This is a small confession from a guy. He trusted me because of my unusual sexual orientation, as a sfenist. I decided to post here his confession because it can help other people experiencing similar feelings regarding crossing strict rules. I will use for him a fictional name, Ivan.
This is what he said:
Ivan: Once I was riding my bike outside the village, through the forest. I found a pair of pantyhose in a ditch together with other garbage. Somebody must dropped it there. I had a strong desire to take them. I stayed for maybe half an hour, then took them, carefully, making sure nobody had seen me.
Ana: What made you do that?
Ivan: I don't know. Maybe this happened because I wanted to be with a girl. I mean, at that time I had no girlfriend and no girl was looking at me. But I was looking at them and I wanted something. I don't know. I just took those pantyhose and kept them for a while hidden in my pocket.
Ana: Maybe you did not want quite a girlfriend. Maybe you had a foot fetish and you were too young to realize.
Ivan: I don't know. What I know is that, after a while, I was again riding my bike in the forest. It was summer and I had short trousers and sandals. There was nobody around. I put the pantyhose on. They were a bit ripped and a bit dirty. But still, it was an amazing feeling to see the sun rays shining on my feet, to see my toes covered with pantyhose. I was very happy and had a feeling of fulfillness. I was riding my bike like this for maybe 2 km. But then I took them off, fearing that someone might see me.
Ana: Did you do that again?
Ivan: No, not in the forest. I did it two or three times when my parents were not home, but never again like this. It was something telling me that I am doing something bad. My parents never found out. But for me... even now I wish I could do that. It was like I wanted to be a woman and love myself, fall in love with my feminine side. I did not want to seduce a girl to get closer to her body, I wanted to be one myself.
Ana: Did you know anything about gender crossing at that time?
Ivan: No.
What is amazing about this confession is the place where it happened. Ivan did not have any idea about cross dressers or trans people, he had no idea that gay people exist. Even more, he did not know anything about how such things are punished in our area.
I am talking about one of the most dangerous places for such things: Northern Caucasus. Here, gay people are killed. If anyone would know what he had done, he would had been sent out from school and maybe out from the village.
For a while, I was thinking that the desire to cross gender barriers needs to be seeded in someone's mind from the outside. I thought that somehow you need to hear about it, to be tempted to try. Even if people tell you not to do it, you might be tempted to do it so.
You cannot do something that you don't know it exists. The best example is the ancient population from the extreme Southern part of America. They had no idea about clothes. Instead, they were making fire everywhere and were covering their bodies with animal fat to resist the cold. I thought that, in the same way, people would not easily come to the ideas of cross and trans on their own without someone to tell them.
Ivan's story tells us something completely different. People can have trans feelings on their own, without influences from the outside world.
If Ivan were to live in the Civilized World as we call it (Western Europe or USA), maybe he would go deeper into cross dressing. But here, he had to hide his desires fast.
I experienced similar desires and my husband did too, but in our cases, this had a significant influence from the outside world. We knew that cross dressing exists.
Thank you for reading.
FREE YOUR MIND
Two women sit in the forest and enjoy the nature view. One of them is me. The other one is not a woman at all... she is my husband. And even me, I am not quite a woman. We both are something between.
This story is dedicated to those who never had the courage or the chance to cross gender barriers, but who wished or at least dreamed to become what they are not born. They wanted... but society strongly rejected them. And then, as time passed, the change became extremely hard to do... but still not impossible.
The whole story is written and seen through the eyes of the woman.
The story is divided into four parts.
Part 1. The wife finds her husband secretly wearing women clothes. She wants to stop him, even to divorce. However, love is too strong and in the end she accepts him as he is. Unknown to him, she also dreamed that she were a man. In this part, other characters appear, each one with its different point of view.
Also, the story describes a very corrupted place, where state employees destroyed the economy with their abuses and excessive bribery. Now, they fight for power with mafia groups that have support from the people.
Part 2. The two decide to cross barriers even in public, but only up to a limit and with caution. The action takes place in a very corrupted town, where people can get killed on the street anytime... and the two manage to survive quite well for a while. In the end, considered gay, they see their lives in great danger.
During this part, the reader can see what lies around the town, a place where people still follow their unwritten laws and ancient moral concepts, but highly affected by poverty, wars and corruption.
Part 3. An ancient goddess appears and sends the two over 1000 years in future, on another planet, in a civilization that accepts transgender people and rare sexual minorities. Both start a new life and also start to transform their bodies.
The society here is nearly perfect, with equal rights to everyone, with a booming economy, but with deep scars of a violent past.
Part 4. The couple explores the world they now live in. This part contains some explicit adult subjects.
In the first two parts, the story is inspired by something real: both real people and real places. However, in the last two parts, everything is fiction.
The wife finds out her husband is a hidden cross-dresser. What should she do?
My name is Abida. I am a woman between 35 and 40 years old. Recently, I found love and got married with my husband, Aslan. We are a very happy couple. It seems like nothing is missing. I love him and he loves me. We never had a fight in 3 years. Friends of mine have problems with their husbands, with their abuse of alcohol, violence, money spent on gambling and many other things. Aslan has none of these problems.
We live in a poor town, affected by a violent past and present. This place has seen wars, deportation, repatriation, poverty, famine, hyperinflation, corruption, bribery and the rise of (friendly) mafia factions. To the South, lie the Land Of Mountains, where ancient ethnic groups live governed by the Unwritten Law. To the North is the Land Of Nomads, where former nomads now live, mostly Muslims, ruled by their Moral Law. It is a place so diverse, where religions get mixed up and people speak different languages on the street. We grew-up here. Roads are a mess, unrepaired for decades.
People are friendly... but at any moment someone might kill you. But still, I love this place. I find natural and normal what is here and very unusual the world outside.
Well, this story started in a strange way. I went to the mountains, to the shrine of ancient god Actit. I don't know why. something made me go there. As I went there, I seen a small fire. People use to put their offers on fire. I left what I had: a banknote and a pack of cigarettes. As I kneeled, I said:
"Thank you, goddess, for the marriage you gave me. Thank you for everything. Please, watch on my husband, so that he will be healthy and happy. Guide me, goddess, so that I will be a good wife".
Then, I heard the wind blowing suddenly fast and a female voice said to me:
"Your life will change twice. You will suffer, but this will strengthen both of you. This is for the good of you both".
I looked behind, there was nothing. All I could see was a cloud and a smell of tobacco smoke.
**********
Well, that was a few days ago. Today, I return from work. Boss got drunk and we all left the office. Aslan should not be home by now, he is working on a shift until late evening. I go to a shop, buy some cigarettes and something to eat. Then, I go home.
I enter the door, take off my sandals and walk inside the house with my bare pantyhosed shoes. Aslan has a very strong pantyhose addiction. He likes for hours to touch and massage my feet. I like wearing pantyhose, but sometimes this is too much. In the hot summer days, it is not pleasant. But still, I love him and I want to make him happy in any way.
I go to the kitchen and light a cigarette, thinking about what to cook. Should I make him a surprise? Sure. Why not?
Then, I realize that I am not alone. I hear music. What could that be? It looks like the TV is on. Is he home? I go and take a look. What I see, is beyond my wildest imagination.
The TV is on. Aslan is in the bedroom, watching TV. But, oh mine! I see him wearing my black dress. That one is too large for me. I wanted to give it to my mom. I see my wooden bracelets worn on his arms. But the surprise does not end here. I notice he is wearing pantyhose, my black tights. And even more, he wears a pair of my sandals, which hardly fit on his feet. I look puzzled at this, not knowing what to say and what to do. And then, I notice he is smoking. What? Aslan did not smoke. What made him start? Well, he is not quite smoking, but puffing.
Suddenly, he sees me and looks at me. His face looks like that of a thief caught in a jewelry shop. But, oh mine! He has make-up on his face! I see lipstick! This is something I've never seen.
"What a fuck?" I say, leaving the room.
I move out, take my cigarettes, put on my sandals and get out of the house. This happens very fast, like it was not me in control of my feet. I start walking on the streets, not to a specified destination, almost running. I feel a lot of repulsion, hate, anger, anything. "What a fuck?" I whisper. I found the perfect man and then... find out that he is a monster. In the same time, I am crying. Yes, I am crying because I love him. The perfect love. Was he a wolf covered with sheep wool?
I get to a bench and sit down, crying and hardly managing to open the pack, to take a cigarette. What should I do? How could I take this animal? How was that possible? But still... I love him. I am not able to stop this relationship. Still, I have to.
A little girl is playing with a doll in dirt. She sees me crying and comes to me.
"What happened to you?"
"I cannot find my lighter", I say.
"Here", she says, giving me her. "Can you give me a cigarette?"
"Sure", I say, after I light mine.
Tricky children! I was just like them. Exactly like them. She goes back to her doll, playing in the dirt and smoking.
Then comes the Orthodox priest. I know him well. He is born here, is married and has 3 children. He is a good soul. When he sees me crying, he asks, taking a sit on the bench near me:
"Abida, what happened to you?"
"Nothing, Father", I answer, trying to change subject.
"I am here to help you. Is something wrong with work or with your marriage? Wow, you two look like if you were made one for each other".
"On the fuck we are", I answer, with much pain in my voice.
"What happened?"
I hesitate to say. I know well that if anyone will find out, Aslan might get killed. After all, 3 weeks had passed since a gay man was found dead in the middle of the street. If Aslan is considered gay... he will die.
"You know we, priests, are not allowed to tell to anyone anything. We sworn to God this".
I need to tell someone. So, I do, with many tears, crying.
"I found Aslan in the bedroom. He was wearing my clothes and my make-up", I hardly manage to say, crying. "What kind of monster is he? Is he gay? Is he.. what is he?"
The priest takes some wipes to clean my tears, then helps me light another cigarette. Then, he tells me:
"Abida, calm down. Whatever he is, don't take actions too fast. Now, you are driven by your emotions. Please, calm yourself. Go to your parents, go to the park and rest for the day, take a day off. Let your heart calm down a bit and your brain to take control. Whatever decision you take, don't do it fast. Please, take your time. He might be a monster, but for me he looked like a nice and polite guy. Please, calm down, think all day about what happened, then go to him and talk to him. Don't take actions fast, you can take very bad decisions".
"Are you telling me to stay with him?"
"No, Abida. I am not telling you to be with him or to leave him. All I say is don't take actions when you are like this. Please, wait a bit, calm down and think. And when your mind will be clean, you will know what to do".
The priest insists that I should calm down. He stays with me for a half an hour. I feel much better.
I keep on walking on the streets, thinking about what happened. When we moved together, Aslan gave me a bag with pantyhose. He told me that in the cold winter days, when he was working in the night shift, he had not enough time to heat the house. He used these pantyhose to survive the cold winters. Now, I am starting to see a connection between these things. So, he was wearing pantyhose before we met and we formed a couple.
Was I blind? He loves my feet, but only when they are pantyhosed.
What is wrong with this guy? Is he a gay? Certainly, he is not, or at least he never gave me a clue that he might be. We have an active sexual life. It is clear that he loves me just as I love him. This is out of doubt.
I move on and reach the mosque. I feel the need to get inside. So, I open my purse and put my hijab on. But, at the entrance, something tells me to stop. Last week, when I went here, I heard our mullah with an aggressive speech against gay people. "They are servants of Satan and they should not exist in our town. They have only two options: leave or die". And that gay man found dead on the street, he had a note written and tied to his body, saying servant of Satan. I don't think it is a good idea to go to the mosque. So, I take off my hijab and light a cigarette.
Then, I remember a good friend of mine, Astana. She never went to a party, never had a boyfriend and never ever did anything then reading and learning. She works at the library, where all day long she reads. Nobody ever seen her doing anything else then reading or learning. Now, people come to her for advices. She is very smart and knows a lot of things, more then many other people. I never seen her even painting her nails. She always wears a white dress and flip-flops, be it winter or summer. She never drank a glass of alcohol, coffee or even cola. But still, she smokes. She started on her own and this was a powerful shock to everyone, who never imagined her to do such a thing. She never had a relationship and never felt the need to have one, being a perfect asexual.
So, I go to the library, where I find her just where she always is, at her office, with a lot of opened books and two working computers and with a slim cigarette in her mouth.
"Astana..." I say.
"Please wait two minutes", she answers.
I know her very well. I wait. Then, when she finishes, I tell her the whole story, how I found Aslan dressed with my clothes and how I left in a hurry.
"Abida", she says, very calm, "he is not gay. No. More likely, he is a sissy".
"A sissy?" I ask, surprised. "I never heard that word in my life".
"I studied sexual minorities", continues Astana. "Please, take a look at this site" she says, searching something on a computer. "Read this, it will help you".
It is about cross-dressers who hide in the world. They have a secret girly side, that they always keep hidden... and this can keep on forever. They are found in all places of the society. Sometimes, they hide this from their relatives and friends, from their wives and girlfriends for a long time.
They are not easy to recognize by people who don't know how to look, for they hide it very well. It's a secret for all around them, the fear someone finds out but also the urge to dress and look pretty. Most will never tell others around them and hide it as a second life, the girly side. This can work for a long time but most find out that these relations are doomed to break and then the feeling of loneliness is there. Many sissies think they the only one and "I'm not normal". They feel guilty for the break up of their marriage. Strong feelings of losing what they are build up inside. The shame of what they do makes them vulnerable, stressed and uncertain what to do next. Sometimes a partner finds it out and this can end two ways: a divorce or an acceptance. Some women find it interesting to feel that her partner is this way and they can slowly adapt to a new relationship. They will sometimes shop together for women's clothes and have a great life, leading a new life they both like. A few women will develop dominant feelings and these relations are deep and strong if lead in the right way. Then, a sissy gets the chance to dress and live like they always wanted. This relation can be a start of a enslaved sissy ,dressed and controlled by a Mistress in many ways.
"So", I say, "Aslan is a cross-dresser?"
"Yes, more exactly a sissy", says Astana. "He is not gay. What you've seen is a perfect definition of a sissy. He hides his feminine side from everyone. You found it by accident. This is his secret side. He is not violent, nor aggressive, just different".
"But what the fuck should I do?" I ask, with tears in my eyes.
"Abida, there are two ways. First way and the one I would take in your place, try to accept him as he is. Just as it is written here. Do it slowly, not fast. You have to be dominant, to be a ruling mistress. He is listening to all you say and he is doing all what you want, because he is submissive and sissies are like this".
I remain without words. Almost, my cigarette falls down on the ground.
"But it's horrible to see a man dressed like a woman! It looks like he were gay!" I answer, almost shouting.
"This is the other option, leave him. Divorce. It will end all.
Astana is very quiet, like a robot, without any feelings. I know her well.
"I know what you will chose, Abida", she says. "Your love is too strong. You will go to him and accommodate to the situation".
"I will do a fuck!" I say, leaving the room. "I will kill him for not respecting the unwritten law!"
I leave the room very angry, almost smashing the door. But she is right. My love is more powerful then my disgrace. I will return home at sunset and talk with Aslan. Who knows.
If there is any god listening to me, help me! I need all help tonight.
TO BE CONTINUED
After a perfect marriage and having the husband she dreamed, the wife finds out that her husband is a hidden cross-dresser. What would she do? Will she divorce? Or is love strong enough to stop her?
I've seen Aslan, my husband, dressed with my clothes and wearing my make-up. I could not watch this and ran away. It is now late. I should return home. I wander what explanations will he have. But still, I am thinking about what my close friend, Astana, told me. He must be doing this for long, maybe from childhood. Who knows. Maybe he first worn his mother's clothes or his sister's and got addicted to this... at least this is the official explanation.
Can I cure him? Can I send him back to the mainstream population? Astana did not say a word about curing a sissy: Sometimes a partner finds it out and this can end two ways: a divorce or an acceptance. There is no alternative that will last for long. If I try to force him back, what will then happen? He will suffer. Astana showed me the answer of what will happen: But many wives or girlfriends can't accept what their partner does and feel strange that their husband or boyfriend have these needs. They live like strangers under the same roof only sharing a house. Or, again, it will end up in a divorce because there is a loss of trust and love. So, I clearly see what are the options. I have to accept or divorce.
But how can I accept this?
Only 200 m to the house. But, I don't get in. Instead, I go right, on a street that leads to a former classmate from high school. She is nicknamed Adria. We were best friends in high school. And we had a lot of fun together. Now, she no longer is the girl she was. She married a rich state employee and started to feed on his money, like a leech. It was the time before hyperinflation, when state employees had all the power and destroyed the economy with their bribes and ever increasing taxes. In the end, the fragile economy collapsed and hyperinflation destroyed everything, leading to famine. Now, they have far less power, as mafia factions rose from the ash. Still, her husband is a rich man... and she forces him to work harder ever, draining all money she can get.
I reach to their home, a luxurious building. I ring at the door and Adria comes.
"Abida, welcome!" she says. "What brings you here?"
"Adria, I need your help", I say. "I need to talk with you, but you promise to keep this a secret".
"Ok. Just come in".
I take my sandals off, as it is polite to do so at the entrance. She wears make-up even in the house, with a sensual short dress. Her feet are not covered by pantyhose, exposing big, painted toenails and a gold chain around her ankle. She has large gold earrings and a big gold necklace, a symbol of richness.
"Are you alone?" I ask.
"Yes, Abdullah is working late", she answers. "I forced him to work late at night".
We go to the kitchen, where usually people come when they talk. Adria prepares for herself coffee and for me green tea. We both light a cigarette. After all, I learned her how to smoke, in high school.
"What is the problem, Abida?" she asks, blowing smoke through her small lips.
"You know my husband, Aslan?" I say.
"Yes. Nobody thought you will get married ever. Is there a problem with him?"
"Well, for long, I thought he is the perfect husband. We never had a fight, we never had any problems. He always was kind with me and made me a lot of surprises. But..."
I put the cigarette on the ashtray, looking up at the roof. Rooms are very high and all walls are decorated with paintings. So much luxury! I take the cigarette to my mouth, take a deep inhale, then let the smoke out and say it short:
"I found him wearing my clothes and my make-up".
"You what?" says Adria, not understanding.
"I've seen him in the house, in the bedroom. He had no idea that I was coming. He was wearing my black dress, with pantyhose and my sandals. And he had make-up on his face!"
Adria changes her face like she was chewing a lemon.
"For the holly name of Allah, what are you saying?" she says, with disgust in her words. "What a guilty and stinky animal! Abida, how did you find this idiot? I mean, this baboon?"
Her words make me feel shocked. So, this is the attitude I should have about this subject?
"Get rid of him, kiddo!" she says, crushing the cigarette with anger. "Get rid of him! There are men on all roads. I just don't understand why you still live with this baboon".
"I don't know", I say, with a sad voice. "I still love him".
"For the holly name of Allah, get rid of him. Come on, girl, what is wrong with you? Do you want to be killed on the street for hiding such an asshole? What the fuck is in your brain?"
"Should I..." but I don't have a chance to finish what I want to say.
"A man must be dominated through frustration. If your husband wants you to paint your hair blonde, paint it black. If your husband wants to have sex with you, tell him you don't feel well. If he wants cheese, bring him potatoes. Let him see you, but not touch you. That is the secret about men. Hurt him, not too hard because he will get away, but enough to frustrate him. You never listened to me. And by doing so, you force your man to work harder. Abdullah will never do what he did on his own. He would never work late at night, he would never had built this great house. Now, because you showed love to your husband, this is what you've got. Only bad things. He loves pantyhose, you told me once. If I were you, I would have never worn pantyhose again. But not you. You just did what is wrong with him. Come on, kiddo! It is time to change your attitude!"
For about ten minutes, Adria continues with her speech, just like this. I just watch her and smoke. Then, she lights a new cigarette, just as I finish mine.
"He has a feminine side", I say.
"On the fuck with his feminine side!" says Adria, almost screaming. "Men only exist to serve us, women!"
"Maybe there is an alternative way".
Adria looks puzzled at me, then says:
"Remember in school, how many times you said I wish I were a boy? Many people said that you are a man in a woman's body. Maybe he is a woman in a man's body too. If that is the case, on the fuck with you both".
I leave Adria's house. Well, I am not thinking about what she said, but about her poor husband. He took bribe after bribe, only to make her happy. He did everything for her wife, almost up to getting in jail. And when he was nearly imprisoned, Adria told him this: "If you have a problem with justice, then there is nothing more between us". He loved her... and did everything to win the trial, using bribery to convince judges that he was not guilty. In his place, I would divorce at once.
It is starting to get late. But still, I don't want to get home yet. I sit on a bench on the street, thinking about all what happened. Am I a man inside a woman's body? The answer is yes. I start to think about my childhood. How many times I wished I were a boy?
Even now, I feel the need to take a piss. Men just get behind a building, zip their pants off and piss. For a woman, it is more complicated and cannot do this fast enough. Men have no idea how painful is for a woman the menstrual period. You're bleeding and suffering pain. They simply treat you like you are not suffering anything, because they never experienced this.
How easy is for a man to get an erection. It sometimes makes me laugh. For a woman, it's different. They often think that for a woman it's not big deal, the hole is there and nothing needs to be done. Well, they're wrong. The genitals of a woman are far more complicated. We catch infections that they never get. We, women, are far more sensible.
How many women had been raped in this town? How many times this happened? And how many men had been raped? Nearly no one. Many of us ended-up as sfenists or went insane after a sexual abuse. What do men understand from all this? Nothing. And how could they actually understand something?
Yes, many times I wished I were a man. Well, not completely. If it would be possible and mainly if society would accept this, I would like to transform myself into something between. I would like to have a woman body, but to have a penis. To be a shemale. That would be fine. I've seen shemales on a TV documentary. At that time, I was a child and I thought they were born this way. Later, I found out that a shemale usually gets born as a man, but transforms himself (or herself) into a woman, by using hormones and surgery.
When I was a teen, that was my fantasy. I dreamed about this. How would it be for guys, trying to seduce me and trying to fuck me... to find out that I have a penis and I want to fuck them instead? That should be a good punishment for all perverts in this town.
I cannot have children. So, wearing the woman genitals is useless for me, anyway. To be a shemale, would be just perfect.
I remember a scene from school. The toilette was not working. boys started to piss on a wall behind the school. We, girls, could just watch, we couldn't do this. For us, it was impossible. We had to wait and get home.
And here comes the hardest part of all. Being a woman and having the genitals of a woman, comes with great risks. I know two women who died from uterus cancer, but I know no guy who died from penis cancer. Yes, old men suffer from prostate diseases, but they are old, not teen, nor sexually active. They lived their lives.
After thinking about all this, I have the courage to move on, to go into the house and talk with Aslan. Maybe, it is not so hard as it seems. I always dreamed to be a boy... or at least a shemale. I have my masculine side. Why shouldn't also men have a feminine side?
**********
As I get closer to the house, I hear noise. Two drunk men are trying to make it home. Somewhere around, I hear screaming. Who knows, could be another fight. People get killed all the time in here. Unwritten laws govern this place. If you don't know them, you're dead in an instant. There is no police that will ever come to save you. If they will ever come, they do it for bribery and not to save you. Well, at least till now, I managed to survive.
I enter the house. immediately, I notice something. It smells good. Aslan cooked something for me. I see he washed the floor. Is he trying to be nice after all this? He made me tea and cookies. I can see all clothes are washed too and placed on a rope to dry. He is trying to offer me a present so that I will forget him.
Then, I see him. He is dressed like a man in all aspects. He comes to me and says:
"Where have you been? I am worried, it is late".
"Nowhere", I answer.
"I thought something bad happened to you".
He is worried about me. And he really is, not hiding this. I know him well. Is this the man I wanted to divorce? And what for? For wearing women clothes? Oh, that is disgusting anyway.
We go to the kitchen and eat in silence. We talk nothing. He is silent, feeling guilty for what he has done. Well, he is... from a point of view. We finish eating. Then, he offers me a cup of tea, like always. I offer him a cup of milk with honey, which helps him go to sleep. Then, I light a cigarette.
"Here, take one", I say. "I've seen you smoking".
"I don't actually smoke", he says.
"No need to hide from me, I insist", I answer.
He takes the cigarette and puffs.
"Not like this", I say. "You have to take it deep, inside your lungs, not in your mouth. Only then you will feel the pleasure of smoking like I do".
He listens to me and coughs.
"Try to inhale less smoke", I say. "It takes practice, but once you've got it, you will never stop".
He listens to me and does exactly what I am saying. I see on his face that he is scared, like a caught thief waiting in a trial court. He starts to feel dizzy and coughs again.
"So, for how long have you been cross-dressing?" I ask him short.
His face becomes red and his tongue locked. He wants to speak but is unable to find the proper words.
"Honestly"... he says.
"Tell me the truth", I continue. "Did you start by wearing your mother's clothes?"
"Well, I"...
"I guess the answer is yes", I say, short.
His face turns from red to pale white.
"Please don't lie to me", I say then.
"I will never ever do that again", he says.
"No, not like that", I say. "I am not asking you never to do that again. I am upset because you lied to me. You never told me about your secret side. It took me time to find out. Don't lie to me again. it is better to tell me the truth, since we are together for the rest of our lives".
"I decided to hide you this because I was sure you will reject me".
His answer is true. I would had rejected him if I knew about this. But I knew nothing until now.
"Everyone would reject me for this. I think I need a psychological treatment. I am just an asshole with a stupid addiction".
"Do you think you can handle yourself and never again wear women clothes?" I ask.
He says nothing for a while, then answers:
"I do".
I look deep inside his eyes. Something makes me think he will try, because he loves me. But, in the same time, I think about what Astana told me: They live like strangers under the same roof only sharing a house. Is this what I want? Is this what he wants? And without the fulfillment of love, what is the purpose of a marriage? None.
"I don't believe you", I say. "You did this before and you will do this in the future. Since we were together, you did this on some occasions".
"How do you know?" he asks me.
Well, I didn't know, just asked him, to convince myself that this is the truth.
"I just know", I say.
"And you still love me, after all this", he whispers.
I kiss him.
"How couldn't I love you, silly?"
"I am sorry", he says. "I am guilty for all this".
"I think it is time for us to have no more secrets", I say.
We go to bed. Just like always, he hugs me and we sleep together in this position. Yes, he loves me and I love him.
In the morning, I ask him to give me some money, without telling him anything. He gives me what I asked. Then, we eat breakfast, we smoke together and go to work. I give him a pack of cigarette for work. Well, it was a hard day. The good part is that our relationship did not meltdown. But still, seeing him dressed like a woman is something I find disgraceful. I don't think that I will ever cope with it.
TO BE CONTINUED
The wife found out that her husband has a hidden side as a sissy. What would she do?
Note from the author: Some people commented about the many smoking scenes described, while others commented about the fact that gay people are killed. For those, I give the answer. Unlike most stories in BCTS, which are located in the Civilized World (Western Europe and America), the story I write happens somewhere else. I decided to write this because nobody did. Even in secluded places like where I live, transgender people and sexual minorities exist (even if they are different from the Civilized World, for example we don't have many gay people, but we have lots of sfenists, like myself). These people have a harsh life, that nobody knows about. And despite risking their lives, most of them don't change into the mainstream population.
And about the excessive smoking that you will see, mostly in women, here is the answer. It is a sign of emancipation, of freedom. Women in Islam are discriminated. There are also other cultures that discriminate women. A woman that smokes symbolizes that she is independent, free to take her own decisions. It is like the Torches Of Freedom movement that occurred in America around the 60's and 70's. Some people say that we are 50 years behind the Civilized World. Well, smoking ban does not exist here and cigarettes, which are very cheap, reached even little children. I started smoking at the age of 6 and still I am perfectly healthy.
**********
Yesterday I found my husband, Aslan, wearing woman clothes, my clothes more exactly. I had a hard day. I cried, but finally I managed to recover. No matter how disgusting it might be, I love him and this love is stronger then anything.
In the morning, we go to work. I asked him to give me some money, which he gave me without question. At that moment, I had in mind to buy him some women clothes, so that he will no longer wear mine. I go through the bazaar, looking for clothes. But, something stops me. Why should I do that? Is it ok what I am doing?
Am I not ready to commit a big sin?
On the way, I think about what I know.
In Islam, a transgender person is named Mukhannathun. It looks like some of them were even servants of the Prophet. According to holy texts, they are accepted as long as they don't use their physical aspect for prostitution. Many Islam scholars ban gay people. Many consider that the correct punishment is death. But transgender people? This is another story, which varies on interpretation.
The Christian world is different and strongly divided. There are sects that go to the extreme. I have no idea what the Catholic Church says about LGBT people. The Orthodox Church strongly bans gay people, with a punishment of many years without religious services. Gay people are called children of Sodom. What is interesting, is that the Orthodox Church bans people who practice cross-dressing, while transgender people are even strongly discriminated, but by far not like gay people. They force sfenists to get married and have sexual relations.
The place where I live is ruled by some moral codes, which are transmitted from person to person, from generation to generation. People in the mountains name this Unwritten Law, while people in the plains name it Moral Law. These laws are strongly against gay people. The Unwritten Law says: If you find a man making love with another man, give him two options: run or die. For lesbians, things are different, because the first human built by the Altar was Actit, a god-woman which gave birth to Adam and Eve. So, killing a woman is considered a tremendous sin and is punished with humiliating death. The Moral Law is different. For gay people, it says like this: If a man makes love with another man, send them both out of your land. Anyone who hides them or touches them is impure and should be forced to live outside the village for 100 days. But, either laws don't say a thing about cross-dressing and transgender people.
There is also a 5th law, Communism, which many people respect, without knowing much about it. Some even worship Lenin as a god. In this law, all LGBT people are discriminated and forced into the mainstream population, like everyone who is not behaving or dressing decently.
But still, where in these laws is written anything against transgender people or at least against cross-dressers? In all four laws, the interpretation is that a man that dresses and behaves like a woman is associated with a gay person. It is not the same sin, but part of it.
"What a fuck have you entered into?" I whisper to myself.
I leave the bazaar without buying anything. As I am getting close to work, I start to sing for myself: "When I came to Spain, I've seen myself a party. I told to myself, what a fuck! All day, all night. All day, all night..."
At work, I keep thinking. Am I doing a big sin? Will my flesh rot on the shores of hell for this? I sometimes go to the mosque, but also to the church and to the shrines. This is how I, like many people here, grew-up, in a religious freedom. There are also atheists here. Complete religious freedom. But, am I not just about to commit a huge sin, living with a man that crosses gender barriers?
Me? Certainly, it is a sin. But for Aslan, he might have no way to get out from hell, for what he has done, wearing women clothes.
But still... I love him and my love is too strong. It was Eve who gave Adam the apple... but now Adam gives Eve a more cursed and dangerous fruit.
All day at work, I keep on thinking about this. Should I or should I not? Would it be better for me to leave him or to accept him as he is? Would it be better for me to sacrifice my love for the gods? But, on the other hand, the gods gave me the perfect husband, the man of my dreams. It was Actit who gave me this marriage. Gods are superior beings, they don't fight one with each other, they don't have jealousy and understand our imperfections.
What should I do?
After finishing work, I leave to a different place. There is another cross-dresser in our town, but with a completely different story. Everyone knows him as a Muslim woman, Jasmine. But the truth is completely different. Jasmine is in fact a man, a former KGB agent which had to hide in here, to save his life. I am one of the only people who knows his previous life, because I helped him pass to our lands. Dmitry, as his real name is, had the mission to kill the children of a politician. He refused. The next day, as a punishment, his parents were found dead in their house. Dmitry managed to save his family, forcing them to runaway to a remote place. He saved them, but lost any contact with them. To save his life, he simulated his death in a suicide car accident.
Now Dmitry - Jasmine lives in our town. Everyone knows her as a widow Muslim woman, who does cleanup at the mill, living and sleeping there. She is a nobody for most people. Well, things are not quite like that. Jasmine still operates on her own and is a relay station. She buys and sells information.
I go to Jasmine, with a cup of coffee, some food and a pack of cigarettes. She is where she always is, working with a broom in the mill.
"Jasmine, I brought you something", I say. "A sandwich for you and one for me" (this means, come to your house, we have something to talk).
"Was it expensive?" she asks (meaning, what is this about?)
"Paprika flavor", I answer (smells danger).
She does not like to go downtown, to be seen by many people. So, she is happy when someone brings food and other commodities. We go to her house, which looks very bad on the outside, but on the inside hosts a plasma TV, a fridge and many luxuries that many people cannot afford here. She locks the door, takes off her hijab and her robe. Now, I can see the face of a 50 years old man, with long hair and women clothes. I've seen Jasmine becoming Dmitry many times, but I never felt any form of disgrace for this. Why do I feel about Aslan?
"What is it, kiddo?" asks Dmitry, with a more man-like voice.
He still calls me kiddo, because I was a teen when I helped him get here.
"Well", I say, "it is not something for business. It is something personal. I want an advice".
"What for?"
I describe him all the story, how I found Aslan wearing women clothes and how I roamed a whole day not knowing what to do. I tell him what is in my mind, how much I love him and how much a part of me is against this.
"So, you want my advice", he says, finishing smoking a cigarette and drinking coffee.
"Yes. How much?" I ask, knowing that everything is for money.
"For free", he says. "Do you think that killing someone is a greater or smaller sin then being gay?"
This question lets me puzzled.
"Far greater", he says. "And I killed, you know well. So, I am a far greater sinner then you or Aslan. Do you want a second advice? I give you also for free. Family is above everything. Have you any idea how much I suffer in every night, thinking about my wife and children? Where are they now? I cannot send them anything. I just wanted not to see their airplane ticket, so I will not know where they're heading, if someone will find and torture me. These are the important things, that we live for. If you really love Aslan, you must be ready to go through the knees of hell for him. Do you think my wife would not have done the same if she were me? Be sure she would. This is why I simulated a suicide, to make sure she will not return".
His words leave me shocked, immobile like a stone.
Dmitry becomes Jasmine, putting her hijab and returning to her broom. I also leave the mill.
This time, I go straight to the bazaar. May it be a sin, I don't care. My decision is made. Even if we will rot in hell for this, we will be together. There still is a large part of me, screaming in my head, that I am committing a big sin and I should stop, but I try with all my resources to not listen to it.
In the bazaar, I buy a red dress that should fit him, a bra, women pants, pantyhose, a make-up kit, a lipstick and plastic sandals. I just hope they are the correct size. It will be disgusting for me to see him dressed like this, but maybe, in time, I will get used. I just hope so.
From there, I hurry home, to get before him. But then, I have to return, to buy something to eat and two packs of cigarettes. I arrive before him, just in time for a big surprise. The new clothes are on the bed, waiting him, while food is ready in the kitchen.
**********
When he comes, I say:
"Food is ready, let's eat together".
"Wait me to change clothes", he answers.
"No, please, let's eat now, I just finished cooking".
"Ok, then", he answers, sitting near me.
We eat, then we smoke a cigarette together. I feel a lot of tension. My blood is boiling.
"Is anything wrong with you?" he asks.
"I don't feel ok", I answer. "It might be because it was very hot at the office".
"Ah, poor you, I'll give you a glass of water with ice".
"No, thanks. I just want to rest a bit. Go upstairs and change. Your clothes are on the bed, then come back here".
As he goes to the bedroom, I feel huge tension inside me. I am like a volcano ready to erupt, like a star ready to go supernova. If he will refuse, after all this, I'll kill him. It is already too much for me what is happening. But if he accepts? To see him like a woman... I am already dead. I suck a cigarette like crazy, trying to calm myself, but it is no use. Then, I finish it and drop the filter in the ashtray. I don't know why, my anger vanishes and I feel no longer stressed. I even start to sing:
"When I came to Spain, I found myself a party.
I told to myself: what a fuck?
All day, all night.
All day, all night..."
When I came to Spain... I sing this, looking on the window. In the middle of our town, there is a manmade hill, that was once the tomb of an ancient king. On top of that hill lies the statue of Lenin, remembering people of an era that is long gone. The statue is visible from my window. It is a huge one, made of concrete, but slowly ruining.
"What does Lenin has to do with Spain?" I whisper, laughing.
I laugh, thinking about Aslan, with the new clothes, hanging on top of the statue... in Spain.
"All day, all night..."
Am I getting crazy?
Aslan is not coming from bedroom. In this crazy mood, I decide to go to him, laughing and whispering for myself:
"What a fuck!"
I open the door.
TO BE CONTINUED
The wife found out that her husband has a feminine side as a sissy. She decides to accept him as he is... but will she?
I had a perfect marriage and a perfect relationship, but two days ago I found my husband, Aslan, dressed in my clothes. I had a terrible fight with myself. I stressed my nerves to maximum and almost agreed to divorce. But, in the end, I accepted things as they are. A few minutes ago, I was under such tension, like a star waiting to go supernova. I almost exploded. Then, suddenly, I started to laugh and say ramble words. It is like my brain just gave-up. Or am I going mad?
I waited for Aslan to come from bedroom with the new clothes, but he didn't come.
"What a fuck" I sing for myself.
I go to open the door. If he refuses, I feel like I need to kill him. If he accepts and is dressed as a woman, I think I will kill him either. But, either way, I am singing and I feel happy. My brain did not explode, it made a short-circuit. My fuses are out.
I open the door.
"What a fuck" I say, with loud voice.
Aslan is here, dressed in his normal home clothes, not wearing what I brought. He just left them on the bed, where I placed them. I think I am getting angry.
"Now, listen, infidel", I say, almost shouting. "After all what you did, now what is in your mind? I order you to get dressed with these!"
He looks at me, puzzled and refusing what I want.
"My love, what and why?" he says.
I can see a guilty look in his eyes. Yes, a sense of guilty.
"After all this? You caused me two days of extreme stress", I say, with anger. "Now, get dressed with what I both you, at once!"
"No", he says, with a firm voice. "I am a man and I will get dressed as a man. What happened was an accident and it will never repeat".
"What happened is your secret feminine side. It happened before and it will certainly repeat when I will be missing from home", I say, with anger in my voice.
"Please forgive me", he says.
He is like a thief, begging for mercy, saying "I will never do this again, I swear". But I know well the look of a thief, that will go again for a robbery once you let him go.
"No, I don't forgive you", I say with a harsh voice. "Only the priest forgives under his dress, I don't".
"I am sorry and I regret all what I've done", he tries to defend himself.
"What do you think you did wrong"? I ask. "Wearing my clothes or the fact that you lied to me"?
"Both", he answers. "And I promise none will ever happen again".
At that moment, I feel like going to explode. After all I've been through, after all the fight in my brain, now he refuses to wear these clothes.
"On the fuck with you!" I scream.
Suddenly, he accepts. He starts to take off his male clothes, down to the point where he is naked. Then, he starts to put on the clothes I both. First the underpants, then the pantyhose. Oh mine, what a mess! His feet are hairy! They look horrible under the hose layer! He needs to be epilated. Then, he takes on the bra and the dress. And finally, he takes the sandals.
"Stand up", I order.
He listens to me instantly. I examine him. A man in woman clothes! It doesn't fit well. Something is wrong. First, his feet, with all that hair on them, don't look girly at all. Second, he is a bit too fat for a woman. Women look different at their crotch then men and have a different type of waist. Third, as I look up, I notice that the bra does not fit him well. For a woman, the breasts form a bit upper and are visible above the bra. For a man, with no real breasts, holes form where breasts should be.
Even more, his arms are more hairy then mine.
But the main difference comes when I look at his face. He has the face of a man. He is shaved, but still, even if perfectly shaved, women don't have their face completely uncovered of hair. If you look very close, there is some hair on a woman's face, where a man would have mustache or beard.
Instead of making me throw-up, I start to arrange his clothes. I take make-up and start to work with his face. How to make him more feminine? Let's take care of the lashes first, then add some color around his eyes. Not much, but there must be a bit. I add some pink powder on his chicks and his beard, to look more girlish. then, let's add some lipstick!
All this time, his face looks like a caught thief waiting to enter prison. It looks like I am enjoying this more then he is.
The next thing, I want to paint his fingernails, but I realize that tomorrow people will laugh at him at work. So, I just glue him some fake nails.
"Take a look at yourself in the mirror", I say.
He does exactly that.
"How do you look?" I ask.
"A lot better then when I did this by myself", he answers.
"But still, it is not good", I say. "You still look somehow like a man".
It is somehow true. He should need facial surgery and breast implants to look like a woman. But still, he doesn't look like those gay guys, dressed in women clothes, that I've seen on TV. No, he looks much better.
"Thank you", he says. "This is a well guarded secret that not even my parents knew."
"Don't worry, you are not the only one", I say.
"Really?" he asks surprised, with big eyes.
"Really", I say, with a small smile. "What you are is called a sissy".
I tell him the term in English, in my native language it doesn't exist.
"I never heard about", he answers.
"At work, I made a research on my own", I say. "I found hundreds of men like you, with the same addiction. You are not the only one".
In fact, I lie. The only thing I did read is the article showed to me by my friend Astana. Well, I take a cigarette for me and one for him. I sit on the bed and invite him to sit too.
"Take one smoke", I say. "This will relax you".
As I sit near him, I examine his body. His now pantyhosed feet are visible as the dress ends at his knees. They are lighter then mine. His body, now hidden behind the red dress, is that of a man, but it looks like that of a fat woman. But it is the face that doesn't fit well. What should I do about that? Is it possible to do something?
He sits near me and smokes. He hardly inhales anything, while I take the smoke deep inside my lungs. I see in his eyes submission and fulfillment. He is happy. As for me, I am surprised that I don't feel the rejection I expected to feel. Well, it is not something I like. Still, I am happy that I managed to make him happy.
Since I was a child, the man I dreamed was one full of muscles. I liked to watch movies with Schwarzenegger. The Terminator series or The Running Man, for example. I dreamed how good would feel to rest my head on his arm, on his powerful biceps, to feel the muscles inside. This is what made me horny when I was a teen, this was the perfect model for a man: full with muscles, with power. I also liked to see hair on a man's abdomen. Another thing that I enjoyed was to see men smoking cigars. For a woman, smoking cigarettes is a sign of independence, especially in a society with Islam influences, like this town. For a man, smoking cigars is associated with the rude and tough guy, ready to fight with everyone.
Well, Aslan is not a man full of muscles and until recently he was not even a smoker. But still, he showed his love to me on so many occasions, that he won my heart quickly.
I examine his body and caress him, with these new clothes. In the same time, he starts to touch me, to massage my feet with his hands. He loves to do this, I know it very well. His feet don't feel like mine. With all the hair on them, they feel somehow different.
Then I notice he tries to move his feet, his thighs more exactly. I know it, don't need to explain me. His penis got hard. Touching my feet has this effect. But now, with his girly clothes, something different happened. He was turned on much faster and more powerful then before. It might be an aphrodisiac for him, but not for me. How on Earth can I make love with a man dressed as a woman? Knowing that he will try to seduce me and we will go to bed, I stand-up and say it shortly:
"I think this is enough for today! It is time to take off your cloths and get dressed for bed. Go and wash yourself, tomorrow we go to work"!
He listens to what I say, without a comment. His face shows submission and fulfillment. But what surprises me is the huge sexual impact this kind of clothing had on him. This might work for him, but for me, I need him as a man and not as a woman. Who knows, maybe we will get to a formula somehow and after a while.
As he gets to bed, he tries to seduce me, to kiss and to hug me. He is really turned on, while I am exhausted by all the stress of the day. Even if I have no power left in my body, I accept to make love with him, but it is he who enjoys all this up to the sky.
**********
The next day, he wakes-up before me, while I hardly get out of bed in time to reach work. I feel like all was a dream. I am so confused, that I need to look at the female clothes I just both for him. No, it was not a dream, only that my brain ceased to operate when a fuse went off somewhere inside my head. I feel shocked of how could I sit near a man dressed like a woman. But still, I know this will happen again and again and again.
TO BE CONTINUED
The wife found out that her husband is a hidden cross-dresser. Very hard for her, she accepts this. Will she adapt to the situation?
Five days had passed since I found my husband, Aslan, wearing my clothes. After a hard fight with myself, I accepted the impossible. I both him some woman clothes and forced him to cross-dress. Then, two days passed without any incident. He remained a man in all aspects. We never talked about this. I am starting to accept things as they are. After all, I just don't know other woman in this town to be as happy as I am. Just think that he never shouted at me and never came home drunk. If cross-dressing is his only problem, then I think I can live with this.
He brought me flowers and a new pair of plastic sandals. How many times he made me such pleasant surprises? This happens almost every week. A week ago, he brought me a wooden bracelet and two packs of cigarettes. Tomorrow we have our free day. After five days of work, we have a free day. Usually, when this happens, we go to the forest and relax, enjoying the beauty of nature.
As I return from work, I see something that is really horrible for most wives. Junit, a former classmate, is trying to make her husband, Amsid, to go home. Amsid is drunk on the street, full with mud. Certainly he felt into the many holes that are along the roads. Poor Junit! I know her very well. She comes from a poor family, with an alcoholic father and a depraved mother. Her only chance to get out of that family was to get married. She felt from purgatory to hell. Amsid beats her. He drinks all the money in the house. She has no home, no other place to go. Her life is tighten to this infidel.
"Junit, what the fuck"? I say. "Drunk again"?
"Abida", she says, "he did not come home last night. I found him in a pit".
"Ok", I say. "Let's get this infidel out of here!"
We both fight to push or carry Amsid home. No way, he refuses. Luckily, we are close to the bazaar. I go there and ask Ahmed, a close friend, to borrow me a wheelbarrow. With the help of a man passing by, we put Amsid in and start pulling him all the way home.
"You, bitch!" he shouts to Junit. "I will drink your blood and piss on your liver!"
"Just shut up, infidel!" I say, not interested.
I give Junit a cigarette, as I light one for me.
"He doesn't let me smoke", she whispers.
"Then, I insist", I say, forcing her.
"Give me a cigarette!" mumbles Amsid from the wheelbarrow. "I'll put the dogs on you! Help! Help! Call the militia! They're taking me to the slaughter house!"
I just ignore this rotten piece of meat that dares to be called a husband. I just look at Junit. She is still gorgeous, even if she is heading to 40 years old. Her body is nearly perfect. She does not deserve such an idiot. I look at her feet, her toenails are not painted, her sandals are old and repaired with wires. Her hands host no bracelets. Aslan is such a lovely man compared to this... garbage that we carry. I just look at my pantyhosed toes encased in new sandals and at my bracelets.
We reach the destination and drop Amsid in the house, just behind the door. He mumbles:
"I'll kill you! I'll kill you all!"
"Drop dead, asshole!" I answer, putting my sandal on his stomach.
"Abida, no!" says Junit.
This is why many women remain with such animals that dare to call themselves husbands. Because of love. This remembers me of how lucky I am. Well, we leave him near the door. We take off our sandals. Junit washes her feet with water from a bucket, taking off the mud from the road. I cannot do this with pantyhose on. We go to the kitchen and light another cigarette. She serves me with milk and cookies and we talk. Then, at a moment, I decide to tell her about Aslan. First, I ask her to keep this a secret, then I tell her that I found him wearing my clothes.
"What?" she says, with her eyes wide opened.
"I don't know, he has a strange addiction", I say.
"Abida, what animal you've got as a husband? Oh mine! Is he gay? Get rid of him while you still can! People will kill you both when they find out".
"Junit, he is not gay at all. Do you think it is better to live with an alcoholic?" I ask, surprised of her words.
"Many people drink", she says, "but the life with an alcoholic is a nightmare. Perhaps you are right. But if anyone finds out about this, he will get killed".
After I stay a little more, I leave Junit. Amsid sleeps, drunk, at the door. As I leave them, I see someone I know. It is a woman, Aisha, with her little daughter, Cinderella. She lives alone. Cinderella is the result of a sexual abuse. Aisha was raped by Mupus, a guy who was crazy in love with her. Aisha never completely recovered completely. She ended-up as a sfenist. Her parents forced her to get married with Mupus. She refused and ran away in a mountain village. Later, Mupus raped another woman and was killed in revenge by her husband.
Why do women have to suffer like this?
I return to the bazaar, to buy some rice and potatoes. But, I see something. I see some ripped woman jeans, that would fit me perfectly. It would be nice to wear them. Aslan loves to pierce his fingers through the holes and touch my pantyhosed feet. Then, I see another pair, a bit larger, that would fit him perfectly. Still, something inside me tells me to stop, but I buy it. Why not? Is it better to have a violent alcoholic husband or one with a feminine side? I also buy two pairs of white, demi-opaque pantyhose. This should be a nice surprise for him tomorrow, when we go to the forest.
**********
The next day, after we have breakfast, we head for the woods. We have our special place, at a few km from town. It is the first place where we came, it is where we had our first kiss and we first talked continuously for an hour. It is a small concrete platform surrounded by dense vegetation. It was Aslan's secret place, where he used to go when he had problems. Now, it is ours. We take a blanket, a glass of water and some food.
"I have a small surprise for you", says Aslan, after we put the blanket down and we sit. "Close your eyes and wait".
I do as he says. When I open my eyes, I see ice cream. I kiss him, then I say:
"I also have surprise for you".
"Should I close my eyes?"
"No".
I unpack the jeans and the pantyhose I secretly brought here.
"Abida, oh no!" he says, half surprised and half scared to see this.
"Why did you do this?" he asks.
"I did it for you", I answer. "I thought you will like it".
"Yes, I do, but..."
"But what?"
"You spent money on them", he tries to find an excuse. "You shouldn't".
"And you spent money on ice cream too", I answer with a smile.
"Yes, but you shouldn't, Abida".
"You know, it is polite not to refuse and to take what someone gives to you".
"So, you want me to wear them?"
"Right now", I say.
By saying this, I start to undress, then to change to these new clothes. He hesitates a little, then starts to do the same. In a few minutes, we are completely changed and we enjoy our ice creams.
Just as I expected, he starts to touch my feet, to put his fingers in the holes of my trousers, to feel the smooth pantyhose texture. In one large hole he can fit his entire hand. I like to be caressed like this. what is different, is that he does this with more passion then before.
I look at his body. Now, he clearly looks like a man, at least from belly to top. From belly to toes, he looks more like a woman. Through the gaps in his trousers, I see the smooth, white texture of pantyhose, but I also see hair on his feet. Next time, I have to do something about this. But still, because the feet are not completely exposed and these pantyhose are more opaque, the appearance is different. His feet sure look more girly.
"Aslan, please tell me, where do you got this strange addiction?" I say, looking deep into his eyes.
"I don't know if I can give you an exact answer".
"When did you first wear women clothes?"
He stops, thinking, while I light a cigarette, placing my head on his shoulder.
"I think I was 15 or something like that. No, I was 17 or 18. I am not sure. But long before that, I loved to see women clothes, to watch women. I was not attracted by them, nor I tried to seduce a girl. I was just watching their clothes. Well, it all started much earlier. I was much younger, in the 5th class I think or a bit younger. That was the first time I had a sexual desire, even if I could not understand at that age what happened. There was a girl in school, chewing gum and blowing bubbles. I think it was the first time I was in love, only that I did not know what love is. She used to blow bubbles and I watched amazed her".
"Bubbles?" I ask, not understanding what is the connection.
"Instead, I considered that I wanted chewing gum. So, the next day I both chewing gum for myself. It gave me a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment. At least that is what I considered at that time. Then, I don't know exactly. I think I was in the 7th grade, so probably 15 years old. I've seen in the bazaar a woman that had too much lipstick on her lips, chewing gum. I also considered that I wanted a lipstick, just as previously I considered I wanted chewing gum. So, this is what happened. I stolen my mother's lipstick and behind close doors I colored my lips. This deviation started when I was a teen, because in school I was a book grinder and no girl was attracted to me".
"I know, you told me once you had almost no girls in your life".
"As you had almost no guys in yours", he says.
"True", I add. "But, when did you wear women clothes for the first time? And what motivated you to do such a thing?"
It was in high school, the first year", says Aslan. "Well, boys liked to watch girls. One day, I was with two guys, watching lovers in secret, how they kiss. They were much older then us. We knew that they will sit on a bench, so, one of us tried to make them an unpleasant surprise and dropped some glue on the bench. The woman was unlucky to sit on the glue. I remember, she had short blue dress and skin-colored pantyhose. She ripped her pantyhose there. I don't know why, but when I seen her pantyhose remaining glued to the bench, just like bubblegum remains on your face, it turned me on like never did before. She was probably angry, but all I remember is her ripped pantyhose, with a big hole on her thigh and a series of run-offs that were making their way down to her ankle. Guys were hardly hiding their laugh, but I was watching amazed".
"And from this, what happened?" I ask, listening carefully and trying to understand how things work in his mind.
"Not immediately", he continues, because there was no way I could do that. First, as high school began, I had an attraction to chewing gum. I remember that a girl left her chewing gum under her desk. After classes, when nobody was in the class, I took it and chewed it. I was also fascinated by women lingerie, but I always thought this is too much and I should avoid thinking about it. bubblegum was innocent. And then, something happened".
"What?" I ask, lighting another cigarette.
"I found a pair of pantyhose in the forest", he says. "If it were underpants or a bra, I would not touch them, as I thought it was too much. But pantyhose, this is not something so intimate. So, I took them to study. I was amazed how they fit into a small box, then cover the feet completely. Just like a bubble of gum, they are elastic. I remember up to this day, they were ripped and dirty. Guess I was in the first class at high school. At that time, I was not so excited to wear them, because they were dirty".
"So, that's when it started", I say as a conclusion.
"I worn them for a while, secretly, while sleeping. I tried to wear my mother's twice, but no longer. The second time I did, she did not find hers and started to search the whole house. Finally, I placed them in the basket with dirty clothes, hoping that she will have no idea I took them".
"Only pantyhose or was it something else?"
"Yes, a blouse, an elastic blouse that belongs to my mother. I worn it for a night".
"I see".
"Then I found again pantyhose in a ditch and I worn those for a while. Then, I found another pair, but it was too ripped. Finally, I found leggings and I think my mother found them, because I never found them again and that day she was angry. But, she never said a word about. Most often, I used make-up when my parents were not home for a long period of time. It took me a lot of time and courage to go and buy myself for the first time a pair of pantyhose. That happened after I found women sandals in a pile of garbage. It took me a week to have the courage to enter a shop... and I got some very tight, squeezing tight".
"Wrong number", I say.
"Yes".
I look at his feet, thinking about. What is so strange about him? Is it something that wrong to justify a divorce? By far, no. I remember from my childhood and from when I was a teen. Once, I both men socks from the bazaar. When I realized what they are, I felt so excited, it is like I became more masculine only by wearing those.
Another time, I made a bet with a boy at school. He was playing football. I said: "I can play better then you". He answered: "I bet everyone will laugh at you if you play". My answer was "Really?" He answered: "If you win, I take my shoes off". And we changed places. He watched and I played with other guys. "Your shoes or my shoes", I said. Well, everyone agreed that I played better then he did. So, I won. I took his shoes and he left with bare feet. I felt myself proud only to wear men shoes... I was a man.
So, again, is there any difference? Only that Aslan got too far and now there is no way back for him. For me, things ended in a bad way. When my parents found out, they beaten me and forced me to bring the shoes back.
And about his addiction with my feet, I think it is only an exaggeration, not a disease. The thing I did not know, is that men have such fetishes. When I was a teen, I was fascinated about men with muscles and of men smoking cigars. At that time, there was still a functional cinema in town. I remember when they placed posters about an action movie, with main character a soldier. He was so powerful and smoking a cigar... I stolen a poster and kept it hidden for weeks. Later, I placed in my room. I must confess that I even masturbated thinking about that soldier. I was in love with him.
Well, what is so different in his story then in my story? I also had almost nobody in my life until late, until I found him. All guys were only looking for sex and... my body is not for sale.
We stay in the wild for a few hours, endless talking. Then, we start kissing. Oh mine! It might be a shame to say, but when we decided to be together, we both did not know exactly how to kiss. We continue to kiss and hug each other. With his face covered with make-up, I felt repulsion against him. But now, only with his feet transformed and his head resembling a man, I don't feel anything to stop me. So, we can make love without a problem.
**********
Later, we return from the forest, after he changes back to his normal clothes. As we return to the town, a woman that is looking for dried branches on the ground, says to us:
"Two pigeons return, beak in beak. May love make you both happy!"
We walk our way back home. People follow their everyday lives. Many people walk, others ride bikes, horse carriages and wrecked cars. The statue of Lenin is still there, above that ancient king's tomb. Two men scream one at each other: "I'll kill you!" Children play on the street, farmers carry their goods.
This is the town at the End Of The World. A place many would consider chaos, but we consider home. It is a place where so different people live together. Everyone is very friendly here... but in the same time, everyone can kill you.
TO BE CONTINUED
The wife found out her husband is a hidden cross-dresser. How far is she going to accept this?
About two weeks passed since I found my husband, Aslan, wearing my clothes and my make-up. At first, I was upset to see this. But then, I decided to accept things as they are. Since then, I also looked on the internet, to learn more about this subject. I found other women who abandoned their husbands or boyfriends for this. But I also found many who accepted and transformed this into a great romance. So, I decided to study this subject.
such a man is often called a sissy. Until recently, I had no idea that this term exist. It certainly does not exist in my language. I found out that in many cases a sissy can become gay or even something more incredible... can become a transgender person. In that case, things can go to the extreme, up to gender surgery. In that case, he will no longer be a he but a she. Either way, our relationship will go to a halt, to a wall that I cannot pass. It will all end. Well, gender surgery is impossible in our town and by far we don't have money to afford something like that anywhere.
I have to do something. I have to find out if things are really going to go that far and if so, I have to draw a limit.
And also, if anyone outside this door finds out, nobody knows what is going to happen. Gay people are killed in this part of the world. If anyone considers him or me to be gay/lesbian, we are doomed. The problem is that I told a few people about his cross-dressing. Just hope they will keep their mouths shut.
**********
Today, I arrived home from work before him. I sit at our computer, reading about these subjects: sissy, transgender and gay. I am so concentrated, that I smoke four cigarettes in a row, without even noticing it. I am thinking what to do. He needs a lesson, to see how painful it is to be a woman.
Aslan is coming home. I hear the door opening. I have a good plan to see how far is he willing to go. Poor him, he has no idea what is to come!
"Hi, Abida, I am home. I brought you something!"
"Strawberries?" I say, looking at a small bag he is carrying.
"Yes, my love! They're for you!"
We sit at the table in the kitchen and eat them. He notices very soon that I don't have pantyhose on. Not willing to tell me, he stops looking at my feet and avoids to touch them, as he usually does. After we finish eating, I invite him in the bedroom.
"I also have a surprise for you", I say, with a big smile.
"What is it?" he asks.
"Aslan, I want you to be as woman tonight as you can".
His face becomes a bit red, his eyes move fast, then a twitching smile comes on his face.
"I want you to take a look at this. You noticed I have no pantyhose? This is because women have to do something from time to time".
"And what is that?" he asks.
I take my epilator and show him. I turn it on and start moving it on my feet.
"I want you to take off all your clothes and lie on the bed".
He executes it without question. I wonder if he has any idea how painful this is going to be. I start this with one foot. He instantly moves away.
"Come on", I say, "I did this on all my body, alone, every two weeks. How that you are afraid of only this?"
"Sorry, I had no idea how painful this is", he says.
"It is painful to be a woman", I say, with a big smile.
Without asking him anything, I continue with his left foot. Is it painful? I don't care. If he wants to become a woman, he must get used to it. He tries the best not to move and not to scream, but I feel him. I know him very well. I go from ankle up to the knee, then up to the crotch. Then, I turn on the right foot. I pass the knee...
"Please, have mercy", he says, "let me a minute. I cannot take it any longer".
"Yes you can", I say. "You will wait until I reach your butt, then you have a cigarette break".
I insist. I know well that while dealing with a sissy I have to be bossy. It is not my type, but I have to. And after all, what a fuck? He wants to be a woman, he has to know how it feels to be one. Well, when I finish the back of his legs, I stop and we both smoke a cigarette.
"Now you know how it feels to be a woman?" I ask.
"I had no idea it is so painful", he answers.
"Oh, this is nothing", I say. "You have no idea how painful is to have a menstrual bleeding. When this happens, it hurts so much that I cannot see my way. I step in all ponds on the way to work".
He answers nothing. Is he thinking what to do? I don't know. I think he never knew how painful is to be a woman. He only knew his sexual dreams and that's all. Well, after we finish smoking, I ask him to lie back on the bed. I continue to epilate his back and then his arms. I must confess that I feel angry. I don't want to lose him. I don't want to see him becoming a gay or a woman. I love him too much. A tear falls from my eyes, but I manage to hide it.
"Roll over", I say. "Time to make the other half of your body!"
He obeys and I start to epilate the other half of his legs. I do this faster, but then I have to slow down, not to destroy the machine. I avoid the genitals. Even I cannot support the pain of epilating there. then, I turn my attention to his belly, to all the hair that lies there. I continue with the chest and the arms. It takes me some time, but at some point, all is done.
When I look at him, I see tears in his eyes. Wow! I feel pity for this. I wanted to be painful, but never imagined how much will it be for a hairy man to be epilated. I kiss him on his lips, saying:
"Sorry it hurt that much, but there is no other way. This is what I have to go through from time to time".
"I know", he says, "but I never knew it is so painful".
"But we are not over yet", I continue. "There is something you will need to go through if you want to be a woman".
"What is that? Does it hurt the same?" he asks, with a scared voice.
"No", I say, kissing him again. "It is painful, but by far not that. I have to give you earrings".
He looks scared at me, but doesn't seem to stop me. I did this before. I helped friends to pierce a new hole in their ears. Once, I did it with my ears, alone. And also, I have a ring in my belly. I like it. So, why shouldn't I do this with him too?
I take a needle and pierce one ring carefully. He feels the pain and twitches.
"I thought it is more painful", he says.
"No, just like that", I say.
Then, I add the earring, while slowly taking the needle out. I do this again with his other ear, but a bit faster. And finally, I take the needle and pierce a third earring in his belly. This time, he looks scared at me and moans a bit as I do my job.
"Oh mine!" he says. I never knew this is so painful".
"Well", I say, "I have two earrings in each ear. Twice the pain! And this is not all. Many earrings have painful sharp edges. If someone hits your ear, it will hurt you like never before. If you try to lie on bed with them on, on one side, it will also hurt you and make you wake-up".
"It hurts already", he says.
I laugh, lighting a cigarette.
"Now, it is time for a beauty session. You have to wash yourself, so that your skin will be mild and soft. Then, I will teach you how to apply a mask on. You have to stay for 30 minutes like that, then you can wash again and put on make-up. But I want you to put make-up like a woman and not like a man".
He listens to me and does all I say. He seems confused when I show him the white, slimy liquid. He does not hesitate.
Well, when it comes to make-up, things are different. First, I ask him to shave. A woman has no beard or mustache. Then, I learn him to gently apply small amounts of make-up and lipstick, not like most sissies do. He now looks more pretty.
Then, I put him to cut his toenails carefully, not to harm the pantyhose he will wear. He applies nail polish to his toenails and glues fake nails to his fingernails. Well, he looks more girly, but not quite as a girl. Time to add clothes.
I give him the white pantyhose and the large black knee-long skirt, with plastic sandals. Then, he takes-on a bra and a black blouse. The bra creates an illusion of female breasts. I need to work on this, but yet I don't know how.
"Still something is missing", I say. "Your hair is that of a man. We need to do something about this. I think I know exactly what".
I give him a white hijab. He takes it and puts it on. Some part of me says: "Stop! This is a blasphemy in Islam, to put a hijab on a man!" But, so be it. I already gone too far. Now, I look at him. He looks more girly, but at a close look, still there is something that comes to the appearance of a man. What should that be? I don't know yet. I go and take bracelets and add them on his arms. Better, but still not complete. I take the last items I have available: a necklace and sunglasses.
I think about Dmitry, the former spy that hides as Jasmine, a Muslim widow. What is the difference? Why nobody found out that Jasmine is actually a man? Then, I realize what is it. Smoking. In this part of the world, girls and women smoke as a sign of their independence. It is some sort of women emancipation movement. But women smoke in another way then men do. All I need is to look at how someone smokes, to be sure that person is a man or a woman. So, I give him a cigarette and I light one too.
"You have to learn this", I say. "If you want to be a woman, you have to smoke like a woman. You still smoke like a man. Try to do this in a more seductive way. Take the cigarette slowly to your mouth. Put it between your lips, wait half a second, then inhale. Before taking the cigarette away from your mouth, let a small cloud of smoke get out of your mouth, then open your mouth for a second and close it. Take a deep breath in by nose. Then, exhale. This is how a woman does it, how I do. Men take the cigarette fast to their mouth, inhale fast and keep the smoke in, to exhale also fast".
He tries to do as I said and manages to get it almost right, after some tries.
"One more thing", I say. "The way you keep your cigarette between your fingers must be improved. You are not doing it right. Try to do it like me".
He listens me and does all this. We smoke and he tries the best to copy me.
But, it is getting late. Tomorrow, we will both get to work. So, we go to sleep. Before that, I ask him wash and take off all his make-up.
**********
In the morning, he goes to work, but with his toenails painted. To remove the nail polish will take too much time. I am sure nobody will notice this anyway, because he has shoes and socks.
As I go to work, I light a cigarette and think about all this. Why are people so angry about gay and transgender people? Why are they rejected all over the world and most often in this area?
People here have a strong rejection against gay people. I can say they have against all sexual minorities and also against transgender and cross-dressing people. But why? If we take off from the equation the religious part of the problem, what do we have? What motivates people to behave like this?
I keep puffing my cigarette. The smoke enters my body and then forms a diffuse cloud in the air, forming some sort of haze around me. Where I live, 90% of the population smokes. However, in the Civilized World, many people are against smoking. But why? They say smoking causes many diseases. Well, so be it! If I will ever get sick from smoking, it is my problem, not their. Also, I think they are against smoking because this will convince their children to start to smoke too.
Well, isn't it the same with sexual minorities? I ask myself, taking another deep inhale, keeping the smoke inside me and then blowing it straight forward. Why do people here hate sexual minorities? Because they consider, in all religions, this to be a great sin. Well, it is their problem. If a gay person wants to have sex with another gay person, it is their problem, not mine.
Before Aslan started smoking, my smoke was something he did not like. He used to open the windows and to clean the ashtrays. However, his love was too strong and he never told me... but I could see in his eyes that he hated this. Now, he smokes too and he starts to like it.
Isn't it the same? A non-smoker does not like the smell of a smoker. In the same way, a person from the mainstream population will reject one from a sexual minority. But now, with all the experience of these two weeks, I say something different. I really have nothing against gay people or any other sexual minority. What I had, was because of the way I was grown. If I have something, is about obscene things. If I sit near a non-smoker, I open the window or I smoke outside, so I will not disturb that person. If two gay persons want to have sex behind close doors, I really have nothing against. But if they kiss in public, this is another problem. I never liked people kissing in public. It is a sign of disrespect to the others.
I think this is the problem. If they would accept to dress like everyone else and behave like everyone else on the street, nobody will bother them.
As I think about this, I continue to think about cross-dressing and transgender people. Why are people so upset against them? I am starting to realize that they are humans, like everyone else. And I realize that as long as they behave normal, nobody should be against them at all.
Thinking about this, I remember a site about cross-dressing people that I watched yesterday. What I noticed, is the lack of decency. They all use too much make-up and provocative clothes. What if those men would just wear clothes and make-up like any woman would do? I think this is the cause. If we take the erotic outfits out and replace them with what a girl would like to wear, then it all starts to settle down.
How about a man that is a perfect cross-dresser woman? And how about the opposite, a woman that is a perfect cross-dresser man? How will people react? What will they do? First of all, they will not realize the truth. I first think about myself. What if I perfectly become a man and Aslan perfectly becomes a woman? Even if someone will find out, as long as we keep decency, I think not much will happen. People will look surprised, but certainly will not kill us.
The wife found out her husband is a hidden cross-dresser. How far is she going to accept this and what conditions is she going to ask him?
Two weeks passed since I found my husband, Aslan, wearing my clothes and my make-up. For a while I was strongly repulsed of this, but slowly, I accepted. I want to draw a line in his life, how far should he go with this. The reason behind this is that in this part of the world gay people are killed. Cross-dressing might not end-up with death, but if it is associated with gay behavior... it could.
since then, I started to read about cross-dressing, about transgender people and sexual minorities. Two weeks ago, such subjects would be unacceptable for me. But now, I am really interested into such things. I start to understand such people.
Two friends helped me. One is Astana, the librarian, a woman that is a perfect asexual. The purpose of her life is to read and help others. She helped me, giving me links to articles that made me understand very much. The other one is Dmitry, a former KGB agent that hides in our town dressed as a widow Muslim woman. He convinced me that killing is a far greater sin then belonging to a sexual minority. Well, not long time ago I would never had accepted such thing. 12 years ago, a man, accused of being gay, was killed in this town. I accepted this and considered those who did it as servants of the gods. But now, it is like I am a different person.
**********
Today I return from work later then Aslan. Before going home, I stop in the bazaar and buy some items for cleaning the house. Also, I find a blouse that would fit me well and one for him. I will continue to support his cross-dressing, but on the other hand I want to make him feel how painful it is to be a woman. I hope this will limit his desire to a secure point. As I walk home, I continue making my plan. It should work. If it does, I will laugh today with tears.
I enter home. I hear the TV running. He is there, watching TV, dressed like a man and smoking a cigarette. He stands up, comes and hugs me.
"Welcome home, Abida", he says. "Hope you had a fine day at work".
"Yes, I did", I say. "But now, I am hungry".
"There still is enough food in the kitchen", he says.
I look at him, analyzing from hair to toes.
"Are you not dressed like a woman?" I ask.
"I would never dare to do that without your permission", he answers.
"Then", I say, with a big smile, "when you come home, first thing you dress as a woman. After that, you do anything else. Change, I will wait you in the kitchen".
I give him the new blouse and go to the kitchen, waiting. I might be hungry, but I don't eat. If he wants to be a woman, he has to learn what being a woman means. Instead of eating, I smoke a cigarette. Somehow, smoking kills the sensation of hunger, but it is only an illusion. Many teen girls do this to lose weight. As I am getting close to 40, for me, this is no longer important. Well, he comes right when I finish the cigarette.
He has his demi-opaque white pantyhose. Without hair, since I epilated him, his feet look like those of a woman. The painted toenails are hardly visible through the pantyhose texture. He wears plastic sandals. It is better to do so in the house, to avoid ripping them. He has a short white skirt and the white blouse I both him today. The blouse is short and exposes his belly, with the ring I pierced him yesterday. And with the help of a bra, he creates the illusion of small breasts. He applied some make-up and a lipstick on his face. This is the way a woman should do, little, not in excess. The earrings, the necklace, bracelets and sunglasses really give the image of a woman. He looks close to how a woman should look like. The only thing that needs to be done now is his hair. A longer, painted hair, should do the trick. But, if I do that, he will no longer resemble a man when he goes outdoors.
I examine him for 3 minutes, thinking how could he pass as a woman if one day he will be walking on the street. Then, I feel my stomach, asking for food.
"In most families", I say, " the husband comes from work and fixes his ass in the coach, watching TV. He never does anything else. For the woman, life is really harsh. She comes from work and has no time. She has to cook, to serve her husband, to clean the whole house, to wash clothes, while her man sits and does nothing".
He listens carefully. He is not that kind of guy, instead he helped me many times in the house.
"Then," I continue, "what comes? The wife would like to watch TV, to see soaps and whatever she likes. But the husband never lets her do this. He watches that boring football. What do men find so interesting, watching some guys who run after a ball for hours? The wife has no other option but to watch what she doesn't like. And then comes the most horrible part".
He continues to listen. He never did that. Yes, once or twice he wanted to watch an action movie, but usually I rule the TV.
"There are two options for the horrible part. First: he gets drunk. It all starts with a little glass, then another one and so on. In the end, he gets drunk. He starts behaving badly, beats his wife or even... worse. When they go to bed, he intoxicates her with his alcohol-flavored breath. Fucking infidels! The second option is like this: He rests while the wife cooks, washes and cleans the house. After all that, she is tired, while he is fresh. He wants sex, she wants to sleep. Many times, this is like a rape. This is how it is to be a woman".
"But I never treated you like that", he says.
"True", I answer. "But, if you look at not majority but ALL our neighbor families, you will see this. So, I want today to play a game. You want to see how it is to be a woman? Well, today you are going to serve me food, to stay with me, to serve me. And then, you are going to cleanup all the house and wash clothes. I don't ask you to cook, because there are many things you don't know about making food. So, do you want to start this?"
He looks at me a bit puzzled, then says:
"Ok. I will".
"Fine!" I say, with a big smile. "Then, you must acknowledge that I am hungry".
Without hesitating, he prepares me food. We have a soup made of vegetables. I am served. I eat, he stays near me, bringing me a glass of tea and bread. Then, he serves me with fresh cheese and an egg. And then, he brings me cookies with a glass of milk. Very good!
I am amazed how he listens and executes everything I say. So, a sissy is submissive. Is this what he wants? Is this how I should go along with him? It is not something I like. Still, there is a part of him that doesn't like this too. Then, we finish eating and I ask him to bring cigarettes and a lighter. He does this, just like a maid and not like a husband. We smoke. I correct him a few times. He must smoke like a woman if he wants to be like one.
I also notice that all this causes a sexual pleasure to him. He moves his feet, trying to hide an erection. That is strange, maybe even funny. At least for me, this comes with no sexual feeling. I was always amazed how fast men are turned on. It is like turning a switch. For us, women, things are far more different. We are like an engine. First, the engine needs to be started, then heated, then it works completely different.
After this, I say:
"Now I go to the TV and you wash the dishes. Then, you clean the whole house".
This is just what happens. I go to the TV and look at the news. Things are like always. People refuse to pay taxes. Everyone is accused of corruption, but nothing ever happens. Like always, the government has no option but to print money, to pay all its functionaries. Inflation must remain at 40%, otherwise a destabilization will cause again hyperinflation. We know well what that means: chaos and famine. Roads are damaged, railways are damaged, electricity networks are damaged; government has no money for that, ever. Industrial groups are repairing the infrastructure on their own, so that they can transport their goods. Industrial groups? That is the mafia. It is the mafia that keeps the economy alive. Many counterfeited products sold in the Civilized World come from here. Cigarettes, alcohol, all come from here. Also, we produce coal and wood, silk and a few other goods, all sold on the black market. There are drugs too, but they always are a secondary part of the picture. Each mafia leader says that "the coal must flow", that "the grass (tobacco) must flow" or "the drink must flow". they don't want conflicts and keep a level of peace, keeping drug dealers out of the picture. They are the only ones that bring money in here.
Sick of these ever repeating news, I go to watch a movie. In this time, Aslan comes in the room and starts cleaning the dust. Then, he does this in other rooms. I see him again, with a broom, cleaning dust from the carpets.
I light a cigarette and he leaves the broom, coming to smoke with me.
"No, not like this", I say. "You've seen many times how women clean and cook. If they want to smoke, they keep the cigarette in the mouth and don't stop what they are doing".
Aslan does exactly this. He lights the cigarette and keeps it in the mouth, cleaning the carpets with a broom. Smoke gets in his eyes. He doesn't like this, but I smile. He is trying the best to do this like a woman. And he is very close to how a woman would do such a thing. Only on rare occasions he takes the cigarette out of his mouth. Well, may I say her mouth? Because dressed like this, it looks like I no longer have a husband, but a maid... and she tries the best to really be one.
After two hours, he is done and comes to sit near me, to watch TV. We both sit on the coach. We take off our sandals and take our feet up on the coach. There is no way but to touch both our feet. We smoke a cigarette. Then, in the middle of maybe the most interesting part of that movie, electricity turns off. A blackout.
"It looks like there is no more TV for tonight", he says.
I look again at him. At a first look, anyone would say he is a woman. But, at a closer look, one would realize that he is not. He has no real breasts. Just push on the bra and you will notice it. also, his face is a bit different then that of a woman. No matter how much he tries to shave, there is a difference. And even more, the bones of his face are a bit different. I don't know what, but there is something that tells me this. However, the biggest difference is his voice. He clearly has the voice of a man. How can we make that change? There are women with a more bass voice. Long term smoking does that. But, still, the voice of a heavy smoking woman is not like the voice of a man. Is there any way this can be changed? And is there any way that, when he goes to work he can change it back? It is like the problem with his hair. I could paint it, to resemble a woman, but when he is at work, he will have major problems.
"Aslan, tell me the truth", I say. "Have you ever wished to be a woman?"
"Abida..." he says, hesitating to answer.
"I want the truth", I say, short. "No lie, no long talking. Did you ever whished to cross gender barrier and become a woman?"
"Yes, I did", he answers. "And not only once. But I long stopped wishing that".
"You still wish it somehow... or at least a part of you", I say, pinching him by one foot and showing the pantyhose layer.
"True", he says. "But you know that is impossible".
"So, you did wish that", I say, thinking what to do. "Even after I showed you what is to be a woman?"
"I don't know", he says. "Yesterday and today experiences made me confused".
"Well, there are many other things you don't know", I say. "To be a woman, it is very painful. Today, I want to explain it all to you. Everything you seen these two days is nothing compared to all the rest. Do you have any idea how painful is to have menstrual bleeding? You don't know. As a man, I don't think you can understand this at all but theoretical. It is so painful and lasts for long, that... It is... It hurts you from the inside. What you experienced when I epilated you, is almost nothing compared to it. Sometimes, it gets so intense, that you hardly see where you're walking. To make it all even worse, you have to hide it from everyone else. This is because people will make fun of you. And even if it is that painful, you've probably never seen a woman complaining about this pain. Men have no idea and they want their wives to cook, to work, to have sex, no matter what".
"I never knew just how hard it is..." he says, looking at me.
Everything is harder as a woman", I continue. "I've never seen a man with a penis infection, but believe me there are many women with genital infections. We have to wash inside. Many times, it is your semen that causes an infection. For a man, there is no big deal. He empties his balls inside a woman and lets it all go. For a woman, she needs to wash herself carefully each time. Even without having sex, this can happen. And believe me, it is painful. The infection can then move up to the kidneys, which is even worse. You will never get it out from there. You will need medication and there is no hospital around. And even if it were, we don't have the money for that".
I light a cigarette, watching him, to make sure he understands this all.
"You know why I cannot have children?"
"I do", he says.
"Because of an infection", I continue. "Not treated in time, it could had killed me. But I managed to go to the Land Of Dictators and purchase some pills. Sometimes, I regret that I didn't die. The pain I carry, unable to have children, is far worse then the pain of menstrual bleeding. A man can understand this only theoretical, but I tell you, this is far worse".
He looks at me, trying to find his words to caress me. I suffered many times because I cannot have children.
"And this is not all", I continue. "You know Gazelle? She died of cancer, from her genital organs. The same happened with Kitty. I've never seen a man to suffer from penis cancer or balls cancer. Not at all. But us, women, many of us lost our lives because of this".
"I know", he says.
"Still, you do not know enough", I continue. "Being a woman, comes with great risks. What do you know about rapes? Sexual abuses? How many women endured this? Many lost their minds, because it is a horrible experience. You know Tatiana and Adrastea? They both went insane because of this. Other women end-up as whores after a rape. I don't know what is happening, probably it is a result of hormonal damage. Finally, there are many women who ended-up as sfenists".
"I know sfenists", he says.
"They are at the border between normal and insane", I answer. "After years of pain and suffering, they manage to live a normal life. However, sex will never be something pleasant for them, if they will be able to do such thing at all".
"They suffer even more when parents and society force them to get married", he says.
"The same happens with women, when they are sold or married against their wish", I say. "Many times, this ends-up in a never-ending pain".
He looks at me. This time, he is no longer confused, but sad of what he heard. I bet he never knew that women's life is so harsh.
"How is it to be a woman?" I say, in a conclusion. "Pain. Men have no idea how it is. It starts with the most easy and simple things. For example, the way you piss. Men solve this problem very easy. They turn their back and piss in front of a tree or a wall. But women? Do you have any ideas how many times I had to hold on, sometimes desperate to take a piss? It is harder for a woman. It is like for a man to find a place to poop, that's how hard it is".
"Sorry", he says.
I take the last dose of smoke from my cigarette, put the filter in the ashtray, blow a thick cloud of smoke in the room and say:
"Now, after you know all this, do you still want to be a woman?"
"No, not like this", he answers. "I must confess that I like cross-dressing. I am probably addicted to this. But, I am not willing to transform myself into a woman, even if it were possible. When I was a teen, I dreamed that, but not now. I never had any idea how painful it is".
I have a feeling of relief. Cross-dressing in the house is something we can handle, that does not cross a limit beyond which everything changes dramatically. Maybe I played the game as it should be played... or maybe not. Only time will tell. If he wants to go further, he will risk his life anyway. He will never go that far.
"Abida", he says suddenly.
"Yes", I answer.
"Did you ever wanted to become a man?"
Wow! This question strikes me like the pawns in a bowling alley. I never expected him to ask me such a thing, ever. I decided to hide this subject from him. The reason I allowed and even helped him to practice cross-dressing in the house is not only that I love him, but that many times in past I wished I were a boy. Well, not quite a boy, actually a shemale.
"I think you did", he answers, thinking of my silence.
"Please, I am too tired now", I find a fast excuse. "I will answer you tomorrow".
I will have to tell him the secret one day. May it be a shame, may it be a sin, honesty and sincerity are basic things that must exist in a family. So, I will have to tell him all at some point.
TO BE CONTINUED
The wife found out that her husband is a hidden cross-dresser. She accepts this, but why? She is hiding a big secret.
Less then a month passed and my life changed in a way I would never had accepted before. I found my husband, Aslan, wearing my clothes and my make-up. Now, I have nothing against this. When he comes home, he changes clothes and becomes... may I say, a half-woman. Half, because his body still is that of a man, despite the appearance.
I never thought I will ever accept a man to dress like a woman, a hidden cross-dresser.
I was, at some moment, afraid that he will go further away and become gay or think about gender change. In the part of the world where we live, that could mean death. So, I decided to show him how painful is the life of a woman. I epilated him and pierced earrings and a belly ring. I forced him to clean, to wash clothes and to serve me food, like a wife should do to a husband. Then, I told him all the problems of being a woman: menstrual pain, the risk of being raped and the worst of all - the risk to get uterus cancer. He was puzzled, even shocked to find out the truth.
I influenced him to become a cross-dresser in the house. I even bought him clothes. He confessed to me that he never went that far in his life. He only did this when he was completely alone. Before we were together, he only went to make-up and a few clothes, mainly pantyhose.
But then, when I thought things are going too far, I stopped him, convincing him to never cross a certain barrier. Beyond that point, he risks his life. It was also the fact that I was afraid. Beyond a certain point, it could be very hard, if not impossible, for our relationship to go on.
**********
One day, I asked him if he ever wanted to be a woman. He told me that yes, many times, this was his dream. Then, he did something that knocked me off like a pawn on a bowling alley. This thing melted me for days. He said: "Did you ever wanted to cross gender barriers?" With other words, he asked me if I ever wanted to be a man.
This is the hidden reason why I allowed and helped him to look like a woman in the house. The answer is that I wanted many times to be a man. Well, not quite, but something close to.
However, there is a completely different story. His attraction to look like a woman comes from something else. He seems to be drown by sexual thoughts. I noticed that when he wears women clothes, he sometimes has an erection. I don't need to look at that, I can see it clear in his eyes. He seems to be motivated by a sexual desire. My point of view is that such things happen to lonely people, to those who spent most of their lives alone, without many friends and without many sexual relations. Lonely people evolve different then the mainstream population. Talking about sex, they develop many fetishes and are strongly attracted by those fetishes instead of the real thing. I noticed even from the beginning, that it is much harder for him to have sex if I don't have pantyhose on then if I do. Also, if I have lipstick on, this stimulates him.
We, women, are different, but still we have fetishes. I find a good stimulation to see men with muscles (but Aslan is not that kind, anyway). Sweet words also count a lot. I do have an attraction for smokers. since Aslan started smoking, I find it more easy for me to have sex with him. I was always watching amazed how, on TV, bad guys smoke cigars.
**********
Today, I am alone in the house. I arrived much earlier. Aslan will come from work in about four hours. Since I am alone, I decide to open the Pandora Box. Even if I said I will tell him everything, there are parts of my life that I never told him. Maybe, when time will allow, I will.
I open the closet and look at his clothes. They are too large for me, but still can be used. I take off all my woman clothes and stand naked in front of the closet. Then, I start.
At first, I put on his pants. Then, I add a shirt, socks and trousers. I take the small mirror we have on the wall and look at myself. Do I look like a man? Not at all. There is no big deal for a woman to wear trousers. It was in past, but not today. To wear a men shirt? Also, not big deal. It is too large for me, but still wearable. For a woman, to wear men staff, it's not something people will shout at.
I am still a woman in all aspects.
I light a cigarette and try to smoke like a man.
As time passed, I tried to see how I would look like a man. When I was a child, I took a picture of myself and painted a beard and a mustache... but then I destroyed the picture. Later, this became much more easy, once I had a computer. The last time I did this, it was just before we moved together. I had two pictures of myself: one of my head and one in full profile. I downloaded some pictures of men from the internet. With the most simple image program I had, with Paint, I started to copy body parts or clothes from men pictures and apply them on me.
I hardly managed to make me look like a man. but was I really one?
There is an interesting phenomena that happens. When a man cross-dresses as a woman, an age progression will occur. Aslan is 37 as a man, but as a woman, is 40 or even 45. women that try to cross-dress as men, see the opposite phenomena: age regression. I might have 36, but dressed as a man, I have 30 or less.
A man that dresses like a woman will appear stronger, powerful. By opposite, in all pictures I made of myself as a man, I see myself as a weak and silly boy and by far not a wild and powerful stallion, ready to fight and attracting all women. Even now, in his clothes, I look like if I am a sick younger brother.
When I was a little girl, I wished I were a boy, but for a different reason. I wanted to play football, I wanted to go in the forest with the guys, I wanted to take part of their lives. Boys have more freedom then girls.
But when I grew-up, I entered a different phase of my life. Guys started to seduce me... but I was not that stupid. I could see where is all this going. I started to see them getting drunk, wasting money on gambling and trying to seduce girls. Seduce girls? That is nice, but I could see beyond their painted masks of good intentions. All they wanted is to go to bed, fuck them and then abandon them. Nothing else. Really, nothing else. Two women, witnessed something even worse. One guy seduced them, went to bed with the first one, then cheated her for the second one, then abandoned both for someone else. What happened is that both got pregnant. The first one, Cemis, struggled hard to grow a child alone, while the second one, Erlit, tried to make an abortion. After that, she could never get pregnant again. Even today, when she is alone, she cries and suffers for the soul of the child she murdered. People see Cemis as a figher, but Erlit suffered more. And why all this? Because of a guy with too much testosterone.
What happened with Cemis and Erlit made me no longer to wish to be a guy. I decided to live as I am, as a woman, to be independent and build my own way in life. I never had the intention to get married. Some women are addicted to sex and many times this is why they stick to their men, even if they are jerks. But I found out very early in my life that I can self-satisfy myself. It is true, masturbation can give you sometimes a far better feeling then real sex.
Well, this was me before I found Aslan. He made the impossible happen.
As I seen, men that practice cross-dressing are often motivated by a sexual desire. Women, are different. It is the fact that being a man offers better advantages in life. It is the fact that men are stronger and in some cultures have access to things that women don't have.
Well, I no longer wish I were a man. But, still there is something. I cannot have children, because of an infection I had when I were a teen. so, my genitals are useless, but sometimes they cause me a lot of pain. Men don't have menstrual bleeding, they don't suffer from infections and experience no pain that we, women, do.
I wish I were a woman, but with male organs. I wish I were a shemale.
There is something about this subject. Since I found out that Aslan is a hidden cross-dresser, I started to study the subject. At some point, I found on the internet a cartoon picture named sissy examination. There was a sissy in short skirt, with a penis visible beneath the skirt. She was in front of a piece of wood, with a penis on (probably made of plastic). The sissy was sucking that plastic penis. There was another sissy, helping the first one, also with a short skirt and a visible penis erecting from beneath. And near them, there was a teacher, which I presume it was also a sissy. I looked at that image, thinking what it might be.
Looking at that picture, I kept on thinking about how would I feel to be like that. Not examining a plastic penis, having one instead of a vaginas. But, as I visited the article (as much as was possible, to see more you have to pay), I noticed all those sissies were in fact men, transformed, with girl clothes or even with breast implants.
**********
I hear a noise. The door house door is opening. Aslan is home. I have to change! I hurry-up, taking off his clothes.
"Honey, I am home!" he says. "I have something you like!"
In a hurry, I take off all men clothes. I put the pantyhose on, forgetting to put the underpants first. When you are in a hurry, you never make things right. The pantyhose does not fit correctly. I take my blouse on, then try to put on the skirt... but I have to arrange the pantyhose before. Oh mine! And I have to put my earrings on and...
"Abida?" he asks for me.
He is getting closer. I manage to pull the skirt up, then start to close the buttons on my blouse.
"Darling, I found banana flavored Kiss cigarettes!" he says, entering the bedroom door.
I try to answer, but I hardly mumble something.
"Abida?" he says. "Sorry, I didn't know you were changing", he says, moving back.
Just as I think I am safe and he did not notice his clothes on the carpet, he stops, takes one cigarette and puts it in my mouth, then lights it. I love cigarettes with fruit flavor and he knows this well. I take a puff. It tastes great. For a second, I forget what I was just doing before he came in. But then, I realize his clothes are down on the floor, that I don't have my underpants on, that my bra is down between his clothes... Will he notice?
We are used to dress and undress together, so it makes no sense for me to say "Leave me a second, I am changing".
"My trousers are on the floor", he says. "I thought I made order in the closet. I guess only a woman knows how to keep order in the house".
Then he sees my bra down and takes it. He looks at me. I am paralyzed. What can I say? I almost divorced when I found he is a secret cross-dresser. Now, what will happen to me?
"Abida, do you feel ok?" he asks. "You look strange. What is with you?"
He invites me to sit down and pushes the clothes closer to the closet. He also moves the mirror to make room for us to stay.
"Abida?" he says. "It's ok. I am here with you. I will do whatever it takes to make you happy, even if that would mean to go through the shores of hell. You know it well I'll do".
I take a new dose of smoke from the Kiss cigarette. I see my hand is shaking a bit. He also lights one and starts to caress me, touching my head and holding my other hand.
"I am here, Abida", he says. "I am here and I will never let you. Just tell me what happened and how can I help you".
I look deep inside his eyes. The man that I love... but I was about to divorce when I found he is a secret cross-dresser. He is close to unravel the secret of my life and is so friendly... and I was so angry and upset when I found him wearing my clothes and my make-up.
"Aslan, I need to tell you a secret", I say. "I am a bit like you and a bit not like you".
TO BE CONTINUED
The wife found her husband secretly wearing her clothes. She accepted it... because of her secret, which now he is about to find out.
It's been long since I found out my husband, Aslan, wearing my clothes and my make-up and smoking my cigarettes. At first, I was so strongly against it, but then, I accepted. Well, it is not the way I would like. A woman likes to be near a man, not a sissy... but so be it. I accepted and tried to adapt myself to the situation. He does not know that I also have a secret. When I was a little girl, I dreamed that I were a boy. Later, I no longer wanted that... but even today, I want to be something between. I want to be still a woman, but to replace my genitals with a man's organs. I want to b a shemale.
Well, I know that it is impossible, at least in the part of the world where we are. But, even so, dreams still exist.
Today, I opened the closet and tried to wear some of Aslan's clothes in secret. But, no matter what I try, I still am a woman. It is not like him. All he needs is to wear some of my clothes and he is a woman. Then, he entered the house and found me (luckily, I had time to dress back) with all his clothes on the floor in front of the closet. I became scared, afraid, shaking. He did not understand what is going on and started to caress me. Oh, his love for me is beyond what would one expect at other men. I managed to say:
"Aslan, I need to tell you a secret", I say. "I am a bit like you and a bit not like you".
I felt like the whole world is collapsing around me. But instead, he looks at me with even more love in his eyes.
"Let's change into our home clothes", I say. "Then, we will talk a bit".
He listens to me. He takes off his man clothes and becomes a woman. I give him a black knee-long dress, skin-color shiny pantyhose and white plastic sandals. Then, I give him a white blouse and a bra. A necklace, wooden bracelets, earrings and sunglasses and he becomes a woman. Only his voice resembles that of a man.
I take a white knee-long skirt with white, demi-opaque pantyhose and black plastic sandals. A black blouse is what else is needed. I did not give him any underwear, because women's are too narrow for a man. Not good thing when you have a penis.
Then, we sit both on a coach and we both light a cigarette. Just as I take the first inhale, deep into my hungry lungs, we hear noise outside.
"I'll kill you!"
"No, I'll kill you and your family!"
"You will taste my blade and your wife will taste my dick!"
"I will put your guts on my fence, infidel!"
"Just die, piece of garbage!"
The shouts don't end-up in a fight, the two probably move in opposite directions. This is a remainder of how dangerous this place is. What is an act of greetings for one, for someone else is a violation of a moral code. Only if someone will see Aslan dressed like a woman, as he is now... and we are in danger.
"Abida, can you now tell me what happened?" he asks.
I take a big drag of smoke and blow it to the roof. Then, I take my courage and say:
"You know why I accepted you to go cross-dressing?"
He looks surprised and a bit scared.
"Because, we have something in common", I say. "You want to look like a woman, but there is a part of me that wants to be like a man. Well, sort of".
He looks with a big relief in his face.
"Oh, Abida. That is fine, I thought you had trouble at work".
Trouble at work? He is able to accept me as a man cross-dresser so easy? For me, it was so hard to accept his as a woman... even now, I still have something against this.
"Well, not to wear men clothes, but somehow... I don't know".
He holds my hand, supporting me to say more.
"Are you saying that you want men clothes?" he asks.
"No, not like that", I say. "There was a time when I wanted to be a boy, but that was long ago. Later, when I grew-up, I started to hate men, mainly after a good friend of mine was raped by one".
"I know, many men are only for sex, but you know I am different. And I am not the only one different".
I look at him, how easy he accepts this.
"Don't you feel any repulsion that I say this?" I say.
"No. I love you, Abida. The only thing I want is to see you happy".
Then, I take all my courage, take a deep puff from my cigarette and say it, short and clear:
"I wished I were a... shemale. I wish I were a woman in all aspects but with male genitals".
He looks surprised at me, thinking.
"I don't know if that is possible", he whispers. "At least not where we live".
"It is not possible", I answer.
"It was possible for me, to partially become a woman, even in this dangerous place. Just let me a bit think about a possibility. There must be a way".
"How?" I ask.
"I think I know a way".
He goes to our laptop and opens it. He types 'strap-on'. I heard about that kind of device, I know it exists. I know that in the Civilized World you can find such items online or at a sex shop... but here? We don't have enough money to support our daily life.
He directly goes to online shops and shows me the prices. They vary from 15 to 50 $. It should be very little for someone in America, but not here. Where we live, a salary is around 100$. Well, the prices are far smaller. I heard that in America a pack of cigarettes is around 10$, while here, you get five packs with 1$.
"We can afford one at 30$", he says.
I look so surprised, almost scared. How can ha accept this so naturally?
"You allowed me to dress like a woman, why shouldn't I help you feel like a man?"
"But where could you find something like this? And how can you bring that item here?" I ask.
"Don't worry", he says. "We know the man... I mean, woman".
I know. Dmitry, the former KGB spy that dresses like a woman to save his life. He is the only one that can handle such items. But still, there is a risk. What if Dmitry tells someone? He buys and sells information. He will arrange the bargain, but also he will want some cash for this.
"No, please don't do that!" I say. "Who knows who will find out. It's not about the money, it's about our safety".
He answers nothing. Instead, he starts to hold me and kiss me. I do the same.
**********
The next day, Aslan goes to work without saying too much. I guess he is silent for a reason. Oh mine! I wish he will not do this! I wish he will not find Dmitry or at least he will not try to do this. I also go to work, without saying anything. Maybe this incident will go unnoticed. Maybe he will forget about it. And talking about money, to waste a third of your salary for a sex toy... is something I don't find acceptable. And for what? For a fantasy? It's not the real thing, anyway.
**********
After work, we come back home, nearly at the same time. We go to the closet and Aslan says:
"Abida, how if you are the man today and I am the woman?"
"You went after the toy?" I ask.
"Well..." he says.
I can see he tries to lie.
"You went, I guess".
"Yes, I did. But it will arrive in almost a month", he answers.
"Dmitry?"
"Yes, he will handle the order".
"How much?"
"50 $", he answers. "I never knew he has a computer with internet access. He chosen the model himself".
"Aslan, 50 $ is too much. We cannot afford that!"
"Abida, you are worthless. Not even all the money in the world can be enough for your value".
To all gods: Stop him!
"Today, you are the man", he says. Get dressed in my clothes... if they fit you. Go to the TV and watch sports and play a car game on the computer".
I listen to him. His clothes are too wide for me. Well, I keep a pair of pantyhose under the trousers, since I know his fetish. Then, I go to the TV and watch sports and politics, as men should do. He, dressed as a woman, goes through the house and starts cleaning the dust, washing the clothes and cooking. I relax on the coach at the TV, smoking. Smoke gets in the air. It is relaxing that he is doing all the housekeeping alone and I enjoy my free time. But, my mind is on the money. Isn't it too much? Will someone find out? And if someone will discover this, what will happen?
Then I move to the computer. I turn on his favorite game, about spaceships. Today I am a man. So, why shouldn't I play what guys do? It feels nice, relaxing, but every minute, I remember that he ordered that thing. 50 $! Oh my gods! Isn't that too much?
I see Aslan, dressed as a woman, coming to the room. He takes washed clothes to hang them on the rope. Then, he returns with dried clothes. He starts ironing some of them. Just like I use to, he holds a cigarette in his hand while doing all this. I sit on the computer and smoke, relaxed and watching him with one eye.
"What a fuck!" I think. "I am the man and he is the woman! Is this the way things should be? What a fuck!"
I go to YouTube and play the song:
"When I came to Spain, I found myself a party. I told to myself, what a fuck. All day, all night. All day, all night". Then, come some ramble words in a language I don't understand. And then, "What a fuck!"
Aslan comes to the computer and looks at me.
"You know what guys watch when they are alone?" he says.
"I don't know".
"They go to porn".
"Really?" I ask. "No, that is too much".
"Yes, that's what they do. That's what probably all guys do when they are alone".
He changes program. Well, sexy is something I accept, but porn is too much. I instead go to something that makes me horny: guys with muscles, sweat, doing exercises in gym.
"This is what most women like to see", I answer.
Something made me say: "Not a man dressed in a woman!" but I don't say.
"Well, have it your way, guy, but that means that you're gay", he says, laughing.
I, then, have an idea. What if... I look at his pantyhosed feet and at his sandals. I simply type on that porn site sandals. I find something interesting: a woman, sitting on a chair and smoking. She wears no skirt and has sandals. A man is down on the floor and she puts her foot on his mouth, while he licks her sandal. She seems relaxed.
Aslan is watching this. Oh, that girl has no pantyhose on. No surprise he is not attracted. He shows me another one. In that video, the camera is beneath the desk, showing her feet, covered with tan pantyhose.
We watch this. She lights a cigarette just as I finish mine. Then, she takes off her sandals, exposing her pantyhosed soles. As this happens, I notice how Aslan twitches a bit. I look and his face turned a bit to red. I look at his dress and yes... I can see a small bulge.
"This turns you on?" I ask.
"Yes", he answers. "You?"
"You know what turns me on", I answer. "But, it is interesting".
Then, I want to see something else. What about the sex toy that is on the way? So, I type: "strap", then I delete. He sees what I do and completes the name, starting a search.
"What a fuck!" I say.
All I see is women fucking men.
"I guess that's what it is used for", he answers.
"Oh mine!" I say. "That is not for me. You mean, I should penetrate you?"
"I hope not", he says, with a smile. "Try this one!"
Title says: strap-on stroking and smoking. Well, that sounds more like it. And just as the title says, a girl is smoking and stroking a fake dick. That is more acceptable.
Something tells me to stop. Something tells me that I will commit a huge sin by doing this. But, there is another part of me that doesn't let me stop. I watch this video, then another one, saying to myself:
"I accept it".
"What do you say?" asks Aslan.
"I accept the toy. I was fighting with myself", I answer.
This decision was even harder then when I allowed Aslan to dress like a woman. It is a part of me that wanted this to happen even a long time ago. It is a dream that I always said no to it. Well, now I made the step. I see my path going straight to hell. My soul is lost. Now, what should I do?
TO BE CONTINUED
Wife found her husband secretly wearing her clothes and make-up. Then, husband found her wife's secret that nobody knew. If people know, they risk their lives.
Time passed since I found my husband, Aslan, dressed with my clothes, wearing my make-up and smoking my cigarettes. It took me time to get over this. Now, when we are alone, he can dress as a woman in the house without any problem. For a long time, I still was against this. After all, I married a man, not a sissy... well, I married a sissy, without knowing it. But still, my love for him is beyond limits. I accepted him this way, a thing that maybe no wife would ever agree on. Why I accepted such a thing? First of all, because I love him. It is enough for me just to look at other families and I can see the difference. Aslan never harmed me, he never came drunk home, he never cheated on me, he never spent money on gambling. Many other men, when they come from work, they fix their asses on the coach and watch TV, while Aslan looks to see how he can help me. How couldn't I love such a man? I mean... sissy.
When I found him wearing my clothes, a few days I was ready to divorce. But now, he found my guilty secret.
Why I accepted him to cross-dress in the house? It is love, but there is something else. From a very young age, I wished I were a boy. But later, I no longer wanted this, just something between. I wished I were a girl, but with male genitals. A shemale. The longer I think about this, the longer I see my genitals as a problem. Two close friends died of cancer... at their uterus. A cousin died of the same thing. I know many women that were abused, raped... many of them recovered, but some ended-up as sfenists. Some ended-up even insane!
How hard is to be a woman? Men will never understand. Many see women just as sex toys and house maids. On the fuck with them! I think the only men who can understand a woman are those who are not men at all. Cross-dressers, like Aslan. Transgender people and those from sexual minorities also understand this very well. Only if I think about the bleeding period and all the pain it gives... and it is enough. In the Civilized World, women take pills and no longer feel all that pain... but here, medical services are almost absent. If you are sick, you die.
Aslan found out about this. He promised me that he will bring me a strap-on. It is not a penis and it will not remove my vagina, but still, it is something. That thing costs half of his salary. When he found out, he did not want to divorce, nor he had a repulsion. He went to Dmitry and paid an advance, waiting for the product to come. 50 $, that is half of a salary here, at the End Of The World.
**********
Today, I finish work and leave. I had my bleeding period. It is now ending, but still I feel a bit dizzy and pain. I go to the bazaar and buy some milk, eggs and vegetables from the peasants. Then, I buy two packs of cigarettes. The road, filled with holes in the old, unrepaired asphalt, takes me home. A wrecked car passes by, followed by two horse carriages. Not far from here, I see a fight. Three guys grab another guy and start beating him. Well, violence is common here. With no police, what to expect? I just pass by. People have a natural sense of justice and they make justice on their own. The worst thing is to get between them.
"Abida?" shouts a female voice. "Abida, wait!"
I look. It's Natasha, a woman immigrated from the Land Of Dictators. I know her. She is a lesbian, something that is not accepted here. She carefully hides the truth, to save her life. Where she comes from, people wanted to kill her for this. But here, because of the goddess Actit, the mother of Adam and Eve, people are prohibited from killing a woman. Men have a different fate, but she is safe. If people ask why she doesn't marry, she lies, saying "I had cancer and surgery and I cannot have sex". When a guy tries to seduce her, she says the magic words that keep men away: "Leave me alone, infidel!" These words protected me a few times, when guys tried to seduce me.
"Natasha?" I say.
"Abida, I need your help", she says. "Dmitry sent me to you".
Dmitry is a former KGB agent that hides at the mill, dressed as a Muslim widow. Still, he uses his tentacles to gather and sell information. What is he up to now?
"Come with me", I say.
It is not good for other people to find out what we are talking. So, I invite her out from the town. I go home, grab some carpets and we head to the river. People will think that we are washing carpets there. Many people do this. We find a place where nobody is around. We wash the first carpet, then put it to dry on a fallen tree trunk.
Then, we both sit and light a cigarette. Natasha is a short girl, with her hair painted copper-like color. She wears a short white dress with some black on it and plastic sandals. This is how women dress like in summer. I am the only exception, since I wear pantyhose. I do this for Aslan, because of his strong fetish.
"There is a guy asking for protection", says Natasha. "He contacted me through the internet and I went to Dmitry for help. He is paying the whole operation".
I look interested. A source of cash? Just fine. But what is going on? Is that guy running from a mafia faction? That could be too much. I think about it, as Natasha continues to speak. She takes another drag from her cigarette, then speaks, as smoke gets out of her mouth and nostrils, together with her words:
"That guy is coming from the Land Of War and is running to the Civilized World", says Natasha.
"Why?" I ask. "What had he done?"
I know Land Of War. Never ending conflicts, vendettas and guerilla fights. Nobody would like to be there. I heard stories that behind the endless fights, the real reason is heroin. So, not good news.
"Nothing bad", says Natasha, mixing her words with smoke. "He is... like me".
I look surprised.
"You mean lesbian? Gay?"
"Yes, he is gay. And he wants to save his life".
"On the fuck!" I say. "If someone finds out, he will have his ass penetrated by bullets".
"He contacted through the internet other gay people from the Civilized World and they agreed to pay to take him there. I heard about and tried to help".
"That is good from you", I say, thinking that she is also a lesbian and how she escaped to here.
I take a deep inhale from my cigarette, looking around the shores to make sure nobody is listening. If anyone will find out of this, we are all doomed.
"All I need is you to hide him for a few days. Then, as his papers will be done, send him by train, over the border, to the Land Of Dictators. Leave him safe in train, the next escort will continue".
The next escort? This is a complex plan, elaborated by a mafia faction. I know how this works. I will get paid 50% before and 50% after. Not long ago, I would never accept such a thing. But now, with Aslan as a cross-dresser and me waiting to get a strap-on, I start to think about the poor man. He is a human after all, even if, according to the unwritten law and the moral law, he should be killed.
"I accept", I say. "How much?"
I have to hide my feelings for him as a human.
"50 $", says Natasha. "25 before and 25 after. Drop box here, at the root of this tree".
Natasha opens a pocket in her dress and hands me 25 $. She knows how to do this, shaking my hand, as nobody will see her.
"You like my nails?" she says.
I know the trick. If anyone seen this, will think that I was looking at her nails. They are painted light-red.
"I think they fit well you", I answer.
"So do your bracelets", she says, looking at my hands.
"Ok, let's wash another carpet", I say.
After we finish washing, Natasha says:
"Tomorrow, at the second train".
Roads are very damaged, so railways are mostly used by people and cargo. But even they are not in a good shape. Trains are old, rusted and unrepaired. They usually go with 20 km/h, but that still is better then what you see on roads.
**********
After this, I return home and tell Aslan about. He listens me carefully, then says:
"We must be careful. We must save the poor man, but not show him even a bit of our cross-dressing and trans side".
So, for the next days, Aslan will have to behave like a man and I like a woman at all. I know how this works and what to do. We will pretend that the stranger is a cousin of us.
**********
The second train arrives at 11 AM. I tell people a work that I feel very bad, to get some free time. Well, I go to the station. The red building is filled with cracks in the walls and garbage is everywhere along the tracks. This is the heart of our town and our state. Here, everything happens. People load and unload boxes from passenger and cargo trains. Cigarettes, alcohol, counterfeited clothes, everything is exchanged here. Here, the cops are lurking around the train platforms, waiting for bribery. Other goods like coal and wood are shipped not far, loaded and downloaded from cargo trains. Diesel fuel, cement, tires, computers... you name it. You can find everything here. And everything is done by small notes. People wait each other and their goods in known places. Those places are named by graffiti written on the walls. The place where I will wait is on a platform. It is written: "So please be gentle while I crash the sky". The train comes and a man looks around, then goes directly to me, to the graffiti sign.
"Welcome, cousin", I say.
"Hi, cousin", he answers.
Without any other words, we walk together. A cop comes and looks at us. I know how it works. I give him 3 $ and he says nothing. We get out of the railway station and I guide him home, saying nothing on the way.
I look at this man. Who could believe that he is gay? Who could believe that he carries such a big sin, that people will kill him for? He looks like everyone else. He has men sandals and short trousers, a shirt and a small bag. That's all. He is a man in all aspects, no difference. There is only one thing: his eyes. There is something about them, about the way he looks. It is not that he is in a strange place, even if far more safe then the Land Of War. I don't know... just that I never seen a gay person before. His eyes are different, they look in a different way.
Well, I take him to my home and tell him short:
"You have some food in the kitchen. The TV is yours. I need to go to work. My husband, Aslan, will come probably before me. We are sorry that you will have to stay alone for a few hours. If you need anything, tell us".
I leave and hurry back to work. Nobody must know what is happening.
**********
When I return home, I think what to expect. What should I find at our home? I know that Aslan came before me. Well, we shall see...
I open the door. Music is playing slowly. The stranger is serving lunch with Aslan, which is dressed as a man. Nothing different. I find my lunch waiting me on the table. So, I eat. Then, we all light our cigarettes.
"Is there anything you need?" I ask.
"No thanks", he says. "You are so kind!"
"Everything ok?" I say to Aslan.
"Yes, everything fine. He helped me make your lunch".
Wow, that is something! A man that helped my husband make lunch. What man would do such a thing? What man?
We don't talk after this. It is the protocol. One important law is your left hand must not know what is in your right hand. We must not give him information about who we are and he must not give us information about him. Also, we must not know his previous and next escorts and they must not know about us.
**********
In the morning, before going to work, I go to the river, to check under the tree trunk. There is a small sheet of paper, saying:
"His papers will be here when done. Give him unopened".
I place another sheet of paper, with the message:
"Everything ok".
**********
Four days passed like this. The stranger stays all the time in our house, watching TV. We don't speak about anything. Then, in a morning, before going to work, I go to the river and find a sheet of paper and an envelope. On the paper, it is written:
"His papers are ready. Take him at last train to Land Of Dictators. Your payment will be here if he arrives safe".
I keep the envelope hidden at work. Then, when I arrive home, I give it to him. He opens it. New identity papers for the Land Of Dictators, a train ticket to there and an airplane ticket from there to the Civilized World.
"Thank you!" he says.
"We go at the evening, with the last train", I say. "Remember, you never seen me or my husband. We don't even exist".
"I was on a vacation", he says.
We also take Aslan. It is late night. Dogs are barking on the streets at this hour. But still, even now, there are people around. We move without saying a word. We take him to the train station. He steps in the train just a minute before it departs. Nobody will attack you in a train. His journey to freedom has started. But first, he has to pass through the Land Of Dictators, where another escort is waiting. It will be more complicated there, as he will need a visa to pass border into civilization, not an internal passport like here.
We watch the train departing. Nothing will stop him now, until he reaches main station in the Land Of Dictators. Again, cops are waiting on the train platforms, for a bribery. Surprisingly, this time they don't come to us. So, we pass without an incident.
**********
After 3 days, I find at the river the remaining 25 $, without any note. Mission complete, payment achieved. I don't know if he passed the border to the civilized World. I will never know. And he will never meet us again, ever.
All this time, I wanted to ask him a few questions. How is it to be a gay? What made him become one? Was he born this way? It is so shocking to see one... that looks like everyone else, except for his eyes.
I've seen gay parades on TV or on the internet. All this time, I thought that they are some sort of perverts. Well, at those parades, they largely practice cross-dressing. But him? He was dressed like any man would dress in summer.
What a fuck?
I've seen Natasha many times. I talked to her, trying to understand why she is a lesbian. I figured out that it all started in early childhood, but for a while she was not decided of what her orientation is. Later, she got repulsed to see men getting drunk and violent. A main factor in her case, was a neighbor, a woman that was also a lesbian.
Why I never was angry on Natasha? Because she is a woman. Because of Actit, the mother goddess. But now, I think it is time to understand something. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe all the people are wrong.
**********
Then, as I get back home, I see Aslan, dressed as a woman. I realize something. Being a cross-dresser does not imply that you are gay. I am thinking even further. During this time, I read some memories of transgender people. Men who became women and rare cases of women who became men. In many cases, their bodies transformed, but their sexual orientation remained. Former men, as women, became lesbians, while former women, as men, became gay.
When I allowed Aslan to cross-dress, I forced him to make a step in a direction. Now, as I wait my strap-on to come, I feel that I am making a similar step in a similar direction. An unseen force is pushing us forward, on a road that nobody in this village walked on. What is that direction leading us to? I don't know. It is like walking in night with a lantern. We can see the road in front of us, but there is no way to see where it will end.
TO BE CONTINUED
A secret never remains unraveled.
It's been two months since I found my husband, Aslan, wearing my clothes, my make-up and smoking my cigarettes. I accepted him as he is and I got used with it. He also knows my guilty secret, that I long wanted to change my genitals with those of a man, but still to remain a woman. To be a shemale. I know well that, the things we do, are strongly prohibited in here. We risk our lives. On the other hand, temptation is too strong. Aslan decided to help me and paid the advance for a strap-on. A fake penis that will give me some satisfaction, of being somehow a shemale. It is not the real thing and it is very expensive... but I like the idea. I can hardly wait to have it.
**********
today, I came from work before Aslan. I used the extra time to make lunch. And just as I relax myself on the coach, I hear the door opening. He just arrived home.
"Abida, my love", he says, "I got it. The package just arrived".
"Oh mine!" I say. "That is great news!"
"Here it is!" he says, holding a box covered with paper.
I jump off the coach and grab it, then open the pack. As I remove the outer layer of paper, carefully glued all over the product, I see a box of cardboard inside. I open that one too, with a knife. Inside, I find what I so long waited. It is some sort of a belt, to be attached around my crotch. The package also contains two penises, one large and one small. They are made of an elastic material, probably rubber. The large one is a bit longer then the real thing and well textured, made just to fit on the belt. The small one is more elastic, has balls and looks like the real thing when it becomes small.
I hold Aslan in my arms and kiss him. Then, I take up my skirt and put the belt, then I add the big one. As I let my skirt down, I notice a bulge that becomes visible.
"How do I look?" I ask.
"Like a shemale", he answers.
"I am a shemale! I am a shemale! I am a shemale!" I say, dancing of happiness and jumping in the room. Then I notice that, when I jump, sometimes it becomes visible.
"I am happy that you are happy", says Aslan, smiling and kissing me.
I just keep on looking at myself, at the bulge this thing makes under my skirt.
"You like it?" I ask.
"Yes, it is amazing", he says.
"Why don't you also become a shemale?" I ask.
He doesn't hesitate and changes. He takes off his man clothes, then dresses like a woman. He has now white plastic sandals, skin-colored shiny pantyhose and a white-red dress. I have white plastic sandals, light-brown pantyhose, a pink dress with flowers design and a grey shirt. We both have bracelets, earrings and a necklace. We look like two women.
I take off the big penis and put the small one. The bulge vanishes, but I can still feel it, hanging in front of my feet. So nice! I can walk with this on, even on the street. I touch myself, to see if it is visible somehow. No, it is not at all. And if I move the belt and the small penis under pantyhose, it will clearly not be visible by anyone.
As Aslan finishes dressing and applying make-up, I put back the big one. We both stand up, looking one at each other. He hugs me and kisses me. I feel my fake penis touching his body. So incredible! Until now, I could fell his, touching me, when it grew in size, when we were going to make love. He always tried to hide it. But now, I have one too!
"I see nothing under your skirt!" I say, laughing.
"It is under the pantyhose", he answers.
"Still, mine is bigger", I say, kissing him.
He moves his hand under my skirt, touching it. Too bad it is rubber and not real. I wish I could feel what he is feeling. But still, it is amazing. A man touching my penis, just as a woman would do to a man!
I also move my hand and gently push his pantyhose off, just to release his organ. It is already hard. And now I look at his dress. The bulge is visible too.
"We are two shemale people having fun", he says.
He starts playing with my fake penis, moving his fingers around. He is stroking me. I look as the dress moves up and down, above his hand. So exciting! I never imagined this will one day be possible. So, I start stroking him too. My hand is moving under his dress and his hand is moving under my skirt.
We do this one or two minutes, then I say:
"How do you guys do it when you are alone?"
"Simple", he says.
I take it in my own hand. It is a different texture, unlike the real thing. I start stroking myself.
"Not like this", he says. "Like this".
He shows me how. Faster and without touching the top. This thing also touches my clit and gives me some satisfaction.
"How do I look?" I ask.
"A bit scared", he says.
I light a cigarette, while I keep on stroking. Faster, even if my hand is starting to feel tired. He takes the mirror and lets me see myself. I see in the mirror what is under the skirt, my pantyhosed feet and the fake penis, my hand moving up and down. Then, as he moves the mirror up, I see my waist, my breasts and my face. All my body is participating in this up-down movement. It is some sort of endless twitching. My bracelets make noise. And as I smoke, I see the smoke getting out of my mouth in small bursts. It is more exhausting then I thought, but the pleasure is behind everything I imagined.
He puts the mirror back to its place and sits near me. With one hand, he tries to help me. I take his hand and put it on his organ. He understands and strokes himself. It takes a few more minutes, then I finish the cigarette. I try to stroke him and me in the same time. He does the same, with his hands: one on me and one on himself.
Then, he says:
"Stop, I am almost ready".
He takes an empty pack of cigarettes and fills it with his fluid. Then, he comes to me, starting to massage my breasts. He penetrates me with a finger. That is enough. It takes only a few seconds and I have an orgasm that almost makes me scream. A few more minutes and we both lie on bed, exhausted.
"Are you ok?" he asks.
"Yes", I answer. "It was amazing".
The rest of the evening, I keep the strap-on in position. I love to see the bulge under my skirt. I continue to touch it and play with it. In bed, I change with the small penis, still keeping it on.
**********
In the morning, we wake-up. I feel like it was all a dream. "This cannot be real", I say to myself. But the evidence is here. I feel the small penis in front of my feet. As we go to work, I think about wearing it all day. Should I? But what if someone finds out? What should I do in that case? It will be a disaster. If anyone will find out, we both are doomed. So, I decide to let it in the house.
We both go to work, like in every day. But, as I return home, I find Aslan arrived before me. He looks scared. Something happened. Did someone see through the window what was happening? We are very careful not to. After we kiss, he says:
"Syracuse wants to see us. We are invited on the road to hill top, at the former aqueduct, at 18.47".
"What?" I say, surprised. "Why?"
"I don't know. I just got this note", he says, showing me a sheet of paper.
"Who gave it to you?"
"A child, I don't know him".
"What now?" I ask, scared, even more scared then he is.
This is how information circles around, on notes of paper like this one. Well, I have nothing against to be in a small business involving the mafia, but not with Syracuse. What a fuck? What is going on? Why should a prince call us? Who are us? Nobody.
"Have you done anything?" I ask, scared.
"No, Abida. I never did anything. You know me well".
"Then, what a fuck is going on?"
"I have no idea".
"I am scared to death".
"Come on", he says. "What reason would he have to kill us? Did we do anything?"
"It could be about that gay we helped emigrate".
"That man is for sure at a safe distance. We can tell the whole truth".
"On the fuck with him! Now, we are going to die".
"A prince never kills without a reason", he says. "They need support from the people. Killing innocents is something they never did".
That's right. Mafia leaders try to be friendly with the people. I've seen them giving milk and cookies to children.
"I think we should go", says Aslan. "We have 7 km to walk and need to be in time".
**********
The road was once asphalted. Now, it is mostly a dirt road, with holes and tranches deep enough to make major problems to any vehicle. It climbs over a hill. On the other side, there was once a factory. Now, there is nothing left. Thieves took even the last piece of scrap. They broke concrete to take what metal they could find, to sell it.
We get to the top of the hill. Here, the road passes over an old aqueduct. It used to bring water from upstream, to a power plant and then downstream for irrigations. Now, it lies abandoned, filled with vegetation. Even The road bridge is cracked, with holes enough to fit your foot in. Not good for a car. We are in forest. The town is no longer visible behind us. Nothing can be heard, just the sound of birds and some wind.
It is 18.24 and we wait. This waiting is really painful. I smoke one cigarette after another, thinking about what can happen. Syracuse himself is coming here! But why? Why for us? What have we done? I don't get the point.
My nerves are stretched to the limit. Aslan is more patient.
TO BE CONTINUED
No secret remains unraveled forever... even if your life is at risk.
I feel like waiting the end of my life. Maybe it's the gods who are punishing me for a great sin. And I did a terrible sin. First, I found my husband, Aslan, secretly wearing my clothes, my make-up and smoking my cigarettes. I accepted him and he dresses like a woman whenever we are at home. Then, I wanted to become half-man, more exactly a shemale. Aslan both me a strap-on and I worn it in the house. We both crossed gender barriers. Now, we wait to be punished for our sin.
A child came to our home with a message from Syracuse, a mafia leader, requesting us to come to a secluded place in the forest. This scared me to death. What does he want? We are two nobodies. What reason would he have to do such a thing? And what will happen to us?
No doubt, this is the punishment for the sin we committed. I should change my life and implore any god for mercy. Well, I don't feel like this. The punishment will come and I am here, waiting to receive it. We made together this sin and we will pay together, even if it's death.
But who is Syracuse?
It all started when the economy collapsed. Our small state became independent, ruled by a bunch of highly corrupted politicians. In the first 3 years, they tried everything to get money. They increased taxes and started to control everything. State employees were looking everywhere for fees. Guilty or innocent, it didn't matter. Everyone had to pay fees and bribery was on the daily list. They stopped cars and trains and held everyone guilty. The state tried to borrow money, tried to sell industry, tried anything to gain more money, but everything was spent on ever increasing salaries for state employees. Roads became too unrepaired to be used, railways started to collapse, electricity was no longer available all day long... Because of ever increasing taxes and ever increasing controls, everything started to fall apart. Farmers had to pay a fee higher then the value of their lands and animals. In the end, it became impossible to gain money from any source. State employees started to make strikes, to protest. Schools were closed, institutions were closed and politicians were fighting one against the other in any possible way, for what little remains to destroy.
When no other solution was possible, the state started printing money. Hyperinflation. All state employees had salaries as high as they wanted, but in two weeks, they could hardly buy a pack of cigarettes with all that money. And this was the moment when total chaos was about to start. Why? Mutiny. State employees turned one against the other. It almost turned into an armed conflict. however, none of them had support from the population. No. We just wanted to be left alone. We wanted peace.
That was the point when mafia came in. They existed before, but were almost ruined by state abuses and hyperinflation. Well, the word 'mafia' is a bit forced. In fact, it is different. They are businessmen, working at the border between legal and illegal, more or less. Some are born here, some came here, when our state was formed, during the repatriation programs. They offered people a place to work, they helped those in need, so they gain support from the people, while everyone was hating the state employees. In the midst of chaos, hyperinflation came to an abrupt halt, when the state ran out of ink to print more money. With that, state power collapsed. But the mafia wanted our state to exist, they wanted some sort of peace. So, they came to the president, offered him life-long support, in exchange for some reforms. This includes no taxes for them, no inspections, no control and fixing the inflation at 50%. People were very happy with this.
So, who are these 'mafia' leaders? Everyone knows them, but nobody speaks about them in public. There are 12 people, with the 12th being considered the vice-president. Ragusa is the wood lord, he cuts the forests and sells wood outside. Stromboli is the tobacco lord, he produces counterfeited cigarettes and sells them to other guys who ship them to the Civilized World. Gavi is another one, who produces counterfeited alcohol and sells it to the lands Beyond The Ice. Palermo works with coal, which is mined in the mountains. Catania rebuilt the electricity system and is selling electricity to the people. Antioco provides internet connections. And there are others. One can see that this is not about drugs, sex or weapons. Still, these things exist and pass through our land, but the 12 don't want this to happen. They do their best to keep such things out of our lands.
So, who is Syracuse?
He operates the basics of our transportation, the railway system. He managed to open railways that collapsed, even if trains travel very slow, sometimes below 20 km/h. People travel almost for free, but all the other lords have to pay him something for their goods to pass. There are many places without a road access, but with a railway. We have no functional airport and roads are good only for horse carriages and off-road vehicles.
What would, such an important person, want to do with us?
Time passes. Suddenly, we hear the sound of an SUV. Only a lord can have the money for such a vehicle. I take Aslan's hand and squeeze it.
"Don't be afraid", he says. "We did nothing, he has no reason to kill us".
A few moments later, we can see the car approaching. It stops right in front of us. Yes, it's Syracuse in person. It is the first time when I see him: a man a bit fat, tall, in a black costume, with new, clean shoes and with a smell of expensive perfume. We watch him as he steps out of the car. Looking closer, I see he wears a pistol.
As it is polite, we kneel and kiss his hands.
"Rise!" he says. "Both of you!"
We stand-up and wait, to see what will happen.
"I think there is something you can do for me", he says.
I see no expression on his face. He is cold like steel. We say nothing, just wait.
"You", he says to Aslan. "You are something between a man and a woman!"
Oh mine! He found out somehow and now he is going to make us do his dirty work... because, if anyone finds out that Aslan is a secret cross-dresser, he might be killed.
"And you", he says looking at me, "you are dreaming to be half man".
I feel my face turning pale white. Is this a death sentence? It is clear that he knows and we are at his mercy.
"Here is the deal", he says. "I need an informatory".
"Sir", says Aslan. "I don't think we are up to this job".
"Quiet", I whisper to Aslan, thinking that we could get killed for the secret he knows.
"This is a small place", says Syracuse. "I cannot send people that are well-known or those who cannot be trusted. Nobody would expect a cross-dresser. And I know that I can trust you".
He insists on the last words, taking his pistol and playing with it.
"We accept", says Aslan. "How can we serve you?"
Syracuse looks at him, thinking for a while. Then, he looks at me and says:
"You will need to train him to look and behave like a woman in all aspects. Then, I will use him as an informatory. You will also work for me. And I guarantee you both higher salaries and protection".
He insists on 'protection', putting his pistol back in his pocket.
"The main problem is with your voice" he says, pointing at Aslan. "You have to change your voice. I will pay as much as needed".
I have no idea how voice can be changed. We will have to look at the internet. There must be a way. And if it is, we have to do it.
"We'll do all what we can", I answer.
He takes money and throws it on the ground in face of us. It's the equivalent of 100 $ in our currency.
"Make him a woman with this money", he says to me. "We will meet in tomorrow at the same hour, the same spot".
Saying this, he steps back in the SUV and returns to the town. We look shocked.
"Well, it looks like we have no other option", I say. "I will have to make you a woman if we want to live".
"Fuck!" mumbles Aslan. "This is too far. Somehow, someone seen us".
As far as I know, we were very careful to hide it all. How could Syracuse find out such a thing? There is only one possibility. Dmitry! The former KGB agent that hides at the mill, dressed in a Muslim widow. He is the only one who knows all this. When I found Aslan was a secret cross-dresser, I asked for his help. Then, he was the one who found the strap-on for me. I speculate he is the one who sold Syracuse the information about our cross-dressing.
"Well, we are still alive", I say.
Aslan takes the money and stops, thinking. Then, he says:
"He gave us a salary. This is a good advance for a job".
**********
The next day, we go to work, like usual. Well, we have a big surprise. I find out that I was fired... and when I return home, Aslan also comes, saying that he was fired too. No explanation, we were just fired. Well, it is clear that we have now no choices. Syracuse changed our lives by force. Well, I worked for the internet provider and Aslan worked for the electricity provider. Both companies are owned by some of the 12 lords. What to expect? Syracuse told them he needs us... or who knows what.
Well, it is now time to continue the transformation for Aslan. After all, he is the key person in this. Only that, now we are no longer doing this for pleasure. We are doing this because we have to, because it is our lives that are in risk.
Aslan goes home, where he will try to find a solution on the internet for his voice. I go to the bazaar, for other reasons. Syracuse wants to see us today evening. Most of sure he wants to be convinced that Aslan can be a trans woman. I buy a few items for this purpose.
When I come back home, I find Aslan working on this. He found a guide on the internet: how to feminize your voice in 30 days. Basically, you can slowly alter your voice, train yourself to speak like a woman. Until then, I thought surgery or some medicine will be needed. I feel so relaxed that he will not go to any surgery! After all, where can you find medical services in here? Nowhere.
For me, this is the most important part. Everything else can be tricked. I mean, with the use of clothes, make-up and proper gestures, he can pass as a woman. Not many will find out. The voice remains his main problem.
Then, I start working with things I never dared before. I decide to paint his hair. He has a short hair, like most men would like to wear. It is a dark-brown color. How about changing it into a dark red? For the first time in his life, he will have his hair painted.
"This is the point of no return", he says, as I start applying the paint.
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"From this moment on, I no longer can appear as a man".
He speaks with a voice that is already a bit changed. He is working already on the transformation.
"Anyone who will see me like this, knowing I am a man, will kill me".
I think about the risks. Oh no! Now, we will have to hide our identities. One mistake and we are doomed. We are passing through a door and on the door there is a mark saying: 'one entry fuck no exit'. This is one way entry to hell and there is fucking no exit.
How I wish I didn't allow him to go that far! How I wish I didn't allow him to buy that strap-on! Now, look at him, look at what he is becoming! Look at what is happening to our lives!
I finish painting his hair, then I make a bit lighter color and paint myself. If he does something, I should be suffering together with him. He helps me do this. But, it almost makes me cry to see him with a hair like this. If anyone who knows him will find out...
Then, I carefully paint his nails in red. That should work well, both for his fingers and his toes. I do the same for me, with a lighter color. We wait for our hairs and nails to dry, while we smoke a cigarette. We say nothing. I can see that he is in a great tension, probably as big as me.
We hardly eat something. It is too much tension on us. We try to turn on the TV or to go to the computer, but it's no good. Aslan goes to the computer and tries again to feminize his voice. The exercises are not easy and need patience.
Later, we get dressed. I take on a white dress and white sandals, while he takes on a pink dress with black sandals and a bra. Thinking if we should wear pantyhose, I don't know. Not many women wear them in summer, so we should not. On the other hand, they are a strong fetish for Aslan, they may give him more confidence. So, I decide it's better to take some very transparent ones. Then, I make the final adjustments on both of us: make-up, lipstick, earrings, bracelets and sunglasses. We now clearly look like two women.
"Now comes the big part", says Aslan. "How do we get from home to the forest? People will be looking at us. They might recognize me!"
Oh no! He is right. Is it possible for him to travel all that distance unnoticed? Should I undress him and dress him like a man until we reach the forest side? But what about his hair? Oh no, I see no way! A hat? But it's summer, everyone will look suspicious. How to wear a winter hat in summer?
I see no solution. If I hide his hair, what about the nails? How would they react to see a man with painted nails?
"How do we get to the forest?" I ask, almost hitting the walls with my fists.
"We walk", answers Aslan.
"How?" I ask, with tears in my eyes.
"Abida, honestly, I see no way out. Syracuse guaranteed our safety. We go like this to the meeting point".
"You mean..."
He vanishes in the bedroom and returns with something.
"You also take this", he says.
The strap-on. What is in his mind?
"Maybe he wants also to transform you into a man", he says. "Put on the small one and keep in your purse the big one".
"What a fuck?"
"Abida, do as I say", he says. "I never forced you anything since we are married, but now, I do. That man is out there and wants us to obey his orders".
I listen. What choice do we have, after all? I rise-up my dress and fix the belt. Then, I add the little rubber penis in its place. I watch myself carefully, to see if it is visible. No, it is not. Oh mine! Now, I feel like a snowball falling in hell or like a rabbit encircled by a thousand wolves. I put the big rubber penis in my purse. Then, I realize something. Aslan has no purse! I run and search for one. Oh, here is one that might fit him. He takes it and puts it on his shoulder.
"Not like that", I say. "Gently, like a lady".
Time is ticking. We need to go, to arrive in time. He looks at me, then says:
"We need to go".
"I know, but..."
"No but. We open the door and go straight to the destination. Don't look around, don't talk to anyone. We just go".
"Ok... I am not ready".
"Abida, we have to. Maybe Syracuse comes before us".
I don't want this! No! What if people will kill us?
"Abida, when I count to 3, we go. Ready?"
"No", I answer, almost crying.
"One", he says, squeezing the door handle in his hand.
I can see his red nails twisted around the handle. I look down, at his toes. The sheer pantyhose are merely invisible if you look from distance.
"Two", he says, with a voice of a scared person.
I twist my hands, nervous, until I hit my belly. A bit below, I feel the strap-on. Oh mine! What will happen next? Will it be visible? Will people realize what is going on with us?
"Three", he says, opening the door.
Outside, there is almost nobody. Two small children are playing on the street, not paying any attention to us. Aslan exits first, then me. He closes the door.
"Let's go!" he says.
We start walking. I feel such a tension, as I never felt. We see the first person passing by, it's a man, a neighbor.
"Hi, Abida!" he says.
"Hi", I say, not looking into his eyes.
He did not recognize Aslan! That's good. Maybe we can find a way. We keep on going. Two women come, carrying vegetables in a basket. I don't know them. They pass, not looking at us. That's good. Next, comes a man on a motorbike.
"How are you, ladies?" he asks.
I just ignore him. We are not for sale. He passes away.
Then, I advice Aslan to go on another road, not through the center. There, someone might know us. We travel without incidents. At some point, a kid asks us for a cigarette. We just ignore and continue walking. We get out of the town and enter the forest. From here, not many people will be around.
In the end, we arrive at the former aqueduct. We stop here, on the bridge, then light a cigarette. This was a challenge!
"We made it!" says Aslan.
"We will have to make this trip back", I say.
"Later. Now, let's wait for the boss".
There is so much tension inside me. I feel like going to explode. Why all this? Why is this happening to us? Aslan is starting to be more nervous then I am. I notice how he puffs the cigarette, more angry then I do. Then, he throws the filter on the road. I can see a trace of lipstick on the filter. Does he look close enough to a woman? Will it all be ok as things are now? I closely analyze his make-up, the powder I applied on his face, the make-up around his eyes, his lashes, everything. His hair is still too short. Women like to keep a longer hair, but it was not time enough. A bra under his dress gives a fake impression that he has breasts, but... if someone pushes on it, will find out the truth. Well, there are also women with small breasts. However, his body is large, robust, like that of a man. He could pass as a fat or robust woman. I've never seen a fat woman without large breasts. So, we need to do something about.
I look at his dress. It looks feminine enough, no doubt. His hands, now with painted nails and with bracelets, look like those of a woman. close enough! His feet, covered with sheer pantyhose, clearly look like those of a woman. He wears flat, plastic sandals, as all women wear in summer. But still, there is a difference. It is clear that he still does not know how to walk like a woman. First of all, I notice a run-off in his pantyhose. He must be careful, they are very fragile, especially summer ones. Walking with open-toe sandals, it is even more difficult, mainly on these roads.
He tries to sit down, on the bridge. I immediately notice something that no woman should do. He sits, with his knees at some distance.
"No, not like this", I say. "If I sit in front of you, I can see all under your skirt. You have to keep your knees close one to the other or to sit with one foot over the other".
"Like this?" he says, trying to adjust position.
"Like that... no! You will ruin your pantyhose if you do that! Only the dress can touch any surface, not your feet. Let me see..."
Yes, he made another hole in his pantyhose.
"Sorry", he says.
"I think it should be better not to use pantyhose at first, you will ruin many pairs until you learn".
"Ok", he answers.
"And try to feminize your voice!"
"Ah, sorry", he says, with a changed voice.
"That's better", I answer.
He looks at his clothes, lighting another cigarette.
"I need to create fake breasts somehow".
"Yes, we did not think about that", I say.
I did not think about this aspect. I know that there are fake breasts that can be glued on skin. With some make-up, they will look close to real. But where to find them? Again, we will have to go to Dmitry. How complicated things are becoming!
Finally, we hear the sound of a car. It is clear, Syracuse is coming. It is now or never. Will this work? Will he be pleased? Or will he kill us? The car approaches and we see it. It's the same SUV. Syracuse comes out of the car and looks at us. He carefully examines Aslan, but also looks at me.
"What is your name?" he points at Aslan.
"Aslan", he answers, short.
"I told you to prepare yourself", he answers, with the same unchanged, steel face. "How about Kira?"
We don't answer anything. He found us on a bad move from the beginning.
"Who are you, Kira?" he asks. "Tell me your life story!"
Again, we don't answer anything.
"You need to build your own personality as a woman", he says, still pointing at Aslan. "People will ask you who you are and where are you from. They will try to seek relatives of you. Would you think about something?"
"Yes", says Aslan. "Yes, I will, sir!" he repeats, with a more feminine voice.
"Until you will change your voice, I cannot send you on the trains", says Syracuse, short. "Or, maybe, you can pretend you are a mute".
Then, he points at me, looking to my crotch.
"You have your strap-on?"
"Yes", I say.
"Is it that small?"
"Yes, but I also have a larger version".
"When you will come to work, I want you to wear this one under your dress", he says, short.
I immediately notice what this is about. At any moment, if I don't do what he wants, he will tell the people what I wear. He completely has us tied. Willing or not, we have to do what he says.
"We will follow your orders", I answer.
He comes to Aslan and carefully inspects him. His hair, his make-up, everything. He pushes in his breasts and finds out that there is just a bra beneath them. He continues to look at his dress, at his feet and his sandals.
"Impressive work, but you have more to do", says Syracuse. "First of all, you need a longer hair, but still it can pass as feminine. Secondly, you need to change your voice. Do you smoke?"
"Yes", answers Aslan.
"Great. Then, people can say your voice changed a bit because you are a chain smoker. But very important, you need breasts. And build an imaginary life".
Then, he looks at me, carefully, examining my body. He then, suddenly pushes on my crotch, finding out where the strap-on is.
"Show me!" he says.
Is he trying to have sex with me?
"Show me!" he insists.
I accept and rise my dress, until he can see. I notice that Aslan becomes angry.
"Don't worry, I am not into what you think!" says Syracuse to Aslan. "I am figuring out if someone will find out or not about this".
I open the purse and show him the big one.
"No, don't wear that one in public. It is too large and people will find out".
He moves one meter away from me, looking at both of us.
"And who you two are?" he asks. "You need to come with a theory that would be plausible. Are you friends from school? Coworkers? Are you cousins? You cannot say that you are married. You have to invent something. Are you divorced? Did your husbands died? I am not telling you a scenario, only you must come with one. Don't come with the theory that you are lesbians and you are in love. You know what will happen".
He then pushes Aslan's breasts with a finger and says:
"Fake breasts will be ordered and will come soon. Tomorrow, your training will begin. I will handle you to the only person I trust: my wife. Come at the railway station, open the green door, then wait there. Be sure you arrive at 8 AM. Take these two cards, you cannot enter without them".
He gives us two cards, with the sign of the railway company. Then, he gets in his car and departs.
We remain for a few minutes here, without moving.
"I am Kira, your cousin from Land Of Towers", says Aslan.
"On the fuck with this all!" I answer. "Do you know the language spoken there?"
"That sucks!" says Aslan. "But I do know the language spoken in the Land Over The Mountains. My grandma was from there".
"And how did you come here?"
"You found me a job. You know that land is poor".
"Poorer then ours?"
"No, but... It's the best lie I can play with".
"So be it, Aslan. You are my cousin".
"Kira, not Aslan", he corrects me. "If we are cousins, this can explain why we live in the same house".
"Kira..." I repeat with half voice, only for myself.
"Yes, Kira will be my name".
"And we will say that Aslan went to the Civilized World to work".
"And I came here because you found me a job, because you are alone".
"Just one thing... Kira", I add. "You are married, but something happened to your husband".
"He went to work too, in the civilized World", says Aslan. "This sounds plausible. And I came because I was alone".
"That is plausible... Kira", I say. "Now, let's get back home".
We return to the town. This time, we take the direct road, close to the center. People will start to get used to Kira.
"Until you feminize your voice enough", I say, "don't speak too much. Pretend you don't know the language well".
We return home. On the way, a neighbor sees me and says:
"Hi, Abida! How are you?"
"I am fine".
"Where is Aslan?"
"He went to the Civilized World, to work. He has a contract".
"And who is she?"
"She is Kira, my cousin".
"Hi, Kira!"
Aslan says no word, just salutes with his hand.
"She doesn't know the language well", I say.
"Where is she from?"
"Land Over The Mountains".
This was all. We travel to home without any incident. Who knows what tomorrow will bring us? Tensions are immense for both of us. But, nevertheless, we did it. Aslan traveled through the town dressed like a woman... and nobody found out. I mean Kira, he will no longer be Aslan... and he will be a she. And I walked through the town with my strap-on and nobody had any idea what was under my dress.
TO BE CONTINUED
How do you feel when your husband is no longer a man?
I had a great marriage, with a husband better then I even dreamed it will be possible. It all looked like a perfect life. Then, I found him wearing my clothes. A accepted and allowed him to cross-dress in the house. Then, he found my guilty secret, that I wanted to be a shemale... and he brought me a strap-on. Even so, it still was passion, it was a nice and interesting experience. All, until Syracuse, one of the 12 mafia leaders, found out. He forced Aslan to become more feminine, even to wear a woman's name, Kira. He forced me to wear my strap-on 24/7, then forced us to work for him. Until now, it was pleasure, but now, it no longer is. We know very well where this is heading. People here have a great repulsion for homosexual relations... and being a cross-dresser is associated with this. If anyone will find out, we risk to be killed. Now, Syracuse can do whatever he wants with us.
since I found Aslan practicing cross-dressing, I started to document myself about this subject. I heard that many men in his situation like to be submissive, like to be forced, humiliated. But not this! It is clear that he doesn't like things up to this level. And neither do I. I guess fellow cross-dresses from America will say "I envy you" for this situation... but not us.
As we go to bed, I just cannot sleep. Seeing him with painted nails, with painted hair, with his exercises to feminize voice, almost makes me cry. He tries to hug me, like in every night. I accept, but not with pleasure. I take his hand in my hand. I am thinking further. How can I have sex with him when he will become even more woman? Then, I keep thinking about the danger that lurks in the air. When people will find out... if they will... What will happen? I think about the worse possible scenario: that they will kill us. But will they? I close my eyes and think. They will start beating us, laughing at us, throwing with garbage at us. We will have to leave, to save our lives. But where? We don't have the money to go to the Civilized World. And even if we will, I've been there once. Those people are so strange to us. They are all like robots.
"What a fuck!" I whisper, slowly opening my eyes.
Aslan is sleeping, holding me in his arms, like in every night. Outside, it is quiet. I close my eyes again, feeling the small strap-on between my feet. It has a small rubber penis, similar to that of a man when it's small. This thing made me very happy when Aslan gave it to me. I was so excited at that time. I thought about secretly wearing it under my skirt on the street. But now, I will have to wear it by force, so that Syracuse can expose me when I don't do what he wants.
I feel to sleep. I have an unusual dream. It is like we are somewhere in the future, in some sort of large cavern. It is huge, a few km large. Above, it is a fake sky. There are many people down here. Aslan is with me. We all look similar, with knee-long trousers and a blouse, with pantyhose and sandals. We are all smoking. Aslan looks like a girl, with long hair and has my height. Then I notice everyone is the same. We all look like women, but we all have penises. A shemale community. Then, we all start to stroke together. A public masturbation session.
Aslan wakes me up. It is now time to start a new day. He comes from the kitchen with a sandwich, a few cookies and two glasses of tea. For a few seconds, I have in my mind everything: the dream, my thoughts about what wrong might happen and thoughts about Syracuse and our new jobs. It hurts me a bit to see him dressed like a woman and looking quite like a woman. The point of no return was the moment I painted his hair.
I eat in a hurry, then dress myself. We both enjoy the quiet time of smoking a cigarette. I keep thinking about the scenario they want us to make. Aslan is now Kira and is my cousin, not my wife. I will tell people that Kira does not know well our language and that's why she is so quiet... and that Aslan left to the Civilized World, for work. It is all a lie... but I feel like a part of Aslan really left. Where is the man I married? Am I going to live with a... woman?
We both leave the house. This time, I advised Aslan not to wear pantyhose, because women in summer usually don't wear and because he is not prepared yet and will destroy them. I am also not wearing them. I can see some sadness on his face for this. Well, it will only be for a few days, not much longer. Then, we will start wearing pantyhose again, when he will feel more confident to himself. Now, it's only the second time he dresses as a woman in public and the second time I wear a strap-on under my skirt in public.
We open the door and walk to the railway station. It is morning. People are going to their daily activities and don't pay attention to us. I am thinking about anything that can pass wrong, anything that might make people suspect Aslan, I mean Kira, is not a woman. It comes from little gestures, that shows who you are. It is not enough to look like a woman, you must act like one. And the main problem is his voice, which still resembles that of a man, even if it is a bit feminized.
We reach the railway station. Things are like always here. People, boxes, cargo, lots of garbage and the old, rusted trains. We will enter the third door, the green one. On the door, it is written: "Railway employees only". We stop for a few seconds, then open.
Inside, there is a large room, with a few people. Someone comes and says:
"Your cards!"
I remember the two cards Syracuse gave us. I show them.
"Number 117 and 118", the guardian says. "I was told you will come. Take a seat and wait!"
There are benches along the walls. Some people sit down, others stand, others just pass by. We sit down. Aslan carefully sits with one foot over the other, as I told him. I look around. Some people are smoking, so I light a cigarette too. There is no smoking ban in this area of the world. People smoke wherever and whenever they want. I am thinking about everything that may go wrong. Even with all make-up, with women clothes and everything we done, Aslan still has something that may betray him. There is something in the bone structure of the face, in the mandibular bone, that is specific to a man. Also, women usually have a smaller torso then men. It is also a small difference in how a woman's crotch looks like. Will they find out?
Time passes and nobody looks at us. Then, a fat woman comes and asks something the guardian. She looks different, with expensive clothes on. I bet she is Syracuse's wife. She then comes to us.
"Who are you?" she asks.
"I am Abida and she is Kira, my cousin from Over The Mountains", I say, trying to look as natural as possible.
She smiles, knowing that Kira is in fact Aslan.
"Follow me", she says.
We pass from this room, through a hall with many doors. I hear beeps. All railway stations communicate by radio, using the Morse code. This must be it. Then, we enter a door to a small room, with a desk and some papers on. The woman sits down and lights a cigarette.
"This is my desk", she says. "I understand that you are new with this job. Don't worry, you will get used to it".
I feel a bit relaxed. She doesn't seem t be aggressive.
"This is what you will have to do. Sometimes, one will be at the office and the other one on terrain, sometimes both will be here and sometimes both will be on terrain. You will change places between you. First of all, you must know that you are not alone. There are others doing the same job. Our company's law is 'your left hand must not know what your right hand is doing'. So, it is strictly forbidden to give anyone any information of who you are and what you are doing. You might pass close to others and they will not know you as you will not know them. Understood?"
"Yes", I say.
"Understood, Kira?"
"Yes".
"You know the dictator-executor-informator principle?" she asks, looking straight in our eyes. "I see you know something, but not all. This is how all works, here and in any other company. The dictator takes orders and commands each aspect of what must be done. The executor is actually the person which does a job, no matter what that job is. Finally, the informatory is that person which reports back that the job was done... or not. However, you cannot trust anyone. A dictator might use its power for his own advantage, to force executors do his own work. An executor can lie, not do what must be done or hide a part of the profit. An informatory can also lie, take bribery from a dictator or executor. So, it is very important to keep an eye on everyone. The system works because nobody knows who is who, but I do have information about things that shouldn't be like that".
I know the system. It is dictators who give orders, who supervise everything. They decide all aspects, but often they abuse of their powers. Informators are always hidden and report back. Workers are executors.
"You know well how things are. The trains must flow. The grass must flow. The wood must flow. The coal must flow. People must flow. Everything must flow and the railway is the only thing that moves staff and people in this country. But operating it, is costly and there are many points where people can steal. Your job will be to keep an eye on what is happening. Your job is complex. You will gather information on the terrain, then analyze data on a computer. don't play the wrong way, I have other people doing the same job as you do. And I know I can trust you. You know well why".
Yes, we know.
"I know you are not a woman", she says, pointing at Aslan. "And I know what you have under your skirt", she says, pointing at me.
She rises from her chair and comes to us. She takes something from her desk. At first, I don't know what it is, then I realize. They are two fake breasts, with a tube of glue. She handles them to Aslan, saying:
"Put them on, now!"
Then, as Aslan executes her order, I help him. They are large, larger then mine. They hardly fit in his bra. Then, she pushes me below my belly, until she can feel the small strap-on. She sits back and looks at us. I feel like a knife is touching my neck. Forced feminization.
Then, she asks us to come close to her. She puts a laptop on her desk. All I can see is endless numbers, in an excel format page.
"Now, your training begins", she says. "look! Here are measurements of how many people are on each train. The next table shows how many boxes and other cargo are passing. And here, you can see consumption of diesel fuel for each train and maintenance costs for each railway. I have another table with delays, for each rail sector. All this information must be gathered. The program itself detects fluctuations and anomalies. You can see data for each day of the week, for example. It is normal that there will be less people on Friday if the area is populated by Muslims or on Sunday if the area is populated by Christians. However, if data shows unusual changes, there must be something. There are a few tests which shows us if a change in data is correlated with something or if it happened just at random. If you see the same fluctuation occurred only once and only on one railway, it should not be a problem. But if you see this on many railways in the same time or... what is worse... associated with a single employee, then it is a problem".
She stops for a few seconds, to make sure that we understood.
"Now", she continues. "This table shows reports from each one. Each controller and each engineer has to complete a quiz. They don't have names, just numbers. You will never use and see names. They are all numbers. Each train, each rail line, each station, each person, they all have numbers, including you two. Your and others' surveys will reveal the real amount of people and cargo passing by, as well as the nature of all this. By comparing data with those surveys and what controllers and engineers declare, we can see differences. As long as differences are below a critical level, everything is ok. When they are higher, come to my office and tell me. You will also have to check on delays for each rail sector. Many times, people lie about the railways, saying they are too damaged, but in reality, many times they demand fake repairs to steal money and materials. The same happens also with diesel fuel".
We watch all this, starting to lose the point. Then she says:
"I know our employees are stealing, but as long as it remains down to a small level, I accept this. However, this must be kept under control. If things are going the wrong way, I have to take action".
She starts explaining us how this works. She starts to learn us the way to insert data and to calculate. Oh mine! I feel my head is exploding. Only numbers. Only numbers and nothing else! The main railways are numbered between 0 and 9, with branches counting on. Each station has a code number. Each train has a code number. All is in numbers. She gives us a sheet of paper with all lines and all stations, each one with its numbers associated. another sheet shows schedules for all trains. There are four pairs of trains on each railway.
Then, she asks us to insert data from a sheet of paper into tables. We do this carefully.
"Do the first test", she says.
It is a test that compares numbers. We do this. Result is 0.85.
"This is acceptable", she says. When you are inserting imaginary values, after a while, your brain starts to repeat numbers. For example, you might get a fixation with repeating 2 after 4 or adding too much of 6 and no 5. The test is passed. If result were above 1, it could mean that numbers are not real and were wrote randomly. If you get a result above 3 once or many results above 1 for the same informatory, it means data is not real".
It is a lot of work. We do another test, comparing values from two tables. Same train, data completed by the controller.
"You see this?" she says. "Differences ranked at 1.37. That controller knew that an informatory was in the train and worked correctly. Data match with what the informatory told us, with a value of 0.71, so it is ok. But then, when the controller was alone, we have a difference of 1.37. So, there is something strange. Someone is stealing something".
Again, we compare some data. The difference this time is 0.21.
"Too small differences between what the controller reports and what the informatory reports. They are probably working together, stealing together".
"But what if the algorithm used is wrong?" asks Aslan. "I mean, it might be a coincidence".
"I know what you are thinking", she says. "Many new informators are afraid of a possible fake positive result. We are talking here about probability, not about 100% sure things. You will also bring false positive results. The problem arises when they are too many, above a certain limit".
"I see..." I answer.
"Also, problems arise when two different people get different results with the same calculations", she says. "This happens from time to time, as human errors are common. However, if it is too often, it means that there is something wrong. Don't try to lie when you are making your own calculations, even if the data is gathered by yourself. Someone else will also work with the same data".
Finally, after hours of exhausting explanations, we are free. She gives us a laptop to work on and more instructions. Starting from now, we will work at home. We will come here daily, to take data to analyze on a stick and to drop results on another stick. We will take and drop them in a box at the entrance.
Secrecy is the rule here. Nobody must know what we are doing and we must not know anyone. The computer will self-generate our jobs and our schedules: on what train we will go, what we will do, anything.
"Only one thing", she says. "For the beginning, you will go together. At least until you are completely behaving like a woman. And if anything bad happens, in the worst case, show your cards. They guarantee your protection".
**********
We leave, exhausted and with our heads filled with numbers. Who could invent such a complicated system to keep things under control? I know how informators work and that in many cases they rely on math to calculate probabilities, but this is too much. We are too exhausted even to think about how to act in public on the way home. We just walk through the town, trying to clean our heads. This is such a madness!
We go back home, walking directly through the center, through the bazaar. It all happens in such a natural way, like this is how it should be done. Surprising! Maybe, this is the way! Nobody looks surprised at us.
Back home, we enter and fall down on the first coach. I turn on the TV to hear something, to recover my brain from all those numbers. It slowly works. But, the more I recover, the more I realize that Aslan is less Aslan and more Kira. Now, he has fake breasts. He looks like a strong and fat woman should look like.
Where is all this madness going to go?
TO BE CONTINUED
This story is about a star that will go supernova and a community that inhabits a nearby planet. The story follows the life of a transgender friendly community, how it is established and how it faces its doom.
At the beginning, everyone is happy and all looks like a new paradise. Then, as everyone finds out that the star will not last long, desperation follows. The economy collapses, with all events that would follow after such a scene: hyperinflation, poverty, corruption and rise of mafia factions. The paradise turns into a hell. But even in the midst of chaos, love still exists, in a form that nobody would ever expect.
Only the best bait will catch the biggest fish (ancient saying).
How could anyone settle near a star that will soon go supernova? How was it possible to convince millions of people to go there and start a new life? Had they no idea that soon nothing but ashes will remain of them?
The story started much earlier, around 2961. And everything was made possible by a single man, Caligula. For more then 400 years, the greatest achievement one could do is to terraform a planet, offer it for future generations with the status of a free state and give the planet his name. Only the richest could afford such a thing. In many cases, terraforming is done by powerful corporations and interstellar empires, who wish to extend their territories. But still, there are many ONGs and religious organizations who managed to terraform their own planets. Finding a planet is not difficult, but most of them are very difficult to terraform. Some of them are too cold and ice covered, while others are hot and lack water. The best planets are in the habitable zones, not too hot and not too cold. They are the most easy to transform, but also the most hunted.
One rich man, in the middle of the 29's was Caligula (or Alfred Maxwell, on his original name). He took his name from a Roman emperor. At that time, most merchants were busy finding gold or diamond ores, which resulted in a drop of gold price by a thousand times. Caligula knew that iron is the basic ingredient for most alloys. He managed to build a steel producing industrial complex near the richest iron ores in Vega system. He started his business with high difficulties and a huge debt, but in only five years, managed to be successful. In 15 years, he became known as King Of Iron. That is the moment when he changed his name from Alfred Maxwell into Caligula.
Little is known about him, except that he was a successful businessman who always made huge profit by selling steel and crude iron. He had no wife and no children. Some people suggested that he was gay, but nobody could ever prove this. He never spent money on parties, as other rich people do. Some people suspected that he was a transgender. It is common for men who have a feminine side to share male names ended with an a. Usually, they take names from ancient times: Catilina, Aquila, Luca and so on. Might Caligula be a hidden transgender or at least a hidden cross-dresser? The truth was found out only when he died. People found woman clothes in his room.
But now, let's return to our story. When Caligula was 57, in 2961, he was very rich. He had the money to buy one of Saturn's icy moons. He could grow his empire further, but decided to terraform a planet. Maybe he wanted to be remembered forever in history. Planets in habitable zones are always chosen by someone richer. Unclaimed planets are very far away, at over 10 000 light years from Earth. Not many people will wish to go that far. There are many nearby planets hard to terraform, some of them only 50 light years away, but transforming them into a new Earth will be too expensive, requesting far more money then Caligula's whole fortune.
However, at 700 light years, there is a star, Betelgeuse. This star hosts a planet right in the habitable zone. The major problem is that Betelgeuse is a red supergiant star. It is near the end of its lifetime and soon it will go supernova. Nobody chosen that planet because nobody wants to live near a star that will soon go boom. However, for a star, soon could mean even a million years. Caligula realized that a human civilization will only last for a few thousand years, which is incredibly small compared to the life of a star.
**********
There is one major obstacle in terraforming a planet, the ISA (Interstellar Agency). This organization is formed in early 2200, when NASA, ESA, Roscosmos, JAXA and other space agencies joined to help terraform Mars, Venus and the moons of Jupiter. Soon after humans stepped foot outside the Solar System, the ISA became the only organization to leave the Solar System. They are the largest provider of terraforming technologies and they do it almost for free. After a planet is terraformed, they build for free an orbital space station and a surface base, to facilitate passenger and cargo traffic. The ISA gains its money from these bases. Also, they provide the most stable currency, accepted anywhere: the credit, or CC. Every state and every planet has its own currency, but all interstellar trades are done in CC. The ISA helps terraforming because with each new inhabited planet and each new base, they earn more money. They never turn inside a planet's policy, just offer services needed for trade to exist, without creating a monopoly.
If you require cheap terraforming service from the ISA, you have first to complete a feasibility study. If you can prove that your planet will remain habitable and attractive for settlers 2000 years after terraforming, you get their help. If you get their help, terraforming will be five times cheaper then if you work with someone else.
So, Caligula asked some experts to make a feasibility study for his planet. Everything looked fine with the planet, but the ISA, knowing that Betelgeuse is a red supergiant, asked for an additional study for the star. This time, Caligula took one of world's leading star scientists, but bribed his employees. After all measurements were done, the experts concluded that Betelgeuse would explode in 400 000 years. With these results, Caligula went to the ISA headquarters in the Solar System and gained the agreement from ISA.
When Caligula died, in his home, some more detailed measurements were found. Not even he knew that the star will die so soon. He believed that supernova will occur in a few millennia. Well, he died in 2988, while the terraforming process was almost completed. Nobody bothered with this, since nobody will live thousands of years.
**********
Most rich people who paid for terraforming, set their names to their planets. They built huge statues for people to remember them. Some believed that this will wash their sins. The most known example is Leo Baroni, who owned the CN Leonis stellar system. He mined about 500 tonnes of gold every second, making gold prices to fall below that of copper. He made a fortune, but at the price of many slaves who perished in his labor camps. Near the end of his life, he terraformed five planets, thinking that this could wash his sins.
Caligula refused to name his planet other then Betelgeuse VII. He refused to have a statue or even a portrait on the planet. What he did, is unique in history so far. He wanted Betelgeuse VII to be an independent state and a democracy. He personally wrote the constitution of the new state. The following paragraphs are those who attracted so many settlers:
Cross-dresser and transgender people are welcome. Sexual minorities of all kinds are also welcome. Religious and ideological freedoms are guaranteed.
However, explicit or obscene actions or behavior, like public nudity and public sex, are forbidden and are strongly prohibited by law. Sexual abuse is punished.
It is accepted without discussion for a man to wear woman clothes or for a women to wear men clothes at any age and in any place. Body transformations that require implants, surgery or the use of hormones are accepted only after the age of 20 and only after a formal request made five years before. People who undergo such transformations before waiting five years will be punished.
All citizens, no matter of their external appearance, sexual orientation, religion or ideology, are considered equals.
Betelgeuse VII is a peaceful state. Disturbing the peace and harmony between citizens is also forbidden and will be punished.
Before Betelgeuse VII, there were states created for sexual minorities. IGPP (Interstellar Gay Paradise Planet) and Planeta Lesbiana are two examples, both orbiting red dwarf stars. Another planet that turned into a sex orgy paradise is Deepthroat, around Mira Ceti. But until now, nobody thought about creating a paradise for transgender people, that will not be just another hole to hell. It is the idea of a place where people will just have a normal life, living as they wish.
On Betelgeuse VII, one would see two girls walking on the road, without knowing that one is a woman and the other a man dressed as a woman. One a bench, one will see two men kissing, without knowing that one of them is actually a girl. And in another place, one would see a guy and a girl, when in fact the guy is a girl and the girl is a guy. All this, in a very natural way, like this is how it should be.
Terraforming ended in 2996. In the same year, ISA opened its orbital station and its surface base. Caligula was buried on the planet in a memorial park. Nobody expected that so many people will come, so that passengers will have to wait even an year to catch a seat. Many passenger ships were cancelled on other routes to bring more people here.
Well, this is now only a page in the history books. We are now approaching Earth year 3000. Still, nobody knows how soon the star will explode.
A large spaceship, carrying 7500 passengers, arrives at Betelgeuse VII Orbital Station. It carries settlers from the Old World: Solar System, Barnard's Star, Sirius, Epsilon Eridani, Vega, CN Leonis, Alpha Centauri and Procyon. After 60 days, their destination is very close. They enter the orbital station, pick their luggage and are token on small ships, towards the surface base.
Then, once they reach the surface, they are further processed. A medical checkout is done to each of them, then they are sent, one by one, to a psychiatric checkout. Finally, each one enters in a room. There, after completing a quiz with 100 questions, a person comes and talks with each one. This way, each newcomer will get to the best place for him or her. Finally, after all this, they receive citizenship, their money are transformed from CC (interstellar credits) into BC (Betelgeuse Credits, the local currency). All this process is exhausting and takes nearly 10 hours. Finally, they get to sleep and their bodies are set to local time. The next day, they are loaded into automated vehicles, to be sent to their new homes.
**********
An automated flying vehicle carries some new settlers to their designed places. The next passenger to depart is a young woman, Eva. The ship lands and a robotic voice advices her to depart. She takes her luggage, her new identity card and the key to her new home. The door opens and she steps out. For the first time, she can see the planet.
As she steps outside, first thing she notices is the fresh air. No pollution. The air is strong, clean, ionized, like something she never breathed before. Immediately, the door closes behind and the vehicle moves further away, to take other settlers to their homes. She doesn't bother to watch the ship going away. She can feel the soft ground, covered with fresh grass, through her boots. It is not hot and not cold. A small wind moves the grass around. She can see little metal poles marking the border of her parcel. In the center, there is a small metal house. That's it! This is her new home.
Beyond the poles, she can see other parcels, some surrounded by fences, trees, buildings and other homes. Many trees have flowers or fruits. Such a lovely place! Birds are singing all around. She can also hear dogs barking and some other animals. "Is this a rural place? I thought I am going to a little town". Further away, she can see hills, covered with forest or pastures. And in one direction, there is a lake, surrounded by hills.
All looks redder then in the Solar System. All nature looks like in the morning or in the evening. But it is not the case. It's noon! Above her head, she can see the sun, Betelgeuse. It is bright red and hot. Eva has seen many suns: The Sun, Sirius, Barnard, UV Ceti, but none of them looks like this. Betelgeuse is not quite spherical. It has brighter and darker spots. Surrounding it, there is some sort of haze, dark-red, like a nebula. On the sky, there are faint lines that change color. Auroras. The clouds appear to be pink, while the sky has a color between dark blue and violet.
Amazed of the landscape, she sits on the grass. She needs to light a cigarette. Her lungs desperately need it. For over a day, she could not see anything beyond the metal walls of the orbital station, of the ships and of the many rooms she went into. She could only see repeating documentaries that were running non-stop in the waiting rooms. She knows that if in 10 days she is unsatisfied, she can return for free. But now, only after seeing the planet with her own eyes and smelling its fresh air, she doesn't want to leave at all.
She goes inside the house. It is a small building, with only one room, with a bed, a closet, a table and a few things. Not much.
"Eva, you have to work and find your way in here", she says to herself.
She moves out of the house, to see more. Now, she can see that in front of the house there is a concrete road. So, she goes there, to see further away, how this town looks like.
"Hi, neighbor!" says someone, with the voice of a man.
"Hi", she answers. "Who are you?"
"My name is Davida", the voice answers.
She can see on the road something that looks like a woman, with a short skirt, with long hair, pantyhose and women shoes.
"Are we neighbors?" asks Eva.
"Yes, I live two homes to left from you".
"Davida?" asks she surprised. "Are you a man or a woman?"
"Well, I am a man. I used to be David before coming here, but now I am Davida".
Eva looks amazed at her new neighbor. She comes closer to him.
"And who are you?" he asks.
"My name is Eva", she says. "I am a real woman".
"Feel welcome, Eva. If you need any help, I will be happy to".
"I just arrived here. A few minutes ago".
"Don't worry", says Davida. "I came two years ago. At first, this place can be disorienting, but you will learn your way around. Don't worry, everyone is friendly here".
"I heard this is a place for transgender people and sexual minorities", she says. "Are you gay?"
"No, I am not. I am just a cross-dresser. Are you a lesbian?"
"No, Davida".
"Then, what brings you here?"
"I am a sfenist".
Hearing that, Davida looks at her. Eva is dressed like a pretty but dangerous girl, with a metal-texture dress, thigh boots and long gloves, so that the only part of her body visible is her face.
"I am sorry", he says.
"Don't worry. I guess I am not the only sfenist on this planet".
"No, by far not", he says. "It is for rare sexual minorities that Betelgeuse VII was made. I know a few sfenists living around".
Eva lights another cigarette and offers one to Davida.
"Do you want one?"
"Yes, thanks", he answers.
"I thought I will find many LGBT people here", she says. "Those people who understood me better are gay".
"No, this is not the place for such people", he answers. "This is what I thought first, too. There are some, of course, but not too many. They prefer to go to IGPP or Planeta Lesbiana instead. Also, I didn't find many BDSM people here, too".
"You know, sadismic and masochists are something a sfenist will never accept or understand".
"I think so, Eva. I am not a sfenist, but I talked with some".
"So, what kind of people live here?"
"I think the best way to learn is to go downtown. You will see there".
They both follow the concrete road, a straight line between parcels. All roads are the same, in straight lines and divide the town in squares with four parcels each... and each parcel is a square 50 meters wide. But what is a sfenist? A sexual minority. Sfenists are victims of a sexual abuse (usually a rape), that could never recover completely. They usually hide this to other people, because people most often make fun of this. Sfenists are psychological impotents. They find hard or even impossible to have sex and if they do, it is all pain, not pleasure. Pain does not come from their bodies, but from their dramas, from their wounded souls. Most sfenists avoid being touched in certain areas or things related somehow to their experiences. For example, one might not support naked people (like on the beach if they were naked when they were abused).
"Hi, Bob", says Davida to something that appears like a man. "This is Eva, our new neighbor".
"Hi Davida! Eva, nice to meet you!" says Bob with a female voice.
"Hi", says Eva, amazed.
"Bob is a woman", says Davida. "She is a transgender too. And a virtualophil".
"A what?" asks Eva.
"A virtualophil. A person who doesn't love a human being, but a virtual character".
"You mean a computer avatar?"
"Yes, Eva. Exactly that".
"I never thought virtualophils exist".
"Neither did I, until I came here".
Eva lights another cigarette and says:
"I heard about transgender people that they go to surgery, body implants and hormones".
"Yes, some do. But not here. You know, Eva, many transgender guys love women, only that they also want to look like a woman. Also, I know many transgender women who dress-up like men, but they have boyfriends. Being a transgender does not mean that you are gay. And if you talk about body transformations, there are a few who went to surgery and implants, but the vast majority prefer only cross-dressing".
"This is amazing", says Eva, blowing a cloud of smoke in the air.
"I know. This is the amazing fact about Betelgeuse VII. Sexy, not porn. Tolerant, but not erotic".
"I thought that sexual minorities are only LGBT and BDSM people, but now... I don't know what to say".
"But you are a sfenist, which is a sexual minority. And there are many other minorities that you will find here".
"What? Zoophils?"
"What?" asks Davida laughing.
"I mean, people that make sex with animals. In the Old World, there are many demonstrations against them".
"Eva, you use a generic term, like asexuals define many sexual minorities, including sfenists. Yes, there are people who have sex with animals, but those animals are artificially made for sex. Well, they are accepted as long as they use only such animals and they treat those animals well. But more often you see furries, which are people that dress-up like animals. Well, both categories are very rare here. I only know two families of furries in our town".
"And the asexuals?"
"Well, perfect asexuals have no attraction for sex at all, even if their body is perfect. There are however many asexuals unable to have sex because of a disease. And also, there are onanists, people who love themselves. They are not into sex, but masturbation. They are attracted by their own bodies".
"Wow! So, here nobody will laugh that I am a sfenist".
"Sure no, Eva", answers Davida, with strict and clear voice. "And there are many other sexual minorities around. Panophils are in love with objects: a tree, a stone, a road, a statue, even a wall. Eterophils are in love with love itself and not with anything material. Nugalophils are in love with toys, I mean sex toys, even sex dolls. Also, you will see fetishophils, people who are not attracted by a person, but by objects worn by someone: hair, shoes, laundry and so on. In many other worlds, such people would be considered sick or mentally degraded, but not here. On Betelgeuse VII, they all have equal rights. Even more interesting, you can find families, made by people from different sexual minorities. What amazes me is that all this comes in such a natural way, that, when I first came here, it shocked me".
They reach the center. It is a large concrete square, with shops around and a fountain in the middle. The town is small and everybody knows everybody. The two take a sit on a bench, watching the landscape. Betelgeuse shines on the sky, big and red, giving to everything the colors of an evening.
"This is where you need to go if you want to buy something", says Davida. "Also, here you can find out about jobs and opportunities. There is plenty to do in our town. You have been allocated here because you know to do something that is needed here".
"I worked in textile industry", says Eva.
Then, Eva decides to buy a few things. Then, she returns home. Davida comes with her back to the parcel border, then goes back to his home.
**********
Later in evening, Eva decides to go back on a walk through the town. Davida told her that many people use to hangout near the lake. Well, if the roads are all in straight lines, it should be easy to get there. After walking 2 km, she manages to get there. The road ends with a small platform for boats. The landscape is really amazing. This lake is surrounded by hills, by forest and pastures along all its shores. A stream flows from the lake, then, after two short waterfalls, it flows into another lake, which actually is a reservoir. Eva crosses the river on a concrete bridge and finds herself like in wonderland.
She sees trees that have both flowers and fruits. Everything is green. She walks on a path, through the forest. "This is normal in monoclime", she says to herself. "Without seasons, plants blush and grow fruits all year around". She experienced this type of climate on planets that are tidal locked, where there is an eternal day on one side and an eternal night on the other. Also, planets that don't have their orbit tilted experience the same type of climate. But there is something different with Betelgeuse. Because the star is variable, one week might be hot and one week might be cold. Plants are exposed to various temperatures within 20 days. Sometimes it gets cold and plants think it is spring... and flowers start to grow. "Only a red supergiant can support this", thinks Eva. "No other star changes brightness so fast".
She sees all insects flying around. There is a lizard hiding in the grass. Not far, a few birds are flying. It doesn't take much and she sees a squirrel. As she continues walking, she finds large stones, covered with lichens. "This is a clear sign that the air is very clean", she says to herself again. "I never seen lichens on Mars or Venus".
She finds a small stream and walks along it. Not far, she sees a lake, about 40 meters long and probably deep enough to swim in it. Fishes are swimming inside. What a clear, transparent water! She drinks water from a spring. It tastes so different then bottle water she used to drink for all her life. "Is this how clean water tastes like?" she whispers. Without following any trail, she gets deeper inside the forest, until she sees an animal. Could it be dangerous? She has never seen a wild pig before and has no idea what this creature might be. Well, she decides to return, not knowing what to do, when the animal moves away.
While walking in the forest, she slips on wet grass and falls with one foot into a pond. Water gets inside her boot. But, this is different, unlike the dirty and polluted water she was used to see on most rivers. So, she goes to the lake and stops on a stone near the shore. The water is clean, with some fish. She can clearly see the bottom of the lake, with sand and small stones. So, she takes her boots out and touches the water with her pantyhosed feet.
Sfenists usually avoid to expose their skin, but here, she feels perfectly safe. With all these sexual minorities around, nobody will bother her. The water is a bit cold, but so relaxing for her feet. She lights a cigarette and enjoys the smoke. Then, she puts her thigh boots back and returns to the shore, where she can see more people.
It is getting dark. The sky gets dark red, a bloody color, which the Sun could not produce in the Solar System. Betelgeuse is vanishing behind the hills, behind the town. The sky is filled with auroras, large and bright. It by far not a dark night. Betelgeuse, like any red supergiant, produces a huge solar wind, which impacts any planet's magnetosphere, producing giant auroras. What a view! There is not so much light even in the largest city. Huge bright lines move, twist, break apart and are reunited, changing color. They are white, then green, blue or red, then pink.
Eva decides to go back home. She puts on her thigh boots and walks. She sees two men walking hand by hand. One might think they are gay, but they are not. One has a male voice, the other a female voice. Then, she encounters two women, talking and sitting on a bench in front of a house... but they are both men, if you think about their voice. What is more amazing then everything, is the fact that all this happens so natural. They all behave like this, as this is how things should be.
Finally, she returns home. This small metal building, with a single room, is what she got as a home. She closes the door, then takes off her long gloves, her thigh boots and her dress. She gets in her bed, but her eyes are looking at the window, at the lights in the sky and at the trees and hills she cannot see clearly. She lights another cigarette, thinking about what an amazing place she found.
**********
The next day, Eva goes to the center, trying to find something to work and she immediately finds something, at a nearby factory. She will be doing purses. In the Old World, industrial megacorporations employ almost all working force, but on Betelgeuse VII, things are different. Because of the huge distance and transport costs, almost everything has to be produced here. So, small factories are everywhere. Also, many people are employed in agriculture, producing natural food.
After a few days, she meets Davida again.
"How are you?" he asks.
"I am fine".
"Do you like it here?"
"Yes, it is an amazing place, neighbor. I never imagined such a world can exist".
"Everyone will be polite to you", says Davida. "And everyone will understand you as you are. Nobody will abuse you or force you in any way. Believe me, before coming here, I went to many other places".
"I never imagined that there will be a place in this world where people will understand me".
"I loved cross-dressing since I was a child. I always dreamed of a place where I could be dressed like a woman, without everyone looking at me like if I am crazy and without people thinking that I am gay".
"You found that place, Davida".
"I visited IGPP, not because I were gay, but because I wanted to find a place to be tolerated. What I've seen there, is gay people, sometimes dirty, sometimes stinky and many times obscene. I never liked that planet. Then, I went to EZ Aquarii IV, where transgender people are welcome... but it was too porn. I don't look for sex. All I wanted is to be a man in women's clothes. On EZ Aquarii IV, I found many orgies, like public masturbation places. And don't ask me about Deepthroat, where people have sex on the streets in public, in the bus or even in churches. There are many worlds like those".
"You know that if I don't like Betelgeuse VII within 10 days, I can return", says Eva. "But I won't. There is no place like here. No guy tried to seduce me and everyone accepted me as I am. I found a job so fast that it left me without words. And there is something else. The nature. Believe me, wherever I've been, nature is not like this".
"Welcome to paradise, Eva".
The 10 trial days passed. An automated flying vehicle came, to ask Eva if she wants to remain or leave. She clearly said "I will remain here until I die".
Eva made many new friends. All of them are strange people for those outside Betelgeuse VII, but here, they are all normal. Then, after a few days, on a nearby parcel, an automated vehicle brought a new metal house. The next day, a newcomer was left there. Eva went to him and said:
"Welcome to paradise!"
**********
With every day, at least one ship with 7500 new settlers arrive to Betelgeuse VII. Population is growing with nearly 3 millions each Earth year. The economy is booming, as people are enjoying a happy life in one of the less corrupted states in the galaxy. They know that their star is a red supergiant and one day will go supernova, but they think it will be hundreds of thousands years in the future.
But is it so? Caligula, the one who sponsored terraforming for this planet, knew that the star will only last thousands of years. He bribed the experts who measured what is going on inside the star and they made false measurements. Even his own data were not correct. The clock is ticking and nobody has any idea about this.
It takes a little fire to ignite, to burn a whole forest (ancient saying).
The terraforming of Betelgeuse VII was financed by Caligula, also known as King Of Iron. In 2961, he paid the ISA with all money needed to terraform. Work started in two years and ended in 2996, eight years after Caligula died. He did not live to see his work done. He had no wife and no children, so there was nobody expected to take his legacy. However, surprisingly, two years before his death, he donated all he had to a teen, a girl named Giulia. Very little is known about what reason Caligula had to give her all his fortune and the leadership of the new planet. After all, they've been together for only an year. More shocking was that Giulia took the name Caligula II after Caligula's death and the title of queen of Betelgeuse VII.
It took a few years after Betelgeuse VII was terraformed until Giulia told the world who she was. In fact, she could not tell this to the world, because people would reject her without mercy.
Giulia was born in 2967 on a planet in Sirius. She was very smart and very good at school, a cute and polite girl, always trying to help others. As she grew-up, she was influenced by her father who was a merchant into thinking about starting a business. Even at 15, she managed part of her dad's shops and cargo ships.
Not known to anyone, even to her parents, she was a panophile (a rare sexual minority, a person attracted to objects). She was in love with a tree and used to spend many hours there. She tried the best to hide her sexual orientation, knowing that people will laugh at her. She knew about a guy who felt in love with a stone in a natural park and was arrested for this. However, her friends noticed that she loves to go for hours in the forest and followed her. They secretly spotted her near her tree, when she was singing to it. The next day, they decided to cut the tree down and burned it. When she arrived, she cried for hours. She sat near the fire and cried, just like her best friend has died. Her friends were watching in secret, but, seeing her crying like this, was too much for them.
Night had fallen and she still was sitting hear the ashes. She moved above them and the remaining smoke entered her nose. She tried to breath the smoke.
"Come with me. I will take you in my body", she whispered.
She tried to breath in the remaining smoke, to take a part of the tree with her. At that time, she was not a smoker and her body just couldn't handle this. She felt dizzy and needed to lie down. Still, she felt some attraction to this and found it somehow exiting. Despite the fact that she hardly managed to walk, intoxicated with smoke, she decided to start smoking. So, the next day she both her first pack of cigarettes.
Everyone at the high school was shocked to see her smoking. Her parents were so mad that they started to beat her. From that point, her life turned into a nightmare. But, despite all this, she continued to smoke more and more. She switched to cigars and pipe.
Then, at some point, her parents forced her to get into a relationship with a guy which was a rich businessman. She did not like that at all. It all worked until at some point he tried to force her have sex. At that point, she ran away. This thing made her have an anger for men with an excess of testosterone all her life.
She went to the surface base and from there to the space station. She took the first ship that accepted her... and that ship was carrying workers to Vega. At that time, Caligula just sold his last iron mine. It was just pure luck that Giulia managed to meet Caligula there. When they met, she was willing to do anything to get a job and not return to Sirius. So, he hired her to do paperwork.
It was Caligula who, in only an year, changed her life completely. He told her about Betelgeuse VII, the planet that will be a paradise for those rejected by the world. He told Giulia that: "If you hate men with too much testosterone, try to prove you are superior to them". Also, he said "Nobody else can understand you then someone from a sexual minority. Let's build a paradise where people like you can live in harmony together. There, everyone will understand everyone".
When Caligula died, she took all his remaining fortune and invested it in infrastructure for the new planet. But she was no longer Giulia. She was Caligula II. The day when the planet opened for settlers, she threw away her women clothes and dressed-up like a man, more exactly like a general, with soldier boots and an army uniform. She glued a mustache on her face and cut her hair short, painting it black. She took an iron crown and started work very fast. She wanted to respect everything that Caligula started and managed to do so. She dedicated all her life to the new planet, trying her best to make this a paradise for those rejected elsewhere.
As Caligula I wrote in the constitution, Betelgeuse VII will be something between a democracy and a dictatorship. There will be a single leader, with nearly absolute power, elected at every 5 Earth years and without the right to be re-elected. After the 5 years, the leader will answer in a public trial for all good and bad things done, risking to be executed or all its fortune to be sold. Caligula II knows that her power will end in 3001, so she tried her best to do anything possible to make the planet a paradise.
**********
But how is a day of her life?
Every day, during her 7 hours of official activity, she can be seen by anyone. She stays in her palace, which is just a simple building, on an iron throne, symbolizing iron, the element that made Caligula I rich. All what she does is public and anyone can enter the throne room. Everything is transmitted live from there.
She appears dressed as a tough guy. Her daily clothing include mountain boots, trousers tied with a chain instead of a belt and a leather jacket. Her black hair is cut short and partially covered with a simple iron crown. With no earrings, a piercing in her nose, male sunglasses and a glued mustache, at a first look, you would say she is a man. She uses to smoke cigars all the time. Her voice is affected by long time smoking, but still is that of a woman... and if you look closer, you can see the silhouette of her breasts behind the jacket.
From her throne, she watches and controls everything through drones and online connections. She respects everything written by Caligula I in his constitution and never accepts anything else. Betelgeuse VII is an almost tax-free state, with a tax of 0.4% applied to any transaction, big or small. For example, if you buy a pack of cigarettes, 0.4% of the price is instantly diverted to the state budget. The number of state employees is limited to 0.1% of the population. External politics are turned towards independence and neutrality.
Much of her time is spent on audiences, from various people who want to do business or anything inside her state. Each time something is against Caligula I's constitution, she stops the conversation and invites that person out.
Someone comes to her, from a bank:
"Your highness, I represent the ICB, Interstellar Credit Bank. We would like to build a few banks on Betelgeuse VII".
"You can personally come and build banks here at your own will, once you gain citizenship, but not owned by someone from the outside", she answers. "This is what the constitution says".
"If you accept my offer, the ICB agrees to give your state a loan of seven billion CC".
"According to constitution, the state is not allowed to have any debt. Dismissed!"
Then, comes someone else:
"Your highness, I am the ambassador of IGPP".
