Autobiographical

stressful day

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Well, had a stressful afternoon.

I had to get a sticker so I can park on my street during stadium events, which requires my car registration. and then I discovered that my registration had lapsed in July. Not only that my insurance card was not up to date either.

I was starting to do the beat myself up stuff, but I was able to get a hold of my insurance company and they sent a copy of my updated insurance to the registry office, and with that, I was able to get my registry updated.

Health update & Story help.

Just a quick update on me and me asking you guys to help me find new stories to read that I can get into. My health is improving although I’m still in the hospital, I was in the midst of a very severe Anorexia episode and now I’m improving although it hasn’t come easy. As for the stories I like, it varies. I love Tiffany Shar’s stories, Sue Brown,Torrey,Zoe Taylor, Paula Dillon, Jennifer Sue, Jennifer Brock. I could list at least 20 but I think you guys get the point.

Slow Progress

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It is tough going at the moment. I am still writing, though I seem to keep finding other things that need doing.

Since the original episode, I have been on steroids now for nearly five years. This is making my consultant nervous, so he has decided to do something drastic. Since that time, medical techniques have moved on and there are apparently new ways of dealing with my condition.

Basically, it amounts to chemotherapy.

I am ashamed

I haven't posted in a while because I am ashamed of myself. When my internet went out mid July I thought it was going to be a month or so to get it fixed. My roommate would not hear of using my phone to tether the net to my computer to my phone (in her world the phone is better) I snapped I tried to hurt myself with a fork in what amounts to a temper tantrum. It shocked me to something closer to sanity. I didn't succeed because I was not serous, like I said it was a temper tantrum, pure and simple.

A New Profile Photo

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I do not believe that this really reaches a level that needs to be announced... and it doesn't. But if you have been used to seeing my deceivingly dated profile photo alongside reviews and messages and such, I have decided to correct that deception with something more current.

The photo (a poor selfie) and my makeup were both rushed. It shows way too much of my natural color rising through too.

Still... I am a little more... ahem... "mature" now. In spite of liking my old (younger) photo much better, it was long overdue to "get with the times".

I'm still here

I'm still here.

I haven't given up.

I've managed to not give up.

I'm struggling to not give up.

The thing is, I'm a sucker for routine. If there's a break in routine, it messes me. up. If it's a big enough break, it's that much harder for me to get back into it. back in 2015, I had my the last appointment with my psychiatrist. Their scheduling system was down so I couldn't book my next appointment.

I'm really sorry

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I need to apologize. Until I actually posted my entry in the double dip contest, I hadn't really registered just how short it was. Its basically little more than a drabble. I really hope enough people enter the contest that I wont have to worry about winning with such a tiny piece.

I have another piece I'm working on that might be acceptable for the "music" part of the contest, but no guarantees I'll have it ready before the contest closes.

Again, I'm sorry.

The Family Girl #95: Part Seven now 150,000 Words

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The Family Girl Blogs
(aka "The New Working Girl Blogs")

Blog #95: Part Seven now 150,000 Words. But Stuck…

To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl
Blogs,
click on this link:
http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Hi, everyone!

Still alive. But I’m buried with work…

Festival time

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Well, that is the Shrewsbury festival over for another year; source of so much of my inspiration. Some wonderful music, old friends popping out of the woodwork, and very sore fingertips on my left hand. Last year I played so much and so enthusiastically I snapped a plectrum; this year, I just broke a string on the last evening.

Already planning next year! I will try to remember to print off all my train tickets this time, rather than just the cycle reservations...

went to the dentist today

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So I've been having teeth pain the last couple of days, and finally screwed up my courage and went to a dentist.

Today all I got done was x-rays, so I will have to go back Thursday for the first part of the work that needs done, and chances are it will take 2 visits to get everything accomplished.

So anxiety levels are not going to be lowered for a while, sadly ...

Flirting

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I go to a place called Religious Forums a lot. It has everyone from Atheists to Baptists there, and for some strange reason, two men, one a Buddhist, and the other a Baha'i are attracted to me, apparently because I'm so obsessive and broad in my research. I don't write worth a hoot, but love research.

What a strange feeling to have a man interested. I've already said there will be no sex.

