivity, to the eventual ‘corrective’ surgery. I ended my story on the day that everything happened and my run in with them in the school parking lot. While Jen of had course heard everything before, Dave hadn’t heard it all, and then of course Perk just sat there looking at his hands on the table.
We sat there, everyone weighing in on what they heard. Jen reached across the table and gave my hand a small squeeze. Finally Perk, was the first to speak,”Whoa…” was all he said. Slowly he turned and looked at me, his big brown eyes just stared at me silently for a few moments before he softly said, “That… That’s horrible… That explains a lot though… I don’t think I could have dealt with all that…”
Still clutching Jen’s hand, “Well having some incredible friends made the difference.” I looked and smiled at both Jen and Dave and softly whispered, “I wouldn't be here had it not been for my friends.” The big guy next to me just nodded softly.
It was at that moment that our waitress interrupted our discussion to take our orders, it was the break we needed from the seriousness of the situation. While we waited for our food to arrive Dave suggested that we change the subject to something a bit lighter while we ate, which we all did thankfully. While talking about what had happened to me was getting easier, it was still emotionally draining and I was thankful for the more upbeat conversation. Throughout the meal though I could tell Perk was in deep thought, he didn’t talk too much and kept looking over at me. During the beginning of the meal the stares he gave me were still of shock and disbelief. As the meal progressed though I noticed that he was starting to loosen up some and those stares finally stopped. It was like he was becoming comfortable with me as Rebecca, well at least until our waitress brought the checks.
As she sat down two receipts, one in front of Dave and the other in front of Perk she said, “Can I get anything else for the two lovely couples?” Immediately three of us started to chuckle, it took the big guy a few seconds longer to realize what she had said.
“Huh? What?” He stammered as he realize she thought I was his date, to which the three of us started to unsuccessfully hide our laughter. “Wait no, we’re not together.” He glanced at the three of us laughing and his face started to redden, at first I thought he was getting angry until I realized he was just blushing.
Jen came to his rescue, and said while trying to hide her giggle, “Umm we’re not couples just friends, but her and I are on one ticket and those two goofs can fend for themselves.”
Our waitress apologized and as she left to correct our bills Dave and Jen started joking with Perk. His face was still a slight shade of red, so I told them to give it a rest.
“You alright?” I asked him.
He sighed, “Yeah… Sorry that just caught me off guard... In my head I am still thinking of you as Robbie and I'm not… well… umm you know…”, he sighed and looked around and barely whispered the last word, “umm gay…”
I couldn’t help but emit a small giggle, softly I told him, “It’s okay ya big goof, I understand. If it makes you feel any better I haven’t really been remotely a guy in a few years, if I ever was one. It’s taken me a long time to get used to it and I understand.” I then noticed he looked down, and without realizing it I had put my hand on his forearm and had given it a small squeeze. Quickly I pulled my hand back, “Sorry about that…” I blushed, here I am trying to keep from freaking the guy out and then I go and do something so feminine without even realizing it.
He looked at me for a split second before he smiled, “It’s cool…” He then stares me right in the eyes for a moment and continues, “You really are a girl… I mean inside and out…”
Slightly confused at his comment I tell him, “Well yeah… That’s what we’ve been telling you, with the way my body formed and the surgery…”
“No that’s not what I meant, I meant up here too.” He remarked as he softly touched the side of my head with his finger. “I mean I’m watching you this whole time and everything, and I mean everything, is telling me you are a girl. Not just the way you look, but how you act.”
“Oh”, was all I could say. While I had known that I was becoming more feminine actually hearing someone else comment made me start wondering was I trying to act more feminine or was it just me?
Breaking the moment of awkward silence Perk asked, “So you’re coming to school next semester as Rebecca right?” I just nodded, which made him pause and think. “Aren’t you worried about what people are going to do, or say?”
“Well yeah of course I am, who wouldn't be?” I asked him.
“Then why do it at all? Couldn’t you transfer to the academy or even home school?” He asked worriedly.
I shrugged, “I guess I could, but Starkville High is my school. It’s where my friends are.”, I say confidently while smiling at Jen and Dave. “Look of course I’m worried, actually I’m terrified of what could happen.” Thinking of my fears made me pause and mouth dry out so I took a few sips of my tea.
“Like I said then why do it?” He asked again.
“Because…”I started, then had to take a deep breath. “Because I am terrified… Look dude, I’ve been afraid as long as I can remember… I’ve been hiding for as long as I can remember… I can’t hide, I can’t run away… This is who I am, and who I was meant to be… I’m not going to run from this and hide… Not anymore!” My voice started to break as I finished that statement and as usual my eyes started to tear up so I grabbed my napkin to dry them. I noticed that Perk shoulders had slumped and he was looking down in deep thought. “Look I know its crazy, but..” He then interrupted me.
“No Rebecca, its not. Not at all… It’s brave, really fucking brave…”, He said solemnly… “I don’t think I could handle that… Actually I know I couldn’t. You’re pretty fucking incredible…” Then the big guy really caught me off guard by wrapping his huge arm around my shoulders and pulling me into a hug. I wish he’d learn just how strong he was, I thought for a second he was going to dislocate something when he squeezed me. As he rested his cheek on the top of my head he said softly, “ I’ve got your back okay.”
At that proclamation I started to get choked up again and stuttered, “B-b-but why? I mean why would you do that for me Perk?”
He had let go of the hug and now had his hands clasped tightly on the table as he took a few deep breaths. “Because I owe it to you, all that and more…”
“No you don’t!” I exclaimed, “You don’t owe me anything, let alone if you stand up for me what would people say about you? Are you willing to deal with that?” I started getting mad at him, he doesn't realize what it would cost him, or at least what I thought it would cost him.
“God will you just shut up and listen! Damn you really are a girl!” He exclaimed, then he noticed the look Jen was giving him so he decided to tread lightly. He gave Jen a smirk then turned to me more seriously, “Yes I do owe you, because of you I’ve gotten everything I have right now.” At my confused look he started to chuckle, then continued, “You know I got a full blown football scholarship to State don’t you?” I nodded, still confused. “I got that from my ability on the field.”
“Well duh that’s pretty obvious, what does that have to do with me?” I asked him.
“Who do you think helped me stay on that field the last 3 semesters, when my grades were sucking like they were.” He told me, which immediately made my eyes widen in realization what the big lug was saying. “So I do owe you, for everything. Besides people can think whatever the fuck they want, I’ve only got one more semester here anyway. If someone wants to try, they can try to kick my ass nobody’s gotten the best of me yet…” He said confidently, while Jen and Dave had both been silently watching the conversation they both let out a loud laugh. Perk looked at them like what the hell is wrong with you two.
After a good laugh Dave finally said, with his mouth turned up in his signature shit eating grin, “Well I know one person who sat you on your ass pretty quick.” Perk glared at him for a second and his ears started to turn red before he let out a loud chuckle.
“Well yeah, but I was caught off guard, and the sun was in my eyes… So it doesn’t really count…” He then turned to me and with his big toothy grin, “As I said, I’ve got your back Rebecca. I’m not going to let anyone fuck with you, not when I’m around. You got that?” I just nodded in amazement, afraid of saying anything at the moment. Then he continued, “I’ll also make sure the team has your back too.”
That surprised me, “Umm just how do you expect to do that?” I asked.
“Think about it, just how many of the first string have you helped keep their grades high enough to play? I’d assume over half, if not its close. I’ll just have to remind them of that. If that doesn’t work, you know people get hurt all the time in practice… They’ll back you up, or else” He told me with a certainty that frightened me.
There was a bit of silence as the weight of his words sunk in, what he was promising me. I was totally at a loss for words, leave it up to Dave to break up the seriousness. “When he tells them, I’ll explain your situation thought. I don’t really want to help him with the bigger words.” We all looked at the shit eating grin on his face for a few moments before we all laughed.
Well all were laughing but Perk, he was glaring at Dave before he smirked, “Ok you little shit, you know I’m going to make you pay for that…” Then chuckled.
Smiling Dave just responded, “Yeah probably, but it will still be worth it.” Which got us all to chuckle.
While we were laughing our waitress brought our respective checks, and while we were settling up we continued to joke around some leaving the serious conversation behind us. When the two guys walked us to our car I gave Dave a huge hug and then as I turned to Perk I paused. I was worried about freaking him out anymore than I already had, especially after all that he had promised me. The next thing I knew he stepped up and wrapped his giant arms around in me a huge bear hug and lifted me off the ground. I couldn't help but squeal in the helplessness of the situation but he just sat me down grinning.
I softly put my hand up on the center of his chest and said sincerely, “Thank you Perk, thank you so much.”
He gently, which was was still pretty hard, patted my hand, “It’s the least I can do for you okay. You were always a pretty good dude, and I can tell you’re a pretty cool chick, maybe even cooler now. One thing I hate is to see good people mistreated. You’re good people, all three of you.”
We said our goodbyes and they waited for Jen and I to get the car started before they turned to walk away. The 45 minute ride home was mostly in silence, both of us were weighing in on what had happened during supper. Moments like now, when I felt the support of my friends and family, completely overwhelmed me. Jen must have felt, or understood what I needed at the moment. She gently reached over and took my hand and held it for almost the entire ride home. When she dropped me at home we both just hugged for everything we were worth.