"Interstellar Gay Paradise Planet? How can I help you?"
"I am here for the incident in the town of Meteora. Four gay people were punished with a 500 BC fee for obscene behavior. I ask you, in the name of freedom, to cancel that fee".
"I know the incident. You know that Betelgeuse VII has 100% tolerance for sexual minorities, but each town has its own elected sheriff, but explicit, obscene behavior is punished. I could cancel the fee, but that sheriff was elected by the people in that town so it is their own decision".
"I don't think it is correct".
"An online referendum was started. Here are the results. 72% of the residents in Meteora gave a similar punishment".
"I suggest extending the referendum to the whole planet".
"Sorry, the constitution limits the act of referendum to the jurisdiction of the sheriff".
"But..."
"Dismissed".
Then, comes a woman:
"Your highness, I am Roma Gemini from UV Ceti. I speak in the name of 1500 women who have been abused in our system".
"I know UV Ceti. How can I help you?"
"We settled to Betelgeuse VII. We come from the body farms".
Caligula II takes a deep inhale from her cigar, thinking with much sadness. How much pain is in this world? Many rough dictatorships, to increase their population, started this practice. They sent women into body farms, where they were kept in cages and forced to become pregnant again and again. They took the babies and indoctrinated them from a very young age.
"My friend, she says, just tell me what you need".
"We would like to live together in a town. And help others come here".
"Well, that is easy", says Caligula II, making a big cloud of smoke. "I will contact an engineer and set a town for you. But if you want to help others come, I cannot do it. It is against the constitution to interfere into others' politics. If you want, you can pay for their ticket here".
"Thank you".
She calls a settlement technician and gives the woman to him.
Then she checks the budget: tax incomes and money spending, helped by two experts and other five persons from the press. Most of the money is spent for building new towns. In order not to harm the environment, large cities are not to be built. Each new town must have small metal houses, concrete roads, a small source of electricity and a rail connection. The town of New Bremen is not finished, but all the funds have been used. She calls the technician in charge, who appears on a large screen. He is a man, dressed in a woman.
"Minerva, why is not New Bremen finished?" she asks.
"Your highness, let me explain. We must have electricity and the dam needed to be much larger, so we no longer have funds for the houses".
"I have images of the dam and it does not look that much".
"Yes, but the foundation..."
"My drones watched you building the foundation. You lied".
"No! I did not lie!"
"I don't believe you. You have 40 days to finish work with your own money".
"But I..."
"Listen, Minerva! The next Earth year there will be elections. It's my head that will fall if someone finds out about this. And I prefer to save my head and cut yours. I will check back in 40 days. Dismissed!"
This is how her daily life looks like at work. In the rest of time, she is a simple citizen. She goes to a shop and buys food and lives in a small metal house surrounded by trees. She never hides that she is a panophile. People on the streets salute her like anyone else. Only in the throne hall she is treated like a dictator.
There is, however, a part of her life not much known. She built a memorial park in remember of Caligula I, with her own money. The park, which forms a square of 400/400 m, is full with vegetation. Along the alleys, there are cubes made of glass, hosting many items that belonged to him. Other founders who terraformed planets wanted huge statues placed everywhere. There are some who customized a continent to look like themselves. Caligula I was much different, he didn't want anything like that.
People come to the park and watch the items inside the cubes of glass. On each cube, there is a description written: Caligula's personal computer, his working table, the iron mining authorization, his first steel contract, his personal clothes and others. Many of his plans for Betelgeuse VII are shown here too, including data from geological prospects and reports from terraforming operations.
In center of the park, there is Caligula I's tomb with his real size statue. Behind it, there is a statue of the Roman emperor Caligula, from which he took the name.
Visiting the park is free, however people can donate. Behind it, there is a second place, but where you have to pay 4 BC to enter, which is expensive enough. Taking photos or filming might cost up to 1000 BC. There is no vegetation, but statues representing trees and bushes, while grass is replaced with gravel. There, inside glass cubes, are the items showing that Caligula I was a hidden transgender. One can see skirts, fake breasts and even wigs, together with make-up and lots of lots of photos made by himself. All his life, nobody knew about this, but now, on his planet, his secret life is known.
Still, there is a place that nobody can enter. This place is a metal building. Caligula II said that this building is to be opened after her death, saying that it contains some personal objects. Many people thought that the two were in love, however, by the time Caligula I employed Giulia, he already was too old and sick, while she was a teen. The truth is that he was an asexual.
Whenever she comes to the metal building, she makes sure that nobody can see anything, locking the door from the inside. There, she keeps a carbonized fragment from her tree. She stays there for a few minutes.
The building has a second room, containing plasticized sheets of paper listed from Caligula I's computer, together with the original files stored on a CPU inside a vault. Since Betelgeuse is a red supergiant, the ISA wanted an additional study to make sure that the star will not explode in the nearby future. However, Caligula I bribed the technicians who made the measurements. Everyone knows that Betelgeuse will survive 400 thousands of years. These data show something different: that the star will only last a few thousands of years.
A red supergiant fuses helium into carbon and oxygen for a million years. Near the end of this process, the core is inert, filled with carbon and oxygen, surrounded by a shell where remaining helium is fused. Then, when the inert core reaches a critical mass, carbon starts to be fused into neon, magnesium, sodium and oxygen, a process that lasts only 600 years. Then neon is fused, then oxygen, then magnesium, until all is transformed into silicon, in a multitude of reactions that last at maximum 20 years. Finally, during a single day, silicon is fused into iron. And then, when the core contains only iron, it collapses and the whole star explodes into a supernova.
The data shows that Betelgeuse has an inert core. It appears that the star is fusing helium. For how long will that core survive until carbon will start fusing? It appears that for 2000 to 5000 years, we are all safe. However, there is no data that surrounding the core, helium is fused. What if carbon is fused in fact? What if carbon fusion is coming to an end? Is everyone going to die?
Thinking about this, Caligula II feels scared. She feels the need to get out of the building. There is nobody outside. She carefully locks the door and looks up in the sky, where Betelgeuse is shining, big and red, like always.
"No, he couldn't be that wrong", she whispers. "You are fusing helium into carbon and you will last long enough for us".
She walks through the park and goes to the tomb where Caligula I is buried. She takes her iron crown and puts it on the tomb, not caring that some people are taking photos of this. For a few seconds, she thinks again: "What if Betelgeuse is fusing carbon and is at the end of its lifetime?" Then, she looks at the crown and thinks: "Hydrogen is fused into helium, then helium into carbon and oxygen, then carbon into neon and magnesium, then neon into oxygen and magnesium, then oxygen into silicon, then magnesium into silicon and finally silicon into iron. And iron is death to any star. Iron, the metal that made us rich and helped us terraform this world, is the metal that will kill us".
She takes the crown back and puts it on her head, then thinks: "But not now. It will happen in thousands of years... or even more, I think. The stellar study was done by one leading experts in stellar physics. He couldn't be that wrong. I don't think Betelgeuse will last 400000 years, but not 3000 years for sure. The truth must be something between. Maybe 100000 years. But for and as long as I live, nobody must know. After a few thousands of years, we will colonize additional planets".
She puts some tobacco in a pipe and starts smoking, watching the red fire, something common with Betelgeuse. After a while, there is no smoke coming out, just some ashes. She holds the iron pipe, watching some red rays of light entering the window through the smoke.
"Iron. The metal that helped us come here and the metal that will kill this place".
A day in freedom weights more then a million lives in slavery (memories of a priosner).
What is the most important thing in the galaxy? Is it gold? Around 2200, it was. After a few hyperinflation episodes, everything was linked back to gold. But later, when Leo Baroni discovered the huge gold deposits in CN Leonis and started mining them, the value of gold had fallen below that of copper. Is it diamonds? For a while, it was, until the first carbon planet was discovered; from that point, a diamond was sold for a melon. Is there anything that is worth everything?
Along time, prices rise and fall. Money gained and lost value, while new currencies were used. The ISA (Interstellar Agency), starting from 2400, inserted a new currency, called cosmic credit or CC for interstellar transactions. For over 500 years, this was (and still is) the most stable form of money. Each planet and state has its own currency, with a value connected to the CC. The ISA needed something that has not changed value over time and would look stable for the future. Surprisingly, that item is not gold, jewelry or a highly valuable metal. It is not food or something related to real estate. It is tobacco. For over a millennia, people have been smoking and they still do now. No smoking ban and no prohibition period could ever stop this. In the end, world governments and health organizations realized that the only way to handle this is to improve human genetics and make the lung stronger. The ISA fixed its currency at a parity of one CC for 1000 average cigarette packs. We are now in the year 3000 and this still works.
But is tobacco the most important thing in the galaxy? By far, no. Not even the CC, it is just a currency fixed to help interstellar transactions. Then, what is it?
The most important thing of all is the human life, more precisely, the human as a living creature. This is the truth.
Since terraforming became cheaper, mankind entered a new era, of cosmic bloom colonization. New planets are transformed into new Earths, habitable and awaiting settlers. Each is owned by a federation, a space empire, a megacorporation, but still a large part are free states. All are fighting to attract people. On the other hand, in other places, depopulation has reached alarming levels. It looks like every state is doing anything possible to help its population growing.
In these conditions, a new form of slavery has appeared: the body farms. There, people are grown like animals. Women are forced to make children. Then, those children are grown and receive a special type of education, to become the best slaves. In some states, embryos are grown in incubators, to become children. All this is done on an industrial scale. Pirates are the best dealers, connecting body farms with depopulated stellar systems. But, since all slaves are shipped frozen into liquid helium, pirates often attack passenger ships and poor states, to steal people.
What is UV Ceti? It is a binary star, located not far from the Solar System. Both stars blow huge flares, that make terraforming impossible on any of their planets. Soon after the first colonists arrived there, they started to fight for power and they know what else. The system went fast into anarchy, where everyone tries to kill everyone. This is the paradise for pirates and traffickers. Mafia factions gather there, together with paramilitary groups. Mercenaries and fugitives call that place home. The inhabitants have no mercy, no souls and no value for human life.
One warrior from UV Ceti was Victoribus. He was pushed away from his planet there and ran to Proxima Centauri. There, he destroyed the only terraformed planet, Centarina. He killed almost everyone. His greatest pleasure was to slaughter children in front of their crying mothers. It was the worst genocide in the cosmic era.
For the rest of the world, UV Ceti means terror, death and horror.
What is HH Andromedae? It is a dim red star in the constellation of Andromeda. With two terraformed planets, in the 2500's, it attracted settlers and became a free state. However, its economy went wrong. Hyperinflation and poverty followed. Desperate to save the economy, the government gave freedom to industrial corporations, which polluted the planets beyond recovery. Now, HH Andromedae is a poor and depopulated state... and one of the targets for UV Ceti pirates.
And here starts our story.
**********
An University teacher, an old woman, was going to an asteroid with two of her students, a girl, Laisa and a guy, Ivan. They know how hard has became to travel. Space police often looks for bribery, while UV Ceti pirates make deeper and deeper incursions. They were attacked by a lonely pirate. The old woman was tortured and the students raped. Badly injured, the teacher took a knife and cut the pirate's neck, killing him. With their ship damaged, they could only take the pirate's. However, pirates were on their left side and police on their right. They knew that both will attack and kill without asking more questions. The only solution they had was to fly far away, to another star system, beyond 300 light years, where nobody will attack them. But where? It was no time to think. The teacher chosen Betelgeuse, because it was the first thing she had in mind. She managed to set the onboard computer for flying and automated emergency docking, then died.
Sixty days later, the ship reaches the orbital station of Betelgeuse VII. The students wake-up from cryogenic sleep. They placed her in sleep too, hoping that doctors might resuscitate her, but it is too late. Now, they realize that there is no way they can return home. They are stocked here. The only chance they have is to gain citizenship. So, they go to the planet. Willing to stay together, they say they are married, even if, in fact, there is nothing between them.
After medical and psychological checkout, they gain citizenship and are transported to their new home.
As they are deployed, they see the planet with their own eyes. It is so different from their former home. Betelgeuse is a red supergiant, but the light is similar to what their red dwarf star used to produce. Even if it appears at the same size, it is different, with lighter and darker spots and surrounded by a red, crimson haze. Auroras are so strong that they can be seen in the day.
The air is incredibly clean. On their former home, you can hardly breath the air outside and the sky had a yellow color because of all the pollution. People were walking with air masks on the street. Buildings were covered with a thick black layer of ash and dust. Their lungs find it difficult even to breath such a clean and ionized air. They need to sit down.
But down, means on the grass. How amazing. On their former planet, there is almost nothing growing, except for some genetically modified algae, who grow on ground, forming a dark green, dirty goo. They are so amazed to see grass, that they cannot stop touching it with their hands. They even taste a leaf of grass.
It is not silence. They hear birds singing. Real birds? Wow! It is for the first time in their lives to hear and see one. Also, some insects are here, flying in the air. And on the ground, they see ants. What an amazing place!
Amazed, they keep watching and see trees. Real trees, with green leaves, with flowers and fruits at the same time.
"Is this how a tree should look like?" asks Ivan amazed.
"I don't know, but I think so", answers Laisa.
Until now, they only seen dead trees, in the former forests of their homeland. All are dead, most have fallen, but still, some were holding on, remnants of the past. They both try to get there and touch a tree. Amazingly, it is not covered with the black stinky, slimy layer they are used to find on anything. By far no. They touch the brown stem. It is so amazing!
And then, they see a squirrel.
"What is that?" asks Laisa.
"I don't know", answers Ivan. "Some sort of animal, I guess".
On HH Andromedae II, people used to have pets for a while, but since food became more scarce and pollution killed everything, most pets died. People gave up growing animals before the two were born.
Suddenly, a man appears and says with a woman voice:
"Hey, what are you doing on my parcel?"
"We are sorry", answers Ivan fast. "We didn't know this is your land".
Then comes a woman, with a knee-long skirt and says with a male voice:
"Is there any problem, honey?"
"We just arrived here", says Laisa. "We don't know yet our way around".
"So, we are neighbors", says the woman with a male voice. "Welcome to Betelgeuse! When did you arrive?"
"An hour ago, I guess", says Laisa.
The two neighbors invite the students on a table near their house and give them cookies. A new friendship is starting to form. However, it does not last long until the students ask:
"So, you are a man in women's clothes and you are a woman in men's clothes".
"Yes", they answer.
"And you feel comfortable this way?"
"Yes, we do".
"What are the neighbors saying to this?"
"Nothing. Here, this is something natural".
"Wow!" says Laisa. "On our homeland, everyone would laugh to see this".
"Not here", answer some of them. "Betelgeuse VII is a paradise for transgender people and rare sexual minorities".
"You mean, people like you, are common?" asks Ivan surprised.
"Nearly all our neighbors are like this".
So surprised, the two students are left without words for minutes.
**********
Helped by their neighbors, they learn their way around. Then, they return home, to the small metal home that everyone receives when arriving here. Both have learned about so strange people, that they never imagined to exist: sfenists, panophiles, virtualophiles, etherophiles and lots of transgender people. All are living in harmony, each one tolerates the other one. There are not many homosexuals in the area, but by far, this is the strangest place they have ever heard about.
"Getting dressed as a woman is horrible", says Ivan in the end.
"I don't know", says Laisa. "It might be so, but people here are extremely friendly. I have nothing against if they let us live as we are".
"Doesn't it make you throw-up?"
"Me? Yes, a bit".
"But this is our home, now. We have to get used to it".
**********
Then, they decide to go to the town center. There, you can get a job. Not far, there is a factory that produces spare parts for floating cars. After all, they came with no money. The HHC (HH Andromedae credit) is not accepted anywhere here and they did not have a chance to exchange it for CC. The local currency is BC (Betelgeuse credit) which is exchanged at a parity of 1 CC for 100 BC. That would make 1 BC for nearly 10 million HHC, if their money could be accepted.
First thing they notice is that there are no elders here. All settlers are at maximum 50 years old. Also, they see children. The second thing they notice is that a vast part of the population is dressed to the opposite sex. This works even for small children. For adults and teens, you can guess their real gender based on their voice, but for children, it is impossible. For example, they see a little boy playing with other children... but the others call that boy Amanda. So, she is a girl? Another child, which looks like a girl, is named Jerry. Both are playing with some sticks. At some point, Jerry says:
"I can carry more sticks in my skirt, it has many pockets".
"Tomorrow, I will come with my skirt too", answers Amanda.
What a place! You can be a man, tomorrow change to a woman, then again a man! Where in the Universe you can see this? And all is done such in a natural way, like if this is how things should be.
The third thing that amazes them, is that almost everyone is smoking, even small children. Also, all this comes so natural. To see children smoking here is like to see them eating candy or other sweets elsewhere. Adults smoke together with children. In HH Andromedae, the state started a strong campaign against smoking, but allowed on a large scale commerce of light drugs like cannabis.
Finally, they reach to the central square, where they easy find a job. Tomorrow, they will come for a test day at work.
**********
Laisa and Ivan are from a planet that is tidal locked. So, one side of that planet is in eternal day, while the other side is in darkness. People live in the illuminated part. They are used to see the sun in the same place on the sky. Here, on Betelgeuse VII, the sun rises and sets. During the night, they cannot sleep. Amazed, they watch the sky, where huge auroras dance. It is much brighter then all the fireworks combined at a large celebration.
Almost no stars are visible on the sky. From this distance, the Sun should not be visible, but Sirius and Vega should. When the auroras are not glowing that much, there is something else visible: dark red clouds. Like all supergiant stars, Betelgeuse is losing matter, creating giant but slow solar winds. The star is surrounded by clouds of matter, moving away to the interstellar medium. Planets are orbiting right through these clouds. The planet has a small moon, which is too far and small and appears as a bright red star.
Finally, when the day comes, Ivan and Laisa go to work. The factory owner takes them to their places and explains to them what they should do. It doesn't take much until they understand the basics, but they will need much more time to learn all. They are building small parts for hovering cars.
Because of the huge distance, a passenger ship needs 60 days to reach Betelgeuse VII. A cargo ship will require an Earth year. So, interstellar trade is very expensive. Everything needs to be built here.
The economy of Betelgeuse VII is self-sufficient, because it has to. Imports are limited to high-tech products, while exports are also limited to exotic natural products. Because settlers are coming in, they also bring some CC with them. Since population is rapidly growing, there is a higher number of clients for all products, so all factories are growing. Newcomers have a place to work as soon as they get here. They work, earn money, then comes the time when they start a business on their own. Only that, when this happens, they have to go to a new place, to avoid creating large cities, which are not friendly for the environment.
Because the population is increasing, there is an increasing need for money. The total amount of money must grow, or it will produce deflation. So, the state can print money without creating inflation. This money is used to build homes for newcomers. By contrast, in a depopulating state, like HH Andromedae, the amount of money per resident is decreasing, creating inflation. There is less collected to the budget, so the state needs to increase taxes, destroying the economy and forcing more people to go away.
**********
But, let's leave these problems to an economist. Let's return to Laisa and Ivan. They have to work in a team with all the others. After they finish work, they buy something to eat and return home.
"It is so strange", says Ivan. "Bob wanted me to help him fix some wires, but working with a man dressed as a woman, it was very hard".
"But he tried to be very polite to you", says Laisa.
"I know, but to see a man with lipstick and make-up, makes me throw-up".
"You should see Denver".
"Ah, that guy with a short dress? And fake boobs?"
"Yes, that one. I did not know what to say. It made me laugh".
"To see a man dressed like a woman is so pathetic", says Ivan. "I wish we could return somehow or at least to go to some other place".
"Wait. Have you ever seen people so kind like here? Ivan, they are so friendly, like nobody I've ever seen".
"You're right, but... but... I don't know if I will make it here".
"For now, we are stocked here. There is no turning back".
"I know, Laisa. We were the best students. We lost all and we're stocked on this rock. But don't worry. I will work hard and buy you a ticket back".
"To where?"
"To HH Andromedae".
"Ivan, just look around!" says Laisa, surprised of his words. "Just look at all this vegetation! Have we ever seen grass before? Or a flower? Could we even breath air? Can anyone there open a window to let clean air enter? Don't give away this".
"And what do you want? To live here, with mentally degraded people? You heard that woman, Shelia? She is in love with a stone".
"And she is also dressed like a man".
"You see? People here are crazy. This is insane!"
In the end, they go to sleep. People might think that they are a couple, but in fact, they stay in bed like a brother and a sister.
**********
The next day, it is the same at work. All coworkers are friendly with them and willing to help. Still, the two are shocked to see even more. One worker invites them to a bar after work. There, they watch surprised the way people behave. Two girls are kissing, but in fact one is a girl and one is a boy. Two guys are hugging each other, but one of them is actually a girl.
The same continues in the following days. Well, finally, Sunday comes and they go to the church. There, people come, also dressed as they like.
"Oh mine!" says Ivan while living the church. "I don't believe that they behave in the same way here too".
"I don't know for you, but I am started to get used to them. After all, people in here are so friendly!"
"Isn't it a sin?"
"What? Cross dressing?"
"Yes, it is a sin, Laisa. But people seem here not to bother".
"I'll tell you what a sin is: to steal, to hurt, to kill, to lie. In HH Andromedae, thieves are on all the roads. Remember? You need to keep everything in interior pockets. Here, we don't lock the house".
More days pass. All new residents stay 10 days to chose if they want to stay or if they want to return for free. An automated flying vehicle comes to their house. A robotic voice asks the two, to chose what they want.
"I want to remain", says Laisa, sharp.
"I don't know", says Ivan.
He would want to return, but Laisa insists. She holds her arm and begs him to stay. So, he answers:
"I will stay here".
What actually made him stay, is the fact that in HH Andromedae, he has no future. After graduating the University, his only chances would be to emigrate. But how could he get back to school? He should be considered dead by now. How could he be accepted back? There are so many state employees that need to be bribed. It is impossible. So, he is stocked here, with or without his will.
**********
At work, Laisa became friend with Sheila. They use to spend some time together. Close to the town, there is a reservoir surrounded by stones. There, teens use to come and hangout.
"Have you adapted to our world?" asks Sheila, lighting a cigarette.
"I think yes. But still, I need time to get used to all the people here".
"You know, when I came here, I felt like jumping from purgatory to paradise".
"You talk about the landscapes, Shelia?"
"No, my friend. I talk about the freedom of this place. You know, at first, I didn't dress as a man. I do this now because most people do so. It is a sign of respect for the people here".
"You ran here because you are a panophile", says Laisa.
"Yes, but not quite because of that. I came here because people hated me. They rejected me because I am different. Just like everyone else. If people would have understood me, I wouldn't be here".
"But me? I am not different from where I came. I am very different from you".
"People here will not bother. Just try to feel happy the way you are".
"Thank you".
"Laisa, Betelgeuse VII is built as a paradise of freedom. Here, you can be whatever you are. Just like I am a woman and I dress as a man".
"I've seen that. But still, there is a limit. I've read about transgender people that they take hormones, have implants or surgery. But here, no. Here, all is limited to cross-dressing. And about sexual minorities, all I knew is about gay people. Never imagined that people like you do exist at all. Where I come from, people against gay communities because they use obscene clothes or make obscene gestures in public".
"No, Laisa. Betelgeuse VII is not the place for that. We are humans, like you are. If you talk about cross dressing, there is a point of no return. Once you cross that barrier, some things will never be the same. If you want to go to extreme body transformations, you have to submit a request and wait five Earth years. This is to make sure that you do understand the consequences. As a man, you can wear fake breasts. If you want to stop, you just take them down. As a woman, you can glue a mustache, which can be removed at anytime. But once you go to the doctor, things change. If you were a woman, you won't be able to have children. If you were a man, you won't be able to produce healthy sperm. So, there is no children. This is the idea, that there is no turning back. This is why, using hormones or surgery, before request, is punished with a fee of 10 thousand BC".
"I get the point".
"And about what you said about obscene gestures and behavior, you must know that many people don't like to behave like that. I personally don't like what is obscene. A kiss is a kiss, but beyond a certain limit, things must be done behind closed doors".
"You are right about that too".
"You know that public nudity or public sex are punished".
"I know, Shelia".
"But still, remember that this is a place of freedom. Maybe, there are things you were not allowed in your world, but here you can do them".
"What do you mean?"
"For example, maybe you wanted to wear some clothes that in your world would look too provocative. Or maybe you wanted... I don't know. Something else. I know a guy who was never allowed to smoke on the planet he came, so he started smoking here".
"I don't know", answers Laisa. "I wanted to be dressed somehow different. I was one of the best students. I am sick of wearing a uniform all time".
"That should be your starting point. Try to be yourself. Try to look at want you never had and you can have here".
"Yes. For an example, more different clothes. But I don't have the money yet. I need to wait for my next salary".
"I have some money, if this helps".
"And I still don't know how to shop here".
"No problem. Just come with me".
Shelia takes Laisa to the town center. There are a few online panels, touch screens specially made for this kind of work. There, you can order many products and pay for them in advance. All goods will be shipped by train in a few days. The two girls look at a brand variety of clothes and other items. Shelia insists each time, trying to open Laisa's mind. It doesn't take much until she choses the stuff she wanted. All goods will be delivered in four days, just when she will receive her salary.
**********
Just when Laisa's salary comes, her new clothes are here. On Betelgeuse VII, things are different. A global railway network of automated trains ships goods throughout the planet. Money don't exist as plastic banknotes, but only as a virtual currency. Each resident has an identity card that also holds money on. All transactions are done with the help of online panels and terminals, which automatically divert 0.4% as the state tax. She pays Shelia back the money, then goes home.
Ivan is not there yet. He uses to go to the forest, to watch nature. So, Laisa has plenty of time. She opens the boxes and watches the new clothes and make-up. First, she undresses completely, knowing that nobody will bother her. She shaves her feet, then paints her nails in black. Until now, at best, she could have her nails in a light pink or white color. When they dry-up, she puts on black pants and a black bra. Then she takes demi-opaque pantyhose, with a shiny, metallic color. "Wow!" she whispers, admiring her feet. "I never worn colored pantyhose in my whole life! From a book grinder and a library mouse, now I became a bitch. Well, this is how people would think about me at school". Then, she takes on a blouse made of the same material, elastic, translucent and shiny.
All this time, she worn flat shoes. She never worn boots. Now, it is time to put on thigh boots with high heels. So smooth! She feels her feet warm and comfortable, as they vanish inside the long, dark boots. She takes off the school dress uniform that she had been wearing all this time and replaces it with a knee-long, shiny, metallic dress. Red rays of light from Betelgeuse reflect in the new dress. She watches and realizes how amazing she must be. Then, she puts on long, dark gloves, that are as long as her arms, reaching nearly to her shoulders. She never worn gloves in her life. Her hands feel warm and start to sweat, but she likes it. "It was considered a lack of respect to wear gloves at school", she whispers. "Here, behaving like that is considered a lack of respect". Finally, she puts on a shiny, metallic jacket, with sleeves that reach her elbows and lets the stomach uncovered, exposing the dress. She admires her breasts, as they are seen hidden behind the jacket. She has no large mirror in the house to see herself, but she realizes her new look is amazing.
Next, she needs to take off the jacket and the gloves. Time to paint her hair. It is the first time in her life to do this. The color she chosen is also shiny, metallic. Carefully, she prepares the paint in a bowl and applies it on her long hair. "Goodbye, curls", she whispers. "I am no longer a student at all". Then, she carefully applies some make-up. Not too much, not too little. She then applies a shiny, metal lipstick on her lips. Then, with the same lipstick, she draws a heart on her right chick and on the left chick, an exclamation and a question sign. She removes her small earrings and replaces them with the new, big, black and metallic ones. Also, she adds black sun glasses.
Then comes the last part of her new outfit: horns. She glues them at the top, left and right corners of her forehead. Both horns are black, about five cm long and look like those of a calf. "On HH Andromedae, people will say that I worship the devil. Here, people will not say anything. I can even enter the church with this", she whispers.
Waiting for her hair to get dried, she puts on her jacket and gloves, takes a chair and goes outside. Now, it is time for the last piece of her new outfit. She takes a pack of cigarettes and lights one. It is the first time in her life that she smokes. Her virgin lungs refuse the smoke and she coughs badly. "Come on, Laisa! You can do it!" she whispers and tries again, resulting in another nasty cough. She tries for the third time, but coughs again and feels dizzy, but her ambition is great. She takes small drags, trying to get used to get used to it.
Finishing her cigarette, she returns to the house and starts preparing food. Ivan will come soon.
And just as she finishes cooking, the door opens.
"Hi", he says, but remains with his mouth opened. "Laisa?"
"Yes", she answers. "You were in the forest?"
"What in the galaxy is this?"
"My new outfit".
Ivan looks at her, shocked. He never seen her like this.
"Wow! What happened to you?"
"Ivan, since we are stocked on this planet, shouldn't we try to behave like the inhabitants?"
He looks again. Where is her uniform? Now, she wears shiny metallic dress and jacket. He looks at her feet, that usually were covered with smooth pantyhose, now are covered by these long boots that seem to not end. Then, he looks at her face. His face turns from shocked to anger, looking at her painted hair and the signs on her cheeks. Wow!
"And what are those on your forehead?"
"Horns", answers Laisa with a small smile.
"Horns? Have you lost your mind?"
"No, by far not".
"Laisa, not even the worst delinquents were wearing horns. What's wrong with you? You were the most polite girl in school... and now, look at you. I cannot believe that you sit here like that. Think about your parents. What would they say?"
"My parents think I am dead. Your parents think the same. And tell me, Ivan, is there any way we could return to HH Andromedae? The answer is no. Even if we could afford to pay for a flight back, sure you realize that we are both considered dead. There is no way to go back to school. And where can you find a job there? More even, there is no way you can immigrate to Sirius, to Barnard's Star, to Epsilon Eridani or any other rich system as we are now. You need a passport to go there. And how can you gain a passport if you are dead?"
"I know, but you did not have to do all this", he says with a sad voice.
"Yes, I didn't have to, but why not? Do you think that what you do is better? You behave like a hermit, finish work and go to forest. Everyone is so friendly here, but you seem to avoid everyone and hide yourself. I try to integrate to their society. Isn't it better what I do? Sooner or later, you will realize that there is no turning back for both of us".
"Perhaps you are right".
"Ivan, do you remember Mrs. Evangelista?"
"Yes, how could I not remember her? She killed that pirate. She sacrificed her life to save ours. May she rest in peace".
"There must be a reason why she chosen Betelgeuse and not another system. Just think about it. Why did she do it?"
Ivan has no answer to that question. He looks down, where he sees his shoes and her boots with high heels. He knows Mrs. Evangelista very well. She was a good teacher, very intelligent and most important a teacher that appreciates good students. She took them to an asteroid to learn about things they will find in practice, after finishing school. From all students, she chosen them... and she sacrificed her life for them. Now, as her dead body have reached Betelgeuse, she was buried here, on the planet. All this time, he never went to her tomb. Such a lack of respect from him. He hugs Laisa and says:
"You know what you have to do. You are smart, you were in the elite. But I cannot walk the same path you do. At least not now. I need time. Anyway, people will not consider me weird in here".
**********
The next day, when Laisa goes to work in her new outfit, people are impressed.
"Hi, Laisa!"
"Nice clothes you have!"
"Oh, you look so good!"
"Your hair color is assorted with your clothes! Wow, you even have horns! So cute".
They like the way she dresses. They appreciate her. Not the same can be said about Ivan. At least, he no longer has a repulsion to work with a man dressed as a woman, as he had in the first days. Laisa is very communicative and friendly to anyone, while Ivan is quiet. He works, talks only on rare occasions and when work is done goes to the forest, to meditate.
After a few days, at the church, they both sit in their places. Laisa is dressed in her new uniform, while Ivan is in his school uniforms. After praying, Laisa goes home and he remains in the chapel. He kneels in front of an icon and prays for a few minutes. The priest comes to him and puts his hand on his shoulder.
"What is wrong, Ivan?" he asks.
"I was praying for Mrs. Evangelista, the teacher who saved our lives".
"I remember, she killed that pirate from UV Ceti".
"She sacrificed her life to save ours. Since that time, I was thinking over and over. Why here? Why Betelgeuse?"
"I think she had a reason, son. She sent you here for a reason. Believe me, all people I see here are rejected from their worlds. They all come here for freedom".
"I've seen that, father, but I am not like them. I am not a transgender and I don't belong to a sexual minority".
"Let me tell you something, son. Saint Paul, the Apostle, anywhere he went, he dressed like the people he encountered, he cut his hair as they did, he talked like the people he found. He tried to be like them, not to force them be like him. He was a Jew, but he ate what people used to eat. You know, Jews don't eat any type of meat, but he did".
"But isn't it a sin what people do here?"
"The church, not only this one, but every church, has adapted to each planet and each place. No planet has the same year length as Earth, no planet has the same day length as Earth. Still, the church has chosen to use a different calendar to each planet, fixing different days for saints and holidays. Each planet has its own Christmas day and its own Easter day. And this works everywhere. Even before the space age. On the old Earth, people of Siberia, a frozen land, ate almost only meat, since no crops grow there. You know that the Orthodox Church requires fasting before Christmas and Easter. But there, in Siberia, people had no vegetables. So, they ate meat, a thing that in other places would be considered a sin. Rules are made for people, not people are made for the rules. Remember what Jesus said to the bigoted Jews? That the Saturday was made for mankind, not the mankind was made for Saturday. This is how things actually are".
"I see..." says Ivan, with a sad voice, realizing that the priest will not give him the answer he expected.
"Now, Ivan, tell me how your life would have looked like if you were not kidnapped?"
"I would have finished school. Then, since HH Andromedae is a poor state, I would have tried to immigrate to Sirius or Barnard. There, I would have gained a job. That's all".
"So, you would have become a piece of the system and nothing else. Alone?"
"Yes, father. Alone. With who else?"
"You had no plans to make a family?"
"No. Just to sustain myself and that's all".
"No, son. That is not good. You see, God made Adam and Eve. They made people both male and female. And as I know you, you would never have accepted to commit a sin, like having sex with a girl before marriage. No girl would accept that".
"I know, that's why I said that I've seen my life alone".
"I think there is something else in this. You say you don't belong to a sexual minority, but in fact you do. You are an asexual. People would have rejected you. Had you any girlfriends at school?"
"Only once, but she left me for a rich guy".
"I can tell you that Laisa is also an asexual. I've never seen her looking for someone. Even more, she loves you. Yes, she does, but she doesn't say it. Just think. Why did she accept to stay in the same house with you and even in the same bed? You did not have money when you came, but now, you have. She could have her own house by now".
Ivan looks amazed to this. "You mean she loves me?"
"Yes, but not a sensual love. It is a spiritual love, like the one found among asexuals and sfenists".
For the first time in his life, Ivan realizes that a girl loves him. This never happened. Blood rushes to his face. Could this be possible? Looking in the priest's eyes, he realizes that he is serious.
"What should I do?" he asks.
"Just accept her as she is and appreciate her. And let her transform yourself".
**********
From church, Ivan returns home. He walks on the concrete streets, looking at everyone. "Why should I look at them like this? After all, what would my life have looked like? Back in HH Andromedae, people were wearing air masks on the street. People were laughing at me sometimes. I was attacked by thieves at least twenty times. Once, in a train, they came with a knife and took my air mask... I could hardly breath all the way to home... and nobody gave me a mouth of oxygen. I could die, surrounded by 'normal' people. But here, if you ask for a glass of water, everyone will give you". He is no longer looking at them as before. He looks at a man with a long dress and says:
"Hi, Alex!"
"Hi, Ivan!" answers that man.
They are all polite. nobody has laughed at him ever. Even at work, when he was in fact nervous to work with men looking like women, they always were polite to him. Nobody said something like "Hey, newcomer, if you don't like us, go back home". Nobody.
He stops and buys flowers, then he slowly returns home, thinking about what to say. The small, single room, metal house, is waiting him, near the road, surrounded by grass and vegetation. He opens the door.
"Hi, Laisa!" he says, with much happiness in his voice.
"Welcome, Ivan! You stayed at the church until now?"
"I both you these flowers", he says. "I want to say you two things. First, that I am sorry for judging you. And second, that you look amazing in this outfit".
Laisa looks at him surprised, then curious, then smiling.
"Judging me for what?"
"For your new outfit. For the fact that you try to integrate in their society".
"We have no choice, Ivan", she says, with a big smile on her face. "We cannot return. And even if we could, we cannot have what we have here".
"I know. And for now on, I am no longer opposing you. Even more, I think that you should try to transform me too".
Laisa looks even more surprised then before.
"Why? What changed your mind?"
"Mrs. Evangelista. She had a reason to send us here. She wanted us out from the Old World. So, if her desire was to bring us here, she meant that we must live here. So, I am going to fulfill her last wish. We are to remain here for the rest of our lives. And since that is clear, I have to change myself and become like the other people around us".
Laisa is so amazed to hear this, that she rolls her skirt up, until she reaches the top of her thigh boots. She takes the pack of cigarettes and lights one. Ivan had no idea that she started to smoke. He watches amazed how she puts the cigarette between her shiny lips and lights it. She inhales. As she takes the cigarette out of her mouth, a little smoke gets out too. Then, she inhales more air, keeps the smoke in her body and exhales a powerful jet of smoke. It doesn't take much and she moves the cigarette back to her mouth and inhales again. This time, it is not that powerful, but a much softer exhale, with some smoke getting out of her nostrils too.
"You smoke?" asks Ivan. "This is amazing".
"Thank you. I thought you would kill me if you find out".
"When did you started?"
"When I changed my outfit. At that day, Laisa the schoolgirl has died and a new woman was born in her body".
"Help me change too".
Laisa takes another inhale. Smoke from her cigarette dance in the air between them. She lets her smoke out gently, through her smiling mouth, through her teeth. Ivan watches all this amazed, like hypnotized. It is like Laisa is the most lovely girl he ever seen.
"What would you like your new outfit to be?" she asks.
"Well, I don't know. What do you think?"
"If you ask me, I know you hate men in women's clothes. I would like to transform you in a woman".
Ivan remains still. Laisa takes another drag and blows the smoke in his face.
"Ivan?" she asks with another smile on her face.
"I let myself in your hands. Do with me what you think. I will be your woman from now!"
Amazed by his words, Laisa gives him a kiss. He feels the touch of her lips and a smell of smoke. But this is too much for the moment. His body moves a bit back.
"Why did you do that?" he asks.
"I don't know. Why were you watching me like hypnotized?"
"I don't know".
Laisa takes another inhale, then stands up and goes to the back of the room, blowing a cloud of smoke on the way. She searches for her former school uniform and brings them to Ivan.
"I never kissed a guy until now", she says, giving him her old clothes.
Well, it is not easy to do this. Her dress is too tight and he hardly manages to put it on. Then, they realize that his feet are a mess. Too hairy. Ivan has to shave his feet. Then, she insists that he needs to paint his nails. Add a pair of pantyhose and her flats and he looks like a woman from half down.
**********
The next day, they go to the online panel and command women clothes for him, which arrive in a few days. Laisa helps him get dressed in this new way.
First, she glues him fake breasts. Then, he puts on pantyhose and an elastic blouse, both demi-opaque and with the same color as hers: shiny metallic. Then, he puts on a black, shiny skirt, with a short black jacket. He has shoes with high heels and short gloves, both black. Laisa paints his hair in shiny metallic, then applies the same metallic lipstick she has. She also glues him horns, the same kind she wears. With the lipstick, she paints him a heart on his left chick and a flower on his right one. Finally, Ivan takes on black sun glasses.
When everything is done, Laisa lights a cigarette and examines him.
"You look great. I never imagined that you will agree this".
"I guess so", he answers.
The next day, the both go to work dressed like this. People are very happy to see them this way:
"Hi, Ivan! You look amazing".
"What a change!"
"You two look very good together!"
"Yes, they are in love".
For Ivan, it was a nightmare to walk in high heels, but he will get used to. He felt disoriented and without confidence in himself at first, but, thinking that this makes Laisa happy is more important then everything. He is very happy. Now, he has nothing against his coworkers which were dressed as women. It is the opposite, he feels better around them.
Still, one of them, after work, takes him apart and says:
"Well done, buddy! you took the right step. If not, Laisa would have abandoned you. She was very patient with you".
Finally, they return home. They are both very happy and they enjoy how the red rays of light from Betelgeuse reflect on their shiny clothes. Laisa lights a cigarette on the way. Ivan asks her to stop on a bench near an intersection.
"There is one thing that I need to do", he says.
"What?"
"Give me a cigarette. This is the last thing I need to make my transformation complete".
It doesn't take much and both become chain smokers. Their love grow stronger by the day. Their former lives in HH Andromedae seem far, far away, like the memories of another person.
**********
Betelgeuse shines on the sky, surrounded by its haze of ejected gasses. Down, on the planet, Ivan and Laisa found love and a happy life. They sit down on the grass, smoking each one a cigarette which creates around a haze of ejected smoke. They are happy and in paradise. Only that, at some point, any cigarette finishes its own fuel and dies. Since mankind realized that a red supergiant is a star near the end of its life, Betelgeuse was suspected to die at anytime. Since the 2000's, many suggested that its explosion is imminent... but the star remained there, shining on the sky. It did not die. Now, humans have reached this star and are living on one of its planets.
Ivan and Laisa lean on their back, on grass, looking at the giant star. It appears on the sky nearly at the same size and color as HH Andromedae from their former planet, only that Betelgeuse is far more complex, with bright and dark areas. They both look up and smoke, just as Betelgeuse is ejecting plumes of gas all around. The star struggles to survive, to produce energy and not collapse. It is like the star itself is trying to tell them: "Get out of here, I won't hold for much longer"... only that nobody hears its cry...
...at least for now.
This story might be too sad. Dedicated to all who during Christmas are lonely, hungry, ill or suffering.
This story starts far away from the paradise of Betelgeuse, in the Old World, on a planet orbiting the binary star Sirius. It is a rich place, with a long-lived powerful economy and one of the first places where humans came, outside the Solar System. The planet benefits from an Earth-like climate with long seasons, illuminated by its blue-white sun. Here, some people live a very rich and happy life, while the others are living in poverty. It is a world of contrasts. In one part, you see luxurious buildings, but not far, people are starving.
On planet Sirius A VI, at 80 km from the rich city of Tyras, there is a rural area. There are a few villages that sustain themselves by agriculture. All the goods they produce, are sold in the city: vegetables, fruits, milk products and meat. Everything looked very good. Except for a few alcoholics, everyone is working in agriculture. Then, other people, also from these villages, take the goods and sell them in the city, in Farmers' Market. Everything worked this way for generations. The elders remember that, when they were children, their grandparents also worked in agriculture. It is a tradition that lasted for over 300 years.
It all worked this way, until came a rich man, with dirty interests. His name does not matter. Everyone calls him Boss. He is the son of a rich senator, who now is in jail for life, for bribery. Well, Boss also wanted to be someone important in the government, but he was much worse then his father. He was offered a chance: go to a remote part o the state or face the same sentence as his dad. So, he went to the city of Tyras, willing to make more money.
Boss came to Tyras as a local governor, willing to make more money, to bribe his way up to power. First, he received bribery from some companies, to allow construction of supermarkets inside the city. Until now, this was forbidden, to protect the local farmers. More even, until then, farmers and merchants were tolerated in all markets. From this point on, state employees started to force them out. Slowly, they could no longer sell their products. Then, supermarkets started to open where former free markets were. Desperate, farmers started to sell their goods on the streets, online or from their villages. Boss decided to stop this form of commerce.
It took only two Earth years until farmers were ruined. They started to sell their land for nothing. More and more of them, started to go to work to the city. Realizing that this is a new source of money, Boss started something even more horrible. He cancelled nearly all trains on the railways, then forced a transport monopoly. He created a bus company, the only one allowed to carry people to Tyras and back. Busses became overcrowded and very expensive, also very rare. People had to wait even five hours. Boss then increased transport taxes, so that nobody would travel without his busses.
Boss started to rule the city. The only thing that matters for him is how much money he can make. As a result, by the time the rural areas were ruined, in the city, some people were extremely rich and the largest part were in poverty.
**********
And here comes the story. A poor girl, named Natalia, was trying to find her way in life. She is about 17. Her dad was a farmer for all his life. He then ran out of business. Unable to pay land fees, he had to sell the land his family owned for generations... then he became an alcoholic... and an aggressive one. Her mother tried to work in the village, taking care of an old woman. But, she could not sustain the whole family and especially her alcoholic husband.
The planet is in the habitable zone, but Sirius is a much brighter star then the Sun. So, its orbit is much further. A local year lasts for about six Earth years. Each season is much longer. Winter lasts for over an Earth year. This is the worst time, mainly if you have no job. Natalia's parents had to sell their cows because they ran out of food. Then, they started to cut down wooden things, when they ran out of wood. Natalia also has two younger brothers, who were at school. But, without much heat in the house and without enough food, both went sick.
To make things worse, Natalia had a grandma that became very sick. Doctors requested 47 thousand SC (Sirius credits) to operate her. Even before the crisis, this was too much. Now, it is impossible. Grandma is struggling between life and death.
**********
Natalia wakes-up in morning. She lies, telling her parents that she will go to school, but she is not going there anyway. Her dad is in a hangover, while her mom has her head wounded. Dad was again aggressive. She does not want to eat, knowing that a few slices of bread are all they have. She jumps out of the house and takes the overcrowded hovering bus. She travels eighty km in 3 hours, standing on her feet, with only little space to breath. It is dark outside and cold. All is covered by ice and snow.
As she arrives, she jumps out of the bus and goes to the supermarket, where only five Earth years ago her mother was selling their own products. She buys some biscuits and a pack of cigarettes, then eats and smokes.
She should go to high school, but she ceased going there. How could she stay there and learn, when her brothers are both sick? Last night, they were coughing and having fever. She is here to make some money, even if her parents don't know. There is a place where she can make money: the subway. There, it is always warm, even if outside it is freezing. There are many small shops at the subway. She helps sellers to carry goods from surface to the shops, to clean-up and to take out the garbage. But not today. Nobody asks her for help. Boss increased the fee for all small shops along the subway. Saying that the shops are selling illegal staff, he wants to take them out. All sellers are very sad of this.
Desperate, she goes out. She starts begging people for some money on the streets, but nobody gives her anything. It is day already. People rush to work, nobody cares about her. Then, she goes back to the subway and enters a metro train. She sings carols in the train. A few people give her some money. This is good, but by far not enough. Too little for what she needs.
Evening comes. She goes back to the street and begs for money. Then, a police officer spots her and takes her to the station.
"Why do you do that?" they ask. "You know it is forbidden".
"I need money, my brothers are sick", she answers.
One officer gives a punch in her head. She starts crying.
"Shut up, bitch! The fee for begging on the streets is 500 SC".
"This is all I have", she says, giving them all she made: 25 SC.
The officer gives her a punch in the abdomen. She falls down, crying of pain. All she ate today are those biscuits. They hit her again, with a boot in the stomach. She does not give them any money. One officer takes her out, by hair, then throws her in the dirty snow.
She has to return. There is only one bus in the evening. So, she goes to a small shop in the subway, to an old woman that knows her very well.
"Camilla, please help me", she says. "I made no money. I need 30 SC to go back home and return tomorrow. It's for the bus".
"My boss will be very angry", says Camilla. I give you, but tomorrow morning, you pay me the money".
Natalia takes the money and goes back to the bus. It is very crowded and the heating system does not work. Freezing air enters through a window that is not closing. Hungry and hurt by the police guys, she would cry... but there is nobody to help.
At home, it is cold, almost freezing. Her brothers are ill. Nobody has money for their medicine. Her dad is drunk again. She gets fast into her cold room, jumping in bed, as she is, dressed. She can hear her mother crying, as her dad is beating her. He curses and screams, while she begs for mercy. He just sold the front fence for alcohol... here goes the wood that could heat their house for two weeks. She puts a pillow on her head and tries to sleep.
**********
Then, she wakes-up. It's the day before Christmas. Maybe she will find something to work today. She takes the bus and goes to the city.
Once she is in the town, she goes to the supermarkets. People are buying goods, over and over: food, presents, Christmas trees, all sort of staff. Someone asks her for help, to load goods in his car. She finds some food, dropped by someone: a frozen pretzel. Not much, but still good for her stomach. It is the first time in her life when she eats junk food. Another customer wants help with a large tree and a lot of cookies, but doesn't pay her anything. She begs for mercy... The first person spits on her. Someone else says: "For alcohol? Go to brothel, bitch!" Another guy says: "If you don't go away, I will call the police". Finally, someone hits her... and she moves away.
She goes back to the subway and starts singing carols. An old woman gives her 20 SC and an old man gives 10 SC. Enough to pay her debt to Camilla. So, she goes to her shop... But there, two officers are shouting to her:
"The fee for selling goods in subway is 1000 SC a day, you did not pay it!"
"What? I don't have that money. Nobody makes that much".
"I don't care, woman! This is the law. You pay now or we will take you to the section".
Officers take her cuffed. Then, they serve themselves for free with anything they want. They also see her. She recognizes them, from last evening.
"It's that bitch", says one. "So, where is the money?"
They give Natalia a punch in her head. She gives them all money she has: 40 SC. Taking the money, one officer hits her with a hard punch in her face. She falls down. People spit her. Someone hits her too. Crying, she manages to stand and moves away.
All day, she hangs around, trying to find something to do. Everyone is happy. Nobody cares about her. She does not make money even for the bus. How can she return? Who can give her 15 SC? She goes back to the street and begs for help. Then, comes a couple. A woman wants to give her 5 SC, but her husband says:
"Stop! You see that wound on her face? She was drunk! That's where your money go! Street rats like this one should go to UV Ceti and be sold as slaves".
"But darling, she is just a kid!"
"No! I will not let you give her anything. Oh, here is a policeman".
He grabs Natalia and brings her to the cop. Dead end. The policeman takes her to the station. Hungry, scared and tired, she cries. She remains in arrest, in a small, cold room. It's freezing. The bus has gone by now. She thinks about her parents. About her mother. In old days, she could bring 50 SC home each day, plus her food. Now, it is a nightmare. She corners herself in the cell, waiting. Then comes one cop. She recognizes him. It's the guy who bitten her and took her money.
"Hi, bitch!" he smiles. "It looks like we are together this night. I am here to watch you, in case you do anything bad".
She looks scared. The officer hits her with a palm on face. Then another one. Then, he gives her a boot in the stomach.
"Come on, sweetie", he says. "Or you want to be sold as a slave in UV Ceti".
She heard about UV Ceti. Who hasn't? Nobody wants to be there. Those pirates, lurking for slaves, go deeper and deeper. They even attacked the empires of Sirius. Anytime they come, they show no mercy to anyone.
"Or, you want to pay your debt now. Two days for begging on the streets, that's 1000 SC".
"I have no money", she scries.
"Oh yes, you do", says the officer, unzipping his pants. "You do have something that is more valuable then this".
"No!" she screams.
"If you make any noise, you will only make it worse. My colleagues are here and they want a piece of you, too".
The officer forces her to undress. He rips some of her clothes, giving her more punches and another boot in the stomach. Then, he rapes her. Natalia cries, shouts of pain, while the officer shows no mercy. It all takes about five minutes. When he is done, he looks. Blood. Natalia was a virgin. He then calls another cop:
"Here you are! Take advantage as she is still hot!"
The new guy rapes her too. Then comes another one, who hits her hard in the stomach again, saying:
"Open wide! And don't bite".
Finally, this cop finishes too, letting her mouth full with his sticky fluid. He gives her a boot in her face, then takes her out and throws her in the snow, with another boot in her mouth.
Natalia is out, in the bitter cold night. She spits blood. She tries to clean the mouth of this horrible taste. Hungry, cold, tired, bitten, she hardly can walk. Near the door, she finds a pack of cigarettes. Little she knows, this pack belonged to Camilla, as she was also bitten here.
**********
Natalia slowly walks on the empty streets. Nobody is here. All her body hurts. She goes to a park surrounded by apartment blocks. She leans on a bench and looks inside. Through one window, she can see people. They are happy and enjoy the Christmas meal. They eat. She can hear carols singing. On another window, she sees a big tree, full with lights. A man comes late in night from the subway, with many boxes. She watches him, as he enters a building and goes to his apartment. There, his wife and his children come and hug him. They are all happy. One of the children opens a box and finds a small guitar. The other one, finds a toy car. Another man comes to the building carrying flowers. She looks through other windows and sees another family. They eat. It is hot in there.
Natalia remembers her family. Dad is probably drunk again, shouting and breaking staff in the house. He sold something else from the house for alcohol. Her brothers are both sick and starving. The youngest had a strong fever. Is he still alive? She sees her mother crying. How cold is in the house? Freezing? She has a bottle with water in her room... and last night, it had some ice inside. How could her brothers heal? And her mom... Did she ate anything today? They have no electricity, since they did not pay the bill.
She needs to do something to survive. So, she corners inside a trash box. She lights one of the cigarettes she found near the police station. At least, this can cheat hunger. She dreams with opened eyes, about the times when everything was well, when her parents were farmers. Dad grew animals and vegetables, mom sold them at the market. Santa used to come every Christmas. One time, he brought her a new dress. Another time, it was a big doll. She remembers the time she was at school. Second in class.
She cries, slowly smoking the cigarette. Then, she falls asleep. But, this is worse then everything. She has a nightmare. Worms and snakes are devouring her body, blowing slimy staff. She screams and wakes-up. She lights another cigarette and relaxes, falling again to sleep. Oh no! Again, she dreams snakes and worms. They all taste and smell like the sperm of those cops.
Waking up again, she cries slowly. She finds some food in the trash and eats it, but all she can feel is the taste of sperm. She lights another cigarette, trying anything to remove the taste. Anything. Everyone is sleeping. It is a silent night. She remembers the song: Silent Night. Christ was born this night, over 3000 years ago.
She walks on the streets, trying to survive the freezing cold. Then, she returns to the bus station. She waits and smokes, crying helpless. Then, luck strikes. She finds 15 SC on the street. Her bus ticket home! Anything, but leave this nightmare place.
When she arrives home, the door is open. So strange! She enters. Just close to the door, she finds her dad, surrounded by bottles of alcohol. He lies in the middle of the room, cold. She checks out, but he is already dead. Too drunk, he fallen on the floor, with the door open. Killed by hypothermia. She continues to the kitchen... but there, her mother is dead too, with foam at the mouth. Frozen. On the table, she can see insecticides. She committed suicide. Natalia hurries to her brothers. She finds one of them dead too, in bed. The other one is paralyzed, crying in bed.
"What happened?" she asks.
"He didn't wake up".
"He will never wake-up".
"Natalia, do you have something to eat?"
She looks around, but nothing. There is nothing to eat in the whole house. She goes out, to look around. There still might be some corn from when they had cows. Maybe she could make some cornmeal. But, when she comes back, she finds her brother on the floor, screaming of pain and with foam at his mouth. He drank the same insecticides his mother did. Too late.
Poor Natalia. What can she do now? With all her family dead, now she needs to sell the house only to get money to burry all four. She sits in the middle of the house and lights a cigarette. It is the first time she smokes here. Like in a dream, she sees the house when they were all happy. Christmas day was so different. They all came together in evening, celebrating. Santa used to come. Then, in morning, it was time for children to make a surprise for their parents. All walls were freshly painted. The whole house was clean. They had animals, they had gardens, trees and vegetables. And now, there is nothing to eat around. Death and starvation.
Her cigarette ends and she lights another one. A cloud of smoke gets out from her hungry body. She slowly smokes, remembering the old days. All until she feels her body losing power. Then, she remembers an old story: The Little Match Girl. Isn't her story the same? No. It is far worse. At least, that girl was not abused. Or was she... and the narrator forgot to tell us.
"I want to die too", whispers Natalia, as she leans on her cold bed.
But, just as she feels asleep, she has again nightmares. Oh no! She wakes-up and goes to a neighbor, to tell someone what is going on. They immediately call the police.
**********
One might think that the story will end like this: Police came and arrested Natalia. She was raped again. Unable to take this any longer, she went suicide.
But, things are not like this. As police comes, they arrest her. Another cop is there, who wants to take over the cop who raped her. He remembers her and says: "If you confess, I will take you out of here". And things go exactly this way. Natalia confesses (and even lies), saying that the cop abused her many times, that her dad went on alcohol because of him, that this cop also abused her mother, that he took a protection tax... until her bothers died because they had no money for food, wood and medicine. The trial takes only a few days, because it is Christmas and the judge wants to return to vacation.
As promised, the cop asks Natalia where does she want to go and she answers short: "Betelgeuse". She realized that she became a sfenist. The cop buys her a one-way ticket, because he knows that if she remains around, she can confess something else. And just as Natalia departs from Sirius, he takes what remained from her house, to build a holiday house... built on the bones of her parents and her brothers.
Natalia arrives at Betelgeuse VII. She starts there a new life, much happier then before, but with deep scars in her soul. She is instantly accepted as a sfenist and finds out that she is not the only one. She gives away her former name and identity and choses the name Nick, getting dressed as a man from now on. Only close friends know who she really was: The Little Girl With Matches of the 31st century.
This episode is about 3 rare sexual minorities, two transgenders and one unconventional family.
Betelgeuse. A red supergiant near the end of its lifetime. The star tries to fuse heavier and heavier elements, losing more and more heat and energy. It had devoured its inner planets long time ago. Now, all that survived are the outer planets and the Kuiper Belt. It is there that a planet, easy to terraform, was detected, transformed and inhabited by a rare community. It is this place in the galaxy, that many people, rejected from their homelands, call home. Each passenger carrier brings here 7500 people and they keep coming almost daily. The vast majority remain here and call this new place their home. To make room for everyone, the state builds new towns and gives a small metal house for each new resident. There is enough for everyone to work, so, newcomers get a new job fast and easy.
Being so far away from the Old World, interstellar trade almost does not exist, so the planet, Free State Of Betelgeuse VII, has to produce everything it needs. This is why, in many places, many towns are employed in agriculture. They might be considered villages, but still people call them towns, because they don't differ at all from other towns. Each town has parallel concrete roads, who intersect with other parallel roads, forming squares. Each square holds four house plots, each one forming a square of 50/50 meters. Each town has a central concrete square, a railway station, a dam to provide water and electricity and each town has between 1500 and 9900 inhabitants. Above that number, taxes increase, forcing people to relocate. This is important, because large cities will harm the environment.
**********
Albert is a new town whose economy is based on agriculture. Settlers sent here have worked in this domain. One of the first to arrive here is Natalia, a girl escaped from Sirius. Her family died in strange conditions. She was sexually abused by a cop. All these events affected her beyond recovery. She is now a sfenist, a person unable to have sexual relations because of her trauma. For a few months, she was close to madness, sometimes screaming, sometimes crying. Then, slowly, she managed to reach a state of equilibrium. As she arrived, other sfenists helped her with advices and money. Now, she has a small vegetable farm close to the town. Soon after arriving here, she changed her name in Nick and decided to transform herself into a man. She both men clothes, glued herself a mustache and a beard and submitted a request for the use of surgery and hormones. She has to wait five Earth years for approval. This is the law in Betelgeuse VII, to make sure that her desire, to change gender, is really her... and to make sure that she understands that, once she makes this step, there is no turning back. She is now named Nick by everyone around.
Nearly an Earth year has passed and two newcomers settled around. One is a girl named Angela, also from Sirius. Behind her, there is another drama. She is a virtualophile. She is in love with a virtual character, an avatar made by herself to represent her dreams. When her parents realized that, they decided to burn her computer in front of her. She cried and ran away, but returned. She went to the university, where all her colleagues laughed at her when they found out her secret love. They managed to get her password and destroyed her virtual lover. The story continued until she finished school and returned home. There, her parents forced her to get married with a rich guy that she rejected. When he forced her to have sex, she hit him and ran away again... only that this time, as she was a major, she emigrated to Betelgeuse. Why here? Because she heard that sexual minorities are welcome there.
Only a few days after Angela, came a guy, from Sirius too. He is Edmond. He is a fetishophile. All what turns him on are lips and feet, nothing else. His story also is a drama. From a young age, he had a passion to watch women's feet, as well as their lips. He used to spend hours in a park doing this. His strange behavior brought him in police custody a few times. Secretly, in his house, he used to paint his toes and wear pantyhose. He loved to use lipstick and admire himself in front of a mirror. His parents found out about this and sent him to a psychiatric treatment. He was punished dearly, but never ceased having this fetish. He was not into women or into men. No. All he wanted is to watch women's feet and lips and to cross-dress in his own room, when nobody could watch him. All this lasted until he graduated the University. Then, after he earned some money, he decided to emigrate to Betelgeuse VII.
Both Angela and Edmond live close to Natalia - Nick. Thinking about how others helped her when she arrived, Nick decided to help the two with food, money and all what they needed until they gained their first money. Then, they remained close friends and spent much time together. What was forbidden on their homeland, here is allowed. Nobody will judge them here for what they are. And all around, there are many others like them, rejected by the worlds they came from.
On Betelgeuse VII, cross-dressing is common. Some people have submitted the request for body modifications with the help of implants, surgery or hormones and are waiting to pass five Earth years, to get an approval. Still, the vast majority don’t want to go that far. They only prefer cross-dressing. The use of fake breasts, make-up, fake mustaches and other add-ons is common. The identity card that each one receives once getting citizenship only contains an identity number, a DNA sample and some other biological identification coded data: finger prints, an eye scan and a bioenergy scan. Also, it has your current address. It contains no name, no data about where you come from and no details about gender. Everyone can use any name or anytime or can change its gender appearence at any moment. There is no official marriage certificate, but unofficial certificates exist and can be purchased easy.
In these conditions, sometimes it is hard to know the real gender of a person you talk with. Everyone is born with a specified gender, but any transgender will prefer to look like the opposite sex and will like to be called that way. A man should be called he, but when is dressed as a woman, will like to be addressed with she. However, for friends and relatives, this might not be easy, since they are used with him as a male. Even if the outfit represents a woman, they know him as a man. Many times, the former gender is still visible. The good thing is that the English language still has a word, it. In this general confusion, many people prefer to replace he or she with the more simple 'it'. Even if talking about a human as 'it' is impolite, this practice has become widely used.
**********
After work, all 3 are in Nick's house, where they eat together. Nick loves to cook. She may look like a man now, except for her female voice and the breasts that can be seen through the jacket... but in many aspects, behaves like a girl. The reason it decided to dress as a man is to keep guys away. After its experiences, only being touched by a man makes her nervous. It wears men trousers, but, between its feet, one can see a small bulge. It is not an artificial, functional penis, but a small fake one, with the size of a pack of cigarettes. It wears a men jacket, with a pillow attacked to its belly. Doing this, she appears more fat and the breasts are not so visible. The hair is short and she wear a men hat. Adding the glued mustache and beard, it looks like a man. But still, if someone looks very careful, can see that the lips are too slim for a man. As it is polite to take off shoes when you enter someone’s house, Nick wears black socks.
Angela is not willing to be a transgender at all. She wears a red blouse and black trousers. Without shoes, her feet are covered with nearly opaque, shiny and skin-colored tights. Her toe nails are hardly visible, painted in red. She has a long, dark-red hair.
Edmond is dressed like a man, with a black sweater and blue trousers. There is nothing that can show his fetish. Still, hidden behind his white socks, his toe nails are painted red. He knows that on Betelgeuse VII this is not a problem. He knows that he can change clothes to those of a woman, but he never had the courage to do that.
Since they arrived here, Nick convinced both to smoke. With no smoking ban, on Betelgeuse VII almost everyone smokes. So, they all smoke a cigarette before starting to eat. Then, after eating, they do the same.
"We should plant more tomatoes", says Nick. "Some merchants asked me today for more".
"No problem", answers Angela. "Do you think Jenny has more seedlings?"
"It had when I last came to her".
"Then, this is what we have to do tomorrow", continues Angela.
"Population is increasing", observes Nick. "We should increase production too".
"Edmond is very good at planting", continues Angela. "Aren't you, Edmond?"
"No problem", he says.
Well, Edmond was not actually listening to them. He is looking at something else. He noticed Angela's feet. Her nails are hardly visible through the pantyhose fabric. Usually, he wanted to see toes uncovered by anything, but now, this is something that boosts his fetish to a new level.
"Well, then", says Nick. "I will contact Jenny right now".
The old time of cell phones is long gone. Now, there are other, very small devices. Receivers can fit well between teeth, microphones smaller then a millimeter fit well inside earrings, contact lens can produce directly a display on your retina and a keyboard is replaced by fake nails. Many people opted for implants, but science has confirmed that radiation is dangerous for health. So, most people prefer much larger devices, less harmful. More, there are devices that can be activated with the power of thinking. They are able to analyze the electromagnetic currents inside the brain and know what you think or what you say in your mind. However, these devices often have errors. You want to call your boss and... you think about getting drunk... and you tell the boss about a late night party, without thinking about it. Nick has glasses able to create an image, with a microphone and a receiver... and a glove that works as a keyboard.
As Nick talks, Edmond watches. Nick might have been a woman, but looks close to a man. Its lips offer little interest to him. Not the same can be said about Angela. Her pink, shiny lips are amazing. Edmond watches amazed how she takes the cigarette to her mouth, between her lips. She slowly inhales, then moves the cigarette away. Her white teeth are visible, with a little haze of smoke. Then she opens her mouth a bit, to take air and closes her lips. A few seconds later, she lets a trail of smoke out. As she takes the cigarette again to her mouth, Edmond can see some lipstick on the filter. He watches her taking another inhale.
"Done!" says Nick. It has tomato seedlings. "Tomorrow morning I go and pick some. We meet at the field and plant them".
As Nick takes the glove and glasses out, Edmond takes a final look at Angela and her lips. He moves his eyes down to her feet, still fascinated by those toes hidden by a layer of opaque pantyhose.
"Ok then", says Angela, letting smoke out of her mouth as she speaks. "Tomorrow we meet at the fields and wait you with the seedlings".
The two go to their homes. Watching Angela's lips and feet made Edmond's penis hard. He wants nobody to see that, so he gently moves with his back to the girls. His house is not far and he should make it unnoticed. Nick, as a sfenist, has a repulsion for men with too much testosterone. She observed Nick, even if he didn't realize this. When a guy tries to seduce a girl, Nick feels disgusted, even repulsion. But with Edmond, there is something else. It is not that he wants to be with Angela. By far, no. Edmond just wants to watch her and that's all. They all know that Nick - Natalia is a sfenist and that she decided to transform into a man because of this. Also, they know that Angela is a virtualophile and she is not attracted to a real person. But, so far, Edmond has not told anyone his orientation. He is too shy to tell.
Edmond moves fast outside Nick's house, followed by Angela.
"Can you come later and customize Wolfy?" she asks Edmond, who tries to hide his still erected penis from her view.
Wolfy is her cybernetic lover.
"Yes", answers Edmond. "I will be at your place later".
*********
Just as promised, Edmond comes to her house. Angela likes to keep anything clean and in a good order in her house. She still has only the single room, metal house that any newcomer receives at arrival to Betelgeuse. There is not much in the room: a bed, a closet, a table with her computer on and a carpet. Everything is clean and in a good order.
In Sirius, it is polite to take off your shoes when you enter someone's house. In other places, people use to wear shoes or slippers in the house, but in Sirius, people don't. Angela keeps this tradition. For Edmond, this is something he likes, to see her feet covered with the same opaque layer of pantyhose, while her painted nails are hardly visible.
Angela invites him to the computer.
"This is Wolfy", she says, smiling. "You told me that you are good at this. I want to improve his gestures".
Wolfy is not a wolf at all. It is a man, full with muscles, tattooed and with a provocative haircut. He has a big earring. His feet and toes look like those of a wolf, but his hands are those of a man, even if much larger and stronger. He is active, listening to you and giving answers, with the vocabulary of a bad boy. And there is one more thing: Wolfy has the teeth of a vampire.
"You can make him a hologram", says Angela.
She only needs to push a button and Wolfy appears in the room, close to the computer, as a hologram, translucent and glowing.
"I prefer to keep him inside", says Edmond, a bit scared by the sudden appearance.
"No problem".
Edmond works with Wolfy, improving his movements. Now, when Wolfy is on, he will give greetings to anyone who enters, with a military salute. He also improves the program to play with a gun, in an aggressive but still pleasant way. He then updates the environment Wolfy lives in. In his virtual world, he has a palace with marble rooms, with a dungeon, a gym and a garage. In each area, he must change outfit.
As Wolfy is upgraded, Angela lights a cigarette. Edmond looks at her, from time to time. He likes to admire her lips and her smoking actions. At one point, Angela takes her hands to the keyboard, to command Wolfy to sit. Edmond can see her cigarette between her fingers, with lipstick on the filter. It is like a piece of her lips remained on the filter. He twitches. Angela notices it, but keeps it quiet. She also notices a bulge in his trousers. "What turned him on like this?" she asks herself.
"What do you think Wolfy needs now?" she asks.
"Well, I don't know. He is yours, not mine", he answers, trying to return to ground, but still fascinated by the lipstick he seen on the filter.
"Come on, you are a guy. What would you like if you were him?"
Edmond looks down, but there he sees her toes covered with opaque pantyhose. He is like on fire. Angela, thinking what to do, takes his face between her hands. But, as Edmond sees the cigarette, with lipstick on, between her fingers, he is almost without control. He moves his head and instantly takes a drag. Angela gives him the cigarette and lights another one.
"Well, I think I know what Wolfy needs", she says. "You should make him smoke".
"I can try", says Edmond.
He works hard, to make Wolfy smoke. To do this, he needs to upload getsures. The best way to do this is to go where Wolfy appears as a hologram and scan himself as he smokes, as he inhales and exhales. All this time, Angela watches him amazed, how he works very happy and fast. "There is something that turned him on like this", she says in her mind. "It seems that he has a smoking fetish. But it is not me that he wants. It is the gesture that I do".
**********
As Edmond goes back home, he falls on bed. What a day! He feels shame that Angela might have seen him like this. He needs a few minutes to recover. Then, he looks around. On the walls, there are pictures with lips and feet, his fetishes. Knowing that nobody will come here, he takes off his trousers and exposes his painted toe nails. Then, he puts on an old, ripped pair of pantyhose that he took from Sirius, before coming here. He takes lipstick and applies on his lips, a thick layer. He lights a cigarette and watches as lipstick remains on the filter.
All he has in mind is Angela's lips as she was smoking and her toes. He tries to smoke as she did. While doing this, he feels his penis getting hard, even twitching. Then, he masturbates in a frenzy. It takes only a few seconds and he is done, filling an empty pack of cigarettes with his fluid. Then, he stays, enjoying the feel of pantyhose on his feet and the look of lipstick on his cigarette. Later in night, he masturbates for a second time.
**********
The next day, Edmond is very quiet in the garden. Nick is more interested in planting the tomato seedlings then in what is going on. Edmond is working very good, but very quiet all the time, while Angela seems to be less active. She invites Edmond back, to further improve Wolfy. He promises that he will come later.
And this is just what happens. Edmond works with Wolfy for an hour, upgrading his palace. Angela lights a cigarette and Edmond watches her amazed. Again, she notices a bulge in his trousers. She blows a cloud of smoke in Edmond's face.
"You like to see me smoking", she says.
Edmond is quiet, caught by surprise. He tries to hide his bulge, thinking that she might have seen it.
"You do... Or, do you?" she asks again. "It looks like Wolfy likes it too".
"Sorry", he says.
They don't stay more. Angela remains alone in the house, watching Wolfy as he gets to the gym, works his muscles and smokes. She lights a cigarette too and blows smoke in the screen. She feels horny watching this.
"Smoking", she whispers. "For 1500 years, people have smoked. I never thought I will smoke one day, but here I am", she whispers, blowing again smoke in the screen.
"I like to smoke", answers Wolfy. "My lungs are happy. Can you blow smoke again in me?"
"Sure thing", she answers, blowing again a cloud of smoke in the computer.
"Well done, my nicotine princess. I love you".
"Me too".
Later, Angela turns Wolfy off. She gets to bed and lights a cigarette. She is thinking how sexy was wolfy now. A bad boy smoking. This is just what he needed. She remembers the old times, when she was in Sirius. There, instead of this large, red star, they had two small, blue stars, but much more shiny. Those stars had such a strong light that, if you look at them for long, it will burn your retina. Everything was less colorful. At dawn, the light was still whiter then what is here at noon. Betelgeuse appears so big in the sky... and so red. It is like a giant cigarette burning. Amazing.
She thinks about all people who used to smoke all these centuries. So many fought against this addiction, saying that it harms your health. She never wanted to smoke until she came here. And after only a short time, she became addicted. But what turns Edmond on so strong? He doesn't seem to be attracted by herself. He is attracted by her smoking. And there is something else: her feet, which he always watches. "You can watch me as long as you want", she whispers. "But I am not yours. I am Wolfy's".
She wakes again and opens the computer. Wolfy appears back. She feels horny and opens a control box that she didn't want Edmond to see. She lights a cigarette and watches how Wolfy takes off his pants, exposing a big, dark and hairy penis. He starts masturbating with his huge muscle arms. As watching this, Angela also starts fingering herself. Then, she takes toys from her closet and masturbates herself. She talks with Wolfy, who is also mad, as he throws his fluid out. He reaches a second orgasm and throws fire, then a third orgasm, when he blows blood. The fourth time, it is sulfuric acid.
"No guy can do this", she says for herself. "And no guy can give you an orgasm as powerful as these toys do".
**********
Two days pass. All this time, both Angela and Edmond are quiet. But then, Angela decides to go to Edmond's house. She never entered his place, even if they are so close. She wants to say 'thank you' for the upgrades she done to Wolfy.
So, she goes. The one-room metal house that he has is just like hers, placed in the center of a parcel covered with grass. The only difference is that Edmond planted two trees in front and two in the back. It is true that she never been there, but she knows Edmond very well. There are places in the galaxy where people don't even talk to neighbors, where you must submit a request before visiting someone. Not in Sirius. There, people are used to come one to another, to eat cookies together and to talk. So, without any problem, she goes to the door, knocks and enters.
As she enters, she sees Edmond in a way she never seen him before. He has no trousers on. His hairy feet are covered with ripped pantyhose. Also, she can see a thick layer of lipstick on his face. This image shocks her, but she calms down. In Betelgeuse, there are so many transgender people, after all.
More then this, she looks on the walls. There are pictures depicting women feet and mouths. As she looks at the images, she realized that this is his fetish.
Edmond covers his genital area with a pillow, then tries to take off his lipstick with his hand.
"Don't need to", she says, as his hands and face became dirty by the excess of lipstick he tries to remove. "Why are you hiding?"
"I am sorry", answers Edmond. "I didn't expect you to come in".
"I always suspected something", continues Angela.
"You did?"
"Yes. By the way you look at me. By the way my feet turned you on and by the way you watch me smoking".
"Please, let me put some trousers on".
"Ok, I will turn my back", says Angela, moving to the window.
Edmond takes off his pantyhose fast, then puts on trousers and a sweater. As he finished and sits on his bed, she turns back. Angela looks at him again. She can see his toes are painted red, but the pantyhose is gone.
"All this time, you were hiding from the world", she says, surprised. "Why?"
"I don't know", he answers, almost whispering. "I thought... I am glad this doesn't make you angry. When I was living in Sirius, everyone who found out about this, rejected me".
Angela feels the need of a cigarette. She stops, knowing that this will stimulate his fetishes. She is still not getting the whole picture. After all, cross-dressing comes natural in here. Nobody would reject such a thing at all. So, why is he hiding?
"You know I am a virtualophile", she answers. "I am not into men or into women. Wolfy is my lover, even if he lives in a virtual world".
"I am not trying to seduce you or to be with you, Angela", he says. "All I say is that I love to watch women's feet and lips. I tried to cure myself. My parents took me to a psychological treatment, but with almost no result. It is only this".
"I understand you", she says, taking a cigarette from her pack, but not lighting it.
"I am sorry that you see me this way".
Edmond has a strong feeling of guiltiness and humiliation, but Angela feels pity. She wants to help. She sits on the bed, near him. It is not that she feels any attraction for him as a woman would feel for a man, it is just that she wants to help. She looks at his bare feet, at his painted toe nails, thinking for how long he kept this a secret. Her feet are near, with her toes also painted, but covered by her opaque pantyhose, with the same color as the skin. She gives him a cigarette, as she lights another one. They both take a deep inhale and blow the smoke in the air.
"Look", she says. "Sirius is a different place, but we are now on Betelgeuse. Here, you don't need to hide. You see how many transgender people are on the streets".
He doesn't answer anything, just looks at her.
"Now, why did you take your pantyhose off? I see they are ripped and old... and I bet they are also stinky. You need some new ones. And you need to shave your legs too".
Edmond looks so amazed and confused. "Why do you do this?" he asks.
Angela needs an answer. Why is she helping him? She realizes that, since they arrived to Betelgeuse VII, all ties with her parents, friends and brothers, are all gone. She is here completely alone, only with Nick and Edmond. This is now her family.
"Angela, why do you help me?" he asks again.
"Because you helped me with Wolfy", she answers.
This answer is the best she could find. Yes, he helped her with Wolfy. This underlines that she is a virtualophile and not interested into men. It is true, she wants to help him, but not go to bed with him. By far, no.
"For how long have you been painting your nails?" she asks him.
"Since I was much younger, I don't remember. I used to sit in a park and watch women's lips and toes for hours. At some point, police caught me. I got punished by my parents, then punished at school... and all my colleagues laughed at me. So, I decided to hide this from anyone".
"Why didn't you try to find a girlfriend? I mean, girls love make-up".
"It is not a girlfriend that I want", he continues. "It is that I have an addiction for feet and lips".
"So, you decided to paint your nails, wear ripped pantyhose and use lipstick", says Angela, with a smile. "Maybe, you want to become a transgender".
"No, not like that", he defends himself. "I mean, to have surgery and implants, this is too much for me. I am afraid even of an injection".
"But what about wearing a skirt and a female blouse?" she asks. "Isn't it better?"
"In public?"
"First, let's try in my or in your house, then in public, if you like it".
Edmond listens, amazed. Yes, there is a part of him that wants to, but another part is against, saying that it is bad for a man to be a woman. But, this is something he long wanted, only that, he never had the courage to purchase women clothes. He wanted to do this in his room, but he was never completely alone.
"Can you help me buy women's clothes?" he says.
"Not a problem. We do this tomorrow, but with one condition, that you will help me with Wolfy".
"Deal", answers Edmond, very surprised.
**********
The next day, they go to work at the garden. They plant more tomato seedlings. Nick works in the garden dressed as a man, without any problem. It looks like the old Natalia is gone, only her voice remained. Angela watches how she it works, dressed as a man, even if her birth gender is that of a woman.
"You see?" she whispers to Edmond. "Do you find anything bad with Nick? The same will be if you dress as a woman".
"I don't know", he says. "Maybe this is too much or too far for me".
"What do you two talk about?" asks Nick.
"Nothing important", answers Edmond.
"About how you transformed yourself from Natalia to Nick", says Angela. "If someone looks at you, even in Sirius, will say you are a man".
"Well, yes", says Nick. "Still, I need to make my breasts smaller, but using a tight bra does the trick. And in an Earth year, I noticed my breasts really are smaller. But still I need to wear a pillow, to look fatter".
"Or you should just try to get fat", suggests Edmond.
"No, much of the fat goes to the breasts and this is exactly what I don't want to do. But yes, I do want to get fatter. Well, I need to wait until my request for surgery and the use of hormones is accepted".
"There is one thing that makes you look like a man", says Angela with a laugh, looking at her trousers.
"Ah, yes", answers Nick, laughing. "I know it is not too polite, but it sure is convincing. This new one has a sensor and I can make it hard or shrink as I want".
"How is that possible?" asks Angela, surprised.
"When you want to make it hard, you squeeze it and release it fast. When you want to make it shrink, just let it alone or squeeze it continuously".
"Can you stroke it?" asks Edmond, laughing.
"Guess I can", answers Nick.
"I want to see that", says Angela, very interested.
Nick accepts and sits down, while the others are watching. She zips off her trousers, revealing men underwear, hiding a bulge. She shows them.
"It looks closely like the real thing", says Edmond.
Nick takes the 'thing' in its hand and squeezes it several times. It starts growing, slowly and continuously. While growing, it also pulsates. She zips her trousers back, allowing anyone to see the large bulge.
"Can it ejaculate?" asks Angela.
"Yes, but you have to fill it with some goo. Then, you have to squeeze its balls or use its remote".
Both Angela and Edmond look at the bulge that, as Nick waits nearly a minute, starts to shrink.
"Do you want one, Angela?" asks nick.
"Me? No. I am not into this".
"Edmond, you have one, the natural thing", continues Nick. "I don't ask you".
"Maybe he wants the female organ", says Angela, with a little smile.
Edmond opens big eyes. Is she going to tell Nick?
"There is one device", answers Nick. "It is called 'tutu' and covers a man's genitals, looking like a vagina. With it, a man can piss like a woman. But still, there is not enough space inside for an intercourse. There are larger ones, suitable for that job, but being large enough, they are visible. Wearing a tutu is a good idea for a man who wants to become a woman transgender".
Edmond watches this with large, opened eyes. Is Angela going to tell Nick the whole story? What is she up to now?
"I never knew", answers Edmond. "But isn't it too much?"
"Do you want one?" asks Nick.
"No", says Angela for him. "For the moment, he would like just to try some women clothes".
"Angela?" says Edmond, surprised and frustrated.
"That's simple", answers Nick. "You can use the online panels, but some staff might be in the shops around the town center".
"Angela, what the hell?" says Edmond, again.
"Please", answers Angela, "we are just trying to help you".
**********
After they finish work, Angela takes Edmond to the town center and choses a few clothes and accessories, then orders something from the online panels. They return to her home. She insists that Edmond must first shave his legs. Then, she personally paints his toe and finger nails in pink. Then, Edmond puts on a pair of opaque, shiny, skin colored pantyhose, the same type Angela is wearing. He puts on some knee-long trousers, exposing his pantyhosed feet. Then, as Angela insists, he takes fake breasts and glues them to his chest. And then, he adds a pink blouse. Good enough to look like a woman.
Angela also changes to knee-long trousers, letting him see her pantyhosed feet. Then, she applies him a thick layer of lipstick and she does the same to herself. And then, they both light a cigarette.
Edmond watches how his own filter gets colored by his lipstick, just as Angela's. He feels so excited to see this. His 'organ' also gets hard, as he gets horny watching this. He is also amazed to see his painted finger nails.
"I think you like this", she says.
"Yeah", he answers.
Angela looks at him and analyzes his body, from head to toes.
"One last thing you need", she says. "You need your hair painted. But before that, it must grow longer, so that you will properly look like a girl. But, I've seen many women with short hair. It's your decision. Mine, is losing color, so, I will need to paint my hair soon".
"I don't know what to say", he whispers. "Maybe it is too much for me".
"Maybe tomorrow. Now, can you help me with Wolfy?"
Edmond accepts and starts working. Only that, this time, he is too excited. He makes several errors in programming. Most then everything, he is confused by his fake breasts. Unused to them, he feels like something is stuck to his body. He wants to remove them, but, on the other hand, he likes it. He likes to be partially a woman.
**********
The next day, Edmond comes to work dressed like this. He looks scared, thinking about what others would say about this, but nobody looks like at something unusual. Only one man looks closely at his feet, as his pantyhosed feet shine in the red rays of light that Betelgeuse radiates everywhere. Angela is walking near him, dressed just like he is.
Nick sees Edmond like this, but it does not comment anything at first. Nick is more interested in its garden then in their outfits. But, when they decide to stop and have a cigarette break, Nick looks closer and says:
"You look close to what a woman should look like. If you feel comfortable this way, there is one more step to complete: Let your hair grow, then paint it".
"You like me dressed like this?" he asks.
"For me, the only thing that matters is that you feel well. So, if you want to be a woman, it's fine for me. Only one thing you have to keep in mind: that neither Angela, nor me, are interested in a relationship with you".
"I am not", says Edmond. "I have no plan to do that".
**********
After work, Edmond goes back to Angela's house, where he tries again to improve Wolfy. He now checks other functions, until he can see a hidden button: masturbation. Angela wanted to hide this, but Edmond managed to reach this function before she had a chance to do something. Wolfy kneels in the center of his gym and takes his pants off. Then, he starts stroking a giant 'organ' saying: "You like it? Do the same".
"This is not how guys do it", says Edmond. "First of all, the 'thing' is not as rigid as iron. You have to be more gentle".
"There is no way I could know exactly", answers Angela.
She likes watching Wolfy doing this, but on the other hand, she does not like Edmond to find out what she is doing in her intimacy. We are on Betelgeuse, but, however, there must be a limit to everything. Edmond improves the way Wolfy moves, making Angela horny. Well, Edmond makes some things that are impossible in nature. For example, now, Wolfy is able to inhale some smoke from a cigarette through his 'organ' and blow it like an ejaculation. Edmond improves his movement, speed and amplitude, creating complex gestures. More even, he makes Wolfy to also change his way of looking.
Angela looks so amazed, her eyes are wide-open and she feels more and more horny, looking at this. She lights a cigarette, as Wolfy is also smoking hard. But Edmond is also amazed, watching Angela as she holds the cigarette in her mouth and takes fast drags of smoke. Her feet are very close to his, so that, at some point, they touch. Edmond stops working on Wolfy and is looking more at himself and at Angela. Again, his 'organ' is hard and twitches.
Angela realizes this. She can see the bulge in his short trousers, but she is too impressed to see her Wolfy. She needs nothing more.
"One extra thing is needed", she says. "Can you make Wolfy have a bulge in his pants, that sometimes grows and sometimes shrinks? Like the toy Nick has?"
Edmond remains like after an electroshock. She seen his bulge? He tries to hide it, but his short trousers are skinny, girly style, elastic. There is no way to hide it. Well, he re-programs Wolfy and makes this possible. Even more, he makes Wolfy to touch himself from time to time. The truth is that Angela clearly observed the bulge, but she was too excited to see her lover like this.
She comes closer to the computer and moves Wolfy to another room of his castle, where she makes him smoke a huge, giant cigarette, so large that it hardly fits in his mouth. She also lights two cigarettes and inhales both at the same time. For Edmond, this is too much. He also tries to smoke two at a time, but at the same time, he wants to keep a hand above his 'organ' hoping that Angela will not see. The thinking that he does what a woman does, that he looks like a woman and the fact that he can see her lips and her toes, is just beyond any limit.
"I never imagined I will be so addicted to smoke", whispers Angela, keeping one cigarette in each hand.
Then, watching Edmond, how he tries to keep one hand above his things, she says:
"Stop hiding. Just make yourself comfortable!"
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Do what Wolfy did before".
Edmond listens to her and pulls his trousers, revealing his pantyhosed crotch. Then, he starts stroking. Unable to resist, Angela does the same thing. She uses her fingers. She hasn't enough time to pick any toys. Both reach an orgasm in only a few seconds, a very powerful one, so that they need a minute to recover.
**********
The next day, the two go each one to its own home, after work. Edmond is so fascinated by his new female outfit, that he goes directly to an online panel in the center and commands a dress and paint for his hair. He starts to get used with his fake breasts and buys a bra. But, most then everything, he is so delighted to have his toes and his lips painted and exposed in public. He wears open-toe shoes and often looks down to his own feet. About his lips, he starts to make an obsession about adding lipstick and looking in a mirror.
About Angela, her life also changes. A woman in all aspects, but a virtualophile, she is happy that she made Edmond make a happy turn in his life. Only that, she also becomes a chain smoker. Her addiction grows because of Wolfy.
As time passes, the two move together and live together. Even if in others' eyes they seem to be a family, things are far more different. They are the closest friends, but not in love one with each other. It is only a very powerful friendship. Still, after some time, they decide to have sex together... and they find out that the pleasure is less then one percent of what they feel when using their toys.
**********
After four more Earth years, things change further. Natalia no longer exists. Nick receives an approval to its request and undergoes surgery. Its breasts are removed and its vagina closed, replaced with a penis made from skin and tissue of himself, applied over a hardened silicone structure. Nick starts using hormones and this transforms its voice into that of a man.
Edmond is now called Eda and looks like a woman. He refused to submit a request for surgery and use of hormones, so his body remains that of a man. But, with glued fake breasts and a tutu, he is a she. Edmond - Eda lives in the same house with Angela and people consider themselves a family. They even have a small child, made artificial. They are planning another one. Wolfy is still in the computer and has received many upgrades.
For people in other parts of the galaxy, the stories of Natalia - Nick, Edmond - Eda, Angela and Wolfy would look very strange and unacceptable. Well, on Betelgeuse VII, everyone has a similar story to tell, of a world that rejected them before and then of a world where they found themselves.
The only problem is that, even if nobody knows it yet, Betelgeuse is going to die. Soon, things will change. But for now, everyone is enjoying this paradise, under the red light of a supergiant.
A trip of a diplomatic mission to Betelgeuse VII.
Who is the ISTC? It is the Interstellar Transgender Consortium, the largest and most powerful transgender organization in the galaxy. Their history starts in the early 2000's, before the space era. At that time, there was an organization, created by LGBT people, to fight for their rights. But soon, transgender people found out that the organization does not clearly represent them. And yes, it was not quite for them. It represented only the interests of homosexual people, not that of transgender people or other rare sexual minorities, who were considered mental illness.
The point is that, in 2100, when space colonization started, the ISTC was formed and had an embassy on Moon, one on Mars and one in Jupiter System. From that point, the ISTC existed on its own, as an independent organization, unassociated but friendly to other associations. So, ISTC exists for over 900 Earth years. All this time, it fought for the rights of transgender people, for their integration in local societies and for equal rights to other citizen. From all transgender organizations, it is the strongest, the longest lived and the only one that has coverage in the whole galaxy.
Since 2977, the head of ISTC is Samantha Orleans. Her life is entirely dedicated to transgender people. She was born as a man, Abdullah, as the son of a very rich Muslim dictator. that ruled his planet in an extremist way. Abdullah went to a very good university on Barnard's Star, where he abandoned everything. He cut all ties with his former family and took a new name, quitting school and starting to work in buildings, interior decorations. At that time, he was Sam Orleans.
His father wanted to kill him, but, miraculously, he survived 3 assassination attempts. Then, once he earned some money, he decided to go further. First with cross-dressing, then with the use of hormones, he started to look like a woman, but still had the identity of a man. He lost his job and started to work in a night club. Falling from the son of a sultan to a sissy was very hard. People rejected him/her and laughed. Sam was bitten often by his former coworkers. Nevertheless, the decision to become a woman was stronger then anything. So, slowly, he managed to earn enough money for surgery. Getting breast implants was the first step. The second, a surgery to reverse gender, was illegal in Barnard's Star, but like anywhere in the Universe, bribery does miracles. Only that, the operation was not quite successful, it infected and was very painful.
Without any money, Sam, now a woman in all aspects but still with the name of a man, had no choice then to prostitute, to get some money to survive. It was very hard. Still, after some time, she managed to emigrate to Lacille, a star system where papers are not required. She presented herself as Samantha Orleans... and got an identity card with this name. This is the moment when Samantha was officially recognized as a woman.
However, her story does not end here. She worked in a factory, earned some money and built her own factory, producing silicone implants for breasts. She joined the ISTC as a formality, to increase sells for her implants, but soon, she became an active member. She then became an ambassador, or more exactly a person that actively goes to dictators and governments and fights for the rights of transgender people.
During one trip, she was kidnapped by the pirates in UV Ceti, who raped and tortured her. They placed her in a body farm, but soon found out that she is sterile and sold her as a slave to Proxima Centauri. She managed to escape and returned to the organization. For her efforts to help transgender people, which in some places were forced to emigrate and in others were subjects to public execution, she was awarded the Galactic Prize Of Peace.
Now, she is 70 Earth years old and very active.
The ISTC was surprised by the new terraformed planet Betelgeuse VII and the fact that so many people go there. Even more, the organization has no embassy there. So, Samantha Orleans decides to make a visit personally. She does not know what to expect, only is surprised that a whole planet, dedicated to transgender people and rare sexual minorities, can exist, without the ISTC or any organization getting implied. It all happened so natural, that the whole world was shocked.
She arrives to Betelgeuse VII and asks for an audition to the elected dictator, Caligula IV, who owns the title as Queen Of Betelgeuse, like the dictators who were before her. On the way here, she had plenty of time to read the constitution, personally written by Caligula I. She had also time to visit the memorial park, built in his memory. Now, she enters the palace, which is the only government building. It is in fact just a large house. At the entrance, there are small statues of dictators who reigned before: Caligula 2nd which was a transgender man and Caligula 3rd which was a transgender woman. The building holds only a few desks and those who work there don't seem busy.
Samantha, waiting for her audience, writes on her notes: Betelgeuse. A star near the end of its life and a civilization that is just getting born. Unlike other planets, I don't see huge statues built in remember of their founders, just a small park, built after Caligula I's death. The government is extremely small, like an embassy. There is no parliament, there is no ministry and I seen no other institutions. In the capital city, there is even no town hall, no mayor, just the elected sheriff living in its own house. The state is ruled by an elected dictator with nearly absolute powers, but, after its five Earth years of power, is judged in public for all its actions. The law, Caligula 1st's constitution, is respected and all what de dictator decides is made public. Everything done here is filmed live, so that anyone can see. Even more, two dictators were transgender people. It is probably the first time in history when a transgender got such a powerful role.
The door opens and Samantha gets face in face with the dictator. She can see, before her eyes, a woman, at the age of 30, wearing a simple dress, sitting on an iron throne and with an iron crown on her head. There are two other people in the room, which is not large. Cameras film everything. There are online panels.
"How can I help you?" says Caligula IV.
"Your highness, I am Samantha Orleans, president of the ISTC".
"Interstellar Transgender Consortium, I heard a lot of things about you. Feel welcome", the dictator answers with a smile on her face.
"We are pleasantly surprised by your new state and the fact that so many new settlers come here every day".
"Well, this is because people live happy here", she says, lighting a cigarette.
"We would like to open an embassy here, if you like".
The dictator looks a bit puzzled, then answers:
"According to the constitution, Betelgeuse VII is a free state. We have a neutral position and we will never get implied in external policy. However, we are friendly with anyone. Your request does not violate any law in our constitution, so, feel welcome".
"I heard that transgender people enjoy the same liberty as anyone else", says Samantha.
"Yes, that is true. You can see that two of our dictators were transgender people".
"But I also heard that you don't allow them to use hormones, have implants or undergone surgery".
"This is limited by the constitution", answers Caligula IV. "As you might know already, such transformations might have irreversible results, like the inability to have children, dependence of hormones and also the risks of cancer and infections. Anyone willing to transform its body, needs to subscribe a request, then wait for five Earth years for approval. This is to make sure that that person understands the consequences. There have been cases when a person wants to change back to its former gender, a thing that is very hard to do".
"I see", says Samantha, thinking about this subject. "I also know some cases, people willing to reverse transformation".
"Also, this is limited to a minimum age", continues Caligula IV. "You can see on our streets that even little children practice cross-dressing on a daily basis".
"Well, I didn't know that, but that is something I am here to do".
"If you want to visit our planet, feel welcome. I will give you a guide to help you. Feel welcome to go anywhere you want".
"Thank you, that will be very kind".
"If there is anything you need during your visit, please tell me. I will be happy to help".
"You are so kind... Thank you again".
"I will contact Astana, a close friend of mine. She will be your guide. Please, wait outside the room until she comes, I have many audiences today. Dismissed!"
Samantha moves on the short hall, waiting. She looks around. People come and go. It only takes half an hour until her guide comes. It's a small, young woman, with blonde hair, a yellow dress and flip-flops, emanating an unexplained joy. She looks and says, lighting a cigarette:
"Samantha Orleans? I am Astana East. I will be your guide".
"You?" she asks, very amazed. "Where are we going, child?"
"Anywhere you want".
"Are you instructed to take me on a tour?"
"No. I was expecting you to tell me what you want to see. The queen told me to let you decide and if not, told me to chose something at random".
"Now, that is something I never seen anywhere I were", says Samantha, amazed. "Usually, someone takes me on a tour, to avoid seeing certain things".
"We have nothing to hide", says Astana. "So, where should we go?"
"I would like to see the life of a family, to see people, to talk with them".
"Well, that is very easy. First, I will take you to my family. Then, we will take the first train we see and go to whatever town it goes to".
"Sounds fun to me".
Astana takes the old woman to her house. As they walk on the streets, Samantha notes: It took me only a few minutes to realize how amazing this place is. First, I seen two girls sitting on a bench, but it was clear that one of them was a guy. I could see the glued fake breasts rising from its dress. Then, I seen a woman talking on phone with someone else, but her voice was that of a man. It took me another minute to see a woman dressed in a men's costume, with glued mustache. It was so obvious that beneath the clothes it was a woman and not a man. And all this looks so natural. They are not hiding and others are not laughing about this. And there is something else. As it looks, every parcel is equal and all roads are identical. They intersect, forming perfect squares. It is a sign of egality between people.
They go to Astana's home, a yellow building with nothing special, surrounded by some vegetation. She opens the door and does the presentations:
"She is Samantha Orleans, an ambassador from far away. This is my husband, Thor. These are our children, Angel and Angela".
"Nice to meet you", they answer.
Samantha looks careful. Thor is dressed like a woman, with fake breasts and a long dress, reaching to ground. About the little children, they look like tweens.
"Is Thor a he or a she?" asks Samantha.
"I should be a man", he answers, but with a voice that sounds a bit like that of a woman. "I am a castrato. Over time, my voice tends to become like that of a woman, so I prefer to behave like one".
"Castrato?" asks Samantha, not understanding.
In the old times, 'castrato' were teens castrated from a young age, to preserve their juvenile voices and sing in the opera. Today, a 'castrato' is a male slave who has its genitals removed.
"He was born like a man, but was captured by pirates. He spent some time in UV Ceti as a slave, where they castrated him, then sold him to my dad, before we emigrated to here".
"They completely removed my genitals, everything", answers Thor. "This is why Astana chosen me".
"I am an asexual" she answers.
"Then, how is that you have children?" asks Samantha very surprised.
"Genetic engineering", answers Thor. "DNA samples were token from both, then inserted in two sample cells from our body. Basically, they are mixed clones of us, grew in incubators".
"I am a virgin", continues Astana. "And I have a strong repulsion to anything related to sex".
Samantha watches how the two light a cigarette. Even the children, which appear to be around 7, are also smoking. Astana comes with a glass of milk and some cookies.
"An asexual and a castrato", she says. "Rare sexual minorities".
"Mariella, oh well, Caligula IV, our dictator, is a sfenist".
"As I see, this is more a planet for rare minorities then for transgender people", says Samantha.
"You see", continues Astana, blowing a cloud of smoke through her small lips, "nobody talks about us. We are discriminated and rejected from anywhere. This is our home".
"Is there any census, are there any official data about population structure?"
"Depends on what you want", continues Astana. "If you want the total population and the age, it is official, but data like gender, orientation, religion and even the name you chose, is confidential. Identity cards only have your identity number, your address and some biological parameters on".
"But why?"
"Because this ensures freedom. The freedom to be who and what you want".
**********
After a short visit to Astana's house, Samantha wants to make a trip around. There are hovering cars on Betelgeuse, like anywhere in the galaxy. The richest have flying vehicles or their own spaceships, but most of people prefer to travel by train between towns, walking inside each town. So, they go to the train station, which is pretty small and take the first train that comes. Each train is automated, with no pilot and on each route there is one at every hour. There are two types of trains: some that travel at 1500 km/h, on special lines, connecting remote areas, while others, slower, connect towns at a maximum of 1000 km. The first to come is a slow one. It is a single wagon that will travel with 150 km/h. Towns are placed at 20 to 30 km each.
As the train departs, the first thing Samantha notices is the landscape. Not far from the capital, which is just a town, there are large forests. A wilderness. Betelgeuse shins above, big and surrounded by its purple haze of ejected gas. Sometimes, you cannot see anything but trees. Then, as the railway crosses a river, the landscape changes for a few seconds. It is clear that this planet is recently terraformed. Rivers did not have time to stabilize their valleys. There are many waterfalls, alternating with marshes and lakes. Sometimes, high stones rise from the flat ground, all illuminated in the red light that Betelgeuse reflects anywhere.
The first stop comes at 25 km, a town named Ever Lasting Dream. Samantha watches how some people get in the train, while others get out. She looks amazed and writes on her electronic notepad:
We took the train. It is the best way to see people, to talk with them, to listen them. On a nearby bench, I see a virualophile talking with an eterophile. They talk about planting pepper seeds. Behind me, there are two cross-dressers, both girls if I judge by their voices, talking with a sfenist guy about weather. I must confess that I've never seen something like this in my whole life. From the first station where we stop, some children also got in the train. Judging by their ages, they must be born here. For them, more then for anyone, cross-dressing is so natural, like walking and sitting on a chair.
The train then climbs a hill and reaches to a large dam. From there, the railway follows the lake for a few km. On one side, there are rocky mountains or hills that reflect in the water, while on the other, the terrain appears flat and covered with forest. Samantha does not say a word. She listens people in the train, to get an idea about their way of life. From time to time, Astana talks. Then comes a new stop, the town of Dryland Spring, surrounded by hills. On one of the hills, there is a factory. The train starts moving again through pastures and grain crops. There are small gardens on the way. Then, comes a long tunnel, followed by a high bridge over a deep valley and another tunnel. After this, Samantha is amazed by the landscape. It is a large lake, encircled by mountains. Rocks are unusually white, with a reddish reflection from the star. The lake appears violet. And then, after another tunnel, the train enters another depression, with more flat land, a small lake in the middle and another town. This is Zip City. Here, Samantha wants to get down and explore.
As she gets out from the train, she remarks that all the streets look the same. They are all parallel, intersecting with other parallel streets, forming squares. In each square, there are four house parcels.
"This town looks similar to the capital", she says.
"All towns look the same. This is our settling program, to offer the same start to all newcomers".
"I like that, but on the other hand it is a bit boring".
"Not for me", answers Astana, lighting another cigarette.
Samantha watches children going home and people on the streets. Astana takes her to the town center, a concrete square surrounded by a few shops and pubs. Not much, as she can see. There are benches, so they both sit. Astana lights another cigarette, while Samantha starts to talk with other people. At first, she doesn't say who she is. When she does that, the responses shock her:
"We don't need anything, let us live as we do".
"Don't tell me how you want things to be".
"Why don't you build your own planet?"
"Listen, grandma, why don't you order a beer and leave us alone?"
Samantha notes in her diary: People love this place. They respect themselves and their way of life. And they don't want anyone from the outside to interfere with them. If you act like one of them, they all treat you as a close friend, but if you show you are an outsider, they reject you.
From all I've seen, they came here with deep scars from their past. They try to hide their wounds, but tell about them to any newcomer, to help. I never encountered one single person that was not abused or at least forced to behave different before coming here. It is this hidden pain that keeps them together. It is the will to have a normal life, accepted as any other citizen, that motivated them to come here.
As far as I can see, none of them have heard about ISTC or another organization. None of them are members. And somehow this makes sense. I first expected to see many homosexuals here, but it is all wrong. In fact, I encounter people belonging to minorities that nobody talks about and usually are considered mental diseases. There is almost no organization that recognizes or represents them. When they found an opportunity, they all came here. Nobody helped them and they don't want anyone to disturb them.
Then, Samantha looks at the children. Surprisingly, there are many and they seem to pay no attention to her.
The free state of Betelgeuse VII is relatively new. The ISA base was opened in 2996 and now it is 3009. It passed 13 Earth years since the planet was terraformed. With this value, I assume that a significant part of the children are born here. They are so different from other children I know. more polite, but in the same time having more freedom, they seem to find the world they grow in, even more normal. Cross-dressing is something they get used with from a very young age and find it the normal way things should be.
However, there is one thing that I don't understand at all. Everyone here seems to be smoking. There is no smoking ban at all, even for children, which smoke together with their parents just like in other places children are eating candy. I don't get it, but after what I've seen, I don't argue with these people.
Astana doesn't stop here. Each town has a dam, built to provide the community with water and electricity. There is a lake and close to it a forest. This is the point where people go and hangout. So, she takes Samantha to the lake.
"I've never imagined to see this", says Samantha. "You, people, live in paradise".
"When I came here, I mean when me and Thor came here, we felt like moving from purgatory to paradise".
"That is true, Astana. Compared to the life of other people like you, outside Betelgeuse..."
"It all depends. We come from Epsilon Eridani".
"There is better then in other places. But still, I heard about people rejecting transgenders".
"No, it is not like that" says Astana, filling her lungs with smoke. "People reject obscene. Also, people make a confusion, associating transgenders with gay people. They are different things. I've seen gay people licking each other's face in public. that is obscene. Also, I've met transgenders working as whores around a brothel. You've seen Thor. He would never accept to do something like that. Obscene is rejected, decency is accepted".
"Perhaps you're right, but still many don't have any choice. When I was younger, people rejected me and I had to prostitute, to survive".
"Yes, but you passed that phase and fought for human rights".
"Yes, I did".
"Well, some people never change. Some, just like to do obscene things and live their lives in a brothel".
Samantha does not answer. She knows very well the truth. Some do, some don't. As far, she found no brothel on Betelgeuse, no public nudity, no obscene gestures. Just people, living a normal life, working and being happy.
"Perhaps this is why so many people come here", she says, after a minute of silence.
"Yes, you got it right. A decent, normal life".
She continues writing her notes:
I remember a sissy, I took it an interview a few years ago. It was exactly the humiliation that it loves, to be bitten and insulted. During my trip here, I never found anything like that. By far, no. People respect each other and are friendly to each other.
I also remember the gay parade on EZ Aquarii. Many transgenders were there too. It all ended in a bloodbath, as 'natural' people started to beat them with stones and whatever they could find. I interviewed a protester and he told me: 'If they behave in public as we do, we have nothing against, but they provoke us'. After what I've seen here, on Betelgeuse, I am starting to understand that sometimes we are guilty and responsible for the fact that people reject us.
Arriving at the lake, Samantha is delighted to see people being happy. Teens hangout and around them love is in the air. Adults come with their children to a picnic. Some people sit on the rocky shore and fish. They all look happy and enjoy the time. On one side, there is a small sand beach, where some people take a sunbath, while a few take a swim in the lake. On the other side of the lake, some people ride hovering rolls through the forest. From distance, there is no way to tell what gender does each have.
"They seem so happy", says Samantha.
"Each town has a place like this", answers Astana.
"A part of my life went through my eyes as I sat here, Astana. I remember when I was a prisoner in UV Ceti, when I was bitten and tortured. There is no nature. They all live in spaceships and have no idea how beautiful nature is. But, even if you take one pirate from UV Ceti here, it will not understand the beauty of your world, because they simply cannot. If nobody told you how beautiful is a flower and you've never seen one, you will simply not understand its beauty when you accidentally find one".
"I don't get it. How could someone not realize the beauty of a flower?"
"I've been in UV Ceti and I know. I've seen them when they land on a planet and burn everything to rubble. You have to know that something is beauty to see it".
"Thor has been there and knows what a hell ass is that star system".
"Well, my point is a different one. This planet is a paradise, but only for people like you, who have suffered and want a peaceful life. Not everyone will be happy here. Some prefer a more obscene life. I mean, a pirate from UV Ceti will never like this place. Its life here will be like your life there, a nightmare. The same can be said about those gay people who were licking each one's faces and those transgenders working in a brothel".
"That's obvious", answers Astana, with a big smile. "And besides, who wants a pirate from UV Ceti here?"
Samantha does not finish her talking with Astana, but writes it down on her notes:
Betelgeuse VII is a paradise for those who love nature, for those who want to be treated equal, for those who want a new life. For those who have a BDSM, who are attracted by humiliation and who like obscene actions in public, this is not a good destination. It is all up to you, to decide if the life here is what you want or not. As for me, this clearly is the place where I want to spend the last days of my life.
**********
Astana guides Samantha back to the capital city. The old TG woman takes a ship back. Almost each day, a ship carrying 7500 people arrives here, but less then 10 people go back. Somehow, Betelgeuse convinces all to remain. The fact that each newcomer gets a small house and a parcel and mainly the fact that finding a job in a booming economy is so easy, convince people to stay. After a while, they adapt fast to the new way of life.
Inside the ship, Samantha leans in the cryogenic tank that will freeze her in liquid helium for the journey back, waiting to get asleep. She thinks about the world she leaves behind. "A unique society is getting born near a dying star". She falls asleep. All the 40 days, how long the journey takes, pass as a single second. She wakes with the same thought in her mind. "A dying star". She goes to a window at the orbital station where her ship arrived, in Alpha Centauri. There, she can see the dark sky with stars on it. And there it is! Betelgeuse, the red shoulder of Orion, is shining.
Samantha knows that paradises don't last forever. As for now, there is nothing that seems to endanger Betelgeuse VII. She looks at the star, remembering its reddish appearance, with its surrounding haze. Each day, about 8000 people go there. Each Earth year, about 3 millions settle to Betelgeuse. Let's add the newborn children and you get the math, how its population has reached 57 millions. And it is still growing.
"No, Betelgeuse! You will not explode. You will stay there. All those children need you as you are" she whispers.
She has no idea that soon things will change. That star will die and nobody has any idea about... yet.
The first children born on Betelgeuse VII have reached the age when they can submit a request for the use of hormones, body implants and transgender surgery.
It is the year 3026. Thirty years have passed since Betelgeuse VII was terraformed and it opened its doors for settlers. All this time, it became a paradise for transgender people and rare sexual minorities. At average, 3.1 million people settle here on each Earth year, but on the same time, many children are born too. About 90 million people settled here, but there are at least 60 million children. A survey in 3020 found out that from all who settled here, about 44% practice cross-dressing on a daily basis, that 71% practice cross-dressing at least once a week and that 97% got dressed as the opposite sex at least one. Also, an increasing part of those who came from somewhere else (27%) submitted a request for the use of hormones, implants and surgery, but only 17% have done this (more exactly, 3% went to complete transformations, 5% transformed their body without getting to surgery of their genitals and 8% only used hormones). The study also finds out that 2% of the population (that is, 12% of those who used hormones, implants or surgery) want to reverse the process.
Not the same can be said about children born here. From a very young age, as young as they can remember, they remember cross dressing as something natural. This is something common and normal for children before going to school and something practiced daily in schools. For teens, this comes very natural, so that they change clothes as they wish, even many times a day.
The same survey from 3026 found out that, among teens, 78% will submit the request for the use of hormones, body implants and surgery, 41% will go to complete transformations and the rest, 37%, will only go to limited transformations, up to the point where they are reversible. 22% said that they will not submit any request. The survey found out that from all teens, 64% consider themselves to be something between genders, 21% consider to like the gender they were born with and 15% that they identify themselves as the opposite gender they were born with.
With these unexpected results, a second survey was done, with other questions. The results were found to be the same. However, this one was done asking people about hermaphrodites. A hermaphrodite is a person that has elements from both genders. Results are that 38% of those who settled here like to be a hermaphrodite and 1% went to surgery, hormones or body implants to become one. About the teens born here, the results found out that an incredibly high number, 84% like the idea of being a hermaphrodite and 44% will request the use of hormones, implants or surgery to become one.
These results, alarming for any other places in the galaxy, were found normal in Betelgeuse VII. People seem to agree with them and like the idea.
However, there is a catch. Once a teen reaches the age of 20, it can submit a request, but, according to the law, it must wait five additional Earth years to get an approval. With other words, such changes cannot be made earlier then the age of 25. And here is the catch. While residents who settled here don't submit too many requests, those born here, once they reach the age of 20, seem to instantly go and submit one. It was found that 90% of them do this.
**********
Oceana is (or more exactly was) a girl, born on Betelgeuse VII very soon after the planet was terraformed. She always wanted to be a boy. Cross-dressing is something common here and she almost always wanted to wear boys' clothes. Then, as her breasts started to grow, she used a tight bra to limit their growing. She wanted people to call her 'Ocean' and consider her a man. From that moment, she became a 'he'. Ocean started to glue a mustache and a beard. He worn a fake penis, to form a bulge in his trousers. When boys started to change their voice, he tried to speak like them. Even more, he always used to hangout with guys, played football with them and even tried to seduce girls. It is not that Ocean was attracted by girls, it was that he wanted to be a guy in all aspects.
As he reached 20 Earth years, he went to submit a request. Then, came five long-waiting years. He counted almost each day. Ocean was so determined to be a man, that he tried to cheat, to offer bribery for some limited transformations... but all failed and he got a fee to pay, together with the doctor who was willing to help.
Then came the day Ocean dreamed for years. The answer from his request came with a delay of four days, which made him extremely nervous. When he got the answer with an affirmative response, he showed it to all his friends, parents and neighbors. They all had a big party. His girlfriend, Laisa, which has the body of a girl but dresses as a man, was very happy.
The next day, Ocean goes to the doctors and says what he wants: to completely become a man. They prescribe him a treatment based on hormones. The first surgery will remove his breasts. Then, after some time, he will have his female genitals removed and replaced with reconstructed male ones.
The day when his breasts were cut was also a celebration. It was painful, like any other surgical intervention, but the joy was beyond any limits. As he took daily doses of pills and injections, his voice started to look closer to that of a man and his mustache and beard started to grow. It was no longer needed to wear fake ones. Now, anyone can see how hair really grows from his face.
**********
For a man to become a woman, it is required to remove the penis and build a vagina with the skin, teguments and all nerve terminations from the former phallus. Also, the testicles are removed. It is more simple, because you have to cut something and build a cavity with materials that you have.
For a woman to become a man, things are far more complicated, because you have to build something that doesn't exist. You have to replace a hole with an organ... and this is very hard. Various techniques exist: You can use ribs and cartilages to create the skeleton for the new penis, but this will make it much harder then in nature. Also, you can use muscle tissue or adipose tissue around the skeleton. The main problem remains how you make it get hard and get shrink. Many models exist that use a pump with fluids. After all, a real phallus actually gets hard by getting filled with blood.
Another major challenge is to replace all nerve terminations. The common way to do this is to use the former vagina. However, as the organ increases and decreases in size, not all teguments, nerves and tissues are able to cope with this and will be ripped.
There is another technology that now is largely used. Every human has embryonic cells in its body. If you extract a single cell and use a special treatment based on growing hormones, you can reconstruct internal organs. This technology has similar costs, but it requires far more time. It is largely used in surgery, to replace ill organs. Kidneys, lungs, hearts, livers, even arms and feet are created this way. What really is hard to do, is to connect the new organ with body's infrastructure: arteries, vines, nerves and lymphatic systems. If you replace an existing organ with a similar one, this is not so complicated, but if you add a new organ, it is difficult, because you also need to build inside the body the infrastructure that is lacking.
It took nearly an Earth year until Ocean had surgery again, removing its former vagina and adding a functional penis, with all the ingredients. However, he knows that from now on, he will be unable to have children.
**********
The following part is age-restricted.
As Ocean finishes surgery, he goes back home. Doctors instructed him that first it will be painful and that he has to work actively with his new organ. So, he goes home. But, things get interesting just as he leaves. His new penis starts to get hard because of his excitement. Only rubbing between trousers is enough to stimulate this. So, he has to stop a bit, waiting for it to shrink a bit.
Then, he starts moving again and manages to get home. On the train, it gets hard several times, apparently without a reason.
Finally, Ocean is home. He first goes to take a piss. By far, it is more easy then it used to be as a woman. No need to sit down, no need to hide when you are in public. No need to sit on a dirty toilette seat. So simple! Just unzip your pants and all comes so easy. Well, for now, it is a bit painful, but it will not be like that for long.
Then, he goes to his room. Laisa is not here yet. So, he takes his pants off, to admire himself in the mirror. He admires himself for a few minutes: a real penis, real testicles, his dream came true. Ocean starts touching it.
"What part of me is this?" he asks himself, feeling something new. The doctors used the nerves of his former vagina, but the feeling is so different. His body feels like it is part of his former clit and other internal parts, but still all is so confusing. The feeling is not inside, but outside the body.
Ocean feels how his new penis gets hard again. Even more, it twitches. "So easy", he whispers. When he was still a girl, he used to masturbate, but this was so difficult. He had to lean down and pierce his fingers deep. His favorite tool was the holder of a screwdriver. But now, it is so easy. No need to lean down, no need to stretch your body, just to hold this thing with one hand.
Before this, he watched many porn clips, to see how the real thing looks like and works. He watched clips with men masturbating. So, he gently starts to rub it with one hand.
"So nice", he whispers, feeling the pleasure.
Then, he moves faster and faster. The pleasure increases, but also he feels some pain. Well, it is the first time, things will change later. Doctors told him that there will be pain first.
It doesn't take much and he feels an increasing pleasure. Then, his whole body contracts and he blows for the first time sperm. This gets him unprepared, as the white fluid flows over the mirror and on the carpet.
That's all. There is no pleasure in going forward, but he feels his body exhausted. A much shorter and smaller orgasm. A pleasure much more easy to obtain, but that lasts far less. All what was needed is a hand and a few minutes.
**********
When Laisa, his girlfriend comes, she wants to see the new organ. Only that, Ocean is feeling pain and is unable to do anything again. However, the next day, she asks Ocean to lean on his back. She lights a cigarette and starts stroking him, gently and careful. It takes a few days until they can finally have intercourse. However, they both know that they will not be able to have children. To get this, they had to sacrifice something.
**********
The founder of Betelgeuse VII, Caligula I, had no way to predict how children born here will develop. He wrote his constitution, with restrictions for body transformations, because he wanted people to realize that beyond a certain limit transformations are irreversible. Well, for those who settled here, this limited the number of complete transformations, but for the young ones, born here and who find this normal and natural, things are completely different. The case of Oceana who became Ocean is not the single one.
Also, what nobody expected, is that many people will like to become hermaphrodites. The only problem is that the star, Betelgeuse, is going to die... and nobody has any idea about this.
What you whisper now, tomorrow people will shout from the roofs of their homes old proverb.
It is the year 3051. The free state of Betelgeuse has elections, as it has in every five Earth years. Every town choses its sheriff and the whole population votes to chose its ruler. The elected dictator will rule with nearly absolute powers for five Earth years. After that, it will be judged in a public trial for all what it has done. It is forbidden for the same dictator to return to politic life in any way.
Elections are electronic, everyone votes using the online panels that are in the center of every town. After the last vote is recorded, within minutes, come the result. With 48%, the new elected dictator is Ophelia Leon. Without any ceremony, the former dictator, Caligula XII (on its former name Angel Bennett) takes the iron crown from its head and gives it to Ophelia, which becomes Caligula XIII. They all wear the name Caligula after the man who terraformed Betelgeuse VII and wrote the constitution for the new state. It is a day for celebrations, but tomorrow the new dictator will start working.
It is important to remember that Betelgeuse VII is a paradise for transgender people and rare sexual minorities. Here, such people represent the majority. Caligula XII is a female transgender and a eterophile (a person who loves love itself, not a person or an object). Caligula XIII, on the other hand, was born as a woman and is a transgender hermaphrodite and an onanist. She is in love with its own body, not with someone else. Since it is hard to define the gender of a person here, the words he and she are usually replaced with the most simple form, it.
The rise of hermaphrodites in Betelgeuse VII started early, when the children born here, all used to practice cross-dressing from a very young age, reached the age when they can request the use of hormones, implants and surgery. A large number opted to transform their bodies, but also a significant part of them realized that they want to reverse the transformation. As a compromise, came the idea of hermaphrodites. Having both male and female organs, they can now live between both genders. Surprisingly, about 73% of teens accepted and wanted to transform their bodies this way. With smaller breasts and wearing both male and female organs, they can have it altogether. Also, by keeping the organs they were born with, they are still able to mate and have children.
Two days after taking power, Caligula XIII is in its room, on the iron throne, receiving audiences. It wears a long yellow and purple dress, reaching the ground. The form of its breasts is visible through the dress. Long black gloves covers its arms. Its hair is dark brown and long, with the old, iron crown on the head. This crown has been worn by all dictators. It always keeps an eye on the many online panels in the throne room, which allows it to see what is going on the planet and to contact any state employee anytime. Audiences take a lot of time. Each time the dictator considers that the solution was found, it says 'dismissed' and the next person waiting enters in audition.
Surprisingly, at the next audition, comes the former dictator, Caligula XII. It has short blonde hair and a short yellow dress, shiny pantyhose, high-heel yellow shoes and its arms full with bracelets.
"You?" says the ruling dictator, surprised. "What brings you here?"
"I will not start with 'your highness' since a few days ago I was on that throne. I am here for a more personal request".
"How can I help you?"
"Our first dictator, Caligula II, is dead. It died twelve days before the elections".
"Oh, I am very sorry. May peace be upon its soul. I think a funeral would be required".
"No, it is not about that", says the former dictator. "Caligula II will be buried by its own children, that was its will. But, it wanted the dictator in charge to take care about the remnants of its tree, that was burned before it came to Betelgeuse VII. There are a few personal things. Please, come after audiences to the Caligula memorial park".
"What is with the tree?"
"Caligula II was a panophile and that tree was its love. It wanted that after its death, the ruling dictator to burry the carbonized remnants of the tree".
"So, that is in the forbidden building, in the park".
"Yes, the remnants of the tree. I was too close to the elections and I had not the time to do its will".
"Ok, I get it", says the ruling dictator. "But shouldn't we do a large, public ceremonial for this?"
"Caligula II wanted it not to be public, we will just burry the tree and that's all. Please, come to the memorial park after the audiences".
**********
At evening, both dictators come to the park. They know that the press is somewhere around, trying to take a picture of what is going on. The whole planet would like to hear about Caligula II's secret love, about the dead tree that was kept secret for such a long time inside the forbidden building. They would like to take pictures from the inside, a thing that was never allowed.
So, they go inside the building and take a look. Yes, close to the entrance door, there is a piece of carbonized wood, placed on a glass support. But the building is far larger and there are many other things.
"Come here", says the former dictator. "It is not the wood that I wanted to show you, it is this. Look! These are the real results from the research Caligula I conducted on the sun. He lied us all. Betelgeuse will not survive 400000 years. It is about a few thousand years, as I can see".
"Are you serious? Show me!"
They go and look. On plasticized paper, all data is displayed. Measurements reveal that Betelgeuse has an inert core. Helium fusion has ceased in there. The star is awaiting to start fusing carbon, but this process lasts for only 600 years. Then, it will fuse neon, oxygen, magnesium and silicon, in a succession that will not last 30 years at all. And then, when all is converted to iron, the star will die in a supernova. The question that remains, is how long it will take until carbon fusion starts.
The former dictator shows plasticized paper, while the ruling one looks shocked at all data.
"Well, all this data is 100 Earth years old", says the ruling dictator. "And still it looks inaccurate. Maybe it is not as bad as it looks... or maybe it's worse. Maybe carbon fusion has already started and we don't know yet".
"If that is, we lave less then 600 Earth years from now".
They keep on looking on all papers, over and over, then look at two different measurements. One shows that there are 3 inert zones that separate 3 fusion areas. The inner core looks inert, followed by a fusion shell, followed by another inert zone and a second fusion shell, then a third inert area and a third fusion place. What can that be? Is the star fusing carbon already? Was Betelgeuse fusing carbon 100 ears ago? With an inert core waiting to fuse neon? Oh no! If that's the case, there are less then 20 Earth years left.
"What should we do?" they both ask, as they light a cigarette inside the dark, cold room.
"First thing I want is to find out what the truth is", says the ruling dictator. "I want to talk with an expert in stellar evolution and do some measurements. But all must go unofficial. If anyone finds out, it will be a powerful shock wave".
"I wanted to do the same, but I had only twelve days left. So, I prefer to handle it to you".
"I don't think I can handle all this. I need your help. You know that I am monitored. I will try to divert some funds to you but you have to do the work".
"Not a problem. I am willing to help".
Both dictators exit the building, carrying the carbonized wood fragment. The press films it all.
"Are we allowed to film inside the building?" asks one reporter.
"No, not now", answers the ruling dictator. "The building will be opened for public, but not now. We have to burry the tree in a forest, where other trees will grow from its ash".
**********
The following is a crash-course introduction to stellar evolution.
What is actually going on inside a bright star like Betelgeuse? At first, like any star, it was fusing hydrogen into helium, in the core. Most of the lifetime of a star is spent in this phase.
Then, comes the subgiant phase, when there is no more hydrogen in the core and the star is fusing hydrogen in a shell surrounding the inert core. As fusion occurs closer to the surface, the star gently increases its brightness, but not too much. As long as the inert core is small enough, it can be heated by the surrounding hydrogen flame.
Each star loses part of its energy with the help of a small subatomic particle, the neutrino. The Sun loses less then 3% of its energy because of this. All stars produce a certain amount of neutrino. Usually, they are produced when a proton merges with an electron to form a neutron, but, if the temperature is high enough, neutrinos are produced in many other ways. Basically, they steal some of the heat in the core. Neutrinos travel through matter without interacting much with it. They travel from the core of a star through its outer layers and even through nearby planets unnoticed. Nobody feels their effects, except for high-tech detectors.
It is the neutrinos that cool the inert core of a star. Without this energy loss, the core would survive for far longer, heated by the surrounding shell.
When the core reaches a critical mass, it cannot be heated by the hydrogen fusing shell. So, it contracts, increasing its inner pressure and temperature, until helium starts fusing into carbon. Helium fusion requires a much higher temperature then hydrogen fusion. Because of this, the core will radiate far more heat, so the reaction must go on faster, to keep the core hot enough, preventing its collapse. However, one kg of helium produces only one tenth the energy produced by one kg of hydrogen. And because helium fusion has to occur much faster, it lasts far less time. The increased heat in the core forces hydrogen fusion to occur also on a higher rate. Overall, the star radiates a lot more heat and it inflates, becoming a red giant (or supergiant, in case of Betelgeuse). On the other hand, not 3% but roughly 10% of energy is lost through neutrinos.
A human, knowing that it has less energy, will try to conserve it. Well, in case of stars, things go right the opposite way. Helium produces 10% the energy hydrogen produced, but it lasts for only 1% that time, because it is fused much faster and the star radiates far more heat.
At first, helium is fused into carbon, but as there is less helium available, it starts to combine with carbon and forms oxygen, at higher temperatures. This can be seen as the star gently increases its brightness and size.
But, then, the core runs out of helium and is made of carbon and oxygen. Still, surrounding the core, there is a helium fusion shell, surrounded by a layer of inert helium, then by a shell where hydrogen is fused. For a while, the inert core is still heated by the surrounding shell, but not forever. Neutrinos carry the heat out from the core, so, when the helium fusion shell is too far away, there is no heat reaching through.
At some point, the inert core contracts until it reaches the pressure and temperature needed for carbon fusion. Carbon is fused into neon and magnesium, releasing far less energy then helium. Again, because the core is a lot hotter, it radiates more and requires more energy to remain hot. Carbon would be enough to keep the core hot for a few thousand years, but much of the energy is lost through neutrinos. So, the star has to fuse more carbon to compensate the loss. As a result, the process lasts for only 600 years. During this phase, the core produces more energy and forces the surrounding helium and hydrogen fusion shells to expand. However, because carbon fusion is short lived, the star does not increase its brightness too much. So, there is almost no way to know if carbon is fused inside, by only looking at the outside.
When carbon is almost exhausted, it fuses with oxygen or neon, but this process is short lived. Then, fusion continues in a shell surrounding the inert core, containing oxygen, neon and magnesium.
It can be said that a giant star has 3 lives. During the first life, it fuses hydrogen, during the second it fuses helium and during the third it fuses carbon. But the end is not quite here. The core contracts again until it reaches temperatures needed to fuse neon into oxygen and magnesium. This new fusion lasts for only one year, because almost all the energy is lost through neutrinos. Again, the core contracts and fuses oxygen into silicon. Oxygen would produce enough energy to keep the star alive for a thousand years, but most is lost as neutrino radiation, so it lasts less then an year. Finally, magnesium is fused into oxygen and silicon (while produced oxygen is also fused into silicon), but this will only last a few weeks. All these processes end-up with a massive production of silicon.
Finally, the core contracts one last time and starts to fuse silicon into iron. But, even if the reaction would produce enough energy, neutrino production is so high that all silicon in the core is fused in only one Earth day, hardly delaying the inevitable. Then, the core tries to contract again, to transform iron into something else, but this time, it consumes energy instead of producing it. The star is doomed and a supernova is on its way.
When the core of a star runs out of carbon, there is little time left. If we count the time when the core is heated by its nearby fusing shells, the time when nuclear reactions occur and the time when it is contracting, overall, there cannot be more then 15 years from when neon fusion starts until supernova. Also, the inert carbon core cannot survive for more then 100 years before neon fusion starts.
**********
They burry the tree fragment in a forest, in an unknown place, just as Caligula II wanted to happen. Both dictators decide to meet tomorrow evening in a secluded place and work for a solution.
That night, Caligula XIII, the dictator in charge, cannot sleep. What can be done? How can you see what is going on inside a star? Outside, the sky is illuminated by auroras, like always. The powerful solar wind impacts planet's magnetic field and creates bright colors in the night sky. It lights a cigarette, then another one. Then, comes with a solution. Is there a person that can be trusted? Is there anyone that can do the work without telling anyone and not get public attention?
Finally, the sky changes color in red, as dawn is approaching. The dictator remembers the only person which is worthy for such a mission: its brother, Delta, who also undergone body transformation and is a hermaphrodite. It writes a letter on a disk, with the instructions required. Delta has a huge passion for Astronomy. Since they were children, they used to talk for hours about stars and planets. Delta always argued that there are many mineral resources on the asteroids in Betelgeuse system and that mining them would be a far cheaper and less harmful alternative for the environment then mining resources on the planet itself.
Early in the morning, it calls its brother, saying: "Come to the first hour for an audience, it is important". So, it comes and listens how Caligula XIII gives short instructions:
"You always said that mining the asteroids will be a better option for our world. My predecessor had this plan, but had not the time to develop it. So, it is now all up to me. I give you this disk with some instructions. Also, I give you funding to carry on your measurements. Go and start as fast as you can. The former dictator, Caligula XII, will join you, for further briefing. Once you live this building, you go to its house with the disk and start working. Dismissed!"
Without any questions, Delta goes to Caligula XII's house and knocks at the door, having no idea what this could be. The door opens and the former dictator, with a yellow dress on, appears. Delta is dressed with a short black dress, short black hair, black sun glasses and open-toe flat shoes.
"Greetings! I am Delta, brother of Caligula XIII. My sister gave me this disk and told me to work with you in asteroid mining".
"Please call me Angel", says the former dictator. "Let's see what is on the disk".
They both look, but Delta has a scared face.
"You mean, the sun will explode soon? Oh mine! If that happens, we are all doomed! What should we do?"
"Delta, we don't know anything yet, but we have to find out soon".
"I know".
"Well, if the sun is getting ready to explode, what can we possibly do to save it?"
"Nothing. There is no way we could do something. And even if it were, we lack the technology. Basically, the sun is running out of fuel. If we somehow manage to insert hydrogen in its core, all its energy will be lost through neutrinos. It will only delay its death by a few years... if things are as seen here. And piercing all the way to the dense core, at huge temperatures and pressures, is almost impossible. But first, we need to do some measurements, to see what is going on inside".
"How can we do that, Delta?"
"There is only one subatomic particle that can pierce through matter, even through stars and planets. That particle is the neutrino. Basically, we have to build a neutrino telescope to look at what Betelgeuse is throwing at us, since all stars produce neutrinos. Each fusion reaction comes with its own neutrino emission, which can tell us what is going on there. Also, we can build a neutrino emitter in space and send a jet of particles through the star, to the telescope. By analyzing how they change energy and are diverted, we know what is inside the star. Well this is the theory, but in practice, such telescopes and emitters are rare and only used by a few scientific corporations. There is almost no other way to see inside a star".
"Well, this is our only chance. Do it! No matter how much it costs, do it!"
**********
Since there is no technology like that on Betelgeuse VII, the only way is to contact someone from another place. If Delta decides to go to the Old World, where most of settlers come, people will find out and will prefer not co come here. So, Delta looks to the Pleiades. There, a powerful empire has colonized and terraformed hundreds of planets. Maybe, they have the technology. And why not? It is there, in places unconnected with the Old World, that cutting-edge technology is developed without the rest of the Universe even knowing it. So, Delta goes to its sister, dictator Caligula VIII, to request money and a fast spaceship for the trip. The deal is accepted.
TO BE CONTINUED
The path to haven is paved with thorns and shrimps, while the path to hell is paved with delightful temptations (words from a wise man).
For over 50 Earth years, Betelgeuse VII has been a paradise for transgender people and rare sexual minorities. More and more people came and settled there, making children, which took cross-dressing and body transformations to a level beyond anything that was seen before. But now, everything seems endangered by a violent incident, the death of a star. Betelgeuse is getting old and might soon explode in a supernova, destroying everything that exists. In an attempt to save something, the ruling dictator, Caligula XIII, sent her brother, Delta, to seek help in the Pleiades Empire. This powerful state, owing over a hundred terraformed planets, is able to provide the technology to look inside a star and seek for a new planet elsewhere, to terraform. This might be the only chance.
Caligula XIII was born as a woman and Delta as a man, but once they reached the age required, they opted for body transformations, to become hermaphrodites, like many other teens in Betelgeuse. In their world, this is something natural and normal, but in the Pleiades, this is forbidden.
Delta knows this well. In the Pleiades, homosexual people face imprisonment or public execution, while transgender people face similar punishments. So, since he was a man, he decided to get dressed as one, hiding his small breasts. The fast dictatorial spaceship takes him in seven days to Pleiodium, the imperial planet, which orbits the star Merope.
Once on the surface, he looks at the sky. The star appears small, blue-white and very bright. It hardly can be seen as a small disk on the sky, but its light is so bright that hurts the eyes. The strong ultraviolet radiation makes him feel dizzy almost immediately. The luxurious spaceport, used for diplomats, clearly shows the richness of the empire. The main building has all its interior walls covered with gold, silver and gem stones. Robots come and serve everyone with exotic drinks and food. Well, he doesn't want this. He looks at the people around, carried in luxurious floating chairs covered with platinum foil and diamonds. He is the only one walking. And he wants to smoke a cigarette. Smoking is something so natural on Betelgeuse. He started this at a very young age with his sister, probably when they were 3. Too young to remember. Well, here, things are different. Smoking is forbidden in many public places.
People seem disgusted to see him, walking like this, with a suitcase and without a servant. But, there is no time to left. The star might have less time left then he expects.
So, he goes to the first information point and tells an officer why is he here. It doesn't take much until he is escorted to the Diplomatic Center, a division of the Foreign Ministry. A flying car comes and takes him.
On the way, Delta is amazed by the luxury these people live in the capital. There are huge palaces, higher then a kilometer, covered with glass and gold, that make you look at them the whole day. Streets are made of glass and beneath them you can see colorful fish swimming. In other parts, beneath the streets, there is a jungle, with trees, monkeys and other wild animals. Trees are also growing even on the highest buildings. Statues are everywhere, made of a white or purple rock.
The car lands at the Diplomatic Center. There, he has to wait for an audience, that will take place soon. Someone will come and pick him. He feels so desperate the need to smoke, so he looks around and finds a shop, then lights a cigarette. It doesn't pass ten seconds and a small flying robot comes, takes the cigarette and says:
"According to article 41524, smoking in public is forbidden. The fee is 150 PC".
The robot instantly takes money from his card. 150 Pleiades credits. Surprisingly, their currency is equal with the Betelgeuse credits. Well, someone advices him to go and smoke in a certain place, in a room. Then, Delta returns to wait. Well, finally, someone comes and invites him to talk with an official.
Delta looks at the luxurious room, with a desk made of rare wood, with chairs made of sculpted rock and with the walls covered with gold and silver foil. At the desk, there is a man in black costume, that asks shortly:
"Who are you?"
"I am Delta Edc, brother of Caligula XIII, the ruling emperor of Betelgeuse VII".
The man looks on a screen, for additional data, then says:
"Betelgeuse? Let me see..."
"I came to hire an expert in stellar physics", answers Delta.
Suddenly, the man is repulsed, almost like wanting to throw-up. He looks at the screen, then at Delta, trying to move away.
"Can you move closer to the door? Are you gay?"
"No, I am not", answers Delta.
"A paradise for transgender people and rare sexual minorities", mumbles the man. "People like that should burn in the flares of a star!"
Delta twitches but manages to hide his gesture. First, he is people like that. Second, this is what will happen, Betelgeuse will explode sooner or later.
"So, tell me, what do you want from us?"
"I want to hire an expert in stellar physics and to purchase a neutrino telescope".
"That would be easy, but I doubt that anyone would like to go to such a shithole like the one you came from".
Delta is disgusted by these words. This man just called Betelgeuse VII a shithole? Is this how people treat us? What is this? Is that the way to treat a diplomat, after all?
"Tell me where I could find what I need and I will see", answers Delta short.
"No problem, just wait outside, I will send you an answer".
Well, time passes, but Delta receives no answer. People come and go, including to the same office. Delta waits for hours, then comes and listens close to the door. The official gives advices to many people, which came here from their planets for many reasons: loans, weapons, technology, terraforming, anything. At some point, Delta hears this:
"Would you believe? A castrated gay came to my office today asking for a... I forgot what. What a fuck do they think is here? I took him out, it made me throw-up".
Well, for Delta, this is enough. He enters and says directly:
"I am no gay and no castrato. I am here for a request. All the money is here. I am not begging for help and I am not doing anything illegal. Do you want to make money for your state or should I look somewhere else?"
The official looks again disgusted, like ready to throw-up. Then, he thinks a bit and says:
"If you give me 50 thousand PC, I give you want you want".
"You took no money from anyone else".
"Listen this, jerk-ass! It is simple. Gay people are sentenced to death here. The same works for men with tits. You pay me and you get what you want. If you insist, I will require your head to be cut down so that you can lick your pussy with your own tongue".
Delta looks like ready to take a knife and kill him, but remembers. He thinks about all those who are at home, not knowing that the star will explode soon.
"If you don't make your mind fast, I will call the guards", the official says.
"Fifty thousand PC? Here you are", says Delta.
"Here you are, sir, you should say", he answers, accepting the money.
It takes only a few seconds and the official gives Delta a sheet of paper, with contact details of a professor at the Space Physics University, also calling a flying taxi for him. So, Delta is again flying through the city, in an automated car, towards the University, without knowing what to find there.
"Is this how people treat us outside Betelgeuse?" whispers Delta. He wears a men costume, but still the small breasts are a bit visible. Was it better to dress as a woman?
At the University, he goes directly to the professor, not looking at the huge buildings and expensive paintings on the walls. He is on a mission. The professor is not here and he needs to wait two hours. But once he comes, things go like this:
"What do you want?" asks him.
"I am Delta Edc, brother of Caligula XIII, ruling dictator of Betelgeuse VII. I came here for an expert in stellar physics and to buy a neutrino telescope".
"Betelgeuse?" asks the professor. "That star would explode soon. Who was so numb to build a colony there?"
"That is the problem", says Delta. "We think the sun is going to die soon".
"Well, I can give you what you want. I have the link to a producer of neutrino telescopes, it is a close friend of mine. And if you want an expert, I give you Annette, one of my best students. She is writing her PhD in red supergiant stars. She will be more then happy to go".
Things here look incredibly well. The next day, Delta got the telescope for 180 thousand PC and the expert, a blonde, fat girl. They go to Betelgeuse immediately.
**********
Once they arrive, they go to the small moon orbiting Betelgeuse VII, which is not spherical and made of silicate. There, under the rule of Caligula XIII, the former dictator, Caligula XII, built a small base for space exploration. As the ship prepares to land there, Annette starts talking about what she knows:
"Betelgeuse was probably a star just like Merope, only a bit brighter. However, such stars don't last long. They hardly make it to ten million years, while Earth's Sun has a lifetime of ten billions. By comparison, red dwarfs, the dimmest stars, can live for trillion years. Large stars exhaust their fuel very fast. As long as they are fusing hydrogen, they are considered on the main sequence. When hydrogen in the core is exhausted, they leave the main sequence and become giants".
She looks at the star carefully.
"I always wanted to see Betelgeuse close. Looking at it, I know how Merope will look in the future, because it has only two million years left. But Betelgeuse has lived its life".
It is possible that Betelgeuse had a planetary system similar to other stars. But, when it ran out of hydrogen and increased its size, it swallowed its inner planets. More then this, since it rotates very fast, many scientists suggest that Betelgeuse had a stellar companion, probably a star as bright as Sirius, that it engulfed. When this happens, a huge explosion occurs, known as red nova. This explosion blew the atmospheres of large gas giants and made rocky planets and moons to disintegrate.
There are two planets orbiting Betelgeuse closer. One is made entirely of iron and other metals. It was the core of a gas giant that somehow survived. Further away, there are many asteroids, rich in metals, which are supposed to be remnants of other planets. Then comes a gas giant. Its former atmosphere was blown away by the explosion, but somehow it managed to feed itself with the solar wind and grew back. Then, Betelgeuse has nine planets orbiting much further away. They are remnants of the former Kuiper belt. When the star was still on the main sequence, these planets were frozen and covered with solidified gasses. Now, they are in the habitable zone. Some of them are ocean worlds, some are deserts, but one of them, Betelgeuse VII, has just the right amount of water. Much further away, there is another planet, Betelgeuse XII, the last one, still covered with ice. However, there are indications that the explosion made it an ocean world for some time. Then, not far after the explosion, humans came here.
Once they land on the base, Annette takes the telescope and assembles it. First data starts to appear.
"Wait", she says, "there are far too many neutrinos here. I can hardly understand what is going on".
"Easy", says Delta, lighting a cigarette. "Take your time!"
Annette also enjoys a cigarette, happy that she doesn't have to go to a smoking room. She changes the settings, to see more clearly what is going on in the star. It takes an hour, until all is ready. She then carefully moves the telescope towards Betelgeuse, gathering data.
"Oh mine!" she whispers. "It is fusing carbon!"
Delta looks a bit scared. "You mean carbon fusion has started?"
"No, it doesn't look like this", says Annette. "I think carbon fusion is going to an end. I see high-energy neutrinos that don't look like usual carbon fusion. It rather looks like carbon is getting exhausted. Remaining carbon atoms are fusing with oxygen or neon".
"What does that mean?" asks Delta, nervous.
Annette takes a deep drag, looks at the data and says:
"It means that carbon fusion is coming to an end. Very soon, the star will start fusing neon. Just let me a few more minutes, to analyze direction of each detected neutrino, so that we can see what is going on here".
Delta looks at all the data: lots of columns, numbers and symbols. This machinery is detecting an alarming number of neutrinos and of various types. Annette takes another drag, blows the smoke towards the machinery and says:
"I can see now clear. Betelgeuse looks red and cold, compared to Merope, but not deep below its outer mantle, it is fusing hydrogen. The core has increased its energy output and is pushing fusion layers outwards. If things go like this for a few millennia, the solar wind will expel the cold outer layers and expose the hot place where hydrogen fusion occurs. Betelgeuse will become bright-blue and will scourge this planet to temperatures above 2000 degrees".
"How is it possible?" asks Delta.
"As a star is fusing heavier elements", answers Annette, taking a new drag, "the core needs higher temperatures to keep on fusion. This implies that more heat is produces and this heats the star more and more. Luckily, carbon fusion doesn't last long enough. The star will be long gone before this extra heat reaches the surface".
"That is not good", answers Delta.
"I clearly see a shell hydrogen fusion close to the surface, that extends deep through the mantle. It is heated by a shell fusing helium, that is deeper. And this shell is heated and forced to burn faster by a third shell, which is fusing carbon. Only that this final shell is almost exhausted. Beneath it, there is a large inert core. By comparing the neutrino - antineutrino ratio, I can approximate temperature in each part of the star. Now, everything is clear. Betelgeuse seems to have an inert core of neon, oxygen and magnesium. The core is large and hot, ready for neon fusion to ignite. There is not much time left until this. In fact, neon fusion should had started already. The reason it didn't start is that the star is rotating very fast. Centrifugal force opposes gravity and decreases the contraction".
"How much time do we have left?"
"I don't know what to say", answers Annette, taking the last inhale. "Once neon fusion starts, it cannot last for more then 15 Earth years to supernova. However, I think there will be some time until neon ignition. Overall, 24 to 27 Earth years".
Delta looks scared, up to the point where it starts sweating.
"But there is another thing", adds Annette. "There is something strange with the core. It simply is too large and I cannot understand why it did not start fusing neon already. There is a chance that the core will contract too fast. In that case, neon, oxygen, magnesium and silicon fusion processes might not delay the contraction. With other words, supernova might occur much faster then this".
**********
After this, Delta asks Annette to come to the planet, where she could explain to the dictator itself everything. Everything works well, until she lands. There, it only takes less then a minute to realize how different people behave and dress. She instantly wants to return. Only realizing that Delta itself might be a cross-dresser or anything else, makes her want to come faster back to the Pleiades. So, Delta has to go alone to the dictator, taking the telescope to the forbidden building, together with a few explanations from Annette. At least now they can see what is going on inside the star.
The next day, Delta takes Annette back to the Pleiades. She seems scared and disgusted to see who lives on Betelgeuse VII. However, back at the University, the professor asks Delta to come to his office and stay a bit.
"I also made a little research about your star planet", he says. "I am not to judge or to understand you. People like you are killed in public executions throughout the Pleiades just as we speak. I don't. I think you are people and deserve to live, even if I will never understand you. The most important thing for me and you is that your sun will soon explode. There is nothing that can be done to save it".
"Is there no way to prevent a supernova from happening?" asks Delta, almost crying.
"In theory, it should be possible to inject hydrogen to the core of a star. However, in practice, given the size of a red supergiant and the huge pressures and temperatures in the core, it really is impossible. And even if it would be possible, now, nearly all the energy in the core is lost as neutrinos, not as light or heat. You will only increase the lifetime with a few years, nothing else".
"I see..."
"You have to go to another planet and fast. Find one near you and terraform it. And I have just the person for this. I had a very good student. He was caught secretly wearing women clothes. I hardly managed to save his life, but he had to abandon the University. Take him. He was very good in many things. And with anything you need for terraforming, contact me. I will help you find all what's needed".
"Thank you! I strongly appreciate you!" says Delta.
Well, Delta got all what it wanted. But just as he walks on the alleys of the University, people start to look at him and make stupid jokes.
"Hey, butt face!"
"Dumb ass, get the fuck away from this planet!"
"Drop dead!"
Well, he doesn't care any longer. He takes Edmond, the student caught with women clothes, then they both go to Betelgeuse. From the day Edmond steps foot on the planet, he officially decides to wear women clothes and to be named Etna.
**********
Back on the planet, in the forbidden building, Delta, the ruling dictator, the former dictator and Etna have a secret meeting. Delta is still frustrated by the way people looked at him. The dictator is only thinking about what can be done to save the population. Is there any way to do this? Do they stand a chance in front of a star that will soon explode?
TO BE CONTINUED
The end justifies the means (Niccolo Machavelli).
For over fifty Earth years, Betelgeuse VII has been the paradise for transgender people and rare sexual minorities. But now, the colony is endangered. The star will go supernova. For now, nobody knows this, except Caligula XIII, the reigning dictator, with a few close friends. Is there any way to save the population? Is there any chance to do something while there still is time?
The reigning dictator is elected for a period of five Earth years and has nearly absolute power. Then, it is judged. In case of money laundry, all its fortunes are confiscated. If it did anything against the constitution, the punishment is death. Caligula XIII knows well that it can do anything while in power, but after this, it will pay for anything. Each day comes with a program of seven hours, with many auditions that all are public. Any decision made by the dictator is public. There is nothing that can be done behind closed doors. Still, the meetings about the future of the star are held in the forbidden building, which should be now opened to public.
When the dictator found out that Betelgeuse has less then 30 Earth years left, it decided that the only solution is to terraform another planet around another star. The person designated with this task is Etna, a female transgender, an immigrant from the Pleiades Empire. finding that planet was not hard. At ten light years away, there is a red dwarf star. It holds a planet that can be terraformed fast. Still, there will be needed a huge amount of money for this. The new planet is dry. Water can be sent there by diverting comets and icy asteroids, but there is not enough time to make an ocean. It will be more a desert planet.
After a hard day, the dictator returns to its home, which is not larger then other houses in the capital town. Night comes. Betelgeuse vanishes behind the horizon. The sky is illuminated by the huge, never ending auroras, that dance between the clouds. It is a cold night. The dictator puts down the heavy iron crown. Then takes down the long yellow dress it likes to wear on the throne. Born as a woman, it decided to become a hermaphrodite transgender, like many people of its age. This is the trend on Betelgeuse VII, after many transgender people looked for a reversal to their initial genders. At the age when body transformations are allowed, many chose to become a hermaphrodite.
It has become something common to see hermaphrodite people. They use to wear knee-long tight pants and a short, tight blouse. When it's cold, they add an elastic and demi opaque body suit, with a texture similar to pantyhose, that cover all their bodies except for the face and the hands. This way, anyone can see the bulges made by their male genitals and the presence of smaller, female breasts. Some people argued that this fashion is provocative, even erotic, violating the law of decency, but still, many people like to dress this way.
Dressing like this might sound acceptable for an average citizen of Betelgeuse VII, but not for the ruling dictator. Still, Caligula XIII, when is alone at home, uses to dress like that.
"What am I? A man or a woman?" it whispers, looking itself in a mirror and watching the bulge between its feet. "I was a woman. But now? I am both. And I love to be like this. But still, I look more like a woman. At least with this hair".
Should it be called a he or a she? Since it is hard to know the gender of a person, people like to call each other with it here.
It lights a cigarette in the dim light inside the house. As it blows a small trail of smoke, it looks on the sky. There are clouds, dark spots between the auroras. Behind them, there are other, dark red clouds, matter ejected by the dying star. Smoking is something so common on Betelgeuse VII, that it is impossible for those born there to remember the first time they ever started.
The dictator touches its body-pantyhose, that covers all its body with a fine-textured layer, but is thinking about the fate of the planet. It could just lie and hide the truth to anyone. But, if that's the case, everyone will die. Well, it will be after its five years of rule. But, can you stay put, when a bomb is ticking? If anyone finds out that the star will explode soon, panic will follow. The economy is still growing, as people keep coming here. New towns are built everywhere.
Caligula XIII thinks about this. If people find out... People will try to move away. But where should they go? Nobody is willing to receive transgender people and rare sexual minorities. Nobody. In other places around the galaxy, people like us are discriminated, considered to have a mental illness and rejected by anyone. Even worse, in some places, they are killed or imprisoned. Still, by far, not everyone will be able to flee. The economy will collapse. Chaos will follow. Nobody knows how far this would go. There is a high chance there will be no funds to finance terraforming. Those left behind will have no chance. Nobody will come to rescue them. They will just sit here and wait for death to strike. Nothing and nobody will come, except maybe for some savages, bounty hunters from UV Ceti.
"People must not find out about this..." it whispers.
Indeed. People must not find out. As for now, new settlers are still coming. The best solution is to divert money somehow, to finance the terraforming of the new planet. The savior planet. Isn't it a better name? Betelgeuse Savior? More simple, Betelgeuse S. That's it! Finally, the dictator comes with a new name for the planet that promises to be the new home for transgender people and rare sexual minorities. Betelgeuse S.
"But still... How to do this?" it whispers again, taking a new inhale from its cigarette.
There must be a solution. A lot of resources exist here. For anything that exists here, the local currency, Betelgeuse Credits or BC, should do the trick. But, for things that need to be imported, ISA credits or CC are needed. That interstellar currency is limited. You need to export something in order to import that sort of money. But how? The CC are in a limited stock. Interstellar trade is very low, because of the huge distances between stars. How would that be possible?
Caligula XIII takes another drag and whispers: "That will be my death", literally chewing the smoke as it speaks.
Diverting funds is very hard, since anything is made public. External politics are forbidden by the constitution. If anyone finds out that its brother, Delta, made a visit to the Pleiades, the punishment will be death. The costs of terraforming a new planet are too high. It will be impossible to hide them. There is no way this can go unnoticed. The circuit of state money is public. Anyone will find out and very soon. It is only a matter of time... but still, all that money is not enough.
The dictator thinks about the end of its five year reign. The public trial. People will judge it for what it done. Nobody has done the money laundry it already has done. It diverted 1% of state money for asteroid mining, a project under the rule of the former dictator, Caligula XII. Then, it diverted additional money. As for now, the quota is getting close to 10%, so very high. People are expecting results. The asteroids around re rich in many ores, that should replace the mines on the planet, which are also a source of pollution. The dictator is trying anything to divert more money for the project, but with careful, not to catch too much attention.
This is also a violation of the constitution. Already, Delta is sent to the Pleiades to buy some equipment for terraforming. If people will find out that Delta is working on the advice of Etna, which just arrived from the Pleiades... and if they will find out that the idea of terraforming a planet came from a professor that lives in the Pleiades, the dictator will face death sentence.
All the night, Caligula XIII cannot sleep, thinking about the death sentence. A public execution. All who supported it to win the elections, watching the execution. So painful. So humiliating.
**********
The next day, the dictator is on its iron throne, solving the many problems in the state. It is a very hard job, since problems are very different and challenging. Most of them are solved as auditions. Someone comes with an environmental problem. Another person wants to build a factory. Then, someone else wants to increase funds for upgrading a railway.
The dictator has absolute power when it comes to justice. On the audition list, there is a pedophile. A transgender pedophile which took refuge on Betelgeuse VII. The law condemns obscene actions and puts high punishments for sexual abuse. This person, which clearly looks like a woman but once was a man, kneels and cries for mercy. However, there is an online petition, signed by over a thousand sfenists, which require for it the highest civilian punishment: departure on an island. The dictator choses this punishment without even listening much. The words are exactly these:
"The prison island will be the home for this creature. Throw it there, while the sun still burns... Dismissed!"
While the sun still burns carbon, was what Caligula XIII wanted to say. In its mind, all other problems are too small. All day and all night, it is thinking about this, that the sun will soon explode. Well, nobody notices what it meant.
After all auditions, the dictator returns to its lonely home. Loneliness is very painful. Delta is on its mission to the Pleiades. Caligula XII and Etna are working on terraforming Betelgeuse S. They divert comets to bring some water to the new planet. Atmosphere melioration will start once there will exist some oceans. There are huge costs.
**********
It all goes according to plan for about a hundred Earth days. Then, during one audition, someone comes and says:
"Your highness, I am here for the asteroid mining project. It looks like a lot of funds have been diverted for that project, but as for now, we have seen nothing. The mining division has not made public the way it spends money. I want more details of what is going on".
These words shock the dictator. So, people found out, finally. Unable to give a fast answer, it looks to the online displays in the room. But it is too late. People can see. The next day, the press will start saying that the dictator had scared eyes.
"Thank you for telling me", answers the dictator.
"Public spending must be made public".
"I know. But before taking any action, I want to personally talk with Caligula XII".
"Shouldn't that be made public?"
"Well, I do have a great respect for our former dictator. Maybe, it forgot to make things public. For any state employee, things would be different, but for a former leader of our planet and mainly one that did nothing bad during its reign, we must have some respect. But don't worry, I will use force if needed".
"Why don't you contact it online?"
"Because, outside the magnetosphere, communications don't work well. This is why we don't have an online link outside the planet".
"Your highness, it appears that a huge amount of money was diverted for the asteroid mining project".
"That's my understanding too. I will check out. Dismissed!"
**********
After two more days, Caligula XIII meets with Caligula XII at the forbidden building. There, the neutrino telescope sits in the middle, hidden from other people's eyes. From time to time, the ruling dictator comes and scans the sun with it. A few days ago, it showed a small flare inside the core. Neon fusion did not start. Most probably, there are a few lighter elements, like nitrogen or fluorine. As pressure and temperature increase, these elements go photodisintegration. They lose a few protons or neutrons and transform into carbon, or capture free protons and neutrons, to become oxygen. New carbon instantly fuses, producing little energy, too little to prevent the core from collapsing and initiating neon fusion.
And this, only if neon fusion will occur. There is a small chance that neon fusion will not happen. As temperature and pressure increase in the core, so do neutrino production. Neutrinos are the real killers of a star. They take more and more energy from the core. Carbon fusion would keep the star alive for a thousand years, but because of energy lost through neutrinos, it cannot last more then 600. Neon fusion could power a star for over ten Earth years, but because of neutrino losses, it will last for about an year. But, if fusion occurs later, when pressure and temperature are too high, it will not be able even to produce enough energy to oppose the contraction. In that case, Betelgeuse is doomed far earlier.
Death is banging at our doors.
What the two dictators discussed in the forbidden building remains a secret. Caligula XIII exits the building saying:
"If I have to die so that some will live, so be it! The end justifies the means".
It is time to make some extreme politic decisions.
TO BE CONTINUED
Watching a politic fight is like watching a puppet theatre. Only those wise enough can see beyond the puppets, who is holding them and for what reason. (A politician, Eastern Europe).
Betelgeuse VII has been a paradise for transgender people and rare sexual minorities for over fifty years. Now, the star is dying and will soon go supernova. Only four people know the truth: the ruling dictator Caligula XIII, its brother Delta, the former dictator Caligula XII and Etna, a transgender immigrated from the Pleiades. They try to divert state money, to finance terraforming of another planet around another star, at a safer distance. They lie, saying that money has been diverted to finance asteroid mining, but people are starting to see something else. They see no mining results, no rare earths brought to the planet and they notice lots of equipment being lifted to space, to unknown destinations. Caligula XIII was asked several times to make money spending public. The dictator knows very well that after its five Earth years of rule, it will be judged in a public trial and sentenced to death for what is going on. But before that, everyone knows that corruption and money laundry can affect the economy, which is still booming. Nobody wants a recession. More and more voices ask for Caligula XII, who is in charge with asteroid mining, to answer for all accusations.
In an attempt to solve this problem, the two dictators went to the forbidden building. There, the first dictator, Caligula II, held many plasticized papers, showing that the star is dying. The ruling dictator holds there a neutrino telescope, which shows what is happening inside the star. Nobody must know this. Betelgeuse fused all carbon in its core and now it is contracting, waiting to start fusing neon. If people will find out this, panic will follow. Panic will come with an economy meltdown, so there will not be enough money to terraform a new planet. Dead end.
People also asked for public access to the forbidden building, but Caligula XIII denied this, without any comments.
**********
Finally, Caligula XII accepted to make an audition to the dictator. All will be made public. The day and the hour not known yet.
The ruling dictator, Caligula XIII, worked the first hours as usual, from its iron throne. There are many problems in this state that need to be watched. There are economical and environment problems that need an advice from a specialist, but the dictator has the power to accept, modify or cancel such things. On the other hand, there are problems about justice. Since Betelgeuse VII is a paradise for rare sexual minorities, many people like pedophiles or rapists seek refuge here. They have to be punished according to the law, but many of them say they are discriminated and ask for an audience to the dictator. Some kneel and beg for mercy, while others use an aggressive tone. The dictator usually ask for an advice from some humanitarian groups, but the decision and responsibility are always its own.
Caligula XIII is a former woman, now a hermaphrodite transgender. On the throne, it wears a long yellow dress. But today, it came with a really provocative outfit. With a red, short and seductive blouse and a short dress, so short that when you sit in front of the throne you might see beneath, with long purple gloves and laced thigh boots, partially exposing its pantyhosed feet, the dictator also wears many bracelets and long earrings. It also painted its hair in a bright red color, clearly visible below the heavy iron crown. She also smokes in a sensual way, clearly enjoying each cigarette. Already, the news comment that the dictator appears today in an unusually sexy outfit.
Suddenly, noise can be heard:
"Let me pass! I was once on that throne! Out of my way!"
The dictator was judging the case of a pedophile caught in a town, who is kneeling and crying for mercy. Suddenly, the noise becomes more intense.
"What is going on?" asks the dictator.
"Let me in! I order you!" can be heard from outside the throne room.
"Who is there? Let it pass here!"
While everyone is watching, the former dictator, Caligula XII, appears in the throne room.
"You, pedophile, you know what the law says. You have two options. Get out of Betelgeuse now or get to the prison island. Your choice. Dismissed!" says the dictator.
The former dictator was a man, now is a female transgender. It also came in a provocative outfit, with a short, skinny white party dress, with very long nails, a too intense make-up, long blonde hair filled with silver wires, a huge necklace and shiny pantyhose, with high-heel transparent shoes. In one hand, it holds a white, shiny purse, while in the other hand it has a very long holder with a cigarette in its top. The make-up is also provocative, with a silvery lipstick and silvery inscriptions on its cheeks and forehead. It also has small, glued horns, with a ring attached to each.
"Finally, we meet", says the ruling dictator.
"Finally, I never imagined it is so hard to get an audience at you. No surprise people don't love you any longer".
"Maybe you heard how many accusations are against you".
The former dictator takes an inhale from its long holder, blows the smoke with an angry face, hits the ground three times with a shoe and says:
"How about the accusations against you? Where is my money?"
"What money? The one you spent on this outfit?"
"No, sister! The money you should provide us for asteroid mining".
"I gave you a hundred times the amount you requested".
"As for now, I received almost nothing. My people want their salaries. Do you know what that is?"
The dictator rises from its throne and comes two steps forward.
"I gave you more then enough".
"Well, it is either that you spent it yourself or that there is too much corruption around you. I received nothing. And about all the accusations, they are fake. I waited for money to come. And I did all that for you, so you won't lose credibility. I know how hard is to be a dictator".
"I heard you passed the trial without any problems".
"Yes, I did".
"For now... But still, I don't believe you. Where did all that money go?"
"Ask me? Ask you!"
"No, I ask you", says the ruling dictator, moving forward, until it is face to face with the former dictator. "I ask you how is this possible. With your experience. I trusted you, but never expected to lose money like this. You find who took it".
The former dictator takes a new inhale and blows the smoke in the face of the reigning dictator. Then smiles.
"You think this will bring you away from justice?" asks Caligula XIII.
"I survived the trial. But will you?"
"I will. Cause you are going to pay for all this. Stop it now, you bring our state to civil war".
Caligula XII laughs, saying: "All this only excites me! You have the power to imprison me, but in five years I will be free".
The ruling dictator takes the former's holder and takes a big drag of smoke, then blow the smoke in its eyes. Then, answers:
"I never imagined that such a bitch can hide beneath your skin. It is a shame for those who voted you. You disappoint them all".
"No, dear. It is you who disappoints the whole planet. Are you going to give me my funds or not?"
"All I am going to give you is a kick in your ass".
Caligula XIII pushes with one foot on Caligula XII's shoe. But, the former dictator doesn't move back. It moves a hand to the ruling dictator's dress and softly massages its crotch.
"Stop that, you are in public, damn it!"
"What do you know? It's the little Mobidick who wants to get out of its cage!"
"Don't try to change the subject!" says the ruling dictator, taking its hand away.
Away, but the little massage did it. The erection is visible, as a small bulge in front of its tight skirt. But also, as the ruling dictator forces a bit, it rips one of the long fake nails Caligula XII was wearing.
"You will pay for this!" shouts the former dictator.
"I will pay nothing. Do you want another nail to be ripped?" answers the ruling dictator, blowing another cloud of smoke in the former's face. "Or maybe you want something more".
Saying this, it moves its hands to the former's forehead, where it tries to remove the horns. It all goes easy.
"Do you have some glue?" asks the ruling dictator, with the horns in its hand. "I think I want to wear those".
The former dictator takes a small bottle from its purse. The ruling dictator glues the little horns on its forehead, very close to the iron crown.
Then, the former dictator hits the ruling one with a punch in the face.
"The horns are not for free", it answers.
"Sure they are not", says Caligula XIII. "And what do you want in exchange? The crown?"
"Your head".
"Too hard to get", answers the ruling dictator, taking the holder and breaking it. "Enjoy your smoke, darling".
"However, I do have one last question", says the former dictator.
"Go ahead".
"How much are the boots you're wearing? Are they made from the money you should pay for asteroid mining project?"
"No, sis. They are not more expensive then those transparent shoes you wear".
"Take them off! It is a sign of disrespect for the people, bitch!"
"If you take your shoes off too".
"I will do that", answers the ruling dictator. "But not for you, for the people watching us, who voted and supported us".
Both dictators take off their footwear, remaining in bare pantyhose on the floor.
"Now, I ask you one last time", says Caligula XII. "Are you going to pay my people?"
"No! It is a clear no because I already paid you enough. I need to make some investigations before, to see where did all that money go".
"Well, then, I have the responsibility for my people. For the people that are in my charge. I need to pay them somehow. I think about the families they have, about their children and about what they will eat themselves tomorrow. We will wait until midnight. If no money arrives to us, we will seek autonomy!"
"What are you up to, crazy creature?"
The word autonomy sounds like an echo ring through the room. Outside, where people watch the audition on TV, people remain shocked, watching this, unknowing what to think about.
"I take the moon. There, I will have an autonomous state. And there, people will have what they never had on the planet".
"But that is a violation of the constitution. I am forced to stop you!"
"No, it is no violation. The constitution only applies to the surface of the planet. The outer space, the Betelgeuse star system, is not direct territory of the state, in a form of dependency".
"I see... And you try to make your own state".
"No. I am trying to give my people a job. All what was not allowed on the planet, will be on the moon. The use of hormones, surgery, body implants. All of this".
"You know it is forbidden by the constitution to do this before..."
"I know, the five Earth years request... and the minimum age of twenty Earth years", cuts Caligula XII short. "But, in many places, transgender people have access to all this at a much younger age, even as little children".
"That is a violation of the constitution. Don't force my hand, I will order to have you executed!" shouts the ruling dictator.
"The moon is outside your jurisdiction", answers the former dictator. "Things are simple. Give me the money or we will declare autonomy!"
While saying this, the former dictator steps out of the throne room. Caligula XIII moves back to the throne and looks around.
"What should we do?" it asks the advisers, nervously lighting a cigarette.
Nobody answers. Everyone is shocked by this. So, the dictator says:
"I think I need some time to judge this correctly. We shall resume auditions as usual. In the main time, I will also think of a solution. It is not wise to take fast actions. I will say my word at the end of the day".
Things go exactly like this. Audiences follow, just like nothing happen. However, it is clear that the dictator is affected by this. Well, as things go this way, Caligula XII moves to the base, takes its spaceship and flies to the moon. All happens very fast.
Finally, at the end of the day, after the last audience, Caligula XIII says:
"I made-up my mind. We will allocate for the asteroid mining project the same amount of money it had been sent. All that money will be cut right now from the budget and sent right in the following minute. Let's remember that Caligula XII was a good dictator and it passed the trial without any problems. We will rectify the budget in the following months, if anything bad happens. However, I expect the former dictator to calm down and stop autonomy claims. Also, I want the press to start an investigation about where did all that money go. If someone took them, I want justice to be made. And if that money really did go to the asteroid mining project, I will ask Caligula XII to give the money back".
The dictator rises from the throne, then return and says:
"One more thing. I am not afraid by those autonomy claims. There is nothing that it can do. And if it does, there are many ways to make it stop. In that case, we should cancel the asteroid mining project at once".
The dictator returns home. This time, it walks all the way to home in bare pantyhosed feet, tired and thinking about what happened and what will happen. Once it enters the room, it eats something and leans on a coach, watching the sunset. Betelgeuse, the giant red sun that brings light and heat to us all, will not last more. Soon, it will explode.
People will talk for many days about this. The press will invite many politic analysts and will discuss every single word or gesture that happened. As long as people don't realize that both decided to do this, as long as people don't figure out that it was all a puppet theatre work, it is all very good. Only if they don't figure it out...
Leaning on its bed, the dictator watches the auroras. Gas ejected by Betelgeuse impacts the magnetic field of the planet. Thinking about the whole day, about how it all went, the dictator whispers for itself:
"Well played, sis! Well played! Just hope we will gain enough money for the project before our deaths and before the sun will explode".
**********
At the moon base, Caligula XII is with Delta and Etna. They wait. Then, they notice it. Money has been received. They got the credits, 92% in BC and 8% in CC. They know that the dictator, down on the planet, is risking its life for them, for the future. However, all this money is by far not enough for what they have in mind. Terraforming a planet is far too expensive, especially when you try to do it very fast.
At midnight, capital city hour, Caligula XII makes a public appearance, with the declaration of autonomy for the moon. In the newly formed autonomous region Betelgeuse S, things forbidden on the planet will be allowed. Surgery, implants and commerce with hormones will be allowed to anyone. Porn will be allowed in certain areas, in all its aspects, from public sex zones to public masturbation areas and brothels and gambling. Any outfit will be allowed.
The declaration of autonomy is a very strong invitation for business. Transgender hospitals are invited to move here. It will be a place where anything will be possible. Taxes will be set to 40% something a hundred times higher then the 0.4% as they are on the planet. This is in fact the real gamble. If this works, within five Earth years there will be enough money to ensure terraforming of the new planet.
The fact is that Caligula XII has another ace in its sleeve. A strong commercial campaign will help people from all over the galaxy to come here. This is in fact the real game that will be played. Dirty money. They are far better then clean money, since they can be used on the black market to purchase cheaper stuff. All this, as long as on the planet, Caligula XIII will hold on to the immense pressure from the people.
TO BE CONTINUED
The only thing impossible for a transgender is to be pregnant and have children.
For over fifty years, Betelgeuse VII has been a paradise for transgender people and rare sexual minorities. But the star is dying, preparing to go supernova. The only people who know the truth are the ruling dictator Caligula XIII, its brother Delta, the former dictator Caligula XII and Etna, a transgender from the Pleiades. In secret, they started to terraform a planet around another star, which they named Betelgeuse Savior or Betelgeuse S. But this process needs to be finished within twenty Earth years and requires a lot of money. In order to secure more funds, the dictator deliberately financed the Asteroid Mining Project, supervised by Caligula XII. But still, far more money is needed. Then, Caligula XII, with all people who it hired for 'mining', claimed autonomy and set their homeland on the moon of planet Betelgeuse VII. There, free from the law, from the unchanged constitution of Free State Of Betelgeuse, but still inside the state as a border province, the former dictator started to make money.
It took only one Earth year and many things started to change. The law says that any person willing to undergo surgery, body implants or to use hormones must submit a request and wait for five Earth years to get an approval. However, on the moon, there is no need to wait. All you need is to pay the money and you get your transformation.
Within one year, from the total population of Betelgeuse, over 200 million people, 12% went to the moon, for body transformations. Even more people from other places decided to go there. Requests are by far the most unusual. Some people want to have horns, some request to change their outfit to look more like an animal (for example like a cat or a tiger), to have a tail, to have two mouths or three breasts, a body tattoo or a snake tongue. Money is flowing to the small moon.
By far, the most frequent requests are for gender change. But, not only this. Changing gender through surgery, implants and hormones might be easy, but having a child is very hard, if not impossible. The complete transformation of human organs into the opposite sex, up to the point where you can become pregnant or (for a transgender man) to have functional spermatozoids, is something technology is still lacking. However, many scientists are working on that. The solution might be hidden in human genetics.
Genetic transformation is something that has been experimented since the 2000's. With the use of a virus with limited replication power, a DNA sequence can be added or removed from the human DNA. This is the way scientists used around 2200 to eradicate genetic diseases. Now, the technology is well studied. Is it possible to use this technology to new limits?
With viral DNA technology, it is possible to eradicate metabolic diseases. For example, in case of hemophilia, a disease in which the body is unable to stop bleeding because a protein is lacking correct structure, if you change the genes responsible for producing the key protein, you eradicate the disease. However, if the disease affects the anatomy (for example if someone is born with a fissure between the two ventricles of the heart), changing the DNA will not reverse the process, but the affected genes will not be transmitted to children.
So, is it possible to make a transgender woman, a former man, to have children? Is it possible to make a transgender man, former woman, to have functional sperm?
As for now, it is possible to grow organs in vitro. On Betelgeuse, transgender surgery is done this way: First, embryonic cells are isolated or cloned. Then, with the use of hormones, the required organs are grown. Then, through surgery, these organs are added to the body, which accepts them since they share the same DNA. But this comes with a price. For a transgender woman, former man, artificial ovaries will never produce functional ovules, even if the uterus appears functional and has a similar cycle like that of a woman. Attempts have been made, but embryos usually died or if they survived, they had malformations. The same happens in case of a transgender man, former woman. Testicles will never produce functional spermatozoids or if they will, children almost always have diseases.
Many people who undergone body transformation, want to return to their previous gender. A reversal surgery is possible, but in most cases, the recovery is not complete. Artificially grown organs are not always functional. So, there is a major problem. How could anyone change gender back completely and have children?
On Betelgeuse, children, from a very young age, are learned to go cross-dressing. This comes very natural. In the same way, comes smoking, which occurs from a very young age. To prevent the diseases caused by underage smoking, a genetic vaccine was invented, adapting the lungs and the body for this. But, the cross-dressing problem resulted in something unexpected. Once they reach the age when they are allowed to have surgery, implants and to use hormones, most teens take a very unusual decision. They want to be hermaphrodites, so that they can behave both like men and like women.
To become a hermaphrodite, the same technology is required. The organs of the opposite sex are grown in vitro, then added through surgery. However, the natural organ remains dominant and functional. So, we talk about hermaphrodite men and hermaphrodite women. A hermaphrodite man cannot have children and a hermaphrodite woman cannot have functional sperm. All this comes with a very delicate hormonal balance. An excess from one gender's hormones will affect the opposite sex. Problems are common and people often need to take medicine on a daily basis.
Is there any way to solve this? Is there any way a transgender woman or a hermaphrodite, former man, to have children? Even more, is it possible for a hermaphrodite to make its own children using both its genitals? This is what scientists are trying to find out.
Many tests have been ruled on mice or apes. Nearly all, ended without or with bad results. Female gender is given by the XX pair of chromosomes, while male gender is given by the XY pair. The solution appears to be a different one. Before surgery, a person willing to be a woman, must remove its Y chromosome in all cells with the X one. Then, female genitals must be grown in vitro and added through an implant. Much more difficult is if someone wants to be a man, because only one chromosome of the X pair needs to be transformed into an Y. For a while, this was proven not to be possible, until one day, when a solution was found. The virus that adds and removes genes, gives a signature to each cell (a certain protein), that blocks other viruses to come. Then, it transforms a single X chromosome. The virus self-destructs in a short time, while the signature remains much longer. And then, male organs, grown in vitro, can be added through surgery, which comes with the removal of female organs.
The problem with hermaphrodite people is far more complex. They want to have both a penis and a vagina, both ovaries and testicles, breasts (visible, but smaller then those of real women) and facial hair (mustache and beard). Scientists tried to work with a solution for this. Finally, they found it. They copied some of the genes from the Y chromosome and added them on the X, but this was not enough. Much more work needed to be done. They had to remove some genes and write others. Many rats died during these experiments. Finally, they found a solution. What they created is the Z chromosome. With the help of a virus, all X and Y chromosomes are transformed into a ZZ pair. This allows hermaphrodites to have both functional ovules and functional spermatozoids, with an uterus that can support a pregnancy.
Further experiments on rats showed very strange results. Combining a male (XY) with a hermaphrodite (ZZ), you get two unusual babies: intersex females (XZ) and super-males (YZ). Intersex females are sterile hermaphrodites, with both organs, but with the look of a female. Super-males are also sterile, look like males and have exaggerated male features. It was also proven that super-males, despite their strong muscular force, have a very low intellect. If, however, you combine a female (XX) with a hermaphrodite (ZZ), you get only intersex females (XZ). On the other hand, you can combine a hermaphrodite with another one and you will only get hermaphrodites (ZZ).
The experiments proved that, if you use the gender changing vaccine for a newborn, transformation will be nearly complete. However, if you somehow inject the vaccine into an embryo, results are excellent.
With these amazing results, in just an Earth year, on the moon of Betelgeuse VII, production of gender vaccines started. For the first time in history, transgender people could have their own children, without the need for an adoption. The vaccines are:
Female to male (XX to XY);
Male to female (XY to XX);
Female to herm (XX to ZZ);
Male to herm (XY to ZZ);
Herm to female (ZZ to XX);
Herm to male (ZZ to XY).
Each vaccine is sold for the sum of 4200 BC (Betelgeuse Credits) for adults and teens, 3150 BC for children, 2100 BC for babies and 1050 BC for embryos. In addition, for those who want to change gender, the cost of growing organs from embryotic or cloned cells is between 3500 and 6000 BC. The cost of surgery is between 4000 and 5500 BC. Additional costs are with hotel and transportation, but they don't exceed 100 BC for residents of Betelgeuse VII. For those who come from other places in the galaxy, transport costs might exceed 7000 BC.
Soon after this, many transgender people started to have children. A thing considered impossible, is no longer a dream. With genetic engineering, body transformation is now complete. The first two children born with this technology are Julia and Angela Northern. Julia is born from Etna, the transgender woman who immigrated from the Pleiades. Its father is unknown, the sperm came from a gene bank. Etna opted for Julia to be a hermaphrodite and used the female to herm vaccine when it was still an embryo. Angela Northern is the child of Delta, the ruling dictator's brother, which is a hermaphrodite and provided its own sperm for itself; Angela is also a hermaphrodite.
The fact that Etna and Delta decided to test the new technology made many people to trust it.
However, this is not the only kind of genetic surgery practiced on the moon of Betelgeuse VII. Here, scientists try anything that can bring money in. For example, they clone organs: hearts, livers, kidneys, anything, for prices that vary from 3000 to 15000 BC. This is very cheap compared to other places. Even arms and feet can be customary made. Anything, for money.
There is something else. Criminals, wanted in the whole galaxy, come here for plastic surgery and DNA modifications. For sums up to a few millions BC, they are transformed. Fingerprints, dental prints, ocular images, DNA and bioenergy signatures can be modified. Many corrupt politicians, trying to escape from justice, come to this place.
Money is flowing towards the small moon, both from the planet and from the outer world.
**********
In the same time, Caligula XII, the ruling dictator of the moon and former dictator of Betelgeuse VII, is collecting 40% of the income. With this money, it buys lots of equipment and many cargo spaceships from the planet. All this is used to terraform the new planet, Betelgeuse S. Nobody must know about this yet. What cannot be produced here, is imported from the Empire Of The Pleiades, which is hiding all this from the rest of the world, for bribery. No worker from Betelgeuse goes to the new planet. All workers are slaves purchased from UV Ceti, which have no idea where they are. Their supervisors are employed from the Pleiades.
Everything is going just as planned. In this way, Betelgeuse S will be terraformed within 20 Earth years, before the star will explode. All the funds are being allocated in advance. Two years have passed since Caligula XIII took power, only three more Earth years will pass until new elections. In this little time, all the funds must be secured. When time will come, all population from the moon will relocate to the new planet. And when it will be terraformed and habitable, everyone from Betelgeuse will be invited to come.
In the main time, Betelgeuse gave some warning signs. Unknown by many, there is a neutrino telescope in the forbidden building. The ruling dictator, Caligula XIII, comes there every day and looks at the data. The star has ceased fusing carbon in its core. Now, the large, inert core, is slowly contracting. Neon fusion will ignite soon. But before that, there are a few small steps. First, nitrogen was fused, now fluorine. These two elements are in small amounts inside a star, but they exist. They fuse via photodisintegration. Hit by an energetic gamma ray, one atom loses a proton, a neutron or an alpha particle (helium nuclei) which merges with another atom. Nitrogen is usually lost during carbon fusion, but what little survives, is transformed into carbon and oxygen, while carbon instantly fuses. Fluorine is more stable. It is transformed usually into oxygen and neon. These reactions don't produce much energy and given the small amounts of these elements, it cannot oppose core contraction. It only delays the death of the star by very little.
Caligula XIII sits near the neutrino telescope, smoking and looking at the data. These small flashes are just a warning of what is to come. Within years, neon fusion will occur. The energy released will restore the equilibrium of the star for a short period of time. Once neon is exhausted, oxygen will fuse and will give another additional year. Then, a series of flashes will try to counterbalance the inevitable: sodium fusion, magnesium fusion and finally silicon fusion. However, things are settled. When the last silicon atom in the core will be fused into iron, there will be nothing else, able to sustain the core from collapsing. The supernova will come and will destroy everything.
If everyone is walking the same path, try another one. If nobody is walking on your path, make sure you are not lost (Ancient saying).
For over fifty Earth years, the planet Betelgeuse VII has been a paradise for transgender people and rare sexual minorities. But the star, Betelgeuse, will soon go supernova. For now, only four people know the truth: the ruling dictator Caligula XIII, its brother Delta, the former dictator Caligula XII and Etna, a transgender who immigrated from the Pleiades. They try to terraform a new planet, ten light years away, which they call Betelgeuse S. However, all this is done in secret. Nobody must know what is going on. If people will find out that the star will explode, the economy will collapse, before enough money can be obtained for terraforming. From the four, only the ruling dictator stays on Betelgeuse VII. The other three are on its moon, where they created an autonomous region.
However, the dictator is in big problems. It was elected for a five Earth years period. After that, it will be judged in a public trial and risk a sentence to death, while a new dictator will be elected. Until then, it has nearly absolute powers, but all things will change soon. There are only two Earth years left... and then, for violation of the constitution, the punishment is death. Many people already sent endless petitions to the dictator to stop protecting the autonomous region of Betelgeuse S.
Every day, during a period of seven hours, people come to the dictator for audiences. Many economical, political, ecological and justice problems are solved this way, since the word of a dictator is the supreme law. The constitution says that the ruling dictator cannot refuse someone going to an audience unless there are too many problems. All this is filmed and made public online. All state money spending is made public. Nothing is hidden. The dictator tried several times to send money the autonomous region, knowing that it will go to terraforming. However, people got extremely angry on this.
**********
So, how looks a day in dictator's life? Caligula XIII is a transgender hermaphrodite, a former woman who wanted to have both sexes on. This is common in Betelgeuse. With a long yellow dress, it sits on the iron throne, wearing the heavy iron crown on its head. People come to audiences, get an answer and go. From the throne room, the dictator watches all what happens on the planet, through online interactive screens. It has access to a huge amount of data. Four advisers are in the room, ready to help the dictator if needed.
