Autobiographical

I dont know how not to fight

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When I was little, I had this rather bad habit of trying to lecture bullies on why it was bad to bully. Of course, that usually resulted in me getting pounded, me running for my life, or my brother trying his best to protect me.

All these years later, I still jump in when I see people getting hurt, even though there is nothing I can do except lecture people from behind my computer, and it has cost me more than I would like.

But I dont know how not to fight for what I think is right.

In Pathfinder terms, I guess I'm a Paladin, whether I want to be or not ...

Birthdays

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Birthdays have always been a bit strange for me. Growing up, it never worked out for people to be available on the actual day, so if I wanted a party, it would always have to happen a couple of days later, to the point I started joking about "unbirthdays" like in the cartoon version of Alice in Wonderland.

Usually the actual day of my birthday was a quiet one spent alone, and this year is no exception.

I dont mind so much now, especially since I do get nice messages online from friends to keep me company.

Oh, if you havent guessed, today is my birthday ...

Kneeling on the Ground Thankful

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Did one of my evening escapes to try to get my lil ole haid to screw on and went to a Red Robin hamburger joint. Things were busy but I sat with my pin and pad trying to work out a story idea. My food came and I had a bit of Hair of the Dog also.

Finishing up, there was one of those computers on the table to pay with. While I was trying to work out how to badger that thing into responding to me, the waitress came up and said that the people across the way had paid my bill. ??? My first response was, "why would they do that"?

Too many things to move to chase down a BCTS piece of weirdness

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All my stories that I post use exactly the same HTML preamble, with just the changes made to the titles.

Every single other one I have posted displays our "Anmar Grakh" 'logo' we use to alert readers. For some reason my latest (#90) does NOT display this on the Story Teasers page and yet DOES display it when you click on the story title and go there.

who taught me to apologize for liking things?

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I was having a conversation with my brother today and was talking about "life without people" which is this fascinating show, and then I apologized for going on about it.

Now, I'm wondering why I was apologizing.

Who taught me that my interests weren't important enough to share?

Sighs ...

Medical good news, with an exception noted

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I had to go downtown today to see my doctor. It turned out to be a fairly good visit.

A large part of that is the fact that I have a new doctor now, one who has had no issues with listening to what I have to say. Considering that I have had, with more doctors than I care into get into details about, bad history due to them NOT listening, she's a miracle.

Code for the bathroom

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Went to go shopping at my local Safeway after my electrolysis today. When I got out of the car, I realized I should have used the bathroom before I left electrolysis. I was wearing a knit white top, a blue print skirt and some light tan sandals. I had my usual make up for electrolysis; mascara and a light pink lipstick. In the electrolysis building they are used to seeing trans folk in the restrooms. At Safeway not so much.

Father's day is kinda weird for me.

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Father's day is always kinda weird for me.

I lost my dad so young I dont remember him, and my stepdad was a horrible abusive person I could never call "dad".

But my mom did her best for me, my brother protected me, and my grandfather gave me a positive role model for men.

Then there is the fact that I am a father, even though I have felt more like a girl than a boy for 90 % of my life, and have finally embraced and integrated that girl into myself and let her become the woman she should have always had been.

Like I said, Father's day is weird for me ...

Oot and aboot...

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Lately I've gotten a bit of contract labor that has me out-of-doors cleaning up around campgrounds and a local boat launch ramp... Where I live is heavy with poison oak and ivy... being out and about doing what I've been doing means I've been all up in the poison oak and ivy! So I'm feeling somewhat good about earning some immediate cash, but I'm also suffering somewhat due to being all up in the poison oak especially. I didn't see any poison ivy but suspect it is there too, so sort of a toss up for days as far as what I'm feeling....

Doing things for myself

Went for an appointment today, with no attendant. I'll be doing this more and more in the future, Still haven't figured out how to dress myself, that comes later. Lately I've been very depressed, to the point of thinking the unthinkable. The reasons I didn't do it a long while back still hold true, I am very aware how much it hurts the people we leave behind.

The story behind “The Best Damn Thing”

First off,
I apologize for placing small snippets of the story; but it’s coming to me in pieces that I want to try and share.

