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Thoughts and Dreams and Hopes
"Crying is all right in its own way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later,
and then you still have to decide what to do." - C.S. Lewis
a blog by Andrea DiMaggio
As some of you already know, today was an extremely challenging and sad day for me. 100 years ago tomorrow, my father was born in a village just outside Palermo. To commemorate the day, my older brother purchased a gravestone and both he and my younger brother and I and our respective families went to the grave site. Neither brother knows anything about the sexual abuse my father inflicted upon my sister and me, although they know about what our uncle did to us. Both brothers have their own issues along with me regarding the physical and verbal abuse all four kids went through.
Seeing his gravestone for the first time hurt; having to keep the truth inside while seeing the inscription, 'Beloved Father and Husband' was very so very hard. I haven't yet had the time to cry. I don't hate my father; I forgave him a long time ago before his passing for what I knew then, and I count it to my benefit even after the painful memories that came to mind only in the past several years. I can't even say I don't love him. I love my mother even though she molested me. That attachment from a child to a mother? But I can also say, regardless of anyone's interpretation of any sacred book, that I will never be able to respect a man who hurt his family in the manner that he did.
My older brother is a quiet, almost reserved man. He received beatings when he was young that no child should endure. My younger brother witnessed enough of this to learn to keep his emotions so in check as to develop an ulcer and other physical ailments. My sister bore the brunt of my father's rage and the other horrible things he inflicted on her; so much so that her behavior was self-destructive for most of her life beginning with two suicide attempts when she was in high school.
My part with my father is chronicled elsewhere, and need not be repeated other than that I had good reason to struggle with memories and such this past week. But in all of this, I survived the day. I didn't need for my brothers to understand my silence or even my withdrawal at times during the afternoon. My wife certainly understood. My thanks to the many who have been supporting me and were praying and thinking about me this afternoon.
I heard a few folks say once or twice that you can't receive blessings if you have it in your heart to hold onto bitterness and unforgiveness. I had some folks encourage me to not go; some to make an excuse regarding my or my wife's health. Someone suggested that I tell them in general terms why I couldn't really celebrate? But the best support I received came from those who said to me, 'I'll be thinking about you.' To everyone...Thanks for holding me up. Andrea
Comments
You Are So Strong
I don't ever want to 'know' what you've gone through. Your words, the outpouring of your soul are enough to make me understand that you've gone through things that I can't even imagine. The abuse I went through pales compared to what you must have experienced. My parents passed away in the last five years. There was no question that they loved me; however, the fact that I could not live up to their expectations and demands led to pressures that I never understood until many years later. I felt familial love when they passed away, but I never shed a tear. Fortunately, they've been cremated and their ashes spread in areas they were fond of. There will be no marker. Nor will there be one at my passing. Unfortunately, I was probably a not much better parent for my children. These things perpetuate. One cannot go back and make the fixes needed. At least I couldn't.
Portia
One misunderstood thing about forgiveness...
...is that people believe to forgive means treating the offender as if the offense never even happened.
I have been wounded by people who have told me I have a "forgiveness problem" if their offense to me changes our relationship, if it has consequences, in other words. They feel if I forgive them, then there should be no consequences to their behavior. Religious folks often abuse forgiveness in that manner.
I see forgiveness this way. If I forgive someone, then I am not seeking revenge, or holding resentment in me (which, by the way, hurts me so much more than the offender) for the offensive act. BUT, forgiveness does NOT mean automatic renewal of status, or mend our relationship, or renew trust. If I own a store and catch my cashier dipping in the till, I can choose not to sue her (that would be a measure of forgiveness), but I am in no way obligated to keep her as my employee. That's a really imperfect analogy, but the only one I could think of at the moment.
You have chosen not to blow up the headstone or take out a full page paper advert to denigrate your father. You're not seeking revenge. That is a measure of forgiveness to me. In no way are you obligated to hold him in a place of honor in your heart or life. That is a consequence of his behavior. As far as consequences go, he got off easy in my opinion. Thank you for sharing - **Sigh**
Sighs are the natural language of the heart.
-Thomas Shadwell
my prayers are with you sis
To be able to be part of that moment at all, shows such bravery and strength.
Hugs.
If you have nothing helpful to say
then don't say it.
I'll confine myself to "Thinking of you."
S.
BSG
Dear Heart you are so full of courage and compassion I could never forgive as you do and so would never attain the victory you hold, the soft understanding you so generously share and nor would I have retained the humour that is your spark my brave, strong girl x k-jo
I was lying down minding my own business when life came by and drove right over me