Two girls were sitting at the lake, near the shore. Both had a green dress and green hair. Their pantyhosed feet were touching the water. With one hand, they were hanging each other, while with the other, they were holding their cigarettes. One of the girls is me. The other was not a girl at all. He is my husband.
This is inspired from a real life story. People and places have different names and the story is partially changed. The story is seen through the eyes of a girl who discovers a hidden cross-dresser and helps him be happy. You will find two fetish themes:
Smoking
Pantyhose
Also, the story is focused on a rare sexual minority, called the sfenists.
The story is divided in two parts, each one with several chapters.
Part one contains the words sex and masturbation, but no such scenes are described. It can easily fill under general public audience.
Part two contains some explicit scenes, that are sexy, not erotic, referred to sfenist love. Still, in many regards, it is suitable for general public audience.
It will take time for me to write all chapters, so please wait.
Smoking And Pantyhose
Part 1, Chapter 1
If everybody walks the same path, find another one. If nobody follows your path, make sure you are not lost.
The Wiseman
My name doesn't matter, everybody knows me as Ana. I am a woman, just a bit over 20. I graduated the University and got a job close to where I once lived, in the mountains, on an industrial railway station. Life just couldn't got better for me. I stay in this industrial station, I change switches, such a simple job. A train will pass at a few hours, the rest of time is mine. Time to read, play on computer, gardening and whatever you want. And all with a modest salary. Easy money!
You can find anything you never expected in these mountains. People speak many languages, have many religions. We are at the gate between East and West, between Christianity and Islam, between so different civilizations. Here, you thought you've seen everything and realize you don't know anything about this place. Everyone is so friendly... but everyone might kill you.
Today I sit in front of my station. It is a late autumn, but still not cold. I sit on the bench and smoke. And I love to smoke, which gets out of my mouth and nostrils. I wear a dress and as I smoke I watch my hands. "Nicotine is getting through my vines all the way through my body", I thought. "It moves up to every single cell, to each finger." And then, I looked at my feet. Wearing a knee-long dress, I can see my feet through demi-opaque pantyhose. "How are you, toes, today?" I whispered. "Mom will give you the nicotine you so strong need."
As I laid on the bench, I let a cloud of smoke from my mouth towards my feet.
I continue to smoke. Then, I check the rail signals. A train will come from the mountains, taking miners down to their villages. And yes, in 4 minutes, it arrived. The old, rusted wagons stopped here, carried by an over 50 years old engine. A few people move out from the train. But wait. Among them, there is a different guy. He seems to not know the way around. The others move away, only he remains.
"Excuse me" he said. "Do you speak English?"
"Yes", I answered amazed. Here people speak so many languages, but nobody ever spoken to me in English. "What are you doing here?"
"I work on Geological research at the mine."
So strict, but shy... What is with this guy? Maybe he is from a completely different civilization I thought, as I watched his shoes, part clean and part dirty.
"You don't seem to be from here. Where are you from?" I asked him starring in his eyes.
"From over the sea" he answered.
"I see... Take a seat. I have just this modest bench. Do you want a cigarette?"
He sits down near me. Doesn't want a cigarette, but I insist... and he takes one, but without smoking. That is strange. He doesn't seem to watch me like the others. I've seen many guys around, but the vast majority will try to seduce me... without knowing that I am a sfenist. Not this one.
"Where are you heading?" I asked.
"I try to find a place to stay. There is too much noise in the barracks. And too much alcohol. And many indecent things."
"Indecent things?"
"Yes. Some guys came with girls and had sex there in the sleeping rooms, with all of us around. This is crazy."
There is something different about this guy. I see no sinful desire in his eyes. Majority of strangers from over the sea are looking for cheap fun. Not this one.
"And how are you supposed to find a home in this village if you don't know the language spoken here?"
"I don't know. Buy, if you don't try, you get nothing".
"I can help you" I said. "You can sleep this night there, just over the river. That house is mine, I have a bed in the kitchen."
"Thank you. How much should I pay you?"
"Nothing. I do this to help you. Helping a traveler is something in our tradition."
"Thank you. I never seen so much kindness in my life."
I invited him. Houses here are small and the kitchen is a separate building, which can occasionally have multiple uses. That evening and later in night I talked to him until late. There was something different then any other guy. He was not trying to seduce me. Not at all. But still, I can feel a hidden desire. Sometimes, his eyes keep looking at my feet... and looking, but always hiding from my eyes. For the first time since I graduated the University, I found a person which also graduated an University, even if over the sea. And he is smart, in all domains. He knows about religion, about Geology, about Math, Astronomy, about Biology. So many things. We have many things to talk about.
I can feel a hidden desire to be with me. Not to sleep with me, but to be with me. For a second I ask myself: Could he be a sfenist? For sure, he has no intention to harm me and not to steal anything.
Late in night, I move back to the house, eat and smoke. I know that in the morning at 3 AM I must be at the station, when a train carries the coal downstream.
Morning comes. The train hardly puffs up the hill. Now, let's make some food for our guest. I want him to remember the kindness of the people from here. "Come on, Ana, honor your guest, just as anyone should do" I said to myself. So, I run to my parents' house and make a fast breakfast, with cheese, vegetables, bread and a glass of milk. "Hope he likes this..."
"What if he steals anything?" I asked myself. "If he steals anything, I have the right to request him punished. Better check out myself." So, I decide to enter the kitchen.
He was dressing up. I immediately moved out, saying sorry and "I have breakfast ready!", but there was something different. I thought I seen him wearing pantyhose. What??? I am not sure. At the University, we had a guy who was gay, I also knew two lesbians, but never seen this. What is this guy? Or maybe I didn't see it right. Maybe he didn't wear pantyhose. But I want to find out. At school, we were encouraged to search and find answers... and I want an answer. And the same question arises: Is he a sfenist? I keep thinking until he opens the door. He looks scared a bit... or caught(?) or I don't know to read his face?
"Good morning", I say. "Did you sleep well?"
"Yes, I did. Thank you. It is the first time I sleep in such a small room."
I give him breakfast and we both eat. Then, I light a cigarette and give him one.
"Take it!"
"I don't smoke. Thank you!"
"You know, it is not polite to refuse. It is like cursing someone."
He takes the cigarette and keeps it in his hand. He lights it, but does not inhale.
"Workers train will arrive in 40 minutes. Before that, you will hear the radio beeps. We use Morse code".
As he answers, I notice that he takes a fast look at my feet. Is he looking at my pantyhose? Let's test him somehow... And I have an idea. After we eat, we go back to the station, to the bench. I light another cigarette and force him take one. I remember he talked with passion about Astronomy. So, let's give him something to work on...
"You told me that the Americans have sent a spaceship to Pluto."
"Yes. New Horizons."
"Can you tell me more? You know, the last planet is far away..."
"The probe passed Pluto this summer..."
As he starts a monologue, I pretend to listen to him. I take off my shoes and put my feet up on the desk, just between me and him. Immediately, his eyes move to my feet. But when he sees my eyes were watching him, he immediately looks in another direction. As he continues his monologue, I start playing with my toes. It takes time until his eyes look back in this direction.
He has a pantyhose addiction. I've never seen this before.
As the morning train comes, I ask him to return at evening. He can sleep another day. I wait the train go and return to my cabin.
"Why, Ana? Why have you done this? People from over the sea are not serious." said my shadow.
"Let's see what he does. Let's investigate this specimen. I thought I've seen everything, but still nothing" I answered without voice.
"What if he will steal something? What if he abuses you?"
"I don't think it. Maybe he's gay, Shadow. But gay people don't behave like this." I light another cigarette, take a deep drag and keep the smoke long inside me. "Maybe he is a sfenist, Shadow!"
"Come on, you know that no more then one in 3000 is a sfenist. What is the chance for two sfenists to meet? 3000 X 3000 = 9 million! Don't be ridiculous, Ana. It just is impossible. Accept what you are and that there is no way to find another sfenist around."
I take the cigarette out from my mouth and put it between my toes, watching as pantyhose shines in the light of the sun. "Here you are... Who knows, maybe you could make a new nicotine addict!" I convinced so many people to start smoking over time. I used to keep a record, but there were over 100. Why not to convince this guy too? Maybe my feet will work.
But what if he falls in love with me? I start laughing. What a jerk! How many guys tried this? As soon as I see they are trying to go to bed with me, I cut it short and deep through what hurts the most.
There was that rich guy from over the sea, Stromboli, which made a fortune from black market tobacco. He tried to get his way to me, until I smashed his face with a pan full of pizza... Oh mine... and that pizza I made was for him to eat, but he deserved it that way. And that guy from over the ice, Igor, which always had a lot of alcohol in his body. He had a lot of money and thought he could buy me. I liked him giving presents and money, but I knew what he had in mind. I could see in his eyes. And one day, when he insisted to have more then just kisses, I went to get some vodka... and smashed the bottle in his head. "Damn it! Call an ambulance!" he screamed. "Get out of here, infidel! How can an ambulance come here, at the end of the world?" I answered. And don't forget the worst of worst, Ahmed, the guy from over the sands. He tried to do everything to impress me. And this took over an year, but I knew what he wanted in fact... to sleep with me. Until one day, he forced me. I smashed his chick so hard with my nails, then I gave him a hard knee in his... organs. Then I got out from his hands and I started beating him with my feet, with all the anger in the world. Too bad he didn't die. His crying made some people to come and saved him.
We'll see at the evening, stranger, what will happen.
Everything has a shadow and that shadow is the only thing you have when you are alone.
Legend of the light shadow
Again, I am where I stay most of time: around the railway station, waiting for the beeps that will signal a coming train. I am in the kitchen, cooking something. I light a cigarette and keep it in my mouth, while my hands handle the ingredients and the tools needed to cook. Some smoke gets into my eyes. No problem, I am so used to it. Earlier, my parents came here, as they do in every day, to see if I am ok. They also smoke, but not as much as I do. So, we stayed and enjoyed a cigarette, while discussing about this stranger.
"You know, Small Wonder, people from over the sea are thinking different from us. You told him to stay this night too. Just be careful", said my dad.
This is how my parents call me. Small Wonder. This is because I am shorter then my brother and my sisters, as a result of underage smoking.
"I just want to see what is in that guy's brain", I argue. "If he is another infidel with too much testosterone, you know what will happen."
My mother laughed. "You know, guys burn around you like cigarettes. Many of them wanted your hand. And all you gave them is fire."
"And smoke", I added. "I gave them what they deserved. And you know why. I am a sfenist."
"I know, Small Wonder, but sometimes it breaks my heart", said my mom. "It is in part our fault you are what you are. I wished you were not alone."
"Nobody is alone", I say, blowing a thick cloud of smoke. "We all have our shadows."
"From all our children, you've got the most far. The other kids hardly followed a high school. You are the only one that got to an university. And you survived with your own money", said dad proudly. "And you survived by selling this" he sais, showing me his burning cigarette. "You could have a much better life in the civilized world, but you chosen to return. You know better what to do. Just do as your soul wants. If you want to study him, do so. If you want to kill him, just don't let tracks. If you want anything else, may all the gods be with you and give you a good idea."
I take a metal pot out of the oven. It smells so good, but never as good as my mother's. But doesn't matter, I want to be independent. Then, I put a tray full of cookies. Then, as I close the oven's door, I take the cigarette out of my mouth and exhale.
What time is it? Should the train come soon? First, a cargo train with coal or iron must come, then the passenger train with the stranger. As I think about what to do, I look at my feet. Should I change to another type of pantyhose? Yes, to see if he observes this. I take a new drag from the cigarette and go to the house. How about a light color? Better. I look at my feet below my knee-long dress. Should I look at the computer? I type 'men wearing pantyhose' on Google search and I get a lot of articles. So, that guy is not the only one. Let's try something else: 'pantyhose fetish'. So many videos are there with this subject.
The cargo train comes, with a new engine, moving slowly on the old and unrepaired railway. I immediately communicate with downstream and upstream stations, then hail the engineer to go. As the train vanishes behind the trees, my mind is done. If this stranger will be friendly, I will be friendly too. If he will try to seduce me looking for sex, I will have no mercy and hurt him in any way I can. And I want to know if he really wears pantyhose.
*****
Up at the mine, the stranger is at work. He examines samples from the mine and notes from a laboratory. He models the mine on a computer, talking to his coworkers about what they found. And yes, they found copper close to where the iron ore ends. Then, they take a break for lunch. He sits out, on a big rock, with other people. Nobody calls nobody on its name. Everyone in here has a nickname nearly as soon as he comes to this place.
"So, Atan, where did you slip last night?" asks one of them.
"I found a place at Callisto station. At the junction with the line to second coal mine".
"In that small village? At who?" asks someone else.
"I slept at the girl who works at the station".
"Oh mine! Oh, I don! believe it!"
"What is it, Kebab?" sais Atan surprised.
"You slept at Ana? This is impossible!" almost screams Kebab.
"Ana is her name?"
"Not Ana. In fact, Nicotiana", sais the first guy. "She will force you to smoke like a thermal plant".
"If you manage to survive that long", sais Kebab. "Will he survive, Norris? I think he will go back here as scared as a rabbit followed by a trillion wolves".
"She will kill you, man", sais Norris. "Just ask Bagdad what happened to him. Oh, he is right here. Tell him, buddy, will you?"
"That bitch. I wanted to date her. She smiled and agreed, we went to a romantic dinner, everything was ok. She invited me to her home. I thought 'Lucky you, man! She is so pretty!' but no way..."
"What happened, Bagdad?" sais Atan listening.
"As I tried to touch her breasts, she said: 'What do you want?' I said: 'I love you!' and she said short: 'I am not here for your entertainment'. And as I tried to kiss her, she smashed my face with so much power, like she was a man. The next second, she took a chair and started beating the hell out of me. I managed to go out and she said 'Leave me alone, infidel' and I moved away. She followed me with an axe until I left the house".
"We are at the end of the world, folks", sais another guy. "People here have so strange ideas and mentalities. I wish I will get my money when we are done with this mine and walk back home from this madness".
"I have no intention to go to bed with her", sais Atan short. "I am just looking for a more quiet place to sleep".
"Well, in the night you were gone, we had a lot of fun. That girl, Tatiana, you know her".
"That's why I left. I needed some sleep", sais Atan with half of his voice.
"Maybe you are gay".
"Cut it off, Pegasus! He is not gay. If he were, you would have your ass exploded by now!"
"He is not into men, not into women, pals. Atan, are you castrated?"
"No".
"I will bring a girl here and see it with my own eyes if you are able to do something to her or not. I will pay for the bitch."
*****
The evening passenger train should come soon. I hear the radio beeping. It left the upper station. A few people are here, on the platform, waiting the train to come.
"Hey Ana, I heard you have a new victim", said a 30 years old guy.
"Yes, you can say so. It depends on him if he uses some manners or I will put his guts on the fence to dry".
Yes, I try to be rude with guys that have too much testosterone. I give them what they deserve. Only my parents know that I am a sfenist. Nobody else. But even if everyone thinks I am the strangest person on the face of Earth, I don't care. Finally, the train arrives. I see it. I immediately go to the radio and signal upper and lower stations about it. Then, I get back to the passenger platform and here he is. A bit tired I see. He immediately looks at my feet. I have open-toe sandals and light pantyhose. A bit too cold for this time. I light a cigarette.
"Welcome! How was day at work?"
"A bit harder then usual. We found copper."
"That is good. Come on, I made something to eat".
"Thank you. Your generosity is far beyond anything I've ever encountered."
"No. This is how people from my ethnic group treat strangers".
"I think I need to pay in one way or another."
"You need to pay me?" I answered laughing. These strangers, think all is about money. "The only thing I need is you to be happy". And that is right.
I put the meal on the table. Milk and cheese based products, with vegetables and bread.
"This is your traditional cuisine?" he asks.
"Yes, but I adapted. I am more a milk-vegetarian. Not much into meat. And you know meat is not so good".
I just wait him to finish all food. Then, I serve the cookies with a cup of milk. Then, I invite him to stay on the bed in the kitchen. I stay near him. I take my sandals off and put my feet up on the bed, very close to him. I watch as he watches my feet.
"Come on, take your shoes off and put your feet up in the bed. I bet you're tired" I say.
"It's ok, I can stay like this" he sais.
"Don't argue with me. Put your feet up on the bed!" I order.
"My socks stink. I don't think it's a good idea".
He looks embarrassed, but I want to find out what I need to know. So, I take his feet up by force. Then, I light a cigarette and say:
"Now let me guess. I see you like looking at my feet like no other guy before", while putting back my feet in the bed and holding his feet by the shoes with my hands. "And I have a feeling..."
I hear him trying to say something.
"You are in my house, not me in yours. Stop complaining like a kid".
It starts to look like fun. He looks a bit scared or I don't know. I look in his eyes. He is like a cornered rabbit waiting for the wolf to find him. I take his pants and start turning them up, exposing the feet. And just as I expected, where the socks end, something smooth appears in front of my eyes. Pantyhose! How about it! I take a deep drag and blow the smoke over his now exposed pantyhose.
"Nobody has ever found this", he sais with a scared voice. "How did you... notice? Just don't tell anyone. Nicotiana! Will you?"
This name shocked me. Where did he know? Most of sure from those people at the mine. Well, they got what they deserved. I stop moving my hands and look him with a smile.
"It is the first time I see a man wearing pantyhose. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone. I just wanted to know why you do this. And I found out that you have a pantyhose fetish by the way you look at my feet."
His face changed. So surprised. Well, I always like to be a step ahead the other people.
"So", I say again, this time smiling and trying to give him a good mood. "What is your story? Why do you wear pantyhose?"
"Well, it goes many years ago. I started wearing them when I was a child. I think 12 or 14 years. I liked the way they look. Well, I think I've seen pantyhose on girls, from there. I wanted to wear them. I use to sneak my mother's. Then, I found pantyhose in the garbage, washed them and worn. And then. I decided to buy my own. I like the feeling on my feet and... I don't know. I became addicted to this".
I take my foot near his and compare them. So interesting... A man addicted to pantyhose. Just like I am to smoking. I am thinking at my best words. I made it! I opened him up! Now, let's take all the information, all the juice out from him.
"Don't worry", I say. "You are welcome. I like to learn new things and talk to unconventional people. I never knew there is a pantyhose fetish and there are men wearing pantyhose. Honestly, I appreciate your effort to keep your addiction hidden." Then, I look at his exposed pantyhose again, with a smile. "You know, I also like the feel of pantyhose on my feet. You can see that I am wearing them. I like how it feels to rub your feet one to another. Just don't worry about anything".
I look in his eyes and he seem like saved from a car crash. But then, the radio beeps.
"A train is coming. I need to prepare the switches. Make yourself comfortable and take off your shoes and socks. I want to learn more".
I move out to the station and change the switches. It takes about 10 minutes from when you hear the radio and the train arrives. Then, I move to the center of the platform, lighting a cigarette. A train composed of two engines and about 30 wagons struggle to move upstream. The engineer shouts:
"Hi Ana! Have a good night!"
"See you in the morning, Frederic!" I answer.
I contact nearby stations, then throw the used cigarette and move back in the house. And as I expected, I find this guy, with his shoes and socks removed and with his pantyhosed feet exposed. He even turned up his pants to the knee. I examine his feet. So much hair on them! If you look from some distance, they look nice, but from close... all that hair is not good.
"You are the only person who found out", he sais. "Not my parents, nobody at the university and nor my coworkers managed to find out this.
"No problem. Nothing will pass me. Just tell me. What do you think of pantyhose?"
"They are amazing. I wish men would have the right to wear them too. I love to watch women with pantyhose. Well, not the women. Their feet."
This is something. Not the women, but their feet? Could he be a sfenist?
"Why not the women?" I ask. "Why don't try to get a girlfriend with pantyhose, so you can watch her all your life?"
"I am not a bull running over cows" he answers.
"Have you ever touched pantyhose on a women's feet?" I ask him.
"On a few occasions".
Now comes a hard moment. On a few occasions? I take a long drag of smoke and almost digest it, together with my thoughts.
"Are you married?" I ask, already knowing the answer will be no, from his eyes.
"No".
"Do you have a girlfriend?"
"Now? No".
"Did you have a girlfriend?"
"I had, but never found one to worth it. All were just looking for money. I don't like that kind of people".
Oh mine, he might be a sfenist! Now, let's try the impossible. It almost makes me shake.
"Sorry to ask you... But are you even a bit gay?"
"No, I am not gay. I never liked gay people. Seen some in my life, but never liked what they were doing".
"I knew it. But it looks like you are not much into women, either. This is very interesting. You love pantyhose. One would expect you to try the best to seduce a girl wearing pantyhose, but instead, you decided to actually wear pantyhose. You changed the woman with the idea."
"You are smart. It almost looks like you can read my thoughts from my eyes".
"In fact, I can" I say. He doesn't know my training in physiognomy reading. "I also love to study unusual people, sexual minorities and unconventional thinking. Well, I have to say it to you, directly. Are you a sfenist?"
He took a few seconds to think. "I don't know what that is".
"Well..." This left me without even air to breath. Air? I need smoke, to give me strength. So, I light again and take two short drags. "Well, I don't know the exact English term for this." Again, I need to focus a bit. Take another drag, you need it, Ana! "A sfenist is... a sexual minority."
"Like gay?" he sais very surprised.
"No, not quite. There are many sexual minorities. And the largest of all are the asexual people. This include all people who cannot or feel no pleasure in having sex. Asexual people include maybe more then normal, or heterosexual people and by far more then homosexual groups. Think about all the children and all the elders. But there are many sub-categories among the asexual people". I need a break, to take again two drags. "You know what an impotent is?"
"I do. A person that cannot have sex".
"More complex that is. A structural impotent cannot have sex. A functional impotent can have sex, but cannot make children. People in the second category can have a family life, still. But there is a third category and they are called sfenists. It is something very rare and always is caused by something that changed one's life beyond recovery."
Again I take two drags. This is hard for me to say, a secret that has haunted my entire life. Does this stranger deserve to know this? I might tell him what a sfenist is, but not tell him that I am one.
"A sfenist is a person that has the genetic and biological power to mate and have children, but has not the psychological power. A psychological impotent."
As I say this, his eyes are starring at me. I can see he is amazed, surprised and trying to hide a secret. What does this pantyhose man hide?
"Well, sfenists are rare. About one person in 3000 is one. And by far, majority are women." I again take a deep drag and the smoke enters my eyes. "A sfenist is not born this way. They are made. I never seen one born as a sfenist. Usually, there must be something traumatic. A rape, a pedophile, an abuse very powerful to turn your life into hell. Not everyone can recover from this. Many people will never be able to have sex ever again." I take the last drag from the filter, all tobacco is gone. "I know a woman. Her husband realized that he is gay and abandoned her after 20 years of marriage. The shock was so hard that she became a sfenist. Some will never be able to have sex again, some will do, but it will be a pain and not a pleasure".
I put the filter in the ashtray.
"But there are also other kind of sfenists and in this category we find maybe more men then women", I say. "It all starts in early childhood. If the parents decide that your destiny in life is to learn, they will cut you off from all the pleasures of life. The only thing that matters is to learn. School and nothing else. That is your purpose in life, to get to the best university. However, this ends with deep scars. As the child grows up, it feels sexual attraction it its body, but cannot dare to look for love. Some might not even realize what love is. You see a girl in pantyhose, you think you like the pantyhose, but in fact the first feeling you had was for the girl. What remains for the child? It grows up, but cannot date someone. But hormones exist in your body. And so, at some point, the child will learn how to masturbate. And here comes all. This is self-satisfaction. As time passes, it becomes harder and harder to get a date. And after many years, they find out that they don't satisfy their partners in bed and even that... they find almost no pleasure for themselves. Masturbation satisfies them much better."
He listens all I say, carefully. Then sais:
"Do you think I am a sfenist?"
"Do you feel like you are one?" I ask.
"I don't know. I think you answered better then I ever could, where my attraction for pantyhose started. Who learned you all this?"
"An 60 year old psychologist woman. I cannot tell you if you are a sfenist or not. You are the only one who can figure it out".
"I guess I am. I fit into second category. At school, I was a book grinder. My parents inspired me this behavior. But, there is something else. Since you seem to read through my eyes. As a child, I've been abused by a gay person. It took me years to recover. Even now, when I smell the sweat of a man, I have butterflies in my stomach. But I think I survived and left this behind".
I think he deserves to know now.
"People from the mine have told things about me, that I don't give my heart to anyone. And that I've attacked guys who tried to touch me. Now, you can see why. I belong to the first category. And you are the only one in this village to know. I chosen you because I smelled that you are a sfenist too. Never ever tell anyone this".
"I won't. Ever".
It is now getting late. I leave him to sleep in the kitchen again, while I go to the house. But it's hard to sleep now. For the first time, I found a male sfenist. So unexpected. I get to bed and light a cigarette in the night. Looking at the dim red light, I wonder... Will I make him smoke? Will I make his lungs happy? Sure I will.
How is to be a sfenist?
Pain. Just like watching your death. Just like Vesuvius destroyed Pompeii beyond recovery. But the real pain is just starting. Those who survived the volcano lost all they had: the ones they loved, their homes, their fortunes. They had to start a new life and rebuild all... but as a different life... if they ever recovered.
A sfenist
The radio beeps and I wake up. The 3 AM train is coming. This happens every night. This is why I never sleep in night clothes, but with a dress that would suit for outside somehow. I get out of bed, light a cigarette and cross the river to the station. The train passes like in every day, as the engineer hails me. Usually, then I go back to sleep until past 6. But not this time.
Is this stranger really a sfenist? Better be, if he wants to live. I stay in the station, on the bench. It is dark outside. No light, the sky is dark. I take a deep drag from my cigarette. How I became a sfenist? That horrible incident that transformed a cute and polite girl into what I am now. That infidel (may his soul rot in the deepest infected part of hell). When he lied that he wants me to help find forest fruits. Then, he started beating me, put his socks in my mouth and took the knife to my neck. I was only 12 or 14. Then he raped me. I look in his eyes and all I could see is not pleasure, just a demonic instinct. His eyes were burning like the shores of hell. Oh. Even after all these years, I cannot recover. My body starts shaking and I feel cold through my body and sweat. May his soul suffer forever for this!
But that was nothing compared to what was to come. For months, I had nightmares. I woke up many times screaming, dreaming about snakes from hell, covered with something slimy and entering my mouth. My sisters could not sleep with me any longer. My parents prayed to Allah, prayed to God, prayed to our ancient gods, to all spirits, all saints and all angels, but I needed a long time to recover. For a long time, I could not tolerate an adult male closer then a few meters from me. One day, I went to the reservoir to have a bath. When I seen adult men resting on the shores, taking a sunbath, I started shaking and ran away immediately.
I take another drag from my cigarette, thinking again. Years passed, but in vain. Many things changed, but not all. At high school, guys were looking after girls. And why not? Some of them were really handsome. So, I said to myself: Why not? There was one who really was interested in me. We went to a park and he started to touch me. It was like worms were getting out from his hands and covering my body with a slimy infected goo. Then, he moved his hands towards my breast, close to my neck. Immediately, I took my purse and hit him so hard in the head. It was not me. It was my body, rejecting him. I hit him probably 10 times, then shouted: "Leave me alone, infidel!". He looked at me surprised and scared, while I was crying.
Each time some guy tried to touch me, the same happened. I hit him with anything I could.
When the news reached school, there was a TV series running, Xena, the warrior princess. So, I become Xena! only that I had no boots. Guys tried again to flirt with me. But one day, in the school yard, one guy, Abdul, tried more then made sense. He was always looking for me and I could see in his eyes all the sin, like a flare. He touched my neck just where that infidel once hung his knife... and in the next second Abdul was on the floor and I was beating him with my feet. At that time, there was another TV show: Andromeda, the destroyer of worlds. So, I became Andromeda.
I became proud of this. Hey, one guy sent my life to hell, now I am making all guys to pay for this! Just what they deserve! I became an androgin (a person that hates men).
I light a new cigarette, still sitting on the bench in the dark cold of the night. I look at the cigarette... What gave me a new identity? What saved me? Smoking. Yes. The cigarettes. I was long called Princess Nicotine from school. At high school, this became Nicotiana. And later, as a shorter name, Ana. When I got a job on the railway, I lied and wrote my name as Ana.
From time to time, people said I needed psychological treatment. They say sfenists can be cured, if they are treated immediately. It is only in part true. We can be treated, but we never recover. And if this is not done fast, there is nothing left to do. But what good to make love with a guy if you feel only pain and remorse? Why should I? Just because everybody does it?
Then came light into my life. At the University, I had some extra classes of Psychology, that allows me to work in a school. There, I found an old teacher, who was talking to us very openly. So, I came to her and told her my life. What she said was the light of my new life. Just as when you light a cigarette, it comes to life.
"You are a sfenist, my dear", she said.
She explained me what a sexual minority is and that we, sfenists, are just like any human, only that we cannot have a sexual life. Or if somehow we can, it will not be pleasure. She told me about other sfenists that she found. Even more, she decided to take me to a sfenist couple. Incredibly, they had a child, made artificial. I was amazed of the love I seen in their eyes. Much more affection then in classic couples!
I meet a few sfenists, the vast majority of them girls. All were happy and trying to help. One of them told me:
"Vesuvius destroyed the town of Pompeii beyond recovery and the ocean destroyed Atlantis beyond any chance of salvation. There is no way to rebuild a life that you've lost. Instead, accept what you are and be a friend of yourself. Build a new life, starting from what you are now. It will never be the same, but it will make you happy".
From that day on, I am Ana, the sfenist. The only people that know this, are other sfenists and my parents. And the teacher who saved my soul. I am Ana, Nicotiana, Princess Nicotine. My purpose in life is to help other people with anything I can, but all idiots with extra testosterone should know that this kindness is doubled with the sharp blade of a sword.
I remain on the bench for too long. What time is it? Once there was a cigarette in my hand, now there is only a filter left. Soon will be morning. I look at my feet, covered with a layer of pantyhose. The toes are not visible in this dim light. I must go to the house and put on day clothes. And for the stranger, what sort of breakfast should I make?
So, I get in the house and take a longer skirt, but short enough so that he can see my feet, booties and a sweater. Now, I directly enter the kitchen and start making breakfast. I wake him up. Well, sorry, this is my kitchen after all. This morning we have eggs!
"Did you sleep well?" I ask.
"Yes, had some bad dreams..."
"Don't worry! Well, my chicken made some eggs and this will be our breakfast, with a glass of milk and two slices of bread. Hope you like it!"
"Never wished for more. At the mine, in mornings, I used to eat a pretzel or a pack of biscuits".
"Good you are not into meat!" I say laughing "cause we don't have much anyway".
"No problem, Nicotiana".
"Come on, move out of bed! It is starting to get light outside" I say, trying to take his blanket away.
"One second..."
"You have nothing to hide, I know about your pantyhose" I say with a big smile. "So, just let me see!"
He does as I said, staying on the bed and exposing his pantyhosed feet up to the knee. I sit on the bed near him until the eggs are cooked. Then, I take our food on two plates and give him one. I sit near him, on the bed. We eat quietly. But I feel he wants to say something. I can see this in his eyes. I just wait and eat in silence, thinking of something. Maybe, just as smoking gave me a new identity as Ana, pantyhose gave him a new identity. Who knows? If this is the case, his life is strongly connected with this. But only if he really is a sfenist. If not, I will be giving him his eggs to eat for breakfast.
We finish eating and I take the plates and wash them in a plastic basin. Then, I take two cigarettes: on for me and one for him. I know he will only light it and not smoke, but... I must be patient. He will smoke one day or another. I have to make him used to this.
"Nicotiana", he sais, "I must confess something to you".
"Please, tell me".
"You are the only person in this world that I have the closest".
I look amazed in his eyes and almost I drop my cigarette from my fingers. What is this?
"You are the only one in the world that I have. And you are the only sfenist that I know" he sais with a trembling voice. "This is the truth and you are the only person in the world that showed me it".
I can see his eyes getting wet. This can't be!
"What happened in my life, nobody could understand, even if I told some people. Even my parents never understood" he sais with a bit more secure voice. "I told you I was raped by a gay at high school and I never recovered. For years I had problems. One day, in summer, I was in a minibus. It was hot, people were wearing as little clothes as possible. Smelling the sweat of other men and seeing their exposed skin... made me almost starting to kill people there. I said I am sick and ordered the driver to stop in the middle of nowhere. I moved outside and started to throw-up. The driver waited me to recover or to call an ambulance, but I didn't want. I just walked 7 km on foot to the nearest village".
I look amazed at him. Yes, he really is a sfenist.
"The real reason I am here is because I ran away", he sais. "I ran from my parents, who forced me to get a normal life, to go to psychological treatment and even forced me to have sex. Now, you know all".
He stays unmoved for a few minutes. I light another cigarette. Then, I gently touch his head and his hands.
"Don't worry, there is nobody that can harm you here. You've come to the end of the world, now it's time to end your former life that you could not follow and start a new life. It is time to be you. Time to discover yourself. Just as I did at my time. Just accept that you, like me, belong to a sexual minority and you cannot follow a classic life. Think for a second about the gay people".
"Gay people?" he answers surprised and with some anger. "A gay did this to me and sent my life to trash".
"No", I say. "Do you know that there are sfenists who are gay? Gay people are not good or bad, they are just people, like anyone, like us. The one who destroyed my life was not gay. And at the University, when I found out that I belong to a sexual minority, I came closer to a group of homosexuals and lesbians to understand them. Beside their unusual intimate life, they are humans, like all of us. Nothing bad is with them".
He looks at me, amazed. "For half the night I couldn't sleep. I was only thinking about what you said, that I am a sfenist".
"The same happened to me when I realized this. Just try to understand that you are different. And stop listening to people who try to force you out of your way. Just be yourself. Ok? This is the way. Build your new life based on what your heart tells you to do and not on others".
Then I look again at his pantyhosed feet. I directly touch his knee and feel the soft fabric.
"I suppose your pantyhose addiction has something to do with your trauma".
"I built this addiction stronger after that incident. Yes, you might be write. Who knows how my brain acted".
"Well," I say "Maybe your new identity wants to be more feminine. Maybe this is your new you. If this is the case, then don't hide. Accept what you are! Not accepting will only make you suffer".
"Maybe... I don't know. In part, yes. But it is also that I want, in a sort, to become the woman I dream to have... well not a real woman, an imaginary one. As a sfenist, there is no way I can get into a strong relationship".
"I have nothing against if you want to wear a dress or make-up or expose your feet. After all, people think I am crazy and some think I am a witch! They will say I made something to you".
Saying this, makes me laugh. And I laugh... and he laughs too.
"You know, I did this, but behind closed doors. I dressed-up with woman clothes from my mom. The only thing I do wear is pantyhose, because they are easy to hide, they are cheap and I have this addiction for them".
"I noticed your addiction. And to make you happy, I have been wearing pantyhose every day and night from when you appeared".
"Oh, you shouldn't do that" he sais surprised. "You have done already too many things for me, that I will never be able to repay".
"You don't need to pay me anything. Just to listen to what I say and that's all. I want to help you".
But the train is coming and he has to go to the mine. Before this, I tell him to let dirty clots (pantyhose included) for me to wash. So, I move out and let him dress for work. We go to the station when the radio beeps. The old, rusted passenger train struggles to climb these mountains to the mine, over these damaged rails, never repaired since they were laid here. He enters the train as I light another cigarette.
*****
At the mine, our stranger (or Atan as miners call him) arrives and looks tired. At the lunch break, coworkers come to eat near him.
"Hey, Atan, it looks like you survived. But why are you so tired?" sais a worker.
"Maybe he did something last night, folks" sais another one.
"No, no. Just... we talked a lot".
"Wow! You talked a lot? And did not touch her? Did you kiss her?"
"No".
"Beat it, man! She is the hottest girl in these mountains and you are sitting face to face with a goddess? I don't believe it! If I were you, I would have put a pillow on her face and rape the hell out of her".
"Come on, people", sais Atan. "She is not into this. We talked about the mine, about the world where I come from, about stars, Astronomy..."
"Stars, astronomy? I think she is doing something to you. Get out, buddy! Will you? I never seen a man to be with her and leave in one piece".
"Well, if I die, you guys drink a beer for me, cause I won't be able to drink it".
Everyone laughs.
*****
Like every day, my parents come to me at noon. They check if I am ok. We do little exchanges: I give them vegetables and they give me milk, I give them handmade cigarettes and they give me homemade bread. Things like that.
"Small wonder, I went to the mine and I've seen this guy", my dad says. "Also, I talked with Rudolf and Hans, the two Germans from Ganymede. He is someone important. He came here to help geological research and for sure he will move away. He only works at the for a limited time".
"Al I want is to help him. He is a sfenist".
"What?" say my parents amazed.
"It is not like that. He ran away from his world. Just as I did".
"Maybe my prays have been listened", says my mom.
"As long as he is here, I want to help him. You know what the Quran and the Bible both say. Helping others is important and is the purpose of my life".
"It is your life", says my dad. "Do what your heart tells you, but be careful".
My parents leave and I start doing house cleanup. I wash clothes in two plastic basins with my hands. Then I put his clothes in the kitchen, on the bed. And even more. I pick a skirt that is too large for me. Maybe this will make him happy.
At evening, as I wait the train to come, I start talking to my shadow:
"What do you thing this will lead to?"
"He won't leave" my shadow answers.
"So, he will remain here".
"I think so".
"Maybe I should also listen more to my heart. If a man can wear pantyhose, then I can do my wildest dreams. I am obsessed of green. How if I paint my hair in green?"
"Your parents will get angry".
"I don't care".
The train comes. We meet at the train platform and move to the house after I radio call nearby stations and let the train to go. There, I show him the washed clothes. surprised, he changes and takes the skirt. He looks somehow strange: half man, half woman. The upper part of his body is that of a man, but the lower part is of a woman. Only that I need to do something with his hair. That doesn't look good. But even so, he is amazed and thanks me for all this.
We eat together, on the bed, with our feet up. Our toes even touch one each other. All I see in his eyes is satisfaction, happiness. "This is, Ana! The reason you exist is to make people happy!" I say to myself. After I eat, I light a cigarette and give him one too.
"Please, Nicotiana, I don't smoke".
"You should", I answer.
"You know what smoking does to your body".
"I never believed that".
"But there are so many doctors saying this" he insists.
"I don't care. Neither should you".
"When you will be 70, you will see I am right".
"My grandparents have 80 and smoke and they are healthy. My great-grandparents smoked all their life and... one was shot, one died in a railway accident, none of smoking".
I take another cigarette and light it, then I put it between my toes. The image of pantyhose and cigarettes should turn his fetish on.
"I think our addictions could work together just fine", I say. "Just look. I have been wearing pantyhose always, to make you happy. Now you should start smoking for me... if you want to make me happy".
"I don't feel any attraction to smoking, even if holding a cigarette between your toes was amazing".
This makes me angry, but let's hide my anger. I have to be patient.
"suppose you drive a car" I say. "And the car starts moving out of the road. What do you do?"
"I turn the wheel in a different direction, to stay on the road".
"Very good. Now, the car is you, the road is your new path in life and I am the driver. Until you are ready to drive on your own, I will have to take sometimes the wheel to save you. This might make you anger, but in the end you will thank me".
"I won't be angry, even if you break a bottle of beer in my head" he sais and makes me laugh.
"We'll see. You are still at the beginning".
I take the cigarette from my toes and smoke what is left from it. Then I take another one and put it in his mouth. He doesn't want, but I look him with anger. He has to! But this is enough for today.
"You will smoke, like it or not! Nobody dared to oppose me in this question. I convinced so many people to start, you will not escape!" I say for myself.
Who knows what tomorrow the day will bring? There were already too many surprises for me... and for him. I start thinking that he will remain with me. But only if he starts smoking. If not, he has nothing to do with me, with Nicotiana. I cannot accept any failure about this. He might be the only male sfenist in these mountains, but I have lived a happy life alone too.
If he doesn't want to start smoking, I will make him taste the bitter like so many other guys, because I am Nicotiana. Half such a pleasant substance, that I cannot live without... and half such a deadly toxin that a few grams of pure nicotine can kill a person. His choice.
Smokers smoke in their lifetime about 3 times their weight in tobacco. Given the same daily dose of smoke to majority of birds, they will die in weeks. Horses will not make it for an year. Dogs and cats don't survive over a few years... but humans seem to live with it for their entire life. It is like the Creator knew humans will smoke and built them stronger lungs.
A scientist, around 2004
Two weeks have passed since an outsider has come to our mountains, at the end of the world. He sleeps here in my home, in the kitchen, going every day to work. When he has a free day, I send him to buy what we need in the house. We are best friends, but not lovers. Everything has got exactly where I wanted it to go, but except for one thing: I didn't manage to make him smoke. I tried to tease him, to talk to him, but how long will it take? A different strategy must be token.
He accepted to transform into whatever his heart wants. I am just helping. No need to hide his addiction for pantyhose. In house, he can wear them without problems, even with a skirt, be as feminine as he wants to. I told him about the hair on the feet and accepted to take it down. To epilate. I don't shave my feet, like other women, just epilate. It is painful and I do this when I am angry. Anger can overcome any pain. But for him, the first time was a nightmare. I even tried to epilate his beard and mustache, but it was too painful. Maybe later or maybe one square cm at a time.
And there is another thing that has to come yet. As I long abandoned my real name and became Ana or Nicotiana, he must one day find a new name. But that day hasn't come. So, I don't talk with him using a name. I know he has a real name and a nickname along his coworkers, but he needs a new one. He will know when time will come.
After 4 days of work, he has one day free. this is the policy at the mine. For me, at the railway, I offer service 24/7. I work non-stop, with other words. If I want to leave, I need to call someone else. Usually my sisters would do it, even if they are not qualified for this job... but anyway I am the only one qualified on this railway. Well, just don't care.
Today, he must arrive earlier. He is free and I sent him downstream, to Jupiter, the largest town (and the only one) in this area. He went shopping. Usually a woman should do this, but I wanted himself. Why? To make him buy woman items. I wait in the station and the train appears soon. I wait for the train to stop, signal nearby stations by radio and then give a 'go' signal to the train. All is ok. So, we cross the river and enter the kitchen.
"What do you have?" I ask.
He opens the bags. Wow! I asked him to buy only a few things, but he got so many. Most of sure from his money. He is very careful to see what I like and what not. He knows that I like green more then anything. Well, he bought me a green dress, a green winter coat and even... green pantyhose. So sweet! I wrote on the list a few female items for himself, but without pointing out that. He sure realized this: some platform sandals, pantyhose and shorts. Also, in the bags are a few other things needed for daily life.
The second bag contains something else. I wrote on the list some cigarette brands. Usually I smoke handmade cigarettes, since I grow my own tobacco, but sometimes I buy some. Will he understand why I both all this? Majority are slims: Parliament Slims, Glamour, Vogue, Virginia, but also some Kent and Pall Mall. Usual brands. Does he know that they are for him? My patience has gone to the limit. It will be now or never. Smoke or die. I just hope I won't pass that point where anger gets over the limits and I erupt like a volcano... when I am no longer a woman, but a man or even an animal... when from an angel I become a demon with two swords.
He enters the kitchen, to change the outfit, then I do the same. We then enter both and sort the things that he both. We eat, then I go out, because the evening train comes from the mine. Then, I return to the kitchen. This time, I feel it. It's now or never. I won't care that he is a sfenist and he is completely alone. So, I take a deep breath and enter.
I wear the new green dress, with the green winter coat. I made a trick and over the green pantyhose I added fishnets. This gives a completely different look to my feet, even if rubbing them together does not give the same soft sensation. And cheap open-toe plastic slippers. He has a dark grey sweater and a white shirt beneath, a knee-length brown skirt and half-opaque tights, also with some kind of grey, but with some flowers designed on. He wears the open-toe platform sandals. The upper half of his body looks like that of a man. But his feet look like of a woman. Hardly visible from his pantyhose are his toenails, which I painted a few days ago into a shiny pink, unlike mine which are always green.
"Thank you for buying me all these green clothes" I say.
"For all you've done to me, this is nothing".
"Come on, stop saying that. You know well that I don't like it. I help you when I can and with what I can and you help me when you can and with what you can".
"It was my pleasure to get you green clothes" he says. "I know you love this color more then anything, Nicotiana".
"Speaking of Nicotiana", I say, "shouldn't be nice to light a cigarette? We have a lot of brands now".
"Yes, I think there are 16 or so packs. But they all look counterfeited".
"Does it matter? There is not much difference anyway. Just give me one pack of the slims".
He gives me one and I take two cigarettes. They are so slim. Will I get any nicotine from them? I start playing with the pack on my knees, while he keeps on looking.
"You see what is written here? 'Smoking might kill!' What do you say about that?" I ask him.
"Just what I told you many times, that smoking might get you killed. You smoke like a thermal plant. One day you will regret it".
"I would put the words in another way. You see, just inverse it. 'Smoking might kill' backwards. It becomes 'the killer might smoke'. Better?"
He laughs, while I only smile a bit.
"Yes, the killer might smoke. And if he has nothing to smoke, he will kill you to get your cigarettes or at least money to buy some".
Again, he laughs, but I only smile. He doesn't know what will happen.
"There is one more thing that I want to do this evening: to paint my hair. A mild red-brown color should fit me, even if I would like green. What do you say?"
"It is all in your heart. If you like green, it should be better, but I didn't see green paint anywhere".
So, I start to prepare the paint. Then, I ask him:
"Do you want to paint your hair too?"
"What will people at the mine say about this? I don't think it is a good idea".
"Well, it seems you want, but your job forces you. But there is something we could do" I say, further with my plan in mind.
He listens to me, watching as I prepare the paint in a bowl placed on my knees.
"A similar color to my hair?" he asks curious.
"Some sort of dark brown, that would be feminine but suitable for a man".
"People at the mine will look very curious about this. But for you, I will do it. Only it must not be too colored".
I keep on preparing the paint for me and thinking in silence. Then, I start putting the paint on my hair. And then, I mix the ingredients for his hair. A dark brown, with a glimpse of red. Feminine but suitable for a man. I let him mix the paint in the same bowl, placed on his knees, just as I did before. But, I help him apply the paint. There is no way for him to know.
"My coworkers will look at me like a duck at a railway barrier" he says while I apply the paint.
"Just tell them that 'Ana did it to me' and they will understand. Maybe I made you some sorcery. For sure this is what they will say. Only that I do all things with a reason".
"No", he replies. "They say that you will kill me".
"It might be true one day", I answer. "It all depends on you. And that day might be closer then you think".
Hearing this, he opens such large eyes, like I've never seen. I shouldn't have tell him this already... but maybe it's better. Just keep him with some frustration and be one step ahead. Just like in a chess game, be with one move ahead. Be ready to give him a check when he doesn't move as you expect, but let him play, thinking he will win. No. I am in charge here.
we say nothing, until I finish making his hair. We now have to wait a while, for the paint to get in. Time to light a cigarette. Oh, my body needs that nicotine!
"I have a little question", I say. "What do you think if you compare the feet of a woman with pantyhose and one without pantyhose".
"Obviously, I prefer the one with pantyhose. The other pair of feet have nothing to show".
"Tell me more".
"Here is a comparison for this. Feet covered with pantyhose are like a planet covered by an atmosphere. They are like Earth, like Venus or Mars, like Titan. Each brand has its own thickness and its own color, its own softness, just like the atmosphere covering a planet. Each is different and completely changes the foot into something new. Feet without pantyhose are like a planet without atmosphere. Like the Moon, like Mercury. They are nude, dead, expressionless, just a desert without anything. You see the desolated surface instead of the softness of an atmosphere".
So interesting words! And there is some truth in this.
We keep on speaking about space exploration for a while, waiting for our hair to be ready. Then, I heat some water to wash our hair in a trough. He adapted well to the conditions here. No bath, no flowing water, no washing machine, none of the luxuries of civilization. The result is gorgeous. I got the hair a bit lighter then intended, but a pleasant color. He looks more feminine, but still is a man. Good! Now time to move forward. I put my feet in the bed and he does the same, watching me playing with the pantyhose on my toes.
Then, I light another cigarette and throw him the packet of Parliament Slims.
"Pantyhose only cover the surface, like an atmosphere", I say, carefully watching his feet. "There is something else. A planet needs an active core. When the core is dead, you have no volcanism, no plate tectonics, no life. A planet without an active core is like dead. Covering a dead planet with an atmosphere will only create an illusion of life, but will not bring the planet to life".
"What do you mean?" he asks surprised.
"What I want to say is that pantyhose only covers the surface, while there must be something inside. Smoking does this. Just watch" as I take a deep inhale. "This smoke enters my lungs. From there, it gets into my blood, then to the heart. Not only nicotine, there are many substances in smoke. And all of them are in my body now. Smoke keeps on moving through my arteries and my veins, until it exits the blood into the liquid between cells. And from there, it reach every cellular membrane and enters every cell of my body. While pantyhose only covers my feet from the outside, nicotine reaches my feet from the inside. Only that you cannot see it, but I can feel it".
I take another drag. "And when I blow the smoke out, it goes out with a part of me. This smoke has been inside me and has token a bit of myself and now it is in this room" I speak while smoke gets slowly out from my mouth, together with the words. "And then, it gets out from this room, in the atmosphere. It can enter your lungs and so you get a bit of me".
He looks amazed at this.
"Just like the volcanic moons Io and Enceladus" I say, while smoking again. "You know that Enceladus feeds one of the rings around Saturn and plumes from the volcanoes of Io create a radiation belt around Jupiter and in the end lands on the planet".
"Wow! I never thought about this", he says with such amazed eyes.
"Look at my feet now. You can see pantyhose and fishnets, just like an atmosphere and a stratosphere. But if you look beneath, you see a living, active world".
While I say this, I take his hand and make him touch my feet, from toes to heel. Then, I take his hand and make him feel his own feet, from knee down towards the toes.
"And now look at your planet" I say. "It has a thick atmosphere, maybe suitable for life, but it is dead. Only very small seismic atmosphere from ejected plumes by planet Ana and a 2/5 nicotine orbital resonance with myself. Nothing else. You are dead, unnamed planet, even if you look alive".
He looks at me, as I take the pack of Parliament Slims from his lap and put it in his hand.
"All these cigarettes are yours now".
He looks scared now. He tries to speak, but finds no words.
"I strongly appreciate this, Nicotiana, but..." he grumbles. "But... but I am not a smoker and I will not smoke".
"Well, remember what I told you a week ago about the car?" I say.
"Yes. That you are the driver and I am the car and you will pull the wheel if needed, to keep me on track".
"Well, now, I will have to. And here is the way. I painted your hair for a reason. Everything I do is for a reason".
"Oh my..." he whispers scared, like realizing what will happen.
"This is a message", I continue, with much authority in voice. "Not for you, it is for the people in the mine. I painted your hair so all of them will know".
"Will know what?"
"That you smoke. From now on and for the rest of your life. You can quit only two years after you die!"
"I won't smoke" he hesitates me.
I take a final drag and throw the filter in the bowl where we prepared the paint.
"Stand up! Now!" I shout. "There, near the floor! Do it, right now!"
He moves automatically, listening to my orders. I take the longest knife I have in the kitchen and put it near my neck, as he looks so scared, sweating and whispering he knows what.
"Long time ago, an infidel raped me and all time placed a knife right here. So, I know well how it feels. And I understand that you also know".
"Have you ever killed someone?" he says, almost crying.
"Maybe yes, maybe now, it's not your problem. The thing is as follows, infidel. There are only two ways to get out of this building. One is as a smoker, the other is inside a coffin. What should it be? I will only ask you twice. The third time, I will kill you. Do you understand?"
He stays immobile and not answering anything.
"Do you understand?" I shout as loud as I can.
He moves his head affirmative.
"So", I continue. "What should it be? Smoke or die?"
He hesitates a while, then says:
"I will not smoke".
"First answer. You have a second chance".
"You realize that I will say 'yes' and tomorrow I will run away" he says.
"Where?" I answer. "I know these mountains better then you. Christians, Muslims, Idolaters, extremists, smugglers, drug traffickers, illegal forest cuttings and a lot of savages much more dangerous then me. Just take someone's hat off his head and he will instantly try to kill you. Don't say you will take the train, there is no way to pass me. And don't say you will live at the mine, cause I can sneak in, as I did many times. The only way out is the railway. There are no roads... and you cannot get in a train past me. You cannot run as fast as I do. And all this, if you manage to escape this room".
He doesn't say anything now, just looks at me.
"There is another thing, I continue, speaking loud and rare. "You know I can see in your eyes the truth. You cannot lie to me. If you don't say the truth, I will know. So, I let you wait just the time I will smoke a cigarette. Then, it is time for an answer".
I light the cigarette, keeping the knife at his neck. Oh mine, what I've become. Am I really going to kill him? How could he resist so long? Actually I never killed anyone. Well, what should be better to do, to encourage him to take the right choice? I don't want to kill him, I've never done this before, but now I've gone too far. Really too far.
"Think smart, infidel!" I say to him.
I see the sweat on his face, the terror inside his brain, all veins are visible and he looks at my knife. He is shaking.
"Time is ticking..." I say, showing the cigarette half burned.
Why does he not smoke? Where does this one have so much strength? Nobody resisted me that long. And I never had to go this far.
"Hey! You are not the first infidel I've killed. There are other... seven".
Hope this will scare him. I look at the cigarette. Two more smokes and it's gone. Let's make them longer then ever. I take one and keep it for long in my chest. Then I wait, as he is hyperventilating. He almost cannot control his breath. I hear some groans, with a half-opened mouth.
"Just look at you! What a shame! " I say with a smile and satisfaction. "You will lie to me. You will say yes and tomorrow will try the best to run from the mine. There is no way to escape from me, you know that. But why bothering me to search for you, when I'd better kill you right now, without giving you the chance. Why not to kill you right now?"
I take the last drag. Almost no tobacco left, only the filter. No visible smoke gets out of my mouth. I throw the filter on the floor.
"Time's up! Well, I am like to keep my word and I will ask you a second time. But since your eyes tell me you will lie, I'd better kill you now and ask you later. You will answer me then!" I say, laughing. "What a freak!"
Now or never, Ana!
I grab his neck with one hand and squeeze so hard, that he certainly cannot breath. He tries to take my hands away, but the second hand, with the knife, gets closer and touches his face. My knife is making a wound below his right eye. He tries to take my hand out, but with no results. I know what I am doing. Pushing hard with my fingers on the carotid artery and jugular vein, his brain will not have oxygen. But wait! He seems to lose power. Did I kill him? I take my hands off.
He falls down. No, he is not dead, still breathing, but almost a zombie. I sit down on the ground, looking straight in his eyes, with the knife pointing to his left eye.
"Now, I ask you one last time, infidel. What should it be? Smoke or die?"
He grumbles something unintelligible, but moves his head like an 'yes'.
There is a strange smell. When I look, he pissed on himself. I give him some water and wash his face, covered with sweat. I let him one minute, then open one pack of slims and give him a cigarette. He takes it. I give him my lighter and he does what must do. First drag ends with a cough. The second one, the same. I give him water to drink.
"What was so hard?" I ask.
"Were you really going to kill me?" he asks.
"Yes", I answer sharp.
"Your eyes looked like not willing to".
"You don't know how to read my eyes yet".
I help him stand up and let him to wash and change cloths. Then, I look him sharp into his eyes.
"Say after me the next thing!"
He moves his head as affirmative.
"I swear..."
"I swear..."
"On the holly names of all gods..."
"On the holly names of all gods..."
"On all angels and all saints..."
"On all angels and all saints..."
"And all spirits and ghosts..."
"And all spirits and ghosts..."
"That I will smoke..."
"That I will smoke..."
"Until the last moment of my life..."
"Until the last moment of my life..."
"If I will fail..."
"If I will fail..."
"I accept to die..."
"I accept to die..."
"In the worse possible way..."
"In the worse possible way..."
"And suffer the worse in the afterlife."
"And suffer the worse in the afterlife."
I give him another slim cigarette which he lights-up immediately, then I invite him for the first time inside the house.
"From now on, we will sleep in the same room".
We throw ourselves in bed, overwhelmed by this day. I never imagined it will be so hard. Almost have killed him. Usually, outsiders have much weaker characters, but this guy sure is different. Such a strength! I just cannot sleep. I light another cigarette and immediately he does the same. All, until I hear the radio beeps. The 3 AM train will come. Need to go and check the line.
The morning comes. I think none of us had a night sleep. We eat together, then smoke together. Well, he coughs more then smokes. Then, we head for the station. The workers' train will come soon. But I know how to make sure he will smoke at the mine. Not only that I give him a pack of slims in face of all people waiting the train, but I say to people on the station:
"If he doesn't smoke, I'll kill him. Watch him and tell me!"
*****
At the mine, Atan arrives very tired and with his new hair color. His coworkers look at this thing. They've never seen a man with colored hair.
"What happened to you, buddy?"
"Oh man! It looks like you've been pushing wagons upstream all the way to here!" says another worker.
"Nicotiana painted my hair".
"I told you she is insane. She might kill you one day".
"She almost did it last night" says Atan, showing the wound near his eye.
"You should have stayed here with us, man!"
"No. I will return to her. We are family now!"
"You mean you did something with her? Last night?"
"Yeah. I did" says Atan, looking up at the mountains.
All workers shout and beat their hands.
"Atan, you've done what nobody in these mountains have ever done. You slept with Ana and survived!"
The guys think Atan did something else with Nicotiana, but the truth is different. It doesn't matter, may they think whatever they want.
"But why did she paint your hair?"
"For a reason".
"May that reason be?"
"That I will smoke. From now on until two years after my death" he answers, lighting up a cigarette in front of them.
*****
For me, this was the hardest day in years. Almost killed a man. Will he return? Will he flee, looking for a passage over the mountains? If he does that, he is dead anyway. I stay in the railway station, cleaning the platforms with a broom. It is so hard to wait. My shadow keeps on accusing me that I've gone too far. And I did. How could I? Am I really Ana? Or is Ana a ghost, or maybe a demon that possesses me? How could I do the things that I just did last night?
I just hope that I will never do things like these again. Ever.
I almost killed a man.
After endless waiting, the evening train returns from the mines. The engine carries its usual 3 rusted wagons, 3 times older then me. The train stops and I watch as he exits the second wagon, with his new hair and lights a cigarette. I immediately run and hug him.
"Welcome back!" I whisper, with tears in my eyes.
"Nicotiana, I will never leave you", he also whispers.
I hold him in my arms for maybe half of a minute, until the train engineer shouts: "Ana, we are in a hurry! These people are hungry and want to get home!"
Oh mine! I have to notice nearby stations through radio and signal the train to depart! And everyone is looking at us. The whole train!
People start making sounds like at a cinema, watching a good movie.
"First man who sleeps with Ana and doesn't get killed!" says someone.
"Not yet!" says someone else.
"Princess Nicotine made a new victim!" screamed a woman. "He's smoking, isn't he?"
I run and signal nearby stations that the train departs. Then, I signal the train to move away. People are waving their hands. We hug each other as the train vanishes behind the trees and we remain alone. I hear his heart beating in his chest... of the man that I was just about to kill.
For the first time in my life, I am not alone.
You are not guilty for what you did, but for the way you did it
Winter has come and the first snow falls on the mountain villages. Nicotiana and her Atan stay on the railway platform waiting for the morning train. He will get to work at the mines, while she has other plans. The train comes. They hug and go each one to its own job.
Atan's Story
"Bye, Nicotiana!" I say as I get into the old wagon.
"Bye! Take good care of you!"
These trains, they look like if they've been through war. People stay on wooden benches, with missing woods. The walls are scratched... while this train trembles on overused and unrepaired, deformed rails. Moving at best with 20 km/h.
The village remains behind, as the train passes through snow. The valley gets more narrow. A few km upstream, there is the last village, Ganymede, with its own train station. Nicotiana must have signaled that station that the train is coming. Oh, Nicotiana... Such an unusual girl. I must confess I've never seen in my whole life anyone like her. She sure is pretty. Small, when she hugs me her head stays at my chest. Short, but a bit chubby. Not fat. Just perfect. Her eyes are dark, so dark... black. Just looking to them can get your mind twitched. A small nose and lips a bit wider then other women. Herr shoulders are lower then usual. Such a gorgeous girl! I must envy that I found her. Never ever dreamed in my whole life that such a girl would come to my life.
And her feet. She has so beauty legs. She has style. The feet, covered with a layer of pantyhose, are what I love to see at a woman. I could watch her feet for hours. Guess that for the first time in my life, I am in love. Today she was wearing black tights covered by leggings, a black an white knee-long dress and booties. She showed me her feet and amazed me more then ever. Wearing both pantyhose and leggings at the same time is something rare.
Ganymede station comes. The train stops here. A woman comes and signals the train to depart. A good friend, Turgai, climbs from here. He is not born here. He came to work at the mine with his wife a long time ago. They came from the Land Of Nomads, which is over the big river. Once there were nomads in the plains. Today, people live in villages. Like here, there are many different tribes, with strange traditions and many spoken languages. There is one main difference: almost all nomads are Muslims, while here, in the Land Of Mountains, people are official Muslims, but also go to the church and practice idolatry.
"Welcome, Turgai", I say once I see the old man approaching my bench.
"Feel happy, Atan", he says. "Do you have a cigarette? I forgot mine".
"Feel welcome", I say as we both light one.
"Is Nicotiana ok?" he asks me as he lights the cigarette.
"Yes. She never attacked me again", I say as I take the first drag.
"She won't".
"Why are you so sure? She almost killed me!"
"You are a stranger to these mountains. People here follow strict moral laws. Unwritten laws", he says. "It was all your fault for all what happened".
"Jesus, man! he almost killed me. And for what? For a cigarette?"
"Was it that hard to smoke?"
"I never imagined that she was so serious and will try to kill me. I was just trying to push her, to see when will she give-up".
"Never", says Turgai, blowing a loud of smoke. "People from the mountains never give up. Even with the price of their lives. If you continued to oppose her, she would have killed you".
"Turgai, sometimes I feel like I am a prisoner there. Like I am her pet. And I am afraid she will attack me again".
"Do you love her, Atan?"
His words almost make me stop breathing. I watch the landscape. The train stretches through the narrow gorge. I see the river encased between the black cliffs. The engine struggles to climb this steep grade, making a sound like crying, as the wagons tremble on these rails.
"I love her!" I say. "I love her and she is the only woman in my life that I really loved. Only that I am afraid for my own life. Nobody ever tried to kill me before".
Turgai laughs.
"What is so funny?"
"You know Amir? The second day I arrived in the mountains, he held a sword at my neck. And guess why. Because the first day, he offered me a up of coffee and I refused. It is considered a great offense to refuse something. And you refused her cigarettes. This is the best thing she has. She is obsessed about smoking. And you just declared war to her".
Yes, I know Amir. He lives in Almathea, the next village and station downstream from us. He looked such a polite and friendly guy. I think about what a strange world I entered into, as the train reaches a small depression, surrounded by forest. Here is Europa station. One more station and we are at work. A teen comes from the station and signals our train to go.
Now comes the most impressive part of the railway. From here, the valley is so narrow, that the railway hardly squeezes inside. The railway is dug in the stonewall. There are also two tunnels. But my mind is not here, in the train. I keep thinking at Nicotiana. Will she ever attack me again? Will she kill me one day? I love her. But should I trust her? What if she really is insane?
The train passes the last tunnel. For two minutes, we are in complete darkness, only the light of a few cigarettes can be seen. Finally, the gorge ends and we see how the valley opens. Here are the mines. Io station, the last one. The train stops with a long creak, followed by 3 short whistles. Time to go to work.
"If you are afraid, don't leave her", says Turgai. "She loves you".
"Do you think this?"
"Yes, for sure", he responds. "But even if you were her brother or even her mother, she will kill you if you stop smoking".
"Do you think she would?"
"I would", he answers as he steps out of the train.
Well, I rarely enter the mine. Usually, I stay outside, but now I need to get in. I need to direct the portable drill to take samples where we found copper. Before they enter, miners stop and prey that they will return alive. The mines are by far not secure. Well, a long day awaits me...
All goes well, until at some point the portable drill stops working. Now, I have nothing to do. I take it out and ask Turk and London to repair it. They will need the rest of this day for repairing. I stay and do some office work, until there is nothing left for me to do. I will head home with the noon train. Nicotiana will be surprised to see me earlier.
As I go back, I keep thinking about her. I love her. I loved her from the first moment I came there. I have in mind her combination of pantyhose and leggings and start to feel for the first time a fetish for her smoking. For the first time in my life, I have a girlfriend that will not run away from me, will not exploit me for money and accepts me as I am. As a sfenist. But in the same time, this woman almost killed me. And for what? For the fact that I refused smoking? It is like there are two persons inside me: one that wants to be with her and one that wants to save my life.
I light a cigarette in the train. I think about the tights I wear, hidden beneath my trousers. She is the only one that knows. Her feet are also covered, like an atmosphere covers a planet. And she might be smoking right now, as I am. No! I will not leave her! But I need to make it clear that she will not kill me.
The train arrives in Callisto station and I jump down on the platform. Only that I don't see her. I find another woman, of similar age, with long, black hair, with a yellow fur coat, jeans and boots. Her face looks somehow similar to Nicotiana, but she is not the same person. She signals the train to depart.
"Nicotiana?" I ask. "I am Atan".
She shows me a path over the river, then says in her language: "Up at the shrine. She is praying".
I don't understand all, but I know where the shrine is.
"Who are you?" I ask.
"Cemis".
Her younger sister.
"Is she ok?" I ask again.
"Up at the shrine. She is praying", repeats Cemis.
I hurry to the shrine.
Ana's Story
I hug him and let him go in the train.
"Bye!" I say as I signal the train to depart.
"Bye! Take good care of you!" he says.
Once the train departs, I go to the village, to call one of my sisters, Abida or Cemis. I trust them more then my parents. I really need their help. So, I hurry to get to one of them. Cemis still lives with my parents and is home. I call her.
"Hi, Ana!" she says with a smile. "Lon time no see!"
"Hi, Cemis! Want a cigarette?"
"Can I refuse you? After all, you taught me how to smoke".
"Cemis, I need a bit of help. Please, come to my place at the rail station for 3 hours".
"Sure, sis. But why?"
"I don't want my parents to hear".
"They took the horses to change their horseshoes, they are not here".
"Cemis, just come to my place".
"Ok, just wait me to write a note to our parents".
As Cemis comes to the station, we sit on the bench. I light one cigarette and give her one.
"Cemis, you've been the closest people to me", I say. "I can't sleep. My shadow doesn't leave me! It is like I've done a terrible sin!". I take a deep drag and exhale. "It is about my friend. You know, when I almost killed him. I attacked guys that wanted to make love with me. You know well. But he doesn't want to do anything bad".
"Ana, you did what you had to do. Refusing your gift is like cursing you", says Cemis, taking the cigarette to her lips. "You know the unwritten law. If I were you, I was supposed to do the same". She takes a drag and exhales. "Only that I couldn't do what you did".
"Yes", I say, shaking the cigarette to remove the ash. "But he doesn't know the law. But on the other hand, I insisted over and over, to make it clear for him he has to smoke".
"Did you plan to do what you did, or you got too angry?"
"I planned something, but never imagined he will refuse me", I say, as Cemis starts playing with her long hair. "Well, I think I am guilty, because I was looking more to my ambition to convince him smoke, then to respect the unwritten law".
"Then you are guilty. But not to the law. You are guilty against the law of freedom".
This scares me so much that I start shaking. The law of freedom? The law that not even gods dare to cross? The law of freedom says that nobody can decide for another one, except when you have to save someone's life. You can show someone the path, you can even force someone, but you are not allowed to decide. "If you did this, Ana", says my shadow, "you are cursed".
"Oh mine", I say. "But I didn't put the cigarette in his mouth. I asked him. Yes, I scared him so much that he pissed through his pants".
Cemis laughs. "Oh mine... That sure scared him to death".
"Cemis, my shadow says that I committed a terrible sin I don't know. Maybe this is it, I crossed the law of freedom. I need to do something".
"Ana, if you did this, you know what to do".
"Yes, Cemis. This is why I asked you to stay here. I go to the shrine".
I leave her in the station and start climbing. With these booties on the fresh snow, it is not easy. Usually, I need about 20 minutes to climb through the forest, but on this snow, I need over 40. I fall few times, I keep slipping on the snow. Snow gets in my booties and wet my feet. As this happens, I think about him, about his pantyhose fetish. I love him. I do. But I must respect the unwritten law too. "Come on, Ana! Focus", I say to myself. "You must do something" says my shadow.
I reach the shrine. It is a large block of rock, with bizarre sculptures. Also, someone placed a long time ago an icon there, that now is hardly visible. Only in these mountains you see different religions living in peace. Nowhere else in the world.
I kneel on the snow and feel the cold through my leggings.
"What should I do?" I say loud.
I start to confess everything: how I broke the law of freedom, how I almost killed him, how I had a sense of pleasure in my eyes. I am crying like a child. How could I do such things? Had I other choices?
"No. You are not guilty for what you did, but for the way you did it", I whisper. "I am guilty for the way I pressed him, not for the reason I did it".
This stops my tears. I blow my nose, take the tears away and light a cigarette. I feel so much better.
As I still stay here, I hear something coming. Wolves? No. It is him. He came up here, for me. We hug and tears are back in my eyes. Oh, my body is almost paralyzed of coldness. I hardly move my wet feet.
"Nicotiana, it's ok. I am here to help", he says.
The man that I was about to kill? Now wants to help me? We slowly move back to the village. My feet keep on slipping one the snow, but he helps me at each step.
"Why did you go up there on this weather?" he says. "You could fall and die".
"Because I needed", I answer. "And now I have the answer".
"About what?"
"About what I did to you. That I almost killed you".
He looks at me with a bit of fear.
"I am not guilty for what I did, but for the way I did it", I say. "Please, wait a second".
We stop as we light a cigarette. And I continue.
"I don't regret that I convinced you to smoke. If I regret something, is the way I did. Please, forgive me from almost killing me".
He looks at me surprised and says:
"Nicotiana, I forgive me. But please promise me that you will never ever try to kill me".
"I do".
"Swear?"
"I swear. On all the gods I know! Except for one reason. You know it".
"If I stop smoking?"
