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Most of us, I believe, have very stylized ideas about what it means to be a woman in real life, and I must admit that my idea of a woman's life is vastly different than it was back in 1990, the initial start of my journey to my true self.
I noticed a news clip about the "Because I am a girl" campaign and it underlined for me that I am making progress, my understanding of womanhood is still lacking. I had the astonishing opportunity to sit in a baby shower, a woman among women, a few nights ago, and while everyone was really nice, I did take note of several things that I'd previously known but were underlined during the party.
In my experience and in this party, women seem mostly happy and friendly; having a camaraderie that I never saw in male groups. If there was leadership in the party, it was very subtle and gentle, while in men's groups, there always seems to be the A leader, and the first liar never has a chance; the whole evening being raucous bedlam. I can not tell you how much those two phenomena used to put me off. Toward the end of the party, it sank into my heart that these women had all had an opportunity, a burden that I would never share. Some of them had borne upward of 5 children, as Mormons are wont to do. It saddened me that I would never share in that.
Almost all of the prezzies were hand made items, and mine came right out of the toy section at a local store. I can not tell you how humiliating it was to finally see that error, but the mother to be was so kind and gracious, taking great care not to further demean me. Things like this are the heart of women when they are at their best.
I will acknowledge that women can be quite ferocious, and I stay on their good side as much as posible.
It's been a long long journey, and in the last year, filled with many joyful moments. May God grant me graciousness in the face of ferocity, patience in the face of anger, tolerance in the face of prejudice, and undaunted love when facing someone who is hurt.
Ameen
Gwendolyn
Comments
I don't think I do.
There's no point in analyzing "what it means to be a woman." A woman is what you are because you are a woman. There is no universal meaning beyond that. I find it a bit silly, and a waste of effort, to analyse what "being a woman" means in order to fit in. It's worth it, to some people I suppose, to study what kind of woman you are though (Do you like video games? Do you like sports? Do you like power tools? Do you like cooking?). If it helps you gain confidence in yourself then it's a good tactic.
It's important to remember that women come in all shapes, sizes, and experiences. I think some T-women focus too much on trying to fit in that they try to emulate all the exaggerated feminine characteristics rather than just being themselves. There is no "understanding of womanhood" and there never will be because there is no universal meaning to what being a "woman" means.
Hand-crafted gifts aren't feminine; store bought gifts aren't masculine. There seemed to be an understanding that the gifts should be handmade at this particular party but that's not universal. You don't have to be a girly girl to be a woman nor do you have to be compassionate, understanding, or loving. Actions and gender aren't necessarily linked together. Being a woman, to a woman, should mean being yourself. That's it.
No, no and no.
That's the answer to your questions. I never really tried that hard to "fit in" as a woman, but found it comforting to abandon practices that I'd had to work at as a man. In my experience, women don't spend a lot of time trying to be women, but when i was impersonating a man, I had to work very hard to deepen my voice, not sway when I walked, giggle inappropriately, and so many other things that got me beaten by my very aggressive, angry stepfather from hell. I suppose that is why I perceive such a difference now.
Gwendolyn
Indeed.
That was pretty much my point. Women don't need to know what it is to be a woman because woman are women. Women just are. You do notice differences but there's no point in focusing on or examining them because they're not universal.
I notice you mention you were accepted.
That is most of the battle right there. With friends, all things are possible.
You mention Mormon's, I have heard a few negative things as it pertains to TG people. Mostly in the church leadership practicing extreme intolerance, have you had problems with this?
The closest I've ever come to a baby shower is at work. I usually buy the generic color baby suites, the kind a parent needs to take the new tyke into bad weather with. You want to protect them, but momma needs to shop sometimes. :D
I'll reply privately to you.
About Mormons.
Re the gift...
A gift at a baby shower - the fact that most of those invited gave hand-made items and you purchased something is just a fact.
I know of baby showers were ALL invitees brought store bought items. The gift given at such showers depends a LOT on many factors, among them: 1) The culture of the people in the group invited. 2) The economic level of the people invited. 3) The "theme" of the shower (yes, my wife's attended themed showers where all gifts had to match the theme somehow). and so on.
Unless your invitation to the shower specified hand made gifts - the fact that it was your first shower in that group means that one of the other ladies should have given you a hint as to "typical" gifts (or, you could just have asked). That you gave a gift that was different wasn't necessarily wrong. Unless you fit in - so well as to be unrecognizable as different from the other ladies. They couldn't expect you to know their customs - from attendance at other showers in the past (or from your mom attending showers when you were a young girl).