Second,
Thank you for everyone who read my last blog post and responded to it.

Third,
Thank you to everyone who is reading the story in its bit by bit format.

Sam had her grad tonight

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Well, my mom and I went to my daughter Samantha's graduation ceremony tonight, and it was pretty good. Sam is recovering nicely from her surgery, and looked very beautiful in her grad dress.

But, Sharon decided to introduce me to the other parents at our table as "Sam's Dad. He wears women's clothes, but is a good person anyway."

I believe my response showed my level of sophistication and maturity.

I stuck my tongue out at her.

Ah well, it was a good night regardless.

That feeling...

I had that feeling again today.

It’s one I’ve had since fourth grade...or maybe even before that-the one of finding a high point, anywhere and just jump off it.
There are days that I stay indoors and do nothing to just let the voices pass by...they have really good ideas sometimes.

Well, good is relative to the time that the rest of the world seems to be going to Hell.
And I know it’s not...it never “really” is (if you ask people around me)
But I feel it.
And, yes, I hate it.

only realised

I only realised last night that my last news was somewhat innacurate. I did mention that i'm out doing a little ride up in't Dales tomorrow precluding a posting.

But I said there would be one on Wednesday but there won't. Back in January I booked up for a sort of history day trip to Calderdale, which is on Wednesday. So no Wednesday update but there is a possibility I might get online a different day.

In other news -

i'm one and a half chapters into the next Gaby book with an interesting and unexpected turn of events!

I might be getting a makeover Saturday

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when I first started my transition, I went to the Bay (a Canadian version of Walmart, without the low prices, for those who dont know) and got some makeup tips and supplies. Well, its umm ... some years later, and I am going to be doing something like that again, this time with an actual goal in mind - to look as close to pretty as I am capable for a concert, or at least that's my plan.

Dont know if an opportunity will present itself for me to take a photo, but if it does, I'll share it ...

overdoing it, and paying for it

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last couple of days my brother and I have been trying to do yardwork, pulling out the dandelions so then we can trim the grass. Its sad, but my brother who had knee surgery not that long ago, is still on street drug levels of painkillers, and has little or no cartilage in any of his joints, is actually in better shape than I am.

I'm in pain, exhausted but unable to sleep, and its setting off PTSD, dysphoria, and depression.

Sighs ... this too shall pass, I suppose ...

I'm feeling emotionally stressed out and a bit depressed.

Four months ago, I posted a piece that had pretty much everyone who commented upset at what I had written.

I had no issue with their comments, other than that I took the time to put up a bunch of legal info to support my thoughts.

Then another person posted, using the Guest Reader option, and proceeded to be initially mildly rude, then more so and outright abusive.

When I saw the comment, I sent a PM to Erin, asking for it to be unsubbed as it was an outright Rule 1 violation.

Feeling very down today.

and I don't mean hugging my pillow.

I AM NOT PLANNING OR THINKING ABOUT DOING ANYTHING SERIOUS TO MYSELF!

Bear in mind as you read this, if you do read it, that I can be a long-winded bitch.

I think part of it is aging and knowing that I've been here longer than I will be going forward... and I don't feel like I've accomplished anything for having existed... except existing.

The Lynx (me)

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(caution tag just because...)

Alright, so this is my 4th blog post in as many days. Out of character much? Maaaybe.

This account has been active a little over 7 years and all that time has seen 5 blogs by yours truly, including this one. No other writing credits and only the occasional comment to say I've ever existed here at BCTS. Why then am I suddenly chatty? Simply put, why not?

you could have knocked me over with a feather

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okay so yesterday Sharon needed me to drive her to the vet because her cat was having problems. While we were waiting, she starts this conversation about her church, and says she thinks they are a little too quick to pull out judgement.

Then she says she was also guilty of this in dealing with my desire to transition. She said while she doesnt really understand it, or like it, she felt she had been more negative towards me about it than I deserved, and she apologized.

honestly, you could have knocked me over with a feather ...

another day, another PTSD attack

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So not one of my better days yesterday. After dealing with 30 degree Celsius heat, I went to go on the chat site only to be given some error message. After panicking and leaving a message here, i eventually tried the obvious -reboot and log back in, and it worked. With that little problem solved, I decided I needed to go see a movie, and went to Deadpool 2.