“Jen I can’t thank you enough, for… for… everything.” I whispered in her ear as I hugged her. I mean this was the girl that had stood by me, no matter how bad things had ever gotten. She was the one that pulled me out of my depression, days before I was going to end it. She was who was with me as I took each tentative step towards being me. Through her actions I was able to reconcile with my parents, who had helped me to find friends who were going to stand by me. Friends who were going to stand up for me. I never in a million years would ever figure out what I had done to deserve a friend like her. I finally gave her a soft squeeze and through my tears I whispered, “I love you Jennifer Anne Cook, with all my heart. I can never thank you enough for being in my life.”
I could feel her tears on my cheek as she held on to me, “I know. I love you too. I should be thanking you though. You’ve been my best friend for as long as I can remember, and to be a witness to your journey… I’m thankful that you’re letting me be here for you.” She gently let go of our hug and started to pull back, only to rest her forehead on mine, before saying, “PNC’s forever right?”
I couldn't help but smile at our old, partners n crime reference, I just replied, “Damn right, you better believe it’s forever.” We let go of each other and she waited in her car until I got inside.
No sooner did I walk into the house, Mom was right there like she had been waiting by the door for me. She immediately saw my streaked makeup and knew I had been crying. “Baby what’s wrong?!? Did it not go like she had said?!?”
That surprised me and I asked, “You knew what she had planned?” I was torn between being upset and thankful.
“Yes I knew, we’d been talking for a few days sweetie. We were worried that you were going to start hiding in your room again. She told us about your two friends and how they had wanted to help too. Did it not go well? Why are you crying? Baby please talk to me.”
The feeling of being betrayed by my parents and friends quickly dissipated, they were only looking out protecting me. Ironically protecting me from myself, go figure. I quickly grabbed my mom in a hug and barely got the words through my sniffles, “I’m crying because… Because it went so good… What have I done to deserve you and my friends… I had been so hard on all of you, for so long… I pushed everyone away… Why have you all stuck by me like you have?”
She pulled back from the hug so she could lay her hands on my cheeks gently making me look at her, “Baby you were hurting… More than any of us could imagine… YOU though, have always been worth it, and so much more. Don’t ever doubt that, ever!” I tried to nod but she held my head firmly, “Look at the people around you, the ones sticking by you… Have you ever stopped and thought about the difference that you’ve been in their life? I think you would be hard pressed to find anyone of them that you haven't helped, or influenced their life for the better. You have that effect on those around you.”
I started to think about all the people in my life, well the important ones at least. How had I influenced their lives, it took me a second to start wrapping my head around it. I started thinking how more open, fun loving, and vibrant Alicia had become, what Perk had told me about his scholarship, Robin on how being there was finally helping her move beyond her past, then I thought about Jen. Our friendship almost predates my memories and back when she was a tomboy she intimidated most of the kids, a lot of it was due to her lack of confidence and so she overcompensated by being an even bigger tomboy. She had never intimidated me for some reason, and even at a young age I thought she was special and could do anything she wanted. From the moment we had met we had just somehow clicked, and over the years I had always encouraged her. The more she started believing in herself the less she overcompensated and started to become the Jen that I know and love now. In a funny way by helping her believe in herself I had helped her become more feminine, guess she just finally repaid the favor.
I assume as all that info started to sink in my facial expression changed because mom softly said, “You get it now don't you?” She had eased up her grip enough that I could nod slowly.
“Yeah I am, or at least I’m starting to.” I softly admit to her.
We sat down at the kitchen table and talked for almost an hour, mostly about how my evening had gone. We also covered my fears that I was still struggling with, but also noting how each day those fears were starting to dwindle. As we headed to bed we shared a long hug as we told each other how much we loved each other.
As I was lying in bed thinking about what Mom had said, and what my friends had promised me, I was still holding on to my stuffed ewok. Wicket was my old stuffed ‘bear’ that I had dragged out of retirement, meaning my closet, several months ago to resume his job of consoling me when my world turned upside down. I turned to lie on my back and set him on my stomach, staring at the silly old bear, and realized I no longer felt the need to cuddle with him. I no longer needed the reassurance that an old stuffed animal could provide. Softly I whispered as I straightened out his fur, “Old friend you’ve always been there, but you know I have some friends now that are going to let you take a break from watching over me.” I started to get up and put him back in the closet, but looking at him that no longer felt right. Giving him a quick hug I sat back down on my bed and cleared a spot on my headboard for him. There he can stay in case I need him again, always within reach. To this day he has always had a place on my headboard.
I woke up early the next morning from a restful and dreamless sleep, at first I thought I had overslept for my Saturday run with Paul but then remembered he still wasn't due back till right at the New Years. I really didn’t want to run alone this morning so decided to just relax for a bit until I heard my parents stirring. Once they had finished their morning rounds in the bathroom I finally got out of bed and got in the shower.
Once I had gotten my morning routine finished I met my parents in the kitchen and saw Mom had put all the stuff out for one of my breakfast omelets, but hadn’t started cooking anything. When she saw me staring at all the stuff she just looked at me and raised her eyebrows. Taking her hint I ask with a smirk, “Did you set all this stuff out just for me?”
Returning my grin Mom just replied, “Well I was going to cook, but since you offered.”
Trying to act upset I said in a non-convincing huff, “You two better be glad I love you…” I tried my hardest not to laugh, I think I lasted 3 maybe 4 seconds before Mom and busted out laughing.
“Seriously though, your omelets are far better than any I can make. Do you want some help?” She asked me.
“No I’m good, I don’t mind. You two just read the paper. I’ve got this.” I told her confidently.
“Oh by the way, I put the big pan there. I’ve got a few friends that will here soon, so could you please make some extra okay.” She said smiling.
“Sure Mom, anyone I know?” I asked.
“I’m sure you’ve met them a few times.” Was all she said. The look on her face told me that she wasn’t going to tell me who, so I dropped it. I was just finishing up when the surprise guests arrived. I had my back towards the door trying to deal with flipping the huge omelette when I got tackled by my three friends.
“HEY STOPPIT!!” I shouted trying to escape the death hug they had put me in. “Let me go, I’m trying to cook!”
Laughing hard, Mom stepped up to the stove and started tending to finishing what I had started. “I’ll finish up, you three set the table and fix drinks up.”
Breaking away from the laughing girls I gave them all, including Mom, a stern look and asked, “Y’all planned this didn't you?” All four of them gave me this innocent look that a blind man could tell was bull, like they were saying who us? I couldn’t help but laugh at the four fakers, and just said, “Thanks, all of you.”
Jen just smiled and said, “Hey that’s what family are for.” They each then came up and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Well all but Alicia, even with my parents right there she gave me a hug and a small kiss right on the lips. I saw mom’s eyebrows raise up, I just shrugged my shoulders at her.
Once we had set 7 places at our breakfast table, which normally only sat 4, we all had a good visit. After we ate my mom and dad gave all the girls a hug and thanked them profusely for being there for me. They then told me to get ready for the day, we were all going last minute Christmas shopping. I tried to complain that I had already finished mine, but no one was going to let me sit at the house. So after half an hour of them helping me get ready, I didn’t even get a pick of what I wanted to wear. While we had a warm snap the last few days it was a cool day in the low 50’s I was wanting to wear jeans and a sweater, but since the girls were all a bit more dressy, they all quickly veto’d that idea. It was one of my sweater dresses and leggings paired with a pair of my low heeled ankle boots.
While I had loved this outfit when I got it, the dress hugged my body and showed off my curves quite well. The problem I had with it was over the last month or so I had gotten another growth spurt, and no I hadn’t gotten taller. My ‘girls’ had grown another cup size, looks like all the women in my life were well endowed and it looked like I was going to be no different. I started to complain how I felt like I was looking like a stripper the way the dress hugged my D’s, but everyone including Mom told me I looked incredible.
With me finally giving in we shortly left and headed into town, while I still felt uncomfortable with what could happen if we ran into the wrong person, I quickly felt how being around my friends overshadowed any fears. We ended up having a really great day, while we did run into a few people from school they never once gave me a second look. I finally realized that even if they had heard the rumors that they would think like my old ‘friends’ and the Robbie they remembered could never look like I do. We got in a bit before supper, mostly due to except for Wal-Mart most of the stores closed at 5PM no matter what. Once we had all eaten, my friends all headed home and left me and my parents to have a quiet night watching some VHS movies until bedtime.
My sisters and their families arrived early in the afternoon the next day, and while I was nervous it went really well. Of course they were surprised at how the new ‘me’ looked, but quickly things returned to normal, or well at least a new normal. Before the day was over they were all treating me like I had always been Rebecca, even my nieces and nephew. After the third game of trivial pursuit, me and Pop were on the same team and were undefeated to which the other team groaned that it was unfair.
While I still woke up early on Christmas morning at 7AM, when I walked into the living room it looked like my nieces and nephew had been up for hours with all the strewn paper on the floor. Knowing that with the noise the kids were making that the adults would be up soon I went and started a pot of coffee and started breakfast. This time I went with a bit more standard meal, was just too many mouths to make enough omelettes for.
