As everyone who has been following my blogs lately knows, an old friend from high school has come back into my life and is living with me along with his fiance while they get back on their feet. In doing so, I had to sacrifice my life as Katie, mainly out of fear at how they would react to the fact that I was really a girl and had deceived him when I was in high school. I was willing to make that sacrifice. I wasn't thrilled about it, but I was willing. I deleted all my bookmarks that would have given any clue to my true nature. I told everyone online that I would be taking a hiatus so I wouldn't be discovered, and all articles of clothing was carefully hidden.

Last night those plans came crashing down like a lead balloon.

I suppose it started by seeing the therapist. It had been quite some time since I saw him. Our last appointment was canceled due to illness and then the holidays. But I really needed to see him and scheduled a night time appointment, which is weird for me. I discussed the current going ons and putting Katie on hold and how I felt about that. I talked about my desire to move forward, how every time I reach a new level I think that I will be satisfied to remain there and that Katie's journey is over at that point. It never turns out that way and we discussed what I can do next. All in all, a good session. We discussed why I wasn't telling my friend about me and my take was that it was only until February so why rock the boat.

Then I got home. Something changed. It was a simple question by his fiance. "How was your doctor's appointment?" Though I thought the session went good, my answer was that it was not good, not good at all. I don't think I was talking about the session but life. Then I did something I didn't dream I ever would. I told the truth about myself, about my real self, about Katie. I was scared and nervous. I was facing my biggest fear. I was expecting anger. I was expecting ridicule. I was expecting an objection. I got none of that. I didn't even get a stunned silence, which I had figured would be the best response I could have gotten from the situation. Instead, I got a "I don't care about what you are on the outside, but that your a good person on the inside."

WHAT!?!?!?

Not what I expected. Not in a million years. I wouldn't even write that scene into a story because it was too far fetched.

There were tears. I told them of my loneliness, how I felt this was something I would have to do on my own. I told them of my fears, how I was afraid of rejection. Then there were more tears. There are still more tears. We discussed the past. We discussed the future. My friend was amazingly supportive, encouraging me to act now and not go so slow and transition when I'm in my 90s. I told him of the abuse at the hands of my cousin. I told him of how my mother has rejected me. I told him so many things that I feel as if I unearthed a coffin and instead of finding a corpse, I found that there is still life in me yet.

I learned that I can be accepted. That people don't view me as a freak. That I can be vulnerable. That I can cry openly in front of a person who new me as Tiny the macho wrestler. which according to my friend I never was. He admits I was good at the sport, but I was never the Macho athlete type. Go figure. He isn't comfortable calling me Katie. But not because it is a female name. He is equally uncomfortable calling me Keith. We jokingly settled on feminizing Tiny and came up with Tatiana. I roll my eyes but it is better than the alternative.

There has been a change in me too. There is a peace. I feel I can rest in my own self. I also noticed that it is easier to refer to myself as Katie in my self talk. I always guarded myself against that. I even went so far as to tell the other paper carrier about my situation, but the phone call got interrupted by his boss calling him. We will see how that goes, but he didn't hang up in my face or call me an asshole. Maybe life won't be as hard as I expected.

Thanks for bearing with me.

The Real Katie