Thank God For Friends and Family

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I am extremely fortunate to count Dorthy Coleen and Rebeca Jane,and Arwen of Arwen Arwen's tears as my friends. I have my share of bad dreams, they have been wearing me down in the form of depression, I take it on faith I will recover from my stroke, I don't feel I have any other choice, My phone is my lifeline, Rachael Ann, Long time user of BCTS stepped forward to give me someone to talk to. I feel guilty keeping Rebeca from her writing, as I enjoy it too. But it got me through the night. As did Dot on the BCTS chat room on a particularly bad night.

make of this what you will ...

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Okay, so I've had bad dreams, and sad dreams, and searching dreams, but I dont think I have ever had a dream quite like the dream I had last night.

I was with my brother at a mall, when I suddenly caught a look at my own reflection.

And there was a beautiful woman in the mirror.

I mean she was fantastic looking!

I wasnt sure if I should say something or not, I just kept finding reasons to look for reflective surfaces to try and confirm what I was seeing.

Make of this what you will ...

elated? frustrated?

Just a short missive.

Well it's day one of the kitchen refit, the old stuff is all gone and tomorrow they come to do the stuff which has caused most issue - replacing all my electrical gear - that's a new fuse box and relocating it as well as all the sockets and fitting a bunch of new extras. Once that's done I can start to get stuff into some sort of permanent order again.

got a double boost today

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okay, so anyone following this blog knows the last while has not been very good for me.

Today kinda made up for it.

First, it was a hot day, so I decided to break out a skirt for the first time this year, and while I was out walking the dog, an elderly lady complimented me on my outfit, making me blush.

Then, tonight, I took Sharon and Samantha to a pizza place for supper, and as I got out of the car, Samantha remarked on the skirt, suggesting that I might want shorts under it in case a breeze blew it up, and Sharon agreed.

It's that darn crazy git's birthday again!

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Oh, wait, that darn crazy git is me! Ack!

Well, another year has gone by and I'm still kicking and fighting, not fighting in the physical sense so much as fighting the depression that comes up now and then. I'm not dealing with serious depression at the moment, so I'll take that as a bonus.

Anywho, I'm sitting here staring at the computer screen, I'm officially 52 years old and I want to live a damn lot longer!

I hope everyone else is having a good day today; I'll be heading for bed in a while, I'm starting to wind down now.

Quick Update

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Just a short missive from Yorkshire today. Well on one of the best May BH Sundays ever (sunshine, blue skies, no wind or clouds - unheard of for a UK BH!) i'm pleased to relate that I completed the 2000+m of climbing squeezed into 129 Pennine kilometres in a time of 5hrs 30mins. Not too shabby for an old git and I didn't resort to walking anywhere despite grades in the high teens and low twenties (1 in 4 ish if you are old skool on these things.)

not in a good place

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well, I think I spoke too soon about my depression lifting. I'm in a bad place where the only relief I seem to get from sadness is just being numb.

Worse, my writing has dried up, leaving me without one of my major outlets for dealing with crap.

I'm sorry to have to ask, but all hugs, prayers, or positives about me are appreciated.

some good news about my daughter

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I got some good news about my daughter. I found out that she has been accepted to go to a continuing education program specially set up for handicapped people post grade 12.

They will focus on combining academics with life skills, and it will go for two years.

I'm very proud of her.

News from.......Brandenburg, Germany

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Just a quick note or two.

Well my best laid plans have fallen by the way side as my internet access so far this trip has been sketchy at best and non existent most of the time.

Anyhow, we've had a great trip so far, a mostly mill pond North Sea crossing and wall to wall blue skies and sunshine ever since. Gab has. Been enjoying herself with visits to Hameln of rat fame and the windmill museum up at Luneberg Heide. Maybe the other windmill visits were a bit more 'if we must' but we've some great stuff planned for the way back.

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