The rest of the day was actually pretty much a normal Christmas Day, well normal for my family at least. I did get to help with Christmas dinner, other than deep frying the turkey. Pop and my brothers-in-law took over that mess. I did receive mostly clothes and make-up for presents, including several new 38D bra’s which I was definitely thankful for. Later that evening my friends came over and since their families ate a big lunch for the day they all came and gorged with us. With the way my Mom cooks for the family there was still plenty for everyone to eat leftovers for a few days.
My friends and I exchanged gifts later that night in my room, they had said some might be questionable to open in front of the kids and adults. I was actually afraid of what they had bought for me, the first gift I had opened they told me to promise to wear it the 1st day back in school. It was a bra and panty set, and were the most beautiful and lacy set I had ever seen. They wouldn’t tell me why, but that it would be important for me to wear it that day. I just shrugged and moved on to the other presents, finally when I went to open the last one they were grinning ear to ear which made me nervous. When I opened it, it actually took me several moments to realized what it was. When I realized that my whole body blushed something fierce. My friends had given me my first vibrator… I thought I was going to die from embarrassment… I almost hit Jen when she told me just wait till they leave to try it out.
After my friends had left and we all had turned in I was reminiscing about the day and the last few months. While tempted I couldn't bring myself to reopen let alone try my new ‘gift’, I was going to definitely get them back. This had been one of the best Christmases that I could remember, and I even loved all of my gifts, well almost all of them. As it turned out, my best Christmas gift was yet to come, it arrived the next morning.
To Be Continued...
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Author's Note: This one is a fairly short chapter, what I intended to be the last chapter of this part of the story would have been too much for just one chapter. Yeah I did say the last one, while Rebecca's story, the one I want to tell, is far from over I am bringing Revelation to a close. It's just time, Robbie is now someone in the past and is gone, and there is no more Revelation to explore. Hopefully I will be wrapping this up before the end of the week. Happy 4th everyone. ~Rebecca
The best of my presents though, I didn’t get on Christmas, but the day after. It arrived a bit before noon. I had been playing with my nephew Will, since they had arrived he had been begging me to play my old Atari. The funny thing about 8 year olds was the change in my gender was no big deal, I still had the cool old video games that we had always played when they visited. Admittedly my sisters and their husbands never once treated me badly when they arrived, but there was a small time where the confusion was apparent. They had been wondering had I changed enough that I was a completely different person. It had taken several hours before they had seen I was the same person, just without the overwhelming depression. Not so with Will though, the precocious 8 year old just shrugged off that I was now Rebecca and started begging me to hook up the Atari.
We were in the middle of playing Frogger on my old 2600, taking turns on a two player game, when my Mom called for me. I handed my controller to Will and started to get up to see what Mom was calling me about. Will got excited and asked if he could play both players, I just told him yes and ruffled his hair on my way out of my room. I was softly giggling with him not caring if I left him alone, it just meant he got to play more. When I entered the living room everyone was smiling at me, as she noticed my confused expression Mom told me something had arrived for me and pointed towards the dining room. I turned to see what she was talking about and then I saw my ‘gift’, it was Paul just standing there in our dining room. I knew that he wasn’t supposed to be back from his parents till after the new year, which caused me to be confused why he was here now, then I remembered our last conversation and I began to break out in a huge smile. I had known I had missed him, even though we had only talked a few times on the phone. It was really expensive to call with instate long distance, so I hadn't been able to talk to him too much. With him standing there I realized now just how much I had missed him, as I felt my heart start to race and my cheeks started feeling flush. With my heart caught in my throat I wasn’t able to say anything, so I pretty much just stood there like an idiot until after he spoke.
“Hi.” He told me with a huge smile and his eyes staring straight into mine. “After you told me what the other girls had done… I… umm…” He looked at my parents and family seeming pretty nervous. “I just had to get back up here to see how you were doing… I’m sorry, should I have called first? I didn’t know all your family was here…” I realized that he was worried about me and had cut his visit with his parents short, so he could come back early, just for me… I just shook my head slowly no, before a smile started lighting up my face.
I was hesitant at first, to do what I wanted with my entire family there watching us, but after a few quick agonizing moments I threw caution to the wind as I sprinted the small distance between us. I caught him, and probably everyone else, off guard as I wrapped my arms around him as tight as I could. It took him only a split second for him to return the hug. I couldn’t help but feel my eyes start tearing up.
“Hey are you okay?” He whispered in my ear. “You’re trembling something fierce.”
“Yeah, I’m doing okay, I’m even better now though, I’m great. You’re here…” I whispered back. “Not that I’m complaining at all, but you really didn’t have to cut your visit short with your family.”
“Yeah I kind of did… You sounded so upset after how Holly and the other girls treated you… It’s been killing me not to be able to do this.”, He told me as he backed up just enough to look into my eyes.
Looking at his eyes and seeing the concern and caring, dare I hoped maybe love, I felt this warmth spreading through me. I had completely forgotten the other 7 people watching us, focusing only on Paul I leaned forward and kissed him for everything I was worth which he readily returned. I really have no idea how long the kiss lasted, we were pulled out of my our kiss from Pop clearing his throat. Suddenly remembering that we had an audience I pulled away from Paul and felt the embarrassment flush my cheeks
Glancing around at my family quickly, I saw that everyone, besides mom, was staring at Paul and I like we’re from another planet or something. Mom, on the other hand, had had a huge smile on her face. Looking back at Paul I saw the same flush in his cheeks that I could definitely feel in mine. We had stepped back enough to break our hug but our hands had found the others, so we just clasped hands for a second before I looked around and acknowledged my family.
“Umm, sorry about that… I sorta got a little carried away…” I mumbled.
“Just a little young lady?” Pop said trying to sound like ‘The Colonel’ but was failing pretty miserable.
“Oh hush you!” Mom chastised my dad. “She hasn’t seen him in over a week, and with the week she's had..” Glancing back at Pop I noticed the slight smirk he was trying to hide. Mom then came up and gave us both a hug, which was a bit difficult at the same time since we both towered over her. When she released us from her hug she started to giggle and whispered to me, “Honey don’t you think you need to change?”
I immediately remembered I was still in my sleepwear, a long t-shirt and cotton shorts. I had only thought my embarrassment at kissing my boyfriend like that in front of my family was bad. For a lazy morning with the family it wouldn’t have ever been an issue in my house. The problem now was, without a bra on and that kiss… The sleep shirt had become entirely too tight for comfort. “Oh my GOD!!” I blurted out, with my face, neck and chest burning a bright red. Everyone then noticed exactly what mom had and started laughing, except for Paul. He looked like he was ready to run at a moments notice, unsure of how my family might respond after our display.
“C’mon son lets go sit in the kitchen while the girls go to the back of the house.”, Pop told Paul as he put his arm around his shoulder. I could see Paul gulp and nod okay.
When mom and I got to my room it took us a few minutes to run Will off my game and back to the living room. I flopped down on my bed still slightly embarrassed. “Mom… I’m sorry about that in there… I didn’t mean to… I mean… Uhh… I don’t know what got into me…” I said softly, hoping she wasn’t too mad.
She started to softly chuckle, “Baby you don’t have to apologize for that… Now if you’d thrown him down on the floor right there.. I don’t know what we’d have done…”
“MOM!!”, I blurted out before she could go any further, which just caused her to really laugh hard. “I wouldn't.. I mean we wouldn't…” I stopped for a moment to gather my wits, of course Mom laughing at me like she was wasn’t helping in the slightest… “What I’m trying to say is… I’m nowhere near ready for… you know?.?. THAT…” I was not ready for this conversation with my Mom, with my boyfriend getting the ‘talk’ from Pop. The whole situation was surreal.
As she started to regain control of her laughing, and had stifled it to the occasional giggle. She told me, “Sweetie I know you aren't, and I still believe we can trust you on that… Your face though, as soon as you saw him… I haven’t ever seen you smile that big. You really do care about him don’t you?”
Smiling sheepishly I said, “Yeah mom, I do.”
“Do you think you love him?” She asked me more seriously.
I was unsure of the answer at first. “Mom I don’t know… I mean, maybe?”, I said without much conviction. Then I started thinking about the first time I met him and how infuriating he was, but how I had also started looking forward to seeing him on my runs. The conversations that we had, and the verbal sparring we did, and how our friendship had started. Then I remembered that meltdown he witnessed and how he comforted me, how he was so patient when it counted and funny when it was needed. I also slightly blushed at the memory of our first kiss, when he tried to prove to me I didn’t have to worry about him leaving me after I told him my secret. It was then that our friendship, which I had already grown to cherish, sudden become, well more…
I was deep in thought when I felt mom put her hand on mine and give it a soft squeeze. I looked up her and smile, and said softly, “I think I really do Mom… Is that weird? I mean I used to be a…”
“Rebecca don’t, just stop it okay. It doesn’t matter who or what you used to be, or who you thought you should be… What’s important is who you are now, and even with him knowing about your past it looks like he’s only worried about who you are right now…” She told me. Using her other hand she placed it on my cheek and eased my face up to look at her, “Baby I think its time for you to focus on who you are right now. Sweetie right now you are a smart, funny, caring, beautiful young lady, who has a young man that obviously cares a lot about you.”
