I have come to the point in my life when I really don't see the point in going on another day, another hour, another minute. On the horizon, I don't see even a chance of happiness, or joy, or peace, or contentment. There is no one that I am close with or close to, and I don't really see that changing at all. Any trust that I have ever had in humanity has been squandered. I simply wait to see how the next person is going to take advantage of me, use me, and then discard me like the worthless item I have become.

I won't commit suicide, I'm not that brave just to end it all on my own. But how I wish I would die in my sleep. Or maybe a heart attack. Or perhaps finally someone could just come along and beat me into oblivion. It doesn't really matter how I go, just that I am away from here. Whether there is a heaven or hell, I don't know, though I am putting my faith that there is something more than this torture that has been my life. Maybe there is nothing, an empty void, a dreamless sleep where all that you ever were fades into the abyss. That use to scare me, but not I find it appealing. To be away from the pain, physically and emotionally, sounds like bliss.

I wasn't always this way. But after being pummeled for fifteen rounds and being knocked down to the canvas once again, I don't see the point in getting up. I use to think it was noble just to be standing to the final bell, now I think it is fool-hearty. There was a time I took some sort of pride that no matter what life through at me, that I plodded on. Raped, neglected, abused, kidnapped, tortured, stolen from, arrested, wrongly convicted, told by psychiatrist that everything about me is wrong, I still soldiered on, bravely, against the odds. I once was going to write my autobiography. I was going to call it "Rebuilding castles" because that's how I viewed my life. Someone or something would come along and destroy everything that I had, and I would rebuild. I would make something greater, something bigger, something stronger. Then someone or something would destroy that and I would pick up the pieces and start over. Now I think that instead of going from castle to castle, I've been going from dung heap to dung heap.

Even when I went to Federal Prison for something I didn't do but took responsibility for, my goal was to come out better, stronger, forged by the fire. I knew it was going to be tough, but I was always up to the task. And for a while I succeeded. I didn't have a glamorous job, but made good money. I had a few friends (and that was always fine by me) and I was making good on things. But it went away for no reason, at least I wasn't given one and can only speculate.

I lost my job, though I got a similar one right away it was at much lower pay (more than half less). I lost my aunt, the one constant I can always turn to. I had to live in a homeless shelter. And no matter how I try to get ahead financially, it seems I keep going backwards.

I don't have the strength to rebuild any more.

The state of Florida wants to throw me into prison. Why? Because of an email address I had over 10 years ago and because I write this blog and they didn't know about it in advance. They claim that there are more other charges coming and they probably will throw the book at me. If you believe that American justice is fair, you are delusional. Let me tell you how American justice works in cases not in the media. The cops think that you have committed a crime and they arrest you. Instead of saying, like in my case, hey we think you sold illegal material out of your house to other felons, they come up with something else. In my case, the existence of 2 email addresses and a blog that wasn't suppose to be registered in the first place. They have no evidence on the first 2 emails, but that doesn't matter, on a facebook profile it says they exist. So they stack the charges. You go through the legal process but instead of one charge where you are looking to face less than a year in prison, you have 3 charges and it is now over 5 years in prison. It doesn't end there. Then they charge you with other crimes. But not just one. When I took my plea with the federal government, it wasn't because I was guilty. It was because they were going to give me 68 counts at 10 years per. I am sure the state is going to do something similar. And despite what we are taught, it is not innocent until proven guilty... you better prove your innocence beyond a shadow of a doubt and then have Jesus Christ himself come down to verify.

It's not just the legal stuff that has me down, mind you. Both vehicles broke last night. The civic overheated and I think I am going to just let it sit, fix it when I can and then sell it. The van got a hole in the gas tank. I had to get that fixed right away because I need the van more than I need the honda. 200 dollars that I didn't have.

The only thing I can think to do is give up the Civic. At least I would save 50 dollars a month on insurance. Give up fios and just have internet through the cable company (25 dollars instead of 140) Maybe I can share netflix with someone if I ever get a computer that can stream (Right now I am waiting on one, a 3.2 mhz P4. Someone else said they would send me a hard drive and a copy of windows 7 [i have the key, someone stole the disc from the case] but I haven't heard from them in a few days). I have a roommate, but she has yet to pay rent and now owes me 800 dollars, even with my not charging her for the first 3 weeks she lived here. I might put my student loan on deferment.

These plans, however, only take care of the financial crisis. I have no clue what to do about my health. I am always in pain and uncomfortable. And the crushing loneliness that I feel. I would put myself in the mental hospital, but then I would lose my job and be worse off than when I started.

One day, I hope to write again. But then again I think I am the only one who believes I produce anything worth quality and maybe its best I don't type another word.