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This blog was originally posted on my website, but I'm sharing it here because I feel some of you will be interested.
First, I'd like to thank all those who reached out to me in these difficult times. You don't know how much it has helped me to push through. Directed (mandatory) overtime has ended at work, and my stress levels are pretty low right now. I've kept rather limited contact with my mother as she has been the primary catalyst for most of my turmoil. I'm more emotionally stable than I was when I wrote my last blog, but I'm going to continue my writing hiatus for the next several weeks. I don't want to set any specific dates, but I will keep you updated when I am ready to resume telling Kayde's story.
This last year has been pretty wild for me, I have discovered I'm trans, made new friends and started pushing boundaries that I never had before. This has also prompted a lot of reflection and deep thought. I've interacted with a much more diverse group of people and this has sparked some new revelations about myself. A few months back I added #neurodiverse to my twitter bio. I have struggled with ADD my whole life. I liked the more positive viewpoint, and the idea that it isn't so much a disorder as a simple natural diversity of the brain. Basically some people's brains work differently than others and that's not necessarily a bad thing, it's just another aspect of biological diversity.
For some time now, I've been exploring the idea that I may have autism. Some of the things that really started to drive this home were that I don't make eye contact with people, I've long struggled picking up on simple social cues and effectively communicating is difficult for me. All of these are often indicators and while there are a laundry list of criteria, I'm not going to list them here or all those that apply to me. Suffice it to say these particular ones resonated pretty heavily with me.
So, yesterday I brought this up with my therapist and she agreed with me, in fact she'd already drawn the same conclusion. She actually works with a lot of people with autism and she recognized the signs in me. Now, some of you might ask why she didn't bring it up and that is a valid question. She reasoned that I had a lot of things to work through in regards to being trans and most especially with my mother and that suggesting I have autism might cause me stress I didn't need. I appreciate this, I think allowing me to find out on my own, really helped me come to terms with it. Had she brought it up in one of our sessions, I might not have been as receptive to the idea.
So, while I haven't had a formal diagnosis, it's pretty clear I have autism. I don't look at this as a bad thing, but merely part of who I am. Please don't pity me or suggest that I am somehow lesser than anyone else. For me autism does not diminish me nor do I see it as a disability. I have a different way of seeing the world because my brain works a little differently than neurotypicals. I am intelligent, thoughtful and passionate and I celebrate discovering this truth about myself. Knowing is half the battle, and understanding that I'm wired differently allows me to better function in a world built by people who's brains work differently from me.
This is still very new to me, but it is a subject that I will continue to discuss. I feel it's important to be open about these subjects to better raise awareness. Our society has taught us that anything labeled as different or less desirable should be hidden and kept a secret. I believe that's why there is such a mental health crisis in our society. If people are allowed to discuss things like depression or drug addiction without fear of being judged or demeaned, more folks could get the help they really need. In the same way, if we were more open about autism, those of us who struggled to cope could better learn to adapt.
Thanks for reading and I hope you will continue with me on this journey of discovery and as usual have a deliciously devious day,
Comments
Aspergers
... and high-functioning autism have certain similarity with ADD. One often gets the same distractability and out-of-control mind, but the ADD treatments fail. One has to learn the subtle distinctions, connotations, metaphors, and social cues the hard way -- usually, the embarrassingly hard way.
I'm pretty sure that there are subtle distinctions between "velocity" and "speed".
At one point, some physicist, probably a freshman physics teacher, oblivious to such subtle distinctions, saw that we had two synonymous words. He created an overt distinction, one adopted by probably all freshman physics texts: "Speed is a scalar. Velocity is a vector." Velocity is the only vector with a different word for its magnitude.
Supposedly, the freshman-physics definitions help the beginner learn the concept of a vector. Unfortunately, the distinction usually doesn't stick. That's why we see expressions such as "the velocity of sound", "the velocity of light", "the escape velocity", etc.
-- Daphne Xu
I actually believe I may have
I actually believe I may have both. I was treated for ADD when I was younger. The meds actually did help me focus. Unfortunately, I didn't have much of a personality when I was on them. As far as learning "subtle distinctions, connotations, metaphors, and social cues" that is something I'm still working on.
Have delightfully devious day,
I am on the autism spectrum
I am on the autism spectrum as well. I've always considered that an interesting analogy to the "masking" we do is a virtual machine in a computer. While some people run "Windows" natively, I'm running "Linux". For me to act like a neurotypical person, I have to run a virtual layer that allows me to seem neurotypical.