That thought made me smile, I softly said, “He really does, doesn't he?” Mom just smiled and enveloped me in a warm conforming hug, the type of hug that only mom’s can give.
Once our conversation was over, it only took me about 20 minutes to get ready. After my ‘showing’ earlier I made sure I was fully covered in jeans, sweater, and a bra this time. Once I had applied a very light dusting of makeup we left my room to see how Paul was faring with Pop. I had been worried about how that conversation was going, but it turned out that I didn’t need to worry. When we walked in, the conversation they were having wasn’t even about me or our relationship. With Pop being a chemist, and Paul planning on being a chemical engineer, I sort of understood their conversation but it was on a depth I hadn't ever discussed before.
Pop looked up at us and smiled at me, “Honey I like this boy. He’s got a good head on his shoulders.”
I laughingly said, “You’re only saying that cause he's into chemistry too.” That caught him off guard, but before he could try to defend his position I said, “I like him too Dad, a lot.” Pop just stood up and gave me a hug and a kiss on my cheek.
He whispered in my ear, “He feels the same for you honey, I did mean what I said about liking him. He has really good taste” Then he stood back and said with more volume so everyone could hear, “ And it isn’t only because of chemistry either. Well at least, you know, that kind of chemistry.” He then winked at me, and realizing what he meant made me blush profusely. I caught Paul smirking as he stood up, and gently gave me a hug and a light quick kiss.
“Thank you for everything Paul, and I mean everything.” I said looking directly into his soft brown eyes.
“You don’t have to keep thanking me, but you are welcome… So umm.. Are you going to officially introduce me to your family?” He asked with a big smirk.
“Oh yeah!” I exclaimed, then a bit more sheepishly I added, “I was a bit distracted sorry…” He just grinned as I then introduced him to everyone, as my boyfriend. With what they had witnessed, while they probably didn’t need the confirmation, but I had to make it official by saying it out loud.
He spent the rest of the day with us, and most of the evening just hanging out with my family. It didn’t take my nephew very long to pull both of us back into to my room to play the Atari some more, which we really didn’t mind, after all we were both geeks and/or nerds so an afternoon of gaming wasn't a bad thing. We spent several hours running through all my games, usually at the whim of an 8 year old. Lunch was sort of a free for all, with food sat out and you just grabbed as you went. The afternoon was just spent spending time with my family, with the both of us cuddled next to each other on the couch holding hands and trying not to make a scene. Well at least too much of a scene.
While I appreciated their efforts, they didn’t know that Paul knew everything. At first, my sisters were obviously trying to tiptoe around the fact I used to be a boy with Paul. I do give them credit for not trying to ‘out’ me to my boyfriend, it was actually Paul who told them he already knew I used to be Robbie, once he realized what they were doing. I decided to let him tell them the story of how he had found out, I simply wanted to hear how he remembered the evening. Their response to his answer when asked what did he do when I told him almost made me fall off the couch laughing. The wide eyed looks of surprise when he simply said with a grin while looking directly at me, “I kissed her, I only know how amazing Rebecca IS and everything else just didn't matter. It was the only thing I could do.”
Towards the end of the night, I had walked Paul to his car and we shared a long tender hug and a kiss, which I knew we had an audience once I noticed the way the curtains fluttered when I turned to walk back inside. As soon as I walked in the house, my sisters pulled me into the kitchen to have me tell them everything. I think it was that moment that we truly bonded as sisters, after I told them how we had met and some of the silly things he did that both irritated me, and made him more enduring at the same time. They then started sharing stories of how they and their husbands met, and other similar storied they had. Most of these I had never heard, they were just things a ‘brother’ never got to talk to ‘his’ sisters about.
I was lying in bed that night trying to get my brain to slow down so I could get some sleep, thinking about how this had been the best day of my young life so far. I then remembered how many of those days that I had had in the last few months. I remembered many days where I had thought the exact same thing, that ‘this’ day was the best I’ve ever had. Then another day came that surpassed that one, then another and another. I then thought about Paul and how he had been there for me so many times, without me even asking him to. I couldn’t believe just how lucky I had been to have him in my life and then I started thinking about the kiss he had given me when I walked him to his car.
Remembering how his lips had felt as they brushed against my own, and how his hands firmly but still gently caressed my back and sides started to make my body feel all tingly. Before I realized it I had gotten myself worked up too far to stop when I remembered something else. I quickly got up to make sure my bedroom door was locked, and then opened my ‘other’ present I received from my girl friends… All I will say is, WOW!!! Which was exactly the thought I had as I drifted off into the most peaceful and restful nights sleep I had ever had..
To Be Continued...
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Author's Note: I wanted to personally thank all of those who have read and left comments. You all have made me feel a lot better about sharing the musings of a mad transwoman’s mind. Hehe. I couldn’t quite finish Robbie’s Revelation with this chapter, so here in the next few days I will be posting the epilogue. Again though… Thank you… ~Rebecca
I was lying in my bed, in the middle of an extremely pleasant dream, when I felt my Mom trying to wake me. “Honey, it’s really late and you need to get up… Are you okay?”
I stretched while lying there, feeling really rested and relaxed. Looking up at mom I noticed that she had a worried expression, so I smiled, as I stretched trying to let her know I was okay. When I was finished with my stretch I told her, “Mom I’m okay, guess I was just sleeping really well. What’s wrong?”
“Honey, it’s a quarter past ten… I just… Well, I don’t remember the last time you’ve slept this late. I was beginning to get really worried.” She told me as she sat down on my bed and using her fingers brushed some of my hair away from my face.
“That’s really weird…” I say, trailing off for a moment. I mean I hardly ever slept past 7AM, and never past 9. I started thinking what could have made me so relaxed that I slept this late when I suddenly remembered the ‘gift’ I had tried out last night, which made me quickly look to the small bookshelves that also doubled as my bed stand. I saw on the top shelf where I had sat ‘it’ after wrapping it up in my underwear, after my omg moment last night I wasn’t really in any state of mine to worry about hiding it again. Normally I’d have been up in plenty of time to take care of cleaning and hiding it anyway. I quickly tried to avert my eyes so my mom didn't see what I glanced at, but I wasn't quick enough.
“Oh my!!!”, was the only thing she said as her eyes opened wide. She quickly placed her hand over her mouth in obvious shock, she then turned away from me.
“Mom! I’m so sorry!!!” I exclaimed, quickly sitting up and trying to hide the partially wrapped up vibrator. I looked around for a few quick seconds and with no other place to put it, I shoved it under my mattress like that would somehow undo what she had already seen. My entire body felt flushed and I could tell my arms, chest and face were warm from embarrassment. I turned to look at her, “Mom… Please… I’m so sorry…” My voice faltered, staring at her back and the way her shoulders were shaking it looked like she was sobbing. I begged, “Mom please… I didn’t mean… please don’t be mad…” I was silently praying to God, or anyone that might be listening to somehow get me out of this situation.
I was so afraid of what my Mom was thinking, especially with what she had just seen. She hadn’t turned around to face me yet and the way she was covering her face with her hands it was obvious she was upset. While it seemed like several minutes had passed to me, it was probably less than 15 seconds that passed before she started making any noises at all. The muffled whimpers I heard coming from her were in perfect rhythm with her shoulders that were still shaking softly. There was no doubt in my mind at this point that she was upset with me, I just didn’t know how much. Afraid of saying anything, I simply slumped down quietly against my head board as I felt the tears forming and start trickling down my cheeks. Each passing moment her soft whimpers started grown louder as she couldn’t contain the emotion she was feeling, and each one caused my shame to build. The louder she got, the less it sounded like she was sobbing, with my confusing and embarrassment it took me much longer than it should have to realize she wasn’t crying… She was laughing!
My embarrassment and shame that I was feeling quickly changed into confusion. They bewildered look on my face just set my Mom off even more, which only morphed my confusion into anger. I finally blurted out, “MOM!!! Stop its not funny!!!” With the quick shift of so many different emotions, I started to cry, which caused mom to stop laughing, almost stop at least.
Looking more concerned, but still with a smirk on her face she said, “Baby I’m sorry… I really didn’t mean to laugh, but the look of panic on your face just…” She paused to try to keep from giggling again.
“Mom it’s not funny!” I exclaimed loudly, then much quieter I asked, “Aren’t you mad at me?!?” My tears were now flowing down my face.
The smile quickly faded from her face as she leaned in to wrap her arms around me, she then softly whispered, “Baby no I’m not upset with you at all, why do you think I’d be mad at you for this?”
I was holding on to her as tightly as I dared, softly sobbing on her shoulder. “Mom… From the look on you face, I thought you were ashamed that I’d do… you know… that… Or even that I had… one of… umm… those things.”, I whispered in between sobs.
