Hi Edeyn,

Don’t feel alone.

There was a time when I slept with my firearm without a chambered round and with the safety on because I was known to have such vivid dreams that in my sleep I would rack the action (thus chambering a round) and remove the safety. I never seemed to get so far as to pull the trigger at the monsters that were so vividly pursuing me in my dreams but...... Close.

I still sleep with my firearm’s chamber empty and the safety on.

Apparently those whose dreams are most vivid and thus who have creative imaginations as well as traumatic past event history are subject to these unscheduled events which may occur awake or asleep. ( at least it never seemed to make much difference to me) However, my doctor assured me that more collide with their panic state while asleep than while awake and thus we tend to have difficulty with that necessary (evil) sleep.

It took me a while to learn that my panic sleeping attacks were more likely to occur if I ate my last meal late and if I slept in certain positions. I think it is a security thing. For me sleeping on my side is better because I may move myself to action, thus removing myself from the area of my panic, faster when sleeping on my side than if I was asleep on my back (which required me to spend extra time turning in order to get up). I have found myself awakening at a location as far as two rooms away from where I went to sleep, firearm in hand and apparently listening for the source of whatever it was that caused me to get up in a panic. I seldom know why other that a particularly detailed and/or vicious dream.

Possibly some outside sound or flash of momentary light entering the room through the closed and curtained window may have caused it. Who knows.

The dreams have slowly over the years subsided to a degree with, more lately, me finding myself still in bed although having awakened myself screaming. Not much fun for anyone around me. Some of my dreams take me back to events long past and one in particular was quite vicious until I was finally, with my doctor’s help, able to turn it around by making it into a comedy. I may still awaken but now I can go back to sleep. I still dream of myself walking into the event with both eyes open and unsuspecting but I now also dream a second me into the dream. The second me is pulling and pushing to try to stop the first me from approaching the event which caused me harm and thus became the source for one of my multitude of panics. (Yes, I have more than one but some are simply heart pounding while others have me wondering if I will live to wake up).

It takes a lot of effort and years of relearning that ‘peace’ is possible, even if it is to a limited degree. I at my peak slept less than two hours a night and now am able to achieve five or even six. Ain’t paranoia grand?

Rénae