One person enters the room. It appears to be a man, based on clothes and voice. However, on Betelgeuse, everything might be an illusion, since gender of each person is confidential.
"Your highness, would you tell us what is going on the moon? We have clear information that they are buying lots of equipment from the planet. I know you know something".
"No, I am sorry. I really don't know what is going on there", answers Caligula XIII.
"I have information that just a few days 75 spaceships departed to the moon, carrying chemical reactors. They are made to change the oxidation state of heavy metals".
The truth is, the new planet has an excess of some metals, like chromium. By changing the oxidation state, these elements will not endanger life.
"Oxidation state?" asks the dictator, curiously. "I wonder what they're up to. Could this be a sign that they finally start mining asteroids?"
"I don't know. But I think you know and you don't want to tell us".
"You know, since Caligula XII left to the moon, I never talked to her. I have no idea what is going on there".
"Shouldn't it be wise to send an ambassador there?"
"An ambassador to a province of our state? I will consider your point of view. Dismissed!"
"But, your highness, will you ever do something?"
"You know what 'dismissed' means?"
This person exits the throne room and another one enters, which looks like a woman in all aspects, but has the voice of a man.
"Your highness?"
"Yes", whispers the dictator. "How can I help you?"
"Your highness, my children left to the moon and had transgender surgery".
"I see..."
"You know that the law forbids teens to undergo body transformations. This is a violation of the constitution!"
"I know this, but the constitution only applies to the surface of the planet. In outer space, it is no longer valid".
"Since when?"
"Read it yourself. It says: This law is to be applied on the territory of Betelgeuse VII and all its residents. It doesn't say a single word about the outer space".
"Children are too young to think for themselves. They need a parent. Maybe one day they will want to reverse".
"I know very well, but the technology is improving with each day. Soon, transgender people will be able to have a reversal surgery very easy".
"Damn you, bitch! You don't care about my children! All you care is yourself!"
"What is happening on the moon is not against the constitution. It is in outer space. I am sorry, but there is no law that allows me to do anything. Dismissed!"
The dictator lights a cigarette, as the next person enters. But this one is someone well known. It is a reporter, also a cross-dresser who looks as a woman, who has been investigating this problem from the beginning.
"Your highness", it says, lowering its head, "I have economical data this time. It appears that the autonomous region of the moon is playing an important role in our economy. with over 10% of our population going there to have body transformations, it drains 27% of our economy. However, the money returns to the planet as they purchase equipment. I have a detailed study. We have reached a dangerous point, where the moon has become an important part of our economy".
"I get your point, Maxa", says the dictator. "I don't have such accurate data, but my understanding is that the moon is boosting our economy too. What is your point?"
"However, I made further analysis. I don't think more then 55% of the population will agree to have body transformations. Their economy was booming because many people wanted to do this, because the law on the planet forbids them to. You know, the minimum age, the five Earth years of waiting".
"Yes, I know the law".
"What I am saying is that in three to four Earth years, their business will start to decline. And as this will happen, their commerce with the planet will decline too. And when that will happen, they will be hit by a massive recession that will stop the economic growth here too".
"That is very wise, reporter", answers the dictator, playing with its cigarette. "But with all respect I have for you, their recession is their problem. Our immediate concern is our own economy, which must not go to a recession, at least in the nearby future".
"And what are you going to do, your highness?"
"Publish your research. Businessmen will know what to do. They will look at the data and find new opportunities. As less people will go to the moon, they will spend money on something else. Some branches of the industry will fall, others will rise".
"Very good, I will do that".
"Dismissed!"
Usually, Maxa is a reporter who attacks the dictator. But not this time. It was far less aggressive. But not all are the same. A few days ago, another reporter came for an audience and things worked like this:
"Your highness, we have clear information that you violate the constitution".
"Ok, I want to see your proves".
"You know them very well. The free state of Betelgeuse is non-divisible. You allowed the formation of an autonomous region on the moon".
"The constitution only applies to the planet itself, not to the moon".
"Well, this is your interpretation. The constitution applies to the territory of Betelgeuse VII, which means the whole territory owned by the state, not the planet itself. When you decided to start the asteroid mining program, basically you annexed the whole stellar system, including the moon, other planets and all asteroids".
"That is your understanding", says the dictator. "The constitution does not say this. It says: The surrounding space, the Betelgeuse system, is a protectorate, where people from other states can pass through and where the constitution does not apply to them. Read carefully".
"The constitution does not apply to them, it means to people from other states".
"No. It means people that are in outer space, outside from the planet".
Then, the reporter says, shortly:
"Your highness, do you fear for your life?".
The dictator does not answer a thing.
"Do you know what is the punishment for not respecting the constitution? It is your death. Death, public execution, that is!"
"I know very well the law. And I know I will be judged soon. But until then, I am still your dictator. Dismissed!"
Another day, someone came and asked for the dictator to put an end to the autonomous region of the moon:
"You have the right to put an embargo. If you block ships to reach the moon, they will run out of business. This will end the conflict".
"I know, but I also understand the consequences. By doing this, we will start a civil war. And also we must acknowledge that the moon plays now a significant role in our economy".
"But what they do is a violation of the constitution".
"Well, it is at the border. The law permits it, still. However, you know that Betelgeuse VII is meant to be a paradise for transgender people. The law forbids the use of surgery, hormones and body transformations under a certain age, a thing that is currently accepted in many places of the galaxy. I think that, what is happening there is something that needed to happen, sooner or later".
"Wouldn't it be better to legalize this on the planet?"
"That will be a violation of the constitution", answers the dictator, sharp. "You know the law, which cannot be changed unless 75% of the population agrees to. And if we have a referendum about this subject, there will not be that many to accept".
"But, right now, there are 75% that don't agree with what is going on the moon".
"I know, but still the majority accepts. Dismissed!"
**********
The dictator knows very well, that people is against of the autonomous region on the moon. Mass-media is strongly against. Some people believe that the moon is building weapons, others think that they are trying to build their own state somewhere on another planet. But as far, nobody found significant activity anywhere in the Betelgeuse system. At some point, someone speculated that they try to terraform another planet. After these claims, people started to gather in public demonstrations. Online petitions, signed by over half the population, requested for the dictator to take action and force the autonomous region to merge with the state.
But on the other hand, many people went to the moon, for body transformations. Many people agree with what is happening there, even a significant percent of those who demonstrate against the dictator.
Pressure on the dictator is huge. Sometimes, on the road to home, it has to go through people which are standing along the road and shout things like: "Caligula XIII to death" or "Resign! Resign! We want elections now!" Even around its house, people demonstrate, shouting until late in night.
Another problem is the forbidden building, which should be open to public. Each day, after work, the dictator goes there and locks the door. Inside, there is a neutrino telescope, which allows one to see inside the star. Nobody from the outside must know what is in there. The telescope clearly shows that Betelgeuse has a large, inert core, surrounding by a carbon fusing shell. With each day, the core increases its mass and is contracting, until one day it will reach temperature required for neon fusion. The star is fusing heavier and heavier elements, trying to survive... but it will not last long. When the core will be composed of iron, it will finally collapse and produce a supernova.
The dictator can hardly support the pressure. It is numbering the days until the new elections. It is waiting its death, to escape from all this endless stress.
**********
On the moon, things are far more different. Everything that is forbidden on the planet, is allowed here. Gambling, porn, body transformations, anything. More and more people go there for a vacation or to transform their bodies. However, they have no idea what is going on behind the curtains.
With money obtained this way, Caligula XII, the former dictator and current dictator of the moon, is purchasing a lot of equipment from the planet. And here comes the huge mystery. All the equipment is sent to the moon. From there, other ships come and take it all to various locations, usually remote asteroids. All this is done with people from Betelgeuse. Beyond this, nobody from the planet knows. Automated ships, built on Betelgeuse VII, take the goods to a place outside the stellar system. nobody from the planet could watch cargo freighters that far. There, large interstellar ships from the Pleiades but without any mark or flag on them, take the cargo for a ten light years ride, to the new planet that is being terraformed. There, all cargo is unloaded.
**********
Down on the planet, things are more different. All the work is done with slaves, purchased from UV Ceti and supervised by mercenaries from the Pleiades. Caligula XII decided to do this because this is the only way people on Betelgeuse VII will not find out the truth. Slavery is a plaque on any human society. Still, the dictator made a compromise: to give freedom to all the slaves once terraforming is completed.
As far, they managed to divert a few comets, to impact the planet, in order to create a small ocean. They altered the Geography, making canyons through high mountain ranges, to allow winds to pass and to form river valleys. Now they are meliorating the atmosphere, water composition and ground structure. The most expensive part is almost done. After a certain point, nature finds its own way. Plants will grow and conquer the land, followed by animals. For now, plants are stored as seeds, waiting for the atmosphere to become breathable. Bacteria and algae has already been released on the planet.
The gamble is that, before Caligula XIII will end its reign, most changes will be done. If things will be like this, nature will conquer the land by itself.
Then, comes another gamble. As far, the ISA (Interstellar Agency) doesn't know what is going on. All terraforming was done with the help of the Empire Of The Pleiades. Both the ISA and the Pleiades Empire received some bribery to shut up. However, things will not remain like this forever. The Pleiades will be tempted to annex the new planet, as a border province. It will be better to declare it to the ISA, so that they will build a base and start interstellar commerce. If the Pleiades take this planet, everything is lost. This huge gamble is on the head of Caligula XII. If things go well, a new state, Betelgeuse S, will form.
The days to new elections are numbered. What will it be? Will terraforming be finished in time? Will the Pleiades annex the new planet? Will Betelgeuse survive long enough?
TO BE CONTINUED
The people who kill their kings are cursed in front of their gods (ancient saying).
In two days, there will be elections. The people of Betelgeuse VII will chose their new dictator. All over the planet, people want the ruling dictator, Caligula XIII, to be judged for all what it done. The dictator knows that, after a short trial, it will be sentenced to death for violating the constitution and for diverting money. What people don't know is that the star, Betelgeuse, will soon go supernova. So, the dictator helped the former dictator, Caligula XII, to secure funds for terraforming a planet around another star. Caligula XII, during this time, reigned on the moon of Betelgeuse VII, where it made a lot of money from activities that were illegal on the planet. However, some money is still needed to finish the terraforming process. When the dictator will no longer reign, the one which will take power will dissolve the autonomous region of the moon. Then, there will not be possible to divert any more money.
Caligula XII knows that, if it comes to the planet, people will kill her too. But it is the only way. If nothing is done, the new planet, Betelgeuse S, will not be habitable. Also, since all terraforming occurred with technology from the Pleiades and knowing that the Pleiades Empire will like to annex the planet, it has to do something to register this planet as an independent state and convince the ISA to build an orbital station. All can be done with the help of bribery, which means more money.
On the moon, Caligula XII, which is a transgender woman, puts on black clothes, like those for a funeral. Then, it says short:
"Delta, you will be the new dictator of Betelgeuse S. Take a spaceship and go there. Etna, you start to evacuate people from the moon and take anyone to the new planet. It is time to tell our people what they have been working for. I go to the ISA orbital station and talk to them".
"Now?" asks Delta. "The elections are coming. People will kill you".
"Don't you think Caligula XIII did already enough? It suffered too much, while I stayed here and enjoyed freedom. I take a million CC with me, to pay the ISA for the new base".
"Ok, but try to return before the elections".
"How much money do we need to finish terraforming?"
"55 millions CC", answers Delta.
"That money will come tomorrow".
Caligula XII takes its personal spaceship and flies to the orbital station. There, it offered the money and made the official arrangements. Within two days, a new state will form, Betelgeuse S. Then, within an Earth year, the ISA will build an orbital station and a base on the surface. The former dictator spends a whole day on the orbital station, talking with officials of the ISA. Everything goes just according to plan.
Then, Caligula XII takes its ship and flies to the planet. It is the election day. It knows very clear that it will not return. The tension is huge. People will judge it like a traitor and will request the death sentence. As it lands on the surface base and starts walking towards the dictatorial palace, people gather around and shout:
"Death to the traitor!"
"Justice to be made!"
"Where is the money?"
But the former dictator doesn't look at them. It walks towards the palace, which is not too far. It enters and goes directly to the throne room. There, on the throne, Caligula XIII is sitting, with its long yellow dress and with the iron crown, receiving audiences.
"What brings you here?" asks Caligula XIII.
"We are almost done", answers the former dictator.
"Almost?"
"We are short 55 million CC. All the rest is done".
The dictator lights a cigarette and says:
"So is my life. Tomorrow, I will take off this crown".
"I know", says the former dictator, also lighting a cigarette.
"You say 55 million CC? Are you sure?"
"Yes, exactly that sum of money".
"Ok. As the ruling dictator of Betelgeuse VII, I order a money diversion of 100 million CC, right now. The money will come to the moon within minutes. Transaction proceeding now!"
The dictator goes to an interactive panel and approves the money diversion. Since everything that happens in the throne room is public, everyone on the planet can see it. People will be shocked. At the end of its life, the dictator diverts such a big sum of money, 40% of the state budget, to a separatist region, without any explanation.
"This is the last day of my life", says the dictator. "I want to rest a bit. Today, I will have no more audiences. I know this is a violation of the constitution, but so be it! Once I have confirmation that the money has been sent and received by the moon, everyone is free. We will close the palace".
To make sure that the money has been paid and there is no way anything can happen, both dictators stay in the throne room for a few hours. Then, they go, without saying a single word, to the forbidden building.
All the way, people stand along the road, shouting, saying bad words to the dictators. Everyone is angry on them and everyone wants their death. But, nobody dares to attack them. After all, this night, the elections will end and the results will be made public. Then, both will face their deaths. Both enter the forbidden building. There, surrounded by plasticized sheets of paper depicting the real measurements of the star interior, done almost a hundred Earth years ago, lies the neutrino telescope, the only device that can see inside a star. The telescope shows what is happening. Betelgeuse will not hold on for much longer. carbon fusion has ended in the core and now it is continued in a shell. Soon, neon fusion will start. Both dictators watch this. The star managed to survive this long, but it will not resist much longer.
They stay for hours inside and talk a lot.
Then, they come to Caligula XIII's house. It is their last night of life.
Can you sleep, knowing that tomorrow you will be sentenced to death? For the ruling dictator, time has passed. With each day, it knew that death will be the end, but also the end of all suffering. All these five years were a nightmare, with so many people screaming, with public accusations, with so much harassment. All will end soon. At least, its mission will end: to secure funds, so that the people will have a new planet to live on.
Caligula XIII sits near the window, smoking one cigarette after another. Outside, people celebrate. A new dictator was elected. It is a feeling of relief, that finally, all the suffering will come to an end, but it also is a lot of anxiety. It doesn't want to die. But, even now, people want its death, they scream this on the streets. If only they knew what all this was about... If only they knew that all this was done to save them, to offer them an alternative... but they don't know. And even if anyone will tell them, they will not understand. It will be a terrible shock for them to hear the truth. And after all this time, the crowds want to see those who are guilty, brought to justice. It has to be done, it has to end here.
Caligula XII lies on the bed, in a lonely room. The image of so many people, screaming angry and asking for its death, is something that made its mind blow.
"What was in your mind, girl", it asks for itself. "Couldn't you just sit on the moon and flee with everyone to Betelgeuse S?"
No, that was not the option. The terraforming process required money. Without that extra 55 million CC, everything would be lost. Where could they get money from? Without going to the orbital station and paying that bribe to the ISA, the Pleiades would have annexed the new planet. Everything would have been lost.
But knowing that tomorrow you will face a death sentence...
The former dictator starts crying. Wouldn't it be wise to run back to the moon? No, it would not be a good option. In the morning, the new dictator will take power and will ask for all criminals to be brought to justice. It will send ships to the moon. Evacuation of the moon cannot be made so fast. Up there, Etna is loading people, equipment and anything that can be saved, to large ships that go to Betelgeuse S. It is vital to distract people from the planet, until the evacuation is done.
"I must die here, so that Etna can have time to evacuate the moon", whispers Caligula XII, crying.
Outside, people are shouting. The former dictator hears them. Maybe, they will not let her pass. But even if they will, it will be a shame for her to runaway. After all this time... It feels a deep respect for the ruling dictator, who sacrificed its life and endured all this for five years. The former dictator cries for hours, it rips its own clothes and starts to beat the bed with its fists. All, until dawn comes.
Both dictators did not sleep a single minute. So did the people outside, who watched them, not to get away from justice. As morning comes, both get dressed with black clothes, like if they were attempting a funeral. Well, it will be, their funeral. They try to eat something, but cannot swallow anything. Only a few cigarettes make their way to their bodies.
"We sacrificed our lives for the people..." says Caligula XII. "And these people are the ones who will kill us".
"I know", answers Caligula XIII. "But let's do this faster. I cannot wait much longer".
They get out of the house and move to the palace, to the throne room. There, they see the newly elected dictator. It appears as a man and it is a man in all aspects. Its name is Dove Thor. He is born on Betelgeuse, but is not a transgender person, but still, he is gay. Well, on a planet that is a paradise for transgender people and rare sexual minorities, that is something normal. Dove is a tall, creole and respectable man, wearing a white costume with a tie and clean shoes. He has short hair and his beard is shaved.
"Greetings", he says, watching the two former dictators coming.
Caligula XIII takes its iron crown off its head and puts it on Dove's head, saying:
"You are now Caligula XIV, the new dictator of the free state of Betelgeuse VII. From this moment on, I am a free citizen".
The new dictator adjusts the crown on its head, then says:
"It is a honor for me to wear the iron crown, that was worn by the whole Caligula dynasty. As the new elected dictator, I promise to all who voted me, that I will not disappoint you. I will restart the economy, make it grow again and bring justice to all the problems our state is facing. And I will start it right now".
"You know what you have to do", says Caligula XIII. "So, do it quick. I know what is the punishment for what we've done".
"That is my understanding too", says Dove. "But why?"
The two former dictators don't answer a single word.
"Knowing that the punishment is death, why did you do this?" asks Dove, again, lighting a cigarette.
"For our children", says Caligula XII. "They are now safe, in the Empire Of The Pleiades".
All this is a lie. Well, at this point, both former dictators want the end to come faster. A long trial will force them to tell the truth. And when that will happen, things will not be well. Caligula XII might still want to save its life, but when she looks at Caligula XIII, with its bloody eyes... its look only says 'Do it faster! Kill me and do it without much interrogation'.
"I never knew you have children. But you sacrificed your lives and made the whole state angry, only for that? Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean, do you really think your children will do things right where they are? Maybe, they will waste all money you stole from us, on gambling. And then? What will happen to them?"
Caligula XIII looks Dove straight in his dark eyes, with the look of a zombie.
"Listen, dictator, people will judge me for this. Now, please, do me a favor. I want to end this thing sooner. Can you send us to death faster? Everyone knows that we are guilty. I mean, why to interrogate us? Why to make things last longer? Just take us out of life".
Dove - Caligula XIV thinks for a few seconds and says:
"I understand that there is no or almost no way we can recover much of the money you stolen. So, I agree. It will not be a long trial. The public execution will take place today at noon. Until then, you will be token to the central square and exposed to the people. At least now, you will see those who you should serve, who voted you and who trusted you all this time".
Things go exactly this way. The two former dictators are token to the central square. There, they stay, tied with ropes by a tree. People gather around them, insulting them and spitting. This keeps on like forever. Time flows very slow. Caligula XIII is patient, waiting. On the other hand, Caligula XII is crying.
Then, at noon, Caligula XIV comes and says:
"I condemn you both to death, for violating the constitution, for not thinking about the people who you should serve and for money laundry. In fact, you did it all with your hands. What you both did is a scar on our history, that people will not forget soon. Your hands are dirty with blood. Our blood. I don't want to execute you and nobody wants to kill you and take all your sins. So, you both are condemned to drink poison and die, taking your own sins with you to the afterlife".
Saying this, Caligula XIV unties them and gives to each one a glass with poison. Not thinking much, Caligula XIII takes it and drinks it fast. Then, in a minute, it falls on the concrete and dies. Caligula XII refuses, but all the people shouts at it. Very scared and crying, it takes the glass and drinks. One more minute and both dictators are dead. All around, people shout of joy.
"It is a sad day for all of us", says Caligula XIV. "What they did is very bad and I hope nobody will ever do this again in our future. I want them both to be buried now, without any funeral. No priest is allowed. They must go to hell together with their sins".
**********
The next day, Caligula XIV sends ships to the moon, to annex it and make it an official part of the state. However, all is abandoned there. All people went away and he does not know where they left.
After four more days, he decides to enter the forbidden building. He promised that in his campaign. So, he takes the press and opens the door, wanting to show the whole planet what was kept secret from their eyes for such a long time. But, as gets inside, all he can see are plasticized papers, from the time of the founder of Betelgeuse VII, Caligula I. They show what was going on inside the star at that time. There are also other plasticized sheets of paper, made by Caligula XIII. They all show that Betelgeuse is dying. He notices the neutrino telescope and the daily measurements done by the former dictator.
"So this is it", says the ruling dictator, in front cameras. "It appears that the sun will go supernova. Instead of telling us the truth, they decided to lie. They saved their children and left us all here to die! What a shame!"
The dictator leaves the building, but the press remains. They discover a goodbye letter, written by the former dictators, placed near the neutrino telescope:
Dear people,
By the time you will read this letter, we will no longer be with you.
Our sun, Betelgeuse, will not last long. It appears that our beloved founder, Caligula I, knew something, but not all. Our first dictator, Caligula II, kept all this a secret for all its life and never allowed anyone to enter during its lifetime. When we found out, it was late, but not too late. We decided to do something.
We diverted money for one reason. At only ten light years from here, there is a planet, Betelgeuse S, that will be your new home. We terraformed it, so that your children could move there when time will come. We did all this in secret, because it was the only way. The constitution does not allow investments in another stellar system.
May you forgive us for all what we done. May God protect you all and save your children on the new planet.
Caligula XII and Caligula XIII.
Children are like a mirror of their parents. If parents are doctors, children will usually be attracted by medicine. If parents are alcoholics, children are predisposed to drink (child psychology).
But what will happen if parents are transgender people?
The planet Betelgeuse VII was built as a paradise for transgender people and rare sexual minorities. It is a refuge in space, where millions have settled, away from those who rejected them. In the first decades, population was dominated by immigrants. The founder of this world, Caligula I, insisted in its constitution that, the use of hormones, body implants or transgender surgery should be possible only after waiting five Earth years for an approval and only after the age of twenty.
Things worked like this for a long time. Then, the former dictators Caligula XII and Caligula XIII broke the constitution, building on the moon an autonomous region, where such things are available for anyone. They were sentenced to death for violating the constitution. However, the newly elected dictator, Caligula XIV, faced a massive budget deficit. Many people asked him to change the constitution. Even if Caligula XIV was not a transgender person, he agreed. He acknowledged the huge progresses in medicine. Now, with induced DNA modifications, it is possible to make transformations complete. The reason why Caligula I restricted transgender modifications is that, in its time, it was impossible for a transgender woman to have children or for a transgender man to have functional spermatozoids. Now, with current technology, people can change their DNA completely with the help of a virus, then grow in vitro organs of the opposite sex and replace them through surgery. It is now possible for a man to become a woman or a hermaphrodite, or for a woman to become a man or a hermaphrodite. And also, very important, it is possible for a transgender person to have reversal surgery with DNA transformation.
In just four days after becoming the elected dictator of Betelgeuse VII, Caligula XIV asked the people to say what they think in a referendum, which would allow him to change constitution. If 75% would vote for and 25% against, the modifications would be accepted. But, 76.5% agreed with him. So, the new law was accepted. From now on, on Betelgeuse VII, anyone being more then 10 Earth years old can have body modifications. Below this age, body modifications are allowed only for medical reasons.
But how are the children of Betelgeuse?
From a very young age, people on this planet are used to go cross-dressing. It is something so normal for them to do this, just like it is for children on other planets to change their regular clothes. On any planet, some children are tempted to try to use clothes from the opposite sex, but they are strongly prohibited. Those who do this, do it only when they are home alone and never in public. However, on Betelgeuse VII, this is something common. Travelers have reported this over and over:
I came to a small town, like most settlements look like on this planet. A school was close. So, I came to see the children. It was something amazing. I seen little children, but it was impossible for me to say if they were boys or girls. I've seen boys with skirts and child pantyhose, together with girls with short hair and boy clothes. Some, even worn clothes belonging to both genders. It was all so confusing, that I felt dizzy.
Even their names don't have anything to do with gender. They simply don't associate a name with a gender. I've seen a boy, dressed as a boy and being a male in all aspects, having the name Ana. Not far, there was a girl named John, looking like a girl and having a female gender. I am amazed even today of all this. On any other planet, people are strongly separated in men and women, but not here. And also, there is a significant percent of hermaphrodite people. Even children are born this way.
I asked how do these children go to the toilette. I mean, this is the point where people are most separated by gender. Surprisingly, the answer was one I never expected. They go together. They don't have a 'boys room' and a 'girls room', but one common bathroom, where each one enters alone in a single toilette room.
As they grow-up, children are so used with cross-dressing, as they find it extremely natural. As they become teens, it becomes very common for boys to glue fake breasts or for girls to glue fake beards and mustaches. One journalist asked a 14 years old teen:
"What are you?"
"Today? I am a girl. Yesterday I was a boy. Tomorrow, I don't know".
Cross-dressing has reached an incredible level. For their parents, which settled here, it was not like this. They preferred to look in one way for many days, even years, but for their children, it was so different. Their parents were more determined. Many, once they settled here, free from the constrictions of the world they came from, cross-dressed to the opposite sex for their entire life, or at least for many years. For their children, it is all very different.
When it became possible to change gender, a new trend appeared, something nobody expected: to become hermaphrodites.
For those who came here from other worlds, things were much more different. Those who opted for body transformations, chosen to become transgender men or transgender women. However, for the children, born here, everything is different. From a very young age, they were told that once you cross gender, a reversal transformation is very hard, if not impossible... so, they chosen a new way, the herm way.
Well, at that time, things were different. Artificial organs, belonging to the opposite sex, were not able to breed. So, a person born as a male, will have its functional male organs and non-functional female organs. Then, a delicate hormonal equilibrium was needed, to keep both organs as they are. But now, with genetic improvement, it is possible to change the gender chromosomes, X and Y, into a new one, Z, which includes both male and female features.
Surprisingly, even if people change their appearance so much, homosexuality is not found in many relations. Heterosexuality remains dominant.
Two teens, born on Betelgeuse, decided to get married. However, the man preferred to dress more like a woman and the woman preferred to dress more like a man. They had their first child. Later, both parents decided to have gender surgery with DNA modifications. This time, the woman (which was a former man) became pregnant, with a boy. It is a strange situation, where a parent is called "mom" by one child and "dad" by the other. Then, they decided to go for a second surgery and became both hermaphrodites. And since they changed their X and Y chromosomes with the artificial Z chromosome, they made a child, which is a herm. This child calls "mom" the parent which gave it birth and "dad" the other one.
But, with the introduction of the Z chromosome, things got on an unusual track. Now, it is possible for a single person to get pregnant with its own semen. This happened a few times.
A reporter from Sirius came to Betelgeuse VII with an unusual and indiscrete question: How do herm people have sex? He found the answer and wrote for everyone to see:
The hermaphrodites of Betelgeuse present a unique challenge. Is it possible for them to have sexual relations? Yes, it is, both as men or as women. However, the male organs are above the female ones. So, almost always, when they have sex, one plays the role of a man and the other of a woman. It is possible for them to use both organs, but one must stay with its head towards the other's feet... and they say it is not a pleasant position. So, they use one organ at a time.
Is it possible for a hermaphrodite to have sex with itself? No. Some might, but also, they say it is not pleasant.
What amazed me is that there is a huge market of sex toys for herm people. They use them on a large scale, producing an orgasm on each of their organs. It appears that they use these toys more when they are together, but also when they are alone.
What I thought, is that the introduction of the herm race will make people no longer wish to form families, but it is not true. It clearly appears that people like to stick together and there is attraction between them. The major difference is that, there are no longer 'boys' and 'girls'. On Betelgeuse VII, I see that anyone can form a family with anyone.
Now, let's take a look at a young family. Dawn and Emerald form a couple. Dawn was born as a man, while Emerald as a woman. They had their first child, Sugar, which is a girl. Then, they went to DNA transformation and surgery and changed genders. Dawn became the woman and Emerald the man. This way, they had their second child, Crystal, which is a girl. Again, they had DNA transformation and surgery, so that they became hermaphrodites. They had a third child, Cara, which is a herm. Then, they further transformed their bodies and added horns. Except for their unusual appearance, with horns, with a silvery-white hair and with organs from both genders, they take good care of their children.
Now, all three children are young, not yet going to school. They play together and find their parents not unusual. In fact, this is how many people look like around them.
Well, Dawn and Emerald are born here, but their parents are not, they came here. Their children are the second generation born on Betelgeuse VII.
Another major difference, compared to other planets, is that on Betelgeuse VII, children start smoking very early. Instead of using an aggressive anti-smoking campaign, doctors preferred to upgrade the human DNA, to make humans resistant to this.
**********
In many aspects, Betelgeuse VII appears to be a unique place in the galaxy.
Only that, Betelgeuse, the sun that brings light and heat to this planet, is dying. This was a well-kept secret for a long time. But now, it becomes known by everyone. The former dictator Caligula XIII sacrificed its life to start terraforming another planet around another star. Even if the terraforming process is almost finished, people will need to wait 18 more Earth years before all the carbon dioxide in its atmosphere will be fixed by vegetation and the air is breathable. Betelgeuse has 19 to 22 Earth years left... if anything goes as planed. Only if... There is a significant chance that things will not go this way, that the star will collapse faster, if neon fusion will not occur when it was predicted to start. Still, people don't believe this yet. The media required more detailed analysis of what is happening inside the star, but each new experiment proves that the star is dying.
It will not take much until people will accept the truth... but now is the moment when the civilization on Betelgeuse VII has reached its maximum. Now... Tomorrow, chaos and panic will follow.
Everything has a story and every story is based on something (Legend Of The Shadow).
For a long time, the planet Betelgeuse VII has been a paradise for transgender people and rare sexual minorities. But now, things are changing. The star will go supernova soon. The former dictators Caligula XII and Caligula XIII terraformed a new planet in secret, but it is not habitable yet. It will be, just a few Earth years before Betelgeuse will explode.
Still, in the Old World (the stars surrounding the Sun, the first places where humans settled), people are only starting to find out this. This is why new settlers still come to Betelgeuse. They are transgender people or people from rare sexual minorities, who are discriminated and rejected in their homelands and want to start a new life.
One of these people is Bob - Adrastea. But what is his\her story?
Bob was born as a man. His parents were space merchants. They traveled the space in all directions. Most often, they transport legal cargo, like electronics, ores, food, textiles or machinery. But sometimes, they go for what is forbidden: drugs, slaves or weapons. Given the immensity of space, it is easy to transport illegal stuff. You take the cargo from somewhere, then deploy it on an unknown asteroid to another merchant and so on.
From all this, the traffic with slaves is the most profitable. Slaves are grown in body farms, which are usually located in the infamous system of UV Ceti. That system is an anarchy, ruled by mafia cartels and an endless war that has been raging for centuries. The main buyers for slaves are state governments. On planets affected by long economy recession, population is moving away. There, governments have to do something to find a steady supply of workers, to keep the economy alive. Even if this is illegal all over the galaxy, each government has found a way to make it nearly legal.
Bob strongly opposed to slave traffic. But, one day, his parents decided to do this. Slaves are sold with an average of 660 CC each on UV Ceti. Not far, in HH Andromedae, the government offers 2300 CC for 'new residents'. The ship owned by his parents could carry 500 slaves. given the transport costs, which are around 7000 CC for a one-way trip, the profit is ensured by only carrying 6 slaves. Only that, Bob's father, got a special request. The government of HH Andromedae will pay 10000 CC for each breeding female. The cost for such a slave on UV Ceti is 2500 CC. It is clear that the profit will be around 3.5 million CC!
So, Bob's parents decided to take the risk. They know very well that pirates will be lurking nearby, willing to get their hands on all this booty. From ten ships that go to UV Ceti, at least one never returns. But for all that money... it is worth the risk.
Merchants that go to UV Ceti travel in large groups. Usually, they form in the rich stellar system of Sirius, where pirates don't dare to go. They reach UV Ceti in large numbers, go together to a body farm and return in the same formation. Traveling this distance, above the speed of light, in a space bubble, takes about 15 days for each journey, plus a few more days to accelerate and decelerate. Bob is very used with this. He usually spends his time in his room, in front of a computer. He is studying at a virtual university in the 3rd year, but still has plenty of time. In his free time, he is writing comics and manga about a girl, Adrastea. His work is fan-fiction, inspired by an anime series of his childhood. He got in love with Adrastea, which is an anime character. Alone, in his room, with the door locked, he sometimes dresses as Adrastea, but his parents have no idea.
All the ships arrive to UV Ceti. This system consists of two red flare stars, which erupt very often, destroying the atmospheres of any planet close enough. No life can survive in these conditions. Inhabited planets are far away, where temperatures are as low as -250 C. There are the body farms. There will go the ships. They all land in a giant smuggler base.
His mother remains in the ship, to protect it. They know very well: anyone here can be a thread. Anyone can kill you, steal your ship or at least try to steal something from you. Bob goes with his father and many other merchants. But since Bob's father is here for a special offer, he goes, together with Bob, inside the body farm.
People on UV Ceti have no morals, no sense of humor and no mercy. They are always after money and love to torture other people. What Bob finds out very soon is that, inside the body farm, all workers are men. As he enters, he can now see what nobody could have a photograph of. Breeding or pregnant women are kept in cages, in building blocks that have over 20 levels. All women are naked and are kept each in one cage, which is a cube of two meters wide. There is a powerful smell of sweat, closed air, urine and excrements. Workers are always doing something. Everything looks so painful. They artificially inseminate women in a painful way. They feed them with a rubber pipe that goes through the mouth to the stomach. Women get birth alone and soon after workers come and collect the children. It is a nightmare. Bob watches all this, as his father choses only pregnant women.
Then, all slaves enter a cryogenic chamber and are stored in liquid helium, to be delivered to each merchant. Bob watches the entire scene. Then, Bob returns with his father to the ship. With all the cargo uploaded and money paid, they go towards HH Andromedae, where they deliver all the slaves.
What brings people to a no-return path to death? Greed. Bob's parents could just take the money and stop, but they decided to go again. For Bob, this was a nightmare. He had nightmares. He could no longer learn and eat. His virtual character, Adrastea, has become a fighter for justice against slavery. She now appears attacking pirate ships and releasing slaves. Adrastea plans a huge military assault against UV Ceti, to abolish slavery in the galaxy. Only that Bob's parents have no idea what their child is writing in secret.
Then, Bob's parents try their luck again. They go back to UV Ceti to pick-up slaves. Again, a large number of ships land on planet UV Ceti XI, including the one Bob is in. He tries to stop his parents from doing this again, but in the end, they convince him this is the last time. The fight they have with Bob takes nearly an hour, enough time for all merchants to go.
By the time Bob's father opens the door, one guy enters. He shuts Bob's father in the head, killing him. He kills his mother again, with a single shot in the head. Bob manages to hide. The intruder grabs a few things and runs away. Bob locks the door and waits in silence. He cries. The death of his parents means that he lost everything. He waits a few hours, crying and thinking. But, in the end, other merchants return to their ships. He must pilot the ship out of UV Ceti. He goes with them, all the way to Sirius.
There, after days of crying and thinking, he decides to sell the ship. With all the money from the ship and what he has from his parents, he decides to start a new life. Only that he wants a new identity. He wants to forget the past and start something new. He has something in mind. He heard that on Betelgeuse, many criminals go to transform their bodies beyond recognition. Could he become Adrastea? So, he gets on board of a passenger cruiser to Betelgeuse.
There, he goes to the extreme. A complete body transformation. Adrastea is a woman, shorter then him, with a different body. But he has the money. The transformation he wants is not possible here. Doctors send him to another planet, Betelgeuse S, where this is possible.
How could he become Adrastea? He needs shorter arms and legs, a smaller body, breasts, a female facial look... Doctors adjust his DNA. Then, one by one, all his new organs are grown in vitro and replaced. Doctors first remove his pelvis and feet, replacing them with smaller ones, grown in vitro. Then, they replace his guts, with smaller ones. The hardest of all operations is replacing his backbone, with a new one, shorter, with new nerves. His chest is also replaced, including his lungs, to fit into. New breasts are added. However, the transformation does not stop here. His face must look like Adrastea. It is very hard, since anime characters don't look like real humans. They have larger mouths and huge eyes. The hardest of all is replacing the eyes. First, the skull must be modified to fit this change. Then, the new eyes are added. All neural connections, all nerves, must be perfectly connected. This step takes more then all other body modifications together.
After nearly two Earth years of intensive working, Bob is dead and Adrastea is born. A new person, but with the same soul. Adrastea opens her big eyes with huge lashes. She looks herself in the mirror.
"Wow! I never believed this is possible", she says.
Amazingly, this is not the voice Bob had. It is the voice of Adrastea from the anime. The doctors completed their work.
The next day, Adrastea orders new clothes, like the ones worn in the anime series. She has pink hair. A short black and pink dress covers her body, with a big red star on her stomach. The large breasts are covered by the dress. She also has long pink gloves and pink pantyhose, with black high-heel shoes. Everything is just like in the anime! The mouth is large, with perfect white teeth. The neck is thinner and a bit longer. The arms and legs have no hair and no moles. All the skin is soft, like that of an anime character. The years are larger, the eyes are really huge, the mouth is much larger, with wider lips, the nose is smaller, many things are different. What surprises her is that this new body has no belly at all.
She is shorter, thinner, just like a girl should be in all aspects. All her body parts respond perfectly to her brain's commands. It is like she is inside a new body. There are no scars, nothing that can you believe so many surgeries occurred. All the skin is regenerated. She can feel all her body parts. This new body feels so different then the previous one... and in part it is. Not much of the original body remained.
However, what amazes Adrastea more then everything, is her genitals. She is a woman in all aspects. She could now have sex with a man and have children. Well, Bob was a heterosexual and homosexuality is something he is strongly against, but not Adrastea. She is a woman and former Bob is ready to do even this for her.
There is only one thing missing. The anime Adrastea was smoking pink cigarettes. So, she lights a cigarette and smokes, looking in the mirror. Perfectly! The transformation is complete.
Adrastea goes for a walk on the planet. She cannot breath the air outside, but, inside a hovering car, she can see. The new planet is meant to offer a new home for the people of Betelgeuse VII. Vegetation is growing already, but it will take some time until the air will finally be breathable.
Then, Adrastea finds out about slavery. Here? Only that these people are different. They work on terraforming, knowing that, once this is done, they will have their own villages and will live free. They are not bitten, nor tortured. They plant trees, dig valleys and build mountains, with the help of huge machinery. There are two major challenges for the new planet. First of all, there is not much water. Since a shallow ocean requires less water then a deep one, a lot of earth was removed and dropped into the sea. The second problem is that Betelgeuse S is tidal locked. On one side there will be eternal day and on one, eternal darkness. On the dark side it will be colder and ice will tend to accumulate. To avoid this, all that side must be leveled to form a shallow, endless sea, where only surface water will freeze, while deeper water will circle around the planet.
Because Betelgeuse S is not opened for settlers yet, Adrastea decides to go to Betelgeuse VII, ten light years away.
**********
Adrastea gains citizenship of Betelgeuse VII and steps foot on this planet for the first time in her life. She finds it to be an incredible place. Humans live in small towns, in harmony with nature. And about the humans, she sees the incredible. Men who dress as women, women who dress as men and a huge number of hermaphrodites. Even more, she can see people with horns, with extremely long hair, with animal outfits, even with a tail. Very soon, she finds a place to work and many friends.
Her best friend is Himalia, a hermaphrodite that looks more like a woman. Himalia also wanted to transform its body to an incredible level. She has two mouths: a larger one used for eating and a small one, just above the natural mouth, that she uses only for smoking. She has a short silvery hair. Himalia wears tight silvery clothes, that makes her breasts visible. She has three breasts, which gives her an unusual look. Also, her tight, silvery pants, let people see a small bulge between her feet, the male genitals. She wears very long fingernails and has her arms filled with bracelets. Her feet are covered with long, silvery thigh boots. Himalia is very smart, but also very unconventional. She is also an immigrant to Betelgeuse VII. She was born as a female slave on UV Ceti and managed to escape. She is strongly against slavery and wanted to make sure that once terraforming is complete, slaves from Betelgeuse S will gain their freedom.
What not much people know is that Himalia is a sfenist. She was raped when she was a slave. She started a strong campaign against forced child birth, which is encouraged by many governments all over the galaxy. Many officials wanted her imprisoned or dead for this, but she escaped to Betelgeuse to save her life. But even here, she continued to advice people to stop getting pregnant.
One day, Himalia and Adrastea go together to a park, near their town. Each town has a park close to a reservoir or a lake, surrounded by forest. There, teens go and hangout. They both sit on a tree trunk. Adrastea takes off her high-heel shoes, playing with her pantyhosed feet in water.
"When I was a man, I never imagined that walking on high heels is so painful", she says, lighting a pink cigarette.
Himalia doesn't take off her long boots. She just touches the water with them. She puts a cigarette in her second mouth, lights it and lets a cloud of smoke exit her first mouth, saying:
"Yes, it is sometimes painful to be a woman".
"Now, I know", answers Adrastea, taking a second inhale from her cigarette.
"But on the other hand, it is far better then being a man. Guys certainly don't deserve this".
"I guess you are right".
"When I became a herm, I was amazed how fast this thing gets stimulated", says Himalia, massaging the bulge between her feet. "You see? An erection comes so fast. Sometimes, it happens without a reason. Oh, you know, since you were a man".
"I know, my friend, but at that time I didn't know how it is to be a woman".
"Now you know", answers Himalia, putting the cigarette back to her second mouth, for a new inhale.
"When I went to UV Ceti and I've seen all those women, kept in cages like pigs in a farm, I realized this. But the whole world doesn't realize this, ever. It takes to see it with your own eyes", says Adrastea with a tear in her eyes, moving the cigarette back to her mouth.
"Only people here will understand", answers Himalia, blowing a thick cloud of smoke.
"Just like people from other places will never understand people on Betelgeuse".
"But still, our state used slaves in secret", continues Himalia, keeping her cigarette inside her second mouth while speaking. "I understand that they terraformed Betelgeuse S in secret. I understand that they did all this to save us... but the use of slaves is something I will never accept. Still, if those slaves will one day be free, it is ok for me".
"They will. And Betelgeuse S will be a new paradise, just as Betelgeuse VII is right now", says Adrastea, mixing her smoke with her tears.
"But until then, our planet will no longer be a paradise".
"It must be!" answers short Adrastea. "It is a unique place in the galaxy. I look at all the people around. In other places, they will be strongly rejected. They have no place to go! I wish they will live here until Betelgeuse S is terraformed. Then, we will move all there".
"This is what people are told, but they don't completely believe".
"But things are simple, Himalia", answers Adrastea, throwing her cigarette in the water. "Betelgeuse will make it for 20 Earth years. Until then, the planet will be terraformed already".
"People have been told a lie, that the sun will survive for many millennia. Now, they no longer trust anyone. After they found out the truth, many people, with more or less science knowledge, came and said that Betelgeuse will not make it for 3 Earth years, while others said it will survive for centuries. The official data says it will survive for 17 to 20 Earth years", says Himalia, taking a deep inhale from her cigarette. "However, there is a catch. Not all stars evolve the same. Betelgeuse rotates very fast and this rotation produces a centrifugal force that reduces the pressure inside. This is why the sun has such a large inert core. If everything goes as expected, the core will slowly collapse until neon fusion will start. But if the core suddenly collapses faster, it will create a huge temperature inside. A higher temperature means a much higher part of the energy will be lost as neutrinos. Neon, oxygen, magnesium and silicon fusions, which are expected to start, will produce the same amount of energy and even faster, but all that will be lost very fast as neutrinos. The star will not survive long enough and will go supernova much faster".
"I know this very well, my friend", says Adrastea, "but still there is no good in panic. If chaos occurs, nothing will be possible to do to save the people. We have to take a gamble".
**********
Adrastea wanted to be a superhero, just like the anime character. She decided to fight for Betelgeuse, to save the paradise. One Earth year later, she decided the biggest challenge on the planet: the elections. She chosen to try to be the next elected dictator. She promised that she will fight to keep Betelgeuse VII a paradise and make pressure on Betelgeuse S to be terraformed as fast as possible.
And things got just that way. She was elected as dictator Caligula XV.
Only that, there are now only 14 to 17 Earth years left... and only if everything goes as scientists expected. If things will go this way, in 4 to 7 years from now, neon will start fusion reactions. Then, as neon will be depleted, it will come a short pause. After that, oxygen fusion will keep the star alive for about an Earth year. Then, in a desperate succession, Betelgeuse will try to fuse sodium and magnesium, without gaining much energy... and finally silicon into iron. And then, when the core will be completely made of iron, which cannot produce any more energy, the star will explode.
Now, the neutrino telescope shows a surprising silence inside the star. The large inert core is dormant, even if, given its mass, it should ignite. Outside, there is a very narrow shell fusing carbon, surrounded by a layer of carbon that might ignite at anytime. If that happens, it will create a huge pressure and will force the inner core to start fusing neon much earlier. Further away, there is a shell fusing helium, which is also decreasing its energy output, contracting. Much further away, there is the hydrogen fusion shell, which brings heat and light that people see. The clock is ticking... but it might be ticking faster or slower. Betelgeuse S will not be habitable in less then 10 Earth years.
There is no way to argue with Mother Nature (an ecologist).
Everyone knows that Betelgeuse will soon go supernova. Less and less immigrants go to the planet Betelgeuse VII, the economy remains on the line of stability and the newly elected dictator, Caligula XV, guarantees to the people that, before the star will die, everyone will have time to relocate to the newly terraformed planet Betelgeuse S, which is safe.
But there is a catch. The star has a large inert core, composed of oxygen, neon, sodium and little magnesium. This core is surrounded by a shallow shell fusing carbon, surrounded by a large shell of carbon and oxygen. All that carbon is just waiting to start fusion reactions. The real killer of giant stars is not something big, but a pitiful little subatomic particle, the neutrino. This particle merely interacts with matter. It is produced in large amounts in the core, carrying energy from the star with it. The higher the temperature, the higher the amount of energy lost through neutrinos. Both the inert core and the carbon-oxygen shell are emitting neutrinos, slowly cooling and contracting. As they contract, pressure and temperature increase, up to the point where a new element enters fusion reactions. The star will need to wait a bit more until in the core, neon starts fusing, followed by oxygen. But in the thick carbon shell, things take a different turn. As pressure increases, carbon starts to fuse into heavier elements, mostly neon.
On the planet, rich people bought neutrino telescopes, to see what is going inside the sun. While some people say that doomsday is just around the corner, others are sure that centuries will pass without a problem. But trained astrophysicists know the truth. And they know that even if supergiant stars follow a common evolutionary path, they don't evolve quite in the same way.
Soon after the new dictator changed its name from Adrastea into Caligula XV, carbon fusion started in the large shell. The carbon flame grew very fast, eruptive, so that all neutrino telescopes clearly seen it. This produces a lot of energy, so that the shell expanded, heating-up the next shell, that is fusing helium. The helium-fusing shell reacted, sending a powerful blast upwards, a shock wave that made its way to the surface. This shock wave is far too little to disrupt the star, to create a supernova, but still, it is able to affect the planets surrounding Betelgeuse.
Not all aged stars evolved like this, but many of them, during their final years, behave a bit strange. They throw powerful flares of solar wind, change luminosity or develop a large halo of ejected matter around them.
Real astrophysicists warned through the media that this will happen, but not many people believed them, because there always are false prophets that say strange things.
**********
Because Betelgeuse has variations in brightness, agriculture develop in an interesting way. Sometimes it is cold for 20 days, stimulating plants to think it is spring. During this time, flowers blush. But not after too much time, it gets hotter like in a summer day. Because of this, plants usually have both flowers and fruits. This is of great importance for agriculture.
Lysithea and Elara are two close friends, two teens born on Betelgeuse VII. They recently finished high school and now work in agriculture. They both left their parents behind and moved to a new town. They are not men, nor women. They both opted to be hermaphrodites, even if one was born as a man and one as a woman.
They transformed their bodies a lot, also trying to look the same. It is almost impossible for someone to say who is who. Both changed their eye color into complete black, which is similar to their long, back hair. They have ears similar to those of a cat. They removed their noses with something that looks like a small mouth, with lips but without teeth. Their mouths are also changed in an interesting way. They have larger mouths, with longer canines and sharper teeth, with a double tongue that looks somehow like that of a snake and with wider lips. Also, they both have a mustache made of rare, long and thick hairs, like that of a cat.
But this is not all. They have hair that grow on their shoulders, black hair. Except for the head, mustaches and shoulders, they have no hair on their bodies. Both have large breasts, a bit too large for their thin silhouette. Still, they have claws instead of fingernails and the skin on their hands is rougher, like that of the paws of an animal. The skin on their arms and legs is more shiny, like that of a snake. And they have no toes at all. Their feet extend to where the toes should be.
However, the biggest difference is when it comes to genitals. This is the first thing they changed to their bodies, so that they can have both organs, male and female.
Being a hermaphrodite is a common trend on Betelgeuse VII, but for the outside world, it looks very unusual. Many herm people like to wear tight pants, so that people can see a bulge between their feet. Some people are against this trend, including Lysithea and Elara. They both believe that genitals must not be exposed. Instead, they wear a short skirt, that hides their genitals, but that can be easily lifted, to show what they really are.
Today, it is a cold day. During the night, it was almost freezing. It snowed in the mountains, but in their village it didn't. Because of the cold, they take on a black fur coat, with gloves that let the end of their fingers and claws exposed. They also wear very long flat thigh boots to warm their feet, with black opaque tights beneath. There is not much to do in the garden, because of the cold weather. However, they sit outside the house on a bench and smoke. They put the cigarette in their small, second mouth. Doing so, they have both their hands free to do something else. Even if they get some smoke in their eyes, still this allows them to do both smoking and gardening in the same time. They talk about agriculture, hoping that the weather will change soon... or they will lose their crops.
It is a clear sky. As always, clear sky on Betelgeuse is not quite blue, but some sort of violet. The auroras are visible as narrow filaments of light. The giant red sun, Betelgeuse, just rose from behind the hills, sending its coppery light over the village. Lysithea takes small drags from its cigarette and gently blows the smoke through its half opened mouth, massaging Elara's breasts beneath its coat.
"I think it's getting warmer", it says. "It should, or we will lose all or seedlings".
"Don't worry, my love. The sun will not explode today. Our plants will survive and we will sell vegetables in a hundred days".
"I never believed that the sun will explode. But, it is very cold. Too much for the plants".
Elara moves its hand beneath Lysithea's short dress, gently massaging the area.
"Oh, you shouldn't"...
Elara feels the erection, taking a soft drag from its cigarette. In the same time, Lysithea drops some ash from its cigarette on the coat.
"Don't worry, it will pass away, just like the cold weather".
Suddenly, there is an unusual change in light. They are used with the coppery light of Betelgeuse, but suddenly, it becomes more white and a lot brighter. It is so shiny that they need to close their eyes. The light changes back into dim red, then again into white. Scared, they run into the house. The light is changing again outside, like if someone is welding. They turn on the VV (virtualvision, a 3D hologram television that everyone uses these days), but there is nothing. Same films, documentaries and music channels.
Elara dares to take a look outside. All this unusual light comes from the sun. Is Betelgeuse exploding? It appears at the same size, but with extremely bright spots. The powerful light almost blinds it, so Elara return to the house. Then, Lysithea finds out a welding mask and goes out, to clearly see it.
The sun has one large bright spot. Another smaller spot, but even brighter, can be seen too. They change in brightness very fast. What is going on?
It takes a few minutes and on the VV, a news channel starts explaining:
We interrupt our program with an important announcement. Very bright sunspots have appeared on the sun. People are advised not to look at them with bare eyes. The bright spots emit strong ultraviolet radiation that can burn the retina, resulting in total or partial blindness.
Very soon, the dictator, Caligula XV, appears, live, with an important message:
People of Betelgeuse, please listen to me. The sun will not explode today. I have been watching everything with the neutrino telescope at the state observatory. What actually happens is that a carbon shell ignited in a powerful nuclear reaction. The sun is not in danger. I repeat, the sun is not in danger. The carbon flame sent a powerful shock wave through the sun, that reached surface. What you see is not the end of our lives. As the shock wave reaches the surface, it disrupts the outer layers, bringing hot matter from below towards the surface. This will last for at maximum 30 days, then the sun will return to normal. The shock wave did not propagate towards the core, accelerating stellar evolution. The core is unaffected and is evolving according to schedule. However, during these 30 days, because of increased luminosity, the climate of our planet will be affected. It will be very hot and this extra heat will cause massive storms and hurricanes. Please, prepare yourselves for extreme weather and avoid being exposed to direct sunlight. After this time, everything will come back to normal and we can continue our daily lives.
Outside, the light is changing. But, on the VV, everyone starts to expose its own theory. Some say this is the first sign of the incoming supernova. Some suggest that the dictator has a hidden spaceship and is ready to flee. Others argue that Betelgeuse will not explode soon and all this is a lie used for economic reasons, to destroy the economy of Betelgeuse VII in favor of Betelgeuse S. How could the two know what is the truth?
The sun becomes incredibly shiny, an alternation of white, yellow and orange. It's light falls all over the planet. The sky is, for the first time in history, blue. It is something that, the people of Betelgeuse have never seen. And at night, the auroras are much more brighter. People are used to see the light filaments twisting, merging and separating, changing color in a majestic show. But this night, everything is different. The filaments are far larger, brighter and moving faster. Sometimes, they are like clouds moving very fast over the sky.
Next morning, Lysithea and Elara wake-up. It is not hot and not cold. While they eat breakfast, they watch VV. Someone comes with a computer simulation, showing that Betelgeuse will not explode for sure soon, but it will lose its outer layer of gas:
Carbon fusion produces a lot of heat. During this phase, stars heat-up and expel their outer layers, exposing the hot core. As this will happen... and it will only take a few Earth years, the sun will become a blue giant. In astronomy, blue means hot, it means surface temperatures of over 20 thousands degrees C, instead of 3500, as is in present. The climate will change dramatically. Oceans will boil and life will cease to exist. I advice anyone that can leave, to do so, while we still have time.
Not knowing what to believe, both Lysithea and Elara go to their garden. They have some machinery: self-planting tools, self-harvesting tools, so that basically they don't touch any plant. They only sit, watch, guide the machinery and smoke. It is not a hard job, but it requires patience. Above them, Betelgeuse throws bright rays of light over the fields. By noon, it is getting very hot. So hot, that they take off their fur coats. Then, they take off their boots and gloves. They are all sweat. But it is not only the heat that flows over the land. They also feel very dizzy and start having a headache. For the first time in their lives, they have a heat-stroke.
Unlike Earth's sun, Betelgeuse emits most of its light in red and infrared, with only little ultraviolet. but now, its surface is very hot and sends waves of ultraviolet in all directions.
Feeling bad, the two return home. There, they change to summer outfit. They put on a light white dress, with sandals. Outside, it is very hot, as it never were since they can remember.
The next day, it is the same. The sun is bright, throwing with heat all over the planet. When any ray of light hits you, it feels like it is burning your skin. They return home at evening. Both are covered with sweat. They outside the house, where it is not so hot.
"Do you think we are going to die?" says Lysithea, lighting a cigarette.
"If we watch too much VV, we will", answers Elara, lighting a cigarette too.
"Look at the auroras. Have you ever seen something like that? It is like the whole sky is burning! And the planet is burning, just like this cigarette!"
Elara keeps its cigarette in its second mouth, taking small inhales with each breath. Its hand touches Lysithea's stomach, careful with its claws.
"I am not afraid. As long as we are together, the whole galaxy can burn like this cigarette".
"But it will burn with us", whispers Lysithea, with its cigarette also placed in its second mouth. "I think we should go. We should leave Betelgeuse soon".
"I don't", answers Elara, letting a trail of smoke out of its mouth with each word it says. "You will see, the sun will calm down in the end. I never believed in doomsday".
"Maybe it will not explode now, but it will barbecue us before this happens", says Lysithea, looking at the large auroras. "I am afraid".
"Don't be!" says Elara, playing with its bare foot on the grass. "Just enjoy this unexpected summer".
"You think the sun will calm down?"
"Yes, it will. I trust the dictator. Remember that we voted it".
"I know", says Lysithea, trying to hug Elara with its hands. "But you know very well. Caligula XIII betrayed us. Can we trust the words of this one too?"
Elara moves its hand down below Lysithea's skirt, saying: "We will pass over this for sure. Just hope that our seedlings will not get dried".
"I hope so... but something tells me that the end is near".
Elara hugs Lysithea and kisses it. Their cigarettes touch each other while doing this. But as they do this, some ash falls over Lysithea's skirt. Elara tries to remove the ash, but feels that Lysithea also has an erection. So, it moves its hand below its skirt. They both start playing with each one's genitals.
**********
What caused the auroras is the powerful light that Betelgeuse emitted. It pushed the solar wind already released by the star before the flare. In five days, the real blast reaches the planet. High-energy solar wind hits the magnetosphere, with a tremendous force. During night, the sky is illuminated like never before. People can see clouds of light on the sky, as they move very fast, changing colors in every second. All electricity is turned down. All mass-media is closed. There is no VV, there can be made no online transactions. Money, the local currency, BC, is useless, since there is no terminal where you can pay or get them. Every town is isolated from the rest of the world. Hovering cars burn their electronics and cannot go anywhere. Automated trains are stopped.
Lysithea and Elara go by foot on the concrete streets of their town. It is very hot. People walk almost naked.
First, they hear some screaming.
"We will die! We are dead! We are already dead, but we don't know it yet!" screams someone.
Some people are starting to lose their mind. Isolation is very dangerous.
"We should leave!" shouts someone.
"Now? And where should we go?"
"Out! To another planet!"
"Don't be ridiculous, Telesto! What spaceship can possibly fly through this?"
"Tomorrow, it will be worse!"
Then, they see other people. This time, they are in agony. Fat persons cannot support the extreme heat. A neighbor ran out of water and tried to get some from the river... but got skin burns from the unusual light. An old woman, one of the first settlers, stays in front of its house, looking like not understanding what is going on. She doesn't feel well.
"Our paradise is falling apart", she whispers.
In the town center, where the shops are, people both all goods. With no automated trains, there is no way other goods can be brought. nobody could pay anything, everyone promised that will pay when the online terminals will be back functional. Now, the town is isolated from the outer world. Fruits and vegetables are rotting because they cannot be shipped away.
**********
A few days later, a powerful storm comes. Betelgeuse VII is known to have a mild climate. So, people are not used to storms, flooding and droughts. This is because of the unique Geography, with long peninsulas and many inland seas. But this storm is different. The sky turns almost into black. A very strong wind blows everything in its way.
Elara and Lysithea are in their home, which was built for the natural conditions on the planet, not for what is to come. The wind blows like wild. Then, it breaks one window. The powerful air current formed in the house then breaks another window and another one. Water, tree branches and objects enter the windows, making a disaster. Both decide to hide inside a closet, thinking that this will be safe. Water gets everywhere, while lightning seems not to end at all. And all seems to never end. It continues through the night, all until next morning.
When they try to get out of the closet, it is very hard. The door is blocked. They manage to break through somehow... but what happened here? Their house has no roof. The walls, built on a metallic structure, managed to survive, but the rest is a mixture of mud, dirt, tree branches and objects.
The whole town is destroyed. No house survived in one piece. Many places were flooded. In other areas, huge hail had fallen over buildings. All crops are compromised. The lake near the town is completely silted, so there will be no drinkable water.
But this was not all. Betelgeuse is still very bright, bringing heat to the planet. This continues for more days, with other storms to come.
**********
After 26 days since the sun increased its brightness, it falls back. The light is again copper red, like it used to be. There will be no more storms, no more extreme weather and no more extreme heat... for a while.
The free state of Betelgeuse VII tries to recover... but will it ever? Almost all towns are without drinking water and without electricity. The network of automated trains is fragmented by massive landslides. Almost all electronics has ceased to work, as the powerful magnetic storm burned them. Nearly all houses are destroyed. With only the blink of an eye, the sun showed its power. It is a warning sign of what is to come. From now on, the paradise is lost. About 10% of the population is lost.
Lysithea and Elara survived. Very soon, they find out that there is nobody that can help anyone. Everyone is on its own. they have to sustain themselves with what they have, until some vehicle will be able to reach their town and until the online terminals will be again functional. Up in the sky, they see the sun, big and red, with lighter and darker spots on it, surrounded by this new red ring of gasses. It is a warning sign, a sign of what is to come.
When a sheep moves away, the whole flock will follow (ancient saying).
Cowards run first, valiants go straight and the innocents take all the damage (a warrior).
The star Betelgeuse is approaching its death. Although the large core remains inert, a carbon shell ignited and fused into heavier elements in a powerful blast. The shock wave reached the surface. For about 30 days, the sun was very bright. The tremendous heat released scourged Betelgeuse VII, the only terraformed planet, bringing massive storms, like people never seen. The economy is completely disrupted. There is no electricity, no internet and no transportation. Most people remained homeless. Farmers lost their crops and factories were turned into rubble. In each town, many died during the storm. Others died later, because of the wounds and diseases. Without transportation, it is impossible for medical services to reach anywhere... but all hospitals are turned into ruins. Each town was built near a reservoir, to provide electricity and drinkable water... but now, lakes are silted. Some dams collapsed.
The ruling dictator, Caligula XV, tries to reconnect the railways, so that people and freight can somehow circle around. In past, fast trains travelled with 1000 km/h and local trains with 100, but now, it is good if they make it at all. Electricity must reach again each town and the online panels must work. But the situation is far worse. Even in the capital town, there is huge damage. Even the imperial building is ruined. The iron throne, on which all dictators sat, is half submerged in mud and the building has no roof.
The dictator uses any possible resource to make the economy restart, by using all available funds for the infrastructure and communications. But will it be enough? For everyone, it is clear that everything was destroyed beyond recovery. Trying to see what people think and how they feel like, Caligula XV sends its best friend, Himalia, to take the train and talk with other people. Not many people knows Himalia, so it can travel candid, unnoticed.
Himalia takes the train, one of the few vehicles that survived the disaster. As the train departs, the disaster is clearly visible. In many places, trains travel with only 5 km/h, very slow compared to their initial speed. It travels two days, to get far enough from the capital, then steps out, waiting a train on a secondary line. The town where Himalia arrived is Aphrodite.
Everything is so different. A thick layer of earth and mud covers all the area. Houses are ruined. People try to rebuild whatever they can with the little they have. Himalia goes to the town center, where once was a large concrete square, like in all towns on Betelgeuse VII. There, people use to come, buy what they need or just rest in front of a pub or a saloon.
Himalia goes to a shop and buys a pack of cigarette. They used to cost 1 BC, but now they are 5.33 BC.
"Why do you sell them so expensive?" it asks the seller.
"I just purchased them with 5 BC. It is good that they arrived finally".
As Himalia enjoys its cigarette, a person with the look of a woman and the voice of a man comes and sits near it.
"I never seen you here", it says. "My name is Leona. What's yours?"
"Himalia. Do you want a cigarette?"
"Yes, thanks".
"Where are you from?" asks Leona.
"From Deep Purple", lies Himalia. "I just wanted to see if our town is the only one hit by the storm or not".
"You can see it clear. You are not the only one. My wife died in the storm".
"I am sorry to hear that".
"Well, we are both eterophiles, so we are not quite husband and wife. But still, we lived together. Are you alone?"
"Yes, but I am an onanist. I love myself", answers Himalia.
"The whole town worked at the factory, but it is all gone. I could not believe this! Just gone, not a single wall remained. We only have what we had before the storm. But now, it is simple. No job, no money. And everything is getting more expensive by the day".
"Is anything to work in your town?"
"Not much. All is a ruin".
"Caligula XIII tried to save us, but that sun of a bitch, Caligula XIV, betrayed us. Now, the sun will explode and we have no way to escape".
"Why do you say that?"
"Because on Betelgeuse S, new settlers are not allowed to come. Caligula XIV is responsible for this, because it killed Caligula XIII. Its brother Delta will never accept us there. We will just remain here and die!"
Another person comes, which clearly looks like a woman, but with no breasts and with a long white dress. Its bare feet are covered with mud. It takes a seat nearby and lights a cigarette.
"Just managed to find some of my things in the house. I found many objects that don't belong to me".
"Eda, where's your shoes?" asks Leona.
"I lost them in the mud", says Eda, inhaling from its cigarette, hungry for smoke.
"Part of Calypso's house is on my parcel".
"And Calypso?"
"It's drunk".
"What a stupid! It thinks alcohol will rebuild its house?"
Eda laughs, but only with half of its mouth.
It doesn't take much and someone comes, with a wounded foot, a person that appears to be a hermaphrodite. It has all its clothes dirty, full with mud. Even its hair is dirty.
"Are you ok, uncle?" says Eda.
"On the fuck I am. And on the fuck with this whole village. With this whole planet!"
"Hey, calm down!" whispers Eda, taking another drag of smoke. "We will find a way".
"What way? Don't talk with me like that! It is just a warning! Very soon, we will all die! The sun will explode!"
"We have more then ten Earth years until that", says Himalia.
"I want to die now!" shouts the uncle. "Ten more years like this? Of suffering? What had I done to suffer like this?"
"Hey, calm down", says Himalia. "There will be no more solar explosions like this one".
"Shut up, two mouths!" shouts the uncle. "Shut the fuck up! You talk like that big eyed dictator. It told us that there will be nothing to worry about and look at this. Who believes it? I don't. There will be more and more explosions, until we will finally die".
Himalia returns to the railway station, where it waits. The train comes and waits 15 minutes, to go back on the secondary line. But, there is something else that catches the eye. There are about ten people, which look rich, with clean clothes and big luggage. Trying to se what this is about, Himalia sits close to them, lighting a cigarette, like waiting a train to go. Very soon, it finds out what this is all about. They try to go out. They are going away from Betelgeuse.
"My factory is all a mess", says one of them.
"Let's get out of here before the sun explodes".
"Hey, sheriff, where's your girlfriend?"
"I let it here", answers the sheriff. "I am going out, while I still can".
"I don't think the sun will last for more then an Earth year", says someone else. "The dictator is telling us a lie".
"It lies, like all did before".
"I sold everything when I came here, thinking it will be a paradise".
"Fucking paradise".
Himalia takes the train. There, inside a crowded wagon, a lot of boxes are shipped too. With so many destroyed wagons, everything must be carried with what remained functional. What little remains on the planet, is shipped with what vehicle can still travel. The railway is heavily damaged. The train struggles to pass on destroyed tracks. Tree trunks have been removed and are left near the line. There are many landslides. There is so much mud along the way, that has been removed and deposited near the line. Many collapsed bridges are replaced with smaller ones, more fragile and requiring speed restrictions.
Along all stations, people try to repair their homes, try to cleanup the mess. Farmers have compromised crops and are trying to plant new ones. Also, people say that prices are going up. It is something expected, since request is far larger then demand.
**********
What kills a bank? When all people who have money in deposits, request to take it out.
This is exactly what is happening now. The richest try to take whatever they have or whatever they can and flee. Those rich enough, which have a spaceship able to travel between stars, are the first. They take their economies or even borrow as much money as they can, then exchange their money from BC to interstellar currency, CC. Then, they leave. Those not rich enough, take whatever they can and go by train to the surface base. From there, they fly to the orbital station, to take an interstellar passenger ship and get out.
Very soon, Caligula XV finds out that something far worse is happening. Some state employees steal money from the state budget, to buy a ticket and save themselves, to get out. The dictator decides to punish them with death, if found.
It was a time when people crowded to get to Betelgeuse VII. Now, they are moving away... and there are not enough spaceships to carry everyone. The orbital station is overcrowded. Many more wait around the surface base for a ticket. The price of a ticket rises even up to five times its initial value.
Well, this does not last for long. After a while, all banks exhaust their supply of CC. There is no interstellar currency available for an exchange. The base, which is owned by the Interstellar Agency, still accepts some exchange, but at a much higher price. In past, the Betelgeuse Credit was fixed at an exchange rate of 1 CC = 1000 BC. But now, things go wild. One ISA credit is sold at first for a few thousands BC, then for more and more, up to a few millions BC.
It doesn't take much and the whole population is trapped. Nobody can afford the price of an interstellar ticket. Nobody goes out.
**********
At ten light years away, there is a completely different story. The free state of Betelgeuse S earns enough money from body transformations. But the planet is not habitable yet. If the process is accelerated, in the coming years, there will be not enough carbon dioxide in the atmosphere to sustain plant life. In the same time, the planet has significant amounts of other toxins, in water, in soil or in the air, that interact with rocks and need to remain there for some time.
There is another problem. How could you invite millions of people to Betelgeuse S? The new planet has no infrastructure and only one city inside a dome. They need to build towns and transportation routes. They need to provide electricity. Also, people will need land to farm. All this comes with huge costs. This is what Delta, the dictator of Betelgeuse S, is doing right now. But until the atmosphere will be breathable, nobody can settle.
As Delta finds out what happened on Betelgeuse VII, it sends its best friend, Etna, together with their children Julia and Angela Northern, to tell everyone to resist ten more Earth years. Only that and everyone will be safe.
Well, everyone will be safe only if Betelgeuse will survive that long... or only if something else bad will not happen.
Those who enter here, lose any hope (Dante Alighieri - Inferno).
Once, Betelgeuse VII was the paradise for transgender people and rare sexual minorities. But now, the star is going supernova. As the economy collapses, people realize that, for most of them, there is no way to get out of here. The former dictators Caligula XII and Caligula XIII managed to terraform a planet at ten light years, which they called The Savior or Betelgeuse S. However, that planet will not open its doors for settlers for ten Earth years, until terraforming processes are finished and until people will have towns and a minimum infrastructure. But many don't believe they will make it.
Usually, red supergiant stars follow a common evolutionary path. After carbon fusion in the core, the carbon is fused in a shell surrounding the core, which slowly contracts until neon fusion starts. The extra heat produced by neon fusion forces a second shell of carbon to ignite, producing a shock wave that can reach the surface. However, the carbon flash occurred, without any neon fusion starting. If the core contracts too fast, when neon fusion will start, almost all the energy will be lost through neutrino emission. The core will evolve very fast into inert iron, then the whole star will go supernova. If that happens, Betelgeuse has less then three Earth years left.
Many people lose their minds. If the end is near, some try to have fun, to die happy. Others start to attack people. Thieves and robberies are on a daily basis. Nobody wants to invest into something, since their doom is very close. But is it?
On Betelgeuse VII, desperation has reached an incredible level. Some people, mainly state employees, want to do anything to get out... or at least to save their children. Money has no value now. Inflation is felt as prices rise almost in each day. Nobody can pay for an interstellar ticket. Nobody can offer anything to a merchant to make it worth. Some rich businessmen offered kilograms of gold and hardly managed to get a ticket. But there is something that is far more worth: the human. Pirates come all over the galaxy, looking for slaves. Pirates make an offer: find 25 people to be sold as slaves and you get a free one-way ticket for a person. This bargain remains in place only if you keep it all quiet. People travel to the orbital station with tickets, like if this is a sign of generosity from humanitarian organizations. But, once in orbit, things are made clear.
**********
Delta, the dictator of Betelgeuse S, sends its best friend and second in command, Etna, to a visit to Betelgeuse VII. Etna takes its child, Julia, as well as Delta's child, Angela Northern. What Etna wants is to calm down the people, to convince them to wait until the new planet is ready to receive them all.
Etna goes to the ruling dictator, Caligula XV, to talk. They both try to convince people that the star will make it for ten Earth years and once Betelgeuse S is terraformed, everyone will be relocated. The fact that it brought the kids is an insurance that this will happen. It also visits the planet, talks with people and sits in public places, eats and smokes in public, to make it clear for everyone that people of Betelgeuse S are their friends. This goes on for many days.
**********
A rich businessman, Enoch, is looking for a way to save its child from here, to ensure a ticket to the old world. Enoch took its child, which is born as a hermaphrodite, to DNA modifications and surgery. The child, which is in fact a 17 years old teen, now looks and is completely a boy, named Jim. Enoch convinced 25 people to join Jim out of Betelgeuse. However, there are a few rich people who don't like what Etna is doing on the planet. If Etna brings hope to people, they will no longer want to leave. They will no longer be manipulated to become slaves. Enoch decides to act, to also save its ass from here. It gets to Etna and gives it a cup of coffee with a strong anesthetic. Then, it grabs Etna and the children. Enoch goes to the space station with its child and 50 people. Etna and the children are brought sleeping, among them. They are all uploaded in a cruise shuttle, then sent to the orbital station.
There, Etna wakes-up. Realizing what is going on, it starts shouting and fights. All 50 people manage to get onboard. Angela Northern is also uploaded. Enoch takes its laser gun and fires, killing Etna, but the guards, which are always present in any ISA base, come fast. They immobilize Enoch. Julia manages to escape from the crowd and goes to its parent, crying. Inside, Angela Northern cries and wants the doors to open. Jim, Enoch's child, goes with the pirates in the control room. The spaceship departs, flying as fast as it can.
Julia is token back to the planet. From now on, it will live close to the dictator Caligula XV.
Enoch does not want to say anything. However, the dictator decides to take extreme measures. It interrogates Enoch and tortures it. Finally, Enoch accepts to speak:
"I saved my son".
"Where is that ship going?" asks the dictator, beating its stomach with its foot.
"UV Ceti".
Everyone knows what that means. Slavery. All those people will be sold as slaves. Everyone knows that UV Ceti is the hell hole of the galaxy.
"You sent fifty people to slavery?" asks the dictator, burning its skin with a lighter.
"To save my child", answers Enoch. "It was the only way to get it out of here".
"Fifty lives for one? This is not fair. I say, not a single human sacrifice to save a million people".
The dictator takes a knife and starts cutting Enoch's skin on its hands.
"You should be skinned alive. All those people that you sent to slavery will suffer more then you. I've been to the body farms myself. I know what it means to be there. You are nothing but an ugly pig that deserves to be barbecued in hell for eternity".
"You don't have children", says Enoch, suffering from pain.
"Oh, I do", answers the dictator. "I have two. And with Julia, now I have three. I could send them out, but I didn't. You know why?"
"Because you love yourself more then your children".
"No", answers the dictator. "Because people voted me and I have a great respect for them. So should you. And do you have any guarantee that your child will not be sold as a slave either? I know the pirates. They killed my parents for a few clothes. Are you sure that your child will not end-up as a slave with all the others?"
Enoch looks like desperate. It never thought about such a thing.
"Listen, fat pig! I should kill you right now, but I won't. Not because you deserve to live another day, but because something tells me that there are many others like you. Tell me how you got contact with the pirates, how they work and how other people did what you did. Do this and you will live, free".
"I won't. That's the deal, that if I say anything, they will kill my child".
"Your child is already dead", shouts the dictator. "Understand? Dead. Right now, it is on its way to UV Ceti, where it will be sold as a slave. There is no way you can find it, ever. Have you ever been to UV Ceti? I did. Some are sold as slaves, others work in the body farms, while others are killed for pleasure or for selling organs".
Realizing this, Enoch decides to talk and tells everything. From that moment, the dictator orders that the access to the surface base and to the orbital station to be locked. Only people with diplomatic passport will be allowed to pass. The Interstellar Agency, ISA, which owns and operates space stations and bases through the galaxy, has always been against slavery. They understand the situation and blocks access immediately.
**********
Far away, on Betelgeuse S, Delta receives the news. It asks to be left alone in its room for a day, to mourn its child, Angela Northern. Then, it orders that Etna's body will be returned to Betelgeuse S and buried in a funeral. Works stop on the planet. Delta orders a large funeral. However, it gives no interview. It says to the press:
"When you lose a parent, you are called an orphan. But when you lose a child, there is no word in the dictionary. The pain you feel is beyond anything. Please, understand me and let me alone. I need time".
Delta knows very well that, once Betelgeuse S is terraformed, it will reign as a dictator for the next five Earth years, then will be elections. But until then, it must continue its job. Alone in its room, it cries:
"My sister, Caligula XIII, sacrificed its life to save the people that killed her. They did the same with Caligula XII, which ruled before. And now, they killed Etna, my best friend, which went to their planet to bring peace. But my child? Why did they sell my child as a slave? What bad thing can a child do?
I grew on that planet. I had friends, that hated me for what I did here. Since my sister told me that Betelgeuse will explode, I sacrificed my life to build those people another home. Now, we are almost done. But do they deserve this? Do they deserve all what we did here? Do they deserve the blood that they wasted?"
After a few days, Delta decides to go back to its office. There is work to do. A dictator cannot have a vacation. However, it decides to build, just between the space station and the dome city, five statues. Each statue will be made of iron, covered with stainless steel. Also, each statue will be a few hundred meters high. The first one represents Caligula I, the founder of Betelgeuse VII, holding the iron crown in one hand. The second statue represents Caligula XII, holding a small neutrino telescope in one hand. The third statue is of Caligula XIII, which holds the planet Betelgeuse VII in one hand and the planet Betelgeuse S in the other. The fourth statue represents Etna, with a sheet of paper where the Pleiades are drawn. Finally, the fifth statue and the smallest of all, is of Angela Northern, which has wings like that of an angel. All five statues are placed on a large platform of iron, covered with stainless steel. On the platform, it is written in all languages:
"The ones you killed are the ones who saved you".
Delta inaugurates the statue, then orders that work should be continued on terraforming and infrastructure. A few things change. The main rail station will be moved to a point where the statues are clearly visible. The base will have only one way out, towards the statues. Asked why did it do this, the dictator answers:
"When people from Betelgeuse VII will come here, they will understand what they have done. For a day, I wanted to let them die and invite other people here. But that is not the way. The statues will be here for millennia, so that they will remember and never forget. And maybe, among those who will come, there will still be alive some of those who participated in the executions of the two dictators or in the murder of my friend and my child".
However, on Betelgeuse VII, people think that, after Etna was killed, Delta will not keep its promise, to relocate the population.
**********
The pirates close the door. They maneuver the spaceship away from Betelgeuse, as fast as possible. When they are at a safe distance and know that no ISA patrol can reach them, they go to the cargo area, where people stay crowded. There, they tell everyone to undress completely and enter the cryogenic chamber. Jim, Enoch's child, does the same. One by one, people are frozen and placed into a tank with liquid helium. Pirates throw away their clothes and objects, to make the ship lighter. Only Jim's clothes remain. The trip takes 60 days. Then, Jim is the first to wake-up. The boy puts its clothes on and goes to the cabin, with the pirates, while all the others, one by one, wake-up and find themselves alone and naked in the cargo bay.
The ship stops, somewhere in UV Ceti. The door opens and slave traders force people out. Each new slave is sold for 500 CC. People realize what is happening. They cry, they try to run, but there is no way to resist. Traders cuff the slaves to a long iron chain and bring them all out.
"Welcome to hell!" says their new owner.
Jim, in the cabin, sees the sky. Ships are lurking all around. Inside them, there must be merchants, looking for slaves. Its heart beats like wild. Are they going to sell him too? No. The pirates take him to the nearest solar system, Tau Ceti. There, they upload him in an escape capsule with a parachute.
The capsule flies towards a planet, it enters the atmosphere, then deploys a parachute, landing somewhere in a corn field. Jim gets out and looks around. There is nobody. He starts walking, looking for someone. He can see a town nearby.
But, once he enters in that town, he finds out that everything is different. There are no hermaphrodites here, no cross-dressers, no transgender people. His parent told him that outside Betelgeuse, transgender people and people from sexual minorities are discriminated. People look like the same. They move on the streets, like robots. Some of them even hit him. The air is polluted here. The plants seem to be affected, some are dried, some are showing signs of sickness. All buildings seem covered with a layer of dark polluted materials. On the streets, there are many buildings.
With no identity card, with no money and with no food, soon, Jim looks for a way to talk with someone. He desperately wants something to eat and to smoke. When he tries to talk with nearby people, they simply don't listen, they move away. Nobody wants to talk with him at all.
When it is getting dark. Jim is very hungry and tired. In the end, he finds a pretzel on the street and an unfinished cigarette. Then, he goes to a park and lies on a bench, trying to sleep. The police finds him. They take him to a station and interrogate him. Realizing that he is an immigrant with no money, they just throw him out on the street.
Having no alternative, Jim has to be a street rat. He finds very hard to adapt to this new world. After many days, he finds another street rat, another fugitive from Betelgeuse, another teen, former hermaphrodite, which undergone surgery, to become a woman in all aspects. Her parents also exchanged the lives of many for her ticket out. Both have no other option then to live as street rats. Only after a long time, they manage to find something to work, hard and for less money.
They form a family here. During the day, they work hard to sustain themselves, hiding from police squads. During night, many times they go out and watch the night sky. From here, Betelgeuse appears as a bright copper-red star in the constellation Orion. Sometimes, they look for hours, thinking about the paradise they once lived in, bout the time they were hermaphrodites and they could dress in anyway they wanted, about the clean air and water and about the friendly people that live there.
"We lost the paradise", whispers Jim, with a tear in one eye.
"I know. But now, our lives are cursed, for those who were sold as slaves, so that we can live".
"It would be much better if we remained. We should have died there with everyone in the supernova. Here, everyone hates us and everyone keeps distance from us".
"Betelgeuse didn't explode... at least yet".
"We are now fallen angels. There is no way for us to go back up there".
You can find life even in the most frozen tundra (notes from an explorer).
Once, Betelgeuse VII was a paradise for transgender people and rare sexual minorities, but now, the planet is in chaos. Its economy is collapsing. The sun might go supernova at anytime if neon fusion doesn't start in its core. People are captive, there is no way out and the sun might explode soon.
In the former forbidden building, where the fate of the sun was kept secret from the eyes of the people, now exists a space observatory, with all results being made public. A neutrino telescope scans Betelgeuse non-stop, to warn people if anything goes bad. But what should people do? If someone tells you: "The sun will explode in a few days and there is nowhere you can go", what good is to know? Still, better then not to know.
But now, there is something different. The neutrino telescope sends some unexpected data. There are two scientists that are constantly monitoring the telescope. As they see, they are very happy. One of them, after a routine check, calls the dictator, Caligula XV. Even if it is past midnight, the dictator ordered scientists to call if anything unusual happens.
"Your highness? I am Admiral, from the state observatory. I have very important news for you".
"What is it?"
"I see an unexpected increase in neutrino emission from the very center of the core. It looks like neon fusion has started".
"Can you give me more details?"
"It is the clear signature of neon fusion. For now, it is not powerful enough, but it's growing until it will sustain itself. The sun will not collapse too soon. We are in graphic".
"Very important and thank you. Please, tell all the press the news. I am happy that we will not die soon".
Inside the core of a supergiant star, when carbon is exhausted, no more energy is produced. The core is still heated for a while with energy produced by carbon fusion in a shell surrounding the core, but when that shell is also exhausted, the core contracts. More pressure means that the core heats-up, until it reaches the point to fuse its next fuel, neon, which is in fact a result of carbon fusion. That is, the star tries to fuse its own ash. Given the conditions inside the core, neon emits an alpha particle, which is a helium nucleus, becoming oxygen. As this happens, it consumes energy. Released alpha particles fuse with other neon atoms, to produce magnesium, a process that generates more energy then it was consumed. Neon fusion will generate energy and will prevent the core from collapsing.
However, a star has about 30% less neon then the amount of carbon it had. Neon fusion produces about 30% less energy per gram then carbon fusion. As one can see, this generates about half the energy. Carbon powered-up Betelgeuse for 600 Earth years plus an additional hundred years when the core was heated by the carbon fusing shell. One would expect neon to power-up the star for 300 Earth years. In fact, things are far worse.
The real destroyer of massive star is a tiny, pitiful subatomic particle, the neutrino. During carbon fusion, this particle takes away about half the energy generated. During neon fusion, about 1000 times more energy is lost through neutrino radiation. The star has to fuse neon at far greater temperatures and an alarming faster rate, to counter the neutrino loss. In other words, even if carbon could prevent the core from collapsing for 700 Earth years, neon will not make it for more then four. After that, as pressure and temperature will increase, oxygen will start to be fused. But, as that will happen, neutrino radiation will be 100 times more powerful then it were during neon fusion. So, the star will have to fuse oxygen and the following elements much faster.
In the year 3051, when the first detailed measurements were made, it was clear that Betelgeuse will only survive for 24 to 27 Earth years. Doomsday was expected to be between 3075 and 3078. It was the year when dictator Caligula XIII took power. Ten Earth years later, in 3061, Caligula XV took power. Now is the year 3065. Knowing that neon fusion has started, scientists calculate exactly how much time has the sun left. They know how it will evolve. That was the question, the difference between life and death. A failure to ignite neon would mean a fast core collapse. If that would happen, neon fusion should occur at much higher temperatures and a far larger percent of the energy would be lost as neutrino. But now, it is very clear.
The state observatory predicted that neon fusion will start. Their prediction was 24 days earlier. This is a severe punch for all the false prophets, who predicted that the sun will die much faster or that it will not explode within a few millennia. Having trust in their own results, Admiral, the same who called the dictator, makes a new prediction:
"Betelgeuse will survive until 3077. We have 11 Earth years left. I can estimate the date for our doomsday with an error of 45 days. Fortunately, we have enough time. Betelgeuse S will be terraformed and habitable until then. We will have about one Earth year to resettle there. Everything goes according to our calculations".
**********
This becomes the number one news on the planet.
In the town of Pink Bear, on the opposite hemisphere to the capital, it is noon. On the VV, on the radio, usual programs are rolling. Suddenly, all programs stop and the dictator, with its anime appearance, is on every screen.
"People of Betelgeuse VII, I have a very important message to all of you. The sun just started neon fusion. It will not explode now. The state observatory confirmed that it will survive until 3077, which is 11 years from now. That is an year after Betelgeuse S will be habitable. We will have enough time to evacuate everyone".
As people hear this, they shout of joy. They go out on the streets and gather in the town center. Some, continue to watch the news channels, to learn more, but even them, after a while, get out to celebrate. On the same hemisphere with the capital, it's night. There, those who were awake, call each other. Nearly everyone gets out in the night, to the town center, with lights in their hands and with music. It is time for a big celebration.
It is so much joy! People hug each other. They shout: "We will not die!" They celebrate as they never did for such a long time. In past, when Betelgeuse VII was a paradise, people did celebrate. since the planet orbits Betelgeuse in a few hundred years, they took the Earth year. They celebrated a national day, a Christmas and a new year eve and a few more important things. But since they found out that the sun will soon explode, there were no spectacular celebrations.
In past, in the good days, people took care about how they look. They had time and money to have clothes for both genders, tons of make-up and many body accessories. It was a time when body transformations were possible for everyone and not for much money. But for the last years, mainly after the storms which devastated the planet, people found hard even to survive.
Among them, there is an old transgender man. He is one of the first who settled here and one of the first who transformed its body, from a woman to a man. He is now very old, but clearly remembers all. Sitting on a bench and enjoying a cigarette, he looks at the people who are celebrating. Betelgeuse was a world where people dressed in any way they liked, as long as it was not porn. Where are the old times, with extravagant clothes? Where are the unusual outfits? Many people now have ripped clothes. In past, almost everyone had its hair painted, but now, things have changed. They fight to survive. Where is the time when people went to the extreme? Where are the unusual body transformations?
In past, people wanted to have horns, to be hermaphrodites, to have triple breasts, snake tongues, reptilian skin and not only. Now, nobody has money for such accessories. Not even the fake breasts, which were so popular for those who did not want to go to surgery, are seen these days.
"Celebrate, people! Celebrate!" whispers the old man, thinking about the old days.
It was a time when people belonging to rare sexual minorities found shelter on Betelgeuse VII. They considered this planet as a paradise.
But still, people did not forgot the days before. And they hope that, once they will make it to Betelgeuse S, everything will be back like before. One might think that all the suffering and poverty made them turn back into 'usual' people. It's wrong. They gave away something, but not their souls, not their unique identities, not their desires for cross-dressing, not their appearance to rare minorities, that this planet was made for. There is no racism and there is no discrimination on this planet.
**********
Far from Betelgeuse, on an unimportant planet in the Old World, there is a man, Charon. He was born as a man, on that planet, but always dreamed to become a woman. Knowing that people will reject him for this, he chosen to go to Betelgeuse VII. There, he had a complete body and DNA transformation into a woman. He stayed there for a nearly ten Earth years. Then, during the storms, when the economy was destroyed, he had to chose: remain on Betelgeuse and die during the supernova or return to his native place.
He chosen to transform himself back, from woman to man. Then, he went back to the place where he was born. It was very hard, vary painful. It was like its soul died and now only a dead body walks on the streets. People avoid him and he avoids people, which are far less friendly, less tolerant and less communicative then people on Betelgeuse.
In the end, Charon decides to come back. Better to die on Betelgeuse VII then to live a suffering life, where nobody will ever understand a person like himself. It is the third time for him to have body transformations and the second time to become back a woman.
The return of Charon also appears on all news channels on Betelgeuse VII. People find out that, many of those who left, even if they are doing better, are suffering. Those born on Betelgeuse find extremely hard to adapt to the outside world.
Their only hope is that Betelgeuse S, the planet for which Caligula XIII sacrificed its life, will be opened for settlers soon enough.
The news even reach Betelgeuse S. There, Delta, which supervises all work on the new planet, listen carefully and examines the data. Given the deadline, there is no doubt that terraforming processes will be finished and everybody will have a new home. The only problem is that, there will be only little time to resettle all the population. But, it looks possible.
**********
After hydrogen, helium and carbon fusion, Betelgeuse entered its fourth step: neon fusion. It doesn't take much and the core produces more energy then it loses as neutrino radiation. The neon flame expands from the center towards the outer end of the inert core, producing energy, that will help the star to survive for a little more.
Well, the year 3066 has come and there will be elections. The 16th Caligula will be elected. The sun will explode in 3077. So, only two dictators will reign, with a third one lasting for a short time. The end of Caligula dynasty is near. All this, if everything goes as it should go. Still, many things can go wrong.
A wolf was hunted by other wolves. Knowing there is no way out, the wolf dressed like a sheep, started to eat grass and decided to hide inside a flock of sheep. In the end, the wolf got killed by a sheep who had no idea who she killed (ancient saying).
This story starts very far away, in the powerful and rich Empire Of The Pleiades. The empire rules over more then a hundred terraformed planets and is one of the most powerful states in the galaxy. Like in any rich place, there are people looking to make money in an illegal way: through drugs, prostitution, gambling or, as it happens more and more often, through slavery. The emperor strongly opposes to all. Mafia leaders have been executed in public. However, the most humiliating punishment of all, used for traitors, is to take them to surgery, transform them in women and throw them to Betelgeuse VII. But, even so, there still are mafia factions, that hide in the dark.
The emperor of the Pleiades, like all emperors before him, strongly hate sexual minorities and transgender people. When found, such people are to be transformed in slaves and used in the most humiliating works. There is one mafia leader, Stromboli, which is the only one tolerated by the emperor, because he finds and kidnaps such people. The emperor sent a special order that Stromboli will never be arrested and will have free access to any place in the empire. So, Stromboli used this to his aid. He took as slaves many people, even those who are not 'guilty'.
Everything worked fine, until one day, when the emperor found out that his son, the next person to take the throne, is a hidden cross-dresser. Unfortunately, Stromboli found out this too. So, he started to blackmail the emperor, to gain more and more power. This bad situation lasted for a few Earth years, until one day, when the Emperor's son could not take this any more and committed suicide. From that point, the emperor wanted Stromboli dead.
Where on cosmos could Stromboli hide, against one of the most powerful men in the galaxy? There are other empires, too. The Newton Empire could be an alternative, but that empire would also hunt him down, to keep peace with the Pleiades. The Old World, the systems surrounding the Solar System, could be also a good destination, but there, the emperor could send his elite troops in an invasion, only to get Stromboli, dead or alive. The Polaris Empire should also be a choice, but it is in a cold war with the Pleiades. He could also try to run to UV Ceti, the system ruled by anarchy, but there, at any time, a booty hunter will kill you for the bounty on your head.
There is only one way out. Not much time ago, Betelgeuse VII was a paradise for transgender people and rare sexual minorities. But now, that planet is a nightmare, because its sun will soon go supernova. People from Betelgeuse VII terraformed another planet, Betelgeuse S, at ten light years away. There, incredible body transformations are possible. That is the only way out.
So, Stromboli takes his best friend, Rodolfo, to Betelgeuse S. There, he wants to completely transform his body into another man and gain another identity. Things go just like this... but not quite.
**********
Stromboli goes to surgery. The doctors should transform his body completely: new hands to lose his fingerprints, new feet to change his footprints, new teeth and new eyes, DNA modifications, larynges surgery to change voice, skin transformation, anything so that he would become a new man.
Stromboli wakes-up in his spaceship, instead of a hospital bed. He feels his body so different. First, he moves his hands, but finds out that his fingers look like those of a woman, with nails painted in black. Shocked, he looks at his body. He finds himself in a black knee-long dress. Immediately, he can see breasts. He has breasts, like those of a woman! And his feet are covered with pantyhose.
"Nooooooo!" shouts Stromboli, with a female voice.
"What a fuck?" he says again.
He is no longer the tough guy that scared to death transgender people and those from sexual minorities. He is a transgender woman! What happened? And the transformation is completed! He is shorter then he was before, thinner, completely looking like a man. He even moves his fingers under the dress, to find out that... he has female genitals.
He wants to shout again... but is afraid to hear his female voice.
He looks around. The spaceship is flying towards a planet. He tries to touch the command panel, to change trajectory, but the onboard computer responds:
"Fingerprints unknown! You are not allowed to operate the ship".
Yes, his ship is equipped with an automated reconnaissance device. He tries to scan his eyes... but it all fails. He had light brown eyes... but now they are black. He tries a bioenergy scan... but the computer already performed this... and found 'unknown person'. Then, he tries a DNA scan... but again, it is a failure.
The transformation is complete. Not much of the original body remained. The doctors on Betelgeuse S grew organs in vitro and almost replaced all his body with those of a woman.
Suddenly, on the screen, appears the emperor of the Pleiades, saying:
"What do you think, Stromboli? That you could escape me? You blackmailed me and you killed my son. Now, you are to pay for all this. I will not kill you, but give you a worse punishment. You are to land on Betelgeuse VII as a cursed person and live all your remaining life with other cursed people... until their star will go supernova".
Then, Stromboli finds out something else: a picture of his best friend, Rodolfo, with a knife in his belly. It is clear: they killed him.
Unable to do anything, Stromboli watches his spaceship landing smoothly. The ship passes through the atmosphere and gently lands on the ground, in a corn field. It is night out here. As the ship lands, the doors open and the onboard computer announces:
"Self destruct sequence initiated. The ship will explode in 300 seconds".
Stromboli grabs a few things from the ship and runs out. Unused with his new feet and unfamiliar with female shoes, he falls first. There is no time. The explosion will be powerful. He knows this very well. He runs again and falls into a ditch. There is not much time, he better hide here. The ship explodes. A powerful, bright light, is visible. He gets down inside the ditch, into water and mud, covering his ears. The blast wave flies over his head. He stays for a few minutes more, thinking about pieces of metal or other debris that can be blown by the explosion.
Then, he moves away from the ditch. If anyone has seen the blast, will come and try to pick-up something. He is wet, dirty, hungry and very angry on his new body. But this is it... this is his new body. This is what he is now, a woman.
"I must take care of my new body" whispers Stromboli.
But... only hearing his new female voice, makes him angry. He curses the emperor and anyone that made him suffer like this.
He manages to find a road. That is good, it could lead to civilization. It is hard, if not impossible, to survive alone. The road goes through a forest. There, he spots some light. Not knowing what it is, he goes in that direction. He finds out very soon.
Not too far away, he can see the source, in the forest. A few reflectors and lanterns are pointed to a tree, which is filled with colored paper and other ornaments, like a Christmas tree. In front of that tree, there is a person that looks like a woman, singing to the tree and taking care of it. That person eats something, then drinks something and throws the liquid to the tree, at its roots. Stromboli watches, thinking what to do. That person lights a cigarette and gives one to the tree, putting it in the branches.
"I love you! You are the only one to me! There is no other one in my life and there will not be".
Again, Stromboli watches how this person hugs the tree and kisses its trunk, gently cuddling the branches. He remembers about panophiles, a rare sexual minority. He found a few panophiles and sold them as slaves. There was one in love with a train engine... and Stromboli destroyed the engine in his face and forced him to watch all. There was another one, a virtualophile, in love with a computer avatar... and Stromboli forced her to destroy the avatar in exchange for her freedom... but he lied. This made him happy, to do what hurts the most. But now, he is watching a panophile being in love with its tree. He even watches how that panophile starts masturbating while hugging the tree. Well, there is another surprise for Stromboli: the person he was watching is not a woman, nor a man, it is a hermaphrodite.
He watches all, thinking what to do. "I should kill this creature. But first, I will tie it with ropes, then burn the tree and force it watch all. And then, I will put it on fire, to burn together with its beloved tree". The panophile finishes all, kisses the tree and then moves a bit away. It lights another cigarette for itself and one for the tree, putting it in the branches. It prepares a place to sleep, near the tree. Watching this, Stromboli prepares himself to attack. He can see food, a place to sleep, clean clothes and cigarettes. All these things are useful. He uses the dark to come closer. He knows very well how to kill with bare hands... but he is not used to these hands, to the hands of a woman. But still, he has to do it, to get something to eat and to smoke. He moves closer... but at some point, his shoe makes some noise. The panophile turns towards the source of noise, while Stromboli thinks what to do.
"Hi!" says the panophile. "I am Tasha and this is August, my partner. Who are you?"
"I am... just passing by", answers Stromboli, not knowing what to say.
"I never seen you before. You are not from our town. Oh, your clothes are dirty. What happened to you? Do you need help?"
"No, thanks", answers Stromboli. "Just don't tell anyone that you've seen me here".
"No problem. Nobody will get past me. Do you want something to eat?"
"Yes, thank you".
"Well, I don't have much, but feel welcome. Here you are... some bread, fresh eggs and some vegetables. And if you want cigarettes, here you are, feel welcome to take from my packet".
Stromboli eats. Well, this is not much, compared to the food he was used to... But still, his body is hungry. He eats, then drinks hot tea, then smokes. They both gather on a blanket, smoking together. Stromboli sits near a hermaphrodite, near a panophile. His female hand holds a cigarette. At less then one meter away, Tasha's hand, with pink nails, is holding a cigarette too. Stromboli's feet, covered in pantyhose, are sitting and even touching Tasha's feet, covered in leggings. He can even see a small bulge between Tasha's feet, made by its double genitals. If only Tasha knew how many people Stromboli killed before... if only... but without knowing, it tries to get closer, to get some body heat. Stromboli sent to slavery many cross-dressers. Only seeing such people and made him angry... but now, what should he do?
Tasha is only friendly. Stromboli tries its best to be the same... but suddenly, he finds a small razor blade. He takes it and in less then a second, he cuts Tasha's neck veins. Then, he takes what food he finds, Tasha's identity card and clean clothes. He changes clothes and takes everything that is useful. Then, he finds dry branches and make a fire, burning the tree and Tasha's body. He sleeps there, near the fire. In the morning, he lights a cigarette again, watching his female body and thinking.
"It makes no way to fight against it. Stromboli is dead. Now, I am a woman in all aspects".
Then, he thinks what to do. It is time to accept the reality. So, he says it, first whispering, then louder, then even louder, then screaming:
"Stromboli is dead. I am Cindy".
Why Cindy? When he was a teen, at high school, he and a few classmates made a party. Some boys dressed as girls, using clothes from their girlfriends. His girlfriend, Cindy, wanted to do the same with him, but he refused.
"Come on, darling, please, be Cindy II for one night!"
"No, I will never be!"
"If you really love me, you will".
"It is not that I love you, but... I am a man in all aspects".
Later, when he joined the mafia, he confessed about his classmates and their girlfriends. He sold them all as slaves, including Cindy. He sold the only girlfriend that ever loved him as a slave, to gather a better position and trust within the mafia.
"Stromboli is dead. Now, I am Cindy!"
What is left from the old Stromboli? The brain and a few body parts. But even those parts have the DNA changed. He is no longer a 'he' at all. Stromboli died. Now, only the soul remained. He is a 'she' for the remaining of its life. Stromboli died. Now, she is Cindy. So, Cindy takes the last things belonging to Stromboli and puts them on fire.
Cindy starts walking again, on the road. She thinks about all those who Stromboli killed or sold as slaves. Better if they were killed... but as slaves, nobody knows how much humiliation they endured. How much pain? How much suffering? Stromboli ordered other mafia leaders to be transformed into women and thrown to Betelgeuse VII. Well, not only heads of the mafia, but also judges who refused bribery and state officials who refused to accept his bloody money. Maybe, one of them is hiding nearby.
Cindy follows roads for the whole day. She does not want to enter the nearby town, knowing that Tasha is dead and its relatives will look for a way to find its body. Tasha was the last person killed by Stromboli. But now, Stromboli must die forever, while Cindy must take control. Cindy must find a way to survive in this world... but where?
In the end, Cindy reaches another town. She enters the town. Her feet are very tired and painful, after walking such a long distance. As she enters the town, she can see people. The people of Betelgeuse. They are so different from any other place in the galaxy. Guessing by their clothes and their appearance, some are men, some women, but a significant part are hard to define. They are so unusual. Guessing by their voices, it is also hard to say what gender they have. They way they dress is a very unconventional one. Even more, there are people with horns, people with long teeth like those of vampires, people that have something in common with animals and many unusual outfits.
"Is this some sort of carnival?" asks Cindy for herself.
Well, it does not take much and Cindy reaches what appears to be the town center. There are a few shops around a large concrete square. There, she sits and lights a cigarette, trying to recover after the long trip. But just as she sits, two people come and sit on the same bench, near her.
"Hi!" says one of them. "I never seen you around. Are you new?"
"Yes, I am new here".
"What is your name?"
"Cindy".
People gather around. There is no way to run, at least with her tired feet. Cindy has to go through, to listen to them and to answer their questions. What will they do?"
"Where are you from?"
"I am from the Pleiades", answers Cindy. "I mean, I were. They threw me here without saying much".
"From the Pleiades?" asks someone.
"What do they think this place is? They throw anyone here?"
"What did you do?"
"I did nothing", answers Cindy. "All I did, I refused bribery from a slave dealer".
"Don't worry, Cindy, nobody will harm you here", says someone.
"Do you want something to eat?"
"You need to register as a citizen of Betelgeuse VII. Then, you will get a free home and you will live with us".
"Thank you! I never found so much kindness", answers Cindy.
"And who threw you here?" asks someone.
"Stromboli", answers Cindy.
"That criminal!"
"That maniac!"
"I wish someone could pierce a knife in its heart!"
Here are the people that Stromboli hated all his life... and the people Cindy has to live with, for the rest of her life. Cindy finds out that they are not mentally ill, by far. They are friendly and try to help her in any way they can. Very soon, they take her to the online panels to order an identity card and citizenship. Very soon Cindy gets an abandoned house, that belonged to someone who managed to flee out of Betelgeuse. Also, very soon, they try to help her find a job.
**********
But is Stromboli really dead? No, nobody can transform completely over night. The same happens for Cindy. She needs time to adapt. People here say bad things about Stromboli. The same hate that he had for transgender people and sexual minorities still exists. Cindy needs time, time to adapt, to find her way. She avoid to be to close to anyone, because inside her, Stromboli wants to kill.
However, as time passes, she feels how Stromboli vanishes with every day. She choses to be a lonely woman, at least until she will be able to do anything else. But, in the end, Cindy accepts to have a partner, a hermaphrodite that looks more like a woman. This is what finally kills what little remained from Stromboli. However, all the way to the end of her life, Cindy will never say a single word about the time when she was a 'he'.
However, people on Betelgeuse VII know that they don't have much time left and there is no way out, unless people from Betelgeuse S will come and save them. The sun, Betelgeuse, started neon fusion. It has a large inert core. The neon flame started in the core and progressed outwards. Neon fusion restored the equilibrium of the star, delaying its death by a few Earth years. However, this fuel will not last for long. Very soon, neon got exhausted in the center and fusion continued in a shell, surrounding the core. For a while, the core is heated by this shell, but... As neon is exhausted, the flame moves away from the core. At some point, it will be too far to heat the core at all. Also, as it moves away, pressure and temperature decrease, to the point where neon fusion can no longer be sustained.
When stars fuse heavier elements, like carbon, neon, oxygen, magnesium or silicon, they lose most of the energy as neutrino radiation. Inside those stars, at the huge pressure and temperature encountered there, all photons are high energy gamma rays. When two gamma ray photons collide, they can produce a neutrino - antineutrino pair, losing part of their energy. As this happens, the star loses energy and needs to fuse its remaining fuels faster then ever.
It will not last long until oxygen fusion will start... and from that point, the clock will be ticking much faster, because as temperature in the core grows, the neutrino radiation also grows exponentially. All this time, from the outside, the star looks the same, but on the inside, it is a fight between death and life, a fight where life has no way to win, despite all sacrifices done.
Two rabbits are captive in the same box. The first rabbit waits to be released in the wild. The second rabbit waits to become lunch (from a fable).
What went wrong with Betelgeuse VII? Not a long time ago, that planet had a booming economy and it was a paradise. But, when people found out that the sun will explode, panic arose and the economy collapsed. In 3066, the new dictator, Caligula XVI, was elected. Caligula XVI is, like many on the planet, a transgender person, born as a woman, but who decided to become a hermaphrodite.
The sun is expected to survive until 3077, so there is not much time left. The whole population hopes that the new planet, Betelgeuse S, will be terraformed in time, so that the whole population will be evacuated. But until then, the population must survive. The dictator promised, before the elections, that it will do anything to help the poor. Until that, nobody did this. People were encouraged to work. The very low taxes stimulated people to start working and sustain themselves this way.
The dictator increases taxes, from 0.4% to 1%, then to 3%, then to 10%. Everyone on the planet that has no job, will receive a quota of this money. However, things go to the opposite. Since it becomes more easy to wait money then to work, people turn to this aid. Less money gather to the state budget. So, the dictator starts printing money. This causes inflation to rise very fast. Nobody uses paper money any more. The currency, BC (Betelgeuse Credit), is hosted on identity cards or bank accounts. But things get out of control.
In past, a pack of cigarettes was sold for up to 10 BC. Then, in 30 days, it is sold for 25 BC. Merchants have to sell everything as expensive as they can, so that they can earn enough money to buy new goods. At the beginning of 3068, the price of a pack of cigarettes rise to 1.1 billion BC. In 3069, it is 3.7 trillion BC.
As this goes on, public demonstrations are common. People want more money, putting more pressure on the dictator, which in return brings in more money, that are useless. In 3070, nothing can sustain itself. Automated trains, which allowed cargo to travel all over the planet, are stopped, because a lack of funds. Dams cease to produce energy. Hyperinflation keeps adding zeros to the value of everything... up to the point where people no longer understand the value of anything.
From the paradise that it once were, Betelgeuse VII is now in chaos. In every town, people protest against the dictator, against the constitution, against anything. Many people go crazy, feeling like in a cage. There is no way out. The sun will soon go supernova and the clock is ticking.
Then, in 3070, a group of people try to take control over the ISA base on the planet. Many more come. The base and the orbital station are owned by the ISA, the Interstellar Agency, which operates almost all bases in the galaxy. Facing a public riot, the ISA decides to evacuate all its employees from Betelgeuse sector. The surface base is locked down and abandoned. The orbital station is dismantled. From now on, Betelgeuse VII is locked away from the outer world.
In 3071, new elections are scheduled. A new dictator is waiting to take the iron throne. The elections take place with many difficulties, but in the end, one person is chosen. The dictator Caligula XVII takes the iron crown. However, this does not last long. Everyone accuses the ruling dictator for major acts of corruption, while others want the elections to be repeated. The next year, 3072, the dictator takes its own life, unable to handle all ever-growing problems.
Betelgeuse VII is now an anarchy. This is the worst possible position for any planet. Only the infamous UV Ceti is an anarchy.
Caligula XIII sacrificed its life to start terraforming of Betelgeuse S. This person should be considered a national hero. However, the poor people of Betelgeuse VII remember it as the beginning of chaos, because, since it took power, the economy started to fall apart. They remember Caligula XVI as the blessing hero, since it tried to help the poor, destroying everything.
**********
At 10 light years, the planet Betelgeuse S, orbits its red dwarf star. The planet is nearly completely terraformed. The atmosphere is almost breathable. People are starting to walk outside without air masks and oxygen tanks. An exposure of an hour is not deadly, but can let you feel dizzy. The planet is not opened yet for settlers, but soon it will be.
On the surface, there is a large dome city, which is, for now, the only inhabited area. The colony makes a lot of money from body transformation. This is what transgender people love, to change their appearance to the opposite sex. Now, with only one injection, you can change your DNA. Then, other body parts are grown in vitro and replaced to existing organs. Things that were impossible in past, now are completely possible. Also, a significant part of the population prefer to be hermaphrodites, with both gender organs functional. It is amazing, the birth of a new human race.
However, most of those who come here have different requests and are willing to pay big.
Some people want to go to the extreme. Here, money can do everything. People with severe diseases come to cure themselves. Many come for a heart grown in vitro, for kidneys, for livers, lungs and not only. In fact, they account for 40% of the clients. Some have paralyzed feet and hands and want to grow new ones, functional. Some say it is a medical miracle what is going on here.
About 30% of those who come to Betelgeuse S, want a different body, but without changing gender. In some cases, transformations are beyond recognition. It is plastic surgery token to an unseen level, without the use of silicon implants. What these people get, is a set of new body parts, artificially grown, that look as they wish and that the body will consider to be its own organs. Cloned organs are all made from embryonic cells from the same body, having the same DNA.
Here are a few incredible body transformations that shocked the medical community:
Alexandra, a well known actress, wanted a new body. She wanted to be smaller, with longer fingers, with huge eyes and a very long tongue. She also wanted larger breasts and a skin with reptilian appearance. To do this, almost all her body had to be replaced.
Annabelle is a porn star, which requested something never tried. She wanted to have four vaginas, one in front, one in back and two on each side. Also, she requested to have four breasts: two in front and two on back. All this was done in an incredibly short time of 14 Earth days.
Trieste is a man, who wanted to have wings. This was a huge challenge, because nobody ever made such a thing. The wings were grown in vitro, but failed to carry the whole body weight. New wings were designed, larger and stronger. In order to make them work properly, the whole body had to be transformed. Stronger bones were needed. Also, he needed a more powerful heart and larger lungs, which could not fit into his chest. So, he needed a major reconstruction of his whole body. It took almost an Earth year... When Trieste returned to his home planet, he shocked everyone, as being the first human able to fly without an engine or any other device. The huge wings were not covered with feathers, like those of a bird, but they were made of skin, like those of a bat.
Tommy is another example, as the first human to live in a new body. He was a dwarf, a bit over on meter high. Only the brain was kept as it were. All the rest of his body was cloned. Tommy opted to be two meters high and to have a body full of muscles. Nobody could recognize him when he returned home.
Some people want to look like anime characters, some want to look like actors and some want to be furries, something between a human and an animal. Everything like this is possible for a certain sum of money.
About 20% of clients are those who want to change gender. Now, it is possible for them to have the body they dreamed about, completely replacing some body parts. Well, some only go for a limited change, while others go for the extreme.
Finally, there are about 10% of the population who go to reverse transformations. They want their initial bodies back, or at least partially back. They are those who are not satisfied with their new appearance and behavior.
The head of Betelgeuse S colony is Delta, the brother of Caligula XIII, a former dictator of Betelgeuse VII. Delta is born as a man, but opted to be a hermaphrodite. Now, it is getting over 60 Earth years old. Over its live, Delta has seen many things. In its childhood, Betelgeuse VII was a paradise. Then, it realized that the star will soon go supernova. Its sister, the dictator, sacrificed its life to start terraforming this new planet, as the only alternative to save the population... but at what cost. Delta has seen the death of its sister, the death of the previous dictator Caligula XII and the death of its best friend, Etna. Its only child, Angela Northern, was sold as a slave. All this, by the hands of the people from Betelgeuse VII, the people that are supposed to be saved. Etna also had a child, Julia, but nobody knows where it is... or if it still is alive. Too many deaths. Now, Delta is aged and alone, with a huge responsibility on its head.
Delta doesn't want to bring in the people from Betelgeuse VII here, but this is its purpose in life. This is what its sister sacrificed its life for. Now, Betelgeuse S earns more and more money because of incredible body transformations. All the people here want to hurry-up the terraforming process and to save people from Betelgeuse VII. After all, everyone who lives here, came from Betelgeuse VII or at least its parents were from there.
So, Delta decides to make a compromise. Since Betelgeuse will explode in 3077, there still is some time to improve the planet, to make it as habitable as possible. The main concern about red dwarf stars, is that a planet in the habitable zone is very close to the star, about 10 to 20 times closer then mercury is to Earth's sun. At such a small distance, the planet is tidal locked. On one side, there is an eternal day, while on the other side, it is an endless night. Ice tends to accumulate on the dark side, where temperatures fall way below zero. Is it possible to make the planet spin slowly? Yes, it is. In the Solar System, Venus rotates very slow, because of the effect of the winds. If the winds or the ocean currents circulate the planet in one way, the planet itself will slowly rotate in the opposite way. To do this, Delta needs to make a few changes. Some high but narrow mountain ranges have to be built. A few rivers have to change course. Also, in the oceans, a few submerged mountain ranges have to exist, to force air and water in a circular movement along the equator. All this seems possible to be made in 5 Earth years. Theoretical measurements show that this will make a day-night cycle of 247 Earth years.
The main problem with Betelgeuse S is that the planet lacks water. All oceans are made shallow, to save water. The initial project was for the whole dark side to be a very shallow ocean. This way, glaciers will not form. The ocean will be covered with ice, but will return to the illuminated side, to gain heat. But what if, somehow, this will fail? What if, in some place, currents will not allow cold water to move and the ocean will freeze? The entire circuit will close and ice will accumulate.
With the money gain from body transformations, Delta can re-configure the planet and fast. There is enough money for that. Delta starts to transform the planet in 3066 and by 3072 it is all finished. The oceans and the atmosphere start to circulate in one direction, slowly pushing the planet to rotate in the opposite direction.
Then, comes the shocking news. First, Delta finds out that the ISA closed the base on Betelgeuse VII and removed the orbital station. And then, the most surprising of all, is that Caligula XVII went suicide. Betelgeuse VII is now an anarchy. Everyone asks Delta to hurry-up terraforming processes. Thinking what to do, Delta accepts. In 3075, day 1, the planet will be opened for settlers. From that day on, Betelgeuse S will pay transport companies to take refugees from Betelgeuse VII and bring them to their new settlements on Betelgeuse S. Everything is ready.
**********
In 2065, the star, Betelgeuse, started neon fusion. the neon flame ignited in the core and extended towards the outer borders of the core. Soon, neon was exhausted in the core and fusion continued in a shell. For a while, the neon flame could heat the core, preventing its contraction, as it moved outwards. But then, the flame went too far and started to fade away. Without any source of heat, the core starts to cool, losing its energy as neutrino radiation. While it is cooling, it starts to contract. The contraction produces extra heat, until oxygen fusion starts.
In the year 2072, oxygen fusion starts in the core. One gram of oxygen produces about twice the amount of energy produced by one gram of carbon. The core of Betelgeuse contained 40% carbon which powered-up the star for 600 Earth years, plus an additional 100 years when carbon was fused in a shell surrounding the core. Because neon fusion produced enough oxygen, now the core contains 70% oxygen. Looking at the numbers, one would expect that oxygen fusion will keep the star going for 2100 years... but it's wrong. Betelgeuse will only fuse oxygen in its core for two years, then the fusion will continue in a shell, surrounding the core, further heating the core for an additional year. All this, because nearly all energy produced is lost as neutrino radiation.
Inside the star, oxygen atoms collide with incredible force. They merge, forming something much heavier: silicon, sulfur or phosphorus, also releasing energy. The collisions are not perfect, sometimes a proton, an electron or an alpha particle (helium nucleus) is released. They merge with other atoms that they find, preferring lighter ones. The core contains sodium and magnesium, produced by carbon and neon fusion. Usually, these fragments merge with sodium and magnesium, forming silicon, but sometimes, they merge with other, heavier atoms, created by oxygen fusion.
After oxygen will be exhausted, the star will try to fuse what little sodium and magnesium it has, but this will produce too little energy.
On the planet Betelgeuse VII, the neutrino telescopes are watching. Amid all the chaos, nobody destroyed them. The neutrino signature of oxygen fusion is detected immediately. The news spread the planet. Last time, when neon fusion started, people went to the streets to celebrate. This time, all is quiet. People hear the news and look at the sun, which is emitting far more neutrino radiation then light. All that radiation go through objects without doing anything. It is all lost. It is like people want to get inside and fix the sun. They would like to help it survive. It is impossible to do that, everyone knows it, but this is what people feel like. They would want to reverse the process somehow, to turn back the clock to the time when the star was fusing carbon and everything looked like a paradise.
The oxygen flame heats the core and expands until it reaches the dormant neon fusion shell. Then, the flame shrinks back. As the core contracts, a second oxygen flame rises, smaller, using all fuel left. Then, oxygen fusion continues in a shell, surrounding the inert core. Further away, there is a neon fusion shell, followed by a carbon fusion shell, followed by a helium fusion shell and a hydrogen fusion shell. Betelgeuse is starting to have the onion-shape structure, found in every supergiant star when its end is near.
Oxygen fusion ends in the core in 3075, the year when Betelgeuse S should open its doors for settlers.
**********
On the first day of 3075, Delta, very old, takes a trip to the planet. It personally breathes the air and drinks water from a spring. Everything looks perfect. Then, it returns to its throne, to celebrate the event. But, once it returns, everyone asks:
"When should we start bringing people from Betelgeuse VII?"
"There is one major problem", says Delta. "The orbital station is no longer there. So, large ships cannot dock. We have to purchase large interstellar ships to carry passengers and small landing ships to ferry them between surface and large ships. First of all, we need to purchase all them, then we can start the evacuation".
Then, Delta asks one more thing:
"Before the evacuation begins, I order that, a special team will go to Betelgeuse VII and take the crown worn by all dictators. I declare myself Caligula XVIII, the last dictator of the iron dynasty. Everyone that will come after me, will chose another name. I want to be the last of the Caligula dynasty".
UV Ceti is the most cruel stellar system in the galaxy. It is an anarchy, pirates, fugitives, criminals and mafia factions hide in the dark, fight for power and manage their illegal business, far from getting unified. In the last years, there is a person who gain power. Angela Northern. Nobody knows where she came from... or if she is a woman at all.
The story of Angela Northern starts somewhere, far away. Her parent is Delta, the brother of Caligula XIII, dictator of Betelgeuse VII. At that time, Betelgeuse was a paradise for transgender people and rare sexual minorities. Caligula XIII was born as a woman, but transformed itself into a hermaphrodite. Delta was born as a man but it also transformed itself into a hermaphrodite. At that time, knowing that the sun will go supernova, Caligula XIII sent its brother, Delta, to terraform a new planet, Betelgeuse S, located at ten light years away. Having both male and female organs, Delta got pregnant with itself and gave birth to a child, Angela Northern. Little Angela was born as a hermaphrodite. As Delta became the dictator of Betelgeuse S, Angela was enjoying a very good life, as a very respected and loved princess. But things don't always go the way you want.
One day, Delta sent Angela Northern with its best friend, Etna and its child, Julia, to Betelgeuse VII. There, someone managed to kidnap her. Etna was killed in the fight, Julia managed to escape, but Angela remained on the pirate ship. The pirates took her, with other captives, to sell them as slaves, in UV Ceti.
They travel all the way to UV Ceti in cryogenic sleep, frozen in liquid helium. Then, all prisoners are forced to wake-up from hibernation. Angela wakes as a few rude guys force everyone to undress. People shout, cry or beg for mercy. But what mercy can have those brutes? Nothing. All captives are forced to march undressed, while potential clients watch them and estimate their value. Someone pays for little Angela and takes her. She is forced to enter a cage and goes with the new owner. This is how she arrives at the body farms, the most inhuman thing in the galaxy.
The new owner takes Angela, examines her and looks surprised to see both male and female organs. Overall, her body looks more like that of a woman, since she has breasts which are starting to grow. Then, the new owner beats her without mercy and rapes her, giving her to his men, which also beat her and rape her over and over. Then, they apply a punish ring around her neck and throw her, naked, in a cage. The punish ring, which all slaves have to wear, as well as all servants, looks like a tight necklace. It creates an electromagnetic field and is able to send pain signals directly into the brain. When someone wants to punish a slave, it just pushes a button and the ring will produce pain without affecting the body at all. Punish rings are made so that, if selected, they deliver pain each time the slave speaks something or does anything not allowed. Very soon, Angela finds out how painful this device is. When she tries to talk with other slaves kept in cages, she receives a pain like the amputation of a foot.
In the cage, she is not allowed to cry. One single whisper and the punish ring makes her feel a pain like never before. She can see this anywhere, as many other slaves are tortured with this cruel device.
Then, she starts working in the body farm. Her first job is to feed the women. They are the central piece of such a farm. Locked in single-person cages, women are kept naked, to get pregnant and give birth. Slaves come and feed them with a plastic tube, that enters through the mouth into the stomach. It is a brutal way to feed. Many newcomers scream, then their punish rings deliver a huge pain signal, so that they convulse of pain for hours. Feeding is done 3 times, at 8.00 to 12.00, 16.00 to 20.00 and 0.00 to 4.00. Between 4.00 and 12.00, a slave comes with a water pump and cleans all women and their cages with a jet of water. There are no toilettes. All women piss and defecate in their cages.
Then, between 12.00 and 16.00, another slave comes for the medical check, for signs of fertility or pregnancy. Fertile women are inseminated in a brutal and painful way. Those pregnant get birth alone in the cages. If anything goes bad, they are left to die. Then, between 20.00 and 0.00, it is relocation time. At that hour, born children are token, women are injected to stop lactation and those who died are removed.
Children are grown in other parts, in cages. They are separated from a very young age. Some are to replace the women and men, some are to be sold. Depending on what clients want, they receive a different type of education. Everything is done with painful methods. From sexual slaves to working slaves and ruthless soldiers, they all develop here. The first thing they learn is complete obedience to their masters. A large number of children, both boys and girls, are castrated. The operation is done with no anesthetic and is extremely painful.
Another part of the body farm is where reproduction men are kept. They are carefully selected. Someone might think that they are the lucky ones, but it's not. They also stay in cages, like the women. Their semen is milked with very painful electric shocks.
In UV Ceti, people have no mercy. They like to torture, to see the pain in the eyes of their victims. Some slaves are grown for this, especially the weakest. They are skinned alive, bitten over and over, burned, flogged and tortured in any way. This is what happens with the weakest. In the end, they die. Every deceased is transformed into food for the other slaves. Well, the main food is made from algae, which are the cheapest way of obtaining food. Gladiator fights are also very common. People love to bet on fights or to purchase a slave only to torture it.
Once arrived in this hell, Angela Northern had no time to cry. She was bitten over and over and sexually abused in all ways. Then, she started working in the body farms. There is no single second to cry. Once anyone will see you crying, they will beat you, to see you suffering. She is still very young and has to prove that she is worth to her owners. At night, she has endless nightmares, but she cannot wake-up crying or shouting. That will be enough for the punish ring to deliver her body a massive pain signal. She also adapts fast to the so disgusting food, that she receives through the feeding tube. With no mercy, she has to feed the others. She has to execute all orders without question. Is she tired? Nobody will bother not to punish her. Does she has mercy to any slave? Punishment for mercy is an agonizing death.
As she grows, she becomes more powerful and more skilled in all this. She is transferred to another sector, to watch the children, the future slaves. She has to feed them, to give them instructions and to punish them. Only one year has passed and she was working with children that will be future soldiers. Her superior in rank asks her to kill two children for not respecting the order... and she does not hesitate. It is the first time in her life when she kills someone. Then, she is sent to the castration unit. She first helps the doctors, which are in fact other slaves. Then, she starts doing surgeries on her own. Each operation is extremely painful, since no anesthetic is used, but she executes all without any delay and without saying a single word.
Working with slave soldiers, she learns many fighting techniques. At some point, someone attacks her and she defends herself. She kills the attacker in only ten seconds. However, the owner is not pleased, to see dead a slave that could provide him with enough money. So, Angela is punished and tortured in front of all other working slaves. She is bitten for hours, but she does not say a single word. She doesn't cry. Seeing this, her owner is pleased and gives her a higher rank.
It doesn't take much and she becomes a gladiator. She shows no mercy and proves to be an excellent fighter. Nobody can stop her, even when she is sent once against four other gladiators. Beneath the eyes of all others, she kills two of them, then torture the others, until they die, screaming of pain. Then, her owner sends her to torture others. The most pleasant show, for many in UV Ceti, is to torture captured children, when their parents are watching all this. Angela Northern does all this. Children are bitten, raped and skinned alive. Then, their fingers and toes are cut. Then, their eyes are removed. And then, they are impaled. After they die, their parents are forced to drink their blood and eat their flesh... then they are tortured in the same way and finally killed.
As a very good fighter and after proving her complete obedience to her owner, Angela Northern gets the highest rank possible in the body farm: chief of the defense force. UV Ceti is a place where traitors, pirates, mafia factions and fugitives do anything to gain more power and more money. Body farms are in the center of all this, since slave trade offers the highest profits in the galaxy, far greater then drugs or weapons trading. Many times, pirates and rival farms tried to attack the farm. The owner knows that anyone can betray you, even the most trusted. In UV Ceti, words like 'friend', 'honor' or 'help' don't exist. Maybe some newly captured slaves might know them, but nobody born here know them.
**********
Rebellions are common, even among the slaves. This happens, even if the punishment is always an agonizing death. Angela Northern knows this, but, grown in this environment, she wants to be the best. She wants more, more power and more fame. She wants to take over the place in a way or another and to start a crusade against all those who turned her into this place. She once had a name, but now, like all slaves, she has not the right to have a name. She is known as 910197, the number she received when she came here. This is her slave number she got tattooed on her forehead and on her right hand, together with the name of her owner: 'Rape'.
As time passes, Angela Northern realizes how the punish ring is made and how it operates. Now, she knows how to turn it off, as she has access to the codes and the main database. She wants to start a war... but needs something for this.
One day, two merchants come to purchase a few slaves. This is unusual, since always merchants come in large numbers, to defend each others. She knows very well that all around, there are many ships waiting in the dark to attack a lost ship. One ship lands and the pirate goes around, to look for what it needs. Angela comes and watches the pirate, talking with it:
"What do you want?"
"I want a female slave".
"Come with me!"
As Angela takes the pirate, the other ship lands. A fat woman exits the ship, looking a bit scared. Angela realizes that this is a slave bomb. Inside its body, there is a powerful explosive device. She takes the first pirate into an elevator, down. She takes her punish ring and puts it around his neck. The elevator does not reach its destination, when a powerful blast is heard. Yes, it was a slave bomb. Angela gets out of the elevator, runs to the control room and sees that the ship landing area and a few buildings are destroyed. The planet has a temperature of -240 C and no atmosphere. Air is leaking out. She should order some doors to be closed... but in fact she orders the doors to open. What she wants is to kill defense slave soldiers by decompression. She opens other doors, where a few slaves are being kept after a riot, waiting for punishment. Then, she opens a door leading to the women cages. Decompression will kill them too.
As she does this, on the main screen appears her boss, shouting:
"910197, what is going on?"
"The farm is compromised", she answers.
"I see the women are dying. Close the airlock!"
"Negative!"
"Fuck you! You will be crucified for this!"
"I am no longer listening to your orders, Rape!"
It is a big sign of disrespect for a slave to use the name of its owner.
"You mean, Dominus", he shouts.
"Fuck you!" she answers, with a big smile. "My name is Angela Northern!"
In that moment, the owner commands Angela's punish ring, trying to kill her, but the ring is around that pirate's neck. The ring explodes and decapitates the pirate. Angela answers:
"You're dead!"
Saying this, she takes a space suit and some weapons. Then, she commands all doors to open. She exits control room. Everywhere around, chaos is happening. Released slaves attack other slaves. Angela sees a group of warrior slaves and says:
"Are you with me or with Rape?"
They take their weapons, wanting to shoot her, but not knowing what to do.
"Then, die!" she says, shooting half of them in a second. "You, come with me", she says to the remaining ones.
Quickly, she makes her way to where her former master is sitting. She kills him without hesitation. Then, she takes his head and puts it in a pike, for everyone to see. Then, she makes order in the farm. Everyone must kneel before her and kiss her feet, as a sign of respect and submission. Those who refuse, are killed without a question.
**********
This is the moment when she gains freedom. As she is free, she cuts the skin holding the number 910197. From now, she is officially Angela Northern. Also, it is the first time, after years, when she smokes again. On Betelgeuse S, like everyone, she started smoking from a very young age. From now on, everyone will see her holding a cigarette in one hand.
Angela does not stop here. She starts operating the body farm and builds an army of slave warriors. She starts building weapons. Before her, Rape used most of his fortune for his passions: gladiator fights and bets. Now, Angela does something else. She secretly builds a powerful army. Then, at some point, she sells the body farm and takes the soldiers with her. She buys a huge fleet of pirate ships.
She starts a cruel fight with other factions in UV Ceti. What she wants, is to build a blockade around the body farms. No merchant will be allowed to go there without paying a tax. Also, all farms will have to pay her a protection fee. She kills Burn and Death, two owners of body farms, then replaces them with her own people... then kills them again, for mutiny. Her military strategies are better then others. A cruel war starts on UV Ceti, which affects galactic trade with slaves. She is unstoppable. Nobody can fight against her pirate ships.
For the first time since centuries, one single person has power over UV Ceti. The system had been an anarchy for a very long time. Angela now controls nearly all slave trade in the galaxy, the most profitable business.
There are a few other small stellar systems that also produce slaves. There are merchants who steal humans, to sell them as slaves in other places of the galaxy. However, Angela is strongly determined to stop them and gain all profit for herself. She sends war ships and destroys the system of GI Cygni, letting nobody alive there. She extends her power over drugs and weapons traffic.
Then, she goes to Betelgeuse S, unknown to anyone there. Many criminals and fugitives went to that system for large-scale body surgery, so that they will not be recognized by anyone. She does something different. She removes her breasts and her genitals, because she felt that they made her vulnerable. But, when she returns to UV Ceti, she finds out that her empire is broken apart. Willing to take a share of the profit, all her captains are now guilty of mutiny. They are now fighting each one against the other, in a terrible lust for power. Angela is all alone, again.
She starts to fight again. She first attacks alone a small squadron of pirate ships, then another one, larger. Soon, all her pirates turn back to her. Only that, this time, she does not kill them for mutiny. She realizes that, the only way to keep them unite, is to fight for ever increasing bets. She has to take the war outside UV Ceti, to make the whole galaxy kneel before her feet. Even before, groups of pirates have attacked other solar systems. Everyone in the galaxy knows and fears them, but, because they never were united, they could only do small attacks.
The first system she attacks is Tau Ceti. Why there? Because of her memories. When she was kidnapped and sold as a slave, this is because someone from Betelgeuse VII offered to an UV Ceti pirate fifty people as slaves in exchange for a free ticket for itself and its child, to Tau Ceti. Betelgeuse will soon go supernova and everyone would pay anything to get out. Angela Northern wants to make sure that, the person who sold her life will not see another day. So, she organizes a powerful fleet and flies to Tau Ceti.
The weak army of Tau Ceti has no chance in front of Angela's pirate fleet. She says it loud and clear:
"I want the whole system, with all planets and all inhabitants. Surrender! If not, every man, woman, child or dog will face death!"
With no mercy, Angela's ships land on the main planet. They take the whole population into slavery. Then, they go to other planets and attack everyone. They throw powerful bombs and deadly chemicals, up to the point where no living organism can survive. All terraformed planets are destroyed beyond recovery. The pirates take anything that can be useful and leave behind a completely destroyed solar system.
Her next target is Epsilon Indi. Again, the weak army cannot fight against Angela's pirates. She completely destroys that system too, taking into slavery all its inhabitants who managed to survive. No planet is left undamaged.
Then, she attacks CN Leonis, a red dwarf star with large gold ores. There, the government surrounds unconditioned. Despite this, Angela shows no mercy and enslaves the whole population. She shows no mercy to anyone. Again, everything is destroyed beyond recovery.
Realizing that Angela Northern's army is too powerful to be defeated, other solar systems, like Alpha Centauri, EZ Aquarii and Lalande 21185, offer a huge tribute. Angela accepts only the most humiliating conditions for everyone. Each new system is forced to use all its production capacity to build war ships, bombs and to deliver a huge amount of slaves. She shows no mercy to anyone. The slave quota is so high, that some planets are in risk of depopulation. One after one, all state leaders in the Old World kneels in front of Angela Northern. Nobody has the power to oppose her.
**********
For a long time, one of the best clients of UV Ceti pirates was the Empire Of Polaris. This empire purchased slaves to boost its economy. In past, slaves were sold with about 800 CC. Angela Northern forced the price to rise to 3500 CC. Augustus XXIV, the emperor or Polaris, comes to a political visit to UV Ceti, to try to get a better offer. He is the first and the last person to speak with her face to face. The emperor envoy, with many political leaders, arrive to UV Ceti. They are the only ones who took pictures of her.
Angela is not tall and not short. Her hair is dark red, with the same color as blood. Her face is full of scars. She has black eyes. Her nose also has scars, as her mouth. She wears no crown and no jewelry, just a microphone that she uses to command at any time. She has no breasts, but a tight, dark-red, women blouse. All her arms are full with scars. Her hands are dirty with blood, probably from a recent execution. She has metal nails, fixed to her fingers. At one hand, she has a small electronic device, fixed with a bracelet. All her stomach and her back are covered with scars. Probably, there is no centimeter of her skin that remained intact. She wears a small, dark-red skirt, exposing her feet, also filled with scars. She has knee-long boots, which appears to contain weapons. Around her belt, there are guns, knives and other weapons.
But what scares the most, is the look of her eyes. There is no sign of light. She has the eyes of a wounded animal. No mercy, no pitty can be seen inside her.
"Greetings to your highness, Angela Northern, the queen of UV Ceti and the ruler of the Old World", says the emperor.
"Greetings, emperor", says Angela. "What brings you here?"
"I came all the way to talk business with you".
"Very well", says Angela, looking at each person from the imperial envoy. "Why did all them come here?"
"They are part of my assistance".
"I came only with two soldiers", she says. "What need to bring twenty-four people with you? Unless, they are an offer to me".
"My empire always paid you well for your slaves. We bring money. Why should we bring you slaves?"
"As a gift, emperor".
Angela northern smiles... but all the others feel her smile as a death sentence.
"No. My real gift is of money".
"You, leave me alone!" says Angela Northern, to her soldiers.
As they leave the room, she lights a cigarette and comes closer to everyone. She blows smoke in emperor's face.
"Is this a sign of respect on UV Ceti?" asks the emperor.
"The word you just said is not known to us, dear emperor. Oh, even the word 'dear' is not known here. But, if you want to show some 'respect' to us, how about a bloodbath?"
"A what?" says the emperor, very confused.
"Who is this person?" asks Angela, looking to someone in the imperial envoy.
"Your highness", says the person, "I am Marshall Evening John, chief of the military", answers the guy.
"And who are you?" asks Angela, talking to someone else.
"Your highness, I am Dr Leonard Freewall, chief of the government".
"I see... Only men. How pathetic", says Angela. "Men should be castrated or they are completely useless".
"Please, let's stop all this and come back to business", says the emperor.
"Well, emperor, I am doing already business", answers Angela, blowing again smoke in the emperor's face.
"You are just humiliating my people", says the emperor, short.
"Men are good for nothing unless castrated", repeats Angela. "What do you think I am? A man or a woman?"
"A woman", answers a woman from the imperial envoy.
"Well, not a man and not a woman. But you, I see you are a woman. Who are you?"
"I am Jakarta Reeds, chief of the main imperial bank".
"You see, emperor, I would prefer to talk with this woman. Do you know where all the slaves come from? They are born by a woman. It is these women that you should RESPECT, even more then your life".
Angela Northern pointed the word 'respect'. The emperor looks like not understanding where all this is heading.
"The only men who can really understand the value of a woman are those who are not men at all", says Angela, blowing again smoke in a few men. "They might have been men, but they changed into women... or women who changed into men. Transgender people. Is there anyone transgender among you?"
Nobody answers.
"Then, you all, pathetic men, should still be learning, if you still want to talk with me".
"Show some respect to our emperor", shouts a man. "He treated you with respect!"
Angela turns back to that man and looks him deep into his eyes. She blows a cloud of smoke in his face.
"Well, well... Another man thinks with his penis instead of his brain. I guarantee that you will not walk out from here alive".
As she says this, everyone looks scared, even the emperor.
"If you do something bad to any of us, our slave trade will fall", says the emperor.
"Who said that I want to sell you any more slaves? I want something else".
"Then, what do you want?" asks Jakarta Reeds, director of the imperial bank.
"Don't worry, you will walk out of here alive", says Angela, with a smile. "But not the same will happen with the men. Now, here is the thing. For the woman, she is free to return home. For the men, each one has the right to chose: die here or return alive. The only exception is you... who insulted me".
"Just hurt anyone and we are at war!" shouts the emperor.
"Yes, I need you alive... but you would prefer to be dead", says Angela to the emperor. "Here's the deal. There are two doors in this room. If you return by the door you entered, you will die. If you take the other door, the one behind me, you will live... but not as men, as women. Only three of you are not allowed to decide. The man who insulted me, will be killed here. The woman will remain alive. And the emperor will live".
"You will pay dearly", says the emperor.
"Guards!" shouts Angela.
The two soldiers enter the room. In that moment, Angela takes a knife from her belt and kills the man she promised to kill. All happens so fast, that he says nothing. One man takes a plasma pistol and... Angela instantly sees the pistol and moves away. One more second and that man is on the ground, with Angela's boot on his head. In the next second, one of Angela's soldiers tries to hit her... but her boot makes its way faster and smashes his... organs. Angela kills the traitor with the knife. Then, she cuts his genitals in front of everyone and throws them to the emperor.
"This is why men are so pathetic", she says. "Without these things, they are much smarter".
Then, she turns back to the guy from the imperial envoy, which tried to kill her. She takes her knife and points it at his chest.
"When someone wants to kill you", says Angela, "there are two things you must do. First, you have to entertain that person. And second, you have to give that person a reason not to kill you".
The guy starts crying. In an instant, Angela hits his genitals with her boots, over and over.
"I give you three seconds to give me a reason not to kill you. One"...
The guy cries, begging for mercy.
"Two..."
Then, she takes her knife and decapitates him.
"Three! You did not even try to entertain me... I am tired of garbages like you".
Angela throws her cigarette down and lights another one.
"Hurry up, people! That door to death, that door to live... the way I want. The woman and the emperor must live!"
Everyone goes to the door that was supposed to let them live. But, once they open that door, soldiers take them. Everyone is token to a body farm. There, they see women, enslaved in cages. From there, they are all token to the castration sector. All men are castrated like all slaves are, without anesthetic. Then, also without anesthetic, slave doctors add to all men breast implants. Angela Northern comes and watches, with much pleasure. Things don't end here. She sends a ship to Betelgeuse S, to grow in vitro female genitals for all of them, as well as DNA changing injections. They all stay in the body farm for weeks. In this time, they receive food through feeding tubes, which enter to their stomach through the mouth. They also stay in the same cages as women. After the new genitals are added, Angela makes sure that they cannot get pregnant. Then, she orders that everyone will be raped a hundred times. Everyone except the natural woman.
Then, she sends the imperial envoy back to the Polaris, but with one difference. Everyone has a punish ring attached to the neck. They must do as she wants. The orders are simple. They must start hyperinflation in the empire of Polaris. Also, they must increase the taxes and bureaucracy to a level where economy will collapse. Also, they must spend all state funds for social money. This will destroy the empire, make it collapse beyond recovery.
**********
The destruction of Polaris made slave trade almost collapse. UV Ceti is getting very rich with all the goods it takes from its conquered states. But, Angela wants something more. She sends her troops in a war against the Newton empire, the third largest empire after Polaris and the Pleiades. She conquers it without problems, but does not destroy everything. Instead, she asks for a huge tribute, that, in time, will weaken the empire.
She doesn't stop here. She fights and conquers planet after planet, star after star, until nearly the whole galaxy kneels in front of her.
After this, she goes to Betelgeuse VII. She wants to kill anyone there, as a revenge for her uncle, Caligula XIII. Only that, nobody knows who she is. The name 'Angela Northern' is common in many places. So, she goes with a small fleet.
But, as she arrives, she can see something bad. The neutrino emission from Betelgeuse is very high, so high that it affects many electronic devices. Normally, neutrinos pass through matter without interacting with it, but now, the star is emitting them in such a large number and such energetic, that the electronics of some ships are affected. Long-range sensors are not working.
"We will leave them alone", she says. "They will die anyway, very soon, when the star will go supernova".
While she is here, she notices the presence of some ships. They are from the Pleiades, the largest and most powerful empire in the galaxy. They come to Betelgeuse for one reason. In the Pleiades, to be a transgender or to belong to a sexual minority, is the most humiliating thing. This is the greatest punishment: for a man, to be transformed into a woman and sent to Betelgeuse VII, or for a woman (something rare, since on the Pleiades women are discriminated), to be raped and sent to Betelgeuse VII. What she doesn't know is that the Pleiades actually want to extend their power, creating a powerful base once Betelgeuse will explode. They want to conquer Betelgeuse S too, to exterminate all the people there and colonize the planet with their own people.
Instead of destroying Betelgeuse VII, Angela Northern decides to take all her armies and fight with the Pleiades. That is a very hard task. Unlike all other powerful states in the galaxy, the Pleiades are self-sufficient. They don't depend on trade with another star. They have all what they need and a very powerful army.
Still, Angela Northern tries the impossible. The Pleiades have a much more powerful army then hers. So, instead of attacking them, she decides to do something else. She sends small groups of pirate ships, to make fast attacks, to destroy and retreat. Her goal is to cut down the resources and the economy. Also, she deploys toxins and diseases to inhabited planets.
Her strategy proves to be very effective. The empire breaks apart. One by one, planets surrender, letting the imperial system Merope alone. The emperor does not have the resources to feed all its army, which surrenders to Angela Northern.
She enters in a triumphal march the capital city. Her pirates destroy all the luxurious gold buildings in the capital. There, she personally makes the biggest massacre seen since space age began. She orders everyone from the planet to come to a central square. Everyone gets tortured for days, except the emperor. Then, she orders everyone to be killed. With their blood, she fills a swimming pool. She adds an anti-coagulant and takes a swim in the pool, while the emperor watches all this.
This happens many days. She takes bath after bath in blood, forcing the emperor to watch this, to worship her. Then, when she gets tired of this, she orders that the emperor will be sent to surgery and transformed into a woman, then raped a hundred times.
After all this happens, Angela Northern asks that the emperor will be brought to her.
"How do you feel now?" she says, laughing and enjoying the sufferance in his eyes.
"You will pay for this".
"By who?" says Angela, blowing smoke in the air.
"Not from any human. From God. You killed too many people!"
"Who is God?"
"God is the creator of the Universe. He will punish you, in this life or in the next life".
"Well, it looks like that God does not exist. Why didn't he stop me?"
"He will".
Angela Northern looks at the emperor, now transformed into a woman.
"It looks like the most powerful person in the Universe is me. Hey, God, do you want to fight with me? Here I am!"
"He will. Not now, but he will".
"Well, former emperor, if that God created the Universe, He can save you from my hands. Can't he?"
The emperor does not answer anything.
"Tell me. Can He stop me from killing you? Because, if He cannot, He is not so powerful".
"Yes, He can".
"Well, God, stop me if you can".
Angela Northern takes her knife and cuts the emperor's head.
"Well, God, it looks like you actually exist at all".
Angela Northern takes the emperor's head and hits it hard, throwing it meters away. Then she says:
"Or, maybe it was God's will for me to take over the whole galaxy".
To complete her revenge. Angela Northern orders that the planet hosting the capital will be diverted from orbit, so that it will impact the star, Merope. This way, the planet will be erased from the galaxy.
**********
Angela Northern becomes the ruler of the galaxy. Everywhere, large demonstrations are held to please her. People build monuments, not by their own will, but to please her, not to kill them. She is worshipped like a god.
She knows that things will not last like this forever. She well knows that, those who worship her today, will kill her tomorrow. She knows that, since there is nothing more to conquer, the pirates will start again to fight one with the other. They will never stop. She is now powerful and still young, but one day she will get old. In that day, her own captains will try to kill her and will succeed. After all, they tried thousands of times. People in UV Ceti have no sense of honor and can betray you in any second.
Angela Northern decides to end all this, in a different way. She wants to remain in history just as she is and to make sure nobody will ever rise to the same level as she did. Long ago, she destroyed the body farms and officially abolished slavery. This way, pirates from UV Ceti will have no way to sustain themselves and will have to work for her.
Then, she invites all her captains in a remote orbital station for a celebration. They come… and she kills them all, with no mercy. From there, she takes her personal ship and flies directly into a star.
With other words, she commits suicide. She exits life in the most glorious moment of her life, to remain forever in glory. With all empires of the galaxy in ruins, nobody will have the power to build her empire back.
**********
After her death, comes a period of recession and famine in the whole galaxy, followed by a period of dispersion. Now, humans spread to other galaxies, to colonize the whole Universe. For centuries, she will remain an iconic figure in history, that nobody will dare to follow. A song will remain forever, about her glory:
THE SONG OF ANGELA NORTHERN
**
Narrator:
**
The flares of UV Ceti
Blowing death and fear
Brings the chains of slavery
With the smell of deadly kiss.
**
There sail the pirates, brave,
Killing back and forth;
Take with you the smokes you smoke
Angela Of The North.
**
The blast through the cosmic waves
Bites her hugry heart,
She promised the world to burn,
Only death can keep her hide.
**
Her shadow’s the great death
And her bleeding knife,
Hordes of pirates with no faith
Open Hell’s mouth wide.
**
Angela: My eyes! (burning)
**
I have been an orphan one
Raped and bitten close to death,
I promised to kill the whole world
To bring chaos with a word.
**
The flares blow like my hair
And Hell is open-wide!
Pirates fly like ravens
And make you all to die.
**
If anyone dares to ask god,
Tomorrow, Christ will die.
Surrender and kiss my boot
And face your death and cry!
**
No mercy and no tribute will
Beg me to save your life
The planets and all stars now will
Explode and tear apart.
**
Narrator:
**
Now approaching through the dark,
As pirates prepare for an attack,
Everyone can’t run out of the way
As flares of death burn everywhere.
**
Now she orders an attack
The world trembles waiting back.
They kneel in the way,
As they see the sky full of flames.
**
Sky into flames,
The world trembles in flames.
Planets into flames,
The galaxy surrounded by her flames.
**
Angela: My eyes! (burning)
**
Blowing thunder on the sky
Kiss of death is on the way!
My ships moving back and forth
There’s nothing standing more.
**
When Cosmos cries my name
It’s time for you to die.
My sword will bring me fame,
Famine if you survive.
**
My ships will bring slavery
And most of you will die,
You’ll rot and beg for mercy
But ther’s no place to hide.
**
Narrator:
**
Growing in the cage of Rape,
Blood and Death will fight,
Curse and Plague will crush the space
And Hell will open-wide.
**
The lost child of Betelgeuse
Has ordered world to die!
Her ships will cross the Universe
And paint the sky with blood.
**
Angela: My eyes! (burning)
**
The flares blow in my bloody hair
And tears the sky apart,
The beasts cry and then they kneel
As your world gets black.
**
You pay me a big tribute
With money and with slaves,
But I am sending you all mute
As you’ll end-up in chains.
**
Narrator:
**
Worlds in flames!
Planets in flames!
All sky in flames!
The galaxy in flames!
**
Angela: My eyes! (burning)
**
Then I take my ship away
And let world see my eyes,
Chose no one will ever dare
To be like me, up high!
**
My eyes! (blowing death)
A man found a thirsty dog near a fountain. Since he had no bucket and no rope, he went into the fountain and took water in his shoe and gave it to the dog to drink. In that moment, he felt very happy and his sins were forgiven (from a Muslim story).
Betelgeuse VII was a paradise for rare sexual minorities and transgender people. But now, since the sun is preparing to go supernova, this planet has become a hell. The economy collapsed. Some time ago, the dictator Caligula XIII sent its brother, Delta, to terraform another planet, Betelgeuse S, located at ten light years away. The dictator secretly diverted money for this project... and lost its life. Then, when Betelgeuse VII became a hell, Delta sent a its child Angela Northern and its best friend Etna with its child Julia, to calm down the spirits. Etna was killed, Julia was lost on the planet and Angela Northern was kidnapped and sold as a slave.
The terraforming of Betelgeuse S was a big secret. For this purpose, Delta had to use slaves, purchased from UV Ceti. Paid workers could tell their families where they work and the world would find out the truth. Well, slaves had a very good life. They felt like in a big family. On the first day of the year 3075, when Betelgeuse S was finally terraformed, they received freedom. As promised, they all received a home on the planet, citizenship, equal rights and land for agriculture.
The only problem is that Delta, after losing its sister, its child and its best friend, by the hands of those living on Betelgeuse VII, is not willing to save them. However, there are two people that convinced it to start the largest rescue operation in space history. Those two are former slaves. Here is their story.
**********
Abdullah was a boy, born in a faithful Muslim family, on a planet in the system 61 Cygni. He was kidnapped at the age of 13 by a group of pirates from UV Ceti. There, he was purchased by Murder, a pirate. He was kept in a cage and left to starve. Then, he was castrated. It was a very painful operation, done with no anesthetic. He had both testicles and his penis removed. Then, Murder sold him to Death, another pirate who was making drugs. Death was not satisfied, because Abdullah was not working fast enough, so he sold him to another pirate, Killer, who had a weapon factory. Also, Killer was not satisfied. He tortured Abdullah over and over, to make him work better, then sold him to another pirate, Rage, who sold him to Delta.
At that time, Abdullah no longer had a name. Slaves are not allowed to have names, but numbers. He had a number tattooed on his forehead and his right arm: 415002, together with the name of each owner he had.
When he arrived to Betelgeuse S, he was 20 Earth years old. His appearance was more like a woman. This is something common to castrated people. If castration occurs at a young age, the appearance will be that of a woman. however, if castration is done after puberty, the result will clearly be a man. However, if castration is done in puberty, some male features will be visible. He has small female breasts and a voice that looks more like that of a woman then that of a man, but his DNA is that of a man.
Both on Betelgeuse VII and Betelgeuse S, cross-dressing is common. Also, body transformations are done on a large scale. The standard lines of males and females no longer apply. There is a huge number of hermaphrodite people, who became like this because they wanted to be like this. The classic words he and she no longer apply. Because it is sometimes impossible to use the proper word, people prefer to use the term it. In other places of the galaxy, to talk about a human using it, will not be pleasant, but here, this is how people talk with each other.
Many slaves that came to Betelgeuse S are castrated. They form a distinct population. Many of them, opted to transform their bodies into that of a man, of a woman or a hermaphrodite. Abdullah - 415002, refused this and said:
"I will not be a he or a she. I prefer to be an it. I will remain as I am. Also, my name is not Abdullah nor 415002. Abdullah was a child and 415002 was a teen. I need to find another name".
Castrated slaves, all over the galaxy, form a third gender. They are usually called castrato people. Over a millennium ago, boys were castrated at a young age to preserve their juvenile voices. Such singers were called castrato. They were common singers in the opera.
The other person was born as a woman, in the most inhuman place of the galaxy: the body farms of UV Ceti. There, people are grown in cages. Women are forced to get pregnant and children are grown with a specific education, to be sold as slaves. She was born in the body farm owned by the pirate Curse. Because she showed to have a good genetic potential, Curse saved her for breeding. She never had a name, but a number: 516237. As she passed puberty, she was moved to her cage. The slave who first inseminated her had no experience and injured her uterus. It was a very painful experience. Because she did not get pregnant, she was inseminated again a few times... but she was sterile.
Because she never got pregnant, Curse sold her to another pirate, Blood, who took her and raped her, then threw her in a cage, where she was abused by his men. Then, he used her to clean and cook for his warriors. Because she was not working properly, he sold her to another pirate, Rage, who sold her to Delta.
When she arrived to Betelgeuse S, she was very sick and suffering from malnutrition. She needed urgent medical treatment. More then this, she needed psychiatric treatment, to recover from all her traumas. However, it was impossible for her to recover completely. She had endless nightmares. She was now a sfenist.
Soon, she found herself in a big family. For the first time in her life, she heard words like love, care, respect or value of a human life. She found out that people here don't have numbers, but names. Still, she was not decided what name to have. Also, very soon she found out that people practice cross-dressing on a large scale. On UV Ceti, there were men who had the power. Pirate women were rare. So many times in her life, she wished to be a man. Going to the extreme, to have surgery and transform herself into a man, is not what she likes. But still, cross-dressing is acceptable. Well, she will no longer be a she, but not a he. She likes the idea to be an it.
**********
415002 - Abdullah is a strong person. Still, it has a great talent in organizing a project. It was promoted to organize working projects. For example, when you need to create a natural barrier in front of a wind current (like a mountain range), it figures out what equipment to use, how to build the needed infrastructure, how to secure the needed energy and where to place the buildings for the workers.
On the other hand, 516237 is very good at organizing people. It knows how to deal with workers, how to group them in shifts, how to solve conflicts between them and how to convince them to work. It finds out how much food, water and oxygen will be needed and what else people will need during a certain project.
Because of this, Delta sent them to supervise the most difficult projects. Delta trusts them both, more then its own people. One day, Delta calls them both and ask them to find a name for themselves. Numbers are only used for slaves in UV Ceti. Many slaves already have chosen names, but they still haven't. Then, 516237 asks Delta:
"How are names chosen?"
"Well, for children, names are given by their parents. And it depends. When I was born, my parents wanted for me a name that will end with A. On Betelgeuse VII, since cross-dressing is very common, many boys are given names ending with an A. They opened the dictionary and chosen the name they liked the most".
"Then, we should do the same", answers 415002.
So, they open an online dictionary and chose the names they like. 415002 - Abdullah choses the name Analemma. Well, Analemma is a diagram showing the positions of the sun or a moon during each day of the year, at the same hour. Searching something related, 516237 finds another word, Anathem, which is in fact the name of a sci-fi novel.
From this moment on, they are Analemma and Anathem.
Also, they adapt to the life of Betelgeuse S. Analemma might have been a boy, but it looks more like a woman. It still has some male features, like a higher body and a face that has something masculine in it, but overall, it looks more like a woman. So, it prefers to dress like a woman. On the other side, Anathem, even if it was born as a woman, prefers to get dressed and behave like a man. Only the female voice betrays this. Anathem has small breasts that can be easily hidden behind clothes.
**********
Delta promised that, once terraforming of Betelgeuse S will be finished, the rescue operation will start. But, before this, it invites its best friends, Analemma and Anathem, to talk about this. It will be the largest relocation operation in history. Such a project will, by far, not be easy to do.
Delta was born as a man, but undergone surgery and DNA transformations to become a hermaphrodite. Now, it is very old. It sits on its throne, wearing the iron crown that was worn by the whole Caligula dynasty. Officially, it is Caligula XVIII. The crown stays on its white hair. The dictator wears a white mantle.
Analemma enters the room, wearing a black dress, with knee-high boots. Its hair is long and painted brown. Anathem wears a black costume with men shoes. Its hair is cut short.
"My friends", says Delta, lighting a cigarette, "I am very old. I lived my life for one purpose: to terraform this planet and to save the people from Betelgeuse VII".
Anathem also lights a cigarette, listening to the dictator.
"However, I don't know what to do", continues Delta. "The people I want to save, they killed my sister. They killed the dictator before it. They killed my best friend and sent my child in slavery. You know very well this. You both come from the hell of UV Ceti and you both know what is there. I wish my child just died, but maybe it suffers just like you did before you arrived here".
Analemma lights a cigarette too, thinking about UV Ceti and slavery.
"I worked all my life to save those who killed my family", continues Delta, blowing a cloud of smoke. "I don't want to save them. If I bring them here, I am afraid they will kill us all".
They both listen to the dictator, understanding the pain in its words.
"What should I do?" asks Delta, looking to them. "This is what everyone waits from me, to save them. We are all brothers and cousins with those on Betelgeuse VII".
"If you don't save them, they will all die", says Analemma, blowing a cloud of smoke in the air.
"I know..." says the dictator. "But, saving them, won't ensure our own doom?"
"I don't think so", says Anathem. "I was born in UV Ceti and I've seen the worst. I think we can handle them. After all, they are not pirates".
"What do you think they are?" asks Delta.
"I've seen pirates turned into slaves", says Anathem. "They tried to fight, but in the end, accepted the only way: submission. You have to be a bit tough. But these are not pirates".
"What is the meaning of your life?" asks Analemma. "Isn't it to save them? Why did Caligula XIII die? Your sister sacrificed its life to save them, well knowing what will happen".
"You are right", says Delta, "but... I often sent spies on Betelgeuse VII. Many of them consider that my sister betrayed them, to save its life and the elite. And they consider their savior to be Caligula XVI, who actually destroyed the economy, giving them social money".
"Yes, because they only see the money and nothing beyond", says Anathem. "But for sure, they see the end is coming. If you save them, they will consider you their real savior and will see what your sister has done to them".
"Will they?" asks Delta.
"Have mercy", says Anathem, blowing a cloud of smoke. "Just as you have when you decided to buy us".
When Delta was forced to work with slaves, it chosen to buy those who were not the best. Pirates often try to hide ill slaves behind the healthy ones. Delta always had mercy. Other slave dealers usually dispatch the weaker slaves, but Delta tried to buy those dispatched.
"Yes, I had mercy, but I used you... as slaves", says Delta. "I used your work to save those people. This planet should be yours".
"If you don't save them", says Anathem, "then all our work is wasted in vain".
"What was the reason why Betelgeuse VII was terraformed?" asks Analemma.
"To be a sanctuary for sexual minorities and transgender people", answers Delta. "This is what the first Caligula wanted to be".
"And Betelgeuse S will be a new paradise, replacing the lost one", continues Analemma. "If you stop here, you betray the founder, Caligula I. It never seen the terraforming complete. It never seen its dream coming true".
"Why did Caligula I terraform Betelgeuse VII?" says Anathem. "To help. Unfortunately, it had not the money to terraform another planet. It looks like Caligula I knew that Betelgeuse will not last long, but had no idea that it will explode so soon. It estimated that the star will last for millennia, which is long enough for someone to terraform a new planet".
"I know, my friends", whispers Delta.
"I will answer you with something my parents said", says Analemma. "The Prophet said that people must help each other. He said that anyone must give something to the poor. And someone asked: 'What if someone has nothing to give to the poor?' The prophet answered: 'Then, that person should work, get some money and give something to the poor'. And someone said: 'But what if someone cannot do that?' The Prophet answered: 'Then, that person should go itself and help others with its own hands, doing something helpful'. And again, someone asked: 'What if one cannot do even that?' And the Prophet answered: 'If someone cannot do even that, then that person should think what is it doing bad to other people. Even that is help'. In Islam, helping others is a very important thing".
They all stay quiet and listen. Then, Analemma continues:
"Allah has no mercy on one who has no mercy on others".
Delta looks down, thinking. Then, it says:
"I don't want to be judged by history as the dictator who left so many people to die. We must save them. Only that I just cannot. I give the mission to you. After all, I am too old to do this job. Analemma, you will take the fleet to Betelgeuse VII and start the rescue program. Save them before it is too late. Anathem, you will take care of the resettlement program. You will guide the refugees to their new homes and make sure they accommodate to this new world".
**********
On the first day of 3075, Betelgeuse S is officially terraformed. Delta purchases a large fleet of passenger ships, to carry the refugees. Analemma goes with the fleet, to start its work. Back home, Anathem prepares itself for the massive relocation program.
When the economy collapsed, Betelgeuse VII had a population of 187 million people. Some people managed to runaway, other died on the planet and other were born. Evacuating 187 million people in 700 days means an average of 27000 people per day. The population lived in 62417 towns. Each town had an online panel in its center. The planet seems to no longer have telecommunications, internet and even electricity. The first thing Analemma does is to replace all online panels with new, battery powered panels. They will inform people about ship schedules. A ship will come to each town from time to time, to pick-up survivals.
What happened to the star?
Betelgeuse is just as shiny as it were in the days of Caligula XIII. Only that now it is surrounded by a ring of gasses, ejected during a massive flare, when the third carbon shell ignited. The real changes are inside the sun.
Even in the days of Caligula I, Betelgeuse stopped fusing carbon in its core. The founder probably thought that helium fusion has stopped and carbon fusion will start. Carbon fusion continued in a shell surrounding the growing inert core. This shell slowly fused, heating the core for a while.
The star ended oxygen fusion in the core in 3075, just the year when rescue operations started. For a short time, oxygen will still be fused in a shell, that will heat the core. But not for long. As the oxygen flame moves outwards, it cannot heat the core any longer. The core is losing energy because of neutrino radiation. In every second, it loses more energy that it was losing 30 minutes during helium fusion. Because of this, the core contracts more and more. This contraction produces more heat, which in reverse increases the neutrino production.
By now, the neutrino radiation is so high, that it starts to affect the equipment.
The second thing Analemma does, is to install a neutrino telescope. It will warn the rescue fleet of incoming dangers.
Oxygen fusion produced heavier elements: silicon, sulfur or phosphorus. The reaction also produces free protons, neutrons and helium nuclei, which fuse with whatever they find in their way. The star still has some lighter elements from previous fusion reactions: sodium and magnesium. But, during oxygen fusion, much of the sodium also have been fused into magnesium, aluminum or silicon. Also, much of the magnesium has been fused into silicon.
Betelgeuse will try to fuse sodium and magnesium for a while. But these elements are not in large amounts, so this process will not last for long. In the end, the core will be a mass of silicon and heavier elements, that will be fused into iron. And when the whole core will be converted into iron, no further fusion reaction will be able to delay the incoming supernova.
Both Analemma and Anathem know there is not much time. They decide to evacuate and resettle 30 thousand people a day.
But will they make it? Will they save the whole population before it's too late?
Nature is the best and most efficient killer (an Ecologist).
The rescue operations start on Betelgeuse VII. First in each one of the former towns, the online panel in the center is put back into function. The panel will display the date and hour when a rescue ship will come, as well as the situation inside the star. Betelgeuse will soon go supernova. When that will happen, there will be nothing possible to do. The rescue operations are leaded by Analemma, a former castrated male slave that now prefers to dress like a woman, looking more like a woman then like a man.
Analemma decides to set its rescue base in the former capital city. Its ship lands there, at the former palace where once the Caligula dynasty ruled the planet. The plan is to take 27000 people onboard ships, freeze them in liquid helium and send them to Betelgeuse S, a planet located ten light years away and their new home. Each landing ship can take a bit over a hundred people, so there will be needed 270 landings each day. Analemma has a fleet of a hundred landing ships, which can easily land four times a day, resulting in 400 landings. There are 62417 former towns on the planet. Each town can be visited at every 156 Earth days, after a schedule.
Landing ships take people to orbit, where a large passenger transporter awaits. There, Analemma built a small transit base. Inside that base, people will be frozen in liquid helium. This way, they will not require oxygen and food during the flight. Each passenger transporter can take 60000 people onboard and the flight takes, using maximum acceleration and deceleration, eight days. Basically, there are twenty transporters. So, there will be one transporter taking refugees every day.
Then, on Betelgeuse S, transporters land in the orbital station. From there, people will be ferried with landing ships to the surface, frozen in liquid helium. They will wake-up on the surface, where they will be resettled to already built towns.
The first rescue ship is scheduled to land in the capital. It is a historical moment. Analemma wants to be there and watch the process itself. The online panel, installed a few days ago, displays the remaining time until ship arrival. There are a few hours left and people gather to take the first place, to get out of here.
But what happened to this place? Once, Betelgeuse VII was a blowing economy and an example of democracy. And now? All people gathering here, look dirty, with ripped clothes, with scars on their faces. The town was built like any other town on Betelgeuse VII, with parallel concrete streets, that intersect other parallel streets, forming squares of 200 meters each. Each square hosted four equal properties, four houses. Now, all the houses look damaged, with broken windows and with plaques of wood replacing the glass. Many homes have their roofs destroyed. Each house was surrendered by a garden. Many people had animals. People were encouraged to farm, to produce their own food and goods. But now, much of the town seems to be abandoned. The former concrete roads are covered with mud and vegetation. Trees have grown on the roads. But still, many people grow their food in their gardens. Vegetables, tobacco, animals and even corn can be seen in many places. Only that all seems made of improvisations. On some buildings, the old paint is still visible, damaged. Former flying cars are abandoned along the roads. Others have been transformed in homes for animals.
As people gather to take the first ship, Analemma notices that there are far more people then the ship can carry. They all wait, well knowing that the ship cannot take more then 150 squeezed people.
Finally, the first ship arrives, a few minutes before schedule. The ship is scheduled to wait until it is full with people, but if not enough people gather inside, it cannot wait more then an hour. Then, it will fly an hour to the passenger transporter and has another hour to deploy all the people. And then, it has another hour to fly to the next targeted town. Four hours are allocated for each landing. This would mean that a ship can land 6 times a day, but Analemma knows very well that unknown factors might occur and always adds reserve time to each schedule.
The ship lands where the town center once was, near the online panel. It is still warm from atmosphere friction. The door opens and people fight to get inside. They don't calm down. Instead of entering in a row, they fight with each other. Analemma knew this will happen. Instead of taking a hundred people, the ship gets filled up to refuse. The pilot is instructed not to get out of the ship, to wait until there is no more free space and to fly. But, outside, people start to fight with each other, to get inside. When there is no more room, the door closes and the ship starts to fly.
"Sandra, how many people you have?" asks Analemma on its radio.
"I don't know exactly, but it looks like I have almost 200".
"Can you fly with this extra weight?"
"It is a bit heavy, but I can. I will make it to schedule".
Analemma returns to the former palace, where many online interactive panels allow it to see what is going on the planet. About every 15 seconds, a ship lands somewhere, taking refugees. Everywhere, the same happens. Analemma can see on one panel, images from the cameras of a ship. People try to get inside, they try to squeeze through the entrance door by any means. They even kill each other. Inside, they squeeze as tight as they can. There is no room for all. No luggage is allowed.
Then, as the ship starts to fly, people in the hull struggle to stay. When it lands, each ship takes oxygen from the atmosphere, so that people will have what to breath. As the ship accelerates and turns to reach the transfer base, people are exposed to powerful moves. Some throw-up. A few claustrophobic people start to be more agitated. Well, this lasts for 40 to 50 minutes, then the door opens. People get into a larger room of the station, where they mix with people brought with other ships.
There, they meet the first people from Betelgeuse S. They are former slaves, now free people. Some people, in the chaos, lose contact with their loved ones. The former slaves try to convince everyone to get to the freezing tanks. It is chaos. People scream, some of them fight. But, in the end, they all understand that they must go on. They must go to the freezing tanks and get loaded on the transporter.
Once they are frozen, the process is all automated. Each person is token on a conveyer belt and sent to the docking place, in liquid helium. Frozen, they are no longer noisy and no longer cause problems. The hardest job is, just as Analemma thought, for the people who have to guide refugees to the freezing tanks. They have weapons, not to kill, but to paralyze those who will not cooperate.
Overall, everything goes just as Analemma planned things to go. There is no other way. It is impossible to take more people out once. Betelgeuse S could not afford to buy more ships for the operation. Landing ships return to the planet, to their next target, to take more refugees. Pilots would like to make extra landings, to take more people, but Analemma made a clear schedule for everyone.
The first transporter gets loaded with 78000 people. It has a default capacity of 70000 people, but there is always some extra space. They all go to their new homes and their new life. A few hours before it detaches, a new transporter arrives to the base. All is working perfectly. The new transporter opens its cargo for passengers just when the other one closes its doors.
If all works like this, the population can be evacuated in 250 to 300 days, not 700 as was the initial plan.
There is another thing that Analemma had in plan. The empire of the Pleiades had a secret plan to take over both Betelgeuse VII and Betelgeuse S, during the rescue operations. Since Betelgeuse VII was isolated to the world, the empire of Pleiades sent its criminals in exile there. All were transformed into women with the help of surgery and DNA modifications, then abandoned on Betelgeuse VII. Their bodies might be transformed, but their brains no. The plan was that these criminals will start an attack or even a rebellion on the planet, in the ships or even on the new home planet, Betelgeuse S. Then, the Pleiades will interfere with a military unit, camouflaged as a mafia faction. This would give the emperor the right to interfere with a larger military unit, to formally 'bring in the peace' and conquer Betelgeuse S.
In order to counter such an attack, Analemma has its own military unit waiting on orbit, made of former slaves. If needed, they are ready to land and stop any rebellion.
Not much time ago, ships from the Pleiades were already stationed in orbit around Betelgeuse VII. But just before the rescue operations started, there was a massive attack from the pirates of UV Ceti, which destroyed the whole fleet. Then, these pirates, with their bloody captain Angela Northern, went to the Pleiades and started a war there.
Angela Northern and its fleet of pirates started a war against the powerful empire of the Pleiades, first taking down all the fleet stationed around Betelgeuse VII. Without this, rescue operations could have ended in a more different way. Compared to the powerful weapons of the Pleiades fleet, the small fleet that Analemma brought here would have been defeated in an instant, like a snowball in hell. No rescue operations could be possible in such conditions.
After a few days, Analemma finds out that everything is working very well. It no longer needs to check out everything. However, violence occur on the planet. Some people, trying to get faster out, go from town to town, searching for the next scheduled landing. When a ship lands, there are many people from other towns. Some people try to kill the others or at least to scare the others with weapons, to get the first out. Others try to convince people that, the ones who lived will end-up as slaves in UV Ceti. All this, to scare others and get themselves first to the ships. But Analemma does not bother. There is enough time to evacuate the whole population, to take everyone out. Let the most desperate ones leave first, then will be rescued the others.
Everything goes just as planned. Landing ships make four landings every day, taking away more and more people. They follow their schedules and after 156 earth days they return to their previous destinations. A ship lands for the second time in the capital, to take other people away. This time, people fight again to get out and save their lives. The third time a rescue ship lands, not many people remain outside. Almost all the
**********
Analemma sits in the former palace, in its room, watching the rescue operation on the online panels. The transmission is not very good. Betelgeuse is getting closer to its death by each day. The star has used all its oxygen in the core. For a while, oxygen was still fused in a shell surrounding the core. Now, since no more energy is produced, the core collapses, increasing pressure and temperature, trying to fuse something heavier, to generate some energy.
In the core, temperature increased to two billion degrees K and pressure reaches 500 metric tons per cubic centimeter. One matchbox filled with matter from the core of Betelgeuse will weight like a full loaded cargo train. Things were not like this before. When Caligula I, the founder of Betelgeuse VII colony made its first research, conditions were so different in the core. Temperature was around 80 million degrees, which is 25 times cooler. Matter density was also much lower, at 30 metric tons per cubic centimeter. These values are huge. Basically, all atoms in the core are tightly squeezed, while their electrons fly in the tight space between. At such huge temperatures, all light is in the gamma ray spectrum.
And this is what triggers the death of a giant star. Matter is tightly squeezed and collisions between atoms, between electrons and even between gamma rays are very common. Sometimes, during these very energetic collisions, some of the energy is lost under the form of a neutrino and antineutrino pair. Each neutrino files away from the core, taking stealing some of the energy. To compensate, the core contracts more, heating itself and producing even more neutrino. It is a runaway, accelerated road to death.
Each time the core finishes a fuel, it contracts until temperature and pressure are just right for another nuclear fuel to ignite. Each time, the star fuses the ashes of a previous fuel. Each time, something is transformed into something more heavy. Oxygen is exhausted. The star now tries to fuse sodium, via photodisintegration. A sodium atom absorbs an energetic gamma ray and loses a part of it: a proton, a neutron or an alpha particle (helium nucleus), becoming something lighter: neon or fluorine, which further loses something, all the way to oxygen. This process consumes energy. Then, oxygen atoms fuse and produce silicon, generating energy. In addition, released protons, neutrons and alpha particles merge with other sodium, magnesium and aluminum atoms, generating energy. Atoms with even number of protons are more stable then those with odd number. So, in the end, photodisintegration of sodium produces mainly magnesium and silicon.
Sodium fusion increases in intensity, trying to produce enough energy to counterbalance the neutrino loss... but before this happens, all sodium is lost, because it is not in large quantities, only about 10%. So, core contraction is not stopped, only slowed. Soon, magnesium fusion will start. Because magnesium is in higher amounts, around 30%, it will stop core collapse for a while.
Magnesium fusion usually works by alpha decay. A magnesium atom absorbs a high-energy gamma ray and loses an alpha particle (helium nucleus), becoming neon. Then, the more unstable neon loses another alpha particle and becomes oxygen, also losing energy. Oxygen atoms fuse into silicon or phosphorus, producing energy. Released alpha particles merge with other magnesium atoms and produce silicon, generating energy. Overall, the process produces more energy then it consumes, powering-up the star for a while.
Then, the little amounts of aluminum enter the reaction. they lose a proton via photodisintegration, becoming magnesium, while the released proton merges with another aluminum atom to form silicon. Magnesium undergoes photodisintegration in the same way, down to oxygen, which fuses into silicon. Aluminum fusion does not produce significant energy and it almost does not have any influence in the evolution of the star.
In case of Betelgeuse, there is enough magnesium to restore the core equilibrium and delay the collapse, but in case of many stars, there isn't and magnesium fusion goes mostly unnoticed, just like sodium fusion. Because of this, the star will live 40 additional days.
Betelgeuse has entered the photodisintegration era.
Four rescue ships have landed to each town. Now, they are no longer overcrowded. The rescue operation proves to be a great success. There is enough time to rescue everyone. But, many people have left the towns and are now living in remote places. The rescue operation will be far more complicated.
Once sodium fusion ends, Analemma scans the star with a neutrino telescope. The unique neutrino signatures allow scientists to know what exactly is in the core: 31% magnesium, 52% silicon, 11% sulfur, 4% aluminum and 2% other, heavier elements. Now, everyone knows that Betelgeuse has 189 days left. It will explode at the beginning of 3077, a bit faster then previously estimated. After magnesium fusion will end, scientists will know how much time is left with an error of two hours... but at that time, there will only be 60 days left.
Finally, silicon will start to fuse into iron. But, when that will happen, there will be only two days left. Each online panel will show time left in seconds. Once silicon fusion will start, everyone will have to evacuate the planet, to escape the blast wave of the supernova.
**********
Only nature could create such a silent and deadly killer, as the neutrino particle. Without it, the last stages of evolution of red giant stars would last much longer. In the end, the supernova is actually triggered by a massive neutrino emission, so powerful that it blasts away the outer layers of the star. About 99% of the energy released in a supernova is neutrino radiation, only 1% is mechanical or thermal energy or visible light. Without this, stars would not explode this way. Their cores would contract slowly. As this happens, temperature would increase until the outer layers would heat-up and the star would gently expel its outer layers as a powerful solar wind, in a much longer process. All would last far longer.
But why does this tiny subatomic particle exist? Why do dying stars have to waste all their energy creating neutrinos?
Because nature is the most efficient killer.
FireBlast is getting ill, children burning Place (non-sense words from a heavy metal song).
Once, Betelgeuse VII was a paradise for rare sexual minorities and transgender people. But now, things are changed. The sun will soon go supernova. The economy collapsed. Things like electricity, automated trains, distribution services, money or internet, are long gone. There is no institution left, the planet is ruled by anarchy.
Still, a new planet was terraformed by the last dictators: Betelgeuse S, located at ten light years away. The planet is terraformed and its inhabitants are doing a lot of effort to rescue the last survivals from Betelgeuse VII. But do they want to leave? Some do, some don't. Many are afraid that they will not be saved, they will end-up as slaves in UV Ceti, the most infamous solar system in the galaxy. Many pirates tried to take people away from Betelgeuse VII, with false promises that they will be send to other planets... but in fact nearly anyone who left ended-up as slaves. But still, when Betelgeuse S became habitable, many accepted to leave. Many people still don't trust the rescue ships.
At first, rescue ships were visiting each town every 150 days, to pick-up survivals. At that time, there were so many people willing to get out, that many times they fought to get inside the ships. Now, the towns look abandoned. Less and less people go. So, the rescue ships start to patrol. They visit each town at every 10 days, they fly above the land looking for survivals and asking anyone to leave. Nobody forces anyone to go... but Betelgeuse will soon go supernova.
There is a major problem. The empire of the Pleiades found a way to get rid of the heads of their terrorist and mafia leaders. Because these people continue to rule their organizations also from prison and because death sentence is not too popular there, they decided to send them to Betelgeuse VII. All those sent here are first sent to Betelgeuse S, to transform their bodies. First, they are turned into women, using DNA transformation techniques, then they are sent to radical surgery. Female organs are added as implants. Well, it is a death sentence after all, since the sun will soon go supernova.
Betelgeuse VII is ruled by chaos. Bandits, thieves and terrorists roam the planet, looking for food and anything that can be valuable. In such situations, people gather together, looking for someone to protect them. And who could be more experienced then a former mafia leader sent from the Pleiades? It is no surprise that they rule over small communities at their own will. Even if they are now women, they prefer to be called padrino, which means godfather. Each community is ruled by a padrino.
Well, when the first rescue ships came, most people were still sitting in their towns. They chosen to leave. Also, many padrinos wanted to leave, knowing that Betelgeuse will soon explode. But others refused. They prefer to stay here, even knowing that their lives will be short. Rescue ships take away many of their subjects, so they started whatever is possible to stop people from getting away. Some started to tell people that it is all a lie and Betelgeuse will never explode, that the whole thing is a hoax made to convince people to leave and become slaves in UV Ceti. Others used more drastic methods, like torture for those who want to leave.
**********
In a former town, there were three sisters: Angela, Mariella and Beta. The term 'sister' is a bit inappropriate, since they were more different. Angela (former Angel) is a guy in all aspects, but likes cross-dressing and never went dressed as a man for years. Mariella is a woman in all aspects. Beta is a hermaphrodite, having both genital organs, breasts and a mustache. The other two convinced Beta to dress like a woman. Their parents, which were hermaphrodites, died in a fight between two armed groups which wanted to take over their town. The sisters then moved away and never returned.
They found a little settlement, owned by a padrino named FireBlast. Even if it is a woman (a trans woman more exactly), FireBlast has the soul of a man. It convinced a few hundred people to come here and form a colony. People live here like in the middle ages. They have a central fortress, where they sleep, surrounded by a wall of stones, reinforced with tree logs. The wall is surrounded by a ditch filled with water. Outside, there are fields where they harvest all they need, from grains and vegetables to tobacco. They also grow animals.
FireBlast calls its fortress Place and all inhabitants its children. A few times, Place was attacked by bandits, but each time FireBlast managed to stop them. Its children have weapons: pikes, bows and arrows. They work the land using wooden tools. But, on the other side, it likes to be worshipped. FireBlast created a cult of personality and punished anyone who wanted to talk or stop it in any way.
**********
One day, the sisters are working in the fields. At some point, they get tired and stop. Each one lights a cigarette.
"You noticed that?" says Mariella. "Flowers are blushing no more".
"But they should", says Angela, blowing a cloud of smoke. "It is their season".
"Even the birds are singing weird", adds Mariella, taking its cigarette to the mouth.
"There is something more", says Beta, keeping its cigarette in the mouth. "I noticed the fish are hiding. They are nowhere to be seen in shallow water".
"And the bears are hiding", says Angela, resting with its hand with the cigarette on its knee. They used to come to steal vegetables from us".
"The sun will soon explode", says Mariella in the end. "And nature feels it".
They rest until they finish their cigarettes, then start to work again. Then, they notice something approaching. It is a bright flying object that comes to them and lands in the fields. It is a spaceship, a rescue one. The pilot stops the ship, opens the door and turns on a big speaker:
"I am the captain of the rescue ship. Please climb aboard! We are picking survivals to Betelgeuse S. I will take you to safety before the sun will explode".
"I am going in", says Angela.
"Wait!" says Mariella. "What if this is a trap?"
"We should ask FireBlast before", says Beta.
"I am going in", says Angela again. "You should go to Place and ask FireBlast. I will convince them to come there".
"Then, we go with you", says Mariella.
They all enter the ship and ask the captain to go to Place. Then, the ship lands there. Mariella remains inside, while the other sisters step outside. Everyone in Place comes to see the ship. FireBlast itself comes and sits in front of the ship.
"You! Identify yourself!" shouts FireBlast.
The pilot steps outside the ship and says:
"I am Davida, the pilot of this rescue ship".
"Where do you come from?" asks FireBlast, lighting a cigarette.
"From Betelgeuse S", answers the pilot. "I came to pick survivals, before the sun goes supernova".
"How can I know that you are not a pirate looking for slaves?"
"I have aboard many people from various places, including two rescued volunteers that came to help people".
"I don't believe you", answers FireBlast. "Many pirates do that. How should I know if you are telling the truth?"
"I am. And if you and your people don't come with me, you will all die".
"Oh yeah? Does the sun look different now then it looked yesterday? I don't think so. Stop telling me this hoax".
"In exactly 11 days from now, Betelgeuse will start fusing magnesium in its core. And in 24 days, you will see a massive flare on the sky. That should be a good warning".