:)

Gwen

heavy smoke here in Edmonton

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Its been very smoky here in Edmonton this week, as fires rage all across BC and the smoke pours over the mountains into Alberta. Should be good writing weather but I ... just havent had as much writing spoons as I would have liked. Still, I have a couple of pieces more or less ready - one for the September contest, and one for the next "mix tape" if it gets accepted. Plus I have one more that is about a quarter done, my Siege of Fiddler's Vale story which is started but kinda stalled, and a few older pieces I hope I can get wrapped up some day. So as the saying goes, stay tuned !

Had a scare on my morning walk

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While out walking the dog this morning, I experienced very sharp, quick, electric shock-type pain from under my left ribs shooting up my chest and down my left arm, twice. I had similar sharp pains for briefer times more localized in my side last night before I went to bed.

Okay then. I'll be 70 on Sunday and at my age, pain in the chest and left arm immediately suggests one thing.

2018-07-29

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It has been almost 5 months but here's the update I promised.

So in 2016 I posted that I got married and would be losing my house.

The easy part first. I had a medical discharge in 2016 with led to me not having enough income to support myself AND my mortgage/renovation costs. Due to that I had to file for personal bankruptcy or give the bank free rain.I chose personal bankruptcy.

Sorry too tired to write tonight.

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It's been a trying week, far too many hours worked though I did learn that I'd passed my university exam so can proceed to the next level - it's like a very expensive computer game at times. Today, Saturday, is the anniversary of my son's death and I drove up to Wales and back, getting on for three hundred miles with a very early start.

I'm gonna need all you guys to help me

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you may or may not remember that a few years ago there was a documentary called "super size me" in which a man decided to eat nothing but Big Mac hamburgers for a year. In the documentary, the man's doctor begs him to stop half-way through the year because of the damage he was doing to his organs.

Well, I am in basically the same situation as that guy.

I have been told in no uncertain terms I have to change my eating habits and my lifestyle, or I wont have either style or life, or at the least I'll be unable to enjoy what life I have.

I dont know how not to fight

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When I was little, I had this rather bad habit of trying to lecture bullies on why it was bad to bully. Of course, that usually resulted in me getting pounded, me running for my life, or my brother trying his best to protect me.

All these years later, I still jump in when I see people getting hurt, even though there is nothing I can do except lecture people from behind my computer, and it has cost me more than I would like.

But I dont know how not to fight for what I think is right.

In Pathfinder terms, I guess I'm a Paladin, whether I want to be or not ...

Birthdays

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Birthdays have always been a bit strange for me. Growing up, it never worked out for people to be available on the actual day, so if I wanted a party, it would always have to happen a couple of days later, to the point I started joking about "unbirthdays" like in the cartoon version of Alice in Wonderland.

Usually the actual day of my birthday was a quiet one spent alone, and this year is no exception.

I dont mind so much now, especially since I do get nice messages online from friends to keep me company.

Oh, if you havent guessed, today is my birthday ...

Kneeling on the Ground Thankful

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Did one of my evening escapes to try to get my lil ole haid to screw on and went to a Red Robin hamburger joint. Things were busy but I sat with my pin and pad trying to work out a story idea. My food came and I had a bit of Hair of the Dog also.

Finishing up, there was one of those computers on the table to pay with. While I was trying to work out how to badger that thing into responding to me, the waitress came up and said that the people across the way had paid my bill. ??? My first response was, "why would they do that"?

Too many things to move to chase down a BCTS piece of weirdness

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All my stories that I post use exactly the same HTML preamble, with just the changes made to the titles.

Every single other one I have posted displays our "Anmar Grakh" 'logo' we use to alert readers. For some reason my latest (#90) does NOT display this on the Story Teasers page and yet DOES display it when you click on the story title and go there.

who taught me to apologize for liking things?

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I was having a conversation with my brother today and was talking about "life without people" which is this fascinating show, and then I apologized for going on about it.

Now, I'm wondering why I was apologizing.

Who taught me that my interests weren't important enough to share?

Sighs ...

Medical good news, with an exception noted

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I had to go downtown today to see my doctor. It turned out to be a fairly good visit.

A large part of that is the fact that I have a new doctor now, one who has had no issues with listening to what I have to say. Considering that I have had, with more doctors than I care into get into details about, bad history due to them NOT listening, she's a miracle.

Code for the bathroom

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Went to go shopping at my local Safeway after my electrolysis today. When I got out of the car, I realized I should have used the bathroom before I left electrolysis. I was wearing a knit white top, a blue print skirt and some light tan sandals. I had my usual make up for electrolysis; mascara and a light pink lipstick. In the electrolysis building they are used to seeing trans folk in the restrooms. At Safeway not so much.