This question shocks me. "I will", I answer with half of my voice. "I know I scared you and almost killed you. If you want, you are free to move to any other house, to return to the mine or to go back over the sea", I say almost crying.
"No, I will not go, Nicotiana, as long as you will no longer try to kill me".
"You forgive me?"
"I forgive you. But please, understand that I know nothing about the unwritten law. Tell me first, each time I make something bad".
"Thank you for forgiving me and understanding me".
"There is something else I need to say..."
He stops and waits a long time.
"I will never leave you. I am here to help. Now that I know I am not your prisoner".
"You never were... and you will never be".
We return to the station. Cemis got worried and thought to run and tell my parents if I won't return until the evening train. She made fire in the house for us. So good, we are cold as ice.
How is to be a transgender?
It's like the reaffirmation of yourself. It's the birth of the real you, that waited hidden inside. Lots of emotions. But it also is pain. The pain is not from surgery and other body transformations, but from other people, who don't understand us and oppose to us: parents, friends, even ordinary people on the street. I don't know, but maybe we suffer as much as you do, sfenists. The main difference is that you were transformed against your own will, while we decided on our own.
An internet conversation between a sfenist and a transgender, 2011.
I am at the railway station, as usual, waiting a mix, passenger-cargo train, to go up to the mines. It is cold and the mountains that surround us are white. The sky is like waiting to snow again. The train comes and stops. I do my daily work, announcing nearby stations through radio beeps that the train has reached me and is heading up.
I sit in the station to heat myself a bit, when a woman knocks in the window.
"I come for Ana", she says.
"I am", I answer.
"Please, I need your help. My son is no longer listening to me. He hangs out with thugs and I think he is starting to drink". Her eyes look desperate. I know how far a mother will go for her children. "I know you are favored by Actit. Please tell the goddess to help me", she says, while taking two packs of cigarettes from her purse. "One pack for you and one for the goddess".
This why people think I am a witch. I try to help others, in any way.
"Who are you?" I ask.
"My name is Feldish and I am from Telesto", she says.
"Come to the house!" I invite her.
My house has a small room where we take down our shoes. From there, two doors open. To left, it is the 'good room', which is used for guests and where we store things. To right, it is the 'daily room' with two beds, two closets and a table, where we stay and sleep. That's how all houses are built here. Small, with low floors that you can touch with your hand. I take her to the good room and make her sit on the bed.
"What happened?" I ask.
"He was not a bad kid. I don't know when it happened. He started to hangout with two jerks and now he is not listening to me. He runs away from home and comes back late in night. He went with them to Jupiter without even telling me!" she says and starts to cry.
"Actit is a god and the first human, born from the sky and the ground. Her soul is the Altar, the first spirit. But more then everything, she is a mother. She gave birth to Adam and Eve, without mating a man, because she is the goddess of line. More then everything, she is a mother, the mother of all humanity and of us. She suffers for all and give strength to all", I say, while looking in her eyes.
"I know. That's why I came to you".
I kneel on the bed, in front of her and start to move my hands around her head.
"You are her child and you, like me, wear the Altar inside you". Then, speaking hard and slowly, I continue: "You must be stronger then you've imagined. She wants to help, but if you don't do your part, she will not be able to do anything. You must be strong. You can do this. Limits are just an illusion of our mind".
She looks deep in my eyes, as my hands start trembling a bit.
"Is he drinking? Don't say to him 'stop drinking'. Take him to the road and show alcoholics. Show him their destroyed lives. Show him how their families abandoned them, how they stay in dirty houses and dirty clothes. This is the way. Don't argue against the law of freedom, just show him the path".
"And how to take him from those jerks? He is no longer listening to me!" the woman says, crying.
"You shout to him?"
"Yes. What should I do?"
"Again, you fight against the law of freedom. This is why he is not listening to you".
"Then what should I do?"
"Let him se the pain in your eyes. Let him see how much you cry and suffer from him", I answer. This way, the altar inside him will receive light from you".
She is slowly crying.
"Show him what happens to delinquents. How they got into trouble, how they get shot. Their life does not last long and they always end-up in big trouble. Give him examples. Make him think about what will happen to his pals and what will happen to him", I say as my hands shake above her shoulders. "When you speak to him, don't shout. Use a firm voice, with authority. Speak loud and rare, with pauses between words".
"I tried to block the door, but he showed me a knife..." she can speak no more, as tears cover her face.
"No", I say as I gently touch her hair and back. "You should say 'Kill me if you want, but that will not solve your problems'. He won't do it. Say 'You are free to walk that door, to take your life and soul to hell'. Try to be his friend, not his enemy. Try to work from the inside, not stop him from the outside. This is the way. If he drinks, try to give him milk or tea with honey. Honey fights against alcohol. If he smokes, that can be a good help".
I take my hands away and say "Done! You do have all the strength you need, only that you don't know your way yet. Do you smoke?"
"I do".
I give her a cigarette as I light one for myself.
"Does he smoke?"
"I never caught him, but I think yes".
"Make him smoke. Share cigarettes with him. This will open a path to his soul. And it will help you keep him away from alcohol, because alcohol is the blood of Satan".
She stands up and cleans her tears. She thanks me for everything.
"No need to thank me. Thank Actit, because she put the words in my mouth and gave you strength through me. I am just a human, like you".
She moves away and heads back home, by foot, on the railway. I watch her go. Things like this happen about once a week. People think I am a witch, but I am not. I take the two packs in my hand. One is for me, alright. But the second one, I have to give to someone. To who? As I think about this, I see Natasha. She is about 40 and has a strange look. She is insane and has been like this ever since. When she is in a crisis, she can attack you. Her life was destroyed by a violent incident, just like mine. A rape. But she could not recover at all. At least I ended-up as a sfenist. Many people recover completely, but some, never. And there is also another category of girls, who after such an event become whores. I guess I will never understand why this happens.
So, I say 'hello' to Natasha and give her the pack of cigarettes. She takes it, mumbles something that I don't understand and lights one.
"May your soul be happy", I say as she moves away.
I never believed smoking can do anything harmful and I will never believe. It is part of the treatment in everything and can cure many problems.
*****
He returns home from the mines with the evening train. I wait him with the table set: a soup with handmade spaghetti and cornmeal with cheese. I also have a few cookies and milk as usual. We eat, then we make ourselves comfortable on the bed, watching stuff on my laptop.
I am dressed with a green blouse, that he bought for me, a small black dress, black leggings and sheer pantyhose. He has a grey light sweater, a black and white skirt and grey opaque tights. We with our backs rested on the wall and the feet in front of us, with the heels beneath us. The laptop is on a big pillow.
He shows me some of his favorite videos on YouTube. There is one, with a woman standing on a rotating glass platform. The camera focuses on her feet, with nude pantyhose and no shoes. Then, we find one, with two women, sitting on a coach, smoking and wearing opaque white tights.
"I never showed my favorite videos to anyone", he says.
"I am happy that you shared with me", I say.
Then we find one, with two women smoking and wearing leggings. One of them is coughing.
"Looks a bit like us", I say. You still are not a complete smoker", I say, changing to a video named "Still learning" after the previous one ends.
"You've been watching smoking women?" he asks surprised.
"Yes. I did and I do, to improve my smoking style".
As we say so, we look for 'smoking' and 'pantyhose' tags at the same time. A video named 'Smoking with pantyhose' appears and we watch it.
"Amazing!" he says. "I never were into smoking, but combined with pantyhose, it takes all to a completely different new level".
As we change from video to video, we find another woman with tights and smoking. Only that this time, the video has a different tag: crossdressing.
"Wow! That doesn't look like a woman", I see. "Even if she has breasts. But still is a man".
"I've seen many similar videos and stood at these people", he answers.
"Do you like them?"
"No, not like that. I like the idea of cross dressing. But all of them are inside a room or very close to the house, never on the street. Well, some just wear women clothes, while others go to extreme measures, like breast implants, castration and an artificial vagina".
"And do you like that?" I ask again. "Do you want to be like that?"
He keeps a bit of silence, then says:
"Depends. Sometimes, I want to be a woman, but in the same time to change back to a man. It's like in some cartoons I watched as a child, Little Dracula. There was a guy, Coach dr. Frank, with two brains, with two personalities. I want to be more feminine... well not quite a woman, but then to push the button and become a man. Just like Coach dr. Frank had two brains, one with a rude and evil personality and one filled with love and compassion".
"I see..." I answer. "You have two different personalities that don't fight with each other. Not like two souls in a single body".
"Yes. You always see through my eyes before I can ever speak", he remarks. "But not quite like those guys on You Tube. I won't go to surgery and implants. And I don't want an irreversible transformation. When I am with you, I am some sort of hybrid between a man and a woman, but when I am out, I am Atan, the Geological expert".
I listen him very carefully. Many women would run from such a man, I won't. Since I am a sfenist, so I belong to a sexual minority, why shouldn't I understand him? After all, there is something that altered my personality since that violent event that destroyed my life. At that time, I grew with so much hate to all men in the world, except my dad and my brother. At some time, I wanted to become a man, to show them that I am superior to them. But I stopped. Why? Because I am Princess Nicotine and a princess needs to be a woman. It fit much better to my personality. For a woman, to dress like a man, it is more naturally then the opposite. Wearing jeans and shirt with shoes that have no heel, it is men's style already. But as Nicotiana, I have to be a woman.
And this man, in front of me, has nothing to make me anger. Even more. As a half-woman, he understands the world of women.
"So, when you're out, you are Atan. But when you are in here, who are you?" I ask.
"I don't know", he says looking in my eyes.
"Don't worry, I will help you find out who you are. You need to know your both personalities, Two-Face".
He doesn't answer anything, just lights a cigarette, as a new video starts.
"Our souls are like mirrors", I say. "A mirror can reflect anything around it. But there is only one thing it cannot reflect: itself. So, when you look at a mirror, you see everything else but the mirror itself. How do you do to see the mirror?"
"I look in another mirror, to see it".
"No. If you do that, you will see the reflection of a reflection. You look at the world with your eyes, then at the mirror. You will notice that objects are not the same in the mirror then in the world. They are a bit deformed. By looking at the differences, you can see the mirror itself. This is the same about yourself. You are a mirror and the way you transform things surrounding you, is your real personality".
"Once I've seen a picture, called 'the artist and the opera' that shows this well", I continue. "A guy was painting a woman which was sitting near him. The real woman looked like anyone should, but the painting had large breasts and long hair. This shows the hidden dreams inside the painter's brain. The same is for you. Just look at the way you deform reality and you will know your second half better and find her a name".
"I need help", he whispers.
"How would you like your woman half to be?" I ask him.
"I don't know. I built an imaginary girl in my mind a long time ago, but more I was looking at other women. But..."
"Don't be shy. Even if you say a curse, I won't harm you and nobody will".
"I want to be a copy of you".
This is more then a love declaration, more then if he kneeled in front of me with a wedding ring. What guy would do that? It shocks me more so hard that I twitch my eyes over my back.
"Did I say something bad?" he asks. "Do you disgrace this?"
"No", I say, smiling. "You just amaze me. A copy of me? I like the idea. In fact, you just said you love me".
"It is true, I love you", he answers surprised and with a huge tension in his body, "but in a different way".
"I know. In a sfenist way", I answer short, to relief him from his tension and to bring him out of a track he must not follow now. "We are sfenists. Our friendship is going to be a long and strong one, but we need to follow a certain path. If not, it will be only pain for both of us".
He remains almost immobile. It is just like I told him 'I love you'. Yes, I love him, but I know very well where will a passion relation lead to. I've been there. The moment when we will be touching our bodies, the moment he will cross a certain line, my body will reject him and I will hit him again... and maybe kill him. This is the pain of being a sfenist. A sfenist relation is far more different then a classical one. It is like the movement of subatomic particles. Protons are bounded together in the nucleus of an atom, held by a force that might resemble gravity. However, they reject one each other when distance between two is shorter then one's diameter. Not too far, not too close. If you don't respect these rules, the dark energies inside you will rip you apart.
"You want to be a copy of me", I say.
"Yes. The female inside me wants to be a copy of you".
"Does she has a name?" I ask.
"No. I mean, not yet. Do you have one for her?"
"My name, as you know, was not Ana or Nicotiana. Usually, we give girl names from flowers" I say and I type Nicotiana nana on Google image search. A beautiful flower appears. "Nicotiana nana is one sister of Nicotiana tabacum. And I am the other!"
He looks amazed.
"What flower should be, then?"
"Don't know", he answers. "Ana... What if I use something related? How about Alia?"
"Alia? What does this mean to you?"
"I heard once, in a movie. And I liked it. It is the closest to Ana and also starts with A, like Atan. Should work fine".
"Alia, then", I say short. "You will be Atan at the mine and Alia when we are together".
We watch another video, about a trans gender smoking and wearing girly clothes.
"Alia, can you go and take some coal from the railway station to put on fire?" I ask.
"I think I need to change clothes. It is night outside, but people might still see me".
"Don't worry", I say. "There is no train at this hour".
He moves out and returns after two minutes with a metal bucket full with coal. He puts coal and a bit wood in the fire, then returns.
"I will be Alia just here, while you, Nicotiana, can walk anywhere. Alia needs to become Atan outside of this house".
"All videos we've seen, show cross-dressers only inside rooms or on empty roads", I say. "I have nothing against you going to the mine in these clothes, but you will have big trouble".
"People will think that I am gay", he says.
"That will mean your death. Gay people have only two options here: run or die. The same applies for polygamy. For child abuse, the punishment is death without questions".
He looks scared, like any time I talk about killing and death. I am so used to this life. People here die all the time. Then, I come with an idea. Wow! Why not?
"Cross-dressing is not directly forbidden. You see, you have to show respect to people around them. In these mountains, you don't think like what will they think about me? Instead, you must think like this: How should I not hurt or disrespect them? The way you look and the way you behave shows your respect to the other people. Not saying hello to someone on the road, means you don't respect that person. It doesn't matter if you know or not that person, you have to show your respect. A man dressed as a woman will be a sign of disrespect, unless there is a reason for this behavior. I know a guy, popular on a TV show in the Land Of Nomads, that was a man and dressed as a woman. He had two reasons for this: The first, there are parts of the world where Muslim women have a harsh an unequal life. And second, in some parts of the world, gay people and trans-genders are killed. He wants to change mentality. But he already was a well-known TV show organizer and had a status".
"I have no status, at least here".
"Alia, what do people at the mine say about me and our friendship?"
"They are amazed that I didn't run away and say you won't kill me yet. But about you, they say sometimes that you are insane, that you are a witch, that you will steal my soul an kill me in a later future".
"A witch?" I ask with interest.
"Yes, they say you are a witch, that you can change people's mind, that you have magical powers, that you convinced the whole village to start smoking. Yes, they say they've seen you doing witchcraft, speaking in languages nobody heard. One man said you did a spell on his wife and the next week she started smoking".
I laugh.
"Yes, people think you are a witch. You know Turgai? He joins me everyday on the rail. At first, he was afraid that you will make me sorcery and you will transform me into a lunatic or God knows what".
"Do you think that I do sorcery?" I ask with a big smile, almost laughing.
"I've never seen someone to practice many religions at the same time. I thought you might, even if I don't believe such things. But well, everything is possible".
"Well, Alia, what if I do?" I say, hardly controlling my laugh. "Here is the point. I know how to talk with people, how to change their minds. The secret is not to fight against them, but to go along them and divert them slowly to another path. I do this to help them. But yes, I let them the impression of witchcraft". I laugh hard, just cannot control me. "But I like people to consider me crazy, even insane. And I love to be considered a witch. Not to mention, a nightmare to guys and their balls". I laugh again. "I make no spells, no witchcraft. If the gods want to help, they always do, but only if you are worth to receive that help. But, to keep the confusion going, one day I was boiling water in a cauldron, to wash laundry. As two fishers came along the river, I started to say: Frog eye extract... and a little lizard tail powder. And this is not all. Once, a drunk man fallen on the bridge. People were arguing what happened. Then, I said: I made a spell on him, to fall if he will ever come drunk to the rail station. So, people think I am a witch".
"So, you are not a witch!", he says.
"No, I am not. But people think I am. But what if... I make you a spell? This is the maddest thing I've ever tried. What if... The radio will beep soon, as the last train will go to the mine. There are a few passengers on it. What if we come to the rail platform, dressed as we are now? You start moving back to the house, so that people will see you. And I will tell them that I made you a spell to look like a woman. How about? Imagine the confusion tomorrow at the mine! When you will go to work, just pretend you know nothing. Oh, this is brilliant!"
He doesn't like the idea, but follows me. We go to the station, on the bench. It is dark and cold. We light a cigarette. I can feel that Alia is nervous. The radio beeps, telling in Morse that a train is coming. I smoke like always, but now, for the first time, he is smoking faster then me. I even turn on the light on the platform, a thing that I usually don't do.
"Calm down!" I say. "Just wait".
"Just don't put me get dressed like this to the mine!"
"No. Alia will not go to the mine, only Atan will. But in the house and around the house, Alia can freely move happy".
We finish our cigarettes and others, when the train comes. We can hear and see it. And to make things more complicated, a woman arrives at the station, willing to get in the train. Alia looks inside my eyes, then starts smiling. In this time, I start moving my hands around his head, like when I do sorcery. The woman looks at my hands, then at his feet. She sure notices that this is a man with a dress and pantyhose.
The train stops. A few people go down, the woman gets up. The engineer shouts:
"For the holly name of Allah! Ana, what have you done?"
"Witchcraft", I shout. He can't hear you!"
"Atan, what!!!" shouts someone in the train.
"I told you that witch will kill him!"
"Atan, buddy, can you hear me? Can you hear me? Damn it, bitch! I'll kill you if he doesn't come tomorrow to work!"
I say some meaningless words, something that doesn't mean anything in any language. Then, I tell Alia at the ear: "Go back home!" and crack my hands four times. He moves home.
"Look! He doesn't even see us!" shouts someone.
I go inside the station and signal through radio that the train is departing. Then, I return to the platform and signal the train to go.
"I'll kill you if anything happens to him!" shouts a passenger.
"Watch your words, if you don't want to end-up like him!" I answer.
We return to the house.
"Oh mine!" says Alia, looking down to my feet. "Tomorrow, the whole mine will explode!"
"Remember, you know nothing. You don't remember even being on the platform, you never worn women cloths, you were watching a movie!"
He laughs, full of excitement.
"This is the first time I walk out like this".
"And won't be the last time, Alia. I know, tomorrow and for a while, the mine will explode hearing things like this, but in the end everything will calm".
"Nicotiana, so you want me to do this again?"
"As long as you like it. I gave you a boost, to make a forward step that you would never do on your own. It now depends on you how many steps and how far you are going to do".
"Thank you".
He waits a bit and says: "But will they kill you?"
"Who?" I ask while laughing. "Only if I kill you first. But that is not going to happen".
"Yet", says Alia with a big smile.
"I have no plans to kill you", I answer, understanding his joke "...yet".
We stay in the room, almost in the same way: with one foot over the other, looking at each other and lighting together a cigarette. It will soon be time to sleep. I just cannot imagine what a bomb will this be in the entire village. Atan will be asked by anyone at the mine. There are no phones or cell phones in these mountains, but news travel very fast. What should I do with my parents and my sisters? I kept some distance between them and him. They will find out and I need to put things in such a way that nothing bad will happen. I just hope everything will go as my plan takes shape in my mind. If it does, there will be a clear path for all of us, here, at the end of the world.
*****
I get fast to sleep, but not Alia. I hear him moving in bed and lighting two cigarettes during the night. Then, the 3 AM train is coming. I wake-up and go to the station. All passes without incidents, even if I recognize the same engineer.
Then, I find him sleeping, while I cannot close an eye. I keep on moving in bed and I light a few cigarettes. But finally I have to wake him up. We eat, he changes clothes into Atan and we go to the station.
None on the platform knows what happen. The train comes. But, in the light of the morning, the engineer (the same one!) shouts:
"Atan, where is your skirt?"
"What skirt?" he says, moving in the train.
"the one you were wearing last night", he answers.
I watch as the train vanishes, climbing along the river. Then, I keep listening its engine and creaks, until nothing can be heard. Then, I go to the house and lie on the bed.
"You know what you've done", says my shadow.
"Yes, I know. But I was wide awake and completely awake about it. And I fully assume the consequences".
"You just lighted the fuse. The explosion will come".
"I did. And I did this without violating the unwritten law".
An airplane flying from Singapore to New York will fly over Alaska. Looking on a plane Earth map, you would say this is insane, expecting the flight path to pass over Central Pacific. However, if you look on a globe Earth, you realize that this is the shortest route.
Elementary school, Geography class
In a plain, if you want to walk from point A to point B, the best option is to follow a straight line. In the mountains, a straight line will always be impossible. If anyone asks me, I never follow a straight line, but always keep my eyes at the target. Sometimes, evasive left-right movements, to avoid obstacles and to create confusion, are the best ways. Other times, they are not the best option, but doing so, you can pick-up resources to keep on going. And anyway, it is much more fun doing this then following a straight line.
In this case, my target is to make Alia - Atan happy. The first step was to convince him start smoking. Without this step, nothing can be achieved. For others, maybe. But for me, Nicotiana, it certainly is impossible. Now, with the second step: to make him have a few feminine aspects in his life. I don't think it will ever be a good option for him to go to work as a trans-gender or a cross-dresser, but in and around the house, that is another story. The best strategy was to make him stay in the railway station, dressed as a woman, as a train came. I know what will now happen. He will be under huge pressure at the mine, from all his coworkers. The news will spread through the villages around, like a thunder. But, just this is the game. In Astronomy, a bright star won't last long, it goes supernova and dies. A small, dim star, on the other hand, might last longer then a whole galaxy. The news will be on everyone's lips for a while, then they will turn to other things.
There are two weak points in my plan. One is Alia - Atan. If he fails to do as I told him and will not help with the confusion, then there will not be a blast, but an agonizing death. The second weak spot is my former family: my parents and my sisters, Abida and Cemis. I also have a brother, but he lives far from us, so he is not part of the equation... yet.
What will Atan do at the mine? I don't know. Filling my brain with puzzling questions will not help. For my parents and my sisters, I have a plan. Just hope it will work this way.
Atan's Story
I go and take the train, having no idea what will be at the mine. I've never done the things Nicotiana wants me to do, but... why not? I will play her game. She seems smarter then me. The train engineer shouted on the platform: "Atan, where's your skirt?" but I didn't bother. But, once I got in, people started to talk and look strange at me. But, I manage to go to the mine without incidents.
There, I open the computer and see the 3D image of this mine. All rock samples are on the model, with colors indicating what the laboratory found. I think I am starting to understand where is the copper. I make a decision and go to the office where works the second in command and ask for a vertical drill on the other side of mountain Octagon. If I am right, the copper deposit forms a straight line under the mountain ,to the other side, ending close to the surface and continuing over the Octagon valley.
I talk to him about this idea and he agrees. But, doing so, will require building a road to the other side... and in winter, it's a hard task. We could carry some equipment on horses, but also that is not a solution in winter. He still comes with an idea: to send a small team, with me, to take samples from the surface or dig up to a meter. This might still work... but climbing the mountain and going on the other side, now, in winter, is a hard task, since all is covered with snow.
The drill is held until spring, but he accepts my challenge.
Then comes lunch break, when everybody comes out to eat and talk. The first to come, is my good friend Turgai.
"Hey, Atan, the whole mine is talking about you. They say some people seen you on Callisto station, wearing women clothes, while Ana was making witchcraft over your head", he says.
"That is false", I answer.
I just say this, when two miners, Kong and Bagdad, come and open their meals.
"Oh, here is the lady!" says Kong, while other miners come and laugh of him.
"I swear I've seen this guy dressed as a woman!" says Bagdad.
"Me?" I answer laughing. Have you lost your mind, Bagdad?"
"Atan, you don't remember?" he says.
"Remember what? I say, acting as I knew nothing.
"I don't believe it!" says Bagdad almost screaming. "He was saying in Callisto station, dressed as a woman. He didn't even answer to my hails. And that bitch was moving her hands above his head!"
"Bagdad, are you drunk?" I say, a bit bothered. "How could I be dressed as a woman?"
"Shut up, infidel! How could I be drunk when I am a Muslim? How about that, Kong?"
"My wife was in the train too", says Kebab, another miner. "I didn't believe her!"
"Kebab, just how could I dress like a woman?" I ask him with a false anger.
"She was on the train platform, watching you dressed as a woman, while Ana was focus on her spell, man! Ask her! My wife came from her mother!"
"What is all this about?" I answer very surprised. "Are you making funny of me?"
"I was right there, in the train, Atan", says Bagdad again. "You remember nothing, buddy? Oh, man! Just as that bitch said he won't remember anything!"
"I told you to get out of there", says Kong.
"I don't believe you", I say. "I was in the house, watching TV. I remember when Nicotiana said that a train is coming. I didn't lost my mind, Bagdad".
"You don't believe me? Listen, Kong! He doesn't believe me!"
"Atan, you don't remember?" asks Kong, surprised.
"Witchcraft!"
The voice is from a woman I know. She is Sofia, she keeps a small shop near the mine. Everybody looks at her as silence covers all.
"We have two witnesses!" she says. "First one is Sword, the train engineer. He slept here over the night, in the engine! I came to bring him a warm cup of coffee. He confessed to me, but I didn't believe!"
"Sword?" says Kong.
"Yea, Sword", continues Sofia. "You all know him".
People laugh, because they know that Sword has an extra-marriage relationship with Sofia... or at least that is what they say.
"Silence!" shouts Sofia. "Bagdad, are you sure you've seen this with your eyes?"
"I am sure!" he shouts.
"Can you swear on your gods?"
"For the holly name of Allah, woman!", he says. "What do you think? That I would invent such a story and say all this crap here? Did Atan do anything bad to me?"
"I am born in these mountains and know them very well", continues Sofia. "And I know Ana. But I've never imagined she can do such a sorcery. Atan, what do you say for yourself?"
"I say what I said: that I was in home, watching TV. I remember well, when she went out saying that a train is coming", I answer, with a strong accent on every word. "And you, people, are just making fun out of me. Just stop this non-sense!"
"How dare you!" shouts Bagdad, full of anger. "I sworn on my mother's tomb! Do you think I would dare to lie on such a thing? I want your guts spread on the snow!"
People start yelling at us, to stop. nobody wants a fight on the snow.
"Hold it!" shouts Sofia. "Men have the right to engage, women have the right to stop. So, you both stop. This man sworn on his mother's tomb. Does anyone think he is lying?"
Everybody answers a 'no' to this.
"Do you, Atan, swear on your gods or on your parents that you were watching TV when Ana went out for the train?"
"I don't remember going to the station or wearing women clothes!" I answer, knowing that if I swear I will lie.
"Just swear, Atan!" she insists.
What should I do? Lie? I don't dare, I know the truth. Just invent something...
"I don't know. Maybe I don't remember. But how could I?" I say, scared of the situation.
"I know what I've seen!" shouts Bagdad.
Now, I see a chance, without swearing. What if I play a new track?
"Bagdad, it is not that I don't believe you, it is that I don't remember such a thing".
"So, you believe me?" he asks.
"Yes. I believe you, since you sworn, but I don't remember. How could that happen?"
People start talking one to another about this. Sofia returns to her shop. I look how everyone talks about me. I continue a conversation with Kong and Bagdad.
"Do you believe me now?" asks Bagdad.
"I do believe you, but I am shocked that I don't remember anything".
"She will kill you, man!" says a miner passing by.
"So be it", I answer... "But even so, I love her".
"Hey, Kong, you hear what he just said?" says Bagdad. "That is no good, man. She will not kill you with a knife, but slowly, piece by piece".
"Get out of that house, man", says Kong.
I stay at the computer late. I moved to the station only one minute before the train should depart, to avoid conversations. But, the train just arrives. It is a bit out of schedule. The engineer has to detach the engine and do some maneuvers to lock it on the other side of the train, so we can go. He does all as fast as possible. The engine is locked, when the engineer jumps out to take a cup of coffee. Oh no! It's Sword! As he goes to the small shop, he comes with Sofia. My heart beats wild. I know what will now happen. They both come near the crowd, while Sofia points her hand at me. She makes a sign for everyone to make silence.
"You've seen him on the Callisto station?" she asks, shouting.
"Yes, I did", answers Sword. "He was dressed like a woman. At first, I thought there were two women, one making the other one's hair".
Everyone is surprised and starts mumbling something.
"You don't remember, Atan?"
"No, he was under a spell from that witch!" shouts Bagdad. "I was in the train and seen all, but he doesn't remember a thing!"
"He was like a woman", says Sword. "With a skirt, with pantyhose like a woman, while Nicotiana was moving her hands above his head".
"I told you!" shouts Bagdad.
"People were screaming at him, but he didn't answer!" says Sword again. "Then Nicotiana said: 'He cannot hear you, he is under a spell. He won't remember anything tomorrow'. Then she cracked her hands and he woke-up and moved away just as if nothing happened".
"She is going to kill you!" says someone.
"Get out of there, will you?" says another one.
"You're not the first one she kills!" I hear another voice.
"Hurry up, people!" says Sword. "I am late".
Everybody gets in the train and we start. I sit near my friend Turgai. We don't talk. I watch the landscape, trying to get away from everyone's eyes.
"You know what I think?" says Turgai. "I think Ana really has done something to you, but you do remember something. I know she is a witch, but she cannot do such things. Maybe you are too shame to recognize that".
"I do remember something", I say, "but not clear. Anyway, whatever she does, I won't leave her. I love her and you know it".
"I think you remember more", he says. "This is why you didn't swear. If you really didn't remember, you would have swear on your gods".
He rises from the bench, as the train approaches his station. And I keep avoiding anyone's eyes, until I reach Callisto and get down from the train.
Cemis's Story
Every day, I wake up and clean the barn, give food to our horse and cows. Then I milk the cows. It is winter and they stay almost all day inside. After I milk them, I come to my parents and we eat breakfast together, then smoke together. Later, my sister Abida comes to us and we hangout about an hour every day. She is the oldest sister and got married a few months ago.
I go out from the house, to a neighbor that wants to cut a calf. We want a part of the meat and we will be paying with what we have: handmade cigarettes, which my other sister, Ana, makes in every year. She is obsessed about nicotine and smoking. Well, this is how she is since I knew her. She started smoking when she were 6 or maybe younger... and she convinced all of us to smoke. Even her name, Nicotiana, is smoky enough. But, never mind. She might be strange, but she is my sister. I go to that man and tell him that we want some meat and we pay in handmade cigarettes. He accepts, then says:
"Do you know Atan?"
"Yes, Ibrahim. Ana's new friend".
"Her new victim, I would say, Cemis".
"Their problem", I answer, lighting a cigarette. "I am not standing between them".
"I heard that she made a spell on Atan".
"Could be, I don't care".
"Cemis, he was sitting in the railway station, dressed as a woman, while Ana was moving her hands above his head!"
"This is a shock!" I answer. "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am. And when she cracked her hands, he woke-up and moved to the house, like nothing was around him!"
"Who told you this?"
"Velvet."
I know Velvet. She stays reasonably close to the station. But I don't like her.
I return home. There, I find Abida there, with my parents.
"Ibrahim accepted the offer!" I say while entering the house.
"Cemis, do you know what Small Wonder just did?" says immediately Abida.
"Witchcraft on Atan", I answer. Who told you?"
"Iunas. He came here to tell us", says my dad.
"Did he see it with his own eyes?"
"No, but his brother went down from the train", answers Abida, finishing her cigarette.
"This girl just cannot stay out of trouble", complains dad. "I don't understand what is she up to".
"She always takes sharp decisions", mom says. "You think she is going forward, but suddenly she changes her way. But why like this?"
"What does she want to do with Atan?" asks Abida. "Kill him?"
"I don't think she wants to kill him", I answer. "I think she loves him".
"Is this her love?" asks Abida puzzled.
"First she almost killed him, then made him look like a woman!" wonders dad. "How long will that man hold on?"
"She tried to kill him to force him smoke", adds mom. "I understand this well, after all, she convinced me to start smoking. And we live by growing tobacco and selling handmade cigarettes".
"That guy must be just as weird as she is", says dad, with a bitter look.
I laugh. I never get between Ana (or Small Wonder, as my parents call her) and anyone. It always ends-up bad for anyone that tries, while Ana, I never know how, wins almost always.
"People say that she were doing witchcraft", I say.
"I can believe that", says mom, "but I don't understand the purpose for".
"This is all my fault", says dad. "It was my guilt that I let her with that over-over-cursed tourist for forest fruits. This altered her. I suffer in every day for it. My gods, will this ever end?"
"Stop it", says Abida, gently touching his hair and his back. "I think we have to go to her. We have to talk with that stranger. She tries to keep us at some distance from all, but we need to do something."
"The unwritten law says that you can cross the law of freedom if someone is in risk of losing its life", continues Abida. "But still, I don't see the risk that Atan or Small Wonder will get killed".
"Not yet", I say.
"What do you mean, dear?" looks mom into my eyes.
"It is ok if we come to her and talk with both of them. But as long as nobody is going to kill nobody, we just stay out of this. Remember when I tried to get between she and Stromboli? Small Wonder could stop him easy. I tried to stop both and got hits from both of them. They ruined my hair that day".
We agree. At noon, when my parents go to Ana, I will go to, with Abida. We have to find out what's happening there. My plan is that, if Ana doesn't want help, I will just step aside and watch what will happen. Abida, also doesn't seem to interfere much. But our parents are not like that. Well, as long as Ana does not do something unexpected, as she always does.
Ana's Story
I sit in the railway station. The train that went up to the mines, with Alia - Atan, will come back down soon. And as usual, just minutes after it, a train with coal will follow. I know the same driver will be. He will return to Jupiter, the largest station. His shift should be over, I think. Well, engineers don't work 24/7 as we do. They make arrangements one with the other, to keep the trains going on. The radio beeps just when expected.
When I was born, stations were connected by a phone line. But the soft started to glimpse. They replaced phones with beepers and buttons and started to use Morse code. But hyperinflation hit hard. People were starving and they started to steal the cables. Trains were going blind. A few collisions were nearly to happen. The huge speed restrictions avoid trains to go fast and that saved us from a disaster. After hyperinflation stopped, the mine hired an electrician, Dimitri. He came with some radio devices (in fact, walkie-talkie things), disassembled them and connected them with our beeping buttons, with portable radios and with megaphones. Each station has one main receiving antenna and two umbrella shaped antennas, to send, each one oriented to the upstream and downstream stations. Without them, trains are going blind. When a train arrives or departs, we signal upstream and downstream stations. The signal includes a long beep (to wake up who is listening), followed by a short-name of the station, direction where the train is going and an indicative of what kind of train it is. We also have a draw of the station, with links to upstream and downstream station. When a train is there, we put a rock on the draw. In past, we had a display with lights, but it is long gone.
The message says "Beeeeep! GAN P CAL". Ganymede, passenger train towards Callisto. When the train will arrive, I will send the message "Beeeeep! CAL P ALM" (Callisto, passenger train towards Almathea), both to Ganymede and Almathea stations. Then, I will signal the train to move. Sometimes, we add other messages. The most famous is "DRUNK" and it's a nightmare. A drunk train engineer. It rarely happens, but there is nothing worse possible.
Well, I focus on this, to keep my head clean of ideas. I otherwise would be in tension, since I know what happens right now at the mine and at my parents' house. Just hope that, at noon, when my parents will come, everything will go the way I want.
A few people come to take the train. They talk a lot and they look at me.
"Ana, is it true that that stranger was dressed like a woman?" asks immediately someone.
"Yes", I answer with a smile.
"How is it possible?" asks someone else.
"I made him a spell", I answer quick.
"But why?"
"No reason".
"No reason?" asks someone. "There must be a reason".
"Anyway, he doesn't remember anything", I continue.
"Ana, please, stop", says an old woman. "You're going too far! What bad thing did he do to you?"
"Nothing... yet".
"If you don't want him, just let him go, don't torture him like this", adds the old woman.
"She won't stop", says someone else. "And that stranger is mad in love after her!"
"It is our problem, you stay out of this", I add.
"You're going to kill him!" says someone else.
"No, I am not going to kill him... yet".
"But why, Ana? Why do you do all this?" asks a woman.
"I told you, with no reason".
"If you torture him, he has the right to do the same to you", says an old man.
"We'll see", I answer. "But before that happens, if ever, I will have enough fun!"
"Is this funny? I think you're insane!" says a young man.
"Insane or not, he came to me, not me to him".
"You almost killed Stromboli and Abdul. But what you do to this guy, is far beyond. You've better killed him fast, then let him suffer like this".
"What I can tell you for sure is that this is not the first time I do witchcraft on him and for sure not the last time. It is the first time he thought he is a woman, but for sure not the last one".
"Well, better you make him think he is a cuckoo bird and sing naked on the roof of the train station" says someone.
They all laugh, even I laugh.
"Maybe he will spot the trains coming better then those megaphones".
The train comes and they all get inside. All the time, I was calm, with a little, charming smile. I gave the impression of a person that did nothing. Just like if they see me smoking, I would answer calm: "Yes, I smoked another one 20 minutes ago".
Now, I must prepare for my parents. They will come soon here. Should I do something special? No, they are just my parents. I better try to cook something. Anyway, when you have visits from relatives or neighbors, you host them in the kitchen. Now, let's see... I should make a soup, but what to put in it? Let's check out what I have...
I keep cooking, until I hear radio beeps. A train is coming. I know, it is time it should come. I go and do my job. After the train passes, I return. Well, my parents will come very soon. Like everybody in here, they use the train schedule like a clock. Everyone knows when trains will come. Now, there is not much time. I hope my strategy will work... if they come alone. If they take my sisters, it will be more complicated. Well, time to make some cookies!
"Help me, Shadow!" I whisper, as I hear some voices. They are coming. From the station, they now cross the bridge over the river and it's a matter of seconds until they reach the house. I can see them on the window. They will go directly into the kitchen, as always. The door opens. Well, both my parents and my sisters. All are here.
"Oh, welcome to all of you!" I say with a smile, looking in their eyes, to see what to expect.
My parents are serious, by their look. I see in my father's eyes a pain. I know and that makes me suffer. Anytime I do something I shouldn't do, it is the same pain. He wants to change me, but he knows that I never let him to. He is just like always, with dark grey clothes and a woolen hat. My mother looks also affected, but there is a smile in her eyes. It looks more like 'what are you up to' then 'what have you done'. She is in a dark yellow winter coat, with a dark sweater. Cemis is looking like 'Ana, I have nothing to do with this, tell me what to do' and wears a blue coat with knee-long skirt and boots, but her black pantyhose are visible a she takes a seat. Abida is looking like 'I want to know what's going on and that's all' as she is wearing an old fur coat, with a dark grey knee-length skirt and boots. But again, you can see her dark-blue pantyhose. Alia - Atan will like to see this, I think. For sure, they will stay until he comes. They all want to know him better. I took my green dress, which he bought me, with a dark red sweater. And since it's cold, I took black opaque tights and layered green pantyhose over them. The result is a darker green, warmer for my feet, a good think since around the house I move in plastic slippers.
"Small Wonder", says my dad, "would you tell us what is going on?"
A fast, direct approach. I must not say I don't know, they know well. The whole village knows.
"About what?" I ask, not being curious.
"About that guy, Atan, you keep in your house", he continues.
"People say he was dressed like a woman", says Cemis with a smile, lighting a cigarette.
"Yes, it is true", I answer very calm, lighting my cigarette. "Here", I say as I put a pack and an astray on the table.
"People say you were doing witchcraft", says my mom, as she lights one.
"Yes", adds Abida, lighting one too. "Is that true?"
"Yes, I was doing a spell to him, but never expected to get things like that".
"so, it is true", says my dad, making a cloud of smoke. "But why, Small wonder?"
"This was not my plan", I say, as all the eyes watch me.
"First of all", starts my mom. "Are you trying to kill him or make him suffer?"
"No. And I sworn him I wont".
The small room gets full with smoke, like always when they all come. They want to open the door a little bit. Well, my addiction to smoking is beyond any limit. All of them smoke because of me.
"It was like this", I start speaking after taking a drag. "I've seen some strange patterns in his personality, like he wants a different life then what he has. So, I did to him what I do. I placed my hands around his head and started moving them, asking Actit for help. And suddenly, he started to talk, but with a different voice. I never experienced something like that. He said 'I am half man, half woman. With the body of a man, but the soul of a woman'. This was the first time".
"You mean you've done many times this on him?" asks Abida.
"Yes, many times. It all started after I found out that he wears pantyhose under his trousers".
they look surprised. Cemis laughs at this. Abida looks very serious. Dad looks a bit disgusted, while mom takes it like a big surprise.
"He has the body of a man, but the soul of a woman", I repeat.
"Is he gay?" asks my dad, with much disgust in his eyes.
"No, not gay, I answer. And he loves me. You see this dress? He bought to me. And many clothes".
"I knew he loves you", says Cemis with a smile, taking her cigarette to her mouth.
"But do you love him?" asks my mom.
"Yes, I do", I answer with a huge smile and release.
I see a glimpse of hope in my dad's eyes. All his pain comes from knowing I am a sfenist and I cannot have sex, so no guy will ever remain around me.
"Is he... sfenist?" says Abida, with a mathematic coldness in her eyes.
She knows I am a sfenist? I never told my sisters or my brother that, because they could tell others. Only my parents knew. They must have told them. Well, no time to show surprised, let's be calm.
"Yes, he is a sfenist", I answer, with a strong voice, almost like a man. "That's the reason why I chosen him and that's the reason I rejected all other guys over and over".
Immediately, I see a major change in their eyes. Cemis takes all with a smile of happiness, like saying 'the story looks well, there is no need to get involved... Ana is OK'. My mom looks like 'what a surprise! All my prays, all my fasting and tears have brought this guy here'. Dad doesn't look happy, like saying 'I hoped you will recover one day... or one handsome guy will take you out from this state and give me back the daughter I had'. Well, Abida looks like 'Now I get the whole story, it makes sense'.
"That happened even before I tried to kill him", I continue. Since then, he is half a man, when at work, but half a woman, when at home..."
"Doesn't it sound disgusting?" says my dad.
"Hey!" I hear my mom. "Don't you see? Small Wander hates men. You remember when she said she would like to rape all men with a... I don't remember what and then crucify all men in the world?"
"I do", says Abida, as she lights another cigarette. "Well, I think they match. They have many things in common".
"Just don't kill him, Ana, will you?" says Cemis, as she lights another cigarette.
"I didn't finish the story", I say.
"Continue, Small Wonder", says my mom, as she takes two cigarettes: one for herself and one for my dad.
"Half man, as he becomes a man at work, but half woman, as he comes at home. After I heard he saying this, he didn't remember anything. But, I gave him the widest skirt I have, which is too large for me. And he felt so naturally in it. I just couldn't believe it! So, I decided to buy a few women clothes for him, for when he is at home".
I make a little pause, to light another cigarette.
"All worked like this, without anyone knowing. All, until that night, when I made the spell again. And he said: 'It is time for anyone to know this, that inside this body lives the soul of a woman' and he stood up. I asked 'Atan, are you there?' and he said... or at least that voice said 'no, he is not here'. And I asked 'who you are' and the voice answered 'I am Alia'. So, what could I do?"
They are all shocked.
"I don't believe it", says Abida.
"I do", says Cemis.
I take a full drag of smoke and continue:
"The train was coming, so I had to go to the station. He followed me to the station, in women clothes. I did not know what to do. It was time to wake him up. I tried, but got the spell wrong. I tried again... The train was coming, so I tried and got it right, but the train was there. So, everybody seen it".
"I don't believe it", says my dad. I know you have powers, but not that much. And I never seen any wizard in the mountains, able to do that. I think that you are half true, but half this is a lie. I don't know what part. And you know that if he is a gay, the unwritten law says we will have to kill him or force him leave".
"This works only on him, on nobody else. And I don't know why. I even don't know how I did it to work like this. I do sorcery for a long time, but never made the shadow of a person to speak".
"I believe you", says my mom. "But be careful, you are doing something you don't know. Wrong spell and you'll kill him".
"That sounds plausible to me", adds Abida, playing with her long blonde hair.
"Well, Small Wonder", says my dad, you always have token strange decisions through your life. You made me cry many times, as you seem to go towards the gates of hell. I always trusted you and I will always do. Only that to me, this guy is too strange. On the other hand, he is somehow not stranger then you are".
Cemis laughs at this, while Abida watches all calm. My mom has a hidden smile, while my dad lights another cigarette and says:
"I have nothing against you, if you want to be with him. If I have something against, is his strange woman side. The only thing I do want, now, is to see him. We will wait until the train comes. Don't worry, even if it sounds strange and he might be not my type, I won't stop you. Anyway, there is no force rather then gods, able to stop you. I never could".
This is better then expected. So, if my dad accepts this, there will be peace between us. I don't want a war with my parents.
Now, let's wait the evening train...
All Together
The evening train should come soon. I hear the radio beeps, wait a bit and go to the station. There are two persons waiting at the platform, but they seem to ignore me. It looks like they heard the story and avoid me. Well, just hope Alia - Atan did what his part.
I hear the train coming. Then, I see it: the old engine, carrying 3 rusted wagons. The train stops and people go down, while the two that were waiting go up. Alia - Atan comes directly to me. He looks so exhausted. We hug each other, like after a hard day. But... while I hug him, I see that everyone is at the windows, watching us.
"Ana!" shouts a man.
"Yes, Bagdad. What do you want?"
"I've seen you last night, in train! Tell the truth or die!"
"Watch your words, or you will be dancing like a cuckoo in a tree!" I say, while other people laugh.
"Tell the truth or I'll kill you!" he insists. "Last night you were here with Atan on the platform and he was dressed as a woman!"
"That's true", I answer with a smile.
"You see?" Bagdad shouts. "She is a witch! If Atan dies, you will die too! By my hands!"
"Shut up, Bagdad", shouts Alia - Atan. "Witch or not, I love her. And if this makes her happy, I will let her even kill me!"
We get fast inside the station. I radio contact nearby stations, then signal the train to go.
"Die, bitch!" says someone as the train departs.
I look in his eyes. He had a hard day. I just imagine what happened.
"Did you tell them that you remember nothing?"
"I told them that I don't remember anything and they forced me to swear. Well, I managed not to... They all think you made me sorcery".
I hear as he tells me a few more details. After a few minutes, I say:
"Well played, partner! But now, another game awaits us. My parents and my sisters are here. They want to know you. Pretend you remember nothing from last night. I've told them that was not the first time I made you a spell and you don't remember even those events. Also, I told them you are a sfenist and they understood. I told them that you wear pantyhose and that in house you dress-up like a woman".
"You did that?" he says, not accepting my actions.
"It is the best way. Past my parents and sisters, nothing will go. Nobody will know that you are a sfenist, just as nobody knows that I am".
"I mean, about the pantyhose I wear hidden".
"Now, when the whole world knows you were dressed like a woman? It is too late. Don't fail now, it is too late. You will ruin everything. Just go to the kitchen with me, say hello to them. Then, go to the house and change in Alia. Then, be friendly to them".
We go. I can see that this is too much for him. But, not for me! I like to do these kind of things. We enter the house and say hello to all of them. I make presentations and tell them that "This is Atan. He will go to change into Alia and then we will eat". I go with him to the house and wait him in the shoe changing room. I realize it will be too hard for him to return to the kitchen on his own. It takes too long and I see he is not changing.
"come on, you will ruin everything!" I say.
"This is too much for me!"
"This should be too much for me too. I heard over 50 people today saying that they will kill me".
"Help me pick up something that will match".
I enter and help him. I pick a black and white sweater, a white knee-long dress, black tights and open-toe sandals. We go together, holding our hands, to the kitchen. We enter and I say:
"And this is Alia!"
He takes a seat and I start adjusting the table and putting food on it. I look at their eyes. Alia - Atan looks so embarrassed, even scared a bit. Cemis is smiling, even laughing a bit. She is laughing to see something she never seen, not to be against him. My mom examines him, mainly by looking in his eyes, not at the clothes too much. Her look is like 'strange guy, but good soul, definitively good for you'. My dad looks with one eye closed. Clearly he doesn't like that. It is against his wish, to have me married with a normal man. But also, I see the pain in his eyes. He has suffered more then anyone because I am a sfenist. Abida, on the other hand, watches him mathematic cold eyes, like always. She certainly accepts him, as he is not a thread to me.
The tradition says that people don't speak while eating. It is considered a sign of disrespect for the host. And this is just what is needed. My planning was perfect. It is good that for a few minutes they all look at each other, without talking. We eat the soup, then comes the second meal of the day. And then, a few cookies for everyone, with enough milk.
When many people gather together, we put a round, low table in the middle, while we all sit around it. Also, the food is placed in a large pot and everyone takes as much as it needs, in its own plate. Like always, I cook with vegetables and milk-based products. But since this is a rare occasion, I also added small slices of meat to everyone. Here goes all the meat in the house!
Then, I take the plates in a plastic basin and put water from a bucket over them. I will wash them later. I put a plastic bag full with handmade cigarettes and two lighters, together with the ashtray, so that all of us can smoke. And just as expected, we all light a cigarette.
The main problem is that Alia - Atan does not speak well yet our native language. So, on many occasions, I have to translate everything.
My dad starts to ask him general questions, like: were are you from, what religion are you, what you do, how much you earn, how is the world from where you come; general things like this. Then, my mom starts to ask him things like do you like here, have you adapted to this place, to the people, to the unwritten law... Then, my dad says:
"Do you like our daughter?"
"Yes, I do", he says.
"Do you know what she did to you last night?"
"The witchcraft? I heard from the people at the mine. I remember nothing".
My dad is so surprised! They all look at him.
"Really? You don't remember?" says Abida.
"No, nothing. When I came to the mine, people were asking me over and over again. I was so surprised, that they had to swear and I still didn't believe them".
"Are you angry on Ana for this?" asks Cemis.
"Not for what she has done, but for the way she has done", explains Alia - Atan. "I don't like that she didn't tell me anything and I found out all from the miners".
"You are not angry that she made you stay in the railway station dressed as a woman?" says my mom.
"No. I would have accepted this, if this made her happy".
"Are you angry that she tried to kill you?" asks my dad.
"No, I am not angry on that. But I was scared to death. And I still am".
"Relax! I won't kill you as long as you smoke!" I say.
"What do your parents say about our daughter?" asks my mom.
"Hey!" says Cemis. How could them know from such far away?"
"Yes, they don't know anything yet", says Alia - Atan. "But I don't talk to them much".
"You should", says my dad. "One day, you should".
"I just waited for Nicotiana to see if she will kill me. If I survive long enough, I will tell them".
The conversation lasts long in night. It changes to many subjects: from some calf meat my parents want to buy, to how are we going to plant tobacco in spring, to what if hyperinflation will strike again the next year... a lot of things. But not only.
"So, you were wearing pantyhose before?" asks Abida.
"Yes, but nobody ever noticed until Nicotiana".
I laugh.
"You like wearing them, don't you?" says Abida again.
"I do", he says.
"No problem", says Cemis, laughing and taking off her boots. "Look, I wear too! But I guess mine are a bit more transparent then yours", she says, showing her toes.
"We all wear", says my mom, showing them where her jeans end.
"All of us except dad", laughs Cemis. "Dad, put on some pantyhose, will you?"
Even dad laughs at this joke. but something to Cemis, to shut up.
"Well", says Abida, while lighting a cigarette, "you got what you deserved, Ana. Your obsession with smoking made us all start to smoke, plus all your fellow at school, high school, university, coworkers... not to mention the whole village. Now, you meet a person with another obsession, probably as strong as yours".
"Smoking is good", I reply short, lighting another cigarette.
"I know", adds Abida, but it is not about the thing itself. It is about the way you tell everyone that it is a good thing".
"Works for me!" says Cemis, lighting a cigarette for herself.
"also works for me", says Alia - Atan, lighting one.
And immediately, our parents light their cigarettes. Well, the kitchen is as large as the rooms in the house, but still small. With 6 smokers, it gets too smoky inside, but still manageable for me. I have to go, as the radio beeps and a train will come... the same train when Alia - Atan was wearing women clothes in the station. Then, I return to the house.
They all decide to go. And they do, after we smoke one last cigarette together. As they go, Cemis makes one final joke. She wants Alia - Atan not to shake hands, as men do, but to shake feet. They touch each other, knee by knee. Then, she does the same with me. My dad remains behind a bit and talks with him.
Without Ana noticing, her dad says to the stranger:
"You have no idea what this girl has been through. I realize that she did all this for a reason, she never does things at random. I think the reason is that she wants you to be happy, to allow your feminine soul to dress like a woman. You must realize that she has token a huge risk. Only to us, at least 10 people said that they will kill her. With other words, she risked her life for you. I am going to put it all, straight. If anything happens to her, I will kill you. And beware, you are not the first one I've killed".
We return to the house and make fire. We relax on the bed, watching the shadows and lights the fire makes on the walls. We lie in bed, holding one each other by hand, but in such a way that we can touch each other's feet, at the knee. We both light a cigarette and smoke with the other hand.
"Mission won!" I say. "It was a huge gamble, but I did it. From now, Alia can walk in skirts and dresses around the house. We will need some other appearances like this from time to time".
"I must say thank you", he answers. "You risked your life for me".
"It is not the first time I risk my life to make someone happy", I answer. "But as long as you don't die, nobody will kill me".
"Thank you for everything".
"You're welcome!"
"I started to like the huge confusion you created to everyone at the mine".
I laugh, dropping some ash on the bed. "It is not the first time... and for sure not the last time".
"You've done similar things?"
"You have no idea. How many tons of counterfeited tobacco I carried over the border, you don't imagine. This is how I survived at the University, by selling cigarettes. One time, I filled five benches in a train with packs of cigarettes. I just placed the packs inside the tiny gap between benches and the wall. But when I seen the police coming, I just stepped outside the train and lighted a cigarette. They discovered what was inside and one of them came to me: 'Miss, do you know what is inside the train?' 'Cigarettes', I answered. 'Do you know who put them here or where they're going?' And I answered: 'No, only that there I found this pack!' and showed him what I was smoking. But the real reason I let them discover all those cigarettes was another one. They thought they hit the jackpot, without knowing that in the next train, I had about 20 times more cigarettes placed in sacks covered with clothes. The first cigarettes went to the news, the latter ones went to make some lungs happy. And this is not the only time I took a gamble".
It is getting dark and late. We are exhausted and we must get to sleep. The plates remain unwashed in the kitchen. Maybe tomorrow. But, as we get ready to sleep, Alia - Atan says:
"Nicotiana, I think I know what should be the next step".
"What do you have in mind?"
"What if I will come tomorrow at the mine with painted nails?"
I look amazed at him. I think he is on the good track now. So, I take one of my nail polishes and start applying some color. How about a very light pink? A mixture of pink and white, in fact. I slowly apply this paint, then we wait it to dry, as we smoke one more cigarette.
One hard day has passed and everything went just as I planned.
Happiness is a two blade sword
The Wiseman
Just as I planned, everyone calmed down in a week. Seeing a man dressed as a woman, was like a boom to these mountains. But, any explosion has not the power to last long. People get used to this, but they will keep talking. Alia - Atan went back to the mine, dressed like a man, but this time with painted nails. People again commented a lot, but they got used to it. They all think I am a witch and I am responsible for the whole transformation. They think that, like a parasite, I keep sucking his blood and I will kill him slowly. Well, can they ever understand that this is not the truth? No. Just let them think what they want.
At the mine, he is Atan, the Geological expert, but back home, he becomes Alia, the woman (or at least half woman). But, after four days at the mine, he gets a free day home. Not the same is for me. I have to serve the railway station 24/7. Or, if I go somewhere else, I need to put someone else there. I usually call my sisters.
It is winter now. Today it is a bit warmer and snow starts to melt. Alia - Atan is home. We decide to cut some wood trunks for fire, then to smash large chunks of coal. Then, we do some cleanup in the house. All looks good. After we finish all this, we get back inside the house, to my laptop. This is the only connection to the outer world that we have.
I am dressed in a green sweater that he both me, with a knee-long brown skirt. I have brown pantyhose and black leggings. He is wearing a red woman blouse, with a knee-long skirt like me and with black opaque tights. This is how we were outside. I know some people walked by and seen this and this is just what I wanted. The fact that some people seen him like this, will keep everyone thinking that he is caught in my witchcraft. Finally, after months, they will get used to it. And by that time, it will come the time when he can walk through the village dressed like this.
The internet is the only connection to the world that we have and the only source of information. Alia - Atan is using now my laptop to read a message from his parents. It works like the old letters. He sends one, then they read and send another one back the next day. We light a cigarette.
"If they know that right now I am dressed like a woman and smoking" he says, "they will probably have a heart attack!"
I laugh. "Relax, there is no way they can find out".
"Hey, the Christmas is coming", he says. "Look, they want me to take a few free days and come to them".
"Well, that is the worst part of the year", I say, after I inhale some smoke.
"I don't get it. Why?"
"You will see", I answer. "At least for the railway. Drunk miners, drunk train engineers, drunk station operators... Also, drunk people in the villages. You will see. Drunk men starting to beat their wives and children, drunk women, incest and adultery... You will think this rotten world is going to end".
"Is this all they do for Christmas?" he asks amazed. "We decorate a tree, we bring presents to each other and mostly to children, we visit our relatives and friends". He takes a drag from his cigarette and says: "Then, let's go to visit my parents. The road would take two days and two days back... So, if we go on December 22th, we could be there and return here... around December 28th".
I look a bit surprised. Well, I've done many things in my life, but I never visited the world Beyond The Sea. Ana, this might be your chance!
"Christmas before the new year?" I say surprised. "Then, you must be a Catholic. Orthodox Christmas is after the new year", I say.
"No. I am an Orthodox, but where I come, it is celebrated before new year".
"Here, it is after the new year", I answer. "It would be better to be the same date. Less days to watch for drunk people!"
"I see you hate drunk people", he adds.
"It is true. Show me a single family destroyed by smoking and I will show you a million families destroyed by alcohol".
"But I always wanted to ask you", he adds. "Where does your extreme addiction to smoking come from?"
"It added over time, Alia", I say, while taking another dose of smoke. "I started smoking even before I was born, as my parents both smoked at that time. Then, when I was young, before school, I found cigarettes and started to smoke on my own. Nobody learned me how. It was just myself. I liked it. I was 6 when my parents found out. They tried to stop me in any possible way. But, each time, I was sitting on the floor and crying until they gave me a cigarette".
"I guess you were the youngest smoker on this planet!"
"Not quite... but I was young", I continue, while looking at my cigarette which is almost entirely consumed. "Then I went to school. My parents told me not to smoke there. But I was too addicted. I used to hide in the bushes beyond school fences, but one day they caught me. Immediately, my parents were called at school. The teachers convinced them to stop smoking after this incident. But I didn't. So, after a week, I was caught again. Then again and again and again".
"What age did you have?"
"I guess 10, don't remember exactly. Well, at some point, my dad went to the school director and said to him: 'There is no way to make her stop smoking. We tried everything possible. Even I stopped, my wife stopped, but she will not. If she has nothing to smoke, she will cry for hours. There is nothing we could do'. The director realized that was a big problem and asked my dad: 'What do you propose?' And he said: 'As long as she is in the schoolyard, she is protected, outside she is not. So, let her smoke somewhere in a corner, where you can have an eye on her. Better this way, then to have her hidden in the bushes and attacked by who knows what'. And the director accepted. The next day, he came to me and took me out in a brake, to the schoolyard. Close to the door of his office, there was a concrete slab. He told me, in front of other teachers: 'At the break between classes, you can come here and smoke. Nobody will do anything to you. I will watch you. Only on the concrete slab! You are not allowed to smoke anywhere else, not even on the road. On the concrete slab, you can smoke as much as you want'. He also told me that he now expects the best school results from me".
"Wow!" he says. "And you were smoking there?"
"Yes. In every break. The problem is that also other children wanted to... and I learned them. On the other hands, my parents and all teachers understood me, but were watching powerless as more and more children were getting addicted because of me. The only thing they could do is to force me learn better and be polite to everyone. This is how I become the cute and polite girl I was at school".
"I see..." he says, looking at my feet.
"Well, I remember a school inspector that once came. He seen me at class and was impressed, but then, he seen me smoking from the director's office. I remember what he said: 'Oh, that girl. Smart and good learning, second in her class. She is very cute and polite, even shy. But she smokes. How is that possible? Why don't you do something?' and the director said: 'I tried everything and couldn't do anything, not even her parents'. Then, I don't know what teacher called me 'Princess Nicotine' and all teachers started to call me that. Then, when I was 12 I think, the Biology teacher called me 'Nicotiana' and this remained my name. At high school I recommended myself as Nicotiana and at the University also as Nicotiana, that later became Ana".
"Now I understand where your strong addiction comes from", he says. "I imagine how everyone was looking at you, like at a big surprise".
"Well, it didn't take that much for everyone to get used to it", I add. "It was like a blast for the whole school, but it didn't last more then a week. Then, as I told you, as I moved to high school and the University, my parents could no longer support me. So, I survived by making and selling handmade cigarettes. Then, I entered business with that guy, Stromboli, a cigarette counterfeiter. It all worked well, until he tried to have a relationship with me. You know what happened. Well, he got his hands off me, but even today he comes and buys cigarettes from my parents and me, to smuggle them in the civilized world".
He answers nothing. He knows how I attacked Stromboli at that time. Too bad I didn't kill him, but still good he is alive, since he buys my staff. I know what people say in the civilized world, that smoking kills. Well, it gave me an identity, a name and the money to survive.
"I am amazed how, from that cute and polite girl, you evolved into what you are today", he says.
"It was not my wish to be like this", I add. "Don't you think I did not want a peaceful family life? To live a normal life in the village, get married and have children? With all that anger I had against all men. Against every man on the face of the Earth. Man, not sissy", I say, as I pinch his pantyhose.
"I am sorry for all your life", he says.
"I had one chance: to go to the University, if I didn't want to get into relationships with guys. But without money, I had to fight to survive".
As we talk, we see a new message from his parents:
Darling, if you cannot come for Christmas, we will come to you. Just tell us how to get to where you are.
"I don't want to see them here", he says. "They will destroy the new me, as you created it".
"Then we will go to them", I add fast.
"My parents are not like yours", he says. "They have a strong authority and they never allowed me do anything then learning, during school. And suddenly, after school, they forced me twice to get married".
"This is why you don't oppose me each time I decide something", I say. "You don't fight back. You are dominated by them, even by their shadow. You have to break the chains that they have put on you".
"They are my parents", he insists.
"I almost blew these mountains, over 50 people said 'I will kill you' and they still don't interfere with my life", I say. "Your parents have put a dog leash around your neck and you need someone to pull the leash, to follow. But you do have a personality, even a strong one. Only that it is encased. You have to break out!"
"I know".
"This will take time to happen. Maybe an year".
"I know... Well, should we tell my parents that we are going to them? I mean, they don't even know about you".
"Yes, we should", I answer. "Do you want to tell them about your new life?"
"I think not. Somehow, they are part of a life that no longer is mine. The former me died when I became the double-soul Atan - Alia".
"That's good", I say. The former me also died a long time ago, when that teacher told me that I am a sfenist".
"Do you keep in tough with her?" he asks.
"Yes, I do. And I think she would be happy to see you. Many answers await you there".
Then, I open Google Maps and look.
"Well", he says, "the most easy way to get to my parents should be to go to the Land Of Dictators, cross it and reach the Land Of Sea. From there, we can take an airplane".
"The Land Of Dictators is a Neo - Communist state. We can cross that easy, a little bribery should do the trick. But at the Land Of The Sea, people don't like us. We will could be arrested without any reason. I don't want that route".
"What if we go..." he continues. "Go to the Land Of Sand? I don't think so".
"The Land Of Sand is rich in oil deposits and people will not harm us. But to go there, we have to cross Land Of Fire, which is a revolting dump. Extremists and terrorists are at every corner. I don't think it is a good idea. I will be sold to a harem and you, as a Christian, will be crucified".
"Then, we have only one way to reach an airport", he finishes. "Through the Land Of Nomads, then the Land Of Ice".
"There I was at the University, in the Land Of Ice. I know the way. With some bribery, we will get there. Stromboli will help, if he wants more tobacco from me. Should be the best way! We just need to go to Jupiter for some paperwork before all this".
He tells his parents the following message:
Don't worry, we will get to you for Christmas. Wait us home!
He said 'we', when his parents have no idea who 'we' are. I smell a bit trouble. But, this must be done. We talk further details about this. The money for such a trip is beyond my possibilities, but not for him. We discuss the arrangements needed.
It takes a few days for us to get the paperwork. I talk with Abida and Cemis about the details, so they will work at the station for me. He goes to the mine and discuss about it. Since he is from far away, everyone accepts that a few free days will be a good thing for him. His parents answer in two days, saying: We? Who are you coming with? and he answers: You will see. Well, time to see a new world that I've never seen before! In my mind, I try to make a plan, but without enough details and many unknown factors, there is much I cannot fit.
I contact Stromboli on the internet for help and he shows us the best way to move around, all the way to the destination and back. He also gives us a job, to carry a fake transport of cigarettes for the customs to pick-up, so they will be busy looking in the wrong direction as he will smuggle two wagons full with cigarettes through the border. In exchange, he pays our transport.
We have a maximum window of 5 days, so everything must be planned carefully.
What we see is like the shadows on the wall. To know the reality, you must see the real objects that draw the shadows.
Legend of the shadow
I want to go with Alia - Atan to have Christmas with is parents. But in order to do this, we must do something much harder. We must help a leader from the cigarette contraband mafia to succeed with a transport. In response, he will pay for our ticket towards the civilized world and back here. I have the exact details about the mission, but it is going to be hard. However, I have an ace in my sleeve. Atan is a man, but his feminine side, Alia, can pass as a woman. We can do some confusion. Will this succeed? It is a huge gamble. In old days, I used to do such things, to survive at the University. But I long stopped doing this kind of job. Well, I hope this is for the last time ever.
The reason I do this is for Alia - Atan. By helping him win the fight with his parents, he will be freed from their influence. I must help him become the man he needs to be.
The plan is complicated. We will go from here, with the evening train that comes from the mine and go directly to the Land Of Dictators. But in order to do so, he must become a woman. He knows how to drive a car, I don't. But he is not from here and could be found easy as a stranger. It is a good thing that he is about the same size with my sister Abida. He will use her documents.
This is a men job. So, why does Stromboli want me to do it? Because I am a woman and nobody would expect a woman to get involved into this. Well, I am more a man then a woman, but with the body of a woman.
All is done. The evening train, with miners, will come soon. I am in the train station with Cemis, who will work here until we return. Alia - Atan should come by train. I have everything prepared, but using him for this job is very risky. Will all this work? I must confess that I am nervous. Damn it, Atan! How many things do I have to do for you? Have you ever had a feeling that something terrible is going to happen? That you might succeed this time, but using the whole luck in your life, so that next time you will probably die? I promise to myself that this will be the last time in my life ever, that I risk my or his life. Really. No more. I just want a normal life, up here, in the mountains. In fact, this is why I came here, to have a quiet life where nobody will bother me.
The train comes and stops at the station. I get in, with a big luggage. The miners are no longer starring at me like before. I take a sit close to Atan and we both light a cigarette. I can see on his face that he is under huge stress. I can feel the tension inside him.
I look at his trousers, knowing that beneath them, there are pantyhose. I know their color: brown. I've seen them in the morning. Nobody knows this but me. And I look at my feet, beneath the green knee-long dress. I have black leggings and grown pantyhose beneath them, the same color he has. I wanted to have something in common with him, for this dangerous mission. He doesn't say anything.
"I want this one to be the last time I do this", I say.
"Me too", he says. "I want to be out of this, back in our home".
The train struggles to pass over the river. The bridge has collapsed a few years ago. As a desperate solution, the miners laid two wide tree trunks and placed the rail slippers and the rails above them. This is by far not something safe, but for a while, trains can pass. And then, the valley narrows a bit.
Here comes Almathea station, a small, red building. And in the station, I see Nadia, a woman that does exactly what I do: control train movement. We say hello to each other.
Then, the train continues its route. From here, the valley is larger, not so squeezed by surrounding mountains. Villages are on both sides of the rivers and stations are one after the other: Telesto, Himalia and others. Finally, where the mountains end and the valley is large enough, comes Jupiter, capital of the Land Of Mountains. Here ends our coal railway and other lines join. Most of them are also old and unrepaired.
We jump out of the train, taking our luggage with us, walking through the orange hall of this station. It is large, but with many cracks in the walls. "No time for this, Ana! You need to hurry, you know there is not much time!" says my shadow.
Fine, then! We go and pick two tickets for Neptune, capital of the Land Of Dictators. Then, we step right in the train. I force Alia - Atan into the toilette, to change. Oh, the pain I see on his face. Again, I promise myself that this will never happen.
He steps out as a woman. He has now a pink jacket, a red sweater, a black dress and the brown pantyhose, covered with black knee-high boots. I see his face. Almost exploding.
"Remember, you are Abida", I say.
He doesn't answer. We move to an empty bench in this train, where we put our luggage. We ask a young couple to watch our staff, while we go outside and smoke.
"Come on, you will draw attention!" I say.
"It is the first time I am dressed like a woman on the street", he says.
"It looks like you are the man and I am the woman! Stop crying!"
"Nicotiana, you really are a man!" he says.
I take a big drag from my cigarette and blow the smoke in his face. Oh mine! I almost made him fall on the back!
"On the other hand, it is incredible! Alia is walking free!" he says.
Yes, it is the first time he is walking like this, in a train station, surrounded by many people. But no time for that. A man comes with four large suitcases and says:
"Nicotiana?"
"Reporting", I say.
He gives us the suitcases and an envelope with money, saying one thing:
"Stromboli".
He vanishes and we return in the train.
This is a completely different train, with chairs for passengers and with the walls painted. It clearly is old, about the same age as trains that go to the mine, but repaired. Such a difference in comfort! Almost immediately, the train starts moving.
Outside, all you can see are a few lights in the darkness of the night. The train moves pretty fast, about 50 km/h. Alia is looking at the window, scared. What should I do? I think a second... her hair is not as it should be. Men don't look at details. The first thing a woman does when she wakes up (after lighting her cigarette, as I do) is to brush her hair. And also, his make-up is not as it should be. So, I take my hair brush and start to arrange his hair. Also, I start to adjust his make-up. He doesn't know how to match colors. Too much lipstick!