"I don't believe you, false Messiah!"
"I will drop here an online information panel. A ship will come every ten days. Maybe you will change your mind. It has a neutrino detector. Maybe this will show you the truth".
"I need no tricks to see the truth".
The pilot comes with something from the ship, a large screen that it places on the ground.
"Everyone who wants to go to Betelgeuse S, please come aboard!"
FireBlast screams and orders people to stop, but still, about twenty decide to go. As they enter the ship, the doors close and the ship starts flying.
**********
Angela decided to go, while its sisters remained in Place. The ship flies with great speed, searching for survivals. It makes a few more stops, then flies away to orbit. In total, 58 people from various places decided to go. The ship arrives at a passenger transporter, which is waiting on orbit.
Still, Angela has no way to see outside. It reaches the transporter, where people are sent to a freezing tank. There, with the help of induced electric currents, each passenger is turned to sleep, then frozen in liquid helium for the ride. The transporter takes survivals to the orbital station surrounding Betelgeuse S. There, a huge number of people arrive. Angela is shocked to see so many, more then it ever seen in its lifetime.
In small groups, people are sent from the orbital station towards the surface base. There, they are sent, one by one, to a series of identical doors.
Angela reaches a door. As it enters in a small room, with no windows and illuminated, it can see a small drone.
"Medical check", says the drone. "Please remain still".
The drone scans its body, then goes. Another door opens forward. There, Angela is invited to take off its clothes and take a shower. The clothes are also washed and dried within a minute. After this, another door opens and Angela goes into a third room. There, another drone comes and says:
"Do you have a name?"
"Yes. Angela... well, in fact Angel".
"How do you want people to call you?"
"Angela, if that is ok".
"Angela, I want to ask you some questions, so that other survivals could find you. If you don't want, you can refuse to answer. Do you want others to find you?"
"Yes".
"What town do you come from?"
"I was born in Black Wolf, but I lived in Place".
Then, the drone asks other questions. Also, it tries to find out what Angela works, what is it capable of, what type of climate is Angela used to live in and what kind of people does it like around. These things are important to identify the best town to go. Finally, the drone asks:
"Do you want to locate another survival and go to its place?"
"No, thanks".
Then, Angela enters another room. There, a robot serves it with a fresh meal. And then, it goes to another room. There, it receives a bag with a few things: clothes, a pack of cigarettes, a bottle of water and other small things.
After all this, Angela reaches another small room. There, it gets a sheet of paper, describing the way to go to its selected new address. In the next room, a robot scans its body for the bioenergy signature, takes a sample to read the DNA and completes its new identity card. This card contains only a few details. No name or gender is written, only a code number and the address, which is also in numbers.
After all this, Angela opens the last door and reaches open space. Now, it can see the sky and the new world that was built for everyone. Angela didn't arrive in UV Ceti, as FireBlast told everyone, but on Betelgeuse S. The sun is orange-red and has a similar size as seen from the ground, only that it does not have those extremely bright or dark spots. It is a red dwarf, the dimmest, most common and most long lived of all stars in the galaxy. The sky looks somehow familiar, with a color between blue and violet. The clouds also share the same pink color, just like on Betelgeuse VII. However, this tiny star is not surrounded by haze or a ring of ejected matter.
The Earth orbits the Sun at a distance of 1 AU. Betelgeuse VII is located at 160 AU to its sun, while Betelgeuse S, only at 0.05 AU. The planet orbits its sun in about 10 Earth days. However, its rotation period is nearly equal to the revolution period. A day will last over a hundred Earth years, longer then a human lifetime.
There, just outside the base, Angela reaches a large concrete square. In the middle, there is a small train station, with trains departing to the main, former town. The area looks nearly like a desert. Well, Angela looks at its instruction paper. It must take the train from here to the main station, which connects the capital town. From there, it will have to change a few trains to reach its home town. Towns have no name, just identity numbers. In future, settlers will decide what name will each town wear. But, for now, Angela looks at the instruction paper: "Take the train that arrives to the central square. It will take you to the main station. From there, go to platform 5 and take the train going to town 5468. The destination should be written on the train's nose. Go 21 stations, until you reach town 217. There, get down and move to line 1, to take a train to station 957"... and so on. On each line, an automated train will come at every 3 hours, after a well established schedule.
Angela gets into the first train, towards the main station. The landscape is of a large plain, with hills at the horizon. There is something big, even huge, that can be seen clearly along the route. There are five giant statues, made of iron, placed on a platform. Angela looks at them, not knowing what they are. Each statue is about 400 meters high, while the platform holding them is 150 meters high. That is really huge, something it has never seen.
The first statue represents a man with a crown on one hand. Angela recognizes that crown, which was worn by the whole Caligula dynasty, which ruled Betelgeuse VII until anarchy came. It is Caligula I, the founder. Its name is written below, on the platform.
The second statue is that of a hermaphrodite, with both female breasts and male beard and mustache, with a long hair and with a telescope in one hand. It is Caligula XII, the dictator that firstly used a neutrino telescope to see that Betelgeuse will explode soon.
The third statue is of Caligula XIII, also a hermaphrodite, with its long coat, exposing only the toes. The dictator holds two globes, one in each hand. One is the planet Betelgeuse VII and the other is Betelgeuse S. It is more robust then Caligula XII, but with the same height.
The fourth statue is of Etna, a transgender woman that came from the Pleiades and dedicated its life to terraform Betelgeuse S. Etna holds a sheet of paper, where the Pleiades are drawn. Etna appears with a knee-long skirt and shoes with high heels.
The fifth statue is smaller and represents a child, with wings like those of a butterfly. It is Angela Northern, the child of Delta, the current ruling dictator and brother of Caligula XIII. It is like an angel, but with butterfly wings.
But, what scares everyone in the train, is what is written on the platform holding the statues: "The ones you killed are the ones who saved you". Isn't it just what happened? Angela looks scared and a tear flows from one eye. Isn't this what people on Betelgeuse VII just did? They killed both Caligula XII and XIII, for money laundry. But in fact, it is this money that made possible terraforming a new planet. People killed them both... but they are heroes. They are the only ones who did something, to save everyone from death. Etna was also killed on Betelgeuse VII. Etna dedicated its life to this cause: to offer people from Betelgeuse VII a new home. And its reward? Death.
But the little Angela Northern? It was sold as a slave to UV Ceti. Dead end. There is no way to know what happened to it. Nobody had, at that time, any idea that that little child is actually Angela Northern, who leads hordes of pirates from UV Ceti to conquer the whole galaxy. People will find out the truth much later, when the star Betelgeuse will no longer exist.
And Caligula I, the founder? Was it killed too? thinks Angela. Could be.
"The ones you killed are the ones who saved you", whispers Angela for itself, feeling guilty for all this.
All this time, most people on Betelgeuse VII considered that Caligula XII and Caligula XIII did what they did to save their children, their friends and other important state employees. They considered both dictators traitors and not saviors, national heroes, as they should be considered.
But, the train arrives to its destination, the capital town. Once, that town was covered with a massive dome. Now, the dome is gone, as the air is breathable. But there is no time to explore. Angela looks around, to find the train platform needed and to go to its new home.
Then, after taking many trains, changing routes and one time getting lost, very tired, Angela arrives to its final destination. There is even a map of the town, showing the location of its new house. It is a single room metal building, just like the homes people received on Betelgeuse VII in the old days. It is all so similar!
**********
The other sisters refused to go. Both Mariella and Beta decided to remain. FireBlast is very angry and decided to stop anyone who wants to get inside a rescue ship. However, these ships keep coming at every ten days, asking everyone to leave.
Deep inside Betelgeuse, things are not looking well. The star has long exhausted its classic fuels: hydrogen, helium, carbon, neon and oxygen. Now, its core is heated to two billion degrees K, which is 130 times hotter then the core of Earth's Sun. There, matter density is thousands of times higher then in the core of the Sun. Betelgeuse tries anything to produce more energy, to sustain itself. As pressure continues to rise, magnesium starts to fuse. This process stops core contraction and even makes it expand, squeezing and heating outer layers, which are fusing oxygen and neon. There, fusion occurs in an eruptive way, very violent, creating a powerful wave that propagates through the next layers, which are fusing carbon. The shock wave does not have enough power to break through the next layers, which are fusing helium and hydrogen, all the way to the surface, because Betelgeuse is rotating very fast. The Coriolis effect prevents this... except for the poles.
The shock wave can reach surface at the poles, more exactly at the South pole. There, a massive flare erupts, blowing matter through space. It is so bright, that shines at least ten times brighter then Betelgeuse itself... but it does not last long. The big jet of plasma ejected becomes clearly visible. It is like a monster, growing in size but losing luminosity.
FireBlast keeps telling everyone that the sun will not explode and all is a hoax. In the day when the flare gets formed, FireBlast is sitting high on the roof of the central building in Place, screaming to everyone:
"Will the sun explode?"
"No", answers everyone.
"Are those our saviors?"
"No!"
"What happened to those who left?"
"They are slaves!"
"Do you want to be slaves?"
"No!"
"Well", says FireBlast, "I look at the sun and I see it just as it were when I came here. It will never change. It will remain as we see it now, forever. Do you see any difference?"
Just as FireBlast says these words, the powerful flare becomes visible. A bright and hot light force everyone to close the eyes... but FireBlast is looking directly to it. The flare shines very bright and also blows a deadly stream of X and UV radiation. People feel their skin is burning and try to hide anywhere they can. FireBlast falls from the roof and is token by others inside a building. It is blind and all its skin is burned. It feels very dizzy, starts vomiting and feels a lot of pain.
Outside, the sun scourges the planet. The air becomes hot, almost no longer breathable. Plants start to get dried. Then, powerful storms come, as the flare starts to lost its power. The 'children' gather around FireBlast, their leader, to say:
"You lied to us!"
"The sun will explode. All of us know this".
"You are the false prophet, not the pilots".
"Do not go to them, they will take you into slavery", says FireBlast.
FireBlast is getting more and more sick. Then, at one moment, one of its 'children' takes a torch and says:
"We have to get out of here, with the next rescue ship. The Place was nothing more then a prison for all of us. Let's burn it!"
And this is exactly what happens. The 'children' start burning Place, while FireBlast feels more and more sick. Many 'children' remain close to the online panel, waiting for the next ship to save them. Others, run away.
Mariella decides to run. Not knowing who to trust, it has no idea if rescue ships are employed by the pirates or they really are from Betelgeuse S. So, Mariella runs into the forest, traveling a few days between ruins and fallen tree branches. Everything is ruined all around.
But, after traveling a few days, Mariella finds something. In the good days, it was a deep platinum mine. There are gates surrounding some buildings on the top. Trying to get inside, to find some food and something to smoke, Mariella activates an alarm. Someone comes and shouts:
"Drop your weapons if you want to come here!"
"I have no weapons, just a pike", it says, dropping it.
That person takes Mariella to a deep mine well, with an elevator. Down, about 2 km deep. There, beneath the surface, was a mine in the old times. There is light, there is electricity, water to drink, plants grow in a cavern illuminated and there is food.
The former mining corporation decided to use its facilities to create a closed ecosystem, able to support an underground colony. At this depth, they hope to survive the supernova. 1200 people chosen to come down here, to live. They have a nuclear generator and also access to geothermal energy. They have the technology to dig new caverns and are self-sustainable.
**********
Beta, the last sister, decides to wait. The first rescue ship takes it and other survivals to Betelgeuse S. Beta tries its best to find Angela and manages to do so. Angela asks:
"What is going on home?"
"FireBlast is getting ill, children burning Place", answers Beta.
The two are safe. However, with such a big number of immigrants, Betelgeuse S is facing problems. Food rations are the only thing that keep people alive, until they harvest their own crops. People have to start it all from zero. They have allocated land for farming, they received seeds and a few animals, but time is needed until they will be able to harvest their own food.
The whole resettlement program is controlled by Anathem, a former slave who dedicated its life to terraform the new planet. Anathem does anything it can to advice people to work the land, to build working shops and to take part in various sectors of the economy. It is a very hard job, that needs to be done.
**********
Unfortunately, there is not much time. The resettlement program will last for an earth year after the last settler has arrived, but there is not much time left to save the last survivals. Betelgeuse fused all its magnesium very fast. It took four days for magnesium fusion to equal the energy loss caused by neutrino radiation. Then, for 14 days, magnesium fusion heated the core and made it expand. for additional five days, magnesium fusion occurred in a shell surrounding the core. After that, the core could no longer get energy from fusion and continued to contract for 19 days, back to the density it had when magnesium fusion equaled the energy loss caused by neutrino radiation. In total, magnesium fusion gave Betelgeuse an extra of 38 days of life.
But now, as temperature continues to grow, more and more neutrinos are produced, taking away the energy of the star at an alarming rate. There are only 33 days left... and in the last two, silicon fusion will occur. Betelgeuse will try for the last time to delay its death. Silicon fusion will produce about 20% the energy produced by carbon fusion, 25% of what produced neon fusion, 5% of what was produced by oxygen fusion or the same amount of energy produced by magnesium fusion. However, when that will happen, less then a billionth of that energy will be used by the core to stop contraction. All the rest, will be lost as neutrino radiation.
When the neutrino telescopes will detect signs of silicon fusion, all rescue ships will be ordered to leave the planet. This is mandatory, to escape the incoming supernova. The shock wave will destroy anything in its way. Every ship must reach a safe distance.
The massive flare was a big warning sign for all those who don't want to leave. Now, each rescue ship picks nearly all survivals found. But still, there are people who don't want to go, who never got in contact with a rescue ship or who decided to survive using other ways.
Will there be enough time to save everybody?
What would you do if you know that tomorrow is the last day of your life?
Very soon, the sun will go supernova. There are ten days left. The planet, Betelgeuse VII, is being evacuated. The last survivals are being rescued and moved to a new planet, Betelgeuse S, located at ten light years away.
First, rescue ships came at every 150 days to each town, rescuing about 70% of the population. Then, as not many remained, ships came every ten days, searching everywhere for survivals. About 20% of the population was saved.
But still, even now, there are 10% left. Many didn't want to go, because they believed that the rescue ships are in fact owned by pirates that will take them to UV Ceti, to be sold as slaves. Now, the clock is ticking.
In charge with the rescue operations is Analemma, a former castrato which dresses and refers to itself as being a woman. For the last ten days, Analemma planned a different rescue operation. Ships will patrol all the time, all day long. They are equipped with an infrared detector, which automatically scans for any remaining people. Each ship will fly fast, scanning the planet for survivals. Each time a survival is found, the ship will stop and ask that person to come aboard and save its life. Those who don't want to go, will be left there.
It is impossible to cover the whole planet that fast. Also, each ship must get out in time. Basically, they must all depart when there will be 30 hours to supernova. When Betelgeuse will explode, it will first blow a powerful jet of neutrinos, followed at short time by a massive gamma and X ray burst. These events will destroy any equipment on a ship that is close enough. Then, the real supernova will start.
In the last two days, Betelgeuse will try to fuse silicon into iron, to produce the last amount of energy that can be generated by nuclear fusion, to delay its death. This is the signal. On the planet, there is a neutrino telescope, connected to each online panel, placed in every town and to each onboard computer, placed in any ship. When the telescope will detect the unique neutrino signature of silicon fusion at an alarming rate, all ships will depart, as fast as they can. In every town, the alarms will ring.
So, rescue ships patrol the whole planet, searching each corner, according to their schedule. Pilots are stressed to the limit. They work, eat and sleep in their cabins. Two pilots are in each ship. They have no time to change clothes. In order for the plan to succeed, they must not lose a single second. Everything is pushed to the limits.
But not everyone wants to go. Many people chosen to hide in the underground mines, where they built closed ecosystems. In some cases, people just preferred to remain on the surface, not believing that the end is so near. Others, afraid not to end-up as slaves in UV Ceti, decided to stay and die. It is better to die then to suffer in slavery, tortured, bitten and raped by the pirates out there. It is a very hard choice for many.
Still, rescue ships manage to save 6% in these last days. 2% remained on the surface and 2% in the underground.
**********
Alex is a pilot from Betelgeuse S, who takes part in the rescue operation. Like many people there, it is very hard to classify someone based on gender. Alex was born as a hermaphrodite and worn the name Alexa. It is common both on Betelgeuse VII and on Betelgeuse S, for people to wear male names with an added a. But Alex chosen to become a man in all aspects, through DNA changing and surgery.
Because cross-dressing is so common and many times it is impossible to guess the gender of a person, people stopped using the words he and she and replaced them with it. Even Alex, sometimes gets dressed like a woman, even if it chosen to become a man.
For five days, Alex and its coworker roamed the planet, looking for survivals. All this time, they had no time to change their clothes and take a bath. They slept, ate, lived and smoked in the spaceship. Now, Alex is in charge, while its coworker, very tired, is taking a nap.
But there is something wrong. The onboard computer receives live data from the neutrino telescope. Situation does not look well. Silicon fusion is starting. Alex looks at the sun, saying:
"I hope you will give us some more time!"
What is going on inside Betelgeuse? In the center of the core, atoms are squeezed close to the limit, to incredible pressure and density. Temperature has reached 3.5 billion degrees K. Everything lighter then silicon has fused. Now, the core is composed of silicon, sulfur and other heavier elements. Atoms are stripped of their electrons, which roam in the little surrounding space. At those high temperatures, all light is in the form of high-energy gamma rays.
Sometimes, when a silicon atom is hit by a gamma ray, it absorbs the energy and releases a proton, a neutron or an alpha particle (helium nucleus). The released particles are absorbed by other, heavier atoms, almost instantly, releasing a little bit more energy. Usually, gamma ray collisions end-up with the release of alpha particles.
The process is called photodisintegration. Usually, silicon fusion works like this: As a silicon atom absorbs energy from gamma rays, it loses an alpha particle, also absorbing energy from the core. This way, silicon is split into magnesium. Then, magnesium loses an alpha particle and transforms itself into neon. As neon is highly unstable in these conditions, it breaks into oxygen, releasing another alpha particle.
Then, oxygen can further disintegrate into carbon and helium, but usually it fuses. Two oxygen atoms form back a silicon or sulfur atom, producing some energy.
Released alpha particles merge with other atoms, producing energy. Silicon absorbs one and becomes sulfur. Then sulfur absorbs another one and becomes argon. The next to be produced is calcium, then titanium, chromium and iron. Finally, iron absorbs one last alpha particle and becomes nickel.
The resulting nickel is radioactive and breaks apart into the most stable isotope of iron.
Silicon fusion starts inside the core. but, for a while, it produces less energy then neutrino losses. In the super-compressed and overheated core, highly energetic collisions between atom nuclei, between electrons and between gamma rays, end-up with the production of neutrinos, which fly away, stealing the energy. It will take some time until the energy production from silicon fusion equals the neutrino loss.
How much energy is Betelgeuse losing through neutrinos? About 50 000 times the energy it radiates as light. Silicon fusion could support it for at least a hundred years, but it will only last a bit over a day.
Alex, with an eye on the data, tries to hurry the ship, to pick-up as many people as could be saved in the remaining time. Four hours until silicon fusion equals neutrino loss... The ship stops somewhere in the forest, where two people are sitting.
"Come with me!" shouts Alex through the speakers.
They hurry inside. The door closes fast and the ship continues its scanning. Somewhere in a pasture, there is another person. The ship slows down and lands. Alex screams through the speakers:
"Come with me if you want to live!"
The door opens and another life is saved. The ship starts flying again, reaching what appears to be a small, remote village.
"Come with me!" screams Alex again.
People hurry to get inside. But, there are a few aged people which cannot move fast. Someone returns to take a baby. Two children don't want to go, scared by the large ship. Alex hurries them to move, asking some people from inside, to help.
The ship detaches again. Alex keeps an eye on the online data. Neutrino radiation is dramatically increasing and it affects the onboard computer. But still, everything is functional. There is a town ahead. The ship lands.
"Come with me!" screams Alex.
There are a few people down there, trying to come. Alex ask them to hurry. Silicon fusion is accelerating in an exponential line. And there is one more town to reach... One more town and all is done. Four more minutes left... silicon fusion cover 10% of neutrino loss and increasing fast.
Two people return and try to bring an old woman that has no feet. A child runs from the ship and its parents jump after it.
"Come on, people! Faster!" screams Alex, looking at the data.
Silicon fusion reaches 15% of neutrino loss, then 25%, then, very fast, 40%.
"We have only one minute!" screams Alex.
More people gather to the ship, trying to get inside. But Alex can see... silicon fusion covers 70% of neutrino loss... and very fast reaches 100%.
The onboard computer turns on automated pilot. The door closes, catching someone's hand. That person remains outside and falls on the ground, screaming of pain, while the hand remains inside. The ship automatically takes off and hurries through the clouds.
Alex watches the planet behind. There are people that could be saved if there were only a few minutes left. And there was only one more town to go. The ship turns its engines at maximum, leaving the planet behind. The onboard computer is experiencing major problems, as so many neutrinos pass through its circuits. Normally, neutrino radiation does not affect matter significantly. But now, there are passing more neutrinos through Alex's ship then through the whole Earth in the Solar System.
The sensors are scrambled. Alex takes command and directs the ship manually. With maximum acceleration, the ship is heading away from Betelgeuse. Away, before the core collapses and releases more neutrinos in a few seconds then it did in its entire lifetime.
**********
Down, in the town, people watch the spaceship vanishing through the clouds. It is gone. All gone.
"We are dead!" says someone.
"Fuck!" mumbles someone else.
"Now, we will all die".
The person who lost its hand, screams of pain. Some people curse. Some start shouting at each other.
"Couldn't you move faster? Now, we are all going to die".
"I should let you here!"
The online panel starts beeping. The alarm is on. Silicon fusion has increased to 110% of neutrino loss. Now, silicon is keeping the star alive... but for very short time. Some people start beating the others. Desperation follows. Then, they all realize everything is over. They are doomed... but anxiety does nothing good.
**********
In the next town, people waited together near the online panel. Suddenly, they see the ship, departing up in the sky, turning on its high-energy thrusters. The online panel shows the ship is late with a few minutes. They know well that, once the rate of silicon fusion equals the rate of neutrino loss, no ship will come. And this is what happens. The online panel starts sounding the alarm. All is lost. No ship will now come to save them.
Some people start to cry. Someone starts cursing, while others get angry and hit everything around. More people gather together and try to hug each other.
"I will get drunk!" says someone.
"Michelle! What the..."
"It doesn't matter anymore. If it wants to get drunk, so be it. Tomorrow there will be no tomorrow".
"I want to get drunk too!"
Some people get insane and start crying, shouting, gesticulating. They are insane.
"I want to confess", says someone.
"I am not a priest", says someone else.
"But there is no priest left in our town. So, I will confess all my sins to you. Please, I want to die with nothing stuck on my heart".
Someone, in desperation, takes a knife and cuts its veins, committing suicide. Another person takes that knife and says:
"I want to die peacefully, not to be burned alive"... and cuts the veins of its hand.
"I don't want to die burned alive", says someone else. "Can someone please kill me?"
"I will", says its best friend, taking a razor.
**********
Some people prepared themselves for this. Deep underground, in former mines, they built enclosed ecosystems to support their food, air and water supply. They watch the clock. They watch how Betelgeuse is fusing its silicon into iron, the last source of energy. Soon, there will be an inert core. For a short time, the core will be heated by a surrounding shell fusing silicon. But when that shell is exhausted, there will be no more energy. The core will further contract, increasing its temperature to five billion degrees... and will collapse. They just hope that they will survive.
In the towns, the last survivals gather together. Some went drunk, some lost their minds, some needed to confess their sins to the others. They gather to the online panels, which are still ringing the alarm. With so much neutrinos flying around, panels are affected. Still, their chronometers show how much time is left and what is going on inside the star.
Seven hours to supernova. The core has exhausted its silicon and is made of iron. The star has an onion-like structure. From the core outside, there is a shell fusing silicon, then one fusing magnesium, one fusing oxygen, one fusing neon, one fusing carbon, one fusing helium and one fusing hydrogen. Each shell is like a window to the past, to the times when Betelgeuse was younger and was fusing something lighter. People just sit one near each other and watch.
Fear has gone. Agony and despair are gone. Anger between people is also gone. They forgot any fight, any conflict, anything. They just sit and wait.
**********
Somewhere nearby, two teens decide to go to a more quiet place. They sit on the grass. This is the last day of their lives... the last hours in fact. They kiss and hug each other. Finally, they decide to make love. It is the first and the last time.
Then, they move to a former railway, which now is abandoned and partially destroyed. they sit on a former bridge.
"There is one last thing I would like", says one of them. "To get married with you".
"But there is no priest", says the other one. "But God listens us anywhere we are".
They decide to ask God personally to marry them. One of them has two rings on two fingers.
"Dear God, please make these rings saint and please unite us forever!"
They take the rings and put them on their fingers.
"Do you want to marry me? With no priest, I have to ask you personally".
"I do. Do you want to marry me?"
"I do".
"Then, we are united forever".
The two lovers sit on the former railway bridge, holding each other. But the time is ticking. They have less then an hour left.
Silicon fusion shell is advancing outwards. The core is made of iron, that is cooling, releasing neutrinos. Tightly squeezed, electrons hit the atoms and merge with protons, forming neutrons and more neutrinos and a larger energy loss. Bombarded with more and more gamma rays, iron atoms break apart, disintegrate into alpha particles (helium nuclei) and free neutrons, absorbing a huge amount of energy and forcing the core to further collapse. Released alpha particles merge with other iron, nickel and zinc atoms, forming heavier elements, only that, this doesn't produce energy, it consumes. The core is tearing its energy apart.
But the sun remains in the sky just as it were. there is no difference. no exterior sign shows what is happening inside.
Only a few minutes...
And then, it happens. Unable to sustain itself, with all its energy drained into neutrino radiation, the core collapses very fast. It takes only a few seconds. There, matter gets so tightly squeezed, that all protons merge with all electrons, forming a mass of neutrons and a huge blow of neutrinos. A neutron star is born from the massive iron core. As pressure and temperature increase, the core cools itself very fast through neutrino radiation. Outer layers try to fall, to fill the gap where the core once was, squeezing as tightly as possible. The core gets surrounded by a massive wall of tightly compressed iron. A wall of iron, so dense that even neutrinos cannot pass through.
In only a few seconds, as the core collapses, Betelgeuse produces more energy then the whole galaxy. Only that, all that energy is released as neutrinos. The iron wall is so tight, that not even neutrinos can pass through. So, they have to lose some of their energy, to push it outwards. It is this massive neutrino emission that actually triggers the supernova. Without this, the star would last much longer, slowly compressing itself into a black hole.
Neutrinos push the inner layers of the star outwards, with an increasing speed. Now, everything will explode. But still, it takes nearly 3 hours for the explosion to reach the surface. But, once the iron wall is broken, neutrinos escape in a massive number.
Two massive jets of heated plasma get out of Betelgeuse through the poles. The surface of the planet is scourged by the extreme heat.
The two lovers smoke together a cigarette, sitting on the railway. They hold each other's hand, enjoying the last seconds of their lives. Suddenly, they feel a massive heat. The neutrino wave has arrived. They hug each other in a long kiss.
Feeling the heat, they hold each other, as strong as their hands allow them. Their last words are:
"I love you!"
"Me too!"
How powerful is a supernova compared to an atomic bomb? At Hiroshima, less then 1 kg of uranium went fission. Imagine that we fill the Sun with plutonium and detonate it. Compared to a supernova, the blast will be like a campfire compared with an erupting volcano (an answer I got from an astrophysicist working for NASA).
In the former town of Fat Cat, the last people wait a rescue ship. The town is in ruins. People gather where once was the central square, near an online panel. There, they see when the last rescue ship will come. The panel displays what is going inside Betelgeuse. Silicon fusion has started. When energy from fusion will counter the neutrino loss, all rescue ships will evacuate the area. Another timer shows how much time is left until supernova. There are 13 people waiting and they lost their patience. After all, this is their last chance to get out of here. No other ship will come.
Max and Melissa are two teens, waiting to get out. Actually, Max is a girl and Melissa is a guy. Cross-dressing is something very common on Betelgeuse VII. This is why people don't use he and she when talking to someone. In fact, they replaced these words with it.
Four minutes left until silicon fusion equals neutrino loss. The rescue ship is visible in the sky, traveling fast, below the clouds. It makes an unexpected stop somewhere. People don't know, but the automated systems found a survival on the way. Three minutes... the ship is back flying, approaching the online panel... Two minutes. Everyone watches how the ship lands and opens its door.
"Get in! Fast!" screams the pilot through a speaker.
People rush to get in. But, suddenly, someone tries to get in with a large bag.
"No cargo allowed! We have limited space!" shouts someone from the inside.
That person starts fighting to get inside with the bag. Other people shout. Finally, someone grabs the bag and throws it away.
Someone else comes with a cat and tries to enter.
"No animals allowed!" shouts the pilot. "We have limited air supply".
Someone grabs the cat and throws it away. The owner shouts and starts hitting people around.
"Faster! The clock is ticking!" shouts the pilot.
Some people get out from the ship, trying to force everyone to stop.
"Ten seconds! Hurry!" shouts the pilot again.
Everyone tries to get inside. Max manages to enter the door. Then, the former owner of the cat, pushes Melissa away, screaming:
"Hercules! I will return!"
"On the fuck you will!" laughs someone.
"When you will, Hercules will be barbecue!"
The door closes. Melissa remains outside. As the door closes, the former cat owner gets half of the body in the way and is sliced by the door. Instant death. Inside, Max screams and goes to the door, trying to open it... but it is impossible. Melissa, on the outside, tries to open. There is no way. The ship starts flying and Melissa remains on the ground.
**********
Each rescue ship is set that, once they detect a strong neutrino signature from silicon fusion, to turn on automated pilot and leave Betelgeuse VII. The pilot cannot do anything, but watch, until the ship is into orbit. The ship starts moving slow, then faster and faster. It reaches the clouds and passes through them. Above them, the sky is clear. Then, it continues to accelerate and escapes the atmosphere.
People go to the small windows, to see their home planet for the last time. The view becomes red, as the ship accelerates through the atmosphere. Then, all the sky is black and red. Red, because of the huge nebula that surrounds Betelgeuse. The star blew a giant plume of plasma through the poles.
The planet remains behind. First, it appears large and surrounded by its endless auroras. Then, everything remains behind. Before, the ship was twitching in the turbulent atmosphere... now, everything seems quiet.
"Good day", sounds a very unclear radio voice. "I am the pilot and we are heading to Betelgeuse S. The ship has resources of food, air and water. You are advised to sit and enjoy the ride".
Then, everyone can see, on one side, the sun. Betelgeuse looks like it did before, with no changes: with bright and dark spots. The star is far from spherical. Strong convection currents create massive bulges, clearly visible. Flares are visible too, adding matter to the vast nebula that surrounds the star.
Max is crying, thinking about Melissa, who is left down there. Many people cry too. They look at the sun, then behind, as their home planet is smaller and smaller. Then, they look scared, as the lights start to blink. There is something. The huge neutrino radiation is affecting the ship and its electronics.
After a few hours, the copilot comes in and selects a few people, including Max, to bring food and water to everyone. Also, because of limited oxygen supply, people are advised to smoke only once at every four hours, at a given signal. The toilettes are in the back and people must learn how to use them. Max has a lot of work to do.
Some people go to sleep, others go talking. Some children are starting to play around. Time passes. Now, the planet is just a bright star left behind. The lights are turned off, but there is some light getting through the small windows inside. Betelgeuse sends its copper-like rays. The ship accelerates at full throttle, but still there is a long way to go, to reach the speed of light and beyond.
Alex goes to sleep, but dreams of Melissa, lost on the planet. there is only one possible shelter: a deep mine, where some people built an enclosed ecosystem that could sustain life. but will they accept Melissa? Will they open the door and allow the elevator to descend? Or will they not?
As time passes, people see their home planet vanishing behind. Now, nothing is visible. To left, people still see Betelgeuse, just where it were and with the same brightness. The radio sounds again, but now nobody can understand anything.
Max takes advantage and goes with some food and water to the pilot and copilot. Inside the cabin, there are a lot of warning signs.
"What is going on?" asks Max.
"The neutrino radiation is too powerful", answers the pilot. "All sensors are scrambled. The autopilot is not working. I am piloting the ship manually".
"Will we make it?"
"I think yes".
"I hope so".
"Max", says the pilot. "I hardly slept a bit in the last four days. We were scanning the whole planet for survivals. Still, there were a few people left on the last stop that we could not save. I am very sorry".
Max cries a bit, but hides its tears from the pilot.
"At least, you could save these people".
Another alarm starts to ring.
"Too many energetic neutrinos", says the pilot. "Look at the data. Betelgeuse is losing more energy through neutrinos in a second then it loses as heat and light in seven days. It is fusing all its remaining silicon in the core".
Max looks at the data and cries, then whispers: "How much time we have left?"
"To supernova? In 6 hours. But we are now at 200 AU from the star. Light needs 26 hours to reach us. So, Betelgeuse has exploded already".
"And on the planet?"
"Betelgeuse VII is at 160 AU from the star, so the light takes 21 minutes to reach. Right now, they are roasted".
Max cries, but this time visible.
"Didn't you hear the radio message? says the pilot. I said that right now, the neutrino wave hits the planet".
"The radio is not working".
"It must be because of the neutrino bombardment", continues the pilot.
"Will it hit us too?"
"Yes, but I hope we will survive".
Max looks scared. The pilot lights a cigarette and gives one to Max too. Then, explains, very calm:
"We are accelerating as fast as we can. This ship reaches the speed of light in five days. Unfortunately, our destination is in that direction... Well, how to tell you so that you will understand... When you look at the sky, you have no idea if a star is closer or further. You only see them separated by an ark, which is measured in degrees. And as seen from the sky of your planet, the destination, Betelgeuse S, is at 78 degrees away from the sun, from Betelgeuse itself. So, we go in a tangential direction. This is why, for the first part of the journey, we did not increase distance to the star. In fact, we first approached a bit and now we are going away".
Max takes a hungry drag of smoke in its lungs, almost digesting it. Then, says:
"Neutrino blast?"
"When the core of Betelgeuse collapses, it releases a giant amount of neutrinos. I just hope that we will survive. Before that, I have to close down all electronics, everything. The hull will be cooled as much as we can. The neutrino light will heat everything. It lasts only ten seconds... but it is the greatest danger of all".
Max takes another deep drag of smoke inside its lungs, thinking about what is to come. The pilot turns on hull cooling devices.
"I hope we can cool the ship to -20 degrees. Please, tell everyone what is going to happen. At 30 seconds before core collapse, I will ring an alarm. Everyone, take off your clothes in the bitter cold. Then, I will manually turn off everything to protect the electronics".
Max gets back and tells everyone what will happen. People are shocked that their planet is already gone and they see nothing yet on the windows. Light and neutrinos travel with the same speed.
Everything in the ship gets cold. In two hours, temperature drops to freezing point. People are shaking of cold and are gathering together, to warm themselves. some start to be agitated and shout. Everything becomes even cooler. Freezing. ice accumulates on the metal walls and on the windows. Some people clean the windows, to see outside. still, Betelgeuse is there, as it were before.
Then, the alarm sounds with three short beeps. And then, silence. Air ventilators stop, the light is turned off, the ship is turned off completely. Seconds pass and everyone watch. Some people take off they clothes fast, while others, too frozen, don't.
Suddenly, everyone feels heat. They are no longer cold. Seconds pass and the heat becomes increasing. too hot for a human body. Max, even if feeling very cold, jumps away from the crowd, feeling an incredible heat in all the body. It all lasts exactly ten seconds. Nearly everyone has grown faint. Max feels very dizzy and hot, like in a cupboard. The metal walls are all hot, only the air is still cool.
"Neutrino blast", whispers Max.
As people start to recover, they see on the windows something new. Two powerful jets of hot plasma escape from the poles of the star. Supernova has started. Max gets fast into the cabin. Both the pilot and copilot have lost consciousness. They are all heated, like having a big fever. Max tries to pull the pilot out and take off its clothes. Outside, the two flares shine very powerful.
A few minutes pass, until the pilot becomes aware of what is going on.
"We have to restart the ship", says the pilot.
"Fast!" shouts Max.
But the copilot is no longer breathing. Dead.
The pilot tries to pull the manual switch, to restart an emergency generator. Nothing is working.
"Push this!" shouts to Max.
There is a manual energy generator. Max rotates a wheel. Some energy is produced, at least to control the main panel. The pilot desperately tries to restart the ship. commands are not working. Nothing works as it should be. The main generator is offline, the auxiliary generator is not working.
"Come on!" shouts the pilot. "Rotate faster!"
Time is ticking. The core collapsed. Supernova started. The two polar flares last only for twenty minutes, then they stop. But the ship refuses to start. Betelgeuse looks again like it did before.
"We have two hours before the explosion hits the outer layers of the star", says the pilot.
An hour pass, without results. then, the pilot turns on a switch, an emergency battery. The command panel receives more energy. Now, time to start the auxiliary generator. That might produce some power, to start the engines finally. But, the battery has limited power.
"Just burn all your power before the supernova hits us!" shouts the pilot, directing all power to restart the generator.
It works. The generator starts... and not receiving enough power, it almost stops. They wait for a minute. Ok, it works! Now, forge the generator at full power, to start the main one. It takes time, minutes... Finally, the main generator is on. Now, to restart the engines.
"One at a time", whispers Max.
"No. All of them, once. If not, we won't make it".
The engines start heating. all is going as planned. Finally, the ship start accelerating again.
"Ah, we are saved!" whispers the pilot, falling back to its chair. "Now, the real blast will not catch us".
Max gets back to where all passengers are waiting, shouting:
"We made it! The engines are back functional!"
The ship accelerates as fast as it can. But, just as Max finishes saying this, everyone can see a powerful light. Supernova has started. The explosion has reached the surface. Now, Betelgeuse is no longer what it were.
"We will close the windows", says the pilot. "There are gamma and X rays outside".
The core collapsed. Surrounding it, there was a very tight shell of iron, that, the neutrino burst pushed strongly outwards. This massive push is what actually blows the star apart. Now, inner parts from the star are getting outside. They are heated to millions, even billions of degrees. At such temperatures, plasma emits nearly all its light in UV, X rays and gamma rays. Light arrives first. Then, come the plasma blast wave. It travels much slower, with 3 to 30% the speed of light. As it advances, the plasma is slowed down by the interstellar environment.
Now, without the massive dose of neutrinos, all electronics and all parts of the ship can operate better. The ship increases speed faster. Behind, there is a massive flare. Betelgeuse is literally ripped apart. Huge chinks of matter are blown away. Outside the ship, the walls are reaching melting temperature... but the ship is getting away faster and faster. This time, it is on automated pilot.
One more day and the ship reaches 60% of the speed of light. The supernova is raging behind, but now, the distance is greater. Time gets shorter. Finally, the ship reaches light speed. The engines curve space-time, to travel with a speed above that of the light. Now, everyone is safe. In the pilot cabin, Max can see how the blast is decreasing... and Betelgeuse is seen as before the explosion. And finally, the ship reaches its destination, Betelgeuse S.
From there, the star, Betelgeuse, appears bright red. Even if it exploded, it will take ten Earth years to see this happening. Here, everything looks so calm.
**********
The door closes. Melissa is trapped outside, with a few other people, trying to open the door. But it is no use. The ship departs. Someone grabs the door... and falls from a hundred meters high. And just as the ship departs, the online panel starts beeping its alarm. Silicon fusion overwhelmed neutrino loss.
People scream, curse and cry. But Melissa knows there is only one way out. At about 74 km away, there is a former mine. Down there, some people tried to build a closed ecosystem, where they could survive. It is the only way out. No time to lose. There are no vehicles moving on the planet. The only way there is by foot.
So, Melissa does not lose a second and starts walking. Soon comes the night. But, on Betelgeuse VII, even night is not dark. Strong auroras illuminate the land. It is not hard to see your way around. After only 10 km, its legs are starting to hurt. After 20, it is painful... but there is no time to cry. Even worse, it starts to rain. After 30 km, Melissa reaches another town, Pink Marvel. There, the online panel rings its alarm and shows how much time is left. After 40 km, its feet start to accommodate with the endless effort. 50 km and there is an orchard of oranges. Time for a pause, to eat something. But, after this, the feet are hurting even more. Morning comes. 60 km... a massive pain. Melissa feels very tired, hardly walking.
"At least Max is safe".
70 km... and the mountains are visible. The former road is still visible, climbing. Come on! Then, at noon, the entrance is visible. Melissa gets to the gate that lets inside the mine. It is closed. Twenty hours have passed. There still is time. Tired, Melissa sits near the door and falls asleep. Then, someone comes.
"You!" shouts that person.
"Please let me in!"
"Show me your weapons!"
"I have nothing!"
That person opens the gate. Melissa can hardly walk. They get into an elevator, then travel 4 km down. A few people get around.
"Who is it?" asks someone.
"I don't know, I found it at the gate".
"It looks very tired. Where do you come?"
"From Fat Cat", whispers Melissa. "Thank you for letting me in".
Knowing that the sun will explode, people built apartments inside the old mine. They also grow plants for food. Using devices from a crushed spaceship and whatever they could salvage from the former mining equipment, they built a geothermal power plant. they have light and food. Probably, they will be locked away from the world forever.
Melissa eats something and falls asleep. It wakes-up just an hour before supernova. People also have a timer inside. They wait... Minutes pass. When they have only one minute, they close all equipment, lighting a small torch. Everybody gets close and starts to prey. If only the neutrino blast will pass away... 30 seconds... 20... 10...
Then, the cavern becomes illuminated in blue. They feel a powerful heat. The walls are heating, but not too much. They are lucky. In other parts, the neutrino blast burned people alive.
They sit for an hour like this, praying to survive. Finally, someone turns on the power plant. There is light again. Soon, outside, the supernova starts. Temperatures rise to 20000 degrees C and even higher. But deep here, everyone is safe... for now.
Can a planet survive supernova? Yes, if it is far away from its star. Close planets will not have a chance. The whole mass of Betelgeuse is blown away, with speeds that vary between 3 and 30% the speed of light. Given the distance to Betelgeuse VII, the blast will reach it in 3 days and will keep on scourging the planet for 30 days. Simple math shows that, during these 30 days, each square meter of the planet will be bombarded by 500 kg of very hot plasma, at extreme speed. This is by far enough to destroy anything on the surface. First, the atmosphere is blown, then the oceans and everything on ground. Then, the ground itself, is heated, liquefied and vaporized, blown away by the powerful blow of the explosion. No supernova is homogenous. A planet can be more lucky and find a gap, while another planet can be completely liquefied and eroded this way. At least, things don't go like in sci-fi movies, where planets explode. No. They are eroded, layer by layer, until the liquid magma is exposed, which is removed much more easy.
Inside their home, Melissa and the others cannot see anything outside. The first days come without any problems. The crust is holding on. But, as time pass, they feel quakes. The walls are shaking and making some noise. It is clear that a significant part of the crust is being eroded. People can only wait and hope. After twenty days, quakes are more frequent. the ground seems never to stop shaking and the noise never ends. The planet is affected by the fact that Betelgeuse is no more. Both the planet and the star were connected by gravity. Now, since that gravity is gone, the crust tries to find a new equilibrium.
After 30 days, it should be over. There still are quakes. Nobody knows what is outside, but it is clear that they made it. Now, they might be stuck forever here, beneath the surface. Outside, lava are solidifying, as the last blow from the supernova is moving away. Once, Melissa and the others were at 4 km beneath surface. But now, they are only 50 meters below. Much of the crust was eroded. Still, outside, radiations are very strong, from the nebula that supernova left behind.
Max and Melissa are both alive, but separated... maybe forever. Betelgeuse had exploded, but its children survive.
TO BE CONTINUED
The beginning of the end is the end of the beginning (unknown philosopher).
The whole world witnessed it. A red supergiant star, Betelgeuse, exploded in a supernova. That star had only one terraformed planet, Betelgeuse VII. 96% of the population was rescued and relocated to a sister planet, Betelgeuse S, located at ten light years away. Press in the whole galaxy commented about this event.
Many planets ask for interstellar help only for a budget deficit. But here, a whole rescue operation, was done alone. The former dictator of Betelgeuse VII, Caligula XIII, came with this plan, to secretly terraform a new planet, boost its economy and then rescue the whole population before supernova. With 161 million refugees, the population increased nearly a hundred times. At first, refugees took nothing with them. They depended on food rations to survive. But even from that moment, they started to work the allocated land and to build small factories. It took only five Earth years until poverty was almost absent. At that moment, Betelgeuse S opened its doors for immigration. Many transgender people or people from rare sexual minorities started to come.
The founder of Betelgeuse VII colony, Caligula I, wanted this planet to be a paradise for transgender people and people from rare sexual minorities. And even if his former planet was hit by the supernova blast, his dreamed paradise continues to exist on another planet. Even more, with the population continuing to increase, people are planning to terraform other planets in the Betelgeuse S system.
**********
On Betelgeuse S, body transformation technology has reached an incredible level. Many people came there, from the whole world, to transform their bodies. Many willed to change gender. With DNA transformation technology and with organs grown in vitro, such an intervention is now very easy. Many people changed from male to female or from female to male... but later wanted to change back. In response, technicians developed the hermaphrodite S chromosome. From now on, people could be at the same time men and women. But, manipulating the human DNA, up to the point where you change entire chromosomes, has risks. These risks were not well studied at first.
The unusual society that started to form on Betelgeuse VII, became mature on Betelgeuse S.
The way people talk here is strange for many outsiders. First of all, since cross-dressing is very common and the population is a mixture of cis and trans people with many hermaphrodites, it is sometimes very hard to find out the real gender of a person. This is why, people here replaced words he and she with it.
For these people, the terms husband and wife are replaced with partner. Also, children refer as mother to the person that gave birth... but in many cases, things are strange. So, even children refer to both mother and father as parent. But, for an outsider, mother can be a man, be it a person who changed gender or a female or herm that cross-dresses as a man. More complicated is in case of hermaphrodite parents, which can get pregnant with their own semen. In this case, children can have a single parent. Even more, other terms that outsiders are so familiar, here can have very different meanings. If you have a hermaphrodite brother, how would you call it? Also, if your brother cross-dresses into a girl (or even undergoes surgery to become a girl), would you call it a brother or a sister? Here, people prefer the term sis for what outsiders call a brother or a sister. The term brother is used for members of a cult or for very close friends. The term sister, on the other hand, is used by those who are in love. In a family, parents call each other sisters.
Also, it is important to note that on the identity cards, people don't have names, but just a personal identification number. People often change their names at their own will. No gender is specified, too. For an outsider, this would create severe problems, but here, everyone knows well its identification number.
**********
On Betelgeuse S, a family was formed, between a hermaphrodite and a castrato (former castrated slave brought from UV Ceti). The castrato also undergone surgery with cloned organs, to become a hermaphrodite. They made four children. Scientists expected the children to also be hermaphrodites. In part, it was right. Only in part. However, each child was more a boy or more a girl. The case was carefully studied. In the end, scientists concluded that the problem was more complex. Two of the children had a hormonal disequilibrium, while with the other two, their organisms lacked the receptors for some hormones.
Starting with the age of 10, parents try to find out what gender would their children like to have and what is their sexual orientation. Things are not clear at that age, but it is important to see the path each child wants to go. Each of the four children had their own desire and each one chosen its path. However, among them, there is a different one, which did not made its mind up to the age of 13. This child is a hermaphrodite that looks almost completely like a girl. Its penis did not grow at all and remained very small.
The child was amazed by a series of cartoons, in which, a small girl appeared. It is a version of Cinderella adapted for Betelgeuse VII. The child was more interested in stopping its growth then in choosing a certain gender. Because of this, someone gave it the nickname Piccolina and Piccolina remained its name.
Then, alone in its room, Piccolina watched a documentary about genders: males, females, hermaphrodites and so on. At some point, appeared a shemale, a person that completely looks like a woman but has male genitals.
"Wow! This is what I want to be!" said Piccolina.
Its parents agreed and decided to see what can be done. The technology is advanced enough to do this. So, they used a complex DNA manipulating technology, hormonal treatment and surgery with organs grown in vitro. Piccolina got its dream. From now on, it will have a functional penis with testicles, like men do, will look completely like a woman (except from the bulge sometimes visible while wearing tight pants or leggings) and its height will never grow above its present high, of 1.47 meters.
When Piccolina was 15 Earth years old, Betelgeuse S became habitable and rescue operations started. The little shemale participated active in the rescue and resettle operations, helping relocated people to find their way. At 16, Betelgeuse gone supernova and the last survivals came in. This had a very strong impact on its life. Piccolina loves to listen to their stories. Many, before they came here, suffered of starvation, attacked by bands lurking for food or in towns ruled by maniacs. Many suffered so much. People tell horrible stories. Even cannibalism occurred in some cases.
What is important when you have a large number of people coming in, is to motivate them to do something, to become part of the economy. And Piccolina is the best to do this, convincing people to start a business or to work something.
Piccolina itself started a business: to connect people, to build a site where people can exchange goods, find or ask for a job, even find a partner. The business proved to be a great success.
On Betelgeuse VII, each town had a name and a sheriff to deal with local problems. In rest, all towns were basically the same. On Betelgeuse S, things are far more different. Each town has its sheriff, which acts like a mayor and a judge at the same time, elected by the people. However, people have the right to define many things regarding their town.
There are places where certain types of people live. When terraforming started, the dictator chosen to purchase and use slaves from UV Ceti. Majority of those slaves were castrato people. Even if, by far, their lives here were not as one would expect from slavery, the dictator promised them that, once terraforming is finished, they will have their own villages. This is exactly what happened. Also, many women from the UV Ceti, grown in the body farms to make children, escaped to here. They requested to have their own towns. Also, there are towns where people work in agriculture and towns where factories employ most people. Some rescued people from Betelgeuse VII, that came from certain towns, requested to stay together. Even some of the many sexual minorities requested their own towns.
With such a multitude of themed and non-themed towns, the need for a guide appeared. But who can do this? Who can make such a work without making discrimination? Surprisingly, the only person that did this, is Piccolina. Each town has its own online page, with detailed descriptions of what one would find there. Based on certain key points, Piccolina managed to create its own algorithm. For each town, there will be several ratings, each for a different criteria, with a note from 0 to 10.
For example, the ability to settle in a certain town. A rating of 0 means there is no way to move there, while a rating of 10, means that you will receive a free home. Now, between 0 and 10 are many values. To get this rating, Piccolina has to get some information: Is land available for a home? Do the local people want newcomers? Are they opened for people of other types then they are? What restrictions do exist (for example, related to clothing)? Is this a themed place?
In the end, Piccolina made an encyclopedia of the entire planet. For each town, there are 10 different ratings, all with values from 0 to 10. Then, by clicking on each of the ten ratings, people can see details. This encyclopedia shows that Betelgeuse S is one of the most diverse planets in the galaxy. In other parts, there are themed places, built by a megacorporation, made for an ethnic group or created around a certain theme. There, one will se no or almost no difference, by applying these ratings. Even the Pleiades Empire, with all its over 100 terraformed planets, is by far very uniform compared to Betelgeuse S.
One rating that became the most popular and widely discussed is erotic rating. A value of 0 would define a place like a strict monastery, while a value of 10 is associated to a place where public sex and nudity are rules. The lowest rank a town got is 0.3, while the highest is 9.7. Still, the vast majority remained around 3.
Now, using this encyclopedia, everyone can chose what town to go. And even more, there are people willing to build their own towns, based on their own principles. But, more interestingly, there are people who like to have two or more homes in different towns, to live a double life.
**********
Seven years have passed since Betelgeuse exploded. It is the year 3084 and Piccolina is now 22, young and a very energetic figure. It is very known by many and highly adaptable to each place. Most of the time, Piccolina sits in its home, working on its computer, but many times, it travels, visiting the so many and so different towns.
But how does Piccolina look like? A short woman, a bit fat. Its hair is long and brown. It wears a knee-long yellow dress, with demi-opaque stockings, transparent shoes with high heels, has long yellow nails and many bracelets. Everyone can see weird symbols and inscriptions from other languages, written with red on the arms, chicks and breast. One more thing: Piccolina is a chain smoker, smoking almost non-stop.
Many tried, but nobody could get into a relationship with Piccolina. Quite nobody. The young shemale refuses anyone and can even become aggressive when forced. Some said that it might be a sfenist... but sfenists don't behave like this. They like to get into a relationship and feel happy and pleased as long as things don't go to sex.
There are people who watch the little shemale, which, after creating the encyclopedia of all towns, became a celebrity. Paparazzi are interested in such a young figure. But, just as they often do, they don't notice the important things. Often, they commented that Piccolina wears no pants underneath. With a hidden camera, they managed to film under its dress and proven that it is a shemale. Even more, paparazzi are more interested if a bulge is visible in front of its dress.
However, the biggest scandal is yet to come...
There is a town, with the number 19548. The locals decided to call that town Onan. And that town is a very interesting place. It has an erotic rating of 8.1. There, people are allowed to masturbate in any place. Public sex is forbidden, allowed only behind closed doors. Also, public nudity is allowed only in some circumstances.
Piccolina arrives to Onan in its flying car and stops the car to explore. Buildings are like in majority of towns. However, very soon, the difference is visible. Piccolina arrives to the central square. There, people are talking and enjoying something. But, some of them are masturbating, face in face with the others. Some have male organs, some have female organs, while others are hermaphrodites. There, Piccolina takes a sit, lights a cigarette, rolls up its dress and exposes its erected penis. Then, masturbates in front of everyone, just like its is normal for that town.
After this, Piccolina is on the news. Asked about this, it answers:
"I am not in love with anyone. I love myself. What I did, is something that, people in Onan find very normal and natural".
Then, asked again, it answers:
"Our planet has an incredible diversity and was built for this, to be a home for the most diverse people, for those who are rejected by others in other places of the galaxy. It should be a shame on you that you judge me for what I am and what I did".
**********
On Betelgeuse S, there is almost eternal day. The planet rotates around its axis a bit slower then it rotates around the star. Because of this, a day-night cycle lasts over 200 Earth years. Basically, this means that, for a person living all its life in a town, there will be like an eternal day, with the sun fixed in the same place on the sky. And people live only on the illuminated hemisphere of the planet. On the dark side, there are only few mining and industrial towns.
Since there is an endless day, people always see the sky as it is. However, there is one visible star: Betelgeuse. Even if it exploded, the light had not the time to reach Betelgeuse S. It appears as a very dim, copper-red star on the sky. And because the planet orbits around its sun in about ten Earth days, Betelgeuse is always seen moving on the sky. Not other star is visible.
On the dark hemisphere, things are different... but there, no plants can grow and it is very cold too. Still, people come to the dark hemisphere from time to time, They come, to see Betelgeuse, which, there, appears as a very bright, red-orange star, far brighter then all the stars combined. The star died... but the light hadn't got the time to reach here.
Survivals remember very well the last years spent on Betelgeuse VII. It was like living with a sword above your head. They remember how the sun undergone neon fusion, then oxygen fusion, magnesium fusion and finally silicon fusion was approaching. They remember the massive flare that occurred once magnesium fusion started. And as time passed, in 3087, they could see it from here. Well, not the flare itself, but a massive increase in brightness.
Then comes the supernova. Betelgeuse becomes far more brighter then before and blue. The light almost equals that of the red dwarf sun that heats and lights Betelgeuse S. This heats the planet, causing massive storms and hurricanes. Also, the strong X and gamma rays affect the ozone layer. Well, not to the point where this can destroy life here, but it certainly does affect life and people.
Nobody complains about the bright light, break in the ozone layer and huge storms. In fact, people gather and watch the star that destroyed their home planet.
From this distance, the supernova is like the song of a swan. It is said that swans, when they die, they sing the most beautiful song human ears can hear.
In 600 years, people on Earth will see the supernova, which will be visible during day time and will be as luminous as half of a full moon.
Then, after about 30 Earth days, light from the supernova dims gradually, becoming red and finally vanishing from the sky forever. Betelgeuse is gone. The swan has sang its last song.
**********
After people on Betelgeuse S see the supernova, Piccolina decides to do something. Using mass-media, the shemale, now aged 26, tries to send a manned expedition to see what is left there. Many people agree. Piccolina advises people that such a mission has two advantages. Firstly, nobody must forget its origins and there started everything. Secondly, a supernova produces a high amount of heavy elements, which could be mined there, giving the mission an economic reason. The explosion produced a nebula, that, by now, should be rarefied enough to allow ships to travel. Also, there is a small chance that someone might have survived on the planet... if the planet itself actually survived.
A star as Betelgeuse, when explodes, creates a vast nebula that expands through the space with tremendous speed. But the star itself does not vanish completely. It lets a corpse behind: a neutron star, made of highly compressed matter. The neutron star, made almost completely of neutrons, is in fact the former iron core that collapsed when it could no longer produce energy to survive.
Can a planet survive a supernova? Well, it depends. Certainly, planets don't explode like in sci-fi movies. The blast actually is a very hot and very fast wind of matter, that heats the planet surface, melts the crust and blows it away. Also, a supernova nebula is not homogenous. in some parts, it has gaps, while in others, it is far denser. In case of a gas giant, it will be stripped by its gaseous envelope, revealing the solid core... but the core is very hot and will become liquid or even gaseous when you remove the atmosphere. It all depends on many things. If the planet has a thick enough crust... or if that planet is lucky enough to fit in a gap, it might survive.
There is also another problem. Betelgeuse was huge and heavy, weighting about 22 solar masses. The neutron star which forms is far lighter, weighing only 10% of the initial star. That means far less gravity. So, planets will move far away from the star. Majority will be ejected into interstellar space, but a few will remain orbiting, very far away and on highly elliptical orbits. But still, the neutron star will have its own movement, in a different direction then the star had. Will a planet still orbit the neutron star? Yes, if the star will slightly change orbit and come closer to the planet.
Still, there is another thing, which is more amazing. Planets can form from a supernova. It is possible that the last amounts of matter ejected by the blast will not have enough speed and will form a ring of debris around the neutron star. From this matter, planets can be formed. Well, they need a lot of time to do this... but for now, there could be dust made of heavy and rare elements, very useful for the industry.
But, the main question that everyone is asking is the following one: Did Betelgeuse VII survived? And if it did, is there any chance that someone can still be living there?
Piccolina is the one sent to find out the answers.
Every death creates the seeds of a new life (from an Ecology manual).
Once, Betelgeuse VII was a paradise for transgender people and rare sexual minorities, with a booming economy. Now, the planet Betelgeuse S is even a better paradise. The Free State Of Betelgeuse owns both planets and their solar systems. Betelgeuse exploded in a powerful supernova. From the only inhabited planet, Betelgeuse VII, nearly everyone was resettled to a new planet, located at ten light years away. Ten years have passed... and everyone watched the supernova from a safe distance. Now, they want to see if anything survived from their former planet. Could there still be survivals?
It is the year 3088. A reconnaissance and rescue mission is on its way. Chief of the mission is Piccolina, a former hermaphrodite who decided to become a shemale. Also, Delta or Caligula XVIII, the last dictator from the Caligula dynasty, wants to take part of this historical event. Delta is a former man who transformed itself into a hermaphrodite, very old and hardly walking. In 3090, Delta will resign and elections will follow. A new dictator will be elected for a period of five Earth years.
The rescue mission consists of a large ship, shielded against radiation, with ten smaller ships stationed in its hull. The large ship has very powerful sensors and a lot of tasks to do. The voyage of ten light years is done in 15 Earth days. The crew numbers 100 people.
Once the ship arrives, everyone wakes-up from cryogenic sleep. Piccolina gets first into the pilot cabin, then waits for everyone to come.
"Are we safe?" asks Piccolina, lighting a cigarette.
"Radiations are very high, but the ship will hold", answers a pilot.
"Is this the place? I mean, I see no star".
Piccolina takes another drag from its cigarette, then watches the data. The whole area is surrounded by a nebula. Ejected material from the supernova is spreading. It is slowly glowing in blue. Alexa, a hermaphrodite who likes to dress as a woman, is in charge with the observations of plasma and dust environment.
"Very interesting", says Alexa. "We are, after all, the first spaceship to visit a supernova remnant".
"What says the data?" asks again Piccolina, taking another drag of smoke.
"Well", says Alexa, "I see very unusual data. We were flying through the nebula. There are many radioactive elements which naturally don't exist. They decay fast. And we see many useful elements. There are high amounts of technetium, which naturally don't exist, as well as other metals... and mainly, their radioactive isotopes. And as I can see, there are rare earths and even uranium. A dust mining operation certainly will be profitable".
"I see", whispers Piccolina, taking two fast and short inhales of smoke. "I hoped to see forming planets".
"Not so fast", says Gamma, a person who doesn't give much information of its identity and is the chief of planetary study. "It will take millennia for some asteroids or even planets to form from what the supernova left around us. And as yet, we haven't pick up the location of the neutron star. Please wait for my telescope to scan the sky".
Piccolina is nervous and smokes two cigarettes, one after the other, while more data is being collected. The infrared telescope scans all the sky, looking for possible planets.
"Once we locate the neutron star and notice its movement, we can determine where other planets should be", says Gamma. "And once we know where they could be, we can use the narrow angle telescope to find them".
"We need to find Betelgeuse VII", says Piccolina, almost chewing the smoke.
"Calm down", says Delta, just entering the cabin. "Think that people here waited so much. We can wait so little until our sensors detect the planet. I waited my entire life for this".
They have to wait. Finally, the neutron star is located. It is far away from where Betelgeuse was. The neutron star is very small (13 km in diameter), weights incredibly much (about two solar masses) and has a very powerful gravity. It is also very hot, close to 100 thousand degrees K on the surface and it emits deadly blows of X and gamma rays. This is the corpse of Betelgeuse, the remnant of what once the star was. It is almost completely made of neutrons. When Betelgeuse ran out of fuel, the core collapsed into this tiny sphere, releasing a giant amount of energy, which caused the whole star to explode.
But the explosion pushed the neutron star on a slightly different trajectory. Gamma calculates where all the planets should be right now... if they still exist. Surprisingly, Betelgeuse VII seems to be the only one still orbiting, because the neutron star moved in its direction. All other planets are on an ejection trajectory.
"Betelgeuse I no longer exists", says Gamma.
That planet was very close and it didn't have any chance at all.
"Betelgeuse II also no longer exists!"
That was a gas giant, feeding itself with plasma ejected by the star. The supernova blew away all its gas layers, then the inner core.
"I never imagined Betelgeuse II will parish", says Alexa, also lighting a cigarette.
"Betelgeuse III located!" says Gamma. "It is a fireball and its diameter is reduced to half".
"It had 6000 km in diameter", says Piccolina, with a cigarette in the mouth. "I don't think that anyone survived on Betelgeuse VII".
"Betelgeuse IV... I see something, but it is hard to guess", says Alexa.
"What is it?" asks Delta, very patient.
"I see three fireballs. The planet disintegrated and... I don't know how, but its hot nucleus remained, while the mantle formed two moons".
"Fuck!" curses Alexa, almost falling its cigarette down.
"Betelgeuse V located... and looks surprisingly well", says Gamma. "Let me do a spectroscopic scan, because I don't believe this".
Piccolina lights another cigarette, looking at the data. The planet had a diameter of 9500 km, now it has 8200. It was almost completely made of water ice. Now, it appears to be covered by a global ocean.
"I need a break", says Gamma, lighting a cigarette too. "A water planet survived. It makes no sense to me".
"It depends if the planet was lucky enough to fit into a gap of the explosion or to be hit by a more powerful plume", says Alexa.
"I know, but... my brain refuses to accept. Well, Betelgeuse VI didn't make it", says Gamma. "I see nothing left where it should be".
"That planet had a diameter of 7000 km and it was bare rock!" says Piccolina, very nervous, knowing what planet will be next.
"Betelgeuse VII, located!" shouts Gamma.
"Is it ok?" asks Piccolina, blowing smoke while speaking.
"It appears so..." comments Alexa, looking at the data.
"It appears to have the same diameter and to be relatively cold", says Gamma. "This is a miracle. And don't forget that it is the only planet still orbiting the neutron star".
"Maybe someone survived", whispers Delta.
"Betelgeuse VIII located", comments Gamma. "Also this planet appears to be ok, only with a little ocean of lava. But the rest of the crust appears to be cold and solid".
"When Betelgeuse was younger", says Delta, "these planets formed its Kuiper Belt. Temperatures were below -200 C there. But, when the sun became a red supergiant, temperature rose to water melting point".
"Betelgeuse IX, not located", says Gamma. "I see small fireballs, less then 1000 km in diameter. The planet broke apart".
"The sun devoured all its inner planets when it became a red supergiant", continues Delta. "Only two planets survived and the Kuiper Belt".
"Betelgeuse X located", says Gamma. "It is a fireball".
"Now", continues Delta, "these planets will cool down and freeze in the extreme interstellar cold. They will probably roam forever in the galaxy".
"Betelgeuse XI detected", continues Gamma. "It appears to be a very hot ocean world".
"Now, for the last planet", whispers Alexa, taking the last drag of smoke. "It was so far away, that temperatures never climbed above -100 degrees C".
"Betelgeuse XII located", says Gamma. "But, it lost half of its diameter. Only its rocky core remained".
With this data, they go to Betelgeuse VII, hoping to find something. As they arrive, they notice the planet is covered with a layer of dust of a few meters thick. This dust is made of calcium magnesium, sodium, aluminum and iron, mixed with many metals heavier then iron. Also, it is highly radioactive.
Nothing from the former Geography remained. Quite nothing. The planet is unrecognizable. There are no mountain ranges, no oceans, nothing. Just an endless plain, perfectly flat. The supernova eroded about 4 km of the crust.
"Let's get to work, people!" says Piccolina.
If there are any survivals, they certainly are located somewhere underground. Most of mines were not so deep, at maximum two km below the surface. People that went there had no chance. Only very deep mines have survived. But since there are no remnants of the former Geography, how could anyone know where the former mines should be? They have a high detail digital map of the planet... but where to start? They know where the poles are, also they locate the magnetic poles, which shouldn't change their positions too much. That is good enough. Finally, they add the map over a fast magnetic scan and locate where saviors should be.
Piccolina takes the radio and announces everyone from the rescue teams, designating search areas. All the ships will detach and scan the surface, looking for possible signs of human presence. Every human body produces a bioenergy field, which is very faint, but can be detected with powerful instruments. The ISA, which supports the rights of any former settlers, insists that any newly annexed planet should be previously scanned with bioenergy sensors. Any newly annexed planet, without this scan, will not be recognized.
A few painful hours follow. Rescue ships scan the planet. Then, a ship responds via radio:
"This is Savior 3, I am picking up a signal. Four people seem to be here at 50 meters below ground. I am proceeding to build a well".
Each ship has the capability to dig a vertical tunnel, insulated, then to build a small landing base there.
"This is Savior 6, I located a big community. I think there are a thousand or so. At 200 meters beneath surface. I am building a well".
"This is Savior 7, reporting. I see signs of activity on the surface. There is a colony not deep beneath. A few hundred survivals located".
"This is Savior 1, I detect a hundred people at 1000 meters beneath surface. Proceeding to build a well".
Messages keep coming. There still are people here. They survived the supernova. The scan continues for days, until the entire surface is charted, but the only survivals are located within the first hours, where deep mines were. Overall, there are 137000 people still alive, located in 465 different places. It is a miracle. These people managed to survive the impossible.
The largest group numbers 1341 people. They settled in a mine that was 4 km deep... and now it is only a few meters below surface. They built a small base on the surface and started to extend their caverns.
Once the sky was illuminated by the copper-red star Betelgeuse. Now, only a very dim, pulsating light, arrives here, carrying deadly doses of gamma and X rays. The pink sky now is black. The forests and the oceans are long gone. Now, all what remained is a black, hard crust, made of solidified rocks, covered with a thick layer of radioactive dust.
**********
The mission returns with a big success. From now on, ships for passengers and cargo will travel every day between the two planets, while new underground towns will form on Betelgeuse VII, attracted by the mineral-rich dust, which could support a powerful industry. Some people will return to Betelgeuse VII, even if, by far, the place does not look like it did before. Also, some survivals will go to Betelgeuse S, after their relatives that they have long been separated from.
This story might have been influenced by my husband's strong interest in astronomy. One day, he showed me the star Betelgeuse on the sky, telling me that soon it will explode. After a few days, I had a dream, about a future human colony there. The dream repeated over and over, almost in every night, each time with new details and with other aspects. Then, after nearly a month, I could no longer take it and I decided to write. Almost everything in this story comes from there. Only small details, like the names of some characters, are added.
One might ask: Why did I mix so many rare sexual minorities, cross-dressers, transgender people and hermaphrodites in this story? Why is a cis-woman so interested in such subjects? Well, here is the answer. Yes, all this mixture was in my dream, but it is not only this. Me and my husband are what I like to call 'soul transgender'. Many told me that I have the soul of a man in the body of a woman... while he has the soul of a woman in the body of a man.
The way 'Love & Supernova' is wrote, is not what one would expect from a female writer. Usually, women are attracted by soaps, by love stories and more personal things, not by astronomy, politics, violence and sci-fi books. This is a prove that I am a woman with a man soul. The same can be said about my husband. We never had the courage to go to the extremes, like public cross-dressing, not to mention the use of hormones, surgery or implants. Anyway, in the place where we live, this would be quite impossible.
The abundance of rare sexual minorities comes from something personal: we both are sfenists. Everyone tried to force us back into the 'normal' population, to get married against our will and have an active sexual life. It is a miracle that we found each other and made the family we wanted to. The only people who understood us, are people from other sexual minorities and also transgender people. We have a big respect and support for them.
The Love & Supernova series have a secret message: that people like me (belonging to rare sexual minorities) and people like you (transgender people) are not inferior to anyone. As one can see, in the series, people of Betelgeuse VII are facing the most horrible danger of all: a supernova. Despite this, they manage to find a solution, without asking for interstellar help or requesting asylum. They manage their own economy and their own destiny. By comparison, today, we see states that ask for international aid, only to finance their internal debt.
Many 'normal' people (as they consider themselves) discriminate those they see 'not normal'. There are places in the world, including where I live, where gay people are murdered. Transgender people are not killed, but strongly discriminated and forced to leave. We, sfenists, have a better life, but still... we prefer to hide. Yet, if you apply a test of intelligence, you notice that we are not inferior or mentally ill. We are just different.
Why do some people hate us so much? I tried to find an answer. They associate us all (classic or rare sexual minorities and transgender people) with extreme porn. Well, in many situations, this is not the case, especially for me, as a sfenist. Nearly everything I wrote in Love & Supernova feels well under general audience. I imagined a place where we could live a peaceful life. How would that society look like? Just like in my dreams. People will practice cross-dressing on the street without any problem. There will not be a porn hole of hell, but a society very similar to ours, except for the barriers that discriminate us. Then, children born in this environment, will take their own decisions. Influenced by their parents, they will build the hermaphrodite race, willing to belong to both sexes at the same time. Diversity will strike at a level we can only imagine. But, it will still not be the return of Sodom and Gomorrah. It will be a complex, unique society.
I've seen this world in my dreams, getting formed, passing the most difficult problems that could exist and reaching maturity. Well, I am not a prophet, so don't expect that humans will settle on Betelgeuse around the years 3000.
I just hope that, one day, the world I dreamed almost every night for three months, will exist somewhere.
**********
Thank you to all who supported me, corrected me, explained me the proper TG terminology and who helped me write this material.
Thank you to all Big Closet Top Shelf staff, who generously hosts the Love And Supernova series and many unique and impressive works.
Special thanks to my family, who strongly supported (and even forced me) to write.
P.S. I released the Love & Supernova series, together with my other series The Legends and Smoke And Pantyhose into public domain. This automatically means that anyone can copy and post them. You can even publish them on another site, even sell them as they are or in a different version. You can use them as a source of inspiration. Everyone can copy all my texts or parts of, post them anywhere as they are or modified versions and even sell them. The only thing that you CANNOT do, is to have author rights. This is not possible, under any circumstances. If you know what public domain means, you got the point.
May you all be happy!
Ana Imfinity
Visitor 1: "I am born a woman but I find so natural doing men activities, like repairing cars and reading sci-fi novels. I think I am a man in a woman's body".
Professor: "You feel like this because you WERE a man in your last life".
Visitor 2: "I am born as a guy, but I don't find to be myself wearing men clothes. I feel comfortable and natural wearing dresses and high heels. Why?"
Professor: "Because you WERE a woman in your last life, but now, you chosen the wrong body".
Reincarnation theory suggests that, before coming to this life, many of us experienced at least one other life on Earth. Some people are against this theory, while others accept it. Both come with many scientific proves. But what if it is true? What if we are not for the first time here on Earth? People which support reincarnation, come with many arguments, like sessions of hypnosis, deja vu and many others. It is proven that in most cases people reincarnate with the same gender. A documented case is a man which had over 20 reincarnations since ancient Greece to modern USA, all as men.
But what happens when a soul changes gender?
In documented cases of reincarnation, it was proven that some physical characteristics are common, like facial details. Also, there are common behaviors between present and last reincarnation. But what will happen if the soul changes gender? What if you were, for example, a woman, but this time, you are born as a man? Elements from your past life will influence your present one.
"The first time I walked on high heels, I was walking like I always did" said a cross-dresser. How could that be?
What if some trans people actually had a different gender in their last life?
There are many questions that need to be answered:
What will be the next life of a trans person?
Where souls stay between reincarnations?
What is the purpose of our existence?
Is there a 'start' and an 'end' in the succession of lives?
Unlike the classic approach, I try to look at reincarnation from a different point of view, which can, somehow, be compatible with other religions, like Islam, Christianity and ancient beliefs. Could the concepts of haven and hell coexist with the concept of reincarnation? I think it is possible up to a limit, if you take a specific approach.
In the following chapters, we will follow the lives of two teens. At the beginning, one is a girl and one is a boy, but things will change soon. The action takes place in future, around the year 2500. The society is different, with a much more advanced technology and an ideology completely different from what we see today. Both characters discover that they lived in and around our times. Both discover unexpected things about their past... and the future of all mankind. But will people accept them and their memories from past lives?
Some parts are written from a character's point of view, while some parts are written from narrator's point of view.
Some parts fell easy under 'general' audience level, while others need to be ranked 'adult'. The story contains some teasing scenes and fetishes. There are many smoking scenes. So, if you don't tolerate smoking, it's better to avoid reading this story.
The whole story is fiction, but it is well documented. However, since different authors have different points of view about reincarnation theory, I took my own approach to the subject.
I know you even if you don't know. We were together since the dawn of time. It's always been like this (quote from a song).
Caution: smoking scenes
We are in the year 2536. The world is completely changed. Earth is left behind, badly polluted, with its economy collapsed and with endless wars. Many planets and satellites are terraformed and inhabited, with a booming economy. They became new, independent states, since 2450. Humans are now spreading even beyond the Solar System. The most important thing has become human life. All new states are fighting to attract new settlers, to increase their population and boost their economies.
Many students from Earth are offered free access to universities throughout the Solar System. But, going there, means that you close all connections to your parents and everyone else on Earth. Usually, children don't want to go, but their parents force them, to have a better life on the New Worlds. This is exactly what happened to our two heroes, Julia and David. They had good marks and were offered free places at the Galileo university on Callisto, Jupiter. Forced by their parents against their own will, both children had to accept.
Life in Jupiter Federation is different from life on Earth. Low gravity affects you. The air is always wet, the sky is cloudy. The Sun barely shines. It is never hot and never cold. But the major difference for a newcomer is to break all connections to the past. It is hard, almost impossible, to send or receive something from Earth, because Earth is under embargo, caused by endless wars there. Most children suffer from depression and try to isolate themselves. They follow a hermit life: school, eating room, then back to their rooms. Each student has its own room, which increases the isolation of each one. But, behind closed doors, each one creates its own world.
What happened to Julia and David. They spent the first year getting average marks at school and avoiding to spend time with other children. At that time, they had no idea one about the existence of the other. The first time, they met in the second year. Until then, they avoided to talk with others. How they met and how they became close friends, let's ask them:
Julia's story
When I arrived here, I found myself like in a working camp for robots. Each one was following its own route, nobody cared about anyone else. I was hitting people on the way, as they walked like if they were remote controlled. It was impossible for me to make friends. There were many colleagues from Earth which were looking on how to steal something from you. Local children were looking for parties. Cloned children were all looking the same. Some guys were looking after me, trying to sleep with me. So, I said to myself: "Focus, Julia! Keep distance from all of them and follow your own road!" So, I ended-up with a simple life, looking like this: school, eating room, home. Nothing else. My world was in my room. There, I could be anything I wanted. Some guys had too much testosterone. I always avoided them.
Then came the day I found this guy. He was a guy at that time, later he changed gender, just as I changed too. That day, for unknown reasons, I did not go to the eating room. After school, I remained on a bench in the park. I was sitting there. I can remember to this day that I was thinking about Earth and the world I left behind, about my parents and my neighbors. Two girls asked me to come with them for a walk in the park. I refused.
When... David, as he was called at that time, came, I don't remember. He was sitting on another bench in front of me. I could see that he was sometimes looking at me, always hiding his eyes from mine. I also felt like I knew him. But how could that be possible? There was no way for me to know him. What got my attention were his gestures. He was holding his hands together, just like a woman. I said to myself that it is impossible for me to know him. Again,what got my attention to him, was his hair. He had a long, dark brown hair, painted, not natural. As he was hiding his eyes from me, I noticed he was playing with his hair, like a woman.
Then, I made a small noise and he looked at me. Our eyes met and he smiled. I smiled too. He tried to say something and I invited him to sit on the bench near me. Don't ask me why. I just did. It was like I found an old friend, even if I never seen him before.
Then, he offered me a cigarette. I accepted, even if at that time I didn't smoke. I've seen other students learning to smoke, how they cough and sometimes get tears in their eyes. Not for me. I smoked naturally, like if I smoked before.
Something told me that I can trust him. So, we started to talk. We talked for hours, until we could no longer speak. Our throats were not used to talk much. I remember even to this day what we were talking. It was not about school or where we are from, it was about anything else. Until then, I never accepted to talk more then a few words with anyone on Callisto.
At some point, colleagues came and seen me. I remember a girl saying:
"Oh my gosh! Julia is with a guy! How could that be possible?"
"She is smoking!" said a guy, hitting his face with his hands, like not believing this is happening.
We decided to meet tomorrow too. It was tomorrow when we found out that we both came from Earth and we both are in the second grade, but at different profiles. Much more shocked were my classmates. They asked me to smoke in front of them, so they could believe I am with someone. The world believed we were in love, but in fact, it was different. It was a strong friendship, but only a platonic relation.
David's Story
You ask me how I found Julia? First thing, I need to tell you how I was feeling at that time. When I arrived to Callisto, I felt into a big depression. Suddenly, I was alone, away from my parents and friends. It was very crowded, but I was feeling so lonely. That depression made me isolate myself. Classmates were laughing at me, because I never wanted to hangout with them. A bully even used to hit me. One day, someone dropped eggs in my hair. At that time, I discovered that I felt much more comfortable in the skin of a woman. I had good marks at school, but in the rest, everyone avoided me and I avoided to talk with anyone.
From school, I always went directly to eating room and then to my room. I avoided at all possible staying outside.
At that day, I felt the need to stop on a bench in the park. I don't know why. I always avoided the park and its jerks. Julia was just in front of me. I don't remember how she got there or if she came before or after me. She was sitting there, in front of me. At first, I did not bother to look at her. Why should I? There are many girls at the University. Seducing a girl, was something I never tried since I left Earth. I thought it would be quite impossible.
So, I avoided her, until I've seen her feet. She had sandals, low, flat sandals. Her toenails were painted with a demi-opaque light pink color, which got my attention. It is true that sometimes I used to look from distance at girls, but I never tried to enter in contact with one of them. But this time, it was like if I've seen these toes before. I was fighting with my self-defense instinct, which was shouting at me: "Leave this place! Get back to your room!" There was another force which was pushing me to stay and watch her.
As I was watching her feet, trying at all costs to avoid getting her attention, she popped a bubble of gum. I noticed before she was chewing gum and making bubbles, but this time, the noise made me look directly to her. In any other case, I would turn back and go, but this time, I didn't. Instead, she smiled and I smiled to her.
There was something familiar about her. It was like I knew her, even if it was impossible. But still, my conservation instinct wanted me to leave. How could I solve the problem? I tried to give her something. The only thing I had, was a pack of cigarettes. Nobody at school knew at that time that I smoke. Even my parents on Earth never found out about this. So, I gave her a cigarette and she accepted it. At that time, I had no idea that she was not a smoker.
This is how it all started. Then, we talked for hours. We started a conversation about sandals and gum chewing, then we talked about quite everything. I remember the next day, colleagues laughing at me and saying:
"Hey, that dork was trying to seduce a girl. Can you believe it?"
"Leave her, she is not for you. Your only girlfriend will be your right hand".
Narrator speaking
The two became close friends from that day. Even if in the eyes of the others it appeared that they were in love, in reality it was a very strong friendship and nothing more. Years passed and they remained close friends.
**********
At the University, both were at different profiles. They decided to join a psychology club in order to spend some time together. It was not a class they enjoyed, they did it only to be together more time. And at some point, their professor started talking about reincarnations.
Their professor is an aged man, with much experience, which passed the retiring age.
A student: "I went on a vacation to Saturn and when I visited its rings, I had the feeling I've been there before. Could it be that I went there in another life?"
Professor: "Could be. But you must be sure it really is a memory from another life and not something from your sub-consciousness. It happens many times that we associate something we've seen early, even in our childhood, with something we see today".
Another student: "I went to a hypnosis session and I revealed I was the reincarnation of an old king from the 1500's".
Professor: "I don't say that it is not possible, but you should be cautious. Many people during hypnosis reveal that they were important leaders, scientists, artists or great priests. This cannot be possible. Most of us were average humans".
First student: "How can that be possible? People don't lie during hypnosis!"
Professor: "I believe the explanation is another one. Some events get into a collective database, which can be accessed by everyone in a sub-consciousness state. I strongly recommend people to avoid hypnosis to see their past lives and get connected to a supercomputer, which analyses all neural activity. There, you can separate interferences and memories from this life".
Third student: "But it is very expensive".
Professor: "I know, but it is the best way to know the truth".
A fourth student: "What will happen if we meet someone in this life, who we met in another life? How would we know?"
Professor: "You will know. Be sure of this. It is like you knew the other person. Souls tend to reincarnate in bulks, so that our best friends were also our friends before. Sometimes, after they've seen each other only once, two people become close friends, while other times they are neighbors and don't talk one with each other for years".
Second student: "Like these two (pointing at Julia and David), they've seen each other and formed a couple".
Professor: "Like them. It is highly possible. And there is something else, that people don't speak often about. Between lives, souls stay in another world, where many things happen. Sometimes, before coming to our world, they set reference points, so that they will meet one with the other. And this is just what happens. Reference points are somewhere in our sub-consciousness written. We don't remember them, but we do as they tell us. For example, a man told a woman to wear a big necklace in the first day they will meet and this is just how it happened. Both set many agreements so that they will meet each other".
After the class, both Julia and David came to the professor, to ask more about this subject. He answered:
"What you describe is a sign that you both knew each other before. I strongly believe that you (pointing to David) asked her to wear sandals and make a bubble of gum the first day you will meet. And you (pointing to Julia) asked David to play with his hair and to give you a cigarette. All happened before you went to the world, in the world of souls. But I don't know for sure. Nobody knows. Even supercomputers sometimes come with a margin of errors. Well, Nick, my assistant, is working on a PHD about life between reincarnations. I will arrange a meeting with you and him, tomorrow. If you want, our supercomputer will analyze you both and you will know what happened. All for free".
They all agree. Reading your past lives with a supercomputer costs about five salaries. It takes only ten minutes, but it can reveal more information then a thousand hypnosis sessions.
Loneliness is the key to discover your true self (quote from a hermit).
Caution: smoking scenes
A lonely person evolves different from someone who lives with many others. It doesn't require to be a hermit on top of a mountain. You can live a lonely life in a crowded city. While the mainstream population is influenced by others, a lonely person develops a different personality, strongly influenced by its own self. Elements from a past life are far more easy to discover at lonely people.
It is Friday noon at the Galileo university on Callisto, Jupiter. Classes end-up early this day. Many students, looking for fun, rush to finish what they are doing, to get enough time for a party. Most teachers go home. In the weekend, usually only students that are from other planets remain around... and they know it is their time to have fun. Not the same can be said about our two heroes, David and Julia. This evening, their psychology teacher will connect them to a supercomputer to reveal their past lives.
The two finish their last class, then meet in the park, on the bench where they met the first time. David wears a white coat, with grey trousers and grey shoes. His long brown, painted hair, gives him somehow a feminine look, even if his clothes are those of a man. Julia wears a white, knee-long dress, with a white sweater. Even if it's a bit cold and the air is wet, she wears her sandals, with no pantyhose and no socks on.
In the 2500's, there is a major difference between men and women clothes. Women clothes are elastic, they copy the form of your body. Many call them 'elastic membranes'. They are made of a material similar to what was used in the 2000's for leggings and tights. Some are translucent, some are completely opaque. Girls use to layer translucent clothes for their hands and feet, with opaque ones that cover intimate areas. Even skirts and dresses are elastic. To keep them in place, they are fixed on the feet with laces. This comes with a big advantage. Depending on where you want to fix your laces, higher or lower on your feet, you can make your dress longer or shorter.
Men clothes are not elastic and are more baggy. They don't copy the form of your body and are never translucent. Unlike in the 2000's, men do wear skirts. This became a common trend after humans colonized the warm Mercury and Venus, where settlers encountered high temperature variations. However, men skirts are never elastic. Also, men copied the fashion to paint their hair and nails. It is no longer like in the 2000's, when women used to have long hair and men short hair. In the 2500's, men have a more voluminous hair then women, while women use to fix their hair in a ponytail.
They sit on the bench and light a cigarette. Julia found smoking to be so natural for her, like if she smoked before. It only took a week until she found out that she is hooked. After taking the first drag from her cigarette, she says:
"I am sure that I smoked in my past life. Many colleagues needed weeks, even months to start. For me, it was all so natural, like if I did before".
"Do you believe the theory of reincarnation?" asks David. "I am skeptic about it".
"Why?" asks Julia, with her cigarette between her lips.
"First of all, most people who were hypnotized, said they were kings, big priests, scientists or military leaders. I don't believe that. I think, if it is true that we reincarnate, that most of us were just average people, as we are today".
"Yes, that is a good argument", replies Julia, looking how David plays with his hair.
"Secondly, I completed a few times an online quiz", says David, looking at Julia's feet. "They gave me different results, all of them saying that I was a man who knows where, in places I have no connection with".
"Is that the reason why you don't believe?"
David takes a deep inhale from his cigarette, still looking at Julia's feet, then speaks, mixing words with smoke:
"If I had a past life, I think I was a woman. But, as far as I know, souls follow the same gender as they reincarnate".
These words make Julia so surprised, that she almost coughs as she takes a new drag of smoke.
"A woman?" she says. "Why?"
"You know that bully?" says David.
"Yes. Why?"
"He says that I am gay. But I am not. I feel no attraction to guys at all. He says that I move like a sissy".
Julia smiles, then says:
"Yes, you move like a sissy. I noticed from the first time. The way you keep your hands together, the way you keep your cigarette, the way you walk. When you walk the stairs, you move like a woman wearing shoes with heels".
David looks shocked and a bit disappointed.
"Maybe you were a woman in your last life", says Julia, looking at her cigarette, which is almost finished. "Did you ever find attraction to women clothes? Like the desire to wear them?"
David looks down. He has the face of a thief trying to hide his capture.
"Please, don't hide anything from me", says Julia. "I did not hide anything from you, ever".
"Yes", says David. "I did, when I was on Earth. I did wear women clothes, candid in my room".
Julia looks at him, thinking for a while, then she decides to light another cigarette. She gives David one too.
"You?" asks David.
"I don't know", says Julia. "I feel comfortable both in men and women clothes. Maybe I were a hermaphrodite".
They both laugh at this, like at a good joke.
"You never identified something at you that might belong to the other gender?" asks David.
"Well, once, I did. My brother used to watch porn on our computer. One day, he forgot it on and I took a look at what he was watching. There, I found a shemale. She was a woman in all aspects, only that she had a penis. I thought 'Wow, I would like to be like that'. Her image remained in my memories for almost an year. I opened the computer many times in secret, to see more. Well, when I found out that most shemales are actually men, I stopped".
"Maybe you were a shemale", says David with a smile.
"Maybe, or maybe not", answers Julia, with a sad voice. "I play with a shemale character in VirtualLife".
"You play in VirtualLife?" asks David amazed. "I play too".
"Let me guess", says Julia, with a smile. "With a woman avatar?"
"Yes. Her name is Diana".
The two laugh a bit, as they light a new cigarette. Two guys come. One of them looks at David and says:
"Hey buddy, you know Monday we have a test. Help me!"
"No problem, George", answers David. "Just sit behind me and copy what I write. I won't let you down".
"Just be careful with those cigarettes, you two! You will burn the whole University!" answers the other guy, as they are leaving.
"Believe me", says George to the other guy, "these two weirdos will blow the world. Newton, Einstein, Lawrence, Campman and Amsir were all weirdos and boxing bags for bullies in school".
"What a fuck?" says the other guy. "These two dorks? I can tie their guts on the roof if they cause any trouble. Better this way then to have another idiot to learn about".
"So please be gentle while I crush the sky!" says George, laughing.
**********
When time comes, David and Julia go to the Psychology sector. There, their professor with his assistant, Nick, are waiting them. Outside, it is getting windy. Dark clouds are starting to be seen and soon it starts raining. This is an atmospheric cooling effect, which occurs on planets and moons far from the Sun. A cold mass of air passes through the greenhouse layer, cooling the lower atmosphere and creating a big storm. Temperatures will fall dramatically, then, for 10 to 20 days, the sky will be clear blue.
As they arrive, it is already raining and very cold. Julia is shaking, both of emotions and of cold, as her feet are getting wet. David gives her a cigarette to gain some courage. Lightning covers the sky, which became dark.
The professor appears and invites them inside. It is a room full with equipment, computers, 3D diagrams, screens and lots of glowing wires. Inside, there are four seats like those used by dentists for their patients, only that they have cuffs for hands and feet. On one chair is a girl, connected to a lot of wires and sensors. Nick, the assistant, appears from behind. He is a black man, with a shiny black coat on.
"At last!" he says, shaking his hands, as thunders disturb the silence. "Please, take a seat, both of you. Our supercomputer will reveal your past lives with an accuracy of 97%. It will only take ten minutes. Take your shoes off and uncover your abdomens!"
Without a question, they take a seat. Nick himself removes David's shoes and exposes his belly. When he comes to Julia, he does not take off her sandals. Then, Nick adds a lot of sensors to their fingers and toes, to their abdomens and puts a helmet on their heads, covering both hair and faces.
"Who is she?" asks the professor, looking at the woman occupying a seat.
"She is Alessandra, my girlfriend", says Nick. I try to heal her brain, you know her problem".
"Ah, ok", says the professor. "Are all sensors and connectors in position?"
"Yes", says Nick.
"Good. Then, turn it on!" says the professor, approaching to the two. "You will lose consciousness for ten minutes, then feel some sort of amnesia for a while. Don't worry, this machinery will extract all possible data. When I went in, I got over 500 pages of results".
"I turn it on!" says Nick, pushing a big button.
The next second, both Julia and David fall like in a deep sleep. The many screens and 3D diagrams start to show a lot of data. But, unknown to the Professor, Nick tries to steal some knowledge from the two, to help his girlfriend pass the exams. Well, this takes only ten seconds to happen and Alessandra wakes-up.
"Filtering sub-consciousness interferences on!" says Nick. "Residual knowledge blocked. Connections with universal database blocked. What we get now, should only be data from before their birth".
On a screen, data starts to appear. Each past life is counted. The computer checks with historical databases, to see if those people really existed. Data does match 95%. The last reincarnations appear on display. Many more past lives are revealed.
Suddenly, other data appears. This is from between reincarnations, from the world of souls.
"This is unbelievable!" says the professor. "These two spent more time there then anyone else! I wonder why".
"Professor, look!" says Nick, looking at other data. "They've always been together. It appears that in every life they found each other. Or if not, they never chosen anyone".
"Wow! This is the best proof that souls reincarnate in bulks!"
The list of their past lives is now visible. The computer shows name and gender.
"Surprisingly", says the professor, "most people follow a strict gender line. Men reincarnate as men, women as women. But look at this! Gender: male, gender: female, gender: female, then again, gender: male. And look at this! Gender: ERROR!"
That error was Julia's last life. Other errors appear too.
"Transgender people?" asks the professor.
"Could be", answers Nick.
"I am amazed! It is the first time when I find this! Let's try to get more data. It will take weeks to study all this".
"My PHD thesis will be brilliant!" smiles Nick, looking at all the monitors.
The process should last only 10 minutes, but after half an hour, both are still inside. The computer gathers less and less info each time. Many memories from past lives are revealed and not only.
In this time, Alessandra unties herself from the chair and gets to the door, to smoke a cigarette. Anywhere in the Solar System, including the Jupiter federation, states fight against alcohol and drugs. Since 2473, all political leaders concluded that they must leave an addiction available for people, in order to counter consumption of more dangerous drugs. So, they disabled the smoking ban, in a desperate attempts to stop consumption of other, more dangerous substances.
Alessandra listens how the professor and Nick are talking. She knows Julia, as she is in the same class. She hates Julia and all library rats.
"Look!" says the professor. "He was a graduate in Geology, one of the best students in 2000's and she graduated the railway university two years later! Two hundred years later, they were also good students! I see them in 2300's, in a protest against alcohol".
For Alessandra, this is enough. She hates good students, mostly library rats and book grinders. And more then everything, she is an alcohol addict. She hates Julia even more, since Julia is in the same class.
"Last time, you did not whisper me anything, bitch!" mumbles Alessandra. "I failed an exam because of you. Time to die, you, whore!"
The professor moves to a small screen, where he can see how all data is compressed into a big folder. Nick goes to the door to light a cigarette and says:
"Alessandra, when you see a red message on the screen, saying 'complete', push the big red button, to release these two".
"Right!" answers Alessandra, with a big smile.
In fact, she pushes the command named 'consciousness insertion'. She knows well what this does. It inserts data to the brain. This is how she copied at her exams many times, with the help of a student who went here. But, inserting too much data in a brain, in the consciousness part, can fry all synapses.
"Die, bitch!" she whispers. "Just die!"
Suddenly, David and Julia start twitching on their chairs, even moaning. And when Nick comes, he calls the professor immediately.
"Look!" Nick says. "We passed the soul firewall! Data is downloading even faster and with more accuracy then ever! Their souls are not opposing resistance at all!"
"This is impossible!", says the professor. "Somehow, their consciousness and sub-consciousness parts of the brain are now connected. I am afraid they will remember their past lives just like current life. It happened once".
"Yes, with Lisa. But she died a week later".
The computer then starts to beep an alarm. Data processing is too fast. It cannot work like this. One after another, all screens start beeping alarms.
"Stop the process!" says the professor.
Nick hurries to stop the devices. The whole supercomputer is blocked. Too much information received in a few seconds... and their souls are pumping more and more data out. Screens are displaying Cyrillic letters now. All alarms are ringing and all screens show images that were never seen. Images, memories from their lives. A lake, a mountain, a war, a kiss, all random. Nick watches scared, desperately trying to command the machinery to stop. Alessandra is out, smoking another cigarette and laughing.
Then, the main supercomputer is on fire. Screens crash, 3D screens explode and one second later the building is off power.
Nick looks scared, not knowing what to do. Alessandra leaves the building, laughing. The professor checks their necks for pulse.
"Don't look at me, call a doctor!" says the professor. "They are still alive... I hope".
While Nick hurries to the university medical center, the professor takes all sensors off, trying to release the two. He fights to carry them out of the room which is now on fire. All data was lost.
**********
Ten days later, Julia and David wake-up in the medical center. They are perfectly healthy, but not remembering anything. They feel like only a second passed.
Later, things will change and they will discover things they never imagined.
When the truth is too hard to accept, it waits you until you are ready to receive it (a wise man).
Caution: smoking scenes, isolated erotic scenes
Two years passed since Julia and David tried to reveal their past lives with the help of a supercomputer. In that day, the computer exploded, being unable to work with so many data that their souls were uploading into the system. The professor explained that each soul has some sort of firewall, which protects memories from past lives to be revealed. Once you completely break the firewall, a soul should operate much better then the most powerful supercomputer ever created.
And this is just what happened. Unfortunately, all data was lost. David and Julia survived and completely recovered, after ten days of coma in the university hospital. The professor told them all he remembered: that they've been always together, in almost all their past lives and that they changed genders many times in past. He also shown them that many times the computer could not determine their genders, sending an error message.
Many of their colleagues concluded that the computer crashed because David and Julia were the 'errors', something the machinery was not made to deal with. So, they both started to be nicknamed 'error' by their classmates.
Nevertheless, their friendship got stronger by the day. It was a very powerful friendship, but nothing more then a platonic relationship.
Now, they are in the fourth year, approaching the fifth, final year at Galileo university on Callisto, Jupiter. The year is 2538.
David is a guy, but he has many girly elements in his behavior. His gestures, the way he moves, the way he walks, are all similar to what one would expect for a woman. Because of this, before he found Julia, many bullies at school said that David was gay or a sissy.
He also has an attraction for women clothes. Back on Earth, he used to wear them candid, when he was alone at home. He wanted to buy some women clothes and to wear them candid too, here, in his room, but he never had the courage. First of all, he thought that if any guy will find out, they will make fun of him. Secondly, since he was with Julia, he thought that she will be disappointed to hear about this.
**********
One day, they are walking together on a street, after school. Julia sees a shop and wants to enter. They both go inside. There are many clothing items. Julia looks after some textures that can be uploaded on her outfit.
In the 2500's, most clothes are electronic and can emulate various textures. You just upload a texture or design it with an electronic pencil if you know how. She is wearing an elastic blouse-pants. Most women clothes come like this, they are made of a single part, elastic and able to copy the whole shape of the body. Because they are elastic, they are designed to be fixed with small laces. You can make your sleeves longer or shorter. Also, you can make them cover more or less of your feet. She chosen to have longer sleeves, but to fix the 'pants' part just below her knees. She also wears sandals, exposing her toes.
Julia looks at various textures, then choses one. She connects the plug-in of her cloth to the vendor machine, pays and uploads the new texture. In a few seconds, her blouse-pants changes color to the new design, white and with colored flowers on it.
"How do I look?" she asks David.
But David is looking at an all-in-one, very concentrated. Julia realizes this. She comes to David and says:
"Are you ok?"
"I think I were a woman in my past life", says David.
Julia sees the all-in-one items, exposed in a vending machine. She thinks for a moment, then says:
"I don't like the all-in-one, it completely covers your feet, including your toes. I like to feel the air through my toes".
David keeps looking at the all-in-one and says:
"I worn one, once, on Earth".
"I know", says Julia. "You told me".
"And I felt so comfortable, like I always did".
"Do you want to wear one again?" asks Julia, very serious.
"I don't know", answers David. "Yes, I would like, but... only when I am alone, in my room".
"That would be funny", answers Julia with a smile.
"To be honest", continues David, "I always wanted to buy one, but I was afraid that someone will see me. I've been a boxing sac for too many bullies".
Julia gets to the vending machine and pays for one.
"Here you are!"
**********
An all-in-one is a complete outfit made by a single cloth, for women. It is elastic. When you open it from its box, you have the impression it will only fit a baby. It is somehow similar to what was known in the 2000's as zentai or bodystockings, only that it lets your head and hands uncovered. It is completely opaque and also has a skirt, part of the same piece of cloth. For the feet, the part that touches the ground, a stronger material is used, so that you can walk without shoes.
The sleeves have small laces, which allows you to fix them higher or lower, exposing more or less of your arms. Another lace is at the neck, which allows you to fix the costume upper or lower. The last laces are fixing the skirt to your feet. Without them, the skirt will tend to rise too high. The most elastic part is the skirt, which can be stretched down to your ankles. It is so elastic that when you stand, it copies the form of your feet, but it allows you to walk without any problem.
When you put them on, you squeeze yourself in through the neck, first getting your feet in. Then, after you fix your feet inside, you continue with your stomach and all the way up. The last to get in, are your hands. If you need to go to the bathroom, the costume can be opened at your crotch. However, you can squeeze yourself out only through the neck.
David's story
How was it the first time I worn an all-in-one? It was an amazing feeling. I was looking at me and touching my body, thinking that I look so close to a woman. I remember that I had an erection, as I usually had when wearing women's clothes. It was a great feeling. I used to sleep with them on. My parents never found out. Early in the morning, I used to take it off, before changing to my normal clothes. The all-in-one has all you need to become a woman.
But this time, it was different. I took the box, then go to my room. I put it into a bag, so that other students will not see it. I was afraid that a bully might try to look inside, take it and then make fun of me. But none of these happened. I managed to go to my room without interacting with anyone.
I entered my room and locked the door. I felt so much tension, that I could feel my heart pumping like wild. I could hear my blood rushing in my whole body.
After I checked that nobody could see me through the window, I decided to undress and put on the all-in-one. I was very anxious, carefully listening to neighbors. In another room, music was playing. Students listen music all the time. From time to time, someone passed on the corridor.
"Well", I said to myself, "it is now or never".
So, I took all my clothes off. Completely naked, I started to put the all-in-one on. First the feet, then rise it up over my stomach, then over my chest, all the way to my neck. Then I squeeze my hands in. Finally, I tie the laces. I fix the skirt just above my knees.
Since no texture was uploaded to it yet, it was all black. But even so, I could not stop looking at myself. Women clothes are so soft compared to men clothes! It feels awesome. I kept looking at my feet, at my skirt, at my hands, how they all looked, covered with the elastic membrane.
I was rubbing one foot to the other, feeling the soft material. My hands were touching all my body, from chest to stomach. Then, I moved my hands below, touching the skirt. Suddenly, I tried to push the skirt up. It is impossible, because it is fixed on the feet with laces. Instead, I started to touch my knees.
Then, I lighted a cigarette, still thinking about how wonderful it feels and looks. I wish I were a girl, I wish I could walk with these clothes on the street.
I watched how smoke was getting into the room. It is good to open the window, or all my clothes will start to smell. So, I went to the window and opened it. From here, you can see the parking area, where many students have their hovering cars stationed. Other buildings are in front, at some distance. I moved back, to sit on the bed.
Then, suddenly, some memories started to appear in front of my eyes. I see myself as a woman. I am wearing a fur sweater. I am in my home, a wooden house. I have breasts, I feel them. Even more, I see myself wearing black, opaque tights under a knee-long skirt. I have no shoes. I see myself in the kitchen, cooking something. I see all through my eyes, but I realize it is an older woman, in her 40's or so. On a wall, it's an electronic clock. On another, it is a calendar. An Orthodox calendar, showing all saints. It is written with Cyrillic letters. The third wall hosts an icon, while the fourth wall holds a painting of me and my husband, at our wedding.
But who is the husband? I remember him. He is not completely a man, but a cross-dresser. He is... a past reincarnation of Julia! I remember. He was a man, but I did not let him to completely cross the gender barrier. I allowed him to dress as a woman, but not to go to surgery or to take hormones. I see him! He is dressed just like a woman, wearing fake breasts. He also wears a skirt and sheer pantyhose, with sandals. They are white sandals, just as Julia wears today. He looks like a woman in all aspects, only that he is a man. He has a penis. I am a woman in all aspects, born as a woman and I lived all that life as a woman.
Then, I see us both, sitting at a table. We eat, then we smoke. Outside, the sun is shining, but there still is snow. It is cold outside. We are watching TV while smoking. Everything is written with Cyrillic letters.
I remember us kissing, even making love.
But what is really shocking, is that I remember all, like it was yesterday. I can see all my past life, from when I was a little girl in school, to the moment we died of old age. I realized that we both were smokers. We smoked all that life, from a young age to the last days of our lives.
So, I was married with Julia, only that I was the woman and she was the man!
My cigarette is out. I light a new one. I look at my feet, covered with the black, opaque all-in-one. Then, I see for a few seconds another life. We are in the 2200's and we both are women, close friends. We are in a desert. I also remember both smoking. This time, everything is written in Arabic, all around us.
"For the holly name of Allah, what is in your mind?" says Julia, in Arabic.
"Women have rights!" I answer. "Where do you see in the Holly Book that women are to be sold?" I answer in the same language.
I was a Muslim? How is that possible? And how that I understand what I am saying? I never learned Arabic at all. But now, I see me as a Muslim woman, fighting for the rights of women in an Islamic state. Shocking!
Then, I run back to the past life where everything was written in Cyrillic. It was in the 2300's. I focus a bit and remember the name of the state we lived in: Ural East. It was in Siberia, not far from the Ob river. That was our last life. We had two children, two boys.
I see memories from another past life, in the 2000's. It was in the mountains, in an isolated village. Again, I am the woman and Julia is a man, which becomes a cross-dresser. And again, we are smoking together. I almost killed Julia... I mean, the man she were, because she did not want to start smoking. Even before, I see ourselves in the 1800's. This time, I was a man and she a woman. We survived one of the bloodiest events on Earth. And again, I find ourselves smoking.
But most of all, I see memories from the last past life, from the 2300's, from the state of Ural East. It was a life full with romance. We were such a powerful couple! Our children grew, got married and left the Earth to Mars and Venus, which were recently terraformed.
What an united couple we were! I remember Julia's kisses. He had two names, an official male name and an unofficial female name, which people called her on: Boris and Daria.
Now, I realize something. When I was little, I used to look on Earth maps exactly to where Ural East was. Now, that country is divided into two smaller ones. I loved to read about its history. There, in my free time, I used to knit... and in this life, once I found myself knitting, without anyone explaining me how to do it.
One last memory comes into my mind, I remember Julia (I mean Boris - Daria) saying:
"My god! It will be snowing tomorrow!"
Then, he said to a neighbor:
"You better stay here with us. Sandra will make you a hot cup of tea".
Sandra?
Now, I remember. My name was Sandra.
"My name is Sandra", I say with a loud voice.
Hope nobody heard me. Music is still playing in a nearby room. I hear someone walking on the corridor. Nobody heard.
Narrator speaking
The next day, they meet again, after classes, in the park. As they light a cigarette, as usual, David starts saying:
"You won't believe what happened to me".
"What?" asks Julia.
"I've seen our last life. We were on Earth, in the 2300's. I remembered very well. It all started after I put the all-in-one on me. I could see us together. I was a woman. I was right, I were a woman in our last life. We were married and had two boys".
"You did see us? But how?"
"I don't know how. Now, I cannot see, but once I put the all-in-one on me. I could see it all. I could see three past lives, in the 2300's, in the 2200's and in 2000's. We were always together. As a family twice and once as two sisters".
"And you were a woman?" says Julia, almost falling her cigarette from her hand. "That means I were a man".
"Not quite", answers David. "You were a cross-dresser. I remember it very well. And you also had white sandals on. We lived on Earth in Ural East".
"Do you see anything now?"
"Now? No. Once I took off the all-in-one, I could remember nothing. But I also remember something. My name is Sandra! Or, at least, was..."
"And my name?" asks Julia, surprised.
"You had two names. Boris as an official name and Daria as a woman nickname".
"Daria?" says Julia, amazed. "Daria was the first name of my avatar on VirtualWorld".
"Yes, we've been together many times. I don't know more. Maybe we were friends, a couple, maybe even parent and child. We went through many common places".
Julia looks at David, with a very puzzled face. Then, she looks at her cigarette and says:
"Was I also smoking?"
"Yes".
"And I was a cross-dresser, not a shemale".
"Well, you could pass as a shemale. You had fake breasts glued on and you were dressed exactly like a woman".
"And a penis", says Julia, thinking about the whole picture.
"Yes", answers David. "I don't want to be rude, but I remembered how we even made love together".
"Wow!" says Julia, with a big smile. "We had sex in another life? Well, in the 2300's it was still a common practice. Today, people prefer mutual masturbation instead".
"I don't lie to you! I've seen it, like it happened yesterday, only that it was 200 years ago".
"Why can't I see this too?" whispers Julia. "It must be related to your all-in-one. This opened your hidden knowledge".
"You need something similar", says David.
"Men clothes?" asks Julia. "If I were a cross-dresser, I used to wear women clothes".
"I think I know what you need".
"What?"
"A penis".
Julia twitches when she hears that.
"But how? I am a girl".
"A strap-on, I guess".
"I know what it is, but how can I get one?"
"You got me an all-in-one, I will get you a strap-on".
David takes Julia to a sex shop. They never had the courage to enter there before, but now, together, they get in. David orders one, which costs just as much as the all-in-one did.
Julia's story
I took the box containing the strap-on. I placed it into a black bag, so that others will not see me. Then, I went to my room. Honestly, I was very skeptical about this. In part, I didn't believe David that he remembered his past life and he was Sandra. Why Ural East? Is he trying to seduce me? Is he trying to push our platonic relation into something else?
After I got to my room, I did my homework, then I decided to put on the strap-on. This is something I long wanted, to have a penis. But to imagine myself as a reincarnation of a cross-dresser, this is too much. I thought that it was all my fantasy.
The strap-on has a belt that needs to be attached around your body and has a fake penis, that can be made to grow or shrink. My clothes are not made for this. So, I took off my blouse-pants and put on a dress. I arranged the strap-on in position, then fixed the skirt with its lashes on my feet, a bit higher then my knees. In the same time, I opened my computer and turned on VirtualWorld. My avatar was there, a shemale. I was looking both at me and at my avatar. There was a bulge beneath my dress.
I pushed a small button and it started to grow in size. I could see the bulge growing under my dress. I moved one hand beneath the dress, touching it.
Should I masturbate it, just as my avatar did so many times? Something tells me not to. But why not? I changed position of my lashes, so that the skirt became much smaller and the fake penis was in part visible. My feet were also visible, with my white sandals and my toes. For a moment, I thought how David was looking at my toenails the first time.
Maybe I were a cross-dresser. Why not? Even if, for a girl, to have a bulge under her skirt, is unnatural, I feel comfortable. It is like I've seen this before. I light a cigarette. With one hand I hold the cig, while with the other one, I play with the strap-on.
Then, I turn the computer off and I sit on the bed.
Suddenly, I see some memories. I see myself a bit taller then I am, wearing a red dress and smoking a cigarette. I am in a wooden house. I am dressed like a woman, but... Oh no! I have a penis beneath the dress! And I have fake breasts, glued on the skin!
As I look around, it is a day of summer. The sun is shining outside. More and more memories are getting in my mind. We have two children, Ivan and Vladimir. And we are married! David is a woman, a woman in all aspects.
How that he married me, a cross-dresser?
And it is true, David was Sandra!
I remember a day when we were in the forest. David, I mean Sandra, was sitting near a lake and we were smoking. I also had white sandals like I wear now, but with pantyhose on. He, I mean she, both me a necklace. Oh mine! And we did have sex together. We were a family. We were a family in the Siberian tundra.
I remember the long, cold and windy nights. Once, we worked a whole day to make a path through snow. At that time, we had a visitor that had to remain four days in our house, until he could live, because of the snow.
It all looks so real, just like memories from current life. Only that, they are 200 years old.
Could I see more? Further? The whole life appears in front of my eyes: how we met, how we lived together and how we died, very old. We were such a strong couple, that other people were shocked to see.
Suddenly, I see more. It was in the 2300's. I see us both in a desert town. We were two Muslim women, close friends. Again, I see us smoking, this time a narguile. I ran away from my husband, which was very violent. We fought for the rights of women in Islam... and soon after that, we got killed. Again, David was near me, but at that time he was called Aisha and was a woman.
I return to the last life, with me as a cross-dresser and he as a woman. It was such a lovely and colorful life! So many details come to my mind. We had flowers in our house. We had a hovering car parked in front, but even so, it got stuck in the snow one winter. After that, David - Sandra placed an icon in the car, to protect us.
I remember even parts of our discussions or times I talked with my parents. I remember them too! Surprisingly, I remember their language and the Cyrillic alphabet very well. That should be impossible, since there was no way for me to know it.
Wow, it was a fantastic experience! Who could imagine that I once lived in East Ural? I try to look further away into the past, but the last life comes in my mind over and over. I can only see small fragments from other lives. I focus myself and... at some point, I see that we were two men, brothers, in the 1400's.
After three hours of delighting myself with past life memories, I decide to take the strap-on off. Suddenly, I cannot see anything new. Is that how it works, like an on-off switch? I put it on again and... in a few minutes, I can see back our house in Ural East. This time, I see myself as an old person. Sandra... I mean David, has died. Children left to Venus and Mars and I died alone, in a winter.
Narrator speaking
The next day, the two meet again, after classes, in the same park where they always meet. This time, Julia changed herself to look close to the person she were. She changed her dress to red and took a very sheer pair of body membranes. in the 2500's, pantyhose no longer exist, but body membranes, which cover the whole body except for head and hands, are largely used by women. She also painted her hair blonde, how she looked like in her other life.
The two discuss for almost two hours what Julia has seen. David did not put the all-in-one on and had no vision from his past lives.
In the end, Julia says:
"You are right. You are Sandra".
Memories come to your mind when you find something related to a past experience (elementary psychology).
Caution: smoking scenes
Julia and David witnessed more experiences from their past lives. They could remember them only when they become somehow similar to how they looked in their last life. David was a woman named Sandra and he has to wear women clothes, while Julia, which were a cross-dresser, had to wear a strap-on. It never works in another way.
Until now, they never told anyone else about their experiences. But, there was one person which found out. Alessandra. One day, she was also in the park, partially drunk. She was feeling dizzy, but could hear what they were saying. Julia and David were talking about their past lives. The two remembered a time when both were brothers in medieval Serbia. At that time, David was Vuc and Julia was Milos. The two were good at school and ended-up as a doctor and a teacher.
"That is enough", thought Alessandra. "These two were always good learning and... one became a teacher? They tortured other children with this stupid school. I need to do something about them".
Alessandra went to her lover, Nick, which is an assistant at Psychology sector. Once Nick heard about this, he told the professor, which, very surprised, asked Nick to glue a microphone under the bench in the park. Alessandra insisted that, if possible, they must bring the two back to the lab, to examine them. She hoped that the new supercomputer will finally fry their brains.
On the other hand, the professor wanted to make sure the two are ok and don't experience any brain trauma after the last accident.
**********
The next day, Julia and David are back on the bench, talking about their past lives. In the Psychology department, Nick and the professor are listening:
"You won't believe this!" says Julia. "Last light, I've seen where we went after the last life. In the world of souls! You waited me there. And when we met, there were tears on our faces. I've seen our souls, made of light. They looked somehow like holograms, translucent but still real. We were so happy, that I started to cry also in reality. At that moment, where we were, we could see all our past lives like if we were looking at many TV screens".
"Wow! You did that?"
"Yes! I could also see the souls of many other people. They were all there. That place is called 'home'. It is where we come from and where we return each time. And there was something else. I've seen the soul of an alcoholic, which destroyed his life with his addiction. His wife abandoned him and he died alone in garbage. There was an angel accusing him for the bad way he spent his life".
The professor, listening this, comments:
"This is a prove that angels exist!"
"The angel, well, it looked quite like a human, but with no gender", continues Julia. "It was also made of light. They guide us through life and wait us home".
"You've seen also a devil?" asks David.
"No, Sandra", says Julia. "I mean, David. After all I've seen, I tend to call you Sandra".
"No problem, call me Sandra", says David. "I like it".
"I remember how the alcoholic was very upset", says Julia. "The angel was accusing him for the bad way he spent his life, showing him that he spent previous life in the same way. And I remember the alcoholic staying around us for a while".
"What happened to him?" says David.
"I don't remember. I do remember the huge size of the 'home'. It is immense. I think it is larger then the Solar System. Everyone sees this place different, based on what is in your soul. Hungry people see only food around and they eat until they are satisfied. I've seen it all like a huge mixture of buildings, huge spaces built of gems and precious stones, filling the whole space between a planet and another. I also remember that most souls are men or women. We are not. We are something between".
"I bet these two were transgender people in other lives", says the professor, carefully listening to the microphone.
"The angel was not so upset that guy was an alcoholic, but for all the bad things he did to the others", continues Julia. "I remember the angel saying: 'How many times you've bitten your wife? You've ruined your life, you lost your job, you sold your house for alcohol. For all these, you have to pay. And in the end, you destroyed your body. Killing your body is like killing someone else'. I wander what 'you have to pay' means".
"Were we ok, Julia?"
"Yes, Sandra. We were ok. It appears we did more good then bad things. We were ok. But that alcoholic was, I guess, in trouble".
"I have to stop Alessandra from drinking", whispers Nick.
"What I see", continues Julia, "is that not only part of our personalities pass to other lives. Also, our addictions pass through. In all lives, I found ourselves smoking, or at least trying something similar to this".
"This is true", says David - Sandra. "This is what I've seen last time. We were in ancient America, before Columbus... and we both smoked. We were shamans, husband and wife. I was the man and you were the woman, but we both felt like belonging to an intermediary gender. Something between".
"I told you! Transgender people!" says the professor, with a smile.
"Shamans, doctors, teachers, wizards, revolutionaries..." says Julia. "As I can see, in all lives, we tried to help others".
As their discussion continues, they start to talk about the moments when they can remember past memories. The professor finds out, surprised, that it only works when David wears an all-in-one women's costume and when Julia wears a strap-on.
"Why so?" asks Nick.
"I think they must look somehow similar to how they were in their last life", says the professor. "This opens the soul firewall and they can see beyond current life. But before everything, we need to check this thing out. We must find a way to bring them back here".
**********
The next day, after school, they meet again on the bench, talking about their memories.
"You were right, Julia".
"With what, Sandra?"
"With the alcoholic. Last night, I focused myself on him and I remembered him. Yes, he was desperate, knowing that he will be punished. He went to 'the school', as angels call that place".
"The school?" asks Julia.
"It is a place where souls learn. The alcoholic went to the school, to learn more and prepare himself for the next life. But, it was no way. In the end, he chosen a similar life. He wanted back the pleasure of drinking, the easy life he had. I remember the angels saying that they will prepare a choice for him in life, at some point".
"That's interesting. But what if he will still be an alcoholic and ruin his life?"
"There comes a place when a soul is too corrupted".
"Hell?" asks Julia.
"Sort of, but I was unable to see it. There go those who are unable to recover".
The professor listens and says:
"It is interesting that the alcoholic decided his future life. This is no violation of the law of freedom, the fundamental law of the Universe".
**********
The next day, the professor decides to take his chance. He goes to the park and meets David and Julia.
"How are you, children?" he says.
"We are fine", they answer.
The professor always calls students 'children'. At his age, they could fit well as his children. But the main reason is that he loves very much what he is doing and he loves all students like if they really were his children.
"There is something with you", he says. "I see you start to remember your past lives and even more. Somehow, the supercomputer connected you consciousness and sub-consciousness parts of the brains. I expected this to happen".
They both listen and don't say a word.
"I know how you feel", continues the professor. "You explore your past, late at night, wonderers through your many experiences. You've discovered secrets you never thought to be possible. And most of all, you will start to ask yourself why are you wonderers on Earth. Why are you returning from time to time? What is the reason of your existence and what are you trying to achieve here and in the world of souls? Home, as you call that world".
Again, they look to the professor, without saying a word.
"You are looking for an answer. It happened with myself too. Not that I managed to open my soul firewall, but I tried many times, with many children like you, to find the answer. It's the question that draws us here, in this Universe. Do you know the question?"
"What is the reason of our existence?" asks David.
"True, Sandra", says the professor.
"How do you know that name?" asks David.
"I know many things about you two. And I want to help you. You two can finish my life-long work".
"How?" asks Julia.
"There's nothing I can show you here. Come with me to the lab. Don't worry, what happened will never happen again".
They agree and go to the Psychology sector. The supercomputer is rebuilt, much more powerful then before.
"I spent all my salaries to rebuild it", says the professor. "But this time, it will only analyze what happens when you connect your consciousness and sub-consciousness parts of your brain. If I can break the key, you two will be able to access your past lives at any moment you want".
"Professor", says Julia, "the way we access our memories is not something you would like to see".
"I know", says the professor. "This is why I wanted to be alone with you. Nobody is here. I know what you use. I have what you need".
The professor locks the door, then brings an all-in-one costume and a strap-on.
"Don't worry, my children, nobody will see you. I stopped the watching cameras and all recording machineries. It will be just me and you two".
The two accept to change. David puts on the all-in-one costume. Now, he looks like a woman wearing a black dress and black pantyhose. Julia rises her skirt and adjusts the strap-on. They both sit on the chairs, while the professor himself adjusts all wires and connections. They wait a few minutes, nothing happens.
The professor advices them to light a cigarette. One minute later, they start to remember.
"Think about your last life", says the professor.
"I do", says Julia. "We were in Ural East".
"I remember it too", says David - Sandra".
"Think about something common. A common memory", advises the professor. "Your wedding day".
"I do", says Sandra. "We were at the town hall and the mayor asked Julia: 'Do you want to take Sandra to be your wife?' and..."
"Julia, what did you say?" asks the professor.
"I wanted to make a joke. I said: Yes, why not?"
"It's true!" says David - Sandra.
"I will use the computer to ask you a few questions", says the professor, monitoring their brains.
"What family name you chosen, Sandra?" asks the computer, using the language used in Ural East at that time.
"Sandra Leonova", asks David - Sandra. "But your accent is not correct".
"Wow!" says the professor. David answered in the language used in Ural East, a neo-Slavonic language.
"Think about your previous life", says the professor. "Where were you?"
"Two Muslim women, in a desert village", answers Julia.
"Think about that life", says the professor. "Now, can you read what is on the screen?"
On a screen, appears something written in Arabic.
"There is no god but Allah and Mohammed is his messenger", answers David.
"It's the shahada, the Islamic creed", says Julia. "It was written on our national flag".
The professor looks at the screen and says:
"My analysis is complete. Memories come to a person's mind when there is something similar to something experienced in a memory. There are two common things for you. First of all, you don't clearly belong to a gender. You crossed gender barriers many times and you are something between, Second, it is your strong addiction to smoking that lasted over 2000 years. The only way you can fully access your memories is to cross gender barrier. You have to become transgender people".
The professor says, then:
"When you don't wear your women's costume or your strap-on, I see a lot of activity, even a fight in your synapses. Your past experiences try to come in, but your current personality blocks them. This can destroy your brains and very soon. On the other hand, when you wear those things and somehow cross gender barriers, I see little, normal brain activity, like this is your natural way of existence".
They listen amazed, but don't say a single word.
"At that point, as trans people, you will be able to access all your memories. You have to become something between a man and a woman. I will make all the arrangements for you. I will pay everything it takes. But beware, there are many people that will not agree with the truth that you will reveal".
"What truth?" asks David - Sandra.
"That we live in a lie, my children. You discovered that there is a hell for those who don't use their lives properly. There is also a haven for those who deserve it, as other children revealed, before you. There is a God in charge of all this, there are angels who guide us and there also are demons, who misunderstood the law of freedom, the freedom to choose. There are many people who will not understand you and will fight against you as well, because they are happy with the evil way they chosen. But, the reward of finding the truth is beyond everything you've imagined possible, ever".
The professor looks at them, making sure they understood it all.
"If you don't agree to transform, your brains will not accept the different reality for long and you will end-up as mentally ill people. In that case, I have to erase your brains from past memories and you will no longer remember anything from past lives and the soul world. But if you transform, you will easily handle all this. I've seen on the screen how your brains operate and how easy and natural is for you to be somewhere between genders".
Again, the professor looks at them, without saying anything, making sure they understood how things are.
"This is your choice", continues the professor, taking the wires and sensors away from them. "Your brain damage is already visible. You have only a week to decide. After that, there will be no turning back. I will have to erase your memories from your brains, to save your lives. If you chose to transform, to cross gender barrier in this time, come to my lab. If not, you will enter a coma and return to your lives as they were before we met the first time".
The two rise from their seats and look around, thinking.
"Please, think wise", says the professor. "It is your decision, not mine. I never violate the law of freedom".
They stay, looking at each other and thinking about what to do.
"Please, change to your clothes and go home", says the professor. "The computer says you have exactly 6 Earth days to decide. I don't want to force you on any decision, because it is your own life. The choice is yours".
The professor watches as Julia and David open the door and leave. He knows very well how hard will be for them to take such a decision, but doesn't want to influence them in any way. Both Julia and David feel a huge pressure, like they never felt before. What should they do? A monstrous internal fight will start inside them, with their own self.
When the sword is above your neck, you hardly see the best solution (memories from a prisoner).
Caution: smoking scenes, moments of drama, depression and hard decisions
Will you go through the pain of complete body transformation when even a visit to the dentist is painful enough?
The professor warned Julia and David - Sandra that they have two options. If they remain as they are, their brains will not support the complex gender transformations they experienced during their past lives. In that case, in only six days, they will both enter a coma. The professor will have to erase all their memories from past lives, to save their brains. If they want to keep the memories and discover more, they will have to cross the gender barrier and become transgender people. But, as they can realize, that will require a lot of painful surgical procedures. Even if the year is 2538 and the technology is far more advanced, such a complex body transformation still is difficult and risky. What should they do?
Day 1
Julia and David - Sandra stop after school in the university park, as always, to talk.
"I made my mind", says Julia. "Even if we were in love since millennia and we've been together through many lives, I think we should not go further revealing our past. We will be together in this life too, as we were so many times".
"You mean, we should erase our brains?"
"Yes, Sandra. Just think at this: When I was little, I fallen from a tree. I had my hand immobilized for a week and it was so painful. Imagine how we would feel to completely transform our body. To add me a penis, to remove yours and make a hole instead, to add breasts for you... and probably remove mine. Do you realize how painful it will be?"
"I know", answers David. "But, I don't know. There is a part of me that wants to continue exploring our past lives".
"And besides, what will people say about us?" asks Julia. "Imagine me as a man as a cross-dresser, as I were in my past life and you as a woman. I could pass as a woman, but you know, women's clothes are elastic, not like in the past. Everybody will see a huge dick! Oh mine! Colleagues will laugh for months, we will be at the news channel".
"If that is your decision, I am with you", says David. "But, let's not take a decision fast. Will you?"
"And even for you", continues Julia. "That bully which used you as a boxing bag, will now probably try to rape you. Who knows what will now happen!"
"Julia, let's wait a few more days and in the 5th day take a decision", says David.
"We already have headaches and amnesia, showing that our brains are in trouble", adds Julia. "But if you insist, I will wait. Whatever you chose. If you want to die, I will die with you".
"Maybe if we don't explore our past lives, our brains will be more relaxed", says David.
"Ok, we will no longer see our past lives today, to see how we will feel".
**********
They went to their rooms and spent the whole evening doing anything else. Well, on Callisto, a day lasts 16 Earth days. People divided the day into 24 hours Earth cycles because the human brain is unable to keep with the long local day. So, what people call 'day', is in fact a cycle of 24 hours. There are 8 cycles of day time and 8 cycles of night time. Despite the day being so long, temperature variations are very low. Jupiter is far from the Sun and its moons are protected by a thick layer of greenhouse gasses. Temperature varies only with 3 degrees C.
Both could not sleep more then an hour. They were both thinking about the many lives they experienced together and felt sorry that all these memories will vanish soon. Very soon, David will no longer remember himself as Sandra, the woman. Julia will no longer remember herself as a cross-dresser and Sandra's husband.
They suffered the whole night and returned to school very tired, with headaches.
Day two
The two met again in the park, after classes.
"How was last night?" asks David - Sandra.
"I cried. I wanted to see our past lives and hardly managed not to. I am missing you as Sandra!"
"Me too".
"Could you sleep?" asks Julia.
"Hardly", answers David. "Less then an hour, I think. I thought this will help, but my head hurts even more. And I feel as dizzy as I never felt".
"What if we open our past lives?" says Julia. "At least only for this night. Soon, we will be unable to do this any more".
**********
That night, each in its own room, they dressed appropriate, to resemble what they were in their last reincarnation. Both remembered their last life, as they were in Ural East. But not only. David went further away in past, to a moment in the 1600's. At that time, they were both born as boys but ended-up as hijras. A hijra is India's third gender, a castrated man. The operation requires both testicles and the penis to be removed. Hijras look completely like women, even if they actually have no genitals. Even their breasts grow. Julia witnesses a much more distant past life, when she was a man. In that life, she wanted to be castrated, to remain more feminine.
Again, they could not sleep more then an hour. Knowing that their memories will not last for many days, they spent many hours, late in night, trying to remember as much as they could.
Day 3
The third day, they decide to go together and sleep together in Julia's room. After all, they've been a family in many lives. Even if they are in a platonic relation, their memories show that they had many sexual relations and even children so many times. David takes his all-in-one costume with him.
It is something common for students to have visitors, even from other genders, even to spend a night with someone. Many families form this way. The university even encourages this, offering better rooms for couples.
Even if they were together naked so many times in their past lives, David finds difficult to undress. Julia understands him and turns her back. David puts his costume and becomes like a woman. Now, the all-in-one covers his body like an elastic membrane. Even if the whole costume is made as a single piece of material, it resembles a knee-long dress with opaque tights. Julia helps him and uploads to his costume one of her favorite textures. The all-in-one becomes light green, with a white leaf drawn on the chest. The skirt and sleeves are also full with dark green leaves, while the feet are opaque black.
Julia has a light-red blouse-skirt, also made of a single piece. Her skirt is filled with red, white and black flowers, more on the skirt and less on the upper part. Her skirt ends just above her knees. She has no pantyhose and no socks on, just her white sandals, which she wears anywhere. She puts the strap-on, which creates a bulge under her dress.
Then, they both light a cigarette. Soon after, their memories from past lives start to appear.
"I know why you picked this design", says David - Sandra. "This is how we looked in the 2000's. At that time, we lived in the mountains of Northern Caucasus".
"Yes", says Julia. "At that time, you were the woman and I also was a cross-dresser. You loved to wear green".
"We had four children", continues David - Sandra. "I was born in the mountains and you in the civilized World. You came to me".
"Like if I knew you were there", continues Julia. "My parents could not accept it. I was their only son and they could not accept me to be with you".
"Because they thought I were a witch", says David - Sandra.
"And you were... sort of. At least in the eyes of everyone else".
"Remember our smoky kisses?"
"Yes", says Julia. "And I remember when you almost killed me because I didn't want to start smoking. I still wonder if you would really kill me".
"I don't know. I don't know if I would have the courage, in any life".
"I was the cross-dresser, a man always wearing pantyhose on", continues Julia. "Remember when I was massaging your feet? And you were mine?"
"I do", continues David - Sandra. "What still shocks me is how you found me. You went from the civilized Central Europe to the dangerous Northern Caucasus to find me. It was like if we were set to meet there".
"Perhaps we were", answers Julia. "We found each one in almost every epoch we went through. We found each other here, too".
"You were a Geological expert and I graduated the railway university. We used to talk for hours about Astronomy. We had such a wonderful marriage", continues David - Sandra.
Julia takes David's feet on her lap, massaging them and feeling the smooth texture of his all-in-one. It is similar to the tights and pantyhose that existed in the 2000's. Her hands move just as they did 2500 years ago. Then, David touches Julia's feet, uncovered by an elastic membrane, her pink toes and her sandals. It is the first time they ever do this.
"Your feet were so much different with pantyhose on", says David - Sandra. "It is amazing that I can remember the feeling after so much time".
The two get closer and make a smoking kiss, like they did in past. Their lips touch and smoke runs from one's mouths to the other's.
"In that life, we were sfenists", says Julia. "We never had sex and there was no way we could have".
"I remember", says David - Sandra. "It is because we were both sexually abused in that life. But even so, we were such an united couple!"
They stop at a few kisses and don't go further. For hours, they keep exploring their past lives, until finally end-up sleeping. For the first time, they sleep together in the same bed.
Day 4
After school, they meet in the park only for little, then go home, each one to its room. What happened that night, we should ask them.
David's story
I went to my room. It was the fourth day. I knew that only tomorrow we can live with our memories, the next day we have to go to the professor and remove the memories of our past lives. So, I wanted to take advantage of every single second I could. My head was full of pain. It was clear that my synapses are starting get affected.
After I took my all-in-one, I wanted to see how far I could get. How I found Julia? Well, you certainly want to hear this? Because, when I found out, it was a painful shock.
You won't believe it, but, probably our first incarnation was in the stone age. There we were, in the most unexpected situation. It shocked me to death to see that we were two men, gay. Yes, I am right. This is how it started. We were black, so I guess it was in Africa. We were in some sort of a tribe. Time was not counted in years in that era, so I have no idea when it were, but I guess it was in 3000 years before Christ. Is that how old our relation is? Over 5000 years passed and we still are together!
"Wow!" I said to myself. "How could that be possible?"
I tried to see more about that life, but it was very hard. Also, I could not see anything beyond. So, I turned to the next reincarnation that we had. Well, it was so different. We were, I guess in Central America. I was a man at that time and Julia a woman. We were children of a shaman. You might say that it was incest, but even if we were brother and sister, we had a relation. What I do remember, is that our parents were smoking. It was a ritual practice in ancient America. I tried it and got addicted. And from that point on, I became a smoker in all my lives, forcing also Julia into this habit.
It appears that we've been to every part of the world in ancient times: Africa, America, China, Siberia, you name it. It hurts me to say it now, but until I started to have memories from past lives, I was discriminating people. I had something with Muslims... until I found out I was a Muslim. At some point, I had something against black people... but the first incarnation I remember, was as a black male. Not the last, I was against gay people... and it was such a shock for me to find out that once I was one of them.
Never, I really mean never discriminate people, because there is a high chance you WERE in exactly what you don't like now. The reincarnation process takes you to all places and all human races possible. You won't believe it until you see it yourself.
Another thing that shocked me, is that in all lives I was a convinced smoker, no matter what I were. And I wanted to know why this addiction passed to me for so many lives. Did I ever died from smoking? I was examining this and I found the answer. Yes! This addiction killed me more times then I could imagine.
It was in the 1200's. We lived in ancient America. I was the man and Julia the woman. With the medical knowledge I have now, I am sure that smoking killed me. In my last days, I could not breath. What comes, scared me. Do you want to listen? I think so. I wouldn't like to tell you, but so be it. I remember I died in Julia's hands. When you see these memories, you don't remember the feelings you had, the pain mainly. You remember it was painful, the sensation itself is absent. It is just like when you have memories from this life. If you suffered something, like if you broke a leg or an arm, you remember how painful it was, but without feeling the pain itself.
I've seen myself rising above my body. Julia was crying. then, I continue to rise. I've seen my angel, taking me to the world of souls, which we call home. He was accusing me for destroying my body, showing me that I made myself a bad karma. I knew that I will have to pay for this in the next life. Destroying your own body is a sin just like killing someone else.
What I also remember, is that, when we were at home, me and Julia were planning our next life. We wanted to go back to Earth. So, we chosen to go to Persia. I remember how we carefully chosen the lives we wanted to live and the bodies to wear. In this new life, I were to be the woman and she the man. We were a family again. What happened, is that my strong smoking addiction forced me to try various things. You won't believe it, but it was me who invented hashish smoking. That was before Columbus sailed to America. Believe me, my angel was very upset for what I've done.
At that point, I realized that at each reincarnation, we plan what to do. Each one is a lesson for us to learn. There must be a reason why souls return to this world from time to time, but at that time I could not figure out what that reason was.
I could not sleep the whole night. In the morning, I realized that my present life must have a reason and if the reason is to remember all my past lives, I have to go through.
Julia's story
What I did that night? I tried to see something else, something that was in my mind for a long time. Memories from the soul world, from home as it should be named, are harder to remember. I wanted to see if me and Sandra actually planned to meet each time. How was it that in almost every life we found each other?
So, I tried to remember what happened before we came to our present life.
We were home. Please, let me call that place this way. As we were thinking to come, there was the soul of a woman, planning her next life. She was memorizing something. She was talking to someone, to another soul:
"When you see me, don't hesitate to hit me!"
She was planning to be hit by a hovering car, to have broken legs. This way, she wanted to burn some of her negative karma from past life, where she killed someone. Well, we didn't have much negative karma to burn.
We spent maybe days, selecting the best location and what bodies to have. Sandra told me:
"When I will see you, you have to wear white sandals, so that I will recognize you. And make a bubble of gum".
"And when I will see you", I said, "you have to play with your hair. And give me a cigarette".
We uploaded these details in our sub-consciousness. And this is exactly how it happened. Our lives are not at random. there, in home, we seen it all and planned everything. We came to this life for a reason. There is a lesson that we want to learn here. All these reincarnations are like a multitude of school classes. Each one requires learning and then passing an exam, but the life itself is an exam.
There was not much time left. We only had one more day, then we had to decide if we will cross gender barrier or not. So, I wanted to see what I could remember from home. If I could see my life there, then I could see what choice to take.
Then, I realized. We've been women, men, cross-dressers, castrated, hijras, but we never were transgender people. This is the barrier we never passed over. We never changed completely from one gender to another. Maybe this is the lesson that we must pass.
When the morning came, I was feeling so dizzy, that I hardly managed to get out of room.
Day 5
David and Julia felt very bad at school, but managed to stay until the last class ended. Even if it is Saturday, some students still come to school. Teachers come for free, as Saturday is the day when the best students are coming.
It was David and Julia's their last day. Tomorrow, they had to take a decision. David invites Julia to his room. They both change, so that their past lives can be revealed.
"Sandra", says Julia, "do you remember the moment before coming to this life? When we were home?"
"Before coming here?" asks David. "I do, when we met back home. I waited you. We were very happy to be together again".
"Later", insists Julia. "When we decided to go. Do you remember what you said to me?"
"When?"
"When we were planning our bodies. You told me to wear white sandals and to make a bubble of gum when I will see you. These were our signs, so that we can meet each other".
"I do!" answers David, almost shouting. "I remember. Yes, we planned to meet here".
"And do you remember what signs I asked from you?"
"Yes, I do", he says, surprised. "To play with my hair and to give you a cigarette. We agreed upon this. And that's just how it went!"
Julia tries to smile, which is hard, over all the pain she feels from her head. Then, she says:
"We left to this world for a reason. We planned our lives here for a purpose. What I don't know, is what that purpose is. Are we here to go through tomorrow, forget everything or go on? What do you think? Cause right now, I cannot judge anything more. I spent all night thinking about that. Is our purpose to cross gender barriers?"
David looks carefully at Julia, then takes her feet on his lap. He kisses her, then gently massages her toes. Then, he touches her strap-on. Suddenly, both have memories from past life. When David was Sandra and Julia was a cross-dresser, sometimes they practiced mutual masturbation. David moves his hand beneath Julia's skirt, then stops, saying:
"Sometimes, these memories are so real, that I feel like I did it last night".
"It's ok", says Julia. "No problem, perhaps we will be doing this again one day".
"I was thinking about something", says David. "Do you remember in the 2000's, there was a movie, Matrix. You remember it?"
"Yes, I do", says Julia. "With all people being prisoners of the machines and having their brains connected to a virtual world. Somehow, it is similar to the reality. People could not see anything beyond their virtual reality. Just like people today cannot see anything beyond their current life".
"The main character, Neo, if I remember his name correctly", continues David. "He was offered a choice".
"The scene with the pills!" exclaims Julia. "Take the red pill and get out of the matrix, take the blue pill forget everything".
"You see, Julia, we are just like Neo. We have right now two pills in front of us. Until that moment, Neo did not see what the Matrix is, but he wanted to. We've seen already enough. We have to chose. The red pill or the blue pill. Explore or resign".
"Yes. But, what pill would you take?" asks Julia. "Are we ready to take the red pill, or we should wait another life for this?"
"Julia, think about this. What if Neo takes the blue pill? Wouldn't he regret the whole of his life this decision? The story ends, you wake-up in your room and believe whatever you want. I think that I don't want to waste my entire life, thinking why didn't I take the red pill. I advise that we go to the professor tomorrow morning and cross gender barriers".
"I will come with you. This must be the reason of our current life".
Day 6
Unlike any day, Julia and David spent their time waiting for morning to come. They kissed, touched, cuddled and remembered more of their past lives.
Even if it is Sunday morning, the professor always come to his lab, at least for an hour. He does this, to work with his favorite students.
In the morning, they took men's clothes over their women's elastic clothing, so that nobody would know what is going on. David kept his all-in-one beneath his clothes, while Julia kept her strap-on beneath her clothes. Their heads were full of pain and ready to explode. It was very hard for them to even move. some colleagues laughed at them, saying that they are both drunk. It was still very early in the morning when they arrived to the Psychology sector. Very tired, they managed to reach the door. It was still locked. Nobody arrived.
They light a cigarette. It is very hard even to smoke.
Two men, employed for cleanup, find the two sitting at the door.
"Are you ok?" asks one of them.
"Is the professor coming?" asks David. "It is an emergency".
"Yes, but later. Are you waiting for him?"
"We must talk with him", says Julia.
"I have his phone number", says the other man. "If it is who he told me will come, I'll dial and you speak".
David takes the phone. With a sleepy voice, the professor answers:
"Who is it?"
"It's Sandra", says David. "And Julia. We are at the lab. We made our mind. We are ready to be transformed".
"Come, we feel very bad", says Julia, almost crying of pain. "Please, transform us!"
"As far as I can, my children. Don't move from there. I will come with a medical team. Everything is prepared for you. Now, give me the guy you took the phone from".
The worker takes the phone and says:
"Sir, they came in time, just as you said they will".
"Tom, thank you for watching" says the professor." Keep an eye on them. Don't let anyone take those two children. You understand? Don't let anyone take them to a hospital! I will come with the medical team. Their lives are in great danger if anyone else gets to them before me".
The professor comes as fast as he can, together with a an emergency medical team he prepared for the moment. Both Julia and David are starting to lose contact with the real world. Every second is critical if the professor wants to save their precious connection to their past lives. The medical team takes them in a hurry, while the professor comes with them.
"Hold on, my children", he says. "Hold on, this is the beginning of a wonderful journey".
I’m trying to free your mind, Neo. But I can only show you the door. You’re the one that has to walk through it (The Matrix).
Caution: large-scale body transformations and limited smoking and erotic scenes
The ambulance carries David - Sandra and Julia to a private hospital as fast as possible. The professor is joining them. Their lives and their memories from past lives can be saved only if the right procedures are done in time. Every second counts. Their brains show signs of damage, as more and more memories from past lives try to get to the consciousness part of the brain. Knowing that time is critical, the professor induces them a state of trance, almost like a coma, but completely different. David - Sandra starts talking in a North Caucasian language, while Julia starts talking a South East European language. Nobody understands them. The professor keep calling his friends with his phone. Everything was well prepared, but many unknown factors are yet to be seen.
The ambulance stops at its destination. A team of doctors take David - Sandra and Julia to an emergency block. Another professor, comes to see the patients.
"I am glad you came, Albert", says the professor.
"They are the two you told me about, sir?" asks Albert.
"Yes, they are the key to our theories. You know what you have to do. Scan their brains immediately!"
"Yes, just let me power-up our supercomputer".
Albert was one of professor's first students. He is now specialized in transgender people psychology. He connects the two to a supercomputer and analyses them. He looks very surprised at the data gathered.
"These two are unique", says Albert. "They are something I've never seen. Usually, transgender people show a bioenergy signature that corresponds to the gender they want to belong to. Even in early childhood, this is visible, before they can realize it. For example, a boy which later wants to become a woman, shows a bioenergy signature very close to that of a girl. By analyzing that signature, I can see how he will look when he will be a she".
"What do these values look like?" asks the professor.
"They are similar to both men and women", says Albert. The two show all elements of both genders. They are something between".
"Hermaphrodites?"
"A bit similar, but still this is different. Also, it looks like what I found at a shemale. Just wait for the computer to project their signature and calculate how their bodies should look like. It should appear in seconds on the screen".
And the results appears.
"This is unbelievable!" says Albert, with a very surprised look. "Just take a look, it is something I've never seen in my whole life!"
The computer calculated, based on their bioenergy signature, how David - Sandra and Julia want their bodies to look like. The screen displays two nearly similar bodies, with almost the same height. Both bodies resemble that of a woman, with small breasts, with faces somehow between those of a man and those of a woman and with genital organs belonging to both sexes. This includes a penis and a vagina. The professor looks at the 3D images created and takes his phone, calling some people. Not soon, a team of surgeons come and look at the image. They look for a few seconds, then they look at the bodies of the two. The professor says:
"Do you think it is possible?"
"To build this?" asks one of them. "I don't know, it looks like one of the most complex reconstruction surgery of my entire life".
"Leo", says the professor. "You were my best student in your time. You can do it. I've seen wonders done through your hands".
"I don't know if it is possible to keep elements from both genders in equilibrium", says someone else. "Estrogens and testosterone don't go well one with the other. On a long timescale, their bodies will reject one gender".
"To make this functional", says someone else, "we have to reconstruct part of their brains and neural filaments. We have to connect the new organs to the brain properly".
"We have to make their bones longer or shorter, to adjust muscles, to transform their bodies completely", says another doctor.
"New organs can be built from cloned embryonic cells, but it will take time", finally says the last doctor. "You're asking us to do a lot of work in two weeks, which otherwise should be done in years. I will try my best, but I don't guarantee".
"Everyone, do what you can", says the professor.
**********
All doctors decided to start working. They extracted cells from their bodies and started to work with them, to create new organs and parts that will be implanted. This technology is largely used in the 2500's and allows damaged organs, like hearts and kidneys to be cloned. But here, everything is more complicated.
The doctors then decide to set Julia and David into a deep coma, blocking all brain activities, to stop any further brain damage. All interior organs will be controlled by a computer. Breathing, heart beating, digestive functions, all will be controlled by machines. Their brains are stopped almost completely.
First come the doctors who will grow in vitro the new organs. They take cells from genital areas and clone them, to further grow them in incubators. The process is complex. Not only that new organs will need to grow, but all veins, arteries, muscles and nerves will need to be perfectly cloned and connected to their bodies.
Then come other doctors. They have the job to make Julia's arms and legs grow a bit longer and to make David's become shorter. This is a very difficult procedure. It is almost like building new arms and legs. Well, in fact only bones can be made longer or shorter in an easy way. Muscles need to be cloned and attached to their previous positions. The skin also needs to be adjusted. All arteries, veins, lymphatic channels and nerves need to be rebuilt. To remove a section of them sounds easy, but it's not. Each time, you have to use high precision instruments. To grow them longer is also not easy, because you actually have to stretch them every day with a few millimeters.
Before the new organs are built, there is something else that needs to be done. Their brains and nerves don't have the corresponding parts for the new organs. So, new nerves and some brain parts need to be grown from cloned cells and carefully inserted. It is the most difficult operation of all. This requires surgical interventions with the precision of less then a micron. Humans are unable to do this. Only a high-tech machine is able to do that. The procedure is largely used after accidents, to rebuild destroyed nerves and connect them to cloned body parts.
Finally, the cloned organs are added. Now, they will all have both male and female genitals. The doctors carefully add small breasts to David - Sandra and replace existing ones with smaller ones for Julia.
Then, they concentrate to facial surgery. The last improvement is adjusting David's larynx, to change his voice.
Having both male and female genitals comes with a major problem. Estrogens will make male organs shrink in size, while testosterone will make female organs shrink. Also, estrogens decrease production of testosterone and testosterone decreases production of estrogens. how can you keep them both in equilibrium? It was impossible in past. Now, thanks to some technological updates, it is. By carefully blocking receptors for each hormone and by carefully controlling their production, it is possible. This is not done with medicine, but with the help of an extra organ, artificially made, which is less then 1 cm in size.
A complete hermaphrodite transformation was not possible. They will not have functional ovaries and testicles. They will never menstruate, never be able to get pregnant and never be able to have functional sperm.
**********
Finally, after roughly 30 Earth days, everything is ready. All the work is completed. It was such a complex work, that the event went on the news. The final moment has come. The doctors will resuscitate the brains of both teens, to wake them up. This is not a simple process, after all neurons have been sleeping for a month. Each neural center is activated slowly, while electronic plugins, which kept internal organs operating, are gradually removed. Everything works just as expected. The new parts of the brain start to operate. The new filaments are receiving commands and bringing signals from the new organs. It takes hours until all procedures are completed.
Then, comes the final moment. The professor, together with all doctors, is there, to witness the final transformation. The two receive a final electric impulse, after which the last connections are removed. The two wake-up, finally.
"Where am I?" asks Julia, first, looking around.
"In a hospital", answers David, with his new, female voice. "Hey, what's this?" he says, surprised.
"Welcome back!" says a doctor.
"Welcome back, children", says the professor, looking at them. "How do you feel?"
"A bit strange", says Julia.
"I have tits!" says David, surprised. Am I a woman?"
"And I..." says Julia, feeling her new penis. "What is this?"
"Do you feel your new organs?" asks a doctor.
The doctors check them for an hour, proving that their new bodies work ok. Then, the professor tests their ability to remember past lives and again everything looks ok. After all this, they receive new identity cards, with their new trans-genders. Now, David is officially named Sandra.
From this moment on, David will be named Sandra.
The professor took care of everything. He motivated their absences at the university, did all the paperwork and made sure that from now on they will both live in the same room. He even made sure that a taxi will take them to their new room. After such a difficult operation, the press will be here for sure. As the two leave to the taxi, the professor tells them:
"I could not do this alone. I was helped by many friends. There will come a day when you will understand why we helped you. Now, go to your new room and examine your new bodies. And tomorrow, go to school like you did before. All your colleagues know about your transformation and your ability to remember past lives, but nobody knows what is the reason I helped you this far. You will realize it after you graduate".
**********
The taxi takes them directly to the sleeping rooms, in a block specially made for couples... and lets them at the entrance. they have the key and number of the room. It is somewhere on the 5th floor. Some people look at them. Without asking anything, they go fast to their room, even if everybody is looking at them. They get into their room and close the door. Inside, all their stuff is arranged carefully. It s clear that someone took care of everything.
After eating something, they lie on the bed and light a cigarette, examining their new bodies. It is so surprising! Both have the same size, both look very similar, with arms and legs of the same length. Their faces look almost the same. The doctors took care even to paint their hair in the same color and with the same length, in black.
Their clothes are similar, women's, elastic clothes. Both wear a sheer elastic membrane, something equivalent with a bodystockings used in the 2000's, very sheer, which covers their whole bodies, except for hands and heads. Its color is close to the color of the skin, shiny and transparent. Above it, they have a blouse-skirt, elastic, opaque and colored in black, white and red. The 'skirt' part barely touches their knees, while the sleeves cover half of their arms. To make them look more similar, they both have white sandals, identical white earrings and an identical necklace.
Their new bodies are so similar, shocking similar in fact. Both have small breasts. Their skin is different, with no moles and no hairs except for on their head. Their voices are feminine, but with a bit more bass then a classic woman's voice.
The major difference comes to their genitals. Now, they have both a penis and a vagina, both male and female, both with a normal size. Testicles are also present, but have less then half the size that they would normally have. There is no pubic hair on their genitals.
First thing they waned to test, is if their penises will be visible. Surprisingly, even if they should wear women's elastic pants, the genitals will be hardly visible, only if someone looks careful. Under the skirt, it is clearly invisible, except if it becomes erected. But, having the elastic membrane beneath, limits the erection very good.
"We've been in many situations", says Sandra. "But, since the first time we walked on Earth, we've never been like this. This is in fact what we always wanted to be".
"You make me remember the days we were in Ural East", says Julia. "Once, we've been in a very similar pose, resting both on the bed and talking. You told me that night that you wanted to be a cross-dresser or if possible a hermaphrodite".
"And you told me that you wish in your next life to be a woman", says Sandra. "Well, you were a woman... but now, you are more".
"Right", says Julia, letting a cloud of smoke fly out of her mouth. "We both are".
"It took over 5000 years until finally mankind reached the technology needed to make us what we are today", continues Sandra. "It took us 5500 years to reach this point".
"I wish we will always remain like this", says Julia, holding a cigarette in one hand and exploring her genitals with the other.
"Finally, I am officially Sandra".
"Welcome to this world, Sandra!"
They explore their bodies until late in night, they talk and kiss, touching each other's body. Each time, they remember how many lives they spent as women, men, cross-dressers and not only... but they never were like they are now.
The big test will be tomorrow, when they will go to school. How will their colleagues react? For sure, not in a pleasant way.
People reject what they find different from them (a study about discrimination).
Caution: smoking scenes, humiliation scenes and some adult subjects
Julia and Sandra are preparing to go to school with their new hermaphrodite bodies. How will their colleagues accept this? To make things harder, all students heard what happened with the two.
They wake-up after a good sleep. Sandra gets out of bed and comes with a few cookies and two glasses of milk. They eat this short breakfast and look at their bodies. It is like they hardly believe it happened, that now they look almost identical and are both hermaphrodites. Their bodies look more like those of a female then those of a male. Today, they will have to pass a hard test. Other students will see them at school as they look. Many people will probably not react well to this. As they still sit on the bed and light the first cigarette, memories from past lives come to their mind.
"Remember in the 800's, when we were two hijras?" asks Julia. "We looked very similar to how we look today".
"I remember", says Sandra. "We looked very similar at that time. It was the last time we looked almost like tweens".
"And even if we were castrated", continues Julia, "we were in love. There was no way for us to have sex, but we were some sort of a couple. We never accepted anal sex, as most hijras do".
"At that time, technology was far more limited then it is today", answers Sandra. "We wanted to cross gender barriers, that's why we incarnated as hijras".
"Oops!" says Julia, feeling her body. "My penis got erected by itself!"
"Yes, it happens almost always in morning, before you completely wake-up", answers Sandra. "It will calm down once you are completely awake".
"I know", continues Julia, "from when I were a man. I just hope that it will not happen while we are at school".
Sandra gets up and prepares her clothes for school. Julia also moves to a wall, where they have a large mirror. Both come to the mirror, to examine their new bodies. Since they've been together in so many past lives, they find this very natural, like they've done many times in past. In the mirror, naked, they can see themselves how similar their bodies are. On their entire skin, there is no spot, no mole, no piece of hair except for the head. How shocking similar they are! But, the most interesting part is their genital area. There, a half-erected penis and two small balls hide behind the entrance to a vagina.
Well, time is limited, they don't want to be late. So, they talk about how to get dressed.
"People probably await me to be David", says Sandra. "But I am no longer. I know I should take women's clothes, but there is a big part of me wanting to take men's".
"I know", says Julia with a kiss", but if you don't do the changes today, tomorrow it will be too late and you will regret it".
"I know", answers Sandra, putting her men clothes in the closet. "David is long behind".
"And the professor is waiting us as we are now", continues Sandra. "I have to".
"You need some courage, Sandra", says Julia. "Just ignore everyone!"
"I hope those bullies will don't go to far".
"I will get dressed just like you".
They both decide to get dressed in the same way. They first take an elastic membrane over their bodies, which covers everything except for the head and hands with a sheer, shiny, translucent texture. After this, they add pants, larger, so that they can hide their genitals. Then, they add a blouse-dress. They edit it to be simple white, with no details on, just with a black line on the bottom. The blouse-dress is set not long and not short. It reaches the knees and covers half of the hands. Its elastic shape copies the shape of the body. Then, they take white earrings and a small necklace. And then, they arrange their black hair into a ponytail, as most girls do. Everything is ready. Now, they take their purses, identical black ones. 15 minutes will pass until the first class starts.
They leave the room and travel the park, holding each other by hand. Then, they kiss and separate, not caring that many people look at them all over the place.
What happened at school? The best way to find out is to ask them.
Julia's story
My first day at school with my new body? It was a very interesting experience. First of all, I was scared what will happen if suddenly I will have an erection. I was amazed of the feeling you have with both genitals on your body. It is something amazing, something I never experienced. In all my past lives, I were a man, a woman, a cross-dresser, but never a hermaphrodite. In past, it would had been far more easy to hide your genitals then it is now, with these elastic clothes.
I went directly to the amphitheater, where the classes will be. I entered and moved to the first raw, to my desk. Just as I entered, everybody started to say:
"Julia!"
"She is still alive!"
"She changed".
"I can hardly recognize her".
I changed? Do I look different? Well, my face is radically changed. And I am taller then I were. I find it difficult to move, feeling like I lose my equilibrium. There is a major difference on how you walk. On Earth, where gravity is strong, people walk with small steps to move around. On Callisto, everything is different. Walking here is done with large steps, but not by jumping, as you do on the Moon. It is somehow like running, only that you don't get tired, because your body is light. The lack of gravity creates a lot of trouble to any newcomer. I remember the first days, I could not walk 100 m in straight line without falling. Just try to jump over a small pond and you end-up on the other side of a road! Now, with these long feet, I am experiencing the same problems. As I walk the stairs, I move like if I were drunk!
Colleagues were talking and even laughing about me, but I didn't care. Even the professors, they came and looked at me very careful. At first, I was just avoiding everyone, but then I realized. They were all looking at my crotch, like trying to see under my skirt, to see if I really have genitals from both genders.
From time to time, I was feeling my genitals, especially my penis. Memories from past lives helped me a lot. When I were a cross-dresser, I knew how to hide that organ and look as feminine as possible. During pauses, most students leave the classroom to a large balcony in front of the amphitheater, where we smoke. In the first break, I was very anxious, not to notice anyone. I even went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and assured myself that my dick was not visible at all.
I found soon that memories from past lives are stronger. Before this, I could remember new things only when I was smoking, but now, it happens even when I am not.
At the third course, a teacher came and looked directly at me. He said:
"I am glad to have you back! Honestly, I don't agree with what happened to you and I don't believe in past lives, but it is your decision".
Well, that teacher likes to ask us questions. At some point, he started to talk about how people seen the Universe before the arrival of technology. Suddenly, he says:
"Before 1500, most people thought that the Earth is flat. They thought that stars were angels or candles in the sky. Is it true, past-lives rememberer?"
He was looking at me and I had to respond.
"It depends when", I answered.
"Before 1500, as I said. Where were you at that time?"
"In 1200's", I say, "I was in America".
"That was before the Europeans discovered America?"
"Yes".
"Well, how did people see the world at that time?" he asks. "Tell me your lie, I don't believe you anyway".
"Well, in that life, we never asked ourselves what is the shape of the Earth. And the stars, they were just stars. We believed they had magical power, healing power and could predict the future".
"You never asked if the Earth was round or flat?" he asks me with a bit of anger.
"Not in that life. Before, in the 1100's, in another life, people thought that the Earth was sitting on the back of three giant snakes moving on water".
The professor laughs at this and so do the students.
"In the 1600's", I continue, "I lived in Persia. There, people believed the Earth is round".
"Well, that was after the Europeans discovered America", says the professor.
"But they thought the stars, the Sun and all planets were orbiting around the Earth".
The professor laughs again, then asks me:
"I believe you if you say something in Persian. Tell me in Persian that the Earth is round and the Sun moves around the Earth".
"The Earth is round and the Sun moves around the Earth", I answer in Persian.
All students start to whisper.
"Your brain is filled with uploaded staff", says the professor. "I know that Psychology expert, he is insane! Well, I motivated all your absences, still. Not for him, but for you. He found that the only way to prove past lives exist, is to upload in your brain a lot of data. But I will prove to you that he is wrong. He uploaded in your brain languages and information. A live translation will reveal the truth. My phone has an automatic translator. Come here and speak!"
I was in the center of attention, everyone was looking at me as I walked. Honestly, I was scared.
"Tell me in Persian that 'I lived in Persia' and I will show you that you are wrong".
I say it, in the language I remember: "I lived in Persia". Instantly, the phone comes with a translation. Language was automatically detected: Persian - ancient.
"Persian - ancient?" says the professor. "Now, that is strange. Well, you lived in ancient America. Tell me something in a language spoken there. Say 'I lived in Amercia before the Europeans came".
I try, but stop. Then, I say:
"The term 'America' was not known at that time. I know no word for it".
"How is that possible?" says the professor.
"At that time, we had no idea that there is something beyond the ocean".
"Then, say something else. Say: 'I am tired and I hate lies' for example".
I say it, in five different languages, from five different past lives. The program comes four times with an error, unknown language. Only once, it gets the language as Huave, extinct language, but without understanding all words. The automated translation sounds loud, so that everyone can hear:
"Me sleepy, unknown word, lie anger".
Later, I found out that Huave was still spoken by 10000 people in the 2000's. This language died in the 2200's, despite huge efforts to preserve it. Still, many old languages, that existed in the 2100's, are preserved in computer databases and can be accessed by any translator program. Well, I spoke an older version, which the program did not understand well.
Most students are amazed of this, but the professor says:
"Still I don't believe it. That sun of a bitch inserted a lot of crap in your brain. I am wonder why you are still alive and why your synapses are still functional. Maybe you have an implant which you don't know about yet... but you will one day".
When the pause came, I went to the balcony, to smoke a cigarette. Other students gathered around me, like if I were a miracle. They started to ask me about past lives, about languages that I know and about places I've been into. They tried to translate with their phones.
Then, after the last class, which ended up early because the professor was in a hurry, I went to the park, on our bench. I decided to light another cigarette, thinking about our past. How many lives we spent in ancient America? Many, for sure. But, there was something else in my mind. I tried to focus on the reincarnation I had in the 2000's. At that time, I were a guy. I was all alone until I went to one of the poorest and most dangerous place in the world, the Northern Caucasus. At that time, I was a man, a hidden cross-dresser, always wearing pantyhose, secretly under my jeans.
All my life changes when I met Sandra. She was such a powerful smoking addict... she almost killed me because I didn't want to smoke. The next life, we were both women and we worn pantyhose too, even if it was a hot area. Then, again, in Ural East, when I were a cross-dresser and she was a woman. All times, Sandra was a smoking addict. But why?
Trying to figure out, I look at my sandals and at my feet, encased in the translucent and shiny membrane.
I remember the time when we were home or in the spirit world. There, it is impossible to keep something hidden. The way souls communicate is telepathy, not by words. Still, you can have a private conversation with someone if you touch that person.
In this life, I avoided using pantyhose almost entirely. All time, I worn sandals, exposing my toes. When I was with Sandra at home, we discussed how to meet each other here. I agreed to wear sandals and to make a bubble of gum when we will meet. Well, I worn sandals almost all time. I inserted this information in my sub-consciousness too much.
Then, I remember something else. There is a place where we must go, to review all our life, to see all good and all bad things we've made. There, in front of something like an old paper book, you see holographic images of your last life. Each time, you can put yourself into the skins of other people around you, to see how your actions affected them. You see all good and all bad things you've done through the eyes of others.
In my past life, I was in Ural East, as a man, but a cross-dresser. My addiction to pantyhose, which came from the 2000's, was still powerful. When I was a child, my parents were strongly against any cross-dressing... but I still practiced it. I was too shy to steal them from my mother and still too shy to buy them from a shop. We were in a less populated area. My addiction made me to do something else: I went to the place where people drop garbage and I searched for a pair of pantyhose there. I found what I was looking for. After a while, I went there again for the same reason. This happened a few times. Then, one day, my parents found out of my addiction. I was so sad, that I took them all to a corner of the forest and made a little fire. I burned all my pantyhose collection there, then I left. Well, the fire did not stop. It grew and burned two homes, leaving two families homeless.
I remember how my angel explained me that it was a very bad thing what I've done, that I left two families on the road. I realize it very clear. My angel wanted to make sure that I am sorry and I realize the bad thing I've done. It was the worst thing I've done in my last life. I felt very sorry for this. And I feel sorry now too.
I look at my feet. My toes, painted light pink, are hardly visible through the elastic membrane. Still, I remember how many times I was wearing pantyhose in my last 3 lives.
Sanrda's story
If you ask me how was my first day at school with new bodies, well, it was a big surprise. I thought everyone will laugh at me and I will end-up by the end of the day as a boxing bag. It was a huge surprise that things did not end-up this way.
I tried to avoid looking at anyone, to just reach that amphitheater as fast as possible. I was not running. And how could I? This new body has shorter legs. I have more precision on them, but they are slower. The same surprise I had when I took my sit. My arms are also shorter. I needed time to adapt. My hands were not going where I wanted to.
If you ask me what my colleagues thought about me, I tell you that they were very surprised. I did not have the courage to look at them, but I could hear them:
"Is that David?"
"On the fuck! He is a she?!"
"Don't forget, it's Sandra now".
"Wow! He has breasts!"
"He looks like a girl to me! At least with these clothes, he does".
"What a fuck?"
I went directly to my place and sat down. I did not bother what they were talking. I prepared the electronic paper, to take notes of what the professors will say today. Imagine that I did not move, I did not even dare to look the first professor in his eyes. When the pause came, I didn't dare to get out to the balcony and smoke, like I always did. Only at the second class, I dared to look. The professor used to ask us questions. Suddenly, he asked something and said:
"David?... I mean Sandra? Do you know the answer?"
I answered correctly. Surprisingly, everyone started to whisper, because of my feminine voice.
"Very good", said the professor. "But if so, then why ..... ?" he asked me another question.
I answered again, correctly.
"Good, Sandra. But try to pay more attention to what I say".
Wow! He called me Sandra and accepted me this way! I felt like I passed a big exam.
In the next pause, I could not resist the temptation and I went to smoke a cigarette on the balcony. Like always, I went to a corner, where nobody bothers with me. Colleagues were watching me. I could hear how they were talking about me, how they were looking at me, spying me.
After I smoked, I needed to go to the toilette. Where should I go? To men or to women room? I decided to go to men's room. with my hermaphrodite body, I can take a piss with either organ I want. Guys tried to avoid me. One said:
"David, I heard you have both a cock and a pussy".
I just ignored and moved back to the amphitheater, for the next course.
This time, I dared to look the professor in his eyes. I watched the lesson like always, starting to feel comfortable in this new body and with my new clothes. Then, the professor started to talk about History. He started to talk about one of the bloodiest incident in the early 2200's, when a terrorist organization managed to detonate 3 atomic bombs: one in Vatican, one in Mecca and one in Jerusalem, hoping to start world war 4, which almost started. Then he says, directly looking at me:
"I always thought what people were thinking during that time. Maybe you know".
Everyone was looking at me and I felt very shy.
"Sandra, where were you in that time?" the professor asks. "Were you on Earth?"
"I was 19", I answer. "We've seen it on the news and we were all very afraid. I was in Arabia and we thought that the Catholic Brotherhood was behind it. Everyone agreed that we must go to war".
Everyone starts to whisper, but the professor asks again:
"But the war did not happen", continues the professor.
"Yes, it did not happen, but everyone felt it very close. We started to dig tunnels. But then, we heard that Mecca was not the only attack and we realized that someone else did it".
Then, the lesson continues like before.
In the next pause, I go to the balcony, like before. Again, nobody bothers me. I light a cigarette and smoke quietly. Since I am shorter now, I cannot see like I did before. In past, I used to keep an eye for the bully. You know, it is not pleasant to be a boxing bag at all. Other colleagues were usually making fun of me when I was bitten. So, I had no chance to see him coming until it was too late.
"Oh, Sandra, look how sexy you are!" I hear his voice like from nowhere.
My heart stopped, my blood freeze, realizing that now things will be worse then ever.
"Say, do you want to go to bed with me?" asks the bully, as everyone laughs. "My dick is hard. What do you say?"
I don't even dare to look at him. I take a drag from my cigarette, remembering past lives. In the 2000's, I was a woman, but I had a very harsh life in the poor and dangerous Northern Caucasus. I was even part of the tobacco mafia. I cultivated tobacco or collected it from other peasants. I made cigarettes, packed them and smuggled them over border. It is like all this happened yesterday, not 500 years ago.
"Why are you so quiet?" asks the bully. "Would you give me a kiss, sweetie?"
Everyone laughs. But, I remember many other things. There was a guy from the alcohol mafia which tried to seduce me in the 2000's. I smashed him with a chair. Even if he was a godfather, he did not dare to tell anyone, thinking about his reputation. At that time, my body was shorter, similar to how I look now.
"Would you give me a puff of your cigarette?" says the bully, continuing to approach.
Suddenly, I remember how I smashed the balls of another guy. All guys who tried to seduce me ended in the same way. I even remember how, when I found that Julia was a hidden cross-dresser, I played a dangerous game. People believed I was a witch. So, I simulated that I missed a spell and made Julia to act like a woman, in face of everyone. After this, he could walk in public as a cross-dresser. Only that, people wanted to kill me for. Many times they screamed at me: I'll kill you! Why should I be afraid of this bully?
"Oh, you have tits! Am I wonder, how deep is your pussy?"
As he says this, he comes with a hand very close to my breasts. In that moment, I feel something I never felt. It is like the character from my past life came into existence. And in fact, it is not a character. It is me. I take a deep drag of smoke and blow it into his face.
"What's wrong with you, miserable piece of shit?" he says. "I will crack your pussy and you will suck my dick. Isn't that clear?"
I take the last drag from my cigarette, looking closer to him. I bitten guys who were more tough then this one. Why the fuck am I afraid of him?
He takes one hand and touches my breasts, feeling them and even squeezing them. Then, I instantly shout at him in a North Caucasian language:
"Leave me alone, infidel!"
I smash his balls with my sandal very hard.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" he says, trying to give me a punch.
"Die, idiot! Just die!" I scream in neo-Slavonic, the language of Ural East, hitting him hard.
It all happens so fast, that I almost don't realize it. In a few seconds, I give him all the punches I can in his stomach, then another powerful foot in his balls. And then, I find a chair and throw it in his head. I hear a powerful noise. He is down on the floor, with injuries on his head, trying to move away.
"I'll kill you!" he shouts.
"Leave me alone!" I say in an ancient American language.
He leaves, vanishing behind people.
"Well done, Sandra!" says a girl.
"Wow!" says a guy. "As a guy, you ware a scared cat. But as a woman, you are more man then a man!"
"What did you tell him, Sandra?" asks a girl, lighting a cigarette and offering me one.
"Where did you learn to fight?" says someone else.
"In a past life", I answer them. "I had no idea I knew how to fight until recently".
Suddenly, I was no longer that library rat and that book grinder people knew me. I became some sort of celebrity.
During the next class, I was no longer hiding. In fact, I started to admire myself. I started to look at my arms, covered with the elastic membrane, all the way to the joints of my hands. Beneath the desk, could see my blouse-dress, covering my body. My knees, covered with the elastic membrane, are visible too. I looked at my sandals, at my feet, covered with the shiny membrane. I was like a girl, but with a penis... and a vagina. I was no longer hiding myself.
After the next class finished, I went back to the balcony. I was like any student girl... or even more. I decided to smoke in a fetish way, to pose sexy, like I never did before. My feminine gestures, remnants from past lives, helped me a lot.
I remember myself at the railway university, posing in similar ways. Even older memories come to my mind, from when I was in other places. I started to feel proud of my body, of my feminine voice and of my new identity.
What I found the most surprising is that after I bitten that bully, I was no longer a nobody. In the next pause, he walked by, looked at me and did not dare to say a single word. He just moved on. I could see frustration on his face.
During the last pause and the last class, I tried to figure out something. In almost all our past lives, we were together. I told you before that before each reincarnation, we planned our lives, we planned how to get together, how to live together. We found one each other each time. And if we didn't, we tried the best in the next life. But now, I wonder: Are we alone? Isn't there anyone else we've seen many times around? Isn't there anyone traveling with us? And the answer came very soon.
In the old times, when we lived in ancient America, we were part of a group. This is how people usually reincarnate: in groups. And this is exactly what happened to us many times there. We were part of a group. We were part of a group of about 15 people, which always came together. The first time, we came to ancient Africa. Then, we changed group and moved to ancient America, where we spent most of our reincarnations before the arrival of Europeans.
Why souls reincarnate in bulks? Because they want to be with their friends. It is our freedom to chose where we want to spend our next life. However, we move along a certain evolution path. Each time, we try to learn something. Each time, we try to achieve an objective. Some of us spend many lives passing a stop, while others, in a single life, can reach the top of it. We evolved faster then others. This forced us to abandon our group.
At home, people like us are called 'wanderers'. We are usually not part of a group. Still, we followed a common path. After the conquest of America by Europeans, most souls moved decided to reincarnate in Central Asia and surrounding places. In the same way, many souls from ancient Greece and Roman Empire moved later to Western Europe and then to Northern America. We lost our group of souls, but still followed the same direction they followed. When we were at home, we could see it very clear.
Then, I realize something else. People are free to select the life they want to live when they are home. What they cannot chose, is when. I remember how many fought as hard as possible to avoid returning to Earth, but in the end, it is imminent. Wonderers have more freedom and can spend more time there. We can even chose to remain here, but this will stop our soul evolution. But still, why did we return? What is the reason we came? I cannot remember.
Narrator speaking
Julia and Sandra meet in the park like always. After they smoke together, they go, buy some food and return to their room. They are very tired, but very happy for passing with success their first day as hermaphrodites.
The truth always hurts (ancient saying).
Caution: contains scene of a murder, smoking scenes
The news about Julia and Sandra spread like the flash of a lightning. Televisions came, reporters asked them for interviews, many organizations wanted them to be their honorific members. In only a few weeks, everyone was talking about. Julia's transformation from a girl and Sandra's transformation from a guy, both into hermaphrodites, reached the front pages of many news corporations. Reporters were everywhere for a while. It was known as the surgery of the century.
But even more interesting, was the fact that they can now remember their past lives like it all happened yesterday. They remember the languages they used to speak. Linguists want to record samples for their research. Historians want to ask them key questions about the past. As everyone speculated, many aspects of the history are covered with false information, because the winner writes the history.
In the 2500's, many scientific discoveries, like the supercomputers able to read memories from past lives, proved that reincarnation is something real. For some people, this began a new religion. For others, it is a way of controlling people and oppressing other religions. What happened to Julia and Sandra is the best proof that reincarnation is real. Many scientists, studying this subject, wanted to visit Julia and Sandra, to take them interviews and to examine their past memories from past lives. Some, even offered them huge sums of money in exchange for an interview.
Once the professor heard about that, he decided to visit Julia and Sandra in their room. He waited them both to end their day at school, watched them and went directly after them. He knocked at the door and entered.
"Professor", said Sandra, "it's an honor to have a visit from you".
"Can we serve you with something?" asks Julia.
"No, my children", said the professor. "I came to you because you are in great danger. Stop talking to any stranger until you graduate the university! People are watching you and some are willing to kill you for the truth you can reveal".
"Who would do such a thing?" asks Sandra, surprised.
"Those from the HRF", says the professor. "The Humanity Reincarnation Foundation".
"But why?" asks Julia, surprised. "Isn't that the reason you transformed us, to reveal the truth?"
"Yes", says the professor. "But, the HRF is world's authority on reincarnation studies. They built a religion out of this, instead of using a scientific approach. Analyze their points of view and you will see that thy are saying lies. My life-long research proves that they are wrong. I am part of the Resistance, a group of scientists that seek the truth. You will reveal the truth, but not now. You have to grow, to graduate the university and then go to a safe place. There, nobody will ever stop you. Be careful what you say, even now, they are watching you".
The professor looks at them both, then says:
"I came to this life for a reason: to make you know the truth. You will no longer see me here, because my time is up. There is only one thing I can do to ensure your protection. The HRF wants you dead for what you know and for what you are. Stop talking about your past experiences for now. Just say that you need time to prepare yourself for the coming exams. Finish your school and then go to the place that is prepared for you".
After this, he opens the door, saying:
"Himalia base".
He leaves, letting both with many questions.
**********
The professor walks through the park, then calls a taxi. He asks the driver to let him on a road in the middle of nowhere and go. He stops on a small bridge, waiting. Soon, a hovering car comes. Two bullies, armed, step out of the vehicle. An old woman comes, looking to the professor.
"Professor Honorius", says the professor, "do what you are here to do and do it fast".
"I told you many times to stop", says the woman. "You know well that the HRF is against your points of view".
"All I do is to search for the truth", answers the professor.
"You know well the truth", says the woman. "There is no hell, there is no haven, we just evolve through our reincarnations with the purpose to prepare the future for the new world order".
"You are not in control of humanity's destine", says the professor.
"The Universe created us, humans, for this purpose. The Universe is alive and the Universe is God", says the woman.
"No", continues the professor. "You are wrong and my researches proved that things are different".
"Listen to me carefully, cause I am not saying this twice to you", says the woman. "If I hear any more lies from those hermaphrodites or from you, you will all die. This is not a warning! Reverse their minds, remove all fake data you've inserted to their brains, like the world of souls and the right to chose your next reincarnation. It is all false data".
"They are just children", says the professor, "but I am not. You might reduce them to silence, but not me. I will never stop talking as long as I am alive".
"That's enough!" says the woman. "If you don't value your life, maybe you value theirs!"
The professor looks around, looks the woman in her eyes, then says with a strong voice:
"I know you well. And you know the truth as well as I do. Once, we were partners, professor Honorius. We were part of the same team".
"We were, but I regret it", says the woman.
"All you do is for money, all I do is for science. And you know that we both met in the world of souls. You know very well what will happen to those who use their lives in a bad manner. Add bad karma over bad karma and you will reach the critical point, where you are too dangerous for another reincarnation. Just as happened to Hitler's soul. You will get to hell, aren't you? You are getting to hell and there is no escape from that, because there is no way you can change".
"Hell doesn't exist!" says the woman, almost shouting.
"Oh yes, it does", says the professor, whispering. "It awaits you, as well as haven awaits me".
The woman looks down, thinking for a while, then says:
"Perhaps you're right. Perhaps more. Save your life, cause if I don't stop you, others will kill you".
"What do you want me to do?" says the professor. "To tell the world that I lied? You know very well that I didn't lie with anything. But what will your bosses say if you don't kill me and tomorrow I will start a new thesis about reincarnation, exposing all your lies?"
"If you don't stop", says the woman, "those children will die. Are you ready to accept their deaths?"
The professor says: "Their deaths will only make the world suspect your conspiracy. People expect you to come to them and talk to them, but you didn't. Their deaths will make everyone more interested in what these two kids tried to say, questioning your lies. And most important, this will make people realize that you killed them. People will start to wonder, especially since it is not the first time someone is killed for knowing things you don't agree with".
"Bullshit!" says the woman. "The HRF is world's leading authority in reincarnation. But you, you are a nobody compared to me".
"Oh yeah?" says the professor. "But what if I write a thesis about this? How about Samantha, which you killed two months ago? What about Jim Thunder and Roger Whispers, which you killed nearly two years ago, only for speaking the truth?"
"I didn't kill you because we were together in many past lives", says the woman. "But now, this is it. It looks like now I will have to kill you".
"I know, that's why I am here", says the professor. "Just tell me. You know what will happen to you after death, you know how I fought several times in the world of souls to save you. Why are you still continuing this? You made a pact with the devils?"
The woman doesn't say a word, but she moves her head showing this is true. They stand for a while, without moving.
"Professor, what should we do?" asks one of the armed men.
The woman does not answer anything.
"Professor?" says the other armed man.
"I regret that I met you", says the professor. "You are a shame for my entire existence".
"Give me the gun!" says the woman.
She takes a weapon and throws a powerful jet of plasma. The professor falls down on the road, while the woman keeps shooting, burning his clothes and his body. She then hits the professor with her boots with anger.
"Sir", says one of the armed men, "I hear a vehicle coming. We should run!"
"That's what we will do", says the woman, after piercing a knife through professor's heart. "We've bribed the surveillance teams and the police. We should go now".
**********
When Sandra and Julia heard that the professor was found dead, burned and with a knife in his heart, they decided to keep complete silence. No trial started, no police investigations followed, all was left like if nobody was interested in the subject. Some televisions came to them and asked for an interview, but they refused.
A few days later, Julia and Sandra were called at the directorate, where the second most important person in the university told them in secret:
"I know what happened to the professor. As long as you are here, you're safe. But if you walk outside from the university, you are at your own risk. They will kill you".
"What should we do?" they ask.
"Keep silence. Explore your past memories and get yourselves prepared. Your time will come".
The most important person in the university, said something completely different to them:
"You two, shut up! You don't know what happened to the professor, you no longer remember anything from past lives and you get the best possible results at the exams that are coming! If not, I will send you back to Earth".
From that moment on, they kept silence. They spent the last year at the university, learning and trying to be the best students possible. Even at professor's funerals, they did not go, knowing that someone might be looking to kill them.
**********
But memories form past lives still came to their minds, each time more accurate. They could remember a lot of things with a shocking precision. Only that, now, they talked about this subject only in their room, where, it seems like nobody could listen. After a while, the press stopped visiting them at all. There are other more important subjects, like economic news, terrorist attacks and the colonization of other solar systems.
One day, they come from school, eat something and go directly to their room, to learn for the coming exams. After this, they sit on the bed. Both are dressed in the same way, with a blouse-skirt, elastic membranes covering their whole bodies and sandals, looking more like women then like men.
Julia lights a cigarette and passes it to Sandra, then she lights another one for herself.
"No matter how hard I try", she says, "I cannot remember the professor before we came to this life".
"His purpose in life was to illuminate us", says Sandra, blowing a cloud of smoke.
"He prepared himself for this", continues Julia, playing with her cigarette. "All his life, he fought for it. Maybe he will tell us after we return home".
"He did this for a reason", continues Sandra. "And he wants us to tell the world the truth, when we will be prepared".
"I am sure the HRF killed him", continues Julia.
"The HRF", says Julia with a bitter voice, turning on a portable 3D computer. "I tried to take a look at their official points of view. Wow, these people show a completely different story about reincarnation then the one we see. They say that reincarnation occurs almost automatic and deny the existence of home at all. They deny any haven or hell".
"But we've seen things far more different", says Sandra.
"Their official explanation for us is that the professor brainwashed us", says Julia, searching on the internet.
"Wait", says Sandra, seeing a picture. "You see that woman? Professor Elara Honorius, talking about us and accusing the professor for inserting fake data into our brains. I think I remember her".