Still trying to comfort me, she said, “Sweetie, its okay… You haven’t done anything that any other normal woman has done. I’m sorry I laughed baby, I really am. You have to admit though…” She paused long enough to pull back far enough so I could see her smiling before she continued, “It was kind of funny… I wish you could have seen your face…”
The relief of her not being angry, definitely lessened my fear, but I was still pretty embarrassed. Looking at her genuine and caring smile, I couldn’t help but think of how my reaction must have looked. I felt a smile quickly creep up and couldn’t help a small chuckle. Softly I asked, “Bet you never imagined THAT happening?”
She smiled as she gently brush my hair behind my ear so she could look me directly into my eyes. “Not too long ago I wouldn’t have, but you know I’m glad it did.”
That wasn’t the response I expected, which clearly showed on my face. “Huh? Why are you glad? I mean don’t you think… umm…”, I stammered, clearly at a loss for words.
“Honey, I’m glad because it means that you’re accepting that you are fully a young lady. Not just up here.” She said, softly touching my temple. Then she placed her hand over my heart and whispered, “But here as well… You have wants and desires, just like any other young woman… This,” She points to where I stuffed the vibrator, “is a healthy way to explore those desires without doing something you might regret doing too soon.”
I wrapped my arms around my Mom, relieved that she wasn’t mad at me. I started to get choked up a little bit as her words started sinking in. “I love you Mom, so, so much.”
She squeezed me equally as tight. I could hear it in her voice that she was on the verge of crying too when she told me, “I love you too my sweet girl, forever and ever.”
We both sat and hugged, with both of us sharing a good happy cry.
The next few days were fairly busy between seeing my sisters off so they could head home from their visit and letting the girls finally all meet Paul and vice versa. With the support of my friends, the girls who would always have my back, my boyfriend, and my knights in shining football helmets, I braved going into town more and more. While I knew I couldn’t always have them by my side every moment, just knowing that someone was by my side those few days did wonders to rebuild my confidence. Thankfully, nothing negative happened those few days, well until my friends drug me to the New Years fireworks display the next Thursday evening.
Starkville always had a fairly decent firework display at the park for New Years Eve, and with it not being a really big town you could bump into almost anyone because probably half the town showed up to watch the show. Well maybe not quite half, but just about everyone aged 25 and below rarely missed it.
Paul and I arrived at Jen’s earlier in the day, only to find out that Jen and the other girls had initiated a much larger cookout than I was expecting. I had originally thought it was just going to be Paul and us four girls, I was quite surprised to find Dave, Perk, and Scott there with another 2 of the football players I had helped tutor in the past. As I looked at the 5 football players, I realized that while all of them were starters, all except for Scott had something else in common. I had tutored four of them so they could keep their grades high enough so they wouldn’t be benched. Scott never needed my help with his grades though, he was probably just as smart as I was. While his grades weren’t as high as mine, he was able to balance school and football and keep a mostly 'A' average. I could only think of one other reason why he was here. We had been friends before I started my downward spiral, actually really good friends.
I was thinking about that friendship that I had pushed away, as introductions were made with Paul and the other guys. When I glanced around the group, most of the guys were looking at me in shock which started making me very uncomfortable. Then when I looked at Scott, while I could tell that he was surprised, there was something else. At first glimpse I thought he was angry, but looking closer, I realized he looked more hurt than angry. After several moments of uncomfortable silence staring at each other, he finally spoke.
“Robbie? Is that really you?”, he said softly, but with enough volume several of the crowd heard him. Dave and Paul immediately stepped up to my defense.
“Scott! Dude! We told you man, that shits not cool! SHE is Rebecca now!” Dave blurted out, with him and Paul stepping in between us.
Scott stepped back with his hands in the air, obviously startled at Dave’s anger. “Man I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything…”, he stated. Glancing at me pleadingly, he then apologized directly to me, “Rebecca… I’m sorry… I just… I mean… uhh…”
Seeing his frustration, I thought it might be better to not have an audience, so I placed my hands on Dave and Paul’s shoulders and said softly, “Guys, thank you but its okay. Scott and I are friends… Well at least we used to be, a long time ago…”
Scott just nodded and sadly said, ‘Yeah we were, weren’t we…” Glancing at Paul and Dave, he then looked directly at me before saying, “Can we talk? Just you and me… I just want to… Umm…”
I really felt for Scott, he had never known why I had pushed him, and almost everyone else away. We had been really close, almost as close as Jen and I were. We had met shortly after Mom had remarried and moved us to Starkville. Pop thought it would be a good idea to get me into scouting, since I had been an extremely outdoors kind of kid. Growing up in a rural area south of Birmingham, AL, I had spent most of my time running through the woods with my cousins. I had met Scott shortly after being enrolled in Cub Scouts, we had immediately become pretty decent friends. About six months after we met, something else happened which furthered our bond. It was about fourteen months after I lost my Dad, Scott lost his. Even at nine years old, knowing what Scott was going through about killed me, maybe it was because I was still dealing with my own loss. Through our shared pain though, our friendship deepened and for the longest time we knew that shared pain would keep us friends forever. Or so we thought at least. Then when things started happening to me and I reacted the way that I did, I only now just realized how that must have made him feel. How badly he must have been hurt, to have your best friend, who was there for you in your worst moment, start pushing you away. Just at the thought of how my actions probably hurt him, my eyes started to moisten.
Glancing at him with a sad smile and eyes glistening, I said softly, “Yeah I’d like that Scott, I think we really need to…” Then I whispered to my ‘guards’, “It’s okay guys, we’ll be fine. He needs to hear everything from me.” Paul just nodded and gave me a hug and a soft kiss, while Dave leaned in and whispered something to Scott.
Thankfully it was a warm day, well warm for Dec 31st. Being in the low 50’s, while chilly, it was still warm enough for us to sit outside, so I led us out front to sit on the porch to sit. Moving the chairs so we could face each other, we sat down and Scott immediately looked down at his clasped hands.
After several moments of uncomfortable silence I finally spoke. “Scott… I want you to know I’m sorry… For everything…” I couldn’t help it, but I felt the first tear start rolling from my eye, so I quickly wiped it away.
Surprised at my comment, he looked directly at me and said, “Sorry? For what?!?”
Wiping yet another tear that started to fall, I said softly, “For pushing you away… For not being the friend I was supposed to be… I know I hurt you… I do… I never meant to… It was just…”
I don’t know what he had been thinking up to that point, or what he had been told. Even though I know Dave wouldn’t have said anything wrong to him on purpose, it was a difficult story to tell… At least if you hadn’t lived it. It was in that moment though, where my emotion was getting the best of me and how I was reacting, that it seemed to click with him. Something changed in his expression, and posture, it was as if it finally registered to him that I am Rebecca, and no longer the Robbie he knew.
As I sat there with the tears starting to flow Scott gently reached out and put his hand over mine, “Hey… What are you sorry for? Dave said you couldn’t help… uhh… what happened.”
Looking up at his concerned expression, which only made me feel worse. Even though I had probably hurt him he still cared, I softly sobbed, “I’m sorry for what I did to you Scott… You were one of my closest friends… When things started… changing… I didn’t know what to do… So I pushed everyone away… Including you... I know how badly you had to have been hurt from your Dad… you know… Umm... 'Leaving'... Then I went and did the same…” I started crying much more freely and Scott lowered his gaze to stare at our hands, which were still grasped together.
After a long pause, he looked back at me and said, “Look I was hurt… Not because you pushed me away… It was because I didn’t know why… I thought I had done something… You just kept becoming more and more distant…”
“Oh God no!!!”, I exclaimed, “You didn’t do anything but be a good friend! I was the one that… It was all me…” That was all I could get out, before I broke down completely. It only took Scott a few seconds before he stood and and pulled me up as well, I was still sobbing when he wrapped his arms around me in a gentle hug. Lost in my emotions I did the only thing that felt right in the moment, I buried my head into his chest and wrapped my arms around him constantly mumbling my apologies.
Gently rocking me back and forth he kept repeating, “Hey its okay. It’s okay.”, until I calmed down.
Once I did, I realized how it must have looked with him hugging me, so I gently pushed him back so I could look him in the eyes, “How is it that you don’t hate me? How can you be nice to me?”
He gestured for us to sit back down, and he sat forward in his chair leaning on his knees so he could sit closer. “Look, Dave told me that all ‘this’ just happened… That you couldn’t control it… He also told me that there wasn’t anything the doctors could to to stop it from happening, and that the only chance was for you to move forward like this.”, he said using his hands to indicate me, ‘all’ of me.
I nodded, saying, “Yeah… I didn’t want any of this… I fought it for so long… before I almost…”
He interrupted me, saying,”You don’t have to say it… Dave and Jen both told me how… umm bad it had gotten. I’m glad Jen was there… When Dave told me what had happened I started to get angry, because you should have talked to me.”
“Scott I wanted to… I should have told you… I just was so afraid…”, I said looking down at our hands because I couldn’t look him in the eyes.
He took his hand and gently lifted my chin so I could face him and I saw him smiling, “Rebecca it’s okay… Like I said I started to get angry, but then I thought about… I thought about what you must have been going through, how confused you were… While I still wish you’d have kept talking to me, I don’t know how I would have responded if you would have said anything…”
“So you’re not mad at me?” I softly said.
