The Daemons have returned.

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I owe my life greatly to several people here on BCTS who were strong and obstinate enough to call me on my shit years ago when I was an "endangered species".

For the last 2 1/2 years, life has been pleasant in ways that were never experienced in the entirety of my previous life. I finally became empowered woman, though lost my Hijab. At times I still miss it greatly.

I never sought life in a special society just for Trans folk, I insisted on a normal life as a normal woman in normal society, so for me most of life since January 2005 has been about striving to learn to become a woman in speech, mannerisms, deportment and appearance. Much to my utter astonishment I seem to have arrived, yet I am still my own worst critic. And recently I can see that certain of my actions have been consummately self destructive. Can it be that the tormentor daemons from my past have returned?

Much to my horror, certain people I have encountered at my church and my university, and at the local medical school, want to see my life as a crusade for GBLT rights. I do not feel strong enough to be social warrior. Criticism from Bigots is so wounding, I feel without strength to bear it. I feel the best way to seek change in culture is to live a happy life, not drawing attention to ourselves.

A return to the modesty and seclusion of the Islam that I practiced seems ever more appealing to me.

G

Comments

I don't think so

Gwen, what you tell us has more to say about them than it does about you. These people have their own motives, their own agenda, and they are attempting to use you.

This is not your problem, it is theirs.

However, to avoid distress to yourself you'll have to do one of several things: accept them, ignore them or run away. Your stance makes it unlikely that you will accept them and I don't think running away serves any useful purpose. Yes, Islam looks to be peaceful to you but you know as well as I do that there are as many divisions in Islam as there are in any other religion and just as many with axes to grind.

All you can do is tell them firmly, politely, that you are not interested and walk away. To deliberately intrude into another person's life for selfish ends is not what either Christianity nor Islam teach. If they don't get the message, then choose other friends.

You have friends here, of course. We would never stoop to such levels.

Penny

I choose to live a normal life free from hatred and guile.

What ever the cost, the pain of unwilling transition, of painful lessons, and the joy of finally finding inner peace preclude any suggestion of surrender. All I can do is as I have been doing.

Transition for me was painful because I lacked the courage to be myself, seeing my family as more valuable than my own survival. To live that old life would surely have ended in my death, and I can distinctly remember longing for the children to be grown and married so I could end my life. My X always marched to the sound of her own drummer, working as a Nurse for more than 40 years and increasingly destroying her life in bottles of increasingly strong drink. At the end, she was almost completely absent from home except to arrive home drunk and sleep it off in an UN-affectionate bed.

Whether by unholy means or genetic predisposition, I know not, but life as a woman is now wholly agreeable to me, and utterly despicable to family. I have realized that while to the Mormons, families are forever, mine threaten my very existence. As I mentioned before, I may go to the expense of name change, and simply dropping out of sight to them and those who attempt to use me as a stalking horse.

I have nothing but affection for those on BCTS.

Thank you.

Gwendolyn

My Male Wolfe Personality

Was my Hijab, I was able to slink in the shadows and hunt in the dark always keeping out of sight wearing shapeless clothing that camouflaged my body shape hiding who I was from the world, and my self. For me I drove me into a dark corner of my self where I existed denying my self life.

In embracing my self I did not louse who I was I accepted the entirety of my self, I took off my mask and stopped hiding. I still love my running in the world quietly moving with out rippling others paths but I am free to be me. I approach life on my own terms as much as I can. It is not perfect but it works for me. May be you need to cut your self a break and not measure your self on such a harsh ruler. Your a good writer and from every contact I have had with you you have shown your self to be a quality person, the biggest set back I see from the outside looking in is your poor vision of your self.

From the been there did that, school of experience I feel your self image needs a bit of updating. As a women you see your self and your appearance through the cultural eyes of where you are raised. And like other women the standards you are trying to measure up to fit only 1 % or less of the human population. The rest of us just do not make it. But looking at the male population in general they have nothing to judge us over as they fall way short of there inflationary opinion of them selves. My advice is learn to relax and love your self more as you are perfect as you are just the way the Creator made you and they do not make junk.

Love and huggles to a fantastic person
Michele Whitewolf

With those with open eyes the world reads like a book

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Whether by unholy means or

Whether by unholy means or genetic predisposition, I know not, but life as a woman is now wholly agreeable to me

The third word in that sentence may be the real clue to the baggage that seems to be weighing you down, Gwen. I don't know if the urge to transition results from anything in our genetic make-up, but it's a fairly safe bet that it doesn't spring from the devious schemes of some evil supernatural prankster.

You have done two incredibly brave things in your life. You've transitioned, and you've thrown off the shackles of a repressive belief system. Don't toss it all away now.

http://youtu.be/3xP_D0tYoJ4

Don't you break down on me.

Ban nothing. Question everything.

Tread carefully and make sure of your feeling Gwen.

Gwen, I'm afraid you'll have to stand your ground at some point and stop people trying to use you as a stalking horse to address their own agendas.

