I noticed that some people have been using FaceApp (I think that's what it is) to come up with a picture that -- I assume -- is the way they wish they looked.

That got me thinking.

On the one hand, I would love to look prettier (and younger!) I've always had this secret wish that people would call me "adorable." (A few years ago, a clerk at a post office referred to me as "princess," and while it was kind of a shock, it also made me feel glad all over.) And I've always had the feeling that being a girl meant that you were special and worth something just for existing (perhaps because my parents made no secret that they'd really counted on having a girl when my mother was pregnant with me, and they kept trying until they got a girl.)

But then a part of me rebels at the idea. For one thing, I grew up being constantly told that I should stop being me and start being this other person who (in their view) was who I was supposed to be (but as it turns out, couldn't be), and I hated it. To this day, anything that smacks of "this is how you have to be" makes me see red. Love me for who I am, or just get the @#$%^ out of my life.

And finally, the gap between fantasy and reality is just too painful. Allowing yourself to dwell too long on what you long for but can never have can kill you. It came close to killing me many a time. A large part of my teenage years were spent telling myself over and over again not to expect anything from the world around me. "Don't look back" is how I phrased it: you're utterly on your own in a world that doesn't care if you live or die, don't even fantasize that something might change your life for the better.

And that's how I've lived my life. Don't even hope for things to turn miraculously better. Only wish for what you can reasonably expect to get by your own efforts. Sour grapes, maybe, and a rather drab existence. But at least I'm still alive, which I didn't always imagine would happen.

I won't begrudge anyone pictures like that if it makes them feel better. But I don't want to even think about doing it myself.