"Look at yourself!" I say, trying to repair her make-up.
"I know! Sorry!"
When I hear his voice, the voice of a man, I realize this is what will betray him. I thought about all aspects. I epilated his feet, his back, his belly. Then, I've seen his arms with all that male hair... and I tortured him again. I thought that his beard and mustache will grow and I took what is needed for shaving. The hair looks feminine, even if short. The clothes fit him perfectly. I even managed to make false tits. I sewed some cotton and other materials inside two socks and sewed them inside the cups of a bra. With this, he really looks like a woman. Not to mention the huge effort that was for me to find boots. Men feet are larger then women!
What should I do to his voice? If someone asks him something, that voice will betray him. As I finish arranging his make-up, I add a few perfume.
"Here you are, Alia!" I say. "Aren't you gorgeous?"
"I hope so", he answers.
"We smoke too much and that's why our voices are like that", I add. "But you, my sister, have smoked far more then I did my entire life. Let's get on the corridor for another cigarette!"
We move out. It is like two women are having a smoke. Well, we both are between 20 and 25, so I guess we look cute. As the train hurtles through the night, we see the lights of a distant village. Other people come to the corridor to have a smoke. But what I like the most, is that Alia - Atan is no longer so embarrassed.
Just as we move in, the train controller comes and asks everyone about tickets. Don't I know how things work here? So much contraband is transported on these trains. And everyone knows. So, when he comes, I show him our tickets, my regional passport and Abida's, then give him a bag with 10 packs of cigarettes.
"Have a good journey, ladys", he says and goes to other passengers.
"Everyone gives him something", whispers Alia - Atan to my ear.
"Because everyone is carrying something", I add.
I fall asleep with my head on his shoulder. My hands are partially resting on his body. I know this railway so well. There are a few stations. Then, the train starts climbing in the mountains. And then, comes the great tunnel, that also crosses the border. At the last village, the train will stop for 20 minutes and detach all wagons but ours. Then, for a few hours there will be nothing to see outside, but the dark night. I know well, how the train changes speed to 15 km/h while climbing to the pass and that inside the tunnel it makes a completely different sound. Then I know that the train will move along the steep grade towards Neptune, the capital city of the Land O Dictators.
I wake-up in the tunnel. Alia - Atan is not sleeping. his eyes are looking at the window.
"The tunnel!" I wisper. "We are crossing the border right now!"
"Like this, without a custom house?" he asks.
"I need a cigarette!" I say, taking him to the corridor.
There is nobody here, now, but a multitude of suitcases, filled with who-knows-what. As we sit, I see how he starts to become a copy of myself. He stays just like me. He is copying my movements. Even the way he smokes is similar.
"Nice boots you have", I say as I light my cigarette.
"You should try some higher boots instead of booties", he says, looking at my feet.
"And you should try to wear two layers of tights or pantyhose with leggings", I add.
"I will try", he says.
The tunnel ends. I know the place. Now, we will see the Land Of Dictators from above. The train will slowly descend towards their capital. He looks almost stunned at the landscape. A lot of lights can be seen far away, in the plain. There are almost no villages in the mountains here. Only a dim light from the moon illuminates them.
"So beautiful! The other side of the mountains!" he says.
"And you didn't want to come! Shame on you, Alia", I say, to boost his courage. "We will be there by 3 AM".
"I hope Cemis wakes up for the 3 AM train", he says.
"She will sleep in our house for the night", I answer.
After we finish our cigarettes, we return to our seats. The train continues to descent until he finally reaches the capital, Neptune.
We take our luggage down. How many suitcases! But not only us. Many people do the same. The platform is filled with luggage.
"Wow!" whispers Alia - Atan. "What on Earth are they carrying?"
"Many are peasants, transporting food to the city. Others are bringing alcohol. And some of them, are carrying cigarettes", I whisper him back. "Everybody struggles to survive here. Then, they bring back clothes and electronics".
We start carrying all our luggage. We go to the exit of this large, sparkling white station. The walls are decorated with ancient Communist paintings.
"The city is nice and interesting, but we don't have that time", I say. "Come to register and grab a car!"
We struggle with all our luggage. I stop at a police officer and show him our regional passports.
"We will be back in 10 hours", I say. "We go to Oberon, to our aunt".
I also give him 10 packs of cigarettes. He immediately takes them and signs without any question. We move on, to a place outside the station. There, we see a few taxis and what I wanted: a rent-a-car. A fat woman is sitting there, smoking a cigarette.
"We want to rent a car, to take this staff to Oberon", I say. "We will return in 6 hours".
"Where are you from?" she asks.
"Callisto, Land Of Mountains".
"And she is..."
"My sister, Abida", I say short.
"Ok. Leave here one passport. To rent for a day, it's 20 $, but you need to leave 500 $ as insurance. You will get the money when you will return".
Stromboli gave us enough money for this job. I pay her and we upload all this staff inside a white car.
"Abida, you drive", I say. "It is now all up to you, girl".
He takes the wheel and starts to drive. Easy, there is ice on the road. But the roads are clear. Even at noon, there are not many cars in this city. I guide him:
"At the next, turn left. Then, go right, to the boulevard".
Unlike Jupiter, which is a mountain town, Neptune is in the plains. The town is flat, with parallel streets and with many concrete blocks. Streets are illuminated, but there is almost no light in the rooms. People are still sleeping. Nobody is expecting us here. I know well that after 3.30 AM, even police is sleeping. That is the best time to strike. We see one car. It comes from behind and goes forward, vanishing somewhere ahead.
We slowly pass out of the city. The road becomes narrow and unrepaired. I know well the poverty of rural areas in here. Famines are common. With many holes in the road, it becomes difficult to drive. But not for him. Then, I advice him to turn left, on a country road. Here, the ice covers the road, but we still can go.
Now this is the plan Stromboli gave us: In this station, there will be a cargo train stationed. It is full with coal. Our job is to take cigarettes from all the four suitcases he gave us, to put all the packs up on the coal, but partially buried. This train will go to Land Of Sea and from there it will go towards the civilized world. When it will cross the border to the civilized world, customs will see the packs and will stop the train for an inspection. They will think that they hit a jackpot, when in fact a second train will pass, full with contraband cigarettes.
So, in the silence of the night, I change clothes, taking some dirty ones. I start the work. But, surprise! The cigarettes are of a brand I never carried and I never knew Stromboli makes. Well, no time to lose. At this hour, personnel at the station is for sure sleeping. I climb on the wagons and Alia - Atan throws me the first cardboard box. I do my job well. Then, he gives me the second one and the third one. We keep on doing this for about half an hour. All looks clear! I finish placing the last pack and get back to the car.
Now, time to wash my hands and face from coal and to change clothes back. Changing in the freezing winter is by far not pleasant. Then, I hurry inside the car.
"Alia, turn the car heat on", I say as I light a cigarette. "We need to get rid of these clothes. Just turn left and we will cross a bridge".
We do just that. Alia stops on the bridge and I look around. Nobody. take the dirty clothes in the river. Working with coal always makes your clothes dirty. I even wash again my face and my hands in the snow. Then, I take off my booties and throw them too. Immediately I jump in the car, with the cigarette in my mouth.
"Turn around back to the city!"
As I give the order, I look through the luggage of other clothes. I know I have other booties around... and here they are. I put them on. No sign of coal on me! All looks good! Now, let's return to the station. We enter the city, which now is a bit busy, but not too much. Good time to travel! Between 5 and 8.30 AM, nobody will stop you. Everyone is in a hurry to work. I guide Alia - Atan back to the railway station, to the rent-a-car point. We deploy the car and I take back the 500 $ insurance. How much money! Five times my salary!
We enter the station fast, to take tickets for our next destination. We will be heading to Land Of Ice, but in order to do that, we need to go back to Land Of Mountains, to Jupiter station. The train will depart in two hours. Until then, we go to a small secluded park behind the railway station. Nobody will check us here. I know the place very well. It is a park between blocks, with a playground for children. Nobody is here at this hour. From time to time, one person goes out or in from the blocks. I go out and pick something to eat from a small shop.
We eat and then light a cigarette. Alia is dangling her boots on the snow. He is feeling the cold. Good that he was not the one to change clothes in the cold.
"I don't like the way this is going", I whisper.
"What?" he whispers to me.
"I don't remember Stromboli to ship cigarettes from here. Maybe he now works with a completely different strategy".
"Just hope we get out of this", he says.
"Also, he gave us too much money for such a simple task", I whisper. "There must be something behind. He gave us 6000 $".
"How much does he usually pay?" he whispers.
"Never more then 1000".
"What do we do now?"
"We get in nearly when the train will depart", I say. "We enter the station on main door, walk like everyone and get in. Don't look in any direction, just move forward".
"I am scared".
"I am scared too", I say. "We get directly to Jupiter and then we pick a ticket to Saturn. We have a link in 10 minutes to the Land Of Nomads".
"And then what?"
"We go to Uranus, capital of the Land Of Ice, as fast as possible. There, we take the airplane to your parents".
"I hope you're right".
"By the time we reach Uranus, we will know what happened. I have good friends there".
We stay in the park, in the cold. The wind starts. Morning is the coldest time of day. And just 12 minutes before the train starts, we go to the station. We walk forward, directly to where the train will be. I check if this is the train and we get in, with the little luggage we had. Time goes slowly. The train is late a few minutes. I hear something on the platform:
"Hold it! Stop right there!"
Oh no! What to do now? Is it for us? Then, I hear:
"You grab my money! I'll kill you!"
Then, I hear some pistol fire and someone screaming. No, more people screaming. And the train starts going. Ah, what a change! We're safe! Some people speak near us, on the corridor:
"He shot him! You seen it?"
"That thief shot the man!"
"Man! This country is rotten-up and turned upside down!"
The train is catching speed. We exit the city fast and start climbing the snow-covered mountains.
"Thanks God we're safe", whispers Alia - Atan.
The train climbs up. Then, the controller comes and asks for our tickets. I know well how things work: I show him the tickets and offer him the equivalent of 5$ in currency used in the Land Of Dictators. He again takes it without any word. We're safe! But I really feel safe only when we enter the tunnel. That is the border. Now, nobody can reach us.
The train continues its route down towards our capital, Jupiter. There, I know well how things go. We jump down from the train and go to take tickets. We jump onboard the train that will take us to Saturn. No time for anything, we only have a 7 minutes window to change trains.
Jupiter and Saturn are very close. They are separated by a large river. So, the train does not take much to cross border. A controller checks our tickets and papers and says:
"Girls, why didn't you check your passports when you left Land Of Dictators? You might get me into trouble".
"We almost lost the train", I answer, giving him about 10 $.
"When you reach Saturn, go immediately and check your regional passport, or you will be in trouble".
We cross the river and stop at Chiron. Here lies the thermal plant, where all coal from our mines is burned. We sell the nomads coal and they sell us electricity. Then, we reach Saturn.
We step down from the train, carrying our luggage. Not much, since most of it was made of cigarettes that we left in that train. We go to check our passports and then I look at the train schedule. We have some little time, enough to change. So, I decide and we take a taxi directly to the largest shop in this city. No time to look at anything. But even so, Alia - Atan looks at some items that I like. Green staff. And even the thing I was looking for by so long time: green hair paint. Well, not much time to check on items. We see if the items suit us well and we return to the station, check our passports and get in the train. This is an expensive train, but the fastest way to reach Uranus, the capital of Land Of Ice. The cruise takes 3 hours and has no stop. I immediately go to sleep.
I open my eyes at some point and see Alia - Atan sleeping. Looking at the window, I see the landscape I know so well: and endless plain. Villages are seen from place to place.
Well, we finally reach Uranus, capital of Land Of Ice, around 4 PM. All is working fine. We step out of the train and check our passports and immediately go to a cheap motel that I know well. The purpose is not to sleep there (even if a sleep should be good), but to take a shower, change clothes and paint our hair. We will stay the whole evening in here. The airplane departs a bit over midnight.
I start making my hair, then his hair. We will be women for the evening, but then he needs to change back as a man. We are sorting our clothes and trying to get dressed in this motel room. I turn the TV on, to see what is going on. Then, after a few minutes, I take care of my make-up and his. It is now time to go to city and have some fun!
The worst thing we humans do is that we judge other people. We want to transform them into what we are. But we don't understand that this is the greatest treasure of the Universe: diversity.
Legend Of The Swan
The run is over. We are in Uranus, capital of Land Of Ice, in a cheap motel room, with new outfits. In this city, we can pass as completely unknown. Nobody will notice us, unless I want to. Alia - Atan made me some unexpected surprises. He purchased almost only green clothes, knowing this is my favorite color. So, now I have a green winter coat, green gloves, a green sweater and a green knee-long skirt. He even found some green shoes for me. I love them, even if it is a bit too cold for that. I put on black tights and layer on them green pantyhose, to keep my feet warm. And the greatest surprise of all, now I have green hair! I just love to look in the mirror and see this! My hair is not long and not short. It barely reaches my shoulders. I never tie it into a tail.
He also is a woman for this evening, with a green winter coat that could suit well also for a man. He also has a green sweater and a green skirt, a bit longer then mine, with green pantyhose. The only difference is that he wears boots, which are black and don't allow exposed feet to be seen unless he sits down.
Again, some work I need to do with his make-up. Men are not careful at details. He tends to use too much color, when in fact, being a woman means to be more soft. I apply him a faint lipstick and only a bit of make-up. Better now.
As we are done and prepare to go out, we hear the news:
Ladies and gentlemen, we have breaking news! A huge transport of contraband cigarettes has just been discovered inside a train passing from Land Of The Sea into Civilized World. Custom guard found a few cardboards full with cigarettes on top of a few wagons filled with coal. After a close examination, they discovered that beneath the coal there was much more, hidden in large metal boxes. Stay tuned for updates!
Well, these are foreign news, so they will be again in a few hours. We close the TV and get on the street.
People in the Land Of Ice are Christian and speak a language that is a bit related to the language Alia - Atan learned from his father. So, he can find his way around. But, to avoid problems, we speak my native language. I know this place and know nobody will answer.
"What do you think, Nicotiana?" he asks. "did we do what we were supposed to do?"
"Stromboli told us to put the packs there, so we did our mission", I say. "But the custom guards should have detected only what we put there. What are all those cigarettes doing, I don't know".
"Tons of cigarettes?"
"Well, this is how contraband goes", I say. People expect small cars with cigarettes or smugglers passing through border fences, but it never works like that. Small amounts of cargo are deliberately placed where guards will find them. The large chunk of staff is smuggled in inside trains, trunks or boats, with coal, grabble, cereals or inside concrete cubes. At least this is how drugs pass through, inside concrete bricks".
"I mean, that much?"
"Yes, what do you expect?" I answer laughing.
"I never imagined that much".
"Something else bothers me", I say, lighting a cigarette. "It was supposed there are no cigarettes inside that train. Did we put them on the wrong train?"
"If that is, we compromised everything".
I take another drag of smoke, as we move through the snow.
"If that is the case, Stromboli has the power to destroy our village. He will kill us", I say while blowing the smoke out.
"That is the worse possible", he whispers, while lighting a cigarette.
"But I think about something else", I say as I take some more smoke. "I never carried that brand of cigarettes. So, maybe there is something else".
"Are there other contrabandists like Stromboli?" he asks.
"Yes. Monte Carlo, San Marino, Torino, many of them", I answer. "Maybe they placed the cigarettes in that train, without knowing what Stromboli planned. But usually this never happens, everyone operates in a different land".
"But what if Stromboli wants to take someone out?" he says, taking another smoke from his cigarette.
I stop and look on the snowy road. Not many people around. A few cars go by. In the cold evening, someone screams in the distance. I notice a few shops and some blocks. A bus is stopped nearby. My blood freezes at his words. "You know what this is, Alia? It is war. If anyone finds out that Stromboli did it, they will be at war".
I inhale again the smoke, keep it in for a while and blow it down. I look at my shoes and his boots. What is going on?
"I think Stromboli wants to take out someone", says Alia, playing with one boot in the snow.
"Land Of Dictators. San Marino operates there, with the Communists. As I said, Stromboli works within the Nomads. You realize, Alia, that San Marino will get bankrupt if all those cigarettes were his. He can recover, no doubt, but the others will turn against anyone they suspect did the attack", I say as I throw the filter down and I step with my shoe on it.
"I never imagined to see the mafia with my own eyes. Nicotiana, I really am amazed how you survived here for this long".
"I hope Stromboli or San Marino will survive as long as I did", I answer, laughing.
We keep on walking, until we reach a park. There are a few benches around. In the center, there is a lake. But since now it is frozen, it is used by children as a rink. We take a sit and stay with a foot over the other. Now, since his skirt is lifted a bit, I can see his green pantyhose above his boots. I take my hand and gently touch that point.
"Alia is out in the town", I whisper.
He says nothing. Then, he takes his hand and touches my knee, feeling the fine texture.
"I wear two layers, you just one", I say, smiling.
"I think no transgender ever managed to go that far", he says. "We crossed so many borders and nobody knew. Everyone thought I am Abida".
"I didn't plan to go like that, but we had no other way", I say.
"This, I never ever expected to happen. To be a woman. And everyone in this city think I am a woman. Nobody has the barest notion of what is going on".
"Well, except for your voice. This is the only thing I don't know how to solve".
"And now, people think we are just two women sitting on a bench and relaxing".
"There is something else", I say.
"What, Nicotiana?"
"Well, most guys make me angry. I am not a lesbian. But, I got that hate for all men with too much testosterone. Not for you. I mean, you are half man, half woman. I never were into women and not much into men. Well, you know I am a sfenist. But you, you are the first male creature that doesn't make me want to kill".
We stand and continue our trip through the city. I show him the University, where I spent some years of my life. And about 300 m away, there is that church still standing.
"You see that church?" I ask him.
"Yes, Nicotiana. That Orthodox cathedral?"
"Exactly. Soon after I got here, I seen it and enter. Inside, on the left side, there is a big icon. I went there, kneeled and start praying. I just felt the need to do that. Well, just at that time, the pope was keeping a speech. He was talking with anger against the heretics nearby. I didn't understand what was that about. At that time, I had no idea what a heretic is, only I knew it is something bad. So, I went out and looked. And you see, not far, there is an Adventist church. I looked at it and realized those must be the heretics. So, I entered, to see what is there".
As talking about this, we move closer to the churches.
"I entered, They had no icons, nothing, but long benches to sit on. I just kneeled somewhere. Well, their pastor was also saying ugly words about the Orthodox pope and his religion. I looked amazed at this. At some point I just couldn't support and went outside".
We move between the churches, while I step on the snow, exactly in the same spot I was a long time ago.
"There I were. Some people from the Orthodox cathedral noticed me and went after me, asking me why did I go to Satan's church. And immediately, some Adventists went out and started to argue with them. Oh mine, I just couldn't understand what is going on! Are they insane? So, I lighted a cigarette. Well, that was like a disaster. They started to prove me that tobacco is devil's grass. They just turned against me!"
"You were a lost sheep between two wolves!"
"I guess so. Well, I shouted to them: 'Leave me away! I am a Muslim!' and walked away. I didn't lie,as you know. But, they remained without words, as I moved away. I guess I will never understand how is possible for people of different religions to fight. And even more, people with the same religion. You can try to explain me as long as you wish, I will never understand how it is possible what I just encountered here. I mean, if gods are not fighting each other, why should we? And how people, serving the same god, be fighting one each other?"
We continue our way through the city. There are many areas I used to stay.
"You were not much into clubs and pubs at the university, were you?" he asks me.
"No, Alia. Usually, I tried to avoid them. I was more interested in learning, when I was not forced into contraband. Honestly, I never entered many of these clubs. You?"
"No. I was focused on learning. And because there was too much noise where we slept, I was always trying to go into parks to read and learn. When it was cold, I used to go to the subway and travel on all lines. I told you I were a book grinder".
"Had you many friends?"
"Nicotiana, to be honest, only a few, rare. I was in good ties with all fellows and all roomies, but only that. I've never been to parties or to hangout. All I knew was school, learning and in weekends back home".
"A real sfenist!" I say.
"Well, now I realize this. But at that time, I just asked no questions".
"I only stopped at two places, to eat. This is because they have good food, with much cheese and no meat in it. Well, I didn't want to enter, but I really want some heat. It is a cold night".
We enter. Well, many things have changed here. This place had glass tables before, but now it is more decorated. The products are exposed for sale. We take them. Some sort of cookies, with cheese and with chocolate. A good fast snack. We go to the table and eat, then light a cigarette.
"I remember that once I was reading my school notes, with my feet on the table. And also smoking. Well, something like this!"
And I put my feet on the table, like in the old times. All I need is a good book.
"Put your feet up, too!" I invite him.
And he puts his boots up. He starts playing with the zipper, partially opening one boot and exposing the pantyhose, while with the other hand is holding the cigarette. I know the employees will not say anything. After all, I've done it over and over.
"Feel much better then in school library", I say, laughing. "At least here you can smoke. There, you have to go out".
"I used to avoid the library because it was too quiet and many times I fallen asleep. And it was not opened long enough", he says. "But you are right, a good book should fit well here".
I take another inhale and slowly let the smoke out from my mouth. Just like in those YouTube smoking fetish scenes. Then, I take two drags at one and let some smoke out through my nose and then through the mouth, remembering the old days. Many times, these cookies were all my food, but smokes were more important.
Suddenly, two guys appear and go to our table. I instantly take my feet down. Alia does not move yet. I realize what will happen.
"Hi, girls!" says one of them. I am Vladimir and he is Alexei", he says.
"We have some money and wonder if we could spend it here. I see you are the hottest ladies in the city!"
"How about a couple of drinks? What shall it be? Red wine or vodka?"
Alexei puts a hand on Alia's boots and start massage his foot. He is trying to pull the boot off. I see the disgrace in his eyes. In the same time, Vladimir comes closer to me and looks into my eyes:
"What are you doing this evening, princess?"
"Leave us alone, infidels!" I say short.
"Woo!" says Vladimir, getting closer to me and starting to touch my feet below the table. "What's your name, babe?"
"Nicotiana", I say.
"Princess Nicotiana, then", he says, taking a pack of cigarette out from his jacket.
"Leave us alone", says Alia.
"What happened to your voice?" says Alexei, continuing to get closer to Alia.
"Underage smoking", I say for him.
"Just keep distance, guys", says Alia. "We don't want any trouble".
"Neither do us".
Vladimir gets closer to me. One hand is working with my thighs, the other one is trying to make its way to my shoulder.
"Stop it right now!" I say.
"Are you afraid, princess Nicotiana? Are you going to throw smoke and fire over me?" he says.
"Just leave us alone", tries Alia to stop them.
Oh no! I feel just like slimy worms are getting out of his hands. Just like he is made of rotten, infected flesh. I know how this will end. And I look at Alia how he is starting to hyperventilate. He looks like going to throw-up. Desperate and hopeless. Then, Vladimir moves his hand from my shoulders to above my breasts. I feel his breath, a smell of alcohol and food.
The next second, I start beating him with my purse.
"Keep your hands off me, infidel!" I scream so loud that I think people could hear even from outside.
Then, the next second, I grab a metal plate from another table and smash it in Vladimir's head. There was a cup of coffee with a few other staff on the plate, that now are spread on his clothes. He screams, as the coffee was hot. I hit Alexei too. Immediately, I jump and start beating both with the plate and with my feet. I hit Vladimir hard in his genitals, so he falls down and screams of pain.
"Die, infidel! Just die!" I scream to him, while people from the room start to come around us.
Alexei starts to pull his friend away from my attacks, when I hit him again. I grab his hair and pull so hard that when my hands are away from his head, there is hair between my fingers.
"Leave us alone, you crazy bitch!" cries one of them.
They try to stand and move out, but I manage to hit one of them again with the plate. This time, with all my force. A powerful metal sound. Then, I take the glass plate we were eating on and smash into the other's head. It breaks apart, while both of them go out.
"Don't you ever dare to touch us again!" I scream.
"I'll kill you, bitch!" shouts one of them.
"You should be castrated!" are my last words.
Again! Like always. It all happened so fast, that I didn't even have time to react. It was like my body did all this, not me. I hear my heart pumping blood like crazy, my lungs desperate for air, some sweat on my back and the adrenaline in my head. Then, I see Alia, looking half scared, half amazed.
"Why didn't you help out?"
"I never beat any other human", he says.
The seller comes here. She is for sure a student, with a part-time job. She looks at us:
"Are you ok?"
"Yes, I answer. Too bad that infidel got out alive".
"Well, you've done some damage to my shop. I need to do something with it".
"I will pay for everything", says Alia. "Nicotiana, thank you for saving me out of this".
I laugh. We get out of here.
"It is always like I am the man and you the woman", I say.
"Now I know what happens to guys that mess with you", he answers.
"They get what they deserve", I answer. But next time, it should be time you show some help".
We go back along the street, to another park, where we stop a bit. I light another cigarette.
"Alia, listen", I say. "It might hurt you, but your parents did the worst things to you. The way you act is not good and might get you killed. You tend to do what you are told. You are too dominated. They must have strong personalities and you had no room to grow".
"I am by far not as strong as you are".
"False! I scream loud, that people turn their heads towards us. "See how we crossed all these borders? See that now you are a woman? You have the strength to rebuild your life, but not the will to do it. And all is because you are thinking in the wrong direction. I see you have an ambition. I've seen how hard it was to make you start smoking. But now, it is time to take things into a different way".
"I am a nobody, compared to you".
"Do you think I was better or smarter? But I was alone, here in this city. I had to fight. Well, the solution is never to go forward. In life, you have to turn left and right over and over. Think at how a snake moves. Sort of that. You see two classic solutions: fight or hide, even if I say you prefer to hide. Now, the truth is different. None is the option".
"What is your point?"
"Look at this: You are stocked in a room. On left, there is a door that leads into a hole. At right, there is another door that leads into a deeper hole. What do you do?" I ask him, taking the last amount of nicotine from a cigarette.
"I go to the larger hole", he says.
"And you would expect me to say that is not the solution. But also not the small hole is a solution. The answer is that you must break the walls and find your own way. People think there are two main sexual orientations: classic and gay, heterosexual and homosexual. Well, none fits for us. We are sfenists. We have to break the walls, even if the whole world will think that we are crazy, to find our ways. When you have to chose between two options, the third is the best. But if you play dead and not chose anything, you take the worst possible."
"I will need time to", he says.
"You will not understand these words now, as I didn't at my time. But there will be a time when you will".
We continue our way back to the cheap motel. There, our staff waits us.
Well, we don't have too much time left. We talk with room service that we want them to watch some of our luggage while we will be gone. They put it down inside a closet. I know, some staff cannot be transported into the civilized world. It is now time for Alia to become Atan. But still, he will have something hidden: the green pantyhose.
From this point further, we cannot use regional passports. We need to use international ones. And he no longer can stand as Alia or Atan, just as I cannot be Nicotiana. Not to mention that bribery can no longer help this far. Also, my handmade cigarettes cannot go pass. From this point, we will need to buy them.
It is night, it's dark and cold. We take a taxi directly to the airport. We now only have a small luggage, what you can take in your hands and nothing more.
We buy cigarettes and smoke for the last time before entering the plane. From this point, I enter a world that I have never visited. Beyond that airplane, I have no plan and no idea what will happen, only that we have limited time. Well, Alia - Atan seems more nervous then me.
We will see.
If you ask a bee, it will show you all the flowers and the beauties in the garden. If you ask a fly, it will show you all the garbage and the excrements. A bee cannot see dirtiness, just as a fly cannot see the beauties.
How To Open Your Eyes
For the first time in my life, I arrive in the Civilized World. Well, not quite in the center of it, but in a border province, not too far from the world where I live in. Alia - Atan is now dressed as a male, except for his hidden pantyhose and the fact that he now has green hair. I kept the same green clothes, which are in fact his gift to me. He gives me a fast, crash-course about how to move around:
"In here, you cannot attack anyone. You cannot smoke in public transport and it is not polite to interfere with other people. Watch your purse and your pockets. Thieves are everywhere. Police has a strong authority, don't bother with them. And watch out, there are far more cars".
We get out of the airplane. It is dark outside. I follow him automatically. I really know nothing about this place, other then what is on the map. People speak a language that I cannot understand. But what first shocks me is the way they move. They are like robots. In the first minutes, I get hit by many people. It is hard for me to follow him.
But there is another thing that I notice. I cannot hear my shadow. So strange! My shadow must have remained in the Land Of Ice. I feel quite alone, trying to follow this man in this crowded place.
As we reach outside, I notice a guy tries to fast pick-up what is in my pockets.
We get out of the airplane. A lot of taxis are waiting out. They are different: all are yellow. Also the people is different. Women seem to wear trousers and far less times I see them wearing skirts. And almost all women wear boots. Well, I never found my feet comfortable with that. I always wear shoes. And there is almost no snow.
We get in the street, where I light a cigarette. Oh, this place is overcrowded. The street is so busy! So many cars are moving! It is a boulevard with four sides in each direction, but even if it that large, cars don't have enough room. They are more sitting then moving. And again, there are too many people. I just keep following Alia - Atan, without having any idea where.
We reach a bus station. He goes fast and takes two tickets. When we get in, I notice this bus is better then a luxury train. It is all new, with no graffiti on the walls. But it is full! So crowded! I hardly manage to get inside. And once I am in, I feel like inside a sandwich. People is pushing me from all directions. The car accelerates and turns left-right, breaks and accelerates again. It makes me fall to other people. What a madness!
"Where is all this people heading to?" I ask him in my native language.
"I don't know. To work, to home, they know", he answers.
It feels like a nightmare going on. From time to time, when I can, I look out through the windows, to see this place. It looks like a big city. There is light anywhere: along the streets, on the buildings and also a lot of light from passing cars. Yes. Cars are everywhere. And their huge number seems to block everything around. They are blocked by their own huge number. And I feel like a meteorite falling into a black hole.
"Why didn't we take a taxi?" I ask.
"Because those guys would tax us even 100 times more then a bus ticket", he answers.
"Because they found nobody to twist their necks", I answer.
"Here, you don't have the right to attack other people".
"This place sucks", I answer. "I need a cigarette and fast".
But I cannot smoke here. I think I will explode!
"At least here people don't shut one each other like in the Land Of Dictators", says Alia - Atan.
"Ah, you remember that incident", I say. "Well, be sure that guy got punished. People there have a sense of self-justice. If the same people were here, they would have forced someone to have more busses running then this madness".
"Well, I have to confess you something", he says. "That gunfire in the Land Of Dictators made me feel relaxed. The fact that it draw attention, maybe this saved us. Immediately the train started to move".
"Well, people die all the time", I answer him.
After a whole hour, we get down from this bus. Oh mine! I feel like a piece of extruded meat going to become salami. I instantly light a cigarette. But even cigarettes don't have the same smell. They are original and full of chemicals. What are people here smoking? It makes me cough. My lungs want back their natural, handmade tobacco. Well, I am sorry, there is not much I can give you.
We cross a few streets. There are so many cars passing by, that I almost lose my sense. I grab Atan by hand. It is all confusing now. Again, people start hitting me. What is wrong with them? They look like robots: getting out of these crowded busses and walking on these roads that are so crowded. It is like the population of a whole land is squeezed inside a single city.
We get to something different now. We are on a street. Again, it is full with cars and passing people. On one side, there are blocks. On the other, there is a metal fence and beyond it, there is a yard, full with other people and some strange type of cars. They are smaller then a bus, but bigger then a car. This yard is full with garbage and squeezed dirty snow. People are moving rather chaotically around. They also seem to carry plastic cups with coffee or tea. How much coffee are them drinking! And there are far less smokers. We get to one of these vehicles and Atan pays. We get inside. Now I get it, this is a minibus. So small! Well, I finish my cigarette and get inside. I manage to get to the window and he sits near me.
How fast this car gets filled with people? A few minutes. And people keep getting in and getting in and getting in... So good that I at least have a place to sit. I think there are 3 times more people in then the total number of seats. It is overcrowded, the air is not breathable, the window is covered with moisture and all around there is a horrible smell of mixed perfume. It is getting hot and I am getting to explode. Where is the civilization I thought I would find?
Then, the driver starts the car. Like this was not enough, he turns the music on. The car starts moving. It makes a few left-right turns, breaks, accelerates, breaks, accelerates... each time, almost twisting my brain.
I watch the streets. So crowded again! Cars seem to more stay then drive. And this goes on and on. But finally, after almost an hour, we are out of the city. Well, not quite as I would expect. There still are many cars, even outside. People travel in all directions. I watch the window. So many cars come from the opposite way, by the hundreds. They just keep on coming! And this minibus stops from place to place. People go down, people go up. What a nightmare should be for those who have no seat. Each time someone goes down, I see a few, those close to the door, going down too, to make room.
But there is something else. People seem not to speak one to each other. They are silent. Not even a single word! Oh mine! In our trains, stranger talk to stranger!
Dawn is approaching. The sky gets dark blue. Sunrise will be soon. I can finally see something around, at least the horizon. It looks like we are in a plain, with some distant hills. Just hope this madness will end soon! Well, there are settlements on the way. I don't know what they are: villages or towns. They look rich, with huge houses compared to ours. Every house is encircled by a fence or even a wall. And again, there is people all around.
We reach a town, the end of the line. I jump out, exhausted. What a nightmare this trip! But this town doesn't seem much different. Even if the streets seem smaller, it is still full of cars and people.
Well, here we get two tickets and get into a bus, to travel across the town. Again, it is crowded, but I might say not like the previous one. Since it is day, I see the streets and the buildings. There are many big, old buildings to see. What also catches the eye, is that there is a lot of light. The whole town is decorated with many lights. There are many things I don't understand what they are. I want to ask Atan about, when suddenly people start crumbling.
"Gipsy people!" he says fast. "Watch your pockets and the purse!"
Immediately, he pushes me to the doors. Then, I see some fat women in long skirts. They keep pushing everyone like crazy. Some people protest. I think they are between 5 and 10. They just push everyone and even scream to the passengers.
"They are heading to your purse!" says Atan.
I put my purse under the coat, watching everything. The next second, I realize there is a hand trying to get to one of my pockets. What to do? There is no space to move. Those over-fat women keep on pushing everyone, squeezing and squeezing us. Some small children move between our feet. What are they up to? I just keep my purse with all the power, but someone tries to push it. Not knowing what to do, I hardly push the purse up, above my head.
Suddenly, the pressure decreases. The bus stops in a station and all the fat women, with their children, move out. I look at my purse. It is partially cut beneath, but they did not manage to get much out of it. My lipstick and a lighter are missing, together with some coins.
A woman starts crying and saying something.
"What happened?" I ask Atan.
"What do you think? Those Gipsy people got her money, her regional passport, her house and car keys, her driving license... That happened".
"And everyone is just watching and not doing anything?" I ask, shocked.
"Gipsy people are a minority and they are protected. If you dare to do something to them, police will turn against you, for discrimination. There is nothing you can do".
"This is insane!"
"Well, only a fraction of the Gipsy population do this, the rest is working and even hard. But this is the way things go around. You are not allowed to defend yourself, but they are protected. The same applies to all minorities, including sexual minorities".
I take some money and try to give to that woman.
"Here! I want to help you", I say in 4 or 5 languages. She does not take it.
"Damn it, Atan! Translate her!" I say.
He translates, the woman answers something and doesn't take the money.
"She says thank you, but she cannot take your money", he says.
"Why?"
"Because here people don't accept gifts from strangers".
What a strange place! Back in the mountains, there are people who voluntarily go in trains and serve passengers with food, hot tea and cigarettes. And if a stranger is attacked, people always fight back. Here, it looks like everyone for itself.
We get out of the bus. Here is another minibus station, but this time it is just on the street. We get something to eat from a small shop. I notice that just behind, there is a railway station.
"Why don't we take the train?" I ask.
"Because trains are very rare. There are only two a day".
"Still better then this nightmare!" I say.
"Nobody takes the train in here. People rush with their cars or with a minibus. It is all about time. Trains travel empty".
"But why such a hurry? It seems everyone is in a hurry here".
"To go to work, to go back home, to go shopping, to go to a date", he answers. "This is how life is here".
Well, we eat something and smoke. We stay for maybe an hour. What a strange place is this station! You have no bench, no seat, no nothing. We stand in cold and wind. Good that it is not snowing. People are crowding already. And on the road, cars are everywhere.
Finally, a minibus arrives. We enter. But this time, we hardly manage to get in. No empty seat! We have to travel like this.
The car immediately gets on the road. I can see nothing but the many people surrounding me. All I can hear is the engine, combined with a strange music playing on. All I can smell is a horrible mixture of perfume combined maybe with some sweat. All I can taste is these people's breath. And all I can feel is how people push into me each time the car accelerates, breaks or turns left or right. This is madness! Real madness! And all this keeps on going maybe for an hour.
Finally, we get down. We are in a village, with huge homes surrounded by large fences. In the distance, I hear something like a train. And I manage to see it. It is a small vehicle, a bit larger then a minibus. That is the train? And even more shocking is that I see no passengers. It is empty!
We light a cigarette and walk along the road, that still is filled with cars. We look for a way to get across. And then, as we finish our cigarettes, we reach a house. There, we get in.
Now, there is another difference. Here, the fence door is locked. In the Land Of Mountains, we never lock any door. Then we enter a yard, with four dogs. They are incredibly fat! Each one is tied by a chain. I've never seen so fat dogs before! Everything shows so much luxury! The yard is paved, the house is huge and there are also other buildings around.
"My parents know English, so you can speak to them this way", he says as he takes a key and opens the front door.
We enter a huge room. There is a lot of furniture everywhere. I hear some music (probably a distant TV) and feel the heat. Then, I hear someone speaking. Now, that is something I never seen. How can you lock the door when you are in your house?
Two people emerge. They seem to be around 50. I carefully look into their eyes. They seem so much different.
Atan makes the presentation, They are his parents. But when he talks about me, he says:
"She is Nicotiana, my future wife".
Well, isn't that too much? Now, as he played my game, I should play his.
"Nice to meet you", they say. Then, they kiss my chicks. Interesting.
Immediately, they take us into a large room. My eyes keep on twisting around the extreme luxury of this place. What a large room! I And all that furniture! And what a huge TV! And not only. There are a lot of things in here that I don't know what they are. They return in a few minutes with food.
It all comes with general questions, like: where are you from, what do you work, how is life there, for how long are you together, things like this. I also compline about the horrible minibus trip to here, but his parents seem to find it natural.
I look at the food. Such expensive plates! And the food contains a lot of meat. I just look and get shocked about the huge waste. They also bring some wine, saying that they made it themselves. But I say that I never drink alcohol. After all this eating, I feel like two pigs are inside me. Oh mine! And they also bring cookies!
I take a cigarette and prepare to light it. Then, his mother stops me in an instant.
"You smoke?"
"Yes, I do".
"Please, stop this. It will kill you".
"No, it won't. That thing in the glass is going to kill you, not this", I say, pointing a glass of wine.
"Maybe she can go out and have a smoke", says Atan.
"You can smoke in the kitchen", says his mom.
So, Atan is trying to hide from his parents that he smokes? I grab his hand and take him by force to the kitchen. There, I light a cigarette and also give him one.
"What?" screams his mother. "How could you?"
"I learned him", I say.
His dad comes, when he hears the scream. He looks shocked.
"What have you done, son! I don't believe it! This thing will kill you!"
"I learned him", I answer again.
"No way! Only delinquents smoke!"
"I am an adult, now I am in charge of my own life", he says.
"You also made his hair green, like yours", his mom continues. "What have you done to our child?"
"Did I do anything wrong?" I ask. "I don't think so".
"You will stop smoking now, or I will order you to stop going back to that mine", his dad says.
Atan looks at us all. While his parents look really scared, he takes another drag from his cigarette and says:
"For so long you've decided my life. Now, I won't listen to you. If you don't want me the way I am, I go now. And the same is for she. Don't even dare to judge her. She saved my life... but also, almost killed me".
He takes my hand, while his parents look really scared. What a strange thing! We just errived and everything is going into a fight!
"You never were so rude to us!" his dad says. Just let that girl go and I will get you back to your previous job", his dad says.
"Listen and understand!" says Atan. "I am going nowhere with you. I finally have my life, my house, even my family. If you only judge her because she smokes, it is your problem. Not mine".
"How dare you talk to us like that!" screams his mother.
I look and don't believe my eyes. I just lighted a cigarette and the whole world is about to explode.
"Stop!" I shout to them. "If you don't want me here, it is ok, I will head back. But if you don't like him, you don't have the right to decide. Let him decide what he wants to do".
"How dare you?" his mom says, looking with anger at me. "He is my son. And he will do what I want, not what you want, green bitch!"
"I am going back to the mountains. Atan, do you come with me?"
I say this and start going out.
"I am going back with you", he says.
"Atan!" says his mother. "Atan! Do you hear that name? She gave him a new name! How on Earth is that possible?"
He comes with me and we are heading to the front door. But, the next second, his dad grabs him back. I stop and turn back.
"I thought we are the savages", I say, lighting another cigarette. "I thought this is the civilized world".
"My parents will never accept this", he says. "But be sure, mom and dad, that once I get out of your hands, I will get back to the Land Of Mountains".
Then, his mother goes directly to me and hit my face hard. I look at her, not knowing what to do. She looks at me and starts crying.
"You, bitch! You destroyed our loved child! Look what he has become! Smoking and with green hair... Oh, dear God! Why did this happen to us? What sins did we do to suffer this much?"
She is crying in front of me and I really don't understand what is going on.
"I will not let you go back", says his dad.
"I don't need your permission", says Atan. I will go. It is my life and my future there".
"Just shut up!" says his mother, crying. "Shut up! Shut up! And do what your father tells you", she cries and falls down to a corner.
Her face is now red and she is crying. What to do? I look around and find a clean towel and a glass of water. I take the towel and clean her face, then moist it a bit in water and wash her. Then, with another dry end of that towel, I clean her face. I give her another glass of water, to drink. And I help her stand up.
"My parents accepted him without any questions", I say.
"What kind of people are them?" asks his father.
"Farmers. Peasants. They have cows, a horse. They cultivate tobacco and then we make handmade cigarettes and sell them".
"And you self-sustain with this?" asks his dad.
"Yes. Well, I also work at the railway station".
"Maybe you are not savages, after all", says his dad. "Well, stay with us this day, but tomorrow you will go back. And he will stay with us".
"I am not staying here", says Atan. "The moment she leaves, I will go with her".
"Son", says his dad. "How dare you? Do you realize what people will say when they see you married a savage woman? Do you realize what that will be for the prestige of our family? You need to get a woman with a similar wealth and with a similar school training".
"She has her own house and she graduated an university", says Atan. "Isn't that enough? Only that she is from somewhere else".
"Why doesn't she come to us?" says his dad again. "That will be an increased privilege for her, to be in the civilized world".
"What civilization is this?" I ask. "Yes, you are far richer then we are, but in rest, you have nothing. You are empty holes. I never imagined to see this. You have destroyed and you are destroying your child. My parents would never do to me such a thing".
"Your parents probably don't love you", says his mother.
"My parents never beaten me in their life. Ever. But you did".
"We never beaten our son, too", says his father.
"But you did", I answer to him. "Not with your hands or a stick, but with your words. With your authority. Your child ran to the end of the world from you!"
"Is that true?" asks his dad.
"Yes", answers Atan.
His parents look surprised.
"This is the respect you give to us, the parents who gave you life?" says his mom surprised.
"I love you and I will always love you", says Atan. "But this is my life. And now I do it the way I want. And if you don't like me the way I am, we will go right now".
"How dare you define my orders?" says his dad with a lot of anger. "Get in the house right now!" he screams as loud as he can. "And you, bitch, get the fuck out of my property!"
His mother comes to me and starts beating me. I don't fight back, thinking about what to do.
Two seconds later, Atan grabs me and we get out of the house. We go directly into the road. Cars start beeping at us. Atan takes my hand and we run. We hear his parents screaming in the distance. We run, along the road. Then, we enter a small bar. There, he says hello to the seller.
"Adrian, I fast need your phone. I need to call a taxi!" he says.
"Ok, right now", he says, taking his cell phone. "Who is she?"
"She is my wife", answers Atan.
"Where are you going?" says Adrian.
"To town".
"Go with Daniel, he is heading to the town too. He just stepped by for a bottle of cola".
I didn't understand anything of what they said, only that the next second we enter a car and heat the road. I have no idea what is going on. Atan is in the front with the driver. They speak in their local language, which I don't understand at all. A few minutes of tension, until we reach a town.
There, we go down and take a taxi. Again, I have no idea what Atan is talking with the driver. We keep on going until we reach a train station. Atan jumps down from the taxi, while I wait inside. The driver asks me something, but I answer in English:
"I am not from here, I don't understand your language".
Then, Atan comes, takes me out and talks something with the driver. The driver takes a large cell phone and they work something on. I don't know what. Finally, Atan takes my hand and we move to what appears to be a railway station.
"We are safe", he says. "We have a train in an hour or so, back to the capital. From there, we have one last airplane in this evening. We're going home".
The railway station is almost empty. Only a few people can be seen. Compared with the madness on the roads, railways here seem so strangely unused. And also the train is a small one, with an engine and two wagons. We are the only passengers!
"I've never seen parents with so much authority", I say.
"Well, this is a tradition, that parents decide for their children. In past, all marriages were dictated by parents. For the boys, there was a little freedom, but girls, in many places, were simply both by boy's family".
"That would never happen in the mountains", I say with anger.
"My parents love me, but they draw straight lines. They never accept any deviation from those lines".
"So, no matter if you are happy or not, you must do as they want".
"Yes", he says. "But don't get it wrong. They act like this because they think this will help me. Ironically, they love me a lot and it is their strong love that makes them act like this".
Then I see a tear in his eyes.
"It hurts me to do this. They are my parents after all and I know they love me. But I have to leave them behind".
I hold his hand and gently massage it.
"Your parents love you", I say. "I've seen it in their eyes. It is only that they think they are doing the right thing".
"Many friends said that I would need to talk with my parents and explain them that I need my own vital space", he says.
"That will solve nothing", I say. "They will never listen to you. Honestly, you did the best decision and I am proud of you today. If you stayed, you would have ruined the little you've built of your new life. If you tried to argue with them, they would only suffer more", I say as I gently move my hand to his back. "What do you think they will do?"
"Nothing. They will cut-off any connection with me. They will go to the church and pray over and over, to get you away from me and me back home. But this will last a few years. In the end, they will try to contact me back and we will make peace. I've seen this over and over. This also happened with them and their own parents".
We go to our destination, to the capital. The journey took about twice more time by train then it would take by minibus, but we were no longer in an overcrowded space. Atan takes me to a park. We find an empty bench and not far from here is a small shop selling something like doughnuts. It also has a small TV set. We sit there and eat something. The, we have a smoke.
"I am very sorry for my parents", h says. "No matter what appears to you, they love me".
"You know, when I went to the University, my parents were strongly against this. But I decided on my own. They suffered a bit, but everything worked just fine".
"I am sorry that they beat you", he says again.
"Don't worry! At that moment, I was just thinking what to do".
Then, he tells me to keep silence, as on that TV, the news go on. We move closer to the shop and he translates me;
Shocking news regarding the train with cigarettes. The corruption department says that for the moment, it looks like a lot of officials were implied in this. It appears that bribery was so common, that clients just came with money in their hands, as they took the packs of cigarettes.
They say that two directors from the customs have been arrested, while another one gave his demission today morning. they also say that nobody ever imagined so many cigarettes can cross the border. They were not only for this land, but also going further away.
The investigation turns out to be on an international scale, as this transport was not only for us. The train was supposed to detach some wagons at a thermal plant, then continue its way into the Civilized World.
"False! It was only for you, but you really don't know how much people smoke!", I whisper.
As the investigation shows that the train was coming from Land Of Dictators, we start to ask ourselves what is going on there. Satellite images show large areas cultivated with tobacco, also possible manufacturing facilities. Nobody has ever imagined that contraband has grown to this size.
So far, nothing about Stromboli! Might he be ok?
Experts say that, once the train has been discovered, cigarette mafia lost a huge amount of income. Traffickers need to pay their men and to keep the business going on. Their godfathers will risk bankruptcy. If this becomes true, we will see violence in the Land Of Dictators.
Now, finally, I understand what was Stromboli up to. He wanted to destroy his competitors.
We stay for a few hours around, but honestly I don't like. I just want to be out. I want to be back to my mountains. I see how much suffering is in Atan's eyes. I also know how much his parents suffer. But why all this? I will never be able to understand how people think in here.
It was such a bad, such a horrible day, like I never had in years. And it is the suffering that pushed everything beyond my limits. It was harder then the entire trip, herder then the moment when his mother started to hit me. I cannot close my eyes, because, when I do this, I see his parents, how they suffered for their child. At that time, I wanted to be safe. Now, their eyes are ripping myself apart. And his eyes too. He sure loves his parents, as they love him.
At some point, I see a cathedral. It looks somehow similar to that cathedral in the Land Of Ice. I need to get inside. We both get and we kneel together at one of the large icons. I start crying. My eyes close and I see his parents crying, in front of an icon too. What should I do? I cry and he starts to put his hands on my shoulders. But no matter what he does, I keep on crying for a few minutes.
Then, I stand up and see. It is an Orthodox church. In front, two popes in golden clothes are speaking, accompanied by a chorus. I feel the need to stay and Atan stays with me. We stay all until the preying ends. Then, we wait in a line, to kiss the icons in front, as one of the popes touches our faces with something like a transparent lipstick, with an incredible perfume.
I feel much better now, much lighter and ready to keep on going. Outside, it is dark. It is getting late. We go to the airport and we have to stay the whole night waiting. In the morning, our plane will take us back to the Land Of Ice. So good that we move out of this strange place.
This chapter is dedicated to a 60 years old female doctor psychologist, who revealed me that I am a sfenist, around 2003. She opened my eyes and helped me rebuild my life in a new way. And not only me. Many people were helped by her over time. She died around 2016. May peace be upon her soul.
The author
The airplane arrives in Land Of Ice, early in morning, at dawn. In the civilized world, it's the day of Christmas. However, the Eastern Orthodox Christmas will be many days after now. We head back to the cheap motel and pick-up back our luggage. Now, Atan becomes again Alia. We looks almost the same. We both have green hair (even if his is shorter). We have a green winter coat, a green sweater and a green skirt. The only difference is at our feet. I have black tights and above them a second layer of green pantyhose, with green shoes. Alia has boots and green pantyhose. Anyone who will spot us will say that we are two girls and not what we really are.
"I am very sorry I've got you into this", says Alia - Atan. "I regret what my parents did to you".
"Well, if we have an extra free day", I say, "why not spend it here in the city?"
Well, we go to a small place near the University, where we eat something. Then, we make a break for smoking. Then, I come with an idea. We go to a distant part of the city, a quiet residential area. It is a street with concrete blocks of apartments. Everything looks just as it did in the old times. There, in one of those blocks, lives the person that made me realize I am a sfenist. I take him there. I am sure she will not be upset to see him, a man dressed as a woman. After all, I've seen even gay people visiting her. All come here for help. So, we get up to the 5th floor, where we ring at the door.
"Here lives the person that told me everything, that helped me recover my life. She is the only friend I have. Don't lie to her. Tell her everything", I say to him.
An old woman comes and opens the door. When she sees me, she immediately smiles:
"Nicotiana, what a pleasant surprise! And you've grown! And who is this one?"
"This one, is Alia or Atan, depending on how you want to call him", I answer. "He is my future husband, a transgender and also a sfenist".
"How happy I am to see that!" she says, with a big smile. "Come in, you too! I am so happy with you. Sfenist couples are extremely rare".
She invites us in her apartment. Almost nothing has changed around. Everything is as it was. She lives alone for a long time. She puts a big ashtray on the table.
"I know you are a convinced smoker", she says, laughing. "And I bet you are a smoker too, you have no idea how many people has she convinced to smoke. I hate alcohol. I had to divorce from my husband because he used to come drunk and beat me. My father ended in a mental institution because alcohol destroyed his brain. And my son is just a pathetic alcoholic, sleeping on the street. Smoking is much safer. But, Nicotiana, excess smoking is not good. I am approaching 70 and my body feels the effect of long term smoking. But still, smoking a cigarette with you is worth the consequences".
We start talking. First, I tell her about what happen these days: how I found Alia - Atan, how I made him smoke, how we shocked the whole village as he worn woman clothes and all that happen these days. Then, Atan tells her his personal life. Everything. She has the style to make you speak. She tries to be a friend and works with you from the inside.
<>.
Well, Alia, or Atan, as you want me to call you, I am the one that helped Nicotiana a long time ago. I recognize a sfenist from a big distance. And I am here to help you understand what you are. She must have told you by now that a sfenist is a psychological impotent, a person that has the capability to have sex, but is unable, because of a trauma. Sfenists never appear without a trauma. Yes, you might tell me about celibacy, as found in monasteries, but that is completely different. It is your own wish. Sfenists are always made against their own will. I have found many by now, majority of them being women. Male sfenists are more rare, but they do exist.
You both are sfenists because a violent incident, more exactly a rape. But there are many sfenists that became like you after something else. I know a 50 years old woman that became sfenist when her husband abandoned her. He realized that he is gay. I know a man that became sfenist after the death of his wife. And of course, there are many sfenists that became like you because their parents had a very powerful authority and truncated their personality. There are also other factors, all of them meaning something violent, a trauma that cannot be repaired ever.
Not everyone becomes a sfenist after a violent incident. I made a study on my own and found out that after a rape, more then half women return to a normal life and are able to support sexual relations. I found out that among those who don't recover, at least half become insane and a significant part become sexual addicted. Many cases of whores and prostitutes are in fact results of sexual abuse in early part of the life. The percent of women that became sfenists is small, but still notable.
If the victim immediately asks for a psychological treatment, it is possible to undo the damage and you might not become a sfenist. But, the recover will never be complete. In many cases, it is too late or it is impossible to do much. Here comes the catch. Since recovery is not always possible, many people will be able to have sex, but not as a pleasure. It will be a bit of pleasure, but there will also be suffering. Will there be more pleasure or more pain? Unfortunately, I have no answer to this.
Which people become sfenists? Many people recover without problems. I found out that majority of sfenists are lonely people, introverted, people with their own world. Also, people that trust others and who never ever experienced something violent in their life. Well, such people have a predisposition, but it is not a law. As far, I don't know exactly.
What is a sfenist? A sexual minority. And what is a sexual minority? Actually, an anomaly. Not a disease (even if some sexual minorities can be considered as diseases), but an anomaly. Now, what is an anomaly? People might say: 'an anomaly is something that is not normal'. In that case, you have to define what is normal and what not. The word 'normal' comes from the word 'norm' and all depends what you fix as norms. From a strict biological point of view, sex exists for a single reason: to reproduce. Animals have sex in order to breed. So, an anomaly can be defined any situation that prevents breeding from happening or any situation that sex occurs not for breeding. If we look at things like this, we see anomalies also at animals. How is that? Animals do masturbate and homosexual manifestations are well known. This is found more often at males and more rare at females. The answer is that males are always ready to mate, while females will only mate when they can get pregnant. For males, masturbation and homosexuality occurs when there is no female to mate. Also, as seen in cows and female pigs, that, when there is no male around, females will try to copulate with each other. But. all these manifestations disappear when classic sex is possible.
In case of humans, everything is far more different. You can say that humans are the most pervert species of all. Humans have sex almost only for pleasure and rarely to breed. Even more, we see a lot of unusual practices connected to sexual life. Masturbation occurs at almost everyone and in most cases continue the whole life. And we also see chastity in humans, which is impossible for animals. So, if we talk about humans, we see many sexual behaviors.
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1. So, let's classify sexual orientations:
In a classical point of view, adults able to breed are divided in heterosexuals (the vast majority), homosexuals (roughly 2.5% of population), with bisexuals (a group between them). But there also are asexuals, which compose of maybe up to 10% (but only 1% declare themselves so). Now, children and aged persons also fit as asexuals, so the number is much higher.
There are also other categories, much more rare: people that are in love with animals (zoophiles), people in love with objects (trees, statues and many others, known as panophiles) or people in love with love and not a real creature (known as eterophiles). In recent years, virtual sex has increased, as people got in love with computer avatars, virtual characters, drawings, hentai characters and other staff (virtualophiles). So, now you see how complex everything actually is. And even more, there are people belonging to multiple categories, like bisexuals.
Ok. Where do we put sfenists in these categories? Yes, sfenists fit well among the asexuals, but I also have meet homosexual sfenists and virtualophiles among sfenists. How do you classify that? Well, trying to do so, everything becomes even more complicated. Sexual orientation exists among the asexuals. Majority are heterosexuals, but not only. So, only a tiny part of the asexuals really are asexuals, the rest of them show some degree of sexual orientation.
2. Let's talk about sexual stability:
Now, once we classified sexual orientations, we need to classify sexual stability (how often you change partners). It is also very complex. Here, we see from people who have a sexual orientation but never have sex or even don't masturbate (like those who live in chastity), to those who go to sexual abuse (like those who practice rape). Based on sexual behavior, we see different minorities. Swingers are an example. They form couples, but from time to time, they 'swing', or change partners for a short period of time. We see that majority form couples (be them heterosexual or homosexual), but polygamy (a man with more women) or polyandry (a woman with more men) also exist. The most interesting thing is if you go to Tibet. There, it is common and natural for a man to have more women or a woman to have more men. Jealousy doesn't exist in Tibet. They solved all in an interesting way: When a woman dates more men, if one man is at her home, he drops his shoes at the door, so other men will not enter.
Where do sfenists fit in this? Well, majority of them live a lonely life. There are a few that have sex to make their partners happy, but also, rare sfenist couples. From what I've seen, sfenist couples are extremely stable. I've never seen a sfenist to cheat its partner, ever.
3. The third thing is sexual behavior.
Here, we have many interesting things. In many cases, people just have sex and that's it. But here we see a lot of minorities. Fetishists are attracted by something. In your case, Alia - Atan, that thing is pantyhose fetish, which is a subcategory of foot fetish, which is very common. There are many kinds of fetishes. There are even more rare sexual minorities, like vampires. They use blades, to make their partner lose a few drops of blood, before having sex. Other unusual minorities are attracted by excrements or flowers or... whatever you might imagine.
The BDSM people are considered a sexual minority. They can be heterosexual, homosexual or belong to any sexual orientation. They like to restrain their partners with bondage tape, ropes and even torture them.
Where do sfenists fit in this classification? At level 1. They would never hurt or force their partners.
4. Sexual identity.
We like to take things straight: a person is a man or a woman. Well, there are many degrees of freedom between these two and that's when you become a transgender. It starts with little imagination (dreaming like what if I were a girl when I am a boy). A second stage means playing with a character of an opposite gender (for example if you are a woman, choosing a male character in computer games, writing a novel with male characters, drawing mostly men). A third level appears when you start in secret to wear clothes or make-up of the opposite gender. The 4th level appears when you become a cross-dresser on the street. The 5-th level is different: when you identify yourself as having the opposite sex. Level 6 comes to the use of hormones and limited surgery, while level 7 comes with surgery of your genitals and you become the opposite gender.
Well, here we have a few interesting things to note. The term 'transgender' is most used in North America and Western Europe, where they exist and have a strong community. There are many distinct transgender minorities in the world, like the Hijra in India or the Fa'fine in Polynesia. They are linked to specific cultures.
Where do we put sfenists among sexual identities? Anywhere. They are found in any group.
Ok for now!
I have a questionnaire with seven questions, each one with seven answers. So, there are 49 positions. If you complete it, you get close to your real sexual identity.
I: What is your sexual orientation?
1 - asexual, 2 - heterosexual, 3 - homosexual, 4 - virtualophily, 5 - zoophily, 6 - panophily, 7 - eterophily
II: How stable are you in your relationships?
1 - a single person whole life, 7 - never with the same person
III: What is your sexual behavior?
1 - don't touch (platonic), 7 - extremely violent (rape)
IV: What is your sexual identity?
1 - natural (male/female), 7 - complete transformation to opposite sex
V: How frequent do you have sexual activities?
1 - never (not even masturbate), 7 - many times a day
VI: How much time of your life is dedicated to sex-related themes?
1 - zero, 7 - all time when I am awake
VII: How far are you from your ideal model?
1 - perfect, 7 - none.
For questions 2...7, you pick-up only one answer. For question 1, for each answer, you give a note between 1 and 7, where 1 means 'no' and 7 means 'yes'.
What is interesting about this test is that it helps the patient to discover who really is. The doctor does not give it a score. Please complete if for yourself and you will have a clear image of what you really are. You see, many people fit into a certain point for a question, but it really is amazing to see how diverse results are. On rare occasions you see two people giving identical answers.
Now, let's get more into sfenists. As one can see, they tend to have some certain scores among the table. At question 1, they tend to write answers 1 and 2, in a similar percentage with other people. At question 2, they write answer 1. At question 3, they write answer 1 or rarely 2. At question 4, they write answer 1 or 2, in the same percent with other people. At 5, they write 1 or 2. At 6, they tend to write 3, which is a bit lower then average. Finally, at question 7, they go directly to extremes, 1 or 7, while in average people go to middle values.
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How frequent are sfenists?
To answer this question, it is hard. The hardest part is that they are not recognized as a sexual minority, even if it is clear that they are. Sfenists are described in various Psychology books and studies, but usually associated with other terms. In most cases, they are described as people with a sexual disorder. One important disadvantage is that psychologists have different methods and different concepts in various parts of the world and this makes any research extremely difficult.
Because they are not recognized as a sexual minority, there is no worldwide research to see how many actually are. I tried on my own to find an answer. If you ask them the proper questions, you will find them. And I did find sfenists wherefer I could send the tests: in North and South America, in West and East Europe, in the Muslim World, Japan and in India. They are found worldwide, but not in the same percents.
As an average, I would say one person in 3000 is a sfenist. Still, this is not a rule. My results found they can be more often, up to one in 500 in certain areas, like at the border between Europe and Asia (and this is where the word 'sfenist' actually exist and is often used). It is clear that they do exist and nobody talks about them.
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How sfenists are, as people?
Sometimes, you don't realize you are a sfenist until you try to have sex. At that point, you realize something is going on. But in most cases, the wounds in your soul are so deep, that you struggle for years only to have a normal life.
From what I've learned is that sfenists behave a bit different. They seem to have personality problems, but not always. They sometimes tend to have another identity. They sometimes try to change their life, try to build a new 'you'. I found cases when they become more violent or they just stop and swallow anything you throw into them. It varies. But, if you do a close analyse, you see their personality is somehow altered.
What remains, usually for the whole life, is the fact that they tend to avoid certain things, places, kinds of people or objects. It all depends to what made them suffer. In many cases of sexual abuse, I found out some key points. For example, they don't allow you to touch them in certain areas (where they had a knife or a wound). They might not support the smell of sweat or to see people naked. In some rare cases, they tend to stay inside and avoid people around them.
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You two must realize that the chance for two sfenists to meet and form a couple is extremely rare. As only one in 3000 is sfenist, the chance to see such a couple is:
3000 X 3000 = 9000000 or one in nine million.
In my whole life, I've seen only two sfenist families. You are the third. And it is your only chance. Your new life is born from pain and nobody else can answer this but yourselves.
A sfenist couple is very difficult to form. It needs time and you must look at things in a completely different way. It is by far not good to look into sex for a lengthy period of time. What will happen, is that you will find far more affection. Sfenist couples are far more powerful and far more united then any other couple. Affection builds-up because of the hormones that exist in each of us. But, in a sfenist couple, there is no way these hormonal tensions can drop through sex. So, they transform into affection. And the affection rises up to incredible levels. You will see. I already see that you try to copy the other one. And this is how it happens. I don't know why, but in every couple, partners try to copy one each other. They end-up having the same gestures, speaking the same, walking with the same steps, wearing similar clothes (as much as possible), trying to copy the other one in any way.
The affection increases to a level where the dominant thing in your life is your partner. You try the best to make it happy. And this incredibly strong affection makes you tolerate everything at your partner. I might say that sfenist love is in fact perfect love.
A sfenist relation can be divided into five steps.
1. At first, the two partners will try to approach each other, but will find that their wounds will act as strong barriers. they try to touch, to love and maybe even to have sex, only to realize this is not the way. Usually, this lasts for a few weeks or months. You were smart and did not try this step.
2. The second step is a lengthy period, lasting from weeks to over an year. In this time, the affection grows beyond that of a classical relationship. I have seen that, during this phase, they might only kiss or hug when they meet, without much more. And you directly entered this period.
3. As time goes, they start to make what limited love is possible. Now, they start touching, exploring the other's body. It is not sex, nor the way lovers do. Each sfenist has certain areas of its body that doesn't want to be touched and refuses to go beyond that. Well, this will also last a few months. What amazes me is that, while they do this, they show a higher amount of affection. They are more happy with this then people in other forms of relationships when having complete sex.
4. The last stage is when they find a way of sex, even if it is different. The best way to do this is mutual masturbation. Well, sfenists have hormones as we all do. Masturbation is common in sfenist couples, but for the first steps, it goes unnoticed. In this stage, they start to talk about it. At first, they will masturbate at the same moment of day, but in different places, without seeing one each other. then, it will happen in the same room. Then, it happens in as one can see the other. It all continues and in some cases, it can go to the point where they touch each other. This phase can also take months to go pass.
5. The final step of a sfenist relation, which occurs even later, is when the strong affection apparently drops a bit. At that point, they are a mature couple, much stronger tied then any other couple. They are one, so united that this scares other people. I've seen it. Well, at this phase, it is time to try to make a child. At this phase, if all worked fine, it might be possible to have limited sex (only if this is possible). Children can be also made artificial. In this case, the man produces some sperm and the woman inserts it. At previous stages, this is not possible or it is very painful.
What is essential is that sfenists will never betray their partners, they will show an incredible level of affection and devotion and that they will try to imitate each other. And also, it is important to note that sfenist relations are not like platonic relations. They are different.
The biggest error sfenists will do is in the first phase, when they will try to touch each other and even to have sex, without realizing that this is impossible. If you manage to get pass it, you will have the most united family in the world.
<>
"I must thank you", says Alia. "Thank you for making me understand who I am".
"You're welcome", she says. "When I look into your eyes I see the eyes of a cornered rabbit, waiting to be eaten by wolves. It is time to realize that you have only one friend in this world and that friend is Nicotiana. Your parents will never accept you as you are. Think what would happen if they know you wear pantyhose and now you sit near me dressed as a woman".
"I do", he says.
"And you, Nicotiana, your eyes looked like a wounded dog when we first meet. Always looking for a place to hide and ready to bite if necessary".
"I remember when you said that".
"Now, you look more like willing to help, but beware. Your wounds are still there and they will never heal. Now, I wish you all the good in the world. God bless you both!"
We leave her apartment and head to the railway station. This was the last time in my life that I've seen her. She is the one that helped me recover and rebuild my life.
Women use to spend on romance books and romantic stories almost as much money as men use to spend on porn.
Research data from a psychological survey, 2008
The morning comes like usual. We stay at the railway station, on the platform. Alia - Atan, now dressed as a man, goes to work, while I stay here and do my job, changing the lines. Before he gets into the train, we hug. People in the train scream at us, as he gets into the train.
"You didn't kill him!" shouts someone.
"Not yet!" I answer, as I get to the radio, to contact nearby stations.
I know what the miners did say when they seen him with green hair... and seen me here with green hair too. How I like things like that! Things will be like this: "Ana, the killer, is now in love! You've done it, stranger, what nobody ever did". That day I just couldn't wait for Alia - Atan to return and tell me what people say. Probably, they think about some sort of sex orgy, with our bed trembling like at a 9 degree earthquake, the walls starting to crack and the trees starting to fall all around. Men and their too much amount of testosterone... Pathetic.
Of course, nobody knows we are sfenists... and nobody will ever know.
I stay in the railway station, at the radio transmitter. It is a cold winter morning, but still, to make Alia - Atan happy, I wear a knee-long skirt. Two pairs of opaque black tights keep my feet warm enough, together with my booties. Unlike other women, I don't like to wear boots. With one hand, I touch my feet below the knees and feel the smooth fabric, but also the strength on my feet. Before knowing Alia - Atan, I never knew that a pantyhose fetish exists. When it was cold, I used to wear them to keep my feet warm as wearing a skirt. But now, I will do anything I can to make him happy.
He left to the mine dressed as a man, but wearing black opaque tights beneath his trousers. Nobody knows this. We chosen to have the same brand on. What people will notice is only what they can see: that he has green hair and green nails, like me. Well, they will think again that I am doing sorcery on him. "That crazy witch! She is going to kill you!" as many said.
I stay at the railway station quite a long. The train gets up to the mine, then it must return. Soon, the radio will beep, telling me this. I light a cigarette. Feeling the smoke entering my body, is what I like the most. I try to take a sexy double drag, just as I seen on YouTube. When I take the cigarette out, a small cloud of smoke exits my mouth. Then, I take air, to push the smoke deeper inside. And then, I let the smoke out both on my mouth and nostrils. Slow and easy. Then, I take two other drags of smoke. At the second drag, I let the smoke out through my nostrils, then take it into my lungs. And again, after holding it a while inside me, I let it out. Then, again, it is time for me to try other tricks. I can do almost everything, except for smoke rings. That I never managed to do.
The train comes, according to schedule. I wait it to return, then signal the upstream and downstream stations by radio. Then, I give the signal. The old, rusted train, starts its engine and keeps on moving. Now, I have a little time for myself. There usually are no trains until noon.
I go back to house and turn my laptop on. Most girls and young women here like to watch romance movies, TV soaps. But not me. I don't even have a TV set here. I don't have enough money for both an internet and a TV cable connection. Well, with a computer, you can see almost all TV programs anytime you want to see them.
I light another cigarette, trying to search something on this laptop, even if I don't exactly know what. I look at my feet, encased in this double layer of tights. I cannot see my toes or any aspect of my skin. No light passes through these layers and what little does, has no way to go back out. I blow some smoke towards them. "Here you are, here's the nicotine you so strongly need", I say to my feet. Time to take a big inhale, to give them more nicotine.