"Me to", answers Julia. "People look similar between two incarnations. And souls look similar to their past reincarnation. However, after many lives, souls change their appearance and so do their bodies. But this woman, I remember her".
Sandra takes a deep drag and blows the smoke into the screen, trying to zoom in her image.
"I remember her", says Sandra. She appeared on TV during our incarnation in the 2200's. She wanted war against all Muslims for the nuclear attack in Vatican".
"Later, it was confirmed that the same terrorists who nuked Vatican also nuked Mecca and Jerusalem", adds Julia. "She tried the best to start a war against the Muslims, saying they are the only ones capable of such an abomination".
Julia takes Sandra's hand and searches on the internet about the Vatican incident. Yes, there was a woman, Eve Milano, which looks very similar, even if she lived in the 2200's. Shocking similar. Eve tried to influence all Christian states to start a crusade against Islam. She was a member and an active speaker of the Catholic Brotherhood. In the end, Eve was condemned to five years in prison for bribery. She gave a bribe to the speaker of an Islamic organization, to make dangerous declarations which could start a new world war.
"I know she is the same person", says Julia. "But it is hard to remember anything about her at home. Maybe she was in another place".
"I do remember something", answers Sandra. "I think I've seen her as a lonely woman, isolated from all of us. But nothing more".
"Usually, those who have made bad things in life, try to avoid everyone else at home and try to get to a new reincarnation as soon as possible", says Julia.
"Their angels keep them in a separate room for a while and try to make them realize all bad things they've done", says Sandra. "After the angel is sure that you realized how bad are the things you've done, it lets you enter home. Less then 5% of souls have a sociopathic behavior and feel pleasure in torturing others. But there is an even smaller percent, those who are so addicted on doing bad things, that simply are too dangerous and are locked in hell".
"I know", says Julia. "The main criteria is love. If you love and understand other people, you don't need to worry about anything".
They both light a new cigarette, looking on the HRF site.
"We ended our past life with a positive karma", says Julia. "We could stay there, but we decided to come back. We are here for a reason".
"I cannot remember anything", says Sandra. "I remember when we were planning this life, how we were standing in a room with many screens, where we could see our life, how we chosen our bodies, how we talked and placed all details about why and what will we do in here. But I cannot remember what we were talking, what is the reason we are here and... very important, I don't remember the professor at all".
"Maybe he didn't want us to remember this part", answers Julia. "Or, maybe he incarnated before us. I don't know. What I know for sure, is that he didn't lie us about anything".
We are guilty for all the suffering we produce to others. Following the orders like a blind horse does not excuse us from this (an officer in the 2nd world war).
Caution: contains a discussion about sexual relations in the future
Julia and Sandra graduated the Galileo university on Callisto - Jupiter with good marks. They are the first hermaphrodite couple ever to do so and the first couple in history to change gender from male (Sandra - David) and female (Julia) to hermaphrodite. The year is 2541.
But even if this is a historical first, the event was not a subject for mass-media. Only a few online newspapers wrote about it as a footnote. The only ones who realized this is a first and who tried to take them an interview, were those from Intersex TV and Free Soul News, both owned by some LGBT organizations. The two answered briefly about the subject. In fact, they focused on their mission, to go to Himalia and tell the world the truth about reincarnation and about past lives.
The professor told them to go to Himalia base. Those were his last words.
What is Himalia? Why Himalia base?
Himalia is an outer moon of Jupiter and it is considered the gateway to Jupiter. Cargo and passenger ships are huge, sometimes over 10 km long. Such ships cannot land on a planet and moon with high gravity. So, they ferry between space stations. The inner planets and some large asteroids have their own orbital stations: Mercury, Venus, Earth, Ceres. However, where a moon is suitable for such a task, the station is built on a moon. Mars uses Phobos, Jupiter uses Himalia, Saturn uses Helene, Uranus uses Perdita and Neptune uses Halimede.
Himalia is a small moon, with a diameter of only 150 km and with a very small gravity. Despite this, the base is huge, with many platforms built for ships of all sizes. It has all the facilities required for docking, transshipment of cargo and passengers, for hosting people waiting for a ship and for repairing damaged ships. Nearly half of the surface is covered with buildings and there are many structures built underground. Everything that Jupiter exports and imports, goes through Himalia. Almost every person that comes here, be it settler, tourist or someone just passing by, goes to Himalia. Even more, this moon hosts the military force of Jupiter Federation, which has the task to stop terrorist attacks and to deflect comets and asteroids that might pose a risk to the other moons. A significant police force is stationed here to stop traffickers which try to smuggle drugs, forbidden technology and people.
Once they come here, Julia and Sandra realize why the professor sent them here. It is the safest place in the Solar System. It is impossible to leave Himalia without a checkout. Everything is recorded on cameras. Nobody can attack anyone here. With so many police and military forces, it is impossible to kill someone and get out from the moon.
It is easy to find a job here. It took them just a day. Sandra got a job at traffic surveillance, while Julia found a job at cargo transshipping. Both will sit in front of an interactive screen and will collaborate with many people on the base, both in the rooms where they will work and by radio. Finding a home was also not difficult. The base offers apartments to all workers for the time they will work here. Their apartment is small, but much larger then the room they lived in at the university. It is built underground, in the same place where all employees live. As they soon found out, on the route from work to their apartment, there is no place where they can be alone. People are walking in all directions. The base is crowded all the time... and still lacks the needed personnel.
The first days at work were very hard. Ships come and go in large groups when planetary alignments allow for the cheapest passages, which occur all the time to a destination or another. Then, they started to adapt to this new environment, to the almost complete absence of gravity and to the ever-crowded places that surround the base.
Soon, the two realize that they have a great opportunity. They have a job that provides them with enough money to sustain themselves and they have enough time to explore their past lives and write about them. Here, they are perfectly safe. They can write all their memories here, safely, at home. nobody will dare to attack them on Himalia.
**********
The following part is added by request.
Many people would ask what kind of a relationship is between Julia and Sandra? Since they both are hermaphrodites, what kind of love can be between the two? Is it a platonic relation or do they have sex? Well, in the 2500's, things are far more different then in the 2000's. Many violent incidents changed the history of sex in these 500 Earth years. Sometimes, mass media can change the way people see things in only a few years, but 500 years will change things dramatically.
After the AIDS, the world witnessed four major diseases transmitted by sex in the 2100's and early 2200's. All ended-up with millions of deaths. Religious leaders showed that this was a punishment from God for our sinful way of life, while doctors failed repeated times to find a solution to the problem. In a desperate attempt to solve this, governments recommended people to stop having sex with untested partners and turn towards masturbation to calm down their sexual needs.
In the 2200's and the 2300's, something else happened. The industry of sex invented sex toys that can offer far more pleasure then the conventional intercourse. Virtual reality companies developed virtual environments that are more attractive then the real world. Sex moved from reality to the world of simulation. The development of virtual sex was sponsored by many governments, desperate to stop the four viruses that were transmitted through intercourse. However, this came with a major problem. People turned from real life to virtual relations, from sex to simulations. The rate of marriages decreased dramatically. Far less children were born, until the world seen a massive depopulation coming on all continents.
Then came the space colonization era, in a time when human population was decreasing dramatically. In the late 2300's and in the 2400's, the new states fought for independence from Earth. It happened. Then, the new states started a campaign to attract settlers. Since world population is decreasing, the new states tried in any possible way to force women to have children. In many cases, sexual aggression was tolerated, abortion was banned and people were forced to have children. As a direct result, the four sexual diseases, together with AIDS, appeared again.
Things changed again in the late 2400's. with a strong women's emancipation movement. Surprisingly, not only women, but also many men protested on the streets of almost every town. In many cases, protests ended-up with violence. People were mostly shouting two things: couple life is old fashioned and sex is old fashioned. Sexual minorities strongly supported the campaign.
In this time, governments turned to a new idea: growing embryos in incubators and then growing the artificial children, to compensate the lack of population. It is a very expensive process, still. These are called cloned children.
Now, in the 2500's, this campaign lost power, but it already made strong transformations in the society. The way people perceive sexual relations in the 2500's is completely different. Classic intercourse is far more rare, but on the other hand, virtual sex and the use of sex toys is extremely common. These methods offer more satisfaction, since they are able to produce a much more powerful orgasm, but are almost harmless for others. Sexual abuse in the 2500's is extremely rare. Almost everyone prefers the new approach to sex, even if the correct word should be improved masturbation. There are many couples which experienced classic intercourse only a few times in years.
In the 2500's, having classic sex is something less accepted, while oral and anal sex are considered almost as abominations. However, modern sex, as people call it, is very common. Sometimes it happens even in public areas. There are places where modern sex is done in group, like certain areas on beaches, designated places around clubs and not only. Public sex (in fact public masturbation, sometimes with the help of toys), is something tolerated in society, but only in certain areas. Even in high schools and universities, such places exist. Children are taking sex lessons at school, where they learn that classic sex is very dangerous, with risks of diseases and risks of getting pregnant, while modern sex is a natural way to release hormonal pressure.
Even more, there are many cases when modern sex occurs during parties or with friends. Even in many families, children do this while their parents are around or with their brothers or sisters, without feeling it as an incest... and technically it isn't.
The introduction of modern sex changed things beyond anything. Now, it doesn't matter if you are heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual or you belong to any sexual minority, since intercourse is something very rare. This stopped almost all conflicts between mainstream population and sexual minorities.
So, to answer the question. What type of relationship is between Sandra and Julia?
At a young age, they started exploring the modern sex, after they heard about it from school or from their parents. They practiced it for many years, when they were on Earth and later on Jupiter. Being very shy, they never went to buy sex toys, but each of them had a computer and each could easily visit a virtual simulator.
After they transformed into hermaphrodites, a few things changed. First, they wanted to explore their sexuality. This happened very soon after surgery. Without any toy, they produced themselves an orgasm on their new organs. I don't know if this happened while they were alone or together for the first time. They never told me in detail about their sexual life. What I know is that, for them, an orgasm of one genital triggers the orgasm of another genital. So, after a female orgasm, the male orgasm comes in seconds and vice versa. Also, I know that, at some point, they tried to have classic sex. Since they are hermaphrodites, they could easily change roles, who will be the man and who will be the woman. I asked them about double penetration and they did not want to answer anything. I presume that they prefer modern sex, but still practice classic sex sometimes.
Well, this is less important for our story. The important part is that, in the time they stayed on Himalia, they finally found the truth about reincarnation, about the world of souls, about where we come from and where we ultimately go, about who is in charge of all this and about the origin and fate of the Universe.
There are so many things in this life that we don't understand (The Oracle - Matrix).
Caution: smoking scenes, limited erotic scenes and violent memories from past lives
2542, Himalia - Jupiter
Julia and Sandra sleep together in their home on Himalia - Jupiter. They start to wake-up, kissing, cuddling and touching themselves. They are in love. The fact that they are both hermaphrodites does not block their feelings.
Sandra moves her hand down and finds Julia's penis to be erected. She starts playing with it, then with her pussy. Julia feels the pleasure and twitches, then she also moves her both hands to play with Sandra's genitals. Sandra moans of pleasure, kissing Julia in response. They keep doing this for a while, knowing that it is not time to go to work yet. It doesn't take long until they reach their orgasm, which occurs nearly at the same time for both of them.
Then, they lie on bed, still very sleepy. Suddenly, Julia screams in a North Caucasian language:
"My children! For the holly name of Allah! Why my children?"
"Julia, are you ok?" asks Sandra.
Her scream made them both wake-up. Julia has tears in her eyes and looks scared.
"I remember our lives in the 1800's" she says, shaking. "Our 3 children, all died of starvation".
"It's ok", says Sandra. "I am here. We are safe now. Drink some water".
Sandra comes with a box of water. In low gravity, like on the tiny moon Himalia, you cannot drink from a cup or a glass.
Julia drinks some water, then goes to the bathroom to wash herself. A spray of cold water on her face wakes her completely. Then, she lights a cigarette. A small trail of smoke gets out of her nostrils, then she exhales on her mouth.
"Sorry", says Julia.
"No problem", answers Sandra, preparing something to eat. "I know, in the 1800's, we had a very hard life. We died of starvation and so did our children".
1861, Northern Caucasus
It's still night, but morning will come soon. Junit and her husband Aiub are sleeping together. They start waking-up and as this happens, they start to kiss and cuddle. Their kisses become more passionate and they start making love.
After this, they lie in bed for a while. On another bed, near them, their three children sleep together. The sky turns from black to dark blue. They wake-up. Aiub looks around, grabs a piece of cheese and some cold cornmeal, then starts dressing-up. He knows that there is not much food left, so he carefully takes only enough to temper his hunger. He takes his cloak, checking if he has enough bullets left. Not many. He takes his gun and the sword, then kisses Junit and leaves, to take his horse and go to fight.
Junit wakes-up completely after his kiss, saying:
"May you come back safe and may your sword be red!"
Aiub gets out of the house and takes his horse. He knows the bitter truth and tells it to his horse, Bziu, like if talking to another person:
"My friend, we are only a few hundreds to keep the gorge protected, but the enemies are tens of thousands. We don't even have many bullets left. We have to sell our blood for weapons".
Not long ago, they lived in a village downstream from the gorge, but the Russians invaded with a huge army. It was not quite a battle. They burned the crops, they poisoned the fountains, they used artillery against the former village. When they came, they burned the village and killed anything they found. Those who managed to survive, ran to the mountains, hoping the gorge will hold on.
From the mountain path, Aiub can see beyond the gorge, where the valley is larger, where once he and his family lived peacefully. Now, a Russian village is being built.
"Poor Junit! My children, they don't know".
**********
Junit wakes up and prepares some food for the children. She milks the cows. This is all they have: milk, cheese and some cornmeal. Then, she hears noise. Two men come, one riding a donkey and one riding a horse. Junit looks very afrade, knowing what this is all about.
"It is your turn", says one of them.
"No!" screams Junit! "Why me? You said it will be only for those who don't fight well!"
"I know", says the same man, "but we run out of bullets. We have to sell children to the Turks".
Junit screams, but she knows it very well things must be done this way. The two men take one of the children, which screams, wanting to remain home.
"My children! For the holly name of Allah! Why my children?" screams Junit, falling on the ground.
2542, Himalia - Jupiter
Sandra gets dressed for work. She looks at her body, covered in a black, elastic all-in-one, lights a cigarette and touches her foot.
"What is wrong?" asks Julia.
"Nothing", says Sandra, blowing a small cloud of smoke. "I remember when that bullet pierced my leg, in the war".
"It all belongs to the past", says Julia. "We know why we chosen to live in those mountains".
"I know", continues Sandra. "I want to take boots today, it makes me remember those riding boots I used to have".
"I will go bare foot today", says Julia. "This is how I walked around the house".
Sandra takes knee-long boots and changes their color to black, while Julia makes her blouse-dress to be white and long, reaching to her ankles. They go to work.
1862, Northern Caucasus
Men are fighting to protect the gorge, to keep the Russians from advancing. A fierce battle. 150 people try to hold behind an army of thousands. Suddenly, they run out of bullets and gun powder. Now, they only have their swords. Men try to form a barrage in the gorge, fighting against bullets and cannons.
Suddenly a bullet pierces Aiub's foot. He falls down, screaming of pain, but this saved his life. Just above him, a cannon ball passed, hitting a huge rock. Other men advice him to move behind.
But where to go? Just behind them, a large group of Russian soldiers appears in the gorge.
"Someone betrayed us!" whispers a man.
"someone showed them the path in the forest", whispers Aiub, hardly moving.
Everyone stops fignting. One general comes with a translator, saying:
"We have you surrounded. But since I am a man of mercy, I give you a choice. Take your families and go to the sea. You will be shipped to the Ottoman Empire. If not, your village will be erased from the face of the Earth".
This was it. The end of the fight. The soldiers forced everyone from the gorge and from the village to a march towards the sea coast.
2542, Himalia - Jupiter
Julia arrives at work like usually. One of her coworkers asks her:
"Oh my gosh! Where are your sandals?"
"We move around by flying and grabbing on handles on the walls" she answers. "Walking in low gravity like here, is impossible".
**********
Sandra arrives at work and starts her job. At some point, a coworker comes with pancakes.
"Want some?" he asks Sandra.
"Yes, thank you".
"You like them? I don't. Next time, I will no longer buy from that shop".
"They are very good", answers Sandra.
1862, Black Sea Coast
The whole village, together with many other villages, arrive to the Black Sea shores. There, carefully guarded by soldiers, they wait to be loaded on boats and shipped as refugees to the Ottoman Empire. They wait for many days, without food. Some try to eat roots and leaves.
Many people can no longer walk. Many have fever and diarrhea. The soldiers are treating the refugees worse then animals, beating them and screaming them, to take the deceased ones into the sea.
In those days, the sea became red of all the blood that was wasted into it.
Junit and Aiub lose their second child, a boy, which dies of starvation. Now, they only have one child left.
Finally, some boats come, taking those who are still healthy. Those who are unable to walk, are dropped in the sea.
"The fish had a feast with our brothers and sisters", says an old man. "We shall never eat fish".
**********
The boats, filled up to the limits, carry the survivals. Many still die of starvation and diseases on the way. But, when they arrive, what is to see? You arrive in a strange land, with no food and nothing to do. And that new land is poor.
In desperation, Junit and Aiub decide to sell their last child a girl, on the price of a goat. Even if this is very hard, they realize that this is her only chance to survive. She will end-up as a sex slave in a harem and will die soon.
Julia's notes
It was the hardest life I ever imagined. I worked all day long for a little bowl of soup. I could see corpses anywhere, people died of starvation and diseases. It was like a bad dream that never ends. But this was not over for me. In 1866, I was still beautiful, despite having such a harsh life.
Then, a Turk took me by force, raped me and killed me. That was a painful experience, like the death of our three children.
How could I resist to all this? The answer lies in something that many people will not accept: bilocation. As we incarnate, a part of our souls remain home, in the spiritual world. A soul puts only part of its energy into a reincarnation, keeping the rest at home. In that time, because of too much suffering, my soul decided to start another, much more happy life. I lived two lives at once, one very happy, of a woman, a fortune teller. I came to the Northern Caucasus in 1829 and died in 1866. But, in the day our first child was sold for weapons, in 1862, I incarnated again. It was a short life, which ended in 1901. It was that life, with its happiness, which kept my soul on balance. Without it, I couldn't survive.
When I finally returned home from the parallel life, Sandra was waiting me.
We decided to reincarnate in the 2000's, but we changed roles. I was a man and Sandra was a woman. We returned to the mountains. Still, the pain from that rape, combined with a sexual abuse in the 2000's, made me be a sfenist.
The beauty of those mountains and the pain that we've lost them, made us return there.
Sandra's notes
What can I say? My life in the 1800's was very painful. The death of our children, the death of my wife, the fact that we were force to leave our homeland... With one injured foot, I could hardly work anything. I fought to survive and died in 1885, of starvation.
What is the reason of all this? Why did we chose to take such a harsh life? Is it because we had a negative karma from past lives? No. We went there for a reason, to learn a lesson. To learn about pain and suffering.
One might consider souls like insects. A butterfly is beautiful, but until it evolves to that stage, it has to go through many small stages, each one looking like a worm. Insect larvae grow, then enter a sleep, when they change skin, then grow again, like if they went back to life. This is how the cycle of reincarnations work, just like the many stages of an insect until it becomes a butterfly.
Still, there is a major difference. Some people learn their lessons, some don't. Those who understand their lessons well enough, can fly in a single life through many stages. Those who never understand it... or worse, keep on doing the same mistakes, may never pass even the first stage.
Narrator speaking
Each evening, Julia and Sandra write about their past experiences. They write personal memories, then write some paragraphs together, as a conclusion. This is what they wrote about their lives in the 1800's:
The main lesson we have to learn is love. We have to understand to love and accept others as they are and don't interfere with their freedom to chose their paths. This is the lesson we are here to learn. There are other lessons, of course, but this is the most important. Everything else derives from here. Once you got this lesson, everything opens around you.
It is true that people reincarnate usually along the same lines and in the same groups... and that they usually return home in the same groups. Changes occur over time, mainly if a soul rises and falls too much in understanding the law of love.
What happened in the 1800's, was a huge genocide. The nations of the Northern Caucasus almost faced their doom, but their souls survived. And just like most people from Central Asia, they are reincarnations of native Americans that lived before Columbus. Again, what happened to native Americans was also an act of genocide.
Are these people made only to suffer?
No. Their harsh experiences helped them erase any negative karma and earn a lot of positive karma instead. The lessons they learned helped them upgrade their souls to a next stage much faster then others.
What happened to those who committed the genocides?
In a short answer, just what happens to students who fail their exams: repeat the class.
Note from the author: It is incorrect to judge a whole nation. Even if most people will follow a certain path, there will be many exceptions. I am strongly against racism and discrimination. I just want to point out an important lesson about the many anthracites we see in history and their effects on our souls, from the perspective of reincarnation. Also, I want to point out the existence of some soul highways. It was statistically proven that most (but not all) people from a place of the world or from an ethnic group followed common routes in their past lives:
Highway 1: Ancient Greece & Roman Empire - Western Medieval Europe - Northern America
Highway 2: Ancient Persia - Byzantine Empire - Russia
Highway 3: Chinese people, staying in their Geographic areas.
Highway 4: Europe, complex movements inside and surrounding the continent
Now, I am trying to show the existence of highway 5 and that many people from places surrounding the Aral Sea basin actually lived in ancient America.
If you ask a man on the street to tell you an important figure from World War 2, the answer will be Adolf Hitler (a newspaper, 1999).
Caution: smoking scenes and limited scenes of violence
In the 2000's, thousands of people claimed to be the reincarnation of Hitler. Some came with shocking proves. Is there an explanation to this? Is Hitler walking among us? If not, when will he return? And where did his soul come from?
Sandra returns from work and finds Julia on the way. They both get home, eat something, then light a cigarette. Sandra is dressed with a shiny, black all-in-one, which covers her body perfectly. Only the skirt is white and adjusted a bit longer then her knees. She wears black knee-long boots. Julia wears a white blouse-dress, which also copies the shape of her body. The skirt, which is black, is adjusted above her knees and the sleeves are set short, exposing her elbows. She wears white sandals. Sandra painted her nails in white, while Julia in black.
"Do you remember when I came from the 1800's reincarnation?" asks Julia, blowing a cloud of smoke in the room.
"I do", answers Sandra, taking her cigarette to the mouth. "You died before me, but you came later".
"Because I decided to take a parallel life", continues Julia. "I did this while still living on Earth, because I could not support the pain, to see our children sold".
"I did not know at the moment, but I waited you", answers Sandra. "I died in 1891, old, sick and starving on the streets of Istanbul".
"We suffered a lot, but it worked", continues Julia. "We upgraded our souls from green to blue level. And so did our children, they passed into a higher level, because of all the pain they suffered".
"I know", answers Sandra, playing with her cigarette. "But the price... how much sufferance. I am amazed we could survive without going insane".
"But there was one soul that everyone was talking about", says Julia, letting a trail of smoke out of her mouth while speaking. "That was Hister. Everyone was talking about him. Even you, when we met again at home. Remember how everyone was speaking about him?"
"The bloodhound is out!" says Sandra. "That was the word, the bloodhound is out. Everyone called him Hister there".
1945, souls' home
There is a place which souls call home. This is where they come after each life. The home is huge, complex, a whole universe parallel to ours. There, time is not flowing in a linear way. Centuries there can be second here... and seconds there can be centuries here.
In that huge place, a part of our souls stay while we are in our universe. We never leave home completely. As we arrive, our angel awaits us and takes us to a separate place, where we can see what good and what bad we did in life. After this, after making us understand the importance of our choices, we can enter the main place, where souls of our friends and not only, are usually staying. There are huge rooms where we learn and where we prepare for our next life.
How does home look like? Everyone sees it differently. The purity of your soul, the total amount of good and bad things you carry (your karma), all influences the way you see that place. It is a place where a few meters become light years and light years become meters. Distances are irrelevant, just like time.
What brings us here from home? It is the negative karma we carry, together with the desire to evolve, to upgrade yourself. And for evolved souls, it is the will to help others.
How does a soul upgrade? By learning the lessons of each life. Some require many lives to pass a single level, while others require a single life to pass many levels. The main lesson is love, to love and understand, to respect every living creature and not interfere with others' freedom. Still, there is a way to upgrade without love, but very hard. Some souls follow that path, but the price paid is huge.
What are the levels of soul evolution? Many tried to categorize them, based on various principles. It is not a step-by-step evolution. In fact, it is a continuous line. The best analogy is the rainbow, which can be divided into seven colors, plus the ones before and after visual light. As you slowly move along the rainbow, the color also changes gradually. So, there are no two identical souls, placed on the same level. Still, if we make an analogy with the color, we can divide souls into a few distinct categories:
Level 0: infrared, before achieving human form.
Level 1: red, youngest soul. Their task is to integrate to themselves.
Level 2: orange. Their task is to integrate with the others.
Level 3: yellow. Their task is to understand what karma is.
Up to this level, souls integrate in our world. Beyond, they focus on helping others, they interfere with the others and think more about others then about themselves. Also, when they are home, they start to receive tasks in our Universe.
Level 4: green. They learn how to manipulate inorganic matter.
Level 5: blue. They learn how to make bacteria and life.
Level 6: indigo. They learn how to supervise others, both working in our Universe or at home.
Level 7: violet. They are able to create matter.
Beyond this level, a soul reaches a very high level and is unable to reincarnate, becoming invisible to inferior levels.
And now, back to Hitler.
Julia and Sandra are at home. Because all the time they evolved faster then the others, they lost connection with former friend souls they lived with. They are called wanderers, free to incarnate when they want. Their harsh life in the Northern Caucasus in the 1800's allowed them to pass from level 4 to level 5, which also allows them to visit places that were forbidden for them before.
So, when Hitler died, they, drawn by curiosity, came to see it, just as his soul reached home.
"You were given a chance, Hister!", says his angel, with much compassion.
"Die! Just die!" shouts Hitler with anger, trying to hit anything around, including himself.
Julia and Sandra watch from distance, together with many souls, trying to see what is happening. Hitler's soul is not listening to anything, trying to kill everything around. But, how can you kill something here? So much anger, so much frustration, but also an incredible pain. It's the pain for all his bad decisions, of all the people he made to suffer.
"If you realize you've done much bad things, there is a way for you", says the angel.
"Die you all!" he shouts. "I know this place. I've been here before. I want to get back!"
"There is no way" says his angel. "If I let you, you will do the same. You've done too much bad already. The hell awaits you".
Communication between souls is not by spoken words, it is telepathic and it happens instantly. And it does not include just words, it includes also feelings. Still, if two touch each other, they can have a private communication. Hitler talks to his angel something this way, but the angel answers loud and clear, so that everyone can hear:
"No!"
"I did all this for a purpose", he continues. "My intentions were good. I wanted a new world order. And now?"
"You committed suicide", answers the angel. "This more then doubles your bad karma. I wonder how many lives you need to pay for all this".
"I will have my time".
"Not now", says the angel. "Among those who are here, many suffered from your hands and your orders. They should judge you".
Now, Julia and Sandra realize why there are so many souls around. Millions, watching the whole scene. Just a look in their eyes and you can see it all. You can see their last life, their homes destroyed, villages burned, their deaths and their lost ones.
"Stalin is worse then me", tries Hitler to defend.
"He will have his time and he might pay harder then you", says the angel. "But now, it's about you. As should be correct, they should judge you".
There are many souls around. Some of them still have a life going on Earth, some are completely returned. Surprisingly, there is not the hate one would expect. At home, everyone realizes the importance of love. On the eyes of almost everyone, the answer can be seen:
"Give him a new chance if he feels sorry for all. If not, keep him away from Earth, he will do worse things there".
Julia and Sandra touch each other, to have a private conversation.
"He is too proud to accept".
"Then, what will happen?"
Hitler tries to lie, but it's impossible. Here, words don't exist. You try to speak, you release even your most hidden thoughts. Everyone can see even beyond his last life. Before this, he lived, over 2100 years ago, as a ruthless military leader. He was Hannibal of Cartagena. He had no mercy to kill his own soldiers for disobey. And at the end of that life, he also committed suicide. When he returned home, he had no will to rebuild his life and ended-up in hell. Much earlier, 2100 years ago, he also lived as a ruthless military leader. But at that time, history was not written yet all over the world, so he remained unnoticed. In that life, he was also a mass-murderer.
"You really don't want to change your life?" asks the angel.
"No!"
"Then, you know what will happen. I have to send you to hell. You've been there before, Hister. You know the place".
The angel takes him to another place. Could be thousands of km or only a few steps, at home distances are not measurable. A huge door opens to another universe, which brings fear to any soul. Inside, everyone can hear horrible screaming, which comes from the heart of those in there.
"This is your last chance", says the angel. "You will come out of here only when the world will need you again".
Without saying anything, he walks through the opened door and vanishes in darkness, screaming worse then the others. He tries to kill himself, but it is impossible.
The door instantly closes after him. Soon, it's silence.
What is behind that door?
Julia and Sandra don't dare to look inside, but they realize the truth. All the pain comes from the heart, from the soul itself. It is the bad karma which hits you and makes you suffer worse and worse. The pain can take material forms, like a sea of fire or a sea of worms, but it all comes from your heart. For those in there, it should be enough only to regret the bad things they've done, to sincerely want to change, but they are too filled with hate and anger. They go there because they chose to. It is their freedom. It is their pride which closes their mind that keeps them locked in hell. Nothing else.
Down there, you see in your mind everyone which you made to suffer, which you hurt in any way. A heart full of anger will never accept that you are wrong. Instead, the anger grows even more. What can be done for those souls? Nothing.
And there is something else inside: demons. Fallen angels. Why? Because of their hate and anger. Angels lived before our universe came into existence, but some of them chosen hate instead of love. It is the hate that fuels the flames of hell, the hate in everyone's heart, living inside.
"Why was he released from hell, if he doesn't want to change?" asks Julia an angel.
"Because it had to be like this", answers the angel. "Demons and bad souls are released sometimes because their actions bring more good then bad".
"What?" says Sandra, shocked. "What good can bring this monster?"
"The first world war", continues the angel, "ended with the freedom of many states of Central Europe and Middle East. What Hister did, marks the end of colonial era. A whole continent was ruled by European powers. Soon, whole Africa and all European conquests over the world except those of Russians, will be free".
"And the Northern Caucasus?" asks Julia, thinking about her last life.
"Not yet, but will be, one day. If those who destroyed your life will understand the bad things they've done, it will all happen peacefully".
"And Hitler?" asks a soul.
"He will be released one day, to correct something bad that humans will be doing on Earth world at that time", answers the angel. "Then, he will return behind these doors by his own will".
Hitler was not the only soul from hell sent to Earth at that time.
Well, why so many people think they were reincarnations of Hitler? The answer is that there is an universal database, where all memories of the whole humanity are stored, like in a huge library. And just like in a library, people tend to read some books, while others are never opened. It is that database that we many times open and falsely believe we have memories from past lives.
2542, Himalia - Jupiter
Julia and Sandra wrote on their computer the memories they had about Hitler, which in the world of souls is called Hister.
"But haven?" asks Julia, finishing her cigarette. "We should write something about it too".
"Haven is also inside your heart", says Sandra. "You can feel part of it when you are at home. If you have no bad karma to pay, you can go there if you wish, but the desire to upgrade your soul will call you back here one day".
"I know", says Julia, remembering. "We can all see it when we are home. All the happiness comes from your heart and can take material shapes around you".
"We will go there one day", says Sandra, holding Julia in her hands. "There will come one day when we will no longer return here".
As they write about haven on their computer, they realize something else. The professor changed them from a girl and a guy into two hermaphrodites. A man could only see things related to men, while a woman, things related to women. In order to see it all, you have to be something between. Throughout time, they chosen to have various genders. Now, as hermaphrodites, they can see it all, clear, like nobody else could see.
Note from the author:
Two girls were sitting at the lake, near the shore. Both had a green dress and green hair. Their pantyhosed feet were touching the water. With one hand, they were hanging each other, while with the other, they were holding their cigarettes. One of the girls is me. The other was not a girl at all. He is my husband.
This is inspired from a real life story. People and places have different names and the story is partially changed. The story is seen through the eyes of a girl who discovers a hidden cross-dresser and helps him be happy. You will find two fetish themes:
Smoking
Pantyhose
Also, the story is focused on a rare sexual minority, called the sfenists.
The story is divided in two parts, each one with several chapters.
Part one contains the words sex and masturbation, but no such scenes are described. It can easily fill under general public audience.
Part two contains some explicit scenes, that are sexy, not erotic, referred to sfenist love. Still, in many regards, it is suitable for general public audience.
It will take time for me to write all chapters, so please wait.
Smoking And Pantyhose
Part 1, Chapter 1
If everybody walks the same path, find another one. If nobody follows your path, make sure you are not lost.
The Wiseman
My name doesn't matter, everybody knows me as Ana. I am a woman, just a bit over 20. I graduated the University and got a job close to where I once lived, in the mountains, on an industrial railway station. Life just couldn't got better for me. I stay in this industrial station, I change switches, such a simple job. A train will pass at a few hours, the rest of time is mine. Time to read, play on computer, gardening and whatever you want. And all with a modest salary. Easy money!
You can find anything you never expected in these mountains. People speak many languages, have many religions. We are at the gate between East and West, between Christianity and Islam, between so different civilizations. Here, you thought you've seen everything and realize you don't know anything about this place. Everyone is so friendly... but everyone might kill you.
Today I sit in front of my station. It is a late autumn, but still not cold. I sit on the bench and smoke. And I love to smoke, which gets out of my mouth and nostrils. I wear a dress and as I smoke I watch my hands. "Nicotine is getting through my vines all the way through my body", I thought. "It moves up to every single cell, to each finger." And then, I looked at my feet. Wearing a knee-long dress, I can see my feet through demi-opaque pantyhose. "How are you, toes, today?" I whispered. "Mom will give you the nicotine you so strong need."
As I laid on the bench, I let a cloud of smoke from my mouth towards my feet.
I continue to smoke. Then, I check the rail signals. A train will come from the mountains, taking miners down to their villages. And yes, in 4 minutes, it arrived. The old, rusted wagons stopped here, carried by an over 50 years old engine. A few people move out from the train. But wait. Among them, there is a different guy. He seems to not know the way around. The others move away, only he remains.
"Excuse me" he said. "Do you speak English?"
"Yes", I answered amazed. Here people speak so many languages, but nobody ever spoken to me in English. "What are you doing here?"
"I work on Geological research at the mine."
So strict, but shy... What is with this guy? Maybe he is from a completely different civilization I thought, as I watched his shoes, part clean and part dirty.
"You don't seem to be from here. Where are you from?" I asked him starring in his eyes.
"From over the sea" he answered.
"I see... Take a seat. I have just this modest bench. Do you want a cigarette?"
He sits down near me. Doesn't want a cigarette, but I insist... and he takes one, but without smoking. That is strange. He doesn't seem to watch me like the others. I've seen many guys around, but the vast majority will try to seduce me... without knowing that I am a sfenist. Not this one.
"Where are you heading?" I asked.
"I try to find a place to stay. There is too much noise in the barracks. And too much alcohol. And many indecent things."
"Indecent things?"
"Yes. Some guys came with girls and had sex there in the sleeping rooms, with all of us around. This is crazy."
There is something different about this guy. I see no sinful desire in his eyes. Majority of strangers from over the sea are looking for cheap fun. Not this one.
"And how are you supposed to find a home in this village if you don't know the language spoken here?"
"I don't know. Buy, if you don't try, you get nothing".
"I can help you" I said. "You can sleep this night there, just over the river. That house is mine, I have a bed in the kitchen."
"Thank you. How much should I pay you?"
"Nothing. I do this to help you. Helping a traveler is something in our tradition."
"Thank you. I never seen so much kindness in my life."
I invited him. Houses here are small and the kitchen is a separate building, which can occasionally have multiple uses. That evening and later in night I talked to him until late. There was something different then any other guy. He was not trying to seduce me. Not at all. But still, I can feel a hidden desire. Sometimes, his eyes keep looking at my feet... and looking, but always hiding from my eyes. For the first time since I graduated the University, I found a person which also graduated an University, even if over the sea. And he is smart, in all domains. He knows about religion, about Geology, about Math, Astronomy, about Biology. So many things. We have many things to talk about.
I can feel a hidden desire to be with me. Not to sleep with me, but to be with me. For a second I ask myself: Could he be a sfenist? For sure, he has no intention to harm me and not to steal anything.
Late in night, I move back to the house, eat and smoke. I know that in the morning at 3 AM I must be at the station, when a train carries the coal downstream.
Morning comes. The train hardly puffs up the hill. Now, let's make some food for our guest. I want him to remember the kindness of the people from here. "Come on, Ana, honor your guest, just as anyone should do" I said to myself. So, I run to my parents' house and make a fast breakfast, with cheese, vegetables, bread and a glass of milk. "Hope he likes this..."
"What if he steals anything?" I asked myself. "If he steals anything, I have the right to request him punished. Better check out myself." So, I decide to enter the kitchen.
He was dressing up. I immediately moved out, saying sorry and "I have breakfast ready!", but there was something different. I thought I seen him wearing pantyhose. What??? I am not sure. At the University, we had a guy who was gay, I also knew two lesbians, but never seen this. What is this guy? Or maybe I didn't see it right. Maybe he didn't wear pantyhose. But I want to find out. At school, we were encouraged to search and find answers... and I want an answer. And the same question arises: Is he a sfenist? I keep thinking until he opens the door. He looks scared a bit... or caught(?) or I don't know to read his face?
"Good morning", I say. "Did you sleep well?"
"Yes, I did. Thank you. It is the first time I sleep in such a small room."
I give him breakfast and we both eat. Then, I light a cigarette and give him one.
"Take it!"
"I don't smoke. Thank you!"
"You know, it is not polite to refuse. It is like cursing someone."
He takes the cigarette and keeps it in his hand. He lights it, but does not inhale.
"Workers train will arrive in 40 minutes. Before that, you will hear the radio beeps. We use Morse code".
As he answers, I notice that he takes a fast look at my feet. Is he looking at my pantyhose? Let's test him somehow... And I have an idea. After we eat, we go back to the station, to the bench. I light another cigarette and force him take one. I remember he talked with passion about Astronomy. So, let's give him something to work on...
"You told me that the Americans have sent a spaceship to Pluto."
"Yes. New Horizons."
"Can you tell me more? You know, the last planet is far away..."
"The probe passed Pluto this summer..."
As he starts a monologue, I pretend to listen to him. I take off my shoes and put my feet up on the desk, just between me and him. Immediately, his eyes move to my feet. But when he sees my eyes were watching him, he immediately looks in another direction. As he continues his monologue, I start playing with my toes. It takes time until his eyes look back in this direction.
He has a pantyhose addiction. I've never seen this before.
As the morning train comes, I ask him to return at evening. He can sleep another day. I wait the train go and return to my cabin.
"Why, Ana? Why have you done this? People from over the sea are not serious." said my shadow.
"Let's see what he does. Let's investigate this specimen. I thought I've seen everything, but still nothing" I answered without voice.
"What if he will steal something? What if he abuses you?"
"I don't think it. Maybe he's gay, Shadow. But gay people don't behave like this." I light another cigarette, take a deep drag and keep the smoke long inside me. "Maybe he is a sfenist, Shadow!"
"Come on, you know that no more then one in 3000 is a sfenist. What is the chance for two sfenists to meet? 3000 X 3000 = 9 million! Don't be ridiculous, Ana. It just is impossible. Accept what you are and that there is no way to find another sfenist around."
I take the cigarette out from my mouth and put it between my toes, watching as pantyhose shines in the light of the sun. "Here you are... Who knows, maybe you could make a new nicotine addict!" I convinced so many people to start smoking over time. I used to keep a record, but there were over 100. Why not to convince this guy too? Maybe my feet will work.
But what if he falls in love with me? I start laughing. What a jerk! How many guys tried this? As soon as I see they are trying to go to bed with me, I cut it short and deep through what hurts the most.
There was that rich guy from over the sea, Stromboli, which made a fortune from black market tobacco. He tried to get his way to me, until I smashed his face with a pan full of pizza... Oh mine... and that pizza I made was for him to eat, but he deserved it that way. And that guy from over the ice, Igor, which always had a lot of alcohol in his body. He had a lot of money and thought he could buy me. I liked him giving presents and money, but I knew what he had in mind. I could see in his eyes. And one day, when he insisted to have more then just kisses, I went to get some vodka... and smashed the bottle in his head. "Damn it! Call an ambulance!" he screamed. "Get out of here, infidel! How can an ambulance come here, at the end of the world?" I answered. And don't forget the worst of worst, Ahmed, the guy from over the sands. He tried to do everything to impress me. And this took over an year, but I knew what he wanted in fact... to sleep with me. Until one day, he forced me. I smashed his chick so hard with my nails, then I gave him a hard knee in his... organs. Then I got out from his hands and I started beating him with my feet, with all the anger in the world. Too bad he didn't die. His crying made some people to come and saved him.
We'll see at the evening, stranger, what will happen.
Everything has a shadow and that shadow is the only thing you have when you are alone.
Legend of the light shadow
Again, I am where I stay most of time: around the railway station, waiting for the beeps that will signal a coming train. I am in the kitchen, cooking something. I light a cigarette and keep it in my mouth, while my hands handle the ingredients and the tools needed to cook. Some smoke gets into my eyes. No problem, I am so used to it. Earlier, my parents came here, as they do in every day, to see if I am ok. They also smoke, but not as much as I do. So, we stayed and enjoyed a cigarette, while discussing about this stranger.
"You know, Small Wonder, people from over the sea are thinking different from us. You told him to stay this night too. Just be careful", said my dad.
This is how my parents call me. Small Wonder. This is because I am shorter then my brother and my sisters, as a result of underage smoking.
"I just want to see what is in that guy's brain", I argue. "If he is another infidel with too much testosterone, you know what will happen."
My mother laughed. "You know, guys burn around you like cigarettes. Many of them wanted your hand. And all you gave them is fire."
"And smoke", I added. "I gave them what they deserved. And you know why. I am a sfenist."
"I know, Small Wonder, but sometimes it breaks my heart", said my mom. "It is in part our fault you are what you are. I wished you were not alone."
"Nobody is alone", I say, blowing a thick cloud of smoke. "We all have our shadows."
"From all our children, you've got the most far. The other kids hardly followed a high school. You are the only one that got to an university. And you survived with your own money", said dad proudly. "And you survived by selling this" he sais, showing me his burning cigarette. "You could have a much better life in the civilized world, but you chosen to return. You know better what to do. Just do as your soul wants. If you want to study him, do so. If you want to kill him, just don't let tracks. If you want anything else, may all the gods be with you and give you a good idea."
I take a metal pot out of the oven. It smells so good, but never as good as my mother's. But doesn't matter, I want to be independent. Then, I put a tray full of cookies. Then, as I close the oven's door, I take the cigarette out of my mouth and exhale.
What time is it? Should the train come soon? First, a cargo train with coal or iron must come, then the passenger train with the stranger. As I think about what to do, I look at my feet. Should I change to another type of pantyhose? Yes, to see if he observes this. I take a new drag from the cigarette and go to the house. How about a light color? Better. I look at my feet below my knee-long dress. Should I look at the computer? I type 'men wearing pantyhose' on Google search and I get a lot of articles. So, that guy is not the only one. Let's try something else: 'pantyhose fetish'. So many videos are there with this subject.
The cargo train comes, with a new engine, moving slowly on the old and unrepaired railway. I immediately communicate with downstream and upstream stations, then hail the engineer to go. As the train vanishes behind the trees, my mind is done. If this stranger will be friendly, I will be friendly too. If he will try to seduce me looking for sex, I will have no mercy and hurt him in any way I can. And I want to know if he really wears pantyhose.
*****
Up at the mine, the stranger is at work. He examines samples from the mine and notes from a laboratory. He models the mine on a computer, talking to his coworkers about what they found. And yes, they found copper close to where the iron ore ends. Then, they take a break for lunch. He sits out, on a big rock, with other people. Nobody calls nobody on its name. Everyone in here has a nickname nearly as soon as he comes to this place.
"So, Atan, where did you slip last night?" asks one of them.
"I found a place at Callisto station. At the junction with the line to second coal mine".
"In that small village? At who?" asks someone else.
"I slept at the girl who works at the station".
"Oh mine! Oh, I don! believe it!"
"What is it, Kebab?" sais Atan surprised.
"You slept at Ana? This is impossible!" almost screams Kebab.
"Ana is her name?"
"Not Ana. In fact, Nicotiana", sais the first guy. "She will force you to smoke like a thermal plant".
"If you manage to survive that long", sais Kebab. "Will he survive, Norris? I think he will go back here as scared as a rabbit followed by a trillion wolves".
"She will kill you, man", sais Norris. "Just ask Bagdad what happened to him. Oh, he is right here. Tell him, buddy, will you?"
"That bitch. I wanted to date her. She smiled and agreed, we went to a romantic dinner, everything was ok. She invited me to her home. I thought 'Lucky you, man! She is so pretty!' but no way..."
"What happened, Bagdad?" sais Atan listening.
"As I tried to touch her breasts, she said: 'What do you want?' I said: 'I love you!' and she said short: 'I am not here for your entertainment'. And as I tried to kiss her, she smashed my face with so much power, like she was a man. The next second, she took a chair and started beating the hell out of me. I managed to go out and she said 'Leave me alone, infidel' and I moved away. She followed me with an axe until I left the house".
"We are at the end of the world, folks", sais another guy. "People here have so strange ideas and mentalities. I wish I will get my money when we are done with this mine and walk back home from this madness".
"I have no intention to go to bed with her", sais Atan short. "I am just looking for a more quiet place to sleep".
"Well, in the night you were gone, we had a lot of fun. That girl, Tatiana, you know her".
"That's why I left. I needed some sleep", sais Atan with half of his voice.
"Maybe you are gay".
"Cut it off, Pegasus! He is not gay. If he were, you would have your ass exploded by now!"
"He is not into men, not into women, pals. Atan, are you castrated?"
"No".
"I will bring a girl here and see it with my own eyes if you are able to do something to her or not. I will pay for the bitch."
*****
The evening passenger train should come soon. I hear the radio beeping. It left the upper station. A few people are here, on the platform, waiting the train to come.
"Hey Ana, I heard you have a new victim", said a 30 years old guy.
"Yes, you can say so. It depends on him if he uses some manners or I will put his guts on the fence to dry".
Yes, I try to be rude with guys that have too much testosterone. I give them what they deserve. Only my parents know that I am a sfenist. Nobody else. But even if everyone thinks I am the strangest person on the face of Earth, I don't care. Finally, the train arrives. I see it. I immediately go to the radio and signal upper and lower stations about it. Then, I get back to the passenger platform and here he is. A bit tired I see. He immediately looks at my feet. I have open-toe sandals and light pantyhose. A bit too cold for this time. I light a cigarette.
"Welcome! How was day at work?"
"A bit harder then usual. We found copper."
"That is good. Come on, I made something to eat".
"Thank you. Your generosity is far beyond anything I've ever encountered."
"No. This is how people from my ethnic group treat strangers".
"I think I need to pay in one way or another."
"You need to pay me?" I answered laughing. These strangers, think all is about money. "The only thing I need is you to be happy". And that is right.
I put the meal on the table. Milk and cheese based products, with vegetables and bread.
"This is your traditional cuisine?" he asks.
"Yes, but I adapted. I am more a milk-vegetarian. Not much into meat. And you know meat is not so good".
I just wait him to finish all food. Then, I serve the cookies with a cup of milk. Then, I invite him to stay on the bed in the kitchen. I stay near him. I take my sandals off and put my feet up on the bed, very close to him. I watch as he watches my feet.
"Come on, take your shoes off and put your feet up in the bed. I bet you're tired" I say.
"It's ok, I can stay like this" he sais.
"Don't argue with me. Put your feet up on the bed!" I order.
"My socks stink. I don't think it's a good idea".
He looks embarrassed, but I want to find out what I need to know. So, I take his feet up by force. Then, I light a cigarette and say:
"Now let me guess. I see you like looking at my feet like no other guy before", while putting back my feet in the bed and holding his feet by the shoes with my hands. "And I have a feeling..."
I hear him trying to say something.
"You are in my house, not me in yours. Stop complaining like a kid".
It starts to look like fun. He looks a bit scared or I don't know. I look in his eyes. He is like a cornered rabbit waiting for the wolf to find him. I take his pants and start turning them up, exposing the feet. And just as I expected, where the socks end, something smooth appears in front of my eyes. Pantyhose! How about it! I take a deep drag and blow the smoke over his now exposed pantyhose.
"Nobody has ever found this", he sais with a scared voice. "How did you... notice? Just don't tell anyone. Nicotiana! Will you?"
This name shocked me. Where did he know? Most of sure from those people at the mine. Well, they got what they deserved. I stop moving my hands and look him with a smile.
"It is the first time I see a man wearing pantyhose. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone. I just wanted to know why you do this. And I found out that you have a pantyhose fetish by the way you look at my feet."
His face changed. So surprised. Well, I always like to be a step ahead the other people.
"So", I say again, this time smiling and trying to give him a good mood. "What is your story? Why do you wear pantyhose?"
"Well, it goes many years ago. I started wearing them when I was a child. I think 12 or 14 years. I liked the way they look. Well, I think I've seen pantyhose on girls, from there. I wanted to wear them. I use to sneak my mother's. Then, I found pantyhose in the garbage, washed them and worn. And then. I decided to buy my own. I like the feeling on my feet and... I don't know. I became addicted to this".
I take my foot near his and compare them. So interesting... A man addicted to pantyhose. Just like I am to smoking. I am thinking at my best words. I made it! I opened him up! Now, let's take all the information, all the juice out from him.
"Don't worry", I say. "You are welcome. I like to learn new things and talk to unconventional people. I never knew there is a pantyhose fetish and there are men wearing pantyhose. Honestly, I appreciate your effort to keep your addiction hidden." Then, I look at his exposed pantyhose again, with a smile. "You know, I also like the feel of pantyhose on my feet. You can see that I am wearing them. I like how it feels to rub your feet one to another. Just don't worry about anything".
I look in his eyes and he seem like saved from a car crash. But then, the radio beeps.
"A train is coming. I need to prepare the switches. Make yourself comfortable and take off your shoes and socks. I want to learn more".
I move out to the station and change the switches. It takes about 10 minutes from when you hear the radio and the train arrives. Then, I move to the center of the platform, lighting a cigarette. A train composed of two engines and about 30 wagons struggle to move upstream. The engineer shouts:
"Hi Ana! Have a good night!"
"See you in the morning, Frederic!" I answer.
I contact nearby stations, then throw the used cigarette and move back in the house. And as I expected, I find this guy, with his shoes and socks removed and with his pantyhosed feet exposed. He even turned up his pants to the knee. I examine his feet. So much hair on them! If you look from some distance, they look nice, but from close... all that hair is not good.
"You are the only person who found out", he sais. "Not my parents, nobody at the university and nor my coworkers managed to find out this.
"No problem. Nothing will pass me. Just tell me. What do you think of pantyhose?"
"They are amazing. I wish men would have the right to wear them too. I love to watch women with pantyhose. Well, not the women. Their feet."
This is something. Not the women, but their feet? Could he be a sfenist?
"Why not the women?" I ask. "Why don't try to get a girlfriend with pantyhose, so you can watch her all your life?"
"I am not a bull running over cows" he answers.
"Have you ever touched pantyhose on a women's feet?" I ask him.
"On a few occasions".
Now comes a hard moment. On a few occasions? I take a long drag of smoke and almost digest it, together with my thoughts.
"Are you married?" I ask, already knowing the answer will be no, from his eyes.
"No".
"Do you have a girlfriend?"
"Now? No".
"Did you have a girlfriend?"
"I had, but never found one to worth it. All were just looking for money. I don't like that kind of people".
Oh mine, he might be a sfenist! Now, let's try the impossible. It almost makes me shake.
"Sorry to ask you... But are you even a bit gay?"
"No, I am not gay. I never liked gay people. Seen some in my life, but never liked what they were doing".
"I knew it. But it looks like you are not much into women, either. This is very interesting. You love pantyhose. One would expect you to try the best to seduce a girl wearing pantyhose, but instead, you decided to actually wear pantyhose. You changed the woman with the idea."
"You are smart. It almost looks like you can read my thoughts from my eyes".
"In fact, I can" I say. He doesn't know my training in physiognomy reading. "I also love to study unusual people, sexual minorities and unconventional thinking. Well, I have to say it to you, directly. Are you a sfenist?"
He took a few seconds to think. "I don't know what that is".
"Well..." This left me without even air to breath. Air? I need smoke, to give me strength. So, I light again and take two short drags. "Well, I don't know the exact English term for this." Again, I need to focus a bit. Take another drag, you need it, Ana! "A sfenist is... a sexual minority."
"Like gay?" he sais very surprised.
"No, not quite. There are many sexual minorities. And the largest of all are the asexual people. This include all people who cannot or feel no pleasure in having sex. Asexual people include maybe more then normal, or heterosexual people and by far more then homosexual groups. Think about all the children and all the elders. But there are many sub-categories among the asexual people". I need a break, to take again two drags. "You know what an impotent is?"
"I do. A person that cannot have sex".
"More complex that is. A structural impotent cannot have sex. A functional impotent can have sex, but cannot make children. People in the second category can have a family life, still. But there is a third category and they are called sfenists. It is something very rare and always is caused by something that changed one's life beyond recovery."
Again I take two drags. This is hard for me to say, a secret that has haunted my entire life. Does this stranger deserve to know this? I might tell him what a sfenist is, but not tell him that I am one.
"A sfenist is a person that has the genetic and biological power to mate and have children, but has not the psychological power. A psychological impotent."
As I say this, his eyes are starring at me. I can see he is amazed, surprised and trying to hide a secret. What does this pantyhose man hide?
"Well, sfenists are rare. About one person in 3000 is one. And by far, majority are women." I again take a deep drag and the smoke enters my eyes. "A sfenist is not born this way. They are made. I never seen one born as a sfenist. Usually, there must be something traumatic. A rape, a pedophile, an abuse very powerful to turn your life into hell. Not everyone can recover from this. Many people will never be able to have sex ever again." I take the last drag from the filter, all tobacco is gone. "I know a woman. Her husband realized that he is gay and abandoned her after 20 years of marriage. The shock was so hard that she became a sfenist. Some will never be able to have sex again, some will do, but it will be a pain and not a pleasure".
I put the filter in the ashtray.
"But there are also other kind of sfenists and in this category we find maybe more men then women", I say. "It all starts in early childhood. If the parents decide that your destiny in life is to learn, they will cut you off from all the pleasures of life. The only thing that matters is to learn. School and nothing else. That is your purpose in life, to get to the best university. However, this ends with deep scars. As the child grows up, it feels sexual attraction it its body, but cannot dare to look for love. Some might not even realize what love is. You see a girl in pantyhose, you think you like the pantyhose, but in fact the first feeling you had was for the girl. What remains for the child? It grows up, but cannot date someone. But hormones exist in your body. And so, at some point, the child will learn how to masturbate. And here comes all. This is self-satisfaction. As time passes, it becomes harder and harder to get a date. And after many years, they find out that they don't satisfy their partners in bed and even that... they find almost no pleasure for themselves. Masturbation satisfies them much better."
He listens all I say, carefully. Then sais:
"Do you think I am a sfenist?"
"Do you feel like you are one?" I ask.
"I don't know. I think you answered better then I ever could, where my attraction for pantyhose started. Who learned you all this?"
"An 60 year old psychologist woman. I cannot tell you if you are a sfenist or not. You are the only one who can figure it out".
"I guess I am. I fit into second category. At school, I was a book grinder. My parents inspired me this behavior. But, there is something else. Since you seem to read through my eyes. As a child, I've been abused by a gay person. It took me years to recover. Even now, when I smell the sweat of a man, I have butterflies in my stomach. But I think I survived and left this behind".
I think he deserves to know now.
"People from the mine have told things about me, that I don't give my heart to anyone. And that I've attacked guys who tried to touch me. Now, you can see why. I belong to the first category. And you are the only one in this village to know. I chosen you because I smelled that you are a sfenist too. Never ever tell anyone this".
"I won't. Ever".
It is now getting late. I leave him to sleep in the kitchen again, while I go to the house. But it's hard to sleep now. For the first time, I found a male sfenist. So unexpected. I get to bed and light a cigarette in the night. Looking at the dim red light, I wonder... Will I make him smoke? Will I make his lungs happy? Sure I will.
How is to be a sfenist?
Pain. Just like watching your death. Just like Vesuvius destroyed Pompeii beyond recovery. But the real pain is just starting. Those who survived the volcano lost all they had: the ones they loved, their homes, their fortunes. They had to start a new life and rebuild all... but as a different life... if they ever recovered.
A sfenist
The radio beeps and I wake up. The 3 AM train is coming. This happens every night. This is why I never sleep in night clothes, but with a dress that would suit for outside somehow. I get out of bed, light a cigarette and cross the river to the station. The train passes like in every day, as the engineer hails me. Usually, then I go back to sleep until past 6. But not this time.
Is this stranger really a sfenist? Better be, if he wants to live. I stay in the station, on the bench. It is dark outside. No light, the sky is dark. I take a deep drag from my cigarette. How I became a sfenist? That horrible incident that transformed a cute and polite girl into what I am now. That infidel (may his soul rot in the deepest infected part of hell). When he lied that he wants me to help find forest fruits. Then, he started beating me, put his socks in my mouth and took the knife to my neck. I was only 12 or 14. Then he raped me. I look in his eyes and all I could see is not pleasure, just a demonic instinct. His eyes were burning like the shores of hell. Oh. Even after all these years, I cannot recover. My body starts shaking and I feel cold through my body and sweat. May his soul suffer forever for this!
But that was nothing compared to what was to come. For months, I had nightmares. I woke up many times screaming, dreaming about snakes from hell, covered with something slimy and entering my mouth. My sisters could not sleep with me any longer. My parents prayed to Allah, prayed to God, prayed to our ancient gods, to all spirits, all saints and all angels, but I needed a long time to recover. For a long time, I could not tolerate an adult male closer then a few meters from me. One day, I went to the reservoir to have a bath. When I seen adult men resting on the shores, taking a sunbath, I started shaking and ran away immediately.
I take another drag from my cigarette, thinking again. Years passed, but in vain. Many things changed, but not all. At high school, guys were looking after girls. And why not? Some of them were really handsome. So, I said to myself: Why not? There was one who really was interested in me. We went to a park and he started to touch me. It was like worms were getting out from his hands and covering my body with a slimy infected goo. Then, he moved his hands towards my breast, close to my neck. Immediately, I took my purse and hit him so hard in the head. It was not me. It was my body, rejecting him. I hit him probably 10 times, then shouted: "Leave me alone, infidel!". He looked at me surprised and scared, while I was crying.
Each time some guy tried to touch me, the same happened. I hit him with anything I could.
When the news reached school, there was a TV series running, Xena, the warrior princess. So, I become Xena! only that I had no boots. Guys tried again to flirt with me. But one day, in the school yard, one guy, Abdul, tried more then made sense. He was always looking for me and I could see in his eyes all the sin, like a flare. He touched my neck just where that infidel once hung his knife... and in the next second Abdul was on the floor and I was beating him with my feet. At that time, there was another TV show: Andromeda, the destroyer of worlds. So, I became Andromeda.
I became proud of this. Hey, one guy sent my life to hell, now I am making all guys to pay for this! Just what they deserve! I became an androgin (a person that hates men).
I light a new cigarette, still sitting on the bench in the dark cold of the night. I look at the cigarette... What gave me a new identity? What saved me? Smoking. Yes. The cigarettes. I was long called Princess Nicotine from school. At high school, this became Nicotiana. And later, as a shorter name, Ana. When I got a job on the railway, I lied and wrote my name as Ana.
From time to time, people said I needed psychological treatment. They say sfenists can be cured, if they are treated immediately. It is only in part true. We can be treated, but we never recover. And if this is not done fast, there is nothing left to do. But what good to make love with a guy if you feel only pain and remorse? Why should I? Just because everybody does it?
Then came light into my life. At the University, I had some extra classes of Psychology, that allows me to work in a school. There, I found an old teacher, who was talking to us very openly. So, I came to her and told her my life. What she said was the light of my new life. Just as when you light a cigarette, it comes to life.
"You are a sfenist, my dear", she said.
She explained me what a sexual minority is and that we, sfenists, are just like any human, only that we cannot have a sexual life. Or if somehow we can, it will not be pleasure. She told me about other sfenists that she found. Even more, she decided to take me to a sfenist couple. Incredibly, they had a child, made artificial. I was amazed of the love I seen in their eyes. Much more affection then in classic couples!
I meet a few sfenists, the vast majority of them girls. All were happy and trying to help. One of them told me:
"Vesuvius destroyed the town of Pompeii beyond recovery and the ocean destroyed Atlantis beyond any chance of salvation. There is no way to rebuild a life that you've lost. Instead, accept what you are and be a friend of yourself. Build a new life, starting from what you are now. It will never be the same, but it will make you happy".
From that day on, I am Ana, the sfenist. The only people that know this, are other sfenists and my parents. And the teacher who saved my soul. I am Ana, Nicotiana, Princess Nicotine. My purpose in life is to help other people with anything I can, but all idiots with extra testosterone should know that this kindness is doubled with the sharp blade of a sword.
I remain on the bench for too long. What time is it? Once there was a cigarette in my hand, now there is only a filter left. Soon will be morning. I look at my feet, covered with a layer of pantyhose. The toes are not visible in this dim light. I must go to the house and put on day clothes. And for the stranger, what sort of breakfast should I make?
So, I get in the house and take a longer skirt, but short enough so that he can see my feet, booties and a sweater. Now, I directly enter the kitchen and start making breakfast. I wake him up. Well, sorry, this is my kitchen after all. This morning we have eggs!
"Did you sleep well?" I ask.
"Yes, had some bad dreams..."
"Don't worry! Well, my chicken made some eggs and this will be our breakfast, with a glass of milk and two slices of bread. Hope you like it!"
"Never wished for more. At the mine, in mornings, I used to eat a pretzel or a pack of biscuits".
"Good you are not into meat!" I say laughing "cause we don't have much anyway".
"No problem, Nicotiana".
"Come on, move out of bed! It is starting to get light outside" I say, trying to take his blanket away.
"One second..."
"You have nothing to hide, I know about your pantyhose" I say with a big smile. "So, just let me see!"
He does as I said, staying on the bed and exposing his pantyhosed feet up to the knee. I sit on the bed near him until the eggs are cooked. Then, I take our food on two plates and give him one. I sit near him, on the bed. We eat quietly. But I feel he wants to say something. I can see this in his eyes. I just wait and eat in silence, thinking of something. Maybe, just as smoking gave me a new identity as Ana, pantyhose gave him a new identity. Who knows? If this is the case, his life is strongly connected with this. But only if he really is a sfenist. If not, I will be giving him his eggs to eat for breakfast.
We finish eating and I take the plates and wash them in a plastic basin. Then, I take two cigarettes: on for me and one for him. I know he will only light it and not smoke, but... I must be patient. He will smoke one day or another. I have to make him used to this.
"Nicotiana", he sais, "I must confess something to you".
"Please, tell me".
"You are the only person in this world that I have the closest".
I look amazed in his eyes and almost I drop my cigarette from my fingers. What is this?
"You are the only one in the world that I have. And you are the only sfenist that I know" he sais with a trembling voice. "This is the truth and you are the only person in the world that showed me it".
I can see his eyes getting wet. This can't be!
"What happened in my life, nobody could understand, even if I told some people. Even my parents never understood" he sais with a bit more secure voice. "I told you I was raped by a gay at high school and I never recovered. For years I had problems. One day, in summer, I was in a minibus. It was hot, people were wearing as little clothes as possible. Smelling the sweat of other men and seeing their exposed skin... made me almost starting to kill people there. I said I am sick and ordered the driver to stop in the middle of nowhere. I moved outside and started to throw-up. The driver waited me to recover or to call an ambulance, but I didn't want. I just walked 7 km on foot to the nearest village".
I look amazed at him. Yes, he really is a sfenist.
"The real reason I am here is because I ran away", he sais. "I ran from my parents, who forced me to get a normal life, to go to psychological treatment and even forced me to have sex. Now, you know all".
He stays unmoved for a few minutes. I light another cigarette. Then, I gently touch his head and his hands.
"Don't worry, there is nobody that can harm you here. You've come to the end of the world, now it's time to end your former life that you could not follow and start a new life. It is time to be you. Time to discover yourself. Just as I did at my time. Just accept that you, like me, belong to a sexual minority and you cannot follow a classic life. Think for a second about the gay people".
"Gay people?" he answers surprised and with some anger. "A gay did this to me and sent my life to trash".
"No", I say. "Do you know that there are sfenists who are gay? Gay people are not good or bad, they are just people, like anyone, like us. The one who destroyed my life was not gay. And at the University, when I found out that I belong to a sexual minority, I came closer to a group of homosexuals and lesbians to understand them. Beside their unusual intimate life, they are humans, like all of us. Nothing bad is with them".
He looks at me, amazed. "For half the night I couldn't sleep. I was only thinking about what you said, that I am a sfenist".
"The same happened to me when I realized this. Just try to understand that you are different. And stop listening to people who try to force you out of your way. Just be yourself. Ok? This is the way. Build your new life based on what your heart tells you to do and not on others".
Then I look again at his pantyhosed feet. I directly touch his knee and feel the soft fabric.
"I suppose your pantyhose addiction has something to do with your trauma".
"I built this addiction stronger after that incident. Yes, you might be write. Who knows how my brain acted".
"Well," I say "Maybe your new identity wants to be more feminine. Maybe this is your new you. If this is the case, then don't hide. Accept what you are! Not accepting will only make you suffer".
"Maybe... I don't know. In part, yes. But it is also that I want, in a sort, to become the woman I dream to have... well not a real woman, an imaginary one. As a sfenist, there is no way I can get into a strong relationship".
"I have nothing against if you want to wear a dress or make-up or expose your feet. After all, people think I am crazy and some think I am a witch! They will say I made something to you".
Saying this, makes me laugh. And I laugh... and he laughs too.
"You know, I did this, but behind closed doors. I dressed-up with woman clothes from my mom. The only thing I do wear is pantyhose, because they are easy to hide, they are cheap and I have this addiction for them".
"I noticed your addiction. And to make you happy, I have been wearing pantyhose every day and night from when you appeared".
"Oh, you shouldn't do that" he sais surprised. "You have done already too many things for me, that I will never be able to repay".
"You don't need to pay me anything. Just to listen to what I say and that's all. I want to help you".
But the train is coming and he has to go to the mine. Before this, I tell him to let dirty clots (pantyhose included) for me to wash. So, I move out and let him dress for work. We go to the station when the radio beeps. The old, rusted passenger train struggles to climb these mountains to the mine, over these damaged rails, never repaired since they were laid here. He enters the train as I light another cigarette.
*****
At the mine, our stranger (or Atan as miners call him) arrives and looks tired. At the lunch break, coworkers come to eat near him.
"Hey, Atan, it looks like you survived. But why are you so tired?" sais a worker.
"Maybe he did something last night, folks" sais another one.
"No, no. Just... we talked a lot".
"Wow! You talked a lot? And did not touch her? Did you kiss her?"
"No".
"Beat it, man! She is the hottest girl in these mountains and you are sitting face to face with a goddess? I don't believe it! If I were you, I would have put a pillow on her face and rape the hell out of her".
"Come on, people", sais Atan. "She is not into this. We talked about the mine, about the world where I come from, about stars, Astronomy..."
"Stars, astronomy? I think she is doing something to you. Get out, buddy! Will you? I never seen a man to be with her and leave in one piece".
"Well, if I die, you guys drink a beer for me, cause I won't be able to drink it".
Everyone laughs.
*****
Like every day, my parents come to me at noon. They check if I am ok. We do little exchanges: I give them vegetables and they give me milk, I give them handmade cigarettes and they give me homemade bread. Things like that.
"Small wonder, I went to the mine and I've seen this guy", my dad says. "Also, I talked with Rudolf and Hans, the two Germans from Ganymede. He is someone important. He came here to help geological research and for sure he will move away. He only works at the for a limited time".
"Al I want is to help him. He is a sfenist".
"What?" say my parents amazed.
"It is not like that. He ran away from his world. Just as I did".
"Maybe my prays have been listened", says my mom.
"As long as he is here, I want to help him. You know what the Quran and the Bible both say. Helping others is important and is the purpose of my life".
"It is your life", says my dad. "Do what your heart tells you, but be careful".
My parents leave and I start doing house cleanup. I wash clothes in two plastic basins with my hands. Then I put his clothes in the kitchen, on the bed. And even more. I pick a skirt that is too large for me. Maybe this will make him happy.
At evening, as I wait the train to come, I start talking to my shadow:
"What do you thing this will lead to?"
"He won't leave" my shadow answers.
"So, he will remain here".
"I think so".
"Maybe I should also listen more to my heart. If a man can wear pantyhose, then I can do my wildest dreams. I am obsessed of green. How if I paint my hair in green?"
"Your parents will get angry".
"I don't care".
The train comes. We meet at the train platform and move to the house after I radio call nearby stations and let the train to go. There, I show him the washed clothes. surprised, he changes and takes the skirt. He looks somehow strange: half man, half woman. The upper part of his body is that of a man, but the lower part is of a woman. Only that I need to do something with his hair. That doesn't look good. But even so, he is amazed and thanks me for all this.
We eat together, on the bed, with our feet up. Our toes even touch one each other. All I see in his eyes is satisfaction, happiness. "This is, Ana! The reason you exist is to make people happy!" I say to myself. After I eat, I light a cigarette and give him one too.
"Please, Nicotiana, I don't smoke".
"You should", I answer.
"You know what smoking does to your body".
"I never believed that".
"But there are so many doctors saying this" he insists.
"I don't care. Neither should you".
"When you will be 70, you will see I am right".
"My grandparents have 80 and smoke and they are healthy. My great-grandparents smoked all their life and... one was shot, one died in a railway accident, none of smoking".
I take another cigarette and light it, then I put it between my toes. The image of pantyhose and cigarettes should turn his fetish on.
"I think our addictions could work together just fine", I say. "Just look. I have been wearing pantyhose always, to make you happy. Now you should start smoking for me... if you want to make me happy".
"I don't feel any attraction to smoking, even if holding a cigarette between your toes was amazing".
This makes me angry, but let's hide my anger. I have to be patient.
"suppose you drive a car" I say. "And the car starts moving out of the road. What do you do?"
"I turn the wheel in a different direction, to stay on the road".
"Very good. Now, the car is you, the road is your new path in life and I am the driver. Until you are ready to drive on your own, I will have to take sometimes the wheel to save you. This might make you anger, but in the end you will thank me".
"I won't be angry, even if you break a bottle of beer in my head" he sais and makes me laugh.
"We'll see. You are still at the beginning".
I take the cigarette from my toes and smoke what is left from it. Then I take another one and put it in his mouth. He doesn't want, but I look him with anger. He has to! But this is enough for today.
"You will smoke, like it or not! Nobody dared to oppose me in this question. I convinced so many people to start, you will not escape!" I say for myself.
Who knows what tomorrow the day will bring? There were already too many surprises for me... and for him. I start thinking that he will remain with me. But only if he starts smoking. If not, he has nothing to do with me, with Nicotiana. I cannot accept any failure about this. He might be the only male sfenist in these mountains, but I have lived a happy life alone too.
If he doesn't want to start smoking, I will make him taste the bitter like so many other guys, because I am Nicotiana. Half such a pleasant substance, that I cannot live without... and half such a deadly toxin that a few grams of pure nicotine can kill a person. His choice.
Smokers smoke in their lifetime about 3 times their weight in tobacco. Given the same daily dose of smoke to majority of birds, they will die in weeks. Horses will not make it for an year. Dogs and cats don't survive over a few years... but humans seem to live with it for their entire life. It is like the Creator knew humans will smoke and built them stronger lungs.
A scientist, around 2004
Two weeks have passed since an outsider has come to our mountains, at the end of the world. He sleeps here in my home, in the kitchen, going every day to work. When he has a free day, I send him to buy what we need in the house. We are best friends, but not lovers. Everything has got exactly where I wanted it to go, but except for one thing: I didn't manage to make him smoke. I tried to tease him, to talk to him, but how long will it take? A different strategy must be token.
He accepted to transform into whatever his heart wants. I am just helping. No need to hide his addiction for pantyhose. In house, he can wear them without problems, even with a skirt, be as feminine as he wants to. I told him about the hair on the feet and accepted to take it down. To epilate. I don't shave my feet, like other women, just epilate. It is painful and I do this when I am angry. Anger can overcome any pain. But for him, the first time was a nightmare. I even tried to epilate his beard and mustache, but it was too painful. Maybe later or maybe one square cm at a time.
And there is another thing that has to come yet. As I long abandoned my real name and became Ana or Nicotiana, he must one day find a new name. But that day hasn't come. So, I don't talk with him using a name. I know he has a real name and a nickname along his coworkers, but he needs a new one. He will know when time will come.
After 4 days of work, he has one day free. this is the policy at the mine. For me, at the railway, I offer service 24/7. I work non-stop, with other words. If I want to leave, I need to call someone else. Usually my sisters would do it, even if they are not qualified for this job... but anyway I am the only one qualified on this railway. Well, just don't care.
Today, he must arrive earlier. He is free and I sent him downstream, to Jupiter, the largest town (and the only one) in this area. He went shopping. Usually a woman should do this, but I wanted himself. Why? To make him buy woman items. I wait in the station and the train appears soon. I wait for the train to stop, signal nearby stations by radio and then give a 'go' signal to the train. All is ok. So, we cross the river and enter the kitchen.
"What do you have?" I ask.
He opens the bags. Wow! I asked him to buy only a few things, but he got so many. Most of sure from his money. He is very careful to see what I like and what not. He knows that I like green more then anything. Well, he bought me a green dress, a green winter coat and even... green pantyhose. So sweet! I wrote on the list a few female items for himself, but without pointing out that. He sure realized this: some platform sandals, pantyhose and shorts. Also, in the bags are a few other things needed for daily life.
The second bag contains something else. I wrote on the list some cigarette brands. Usually I smoke handmade cigarettes, since I grow my own tobacco, but sometimes I buy some. Will he understand why I both all this? Majority are slims: Parliament Slims, Glamour, Vogue, Virginia, but also some Kent and Pall Mall. Usual brands. Does he know that they are for him? My patience has gone to the limit. It will be now or never. Smoke or die. I just hope I won't pass that point where anger gets over the limits and I erupt like a volcano... when I am no longer a woman, but a man or even an animal... when from an angel I become a demon with two swords.
He enters the kitchen, to change the outfit, then I do the same. We then enter both and sort the things that he both. We eat, then I go out, because the evening train comes from the mine. Then, I return to the kitchen. This time, I feel it. It's now or never. I won't care that he is a sfenist and he is completely alone. So, I take a deep breath and enter.
I wear the new green dress, with the green winter coat. I made a trick and over the green pantyhose I added fishnets. This gives a completely different look to my feet, even if rubbing them together does not give the same soft sensation. And cheap open-toe plastic slippers. He has a dark grey sweater and a white shirt beneath, a knee-length brown skirt and half-opaque tights, also with some kind of grey, but with some flowers designed on. He wears the open-toe platform sandals. The upper half of his body looks like that of a man. But his feet look like of a woman. Hardly visible from his pantyhose are his toenails, which I painted a few days ago into a shiny pink, unlike mine which are always green.
"Thank you for buying me all these green clothes" I say.
"For all you've done to me, this is nothing".
"Come on, stop saying that. You know well that I don't like it. I help you when I can and with what I can and you help me when you can and with what you can".
"It was my pleasure to get you green clothes" he says. "I know you love this color more then anything, Nicotiana".
"Speaking of Nicotiana", I say, "shouldn't be nice to light a cigarette? We have a lot of brands now".
"Yes, I think there are 16 or so packs. But they all look counterfeited".
"Does it matter? There is not much difference anyway. Just give me one pack of the slims".
He gives me one and I take two cigarettes. They are so slim. Will I get any nicotine from them? I start playing with the pack on my knees, while he keeps on looking.
"You see what is written here? 'Smoking might kill!' What do you say about that?" I ask him.
"Just what I told you many times, that smoking might get you killed. You smoke like a thermal plant. One day you will regret it".
"I would put the words in another way. You see, just inverse it. 'Smoking might kill' backwards. It becomes 'the killer might smoke'. Better?"
He laughs, while I only smile a bit.
"Yes, the killer might smoke. And if he has nothing to smoke, he will kill you to get your cigarettes or at least money to buy some".
Again, he laughs, but I only smile. He doesn't know what will happen.
"There is one more thing that I want to do this evening: to paint my hair. A mild red-brown color should fit me, even if I would like green. What do you say?"
"It is all in your heart. If you like green, it should be better, but I didn't see green paint anywhere".
So, I start to prepare the paint. Then, I ask him:
"Do you want to paint your hair too?"
"What will people at the mine say about this? I don't think it is a good idea".
"Well, it seems you want, but your job forces you. But there is something we could do" I say, further with my plan in mind.
He listens to me, watching as I prepare the paint in a bowl placed on my knees.
"A similar color to my hair?" he asks curious.
"Some sort of dark brown, that would be feminine but suitable for a man".
"People at the mine will look very curious about this. But for you, I will do it. Only it must not be too colored".
I keep on preparing the paint for me and thinking in silence. Then, I start putting the paint on my hair. And then, I mix the ingredients for his hair. A dark brown, with a glimpse of red. Feminine but suitable for a man. I let him mix the paint in the same bowl, placed on his knees, just as I did before. But, I help him apply the paint. There is no way for him to know.
"My coworkers will look at me like a duck at a railway barrier" he says while I apply the paint.
"Just tell them that 'Ana did it to me' and they will understand. Maybe I made you some sorcery. For sure this is what they will say. Only that I do all things with a reason".
"No", he replies. "They say that you will kill me".
"It might be true one day", I answer. "It all depends on you. And that day might be closer then you think".
Hearing this, he opens such large eyes, like I've never seen. I shouldn't have tell him this already... but maybe it's better. Just keep him with some frustration and be one step ahead. Just like in a chess game, be with one move ahead. Be ready to give him a check when he doesn't move as you expect, but let him play, thinking he will win. No. I am in charge here.
we say nothing, until I finish making his hair. We now have to wait a while, for the paint to get in. Time to light a cigarette. Oh, my body needs that nicotine!
"I have a little question", I say. "What do you think if you compare the feet of a woman with pantyhose and one without pantyhose".
"Obviously, I prefer the one with pantyhose. The other pair of feet have nothing to show".
"Tell me more".
"Here is a comparison for this. Feet covered with pantyhose are like a planet covered by an atmosphere. They are like Earth, like Venus or Mars, like Titan. Each brand has its own thickness and its own color, its own softness, just like the atmosphere covering a planet. Each is different and completely changes the foot into something new. Feet without pantyhose are like a planet without atmosphere. Like the Moon, like Mercury. They are nude, dead, expressionless, just a desert without anything. You see the desolated surface instead of the softness of an atmosphere".
So interesting words! And there is some truth in this.
We keep on speaking about space exploration for a while, waiting for our hair to be ready. Then, I heat some water to wash our hair in a trough. He adapted well to the conditions here. No bath, no flowing water, no washing machine, none of the luxuries of civilization. The result is gorgeous. I got the hair a bit lighter then intended, but a pleasant color. He looks more feminine, but still is a man. Good! Now time to move forward. I put my feet in the bed and he does the same, watching me playing with the pantyhose on my toes.
Then, I light another cigarette and throw him the packet of Parliament Slims.
"Pantyhose only cover the surface, like an atmosphere", I say, carefully watching his feet. "There is something else. A planet needs an active core. When the core is dead, you have no volcanism, no plate tectonics, no life. A planet without an active core is like dead. Covering a dead planet with an atmosphere will only create an illusion of life, but will not bring the planet to life".
"What do you mean?" he asks surprised.
"What I want to say is that pantyhose only covers the surface, while there must be something inside. Smoking does this. Just watch" as I take a deep inhale. "This smoke enters my lungs. From there, it gets into my blood, then to the heart. Not only nicotine, there are many substances in smoke. And all of them are in my body now. Smoke keeps on moving through my arteries and my veins, until it exits the blood into the liquid between cells. And from there, it reach every cellular membrane and enters every cell of my body. While pantyhose only covers my feet from the outside, nicotine reaches my feet from the inside. Only that you cannot see it, but I can feel it".
I take another drag. "And when I blow the smoke out, it goes out with a part of me. This smoke has been inside me and has token a bit of myself and now it is in this room" I speak while smoke gets slowly out from my mouth, together with the words. "And then, it gets out from this room, in the atmosphere. It can enter your lungs and so you get a bit of me".
He looks amazed at this.
"Just like the volcanic moons Io and Enceladus" I say, while smoking again. "You know that Enceladus feeds one of the rings around Saturn and plumes from the volcanoes of Io create a radiation belt around Jupiter and in the end lands on the planet".
"Wow! I never thought about this", he says with such amazed eyes.
"Look at my feet now. You can see pantyhose and fishnets, just like an atmosphere and a stratosphere. But if you look beneath, you see a living, active world".
While I say this, I take his hand and make him touch my feet, from toes to heel. Then, I take his hand and make him feel his own feet, from knee down towards the toes.
"And now look at your planet" I say. "It has a thick atmosphere, maybe suitable for life, but it is dead. Only very small seismic atmosphere from ejected plumes by planet Ana and a 2/5 nicotine orbital resonance with myself. Nothing else. You are dead, unnamed planet, even if you look alive".
He looks at me, as I take the pack of Parliament Slims from his lap and put it in his hand.
"All these cigarettes are yours now".
He looks scared now. He tries to speak, but finds no words.
"I strongly appreciate this, Nicotiana, but..." he grumbles. "But... but I am not a smoker and I will not smoke".
"Well, remember what I told you a week ago about the car?" I say.
"Yes. That you are the driver and I am the car and you will pull the wheel if needed, to keep me on track".
"Well, now, I will have to. And here is the way. I painted your hair for a reason. Everything I do is for a reason".
"Oh my..." he whispers scared, like realizing what will happen.
"This is a message", I continue, with much authority in voice. "Not for you, it is for the people in the mine. I painted your hair so all of them will know".
"Will know what?"
"That you smoke. From now on and for the rest of your life. You can quit only two years after you die!"
"I won't smoke" he hesitates me.
I take a final drag and throw the filter in the bowl where we prepared the paint.
"Stand up! Now!" I shout. "There, near the floor! Do it, right now!"
He moves automatically, listening to my orders. I take the longest knife I have in the kitchen and put it near my neck, as he looks so scared, sweating and whispering he knows what.
"Long time ago, an infidel raped me and all time placed a knife right here. So, I know well how it feels. And I understand that you also know".
"Have you ever killed someone?" he says, almost crying.
"Maybe yes, maybe now, it's not your problem. The thing is as follows, infidel. There are only two ways to get out of this building. One is as a smoker, the other is inside a coffin. What should it be? I will only ask you twice. The third time, I will kill you. Do you understand?"
He stays immobile and not answering anything.
"Do you understand?" I shout as loud as I can.
He moves his head affirmative.
"So", I continue. "What should it be? Smoke or die?"
He hesitates a while, then says:
"I will not smoke".
"First answer. You have a second chance".
"You realize that I will say 'yes' and tomorrow I will run away" he says.
"Where?" I answer. "I know these mountains better then you. Christians, Muslims, Idolaters, extremists, smugglers, drug traffickers, illegal forest cuttings and a lot of savages much more dangerous then me. Just take someone's hat off his head and he will instantly try to kill you. Don't say you will take the train, there is no way to pass me. And don't say you will live at the mine, cause I can sneak in, as I did many times. The only way out is the railway. There are no roads... and you cannot get in a train past me. You cannot run as fast as I do. And all this, if you manage to escape this room".
He doesn't say anything now, just looks at me.
"There is another thing, I continue, speaking loud and rare. "You know I can see in your eyes the truth. You cannot lie to me. If you don't say the truth, I will know. So, I let you wait just the time I will smoke a cigarette. Then, it is time for an answer".
I light the cigarette, keeping the knife at his neck. Oh mine, what I've become. Am I really going to kill him? How could he resist so long? Actually I never killed anyone. Well, what should be better to do, to encourage him to take the right choice? I don't want to kill him, I've never done this before, but now I've gone too far. Really too far.
"Think smart, infidel!" I say to him.
I see the sweat on his face, the terror inside his brain, all veins are visible and he looks at my knife. He is shaking.
"Time is ticking..." I say, showing the cigarette half burned.
Why does he not smoke? Where does this one have so much strength? Nobody resisted me that long. And I never had to go this far.
"Hey! You are not the first infidel I've killed. There are other... seven".
Hope this will scare him. I look at the cigarette. Two more smokes and it's gone. Let's make them longer then ever. I take one and keep it for long in my chest. Then I wait, as he is hyperventilating. He almost cannot control his breath. I hear some groans, with a half-opened mouth.
"Just look at you! What a shame! " I say with a smile and satisfaction. "You will lie to me. You will say yes and tomorrow will try the best to run from the mine. There is no way to escape from me, you know that. But why bothering me to search for you, when I'd better kill you right now, without giving you the chance. Why not to kill you right now?"
I take the last drag. Almost no tobacco left, only the filter. No visible smoke gets out of my mouth. I throw the filter on the floor.
"Time's up! Well, I am like to keep my word and I will ask you a second time. But since your eyes tell me you will lie, I'd better kill you now and ask you later. You will answer me then!" I say, laughing. "What a freak!"
Now or never, Ana!
I grab his neck with one hand and squeeze so hard, that he certainly cannot breath. He tries to take my hands away, but the second hand, with the knife, gets closer and touches his face. My knife is making a wound below his right eye. He tries to take my hand out, but with no results. I know what I am doing. Pushing hard with my fingers on the carotid artery and jugular vein, his brain will not have oxygen. But wait! He seems to lose power. Did I kill him? I take my hands off.
He falls down. No, he is not dead, still breathing, but almost a zombie. I sit down on the ground, looking straight in his eyes, with the knife pointing to his left eye.
"Now, I ask you one last time, infidel. What should it be? Smoke or die?"
He grumbles something unintelligible, but moves his head like an 'yes'.
There is a strange smell. When I look, he pissed on himself. I give him some water and wash his face, covered with sweat. I let him one minute, then open one pack of slims and give him a cigarette. He takes it. I give him my lighter and he does what must do. First drag ends with a cough. The second one, the same. I give him water to drink.
"What was so hard?" I ask.
"Were you really going to kill me?" he asks.
"Yes", I answer sharp.
"Your eyes looked like not willing to".
"You don't know how to read my eyes yet".
I help him stand up and let him to wash and change cloths. Then, I look him sharp into his eyes.
"Say after me the next thing!"
He moves his head as affirmative.
"I swear..."
"I swear..."
"On the holly names of all gods..."
"On the holly names of all gods..."
"On all angels and all saints..."
"On all angels and all saints..."
"And all spirits and ghosts..."
"And all spirits and ghosts..."
"That I will smoke..."
"That I will smoke..."
"Until the last moment of my life..."
"Until the last moment of my life..."
"If I will fail..."
"If I will fail..."
"I accept to die..."
"I accept to die..."
"In the worse possible way..."
"In the worse possible way..."
"And suffer the worse in the afterlife."
"And suffer the worse in the afterlife."
I give him another slim cigarette which he lights-up immediately, then I invite him for the first time inside the house.
"From now on, we will sleep in the same room".
We throw ourselves in bed, overwhelmed by this day. I never imagined it will be so hard. Almost have killed him. Usually, outsiders have much weaker characters, but this guy sure is different. Such a strength! I just cannot sleep. I light another cigarette and immediately he does the same. All, until I hear the radio beeps. The 3 AM train will come. Need to go and check the line.
The morning comes. I think none of us had a night sleep. We eat together, then smoke together. Well, he coughs more then smokes. Then, we head for the station. The workers' train will come soon. But I know how to make sure he will smoke at the mine. Not only that I give him a pack of slims in face of all people waiting the train, but I say to people on the station:
"If he doesn't smoke, I'll kill him. Watch him and tell me!"
*****
At the mine, Atan arrives very tired and with his new hair color. His coworkers look at this thing. They've never seen a man with colored hair.
"What happened to you, buddy?"
"Oh man! It looks like you've been pushing wagons upstream all the way to here!" says another worker.
"Nicotiana painted my hair".
"I told you she is insane. She might kill you one day".
"She almost did it last night" says Atan, showing the wound near his eye.
"You should have stayed here with us, man!"
"No. I will return to her. We are family now!"
"You mean you did something with her? Last night?"
"Yeah. I did" says Atan, looking up at the mountains.
All workers shout and beat their hands.
"Atan, you've done what nobody in these mountains have ever done. You slept with Ana and survived!"
The guys think Atan did something else with Nicotiana, but the truth is different. It doesn't matter, may they think whatever they want.
"But why did she paint your hair?"
"For a reason".
"May that reason be?"
"That I will smoke. From now on until two years after my death" he answers, lighting up a cigarette in front of them.
*****
For me, this was the hardest day in years. Almost killed a man. Will he return? Will he flee, looking for a passage over the mountains? If he does that, he is dead anyway. I stay in the railway station, cleaning the platforms with a broom. It is so hard to wait. My shadow keeps on accusing me that I've gone too far. And I did. How could I? Am I really Ana? Or is Ana a ghost, or maybe a demon that possesses me? How could I do the things that I just did last night?
I just hope that I will never do things like these again. Ever.
I almost killed a man.
After endless waiting, the evening train returns from the mines. The engine carries its usual 3 rusted wagons, 3 times older then me. The train stops and I watch as he exits the second wagon, with his new hair and lights a cigarette. I immediately run and hug him.
"Welcome back!" I whisper, with tears in my eyes.
"Nicotiana, I will never leave you", he also whispers.
I hold him in my arms for maybe half of a minute, until the train engineer shouts: "Ana, we are in a hurry! These people are hungry and want to get home!"
Oh mine! I have to notice nearby stations through radio and signal the train to depart! And everyone is looking at us. The whole train!
People start making sounds like at a cinema, watching a good movie.
"First man who sleeps with Ana and doesn't get killed!" says someone.
"Not yet!" says someone else.
"Princess Nicotine made a new victim!" screamed a woman. "He's smoking, isn't he?"
I run and signal nearby stations that the train departs. Then, I signal the train to move away. People are waving their hands. We hug each other as the train vanishes behind the trees and we remain alone. I hear his heart beating in his chest... of the man that I was just about to kill.
For the first time in my life, I am not alone.
You are not guilty for what you did, but for the way you did it
Winter has come and the first snow falls on the mountain villages. Nicotiana and her Atan stay on the railway platform waiting for the morning train. He will get to work at the mines, while she has other plans. The train comes. They hug and go each one to its own job.
Atan's Story
"Bye, Nicotiana!" I say as I get into the old wagon.
"Bye! Take good care of you!"
These trains, they look like if they've been through war. People stay on wooden benches, with missing woods. The walls are scratched... while this train trembles on overused and unrepaired, deformed rails. Moving at best with 20 km/h.
The village remains behind, as the train passes through snow. The valley gets more narrow. A few km upstream, there is the last village, Ganymede, with its own train station. Nicotiana must have signaled that station that the train is coming. Oh, Nicotiana... Such an unusual girl. I must confess I've never seen in my whole life anyone like her. She sure is pretty. Small, when she hugs me her head stays at my chest. Short, but a bit chubby. Not fat. Just perfect. Her eyes are dark, so dark... black. Just looking to them can get your mind twitched. A small nose and lips a bit wider then other women. Herr shoulders are lower then usual. Such a gorgeous girl! I must envy that I found her. Never ever dreamed in my whole life that such a girl would come to my life.
And her feet. She has so beauty legs. She has style. The feet, covered with a layer of pantyhose, are what I love to see at a woman. I could watch her feet for hours. Guess that for the first time in my life, I am in love. Today she was wearing black tights covered by leggings, a black an white knee-long dress and booties. She showed me her feet and amazed me more then ever. Wearing both pantyhose and leggings at the same time is something rare.
Ganymede station comes. The train stops here. A woman comes and signals the train to depart. A good friend, Turgai, climbs from here. He is not born here. He came to work at the mine with his wife a long time ago. They came from the Land Of Nomads, which is over the big river. Once there were nomads in the plains. Today, people live in villages. Like here, there are many different tribes, with strange traditions and many spoken languages. There is one main difference: almost all nomads are Muslims, while here, in the Land Of Mountains, people are official Muslims, but also go to the church and practice idolatry.
"Welcome, Turgai", I say once I see the old man approaching my bench.
"Feel happy, Atan", he says. "Do you have a cigarette? I forgot mine".
"Feel welcome", I say as we both light one.
"Is Nicotiana ok?" he asks me as he lights the cigarette.
"Yes. She never attacked me again", I say as I take the first drag.
"She won't".
"Why are you so sure? She almost killed me!"
"You are a stranger to these mountains. People here follow strict moral laws. Unwritten laws", he says. "It was all your fault for all what happened".
"Jesus, man! he almost killed me. And for what? For a cigarette?"
"Was it that hard to smoke?"
"I never imagined that she was so serious and will try to kill me. I was just trying to push her, to see when will she give-up".
"Never", says Turgai, blowing a loud of smoke. "People from the mountains never give up. Even with the price of their lives. If you continued to oppose her, she would have killed you".
"Turgai, sometimes I feel like I am a prisoner there. Like I am her pet. And I am afraid she will attack me again".
"Do you love her, Atan?"
His words almost make me stop breathing. I watch the landscape. The train stretches through the narrow gorge. I see the river encased between the black cliffs. The engine struggles to climb this steep grade, making a sound like crying, as the wagons tremble on these rails.
"I love her!" I say. "I love her and she is the only woman in my life that I really loved. Only that I am afraid for my own life. Nobody ever tried to kill me before".
Turgai laughs.
"What is so funny?"
"You know Amir? The second day I arrived in the mountains, he held a sword at my neck. And guess why. Because the first day, he offered me a up of coffee and I refused. It is considered a great offense to refuse something. And you refused her cigarettes. This is the best thing she has. She is obsessed about smoking. And you just declared war to her".
Yes, I know Amir. He lives in Almathea, the next village and station downstream from us. He looked such a polite and friendly guy. I think about what a strange world I entered into, as the train reaches a small depression, surrounded by forest. Here is Europa station. One more station and we are at work. A teen comes from the station and signals our train to go.
Now comes the most impressive part of the railway. From here, the valley is so narrow, that the railway hardly squeezes inside. The railway is dug in the stonewall. There are also two tunnels. But my mind is not here, in the train. I keep thinking at Nicotiana. Will she ever attack me again? Will she kill me one day? I love her. But should I trust her? What if she really is insane?
The train passes the last tunnel. For two minutes, we are in complete darkness, only the light of a few cigarettes can be seen. Finally, the gorge ends and we see how the valley opens. Here are the mines. Io station, the last one. The train stops with a long creak, followed by 3 short whistles. Time to go to work.
"If you are afraid, don't leave her", says Turgai. "She loves you".
"Do you think this?"
"Yes, for sure", he responds. "But even if you were her brother or even her mother, she will kill you if you stop smoking".
"Do you think she would?"
"I would", he answers as he steps out of the train.
Well, I rarely enter the mine. Usually, I stay outside, but now I need to get in. I need to direct the portable drill to take samples where we found copper. Before they enter, miners stop and prey that they will return alive. The mines are by far not secure. Well, a long day awaits me...
All goes well, until at some point the portable drill stops working. Now, I have nothing to do. I take it out and ask Turk and London to repair it. They will need the rest of this day for repairing. I stay and do some office work, until there is nothing left for me to do. I will head home with the noon train. Nicotiana will be surprised to see me earlier.
As I go back, I keep thinking about her. I love her. I loved her from the first moment I came there. I have in mind her combination of pantyhose and leggings and start to feel for the first time a fetish for her smoking. For the first time in my life, I have a girlfriend that will not run away from me, will not exploit me for money and accepts me as I am. As a sfenist. But in the same time, this woman almost killed me. And for what? For the fact that I refused smoking? It is like there are two persons inside me: one that wants to be with her and one that wants to save my life.
I light a cigarette in the train. I think about the tights I wear, hidden beneath my trousers. She is the only one that knows. Her feet are also covered, like an atmosphere covers a planet. And she might be smoking right now, as I am. No! I will not leave her! But I need to make it clear that she will not kill me.
The train arrives in Callisto station and I jump down on the platform. Only that I don't see her. I find another woman, of similar age, with long, black hair, with a yellow fur coat, jeans and boots. Her face looks somehow similar to Nicotiana, but she is not the same person. She signals the train to depart.
"Nicotiana?" I ask. "I am Atan".
She shows me a path over the river, then says in her language: "Up at the shrine. She is praying".
I don't understand all, but I know where the shrine is.
"Who are you?" I ask.
"Cemis".
Her younger sister.
"Is she ok?" I ask again.
"Up at the shrine. She is praying", repeats Cemis.
I hurry to the shrine.
Ana's Story
I hug him and let him go in the train.
"Bye!" I say as I signal the train to depart.
"Bye! Take good care of you!" he says.
Once the train departs, I go to the village, to call one of my sisters, Abida or Cemis. I trust them more then my parents. I really need their help. So, I hurry to get to one of them. Cemis still lives with my parents and is home. I call her.
"Hi, Ana!" she says with a smile. "Lon time no see!"
"Hi, Cemis! Want a cigarette?"
"Can I refuse you? After all, you taught me how to smoke".
"Cemis, I need a bit of help. Please, come to my place at the rail station for 3 hours".
"Sure, sis. But why?"
"I don't want my parents to hear".
"They took the horses to change their horseshoes, they are not here".
"Cemis, just come to my place".
"Ok, just wait me to write a note to our parents".
As Cemis comes to the station, we sit on the bench. I light one cigarette and give her one.
"Cemis, you've been the closest people to me", I say. "I can't sleep. My shadow doesn't leave me! It is like I've done a terrible sin!". I take a deep drag and exhale. "It is about my friend. You know, when I almost killed him. I attacked guys that wanted to make love with me. You know well. But he doesn't want to do anything bad".
"Ana, you did what you had to do. Refusing your gift is like cursing you", says Cemis, taking the cigarette to her lips. "You know the unwritten law. If I were you, I was supposed to do the same". She takes a drag and exhales. "Only that I couldn't do what you did".
"Yes", I say, shaking the cigarette to remove the ash. "But he doesn't know the law. But on the other hand, I insisted over and over, to make it clear for him he has to smoke".
"Did you plan to do what you did, or you got too angry?"
"I planned something, but never imagined he will refuse me", I say, as Cemis starts playing with her long hair. "Well, I think I am guilty, because I was looking more to my ambition to convince him smoke, then to respect the unwritten law".
"Then you are guilty. But not to the law. You are guilty against the law of freedom".
This scares me so much that I start shaking. The law of freedom? The law that not even gods dare to cross? The law of freedom says that nobody can decide for another one, except when you have to save someone's life. You can show someone the path, you can even force someone, but you are not allowed to decide. "If you did this, Ana", says my shadow, "you are cursed".
"Oh mine", I say. "But I didn't put the cigarette in his mouth. I asked him. Yes, I scared him so much that he pissed through his pants".
Cemis laughs. "Oh mine... That sure scared him to death".
"Cemis, my shadow says that I committed a terrible sin I don't know. Maybe this is it, I crossed the law of freedom. I need to do something".
"Ana, if you did this, you know what to do".
"Yes, Cemis. This is why I asked you to stay here. I go to the shrine".
I leave her in the station and start climbing. With these booties on the fresh snow, it is not easy. Usually, I need about 20 minutes to climb through the forest, but on this snow, I need over 40. I fall few times, I keep slipping on the snow. Snow gets in my booties and wet my feet. As this happens, I think about him, about his pantyhose fetish. I love him. I do. But I must respect the unwritten law too. "Come on, Ana! Focus", I say to myself. "You must do something" says my shadow.
I reach the shrine. It is a large block of rock, with bizarre sculptures. Also, someone placed a long time ago an icon there, that now is hardly visible. Only in these mountains you see different religions living in peace. Nowhere else in the world.
I kneel on the snow and feel the cold through my leggings.
"What should I do?" I say loud.
I start to confess everything: how I broke the law of freedom, how I almost killed him, how I had a sense of pleasure in my eyes. I am crying like a child. How could I do such things? Had I other choices?
"No. You are not guilty for what you did, but for the way you did it", I whisper. "I am guilty for the way I pressed him, not for the reason I did it".
This stops my tears. I blow my nose, take the tears away and light a cigarette. I feel so much better.
As I still stay here, I hear something coming. Wolves? No. It is him. He came up here, for me. We hug and tears are back in my eyes. Oh, my body is almost paralyzed of coldness. I hardly move my wet feet.
"Nicotiana, it's ok. I am here to help", he says.
The man that I was about to kill? Now wants to help me? We slowly move back to the village. My feet keep on slipping one the snow, but he helps me at each step.
"Why did you go up there on this weather?" he says. "You could fall and die".
"Because I needed", I answer. "And now I have the answer".
"About what?"
"About what I did to you. That I almost killed you".
He looks at me with a bit of fear.
"I am not guilty for what I did, but for the way I did it", I say. "Please, wait a second".
We stop as we light a cigarette. And I continue.
"I don't regret that I convinced you to smoke. If I regret something, is the way I did. Please, forgive me from almost killing me".
He looks at me surprised and says:
"Nicotiana, I forgive me. But please promise me that you will never ever try to kill me".
"I do".
"Swear?"
"I swear. On all the gods I know! Except for one reason. You know it".
"If I stop smoking?"
This question shocks me. "I will", I answer with half of my voice. "I know I scared you and almost killed you. If you want, you are free to move to any other house, to return to the mine or to go back over the sea", I say almost crying.
"No, I will not go, Nicotiana, as long as you will no longer try to kill me".
"You forgive me?"
"I forgive you. But please, understand that I know nothing about the unwritten law. Tell me first, each time I make something bad".
"Thank you for forgiving me and understanding me".
"There is something else I need to say..."
He stops and waits a long time.
"I will never leave you. I am here to help. Now that I know I am not your prisoner".
"You never were... and you will never be".
We return to the station. Cemis got worried and thought to run and tell my parents if I won't return until the evening train. She made fire in the house for us. So good, we are cold as ice.
How is to be a transgender?
It's like the reaffirmation of yourself. It's the birth of the real you, that waited hidden inside. Lots of emotions. But it also is pain. The pain is not from surgery and other body transformations, but from other people, who don't understand us and oppose to us: parents, friends, even ordinary people on the street. I don't know, but maybe we suffer as much as you do, sfenists. The main difference is that you were transformed against your own will, while we decided on our own.
An internet conversation between a sfenist and a transgender, 2011.
I am at the railway station, as usual, waiting a mix, passenger-cargo train, to go up to the mines. It is cold and the mountains that surround us are white. The sky is like waiting to snow again. The train comes and stops. I do my daily work, announcing nearby stations through radio beeps that the train has reached me and is heading up.
I sit in the station to heat myself a bit, when a woman knocks in the window.
"I come for Ana", she says.
"I am", I answer.
"Please, I need your help. My son is no longer listening to me. He hangs out with thugs and I think he is starting to drink". Her eyes look desperate. I know how far a mother will go for her children. "I know you are favored by Actit. Please tell the goddess to help me", she says, while taking two packs of cigarettes from her purse. "One pack for you and one for the goddess".
This why people think I am a witch. I try to help others, in any way.
"Who are you?" I ask.
"My name is Feldish and I am from Telesto", she says.
"Come to the house!" I invite her.
My house has a small room where we take down our shoes. From there, two doors open. To left, it is the 'good room', which is used for guests and where we store things. To right, it is the 'daily room' with two beds, two closets and a table, where we stay and sleep. That's how all houses are built here. Small, with low floors that you can touch with your hand. I take her to the good room and make her sit on the bed.
"What happened?" I ask.
"He was not a bad kid. I don't know when it happened. He started to hangout with two jerks and now he is not listening to me. He runs away from home and comes back late in night. He went with them to Jupiter without even telling me!" she says and starts to cry.
"Actit is a god and the first human, born from the sky and the ground. Her soul is the Altar, the first spirit. But more then everything, she is a mother. She gave birth to Adam and Eve, without mating a man, because she is the goddess of line. More then everything, she is a mother, the mother of all humanity and of us. She suffers for all and give strength to all", I say, while looking in her eyes.
"I know. That's why I came to you".
I kneel on the bed, in front of her and start to move my hands around her head.
"You are her child and you, like me, wear the Altar inside you". Then, speaking hard and slowly, I continue: "You must be stronger then you've imagined. She wants to help, but if you don't do your part, she will not be able to do anything. You must be strong. You can do this. Limits are just an illusion of our mind".
She looks deep in my eyes, as my hands start trembling a bit.
"Is he drinking? Don't say to him 'stop drinking'. Take him to the road and show alcoholics. Show him their destroyed lives. Show him how their families abandoned them, how they stay in dirty houses and dirty clothes. This is the way. Don't argue against the law of freedom, just show him the path".
"And how to take him from those jerks? He is no longer listening to me!" the woman says, crying.
"You shout to him?"
"Yes. What should I do?"
"Again, you fight against the law of freedom. This is why he is not listening to you".
"Then what should I do?"
"Let him se the pain in your eyes. Let him see how much you cry and suffer from him", I answer. This way, the altar inside him will receive light from you".
She is slowly crying.
"Show him what happens to delinquents. How they got into trouble, how they get shot. Their life does not last long and they always end-up in big trouble. Give him examples. Make him think about what will happen to his pals and what will happen to him", I say as my hands shake above her shoulders. "When you speak to him, don't shout. Use a firm voice, with authority. Speak loud and rare, with pauses between words".
"I tried to block the door, but he showed me a knife..." she can speak no more, as tears cover her face.
"No", I say as I gently touch her hair and back. "You should say 'Kill me if you want, but that will not solve your problems'. He won't do it. Say 'You are free to walk that door, to take your life and soul to hell'. Try to be his friend, not his enemy. Try to work from the inside, not stop him from the outside. This is the way. If he drinks, try to give him milk or tea with honey. Honey fights against alcohol. If he smokes, that can be a good help".
I take my hands away and say "Done! You do have all the strength you need, only that you don't know your way yet. Do you smoke?"
"I do".
I give her a cigarette as I light one for myself.
"Does he smoke?"
"I never caught him, but I think yes".
"Make him smoke. Share cigarettes with him. This will open a path to his soul. And it will help you keep him away from alcohol, because alcohol is the blood of Satan".
She stands up and cleans her tears. She thanks me for everything.
"No need to thank me. Thank Actit, because she put the words in my mouth and gave you strength through me. I am just a human, like you".
She moves away and heads back home, by foot, on the railway. I watch her go. Things like this happen about once a week. People think I am a witch, but I am not. I take the two packs in my hand. One is for me, alright. But the second one, I have to give to someone. To who? As I think about this, I see Natasha. She is about 40 and has a strange look. She is insane and has been like this ever since. When she is in a crisis, she can attack you. Her life was destroyed by a violent incident, just like mine. A rape. But she could not recover at all. At least I ended-up as a sfenist. Many people recover completely, but some, never. And there is also another category of girls, who after such an event become whores. I guess I will never understand why this happens.
So, I say 'hello' to Natasha and give her the pack of cigarettes. She takes it, mumbles something that I don't understand and lights one.
"May your soul be happy", I say as she moves away.
I never believed smoking can do anything harmful and I will never believe. It is part of the treatment in everything and can cure many problems.
*****
He returns home from the mines with the evening train. I wait him with the table set: a soup with handmade spaghetti and cornmeal with cheese. I also have a few cookies and milk as usual. We eat, then we make ourselves comfortable on the bed, watching stuff on my laptop.
I am dressed with a green blouse, that he bought for me, a small black dress, black leggings and sheer pantyhose. He has a grey light sweater, a black and white skirt and grey opaque tights. We with our backs rested on the wall and the feet in front of us, with the heels beneath us. The laptop is on a big pillow.
He shows me some of his favorite videos on YouTube. There is one, with a woman standing on a rotating glass platform. The camera focuses on her feet, with nude pantyhose and no shoes. Then, we find one, with two women, sitting on a coach, smoking and wearing opaque white tights.
"I never showed my favorite videos to anyone", he says.
"I am happy that you shared with me", I say.
Then we find one, with two women smoking and wearing leggings. One of them is coughing.
"Looks a bit like us", I say. You still are not a complete smoker", I say, changing to a video named "Still learning" after the previous one ends.
"You've been watching smoking women?" he asks surprised.
"Yes. I did and I do, to improve my smoking style".
As we say so, we look for 'smoking' and 'pantyhose' tags at the same time. A video named 'Smoking with pantyhose' appears and we watch it.
"Amazing!" he says. "I never were into smoking, but combined with pantyhose, it takes all to a completely different new level".
As we change from video to video, we find another woman with tights and smoking. Only that this time, the video has a different tag: crossdressing.
"Wow! That doesn't look like a woman", I see. "Even if she has breasts. But still is a man".
"I've seen many similar videos and stood at these people", he answers.
"Do you like them?"
"No, not like that. I like the idea of cross dressing. But all of them are inside a room or very close to the house, never on the street. Well, some just wear women clothes, while others go to extreme measures, like breast implants, castration and an artificial vagina".
"And do you like that?" I ask again. "Do you want to be like that?"
He keeps a bit of silence, then says:
"Depends. Sometimes, I want to be a woman, but in the same time to change back to a man. It's like in some cartoons I watched as a child, Little Dracula. There was a guy, Coach dr. Frank, with two brains, with two personalities. I want to be more feminine... well not quite a woman, but then to push the button and become a man. Just like Coach dr. Frank had two brains, one with a rude and evil personality and one filled with love and compassion".
"I see..." I answer. "You have two different personalities that don't fight with each other. Not like two souls in a single body".
"Yes. You always see through my eyes before I can ever speak", he remarks. "But not quite like those guys on You Tube. I won't go to surgery and implants. And I don't want an irreversible transformation. When I am with you, I am some sort of hybrid between a man and a woman, but when I am out, I am Atan, the Geological expert".
I listen him very carefully. Many women would run from such a man, I won't. Since I am a sfenist, so I belong to a sexual minority, why shouldn't I understand him? After all, there is something that altered my personality since that violent event that destroyed my life. At that time, I grew with so much hate to all men in the world, except my dad and my brother. At some time, I wanted to become a man, to show them that I am superior to them. But I stopped. Why? Because I am Princess Nicotine and a princess needs to be a woman. It fit much better to my personality. For a woman, to dress like a man, it is more naturally then the opposite. Wearing jeans and shirt with shoes that have no heel, it is men's style already. But as Nicotiana, I have to be a woman.
And this man, in front of me, has nothing to make me anger. Even more. As a half-woman, he understands the world of women.
"So, when you're out, you are Atan. But when you are in here, who are you?" I ask.
"I don't know", he says looking in my eyes.
"Don't worry, I will help you find out who you are. You need to know your both personalities, Two-Face".
He doesn't answer anything, just lights a cigarette, as a new video starts.
"Our souls are like mirrors", I say. "A mirror can reflect anything around it. But there is only one thing it cannot reflect: itself. So, when you look at a mirror, you see everything else but the mirror itself. How do you do to see the mirror?"
"I look in another mirror, to see it".
"No. If you do that, you will see the reflection of a reflection. You look at the world with your eyes, then at the mirror. You will notice that objects are not the same in the mirror then in the world. They are a bit deformed. By looking at the differences, you can see the mirror itself. This is the same about yourself. You are a mirror and the way you transform things surrounding you, is your real personality".
"Once I've seen a picture, called 'the artist and the opera' that shows this well", I continue. "A guy was painting a woman which was sitting near him. The real woman looked like anyone should, but the painting had large breasts and long hair. This shows the hidden dreams inside the painter's brain. The same is for you. Just look at the way you deform reality and you will know your second half better and find her a name".
"I need help", he whispers.
"How would you like your woman half to be?" I ask him.
"I don't know. I built an imaginary girl in my mind a long time ago, but more I was looking at other women. But..."
"Don't be shy. Even if you say a curse, I won't harm you and nobody will".
"I want to be a copy of you".
This is more then a love declaration, more then if he kneeled in front of me with a wedding ring. What guy would do that? It shocks me more so hard that I twitch my eyes over my back.
"Did I say something bad?" he asks. "Do you disgrace this?"
"No", I say, smiling. "You just amaze me. A copy of me? I like the idea. In fact, you just said you love me".
"It is true, I love you", he answers surprised and with a huge tension in his body, "but in a different way".
"I know. In a sfenist way", I answer short, to relief him from his tension and to bring him out of a track he must not follow now. "We are sfenists. Our friendship is going to be a long and strong one, but we need to follow a certain path. If not, it will be only pain for both of us".
He remains almost immobile. It is just like I told him 'I love you'. Yes, I love him, but I know very well where will a passion relation lead to. I've been there. The moment when we will be touching our bodies, the moment he will cross a certain line, my body will reject him and I will hit him again... and maybe kill him. This is the pain of being a sfenist. A sfenist relation is far more different then a classical one. It is like the movement of subatomic particles. Protons are bounded together in the nucleus of an atom, held by a force that might resemble gravity. However, they reject one each other when distance between two is shorter then one's diameter. Not too far, not too close. If you don't respect these rules, the dark energies inside you will rip you apart.
"You want to be a copy of me", I say.
"Yes. The female inside me wants to be a copy of you".
"Does she has a name?" I ask.
"No. I mean, not yet. Do you have one for her?"
"My name, as you know, was not Ana or Nicotiana. Usually, we give girl names from flowers" I say and I type Nicotiana nana on Google image search. A beautiful flower appears. "Nicotiana nana is one sister of Nicotiana tabacum. And I am the other!"
He looks amazed.
"What flower should be, then?"
"Don't know", he answers. "Ana... What if I use something related? How about Alia?"
"Alia? What does this mean to you?"
"I heard once, in a movie. And I liked it. It is the closest to Ana and also starts with A, like Atan. Should work fine".
"Alia, then", I say short. "You will be Atan at the mine and Alia when we are together".
We watch another video, about a trans gender smoking and wearing girly clothes.
"Alia, can you go and take some coal from the railway station to put on fire?" I ask.
"I think I need to change clothes. It is night outside, but people might still see me".
"Don't worry", I say. "There is no train at this hour".
He moves out and returns after two minutes with a metal bucket full with coal. He puts coal and a bit wood in the fire, then returns.
"I will be Alia just here, while you, Nicotiana, can walk anywhere. Alia needs to become Atan outside of this house".
"All videos we've seen, show cross-dressers only inside rooms or on empty roads", I say. "I have nothing against you going to the mine in these clothes, but you will have big trouble".
"People will think that I am gay", he says.
"That will mean your death. Gay people have only two options here: run or die. The same applies for polygamy. For child abuse, the punishment is death without questions".
He looks scared, like any time I talk about killing and death. I am so used to this life. People here die all the time. Then, I come with an idea. Wow! Why not?
"Cross-dressing is not directly forbidden. You see, you have to show respect to people around them. In these mountains, you don't think like what will they think about me? Instead, you must think like this: How should I not hurt or disrespect them? The way you look and the way you behave shows your respect to the other people. Not saying hello to someone on the road, means you don't respect that person. It doesn't matter if you know or not that person, you have to show your respect. A man dressed as a woman will be a sign of disrespect, unless there is a reason for this behavior. I know a guy, popular on a TV show in the Land Of Nomads, that was a man and dressed as a woman. He had two reasons for this: The first, there are parts of the world where Muslim women have a harsh an unequal life. And second, in some parts of the world, gay people and trans-genders are killed. He wants to change mentality. But he already was a well-known TV show organizer and had a status".
"I have no status, at least here".
"Alia, what do people at the mine say about me and our friendship?"
"They are amazed that I didn't run away and say you won't kill me yet. But about you, they say sometimes that you are insane, that you are a witch, that you will steal my soul an kill me in a later future".
"A witch?" I ask with interest.
"Yes, they say you are a witch, that you can change people's mind, that you have magical powers, that you convinced the whole village to start smoking. Yes, they say they've seen you doing witchcraft, speaking in languages nobody heard. One man said you did a spell on his wife and the next week she started smoking".
I laugh.
"Yes, people think you are a witch. You know Turgai? He joins me everyday on the rail. At first, he was afraid that you will make me sorcery and you will transform me into a lunatic or God knows what".
"Do you think that I do sorcery?" I ask with a big smile, almost laughing.
"I've never seen someone to practice many religions at the same time. I thought you might, even if I don't believe such things. But well, everything is possible".
"Well, Alia, what if I do?" I say, hardly controlling my laugh. "Here is the point. I know how to talk with people, how to change their minds. The secret is not to fight against them, but to go along them and divert them slowly to another path. I do this to help them. But yes, I let them the impression of witchcraft". I laugh hard, just cannot control me. "But I like people to consider me crazy, even insane. And I love to be considered a witch. Not to mention, a nightmare to guys and their balls". I laugh again. "I make no spells, no witchcraft. If the gods want to help, they always do, but only if you are worth to receive that help. But, to keep the confusion going, one day I was boiling water in a cauldron, to wash laundry. As two fishers came along the river, I started to say: Frog eye extract... and a little lizard tail powder. And this is not all. Once, a drunk man fallen on the bridge. People were arguing what happened. Then, I said: I made a spell on him, to fall if he will ever come drunk to the rail station. So, people think I am a witch".
"So, you are not a witch!", he says.
"No, I am not. But people think I am. But what if... I make you a spell? This is the maddest thing I've ever tried. What if... The radio will beep soon, as the last train will go to the mine. There are a few passengers on it. What if we come to the rail platform, dressed as we are now? You start moving back to the house, so that people will see you. And I will tell them that I made you a spell to look like a woman. How about? Imagine the confusion tomorrow at the mine! When you will go to work, just pretend you know nothing. Oh, this is brilliant!"
He doesn't like the idea, but follows me. We go to the station, on the bench. It is dark and cold. We light a cigarette. I can feel that Alia is nervous. The radio beeps, telling in Morse that a train is coming. I smoke like always, but now, for the first time, he is smoking faster then me. I even turn on the light on the platform, a thing that I usually don't do.
"Calm down!" I say. "Just wait".
"Just don't put me get dressed like this to the mine!"
"No. Alia will not go to the mine, only Atan will. But in the house and around the house, Alia can freely move happy".
We finish our cigarettes and others, when the train comes. We can hear and see it. And to make things more complicated, a woman arrives at the station, willing to get in the train. Alia looks inside my eyes, then starts smiling. In this time, I start moving my hands around his head, like when I do sorcery. The woman looks at my hands, then at his feet. She sure notices that this is a man with a dress and pantyhose.
The train stops. A few people go down, the woman gets up. The engineer shouts:
"For the holly name of Allah! Ana, what have you done?"
"Witchcraft", I shout. He can't hear you!"
"Atan, what!!!" shouts someone in the train.
"I told you that witch will kill him!"
"Atan, buddy, can you hear me? Can you hear me? Damn it, bitch! I'll kill you if he doesn't come tomorrow to work!"
I say some meaningless words, something that doesn't mean anything in any language. Then, I tell Alia at the ear: "Go back home!" and crack my hands four times. He moves home.
"Look! He doesn't even see us!" shouts someone.
I go inside the station and signal through radio that the train is departing. Then, I return to the platform and signal the train to go.
"I'll kill you if anything happens to him!" shouts a passenger.
"Watch your words, if you don't want to end-up like him!" I answer.
We return to the house.
"Oh mine!" says Alia, looking down to my feet. "Tomorrow, the whole mine will explode!"
"Remember, you know nothing. You don't remember even being on the platform, you never worn women cloths, you were watching a movie!"
He laughs, full of excitement.
"This is the first time I walk out like this".
"And won't be the last time, Alia. I know, tomorrow and for a while, the mine will explode hearing things like this, but in the end everything will calm".
"Nicotiana, so you want me to do this again?"
"As long as you like it. I gave you a boost, to make a forward step that you would never do on your own. It now depends on you how many steps and how far you are going to do".
"Thank you".
He waits a bit and says: "But will they kill you?"
"Who?" I ask while laughing. "Only if I kill you first. But that is not going to happen".
"Yet", says Alia with a big smile.
"I have no plans to kill you", I answer, understanding his joke "...yet".
We stay in the room, almost in the same way: with one foot over the other, looking at each other and lighting together a cigarette. It will soon be time to sleep. I just cannot imagine what a bomb will this be in the entire village. Atan will be asked by anyone at the mine. There are no phones or cell phones in these mountains, but news travel very fast. What should I do with my parents and my sisters? I kept some distance between them and him. They will find out and I need to put things in such a way that nothing bad will happen. I just hope everything will go as my plan takes shape in my mind. If it does, there will be a clear path for all of us, here, at the end of the world.
*****
I get fast to sleep, but not Alia. I hear him moving in bed and lighting two cigarettes during the night. Then, the 3 AM train is coming. I wake-up and go to the station. All passes without incidents, even if I recognize the same engineer.
Then, I find him sleeping, while I cannot close an eye. I keep on moving in bed and I light a few cigarettes. But finally I have to wake him up. We eat, he changes clothes into Atan and we go to the station.
None on the platform knows what happen. The train comes. But, in the light of the morning, the engineer (the same one!) shouts:
"Atan, where is your skirt?"
"What skirt?" he says, moving in the train.
"the one you were wearing last night", he answers.
I watch as the train vanishes, climbing along the river. Then, I keep listening its engine and creaks, until nothing can be heard. Then, I go to the house and lie on the bed.
"You know what you've done", says my shadow.
"Yes, I know. But I was wide awake and completely awake about it. And I fully assume the consequences".
"You just lighted the fuse. The explosion will come".
"I did. And I did this without violating the unwritten law".
An airplane flying from Singapore to New York will fly over Alaska. Looking on a plane Earth map, you would say this is insane, expecting the flight path to pass over Central Pacific. However, if you look on a globe Earth, you realize that this is the shortest route.
Elementary school, Geography class
In a plain, if you want to walk from point A to point B, the best option is to follow a straight line. In the mountains, a straight line will always be impossible. If anyone asks me, I never follow a straight line, but always keep my eyes at the target. Sometimes, evasive left-right movements, to avoid obstacles and to create confusion, are the best ways. Other times, they are not the best option, but doing so, you can pick-up resources to keep on going. And anyway, it is much more fun doing this then following a straight line.
In this case, my target is to make Alia - Atan happy. The first step was to convince him start smoking. Without this step, nothing can be achieved. For others, maybe. But for me, Nicotiana, it certainly is impossible. Now, with the second step: to make him have a few feminine aspects in his life. I don't think it will ever be a good option for him to go to work as a trans-gender or a cross-dresser, but in and around the house, that is another story. The best strategy was to make him stay in the railway station, dressed as a woman, as a train came. I know what will now happen. He will be under huge pressure at the mine, from all his coworkers. The news will spread through the villages around, like a thunder. But, just this is the game. In Astronomy, a bright star won't last long, it goes supernova and dies. A small, dim star, on the other hand, might last longer then a whole galaxy. The news will be on everyone's lips for a while, then they will turn to other things.
There are two weak points in my plan. One is Alia - Atan. If he fails to do as I told him and will not help with the confusion, then there will not be a blast, but an agonizing death. The second weak spot is my former family: my parents and my sisters, Abida and Cemis. I also have a brother, but he lives far from us, so he is not part of the equation... yet.
What will Atan do at the mine? I don't know. Filling my brain with puzzling questions will not help. For my parents and my sisters, I have a plan. Just hope it will work this way.
Atan's Story
I go and take the train, having no idea what will be at the mine. I've never done the things Nicotiana wants me to do, but... why not? I will play her game. She seems smarter then me. The train engineer shouted on the platform: "Atan, where's your skirt?" but I didn't bother. But, once I got in, people started to talk and look strange at me. But, I manage to go to the mine without incidents.
There, I open the computer and see the 3D image of this mine. All rock samples are on the model, with colors indicating what the laboratory found. I think I am starting to understand where is the copper. I make a decision and go to the office where works the second in command and ask for a vertical drill on the other side of mountain Octagon. If I am right, the copper deposit forms a straight line under the mountain ,to the other side, ending close to the surface and continuing over the Octagon valley.
I talk to him about this idea and he agrees. But, doing so, will require building a road to the other side... and in winter, it's a hard task. We could carry some equipment on horses, but also that is not a solution in winter. He still comes with an idea: to send a small team, with me, to take samples from the surface or dig up to a meter. This might still work... but climbing the mountain and going on the other side, now, in winter, is a hard task, since all is covered with snow.
The drill is held until spring, but he accepts my challenge.
Then comes lunch break, when everybody comes out to eat and talk. The first to come, is my good friend Turgai.
"Hey, Atan, the whole mine is talking about you. They say some people seen you on Callisto station, wearing women clothes, while Ana was making witchcraft over your head", he says.
"That is false", I answer.
I just say this, when two miners, Kong and Bagdad, come and open their meals.
"Oh, here is the lady!" says Kong, while other miners come and laugh of him.
"I swear I've seen this guy dressed as a woman!" says Bagdad.
"Me?" I answer laughing. Have you lost your mind, Bagdad?"
"Atan, you don't remember?" he says.
"Remember what? I say, acting as I knew nothing.
"I don't believe it!" says Bagdad almost screaming. "He was saying in Callisto station, dressed as a woman. He didn't even answer to my hails. And that bitch was moving her hands above his head!"
"Bagdad, are you drunk?" I say, a bit bothered. "How could I be dressed as a woman?"
"Shut up, infidel! How could I be drunk when I am a Muslim? How about that, Kong?"
"My wife was in the train too", says Kebab, another miner. "I didn't believe her!"
"Kebab, just how could I dress like a woman?" I ask him with a false anger.
"She was on the train platform, watching you dressed as a woman, while Ana was focus on her spell, man! Ask her! My wife came from her mother!"
"What is all this about?" I answer very surprised. "Are you making funny of me?"
"I was right there, in the train, Atan", says Bagdad again. "You remember nothing, buddy? Oh, man! Just as that bitch said he won't remember anything!"
"I told you to get out of there", says Kong.
"I don't believe you", I say. "I was in the house, watching TV. I remember when Nicotiana said that a train is coming. I didn't lost my mind, Bagdad".
"You don't believe me? Listen, Kong! He doesn't believe me!"
"Atan, you don't remember?" asks Kong, surprised.
"Witchcraft!"
The voice is from a woman I know. She is Sofia, she keeps a small shop near the mine. Everybody looks at her as silence covers all.
"We have two witnesses!" she says. "First one is Sword, the train engineer. He slept here over the night, in the engine! I came to bring him a warm cup of coffee. He confessed to me, but I didn't believe!"
"Sword?" says Kong.
"Yea, Sword", continues Sofia. "You all know him".
People laugh, because they know that Sword has an extra-marriage relationship with Sofia... or at least that is what they say.
"Silence!" shouts Sofia. "Bagdad, are you sure you've seen this with your eyes?"
"I am sure!" he shouts.
"Can you swear on your gods?"
"For the holly name of Allah, woman!", he says. "What do you think? That I would invent such a story and say all this crap here? Did Atan do anything bad to me?"
"I am born in these mountains and know them very well", continues Sofia. "And I know Ana. But I've never imagined she can do such a sorcery. Atan, what do you say for yourself?"
"I say what I said: that I was in home, watching TV. I remember well, when she went out saying that a train is coming", I answer, with a strong accent on every word. "And you, people, are just making fun out of me. Just stop this non-sense!"
"How dare you!" shouts Bagdad, full of anger. "I sworn on my mother's tomb! Do you think I would dare to lie on such a thing? I want your guts spread on the snow!"
People start yelling at us, to stop. nobody wants a fight on the snow.
"Hold it!" shouts Sofia. "Men have the right to engage, women have the right to stop. So, you both stop. This man sworn on his mother's tomb. Does anyone think he is lying?"
Everybody answers a 'no' to this.
"Do you, Atan, swear on your gods or on your parents that you were watching TV when Ana went out for the train?"
"I don't remember going to the station or wearing women clothes!" I answer, knowing that if I swear I will lie.
"Just swear, Atan!" she insists.
What should I do? Lie? I don't dare, I know the truth. Just invent something...
"I don't know. Maybe I don't remember. But how could I?" I say, scared of the situation.
"I know what I've seen!" shouts Bagdad.
Now, I see a chance, without swearing. What if I play a new track?
"Bagdad, it is not that I don't believe you, it is that I don't remember such a thing".
"So, you believe me?" he asks.
"Yes. I believe you, since you sworn, but I don't remember. How could that happen?"
People start talking one to another about this. Sofia returns to her shop. I look how everyone talks about me. I continue a conversation with Kong and Bagdad.
"Do you believe me now?" asks Bagdad.
"I do believe you, but I am shocked that I don't remember anything".
"She will kill you, man!" says a miner passing by.
"So be it", I answer... "But even so, I love her".
"Hey, Kong, you hear what he just said?" says Bagdad. "That is no good, man. She will not kill you with a knife, but slowly, piece by piece".
"Get out of that house, man", says Kong.
I stay at the computer late. I moved to the station only one minute before the train should depart, to avoid conversations. But, the train just arrives. It is a bit out of schedule. The engineer has to detach the engine and do some maneuvers to lock it on the other side of the train, so we can go. He does all as fast as possible. The engine is locked, when the engineer jumps out to take a cup of coffee. Oh no! It's Sword! As he goes to the small shop, he comes with Sofia. My heart beats wild. I know what will now happen. They both come near the crowd, while Sofia points her hand at me. She makes a sign for everyone to make silence.
"You've seen him on the Callisto station?" she asks, shouting.
"Yes, I did", answers Sword. "He was dressed like a woman. At first, I thought there were two women, one making the other one's hair".
Everyone is surprised and starts mumbling something.
"You don't remember, Atan?"
"No, he was under a spell from that witch!" shouts Bagdad. "I was in the train and seen all, but he doesn't remember a thing!"
"He was like a woman", says Sword. "With a skirt, with pantyhose like a woman, while Nicotiana was moving her hands above his head".
"I told you!" shouts Bagdad.
"People were screaming at him, but he didn't answer!" says Sword again. "Then Nicotiana said: 'He cannot hear you, he is under a spell. He won't remember anything tomorrow'. Then she cracked her hands and he woke-up and moved away just as if nothing happened".
"She is going to kill you!" says someone.
"Get out of there, will you?" says another one.
"You're not the first one she kills!" I hear another voice.
"Hurry up, people!" says Sword. "I am late".
Everybody gets in the train and we start. I sit near my friend Turgai. We don't talk. I watch the landscape, trying to get away from everyone's eyes.
"You know what I think?" says Turgai. "I think Ana really has done something to you, but you do remember something. I know she is a witch, but she cannot do such things. Maybe you are too shame to recognize that".
"I do remember something", I say, "but not clear. Anyway, whatever she does, I won't leave her. I love her and you know it".
"I think you remember more", he says. "This is why you didn't swear. If you really didn't remember, you would have swear on your gods".
He rises from the bench, as the train approaches his station. And I keep avoiding anyone's eyes, until I reach Callisto and get down from the train.
Cemis's Story
Every day, I wake up and clean the barn, give food to our horse and cows. Then I milk the cows. It is winter and they stay almost all day inside. After I milk them, I come to my parents and we eat breakfast together, then smoke together. Later, my sister Abida comes to us and we hangout about an hour every day. She is the oldest sister and got married a few months ago.
I go out from the house, to a neighbor that wants to cut a calf. We want a part of the meat and we will be paying with what we have: handmade cigarettes, which my other sister, Ana, makes in every year. She is obsessed about nicotine and smoking. Well, this is how she is since I knew her. She started smoking when she were 6 or maybe younger... and she convinced all of us to smoke. Even her name, Nicotiana, is smoky enough. But, never mind. She might be strange, but she is my sister. I go to that man and tell him that we want some meat and we pay in handmade cigarettes. He accepts, then says:
"Do you know Atan?"
"Yes, Ibrahim. Ana's new friend".
"Her new victim, I would say, Cemis".
"Their problem", I answer, lighting a cigarette. "I am not standing between them".
"I heard that she made a spell on Atan".
"Could be, I don't care".
"Cemis, he was sitting in the railway station, dressed as a woman, while Ana was moving her hands above his head!"
"This is a shock!" I answer. "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am. And when she cracked her hands, he woke-up and moved to the house, like nothing was around him!"
"Who told you this?"
"Velvet."
I know Velvet. She stays reasonably close to the station. But I don't like her.
I return home. There, I find Abida there, with my parents.
"Ibrahim accepted the offer!" I say while entering the house.
"Cemis, do you know what Small Wonder just did?" says immediately Abida.
"Witchcraft on Atan", I answer. Who told you?"
"Iunas. He came here to tell us", says my dad.
"Did he see it with his own eyes?"
"No, but his brother went down from the train", answers Abida, finishing her cigarette.
"This girl just cannot stay out of trouble", complains dad. "I don't understand what is she up to".
"She always takes sharp decisions", mom says. "You think she is going forward, but suddenly she changes her way. But why like this?"
"What does she want to do with Atan?" asks Abida. "Kill him?"
"I don't think she wants to kill him", I answer. "I think she loves him".
"Is this her love?" asks Abida puzzled.
"First she almost killed him, then made him look like a woman!" wonders dad. "How long will that man hold on?"
"She tried to kill him to force him smoke", adds mom. "I understand this well, after all, she convinced me to start smoking. And we live by growing tobacco and selling handmade cigarettes".
"That guy must be just as weird as she is", says dad, with a bitter look.
I laugh. I never get between Ana (or Small Wonder, as my parents call her) and anyone. It always ends-up bad for anyone that tries, while Ana, I never know how, wins almost always.
"People say that she were doing witchcraft", I say.
"I can believe that", says mom, "but I don't understand the purpose for".
"This is all my fault", says dad. "It was my guilt that I let her with that over-over-cursed tourist for forest fruits. This altered her. I suffer in every day for it. My gods, will this ever end?"
"Stop it", says Abida, gently touching his hair and his back. "I think we have to go to her. We have to talk with that stranger. She tries to keep us at some distance from all, but we need to do something."
"The unwritten law says that you can cross the law of freedom if someone is in risk of losing its life", continues Abida. "But still, I don't see the risk that Atan or Small Wonder will get killed".
"Not yet", I say.
"What do you mean, dear?" looks mom into my eyes.
"It is ok if we come to her and talk with both of them. But as long as nobody is going to kill nobody, we just stay out of this. Remember when I tried to get between she and Stromboli? Small Wonder could stop him easy. I tried to stop both and got hits from both of them. They ruined my hair that day".
We agree. At noon, when my parents go to Ana, I will go to, with Abida. We have to find out what's happening there. My plan is that, if Ana doesn't want help, I will just step aside and watch what will happen. Abida, also doesn't seem to interfere much. But our parents are not like that. Well, as long as Ana does not do something unexpected, as she always does.
Ana's Story
I sit in the railway station. The train that went up to the mines, with Alia - Atan, will come back down soon. And as usual, just minutes after it, a train with coal will follow. I know the same driver will be. He will return to Jupiter, the largest station. His shift should be over, I think. Well, engineers don't work 24/7 as we do. They make arrangements one with the other, to keep the trains going on. The radio beeps just when expected.
When I was born, stations were connected by a phone line. But the soft started to glimpse. They replaced phones with beepers and buttons and started to use Morse code. But hyperinflation hit hard. People were starving and they started to steal the cables. Trains were going blind. A few collisions were nearly to happen. The huge speed restrictions avoid trains to go fast and that saved us from a disaster. After hyperinflation stopped, the mine hired an electrician, Dimitri. He came with some radio devices (in fact, walkie-talkie things), disassembled them and connected them with our beeping buttons, with portable radios and with megaphones. Each station has one main receiving antenna and two umbrella shaped antennas, to send, each one oriented to the upstream and downstream stations. Without them, trains are going blind. When a train arrives or departs, we signal upstream and downstream stations. The signal includes a long beep (to wake up who is listening), followed by a short-name of the station, direction where the train is going and an indicative of what kind of train it is. We also have a draw of the station, with links to upstream and downstream station. When a train is there, we put a rock on the draw. In past, we had a display with lights, but it is long gone.
The message says "Beeeeep! GAN P CAL". Ganymede, passenger train towards Callisto. When the train will arrive, I will send the message "Beeeeep! CAL P ALM" (Callisto, passenger train towards Almathea), both to Ganymede and Almathea stations. Then, I will signal the train to move. Sometimes, we add other messages. The most famous is "DRUNK" and it's a nightmare. A drunk train engineer. It rarely happens, but there is nothing worse possible.
Well, I focus on this, to keep my head clean of ideas. I otherwise would be in tension, since I know what happens right now at the mine and at my parents' house. Just hope that, at noon, when my parents will come, everything will go the way I want.
A few people come to take the train. They talk a lot and they look at me.
"Ana, is it true that that stranger was dressed like a woman?" asks immediately someone.
"Yes", I answer with a smile.
"How is it possible?" asks someone else.
"I made him a spell", I answer quick.
"But why?"
"No reason".
"No reason?" asks someone. "There must be a reason".
"Anyway, he doesn't remember anything", I continue.
"Ana, please, stop", says an old woman. "You're going too far! What bad thing did he do to you?"
"Nothing... yet".
"If you don't want him, just let him go, don't torture him like this", adds the old woman.
"She won't stop", says someone else. "And that stranger is mad in love after her!"
"It is our problem, you stay out of this", I add.
"You're going to kill him!" says someone else.
"No, I am not going to kill him... yet".
"But why, Ana? Why do you do all this?" asks a woman.
"I told you, with no reason".
"If you torture him, he has the right to do the same to you", says an old man.
"We'll see", I answer. "But before that happens, if ever, I will have enough fun!"
"Is this funny? I think you're insane!" says a young man.
"Insane or not, he came to me, not me to him".
"You almost killed Stromboli and Abdul. But what you do to this guy, is far beyond. You've better killed him fast, then let him suffer like this".
"What I can tell you for sure is that this is not the first time I do witchcraft on him and for sure not the last time. It is the first time he thought he is a woman, but for sure not the last one".
"Well, better you make him think he is a cuckoo bird and sing naked on the roof of the train station" says someone.
They all laugh, even I laugh.
"Maybe he will spot the trains coming better then those megaphones".
The train comes and they all get inside. All the time, I was calm, with a little, charming smile. I gave the impression of a person that did nothing. Just like if they see me smoking, I would answer calm: "Yes, I smoked another one 20 minutes ago".
Now, I must prepare for my parents. They will come soon here. Should I do something special? No, they are just my parents. I better try to cook something. Anyway, when you have visits from relatives or neighbors, you host them in the kitchen. Now, let's see... I should make a soup, but what to put in it? Let's check out what I have...
I keep cooking, until I hear radio beeps. A train is coming. I know, it is time it should come. I go and do my job. After the train passes, I return. Well, my parents will come very soon. Like everybody in here, they use the train schedule like a clock. Everyone knows when trains will come. Now, there is not much time. I hope my strategy will work... if they come alone. If they take my sisters, it will be more complicated. Well, time to make some cookies!
"Help me, Shadow!" I whisper, as I hear some voices. They are coming. From the station, they now cross the bridge over the river and it's a matter of seconds until they reach the house. I can see them on the window. They will go directly into the kitchen, as always. The door opens. Well, both my parents and my sisters. All are here.
"Oh, welcome to all of you!" I say with a smile, looking in their eyes, to see what to expect.
My parents are serious, by their look. I see in my father's eyes a pain. I know and that makes me suffer. Anytime I do something I shouldn't do, it is the same pain. He wants to change me, but he knows that I never let him to. He is just like always, with dark grey clothes and a woolen hat. My mother looks also affected, but there is a smile in her eyes. It looks more like 'what are you up to' then 'what have you done'. She is in a dark yellow winter coat, with a dark sweater. Cemis is looking like 'Ana, I have nothing to do with this, tell me what to do' and wears a blue coat with knee-long skirt and boots, but her black pantyhose are visible a she takes a seat. Abida is looking like 'I want to know what's going on and that's all' as she is wearing an old fur coat, with a dark grey knee-length skirt and boots. But again, you can see her dark-blue pantyhose. Alia - Atan will like to see this, I think. For sure, they will stay until he comes. They all want to know him better. I took my green dress, which he bought me, with a dark red sweater. And since it's cold, I took black opaque tights and layered green pantyhose over them. The result is a darker green, warmer for my feet, a good think since around the house I move in plastic slippers.
"Small Wonder", says my dad, "would you tell us what is going on?"
A fast, direct approach. I must not say I don't know, they know well. The whole village knows.
"About what?" I ask, not being curious.
"About that guy, Atan, you keep in your house", he continues.
"People say he was dressed like a woman", says Cemis with a smile, lighting a cigarette.
"Yes, it is true", I answer very calm, lighting my cigarette. "Here", I say as I put a pack and an astray on the table.
"People say you were doing witchcraft", says my mom, as she lights one.
"Yes", adds Abida, lighting one too. "Is that true?"
"Yes, I was doing a spell to him, but never expected to get things like that".
"so, it is true", says my dad, making a cloud of smoke. "But why, Small wonder?"
"This was not my plan", I say, as all the eyes watch me.
"First of all", starts my mom. "Are you trying to kill him or make him suffer?"
"No. And I sworn him I wont".
The small room gets full with smoke, like always when they all come. They want to open the door a little bit. Well, my addiction to smoking is beyond any limit. All of them smoke because of me.
"It was like this", I start speaking after taking a drag. "I've seen some strange patterns in his personality, like he wants a different life then what he has. So, I did to him what I do. I placed my hands around his head and started moving them, asking Actit for help. And suddenly, he started to talk, but with a different voice. I never experienced something like that. He said 'I am half man, half woman. With the body of a man, but the soul of a woman'. This was the first time".
"You mean you've done many times this on him?" asks Abida.
"Yes, many times. It all started after I found out that he wears pantyhose under his trousers".
they look surprised. Cemis laughs at this. Abida looks very serious. Dad looks a bit disgusted, while mom takes it like a big surprise.
"He has the body of a man, but the soul of a woman", I repeat.
"Is he gay?" asks my dad, with much disgust in his eyes.
"No, not gay, I answer. And he loves me. You see this dress? He bought to me. And many clothes".
"I knew he loves you", says Cemis with a smile, taking her cigarette to her mouth.
"But do you love him?" asks my mom.
"Yes, I do", I answer with a huge smile and release.
I see a glimpse of hope in my dad's eyes. All his pain comes from knowing I am a sfenist and I cannot have sex, so no guy will ever remain around me.
"Is he... sfenist?" says Abida, with a mathematic coldness in her eyes.
She knows I am a sfenist? I never told my sisters or my brother that, because they could tell others. Only my parents knew. They must have told them. Well, no time to show surprised, let's be calm.
"Yes, he is a sfenist", I answer, with a strong voice, almost like a man. "That's the reason why I chosen him and that's the reason I rejected all other guys over and over".
Immediately, I see a major change in their eyes. Cemis takes all with a smile of happiness, like saying 'the story looks well, there is no need to get involved... Ana is OK'. My mom looks like 'what a surprise! All my prays, all my fasting and tears have brought this guy here'. Dad doesn't look happy, like saying 'I hoped you will recover one day... or one handsome guy will take you out from this state and give me back the daughter I had'. Well, Abida looks like 'Now I get the whole story, it makes sense'.
"That happened even before I tried to kill him", I continue. Since then, he is half a man, when at work, but half a woman, when at home..."
"Doesn't it sound disgusting?" says my dad.
"Hey!" I hear my mom. "Don't you see? Small Wander hates men. You remember when she said she would like to rape all men with a... I don't remember what and then crucify all men in the world?"
"I do", says Abida, as she lights another cigarette. "Well, I think they match. They have many things in common".
"Just don't kill him, Ana, will you?" says Cemis, as she lights another cigarette.
"I didn't finish the story", I say.
"Continue, Small Wonder", says my mom, as she takes two cigarettes: one for herself and one for my dad.
"Half man, as he becomes a man at work, but half woman, as he comes at home. After I heard he saying this, he didn't remember anything. But, I gave him the widest skirt I have, which is too large for me. And he felt so naturally in it. I just couldn't believe it! So, I decided to buy a few women clothes for him, for when he is at home".
I make a little pause, to light another cigarette.
"All worked like this, without anyone knowing. All, until that night, when I made the spell again. And he said: 'It is time for anyone to know this, that inside this body lives the soul of a woman' and he stood up. I asked 'Atan, are you there?' and he said... or at least that voice said 'no, he is not here'. And I asked 'who you are' and the voice answered 'I am Alia'. So, what could I do?"
They are all shocked.
"I don't believe it", says Abida.
"I do", says Cemis.
I take a full drag of smoke and continue:
"The train was coming, so I had to go to the station. He followed me to the station, in women clothes. I did not know what to do. It was time to wake him up. I tried, but got the spell wrong. I tried again... The train was coming, so I tried and got it right, but the train was there. So, everybody seen it".
"I don't believe it", says my dad. I know you have powers, but not that much. And I never seen any wizard in the mountains, able to do that. I think that you are half true, but half this is a lie. I don't know what part. And you know that if he is a gay, the unwritten law says we will have to kill him or force him leave".
"This works only on him, on nobody else. And I don't know why. I even don't know how I did it to work like this. I do sorcery for a long time, but never made the shadow of a person to speak".
"I believe you", says my mom. "But be careful, you are doing something you don't know. Wrong spell and you'll kill him".
"That sounds plausible to me", adds Abida, playing with her long blonde hair.
"Well, Small Wonder", says my dad, you always have token strange decisions through your life. You made me cry many times, as you seem to go towards the gates of hell. I always trusted you and I will always do. Only that to me, this guy is too strange. On the other hand, he is somehow not stranger then you are".
Cemis laughs at this, while Abida watches all calm. My mom has a hidden smile, while my dad lights another cigarette and says:
"I have nothing against you, if you want to be with him. If I have something against, is his strange woman side. The only thing I do want, now, is to see him. We will wait until the train comes. Don't worry, even if it sounds strange and he might be not my type, I won't stop you. Anyway, there is no force rather then gods, able to stop you. I never could".
This is better then expected. So, if my dad accepts this, there will be peace between us. I don't want a war with my parents.
Now, let's wait the evening train...
All Together
The evening train should come soon. I hear the radio beeps, wait a bit and go to the station. There are two persons waiting at the platform, but they seem to ignore me. It looks like they heard the story and avoid me. Well, just hope Alia - Atan did what his part.
I hear the train coming. Then, I see it: the old engine, carrying 3 rusted wagons. The train stops and people go down, while the two that were waiting go up. Alia - Atan comes directly to me. He looks so exhausted. We hug each other, like after a hard day. But... while I hug him, I see that everyone is at the windows, watching us.
"Ana!" shouts a man.
"Yes, Bagdad. What do you want?"
"I've seen you last night, in train! Tell the truth or die!"
"Watch your words, or you will be dancing like a cuckoo in a tree!" I say, while other people laugh.
"Tell the truth or I'll kill you!" he insists. "Last night you were here with Atan on the platform and he was dressed as a woman!"
"That's true", I answer with a smile.
"You see?" Bagdad shouts. "She is a witch! If Atan dies, you will die too! By my hands!"
"Shut up, Bagdad", shouts Alia - Atan. "Witch or not, I love her. And if this makes her happy, I will let her even kill me!"
We get fast inside the station. I radio contact nearby stations, then signal the train to go.
"Die, bitch!" says someone as the train departs.
I look in his eyes. He had a hard day. I just imagine what happened.
"Did you tell them that you remember nothing?"
"I told them that I don't remember anything and they forced me to swear. Well, I managed not to... They all think you made me sorcery".
I hear as he tells me a few more details. After a few minutes, I say:
"Well played, partner! But now, another game awaits us. My parents and my sisters are here. They want to know you. Pretend you remember nothing from last night. I've told them that was not the first time I made you a spell and you don't remember even those events. Also, I told them you are a sfenist and they understood. I told them that you wear pantyhose and that in house you dress-up like a woman".
"You did that?" he says, not accepting my actions.
"It is the best way. Past my parents and sisters, nothing will go. Nobody will know that you are a sfenist, just as nobody knows that I am".
"I mean, about the pantyhose I wear hidden".
"Now, when the whole world knows you were dressed like a woman? It is too late. Don't fail now, it is too late. You will ruin everything. Just go to the kitchen with me, say hello to them. Then, go to the house and change in Alia. Then, be friendly to them".
We go. I can see that this is too much for him. But, not for me! I like to do these kind of things. We enter the house and say hello to all of them. I make presentations and tell them that "This is Atan. He will go to change into Alia and then we will eat". I go with him to the house and wait him in the shoe changing room. I realize it will be too hard for him to return to the kitchen on his own. It takes too long and I see he is not changing.
"come on, you will ruin everything!" I say.
"This is too much for me!"
"This should be too much for me too. I heard over 50 people today saying that they will kill me".
"Help me pick up something that will match".
I enter and help him. I pick a black and white sweater, a white knee-long dress, black tights and open-toe sandals. We go together, holding our hands, to the kitchen. We enter and I say:
"And this is Alia!"
He takes a seat and I start adjusting the table and putting food on it. I look at their eyes. Alia - Atan looks so embarrassed, even scared a bit. Cemis is smiling, even laughing a bit. She is laughing to see something she never seen, not to be against him. My mom examines him, mainly by looking in his eyes, not at the clothes too much. Her look is like 'strange guy, but good soul, definitively good for you'. My dad looks with one eye closed. Clearly he doesn't like that. It is against his wish, to have me married with a normal man. But also, I see the pain in his eyes. He has suffered more then anyone because I am a sfenist. Abida, on the other hand, watches him mathematic cold eyes, like always. She certainly accepts him, as he is not a thread to me.
The tradition says that people don't speak while eating. It is considered a sign of disrespect for the host. And this is just what is needed. My planning was perfect. It is good that for a few minutes they all look at each other, without talking. We eat the soup, then comes the second meal of the day. And then, a few cookies for everyone, with enough milk.
When many people gather together, we put a round, low table in the middle, while we all sit around it. Also, the food is placed in a large pot and everyone takes as much as it needs, in its own plate. Like always, I cook with vegetables and milk-based products. But since this is a rare occasion, I also added small slices of meat to everyone. Here goes all the meat in the house!
Then, I take the plates in a plastic basin and put water from a bucket over them. I will wash them later. I put a plastic bag full with handmade cigarettes and two lighters, together with the ashtray, so that all of us can smoke. And just as expected, we all light a cigarette.
The main problem is that Alia - Atan does not speak well yet our native language. So, on many occasions, I have to translate everything.
My dad starts to ask him general questions, like: were are you from, what religion are you, what you do, how much you earn, how is the world from where you come; general things like this. Then, my mom starts to ask him things like do you like here, have you adapted to this place, to the people, to the unwritten law... Then, my dad says:
"Do you like our daughter?"
"Yes, I do", he says.
"Do you know what she did to you last night?"
"The witchcraft? I heard from the people at the mine. I remember nothing".
My dad is so surprised! They all look at him.
"Really? You don't remember?" says Abida.
"No, nothing. When I came to the mine, people were asking me over and over again. I was so surprised, that they had to swear and I still didn't believe them".
"Are you angry on Ana for this?" asks Cemis.
"Not for what she has done, but for the way she has done", explains Alia - Atan. "I don't like that she didn't tell me anything and I found out all from the miners".
"You are not angry that she made you stay in the railway station dressed as a woman?" says my mom.
"No. I would have accepted this, if this made her happy".
"Are you angry that she tried to kill you?" asks my dad.
"No, I am not angry on that. But I was scared to death. And I still am".
"Relax! I won't kill you as long as you smoke!" I say.
"What do your parents say about our daughter?" asks my mom.
"Hey!" says Cemis. How could them know from such far away?"
"Yes, they don't know anything yet", says Alia - Atan. "But I don't talk to them much".
"You should", says my dad. "One day, you should".
"I just waited for Nicotiana to see if she will kill me. If I survive long enough, I will tell them".
The conversation lasts long in night. It changes to many subjects: from some calf meat my parents want to buy, to how are we going to plant tobacco in spring, to what if hyperinflation will strike again the next year... a lot of things. But not only.
"So, you were wearing pantyhose before?" asks Abida.
"Yes, but nobody ever noticed until Nicotiana".
I laugh.
"You like wearing them, don't you?" says Abida again.
"I do", he says.
"No problem", says Cemis, laughing and taking off her boots. "Look, I wear too! But I guess mine are a bit more transparent then yours", she says, showing her toes.
"We all wear", says my mom, showing them where her jeans end.
"All of us except dad", laughs Cemis. "Dad, put on some pantyhose, will you?"
Even dad laughs at this joke. but something to Cemis, to shut up.
"Well", says Abida, while lighting a cigarette, "you got what you deserved, Ana. Your obsession with smoking made us all start to smoke, plus all your fellow at school, high school, university, coworkers... not to mention the whole village. Now, you meet a person with another obsession, probably as strong as yours".
"Smoking is good", I reply short, lighting another cigarette.
"I know", adds Abida, but it is not about the thing itself. It is about the way you tell everyone that it is a good thing".
"Works for me!" says Cemis, lighting a cigarette for herself.
"also works for me", says Alia - Atan, lighting one.
And immediately, our parents light their cigarettes. Well, the kitchen is as large as the rooms in the house, but still small. With 6 smokers, it gets too smoky inside, but still manageable for me. I have to go, as the radio beeps and a train will come... the same train when Alia - Atan was wearing women clothes in the station. Then, I return to the house.
They all decide to go. And they do, after we smoke one last cigarette together. As they go, Cemis makes one final joke. She wants Alia - Atan not to shake hands, as men do, but to shake feet. They touch each other, knee by knee. Then, she does the same with me. My dad remains behind a bit and talks with him.
Without Ana noticing, her dad says to the stranger:
"You have no idea what this girl has been through. I realize that she did all this for a reason, she never does things at random. I think the reason is that she wants you to be happy, to allow your feminine soul to dress like a woman. You must realize that she has token a huge risk. Only to us, at least 10 people said that they will kill her. With other words, she risked her life for you. I am going to put it all, straight. If anything happens to her, I will kill you. And beware, you are not the first one I've killed".
We return to the house and make fire. We relax on the bed, watching the shadows and lights the fire makes on the walls. We lie in bed, holding one each other by hand, but in such a way that we can touch each other's feet, at the knee. We both light a cigarette and smoke with the other hand.
"Mission won!" I say. "It was a huge gamble, but I did it. From now, Alia can walk in skirts and dresses around the house. We will need some other appearances like this from time to time".
"I must say thank you", he answers. "You risked your life for me".
"It is not the first time I risk my life to make someone happy", I answer. "But as long as you don't die, nobody will kill me".
"Thank you for everything".
"You're welcome!"
"I started to like the huge confusion you created to everyone at the mine".
I laugh, dropping some ash on the bed. "It is not the first time... and for sure not the last time".
"You've done similar things?"
"You have no idea. How many tons of counterfeited tobacco I carried over the border, you don't imagine. This is how I survived at the University, by selling cigarettes. One time, I filled five benches in a train with packs of cigarettes. I just placed the packs inside the tiny gap between benches and the wall. But when I seen the police coming, I just stepped outside the train and lighted a cigarette. They discovered what was inside and one of them came to me: 'Miss, do you know what is inside the train?' 'Cigarettes', I answered. 'Do you know who put them here or where they're going?' And I answered: 'No, only that there I found this pack!' and showed him what I was smoking. But the real reason I let them discover all those cigarettes was another one. They thought they hit the jackpot, without knowing that in the next train, I had about 20 times more cigarettes placed in sacks covered with clothes. The first cigarettes went to the news, the latter ones went to make some lungs happy. And this is not the only time I took a gamble".
It is getting dark and late. We are exhausted and we must get to sleep. The plates remain unwashed in the kitchen. Maybe tomorrow. But, as we get ready to sleep, Alia - Atan says:
"Nicotiana, I think I know what should be the next step".
"What do you have in mind?"
"What if I will come tomorrow at the mine with painted nails?"
I look amazed at him. I think he is on the good track now. So, I take one of my nail polishes and start applying some color. How about a very light pink? A mixture of pink and white, in fact. I slowly apply this paint, then we wait it to dry, as we smoke one more cigarette.
One hard day has passed and everything went just as I planned.
Happiness is a two blade sword
The Wiseman
Just as I planned, everyone calmed down in a week. Seeing a man dressed as a woman, was like a boom to these mountains. But, any explosion has not the power to last long. People get used to this, but they will keep talking. Alia - Atan went back to the mine, dressed like a man, but this time with painted nails. People again commented a lot, but they got used to it. They all think I am a witch and I am responsible for the whole transformation. They think that, like a parasite, I keep sucking his blood and I will kill him slowly. Well, can they ever understand that this is not the truth? No. Just let them think what they want.
At the mine, he is Atan, the Geological expert, but back home, he becomes Alia, the woman (or at least half woman). But, after four days at the mine, he gets a free day home. Not the same is for me. I have to serve the railway station 24/7. Or, if I go somewhere else, I need to put someone else there. I usually call my sisters.
It is winter now. Today it is a bit warmer and snow starts to melt. Alia - Atan is home. We decide to cut some wood trunks for fire, then to smash large chunks of coal. Then, we do some cleanup in the house. All looks good. After we finish all this, we get back inside the house, to my laptop. This is the only connection to the outer world that we have.
I am dressed in a green sweater that he both me, with a knee-long brown skirt. I have brown pantyhose and black leggings. He is wearing a red woman blouse, with a knee-long skirt like me and with black opaque tights. This is how we were outside. I know some people walked by and seen this and this is just what I wanted. The fact that some people seen him like this, will keep everyone thinking that he is caught in my witchcraft. Finally, after months, they will get used to it. And by that time, it will come the time when he can walk through the village dressed like this.
The internet is the only connection to the world that we have and the only source of information. Alia - Atan is using now my laptop to read a message from his parents. It works like the old letters. He sends one, then they read and send another one back the next day. We light a cigarette.
"If they know that right now I am dressed like a woman and smoking" he says, "they will probably have a heart attack!"
I laugh. "Relax, there is no way they can find out".
"Hey, the Christmas is coming", he says. "Look, they want me to take a few free days and come to them".
"Well, that is the worst part of the year", I say, after I inhale some smoke.
"I don't get it. Why?"
"You will see", I answer. "At least for the railway. Drunk miners, drunk train engineers, drunk station operators... Also, drunk people in the villages. You will see. Drunk men starting to beat their wives and children, drunk women, incest and adultery... You will think this rotten world is going to end".
"Is this all they do for Christmas?" he asks amazed. "We decorate a tree, we bring presents to each other and mostly to children, we visit our relatives and friends". He takes a drag from his cigarette and says: "Then, let's go to visit my parents. The road would take two days and two days back... So, if we go on December 22th, we could be there and return here... around December 28th".
I look a bit surprised. Well, I've done many things in my life, but I never visited the world Beyond The Sea. Ana, this might be your chance!
"Christmas before the new year?" I say surprised. "Then, you must be a Catholic. Orthodox Christmas is after the new year", I say.
"No. I am an Orthodox, but where I come, it is celebrated before new year".
"Here, it is after the new year", I answer. "It would be better to be the same date. Less days to watch for drunk people!"
"I see you hate drunk people", he adds.
"It is true. Show me a single family destroyed by smoking and I will show you a million families destroyed by alcohol".
"But I always wanted to ask you", he adds. "Where does your extreme addiction to smoking come from?"
"It added over time, Alia", I say, while taking another dose of smoke. "I started smoking even before I was born, as my parents both smoked at that time. Then, when I was young, before school, I found cigarettes and started to smoke on my own. Nobody learned me how. It was just myself. I liked it. I was 6 when my parents found out. They tried to stop me in any possible way. But, each time, I was sitting on the floor and crying until they gave me a cigarette".
"I guess you were the youngest smoker on this planet!"
"Not quite... but I was young", I continue, while looking at my cigarette which is almost entirely consumed. "Then I went to school. My parents told me not to smoke there. But I was too addicted. I used to hide in the bushes beyond school fences, but one day they caught me. Immediately, my parents were called at school. The teachers convinced them to stop smoking after this incident. But I didn't. So, after a week, I was caught again. Then again and again and again".
"What age did you have?"
"I guess 10, don't remember exactly. Well, at some point, my dad went to the school director and said to him: 'There is no way to make her stop smoking. We tried everything possible. Even I stopped, my wife stopped, but she will not. If she has nothing to smoke, she will cry for hours. There is nothing we could do'. The director realized that was a big problem and asked my dad: 'What do you propose?' And he said: 'As long as she is in the schoolyard, she is protected, outside she is not. So, let her smoke somewhere in a corner, where you can have an eye on her. Better this way, then to have her hidden in the bushes and attacked by who knows what'. And the director accepted. The next day, he came to me and took me out in a brake, to the schoolyard. Close to the door of his office, there was a concrete slab. He told me, in front of other teachers: 'At the break between classes, you can come here and smoke. Nobody will do anything to you. I will watch you. Only on the concrete slab! You are not allowed to smoke anywhere else, not even on the road. On the concrete slab, you can smoke as much as you want'. He also told me that he now expects the best school results from me".
"Wow!" he says. "And you were smoking there?"
"Yes. In every break. The problem is that also other children wanted to... and I learned them. On the other hands, my parents and all teachers understood me, but were watching powerless as more and more children were getting addicted because of me. The only thing they could do is to force me learn better and be polite to everyone. This is how I become the cute and polite girl I was at school".
"I see..." he says, looking at my feet.
"Well, I remember a school inspector that once came. He seen me at class and was impressed, but then, he seen me smoking from the director's office. I remember what he said: 'Oh, that girl. Smart and good learning, second in her class. She is very cute and polite, even shy. But she smokes. How is that possible? Why don't you do something?' and the director said: 'I tried everything and couldn't do anything, not even her parents'. Then, I don't know what teacher called me 'Princess Nicotine' and all teachers started to call me that. Then, when I was 12 I think, the Biology teacher called me 'Nicotiana' and this remained my name. At high school I recommended myself as Nicotiana and at the University also as Nicotiana, that later became Ana".
"Now I understand where your strong addiction comes from", he says. "I imagine how everyone was looking at you, like at a big surprise".
"Well, it didn't take that much for everyone to get used to it", I add. "It was like a blast for the whole school, but it didn't last more then a week. Then, as I told you, as I moved to high school and the University, my parents could no longer support me. So, I survived by making and selling handmade cigarettes. Then, I entered business with that guy, Stromboli, a cigarette counterfeiter. It all worked well, until he tried to have a relationship with me. You know what happened. Well, he got his hands off me, but even today he comes and buys cigarettes from my parents and me, to smuggle them in the civilized world".
He answers nothing. He knows how I attacked Stromboli at that time. Too bad I didn't kill him, but still good he is alive, since he buys my staff. I know what people say in the civilized world, that smoking kills. Well, it gave me an identity, a name and the money to survive.
"I am amazed how, from that cute and polite girl, you evolved into what you are today", he says.
"It was not my wish to be like this", I add. "Don't you think I did not want a peaceful family life? To live a normal life in the village, get married and have children? With all that anger I had against all men. Against every man on the face of the Earth. Man, not sissy", I say, as I pinch his pantyhose.
"I am sorry for all your life", he says.
"I had one chance: to go to the University, if I didn't want to get into relationships with guys. But without money, I had to fight to survive".
As we talk, we see a new message from his parents:
Darling, if you cannot come for Christmas, we will come to you. Just tell us how to get to where you are.
"I don't want to see them here", he says. "They will destroy the new me, as you created it".
"Then we will go to them", I add fast.
"My parents are not like yours", he says. "They have a strong authority and they never allowed me do anything then learning, during school. And suddenly, after school, they forced me twice to get married".
"This is why you don't oppose me each time I decide something", I say. "You don't fight back. You are dominated by them, even by their shadow. You have to break the chains that they have put on you".
"They are my parents", he insists.
"I almost blew these mountains, over 50 people said 'I will kill you' and they still don't interfere with my life", I say. "Your parents have put a dog leash around your neck and you need someone to pull the leash, to follow. But you do have a personality, even a strong one. Only that it is encased. You have to break out!"
"I know".
"This will take time to happen. Maybe an year".
"I know... Well, should we tell my parents that we are going to them? I mean, they don't even know about you".
"Yes, we should", I answer. "Do you want to tell them about your new life?"
"I think not. Somehow, they are part of a life that no longer is mine. The former me died when I became the double-soul Atan - Alia".
"That's good", I say. The former me also died a long time ago, when that teacher told me that I am a sfenist".
"Do you keep in tough with her?" he asks.
"Yes, I do. And I think she would be happy to see you. Many answers await you there".
Then, I open Google Maps and look.
"Well", he says, "the most easy way to get to my parents should be to go to the Land Of Dictators, cross it and reach the Land Of Sea. From there, we can take an airplane".
"The Land Of Dictators is a Neo - Communist state. We can cross that easy, a little bribery should do the trick. But at the Land Of The Sea, people don't like us. We will could be arrested without any reason. I don't want that route".
"What if we go..." he continues. "Go to the Land Of Sand? I don't think so".
"The Land Of Sand is rich in oil deposits and people will not harm us. But to go there, we have to cross Land Of Fire, which is a revolting dump. Extremists and terrorists are at every corner. I don't think it is a good idea. I will be sold to a harem and you, as a Christian, will be crucified".
"Then, we have only one way to reach an airport", he finishes. "Through the Land Of Nomads, then the Land Of Ice".
"There I was at the University, in the Land Of Ice. I know the way. With some bribery, we will get there. Stromboli will help, if he wants more tobacco from me. Should be the best way! We just need to go to Jupiter for some paperwork before all this".
He tells his parents the following message:
Don't worry, we will get to you for Christmas. Wait us home!
He said 'we', when his parents have no idea who 'we' are. I smell a bit trouble. But, this must be done. We talk further details about this. The money for such a trip is beyond my possibilities, but not for him. We discuss the arrangements needed.
It takes a few days for us to get the paperwork. I talk with Abida and Cemis about the details, so they will work at the station for me. He goes to the mine and discuss about it. Since he is from far away, everyone accepts that a few free days will be a good thing for him. His parents answer in two days, saying: We? Who are you coming with? and he answers: You will see. Well, time to see a new world that I've never seen before! In my mind, I try to make a plan, but without enough details and many unknown factors, there is much I cannot fit.
I contact Stromboli on the internet for help and he shows us the best way to move around, all the way to the destination and back. He also gives us a job, to carry a fake transport of cigarettes for the customs to pick-up, so they will be busy looking in the wrong direction as he will smuggle two wagons full with cigarettes through the border. In exchange, he pays our transport.
We have a maximum window of 5 days, so everything must be planned carefully.
What we see is like the shadows on the wall. To know the reality, you must see the real objects that draw the shadows.
Legend of the shadow
I want to go with Alia - Atan to have Christmas with is parents. But in order to do this, we must do something much harder. We must help a leader from the cigarette contraband mafia to succeed with a transport. In response, he will pay for our ticket towards the civilized world and back here. I have the exact details about the mission, but it is going to be hard. However, I have an ace in my sleeve. Atan is a man, but his feminine side, Alia, can pass as a woman. We can do some confusion. Will this succeed? It is a huge gamble. In old days, I used to do such things, to survive at the University. But I long stopped doing this kind of job. Well, I hope this is for the last time ever.
The reason I do this is for Alia - Atan. By helping him win the fight with his parents, he will be freed from their influence. I must help him become the man he needs to be.
The plan is complicated. We will go from here, with the evening train that comes from the mine and go directly to the Land Of Dictators. But in order to do so, he must become a woman. He knows how to drive a car, I don't. But he is not from here and could be found easy as a stranger. It is a good thing that he is about the same size with my sister Abida. He will use her documents.
This is a men job. So, why does Stromboli want me to do it? Because I am a woman and nobody would expect a woman to get involved into this. Well, I am more a man then a woman, but with the body of a woman.
All is done. The evening train, with miners, will come soon. I am in the train station with Cemis, who will work here until we return. Alia - Atan should come by train. I have everything prepared, but using him for this job is very risky. Will all this work? I must confess that I am nervous. Damn it, Atan! How many things do I have to do for you? Have you ever had a feeling that something terrible is going to happen? That you might succeed this time, but using the whole luck in your life, so that next time you will probably die? I promise to myself that this will be the last time in my life ever, that I risk my or his life. Really. No more. I just want a normal life, up here, in the mountains. In fact, this is why I came here, to have a quiet life where nobody will bother me.
The train comes and stops at the station. I get in, with a big luggage. The miners are no longer starring at me like before. I take a sit close to Atan and we both light a cigarette. I can see on his face that he is under huge stress. I can feel the tension inside him.
I look at his trousers, knowing that beneath them, there are pantyhose. I know their color: brown. I've seen them in the morning. Nobody knows this but me. And I look at my feet, beneath the green knee-long dress. I have black leggings and grown pantyhose beneath them, the same color he has. I wanted to have something in common with him, for this dangerous mission. He doesn't say anything.
"I want this one to be the last time I do this", I say.
"Me too", he says. "I want to be out of this, back in our home".
The train struggles to pass over the river. The bridge has collapsed a few years ago. As a desperate solution, the miners laid two wide tree trunks and placed the rail slippers and the rails above them. This is by far not something safe, but for a while, trains can pass. And then, the valley narrows a bit.
Here comes Almathea station, a small, red building. And in the station, I see Nadia, a woman that does exactly what I do: control train movement. We say hello to each other.
Then, the train continues its route. From here, the valley is larger, not so squeezed by surrounding mountains. Villages are on both sides of the rivers and stations are one after the other: Telesto, Himalia and others. Finally, where the mountains end and the valley is large enough, comes Jupiter, capital of the Land Of Mountains. Here ends our coal railway and other lines join. Most of them are also old and unrepaired.
We jump out of the train, taking our luggage with us, walking through the orange hall of this station. It is large, but with many cracks in the walls. "No time for this, Ana! You need to hurry, you know there is not much time!" says my shadow.
Fine, then! We go and pick two tickets for Neptune, capital of the Land Of Dictators. Then, we step right in the train. I force Alia - Atan into the toilette, to change. Oh, the pain I see on his face. Again, I promise myself that this will never happen.
He steps out as a woman. He has now a pink jacket, a red sweater, a black dress and the brown pantyhose, covered with black knee-high boots. I see his face. Almost exploding.
"Remember, you are Abida", I say.
He doesn't answer. We move to an empty bench in this train, where we put our luggage. We ask a young couple to watch our staff, while we go outside and smoke.
"Come on, you will draw attention!" I say.
"It is the first time I am dressed like a woman on the street", he says.
"It looks like you are the man and I am the woman! Stop crying!"
"Nicotiana, you really are a man!" he says.
I take a big drag from my cigarette and blow the smoke in his face. Oh mine! I almost made him fall on the back!
"On the other hand, it is incredible! Alia is walking free!" he says.
Yes, it is the first time he is walking like this, in a train station, surrounded by many people. But no time for that. A man comes with four large suitcases and says:
"Nicotiana?"
"Reporting", I say.
He gives us the suitcases and an envelope with money, saying one thing:
"Stromboli".
He vanishes and we return in the train.
This is a completely different train, with chairs for passengers and with the walls painted. It clearly is old, about the same age as trains that go to the mine, but repaired. Such a difference in comfort! Almost immediately, the train starts moving.
Outside, all you can see are a few lights in the darkness of the night. The train moves pretty fast, about 50 km/h. Alia is looking at the window, scared. What should I do? I think a second... her hair is not as it should be. Men don't look at details. The first thing a woman does when she wakes up (after lighting her cigarette, as I do) is to brush her hair. And also, his make-up is not as it should be. So, I take my hair brush and start to arrange his hair. Also, I start to adjust his make-up. He doesn't know how to match colors. Too much lipstick!
"Look at yourself!" I say, trying to repair her make-up.
"I know! Sorry!"
When I hear his voice, the voice of a man, I realize this is what will betray him. I thought about all aspects. I epilated his feet, his back, his belly. Then, I've seen his arms with all that male hair... and I tortured him again. I thought that his beard and mustache will grow and I took what is needed for shaving. The hair looks feminine, even if short. The clothes fit him perfectly. I even managed to make false tits. I sewed some cotton and other materials inside two socks and sewed them inside the cups of a bra. With this, he really looks like a woman. Not to mention the huge effort that was for me to find boots. Men feet are larger then women!
What should I do to his voice? If someone asks him something, that voice will betray him. As I finish arranging his make-up, I add a few perfume.
"Here you are, Alia!" I say. "Aren't you gorgeous?"
"I hope so", he answers.
"We smoke too much and that's why our voices are like that", I add. "But you, my sister, have smoked far more then I did my entire life. Let's get on the corridor for another cigarette!"
We move out. It is like two women are having a smoke. Well, we both are between 20 and 25, so I guess we look cute. As the train hurtles through the night, we see the lights of a distant village. Other people come to the corridor to have a smoke. But what I like the most, is that Alia - Atan is no longer so embarrassed.
Just as we move in, the train controller comes and asks everyone about tickets. Don't I know how things work here? So much contraband is transported on these trains. And everyone knows. So, when he comes, I show him our tickets, my regional passport and Abida's, then give him a bag with 10 packs of cigarettes.
"Have a good journey, ladys", he says and goes to other passengers.
"Everyone gives him something", whispers Alia - Atan to my ear.
"Because everyone is carrying something", I add.
I fall asleep with my head on his shoulder. My hands are partially resting on his body. I know this railway so well. There are a few stations. Then, the train starts climbing in the mountains. And then, comes the great tunnel, that also crosses the border. At the last village, the train will stop for 20 minutes and detach all wagons but ours. Then, for a few hours there will be nothing to see outside, but the dark night. I know well, how the train changes speed to 15 km/h while climbing to the pass and that inside the tunnel it makes a completely different sound. Then I know that the train will move along the steep grade towards Neptune, the capital city of the Land O Dictators.
I wake-up in the tunnel. Alia - Atan is not sleeping. his eyes are looking at the window.
"The tunnel!" I wisper. "We are crossing the border right now!"
"Like this, without a custom house?" he asks.
"I need a cigarette!" I say, taking him to the corridor.
There is nobody here, now, but a multitude of suitcases, filled with who-knows-what. As we sit, I see how he starts to become a copy of myself. He stays just like me. He is copying my movements. Even the way he smokes is similar.
"Nice boots you have", I say as I light my cigarette.
"You should try some higher boots instead of booties", he says, looking at my feet.
"And you should try to wear two layers of tights or pantyhose with leggings", I add.
"I will try", he says.
The tunnel ends. I know the place. Now, we will see the Land Of Dictators from above. The train will slowly descend towards their capital. He looks almost stunned at the landscape. A lot of lights can be seen far away, in the plain. There are almost no villages in the mountains here. Only a dim light from the moon illuminates them.
"So beautiful! The other side of the mountains!" he says.
"And you didn't want to come! Shame on you, Alia", I say, to boost his courage. "We will be there by 3 AM".
"I hope Cemis wakes up for the 3 AM train", he says.
"She will sleep in our house for the night", I answer.
After we finish our cigarettes, we return to our seats. The train continues to descent until he finally reaches the capital, Neptune.
We take our luggage down. How many suitcases! But not only us. Many people do the same. The platform is filled with luggage.
"Wow!" whispers Alia - Atan. "What on Earth are they carrying?"
"Many are peasants, transporting food to the city. Others are bringing alcohol. And some of them, are carrying cigarettes", I whisper him back. "Everybody struggles to survive here. Then, they bring back clothes and electronics".
We start carrying all our luggage. We go to the exit of this large, sparkling white station. The walls are decorated with ancient Communist paintings.
"The city is nice and interesting, but we don't have that time", I say. "Come to register and grab a car!"
We struggle with all our luggage. I stop at a police officer and show him our regional passports.
"We will be back in 10 hours", I say. "We go to Oberon, to our aunt".
I also give him 10 packs of cigarettes. He immediately takes them and signs without any question. We move on, to a place outside the station. There, we see a few taxis and what I wanted: a rent-a-car. A fat woman is sitting there, smoking a cigarette.
"We want to rent a car, to take this staff to Oberon", I say. "We will return in 6 hours".
"Where are you from?" she asks.
"Callisto, Land Of Mountains".
"And she is..."
"My sister, Abida", I say short.
"Ok. Leave here one passport. To rent for a day, it's 20 $, but you need to leave 500 $ as insurance. You will get the money when you will return".
Stromboli gave us enough money for this job. I pay her and we upload all this staff inside a white car.
"Abida, you drive", I say. "It is now all up to you, girl".
He takes the wheel and starts to drive. Easy, there is ice on the road. But the roads are clear. Even at noon, there are not many cars in this city. I guide him:
"At the next, turn left. Then, go right, to the boulevard".
Unlike Jupiter, which is a mountain town, Neptune is in the plains. The town is flat, with parallel streets and with many concrete blocks. Streets are illuminated, but there is almost no light in the rooms. People are still sleeping. Nobody is expecting us here. I know well that after 3.30 AM, even police is sleeping. That is the best time to strike. We see one car. It comes from behind and goes forward, vanishing somewhere ahead.
We slowly pass out of the city. The road becomes narrow and unrepaired. I know well the poverty of rural areas in here. Famines are common. With many holes in the road, it becomes difficult to drive. But not for him. Then, I advice him to turn left, on a country road. Here, the ice covers the road, but we still can go.
Now this is the plan Stromboli gave us: In this station, there will be a cargo train stationed. It is full with coal. Our job is to take cigarettes from all the four suitcases he gave us, to put all the packs up on the coal, but partially buried. This train will go to Land Of Sea and from there it will go towards the civilized world. When it will cross the border to the civilized world, customs will see the packs and will stop the train for an inspection. They will think that they hit a jackpot, when in fact a second train will pass, full with contraband cigarettes.
So, in the silence of the night, I change clothes, taking some dirty ones. I start the work. But, surprise! The cigarettes are of a brand I never carried and I never knew Stromboli makes. Well, no time to lose. At this hour, personnel at the station is for sure sleeping. I climb on the wagons and Alia - Atan throws me the first cardboard box. I do my job well. Then, he gives me the second one and the third one. We keep on doing this for about half an hour. All looks clear! I finish placing the last pack and get back to the car.
Now, time to wash my hands and face from coal and to change clothes back. Changing in the freezing winter is by far not pleasant. Then, I hurry inside the car.
"Alia, turn the car heat on", I say as I light a cigarette. "We need to get rid of these clothes. Just turn left and we will cross a bridge".
We do just that. Alia stops on the bridge and I look around. Nobody. take the dirty clothes in the river. Working with coal always makes your clothes dirty. I even wash again my face and my hands in the snow. Then, I take off my booties and throw them too. Immediately I jump in the car, with the cigarette in my mouth.
"Turn around back to the city!"
As I give the order, I look through the luggage of other clothes. I know I have other booties around... and here they are. I put them on. No sign of coal on me! All looks good! Now, let's return to the station. We enter the city, which now is a bit busy, but not too much. Good time to travel! Between 5 and 8.30 AM, nobody will stop you. Everyone is in a hurry to work. I guide Alia - Atan back to the railway station, to the rent-a-car point. We deploy the car and I take back the 500 $ insurance. How much money! Five times my salary!
We enter the station fast, to take tickets for our next destination. We will be heading to Land Of Ice, but in order to do that, we need to go back to Land Of Mountains, to Jupiter station. The train will depart in two hours. Until then, we go to a small secluded park behind the railway station. Nobody will check us here. I know the place very well. It is a park between blocks, with a playground for children. Nobody is here at this hour. From time to time, one person goes out or in from the blocks. I go out and pick something to eat from a small shop.
We eat and then light a cigarette. Alia is dangling her boots on the snow. He is feeling the cold. Good that he was not the one to change clothes in the cold.
"I don't like the way this is going", I whisper.
"What?" he whispers to me.
"I don't remember Stromboli to ship cigarettes from here. Maybe he now works with a completely different strategy".
"Just hope we get out of this", he says.
"Also, he gave us too much money for such a simple task", I whisper. "There must be something behind. He gave us 6000 $".
"How much does he usually pay?" he whispers.
"Never more then 1000".
"What do we do now?"
"We get in nearly when the train will depart", I say. "We enter the station on main door, walk like everyone and get in. Don't look in any direction, just move forward".
"I am scared".
"I am scared too", I say. "We get directly to Jupiter and then we pick a ticket to Saturn. We have a link in 10 minutes to the Land Of Nomads".
"And then what?"
"We go to Uranus, capital of the Land Of Ice, as fast as possible. There, we take the airplane to your parents".
"I hope you're right".
"By the time we reach Uranus, we will know what happened. I have good friends there".
We stay in the park, in the cold. The wind starts. Morning is the coldest time of day. And just 12 minutes before the train starts, we go to the station. We walk forward, directly to where the train will be. I check if this is the train and we get in, with the little luggage we had. Time goes slowly. The train is late a few minutes. I hear something on the platform:
"Hold it! Stop right there!"
Oh no! What to do now? Is it for us? Then, I hear:
"You grab my money! I'll kill you!"
Then, I hear some pistol fire and someone screaming. No, more people screaming. And the train starts going. Ah, what a change! We're safe! Some people speak near us, on the corridor:
"He shot him! You seen it?"
"That thief shot the man!"
"Man! This country is rotten-up and turned upside down!"
The train is catching speed. We exit the city fast and start climbing the snow-covered mountains.
"Thanks God we're safe", whispers Alia - Atan.
