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I am not happy with what happened today, no I am not happy at all. I feel as if I am a fraud or a hypocrite.
With that opening line, maybe some information would be helpful.
I am having my house worked on. It really is a simple job that I thought should get done. The ceiling in the first room of my house is 50 shades of ugly. One section fell down six months ago and the guy who put up the drywall never did any finishing work. Other areas were beginning to sag, you could tell where things were patched, you could see the screws were I did emergency repairs (the reason the first section fell was because when I added insulation I didn't know the drywall was just up there and not anchored into the beams).
Anyway, I hired this guy, Joe (really is his name) to do the work for me. He was supposed to come in the beginning of the week but didn't make it until yesterday and today (he called in advance to know of the change in plans, he didn't just decided to show up 5 days late). So Joe shows up this morning like he said he was going to and I was home from work and then I realized "Hey, I have to go to church."
You wouldn't think that was such a big idea, except for the fact that I never bothered to tell Joe I was trans and introduced myself to him by my birth name and pretty much wore my slumming around clothes around him. So now I had a dilemma on my hand. My original idea was to go out in my slumming around clothes and slip my dress on down the road somewhere. My second idea was to sneak out the back door. I was embarrassed to be who I was and that really bothers me. It gets me thinking that if I'm embarrassed, maybe I shouldn't be on this journey in the first place. It even bothers me that it bothers me.
What am I ashamed of?
I think I need to reevaluate my life and decide if I'm going to continue. The problem is, I have someone in my life who I am head over heals in love with and it's not fair to them if I'm not sure who I am.
I wish life got easier instead of harder.
In the end I decided to dress for church and leave. No hiding, no tricks, no nothing. But still, I was embarrassed to be me and I don't want to live that way.
Comments
You Are Not Doing Anything Wrong
Katie you are not doing anything wrong - says the expert, putting his nose in where it probably doesn't belong. These doubts you have are healthy. They're testing your commitment, which has to be a good thing. Of course you feel shame. Of course you feel embarrassment. It'd be weird if you didn't.
As for the person you love, fairness doesn't come into it. You either happen or you don't. No amount of soul searching is going to change that. If the opportunity's there, grab it.
It's a hard knock life ...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0bOH8ABpco
I think I have the easiest life on the planet for a T girl, still, when you are least expecting it, the bastards get you. In my case it is family and they know how to get you in spots I didn't even know I had.
I live absolutely full time, I don't have any guy clothes at all, and all my docs say F. I can't imagine the stress of doing the switcheroo all day long. And in spite of all that, I still wonder what the hell I'm doing sometimes. I still do my best to warn folks off from traveling this road, and at times it feels like I'm the flag guy on a Carrier and the air-dale is coming in with a bomb dangling from his undercarriage.
For me, I have absolute acceptance within my church and out in the city. Still when you get your guard down, it still hurts like I got duffed with a broom handle.
So, if you have any doubts about this life, then just read the stories, write a few and smile.
G
It's Annie
I love Annie BTW, so thank you.
Katie Leone (Katie-Leone.com)
Writing is what you do when you put pen to paper, being an author is what you do when you bring words to life
annie
I love it so much I bought it on blu-ray. You are during the right thing just look at Felix and how you love each other. We all have a hard process to go through and I have experienced similar feelings but you need to be who you feel you are on the inside.
Hugs,
Jenna From FL
Moderator/Editor
TopShelf BigCloset
It is a long road ahead but I will finally become who I should be.
We all ...
Katie darling,
We all have to address these problems in our own particular ways. Gwen is right, the road is hard but if we can find help and/or friendship and/or acceptance in any small degree then that support is invaluable.
I am currently mentoring a newcomer, (Yes, I do have a more reserved and compassionate side that helps my fellow sisters,) to our group who like several of the others, just considers herself to be a transvestite though she want's to live full time.
We start by taking her out clubbing at night and taking her to parties organised by local support groups. Then we take her to barbecues during weekends. Next month she starts shopping on her own (IF SHE THINKS SHE'S READY!) So far we have got her to the stage of going out in daylight with support and handling the stares. Her first expression on going out for the first time was finding out that only a very few people were offensive and nobody was abusive or aggressive. She was delighted by the general reception she got in the shopping malls and her treatment in the fashion shops.
Believe me Katie if you are honest to yourself, YOU CANNOT BE A FRAUD! I have no idea how far 'out' you are to your various acquaintances but you can only go at your own pace as your needs dictate and yes, there will be hurts along the way.
Be strong, you are not a fraud, and you are doing nothing wrong.
Bevs.
X
PS This is the girl I have been mentoring and this picture is on facebook.
We went shopping in Bristol like this and it gave her tremendous courage to be 'read' and yet treated respectfully in shops, pubs and restaurants without being abused or threatened.
Be brave,
Beverly.
Katie, be yourself. Why let
others dictate who you are or how you feel about yourself. I just wish that you had the self confidence that you need.
May Your Light Forever Shine
You were embarrassed because...
You were embarrassed not to be you, but because you weren't you when you introduced yourself to him. The solution is to simply tell Joe that you're trans and in the process of transitioning and in the future, introduce yourself as Katie to everyone you meet. Katie is who you are and using your birth name is what is embarrassing.
Hugs
Patricia
Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.
Semper in femineo gerunt
those kind of struggles are common
I struggle sometimes, and lots of people here do as well hon. Remember that you're fighting a expectation that was forced into you that admitting to being a woman would be wrong, dressing as a woman would be wrong, all this stuff society has shoved into you until you believe it yourself, Stockholm style.
Keep at it, and it will get better.