My experience with Mormons - in interpersonal relations NOT relating to their religion - is that everyone there was gracious and not one negative word was said about the fact your gift was purchased. And, don't be surprised if they actually did not feel less of you as a result of this. Except in areas covered by their religion, most Mormons I've known have been very kind, welcoming and friendly. (Yes, there ARE exceptions!)
Anne
Things are just a bit delayed
I don't think that most of us who have 'completed' transition are unfamiliar with the feeling. One of my therapists kept telling me about the 1000 unwritten rules girls learn as they grow up.
What we feel and what we go through is something that is common to all girls, all women. Since we did not have the opportunity to learn over the years from our mothers, aunts, sisters, playmates, we have to struggle to catch up.
Another thing is that there are vast cultural differences. In the culture you were in, hand made items were de rigueur. In other groups it would be an insult not to give Oshkosh, Fisher Price, or some other branded item.
Another thing this therapist said was that the most successful transitions occurred when there was a close cis-girl as part of the support team. They will help you learn those rules and act as mentor, just as all girls are taught and mentored as they grow up.
Transition doesn't stop at surgery or name change, or any of the other static milestones we pass. We keep learning as we go along, just like everyone else.
Janet
Mistress of the Guild of Evil [Strawberry] Blonde Proofreaders
To be or not to be... ask Schrodinger's cat.
1000 unwritten rules.
Oh gosh, I could not find them on line, but it sort of sounds right. The woman that I live with is not cis gendered, but we have been friends for years and LOL I think it is I who have taught her at times how to be a woman, in a sense. She's very badly wanted to be equal with men and has been slow to realise that the men just don't play that game; neither of their little brains comprehending it. :) Chortle chortle.
I have watched very closely how she and other women think about things, and most often find what men see as scramble logic to be often a deeper form of logic.
Much peace
Gwendolyn
It's been such a blessing...
... in the past few years I've found so many friends and family. With you, Gwen, I've been here really blessed to find someone so candid and honest about herself. Your journey has been nothing short of encouraging for me. I feel in some ways sometimes like a little girl walking in the snow behind her big sister; stepping in your footprints, you know? I know you've gotten your feet a bit wetter than you'd like at times, and I've stumbled while standing in your path, but it's been terrific. Thanks for being here.
Love, Andrea Lena
Andrea, your comment is humbling.
Thank you so much for your gentleness with me. Yes it has been a rather much filled path has it not? And, I must admit that when another woman tells me that what I am doing is very male, it really bites me, and I try to correct my behavior.
I might actually have made it as a male, though a very mild, and at times effeminate one. I did like doing some very male things, like hunting Elk or Deer in the woods, but found that I most enjoyed the walking in nature, the birds and the wind rustling through the trees. Here I was with a quite expensive lady 30.06 and there were a lot of raised eyebrows when I confided that I hated to shoot the animals. (Please, no comments about the gun?) It was fun to shoot targets at very long range, but my thrill was to do it, not to compete with anyone.
So it was that I eventually figured out that I hated males due to the treatment of my stepfather, and some of the loutish, misogynistic conduct of other men on the construction crews that I worked with and sometimes supervised. And to add insult to injury, I was one of the enemy. That made life nearly unbearable.
In the passing years it was found that I was not really male at all, having badly damaged Y chromosome, and since transition have found some very gentle and solicitous men in my life.
Much peace
Gwendolyn
my sister likes hunting
So i dont see enjoying hunting as just a male thing. Heck I dont like hunting and my sister loves to go out hunting, shoot deer and stuff, fish, ride her 4 wheeler in the mud and get dirty. but dont mistake her, she is very girlygirl at other times. As for me even though im a guy my sister still calls me the princess lol. That used to tick me off when i was younger growing up with her. But now its ok. I accept my traits and im fine with it.
Like 'Drea
I am following in your footsteps, in awe of your bravery and honesty. Hugs.
Because I am a Girl.
Your Prayer should be said by all Believers
May Your Light Forever Shine
Every human being goes through adaptation.
I don't even know if that is strictly a gender issue. If your shy, it's hard to interact with people for example. You flirt and sometimes that special someone gets totally turned off. Someone does something so simple and yet you can't seem to grasp it. You hang out with a different group of women and I guarantee that the interactions and behaviors would be at the very least slightly different. Just got to stick with it and eventually, you'll adapt.