The train climbs up. Then, the controller comes and asks for our tickets. I know well how things work: I show him the tickets and offer him the equivalent of 5$ in currency used in the Land Of Dictators. He again takes it without any word. We're safe! But I really feel safe only when we enter the tunnel. That is the border. Now, nobody can reach us.
The train continues its route down towards our capital, Jupiter. There, I know well how things go. We jump down from the train and go to take tickets. We jump onboard the train that will take us to Saturn. No time for anything, we only have a 7 minutes window to change trains.
Jupiter and Saturn are very close. They are separated by a large river. So, the train does not take much to cross border. A controller checks our tickets and papers and says:
"Girls, why didn't you check your passports when you left Land Of Dictators? You might get me into trouble".
"We almost lost the train", I answer, giving him about 10 $.
"When you reach Saturn, go immediately and check your regional passport, or you will be in trouble".
We cross the river and stop at Chiron. Here lies the thermal plant, where all coal from our mines is burned. We sell the nomads coal and they sell us electricity. Then, we reach Saturn.
We step down from the train, carrying our luggage. Not much, since most of it was made of cigarettes that we left in that train. We go to check our passports and then I look at the train schedule. We have some little time, enough to change. So, I decide and we take a taxi directly to the largest shop in this city. No time to look at anything. But even so, Alia - Atan looks at some items that I like. Green staff. And even the thing I was looking for by so long time: green hair paint. Well, not much time to check on items. We see if the items suit us well and we return to the station, check our passports and get in the train. This is an expensive train, but the fastest way to reach Uranus, the capital of Land Of Ice. The cruise takes 3 hours and has no stop. I immediately go to sleep.
I open my eyes at some point and see Alia - Atan sleeping. Looking at the window, I see the landscape I know so well: and endless plain. Villages are seen from place to place.
Well, we finally reach Uranus, capital of Land Of Ice, around 4 PM. All is working fine. We step out of the train and check our passports and immediately go to a cheap motel that I know well. The purpose is not to sleep there (even if a sleep should be good), but to take a shower, change clothes and paint our hair. We will stay the whole evening in here. The airplane departs a bit over midnight.
I start making my hair, then his hair. We will be women for the evening, but then he needs to change back as a man. We are sorting our clothes and trying to get dressed in this motel room. I turn the TV on, to see what is going on. Then, after a few minutes, I take care of my make-up and his. It is now time to go to city and have some fun!
The worst thing we humans do is that we judge other people. We want to transform them into what we are. But we don't understand that this is the greatest treasure of the Universe: diversity.
Legend Of The Swan
The run is over. We are in Uranus, capital of Land Of Ice, in a cheap motel room, with new outfits. In this city, we can pass as completely unknown. Nobody will notice us, unless I want to. Alia - Atan made me some unexpected surprises. He purchased almost only green clothes, knowing this is my favorite color. So, now I have a green winter coat, green gloves, a green sweater and a green knee-long skirt. He even found some green shoes for me. I love them, even if it is a bit too cold for that. I put on black tights and layer on them green pantyhose, to keep my feet warm. And the greatest surprise of all, now I have green hair! I just love to look in the mirror and see this! My hair is not long and not short. It barely reaches my shoulders. I never tie it into a tail.
He also is a woman for this evening, with a green winter coat that could suit well also for a man. He also has a green sweater and a green skirt, a bit longer then mine, with green pantyhose. The only difference is that he wears boots, which are black and don't allow exposed feet to be seen unless he sits down.
Again, some work I need to do with his make-up. Men are not careful at details. He tends to use too much color, when in fact, being a woman means to be more soft. I apply him a faint lipstick and only a bit of make-up. Better now.
As we are done and prepare to go out, we hear the news:
Ladies and gentlemen, we have breaking news! A huge transport of contraband cigarettes has just been discovered inside a train passing from Land Of The Sea into Civilized World. Custom guard found a few cardboards full with cigarettes on top of a few wagons filled with coal. After a close examination, they discovered that beneath the coal there was much more, hidden in large metal boxes. Stay tuned for updates!
Well, these are foreign news, so they will be again in a few hours. We close the TV and get on the street.
People in the Land Of Ice are Christian and speak a language that is a bit related to the language Alia - Atan learned from his father. So, he can find his way around. But, to avoid problems, we speak my native language. I know this place and know nobody will answer.
"What do you think, Nicotiana?" he asks. "did we do what we were supposed to do?"
"Stromboli told us to put the packs there, so we did our mission", I say. "But the custom guards should have detected only what we put there. What are all those cigarettes doing, I don't know".
"Tons of cigarettes?"
"Well, this is how contraband goes", I say. People expect small cars with cigarettes or smugglers passing through border fences, but it never works like that. Small amounts of cargo are deliberately placed where guards will find them. The large chunk of staff is smuggled in inside trains, trunks or boats, with coal, grabble, cereals or inside concrete cubes. At least this is how drugs pass through, inside concrete bricks".
"I mean, that much?"
"Yes, what do you expect?" I answer laughing.
"I never imagined that much".
"Something else bothers me", I say, lighting a cigarette. "It was supposed there are no cigarettes inside that train. Did we put them on the wrong train?"
"If that is, we compromised everything".
I take another drag of smoke, as we move through the snow.
"If that is the case, Stromboli has the power to destroy our village. He will kill us", I say while blowing the smoke out.
"That is the worse possible", he whispers, while lighting a cigarette.
"But I think about something else", I say as I take some more smoke. "I never carried that brand of cigarettes. So, maybe there is something else".
"Are there other contrabandists like Stromboli?" he asks.
"Yes. Monte Carlo, San Marino, Torino, many of them", I answer. "Maybe they placed the cigarettes in that train, without knowing what Stromboli planned. But usually this never happens, everyone operates in a different land".
"But what if Stromboli wants to take someone out?" he says, taking another smoke from his cigarette.
I stop and look on the snowy road. Not many people around. A few cars go by. In the cold evening, someone screams in the distance. I notice a few shops and some blocks. A bus is stopped nearby. My blood freezes at his words. "You know what this is, Alia? It is war. If anyone finds out that Stromboli did it, they will be at war".
I inhale again the smoke, keep it in for a while and blow it down. I look at my shoes and his boots. What is going on?
"I think Stromboli wants to take out someone", says Alia, playing with one boot in the snow.
"Land Of Dictators. San Marino operates there, with the Communists. As I said, Stromboli works within the Nomads. You realize, Alia, that San Marino will get bankrupt if all those cigarettes were his. He can recover, no doubt, but the others will turn against anyone they suspect did the attack", I say as I throw the filter down and I step with my shoe on it.
"I never imagined to see the mafia with my own eyes. Nicotiana, I really am amazed how you survived here for this long".
"I hope Stromboli or San Marino will survive as long as I did", I answer, laughing.
We keep on walking, until we reach a park. There are a few benches around. In the center, there is a lake. But since now it is frozen, it is used by children as a rink. We take a sit and stay with a foot over the other. Now, since his skirt is lifted a bit, I can see his green pantyhose above his boots. I take my hand and gently touch that point.
"Alia is out in the town", I whisper.
He says nothing. Then, he takes his hand and touches my knee, feeling the fine texture.
"I wear two layers, you just one", I say, smiling.
"I think no transgender ever managed to go that far", he says. "We crossed so many borders and nobody knew. Everyone thought I am Abida".
"I didn't plan to go like that, but we had no other way", I say.
"This, I never ever expected to happen. To be a woman. And everyone in this city think I am a woman. Nobody has the barest notion of what is going on".
"Well, except for your voice. This is the only thing I don't know how to solve".
"And now, people think we are just two women sitting on a bench and relaxing".
"There is something else", I say.
"What, Nicotiana?"
"Well, most guys make me angry. I am not a lesbian. But, I got that hate for all men with too much testosterone. Not for you. I mean, you are half man, half woman. I never were into women and not much into men. Well, you know I am a sfenist. But you, you are the first male creature that doesn't make me want to kill".
We stand and continue our trip through the city. I show him the University, where I spent some years of my life. And about 300 m away, there is that church still standing.
"You see that church?" I ask him.
"Yes, Nicotiana. That Orthodox cathedral?"
"Exactly. Soon after I got here, I seen it and enter. Inside, on the left side, there is a big icon. I went there, kneeled and start praying. I just felt the need to do that. Well, just at that time, the pope was keeping a speech. He was talking with anger against the heretics nearby. I didn't understand what was that about. At that time, I had no idea what a heretic is, only I knew it is something bad. So, I went out and looked. And you see, not far, there is an Adventist church. I looked at it and realized those must be the heretics. So, I entered, to see what is there".
As talking about this, we move closer to the churches.
"I entered, They had no icons, nothing, but long benches to sit on. I just kneeled somewhere. Well, their pastor was also saying ugly words about the Orthodox pope and his religion. I looked amazed at this. At some point I just couldn't support and went outside".
We move between the churches, while I step on the snow, exactly in the same spot I was a long time ago.
"There I were. Some people from the Orthodox cathedral noticed me and went after me, asking me why did I go to Satan's church. And immediately, some Adventists went out and started to argue with them. Oh mine, I just couldn't understand what is going on! Are they insane? So, I lighted a cigarette. Well, that was like a disaster. They started to prove me that tobacco is devil's grass. They just turned against me!"
"You were a lost sheep between two wolves!"
"I guess so. Well, I shouted to them: 'Leave me away! I am a Muslim!' and walked away. I didn't lie,as you know. But, they remained without words, as I moved away. I guess I will never understand how is possible for people of different religions to fight. And even more, people with the same religion. You can try to explain me as long as you wish, I will never understand how it is possible what I just encountered here. I mean, if gods are not fighting each other, why should we? And how people, serving the same god, be fighting one each other?"
We continue our way through the city. There are many areas I used to stay.
"You were not much into clubs and pubs at the university, were you?" he asks me.
"No, Alia. Usually, I tried to avoid them. I was more interested in learning, when I was not forced into contraband. Honestly, I never entered many of these clubs. You?"
"No. I was focused on learning. And because there was too much noise where we slept, I was always trying to go into parks to read and learn. When it was cold, I used to go to the subway and travel on all lines. I told you I were a book grinder".
"Had you many friends?"
"Nicotiana, to be honest, only a few, rare. I was in good ties with all fellows and all roomies, but only that. I've never been to parties or to hangout. All I knew was school, learning and in weekends back home".
"A real sfenist!" I say.
"Well, now I realize this. But at that time, I just asked no questions".
"I only stopped at two places, to eat. This is because they have good food, with much cheese and no meat in it. Well, I didn't want to enter, but I really want some heat. It is a cold night".
We enter. Well, many things have changed here. This place had glass tables before, but now it is more decorated. The products are exposed for sale. We take them. Some sort of cookies, with cheese and with chocolate. A good fast snack. We go to the table and eat, then light a cigarette.
"I remember that once I was reading my school notes, with my feet on the table. And also smoking. Well, something like this!"
And I put my feet on the table, like in the old times. All I need is a good book.
"Put your feet up, too!" I invite him.
And he puts his boots up. He starts playing with the zipper, partially opening one boot and exposing the pantyhose, while with the other hand is holding the cigarette. I know the employees will not say anything. After all, I've done it over and over.
"Feel much better then in school library", I say, laughing. "At least here you can smoke. There, you have to go out".
"I used to avoid the library because it was too quiet and many times I fallen asleep. And it was not opened long enough", he says. "But you are right, a good book should fit well here".
I take another inhale and slowly let the smoke out from my mouth. Just like in those YouTube smoking fetish scenes. Then, I take two drags at one and let some smoke out through my nose and then through the mouth, remembering the old days. Many times, these cookies were all my food, but smokes were more important.
Suddenly, two guys appear and go to our table. I instantly take my feet down. Alia does not move yet. I realize what will happen.
"Hi, girls!" says one of them. I am Vladimir and he is Alexei", he says.
"We have some money and wonder if we could spend it here. I see you are the hottest ladies in the city!"
"How about a couple of drinks? What shall it be? Red wine or vodka?"
Alexei puts a hand on Alia's boots and start massage his foot. He is trying to pull the boot off. I see the disgrace in his eyes. In the same time, Vladimir comes closer to me and looks into my eyes:
"What are you doing this evening, princess?"
"Leave us alone, infidels!" I say short.
"Woo!" says Vladimir, getting closer to me and starting to touch my feet below the table. "What's your name, babe?"
"Nicotiana", I say.
"Princess Nicotiana, then", he says, taking a pack of cigarette out from his jacket.
"Leave us alone", says Alia.
"What happened to your voice?" says Alexei, continuing to get closer to Alia.
"Underage smoking", I say for him.
"Just keep distance, guys", says Alia. "We don't want any trouble".
"Neither do us".
Vladimir gets closer to me. One hand is working with my thighs, the other one is trying to make its way to my shoulder.
"Stop it right now!" I say.
"Are you afraid, princess Nicotiana? Are you going to throw smoke and fire over me?" he says.
"Just leave us alone", tries Alia to stop them.
Oh no! I feel just like slimy worms are getting out of his hands. Just like he is made of rotten, infected flesh. I know how this will end. And I look at Alia how he is starting to hyperventilate. He looks like going to throw-up. Desperate and hopeless. Then, Vladimir moves his hand from my shoulders to above my breasts. I feel his breath, a smell of alcohol and food.
The next second, I start beating him with my purse.
"Keep your hands off me, infidel!" I scream so loud that I think people could hear even from outside.
Then, the next second, I grab a metal plate from another table and smash it in Vladimir's head. There was a cup of coffee with a few other staff on the plate, that now are spread on his clothes. He screams, as the coffee was hot. I hit Alexei too. Immediately, I jump and start beating both with the plate and with my feet. I hit Vladimir hard in his genitals, so he falls down and screams of pain.
"Die, infidel! Just die!" I scream to him, while people from the room start to come around us.
Alexei starts to pull his friend away from my attacks, when I hit him again. I grab his hair and pull so hard that when my hands are away from his head, there is hair between my fingers.
"Leave us alone, you crazy bitch!" cries one of them.
They try to stand and move out, but I manage to hit one of them again with the plate. This time, with all my force. A powerful metal sound. Then, I take the glass plate we were eating on and smash into the other's head. It breaks apart, while both of them go out.
"Don't you ever dare to touch us again!" I scream.
"I'll kill you, bitch!" shouts one of them.
"You should be castrated!" are my last words.
Again! Like always. It all happened so fast, that I didn't even have time to react. It was like my body did all this, not me. I hear my heart pumping blood like crazy, my lungs desperate for air, some sweat on my back and the adrenaline in my head. Then, I see Alia, looking half scared, half amazed.
"Why didn't you help out?"
"I never beat any other human", he says.
The seller comes here. She is for sure a student, with a part-time job. She looks at us:
"Are you ok?"
"Yes, I answer. Too bad that infidel got out alive".
"Well, you've done some damage to my shop. I need to do something with it".
"I will pay for everything", says Alia. "Nicotiana, thank you for saving me out of this".
I laugh. We get out of here.
"It is always like I am the man and you the woman", I say.
"Now I know what happens to guys that mess with you", he answers.
"They get what they deserve", I answer. But next time, it should be time you show some help".
We go back along the street, to another park, where we stop a bit. I light another cigarette.
"Alia, listen", I say. "It might hurt you, but your parents did the worst things to you. The way you act is not good and might get you killed. You tend to do what you are told. You are too dominated. They must have strong personalities and you had no room to grow".
"I am by far not as strong as you are".
"False! I scream loud, that people turn their heads towards us. "See how we crossed all these borders? See that now you are a woman? You have the strength to rebuild your life, but not the will to do it. And all is because you are thinking in the wrong direction. I see you have an ambition. I've seen how hard it was to make you start smoking. But now, it is time to take things into a different way".
"I am a nobody, compared to you".
"Do you think I was better or smarter? But I was alone, here in this city. I had to fight. Well, the solution is never to go forward. In life, you have to turn left and right over and over. Think at how a snake moves. Sort of that. You see two classic solutions: fight or hide, even if I say you prefer to hide. Now, the truth is different. None is the option".
"What is your point?"
"Look at this: You are stocked in a room. On left, there is a door that leads into a hole. At right, there is another door that leads into a deeper hole. What do you do?" I ask him, taking the last amount of nicotine from a cigarette.
"I go to the larger hole", he says.
"And you would expect me to say that is not the solution. But also not the small hole is a solution. The answer is that you must break the walls and find your own way. People think there are two main sexual orientations: classic and gay, heterosexual and homosexual. Well, none fits for us. We are sfenists. We have to break the walls, even if the whole world will think that we are crazy, to find our ways. When you have to chose between two options, the third is the best. But if you play dead and not chose anything, you take the worst possible."
"I will need time to", he says.
"You will not understand these words now, as I didn't at my time. But there will be a time when you will".
We continue our way back to the cheap motel. There, our staff waits us.
Well, we don't have too much time left. We talk with room service that we want them to watch some of our luggage while we will be gone. They put it down inside a closet. I know, some staff cannot be transported into the civilized world. It is now time for Alia to become Atan. But still, he will have something hidden: the green pantyhose.
From this point further, we cannot use regional passports. We need to use international ones. And he no longer can stand as Alia or Atan, just as I cannot be Nicotiana. Not to mention that bribery can no longer help this far. Also, my handmade cigarettes cannot go pass. From this point, we will need to buy them.
It is night, it's dark and cold. We take a taxi directly to the airport. We now only have a small luggage, what you can take in your hands and nothing more.
We buy cigarettes and smoke for the last time before entering the plane. From this point, I enter a world that I have never visited. Beyond that airplane, I have no plan and no idea what will happen, only that we have limited time. Well, Alia - Atan seems more nervous then me.
We will see.
If you ask a bee, it will show you all the flowers and the beauties in the garden. If you ask a fly, it will show you all the garbage and the excrements. A bee cannot see dirtiness, just as a fly cannot see the beauties.
How To Open Your Eyes
For the first time in my life, I arrive in the Civilized World. Well, not quite in the center of it, but in a border province, not too far from the world where I live in. Alia - Atan is now dressed as a male, except for his hidden pantyhose and the fact that he now has green hair. I kept the same green clothes, which are in fact his gift to me. He gives me a fast, crash-course about how to move around:
"In here, you cannot attack anyone. You cannot smoke in public transport and it is not polite to interfere with other people. Watch your purse and your pockets. Thieves are everywhere. Police has a strong authority, don't bother with them. And watch out, there are far more cars".
We get out of the airplane. It is dark outside. I follow him automatically. I really know nothing about this place, other then what is on the map. People speak a language that I cannot understand. But what first shocks me is the way they move. They are like robots. In the first minutes, I get hit by many people. It is hard for me to follow him.
But there is another thing that I notice. I cannot hear my shadow. So strange! My shadow must have remained in the Land Of Ice. I feel quite alone, trying to follow this man in this crowded place.
As we reach outside, I notice a guy tries to fast pick-up what is in my pockets.
We get out of the airplane. A lot of taxis are waiting out. They are different: all are yellow. Also the people is different. Women seem to wear trousers and far less times I see them wearing skirts. And almost all women wear boots. Well, I never found my feet comfortable with that. I always wear shoes. And there is almost no snow.
We get in the street, where I light a cigarette. Oh, this place is overcrowded. The street is so busy! So many cars are moving! It is a boulevard with four sides in each direction, but even if it that large, cars don't have enough room. They are more sitting then moving. And again, there are too many people. I just keep following Alia - Atan, without having any idea where.
We reach a bus station. He goes fast and takes two tickets. When we get in, I notice this bus is better then a luxury train. It is all new, with no graffiti on the walls. But it is full! So crowded! I hardly manage to get inside. And once I am in, I feel like inside a sandwich. People is pushing me from all directions. The car accelerates and turns left-right, breaks and accelerates again. It makes me fall to other people. What a madness!
"Where is all this people heading to?" I ask him in my native language.
"I don't know. To work, to home, they know", he answers.
It feels like a nightmare going on. From time to time, when I can, I look out through the windows, to see this place. It looks like a big city. There is light anywhere: along the streets, on the buildings and also a lot of light from passing cars. Yes. Cars are everywhere. And their huge number seems to block everything around. They are blocked by their own huge number. And I feel like a meteorite falling into a black hole.
"Why didn't we take a taxi?" I ask.
"Because those guys would tax us even 100 times more then a bus ticket", he answers.
"Because they found nobody to twist their necks", I answer.
"Here, you don't have the right to attack other people".
"This place sucks", I answer. "I need a cigarette and fast".
But I cannot smoke here. I think I will explode!
"At least here people don't shut one each other like in the Land Of Dictators", says Alia - Atan.
"Ah, you remember that incident", I say. "Well, be sure that guy got punished. People there have a sense of self-justice. If the same people were here, they would have forced someone to have more busses running then this madness".
"Well, I have to confess you something", he says. "That gunfire in the Land Of Dictators made me feel relaxed. The fact that it draw attention, maybe this saved us. Immediately the train started to move".
"Well, people die all the time", I answer him.
After a whole hour, we get down from this bus. Oh mine! I feel like a piece of extruded meat going to become salami. I instantly light a cigarette. But even cigarettes don't have the same smell. They are original and full of chemicals. What are people here smoking? It makes me cough. My lungs want back their natural, handmade tobacco. Well, I am sorry, there is not much I can give you.
We cross a few streets. There are so many cars passing by, that I almost lose my sense. I grab Atan by hand. It is all confusing now. Again, people start hitting me. What is wrong with them? They look like robots: getting out of these crowded busses and walking on these roads that are so crowded. It is like the population of a whole land is squeezed inside a single city.
We get to something different now. We are on a street. Again, it is full with cars and passing people. On one side, there are blocks. On the other, there is a metal fence and beyond it, there is a yard, full with other people and some strange type of cars. They are smaller then a bus, but bigger then a car. This yard is full with garbage and squeezed dirty snow. People are moving rather chaotically around. They also seem to carry plastic cups with coffee or tea. How much coffee are them drinking! And there are far less smokers. We get to one of these vehicles and Atan pays. We get inside. Now I get it, this is a minibus. So small! Well, I finish my cigarette and get inside. I manage to get to the window and he sits near me.
How fast this car gets filled with people? A few minutes. And people keep getting in and getting in and getting in... So good that I at least have a place to sit. I think there are 3 times more people in then the total number of seats. It is overcrowded, the air is not breathable, the window is covered with moisture and all around there is a horrible smell of mixed perfume. It is getting hot and I am getting to explode. Where is the civilization I thought I would find?
Then, the driver starts the car. Like this was not enough, he turns the music on. The car starts moving. It makes a few left-right turns, breaks, accelerates, breaks, accelerates... each time, almost twisting my brain.
I watch the streets. So crowded again! Cars seem to more stay then drive. And this goes on and on. But finally, after almost an hour, we are out of the city. Well, not quite as I would expect. There still are many cars, even outside. People travel in all directions. I watch the window. So many cars come from the opposite way, by the hundreds. They just keep on coming! And this minibus stops from place to place. People go down, people go up. What a nightmare should be for those who have no seat. Each time someone goes down, I see a few, those close to the door, going down too, to make room.
But there is something else. People seem not to speak one to each other. They are silent. Not even a single word! Oh mine! In our trains, stranger talk to stranger!
Dawn is approaching. The sky gets dark blue. Sunrise will be soon. I can finally see something around, at least the horizon. It looks like we are in a plain, with some distant hills. Just hope this madness will end soon! Well, there are settlements on the way. I don't know what they are: villages or towns. They look rich, with huge houses compared to ours. Every house is encircled by a fence or even a wall. And again, there is people all around.
We reach a town, the end of the line. I jump out, exhausted. What a nightmare this trip! But this town doesn't seem much different. Even if the streets seem smaller, it is still full of cars and people.
Well, here we get two tickets and get into a bus, to travel across the town. Again, it is crowded, but I might say not like the previous one. Since it is day, I see the streets and the buildings. There are many big, old buildings to see. What also catches the eye, is that there is a lot of light. The whole town is decorated with many lights. There are many things I don't understand what they are. I want to ask Atan about, when suddenly people start crumbling.
"Gipsy people!" he says fast. "Watch your pockets and the purse!"
Immediately, he pushes me to the doors. Then, I see some fat women in long skirts. They keep pushing everyone like crazy. Some people protest. I think they are between 5 and 10. They just push everyone and even scream to the passengers.
"They are heading to your purse!" says Atan.
I put my purse under the coat, watching everything. The next second, I realize there is a hand trying to get to one of my pockets. What to do? There is no space to move. Those over-fat women keep on pushing everyone, squeezing and squeezing us. Some small children move between our feet. What are they up to? I just keep my purse with all the power, but someone tries to push it. Not knowing what to do, I hardly push the purse up, above my head.
Suddenly, the pressure decreases. The bus stops in a station and all the fat women, with their children, move out. I look at my purse. It is partially cut beneath, but they did not manage to get much out of it. My lipstick and a lighter are missing, together with some coins.
A woman starts crying and saying something.
"What happened?" I ask Atan.
"What do you think? Those Gipsy people got her money, her regional passport, her house and car keys, her driving license... That happened".
"And everyone is just watching and not doing anything?" I ask, shocked.
"Gipsy people are a minority and they are protected. If you dare to do something to them, police will turn against you, for discrimination. There is nothing you can do".
"This is insane!"
"Well, only a fraction of the Gipsy population do this, the rest is working and even hard. But this is the way things go around. You are not allowed to defend yourself, but they are protected. The same applies to all minorities, including sexual minorities".
I take some money and try to give to that woman.
"Here! I want to help you", I say in 4 or 5 languages. She does not take it.
"Damn it, Atan! Translate her!" I say.
He translates, the woman answers something and doesn't take the money.
"She says thank you, but she cannot take your money", he says.
"Why?"
"Because here people don't accept gifts from strangers".
What a strange place! Back in the mountains, there are people who voluntarily go in trains and serve passengers with food, hot tea and cigarettes. And if a stranger is attacked, people always fight back. Here, it looks like everyone for itself.
We get out of the bus. Here is another minibus station, but this time it is just on the street. We get something to eat from a small shop. I notice that just behind, there is a railway station.
"Why don't we take the train?" I ask.
"Because trains are very rare. There are only two a day".
"Still better then this nightmare!" I say.
"Nobody takes the train in here. People rush with their cars or with a minibus. It is all about time. Trains travel empty".
"But why such a hurry? It seems everyone is in a hurry here".
"To go to work, to go back home, to go shopping, to go to a date", he answers. "This is how life is here".
Well, we eat something and smoke. We stay for maybe an hour. What a strange place is this station! You have no bench, no seat, no nothing. We stand in cold and wind. Good that it is not snowing. People are crowding already. And on the road, cars are everywhere.
Finally, a minibus arrives. We enter. But this time, we hardly manage to get in. No empty seat! We have to travel like this.
The car immediately gets on the road. I can see nothing but the many people surrounding me. All I can hear is the engine, combined with a strange music playing on. All I can smell is a horrible mixture of perfume combined maybe with some sweat. All I can taste is these people's breath. And all I can feel is how people push into me each time the car accelerates, breaks or turns left or right. This is madness! Real madness! And all this keeps on going maybe for an hour.
Finally, we get down. We are in a village, with huge homes surrounded by large fences. In the distance, I hear something like a train. And I manage to see it. It is a small vehicle, a bit larger then a minibus. That is the train? And even more shocking is that I see no passengers. It is empty!
We light a cigarette and walk along the road, that still is filled with cars. We look for a way to get across. And then, as we finish our cigarettes, we reach a house. There, we get in.
Now, there is another difference. Here, the fence door is locked. In the Land Of Mountains, we never lock any door. Then we enter a yard, with four dogs. They are incredibly fat! Each one is tied by a chain. I've never seen so fat dogs before! Everything shows so much luxury! The yard is paved, the house is huge and there are also other buildings around.
"My parents know English, so you can speak to them this way", he says as he takes a key and opens the front door.
We enter a huge room. There is a lot of furniture everywhere. I hear some music (probably a distant TV) and feel the heat. Then, I hear someone speaking. Now, that is something I never seen. How can you lock the door when you are in your house?
Two people emerge. They seem to be around 50. I carefully look into their eyes. They seem so much different.
Atan makes the presentation, They are his parents. But when he talks about me, he says:
"She is Nicotiana, my future wife".
Well, isn't that too much? Now, as he played my game, I should play his.
"Nice to meet you", they say. Then, they kiss my chicks. Interesting.
Immediately, they take us into a large room. My eyes keep on twisting around the extreme luxury of this place. What a large room! I And all that furniture! And what a huge TV! And not only. There are a lot of things in here that I don't know what they are. They return in a few minutes with food.
It all comes with general questions, like: where are you from, what do you work, how is life there, for how long are you together, things like this. I also compline about the horrible minibus trip to here, but his parents seem to find it natural.
I look at the food. Such expensive plates! And the food contains a lot of meat. I just look and get shocked about the huge waste. They also bring some wine, saying that they made it themselves. But I say that I never drink alcohol. After all this eating, I feel like two pigs are inside me. Oh mine! And they also bring cookies!
I take a cigarette and prepare to light it. Then, his mother stops me in an instant.
"You smoke?"
"Yes, I do".
"Please, stop this. It will kill you".
"No, it won't. That thing in the glass is going to kill you, not this", I say, pointing a glass of wine.
"Maybe she can go out and have a smoke", says Atan.
"You can smoke in the kitchen", says his mom.
So, Atan is trying to hide from his parents that he smokes? I grab his hand and take him by force to the kitchen. There, I light a cigarette and also give him one.
"What?" screams his mother. "How could you?"
"I learned him", I say.
His dad comes, when he hears the scream. He looks shocked.
"What have you done, son! I don't believe it! This thing will kill you!"
"I learned him", I answer again.
"No way! Only delinquents smoke!"
"I am an adult, now I am in charge of my own life", he says.
"You also made his hair green, like yours", his mom continues. "What have you done to our child?"
"Did I do anything wrong?" I ask. "I don't think so".
"You will stop smoking now, or I will order you to stop going back to that mine", his dad says.
Atan looks at us all. While his parents look really scared, he takes another drag from his cigarette and says:
"For so long you've decided my life. Now, I won't listen to you. If you don't want me the way I am, I go now. And the same is for she. Don't even dare to judge her. She saved my life... but also, almost killed me".
He takes my hand, while his parents look really scared. What a strange thing! We just errived and everything is going into a fight!
"You never were so rude to us!" his dad says. Just let that girl go and I will get you back to your previous job", his dad says.
"Listen and understand!" says Atan. "I am going nowhere with you. I finally have my life, my house, even my family. If you only judge her because she smokes, it is your problem. Not mine".
"How dare you talk to us like that!" screams his mother.
I look and don't believe my eyes. I just lighted a cigarette and the whole world is about to explode.
"Stop!" I shout to them. "If you don't want me here, it is ok, I will head back. But if you don't like him, you don't have the right to decide. Let him decide what he wants to do".
"How dare you?" his mom says, looking with anger at me. "He is my son. And he will do what I want, not what you want, green bitch!"
"I am going back to the mountains. Atan, do you come with me?"
I say this and start going out.
"I am going back with you", he says.
"Atan!" says his mother. "Atan! Do you hear that name? She gave him a new name! How on Earth is that possible?"
He comes with me and we are heading to the front door. But, the next second, his dad grabs him back. I stop and turn back.
"I thought we are the savages", I say, lighting another cigarette. "I thought this is the civilized world".
"My parents will never accept this", he says. "But be sure, mom and dad, that once I get out of your hands, I will get back to the Land Of Mountains".
Then, his mother goes directly to me and hit my face hard. I look at her, not knowing what to do. She looks at me and starts crying.
"You, bitch! You destroyed our loved child! Look what he has become! Smoking and with green hair... Oh, dear God! Why did this happen to us? What sins did we do to suffer this much?"
She is crying in front of me and I really don't understand what is going on.
"I will not let you go back", says his dad.
"I don't need your permission", says Atan. I will go. It is my life and my future there".
"Just shut up!" says his mother, crying. "Shut up! Shut up! And do what your father tells you", she cries and falls down to a corner.
Her face is now red and she is crying. What to do? I look around and find a clean towel and a glass of water. I take the towel and clean her face, then moist it a bit in water and wash her. Then, with another dry end of that towel, I clean her face. I give her another glass of water, to drink. And I help her stand up.
"My parents accepted him without any questions", I say.
"What kind of people are them?" asks his father.
"Farmers. Peasants. They have cows, a horse. They cultivate tobacco and then we make handmade cigarettes and sell them".
"And you self-sustain with this?" asks his dad.
"Yes. Well, I also work at the railway station".
"Maybe you are not savages, after all", says his dad. "Well, stay with us this day, but tomorrow you will go back. And he will stay with us".
"I am not staying here", says Atan. "The moment she leaves, I will go with her".
"Son", says his dad. "How dare you? Do you realize what people will say when they see you married a savage woman? Do you realize what that will be for the prestige of our family? You need to get a woman with a similar wealth and with a similar school training".
"She has her own house and she graduated an university", says Atan. "Isn't that enough? Only that she is from somewhere else".
"Why doesn't she come to us?" says his dad again. "That will be an increased privilege for her, to be in the civilized world".
"What civilization is this?" I ask. "Yes, you are far richer then we are, but in rest, you have nothing. You are empty holes. I never imagined to see this. You have destroyed and you are destroying your child. My parents would never do to me such a thing".
"Your parents probably don't love you", says his mother.
"My parents never beaten me in their life. Ever. But you did".
"We never beaten our son, too", says his father.
"But you did", I answer to him. "Not with your hands or a stick, but with your words. With your authority. Your child ran to the end of the world from you!"
"Is that true?" asks his dad.
"Yes", answers Atan.
His parents look surprised.
"This is the respect you give to us, the parents who gave you life?" says his mom surprised.
"I love you and I will always love you", says Atan. "But this is my life. And now I do it the way I want. And if you don't like me the way I am, we will go right now".
"How dare you define my orders?" says his dad with a lot of anger. "Get in the house right now!" he screams as loud as he can. "And you, bitch, get the fuck out of my property!"
His mother comes to me and starts beating me. I don't fight back, thinking about what to do.
Two seconds later, Atan grabs me and we get out of the house. We go directly into the road. Cars start beeping at us. Atan takes my hand and we run. We hear his parents screaming in the distance. We run, along the road. Then, we enter a small bar. There, he says hello to the seller.
"Adrian, I fast need your phone. I need to call a taxi!" he says.
"Ok, right now", he says, taking his cell phone. "Who is she?"
"She is my wife", answers Atan.
"Where are you going?" says Adrian.
"To town".
"Go with Daniel, he is heading to the town too. He just stepped by for a bottle of cola".
I didn't understand anything of what they said, only that the next second we enter a car and heat the road. I have no idea what is going on. Atan is in the front with the driver. They speak in their local language, which I don't understand at all. A few minutes of tension, until we reach a town.
There, we go down and take a taxi. Again, I have no idea what Atan is talking with the driver. We keep on going until we reach a train station. Atan jumps down from the taxi, while I wait inside. The driver asks me something, but I answer in English:
"I am not from here, I don't understand your language".
Then, Atan comes, takes me out and talks something with the driver. The driver takes a large cell phone and they work something on. I don't know what. Finally, Atan takes my hand and we move to what appears to be a railway station.
"We are safe", he says. "We have a train in an hour or so, back to the capital. From there, we have one last airplane in this evening. We're going home".
The railway station is almost empty. Only a few people can be seen. Compared with the madness on the roads, railways here seem so strangely unused. And also the train is a small one, with an engine and two wagons. We are the only passengers!
"I've never seen parents with so much authority", I say.
"Well, this is a tradition, that parents decide for their children. In past, all marriages were dictated by parents. For the boys, there was a little freedom, but girls, in many places, were simply both by boy's family".
"That would never happen in the mountains", I say with anger.
"My parents love me, but they draw straight lines. They never accept any deviation from those lines".
"So, no matter if you are happy or not, you must do as they want".
"Yes", he says. "But don't get it wrong. They act like this because they think this will help me. Ironically, they love me a lot and it is their strong love that makes them act like this".
Then I see a tear in his eyes.
"It hurts me to do this. They are my parents after all and I know they love me. But I have to leave them behind".
I hold his hand and gently massage it.
"Your parents love you", I say. "I've seen it in their eyes. It is only that they think they are doing the right thing".
"Many friends said that I would need to talk with my parents and explain them that I need my own vital space", he says.
"That will solve nothing", I say. "They will never listen to you. Honestly, you did the best decision and I am proud of you today. If you stayed, you would have ruined the little you've built of your new life. If you tried to argue with them, they would only suffer more", I say as I gently move my hand to his back. "What do you think they will do?"
"Nothing. They will cut-off any connection with me. They will go to the church and pray over and over, to get you away from me and me back home. But this will last a few years. In the end, they will try to contact me back and we will make peace. I've seen this over and over. This also happened with them and their own parents".
We go to our destination, to the capital. The journey took about twice more time by train then it would take by minibus, but we were no longer in an overcrowded space. Atan takes me to a park. We find an empty bench and not far from here is a small shop selling something like doughnuts. It also has a small TV set. We sit there and eat something. The, we have a smoke.
"I am very sorry for my parents", h says. "No matter what appears to you, they love me".
"You know, when I went to the University, my parents were strongly against this. But I decided on my own. They suffered a bit, but everything worked just fine".
"I am sorry that they beat you", he says again.
"Don't worry! At that moment, I was just thinking what to do".
Then, he tells me to keep silence, as on that TV, the news go on. We move closer to the shop and he translates me;
Shocking news regarding the train with cigarettes. The corruption department says that for the moment, it looks like a lot of officials were implied in this. It appears that bribery was so common, that clients just came with money in their hands, as they took the packs of cigarettes.
They say that two directors from the customs have been arrested, while another one gave his demission today morning. they also say that nobody ever imagined so many cigarettes can cross the border. They were not only for this land, but also going further away.
The investigation turns out to be on an international scale, as this transport was not only for us. The train was supposed to detach some wagons at a thermal plant, then continue its way into the Civilized World.
"False! It was only for you, but you really don't know how much people smoke!", I whisper.
As the investigation shows that the train was coming from Land Of Dictators, we start to ask ourselves what is going on there. Satellite images show large areas cultivated with tobacco, also possible manufacturing facilities. Nobody has ever imagined that contraband has grown to this size.
So far, nothing about Stromboli! Might he be ok?
Experts say that, once the train has been discovered, cigarette mafia lost a huge amount of income. Traffickers need to pay their men and to keep the business going on. Their godfathers will risk bankruptcy. If this becomes true, we will see violence in the Land Of Dictators.
Now, finally, I understand what was Stromboli up to. He wanted to destroy his competitors.
We stay for a few hours around, but honestly I don't like. I just want to be out. I want to be back to my mountains. I see how much suffering is in Atan's eyes. I also know how much his parents suffer. But why all this? I will never be able to understand how people think in here.
It was such a bad, such a horrible day, like I never had in years. And it is the suffering that pushed everything beyond my limits. It was harder then the entire trip, herder then the moment when his mother started to hit me. I cannot close my eyes, because, when I do this, I see his parents, how they suffered for their child. At that time, I wanted to be safe. Now, their eyes are ripping myself apart. And his eyes too. He sure loves his parents, as they love him.
At some point, I see a cathedral. It looks somehow similar to that cathedral in the Land Of Ice. I need to get inside. We both get and we kneel together at one of the large icons. I start crying. My eyes close and I see his parents crying, in front of an icon too. What should I do? I cry and he starts to put his hands on my shoulders. But no matter what he does, I keep on crying for a few minutes.
Then, I stand up and see. It is an Orthodox church. In front, two popes in golden clothes are speaking, accompanied by a chorus. I feel the need to stay and Atan stays with me. We stay all until the preying ends. Then, we wait in a line, to kiss the icons in front, as one of the popes touches our faces with something like a transparent lipstick, with an incredible perfume.
I feel much better now, much lighter and ready to keep on going. Outside, it is dark. It is getting late. We go to the airport and we have to stay the whole night waiting. In the morning, our plane will take us back to the Land Of Ice. So good that we move out of this strange place.
This chapter is dedicated to a 60 years old female doctor psychologist, who revealed me that I am a sfenist, around 2003. She opened my eyes and helped me rebuild my life in a new way. And not only me. Many people were helped by her over time. She died around 2016. May peace be upon her soul.
The author
The airplane arrives in Land Of Ice, early in morning, at dawn. In the civilized world, it's the day of Christmas. However, the Eastern Orthodox Christmas will be many days after now. We head back to the cheap motel and pick-up back our luggage. Now, Atan becomes again Alia. We looks almost the same. We both have green hair (even if his is shorter). We have a green winter coat, a green sweater and a green skirt. The only difference is at our feet. I have black tights and above them a second layer of green pantyhose, with green shoes. Alia has boots and green pantyhose. Anyone who will spot us will say that we are two girls and not what we really are.
"I am very sorry I've got you into this", says Alia - Atan. "I regret what my parents did to you".
"Well, if we have an extra free day", I say, "why not spend it here in the city?"
Well, we go to a small place near the University, where we eat something. Then, we make a break for smoking. Then, I come with an idea. We go to a distant part of the city, a quiet residential area. It is a street with concrete blocks of apartments. Everything looks just as it did in the old times. There, in one of those blocks, lives the person that made me realize I am a sfenist. I take him there. I am sure she will not be upset to see him, a man dressed as a woman. After all, I've seen even gay people visiting her. All come here for help. So, we get up to the 5th floor, where we ring at the door.
"Here lives the person that told me everything, that helped me recover my life. She is the only friend I have. Don't lie to her. Tell her everything", I say to him.
An old woman comes and opens the door. When she sees me, she immediately smiles:
"Nicotiana, what a pleasant surprise! And you've grown! And who is this one?"
"This one, is Alia or Atan, depending on how you want to call him", I answer. "He is my future husband, a transgender and also a sfenist".
"How happy I am to see that!" she says, with a big smile. "Come in, you too! I am so happy with you. Sfenist couples are extremely rare".
She invites us in her apartment. Almost nothing has changed around. Everything is as it was. She lives alone for a long time. She puts a big ashtray on the table.
"I know you are a convinced smoker", she says, laughing. "And I bet you are a smoker too, you have no idea how many people has she convinced to smoke. I hate alcohol. I had to divorce from my husband because he used to come drunk and beat me. My father ended in a mental institution because alcohol destroyed his brain. And my son is just a pathetic alcoholic, sleeping on the street. Smoking is much safer. But, Nicotiana, excess smoking is not good. I am approaching 70 and my body feels the effect of long term smoking. But still, smoking a cigarette with you is worth the consequences".
We start talking. First, I tell her about what happen these days: how I found Alia - Atan, how I made him smoke, how we shocked the whole village as he worn woman clothes and all that happen these days. Then, Atan tells her his personal life. Everything. She has the style to make you speak. She tries to be a friend and works with you from the inside.
<>.
Well, Alia, or Atan, as you want me to call you, I am the one that helped Nicotiana a long time ago. I recognize a sfenist from a big distance. And I am here to help you understand what you are. She must have told you by now that a sfenist is a psychological impotent, a person that has the capability to have sex, but is unable, because of a trauma. Sfenists never appear without a trauma. Yes, you might tell me about celibacy, as found in monasteries, but that is completely different. It is your own wish. Sfenists are always made against their own will. I have found many by now, majority of them being women. Male sfenists are more rare, but they do exist.
You both are sfenists because a violent incident, more exactly a rape. But there are many sfenists that became like you after something else. I know a 50 years old woman that became sfenist when her husband abandoned her. He realized that he is gay. I know a man that became sfenist after the death of his wife. And of course, there are many sfenists that became like you because their parents had a very powerful authority and truncated their personality. There are also other factors, all of them meaning something violent, a trauma that cannot be repaired ever.
Not everyone becomes a sfenist after a violent incident. I made a study on my own and found out that after a rape, more then half women return to a normal life and are able to support sexual relations. I found out that among those who don't recover, at least half become insane and a significant part become sexual addicted. Many cases of whores and prostitutes are in fact results of sexual abuse in early part of the life. The percent of women that became sfenists is small, but still notable.
If the victim immediately asks for a psychological treatment, it is possible to undo the damage and you might not become a sfenist. But, the recover will never be complete. In many cases, it is too late or it is impossible to do much. Here comes the catch. Since recovery is not always possible, many people will be able to have sex, but not as a pleasure. It will be a bit of pleasure, but there will also be suffering. Will there be more pleasure or more pain? Unfortunately, I have no answer to this.
Which people become sfenists? Many people recover without problems. I found out that majority of sfenists are lonely people, introverted, people with their own world. Also, people that trust others and who never ever experienced something violent in their life. Well, such people have a predisposition, but it is not a law. As far, I don't know exactly.
What is a sfenist? A sexual minority. And what is a sexual minority? Actually, an anomaly. Not a disease (even if some sexual minorities can be considered as diseases), but an anomaly. Now, what is an anomaly? People might say: 'an anomaly is something that is not normal'. In that case, you have to define what is normal and what not. The word 'normal' comes from the word 'norm' and all depends what you fix as norms. From a strict biological point of view, sex exists for a single reason: to reproduce. Animals have sex in order to breed. So, an anomaly can be defined any situation that prevents breeding from happening or any situation that sex occurs not for breeding. If we look at things like this, we see anomalies also at animals. How is that? Animals do masturbate and homosexual manifestations are well known. This is found more often at males and more rare at females. The answer is that males are always ready to mate, while females will only mate when they can get pregnant. For males, masturbation and homosexuality occurs when there is no female to mate. Also, as seen in cows and female pigs, that, when there is no male around, females will try to copulate with each other. But. all these manifestations disappear when classic sex is possible.
In case of humans, everything is far more different. You can say that humans are the most pervert species of all. Humans have sex almost only for pleasure and rarely to breed. Even more, we see a lot of unusual practices connected to sexual life. Masturbation occurs at almost everyone and in most cases continue the whole life. And we also see chastity in humans, which is impossible for animals. So, if we talk about humans, we see many sexual behaviors.
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1. So, let's classify sexual orientations:
In a classical point of view, adults able to breed are divided in heterosexuals (the vast majority), homosexuals (roughly 2.5% of population), with bisexuals (a group between them). But there also are asexuals, which compose of maybe up to 10% (but only 1% declare themselves so). Now, children and aged persons also fit as asexuals, so the number is much higher.
There are also other categories, much more rare: people that are in love with animals (zoophiles), people in love with objects (trees, statues and many others, known as panophiles) or people in love with love and not a real creature (known as eterophiles). In recent years, virtual sex has increased, as people got in love with computer avatars, virtual characters, drawings, hentai characters and other staff (virtualophiles). So, now you see how complex everything actually is. And even more, there are people belonging to multiple categories, like bisexuals.
Ok. Where do we put sfenists in these categories? Yes, sfenists fit well among the asexuals, but I also have meet homosexual sfenists and virtualophiles among sfenists. How do you classify that? Well, trying to do so, everything becomes even more complicated. Sexual orientation exists among the asexuals. Majority are heterosexuals, but not only. So, only a tiny part of the asexuals really are asexuals, the rest of them show some degree of sexual orientation.
2. Let's talk about sexual stability:
Now, once we classified sexual orientations, we need to classify sexual stability (how often you change partners). It is also very complex. Here, we see from people who have a sexual orientation but never have sex or even don't masturbate (like those who live in chastity), to those who go to sexual abuse (like those who practice rape). Based on sexual behavior, we see different minorities. Swingers are an example. They form couples, but from time to time, they 'swing', or change partners for a short period of time. We see that majority form couples (be them heterosexual or homosexual), but polygamy (a man with more women) or polyandry (a woman with more men) also exist. The most interesting thing is if you go to Tibet. There, it is common and natural for a man to have more women or a woman to have more men. Jealousy doesn't exist in Tibet. They solved all in an interesting way: When a woman dates more men, if one man is at her home, he drops his shoes at the door, so other men will not enter.
Where do sfenists fit in this? Well, majority of them live a lonely life. There are a few that have sex to make their partners happy, but also, rare sfenist couples. From what I've seen, sfenist couples are extremely stable. I've never seen a sfenist to cheat its partner, ever.
3. The third thing is sexual behavior.
Here, we have many interesting things. In many cases, people just have sex and that's it. But here we see a lot of minorities. Fetishists are attracted by something. In your case, Alia - Atan, that thing is pantyhose fetish, which is a subcategory of foot fetish, which is very common. There are many kinds of fetishes. There are even more rare sexual minorities, like vampires. They use blades, to make their partner lose a few drops of blood, before having sex. Other unusual minorities are attracted by excrements or flowers or... whatever you might imagine.
The BDSM people are considered a sexual minority. They can be heterosexual, homosexual or belong to any sexual orientation. They like to restrain their partners with bondage tape, ropes and even torture them.
Where do sfenists fit in this classification? At level 1. They would never hurt or force their partners.
4. Sexual identity.
We like to take things straight: a person is a man or a woman. Well, there are many degrees of freedom between these two and that's when you become a transgender. It starts with little imagination (dreaming like what if I were a girl when I am a boy). A second stage means playing with a character of an opposite gender (for example if you are a woman, choosing a male character in computer games, writing a novel with male characters, drawing mostly men). A third level appears when you start in secret to wear clothes or make-up of the opposite gender. The 4th level appears when you become a cross-dresser on the street. The 5-th level is different: when you identify yourself as having the opposite sex. Level 6 comes to the use of hormones and limited surgery, while level 7 comes with surgery of your genitals and you become the opposite gender.
Well, here we have a few interesting things to note. The term 'transgender' is most used in North America and Western Europe, where they exist and have a strong community. There are many distinct transgender minorities in the world, like the Hijra in India or the Fa'fine in Polynesia. They are linked to specific cultures.
Where do we put sfenists among sexual identities? Anywhere. They are found in any group.
Ok for now!
I have a questionnaire with seven questions, each one with seven answers. So, there are 49 positions. If you complete it, you get close to your real sexual identity.
I: What is your sexual orientation?
1 - asexual, 2 - heterosexual, 3 - homosexual, 4 - virtualophily, 5 - zoophily, 6 - panophily, 7 - eterophily
II: How stable are you in your relationships?
1 - a single person whole life, 7 - never with the same person
III: What is your sexual behavior?
1 - don't touch (platonic), 7 - extremely violent (rape)
IV: What is your sexual identity?
1 - natural (male/female), 7 - complete transformation to opposite sex
V: How frequent do you have sexual activities?
1 - never (not even masturbate), 7 - many times a day
VI: How much time of your life is dedicated to sex-related themes?
1 - zero, 7 - all time when I am awake
VII: How far are you from your ideal model?
1 - perfect, 7 - none.
For questions 2...7, you pick-up only one answer. For question 1, for each answer, you give a note between 1 and 7, where 1 means 'no' and 7 means 'yes'.
What is interesting about this test is that it helps the patient to discover who really is. The doctor does not give it a score. Please complete if for yourself and you will have a clear image of what you really are. You see, many people fit into a certain point for a question, but it really is amazing to see how diverse results are. On rare occasions you see two people giving identical answers.
Now, let's get more into sfenists. As one can see, they tend to have some certain scores among the table. At question 1, they tend to write answers 1 and 2, in a similar percentage with other people. At question 2, they write answer 1. At question 3, they write answer 1 or rarely 2. At question 4, they write answer 1 or 2, in the same percent with other people. At 5, they write 1 or 2. At 6, they tend to write 3, which is a bit lower then average. Finally, at question 7, they go directly to extremes, 1 or 7, while in average people go to middle values.
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How frequent are sfenists?
To answer this question, it is hard. The hardest part is that they are not recognized as a sexual minority, even if it is clear that they are. Sfenists are described in various Psychology books and studies, but usually associated with other terms. In most cases, they are described as people with a sexual disorder. One important disadvantage is that psychologists have different methods and different concepts in various parts of the world and this makes any research extremely difficult.
Because they are not recognized as a sexual minority, there is no worldwide research to see how many actually are. I tried on my own to find an answer. If you ask them the proper questions, you will find them. And I did find sfenists wherefer I could send the tests: in North and South America, in West and East Europe, in the Muslim World, Japan and in India. They are found worldwide, but not in the same percents.
As an average, I would say one person in 3000 is a sfenist. Still, this is not a rule. My results found they can be more often, up to one in 500 in certain areas, like at the border between Europe and Asia (and this is where the word 'sfenist' actually exist and is often used). It is clear that they do exist and nobody talks about them.
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How sfenists are, as people?
Sometimes, you don't realize you are a sfenist until you try to have sex. At that point, you realize something is going on. But in most cases, the wounds in your soul are so deep, that you struggle for years only to have a normal life.
From what I've learned is that sfenists behave a bit different. They seem to have personality problems, but not always. They sometimes tend to have another identity. They sometimes try to change their life, try to build a new 'you'. I found cases when they become more violent or they just stop and swallow anything you throw into them. It varies. But, if you do a close analyse, you see their personality is somehow altered.
What remains, usually for the whole life, is the fact that they tend to avoid certain things, places, kinds of people or objects. It all depends to what made them suffer. In many cases of sexual abuse, I found out some key points. For example, they don't allow you to touch them in certain areas (where they had a knife or a wound). They might not support the smell of sweat or to see people naked. In some rare cases, they tend to stay inside and avoid people around them.
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You two must realize that the chance for two sfenists to meet and form a couple is extremely rare. As only one in 3000 is sfenist, the chance to see such a couple is:
3000 X 3000 = 9000000 or one in nine million.
In my whole life, I've seen only two sfenist families. You are the third. And it is your only chance. Your new life is born from pain and nobody else can answer this but yourselves.
A sfenist couple is very difficult to form. It needs time and you must look at things in a completely different way. It is by far not good to look into sex for a lengthy period of time. What will happen, is that you will find far more affection. Sfenist couples are far more powerful and far more united then any other couple. Affection builds-up because of the hormones that exist in each of us. But, in a sfenist couple, there is no way these hormonal tensions can drop through sex. So, they transform into affection. And the affection rises up to incredible levels. You will see. I already see that you try to copy the other one. And this is how it happens. I don't know why, but in every couple, partners try to copy one each other. They end-up having the same gestures, speaking the same, walking with the same steps, wearing similar clothes (as much as possible), trying to copy the other one in any way.
The affection increases to a level where the dominant thing in your life is your partner. You try the best to make it happy. And this incredibly strong affection makes you tolerate everything at your partner. I might say that sfenist love is in fact perfect love.
A sfenist relation can be divided into five steps.
1. At first, the two partners will try to approach each other, but will find that their wounds will act as strong barriers. they try to touch, to love and maybe even to have sex, only to realize this is not the way. Usually, this lasts for a few weeks or months. You were smart and did not try this step.
2. The second step is a lengthy period, lasting from weeks to over an year. In this time, the affection grows beyond that of a classical relationship. I have seen that, during this phase, they might only kiss or hug when they meet, without much more. And you directly entered this period.
3. As time goes, they start to make what limited love is possible. Now, they start touching, exploring the other's body. It is not sex, nor the way lovers do. Each sfenist has certain areas of its body that doesn't want to be touched and refuses to go beyond that. Well, this will also last a few months. What amazes me is that, while they do this, they show a higher amount of affection. They are more happy with this then people in other forms of relationships when having complete sex.
4. The last stage is when they find a way of sex, even if it is different. The best way to do this is mutual masturbation. Well, sfenists have hormones as we all do. Masturbation is common in sfenist couples, but for the first steps, it goes unnoticed. In this stage, they start to talk about it. At first, they will masturbate at the same moment of day, but in different places, without seeing one each other. then, it will happen in the same room. Then, it happens in as one can see the other. It all continues and in some cases, it can go to the point where they touch each other. This phase can also take months to go pass.
5. The final step of a sfenist relation, which occurs even later, is when the strong affection apparently drops a bit. At that point, they are a mature couple, much stronger tied then any other couple. They are one, so united that this scares other people. I've seen it. Well, at this phase, it is time to try to make a child. At this phase, if all worked fine, it might be possible to have limited sex (only if this is possible). Children can be also made artificial. In this case, the man produces some sperm and the woman inserts it. At previous stages, this is not possible or it is very painful.
What is essential is that sfenists will never betray their partners, they will show an incredible level of affection and devotion and that they will try to imitate each other. And also, it is important to note that sfenist relations are not like platonic relations. They are different.
The biggest error sfenists will do is in the first phase, when they will try to touch each other and even to have sex, without realizing that this is impossible. If you manage to get pass it, you will have the most united family in the world.
<>
"I must thank you", says Alia. "Thank you for making me understand who I am".
"You're welcome", she says. "When I look into your eyes I see the eyes of a cornered rabbit, waiting to be eaten by wolves. It is time to realize that you have only one friend in this world and that friend is Nicotiana. Your parents will never accept you as you are. Think what would happen if they know you wear pantyhose and now you sit near me dressed as a woman".
"I do", he says.
"And you, Nicotiana, your eyes looked like a wounded dog when we first meet. Always looking for a place to hide and ready to bite if necessary".
"I remember when you said that".
"Now, you look more like willing to help, but beware. Your wounds are still there and they will never heal. Now, I wish you all the good in the world. God bless you both!"
We leave her apartment and head to the railway station. This was the last time in my life that I've seen her. She is the one that helped me recover and rebuild my life.
Women use to spend on romance books and romantic stories almost as much money as men use to spend on porn.
Research data from a psychological survey, 2008
The morning comes like usual. We stay at the railway station, on the platform. Alia - Atan, now dressed as a man, goes to work, while I stay here and do my job, changing the lines. Before he gets into the train, we hug. People in the train scream at us, as he gets into the train.
"You didn't kill him!" shouts someone.
"Not yet!" I answer, as I get to the radio, to contact nearby stations.
I know what the miners did say when they seen him with green hair... and seen me here with green hair too. How I like things like that! Things will be like this: "Ana, the killer, is now in love! You've done it, stranger, what nobody ever did". That day I just couldn't wait for Alia - Atan to return and tell me what people say. Probably, they think about some sort of sex orgy, with our bed trembling like at a 9 degree earthquake, the walls starting to crack and the trees starting to fall all around. Men and their too much amount of testosterone... Pathetic.
Of course, nobody knows we are sfenists... and nobody will ever know.
I stay in the railway station, at the radio transmitter. It is a cold winter morning, but still, to make Alia - Atan happy, I wear a knee-long skirt. Two pairs of opaque black tights keep my feet warm enough, together with my booties. Unlike other women, I don't like to wear boots. With one hand, I touch my feet below the knees and feel the smooth fabric, but also the strength on my feet. Before knowing Alia - Atan, I never knew that a pantyhose fetish exists. When it was cold, I used to wear them to keep my feet warm as wearing a skirt. But now, I will do anything I can to make him happy.
He left to the mine dressed as a man, but wearing black opaque tights beneath his trousers. Nobody knows this. We chosen to have the same brand on. What people will notice is only what they can see: that he has green hair and green nails, like me. Well, they will think again that I am doing sorcery on him. "That crazy witch! She is going to kill you!" as many said.
I stay at the railway station quite a long. The train gets up to the mine, then it must return. Soon, the radio will beep, telling me this. I light a cigarette. Feeling the smoke entering my body, is what I like the most. I try to take a sexy double drag, just as I seen on YouTube. When I take the cigarette out, a small cloud of smoke exits my mouth. Then, I take air, to push the smoke deeper inside. And then, I let the smoke out both on my mouth and nostrils. Slow and easy. Then, I take two other drags of smoke. At the second drag, I let the smoke out through my nostrils, then take it into my lungs. And again, after holding it a while inside me, I let it out. Then, again, it is time for me to try other tricks. I can do almost everything, except for smoke rings. That I never managed to do.
The train comes, according to schedule. I wait it to return, then signal the upstream and downstream stations by radio. Then, I give the signal. The old, rusted train, starts its engine and keeps on moving. Now, I have a little time for myself. There usually are no trains until noon.
I go back to house and turn my laptop on. Most girls and young women here like to watch romance movies, TV soaps. But not me. I don't even have a TV set here. I don't have enough money for both an internet and a TV cable connection. Well, with a computer, you can see almost all TV programs anytime you want to see them.
I light another cigarette, trying to search something on this laptop, even if I don't exactly know what. I look at my feet, encased in this double layer of tights. I cannot see my toes or any aspect of my skin. No light passes through these layers and what little does, has no way to go back out. I blow some smoke towards them. "Here you are, here's the nicotine you so strongly need", I say to my feet. Time to take a big inhale, to give them more nicotine.
For a few seconds, I keep on thinking how nicotine moves through my arteries and veins, how it gets to every single cell of my body. Even in the roots of my hair, some should go. If someone will take a sample of hair to a laboratory, they will notice the presence of nicotine in it.
Thinking about hair, this is a long dream came true. How long I dreamed of having green hair! And now, I really have it!
There is a South American TV romance series, 'soaps' as people also call them. I know my sister Cemis talks with passion about it. With my computer, I should be able to see it, only that it will be in Spanish or Portuguese, which, like any Latin - origin language, is impossible for me to understand. I find it very easy and watch a bit. At least, I should have an image about what this is about. At least, I will have something to talk with Cemis when she comes here or when I go to her.
What should I say? All characters in the movie share so much luxury. They live in a luxurious building, they have servants, they all have excellent clothes, all characters look good, but they seem not to have anything common with daily life. Secret relationships, mistresses, lovers, extra-marriage relationships... This is what all this is about? The owner of this house (oh, he looks good!) is in an extra-marriage relation with a servant woman, which is doing all this to gain money to rise her children. His wife knows and she has a relationship with a servant man that is more a delinquent and is with her only for money. That delinquent also has a lover, a beautiful poor girl, with his status. And two girls in this movie are fighting for the same extra-marriage lover! All this makes non-sense to me!
"Men and their extreme doses of testosterone... They should be castrated!" says my shadow.
I don't say that I don't find a bit interesting, but only a bit. That violent incident that made me a sfenist transformed me completely. At that time, I also liked this kind of staff. Now, not anymore. Whenever it comes for relationships, I am happy to see the normal form: a man and a woman, not extra-marriage or other staff. Life is anyway too complicated and too harsh.
How much hate I had all these years for men! I think about this, while filling my lungs with smoke again and again and again. There was a time I wanted to kill them all! There was a time when I became more a man then a woman, with the desire to show all guys that women are superior. At that time, I never worn a skirt. It was like if I was trying to become a man. But then, I started to be more and more feminine. More pretty, more sexy, always wearing a dress or a skirt. All this, fueled from the hate growing inside me.
As I inhale some more smoke, my shadow starts reciting something:
It’s all up to you
No one lives forever
Been burn in the hell
By all those pigs out there
When I was a child, there were some TV anime series, named Black Lagoon. There, a main character is a woman named Revy. She was a model for me. She was a cute and polite girl until a policeman beaten and raped her. From that moment, she became a dark angel. I was amazed by her black humor. In the anime, people said she has the eyes of a bloodhound. Well, my psychologist said I have the eyes of a wounded dog. Not to mention, she is also smoking a lot. From that day ever, she was a model for me to follow. Well, there is no way I will end-up wearing guns and shoot people around, but at least I was no longer that cute and polite girl that used to be. Be independent, not get married, not be dominated by a man. Never!
Is it possible that Revy was made, inspired from a real sfenist? I asked my psychologist and she said me this:
"Wherever I went, whenever I sent psychological tests throughout the world, I didn't find a detailed research about sfenists. People seem just to try force them into the mainstream population. However, in every place and every level of civilization, I found sfenists. You just have to ask the correct questions and you will find them".
It’s always been hell
From when I was born
They make me violate them
No matter who they are
These verses are from the opening theme of Black Lagoon. Didn't I feel like this? And how many times? How many times I smashed guys? How many times I answered them with anger, with ugly words? All those infidels. They should be castrated!
No man will ever touch me!
You made a mess
For Christ sake, this rotten world
Shit out of luck
Go with my vision...
I have a big smile on my face. I take another drag from my cigarette, the last one. I put it on an ashtray. It is filled already. Last night, I stayed until late with Alia - Atan, talking and smoking. He loves to speak about Astronomy. That is his hobby. And he got me in with this. How could Venus be terraformed? And about Betelgeuse, a giant star not far away from us, who is on the death rope... and soon might go supernova.
I never thought any guy will get to my heart. But what is he? A man, or a woman? Something between. My native language has no words for transgender, sissy, ladyboy, shemale or anything similar. But it does have the word sfenist. As for now, he never tried to harm me in any way. He never tried to seduce me, but it is clear that he loves me. A clean love, without any passion. It was love at first sight. Instant. It was a clean love, without any flesh desire.
I look at my feet, covered in double layers of tights. When he touches my feet, I feel nothing against. When I look into his eyes, I feel no sinful approach. It is all so different. I dare to say that I love him. For the first time in my life, I love someone. It is completely different. Not even a single kiss, except when we hug. That happens when we meet and when we he takes the train. We sleep in the same room, but like if we were cousins.
I start to become a copy of himself. It is something working deep inside me. His passion for Astronomy got inside me. A woman with a passion that exists for men? Why not? This is what I notice every day: that we tend to copy each one. We tend to use the same words, to share the same moves, to think the same... All this happens automatically. We are not trying this, it just happens. And with every day, I start to feel an ever growing affection. We tend to be so careful about each one's pleasures.
Well, time to do some work! Time to start washing the clothes. I go to the kitchen and heat some water in a metal pot. As I start manual washing, I start to remember something. The place where Alia - Atan lives. His parents. I remember the cry in their eyes. Oh mine! Where should they be now? I feel like I see them with my mind. They are in a room, they kneel in face of an icon and pray. They have an open book in front of them, while tears flow from their eyes. This is too much for me! How much pain I delivered to them? Alia - Atan assured me that there is no way we could possibly solve this problem. They will never accept what is happening. He told me about a guy who married a woman that his parents never accepted (because she was poor). His parents just thrown them away... and they slept for two years in a stable. Then, they had a child. His parents accepted them to move in their house, but almost every day they used to beat her. After other 3 years, she lost two pregnancies and ended-up with diabetes.
I am not letting this to happen with me!
The strangest of all, is that, in that place of the Earth, parents think this is the correct way. They never listen to their children and force them to follow what they think is good in life. Ironically, this is their strong love for their children. But the suffering I seen in his parents' eyes makes me cry. They don't realize they have destroyed their child with that much authority. And they will never accept it. He had to run here, to the end of the world, to save and rebuild his life.
I will do anything it takes to make him happy and to help him.
But what to do with his parents? I imagine them, now, staying in front of an icon and praying. Their eyes are red of crying and there is no hope for him to return. I just have to live with this. He is suffering too. I see it in his eyes. Only that I take the hit harder then he does. There is another thing. I always know when someone is praying about me. I feel it. It is like I can see and hear it. And I feel it right now. As I wash the woman dress he uses... Only if they knew he wears a woman dress in house... that would be enough for them to come here and grab him back.
After I finish washing the clothes, I put them out on a wire, to dry-up. I go to the house and open my laptop again, also lighting a cigarette. I need something else, something to distract my mind. And I search about the coal train, filled of cigarettes. Did protests arise in the Land Of Dictators? What news do we have?
Shocking! None of this actually happens. In the Land Of Dictators, everything looks normal. I even find an interview with San Marino, the godfather of cigarette mafia there. He says it short:
"I didn't do it, even if those were my cigarettes. I have no idea who did it, but look at what is happening! I am proud to see this! This shows the world that Democracy sucks and Communism is the best form of social organization. I don't care about lost money, as long as it is for the noble cause of Socialism".
What happened? In the land where Alia - Atan came from, huge political tensions have arose. The prime minister was asked to handle his demission. Many important people from security, police and customs had to write their demission, while others were arrested. Now, there is a strong pressure against justice departments, which cannot resist the power for long. That land is the gateway to Civilized World. Now, I see it all. The real reason behind what Stromboli did, was to weaken the border, to smuggle more easy contraband cigarettes. At least, this is how things look like.
Now, if anyone finds out that it was us who placed all those cigarettes on top of the train, our lives will be doomed. So, we have to keep it all quiet and not spend the money from Stromboli soon.
After I finish the cigarette, I return to the kitchen, to start cooking something. Then, the radio beeps. A train is coming. Soon, another beep: a second train is heading towards us. Two trains will reach this station, so I need to prepare it. I go and change the switches: one train will enter line 1, the other on line 2. Soon after they arrive, I will have to run to the end of the line, to change switches back, so that each train will continue on its way. Then, I have to signal by radio upstream and downstream stations. This is why small stations like mine are kept alive: to handle two trains passing in opposite directions.
Well, everything goes fine. Evening comes. Alia - Atan will come soon, with the evening train. I prepared everything for him. The food is in the kitchen, on plates, just hot enough to be eaten. He has clothes to change, in the house, to become a woman again. The fire is burning both in the house and the kitchen, just to be comfortable.
And he comes, with the evening train. He jumps from the train and we hug on the platform. Immediately, I do my job, letting the train pass, as we return to the house. He goes to the house and changes: a yellow women sweater and a black skirt. He takes a second pair of black tights on, to be like me, with white platform plastic slippers. Now, only his face looks like a man, the rest is a woman. Nobody would guess. We eat. I made a soup with a loot of cheese and small slices of apple (my own invention, never found it in a cook book), then we eat something with potatoes, carrots and other vegetables, with sauce and long, slim slices of smoked cheese above it. It also contains natural butter and some egg. As desert, I made him cookies, covered with a thick powder of sugar. And yes, as usual, we have milk. He likes to add some honey in milk, so I placed him a small cup with honey. And like always, I ask him what does he think about the food. Should I improve something? At first, he didn't say anything, but now he gives me little ideas.
Then, he helps me wash the dishes. He is always very careful what he can do to help. And then, we go to the house. We sit on the bed and place the laptop on a pillow in front of us, like usually.
We both light a cigarette from the same lighter, a thing that we never did before, but now it just happened this way. I watch how he takes a hungry drag of smoke, then blows it up in the room. I take then a single inhale with two drags and blow the smoke towards him. Then, he takes some smoke in his mouth and blows it towards me.
This kind of blowing smoke one to the other, are our sfenist way of kissing. Well, not touching flesh, but somehow, they have more affection in it then a real kiss would have.
"The planet is covered with dark clouds" he says, showing his double-layered pantyhose on his feet "and a volcano is erupting", showing his cigarette.
"And on a sister planet, things are going just the same", I say, moving my hand with the burning cigarette on my feet.
"This planet is being transformed both from the inside and from the outside", se says again.
As we stay, our toes can touch one to each other. And we do touch.
"Continents are moving", I say, laughing.
He tries to laugh, but just when he was smoking. It all ends with a cough.
"That was a tsunami", he says.
I laugh at this.
"Maybe your volcanoes are more eruptive then mine", I say, blowing a small cloud of smoke in the air.
"Or maybe your atmosphere is denser and could handle the eruption", he says, playing with one hand on his feet.
"Next time, I will wear 3 layers", I say, with a smile. "Or add the leggings on top of everything".
"That will be like the atmosphere of Jupiter", he says, looking at my feet.
"Will that resist an imminent volcanic explosion?" I ask him.
"I don't know, Nicotiana. Everything is possible with you".
"This thing will feed the volcanoes", I say, taking my cigarette close to his face.
He takes a drag of my cigarette. I see him. Then, he keeps the smoke inside him and blows it away, up. It is the first time this happens.
"Interplanetary volcanism!" I say.
He takes his cigarette close to my mouth and I grab it with my lips and take a lot of smoke. I let the smoke out slowly, through my mouth and my nostrils.
"Your volcanoes are erupting. Mine, just produce a strain of lava", I answer with a smile.
Then, we open the laptop and watch for news. This is more an automated response from both of us. We've been too far. There is a 'something' that started the alarm in our brains, that we need to stop. A romance is acceptable, sexy staff no. Teasing is not for us. At least not yet. Being a sfenist is like a fight between two forces. It is just like the equilibrium inside a star, between the mass of the star that tries to squeeze all matter into a black hole or a neutron star and the huge energy produced by nuclear fusion in the core, which wants to rip the star apart. These two forces are incredibly powerful. Somehow, these things are common in every relationship, in a way or another. But there is a strong difference.
A sfenist couple is like a red dwarf star. Their light is between a thousand and a million times weaker then our Sun. They are small and go unnoticed, invisible with naked eye. But they last for trillions of years. A classic relationship looks like the Sun. It produces far more energy. The struggle between the two forces, between gravity and nuclear fusion, is a real battle inside the Sun. And it will last far shorter, ending with a red giant phase, that will blow away atmospheres of all planets. But there are other, more bright stars. I can compare them with other, most known sexual minorities. When gay people or swingers or people that practice BDSM are in public, everyone notices them. I know that partners change much more frequent in such relations. Their stars burn energy like crazy.
Well, I am happy with this little flame we have.
I show him the news about that train filled with cigarettes: the demission of several officials, others being arrested. Also, I show him how quiet is the Land Of Dictators.
"The place where I grew, has nothing to do with me now. For me, everyone and everything there are dead. The only thing I wish is to get your citizenship and live here for the rest of my life", he says.
"I understand you", I say. "And I will do whatever I can to help you".
He looks with some widely-opened eyes.
"Are you willing to help me get citizenship?" he asks, almost not believing this.
"Yes, Alia", I say.
But the next second, I realize. To get citizenship, the most easy way is to get married. And he can do this only with me. I realize what I just said. But, no matter how scary might seem, it is the only way. It is too early for this, but... whatever.
"You realize how such a thing is done"... he says, looking down and only with half his voice.
"I know", I say. "But, as I said, I will help you".
"Nicotiana, you don't have to do this", he says.
I realize how dependent he is from my protection. He can stay up to 4 months here. Then, he needs to go back and require a new set of paperwork. And this needs to be done each four months. And again, he might reach his parents. And what would that lead to?
"I know what is the only easy way to get citizenship", I say. "Alia, just wait for the holydays to pass and we do the paperwork. I think you know what that way is", I say, looking at the cigarette in his hand.
"I know... mmm... the word... to be together".
I see so much tension in his eyes. Time to break the ice!
"Marriage? Why not?" I answer with a smile.
"If you agree with this, I am happy about. But, Nicotiana, is it not too early? I mean, we are together for about one month".
"It is just a formal marriage, to get citizenship, not that we are going to have a wedding and a drinking orgy and a sexual orgy. It is only a piece of paper that will help you get citizenship and nothing more. And it should not be anything more then a sheet of paper", I say, loud and clear.
"What will your parents say?" he asks me.
"That it is a piece of paper, in order to help you", I answer quick.
"What about my parents?" he asks.
"Do you want them to find out?" I ask him.
"No, they will never accept", he answers.
"Then, we will not tell them anything", I say with a firm accent.
"That is what got me scared", he says. "You realize what they would do if we get married? Nicotiana, I mean, they will come here, grab me back and all my new life will end".
"I realize it, Alia. As well, I realize how much they love you and how much pain we placed in their hearts".
"Please, don't talk about that", he says. "I know it, but there is nothing I can do. As the psychologist said, it is much better if we let the things as they are, no matter how much pain it gives to all of us. So, I just leave them behind. I try to forget them and consider my former homeland dead. Nuked! The former me has died, the new me is still an infant, but is growing. And when I will have completely grown, I will look back to them and see if any communication channel can be opened".
"I know it is painful, but that is the best way", I say to him.
He uses my laptop to get to his mail address. He has messages from his parents, but he deletes them all. Then, he goes to his Facebook page and deletes it.
"Don't take such drastic actions", I say. "Maybe one day you want to take back something from what you had".
"Nicotiana, you know something? I never wrote a single word and never checked anything on Facebook since I came here. I didn't want anyone to know about my new life. And when I will have citizenship, I will change my name. So, I will be a new person".
"I ask you again, Alia. Are you sure? You are making a huge step and there might be no coming back. Life is hard here. People are shot on the streets. You know well. If anything bad happens, no police will come here to help you".
"The guy that destroyed my life was a police officer!" he screams with much anger. "I went to the police and told them, but they were laughing at me and saying they will accuse me of calumny! So, I had to cancel my accusations, to avoid a worse trial!"
I look and see the eyes of a bloodhound. He looks like ready to kill with no mercy.
"Then, a few years later", he says, "my parents opened a small shop there, in the village. The leader of the Gipsy people in the area, asked for a protection fee and they gave him every month. But, in one week, they didn't have the money when he came. When I was selling in the shop, the Gipsy came in and smashed everything. I got paralyzed for a few moments. You realize, Nicotiana? Seven fat guys enter in your shop, take everything they want and break glasses around? After that, I started laughing for a few minutes, then crying. When I realized what is happening, I took the first minibus and ran and slept a night far away into a railway station. And you know what police said? That the Gipsy are protected and we should better shut-up if we don't want to be charged with a fee for racial discrimination. At the University, police found me learning in parks and in subway, because I really had no quiet place to learn. And they took me and bitten me like a delinquent".
At least that infidel who destroyed my life is now dead. A few days later, he tried to abuse another girl in Almathea, but his father caught him and killed him. The body was found in the river days later. But that police guy, he might still be alive out there, destroying lives of other innocent people.
I try to put my hands on his shoulders and slowly massage his hands. Then, I move one hand to his back. Suddenly, he has a strong, violent move.
"Never touch the upper of my back", he says. "There, that sun of a bitch kept his knife. Nobody can touch me there".
He is like me! I also don't accept anyone to touch my neck, but in the front.
"The first day you are free from work, we go to Jupiter and see what we need. As soon as possible, we get married, so you will have citizenship. And when that happens, I want my name to be changed into Nicotiana Ana, once and for all!"
We stay silent for a few minutes. Then, we decide to watch a TV show on the laptop. And then, we go to sleep.
As the 3 AM train comes, I run to the station, like always. As I wait for the train, I keep on thinking about what a strange world Alia - Atan comes from. Where is the civilization? People might be rich, but what good is that for? I enjoyed nothing in the civilized world. Nothing! Life is far better here.
Also, I have a few images from that soap-syrup TV series that my sister Cemis likes to watch. All those extra-marriage relationships, all the drama of each one... Why do we need drama, when this world is so filled of pain? Isn't the life better here in the mountains? Isn't it better to have a 100 $ salary for a 24/7 work on the railway then to be the mistress of a very rich husband or the lover of a very rich wife?
How much suffering in this rotten world...
Young ants do have wings, but adult ants cut down their wings, to force everyone look like them.
Ancient saying
Very soon, we will have our paperwork, our new identities and our official marriage. I will officially be Nicotiana Ana and he will now be Alia Atan. The state employee will randomly chose a common family name for both of us. Well, they are just papers, nothing more, but they do mean something. He long wanted to have a new identity. But about the official marriage, I still think it is too early to do that. Or is it? When the miners will find out this, it will be like the shock waves of a supernova. Supernova? His passion for Astronomy gets into me, day by day.
I am here, at the railway station, like in every morning. Holyday or not, the coal must flow. So, Alia - Atan, dressed as a man, took the morning train to go to his work, like always. I left the train to pass. Soon, it will return and pick-up a few passengers that go downstream. It is a cold winter day, but not for me. I can hardly wait for our papers!
I light a cigarette and try to do some fetish smoking, as seen on YouTube. With practice, it gets better every day. As I practice, I hear a knock in the window. It's my elder sister, Abida!
"Get in, sis! It's warmer in!", I say.
She gets inside and lights a cigarette.
"Hi!"
"Where are you going?" I ask her.
"To the city", she says with a smile.
It is rare that I see Abida smiling. She is usually more quiet and her face does not show many feelings.
"What are you up to?" I ask her.
"I go to get a present for Aslan. Is Atan free tomorrow?"
"Yes, it is his free day", I say. Aslan is her husband. But why does she ask about Atan?
"Great! Our parents will come to you. And I will come with Cemis too".
"I think you are up to something", I say. "I can feel it".
"Me? Nothing. Since he is a Christian, our parents think we should try to make him happy. It will be East Christmas Eve".
"Yes, but where he is, Christmas was celebrated in December. Well, I like the idea. Hope he likes it too".
Then, Abida takes a long puff from her cigarette and comes closer to me.
"Do you like him?"
"I do", I say with a smile.
"Don't you think it is weird for a man to dress like a woman?" she says.
So this is why she is smiling?
"No, I really find nothing against it".
"I just find it unusual".
"Men are so full of hair", I say. "They have ugly nails, they are so filled with perfume that smells like a subway station. I find it more likely this way. His hands and his feet are more acceptable this way. And wearing pantyhose actually makes his feet look more acceptable".
"I don't know, Ana. Well, I am not against him, only that it looks strange to me".
"Abida, this is my life and I do as I want to", I say with a smile, but with strict words.
"As I said, I have nothing against it. I only want to make sure that you like him the way he is".
"Yes, I do. I like him as he is".
"Well, you are a puzzling enigma that I never managed to understand. I think it is better this way", she says.
"I am", I answer. "Life made me be like this".
"I know", she says, taking another puff and looking away, just like thinking of all I've been through.
"What do our parents say about him?" I ask her.
"Well, you should know that they don't agree with his feminine side, but they accept him".
Well, the train is coming and she gets out to the platform. I signal nearby stations and give the signal for the train to go. I know Abida well. She is up to something. I know when she hides something. Cemis is different. She cannot keep a secret for long and is far more expressive. Sure Abida is up to something. She went here last evening and had a private talk with Alia - Atan. I don't know what. He said it was nothing important, but I doubt.
Then, I go back to home and I try to read on my laptop something about transgender people. I read about men wearing women clothes, especially pantyhose. I read about fetishes. As doing so, I look at my feet. Encased with two layers of black opaque tights, my feet are protected from the cold. There are so many articles! There are many guys doing this.
As far as I can see, there are many degrees of transformation for a transgender. Some prefer to remain as they are, only that they wear female underwear, hidden. Majority seem to be heterosexual. I read about a guy that wears 6 pairs of pantyhose. Wow! That is a tough one! I do wear two, even 3 pairs in cold winters, once I tried even 4, but 6? This is insane! Well, if he likes it, may he be happy! I have nothing against it.
A completely different thing is about gay people. Cross-dressing is common among them. At least, this is what I can see. I knew two gay students at the University and I used to talk with them. Since I am a sfenist, so I also belong to a sexual minority, I wanted to understand. As far as I could get, it looks that usually one acts as a male and one as a female. The 'male' penetrates the 'female', while the 'female' usually masturbates. People think gay people have oral or anal sex. It is true, but my friends preferred to do it in another way. One kept his feet close, while the other one moved his 'organ' between the other one's feet. This is the way they usually did it. And of course, mutual masturbation. Well, they seem to enjoy cross-dressing during their love adventures. But cross-dressing is not mandatory linked with homosexuality, as I clearly see now on my laptop.
Well, there are many other things to take into consideration. But still I am just at the beginning. All I want is to make Alia - Atan to be happy. It is becoming the purpose of my life. All I do is for this reason. I study what is to be a transgender, only to help him.
Noon comes and my parents arrive, as in every day. We talk a bit about our trip Beyond The Sea, in the Civilized World. They are amazed of the way I describe that place, the overcrowded minibus service and the attack by Gipsy people. My dad says, fully surprised: "If they were here, their heads would have long been sliced from their bodies". Then, I tell them about his parents, mainly about the way they forced him to return, because I learned him to smoke!
"Is there anything bad in smoking?" asks my dad surprised.
"No", I answer, while lighting a cigarette. "But there is something bad with his parents. And as far as I understand, this is how many parents behave there".
Then, I confess them about the many times I've seen with the eyes of my mind, his parents, kneeled in front of an icon, with an open book in front of them, praying from that book. I hear them crying over and over and over. I even open my laptop, go to his mail address and show the messages from them. They cry and beg him to return. They think I am a witch and use the power of Satan against him. They write endless messages, begging him to return home and leave this sinful place.
"How does he act when he see the messages?" asks my mother.
"He simply cannot read them. He suffers and asks me to delete them", I say.
"His parents love him, Small Wonder", she says, while lighting a cigarette. "But I really don't know what to do".
"How I wish for a solution to all this", I say. He cannot return there and I love him. But his parents will not stop crying until he returns. I feel them! Even now! They have hours in each day, when they prey and cry".
Saying this, I start to cry. "Why do things have to be like this? Is there no other way? Is there nothing I can do? I feel so sorry for them and even at midnight I hear them praying!"
I light a cigarette to temper me down, but it is useless. I open one message and translate it for them:
We went to a monastery up in the mountains and prayed all night for you. We cried all night. An old priest came to us and we told him everything. He started to cry too, looking at our red eyes. He cried with us, when he seen the tears in our eyes. We paid them to pray for you. What evil witchcraft is behind you? What is wrong with you? You are the light of our eyes, the sunrise of our night. Don't let us die alone! Just return and leave that witch behind you! Come back while you still are alive!
My mother drops a tear from an eye.
"This makes my soul a twisted mass of pain", I say to my parents.
"Small Wonder, you know, in past", says my dad, "parents had the right to sell their children. And many sold their children to Beyond The Sands, to buy gunpowder, to defend our homeland. But it was you who told us about a foreign traveler who witnessed this. And you know what he said".
"That it was so much crying, that the mountains almost started to melt", I say.
"Being a parent is more suffering then everything", continues my dad. "
"Those parents have a strong authority", says my mom.
"He is more a sfenist because of his parents, then because of he was raped by a gay", I say. "His parents love him, but they destroyed him too. And they forced him to meet a girl and have sex with her, even if they knew he was a sfenist".
"How sad it can be, there is nothing you can do, Small Wander", says my dad.
We finish smoking and put what remained from our cigarettes in my ashtray.
"Small Wonder! There might be one way", says my mom. "If you write to his parents. At every a few days, write them! Tell them about your daily life! This way, they will know that he is fine. Tell them that he will get citizenship and about your formal marriage. Tell them what you are doing, but not about smoking, about how he dresses like a woman or things like that. Even if they will reject you and will cry first, they will read. They will at least know he is ok. And in time, maybe in a few years, they will accept the situation".
"Thank you!" I answer.
My parents go. I remain in face of the laptop, thinking about what to do. How to write to those people? It takes me hours to think about. I try over and over to write something. I don't know how much time it takes. I smoked four cigarettes, still thinking. Then, I got it! Somehow, I get the idea. I write it and send it immediately, before reading it.
We are fine, in the mountains. It is cold and a bit windy. He suffers too much reading your messages and cannot respond. I make cookies and wait him to return from the mine. We are fine and we are both healthy. My parents will come tomorrow to visit us. Here, will be Christmas soon.
Nicotiana
I immediately close the laptop, light a cigarette and go to the kitchen, to make some cookies. I don't want to lie them. Anyway, it is something that makes me pleasure to do.
The evening train goes up to the mine. Abida goes down from the train, carrying two bags. She gives one bag to the train engineer and goes home with the other bag. She doesn't want me to know what is this about. Well, I simply don't ask. It is her life. I have no idea what she is up to.
Then, the train returns, carrying Alia - Atan and the workers from the mine. He jumps out of the train, carrying the bag Abida gave to the engineer. We go to the house, where I prepared the clothes for him, to become a woman. He enters with me and opens the bag. There are two packages inside.
"I have a surprise for you", he says. "Something I think you will like".
"What does this have to do with Abida?" I asked him.
"Women are better when looking at details", he says. "I asked her to help. This is my present for you, for the Christmas".
"Wow!" I say. "This is how people do where you come from? Bring presents?"
"Yes", he says. "They bring presents to each other and put them at the root of a tree. And to make us both feel happy, I got the same thing for you and for me".
I can see written with a green marker on my package, my name: Nicotiana. I open it and he slowly opens his. Inside, I find a pair of green thigh boots. And he has exactly the same thing.
"This is amazing", I say. "And they are completely green!"
I remember. A few days ago, we were watching a movie on my laptop. There was a woman wearing thigh boots and she used to keep her pistol in one. He asked me if I like them and I said I only wear shoes and booties. I also said that I would like to wear some, but only if they were green. And here I have. Well, I never worn something higher then booties and usually I don't understand why women do wear boots. But, as a gift from him (and even more, a green gift from him), I like it. I like it to madness. They are smooth, soft and laced on the back.
We both change. I am now in a black sweater with a black knee-long skirt and with these green thigh boots. As I look, my feet are hidden completely. The boots end somewhere below the skirt. He has a yellow sweater with a yellow knee-long dress, with green thigh boots. There is no way to see his pantyhose now.
"Now you cannot see my tights", I say, as I light a cigarette.
"Yes, I cannot see, but I know they are out there", he answers.
"I never worn boots in my life", I say again.
"Everything has a first. I am happy if I managed to make you happy".
"You did make me happy", I say, while allowing him to see my pantyhose through the laces on the back.
Well, we stay and watch a movie on my laptop. But we are more watching our boots then the movie. And we keep on smoking, until there is no more air in the room. I know all my things smell as cigarette smoke, but I don't bother. After all, in a few days I will be officially named Nicotiana.
We wait until the night train goes up to the mine. At 3 AM, it will return loaded with coal. We both go to the station. And we both take a green winter coat on top of our clothes. I just cannot stop to admire how we look. How identical! Are we tweens and I don't know? We both have green hair, a green coat and green thigh boots. The rest is invisible to all of us. He still looks at my feet as we both light a cigarette.
"What do you say about our feet now?" I ask him, blowing smoke in him.
"It is like a planet is hidden behind a nebula or a cloud of asteroids", he says.
I take another drag of smoke and listen.
"I know there are two layers of pantyhose, but hidden for everyone to know. It is like there is a planet with its atmosphere, with all what it needs. It might be habitable. It might even have life. But it is hidden. Nobody knows about its existence. No spacecraft ever managed to get that far and will not do".
"Only that there are two sister planets and nobody knows about them", I whisper.
"I always loved to see the hidden layer of pantyhose emerging from boots, when women sit and rise their skirts a bit".
I rise my coat and my skirt a bit, just until my fingers feel the end of the boot. I feel the delicate texture of my tights covering my feet. I rise it a bit more, so that he can see it either.
"I like to move my toes in these boots", I say. "To feel the layers surrounding them".
"While they are so deep hidden", he says, moving his feet gently and looking at them.
We sit on the bench and I gently touch his boot with mine. I feel the touch, but it is a long way to his toes.
"I never worn boots in my life, either", he says. "Now, I do it for you".
"I also do it for you. May you be happy!"
Again, I try to touch his toes.
"There is no way anything will pass through all these layers and the boots", he says.
"Oh yes, there is", I say as I light a cigarette. "This one will get to you beneath your skin".
I fill my lungs with smoke, then I blow it towards him. And then, I take another drag and blow it to his body. He takes a smoke and leans. Then, he blows the smoke over my boots.
The train passes, but I notice something. The engineer looks a bit unusual. Is he drunk? Well, I don't know certainly. If he is, then there will be a big problem. We return to the house and go to sleep. We just go in these clothes. I am used to sleep in day clothes, because of the 3 AM train. Alia also goes to bed in day woman clothes. We go to sleep fast. This is a routine for us now.
At morning, the radio beeps its warning. The train is coming. It is very cold in the room. I wake up, when it beeps again. Oh no! It is the danger message: DRUNK! The train is controlled by a drunk engineer! Oh, this is the worst of worst. Alia - Atan wakes. I whisper:
"We have a bad situation, the engineer is drunk!"
"Oh no! What should we do?" he asks.
"Let's see how bad it is", I say.
We turn up the light. I light a cigarette, looking for my boots. He also takes his and lights a cigarette. He then takes my boots and blows smoke in them.
"Why did you do that?" I ask him.
"Don't know. Just I felt this will make you happy".
I take a deep inhale and blow smoke into his boots. We put them on.
"Let's go", I say as we go to the station.
It is very cold. Probably it is below -30 C. I find hard to breath. I enter the building and turn the light on. We fast check the switches. Ok, it all looks well. In the cold silence, we hear the train. It should appear soon and stop here, as always. I can see the lights. But it is not stopping! It is driving with 20 km/h and not stopping. Oh no!
The train appears and makes no attempt to stop. We both make desperate signs with our hands. Finally, when almost passed away from the station, it stops. Like always, it also carries a passenger wagon, at the tail.
"I'll go to the engineer, to see what is going on", says Alia.
"Ok! Scream to me if it's ok".
I enter the station and radio-contact upstream and downstream stations. Those upstream now can breath happily that all is ok. For downstream, worse is to come. Will it collide with the morning passenger train? Will it pass through a station and break something? It happened many times.
"It's Sword!" screams Alia - Atan. "He is drunk!"
He reached the engine.
"Let the train go!" I scream as loud as I can.
But no! The train goes in reverse! What is going on? The train is in reverse! And it comes back to where I stand. Alia is walking and keeps an eye on the engine, telling the engineer to go downstream. What is going on? I hear him shouting. It all continues until the engine is near me. I can see. It's Sword! He is a Muslim. Well, Muslims usually don't drink, but when they do, they drink as much as 10 non-Muslims. What a nightmare!
"Ana, you forgot your shadow!" he says with the voice of an alcoholic.
"Get going, Sword! You're late!" I scream to him.
"Which one is the shadow?" he asks, looking at both of us.
"There is no shadow", says Alia.
Oh mine, he is drunk! I bet he cannot walk. What do we do now?
"Ana, you are pretty", he says, "but do you have some.. you know..."
"Get the train going, infidel!" shouts Alia at him.
"I just need a... you know what", he says again. "Only a... once you pretty..."
He opens the door and wants to get out of the train. somehow he manages to move. But when he is out, he instantly falls on the ice.
"Too drunk to walk!" says Alia to me.
"What do we do?" I ask him.
Alia takes his cigarette and touches Sword's hand with the fire. Sword only moves a bit his hand, not making any noise. In this time, two men come from the back wagon. But they also look drunk! Well, at least they can walk.
"Get him back in the engine", says Alia.
They look so shocked at Alia.
"Do as he says", I scream to them.
"Him?" they ask. "Ana, you mean this is... Atan?"
"Yes, idiots! What do you think?" I scream to them.
"Hurry!" says Alia. "We are late".
We manage to get Sword back inside the engine. Alia tells the two men to stay with Sword and watch him, keep him awake somehow. The train starts moving again. But this time, it is too fast. Oh no! The missing bridge! But now there is nothing I can do. There was once a bridge, that collapsed. The miners replaced it with two tree trunks and laid the sleepers and the rails above them. As for now, it resisted, but we have a speed restriction of 5 km/h there. The train is running with 20!
I go to the radio and signal the downstream station, repeating 3 times the emergency message: DRUNK! I also inform the upstream station that the line is clear.
The train is about 20 minutes late. We stay at the station and light another cigarette. It is like our lungs beat as one, as the smoke unites us. We tend to move our hands and breath in the same way. We wait. Usually, it takes about 10 minutes for a train to pass between stations, but this time it takes far longer. Did the bridge collapse? Finally, in 20 minutes I hear the radio signal.
Well, we go to bed. But it doesn't last long. The morning train, that goes to the mine, is coming. Alia - Atan is free today, but oh no! The radio beeps again the dangerous word: DRUNK. We go back to the railway station. The train arrives too early, with 5 minutes ahead of schedule. Some people run to catch it. The engineer is drunk too. He doesn't wait for my signal and starts going upstream. People that lost the train, now shout to the drunk engineer:
"I won't get paid for today! I'll kill you!"
Even one of them comes to me and says:
"Ana, tell that infidel to turn the train back and pick me to work!"
Well, the train doesn't return. And the people that came here go back home. There is no other way to reach the mine. They look so shocked at Alia and at me!
"What's going on?" asks one.
"Nothing", says Alia - Atan. "I am free today and I came to help Nicotiana".
"I think this guy is possessed by her shadow", mumbles someone.
"I think both should be killed", mumbles another one.
They make so open eyes! Well, for Alia, the movements were so natural, it is like he loves to behave as a woman. Well, we light another cigarette, as we go home.
As the train returns from the mine, the same engineer is in charge. Only that this time he is even more drunk. He even has a bottle in one hand! As I see this, I remember Alia - Atan's parents and how they associate me with Satan. Well, what that infidel has right now in his hand, that is Satan's blood. Alcohol. The father of all sins.
"I just hope people from the stations are not drunk too", I say with a big smile. "If not, we will be on the news... again, like last year!"
"All this is insane!" says Alia to me, as the train departs.
"No, it is not insane", I say. "This is what happens every year at this particular day. And you know what day is now?"
"I don't know, Nicotiana. But it all looks so strange to me".
"It is now", I say with a big smile. "Happy Christmas, Alia! The hardest day to work on the railway".
We are never alone. Even if nobody is around you, still you have your shadow. It will always listen to you and it will always be with you. The shadow is what is left from the Altar, the primordial energy, inside each one of us. When you are talking to yourself or an imaginary character, in fact you talk to your shadow. And if you are patient enough, you can hear its answers.
Legend Of The Shadow
Outside, it must be -30 C. It is a foggy day. Trains cannot see too far. In the house, we feed the fire with everything: wood, coal. The stove is overheated, but all is useless. Even in the house, steam comes out of our mouths. In the railway station, it is a lost fight. Temperature fallen below freezing and we just let it this way. Only a little fire we keep burning, so that we can stay inside if a train is coming.
We move to the kitchen, where everything is cold. Some hot milk should be good now... but the milk just got partially frozen in the plastic bottle! We light the fire there. Maybe a fast tea should be good. Once we make it, we go back to the house.
I jump to the stove and take it in my arms, while Alia sits on the bed, watching me.
"I've never seen such cold weather", he says.
"I have all the clothes on me and I still freeze!"
"There is nothing we can do", he says. "We must survive. There is no way this weather will keep on forever. It must get warmer at some point".
I try to light a cigarette, but my hands are shaking. Alia - Atan comes and helps me.
"I am too frozen to open the pack!" I say.
He takes two cigarettes and puts one in my mouth and one in his. Then, he helps me light it. I breath the smoke in, keeping the cigarette between my lips. Then, I just breath normally, on my nose. With every breath, a small cloud of smoke gets out through my nostrils. I inhale again, but this time it is a bit better. The hot strove is making me recover from the cold weather outside. If there is something I don't like, it's cold weather. Dead freezing cold weather. Some ash falls on my clothes, but I really don't care. I take another drag of smoke, this time better, with an exhale through my nostrils.
"What should we do?" I ask. "I took all clothes on me, but still I am freezing. How do you cope with this extreme cold?"
"Once I was in a house, in winter, with no wood for fire. And I survived sleeping in there".
"How on Earth?" Then, I remember! A few days ago, when Alia - Atan was at work, I opened the laptop and searched about men wearing pantyhose and pantyhose fetish. I seen a guy wearing 6 layers of pantyhose! Well, that could be a solution. "Don't tell me you worn 6 layers of pantyhose on you!"
"You cannot wear 6 layers for long", he says. "But you can manage with 4".
"So, you tried to wear 6 layers?"
"Yes, I did. You can, but it is impossible to sleep with them. They will pressure your toes, no matter what you try. And if you wear them by day, they will tend to move down".
"This is how you survived that winter night?" I ask him.
I use to layer pantyhose or tights. This way, I can wear skirts in winter. You just need to be careful. The bottom layer must be opaque. If not, you will see something like waves on your feet. And that is not nice. The best way to layer is with black tights.
"I worn a few layers on my feet, but also some on my hands and chest", he answers.
"How did you do that?"
"Well, you need to make a hole in the fabric, between the feet. That's where your head will be. The hose will cover your hands and your chest. If they are long enough, they can get to your belly".
"Is that an invention of yours?" I ask him with a smile.
"No, Nicotiana. It is not my invention. Let me open the laptop".
He opens my laptop and goes to YouTube. There, he types 'pantyhose top' and immediately I see it. So simple! Well, that is not something hard to do. So, I take some ripped tights and pantyhose. I cut the place where toes once were and I make a hole between the feet, to make a hole for the head. We take some of the clothes off, so that we can wear them on the skin. I put on two pairs and he puts two pairs too. And for our feet, we add two pairs of tights for each one. Now, we have four layers covering our feet. We put on the other clothes, including sweaters and winter coats, as well as our green thigh boots.
It is interesting to feel this. Well, it is not quite comfortable. It is not pleasant the feeling on my neck and on the hands I feel how they keep on moving up. They don't stay as should do. What really is amazing, is that you really feel worm. It is just amazing how much body heat they can trap around you.
"How is it?" asks Alia.
"It is incredibly warm", I say. "Your strange fetish saved the day! Really, I never imagined that pantyhose can be used to keep the upper part of your body warm! Well, it is not comfortable, but it works. Just like the feet. With four layers, I cannot move as I used to".
"I know", he says.
"Have you long been practicing this, Alia?"
"Well, when I was a kid, I tried to layer many pairs".
"How many?"
"As many as I had. But at some point I stopped. I did this only in cold winters".
"Do you like it?"
"I like the firm strength on my feet. The pressure, when I touch them with my hands. Do you like layering more pairs once?"
"Well, only when it's cold. I like the new color combinations I get. For example, if you wear fishnets over pantyhose, your legs will look much better".
"Nicotiana, I always worn them hidden or in dim light. Never had enough time to admire my feet. Sine we are together, it is the first time I exposed my feet in public. For this, I must thank you".
"And I must thank you for learning me how to make a top from pantyhose. I never imagined this to be possible".
As we speak, I hear a train coming. The radio did not beep? What is going on? We go to the station immediately, to see what is going on. It is true that from our station, starts an industrial branch line, about 9 km long. It leads to a remote coal mine, but trains on that line are rare. It is a surface mine, a quarry in fact. Coal is mined there only in autumn, to make a reserve for winter. Well, this train comes from somewhere else. And it is out of schedule. What is going on? As it approaches, the train keeps on beeping, warning of its presence.
We reach the station just after the train arrives. It is a mix, passenger-cargo train. But it shouldn't be here! The driver is Amir and he doesn't look drunk. There are almost no passengers in and he is heading to the mine.
"What's up?", I ask him. "You should arrive about 40 minutes later".
"That is what Arnold told me, to hurry, to bring these empty wagons to the mine", says Amir.
"Was he drunk?" I ask.
"As a pig! As a pig, Ana! But, he is the boss here. You know we have to listen".
"Just let me radio signal upstream and downstream stations", I say.
"No need to tell downstream station, Ana. Hans is dead-drunk! He was moving in four feet... trying to get inside the station. I just left him there and came to you".
How I hate drunk people! I signal the train to go upstream. Oh mine! Now, if a train comes from downstream and there is nobody awake at Almathea, that train will pass forward. If Amir is returning, what will happen? Just hope the engineer will not be drunk too! Well, this happens in every year at the same date... and in every year something must happen. An year ago, two trains collided. Two years ago, a train ran over the end of the line. Three years ago, a train derailed. And all happens in this particular day.
We watch the train going upstream, then return to the house.
We both light a cigarette.
"Christmas is the celebration", I say. "It is the birth of god Jesus. So, people should go to church and pray. I don't know why they drink so much in this day! Well, I know, but at some point this is too much".
"Nicotiana, tomorrow it will be all gone. And we will have our papers. Just think about that! Resist one day. Tomorrow all will be back to normal".
"I know. But the worse is yet to come. Wait for the evening train, Alia!"
"I've never seen drunk people on the railway. Just hope airplane pilots stay sober enough this day!"
"Well, everything is with a purpose. The real reason why people drink this much today, is because they are told to, on TV. And this is with a certain purpose. Today is the day when much illegal things are done. In fact, it was the only way to make our papers. Since everyone is drunk and busy with other staff, nobody is paying attention to a state employee, bribed to make some papers".
"I understand now..." says Alia, with big eyes.
"This is how things work here", I continue to say. "You see things like the shadows on a wall, but you must realize what really is causing the shadows".
"Still it is much better then in the place where I was born", he says.
We stay a bit, then I take two cigarettes and we smoke again.
"When the miners will come home", I say, "they will be drunk for sure, like everyone this day. Well, I don't know for them, but this is the day when husbands, drunk, beat their wives and children. This is the day when many horrible things happen".
***************************************
Well, the train comes, but it is almost empty. And the day has passed. This extreme cold might have prevented many people from coming and going around, even my parents. They remained home today. Now, the sky is dark. Tomorrow we will find out what happened on the railways and in the village.
After five days, when Alia - Atan is free again, we go to the city, for our papers. Our long dream has come true. Now, we have a new identity. We give the state employee the remaining 500 $ from his bribery. From now, I am officially named Nicotiana Ana and he is Alia Atan. We see our marriage certificate, our regional passports and a few other papers. All is done, with our fake signatures on each document. All is made as it should be.
From this point, a chapter of our lives has ended. A new chapter and a new life waits us.
END OF PART 1
About real love: Love is the foundation of the Universe. In every plant, in every animal, in every bird, insect, fish or even worm, you can see the smooth fabric of love. Even in rocks, in water, in stars and in air, love has pierced its roots. We are made of love and we should spread this love around us.
Real love must not be confused with sensual love, which is only the result of our flesh and nothing more.
The Book Before The Earth
My name is Nicotiana Ana and I live in the mountains at the end of the world. This is the land of legends and myths, the land between the sword and the rainbow. Not many people dare to go this deep, but one did. He is Alia Atan, my husband (as our papers say). We are sfenists, a very rare sexual minority. We have passed through fire and ice and now we have rebuilt our lives, with this new identity. I work on the railway and he works at the mine, as a Geological expert. I never imagined that one day I will meet another sfenist and have a chance to live a happy life. What is the foundation of a sfenist relation? Love. But not the carnal love found in any classic couple. It is the most pure form of love, combined with a strong affection and the will to imitate each other. Passion exists, but in complete different way. We, sfenists, look and don't touch. We love but don't make love. It is like the difference between sexy and porn, between desire and fulfillment or between a burning cigarette and an incendiary. There is something inside us, that creates a very strong attraction force, but forbids us from colliding together. We are like a binary planet, two planets orbiting together one around the other, locked forever in this cosmic dance, but never touching each other. A natural equilibrium that formed from itself and will remain forever. Stars will become red giants and will explode, but we will remain as before.
I chosen my name as Nicotiana Ana and I obtain this name with the help of bribery. Yes, I am a convinced smoker and I started smoking at 6. Since that time, it influenced completely my life. I survived in harsh time by producing and selling contraband cigarettes and I convinced over 100 people to start smoking. In my native language, aana actually means 'pocket fire' (lighter or match). I can say that my brother is Nicotiana tabacum, the plant that I smoke and my sister is Nicotiana nana, a beautiful flower. If you come to me, beware! You will start smoking, no matter how much you fight against it. I definitely am a woman that has just passed over 20, but many people say that I have the soul of a man... and the eyes of a wounded dog. About my (official) husband, with the same expensive bribery, he changed his name into Alia Atan. Somehow, there are two persons living in the same body, or more precisely, a single soul with two faces. When he is alone or surrounded by other people, he is Atan, a man. But when he is with me, he becomes Alia, the woman. He is a transgender that returns to his real male status when he wishes, even if he has the soul of a woman.
What does the word sfenist actually mean in my language? It means untouchable. And really that is. But, slowly, we get to touch one each other. I know this will not get too far, at least not as far as in a classic relation. The two planets will approach a bit, maybe even more, but will never collide.
What made us sfenists? Nobody is born as a sfenist. It takes something extremely violent to occur in your life, to transform you beyond recovery. And usually, that something is a sexual abuse. After this, some people cannot return to what they were. For me, it took years to be able to live a normal life, but it will be impossible to have a classic relationship with a guy, ever. However, after that, I was no longer the former me. I was no longer a cute shy girl playing with dolls and trying to look pretty. I became a wild animal. It was my growing hate for men that prevented me from becoming a transgender. But for Alia - Atan, things were different. The fact that he was abused by a man, a gay, probably made him come closer to his feminine side and develop a strong pantyhose addiction. Even as Atan, he wears pantyhose candid. To make him happy, I wear them too, all time.
We meet at the end of the autumn. Then, in winter, we made our marriage papers, without any celebration. It was vital for him, to get citizenship here. Now, we are at the beginning of spring. Our love story continues and will keep on going to the end of our lives and even beyond that.
**********************************************************
I am in the railway station, waiting for the evening train to return from the mine. Alia - Atan will return soon. I have everything prepared, like always. The food is ready on plates, the clothes for him, all what he needs. I sit inside the station, while a few people stay outside and wait the train. I am smoking, but the cigarette will be finished soon. Outside, the sky is part cloudy, part clear. The huge mountains rise their white tops towards the sky. Snow is melting around. I hear the train approaching, as it trembles on the old, unrepaired rails. An engine carries 3 rusted wagons. This train is our only connection to the outer world.
He jumps out of the train. I signal nearby stations that the train arrive and will continue its route, then I signal the train to go downstream. We cross the bridge that separates the station and our house. I invite him to the house, to change from Atan into Alia. Then, we go to the kitchen, where we eat the food that I placed on the table in time. This is a routine that we do since we are together. The train schedule is what forces people here to have a schedule in their lives. As it is a sign of respect, we don't speak until we finish eating. Then, we go to the house.
He, as Alia, is dressed with a yellow knee-long dress with long sleeves, with a polychrome woman shirt beneath. To make the dress look as worn by a woman, he has a bra filled with ripped parts of old clothes, sewed on the inside. He wears demi-opaque pantyhose, with a shiny light brown color. He has white plastic open-toe sandals, to wear when he leaves the house. I am dressed in a black and white knee-long dress, with a pink sweater wit ha zipper. I also wear pink pantyhose that match the sweater and green open-toe sandals, to wear outside. We both have our hair made in a color between green and yellow and with the same length: nearly touching our shoulders. We just add a lipstick and if anyone would enter the room, will think that we are both women. The only thing that betrays Atan is now his masculine bass voice. Everything else looks like if he really is a woman.
"I have a new game", I say. "Can you smoke a cigarette to the end without putting it out of your mouth and without touching it with your hands?"
"Could try, Nicotiana", he says.
"That should be fun!" I say, taking two handmade cigarettes from my pack.
"This will make us two thermal plants or two volcanoes", he says.
"Here goes, Alia! A pretty girl must use the glamour of smoking to its maximum power".
We both put a cigarette in our mouths and light it. We are not allowed to touch it. Both cigarettes become bright and then dim. Smoke gets out through our nostrils, in small, repeated waves. Ash accumulates slowly. He moves closer to the ashtray, waiting and gently moving his head, hoping to somehow make the ash fall. I simply get closer to the stove and sit on the floor, with my head placed in such a way that the ash will fall on the floor. He comes near me. Smoke continues to get out through our nostrils at every breath.
This is a completely different experience then classic smoking. When you inhale, the air you need to push smoke deep inside you, comes through your nose, only the smoke gets through your mouth. The aroma lasts more in your mouth. And when you exhale, since all the smoke gets through your nostrils, you feel it more. You cannot exhale completely and you cannot take a deep drag. At every breath, you will try to inhale small amounts of smoke and exhale it. So, there is always some smoke inside you.
We keep on doing this, until all that remains is the filter and nothing more. The small room gets a dizzy haze of smoke inside.
"That was very interesting", he says, taking the filter out of his mouth.
"It is the first time I do this with someone", I say, looking at the used filter.
He takes his filter close to mine. Both are brown on the interior and both show traces of lipstick on the exterior.
"I think they look the same", I say, with a smile.
"As you said once. Two lungs beat as one. Here, two filters beat as one, only that heir lifetime has ended".
"That was their purpose", I say.
"Amazing how many things you can do with a cigarette. No surprise that you are Nicotiana".
As he speaks, his mouth has a smell of smoke. Just as mine. I like that smell. It is like a part of me has moved inside him.
"Alia, do you remember how strong willed were you against smoking?" I ask without smiling.
"Yes, I do", he says. "And I remember how you tried to kill me if I would not start".
"How do you feel about it now?"
"The only thing I regret is that I didn't start before. I never imagined that there can be a pleasure in this. I thought it only is a horrible addiction that will only lead to my death. Now, I see everything is different".
"That is what people told you, in the world you lived before", I say with mild words. "But tell me, honestly, Alia: Is drinking better or worse then smoking?"
"Honestly, Nicotiana, I've seen many alcoholics in my life. They tend to ruin their lives. Families abandon them, then they sell everything for alcohol. Basically, they end-up working only to drink their money. Usually, they live with their parents or with a very good husband or wife, that feeds them and manages the house for them. But when they are left alone, they quickly leave their homes unrepaired or sell them for alcohol. I've seen them sleeping on the streets in large cities, in ruined homes in rural areas and many times in trash bins. They beg for mercy on the streets and are parasites for the society".
"Very true", I answer him. "I've seen thousands of families broken because of alcohol. But have you seen a single family destroyed because of smoking?"
"To be honest, yes", he answers me. "I've seen a girl. Her parents removed her from her boyfriend because he was smoking. And then forced her to marry someone else. In the end, the girl went suicide. And not to mention our case. My parents are strongly against you because you smoke".
This makes me say nothing, but I instinctively light another cigarette. I remember the pain I've seen in his parents. And even if months have passed, I still see them with the eyes of my heart. They kneel in front of an icon every day and cry... and cry... and pray with an opened religious book in front of them. They do this every day, crying over and over and over. The only thing they want is Alia - Atan back to them. They want me away from him. And why? Because I smoke, because I am from a dangerous place of the world and because I am poorer then him. And because of my religion, maybe. As my parents advised me, at a few days, when I am alone, I send them a message about us. I tell them that he is fine or no (he was sick at a point), about how I am, about the weather here and other things in our lives. Well, I don't tell them about his feminine side, of course. I usually try to avoid reading their messages, but sometimes I do. And nothing has changed. Just a few days ago, they answered me with this phrase:
Just drop dead, you infamous bitch! You took the light of our eyes away from us! You took an innocent man, daughter of the devil. Not even all the fires of hell are enough for your sins. Just for how long are you going to pour venom into his blood? Couldn't you take a rat or a shit from the toilette or something at your level to marry? Why do you do this to us? Just die! Die and never ever dare to say any word! At some point your witchcraft will fall and all the demons you serve will come and take your soul. You know it well and there is no way out! Just jump into an abandoned fountain or hang up yourself, if you still have some humanity inside you. May you be eaten by worms alive!
Even so, I still send them messages, without telling him anything.
"Is there anything wrong, Nicotiana?" he asks me.
"No, there is no problem", I say.
"I don't think so. There is something inside you and I feel it".
Should I tell him? Maybe no. They are his parents and I know how much he loves them. Just as much as they love him. But, he is the closest thing I have. So, let's try.
"Nothing. Just that I remembered your parents".
"Ah, that is it", he says, with a sober voice. "You know that there is nothing we can do about them".
"Don't you suffer for them?"
"I do. But there is nothing I can do. So, I try to forget that they even exist. But I just cannot do this. This is why I ask you to delete messages from them, so I won't see".
"I know. And I deleted them from time to time".
"I thought about changing my mail address, but if I do that, I will lost all contacts with them. I just hope that, just like in other cases, after some years, they will calm down and accept us as we are".
"I removed the messages, but I dared to read some of them", I say, as taking a final drag from my cigarette. "they keep on crying and asking you to return".
He takes a sad look at me, then says:
"Maybe I should try to answer them".
"I tried to send them messages, to tell them that we are ok".
"You did what?" he says, surprised.
"I tried to contact them. But all I get, is endless ugly words like drop dead, you, bitch and others".
"Why did you do that? Why did you send messages to them?"
"I thought that this will give them a sense of security, if they know we are ok. At least, they will know how you are".
"Nicotiana, thank you for thinking at my parents, after all they did to you. But still I cannot send them a message yet. I love them too much and this will break my heart. We passed the gates of never returning when we got the marriage certificate. There is no turning back now. I just need time, before I can send them a message back. Maybe a few months".
"No problem, Alia", I say, while taking two cigarettes, one for each of us. "Just let things happen on naturally. Now, are you ready for another smoking experiment?"
I change the subject to a smoking experiment, to take both of us out of this mood. This is like covering the wounds of his soul with a mask. The wounds are still there, but at least he will not scratch them, to make them wider.
"I have an idea", I say, giving his cigarette. "Will you smoke me?"
"Will I what?" he asks.
"Just do as I do!"
I take his hand, in fact his sleeve, which I pull a bit beyond his fingers. Then I take a deep inhale and take my mouth close to his sleeves. I blow the smoke inside, as it gets out through the fabric of his clothes. Then, he does the same with me. I feel the heat of his breath, then I see the smoke getting out. A small cloud makes its way to my breasts. We play this game for a bit. We blow smoke one in each other, even in ourselves. All takes a few minutes, until our cigarettes run out.
"I have another idea", he says, taking two cigarettes. "Just watch me".
Well, even if I am Nicotiana, I cannot smoke continuously. But for him, I will do it. What kind of game is he up to this time? He takes only one puff, then takes the cigarette below his feet. He slowly moves each foot, so that the smoke will impregnate in his pantyhose.
"You said smoke enters our feet from the inside", he says. "Now, it enters even from the outside".
Well, let me play his game. Why not? I try to do the same, to move my cigarette forward and backward, along my feet, so that the smoke tends to get to their surface. To make this more effective, we also take a few drags from time to time.
"This is something I've never tried", I say with a big smile.
"My invention. It is the result of a second of inspiration".
This is how it happens in every evening, when he comes home. And we talk, we talk over and over in every day. What do we talk? About everything. And if we don't talk, we just keep on looking one at each other. Each day, the reason of our existence seems to be this time, the evening, when we are together and spend some quality time. Our two fetishes, our two addictions, have reached an incredible level.
Many would say that this is insane, but this is the way we find most normal. I learned a lot of things from him, for example his huge passion for Astronomy. This is not a thing to do for a woman, but I like it, because it is his passion. When he is free, he does the best to help me at everything in the house. We cook together. And as the spring will come, we will be growing tobacco, to make cigarettes and sell them to Stromboli. The process is not easy. I do this in every year. Even more, I make seedlings and give them to people in the village. Then, in late summer, they bring me tobacco leaves and I buy them. It is a business that generates money. Of course Stromboli gets the largest income, but this is how business are done anywhere. Well, I've seen in civilized world, a pack of original cigarettes is 4 to 5 $, while here, you get 4 or 5 packs for a $.
I just can't wait for the spring, to start the work! How amazing should it be! We, together, working in agriculture, staying all day together! As soon as temperature rises enough, there is far less demand for coal and the mines almost close down. He will be free more time, until autumn.
**********************************************************
My official name is Alia Atan. I had once a life, that now is dead and abandoned. I grew-up at a border province of the Civilized World. I came to the mountains at the End Of The World for only one reason: to runaway from my parents. They do love me and the only reason for their existence is me. But, they love the idea of me, not the person that I am.
I am a sfenist, but my parents never understood this. Once, they tried to marry me. They forced me to have sex with a girl that I didn't want, forced me to get into an engagement... and wedding should happen a few months later. But I found out she was cheating me... And I managed to escape.
I will never forgive my parents for that.
On the other hand, since I came here and I am with Nicotiana, a woman that my parents really hate, their lives have become a nightmare. Every day, they cry for hours and pray to God that somehow I will return to them. I love them as much as they love me. But what can I do? That former life is gone for me. It is like the former me is dead, together with my former name that I had before coming here. I have memories from my childhood and as a teen age, but they are the memories of another person. The only real thing are my parents. There is no way to erase them from myself. I know there is no way to make peace with them, other then to die my life here and resurrect my previous life. But I know where that life will end. They will force me get a job there, get married against my will and... most of all... get rid of Nicotiana.
Do I love her? More then anything. Are we friends? Yes, the best friends that ever existed on this planet. Are we lovers? No.
My coworkers from the mine think she is a witch and twisted my mind. Something contributes to this more then all: the fact that I life a double life. When I am with her, I am Alia, a woman in the body of a man. I dress like a girl and behave like one. But when I am alone, I am Atan, a man. This double identity puzzles many people around. They are sure that Nicotiana made me act like this, but in fact it is my own will. Another thing that they immediately spotted, is that, even if we are so close, we live in chastity. They simply don't understand how this is possible... and most of all, the fact that this is our own wish.
These months, I've seen men beating their heads while looking at us, saying that this is impossible, but also real. I've seen women that cried while looking at us, seeing this as a perfect love story. The first time they've seen me dressed as a woman was the tip of the iceberg. Now, as they see us so bounded in this relation, but realize that there is almost only spiritual love, it is like a tsunami wave heating the mountains. I won't be surprised to see on day the trains derailing because of the shock wave.
About this place, it really is incredible. People are not savages, as one might expect. It is true that they are poor and don't have access to school, but they do have a completely different life psychology. In the Civilized World, people are more slaves then here. There, you cannot move anything, even a finger. Here, if someone attacks you, you have the right to fight back, even the right to kill. Yes, money has a different value. A worker's salary is between 50 and 130 $, but the life is far cheaper. People have small, low houses, much more easy to maintain. And people don't go to a supermarket to purchase what they need. They exchange everything between them and not for money. They exchange milk for bread, grains for cement, coal for dried tobacco, diesel fuel for clothes, everything for everything. Not even salaries are always paid in money. I got paid in diesel fuel once. What religion they have? This is a hard question. Muslims, Christians, Idolaters, anything. If there is a celebration, they will all go, no matter what religion they have. And all this happens so natural. Really amazing! I bet it is the only place in the world where you see this.
And about Nicotiana? She is really amazing. She is pretty enough to make many guys to get mad, but she is a sfenist. In many regards, in the house, she is the cock and I am the hen, a thing that many guys will never accept. But I do, because I always was dominated by my parents. They chosen for me what school to follow and where to work. And she is doing everything possible to make me happy. When I was engaged with that girl, I stopped wearing pantyhose, as I always do, but I told her how much I love that clothing item... and she never worn pantyhose, even in the coldest winters. When she did once, I wanted to touch her feet and she didn't allow me to do this. Nicotiana is far different. Since she discovered my fetish, she is always covering her feet with a layer of pantyhose and always wearing skirts or dresses. Only that I long dream of her letting me touch her feet. To hold them in my hands. Will that ever happen? Who knows?
Life here is linked to this railway. It is the artery of life for all people around. There is a road, suitable only for horse carriage or an SUV. Nothing else can pass through. People carry everything in these trains. For passengers, there are four pairs of trains every day, be them only with passenger wagons or mixed with cargo wagons: a pair at night, a pair in morning, a pair at noon and a pair at evening. Additional cargo trains travel when they are needed and often they have a wagon for passengers. Sometimes, however, people just travel on the diesel engine. Despite being so old, rusted and not repaired and despite the railway being so damaged, trains keep on going. When something happens, people come and help to repair. Many times, trees have fallen on the rails or the railway foundation got eroded. People step out of the train and do their best to repair it. If the engine or a wagon has problems, people immediately come and see if they can help. And in many cases, with the help of many amazing technical inventions, they make the trains keep going.
Her smoking addiction is far beyond anything I've seen. Really, no other person in this world has such a strong addiction to this. So many smoking techniques she knows. And we experiment them almost every day. I now share her fetish at a higher and higher degree. And she can change every conversation into something related to smoking.
For example, I once was talking with her about Astronomy. I told her about solar flares and corona mass ejections. She questioned me about other stars.
"Yes, every star has flares, smaller or larger. The small M - type dwarfs produce huge flares, that can make them bright even 100 times".
"That sounds good for me", she says. "I am a small star and I blow massive flares of smoke".
"Larger stars also have flares. Red giants and blue giants blow an entire nebula around them".
"Is there any star that does not smoke flares?"
"I guess no", I answer. "White dwarfs seem not to, but once in years or even millennia, they produce a nova, which is a gigantic flare. And neutron stars, they produce gamma ray bursts".
"Well, Alia, it looks like every star does smoke. So, we, humans, should smoke too".
"I think not only stars. Even planets lose some of their atmospheres. There are icy moons with volcanoes that blow matter into the cosmos. And about comets, you know very well how they behave".
"Even black holes and quasars blow something. So, it looks for me that the whole Universe is smoking".
"I guess you are right".
When it comes about smoking, she has it all. Multiple drags, soft exhales, everything. She always changes the technique. Sometimes she takes fast inhales, holding the smoke long enough. Other times, she takes a double drag. When she does this, she lets the smoke out not once, but twice. What I like the most is when she does not inhale all. When this happens, she lets a small cloud of smoke out of her mouth. Usually, this happens not intentioned. But there are cases when she makes a thin trail of smoke out of her mouth. Sometimes, she lets smoke out of her mouth and inhales it through her nose. She likes to blow smoke in me and her mouth always has a smell of smoke. At first, I didn't like it, but now I am addicted.
A few days ago, I came with another idea. I took a cigarette and moved it beneath my feet, so that the smoke will somehow get into the pantyhose fabric. She did the same. In the morning, when I woke-up to go to work and changed my clothes, I changed to some clean pantyhose. I took the old ones and smelled them. It was a complex smell, a mixture containing their natural smell, some sweat and the smell of smoke. It shocked me. I always loved the smell of pantyhose when you open them, but this one was so different, like nothing ever touched my nostrils.
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Such things simply cannot resist in a classic relationship. In any couple where is love, some sort of energy accumulates and creates a powerful charge, waiting to erupt. In a classic relation, some energy is discharged as sex occurs. In a platonic relation, things never reach such a level. Everything stops by mutual agreement before much energy can accumulate, to prevent a massive burst. Sfenist relations are far more different. Well, it all depends on the wounds that each one has. It is this energy, that might be called affection, that builds all and holds everything together.
However, for any sort of relationship to exist, between any kind of people, there is one essential rule: that love must exist. Not sensual love, which is the result of the hormones in our bodies, but the real, essential and pure love. Without it, nothing can ever exist.
Girls play with dolls, boys play with soldiers. Later, girls watch romance stories, while boys chose action movies. Soon, boys stick with boys and girls with girls. If you see a child acting different, it could be a sign that it is not 100% male or 100% female. All of us have a little drop of the opposite sex inside us, known as Animus (the man part of a woman) and Anima (the woman part of a man). Some will only have a desire to become the opposite sex (in their fantasies or only in their intimacy). Others will go further, to hidden cross-dressing. Finally, others will go further away, to use hormones, implants and finally the complete surgery to change their gender. There are many factors that influence the way this transformation happens and up to what level, but an experimented eye will see them in early childhood.
Quotes from documentary about transgender people
I am in the railway station, waiting the evening train to go upstream, to the mines. Then, it will return, bringing Alia - Atan back home. Spring has come and now the need for coal is far lower then before. As in all years miners get more free days during this time. Anyway, they need this, to work in in their gardens and fields. I am happy that he will be more time home. We have so many things to do. We must make tobacco seedlings, to spread them through the village. Then, when time will come, people will come to us to sell tobacco. And at that point we will sell the biggest part to Stromboli, while the rest we will use to make handmade cigarettes. This will take a lot of time.
It is not easy to make the seedlings. It takes patience. First, I needed to get to Jupiter and purchase a lot of plastic plates, then make the mixture of ground and cow manure. I plant the seeds and give them water as needed. They are all in the house, placed one on top of the other, in a complex multi-level structure. People come from time to time to take the seedlings. I used to give them for free. Now, since not all of them bring tobacco leaves to me, I sell them for the equivalent of a pack of cigarettes.
Now, I am in the railway station. I light a cigarette and take a deep inhale. How many happy lungs I've done? I've seen in the civilized world, a pack of cigarettes is sold with 5 $, while our contraband cigarettes are between 2 and 3 $. Here, you get 5 packs with 1 $. How many people don't have that money to buy original cigarettes? From here, I am feeding their addiction. May them all be happy! I am strongly convinced that I am doing a good thing.
The train arrives and a few people jump down from it. My attention falls on a fat man, which came with two bodyguards. He is Stromboli. In the civilized world, he would be considered as a mafia godfather, but here, he is a businessman who made a fortune from tobacco market. He directly comes to me. I signal the train to go, then come to him. He is different from other people. He has clean shoes, trousers of a good material and an ironed cotton shirt. He always wears a hat and spreads the smell of expensive perfume. His green-blue eyes always show pride and luxury. I signal the train to go, then invite him to the station.
"Greetings to the one and only!" I say. "I am honored by your presence".
"Ana, the precious jewelry of my crown", he says, with a smile.
"Everything ok?" I ask him, while taking another drag from my cigarette.
"The grass is flowing", he says (saying grass, he means tobacco products).
"The deviation in Land Of Dictators?" I ask about the coal train we placed a lot of cigarette boxes on it. "Was San Marino's?"
This will finally tell me if Stromboli actually wanted to destroy San Marino or not.
"Friend", he says. "The dogs barked too loud, so we cut their tails" (dogs are people working at the customs. So, this was a joint plan, to change or temper the custom officers, so they can smuggle more tobacco into the Civilized World).
"They should be castrated", I say (this means, take them out of their position, but not kill them).
"They castrated themselves", says Stromboli. "But the serpents awaken" (serpents are unwanted mafia factions).
"Who?" I ask.
He takes a cigarette and lights it, looking at the door to see if anyone can listen him.
"Sicily", he says (Sicily is a guy that operates in the Land Of Sands, but not with cigarettes. He works with drugs, human traffic and guns, things that neither me nor Stromboli will ever accept to work with. Stromboli only works with cigarettes, technology and clothes, on rare occasions with alcohol).
"We need to take their teeth out", I say (to take their power away).
"Legend of the lonely tree", he says. "Tell me when you see leaves and buds" (this legend speaks about a lonely tree that grew away from the forest. The fields were owned by a peasant who wanted the tree out, but hand no axe to cut it down. So, he removed all the leaves and all the buds from the tree. When new leaves and new buds grew, he removed them too. After some time, the tree became so weakened, that the peasant managed to break it and pull it out of the ground).
"I will".
"Ana", he says. "He has sanders. I might need a cave" (sanders are extremist warriors from the Land Of Sands. That is bad. And cave means shelter. So, Stromboli might need to hide something in these mountains. We can arrange this).
"I have a few caves", I say.
"Open eyes wide and look for lonely trees", says Stromboli. "If you see a flying leaf, tell the bird" (if you see any sign of Sicily here, tell me or my men immediately).
"I will. You know I can".
"Yes, my warrior princess. I know you", he says, then tries to kiss me.
But, I don't let him. I instantly move my head away and give him an angry look.
"I am married!" I answer him shortly.
"I heard", he says. "With a transgender, as I guess. But in your eyes, I see passion, not fulfillment. You are in love, but not making love".
"That is our business", I answer shortly.
"How many guys fought to get to you. And you... almost killed each one. You are the only person in these mountains that ever dared to attack me. Even today, I cannot forget the look of your eyes, You looked like a wounded soldier, trying to take me to hell with you".
"You were lucky that you survived", I answer with a smile.
"That childish face of yours... Who could have guessed you are able to kill me?"
"Now you know. So, just don't touch me. You know what will happen".
The radio starts beeping. The train is coming.
"I need to go, Ana", he says. "Open your eyes and tell the bird. And make no steps" (don't let anyone know what you are doing).
"I will".
"Sanders are hungry. Don't look like food", he says (Sicily's men are looking for blood, don't do anything that might draw their attention, they must know nothing).
"Jackals hide in the grass", I say (we watch hidden).
Then, Stromboli moves to the door. "Coke, Ferrari, the gifts", he says, as his bodyguards give him two small bags. He gives them to me, whispering at my ear: "Sicily wants brains and funny plants. Find his tracks, but leave no track. He will make you wooden" (Sicily wants to find trusted people and convince people to join him. As 'funny plants', he wants to plant weed or even something worse. Discover him, but don't let anyone see that you are working for me. If he finds out, he will kill you).
"Thanks for the gifts", I say.
"I just want to see the lucky guy that managed to do what my money and power could not", he says, as the train is approaching.
The train comes and stops. I signal nearby stations, then return to the platform and signal the train to go. Atan is on the platform and comes to hug me. But, before this, Stromboli gives him a pinch in the back.
"Lucky bastard! You've got the most gorgeous girl on this valley!" Stromboli says, as he climbs in the train.
"Who was that?" asks Atan.
"Stromboli", I answer, as we move to the house.
I tell him the whole story. He seems a bit scared, but I tell him that this happens every year. Ironically, it is businessmen that keep these mountains peaceful. Arnold wants the coal to reach the thermal plant. Stromboli wants the grass (cigarettes) to reach to the lungs. Tank wants his clothes to pass through. Rasputin wants to smuggle all his alcohol through our lands. They all want peace. But in the Land Of Sands, things are far more different. All their businessmen want war and keep the war alive, making everyone to suffer, only to keep their business going. People on TV see fights between different groups, but in fact, their leaders drink together on a round table. I know it very well. It is an artificial fight from which people suffer.
We eat and talk a bit about this. As Atan understands there is no real thread to us, we go to the house. We open the gifts from Stromboli. On the packs, it is written: 'This will make you remember to let no tracks behind you'. Inside, there are gloves. Long, soft gloves, that reach almost up to the shoulder. They are in four colors: black, red, green and pink. It is clear that Stromboli realized Alia - Atan is a transgender and gave him the same items he gave to me. This means one thing: that the rumors of a man with the soul of a woman, have reached very far. Now, everybody knows us.
We change clothes. Now, I wear a white and green knee-long skirt, with flowers on it. I have a white blouse with something written in red on it, with sleeves reaching to the elbow. I don't know why, I like clothes to reach close to my elbows and to my knees. This way, I show part of my skin, but not all. Sexy, not porn. I take the green gloves, which reach so high beyond my sleeves. Usually, I don't wear gloves even in winter, but since they are a gift, why not? My feet are covered with a double layer. I placed black opaque tights and above them I layered soft green demi-opaque pantyhose. Alia appears more feminine then me. It is said that pink is the color of girls. He has a white dress with red and pink flowers and a white blouse with some red on it. He took the pink gloves, which also vanish beneath the sleeves, tightly covering his arms. He also has black opaque tights and layered demi-opaque pink pantyhose over them. We also use a little make-up. He always tends to take make-up to extreme, a thing that I don't like. Girls like soft things, not strident colors. A soft pink lipstick will be just fine, with little contour of his eyes. Well, I work more, to make my lips green. We both wear a bra. I naturally have small breasts, his (fake) ones look larger then mine, but not with much.
There is something I long wanted to tell him, but I never dared to. However, today I open the laptop and show him, as we light a cigarette.
"I've done some research about transgender", I say. "As far as I see, there are men who transform themselves into women".
"Yes, I am one of them", he says, as letting a cloud of smoke out of his mouth.
"I've read articles about treatments with hormones, breast implants, fake breasts that can be glued on the skin, even surgery to change genitals".
"I know very well", he says", but that is not for me. I just want to look more feminine, without extreme measures. I don't want to go to surgery".
"I didn't say anything about surgery, I just wanted to talk with you about this".
"This is the way I like to feel", he says. "Clothes, pantyhose, painted hair and some make-up, this is enough for me".
"Very good, Alia, then", I continue.
"I know about body transformations, but it just is too much. Do you want to transform me?"
"No, if you don't like. If you feel happy the way you are, it is perfect for me", I answer with a smile.
"Anyway, it is too expensive", he says. "And once you do it, there is no way back".
As he talks, I type in Google search smoking shemale. Immediately, I find a video that I wanted to show him.
"This is what I found today", I said. "I found the word 'shemale' and tried to understand what this is. For the moment, I don't know what they are. Are they men who transformed into this? Or they are born this way?"
"This question I long had in my mind", he says. "They look feminine enough, but have a penis. I think most are men which made breast implants and dress like women. but there might also be some people born like this".
The video that uploads is about a shemale that is smoking, but also masturbating. She (or he) doesn't do it in a provocative way and is filmed from one side.
"There are many videos that are porn and I don't like at all. But I chosen this one to show you. It was surprising for me to see something like this. I mean, she is sexy, not porn. Well, what she is doing is not polite. But just look at her, she looks like a woman. I thought you will be interested in seeing this".
"I don't want to go that far", says Alia. "Not about what she is doing with her thing. I like being dressed like a woman, but having body transformations is not for me".
Alia takes another drag from his cigarette, then says:
"I never imagined you can watch something like this".
"I can watch", I say. "As long as it is not sex, I have no problem against. That is the critical point. Well, I must confess that I did watch the Camelboys. They are a group of men, doing workout in gym. I liked to see their muscles. And I liked that they were linked to Camel cigarettes. They were smoking all the time, doing complex exhales while working in the gym. I like to watch, but not touch".
"The same works for me", he says. "Well, I long watched women with pantyhose, both in real world and on YouTube. But I never liked when the video was turning into sex. I just watched their gorgeous feet and stopped at that point. But now, thanks to you, I also have a new fetish and like to watch also smoker women. Still, a woman without pantyhose has zero value for me".
"Alia, when you were a child, did you play with dolls or with men toys?" I ask him.
"Well, I played with both. When I was with boys around, I played their games, but when girls were around, I played with dolls. When I was alone (and I preferred to play alone), I played with both. But, as a boy, I had almost only boy toys, so I used them. However, all changed after I became a sfenist. After that point, I started to be less attracted to male maturity. I refused to shave, I refused to use men spray. I think my personality started to change at that point". He takes another drag of smoke, exhales and then looks into my eyes. He has the look of a person who confesses secrets that must not be known. "How about you, Nicotiana? Did you play with boys or girl toys?"
I take a deep smoke inhale, then I confess:
"When I was a little girl, I liked playing with dolls. But I also played hide and seek with boys. At that time, I had longer hair, with a tail. I clearly was a girl, in all aspects, but I liked to be alone and play in the forest. My parents said that only boys go out in the forest alone. But that is like the life of another person or memories from another life. After I became a sfenist, I thrown my dolls in the river. Girly games were no longer for me. At high school, I played once on a computer with two guys, a game about killing monsters. I liked it. But the guys were trying to hangout with me, so I moved away. I guess it's my hate for men that prevented me to become a transgender".
I take a deep, angry smoke inhale.
"I guess you won't like your breasts removed and a treatment with hormones", he says.
"For sure not. But if you want to become a woman, it is ok with me".
"No, Nicotiana. I just want to be somewhere between".
We stay one near the other, on the bed, then, talking a bit about what will happen the next days. As things happen in spring, people at the mine get more free days: one day working and one day free, then on day of work with 3 days free, things can go up to 7 free days with one day at work. Atan will be here, helping me with tobacco seedlings. We also must plant our own. And not only that, we need to have a garden to grow what we eat. Unlike in his word, there are no supermarkets here. And anyway, who has the money to buy daily food?
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The next day, he is free. So, he will not become Atan and get to the mine. Because every night at 3 AM I must go for a passing train, we never change clothes during sleep. We change clothes in the morning and in the evening. It will take too much time to change from bed clothes into daily clothes, go to the station, then return and change again. Today, he is free. So, he will remain Alia all day and will help me with agriculture.
After the morning train passes, we eat breakfast: bread, cheese, eggs and a big cup of hot milk. Then we smoke. We are two women, with long gloves, savoring our cigarettes. We do a lot of smoke tricks: multiple inhales, combined mouth and nose exhales and more. Anyone who will see us, will think we are two women and have no idea about what he actually is.
Then we wash in the kitchen. We change to a different outfit. Now, we have some old dresses, suitable for this work. They are dark gray and older, with something written on them, that cannot be seen completely. Time washed part of the texture. We have black opaque tights and closed-toe plastic sleepers. We smoke one last cigarette, then we go to work.
I start teaching him how things work here. He never farmed in his life. Where he came from, they have a lot of engine-powered tools that work the ground. Here, we have muscle power and patience. We start planting seeds and little plants from seedlings. I see how hard is for him to do this, but he keeps on going. I keep explaining him how to do it. Well, it's a terrible experience for him and he needs a break several time. So, I accept to do breaks and light a cigarette each time.
A few people lass along a trail, at the border of my garden. They go to their gardens, which are further away. Also, a neighbor is working his garden not far away. They look at us, more at him. None of them say anything about his feminine appearance. They comment that he doesn't know anything about agriculture. And it is true, he never used farming tools.
When we stop, he has wounds in his hands. I examine the round buttons filled with liquid. His soft hands are not prepared for this kind of work, but he shows ambition.
Now, let's work more on the seedlings. This is not hard, but takes a lot of patience. In each plastic plate, we mix ground and water with manure from last year, from my parents' animals. Then, we put a few tobacco seeds, only half a centimeter buried. All the plates must stay on a multi-floor thing, which is an improvisation. Every day, we give them water, with a syringe. It is important not to give too much or too little water. At this phase, they don't need light.
As we handle the seedlings, the noon train goes to the mine, then returns. We make a break each time. Then, we come together and eat. Well, in other parts of the world, noon is the time for lunch, but we don't eat much at this hour. We eat lunch at evening while the noon lunch is some sort of a second breakfast.
Now, people start coming to buy tobacco seedlings. I sell. Alia is not yet good at this. He gets confused in the way we make commerce. Not everybody pays with money. Most people use other things: they pay with other staff: flour, grains, corn, cement, lime, fresh vegetables... anything. What amazes me is that people no longer look so strange at him. In fact, they comment that he is not good at agriculture and laugh at the wounds he made to his hands.
Then, comes time for my parents to arrive. When they see his wounded hands, they laugh. My dad even takes him to the garden and watches him. He laughs, while my mother says:
"Is he born in a city?"
"Well, it looked like a town for me, but he said it is a village", I answer.
My dad explains him how to hold tools used in agriculture and how to work with them. It really amazes me that my dad is not making fun of his outfit.
As our parents stay here, other people come and buy seedlings. Again, my parents laugh at Alia, realizing he doesn't know anything about rural trade. Prices are not fixed. At some point, we exchange two tobacco seedlings with 5 tomato seedlings. The next, we change other two with only 3 tomato seedlings. This is so, because the plants are not grown the same. Everything requires a small discussion. My parents give him a lot of advices, but still rural trading is far from him. Instead of appreciating a bargain as a whole, he tries to calculate values. No time for math here.
My parents bring us milk and cheese like always and we give them a lot of seedlings for them to grow.
Later, my sister Cemis arrives. She comes to do our hair. She has a good style and is the hairdresser of our village. I like my hair to be not long and not short, just cut it before it reaches my shoulders. While other girls spend so much time on their hair, mine has not a particular outfit. It depends more on what side I slept last night then on what I wanted it to look like. She is different. She takes very good care of her hair. She makes curls of her long black hair. So, I invite her to the kitchen. And she gently cuts my hair, then paints it in green, as I like, also giving it some volume. Then, I move out from the kitchen and she starts working with Alia, with the goal of making a replica of myself. Well, when I paint my hair, I also paint my eye lashes (the ones above the eyes). But for Alia, it is different, because he has dense upper lashes, as men has. So, Cemis must partially epilate them. That is painful, but not as much as is when I epilate his body hair. Then, she softly paints them in green, but darker then the hair. I don't know what happens there, but Cemis stays too long with Alia. Well, their problem. Finally, they both get out, holding a cigarette.
Well, she is my sister, but I give her a two packs of cigarettes for her help.
Evening trains come, but this time Atan is not coming from work. He is here, with me, as Alia. Well, I feel something. Cemis said something to him. I see it in his eyes. In her eyes, all I seen is the desire to help and be friendly. Well, we eat the 'evening' lunch and then go back to house. Now, it is time to change again.
I want to take a dress that I like, even if it is more a summer dress. It is green and has a big white leaf on its front. But since it is not summer yet, I have to improve. Then, I remember that in winter, when it was too cold, we made pantyhose tops. Why not to wear one with this? Well, before, I never knew that you can make a top, to cover your chest and hands, from pantyhose. So, I take one, which is some sort of dark gray. I chose pantyhose of the same color for my feet. Inspired from me, Alia choses a black and white dress, but also uses a pantyhose top and matches it with pantyhose for the feet, of the same color.
I see he doesn't say a word, but I feel a tension inside him. What is this about?
"There is something with you", I say.
"Nothing", he answers.
"It is not nothing, I see it in your eyes".
"I was thinking about Stromboli", he says.
"No, you were not. It must be something related to Cemis".
I see a surprise in his eyes.
"Please, tell me exactly what did she say. I mean, what affected you".
"Well", he says, "Cemis was asking if we did anything together. She is surprised that we don't even kiss".
"I see. So, she wants you to touch me".
"Yes, but more then that".
"She asked you to... what I think?"
"Yes. But you know that is impossible", he says. "But..."
That 'but' makes me wide awake and watching him with my eyes completely opened.
"Please, Alia, say what is it. Even if you curse me, I won't hurt you. Remember that I sworn I will not try to kill you again".
"We are not making love, but I think..." he makes a break and lights a cigarette... "I think that not like this... Maybe..." his words come very hard out of his mouth... "We should try to touch a bit each other".
He takes these last words with a thick cloud of smoke. But I can see he is relieved from a big stress, he is even shaking a bit. I analyze his words. Maybe our relation has reached the 3rd point. Are we growing faster then our psychologist said? Steps in a sfenist relation are:
1. Failed burst - when the two are stopped by their wounds
2. Platonic relation - when a huge amount of affection grows around them
3 - Limited touch - when the two start to touch and kiss, but not much more
4 - Limited love - when things go to some intimacy, but almost never to sex
5 - Mature relation - the point when they are able to have a child.
"Nicotiana, I am sorry if I wanted too much", he says.
"No problem. Remember what our psychologist said? We might get into the 3rd state of our relationship".
"I remember", says Alia.
"So, what do you want to touch?" I ask him, knowing already based on his fetish what he would like to touch.
"Your feet", he says.
"Ok. Let's see if I am ready, if we evolved up to that point. You try on my feet, but if I am not ready, I will ask you to stop. Then, I will try on you".
As he sits on the bed, I lean on my back, putting my feet in his lap. I take a deep breath, then say:
"Touch them!"
The next, I feel his hands touching my feet. It is not bad. Somehow, it is some sort of massage. It feels good. I think about his feet, which are just below mine. Honestly, I like it. Oh, I need a cigarette now! But it is comfortable this way.
"Please, light a cigarette and put it in my mouth", I say with a soft voice.
And he does exactly as I said. When he puts the cigarette in my mouth, I notice the filter is a bit wet. But, amazingly, I am not repulsed of this. Even more, I like it.
I take a deep inhale full of smoke. My body so strongly needs it. I imagine all the nicotine hurtling through my arteries and vines, all the way to my feet, just beneath his hands. I take another inhale. Never imagined that I will like someone to massage my feet.
Then, I notice something. I can see something under me, under one foot. Immediately, I realize what it is: his penis. Well, that is his normal anatomy, so there is nothing I can wrong. It gives me a little freezing in my back and he notices it.
"Is everything ok?" he asks me.
"Yes. Keep on with the massage. And blow some smoke on my feet, please".
He lights a cigarette and does as I said. I stay so, on my back, smoking and enjoying the massage. At some point, I feel his breath, as he pours smoke on me. But more then that, I feel his hands playing with my feet. He gets to my toes, to my ankle, gently massaging everything.
I grab a pillow and put it beneath my head. I light another cigarette and watch as the smoke goes up, in the room. It is relaxing. And I see a huge satisfaction and affection in his eyes. It is like if, this was his desire for very long. Why didn't he tell me? Well, I guess that I wasn't ready for this yet. But now I am. He might play with my feet as long as he wants. And he keeps on moving his hands from toes to the knee.
By the time I light the third cigarette, I feel again his penis beneath. Probably it moved a bit. I don't know. I must confess that at that time I didn't know anything clear about that organ. I knew that it grows in size and shrinks back, but never knew how exactly. Only that this time, I feel no cold in my back. And it is far away from what I felt before. When other guys tried to touch me, it was such if their hands were made of infect, rotten meat... and I felt worms and slimy putrefied matter moving over me. Now, it is not like this. It is so good. I like it and I feel much more affection and some passion.
I think it took more then an hour. But, at some point, he stops and looks at me:
"Are you ok, Nicotiana?"
"Yes, I am fine".
"Did you like it?"
"Yes, I liked it. Did you?"
"Me? It was amazing".
"Now, do you mind if I try the same on you?"
"If you want to".
We change seats. I move to his place and he puts his feet in my lap, leaning back with the head on the pillow. I see his feet in front of me, on my green dress. A bit from my feet is visible, with dark grey pantyhose, like his. We wear a pantyhose top, of the same color, that covers my arms almost to the hands. So, I touch. I feel the soft fabric, pleasant to touch. I did touch my feet many times, also I touched his knees, but never had the chance to explore his feet like now. I move my hands all over, feeling the soft texture. As he did, I move to the toes and gently touch them. So strange! I can see his painted nails, through the fabric. I move my hands around his ankles, then up, all the way to the knees. I gently massage his knees and then move down again. He lights a cigarette and smokes while watching me. Immediately, I think about nicotine moving through his body. Just below my hands, nicotine is spreading into every cell of his body.
I also light a cigarette and start gently to blow smoke to his feet. With the cigarette in my mouth and with both hands on his feet, I am experiencing something I never did. It is a state of confusion, while my body feels things it never did. I even push my dress up, so that his feet now can stay directly on mine. Pantyhose on pantyhose. Some ash falls on his feet, more exactly on our feet. It gets mixed by my hands in the soft fabric. We keep on doing this for a while. What an amazing feeling, that I never experienced in my life! And he stays relaxed on his back, lighting a new cigarette and smoking, while I make a massage on his feet.
At some point, I stop. He changes position and sits near me, on the bed. If one can see our faces, we look more satisfied and exhausted then if we had a sex orgy. But for us, this was maybe too much for a day. For sure, it was an experience like we never did.
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The next day, he has to go to the mine, to work. I stay here and continue my work with tobacco seedlings and with gardening. When he returns to work, we touch our feet again, but not for that long, as we did in previous day. And as night comes, we decide something that before this, never seem possible. We decide to sleep in the same bed.
A tree grew far from the forest, in the fields. The farmer wanted to remove the tree from his land, but he had no axe. So, he removed all leaves and all buds from the tree. When fresh leaves grew, he removed them too. The tree grew weak and soon, the farmer could take it out of its roots.
Legend Of The Forest
Sleeping together in the same bed has proven to be by far not as easy as I thought. In the first night, I let him sleep to the outer edge of the bed, while I slept close to the wall, but when I had to go for the 3 AM train, I had to wake him, to get out of the bed. The second night, it was also not as I wished. We were so afraid not to touch each other, not to wake-up each other, that sleeping was anything but easy. We were concerned not to make noise, not to move. We tried to sleep back to back, face to face... And an even greater challenge was because sometimes we wake-up during night and smoke. How to do that without waking the other one? I was at the point to recommend that we should sleep back each one in its own bed, but I preferred to go quiet. This is an important step in our relation. I know that in classic relations, the couple sleep together and even have sex from the first night, but we are sfenists. We are completely different then other people and that's the way things go.
During the second week, things started to settle a bit. We got used to this. We built a small shelf on the wall, so he could put there an ashtray and a pack of cigarettes. I also have a small table near the bed, where I always have an ashtray and cigarettes, ready for the night. At some point, we placed a box between us, with an ashtray, lighters and cigarettes... but during night, we moved and made all the ash and filters fall on the bed.
During the third week, things settled even more. It was no longer a problem if we touch during the night. Even more, we started to touch our pantyhosed feet. In one night, Alia - Atan even proposed that we should try to sleep in reverse position, he with the head towards my feet. And during the night, we spent some time holding and touching our legs. During another night, we held our hands for long while we were sleeping, until one of us changed position.
Then, comes this interesting night... I was dreaming. I was dreaming that I needed a cigarette. And then, I was smoking. But was the dream real or not? Somehow, a cigarette was moving to my mouth and back. Well, when I managed to wake-up a bit, I could see that someone is really doing this. Alia is putting a cigarette between my lips. He is awake and giving me smoke.
"What a..." I whisper.
"You were saying that you want a cigarette", he says.
"Really?" I ask, realizing better what is going on.
"Nicotiana, you asked twice".
"Did I ever do that before?"
"Yes. But I was in the other bed".
"And you gave me to smoke?"
"I never dared to go to your bed".
Well, I know my addiction is beyond any acceptable border, but I never imagined that I ask for cigarettes while sleeping.
The next night, I tried to put a cigarette in his mouth, while sleeping, but it didn't work. But I managed to slowly blow smoke to his nose, to make him somehow inhale while sleeping. It worked, only that in the morning, he remembered there was so much smoke in the room and we should open the window before going to sleep. As I hear this, I take a deep inhale and take my mouth close to his, then I slowly exhale. Amazingly, he tries to breath my smoke. That is cute! We try this again, in the evening. Then, the next day, in evening, I wait him from work.
After we eat and change, we dress. It is time for Atan to become Alia, like in every evening when he comes from work. Outside, it is getting hotter. The winter is long gone, the spring is ahead. So, we chose lighter clothes. I take a white and green dress, while he takes a black, brown and green one. We both have shiny, light-brown pantyhose. And we sit on top of the bed. We light a cigarette. Then, I turn on the laptop and go to YouTube, to see some smoking videos. I go to what little is left from the Camelboys, boys in the gym, doing workout and smoking. Well, we soon see a linked video, named smoky kiss. Two persons, a man and a woman, seem to be kissing, but in fact they changed smoke from one to the other.
"That is interesting", says Alia. "They recycle smoke!"
"Close to what we did in the morning", I say.
"And we didn't knew it".
"I knew this exists".
"You did, Nicotiana?"
"Yes. And there are several variants".
I show him another video, this time with two smoking women. They exchange smoke between their lungs. Sometimes, they touch their lips, sometimes not.
"I think I can try this", says Alia. "But I don't know if you are ready... not sure even if I am ready, anyway".
"We could try. If you feel this is too much for you, just say so and we will stop".
"The same, if you need to stop, Nicotiana".
"Ok. Let me try first".
I take a deep inhale. Then, I come with my lips close to him. We touch our lips like in a kiss, but this time with another purpose. I blow the smoke inside his mouth. He first opposes me, but then accepts. Then, he exhales it. Well, I almost cannot believe this. My smoke, getting out through his mouth! So incredible! A part of me got inside his body!
We try again. This time, he takes a drag and comes to my lips. We touch our lips, then I slowly open my mouth and prepare to inhale. The smoke enters my mouth and my throat. It is far less strong then when you directly inhale from a cigarette. Also, it is warmer and more moisture. Then, as I exhale, there is a small trail of smoke getting out of my mouth. So incredible! For the first time, something that was in his body, now is inside mine.
So amazed, I look around. It is something I long wanted to do, but was too afraid to try. No guy ever came this close to me without a massive punishment.
"Are you ok, Nicotiana?" he asks me.
"Yes, I think so", I say.
I take another deep inhale and try again. Our lips touch, then open a channel. I hear the smoke moving between our mouths. As our lips move again, a small cloud of smoke gets out of my mouth, but far more gets out of his.
He takes a drag and we try to do this again. We touch our lips again and I can hear the smoke getting inside me. When our lips move away and I exhale, there is not much smoke in me, much more in him.
"I think I am not doing it right", he says.
"You are bigger then me, your lungs are bigger", I say. "Try not to take the smoke so deep in you".
I try again and take a double drag, to get as much smoke as I can inside me. Then, our lips touch again and I gently push the smoke inside his body. It is too concentrated and he hardly avoids a cough. Then, he takes like me, a double drag. The first drag gets deep inside him, the second, which he almost coughs out, then is poured into me. I take the smoke and feel it, much stronger then before. I take it all, deep inside my body. He then exhales the remaining smoke, while I let his smoke out of my own body.
"Wow!" I say. "It is much deeper then a kiss".
"Two planets exchanging their atmospheres", he says.
Then, I take another deep drag and we touch our lips again. I pour the smoke in his mouth. But before he can exhale, I say:
"Wait!"
And I take my lips back to his lips. He gives the smoke back into my body. I feel it. Almost no strength left in it, but it is warm and full of moisture. Then, he takes again an inhale of smoke and touches my lips. I take the smoke inside my lungs. It has some strength. Before I can exhale, he puts his lips on mines, so that he can take the smoke back.
At this moment, I look inside his eyes. He is very pleased of this. I see pleasure, much affection and some passion, but by far not the passion I've seen in the eyes of most guys. I don't see those sinful eyes, I don't see the flares of hell burning inside him. It is the fire of a lighter or a candle, not the fire of a burning forest. I can handle this.
"This is a trillion times more powerful then a kiss", he says.
With his hands, he also touches my feet. Well, actually my left knee and my right toes, given my position. I feel his hands and slowly move one hand, to touch his feet. I didn't even realize that our feet were touching all this time. Then, he takes one hand, to take his cigarette.
We take a few smokes, without trying the smoky kiss again. Then, I say:
"Let's do this again!"
And he takes an inhale and takes his lips to mine. I touch his lips and open mine. The smoke moves between us, making a little noise as it passes through our mouths. I let the smoke out, then take a deep inhale from my cigarette. My lips meet his and I start pouring the smoke to his mouth and body.
We finish our cigarettes. This was an experience far beyond anything I ever tried. And it was not a kiss. It was not a declaration of passion and love, not a hidden burning erotic desire. Maybe, it was a bit, but there is something else. It is completely different. We shared each other, we exchanged smoke between us. We united our hearts, our bodies, maybe even our souls.
"The smoke that went inside you", I say, "went in your body, even in your heart. And then, inside of me. I took inside myself a small drop of your heart".
"Now, I have a droplet of your soul inside me", he says. "Yes, I've been taking pieces of you by passive smoking, but this is far beyond anything".
I feel his hand still touching my toes. I touch his hand with my hand.
"Now, a bit of my feet are inside you", I say.
He feels my heart and has a small twitch of his body.
"Are you ok?" I ask.
"Yes, Nicotiana", he says. "You are the princess of nicotine and you can transform anything into smoke".
"Thank you", I say.
We talk about this experience, then the radio signals. Night train is coming. I need to go to the station. I let Alia in the room. Some sort of powerful energy flows through my body. I almost run to the station, where I light another cigarette.
"What is happening to me?" I ask my shadow.
"You know well the answer", my shadow answers.
"Am I in love? Like this?"
"Sure you are, you know well this. Just look at you".
I am in a state of happiness, almost shaking. I didn't even notice the cold night.
"Yes, Ana, you are in love. And you've gone so far, the furthest in your life".
"What if my body will stop this? What if I will hit him like all the others? I am afraid!"
Thinking of this, I take a triple inhale from this cigarette. I try to keep the smoke in me as long as possible. As doing this, I almost cry. "Will I kill him? Will my body reject him like all the others?" I didn't feel the same. Maybe a bit. Yes, a bit, there was something telling me to stop. But he didn't touch my critical points. I don't support anyone to touch me above my breasts and on my neck. But there is something different. Is it the touch that triggers all this? Or is the eyes? The sinful fires in the eyes. That's it! But my body needs to breath. I kept the smoke too much inside me! I let it out.
It is starting to rain. A cold rain, with rare drops of water. Tomorrow will be a cold and wet day. The train is approaching, I hear it. Then, I see the lights. Yes, it is coming. I take another inhale, thinking about what might be if we are pushing the limits too far. What if our bodies are not ready for this? Will I beat him? Will I attack him? Will I even kill him? The train is here. I go fast inside the station, to radio signal upstream and downstream stations. Then, I come to the platform and signal the train to go. It has one wagon for passengers and about 30 wagons for coal. I don't see any passengers inside.
The old diesel engine makes a long beep, then starts moving. A cloud of smoke is above us, with a smell of burned engine oil. I know, people will say that these trains are living their last days, but it is not true. When an engine has major problems, it is repaired, with whatever improvements can be made. New spare parts are brought only when the old one are destroyed beyond recovery.
As the train passes away, my shadow says: "If this old, rusted engine can climb to the mine, you can carry your weight too. The gods will strengthen you when needed".
I return to the house. We try to sleep, but fail for a long time. The experience of exchanging smoke was far too much for both of us. Yes, I really think we are progressing too fast.
The morning comes and Alia becomes Atan and goes to the mine. But I can tell from his face that he didn't sleep enough. I also have a lack of sleep. As the train comes, we hug and he climbs aboard. I watch the rusted wagons going away, vanishing from my sight. Well, since I am alone, time for some gardening! Time to see all my plants what are doing. I don't have many tobacco seedlings for sale. The season is almost over. Well, they've been sold a bit better then last year.
I move to each plant and remove all unwanted weeds from around it. Like always, I take most care of tobacco plants. I gently touch their young leaves, knowing that I will be smoking them the next year. The sky is cloudy and it is pouring a rare rain. But, then, the radio beeps. The morning train is returning from the mine. I go to the station and check the lines. Everything is ok. The train passes downstream, stops here to take a few passengers and drop one. I signal the train to go.
The passenger is a 13 year old girl. She comes to me, with a very shy look.
"Ana?" she asks, almost shaking.
"Yes, that is me", I answer.
"Please, I need your help", she says.
"Ok. Come to the house".
We go to the 'good room', as we tell it. Each house here has two rooms: one is the 'good room' that we keep for guests and to store goods and one is the 'daily room' where we stay and sleep. To enter both rooms, you need to go through a small room where we take down our shoes. I look at her. She is young, with a natural brown-to-black hair, dark eyes. Not fat and not thin, she is about my size (a normal size for her age, I am shorter then other women because of underage smoking) and with a pink dress. Her bare feet have red nails, unlike mine, which are covered in pantyhose.
"Who are you?" I ask.
"Kumit", she says. "I am from Ganymede".
"I am here to help you. Please, tell me".
"Ana, I need your help. I know you can talk to Actit".
"Actit is good with everyone and will help you, but only if you want her help".
"There is a guy, who comes to our house. He is looking for me. And I think my dad wants to force my hand", she cries. "He tried to kiss me a few days ago".
I see the look in her eyes. Is this really happening?
"With who?" I ask.
"Fakih, who works with Abdul, from Beyond The Sands. He wants to get me for Abdul".
What? I get shocked. That rich Muslim guy who tried to seduce me? I know he has a harem and is very rich. He made is fortune by wood extraction. And he still carries wood along a nearby railway. I know him. He tried to get to me, but I attacked him.
"Are you sure this is about Abdul?" I ask her.
"Yes, I am. And I am scared to death!"
I start moving my hands around her head.
"You must be stronger. Not even mountains, not even rivers, not even the great storm can move you".
"Please Ana, you have to stop him!"
"Not me! You!" I say, moving my hands and shaking them a bit. "Actit will give you all the strength. You can do this. You have the power inside. And that over-cursed infidel will have no chance to stop you. Actit will not let her children suffer".
"But my dad talks with Fakih!" she says, crying.
"Cry, Kumit. As you cry, you will take away the cute girl that you once were and a new woman will be born into you. You are to be strong".
She cries.
"Kumit, you must do as I say. Actit has given me a sign that you will not go to Abdul, but you must also do your part. When you go back home, say to your dad: 'I will not go to Abdul. If you force me, Actit will bring a whole life destruction to you and all of us. She gave me a sign'. You must say these words with as much authority in your voice as you can. Say them one by one, with little pauses between each word. If he tries to say anything, repeat the words exactly the same way. If he tries to say something about, don't let him. Repeat these words again. You got the words: 'I will not go to Abdul. If you force me, Actit will bring a whole life destruction to you and all of us. She gave me a sign'. Now, repeat, Kumit!"
"I will not go to Abdul. If you force me, Actit will bring a whole life destruction to you and all of us. She gave me a sign", she repeats. "But what if they ask me what sign?"
I fast look outside and see a ray of light. Is it a sign from Actit? Well, I felt that the goddess is answering me somehow, but could this be?
"Just look outside. Wasn't it raining? But you can see a ray of sunlight on the window, don't you?"
"Yes, Actit has given us a sign", she says amazed.
"Don't tell them about the ray of light. It is only for you and me. Just tell them that you've seen something here".
"And my dad will not give me to Fakih?"
"If he tries, repeat this over and over. You are strong, Kumit", I say while moving my hands. And if Fakih comes, repeat this over and over to him".
"Will this help?"
"Yes. You know the unwritten law. Parents are not allowed to give you against your own will".
I move my hands around her head, then around her body. I just try to give her all my bioenergy. All! She needs so much help. How could a parent do such a thing?
"Mom is against this. She said she will hide me".
"She is on your side, but she cannot fight alone. Stay on your feet, in front of your dad. Tell this and sharp. Now, say it again, in front of me".
"I will not go to Abdul. If you force me, Actit will bring a whole life destruction to you and all of us. She gave me a sign", she repeats again.
"Stronger", I insist.
"I will not go to Abdul. If you force me, Actit will bring a whole life destruction to you and all of us. She gave me a sign", she repeats again, with much force in her words.
"Again, but this time not with a hard tone. Say it with authority, with breaks between words. Again".
"I will not go to Abdul. If you force me, Actit will bring a whole life destruction to you and all of us. She gave me a sign", she says, with a new voice.
I move my hands around all her body, with a huge tension inside me. Stronger! Come on, Ana! You have to give her all your bioenergy! She needs it! Then, I open a drawer and take some dry ground power. I softly pour it above her head.
"This is ground from the shrine where Actit holds her body. Now, her power is above you and she is covering you. But, if you don't fight with your own strength as hard as you can, she cannot do anything to you. She can do wonders, she can change rivers to go upstream, she can break iron gates and she can turn clouds back, but only if you want to. Only if you show with all your power that you want her to help you".
"I do! I want Actit to help me! And I will do whatever it takes".
"You are a warrior, Kumit! And you have the blood of a warrior! We have been living in these mountains for 10000 years. Empires raised and fallen, but we are still here. And you are strong enough".
"You think so, Ana?"
"I was face in face with Abdul when he tried to seduce me", I say. "And I think you know what happen. Actit gave me the force and I almost killed him. And I am a woman, just like you. Don't doubt you are. Don't think you are strong. Know you are. You are, Kumit! You are stronger then that infidel! He is just a fat piece of meat, waiting to die and be eaten by worms, while you are a child of Actit. You have the Altar inside you. You are a creation of the gods, while he is a creation of Satan and nothing more!"
"Will I be as strong as you are?"
"Just say 'I am as strong as Ana is' and hear yourself".
"I am as strong as Ana is".
"And Actit gives me strength", I say.
"And Actit gives me strength".
"I am a child of the gods and Abdul is a child of Satan. Say it, Kumit!"
"I am a child of the gods and Abdul is a child of Satan".
"I am strong".
"I am strong".
"Even if Abdul comes to you", I say, "don't worry. Just say him what I said. And if he forces you, hit him with all your power. Between his legs and in the eyes. Don't worry, you are strong enough. Have no mercy, he is the son of Satan. Actit will give you all the strength, but only if you do your best on your side".
"I am stronger, Ana. I am powerful!"
"Yes you are, Kumit!"
"I am powerful and Abdul is a piece of rotten meat!" she screams. "Actit is with me and I will kill him!"
"Now, when you go back home, just keep repeating what I told you. And you will get more and more strength with each word you say. Nobody can stand now in front of you!"
I take my pack of handmade cigarettes and offer her one.
"Do you smoke?" I ask her.
"I tried to sneak cigarettes from my mom, but Fakih hates smoking girls. So, my dad tries the best to prevent me from smoking".
"Kumit, then you have to smoke. Believe me, from all offers I gave to Actit, the best she accepts cigarettes".
She takes my cigarette and lights it. I see she is not quite a smoker. She coughs a bit.
"Each time you take smoke into your body, say: 'This will make me stronger' and you will be stronger".
She takes another inhale, this time better. And she blows a small cloud of smoke from her small lips.
"I give you four packs. Just keep on smoking, at least one each day. It is a medicine. Each day, smoke one. And when you do so, think that this makes you stronger. This will transform you, from a girl into a woman. Girls listen to their parents, women take their lives into their own hands".
"I am a woman", she says, after taking another inhale. "And I am as strong as Ana is".
"Yes you are strong. And if you fight with all your strength, Actit will help you".
We smoke together.
"I will not go to Abdul. If you force me, Actit will bring a whole life destruction to you and all of us. She gave me a sign", she repeats each time after she lets the smoke out of her body.
"You are a warrior, Kumit", I say to her.
"When my dad will find out that I smoke? What should I do?"
"Don't stop. And if he takes your cigarettes, come to me. I will give you others".
"I will not stop. And I will fight. I will not go to Abdul, because Actit gave me a sign!"
Now, it is time to search for a few things, for Stromboli.
"Kumit, can you tell me something?" I ask her.
"Sure. What is it?"
"Have you seen people planting something different?"
"Like what, Ana?"
"Well, like the tobacco seedlings that I sell. Other seedlings or other plants, but that are not familiar to you?"
"No", she says. "I only seen vegetables and tobacco seedlings".
So, no sign of weed or other weeds even worse. Now, time to use this question for her help.
"So, you've seen no palm trees, banana trees, coffee trees or vodka trees in here".
She laughs.
"Vodka trees?"
"Yes, trees that have bottles of vodka instead of fruits. Have you seen such trees?"
"No", she answers, laughing and finishing her cigarette.
"If vodka trees were to grow in the gardens, all alcoholics would be very happy. But you know that alcohol is the blood of Satan. So, such an abomination will not exist. If one day a vodka tree will exist, lighting will fall over it and will burn it".
She laughs.
"What your dad wants is like planting a vodka tree. If that tree gets planted, it will spread its seeds through the mountains. And not only you, but many girls will go to suffer in a harem. But if you fight back, you will put Abdul to silence, just as I did when I were in your position".
She listens very careful.
"You have all the strength you need. All the power was already in you when you came, but you didn't know it. You can go back home. On the way back, repeat what I told you. When you return home, tell it in face of your dad each time he talks about Abdul or when you think he thinks about that. When Fakih comes, repeat this in his face. If they scream at you, repeat this as you move away. If your dad beats you, repeat again. Repeat and run. Don't let them beat you, but let them know it. If he tries to convince you, repeat it again in his face. Say it also to your mom. No talk, no argue, no nothing. You are not to argue with your parents as long as they think you can go to Abdul. No nothing. You are to save them from the terrible sin they are about to do. Cause of they give you to Abdul, they are cursed for their entire lives".
"Thank you, Ana! I will!" she says. "How can I pay you?"
"No need to pay me", I say. "Pay Actit for her help".
"How should I do that?"
"After you succeed. It will not take too long until your dad will stop, because he cannot cross the unwritten law. At that time, say 'thank you' to Actit. That is all she needs, your gratitude".
I watch how Kumit goes out of the house. She moves on the railway, since it is the most easy way to walk around these mountains. The unwritten law prohibits such things. Children are sacred. A parent who does not take care of its children, is cursed with a life-long harm and destruction. On the other hand, I am happy that I convinced someone to smoke. May her lungs be happy!
People come to me from time to time. They think I am a witch. Well, not quite. I know that I can give them strength to pass over harsh situations. Actit might help and she helps anyone who is opened for her help, but the most important thing is human strength. The power of your own heart. If you do nothing, nobody will ever be able to help you. If you are lost in the sea and someone throws a lifeline or a lifeboat, you have to swim and grab it. If you just stay in water and scream for help, nobody will ever help you.
Secretly, this is how I work for Stromboli. I ask people that come to me. Simple questions, that they cannot understand why I am asking: Have you seen unusual plants? Have you seen seedlings of a plant you've never seen? Have you seen unusual people walking around? Have you seen some new types of seeds, but that are very well paid? Then, I go to the house and turn the laptop on. How do I speak with Stromboli? People use Facebook or Yahoo Messenger, but I never do that. I have no account on any of then. I do have a Google account, but it is not mine. It belongs to a former user of this laptop (I have no phone, how could I possible have a Google account?) Well, how do I keep contact with Stromboli? And how does he keep contact with his teams? In the most unexpected ways. I know well, because once, he was trying to seduce me, to make me his girlfriend... but he paid for this.
We use the most unexpected ways. For example, we both comment on a site about cartoons. With another person, he keeps contact by commenting or sending messages through a site dedicated to sports. A third link is made with a completely different person by using a site made as a night coffee hangout. One person posts a picture, the other one adds a comment. And if things require it, we use private messages on that site. No phone, no mail. And everything is coded. For example, now, I wrote to Stromboli the following message: No lonely trees close to the river towards the spring... and I post this on a picture showing a river. A few days ago, I wrote: The train moved two stations down. No bush in the large plain, no sign of a lonely tree... on a short video about a train. Both the picture and the video are not posted by me or Stromboli, they are posted by other people. However, since we are friends on that site, we can see comments (activity) made by each of us.
To my messages, Stromboli answers, by commenting to a recently uploaded picture of a camel: The sand is blowing and the desert is expanding, but for now, the oasis is green and out of sand. Nobody but me knows what he is talking about.
Everything looked ok, until one day, when I receive a message from Stromboli. It is on a song. There, he comments: A bee has spoken. A lonely tree might grow to the South. Most people might say that this is an insane comment, but I know the gravity. I need to investigate. Time to take Alia - Atan to the valley that lies South to ours. I have to do this.
The best way to get rid of a tree is to prevent the seeds from reaching the ground. If that fails, it is good to cut it down while it still is small. Then, if it is large enough and you cannot cut it, you have to remove all its leaves and buds.
Well, I need to prepare for this. A reconnaissance mission. I need to take Alia - Atan and do our best. We have to find out what is going on there.
Sometimes, something must die, to keep the rest living.
The Wiseman
Today, we have to go on a mission. We have to be very careful. The worst possible thing that could happen to these mountains are Sanders. My plan is made. My sister Abida will be left on the railway station, while me and Alia - Atan will go over the mountains, to the Hexagon Valley, where, if Stromboli is right, the Sanders are planning something. I have all very good planned. Unfortunately, men (even as a transgender) are far from good at making plans. And still... he is more a coward then a warrior. So, again, I am to be in charge. I know very good how things must go. We will pretend that we got lost on the mountains, then pretend we are a couple from the Land Of The Plains that went to the mountains to drink. Since Nomads are Muslims and are not allowed to drink, they often come here. Then reach to a good friend of me, Inah. Almost nobody knows that she is a sfenist too. I calculated everything, every step and placed all on a well-established schedule. Just as the morning train departs and Abida comes, we start moving.
We have a great advantage that Alia - Atan can pass both as a man or as a woman. I don't know why, when a man dresses as a woman, he looks older always. So, he can pass as over 30's. But there is a major problem: he looks a bit childish. Just like me. Usually, sfenists look a bit childish. Why is that? The answer comes from a joke that people use to say in these mountains. The joke says that at some point, a television came to find the oldest man on Earth. They searched and found one. So, they asked him:
"How did you get to this age, grandpa?"
"In morning I eat milk, at lunch milk, in the evening milk", the old man says.
"And how old are you?"
"90".
Then, they find another man. They ask him again how he got to this age.
"In the morning I eat vegetables, at lunch vegetables, in the evening vegetables", he says.
"And how old are you?"
"100".
Then, they search again, until they find one man that looks incredible old. They ask him how he managed to survive to that age. He answers:
"In morning, I have women, at noon, women, then at evening women again".
"And how old are you?"
"30", he answers.
Well, this is a joke, but it is somehow true. An active sexual life makes you appear more mature, older, more evolved. For a sfenist, this can never happen. As a result, we look a bit younger then we should. And not only that, but we look more innocent. For a woman, that gives an innocent, sexy look, that drives guys crazy. I am a bit over 20, but people give me an age of 17. For men, it is a bit different. A sfenist man looks more polite and innocent, but anything away from a self-confidence Batman or Mortal Combat warrior that women will go mad after. Alia - Atan might be 25, but as a man, people give him 20 or 19. As a woman, he could fit to 30. Well, there is a catch. I could pass as a boy (even if I have a strong hate against men). With my short size, I can fit to 15 or 14 years old. This might work for my woman voice. So, I could fit as his child and he as my mother? It could work, but he doesn't speak well our language. Well, this could work in some situations. We prepared for all scenarios.
There is another problem. Here, in the Heptagon Valley, people speak a dialect. In the Hexagon Valley, there is a different dialect. We understand that dialect, since it is the same language, but Alia - Atan is new to this world. He still doesn't speak our dialect perfectly. There, he will have problems finding his way.
Well, if all goes according to plan, all will work well. If not and there really are Sanders, we should be ready to hide in the mountains. That doesn't scare me, anyway.
We start going, leaving Abida behind, at the station. Now, we are dressed like two girls going for a sunbath. Nobody can suspect we are going to the mountains. I have my favorite green dress, with a white leaf on its top. I have smooth shiny pantyhose, with sport shoes. Alia has a yellow dress, with a large red umbrella on its top. He also has smooth shiny pantyhose and sport shoes. We had to paint our hair last night, in a sort of dark brown with a little red, something that can pass both for a man or a woman. We both have a small sack on our back. We both have a summer hat on our heads.
From the railway station, starts an industrial line, 9 km long. It follows a little river and moves through pastures. At 6 km, there is a little village. People from there, go by foot along the railway to reach our station. At the end, the railway reaches a surface coal mine, which is used mostly in autumn. The main reason why this mine is used only when coal demand exceeds production, is the steep grade towards it. Trains hardly manage to climb here. There have been cases when a train could not climb all the way up.
We walk along the railway. And we really look like two girls looking for a place to relax. Soon, we reach the village, where a few dogs start barking. People keep their cows in the pasture. Well, we pass the village without incidents and reach the mine. It is all quiet here, nobody is in this place. We make a small break and smoke, before starting to climb.
"Have you ever climbed on mountains?" I ask.
"Not quite like that", he answers. "I did, but in organized groups and on touristic marked paths. And I had special equipment".
"No equipment here", I answer. "It is nothing here. Just us and the mountains".
"But I bet you cannot keep your step with me, Nicotiana. Your excessive smoking have ruined your lungs".
"Oh yea? Smoking does nothing bad to the human body. Just watch. I bet at the end you will be crying like a puppy".
And we start climbing. Well, I heard that people going to the mountains should have sport boots, but where do you find such a thing here? What brand? Be serious! Who has the money for that? We have the cheapest tennis shoes, for going on the mountains. The path starts from behind the mine and climbs. first, it follows a little stream, then leaves it behind. We are deep in the forest, finding our way through roots and fallen branches. The path is still clearly visible. We reach a group of white boulders. I know, there is a small spring beneath them. And we stop for a cool natural drink, then we take a smoke.
"How is it?" I ask.
"Wow, I lost my training", he answers.
"Marked touristic paths, you say?" I answer, laughing. "So that the sanders will know which way to go".
We take water in a plastic bottle and continue our journey. The road takes us close to some large cliffs, all white. There is a small cave here, we just pass close to its entrance.
"Limestone", he says, looking at the rocks. "These mountains are so complex. We have limestone, coal, granite, crystalline schist, all together combined in a pattern I cannot understand".
Then, we enter a tight canyon, in fact a deep crack in a large white cliff. It looks somehow like a valley, but with no water. The path stretches through the canyon. It is just enough space to go through by horse, not horse carriage. Upper from here, the path is cut in the stone. And here, one can see unusual signs sculpted in the stone.
"Anywhere you go and you find stones, you see these signs", I say. "They are not letters, they are symbols. Remnants of our ten thousand years of history. We've been here, in these mountains, ever since".
We continue our way up. The canyon ends and a few stairs are dug in the rock. We reach above, on a flat terrain, covered with forest. There is a vertical cave here. I show him where it is.
"In old times, when we had to sell our children for weapons, to defend these mountains, some virgin girls jumped in here. They made suicide to save their souls. Nobody is allowed to come closer".
Then, the path follows a straight line. It passes through the forest. We then go down a bit, to meet a valley. It is full of waterfalls. Downstream, it is very deep and scary, but upstream, it is very small. That is the way. We follow it upstream. The path follows it through the dense forest. We pass the valley and keep on climbing. I almost jump over the roots and fallen tree branches, but for him, it is hard. We reach the top. From here, we can see our valley, the Heptagon, in the back. In front of us, it is the Hexagon Valley. And we see to our right, the high mountains, covered with snow, rising above everything. To left, we can see how the mountains are lower and lower, continued with hills. Then, far away, it is the Land Of The Plains, where nomads live. Here, on top of the mountain, we see a black tower of stone. It is natural, not made by humans, but has some sculptures on it.
"This is the shrine of Adge, the god of craftsmen. He gives them the power to work", I say. "Adge is the sword of Aziv, the god of war".
"And where is Aziv's shrine?" he asks.
"About two days of walking from here. But only people going to war are allowed to go there".
We move a bit away, to a place that looks good for a picnic. After all, my plan is to tell people a lie, that we went for a picnic and got lost in the forest. It is better to lie when there is something true. If not, they will find out the truth by looking in our eyes. I made a few sandwiches, with cheese and vegetables layered between two slices of bread. We eat our food and drink some water. As it is polite, we say nothing while eating. Then, we light a cigarette.
"Have you ever been to the Land Of Sands?" asks Alia.
"Yes, but not deep inside. I've been to its capital, by train. It is hotter then here. Less rain, more drought. They also have mountains".
"And the people?"
"All Muslims. But they are more practical then the Nomads. I mean, women there don't have the right to walk alone and must always cover their heads". I take a deep inhale, thinking that he will ask me about Islam, but I continue: "They are different somehow. Some are extremely rich, while others are starving. Well, they are of different Islamic sects, so conflicts are common. But that is not the problem. Their main problem is their neighbor, Land Of Fire".
"Have you been to that land too?"
"Alia, if I wanted to be killed, raped a trillion times and sold to a harem, I would. But I don't. And you know it is war there. You know the truth, now. It is an artificial war, because some rich idiots want to be war, for their contraband to work". I take another inhale, keep the smoke inside me, then let it out. "It is all artificial, nothing else! Do you really think people want war? And a lot of refugees moved from the Land Of Fire, to the Land Of Sands. That is the problem, they bring sanders with them".
I take another inhale, slowly blowing the smoke through my nostrils.
"I never understood why Islam makes people do such things. People in the Civilized World think it is Islam that droves Sanders do what they do".
"Completely fake!" I answer, while I was ready to take another inhale. I take it, then speak, as the smoke gets out of me, with my words. "Have you ever read the Quran? Answer me!"
"No, Just a few quotes, Nicotiana".
"Well, you should read and talk later", I say. "If you will read it, you will understand that Islam is a religion of peace and not of war. Only that the Holly Book is written in Ancient Arabic. It contains the words of the Prophet, just as he said, not a single word is changed. Only that the language changed. You see, Alia, Ancient Arabic is like Latin or Slavonic or Ancient Greek. It is different from the Arabic spoken today. And while some Arabs can understand it, many people will not. Everyone knows to read and recite the Quran, but almost nobody knows what actually is written inside. Children learn to read and recite from a young age. I don't contest that there are miracles and Allah is helping people understand, but not everybody".