For a few seconds, I keep on thinking how nicotine moves through my arteries and veins, how it gets to every single cell of my body. Even in the roots of my hair, some should go. If someone will take a sample of hair to a laboratory, they will notice the presence of nicotine in it.
Thinking about hair, this is a long dream came true. How long I dreamed of having green hair! And now, I really have it!
There is a South American TV romance series, 'soaps' as people also call them. I know my sister Cemis talks with passion about it. With my computer, I should be able to see it, only that it will be in Spanish or Portuguese, which, like any Latin - origin language, is impossible for me to understand. I find it very easy and watch a bit. At least, I should have an image about what this is about. At least, I will have something to talk with Cemis when she comes here or when I go to her.
What should I say? All characters in the movie share so much luxury. They live in a luxurious building, they have servants, they all have excellent clothes, all characters look good, but they seem not to have anything common with daily life. Secret relationships, mistresses, lovers, extra-marriage relationships... This is what all this is about? The owner of this house (oh, he looks good!) is in an extra-marriage relation with a servant woman, which is doing all this to gain money to rise her children. His wife knows and she has a relationship with a servant man that is more a delinquent and is with her only for money. That delinquent also has a lover, a beautiful poor girl, with his status. And two girls in this movie are fighting for the same extra-marriage lover! All this makes non-sense to me!
"Men and their extreme doses of testosterone... They should be castrated!" says my shadow.
I don't say that I don't find a bit interesting, but only a bit. That violent incident that made me a sfenist transformed me completely. At that time, I also liked this kind of staff. Now, not anymore. Whenever it comes for relationships, I am happy to see the normal form: a man and a woman, not extra-marriage or other staff. Life is anyway too complicated and too harsh.
How much hate I had all these years for men! I think about this, while filling my lungs with smoke again and again and again. There was a time I wanted to kill them all! There was a time when I became more a man then a woman, with the desire to show all guys that women are superior. At that time, I never worn a skirt. It was like if I was trying to become a man. But then, I started to be more and more feminine. More pretty, more sexy, always wearing a dress or a skirt. All this, fueled from the hate growing inside me.
As I inhale some more smoke, my shadow starts reciting something:
It’s all up to you
No one lives forever
Been burn in the hell
By all those pigs out there
When I was a child, there were some TV anime series, named Black Lagoon. There, a main character is a woman named Revy. She was a model for me. She was a cute and polite girl until a policeman beaten and raped her. From that moment, she became a dark angel. I was amazed by her black humor. In the anime, people said she has the eyes of a bloodhound. Well, my psychologist said I have the eyes of a wounded dog. Not to mention, she is also smoking a lot. From that day ever, she was a model for me to follow. Well, there is no way I will end-up wearing guns and shoot people around, but at least I was no longer that cute and polite girl that used to be. Be independent, not get married, not be dominated by a man. Never!
Is it possible that Revy was made, inspired from a real sfenist? I asked my psychologist and she said me this:
"Wherever I went, whenever I sent psychological tests throughout the world, I didn't find a detailed research about sfenists. People seem just to try force them into the mainstream population. However, in every place and every level of civilization, I found sfenists. You just have to ask the correct questions and you will find them".
It’s always been hell
From when I was born
They make me violate them
No matter who they are
These verses are from the opening theme of Black Lagoon. Didn't I feel like this? And how many times? How many times I smashed guys? How many times I answered them with anger, with ugly words? All those infidels. They should be castrated!
No man will ever touch me!
You made a mess
For Christ sake, this rotten world
Shit out of luck
Go with my vision...
I have a big smile on my face. I take another drag from my cigarette, the last one. I put it on an ashtray. It is filled already. Last night, I stayed until late with Alia - Atan, talking and smoking. He loves to speak about Astronomy. That is his hobby. And he got me in with this. How could Venus be terraformed? And about Betelgeuse, a giant star not far away from us, who is on the death rope... and soon might go supernova.
I never thought any guy will get to my heart. But what is he? A man, or a woman? Something between. My native language has no words for transgender, sissy, ladyboy, shemale or anything similar. But it does have the word sfenist. As for now, he never tried to harm me in any way. He never tried to seduce me, but it is clear that he loves me. A clean love, without any passion. It was love at first sight. Instant. It was a clean love, without any flesh desire.
I look at my feet, covered in double layers of tights. When he touches my feet, I feel nothing against. When I look into his eyes, I feel no sinful approach. It is all so different. I dare to say that I love him. For the first time in my life, I love someone. It is completely different. Not even a single kiss, except when we hug. That happens when we meet and when we he takes the train. We sleep in the same room, but like if we were cousins.
I start to become a copy of himself. It is something working deep inside me. His passion for Astronomy got inside me. A woman with a passion that exists for men? Why not? This is what I notice every day: that we tend to copy each one. We tend to use the same words, to share the same moves, to think the same... All this happens automatically. We are not trying this, it just happens. And with every day, I start to feel an ever growing affection. We tend to be so careful about each one's pleasures.
Well, time to do some work! Time to start washing the clothes. I go to the kitchen and heat some water in a metal pot. As I start manual washing, I start to remember something. The place where Alia - Atan lives. His parents. I remember the cry in their eyes. Oh mine! Where should they be now? I feel like I see them with my mind. They are in a room, they kneel in face of an icon and pray. They have an open book in front of them, while tears flow from their eyes. This is too much for me! How much pain I delivered to them? Alia - Atan assured me that there is no way we could possibly solve this problem. They will never accept what is happening. He told me about a guy who married a woman that his parents never accepted (because she was poor). His parents just thrown them away... and they slept for two years in a stable. Then, they had a child. His parents accepted them to move in their house, but almost every day they used to beat her. After other 3 years, she lost two pregnancies and ended-up with diabetes.
I am not letting this to happen with me!
The strangest of all, is that, in that place of the Earth, parents think this is the correct way. They never listen to their children and force them to follow what they think is good in life. Ironically, this is their strong love for their children. But the suffering I seen in his parents' eyes makes me cry. They don't realize they have destroyed their child with that much authority. And they will never accept it. He had to run here, to the end of the world, to save and rebuild his life.
I will do anything it takes to make him happy and to help him.
But what to do with his parents? I imagine them, now, staying in front of an icon and praying. Their eyes are red of crying and there is no hope for him to return. I just have to live with this. He is suffering too. I see it in his eyes. Only that I take the hit harder then he does. There is another thing. I always know when someone is praying about me. I feel it. It is like I can see and hear it. And I feel it right now. As I wash the woman dress he uses... Only if they knew he wears a woman dress in house... that would be enough for them to come here and grab him back.
After I finish washing the clothes, I put them out on a wire, to dry-up. I go to the house and open my laptop again, also lighting a cigarette. I need something else, something to distract my mind. And I search about the coal train, filled of cigarettes. Did protests arise in the Land Of Dictators? What news do we have?
Shocking! None of this actually happens. In the Land Of Dictators, everything looks normal. I even find an interview with San Marino, the godfather of cigarette mafia there. He says it short:
"I didn't do it, even if those were my cigarettes. I have no idea who did it, but look at what is happening! I am proud to see this! This shows the world that Democracy sucks and Communism is the best form of social organization. I don't care about lost money, as long as it is for the noble cause of Socialism".
What happened? In the land where Alia - Atan came from, huge political tensions have arose. The prime minister was asked to handle his demission. Many important people from security, police and customs had to write their demission, while others were arrested. Now, there is a strong pressure against justice departments, which cannot resist the power for long. That land is the gateway to Civilized World. Now, I see it all. The real reason behind what Stromboli did, was to weaken the border, to smuggle more easy contraband cigarettes. At least, this is how things look like.
Now, if anyone finds out that it was us who placed all those cigarettes on top of the train, our lives will be doomed. So, we have to keep it all quiet and not spend the money from Stromboli soon.
After I finish the cigarette, I return to the kitchen, to start cooking something. Then, the radio beeps. A train is coming. Soon, another beep: a second train is heading towards us. Two trains will reach this station, so I need to prepare it. I go and change the switches: one train will enter line 1, the other on line 2. Soon after they arrive, I will have to run to the end of the line, to change switches back, so that each train will continue on its way. Then, I have to signal by radio upstream and downstream stations. This is why small stations like mine are kept alive: to handle two trains passing in opposite directions.
Well, everything goes fine. Evening comes. Alia - Atan will come soon, with the evening train. I prepared everything for him. The food is in the kitchen, on plates, just hot enough to be eaten. He has clothes to change, in the house, to become a woman again. The fire is burning both in the house and the kitchen, just to be comfortable.
And he comes, with the evening train. He jumps from the train and we hug on the platform. Immediately, I do my job, letting the train pass, as we return to the house. He goes to the house and changes: a yellow women sweater and a black skirt. He takes a second pair of black tights on, to be like me, with white platform plastic slippers. Now, only his face looks like a man, the rest is a woman. Nobody would guess. We eat. I made a soup with a loot of cheese and small slices of apple (my own invention, never found it in a cook book), then we eat something with potatoes, carrots and other vegetables, with sauce and long, slim slices of smoked cheese above it. It also contains natural butter and some egg. As desert, I made him cookies, covered with a thick powder of sugar. And yes, as usual, we have milk. He likes to add some honey in milk, so I placed him a small cup with honey. And like always, I ask him what does he think about the food. Should I improve something? At first, he didn't say anything, but now he gives me little ideas.
Then, he helps me wash the dishes. He is always very careful what he can do to help. And then, we go to the house. We sit on the bed and place the laptop on a pillow in front of us, like usually.
We both light a cigarette from the same lighter, a thing that we never did before, but now it just happened this way. I watch how he takes a hungry drag of smoke, then blows it up in the room. I take then a single inhale with two drags and blow the smoke towards him. Then, he takes some smoke in his mouth and blows it towards me.
This kind of blowing smoke one to the other, are our sfenist way of kissing. Well, not touching flesh, but somehow, they have more affection in it then a real kiss would have.
"The planet is covered with dark clouds" he says, showing his double-layered pantyhose on his feet "and a volcano is erupting", showing his cigarette.
"And on a sister planet, things are going just the same", I say, moving my hand with the burning cigarette on my feet.
"This planet is being transformed both from the inside and from the outside", se says again.
As we stay, our toes can touch one to each other. And we do touch.
"Continents are moving", I say, laughing.
He tries to laugh, but just when he was smoking. It all ends with a cough.
"That was a tsunami", he says.
I laugh at this.
"Maybe your volcanoes are more eruptive then mine", I say, blowing a small cloud of smoke in the air.
"Or maybe your atmosphere is denser and could handle the eruption", he says, playing with one hand on his feet.
"Next time, I will wear 3 layers", I say, with a smile. "Or add the leggings on top of everything".
"That will be like the atmosphere of Jupiter", he says, looking at my feet.
"Will that resist an imminent volcanic explosion?" I ask him.
"I don't know, Nicotiana. Everything is possible with you".
"This thing will feed the volcanoes", I say, taking my cigarette close to his face.
He takes a drag of my cigarette. I see him. Then, he keeps the smoke inside him and blows it away, up. It is the first time this happens.
"Interplanetary volcanism!" I say.
He takes his cigarette close to my mouth and I grab it with my lips and take a lot of smoke. I let the smoke out slowly, through my mouth and my nostrils.
"Your volcanoes are erupting. Mine, just produce a strain of lava", I answer with a smile.
Then, we open the laptop and watch for news. This is more an automated response from both of us. We've been too far. There is a 'something' that started the alarm in our brains, that we need to stop. A romance is acceptable, sexy staff no. Teasing is not for us. At least not yet. Being a sfenist is like a fight between two forces. It is just like the equilibrium inside a star, between the mass of the star that tries to squeeze all matter into a black hole or a neutron star and the huge energy produced by nuclear fusion in the core, which wants to rip the star apart. These two forces are incredibly powerful. Somehow, these things are common in every relationship, in a way or another. But there is a strong difference.
A sfenist couple is like a red dwarf star. Their light is between a thousand and a million times weaker then our Sun. They are small and go unnoticed, invisible with naked eye. But they last for trillions of years. A classic relationship looks like the Sun. It produces far more energy. The struggle between the two forces, between gravity and nuclear fusion, is a real battle inside the Sun. And it will last far shorter, ending with a red giant phase, that will blow away atmospheres of all planets. But there are other, more bright stars. I can compare them with other, most known sexual minorities. When gay people or swingers or people that practice BDSM are in public, everyone notices them. I know that partners change much more frequent in such relations. Their stars burn energy like crazy.
Well, I am happy with this little flame we have.
I show him the news about that train filled with cigarettes: the demission of several officials, others being arrested. Also, I show him how quiet is the Land Of Dictators.
"The place where I grew, has nothing to do with me now. For me, everyone and everything there are dead. The only thing I wish is to get your citizenship and live here for the rest of my life", he says.
"I understand you", I say. "And I will do whatever I can to help you".
He looks with some widely-opened eyes.
"Are you willing to help me get citizenship?" he asks, almost not believing this.
"Yes, Alia", I say.
But the next second, I realize. To get citizenship, the most easy way is to get married. And he can do this only with me. I realize what I just said. But, no matter how scary might seem, it is the only way. It is too early for this, but... whatever.
"You realize how such a thing is done"... he says, looking down and only with half his voice.
"I know", I say. "But, as I said, I will help you".
"Nicotiana, you don't have to do this", he says.
I realize how dependent he is from my protection. He can stay up to 4 months here. Then, he needs to go back and require a new set of paperwork. And this needs to be done each four months. And again, he might reach his parents. And what would that lead to?
"I know what is the only easy way to get citizenship", I say. "Alia, just wait for the holydays to pass and we do the paperwork. I think you know what that way is", I say, looking at the cigarette in his hand.
"I know... mmm... the word... to be together".
I see so much tension in his eyes. Time to break the ice!
"Marriage? Why not?" I answer with a smile.
"If you agree with this, I am happy about. But, Nicotiana, is it not too early? I mean, we are together for about one month".
"It is just a formal marriage, to get citizenship, not that we are going to have a wedding and a drinking orgy and a sexual orgy. It is only a piece of paper that will help you get citizenship and nothing more. And it should not be anything more then a sheet of paper", I say, loud and clear.
"What will your parents say?" he asks me.
"That it is a piece of paper, in order to help you", I answer quick.
"What about my parents?" he asks.
"Do you want them to find out?" I ask him.
"No, they will never accept", he answers.
"Then, we will not tell them anything", I say with a firm accent.
"That is what got me scared", he says. "You realize what they would do if we get married? Nicotiana, I mean, they will come here, grab me back and all my new life will end".
"I realize it, Alia. As well, I realize how much they love you and how much pain we placed in their hearts".
"Please, don't talk about that", he says. "I know it, but there is nothing I can do. As the psychologist said, it is much better if we let the things as they are, no matter how much pain it gives to all of us. So, I just leave them behind. I try to forget them and consider my former homeland dead. Nuked! The former me has died, the new me is still an infant, but is growing. And when I will have completely grown, I will look back to them and see if any communication channel can be opened".
"I know it is painful, but that is the best way", I say to him.
He uses my laptop to get to his mail address. He has messages from his parents, but he deletes them all. Then, he goes to his Facebook page and deletes it.
"Don't take such drastic actions", I say. "Maybe one day you want to take back something from what you had".
"Nicotiana, you know something? I never wrote a single word and never checked anything on Facebook since I came here. I didn't want anyone to know about my new life. And when I will have citizenship, I will change my name. So, I will be a new person".
"I ask you again, Alia. Are you sure? You are making a huge step and there might be no coming back. Life is hard here. People are shot on the streets. You know well. If anything bad happens, no police will come here to help you".
"The guy that destroyed my life was a police officer!" he screams with much anger. "I went to the police and told them, but they were laughing at me and saying they will accuse me of calumny! So, I had to cancel my accusations, to avoid a worse trial!"
I look and see the eyes of a bloodhound. He looks like ready to kill with no mercy.
"Then, a few years later", he says, "my parents opened a small shop there, in the village. The leader of the Gipsy people in the area, asked for a protection fee and they gave him every month. But, in one week, they didn't have the money when he came. When I was selling in the shop, the Gipsy came in and smashed everything. I got paralyzed for a few moments. You realize, Nicotiana? Seven fat guys enter in your shop, take everything they want and break glasses around? After that, I started laughing for a few minutes, then crying. When I realized what is happening, I took the first minibus and ran and slept a night far away into a railway station. And you know what police said? That the Gipsy are protected and we should better shut-up if we don't want to be charged with a fee for racial discrimination. At the University, police found me learning in parks and in subway, because I really had no quiet place to learn. And they took me and bitten me like a delinquent".
At least that infidel who destroyed my life is now dead. A few days later, he tried to abuse another girl in Almathea, but his father caught him and killed him. The body was found in the river days later. But that police guy, he might still be alive out there, destroying lives of other innocent people.
I try to put my hands on his shoulders and slowly massage his hands. Then, I move one hand to his back. Suddenly, he has a strong, violent move.
"Never touch the upper of my back", he says. "There, that sun of a bitch kept his knife. Nobody can touch me there".
He is like me! I also don't accept anyone to touch my neck, but in the front.
"The first day you are free from work, we go to Jupiter and see what we need. As soon as possible, we get married, so you will have citizenship. And when that happens, I want my name to be changed into Nicotiana Ana, once and for all!"
We stay silent for a few minutes. Then, we decide to watch a TV show on the laptop. And then, we go to sleep.
As the 3 AM train comes, I run to the station, like always. As I wait for the train, I keep on thinking about what a strange world Alia - Atan comes from. Where is the civilization? People might be rich, but what good is that for? I enjoyed nothing in the civilized world. Nothing! Life is far better here.
Also, I have a few images from that soap-syrup TV series that my sister Cemis likes to watch. All those extra-marriage relationships, all the drama of each one... Why do we need drama, when this world is so filled of pain? Isn't the life better here in the mountains? Isn't it better to have a 100 $ salary for a 24/7 work on the railway then to be the mistress of a very rich husband or the lover of a very rich wife?
How much suffering in this rotten world...
Young ants do have wings, but adult ants cut down their wings, to force everyone look like them.
Ancient saying
Very soon, we will have our paperwork, our new identities and our official marriage. I will officially be Nicotiana Ana and he will now be Alia Atan. The state employee will randomly chose a common family name for both of us. Well, they are just papers, nothing more, but they do mean something. He long wanted to have a new identity. But about the official marriage, I still think it is too early to do that. Or is it? When the miners will find out this, it will be like the shock waves of a supernova. Supernova? His passion for Astronomy gets into me, day by day.
I am here, at the railway station, like in every morning. Holyday or not, the coal must flow. So, Alia - Atan, dressed as a man, took the morning train to go to his work, like always. I left the train to pass. Soon, it will return and pick-up a few passengers that go downstream. It is a cold winter day, but not for me. I can hardly wait for our papers!
I light a cigarette and try to do some fetish smoking, as seen on YouTube. With practice, it gets better every day. As I practice, I hear a knock in the window. It's my elder sister, Abida!
"Get in, sis! It's warmer in!", I say.
She gets inside and lights a cigarette.
"Hi!"
"Where are you going?" I ask her.
"To the city", she says with a smile.
It is rare that I see Abida smiling. She is usually more quiet and her face does not show many feelings.
"What are you up to?" I ask her.
"I go to get a present for Aslan. Is Atan free tomorrow?"
"Yes, it is his free day", I say. Aslan is her husband. But why does she ask about Atan?
"Great! Our parents will come to you. And I will come with Cemis too".
"I think you are up to something", I say. "I can feel it".
"Me? Nothing. Since he is a Christian, our parents think we should try to make him happy. It will be East Christmas Eve".
"Yes, but where he is, Christmas was celebrated in December. Well, I like the idea. Hope he likes it too".
Then, Abida takes a long puff from her cigarette and comes closer to me.
"Do you like him?"
"I do", I say with a smile.
"Don't you think it is weird for a man to dress like a woman?" she says.
So this is why she is smiling?
"No, I really find nothing against it".
"I just find it unusual".
"Men are so full of hair", I say. "They have ugly nails, they are so filled with perfume that smells like a subway station. I find it more likely this way. His hands and his feet are more acceptable this way. And wearing pantyhose actually makes his feet look more acceptable".
"I don't know, Ana. Well, I am not against him, only that it looks strange to me".
"Abida, this is my life and I do as I want to", I say with a smile, but with strict words.
"As I said, I have nothing against it. I only want to make sure that you like him the way he is".
"Yes, I do. I like him as he is".
"Well, you are a puzzling enigma that I never managed to understand. I think it is better this way", she says.
"I am", I answer. "Life made me be like this".
"I know", she says, taking another puff and looking away, just like thinking of all I've been through.
"What do our parents say about him?" I ask her.
"Well, you should know that they don't agree with his feminine side, but they accept him".
Well, the train is coming and she gets out to the platform. I signal nearby stations and give the signal for the train to go. I know Abida well. She is up to something. I know when she hides something. Cemis is different. She cannot keep a secret for long and is far more expressive. Sure Abida is up to something. She went here last evening and had a private talk with Alia - Atan. I don't know what. He said it was nothing important, but I doubt.
Then, I go back to home and I try to read on my laptop something about transgender people. I read about men wearing women clothes, especially pantyhose. I read about fetishes. As doing so, I look at my feet. Encased with two layers of black opaque tights, my feet are protected from the cold. There are so many articles! There are many guys doing this.
As far as I can see, there are many degrees of transformation for a transgender. Some prefer to remain as they are, only that they wear female underwear, hidden. Majority seem to be heterosexual. I read about a guy that wears 6 pairs of pantyhose. Wow! That is a tough one! I do wear two, even 3 pairs in cold winters, once I tried even 4, but 6? This is insane! Well, if he likes it, may he be happy! I have nothing against it.
A completely different thing is about gay people. Cross-dressing is common among them. At least, this is what I can see. I knew two gay students at the University and I used to talk with them. Since I am a sfenist, so I also belong to a sexual minority, I wanted to understand. As far as I could get, it looks that usually one acts as a male and one as a female. The 'male' penetrates the 'female', while the 'female' usually masturbates. People think gay people have oral or anal sex. It is true, but my friends preferred to do it in another way. One kept his feet close, while the other one moved his 'organ' between the other one's feet. This is the way they usually did it. And of course, mutual masturbation. Well, they seem to enjoy cross-dressing during their love adventures. But cross-dressing is not mandatory linked with homosexuality, as I clearly see now on my laptop.
Well, there are many other things to take into consideration. But still I am just at the beginning. All I want is to make Alia - Atan to be happy. It is becoming the purpose of my life. All I do is for this reason. I study what is to be a transgender, only to help him.
Noon comes and my parents arrive, as in every day. We talk a bit about our trip Beyond The Sea, in the Civilized World. They are amazed of the way I describe that place, the overcrowded minibus service and the attack by Gipsy people. My dad says, fully surprised: "If they were here, their heads would have long been sliced from their bodies". Then, I tell them about his parents, mainly about the way they forced him to return, because I learned him to smoke!
"Is there anything bad in smoking?" asks my dad surprised.
"No", I answer, while lighting a cigarette. "But there is something bad with his parents. And as far as I understand, this is how many parents behave there".
Then, I confess them about the many times I've seen with the eyes of my mind, his parents, kneeled in front of an icon, with an open book in front of them, praying from that book. I hear them crying over and over and over. I even open my laptop, go to his mail address and show the messages from them. They cry and beg him to return. They think I am a witch and use the power of Satan against him. They write endless messages, begging him to return home and leave this sinful place.
"How does he act when he see the messages?" asks my mother.
"He simply cannot read them. He suffers and asks me to delete them", I say.
"His parents love him, Small Wonder", she says, while lighting a cigarette. "But I really don't know what to do".
"How I wish for a solution to all this", I say. He cannot return there and I love him. But his parents will not stop crying until he returns. I feel them! Even now! They have hours in each day, when they prey and cry".
Saying this, I start to cry. "Why do things have to be like this? Is there no other way? Is there nothing I can do? I feel so sorry for them and even at midnight I hear them praying!"
I light a cigarette to temper me down, but it is useless. I open one message and translate it for them:
We went to a monastery up in the mountains and prayed all night for you. We cried all night. An old priest came to us and we told him everything. He started to cry too, looking at our red eyes. He cried with us, when he seen the tears in our eyes. We paid them to pray for you. What evil witchcraft is behind you? What is wrong with you? You are the light of our eyes, the sunrise of our night. Don't let us die alone! Just return and leave that witch behind you! Come back while you still are alive!
My mother drops a tear from an eye.
"This makes my soul a twisted mass of pain", I say to my parents.
"Small Wonder, you know, in past", says my dad, "parents had the right to sell their children. And many sold their children to Beyond The Sands, to buy gunpowder, to defend our homeland. But it was you who told us about a foreign traveler who witnessed this. And you know what he said".
"That it was so much crying, that the mountains almost started to melt", I say.
"Being a parent is more suffering then everything", continues my dad. "
"Those parents have a strong authority", says my mom.
"He is more a sfenist because of his parents, then because of he was raped by a gay", I say. "His parents love him, but they destroyed him too. And they forced him to meet a girl and have sex with her, even if they knew he was a sfenist".
"How sad it can be, there is nothing you can do, Small Wander", says my dad.
We finish smoking and put what remained from our cigarettes in my ashtray.
"Small Wonder! There might be one way", says my mom. "If you write to his parents. At every a few days, write them! Tell them about your daily life! This way, they will know that he is fine. Tell them that he will get citizenship and about your formal marriage. Tell them what you are doing, but not about smoking, about how he dresses like a woman or things like that. Even if they will reject you and will cry first, they will read. They will at least know he is ok. And in time, maybe in a few years, they will accept the situation".
"Thank you!" I answer.
My parents go. I remain in face of the laptop, thinking about what to do. How to write to those people? It takes me hours to think about. I try over and over to write something. I don't know how much time it takes. I smoked four cigarettes, still thinking. Then, I got it! Somehow, I get the idea. I write it and send it immediately, before reading it.
We are fine, in the mountains. It is cold and a bit windy. He suffers too much reading your messages and cannot respond. I make cookies and wait him to return from the mine. We are fine and we are both healthy. My parents will come tomorrow to visit us. Here, will be Christmas soon.
Nicotiana
I immediately close the laptop, light a cigarette and go to the kitchen, to make some cookies. I don't want to lie them. Anyway, it is something that makes me pleasure to do.
The evening train goes up to the mine. Abida goes down from the train, carrying two bags. She gives one bag to the train engineer and goes home with the other bag. She doesn't want me to know what is this about. Well, I simply don't ask. It is her life. I have no idea what she is up to.
Then, the train returns, carrying Alia - Atan and the workers from the mine. He jumps out of the train, carrying the bag Abida gave to the engineer. We go to the house, where I prepared the clothes for him, to become a woman. He enters with me and opens the bag. There are two packages inside.
"I have a surprise for you", he says. "Something I think you will like".
"What does this have to do with Abida?" I asked him.
"Women are better when looking at details", he says. "I asked her to help. This is my present for you, for the Christmas".
"Wow!" I say. "This is how people do where you come from? Bring presents?"
"Yes", he says. "They bring presents to each other and put them at the root of a tree. And to make us both feel happy, I got the same thing for you and for me".
I can see written with a green marker on my package, my name: Nicotiana. I open it and he slowly opens his. Inside, I find a pair of green thigh boots. And he has exactly the same thing.
"This is amazing", I say. "And they are completely green!"
I remember. A few days ago, we were watching a movie on my laptop. There was a woman wearing thigh boots and she used to keep her pistol in one. He asked me if I like them and I said I only wear shoes and booties. I also said that I would like to wear some, but only if they were green. And here I have. Well, I never worn something higher then booties and usually I don't understand why women do wear boots. But, as a gift from him (and even more, a green gift from him), I like it. I like it to madness. They are smooth, soft and laced on the back.
We both change. I am now in a black sweater with a black knee-long skirt and with these green thigh boots. As I look, my feet are hidden completely. The boots end somewhere below the skirt. He has a yellow sweater with a yellow knee-long dress, with green thigh boots. There is no way to see his pantyhose now.
"Now you cannot see my tights", I say, as I light a cigarette.
"Yes, I cannot see, but I know they are out there", he answers.
"I never worn boots in my life", I say again.
"Everything has a first. I am happy if I managed to make you happy".
"You did make me happy", I say, while allowing him to see my pantyhose through the laces on the back.
Well, we stay and watch a movie on my laptop. But we are more watching our boots then the movie. And we keep on smoking, until there is no more air in the room. I know all my things smell as cigarette smoke, but I don't bother. After all, in a few days I will be officially named Nicotiana.
We wait until the night train goes up to the mine. At 3 AM, it will return loaded with coal. We both go to the station. And we both take a green winter coat on top of our clothes. I just cannot stop to admire how we look. How identical! Are we tweens and I don't know? We both have green hair, a green coat and green thigh boots. The rest is invisible to all of us. He still looks at my feet as we both light a cigarette.
"What do you say about our feet now?" I ask him, blowing smoke in him.
"It is like a planet is hidden behind a nebula or a cloud of asteroids", he says.
I take another drag of smoke and listen.
"I know there are two layers of pantyhose, but hidden for everyone to know. It is like there is a planet with its atmosphere, with all what it needs. It might be habitable. It might even have life. But it is hidden. Nobody knows about its existence. No spacecraft ever managed to get that far and will not do".
"Only that there are two sister planets and nobody knows about them", I whisper.
"I always loved to see the hidden layer of pantyhose emerging from boots, when women sit and rise their skirts a bit".
I rise my coat and my skirt a bit, just until my fingers feel the end of the boot. I feel the delicate texture of my tights covering my feet. I rise it a bit more, so that he can see it either.
"I like to move my toes in these boots", I say. "To feel the layers surrounding them".
"While they are so deep hidden", he says, moving his feet gently and looking at them.
We sit on the bench and I gently touch his boot with mine. I feel the touch, but it is a long way to his toes.
"I never worn boots in my life, either", he says. "Now, I do it for you".
"I also do it for you. May you be happy!"
Again, I try to touch his toes.
"There is no way anything will pass through all these layers and the boots", he says.
"Oh yes, there is", I say as I light a cigarette. "This one will get to you beneath your skin".
I fill my lungs with smoke, then I blow it towards him. And then, I take another drag and blow it to his body. He takes a smoke and leans. Then, he blows the smoke over my boots.
The train passes, but I notice something. The engineer looks a bit unusual. Is he drunk? Well, I don't know certainly. If he is, then there will be a big problem. We return to the house and go to sleep. We just go in these clothes. I am used to sleep in day clothes, because of the 3 AM train. Alia also goes to bed in day woman clothes. We go to sleep fast. This is a routine for us now.
At morning, the radio beeps its warning. The train is coming. It is very cold in the room. I wake up, when it beeps again. Oh no! It is the danger message: DRUNK! The train is controlled by a drunk engineer! Oh, this is the worst of worst. Alia - Atan wakes. I whisper:
"We have a bad situation, the engineer is drunk!"
"Oh no! What should we do?" he asks.
"Let's see how bad it is", I say.
We turn up the light. I light a cigarette, looking for my boots. He also takes his and lights a cigarette. He then takes my boots and blows smoke in them.
"Why did you do that?" I ask him.
"Don't know. Just I felt this will make you happy".
I take a deep inhale and blow smoke into his boots. We put them on.
"Let's go", I say as we go to the station.
It is very cold. Probably it is below -30 C. I find hard to breath. I enter the building and turn the light on. We fast check the switches. Ok, it all looks well. In the cold silence, we hear the train. It should appear soon and stop here, as always. I can see the lights. But it is not stopping! It is driving with 20 km/h and not stopping. Oh no!
The train appears and makes no attempt to stop. We both make desperate signs with our hands. Finally, when almost passed away from the station, it stops. Like always, it also carries a passenger wagon, at the tail.
"I'll go to the engineer, to see what is going on", says Alia.
"Ok! Scream to me if it's ok".
I enter the station and radio-contact upstream and downstream stations. Those upstream now can breath happily that all is ok. For downstream, worse is to come. Will it collide with the morning passenger train? Will it pass through a station and break something? It happened many times.
"It's Sword!" screams Alia - Atan. "He is drunk!"
He reached the engine.
"Let the train go!" I scream as loud as I can.
But no! The train goes in reverse! What is going on? The train is in reverse! And it comes back to where I stand. Alia is walking and keeps an eye on the engine, telling the engineer to go downstream. What is going on? I hear him shouting. It all continues until the engine is near me. I can see. It's Sword! He is a Muslim. Well, Muslims usually don't drink, but when they do, they drink as much as 10 non-Muslims. What a nightmare!
"Ana, you forgot your shadow!" he says with the voice of an alcoholic.
"Get going, Sword! You're late!" I scream to him.
"Which one is the shadow?" he asks, looking at both of us.
"There is no shadow", says Alia.
Oh mine, he is drunk! I bet he cannot walk. What do we do now?
"Ana, you are pretty", he says, "but do you have some.. you know..."
"Get the train going, infidel!" shouts Alia at him.
"I just need a... you know what", he says again. "Only a... once you pretty..."
He opens the door and wants to get out of the train. somehow he manages to move. But when he is out, he instantly falls on the ice.
"Too drunk to walk!" says Alia to me.
"What do we do?" I ask him.
Alia takes his cigarette and touches Sword's hand with the fire. Sword only moves a bit his hand, not making any noise. In this time, two men come from the back wagon. But they also look drunk! Well, at least they can walk.
"Get him back in the engine", says Alia.
They look so shocked at Alia.
"Do as he says", I scream to them.
"Him?" they ask. "Ana, you mean this is... Atan?"
"Yes, idiots! What do you think?" I scream to them.
"Hurry!" says Alia. "We are late".
We manage to get Sword back inside the engine. Alia tells the two men to stay with Sword and watch him, keep him awake somehow. The train starts moving again. But this time, it is too fast. Oh no! The missing bridge! But now there is nothing I can do. There was once a bridge, that collapsed. The miners replaced it with two tree trunks and laid the sleepers and the rails above them. As for now, it resisted, but we have a speed restriction of 5 km/h there. The train is running with 20!
I go to the radio and signal the downstream station, repeating 3 times the emergency message: DRUNK! I also inform the upstream station that the line is clear.
The train is about 20 minutes late. We stay at the station and light another cigarette. It is like our lungs beat as one, as the smoke unites us. We tend to move our hands and breath in the same way. We wait. Usually, it takes about 10 minutes for a train to pass between stations, but this time it takes far longer. Did the bridge collapse? Finally, in 20 minutes I hear the radio signal.
Well, we go to bed. But it doesn't last long. The morning train, that goes to the mine, is coming. Alia - Atan is free today, but oh no! The radio beeps again the dangerous word: DRUNK. We go back to the railway station. The train arrives too early, with 5 minutes ahead of schedule. Some people run to catch it. The engineer is drunk too. He doesn't wait for my signal and starts going upstream. People that lost the train, now shout to the drunk engineer:
"I won't get paid for today! I'll kill you!"
Even one of them comes to me and says:
"Ana, tell that infidel to turn the train back and pick me to work!"
Well, the train doesn't return. And the people that came here go back home. There is no other way to reach the mine. They look so shocked at Alia and at me!
"What's going on?" asks one.
"Nothing", says Alia - Atan. "I am free today and I came to help Nicotiana".
"I think this guy is possessed by her shadow", mumbles someone.
"I think both should be killed", mumbles another one.
They make so open eyes! Well, for Alia, the movements were so natural, it is like he loves to behave as a woman. Well, we light another cigarette, as we go home.
As the train returns from the mine, the same engineer is in charge. Only that this time he is even more drunk. He even has a bottle in one hand! As I see this, I remember Alia - Atan's parents and how they associate me with Satan. Well, what that infidel has right now in his hand, that is Satan's blood. Alcohol. The father of all sins.
"I just hope people from the stations are not drunk too", I say with a big smile. "If not, we will be on the news... again, like last year!"
"All this is insane!" says Alia to me, as the train departs.
"No, it is not insane", I say. "This is what happens every year at this particular day. And you know what day is now?"
"I don't know, Nicotiana. But it all looks so strange to me".
"It is now", I say with a big smile. "Happy Christmas, Alia! The hardest day to work on the railway".
We are never alone. Even if nobody is around you, still you have your shadow. It will always listen to you and it will always be with you. The shadow is what is left from the Altar, the primordial energy, inside each one of us. When you are talking to yourself or an imaginary character, in fact you talk to your shadow. And if you are patient enough, you can hear its answers.
Legend Of The Shadow
Outside, it must be -30 C. It is a foggy day. Trains cannot see too far. In the house, we feed the fire with everything: wood, coal. The stove is overheated, but all is useless. Even in the house, steam comes out of our mouths. In the railway station, it is a lost fight. Temperature fallen below freezing and we just let it this way. Only a little fire we keep burning, so that we can stay inside if a train is coming.
We move to the kitchen, where everything is cold. Some hot milk should be good now... but the milk just got partially frozen in the plastic bottle! We light the fire there. Maybe a fast tea should be good. Once we make it, we go back to the house.
I jump to the stove and take it in my arms, while Alia sits on the bed, watching me.
"I've never seen such cold weather", he says.
"I have all the clothes on me and I still freeze!"
"There is nothing we can do", he says. "We must survive. There is no way this weather will keep on forever. It must get warmer at some point".
I try to light a cigarette, but my hands are shaking. Alia - Atan comes and helps me.
"I am too frozen to open the pack!" I say.
He takes two cigarettes and puts one in my mouth and one in his. Then, he helps me light it. I breath the smoke in, keeping the cigarette between my lips. Then, I just breath normally, on my nose. With every breath, a small cloud of smoke gets out through my nostrils. I inhale again, but this time it is a bit better. The hot strove is making me recover from the cold weather outside. If there is something I don't like, it's cold weather. Dead freezing cold weather. Some ash falls on my clothes, but I really don't care. I take another drag of smoke, this time better, with an exhale through my nostrils.
"What should we do?" I ask. "I took all clothes on me, but still I am freezing. How do you cope with this extreme cold?"
"Once I was in a house, in winter, with no wood for fire. And I survived sleeping in there".
"How on Earth?" Then, I remember! A few days ago, when Alia - Atan was at work, I opened the laptop and searched about men wearing pantyhose and pantyhose fetish. I seen a guy wearing 6 layers of pantyhose! Well, that could be a solution. "Don't tell me you worn 6 layers of pantyhose on you!"
"You cannot wear 6 layers for long", he says. "But you can manage with 4".
"So, you tried to wear 6 layers?"
"Yes, I did. You can, but it is impossible to sleep with them. They will pressure your toes, no matter what you try. And if you wear them by day, they will tend to move down".
"This is how you survived that winter night?" I ask him.
I use to layer pantyhose or tights. This way, I can wear skirts in winter. You just need to be careful. The bottom layer must be opaque. If not, you will see something like waves on your feet. And that is not nice. The best way to layer is with black tights.
"I worn a few layers on my feet, but also some on my hands and chest", he answers.
"How did you do that?"
"Well, you need to make a hole in the fabric, between the feet. That's where your head will be. The hose will cover your hands and your chest. If they are long enough, they can get to your belly".
"Is that an invention of yours?" I ask him with a smile.
"No, Nicotiana. It is not my invention. Let me open the laptop".
He opens my laptop and goes to YouTube. There, he types 'pantyhose top' and immediately I see it. So simple! Well, that is not something hard to do. So, I take some ripped tights and pantyhose. I cut the place where toes once were and I make a hole between the feet, to make a hole for the head. We take some of the clothes off, so that we can wear them on the skin. I put on two pairs and he puts two pairs too. And for our feet, we add two pairs of tights for each one. Now, we have four layers covering our feet. We put on the other clothes, including sweaters and winter coats, as well as our green thigh boots.
It is interesting to feel this. Well, it is not quite comfortable. It is not pleasant the feeling on my neck and on the hands I feel how they keep on moving up. They don't stay as should do. What really is amazing, is that you really feel worm. It is just amazing how much body heat they can trap around you.
"How is it?" asks Alia.
"It is incredibly warm", I say. "Your strange fetish saved the day! Really, I never imagined that pantyhose can be used to keep the upper part of your body warm! Well, it is not comfortable, but it works. Just like the feet. With four layers, I cannot move as I used to".
"I know", he says.
"Have you long been practicing this, Alia?"
"Well, when I was a kid, I tried to layer many pairs".
"How many?"
"As many as I had. But at some point I stopped. I did this only in cold winters".
"Do you like it?"
"I like the firm strength on my feet. The pressure, when I touch them with my hands. Do you like layering more pairs once?"
"Well, only when it's cold. I like the new color combinations I get. For example, if you wear fishnets over pantyhose, your legs will look much better".
"Nicotiana, I always worn them hidden or in dim light. Never had enough time to admire my feet. Sine we are together, it is the first time I exposed my feet in public. For this, I must thank you".
"And I must thank you for learning me how to make a top from pantyhose. I never imagined this to be possible".
As we speak, I hear a train coming. The radio did not beep? What is going on? We go to the station immediately, to see what is going on. It is true that from our station, starts an industrial branch line, about 9 km long. It leads to a remote coal mine, but trains on that line are rare. It is a surface mine, a quarry in fact. Coal is mined there only in autumn, to make a reserve for winter. Well, this train comes from somewhere else. And it is out of schedule. What is going on? As it approaches, the train keeps on beeping, warning of its presence.
We reach the station just after the train arrives. It is a mix, passenger-cargo train. But it shouldn't be here! The driver is Amir and he doesn't look drunk. There are almost no passengers in and he is heading to the mine.
"What's up?", I ask him. "You should arrive about 40 minutes later".
"That is what Arnold told me, to hurry, to bring these empty wagons to the mine", says Amir.
"Was he drunk?" I ask.
"As a pig! As a pig, Ana! But, he is the boss here. You know we have to listen".
"Just let me radio signal upstream and downstream stations", I say.
"No need to tell downstream station, Ana. Hans is dead-drunk! He was moving in four feet... trying to get inside the station. I just left him there and came to you".
How I hate drunk people! I signal the train to go upstream. Oh mine! Now, if a train comes from downstream and there is nobody awake at Almathea, that train will pass forward. If Amir is returning, what will happen? Just hope the engineer will not be drunk too! Well, this happens in every year at the same date... and in every year something must happen. An year ago, two trains collided. Two years ago, a train ran over the end of the line. Three years ago, a train derailed. And all happens in this particular day.
We watch the train going upstream, then return to the house.
We both light a cigarette.
"Christmas is the celebration", I say. "It is the birth of god Jesus. So, people should go to church and pray. I don't know why they drink so much in this day! Well, I know, but at some point this is too much".
"Nicotiana, tomorrow it will be all gone. And we will have our papers. Just think about that! Resist one day. Tomorrow all will be back to normal".
"I know. But the worse is yet to come. Wait for the evening train, Alia!"
"I've never seen drunk people on the railway. Just hope airplane pilots stay sober enough this day!"
"Well, everything is with a purpose. The real reason why people drink this much today, is because they are told to, on TV. And this is with a certain purpose. Today is the day when much illegal things are done. In fact, it was the only way to make our papers. Since everyone is drunk and busy with other staff, nobody is paying attention to a state employee, bribed to make some papers".
"I understand now..." says Alia, with big eyes.
"This is how things work here", I continue to say. "You see things like the shadows on a wall, but you must realize what really is causing the shadows".
"Still it is much better then in the place where I was born", he says.
We stay a bit, then I take two cigarettes and we smoke again.
"When the miners will come home", I say, "they will be drunk for sure, like everyone this day. Well, I don't know for them, but this is the day when husbands, drunk, beat their wives and children. This is the day when many horrible things happen".
***************************************
Well, the train comes, but it is almost empty. And the day has passed. This extreme cold might have prevented many people from coming and going around, even my parents. They remained home today. Now, the sky is dark. Tomorrow we will find out what happened on the railways and in the village.
After five days, when Alia - Atan is free again, we go to the city, for our papers. Our long dream has come true. Now, we have a new identity. We give the state employee the remaining 500 $ from his bribery. From now, I am officially named Nicotiana Ana and he is Alia Atan. We see our marriage certificate, our regional passports and a few other papers. All is done, with our fake signatures on each document. All is made as it should be.
From this point, a chapter of our lives has ended. A new chapter and a new life waits us.
END OF PART 1
About real love: Love is the foundation of the Universe. In every plant, in every animal, in every bird, insect, fish or even worm, you can see the smooth fabric of love. Even in rocks, in water, in stars and in air, love has pierced its roots. We are made of love and we should spread this love around us.
Real love must not be confused with sensual love, which is only the result of our flesh and nothing more.
The Book Before The Earth
My name is Nicotiana Ana and I live in the mountains at the end of the world. This is the land of legends and myths, the land between the sword and the rainbow. Not many people dare to go this deep, but one did. He is Alia Atan, my husband (as our papers say). We are sfenists, a very rare sexual minority. We have passed through fire and ice and now we have rebuilt our lives, with this new identity. I work on the railway and he works at the mine, as a Geological expert. I never imagined that one day I will meet another sfenist and have a chance to live a happy life. What is the foundation of a sfenist relation? Love. But not the carnal love found in any classic couple. It is the most pure form of love, combined with a strong affection and the will to imitate each other. Passion exists, but in complete different way. We, sfenists, look and don't touch. We love but don't make love. It is like the difference between sexy and porn, between desire and fulfillment or between a burning cigarette and an incendiary. There is something inside us, that creates a very strong attraction force, but forbids us from colliding together. We are like a binary planet, two planets orbiting together one around the other, locked forever in this cosmic dance, but never touching each other. A natural equilibrium that formed from itself and will remain forever. Stars will become red giants and will explode, but we will remain as before.
I chosen my name as Nicotiana Ana and I obtain this name with the help of bribery. Yes, I am a convinced smoker and I started smoking at 6. Since that time, it influenced completely my life. I survived in harsh time by producing and selling contraband cigarettes and I convinced over 100 people to start smoking. In my native language, aana actually means 'pocket fire' (lighter or match). I can say that my brother is Nicotiana tabacum, the plant that I smoke and my sister is Nicotiana nana, a beautiful flower. If you come to me, beware! You will start smoking, no matter how much you fight against it. I definitely am a woman that has just passed over 20, but many people say that I have the soul of a man... and the eyes of a wounded dog. About my (official) husband, with the same expensive bribery, he changed his name into Alia Atan. Somehow, there are two persons living in the same body, or more precisely, a single soul with two faces. When he is alone or surrounded by other people, he is Atan, a man. But when he is with me, he becomes Alia, the woman. He is a transgender that returns to his real male status when he wishes, even if he has the soul of a woman.
What does the word sfenist actually mean in my language? It means untouchable. And really that is. But, slowly, we get to touch one each other. I know this will not get too far, at least not as far as in a classic relation. The two planets will approach a bit, maybe even more, but will never collide.
What made us sfenists? Nobody is born as a sfenist. It takes something extremely violent to occur in your life, to transform you beyond recovery. And usually, that something is a sexual abuse. After this, some people cannot return to what they were. For me, it took years to be able to live a normal life, but it will be impossible to have a classic relationship with a guy, ever. However, after that, I was no longer the former me. I was no longer a cute shy girl playing with dolls and trying to look pretty. I became a wild animal. It was my growing hate for men that prevented me from becoming a transgender. But for Alia - Atan, things were different. The fact that he was abused by a man, a gay, probably made him come closer to his feminine side and develop a strong pantyhose addiction. Even as Atan, he wears pantyhose candid. To make him happy, I wear them too, all time.
We meet at the end of the autumn. Then, in winter, we made our marriage papers, without any celebration. It was vital for him, to get citizenship here. Now, we are at the beginning of spring. Our love story continues and will keep on going to the end of our lives and even beyond that.
**********************************************************
I am in the railway station, waiting for the evening train to return from the mine. Alia - Atan will return soon. I have everything prepared, like always. The food is ready on plates, the clothes for him, all what he needs. I sit inside the station, while a few people stay outside and wait the train. I am smoking, but the cigarette will be finished soon. Outside, the sky is part cloudy, part clear. The huge mountains rise their white tops towards the sky. Snow is melting around. I hear the train approaching, as it trembles on the old, unrepaired rails. An engine carries 3 rusted wagons. This train is our only connection to the outer world.
He jumps out of the train. I signal nearby stations that the train arrive and will continue its route, then I signal the train to go downstream. We cross the bridge that separates the station and our house. I invite him to the house, to change from Atan into Alia. Then, we go to the kitchen, where we eat the food that I placed on the table in time. This is a routine that we do since we are together. The train schedule is what forces people here to have a schedule in their lives. As it is a sign of respect, we don't speak until we finish eating. Then, we go to the house.
He, as Alia, is dressed with a yellow knee-long dress with long sleeves, with a polychrome woman shirt beneath. To make the dress look as worn by a woman, he has a bra filled with ripped parts of old clothes, sewed on the inside. He wears demi-opaque pantyhose, with a shiny light brown color. He has white plastic open-toe sandals, to wear when he leaves the house. I am dressed in a black and white knee-long dress, with a pink sweater wit ha zipper. I also wear pink pantyhose that match the sweater and green open-toe sandals, to wear outside. We both have our hair made in a color between green and yellow and with the same length: nearly touching our shoulders. We just add a lipstick and if anyone would enter the room, will think that we are both women. The only thing that betrays Atan is now his masculine bass voice. Everything else looks like if he really is a woman.
"I have a new game", I say. "Can you smoke a cigarette to the end without putting it out of your mouth and without touching it with your hands?"
"Could try, Nicotiana", he says.
"That should be fun!" I say, taking two handmade cigarettes from my pack.
"This will make us two thermal plants or two volcanoes", he says.
"Here goes, Alia! A pretty girl must use the glamour of smoking to its maximum power".
We both put a cigarette in our mouths and light it. We are not allowed to touch it. Both cigarettes become bright and then dim. Smoke gets out through our nostrils, in small, repeated waves. Ash accumulates slowly. He moves closer to the ashtray, waiting and gently moving his head, hoping to somehow make the ash fall. I simply get closer to the stove and sit on the floor, with my head placed in such a way that the ash will fall on the floor. He comes near me. Smoke continues to get out through our nostrils at every breath.
This is a completely different experience then classic smoking. When you inhale, the air you need to push smoke deep inside you, comes through your nose, only the smoke gets through your mouth. The aroma lasts more in your mouth. And when you exhale, since all the smoke gets through your nostrils, you feel it more. You cannot exhale completely and you cannot take a deep drag. At every breath, you will try to inhale small amounts of smoke and exhale it. So, there is always some smoke inside you.
We keep on doing this, until all that remains is the filter and nothing more. The small room gets a dizzy haze of smoke inside.
"That was very interesting", he says, taking the filter out of his mouth.
"It is the first time I do this with someone", I say, looking at the used filter.
He takes his filter close to mine. Both are brown on the interior and both show traces of lipstick on the exterior.
"I think they look the same", I say, with a smile.
"As you said once. Two lungs beat as one. Here, two filters beat as one, only that heir lifetime has ended".
"That was their purpose", I say.
"Amazing how many things you can do with a cigarette. No surprise that you are Nicotiana".
As he speaks, his mouth has a smell of smoke. Just as mine. I like that smell. It is like a part of me has moved inside him.
"Alia, do you remember how strong willed were you against smoking?" I ask without smiling.
"Yes, I do", he says. "And I remember how you tried to kill me if I would not start".
"How do you feel about it now?"
"The only thing I regret is that I didn't start before. I never imagined that there can be a pleasure in this. I thought it only is a horrible addiction that will only lead to my death. Now, I see everything is different".
"That is what people told you, in the world you lived before", I say with mild words. "But tell me, honestly, Alia: Is drinking better or worse then smoking?"
"Honestly, Nicotiana, I've seen many alcoholics in my life. They tend to ruin their lives. Families abandon them, then they sell everything for alcohol. Basically, they end-up working only to drink their money. Usually, they live with their parents or with a very good husband or wife, that feeds them and manages the house for them. But when they are left alone, they quickly leave their homes unrepaired or sell them for alcohol. I've seen them sleeping on the streets in large cities, in ruined homes in rural areas and many times in trash bins. They beg for mercy on the streets and are parasites for the society".
"Very true", I answer him. "I've seen thousands of families broken because of alcohol. But have you seen a single family destroyed because of smoking?"
"To be honest, yes", he answers me. "I've seen a girl. Her parents removed her from her boyfriend because he was smoking. And then forced her to marry someone else. In the end, the girl went suicide. And not to mention our case. My parents are strongly against you because you smoke".
This makes me say nothing, but I instinctively light another cigarette. I remember the pain I've seen in his parents. And even if months have passed, I still see them with the eyes of my heart. They kneel in front of an icon every day and cry... and cry... and pray with an opened religious book in front of them. They do this every day, crying over and over and over. The only thing they want is Alia - Atan back to them. They want me away from him. And why? Because I smoke, because I am from a dangerous place of the world and because I am poorer then him. And because of my religion, maybe. As my parents advised me, at a few days, when I am alone, I send them a message about us. I tell them that he is fine or no (he was sick at a point), about how I am, about the weather here and other things in our lives. Well, I don't tell them about his feminine side, of course. I usually try to avoid reading their messages, but sometimes I do. And nothing has changed. Just a few days ago, they answered me with this phrase:
Just drop dead, you infamous bitch! You took the light of our eyes away from us! You took an innocent man, daughter of the devil. Not even all the fires of hell are enough for your sins. Just for how long are you going to pour venom into his blood? Couldn't you take a rat or a shit from the toilette or something at your level to marry? Why do you do this to us? Just die! Die and never ever dare to say any word! At some point your witchcraft will fall and all the demons you serve will come and take your soul. You know it well and there is no way out! Just jump into an abandoned fountain or hang up yourself, if you still have some humanity inside you. May you be eaten by worms alive!
Even so, I still send them messages, without telling him anything.
"Is there anything wrong, Nicotiana?" he asks me.
"No, there is no problem", I say.
"I don't think so. There is something inside you and I feel it".
Should I tell him? Maybe no. They are his parents and I know how much he loves them. Just as much as they love him. But, he is the closest thing I have. So, let's try.
"Nothing. Just that I remembered your parents".
"Ah, that is it", he says, with a sober voice. "You know that there is nothing we can do about them".
"Don't you suffer for them?"
"I do. But there is nothing I can do. So, I try to forget that they even exist. But I just cannot do this. This is why I ask you to delete messages from them, so I won't see".
"I know. And I deleted them from time to time".
"I thought about changing my mail address, but if I do that, I will lost all contacts with them. I just hope that, just like in other cases, after some years, they will calm down and accept us as we are".
"I removed the messages, but I dared to read some of them", I say, as taking a final drag from my cigarette. "they keep on crying and asking you to return".
He takes a sad look at me, then says:
"Maybe I should try to answer them".
"I tried to send them messages, to tell them that we are ok".
"You did what?" he says, surprised.
"I tried to contact them. But all I get, is endless ugly words like drop dead, you, bitch and others".
"Why did you do that? Why did you send messages to them?"
"I thought that this will give them a sense of security, if they know we are ok. At least, they will know how you are".
"Nicotiana, thank you for thinking at my parents, after all they did to you. But still I cannot send them a message yet. I love them too much and this will break my heart. We passed the gates of never returning when we got the marriage certificate. There is no turning back now. I just need time, before I can send them a message back. Maybe a few months".
"No problem, Alia", I say, while taking two cigarettes, one for each of us. "Just let things happen on naturally. Now, are you ready for another smoking experiment?"
I change the subject to a smoking experiment, to take both of us out of this mood. This is like covering the wounds of his soul with a mask. The wounds are still there, but at least he will not scratch them, to make them wider.
"I have an idea", I say, giving his cigarette. "Will you smoke me?"
"Will I what?" he asks.
"Just do as I do!"
I take his hand, in fact his sleeve, which I pull a bit beyond his fingers. Then I take a deep inhale and take my mouth close to his sleeves. I blow the smoke inside, as it gets out through the fabric of his clothes. Then, he does the same with me. I feel the heat of his breath, then I see the smoke getting out. A small cloud makes its way to my breasts. We play this game for a bit. We blow smoke one in each other, even in ourselves. All takes a few minutes, until our cigarettes run out.
"I have another idea", he says, taking two cigarettes. "Just watch me".
Well, even if I am Nicotiana, I cannot smoke continuously. But for him, I will do it. What kind of game is he up to this time? He takes only one puff, then takes the cigarette below his feet. He slowly moves each foot, so that the smoke will impregnate in his pantyhose.
"You said smoke enters our feet from the inside", he says. "Now, it enters even from the outside".
Well, let me play his game. Why not? I try to do the same, to move my cigarette forward and backward, along my feet, so that the smoke tends to get to their surface. To make this more effective, we also take a few drags from time to time.
"This is something I've never tried", I say with a big smile.
"My invention. It is the result of a second of inspiration".
This is how it happens in every evening, when he comes home. And we talk, we talk over and over in every day. What do we talk? About everything. And if we don't talk, we just keep on looking one at each other. Each day, the reason of our existence seems to be this time, the evening, when we are together and spend some quality time. Our two fetishes, our two addictions, have reached an incredible level.
Many would say that this is insane, but this is the way we find most normal. I learned a lot of things from him, for example his huge passion for Astronomy. This is not a thing to do for a woman, but I like it, because it is his passion. When he is free, he does the best to help me at everything in the house. We cook together. And as the spring will come, we will be growing tobacco, to make cigarettes and sell them to Stromboli. The process is not easy. I do this in every year. Even more, I make seedlings and give them to people in the village. Then, in late summer, they bring me tobacco leaves and I buy them. It is a business that generates money. Of course Stromboli gets the largest income, but this is how business are done anywhere. Well, I've seen in civilized world, a pack of original cigarettes is 4 to 5 $, while here, you get 4 or 5 packs for a $.
I just can't wait for the spring, to start the work! How amazing should it be! We, together, working in agriculture, staying all day together! As soon as temperature rises enough, there is far less demand for coal and the mines almost close down. He will be free more time, until autumn.
**********************************************************
My official name is Alia Atan. I had once a life, that now is dead and abandoned. I grew-up at a border province of the Civilized World. I came to the mountains at the End Of The World for only one reason: to runaway from my parents. They do love me and the only reason for their existence is me. But, they love the idea of me, not the person that I am.
I am a sfenist, but my parents never understood this. Once, they tried to marry me. They forced me to have sex with a girl that I didn't want, forced me to get into an engagement... and wedding should happen a few months later. But I found out she was cheating me... And I managed to escape.
I will never forgive my parents for that.
On the other hand, since I came here and I am with Nicotiana, a woman that my parents really hate, their lives have become a nightmare. Every day, they cry for hours and pray to God that somehow I will return to them. I love them as much as they love me. But what can I do? That former life is gone for me. It is like the former me is dead, together with my former name that I had before coming here. I have memories from my childhood and as a teen age, but they are the memories of another person. The only real thing are my parents. There is no way to erase them from myself. I know there is no way to make peace with them, other then to die my life here and resurrect my previous life. But I know where that life will end. They will force me get a job there, get married against my will and... most of all... get rid of Nicotiana.
Do I love her? More then anything. Are we friends? Yes, the best friends that ever existed on this planet. Are we lovers? No.
My coworkers from the mine think she is a witch and twisted my mind. Something contributes to this more then all: the fact that I life a double life. When I am with her, I am Alia, a woman in the body of a man. I dress like a girl and behave like one. But when I am alone, I am Atan, a man. This double identity puzzles many people around. They are sure that Nicotiana made me act like this, but in fact it is my own will. Another thing that they immediately spotted, is that, even if we are so close, we live in chastity. They simply don't understand how this is possible... and most of all, the fact that this is our own wish.
These months, I've seen men beating their heads while looking at us, saying that this is impossible, but also real. I've seen women that cried while looking at us, seeing this as a perfect love story. The first time they've seen me dressed as a woman was the tip of the iceberg. Now, as they see us so bounded in this relation, but realize that there is almost only spiritual love, it is like a tsunami wave heating the mountains. I won't be surprised to see on day the trains derailing because of the shock wave.
About this place, it really is incredible. People are not savages, as one might expect. It is true that they are poor and don't have access to school, but they do have a completely different life psychology. In the Civilized World, people are more slaves then here. There, you cannot move anything, even a finger. Here, if someone attacks you, you have the right to fight back, even the right to kill. Yes, money has a different value. A worker's salary is between 50 and 130 $, but the life is far cheaper. People have small, low houses, much more easy to maintain. And people don't go to a supermarket to purchase what they need. They exchange everything between them and not for money. They exchange milk for bread, grains for cement, coal for dried tobacco, diesel fuel for clothes, everything for everything. Not even salaries are always paid in money. I got paid in diesel fuel once. What religion they have? This is a hard question. Muslims, Christians, Idolaters, anything. If there is a celebration, they will all go, no matter what religion they have. And all this happens so natural. Really amazing! I bet it is the only place in the world where you see this.
And about Nicotiana? She is really amazing. She is pretty enough to make many guys to get mad, but she is a sfenist. In many regards, in the house, she is the cock and I am the hen, a thing that many guys will never accept. But I do, because I always was dominated by my parents. They chosen for me what school to follow and where to work. And she is doing everything possible to make me happy. When I was engaged with that girl, I stopped wearing pantyhose, as I always do, but I told her how much I love that clothing item... and she never worn pantyhose, even in the coldest winters. When she did once, I wanted to touch her feet and she didn't allow me to do this. Nicotiana is far different. Since she discovered my fetish, she is always covering her feet with a layer of pantyhose and always wearing skirts or dresses. Only that I long dream of her letting me touch her feet. To hold them in my hands. Will that ever happen? Who knows?
Life here is linked to this railway. It is the artery of life for all people around. There is a road, suitable only for horse carriage or an SUV. Nothing else can pass through. People carry everything in these trains. For passengers, there are four pairs of trains every day, be them only with passenger wagons or mixed with cargo wagons: a pair at night, a pair in morning, a pair at noon and a pair at evening. Additional cargo trains travel when they are needed and often they have a wagon for passengers. Sometimes, however, people just travel on the diesel engine. Despite being so old, rusted and not repaired and despite the railway being so damaged, trains keep on going. When something happens, people come and help to repair. Many times, trees have fallen on the rails or the railway foundation got eroded. People step out of the train and do their best to repair it. If the engine or a wagon has problems, people immediately come and see if they can help. And in many cases, with the help of many amazing technical inventions, they make the trains keep going.
Her smoking addiction is far beyond anything I've seen. Really, no other person in this world has such a strong addiction to this. So many smoking techniques she knows. And we experiment them almost every day. I now share her fetish at a higher and higher degree. And she can change every conversation into something related to smoking.
For example, I once was talking with her about Astronomy. I told her about solar flares and corona mass ejections. She questioned me about other stars.
"Yes, every star has flares, smaller or larger. The small M - type dwarfs produce huge flares, that can make them bright even 100 times".
"That sounds good for me", she says. "I am a small star and I blow massive flares of smoke".
"Larger stars also have flares. Red giants and blue giants blow an entire nebula around them".
"Is there any star that does not smoke flares?"
"I guess no", I answer. "White dwarfs seem not to, but once in years or even millennia, they produce a nova, which is a gigantic flare. And neutron stars, they produce gamma ray bursts".
"Well, Alia, it looks like every star does smoke. So, we, humans, should smoke too".
"I think not only stars. Even planets lose some of their atmospheres. There are icy moons with volcanoes that blow matter into the cosmos. And about comets, you know very well how they behave".
"Even black holes and quasars blow something. So, it looks for me that the whole Universe is smoking".
"I guess you are right".
When it comes about smoking, she has it all. Multiple drags, soft exhales, everything. She always changes the technique. Sometimes she takes fast inhales, holding the smoke long enough. Other times, she takes a double drag. When she does this, she lets the smoke out not once, but twice. What I like the most is when she does not inhale all. When this happens, she lets a small cloud of smoke out of her mouth. Usually, this happens not intentioned. But there are cases when she makes a thin trail of smoke out of her mouth. Sometimes, she lets smoke out of her mouth and inhales it through her nose. She likes to blow smoke in me and her mouth always has a smell of smoke. At first, I didn't like it, but now I am addicted.
A few days ago, I came with another idea. I took a cigarette and moved it beneath my feet, so that the smoke will somehow get into the pantyhose fabric. She did the same. In the morning, when I woke-up to go to work and changed my clothes, I changed to some clean pantyhose. I took the old ones and smelled them. It was a complex smell, a mixture containing their natural smell, some sweat and the smell of smoke. It shocked me. I always loved the smell of pantyhose when you open them, but this one was so different, like nothing ever touched my nostrils.
**********************************************************
Such things simply cannot resist in a classic relationship. In any couple where is love, some sort of energy accumulates and creates a powerful charge, waiting to erupt. In a classic relation, some energy is discharged as sex occurs. In a platonic relation, things never reach such a level. Everything stops by mutual agreement before much energy can accumulate, to prevent a massive burst. Sfenist relations are far more different. Well, it all depends on the wounds that each one has. It is this energy, that might be called affection, that builds all and holds everything together.
However, for any sort of relationship to exist, between any kind of people, there is one essential rule: that love must exist. Not sensual love, which is the result of the hormones in our bodies, but the real, essential and pure love. Without it, nothing can ever exist.
Girls play with dolls, boys play with soldiers. Later, girls watch romance stories, while boys chose action movies. Soon, boys stick with boys and girls with girls. If you see a child acting different, it could be a sign that it is not 100% male or 100% female. All of us have a little drop of the opposite sex inside us, known as Animus (the man part of a woman) and Anima (the woman part of a man). Some will only have a desire to become the opposite sex (in their fantasies or only in their intimacy). Others will go further, to hidden cross-dressing. Finally, others will go further away, to use hormones, implants and finally the complete surgery to change their gender. There are many factors that influence the way this transformation happens and up to what level, but an experimented eye will see them in early childhood.
Quotes from documentary about transgender people
I am in the railway station, waiting the evening train to go upstream, to the mines. Then, it will return, bringing Alia - Atan back home. Spring has come and now the need for coal is far lower then before. As in all years miners get more free days during this time. Anyway, they need this, to work in in their gardens and fields. I am happy that he will be more time home. We have so many things to do. We must make tobacco seedlings, to spread them through the village. Then, when time will come, people will come to us to sell tobacco. And at that point we will sell the biggest part to Stromboli, while the rest we will use to make handmade cigarettes. This will take a lot of time.
It is not easy to make the seedlings. It takes patience. First, I needed to get to Jupiter and purchase a lot of plastic plates, then make the mixture of ground and cow manure. I plant the seeds and give them water as needed. They are all in the house, placed one on top of the other, in a complex multi-level structure. People come from time to time to take the seedlings. I used to give them for free. Now, since not all of them bring tobacco leaves to me, I sell them for the equivalent of a pack of cigarettes.
Now, I am in the railway station. I light a cigarette and take a deep inhale. How many happy lungs I've done? I've seen in the civilized world, a pack of cigarettes is sold with 5 $, while our contraband cigarettes are between 2 and 3 $. Here, you get 5 packs with 1 $. How many people don't have that money to buy original cigarettes? From here, I am feeding their addiction. May them all be happy! I am strongly convinced that I am doing a good thing.
The train arrives and a few people jump down from it. My attention falls on a fat man, which came with two bodyguards. He is Stromboli. In the civilized world, he would be considered as a mafia godfather, but here, he is a businessman who made a fortune from tobacco market. He directly comes to me. I signal the train to go, then come to him. He is different from other people. He has clean shoes, trousers of a good material and an ironed cotton shirt. He always wears a hat and spreads the smell of expensive perfume. His green-blue eyes always show pride and luxury. I signal the train to go, then invite him to the station.
"Greetings to the one and only!" I say. "I am honored by your presence".
"Ana, the precious jewelry of my crown", he says, with a smile.
"Everything ok?" I ask him, while taking another drag from my cigarette.
"The grass is flowing", he says (saying grass, he means tobacco products).
"The deviation in Land Of Dictators?" I ask about the coal train we placed a lot of cigarette boxes on it. "Was San Marino's?"
This will finally tell me if Stromboli actually wanted to destroy San Marino or not.
"Friend", he says. "The dogs barked too loud, so we cut their tails" (dogs are people working at the customs. So, this was a joint plan, to change or temper the custom officers, so they can smuggle more tobacco into the Civilized World).
"They should be castrated", I say (this means, take them out of their position, but not kill them).
"They castrated themselves", says Stromboli. "But the serpents awaken" (serpents are unwanted mafia factions).
"Who?" I ask.
He takes a cigarette and lights it, looking at the door to see if anyone can listen him.
"Sicily", he says (Sicily is a guy that operates in the Land Of Sands, but not with cigarettes. He works with drugs, human traffic and guns, things that neither me nor Stromboli will ever accept to work with. Stromboli only works with cigarettes, technology and clothes, on rare occasions with alcohol).
"We need to take their teeth out", I say (to take their power away).
"Legend of the lonely tree", he says. "Tell me when you see leaves and buds" (this legend speaks about a lonely tree that grew away from the forest. The fields were owned by a peasant who wanted the tree out, but hand no axe to cut it down. So, he removed all the leaves and all the buds from the tree. When new leaves and new buds grew, he removed them too. After some time, the tree became so weakened, that the peasant managed to break it and pull it out of the ground).
"I will".
"Ana", he says. "He has sanders. I might need a cave" (sanders are extremist warriors from the Land Of Sands. That is bad. And cave means shelter. So, Stromboli might need to hide something in these mountains. We can arrange this).
"I have a few caves", I say.
"Open eyes wide and look for lonely trees", says Stromboli. "If you see a flying leaf, tell the bird" (if you see any sign of Sicily here, tell me or my men immediately).
"I will. You know I can".
"Yes, my warrior princess. I know you", he says, then tries to kiss me.
But, I don't let him. I instantly move my head away and give him an angry look.
"I am married!" I answer him shortly.
"I heard", he says. "With a transgender, as I guess. But in your eyes, I see passion, not fulfillment. You are in love, but not making love".
"That is our business", I answer shortly.
"How many guys fought to get to you. And you... almost killed each one. You are the only person in these mountains that ever dared to attack me. Even today, I cannot forget the look of your eyes, You looked like a wounded soldier, trying to take me to hell with you".
"You were lucky that you survived", I answer with a smile.
"That childish face of yours... Who could have guessed you are able to kill me?"