I have found that knowing how I am made actually relieves a lot of stress too. I used to think I was just weird, but being neurodiverse explains so much about who I am. Interestingly, I've found in my studies on the subject that a lot of "autistic" people are trans.
I've thought several times if I would trade who I am for not being trans or neurodiverse. The answer is an emphatic no. I simply wouldn't be the same person I've become. I wouldn't have the wonderful kids or grandkids that I have. Am I different than others? Sure. Is something wrong with me? I don't think so. Besides; who's to say I'm not the normal one and all those neurotypical people aren't the abnormal ones?
Hugs!
Rosemary
I do love the virtual machine
I do love the virtual machine comparison. I actually understand it as someone with some background in computers.
I refuse to let it define me. Yes, it is a part of who I am, but I don't think it should be all of who I am. It's just a small aspect and it won't stop me from being or doing what I want.
Have delightfully devious day,
Spectrum
I’m also on the spectrum
Hugs for your difficult couple of weeks.
hugs :)
Michelle SidheElf Amaianna
I am in good company then, :)
I am in good company then, :)
Hugs and thank you.
Have delightfully devious day,
Differently wired brains
Even us lefties have differently wired brains from the majority of the population. I see it as being a badge of honour. I know I'm different from the Bog Standard Person and if you can't deal with that, then it is your problem not mine. Being trans as well just makes the wiring in my brain look like a dog's breakfast rather than something that would pass any sort of wiring inspection. It is my brain so hands off!
Vive La Difference!
Samantha
haha, I love the way you
haha, I love the way you think
Have delightfully devious day,
Not just you …
It's not just you who have to learn to adapt, we "neurotypicals" also have to learn how to accomodate those who are different. We cannot simply expect everybody to act according to our standards or traditional expectations. We have to find a way to coexist that shares the burden of adjusting to the other party, a true compromise with regard to expectations and not just expect those who do not fit into the traditional boxes to adjust and accomodate the, well, let's call them "mainstream persons".
That would be ideal, but I'm
That would be ideal, but I'm afraid in my experience, very few people are willing to make such change. I was diagnosed with ADD at a young age and rather than try to work with me and develop a teaching method that would work better with it, what was done? I was given a controlled substance that's just about chemically identical to Meth. That's right, one of the common drugs used to treat AD(H)D: Adderall, is very similar to Meth. People would rather drug their children than try alternative teaching methods. That says a lot about our society.
ABA therapy which is a very common treatment for autism, is basically used to force autistic children to adapt to living in a neurotypical world. This treatment has become more controversial in recent years because autistic adults who underwent such treatment have come forward and said how traumatic it was for them. There are still people who defend it, even parents of autistic children. People would rather force their children to adapt even to the point of inflicting trauma on them then adapt to them. That too says a lot about our society.
I wish more people felt like you, but I'm afraid few are willing to inconvenience themselves to accommodate folks who are different.
Have delightfully devious day,
I can't be autistic, I have all these EMOTIONS
Sometimes so much and with no legitimate reason that the wiring between my brain and my mouth gets crossed and speaking is difficult or impossible. But I had stereotypes in my head of what autism was and there were things that didn't fit what you see in the movies and such...
Then I started watching YouTube videos by actual autistic people and found out that being on the spectrum doesn't mean you're a robot, or that you can instantly count ("Yeah, definitely...") a large mass of spilled toothpicks. I heard a lot from them I could relate to; like my issue with florescent lights, grocery store music and traffic sounds; and I found out that what I always called "my freakouts" came from being overstimulated; and it explained why shopping malls usually throw me into a state of panic where everything around me starts to look really weird, and I know if I don't get out of there immediately I'd gonna be on the ground in fetal position and everybody asking me if I'm okay is gonna make it so much worse.