I take another inhale from my cigarette, let the smoke out, then continue.
"The same was in the Christian World. The Bible was written in Slavonic in the Orthodox Church or in Latin in the Catholic Church. Also, praying was done in those languages. So, people had no idea what the truth is. How do you explain such insane actions, as holy wars and crusades? Then came Martin Luther, who translated the Bible into Germanic. From that point, every German citizen that knew how to read, was able to read the Bible and search the truth by itself. For me, it was a revelation when I could read the Quran in English, on the internet. Yes, it is a difficult book and you can puzzle your mind for a long time, trying to understand. It is far better to ask for help, to understand certain chapters. I might say, it is sometimes as difficult to understand as the bible, which, despite those endless genealogies that got me bored, contains many wise examples for life and is sometimes impossible for me to understand. Well, for both books you must look at the time they were wrote".
He is so surprised to hear this.
"You mean you read the bible?"
"Yes, I did. And I did read many stories from all religions I could find. Well, if we talk about Islam, here is what I strongly respect: No alcohol, no drugs and no gambling. These 3 huge sins are strongly forbidden in my life".
"Nicotiana, since you know so much, what the Quran says about women? Why Muslims are beating and treating women like this?"
"Well, the Quran says loud and clear that a man can beat his wife only on the back and only in a way that will not harm her. Also, a woman must be beaten when there is NO OTHER WAY, no other solution. For example, when you, as a man, see your wife tries to suicide or do something very bad. I understand that and accept that, but there is no place, in the whole book, where it is said that women should be treated in a bad way".
"I never imagined this", he says.
"You also must put things into their age. You see, in that time, polygamy was frequent, both at Jews and Arabs. So, Mohamed accepted Muslims to have up to four wives. But we live in a different society now. And there is no way the Prophet would have accepted a harem".
"But most Sultans had that!"
"Also, there are many things. The Prophet fought both against alcohol and drugs, naming them 'intoxication'. And in the same way, against gambling. About these things, he said: 'There is little profit and great sin, but the sin is far greater then the profit'. You see? It is said that, about alcohol, he said once that 'it takes so much of intoxication to kill the body, but so little to kill the soul' and after he said that, people in Mecca were throwing their barrels of wine on the streets. And wine started to flow on the streets like rivers. Well, it only takes a visit to Mecca and you are a completely different person. At least it worked for me".
"You've been there?"
"Yes. After all, I am an official Muslim. What amazed me there, more then everything, is that people, rich or poor, black or white, get dressed in white suits and are equal. No difference. But I think we talked enough. We should go, to keep the schedule".
We continue our trip. The path now goes down, towards the Hexagon Valley. There are 12 valleys in the Land Of The Mountains, each one hosting different villages and people speaking a different language or dialect. Here, the rocks are some sort of black and dark blue. They are large, massive chunks of rock, fragmented. A close look reveals stratification. Alia - Atan shows me that these rocks were formed by sedimentation, then they went deep inside the Earth's crust, where they were exposed to high pressures, to become solid. We walk between some large boulders. Then, we reach a large plateau, some sort of terrace, covered with forest. The path continues along a river, down to a spectacular waterfall. Then, we enter deep into the forest. Rocks become a bit reddish here.
"Iron ore", says Alia - Atan. "So many minerals are here and so little is extracted".
We continue and reach a pasture, then again we are in the forest. We keep going, until we reach a dry valley. Then, we reach a small river, that flows through a deep gorge, from a waterfall to another. Soon, its valley gets larger. Here, we see a lake, partially silted. There is a dam downstream, about 30 meters high, made of concrete. We stop here and I take Alia - Atan to an abandoned building nearby, which has no door left.
"We need to change here", I say. And we change clothes. He now gets dressed as a man, with grey trousers and a white shirt. I change my green dress with a white blouse and black pants that reach to my knee. Also, we change our summer hats with something more common here. I take a hijab to cover my head, while he takes a fancy hat that covers all the hair and sun glasses. With an earring in one of his ears, he will look like an adventurer and I will look like his Muslim wife. Well, not many people know me here. Nobody knows him, anyway. But I know the place. "Remember, I am Aisha, your wife. And you are Abdullah, my husband. We are from the Land Of Nomads. It is not polite for me to speak. You know what you have to do. We get to the main pub of the village and ask for a big bottle of cola and two glasses. Then, you ask for something to drink, like Vodka. We pretend to be drinking, so I can listen what people say. Then, we go to my friend, Inah".
What I forgot, is to bring him socks. So, if anyone looks very close, can see that he has pantyhose. Well, someone must be very careful to see this.
After the dam, we find an old road, partially destroyed by water flowing. And in an hour, we reach the village. It looks a bit similar to our village, only that the valley is more narrow. I know my way around here. Not soon and we are in the center. We enter the largest pub. I take a seat at a table in the middle, while Atan orders a big cola and two glasses. Very good. We drink fast two glasses of cola, then fill two others. Then, Atan orders a glass of something heavy, with much alcohol.
I know what I have to do. I listen to everyone, to see if they say something about a new opportunity of work, about a new kind of crops, anything. And we smoke. But, because we don't want people to see our handmade cigarettes, we buy a pack.
"There is nothing original in here", says Atan. "This is not real cola. It tastes horrible".
"What do you expect in here?" I answer.
When there is nobody in the bar, he pours the alcohol into the bottle of cola. Then, orders a new glass. And we do this a few times. He only touches the drink with his lips, not drinking anything but cola. Well, we stay about two hours like this. Then, he pays for all and we go out.
I listen to everyone. But, once, I notice some guys that come here and look like Muslims from the Land Of Nomads, but speak a dialect that is used in the Land Of Sands. Too bad I don't understand much of what they are saying.
We now head to the house where my friend Inah lives. It is a house similar to mine. We enter directly. Inah is older then me, about 35. She has natural hair and is dressed in working clothes. She is working in her garden. When we come, I take my hijab away. When she sees me, she comes and hug us both. I tell her who he is. Immediately, she takes us to the kitchen and gives us something to eat. Like anyone in these villages, she cooks things based on milk and cheese, vegetables, bread and eggs. After we finish eating, we all light cigarettes and start talking.
"What a pleasant surprise, Ana! It's been so long since you last came here".
"I am happy to see you too", I say. "How is Altha?" (Altha is her husband).
"Not good at all. He is very sick. Liver problems".
"I am sorry to hear that", I say.
"Because of drinking", she says, almost crying.
"Can we help him?" I ask.
"I've been to Jupiter and talked to a few doctors, but I don't know. They say some medicine could help, but it is too expensive. And none of us has a job".
"How much?" asks Atan.
"About 80 $", she says.
"We can help you", I say. "I think we can. Don't we have that money, Atan?"
"We do have", he answers. "Give them, if you wish".
I give her the equivalent of 100 $. She is so happy that starts crying.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" she asks.
"Actually, there is, Inah", I answer. "But please, what we say, must remain here. Nobody must know, not even your shadow".
"I will not tell".
We tell her why we are here, that we suspect Sanders are here and that Sicily has plans to extend his emporium away from the Land Of Sands here. I told her that Stromboli sent us here to investigate. And she tells us about something, about a house nearby, where she has seen something unusual. That person gets lots of money without an explanation and uploads and downloads a lot of staff on trains. A lot of packages. Also, she says that the electricity bill is extremely high for that house, which is so unusual. People here have lights in each rooms and a TV set, nothing more. So, why would someone use so much energy?
About unusual plants, she knows nothing. About unusual people, she also knows nothing. But then she remembers that she has seen an unusual number of strangers, coming to the central pub to drink, then going by train back.
Then, we go to see Altha, her husband. He is sick in the house, on bed, accusing some pain. She is feeding him, washing him, taking care of him in any way she knows.
But we cannot stay much longer. We plan to take a closer look.
"If you need anything from us, just tell", I say to her. "And if you find out anything new, tell us".
"I will", she says.
We travel to the house she showed us and take a look, just by passing on the road in front of it. Yes, there is something strange. Firstly, the house is surrounded by a fence that does not allow you to see anything inside. Secondly, we can hear sounds that are not familiar. Those sounds repeat continuously, like some sort of equipment is working. Well, my plan here, changes a bit. Behind the house, there is the river. So, why don't we just pretend that Atan is sick from too much alcohol and needs to throw-up? So, we follow a path that borders two properties, to the river. He leans down to the water and tries to wash his face, while I help him. But my eyes are in fact watching the house and the things around it. What is this about? I see some big metal objects, something making smoke (so, there is a fire) and a few metal pipes, including a few that reach the river. I also notice some steam.
I have no idea what this thing is doing here. But I notice one person or two. They didn't see us.
Well, we don't want trouble. So, we move away from here. This time, we get out to the forest, where we will change again. Now, it is time for Atan to become Alia again. If this works fine, we will get home safe, by train. Only that this time Alia will be much older and I will be her son. I have to dress like a child.
And here we go! Now Alia is wearing a green hijab, a dark red blouse and a dark brown skirt, with dark pantyhose. He has platform shoes. In order to look older, I apply him a strident red lipstick and a lot of make-up around his eyes. His nails are made dark red. The apply of dark colors make him looking older. I am dressed like a boy, with a white shirt and jeans. But again, I forgot to take socks, so if someone looks close to my feet, will notice I have pantyhose.
I go back to the local railway station. They use a similar system of communication, with radio beeps. We get in the train and leave. I take a sit close to the window, as a boy would do, while he takes a sit close to me. He pays my ticket, as a mother would do. Unnoticed by anyone, we go to Jupiter, our capital city.
The railway here, is as damaged as the railway where I work. Only that this line does not transport coal. Trains here carry wood from the upstream forests. With a massive lack of roads, trains here carry all the cargo and passengers.
In Jupiter, we go to our train. Our first stop is in the toilette, before the train departs, as it is still empty. We change clothes and make-up back to what we had before. I have my favorite green dress, with a white leaf on its top. I have smooth shiny pantyhose, with sport shoes. Alia has a yellow dress, with a large red umbrella on its top. He also has smooth shiny pantyhose and sport shoes. We look like two girls returning from a sunbath. As the train prepares to depart, I start to make plans, about all we've seen. But, suddenly, something happens. We hear screaming on the platform.
"I'll kill you!" shouts somebody.
There are two men in a fight.
"You die for what you've done!" shouts the other one.
"You own me money!"
"I owe you nothing!"
They are fighting down there, while people try to avoid them. Nobody interferes with them.
"Oh mine! Shouldn't they go to a forest or a field, if they have something to share?" says someone in the train, not too far away from us.
Fights are common here, like anywhere in these mountains. At some point, the two move away one from the other. Good that we managed to get out without a problem. I know I will have to write a detailed report to Stromboli and send it to him by train somehow.
Our train departs and soon we are back home. Abida waits us, nervous to return to her house. We get back to our home, eat and go to the house.
"I don't understand anything", says Alia. "What was that building?"
"I also don't know. All I know is that it is unusual. Well, it's doing something it should not do. But this is not our part. Stromboli will work further from here".
"What will he do?"
"Sometimes, you have to let something die, if you want the rest to survive".
*****************************************
Time has passed. We find out, thanks to Inah, that the mysterious building is in fact making cola and nothing else. Maybe Stromboli had a wrong information. But it is true that a group of refugees from the Land Of Sand has moved there. They are only refugees, nothing else.
For me, there is another lesson from this trip. I might have more the personality of a man then that of a woman, but for the first time in my life I was dressed as a man. It looks like this is the best I can get as a man: a child. Being shorter, there is no way I could become a real man. I didn't like to be a boy. If I could be a real man, to take matters into my own hands, it would have been much better. If somehow we were to change genders, Alia can behave as my mother, of 35, but I will be just a teen-ager, at 15. All my life I thought that for a woman, to become a man, it is very simple, while in fact, it isn't. We women are shorter (and I am particularly short). My breasts are small so I can hide them, but there is no way I can make the biceps of a man. How much gym should a woman practice in order to become a transgender? How many transformations? Much more then men. A woman with large breasts will have no way other then surgery, to remove her breasts before going further. And still I don't know what to do with the voice. Well, my underage smoking did something for me, changing my voice into more bass, but still I have the voice of a woman. No matter how much I smoke, I will not have the voice of a guy. And for the last and final transformation, I yet don't know how and if it is possible to create a penis for a woman. I know that by using hormones the clitoris becomes a small penis, but not a real one. And all your life, you have to take doses of testosterone.
A woman that becomes a man must work so hard, that it is far too much for me. If I become a man, I am someone at the bottom of any hierarchy. Many men are not smart, especially when they think with their balls. They use their excessive force to prove their superiority, not their brains. At this point, I think it is far better for me to be a woman, to prove my superiority to them.
I always thought that for a woman to become a man, all what is needed is to wear some clothes, a fake beard and a fake mustache. And I thought that achieving that is very easy. Now, I clearly see the opposite. After this trip, something of me died. I am now a woman in all aspects. Instead of being a nobody in men word, it is better to shine above them as a woman.
But what is Alia - Atan? A man? A woman? Something between. I have to work on him, to make him something better. As I've seen on the internet (and partially at him), a transgender tries to wear more strident make-up, more sexy clothes, without paying attention to details. It is not enough to wear a skirt and pantyhose to become a woman. He needs to learn how to match the colors, how to match the tiny aspects to be pretty.
When a man dresses as a woman, he becomes more aged, more powerful (compared to the force of a woman), more sexy, but never as pretty as a woman. He is the only exception I know. Well, this is because I select his clothes and I help him with make-up and his hair. But he is starting to understand. He is becoming more woman, without forgetting that he is a man and will remain this way. He is, in fact, trying to become a copy of me.
*****************************************
Now, I need to say a few words about Inah. She is about 10 years older then me. She felt in love with her husband, Altha. At that time, she was a simple worker in a furniture factory, while he was second in command. Altha's parents advised him to marry a richer woman and he did as they told him. They stayed together for a few years, but they were like two carpets in a room. they were not made one for each other, not talking, not doing anything. At some point, they divorced. Then, Altha turned his attention towards Inah. They started to be friends.
At that point, Altha had no idea that Inah is a sfenist. She became a sfenist in the same way I did, as a result of sexual abuse, but as she was a teen-age. Inah showed him a strong love, with very much affection. She always tried all she could to make him happy. Unfortunately, everything almost crashed when they went to bed. There was almost no way Inah could make love with him. But, because she was showing such a powerful spiritual love to him. Altha accepted her the way she was. One could argue that despite being a strong spiritual love between them, they suffered a lot because it was almost impossible to have sex. But it is not true. They formed a very strong family and even managed to have one child.
Yes, Altha suffered, but he released his tensions by starting to drink. Not much, but day after day, his liver started to suffer. When he was sick, Inah did everything she could do, to help him. Quite everything. He suffered many years, but she was always there, near him, helping him with such a devotion that I've never seen to any wife in our villages. She never betrayed him, she never took money from their home, she was never angry to him, she accepted all his problems and fought as hard as she could to help him, until his last say. Altha died at some point, I don't remember when. What I remember is that she then directed all her love and affection to their child, helping him to establish a family.
What is also to be noted, is that Altha never cheated Inah. He also understood what is to be a sfenist. He appreciated her spiritual love and devotion that went beyond anything.
Today, Altha is dead. Even after 5 years, there is no day when Inah is not going to his tomb. She is now a grandmother and takes good care of her 3 grandchildren.
Her example shows that it is possible for a sfenist to form a family with a non-sfenist, if their relation is based on real, spiritual love and not on sensual love. And she is not the only example I know. But again, in order for such a relation to succeed, something in us must first die, so that the rest will survive.
When you pull a sheep out of its flock, it will instantly try to get back. When a sheep is alone, it does not eat anything. It just makes noise, calling any nearby sheep. Its eyes scan the horizon, looking for any sign of a flock of sheep. When it sees a flock around, it runs towards them as fast as it can. No animal suffers more from loneliness then the sheep. By looking at a lonely sheep, one can realize how much lonely people are suffering.
The Wiseman
It is now summer. In every day, right after the morning trains depart, I take water from the river with a bucket and bring it to my plants, to the whole garden. All plants need water, but the tobacco needs more. It always makes me laugh, that this plant needs water to make fire. Soon, we will be collecting its leaves and will be making handmade cigarettes.
I take the last cherries from the trees in my garden. There are so many things to do with them. We make syrup, jam, but not only. I know to do cookies with them. I have cookies at every meal, because I love to make them. Well, not only that. I like to improvise. Why not to make other things with them? they can be combined with other vegetables to get lunch. It has a strange, curious taste. I like it and I think so does Alia - Atan. Sometimes I talk with him about the foods he used to eat in the Civilized World. Unfortunately, it is impossible for me to do that. Firstly, we don't grow pigs, so pork meat is out of discussion. Secondly, we don't eat fish. In our history, when we lost a great war, millions of people were forced to leave these mountains, to the land Beyond The Sands. Many of them moved by water and more then half died on the sea. From those who managed to reach that place, more then half died of starvation. We associate that tragic genocide with the symbol of the fish. We never eat fish, for that reason, all of us who somehow managed to remain here.
There are many differences between the food we eat here and what you see in the Civilized World. I remember from his parents, what a luxurious kitchen they have. So many tools were there! Here, we don't even have a fridge. We cook using wood fire, which is the cheapest. No gas tanks, no sink with flowing water, no luxury that I've seen there. I remember that his parents have electronic devices for mixing ingredients and for slicing food. Alia - Atan told me about an electric boiler they have, that produces hot water in the kitchen. When he told me that it is only 5 kg, I didn't believe him. Instead, I searched the internet to see with my own eyes. And in the bathroom, they have a shower with its own boiler. There, water is heated by gas, from a separate gas tank. I would like to take his parents here, to see how we heat water and how we wash in a plastic basin, pouring water with a sponge. We have no bathroom, we wash in the kitchen. Anyway, their kitchen is as large as my whole house.
There is another thing, that I don't believe even now. Alia - Atan said that they have a fountain and a water pump, connected with a network of hoses, that go throughout the garden. And each hose has holes, so that water drops at each plant. I don't believe that! They are rich, but who can spend so much money on that? Who can pay so much electricity, to pump all that water? And the price of all hoses, the pump and all equipment, will fall far below the price of food produced.
Alia - Atan told me about the tools they use in agriculture. They have a device with its own engine, that prepares the ground before planting seedlings. I searched the internet by the brand he said... well, it is about 1500 $. 15 times my salary! How much money those people waste? I really cannot understand how they can live in that luxury. And they say it is not enough. They are not satisfied. Oh mine! Why is not a comet falling over them? So much greed in this world!
Honestly, I am very happy in these mountains. And why not? In the Land Of Dictators, people in the rural area are starving, despite the elite in their capital living in luxury. In the Land Of Sands, it is not good, too. And in the Land Of Fire, people die of starvation and of war. Christians are crucified, women are raped and sold, while Muslim men work to extermination. I would like to take someone from the Civilized World to those places and force it to live there a month.
Another thing that I never understood is what I see in American movies: a man with a shotgun shouting at you 'Get out of my property!' - this always makes me laugh. Well, I've never been that far and I will never have the money for a trip out there. Here, in these mountains, even if you get to a hidden contraband camp, people will never do that to you. They will first presume that you are lost and will try to help you. They will offer you something to eat and a bed to sleep. People walk through my garden. Children move to any garden they want and eat fruits. Here, it is quite the opposite. It is considered that you have to help a lost person. You have to be a good guest. If someone walks around your garden, want to eat some fruits and doesn't it is considered a sign of disrespect.
If anyone would offer me anything, in any place on planet Earth, I will refuse. No! This is my home and I will not move even for all the gold in the known Universe.
***********************************************************
Well, soon the evening trains will come. Atan will arrive from the mine. Everything is done in the house. Food is ready, new clothes are in the house, everything is prepared. It has been a hot day. Even if the evening is coming, the air is still hot. Both in the house and the kitchen, the air is too hot.
When the train went to the mine, it was about 40 minutes late. Now, it returns with about 30 minutes away from schedule. Also the noon trains were late. There is something that I don't know. The train enters my station and Tesla, the engineer, screams to me:
"Ana, let me go, I am late!"
"What's happening?" I ask.
"The line is twisted at Himalia. I hardly managed not to derail!"
"Go, Tesla! I will signal the stations after you go", I say.
I immediately signal him to go, then I enter the station, to radio signal upstream and downstream stations. Oh no! This is a nightmare! The old rail sleepers are no longer resisting. Wooden sleepers have rotten, while concrete sleepers have cracked. In some places, distance between rails is changing... You don't need to be an expert in railways to realize that if rails are not aligned at the same distance, trains will derail. Soon, a train will derail and there will be no trains for a while, until the mine will spend some money to repair the rail.
We get to the kitchen and eat. Then, we go to the house. It was a hot day today. All the heat has accumulated in the house. It is that kind of heat when you want to sleep with nothing to cover your body and still will sweat.
I take a small green blouse, with no sleeves, that lets my belly uncovered. Also, I wear a small green skirt. For this weather, I take shiny, sheer pantyhose, with green plastic sandals. Now, almost all my feet are exposed. My pantyhose rise a bit above my skirt. Atan changes and becomes Alia. He wears a black blouse, that covers his fake breasts. He has a short black skirt, like mine. His feet are also covered in sheer shiny pantyhose and like at me, they rise a bit above his skirt. He has white plastic sandals. These sheer pantyhose require some sort of shoes even while walking in the house, if you don't want to rip them. We both have painted our hair back in green. And not only the hair, also our nails are green, both at the fingers and at the toes.
Also, I add a little make-up on him. A soft, shiny lipstick and some powder around his eyes and he looks just like a woman. I also do the same, but with a lipstick that is a bit more red.
We talk a bit about what happened at the mine and about the railway. It looks like everyone knows that the railway will not be functional for long. When trains will be unable to move, the mine will be closed until the rail is repaired.
We light a cigarette. And we try what we did many times, the smoky kiss. He takes his lips close to mine and touches my lips. I open my lips and allow the smoke to get in. I slowly inhale it, then allow the smoke to get out of my body both through mouth and nostrils. Then, I take an inhale and try to give the smoke to him, through a kiss. He touches my lips and receives my smoke. But, unlike previous times, we do this using a single cigarette and we both smoke from it.
Many things have changed. In past, if a boy offered me a smoke from his cigarette, it would have made me a repulsion, even an anger against it. But with Alia, all is different. I like it. I like to feel the little moisture on a cigarette, as he gives it to me. Even the fact that I see his lipstick on a cigarette, is not a problem for me. I watch as our lipsticks merge on the filter.
But, there is a single man that can touch me and that one is Alia - Atan. Nobody is ever allowed to do so. The same repulsion I feel for any other man.
I put my feet in his lap and lean down, with my head on a pillow. I allow him to touch my feet, to massage them. The only difference is that now it is very hot and there is some sweat on them. But even so, he touches them and massages me. I like that feeling. And even more, we talk and while we talk we change cigarettes between us, while my feet are still on his lap. We talk about the railway, about the many technical problems it has. As I stay on my back, I can see his head and I can see him smoking. My smoke is rising up in the room.
Then, we change seats. I start to massage his feet. I notice also some sweat absorbed by his pantyhose. In past, this is something I would never accept, but I don't feel repulsion. I can touch and massage his feet without a problem.
The days are far longer now. The night train should arrive here before getting dark, but it is nowhere to be seen. We move to the station. What if Almathea station forgot to radio-contact us? Is the train moving blind?
We are in the railway station. We sit on the bench, outside, breathing the evening cooler air. Actually, we are breathing some air, but also some smoke, as we immediately light our cigarettes. Alia moves his hand to my back, down to the top of my pantyhose. I try the same. I know that I must not touch the upper part of his back. And I manage to feel the smooth fabric, just 2 cm above from his skirt. We stay like this, while it gets dark. Then, at some point, we hear the radio signal. The train is coming and is over an hour late.
Soon, the train comes, struggling to catch-up time. I radio upstream and downstream stations before the train arrives, then, as it stops and a few passengers step down, I signal it to go. The train should arrive at 9.33 PM, but it is 11.28 now.
We return to the house and we go to sleep. At 3 AM, like always, I wake for the night train to go downstream. The train comes as usual. do my job and the train continues its route. Something tells me that this time it will derail. Unlike other days, I don't return to sleep. I stay out and hear the radio beeps from Almathea station, as the train reaches it. Then, I return home, but without sleeping. I have a feeling. In the end, I start sleeping, somehow, but not for long. The first rays of dawn wakes me up. And so does Alia - Atan. I have to prepare breakfast.
And just as I am in the kitchen, I hear the radio beeping. This time, it is different. It is not the same signal used for an approaching train. I hurry to the station, where I have a chart depicting all letters in Mores code and a sheet of paper to write it. The radio beeps again, this message:
AL CA PT CANCEL DERAIL (Almathea to Callisto, passenger train cancelled, derailed).
Then, a second message comes:
AL CA PLEASE CONFIRM (Almathea to Callisto, please confirm).
I write the message: CA AL CONFIRMED. Then, I receive this message: AL CA NO TRAINS TODAY PLEASE CONFIRM. I answer: CA AL CONFIRMED LINE CLOSED. I notify Ganymede, the upstream station: CA GA PT CANCEL DERAIL. I send the message again. Then, I receive a message from Ganymede: GA CA PLEASE REPEAT. I send a message: CA GA PT CANCEL DERAIL, then CA GA NO TRAINS TODAY PLEASE CONFIRM. I receive the message: GA CA CONFIRM NO TRAINS TODAY.
Alia comes to the station and I tell him what is going on. The repeated beeps can be heard almost in the entire village. They are a signal for everyone that a train is coming, only that most people don't understand the beeps. People start coming to the station, thinking the train is earlier today.
What amazes me is that Alia - Atan is now dressed as Alia, with a black top and short black skirt and with pantyhose, but people don't say anything about him. They now got used to this situation. We explain them what happened. It takes time until the hour when the train should really come.
Then, the radio beeps again, a long message: JUPITER TO EVERYONE LINE IS CLOSED TODAY MINE CLOSED TODAY EVERYONE FREE TODAY EVERY STATION TO CONFIRM. As always, message is repeated. This is our protocol. First, we send a long 'tone' signal, then the message. Then, we wait a bit (about twice the time needed to write the message) and repeat it. When I hear it for second time, I radio Ganymede, the upstream station. I do it as should be done, repeating the message. Then, I signal to Almathea, the following message: CA AL JUPITER CONFIRMED LINE CLOSED MINE CLOSED. It then takes 4 minutes, until I hear message from Ganymede: GA CA JUPITER CONFIRMED NO TRAIN TODAY MINE CLOSED. I send the message downstream to Almathea, to be further sent to Jupiter. It takes other four minutes and I get another message: EUROPA GA CA JUPITER CONFIRMED TRAIN DERAILED ALL CLOSED. I send the message to Almathea, to be forwarded all the way to Jupiter. And finally, the mast message: IO GA CA JUPITER CONFIRMED WE CLOSE THE MINE TODAY.
We all get a free day! Well, people, hearing all the beeps, keep coming to the station. They ask us over again what is happening. We explain everyone that the railway is closed. We go home and eat breakfast, then come and stay up to the hour when the morning train should return from the mine, to tell any passengers to go home. Nobody comes. The news have spread through the village. Everyone knows now that the line is closed today.
Since we are both free today, we go back to house and decide to go for a walk in the mountains. Not far from here, just a small walk. I take my favorite green dress, the one with a white leaf in its front. Alia takes another green dress, with something written in yellow on it. We take our sandals and head for a lake. there are a few dams built on a few streams not far from where we are. 30 years ago, there were plans to build a complex hydro energy power plant, with a lot of dams and many tunnels in these mountains, but the project was long left abandoned. Many people go to the larger reservoirs to take a bath in summer. I prefer a small lake, which not many people visit. It takes two hours to reach it. Built on a stream that barely flows in summer, the lake is 50 meters long and deep enough to swim in it. The dam is made of concrete and large enough to support a lake twice this size. Water flows through a pipe that should reach another dam in another valley, but it's broken somewhere at the middle. There are trees all around the lake, but there is a shore, where you can stay, very close to the water. We also decide to take some food with us, if we stay too much, as well as a small carpet to sit on it.
We reach the lake and find the best place to sit. We put the carpet down and sit on it. Taking out our plastic sandals, we let our feet to touch the water. I watch how a few small waves get formed and feel the smooth mixture of clay and sand that we touch. There is nobody here. And nobody will actually come here. There is no path or trail to this lake, you have to go directly through forest. It is not hot. The trees allow only a few rays of light to reach us.
We both light a cigarette and hold it with one hand. With the other hand, we are hanging each other. Our hands are now exploring our back. We do this for the first time in our lives. We touched our pantyhosed feet many times. We touched our hands and we exchanged smoke. We touched our lips and our face. Except for a few kisses and the fact that we hug each other, there is not more. Now, we touch our backs. I feel his hand exploring me. He gently moves his fingers and gets to the top of my pantyhose. And I do the same. Our feet meet in the water. Only that this time, it is wet pantyhose on wet pantyhose. The water gets a bit dirty, as we repeatedly touch the bottom of the lake. I also see some fish in the water.
We both light a cigarette again. With one hand, we hold the cigarettes, while with the other hand, we hug each other.
"This is my secret place", I say, after many minutes of silence.
"It is unique", he says.
"Not many people know it. This is the most lonely place in the forest".
"Thank you for taking me here".
"There are so many wonders in this world. This one is so quiet".
He takes a deep inhale, then says:
"You picked the most intimate place in these mountains".
"This is the place where I used to spend even hours, when I was a child", I say, taking another inhale. "And after all this time, I still come here. This lake has shared all my happy thoughts and all my tears. This is where I hided when that infidel destroyed my life. The lake knows all. all the cigarettes I smoked on its shore, nobody knows how many... are in here. The lake has been my hidden friend for such a long time".
"Nicotiana, it is a honor for me that you brought me here".
"You are the only one. I never took anyone here. Most people don't even know about this lake. It is said that it should not even be built. It was the ambition of an architect, who wanted to divert every river to the power plant".
I take another dose of smoke from my cigarette, slowly letting it out of my mouth.
"Many times I smoked here, just where we sit now. Here I laughed and here I cried. Like I said, Alia, this is my secret place".
I inhale again, then let the smoke out through my nostrils.
"Please, don't tell anyone about this place. I want it to be as it is".
"I won't, Nicotiana. You know I won't. And I will never go here again without you".
"You are welcome to come, Alia. I trust you. A part of me lives in you and a part of you lives in me. I didn't take you here because you were not ready... and I was not ready too. But now I am and I think we both are".
"I've never been closer to anyone in my life", he says. "I long wanted to be with someone, but you know what happened each time. I will never betray you. I abandoned my past for you. And you did the same".
"I know", I say, letting smoke out, together with my words. "We've been through many things".
"I think this is just the beginning of a long story", he says, also exhaling smoke while speaking. "No woman in my whole life has shown so much affection. And not only to me. My former friends from the Civilized World should envy us. Just how many I've seen sad, depressed. Two of them even tried to suicide".
"Why?"
"Because they were with girls that wanted only money and nothing more then this. But the guys loved them. And when a girl found a richer man, she instantly abandoned him".
I look at him, thinking of this.
"Many rich guys tried to get to me. Stromboli, for example. But you know what happen. And I ask you this. Please speak sincerely. What happiness would have awaited me with one like Stromboli? Supposed I was not a sfenist. Was there any happiness?"
"Except for money and a good life, no".
"Will that good life last long? At some point, they look for another girl. And what pleasure is that, to be with someone only for money? If I wanted money, I would have stopped you from getting citizenship. I could have used your money when we got to your parents. But no. I did a job for Stromboli, to get money".
"And even if one day I will get fired from the mine?" he asks.
"You still think that love is about money?"
"No. Real love has nothing to do with money or with sensual love. I realized it a month ago, when we went to Inah. At that moment, I realized all. How strong was her love? How much affection! For Inah, she was ready even to sacrifice her life, to save her husband's". She takes another inhale, then speaks: "Most guys will never understand this, but the real love goes through all walls and beyond all limits".
He takes another inhale, then says: "Were have you been, Nicotiana? All those years I was lonely, I dreamed about this ideal love, but I never found anyone. I never knew that far here, at the End Of The World, I will find you. I ran away and found you".
I look carefully in his eyes. I see a lot of affection, but almost no passion. Every single cell in his body is paying attention to me. Every single cell in his body is... Oh mine!
"With other words, you say that you love me", I say, with a smile.
"Yes, I love you", he answers. "I do. And I will do anything it takes to make you happy. I am ready even to kill myself for you".
I look at his green dress, at his green face, at his share pantyhose. He did anything possible to become a copy of me.
"I love you too", I say.
We finish our cigarettes and drop them in the water, as I did so many times. Then, we touch both our hands. We move our hands up to each other's shoulder. Then, we move our hands on each side of our body. He carefully avoids my breasts and my neck and I do the same. As we move down, we touch our stomach. For the first time in my life, I feel where is the belly of a man, with my fingers. What is really incredible, is that I am comfortable doing this and my body accepts him. He feels the place where my pantyhose starts and moves slowly to my feet, avoiding my genitals. I also move my hand to his feet, just in the same way, to the end of his green dress. As we move our hands lower, to the knees, our heads come much closer one with the other, until our hairs touch.
I take my hands out and look at him. He does the same thing. Then, in the next second, we kiss. It is first a short kiss, followed by a longer one, then a third one, even longer. Our bodies come even closer and we kiss again, while our hands explore our bodies. Then, he twitches and tries to pull away from my hands.
"You touched my back", he says, lighting a cigarette.
"Sorry, I had no intention", I answer, lighting a cigarette too.
"I am sorry to move like this".
"No problem, next time I will be more careful".
He is shaking. Oh, this is my fault. These are the stigmatas of a sfenist. We will have to carry them all our lives. I need to find something to solve the problem and fast.
"How about a swim in the lake?" I say.
"Here? Now?" he says. "If you want, I'll do it".
"Take on your sandals. There are rocks down there".
I take my sandals and move in the water, which rises to my knees.
"Shouldn't we first undress?" he asks.
"No", I say. "After all, it is summer. Come on!"
I move deeper into the lake, while he takes his sandals and comes after me. The water is not hot and not cold. A few fish swim around us.
"Just light two cigarettes from the shore and bring me one!" I say.
He does just as I said and comes with two cigarettes. I open my mouth as he puts one there, then, trying to imitate me, he takes the other one in his mouth. We go deeper in the water. I know the lake. The shore is covered with sand and clay. Deeper, you find stones that are not pleasant to walk on. Then, in the center and mostly close to the tail, there is a soft mud. Close to the dam, water is deep and anyone could swim.
We move deeper into the lake. Now, only my head is above water. Alia is higher then me. But, as he comes closer, leans deeper into the water, so that he is at the same height with me. And we stay there, in the water, for pretty long time. Slowly, our cigarettes burn, as the ash falls on the water and clouds of smoke get out of our mouths. Then, we drop the filters in the water.
I get deeper and start to swim. It is this lake where I learned to swim. I never did this in any other place. I am happy to see that he also knows to swim. This does not take long and we decide to return to the shore, holding each other by hand.
We move back to the carpet, with our clothes wet. Our dresses now stick to our skin and have become translucent. His fake breasts are now smaller and not as firm as should be. I start to feel cold.
"Nicotiana, you are getting cold", he says, as he starts to pick dry branches from the ground.
"Yes, but this cooled the heat of the day", I answer. "What are you doing?"
"I want to make a fire", he says. "You might get a cold".
"Not near the lake", I say. "The campfire will ruin the landscape!"
"Then, I will build it somewhere else".
"Ok", I say. "How about below the dam?"
As he moves, I can see through his dress his fake breasts and his underwear. I realize that he can see my body too. We move downstream, where I made fire a few times before. The dam is 15 meters high. Downstream, the valley is dried. I see the water pipe that starts from the dam and know it very well. About 1 km further away, it is broken and water falls back in this valley. We are not going there. Just close to the dam, there are a few chunks of concrete. And between them, I used to make a fire. I sit on a piece of concrete, while he makes the fire fast. We stay here, face to face. I am sure that as my skirt became translucent, he seen my bra and underwear. I notice him looking at me, but when I look at him, he points at something else.
"I know what you were looking at", I say.
"Sorry", he says.
"No, you don't need to be sorry. Just look at what is happening!"
He now looks at me, without hiding.
"It is the lake that did this to us", I say. "Or maybe it is Actit, working through the lake and telling us to continue".
He looks amazed at what I say. Then, he says:
"If this is the work of Actit, then we should..." he stops and thinks. "Maybe no. I will say it anyway. We should not hide our bodies..."
"You mean we should show one each other our bodies?" I ask him.
"Maybe not yet, but we should at some point".
We stay close to the fire and we light another cigarette. We practice the smoky kiss. Everything goes well, until at one point I don't give him only smoke. I also give him my gum. Realizing that he might breath it in and might die, I instantly move myself away, with a desperate look.
"Stop!" I scream.
He stops, with my gum hanging between his teeth. He is also scared by this unexpected event.
"Chewing gum?" he asks. "I had no idea you were chewing gum".
"I do", I answer. "I always do".
"I've noticed that your lips sometimes are moving, but I thought that you move like this, just like some people are shaking their hands or lips".
"Give it back to me", I say, taking it from his mouth. "Well, it is a long story. When I started school, I needed something to hide the smell of cigarettes".
"I've never seen chewing gum around you. Never had any idea".
"Well, now you know", I answer. "At school, we were not allowed to chew gum in class. Teachers would put it in our hair. So, I got used to not chew, just to hold it in my mouth. And after all these years, I am still doing it. I could stop it a long time ago, but after all this time, the gum is like an extension of my tongue. I take a gum every day, when I wake-up. Not at the 3 AM train, when I start making breakfast, but you are usually still in bed at that time. When I eat, I put it in a pocket, then back in my mouth. I even don't sleep without it. Keeps the taste of tobacco away in the morning. And I always have some gum with me, just in case".
Then, I throw my gum in the fire and take two pieces of gum. I give him one.
"Here!"
**********************************************************
After our clothes are dried and the fire starts to fail, we return to the village, to our home. Once we arrive, I want to prepare lunch. Like always when he is home during the day, Alia is trying to help me with everything. We cook together. Then, we sit and relax, smoking a cigarette. Nearly ending it, we also do a smoky kiss.
"There is something else that we should try", says Alia.
"What should that be?" I ask.
"We have a smoky kiss. How about a gummy kiss?"
"That should be funny", I answer.
We touch our lips. I take his gum inside my mouth, then push mine into his mouth.
"I cannot believe that you never knew I always have chewing gum in my mouth!" I say, with a big smile.
"You are full of surprises. You are the definition of a surprise", he says.
"And you surprised me with the gummy kiss. Never knew that such thing exists".
"My own invention".
"Have you any other inventions?" I ask.
"I don't know, Nicotiana. Smoky kiss, gummy kiss... What else should be?"
"Should we try everything we put in our mouths?"
"If you want to, I will try".
As lunch is ready, we eat. My cherry invention meal seems to be a good thing. As we eat, I show him how each time I put my piece of gum in a pocket or somewhere on the furniture, for later. Also, I show him how each time I finish eating, I take it back.
We then have desert: cookies with cherries and milk. As I put the plate with cookies on the table, he laughs.
"What is it?" I ask.
"I was just thinking about a cookie kiss and a milky kiss", he answers.
"We could try", I say.
And we try this, too. Exchanging aliments between us is not the same thing, but still it is funny.
Then, evening comes. No evening trains are now going to the mine. We just change clothes again. Only that, this time, for the first time ever since we are together, we do this without hiding, both in the same room and in the same time. We don't look one at each other, but we do.
Later, when we go to sleep, after I put what remains from my cigarette into the ashtray, I blow a bubble of gum. How could he not observe this for such a long time? I think about all that happen today, about how our lives are getting transformed. Our psychologist said that our friendship will get stronger by the day and that there will be a lot of affection. What will be next?
When someone dies, the soul moves to the Afterlife, which is in a different world. Still, something remains here. Those who passed away, somehow still live here, through the things they did and left to us. This is what still keep them connected to our world and extends their lives among us, even if they are unseen for our eyes.
Legend Of The Legend
Summer is ending and autumn is starting. Now starts the most busy time of the year on the railway. From my railway station, starts a 9 km long industrial line, that goes to a coal quarry, which is opened only part of the year. Now, it is operational. Every morning, a few trains now travel on that line. It is a steep climbing and each train needs 3 diesel engines. These trains sometimes have a wagon for passengers, but usually people just jump on them and ride on the engines. Giving the fact that average speed is 10 km/h and the engineers usually reduce speed when people try to get aboard or jump down, it is very practical. Now, Alia - Atan works at this mine. I like to know him working closer, but I don't like that he works more time a day. His job, as a Geological expert, is to figure out where is the richest ore and how the miners can get there.
For me, it is not a busy time. It is such an easy job to work on the railway. When I hear the radio, I run to the station, because a train is coming. The only exception is when a train is coming from the nearby mine. They don't have a radio beeper. So, I just keep a rail line for them. When I hear a train coming from there, I run and see what is going on.
The rest of time, I spend on agriculture. I work in the garden. Now, people start harvesting tobacco. For this time of the year, I have a special place. It is a large metal roof, that heats in the sun. Beneath it, there is a plaque of concrete. There, I have supports with multiple shelves, made of metal grates. In addition, I take a lot of tobacco in the house. Above the rooms and under the roof, there is enough space to store many things. And because the roof heats-up, it is an ideal place for placing tobacco leaves to dry.
When it gets dried, I start making cigarettes. Some might think it is complicated, but it's not. There are many machines that do this. Some are small, for home use, some are larger and suitable for industrial use. The largest machines could fit into a room. My machine has the size of a small closet. It takes tobacco, smoothly grinds it, then adds a special substance on it, for little moisture. Then, it takes paper and filters and makes cigarettes. The machinery can adjust many of its properties. Even more, in the end, the machine assembles cigarettes into packs. I have this machine from Stromboli. For a long time it was his, but now it is mine. He gave it to me after I attacked him. Oh well, as one can see, you still need the ingredients. You need filters, cigarette paper and the tobacco. All these ingredients are for sale, anywhere around us.
There are two things that no machine does. First, you have to take each dried tobacco leaf into your hand and grind it. As you do so, you remove impurities, ribs and branches. And second, you have to do something about the filters. What actually makes a refined cigarette has its unique taste, is not the tobacco itself. It is the filter, more exactly the chemicals they add in the filter.
Children usually start smoking corn hair (I don't know the English translation for this word, it refers to the tiny filaments that extend from the corn female flower, before it starts making seeds). But what happens if you remove tobacco from a good cigarette and replace it with corn hair? If you try to smoke it, you get something like an average to bad cigarette.
One day I purchased a pack of original cigarettes. I replaced tobacco from one with my own production... and it was almost the same, even a bit smoother. Then, I put that original tobacco in a cigarette with a filter without any aroma... and it was worse then what used to be. So, this is the true. Tobacco has its nicotine, but you have to add flavor in the filter. It is not only that the cigarette paper and the pack must look like original ones (even the stamp, sometimes hologram stamps). The hardest work is that, with a syringe, you have to add flavor in each filter. Kent flavor, Pall Mall flavor, Marlboro flavor, Viceroy flavor, Virginia Slims flavor, Vogue flavor, everything. It must precisely be inserted in the center. Producing the best flavor is the most expensive part. Combined, cigarette paper, filters and 'fake' original packs cost as much as the tobacco itself, but the flavors are about 3 times more expensive. Producing them, is a job for Stromboli. He has his own men that do this, at an oil refinery, in the Land Of Nomads. We don't only produce copies of original brands, but also many of our own, which are largely sold in places around.
For me, I like to produce cigarettes with fruit flavors: banana, cherry, lemon, mint, vanilla, rose and other flowers. I directly purchase them from a food shop or a perfume shop in Jupiter. Also, many times I pulverize water with diluted sugar on tobacco. I know that I have to produce enough cigarettes for us, for my parents and for my sisters. We all smoke about 10 packs a day, that means about 3500 packs for an year. But I produce far more. In every day, I sent to Stromboli, by train, large boxes with cigarettes. People from the village sell their tobacco to me, while I sell most of it, usually in the form of packs, to Stromboli. And I am not the only one doing this.
Most people do this for money. I do this for passion and also I do this because I know that this will make many lungs happy. I am strongly convinced that smoking is a good thing that cannot harm anything. At least natural tobacco cannot do anything bad. The chemicals added in it are responsible to all you see on media. Smoking is good for your body, the chemicals will kill you. I always believed that.
*****************************************************
Not all days are like that. Suddenly, there are cold and rainy days, when you cannot do anything. And usually, those are the days when I stop working. In those days, I spend most of time on my laptop. I take it to the railway station.
In fact, even the house I live in, is not actually mine. It belonged to an old woman. Her children never returned here for over 40 years old. She was a good friend of my parents and we took care of her. She died 3 years ago. I moved in the house about an year ago, as she agreed to give it to me, but without any paperwork done. May peace be upon her soul.
And the laptop that I have is not actually owned. It has a very long history. I both it from a neighbor, for two sacks of tobacco leaves. He had no idea what it is. He said it is some sort of high-tech big smartphone. Actually, he got it from his wife, which went for work Beyond The Sands. She got it as a gift from a man that also worked there, but was from a complete different area. When I opened the laptop, I found out that it had programs in many different languages, but it looked like almost nothing was original on it. I realized what a treasure I found. This laptop can offer me a connection to the outside world. People here have cable TV, but on the TV you only see a few televisions, which are all liars. A TV connection is around 8 $, while an internet connection is the equivalent of 25 $, in our money. My salary is around 100 $. It is expensive, but worth for every coin.
What was really surprising, is that the first owner left a word file with all passwords and accounts. Many contained the word 'Daniel', while others contained the word 'Ana'. Well, I also am Ana. So, I started to use these accounts that contained the word 'Ana'. This is how I got a Google account, which otherwise would be impossible, since I have no phone.
Then, I thought that the laptop was stolen. Nobody tried to contact me as I used the 'Ana' accounts. So, I tried to contact the 'Daniel' accounts. I placed a message, saying that I got this laptop (and described the whole story behind). I also wrote my address. After a few days, I got an answer from a 'Daniel' account. The owner was so surprised to see that his laptop is here, so far away. He really was a guy named Daniel and he lived Beyond The Sea, in the Civilized World, but in another land then the one where Alia - Atan lived. He told me that Ana was his wife and she died. He could not lock her former accounts because he loved her. Even more, he told me to keep the laptop and all her accounts, as a gift to her soul. And even today, I still use her accounts and the new ones that I've made share the same name, her name. May peace be upon her soul.
**********************************************
This laptop came to me with many programs installed, including a virtual world, Second Life. Immediately, I started to explore. I heard about virtual worlds, but never had a chance to see one close. I became focused on Geography and exploration, not about getting new friends and chatting. What I soon found out, is that, in this world, people try to copy the real world more then to create imaginary words. And also, people use this virtual world in a different way: for virtual sex. Until that moment, I had no idea that such a thing exists.
In Second Life, I've seen many guys lurking for sex. But, like always, those infidels have no chance to get to me. I also have seen many fake couples: a man and a woman, but both controlled by the same person behind the screen. I thought what an incredible thing this is! A virtual romance, with an imaginary character! How many lonely people found their love in here? Even with a virtual character, they are not alone.
Then, as Alia - Atan came to my life and I've seen for the first time in my life a transgender, I focused on this subject. I've seen transgender people before in Second Life, but never focused on them. This is the best place to become a transgender. You just pick an avatar with another gender.
My research found that up to 20% of places in Second Life are sex-themed. I found out that about 20% of them are designed for sexual minorities.
LGBT people had even two continents: IGBC (International Gay Beach Party) and Mar Lesbiana
BDSM people have a lot of places to hangout. In those places, you can torture yourself or someone else as much as you want, because avatars don't die.
Third gender places exist. Some are created for furry creatures (half human, half animal), but a lot are for hermaphrodites (humans or animals). Sissy and shemale communities are found easy.
There is a place in Second Life, named Velvet Crossing or the Sissy Island. It looked like a fancy place for women to hangout, but I noticed that most of those women also had a penis. At that time, I did not know what a sissy is (the word does not exist in my language). I interrogated people from there, all were very friendly. Also, I found in many places, women with a penis. I took it all as a research. It is impossible to know the real identity of the account owner, but it appeared that the vast majority were men to me. I also found a few women. The use of virtual avatars opens a huge door to transgender transformations and sexual minorities.
From all the sex-related places in Second Life, I focused on one particular place: Love Thyself Masturbation Village. It consists of a few buildings, each with various rooms. I liked the idea. Everyone can masturbate in a room, while another one can sit in the same or a nearby room. No touch, no interference. People can talk, but don't touch. From the moment I visited that place, I realized that this is something completely different then anything seen until now. I just thought about this. There, I also went into a few interviews with various people. Further research I've don on the internet shows that for many people, probably about 40% of world population, masturbation gives more pleasure then real sex. Well, it is a good way to satisfy your body's need. Another thing is that, there I found sfenists. More exactly, I found 4 women and two men.
Sometimes I wish such a place to exist also in real world. I think that repeated masturbation can take the hormones out from aggressive men and can possibly temper down sexual aggressors.
I wanted to show Alia - Atan this place, but unfortunately it vanished just two days before I decided to do so. Unfortunately, Second Life is depopulating and many places have vanished.
Also, many friends of mine, from Second Life, have vanished. One of them died. May peace be upon his soul.
**********************************************
So pass the autumn days. I work hard harvesting tobacco and making handmade cigarettes, while Atan goes to the mine and works for many hours. He often returns late in night. We spend only very little time together. There is not much I can do. How I wish this madness will end and we will have a few days together! I want to go back to the lake or spend together a whole day in the house... or to take a trip in the mountains.
I am sure he also suffers because of this. He has to be dressed as a man, at the mine. At home, he is a woman... but now, he is a woman only for a short time, during night.
When the Ottoman Empire attacked Constantinople, it was not the fierce cannons made huge holes in the walls, nor the horde of battleships passing through the Golden Horn that spread terror among the last Byzantines, that conquered the city. It was something small, that brought the Turks in: The Byzantines forgot a small door open. The Turks could not believe this... and after a few days of street fights, they conquered the most powerful city in Middle East.
History Of The Turks
Important note: Starting from this chapter, there are a few explicit scenes that are not suitable for children. Content can be sexy, erotic, but never porn. This is why, from this chapter on, 'audience rating' is set to PG15.
Autumn has come. Trees are starting to get more colored and leaves are starting to fall. Like in every year, I harvested tobacco, from my own production and from the village. I made cigarettes, part for my family (me and Alia - Atan), part for my extended family (my parents and my sisters) and a big part for sale, over the year. Most of cigarettes and huge amounts of tobacco leaves I sold to Stromboli. Now, I am free more time then before.
Trains are coming and going. The coal must flow. The grass (tobacco) must flow. It is a mandatory fact. I am free more time a day, but not the same is for my husband. He has to work much at the mine, as a Geological expert. He now works in the surface mine, which is 9 km from here, but he goes much earlier and returns far late. I miss him. We are together only at night. That is the only time when Atan becomes Alia, his feminine side. But he is always too tired. He only eats, washes and gets to sleep, hardly managing to watch a movie on our laptop. Almost nothing else. I think all day about him and I am afraid that too much work can harm him. Every day, at noon, I send him food and cigarettes by train. He keeps saying that soon he will have a few free days, as his survey will be completed.
I wish we could go back to the mountains, both dressed as women, to sit near the lake or just walk in the forest. Or, at least one free day home. I start to miss our smoky kisses, our gummy kisses, our pantyhose massages, but more then anything, I miss him. Our relation, which is something at the middle between a friendship and a relationship, has grown extremely strong. We are bound together like the atoms in a molecule, like the proton and the neutron inside a Deuterium atom. And talking about atoms, science and Astronomy, I long wish that he will be back, so that we will be talking again. First, there were his long monologues about Astronomy, but now, I have enough knowledge to talk with him about these subjects.
The morning trains have passed. Even if it is too early, I placed his new clothes on the bed, for when he will become Alia. I return in the kitchen. Today, I heard the words 'carrots and apples'. I have both carrots and apples. Well, is it possible to make food with them? I like to make unusual food (and it looks like he enjoys it too). So, why not? Let's try to make a soup with carrots and apples, combined with some handmade short spaghetti... Now, let's make a food more complex, that will contain many ingredients, including carrots. And finally, let's make some cookies. But how about a pie with cheese and apples? Will they taste good combined? I guess so. Add a glass of milk and everything is quite ready... only that Alia will return late from the mine.
I am a sfenist, but we, sfenists, like any human, have hormones. The life of a sfenist is like walking on a narrow path. Your body has the desire for love and sometimes urges you to look and feel, but your soul is wounded and always tries to move away. I always looked at handsome boys, but never came close. Look and not touch. Feel from distance, just like a spacecraft analyses a planet from orbit, but doesn't touch it. Attraction exists in any of us, but there also is a force that says 'stop'. It is just like the protons in an atom. If they are too close, their electrical charges forces them to move away. If they are too far, a force similar to gravity pushes them together. Too close and they will disintegrate. Too far and the atom will break apart.
But now, I feel that I am too far from Atan. I need somehow to get back closer. He feels the same, but has to work. I also feel that he wants to be Alia again, not only while sleeping. I finished cooking and sit in the kitchen. I have a green and black dress, long to my elbows and my knees. My hair is green and I wear demi-opaque shiny tights, with the same color of the skin, with green plastic sandals. He is up in the mine, wearing the same kind of pantyhose I do right now. I light a cigarette, thinking that he might be smoking right now.
I feel my body. I know well what this is, it happened many times to me. I lost my virginity when that infidel destroyed my life, may his soul suffer forever. People might think about me as half virgin, since that happened against my wish and those were the most horrible moments of my life.
At some point in my life, I really don't know when, I started to play with my genitals and I got an orgasm. I had no idea what this is, only that it felt good. For a long time I had been doing this, without anyone knowing me. It took me much time until when I was in high school, other girls were reading a girl magazine. I wanted to read it too, but they did not allow me. Well, I stolen it and read it. That is the first time in my life when I heard about masturbation. Until that day, I had no idea. Yes, I did masturbate. And I am still doing this. How often? Sometimes, once a week, sometimes more frequent or more rare. Never followed a schedule and never counted how often. Some part of me told me that this is not a good thing, while another part told me that it cannot do anything bad.
When I was at the University, I've seen many bad things. It was first the hate I got for men, that grew day by day. I've seen many girls cheated by guys. I've seen guys that seduced a girl only to get to bed with her, then abandoned her. Girls also are attracted by sex and wish to get into a relationship. Well, normal girls, not sfenists. But things are different for me.
At some point, I came to the conclusion: Why do I need a man when I can make myself happy? Why should I allow them to touch me, when the same pleasure I can produce myself? What is the purpose? Why to endure so much, which, in my case, really is too much?
Then, I managed to read the internet about this subject. I got to a survey, saying that 40% of women prefer masturbation instead of sex. And not only, but I found a lot of toys, used for this. Well, I don't have the money for such devices. I don't have where to get such things... and when I was a student, where could I hide them, anyway?
There was once an incident, at the railway depot in Jupiter. they caught a woman masturbating in the depot, using a screwdriver. After that, all screwdrivers were placed in a locked metal closet. It might be only a story, but can be real too. In a village nearby, two women went drunk and they masturbated with carrots... and for a while, nobody there sold carrots. People required sliced carrots. Rumors about girls that did masturbate and broke their virginity this way, are common in these mountains, probably also in other parts of the world. Here, we call them 'disvirginated with the screwdriver' even if they did it with other methods. That got my attention. How to use a screwdriver? It is not a good idea to insert the metal part, which is used to work with screws, that will injure you. The solution is to use the back part, which is made of plastic, is smoother and might feel close to the real thing.
After the noon trains pass, I go back to the kitchen. Nobody is around here. I sit on the bed that we have in the kitchen and take the screwdriver. Should I? Or should I not? Then, I remember that this is the only way to keep my hormones under control. I know that my body produces the same hormones any female organism produces. So... I need to do this. Better now, when I am alone.
I gently take my skirt up, then push my pantyhose down. I like the soft fabric, but in the same time I think that somehow I betray Alia - Atan by doing this. But, am I cheating him with anyone? No... and anyway, I am a sfenist. I cannot cheat him with anyone. So, I continue, pushing the underwear down. Then, I gently touch. Slow and easy. Very easy. Very slow and gentle. Then, I start playing with the screwdriver. First, I insert only 1 cm of its black, plastic holder. Then, a bit more, also moving very gently. Then, more. With one hand I use my fingers, with the other hand I guide the screwdriver. Then, I move a bit faster. So good... Then, as I feel it's coming, I increase speed. And yes! Soon, I reach orgasm.
I take one hand and light a cigarette, still holding the screwdriver inside. I feel a bit exhausted, but pleased. Smoke gets inside my lungs, then to my arteries and vines, to each cell of my body. I remove the screwdriver, but remain in this position, smoking.
Suddenly, the door opens. Atan comes in, in a dark grey costume, with black spots of coal. He must have come by foot!
"My Geological survey is finished. I have a few free days", he says, as he opens the door. Then, his eyes are wide opened. "Nicotiana" he says, then gets out and closes the door.
Oh mine! Oh no! What have I done? I instantly stand up. I get some fresh water from a bucket and wash, then I take a towel and clean myself. Then, I pull my underwear and pantyhose up and arrange the skirt as it should be.
What have I done? I look on the window, he is nowhere to be seen. Has he abandoned me? Has he moved away? As he entered the door, he seen it all. He easily seen it, I was like a porn star, pointed with my organs towards the door.
"You should have stopped doing this a long time ago", says my shadow.
I become agitated. What should I do? I feel like a snowball fallen in hell. The flares will melt me and evaporate me and nothing will be left. How is this possible? How could I have done this? A million ideas go though my mind. Now, Atan will leave these mountains, will return to his parents who are still crying after him. Maybe their prays have reached to the sky. Maybe it is the gods that are doing this for me. Maybe I did something bad, a sin that I have to pay for.
I start crying. What should I do?
"Calm down, Ana", says my shadow. "Calm down, wait him a few seconds to calm down, then come and settle this. If you don't calm down, nothing good will happen".
I light a cigarette. My hands are shaking and tears come from my eyes. Only if I don't lose him. I will stop doing this! I will!
I smoke too fast, so that it gives me a bit dizzy, but works. It calms me. Then, I wash my face... in fact I take my face inside a bucket with water, also making a bit of my hair wet. Despite using a towel, some water flows over my dress.
"What should I do, now?" I ask my shadow.
I would like to get swallowed by the ground, to vanish and never have existed.
"When you do something bad, only a coward will run away. Go and support the consequences", says my shadow. "Respect the unwritten law!"
Yes, I have to respect the unwritten law. Even the mountains, even the clouds respect it. Even the gods do. So, I open the door and step away from the kitchen. I instantly light a cigarette. I listen. A few birds are singing somewhere, the river is flowing. I hear some noise around, then see. A drunk man is walking along the railway and some children are making fun of him, throwing with dirt and rocks in him. Well, that's something usual, children always love to make fun of alcoholics.
I look around. There is no sign of Alia - Atan in the garden. So, I go to the house. When I touch the door, I feel like touching carbonic ice and my body twitches. I enter the shoe room and hear little music. My laptop is working. Should I continue?
Well, I have to take my punishment. I did something bad and have to pay for it.
I always was amazed, from American movies showing people on the death rope. They just move alone to the place where they will die. I always thought this is only in movies, that real people scream 'I don't want to die' and oppose execution. I thought they are carried by soldiers, while they cry and fight with every way they have, to get out of there. Well, now I have to move straight forward and receive my punishment, as anyone from these mountains should do. So, I take a deep breath of smoke and ether the room.
As I get inside, I see Atan has become Alia, with the clothes I placed on the bed. He now is just like me, with a green and black dress, with shiny, demi-opaque pantyhose with the same color of the skin and with green plastic sandals. He closes the laptop and signs me to sit near him. I don't dare to stay quite near him, I sit at some distance.
"I am sorry for what I did and accept any punishment I deserve", I say.
He looks at me, carefully. Then, he says:
"Just come closer. I will not hurt you".
I move closer, but don't dare to get that close as we used to sit.
"Just come closer", he says.
"I cannot. After what I've done..."
He looks puzzled at me, then smiles, then looks down. I think about the highest disaster. Now he will say that we have to go our separate ways. Now, everything will end.
"I don't understand", he says. "Nicotiana, what actually were you doing in the kitchen?"
I look again in his eyes, then look down and say:
"Masturbating".
He twitches, in a way that his eyes are almost rotating in his head. He now looks so surprised.
"Like this?" he asks with half a smile. "Is this how women masturbate?"
"Like this", I answer, with a tear in one eye.
"I've seen in videos, but never had the chance to see one in reality. Wow! Now I understand all".
I drop a few tears.
"Do with me what you want, punish me in what way you feel correct", I answer.
He stands up and comes to me. He leans down in front of me, so he can be at the same height.
"What to punish you? What have you done?"
I cannot rise my eyes to him. All I can see is his feet, his pantyhose and a bit of the dress, but all the image is unclear because of my tiers.
"Because I betrayed you".
His body twitches like hit by a shock wave.
"With who?"
"With me. With my own body", I answer.
He cleans my tears by taking his man clothes, then puts his hands to my shoulders.
"Nicotiana, please, let me help you. How you cheated me with?" then he stops. "I get it. You... masturbated. Well, is that a problem? Is there anything else I don't know? Please tell me, so I can help you. Nicotiana?"
"No, that is all. And I did it. Not only once".
"You've been masturbating in my absence?" he asks. "How often?"
"I don't know. About once a week, I think", I say, still crying. "I've been doing this even before we meet. I am sorry and ready to take my punishment for this".
He sits near me, lights a cigarette and gives it to me, then lights one for himself.
"I thought you were doing witchcraft", he says.
"Witchcraft?" I answer, almost losing all my tears. "Like this?"
"Yes", he answers. "I know about Gipsy people doing witchcraft, using a fish that they insert in a woman's genitalia, then forces a man to eat it".
"You know I am not a real witch", I say.
He takes a deep inhale, blows the smoke and then says:
"So you were not doing anything then masturbating".
"Yes", I say. "Nothing else".
"Ok", he says.
"And I accept any punishment for doing this and for not telling you this".
"Why should I punish you? You did nothing bad in this. Maybe the fact that you did not tell me, but that is not a problem. I guess I was not prepared for this yet".
"You are not angry for this?"
"Nicotiana, I love you. And I am ready even to break mountains for you".
"I thought you will leave me for this".
"So, that's why you were crying", he says. "No, I won't leave you. I love you".
He looks in my eyes, as I take another breath full of smoke.
"I've been doing the same", he says.
"You?" I say. "But I had no idea".
"Yes. I never had the courage to tell you. Sometimes, at night, when I went out of the house, before we got to sleep".
This makes me freeze. I stop breathing, maybe also my heart stops for a few seconds.
"And I did this even before we meet. Sometimes, I felt the shame, like I was betraying you, but now I have the courage to confess you all. Now, you know it all".
I listen his words, thinking about. I never had any idea. Probably the same things work. His body also produces hormones, like mine, but just like me, he is a sfenist. So, no surprise he does this, to keep his hormones in a safe level.
"No problem", I say. "Thanks for telling me".
"We should be more transparent", he says. "We should not hide anything one from another. From now on, Nicotiana, we will not hide anything one from another. What happened today could not have happened if we talked and not decide to hide any secrets".
He hugs me with his hand, in the same way we did many times: down over the back, to the point where he can feel my pantyhose. I do the same. We hang each other with one hand and smoke with the other. A few tears manage to flow from my eyes, but I even see a tear in his eyes too.
"Guess we were not ready to know this yet", he says.
"Thank you for all", I say, releasing another cloud of smoke.
"You've been chewing gum for such a long time and I had no idea", he says. "From now on, there will be no secrets between us".
After he says this, I make a bubble of gum, just as giving him an answer that I will not hide anything from him.
"And you also must not hide anything from me", I say.
"It could be me in the kitchen, but it was you", he says. "You were less lucky, but we both did the same thing".
I hear the radio beeping. A train is coming.
"I have to go to the station", I say.
"I will stay a little in the house", he says. "I need to rest a bit".
I move to the station. The noon train is going upstream. While I wait for the train, I just keep on thinking about want happen. most of all, I think about what could happen. Another guy would have rejected me for this, not Alia - Atan. He accepted me with all this. Who else would accept such a thing? And now I know that he does the same thing. He hidden this from me such a long time, the same way I did. Or is it real? Is he really doing this? Or he just said it to make me feel comfortable.
Before the train comes, I hear another train. This one comes from the nearby mine. They don't have a radio station there, so trains just go blind. I always keep line 1 free, for this event. The train arrives, with 3 engines and 20 wagons full with coal. I sign it to stop and wait for the noon train to pass.
But, just as the noon train becomes visual, I hear the radio beeping again. AL CA CT. Almathea to Callisto, cargo train. Well, it is forbidden to allow a train to pass before you have confirmation from the next station that the line is clear, but sometimes it happens. This way, two or more trains travel one after the other in a convoy, but still distance must be long enough so if one stops, the other must have enough space for brakes.
The noon train arrives to line 2. I signal upstream and downstream stations about the event, then signal the train to depart. It has 3 rusted wagons for passengers. A few people leave the train and find their way between the coal wagons of the train on line 1. Now, I have to wait until the other cargo train comes from Almathea. And I wait, until it arrives here, on line 2. Immediately, I go and change the switch, so that the train on line 1 can pass downstream, I return to the station, radio signal to Almathea that one train arrived and another one will depart to them. Then, I return.
The train that arrived from Almathea has 3 engines and 20 empty coal wagons. He sure goes to the surface mine, but I must ask first. I scream:
"Where are you going?"
"The surface mine", shouts one engineer.
"Let us go, Ana! I am starving!" shouts another one.
I run to the opposite end of the station, to change the switch. Then, I signal the train to go, from there. The 3 engines start pushing their cargo along the industrial line. They move away, forward, matching their speed with 10 km/h which is the speed limit on that line. Then, I change switches again, so that line 1 will be for the industrial line and line 2 will be opened for the main line.
As I return to the station, the radio beeps again. The noon train has arrived to Ganymede station. Good, the line is clear upstream. Then I hear the beep from downstream, from Almathea. All is good now.
I return to the house and it doesn't take much that another train is coming. A cargo train comes from upstream, followed by the noon train. It is returning. Only that this time, Alia is here with me. We passed over the incident. Again, we are two women, staying in the station and waiting the trains to pass. As we have the same clothes and our hair painted in the same color, one might think that we are tweens, even if he is higher then me. A long time has passed since people were looking with strange eyes at him. Now, they all understand us as we are, only that nobody knows we are sfenists.
The evening comes and evening trains come and go, like always. Rusted wagons and old engines struggle to reach their destinations on this old railway. The train is a bit late, because of a horse that was sitting on the railway. Things like these are common, someone tied a cow close to the railway, with a rope that was about 5 meters long... only that the cow somehow got its rope blocked between two rails... and the train could not pass without killing the cow. So, someone had to get down from the train and cut the rope.
Now that the trains are gone, we go to the kitchen and eat. My improvisation with carrots and apples proves to be good. The soup is good, the meal is very interesting, while the pie, I think it went a bit too much on the fire. The truth is that, when you cook with wood fire, the fire is not the same. In some parts, it can burn the food, while in others it will have no power at all. All in one, it was good. And like always, we have milk. Without a fridge, people tend to cook in each day. Things that are hard to store, like meat, are eaten fast. When someone decides to cut a calf or a cow, the meat is sold within the village fast and consumed in the same or in the next day. Anyway, I am not much into meat.
Then, we return to the house and smoke, while watching a movie on my laptop. Alia wants us to make a smoky kiss. At first, I don't want, but after thinking a while, I accept. Our lips touch, then we open a channel and smoke passes from his body into mine. I then let the smoke out through my nostrils. I then take an inhale and we touch our lips again, as I pump smoke into his body.
"Are you ok?" he asks me.
"Yes, I guess I am. Are you ok?"
"Yes. Why should I not be? But you are not quite ok".
"I am just thinking about all what happened".
"Nicotiana, you did nothing wrong".
"I know, Alia, but somehow this was too much for me".
"Too much for you?" he asks amazed. "Is there anything too much for you?"
"Sometimes".
"When we went to the Land Of Dictators and did what we did to that train, I was scared like a cat in a dog exposition", he says. "And you were moving like natural. We changed clothes and identities, we bribed customs and no tension was on your face. And now, because of nothing, it is too much. Come on, Nicotiana! You are a warrior!"
"There is a major difference, Alia", I answer. I helped Stromboli for only one reason and that reason is you, to get to your parents. I did this because I tried to help. But now, it is different. My purpose was not to help".
"No, not that", he stops me. "Back in the Land Of Dictators, what you did... what we did, made may custom officers to retreat, government officials to be arrested and could risk our lives. If anyone knew, we would have been long dead by now. But we managed to survive and do our job. But here, it is nothing. Nobody is going to kill us for this. I really don't see anything bad. After all, so many people do what you just did. Really, it is nothing".
"I don't care. If the whole world goes on fire but you are happy, it is ok to me. But if everyone is happy but you are sad, it is a nightmare to me".
He listens my words, then looks around and says:
"Well, if you keep on this track, you are going to get me sad".
"Ok", I answer, understanding what he means.
"And if you still punish yourself for what happen, I am going to stop smoking".
"You won't", I say short. "You know that when you do that, I will kill you. No matter how much I love you, I will kill you for that. I will have to".
"And I will kill you too if you stop wearing pantyhose", he says.
Only that this time, his voice is different. He is not joking.
"I will wear pantyhose as long as I will live", I say. "And even after I die, I will be buried with pantyhose on me, so that I will wear them forever".
Then, he touches my feet and gives me a short kiss. He lights a cigarette and I light one too. I made him a smoker as addicted as I am.
"I am fine", I say. "I recovered from what happened".
"That is what I wanted to hear", he says.
The night train goes up to the mines. This is the signal for us to get to sleep. Soon, it will be an year since we are together. An year and we still had secrets. And also I am thinking about what our psychologist told us about sfenist relations. At the 3rd step, we will try to explore ourselves, but at the 4th step, we will try an intimate relation, as much as we can without harming ourselves. Are we entering the 4th step now? Is this happening already? I feel like a passenger in a runaway train. I know the railway, I know where it goes and the stations along the line, but I cannot see the railway. Is there an obstacle in front of us? A fallen tree? A missing bridge? A boulder? We cannot see. And we cannot do anything. The train is moving faster then it should be. Will we derail at some point? Will the line hold as we move with this speed?
So many books have been wrote about family life, about couples and relationships, but nobody ever wrote a book about sfenist relations. The only help we have comes from the words of an old psychologist and from the sfenists I managed to find.
There is no love more powerful then the one of a parent for its children. and there is no greater pain in this world then for a parent to see its children suffering (Legend Of Actit).
Mankind can live without scientists, without priests, without emperors, without philosophers, without warriors and without merchants, but it will never be able to live without mothers (An Ancient Prophet).
When a parent is crying for its children, the whole sky is crying. And when a child forgets its parents, the hell opens its mouth (Legend Of Imhal).
Alia - Atan is free a few days, before he will go up to the mines. We use this time, living every second of it. It is autumn, but still is warm enough. We are in the house now. We both are dressed as women, with a white and green knee-long dress and with brown pantyhose. The morning trains have passed and now we enjoy some quiet time. We finished smoking a cigarette and now I open my laptop.
"Any news from my parents?" he says.
He never talked about them for months. I know they are strongly against me and want him back.
"I don't know yet", I say. "Let's see..."
I open his mail address and look.
"Yes, you have a new message. Should I delete it?"
"No", he says. "I think now I have the strength to read them. It's been almost an year since I last contacted them".
"They have been crying and begging you to return".
"I know. But you know as well as I do, that I no longer belong to the world they live in".
I remember. Whenever someone is preying about me, I hear it, no matter to what god that person is preying. For such a long time I've seen his parents kneeling in front of an icon and preying from a book. I could see their cries, their tears. This almost ripped me. But, I open the mail and see. There are a few messages. Two are from former friends, asking him if he is still alive.
"Delete those. I am dead to my friends", he says, pointing his fingers, with green nails, to the screen.
"Ok", I say, as I delete them. "The last one is from your parents. Are you sure you are ready to read it? Many times you just told me to delete them".
"I want to see".
I remember old messages. How many times, they asked him to return? I just remember one:
Please, just leave that place. Leave that witch and those cursed mountains. What is wrong with you? We never harmed you with anything, ever. Can't you see that she is drinking your blood, drinking your money? Can't you see that she is a daughter of Satan? Come back to us and save your soul. Then, another message was like this: We are all alone, waiting to die. There is nobody to say a good word to us. We built this house for you. We worked all our lives to offer you a good life. You are the light of our lives and the reason we exist. Without you, we have no reason to exist. Just get out of there and return to us.
I tried to answer and give them details about our lives. Well, not everything. I told them, for example, that he is working hard at the surface mine and I am worried that he will get exhausted by too much work. And the answer was always a harsh, cruel one. They always cursed me and were extremely rude to me, each time. But I always deleted their messages.
"Ok, I open it now", I say, as opening the message.
From this moment on, you are no longer our child. When we will die, all our fortune will die with us. We don't want to hear anything again from you. You chosen to go to the land of savages and you chosen to marry that witch. Now, it's your life. You are a child of Satan and no longer a child of us.
And for you, witch, may your soul end-up in hell, where it deserves to be. Just tell our former child that we no longer recognize him as our. He made his choice and lost his soul. You both no longer exist and there is no way you will ever have a way back.
"What does that mean?" I ask. "That's why in the last few weeks I no longer felt their preying".
"I don't know", he says. "They just abandoned me?"
"As you abandoned them".
"For a long time, I hoped I could make peace somehow. But they never accepted me as a sfenist. Why does all this have to be?"
"I really don't know why. But this is how it is to be a sfenist. Endless pain".
"I know", he says. "I never wanted anything from them, any of their fortune. All I wanted is them".
He looks up, then says:
"God, why does all have to be like this? I never ever wanted their money. I just wanted a new life. And now, God, you are the witness. I love them. They are my parents and the only thing I had for a long time". He looks deep into my eyes, like asking for help. "The only thing I will never forgive them is that they forced me to sleep with that girl. I will never forgive them for that". then, he puts his hands on my shoulders. "Nicotiana, your parents are different. I know they suffered that you are a sfenist, but they never forced you into something you cannot do. Your parents love you just as much as mine... or do my parents still love me?"
I look deep into his eyes and read his look. He has the eyes of a person who lost someone very important and still hopes that it might return somehow.
"They just abandoned me? Like this?"
"No", I say. "I don't think that. I think only that, for the moment, they realized there is no way to make you return. How could they not love you? I've seen their faces".
"I also cannot believe that they really abandoned me", he says. "Maybe, in a few years, they will accept us as we are".
"That is what I also think", I say. "Maybe now they are starting to stop loving their dreamed model of you and soon they will love the real you".
"Maybe they just gave-up", he says. "Maybe they realized that preying had no effect and I will not return".
"They are willful people that don't accept anything from you that is not according to their plan. But even the hardest stones are eroded slowly. A train cannot walk in a straight line, it must follow the railways. They did not follow the rails and derailed. It will take time for them to return to the tracks. Only that, this time, they will have to follow the line".
"Nicotiana", he says.
"Yes".
"Now, you are the only thing I had. The former me died when we got married. All I have is like memories from another life. But they still remained, as a bridge between the two lives. Now, they died too. You are the only thing I have. I feel like an orphan".
I take my hands and put on his shoulders, in the same way he does with me. Yes, he really has nobody now. And if he would try to contact his parents, they will probably reject him or at least punish him a lot. I realize how he would feel if somehow he will try to return to them... even if, with our salaries, that will be quite impossible.
"I am harder and I basically ran away from my parents", I say. "If not, probably they would have forced me to get married and suffer far more. You remember Inah?"
"Yes, I do".
"Her parents tried to force her get married, when Altha got married first time. But she, just like me, never accepted that".
"Why do we, sfenists, have to suffer like that?" he asks. "My parents took me to psychological treatment, tried to prescribe me medicine... Why all this?"
"That is what is to be a sfenist", I answer. "For a long time, I said that I better have died, then to suffer all this".
"This is true", he says. "This is true, Nicotiana".
"Everybody tries to push us back into the main population group", I say. "Some forces us into psychological treatment, others just ignore our pain and want us to get married, others just don't understand. Some people say it is just a lie and we don't exist".
"But we do exist", he says. "I never knew other sfenists until I found you. We do exist, but nobody talks about us. Believe me, one psychiatrist prescribed me medicine to increase libido. He simply did not believe me. Even many priests, when I went to confess my sins, the first question they asked is 'Are you married?' When I said 'no', they immediately said: 'Then what are you waiting? Or you want to go to a monastery?' Why do things have to be like this?"
"The only people that ever understood us as we are, are people from other sexual minorities", I say.
"You mean homosexuals?"
"You know, they did understand me. I found a few at the University and talked to them. Maybe, because they also belong to a sexual minority, they know how it feels".
"This makes sense", he says.
"Yes, the ones I know, understood me well. Well, I know you hate them because it was a gay who destroyed your life..."
"That infidel was a gay", he says, "but as you said once, there are also gay sfenists. So, accusing them all is not correct. You know that where my parents live, Gipsy people are stealing from cars, minibus vehicles and private properties. But not all Gipsy people do this. So, accusing all of them is not fair. That is the difference".
We sit and look one at each other. Then, I delete the message, without answering anything to his parents. In my mind, a single question remains: What is the biggest suffering ad being a sfenist? Just like when Vesuvius destroyed Pompeii and Herculaneum. What was the worst? The destruction of the cities or the struggle of the survivals who tried to rebuild their lives away from the ash? I guess iy was the second.
"Alia", I say.
"Yes?"
"We just have to keep on going. Just go forward and don't look back. If we keep crying for the past, we do nothing. If we keep looking at our wounds, that will not help at all. I know from my life. We just have to accept what we are, move forward and never look back".
"I guess you are right".
"We formed a family. Maybe one day we will also have children. What should we do? Just burry ourselves in pain? No, we didn't went that far for this".
"Do you think it will be possible for us to have children?" he asks. "I mean, you know how children are made. Or, maybe through adoption".
"At this point, it is impossible. But maybe, in the future, it will. It all depends on us, on what we try to do: stay as we are or keep following our path".
*******************************
In the Civilized World, two lonely parents are sitting in their house, watching TV. They are watching about a recent fight between two military factions in the Land Of Fire, then about a suicide bomb attack in the Land Of Sand.
"That is close to their border", says the woman. "Why did he go to that place?"
"What I don't understand is why you sent him that mail", says the man.
"Why? Because I realized he will never come back. It's been over an year since he left and soon will be an year since he is with that woman".
"Maybe. But still, he is our son. Now, we really don't know if we will ever hear any news from him. At least Nicotiana was sending us a mail at a few days".
"Stop saying that name!" shouts the woman. "That witch is behind all! May she be eaten by worms!"
"Yes, I agree that she deserves that pain, but now we lost our son".
"He was lost from the day he left, but we didn't understand. Why did he go there?"
"It was like something was calling him there", says the man. "He was a good student and was offered a job in America, but refused. Instead, he went to the End Of The World just as he heard about".
"I don't know. Only that I gave-up hoping and trying", says the woman. "You remember that old priest we found? The blind one".
"Yes, I do".
"You remember what he told us?"
"That we did all we could. We prayed and cried and fasted. And if he is not coming back, it means that the will of God is for him to stay there", says the man.
"So, if it is God's will, what could we possibly do?" says the woman. "That's why I gave-up".
"I know, but still I don't want to give-up. Maybe, something will change".
"What will change?" Do you realize? They will make a child there and from that point on he will be linked to that place forever".
"I don't think so", says the man. "There a salary is less then a quarter of what is here. What child will want to live in that poverty? Maybe that is the point when he will return".
"With children made with that savage? That I will never accept!"
"I don't know... but at some point, he is still my son. And that cannot be changed".
*******************************
Here, at the mountains, at the End Of The World, two parents have finished lunch and are resting, smoking a cigarette.
"I see Ana and Atan never had a fight for months", says the woman.
"She is very smart, but despite the look, he is even smarter. He knows how to avoid conflicts", says the man.
"I see she loves him. And I also see he loves her. Even if they are the strangest couple in these mountains. So many people spoke about them".
"Yes, nobody ever seen a man that gets dressed as a woman", says the man. "But still it's good this doesn't happen when he is at work. Honestly, I don't like that part, but as long as he does not harm my daughter, he is welcome".
"I only wish I could meet his parents", says the woman. "Ana talked about them as people extremely rich, but also I understand this is how people are there".
"Even now, I like to call her on her old name. On the name we gave her. I don't know", says the man". That girl died when that cursed tourist came to us. And I am guilty in part for that. Ana is a different person. In many regards, it is like a different soul in the same body".
"I know... but she is our daughter. We have to take care of her, like of all the others".
"Yes, but she is not like the others. You know what she did to Stromboli, to Abdul, to Stallion, to Wizard... to... How many guys did she smashed? I wanted to marry her with Wizard, then with Stallion. And you know what happened".
"Well, she didn't kill Atan", says the woman.
"Not yet".
"And I think she will not do that. Just look at them, they are in love".
"Yes, but what love is that?" says the man. "They stay together in that house, they dress the same, they move almost with the same steps, they smoke together, but where is the love? I never seen them kissing, not to mention what they should do. I understand why they do things like that and I know this is my fault. At least, they are happy, even if I ask myself what kind of happiness is this".
"Do you think I wouldn't like to see them in another way?" says the woman. "I would like to see them like Abida and Aslan. Soon, they will have a child. Even Cemis will get married soon. I don't know if Ana will ever have a child, but at least I am happy that she will not be alone".
"She suffered more then all of us together. I just hope that guy dressed as a woman understands it".
"He suffered probably the same, but in a different way".
"How do you know?"
"Ana told me. Remember, he is also a sfenist. What I don't understand at all, is why his parents never came to visit him for so long".
"They hate our daughter. Don't you remember?"
"Yes, but they love their son, don't you remember?"
*******************************
The evening trains have passed. We eat and then we go back to the house. We listen music, from YouTube. I like meditation songs, like those from Enigma, Karunesh and other New Age genre. Even soft rock, like Nightwish. He prefers not a genre, but fast, happy music. Nightcore and Trance.
As we listen, we light a cigarette. We practice smooth and fetish inhales and exhales. Then, like we did many times, we practice the smoky kiss. We transfer smoke between our lungs, through a kiss. We also practice the gummy kiss, exchanging our gum. And a few bubbles.
With every passing day, our relation becomes stronger, here, at the End Of The World. It is like we've been this way forever. Maybe we were made to be together. We can stay for hours just like this, smoking, making smoky kisses and talking, touching each other, massaging our pantyhosed feet... We touched and explored our whole body surface, except the points linked to the wounds of our souls.
I put back my feet on his lap, while leaning on my back, with the head on a pillow. He massages me. He spends time working on my toes, on my heels, on my ankles, then all the way up to my knees. All this time, I lean on my back and smoke, watching how layers of smoke mix in the tight atmosphere of the room. Then, we change seats and I start massaging his feet, feeling the softness of a pantyhose layer, while he sits with the head on the pillow, smoking. And then, we change seats again. I put my feet in his lap. I move his dress up, so that my feet can feel his.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I just want to adjust position", I say. "Pantyhose on pantyhose".
"So, you want your feet to sit on mine?"
"Yes. I like that feeling".
"Ok, let me help you".
He lifts my feet, then pushes his dress up, placing my feet on his. I like the feeling. His pantyhose fetish is now mine, just as my smoking fetish is now his. He starts massaging me again. Then, I feel something under one foot.
"Is that..." I say.
"What is it? Is there a problem?"
"Yes, something moved", I say.
"Did I do something I shouldn't?"
"No, not your hands. Below".
He doesn't answer, but I see it in his eyes.
"I know what moves", I say, with a small smile. "But I never understood how that organ is actually moving".
"Sorry", he says. "Did you just feel..."
"Yes, I did feel. And not only now".
He moves my feet further, to his knees.
"Don't worry. Only that I don't understand how it is increasing and decreasing in size".
"It is a bit complicated", he says, then makes silence.
We make silence for a while, until I feel again something moving. At that moment, I take my feet out of his lap and sit near him, on the bed. I look at his feet, covered by a layer of brown pantyhose. I watch them all the way to the toes. Up, I know they are under the dress, all the way to the waist.
I take a deep inhale of smoke, looking at his body. My eyes get fixed at his fake breasts. Maybe one day we will have money and a place to buy breasts, that could be glued on him. As we stay one close to each other, I let my head on his shoulder. When we stand, this is impossible, since he is higher then me, but when we sit, it is more easy. He also leans his head to mine, until our green hairs touch one each other.
"Do you feel any anger on me?" I ask.
"No. What for?"
"For when you caught me in the kitchen masturbating".
"Nicotiana, I told you many times that I have nothing to object. And I told you that what you were doing, I also did. And not only once".
I take a double drag, hold the smoke inside me, then blow it in the air.
"Anytime you feel the need to do that, just do", he says. "As I said, I have nothing against. I also do masturbate from time to time. I know it is not good, but... that's it".
"I want to ask you, but be honest", I say, also taking some smoke inside me and blowing it out. "When did you masturbate last time?"
He is quiet for a few seconds, then says: "A few days before I caught you".
"That is enough time ago".
"I guess so. Why do you ask?" he says, looking curious at me.
"I was just trying to understand what made your organ move when I had my feet on your lap".
He doesn't say a word.
"If you need to, don't hide yourself from me", I say. "Remember, we promised that we will have no secrets".
Again, he says nothing.
"How is that you can see inside people's eyes?" he says after about two minutes. "I was planning to do this in a night, pretending I go to toilette, then to tell you what I did in two or 3 days".
"I knew it!" I say, with a smile. "I knew that is why it was moving".
He looks at me surprised and a bit not agreeing.
"Do you feel the need to do this?" he asks.
"Yes and no. But, I don't know. Ok".
"Well, if this is your will, ok. I agree".
We stay a few minutes looking one at each other, like asking 'who has the courage to do that in front of the other?' until I run to the kitchen and take my screwdriver. He recognizes it.
"Ok", he says. "Here goes nothing!"
Then, he lifts his skirt, exposing the pantyhosed feet all the way up. I see a clear bulge there. And at that moment, I remember something. I feel cold in my back, my body starts shaking and I have again that image of something slimy, full with infected worms.
"Stop!" I shout.
He instantly lets his dress down to his knees.
"Are you ok?"
"Alia, not like this! I am not ready for this".
He massages my head, gently.
"Don't worry, it is ok", he says.
"No, not like this", I say.
He takes two cigarettes and gives me one, then takes the lighter. I take a deep inhale, trying to calm down. A single look and my body rejected everything. We smoke until only the filters remain on the ashtray.
"Nicotiana", he says. "I don't think we are ready for this step. Not now, maybe in future. But I have an idea. What if we both go out? It is night now, nobody can see us. You stay in one place and I stay in another, at enough distance one from the other. This way, it could work".
And this is exactly what we do. We get out in the dark. It is a cloudy night, with no stars and no moon. All we can hear are a few dogs barking. We sit about 20 m one from each other. I cannot see him, only his cigarette. And he cannot see anything but my cigarette.
Could this be considered some form of sex? I don't know, but for us, it is. It takes a bit longer then the time needed to smoke a cigarette for me, while for him it was faster. I don't know if this is good or bad, but it is clear that we now have entered the 4th step of a sfenist relation.
After this, we return to the house, but not for long. The night train is going up to the mines. We both go to the railway station, to wait for the train. And soon after, comes a train from the surface mine, one of the last. Soon, that mine will cease operations for this year. Arnold has made his reserve of coal for the winter. We return from the station, we smoke one more cigarette and go to sleep.
In a hospital room, a very sick old man had his bed close to the window. Everyday, he was telling the others what he can see out: children playing, birds flying, trees and flowers. There was a young man, more healthy, wishing that the old man will die and he will take his bed, so he will tell the others what is outside. The old man died and the young one took his bed. But, he was very surprised to see that out on the window all he could see was nothing, just a wall.
From a poetry cenacle.
A cold autumn morning in the mountains. The morning train will arrive soon. Alia - Atan will go to work, while I stay in the railway station, waiting to signal the train to go. I have a feeling something will happen today. I don't know why, but each time I feel something, it happens. So many things can go wrong, you don't need to be an expert to realize that mining is one of the most risky jobs. And now, that they are also digging after copper...
The train comes and goes. These trains are literally crying. Old, unrepaired, with decades lacking maintenance, they struggle to keep on track, on railways that have sometimes never been repaired. Everything is far from safe, far from any security protocol. They are much more careful in the mines, with safety measures, but still nothing is safe. Now, Atan, dressed as a man, is going up to the mines. He is the one that found that copper mining is feasible and insisted on mining it.
Soon after, a cargo train goes upstream, with 20 empty wagons to be filled. After I signal nearby stations in Morse code and let the train go, I watch it disappearing as it moves further away. We had problems with landslides a few weeks ago and we solved them with an improvisation. Hope it will resist... for a while.
A guy, about 20 years old, comes to me.
"You must be Ana", he says. "I need your help".
I look at him. Just the kind of guy that makes me angry. First I look at his shoes: fancy sport shoes, but not assorted with anything else. I look at his baggy trousers and vinyl jacket. He tries to look cool, but he looks in fact horrible. He has a punk haircut, an earring in an ear, a tattoo on an arm and another one that can be seen on a neck. I also smell a huge amount of perfume, a strong, masculine one. Also, I notice a fancy cell phone and some music. Horrible tastes this guy has. And anyway, what to do with a cell phone in these mountains, where no signal exists?
"What do you want me to do?" I ask.
"Ana, I know you have powers. I know how you twisted the mind of a man and make him become a woman", he says.
"Hey, bottle of perfume", I say. "Watch your words!"
"I know you are incredibly powerful and I need your help", he continues.
"Me?" I answer. "I have no power. Actit works through my hands, not me. And you should well know that the power actually comes from Allah, not from me at all".
"I will pay you as much as you need and much more in advance", he says. "Just help me".
"What do you want from me?" I ask him again.
"There is a girl in Ganymede", he continues. "Junit, maybe you know her".
So this is what all is about! I instantly feel his sinful desire. This guy makes me sick!
"Who are her parents?" I ask.
"Her father is Raggra and her mother is Comet".
"Yes, I know them. And I know her too", I say. "I guess I know what you want. But are you worth for her?"
"I love her, Ana. Please, make her want me!"
I look into his eyes and feel him. No, this is not what I would expect. I feel his sinful desire.
"You want to get to bed with her and then leave her!" I say, with an anger in my voice.
"No", he instantly defends himself. "I will never do this! I want her, I love her, but she avoids me".
"No surprise she avoids you, just look at you. I mean, what girl would be attracted by a punk like you?"
"Please, Ana!"
"Do you smoke?" I ask him, thinking that I could convince him to start smoking and make his lungs happy.
"No", he says.
"Then, we have nothing to talk about", I say short. "I mean, that is the minimum level if you want to be a man. If you don't smoke, what can I find, as a girl, good in you? You are still a boy, not a man. Just leave, start smoking and we will talk later".
I light a cigarette, while saying this.
"This is the minimum request for a girl to be a woman, to smoke", I say. "And it is the minimum requirement for a boy to be a man. I am sorry, but if you are not smoking, I will not help you at all".
I take a deep inhale and blow the smoke in his face.
"Please, Ana", he says and takes a lot of money, about 100 $. "I will give you all this, if you help me. And much more! I love her, I want her and I need her!"
I blow another cloud of smoke in his face, as he throws the money at my feet. Some of that money falls on my foot and I move, putting my plastic sandal on top of it. As doing so, I watch my dark pantyhosed toes.
"Please, Ana! I am desperate!"
I take the money and blow another cloud of smoke in his face. Then, I take my lighter and light, putting the fire close to the money.
"Sorry! You don't smoke, you will receive no help. Next time, when you come here, better be a real smoker!"
"I will, if that is the only way. But please, help me!"
I look again in his eyes. I see how he looks at me. Now, time to play a little game. I take a sit in a pretty position and try to tease him a bit. I open a button at my blouse, so that he can see a bit of my breasts, then rise my dress a bit, clearly exposing my knees. His eyes are widely watching me. I see in his eyes a sinful desire, as I pose in an attractive position. I take another inhale and blow a cloud of smoke in his face, then look at the money.
"Ok. I might make a deal with you", I say. But as I said, my power is not mine. Actit works through my hands and the power comes from Allah. So, if they don't want to help you, there is nothing you can do. But, before anything, take a cigarette from me. If you don't smoke, there is nothing I can do.
I light a cigarette and give him.
"Take a little amount of smoke in your mouth. Only little... Now, take air in. Fast and much air... Then, keep the smoke in your body".
He does this, just as I tell him. Then, he does again, only that this time he coughs.
"Don't cough, dumb ass!" I shout at him. "Do it again, but take less smoke in your mouth. When you start smoking, start with only a little bit. You will take more smoke into, when you will be ready".
I keep instructing him, until he finishes a cigarette. By that time, he is so dizzy, that it is surprising how he can stay on his feet actually. At least, I helped him, I made his lungs happy.
"Now, if you keep doing this, you are a man. If not, you are just a boy that looks ridiculous in these clothes. You have to practice every day. And if you don't, then I will make the spell on you, so you will become a woman!"
"I swear I will", he says, scared.
Then, I put the money on a little table.
"I am going to ask Actit if she wants to help you or not. But beware. If your desires are not clean, if your soul is ruled by darkness or if she is not for you, then there will be nothing I can do for you".
"Just try, Ana", he says. "I will pay you anything!"
"I don't do it for money", I answer, almost shouting. "Now, let me concentrate".
I kneel, rising my eyes to the sky. I focus as hard as I can. I put my hands around my head and keep them about 5 cm from my ears, then touch the edges of my forehead. I struggle as hard as it's possible, thinking about this, then trying to send the message into the other world:
"What should I do?" I shout, as tears go out of my eyes. In my mind, I scream as hard as I can, saying "What should I do?" But I am not thinking about how to make Junit love him, I am thinking on how to stop him. I realize all he wants is to fuck her and nothing more. I know Junit, after all. I feel an enormous tension inside me, like I am inside a flame. All my energies are towards Actit or anyone out there that can hear me or help. Then, I see the shrine in my mind and a bright light above it.
"Actit, you hear me?" I whisper, as my whole body is shaking and sweat.
Then, I see the horrible moments of my life. The moment when that infidel destroyed my life, the endless nightmares, the tears on my parents' faces and the endless pain that is to be a sfenist. The images come deeper inside my brain and keep on going, keep on adding. That feeling of boys touching me, with their body made of infested rotten meat, full of worms... I see it all.
I cover my hands and scream, almost ending unconsciousness. He tries to catch me... but I feel his infected hands. His perfume is like the smell of rotten excrements.
"Move away from me!" I scream, as I rise to my feet and light a cigarette.
"You lied to me!" I say.
"With what?"
"You are not going to start smoking. You did this, only to convince me".
At least, this will convince him to become a smoker and will make his lungs happy.
"Ana, I swear I will smoke!" he says.
"Actit has seen your soul. It is all darkness! All you want is to fuck Junit and nothing else!"
"No, Ana", he lies... and I can see his lie in his eyes. "I swear!"
"Stop playing with me, infidel!" I say with anger. "Actit is here. Right now! And she wants to kill you for your sinful desires!"
He looks around, surprised, but also scared. "Where?"
"Just here", I say, looking to my right. "And she says something".
"Ana, please help me!" he says. "I love her!"
"What should I do with him?" I say to my right shoulder. "Please don't kill him!"
He looks more scared now.
"If he smokes, don't kill him!" I say to my right shoulder.
I throw him a pack of cigarettes.
"Here! At least one, every day. If you don't smoke, I will know and she will kill you!"
He takes them and looks scared at me.
"Now, about the money, I will do just what Actit told me to do", I say.
In my meditation state, I seen the money burning. So, I put them in the ashtray and take the lighter. I light them and they start burning.
"No, Ana! What are you doing?" he shouts, trying to get the money out. "You're burning them?"
"This is what Actit told me. Until you clean your soul, you are not to touch Junit, ever!"
"Ana, are you crazy?" he says.
"No, not me, infidel! You are. Actit is the first human and the mother of Adam and Eve. But before anything, she is a woman. She knows your sinful intentions and your false words. You are just pretending. It is not you that loves Junit, it is your penis that wants her!"
He tries to get the money out, but in that moment I go mad. I smash his genitals with my knee. He shouts of pain, but I give him a punch in his mouth, then another one.
"You care about money?" I say, hitting him with a foot in his belly. "But don't you better care about your life, infidel?"
I hit him again, but this time, so hard that my hands hurt, then give him another foot in his belly, then another one, until he falls on the floor. As he falls down, I realize what I am doing. Again, my body acted so fast, that surprises me. And again, it was not me hitting him. It was my body, while my mind was like possessed. What have I done? Again? Well, at least he deserves this.
I look as he lies on the floor, trembling of pain. I spit him close to his mouth.
"You should die, infidel", I say, taking the last inhale from my cigarette. Then, I take the still burning filter and touch his cheek, saying "This is a kiss from me".
He screams at the pain, then rises and tries to attack me. Too late. I manage to hit him again in his genitals.
"You are insane!" he screams, going to the door.
"Just die, infidel!" I scream, coming for him.
But he goes away, running to the railway station. He screams again something... but as he runs, his foot falls into a little crack on my bridge... and he falls into the river. A man with two children is coming and when he sees this, he tries to help him.
"Don't help him!" I scream. "That infidel deserves to die!" I say this and take an axe.
"I'll kill you!" screams the guy.
"Unless Actit kills you first!" I say, laughing.
The man comes to me, with his children. I know him. He is Kerai and he is a bit over 30. He lives in our village, is married and has two children: a girl of 13 and a young boy of 5. They had another child between these ages, but it died soon after birth.
"What happened?" he asks me.
"Nothing!" I say. "That infidel wanted me to make a spell so that he could be with a young girl".
"And?"
"And Actit told me all he wants is to fuck her, then abandon her. So, I said 'no' and he got mad".
"I see".
"So, I burned the money he wanted to give me and he wanted to attack me... And he got what he deserved".
"How much?"
"About 100 $", I say.
"100? says Kerai amazed. Why didn't you take the money?"
"I don't do this for money, you know well".
"You know better, Ana", he says.
"What brings you here?" I ask.
"It is about my boy", he says. "His belly hurts. I think someone made a spell on him".
"Kerai, there might be a spell, but maybe not. Maybe he needs some medicine". I advice the boy to lean on the bed, as I gently take his sweater up and I gently push in his belly. "Does it hurt here? But here?" I ask him, as the child answers.
"What did he eat?" I ask.
"What we all do, but he loves milk with bread".
"That is good, soft for the stomach", I say.
Then, I put my ear on his belly, to hear his guts.
"Could he have worms?" I ask.
"We don't know, Ana".
"I think this is it", I say.
Then I go and return with a piece of garlic and some bread.
"Eat this", I say to the child.
"I don't like garlic", he says.
"Are you a man or a baby?" I ask. "Come on, show us you are a man! Show us how powerful you are!"
The child takes and eats this, then says "Thank you".
I also move my hands around his head, then say: "I don't think he is under a spell. If the problem continues, go to Jupiter, to the pharmacy. There, say that you need a pill for worms. I think that is all he needs".
"Thank you, Ana!" says Kerai, as he gives me two packs of cigarettes. "One for you and one for Actit".
"Do you smoke, Kerai?" I ask, lighting a cigarette and giving him one.
"Yes, I do. And so does my wife. I suppose she smokes too (looking at his daughter), but we don't know. Cigarettes vanish from our packs".
"That is ok", I say. "If she smokes, don't stop her. Try to be a good parent, understand your children. Be her friend, not a dictator over her life".
I also give her a cigarette... and the girl takes it, but doesn't light it.
Well, they go back home and I go to the garden.
Like everybody here, we don't have a fridge (and anyway we could not pay the electricity that one consumes). Instead, we have other means to store food over the winter. We conserve a lot of food in salty water. And a lot of vegetables can be conserved in sand. We have a special building for that, partially buried in the garden. Its roof is not much above ground and covered with a thick layer of ground. The door opens to outside, while inside, in darkness, we have a lot of vegetables, like carrots (and many others, some of them without an equivalent name in English), that can hibernate there. Now, in autumn, I pick plants from the garden and plant them there, in the sand. I work on this, then I start cooking.
Soon, the noon trains will come. Also, my parents will come, as they always do. And yes, just when I am in the station and wait for the noon train to go upstream, they come. I advise them to go to the kitchen and wait me. Then, I return to them. They came with some meat. Someone decided to cut a cow. And like always when this happens, everybody buys small amounts of meat. I pay my part, with 3 packs of cigarettes. This is good, today and tomorrow we have meat at lunch.
The noon train returns, but with a big surprise. It is full of people. Also, Atan comes from the mines. He jumps off the train and hugs me. After I signal the train to depart, we go.
"What happened?" I ask.
"Bad things", he says. "A gallery collapsed. Kong and Alter died".
I knew it! I felt it! Thanks to all gods that Alia - Atan is ok!
"I told you so many times to stop working at that mine!" I say.
"I know, but it is a source of money!" he says.
"Is money more important then your life?" I ask him with anger.
He doesn't answer and goes to the house, to change clothes, then returns to the kitchen, as Alia, to stay with my parents. He now is a woman. He wears a yellow dress, with a black jacket over. He has opaque, light-brown pantyhose, covered with black fishnets, with white open-toe green plastic sandals. Again, we pick to have similar clothes. He has green hair and his nails are painted green. I add him a bright-color lipstick and work a bit with make-up around his eyes. Then, I add a green belt around his body. He looks like a copy of myself. I am dressed exactly like he is, with no difference.
We both light a cigarette, from the same lighter. We take the smoke deep inside us, then exhale in the same moment. My parents also light their cigarettes.
"I see you are trying to copy each other", says my dad.
"Yes, we do", I answer.
"How that you came so early?" asks my mother.
"The roof of a tunnel collapsed", says Alia. "Kong and Alter died".
"What?" makes my dad a sound. "Alter has died? He has 3 children. What will his wife do now?"
"People go there for money and this is what they get", says my mother.
"I told you to stop working there", I say to Alia.
"Relax", he says. "I usually work out, on the computer".
"But sometimes you go in", I say.
"Yes, I do. But I never work with equipment, at best I take rock samples".
"Well, may peace be upon them", says my dad. "How many people have died in those mines..."
"And now?" asks my mother. "What will happen to the mine?"
"It is closed for two days, to see if anything else falls. Then, we will get back, secure the walls and keep on the work".
"Very good", says my mother. "People need a break after this".
"They do", says Alia. "Everyone requested a few free days".
"Was that in the old or in the new mine?" asks my dad.
"In the old", says Alia. "The new one is built in a different way".
"Many people died in there", repeats my dad. "And those who survived, died sick".
"Things will change", says Alia. "Many things will change. The way they dug the first tunnels was really chaotic. Now, we use a different approach. More machines are to be used. It is safer and cheaper".
We talk about what happened, but more about the poor guys who died there. I hope that Arnold will do as always and give some money to their widows. He always gave them something. This is his way to say 'I am sorry'. My mom thinks about their poor children that now are orphans.
What can we do? It makes me cry each time this happens... and happens about once every year, still much better then in past.
The radio beeps. A train is coming from the mines. Most of sure it is cargo train, with coal. I go to the station, light a cigarette and wait for the train to pass. I just think about the tragedy. When I was a child, the worst happened. About 40 people died when a tunnel collapsed above them. But is only mining deadly? Here, in Heptagon Valley, it is coal mining that provides some people with a salary. In Hexagon Valley, it is the forest. How many died while chopping or carrying wood? I know, this is how our lives are, with a sharp axe above our heads. I think about as the train, full with coal, comes here.
"Is it coal or blood?" I ask my shadow.
"Life is like smoke", says my shadow, as I look at smoke getting out of my mouth and nostrils.
"Quite like that", I say.
"And the soul moves away like smoke".
After the train moves away, my parents go back home. I remain here, with Alia. In the evening it starts raining. Their souls are sad to leave.
All the evening, I stay with Alia, which now explains me the new, much safer technology. We don't feel the will to do anything, only to think about what happened.
The strongest relation in a couple is made by imitating and understanding each other. If the two try to imitate each other, wear the same things, speak with the same words, have the same gestures and walk with the same steps, the result is a relation so strong that not even fire nor ice can break it. At that point, each one thinks like 'what can I do to make the other one more happy' and tries the best to improve everything. The reason of your existence is your partner and its reason to exist is you.
A forgotten philosopher, over 3000 years ago.
Because of an accident in which two people died, the mines are closed two days. This means Alia - Atan is now here, with me. He will not be going to the mines. So, he will be Alia, his feminine side, all this time. We wake-up and eat breakfast: bread, cheese, an egg, tomatoes and a few other vegetables. We both are dressed in the same kind of clothes. We have a black jacket, covering a green blouse. We have a black knee-long dress. Our feet are covered with black opaque tights and over them we layered green, demi-opaque pantyhose. We wear white open-toe plastic sandals, with platform heels. They are about 2 cm high at the toes and 7 cm high at the heels. Also, we have green hair and green nails. We added some lipstick and little make-up. Now, we both are women. Only his voice betrays him... and I still don't know how could I change that. His fake breasts work very well, under any clothes.
We both come to the railway station, to wait the train. Without miners, it will come and go almost empty. While I wait, I ask Alia a favor, to go to the shop and buy something that I ordered. He goes.
******************************************
"Can you go to the shop and get my command?" asks Nicotiana.
"Sure", I say. "What is it?"
"It should be some clothes. I give you half of the price, you pay your half", she says.
"Ok", I answer, as I start to go.
By now, I know all the corners of this village. It doesn't have what others might call roads, just dirt trails and paths. There are also many shortcuts through gardens. In other places of the world, this would not be possible: someone to take a shortcut through someone else's yard and garden, but here, it is all natural. I jump over a small fence, then walk on a path surrounded by grass, then open a small door and reach a road full of mud.
When I was a boy, in my previous life in the Civilized World, I always wondered how could women walk on high heels. Nicotiana told me: "Put your weight on your toes, not on the heels. And walk with smaller steps". Well, doing this in a city is one thing, but walking on muddy roads and on slippery grass, is another thing. What is good is that people accept me here as I am, half man and half woman. And what I also like, is that people here say hello to anyone. It is a sign of respect to hail everyone on the way. Here I see some people.
"Hi Ana!" says an old woman.
"Hi! Not Ana!" I answer.
"Oh, sorry Atan", she says.
"Hi Atan!" says a man trying to repair a fence.
"Hi!" I answer.
Not saying hello to someone is like you cursed that person.
The shop is now in front of me. Well, is it a shop? In fact, it is more a pub. Well, people come to talk, drink (tea, alcohol), to smoke and to hangout. It is also a shop. Except for the lot of mud in front of it. Two horse carriages are here. The horses are waiting their owners to return. On one side, there is a small concrete bowling line, while on the other side there are a few bicycles waiting. A drunk man is in a ditch, while two children pour water from the road in his ears. Children love to make fun of alcoholics. I have been here a few times, usually dressed as a man. As a woman, I only came with Nicotiana. It is the first time I come alone dressed as a woman. I enter. There is some smoke in here. A few people sit around two tables, playing chess. Others are talking.
I hear on guy, with a punk haircut, with vinyl jacket and baggy pants, talking:
"And you believe me? That bitch started to attack me! She hurt me, almost broke my balls! I want to kill her! I offered her 100 $ and she burned them! I want my money back!"
"Relax", says one man near him. "You will never get money from her!"
"Just be happy that she didn't kill you", says a woman.
"Has she killed other people?" he asks lighting a cigarette.
"Yes", says the woman.
Then, this guy looks straight at me and says:
"There she is!"
People around start to laugh.
"I'll kill you!" he shouts at me.
"That is not Ana", says a man. "That is Atan, her husband".
"What a fuck!" he says, with opened eyes. "What is that thing?"
I go to the bar and Ahmet, the seller, gives me a plastic bag, while I pay him.
"Hey, baby!" says the guy. "Want to sleep a night with me?"
I look at him, then move away.
"Are you not dead already?" I say.
"I'll kill you!" he shouts at me. "What's wrong? Is the skirt too tight?"
"I only speak with people that deserve to be spoken with, not with infidels like you", I answer and move away.
At that moment, he jumps over the chair to attack me. I crouch, make myself as small as possible... and he just runs over me and falls down, heating a wall with his head.
"I'll kill you!" he shouts again and comes to me. Without knowing what to do, I grab his hair and pull as strong as I can. Everyone laughs at him and one guy pours hot coffee on his clothes. The next second, he moves away, but I have some of his hair in my hands.
"Tell your wife that I'll come and fuck her, then I'll kill her. Next, you are on the list, bitch!"
People laugh at him, while I say:
"Where are you from, stranger?"
"Land Of The Sands", he answers.
"Better go back, boy. Anyone here can kill you!"
I move out, but he is still mumbling something there.
As I return, I am amazed by this. All my life, I was a punching bag. All bullies at school punched and bitten me over and over and I never dared to answer. When I was in 5th and 6th grade, some guys, after writing something on the chalkboard, returned and cleaned their hands of chalk using my clothes. Even the teachers were so used to this, that they no longer reacted. They even placed a bad boy near me, so that he will cool his nerves beating me in the classroom. But now, I am changing. I never ever gave a punch to anyone. I was a lonely schoolboy, staying in class during brakes or staying along in the schoolyard. My fun was to draw imaginary maps. And now... look what I am doing.
I realize that my parents are guilty of this, without wanting this to happen. Their strong personalities left me without any room for my personality. They never wanted to do anything bad to me... but they did. After my whole life of being dominated and suppressed, now I am finally free.
As I return, thinking about this, I see two women shouting one with the other, they know what for. At some point, one gives a punch to the other, who answers back with a hit. In other parts of the world, I should try to interfere or call the police... but what police exists here? I let them fight. The unwritten law says that you are not allowed to interfere between other people unless one is your friend or you clearly see that it is an abuse.
I return home. I give the plastic bag to Nicotiana, who opens it. Two pairs of leggings. She is in the kitchen, cooking something and smoking at the same time. I tell her about the incident and she laughs of that infidel.
"Good that I made him smoke!" she says. "He will die in these mountains very soon, just wait".
I hear the radio beeps. A train is coming.
"Go to the station, I will do the work in the kitchen for you", I say.
"Please, can you go?" she asks me. "I need to be careful doing this food, not to burn it. Ingredients stick to the bottom".
"Ok", I answer.
She told me how to use the radio station and how to signal the trains, but I've never done this before. But, it doesn't look hard. I go.
At the station, people start to come, to take the morning train to the capital. Honestly, I like people here. They are so communicative! They are happy and always talking, making jokes and having an opened heart. It is such a difference compared to the Civilized World where I once lived... in another life. There, people have some sort of anger. They are always talking that the minibus service is making delays (even if they have one minibus every 30 minutes, while here there are 4 trains a day, at 6 hours). There, people are obsessed that their salaries or pensions are low... but people here have at least 5 times less money and are making fun of it. There, people are literally intoxicated by their TV news programs, which throw venom through the screen, while here people are more interested in their daily lives. And of course, there, people are forbidden to smoke in public vehicles, in pubs, parks and even railway stations, while here, everyone smokes publically.
I talk with a few people, until the train comes. Back, in the civilized world, I would not dare to get into such a rusted train and I would keep distance to other people. But here, to be honest, I love these trains and these people.
I run in the station and signal upstream and downstream stations, as Nicotiana did so many times (only that, much slower). Then, I go out on the platform.
"Hurry, Ana, I am getting late!" shouts the train engineer.
"He is not Ana!" shouts someone.
"Sorry... Atan!" says the engineer, as I signal the train to go.
I watch it going downstream, then return. I don't think I traveled 10 times with a train before coming here. At that time, I was convinced trains are something that must disappear, slow, fashioned and useless for modern civilization. Now, I love them.
******************************************
As Alia comes, I finish doing this food. I take it from fire and while still boiling, I put it into jars. Food for the winter. Many things can be conserved this way. We go to the house. There, I take new clothes for us to wear, including these leggings.
"Today, we are going to be two house women, making preparations for winter", I say.
We start to undress. Then, I say:
"Stop!"
He stops immediately. We are completely undressed.
"Are you ok?" he asks me.
"I am fine. You?"
"Fine. What happened?"
We are both completely naked, only he has his fake breasts that I made from a bra filled with ripped clothes.
I light a cigarette and give him one.
"Can't you see?" I say.
"What? That we are completely naked?"
"Yes", I say. "And how do you feel?"
"I just want to put something on me".
"You still don't get it?" I say. "We are both naked and we look one at each other".
He looks surprised.
"And we have almost no repulsion about this. Nicotiana, this is incredible! But why? Why we can stay like this?"
"I have no idea".
"Let's stay a few minutes, to see how long we can".
We smoke a cigarette. I sit on one bed and he sits on another, completely naked. For the first time in my life, I see the body of a man as it is... well, except for the fake breasts. With painted nails, lipstick and painted hair, Alia - Atan still has something feminine. A woman with the body of a man. What my eyes fall on, is his penis. Is this how small it is? How strange! Not only that it is so small, but also looks soft, something like an empty balloon.
"I think that, if we don't touch and there is nothing erotic about, we can stay like this", says Alia.
"I don't know", I say. "I feel a small repulsion, but only small, to exposed skin. Do you?"
"I feel repulsion to sweat, but your body does not smell like sweat. A bit of repulsion, maybe".
As we finish smoking, we put on some clothes. This time, we wear light-brown pantyhose, more transparent, so that we can see our nails. These black leggings are tight to our feet and they end at half distance between knees and ankles. We have white low platform plastic sandals, with open toe. We both take a green blouse on, that covers our arms all the way to the elbows. Then, we add my favorite green lipstick.
"Ok, lady, let's go make food for the winter!" I say.
We go and start cooking. In the kitchen, I am the boss, he does what I say. Well, I noticed from the beginning that he does what I tell him to. It took me time to realize that this is because of his parents and their powerful personalities. Alia - Atan never had time to develop his own personality and ended-up with a truncated behavior. We've been together for an year and now he is slowly changing. In past, anytime I asked him something, he first moved back, then tried to answer. Anytime I said something, he said an unconditioned 'yes' first, then started to think.
We filled another set of jars with food. Now, we have a big metal pot boiling on the fire, waiting to be ready. We sit on the bed and light a cigarette. As doing so, I watch him. It is interesting that now, with these leggings, I can almost always see a little bulge in front of his legs. I notice that sometimes it is growing or decreasing in size. I've seen this at horses, male horses that are not castrated.
He figures out that what I am looking out and says:
"Nicotiana, if there is a problem, I can wear a skirt".
"No, Alia, it is not that".
"It is not comfortable", he says.
"If you want, you can wear a skirt. I am just trying to figure out when your thing grows and when it shrinks".
"I cannot answer this clearly", he says. "It just happens".
I light a cigarette, keep the smoke inside me and then blow it towards the roof. He lights one too.
"Does something similar happen to you?" he asks.
"You mean if anything grows? No, not at all, but we feel something. And it just happens, I cannot say clearly why and how".
He takes a drag of smoke, then lets it out through his mouth and nostrils.
"Just let it grow and shrink as it wishes", I say, taking another inhale. "I think this is the best way for us to see what are our limits".
"Ok", he says. "As long as it doesn't affect you".
"Do you feel anything that makes you increase distance?" I ask.
"What do you mean?" he says, blowing a long cloud of smoke.
"I mean, think about when we were naked in the house, about now, about anything".
"Yes, a bit", he says. "Exposed skin does something to me. But more then this, it is the smell of human sweat that repulses me. Well, if it is combined with the smell of pantyhose, I have nothing against", he answers, taking another inhale of smoke. "Touching, is another thing. Touching covered skin, covered with clothes, even pantyhose, is ok, but touching exposed skin, is not ok".
I make a small bubble of gum, then take a drag of smoke.
"I think that is the critical point for us", I say. "Well, if you were a man, I mean dressed like a man, I would have long stopped you. But as a woman, I can get much further, I don't know how far".
"Take your time, Nicotiana", he says. "We've been through all this and it took an year for us to reach this state".
******************************************
After the evening trains pass, we eat and return to the house. We take the fire from the kitchen strove and fill the strove in the room, to heat the atmosphere a bit.
The next moment, we light a cigarette and practice the smoky kiss and the gummy kiss. Our lips touch and smoke moves from one's lungs to the other one's. And so do our pieces of gum, which at some point touch one each other and got mixed. We also do a few kisses, shorter or longer. We kiss and smoke, then again kiss and again smoke. It takes nearly half an hour... until he touches my breasts. He didn't want, he knows that my breasts and my neck are my sensible points. My body twitches and I move away.
"Is everything ok?" he asks.
"You touched my breasts", I say.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to".
"No problem", I answer, blowing smoke in his face.
And as our lungs are full with smoke and endless clouds of smoke surround us, our feet are also touching and even gently massaging. Leggings on leggings and pantyhose on pantyhose.
At some point, we try to make a smoky kiss, but I push the smoke too fast in his mouth. He coughs as the smoke gets our through his nostrils. This makes me laugh, as his gum falls out of his mouth. I take it and put it into my mouth, then I take my gum and put it into his.
I lean on my back and put a pillow beneath my head, while my feet are on his lap. He starts to massage them, focusing more on the part covered by pantyhose and not on the leggings. As this goes on, I smoke. Clouds of smoke rise in the room, encircling both of us. And like before, beneath one of my feet, I feel his penis, increasing in size, even twitching a bit. I relax. I finish this cigarette and light another one, then smoke it all the way to the filter. He is so focused on my feet... all until I make a bubble of gum. At that moment, he looks at me.
"Do you want to change seats, Nicotiana?" he says.
"Yes", I say.
We change seats. Now, I am massaging his feet, while he sits on his back, with the head on that pillow, smoking and chewing gum. I like massaging his feet. It is something between another girl's feet and those of a man. Maybe he is something in the middle. A transgender. I keep a cigarette in my mouth while massaging his feet. At some point, ask falls on our feet. My hands gently push the ash into the smooth fabric of pantyhose and leggings, until it vanishes. Soon, I finish the cigarette, but I keep on massaging him.
We continue doing this for more then usual. And from time to time, I look at him. His face looks happy, fulfilled. All continues until the radio beeps. The night train moves up in the mountains. I have to go, but he comes with me.
We go to the station. As we wait the train, we stay close one to the other, on the bench. Our feet are touching. We hold each other with one hand, on the low part of our backs, so that we can feel where our leggings end. It is impossible to feel where our pantyhose ends, but this is enough. I put my head on his shoulder. I have a single cigarette and share it between us.
And then we kiss again. Our mouths have such a strong smell of smoke, incredibly strong. How much have we smoked today? Nobody knows.
It starts raining.
The train comes. It is only a small diesel engine, with one wagon for passengers. No cargo wagons are going now to the mine. At 3 AM, only this small engine and this wagon will return. Then, we go back to the house. The train is our signal to go to sleep. And not only for us, for the whole village.
"Nicotiana", he says. "I go out".
"I think I know why", I say. "I felt your organ growing and twitching. You need to masturbate".
"Yes. And you know we must have no secrets".
"I need to masturbate too", I say. "Only that outside it is raining. What are we going to do?"
"Well, you stay here and I go to the kitchen".
I say nothing.
"Why not you stay here and I go to the kitchen?" I say after a few seconds.
"I wanted to be more polite. We could try both in the same room, but I don't know if our bodies will accept this actually".
"We could stay today naked together", I say. "Who knows?"
"I have an idea", he says. "What if we stay both here, but in a way that we cannot completely see one each other?"
"How is that possible?" I say surprised.
"Well, you move to a bed, I go to the other one, but we cover ourselves with something. We could easily use a blanket".
"We can try", I say.
"We have enough blankets", he says, picking two.
"Ok", I say. "Just wait me to get my toy".
I go to the kitchen to pick my screwdriver. Then, I return to the house. I sit on a bed, he sits on the other one. We put a pillow on our backs and lean to the wall. We cover the middle of our bodies with a blanket, so that part of our feet, our heads and our breasts are out.
"Let's hope it works!" I say, as I start pulling my leggings down, then my pantyhose, then my underwear.
"I think it will work!" he says, probably doing the same. I can see his blanket moving.
As doing this, we both light a cigarette. I do this slowly, as usual, but doing it with someone close to me makes me a bit nervous. My body does not oppose me and this is really amazing. I blow a cloud of smoke under the blanket, to the place where my body is generating its pleasure. There, my hormones are now getting set under a level of control.
I look at Alia. Who could think he is a man? Even now, he looks like a woman. I see his pantyhosed feet moving slowly. I can see where his leggings end, but I don't see his knees. The blanket is moving with a rhythm and so do his breasts. He is holding one hand under the blanket and with one is moving his cigarette. his head, with green hair and make-up, look like of a woman. Even more, his fake breasts are visible.
I notice that his movements are different then mine. The pleasure is increasing and I again blow smoke under the blanket. He does the same, seeing me. Soon, our cigarettes burn to the filter. He moves faster, then immediately takes an empty pack of cigarettes under the blanket. I see a twitch on his face. His movements are slower now, until he stops.
"I am done", he says.
I feel the pleasure increasing. I increase the speed and make more ample moves. With one hand I hold the metal part of the screwdriver, while the back, the handle, is inside me. With the other hand, I gently massage the outside. Then, I feel an increase of pleasure. My whole body is feeling it, like a flame consuming me completely. What a deep pleasure!
As my body calms down, I feel exhausted. I slowly remove the screwdriver and look around.
"I am done too", I say. "Let's go to the kitchen, to wash".
Even if we masturbated in the same room and at the same time, even if we stayed naked face to face, washing together in the kitchen is too much for us. I let him wash first, then I go. When I return, he is nowhere. He explains me that men cannot reach orgasm unless they give out their fluids. He went to the river and threw the empty pack of cigarettes, now full with his fluids, in the river, washing away all tracks of what happened.
We return to the house, smoke one last cigarette and go to sleep. However, after all this, sleeping is the last thing I want. I know he is here, in the bed, near me. I know what happened, something I never thought possible. We reached this level after an year.
This is how sfenist love grows: extremely slow. I know we will never get to the level of a classic couple, where you see real sex occurring weekly or even more frequent. Probably we will never ever have real sex, but we still have something. We have our own happiness, we have our own moments, we have our love and most of all we do have a very strong affection bounding us together.
I just cannot go to sleep. And Alia also cannot sleep. We smoke a few cigarettes during night. But, in the end, we end-up sleeping. When the 3 AM train comes, I hardly awake. He also wakes and comes with me to the station. The train comes, just an engine and one passenger wagon. On the platform, 3 people are waiting the train to come and step in. Then, we return to bed.
"What we did is a trillion times better then when my parents forced me to have a relation", says Alia.
"It was something amazing", I say. "I never thought it to be possible".
Sexy, not porn. Watch, but not touch. Love, but not sex. This is how it is to be a sfenist.
Anger kills pain, pain kills kindness, kindness kills strength and strength kills anger.
Dreaming builds ambition, ambition builds power, power builds pride and pride builds death.
Ancient sayings.
It is now winter, between January and February. It has been over an year since we are together and since Alia - Atan got the citizenship. We live together in this remote village, at the End Of The World. But I see some pain in his eyes. I know where it comes. From his parents. For a long time, they cried and prayed for many hours that he will leave me behind and return home. I seen them only once in my life... and they tried to attack me. I am not angry on them and I never been. I wish this could be solved in a better way. His parents will never accept that their son is married with me, with a poor girl (compared with them), with a smoker and a witch. For a long time, I sent them messages every a few days, telling them things from our daily life. I hoped this will, at least, show them that he is ok. All I got from this, was a lot of ugly words and curses. Then, at some point, they said that they no longer recognize him as their son. And ever since, they never sent any response message. About every 15 days, I continued to send them news from our daily life. No answer. Just like they died. Then, recently, I received a message, a small one:
Don't call us ever again. You are both dead in our eyes.
I laughed. I usually don't put much heart into things like this... anyway, they are not my parents. For Alia - Atan, this was a huge shock. He needed time to recover. He even cried. I understand him. I would have cried too, but my parents will never do such a thing to me. Without me, he is completely alone now. I tried to make him closer to my family. Unfortunately, I need to stay close to the railway station, but I invited my parents many times in the evening. Even my sisters came often to us. A few times, he went to my parents alone. They are friendly with him and by now they really have nothing that inside the village he dresses like a woman. Nobody has anything against him. Well, some people make jokes about this, but it is not a problem for him. He is now fully integrated in our way of life. He also laughs at their jokes and makes his own. However, I feel that making my parents get closer to him, is not what he wants. What should I do? I have a talk with my sister Cemis and she comes with an idea. We should go for a little trip. So, I talk with Alia - Atan about this and he accepts. We will go to the Land Of The Plains, where the nomads live. And when he gets a free day from work, we go. Cemis agrees to stay at the railway station for us. I make the preparations for this.
We depart with the 3 AM train. I am dressed as a woman, but Atan dresses like a man. He needs to be like this for when we will cross the border. A man dressed like a woman will be suspicious for anyone. It is better this way. The train consists of a diesel engine, a wagon for passengers and 30 cargo wagons, filled with coal. It is all dark outside. We can see nothing. Inside the wagon, there is no light. People want to be like this, so they can take a nap. The train is struggling not to derail, with all its cargo. These trains are literally crying, screaming and trembling on the rails. Inside, you are pushed up, down or sideways, even at their speed which rarely increases over 20 km/h. When your eyes adapt to the dark, you can see contour of the mountains and a few other things out on the window. When you approach a village, at this hour, you almost see nothing. There is no street light and people close their lights during night. It is too expensive. Stations come one after the other: Almathea, Adrastea, Themisto, Leda, Himalia, Elara, Carpo and Metis. At each station, more people climb aboard. I hear their voices, but cannot see their faces in the dark. Some are talking, some are smoking, but most of them are sleeping. The only light you see from time to time, comes from the controller, who takes money and cuts tickets to passengers. He has a small lantern. Almost all wooden benches are occupied by people and a lot of boxes are now placed between and under benches. Since we almost have no roads, the train has to take all passenger and cargo traffic. It is vital for us that trains will continue to move.
Finally, Jupiter station arrives, with its red and cracked walls. It is dark outside. People step out of the train and walk on the snow and ice outside. Other trains arrive here too, from other valleys. The place becomes crowded, not only with people, but mainly with the boxes, baskets and bags they carry. Two men fight to upload some furniture in a train, while a few women download plastic bags with cheese. Trade starts from here. Some staff doesn't even go to the market. Well, we hurry to our next train, which will take us over the border, to the Land Of The Plains. I know the way. We go to the train and check our regional passports when we get in. It is not a long journey.
Both capitals are close. Between them, there is a large river. And just after we cross the border, we see Chiron station, where the thermal plant is located. Here is burned all our coal. In past, there were nomads here, but now they live in towns and villages. They are richer then us, but not by far. Their trains have the same age, but are more repaired. Their railways allow trains to pass with 40 to 60 km/h. Railways are dominant here too, but they also have roads. Well, their roads are full with holes, anyway. Our land and their land are strongly connected, economically.
It is morning when we arrive at Saturn, their capital. The station is yellow. We step out of the train and find an officer to sign our regional passports. Then, we hurry to a stationed train, where Atan can become Alia. Dressed so, we move out from the station.
We avoided to dress completely in green or to get dressed the same, so that people will just consider us two women passing by. Also, we had to consider that it is winter here. It is a bit hotter then in the mountains, but still cold. We layered a few clothes on us. On top, I have a black, long winter coat, that covers a green sweater. My hands are covered with red gloves. I have a black knee-long dress and I wear the green thigh boots, that rise higher then where my skirt ends. Alia - Atan insisted me to wear them, but he already knows that beneath them, I have black opaque pantyhose covered with leggings. Hope this will keep me warm enough. Alia is dressed with an artificial fur white long winter coat, that covers a pink sweater. His hands are covered with black gloves. He has a brown knee-long skirt. Just like me, he has green thigh boots. Beneath them, I know that he has brown opaque tights, covered with leggings. Also, since we are in a Muslim area, we cover our heads with a hijab. Then, I apply him a light tone of lipstick and little make-up. First, he used too much make-up and in strident colors. Now, he no longer does this, but still I like to do him the make-up. As a woman, you have to be soft and gentle, not to transform yourself into a porn star.
We start walking on the streets. At first, we walk hand by hand, but then I tell him:
"We have to walk like two women. I don't want people to think we are lesbians".
We move forward. Not far from here, there is a park, with a small lake in its middle. Now the lake is frozen and people use it to dance on ice. We find a bench where snow has been removed and we eat the food I packed from home. Then, we both light a cigarette.
"Just over there is the high school where I went", I tell him.
"This far?" he asks. "Was no high school in Jupiter?"
"Yes, there was. But I am a sfenist", I answer, while both smoke and steam get out of my mouth. "I wanted out. I wanted to rebuild my life somehow".
"It must have been hard to go this far", he says. "You crossed a border, after all".
"I did. But Abida was also at high school and she was in some problems. My parents don't have much money, so I had to find a way", I say, then take the cigarette to my mouth.
"I know what solution you found", he says, showing me his cigarette.
"Yes", I say. "In the morning I was at school, in the evening I used to sell cigarettes. Then, I started to sell tobacco leaves". I take some smoke inside me, hold it for two seconds, then blow it out. "I carried sacks of tobacco leaves on these trains, about twice a week. It was risky, but funny".
"Wow, Nicotiana! How many things you've been through... Contraband from such an age..." he whispers.
"What did you expect me to do? Cry?" I say, as another cloud of smoke gets out of my body. "The worst of everything is to cry. You just have to keep on fighting. And if you cannot fight, retreat, regroup and find another option".
I notice he looks at my boots. I look at his, thinking about the layered encasement inside them.
"I've seen a dog that lost one foot", he says.
"In an accident?" I ask, taking the cigarette to my lips.
"No".
"Was shot?"
"No. He had an infection and the doctors removed the foot", he says.
"What? They operated a dog?" I say surprised, so surprised that ash falls from my cigarette to my skirt. "Well, at how rich people are in the Civilized World, it is not a surprise".
"Well", he continues, "the point is that, even without a foot, the dog tried to live its life, like nothing happen. Yes, he had problems while moving, but he just ignored anything".
"Well, that is something from what we have to learn", I say. "And mainly you".
I see his eyes opening a bit more then usual and a small movement on his face, below his make-up. He takes the cigarette and puts it between his lips, covered with lipstick. I instinctively take another inhale. Then, as he removes the cigarette, he says:
"I think you are referring to my parents".
"Not to them, but the example with the dog can be good even for your problem".
He moves one foot over the other, whispering: "Nicotiana..." I feel the sadness inside him.
"Just wait", he says in the end. "Just wait, one day or another, they will change. This phase cannot last forever. I've seen this. I've seen parents that closed any ties with their children because they married someone they were not allowed to. And I've seen parents that came and bitten the unwanted partner of their child. Not only once, many times. Things change when a child is born, but not completely. Usually, they accept new children, but strongly indoctrinate them with hate against their unwanted parent. And in many cases, children grow with that hate. Believe me, it is the best that they are too far away from us. If they were here, our lives would have been a nightmare". Then, he takes another puff and says: "In the end, after 10 or 20 years, they accept all and no longer fight. They sometimes come alone to their children's families".
Something hit me like a bomb. He said about children. Well, like any woman, I want to have children, but as a sfenist, how could I? It is almost impossible for a sfenist to have a child.
"Do you want a child?" I ask.
He looks at me surprised.
"Me? I never thought about this. I really don't know. Do you?"
"What else is the purpose of life?" I ask him. "At some point, it will have to happen".
He takes one hand and puts it on my knee, feeling the boot, like trying to feel the pantyhose layered beneath.
"I don't know if it is possible", he says.
"I also don't know", I answer. "Maybe, for you it is easy, to produce some fluid, but for me, to insert them in my body, I don't know if I am ready. One day I will be, I hope".
As saying this, I take the last two drags of smoke. All this time has passed and he never thought about a child? I never expected this. Are we a family or what? Well, for any other people, it is so easy to make a child, but for a sfenist, it is a completely different story. It might not even be possible at all, to do it in the natural way. I never even dared to think about that. An artificial method should be the only way. Hope that time will come sooner or later.
"Don't worry, Nicotiana", he says. "One day, we will try it. But not now, not yet. We are sfenists and we both know what this means. It took us an year until we could masturbate in the same room, but to get to the point of making a child, we have a long path to go. I just hope that, until next year, we will be ready. But even if this will not be possible, we still have each other".
"Do you think it will be possible?" I ask him.
"I don't know, but I hope".
"Hope is the serpent that slowly kills whatever remains alive", I say.
"No, Nicotiana", he answers to me. "Hope dies the last and hope keeps us going".
"Hope dies the last, because by then, everything is dead", I answer him, as I light another cigarette. "Hope is the serpent. Don't you know the legend?"
"I do", he answers. "You told me".
Legend Of The Snake is about a woman that had a husband and a son. Both went to war, but in fact fall in love with a witch and her daughter. At some point, the woman found out where her husband and her son are. The witch could not kill her, but instead made her suffer more then ever. So, the witch made a spell and a snake appeared. The snake came to the woman, to torture her over and over. The snake was whispering in her ears: 'your husband and your son will return one day', but in fact they never returned. Slowly, the snake made her suffer until she died. In my language, we have two different words for hope, that can be translated as good hope (hope for something that can become reality and will be a good thing) and bad hope (for something that cannot become truth or if it can become, it will harm). Also, in the end, the witch killed both the father and the son.
"Just like that infidel that tried to fuck Junit", I say, with a smile in my face.
"Who?" he asks. "Ah, I remember. The one in the bar, that I tore his hair".
"Yes, that one", I answer, laughing. "What a jerk! Well, this is how males with too much testosterone end-up. Pathetic".
"I heard he died", he says.
"Yes, Alia", I answer. "He tried to take the hand of a woman, possibly even rape her. But her husband was home and... you know what happened".
"I know. And I also know Junit went recently to our house".
"Yes, she did", I answer with a happy smile. "I told her to never feel sorry for that infidel. And I also learned her to smoke" I say, taking a big, satisfied dose of nicotine.
"Can anyone survive around you without starting to smoke?" he asks.
"No", I answer short. "And will never do. After all, smoking is a good thing. What do you say, now, after an year of smoking? Do you regret that you started?"
"No", he says. "I only regret that I didn't start earlier".
We both take a smoke inhale.
"What I don't like is that people kill each other in these mountains. And nobody does anything", he says.
"Is that a problem?" I ask, looking in his eyes. "As long as they don't try to kill you, what do you have with them?"
"Yes, there is a problem", he says. "You know what happened during Orthodox Christmas Day. Two miners got drunk and started to beat each other. It was a nightmare on the train. Some were so drunk, that they stepped out in the wrong stations. But what amazed me is that people just ignored them".
"And you know that in that particular day a train derailed because the engineer was too drunk. Come on, that is drinking day. Everyone knows".
"Yes, but I think this is too much. Well, nobody attacked me in the train or at the mine. I guess that is all what matters".
"Yes, that's all what matters", I answer. "By the time we were home and finishing eating, some drunk miners came to their homes and started to beat their wives and children. Oh, I hate alcohol. Smoking cannot do anything bad, but alcohol has absolutely nothing good in it". I take a dose of smoke, then blow it away. "Alcohol is the blood of Satan. Well, I know that most popes and priests will argue the opposite, but there is a catch. At least in Orthodox Church, people receive a small spoon with bread and wine, symbolizing the blood and flesh of god Jesus. You hear this? Only a small spoon. And I agree that that spoon really contains what they say. But, come on! What is a spoon and what is a bottle? Do you think drinking a bottle of wine will bring you closes to god Jesus? No, it will bring you closer to hell".
"I completely agree with you", he says. "Alcohol is good for nothing".
As it is getting cold, we start walking again, on the snow-covered streets. We are Muslim women, walking on the street. All other women look the same, with winter coats and a hijab. Nobody bothers with us. People come and go, to wherever they go, passing close to us. We keep on walking and reach the main street. No vehicles are allowed here, only people. They walk in all directions, they look at the many shops around, smoke and talk. Children are happy and play with snow. We stay for a bit here, enjoying to see some children playing in the snow. Alia seems to be even more happy then me. Then, as we feel the cold entering our bodies, we go to a place.
Once we enter, I immediately notice something. It is a hookah! I don't even look around, just go to it and take a sit, inviting Alia near me.
"Is it functional?" I ask.
"Yes", says the barman, coming to me. "How much do you want?"
"Make it long", I say.
"Ok. What flavor do you want?"
"Something sweet, if you have. Just make it last as long as possible".
The barman starts working on it. You can bring me the best clothes, the most refined food in the world and probably 10 tons of gold, nothing will work better like smoking.
"Nicotiana, calm down!" says Alia, looking at me. "People will say you're crazy".
"It is their problem. I know what I want".
"Nicotiana?" says the barman.
"Yes, that's my name. Nicotiana Ana", I answer.
This makes him laugh, but I don't care. Well, it takes a bit and the hookah is ready. I take a lustful deep inhale, until I feel my chest filled to maximum. A cloud of smoke gets out of my nostrils, while I take another inhale. Alia tests the smoke, takes a small inhale, then another one. I think he likes it too. How much time passed since I last smoked like this?
We both sit here, on a coach, smoking through tubes. In the room, there is also a TV set, pointed to a news channel. The news are like always: car accidents which always happens, a derailed train which is something usual, husband kills wife, wife burns house of husband's lover, children disappearing, economical crisis continuing (as it has been ever since), bridge falls over a horse, someone killed for stealing cattle... only things like this. If you watch this staff, it will get you in a state of addiction and thinking the world will end soon. Well, not for me. Alia - Atan told me that anywhere in the world you see news like this. So, it is normal. It is normal that from a million people someone will kill someone, even if this is far more frequent here. Then comes something very interesting, about a bomb attack in the Land Of Dictators, resulting with a few deaths and much more injured The attack was caused by Sanders. This is interesting, because a group of Sanders crossed our village a few weeks ago. They went over the mountains. At that time I suspected they wanted to reach the Land Of Dictators, but had no idea what they are up to... if they ever survived climbing the mountains in winter. Why didn't they dress like everyone and travel by train? With all boxes that transit on these trains, you can probably pass even nukes, if you are smart enough.
Well, soon the hookah ends and we leave. We go to another park, much larger. Here, we reach an alley where there is almost nobody. We light a cigarette and step on a bench.
"Sanders in the Land Of Dictators?" whispers Alia. "Are not them those we seen?"
"I don't know, but they could be".
"Oh mine, this place is more dangerous then death itself", he says. "I was surprised how polite they were. Really surprised me".
"What did you expect?" I say. "What I don't understand is why didn't they take the train. Wasn't it more easy then climbing the mountains?"
"Well, as you told me. It is their problem. And as long as it doesn't interfere with us, I have nothing against them. May them blow-up the whole world!"
I laugh at this. Also, I make a bubble of gum. "Like this!" I say. Then, I take smoke in me and blow it in the air. "You need to be a bit crazy, if you want to survive here. But relax, they will come and go, not hurt us. I mean, we are far too poor for them".
"Those railway bridges are collapsing anyway, no need for a bomb", he says, while also blowing some smoke.
We both laugh, even if I have something sad in my eyes. These railways, even as damaged as they are, are vital for us.
"Better take an airplane and jump into a sky-scrapper", I say.
"Nicotiana", he says, looking at me without any smile. "Where were you when those airplanes hit the Tween Towers?"
"I was at my parents' house, in the kitchen", I say. "I remember the evening very well. The TV was on. I was doing my homework and also I was smoking. My sisters and my brother were there too. I clearly remember that Cemis was near me. She needed help at her homework. Then, we seen on the TV. It was on mute. Well, Abida seen it first and said: 'What a stupid pilot! It ran into a building!' not realizing what is happening. Then, we watched and Cemis said: 'Change it, I don't like action movies'. At that time, we only had 4 programs on TV. But on all, it was the same".
"At that moment you realized it was true?" he asks.
"No. I just concluded it is a commercial for a new movie. I got upset that it is not ending. Then, we started to watch, but Abida says at some point: 'Where are the good guys?' she was expecting Superman to come and save people from the towers. Still, for a few days, I believed it is a movie. And so did many people. It took two weeks for my parents to believe it. Many people did not believe it to be real".
"This is how people took it?"
"Everybody thought it is a joke. I mean, who could do such a thing? And even if it were real, why nobody opened fire at those airplanes? Better kill 50 people in an airplane then 5000 in a building, plus the passengers". I play a bit with my cigarette, take a smoke, then continue. "People were so convinced that it is a fake, that children started to play with toy airplanes, made of wood, to impact trees and objects. And when we got convinced it is true, people started to laugh. What everyone said is 'How stupid could they be, not to shoot those airplanes before?' or 'How stupid are they, not to see this coming?' People, going to chop a tree, used to say 'I go to cut down a few sky-scrappers' and laughed. Nobody realized that so many people died there. People here are not for or against any part of the Civilized World, they just don't care. Only that they see it as a paradise".
"Damn paradise! Thousands of people died in those sky-scrappers".
"Well, I told you how people seen it here. How did you?"
"Well, I returned from school, I was learning in evening at that time. I went from my room, where I was doing homework, to my dad, to ask him something. And I seen it. I believed it from the first moment and watched how the second plane hits a building. I watched until my parents urged me to go back to learning. Then, in the morning, I could not remember if it were real or not".
"Did people believe it?"
"Yes, from the first moment. Some thought for a few minutes or hours that it is a movie".
"People here still laugh and make jokes of this. Not because they love or hate the Civilized World, but because leaders of the Civilized World could not see this coming... and so, appear far more stupid then makes sense".
"But I've seen people celebrating the attack, in the Muslim World", he says.
"Alia, come on. It all is about brainwashing there. Here, nobody celebrated anything. Boys have a game: they throw with stones to a target. And at that time, they called their stones 'airplanes' and their targets 'sky-scrappers'. Land Of Fire is not too far from us and I know what is going on there, if you want extremists and brainwashed people".
We start walking again. This time, we take another route, along a street with concrete blocks of flats. We slowly move back to the railway station. As we move, other people come and go. Again, nobody has any idea that Alia is in fact a man. For everyone, we are two women walking on the street. But, when we reach the railway station, I realize he must change.
I take a different approach, maybe a risky one. There is a river nearby. So, I advice that we go there. Sometimes people go under the bridge to take a piss, so it won't be surprising. We go there and he changes clothes. Well, he just takes off the skirt and replaces it with trousers, letting the thigh boots remain hidden beneath. He takes out the gloves and the hijab, then we change our coats, because his is a bit too feminine. Then, he takes out the fake breasts. Yes, he has a pink sweater, that definitely is feminine, but the coat will hide it. We put all in a plastic bag and take it with us. We move back to surface, where a guy sees us and says:
"Where is the other girl?"
"She is dead, below the bridge. Go and find her!" I answer, as he really goes down.
"Why do men have to be so stupid?" I say.
"Because some of them need to be castrated", answers Atan.
We return to the railway station, then we take the train over the border, back to Jupiter. And from there, we have our own train back. Only that, this time, Atan changes fast, as there is nobody in the wagon. He is back Alia. And we will travel like this all the way home. We are back traveling with our old, rusted train.
"There is nowhere better then home", I say.
"Yes. Back to home with us".
"Hope Cemis made some fire. If not, all will be freezing in here".
"Nicotiana", he says, "thank you".
"For what?"
"For what you.ve done to me".
"What exactly?"
"Well, you know I suffer for my parents", he says. "But now, something cured me. I mean, just look around. People die in these mountains everywhere. You know what is going on in the Land Of Fire, how people are crucified there. Even in the Civilized World you are not safe. Just think about those airplanes that hit sky-scrappers. Well, this is the cure I needed".
"What? To see an airplane impacting a building?" I say, laughing at the idea.
"No. What really helps is to see how much other people are suffering. At that point, you see that your pain is nothing. My parents have abandoned me. I don't accuse them, maybe I deserve it, maybe they also deserve what happened to them. But still, I lost nothing compared to others. I am alive, I am healthy, probably my parents are also in one piece. We have a home, we have what to eat, we are not sick... But, more then anything, we have one each other. And that is the most important thing in the all known Universe".
These words amaze me. Yes, this is the most important thing in the all known Universe: that we are together and there is no force able to separate us.
The evening train arrives to our home. We jump down. Cemis did a great job at the station and she even tried to remove some of the snow. I thank her for the help, then we hurry to the house, to see what need to be done. There is a little fire in the kitchen, but nothing in the house. We eat, then go to the house.
"Do you really think that one day we will have children?" I ask him.
"Limits are an illusion of our mind", he answer. "Isn't it one of our ancient sayings?"
'Our?' I ask myself. This means his assimilation is complete. He now considers himself one of us, speaks the same language and shares the same unwritten law.
"Yes, it is part of our saying", I say, while also lighting a cigarette.
"Based on what happened since we are together", he says, "I think it is possible that, in some time, we will be able to have a child. But it's going to be a very long road to this".
He goes and puts some small branches on the fire, then larger ones. It is cold here, since nobody made a fire today. Steam gets out of our mouths. As he sits now, I clearly see his back and his boots. Then, he returns near me.
"It is too cold", I say. "But we should change clothes".
So, we change to evening clothes. This time, we decide to look identical. We both take a green knee-long dress, with yellow sweater over it. We take the long gloves. We wear a double layer of opaque tights. Since it is so cold, we move into the bed and cover ourselves with a blanket.
"Nicotiana?" he says.
When I turn my head to him, he touches my lips with his and he starts pouring smoke inside me. A smoky kiss! I let the smoke enter my body, then I breath it out, gently. But he doesn't stop and takes a fast drag, then pours again some smoke inside me.
"You make me your filter?" I ask, smiling.
He answers nothing, but takes another inhale and again pours smoke inside me. My body receives his smoke again. Then, I take a smoke. He comes with his lips close to me, but I just exhale in the air.
"Take your tongue out!" I say.
As he does this, I take my cigarette and let the ash fall on his tongue. He takes it in, chews it and then smiles. Then, I take a drag of smoke and stick my lips to his. We do another smoky kiss. I feel the smoke entering his body, then he lets it out through his nostrils. Then, I take another inhale and fill his lungs with smoke. And then, he says:
"Now, you take your tongue out".
I do as he says, as he drops some ash on my tongue. I take it in and chew it, mix it with my gum. Then, I take another inhale and make a bubble of gum, filled with smoke.
"Bubble with smoke, gum with ash", I say.
He smiles. We kiss short a few times, then again exchange smokes between us. And again we eat each other's smoke. And again, until all ash from our cigarettes gets inside our mouths. Our tongues are now partially black. And our gums are grey, with a completely different smell then before. I try to make a bubble but fail. The fabric of the gum changed. We do a gummy kiss, then. We exchange our pieces of gum. He also tries to make a bubble but fails.
So, I take two new pieces of gum, for both of us to chew. I then make not a bubble, but only cover my tongue with a layer of gum, that might have became a bubble.
"Wow, I never done that", he says.
"It is easy", I say.
He tries, then does it.
"What if our gummy tongues touch?" he says.
"We can try".
And we do this. We kiss and while doing this, our tongues touch for the first time. Well, not directly, covered with a layer of gum. But as our mouths move away, the gum sticks together and we make a small wire that connects us.
"That is nice", I say. "How about two bubbles touching?"
We do that too. We make two bubbles that touch, then stick together. As we do this, a trail of gum connects our mouths and we have to break it.
The evening train returns from the mine. We both take a winter coat on and go outside, wearing plastic sandals. He signals the train to depart, while I radio contact nearby stations. Miners returning from work, step out of the train. They all know us.
"Nice skirt you have, Atan!", says one of them, to Alia.
"You look sexy, girl", says another one.
"Thanks", says Alia. "See you tomorrow at work!"
This is how some people speak with him. They don't offend him, but sometimes make jokes.
We return to the house. Alia puts some coal on the fire. We both step into the bed, then cover our bodies with the blanket.
"I am freezing!" I say, as my body is trembling of coldness.
We stick closer, under the blanket. Our feet are touching and even hugging each other. Our hands are touching too, only our bodies are not getting that close first, then they do. We need some body heat. We get closer and hug, but both are gentle with our hands, not to touch each other in our sensible points. I must not touch his back, he must not touch my neck. Even after we have been so long together, it still is not possible to cross this barrier.
We light another cigarette and smoke it completely, also doing a few smoky kisses, sometimes followed by simple kisses.
When I look in his eyes, I see only little passion, compared with the sinful and lustful desire I've seen in many other guys. A little, not much. Sexy, not porn. This is good for me.
Then, we do something else. We move under the blanket, with the ashtray and light a cigarette, careful not to ignite the blanket, which is made of artificial wool. There is enough light here. With one hand, we keep the blanket up, while with the other, we keep our cigarettes close to the ashtray. Also, we stay in some sort of squat position, so that our knees are near the belly. So, we also can see our pantyhose, while our feet are touching. Also, our knees are touching. Each time we exhale, we blow smoke one into each other. There is no other way. The air gets so fast filled with smoke, that it becomes hard to breath... but we don't give up until we finish our cigarettes.
Then, we do another type of feet massage. He moves with his head towards my feet, while I also am with my head at his feet. We start massaging each other. It is a smell of sweat, but also combined with the smell of pantyhose. Somehow, it is not repulsive. As doing this, I also light a cigarette. With each inhale, I blow the smoke towards his feet. With two layers of opaque tights, there is no way to see his toes, but I know they are here. I feel them. And I feel him, touching and massaging my feet. I also feel him lighting a cigarette and then some heat at my toes. He must be doing the same thing, heating them with his smoke. This continues for a while.
Then, we lean on our backs, but on opposite sides of the bed. We both put a pillow behind our backs, so that we can see each other. Our feet are clearly touching each other. He has one foot over my belly, almost reaching to my breasts, while I have one foot a bit over his belly. And with that foot, I feel something. I feel his organ, growing and twitching slowly. While staying in this position, we light another cigarette. We smoke with one hand, while with the other we still massage one foot of the other person. This continues for a while.
He gets out of the bed to put some coal on the fire. Then, he returns. He struggles a bit to get back in the same position and I help him do this. What surprises me is that his organ is now small. Now, I find out that touching it with my feet is not a problem, but touching with any other part of the body might be. We still don't know what our limits are.
I move a bit, to get another cigarette and the lighter. As I do so, I move my foot and feel his organ increasing in size. Touching has any effect on it? For me, it has. I yet don't know for men, but as a woman, I cannot masturbate without touching myself. I heard about girls having orgasms without touching, but it never worked for me.
He also moves, to take a cigarette and a lighter. He takes his foot away, then as he tries to get back into position, moves it beneath my skirt, touching my genitals. I feel some pleasure as this happens, but some part of me says 'stop'. For a second, I see something like a lake filled with worms, ready to digest me. I see the slimy snakes that haunted my nightmares after I became a sfenist. It felt good, but I am not letting it to continue like this. I don't want to dream again those snakes, to shout in my dreams, to scream and to suffer. So, I gently take his foot and put it above my skirt. I feel the strong, double layer of tights that cover his feet, the same that covers mine. For a second, I see his green nails, the same with mine. As I put his foot above my body, I see another image: myself, crying, shouting and twitching, attacking him with anything I got. He tries to help, but I shout 'Get away from here'! Oh mine! This is what would have awaited me if I would let him touch?
"Is there anything wrong?" he asks.
"You touched my genitals", I say. "So, I moved your foot in a safer position".
Then, we again change places. He moves back, so we stay face to face. We again do some smoky kisses, gummy kisses and classic, short kisses. Then, after we finish our cigarettes, we remain in a strange position, with our foreheads and noses touching. Our hands and feet are also in contact. We remain in this position for a while.
The radio beeps. The night train is moving up. We both go to the station. There, in the cold air, we keep on kissing and doing smoky kisses. The train passes and we return, back to the warm blanket.
Then, as we sit in the bed, we hug, to get some body heat. Now we are completely touching each other. Well, he moves away and twitches.
"Is everything ok?" I ask.
"That just was too much for me", he says. "I am not ready for this yet. I don't know, my body just rejected this".
"No problem, I know how it is".
His feet hug my feet, as a response.
"I think we should sleep", he says. "The 3 AM train will come as usual".
"Ok", I say".
"We've been kissing for over 3 hours", he says.
"Oh yes, we did! And this is happening more often".
"Yes, Nicotiana. It is like we want to keep this going up forever".
"You know why, Alia".
"I know".
The reason this happens is because in a classic couple, hormones accumulate and then are released as sex occurs. But in a sfenist couple, this never happens that way. Hormones accumulate and makes the two be together. A huge affection accumulates, that binds the two together, in a very strong relationship, but never or almost never ends-up. It is like a plant that keeps on growing.
"I think my hormones increased too much", says Alia.
"I know what you want. Mine also are too high".
The only suitable way for us, is to masturbate. We cannot do anything better. I don't even dare to think about what would happen if we try something more. Only that, it is still cold in the room. So, we try this, together, in the same bed. We move to some distance one from the other, so that only our feet can touch now. The only thing we can see from each other is our heads, everything else is beneath the blanket. I focus on me. I pull my two pairs of pantyhose down, so that I will have space. Then, gently, I start working, like so many times, with the back of my screwdriver. On the other side of the bed, he is doing the same thing. I do this gently, as the handle gently enters my body. I also light a cigarette and hold it between my lips. I move it deeper, also touching the outside of my genital area. The pleasure starts to be felt, more and more. For a second, I think about my body. Smoke enters me through my mouth, towards my lungs. Second, I have some chewing gum, that many people don't know about. Third, I think about my feet, covered with two layers of opaque tights. Fourth, I think about my unusual green hair, that I love so much. And 5th, the fact that I am masturbating with the back of a screwdriver. My body is partially artificialized. Then, I look at him. My feet touch his pantyhosed feet and feel how they are moving.
Well, I finish the cigarette. I put the filter on the ashtray, then I take my hand, to help. The pleasure gets more intense, then reaches its maximum. I reach an orgasm. My body feels it just like a flame is moving through me. Just like a hurricane passed over myself.
When I look, Alia is still moving. He didn't reach orgasm yet. He start moving faster, realizing that I got it before him. Oh mine! This is really fast, as I can see the blanket moving and his whole body. With my feet, I massage his feet, to encourage him. Also, I light a cigarette. He hurries, then takes an empty pack of cigarettes and... everything is done. He remains about a minute in this position, then.
Well, like it or not, now we go through the cold, to the kitchen, to wash. Again, he goes first, then I go. Then, we enter the house and go to sleep, without saying anything. We are tired and tomorrow he must go to the mines.
As I go to sleep, I still remember the moment when my memories went back with the horrors from my past. The nightmares during night, the pain and suffering in day time... I realize how hard it is. We have nothing against if we touch certain parts of our bodies, but one wrong move and... nobody knows what can happen. I just hope my body will not react like with all those infidels that I attacked.
And the hardest question remains: Will we ever be able to have a child?
Time repairs any weakness and heals all wounds. Still, time cannot heal quite everything. A missing leg or a missing arm will not grow back, but time will help you live with this.
The Wiseman
It is spring. It has been raining for days. Up in the mountains, the snow is melting. Our river, which you can pass by walking with plastic boots, now is much larger. At 3 AM, when I go to the railway station for the night train to pass downstream, I notice water almost reaches my bridge, which is at 1.5 meters above water. Then, at morning, when Alia - Atan should take the train and go up to the mines, I notice water reaches the bridge and in the middle even passes over it. We go to the station, even if the radio did not beep. It should. We now have no electricity, but railway stations are equipped with a car battery for emergency, so the radio can work a few days even without power. Then, the radio beeps, saying a message in Morse code:
AL AD IO MISSING BRIDGE TRAIN RETURNING JUPITER PLEASE FORWARD AND CONFIRM (Almathea forwarding: Adrastea to Io. A bridge is missing, the train is returning to Jupiter depot. Please forward the message and confirm you received it).
I send upstream the message, to Ganymede station: CA AD IO MISSING BRIDGE TRAIN RETURNING JUPITER PLEASE FORWARD AND CONFIRM. Then, I send to Almathea, the nearest downstream station: CA AD CONFIRMED AND FORWARDED LINE CLOSE TRAIN RETURNING JUPITER. Each station upstream is sending then a confirmation through me, to Adrastea. About half an hour later, we receive a message from Jupiter, telling everyone that the line is closed, the mine is closed, until situation cleared.
Between Almathea and Adrastea, there is a bridge that collapsed some years ago. The miners replaced it with two tree trunks, then layered rail sleepers above the trunks, then placed the rails. We all knew this is an improvisation that will not resist for long. Well, now the bridge is missing, so anyone knows what happened. And we all know it will take time, at least one week, until the bridge will be back in place. Until then, the mine and the railway are closed. Passenger trains will still pass between Jupiter and Adrastea, in morning and evening, providing a minimal service, but until some sort of bridge is placed, no train will reach up here or to the mines.
We try to return to the house, but there is no bridge. All we can now do, is to walk upstream, until we find another bridge still above water. Then, we go through the wet grass and tree branches, back home. Now, we have a few free days.
As we arrive home, Atan changes into Alia. He takes off his trousers and other man clothes and I give him woman clothes. He now wears a yellow knee-long dress, over a green blouse. I have the opposite, a green knee-long dress, over a yellow blouse. We both have our feet covered with a double layer of pantyhose. The first layer is black, opaque. The second layer is demi-opaque, green for him and yellow for me. And we wear white open-toe low platform sandals. Then, I add a black belt around our bodies. We both have green earrings. I remember how he shouted when with some help from my sisters, we made him holes in the ears for this. But still, it was nothing compared to when I removed his body hair. That day, I've seen tears in his eyes. Well, by now, he got used to this. Now, time for a little update: we both apply a light red lipstick and a little make-up. Perfect! I also have a few bracelets, made of pieces of plastic linked with n elastic that resemble gem stones. There is no way anyone here could afford to wear original gem stones. They are mostly green, with some yellow and red. I put one at each hand and one at each foot. Alia does the same. I like that they are assorted with our nails.
We sit on the bed, looking out on the window. It is raining. There is nothing that we can do outside. We have no electricity, so we cannot use our laptop to watch a movie or have some activities on the internet.
"It looks like we are stuck here in the house for a while", I say.
"I can see that", answers Alia. "I think these will be extremely boring days".
"Well, 100 years ago, people had no electricity... in fact 30 years ago, for these mountains".
"So, what are we going to do?" he asks.
"Smoking", I answer, as I light a cigarette and give him one.
"Well, if you want, Nicotiana, I cannot refuse you, I am too addicted", he says, lighting the cigarette.
"Like we are not already smoking the whole day", I say. "This is the advantage of being a smoker. When you have nothing to do or when you want a break, you smoke".
"That's right", he says, blowing smoke in my face.
We smoke one cigarette to the end. Then, I come with an idea. We have a small closet nearby. This is a game we played a few times. We get in the closet and close the door, then light a candle inside. It is too small and we cannot stand. We sit face to face, with our knees placed between us and touching. We put the ashtray on the knees and light a cigarette each one, then start to fill the air with smoke. We start to get surrounded with clouds of smoke very fast. Also, the air is getting less and less breathable. After we finish a cigarette, we light the second one. The air becomes more unbeatable now. I notice that Alia keeps his eyes more closed, the smoke is irritating him. Not me. I like it. We light a 3rd cigarette then, even if the air is getting too filled with smoke. Breathing becomes difficult, until at some point smoking becomes almost impossible.
"I need to get out", he says.
"Just breath with your mouth opened", I say.
He lets the cigarette still burning on the ashtray. I take it and struggle to smoke two cigarettes, to make the air even more filled with smoke. Hardly, I finish it. Now, we only breath this thick smoke, with our mouths opened. This continues for a little bit, until he opens the door.
"We made it for longer this time", I say.
"Yes, we did", he says, "but I don't feel ok. It is too much".
"I am happy that we made it this far".
We go back on the bed, where we stay a bit, then smoke another cigarette.
"No surprise you are Nicotiana", he says, touching my knees with his hands. "You are transforming me into a thermal plant.
"That is true", I say, as I put the filter in the ashtray. "Also, you made me wear pantyhose all last summer, even in the hottest days".
It doesn't take much and we light another cigarette. This time, we do a few smoky kisses. He pours smoke into my mouth, then I fill his lungs with my smoke. We also kiss many times, with short or longer kisses.
As we finish this cigarette, he takes my feet in his hands and says:
"Yes, I made you wear pantyhose all summer and also you will do the same next summer".
"Yes, I will. Just hope you don't want to encase me with many thick layers in summer".
"Not in summer", he answers. "But while it still is cold outside, I might. I see two layers. Why not 4?"
"Ok, if you want to challenge me", I say.
I open the closet where we keep our pantyhose supply. We have many. I take a few pairs for me and a few for him. We layer more. We now have 6 pairs each, on top being a black opaque. Wow, this is pressure on my feet, but more pressure I feel around my belly, more exactly to its left and right. Then, we take a few ripped pairs that we still keep in the house and make a cut between the feet, then cut the end of each foot. This way, they are transformed into a top. We take our dresses and blouses out, then put on these tops. Wow, they sure make a pressure around the neck! What is surprising, is how much body heat they keep at your hands. Overall, they also give a black opaque color. Then, we put our dresses back. 6 pairs of pantyhose tops.
"Have you ever tried this?" I ask.
"6 pairs on the feet, yes. But I never layered more then two top pairs", he answers.
"Well, I hope this makes you happy".
"Sure. It is amazing. This is something I never tried".
Only that it hurts my neck, my skin more exactly. But if this makes him happy, I will do it.
We light another cigarette. The smoke gets into our bodies and then out. I instantly notice something different. Smoking while you are encased is different. It is like more smoke can enter your body. After finishing a cigarette, there still is some room for another one. Well, it has a medical explanation. Nicotine decreases heart activity and blood pressure in the brain. By using something to compress the body, more blood gets out of your feet, hands and breasts, to be moved towards the brain and heart. In fact, you feel an increase of energy and also a need to smoke.
With all these layers, I feel more difficult to move. It is hard to make fast moves with your feet or arms. And it feels very hot, that I start to sweat. Alia touches my feet and my arms. I do the same and feel what a pressure pushes on his body. It makes me wonder what makes him feel so happy being squeezed so tightly. He sure enjoys watching and touching me this way.
Then, I start another game, that I never played with him. We take 5 cigarettes and remove the filters for the first 4. We force each cigarette to fit into the next one, creating a very long one, with a single filter. We do two such long cigarettes and give them a light. We smoke these extremely long things. As the first one is burned, you feel nothing. If all five are linked together and no smoke is lost, you can exhale some smoke, but it is so strongly filtered by the other four that you can completely fill your lungs with it and feel like it is air. When the second one starts to burn, you start to feel something, but by now, if you are so addicted as I am, you feel the need to light a separate cigarette. When the 3rd one ignites and the first two are ash, you start to feel some smoke reaching you, but still feels like if you are smoking slims. When you reach the 4th one, the strength reaches a level of a normal cigarette and increases fast. With the last one, it is really hard. I tried with many people this, but usually I was the only one that could smoke the last one down to the filter. Well, we continue until only the filter remains. Wow, this is hard! What amazes me is that Alia also manages to finish all up to the filter. It is rare to see someone doing this.
We go out, to see the river. It keeps on raining and water is above the bridge (if that bridge is still there). My parents will certainly not come today. Then, we go to the kitchen. Today, I planned to wash some clothes. So, I make a fire and put water on it. Then we return to the house. I cannot wear all this encasement. So, we only let a pantyhose top and the original two pairs on our feet. Much better now! I've seen on YouTube someone layered 100 pairs of pantyhose, but for me, that is clearly impossible. Then, we return to the kitchen.
As the water heats up, we keep doing a few smoky kisses and even a gummy kiss. How much smoke we exchanged between our lungs? And how many times our already chewed pieces of gum moved between our mouths? Then, we wash clothes together and we cook something.
Watching Alia washing clothes and cooking is interesting. He is such a copy of me! With a cigarette in his mouth, he is doing the things a woman should do. Maybe it should have been better if he were born as a woman. Or maybe not. Probably it is better the way he is.
Then, we finish and come back to the house. We smoke again. We try to imitate each other, smoking at the same time, with the same moves and keeping the smoke inside the same amount of time.
"Nicotiana", he says. "I've been thinking about having a child together".
"Do you want one?" I ask.
"Yes, I do. But, as we are now, I still think it is a long road until we will have one".
"I know. Being a sfenist, is a hard barrier. I don't think I will ever be able to have real sex with anyone".
"Not that", he says. "If one day we will have a child, what will he think, seeing me dressed as a woman? He will think this is how men should be. I will need to stop this".
"Maybe", I say. "Maybe if we will have a girl, it will be more easy".
"Still, I will not resemble a good father".
"Well, still it is a long way until you will be able to be a father... and I will be able to be a mother".
He takes two fast drags of smoke. I continue:
"I don't see a problem for a child to have two mothers. What I mean, is that I am still far from the point where I will accept your fluids in my body".
"I still am unable to touch you naked", he says. "This will bring my memories back and all that pain. But if you are dressed with something, even a translucent pantyhose costume, I can. Or at least I think I can". He takes again two fast drags of smoke.
"We have to push our barriers slowly forward", I say. "I don't know how far will that be possible".
"I seen we can touch with our feet", he says. "Maybe that is the first way".
"What do you mean, alia?"
"I mean, if we somehow manage to touch our organs with the other's feet, it might be possible to get closer to that point. Then, we will be able to finally have a child".
I take a deep dose of smoke, thinking about this. How to do such a thing?
"You mean, to rub my genitals with your foot?" I ask. "Then, me to do the same on yours, with my foot?" I take another inhale and say: "I don't know, we could try. But we will be doing this one at a time. I don't know how we could do such a thing together".
We agree to try this. First, I will be the rat for experiments. I get in the bed and put a blanket over my body. Alia gets also in the bed, in the opposite position to me. He gently moves one foot towards my organs, between my feet. I feel it. Something inside me is against this, but I think about the chance to have a baby. "Just a little pain, Ana!" says my shadow. "Just manage to take this forward, it will work". Ok. I light a cigarette and I say:
"You got where you should go. Now, slow and easy".
I feel his foot moving, but it is a movement that I don't like. So, I take his pantyhosed foot with one hand and guide it. With the other hand, I am smoking. I start to feel some pleasure, even if it is doubled with some repulsion. I am at the border between two worlds, between my body that wants pleasure and my soul that wants to be alone. And he is not helping. It is far less pleasure then what I can produce with my own hands. Maybe because it is pantyhose over pantyhose and not pantyhose on skin.
My body accepts him, my feet accept to be touched by Alia, but I feel the rest of my body arguing against this. I take another dose of smoke, carefully analyzing my feelings. Still, what surprises me is that I can accept being touched there.
At a point, I feel his other foot approaching. This would be too much, so I move it a bit away. I finish my cigarette.
"Is it everything ok?" he asks me.
"No, not like this", I say. "Just wait a second".
I take my pantyhose off a bit, so his foot can touch me exactly where he should. Then, I light another cigarette and with the free hand I take the foot and move it to where it should be. So many times, he moved to my ass and far away.
If I think that someone is touching me there, I start to feel repulsion. But if I try to associate his foot with an object, like the screwdriver I used so many times, it is more ok. My brain is on fire, at the border between pleasure and pain.
By the time I finish the 3rd cigarette, I feel he is exhausted. And also, I am starting to give-up. But, amazingly, I feel it coming. Unexpected, as he still masturbates me with his foot, I find myself face to face with an orgasm. Well, it might be beautiful, but the other part of me is refusing and urging me to take his foot away from my body. But, it worked. Exhausted, I remove his foot from me and I light another cigarette, to recover.
Now, it is my turn. Well, I hope it will work fast. I spread my legs and start to massage him. At first, I don't exactly know how to do this. I start to gently massage it with one foot, as it increases in size. Doing this, feels a bit strange to me. I feel a little of repulsion, but only a little. Also, I light a cigarette. Then, I try to use also the other foot. It takes time. I ask my self if he feels anything, if it is worth my effort. Can he handle this, or the same repulsion will work like it did for me? Still, I made it. For the first time in my life, I had an orgasm made by someone else, even if it was very hard.
I feel how he moves my feet a bit with his hands, to a better position, then helps me a bit move as I should do. Well, I finish a cigarette and still am working. It is getting me tired. It is not easy to move your feet so much, but still, I don't feel that I need to stop. I light another cigarette, still doing this.
"If it doesn't work, remove your pantyhose so I can directly touch your skin", I say.
"Are you sure you can do this?" he asks.
"I think I am", I answer.
He takes my feet away, then back. Now, I feel his organ straight between my feet. I start moving. I just don't know how should I do. Time passes and I light my third cigarette, still working on this. He takes my feet in his hands and shows me how to. Now, I realize that I can do this thing. Even if I feel something in my body fighting against this, but still I can continue. The smoke makes me stronger. With each inhale, I get more power. It all works. Soon, he takes an empty pack of cigarettes and asks me to take my feet away. Now, he fills the pack with his fluid.
It was not as hard as it was for me, but still hard.
Then, we return to the kitchen and finish washing the clothes. We also smoke a lot in there. I don't know why I need to smoke that much, it is like I always must keep a cigarette in my hand. We make some food, finish making it in fact, but all the time I keep a cigarette in one hand. Even later, as we eat, I make a break and smoke, even smoke while eating.
"Are you ok?" asks him.
"I think so", I answer.
"Maybe we have gone too far", he says.
"I don't know yet", I answer. "Just I need to smoke more then usual".
Because he sees that I don't eat, he moves his head close to me and gives me a kiss, pouring some food in my mouth. Yes, I am not eating much. I answer him by pouring smoke in his mouth. I also blow smoke in his ear, but there the smoke has no way to enter deeper in his body. Then, I take my gum back in my mouth and stop eating. He also takes his piece of gum and stops eating.
We go a bit out, near the river. Now, it is raining with little drops. The river is still large, but there is no chance it can reach our house or the railway station. We smoke another cigarette at the river. Then, we return to the house and do a little cleanup. Since our house is small compared to houses in the Civilized World, it all works very easy.
We are back in the house, sitting on the bed. I look at my feet, covered with yellow pantyhose, then at his feet, covered with green pantyhose. Is it real what we just done? Yes, it is. We light another cigarette in the house and smoke it to the end.
"I think we are getting closer", I say, lighting another cigarette.
"It was much harder then I imagined", he says. "The main problem is that I don't know how to do this".
"We have to do once without a blanket", I say.
Soon, evening comes and we decide to try again. This time, we will try to masturbate without covering our bodies. I am on one bed, he is on the other. We can clearly see each other now. "Ana, if you don't die now, you will never die", I say to myself. We both pull our skirts up, then push the pantyhose down, exposing our organs. Now, I see his organ, better then ever. It is small, but as he touches it, it grows in size. I look how guys do. So strange! Well, a strong feeling against this, feels my body. But, I have to pass this, if I want a child. I take my screwdriver and push the back, the handle, inside me, but much faster then ever before. It is not good. I start masturbating faster then usual. My body feels some pleasure, but far more stronger is the repulsion. But I have to do this! I light a cigarette, then another one. Smoking two at a time, will give me more nicotine to resist.
As I look at him, he moves one hand forward and backward on his thing. This is how guys do? It is much more easy then for me. I watch and struggle to reach an orgasm faster. He also struggles. Good that he has the clothes and the look of a woman, otherwise it would be much more difficult. I smoke two cigarettes at once, as he smokes only one. And soon, he reaches orgasm. I watch how he takes an empty pack of cigarettes and collects his fluid. That is the fluid I will need to insert in my body. As this happens, I try to do this faster, to finish it. Now, it is not about pleasure, but the desire to finish it. Anyway, it is far more repulsion then pleasure. Images from my nightmares come for a few seconds in front of my eyes. I have to do this faster! I have to! I put the two cigarettes in my mouth and work with both hands. Faster, Ana! And yes, I achieve an orgasm. Only that, the pleasure is almost virtual this time. It is like an illusion, hidden beneath a dark layer of nightmares.
"Done", I say.
"Are you ok?"
"I hope so. You?"
"No", he says. "This is too much for me".
It is now getting dark. Alia insists that I should eat something and we go back to the kitchen. I manage to eat, even if not much, but he almost cannot eat. So, we return to the house. We are like unable to speak. All we do is smoking and looking one at the other.
"There is only one more step", I say. "When we succeed this, we are ready to make a child. We will try tomorrow. We will use our hands. My hand on your thing and your hand on mine. We should use gloves. Tomorrow, when we wake-up".
"Ok, we will try", he says.
As the night comes, it is all dark. We have lanterns and candles, so we can make some light around us, but without electricity, we cannot use the laptop. Our connection with the world is halted. No internet, no movies, no music, no nothing. So, we go to bed, hoping that sleep will catch us.
Well, does it? I juts cannot go to sleep. I am an ambitious person and when I have something in my mind, I walk over bodies to obtain it. On the other hand, I am afraid that if I go to sleep, nightmares will come to me. So, I light a cigarette, then another, then another. Sleep starts to catch me, so when I light another cigarette, I almost fall it from between my fingers. Alia is also lighting cigarettes and smoking. I don't know. There comes a moment when you sleep but you don't realize this.
I wake-up when 3 AM should be, but I have no way to know what time it is. We have an electronic clock on the wall, with green digital led numbers, but without electricity, its screen is all black. Who knows what time it is? Nobody. And there is no train to come today. So, I just light another cigarette and wait for sleep to catch me.
Finally, we wake-up both, close to dawn. Some light can be seen outside. As we wake, we both smoke. I look at the pile of cigarette filters... How much did we smoke? My chest hurts when I inhale. Wow, this is something... if not too much, even for me.
Time to take the last goal, to pass the last test! I get out of bed and take some of the long gloves that Stromboli gave us. Two red pairs, one for me and one for Alia. We put them on. I see Alia tries to get some strength, then takes courage and pushes the blanket away.
"Now or never", he says.
The next moment, I feel his hand entering beneath my dress, then pushing my pantyhose down. He searches the place, then starts working on me. I feel him. But I feel no pleasure. It is like everything of me is rejecting. Everything is fighting against, even if I don't move. I feel his hand moving there, then he finds my hole and one finger gets in... or two fingers. I cannot say. There is some pleasure, but it is like a snowball falling in hell. Inside me, all fires are releasing, everything but pleasure. He continues.
At some point, I look in his eyes. I don't see pleasure. He must be feeling what I feel or something similar. Are we doing the good thing? I don't know. All I know is that it doesn't take much and I reach an orgasm. But again, it is anything else then pleasure.
Now, my time. I push my hand beneath his dress and feel the thing, covered with pantyhose. I make my way through, pushing the pantyhose down. It is in my hand. Good I have a glove, otherwise I would not have the power to do this. Now, to do just as I seen him doing. Time to push up and down. I feel the thing growing, then getting harder. So, this is how it moves... I keep on moving for a few minutes.
"It's coming", he says. "Get an empty pack of cigarettes!"
Ok, then. I take an empty pack and put it at that organ's end, while still stroking him. Ok, now. I cannot see, but I hope I did it right. However, it is not like that. I see fluids on my gloves and maybe also on his dress or on pantyhose there are a few drops. And I look inside the pack. This is the staff that I have to insert in my body to have a child? This stinky slimy staff? How horrible! I just throw the pack on the floor. The smell makes me remember. Oh no!
Then, I look in his eyes. I see anything else then pleasure. I see pain in his eyes.
This time, I take 3 cigarettes and light all of them and smoke all of them, to the end. And as I finish, I kneel on the ground. He comes and sits near me.
"Alia, I am sorry, but I think I did a very bad thing to you".
Yes, I realize I pushed him into pain. And he says nothing, just sits near me and smokes a cigarette.
"In medicine, there is a rule", he says. "And that rule says 'first, don't harm'. Nicotiana, we both are sfenists. It is time to stop. We are going too far and this will kill us both. I also want a child, but what good is a child if its mother or father will lose their minds?"
Isn't it right? How many people got insane after sexual abuses? We are sfenists, we are somewhere at the limit. A miracle prevented us to fall over the cliff, but we still are on the cliff and can fall.
"We tried to walk a path we are not ready to follow", I say.
"No, Nicotiana", he says. "That path is not for us. Did that old psychologist woman told you to go through these steps?"
"Not her", I answer. "These are the steps she gave to a sfenist couple which I know".
"Maybe those steps are good for them, not for us", he says.
"Those damn steps almost pushed us to our destruction", I say.
"Nicotiana, psychologists tried to 'cure' me with weird solutions. They even tried to give me pills to increase my libido... and all what happened was an increase in masturbation. What people don't understand is that not everybody can walk on the same steps. A car cannot run on the railway and a train cannot travel on road. The same is with us. We are sfenists and people try to force us into the main population. It just is impossible. We are different and there is no way we can change this".
Isn't it right? What am I doing? I light another cigarette and think about.
"I want a child too, but never dared to think that far. I have another idea. Let's wait until summer and then we will try this, in a much more simple way. Just the most simple one. I masturbate, then I give you a syringe with fluid and you insert it in you... or if you don't want, I will insert it. Believe me, it will be far more easy then all this. In fact, I think we could have done this by now, instead of going through all this", he says in the end.
*******************************
It was a big mistake what we did at that time. It was a big fall back for our relation. It took a few days until we again could do smoky kisses. Even more time, weeks, took us to reach back to how we were a few weeks before this. We never touched each other's intimate parts for months. And all this, because we are sfenists.
What is the purpose for a human in its life? To build a house, to make a child and to plant a tree.
Ancient saying.
It is now summer. Over an year and half has passed since we are together. I never imagined that such a strong friendship will form. And it is even more. Being sfenists, we are somewhere half between a friendship and a relationship. Only one thing really counts: that we are happy and we form a very strong couple.
Some things have changed. My big sister Abida now has a child. My little sister Cemis is pregnant and soon will have her first child. In these mountains, were medical service does not exist, children are born in the old, traditional way. Families have many children. I grew up with two sisters and a brother. He moved to another valley and comes here more rare, but he also is married and has children.
As one would guess, my parents put some pressure on us, to make a child too. Well, I see they want one, but they know we are sfenists. They know it is almost (if not completely) impossible for us to have real sex. 3 or 4 months ago, we tried something that still is far from sex, mutual masturbation. We managed to do so, but it was only pain. From that day, we calmed down, realizing this is beyond our limits. It will only produce pain and suffering and in the end it will destroy us. From that moment on, our romance has diminished. We still make smoky kisses, we still use to put one's feet in the other's lap, we still are vey close, but something has changed. Now, we are somehow colder. It looks like our relation has cooled a bit... or a bit more. Or has it? There is less affection, but we still are strongly bound together. I cannot imagine how would it be to spend a night alone without him.
I remember what that old psychologist woman told us, that a sfenist relation has 5 phases. In the last phase, it looks like the relation is cooling a bit, but in fact it is the sign that it has reached maturity. In stage 4, the two are exploring their sexuality as far as it is possible, given the wounds of their souls. Finally, some sort of equilibrium is reached at some point. If this is how things are, then we just have reached the 5th step. But I don't know. Last time, I was trying to use the advices she gave to another sfenist couple and it all went wrong. Maybe it is the fact that those advices were not for us, were something specific for them.
Each sfenist has other kind of wounds. What works for one, will not work for someone else.
*******************************
In the evening, I wait Alia - Atan to return from the mines. I am in the railway station, smoking and talking with some people who also wait the train to go downstream. The radio has beeped in Morse code that the train is on its way, but also beeped the thing that worries me the most: DRUNK. The engineer is drunk. Oh mine! That can lead to a lot of problems. The train is coming, I can see it. It is a few minutes before schedule. That is not good, the railways are badly unrepaired. Not respecting the speed restrictions and... you derail and destroy the rails too. The train is coming too fast!
When the train reaches the station, it doesn't stop. What??? The train just passes our station. Then, we hear a powerful sound. The breaks! The train is passing behind the last switch, with a horrible sound. I instantly realize what is happening, when I hear another sound, much more powerful. The train has derailed! I and all people from the platform run to see what is going on. For sure the train has derailed. People step out of the train, shouting at the engineer. Well, I understand them, but I am more worried about how the train derailed. Very simple, indeed. The train stopped fast and the pressure forced the rails to move apart. The old wood rail sleepers are rotten or even no longer exist at all. In such conditions, a strong force is enough to make the rails move. Change distance between the rails and for sure any train will derail.
As the protocol requires, I check out the damage. Nobody looks hurt. Two of the 3 wagons are off rail. The engine is still on tracks, while the first wagon is with the last wheels off rail. I check the engineer. It's Stallion, he is drunk, but the impact made him wake-up, at least partially.
"You idiot, look what you've done!" shouts someone.
"We are hungry! We want go home!" shouts another worker.
Atan comes to me and we hug. Then, we look around.
"His wife is cheating him, that's why he got drunk", he says.
"Again?" I ask.
"Ana", says an old man. Separate the engine, so we can go home riding on it!"
"Does anyone know how to do this?" I ask.