"Now you know. So, just don't touch me. You know what will happen".
The radio starts beeping. The train is coming.
"I need to go, Ana", he says. "Open your eyes and tell the bird. And make no steps" (don't let anyone know what you are doing).
"I will".
"Sanders are hungry. Don't look like food", he says (Sicily's men are looking for blood, don't do anything that might draw their attention, they must know nothing).
"Jackals hide in the grass", I say (we watch hidden).
Then, Stromboli moves to the door. "Coke, Ferrari, the gifts", he says, as his bodyguards give him two small bags. He gives them to me, whispering at my ear: "Sicily wants brains and funny plants. Find his tracks, but leave no track. He will make you wooden" (Sicily wants to find trusted people and convince people to join him. As 'funny plants', he wants to plant weed or even something worse. Discover him, but don't let anyone see that you are working for me. If he finds out, he will kill you).
"Thanks for the gifts", I say.
"I just want to see the lucky guy that managed to do what my money and power could not", he says, as the train is approaching.
The train comes and stops. I signal nearby stations, then return to the platform and signal the train to go. Atan is on the platform and comes to hug me. But, before this, Stromboli gives him a pinch in the back.
"Lucky bastard! You've got the most gorgeous girl on this valley!" Stromboli says, as he climbs in the train.
"Who was that?" asks Atan.
"Stromboli", I answer, as we move to the house.
I tell him the whole story. He seems a bit scared, but I tell him that this happens every year. Ironically, it is businessmen that keep these mountains peaceful. Arnold wants the coal to reach the thermal plant. Stromboli wants the grass (cigarettes) to reach to the lungs. Tank wants his clothes to pass through. Rasputin wants to smuggle all his alcohol through our lands. They all want peace. But in the Land Of Sands, things are far more different. All their businessmen want war and keep the war alive, making everyone to suffer, only to keep their business going. People on TV see fights between different groups, but in fact, their leaders drink together on a round table. I know it very well. It is an artificial fight from which people suffer.
We eat and talk a bit about this. As Atan understands there is no real thread to us, we go to the house. We open the gifts from Stromboli. On the packs, it is written: 'This will make you remember to let no tracks behind you'. Inside, there are gloves. Long, soft gloves, that reach almost up to the shoulder. They are in four colors: black, red, green and pink. It is clear that Stromboli realized Alia - Atan is a transgender and gave him the same items he gave to me. This means one thing: that the rumors of a man with the soul of a woman, have reached very far. Now, everybody knows us.
We change clothes. Now, I wear a white and green knee-long skirt, with flowers on it. I have a white blouse with something written in red on it, with sleeves reaching to the elbow. I don't know why, I like clothes to reach close to my elbows and to my knees. This way, I show part of my skin, but not all. Sexy, not porn. I take the green gloves, which reach so high beyond my sleeves. Usually, I don't wear gloves even in winter, but since they are a gift, why not? My feet are covered with a double layer. I placed black opaque tights and above them I layered soft green demi-opaque pantyhose. Alia appears more feminine then me. It is said that pink is the color of girls. He has a white dress with red and pink flowers and a white blouse with some red on it. He took the pink gloves, which also vanish beneath the sleeves, tightly covering his arms. He also has black opaque tights and layered demi-opaque pink pantyhose over them. We also use a little make-up. He always tends to take make-up to extreme, a thing that I don't like. Girls like soft things, not strident colors. A soft pink lipstick will be just fine, with little contour of his eyes. Well, I work more, to make my lips green. We both wear a bra. I naturally have small breasts, his (fake) ones look larger then mine, but not with much.
There is something I long wanted to tell him, but I never dared to. However, today I open the laptop and show him, as we light a cigarette.
"I've done some research about transgender", I say. "As far as I see, there are men who transform themselves into women".
"Yes, I am one of them", he says, as letting a cloud of smoke out of his mouth.
"I've read articles about treatments with hormones, breast implants, fake breasts that can be glued on the skin, even surgery to change genitals".
"I know very well", he says", but that is not for me. I just want to look more feminine, without extreme measures. I don't want to go to surgery".
"I didn't say anything about surgery, I just wanted to talk with you about this".
"This is the way I like to feel", he says. "Clothes, pantyhose, painted hair and some make-up, this is enough for me".
"Very good, Alia, then", I continue.
"I know about body transformations, but it just is too much. Do you want to transform me?"
"No, if you don't like. If you feel happy the way you are, it is perfect for me", I answer with a smile.
"Anyway, it is too expensive", he says. "And once you do it, there is no way back".
As he talks, I type in Google search smoking shemale. Immediately, I find a video that I wanted to show him.
"This is what I found today", I said. "I found the word 'shemale' and tried to understand what this is. For the moment, I don't know what they are. Are they men who transformed into this? Or they are born this way?"
"This question I long had in my mind", he says. "They look feminine enough, but have a penis. I think most are men which made breast implants and dress like women. but there might also be some people born like this".
The video that uploads is about a shemale that is smoking, but also masturbating. She (or he) doesn't do it in a provocative way and is filmed from one side.
"There are many videos that are porn and I don't like at all. But I chosen this one to show you. It was surprising for me to see something like this. I mean, she is sexy, not porn. Well, what she is doing is not polite. But just look at her, she looks like a woman. I thought you will be interested in seeing this".
"I don't want to go that far", says Alia. "Not about what she is doing with her thing. I like being dressed like a woman, but having body transformations is not for me".
Alia takes another drag from his cigarette, then says:
"I never imagined you can watch something like this".
"I can watch", I say. "As long as it is not sex, I have no problem against. That is the critical point. Well, I must confess that I did watch the Camelboys. They are a group of men, doing workout in gym. I liked to see their muscles. And I liked that they were linked to Camel cigarettes. They were smoking all the time, doing complex exhales while working in the gym. I like to watch, but not touch".
"The same works for me", he says. "Well, I long watched women with pantyhose, both in real world and on YouTube. But I never liked when the video was turning into sex. I just watched their gorgeous feet and stopped at that point. But now, thanks to you, I also have a new fetish and like to watch also smoker women. Still, a woman without pantyhose has zero value for me".
"Alia, when you were a child, did you play with dolls or with men toys?" I ask him.
"Well, I played with both. When I was with boys around, I played their games, but when girls were around, I played with dolls. When I was alone (and I preferred to play alone), I played with both. But, as a boy, I had almost only boy toys, so I used them. However, all changed after I became a sfenist. After that point, I started to be less attracted to male maturity. I refused to shave, I refused to use men spray. I think my personality started to change at that point". He takes another drag of smoke, exhales and then looks into my eyes. He has the look of a person who confesses secrets that must not be known. "How about you, Nicotiana? Did you play with boys or girl toys?"
I take a deep smoke inhale, then I confess:
"When I was a little girl, I liked playing with dolls. But I also played hide and seek with boys. At that time, I had longer hair, with a tail. I clearly was a girl, in all aspects, but I liked to be alone and play in the forest. My parents said that only boys go out in the forest alone. But that is like the life of another person or memories from another life. After I became a sfenist, I thrown my dolls in the river. Girly games were no longer for me. At high school, I played once on a computer with two guys, a game about killing monsters. I liked it. But the guys were trying to hangout with me, so I moved away. I guess it's my hate for men that prevented me to become a transgender".
I take a deep, angry smoke inhale.
"I guess you won't like your breasts removed and a treatment with hormones", he says.
"For sure not. But if you want to become a woman, it is ok with me".
"No, Nicotiana. I just want to be somewhere between".
We stay one near the other, on the bed, then, talking a bit about what will happen the next days. As things happen in spring, people at the mine get more free days: one day working and one day free, then on day of work with 3 days free, things can go up to 7 free days with one day at work. Atan will be here, helping me with tobacco seedlings. We also must plant our own. And not only that, we need to have a garden to grow what we eat. Unlike in his word, there are no supermarkets here. And anyway, who has the money to buy daily food?
************************************************
The next day, he is free. So, he will not become Atan and get to the mine. Because every night at 3 AM I must go for a passing train, we never change clothes during sleep. We change clothes in the morning and in the evening. It will take too much time to change from bed clothes into daily clothes, go to the station, then return and change again. Today, he is free. So, he will remain Alia all day and will help me with agriculture.
After the morning train passes, we eat breakfast: bread, cheese, eggs and a big cup of hot milk. Then we smoke. We are two women, with long gloves, savoring our cigarettes. We do a lot of smoke tricks: multiple inhales, combined mouth and nose exhales and more. Anyone who will see us, will think we are two women and have no idea about what he actually is.
Then we wash in the kitchen. We change to a different outfit. Now, we have some old dresses, suitable for this work. They are dark gray and older, with something written on them, that cannot be seen completely. Time washed part of the texture. We have black opaque tights and closed-toe plastic sleepers. We smoke one last cigarette, then we go to work.
I start teaching him how things work here. He never farmed in his life. Where he came from, they have a lot of engine-powered tools that work the ground. Here, we have muscle power and patience. We start planting seeds and little plants from seedlings. I see how hard is for him to do this, but he keeps on going. I keep explaining him how to do it. Well, it's a terrible experience for him and he needs a break several time. So, I accept to do breaks and light a cigarette each time.
A few people lass along a trail, at the border of my garden. They go to their gardens, which are further away. Also, a neighbor is working his garden not far away. They look at us, more at him. None of them say anything about his feminine appearance. They comment that he doesn't know anything about agriculture. And it is true, he never used farming tools.
When we stop, he has wounds in his hands. I examine the round buttons filled with liquid. His soft hands are not prepared for this kind of work, but he shows ambition.
Now, let's work more on the seedlings. This is not hard, but takes a lot of patience. In each plastic plate, we mix ground and water with manure from last year, from my parents' animals. Then, we put a few tobacco seeds, only half a centimeter buried. All the plates must stay on a multi-floor thing, which is an improvisation. Every day, we give them water, with a syringe. It is important not to give too much or too little water. At this phase, they don't need light.
As we handle the seedlings, the noon train goes to the mine, then returns. We make a break each time. Then, we come together and eat. Well, in other parts of the world, noon is the time for lunch, but we don't eat much at this hour. We eat lunch at evening while the noon lunch is some sort of a second breakfast.
Now, people start coming to buy tobacco seedlings. I sell. Alia is not yet good at this. He gets confused in the way we make commerce. Not everybody pays with money. Most people use other things: they pay with other staff: flour, grains, corn, cement, lime, fresh vegetables... anything. What amazes me is that people no longer look so strange at him. In fact, they comment that he is not good at agriculture and laugh at the wounds he made to his hands.
Then, comes time for my parents to arrive. When they see his wounded hands, they laugh. My dad even takes him to the garden and watches him. He laughs, while my mother says:
"Is he born in a city?"
"Well, it looked like a town for me, but he said it is a village", I answer.
My dad explains him how to hold tools used in agriculture and how to work with them. It really amazes me that my dad is not making fun of his outfit.
As our parents stay here, other people come and buy seedlings. Again, my parents laugh at Alia, realizing he doesn't know anything about rural trade. Prices are not fixed. At some point, we exchange two tobacco seedlings with 5 tomato seedlings. The next, we change other two with only 3 tomato seedlings. This is so, because the plants are not grown the same. Everything requires a small discussion. My parents give him a lot of advices, but still rural trading is far from him. Instead of appreciating a bargain as a whole, he tries to calculate values. No time for math here.
My parents bring us milk and cheese like always and we give them a lot of seedlings for them to grow.
Later, my sister Cemis arrives. She comes to do our hair. She has a good style and is the hairdresser of our village. I like my hair to be not long and not short, just cut it before it reaches my shoulders. While other girls spend so much time on their hair, mine has not a particular outfit. It depends more on what side I slept last night then on what I wanted it to look like. She is different. She takes very good care of her hair. She makes curls of her long black hair. So, I invite her to the kitchen. And she gently cuts my hair, then paints it in green, as I like, also giving it some volume. Then, I move out from the kitchen and she starts working with Alia, with the goal of making a replica of myself. Well, when I paint my hair, I also paint my eye lashes (the ones above the eyes). But for Alia, it is different, because he has dense upper lashes, as men has. So, Cemis must partially epilate them. That is painful, but not as much as is when I epilate his body hair. Then, she softly paints them in green, but darker then the hair. I don't know what happens there, but Cemis stays too long with Alia. Well, their problem. Finally, they both get out, holding a cigarette.
Well, she is my sister, but I give her a two packs of cigarettes for her help.
Evening trains come, but this time Atan is not coming from work. He is here, with me, as Alia. Well, I feel something. Cemis said something to him. I see it in his eyes. In her eyes, all I seen is the desire to help and be friendly. Well, we eat the 'evening' lunch and then go back to house. Now, it is time to change again.
I want to take a dress that I like, even if it is more a summer dress. It is green and has a big white leaf on its front. But since it is not summer yet, I have to improve. Then, I remember that in winter, when it was too cold, we made pantyhose tops. Why not to wear one with this? Well, before, I never knew that you can make a top, to cover your chest and hands, from pantyhose. So, I take one, which is some sort of dark gray. I chose pantyhose of the same color for my feet. Inspired from me, Alia choses a black and white dress, but also uses a pantyhose top and matches it with pantyhose for the feet, of the same color.
I see he doesn't say a word, but I feel a tension inside him. What is this about?
"There is something with you", I say.
"Nothing", he answers.
"It is not nothing, I see it in your eyes".
"I was thinking about Stromboli", he says.
"No, you were not. It must be something related to Cemis".
I see a surprise in his eyes.
"Please, tell me exactly what did she say. I mean, what affected you".
"Well", he says, "Cemis was asking if we did anything together. She is surprised that we don't even kiss".
"I see. So, she wants you to touch me".
"Yes, but more then that".
"She asked you to... what I think?"
"Yes. But you know that is impossible", he says. "But..."
That 'but' makes me wide awake and watching him with my eyes completely opened.
"Please, Alia, say what is it. Even if you curse me, I won't hurt you. Remember that I sworn I will not try to kill you again".
"We are not making love, but I think..." he makes a break and lights a cigarette... "I think that not like this... Maybe..." his words come very hard out of his mouth... "We should try to touch a bit each other".
He takes these last words with a thick cloud of smoke. But I can see he is relieved from a big stress, he is even shaking a bit. I analyze his words. Maybe our relation has reached the 3rd point. Are we growing faster then our psychologist said? Steps in a sfenist relation are:
1. Failed burst - when the two are stopped by their wounds
2. Platonic relation - when a huge amount of affection grows around them
3 - Limited touch - when the two start to touch and kiss, but not much more
4 - Limited love - when things go to some intimacy, but almost never to sex
5 - Mature relation - the point when they are able to have a child.
"Nicotiana, I am sorry if I wanted too much", he says.
"No problem. Remember what our psychologist said? We might get into the 3rd state of our relationship".
"I remember", says Alia.
"So, what do you want to touch?" I ask him, knowing already based on his fetish what he would like to touch.
"Your feet", he says.
"Ok. Let's see if I am ready, if we evolved up to that point. You try on my feet, but if I am not ready, I will ask you to stop. Then, I will try on you".
As he sits on the bed, I lean on my back, putting my feet in his lap. I take a deep breath, then say:
"Touch them!"
The next, I feel his hands touching my feet. It is not bad. Somehow, it is some sort of massage. It feels good. I think about his feet, which are just below mine. Honestly, I like it. Oh, I need a cigarette now! But it is comfortable this way.
"Please, light a cigarette and put it in my mouth", I say with a soft voice.
And he does exactly as I said. When he puts the cigarette in my mouth, I notice the filter is a bit wet. But, amazingly, I am not repulsed of this. Even more, I like it.
I take a deep inhale full of smoke. My body so strongly needs it. I imagine all the nicotine hurtling through my arteries and vines, all the way to my feet, just beneath his hands. I take another inhale. Never imagined that I will like someone to massage my feet.
Then, I notice something. I can see something under me, under one foot. Immediately, I realize what it is: his penis. Well, that is his normal anatomy, so there is nothing I can wrong. It gives me a little freezing in my back and he notices it.
"Is everything ok?" he asks me.
"Yes. Keep on with the massage. And blow some smoke on my feet, please".
He lights a cigarette and does as I said. I stay so, on my back, smoking and enjoying the massage. At some point, I feel his breath, as he pours smoke on me. But more then that, I feel his hands playing with my feet. He gets to my toes, to my ankle, gently massaging everything.
I grab a pillow and put it beneath my head. I light another cigarette and watch as the smoke goes up, in the room. It is relaxing. And I see a huge satisfaction and affection in his eyes. It is like if, this was his desire for very long. Why didn't he tell me? Well, I guess that I wasn't ready for this yet. But now I am. He might play with my feet as long as he wants. And he keeps on moving his hands from toes to the knee.
By the time I light the third cigarette, I feel again his penis beneath. Probably it moved a bit. I don't know. I must confess that at that time I didn't know anything clear about that organ. I knew that it grows in size and shrinks back, but never knew how exactly. Only that this time, I feel no cold in my back. And it is far away from what I felt before. When other guys tried to touch me, it was such if their hands were made of infect, rotten meat... and I felt worms and slimy putrefied matter moving over me. Now, it is not like this. It is so good. I like it and I feel much more affection and some passion.
I think it took more then an hour. But, at some point, he stops and looks at me:
"Are you ok, Nicotiana?"
"Yes, I am fine".
"Did you like it?"
"Yes, I liked it. Did you?"
"Me? It was amazing".
"Now, do you mind if I try the same on you?"
"If you want to".
We change seats. I move to his place and he puts his feet in my lap, leaning back with the head on the pillow. I see his feet in front of me, on my green dress. A bit from my feet is visible, with dark grey pantyhose, like his. We wear a pantyhose top, of the same color, that covers my arms almost to the hands. So, I touch. I feel the soft fabric, pleasant to touch. I did touch my feet many times, also I touched his knees, but never had the chance to explore his feet like now. I move my hands all over, feeling the soft texture. As he did, I move to the toes and gently touch them. So strange! I can see his painted nails, through the fabric. I move my hands around his ankles, then up, all the way to the knees. I gently massage his knees and then move down again. He lights a cigarette and smokes while watching me. Immediately, I think about nicotine moving through his body. Just below my hands, nicotine is spreading into every cell of his body.
I also light a cigarette and start gently to blow smoke to his feet. With the cigarette in my mouth and with both hands on his feet, I am experiencing something I never did. It is a state of confusion, while my body feels things it never did. I even push my dress up, so that his feet now can stay directly on mine. Pantyhose on pantyhose. Some ash falls on his feet, more exactly on our feet. It gets mixed by my hands in the soft fabric. We keep on doing this for a while. What an amazing feeling, that I never experienced in my life! And he stays relaxed on his back, lighting a new cigarette and smoking, while I make a massage on his feet.
At some point, I stop. He changes position and sits near me, on the bed. If one can see our faces, we look more satisfied and exhausted then if we had a sex orgy. But for us, this was maybe too much for a day. For sure, it was an experience like we never did.
************************************************
The next day, he has to go to the mine, to work. I stay here and continue my work with tobacco seedlings and with gardening. When he returns to work, we touch our feet again, but not for that long, as we did in previous day. And as night comes, we decide something that before this, never seem possible. We decide to sleep in the same bed.
A tree grew far from the forest, in the fields. The farmer wanted to remove the tree from his land, but he had no axe. So, he removed all leaves and all buds from the tree. When fresh leaves grew, he removed them too. The tree grew weak and soon, the farmer could take it out of its roots.
Legend Of The Forest
Sleeping together in the same bed has proven to be by far not as easy as I thought. In the first night, I let him sleep to the outer edge of the bed, while I slept close to the wall, but when I had to go for the 3 AM train, I had to wake him, to get out of the bed. The second night, it was also not as I wished. We were so afraid not to touch each other, not to wake-up each other, that sleeping was anything but easy. We were concerned not to make noise, not to move. We tried to sleep back to back, face to face... And an even greater challenge was because sometimes we wake-up during night and smoke. How to do that without waking the other one? I was at the point to recommend that we should sleep back each one in its own bed, but I preferred to go quiet. This is an important step in our relation. I know that in classic relations, the couple sleep together and even have sex from the first night, but we are sfenists. We are completely different then other people and that's the way things go.
During the second week, things started to settle a bit. We got used to this. We built a small shelf on the wall, so he could put there an ashtray and a pack of cigarettes. I also have a small table near the bed, where I always have an ashtray and cigarettes, ready for the night. At some point, we placed a box between us, with an ashtray, lighters and cigarettes... but during night, we moved and made all the ash and filters fall on the bed.
During the third week, things settled even more. It was no longer a problem if we touch during the night. Even more, we started to touch our pantyhosed feet. In one night, Alia - Atan even proposed that we should try to sleep in reverse position, he with the head towards my feet. And during the night, we spent some time holding and touching our legs. During another night, we held our hands for long while we were sleeping, until one of us changed position.
Then, comes this interesting night... I was dreaming. I was dreaming that I needed a cigarette. And then, I was smoking. But was the dream real or not? Somehow, a cigarette was moving to my mouth and back. Well, when I managed to wake-up a bit, I could see that someone is really doing this. Alia is putting a cigarette between my lips. He is awake and giving me smoke.
"What a..." I whisper.
"You were saying that you want a cigarette", he says.
"Really?" I ask, realizing better what is going on.
"Nicotiana, you asked twice".
"Did I ever do that before?"
"Yes. But I was in the other bed".
"And you gave me to smoke?"
"I never dared to go to your bed".
Well, I know my addiction is beyond any acceptable border, but I never imagined that I ask for cigarettes while sleeping.
The next night, I tried to put a cigarette in his mouth, while sleeping, but it didn't work. But I managed to slowly blow smoke to his nose, to make him somehow inhale while sleeping. It worked, only that in the morning, he remembered there was so much smoke in the room and we should open the window before going to sleep. As I hear this, I take a deep inhale and take my mouth close to his, then I slowly exhale. Amazingly, he tries to breath my smoke. That is cute! We try this again, in the evening. Then, the next day, in evening, I wait him from work.
After we eat and change, we dress. It is time for Atan to become Alia, like in every evening when he comes from work. Outside, it is getting hotter. The winter is long gone, the spring is ahead. So, we chose lighter clothes. I take a white and green dress, while he takes a black, brown and green one. We both have shiny, light-brown pantyhose. And we sit on top of the bed. We light a cigarette. Then, I turn on the laptop and go to YouTube, to see some smoking videos. I go to what little is left from the Camelboys, boys in the gym, doing workout and smoking. Well, we soon see a linked video, named smoky kiss. Two persons, a man and a woman, seem to be kissing, but in fact they changed smoke from one to the other.
"That is interesting", says Alia. "They recycle smoke!"
"Close to what we did in the morning", I say.
"And we didn't knew it".
"I knew this exists".
"You did, Nicotiana?"
"Yes. And there are several variants".
I show him another video, this time with two smoking women. They exchange smoke between their lungs. Sometimes, they touch their lips, sometimes not.
"I think I can try this", says Alia. "But I don't know if you are ready... not sure even if I am ready, anyway".
"We could try. If you feel this is too much for you, just say so and we will stop".
"The same, if you need to stop, Nicotiana".
"Ok. Let me try first".
I take a deep inhale. Then, I come with my lips close to him. We touch our lips like in a kiss, but this time with another purpose. I blow the smoke inside his mouth. He first opposes me, but then accepts. Then, he exhales it. Well, I almost cannot believe this. My smoke, getting out through his mouth! So incredible! A part of me got inside his body!
We try again. This time, he takes a drag and comes to my lips. We touch our lips, then I slowly open my mouth and prepare to inhale. The smoke enters my mouth and my throat. It is far less strong then when you directly inhale from a cigarette. Also, it is warmer and more moisture. Then, as I exhale, there is a small trail of smoke getting out of my mouth. So incredible! For the first time, something that was in his body, now is inside mine.
So amazed, I look around. It is something I long wanted to do, but was too afraid to try. No guy ever came this close to me without a massive punishment.
"Are you ok, Nicotiana?" he asks me.
"Yes, I think so", I say.
I take another deep inhale and try again. Our lips touch, then open a channel. I hear the smoke moving between our mouths. As our lips move again, a small cloud of smoke gets out of my mouth, but far more gets out of his.
He takes a drag and we try to do this again. We touch our lips again and I can hear the smoke getting inside me. When our lips move away and I exhale, there is not much smoke in me, much more in him.
"I think I am not doing it right", he says.
"You are bigger then me, your lungs are bigger", I say. "Try not to take the smoke so deep in you".
I try again and take a double drag, to get as much smoke as I can inside me. Then, our lips touch again and I gently push the smoke inside his body. It is too concentrated and he hardly avoids a cough. Then, he takes like me, a double drag. The first drag gets deep inside him, the second, which he almost coughs out, then is poured into me. I take the smoke and feel it, much stronger then before. I take it all, deep inside my body. He then exhales the remaining smoke, while I let his smoke out of my own body.
"Wow!" I say. "It is much deeper then a kiss".
"Two planets exchanging their atmospheres", he says.
Then, I take another deep drag and we touch our lips again. I pour the smoke in his mouth. But before he can exhale, I say:
"Wait!"
And I take my lips back to his lips. He gives the smoke back into my body. I feel it. Almost no strength left in it, but it is warm and full of moisture. Then, he takes again an inhale of smoke and touches my lips. I take the smoke inside my lungs. It has some strength. Before I can exhale, he puts his lips on mines, so that he can take the smoke back.
At this moment, I look inside his eyes. He is very pleased of this. I see pleasure, much affection and some passion, but by far not the passion I've seen in the eyes of most guys. I don't see those sinful eyes, I don't see the flares of hell burning inside him. It is the fire of a lighter or a candle, not the fire of a burning forest. I can handle this.
"This is a trillion times more powerful then a kiss", he says.
With his hands, he also touches my feet. Well, actually my left knee and my right toes, given my position. I feel his hands and slowly move one hand, to touch his feet. I didn't even realize that our feet were touching all this time. Then, he takes one hand, to take his cigarette.
We take a few smokes, without trying the smoky kiss again. Then, I say:
"Let's do this again!"
And he takes an inhale and takes his lips to mine. I touch his lips and open mine. The smoke moves between us, making a little noise as it passes through our mouths. I let the smoke out, then take a deep inhale from my cigarette. My lips meet his and I start pouring the smoke to his mouth and body.
We finish our cigarettes. This was an experience far beyond anything I ever tried. And it was not a kiss. It was not a declaration of passion and love, not a hidden burning erotic desire. Maybe, it was a bit, but there is something else. It is completely different. We shared each other, we exchanged smoke between us. We united our hearts, our bodies, maybe even our souls.
"The smoke that went inside you", I say, "went in your body, even in your heart. And then, inside of me. I took inside myself a small drop of your heart".
"Now, I have a droplet of your soul inside me", he says. "Yes, I've been taking pieces of you by passive smoking, but this is far beyond anything".
I feel his hand still touching my toes. I touch his hand with my hand.
"Now, a bit of my feet are inside you", I say.
He feels my heart and has a small twitch of his body.
"Are you ok?" I ask.
"Yes, Nicotiana", he says. "You are the princess of nicotine and you can transform anything into smoke".
"Thank you", I say.
We talk about this experience, then the radio signals. Night train is coming. I need to go to the station. I let Alia in the room. Some sort of powerful energy flows through my body. I almost run to the station, where I light another cigarette.
"What is happening to me?" I ask my shadow.
"You know well the answer", my shadow answers.
"Am I in love? Like this?"
"Sure you are, you know well this. Just look at you".
I am in a state of happiness, almost shaking. I didn't even notice the cold night.
"Yes, Ana, you are in love. And you've gone so far, the furthest in your life".
"What if my body will stop this? What if I will hit him like all the others? I am afraid!"
Thinking of this, I take a triple inhale from this cigarette. I try to keep the smoke in me as long as possible. As doing this, I almost cry. "Will I kill him? Will my body reject him like all the others?" I didn't feel the same. Maybe a bit. Yes, a bit, there was something telling me to stop. But he didn't touch my critical points. I don't support anyone to touch me above my breasts and on my neck. But there is something different. Is it the touch that triggers all this? Or is the eyes? The sinful fires in the eyes. That's it! But my body needs to breath. I kept the smoke too much inside me! I let it out.
It is starting to rain. A cold rain, with rare drops of water. Tomorrow will be a cold and wet day. The train is approaching, I hear it. Then, I see the lights. Yes, it is coming. I take another inhale, thinking about what might be if we are pushing the limits too far. What if our bodies are not ready for this? Will I beat him? Will I attack him? Will I even kill him? The train is here. I go fast inside the station, to radio signal upstream and downstream stations. Then, I come to the platform and signal the train to go. It has one wagon for passengers and about 30 wagons for coal. I don't see any passengers inside.
The old diesel engine makes a long beep, then starts moving. A cloud of smoke is above us, with a smell of burned engine oil. I know, people will say that these trains are living their last days, but it is not true. When an engine has major problems, it is repaired, with whatever improvements can be made. New spare parts are brought only when the old one are destroyed beyond recovery.
As the train passes away, my shadow says: "If this old, rusted engine can climb to the mine, you can carry your weight too. The gods will strengthen you when needed".
I return to the house. We try to sleep, but fail for a long time. The experience of exchanging smoke was far too much for both of us. Yes, I really think we are progressing too fast.
The morning comes and Alia becomes Atan and goes to the mine. But I can tell from his face that he didn't sleep enough. I also have a lack of sleep. As the train comes, we hug and he climbs aboard. I watch the rusted wagons going away, vanishing from my sight. Well, since I am alone, time for some gardening! Time to see all my plants what are doing. I don't have many tobacco seedlings for sale. The season is almost over. Well, they've been sold a bit better then last year.
I move to each plant and remove all unwanted weeds from around it. Like always, I take most care of tobacco plants. I gently touch their young leaves, knowing that I will be smoking them the next year. The sky is cloudy and it is pouring a rare rain. But, then, the radio beeps. The morning train is returning from the mine. I go to the station and check the lines. Everything is ok. The train passes downstream, stops here to take a few passengers and drop one. I signal the train to go.
The passenger is a 13 year old girl. She comes to me, with a very shy look.
"Ana?" she asks, almost shaking.
"Yes, that is me", I answer.
"Please, I need your help", she says.
"Ok. Come to the house".
We go to the 'good room', as we tell it. Each house here has two rooms: one is the 'good room' that we keep for guests and to store goods and one is the 'daily room' where we stay and sleep. To enter both rooms, you need to go through a small room where we take down our shoes. I look at her. She is young, with a natural brown-to-black hair, dark eyes. Not fat and not thin, she is about my size (a normal size for her age, I am shorter then other women because of underage smoking) and with a pink dress. Her bare feet have red nails, unlike mine, which are covered in pantyhose.
"Who are you?" I ask.
"Kumit", she says. "I am from Ganymede".
"I am here to help you. Please, tell me".
"Ana, I need your help. I know you can talk to Actit".
"Actit is good with everyone and will help you, but only if you want her help".
"There is a guy, who comes to our house. He is looking for me. And I think my dad wants to force my hand", she cries. "He tried to kiss me a few days ago".
I see the look in her eyes. Is this really happening?
"With who?" I ask.
"Fakih, who works with Abdul, from Beyond The Sands. He wants to get me for Abdul".
What? I get shocked. That rich Muslim guy who tried to seduce me? I know he has a harem and is very rich. He made is fortune by wood extraction. And he still carries wood along a nearby railway. I know him. He tried to get to me, but I attacked him.
"Are you sure this is about Abdul?" I ask her.
"Yes, I am. And I am scared to death!"
I start moving my hands around her head.
"You must be stronger. Not even mountains, not even rivers, not even the great storm can move you".
"Please Ana, you have to stop him!"
"Not me! You!" I say, moving my hands and shaking them a bit. "Actit will give you all the strength. You can do this. You have the power inside. And that over-cursed infidel will have no chance to stop you. Actit will not let her children suffer".
"But my dad talks with Fakih!" she says, crying.
"Cry, Kumit. As you cry, you will take away the cute girl that you once were and a new woman will be born into you. You are to be strong".
She cries.
"Kumit, you must do as I say. Actit has given me a sign that you will not go to Abdul, but you must also do your part. When you go back home, say to your dad: 'I will not go to Abdul. If you force me, Actit will bring a whole life destruction to you and all of us. She gave me a sign'. You must say these words with as much authority in your voice as you can. Say them one by one, with little pauses between each word. If he tries to say anything, repeat the words exactly the same way. If he tries to say something about, don't let him. Repeat these words again. You got the words: 'I will not go to Abdul. If you force me, Actit will bring a whole life destruction to you and all of us. She gave me a sign'. Now, repeat, Kumit!"
"I will not go to Abdul. If you force me, Actit will bring a whole life destruction to you and all of us. She gave me a sign", she repeats. "But what if they ask me what sign?"
I fast look outside and see a ray of light. Is it a sign from Actit? Well, I felt that the goddess is answering me somehow, but could this be?
"Just look outside. Wasn't it raining? But you can see a ray of sunlight on the window, don't you?"
"Yes, Actit has given us a sign", she says amazed.
"Don't tell them about the ray of light. It is only for you and me. Just tell them that you've seen something here".
"And my dad will not give me to Fakih?"
"If he tries, repeat this over and over. You are strong, Kumit", I say while moving my hands. And if Fakih comes, repeat this over and over to him".
"Will this help?"
"Yes. You know the unwritten law. Parents are not allowed to give you against your own will".
I move my hands around her head, then around her body. I just try to give her all my bioenergy. All! She needs so much help. How could a parent do such a thing?
"Mom is against this. She said she will hide me".
"She is on your side, but she cannot fight alone. Stay on your feet, in front of your dad. Tell this and sharp. Now, say it again, in front of me".
"I will not go to Abdul. If you force me, Actit will bring a whole life destruction to you and all of us. She gave me a sign", she repeats again.
"Stronger", I insist.
"I will not go to Abdul. If you force me, Actit will bring a whole life destruction to you and all of us. She gave me a sign", she repeats again, with much force in her words.
"Again, but this time not with a hard tone. Say it with authority, with breaks between words. Again".
"I will not go to Abdul. If you force me, Actit will bring a whole life destruction to you and all of us. She gave me a sign", she says, with a new voice.
I move my hands around all her body, with a huge tension inside me. Stronger! Come on, Ana! You have to give her all your bioenergy! She needs it! Then, I open a drawer and take some dry ground power. I softly pour it above her head.
"This is ground from the shrine where Actit holds her body. Now, her power is above you and she is covering you. But, if you don't fight with your own strength as hard as you can, she cannot do anything to you. She can do wonders, she can change rivers to go upstream, she can break iron gates and she can turn clouds back, but only if you want to. Only if you show with all your power that you want her to help you".
"I do! I want Actit to help me! And I will do whatever it takes".
"You are a warrior, Kumit! And you have the blood of a warrior! We have been living in these mountains for 10000 years. Empires raised and fallen, but we are still here. And you are strong enough".
"You think so, Ana?"
"I was face in face with Abdul when he tried to seduce me", I say. "And I think you know what happen. Actit gave me the force and I almost killed him. And I am a woman, just like you. Don't doubt you are. Don't think you are strong. Know you are. You are, Kumit! You are stronger then that infidel! He is just a fat piece of meat, waiting to die and be eaten by worms, while you are a child of Actit. You have the Altar inside you. You are a creation of the gods, while he is a creation of Satan and nothing more!"
"Will I be as strong as you are?"
"Just say 'I am as strong as Ana is' and hear yourself".
"I am as strong as Ana is".
"And Actit gives me strength", I say.
"And Actit gives me strength".
"I am a child of the gods and Abdul is a child of Satan. Say it, Kumit!"
"I am a child of the gods and Abdul is a child of Satan".
"I am strong".
"I am strong".
"Even if Abdul comes to you", I say, "don't worry. Just say him what I said. And if he forces you, hit him with all your power. Between his legs and in the eyes. Don't worry, you are strong enough. Have no mercy, he is the son of Satan. Actit will give you all the strength, but only if you do your best on your side".
"I am stronger, Ana. I am powerful!"
"Yes you are, Kumit!"
"I am powerful and Abdul is a piece of rotten meat!" she screams. "Actit is with me and I will kill him!"
"Now, when you go back home, just keep repeating what I told you. And you will get more and more strength with each word you say. Nobody can stand now in front of you!"
I take my pack of handmade cigarettes and offer her one.
"Do you smoke?" I ask her.
"I tried to sneak cigarettes from my mom, but Fakih hates smoking girls. So, my dad tries the best to prevent me from smoking".
"Kumit, then you have to smoke. Believe me, from all offers I gave to Actit, the best she accepts cigarettes".
She takes my cigarette and lights it. I see she is not quite a smoker. She coughs a bit.
"Each time you take smoke into your body, say: 'This will make me stronger' and you will be stronger".
She takes another inhale, this time better. And she blows a small cloud of smoke from her small lips.
"I give you four packs. Just keep on smoking, at least one each day. It is a medicine. Each day, smoke one. And when you do so, think that this makes you stronger. This will transform you, from a girl into a woman. Girls listen to their parents, women take their lives into their own hands".
"I am a woman", she says, after taking another inhale. "And I am as strong as Ana is".
"Yes you are strong. And if you fight with all your strength, Actit will help you".
We smoke together.
"I will not go to Abdul. If you force me, Actit will bring a whole life destruction to you and all of us. She gave me a sign", she repeats each time after she lets the smoke out of her body.
"You are a warrior, Kumit", I say to her.
"When my dad will find out that I smoke? What should I do?"
"Don't stop. And if he takes your cigarettes, come to me. I will give you others".
"I will not stop. And I will fight. I will not go to Abdul, because Actit gave me a sign!"
Now, it is time to search for a few things, for Stromboli.
"Kumit, can you tell me something?" I ask her.
"Sure. What is it?"
"Have you seen people planting something different?"
"Like what, Ana?"
"Well, like the tobacco seedlings that I sell. Other seedlings or other plants, but that are not familiar to you?"
"No", she says. "I only seen vegetables and tobacco seedlings".
So, no sign of weed or other weeds even worse. Now, time to use this question for her help.
"So, you've seen no palm trees, banana trees, coffee trees or vodka trees in here".
She laughs.
"Vodka trees?"
"Yes, trees that have bottles of vodka instead of fruits. Have you seen such trees?"
"No", she answers, laughing and finishing her cigarette.
"If vodka trees were to grow in the gardens, all alcoholics would be very happy. But you know that alcohol is the blood of Satan. So, such an abomination will not exist. If one day a vodka tree will exist, lighting will fall over it and will burn it".
She laughs.
"What your dad wants is like planting a vodka tree. If that tree gets planted, it will spread its seeds through the mountains. And not only you, but many girls will go to suffer in a harem. But if you fight back, you will put Abdul to silence, just as I did when I were in your position".
She listens very careful.
"You have all the strength you need. All the power was already in you when you came, but you didn't know it. You can go back home. On the way back, repeat what I told you. When you return home, tell it in face of your dad each time he talks about Abdul or when you think he thinks about that. When Fakih comes, repeat this in his face. If they scream at you, repeat this as you move away. If your dad beats you, repeat again. Repeat and run. Don't let them beat you, but let them know it. If he tries to convince you, repeat it again in his face. Say it also to your mom. No talk, no argue, no nothing. You are not to argue with your parents as long as they think you can go to Abdul. No nothing. You are to save them from the terrible sin they are about to do. Cause of they give you to Abdul, they are cursed for their entire lives".
"Thank you, Ana! I will!" she says. "How can I pay you?"
"No need to pay me", I say. "Pay Actit for her help".
"How should I do that?"
"After you succeed. It will not take too long until your dad will stop, because he cannot cross the unwritten law. At that time, say 'thank you' to Actit. That is all she needs, your gratitude".
I watch how Kumit goes out of the house. She moves on the railway, since it is the most easy way to walk around these mountains. The unwritten law prohibits such things. Children are sacred. A parent who does not take care of its children, is cursed with a life-long harm and destruction. On the other hand, I am happy that I convinced someone to smoke. May her lungs be happy!
People come to me from time to time. They think I am a witch. Well, not quite. I know that I can give them strength to pass over harsh situations. Actit might help and she helps anyone who is opened for her help, but the most important thing is human strength. The power of your own heart. If you do nothing, nobody will ever be able to help you. If you are lost in the sea and someone throws a lifeline or a lifeboat, you have to swim and grab it. If you just stay in water and scream for help, nobody will ever help you.
Secretly, this is how I work for Stromboli. I ask people that come to me. Simple questions, that they cannot understand why I am asking: Have you seen unusual plants? Have you seen seedlings of a plant you've never seen? Have you seen unusual people walking around? Have you seen some new types of seeds, but that are very well paid? Then, I go to the house and turn the laptop on. How do I speak with Stromboli? People use Facebook or Yahoo Messenger, but I never do that. I have no account on any of then. I do have a Google account, but it is not mine. It belongs to a former user of this laptop (I have no phone, how could I possible have a Google account?) Well, how do I keep contact with Stromboli? And how does he keep contact with his teams? In the most unexpected ways. I know well, because once, he was trying to seduce me, to make me his girlfriend... but he paid for this.
We use the most unexpected ways. For example, we both comment on a site about cartoons. With another person, he keeps contact by commenting or sending messages through a site dedicated to sports. A third link is made with a completely different person by using a site made as a night coffee hangout. One person posts a picture, the other one adds a comment. And if things require it, we use private messages on that site. No phone, no mail. And everything is coded. For example, now, I wrote to Stromboli the following message: No lonely trees close to the river towards the spring... and I post this on a picture showing a river. A few days ago, I wrote: The train moved two stations down. No bush in the large plain, no sign of a lonely tree... on a short video about a train. Both the picture and the video are not posted by me or Stromboli, they are posted by other people. However, since we are friends on that site, we can see comments (activity) made by each of us.
To my messages, Stromboli answers, by commenting to a recently uploaded picture of a camel: The sand is blowing and the desert is expanding, but for now, the oasis is green and out of sand. Nobody but me knows what he is talking about.
Everything looked ok, until one day, when I receive a message from Stromboli. It is on a song. There, he comments: A bee has spoken. A lonely tree might grow to the South. Most people might say that this is an insane comment, but I know the gravity. I need to investigate. Time to take Alia - Atan to the valley that lies South to ours. I have to do this.
The best way to get rid of a tree is to prevent the seeds from reaching the ground. If that fails, it is good to cut it down while it still is small. Then, if it is large enough and you cannot cut it, you have to remove all its leaves and buds.
Well, I need to prepare for this. A reconnaissance mission. I need to take Alia - Atan and do our best. We have to find out what is going on there.
Sometimes, something must die, to keep the rest living.
The Wiseman
Today, we have to go on a mission. We have to be very careful. The worst possible thing that could happen to these mountains are Sanders. My plan is made. My sister Abida will be left on the railway station, while me and Alia - Atan will go over the mountains, to the Hexagon Valley, where, if Stromboli is right, the Sanders are planning something. I have all very good planned. Unfortunately, men (even as a transgender) are far from good at making plans. And still... he is more a coward then a warrior. So, again, I am to be in charge. I know very good how things must go. We will pretend that we got lost on the mountains, then pretend we are a couple from the Land Of The Plains that went to the mountains to drink. Since Nomads are Muslims and are not allowed to drink, they often come here. Then reach to a good friend of me, Inah. Almost nobody knows that she is a sfenist too. I calculated everything, every step and placed all on a well-established schedule. Just as the morning train departs and Abida comes, we start moving.
We have a great advantage that Alia - Atan can pass both as a man or as a woman. I don't know why, when a man dresses as a woman, he looks older always. So, he can pass as over 30's. But there is a major problem: he looks a bit childish. Just like me. Usually, sfenists look a bit childish. Why is that? The answer comes from a joke that people use to say in these mountains. The joke says that at some point, a television came to find the oldest man on Earth. They searched and found one. So, they asked him:
"How did you get to this age, grandpa?"
"In morning I eat milk, at lunch milk, in the evening milk", the old man says.
"And how old are you?"
"90".
Then, they find another man. They ask him again how he got to this age.
"In the morning I eat vegetables, at lunch vegetables, in the evening vegetables", he says.
"And how old are you?"
"100".
Then, they search again, until they find one man that looks incredible old. They ask him how he managed to survive to that age. He answers:
"In morning, I have women, at noon, women, then at evening women again".
"And how old are you?"
"30", he answers.
Well, this is a joke, but it is somehow true. An active sexual life makes you appear more mature, older, more evolved. For a sfenist, this can never happen. As a result, we look a bit younger then we should. And not only that, but we look more innocent. For a woman, that gives an innocent, sexy look, that drives guys crazy. I am a bit over 20, but people give me an age of 17. For men, it is a bit different. A sfenist man looks more polite and innocent, but anything away from a self-confidence Batman or Mortal Combat warrior that women will go mad after. Alia - Atan might be 25, but as a man, people give him 20 or 19. As a woman, he could fit to 30. Well, there is a catch. I could pass as a boy (even if I have a strong hate against men). With my short size, I can fit to 15 or 14 years old. This might work for my woman voice. So, I could fit as his child and he as my mother? It could work, but he doesn't speak well our language. Well, this could work in some situations. We prepared for all scenarios.
There is another problem. Here, in the Heptagon Valley, people speak a dialect. In the Hexagon Valley, there is a different dialect. We understand that dialect, since it is the same language, but Alia - Atan is new to this world. He still doesn't speak our dialect perfectly. There, he will have problems finding his way.
Well, if all goes according to plan, all will work well. If not and there really are Sanders, we should be ready to hide in the mountains. That doesn't scare me, anyway.
We start going, leaving Abida behind, at the station. Now, we are dressed like two girls going for a sunbath. Nobody can suspect we are going to the mountains. I have my favorite green dress, with a white leaf on its top. I have smooth shiny pantyhose, with sport shoes. Alia has a yellow dress, with a large red umbrella on its top. He also has smooth shiny pantyhose and sport shoes. We had to paint our hair last night, in a sort of dark brown with a little red, something that can pass both for a man or a woman. We both have a small sack on our back. We both have a summer hat on our heads.
From the railway station, starts an industrial line, 9 km long. It follows a little river and moves through pastures. At 6 km, there is a little village. People from there, go by foot along the railway to reach our station. At the end, the railway reaches a surface coal mine, which is used mostly in autumn. The main reason why this mine is used only when coal demand exceeds production, is the steep grade towards it. Trains hardly manage to climb here. There have been cases when a train could not climb all the way up.
We walk along the railway. And we really look like two girls looking for a place to relax. Soon, we reach the village, where a few dogs start barking. People keep their cows in the pasture. Well, we pass the village without incidents and reach the mine. It is all quiet here, nobody is in this place. We make a small break and smoke, before starting to climb.
"Have you ever climbed on mountains?" I ask.
"Not quite like that", he answers. "I did, but in organized groups and on touristic marked paths. And I had special equipment".
"No equipment here", I answer. "It is nothing here. Just us and the mountains".
"But I bet you cannot keep your step with me, Nicotiana. Your excessive smoking have ruined your lungs".
"Oh yea? Smoking does nothing bad to the human body. Just watch. I bet at the end you will be crying like a puppy".
And we start climbing. Well, I heard that people going to the mountains should have sport boots, but where do you find such a thing here? What brand? Be serious! Who has the money for that? We have the cheapest tennis shoes, for going on the mountains. The path starts from behind the mine and climbs. first, it follows a little stream, then leaves it behind. We are deep in the forest, finding our way through roots and fallen branches. The path is still clearly visible. We reach a group of white boulders. I know, there is a small spring beneath them. And we stop for a cool natural drink, then we take a smoke.
"How is it?" I ask.
"Wow, I lost my training", he answers.
"Marked touristic paths, you say?" I answer, laughing. "So that the sanders will know which way to go".
We take water in a plastic bottle and continue our journey. The road takes us close to some large cliffs, all white. There is a small cave here, we just pass close to its entrance.
"Limestone", he says, looking at the rocks. "These mountains are so complex. We have limestone, coal, granite, crystalline schist, all together combined in a pattern I cannot understand".
Then, we enter a tight canyon, in fact a deep crack in a large white cliff. It looks somehow like a valley, but with no water. The path stretches through the canyon. It is just enough space to go through by horse, not horse carriage. Upper from here, the path is cut in the stone. And here, one can see unusual signs sculpted in the stone.
"Anywhere you go and you find stones, you see these signs", I say. "They are not letters, they are symbols. Remnants of our ten thousand years of history. We've been here, in these mountains, ever since".
We continue our way up. The canyon ends and a few stairs are dug in the rock. We reach above, on a flat terrain, covered with forest. There is a vertical cave here. I show him where it is.
"In old times, when we had to sell our children for weapons, to defend these mountains, some virgin girls jumped in here. They made suicide to save their souls. Nobody is allowed to come closer".
Then, the path follows a straight line. It passes through the forest. We then go down a bit, to meet a valley. It is full of waterfalls. Downstream, it is very deep and scary, but upstream, it is very small. That is the way. We follow it upstream. The path follows it through the dense forest. We pass the valley and keep on climbing. I almost jump over the roots and fallen tree branches, but for him, it is hard. We reach the top. From here, we can see our valley, the Heptagon, in the back. In front of us, it is the Hexagon Valley. And we see to our right, the high mountains, covered with snow, rising above everything. To left, we can see how the mountains are lower and lower, continued with hills. Then, far away, it is the Land Of The Plains, where nomads live. Here, on top of the mountain, we see a black tower of stone. It is natural, not made by humans, but has some sculptures on it.
"This is the shrine of Adge, the god of craftsmen. He gives them the power to work", I say. "Adge is the sword of Aziv, the god of war".
"And where is Aziv's shrine?" he asks.
"About two days of walking from here. But only people going to war are allowed to go there".
We move a bit away, to a place that looks good for a picnic. After all, my plan is to tell people a lie, that we went for a picnic and got lost in the forest. It is better to lie when there is something true. If not, they will find out the truth by looking in our eyes. I made a few sandwiches, with cheese and vegetables layered between two slices of bread. We eat our food and drink some water. As it is polite, we say nothing while eating. Then, we light a cigarette.
"Have you ever been to the Land Of Sands?" asks Alia.
"Yes, but not deep inside. I've been to its capital, by train. It is hotter then here. Less rain, more drought. They also have mountains".
"And the people?"
"All Muslims. But they are more practical then the Nomads. I mean, women there don't have the right to walk alone and must always cover their heads". I take a deep inhale, thinking that he will ask me about Islam, but I continue: "They are different somehow. Some are extremely rich, while others are starving. Well, they are of different Islamic sects, so conflicts are common. But that is not the problem. Their main problem is their neighbor, Land Of Fire".
"Have you been to that land too?"
"Alia, if I wanted to be killed, raped a trillion times and sold to a harem, I would. But I don't. And you know it is war there. You know the truth, now. It is an artificial war, because some rich idiots want to be war, for their contraband to work". I take another inhale, keep the smoke inside me, then let it out. "It is all artificial, nothing else! Do you really think people want war? And a lot of refugees moved from the Land Of Fire, to the Land Of Sands. That is the problem, they bring sanders with them".
I take another inhale, slowly blowing the smoke through my nostrils.
"I never understood why Islam makes people do such things. People in the Civilized World think it is Islam that droves Sanders do what they do".
"Completely fake!" I answer, while I was ready to take another inhale. I take it, then speak, as the smoke gets out of me, with my words. "Have you ever read the Quran? Answer me!"
"No, Just a few quotes, Nicotiana".
"Well, you should read and talk later", I say. "If you will read it, you will understand that Islam is a religion of peace and not of war. Only that the Holly Book is written in Ancient Arabic. It contains the words of the Prophet, just as he said, not a single word is changed. Only that the language changed. You see, Alia, Ancient Arabic is like Latin or Slavonic or Ancient Greek. It is different from the Arabic spoken today. And while some Arabs can understand it, many people will not. Everyone knows to read and recite the Quran, but almost nobody knows what actually is written inside. Children learn to read and recite from a young age. I don't contest that there are miracles and Allah is helping people understand, but not everybody".
I take another inhale from my cigarette, let the smoke out, then continue.
"The same was in the Christian World. The Bible was written in Slavonic in the Orthodox Church or in Latin in the Catholic Church. Also, praying was done in those languages. So, people had no idea what the truth is. How do you explain such insane actions, as holy wars and crusades? Then came Martin Luther, who translated the Bible into Germanic. From that point, every German citizen that knew how to read, was able to read the Bible and search the truth by itself. For me, it was a revelation when I could read the Quran in English, on the internet. Yes, it is a difficult book and you can puzzle your mind for a long time, trying to understand. It is far better to ask for help, to understand certain chapters. I might say, it is sometimes as difficult to understand as the bible, which, despite those endless genealogies that got me bored, contains many wise examples for life and is sometimes impossible for me to understand. Well, for both books you must look at the time they were wrote".
He is so surprised to hear this.
"You mean you read the bible?"
"Yes, I did. And I did read many stories from all religions I could find. Well, if we talk about Islam, here is what I strongly respect: No alcohol, no drugs and no gambling. These 3 huge sins are strongly forbidden in my life".
"Nicotiana, since you know so much, what the Quran says about women? Why Muslims are beating and treating women like this?"
"Well, the Quran says loud and clear that a man can beat his wife only on the back and only in a way that will not harm her. Also, a woman must be beaten when there is NO OTHER WAY, no other solution. For example, when you, as a man, see your wife tries to suicide or do something very bad. I understand that and accept that, but there is no place, in the whole book, where it is said that women should be treated in a bad way".
"I never imagined this", he says.
"You also must put things into their age. You see, in that time, polygamy was frequent, both at Jews and Arabs. So, Mohamed accepted Muslims to have up to four wives. But we live in a different society now. And there is no way the Prophet would have accepted a harem".
"But most Sultans had that!"
"Also, there are many things. The Prophet fought both against alcohol and drugs, naming them 'intoxication'. And in the same way, against gambling. About these things, he said: 'There is little profit and great sin, but the sin is far greater then the profit'. You see? It is said that, about alcohol, he said once that 'it takes so much of intoxication to kill the body, but so little to kill the soul' and after he said that, people in Mecca were throwing their barrels of wine on the streets. And wine started to flow on the streets like rivers. Well, it only takes a visit to Mecca and you are a completely different person. At least it worked for me".
"You've been there?"
"Yes. After all, I am an official Muslim. What amazed me there, more then everything, is that people, rich or poor, black or white, get dressed in white suits and are equal. No difference. But I think we talked enough. We should go, to keep the schedule".
We continue our trip. The path now goes down, towards the Hexagon Valley. There are 12 valleys in the Land Of The Mountains, each one hosting different villages and people speaking a different language or dialect. Here, the rocks are some sort of black and dark blue. They are large, massive chunks of rock, fragmented. A close look reveals stratification. Alia - Atan shows me that these rocks were formed by sedimentation, then they went deep inside the Earth's crust, where they were exposed to high pressures, to become solid. We walk between some large boulders. Then, we reach a large plateau, some sort of terrace, covered with forest. The path continues along a river, down to a spectacular waterfall. Then, we enter deep into the forest. Rocks become a bit reddish here.
"Iron ore", says Alia - Atan. "So many minerals are here and so little is extracted".
We continue and reach a pasture, then again we are in the forest. We keep going, until we reach a dry valley. Then, we reach a small river, that flows through a deep gorge, from a waterfall to another. Soon, its valley gets larger. Here, we see a lake, partially silted. There is a dam downstream, about 30 meters high, made of concrete. We stop here and I take Alia - Atan to an abandoned building nearby, which has no door left.
"We need to change here", I say. And we change clothes. He now gets dressed as a man, with grey trousers and a white shirt. I change my green dress with a white blouse and black pants that reach to my knee. Also, we change our summer hats with something more common here. I take a hijab to cover my head, while he takes a fancy hat that covers all the hair and sun glasses. With an earring in one of his ears, he will look like an adventurer and I will look like his Muslim wife. Well, not many people know me here. Nobody knows him, anyway. But I know the place. "Remember, I am Aisha, your wife. And you are Abdullah, my husband. We are from the Land Of Nomads. It is not polite for me to speak. You know what you have to do. We get to the main pub of the village and ask for a big bottle of cola and two glasses. Then, you ask for something to drink, like Vodka. We pretend to be drinking, so I can listen what people say. Then, we go to my friend, Inah".
What I forgot, is to bring him socks. So, if anyone looks very close, can see that he has pantyhose. Well, someone must be very careful to see this.
After the dam, we find an old road, partially destroyed by water flowing. And in an hour, we reach the village. It looks a bit similar to our village, only that the valley is more narrow. I know my way around here. Not soon and we are in the center. We enter the largest pub. I take a seat at a table in the middle, while Atan orders a big cola and two glasses. Very good. We drink fast two glasses of cola, then fill two others. Then, Atan orders a glass of something heavy, with much alcohol.
I know what I have to do. I listen to everyone, to see if they say something about a new opportunity of work, about a new kind of crops, anything. And we smoke. But, because we don't want people to see our handmade cigarettes, we buy a pack.
"There is nothing original in here", says Atan. "This is not real cola. It tastes horrible".
"What do you expect in here?" I answer.
When there is nobody in the bar, he pours the alcohol into the bottle of cola. Then, orders a new glass. And we do this a few times. He only touches the drink with his lips, not drinking anything but cola. Well, we stay about two hours like this. Then, he pays for all and we go out.
I listen to everyone. But, once, I notice some guys that come here and look like Muslims from the Land Of Nomads, but speak a dialect that is used in the Land Of Sands. Too bad I don't understand much of what they are saying.
We now head to the house where my friend Inah lives. It is a house similar to mine. We enter directly. Inah is older then me, about 35. She has natural hair and is dressed in working clothes. She is working in her garden. When we come, I take my hijab away. When she sees me, she comes and hug us both. I tell her who he is. Immediately, she takes us to the kitchen and gives us something to eat. Like anyone in these villages, she cooks things based on milk and cheese, vegetables, bread and eggs. After we finish eating, we all light cigarettes and start talking.
"What a pleasant surprise, Ana! It's been so long since you last came here".
"I am happy to see you too", I say. "How is Altha?" (Altha is her husband).
"Not good at all. He is very sick. Liver problems".
"I am sorry to hear that", I say.
"Because of drinking", she says, almost crying.
"Can we help him?" I ask.
"I've been to Jupiter and talked to a few doctors, but I don't know. They say some medicine could help, but it is too expensive. And none of us has a job".
"How much?" asks Atan.
"About 80 $", she says.
"We can help you", I say. "I think we can. Don't we have that money, Atan?"
"We do have", he answers. "Give them, if you wish".
I give her the equivalent of 100 $. She is so happy that starts crying.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" she asks.
"Actually, there is, Inah", I answer. "But please, what we say, must remain here. Nobody must know, not even your shadow".
"I will not tell".
We tell her why we are here, that we suspect Sanders are here and that Sicily has plans to extend his emporium away from the Land Of Sands here. I told her that Stromboli sent us here to investigate. And she tells us about something, about a house nearby, where she has seen something unusual. That person gets lots of money without an explanation and uploads and downloads a lot of staff on trains. A lot of packages. Also, she says that the electricity bill is extremely high for that house, which is so unusual. People here have lights in each rooms and a TV set, nothing more. So, why would someone use so much energy?
About unusual plants, she knows nothing. About unusual people, she also knows nothing. But then she remembers that she has seen an unusual number of strangers, coming to the central pub to drink, then going by train back.
Then, we go to see Altha, her husband. He is sick in the house, on bed, accusing some pain. She is feeding him, washing him, taking care of him in any way she knows.
But we cannot stay much longer. We plan to take a closer look.
"If you need anything from us, just tell", I say to her. "And if you find out anything new, tell us".
"I will", she says.
We travel to the house she showed us and take a look, just by passing on the road in front of it. Yes, there is something strange. Firstly, the house is surrounded by a fence that does not allow you to see anything inside. Secondly, we can hear sounds that are not familiar. Those sounds repeat continuously, like some sort of equipment is working. Well, my plan here, changes a bit. Behind the house, there is the river. So, why don't we just pretend that Atan is sick from too much alcohol and needs to throw-up? So, we follow a path that borders two properties, to the river. He leans down to the water and tries to wash his face, while I help him. But my eyes are in fact watching the house and the things around it. What is this about? I see some big metal objects, something making smoke (so, there is a fire) and a few metal pipes, including a few that reach the river. I also notice some steam.
I have no idea what this thing is doing here. But I notice one person or two. They didn't see us.
Well, we don't want trouble. So, we move away from here. This time, we get out to the forest, where we will change again. Now, it is time for Atan to become Alia again. If this works fine, we will get home safe, by train. Only that this time Alia will be much older and I will be her son. I have to dress like a child.
And here we go! Now Alia is wearing a green hijab, a dark red blouse and a dark brown skirt, with dark pantyhose. He has platform shoes. In order to look older, I apply him a strident red lipstick and a lot of make-up around his eyes. His nails are made dark red. The apply of dark colors make him looking older. I am dressed like a boy, with a white shirt and jeans. But again, I forgot to take socks, so if someone looks close to my feet, will notice I have pantyhose.
I go back to the local railway station. They use a similar system of communication, with radio beeps. We get in the train and leave. I take a sit close to the window, as a boy would do, while he takes a sit close to me. He pays my ticket, as a mother would do. Unnoticed by anyone, we go to Jupiter, our capital city.
The railway here, is as damaged as the railway where I work. Only that this line does not transport coal. Trains here carry wood from the upstream forests. With a massive lack of roads, trains here carry all the cargo and passengers.
In Jupiter, we go to our train. Our first stop is in the toilette, before the train departs, as it is still empty. We change clothes and make-up back to what we had before. I have my favorite green dress, with a white leaf on its top. I have smooth shiny pantyhose, with sport shoes. Alia has a yellow dress, with a large red umbrella on its top. He also has smooth shiny pantyhose and sport shoes. We look like two girls returning from a sunbath. As the train prepares to depart, I start to make plans, about all we've seen. But, suddenly, something happens. We hear screaming on the platform.
"I'll kill you!" shouts somebody.
There are two men in a fight.
"You die for what you've done!" shouts the other one.
"You own me money!"
"I owe you nothing!"
They are fighting down there, while people try to avoid them. Nobody interferes with them.
"Oh mine! Shouldn't they go to a forest or a field, if they have something to share?" says someone in the train, not too far away from us.
Fights are common here, like anywhere in these mountains. At some point, the two move away one from the other. Good that we managed to get out without a problem. I know I will have to write a detailed report to Stromboli and send it to him by train somehow.
Our train departs and soon we are back home. Abida waits us, nervous to return to her house. We get back to our home, eat and go to the house.
"I don't understand anything", says Alia. "What was that building?"
"I also don't know. All I know is that it is unusual. Well, it's doing something it should not do. But this is not our part. Stromboli will work further from here".
"What will he do?"
"Sometimes, you have to let something die, if you want the rest to survive".
*****************************************
Time has passed. We find out, thanks to Inah, that the mysterious building is in fact making cola and nothing else. Maybe Stromboli had a wrong information. But it is true that a group of refugees from the Land Of Sand has moved there. They are only refugees, nothing else.
For me, there is another lesson from this trip. I might have more the personality of a man then that of a woman, but for the first time in my life I was dressed as a man. It looks like this is the best I can get as a man: a child. Being shorter, there is no way I could become a real man. I didn't like to be a boy. If I could be a real man, to take matters into my own hands, it would have been much better. If somehow we were to change genders, Alia can behave as my mother, of 35, but I will be just a teen-ager, at 15. All my life I thought that for a woman, to become a man, it is very simple, while in fact, it isn't. We women are shorter (and I am particularly short). My breasts are small so I can hide them, but there is no way I can make the biceps of a man. How much gym should a woman practice in order to become a transgender? How many transformations? Much more then men. A woman with large breasts will have no way other then surgery, to remove her breasts before going further. And still I don't know what to do with the voice. Well, my underage smoking did something for me, changing my voice into more bass, but still I have the voice of a woman. No matter how much I smoke, I will not have the voice of a guy. And for the last and final transformation, I yet don't know how and if it is possible to create a penis for a woman. I know that by using hormones the clitoris becomes a small penis, but not a real one. And all your life, you have to take doses of testosterone.
A woman that becomes a man must work so hard, that it is far too much for me. If I become a man, I am someone at the bottom of any hierarchy. Many men are not smart, especially when they think with their balls. They use their excessive force to prove their superiority, not their brains. At this point, I think it is far better for me to be a woman, to prove my superiority to them.
I always thought that for a woman to become a man, all what is needed is to wear some clothes, a fake beard and a fake mustache. And I thought that achieving that is very easy. Now, I clearly see the opposite. After this trip, something of me died. I am now a woman in all aspects. Instead of being a nobody in men word, it is better to shine above them as a woman.
But what is Alia - Atan? A man? A woman? Something between. I have to work on him, to make him something better. As I've seen on the internet (and partially at him), a transgender tries to wear more strident make-up, more sexy clothes, without paying attention to details. It is not enough to wear a skirt and pantyhose to become a woman. He needs to learn how to match the colors, how to match the tiny aspects to be pretty.
When a man dresses as a woman, he becomes more aged, more powerful (compared to the force of a woman), more sexy, but never as pretty as a woman. He is the only exception I know. Well, this is because I select his clothes and I help him with make-up and his hair. But he is starting to understand. He is becoming more woman, without forgetting that he is a man and will remain this way. He is, in fact, trying to become a copy of me.
*****************************************
Now, I need to say a few words about Inah. She is about 10 years older then me. She felt in love with her husband, Altha. At that time, she was a simple worker in a furniture factory, while he was second in command. Altha's parents advised him to marry a richer woman and he did as they told him. They stayed together for a few years, but they were like two carpets in a room. they were not made one for each other, not talking, not doing anything. At some point, they divorced. Then, Altha turned his attention towards Inah. They started to be friends.
At that point, Altha had no idea that Inah is a sfenist. She became a sfenist in the same way I did, as a result of sexual abuse, but as she was a teen-age. Inah showed him a strong love, with very much affection. She always tried all she could to make him happy. Unfortunately, everything almost crashed when they went to bed. There was almost no way Inah could make love with him. But, because she was showing such a powerful spiritual love to him. Altha accepted her the way she was. One could argue that despite being a strong spiritual love between them, they suffered a lot because it was almost impossible to have sex. But it is not true. They formed a very strong family and even managed to have one child.
Yes, Altha suffered, but he released his tensions by starting to drink. Not much, but day after day, his liver started to suffer. When he was sick, Inah did everything she could do, to help him. Quite everything. He suffered many years, but she was always there, near him, helping him with such a devotion that I've never seen to any wife in our villages. She never betrayed him, she never took money from their home, she was never angry to him, she accepted all his problems and fought as hard as she could to help him, until his last say. Altha died at some point, I don't remember when. What I remember is that she then directed all her love and affection to their child, helping him to establish a family.
What is also to be noted, is that Altha never cheated Inah. He also understood what is to be a sfenist. He appreciated her spiritual love and devotion that went beyond anything.
Today, Altha is dead. Even after 5 years, there is no day when Inah is not going to his tomb. She is now a grandmother and takes good care of her 3 grandchildren.
Her example shows that it is possible for a sfenist to form a family with a non-sfenist, if their relation is based on real, spiritual love and not on sensual love. And she is not the only example I know. But again, in order for such a relation to succeed, something in us must first die, so that the rest will survive.
When you pull a sheep out of its flock, it will instantly try to get back. When a sheep is alone, it does not eat anything. It just makes noise, calling any nearby sheep. Its eyes scan the horizon, looking for any sign of a flock of sheep. When it sees a flock around, it runs towards them as fast as it can. No animal suffers more from loneliness then the sheep. By looking at a lonely sheep, one can realize how much lonely people are suffering.
The Wiseman
It is now summer. In every day, right after the morning trains depart, I take water from the river with a bucket and bring it to my plants, to the whole garden. All plants need water, but the tobacco needs more. It always makes me laugh, that this plant needs water to make fire. Soon, we will be collecting its leaves and will be making handmade cigarettes.
I take the last cherries from the trees in my garden. There are so many things to do with them. We make syrup, jam, but not only. I know to do cookies with them. I have cookies at every meal, because I love to make them. Well, not only that. I like to improvise. Why not to make other things with them? they can be combined with other vegetables to get lunch. It has a strange, curious taste. I like it and I think so does Alia - Atan. Sometimes I talk with him about the foods he used to eat in the Civilized World. Unfortunately, it is impossible for me to do that. Firstly, we don't grow pigs, so pork meat is out of discussion. Secondly, we don't eat fish. In our history, when we lost a great war, millions of people were forced to leave these mountains, to the land Beyond The Sands. Many of them moved by water and more then half died on the sea. From those who managed to reach that place, more then half died of starvation. We associate that tragic genocide with the symbol of the fish. We never eat fish, for that reason, all of us who somehow managed to remain here.
There are many differences between the food we eat here and what you see in the Civilized World. I remember from his parents, what a luxurious kitchen they have. So many tools were there! Here, we don't even have a fridge. We cook using wood fire, which is the cheapest. No gas tanks, no sink with flowing water, no luxury that I've seen there. I remember that his parents have electronic devices for mixing ingredients and for slicing food. Alia - Atan told me about an electric boiler they have, that produces hot water in the kitchen. When he told me that it is only 5 kg, I didn't believe him. Instead, I searched the internet to see with my own eyes. And in the bathroom, they have a shower with its own boiler. There, water is heated by gas, from a separate gas tank. I would like to take his parents here, to see how we heat water and how we wash in a plastic basin, pouring water with a sponge. We have no bathroom, we wash in the kitchen. Anyway, their kitchen is as large as my whole house.
There is another thing, that I don't believe even now. Alia - Atan said that they have a fountain and a water pump, connected with a network of hoses, that go throughout the garden. And each hose has holes, so that water drops at each plant. I don't believe that! They are rich, but who can spend so much money on that? Who can pay so much electricity, to pump all that water? And the price of all hoses, the pump and all equipment, will fall far below the price of food produced.
Alia - Atan told me about the tools they use in agriculture. They have a device with its own engine, that prepares the ground before planting seedlings. I searched the internet by the brand he said... well, it is about 1500 $. 15 times my salary! How much money those people waste? I really cannot understand how they can live in that luxury. And they say it is not enough. They are not satisfied. Oh mine! Why is not a comet falling over them? So much greed in this world!