Father's day is kinda weird for me.

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Father's day is always kinda weird for me.

I lost my dad so young I dont remember him, and my stepdad was a horrible abusive person I could never call "dad".

But my mom did her best for me, my brother protected me, and my grandfather gave me a positive role model for men.

Then there is the fact that I am a father, even though I have felt more like a girl than a boy for 90 % of my life, and have finally embraced and integrated that girl into myself and let her become the woman she should have always had been.

Like I said, Father's day is weird for me ...

Oot and aboot...

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Lately I've gotten a bit of contract labor that has me out-of-doors cleaning up around campgrounds and a local boat launch ramp... Where I live is heavy with poison oak and ivy... being out and about doing what I've been doing means I've been all up in the poison oak and ivy! So I'm feeling somewhat good about earning some immediate cash, but I'm also suffering somewhat due to being all up in the poison oak especially. I didn't see any poison ivy but suspect it is there too, so sort of a toss up for days as far as what I'm feeling....

Doing things for myself

Went for an appointment today, with no attendant. I'll be doing this more and more in the future, Still haven't figured out how to dress myself, that comes later. Lately I've been very depressed, to the point of thinking the unthinkable. The reasons I didn't do it a long while back still hold true, I am very aware how much it hurts the people we leave behind.

The story behind “The Best Damn Thing”

First off,
I apologize for placing small snippets of the story; but it’s coming to me in pieces that I want to try and share.

Second,
Thank you for everyone who read my last blog post and responded to it.

Third,
Thank you to everyone who is reading the story in its bit by bit format.

Sam had her grad tonight

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Well, my mom and I went to my daughter Samantha's graduation ceremony tonight, and it was pretty good. Sam is recovering nicely from her surgery, and looked very beautiful in her grad dress.

But, Sharon decided to introduce me to the other parents at our table as "Sam's Dad. He wears women's clothes, but is a good person anyway."

I believe my response showed my level of sophistication and maturity.

I stuck my tongue out at her.

Ah well, it was a good night regardless.

That feeling...

I had that feeling again today.

It’s one I’ve had since fourth grade...or maybe even before that-the one of finding a high point, anywhere and just jump off it.
There are days that I stay indoors and do nothing to just let the voices pass by...they have really good ideas sometimes.

Well, good is relative to the time that the rest of the world seems to be going to Hell.
And I know it’s not...it never “really” is (if you ask people around me)
But I feel it.
And, yes, I hate it.

only realised

I only realised last night that my last news was somewhat innacurate. I did mention that i'm out doing a little ride up in't Dales tomorrow precluding a posting.

But I said there would be one on Wednesday but there won't. Back in January I booked up for a sort of history day trip to Calderdale, which is on Wednesday. So no Wednesday update but there is a possibility I might get online a different day.

In other news -

i'm one and a half chapters into the next Gaby book with an interesting and unexpected turn of events!

I might be getting a makeover Saturday

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when I first started my transition, I went to the Bay (a Canadian version of Walmart, without the low prices, for those who dont know) and got some makeup tips and supplies. Well, its umm ... some years later, and I am going to be doing something like that again, this time with an actual goal in mind - to look as close to pretty as I am capable for a concert, or at least that's my plan.

Dont know if an opportunity will present itself for me to take a photo, but if it does, I'll share it ...

overdoing it, and paying for it

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last couple of days my brother and I have been trying to do yardwork, pulling out the dandelions so then we can trim the grass. Its sad, but my brother who had knee surgery not that long ago, is still on street drug levels of painkillers, and has little or no cartilage in any of his joints, is actually in better shape than I am.

I'm in pain, exhausted but unable to sleep, and its setting off PTSD, dysphoria, and depression.

Sighs ... this too shall pass, I suppose ...

I'm feeling emotionally stressed out and a bit depressed.

Four months ago, I posted a piece that had pretty much everyone who commented upset at what I had written.

I had no issue with their comments, other than that I took the time to put up a bunch of legal info to support my thoughts.

Then another person posted, using the Guest Reader option, and proceeded to be initially mildly rude, then more so and outright abusive.

When I saw the comment, I sent a PM to Erin, asking for it to be unsubbed as it was an outright Rule 1 violation.

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