Sunday, January 5th, This is the last day for me to write to you mrs. Diary, don't be sad, you helped me a lot. I just know that since my aunt won't be making me and I'll be back to normal that I probably won't keep up. Well lets see all that happened since yesterday that I haven't told you about.
Okay Vince did come over last night. I told him again how much I liked seeing him wrestle and how proud I was that he won. He thanked me and said it was easy with a beautiful girl in the stands. I told him that on Monday that the girl wouldn't exist, he said I was still beautiful, it made me blush but also made me kind of sad that this was ending. Isn't that silly, at first I didn't even want to do it and was like hell no, now I am sad that its going to stop. I can't wait until my thinking goes back to normal.
Well Vince taught me some wrestling moves, in case I need to protect myself. He taught me a fireman's carry and a high crotch. When he said high crotch I thought he was trying to get fresh, but he promised me that it was really what the move was called. He also taught me a half nelson and a cross face. He didn't do them hard to me, but he told me that they could really hurt. Then we did wrestle against each other, and I won. I know he let me beet him, that is so sweet of him, isn't it? I hope that on Monday that we are still friends.
He asked me if I wanted to stay a girl. I asked him why he asked. He said because I seem to be really happy. I told him school started Monday and I had to be back to normal. He just said okay. I meen if I was reely a girl it wouldn't be so bad, but I'm not, so it's kind of wrong, isn't it? Anyway, Vince stayed like an hour and a half then had to go home. I gave him a kiss good bye. I meen after all he did teach me all the wrestling stuff and he is so nice and cute. YUCK I better get that thinking out of my head or I'm going to get a butt kicking tomorrow.
Okay this morning I woke up, I had another dream. My dad was hitting me for being a big pansy faggot. But Vince came in and beat him up and said leave her alone she is happy. Why do I keep having these dreams? Am I going mental? Well I guess its okay to admit it but me and Vince did more then just kiss. I meen in the dream. I woke up and I was like ICK but I was also like wondering why I would dream about gay things. But is it gay if I'm a girl in the dream.
I don't know, I sware I am going nuts and need to get back to pants and t-shirts. It's a good thing I didn't agree to be a girl during summer break, it would never end and who know what crazy things I would be thinking if this went on longer. I mean I am doing a lot of things I shouldn't be doing, right?
Okay mom and I got dressed and went to church. This is where things got bad, I think. I wore a white floral dress and tights. But when I was in church, I thought, what would God say if he saw me pretending to be something he didn't make me. I got really worried that something would happen and mom noticed. I told her about what was bothering me. She said God was love and that he would love me no matter what I did or how I behaved. She said if I loved him, he would love me back no matter what.
I said what if I did something really bad, like kill someone. She said if I really loved God, I wouldn't do something like that. I then said, but isnt dressing like this kind of like lyinig. She said, not if that's what you really are on the inside. I didn't say nothing else. What else could I say.
If that is what I am on the inside. I didn't know what she really meant. Am I a fruitcake on the inside, like Glenn and Paul and Alexis. I don't believe that they are going to hell because they are gay, Mom said people who think that way really don't know God's word.
Then I thought, maybe she meant if I was a girl inside. But that is impossible, right? I mean you are either boy inside and out or girl inside and out. You can't be one and another at the same time, that doesn't make sense. I mean can someone be a girl inside and a boy outside? I don't think so. It's too confusing.
Well afterwards we went out for brunch. The waiter treated us real nice. It is amazing that as a girl people treat me nicer and I think I know why. For some reason I am nicer back. That makes no sense as to why it would work that way, but I notice I say please and thank you a lot more. Since I used to never say it when I am myself. But I just noticed that. I said can we please have a table for 2. And the guy said certainly, follow me. And I said thank you. Usually I don't say please and usually I say show the way and not thank you.
Anyways brunch is really a great meal. It's lunch stuff and breakfast stuff and you eat till your pants explode, if you are wearing pants that is. I also notice I didn't gorge myself and am more neater when I eat. Why is everything changing because of clothes, this is so stupid.
After brunch I went to Sam's. I wanted to spend one last time being with her as Tammy. We didn't do nothing or get undressed or kiss. We just talked. I like talking to sam more then all those other things. I never talk to people like the way I've been doing lately. It's really cool to get to know the real person and not just be like some kind of animal and just do pranks and tell jokes. Sam says I am one of her better girl friends. I really wish she would stop saying stuff like that, I'm confused enough. She said we will still be friends and who knows what will happen. It's like people are expecting me to magically turn into a real girl, don't they know that that stuff doesn't happen. Well except on one of the web places I visited, but that was all made up stories.
Well I spent a good 2 hours just talking to Sam, I wasn't even bored for a second isn't that amazing. We just chatted, no playing games or nothing. Just sitting down like two civilized people and chatted about our feelings. Isn't that sickening, it wasn't but shouldn't I find it that way. I hope we still talk like this once in awhile after I am back to normal.
Here is the thing, I'm not woried about Sam not wanting to talk, but me. I'm afraid I will put on pants and go back to being my old nasty self and lose every little thing that I have learned. I hate to say this, but I like the way I am now. Not all the fruitcake stuff, but being nice and learning about people.
I went home and helped mom make dinner. We had lasagna and it came out so good. My aunt Jan came over and complemented me on how well I have done. I know she meant more then just on dinner. She said in private, see that wasn't so hard. But, now I am afraid it will be hard to go back to what I was, I don't even know if I want to. Well being normal is what I'm suppose to do. Right?
It's time to go to bed and mom said I could be in regular pj's. I think I will just wear the wrestling t-shirt. I mean that is a guys t-shirt. It's been real nice telling you all my secrets and stuff mrs. Diary. You really help get it all out. I think I will miss you the most out of this whole thing, but like I said, once I go back to normal I probably won't even look at you. So, I guess this is the end. Kiss Kiss.
|