Honestly, I am very happy in these mountains. And why not? In the Land Of Dictators, people in the rural area are starving, despite the elite in their capital living in luxury. In the Land Of Sands, it is not good, too. And in the Land Of Fire, people die of starvation and of war. Christians are crucified, women are raped and sold, while Muslim men work to extermination. I would like to take someone from the Civilized World to those places and force it to live there a month.
Another thing that I never understood is what I see in American movies: a man with a shotgun shouting at you 'Get out of my property!' - this always makes me laugh. Well, I've never been that far and I will never have the money for a trip out there. Here, in these mountains, even if you get to a hidden contraband camp, people will never do that to you. They will first presume that you are lost and will try to help you. They will offer you something to eat and a bed to sleep. People walk through my garden. Children move to any garden they want and eat fruits. Here, it is quite the opposite. It is considered that you have to help a lost person. You have to be a good guest. If someone walks around your garden, want to eat some fruits and doesn't it is considered a sign of disrespect.
If anyone would offer me anything, in any place on planet Earth, I will refuse. No! This is my home and I will not move even for all the gold in the known Universe.
***********************************************************
Well, soon the evening trains will come. Atan will arrive from the mine. Everything is done in the house. Food is ready, new clothes are in the house, everything is prepared. It has been a hot day. Even if the evening is coming, the air is still hot. Both in the house and the kitchen, the air is too hot.
When the train went to the mine, it was about 40 minutes late. Now, it returns with about 30 minutes away from schedule. Also the noon trains were late. There is something that I don't know. The train enters my station and Tesla, the engineer, screams to me:
"Ana, let me go, I am late!"
"What's happening?" I ask.
"The line is twisted at Himalia. I hardly managed not to derail!"
"Go, Tesla! I will signal the stations after you go", I say.
I immediately signal him to go, then I enter the station, to radio signal upstream and downstream stations. Oh no! This is a nightmare! The old rail sleepers are no longer resisting. Wooden sleepers have rotten, while concrete sleepers have cracked. In some places, distance between rails is changing... You don't need to be an expert in railways to realize that if rails are not aligned at the same distance, trains will derail. Soon, a train will derail and there will be no trains for a while, until the mine will spend some money to repair the rail.
We get to the kitchen and eat. Then, we go to the house. It was a hot day today. All the heat has accumulated in the house. It is that kind of heat when you want to sleep with nothing to cover your body and still will sweat.
I take a small green blouse, with no sleeves, that lets my belly uncovered. Also, I wear a small green skirt. For this weather, I take shiny, sheer pantyhose, with green plastic sandals. Now, almost all my feet are exposed. My pantyhose rise a bit above my skirt. Atan changes and becomes Alia. He wears a black blouse, that covers his fake breasts. He has a short black skirt, like mine. His feet are also covered in sheer shiny pantyhose and like at me, they rise a bit above his skirt. He has white plastic sandals. These sheer pantyhose require some sort of shoes even while walking in the house, if you don't want to rip them. We both have painted our hair back in green. And not only the hair, also our nails are green, both at the fingers and at the toes.
Also, I add a little make-up on him. A soft, shiny lipstick and some powder around his eyes and he looks just like a woman. I also do the same, but with a lipstick that is a bit more red.
We talk a bit about what happened at the mine and about the railway. It looks like everyone knows that the railway will not be functional for long. When trains will be unable to move, the mine will be closed until the rail is repaired.
We light a cigarette. And we try what we did many times, the smoky kiss. He takes his lips close to mine and touches my lips. I open my lips and allow the smoke to get in. I slowly inhale it, then allow the smoke to get out of my body both through mouth and nostrils. Then, I take an inhale and try to give the smoke to him, through a kiss. He touches my lips and receives my smoke. But, unlike previous times, we do this using a single cigarette and we both smoke from it.
Many things have changed. In past, if a boy offered me a smoke from his cigarette, it would have made me a repulsion, even an anger against it. But with Alia, all is different. I like it. I like to feel the little moisture on a cigarette, as he gives it to me. Even the fact that I see his lipstick on a cigarette, is not a problem for me. I watch as our lipsticks merge on the filter.
But, there is a single man that can touch me and that one is Alia - Atan. Nobody is ever allowed to do so. The same repulsion I feel for any other man.
I put my feet in his lap and lean down, with my head on a pillow. I allow him to touch my feet, to massage them. The only difference is that now it is very hot and there is some sweat on them. But even so, he touches them and massages me. I like that feeling. And even more, we talk and while we talk we change cigarettes between us, while my feet are still on his lap. We talk about the railway, about the many technical problems it has. As I stay on my back, I can see his head and I can see him smoking. My smoke is rising up in the room.
Then, we change seats. I start to massage his feet. I notice also some sweat absorbed by his pantyhose. In past, this is something I would never accept, but I don't feel repulsion. I can touch and massage his feet without a problem.
The days are far longer now. The night train should arrive here before getting dark, but it is nowhere to be seen. We move to the station. What if Almathea station forgot to radio-contact us? Is the train moving blind?
We are in the railway station. We sit on the bench, outside, breathing the evening cooler air. Actually, we are breathing some air, but also some smoke, as we immediately light our cigarettes. Alia moves his hand to my back, down to the top of my pantyhose. I try the same. I know that I must not touch the upper part of his back. And I manage to feel the smooth fabric, just 2 cm above from his skirt. We stay like this, while it gets dark. Then, at some point, we hear the radio signal. The train is coming and is over an hour late.
Soon, the train comes, struggling to catch-up time. I radio upstream and downstream stations before the train arrives, then, as it stops and a few passengers step down, I signal it to go. The train should arrive at 9.33 PM, but it is 11.28 now.
We return to the house and we go to sleep. At 3 AM, like always, I wake for the night train to go downstream. The train comes as usual. do my job and the train continues its route. Something tells me that this time it will derail. Unlike other days, I don't return to sleep. I stay out and hear the radio beeps from Almathea station, as the train reaches it. Then, I return home, but without sleeping. I have a feeling. In the end, I start sleeping, somehow, but not for long. The first rays of dawn wakes me up. And so does Alia - Atan. I have to prepare breakfast.
And just as I am in the kitchen, I hear the radio beeping. This time, it is different. It is not the same signal used for an approaching train. I hurry to the station, where I have a chart depicting all letters in Mores code and a sheet of paper to write it. The radio beeps again, this message:
AL CA PT CANCEL DERAIL (Almathea to Callisto, passenger train cancelled, derailed).
Then, a second message comes:
AL CA PLEASE CONFIRM (Almathea to Callisto, please confirm).
I write the message: CA AL CONFIRMED. Then, I receive this message: AL CA NO TRAINS TODAY PLEASE CONFIRM. I answer: CA AL CONFIRMED LINE CLOSED. I notify Ganymede, the upstream station: CA GA PT CANCEL DERAIL. I send the message again. Then, I receive a message from Ganymede: GA CA PLEASE REPEAT. I send a message: CA GA PT CANCEL DERAIL, then CA GA NO TRAINS TODAY PLEASE CONFIRM. I receive the message: GA CA CONFIRM NO TRAINS TODAY.
Alia comes to the station and I tell him what is going on. The repeated beeps can be heard almost in the entire village. They are a signal for everyone that a train is coming, only that most people don't understand the beeps. People start coming to the station, thinking the train is earlier today.
What amazes me is that Alia - Atan is now dressed as Alia, with a black top and short black skirt and with pantyhose, but people don't say anything about him. They now got used to this situation. We explain them what happened. It takes time until the hour when the train should really come.
Then, the radio beeps again, a long message: JUPITER TO EVERYONE LINE IS CLOSED TODAY MINE CLOSED TODAY EVERYONE FREE TODAY EVERY STATION TO CONFIRM. As always, message is repeated. This is our protocol. First, we send a long 'tone' signal, then the message. Then, we wait a bit (about twice the time needed to write the message) and repeat it. When I hear it for second time, I radio Ganymede, the upstream station. I do it as should be done, repeating the message. Then, I signal to Almathea, the following message: CA AL JUPITER CONFIRMED LINE CLOSED MINE CLOSED. It then takes 4 minutes, until I hear message from Ganymede: GA CA JUPITER CONFIRMED NO TRAIN TODAY MINE CLOSED. I send the message downstream to Almathea, to be further sent to Jupiter. It takes other four minutes and I get another message: EUROPA GA CA JUPITER CONFIRMED TRAIN DERAILED ALL CLOSED. I send the message to Almathea, to be forwarded all the way to Jupiter. And finally, the mast message: IO GA CA JUPITER CONFIRMED WE CLOSE THE MINE TODAY.
We all get a free day! Well, people, hearing all the beeps, keep coming to the station. They ask us over again what is happening. We explain everyone that the railway is closed. We go home and eat breakfast, then come and stay up to the hour when the morning train should return from the mine, to tell any passengers to go home. Nobody comes. The news have spread through the village. Everyone knows now that the line is closed today.
Since we are both free today, we go back to house and decide to go for a walk in the mountains. Not far from here, just a small walk. I take my favorite green dress, the one with a white leaf in its front. Alia takes another green dress, with something written in yellow on it. We take our sandals and head for a lake. there are a few dams built on a few streams not far from where we are. 30 years ago, there were plans to build a complex hydro energy power plant, with a lot of dams and many tunnels in these mountains, but the project was long left abandoned. Many people go to the larger reservoirs to take a bath in summer. I prefer a small lake, which not many people visit. It takes two hours to reach it. Built on a stream that barely flows in summer, the lake is 50 meters long and deep enough to swim in it. The dam is made of concrete and large enough to support a lake twice this size. Water flows through a pipe that should reach another dam in another valley, but it's broken somewhere at the middle. There are trees all around the lake, but there is a shore, where you can stay, very close to the water. We also decide to take some food with us, if we stay too much, as well as a small carpet to sit on it.
We reach the lake and find the best place to sit. We put the carpet down and sit on it. Taking out our plastic sandals, we let our feet to touch the water. I watch how a few small waves get formed and feel the smooth mixture of clay and sand that we touch. There is nobody here. And nobody will actually come here. There is no path or trail to this lake, you have to go directly through forest. It is not hot. The trees allow only a few rays of light to reach us.
We both light a cigarette and hold it with one hand. With the other hand, we are hanging each other. Our hands are now exploring our back. We do this for the first time in our lives. We touched our pantyhosed feet many times. We touched our hands and we exchanged smoke. We touched our lips and our face. Except for a few kisses and the fact that we hug each other, there is not more. Now, we touch our backs. I feel his hand exploring me. He gently moves his fingers and gets to the top of my pantyhose. And I do the same. Our feet meet in the water. Only that this time, it is wet pantyhose on wet pantyhose. The water gets a bit dirty, as we repeatedly touch the bottom of the lake. I also see some fish in the water.
We both light a cigarette again. With one hand, we hold the cigarettes, while with the other hand, we hug each other.
"This is my secret place", I say, after many minutes of silence.
"It is unique", he says.
"Not many people know it. This is the most lonely place in the forest".
"Thank you for taking me here".
"There are so many wonders in this world. This one is so quiet".
He takes a deep inhale, then says:
"You picked the most intimate place in these mountains".
"This is the place where I used to spend even hours, when I was a child", I say, taking another inhale. "And after all this time, I still come here. This lake has shared all my happy thoughts and all my tears. This is where I hided when that infidel destroyed my life. The lake knows all. all the cigarettes I smoked on its shore, nobody knows how many... are in here. The lake has been my hidden friend for such a long time".
"Nicotiana, it is a honor for me that you brought me here".
"You are the only one. I never took anyone here. Most people don't even know about this lake. It is said that it should not even be built. It was the ambition of an architect, who wanted to divert every river to the power plant".
I take another dose of smoke from my cigarette, slowly letting it out of my mouth.
"Many times I smoked here, just where we sit now. Here I laughed and here I cried. Like I said, Alia, this is my secret place".
I inhale again, then let the smoke out through my nostrils.
"Please, don't tell anyone about this place. I want it to be as it is".
"I won't, Nicotiana. You know I won't. And I will never go here again without you".
"You are welcome to come, Alia. I trust you. A part of me lives in you and a part of you lives in me. I didn't take you here because you were not ready... and I was not ready too. But now I am and I think we both are".
"I've never been closer to anyone in my life", he says. "I long wanted to be with someone, but you know what happened each time. I will never betray you. I abandoned my past for you. And you did the same".
"I know", I say, letting smoke out, together with my words. "We've been through many things".
"I think this is just the beginning of a long story", he says, also exhaling smoke while speaking. "No woman in my whole life has shown so much affection. And not only to me. My former friends from the Civilized World should envy us. Just how many I've seen sad, depressed. Two of them even tried to suicide".
"Why?"
"Because they were with girls that wanted only money and nothing more then this. But the guys loved them. And when a girl found a richer man, she instantly abandoned him".
I look at him, thinking of this.
"Many rich guys tried to get to me. Stromboli, for example. But you know what happen. And I ask you this. Please speak sincerely. What happiness would have awaited me with one like Stromboli? Supposed I was not a sfenist. Was there any happiness?"
"Except for money and a good life, no".
"Will that good life last long? At some point, they look for another girl. And what pleasure is that, to be with someone only for money? If I wanted money, I would have stopped you from getting citizenship. I could have used your money when we got to your parents. But no. I did a job for Stromboli, to get money".
"And even if one day I will get fired from the mine?" he asks.
"You still think that love is about money?"
"No. Real love has nothing to do with money or with sensual love. I realized it a month ago, when we went to Inah. At that moment, I realized all. How strong was her love? How much affection! For Inah, she was ready even to sacrifice her life, to save her husband's". She takes another inhale, then speaks: "Most guys will never understand this, but the real love goes through all walls and beyond all limits".
He takes another inhale, then says: "Were have you been, Nicotiana? All those years I was lonely, I dreamed about this ideal love, but I never found anyone. I never knew that far here, at the End Of The World, I will find you. I ran away and found you".
I look carefully in his eyes. I see a lot of affection, but almost no passion. Every single cell in his body is paying attention to me. Every single cell in his body is... Oh mine!
"With other words, you say that you love me", I say, with a smile.
"Yes, I love you", he answers. "I do. And I will do anything it takes to make you happy. I am ready even to kill myself for you".
I look at his green dress, at his green face, at his share pantyhose. He did anything possible to become a copy of me.
"I love you too", I say.
We finish our cigarettes and drop them in the water, as I did so many times. Then, we touch both our hands. We move our hands up to each other's shoulder. Then, we move our hands on each side of our body. He carefully avoids my breasts and my neck and I do the same. As we move down, we touch our stomach. For the first time in my life, I feel where is the belly of a man, with my fingers. What is really incredible, is that I am comfortable doing this and my body accepts him. He feels the place where my pantyhose starts and moves slowly to my feet, avoiding my genitals. I also move my hand to his feet, just in the same way, to the end of his green dress. As we move our hands lower, to the knees, our heads come much closer one with the other, until our hairs touch.
I take my hands out and look at him. He does the same thing. Then, in the next second, we kiss. It is first a short kiss, followed by a longer one, then a third one, even longer. Our bodies come even closer and we kiss again, while our hands explore our bodies. Then, he twitches and tries to pull away from my hands.
"You touched my back", he says, lighting a cigarette.
"Sorry, I had no intention", I answer, lighting a cigarette too.
"I am sorry to move like this".
"No problem, next time I will be more careful".
He is shaking. Oh, this is my fault. These are the stigmatas of a sfenist. We will have to carry them all our lives. I need to find something to solve the problem and fast.
"How about a swim in the lake?" I say.
"Here? Now?" he says. "If you want, I'll do it".
"Take on your sandals. There are rocks down there".
I take my sandals and move in the water, which rises to my knees.
"Shouldn't we first undress?" he asks.
"No", I say. "After all, it is summer. Come on!"
I move deeper into the lake, while he takes his sandals and comes after me. The water is not hot and not cold. A few fish swim around us.
"Just light two cigarettes from the shore and bring me one!" I say.
He does just as I said and comes with two cigarettes. I open my mouth as he puts one there, then, trying to imitate me, he takes the other one in his mouth. We go deeper in the water. I know the lake. The shore is covered with sand and clay. Deeper, you find stones that are not pleasant to walk on. Then, in the center and mostly close to the tail, there is a soft mud. Close to the dam, water is deep and anyone could swim.
We move deeper into the lake. Now, only my head is above water. Alia is higher then me. But, as he comes closer, leans deeper into the water, so that he is at the same height with me. And we stay there, in the water, for pretty long time. Slowly, our cigarettes burn, as the ash falls on the water and clouds of smoke get out of our mouths. Then, we drop the filters in the water.
I get deeper and start to swim. It is this lake where I learned to swim. I never did this in any other place. I am happy to see that he also knows to swim. This does not take long and we decide to return to the shore, holding each other by hand.
We move back to the carpet, with our clothes wet. Our dresses now stick to our skin and have become translucent. His fake breasts are now smaller and not as firm as should be. I start to feel cold.
"Nicotiana, you are getting cold", he says, as he starts to pick dry branches from the ground.
"Yes, but this cooled the heat of the day", I answer. "What are you doing?"
"I want to make a fire", he says. "You might get a cold".
"Not near the lake", I say. "The campfire will ruin the landscape!"
"Then, I will build it somewhere else".
"Ok", I say. "How about below the dam?"
As he moves, I can see through his dress his fake breasts and his underwear. I realize that he can see my body too. We move downstream, where I made fire a few times before. The dam is 15 meters high. Downstream, the valley is dried. I see the water pipe that starts from the dam and know it very well. About 1 km further away, it is broken and water falls back in this valley. We are not going there. Just close to the dam, there are a few chunks of concrete. And between them, I used to make a fire. I sit on a piece of concrete, while he makes the fire fast. We stay here, face to face. I am sure that as my skirt became translucent, he seen my bra and underwear. I notice him looking at me, but when I look at him, he points at something else.
"I know what you were looking at", I say.
"Sorry", he says.
"No, you don't need to be sorry. Just look at what is happening!"
He now looks at me, without hiding.
"It is the lake that did this to us", I say. "Or maybe it is Actit, working through the lake and telling us to continue".
He looks amazed at what I say. Then, he says:
"If this is the work of Actit, then we should..." he stops and thinks. "Maybe no. I will say it anyway. We should not hide our bodies..."
"You mean we should show one each other our bodies?" I ask him.
"Maybe not yet, but we should at some point".
We stay close to the fire and we light another cigarette. We practice the smoky kiss. Everything goes well, until at one point I don't give him only smoke. I also give him my gum. Realizing that he might breath it in and might die, I instantly move myself away, with a desperate look.
"Stop!" I scream.
He stops, with my gum hanging between his teeth. He is also scared by this unexpected event.
"Chewing gum?" he asks. "I had no idea you were chewing gum".
"I do", I answer. "I always do".
"I've noticed that your lips sometimes are moving, but I thought that you move like this, just like some people are shaking their hands or lips".
"Give it back to me", I say, taking it from his mouth. "Well, it is a long story. When I started school, I needed something to hide the smell of cigarettes".
"I've never seen chewing gum around you. Never had any idea".
"Well, now you know", I answer. "At school, we were not allowed to chew gum in class. Teachers would put it in our hair. So, I got used to not chew, just to hold it in my mouth. And after all these years, I am still doing it. I could stop it a long time ago, but after all this time, the gum is like an extension of my tongue. I take a gum every day, when I wake-up. Not at the 3 AM train, when I start making breakfast, but you are usually still in bed at that time. When I eat, I put it in a pocket, then back in my mouth. I even don't sleep without it. Keeps the taste of tobacco away in the morning. And I always have some gum with me, just in case".
Then, I throw my gum in the fire and take two pieces of gum. I give him one.
"Here!"
**********************************************************
After our clothes are dried and the fire starts to fail, we return to the village, to our home. Once we arrive, I want to prepare lunch. Like always when he is home during the day, Alia is trying to help me with everything. We cook together. Then, we sit and relax, smoking a cigarette. Nearly ending it, we also do a smoky kiss.
"There is something else that we should try", says Alia.
"What should that be?" I ask.
"We have a smoky kiss. How about a gummy kiss?"
"That should be funny", I answer.
We touch our lips. I take his gum inside my mouth, then push mine into his mouth.
"I cannot believe that you never knew I always have chewing gum in my mouth!" I say, with a big smile.
"You are full of surprises. You are the definition of a surprise", he says.
"And you surprised me with the gummy kiss. Never knew that such thing exists".
"My own invention".
"Have you any other inventions?" I ask.
"I don't know, Nicotiana. Smoky kiss, gummy kiss... What else should be?"
"Should we try everything we put in our mouths?"
"If you want to, I will try".
As lunch is ready, we eat. My cherry invention meal seems to be a good thing. As we eat, I show him how each time I put my piece of gum in a pocket or somewhere on the furniture, for later. Also, I show him how each time I finish eating, I take it back.
We then have desert: cookies with cherries and milk. As I put the plate with cookies on the table, he laughs.
"What is it?" I ask.
"I was just thinking about a cookie kiss and a milky kiss", he answers.
"We could try", I say.
And we try this, too. Exchanging aliments between us is not the same thing, but still it is funny.
Then, evening comes. No evening trains are now going to the mine. We just change clothes again. Only that, this time, for the first time ever since we are together, we do this without hiding, both in the same room and in the same time. We don't look one at each other, but we do.
Later, when we go to sleep, after I put what remains from my cigarette into the ashtray, I blow a bubble of gum. How could he not observe this for such a long time? I think about all that happen today, about how our lives are getting transformed. Our psychologist said that our friendship will get stronger by the day and that there will be a lot of affection. What will be next?
When someone dies, the soul moves to the Afterlife, which is in a different world. Still, something remains here. Those who passed away, somehow still live here, through the things they did and left to us. This is what still keep them connected to our world and extends their lives among us, even if they are unseen for our eyes.
Legend Of The Legend
Summer is ending and autumn is starting. Now starts the most busy time of the year on the railway. From my railway station, starts a 9 km long industrial line, that goes to a coal quarry, which is opened only part of the year. Now, it is operational. Every morning, a few trains now travel on that line. It is a steep climbing and each train needs 3 diesel engines. These trains sometimes have a wagon for passengers, but usually people just jump on them and ride on the engines. Giving the fact that average speed is 10 km/h and the engineers usually reduce speed when people try to get aboard or jump down, it is very practical. Now, Alia - Atan works at this mine. I like to know him working closer, but I don't like that he works more time a day. His job, as a Geological expert, is to figure out where is the richest ore and how the miners can get there.
For me, it is not a busy time. It is such an easy job to work on the railway. When I hear the radio, I run to the station, because a train is coming. The only exception is when a train is coming from the nearby mine. They don't have a radio beeper. So, I just keep a rail line for them. When I hear a train coming from there, I run and see what is going on.
The rest of time, I spend on agriculture. I work in the garden. Now, people start harvesting tobacco. For this time of the year, I have a special place. It is a large metal roof, that heats in the sun. Beneath it, there is a plaque of concrete. There, I have supports with multiple shelves, made of metal grates. In addition, I take a lot of tobacco in the house. Above the rooms and under the roof, there is enough space to store many things. And because the roof heats-up, it is an ideal place for placing tobacco leaves to dry.
When it gets dried, I start making cigarettes. Some might think it is complicated, but it's not. There are many machines that do this. Some are small, for home use, some are larger and suitable for industrial use. The largest machines could fit into a room. My machine has the size of a small closet. It takes tobacco, smoothly grinds it, then adds a special substance on it, for little moisture. Then, it takes paper and filters and makes cigarettes. The machinery can adjust many of its properties. Even more, in the end, the machine assembles cigarettes into packs. I have this machine from Stromboli. For a long time it was his, but now it is mine. He gave it to me after I attacked him. Oh well, as one can see, you still need the ingredients. You need filters, cigarette paper and the tobacco. All these ingredients are for sale, anywhere around us.
There are two things that no machine does. First, you have to take each dried tobacco leaf into your hand and grind it. As you do so, you remove impurities, ribs and branches. And second, you have to do something about the filters. What actually makes a refined cigarette has its unique taste, is not the tobacco itself. It is the filter, more exactly the chemicals they add in the filter.
Children usually start smoking corn hair (I don't know the English translation for this word, it refers to the tiny filaments that extend from the corn female flower, before it starts making seeds). But what happens if you remove tobacco from a good cigarette and replace it with corn hair? If you try to smoke it, you get something like an average to bad cigarette.
One day I purchased a pack of original cigarettes. I replaced tobacco from one with my own production... and it was almost the same, even a bit smoother. Then, I put that original tobacco in a cigarette with a filter without any aroma... and it was worse then what used to be. So, this is the true. Tobacco has its nicotine, but you have to add flavor in the filter. It is not only that the cigarette paper and the pack must look like original ones (even the stamp, sometimes hologram stamps). The hardest work is that, with a syringe, you have to add flavor in each filter. Kent flavor, Pall Mall flavor, Marlboro flavor, Viceroy flavor, Virginia Slims flavor, Vogue flavor, everything. It must precisely be inserted in the center. Producing the best flavor is the most expensive part. Combined, cigarette paper, filters and 'fake' original packs cost as much as the tobacco itself, but the flavors are about 3 times more expensive. Producing them, is a job for Stromboli. He has his own men that do this, at an oil refinery, in the Land Of Nomads. We don't only produce copies of original brands, but also many of our own, which are largely sold in places around.
For me, I like to produce cigarettes with fruit flavors: banana, cherry, lemon, mint, vanilla, rose and other flowers. I directly purchase them from a food shop or a perfume shop in Jupiter. Also, many times I pulverize water with diluted sugar on tobacco. I know that I have to produce enough cigarettes for us, for my parents and for my sisters. We all smoke about 10 packs a day, that means about 3500 packs for an year. But I produce far more. In every day, I sent to Stromboli, by train, large boxes with cigarettes. People from the village sell their tobacco to me, while I sell most of it, usually in the form of packs, to Stromboli. And I am not the only one doing this.
Most people do this for money. I do this for passion and also I do this because I know that this will make many lungs happy. I am strongly convinced that smoking is a good thing that cannot harm anything. At least natural tobacco cannot do anything bad. The chemicals added in it are responsible to all you see on media. Smoking is good for your body, the chemicals will kill you. I always believed that.
*****************************************************
Not all days are like that. Suddenly, there are cold and rainy days, when you cannot do anything. And usually, those are the days when I stop working. In those days, I spend most of time on my laptop. I take it to the railway station.
In fact, even the house I live in, is not actually mine. It belonged to an old woman. Her children never returned here for over 40 years old. She was a good friend of my parents and we took care of her. She died 3 years ago. I moved in the house about an year ago, as she agreed to give it to me, but without any paperwork done. May peace be upon her soul.
And the laptop that I have is not actually owned. It has a very long history. I both it from a neighbor, for two sacks of tobacco leaves. He had no idea what it is. He said it is some sort of high-tech big smartphone. Actually, he got it from his wife, which went for work Beyond The Sands. She got it as a gift from a man that also worked there, but was from a complete different area. When I opened the laptop, I found out that it had programs in many different languages, but it looked like almost nothing was original on it. I realized what a treasure I found. This laptop can offer me a connection to the outside world. People here have cable TV, but on the TV you only see a few televisions, which are all liars. A TV connection is around 8 $, while an internet connection is the equivalent of 25 $, in our money. My salary is around 100 $. It is expensive, but worth for every coin.
What was really surprising, is that the first owner left a word file with all passwords and accounts. Many contained the word 'Daniel', while others contained the word 'Ana'. Well, I also am Ana. So, I started to use these accounts that contained the word 'Ana'. This is how I got a Google account, which otherwise would be impossible, since I have no phone.
Then, I thought that the laptop was stolen. Nobody tried to contact me as I used the 'Ana' accounts. So, I tried to contact the 'Daniel' accounts. I placed a message, saying that I got this laptop (and described the whole story behind). I also wrote my address. After a few days, I got an answer from a 'Daniel' account. The owner was so surprised to see that his laptop is here, so far away. He really was a guy named Daniel and he lived Beyond The Sea, in the Civilized World, but in another land then the one where Alia - Atan lived. He told me that Ana was his wife and she died. He could not lock her former accounts because he loved her. Even more, he told me to keep the laptop and all her accounts, as a gift to her soul. And even today, I still use her accounts and the new ones that I've made share the same name, her name. May peace be upon her soul.
**********************************************
This laptop came to me with many programs installed, including a virtual world, Second Life. Immediately, I started to explore. I heard about virtual worlds, but never had a chance to see one close. I became focused on Geography and exploration, not about getting new friends and chatting. What I soon found out, is that, in this world, people try to copy the real world more then to create imaginary words. And also, people use this virtual world in a different way: for virtual sex. Until that moment, I had no idea that such a thing exists.
In Second Life, I've seen many guys lurking for sex. But, like always, those infidels have no chance to get to me. I also have seen many fake couples: a man and a woman, but both controlled by the same person behind the screen. I thought what an incredible thing this is! A virtual romance, with an imaginary character! How many lonely people found their love in here? Even with a virtual character, they are not alone.
Then, as Alia - Atan came to my life and I've seen for the first time in my life a transgender, I focused on this subject. I've seen transgender people before in Second Life, but never focused on them. This is the best place to become a transgender. You just pick an avatar with another gender.
My research found that up to 20% of places in Second Life are sex-themed. I found out that about 20% of them are designed for sexual minorities.
LGBT people had even two continents: IGBC (International Gay Beach Party) and Mar Lesbiana
BDSM people have a lot of places to hangout. In those places, you can torture yourself or someone else as much as you want, because avatars don't die.
Third gender places exist. Some are created for furry creatures (half human, half animal), but a lot are for hermaphrodites (humans or animals). Sissy and shemale communities are found easy.
There is a place in Second Life, named Velvet Crossing or the Sissy Island. It looked like a fancy place for women to hangout, but I noticed that most of those women also had a penis. At that time, I did not know what a sissy is (the word does not exist in my language). I interrogated people from there, all were very friendly. Also, I found in many places, women with a penis. I took it all as a research. It is impossible to know the real identity of the account owner, but it appeared that the vast majority were men to me. I also found a few women. The use of virtual avatars opens a huge door to transgender transformations and sexual minorities.
From all the sex-related places in Second Life, I focused on one particular place: Love Thyself Masturbation Village. It consists of a few buildings, each with various rooms. I liked the idea. Everyone can masturbate in a room, while another one can sit in the same or a nearby room. No touch, no interference. People can talk, but don't touch. From the moment I visited that place, I realized that this is something completely different then anything seen until now. I just thought about this. There, I also went into a few interviews with various people. Further research I've don on the internet shows that for many people, probably about 40% of world population, masturbation gives more pleasure then real sex. Well, it is a good way to satisfy your body's need. Another thing is that, there I found sfenists. More exactly, I found 4 women and two men.
Sometimes I wish such a place to exist also in real world. I think that repeated masturbation can take the hormones out from aggressive men and can possibly temper down sexual aggressors.
I wanted to show Alia - Atan this place, but unfortunately it vanished just two days before I decided to do so. Unfortunately, Second Life is depopulating and many places have vanished.
Also, many friends of mine, from Second Life, have vanished. One of them died. May peace be upon his soul.
**********************************************
So pass the autumn days. I work hard harvesting tobacco and making handmade cigarettes, while Atan goes to the mine and works for many hours. He often returns late in night. We spend only very little time together. There is not much I can do. How I wish this madness will end and we will have a few days together! I want to go back to the lake or spend together a whole day in the house... or to take a trip in the mountains.
I am sure he also suffers because of this. He has to be dressed as a man, at the mine. At home, he is a woman... but now, he is a woman only for a short time, during night.
When the Ottoman Empire attacked Constantinople, it was not the fierce cannons made huge holes in the walls, nor the horde of battleships passing through the Golden Horn that spread terror among the last Byzantines, that conquered the city. It was something small, that brought the Turks in: The Byzantines forgot a small door open. The Turks could not believe this... and after a few days of street fights, they conquered the most powerful city in Middle East.
History Of The Turks
Important note: Starting from this chapter, there are a few explicit scenes that are not suitable for children. Content can be sexy, erotic, but never porn. This is why, from this chapter on, 'audience rating' is set to PG15.
Autumn has come. Trees are starting to get more colored and leaves are starting to fall. Like in every year, I harvested tobacco, from my own production and from the village. I made cigarettes, part for my family (me and Alia - Atan), part for my extended family (my parents and my sisters) and a big part for sale, over the year. Most of cigarettes and huge amounts of tobacco leaves I sold to Stromboli. Now, I am free more time then before.
Trains are coming and going. The coal must flow. The grass (tobacco) must flow. It is a mandatory fact. I am free more time a day, but not the same is for my husband. He has to work much at the mine, as a Geological expert. He now works in the surface mine, which is 9 km from here, but he goes much earlier and returns far late. I miss him. We are together only at night. That is the only time when Atan becomes Alia, his feminine side. But he is always too tired. He only eats, washes and gets to sleep, hardly managing to watch a movie on our laptop. Almost nothing else. I think all day about him and I am afraid that too much work can harm him. Every day, at noon, I send him food and cigarettes by train. He keeps saying that soon he will have a few free days, as his survey will be completed.
I wish we could go back to the mountains, both dressed as women, to sit near the lake or just walk in the forest. Or, at least one free day home. I start to miss our smoky kisses, our gummy kisses, our pantyhose massages, but more then anything, I miss him. Our relation, which is something at the middle between a friendship and a relationship, has grown extremely strong. We are bound together like the atoms in a molecule, like the proton and the neutron inside a Deuterium atom. And talking about atoms, science and Astronomy, I long wish that he will be back, so that we will be talking again. First, there were his long monologues about Astronomy, but now, I have enough knowledge to talk with him about these subjects.
The morning trains have passed. Even if it is too early, I placed his new clothes on the bed, for when he will become Alia. I return in the kitchen. Today, I heard the words 'carrots and apples'. I have both carrots and apples. Well, is it possible to make food with them? I like to make unusual food (and it looks like he enjoys it too). So, why not? Let's try to make a soup with carrots and apples, combined with some handmade short spaghetti... Now, let's make a food more complex, that will contain many ingredients, including carrots. And finally, let's make some cookies. But how about a pie with cheese and apples? Will they taste good combined? I guess so. Add a glass of milk and everything is quite ready... only that Alia will return late from the mine.
I am a sfenist, but we, sfenists, like any human, have hormones. The life of a sfenist is like walking on a narrow path. Your body has the desire for love and sometimes urges you to look and feel, but your soul is wounded and always tries to move away. I always looked at handsome boys, but never came close. Look and not touch. Feel from distance, just like a spacecraft analyses a planet from orbit, but doesn't touch it. Attraction exists in any of us, but there also is a force that says 'stop'. It is just like the protons in an atom. If they are too close, their electrical charges forces them to move away. If they are too far, a force similar to gravity pushes them together. Too close and they will disintegrate. Too far and the atom will break apart.
But now, I feel that I am too far from Atan. I need somehow to get back closer. He feels the same, but has to work. I also feel that he wants to be Alia again, not only while sleeping. I finished cooking and sit in the kitchen. I have a green and black dress, long to my elbows and my knees. My hair is green and I wear demi-opaque shiny tights, with the same color of the skin, with green plastic sandals. He is up in the mine, wearing the same kind of pantyhose I do right now. I light a cigarette, thinking that he might be smoking right now.
I feel my body. I know well what this is, it happened many times to me. I lost my virginity when that infidel destroyed my life, may his soul suffer forever. People might think about me as half virgin, since that happened against my wish and those were the most horrible moments of my life.
At some point in my life, I really don't know when, I started to play with my genitals and I got an orgasm. I had no idea what this is, only that it felt good. For a long time I had been doing this, without anyone knowing me. It took me much time until when I was in high school, other girls were reading a girl magazine. I wanted to read it too, but they did not allow me. Well, I stolen it and read it. That is the first time in my life when I heard about masturbation. Until that day, I had no idea. Yes, I did masturbate. And I am still doing this. How often? Sometimes, once a week, sometimes more frequent or more rare. Never followed a schedule and never counted how often. Some part of me told me that this is not a good thing, while another part told me that it cannot do anything bad.
When I was at the University, I've seen many bad things. It was first the hate I got for men, that grew day by day. I've seen many girls cheated by guys. I've seen guys that seduced a girl only to get to bed with her, then abandoned her. Girls also are attracted by sex and wish to get into a relationship. Well, normal girls, not sfenists. But things are different for me.
At some point, I came to the conclusion: Why do I need a man when I can make myself happy? Why should I allow them to touch me, when the same pleasure I can produce myself? What is the purpose? Why to endure so much, which, in my case, really is too much?
Then, I managed to read the internet about this subject. I got to a survey, saying that 40% of women prefer masturbation instead of sex. And not only, but I found a lot of toys, used for this. Well, I don't have the money for such devices. I don't have where to get such things... and when I was a student, where could I hide them, anyway?
There was once an incident, at the railway depot in Jupiter. they caught a woman masturbating in the depot, using a screwdriver. After that, all screwdrivers were placed in a locked metal closet. It might be only a story, but can be real too. In a village nearby, two women went drunk and they masturbated with carrots... and for a while, nobody there sold carrots. People required sliced carrots. Rumors about girls that did masturbate and broke their virginity this way, are common in these mountains, probably also in other parts of the world. Here, we call them 'disvirginated with the screwdriver' even if they did it with other methods. That got my attention. How to use a screwdriver? It is not a good idea to insert the metal part, which is used to work with screws, that will injure you. The solution is to use the back part, which is made of plastic, is smoother and might feel close to the real thing.
After the noon trains pass, I go back to the kitchen. Nobody is around here. I sit on the bed that we have in the kitchen and take the screwdriver. Should I? Or should I not? Then, I remember that this is the only way to keep my hormones under control. I know that my body produces the same hormones any female organism produces. So... I need to do this. Better now, when I am alone.
I gently take my skirt up, then push my pantyhose down. I like the soft fabric, but in the same time I think that somehow I betray Alia - Atan by doing this. But, am I cheating him with anyone? No... and anyway, I am a sfenist. I cannot cheat him with anyone. So, I continue, pushing the underwear down. Then, I gently touch. Slow and easy. Very easy. Very slow and gentle. Then, I start playing with the screwdriver. First, I insert only 1 cm of its black, plastic holder. Then, a bit more, also moving very gently. Then, more. With one hand I use my fingers, with the other hand I guide the screwdriver. Then, I move a bit faster. So good... Then, as I feel it's coming, I increase speed. And yes! Soon, I reach orgasm.
I take one hand and light a cigarette, still holding the screwdriver inside. I feel a bit exhausted, but pleased. Smoke gets inside my lungs, then to my arteries and vines, to each cell of my body. I remove the screwdriver, but remain in this position, smoking.
Suddenly, the door opens. Atan comes in, in a dark grey costume, with black spots of coal. He must have come by foot!
"My Geological survey is finished. I have a few free days", he says, as he opens the door. Then, his eyes are wide opened. "Nicotiana" he says, then gets out and closes the door.
Oh mine! Oh no! What have I done? I instantly stand up. I get some fresh water from a bucket and wash, then I take a towel and clean myself. Then, I pull my underwear and pantyhose up and arrange the skirt as it should be.
What have I done? I look on the window, he is nowhere to be seen. Has he abandoned me? Has he moved away? As he entered the door, he seen it all. He easily seen it, I was like a porn star, pointed with my organs towards the door.
"You should have stopped doing this a long time ago", says my shadow.
I become agitated. What should I do? I feel like a snowball fallen in hell. The flares will melt me and evaporate me and nothing will be left. How is this possible? How could I have done this? A million ideas go though my mind. Now, Atan will leave these mountains, will return to his parents who are still crying after him. Maybe their prays have reached to the sky. Maybe it is the gods that are doing this for me. Maybe I did something bad, a sin that I have to pay for.
I start crying. What should I do?
"Calm down, Ana", says my shadow. "Calm down, wait him a few seconds to calm down, then come and settle this. If you don't calm down, nothing good will happen".
I light a cigarette. My hands are shaking and tears come from my eyes. Only if I don't lose him. I will stop doing this! I will!
I smoke too fast, so that it gives me a bit dizzy, but works. It calms me. Then, I wash my face... in fact I take my face inside a bucket with water, also making a bit of my hair wet. Despite using a towel, some water flows over my dress.
"What should I do, now?" I ask my shadow.
I would like to get swallowed by the ground, to vanish and never have existed.
"When you do something bad, only a coward will run away. Go and support the consequences", says my shadow. "Respect the unwritten law!"
Yes, I have to respect the unwritten law. Even the mountains, even the clouds respect it. Even the gods do. So, I open the door and step away from the kitchen. I instantly light a cigarette. I listen. A few birds are singing somewhere, the river is flowing. I hear some noise around, then see. A drunk man is walking along the railway and some children are making fun of him, throwing with dirt and rocks in him. Well, that's something usual, children always love to make fun of alcoholics.
I look around. There is no sign of Alia - Atan in the garden. So, I go to the house. When I touch the door, I feel like touching carbonic ice and my body twitches. I enter the shoe room and hear little music. My laptop is working. Should I continue?
Well, I have to take my punishment. I did something bad and have to pay for it.
I always was amazed, from American movies showing people on the death rope. They just move alone to the place where they will die. I always thought this is only in movies, that real people scream 'I don't want to die' and oppose execution. I thought they are carried by soldiers, while they cry and fight with every way they have, to get out of there. Well, now I have to move straight forward and receive my punishment, as anyone from these mountains should do. So, I take a deep breath of smoke and ether the room.
As I get inside, I see Atan has become Alia, with the clothes I placed on the bed. He now is just like me, with a green and black dress, with shiny, demi-opaque pantyhose with the same color of the skin and with green plastic sandals. He closes the laptop and signs me to sit near him. I don't dare to stay quite near him, I sit at some distance.
"I am sorry for what I did and accept any punishment I deserve", I say.
He looks at me, carefully. Then, he says:
"Just come closer. I will not hurt you".
I move closer, but don't dare to get that close as we used to sit.
"Just come closer", he says.
"I cannot. After what I've done..."
He looks puzzled at me, then smiles, then looks down. I think about the highest disaster. Now he will say that we have to go our separate ways. Now, everything will end.
"I don't understand", he says. "Nicotiana, what actually were you doing in the kitchen?"
I look again in his eyes, then look down and say:
"Masturbating".
He twitches, in a way that his eyes are almost rotating in his head. He now looks so surprised.
"Like this?" he asks with half a smile. "Is this how women masturbate?"
"Like this", I answer, with a tear in one eye.
"I've seen in videos, but never had the chance to see one in reality. Wow! Now I understand all".
I drop a few tears.
"Do with me what you want, punish me in what way you feel correct", I answer.
He stands up and comes to me. He leans down in front of me, so he can be at the same height.
"What to punish you? What have you done?"
I cannot rise my eyes to him. All I can see is his feet, his pantyhose and a bit of the dress, but all the image is unclear because of my tiers.
"Because I betrayed you".
His body twitches like hit by a shock wave.
"With who?"
"With me. With my own body", I answer.
He cleans my tears by taking his man clothes, then puts his hands to my shoulders.
"Nicotiana, please, let me help you. How you cheated me with?" then he stops. "I get it. You... masturbated. Well, is that a problem? Is there anything else I don't know? Please tell me, so I can help you. Nicotiana?"
"No, that is all. And I did it. Not only once".
"You've been masturbating in my absence?" he asks. "How often?"
"I don't know. About once a week, I think", I say, still crying. "I've been doing this even before we meet. I am sorry and ready to take my punishment for this".
He sits near me, lights a cigarette and gives it to me, then lights one for himself.
"I thought you were doing witchcraft", he says.
"Witchcraft?" I answer, almost losing all my tears. "Like this?"
"Yes", he answers. "I know about Gipsy people doing witchcraft, using a fish that they insert in a woman's genitalia, then forces a man to eat it".
"You know I am not a real witch", I say.
He takes a deep inhale, blows the smoke and then says:
"So you were not doing anything then masturbating".
"Yes", I say. "Nothing else".
"Ok", he says.
"And I accept any punishment for doing this and for not telling you this".
"Why should I punish you? You did nothing bad in this. Maybe the fact that you did not tell me, but that is not a problem. I guess I was not prepared for this yet".
"You are not angry for this?"
"Nicotiana, I love you. And I am ready even to break mountains for you".
"I thought you will leave me for this".
"So, that's why you were crying", he says. "No, I won't leave you. I love you".
He looks in my eyes, as I take another breath full of smoke.
"I've been doing the same", he says.
"You?" I say. "But I had no idea".
"Yes. I never had the courage to tell you. Sometimes, at night, when I went out of the house, before we got to sleep".
This makes me freeze. I stop breathing, maybe also my heart stops for a few seconds.
"And I did this even before we meet. Sometimes, I felt the shame, like I was betraying you, but now I have the courage to confess you all. Now, you know it all".
I listen his words, thinking about. I never had any idea. Probably the same things work. His body also produces hormones, like mine, but just like me, he is a sfenist. So, no surprise he does this, to keep his hormones in a safe level.
"No problem", I say. "Thanks for telling me".
"We should be more transparent", he says. "We should not hide anything one from another. From now on, Nicotiana, we will not hide anything one from another. What happened today could not have happened if we talked and not decide to hide any secrets".
He hugs me with his hand, in the same way we did many times: down over the back, to the point where he can feel my pantyhose. I do the same. We hang each other with one hand and smoke with the other. A few tears manage to flow from my eyes, but I even see a tear in his eyes too.
"Guess we were not ready to know this yet", he says.
"Thank you for all", I say, releasing another cloud of smoke.
"You've been chewing gum for such a long time and I had no idea", he says. "From now on, there will be no secrets between us".
After he says this, I make a bubble of gum, just as giving him an answer that I will not hide anything from him.
"And you also must not hide anything from me", I say.
"It could be me in the kitchen, but it was you", he says. "You were less lucky, but we both did the same thing".
I hear the radio beeping. A train is coming.
"I have to go to the station", I say.
"I will stay a little in the house", he says. "I need to rest a bit".
I move to the station. The noon train is going upstream. While I wait for the train, I just keep on thinking about want happen. most of all, I think about what could happen. Another guy would have rejected me for this, not Alia - Atan. He accepted me with all this. Who else would accept such a thing? And now I know that he does the same thing. He hidden this from me such a long time, the same way I did. Or is it real? Is he really doing this? Or he just said it to make me feel comfortable.
Before the train comes, I hear another train. This one comes from the nearby mine. They don't have a radio station there, so trains just go blind. I always keep line 1 free, for this event. The train arrives, with 3 engines and 20 wagons full with coal. I sign it to stop and wait for the noon train to pass.
But, just as the noon train becomes visual, I hear the radio beeping again. AL CA CT. Almathea to Callisto, cargo train. Well, it is forbidden to allow a train to pass before you have confirmation from the next station that the line is clear, but sometimes it happens. This way, two or more trains travel one after the other in a convoy, but still distance must be long enough so if one stops, the other must have enough space for brakes.
The noon train arrives to line 2. I signal upstream and downstream stations about the event, then signal the train to depart. It has 3 rusted wagons for passengers. A few people leave the train and find their way between the coal wagons of the train on line 1. Now, I have to wait until the other cargo train comes from Almathea. And I wait, until it arrives here, on line 2. Immediately, I go and change the switch, so that the train on line 1 can pass downstream, I return to the station, radio signal to Almathea that one train arrived and another one will depart to them. Then, I return.
The train that arrived from Almathea has 3 engines and 20 empty coal wagons. He sure goes to the surface mine, but I must ask first. I scream:
"Where are you going?"
"The surface mine", shouts one engineer.
"Let us go, Ana! I am starving!" shouts another one.
I run to the opposite end of the station, to change the switch. Then, I signal the train to go, from there. The 3 engines start pushing their cargo along the industrial line. They move away, forward, matching their speed with 10 km/h which is the speed limit on that line. Then, I change switches again, so that line 1 will be for the industrial line and line 2 will be opened for the main line.
As I return to the station, the radio beeps again. The noon train has arrived to Ganymede station. Good, the line is clear upstream. Then I hear the beep from downstream, from Almathea. All is good now.
I return to the house and it doesn't take much that another train is coming. A cargo train comes from upstream, followed by the noon train. It is returning. Only that this time, Alia is here with me. We passed over the incident. Again, we are two women, staying in the station and waiting the trains to pass. As we have the same clothes and our hair painted in the same color, one might think that we are tweens, even if he is higher then me. A long time has passed since people were looking with strange eyes at him. Now, they all understand us as we are, only that nobody knows we are sfenists.
The evening comes and evening trains come and go, like always. Rusted wagons and old engines struggle to reach their destinations on this old railway. The train is a bit late, because of a horse that was sitting on the railway. Things like these are common, someone tied a cow close to the railway, with a rope that was about 5 meters long... only that the cow somehow got its rope blocked between two rails... and the train could not pass without killing the cow. So, someone had to get down from the train and cut the rope.
Now that the trains are gone, we go to the kitchen and eat. My improvisation with carrots and apples proves to be good. The soup is good, the meal is very interesting, while the pie, I think it went a bit too much on the fire. The truth is that, when you cook with wood fire, the fire is not the same. In some parts, it can burn the food, while in others it will have no power at all. All in one, it was good. And like always, we have milk. Without a fridge, people tend to cook in each day. Things that are hard to store, like meat, are eaten fast. When someone decides to cut a calf or a cow, the meat is sold within the village fast and consumed in the same or in the next day. Anyway, I am not much into meat.
Then, we return to the house and smoke, while watching a movie on my laptop. Alia wants us to make a smoky kiss. At first, I don't want, but after thinking a while, I accept. Our lips touch, then we open a channel and smoke passes from his body into mine. I then let the smoke out through my nostrils. I then take an inhale and we touch our lips again, as I pump smoke into his body.
"Are you ok?" he asks me.
"Yes, I guess I am. Are you ok?"
"Yes. Why should I not be? But you are not quite ok".
"I am just thinking about all what happened".
"Nicotiana, you did nothing wrong".
"I know, Alia, but somehow this was too much for me".
"Too much for you?" he asks amazed. "Is there anything too much for you?"
"Sometimes".
"When we went to the Land Of Dictators and did what we did to that train, I was scared like a cat in a dog exposition", he says. "And you were moving like natural. We changed clothes and identities, we bribed customs and no tension was on your face. And now, because of nothing, it is too much. Come on, Nicotiana! You are a warrior!"
"There is a major difference, Alia", I answer. I helped Stromboli for only one reason and that reason is you, to get to your parents. I did this because I tried to help. But now, it is different. My purpose was not to help".
"No, not that", he stops me. "Back in the Land Of Dictators, what you did... what we did, made may custom officers to retreat, government officials to be arrested and could risk our lives. If anyone knew, we would have been long dead by now. But we managed to survive and do our job. But here, it is nothing. Nobody is going to kill us for this. I really don't see anything bad. After all, so many people do what you just did. Really, it is nothing".
"I don't care. If the whole world goes on fire but you are happy, it is ok to me. But if everyone is happy but you are sad, it is a nightmare to me".
He listens my words, then looks around and says:
"Well, if you keep on this track, you are going to get me sad".
"Ok", I answer, understanding what he means.
"And if you still punish yourself for what happen, I am going to stop smoking".
"You won't", I say short. "You know that when you do that, I will kill you. No matter how much I love you, I will kill you for that. I will have to".
"And I will kill you too if you stop wearing pantyhose", he says.
Only that this time, his voice is different. He is not joking.
"I will wear pantyhose as long as I will live", I say. "And even after I die, I will be buried with pantyhose on me, so that I will wear them forever".
Then, he touches my feet and gives me a short kiss. He lights a cigarette and I light one too. I made him a smoker as addicted as I am.
"I am fine", I say. "I recovered from what happened".
"That is what I wanted to hear", he says.
The night train goes up to the mines. This is the signal for us to get to sleep. Soon, it will be an year since we are together. An year and we still had secrets. And also I am thinking about what our psychologist told us about sfenist relations. At the 3rd step, we will try to explore ourselves, but at the 4th step, we will try an intimate relation, as much as we can without harming ourselves. Are we entering the 4th step now? Is this happening already? I feel like a passenger in a runaway train. I know the railway, I know where it goes and the stations along the line, but I cannot see the railway. Is there an obstacle in front of us? A fallen tree? A missing bridge? A boulder? We cannot see. And we cannot do anything. The train is moving faster then it should be. Will we derail at some point? Will the line hold as we move with this speed?
So many books have been wrote about family life, about couples and relationships, but nobody ever wrote a book about sfenist relations. The only help we have comes from the words of an old psychologist and from the sfenists I managed to find.
There is no love more powerful then the one of a parent for its children. and there is no greater pain in this world then for a parent to see its children suffering (Legend Of Actit).
Mankind can live without scientists, without priests, without emperors, without philosophers, without warriors and without merchants, but it will never be able to live without mothers (An Ancient Prophet).
When a parent is crying for its children, the whole sky is crying. And when a child forgets its parents, the hell opens its mouth (Legend Of Imhal).
Alia - Atan is free a few days, before he will go up to the mines. We use this time, living every second of it. It is autumn, but still is warm enough. We are in the house now. We both are dressed as women, with a white and green knee-long dress and with brown pantyhose. The morning trains have passed and now we enjoy some quiet time. We finished smoking a cigarette and now I open my laptop.
"Any news from my parents?" he says.
He never talked about them for months. I know they are strongly against me and want him back.
"I don't know yet", I say. "Let's see..."
I open his mail address and look.
"Yes, you have a new message. Should I delete it?"
"No", he says. "I think now I have the strength to read them. It's been almost an year since I last contacted them".
"They have been crying and begging you to return".
"I know. But you know as well as I do, that I no longer belong to the world they live in".
I remember. Whenever someone is preying about me, I hear it, no matter to what god that person is preying. For such a long time I've seen his parents kneeling in front of an icon and preying from a book. I could see their cries, their tears. This almost ripped me. But, I open the mail and see. There are a few messages. Two are from former friends, asking him if he is still alive.
"Delete those. I am dead to my friends", he says, pointing his fingers, with green nails, to the screen.
"Ok", I say, as I delete them. "The last one is from your parents. Are you sure you are ready to read it? Many times you just told me to delete them".
"I want to see".
I remember old messages. How many times, they asked him to return? I just remember one:
Please, just leave that place. Leave that witch and those cursed mountains. What is wrong with you? We never harmed you with anything, ever. Can't you see that she is drinking your blood, drinking your money? Can't you see that she is a daughter of Satan? Come back to us and save your soul. Then, another message was like this: We are all alone, waiting to die. There is nobody to say a good word to us. We built this house for you. We worked all our lives to offer you a good life. You are the light of our lives and the reason we exist. Without you, we have no reason to exist. Just get out of there and return to us.
I tried to answer and give them details about our lives. Well, not everything. I told them, for example, that he is working hard at the surface mine and I am worried that he will get exhausted by too much work. And the answer was always a harsh, cruel one. They always cursed me and were extremely rude to me, each time. But I always deleted their messages.
"Ok, I open it now", I say, as opening the message.
From this moment on, you are no longer our child. When we will die, all our fortune will die with us. We don't want to hear anything again from you. You chosen to go to the land of savages and you chosen to marry that witch. Now, it's your life. You are a child of Satan and no longer a child of us.
And for you, witch, may your soul end-up in hell, where it deserves to be. Just tell our former child that we no longer recognize him as our. He made his choice and lost his soul. You both no longer exist and there is no way you will ever have a way back.
"What does that mean?" I ask. "That's why in the last few weeks I no longer felt their preying".
"I don't know", he says. "They just abandoned me?"
"As you abandoned them".
"For a long time, I hoped I could make peace somehow. But they never accepted me as a sfenist. Why does all this have to be?"
"I really don't know why. But this is how it is to be a sfenist. Endless pain".
"I know", he says. "I never wanted anything from them, any of their fortune. All I wanted is them".
He looks up, then says:
"God, why does all have to be like this? I never ever wanted their money. I just wanted a new life. And now, God, you are the witness. I love them. They are my parents and the only thing I had for a long time". He looks deep into my eyes, like asking for help. "The only thing I will never forgive them is that they forced me to sleep with that girl. I will never forgive them for that". then, he puts his hands on my shoulders. "Nicotiana, your parents are different. I know they suffered that you are a sfenist, but they never forced you into something you cannot do. Your parents love you just as much as mine... or do my parents still love me?"
I look deep into his eyes and read his look. He has the eyes of a person who lost someone very important and still hopes that it might return somehow.
"They just abandoned me? Like this?"
"No", I say. "I don't think that. I think only that, for the moment, they realized there is no way to make you return. How could they not love you? I've seen their faces".
"I also cannot believe that they really abandoned me", he says. "Maybe, in a few years, they will accept us as we are".
"That is what I also think", I say. "Maybe now they are starting to stop loving their dreamed model of you and soon they will love the real you".
"Maybe they just gave-up", he says. "Maybe they realized that preying had no effect and I will not return".
"They are willful people that don't accept anything from you that is not according to their plan. But even the hardest stones are eroded slowly. A train cannot walk in a straight line, it must follow the railways. They did not follow the rails and derailed. It will take time for them to return to the tracks. Only that, this time, they will have to follow the line".
"Nicotiana", he says.
"Yes".
"Now, you are the only thing I had. The former me died when we got married. All I have is like memories from another life. But they still remained, as a bridge between the two lives. Now, they died too. You are the only thing I have. I feel like an orphan".
I take my hands and put on his shoulders, in the same way he does with me. Yes, he really has nobody now. And if he would try to contact his parents, they will probably reject him or at least punish him a lot. I realize how he would feel if somehow he will try to return to them... even if, with our salaries, that will be quite impossible.
"I am harder and I basically ran away from my parents", I say. "If not, probably they would have forced me to get married and suffer far more. You remember Inah?"
"Yes, I do".
"Her parents tried to force her get married, when Altha got married first time. But she, just like me, never accepted that".
"Why do we, sfenists, have to suffer like that?" he asks. "My parents took me to psychological treatment, tried to prescribe me medicine... Why all this?"
"That is what is to be a sfenist", I answer. "For a long time, I said that I better have died, then to suffer all this".
"This is true", he says. "This is true, Nicotiana".
"Everybody tries to push us back into the main population group", I say. "Some forces us into psychological treatment, others just ignore our pain and want us to get married, others just don't understand. Some people say it is just a lie and we don't exist".
"But we do exist", he says. "I never knew other sfenists until I found you. We do exist, but nobody talks about us. Believe me, one psychiatrist prescribed me medicine to increase libido. He simply did not believe me. Even many priests, when I went to confess my sins, the first question they asked is 'Are you married?' When I said 'no', they immediately said: 'Then what are you waiting? Or you want to go to a monastery?' Why do things have to be like this?"
"The only people that ever understood us as we are, are people from other sexual minorities", I say.
"You mean homosexuals?"
"You know, they did understand me. I found a few at the University and talked to them. Maybe, because they also belong to a sexual minority, they know how it feels".
"This makes sense", he says.
"Yes, the ones I know, understood me well. Well, I know you hate them because it was a gay who destroyed your life..."
"That infidel was a gay", he says, "but as you said once, there are also gay sfenists. So, accusing them all is not correct. You know that where my parents live, Gipsy people are stealing from cars, minibus vehicles and private properties. But not all Gipsy people do this. So, accusing all of them is not fair. That is the difference".
We sit and look one at each other. Then, I delete the message, without answering anything to his parents. In my mind, a single question remains: What is the biggest suffering ad being a sfenist? Just like when Vesuvius destroyed Pompeii and Herculaneum. What was the worst? The destruction of the cities or the struggle of the survivals who tried to rebuild their lives away from the ash? I guess iy was the second.
"Alia", I say.
"Yes?"
"We just have to keep on going. Just go forward and don't look back. If we keep crying for the past, we do nothing. If we keep looking at our wounds, that will not help at all. I know from my life. We just have to accept what we are, move forward and never look back".
"I guess you are right".
"We formed a family. Maybe one day we will also have children. What should we do? Just burry ourselves in pain? No, we didn't went that far for this".
"Do you think it will be possible for us to have children?" he asks. "I mean, you know how children are made. Or, maybe through adoption".
"At this point, it is impossible. But maybe, in the future, it will. It all depends on us, on what we try to do: stay as we are or keep following our path".
*******************************
In the Civilized World, two lonely parents are sitting in their house, watching TV. They are watching about a recent fight between two military factions in the Land Of Fire, then about a suicide bomb attack in the Land Of Sand.
"That is close to their border", says the woman. "Why did he go to that place?"
"What I don't understand is why you sent him that mail", says the man.
"Why? Because I realized he will never come back. It's been over an year since he left and soon will be an year since he is with that woman".
"Maybe. But still, he is our son. Now, we really don't know if we will ever hear any news from him. At least Nicotiana was sending us a mail at a few days".
"Stop saying that name!" shouts the woman. "That witch is behind all! May she be eaten by worms!"
"Yes, I agree that she deserves that pain, but now we lost our son".
"He was lost from the day he left, but we didn't understand. Why did he go there?"
"It was like something was calling him there", says the man. "He was a good student and was offered a job in America, but refused. Instead, he went to the End Of The World just as he heard about".
"I don't know. Only that I gave-up hoping and trying", says the woman. "You remember that old priest we found? The blind one".
"Yes, I do".
"You remember what he told us?"
"That we did all we could. We prayed and cried and fasted. And if he is not coming back, it means that the will of God is for him to stay there", says the man.
"So, if it is God's will, what could we possibly do?" says the woman. "That's why I gave-up".
"I know, but still I don't want to give-up. Maybe, something will change".
"What will change?" Do you realize? They will make a child there and from that point on he will be linked to that place forever".
"I don't think so", says the man. "There a salary is less then a quarter of what is here. What child will want to live in that poverty? Maybe that is the point when he will return".
"With children made with that savage? That I will never accept!"
"I don't know... but at some point, he is still my son. And that cannot be changed".
*******************************
Here, at the mountains, at the End Of The World, two parents have finished lunch and are resting, smoking a cigarette.
"I see Ana and Atan never had a fight for months", says the woman.
"She is very smart, but despite the look, he is even smarter. He knows how to avoid conflicts", says the man.
"I see she loves him. And I also see he loves her. Even if they are the strangest couple in these mountains. So many people spoke about them".
"Yes, nobody ever seen a man that gets dressed as a woman", says the man. "But still it's good this doesn't happen when he is at work. Honestly, I don't like that part, but as long as he does not harm my daughter, he is welcome".
"I only wish I could meet his parents", says the woman. "Ana talked about them as people extremely rich, but also I understand this is how people are there".
"Even now, I like to call her on her old name. On the name we gave her. I don't know", says the man". That girl died when that cursed tourist came to us. And I am guilty in part for that. Ana is a different person. In many regards, it is like a different soul in the same body".
"I know... but she is our daughter. We have to take care of her, like of all the others".
"Yes, but she is not like the others. You know what she did to Stromboli, to Abdul, to Stallion, to Wizard... to... How many guys did she smashed? I wanted to marry her with Wizard, then with Stallion. And you know what happened".
"Well, she didn't kill Atan", says the woman.
"Not yet".
"And I think she will not do that. Just look at them, they are in love".
"Yes, but what love is that?" says the man. "They stay together in that house, they dress the same, they move almost with the same steps, they smoke together, but where is the love? I never seen them kissing, not to mention what they should do. I understand why they do things like that and I know this is my fault. At least, they are happy, even if I ask myself what kind of happiness is this".
"Do you think I wouldn't like to see them in another way?" says the woman. "I would like to see them like Abida and Aslan. Soon, they will have a child. Even Cemis will get married soon. I don't know if Ana will ever have a child, but at least I am happy that she will not be alone".
"She suffered more then all of us together. I just hope that guy dressed as a woman understands it".
"He suffered probably the same, but in a different way".
"How do you know?"
"Ana told me. Remember, he is also a sfenist. What I don't understand at all, is why his parents never came to visit him for so long".
"They hate our daughter. Don't you remember?"
"Yes, but they love their son, don't you remember?"
*******************************
The evening trains have passed. We eat and then we go back to the house. We listen music, from YouTube. I like meditation songs, like those from Enigma, Karunesh and other New Age genre. Even soft rock, like Nightwish. He prefers not a genre, but fast, happy music. Nightcore and Trance.
As we listen, we light a cigarette. We practice smooth and fetish inhales and exhales. Then, like we did many times, we practice the smoky kiss. We transfer smoke between our lungs, through a kiss. We also practice the gummy kiss, exchanging our gum. And a few bubbles.
With every passing day, our relation becomes stronger, here, at the End Of The World. It is like we've been this way forever. Maybe we were made to be together. We can stay for hours just like this, smoking, making smoky kisses and talking, touching each other, massaging our pantyhosed feet... We touched and explored our whole body surface, except the points linked to the wounds of our souls.
I put back my feet on his lap, while leaning on my back, with the head on a pillow. He massages me. He spends time working on my toes, on my heels, on my ankles, then all the way up to my knees. All this time, I lean on my back and smoke, watching how layers of smoke mix in the tight atmosphere of the room. Then, we change seats and I start massaging his feet, feeling the softness of a pantyhose layer, while he sits with the head on the pillow, smoking. And then, we change seats again. I put my feet in his lap. I move his dress up, so that my feet can feel his.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I just want to adjust position", I say. "Pantyhose on pantyhose".
"So, you want your feet to sit on mine?"
"Yes. I like that feeling".
"Ok, let me help you".
He lifts my feet, then pushes his dress up, placing my feet on his. I like the feeling. His pantyhose fetish is now mine, just as my smoking fetish is now his. He starts massaging me again. Then, I feel something under one foot.
"Is that..." I say.
"What is it? Is there a problem?"
"Yes, something moved", I say.
"Did I do something I shouldn't?"
"No, not your hands. Below".
He doesn't answer, but I see it in his eyes.
"I know what moves", I say, with a small smile. "But I never understood how that organ is actually moving".
"Sorry", he says. "Did you just feel..."
"Yes, I did feel. And not only now".
He moves my feet further, to his knees.
"Don't worry. Only that I don't understand how it is increasing and decreasing in size".
"It is a bit complicated", he says, then makes silence.
We make silence for a while, until I feel again something moving. At that moment, I take my feet out of his lap and sit near him, on the bed. I look at his feet, covered by a layer of brown pantyhose. I watch them all the way to the toes. Up, I know they are under the dress, all the way to the waist.
I take a deep inhale of smoke, looking at his body. My eyes get fixed at his fake breasts. Maybe one day we will have money and a place to buy breasts, that could be glued on him. As we stay one close to each other, I let my head on his shoulder. When we stand, this is impossible, since he is higher then me, but when we sit, it is more easy. He also leans his head to mine, until our green hairs touch one each other.
"Do you feel any anger on me?" I ask.
"No. What for?"
"For when you caught me in the kitchen masturbating".
"Nicotiana, I told you many times that I have nothing to object. And I told you that what you were doing, I also did. And not only once".
I take a double drag, hold the smoke inside me, then blow it in the air.
"Anytime you feel the need to do that, just do", he says. "As I said, I have nothing against. I also do masturbate from time to time. I know it is not good, but... that's it".
"I want to ask you, but be honest", I say, also taking some smoke inside me and blowing it out. "When did you masturbate last time?"
He is quiet for a few seconds, then says: "A few days before I caught you".
"That is enough time ago".
"I guess so. Why do you ask?" he says, looking curious at me.
"I was just trying to understand what made your organ move when I had my feet on your lap".
He doesn't say a word.
"If you need to, don't hide yourself from me", I say. "Remember, we promised that we will have no secrets".
Again, he says nothing.
"How is that you can see inside people's eyes?" he says after about two minutes. "I was planning to do this in a night, pretending I go to toilette, then to tell you what I did in two or 3 days".
"I knew it!" I say, with a smile. "I knew that is why it was moving".
He looks at me surprised and a bit not agreeing.
"Do you feel the need to do this?" he asks.
"Yes and no. But, I don't know. Ok".
"Well, if this is your will, ok. I agree".
We stay a few minutes looking one at each other, like asking 'who has the courage to do that in front of the other?' until I run to the kitchen and take my screwdriver. He recognizes it.
"Ok", he says. "Here goes nothing!"
Then, he lifts his skirt, exposing the pantyhosed feet all the way up. I see a clear bulge there. And at that moment, I remember something. I feel cold in my back, my body starts shaking and I have again that image of something slimy, full with infected worms.
"Stop!" I shout.
He instantly lets his dress down to his knees.
"Are you ok?"
"Alia, not like this! I am not ready for this".
He massages my head, gently.
"Don't worry, it is ok", he says.
"No, not like this", I say.
He takes two cigarettes and gives me one, then takes the lighter. I take a deep inhale, trying to calm down. A single look and my body rejected everything. We smoke until only the filters remain on the ashtray.
"Nicotiana", he says. "I don't think we are ready for this step. Not now, maybe in future. But I have an idea. What if we both go out? It is night now, nobody can see us. You stay in one place and I stay in another, at enough distance one from the other. This way, it could work".
And this is exactly what we do. We get out in the dark. It is a cloudy night, with no stars and no moon. All we can hear are a few dogs barking. We sit about 20 m one from each other. I cannot see him, only his cigarette. And he cannot see anything but my cigarette.
Could this be considered some form of sex? I don't know, but for us, it is. It takes a bit longer then the time needed to smoke a cigarette for me, while for him it was faster. I don't know if this is good or bad, but it is clear that we now have entered the 4th step of a sfenist relation.
After this, we return to the house, but not for long. The night train is going up to the mines. We both go to the railway station, to wait for the train. And soon after, comes a train from the surface mine, one of the last. Soon, that mine will cease operations for this year. Arnold has made his reserve of coal for the winter. We return from the station, we smoke one more cigarette and go to sleep.
In a hospital room, a very sick old man had his bed close to the window. Everyday, he was telling the others what he can see out: children playing, birds flying, trees and flowers. There was a young man, more healthy, wishing that the old man will die and he will take his bed, so he will tell the others what is outside. The old man died and the young one took his bed. But, he was very surprised to see that out on the window all he could see was nothing, just a wall.
From a poetry cenacle.
