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I thought that I had posted "Butch" already, but when I read D. Eden's review of "Solicitation II" I checked my story list and put that right today.
Her review said: "I think we all try so very hard to be that which we are not. We go to great lengths to prove that we are something which isn’t real, isn’t true. I know I did. I spent the better part of my life trying to convince myself that I was a man, trying to be that which the rest of the world told me I was - even if it wasn’t true ... It took me five decades to face the truth, but I am a much better person now than I ever was before ...I never struck out at anyone else because of who I was, but I spent a lot of my life trying to be a man. I did everything I could to be more man than those around me ... If only I had admitted to myself what I knew to be true even as a child."
My response headed "Lashing Out"
"So well said ... what came out of that is something of my own experience, which is the ultra masculine response to dysphoria. ["Butch"] is a story about me, I suppose. It is lashing out and inviting a violent death as a proper end to the life of a man."
D. Eden and I both served, and I think there is something about being ordered to "man up" daily but also that element of possible self-destruction.
Thoughts
Maryanne
Comments
I picked a fight once to feel manly
but that 3-week old kitten kicked my ass. As she swaggered off leaving me there a whimpering mass of scratches I heard her mewl, "Who's the pussy now, Bitch?!"
It was humiliating, but ultimately I was grateful. It saved me from any more ludicrous attempts to prove I was something I wasn't; and the cat and I were soon the best of girlfriends. Then she introduced me to her brother Tom, but that's a different story...
But seriously BUTCH was pretty good; emotionally honest, which I saw since I read this blog first; with some moments of raw truthful brilliance. And I'll leave what I hope will be a worthwhile comment.
But here's a challenge for you Maryanne: Try writing a story about how someone like Belle could come to abandon the false socially-accepted violent "butch" persona and learn to accept the woman she was in her heart WITHOUT the deux ex machina of a loving trans-friendly benefactor billionaire Bruce Wayne. (Note to self: steal parts of BUTCH for trans-Batgirl story)
I'm not sure I would know where to begin such a change in a story (maybe in that same hospital bed?). It would be daunting, for both your character and you as the writer. She would have to learn to be strong and brave in the ways women can be; and maybe (GASP!) reach out for professional help; but it's something that really has happened with transwomen who attempted to end it all to make the pain go away, but ended up living, and eventually flourishing.
Which doesn't mean she's not feminine; and there's no reason she couldn't also have the patented Maryanne Peters fairy-tale wedding and happily ever after; but getting there would take some effort and meaningful rethinking of who she is on her part instead of having it all just happen to her. Like I say, I couldn't write it; but from what you describe above, even if you're not living as her you've got enough cognitive and emotional autobiographical stuff you can draw on to at least give it a go.
~hugs, Veronica (now Mrs. Tom and happily expecting my first litter!)
And remember...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifLqzLEB3E0
Superheroes
Actually, while I usually avoid pop-culture and definitely things supernatural, at the urging of Erin, I have written a superhero story with a feminized sidekick - watch for "Endomon and the Bug"
Do you think that I could get a patent on my happy endings? I am more inclined to leave it to the public domain - the more the merrier.
Maryanne
Cultural Masculinity
It all depends on ones willingness to lie to ones' self.
I was stubborn and refused to go beyond a certain level of masculinity.
I was fortunate my parents were not the kind to beat me at any sign of my desire for femininity (finding clothes stashes etc)
but my mother made it clear what here expectations were as her oft quoted "men shed blood, never tears" aphorism.
For a kid who grew up in the 70s there were few visible trans people but lots of anti-trans writings in the 621.XXX section of the library.
Canary Conn gave me a glimpse of what a transwomen could potentially be, her interview with Merv Griffin was a landmark in my opinion and I got to see part of it live on TV.
Point is, there are ways if one is willing to bide ones' time and don't lie to yourself.
If it means having a plan to hide it from people so be it but take comfort in knowing who you are instead of denying it and it will make the whole charade that much more bearable until you find a way to deal with it.
Interesting topic...
Okay, I was curious... looked up 621. in the Dewey Decimal System and it appears to be Applied Physics. (Maybe it varies, internationally.)
Never mind.
Tempted to go with a Tropic Thunder meme of “You went full macho... never go full macho.”
Sugar and Spiiice – TG Fiction by Bryony Marsh
Currently
Not restricted to 306.766 DDS Social Science...... sexual orientation; gender identity......
Love, Andrea Lena
621
My apologies, I think I have misremembered.
Yes, 621 is the tech section as my other love was electronics so that stuck in my mind too.
The correct section was probably like 301 so again my apologies.
For context this was from 1970s to 1980s, have not kept track of it after about 1987.
I had the luck of growing up in a big city with good libraries so they were available.
If one grew up Smallville, USA, I think it is highly unlikely there would be much on the subject.
Let's say a lot if not the vast majority of books on the subject were unflattering as the older folks here know.
"Isn't It A Bit Like Now".
I spent more than 50 years of my life trying to do the same. Had a stepfather that threatened to kill me if I did not act like a man. Was married for 38 years, was an Army MP, did some very dangerous Electrical work, the men drug me off hunting with a 30:06 so I could kill an Elk and later a Deer. The Psychology of it was I was lying to myself. Recently found out that I am Intersex and was never fully male, 50/50 I'd say, or perhaps way more female than male? Been living as a post operative woman for 16 years.
Ahh, macho…
Let us reflect a moment on the difference between Macho and Machismo.
Machismo is. You cannot cultivate it or adopt it. You have it or you don’t.
Macho isn’t real. You fake it for one reason or another. The more macho the more fake. It is always a lie. (Even for the GM (genetic male) amongst us.)
BAK 0.25tspgirl
Gm/gg
Genetic male (gm) is the same concept as Genetic girl (gg). Perhaps I should say genetic boy (gb)?
BAK 0.25tspgirl
Technical term
There is an actual name for this: the flight into hypermasculinity.
Did it. Been there, wove the T-shirt myself with fibres ripped by my own teeth from the underbellies of tigers, designs printed in ink made from my own blood.
Didn't work.
MACHOs
MACHOs are MAssive Compact Halo Objects in astronomy, along with Weakly Interactive Massive Particles (WIMPs) and Robust Associations of Massive Baryonic Objects (RAMBOs).
-- Daphne Xu
MACHOS are delicious!
I mean the kind you bake at home in a casserole dish with real cheese, fresh salsa + carnitas. Not the 7-11 kind you pump that weird florescent orange petroleum goop onto. Those are hideous...
~hugs, Veronica
And remember...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifLqzLEB3E0