About four years ago I suddenly realized that I am female, even if my body disagrees.

The decades before I just thought I was a little different than the other boys, more sensitive, emotional, softer.
More empathetic, I was told that I'm a good listener.

I never got his competitiveness, "I'm better/stronger/more whatever than you" which was going on between the other boys.

Fortunately I grew up in a very caring and (positively) sheltered environment, in a loving family without any real conflicts. (At least I don't remember any.)
It was very easy to just live day by day in my own dream/fairy tale world and let only these parts of the "real world" into it to function without problems.
I learned to read very early, probably with my older siblings, and in nursery school I was often sitting in the corner reading a book instead of playing with the other children.

I seem to have a talent for everything logical, so with all my reading I never had problems with grammar and mathematics.
That way I managed to get through the first years of school without having to really work for anything and just continued to dream my fairy tales.
Gender didn't matter, it seems I always reversed the traditional roles, dreaming about some princess on the white horse finding "poor me"...

At fifteen when puberty started there was a moment when I was looking at a classmate and thought "Wow, that girl looks like a woman!" I thought I had a real crush on her and couldn't understand why she didn't want to be my girlfriend.
For many months I was walking around in a daze, thinking about many unrealistic ways to get her attention like falling down on a bike tour with the class or jumping out of the window. Fortunately I was not brave enough... ;)

Looking back I realize that she was very similar to my then still unconscious self-perception, the same with the few other girls I found interesting over the time. I only had a girlfriend for a few weeks in my late twenties, but even that time was very confusing because something wasn't right.

I never had any sex drive, so one more possible conflict was missing to help me find myself earlier. I had to start shaving at 21.

College was a continuation school, living in my self created niche of day dreams mixed with just enough real world to get through without real working for something.

After graduation I started working at a big IT company, doing PC server projects traveling from customer to customer. Even then it was very easy to just live week for week, work the day, come home in the evening and let the TV drive away any deep thoughts.
More then ten years later I switched to an office based job and suddenly had time to think. After a few months I felt like I was just in the middle on the scale between male and female, only to realize a few weeks later that I'm really much more on the female side. It takes more and more energy to continue to play the male role.

From time to time when I walk past a mirror I get a glimpse of a woman, but when I look there I just see my male self.

Now that I know who I am it is still just a feeling inside myself. I don't care about labels, I don't really connect my male name with my gender, it is just something for others to be able to address me with a name.

Some body parts don't feel right and I have to try to correct that, (small) step by step.

Four weeks ago I started electrology to get rid of my beard, it already helps to recognize my face a little bit more in the mirror.

Ten days ago I was listening to one of my three friends about some of his challenging relationships ;) and there was the possibility to come out to him. His reaction was a few seconds of deep thoughts and then a "well, that explains many small things." I haven't been seen a doctor for many years, one of his friends is an open-minded family doctor.

End of January I have an appointment with an endocrinologist to find out my "medical starting point", to check my hormonal levels and also look for a possible medical/genetical background.

M - I am I