What you are seeking is stealth and a peaceful life and yet you have a deep need for companionship and acceptance. Looking for acceptance amongst organised groups is placing yourself at the mercy of such groups because they expect all group members to conform to their norms (more or less) and they will instinctively try to achieve that conformity even if it means moving some way towards your norms. If you look for acceptance from a conventional, organised group you are putting yourself in a contradiction because your condition is still rare (transgenderism, and always will be. Consequently, it is almost impossible to conform and precipitate acceptance through that conformity.

You, like the rest of us here on BC, will always be 'different' by the very nature of your gender circumstances and indeed, the only place where you can hope to find a supportive, acceptance with no strings attached is amongst your own. Furthermore, because those differences are as much 'in your head' as anywhere the cerebral connections to your sisters via the internet can be constructive and supportive.

I suspect your need for companionship however is far from cerebral insofar as you want a physical relationship but not necessarily a sexual one although that might work as well if you ever find the right partner.

I'm afraid Gwen that you have a long row to hoe and the only advice I can give is to be wary of organised faiths. They have their place but you must lot allow them to dominate your life for that way lies unhappiness and despair. The situation you described to me can be turned around to your advantage insofar as once you get your message across about your own personal feelings concerning stalking horses, you will reinforce your acceptance through your clear demonstration of your individuality and independence when you choose to indulge it.

Good luck on your journey, I'll always be here for you unless I 'pop-my-clogs' (die.)

Hugs.

Bevs.

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The faith is good.

It is not the church that gives me pain, but the activists within the church. Those activists and I merely differ on our methods. I live a quiet life and don't make waves, proving before them that folk like us can live normal lives as good or better than the "Normals". These folk want to trot me out as a cannon that they fire and then shove into the sea.

I believe I understand entirely,

Wendy Jean's picture

what these do gooders don't get is it is your decision, not theirs. As with money, it is always easier to make other people live up to their ideals.

Funny thing, I am going exactly where you are not wanting to go. I was so miserable during my coming out and for 8 months thereafter, I have a need to help other people going through a similar experience. Then there are the awful stereotypes that make coming out such a painful experience. For over 40 years I thought I was un-natural, a pervert, and carried this bottled inside of me hidden. I now know I am as God made me, but it was hard. It was hard to learn to love myself as I did when I was a small child.

Stand your ground, you are entitled to be happy. If they find someone like me that is my choice, just as your are entitled to make your choices. I suspect every one of us who have had to make that choice have no problems with people who need to go the other path. There is enough unhappiness in the world, you have to do what is right for you.

Wendy

Helping T folk come out.

It is so painful at first that I purposefully act hostile and mean to those who come out hoping that they will come to their senses, and here is why. More than once, I have had depressed and tearful folk come to me and tell me that I told them to do it! Now I would only actually do that to people I really hated.

After they are out for a while, and are somewhat established, I try to be helpful. Then, I make recommendations to T folk. I just had one defecate in my life. I don't know what the hell they thought I would help them with. I tried to get them to use sparing amounts of makeup, wear main stream clothing, not act like a slut or exhibitionist and work very hard on their voice. I am here to tell you that a diligent person can change their voice. It took me about 18 months. Remember voice is not wholly about pitch. It is also about inflections and word choices. Yes, Virginia there is a feminine vocabulary.

This person who shat in my life, came to the church intent on changing the LDS church and bending them to the GBLT agenda, in about a week. Sorry "Savante" it does not work that way. I did not come to the church to change it but to live my life out before them so that they would know we have the same goals, except I just happen to be somewhat special. :) I had members talking to me as to why Savante and I were the same but not the same.

In conclusion, I think that the most powerful social activism is to lead a life appropriate to the group one mixes with. The hateful religious already think that T folk are on the express train to Hell, and it is important to me that they be proven wrong.

If...

...there are some in your community / church that are LGBT supportive but want to use you as a spokesperson, perhaps try attempting to impress upon them that while your personality is not conducive to having the proverbial spotlight shone on you (not to mention you'd prefer to blend in rather than have attention - of either the seemingly positive or outright negative kind), you could perhaps help with any research they want to do for their own campaigns (after all, you don't need to be LGBT [or any of the other acronyms occasionally appended to that sequence] to support the cause!) as long as you're "back office" / "behind the scenes" rather than up front on stage.

As you've already noted, attitudes of individuals / groups (e.g. congregations) / organisations (e.g. LDS) don't change overnight, and quite often actions (e.g. blending in and behaving like A. N. Other Ordinary Person) over a period of time speak louder than words. After all, if someone's in a conversation about T*, what better recommendation than to hear something along the lines of they know one and she's perfectly ordinary / normal / harmless / indistinguishable in attitude / behaviour / mannerisms from anyone who'd been born with a pair of X chromosomes.


As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!

You have the right of it.

Perhaps I should have you as my agent? I see it as you do. Some times quiet dignity trumps flashy exhibitionism.

Well, this bit of venting yesterday and the advice I have got here has helped me to plant my foot.

Thank you.

Gwendolyn