I'm confused.
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My RLT is going great. I'm accepted by almost all of my friends, all of my co-workers, and some of my family. I live with a wonderful woman in a 16 year platonic partnership, I have recently discovered that an angel, an incredible, beautiful, intelligent, understanding woman, is in love with me, and I feel the same about her...and yet.
At this moment in time I feel ineffably alone and lost. I have no clue why I feel this way, and yet it's very, very real. I sat in my car this afternoon, just letting it warm up, for over an hour. I never left the driveway, the car was never out of park. I just sat there, with the window cracked open, burning gas, listening to the radio, and crying.
And I don't know why I'm feeling this way. I only know that I DO. I don't know what to do about it, and I'm not even sure I want to talk to anyone about it.
Maybe part of it is that, while I was sitting in the car, in my mind I was headed south, to Atlanta. But I've promised not to do that, and I won't.
I've been alone a lot in my life, and I thought I had these feelings handled, yet today, they came rushing back to me like a runaway bulldozer.
Maybe I'm only writing this in some kind of attempt to quantify what I feel by writing about it...it's not helping. Maybe it has something to do with the arctic blast we've been having since long before winter was even official. I don't know.
I apologize if posting this brings anyone down. That is not my intent. I'm not looking for sympathy either, although I'm not exactly sure what it that I AM looking for. Heh, maybe I just need a good spanking, ala Gwen.
Maybe I'm afraid that everything I've worked for will collapse like a house of cards, and I'll end up alone again. This time for good. It wouldn't be the first time.
I know that I have things better than a lot of you do, and probably, in your eyes, I have no reason to feel this way...but I do...and I don't know WHY! I'm not suicidal or anything like that...just very, very lonely.
Catherine Linda Michel