A cold autumn morning in the mountains. The morning train will arrive soon. Alia - Atan will go to work, while I stay in the railway station, waiting to signal the train to go. I have a feeling something will happen today. I don't know why, but each time I feel something, it happens. So many things can go wrong, you don't need to be an expert to realize that mining is one of the most risky jobs. And now, that they are also digging after copper...
The train comes and goes. These trains are literally crying. Old, unrepaired, with decades lacking maintenance, they struggle to keep on track, on railways that have sometimes never been repaired. Everything is far from safe, far from any security protocol. They are much more careful in the mines, with safety measures, but still nothing is safe. Now, Atan, dressed as a man, is going up to the mines. He is the one that found that copper mining is feasible and insisted on mining it.
Soon after, a cargo train goes upstream, with 20 empty wagons to be filled. After I signal nearby stations in Morse code and let the train go, I watch it disappearing as it moves further away. We had problems with landslides a few weeks ago and we solved them with an improvisation. Hope it will resist... for a while.
A guy, about 20 years old, comes to me.
"You must be Ana", he says. "I need your help".
I look at him. Just the kind of guy that makes me angry. First I look at his shoes: fancy sport shoes, but not assorted with anything else. I look at his baggy trousers and vinyl jacket. He tries to look cool, but he looks in fact horrible. He has a punk haircut, an earring in an ear, a tattoo on an arm and another one that can be seen on a neck. I also smell a huge amount of perfume, a strong, masculine one. Also, I notice a fancy cell phone and some music. Horrible tastes this guy has. And anyway, what to do with a cell phone in these mountains, where no signal exists?
"What do you want me to do?" I ask.
"Ana, I know you have powers. I know how you twisted the mind of a man and make him become a woman", he says.
"Hey, bottle of perfume", I say. "Watch your words!"
"I know you are incredibly powerful and I need your help", he continues.
"Me?" I answer. "I have no power. Actit works through my hands, not me. And you should well know that the power actually comes from Allah, not from me at all".
"I will pay you as much as you need and much more in advance", he says. "Just help me".
"What do you want from me?" I ask him again.
"There is a girl in Ganymede", he continues. "Junit, maybe you know her".
So this is what all is about! I instantly feel his sinful desire. This guy makes me sick!
"Who are her parents?" I ask.
"Her father is Raggra and her mother is Comet".
"Yes, I know them. And I know her too", I say. "I guess I know what you want. But are you worth for her?"
"I love her, Ana. Please, make her want me!"
I look into his eyes and feel him. No, this is not what I would expect. I feel his sinful desire.
"You want to get to bed with her and then leave her!" I say, with an anger in my voice.
"No", he instantly defends himself. "I will never do this! I want her, I love her, but she avoids me".
"No surprise she avoids you, just look at you. I mean, what girl would be attracted by a punk like you?"
"Please, Ana!"
"Do you smoke?" I ask him, thinking that I could convince him to start smoking and make his lungs happy.
"No", he says.
"Then, we have nothing to talk about", I say short. "I mean, that is the minimum level if you want to be a man. If you don't smoke, what can I find, as a girl, good in you? You are still a boy, not a man. Just leave, start smoking and we will talk later".
I light a cigarette, while saying this.
"This is the minimum request for a girl to be a woman, to smoke", I say. "And it is the minimum requirement for a boy to be a man. I am sorry, but if you are not smoking, I will not help you at all".
I take a deep inhale and blow the smoke in his face.
"Please, Ana", he says and takes a lot of money, about 100 $. "I will give you all this, if you help me. And much more! I love her, I want her and I need her!"
I blow another cloud of smoke in his face, as he throws the money at my feet. Some of that money falls on my foot and I move, putting my plastic sandal on top of it. As doing so, I watch my dark pantyhosed toes.
"Please, Ana! I am desperate!"
I take the money and blow another cloud of smoke in his face. Then, I take my lighter and light, putting the fire close to the money.
"Sorry! You don't smoke, you will receive no help. Next time, when you come here, better be a real smoker!"
"I will, if that is the only way. But please, help me!"
I look again in his eyes. I see how he looks at me. Now, time to play a little game. I take a sit in a pretty position and try to tease him a bit. I open a button at my blouse, so that he can see a bit of my breasts, then rise my dress a bit, clearly exposing my knees. His eyes are widely watching me. I see in his eyes a sinful desire, as I pose in an attractive position. I take another inhale and blow a cloud of smoke in his face, then look at the money.
"Ok. I might make a deal with you", I say. But as I said, my power is not mine. Actit works through my hands and the power comes from Allah. So, if they don't want to help you, there is nothing you can do. But, before anything, take a cigarette from me. If you don't smoke, there is nothing I can do.
I light a cigarette and give him.
"Take a little amount of smoke in your mouth. Only little... Now, take air in. Fast and much air... Then, keep the smoke in your body".
He does this, just as I tell him. Then, he does again, only that this time he coughs.
"Don't cough, dumb ass!" I shout at him. "Do it again, but take less smoke in your mouth. When you start smoking, start with only a little bit. You will take more smoke into, when you will be ready".
I keep instructing him, until he finishes a cigarette. By that time, he is so dizzy, that it is surprising how he can stay on his feet actually. At least, I helped him, I made his lungs happy.
"Now, if you keep doing this, you are a man. If not, you are just a boy that looks ridiculous in these clothes. You have to practice every day. And if you don't, then I will make the spell on you, so you will become a woman!"
"I swear I will", he says, scared.
Then, I put the money on a little table.
"I am going to ask Actit if she wants to help you or not. But beware. If your desires are not clean, if your soul is ruled by darkness or if she is not for you, then there will be nothing I can do for you".
"Just try, Ana", he says. "I will pay you anything!"
"I don't do it for money", I answer, almost shouting. "Now, let me concentrate".
I kneel, rising my eyes to the sky. I focus as hard as I can. I put my hands around my head and keep them about 5 cm from my ears, then touch the edges of my forehead. I struggle as hard as it's possible, thinking about this, then trying to send the message into the other world:
"What should I do?" I shout, as tears go out of my eyes. In my mind, I scream as hard as I can, saying "What should I do?" But I am not thinking about how to make Junit love him, I am thinking on how to stop him. I realize all he wants is to fuck her and nothing more. I know Junit, after all. I feel an enormous tension inside me, like I am inside a flame. All my energies are towards Actit or anyone out there that can hear me or help. Then, I see the shrine in my mind and a bright light above it.
"Actit, you hear me?" I whisper, as my whole body is shaking and sweat.
Then, I see the horrible moments of my life. The moment when that infidel destroyed my life, the endless nightmares, the tears on my parents' faces and the endless pain that is to be a sfenist. The images come deeper inside my brain and keep on going, keep on adding. That feeling of boys touching me, with their body made of infested rotten meat, full of worms... I see it all.
I cover my hands and scream, almost ending unconsciousness. He tries to catch me... but I feel his infected hands. His perfume is like the smell of rotten excrements.
"Move away from me!" I scream, as I rise to my feet and light a cigarette.
"You lied to me!" I say.
"With what?"
"You are not going to start smoking. You did this, only to convince me".
At least, this will convince him to become a smoker and will make his lungs happy.
"Ana, I swear I will smoke!" he says.
"Actit has seen your soul. It is all darkness! All you want is to fuck Junit and nothing else!"
"No, Ana", he lies... and I can see his lie in his eyes. "I swear!"
"Stop playing with me, infidel!" I say with anger. "Actit is here. Right now! And she wants to kill you for your sinful desires!"
He looks around, surprised, but also scared. "Where?"
"Just here", I say, looking to my right. "And she says something".
"Ana, please help me!" he says. "I love her!"
"What should I do with him?" I say to my right shoulder. "Please don't kill him!"
He looks more scared now.
"If he smokes, don't kill him!" I say to my right shoulder.
I throw him a pack of cigarettes.
"Here! At least one, every day. If you don't smoke, I will know and she will kill you!"
He takes them and looks scared at me.
"Now, about the money, I will do just what Actit told me to do", I say.
In my meditation state, I seen the money burning. So, I put them in the ashtray and take the lighter. I light them and they start burning.
"No, Ana! What are you doing?" he shouts, trying to get the money out. "You're burning them?"
"This is what Actit told me. Until you clean your soul, you are not to touch Junit, ever!"
"Ana, are you crazy?" he says.
"No, not me, infidel! You are. Actit is the first human and the mother of Adam and Eve. But before anything, she is a woman. She knows your sinful intentions and your false words. You are just pretending. It is not you that loves Junit, it is your penis that wants her!"
He tries to get the money out, but in that moment I go mad. I smash his genitals with my knee. He shouts of pain, but I give him a punch in his mouth, then another one.
"You care about money?" I say, hitting him with a foot in his belly. "But don't you better care about your life, infidel?"
I hit him again, but this time, so hard that my hands hurt, then give him another foot in his belly, then another one, until he falls on the floor. As he falls down, I realize what I am doing. Again, my body acted so fast, that surprises me. And again, it was not me hitting him. It was my body, while my mind was like possessed. What have I done? Again? Well, at least he deserves this.
I look as he lies on the floor, trembling of pain. I spit him close to his mouth.
"You should die, infidel", I say, taking the last inhale from my cigarette. Then, I take the still burning filter and touch his cheek, saying "This is a kiss from me".
He screams at the pain, then rises and tries to attack me. Too late. I manage to hit him again in his genitals.
"You are insane!" he screams, going to the door.
"Just die, infidel!" I scream, coming for him.
But he goes away, running to the railway station. He screams again something... but as he runs, his foot falls into a little crack on my bridge... and he falls into the river. A man with two children is coming and when he sees this, he tries to help him.
"Don't help him!" I scream. "That infidel deserves to die!" I say this and take an axe.
"I'll kill you!" screams the guy.
"Unless Actit kills you first!" I say, laughing.
The man comes to me, with his children. I know him. He is Kerai and he is a bit over 30. He lives in our village, is married and has two children: a girl of 13 and a young boy of 5. They had another child between these ages, but it died soon after birth.
"What happened?" he asks me.
"Nothing!" I say. "That infidel wanted me to make a spell so that he could be with a young girl".
"And?"
"And Actit told me all he wants is to fuck her, then abandon her. So, I said 'no' and he got mad".
"I see".
"So, I burned the money he wanted to give me and he wanted to attack me... And he got what he deserved".
"How much?"
"About 100 $", I say.
"100? says Kerai amazed. Why didn't you take the money?"
"I don't do this for money, you know well".
"You know better, Ana", he says.
"What brings you here?" I ask.
"It is about my boy", he says. "His belly hurts. I think someone made a spell on him".
"Kerai, there might be a spell, but maybe not. Maybe he needs some medicine". I advice the boy to lean on the bed, as I gently take his sweater up and I gently push in his belly. "Does it hurt here? But here?" I ask him, as the child answers.
"What did he eat?" I ask.
"What we all do, but he loves milk with bread".
"That is good, soft for the stomach", I say.
Then, I put my ear on his belly, to hear his guts.
"Could he have worms?" I ask.
"We don't know, Ana".
"I think this is it", I say.
Then I go and return with a piece of garlic and some bread.
"Eat this", I say to the child.
"I don't like garlic", he says.
"Are you a man or a baby?" I ask. "Come on, show us you are a man! Show us how powerful you are!"
The child takes and eats this, then says "Thank you".
I also move my hands around his head, then say: "I don't think he is under a spell. If the problem continues, go to Jupiter, to the pharmacy. There, say that you need a pill for worms. I think that is all he needs".
"Thank you, Ana!" says Kerai, as he gives me two packs of cigarettes. "One for you and one for Actit".
"Do you smoke, Kerai?" I ask, lighting a cigarette and giving him one.
"Yes, I do. And so does my wife. I suppose she smokes too (looking at his daughter), but we don't know. Cigarettes vanish from our packs".
"That is ok", I say. "If she smokes, don't stop her. Try to be a good parent, understand your children. Be her friend, not a dictator over her life".
I also give her a cigarette... and the girl takes it, but doesn't light it.
Well, they go back home and I go to the garden.
Like everybody here, we don't have a fridge (and anyway we could not pay the electricity that one consumes). Instead, we have other means to store food over the winter. We conserve a lot of food in salty water. And a lot of vegetables can be conserved in sand. We have a special building for that, partially buried in the garden. Its roof is not much above ground and covered with a thick layer of ground. The door opens to outside, while inside, in darkness, we have a lot of vegetables, like carrots (and many others, some of them without an equivalent name in English), that can hibernate there. Now, in autumn, I pick plants from the garden and plant them there, in the sand. I work on this, then I start cooking.
Soon, the noon trains will come. Also, my parents will come, as they always do. And yes, just when I am in the station and wait for the noon train to go upstream, they come. I advise them to go to the kitchen and wait me. Then, I return to them. They came with some meat. Someone decided to cut a cow. And like always when this happens, everybody buys small amounts of meat. I pay my part, with 3 packs of cigarettes. This is good, today and tomorrow we have meat at lunch.
The noon train returns, but with a big surprise. It is full of people. Also, Atan comes from the mines. He jumps off the train and hugs me. After I signal the train to depart, we go.
"What happened?" I ask.
"Bad things", he says. "A gallery collapsed. Kong and Alter died".
I knew it! I felt it! Thanks to all gods that Alia - Atan is ok!
"I told you so many times to stop working at that mine!" I say.
"I know, but it is a source of money!" he says.
"Is money more important then your life?" I ask him with anger.
He doesn't answer and goes to the house, to change clothes, then returns to the kitchen, as Alia, to stay with my parents. He now is a woman. He wears a yellow dress, with a black jacket over. He has opaque, light-brown pantyhose, covered with black fishnets, with white open-toe green plastic sandals. Again, we pick to have similar clothes. He has green hair and his nails are painted green. I add him a bright-color lipstick and work a bit with make-up around his eyes. Then, I add a green belt around his body. He looks like a copy of myself. I am dressed exactly like he is, with no difference.
We both light a cigarette, from the same lighter. We take the smoke deep inside us, then exhale in the same moment. My parents also light their cigarettes.
"I see you are trying to copy each other", says my dad.
"Yes, we do", I answer.
"How that you came so early?" asks my mother.
"The roof of a tunnel collapsed", says Alia. "Kong and Alter died".
"What?" makes my dad a sound. "Alter has died? He has 3 children. What will his wife do now?"
"People go there for money and this is what they get", says my mother.
"I told you to stop working there", I say to Alia.
"Relax", he says. "I usually work out, on the computer".
"But sometimes you go in", I say.
"Yes, I do. But I never work with equipment, at best I take rock samples".
"Well, may peace be upon them", says my dad. "How many people have died in those mines..."
"And now?" asks my mother. "What will happen to the mine?"
"It is closed for two days, to see if anything else falls. Then, we will get back, secure the walls and keep on the work".
"Very good", says my mother. "People need a break after this".
"They do", says Alia. "Everyone requested a few free days".
"Was that in the old or in the new mine?" asks my dad.
"In the old", says Alia. "The new one is built in a different way".
"Many people died in there", repeats my dad. "And those who survived, died sick".
"Things will change", says Alia. "Many things will change. The way they dug the first tunnels was really chaotic. Now, we use a different approach. More machines are to be used. It is safer and cheaper".
We talk about what happened, but more about the poor guys who died there. I hope that Arnold will do as always and give some money to their widows. He always gave them something. This is his way to say 'I am sorry'. My mom thinks about their poor children that now are orphans.
What can we do? It makes me cry each time this happens... and happens about once every year, still much better then in past.
The radio beeps. A train is coming from the mines. Most of sure it is cargo train, with coal. I go to the station, light a cigarette and wait for the train to pass. I just think about the tragedy. When I was a child, the worst happened. About 40 people died when a tunnel collapsed above them. But is only mining deadly? Here, in Heptagon Valley, it is coal mining that provides some people with a salary. In Hexagon Valley, it is the forest. How many died while chopping or carrying wood? I know, this is how our lives are, with a sharp axe above our heads. I think about as the train, full with coal, comes here.
"Is it coal or blood?" I ask my shadow.
"Life is like smoke", says my shadow, as I look at smoke getting out of my mouth and nostrils.
"Quite like that", I say.
"And the soul moves away like smoke".
After the train moves away, my parents go back home. I remain here, with Alia. In the evening it starts raining. Their souls are sad to leave.
All the evening, I stay with Alia, which now explains me the new, much safer technology. We don't feel the will to do anything, only to think about what happened.
The strongest relation in a couple is made by imitating and understanding each other. If the two try to imitate each other, wear the same things, speak with the same words, have the same gestures and walk with the same steps, the result is a relation so strong that not even fire nor ice can break it. At that point, each one thinks like 'what can I do to make the other one more happy' and tries the best to improve everything. The reason of your existence is your partner and its reason to exist is you.
A forgotten philosopher, over 3000 years ago.
Because of an accident in which two people died, the mines are closed two days. This means Alia - Atan is now here, with me. He will not be going to the mines. So, he will be Alia, his feminine side, all this time. We wake-up and eat breakfast: bread, cheese, an egg, tomatoes and a few other vegetables. We both are dressed in the same kind of clothes. We have a black jacket, covering a green blouse. We have a black knee-long dress. Our feet are covered with black opaque tights and over them we layered green, demi-opaque pantyhose. We wear white open-toe plastic sandals, with platform heels. They are about 2 cm high at the toes and 7 cm high at the heels. Also, we have green hair and green nails. We added some lipstick and little make-up. Now, we both are women. Only his voice betrays him... and I still don't know how could I change that. His fake breasts work very well, under any clothes.
We both come to the railway station, to wait the train. Without miners, it will come and go almost empty. While I wait, I ask Alia a favor, to go to the shop and buy something that I ordered. He goes.
******************************************
"Can you go to the shop and get my command?" asks Nicotiana.
"Sure", I say. "What is it?"
"It should be some clothes. I give you half of the price, you pay your half", she says.
"Ok", I answer, as I start to go.
By now, I know all the corners of this village. It doesn't have what others might call roads, just dirt trails and paths. There are also many shortcuts through gardens. In other places of the world, this would not be possible: someone to take a shortcut through someone else's yard and garden, but here, it is all natural. I jump over a small fence, then walk on a path surrounded by grass, then open a small door and reach a road full of mud.
When I was a boy, in my previous life in the Civilized World, I always wondered how could women walk on high heels. Nicotiana told me: "Put your weight on your toes, not on the heels. And walk with smaller steps". Well, doing this in a city is one thing, but walking on muddy roads and on slippery grass, is another thing. What is good is that people accept me here as I am, half man and half woman. And what I also like, is that people here say hello to anyone. It is a sign of respect to hail everyone on the way. Here I see some people.
"Hi Ana!" says an old woman.
"Hi! Not Ana!" I answer.
"Oh, sorry Atan", she says.
"Hi Atan!" says a man trying to repair a fence.
"Hi!" I answer.
Not saying hello to someone is like you cursed that person.
The shop is now in front of me. Well, is it a shop? In fact, it is more a pub. Well, people come to talk, drink (tea, alcohol), to smoke and to hangout. It is also a shop. Except for the lot of mud in front of it. Two horse carriages are here. The horses are waiting their owners to return. On one side, there is a small concrete bowling line, while on the other side there are a few bicycles waiting. A drunk man is in a ditch, while two children pour water from the road in his ears. Children love to make fun of alcoholics. I have been here a few times, usually dressed as a man. As a woman, I only came with Nicotiana. It is the first time I come alone dressed as a woman. I enter. There is some smoke in here. A few people sit around two tables, playing chess. Others are talking.
I hear on guy, with a punk haircut, with vinyl jacket and baggy pants, talking:
"And you believe me? That bitch started to attack me! She hurt me, almost broke my balls! I want to kill her! I offered her 100 $ and she burned them! I want my money back!"
"Relax", says one man near him. "You will never get money from her!"
"Just be happy that she didn't kill you", says a woman.
"Has she killed other people?" he asks lighting a cigarette.
"Yes", says the woman.
Then, this guy looks straight at me and says:
"There she is!"
People around start to laugh.
"I'll kill you!" he shouts at me.
"That is not Ana", says a man. "That is Atan, her husband".
"What a fuck!" he says, with opened eyes. "What is that thing?"
I go to the bar and Ahmet, the seller, gives me a plastic bag, while I pay him.
"Hey, baby!" says the guy. "Want to sleep a night with me?"
I look at him, then move away.
"Are you not dead already?" I say.
"I'll kill you!" he shouts at me. "What's wrong? Is the skirt too tight?"
"I only speak with people that deserve to be spoken with, not with infidels like you", I answer and move away.
At that moment, he jumps over the chair to attack me. I crouch, make myself as small as possible... and he just runs over me and falls down, heating a wall with his head.
"I'll kill you!" he shouts again and comes to me. Without knowing what to do, I grab his hair and pull as strong as I can. Everyone laughs at him and one guy pours hot coffee on his clothes. The next second, he moves away, but I have some of his hair in my hands.
"Tell your wife that I'll come and fuck her, then I'll kill her. Next, you are on the list, bitch!"
People laugh at him, while I say:
"Where are you from, stranger?"
"Land Of The Sands", he answers.
"Better go back, boy. Anyone here can kill you!"
I move out, but he is still mumbling something there.
As I return, I am amazed by this. All my life, I was a punching bag. All bullies at school punched and bitten me over and over and I never dared to answer. When I was in 5th and 6th grade, some guys, after writing something on the chalkboard, returned and cleaned their hands of chalk using my clothes. Even the teachers were so used to this, that they no longer reacted. They even placed a bad boy near me, so that he will cool his nerves beating me in the classroom. But now, I am changing. I never ever gave a punch to anyone. I was a lonely schoolboy, staying in class during brakes or staying along in the schoolyard. My fun was to draw imaginary maps. And now... look what I am doing.
I realize that my parents are guilty of this, without wanting this to happen. Their strong personalities left me without any room for my personality. They never wanted to do anything bad to me... but they did. After my whole life of being dominated and suppressed, now I am finally free.
As I return, thinking about this, I see two women shouting one with the other, they know what for. At some point, one gives a punch to the other, who answers back with a hit. In other parts of the world, I should try to interfere or call the police... but what police exists here? I let them fight. The unwritten law says that you are not allowed to interfere between other people unless one is your friend or you clearly see that it is an abuse.
I return home. I give the plastic bag to Nicotiana, who opens it. Two pairs of leggings. She is in the kitchen, cooking something and smoking at the same time. I tell her about the incident and she laughs of that infidel.
"Good that I made him smoke!" she says. "He will die in these mountains very soon, just wait".
I hear the radio beeps. A train is coming.
"Go to the station, I will do the work in the kitchen for you", I say.
"Please, can you go?" she asks me. "I need to be careful doing this food, not to burn it. Ingredients stick to the bottom".
"Ok", I answer.
She told me how to use the radio station and how to signal the trains, but I've never done this before. But, it doesn't look hard. I go.
At the station, people start to come, to take the morning train to the capital. Honestly, I like people here. They are so communicative! They are happy and always talking, making jokes and having an opened heart. It is such a difference compared to the Civilized World where I once lived... in another life. There, people have some sort of anger. They are always talking that the minibus service is making delays (even if they have one minibus every 30 minutes, while here there are 4 trains a day, at 6 hours). There, people are obsessed that their salaries or pensions are low... but people here have at least 5 times less money and are making fun of it. There, people are literally intoxicated by their TV news programs, which throw venom through the screen, while here people are more interested in their daily lives. And of course, there, people are forbidden to smoke in public vehicles, in pubs, parks and even railway stations, while here, everyone smokes publically.
I talk with a few people, until the train comes. Back, in the civilized world, I would not dare to get into such a rusted train and I would keep distance to other people. But here, to be honest, I love these trains and these people.
I run in the station and signal upstream and downstream stations, as Nicotiana did so many times (only that, much slower). Then, I go out on the platform.
"Hurry, Ana, I am getting late!" shouts the train engineer.
"He is not Ana!" shouts someone.
"Sorry... Atan!" says the engineer, as I signal the train to go.
I watch it going downstream, then return. I don't think I traveled 10 times with a train before coming here. At that time, I was convinced trains are something that must disappear, slow, fashioned and useless for modern civilization. Now, I love them.
******************************************
As Alia comes, I finish doing this food. I take it from fire and while still boiling, I put it into jars. Food for the winter. Many things can be conserved this way. We go to the house. There, I take new clothes for us to wear, including these leggings.
"Today, we are going to be two house women, making preparations for winter", I say.
We start to undress. Then, I say:
"Stop!"
He stops immediately. We are completely undressed.
"Are you ok?" he asks me.
"I am fine. You?"
"Fine. What happened?"
We are both completely naked, only he has his fake breasts that I made from a bra filled with ripped clothes.
I light a cigarette and give him one.
"Can't you see?" I say.
"What? That we are completely naked?"
"Yes", I say. "And how do you feel?"
"I just want to put something on me".
"You still don't get it?" I say. "We are both naked and we look one at each other".
He looks surprised.
"And we have almost no repulsion about this. Nicotiana, this is incredible! But why? Why we can stay like this?"
"I have no idea".
"Let's stay a few minutes, to see how long we can".
We smoke a cigarette. I sit on one bed and he sits on another, completely naked. For the first time in my life, I see the body of a man as it is... well, except for the fake breasts. With painted nails, lipstick and painted hair, Alia - Atan still has something feminine. A woman with the body of a man. What my eyes fall on, is his penis. Is this how small it is? How strange! Not only that it is so small, but also looks soft, something like an empty balloon.
"I think that, if we don't touch and there is nothing erotic about, we can stay like this", says Alia.
"I don't know", I say. "I feel a small repulsion, but only small, to exposed skin. Do you?"
"I feel repulsion to sweat, but your body does not smell like sweat. A bit of repulsion, maybe".
As we finish smoking, we put on some clothes. This time, we wear light-brown pantyhose, more transparent, so that we can see our nails. These black leggings are tight to our feet and they end at half distance between knees and ankles. We have white low platform plastic sandals, with open toe. We both take a green blouse on, that covers our arms all the way to the elbows. Then, we add my favorite green lipstick.
"Ok, lady, let's go make food for the winter!" I say.
We go and start cooking. In the kitchen, I am the boss, he does what I say. Well, I noticed from the beginning that he does what I tell him to. It took me time to realize that this is because of his parents and their powerful personalities. Alia - Atan never had time to develop his own personality and ended-up with a truncated behavior. We've been together for an year and now he is slowly changing. In past, anytime I asked him something, he first moved back, then tried to answer. Anytime I said something, he said an unconditioned 'yes' first, then started to think.
We filled another set of jars with food. Now, we have a big metal pot boiling on the fire, waiting to be ready. We sit on the bed and light a cigarette. As doing so, I watch him. It is interesting that now, with these leggings, I can almost always see a little bulge in front of his legs. I notice that sometimes it is growing or decreasing in size. I've seen this at horses, male horses that are not castrated.
He figures out that what I am looking out and says:
"Nicotiana, if there is a problem, I can wear a skirt".
"No, Alia, it is not that".
"It is not comfortable", he says.
"If you want, you can wear a skirt. I am just trying to figure out when your thing grows and when it shrinks".
"I cannot answer this clearly", he says. "It just happens".
I light a cigarette, keep the smoke inside me and then blow it towards the roof. He lights one too.
"Does something similar happen to you?" he asks.
"You mean if anything grows? No, not at all, but we feel something. And it just happens, I cannot say clearly why and how".
He takes a drag of smoke, then lets it out through his mouth and nostrils.
"Just let it grow and shrink as it wishes", I say, taking another inhale. "I think this is the best way for us to see what are our limits".
"Ok", he says. "As long as it doesn't affect you".
"Do you feel anything that makes you increase distance?" I ask.
"What do you mean?" he says, blowing a long cloud of smoke.
"I mean, think about when we were naked in the house, about now, about anything".
"Yes, a bit", he says. "Exposed skin does something to me. But more then this, it is the smell of human sweat that repulses me. Well, if it is combined with the smell of pantyhose, I have nothing against", he answers, taking another inhale of smoke. "Touching, is another thing. Touching covered skin, covered with clothes, even pantyhose, is ok, but touching exposed skin, is not ok".
I make a small bubble of gum, then take a drag of smoke.
"I think that is the critical point for us", I say. "Well, if you were a man, I mean dressed like a man, I would have long stopped you. But as a woman, I can get much further, I don't know how far".
"Take your time, Nicotiana", he says. "We've been through all this and it took an year for us to reach this state".
******************************************
After the evening trains pass, we eat and return to the house. We take the fire from the kitchen strove and fill the strove in the room, to heat the atmosphere a bit.
The next moment, we light a cigarette and practice the smoky kiss and the gummy kiss. Our lips touch and smoke moves from one's lungs to the other one's. And so do our pieces of gum, which at some point touch one each other and got mixed. We also do a few kisses, shorter or longer. We kiss and smoke, then again kiss and again smoke. It takes nearly half an hour... until he touches my breasts. He didn't want, he knows that my breasts and my neck are my sensible points. My body twitches and I move away.
"Is everything ok?" he asks.
"You touched my breasts", I say.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to".
"No problem", I answer, blowing smoke in his face.
And as our lungs are full with smoke and endless clouds of smoke surround us, our feet are also touching and even gently massaging. Leggings on leggings and pantyhose on pantyhose.
At some point, we try to make a smoky kiss, but I push the smoke too fast in his mouth. He coughs as the smoke gets our through his nostrils. This makes me laugh, as his gum falls out of his mouth. I take it and put it into my mouth, then I take my gum and put it into his.
I lean on my back and put a pillow beneath my head, while my feet are on his lap. He starts to massage them, focusing more on the part covered by pantyhose and not on the leggings. As this goes on, I smoke. Clouds of smoke rise in the room, encircling both of us. And like before, beneath one of my feet, I feel his penis, increasing in size, even twitching a bit. I relax. I finish this cigarette and light another one, then smoke it all the way to the filter. He is so focused on my feet... all until I make a bubble of gum. At that moment, he looks at me.
"Do you want to change seats, Nicotiana?" he says.
"Yes", I say.
We change seats. Now, I am massaging his feet, while he sits on his back, with the head on that pillow, smoking and chewing gum. I like massaging his feet. It is something between another girl's feet and those of a man. Maybe he is something in the middle. A transgender. I keep a cigarette in my mouth while massaging his feet. At some point, ask falls on our feet. My hands gently push the ash into the smooth fabric of pantyhose and leggings, until it vanishes. Soon, I finish the cigarette, but I keep on massaging him.
We continue doing this for more then usual. And from time to time, I look at him. His face looks happy, fulfilled. All continues until the radio beeps. The night train moves up in the mountains. I have to go, but he comes with me.
We go to the station. As we wait the train, we stay close one to the other, on the bench. Our feet are touching. We hold each other with one hand, on the low part of our backs, so that we can feel where our leggings end. It is impossible to feel where our pantyhose ends, but this is enough. I put my head on his shoulder. I have a single cigarette and share it between us.
And then we kiss again. Our mouths have such a strong smell of smoke, incredibly strong. How much have we smoked today? Nobody knows.
It starts raining.
The train comes. It is only a small diesel engine, with one wagon for passengers. No cargo wagons are going now to the mine. At 3 AM, only this small engine and this wagon will return. Then, we go back to the house. The train is our signal to go to sleep. And not only for us, for the whole village.
"Nicotiana", he says. "I go out".
"I think I know why", I say. "I felt your organ growing and twitching. You need to masturbate".
"Yes. And you know we must have no secrets".
"I need to masturbate too", I say. "Only that outside it is raining. What are we going to do?"
"Well, you stay here and I go to the kitchen".
I say nothing.
"Why not you stay here and I go to the kitchen?" I say after a few seconds.
"I wanted to be more polite. We could try both in the same room, but I don't know if our bodies will accept this actually".
"We could stay today naked together", I say. "Who knows?"
"I have an idea", he says. "What if we stay both here, but in a way that we cannot completely see one each other?"
"How is that possible?" I say surprised.
"Well, you move to a bed, I go to the other one, but we cover ourselves with something. We could easily use a blanket".
"We can try", I say.
"We have enough blankets", he says, picking two.
"Ok", I say. "Just wait me to get my toy".
I go to the kitchen to pick my screwdriver. Then, I return to the house. I sit on a bed, he sits on the other one. We put a pillow on our backs and lean to the wall. We cover the middle of our bodies with a blanket, so that part of our feet, our heads and our breasts are out.
"Let's hope it works!" I say, as I start pulling my leggings down, then my pantyhose, then my underwear.
"I think it will work!" he says, probably doing the same. I can see his blanket moving.
As doing this, we both light a cigarette. I do this slowly, as usual, but doing it with someone close to me makes me a bit nervous. My body does not oppose me and this is really amazing. I blow a cloud of smoke under the blanket, to the place where my body is generating its pleasure. There, my hormones are now getting set under a level of control.
I look at Alia. Who could think he is a man? Even now, he looks like a woman. I see his pantyhosed feet moving slowly. I can see where his leggings end, but I don't see his knees. The blanket is moving with a rhythm and so do his breasts. He is holding one hand under the blanket and with one is moving his cigarette. his head, with green hair and make-up, look like of a woman. Even more, his fake breasts are visible.
I notice that his movements are different then mine. The pleasure is increasing and I again blow smoke under the blanket. He does the same, seeing me. Soon, our cigarettes burn to the filter. He moves faster, then immediately takes an empty pack of cigarettes under the blanket. I see a twitch on his face. His movements are slower now, until he stops.
"I am done", he says.
I feel the pleasure increasing. I increase the speed and make more ample moves. With one hand I hold the metal part of the screwdriver, while the back, the handle, is inside me. With the other hand, I gently massage the outside. Then, I feel an increase of pleasure. My whole body is feeling it, like a flame consuming me completely. What a deep pleasure!
As my body calms down, I feel exhausted. I slowly remove the screwdriver and look around.
"I am done too", I say. "Let's go to the kitchen, to wash".
Even if we masturbated in the same room and at the same time, even if we stayed naked face to face, washing together in the kitchen is too much for us. I let him wash first, then I go. When I return, he is nowhere. He explains me that men cannot reach orgasm unless they give out their fluids. He went to the river and threw the empty pack of cigarettes, now full with his fluids, in the river, washing away all tracks of what happened.
We return to the house, smoke one last cigarette and go to sleep. However, after all this, sleeping is the last thing I want. I know he is here, in the bed, near me. I know what happened, something I never thought possible. We reached this level after an year.
This is how sfenist love grows: extremely slow. I know we will never get to the level of a classic couple, where you see real sex occurring weekly or even more frequent. Probably we will never ever have real sex, but we still have something. We have our own happiness, we have our own moments, we have our love and most of all we do have a very strong affection bounding us together.
I just cannot go to sleep. And Alia also cannot sleep. We smoke a few cigarettes during night. But, in the end, we end-up sleeping. When the 3 AM train comes, I hardly awake. He also wakes and comes with me to the station. The train comes, just an engine and one passenger wagon. On the platform, 3 people are waiting the train to come and step in. Then, we return to bed.
"What we did is a trillion times better then when my parents forced me to have a relation", says Alia.
"It was something amazing", I say. "I never thought it to be possible".
Sexy, not porn. Watch, but not touch. Love, but not sex. This is how it is to be a sfenist.
Anger kills pain, pain kills kindness, kindness kills strength and strength kills anger.
Dreaming builds ambition, ambition builds power, power builds pride and pride builds death.
Ancient sayings.
It is now winter, between January and February. It has been over an year since we are together and since Alia - Atan got the citizenship. We live together in this remote village, at the End Of The World. But I see some pain in his eyes. I know where it comes. From his parents. For a long time, they cried and prayed for many hours that he will leave me behind and return home. I seen them only once in my life... and they tried to attack me. I am not angry on them and I never been. I wish this could be solved in a better way. His parents will never accept that their son is married with me, with a poor girl (compared with them), with a smoker and a witch. For a long time, I sent them messages every a few days, telling them things from our daily life. I hoped this will, at least, show them that he is ok. All I got from this, was a lot of ugly words and curses. Then, at some point, they said that they no longer recognize him as their son. And ever since, they never sent any response message. About every 15 days, I continued to send them news from our daily life. No answer. Just like they died. Then, recently, I received a message, a small one:
Don't call us ever again. You are both dead in our eyes.
I laughed. I usually don't put much heart into things like this... anyway, they are not my parents. For Alia - Atan, this was a huge shock. He needed time to recover. He even cried. I understand him. I would have cried too, but my parents will never do such a thing to me. Without me, he is completely alone now. I tried to make him closer to my family. Unfortunately, I need to stay close to the railway station, but I invited my parents many times in the evening. Even my sisters came often to us. A few times, he went to my parents alone. They are friendly with him and by now they really have nothing that inside the village he dresses like a woman. Nobody has anything against him. Well, some people make jokes about this, but it is not a problem for him. He is now fully integrated in our way of life. He also laughs at their jokes and makes his own. However, I feel that making my parents get closer to him, is not what he wants. What should I do? I have a talk with my sister Cemis and she comes with an idea. We should go for a little trip. So, I talk with Alia - Atan about this and he accepts. We will go to the Land Of The Plains, where the nomads live. And when he gets a free day from work, we go. Cemis agrees to stay at the railway station for us. I make the preparations for this.
We depart with the 3 AM train. I am dressed as a woman, but Atan dresses like a man. He needs to be like this for when we will cross the border. A man dressed like a woman will be suspicious for anyone. It is better this way. The train consists of a diesel engine, a wagon for passengers and 30 cargo wagons, filled with coal. It is all dark outside. We can see nothing. Inside the wagon, there is no light. People want to be like this, so they can take a nap. The train is struggling not to derail, with all its cargo. These trains are literally crying, screaming and trembling on the rails. Inside, you are pushed up, down or sideways, even at their speed which rarely increases over 20 km/h. When your eyes adapt to the dark, you can see contour of the mountains and a few other things out on the window. When you approach a village, at this hour, you almost see nothing. There is no street light and people close their lights during night. It is too expensive. Stations come one after the other: Almathea, Adrastea, Themisto, Leda, Himalia, Elara, Carpo and Metis. At each station, more people climb aboard. I hear their voices, but cannot see their faces in the dark. Some are talking, some are smoking, but most of them are sleeping. The only light you see from time to time, comes from the controller, who takes money and cuts tickets to passengers. He has a small lantern. Almost all wooden benches are occupied by people and a lot of boxes are now placed between and under benches. Since we almost have no roads, the train has to take all passenger and cargo traffic. It is vital for us that trains will continue to move.
Finally, Jupiter station arrives, with its red and cracked walls. It is dark outside. People step out of the train and walk on the snow and ice outside. Other trains arrive here too, from other valleys. The place becomes crowded, not only with people, but mainly with the boxes, baskets and bags they carry. Two men fight to upload some furniture in a train, while a few women download plastic bags with cheese. Trade starts from here. Some staff doesn't even go to the market. Well, we hurry to our next train, which will take us over the border, to the Land Of The Plains. I know the way. We go to the train and check our regional passports when we get in. It is not a long journey.
Both capitals are close. Between them, there is a large river. And just after we cross the border, we see Chiron station, where the thermal plant is located. Here is burned all our coal. In past, there were nomads here, but now they live in towns and villages. They are richer then us, but not by far. Their trains have the same age, but are more repaired. Their railways allow trains to pass with 40 to 60 km/h. Railways are dominant here too, but they also have roads. Well, their roads are full with holes, anyway. Our land and their land are strongly connected, economically.
It is morning when we arrive at Saturn, their capital. The station is yellow. We step out of the train and find an officer to sign our regional passports. Then, we hurry to a stationed train, where Atan can become Alia. Dressed so, we move out from the station.
We avoided to dress completely in green or to get dressed the same, so that people will just consider us two women passing by. Also, we had to consider that it is winter here. It is a bit hotter then in the mountains, but still cold. We layered a few clothes on us. On top, I have a black, long winter coat, that covers a green sweater. My hands are covered with red gloves. I have a black knee-long dress and I wear the green thigh boots, that rise higher then where my skirt ends. Alia - Atan insisted me to wear them, but he already knows that beneath them, I have black opaque pantyhose covered with leggings. Hope this will keep me warm enough. Alia is dressed with an artificial fur white long winter coat, that covers a pink sweater. His hands are covered with black gloves. He has a brown knee-long skirt. Just like me, he has green thigh boots. Beneath them, I know that he has brown opaque tights, covered with leggings. Also, since we are in a Muslim area, we cover our heads with a hijab. Then, I apply him a light tone of lipstick and little make-up. First, he used too much make-up and in strident colors. Now, he no longer does this, but still I like to do him the make-up. As a woman, you have to be soft and gentle, not to transform yourself into a porn star.
We start walking on the streets. At first, we walk hand by hand, but then I tell him:
"We have to walk like two women. I don't want people to think we are lesbians".
We move forward. Not far from here, there is a park, with a small lake in its middle. Now the lake is frozen and people use it to dance on ice. We find a bench where snow has been removed and we eat the food I packed from home. Then, we both light a cigarette.
"Just over there is the high school where I went", I tell him.
"This far?" he asks. "Was no high school in Jupiter?"
"Yes, there was. But I am a sfenist", I answer, while both smoke and steam get out of my mouth. "I wanted out. I wanted to rebuild my life somehow".
"It must have been hard to go this far", he says. "You crossed a border, after all".
"I did. But Abida was also at high school and she was in some problems. My parents don't have much money, so I had to find a way", I say, then take the cigarette to my mouth.
"I know what solution you found", he says, showing me his cigarette.
"Yes", I say. "In the morning I was at school, in the evening I used to sell cigarettes. Then, I started to sell tobacco leaves". I take some smoke inside me, hold it for two seconds, then blow it out. "I carried sacks of tobacco leaves on these trains, about twice a week. It was risky, but funny".
"Wow, Nicotiana! How many things you've been through... Contraband from such an age..." he whispers.
"What did you expect me to do? Cry?" I say, as another cloud of smoke gets out of my body. "The worst of everything is to cry. You just have to keep on fighting. And if you cannot fight, retreat, regroup and find another option".
I notice he looks at my boots. I look at his, thinking about the layered encasement inside them.
"I've seen a dog that lost one foot", he says.
"In an accident?" I ask, taking the cigarette to my lips.
"No".
"Was shot?"
"No. He had an infection and the doctors removed the foot", he says.
"What? They operated a dog?" I say surprised, so surprised that ash falls from my cigarette to my skirt. "Well, at how rich people are in the Civilized World, it is not a surprise".
"Well", he continues, "the point is that, even without a foot, the dog tried to live its life, like nothing happen. Yes, he had problems while moving, but he just ignored anything".
"Well, that is something from what we have to learn", I say. "And mainly you".
I see his eyes opening a bit more then usual and a small movement on his face, below his make-up. He takes the cigarette and puts it between his lips, covered with lipstick. I instinctively take another inhale. Then, as he removes the cigarette, he says:
"I think you are referring to my parents".
"Not to them, but the example with the dog can be good even for your problem".
He moves one foot over the other, whispering: "Nicotiana..." I feel the sadness inside him.
"Just wait", he says in the end. "Just wait, one day or another, they will change. This phase cannot last forever. I've seen this. I've seen parents that closed any ties with their children because they married someone they were not allowed to. And I've seen parents that came and bitten the unwanted partner of their child. Not only once, many times. Things change when a child is born, but not completely. Usually, they accept new children, but strongly indoctrinate them with hate against their unwanted parent. And in many cases, children grow with that hate. Believe me, it is the best that they are too far away from us. If they were here, our lives would have been a nightmare". Then, he takes another puff and says: "In the end, after 10 or 20 years, they accept all and no longer fight. They sometimes come alone to their children's families".
Something hit me like a bomb. He said about children. Well, like any woman, I want to have children, but as a sfenist, how could I? It is almost impossible for a sfenist to have a child.
"Do you want a child?" I ask.
He looks at me surprised.
"Me? I never thought about this. I really don't know. Do you?"
"What else is the purpose of life?" I ask him. "At some point, it will have to happen".
He takes one hand and puts it on my knee, feeling the boot, like trying to feel the pantyhose layered beneath.
"I don't know if it is possible", he says.
"I also don't know", I answer. "Maybe, for you it is easy, to produce some fluid, but for me, to insert them in my body, I don't know if I am ready. One day I will be, I hope".
As saying this, I take the last two drags of smoke. All this time has passed and he never thought about a child? I never expected this. Are we a family or what? Well, for any other people, it is so easy to make a child, but for a sfenist, it is a completely different story. It might not even be possible at all, to do it in the natural way. I never even dared to think about that. An artificial method should be the only way. Hope that time will come sooner or later.
"Don't worry, Nicotiana", he says. "One day, we will try it. But not now, not yet. We are sfenists and we both know what this means. It took us an year until we could masturbate in the same room, but to get to the point of making a child, we have a long path to go. I just hope that, until next year, we will be ready. But even if this will not be possible, we still have each other".
"Do you think it will be possible?" I ask him.
"I don't know, but I hope".
"Hope is the serpent that slowly kills whatever remains alive", I say.
"No, Nicotiana", he answers to me. "Hope dies the last and hope keeps us going".
"Hope dies the last, because by then, everything is dead", I answer him, as I light another cigarette. "Hope is the serpent. Don't you know the legend?"
"I do", he answers. "You told me".
Legend Of The Snake is about a woman that had a husband and a son. Both went to war, but in fact fall in love with a witch and her daughter. At some point, the woman found out where her husband and her son are. The witch could not kill her, but instead made her suffer more then ever. So, the witch made a spell and a snake appeared. The snake came to the woman, to torture her over and over. The snake was whispering in her ears: 'your husband and your son will return one day', but in fact they never returned. Slowly, the snake made her suffer until she died. In my language, we have two different words for hope, that can be translated as good hope (hope for something that can become reality and will be a good thing) and bad hope (for something that cannot become truth or if it can become, it will harm). Also, in the end, the witch killed both the father and the son.
"Just like that infidel that tried to fuck Junit", I say, with a smile in my face.
"Who?" he asks. "Ah, I remember. The one in the bar, that I tore his hair".
"Yes, that one", I answer, laughing. "What a jerk! Well, this is how males with too much testosterone end-up. Pathetic".
"I heard he died", he says.
"Yes, Alia", I answer. "He tried to take the hand of a woman, possibly even rape her. But her husband was home and... you know what happened".
"I know. And I also know Junit went recently to our house".
"Yes, she did", I answer with a happy smile. "I told her to never feel sorry for that infidel. And I also learned her to smoke" I say, taking a big, satisfied dose of nicotine.
"Can anyone survive around you without starting to smoke?" he asks.
"No", I answer short. "And will never do. After all, smoking is a good thing. What do you say, now, after an year of smoking? Do you regret that you started?"
"No", he says. "I only regret that I didn't start earlier".
We both take a smoke inhale.
"What I don't like is that people kill each other in these mountains. And nobody does anything", he says.
"Is that a problem?" I ask, looking in his eyes. "As long as they don't try to kill you, what do you have with them?"
"Yes, there is a problem", he says. "You know what happened during Orthodox Christmas Day. Two miners got drunk and started to beat each other. It was a nightmare on the train. Some were so drunk, that they stepped out in the wrong stations. But what amazed me is that people just ignored them".
"And you know that in that particular day a train derailed because the engineer was too drunk. Come on, that is drinking day. Everyone knows".
"Yes, but I think this is too much. Well, nobody attacked me in the train or at the mine. I guess that is all what matters".
"Yes, that's all what matters", I answer. "By the time we were home and finishing eating, some drunk miners came to their homes and started to beat their wives and children. Oh, I hate alcohol. Smoking cannot do anything bad, but alcohol has absolutely nothing good in it". I take a dose of smoke, then blow it away. "Alcohol is the blood of Satan. Well, I know that most popes and priests will argue the opposite, but there is a catch. At least in Orthodox Church, people receive a small spoon with bread and wine, symbolizing the blood and flesh of god Jesus. You hear this? Only a small spoon. And I agree that that spoon really contains what they say. But, come on! What is a spoon and what is a bottle? Do you think drinking a bottle of wine will bring you closes to god Jesus? No, it will bring you closer to hell".
"I completely agree with you", he says. "Alcohol is good for nothing".
As it is getting cold, we start walking again, on the snow-covered streets. We are Muslim women, walking on the street. All other women look the same, with winter coats and a hijab. Nobody bothers with us. People come and go, to wherever they go, passing close to us. We keep on walking and reach the main street. No vehicles are allowed here, only people. They walk in all directions, they look at the many shops around, smoke and talk. Children are happy and play with snow. We stay for a bit here, enjoying to see some children playing in the snow. Alia seems to be even more happy then me. Then, as we feel the cold entering our bodies, we go to a place.
Once we enter, I immediately notice something. It is a hookah! I don't even look around, just go to it and take a sit, inviting Alia near me.
"Is it functional?" I ask.
"Yes", says the barman, coming to me. "How much do you want?"
"Make it long", I say.
"Ok. What flavor do you want?"
"Something sweet, if you have. Just make it last as long as possible".
The barman starts working on it. You can bring me the best clothes, the most refined food in the world and probably 10 tons of gold, nothing will work better like smoking.
"Nicotiana, calm down!" says Alia, looking at me. "People will say you're crazy".
"It is their problem. I know what I want".
"Nicotiana?" says the barman.
"Yes, that's my name. Nicotiana Ana", I answer.
This makes him laugh, but I don't care. Well, it takes a bit and the hookah is ready. I take a lustful deep inhale, until I feel my chest filled to maximum. A cloud of smoke gets out of my nostrils, while I take another inhale. Alia tests the smoke, takes a small inhale, then another one. I think he likes it too. How much time passed since I last smoked like this?
We both sit here, on a coach, smoking through tubes. In the room, there is also a TV set, pointed to a news channel. The news are like always: car accidents which always happens, a derailed train which is something usual, husband kills wife, wife burns house of husband's lover, children disappearing, economical crisis continuing (as it has been ever since), bridge falls over a horse, someone killed for stealing cattle... only things like this. If you watch this staff, it will get you in a state of addiction and thinking the world will end soon. Well, not for me. Alia - Atan told me that anywhere in the world you see news like this. So, it is normal. It is normal that from a million people someone will kill someone, even if this is far more frequent here. Then comes something very interesting, about a bomb attack in the Land Of Dictators, resulting with a few deaths and much more injured The attack was caused by Sanders. This is interesting, because a group of Sanders crossed our village a few weeks ago. They went over the mountains. At that time I suspected they wanted to reach the Land Of Dictators, but had no idea what they are up to... if they ever survived climbing the mountains in winter. Why didn't they dress like everyone and travel by train? With all boxes that transit on these trains, you can probably pass even nukes, if you are smart enough.
Well, soon the hookah ends and we leave. We go to another park, much larger. Here, we reach an alley where there is almost nobody. We light a cigarette and step on a bench.
"Sanders in the Land Of Dictators?" whispers Alia. "Are not them those we seen?"
"I don't know, but they could be".
"Oh mine, this place is more dangerous then death itself", he says. "I was surprised how polite they were. Really surprised me".
"What did you expect?" I say. "What I don't understand is why didn't they take the train. Wasn't it more easy then climbing the mountains?"
"Well, as you told me. It is their problem. And as long as it doesn't interfere with us, I have nothing against them. May them blow-up the whole world!"
I laugh at this. Also, I make a bubble of gum. "Like this!" I say. Then, I take smoke in me and blow it in the air. "You need to be a bit crazy, if you want to survive here. But relax, they will come and go, not hurt us. I mean, we are far too poor for them".
"Those railway bridges are collapsing anyway, no need for a bomb", he says, while also blowing some smoke.
We both laugh, even if I have something sad in my eyes. These railways, even as damaged as they are, are vital for us.
"Better take an airplane and jump into a sky-scrapper", I say.
"Nicotiana", he says, looking at me without any smile. "Where were you when those airplanes hit the Tween Towers?"
"I was at my parents' house, in the kitchen", I say. "I remember the evening very well. The TV was on. I was doing my homework and also I was smoking. My sisters and my brother were there too. I clearly remember that Cemis was near me. She needed help at her homework. Then, we seen on the TV. It was on mute. Well, Abida seen it first and said: 'What a stupid pilot! It ran into a building!' not realizing what is happening. Then, we watched and Cemis said: 'Change it, I don't like action movies'. At that time, we only had 4 programs on TV. But on all, it was the same".
"At that moment you realized it was true?" he asks.
"No. I just concluded it is a commercial for a new movie. I got upset that it is not ending. Then, we started to watch, but Abida says at some point: 'Where are the good guys?' she was expecting Superman to come and save people from the towers. Still, for a few days, I believed it is a movie. And so did many people. It took two weeks for my parents to believe it. Many people did not believe it to be real".
"This is how people took it?"
"Everybody thought it is a joke. I mean, who could do such a thing? And even if it were real, why nobody opened fire at those airplanes? Better kill 50 people in an airplane then 5000 in a building, plus the passengers". I play a bit with my cigarette, take a smoke, then continue. "People were so convinced that it is a fake, that children started to play with toy airplanes, made of wood, to impact trees and objects. And when we got convinced it is true, people started to laugh. What everyone said is 'How stupid could they be, not to shoot those airplanes before?' or 'How stupid are they, not to see this coming?' People, going to chop a tree, used to say 'I go to cut down a few sky-scrappers' and laughed. Nobody realized that so many people died there. People here are not for or against any part of the Civilized World, they just don't care. Only that they see it as a paradise".
"Damn paradise! Thousands of people died in those sky-scrappers".
"Well, I told you how people seen it here. How did you?"
"Well, I returned from school, I was learning in evening at that time. I went from my room, where I was doing homework, to my dad, to ask him something. And I seen it. I believed it from the first moment and watched how the second plane hits a building. I watched until my parents urged me to go back to learning. Then, in the morning, I could not remember if it were real or not".
"Did people believe it?"
"Yes, from the first moment. Some thought for a few minutes or hours that it is a movie".
"People here still laugh and make jokes of this. Not because they love or hate the Civilized World, but because leaders of the Civilized World could not see this coming... and so, appear far more stupid then makes sense".
"But I've seen people celebrating the attack, in the Muslim World", he says.
"Alia, come on. It all is about brainwashing there. Here, nobody celebrated anything. Boys have a game: they throw with stones to a target. And at that time, they called their stones 'airplanes' and their targets 'sky-scrappers'. Land Of Fire is not too far from us and I know what is going on there, if you want extremists and brainwashed people".
We start walking again. This time, we take another route, along a street with concrete blocks of flats. We slowly move back to the railway station. As we move, other people come and go. Again, nobody has any idea that Alia is in fact a man. For everyone, we are two women walking on the street. But, when we reach the railway station, I realize he must change.
I take a different approach, maybe a risky one. There is a river nearby. So, I advice that we go there. Sometimes people go under the bridge to take a piss, so it won't be surprising. We go there and he changes clothes. Well, he just takes off the skirt and replaces it with trousers, letting the thigh boots remain hidden beneath. He takes out the gloves and the hijab, then we change our coats, because his is a bit too feminine. Then, he takes out the fake breasts. Yes, he has a pink sweater, that definitely is feminine, but the coat will hide it. We put all in a plastic bag and take it with us. We move back to surface, where a guy sees us and says:
"Where is the other girl?"
"She is dead, below the bridge. Go and find her!" I answer, as he really goes down.
"Why do men have to be so stupid?" I say.
"Because some of them need to be castrated", answers Atan.
We return to the railway station, then we take the train over the border, back to Jupiter. And from there, we have our own train back. Only that, this time, Atan changes fast, as there is nobody in the wagon. He is back Alia. And we will travel like this all the way home. We are back traveling with our old, rusted train.
"There is nowhere better then home", I say.
"Yes. Back to home with us".
"Hope Cemis made some fire. If not, all will be freezing in here".
"Nicotiana", he says, "thank you".
"For what?"
"For what you.ve done to me".
"What exactly?"
"Well, you know I suffer for my parents", he says. "But now, something cured me. I mean, just look around. People die in these mountains everywhere. You know what is going on in the Land Of Fire, how people are crucified there. Even in the Civilized World you are not safe. Just think about those airplanes that hit sky-scrappers. Well, this is the cure I needed".
"What? To see an airplane impacting a building?" I say, laughing at the idea.
"No. What really helps is to see how much other people are suffering. At that point, you see that your pain is nothing. My parents have abandoned me. I don't accuse them, maybe I deserve it, maybe they also deserve what happened to them. But still, I lost nothing compared to others. I am alive, I am healthy, probably my parents are also in one piece. We have a home, we have what to eat, we are not sick... But, more then anything, we have one each other. And that is the most important thing in the all known Universe".
These words amaze me. Yes, this is the most important thing in the all known Universe: that we are together and there is no force able to separate us.
The evening train arrives to our home. We jump down. Cemis did a great job at the station and she even tried to remove some of the snow. I thank her for the help, then we hurry to the house, to see what need to be done. There is a little fire in the kitchen, but nothing in the house. We eat, then go to the house.
"Do you really think that one day we will have children?" I ask him.
"Limits are an illusion of our mind", he answer. "Isn't it one of our ancient sayings?"
'Our?' I ask myself. This means his assimilation is complete. He now considers himself one of us, speaks the same language and shares the same unwritten law.
"Yes, it is part of our saying", I say, while also lighting a cigarette.
"Based on what happened since we are together", he says, "I think it is possible that, in some time, we will be able to have a child. But it's going to be a very long road to this".
He goes and puts some small branches on the fire, then larger ones. It is cold here, since nobody made a fire today. Steam gets out of our mouths. As he sits now, I clearly see his back and his boots. Then, he returns near me.
"It is too cold", I say. "But we should change clothes".
So, we change to evening clothes. This time, we decide to look identical. We both take a green knee-long dress, with yellow sweater over it. We take the long gloves. We wear a double layer of opaque tights. Since it is so cold, we move into the bed and cover ourselves with a blanket.
"Nicotiana?" he says.
When I turn my head to him, he touches my lips with his and he starts pouring smoke inside me. A smoky kiss! I let the smoke enter my body, then I breath it out, gently. But he doesn't stop and takes a fast drag, then pours again some smoke inside me.
"You make me your filter?" I ask, smiling.
He answers nothing, but takes another inhale and again pours smoke inside me. My body receives his smoke again. Then, I take a smoke. He comes with his lips close to me, but I just exhale in the air.
"Take your tongue out!" I say.
As he does this, I take my cigarette and let the ash fall on his tongue. He takes it in, chews it and then smiles. Then, I take a drag of smoke and stick my lips to his. We do another smoky kiss. I feel the smoke entering his body, then he lets it out through his nostrils. Then, I take another inhale and fill his lungs with smoke. And then, he says:
"Now, you take your tongue out".
I do as he says, as he drops some ash on my tongue. I take it in and chew it, mix it with my gum. Then, I take another inhale and make a bubble of gum, filled with smoke.
"Bubble with smoke, gum with ash", I say.
He smiles. We kiss short a few times, then again exchange smokes between us. And again we eat each other's smoke. And again, until all ash from our cigarettes gets inside our mouths. Our tongues are now partially black. And our gums are grey, with a completely different smell then before. I try to make a bubble but fail. The fabric of the gum changed. We do a gummy kiss, then. We exchange our pieces of gum. He also tries to make a bubble but fails.
So, I take two new pieces of gum, for both of us to chew. I then make not a bubble, but only cover my tongue with a layer of gum, that might have became a bubble.
"Wow, I never done that", he says.
"It is easy", I say.
He tries, then does it.
"What if our gummy tongues touch?" he says.
"We can try".
And we do this. We kiss and while doing this, our tongues touch for the first time. Well, not directly, covered with a layer of gum. But as our mouths move away, the gum sticks together and we make a small wire that connects us.
"That is nice", I say. "How about two bubbles touching?"
We do that too. We make two bubbles that touch, then stick together. As we do this, a trail of gum connects our mouths and we have to break it.
The evening train returns from the mine. We both take a winter coat on and go outside, wearing plastic sandals. He signals the train to depart, while I radio contact nearby stations. Miners returning from work, step out of the train. They all know us.
"Nice skirt you have, Atan!", says one of them, to Alia.
"You look sexy, girl", says another one.
"Thanks", says Alia. "See you tomorrow at work!"
This is how some people speak with him. They don't offend him, but sometimes make jokes.
We return to the house. Alia puts some coal on the fire. We both step into the bed, then cover our bodies with the blanket.
"I am freezing!" I say, as my body is trembling of coldness.
We stick closer, under the blanket. Our feet are touching and even hugging each other. Our hands are touching too, only our bodies are not getting that close first, then they do. We need some body heat. We get closer and hug, but both are gentle with our hands, not to touch each other in our sensible points. I must not touch his back, he must not touch my neck. Even after we have been so long together, it still is not possible to cross this barrier.
We light another cigarette and smoke it completely, also doing a few smoky kisses, sometimes followed by simple kisses.
When I look in his eyes, I see only little passion, compared with the sinful and lustful desire I've seen in many other guys. A little, not much. Sexy, not porn. This is good for me.
Then, we do something else. We move under the blanket, with the ashtray and light a cigarette, careful not to ignite the blanket, which is made of artificial wool. There is enough light here. With one hand, we keep the blanket up, while with the other, we keep our cigarettes close to the ashtray. Also, we stay in some sort of squat position, so that our knees are near the belly. So, we also can see our pantyhose, while our feet are touching. Also, our knees are touching. Each time we exhale, we blow smoke one into each other. There is no other way. The air gets so fast filled with smoke, that it becomes hard to breath... but we don't give up until we finish our cigarettes.
Then, we do another type of feet massage. He moves with his head towards my feet, while I also am with my head at his feet. We start massaging each other. It is a smell of sweat, but also combined with the smell of pantyhose. Somehow, it is not repulsive. As doing this, I also light a cigarette. With each inhale, I blow the smoke towards his feet. With two layers of opaque tights, there is no way to see his toes, but I know they are here. I feel them. And I feel him, touching and massaging my feet. I also feel him lighting a cigarette and then some heat at my toes. He must be doing the same thing, heating them with his smoke. This continues for a while.
Then, we lean on our backs, but on opposite sides of the bed. We both put a pillow behind our backs, so that we can see each other. Our feet are clearly touching each other. He has one foot over my belly, almost reaching to my breasts, while I have one foot a bit over his belly. And with that foot, I feel something. I feel his organ, growing and twitching slowly. While staying in this position, we light another cigarette. We smoke with one hand, while with the other we still massage one foot of the other person. This continues for a while.
He gets out of the bed to put some coal on the fire. Then, he returns. He struggles a bit to get back in the same position and I help him do this. What surprises me is that his organ is now small. Now, I find out that touching it with my feet is not a problem, but touching with any other part of the body might be. We still don't know what our limits are.
I move a bit, to get another cigarette and the lighter. As I do so, I move my foot and feel his organ increasing in size. Touching has any effect on it? For me, it has. I yet don't know for men, but as a woman, I cannot masturbate without touching myself. I heard about girls having orgasms without touching, but it never worked for me.
He also moves, to take a cigarette and a lighter. He takes his foot away, then as he tries to get back into position, moves it beneath my skirt, touching my genitals. I feel some pleasure as this happens, but some part of me says 'stop'. For a second, I see something like a lake filled with worms, ready to digest me. I see the slimy snakes that haunted my nightmares after I became a sfenist. It felt good, but I am not letting it to continue like this. I don't want to dream again those snakes, to shout in my dreams, to scream and to suffer. So, I gently take his foot and put it above my skirt. I feel the strong, double layer of tights that cover his feet, the same that covers mine. For a second, I see his green nails, the same with mine. As I put his foot above my body, I see another image: myself, crying, shouting and twitching, attacking him with anything I got. He tries to help, but I shout 'Get away from here'! Oh mine! This is what would have awaited me if I would let him touch?
"Is there anything wrong?" he asks.
"You touched my genitals", I say. "So, I moved your foot in a safer position".
Then, we again change places. He moves back, so we stay face to face. We again do some smoky kisses, gummy kisses and classic, short kisses. Then, after we finish our cigarettes, we remain in a strange position, with our foreheads and noses touching. Our hands and feet are also in contact. We remain in this position for a while.
The radio beeps. The night train is moving up. We both go to the station. There, in the cold air, we keep on kissing and doing smoky kisses. The train passes and we return, back to the warm blanket.
Then, as we sit in the bed, we hug, to get some body heat. Now we are completely touching each other. Well, he moves away and twitches.
"Is everything ok?" I ask.
"That just was too much for me", he says. "I am not ready for this yet. I don't know, my body just rejected this".
"No problem, I know how it is".
His feet hug my feet, as a response.
"I think we should sleep", he says. "The 3 AM train will come as usual".
"Ok", I say".
"We've been kissing for over 3 hours", he says.
"Oh yes, we did! And this is happening more often".
"Yes, Nicotiana. It is like we want to keep this going up forever".
"You know why, Alia".
"I know".
The reason this happens is because in a classic couple, hormones accumulate and then are released as sex occurs. But in a sfenist couple, this never happens that way. Hormones accumulate and makes the two be together. A huge affection accumulates, that binds the two together, in a very strong relationship, but never or almost never ends-up. It is like a plant that keeps on growing.
"I think my hormones increased too much", says Alia.
"I know what you want. Mine also are too high".
The only suitable way for us, is to masturbate. We cannot do anything better. I don't even dare to think about what would happen if we try something more. Only that, it is still cold in the room. So, we try this, together, in the same bed. We move to some distance one from the other, so that only our feet can touch now. The only thing we can see from each other is our heads, everything else is beneath the blanket. I focus on me. I pull my two pairs of pantyhose down, so that I will have space. Then, gently, I start working, like so many times, with the back of my screwdriver. On the other side of the bed, he is doing the same thing. I do this gently, as the handle gently enters my body. I also light a cigarette and hold it between my lips. I move it deeper, also touching the outside of my genital area. The pleasure starts to be felt, more and more. For a second, I think about my body. Smoke enters me through my mouth, towards my lungs. Second, I have some chewing gum, that many people don't know about. Third, I think about my feet, covered with two layers of opaque tights. Fourth, I think about my unusual green hair, that I love so much. And 5th, the fact that I am masturbating with the back of a screwdriver. My body is partially artificialized. Then, I look at him. My feet touch his pantyhosed feet and feel how they are moving.
Well, I finish the cigarette. I put the filter on the ashtray, then I take my hand, to help. The pleasure gets more intense, then reaches its maximum. I reach an orgasm. My body feels it just like a flame is moving through me. Just like a hurricane passed over myself.
When I look, Alia is still moving. He didn't reach orgasm yet. He start moving faster, realizing that I got it before him. Oh mine! This is really fast, as I can see the blanket moving and his whole body. With my feet, I massage his feet, to encourage him. Also, I light a cigarette. He hurries, then takes an empty pack of cigarettes and... everything is done. He remains about a minute in this position, then.
Well, like it or not, now we go through the cold, to the kitchen, to wash. Again, he goes first, then I go. Then, we enter the house and go to sleep, without saying anything. We are tired and tomorrow he must go to the mines.
As I go to sleep, I still remember the moment when my memories went back with the horrors from my past. The nightmares during night, the pain and suffering in day time... I realize how hard it is. We have nothing against if we touch certain parts of our bodies, but one wrong move and... nobody knows what can happen. I just hope my body will not react like with all those infidels that I attacked.
And the hardest question remains: Will we ever be able to have a child?
Time repairs any weakness and heals all wounds. Still, time cannot heal quite everything. A missing leg or a missing arm will not grow back, but time will help you live with this.
The Wiseman
It is spring. It has been raining for days. Up in the mountains, the snow is melting. Our river, which you can pass by walking with plastic boots, now is much larger. At 3 AM, when I go to the railway station for the night train to pass downstream, I notice water almost reaches my bridge, which is at 1.5 meters above water. Then, at morning, when Alia - Atan should take the train and go up to the mines, I notice water reaches the bridge and in the middle even passes over it. We go to the station, even if the radio did not beep. It should. We now have no electricity, but railway stations are equipped with a car battery for emergency, so the radio can work a few days even without power. Then, the radio beeps, saying a message in Morse code:
AL AD IO MISSING BRIDGE TRAIN RETURNING JUPITER PLEASE FORWARD AND CONFIRM (Almathea forwarding: Adrastea to Io. A bridge is missing, the train is returning to Jupiter depot. Please forward the message and confirm you received it).
I send upstream the message, to Ganymede station: CA AD IO MISSING BRIDGE TRAIN RETURNING JUPITER PLEASE FORWARD AND CONFIRM. Then, I send to Almathea, the nearest downstream station: CA AD CONFIRMED AND FORWARDED LINE CLOSE TRAIN RETURNING JUPITER. Each station upstream is sending then a confirmation through me, to Adrastea. About half an hour later, we receive a message from Jupiter, telling everyone that the line is closed, the mine is closed, until situation cleared.
Between Almathea and Adrastea, there is a bridge that collapsed some years ago. The miners replaced it with two tree trunks, then layered rail sleepers above the trunks, then placed the rails. We all knew this is an improvisation that will not resist for long. Well, now the bridge is missing, so anyone knows what happened. And we all know it will take time, at least one week, until the bridge will be back in place. Until then, the mine and the railway are closed. Passenger trains will still pass between Jupiter and Adrastea, in morning and evening, providing a minimal service, but until some sort of bridge is placed, no train will reach up here or to the mines.
We try to return to the house, but there is no bridge. All we can now do, is to walk upstream, until we find another bridge still above water. Then, we go through the wet grass and tree branches, back home. Now, we have a few free days.
As we arrive home, Atan changes into Alia. He takes off his trousers and other man clothes and I give him woman clothes. He now wears a yellow knee-long dress, over a green blouse. I have the opposite, a green knee-long dress, over a yellow blouse. We both have our feet covered with a double layer of pantyhose. The first layer is black, opaque. The second layer is demi-opaque, green for him and yellow for me. And we wear white open-toe low platform sandals. Then, I add a black belt around our bodies. We both have green earrings. I remember how he shouted when with some help from my sisters, we made him holes in the ears for this. But still, it was nothing compared to when I removed his body hair. That day, I've seen tears in his eyes. Well, by now, he got used to this. Now, time for a little update: we both apply a light red lipstick and a little make-up. Perfect! I also have a few bracelets, made of pieces of plastic linked with n elastic that resemble gem stones. There is no way anyone here could afford to wear original gem stones. They are mostly green, with some yellow and red. I put one at each hand and one at each foot. Alia does the same. I like that they are assorted with our nails.