“No, I’m not mad.” He started to say, then his eyes twinkled as he thought of something. “You know even with what happened to you, it never will change what our friendship meant… At least to me it won’t. You’re still the same friend who was there for me when my Dad had his wreck right?” I just nodded, as he continued. “You’re still the same friend who’s Step-dad helped take me in and help with both of our scouting because Mom was so busy working. If it wasn’t for you and Pop I’d never have been able to win the Pine Derby that year…” I couldn’t help but smile at that memory, Pop had volunteered to help Scott on his own.
I had to laugh at the memory thought, giggling I told him, “We hated those damn cars by the time we got done sanding though.”
He laughed and agreed, “Yeah we did, but it was worth it.”
“Well yeah it was worth it, you went to regionals with that thing.” I stated.
“That was cool, but that’s not what I was talking about… It was worth it because you, and your family were there for me during some of the worst moments in my life… I hate that I wasn’t as stubborn as Jen, I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you… when you were about to… do THAT” His voice started to crack as he was getting choked up, “I’ll be damned though if I’m not going to be here for you now… That is if you will let me…”
Reaching up and grabbing him in another hug, me consoling him this time I said, “Scott I do, I really do want you here… I’ve missed my friend…”
Holding me in a hug he just responded, “Me too.”
We sat there for a few moments before we both sat back in our chairs to compose ourselves, Scott then cleared his throat before asking, “So you’re with Paul? As in, uhh…”
I laughed and nodded, adding, “Yeah I’m with Paul. He’s my boyfriend, and yes before you ask he knows everything.”
He slowly nodded, taking that information in and then asked, “So have you always been… you know… attracted to guys? I’m sorry I just thought… well…” He paused, I could see he was trying not to upset me.
I laughed softly, “Scott, honestly I don’t think so… At least I’ve never really been attracted to anyone, until recently that is… With everything going on with me… I just thought that I would be alone… So I refused to even think about it…”
“Then you met Paul…”, He started to say, pausing for a second before continuing, “I mean I was just wondering because back at the scout camps we had seen each other naked more than once…”
I laughed much harder at that, now that I realized that he thought I might have been into him back then or something. “No Scott, its not like that. Yes I’m attracted to Paul… I don’t think its because he’s a guy though…”
Confused Scott just questioned me, “Huh? But he’s a guy, so you like guys right?”
Trying to be more serious, I said more somberly, “I like Paul because he’s Paul… Look I can admit that you and the other guys in there are attractive… Except I’m not really attracted to any of y’all… I haven’t really figured it out myself… Since Paul’s only the second person I’ve ever been attracted to.”
“Oh…” He responded then teasingly added, “So who’s the other lucky guy?”
I couldn’t help but smirk, giggling I said, “The ‘lucky guy’ you ask about, wasn’t a guy at all… I was attracted to a girl… Before you ask, no I don’t find myself being attracted to women that way either… I was attracted to her though… It’s confusing as hell to me Scott, and I’m the one living it…”
“Oh…”, was all he said, as he was thinking about what I had said. A few moments later I saw a small grin start to form, then he looked up at me and said, “So I’m don’t have to worry about catching you checking out my ass or anything? Cause that would be kinda weird.”
I was caught off guard, here we were having a serious conversation and he goes and starts making jokes. I started to get mad, but quickly realized that he was just slipping back into my friend. A friend who who would constantly tease me, and vice versa. In mock horror I gasped, “As if I ever would do anything like that Scott Miller!!! You should be ashamed to even suggest something like that!” I was struggling not to laugh, only because Scott looked afraid that he had really upset me. Before I completely lost it I let him off the hook and let him know I was joking, “Well at least it’s a much smaller chance than me catching you checking out MY ass…”
“Hey now!!! I would never!!!”, He started to say, before it clicked I was teasing him. “Oh that is so not cool missy!!!”, he said laughing.
Relieved that we were going to be okay, made obvious by our verbal barbs at one another, I grinned mischievously and stated, “Besides I’ve already caught you checking me out… Remember the Halloween party? When you kept eyeballing Supergirl?”
Confusion flashed on his face, but only for a small second before the realization hit him and he blurted, “Holy shit that was you!!! Damn that’s not cool!!!”
“Oh it’s not? So you didn’t like what you saw?”, I fired back.
“Of course I… Wait… No that’s just…”, He stammered, before slowing down to regain his thoughts. He took a much more serious look at me as his eye’s narrowed, “You know you really don’t play fair do you? I guess you really are a girl…”
I grinned knowing I had won our little ‘match’, “I guess I am… So you never answered me, did you like what you saw?”, I said confidently while raising my eyebrows.
Scott just shook his head, and with a rueful grin just said, “You know we’ve been out here for awhile, I think we might need to go back in to the party.”
I smiled at my victory, then as we got up to go inside I hip checked him and blurted out, “Chicken!!!”, before I dashed inside laughing.
As I walked in the house I saw everybody looking relieved as they saw me laughing with a frustrated Scott coming in behind me.
Paul was the first to come up to me and asked, “Is everything okay?” I was still grinning, but nodded.
Once everyone was properly introduced the rest of the afternoon was surprisingly normal. Well, mostly normal at least… Earlier in the day there was still a bit of awkwardness with how the guys were responding to my new situation, there was nothing hateful though, just awkward. By the time we had finished grilling hamburgers and eating, all the awkwardness had disappeared. Once they had spent a few hours around me, all the previous odd stares had stopped.
Around 6:30 that evening we had loaded up in our vehicles and headed out for the firework display. We had loaded a cooler with sodas, and packed some blankets as well. While it had been a warmer day, it was still supposed to drop into the low 40’s overnight. All the girls and I ended up climbing into Paul’s mustang, while the guys all followed in their vehicles.
We arrived a little before 7, almost and hour and a half before the fireworks would start. That ensured we got a good spot, and gave us time to set up. Thankfully, Perk and Dave had brought enough lawn chairs to go around, and in no time at all we were lounging around waiting for the show.
Over the next hour, Scott and Jen kept embarrassing me by telling stories about our antics when we were younger to the amusement of everyone else. At first I was worried that Paul would be uncomfortable hearing stories about me when I was a boy, except Scott and Jen always referred to me as Rebecca and as her in the stories. I didn’t know if they were doing that intentionally to keep from upsetting me, or if it was that they just couldn’t see me as male anymore. The way Paul was laughing and enjoying all the humor made at my expense, I quickly quit worrying. I ended up sitting there in his lap and blushing a lot at some of the more embarrassing memories, watching him laugh about everything and not letting the ‘past’ change how he saw me. I think it made me fall just a bit more each time he laughed. Every time I caught myself just staring at his smile and how his eyes twinkled, I found myself just sitting there grinning like an idiot. When I’d glance around after breaking my gaze, I’d see the girls just giving me knowing smiles and nodding at me, which would just make me blush some more.
Sadly the good time had to end though. We had been joking around for almost an hour when I heard a voice from behind that caused me to immediately tense up, to which Paul looked at me worriedly.
“Hey guys, do you have room for us? We could make it a bigger party!”, the voice said. It was Holly…
I heard Dave quickly get out of his chair, and he said in a very neutral voice, “I don’t think that would be a good idea Holly, even if we did have room. Which as you can see, we don’t.”
I turned to face them and immediately locked eyes with Holly as she came around Perk’s truck. I felt an immediate surge of anger, slightly mixed with fear, I quickly realized that I wasn’t afraid for myself though. The thought of what might be said, or could happen to my friends was all I could think about. Ever since I had started to accept my situation, my main concern has always been what will being my friend cost them. The last thing I wanted was for them to be looked at differently, I still didn’t feel worthy of their friendship. As those thoughts were crossing through my mind, Holly’s eyes narrowed.
“You!!!”, Holly growled. Glancing around at everyone else in the group, she said haughtily, “Just what the hell do you think you are doing with that THING!!! You all know that’s Robbie right there. The nerdy little pervert!!!”
Immediate Paul stood up, and had he not been holding on to me I’d have been dumped on the ground. Softly he sat me down and stood in front of me, but even quicker than he could move my football ‘line’ had formed between us and Holly’s group. It had just registered that other people were with her, of course Michelle who looked really smug and Karen who just looked uncomfortable, and there were a few guys I recognized but didn’t really know them.
From behind I could see Perk’s entire body tensing, even knowing he wasn’t angry at me, seeing him that way was truly frightening. Dave and Scott stepped slightly forward towards Holly’s group, leaving Trent and John standing next to the angry giant. It appeared they were trying to stay calm, or at least I desperately hoped so.
Dave was shaking in anger trying to stay calm, so Scott was the first one to speak, “Holly… Like Dave said… It’s not a good idea for you to be here, so why don’t you and your friends… Find somewhere else to sit.”
Standing behind Paul, I was so angry now that I was trembling and for the first time I felt tears running down my face in anger. It was a completely new concept for me, and actually distracted me enough until I noticed hands being placed on my shoulders gently. I didn’t even have to turn around to know those hands belonged to my girlfriends, my sisters, three women who have proved beyond any doubt they were here… For me…
“I know those stupid bitches were already freak lovers, I thought you guys knew better!!!”, Holly yelled.
