Autobiographical

Housing Updates

We found a house! Well, specifically, we found an apartment!

We were initially denied due to credit, but we were given insight on how to appeal and told it would likely go through.

We are still at the same hotel, and we are working hard to get on payment plans for a few things and pay off our utility bills, some of which we recently found had never been disconnected as we had requested.

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Concerning Depression

My heart goes out to my fellow trans ladies out there struggling with Depression and thoughts of harm. I have only been 'out' to the world since last Labor Day, having been firmly in the closet since age 7-8. This past holiday season was my worst ever, being shunned by my children and a large part of my relatives.

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I went for a walk this afternoon…….

My day started out very well. The weather was gorgeous - sunny and warm, with just a light breeze blowing; much nicer than February should be in upstate NY. I actually had a reasonably decent night’s sleep the night before, which has not been a given for me since I was a teen and especially moreso over the past few decades.

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a near miss

So last night as I was taking Sharon and Sam home, I almost had a collision with another car.

What makes it worse is I'm pretty sure I was at fault.

Now, nobody was hurt, and no damage done, so you could be forgiven for wanting to call that a good thing.

Not me.

I have always struggled with my focus and concentration, and almost all the problems I have had behind the wheel have to do with that, but today was a good reminder than a lapse in either while driving could have serious consequences.

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dreaming of transitioning as a teen?

Its pretty rare for me to dream of something related to being trans, but it does happen sometimes, and last night was a good example.

in my dream, I somehow got into trouble with a teacher regarding a dress code, which resulted in me being asked to wear a red bra under my shirt, which was white, and anybody could clearly see the bra if they were near me.

Then, one of my classmates asked me to flirt with a boy to distract him from something, and I responded I didn't know how to flirt, but she just told me to try anyway.

Gee, you think this would make a good story?

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Facebook Not Mandatory

For years when my computer booted, 'Facebook' automatically loaded and I used it quite a lot. Recently the owner of that site has been sued for damaging children and had to testify in one of the US Government houses.

A day or so ago my computer would suddenly load without it and it has been quite enjoyable.''

:)

Gwen

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"All I have left is madness"

So last night I had a dream.

In the dream I was in a room with three people.

The shortest of the three, who might have been a dwarf, threatened me with a knife, and I knocked it out of their hand.

Then I went to the other two, and said, "You've made a mistake. you took me because you thought I was a good person. But I'm no longer a good person. All I have left is madness. Now, you will let me go, or I'll kill your friend here and eat him, and make you watch."

I woke up before I got an answer.

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Hiatus

Just got home from hospital. Ten days ago I stepped out to the end of my street to catch a bus, and then my lungs decided not to cooperate. I collapsed, pulled out my phone and made a hash of trying to call an ambulance. Fortunately, another woman stopped to see if I was okay, took over the call and stayed with me till the ambulance had loaded me on board.

That was ten days ago, as noted above. The cause was a large blood clot in my pulmonary artery.

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Family Court (Mediation Now) Update

For all of you who are wondering what's happening now, and want to know what's going on, my In-Laws have filed again, after being denied an emergent hearing for custody. This time the judge is having us all go into pre-trial mediation to see if we can solve this outside of court.

This has nothing to do with the criminal case but is still nerve-wracking, I thought you would all want to keep updated (we are still representing ourselves pro-se, because we have yet to find a lawyer that will help us for less than a $3500 retainer for Family Court).

-Piper

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Brave Enough to Die...Bravely?

...Not Suicidal...
Just embarrassed???

Not feeling too well just now so got in a tub of hot water to soak away the joint pain. With all the ruckus over illegal drugs, I'm not about to try to find something illegal. I tried a light dose Tylenol (Paracetamol) but it did nothing. The hot water just made things worse, so I got out. I am too shy to go to the ED on the week end, and I have an appointment with my Doctor on Wednesday. I'd planned to use a Taxi Wednesday if the Bus seems too much.

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anxiety and memory issues

So all day today I have had memory issues - nothing major, just forgetting my phone, and things like that. Really just minor inconveniences.

But then as I was driving home from helping Sharon and Sam get a few things from the mall, all of a sudden my anxiety went through the roof and I had to take some deep breaths to try and calm down.

Are those two things related? I don't know for sure, but they might be.

Can I do anything? Only what I did, which was to try and ground myself.

ah, well.

hugs appreciated

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Stop Writing ???

I've been increasingly suffering the effects of what I had feared is ALS. Now the self diagnosis seems to be more appropriately 'Ataxia', which is not a disease but merely is the description of a group of symptoms from injuries suffered in a full life of many falls that often included head injuries. As usual Doctors have shown to be almost useless and secretive.

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On Homelessness, Prosecution, and Family Law...

So fair warning, this may be hard to read. You've been warned.

So, Hey everyone. Last time I posted a blog I told you that Aimee and I and our lil ninja were homeless and working with an agency.

for the record, that agency is DYFS/DCP&P/CPS or whatever they are called these days.

They are still paying for our hotel and helping us try to find more permanent lodging, but that has been hindered by a few facts that I alluded to but didn't directly mention.

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Working As An Escort

Out for a walk in a rare break in the rain, I was approached by a male that was approximately my age or older perhaps. We had a short conversation about the route of the new walking path we were on, him wanting to know if it went downtown. As it turned out, I knew it did and shared the information. He then departed, him continuing along the way that he had previously been going.

As I walked along, I began to muse about what it would have been like had he been attracted to me? I was not attracted to him but did not feel fearful either.

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had a frustrating day with Sharon

Well, I spent 7 hours trying to help Sharon get medical treatment for her hand, which was swollen and apparently painful.

Rather than go to her own doctor, she insisted on going to an emergency room instead.

Well, they are called "emergency rooms" for a reason - they treat the most critical cases first.

So after 7 hours, she gave up and wanted to be taken home.

Any suggestions we gave to help were dismissed, and it seems that she has given up on getting help from doctors, and will go back to prayer and faith healing.

ah, well.

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Gender dysphoria and suicide……..

Yesterday I read a story posted here by Emma Anne Tate, For Us, the Living. Like all of her work, as well as the work of many others on this site, it had me crying. But more importantly, it had me reflecting on my life, my family, and the lives of others.

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small victories

So, about a week and a half ago, mom and I switched internet providers, and then after the technician had done the set-up, we realized he had forgotten to set up my mom's computer.

This led to me spending the better part of 2 days trying to get help to set things up by phone.

But today, I asked someone at a store belonging to the provider, and he showed me what I needed to do - there was a password on the bottom of the tower I needed to put in.

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Dreams Collide With Existence

Years ago, about 20 of them, I had what I called lucid dreams in which I was flying, and could control where I went. Psychological people said that I was trying to escape something. My then spouse got really mad at me when I told her about them. Now, I see that I was trying to escape from her abuse of me. We were married 38 years because I kept trying to make it work. In the latter years she was a "dry alcoholic", refusing to go to AA.

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why would I apologize for crying ?

So among my nightmares and flashbacks over the last couple of days, I had a dream where I was sitting with a woman, and for whatever reason my abuse came up, and I started crying.

But as I started crying I also began to apologise for losing it like that.

Now this was just a dream, but the fact is I usually apologise if I start crying, regardless of the cause of my tears.

I am not exactly sure why, it might be the "boys don't cry" thing, but something tells me its something deeper.

I might have to do a deep dive into my memories to find out, which scares me.

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