We sit on the bed, looking out on the window. It is raining. There is nothing that we can do outside. We have no electricity, so we cannot use our laptop to watch a movie or have some activities on the internet.
"It looks like we are stuck here in the house for a while", I say.
"I can see that", answers Alia. "I think these will be extremely boring days".
"Well, 100 years ago, people had no electricity... in fact 30 years ago, for these mountains".
"So, what are we going to do?" he asks.
"Smoking", I answer, as I light a cigarette and give him one.
"Well, if you want, Nicotiana, I cannot refuse you, I am too addicted", he says, lighting the cigarette.
"Like we are not already smoking the whole day", I say. "This is the advantage of being a smoker. When you have nothing to do or when you want a break, you smoke".
"That's right", he says, blowing smoke in my face.
We smoke one cigarette to the end. Then, I come with an idea. We have a small closet nearby. This is a game we played a few times. We get in the closet and close the door, then light a candle inside. It is too small and we cannot stand. We sit face to face, with our knees placed between us and touching. We put the ashtray on the knees and light a cigarette each one, then start to fill the air with smoke. We start to get surrounded with clouds of smoke very fast. Also, the air is getting less and less breathable. After we finish a cigarette, we light the second one. The air becomes more unbeatable now. I notice that Alia keeps his eyes more closed, the smoke is irritating him. Not me. I like it. We light a 3rd cigarette then, even if the air is getting too filled with smoke. Breathing becomes difficult, until at some point smoking becomes almost impossible.
"I need to get out", he says.
"Just breath with your mouth opened", I say.
He lets the cigarette still burning on the ashtray. I take it and struggle to smoke two cigarettes, to make the air even more filled with smoke. Hardly, I finish it. Now, we only breath this thick smoke, with our mouths opened. This continues for a little bit, until he opens the door.
"We made it for longer this time", I say.
"Yes, we did", he says, "but I don't feel ok. It is too much".
"I am happy that we made it this far".
We go back on the bed, where we stay a bit, then smoke another cigarette.
"No surprise you are Nicotiana", he says, touching my knees with his hands. "You are transforming me into a thermal plant.
"That is true", I say, as I put the filter in the ashtray. "Also, you made me wear pantyhose all last summer, even in the hottest days".
It doesn't take much and we light another cigarette. This time, we do a few smoky kisses. He pours smoke into my mouth, then I fill his lungs with my smoke. We also kiss many times, with short or longer kisses.
As we finish this cigarette, he takes my feet in his hands and says:
"Yes, I made you wear pantyhose all summer and also you will do the same next summer".
"Yes, I will. Just hope you don't want to encase me with many thick layers in summer".
"Not in summer", he answers. "But while it still is cold outside, I might. I see two layers. Why not 4?"
"Ok, if you want to challenge me", I say.
I open the closet where we keep our pantyhose supply. We have many. I take a few pairs for me and a few for him. We layer more. We now have 6 pairs each, on top being a black opaque. Wow, this is pressure on my feet, but more pressure I feel around my belly, more exactly to its left and right. Then, we take a few ripped pairs that we still keep in the house and make a cut between the feet, then cut the end of each foot. This way, they are transformed into a top. We take our dresses and blouses out, then put on these tops. Wow, they sure make a pressure around the neck! What is surprising, is how much body heat they keep at your hands. Overall, they also give a black opaque color. Then, we put our dresses back. 6 pairs of pantyhose tops.
"Have you ever tried this?" I ask.
"6 pairs on the feet, yes. But I never layered more then two top pairs", he answers.
"Well, I hope this makes you happy".
"Sure. It is amazing. This is something I never tried".
Only that it hurts my neck, my skin more exactly. But if this makes him happy, I will do it.
We light another cigarette. The smoke gets into our bodies and then out. I instantly notice something different. Smoking while you are encased is different. It is like more smoke can enter your body. After finishing a cigarette, there still is some room for another one. Well, it has a medical explanation. Nicotine decreases heart activity and blood pressure in the brain. By using something to compress the body, more blood gets out of your feet, hands and breasts, to be moved towards the brain and heart. In fact, you feel an increase of energy and also a need to smoke.
With all these layers, I feel more difficult to move. It is hard to make fast moves with your feet or arms. And it feels very hot, that I start to sweat. Alia touches my feet and my arms. I do the same and feel what a pressure pushes on his body. It makes me wonder what makes him feel so happy being squeezed so tightly. He sure enjoys watching and touching me this way.
Then, I start another game, that I never played with him. We take 5 cigarettes and remove the filters for the first 4. We force each cigarette to fit into the next one, creating a very long one, with a single filter. We do two such long cigarettes and give them a light. We smoke these extremely long things. As the first one is burned, you feel nothing. If all five are linked together and no smoke is lost, you can exhale some smoke, but it is so strongly filtered by the other four that you can completely fill your lungs with it and feel like it is air. When the second one starts to burn, you start to feel something, but by now, if you are so addicted as I am, you feel the need to light a separate cigarette. When the 3rd one ignites and the first two are ash, you start to feel some smoke reaching you, but still feels like if you are smoking slims. When you reach the 4th one, the strength reaches a level of a normal cigarette and increases fast. With the last one, it is really hard. I tried with many people this, but usually I was the only one that could smoke the last one down to the filter. Well, we continue until only the filter remains. Wow, this is hard! What amazes me is that Alia also manages to finish all up to the filter. It is rare to see someone doing this.
We go out, to see the river. It keeps on raining and water is above the bridge (if that bridge is still there). My parents will certainly not come today. Then, we go to the kitchen. Today, I planned to wash some clothes. So, I make a fire and put water on it. Then we return to the house. I cannot wear all this encasement. So, we only let a pantyhose top and the original two pairs on our feet. Much better now! I've seen on YouTube someone layered 100 pairs of pantyhose, but for me, that is clearly impossible. Then, we return to the kitchen.
As the water heats up, we keep doing a few smoky kisses and even a gummy kiss. How much smoke we exchanged between our lungs? And how many times our already chewed pieces of gum moved between our mouths? Then, we wash clothes together and we cook something.
Watching Alia washing clothes and cooking is interesting. He is such a copy of me! With a cigarette in his mouth, he is doing the things a woman should do. Maybe it should have been better if he were born as a woman. Or maybe not. Probably it is better the way he is.
Then, we finish and come back to the house. We smoke again. We try to imitate each other, smoking at the same time, with the same moves and keeping the smoke inside the same amount of time.
"Nicotiana", he says. "I've been thinking about having a child together".
"Do you want one?" I ask.
"Yes, I do. But, as we are now, I still think it is a long road until we will have one".
"I know. Being a sfenist, is a hard barrier. I don't think I will ever be able to have real sex with anyone".
"Not that", he says. "If one day we will have a child, what will he think, seeing me dressed as a woman? He will think this is how men should be. I will need to stop this".
"Maybe", I say. "Maybe if we will have a girl, it will be more easy".
"Still, I will not resemble a good father".
"Well, still it is a long way until you will be able to be a father... and I will be able to be a mother".
He takes two fast drags of smoke. I continue:
"I don't see a problem for a child to have two mothers. What I mean, is that I am still far from the point where I will accept your fluids in my body".
"I still am unable to touch you naked", he says. "This will bring my memories back and all that pain. But if you are dressed with something, even a translucent pantyhose costume, I can. Or at least I think I can". He takes again two fast drags of smoke.
"We have to push our barriers slowly forward", I say. "I don't know how far will that be possible".
"I seen we can touch with our feet", he says. "Maybe that is the first way".
"What do you mean, alia?"
"I mean, if we somehow manage to touch our organs with the other's feet, it might be possible to get closer to that point. Then, we will be able to finally have a child".
I take a deep dose of smoke, thinking about this. How to do such a thing?
"You mean, to rub my genitals with your foot?" I ask. "Then, me to do the same on yours, with my foot?" I take another inhale and say: "I don't know, we could try. But we will be doing this one at a time. I don't know how we could do such a thing together".
We agree to try this. First, I will be the rat for experiments. I get in the bed and put a blanket over my body. Alia gets also in the bed, in the opposite position to me. He gently moves one foot towards my organs, between my feet. I feel it. Something inside me is against this, but I think about the chance to have a baby. "Just a little pain, Ana!" says my shadow. "Just manage to take this forward, it will work". Ok. I light a cigarette and I say:
"You got where you should go. Now, slow and easy".
I feel his foot moving, but it is a movement that I don't like. So, I take his pantyhosed foot with one hand and guide it. With the other hand, I am smoking. I start to feel some pleasure, even if it is doubled with some repulsion. I am at the border between two worlds, between my body that wants pleasure and my soul that wants to be alone. And he is not helping. It is far less pleasure then what I can produce with my own hands. Maybe because it is pantyhose over pantyhose and not pantyhose on skin.
My body accepts him, my feet accept to be touched by Alia, but I feel the rest of my body arguing against this. I take another dose of smoke, carefully analyzing my feelings. Still, what surprises me is that I can accept being touched there.
At a point, I feel his other foot approaching. This would be too much, so I move it a bit away. I finish my cigarette.
"Is it everything ok?" he asks me.
"No, not like this", I say. "Just wait a second".
I take my pantyhose off a bit, so his foot can touch me exactly where he should. Then, I light another cigarette and with the free hand I take the foot and move it to where it should be. So many times, he moved to my ass and far away.
If I think that someone is touching me there, I start to feel repulsion. But if I try to associate his foot with an object, like the screwdriver I used so many times, it is more ok. My brain is on fire, at the border between pleasure and pain.
By the time I finish the 3rd cigarette, I feel he is exhausted. And also, I am starting to give-up. But, amazingly, I feel it coming. Unexpected, as he still masturbates me with his foot, I find myself face to face with an orgasm. Well, it might be beautiful, but the other part of me is refusing and urging me to take his foot away from my body. But, it worked. Exhausted, I remove his foot from me and I light another cigarette, to recover.
Now, it is my turn. Well, I hope it will work fast. I spread my legs and start to massage him. At first, I don't exactly know how to do this. I start to gently massage it with one foot, as it increases in size. Doing this, feels a bit strange to me. I feel a little of repulsion, but only a little. Also, I light a cigarette. Then, I try to use also the other foot. It takes time. I ask my self if he feels anything, if it is worth my effort. Can he handle this, or the same repulsion will work like it did for me? Still, I made it. For the first time in my life, I had an orgasm made by someone else, even if it was very hard.
I feel how he moves my feet a bit with his hands, to a better position, then helps me a bit move as I should do. Well, I finish a cigarette and still am working. It is getting me tired. It is not easy to move your feet so much, but still, I don't feel that I need to stop. I light another cigarette, still doing this.
"If it doesn't work, remove your pantyhose so I can directly touch your skin", I say.
"Are you sure you can do this?" he asks.
"I think I am", I answer.
He takes my feet away, then back. Now, I feel his organ straight between my feet. I start moving. I just don't know how should I do. Time passes and I light my third cigarette, still working on this. He takes my feet in his hands and shows me how to. Now, I realize that I can do this thing. Even if I feel something in my body fighting against this, but still I can continue. The smoke makes me stronger. With each inhale, I get more power. It all works. Soon, he takes an empty pack of cigarettes and asks me to take my feet away. Now, he fills the pack with his fluid.
It was not as hard as it was for me, but still hard.
Then, we return to the kitchen and finish washing the clothes. We also smoke a lot in there. I don't know why I need to smoke that much, it is like I always must keep a cigarette in my hand. We make some food, finish making it in fact, but all the time I keep a cigarette in one hand. Even later, as we eat, I make a break and smoke, even smoke while eating.
"Are you ok?" asks him.
"I think so", I answer.
"Maybe we have gone too far", he says.
"I don't know yet", I answer. "Just I need to smoke more then usual".
Because he sees that I don't eat, he moves his head close to me and gives me a kiss, pouring some food in my mouth. Yes, I am not eating much. I answer him by pouring smoke in his mouth. I also blow smoke in his ear, but there the smoke has no way to enter deeper in his body. Then, I take my gum back in my mouth and stop eating. He also takes his piece of gum and stops eating.
We go a bit out, near the river. Now, it is raining with little drops. The river is still large, but there is no chance it can reach our house or the railway station. We smoke another cigarette at the river. Then, we return to the house and do a little cleanup. Since our house is small compared to houses in the Civilized World, it all works very easy.
We are back in the house, sitting on the bed. I look at my feet, covered with yellow pantyhose, then at his feet, covered with green pantyhose. Is it real what we just done? Yes, it is. We light another cigarette in the house and smoke it to the end.
"I think we are getting closer", I say, lighting another cigarette.
"It was much harder then I imagined", he says. "The main problem is that I don't know how to do this".
"We have to do once without a blanket", I say.
Soon, evening comes and we decide to try again. This time, we will try to masturbate without covering our bodies. I am on one bed, he is on the other. We can clearly see each other now. "Ana, if you don't die now, you will never die", I say to myself. We both pull our skirts up, then push the pantyhose down, exposing our organs. Now, I see his organ, better then ever. It is small, but as he touches it, it grows in size. I look how guys do. So strange! Well, a strong feeling against this, feels my body. But, I have to pass this, if I want a child. I take my screwdriver and push the back, the handle, inside me, but much faster then ever before. It is not good. I start masturbating faster then usual. My body feels some pleasure, but far more stronger is the repulsion. But I have to do this! I light a cigarette, then another one. Smoking two at a time, will give me more nicotine to resist.
As I look at him, he moves one hand forward and backward on his thing. This is how guys do? It is much more easy then for me. I watch and struggle to reach an orgasm faster. He also struggles. Good that he has the clothes and the look of a woman, otherwise it would be much more difficult. I smoke two cigarettes at once, as he smokes only one. And soon, he reaches orgasm. I watch how he takes an empty pack of cigarettes and collects his fluid. That is the fluid I will need to insert in my body. As this happens, I try to do this faster, to finish it. Now, it is not about pleasure, but the desire to finish it. Anyway, it is far more repulsion then pleasure. Images from my nightmares come for a few seconds in front of my eyes. I have to do this faster! I have to! I put the two cigarettes in my mouth and work with both hands. Faster, Ana! And yes, I achieve an orgasm. Only that, the pleasure is almost virtual this time. It is like an illusion, hidden beneath a dark layer of nightmares.
"Done", I say.
"Are you ok?"
"I hope so. You?"
"No", he says. "This is too much for me".
It is now getting dark. Alia insists that I should eat something and we go back to the kitchen. I manage to eat, even if not much, but he almost cannot eat. So, we return to the house. We are like unable to speak. All we do is smoking and looking one at the other.
"There is only one more step", I say. "When we succeed this, we are ready to make a child. We will try tomorrow. We will use our hands. My hand on your thing and your hand on mine. We should use gloves. Tomorrow, when we wake-up".
"Ok, we will try", he says.
As the night comes, it is all dark. We have lanterns and candles, so we can make some light around us, but without electricity, we cannot use the laptop. Our connection with the world is halted. No internet, no movies, no music, no nothing. So, we go to bed, hoping that sleep will catch us.
Well, does it? I juts cannot go to sleep. I am an ambitious person and when I have something in my mind, I walk over bodies to obtain it. On the other hand, I am afraid that if I go to sleep, nightmares will come to me. So, I light a cigarette, then another, then another. Sleep starts to catch me, so when I light another cigarette, I almost fall it from between my fingers. Alia is also lighting cigarettes and smoking. I don't know. There comes a moment when you sleep but you don't realize this.
I wake-up when 3 AM should be, but I have no way to know what time it is. We have an electronic clock on the wall, with green digital led numbers, but without electricity, its screen is all black. Who knows what time it is? Nobody. And there is no train to come today. So, I just light another cigarette and wait for sleep to catch me.
Finally, we wake-up both, close to dawn. Some light can be seen outside. As we wake, we both smoke. I look at the pile of cigarette filters... How much did we smoke? My chest hurts when I inhale. Wow, this is something... if not too much, even for me.
Time to take the last goal, to pass the last test! I get out of bed and take some of the long gloves that Stromboli gave us. Two red pairs, one for me and one for Alia. We put them on. I see Alia tries to get some strength, then takes courage and pushes the blanket away.
"Now or never", he says.
The next moment, I feel his hand entering beneath my dress, then pushing my pantyhose down. He searches the place, then starts working on me. I feel him. But I feel no pleasure. It is like everything of me is rejecting. Everything is fighting against, even if I don't move. I feel his hand moving there, then he finds my hole and one finger gets in... or two fingers. I cannot say. There is some pleasure, but it is like a snowball falling in hell. Inside me, all fires are releasing, everything but pleasure. He continues.
At some point, I look in his eyes. I don't see pleasure. He must be feeling what I feel or something similar. Are we doing the good thing? I don't know. All I know is that it doesn't take much and I reach an orgasm. But again, it is anything else then pleasure.
Now, my time. I push my hand beneath his dress and feel the thing, covered with pantyhose. I make my way through, pushing the pantyhose down. It is in my hand. Good I have a glove, otherwise I would not have the power to do this. Now, to do just as I seen him doing. Time to push up and down. I feel the thing growing, then getting harder. So, this is how it moves... I keep on moving for a few minutes.
"It's coming", he says. "Get an empty pack of cigarettes!"
Ok, then. I take an empty pack and put it at that organ's end, while still stroking him. Ok, now. I cannot see, but I hope I did it right. However, it is not like that. I see fluids on my gloves and maybe also on his dress or on pantyhose there are a few drops. And I look inside the pack. This is the staff that I have to insert in my body to have a child? This stinky slimy staff? How horrible! I just throw the pack on the floor. The smell makes me remember. Oh no!
Then, I look in his eyes. I see anything else then pleasure. I see pain in his eyes.
This time, I take 3 cigarettes and light all of them and smoke all of them, to the end. And as I finish, I kneel on the ground. He comes and sits near me.
"Alia, I am sorry, but I think I did a very bad thing to you".
Yes, I realize I pushed him into pain. And he says nothing, just sits near me and smokes a cigarette.
"In medicine, there is a rule", he says. "And that rule says 'first, don't harm'. Nicotiana, we both are sfenists. It is time to stop. We are going too far and this will kill us both. I also want a child, but what good is a child if its mother or father will lose their minds?"
Isn't it right? How many people got insane after sexual abuses? We are sfenists, we are somewhere at the limit. A miracle prevented us to fall over the cliff, but we still are on the cliff and can fall.
"We tried to walk a path we are not ready to follow", I say.
"No, Nicotiana", he says. "That path is not for us. Did that old psychologist woman told you to go through these steps?"
"Not her", I answer. "These are the steps she gave to a sfenist couple which I know".
"Maybe those steps are good for them, not for us", he says.
"Those damn steps almost pushed us to our destruction", I say.
"Nicotiana, psychologists tried to 'cure' me with weird solutions. They even tried to give me pills to increase my libido... and all what happened was an increase in masturbation. What people don't understand is that not everybody can walk on the same steps. A car cannot run on the railway and a train cannot travel on road. The same is with us. We are sfenists and people try to force us into the main population. It just is impossible. We are different and there is no way we can change this".
Isn't it right? What am I doing? I light another cigarette and think about.
"I want a child too, but never dared to think that far. I have another idea. Let's wait until summer and then we will try this, in a much more simple way. Just the most simple one. I masturbate, then I give you a syringe with fluid and you insert it in you... or if you don't want, I will insert it. Believe me, it will be far more easy then all this. In fact, I think we could have done this by now, instead of going through all this", he says in the end.
*******************************
It was a big mistake what we did at that time. It was a big fall back for our relation. It took a few days until we again could do smoky kisses. Even more time, weeks, took us to reach back to how we were a few weeks before this. We never touched each other's intimate parts for months. And all this, because we are sfenists.
What is the purpose for a human in its life? To build a house, to make a child and to plant a tree.
Ancient saying.
It is now summer. Over an year and half has passed since we are together. I never imagined that such a strong friendship will form. And it is even more. Being sfenists, we are somewhere half between a friendship and a relationship. Only one thing really counts: that we are happy and we form a very strong couple.
Some things have changed. My big sister Abida now has a child. My little sister Cemis is pregnant and soon will have her first child. In these mountains, were medical service does not exist, children are born in the old, traditional way. Families have many children. I grew up with two sisters and a brother. He moved to another valley and comes here more rare, but he also is married and has children.
As one would guess, my parents put some pressure on us, to make a child too. Well, I see they want one, but they know we are sfenists. They know it is almost (if not completely) impossible for us to have real sex. 3 or 4 months ago, we tried something that still is far from sex, mutual masturbation. We managed to do so, but it was only pain. From that day, we calmed down, realizing this is beyond our limits. It will only produce pain and suffering and in the end it will destroy us. From that moment on, our romance has diminished. We still make smoky kisses, we still use to put one's feet in the other's lap, we still are vey close, but something has changed. Now, we are somehow colder. It looks like our relation has cooled a bit... or a bit more. Or has it? There is less affection, but we still are strongly bound together. I cannot imagine how would it be to spend a night alone without him.
I remember what that old psychologist woman told us, that a sfenist relation has 5 phases. In the last phase, it looks like the relation is cooling a bit, but in fact it is the sign that it has reached maturity. In stage 4, the two are exploring their sexuality as far as it is possible, given the wounds of their souls. Finally, some sort of equilibrium is reached at some point. If this is how things are, then we just have reached the 5th step. But I don't know. Last time, I was trying to use the advices she gave to another sfenist couple and it all went wrong. Maybe it is the fact that those advices were not for us, were something specific for them.
Each sfenist has other kind of wounds. What works for one, will not work for someone else.
*******************************
In the evening, I wait Alia - Atan to return from the mines. I am in the railway station, smoking and talking with some people who also wait the train to go downstream. The radio has beeped in Morse code that the train is on its way, but also beeped the thing that worries me the most: DRUNK. The engineer is drunk. Oh mine! That can lead to a lot of problems. The train is coming, I can see it. It is a few minutes before schedule. That is not good, the railways are badly unrepaired. Not respecting the speed restrictions and... you derail and destroy the rails too. The train is coming too fast!
When the train reaches the station, it doesn't stop. What??? The train just passes our station. Then, we hear a powerful sound. The breaks! The train is passing behind the last switch, with a horrible sound. I instantly realize what is happening, when I hear another sound, much more powerful. The train has derailed! I and all people from the platform run to see what is going on. For sure the train has derailed. People step out of the train, shouting at the engineer. Well, I understand them, but I am more worried about how the train derailed. Very simple, indeed. The train stopped fast and the pressure forced the rails to move apart. The old wood rail sleepers are rotten or even no longer exist at all. In such conditions, a strong force is enough to make the rails move. Change distance between the rails and for sure any train will derail.
As the protocol requires, I check out the damage. Nobody looks hurt. Two of the 3 wagons are off rail. The engine is still on tracks, while the first wagon is with the last wheels off rail. I check the engineer. It's Stallion, he is drunk, but the impact made him wake-up, at least partially.
"You idiot, look what you've done!" shouts someone.
"We are hungry! We want go home!" shouts another worker.
Atan comes to me and we hug. Then, we look around.
"His wife is cheating him, that's why he got drunk", he says.
"Again?" I ask.
"Ana", says an old man. Separate the engine, so we can go home riding on it!"
"Does anyone know how to do this?" I ask.
A few miners go to the connection and separates the wagons. Now the engine can freely go. I insist that a few people get in the cabin, to make sure he will be awake. Then, I hurry to the station, to radio contact nearby stations. I inform Ganymede that the train has reached me, then I inform Almathea that the train is coming, adding the warning message: DRUNK. Then, I hurry and signal the engine to go. And it goes, crowded with people staying on all sides of the engine. Then, I return to the radio, to forward a message to Juipter Depot. Here, messages travel from station to station, via radio Morse beeps. My message is:
CA AL JUPITER TRAIN DERAILED ENGINE ON TRACK GOING TO JUPITER.
I wait with Atan, until we get the confirmation. The message is:
AL JUPITER IO TRAIN DERAILED LINE CLOSED OVER NIGHT BE READY FOR MORNING.
I go to the house, with Atan. There, he changes into Alia, his feminine side. This night, we don't have to worry about the 3 AM train.
In the morning, we both are at the station, examining the damaged rails. I am wearing a white dress, Alia has a yellow dress. Both of us have sheer, shiny pantyhose and plastic open-toe sandals. A working train comes, with some equipment, to put the derailed wagons back on track and take them to Jupiter. What surprises me is that Arnold in person is here. He is the man that gets the money for producing and transporting coal. As he sees us, he comes directly to us. He is a bit fat, high and with black eyes, dressed in a black costume and with clean shiny shoes. A man with power, that many people fear.
"What happened?" he asks.
"The train derailed. Stallion was too tired and got asleep", I lie, not saying that he was drunk. "Someone pulled the emergency break".
"Sure he was not drunk?" asks Arnold.
"I don't know", I say, knowing that he can know if I lie. "I was more busy to see if anyone is injured".
Then, he looks at Alia - Atan.
"Atan?" he asks. "I heard you are a transgender, but I didn't believe it".
"Yes, sir", he says. "How can I serve you?"
"You have been a great achievement to us, improving our mines".
It is something very rare, to see a boss talking like that to an employee. He is up to something.
"I do what I can", says Atan.
"What can we do with these alcoholic engineers?" says Arnold, looking straight in his eyes.
So, he knows Stallion was drunk.
"I know Geology", says Atan, "but I know nothing about people. What I do know is that nobody must find out what happened, or a technical inspection would close the railway".
"You think so?" asks Arnold.
"For sure. I know what keeps the railways still functional, while they are too damaged for anything".
"Bribery", says Arnold short.
"Nobody must know that Stallion was drunk, or we risk a state inspection", says Atan. "We must say it was landslides. And about Stallion, he must be punished, but not hard. He must understand that he did something bad, but not punished to the point where he will say something he shouldn't".
"And what punish would you suggest?" asks Arnold, playing with the skin of his face.
"Moral punishment is much better then cutting from his salary", answers Atan. "At least in these mountains. You can force him to chose: pay for the whole damage, which is far greater then his salary, or do something symbolical. For example, tie a bottle to his neck or shave his hair, something that everyone will see".
"Or paint his hair", I answer, with a big smile.
"You know, this might work", says Arnold, thinking about. "I thought about pointing a pistol at his mouth, but you know how people are here. He might have a reason to try to kill me for this".
"Or, force him in every station to get down from the engine and say 'I swear I will no longer drink' so that everyone will hear him", says Alia.
"Could work, but we don't know if he will do this".
"Or, make him stay in a railway station, with a note saying: 'I swear I will never drink again'. That should work", says Atan.
Arnold lights a cigarette and offers one to each of us. These are contraband cigarettes from Stromboli that taste close to the real ones.
"I will put him here, in your railway station", says Arnold. "Just make sure everyone will see him".
I smoke this smooth and strong cigarette with pleasure. I know it is from the cigarettes I made here last summer... and many others are on the way.
"The line can be repaired. Ana, I want you to signal upstream stations, that the line and the mines are closed for today and tomorrow. I give people a free day today. Tomorrow, miners will come here and repair the line. I think it can be repaired in one day. And starting from tomorrow, Ana, you have a new job. I will send Stallion here, with an inscription on a sheet of metal, saying 'I swear I will never drink again'. Your job will be to make sure he will stay in the station and not go, so that everyone will see him".
Arnold returns to the pick-up train and goes back to Jupiter.
As this happens, I look at what Alia - Atan has become. From a dominated man, he is now a negotiator. In past, when I said something, he instantly did anything. He still lacks any authority. In many regards, he is more a woman then a man. What major difference is now, that he tries to negotiate and even to take initiative. What a change!
********************************************
Since we have a free day, we decide to go to the lake. There is a small abandoned reservoir in these mountains, where almost nobody comes. It is my secret place. We decide to go there, to spend the noon near the water, in the dense forest. For this, we change clothes. I take my favorite green dress, the one with a white leaf on its top, while Alia takes his green dress. With sheer, shiny pantyhose and plastic sandals, we go to the lake.
We have been here many times. It is the place where I come from time to time. To this lake, i told all my sadness and suffering and also all my happiness and joy. It is like a close friend. Probably it really is a friend, that cannot speak. How many times I came here and how many cigarettes I smoked, throwing the filters in its water? Hundreds of packs, for sure. All filters got vanished in the water. At some time, I used to collect the shiny metallic paper in cigarette packs... and I got over a hundred on the shore, but one day, I lost them all.
We put a small carpet on the shore and sit on it, like we done so many times. We take our sandals off and touch the water with our pantyhosed feet. Small waves form in circles. We stay like this for a while.
"Nicotiana", says Alia, as he holds me with one hand and a cigarette with the other.
"Alia?" I ask, lighting my cigarette, then move one hand to hold him.
"Do you still think we can have a child?"
I let the smoke get out of my mouth slowly, thinking about this.
"I don't know. But I don't think we can go through all we went".
"That was a bad way to solve something impossible", he says.
I take a double inhale.
"Maybe there is another way", I say.
"I think we would have done it in a different way. Some way that our wounds will not be opened again".
"Do you want to try again?" I ask.
"Yes, but in a different way".
I take a deep inhale, with two drags, thinking about. Why not? Maybe it still is possible.
"Ok", I say, letting the smoke out. "But how?"
"We should masturbate, then I take my fluids in a pack of cigarettes. Then, you try to pour the fluids in you. Hope it will work".
"Let's try", I say.
As I say this, we try. We both put one hand under the skirt, pull the pantyhose down and start working on it. I don't have my screwdriver, but still I try with a lighter. As doing this, I look at the lake, where I see the waves our feet make in its water. We have done this many times, masturbating together, but without touching each other. And even this time, we don't touch. As Alia gets close, he removes all cigarettes from his pack and takes the pack, empty, under his dress. It doesn't take much until I also reach an orgasm.
Then, comes the moment. He gives me the pack. I move on the carpet, asking him to stand and give me some space. It is not easy. I try to take the pack and pour the fluid inside me. Gently. It doesn't want to flow, well it is not quite liquid. It is something dense, between milk and honey. I lean my head down on the carpet, with my butt a bit higher. Slowly, my fingers manage to push the fluid out of the pack, into my genitals. I try to push it all, as deep as possible, with my feet and even with the lighter. I think I done it. It is also a strange feeling.
"Put something under my butt", I say.
Alia takes our luggage, our food in fact, which is in a plastic bag. He puts it beneath me.
"My fingers are slimy", I say. "I need a cigarette".
He then comes and washes my fingers with water from the lake, then cleans them with his own skirt. He gives me a cigarette.
"I think I should hold your feet up", he says.
"I don't know", I say.
Well, he goes to my back and sits behind me, taking my feet up to his shoulder. He also lights a cigarette. We stay like this for a while. Sitting with my head below my body, gets me dizzy.
"That was really easy", I say.
Alia gently pushes my pantyhose back and then adjusts my skirt. Well, I am too dizzy to react.
"Sorry, Nicotiana", he says, "but from here I could see all your organs. Better this way".
"Thanks", I say, lighting another cigarette.
"How long should you stay like this?" he asks.
"I don't know", I answer. "As long as we can".
We stay for about an hour and in this time we also smoke a few cigarettes. Then, we return to the position we had. I feel that a new chapter of our lives is starting to be written.
Two girls were sitting at the lake, near the shore. Both had a green dress and green hair. Their pantyhosed feet were touching the water. With one hand, they were hanging each other, while with the other, they were holding their cigarettes. One of the girls is me. The other was not a girl at all. He is my husband.
From all sexual minorities, sfenists are among the only ones blessed with the power to make children. And children are the most important thing for a couple, the reason to go forward and the shiniest gem stones on the crown that is a family. However, children born from sfenists are different then children born from any other families and any other people.
A conversation with a sfenist couple, 2004.
Fifteen years have passed since we met, since Alia - Atan, my husband, went to our village, looking for a place to stay the night. So many things happened in all this time. The most important thing of all, is that we managed to have children. Now, we have 3 children, which are all happy and healthy. This is the most important thing to us. First came Aisha, which now is 10. She is a beautiful little girl, smart but a bit quiet. At school, everybody notices her to be very good learning and very polite. Then came Adge, our son, which now is 8. He is far more polite then other boys in his class and also learning very well. And then comes Abidet, our little daughter. She is 6. Not yet going to school, she is full of energy and surprisingly smart.
As I am a convinced smoker, I smoked during all my pregnancies. I know what people in the Civilized World say, that smoking can affect children, but honestly I never believed that. After all, my mother gave birth to four children and smoked during all her pregnancies. The only difference I noticed is that my children were born a bit smaller. Nothing else. Well, here things are far different from the Civilized World. First, children are born at home and not in a hospital. There is no medical service. I know that in other places doctors check the mother and her unborn child from time to time. Here, nothing like that exists. Nothing, at all. If, for example, you cannot get birth, you die. Well, my addiction to smoking goes beyond any limit, up to the point where, when I was getting birth to Abidet, I wanted a smoke. There was my sister Cemis smoking near me and she took her cigarette to my mouth. With all that pain and forcing, I still could inhale... and this helped. When Abidet was getting out of me, smoke was also getting out. Well, I am Nicotiana, that's my official name and has been so for 15 years.
It is said that humans are born out of sin. And it is true. No human, nor animal, can have a child without sex. There really is no way. Maybe, in future, technology will reach a point where artificial children will be grown in incubators, but we still are very far away from that day. There is only one exception in this world: sfenists. We are a rare sexual minority. About one human in 3000 is a sfenist. We are victims of a sexual abuse or other kinds of trauma, that affected us beyond recovery, so that, having sex becomes impossible. It simply is not possible. If we could, we would have done it in 15 years. In some sfenist couples, after some time it becomes possible, but it is only pain. We tried and found out it is beyond our limits. All our children are made artificial... and this is the best way. Each time we wanted to have a child, we masturbated, then I poured his fluids inside me, with my own hands, with the help of a syringe usually. Is masturbation a sin? I think it is, but one far smaller then sex. So, our children are born without sin. Well, there is one, but far smaller then in other couples.
Another thing that is surprising, is that in my language, the word used for 'pregnant' is sfena. The word used for 'sfenist' is in fact sfenikh (sort of, we use many sounds that are not found in English and my transliteration is not perfect). Are we the only sexual minority able to have children? Homosexual couples cannot. Two gays cannot, as no man can be pregnant. Lesbians, as women, might be able to, but still they need a man to get pregnant. In case of a transgender couple, as long as the transformation is not complete and the genital organs are functional, children can exist. At some point, I was thinking about a man that becomes a transgender woman. Even if somehow he/she has a perfectly functional uterus (even up to this day I don't know if it is possible to build one), there still is something missing. You need to take from somewhere an embryo and insert it there. Other sexual minorities, like zoophiles (people that make sex with animals), eterophiles (people that are in love with love itself or virtual ideas), panophiles (people that are in love with objects) or virtualophiles (people who prefer virtual sex, in the virtual world), will never be able to have a child this way. One can argue that women still can have children via artificial insemination. Also, adoption is another possible way. But still, these children are not clearly yours.
And speaking about children in sexual minorities, there is one thing that has always been in my mind. A child adopted by a homosexual couple (or by any other sexual minority) will be strongly influenced by what it sees at its parents. The child will do what its parents do. There is a high chance for that to happen. I've read about panophiles. I heared about a man that was in love with a tree, about a woman that was in love with a road. Some might argue that those guys need psychological treatment. I don't. As I also belong to a sexual minority, I understand them. The problem is, when one of them will want to have a child (be it artificial or made through adoption), what will that child do?
I also wondered for a long time, what will mean for our children to know their father is a transgender. The thing I didn't put into the equation is that he also changed over time. He had two faces: one was Alia, a woman, while the other one was Atan, a man. At home and while being with me, he used to be Alia. He dressed as a woman and used make-up, fake breasts and anything earrings. While at work or when we were alone, he was Atan. He used men clothes, but beneath, he still worn pantyhose. His hair is not long and not short, just nearly touching his shoulders and painted green, like mine. In time, I removed his beard and mustache completely. It was very painful, but working with one piece of hair every day, in two years, I managed to epilate him completely. What will children say about this? Other children will laugh, hearing that "daddy looks like mummy". Not at elementary school, which is in the village. When they will go to high school or to an University, if they will.
What I didn't know at that time, is that things will change. First of all, after a few years, Alia - Atan started to mix his two faces. He started to go to the mines in unisex clothes. He found a way between. He can pass as something between genders, only his voice clearly shows he is a man. Everything else resembles something belonging to both genders. He now wears what most people wear here: cheap tennis shoes or plastic sandals in summer. In winter, he often walks with women booties that have no heels and can pass both as male or female. He still wears pantyhose anywhere he goes, only that now this is not a secret. In summer, when people wear shorts, he also wears shorts and his pantyhosed feet are exposed. He no longer wears fake breasts. He wears unisex sweaters, blouses and shirts. About the earrings, he made an interesting decision, to wear only one earring in one ear. So he wears one day in an ear, the other day in the other one.
There are a few exceptions. When we go further away and need to cross a border, he dresses as a man, but still wears pantyhose. And sometimes, when we are alone, in our romantic moments, he wears the fake breasts and a woman dress. There is one place where he always does this: at the lake, at the forgotten reservoir. And each time we go there, we both try to dress in the same way.
Also, since we are together, I worn pantyhose every day and every night. I promised him that I will wear them all my life, just as he promised that he will smoke all his life.
There is another thing that is important: his parents. For nearly an year, they prayed to their gods and begged for Alia - Atan to return home. I could feel all their tears, all their suffering. Nothing happened. He did not return. Then, they abandoned him. It passed a long time and we received no more messages from them. Anything. Things only changed when Aisha was born. At that moment, we sent them a message about. They answered, saying that they want a picture. Well, if there is something I hate a lot, it's pictures. I hate to be on a photo. And anyway, how can we make a photo of her? We just couldn't. When Adge was born, they again wanted a photo. I agreed finally. We found an old camera, but it made pictures on a film. I went to Jupiter and paid for the film to be processed. Then, I sent the picture via post mail and not through my laptop. Given the fact that the picture needed to pass many borders, it arrived very late and degraded. When Abidet was born, we no longer sent them any picture at all. Well, as time passed, they seemed to forgot their hate for me. Very slowly, they accepted us as what we are, a family. They understood that we will never leave these mountains.
Many things have also changed. Now my sister Abida has four children and my sister Cemis has two. With 10 nephews, my parents are very happy.
Talking about our children, they are different. It is not because of the huge doses of nicotine they received before birth, in the milk while breast-feeding or later, as passive smokers. My sisters also smoke, even if not as much as I do. I think the difference comes from the fact that we are sfenists. As I said above, children born from sfenists are not made from a sin (well, in fact they are made from a little sin). I know that the difference also comes from the fact that sfenist couples are different, but I strongly argue that the major differences come from the fact that they are born with only little sin.
Since Aisha was a baby, I noticed that she did not cry as much as other babies. First, I thought that she is different, but later I've seen other children behaving the same. So, I asked myself what is going on. Then, as they grew and started to walk, they were a bit more polite, more listening to what we were telling them. Like any child, they did a lot of dumb things. For example, they heard about scuba diving and took a duck into the river, keeping it below water until it drowned and died. That was the first time in my life I've seen a drowned duck. Another time, they took our hair paint and painted our two dogs in green. Another time, they heard about astronauts and placed a cat in a plastic box. Then they threw the cat up in the air and... it landed on the house, instead of hitting the Moon.
There are two major differences between our children and their cousins (children of my sisters). When they play together, I see it very clear. The first difference is that our children are more listening to adults and are more polite. Even as they play together, they stop when the others do things that are too bad. The second difference is that they are very united. I remember when I was a child, it was a headache for my mother. It didn't take 15 minutes and we were fighting. Some of us was crying or some of us stolen someone else's toy. Now I realize what a headache was for our parents. Well, my children are very different. They don't fight, don't steal the other's toy. And if one has done something bad, the others are covering the tracks. This happens almost instantly. For example, when they killed that duck, it took me a long time to find out what they have done. I found out in fact while listening to them playing, as they had no idea of my presence.
Another fact is that as I work at the railway station close to the house, I always have an eye on them. I spend much time with them, playing with them or working in the garden. At their age, they know well how to do gardening and how to make handmade cigarettes. Alia - Atan, when at home, also spends a lot of time with them. He is teaching them a lot of things. The fact that we both have graduated an University is very important, since we can help them at school. Our children know English, which is a very rare thing in these mountains. From a young age, we stimulated their curiosity and started to feed them with a desire to learn new things.
Well, despite the fact that sex almost does not exist, sfenist couples are extremely strong. It is a powerful love, only that there barely is some sensual love. In 15 years, I never had a fight with Alia - Atan. The only one occurred soon after we met, when I almost killed him, to convince him to start smoking. Since then, we never had any fight. My sisters had so many fights in their families, that they came to us to learn how is it possible to live without screaming one at each other.
Sometimes I find the reasons for fights really stupid: for planting a tree, for not changing the shoes when entering the house, things that really are nothing. Well, from a nothing like this, tensions can grow and keep on growing, even up to a divorce. Well, for us, this never happens. We always try to please each other in any way.
The railway collapsed many times, but each time it was repaired. Overall, things are like they were, but technology is slowly advancing. Cell phones have arrived to here. And when this happened, railway stations were equipped with them. We linked the megaphones with their speakers, so when a train is coming, they will make a lot of noise. Now, every train engine has a cell phone. But even with this improvement, derailments are still frequent, because the rails are still badly maintained. Cigarette contraband is still very important. Sanders still wonder in our land from time to time, as they pass to other lands. Just this year, they made a suicide attack in the Land Of Nomads. Contraband still flows through these mountains, as it always did.
In one day, I check the mail, to see if there are any messages from his parents. Surprised, I see this:
Dear you two, we are getting old. We don't know for how long we will live. Before we get too old, it should be better to give you a visit, to see you and your children as we still can.
I talk with Alia - Atan about this and he accepts. So, we explain them how they can reach us. Also, I tell the news to my parents and my sisters. In two weeks, they will be coming. I explain them all the steps, from the airplane they have to take to the Land Of Ice, how to move all the way while avoiding danger, how to move in the cities, what train to take and how to pay in each place. Even how to pass borders. It doesn't matter if your papers are ok, every custom will expect some bribery, mainly from someone that seems to be an outsider.
Finally, after 15 years, they come to our place. They step down at the railway station. I notice them immediately. After all this time, I cannot remember their faces, but I notice they are not from here by the way they move. We await them on the railway platform. We hug. When they see their son, they start crying. I also see that they are by far no longer the people I remembered. They are far older and thin, almost skinny. In their eyes, I see a long suffering and much loneliness.
They look at the children and bring a lot of gifts to them and to us. How many things they have brought here! Many! But most then everything, their tears speak for them. Alia - Atan also cries to see them after all this time. The children seem to try to be friendly. Soon, his parents are surprised to see that our children speak English.
Then, I invite them to the kitchen, where anyone would invite guests. We smoke, they don't. I send Aisha to my parents and my sisters and they all come to see. Also, they bring a lot of food. This is a rare occasion.
With so many people, the kitchen is too small for all of us. So, we go outside and sit on the grass. We all eat, from what we have. I explain his parents that we don't speak when eating and they understand. They seem to enjoy our cuisine, based on milk products. Today, we have some meat, because it is a rare occasion. Of course, we also have a big metal pot with milk and a huge plate with cookies that I made for the occasion.
His parents seem so happy to see this place, but even more happy to see all these children. All our 10 children are here and they sit around us and eat. Seeing them, their eyes are flown with tears. They just cannot stop watching so many children. And after finishing eating, all children start playing around. In the distance, other children can be heard.
As we finish eating, I light a cigarette. Alia - Atan does the same, so do my parents, my sisters and their husbands. Abida also has two bigger children that smoke. Now, I watch amazed how his parents accept this. They don't smoke, but accepts us all as we are. They don't comment anything seeing Alia - Atan with his hair painted green.
The only problem language. Only Alia - Atan understands their language, but since he never spoken it for 15 years, he finds more easy to speak in English. Also, only his parents and our family understands English. My parents, my sisters and their families understand nothing. So, we have to translate.
His father looks at the landscape. Behind our house, behind the garden, mountains rise, covered with dense forests. On the other side of the river, he can see the railway. Beyond it, there are other houses and gardens, then the mountains rise again, covered by forest. A few cliffs rise from the trees. It is a beautiful day, with nearly completely blue sky. Anyone can hear the birds singing and the river flowing.
"You live in paradise", says his father. "I never imagined these mountains are so beautiful".
"We are all born here", says my father. "For ten thousand years, we've been living here".
"The air is clear here", continues his father. "The water is clean. Where I live, people pay a lot of money to visit such places only for a few days".
"And all the food is natural", says his mother. "You live much more healthy then we do".
"Yes, we live natural", says Abida. "All the food comes from our gardens and our animals".
"I never imagined such a place can exist", says again his father.
"Only that you smoke too much", says his mother. "Or is that natural too?"
"All is cultivated here", I answer, showing her where the garden is.
"Small Wonder makes cigarettes all summer", says my mother, smiling. "It is her obsession, she made us all to smoke".
"You've been living in this paradise all this time", says his mother.
"Yes", says Alia - Atan. "Now, you understand why I don't want to go? Maybe it is the last natural place still left on the Earth".
"Sure it is", says his mother, "but you live in great poverty. You have 3 children. Maybe, Over The Sea, they will have a better life. Don't you think?"
"There is no place like in these mountains", answers my dad. "They will live here, with us, or in another place, but will not move away from the Land Of Mountains".
"Just look at them", says my mother, pointing at me and Alia - Atan. "They've been in the outside world and they like it here. There is no other land like ours".
"Be sure there is no other place like here", says his dad. "In our mountains, you see roads up to the mountain peaks. You only have a railway... and even that one, I am surprised how those trains still move. I smashed my head to the window a few times".
"If you want, there is a free house close to me", says Cemis. "You can move in it if you want".
"For sale?" asks his dad. "How much?"
"Old houses are not sold", says my mother. "They are given in the memory of the deceased".
"Maybe, we should come here from time to time", says his dad. "But it would be kind if I give the owners some money for this, at least as a gift".
"Why not to move completely?" asks Cemis, surprised.
"Our place is not here", says his mother. "This place is beautiful, but it is not for us. We lived in a world and our place is in that world, just as your place is in here".
For a while, my parents ask his parents about how is life there, about the way they work, how they travel, how they live, how they grow their children. Also, his parents ask a lot of questions, all until I get tired of translating. Then, his parents focus on the children. It looks like they enjoy to see this.
Abida lights a cigarette and comes closer. I see in her eyes, she is up to something.
"Ana, please translate this", she says. "Why did you keep such a distance to your son for so many years?"
I don't want to translate, but I do.
"In the world where we come", says his mother, "parents have to decide and accept marriages. It cannot happen without a bless from both parents. This is because children are not ready to see. They don't have experience and might chose something bad".
"We were looking for a girl with the same social status as he has", says his father. "A woman with the same school level, with the same wealth, coming from a similar family".
"He just left us and abandoned us, to come here", says his mother.
I translate all, then Abida comes a bit closer, so that nobody will hear her, but me and his parents.
"He left you because he is a sfenist", she says.
"What is a sfenist?" asks his dad.
I had no idea things will go this far. So, I have to say.
"A sfenist is a person that was victim of a big trauma, usual a sexual abuse, that affected the person beyond recovery. This is why he left you. He ran away from you, because you forced him to be in a relation that he could not handle. For a sfenist to be in a classic relation, it is pain. You almost destroyed him when you forced him to be with that woman".
"But I see you have children", says his mom, unable to understand.
"All our children are made artificial", I answer.
"And you are a sfenist too", she says then.
"Yes. This is why we are together".
"All these years..." mumbles his dad.
"You just didn't understand him. He ran to the End Of The World to save his life. Even after all this time, he cannot forget the pain you put him into, when you forced him to have a sexual relation. This is child abuse. My parents never did that to me".
Maybe my mouth took ahead of me or maybe it is something in me that wanted to erupt from all those ugly words they said to me. I forgiven them for all a long time ago. Even if my words were a bit too much, someone had to say this. I see the pain in their eyes, as they realize their mistake.
They remain here over night. I manage to make them sleep in the kitchen. Then, at morning, Alia - Atan goes to work at the mine. I remain here, with his parents. Aisha and Adge go to school, while little Abidet remains here. We talk a bit. Then, the children return from school. We all eat, we play with the children, then I have to wash clothes and cook. They look amazed how I wash clothes with my hands in a plastic basin and how I cook using wood fire. And then, I do some gardening with the children. Also, trains come and go at the station and I have to go there from time to time.
Next day, Alia - Atan also needs to go up to the mines. His parents go with him, then take the train back. I see them and they hail me, as I signal the train to go downstream. They are returning to their homeland.
When Alia - Atan returns home from the mines, tells me the last words his parents said, before living back to the Civilized World:
Our loved child, we are sorry for what we have done to you. Sorry for not understanding that you are a sfenist and forcing you on a path that you could never follow. We are sorry for what we done to you. We are all guilty that you now live in these mountains of paradise, for all you suffered and for all the bitter tears we dropped all this time in loneliness. We are not old and lonely, but it is all our guilt that things ended this way.
Children always share something from their parents.
What is born from a cow, will eat grass and what is born from a wolf, will eat meat.
A cherry tree will make cherries with cherry seeds and an apple tree will make apples with apple seeds.
Sayings, about parents and children.
This day starts like any other day here. It is a cold autumn morning, with a clear sky. Forests are painted in all colors. Up in the mountains, winter comes earlier then at the plains. My husband, Alia - Atan, takes the train to go to work, at the mines. I go to the railway station to signal upstream and downstream stations that the train is coming. Then, I return home, to make my elder children, Aisha and Adge, ready for school. After they start walking, I go back to the railway station. The train is returning from the mines and going downstream. All goes just as should be.
I am in the railway station, smoking a cigartte and admiring the mountains. Now, I have to go and see my little daughter, Abidet. She must be awake by now. Sometimes when she wakes, she gets out from the house, sometimes she stays more time in bed. Time to make her some breakfast. So, I go to the kitchen, still smoking. With the cigarette in my mouth, I prepare her what she needs. Very good!
With the food on the table, I get out from the kitchen. Close to the river, Alia - Atan made with the children a small park. They built two benches, a table, planted some flowers and some bushes. It is a lovely place to stay, relax and smoke. I often sit there. But, what I see shocks me. I see little Abidet smoking.
What is this? She is only 6! Oh well, I also started smoking at 6, so this is how my parents felt when they seen me. She is really smoking. And her moves are actually mine. She copied me! I like to take a double puff once, first puff pushes the smoke deep inside me, then I take a little dose of air and the second puff, mixing all in my lungs. And when I take the second puff, a very small cloud of smoke exits my mouth. Well, usually, not always. But now, Abidet is smoking just like I do, with double inhales. She is moving just like I do, with one hand at her waist and holding the cigarette in the other one.
What should I do?
The image is really shocking me. I just don't know what to do. Smoking is a good thing, but underage smoking is not. I often said that if my children will not start smoking on their own, I will teach them when they reach 15. Well, I hopend they will not start before 13, or at least before 11. But at 6? Now, what should I do?
I just watch her. She smokes so natural, so amazingly innocent and cute. Well, I smoked during all my pregnancies, so basically these children started smoking before they were even born. Then, nicotine was all around them. I smoked while breast-feeding them. Alia - Atan even made fun of me, saying: "Are you giving a cigarette to the baby?" Well, I actually gave them enough smoke when they were babies. Also, they started their lives as passive smokers. I argued they should not stay in the room when there was too much smoke inside, but only when there really was too much. They grew-up like this.
I just move in the house, gently, without making any noise, remembering my past. When my parents found out that I smoke, I was also 6. They forced me to stop, but I used to sit on the ground and cry. I cried even an hour, until they gave me a cigarette. Nobody and nothing could ever stop me. Abidet is blood from my blood, flesh from my flesh. I am still thinking what to do... when she comes to me:
"Mom, I am hungry", she says.
"Come with me to the kitchen, darling", I say. "Your food is ready".
We go to the kitchen, where she eats. I always like to watch the children when they eat. Then, I give her a glass of milk and a few cookies. All this time, I think what to do. If she is not addicted yet, I might stop her until she grows a bit more. But if she is addicted, then I will not stop her in any way. After all, I love smoking. I enjoy it and I convinced so many people to start. And my official name is Nicotiana Ana.
Everybody said to me that my children will start smoking very early. Quite everybody. And I agreed, always. But I thought about the age of 13 as good for that, not 6.
We go to our small park, near the river. We sit on one bench.
"Abidet, darling", I say. "What were you doing here before breakfast?"
"Nothing", she says. I know this is a lie. And I know very well these children cover each other in a surprisingly good way.
"No, you were not doing nothing", I say while lighting a cigarette.
I also take one and give it to her.
"You said I am too young for this", she says, taking my cigarette.
"You were smoking here. I seen you", I say, with a smile.
It is good to be your child's friend and not an enemy.
"I know you smoke", I say. "Don't hide from me".
She takes the cigarette and says:
"Yes, I smoke. I watched you and wanted to be like you".
I give her the lighter. She lights the cigarette very easy, takes a double inhale, letting a bit of smoke out of her mouth, keeps the smoke inside her body, then exhales. I watch carefully, to see if she really is addicted or not. But she is.
"How long have you been smoking?" I ask her, with a smile on my face.
She takes another inhale, happy that she can smoke in front of me.
"Come on, say me. When did you start?"
"When we went to the lake and you and dad went after tree buds", she says.
Oh mine! This was in spring. We collect certain tree buds and make a syroup of them. They are very good when you catch a cold. In these mountains, where medical service does not exist, we rely on natural cures as much as possible. But if she started smoking in spring and now it is autumn... she has been smoking all this long?
"First time I got so dizzy that I almost fallen in the lake", she says. "But then I started to like it".
She smokes in front of me. Her young lungs are small, so she cannot make large clouds of smoke, but she clearly is smoking. My decision is made. I will let her smoke. I just cannot stop her. I mean, this is how I were at her age.
"Abidet", I say, putting my arm on her back and gently touching her. "Don't hide from me. When you want to smoke, just do it with me. I don't like that you were hiding. Will you do that for me?"
"Yes", she says.
"Do the other children smoke?" I ask her, already knowing that she will not tell me.
"I need to ask them", she says.
In fact, she knows if they smoke, but she doesn't want to tell me. She needs to ask them if she can tell me or not. These children are so united, that it is impossible to find out something easily.
Oh mine! Little Abidet is smoking. But are the other children smoking too? I don't know yet. I need a way to find out. But how? If you ask one, it will never tell you about the others. Should I talk with each one separately or should I spy them?
I take Abidet to help me around the house, in the garden. She helps, like always, happy to do this. At some point I light a cigarette. I ask her if she wants and yes... she wants. All times I watch her, I am amazed to see that she smokes in the same way I use to.
Later, the other children are coming from school. As usually when they come, I prepare them clean clothes to change. Then, I go to the kitchen and prepare their meal. All of them eat. I also eat something with them. As it is polite, we don't speak while eating. I always make sure they learn the unwritten law that governs these mountains for millennia.
Then, I light a cigarette. I also give one to Abidet, saying:
"Do you want one?"
"Yes", she says, taking my cigarette.
Watching her, smoking at this fragile age, is like watching me in a mirror of time. She started on her own, I also started on my own. Nobody learned me how to smoke, I just found some cigarettes and tried until I got it right. and got hooked for life.
"Do you two want one?" I say, talking to Aisha and Adge.
They say nothing, not a yes or a no.
"Well, if you want to smoke", I say, "you are welcome. Only don't hide from me. Abidet decided to smoke and she smokes now".
I just let the lighter in the kitchen. We have packs of handmade cigarettes anywhere in the house. If they smoke, feel free to do so. I just go to the house and start packing some clothes, when the radio beeps. A train is coming and I need to go to the station. And I go.
"What are you doing, Ana", says my shadow.
"What should I do?" I answer. "Abidet is smoking. Are the others smoking too?"
"I don't think they do. But Abidet will teach them".
"I learned my sisters and my brother how to smoke", I say. "Even my parents stopped and I convinced them to start again. Abidet will teach the others for sure".
"Yes, it is just a matter of time. And now, you gave her free hands", says my shadow.
"Shadow, is there anything bad in smoking? I smoked all my life and I am ok".
"They will not grow", says my shadow. "They will remain shorter, like you are".
"Well, if that's all, there is no problem. At least their lungs will be as happy as mine".
Saying this, I light a cigarette and think about what is going on. I guess I've been smoking for 30 years, with between one and two packs a day. Let's say 30 packs a say. 365.25 days an year. I take a sheet of paper from the station and do the math. About 330 000 cigarettes! That totals 16 500 packs. We put 20 packs in a box, so you get 825 boxes. An average cigarette weights 1.2 g, but the tobacco itself weights 1 g. So, in 30 years, I smoked almost 400 kg of cigarettes or 330 kg of tobacco. Wow, that is 5 to 6 times my weight! This is how much I smoked? And I am sure in the coming 30 years, the same will happen. Oh mine! I never calculated this before. If I live long enough, I will reach 1000 kg!
I look at the cigarette I now smoke. Wow! This is how addicted I am!
At the University, I had a talk with the old psychologist that revealed to me that I am a sfenist. I used to stay with her in the breaks and smoke. She helped me very much to find my path in life. And also she talked about my unusually strong addiction. Well, she confessed that she tried many times to quit, but failed, so she took it all on another way: to give her body the nicotine it needs, trying to fix a daily dose. At that point, she gave me two examples:
"You won't believe it, Nicotiana, but in the 50's many doctors recommended smoking as a medical cure for a few diseases. There are also two cases of miraculous healing in medicine, around the 50's. Two men were suffering of lung cancer and they believed so strongly that smoking will cure them, that it actually cured them. Doctors were surprised to see them recovered. Anyone will argue that this is impossible, but I tell you, after many incredible things I seen in psychology, that it is. Our brains are extremely powerful. In many diseases, if you make your mind that something will heal you and you believe so strongly that it is the cure, it will really work. Those two men believed so strong that smoking will cure them, up to the point they really were cured".
I finish the cigarette and throw the filter down. My mind continues to playback my memories:
"On the other hand, I know a woman, she was a good friend of mine. She so strongly believed that she was sick, even if she was completely healthy. And you won't believe it, Nicotiana! She started to accuse imaginary pain and much more! Her brain made her throw-up and she was so convinced she was sick! In the end, she died from the illusion of a disease. Yes, her brain commended her to die".
The train comes and goes upstream. I go to the radio and signal upstream and downstream stations, then return to the platform and signal the train to go. As I go back to the house, my memories continue to roll:
"If you take a piece of toilette shit and eat it, but your brain tells your body that this is the cure to all your problems, it will really be. But if you eat the best and most expensive food in the world and think it is poison, it will harm you. It is all up to our brains, Nicotiana! Nothing else. I know you are extremely addicted to smoking. Each time you smoke, consider that it heals you and makes you stronger, not that it harms you. If you think this is toxic and will kill you, it will kill you one day".
And she is so right!
As I return to the house, I look at the children. They are playing and are very happy. How could Abidet be smoking for so long and I never found out? I watch how they play. Sometimes they are visible, sometimes not, but I still hear them. This makes me comfortable, that they are around and are ok. I cannot watch them in every second. Nobody can. After all, they have to start developing their own lives. I have no intention to oppress them as Alia - Atan was oppressed by his parents, destroying his personality and his life.
When another train is coming, I go back to the station and watch the children from there. After the train goes, I move and watch them candid. At some point I see Abidet smoking and giving her cigarette to Adge. Is he smoking too?
Evening comes. When Alia - Atan comes from the mines, I give him food and we all eat. Then, as usually, we, adults, light a cigarette. Abidet looks at me... and I give her one.
"Nicotiana, what are you doing?" he asks surprised.
"She smokes", I say. "I caught her today in the morning".
"Abidet, you are too young for this" he says.
"She is already addicted", I say. "Just as I was at her age".
Alia - Atan puts his cigarette, unfinished, in the ashtray. His face is a mixture of angry and sad. He also can see that Abidet is smoking with the same moves I do.
"You made her smoke, you make her stop!" he says, moving out of the kitchen.
********************************************
After that day, we allowed Abidet to smoke with us. Alia - Atan is more angry on this, but I just cannot do anything. My heart, filled with nicotine all these years, simply accepts this. Too early, yes, but that's it! And even if I would try to make her stop, we have tons of handmade cigarettes and dried tobacco around us.
Then, one day, the girls are playing near the river. I take Adge in the garden, to help me pick-up some vegetables. Then, when we are at some distance from the girls, I light a cigarette.
"Take one!" I say to him, giving him one.
He takes it and lights it. Then, I notice he is not inhaling much. He is not addicted. Probably he took a few drags from Abidet, but still has some road to walk on, until he is a smoker.
"It is your decision if you want to smoke or not", I say. "But if you smoke, you will remain small as you are. Smoking is for grown children and adults. If you want to smoke, don't hide from me. Do it near me and don't worry".
The fact is that, soon after this, Adge started to smoke with Abidet. It did not take long and he smoked with us in the house. What I asked myself is: did I made him a smoker? After convincing maybe 200 people to start smoking, what can I expect from myself?
*******************************
After a few weeks, Aisha, my big daughter, came to me and said:
"Mom, Adge and Abidet are free to smoke. I want too".
"Yes, my dear. Here is one for you". At least she is older then the others. How is it possible that she did not start until now?
"I tried and I cough. Can you help me?"
Oh mine! My own child, asking me to teach her how to smoke! What should I do? I must be their friend, not their enemy. So, I start teaching her.
"Just take a little bit of smoke inside your mouth. Only very little. Then breath in. At first, you only take very little. With time, you will take in more".
**********************************
So, it takes a month and our children are all smokers. Now, they smoke in the house and in the kitchen, with us. Even more, they start to teach their cousins. Once, I was teaching children how to smoke, now my children are doing the same job.
On the other hand, the fact that we allowed them to smoke around us, helped them gain trust in us. Now, after we eat, we all smoke. We do the same when we watch a movie on the laptop or when we are gardening. Aisha smokes while doing her homework.
Well, we always did the best to teach our children to avoid bad things. For example, alcohol, which is the blood of Satan. We always showed drunk people when we seen them around. Alcoholics are ugly, stinky, dirty, never polite and they piss in their beds. We showed our children over and over again how alcoholics are abandoned by their families and how everybody laughs at them. This is the way to talk with a child: to go down to its level and find examples that it will understand.
When I was in the first years of school, my parents used to tell my sisters: 'Don't smoke! Don't do what your sister is doing!' Well, it was the worst decision. Saying no, creates curiosity... and we were in fact all puffing like crazy.
This is with my strong addiction to smoking, our children started it very early. But what with the other addiction, that comes from Alia - Atan? His pantyhose addiction? As we both wear pantyhose and he is partially a transgender, what will happen? The girls are wearing pantyhose when it is cold outside. But Adge, our son? Will he sneak pantyhose from his sisters? Will he be tended to become a transgender like his dad? Will he, at some age, let a longer hair and paint it?
There is one place where Alia - Atan is always dressed as a woman, with fake breasts, with a dress and everything a woman wears. That place is the lake, the abandoned reservoir where I used to come when I was a child or a teen, to tell all my happiness and sadness. We come here from time to time. The children love this place, as they play in the forest and in summer go to swim in the lake.
They grew with their father as he is. The girls are used to wear pantyhose, but not Adge. He is a boy. Well one day Alia did dress him as a girl as we went to the lake, saying him that 'it is allowed only here, nowhere else in the whole world'. And since then, it happened again each time we went, but only here, at the lake.
Two women were sitting at the lake, near the shore. Both had a green dress and green hair. Their pantyhosed feet were touching the water. With one hand, they were hanging each other, while with the other, they were holding their cigarettes. One of the women is me. The other was not a woman at all. He is my husband.
Also, three young girls were playing in the forest around the lake. All three were wearing dresses and all three had their feet covered with pantyhose. They came to sit near us and lighted their cigarettes. The biggest and the smallest are our daughters. The middle one was not a girl at all. He is our son.
END OF PART TWO.
Everything comes to an end and every end is a beginning.
The Wiseman.
The book Smoke And Pantyhose is written for a reason. I wrote it because I think it can help someone. If you are a sfenist, it will help you understand what you are and what you can do. If you are not, but you find one (and mainly if you want to get married to a sfenist), this book will help you find an alternative path. The best of all is if two sfenists find each other and form a family.
As you might have suspected, I am a sfenist. My husband is also a sfenist. It was a miracle that we found each other. Now, we live a happy life. Before my marriage, nobody understood me. Everyone was trying to force me get into a relationship... and the same happened to my husband. We have been together for 10 years and we have children. This is rare, sfenist couples are extremely rare. I only know two, three with me. But, I know at least 15 couples where one is a sfenist and one is not. Also, I know at least 20 sfenists that stay lonely. Majority are women. I know two sfenist women that are lesbians. The past trauma had a significant effect and triggered this. Until now, I never heard about a sfenist gay.
In about 40% of cases, I noticed a slight tendency of becoming a transgender. Well, not completely, not to go to massive body transformations, not even to dress as the opposed sex. What I noticed is more a desire, something hidden and difficult to understand. In case of sfenist women, like myself, I noticed a tendency to behave like a man, to take initiative. In case of men, usually they are victims of gay people. Sometimes they tend to be more polite, to have a feminine side.
What I noticed is that the desire to have sex decreases almost to zero, but hormones still exist. Usually, we, sfenists, stick to a level of sexy, not porn or look, but don't touch. Sfenist couples form much harder, but are extremely solid. I also extended with a few details about children born from sfenists, because they behave different. I know this from my children.
Why smoking and why pantyhose? The answer is that, one of the most easy way to advance in a sfenist relationship is to use what fetishes and passions you have, if you do. You must use whatever you two have common. For another couple, it can be boots and sunglasses and for another it can be cookies and car engines. Well, not only fetishes. Each one must see what passion the other one has. This is the only way I know that works well.
I am a convinced smoker. Everything I wrote about smoking is true for me. It is true that I almost killed my husband because he refused to start smoking. It also is true that he has a pantyhose fetish. From the moment we decided to be together, I have been wearing pantyhose every day and night, to make him happy, just as he has been smoking for me. These two passions of us are the base on which we slowly built our family. Because of this, Smoke And Pantyhose can be considered as a partial autobiography.
Is Nicotiana Ana really me? Well, partial. As I said, it is a partial autobiography. I also used what I know from the other two sfenist couples I know, as well as many things from my imagination. All is done with a clear purpose: to show how sfenist relations form, develop, then reach the level of a family. I mixed a lot of things, but all are inspired from reality.
Names have been changed, as I think it is better to be. The only exception is that I really am nicknamed Nicotiana (and Ana is a shorter version).
Please don't think that all sfenists are like us. My knowledge is still limited to the people I know and to the region I live in.
Why this on Big Closet Top Shelf? The main reason is a very important one. We sfenists are a sexual minority. Well, in fact a part of a far larger minority, known as asexuals. Big Closet Top Shelf is LGBT friendly. From all people I encountered and that are not sfenists, LGBT people understood me far better then anyone else.
And there is another reason. Transgender people seem to understand us very well.
The third reason is that, as I wrote, 40% of sfenists show something in their behavior that belongs to the opposite sex. Well, from here, there still is a long path to a transgender. As I shown, a tendency for cross-dressing can exist, but it will not lead to complete body transformations. This happens mostly in case of sfenist men, since they have been usually abused by gay people.
Where on Earth is the place described in the book, Land Of Mountains? I thought someone else has found where. It is the place where I live. Well, it is not described quite as it really is, but very close to reality. I wish that one day our homeland will be a multitude of small, free states. For sure there will be poverty like today, but will be more freedom. This place, with so many legends and with a long history, is home to some of the oldest and most diverse people and languages on Earth. It is said that the White Race originated here. All the other places described or mentioned, are inspired from real places, but they are not connected this way.
If you are willing to find all lands listed here, draw on a map a straight line between Serbia and beyond the Aral Sea, then look to places crossed by the line or close to the line. You will get through or very close to Land Of Mountains and also through (or close to) all places described. I only give you the real name of a single land described. Land Of Dictators is actually Transnistria (Pridnistrovie).
I placed the action in an area that is familiar to me. Placing the action in the USA, for an example, will be hard, because there is a different style of life that I am not used to. Also, it makes the lecture more interesting this way.
Sometimes the text is ambiguous. Why? The reason is that my native language is not English. It is a rare and old language, not similar to any other language still spoken today. A second reason is that I had very little time free for this. I wrote all in a hurry. Sorry. If you want to repair and correct, feel welcome, but do it on your own edition.
Are all aspects based on something real? In most cases, yes. Cigarette contraband is true, but not quite at this scale. The fact about unsafe railways is true (and sometimes even worse). The story about parents with extreme authority is also true (and made a boy become a sfenist). Everything wrote here comes from something real, including religion and the unwritten law. Well, I never did contraband on such a level and my husband is not a Geological expert.
Also, the story about my laptop is true. It was stolen and crossed a huge distance from hand to hand, until it reached me. It is also true that the woman who used this laptop before me, is now dead. Through accounts listed on a word page, I contacted her husband, who gave me full permission to use her user names. Somehow, she still lives through this. She is in fact Ana Imfinity, not me. I have been using her name ever since, as her husband asked me to, many years ago.
This is the only image I have from the original person, on her old accounts. May peace be upon her soul.
Copyright status? Here is the major difference. I wrote and released the book Smoke And Pantyhose, with all its 30 chapters divided into two parts, with starting page and ending page, into the public domain. Everyone can copy, share, distribute and reproduce parts or the entire text. However, NOBODY has the right to ensure author rights, since it is in the public domain. You cannot copyright or resell this as your work, but you can multiply the text and even sell it, without author rights. It is public domain, if you know what that is. It works like pictures or videos of a mountain. You can do whatever you want with those pictures, but you have no right on the mountain.
If you want to make art from Smoke And Pantyhose, feel welcome. You can make modified versions and do whatever you want with them, but only as long as they really are modified. I would be very happy to see your versions.
Thank you for the patience you showed, waiting me to write all chapters and reading them.
THE END
Well, I don't have a camera to show myself, but I look somehow close to this image. At least, for the hair and the extreme smoking addiction.
I will not display my real name, just as everyone knows me: Nicotiana, Ana or Anaimfinity.
May you be happy.