“That’s enough Holly!”, Dave yelled back. “Rebecca hasn’t done anything to you, just leave her alone!”
“Do you even hear yourself David! Her?! That’s not a girl, that’s a boy pretending to be a girl! It’s a fucking freak!", she yelled.
The entire time this was going on the group behind her were showing mixed reactions. Michelle was standing right behind Holly and was continually goading her on with shouts of “hell yeah” or “freak”. Karen on the other hand looked like she was ready to run, she kept glancing around and was trying to not look at either me or Dave. The guys that were with her were trying to put up a brave front for the girls they were with, but you could tell they didn’t want to stand against five of the best football players the school had.
Alicia had let go of my shoulder and shoved her way past the guys into the front of the group and yelled, “Damn you Holly! How dare you!!!”
Taking a step closer, emboldened by her crowd she yelled back, “How dare I what? Speak the truth? As far as damned, all you that are hanging out and defending… IT! Are going to go to hell…”
“That’s it! You’re going to pay for that you… you… CUNT!!!” Alicia screamed as she clinched her fists and started to make a move at Holly.
Trying to stay calm this whole time the big man had been trembling with anger and he finally gave up trying and bellowed out, “ENOUGH!”
That was enough to stop Alicia and cause her to sidestep, Holly and her crew took a step back as well. I honestly can’t say I blame them, I knew Perk wasn’t mad at me and I was afraid of him.
Holly gulped and much more calmly said, “Perk look, all I’m…”
“I SAID ENOUGH!!!”, Perk exclaimed and taking another step closer to Holly’s group. The guys who had been trying to act brave in front of Holly, started pulling her back. In a low voice that almost rumbled he uttered, “You have ten seconds to leave, it's up to you on how you leave!”
Holly started to protest, but pretty much everyone in her group started nodding and pulling her away. It was dead silence in our group as we all just stared at Perk’s back as he just stood there watching them leave. I’d have to hazard a guess, but it was probably close to two minutes we all just sat there letting the adrenaline rush wear off.
Feeling extremely guilty I had to say something, everyone had had to endure all of that mess, simply because they were standing by me. I was afraid that he was still angry, but I was hoping he had calmed down enough so I gingerly stepped forward. Keeping my distance, just in case, I softly said, “Perk… I’m sorry for all of this. It’s my fault that all…” He quickly raised his hand to silence me, so I shut my mouth. Obviously he wasn’t calm enough yet.
“Rebecca…”, He started to say as he turned around to face me. “Just don’t go there, and stop fucking apologizing okay!”, he exclaimed still frustrated, which caused me to take a step back. He stopped and took several slow breaths and continued in a much calmer voice, “Look… You didn’t deserve this, this is all on that… that… What Alicia said…” That last bit he said with a devilish smile aimed directly at the guilty party who said it.
The whole group started to laugh, while Alicia started to look embarrassed. “Look guys I’m sorry I said that… I don’t know what got into me, I hate that word…She was just…just… You know what?! It fit!”
People were still laughing, even harder now. I was thankful for the humor, as it had lightened my mood considerably. Looking at Alicia, I couldn’t help but laugh when a thought came to me, “Alicia you’re wrong though that doesn’t fit her.”
“Yes it does!!!”, She said defiantly, crossing her arms.
Giggling I looked her right in the eyes and say, “No it doesn’t… She seriously is lacking the depth and warmth to qualify for that…” Then I crossed my arms in the same manner as she had, then grinned.
The whole crowd whipped their heads to look at me as they quickly processed what I had said, which only caused me to break out in more laughter. You could see as it dawned on them what I had said before they started laughing. They only one that wasn’t laughing was Dave, he just just stood there shaking his head.
“Damn girl, that was harsh!” He said with a smile, then he stepped up and gave me a sideways hug. “Hey… I just want you to know that I’m proud of you… I was worried that when, or if, that ever happened that you’d… umm...”
“Fall apart?” I offered, to which he slowly nodded. “Dave I might have, but I’m getting better… It helps that I have all you guys here…” I paused, as the humor and adrenaline had faded, the magnitude of the emotions hit me. With what all these guys and gals had just endured, and were still standing with me. I wiped the tears that were already forming, which caused several of my friends to come up close before I could hold my hands up to stop them.
Paul gently put his arm around me and everyone else came up to stand close to me in support. I looked around at my friends, first at my three girlfriends who had been standing by me the longest. These girls had proven time and time again what true friendship was, even Alicia had proven herself after her less than spectacular initial reaction… Then I looked at the jocks, my protectors, my knights in shiny football helmets. Thinking that they already knew the ridicule that they would probably endure, but they were still here. Then I looked at Paul, my boyfriend. Something that I had never believed possible, not just that I had a boyfriend, but that I would ever have someone who cared about me like he did. Even finding out the truth about me he didn’t waiver. At this moment I felt loved, cared for, protected, and safe.
Even with my emotions causing tears to form and my voice to crack, I told them, “I’m okay guys, I really am. I just want y’all to know just how much I appreciate what you all are doing… How much it means to me... I… I don’t think I could be doing this without you… Thank you…”
The girls immediately wrapped me and Paul up in a group hug, it took the guys a few seconds longer before they came and joined in the group. Maybe they figured it was just a big huddle, so they felt 'safe' showing their support. We stayed that way for a long moment, until we were interrupted by a loud boom which made us all jump. The firework show was starting.
Without anymore words, we just gave each other a nod as we returned to our lawn chairs. Well everyone else did, I waited for Paul to sit down then eased into his lap. Then he wrapped his arms around me as we leaned back to watch the show.
To be continued...
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Author's Note: Closing out this part of the story, I want to say that writing this has been an amazing experience for myself. I truly hope those of you that have read to this point, and who have endured my first attempt at writing a story, are left with a good feeling, and that you have enjoyed the journey I was lucky enough to take you on. Thank you, everyone… While this is the end of Robbie’s story, I’m not quite done though telling Rebecca’s journey. I will return to finish her story in her own book, once I have let my muse run wild on two other ideas that shes been distracting me with. Till the next story, peace everyone. ~Rebecca
I had been in deep thought after the conflict with Holly and her group, during the fireworks show No matter how I tried I couldn’t put everyone’s actions out of my mind. Even though I felt safe and protected sitting there in Paul’s lap with his arms wrapped around me, there was still a lot of uncertainty about what the future held, not only for myself but my friends as well. I was still worried about how my friend’s decision to stay by my side would affect them in the long run.
I was still thinking about everything, as we were driving back to Jen’s house with all the girls in Paul’s Mustang, when I noticed the night sky. The moon wasn’t very full, and with the clear night sky the stars were extraordinary bright. That’s when I had an idea. There had been a place that I would retreat to, ever since I had gotten my license, when I needed a place that was quiet and peaceful enough to think. Sadly I hadn’t been there in months… There had been no need for me to go back, at least once I had made my decision to end everything to escape from the hell I was in. The last several months since that fateful day with Jen, I learned that the hell I was living in I had created all on my own. I couldn’t help but imagine how beautiful and peaceful it would be tonight, and suddenly I wanted to go and to take Paul with me.
We made it back to Jen’s a little before 10 that night, they were having a New Year’s Eve party her parents were hosting. They had wanted a safe place for Jen and her friends to celebrate, and of course Paul and I were invited. While I did want to stay and celebrate with my friends, I much rather wanted some quiet time with Paul and myself. Jen was disappointed that we weren’t staying, but she thankfully understood after I explained why. She had been worried, just like everyone else, about me after the confrontation earlier. She also knew me well enough that after the overload of ‘excitement’ I needed some quiet time. I honestly think the only reason she let me go was because Paul was going to with me, she knew that he would look out for me. It was funny part of me resented that all these people were fussing over me… At the same time I was thankful for them, until just a few months ago I’d never had any of this and I guess I was still trying to get used to it.
Making sure that we had blankets still in the car, we headed out. I was giving Paul directions where to go and wasn’t telling him our destination. I think he was a bit miffed at me, but his curiosity was getting the better of him. I just grinned and kept giving him directions, as we headed outside of the city limits.
After making the third turn after we hit gravel roads, he asked, “So where did you find this place? I don’t think I could find my way back with a map and a compass.”
I laughed, “Actually Scott and I found this place back when we were kids and in the scouts.” I paused, because I was always afraid that Paul would respond negatively about hearing stories of when I was a boy. I knew it was a silly fear, he had actually never shown any signs of being upset about my past… Sadly I know even irrational fears are still real, especially when they are yours. “The troop campgrounds are actually only about a mile from where we’re headed, a bunch of us were wandering around on a day hike and came across it. It took me a while to find how to get here when I started driving, my old VW couldn’t take the route we took before. Trust me I think it will be worth it.”
He smiled back and reached over to squeeze my hand, which I readily accepted. He then said, “Rebecca I do trust you… But are you sure we can find our way out of here?”
Giggling, “Yes I am… Well mostly…” Then directed him to take another turn, one that you almost couldn’t see. From here on out the roads weren’t really maintained much, and the growth on the sides at times almost made the path disappear.