A few miners go to the connection and separates the wagons. Now the engine can freely go. I insist that a few people get in the cabin, to make sure he will be awake. Then, I hurry to the station, to radio contact nearby stations. I inform Ganymede that the train has reached me, then I inform Almathea that the train is coming, adding the warning message: DRUNK. Then, I hurry and signal the engine to go. And it goes, crowded with people staying on all sides of the engine. Then, I return to the radio, to forward a message to Juipter Depot. Here, messages travel from station to station, via radio Morse beeps. My message is:
CA AL JUPITER TRAIN DERAILED ENGINE ON TRACK GOING TO JUPITER.
I wait with Atan, until we get the confirmation. The message is:
AL JUPITER IO TRAIN DERAILED LINE CLOSED OVER NIGHT BE READY FOR MORNING.
I go to the house, with Atan. There, he changes into Alia, his feminine side. This night, we don't have to worry about the 3 AM train.
In the morning, we both are at the station, examining the damaged rails. I am wearing a white dress, Alia has a yellow dress. Both of us have sheer, shiny pantyhose and plastic open-toe sandals. A working train comes, with some equipment, to put the derailed wagons back on track and take them to Jupiter. What surprises me is that Arnold in person is here. He is the man that gets the money for producing and transporting coal. As he sees us, he comes directly to us. He is a bit fat, high and with black eyes, dressed in a black costume and with clean shiny shoes. A man with power, that many people fear.
"What happened?" he asks.
"The train derailed. Stallion was too tired and got asleep", I lie, not saying that he was drunk. "Someone pulled the emergency break".
"Sure he was not drunk?" asks Arnold.
"I don't know", I say, knowing that he can know if I lie. "I was more busy to see if anyone is injured".
Then, he looks at Alia - Atan.
"Atan?" he asks. "I heard you are a transgender, but I didn't believe it".
"Yes, sir", he says. "How can I serve you?"
"You have been a great achievement to us, improving our mines".
It is something very rare, to see a boss talking like that to an employee. He is up to something.
"I do what I can", says Atan.
"What can we do with these alcoholic engineers?" says Arnold, looking straight in his eyes.
So, he knows Stallion was drunk.
"I know Geology", says Atan, "but I know nothing about people. What I do know is that nobody must find out what happened, or a technical inspection would close the railway".
"You think so?" asks Arnold.
"For sure. I know what keeps the railways still functional, while they are too damaged for anything".
"Bribery", says Arnold short.
"Nobody must know that Stallion was drunk, or we risk a state inspection", says Atan. "We must say it was landslides. And about Stallion, he must be punished, but not hard. He must understand that he did something bad, but not punished to the point where he will say something he shouldn't".
"And what punish would you suggest?" asks Arnold, playing with the skin of his face.
"Moral punishment is much better then cutting from his salary", answers Atan. "At least in these mountains. You can force him to chose: pay for the whole damage, which is far greater then his salary, or do something symbolical. For example, tie a bottle to his neck or shave his hair, something that everyone will see".
"Or paint his hair", I answer, with a big smile.
"You know, this might work", says Arnold, thinking about. "I thought about pointing a pistol at his mouth, but you know how people are here. He might have a reason to try to kill me for this".
"Or, force him in every station to get down from the engine and say 'I swear I will no longer drink' so that everyone will hear him", says Alia.
"Could work, but we don't know if he will do this".
"Or, make him stay in a railway station, with a note saying: 'I swear I will never drink again'. That should work", says Atan.
Arnold lights a cigarette and offers one to each of us. These are contraband cigarettes from Stromboli that taste close to the real ones.
"I will put him here, in your railway station", says Arnold. "Just make sure everyone will see him".
I smoke this smooth and strong cigarette with pleasure. I know it is from the cigarettes I made here last summer... and many others are on the way.
"The line can be repaired. Ana, I want you to signal upstream stations, that the line and the mines are closed for today and tomorrow. I give people a free day today. Tomorrow, miners will come here and repair the line. I think it can be repaired in one day. And starting from tomorrow, Ana, you have a new job. I will send Stallion here, with an inscription on a sheet of metal, saying 'I swear I will never drink again'. Your job will be to make sure he will stay in the station and not go, so that everyone will see him".
Arnold returns to the pick-up train and goes back to Jupiter.
As this happens, I look at what Alia - Atan has become. From a dominated man, he is now a negotiator. In past, when I said something, he instantly did anything. He still lacks any authority. In many regards, he is more a woman then a man. What major difference is now, that he tries to negotiate and even to take initiative. What a change!
********************************************
Since we have a free day, we decide to go to the lake. There is a small abandoned reservoir in these mountains, where almost nobody comes. It is my secret place. We decide to go there, to spend the noon near the water, in the dense forest. For this, we change clothes. I take my favorite green dress, the one with a white leaf on its top, while Alia takes his green dress. With sheer, shiny pantyhose and plastic sandals, we go to the lake.
We have been here many times. It is the place where I come from time to time. To this lake, i told all my sadness and suffering and also all my happiness and joy. It is like a close friend. Probably it really is a friend, that cannot speak. How many times I came here and how many cigarettes I smoked, throwing the filters in its water? Hundreds of packs, for sure. All filters got vanished in the water. At some time, I used to collect the shiny metallic paper in cigarette packs... and I got over a hundred on the shore, but one day, I lost them all.
We put a small carpet on the shore and sit on it, like we done so many times. We take our sandals off and touch the water with our pantyhosed feet. Small waves form in circles. We stay like this for a while.
"Nicotiana", says Alia, as he holds me with one hand and a cigarette with the other.
"Alia?" I ask, lighting my cigarette, then move one hand to hold him.
"Do you still think we can have a child?"
I let the smoke get out of my mouth slowly, thinking about this.
"I don't know. But I don't think we can go through all we went".
"That was a bad way to solve something impossible", he says.
I take a double inhale.
"Maybe there is another way", I say.
"I think we would have done it in a different way. Some way that our wounds will not be opened again".
"Do you want to try again?" I ask.
"Yes, but in a different way".
I take a deep inhale, with two drags, thinking about. Why not? Maybe it still is possible.
"Ok", I say, letting the smoke out. "But how?"
"We should masturbate, then I take my fluids in a pack of cigarettes. Then, you try to pour the fluids in you. Hope it will work".
"Let's try", I say.
As I say this, we try. We both put one hand under the skirt, pull the pantyhose down and start working on it. I don't have my screwdriver, but still I try with a lighter. As doing this, I look at the lake, where I see the waves our feet make in its water. We have done this many times, masturbating together, but without touching each other. And even this time, we don't touch. As Alia gets close, he removes all cigarettes from his pack and takes the pack, empty, under his dress. It doesn't take much until I also reach an orgasm.
Then, comes the moment. He gives me the pack. I move on the carpet, asking him to stand and give me some space. It is not easy. I try to take the pack and pour the fluid inside me. Gently. It doesn't want to flow, well it is not quite liquid. It is something dense, between milk and honey. I lean my head down on the carpet, with my butt a bit higher. Slowly, my fingers manage to push the fluid out of the pack, into my genitals. I try to push it all, as deep as possible, with my feet and even with the lighter. I think I done it. It is also a strange feeling.
"Put something under my butt", I say.
Alia takes our luggage, our food in fact, which is in a plastic bag. He puts it beneath me.
"My fingers are slimy", I say. "I need a cigarette".
He then comes and washes my fingers with water from the lake, then cleans them with his own skirt. He gives me a cigarette.
"I think I should hold your feet up", he says.
"I don't know", I say.
Well, he goes to my back and sits behind me, taking my feet up to his shoulder. He also lights a cigarette. We stay like this for a while. Sitting with my head below my body, gets me dizzy.
"That was really easy", I say.
Alia gently pushes my pantyhose back and then adjusts my skirt. Well, I am too dizzy to react.
"Sorry, Nicotiana", he says, "but from here I could see all your organs. Better this way".
"Thanks", I say, lighting another cigarette.
"How long should you stay like this?" he asks.
"I don't know", I answer. "As long as we can".
We stay for about an hour and in this time we also smoke a few cigarettes. Then, we return to the position we had. I feel that a new chapter of our lives is starting to be written.
Two girls were sitting at the lake, near the shore. Both had a green dress and green hair. Their pantyhosed feet were touching the water. With one hand, they were hanging each other, while with the other, they were holding their cigarettes. One of the girls is me. The other was not a girl at all. He is my husband.
From all sexual minorities, sfenists are among the only ones blessed with the power to make children. And children are the most important thing for a couple, the reason to go forward and the shiniest gem stones on the crown that is a family. However, children born from sfenists are different then children born from any other families and any other people.
A conversation with a sfenist couple, 2004.
Fifteen years have passed since we met, since Alia - Atan, my husband, went to our village, looking for a place to stay the night. So many things happened in all this time. The most important thing of all, is that we managed to have children. Now, we have 3 children, which are all happy and healthy. This is the most important thing to us. First came Aisha, which now is 10. She is a beautiful little girl, smart but a bit quiet. At school, everybody notices her to be very good learning and very polite. Then came Adge, our son, which now is 8. He is far more polite then other boys in his class and also learning very well. And then comes Abidet, our little daughter. She is 6. Not yet going to school, she is full of energy and surprisingly smart.
As I am a convinced smoker, I smoked during all my pregnancies. I know what people in the Civilized World say, that smoking can affect children, but honestly I never believed that. After all, my mother gave birth to four children and smoked during all her pregnancies. The only difference I noticed is that my children were born a bit smaller. Nothing else. Well, here things are far different from the Civilized World. First, children are born at home and not in a hospital. There is no medical service. I know that in other places doctors check the mother and her unborn child from time to time. Here, nothing like that exists. Nothing, at all. If, for example, you cannot get birth, you die. Well, my addiction to smoking goes beyond any limit, up to the point where, when I was getting birth to Abidet, I wanted a smoke. There was my sister Cemis smoking near me and she took her cigarette to my mouth. With all that pain and forcing, I still could inhale... and this helped. When Abidet was getting out of me, smoke was also getting out. Well, I am Nicotiana, that's my official name and has been so for 15 years.
It is said that humans are born out of sin. And it is true. No human, nor animal, can have a child without sex. There really is no way. Maybe, in future, technology will reach a point where artificial children will be grown in incubators, but we still are very far away from that day. There is only one exception in this world: sfenists. We are a rare sexual minority. About one human in 3000 is a sfenist. We are victims of a sexual abuse or other kinds of trauma, that affected us beyond recovery, so that, having sex becomes impossible. It simply is not possible. If we could, we would have done it in 15 years. In some sfenist couples, after some time it becomes possible, but it is only pain. We tried and found out it is beyond our limits. All our children are made artificial... and this is the best way. Each time we wanted to have a child, we masturbated, then I poured his fluids inside me, with my own hands, with the help of a syringe usually. Is masturbation a sin? I think it is, but one far smaller then sex. So, our children are born without sin. Well, there is one, but far smaller then in other couples.
Another thing that is surprising, is that in my language, the word used for 'pregnant' is sfena. The word used for 'sfenist' is in fact sfenikh (sort of, we use many sounds that are not found in English and my transliteration is not perfect). Are we the only sexual minority able to have children? Homosexual couples cannot. Two gays cannot, as no man can be pregnant. Lesbians, as women, might be able to, but still they need a man to get pregnant. In case of a transgender couple, as long as the transformation is not complete and the genital organs are functional, children can exist. At some point, I was thinking about a man that becomes a transgender woman. Even if somehow he/she has a perfectly functional uterus (even up to this day I don't know if it is possible to build one), there still is something missing. You need to take from somewhere an embryo and insert it there. Other sexual minorities, like zoophiles (people that make sex with animals), eterophiles (people that are in love with love itself or virtual ideas), panophiles (people that are in love with objects) or virtualophiles (people who prefer virtual sex, in the virtual world), will never be able to have a child this way. One can argue that women still can have children via artificial insemination. Also, adoption is another possible way. But still, these children are not clearly yours.
And speaking about children in sexual minorities, there is one thing that has always been in my mind. A child adopted by a homosexual couple (or by any other sexual minority) will be strongly influenced by what it sees at its parents. The child will do what its parents do. There is a high chance for that to happen. I've read about panophiles. I heared about a man that was in love with a tree, about a woman that was in love with a road. Some might argue that those guys need psychological treatment. I don't. As I also belong to a sexual minority, I understand them. The problem is, when one of them will want to have a child (be it artificial or made through adoption), what will that child do?
I also wondered for a long time, what will mean for our children to know their father is a transgender. The thing I didn't put into the equation is that he also changed over time. He had two faces: one was Alia, a woman, while the other one was Atan, a man. At home and while being with me, he used to be Alia. He dressed as a woman and used make-up, fake breasts and anything earrings. While at work or when we were alone, he was Atan. He used men clothes, but beneath, he still worn pantyhose. His hair is not long and not short, just nearly touching his shoulders and painted green, like mine. In time, I removed his beard and mustache completely. It was very painful, but working with one piece of hair every day, in two years, I managed to epilate him completely. What will children say about this? Other children will laugh, hearing that "daddy looks like mummy". Not at elementary school, which is in the village. When they will go to high school or to an University, if they will.
What I didn't know at that time, is that things will change. First of all, after a few years, Alia - Atan started to mix his two faces. He started to go to the mines in unisex clothes. He found a way between. He can pass as something between genders, only his voice clearly shows he is a man. Everything else resembles something belonging to both genders. He now wears what most people wear here: cheap tennis shoes or plastic sandals in summer. In winter, he often walks with women booties that have no heels and can pass both as male or female. He still wears pantyhose anywhere he goes, only that now this is not a secret. In summer, when people wear shorts, he also wears shorts and his pantyhosed feet are exposed. He no longer wears fake breasts. He wears unisex sweaters, blouses and shirts. About the earrings, he made an interesting decision, to wear only one earring in one ear. So he wears one day in an ear, the other day in the other one.
There are a few exceptions. When we go further away and need to cross a border, he dresses as a man, but still wears pantyhose. And sometimes, when we are alone, in our romantic moments, he wears the fake breasts and a woman dress. There is one place where he always does this: at the lake, at the forgotten reservoir. And each time we go there, we both try to dress in the same way.
Also, since we are together, I worn pantyhose every day and every night. I promised him that I will wear them all my life, just as he promised that he will smoke all his life.
There is another thing that is important: his parents. For nearly an year, they prayed to their gods and begged for Alia - Atan to return home. I could feel all their tears, all their suffering. Nothing happened. He did not return. Then, they abandoned him. It passed a long time and we received no more messages from them. Anything. Things only changed when Aisha was born. At that moment, we sent them a message about. They answered, saying that they want a picture. Well, if there is something I hate a lot, it's pictures. I hate to be on a photo. And anyway, how can we make a photo of her? We just couldn't. When Adge was born, they again wanted a photo. I agreed finally. We found an old camera, but it made pictures on a film. I went to Jupiter and paid for the film to be processed. Then, I sent the picture via post mail and not through my laptop. Given the fact that the picture needed to pass many borders, it arrived very late and degraded. When Abidet was born, we no longer sent them any picture at all. Well, as time passed, they seemed to forgot their hate for me. Very slowly, they accepted us as what we are, a family. They understood that we will never leave these mountains.
Many things have also changed. Now my sister Abida has four children and my sister Cemis has two. With 10 nephews, my parents are very happy.
Talking about our children, they are different. It is not because of the huge doses of nicotine they received before birth, in the milk while breast-feeding or later, as passive smokers. My sisters also smoke, even if not as much as I do. I think the difference comes from the fact that we are sfenists. As I said above, children born from sfenists are not made from a sin (well, in fact they are made from a little sin). I know that the difference also comes from the fact that sfenist couples are different, but I strongly argue that the major differences come from the fact that they are born with only little sin.
Since Aisha was a baby, I noticed that she did not cry as much as other babies. First, I thought that she is different, but later I've seen other children behaving the same. So, I asked myself what is going on. Then, as they grew and started to walk, they were a bit more polite, more listening to what we were telling them. Like any child, they did a lot of dumb things. For example, they heard about scuba diving and took a duck into the river, keeping it below water until it drowned and died. That was the first time in my life I've seen a drowned duck. Another time, they took our hair paint and painted our two dogs in green. Another time, they heard about astronauts and placed a cat in a plastic box. Then they threw the cat up in the air and... it landed on the house, instead of hitting the Moon.
There are two major differences between our children and their cousins (children of my sisters). When they play together, I see it very clear. The first difference is that our children are more listening to adults and are more polite. Even as they play together, they stop when the others do things that are too bad. The second difference is that they are very united. I remember when I was a child, it was a headache for my mother. It didn't take 15 minutes and we were fighting. Some of us was crying or some of us stolen someone else's toy. Now I realize what a headache was for our parents. Well, my children are very different. They don't fight, don't steal the other's toy. And if one has done something bad, the others are covering the tracks. This happens almost instantly. For example, when they killed that duck, it took me a long time to find out what they have done. I found out in fact while listening to them playing, as they had no idea of my presence.
Another fact is that as I work at the railway station close to the house, I always have an eye on them. I spend much time with them, playing with them or working in the garden. At their age, they know well how to do gardening and how to make handmade cigarettes. Alia - Atan, when at home, also spends a lot of time with them. He is teaching them a lot of things. The fact that we both have graduated an University is very important, since we can help them at school. Our children know English, which is a very rare thing in these mountains. From a young age, we stimulated their curiosity and started to feed them with a desire to learn new things.
Well, despite the fact that sex almost does not exist, sfenist couples are extremely strong. It is a powerful love, only that there barely is some sensual love. In 15 years, I never had a fight with Alia - Atan. The only one occurred soon after we met, when I almost killed him, to convince him to start smoking. Since then, we never had any fight. My sisters had so many fights in their families, that they came to us to learn how is it possible to live without screaming one at each other.
Sometimes I find the reasons for fights really stupid: for planting a tree, for not changing the shoes when entering the house, things that really are nothing. Well, from a nothing like this, tensions can grow and keep on growing, even up to a divorce. Well, for us, this never happens. We always try to please each other in any way.
The railway collapsed many times, but each time it was repaired. Overall, things are like they were, but technology is slowly advancing. Cell phones have arrived to here. And when this happened, railway stations were equipped with them. We linked the megaphones with their speakers, so when a train is coming, they will make a lot of noise. Now, every train engine has a cell phone. But even with this improvement, derailments are still frequent, because the rails are still badly maintained. Cigarette contraband is still very important. Sanders still wonder in our land from time to time, as they pass to other lands. Just this year, they made a suicide attack in the Land Of Nomads. Contraband still flows through these mountains, as it always did.
In one day, I check the mail, to see if there are any messages from his parents. Surprised, I see this:
Dear you two, we are getting old. We don't know for how long we will live. Before we get too old, it should be better to give you a visit, to see you and your children as we still can.
I talk with Alia - Atan about this and he accepts. So, we explain them how they can reach us. Also, I tell the news to my parents and my sisters. In two weeks, they will be coming. I explain them all the steps, from the airplane they have to take to the Land Of Ice, how to move all the way while avoiding danger, how to move in the cities, what train to take and how to pay in each place. Even how to pass borders. It doesn't matter if your papers are ok, every custom will expect some bribery, mainly from someone that seems to be an outsider.
Finally, after 15 years, they come to our place. They step down at the railway station. I notice them immediately. After all this time, I cannot remember their faces, but I notice they are not from here by the way they move. We await them on the railway platform. We hug. When they see their son, they start crying. I also see that they are by far no longer the people I remembered. They are far older and thin, almost skinny. In their eyes, I see a long suffering and much loneliness.
They look at the children and bring a lot of gifts to them and to us. How many things they have brought here! Many! But most then everything, their tears speak for them. Alia - Atan also cries to see them after all this time. The children seem to try to be friendly. Soon, his parents are surprised to see that our children speak English.
Then, I invite them to the kitchen, where anyone would invite guests. We smoke, they don't. I send Aisha to my parents and my sisters and they all come to see. Also, they bring a lot of food. This is a rare occasion.
With so many people, the kitchen is too small for all of us. So, we go outside and sit on the grass. We all eat, from what we have. I explain his parents that we don't speak when eating and they understand. They seem to enjoy our cuisine, based on milk products. Today, we have some meat, because it is a rare occasion. Of course, we also have a big metal pot with milk and a huge plate with cookies that I made for the occasion.
His parents seem so happy to see this place, but even more happy to see all these children. All our 10 children are here and they sit around us and eat. Seeing them, their eyes are flown with tears. They just cannot stop watching so many children. And after finishing eating, all children start playing around. In the distance, other children can be heard.
As we finish eating, I light a cigarette. Alia - Atan does the same, so do my parents, my sisters and their husbands. Abida also has two bigger children that smoke. Now, I watch amazed how his parents accept this. They don't smoke, but accepts us all as we are. They don't comment anything seeing Alia - Atan with his hair painted green.
The only problem language. Only Alia - Atan understands their language, but since he never spoken it for 15 years, he finds more easy to speak in English. Also, only his parents and our family understands English. My parents, my sisters and their families understand nothing. So, we have to translate.
His father looks at the landscape. Behind our house, behind the garden, mountains rise, covered with dense forests. On the other side of the river, he can see the railway. Beyond it, there are other houses and gardens, then the mountains rise again, covered by forest. A few cliffs rise from the trees. It is a beautiful day, with nearly completely blue sky. Anyone can hear the birds singing and the river flowing.
"You live in paradise", says his father. "I never imagined these mountains are so beautiful".
"We are all born here", says my father. "For ten thousand years, we've been living here".
"The air is clear here", continues his father. "The water is clean. Where I live, people pay a lot of money to visit such places only for a few days".
"And all the food is natural", says his mother. "You live much more healthy then we do".
"Yes, we live natural", says Abida. "All the food comes from our gardens and our animals".
"I never imagined such a place can exist", says again his father.
"Only that you smoke too much", says his mother. "Or is that natural too?"
"All is cultivated here", I answer, showing her where the garden is.
"Small Wonder makes cigarettes all summer", says my mother, smiling. "It is her obsession, she made us all to smoke".
"You've been living in this paradise all this time", says his mother.
"Yes", says Alia - Atan. "Now, you understand why I don't want to go? Maybe it is the last natural place still left on the Earth".
"Sure it is", says his mother, "but you live in great poverty. You have 3 children. Maybe, Over The Sea, they will have a better life. Don't you think?"
"There is no place like in these mountains", answers my dad. "They will live here, with us, or in another place, but will not move away from the Land Of Mountains".
"Just look at them", says my mother, pointing at me and Alia - Atan. "They've been in the outside world and they like it here. There is no other land like ours".
"Be sure there is no other place like here", says his dad. "In our mountains, you see roads up to the mountain peaks. You only have a railway... and even that one, I am surprised how those trains still move. I smashed my head to the window a few times".
"If you want, there is a free house close to me", says Cemis. "You can move in it if you want".
"For sale?" asks his dad. "How much?"
"Old houses are not sold", says my mother. "They are given in the memory of the deceased".
"Maybe, we should come here from time to time", says his dad. "But it would be kind if I give the owners some money for this, at least as a gift".
"Why not to move completely?" asks Cemis, surprised.
"Our place is not here", says his mother. "This place is beautiful, but it is not for us. We lived in a world and our place is in that world, just as your place is in here".
For a while, my parents ask his parents about how is life there, about the way they work, how they travel, how they live, how they grow their children. Also, his parents ask a lot of questions, all until I get tired of translating. Then, his parents focus on the children. It looks like they enjoy to see this.
Abida lights a cigarette and comes closer. I see in her eyes, she is up to something.
"Ana, please translate this", she says. "Why did you keep such a distance to your son for so many years?"
I don't want to translate, but I do.
"In the world where we come", says his mother, "parents have to decide and accept marriages. It cannot happen without a bless from both parents. This is because children are not ready to see. They don't have experience and might chose something bad".
"We were looking for a girl with the same social status as he has", says his father. "A woman with the same school level, with the same wealth, coming from a similar family".
"He just left us and abandoned us, to come here", says his mother.
I translate all, then Abida comes a bit closer, so that nobody will hear her, but me and his parents.
"He left you because he is a sfenist", she says.
"What is a sfenist?" asks his dad.
I had no idea things will go this far. So, I have to say.
"A sfenist is a person that was victim of a big trauma, usual a sexual abuse, that affected the person beyond recovery. This is why he left you. He ran away from you, because you forced him to be in a relation that he could not handle. For a sfenist to be in a classic relation, it is pain. You almost destroyed him when you forced him to be with that woman".
"But I see you have children", says his mom, unable to understand.
"All our children are made artificial", I answer.
"And you are a sfenist too", she says then.
"Yes. This is why we are together".
"All these years..." mumbles his dad.
"You just didn't understand him. He ran to the End Of The World to save his life. Even after all this time, he cannot forget the pain you put him into, when you forced him to have a sexual relation. This is child abuse. My parents never did that to me".
Maybe my mouth took ahead of me or maybe it is something in me that wanted to erupt from all those ugly words they said to me. I forgiven them for all a long time ago. Even if my words were a bit too much, someone had to say this. I see the pain in their eyes, as they realize their mistake.
They remain here over night. I manage to make them sleep in the kitchen. Then, at morning, Alia - Atan goes to work at the mine. I remain here, with his parents. Aisha and Adge go to school, while little Abidet remains here. We talk a bit. Then, the children return from school. We all eat, we play with the children, then I have to wash clothes and cook. They look amazed how I wash clothes with my hands in a plastic basin and how I cook using wood fire. And then, I do some gardening with the children. Also, trains come and go at the station and I have to go there from time to time.
Next day, Alia - Atan also needs to go up to the mines. His parents go with him, then take the train back. I see them and they hail me, as I signal the train to go downstream. They are returning to their homeland.
When Alia - Atan returns home from the mines, tells me the last words his parents said, before living back to the Civilized World:
Our loved child, we are sorry for what we have done to you. Sorry for not understanding that you are a sfenist and forcing you on a path that you could never follow. We are sorry for what we done to you. We are all guilty that you now live in these mountains of paradise, for all you suffered and for all the bitter tears we dropped all this time in loneliness. We are not old and lonely, but it is all our guilt that things ended this way.
Children always share something from their parents.
What is born from a cow, will eat grass and what is born from a wolf, will eat meat.
A cherry tree will make cherries with cherry seeds and an apple tree will make apples with apple seeds.
Sayings, about parents and children.
This day starts like any other day here. It is a cold autumn morning, with a clear sky. Forests are painted in all colors. Up in the mountains, winter comes earlier then at the plains. My husband, Alia - Atan, takes the train to go to work, at the mines. I go to the railway station to signal upstream and downstream stations that the train is coming. Then, I return home, to make my elder children, Aisha and Adge, ready for school. After they start walking, I go back to the railway station. The train is returning from the mines and going downstream. All goes just as should be.
I am in the railway station, smoking a cigartte and admiring the mountains. Now, I have to go and see my little daughter, Abidet. She must be awake by now. Sometimes when she wakes, she gets out from the house, sometimes she stays more time in bed. Time to make her some breakfast. So, I go to the kitchen, still smoking. With the cigarette in my mouth, I prepare her what she needs. Very good!
With the food on the table, I get out from the kitchen. Close to the river, Alia - Atan made with the children a small park. They built two benches, a table, planted some flowers and some bushes. It is a lovely place to stay, relax and smoke. I often sit there. But, what I see shocks me. I see little Abidet smoking.
What is this? She is only 6! Oh well, I also started smoking at 6, so this is how my parents felt when they seen me. She is really smoking. And her moves are actually mine. She copied me! I like to take a double puff once, first puff pushes the smoke deep inside me, then I take a little dose of air and the second puff, mixing all in my lungs. And when I take the second puff, a very small cloud of smoke exits my mouth. Well, usually, not always. But now, Abidet is smoking just like I do, with double inhales. She is moving just like I do, with one hand at her waist and holding the cigarette in the other one.
What should I do?
The image is really shocking me. I just don't know what to do. Smoking is a good thing, but underage smoking is not. I often said that if my children will not start smoking on their own, I will teach them when they reach 15. Well, I hopend they will not start before 13, or at least before 11. But at 6? Now, what should I do?
I just watch her. She smokes so natural, so amazingly innocent and cute. Well, I smoked during all my pregnancies, so basically these children started smoking before they were even born. Then, nicotine was all around them. I smoked while breast-feeding them. Alia - Atan even made fun of me, saying: "Are you giving a cigarette to the baby?" Well, I actually gave them enough smoke when they were babies. Also, they started their lives as passive smokers. I argued they should not stay in the room when there was too much smoke inside, but only when there really was too much. They grew-up like this.
I just move in the house, gently, without making any noise, remembering my past. When my parents found out that I smoke, I was also 6. They forced me to stop, but I used to sit on the ground and cry. I cried even an hour, until they gave me a cigarette. Nobody and nothing could ever stop me. Abidet is blood from my blood, flesh from my flesh. I am still thinking what to do... when she comes to me:
"Mom, I am hungry", she says.
"Come with me to the kitchen, darling", I say. "Your food is ready".
We go to the kitchen, where she eats. I always like to watch the children when they eat. Then, I give her a glass of milk and a few cookies. All this time, I think what to do. If she is not addicted yet, I might stop her until she grows a bit more. But if she is addicted, then I will not stop her in any way. After all, I love smoking. I enjoy it and I convinced so many people to start. And my official name is Nicotiana Ana.
Everybody said to me that my children will start smoking very early. Quite everybody. And I agreed, always. But I thought about the age of 13 as good for that, not 6.
We go to our small park, near the river. We sit on one bench.
"Abidet, darling", I say. "What were you doing here before breakfast?"
"Nothing", she says. I know this is a lie. And I know very well these children cover each other in a surprisingly good way.
"No, you were not doing nothing", I say while lighting a cigarette.
I also take one and give it to her.
"You said I am too young for this", she says, taking my cigarette.
"You were smoking here. I seen you", I say, with a smile.
It is good to be your child's friend and not an enemy.
"I know you smoke", I say. "Don't hide from me".
She takes the cigarette and says:
"Yes, I smoke. I watched you and wanted to be like you".
I give her the lighter. She lights the cigarette very easy, takes a double inhale, letting a bit of smoke out of her mouth, keeps the smoke inside her body, then exhales. I watch carefully, to see if she really is addicted or not. But she is.
"How long have you been smoking?" I ask her, with a smile on my face.
She takes another inhale, happy that she can smoke in front of me.
"Come on, say me. When did you start?"
"When we went to the lake and you and dad went after tree buds", she says.
Oh mine! This was in spring. We collect certain tree buds and make a syroup of them. They are very good when you catch a cold. In these mountains, where medical service does not exist, we rely on natural cures as much as possible. But if she started smoking in spring and now it is autumn... she has been smoking all this long?
"First time I got so dizzy that I almost fallen in the lake", she says. "But then I started to like it".
She smokes in front of me. Her young lungs are small, so she cannot make large clouds of smoke, but she clearly is smoking. My decision is made. I will let her smoke. I just cannot stop her. I mean, this is how I were at her age.
"Abidet", I say, putting my arm on her back and gently touching her. "Don't hide from me. When you want to smoke, just do it with me. I don't like that you were hiding. Will you do that for me?"
"Yes", she says.
"Do the other children smoke?" I ask her, already knowing that she will not tell me.
"I need to ask them", she says.
In fact, she knows if they smoke, but she doesn't want to tell me. She needs to ask them if she can tell me or not. These children are so united, that it is impossible to find out something easily.
Oh mine! Little Abidet is smoking. But are the other children smoking too? I don't know yet. I need a way to find out. But how? If you ask one, it will never tell you about the others. Should I talk with each one separately or should I spy them?
I take Abidet to help me around the house, in the garden. She helps, like always, happy to do this. At some point I light a cigarette. I ask her if she wants and yes... she wants. All times I watch her, I am amazed to see that she smokes in the same way I use to.
Later, the other children are coming from school. As usually when they come, I prepare them clean clothes to change. Then, I go to the kitchen and prepare their meal. All of them eat. I also eat something with them. As it is polite, we don't speak while eating. I always make sure they learn the unwritten law that governs these mountains for millennia.
Then, I light a cigarette. I also give one to Abidet, saying:
"Do you want one?"
"Yes", she says, taking my cigarette.
Watching her, smoking at this fragile age, is like watching me in a mirror of time. She started on her own, I also started on my own. Nobody learned me how to smoke, I just found some cigarettes and tried until I got it right. and got hooked for life.
"Do you two want one?" I say, talking to Aisha and Adge.
They say nothing, not a yes or a no.
"Well, if you want to smoke", I say, "you are welcome. Only don't hide from me. Abidet decided to smoke and she smokes now".
I just let the lighter in the kitchen. We have packs of handmade cigarettes anywhere in the house. If they smoke, feel free to do so. I just go to the house and start packing some clothes, when the radio beeps. A train is coming and I need to go to the station. And I go.
"What are you doing, Ana", says my shadow.
"What should I do?" I answer. "Abidet is smoking. Are the others smoking too?"
"I don't think they do. But Abidet will teach them".
"I learned my sisters and my brother how to smoke", I say. "Even my parents stopped and I convinced them to start again. Abidet will teach the others for sure".
"Yes, it is just a matter of time. And now, you gave her free hands", says my shadow.
"Shadow, is there anything bad in smoking? I smoked all my life and I am ok".
"They will not grow", says my shadow. "They will remain shorter, like you are".
"Well, if that's all, there is no problem. At least their lungs will be as happy as mine".
Saying this, I light a cigarette and think about what is going on. I guess I've been smoking for 30 years, with between one and two packs a day. Let's say 30 packs a say. 365.25 days an year. I take a sheet of paper from the station and do the math. About 330 000 cigarettes! That totals 16 500 packs. We put 20 packs in a box, so you get 825 boxes. An average cigarette weights 1.2 g, but the tobacco itself weights 1 g. So, in 30 years, I smoked almost 400 kg of cigarettes or 330 kg of tobacco. Wow, that is 5 to 6 times my weight! This is how much I smoked? And I am sure in the coming 30 years, the same will happen. Oh mine! I never calculated this before. If I live long enough, I will reach 1000 kg!
I look at the cigarette I now smoke. Wow! This is how addicted I am!
At the University, I had a talk with the old psychologist that revealed to me that I am a sfenist. I used to stay with her in the breaks and smoke. She helped me very much to find my path in life. And also she talked about my unusually strong addiction. Well, she confessed that she tried many times to quit, but failed, so she took it all on another way: to give her body the nicotine it needs, trying to fix a daily dose. At that point, she gave me two examples:
"You won't believe it, Nicotiana, but in the 50's many doctors recommended smoking as a medical cure for a few diseases. There are also two cases of miraculous healing in medicine, around the 50's. Two men were suffering of lung cancer and they believed so strongly that smoking will cure them, that it actually cured them. Doctors were surprised to see them recovered. Anyone will argue that this is impossible, but I tell you, after many incredible things I seen in psychology, that it is. Our brains are extremely powerful. In many diseases, if you make your mind that something will heal you and you believe so strongly that it is the cure, it will really work. Those two men believed so strong that smoking will cure them, up to the point they really were cured".
I finish the cigarette and throw the filter down. My mind continues to playback my memories:
"On the other hand, I know a woman, she was a good friend of mine. She so strongly believed that she was sick, even if she was completely healthy. And you won't believe it, Nicotiana! She started to accuse imaginary pain and much more! Her brain made her throw-up and she was so convinced she was sick! In the end, she died from the illusion of a disease. Yes, her brain commended her to die".
The train comes and goes upstream. I go to the radio and signal upstream and downstream stations, then return to the platform and signal the train to go. As I go back to the house, my memories continue to roll:
"If you take a piece of toilette shit and eat it, but your brain tells your body that this is the cure to all your problems, it will really be. But if you eat the best and most expensive food in the world and think it is poison, it will harm you. It is all up to our brains, Nicotiana! Nothing else. I know you are extremely addicted to smoking. Each time you smoke, consider that it heals you and makes you stronger, not that it harms you. If you think this is toxic and will kill you, it will kill you one day".
And she is so right!
As I return to the house, I look at the children. They are playing and are very happy. How could Abidet be smoking for so long and I never found out? I watch how they play. Sometimes they are visible, sometimes not, but I still hear them. This makes me comfortable, that they are around and are ok. I cannot watch them in every second. Nobody can. After all, they have to start developing their own lives. I have no intention to oppress them as Alia - Atan was oppressed by his parents, destroying his personality and his life.
When another train is coming, I go back to the station and watch the children from there. After the train goes, I move and watch them candid. At some point I see Abidet smoking and giving her cigarette to Adge. Is he smoking too?
Evening comes. When Alia - Atan comes from the mines, I give him food and we all eat. Then, as usually, we, adults, light a cigarette. Abidet looks at me... and I give her one.
"Nicotiana, what are you doing?" he asks surprised.
"She smokes", I say. "I caught her today in the morning".
"Abidet, you are too young for this" he says.
"She is already addicted", I say. "Just as I was at her age".
Alia - Atan puts his cigarette, unfinished, in the ashtray. His face is a mixture of angry and sad. He also can see that Abidet is smoking with the same moves I do.
"You made her smoke, you make her stop!" he says, moving out of the kitchen.
********************************************
After that day, we allowed Abidet to smoke with us. Alia - Atan is more angry on this, but I just cannot do anything. My heart, filled with nicotine all these years, simply accepts this. Too early, yes, but that's it! And even if I would try to make her stop, we have tons of handmade cigarettes and dried tobacco around us.
Then, one day, the girls are playing near the river. I take Adge in the garden, to help me pick-up some vegetables. Then, when we are at some distance from the girls, I light a cigarette.
"Take one!" I say to him, giving him one.
He takes it and lights it. Then, I notice he is not inhaling much. He is not addicted. Probably he took a few drags from Abidet, but still has some road to walk on, until he is a smoker.
"It is your decision if you want to smoke or not", I say. "But if you smoke, you will remain small as you are. Smoking is for grown children and adults. If you want to smoke, don't hide from me. Do it near me and don't worry".
The fact is that, soon after this, Adge started to smoke with Abidet. It did not take long and he smoked with us in the house. What I asked myself is: did I made him a smoker? After convincing maybe 200 people to start smoking, what can I expect from myself?
*******************************
After a few weeks, Aisha, my big daughter, came to me and said:
"Mom, Adge and Abidet are free to smoke. I want too".
"Yes, my dear. Here is one for you". At least she is older then the others. How is it possible that she did not start until now?
"I tried and I cough. Can you help me?"
Oh mine! My own child, asking me to teach her how to smoke! What should I do? I must be their friend, not their enemy. So, I start teaching her.
"Just take a little bit of smoke inside your mouth. Only very little. Then breath in. At first, you only take very little. With time, you will take in more".
**********************************
So, it takes a month and our children are all smokers. Now, they smoke in the house and in the kitchen, with us. Even more, they start to teach their cousins. Once, I was teaching children how to smoke, now my children are doing the same job.
On the other hand, the fact that we allowed them to smoke around us, helped them gain trust in us. Now, after we eat, we all smoke. We do the same when we watch a movie on the laptop or when we are gardening. Aisha smokes while doing her homework.
Well, we always did the best to teach our children to avoid bad things. For example, alcohol, which is the blood of Satan. We always showed drunk people when we seen them around. Alcoholics are ugly, stinky, dirty, never polite and they piss in their beds. We showed our children over and over again how alcoholics are abandoned by their families and how everybody laughs at them. This is the way to talk with a child: to go down to its level and find examples that it will understand.
When I was in the first years of school, my parents used to tell my sisters: 'Don't smoke! Don't do what your sister is doing!' Well, it was the worst decision. Saying no, creates curiosity... and we were in fact all puffing like crazy.
This is with my strong addiction to smoking, our children started it very early. But what with the other addiction, that comes from Alia - Atan? His pantyhose addiction? As we both wear pantyhose and he is partially a transgender, what will happen? The girls are wearing pantyhose when it is cold outside. But Adge, our son? Will he sneak pantyhose from his sisters? Will he be tended to become a transgender like his dad? Will he, at some age, let a longer hair and paint it?
There is one place where Alia - Atan is always dressed as a woman, with fake breasts, with a dress and everything a woman wears. That place is the lake, the abandoned reservoir where I used to come when I was a child or a teen, to tell all my happiness and sadness. We come here from time to time. The children love this place, as they play in the forest and in summer go to swim in the lake.
They grew with their father as he is. The girls are used to wear pantyhose, but not Adge. He is a boy. Well one day Alia did dress him as a girl as we went to the lake, saying him that 'it is allowed only here, nowhere else in the whole world'. And since then, it happened again each time we went, but only here, at the lake.
Two women were sitting at the lake, near the shore. Both had a green dress and green hair. Their pantyhosed feet were touching the water. With one hand, they were hanging each other, while with the other, they were holding their cigarettes. One of the women is me. The other was not a woman at all. He is my husband.
Also, three young girls were playing in the forest around the lake. All three were wearing dresses and all three had their feet covered with pantyhose. They came to sit near us and lighted their cigarettes. The biggest and the smallest are our daughters. The middle one was not a girl at all. He is our son.
END OF PART TWO.
Everything comes to an end and every end is a beginning.
The Wiseman.
The book Smoke And Pantyhose is written for a reason. I wrote it because I think it can help someone. If you are a sfenist, it will help you understand what you are and what you can do. If you are not, but you find one (and mainly if you want to get married to a sfenist), this book will help you find an alternative path. The best of all is if two sfenists find each other and form a family.
As you might have suspected, I am a sfenist. My husband is also a sfenist. It was a miracle that we found each other. Now, we live a happy life. Before my marriage, nobody understood me. Everyone was trying to force me get into a relationship... and the same happened to my husband. We have been together for 10 years and we have children. This is rare, sfenist couples are extremely rare. I only know two, three with me. But, I know at least 15 couples where one is a sfenist and one is not. Also, I know at least 20 sfenists that stay lonely. Majority are women. I know two sfenist women that are lesbians. The past trauma had a significant effect and triggered this. Until now, I never heard about a sfenist gay.
In about 40% of cases, I noticed a slight tendency of becoming a transgender. Well, not completely, not to go to massive body transformations, not even to dress as the opposed sex. What I noticed is more a desire, something hidden and difficult to understand. In case of sfenist women, like myself, I noticed a tendency to behave like a man, to take initiative. In case of men, usually they are victims of gay people. Sometimes they tend to be more polite, to have a feminine side.
What I noticed is that the desire to have sex decreases almost to zero, but hormones still exist. Usually, we, sfenists, stick to a level of sexy, not porn or look, but don't touch. Sfenist couples form much harder, but are extremely solid. I also extended with a few details about children born from sfenists, because they behave different. I know this from my children.
Why smoking and why pantyhose? The answer is that, one of the most easy way to advance in a sfenist relationship is to use what fetishes and passions you have, if you do. You must use whatever you two have common. For another couple, it can be boots and sunglasses and for another it can be cookies and car engines. Well, not only fetishes. Each one must see what passion the other one has. This is the only way I know that works well.
I am a convinced smoker. Everything I wrote about smoking is true for me. It is true that I almost killed my husband because he refused to start smoking. It also is true that he has a pantyhose fetish. From the moment we decided to be together, I have been wearing pantyhose every day and night, to make him happy, just as he has been smoking for me. These two passions of us are the base on which we slowly built our family. Because of this, Smoke And Pantyhose can be considered as a partial autobiography.
Is Nicotiana Ana really me? Well, partial. As I said, it is a partial autobiography. I also used what I know from the other two sfenist couples I know, as well as many things from my imagination. All is done with a clear purpose: to show how sfenist relations form, develop, then reach the level of a family. I mixed a lot of things, but all are inspired from reality.
Names have been changed, as I think it is better to be. The only exception is that I really am nicknamed Nicotiana (and Ana is a shorter version).
Please don't think that all sfenists are like us. My knowledge is still limited to the people I know and to the region I live in.
Why this on Big Closet Top Shelf? The main reason is a very important one. We sfenists are a sexual minority. Well, in fact a part of a far larger minority, known as asexuals. Big Closet Top Shelf is LGBT friendly. From all people I encountered and that are not sfenists, LGBT people understood me far better then anyone else.
And there is another reason. Transgender people seem to understand us very well.
The third reason is that, as I wrote, 40% of sfenists show something in their behavior that belongs to the opposite sex. Well, from here, there still is a long path to a transgender. As I shown, a tendency for cross-dressing can exist, but it will not lead to complete body transformations. This happens mostly in case of sfenist men, since they have been usually abused by gay people.
Where on Earth is the place described in the book, Land Of Mountains? I thought someone else has found where. It is the place where I live. Well, it is not described quite as it really is, but very close to reality. I wish that one day our homeland will be a multitude of small, free states. For sure there will be poverty like today, but will be more freedom. This place, with so many legends and with a long history, is home to some of the oldest and most diverse people and languages on Earth. It is said that the White Race originated here. All the other places described or mentioned, are inspired from real places, but they are not connected this way.
If you are willing to find all lands listed here, draw on a map a straight line between Serbia and beyond the Aral Sea, then look to places crossed by the line or close to the line. You will get through or very close to Land Of Mountains and also through (or close to) all places described. I only give you the real name of a single land described. Land Of Dictators is actually Transnistria (Pridnistrovie).
I placed the action in an area that is familiar to me. Placing the action in the USA, for an example, will be hard, because there is a different style of life that I am not used to. Also, it makes the lecture more interesting this way.
Sometimes the text is ambiguous. Why? The reason is that my native language is not English. It is a rare and old language, not similar to any other language still spoken today. A second reason is that I had very little time free for this. I wrote all in a hurry. Sorry. If you want to repair and correct, feel welcome, but do it on your own edition.
Are all aspects based on something real? In most cases, yes. Cigarette contraband is true, but not quite at this scale. The fact about unsafe railways is true (and sometimes even worse). The story about parents with extreme authority is also true (and made a boy become a sfenist). Everything wrote here comes from something real, including religion and the unwritten law. Well, I never did contraband on such a level and my husband is not a Geological expert.
Also, the story about my laptop is true. It was stolen and crossed a huge distance from hand to hand, until it reached me. It is also true that the woman who used this laptop before me, is now dead. Through accounts listed on a word page, I contacted her husband, who gave me full permission to use her user names. Somehow, she still lives through this. She is in fact Ana Imfinity, not me. I have been using her name ever since, as her husband asked me to, many years ago.
This is the only image I have from the original person, on her old accounts. May peace be upon her soul.
Copyright status? Here is the major difference. I wrote and released the book Smoke And Pantyhose, with all its 30 chapters divided into two parts, with starting page and ending page, into the public domain. Everyone can copy, share, distribute and reproduce parts or the entire text. However, NOBODY has the right to ensure author rights, since it is in the public domain. You cannot copyright or resell this as your work, but you can multiply the text and even sell it, without author rights. It is public domain, if you know what that is. It works like pictures or videos of a mountain. You can do whatever you want with those pictures, but you have no right on the mountain.
If you want to make art from Smoke And Pantyhose, feel welcome. You can make modified versions and do whatever you want with them, but only as long as they really are modified. I would be very happy to see your versions.
Thank you for the patience you showed, waiting me to write all chapters and reading them.
THE END
Well, I don't have a camera to show myself, but I look somehow close to this image. At least, for the hair and the extreme smoking addiction.
I will not display my real name, just as everyone knows me: Nicotiana, Ana or Anaimfinity.
May you be happy.
The Legends Of Abidet
By Ana Imfinity
Eighty years from now, in a divided world, a ghostly undead girl appears. She has incredible powers and a vast knowledge. Nobody knows who she is, except for a few that are worth to know the truth. During the story, you will find many body transformations and many rare sexual minorities. During each chapter, the action is seen through someone else's eyes, but in all chapters, at some point, the ghostly girl appears. Nobody knows who she is or what she is... or even her name. Some consider her to be a goddess, while others, an alien. She is the biggest mystery of all... and a convinced smoker.
Each story is partially independent from the others.
The world is also completely different from ours. It is divided in over 2000 small states. In some places, people live in harmony, while in others, are starving. There is a huge diversity of languages, cultures and ideologies. Still, some chapters are themed to a single person.
The Legends
Chapter 1 - The Beginning
My name is Natasha. I am a street rat, living in a crowded city. I live in garbage and in the sews. I sustain myself from what other people throw in the garbage. Basically, I am a nobody. Don't bother to find out more about me, because there really is nothing much. I don't have parents or friends. Just a few kindly people give me something to eat, some clothes in winter and sometimes a few cigarettes. Maybe I could consider them as my friends... or maybe not.
Other people make fun of me. Almost everyone wants me out. Almost everyone wants me to vanish from their faces. But where should I go? I run from the sews and hide in a trash dumping area. Then I run from there in an abandoned building and so on.
What do I hate the most? Males, with their desire for sex. I am a sfenist. May that be clear to anyone! Nobody is to touch me. Quite nobody. Even if I am poor, if you are a man and try to touch me, I will kill you. Many guys have tried, with money or with force.
Was I like this? No. I had parents and a house, but one day I lost all. I don't want to talk about that and to remember anything that my life was before. I just focus myself to the world I live now in. For me, the only pleasure I still have, from time to time, is to smoke a cigarette.
This city is dangerous. There are gangs, there are other street rats and... a lot of immigrants. I know how to hide, how to avoid dangers. Keeping distance to everyone is the best solution. I search for good places to sleep during day and I move by night.
Today it is very cold. I found something to eat. Now, to find a shelter. I know an abandoned building with a basement. That should do the work. It is always warmer underground. If I manage to enter there and cover myself with my 3 blankets, it will be better. And this is what I do. I throw my things through a hole inside, then I squeeze in. Good! It really is a bit warmer then outside. Some snow managed to enter here too. Time to see if I can get a few moments of sleep in here. I get in a corner and cover myself with all blankets. What is even better for heat? Paper. I put newspapers beneath my clothes. This should work for a few hours.
After doing this, I take a few unfinished cigarettes from my pocket. I have a lot of them. They are still good for one or two smokes. I fall asleep.
When I wake, it is night outside. I again smoke a few unfinished cigarettes, as I look for a plan. What to do now? I know very well where gangs are now... and don't want to mess with them. Slowly, I pull my bag out and try to squeeze myself through the hole, back to the street.
Once out, I find myself surrounded by a few guys.
"Hey, Hawk, don't you want to play?" says one of them.
"Just look what we found here, Snake!" says the other one.
"Guess we can sell her pretty cheap", says another one.
Oh mine! I am now surrounded by some guys. What are they going to do with me? And how can I get out? I look for a way, but don't see any.
"Do you have a name, bitch?" asks one of them.
I don't answer, just watch them to see a way out.
"She doesn't answer", says someone else.
"What should we do with her?"
One of them, which appears to be their leader, comes to me. He examines me, then hits me on the face. I feel the pain, but don't scream.
"She looks strong", he says. "Not crying, not shouting. She is hiding something".
"Come on, Devil!" says one of the guys. "Let's have fun with her, then we sell her for body parts!"
"If you want to, it's fine", says Devil, which appears to be their boss, "but do it fast!"
Soon, they take me by force to a cornered street, where I can see nobody. It is clear that they want to rape me. Should I cry? That is the worst decision. If I cry and police shows up, they will do the same. It happened... and that's how I became a sfenist. Come on, Natasha, think fast! I have to find a way! I must come with a plan.
I know this place! I did sleep twice here, in the sews. There is a house close to here, with its back door always opened. I know, because their son leaves to get to his girlfriend in night... and he lets the door open. Now, it is my chance!
I hit one of the guys in his organs, then the other one holding me, in his belly. Then, I run. I enter the house and run fast through all the rooms, without knowing which way to go. They come after me. I reach the front door and run, only to see them running after me.
"Get her, Snake!" screams one.
"Hawk, to left! Brick, to right! Snake, follow her! Corner her, guys!" orders Devil. Now, what? They will get me. I run, but one of them is running faster. What to do? As he comes close, I lean down to the ground. He just jumps over and falls on the street. I grab his bag and run in a different direction. But where?
"Get her!" screams the guy down. "She's got my package!"
I run as fast as I can. To left, there are many empty streets. To right, I can get in a crowded place... but when a street rat is followed, it means that it has stolen something... and will be sent to police. The only way out is in front, to a former research facility. That is my way out. People avoid it, because it is said to be haunted. Some say it has radioactive debris. Could be. But, what other option do I have? I tried to enter there. It is full with twisted passages, holes, tunnels and many places to hide. Only that now it is night and I have no way to see.. but they also have no way to see.
So, I enter the ruins. I find a corridor. It is some sort of building, but with its floor partially collapsed. There are holes and cracks everywhere. The only light I have comes from the sky. I also hear them, searching for me. I hear them speaking. Devil says:
"Kill her if necessary, but get me the package!"
Then, with one foot I fall into something. It is a big hole. I hardly grab myself to an object, that is lacking stability and falls. I fall too! I hardly manage to put myself together... but the noise was heard. They will come here.
I light the lighter, to see a bit my way through. I am in some sort of a room, with a door at one end. I open the door and move forward, through some sort of tunnel. Let's make no noise! Gently, I continue, one step after the other, but unable to see anything at all. Everything goes on, until I reach water. From here, the tunnel might be flooded.
I sit down and light the remnants of a cigarette. Now, all I can do is hope. Well, what is in the package? I gently open it. It is a metal container, only that it almost has no weight. I also find some cubes of gold. Wow, that is important! That is why they will keep on searching for me until they will find me. Since the last hyperinflation, people now don't trust any sort of money. They prefer to trade using metals and objects. Today, we call these cubes of metal 'money'. Well, I also find a fresh pack of cigarettes and light one. My lungs are so happy, after smoking only used cigarettes for weeks.
I look at the container. It is about 50 cm long and 20 cm round, but weights only a few grams. It has a sealed metal cover and the seal looks old. With the cigarette in my mouth, I open the seal and remove the cover. Something comes out of it, something that doesn't look like anything I've ever seen. It is some sort of gas, but not a gas. It is glowing green and just comes out from the container. I watch this amazed, as the whole tunnel is illuminated by this thing.
"There she is!" shouts someone at the entrance to this tunnel.
"Get her!"
"You will die. bitch!"
The light in front of me takes the shape of a woman. Well, not quite. She has wings and horns and something like a green fire surrounds it. Watching this, amazed, I take another drag from the cigarette. The bad boys are coming and these are my last moments of freedom. I just give-up myself. Fighting is useless now. The strange hologram completes taking its form.
"Help me!" I say to her, without even knowing what she is.
The guys are close now. I see them in the reflected green light.
"Stop!" shouts the hologram, with a powerful voice. "What is happening?"
"Who are you?" says one of the guys.
She does not look at them, only at me. What amazes me is that she also takes a green cigarette and lights it. Smoke comes out green through her mouth.
"They will kill me!" I whisper.
"What is going on?" says the hologram. "Who are you?"
"Natasha", I say.
"And who are them?" she asks to me.
"I don't know".
"Take her!" shouts Devil, this time very close to me.
Two guys get very close to me and try to grab me, but they simply cannot touch. Their hands are unable to reach me.
"Stop now!" the hologram says. "You released me from my prison", she says to me. "As for them, I see in their eyes what they want. To sell this box and you, after they sleep with you. What you want me to do to them?"
I look shocked. What is going on? Who is the hologram? The two guys, after trying to touch me, give-up and sit down. Snake takes a pistol. Oh no! He targets me. I shout and he shoots... but the bullet remains at 20 cm in front of me. It scares me to death. And in fact, it is death, pointing to me.
"I know what is to be done", says the hologram. "Why don't you sell them?"
"What?" I ask, very scared and unable to understand what is going on.
"People like them don't deserve to live, while people like you don't deserve to die. You will have a better life, like you did have".
"Who are you?" shouts Devil to the hologram, as he lights a cigarette.
The hologram instantly turns towards him.
"Now I can see you. Until now, I could only feel you. How many women have you sold? Ten, a hundred? You know, people like you don't deserve to live".
Devil takes a knife and turns towards the hologram, with much anger. As he touches her, he yells of pain. Each part of his body that touched her, is burned. Black. Carbonized. The hologram moves and touches Devil's body at his genitals. Then, she moves towards the other guys. They try to move, but simply cannot. They are paralyzed and scream. She touches them all at their genitals.
"Now, all these guys will be women. Let's see who will they rape now. Just tell everyone you met The Legend. Run, guys! Run and save your lives, but everyone will laugh at you!"
They abandon their things and run. The hologram then turns to me and says:
"Thank you for setting me free!"
"Who are you?" I ask.
"I was something like you", she says, gently touching my face. I feel her fingers are a bit cold and pass through me. "Take all their things and build a new life. Buy yourself a house, wash, get clothes and find a job. Now, please come with me".
We go through the water. On surface, it is frozen, but I feel no cold. It is like walking in a river in summer. Quite nice. We travel through the tunnel and reach an exit. At that point, she looks at me, gently touches me again and says:
"Once, I lived in the mountains. People like them sold me and killed me. Now, I am back. Take good care of you, Natasha!"
She opens her wings and starts flying. A green trail of fire remains after her. I watch all this, not knowing what to say. She said she is The Legend. Well, she saved my life.
"Thank you!" I shout from where I am.
As she moves away, I feel my feet wet. Oh no! It is freezing outside and I am wet. This is not going to look well. Where can I change? When this happens, I only have one way: to the sews, to where the hot water pipes are located. In order to stay there, you have to pay, but now I have money. So, there is where I go. Then, suddenly, I see a bright light behind me, followed by a powerful sound. A huge explosion in the ruins! When I look. I see a ball of fire rising from the ground and a small and bright green light circling it.
I go to the sews and pay for entry. I know this place well. The 'owner' is a rich street rat. I go to a corner and put my feet on a hot pipe, to dry-up. Then, in morning, I move away and look what I have in all bags. It is just enough to buy a small house in the suburbs and to get a few clothes. My life has changed.
*****************
Everybody in the city has seen the explosion. It was on the news. What nobody could understand, is what actually was the green light circling around. For a few nights, people had seen the same green light moving above the city. Some feared it was a drone, maybe from a rival state wanting to nuke us. I was the only one to know... and I moved to a local television, to confess what happened. I did, but nobody believed me. Still, some people confessed that they have seen her in the coming days, but nobody could take a photo.
About two weeks later, I got a job, as a barman, where I still work today.
*****************
Now it's summer. I am here at the bar, serving clients. A woman comes and takes a seat and lights a cigarette.
"A beer!" she says.
I take a beer and brings to her.
"Natasha?" she says, looking at me.
"How you know that name?" I ask.
People no longer know me as Natasha. I changed my name into Natalia since I changed my life.
"You were in the tunnel", she says. "You stolen my bag. I am Snake... I mean, I was".
I look so shocked at this.
"What happened to you?" I ask shocked.
"The Legend touched us... and we hardly made it back. We were very sick. We had huge pains in our bodies. For a week we screamed and convulsed of pain. Then, we were no longer us. All of us became women in this time".
I also light a cigarette near her. I no longer feel her (or him) as an enemy, but as a friend.
"Without papers, we were simply immigrants. What should we do as girls? Some of us went night to make a robbery, but were caught by others and sold. The others had no other choice but to prostitute. This is what I did until I earned enough money to get a house and find a job. The Legend punished us exactly with what we did to women many times and exactly with what we were going to do to you".
"I am sorry for you", I say.
"No need to be sorry. I got what I deserved. There is only one thing that I don't understand and I will never understand. Who is that Legend? Or, more precisely, what is her?"
"She said she comes from the mountains", I answer.
"From the mountains? We found that container in the ruins", he/she says. "There was a nuclear research facility. Brick picked it up of curiosity".
I never seen The Legend again. I have no idea who she is or what she is. From that moment on, me and Snake became good friends. He is now a woman, but his soul remains that of a man. Even if he is a woman, having a relation with a man is strongly repulsive to him. I understand him very well and I will help him adjust his life as a woman... as a lonely woman, just like me.
The Legends
Chapter 2 - The Woman Soldier
A girl dies and resurrects 80 years later, in a divided world. Each chapter is the story of a person who encountered her, in a different place and a different state. She sometimes helps other people, but nobody knows who she is.
I might had a name once, but now people call me Cat. I am a woman but all my life I wished I were a boy. My father was a war hero, who fought and died on foreign soil. I don't remember anything about my mother, she was killed when I was too young. I still remember things from the front, where I grew-up with my dat. At 10, I got my first kill. That was when the nukes were flying. Then, as I was nearly 20, I had to return home, only that there was no home at that time. Earth map has changed beyond recognition. So, I just stepped into a state that once was a province of a larger empire. There, I became a nobody. Weapons are not for women and women are expected to get married and obey their husbands. Well, not for me. I grew-up among soldiers and all the time I felt like one of them. I feel like a man. I even watched them when they had a pleasant visitor, as they used to call women doing prostitution. I wished I could make love like men do. How could I accept to be married with a man? How could I accept to listen to a man? But, in this new world, you have to do what everyone does. Gay and lesbian people are killed without question.
So, I got married against my will with a guy. He used to get drunk over and over. One day, I could not support this any longer and I killed him. From that moment on, I knew I have to run. So, where to go? I had only one choice. About 50 km from that town, there was a big city once, but it was nuked. Nobody lives there, except for a few outlaws. That was my only chance. I ran away, to save my life.
Now, I have been living in the ruins for 5 years. The bomb exploded 20 years ago. I should be worried about radiation, but what can I do? After all this time, nature started to reclaim the land. The former city is now becoming a forest. I sustain myself by hunting. Sometimes I go out for a robbery, alone or with other people. I always protect women, who have a harsh time in these days. In fact, I am a lesbian, but don't dare to say to anyone.
I managed to survive here and have everything I need, except one thing: smoke. I am a convinced smoker. I started smoking very early on the front, before I even knew how to read. This addiction is beyond my limits and it made me once kill for a pack of cigarettes. I managed to plant tobacco seeds and now I smoke pipe, here, in the ruins.
**************
It is now spring. Good that the winter passed away. It is a cold morning. The campfire at the entrance is smoking its last branches. I get out from my bed, which is just a heap of hay. It is cold, but as a soldier, I have to start the day. I go out, take my old military clothes off. Naked, I wash my self in the icy water of a pond. Then, I dress back. Breakfast is some rabbit meat from my previous hunt. I put some tobacco in my pipe and light it. My lungs are hungry for smoke, more then my stomach was hungry for food. The smoke gets inside me and I feel it.
"Well, Cat, time to put a new trap, to catch something else", I say to myself.
A few days ago I caught a dog, yesterday I got a rabbit. I go out and prepare the trap. Who knows what will this time be. Then, I go back to make fire again, to heat some water. I need to wash some clothes. After washing, I put the clothes on a wire, to dry-up. I light a new pipe and smoke.
Then, I hear something. Gunfire, some dogs barking, then a scream. What is going on? I throw water in the fire and grab my gun. Carefully, I move keeping myself down. I know very well how to hide. People cannot smell, but dogs can. People cannot see you in certain areas. Dogs don't have that good view, but can smell and hear. Once, I hidden from a patrol in a road ditch. They just moved along the road, scanning the horizon for me and had no idea I was near them. I move on a former street. A few abandoned homes are on both sides. Plants have grown all around, even on the road. I lean down on the ground, beneath a big boulder of concrete. My head is behind a bush. I know that dense vegetation can allow me to see them, but not them to see me.
I see them. There are four guys, with dogs. They are after something. Then, I see something else: a woman. She is running, but she really does not know how to hide. She is moving to another street. They see her and run after her. She forces the door of a house, but it's locked. I hear another gunfire. She runs again. This time, she goes to a former supermarket.
I start moving towards her position. She enters. The four men have seen her and they are heading in the same direction. They don't see me.
"What should you do, Cat?" I ask myself. "Should I save her? These guys have weapons, which is a dangerous thing. I might catch them, but they might shoot me as well". I enter the supermarket on a back door. Everything here is a mess. Everything that was food, was long eaten before. But, there still are many useful things. "Wouldn't it be nice to toast some guy eggs?" I say to myself, laughing.
I grab a big cover pot and put it beneath my soldier uniform. This should deflect some bullets. Now, let's go to where the woman should be. If I am right, she would not see the many small holes that can save her. Instead, she will run forward. And yes, I see her.
"Maybe she has something to trade", I say to myself.
She goes forward and... falls into a trap. Someone placed a wire on the ground, to catch an animal. The wire gets around her foot and she falls down. A counterweight falls somewhere and she ends-up hanging above ground and screaming.
I run to her and take my knife. With a jump, I cut the wire.
"Come with me", I say fast.
I take her to one of the many holes that might have saved her life. She is so scared, all sweat and hyperventilating. Oh mine! What should I do now? If she doesn't calm, she will attract the dogs.
"Calm down!" I whisper.
She does not say anything, but doesn't calm down.
"I am Cat", I say. "What's your name?"
"Rosalia", she answers, crying.
"Rosalia, what have you done?" I whisper.
"Nothing", she says, crying.
The four guys are here. They split and search every corner. I know they will come to where we hide. Dogs will find us before.
"I need to know what you really did", I whisper again.
She says nothing. I need a plan. But first, I need to calm a bit.
"Roaslia, do you have a cigarette?" I ask.
"What?" she says surprised.
Well, she does smoke and gives me the whole pack. I grab one and light. This is good and will calm me down.
"Dogs will smell the smoke", she whispers.
"I don't think so", I say.
Well, one guy is closer. I push Rosalia deep into the hole, while I hide close to the exit. He doesn't see us, just passes by. He is more interested in useful things that might be recovered. By the time I finish this cigarette, another guy is coming. It is the one with the gun.
"Get ready, Cat", I whisper.
He comes closer and sees the hole. He pulls his shotgun inside. Then, with one hand I grab it, while with the other hand, I hit his balls. As I grab the gun, a bullet is discharged in the whole and Rosaila shouts.
"Die, infidel!" I scream to him.
He retreats about one meter away. I point the shotgun to him. The other guys come here fast, but the dogs are faster. I shoot one dog and it dies instantly. The other one, just move away. I drop the shotgun back in the hole and take my gun.
"Who wants to get out of this life first?" I ask.
I see that they don't have any other weapons, except a few knives.
"What has she done?" I shout.
"She was caught with another man", says the guy that had the shotgun. "You know the law, she must die".
"If you want her, you have to bargain with me", I say. "What do you give me in exchange?"
Rosalia cries in the back, hearing this. The guys say nothing.
"Yea?" I say. "But her lover got no punishment, I bet".
"He is a man. Men have the right to have extra-marriage relations".
"You know what?" I say. "I think I will make an omelet with all your balls. Wow! Four persons, that means eight eggs. I take your balls and she goes with you. Deal?"
"Damn you, bitch!" shouts one of them.
"Pathetic", I say, spitting on the ground. "Ok. If you have nothing to trade, then I put it simple. I count to 3 and you leave. If not, I kill you. One..."
They don't move. They just don't know what to do.
"Two..."
Then, I shoot the former owner of the shotgun, between his feet. I don't intend to hit his organs, just to graze his skin. He shouts of pain and moves away. They all move away.
"Three!"
I shot again, not with the intention to hit someone. Well, that was enough. They now run like crazy. We get out and head to my hideout. We also take the dog with us, to cook.
"Thank you for saving my life", says Rosalia.
"Yes, I saved your life", I say, "but that's not big deal. Tomorrow, maybe you will save mine".
"Were you really going to bargain me?"
"Yes, if you were guilty of something very bad".
"I didn't cheat my husband", says Rosalia. "That lover went in, but not for me. For Marguerita".
"Another wife?" I ask. "How many does he have?"
"Five", she answers.
Oh mine! This rotten world is really turning upside down. She doesn't say anything, only helps me to raw the skin, take the guts out and make a fire. We are going to eat dog stake today. Then, as we eat, I notice she is not used to this kind of food. She has a strong smell of perfume and expensive clothes. Sure, she comes from a rich family. There is no way she can survive for long here.
Now, what should I do? It is not easy to survive alone in here, but with another mouth to feed, this will be really hard. I advice her to cross the border. It is the only hope she has. I know well how these things work. Some bribery to the customs and all is done. No big deal. I tell her exactly what she needs to go and she leaves, giving me some gold. That is good. I got more then if I would get by selling her. Anyway, I would have sell her only if she did something very bad, like abandoning her children or killing someone helpless.
As evening comes, I make the campfire, close to the entrance door. I eat again, then prepare my pipe for a smoke. It is hard to be completely alone for a long time. So, sometimes I just talk to myself using voice.
"If my father were here, to see what he died for"... "I wish I were a man"... "Someone has to bring justice to this place".
At that moment, I see a green light outside. Or is it a green light? Am I hallucinating? It vanishes almost instantly.
The next day, I go out from my hideout. Not far from here, there is a lake. Once, it was a recreation park, now it is a forest. I often sit here and enjoy the view. Buds are growing in the trees, waiting to become leaves and branches. Flowers are everywhere. A few trees are white or pink because of the many flowers they hold. The fresh green grass is growing under my feet. Birds are singing, undisturbed by anyone. How much beauty does the nature have? How much joy? I watch a squirrel going down from a tree, a few butterflies moving in the sun and the endless insects roaming.
I just take the boots off, to feel the grass with my toes and lean down. I take one cigarette left from Rosalia and light. Smoke gets out in the air. Then, I see something that I never seen before. Above the trees, there is something green flying. And that green thing goes down to the ground. I look closer. It appears to be a human, a green human, but with wings. It looks like a woman. As it gets closer, I see her to have some sort of green fire above her head and surrounding her body. Even more, she has horns. She looks partially like a hologram, partially real. I instantly stand, but don't take a defensive position. She doesn't seem dangerous.
"Cat, don't worry. I am not going to hurt you", she says, with a feminine voice.
I see her closer. She has a short top, a summer skirt and some unusual, transparent shoes. Her hair is green and nearly touches her shoulders. She has green lips, green eyes and green glasses. Oh mine! Is this real or not? I pinch my hand. If this is a dream. I should wake-up.
"Sit down on the grass, I won't hurt you", she says again.
"Who are you?" I ask.
"I am The Legend", she says, sitting on the grass, near me.
Now, I see her much better. Her body is covered with some sort of pantyhose costume. Her skin is in fact white, perfectly white and glowing. She has green nails and a green necklace. With one hand, she holds a cigarette with green flame. When she smokes, she also puffs green smoke. I sit on the grass near him.
"What legend? Whose legend?" I ask.
"Just like this: The Legend. I seen you saving Rosalia. I seen you saving Esmeralda. You have a good soul, Cat".
"I am not a good person. I killed people".
"Don't worry, some males really deserve to die", she says. "I know you. I can see it in your eyes that you are a soldier and you want to fight for a better future".
"I did fight", I say. "My dad was a soldier too".
"I know. I see in your eyes this. And you would like to fight again".
"Me? But with who and what for?" I ask. "How could I fight? Who will join me? And besides, I am a woman".
"Do you want to be a man?" she asks me.
"I would. But how could that be possible?"
"It is", she says.
As saying so, she touches my body. Well, her hands gets inside me. I feel a gently touch, more like air is flowing over my skin. It is a bit cold. She moves her hands to my breasts. I feel her, working inside them. Then, she moves down to my genitals.
"Don't worry", she says. "Just let me. You will become a man in all aspects. The only thing that will not change is your DNA. You will have the DNA of a woman, but with the organs of a man. You will not have the Y chromosome".
"What does that mean?" I ask, feeling her working in my genitals.
"It means that you will be able to have children, but only girls".
"How could that be possible?" I ask, not trusting her.
"In a week, Cat. Just wait a week".
Just as she works on my body, I start feeling some sort of pain in my breasts. What is going on? I take the last drag from my cigarette and throw it away.
"Your transformation will be complete in a week", she says. "Then, you will return to the town and change your life".
After saying this, she opens her wings and starts flying. As she moves away, I notice she also has a tail. Then, I feel the pain increasing in my body. My breasts are hurting. Everything hurts. I try to get back to my hideout... and hardly make it. As I arrive, I throw-up.
"What is this?" I whisper.
But my voice is not that of a woman. It is more that of a man. What??? Am I becoming a man? I hardly make the fire and prepare my bed. Everything hurts in my body.
When I wake-up, I am surprised not to feel my breasts as usually. I take down my soldier jacket and look. Wow! They are separated from my body. Fresh skin has grown beneath them. My former breasts are just pieces of meat covered by skin. I take them out and drop them near me. I continue to feel a lot of pain inside me and I cannot eat anything... but I feel a need to smoke more then usual.
The second day, I notice another change in my body. I feel less pain, but I piss with blood. The 3rd day, I urinate as I should do, even if I feel a lot of pain inside me. My genitals are shrinking and closing. Everything is changing. The fourth day, I have no genitals, just a pee hole. The fifth day, I feel a lot of pain from the area and see something unexpected. Something is growing. I have a small penis, but it hurts me a lot, as it is growing. Also, I start to notice some mustache and beard. It takes me about ten days until I no longer feel any pain at all.
Now I look like a man and feel like one. I have everything a man has. I have no idea who this ghost was, but I know that this changed my life. I return to the town, without any problem. I am a bit shorter and thinner then an average man, but I am going to show them some respect.
Men are treated equal in this land, while women are oppressed.
**************
After I go back to town, I quickly find myself a job, as a bodyguard. I earn money and in a few weeks get a house. Then, in an year, I start my own business, a textile factory. I higher lonely women and pay them equal salaries with men. This is my new fight: to offer an alternative life to women. In fact, they are keeping the factory running and growing, not me. And soon after this, other employers start to higher women, which in many aspects are better then men.
At the factory, a woman comes and asks for a job. Immediately I recognize her. It's Rosalia, the woman I saved. I grant her a job. As time passes, I get in love with her and she with me. Time passes and we form a couple. Then, one day, she says:
"You know, two years ago I was not like that. I was running away and a woman named Cat saved my life".
This makes me laugh.
"What is so funny, Cat?" she asks, not knowing that she is talking to the same person.
"And that woman tried to sell you to her attackers?" I answer.
"Yes. How do you know?"
"She told me", I answer, laughing even more and lighting a cigarette. "Do you want a cigarette, darling?"
"Ok", she says, taking my offer. "But still I don't understand why are you laughing".
"Because you gave me a cigarette back in the abandoned supermarket. Now I give it back to you".
**************
There are a few other people that have seen The Legend flying around. Even Rosalia has seen her in the day I saved her, as she was running to the border. Just over that border, there is an idyllic democracy, where people are equal and where probably nobody is suffering. There, people also have spotted a strange green light in the sky. What amazes me is that The Legend came to me and changed me from a woman to a man. Why did she do this? Why did she help me? There are many sick people in hospitals and on the street and she never came to them. She never talked with anyone else.
The biggest question remains unsolved: Who is she? I think she is a ghost... but the ghost of who?
The Legends
Chapter 3 - The Lonely Woman
A girl dies and is resurrected 80 years later, in a divided world. Her ghostly body has incredible powers, including the power to transform others' bodies. Nobody knows who she is or what her reasons are, except the few that are worth to know the truth.
My name is Astana. I grew-up from a very young age as a library mouse or a book grinder. This is the only thing I knew to do all my life: to learn and to read. I graduated the Literature University with the best marks from all students. This is why I was chosen to world's largest library, known as Byblos. This is where all humanity's knowledge is stored, on the memory of a supercomputer. All books ever wrote, all drawings, all paintings, all sounds, songs and music recordings, all videos, all 3D simulations, all digital articles, everything is stored here. It is an amazing place. Since I got here, nothing else ever matter to me. I work here as much time as I can.
Want to know more about me? There really is nothing. I am about 30 years old, woman, natural black hair, black eyes. I am small and skinny. I never use make-up and never did. I just wear all the time a small white dress and white flip-flops. Nothing else, ever. I eat as fast as I can and always in front of a computer, reading a digital book. I sleep only when I am too tired to do anything. All day, I do nothing then library work, sorting books and other creations. When I am free, I read whatever I find.
I never had a boyfriend, never had a kiss and I never will. I was never interested in anything else then books and other creations. I never had even the slightest sexual desire. I am a perfect asexual. So perfect, that when I was 20, I ordered a medical treatment to stop my genital period forever, to get more time for books. So, my body produces almost no hormones at all.
The library is on a remote and large island in the Arctic Ocean, where climate changes, wars, nukes and tsunamis will never reach. I've never been out from the library and I don't wish to. Since I am here, I am very lonely, but never feel that way. I am friendly with all workers in the library, but usually they leave me alone in my room, in front of my computer. All creations made by humanity are stored on a server that is only the size of a pack of cigarettes. It is amazing what diverted matter can do! It can organize at subatomic level computers and devices that, with conventional matter, will require the size of the Great Pyramid. We also have two backup servers, that store data in case the main server is damaged.
Our library was founded 50 years ago, by one of the former empires, now it is a free state. We get our money from commercial add-ons. Well, that is not my problem. I usually am so focused on what I do, that someone else needs to come, bring me food and clean the room. Usually, nobody disturbs me in the remaining time.
I do have something that many people find strange: I smoke. I started this on my own, when I was in the University. Nobody told me to. It was my personal decision. Since then, I have been smoking almost only slim cigarettes. All day long, as I sit in front of my computer and work or read, I have a slim cigarette in my mouth or in my hand. Those who bring me food, also bring me what I need to smoke. When I finish one, it doesn't take more then five minutes and I light another one.
On rare occasions, people come to me, usually for help, to find something or to find their ways in life. I am friendly to them and try to help, even if this means I need to stop my work. Usually, they come to me when they exhausted all other options. I can spend a whole day trying to help someone, but this happens usually once in a few weeks. All the rest of time, I spend alone. Anyway, given how difficult is to reach the Arctic islands, not many people dare to go here. If you want to talk to me, I don't accept an internet account. Come here and see me face to face.
To increase my working power, I made many brain implants. I have a lot of computer hardware in me. This does not affect my personality, but increases my brain power and memory storage. Sometimes, I disconnect the add-ons, to remember how it is to be human.
***********
Today, I finished my work, sorting music that computer automated systems could not sort. I finished my work and take a fast look to see what is going on in the world. I read the news. All looks ok to me. I light a cigarette and read about the human colonies that rich people are building in the Solar System. Rich people are going away, letting all of us here. Maybe the world will be safer without them.
I see a strange green light in the room. I look and something is entering through the wall. Some sort of hologram, but it doesn't look like one. I got it! Diverted matter, the only thing that can do such a thing. I see the silhouette of a woman around 20 years old. She is all green, dressed with a short blouse and a skirt. She has green hair, horns and wings. Around her and above her head, I see some sort of green fire. As she comes closer to me, I see that all her body, except for the hands and the head, is covered with a fine textured tight body suit, partially transparent, that resembles pantyhose. Her skin is in fact white, glowing. She has green lipstick and green eyes. She has green, transparent shoes with high heels, but she seems to be more flying then walking. And all the time, she wears a green cigarette and is smoking. Smoke is also green and glowing.
"If you are a hologram, I will not answer to you", I say. "Come directly yourself and talk to me".
"Astana", she says, "I need your help".
She comes and touches me on a shoulder. I feel her touch. It is a bit cold and her hands get inside me. No hologram can do that.
"Who are you?" I ask.
"I am The Legend", she says.
I immediately check on my computer. I've seen in the news, rumors about a flying green object. Some people say it is an alien, others say it is a goddess from the past, a ghost, a hologram or a drone. Is she really the legend?
"Prove me that you are not a hologram", I say. "If you really are The Legend, you can do things no hologram can do. Take a cigarette from my pack!"
I see the pack opening and a cigarette coming out in the air. Then, my lighter moves and lights it. Then, the cigarette goes to my hand and sticks between two fingers, at my hand.
"Is that prove enough?" she asks.
"Yes, it is", I say. "How did you find me?"
"I've seen a guy working on a computer and saying that you have all the knowledge in the world at your disposal. So, I came to you".
"In fact, not me. The library has all this".
I am still in very amazed of this. I did read books and articles about ghosts and spirits. It is not that I don't believe them or I do. As long as there is not a clear scientific prove, I question these things until further research is done. But now, seeing this creature near me, is really shocking. Anyway, I am not afraid. She doesn't seem scary at all.
I look at her, taking the newly lighted cigarette to my mouth and inhaling. I touch her and feel her body. It is like touching a cloud of smoke, only that it does not move. My hand gets inside her body. Inside, I feel a little cold. I even blow smoke to her and see it is going through her body, even if somehow it is slowed down. In a form, diverted matter interacts with conventional matter. Seeing this, she also blows a cloud of smoke to me... and I feel it, a bit cold, as it passes through my body and vanishes.
I feel a bit when touching her. It is amazing. I touch her arms, her feet, then even the green fire above her head. It is not a fire, actually it is cold.
"Do you know what happened to me?" she asks.
"It appears you are made of diverted matter", I say, still very amazed. "It is the form of matter that remains when you extract almost all energy from conventional matter. It only has one trillionth the energy left. Diverted matter can be found in tiny amounts around plasma, like fires, but in far larger amounts in the cores of stars, in neutron stars and around black holes".
"That is what I am made of?" she asks.
"I think so", I answer. "Nothing else can work like this. Diverted matter is almost weightless and can organize in incredibly complex structures".
"I was a girl".
She was a human? What is this?
"And how did you become like this?" I ask.
"Astana, please, I am not ready to tell you all. In fact, I don't remember everything. I was a girl, in the mountains. I was kidnapped... then raped, tortured"...
She makes a break. I understand it is hard for her to say.
"Don't, if you feel you cannot say more", I say. "Just tell me what you feel you can say".
"They almost killed me!"
I try to touch her, to help, but how can you touch diverted matter? She is shaking and I see tears in her eyes. She takes a puff from her cigarette, then says:
"Then, they took me to other guys".
She takes another inhale and lets a cloud of smoke out through her green lips.
"Those guys started to do strange things on me. They pierced me with needles. I don't know what for. They injected a lot of glowing staff in me. They pierced me from one side to the other, not caring that it was so painful. There was a lot of machinery, a lot of computers around. Some people looked like scientists, but a few... well a few, looked like drug dealers. I don't know, Astana, what they did to me".
I look at her, thinking about what can that be. She then says:
"I am sorry, I cannot say more. After that, I don't remember clearly what happened to me. I remember being in something like a big jar, while other people were looking at me and talking about me. All is scrambled in my mind. I remember that I waked-up in a small container, where I was held tight. I think I stayed for years in there, until a street girl opened it".
"Poor little you", I say.
As I say this, I take a last drag from my cigarette and put it in the ashtray. She moves at some distance from me and seem to not see me clearly. I light another slim cigarette, as she comes back to where she were. How that she is connected with smoking like this?
"Since then, I traveled through many places. It seems I know all languages and a lot of science, even if I never were good at school. I have strange powers and from the moment I left the container, I knew how to use them. It is like I was trained for something. I don't know for what. I know that my name is The Legend, but I remember my name to be a different one".
I show her a research paper on the computer, with what I think might happened to her.
"Look at this", I say. "Robots of diverted matter. During the Debt Crisis, there was a secret research facility in what is now The Free State Of Lijiang. They tried to make spying robots of diverted matter, but failed, because nobody could organize a computer so powerful to handle the complex structure diverted matter has. Later, they experimented with humans, trying to copy the brains into diverted matter. The experiments failed, because, no matter what they tried, they could not counter desires and addictions from humans. They thought that the human soul gets trapped into diverted matter, just like in conventional matter. The experiments were brutal and only a few survived in thousands of people. However, all was lost during the Environmental Crisis. If this is what happened to you, it means you are very old, maybe over 50 years".
She reads the article and looks very surprised.
"My memories are really scrambled", she says. "I remember the faces of my parents, but I have no idea where I lived. Only that it is in the mountains. What I do remember is that I have a name and that name is Abidet".
"Well, that can help", I say, searching on the computer, on People Database. "Abidet is used by a hundred of thousand people. Almost all speak the same language and are located mainly in two places, two free states in the Land Of Mountains. But, I cannot find out who is you... or who of them were you. Do you remember anything else, like an important event in your childhood?"
"Not much", she says. "I do!" she then says, surprised. "I remember I went with my parents to Mecca and just at that time a terrorist attack blown the airport and closed all planes. We had to travel by bus to another city and take an airplane from there".
I search a few minute and find it.
"Good, Abidet, this is really helpful", I say, searching through the data. "Here you are! That occurred exactly 88 years ago. Can you remember how old were you at that time?"
"I think I was between 10 and 15, don't know exactly", she says. Well, I know I am 17... or I were. I also remember a big earthquake that made a big dam collapse. I seen it on the news. I had that in my mind, when I was kidnapped".
"Have you any idea where?" I ask her.
"It was on TV. I don't know. It flooded a big city, with sky-scrappers".
I search the data. What major events occurred in the coming years after the terrorist attack in Mecca airport? As I finish my cigarette, I instantly light another one, so she will not go. Soon the correct data appears on the screen:
"Here you are, Abidet", I say. "Yellow River. A massive dam collapses after an earthquake, about a million people died and much more remained homeless".
"I remember the image!" she screams. "That's it!"
"This occurred 83 years ago", I explain.
"This is why nothing looks like the world I got used to. Almost a century passed. Astana, what happened to this world?"
"Abidet, the world we live in is very different from the world you knew", I say. "We passed three crisis in these 80 years: Debt Crisis, Environmental Crisis and Nuke Crisis. You must know that 30 years ago, the world was divided between three superpowers, who were ruled by dictators. How it ended, might be considered as the third world war, but it wasn't so violent. The remaining rogue states, to survive, developed atomic weapons. When two of them felt threatened, they used their nukes and destroyed capital cities of the three empires. Of course, the two states were destroyed. We call this the Nuke Crisis. Not many atomic bombs have fallen, but they killed the dictators and their royal courts. What remained are regional leaders, governors and generals, who were greedy and willing to take part of the former states. All empires and large states got divided into endless smaller units. Basically, every region, province, county, territory or oblast, wanted to be free. Also, people were moving freely in every direction. Ethnic groups returned to their homeland, but also many immigrants moved freely. This continued until a new equilibrium was achieved".
"Thank you for the crash-course of History", she says.
"The world now is divided into over 2000 states. The largest are at maximum 1500 km long or wide, while the smallest is about a square km. There are successful democracies and ruthless dictatorships, there are places where people are very happy and where people are starving. The major difference from your time is that globalization no longer exists. Almost every state has nukes. If one state interferes into another in any way, its neighbors will use the atomics against it. This happened twice. This keeps a global peace in place".
She sits down near me on the floor, listening me. I move my chair a bit further away and sit near her. As we sit, I touch one of her feet with mine. My toes are touching her transparent shoes.
"Is there something I can do for you?" she says.
"No", I say. "I don't know what you could do for me".
"I don't have any friends. I lost all when I... died, if I can say so".
"I have no friends and never had", I answer. "I am a very lonely person and I love being so".
"I have the power to change things inside a living organism. I changed gender to a few people. What is more strange, is that I knew how to do it, even if I never did this before. I can stop objects from moving and many things. Still, I don't know all what this body can do. I can throw heat waves like fire or absorb heat. I think my body feeds with heat and radiation. Sometimes this frightens me, Astana".
"Don't worry! I will try to do some research about this. Maybe I can find more. Feel welcome to come anytime I am awake".
"Astana", she says, "there is something I can do for you. Let me check if you are healthy".
"I think I am ok", I answer. "Except for a few cavities in my teeth, of course".
"I can repair them too".
"If you can, feel welcome".
She moves her hands inside my body. I feel a bit cold as she does so. She moves inside my mouth too. Will she cure my teeth? I think she is doing this right now. Next, she works around my chest.
"Smoking did something to you", she said. "Let me repair you and make you stronger, so you can smoke all your life without problems".
I feel her working inside me. Then, she moves down.
"Your ovaries are atrophied", she says.
"Don't repair them", I say. "I am an asexual".
"Ok, I understand you very well, Astana. I seen in your eyes that you have no sinful desires. Don't worry, I will not touch them".
Then, she moves to my feet and gently works inside them, all the way to my toes.
"Done. Your body will strengthen a bit, so that you can live to an advanced age without any problems".
"Thank you, Abidet!" I say.
She then opens her wings and says:
"No. I thank you".
Then, she flies through the walls and gets out of the library.
***********
The next day, I feel a bit dizzy for a while. Amazed, I see my teeth are repaired and seem to be much stronger. I also feel my body more strong then before. What else is different, is that from that day I never seen hair growing on my feet, on my arms or my body, anywhere else then the head. Also, my voice changed a bit.
In the coming days, I tried to learn whatever I could about the experiments on humans with diverted matter. What I see is that most of people died during the experiments. Most who survived, in fact ended with huge psychological problems. There is little official data, since the site was destroyed, when people found out the cruelty of the experiments.
However, there is something unofficial, the diary of a worker from that facility. He comes with some strange comments:
Today, we programmed a target to look like a baseball player. As he became awake, he changed into a Buddhist monk, as he were before. However, when we programmed him to look like a Christian monk, he did not change. I think it is something in the target's personality that influences its behavior. It is not just what he were in its life, but also its desires, wishes, passions and addictions.
We can upload as much data as we want, it all gets assimilated. However, some data, even if it was assimilated, never is accessed. For example, we learned one subject the language of its enemy, but it refused to speak in that language. On the other hand, data that corresponds to their interests, passions and addictions, is very fast shown. The best example is a target who was an alcoholic and is focusing all its energies on this purpose.
It looks like younger targets and targets with less education are more suitable for this. This is what I thought, but there is one target that shows the opposite. It is a girl that we acquired from a poor rural mountain region. Whatever we do, she returns to the same green clothes, green hair, wings and horns. Also, she is so addicted to smoking, more then anyone I knew. She has the most complex personality and behavior from all targets.
I think we should better focus on developing a computer able to handle diverted matter, then trying to make a human soul work with it. Even if we gain partial control over them, through their passions and interests, it is highly probable that at some point they will riot against us.
Maybe the most surprising of all, is if you try to transform a transgender or someone belonging to a sexual minority. A transgender will behave like the gender it tries to fit into, never like the original gender. Also, we have a gay target, which becomes a woman. But, such targets are rare to find. As for now, the best targets are young children.
Well, now I know what happened to Abidet. Sometimes I wonder how she could handle all this. How hard should it be for someone to wake-up and find that you are a ghost and all the world you knew is now gone? If she returns to me, I will do my best to help her.
***********
Author's note: I try to avoid giving real names to places, because some readers might be from there. In the original project for The Legends Of Abidet, I used a whole chapter to describe the alternate history, with names for many states and empires. Also, in every chapter, my plan was to pinpoint a clear Geographic location and a fast historical description.
The Legends
Chapter 4 - The New Vampires
A girl dies and resurrects with a ghostly body, 80 years later, in a divided world. These are the stories of people who encounter her and witness her unusual powers. Nobody knows who she is or what she is, except the few who are worth to know the truth.
I am Vlad and she is Andrada. We are in love and we have been so for enough time. We live in a civilized state, with a powerful and healthy economy. Here, people are happy to live in a healthy democracy, where all human rights are respected. People have all the freedom they want. It was not like this. We were a province of a former empire, scourged by war and famine. But, after the war, people came together and decided to start a new life. We built new cities, since the old ones were destroyed beyond recovery. The time of war is long gone. Now, it is time for joy and happiness.
What is amazing in here, is that people are free to look the way they want. Nobody will stop you if you have horns or if you have all your body tattooed. Even if you walk naked on the street, nobody will stop you, as long as you don't disturb the peaceful life of any other citizen. Our state guarantees freedom to all ideologies, to all religions, to all ethnic groups, to all languages, to all sexual minorities and to all people, at unlimited level.
Since we are together, we tried to copy each other. I heard this is the best way to become a more united couple. Whatever one likes, the other one must do. Whatever one does, the other one must do. This is how we work. It all advanced up to incredible levels. Andrada smokes and even if I hated smoking all my life, I started to, only to be like her. I never drink coffee and she stopped drinking that black substance for me.
There is something else that we share, it is our passion for the dark world. This is what actually brought us together. We met each other at a Goth festival. At that time, we were dressed like regular citizen. I always had a passion for werewolves and vampires. She also was interested in the dark, undead world. This is what helped us build our relationship. We spent hours studying and talking.
Now, that we are a family, we both have a job. Andrada works in chemical industry. The world has long exhausted its oil reserves, but there still is some oil beneath the ground. Well, it is not worth extracting it for fuel. Still, what oil, coal and gas exists in the world, is used in chemical industry in certain areas, like pharmaceutics and pesticides. I work in constructions. There is a lot to build in this city. Sky-scrappers are rising everywhere. Well, today we do most of the job with machinery, but humans still are important in everything we do.
One day, we heard about a rare sexual minority known as the vampires. Before making love, the one that acts as a vampire, makes a small cut with a blade or a needle in the victim's skin. The purpose is not to make wounds and it has nothing common with BDSM people. The vampire makes a few drops of blood flow from the victim, then he drinks them. We tried that and for the first time in my life I knew how human blood tastes like. Then, we made love... and it was more powerful then before.
In vampire couples, only the male drinks blood. But, one day, Andrada wanted to change this. I also wanted to change things. So, she cut the skin on my back, to let a few drops of blood. Then, she licked the red fluid. Since then, we changed roles many times.
Our addiction to the underworld is strong. We only dress in black, with ripped clothes. As possible, we try to look as undead. We both have long black hair and earrings that resemble skulls. As possible, we try to keep our skin white, like if we have no blood in us, with strong black make-up around the eyes, black lips and with black nails.
This does not affect our jobs. We are not the only strange people in here, only that we are the only vampires.
Our house, an apartment in a sky-scrapper, is also suffering major transformations. We replaced former furniture with old style furniture, with sculpted models of skulls and devils. It looks more like a crypt then like an apartment. In the living room, we transformed the coach into two coffins. In the sleeping room, we also transformed our bed into a large coffin, big enough for two. When we sleep, we close it. We are then completely surrounded in darkness. Tables look old and cracked. Curtains at the windows look like made by spiders. On the walls, you can see paintings of old castles in the night, surrounded by cemeteries and flying bats. And yes, all lights are replaced by candles, or at least electric candles. We call it 'our crypt'. It really resembles one.
Well, some people might consider us to be suffering from some psychological disorder, others might consider us a rare sexual minority. I know there is a disease named vampirism and the affected like to consume blood... and that drinking blood gives them sexual desires. Well, we both might suffer from vampirism, but we both like it this way. And we both have token this up to the extreme.
I know about many other people, that outside this place, would be considered strange: people trying to look like dolls, adults trying to be children, humans trying to be animals. We try to be vampires. It is just enough to see our clothes and our appearance, to notice this. If we undress, our backs are full with small scars from each time we tried to drink droplets of blood.
Even if we look like creatures of the night, we have a strong hate for BDSM people. We never gagged each other and we never used anything to restrain the other one. No violence, no pain, no abuse. Only that before we make love, we drink a few droplets of each other's blood. We are polite with our neighbors and our friends and also with all our coworkers. However, most of time we spend together, avoiding to be with many people around.
We only have two tattoos, on our arms. They resemble symbols of the Dragon Legion, which is related to vampires. Nothing else. However, we did something to our skins. We wanted a much whiter skin, like a vampire should have. The treatment, based on radiation, kills skin pigment in our bodies and make us look whiter. We both know that solar radiation will be dangerous to us after this, but anyway, we are vampires and avoid being in the light.
Then, we decided we want horns. Not big, like those of a cow, small horns like those of a young lamb. We could do implants, but the procedure might be too risky anyway. So, we just got some fake horns that we can attach to our heads. At first, it was a tricky task, as we so often hit objects with them. After a few weeks, we got used to them, so that we can wear them always. Also, we have fake teeth, more exactly fangs. We have to take them down when we eat and put them back later.
As is required for a vampire, we are active during night and sleep during day. We changed our work program to night shifts. Our coworkers are very happy, because nobody likes the night shift except for us. There is always someone willing to change this particular shift with you. We are very happy with this. In summer, the day sometimes catches us on the road, but in winter, all we see is darkness. Winters are the best time for us.
**********
Today, we returned from work. It is a long autumn night. We meet in a park. I am a bit late. Andrada is already here. I see her from some distance, sitting on a bench. She has her black, goth booties, with metal straps and heels. She wears a black ripped skirt. Through the holes, I can see her legs covered with fishnets. Two chains with locks encircle the middle of her body. She has a black blouse, with two white tombs painted on her breasts and a haunted castle on her stomach. I know the blouse. On the back, it also has a pentagram and the teeth of a vampire. Around her neck, she has a metal necklace, in fact a chain with an amulet. The sleeves are ripped. Her white fingers, with long black nails, also host a few big rings with black stones. Each stone has a sculpted symbol on it. I look at her black lips. She also made a strip of red paint, flowing from a corner of her mouth, like if she drank blood. Her face is so white! Only the make-up around her eyes is black, in a big contrast with her snow-white skin. I see her long black hair, flowing over her shoulders. And also I see her small white horns. As she waits me, she is smoking a cigarette in a long holder.
As I look at her, I think again, like many times, that she is the most beautiful woman in this world. She really is.
"Good evening my dark queen", I say, sitting on the bench near her.
"Good evening, your darkness", she says to me, offering me a cigarette.
"How was your haunt?" (I mean, how was work today?)
"Pleasant. All was quiet. And how was yours?"
"Dark angels can build any castle", I say.
I take her hand. Both our hands are white, with black nails and a lot of rings.
"I see your hand is cold", she says. "Humanity has left you a long time ago".
"Humanity has nothing to do with me anymore".
We are completely alone in the park. Nobody is here. No human, not even dogs. Our lips come closer and we kiss in the dark. We spend about an hour here, then we return home.
Then, at home, we sit together in our coffins, in the living room, watching TV programs on our computer. Usually, these programs are shown at another hour, but here, we see it all later. What Andrada is very interested in, is a singer, singing dark music. He is not only into vampires. This time, he held an entire concert wearing women clothes and a strident make-up. We watch all.
"Vlad", she says, "I want sometimes to be a man. I wish we could switch ourselves from time to time".
"Like he does?" I ask.
"Sort of. I wish sometimes I can be you and you can be me".
"That would add even more romance to our undead family", I say. "But you know this is impossible".
"I know", she says, placing a cigarette on her holder and lighting it.
"You know, Andrada, if this is what you want, we could try. Tomorrow, we can change after haunt and meet in the park this way. I will be you and you will be me".
"We could try", she says, with a smile.
**********
The next night, we meet at home. We change clothes. I never realized this is not an easy task. It takes a while until we find some clothes large enough for me or small enough for her. The biggest problem remains shoes, which don't fit us as we change them. She manages to hide her breasts wearing a larger coat and I wear some fake breasts, made by two blouses, under a bra from her. We don't look one at each other and take different paths to the park. She again comes there before me.
I look at her. She is incredible. She wears a large black cloak, that almost reaches the ground, with white inscriptions saying: death, undead and thirsty for blood. On her shoulders, I see stars, like military ranks. On her head, between the horns, she wears a small crown, with a small skull in the middle. The cloak is ripped and allows me to see her black blouse, which has a painting of a dragon on it. Instead of bracelets, her hands have handcuffs, with broken chains. She has black shiny trousers. Her feet are inside my smaller boots, which are encircled by metal chains. One chain is left outside and it makes a little noise as you walk. What she kept on, is her amulet at her neck, just as I always wear mine. I sit near her and take the holder, put a cigarette in it and light. She takes her male role more seriously and lights a cigar. She coughs first.
"How is it to be the prince of darkness?" I ask.
"I like it", she says. "It is an amazing experience".
"You look amazing", I say.
"You look too, princess of the night", she says, smiling.
"The most difficult was to walk with heels", I say. "All this time, I thought how you feel as a princess".
She coughs again, smoking the cigar.
"Be careful with too much smoke", I say. "As a prince, I never smoked cigars before".
"No problem, I will get used to it", she says, taking another drag of smoke. "Do you like the holder?"
"I do. It is very interesting. Somehow, I inhale more smoke with this. I don't know why".
"Because smoke cools down before it reaches your mouth", she says.
Andrada has not finished half of her cigar. I light a new cigarette in my holder. Then, I notice something green flying above us. It is a green light. Maybe it is a drone.
"You see that?" says Andrada.
"I do", I answer. "What can it be?"
She moves her hand, shouting a 'hello' to the flying object. I do the same. It stops.
"I think it seen us", I say.
The light increases in brightness. I see it closer. It looks a bit like a butterfly, glowing all green.
"It must be an angel", says Andrada.
"An angel will not do good things to vampires", I say.
"Maybe a fallen angel", she whispers.
The butterfly goes down to the ground. Now, I see clearly what it is. Actually, it has the shape of a woman, but it is all green, with summer clothes. She has horns and wings. Above her head, there is a green fire burning.
"She is smoking!" says Andrada. "She is smoking, Vlad, but all is green!"
"Yes", I say. "I think she is some sort of an angel".
"She comes to us".
The angel is more flying then walking. What amazes me is the green fire above her head. Around her, everything is illuminated in green. She comes to us, while we look at her, amazed. She stops very close to us.
"Vlad and Andrada, nice to see you!" she says.
"How that you know us?" I ask.
"She is an angel. No matter that she knows us. She must have seen us from the sky", says Andrada.
"You hailed me", she says. "Do you need any help?"
"Help? No, thank you! We were just talking in the night".
"Your strong love brought me here", she says. "I've seen you. I love to see united couples. May you both be happy!"
"Thank you!" we both answer.
"In this world, where every man is just lurking to get to bed with a girl and every woman is interested only in money from the guys, you two are shining like the Sun. You are creatures of the night, but your souls are brighter then many other people. I wish you could see the darkness in others".
"You can read our souls", I say, amazed. "You really must be an angel".
"Who are you?" asks Andrada.
"I am The Legend", she says to us.
"Whose legend?" asks Andrada again.
"Don't force her", I say.
"Just as that. I am The Legend".
The Legend takes a drag from her green cigarette and blows the smoke over us. I feel it going through our bodies. It is a bit cold.
"I think I know what you both want", she says. "You want to change a bit yourself. How about real horns and real fangs? I can do that. Also, you two want to share a bit of yourself into the other one. A bit of a man inside a woman and a bit of woman inside a man. It is all possible".
"Are you going to make us have real horns and fangs", I say surprised.
"Yes", she says. "And also, I will change you a bit. Vlad, I think you would like to have small breasts. You could be a better woman that way. And you, Andrada, will have smaller breasts, so you can hide them when you decide to be a man. When you will have a child, you both will be breastfeeding your baby. By doing this, you, as a man, will share more love to your child then average fathers do".
She then touches our bodies. Her fingers get inside my body, like if she is a ghost. All I feel is a gently touch and a bit of cold inside my body. She touches my head where the fake horns are, my mouth, then my breasts. Finally, she does something to my neck. And then, she goes to Andrada and touches her head and teeth. Andrada wants to give me her cigar.
"Andrada, take a deep smoke, now!" says The Legend with an imperative voice.
She waits as Andrada takes a deep inhale, but surprisingly, she doesn't cough. Then, she touches her breasts. And again, she touches her neck and does something there.
"All is done", says The Legend. "Take good care one of each other. And when you will have children, love them with the same powerful love that now is between you two".
We watch amazed how the green girl moves away from us. She opens her wings and starts flying. A green glowing trail follows her as she vanishes to the horizon.
**********
The next night, we feel some pain in our heads and teeth. Also, I feel a strong pain in my chest. Andrada also witnesses a pain, in her breasts. We feel very hungry, like we never ate a whole week. We eat all food in the fridge and go to buy new food. The second night, pain continues. We eat like desperate, especially milk and cheese and egg shells. Why do we like egg shells? All is strange.
At the third night, we have real horns grown in our heads. They are 7 cm long and look somehow like horns of a calf. They no longer hurt us. Also, we have fangs. They are pretty long, but fit into our mouths. I have small breasts and Andrada has her breasts made smaller by half, just the same size as mine. The 4th night, we feel a great pain on one side of the neck. Also, we feel an urge to smoke like never before. We smoke the whole night, one cigarette after the other.
Finally, in the 5th night, we have at one side of our necks two small holes.
"Bite wounds!" says Andrada immediately.
"You better bite me, then", I say.
She takes her mouth to my neck and surprisingly her teeth just match the two small holes. A few drops of blood get out of my neck through the holes. She licks the blood with her tongue. Amazed, I turn around and try to bite her too. My fangs fit perfectly into her holes and I see that a few drops of blood make their way to her skin.
**********
It took us only a few nights and we decided to get officially married. Andrada got pregnant and I wait the baby. I know that I will be breastfeeding it together with her. We reported what happened to a medical organization. They analyzed us. We also appeared at the news. Then, a few nights later, everyone forgot about us.
Is The Legend an angel? I think she is. We both think she is. There is no other way to explain what she has done to our bodies. Also, the way she knew us, the way she knew our lives and our love, is something no human or machine can do.
I never knew that angels are green. Their wings don't look like birds' wings, but like those of butterflies. And also, now I know what is the halo we see around angels' heads. It is a fire and it is above the head. Well, having horns, is something that doesn't make sense, but she had. I seen her horns very clear. I did not dare to touch them.
The Legend was seen again flying above the city. She avoids crowded places, but late at night, sometimes people can see her. She never answered to anyone. Why did she come to us? Is this how cruel the world has become? Maybe she avoids other people because, as she told us, most men are after sex and most women are after money. We don't. We are after each other.
The Legends
Chapter 5 - Chains And Flowers
This is the story of a dead girl who resurrects 80 years later, with a ghostly body and strange powers. People think she is a ghost, a hologram, a goddess or anything else, but nobody knows who she really is. Each story is told by someone who encounters her at some point.
My name is Lihwa. I am now a grown woman. All my life, my parents were on the move. We settled in one place and something happened. We had to move, then we had to move again and then again. They built a house and made a future somewhere, then war broke through and we had to move. They settled in another place and built a new life, but at that time the nukes started to fly. We move to another place and started a new life, only to know that borders have collapsed and each empire is breaking apart into countless small states... and ours will be a harsh dictatorship. We sold everything, but by the time we got into a better place, hyperinflation stroked and with the money with which you could buy a house, now you could not buy a cigarette. How many times we moved from place to place? How many times... until one day, they died in an explosion.
From that day, I remained alone. What could I do? I crossed another border and found myself in a town where I could manage to find a job. From that day, I decided to stop traveling from place to place. I will just stay here. Now, I am completely alone.
Soon after I learned the language and my way through, I made a few friends, girls of my age. What surprised me is that all they were talking is about how to cheat on guys. No sign of affection, no nothing. All they were up to is money. My best friend was Dayiu.
"You show him your love, but never let him touch you. Smile to attract him, but then move".
"Why, Dayiu?" I ask.
"Lihwa, all what guys want is to get to bed with you. Nothing else".
"Maybe not all of them", I say. "My parents were not like this".
"You are still a child. They have a penis instead of a brain. You never knew the truth because your parents wanted to hide. You think my parents don't cheat?".
"I don't know, but I've never seen them".
"Lihwa, see the way I now hang with Huan. This is the way. And you know how I did in the first days?"
"No, Dayiu. Tell me".
"When we decided to move together, I cleaned the house, I washed all his clothes and waited him with food on the table. The next day, I said 'goodbye'. Watch the guy, when he is mad about you, it is time to give him the worst pain you can. Break-up when he is crazy about you. Hit him when it hurts, let him suffer, but when you see he is giving up, start to kiss him, love him. Just keep his hormones rise, then hit. This is the way".
"You speak like a devil, Dayiu".
"No. Huan is the devil, like all males. Males are made of toilette shit. You remember when I was cheating him with Bojing? And he found out? Remember how I stopped all from falling apart? Hit him, be rude with him, but don't forget to be sexy. Do you remember what I told Huan that day?"
"I don't remember, I was working late".
"Women should not be working!" she almost shouts at me. "When I seen in his eyes that he knows I've been cheating, I said short: How much pain are you going to bring to myself? Don't you see I have my whole purse full with medicine? And all is for my brain. All my brain problems are because of you and the horrible way you treat me. Because all you do you do you act like a baboon. Now the whole town is laughing at me because of you. Why are you acting so pathetic? Listen, toilette shit, because I am not going to repeat this to you. This night I will sleep here with Bojing. Until tomorrow, I want you to make-up your mind. Do you still want to be with me or you better let me go, because I cannot hold your behavior much longer. You change yourself or I will die".
"I am surprised that he still is with you, Dayiu. I would have long abandoned you if I were him".
"Lihwa, remember that guys think with their penis, not with their brains. You have to keep them beneath your foot. Do you know how many times I made love with Huan? Only twice when we met and that was over five years ago. I let him see me, but not touch me. He is willing to be with me, but I don't let him. This is the way, an endless frustration. And if I find he tries to cheat me... it is all the pain in the Universe. You remember when I tried to suicide because he were cheating with Biyu? In fact, I guess he was not cheating with her, they once were class mates".
"I am sorry, but I cannot be like you", I say. "I just cannot".
"You have to learn, Lihwa, or you will be spending all your life as a worker. And a few more things: When he is very tired or he suffered something bad, hit him. In a week, Huan worked all day and all night. He came nearly in morning, very tired and could not even get in bed. He remained dressed in street clothes on the floor. You know what I told him? If you pretend to be that tired, why don't you just get in the other room and don't stress me like that? Men don't have the right to complain about anything. They have to be in perfect obedience. They exist only to serve us. Later, he had a fight with his parents, because he was stealing money from them to give me. So, I said shortly: If you have any problem with your parents, we should close our relationship. You get it, Lihwa? Always make him suffer. And when he has problems, hit him harder. When he is ok and brings you money, pretend that you love him, but not for long. Milk him like a cow, but if he no longer has milk, drain his blood".
"Dayiu, this is torture".
"This is what males deserve".
"I think they are humans, like us, only with a different gender", I say.
"You have mercy for them, Lihwa? This is pathetic".
I tried to meet other girls. I thought she was a special case, but later found out that most women are the same. The only thing they want is money. And this is the policy. Since there are almost no kind women in this town, guys have almost no options.
**********
One day, I return from work. The town is crossed by a river and near the shore, there is a small bar. I am not into alcohol, but I do smoke. So, I go to buy cigarettes, then spend a little time with people there, to talk. I see Huan, Dayiu's partner. He seems exhausted from work, drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette. I just sit on a nearby table, so I can listen. He is with two friends, probably coworkers.
"I've seen your wife", says one of them. "She is cheating you".
"Don't you think I know?" says Huan.
"Let her go, man. Just let her go", says his friend. "She is draining your blood".
"And grow old alone all your life?" says the other one. "Don't you see all women are the same? I am getting old. What can I do now? I prefer a bitch that cheats me all day then to be lonely".
"I don't know", says Huan. "She is very sick. I still think somehow she loves me."
"Get rid of her", says again his first friend.
"She will suicide", says Huan to him. "It should be better if she goes to her lover and only comes to me for money, just let me alone".
"Better she go suicide. If not, you go dead", says his first friend.
"Or better you get a mistress", says the second one. "At least you will make love with that one".
"After all this, I no longer feel the need for love", says Huan. "Well, guys, I should go. She will make a hell at home if she feels the smell of smoke. She will think I met some girl at the bar".
He goes away. He is closing 30 and skinny. I clearly see all the stress and pressure on him. I guess he doesn't eat too. I don't stay much longer, either.
**********
My job is something about recycling. It is amazing how many things people before us threw as garbage. Even if sometimes 100 years have passed, former dumping areas are now exploited as quarries. The same applies for former, abandoned cities and industrial centers. Concrete can be grinded and mixed with cement to be reused. Iron and metals are the most easy to reuse. But there is something which values more and that is plastic, asphalt or rubber. Oil is long gone. What little oil this planet has, is only used in pharmaceutical industry. Plastic can be converted back into many raw materials for industry. My job is to scan materials recycled from dumping areas for radioactivity. Whatever I find to be radioactive, I send back.
Huan also works somewhere in this domain, but not with me. He is in the sorting team. His job is to extract dirt. After all these years, garbage has decomposed and left a very good material for agriculture. The only problem, it must be cured of impurities, like heavy metals, objects, plastic, glass or concrete. The process is automated, but humans are still vital in many parts.
I know he is suffering. I know that Dayiu is feeding on him like a leech. On the other hand, I keep the friendship with her. She does nothing all the day. She goes to cosmetic upgrades, she goes to parties, she spends a lot of money on expensive clothes, while he works hard every day. I know him now. He takes extra hours to earn more money. I don't. I am happy with what I earn. It is enough to sustain myself.
One day, as I finish work, I see him. He has finished his job and now eats. I know he will go to the second job, which is equipment maintenance. He is eating bread, just bread, with nothing in it. No surprise he is so skinny. As he finishes eating, I come to him.
"Hi", I say to him, lighting a cigarette.
"Hi", he says.
"Do you want a cigarette?" I say, giving him one.
"Thank you", he says.
"You work very hard".
"I can handle it", he answers.
"Try to take care a bit of yourself", I say.
"If I will die tomorrow, nobody will care", he says and goes to his next job.
I return home. Usually, I take the hover trolley, but this time I go by foot, all the 7 km back home. I am the only one walking on the road. It is a concrete road, surrounded by vegetation. Cars are moving in all directions. These cars float about 20 cm above ground. But not cars are in my mind. What I am thinking about is Huan. I return home, make something to eat, watch a movie and go to sleep. He will be working late, as Dayiu is having fun with her lover. How could she be like that? In Biology, there is a fundamental difference between a germ and a parasite. Germs multiply and kill their host, then they die too. Parasites usually don't kill their host, because if they do, they also kill themselves. However, sometimes they do.
**********
One day, after work, I go to Dayiu's house and we have tea. The house is not so well maintained. It looks like they never invested much in furniture and other things. It is clean where you can see with your eyes. A girl knows how to look if a house is clean. Look behind closets, look to hidden places. I also notice the fridge is almost empty and cooking tools appear unused.
I know she doesn't smoke, but I need a cigarette. So, she invites me out. In the yard, I see grass is not cut, flowers are covered by weeds and trees are not properly maintained. She does nothing in the house.
"You need to do something to those flowers", I say. "It hurts me to see them covered by weeds".
"Don't worry, I will put him to clean them, when he comes from work".
As we stay out in the sun, we see Huan coming in the distance.
"Come with me, Lihwa", she says. "I will show you how to work with a male".
I come, even if it hurts me to see this. First, we go to the living room and watch a movie. We hear the door opening, then we hear him moving. Except the sleeping room, all other rooms are not separated. In fact, the thing that separates them is a wall of glass. So, we clearly see him. He comes to the fridge and brings food in it. Wow! This means Dayiu is not cooking anything??? He drinks a glass of water from the sink and eats some bread, with nothing on it. Then, he comes to us. With his head down, he comes here.
"Hi", he says, looking at us.
"Hi", answers Dayiu. "What are you looking at? Go, change yourself and take a shower. You stink!"
He goes, then she says:
"This is how you say 'welcome' to a husband that seems tired, sick or has any problems. Now, stay inside and watch from the window. I will make him gardening".
When Huan comes, she takes him by hand out in the yard. I stay at the window and hear:
"Now, this is just too much. You made my friend laugh of me. You see those flowers? This is how flowers should look like? Why don't you take out all the weeds between them? She laughed at me. Now, I will go and throw myself from a rock. She will go and tell the whole town that our flowers are not well maintained. What am I going to do when the whole town will laugh at me?"
I need to smoke. But what should I do? I am supposed to stay at the window.
"This time, you crossed the line. You crossed any line. Don't you know how many pills I take? I am insane and all is because of you, stupid baboon. I said I will not give you any second chance, after all you have done to me".
She returns in the house, but I need too much to smoke. I go out in the yard. I light a cigarette and offer him one too. He refuses, but I insist. He looks to the house and then smokes, taking care not to be seen. I say nothing, just look at him. He has the eyes of a person trying to chew a lemon. This is too much for me. I just leave and walk back to my home. Too much pain.
**********
The next day, I am back at work. Then, after work, I feel that I don't need to return. Instead, I go to the ruins of the former town. It was abandoned when people were afraid of atomic weapons. Now, there is nobody here. I know the place. There is an open-air theatre in a small park. I go there. The former concrete benches are still there.
I sit down and light a cigarette. I am thinking about what I seen last evening. A tear falls from my eyes. I rise my eyes to the sky. There is a small green star I see. It might be a drone. Sure, it will not disturb me. Well, I rise my eyes to the sky, hoping any god will hear me.
"Poor Huan!" I say. "Please! Is there anyone listening me? He needs help. That woman will kill him. I cannot do anything. He needs help".
Then, I look down. I clean my eyes of tears. And then, I hear a little noise. On the bench, near me, I see that letters are being dug in concrete. It is like an invisible hand is writing. What is this??? It takes a minute. Then, all is silence. I read the text:
In two days, invite them both to Renaissance Pub. Rent a car when you do this. Also, bring two flowers, a metal chain and a pack of cigarettes.
I have no idea what this is or who did this.
"Thank you, I will do!" I shout, then return home.
**********
As time flows, I keep on thinking what is this about. Who wrote this? What will happen? Did any god listen me? Well, I don't know. I just go to Dayiu and tell her that I invite both of them to Renaissance Pub, to have dinner together. I prepared all what was written on the bench, even a rented hover car. Well, I drive, but I am very bad at it, since I lack experience. I get dressed as usual, Dayiu gets dressed in a very provocative way, while Huan is wearing a costume that almost falls off his skinny body. Since he is the best driver, I insist he will drive.
"Just watch the road, baboon", says Dayiu, as she steps near him.
He drives. As we enter, she says to him:
"Try not to make people laugh at me. Just sit and don't do anything. I don't want people to know I am married with a baboon".
We get to a table. This pub has a large screen, like some sort of cinema. In fact, it is a place where people love to come to see together sport games, like football or zero-G cricket. Now, there is nothing rolling on the screen, There is almost nobody inside. Music is playing in the background. I order something to eat for everyone. We get the food. We, women, eat, but Huan is not eating.
"He must not eat", explains Dayiu to me. "I don't want people to see he has no manners".
Then, I light a cigarette. I instantly offer him one.
"What?" says Dayiu. "You smoke? You know nicotine remains in the air and on your clothes. You know that harms me. You've been killing me ever since".
All this time, I waited for some sort of a miracle, but nothing ever happened. Quite nothing. Maybe it is all my imagination. Maybe there was nothing written on that bench. Maybe I am getting crazy. So, after I finish smoking, I invite them both back in the car. As we get in, Dayiu says:
"You are burning money on smoking! Shame on you! You know I need money for my medicine!"
Well, this time I got in front, not Huan. I will be driving. They are both in back. I start the hovering car, then light a cigarette. Well, my smoke will not kill her, but his will. The car stops like if it ran out of power. No movement, no hovering, no lights, nothing. Doors are all blocked.
As we try to figure out what this is, I see a green star on the sky. It is growing in brightness and comes to us. It moves fast and... It is not a star! It is something that resembles a woman, but with green wings. What is this thing? Yes, it looks like a woman with wings and with a green fire above her head. She has horns. She comes close and enters the car, taking a seat near me.
"Lihwa, drive back to the theatre", she says.
The car then has power again. It floats and starts moving. The car is surrounded by a little green haze. I drive, very careful. In the back, I hear Dayiu scared, screaming at the green girl:
"Who are you? Are you going to kill me? What are you?"
I drive. In this time, Dayiu gets so upset, that starts hitting the windows.
"Do something, don't just stand there, baboon!"
I see something strange. The green girl is smoking and makes a green smoke, but that has no smell. Also, her wings pass through the roof of the car and through her seat. It is like she is not material. At tight curves, her body tends not to remain on the seat. She moves a bit to one side. It is like she is not attached to matter and she passes through objects.
But nothing helps. I don't know what to do. I just drive, hearing her screaming and punching in the windows. I don't know why, but I am not scared. Well, we reach the theatre and I stop the car just near the bench where I sat. The doors open and we move out.
My bag moves out from the car, alone, flying. It lands on the concrete bench, just near the place where I seen the inscription. It opens. The flowers, the metal chain and the pack of cigarettes emerge. Dayiu wants to run, but she simply cannot. Something, some sort of force field, is keeping her in place. Me and Huan are going close, to see what is going on. As we get closer, two cigarettes emerge from the pack and start floating in the air, going to us.
"I guess they are for us", I say, looking to the green girl.
She does not look at us. Her wings are slowly moving. I notice that she also smokes something green. We take the two cigarettes and light them. She instantly turns toward us, with a smile on her face, then comes to us, very closely.
"I have 3 gifts, but it looks like you chosen the best two", she says. "Your souls are like two flowers. This is why the flowers are for you. May you both be happy".
As she says this, she puts her hand on the flowers. I see how her hand gets through matter. A few petals separate from the flowers and twist, until they form two rings.
"Take them", she says.
"Who are you, bitch?" screams Dayiu from behind.
We take the rings, but at that moment Dayiu hits Huan in his back.
"What do you think you are doing, baboon?" she shouts. "Put that down and go back home!"
"I also have a chain", says the green girl. "For who should it be?"
"Not for me, you slut!" she shouts.
"Someone said males worth like toilette shit", says the green woman. "Well, whoever says that, is not worth to be a woman. Now, what should I do with such a person?"
"I never said that!" shouts Dayiu.
"Please, don't hurt my wife", says Huan. "Have mercy, whoever you are".
"Does she have mercy on you?" says the green girl. "You work and starve and she consumes your money on make-up and clothes. You spend your time working more then your health can handle, while she spends her time in hotel rooms with her lovers. You eat bread and she eats caviar. How I wish other people could see the souls of surrounding people, just as I do".
"You must be a goddess", I say.
"Lies, lies!" shouts Dayiu. "It is all a lie, don't believe her! I spend my money on medicine!"
"I am The Legend", says the green girl.
Then, Dayiu takes her purse and tries to hit the green girl. Her purse instantly burns and all what is left is a cloud of ash. She goes to Huan, takes him in her arms and says:
"Let's go! Take her away from me! She is going to kill me!"
"I heard your cry, Lihwa", says the green girl. "I seen you and came to help. What do you want me to do with them?"
"Is there any way to solve this and still them to be together?" I ask.
"Just look at their souls", she says.
The next moment, she moves her hands in front of my eyes. I feel her hands touching me. It is like some sort of cold air, but that gets through my body. When I look, I see a bright light instead of Huan. A bright, shiny light. But, instead of Lihwa, I see darkness. Something bad. Toilette shit. I am so shocked, that I scream.
Then, she moves away from me and comes to Dayiu. She falls paralyzed on the ground.
"Don't kill her!" screams Huan. "Don't touch her!"
"Relax, I will not do anything bad to her", says the green girl, touching her body below her belly. "I will only do what needs to be done. From now on, she will be a man. In a few days, she will be transformed into a man. She will have to work to sustain herself. Don't worry, she is not sick at all. Huan, if you love her, just leave her. You will only herm her if you touch. Let her alone in your house. Let that house be her, while you two will move together".
In that moment, the two rings made from flowers rise and come in front of us. We take them and put them on our fingers. The chain also starts floating in the air. It comes to Dayiu, who screams and fights to move away, but she simply cannot. The chain comes to her, breaks into two and each half encircles one of her hands.
"Now", says the green woman, "take her to her house. You two go to Lihwa's house and stay there for at least an year. Try to take care, you two. And for her, just keep distance. It is her only chance. If you try to help her, next time, she might die".
After saying this, the green girl opens her wings and starts flying. She vanishes in the sky. We do just as she told us. We take Dayiu back to her house and let her there. Then, we return to my house and sit here. The next day, we return the car to its owner.
**********
It took us about two months until we became friends and form a couple. His love for Dayiu is strong and beyond question, but he understands it is better this way. What happened with her? What actually happened, appeared on the news. She came with a story that Huan was cheating her with me, that we took her to the former summer theater and tortured her there, things like this. We just kept distance. Then, she felt very bad and went for a few days to a hospital. No doctor could understand how it is happening, but in a few days her breasts just fallen from her body. She transformed herself into a man. It appeared as a great mystery in the history of medicine.
Soon, police came to us and forced us to declare everything. And we did what they asked us to. We confessed all. Everybody was so amazed about this story.
As time passed, we formed a stronger couple. Now I am pregnant and wait a child. Dayiu? She is now a man, living alone, working somewhere. She stays in her house. I think she (or he, now) will remain alone for a long time. When he sees us, he just turns away.
Who is the green girl? I don't know. I think she is a goddess. She was a human, but ascended into another level, just like Buddha. She said she is The Legend... and that is all I know.
The Legends Of Abidet
Chapter 6 - Lonely Princess
A girl resurrects 80 years later. These stories are written by people who meet her ghostly appearance and face her unusual powers.
My name now is Camenka, but it was not like that. Everyone thinks I am a girl, when in fact I am a man. Or at least I were.
That man has long died. Now, I call myself Camenka. From a very young age I got obsessed with women clothes, but I kept it all hidden. One might think that I was attracted by women, but it is not the case. I was attracted by their clothes. Soon, I wanted to become a woman. But where to do this? Was I gay? Certainly not. Making love with a man makes me throw-up. As I grew-up, I had girlfriends, but each time when one found out about my strange addiction to women clothes, each time one found out that I am wearing pantyhose candid, they moved away. More even, they made fun of me. So, I decided to live alone. And as I moved alone, in my home and in my garden, I was a woman... but on the street I was a man. Yes, I did wear pantyhose candid on the street. Nobody knew.
If I ever had a girlfriend that I really loved, it was Camenka, my avatar from a virtual 3D game that I used to play. I was in love with her. I bought her all the commodities and luxuries I could in that virtual world. But that was a long time ago, before the nukes started to fly. At that time, people were so afraid of a possible nuclear war. Well, I was not. If I have to die, I will die and so be it. I tried to make sure Camenka will live on. I paid the game fee for 50 years, as a superpremium account.
The nukes did not fly and a general took control of the area, forming a small independent state. He then tried to build a super-weapon, based on the technology of diverted matter. Only that all went wrong and ended with a massive explosion. I was 150 km away, alone in the forest, dressed as a woman, enjoying myself. That is when everything exploded. The whole city was molten lava, fire was raging on the sky and every survival managed to run away from here. The explosion made the ground to tremble. Holes and cracks started to open... and my car with my male clothes went into a big hole and vanished forever.
I started to walk, trying to find my way out. But now, anyone who encountered me seen me as a woman. The first people I met were at a picnic. Scared by the blast, they were trying to get out to the main road, which collapsed. They asked me:
"What is your name, girl?"
"Camenka", I answered.
And from that moment, I became Camenka.
I did not realize that people were so scared about a nuclear war, that they all wanted to get out from this state as soon as possible. And they were. They were fighting to remove road obstacles with shovels, they were pushing each other... and when a road was completely blocked, they abandoned their cars and moved on foot.
Well, not me. For me, a new life as Camenka was beginning. What I never considered possible, now was true. I merged with my avatar, with the love of my dreams. From now on, I am Camenka. When everyone was running to the borders, I decided to stay. Nearby states sent rescue units, to extract any remaining refugees, but I decided to hide.
Then came the life of my dreams. I walked inside a town, that was completely abandoned. I was Camenka, I was a woman. Everything was almost intact, except for some broken glasses and collapsed buildings. The only person in the town was me. I remember to this day. I had red boots, brown tights, a red and brown short skirt, a black blouse, red gloves and a purse. I entered the town on foot. There was a pizza shop and one pizza was on a table, with a bottle of cola. I took a seat, ate very delicate, like a woman. Then, I seen an ashtray with a few cigarette debris, with lipstick on them. Wow, that turned me on... and I entered an empty shop, took a pack of cigarettes, a lighter and started to learn how to smoke.
Then, I entered an empty apartment, which had its door open. A girl once lived there. I took clothes. I took make-up. I shaved my feet, painted my hair and nails. There was no electricity and no tap water. But I felt so great! I slept in a girl's bed and lived as a girl. I found money, cubes and balls of gold. After the hyperinflation, nobody trusts paper or credit money. But what to do with money here?
Then the winter came. I moved to a house. I kept on searching for clothes and food in shops, that were all open and abandoned. So much food exists in supermarkets, that does not parish over night. Much of the food does, but many products survive for years. I had all the clothes and make-up I ever dreamed. In that winter, I used to dress with thigh boots and fur coats, walking in snow and searching for food. I made fire in the stove to keep me warm. I was so lonely, but I never felt the need to be with anyone. It was me, just me in the whole world. Nobody else. And I wanted nobody else to be here.
Spring came. Now, I realized that I have to cross the border, to find fresh food, or I will die. But I have no intention to abandon Camenka. I will be the woman I wished all my life to be. So, I just took enough gold and walked over the border. I remember up to this day. I was dressed in white booties, brown pantyhose, a white coat with red-and-white blouse. I had long nails and a long light-red hair. I was a woman in all aspects, for anyone to see me. When I crossed the border, a custom guard came to me.
"Where do you come from?"
"From the ruins", I answered.
"What's your name, woman?"
"Camenka".
The next day, I was on the news. The last survival from Land Of Ruins. I was asked to remain, but I decided to return. But, since I am the only one, it means I am the leader of this land. So, I became the princess of a state with nobody else in it. Soon, some recycling companies wanted to offer me money if I let them recycle the goods from abandoned settlements. I allowed them. And all this started to work. As they measured the level of radioactivity, they found out that in many places it is safe to build settlements... so, people tried to move in. I accepted, happily. What a change! I became Princess Camenka!
There is one exception, a place where nobody dared to go: the former capital city, where the blast occurred. There, everything was molten rock. A bare glass-like desert as large as the eye could see. But, I wanted to see it. Prospects show high amounts of rare materials and surprisingly low radioactivity. What was going on there?
*********
And here I am. It is summer. I am at the entrance of this rock and glass plain desert. A team of about 20 people are here with me, all men. All are wearing costumes that make them look like astronauts. Not me. I have open-toe sandals, shiny pantyhose, a short dress, fake breasts and a small jacket to hide my breasts. My long red hair almost reaches to my thighs. While the men are breathing oxygen from their gas tanks, I am breathing smoke from a cigarette. We travel with 3 cars and stop somewhere in the midst of this desert. They stop and take equipment to make a drill. I watch their boots touching the ground, next to my sandals. It is very hot. With no vegetation around, everything is like boiling. They talk through radio as they start drilling, while I sit on one of their boxes and start dangling with a sandal. I feel vibrations in the ground as the drill keeps working. I am paying more attention to my feminine behavior then to what they are doing. I try to smoke fetish and pose attractive, not to seduce them, but to be Camenka.
The drill returns something white and glowing. Matter impregnated with diverted matter. So much diverted matter! This is essential to cutting-edge technology and to an almost endless energy. Cars are now hovering above the roads with the help of diverted matter. Supercomputers with the size of a flea are build with diverted matter. Everything in this century is powered-up by diverted matter.
Other drills showed that the whole desert sits on a sea of diverted matter, 30 km wide and about 4 km deep. I allowed mining to start, but only on a limited scale. I don't want to destroy the whole desert. Only 1%. All I want is to provide myself with all the goods I need to live. I want to be alone and happy. I want to shop new clothes, to have food and to look gorgeous. That's all. And a single day of mining provided me with 1 kg of gold, all I need to live all my life.
A few weeks have passed. More and more workers come. They seem not to listen to me. They want more of this fortune. Slowly, the whole desert becomes covered with buildings, drills and mining equipment. The glowing white can be seen from distance. Trucks keep coming and going. Everyone is in a hurry after diverted matter. What should I do? I just cannot do anything. And to make things worse, I see also weapons. They took over my state.
**********
And here I am. It is night. I am at the border of this desert. Grass and bushes grow just up to this point. It is like a sharp line. Beyond it, there is nothing, just the shiny surface of liquefied rock, which is smooth like glass. All around, miners are digging, extracting the glowing white rock. So much equipment all around! It is getting dark, but they work all day and all night long. It is so noisy! I walk on the remaining untouched desert. I have flat sandals, with shiny pantyhose covered by fishnets, a short white dress and a short jacket covering my fake breasts. I light a cigarette as I walk between them. There is a mixture of smells: rock dust, oil and equipment.
"Hey, lady, why don't you go home and leave us?" says a work supervisor.
I blow smoke in his face and walk. In front of me, there is a large road, where hovering trucks are moving, carrying the glowing ore away. They just move in an endless column. And a few hundred meters, a deep quarry can be seen. They cut large pieces and load them on trucks. All is glowing down there, only the equipment appears as dark points roaming in all directions. I throw the cigarette there.
"Hurry up, Nikolai", says a worker.
"I will, Igor. Sparkling rich!" says the other one.
I just move down into the quarry, on the same road trucks go. And then, I stop, resting on a glowing piece of rock. It is night already. I've seen from distance that even in night time, this place is glowing. The sky above is illuminated. The clouds reflect the light back.
I look up for the clouds, but I cannot see them. There is too much light from the ground. But, I do see something shining in the sky. It appears to be a red star. It is moving. That could be an airplane, but it is moving too strange. I see it increasing in light. And then, I see it coming down. It takes the shape of a human. I see it closer and closer. It appears as a woman inside a flame, a woman made of light. It stops on top of a machinery.
Workers seem to look at this. They noticed. They stop working.
"I am Andromeda, the destroyer of worlds", shouts the woman.
In the next moment, I see something like a flame, getting out from her hands. The flame hits a digging machine, which explodes. Workers scream and run. I stand still, watching this scene. Another flame gets out of her hand and another machine explodes. Then she hits a truck. She just hits everything and destroys every machinery.
In the chaos, I see workers running in all directions. What a disaster! I see corpses, wounded people and fire. I sit quietly until I hear nothing else, but crying people. Then, I light a cigarette and move out. All equipment has been destroyed.
The next day, mining resumes to normal. And again, Andromeda appears, a white woman inside a flame. She screams again:
"I am Andromeda, the destroyer of worlds!"
And again, she attacks the equipment. But this time, workers fight back with weapons. Bullets seem to go through her body, like if she is a hologram. And each time she is attacked, she fights back. Deadly flames burn everyone who attacks her. She only stops when nothing else moves.
**********
I moved away. Also, all mining operations ceased after Andromeda appeared a few times. Nobody ever wanted to risk its life with an enemy that cannot be killed in any way. She seems to attack only moving objects and people who attack her. Survivals seen her walking through people like if she cannot see them. Only if she touches someone by chance, she attacks. But, nevertheless, mining is too risky for anyone. And I agree. So, here ends the mining campaign. People seen Andromeda many times roaming around. I became alone again.
**********
It is an autumn day. I go to the former quarries. I think that, after all this time, everything calmed down. It is so amazing to see the glowing white rocks! I love to see this. So, I stay until late night, just enjoying the landscape. I eat dinner, have a cigarette and put myself into a sleeping bag for the night. Then, I see something else, something really amazing. I see not one, but 3 ghosts. All 3 are near me, at just 20 meters. And all 3 are talking. One is clearly Andromeda, a woman with gorgeous shapes inside a flame. The second one is a blue ghost of a man, with a sword on his back. The third one, is the most impressive. It is a green woman, with wings and a green fire above her head. I look so amazed at the three ghosts. Should I run? Should I hide? I better stay put and hope they don't see me.
"What happened here?" says the blue ghost.
"Well, they got what they deserved", says Andromeda. "For all my years in pain, for all my suffering".
"Pain?" says the green ghost.
"Yes", says Andromeda. "For all years of pain. For all needles with glowing matter they pierced through my skin. For the body I once had. For the human I once was and I am no longer. Eighty years of pain. Die, humans! Just die!"
"They did the same to me", says the green ghost. "Why should I kill them?"
"At least, can you see them?" says Andromeda.
"Yes, like shadows", says the green ghost, "but I can clearly see and interact only with people who smoke".
"You see?" says Andromeda. "This is what they did to you. This is what they did to us! I cannot see anyone, I just don't realize that there are humans near me unless they attack me. I want revenge! Bloody revenge for what they have done to me!"
"I don't know", says the blue ghost. "I just woke-up in a world that I don't understand. I was pierced and tortured just like you two were, but I don't know who I am and how I got here. I just cannot remember who I were".
"But do you remember your name?" says the green ghost.
"I do. My name is The Samurai. But I don't remember who I were".
"You need time", says the green ghost. "When I woke-up, I knew I am The Legend and I exist to help people. It took me time to realize that I had another name. Just wait, you will remember. But as far, I still don't remember where I once lived".
"Does it matter?" says Andromeda. "I am Andromeda, the destroyer of worlds. I exist to bring fire and destruction. For revenge! Why do you exist, The Samurai?"
"To share knowledge, about art and moral values".
"You see?" says Andromeda. "They have altered you and made you think like this".
"Andromeda", says the green ghost. "Don't you see they made you a weapon? You exist to destroy, because you were made to destroy. But what were you before?"
"When I was a human?" says Andromeda. "What do you think, Legend? You think I had a pleasant childhood in the mountains like you did? No. I was bitten by an alcoholic dad every night. I was sold on the black market, raped and tortured all my life. Then, I was used for fights. This is what people did to me. And then, I was sold to those guys who pierced my body with glowing stuff. Let's fill the hell with their souls!"
"I still don't get it", says the blue ghost, sitting down. "Well, those who tortured you deserve to burn in hell, but I think they are already there. It seems like eighty years passed since we died. I guess nobody is still alive to this date".
"I don't know, my friends", says the green ghost. "I think we are programmed to behave like this. Don't you see? We act different with people, but with us, it is not the same. We can clearly see each other and we act with each other just as we did when we were still alive".
"Who programmed us and for what purpose" says the blue ghost.
"There is only one person in this world that could help you", says the green ghost. "Its name is Astana and she works at the World Library. She promised she will identify who I were before. Go and ask her".
"Are there any others like us?" says the blue ghost again.
"Yes", says Andromeda. "We have to come here, to feed with glowing staff. In fact, this is how I found you. I've seen a yellow one a few years ago".
Then, they send tentacles into the ground. It takes a few seconds and they move away. I watch them amazed, as they rise in the sky.
This is too much for me. I don't understand much of this. I need a cigarette. I get out of the sleeping bag and light a cigarette. With one hand, I hold my cigarette, while with the other hand I gently touch my pantyhosed feet. My booties are nearby. Should I take them? Maybe not now. I just exhale a thick cloud of smoke, thinking about what I've seen.
Suddenly, I see a green light. The green ghost is near me, sitting on the ground. I get so scared that I scream. When I seen Andromeda destroying everything, I was not scared, but now, I just want to run.
"Don't worry, Camenka", she says. "I will not harm you".
"How you know me?" I say, shaking from all my body.
"I've seen you many times. I know who you are and I see you have a good soul".
"Will Andromeda kill me?"
"No", says the green ghost.
"Who are you?" I ask again.
"I am The Legend", she says.
As she says this, I see her clearly. Wow! Her body looks so real, but still a bit translucent. She has a woman's body in all aspects, except that she has wings and horns. Her wings are of a butterfly. Her body is green and above her head there is a green fire. She moves one hand towards me and gently touches me. But... her hand enters my body. All I feel is cold. Is her body made of coldness?
"Relax, I am here to help", she says.
I also notice that she smokes. A green cigarette is in one hand and as she exhales, green smoke gets out of her green lips. But I also feel like she is doing something inside me. Her hand moves to my fake breasts. Will she know they are not real? And then, she moves down, to my genitals. Oh no! What is this about?
"Just let me help", she says again. "Almost done!"
Then, she moves her hand back to my neck. I fill that she is doing something inside.
"All done", she says, as she opens her wings and moves away from here.
**********
The next days, I feel very sick and hungry. I feel the need to eat anything. There is a lot of pain in my breasts and my genitals. All this takes a few days, almost a week. But, when everything ends, I realize that I am no longer what I were. My body has changed completely into that of a woman. Now, I have a vagina, I have breasts and I have female voice. So amazing!
A lot of time has passed since this. I live alone. I am Princess Camenka and I rule over a state with no inhabitants. Nobody dares to come here. I need nobody. All I want is me, the Camenka I long dreamed about to be.
Sometimes I go to the quarry and sleep there, in my sleeping bag. The ghosts come here on rare occasions. Usually, I see only one. Andromeda comes more frequently then the other ones. When I see her, I do my best to hide. I just want to say 'thank you' to the green ghost, to The Legend. To thank her for finishing the last chapter of my life transformation. Even if I've seen her several times, she never came close enough to me. I just hope that one day I will understand who these ghosts are and what their reasons are.
The Legends Of Abidet
Chapter 7 - Cry Of The Tear
A girl resurrects 80 years later, in a divided world. She will now witness the saddest life story of a woman.
The truck moves on the country road. I am now out from the labor camp, but my life will not last long. At least, this will end my suffering. At least. I feel a great joy, that finally, after all these years, I will be free. I will move out from life. The truck comes to the big, large hole, where they throw all dead people. I feel how it stops. The two guards come out and open the back door. They take me out. I see the hole, big and filled with bones, surrounded by forest. I see the dirt road we came on. Now, this is it. finally, my hopeless suffering will come to an end. I know guard dogs come here to eat the prisoners.
"This is it", says one of the guards. "Just throw her in the pit".
"Just look at her", says the other one. "All her body is blood and bones. Dogs will have nothing to eat from her".
"Come on, throw her!" says the first one. "If you start feeling pity for prisoners, you will end-up like them".
"I know, but it is too much for me. I am getting old of this. Well, just let her in".
They throw me in the pit. I fall in a pond of dirt.
"Today is her, tomorrow it could be us", says one of them.
"Let's return, we'll get drunk and forget all this", says the other.
I hear the doors closing and the truck going away. Now, I will wait until dogs will come here. I no longer have feet and my body is almost dead. So, I cannot run. And even if I could, where should I go? Back to the labor camp? All these years, I had enough. I was bitten almost every day, raped and all time suffered from starvation.
One of the guards has dropped his cigarette in the pit. I stretch to get it. At least, one last smoke. This was the only pleasure we had in the camp, when we found second-hand cigarettes. I grab it and take one inhale. Maybe it is my last one. I don't know why the dogs are not here, but they will come and eat me. I take a second drag of smoke.
Suddenly, I see a bright green light near me and something like a girl. She is something like a cloud. Maybe my imagination is doing all this to me. I feel how I am lifted in the air out of the pit. Then, I move away in the forest. I have no idea where. When I find myself on the ground, I lose contact with reality. I think I am dying right now.
**********
I wake-up. I am down on a small bed of dried grass. Around me, I see food. I see milk in a glass, cheese, some fruits and a big piece of bread. Also, I see a few packs of cigarettes. Am I dreaming or am I dead? I don't know. I try to reach the food and it is real. Real milk? After drinking only infected water from ditches, now I am drinking milk. My hands are shaking. Is it real? I drink it. After all this time, I don't even remember how milk tastes. It feels like the nectar of a god. My stomach feels so happy about it. Oh, what a pleasure! Sure I died and now I am in paradise. That green girl must be sent from heaven to pick me.
I eat a piece of cheese. The taste is incredible. And the bread is amazing. How good! It is so pleasant that tears drop from my eyes. I think it is the first time ever that I cry of pleasure. I cry and sing for myself: "I am dead, I am dead, I am free at last!" It takes a few minutes. I eat slowly, savoring every little piece of food. My body is so happy. I feel my stomach satisfied, filled with food. All my skinny body is happy. All of me is happy.
Then I light a cigarette. It feels a thousand times better then what guards smoke. My lungs are so happy with this.
Suddenly, the green light appears again. I see a green girl with wings and surrounded by light, a light or a fire. I don't know. She kindly watches me and smiles at me.
"Relax. You are now out of all pain. Nobody can get to you now", she says.
"I died", I answer.
"No. You are far from dead. But I need to do a lot of work to you", she says. "Relax and try to get some rest. You are too weak to wake now".
I do as she tells me. I lean back and get to sleep.
Then, I wake again. It's dark. I see the green girl doing something with her hands inside my body. When she notices I am awake, she moves a bit away. I find again food near me: cornmeal and cooked rice, with cheese in it. And the glass with milk is filled again. I start eating. My body got some strength now. I don't remember ever in my life to have eaten so much. After I eat, I light a cigarette.
"What is your name?" she asks me.
"I don't remember", I say.
"Sure you don't remember", she says. "You are suffering from pellagra, that is a lack of vitamins. You will recover in a few days. Take those red pills, they will help".
I do as she tells me.
"Who are you?" I ask.
"I am The Legend", she says. "But a long time ago, I was a little girl. My name was Abidet. Just try to rest. When you will be ready, you will find the answers".
I finish eating and lean back to sleep. When I wake-up again, it is morning. Now, I am alone in the forest, but food is already placed near me. I eat again. Then, I feel the need to take a piss. So, I move a bit deeper into the forest. For the last weeks or months, nobody knows for how long, it was something very painful. I lost a lot of blood. But now, I piss as I should do, only with a little pain. Did the cancer go away? How could be this possible? Yes, it looks like I am cured.
It started in the labor camp, nobody knows when. I started to have bleedings. The local doctor diagnosed me with cancer at my uterus. They told the guards: "Use her as she still is available, cause she will not last much". Since then, they forced me to work harder then others and they reduced my food ratio. I knew I was going to die. All that time, I just hoped it will happen sooner. I just couldn't take it any more. When I was no longer useful, they took me to the body pit.
My body was a twisted mass of pain and blood. I didn't have any intact piece of skin. All was just full of wounds. They bitten me every day. And not only me, everyone. But now, my skin is healing very fast.
I don't see the green girl for a few days, but I always find food near me. Food, milk and medicine. And new packs of cigarettes. I notice something incredible with my body.
I feel some pain in my former feet. Surprisingly, I see something growing there. Are my feet growing back? I lost them when I was working in the mine. A wagon filled with coal ran away and hit me, cutting my feet. How many people lost their feet this way in the mines? After that, they moved me to other tasks: sorting rice seeds, working with wood, anything that I could do.
My feet are growing, but my hands are healing too. Once, they broke my left arm, for not working as fast as required. At my right hand, they broke my elbow, not because I did anything bad, but to give an example to the others. It was very hard to move my hands after that. Now, I can move them again. It is amazing to see my body healing like this.
My body is healing. All wounds are vanishing like through a miracle. Well, certainly this is a miracle. A surprising one. And my memory is returning. Long ago, I had a name, but I cannot remember it. In the labor camp, I was 11459. That's it, we don't have names, just numbers. I also remember The Legend. She appeared a few times, as a bright green star above the camp. Once, she landed here and the guards emptied their rifles on her, but bullets just ran through her body without hitting anything. Since then, she never came at all.
**********
I don't know how much time it passed. Maybe two weeks. I just don't know. All this time I had an incredible hunger. My feet had grown to my knees and are still growing. My skin is now without scars. Even my teeth have grown back, I don't know how. One morning I wake-up. I find again food near me and I eat all. Then, I light a cigarette. The green woman comes to me and sits near me. Now, I see that she is also smoking a green cigarette that makes a green smoke.
"How do you feel today?" she asks me.
"Incredibly fine", I ask. "Why do you help me?"
"Because I was a girl like you", she says. "Well, I did not suffer as much as you do, but I was also killed and somehow resurrected with this non-material body".
"In this camp?" I ask.
"No. Eighty years ago", she answers. "I've seen how much your people are suffering. I just could not stand and do nothing".
"So you came to us to help us", I say.
"Yes, but I never imagined to see this much suffering".
"What will happen to me?" I ask.
"Only good things. For now, just wait to recover yourself".
"I remember the guards shooting you".
"Yes", she says, laughing. "But I am already dead. What can they do to me?"
"Abidet", I say, remembering her name.
"That was my name, when I was alive", she says. "Now, it is time for you to remember your name".
"I don't know. I am 11459. This is my number in the camp".
"No, not that", she says. "You had a real name, once. Don't you remember it?"
"No. That was a long time ago, when I was a little girl".
"Why were you imprisoned?" she asks.
"Like I could remember", I say. "I guess I was 13 at that time. I didn't do anything. I had an uncle and he was caught not crying when our former supreme leader died. He was accused to be a traitor. You know the law. 3 generations are imprisoned for one's sin. So, all his brothers, parents, grandparents, children and nephews were imprisoned too. This is how I got here. I guess most of us died. I never seen many of them for a long time. Can you save them too?"
She looks at me a bit sad and says:
"I could, but this will not make any good to them. Healed, they will return to the camps and suffer for longer. I saved you for a reason and that reason is that you seem the only one able to open its mind and know the truth".
I look so amazed. In the camp, we are not allowed to speak. In fact we are, but one single word can send you to punishment. There are many others who, for a spoon of rice, will sell you. Once, I just said "I cannot work any longer" and for this I received 100 lashes on my back and 100 punches in my belly. We were always starving. I was so happy when I could find a worm in the ground... but I could get punished for this. Eating worms and grass... this is what kept us alive. So, a spoon of rice was enough for many to send other inmates to public execution.
"The truth is", she says, while smoking, "that you all live in a lie. All you have been told is a lie. What is your reason to exist?"
"To serve our beloved supreme leader", I say, instantly. "He is the one that calls the sun to rise. He is the one that makes the birds to sing. Without him, we are lost. We would die, like the whole rest of the world".
"That is not truth", she says to me. "I've seen the whole world and nobody is suffering more then you do. No other people".
I listen this so surprised. In the camp, each day, after finishing work, we sing for our supreme leader for hours. We listen his recorded speeches and recite them, word by word. Who does not do this perfectly, will not receive any food.
"Does he love you as you love him?" she asks me.
"Yes, he does", I answer instantly. "If he wouldn't love us, he will not call the sun to heat us and the rain so we can grow crops".
"You know, this is not truth. Do you know where I got all this food from? It is your food, grown in your state. He orders only a small ratio to reach you, the rest is thrown away. He wants all of you to starve, so you will never have power for a rebellion. He controls you through starvation".
I look so amazed. But why shouldn't I be amazed? When I was free, I noticed that soldiers marched to each house and took all food they could find. We were not allowed to store anything. This was a big crime and was punished with life imprisonment. We had quotas of all crops. Now, I see.
"If you don't believe me, just go on the other side of the mountain. To West is the labor camp, to North is the valley where they throw excess food".
"I believe you. But it is not our supreme leader. It is that his men are not doing things right".
"I wish you could see him as he really is", she says. "I did. And I seen his soul".
Saying this, she moves away, up in the sky. I see her. She heads to the camp. It doesn't take much and I hear distant gunfire. Then, silence. I am sure she did not die, but still there are many things I don't understand. I am grown to take things as are told to me, not to ask anything. How could our supreme leader not love us? This is something I don't believe. He loves us. All we do is for him. Even as I was suffering, I considered it is a rightful punishment for what my uncle did. How could he not cry when our former supreme leader, his father, died? He deserves his punishment and I deserve mine.
Abidet comes again, later, with more food and another pack of cigarettes. The food is moving in front of her, while she does not touch it at all. I again eat. When I finish eating and light a cigarette, she says:
"Please, tell me how it was when you entered the camp".
"Well, Abidet, it was like this. I was a child at that time. They took me into a small room and bitten me until I fallen down. Then, they hung my hands to the roof and kept me for hours, beating me again. They were accusing me, but I don't know for what, shouting: 'Confess! We know what you've done!' But I didn't do anything. 'How dare you behave like this to our supreme leader?' they said. But you know I love him and I will sacrifice my life for him".
"Have you ever seen his face?" she asks me.
"We have posters of him, his father and grand-father in each room", I say. "We listen his speeches every evening for hours".
"So, you think he is a god", she says, with a little sad in her eyes.
"Gods don't exist", I say. "You know very well. You know about evolution. Humans are evolved apes. So, where are the gods in this?"
"Gods do exist", she answers. "You think your supreme leader has god-like powers, but I tell you he hasn't. He is just a man who controls people through terror and starvation. Nothing else".
I just look and cannot answer.
"Every human has a soul", she continues. "I am dead, but you see, my soul is still alive. If you believe in evolution, if you think humans are evolved apes, where is the soul? How could I exist? Just answer me this question and I will accept that your supreme leader calls the sun and the rain to come".
I just cannot answer, just take another drag of smoke. As smoke gets out through my mouth, I say:
"My grandfather said that in old times people were shamanists and worshipped spirits", I say. "But we were told spirits do not exist. I believed all this, but now I see you".
"So", she says, "if spirits do exist, gods exist too. Gods are more powerful spirits".
I take the cigarettes to my lips again and inhale. So, all we were told is a lie. Our supreme leader told us a lie. How is that possible?
"Buddha exists too?" I ask.
"Yes, like all gods. They all exist and they all can help you if you ask them".
"Have you seen them?" I ask, more amazed.
"My mother worshipped a goddess named Actit", she says. "People say that sometimes they seen Actit moving over the mountains, as a powerful lightning, but without noise. I never seen it. I guess I am too small for this. But I've seen many miracles, most of them made by the Christian god Jesus".
"A few people in this camp were imprisoned because they believed in Jesus", I say. "they were given two choices: die or abandon their worship. Some preferred to die".
"And their souls are now happy, near their god", she says.
I look amazed. It just is too much for me. All that we were told to be a lie, is in fact truth. When I was free and later in the camp, we were forced every week to watch for 8 hours the TV. That was the only information we received and nothing else. We were told this is the truth and that we are doing better then the whole world. And there were shows of priests and popes killing children. We were told that religion is a great evil.
"If the supreme leader loves you, why does he allow people to be tortured like you were?" she says.
I don't answer.
"Does he have children?" she says. "I found a lot of scars on your genitals".
"I have been raped many times in the camp", I say. "Then I got pregnant. When the guards found out, they tied me and started to beat my belly every day for hours, until I lost my baby... but it was their baby, because they abused me. Then, they burned my genitals with a metal rod heated in fire until it became red".
"You see?" she says.
I finish my cigarette and throw it away. In that moment, she opens her wings and flies.
"Abidet?" I say.
She is no longer here. I just sit down and think about all this. About all the food I am eating now... that is thrown away. In the camp, as well as before, when I was free, we ate grass. We used to cook tree bark. How happy I was when I could catch a mouse or a rat. I took away its skin and ate its flesh fast, before anyone could see me. We ate earthworms. In the camp, when the guards found out this, they took us to a stick, tied our hands and left us to hang for days, then flogged us. I ate worms from corpses so many times. I never dared to eat a dead body. And now, I am eating all this food that all this time has been thrown away.
**********
After a few other days, my feet are back. There is only one difference, that I don't have toes. Still, I can walk, a thing I could not do for a long time. My skin has no more scars. It all looks so incredible. It looks like my past is long gone. But I know it isn't. The camp is not far. If one of the guards will spot me, I will be back in prison. I know very well what will happen to me. But is life outside good? I remember what life in the village used to be. Were we free? No. We had to present ourselves many times to show our devotion to our supreme leader. Patrols entered each house and checked out if anything was not as it should be. We held paintings of our supreme leader, his father and his grandfather. Those paintings must be kept clean. A single trail of dust and you are arrested. You were supposed to show your gratitude to the supreme leader. A single bad word and you are imprisoned. Anyone can turn you in, for a slice of bread: your parents, your children, friends, quite anyone. And most of all, is the starvation, that is beyond any possible limit. I know people who took a knife and mutilated their bodies because of the pain. When patrols found out, took them directly to a labor camp.
Abidet comes again to me, with some food. I no longer need to eat that much now. After I eat, I light a cigarette. She says:
"Do you remember your name now?"
"No", I say. "I don't".
"Then I will give you one", she says. "From now on, you will be Samantha".
"Why that name?" I ask. I never heard it before".
"I don't know. It is the first one that came to my mind".
I look at the girl who healed me. All this time I've seen her green body. It looks like she is made of light. She must be a goddess. What else can she be? But still, she talks to me so friendly and accepts me to name her Abidet, like calling another woman of my age.
"I think you are ready", she says. "I helped you for a reason. You have an important job to do".
"What do you want me to do?" I say.
"Samantha, I will take you to the supreme leader. I want to show you, so you will see him with your eyes. You will spend 10 days with him. This way, you will know the truth. Remember, all I am offering you is the truth and nothing else. When you will know the truth, you will be ready to do whatever you want. Ready to go?"
"But how?" I ask very surprised.
"Stand-up! We will merge our bodies. I will get into you and we will fly together. Take the cigarettes with you".
I stand on my new feet. Abidet comes close to me, then moves in the place I am. She moves inside me. I feel her body a bit cold. Well, it is not a problem. How many times we were working in the camp in winter without clothes? I had to walk with bare feet on the snow many times. Then, I feel my body very light. I am rising above the ground. Am I flying? Yes, I am.
I also feel a need to smoke beyond any limit. Wow! I light a cigarette and smoke, with exactly the same moves Abidet is smoking. I feel her soul. What is this? I feel. So much loneliness! I hear her speaking in my mind. It looks like she can also hear me. I see some of her memories, of a mountain village. I see her parents. He had a sister and a brother. I see them eating. Her mother sits near the children as they eat. They grow vegetables in the garden and nobody comes to take it. After eating, they are smoking. I also see her at school. All is like through her eyes. Children are walking on the way to school and back, on a dirt road, but they can talk anything they want. They are not singing to their beloved supreme leaders. No! I see her parents arguing that their president is corrupt and not doing what should be done. But by far, people there live a lot better then here.
Then, I see her trip to Mecca, to the holy city. How many people! And all are dressed in white! All are equal one to the other. All come to worship their god, Allah! So many! So, this is the world outside. All people are bigger, healthier. We, here, are small and skinny, because of the endless famine.
I see her watching cartoons on TV, with her family. She is laughing.
Then, I see how she was kidnapped and raped. She was then sold to a place where people pierced needles in her, through her whole body.
"I was tortured too", she says in my mind. "We both are sfenists. We were abused beyond recovery. But you, you suffered beyond any limit. I've been reading your memories too", she says.
I look around. We are flying. We are above the mountains. It is an incredible view. Her body encircles me, like a green haze. All I see is green. What a beautiful landscape! I see the mountains. Along the valleys, there are a lot of villages. How amazing! How beautiful is this place! How beautiful is our state! I never imagined this.
We fly and then, start going down. "We crossed the border", Abidet says. "Here, we will land. I need to go to recharge. I will let you here. Wait me 10 minutes, then I will return. Just tell them I am The Legend. Don't tell them my real name".
As saying so, we go down. We land in a crowded place. We touch ground. Then, she moves out of my body and flies. As she moves, I feel incredibly cold. Freezing. People come to me and one of them puts his cloak on me.
"Who are you?" he asks.
"Samantha", I say.
"And who was she?"
"She is The Legend. A goddess".
"Where are you from?"
"Land Of The People".
I look around. People are fat here. I see someone eating food while walking. They all have colored clothes, while we are supposed to wear uniforms. They have painted and styled hair, while we are supposed to have only a specified haircut. I see men with mustache and beard, while others are shaved... while from where I come, an unshaved man will be imprisoned for this.
Seeing me freezing, one man comes and gives me a cup of hot tea.
"Take this, it will warm you", he says.
"The goddess took you to freedom", another one says. "Many people from your state cross the border into here every year".
I know. But, when they do, all relatives are imprisoned, as traitors.
I look around. Houses are higher, lighter. The roads are a lot better, not dirt roads. I see posters that don't resemble any glorious leader. On one, I see 'Mickey Mouse' and resembles one of the cartoons Abidet was watching in her childhood.
"You are free here", says an old woman. Nobody will ever harm you!"
One man offers me something to eat. Something I never seen. Memories from Abidet makes me remember it is a stake. Meat? Wow, these people eat meat! What a luxury! I eat. It feels so juicy, unlike the meat of mice and rats that I ate so many times, risking my life to fill my stomach. Then, one man offers me a cigarette. I accept and just when I put it in my mouth, Abidet appears again.
She enters my body, only her wings and her green haze is out. I again feel her cold body.
"Where you take her?" someone asks, as we rise above ground and start flying.
"Don't take her back! They will kill her!" says someone else.
We start flying again. I see the ground down, below our feet. So high! We again travel over mountains. I see it all beneath me. But then, we reach a large city. I remember it from TV. It is our glorious capital city. I see the shiny sky-scrappers all around. In its center, there is a large square, where people are marching in a parade. How many times I seen those parades on TV! I see everything looking just as seen on TV. Our supreme leader is there, watching the parade, surrounded by his generals and his elite. We fly directly towards him.
As we approach, I don't know what will happen. He is the one we love. Without him, the sun will no longer shine. Without him, the rivers will no longer flow, plants will not grow, birds will not sing and the whole world will die.
"Don't kill him", I say to Abidet.
"I never kill anyone", she says. "I just help people. Samantha, it is time for you to know him as he is. You will spend time with him now".
We come directly to him. Yes. I am so scared, that I feel like I will die. Better I should die there, in the pit. We land just in his face.
"Is this part of the show?" he says, looking at us.
Abidet gets partially out of my body, but still holds me. She touches his body. He screams, trying to move away, but is paralyzed. Everyone looks at him, scared and not knowing what to do.
"I am The Legend", she says. "Great leader, you said that gods and spirits do not exist. Now, you see one with your eyes. I brought this girl, Samantha. She is from one of your prison camps. I could kill you in an instant for what you done to her, but I will not. I bound you two together. If you move more then 10 meters away from her, you will fill excruciating pain. If you move more then 20 meters from her, you will die. Hurt her and you will feel the same pain. Kill her and you will die too. I will come back to you in 10 days, to see how you both are".
Then, Abidet opens her wings and flies away. I again feel that cold and I fall down, trembling of cold. Surprisingly, I hear him also screaming... of cold. So, our supreme leader feels cold? How is it possible? We thought he never eats, he never goes to the toilette, he is superior to any human. But now?
"Kill that thing!" he screams, trembling on the ground near me.
"Too late! It is gone", says one of the generals.
"I go inside, it's freezing cold here", our leader says.
As he moves, his generals take me and beat me. The supreme leader screams of pain.
"Stop beating her!" he says. "Take her with me!"
He feels anything I feel. So, I go with him, in the palace. Wow! What a luxury! Everything here is made of the finest materials. So much luxury, so much waste! Now, I must follow him wherever he goes. I feel so proud for this. Me and our supreme leader, walking together for 10 days. What a privilege!
But is it so?
"You were from the working camps", he says, laughing. "I will kill you. I will find out who you are and kill all those related to you".
I feel so scared. Abidet, where are you? But he cannot hurt me. He knows very well this. We return to the parade and watch all people marching. Then, we return to the palace. He is hungry. He eats with all generals. I am at a table behind him and they give me food too. Wow, what a waste! So much food! So much meat! I say nothing, just watch all this waste of food. I hardly eat something. I mean, I never ate stake until Abidet took me beyond the border.
He does not seem to care about me at all. He has a lot of politic talks. I always knew that having a key position is a hard job. Well, I also know not to listen to what other people speak. For this, I got punished many times. But now, I do listen when it comes to certain points:
"The new dam must be completed", he says. "We're building it with slaves, don't we?"
"Yes, as you ordered. But soon, it will be completed".
"Take slaves away, bring the machinery and film it. You know well, how. Actors. So, the world will know we did it with our superior technology".
"Yes, sir".
"Then bring the slaves back in. Make sure they work properly. You know how to do this".
"What should be the quota?"
"Kill one in a hundred, in front of all", he says. "Fear is an important tool, will make them work. And give something to the general supervising the project".
Kill? Fear is an important tool? This is what he thinks about us?
Next, he goes to a working place in the capital. I have to go with him, in the back of his car. All the way, he talks very calm about quotas. 5% of population must be imprisoned in working camps, 1% to be killed, 36% of villages and towns to suffer of starvation, then give them a small break of food... as a gift. 8% of population to be relocated, 22% to change jobs. We are not humans. We are just numbers in his mind.
We go to a luxurious residential place in the capital. There are many blocks here. But who lives here? Marching bands, people that march in demonstrations on the streets. This is their job. And oh mine... in what luxury they live.
*********
During these ten days, I've seen it all. Luxury, food, people worshipping him as a god, orders of torture, artificial starvation, diverting of resources for his new palace to be built... Even more. I've seen him having sex with many women... when he is married. What an abomination! And all this time, I had to go with him. But I also hear that he wants to kill The Legend. Usually, he ignores me, but sometimes he is very angry that I follow him everywhere.
All, until one day, when I am at a military parade, behind him. At that moment, I see Abidet on the sky, as a green light. I see her moving in the sky.
"Kill her!" orders the supreme leader.
I see all marching soldiers shooting to the sky. She is just flying through bullets. Nothing can kill her. All this lasts for nearly an hour, until I light a cigarette. In that moment, I see her coming straight to us. She stops in front of our beloved leader.
"Supreme leader", she says, "spirits and gods cannot be killed. I came as I promised. Now, what should I do with you?"
"Don't kill him", I whisper.
"No", says Abidet, blowing some green smoke towards him. "I never kill anyone. I only exist to help".
As she says this, she puts her cigarette in her mouth. She moves one hand inside my body and the other hand inside his body. I feel her cold fingers. Sometimes, he screams, but I am used with pain. All this lasts for a few minutes.
"You must stay together for an additional 6 days", says Abidet. "Then, the spell is over. You both can go each one in the way you want. My job is done here. Samantha, your job will begin in six days. Just remember all you've seen. No more suffering from now on".
As she says this, she opens her wings and starts flying very fast, letting a green trail of fire behind.
"In six days, kill this woman!" he orders.
Just after she flies away, I feel some pain in my body. Our supreme leader feels incredible pain... Well, I think it is just like mine, but he never felt anything bad in his whole life. He is a human and not a god... and a bad human in fact. I start feeling an incredible hunger, while he starts vomiting. We are sent immediately to the best clinic. He is screaming of pain all the time. In a few days, I feel my breasts are detaching from my body, while my body is growing in height and strength. The breasts just drop off. Well, all this lasts for a few days, I don't know how much. All until one day... I hear him screaming from his bed:
"What is wrong with me? What happened to me?"
He has a female voice. Oh mine! He has my voice. Soldiers and doctors come in a hurry. As I look closer... oh mine! He looks like me! Soldiers turn towards me and look surprised:
"Here he is!"
"What? I say, with a male voice.
Now, this is too much. I have his voice! I have his body! What has happened here?
"Don't look at her! It's me! She stolen my body! The Legend changed our bodies!"
It looks like nobody is listening to him now. They immobilize him (now, her) and come to me.
"How may we serve you?" says one doctor.
"Bring us some clothes", I say.
I get dressed with his clothes and he with mine. Nobody believes that he is me and I am him. Then, one general comes and remembers me (thinking that I am him) that I ordered to kill her (now him) in six day... more exactly today. As I look, I see that he is at more then 20 meters from me and not suffering anything.
"Don't kill him", I say. "Nobody must die any longer". Then, I realize that I said 'him' and add immediately: "Nobody must kill her. We don't want The Legend to be angry on us".
**********
After this, months have passed. I became the supreme leader. The first thing I decided, is to make sure people have food and a shelter. I started to learn about how it is in other places. Here, people are not prepared to live outside a dictatorship, but as much as possible, let's make their lives more happy. Nobody will ever suffer from starvation. People will have the right to walk free, to talk on the streets whatever they want, to dress as they want and camps will be reduced. Prison camps should only exist for thieves, murderers and other bad people like these ones.
One day, one of the generals comes to me and says, when he makes sure that the doors are closed:
"Dear supreme leader, I know that you are Samantha. And some of us also know. But many of us were on the death list. This is why we silently accepted you, to save our lives and our families".
I remain in silence for about two minutes.
"Don't worry, we who know the truth, will never confess to anyone".
"Nobody must die any more", I say. "But where is the other Samantha?"
"We sent him to the camp. He went suicide the second day".
"Because he was injured? Was he sexual abused? Bitten?" I ask.
"No. Because he realized that he lost the power and his palaces".
I remain shocked.
"How did he react when he seen all the suffering in there?"
"Not impressed. He only said that this is what prisoners deserved".
I needed to go and see everything. I entered the camp, now almost empty. Only a few thieves are now inside. His body, looking like my body, was dropped into the body pit, where I once were. I even go there and see... only that the dogs ate nearly all, when I got there. And nobody knew, nobody had any idea who actually died in the pit. I am nearly the only one who knows.
People should no longer be worshipped as gods. But what actually is The Legend? Is she a human? How could she be? How is it possible? I am convinced she is a god. So, I decided to build a large shrine of green marble in the center of our capital city. There will be no more parades and demonstrations. Instead, there will be this large shrine, where people will be free to come and bring gifts to her. No more atheism. Gods really exist.
<.> <.>
Note from the author: This story is based on something real. There is at least one place in the world where people suffer like this. In past, there were also other places. Even where I live, something like this happened, before I was born. Only that, all those who ended-up in prison and labor camps, had only sad endings to say. Most of them died without telling anyone their stories. Such stories existed from antiquity. What they all have in common, is when a leader makes himself a god. At that point, he is no longer a human, but a demon. In fact, only demons wished to make themselves gods.
I decided to write this after I heard about the story of a woman in North Korea, that made me cry for two days. Then, I realized that atrocities like these have been committed in Soviet times and even before... as far as ancient civilizations and almost only when people make themselves gods. It is far better to invent an idol then to think yourself as a god.
The Legends Of Abidet
Chapter 8 - Back Home
A dead girl resurrects 80 years later, in a divided world. This is the end story or the pass to a new chapter... of life.
My name doesn't matter. Everyone knows me as Nioa (Old Woman). Some people think I am the oldest person on Earth. They might be right, I don't know. I was born in 1984 and now it is 2115. 131 years old is just too much. I have memories from 3 different centuries. And all this, despite that I was a convinced smoker for all my life.. and I still smoke today. My husband died when he was 84, in 2066. So, I lived as a widow for 50 years. We had 3 lovely children: two daughters and a son. But, the youngest girl, Abidet, was kidnapped when she was 17. We get birth to a 4th child, a boy, to take her place, but it was not the same. All 3 children died when they were around 80 years old. The last died Altha, our last child, at 81, in 2103, 12 years ago. Even many of my nephews died of age. I lived to see my great great grandchildren.
Everybody thinks that I am a miracle and my extended life is a gift from the gods. But the correct answer is that I was waiting. I was waiting all this time. I was waiting and I am still waiting for Abidet to return. Will she ever return? I think yes. And I think I will not see death until she will return. But now, she must be over 100 years old.
When Abidet was kidnapped, she was a teen. I tried everything to find her. I didn't try to work with the police or anything like it. No. I worked with the mafia. I tried to search after her, trying to work with the guys who took her. I found out that she was token by a mafia faction. They wanted to prostitute her, but failed. By the time I managed to get to those guys, they already sold her. But where? I traveled half the world after her She was sold to a laboratory that somehow was completely destroyed. No survivals. Dead end. No way to find her back.
At that point I considered her to be dead. But was she? I never believed that she died. So, I walked up in the mountains, to the shrine of Actit. I kneeled and prayed all night to the goddess for help. I know her powers. She did many miracles in my life and guarded me anywhere I walked. In the end, I took my tears and poured them on the shrine. I said: "Actit, I know your powers. I know who you are and how many times you worked through my hands. Please, please let me find my daughter". Then, I pierced a finger and mixed my tears with blood and offered them to the goddess. Morning was coming and I fallen to sleep.
It was when I felt asleep that I seen the goddess, coming to me, as a bird made of light. She told me:
"Nicotiana, your eyes will not see death until you will see your daughter returning".
I woke-up. It was bitter cold, but the shrine was hot. I returned home. I was not tired any longer. I was 38 years old. Well, nearly a century has passed. All this time, I was waiting for Abidet to return. I never doubt that she will return.
Who is Actit? She is the first human. Here, at the End Of The World, many legends and beliefs have survived from ancient times. The legend of Actit is as follows: The primordial god first made the Altar and it is the Altar that created the world, with little effort. Then, the Altar created life, with much effort. And finally, using all its forces, it created the first human soul. In that moment, a white lightning came from the sun and a black lightning came from the ground. From the black lightning, a small ray reached the sky and gave birth to the rain, while from the white lightning, a small ray reached the ground and gave birth to the grains. The two lightning merged in the sky, surrounding the Altar and creating the body, while the Altar became the soul. And so was created Actit, the first woman, the mother of Adam and Eve and the goddess of life.
I am now very old. My great grandchildren take care of me. They bring me food, they take me out and help me. In every moment, there is one watching and helping me. I don't like this, but what can I do? I am too weak to walk. Even eating with a spoon is hard for me. But, so far, I never needed much medicine. Usually, they take me outside, where I can see the mountains, the railway and the landscape of our village. I keep watching, hoping that one day I will be able to see Abidet returning. Nobody hopes that she will return. Nobody has lived long enough to see her, but me. Nobody believes that she is still alive, but me.
So many things have passed in all this time. The debt crisis ended-up with hyperinflation and a worldwide famine. The environmental crisis came after fossil fuel was exhausted... and ended with massive storms and droughts. The nuke crisis ended with the breakaway of all large states and with the collapse of any form of globalization. Now, the richest are moving towards outer space, letting us, the poor, here on Earth. 3 major federations (unions or empires, for me is the same) ruled the world, but all collapsed with the nuke crisis. Some said that the future will be in outer space. I don't know. I lived too long.
Today, one great nephew is with me. His name is Adge and is about 50 years old.
"Are you ok, Nioa?" he asks me.
"Yes, I am ok", I say. "Adge, can you do something for me?" I ask.
"I know, Nioa", he says. "You want a cigarette".
"That should be nice", I say, "but there is something else".
"You want me to take you to the shrine?" he asks. "It will get you very tired".
"No, not to the shrine", I answer. "Somewhere else".
"Where?"
"To a small lake. In the forest. Think your hover-car can do it?"
"Yes, Nioa, but you know everyone will get upset to me if I take you there".
"Please, Adge. I will die one day and I want to see a certain place before I get out of life".
"I will, but with one condition, that you will eat something".
I agree. He feeds me with a spoon. Then, he takes me on his back and puts me in his hover-car. Today cars float over obstacles, even over trees. I guide him all the way. About 3 km from my home, there is a small, forgotten dam. It is about the same age as I am. 130 years ago, there was a giant plan to build a hydro power plant in these mountains, by diverting all rivers through dams and tunnels. Nobody finished this project even today. One dam was built on a small stream. Now, the lake is completely silted and trees grew where the lake once were. Many people don't know this dam, but I do. Adge doesn't. I ask him to take me out of his car and let me down on grass, where the former shore once were.
"Be careful, Nioa", he says. "You might get a cold".
"Don't worry", I say.
"I should worry", he answers. "If anyone finds out that I took you here, they will kill me".
"Ask Actit to hide us and nobody will know".
"What is this place?" he asks.
"Atan, this is the place where my life starts and where I wish it will end one day. I lived too much".
"Don't say that, Nioa! You scare me with these words".
"Why? Everyone will die one day", I say.
"Please, tell me more about this place".
I know he said that to stop me thinking about my death. But, because I have so many memories about this place, I prefer to tell him.
"When I was a child, this is where I used to come. At that time, it was a lake. I used to tell the lake all my happiness and sadness. This lake knew all my life. This is where I used to come with your great grandfather and with my children. Even with your grandmother, Aisha. Ah, things were so different at that time. I was obsessed with green. I had green hair and I convinced my husband to paint his hair green too. He looked just as I did".
"Like a woman?" he asks amazed.
"Yes. He was a transgender. Half man, half woman".
"With body implants? Did he take hormones?" he asks.
"No", I answer. "Not like that. He only took woman clothes, but never went to surgery or to hormones. His body was that of a man in all aspects".
"I never knew".
"Well, at that time, this was prohibited. But here, at the lake, we always were like this. Today, sexual minorities have rights, but at that time, gay people were killed. At that time, nobody knew. We were both sfenists".
"What is a sfenist?"
"A sfenist is a rare sexual minority. Sfenists are victims of a sexual abuse, like a rape. They are affected beyond recovery. For a sfenist, it becomes nearly impossible to have an active sexual life".
"Nioa, you say that you are a sfenist? But how that you had children?" he asks.
"All my children are made artificial", I answer.
As I talk, I feel very tired. I fall asleep. I feel like in the old times. The lake was not silted. I see me with my husband on the shores of this lake, smoking together, both dressed as two women. Our pantyhosed feet are touching the water. We used to swim here. Our children were so happy, playing in the woods and even swimming in summer. It was like our private swimming pool. Nobody ever visited us here. I see little Abidet playing here too. She was dressed like us, with a green dress, smoking near us while playing with the other children in the forest.
Then, I remember when she was kidnapped. She did not return from school. How scared was I! I searched her anywhere. The next day Spar, a neighbor, remembered that he seen Abidet with a guy, walking downstream. Someone else remembered that she went to a train station with the same guy. She took the train! I searched every place after her, over and over.
Then, I wake-up. I see the trees growing where the lake once were. I see the dam covered with vegetation. Adge is near me, sleeping. In that moment, I hear Abidet's voice:
"Don't worry, mom! You will see me! I am coming. I know where you are!"
"What?" I say.
Adge wakes-up.
"You said something, Nioa?"
I say nothing. I am very old, but still my brain is intact. This might be a dream, but I really don't know. It is better to keep it all quiet. Who knows what Adge might think, that I am getting insane.
**********
A few days have passed. Rain came over the mountains. I had to stay inside. But then, suddenly, weather changed. Two great grandchildren are now at home, watching me: Adge and Cemis. They both take good care of me. Since the weather is fine, they take me out.
"Nioa appeared on TV again", says one of them.
"She is the oldest woman on Earth", says another one.
Yes, television came here many times, to see me. They are amazed of my age. I don't like them to bother me.
"Do you want something, Nioa?" they say.
"Yes, a cigarette", I say.
"You know it is not good for you", says Cemis.
"If it were not good, I would have died a long time before", I say.
Adge gives me one. He puts the cigarette in my mouth and a small plate below it. They both smoke too. But unlike any other day, I feel a lot better and very happy. It is like something is going to happen. I feel it. I always felt when something is going to happen or when someone is thinking about me.
"Abidet will come soon", I say.
They don't bother to answer. but I know they are sure she will never come.
I finish my cigarette and fall asleep. Then, suddenly, a voice says: "Wake-up!"
I wake and look around.
"Cemis, Adge, are you still here?" I say.
"Are you hungry, Nioa?" they ask.
"I want another cigarette".
"No, Nioa", says Adge. "First, you have to eat".
I know how tricky they are. Well, let's play their games. I eat. Then, they light a cigarette and put it in my mouth.
"Abidet will come", I say again. "She is alive and searching for me".
"She will come", says Cemis.
Yes, she says that to make me think so and not worry. But I know she doesn't believe me.
"You see that?" says Adge.
"What, cousin?" says Cemis.
"That green light on the sky".
"What light? A, that one? Could it be a drone?"
What are they talking about? I see nothing.
"It is approaching", says Cemis.
Yes, I see it too. My eyes are old, but for sure I see some sort of green star on the sky. The light is getting closer. Much closer and brighter. I see it. But it doesn't look like a light, more like a butterfly. Or what is it? I see it a lot closer. It looks like a green woman, with green butterfly wings. It is surrounded by a green fire. I also see that she is smoking.
"Is it dangerous?" says Adge.
"Hey! Isn't that The Legend?" asks Cemis.
"We should run".
"And Nioa?"
"Let's take her inside".
The green woman is approaching. But, as soon as I see her face, I start crying. She looks...
"Mother?" says the green girl.
"Abidet?" I ask.
"Mother? Are you? How you got that old?"
I start crying, as she comes to me and tries to touch. I cannot feel her body. Her hands are like of a ghost's, cold and entering through my body.
"Abidet! I knew I will not see death until you come back!"
"Are you The Legend?" asks Adge.
"Yes, I am", she says. "And who are you?"
"They are Aisha's grandchildren", I say.
"My sister. Is she here too?" she asks.
"No", I say. "She died at 88, in 2093".
We try to hug each other, but we just cannot. Her body is passing through mine.
"Where have you been all these years?" I ask.
"Inside a bottle", she says.
"Actit, my eyes have seen my daughter returning!" I cry. "Now, you can let me die!"
"No, mother, don't die!" she says.
But it is too much for me. I feel how my soul gets out from my old body. For so many years, I could no longer move my feet and my hands. Now, I start moving. I feel how the old body remains behind me and I move above it, standing on my feet.
"I can see you", says Abidet.
"I can see you too", I answer.
"The matter I am made of, is something between the matter of a body and that of a soul".
We try to hug again, but now it is me getting through her body. My soul-body is too thin and passes through her.
"All these years I've been waiting for you", I say.
"I finally found you!"
I realize that I am no longer old. I look just like I did when Abidet was a child.
Then, I see a bright light near me. It looks like a bird, but with the head of a woman. She shines more then the sun, but not with the same light as the sun. It is completely different.
"Who are you?" asks Abidet.
"You know me", says the light. I am Actit, the first woman".
"Thank you for making me live enough to see my daughter!" I say, crying of happiness.
"No need to thank me", she says. "I thank you. We cannot make miracles if people don't believe that we can. Now, you need to go to your place in the afterlife".
"Take me with you", says Abidet.
"No", says the goddess. "Your job is not over. You will roam over the world and help many people until your job will be done. Everyone exists for a reason and your reason is to help other people".
I try to hug Abidet with all my power. But, I see her remaining down, while I move up somewhere.
"Take a cigarette", says Actit. "Anything you offered to other people when they needed, are waiting you here. Every good thing you did in life is repaid here. And also everything bad you did, is paid. But you don't need to worry. You paid for all your bad things with all these years being paralyzed on bed".
"And Abidet?" I ask.
"She has her own role. Her job is to help others. She will come to you when she will complete the purpose for her existence".
I move further and further away. The sky becomes green and I see a paradise like if made for me, with green everywhere. There, I see everything I offered to someone for help. Even once, when I offered a slice of bread to a street dog to eat... the slice is here. Actit lets me here and flies somewhere else.
I see my other children, each one in its own paradise. I see my husband and my nephews who passed away, my brother and my sisters, my parents. They are all here, each in its own paradise.
Only Abidet is not here. But I can see her. I can see all what is on Earth. She tells Adge and Cemis that she seen me going to the sky with goddess Actit. And then, she shouts:
"Mother, may your soul be happy!"
"May you soul be happy too, little miracle!" I say too, even knowing that she cannot hear me.
THE END