Growing up I had several teachers tell my parents I needed help with my "problem", but my parents hated the idea shrinks and therapists almost as much as they hated Democrats; and felt there was nothing wrong with me that yelling at me couldn't fix, so I've just had to fumble my way through life being marginally (thankfully just enough) employable, wondering why I was such a fuck-up; until I got on SSI. Self diagnosis is a risky business, the DSM is chockablock with different conditions that keep getting shuffled around, renamed or deleted; and I could be one of those other ones I havent looked into; like Boogerhead Personality Disorder. Could just be latching onto a label that doesn't actually apply and I should leave that sort of thing to the professionals (because they always know what they're talking about; like back in the 70's when they believed autism was caused by a child being horrifically abused, causing parts of their brains to shut down, or something like that; and good parents were maligned and accused of horrible deeds because that was the prevailing theory); But 3-4 online tests I took (that looked to be more comprehensive than the typical fatuous magazine "personality test"...) indicated that I'm neurodiverse to some degree, in some aspects more than others; and my having Asperger's (or whatever they call it now that Dr. Asperger was outed as a fucking Nazi who KILLED autistic people that didn't fit his "high function" criteria) would explain a LOT of things about me, and how I think, my social awkwardness, being baffled and occasional inappropriateness ("What? What did I say???"); and why all my life I've been fairly content doing my own thing where I don't have to deal with the complexities of interpersonal interactions. So maybe I'm not autistic, I'm not invested enough in finding a label for myself to invest ($$$) in a professional diagnosis; but I clearly have a helluva lot in common with people who are. And just that in itself lets me no longer feel ashamed of my weirder traits, that made me fear there was something really, really, really wrong with me + it was somehow my fault...
~hugs, Veronica
And remember...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifLqzLEB3E0
Autistic people definitely do have emotions
The "no emotions" stereotype is utter nonsense, and IMHO simply an excuse to treat autistic people inhumanly.
I have known a number of people on the autistic spectrum, in particular my older child, and they (singular "they") definitely had lots of emotions. My child shows anger, anxiety, happiness, etc.; they are also actually rather empathic, more so than their mother, at least when they remember to be. One of their friends is the mother of a young girl, and she is one of the most caring and attentive (and patient!) mothers I have known. What is different is that the autistic people I know -- well, at least my child -- had to have help learning to recognize emotions in themself and others and expressing their emotions in ways that neurotypicals can recognize.
The first few therapists we saw when they were little (age 4) apparently subscribed to the autism=no emotions theory, maybe even autism = not really human, and they believed that the appropriate "therapy" was to do Pavlovian training to make them show a crude facsimile of neurotypical behavior. We finally found one who had considerable experience with people all over the spectrum and saw my child as a human being, and she really helped them to function socially. (I particularly remember the day when they -- at age 5 -- finally learned how to be hugged.)
My child also had (and has) a lot of sensory processing issues. Certain textures, sounds, and food textures and tastes were simply intolerable. I recall that being in a noisy, chaotic environment would put them into a kind of altered state of consciousness, and when we removed them from that environment, they would kind of snap out of it. I've heard that it's not uncommon -- Temple Grandin reports similar issues.
My child also had trouble understanding social mechanisms. I remember having to explain over and over why you can't rob a bank. (Not that they were planning to, but they couldn't understand why people didn't do it.) And they still have trouble dealing with people they don't know, because they can't figure out people that they haven't gotten to know.
I think those stereotypes of
I think those stereotypes of autism are a lot of the reason why I didn't see it sooner and why I was never diagnosed. It doesn't help that i also have ADD and there is considerable overlap between both.
Do consider talking to a medical professional if you aren't comfortable self-diagnosing, it's what I did.
Have delightfully devious day,
ADD and Me
I have a few problems that to a certain extent mimic some of the problems of some people on the autistic spectrum. First, I have a form of ADD. While I can concentrate like a laser to the exclusion of almost everything else, in ordinary interactions, I can be distracted by trivialities making it difficult to finish tasks.
Another problem I have is prosopognosia, the inability to recognize people by their faces. I've found ways around this: Normally, I recognize people by their voices instead, but also if I draw or even visualize drawing someone's face while looking at them, I will eventually be able to recognize their phiz. But out of context, I might still be baffled as to why this perfect stranger is talking to me. :) (Yeah, that happens.)
Another problem is that in noisy environments, my ability to pick out and understand voices and conversations is degraded. In a restaurant, I might be able to hear someone talking across the room while my dining partners seem to have ringing and clattering noises coming out of their mouths. Big noisy crowds have paradoxical effects on my ability to hear. I hear everything but cannot control which items in the chaos I am paying attention to.
I'm also ambidextrous to a degree that makes it hard to tell left from right sometimes. I have a "magnetic" solution to that problem. My right hand knows which way is North but my left hand hasn't a clue. :) So, if I try to point North, I will always do it with my right hand, solving the problem of telling my hands apart.
I think more people are non-neurotypical than is recognized and that there are as many ways of being neuro-individuals as there are people .
Hugs,
Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
Truth be told, if someone
Truth be told, if someone were to describe what you just did, I'd think they might be on the autism spectrum. The overlap in symptom with ADD, like being easily distracted. means that folks with autism are sometimes misdiagnosed with it. I personally believe I have both. There are a lot of little things that when add up.
Have delightfully devious day,