Chuckling, Paul just shook his head and muttered, “Well I still trust you, I’m afraid I might regret it though.” I let go of his hand and smacked his arm lightly, then clasped his hand again as we both sat there laughing.
As we made our last turn the lights from the Mustang illuminated some old girders attached to four big metal posts spaced about 35 ft apart, with stairs within the framework that reached up out of sight due to the canopy of the trees.
“Wow… What is this place?”, he asked, trying to figure out what it was.
“This is an old fire tower that the county used to use, its not in use anymore and hasn’t been in years. At least not for that…”, I tell him.
“What’s it used for now?”, He asked.
“Well theirs a repeater up there for radio stations and stuff like that, plus due to its height it has lights on the top so airplanes can see it at night. So the tower is still kept up, but nobody ever comes out here unless there’s a problem. Or so I think, I’ve never seen anyone else out here.” I say.
“Height?? How tall is it?”, he asked.
“Honestly I’m not sure… But the top is about 50-75 feet above the tree tops… The view tonight should be spectacular.” I say, smiling at him.
“Oh… So we’re going up there?”, He asked… He looked a bit nervous, but at the same time a bit excited. “We won’t get in trouble will we?”
I couldn’t help but laugh, “Did you not hear me? I’ve never seen anyone out here before, and I used to come out here a lot to… you know… think…” The reason I had quit coming out here, started weighing on me, but I quickly tried to shake it off. “So are you ready? I asked.
“I am if you are.” He boldly stated. I just grinned and grabbed the satchel the blankets were in and slung it over my shoulder.
While the gate was ‘locked’ the lock didn’t hold at all, after a gentle shake of the gate it popped open. Paul was looking at me with a questioning look, probably thinking how is girlfriend is an expert at ‘breaking and entering’. I knew that we weren’t supposed to be out here, but I had been out here so many times and I knew that tonight was going to be worth the risk.
We started climbing the stairs, and I thought thankfully that due to our running at least both of us were in good shape for the climb. The tree canopy had grown in so much there were places that we had to duck limbs that had grown into the railing, it really gave it the impression that we were climbing into nothingness. As we rounded the 8th flight of stairs we started breaking out of the canopy and were just given a glimpse of the view that was yet to come. It was breathtaking, the light of the partially full moon softly illuminated the tree tops that stretched on for miles, but at the same time wasn’t bright enough to blind us from seeing all the stars.
“Wow…” was all that Paul uttered.
Smiling I just said, “Told you. Just wait.”
We continued climbing, probably around another 5 flights before we hit the top of the stairs. It ended at a trap door that was securely padlocked, with no obvious way to keep going.
“So is this it?”, Paul asked. While the view was still quite spectacular, it was marred trying to look through the railing on the tower.
Shaking my head no, I said, “Ok this is where it gets exciting… I hope you’re not afraid of heights…” He shook his head, but looked at me with a very confused expression.
Making sure the satchel was secure around my shoulders and resting on my back, I stepped over the stair railing onto one of the support beams.
“Rebecca don’t…”, Paul started to say.
“I’ve done this hundreds of times, trust me okay… Look there are handholds and the beam is plenty safe to walk on, okay.” I continued on to the edge and maneuvered to the outside of the tower, to a ladder that went up the side of the building that was resting on the top of the tower. “Are you okay?” I asked. He just nodded and started to follow me as I climbed up the ladder to the top of the building.
Once were were both sitting on the top, the adrenaline of that last ten feet surging through us. Paul looked at me incredulously and muttered, “I can’t believe you talked me into this. This is crazy!”
“Paul… It’s okay… Look!”, I said and pointed out.
He turned and gasped as he took in the view. We were about 12 miles outside of town so we could see Starkville in the distance. The light from the town was like a beacon in the middle of nothingness. Since our eyes had already adjusted to the dim moonlight, the forest canopy rolled out away from us like waves of green as far as we could see. It kept going until it met the horizon, which we could only tell by where the green waves ended into a glistening night sky, with more stars than most ever get to see. He sat there in awe of what he was looking at for several moments.
I softly asked him, “So… Was it worth it?”
He blinked a few times, before turning to look at me still in amazement. “Yeah… I’ve never seen anything like this before… It’s amazing...”
Smiling softly, glad my idea was worth it, I whisper, “I used to come out here a lot, I’m really glad you’re here to see this with me.” The thoughts that had been running through my mind most of the night started to resurface, which I guess he noticed by my more subdued expression.
“Hey, are you okay?”, He asked.
Nodding, I said, “Yeah I am… Well mostly I guess… After what happened earlier tonight… I just… You know what, forget it I’m fine… It’s okay…” I tried to shake off the thoughts once more, and started to unpack the blankets. While the climb had kept us fairly warm, sitting up here with nothing to block the breeze it was starting to get really cold.
Paul helped me to unfold the blankets and wrapped them around us as he pulled me in tight next to him, “No you’re not… Something is bothering you… Talk to me okay, don’t forget I’m here for you. Don’t forget all of your friends that are here for you too.”
“Paul… That’s the main thing that’s bothering me.. Well not that I have you, or friends, that are here for me.. It’s just that… Look, I understand exactly how a lot of people are going to treat me… Holly has shown me, and most of the school administrators, exactly how a lot of people are going to be… I know how its going to be for me, but do you understand that? Do my friends?” I say softly.
“Of course we know that…”, He said sounding a bit upset, “Why do you think that we are here for you?”
“Wait… That’s not what I meant.”, I pleaded. The last thing I was trying to do was make him mad at me, so I continued much more carefully, “What I meant was, that you and all of my friends are going to endure the same as I do, simply for being with me… Why do you guys want to deal with that… I don’t understand…” Warm tears started to streak down my cold cheeks…
Paul’s expression softened, “Rebecca… You still don’t get it do you?” I shook my head trying to stop from crying. He gently put his hand on my cheek and made me look up at him. “Look… After everything that you’ve gone through up to now, and I mean all of it. Between you and Jen I think I’ve heard most of it, and I hate that you’ve endured so much… Because you are such a good and caring person… Even now with all of that, you are still trying to put your friends before yourself… That’s just one of the many reasons that they, err we, are staying by you…”
“But…”, I start to say before he cut me off.
“No buts are allowed…”, he said still holding my face and staring directly into my eyes, “Hey… Talking to Jen and Scott, hearing stories from when you all were kids… Plus hearing the other guys talk about how far you would go to help them understand their schoolwork… Yes you have changed… You’re not a guy named Robbie anymore… But that’s the only thing that has changed… You care for your friends, more than you care about yourself. You’ve supported people who at the time didn’t deserve it, but you still helped them… The people who love you, love who you are, and who you were… Not what you were, okay? Now that you’ve overcome so much… so much bullshit… They have told me that the person they’ve always cared about is still right here, but you are so much more of that person… You’re friends are here, because they love and respect you, more than they are afraid of what might happen… I’m telling you this, so let them love you… Let me love you…” His voice dropped off with that last statement, as he realized what he had said.
As his words, all of them, started to sink in as I stared into his soft brown eyes. The tears that had been forming increased, but it was no longer because I was afraid. He had told me that he loved me… I had believed that he did, but he’d never actually said those words. At that moment, and with that realization, made the cold I was feeling completely disappear and replaced by a strange warmth that I’d never felt before.
“Hey, why all the tears? Did I say something wrong?” He asked fearfully.
I shook my head smiling through the tears, “No you didn’t… You said you loved me…”
“Uhh… Yeah I did… I didn’t mean to make you upset, look just forget I said anything about…”, He started to say.
“Paul shut up okay!”, I exclaimed, which made him look at me confused, before I said much more softly, “I love you too… I have for awhile now… Hearing you say it… I’m just so…”
He completely shut me up, as he leaned in and kissed me directly on my lips. I started to try to pull back, I had so much more I wanted to say. Then as I felt the warmth of his arm around me and his other hand gently holding my cheek, those thoughts completely vanished as I felt his lips on mine. I started to return the kiss, it started out soft and tentative. After a few moments it grew much more passionate as we held on tightly to each other. We were completely lost within each other’s arms in that moment. We almost didn’t even hear the booms in the distance from people’s fireworks ringing in 1988.
I honestly didn’t know what the future would bring. I had ideas but as my life the last few months has taught me, things that we thought we knew can change with the slightest of incidents. For me is was a small outburst in a classroom that changed my life, changed it for the better in so many ways. So much had happened in the last few months, I reconnected with my best friend, I reconciled with my parents, I found new friends, I had met Paul, but most importantly I had found myself. I had so much in my life, I was about to burst with a happiness that I had never experienced before in my young life.
Sitting there on top of a fire tower in the middle of nowhere kissing my boyfriend I realized something. No matter what happened in my life, being true to myself and to my friends was directly what had helped me make it here.
The fireworks were blossoming all over the sky in the distance surrounding Starkville and where we sat gave us an amazing view. The reflections of the colorful explosions on the sea of iridescent green was beautiful. Well at least I assume it was… Neither Paul or I noticed as we were both kissing the person that we loved…
The End... For now…
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