Irish step dancing is entertaining, of course. And a form of cultural expression and heritage. But for some, the competitions become more than a way of life. To that end, the Davidson family has spent the last several years investing time and energy in the considerable talent of their younger daughter Maggie. That expenditure nearly cost the family everything; the older daughter Glynnis neglected and even almost an outcast as her father Cam made it all about Maggie’s dancing; alienating both girls and his wife Nancy in the process.
And the O’Meara family – Kevin Sr. was unable to see what his late wife had been saying all along; that they shared parenthood of a daughter and not a son. A child forced to deny self as well for the sake of the dance; all for the pride and honor of her father.
Both families forced to come to grips with life as it is instead of how the parents envisioned and hoped it would be. But the Davidsons fortunes turned in a moment as Cameron Davidson finally realized how horribly he had treated all of his family for the sake of being well-regarded. And the O’Mearas finally no longer holding on to unrealistic expectations as Kevin decided it was more important to love the daughter with whom he had been blessed.
But... As another old saying goes, ‘the more things change, the more they stay the same.’ Old habits, even those willingly set on the altar of sacrifice, still have a habit of climbing off the table to insert themselves in the midst of well-meant attempts to change, as both families are about to discover….
Previously – From Irish Intersection, at Kelly's cousin's home...
“Can I see….her?” Kevin O'Meara stood in the doorway; almost looking for a reason to retreat.
The first steps in the right direction can be painfully accusative since we often take too many steps in the wrong direction first. But Kevin O’Meara’s first new steps were accompanied by a realization that it was better to be ashamed and admit his failure than to be proud and alone. He began to cry; the first time Fiona and Tommy could remember him crying since Heather’s death. And Kelly could hardly ever remember her father feeling sorry for anything. She stood up slowly.
“Dad?” The girl practically whispered as the word seemed to be almost muted. He raised his head and looked over at the daughter he never understood but in a way always knew he had. And Fiona was right; the girl was so much like her mother. Kev shook his head and went to reach for the front door but Moira grabbed his arm…..
Moira literally shoved him toward Kelly; the girl had stepped up and was almost hiding behind Fiona. She pulled her around and walked her over to Kev. The two stood face to face for only a few seconds before Kevin broke down; putting his hand in front of his face as he wept. Kelly held back; he’d been sorry before, and she’d invested too much time letting her guard down. But something in his face changed all that as she saw that it really wasn’t the man she had always known, but an entirely new man; broken and ashamed and frightened and finally grateful. She walked the rest of the way and pulled him into an awkward hug; it almost seemed that each was consoling the other, and that was likely right.
The O’Meara home, early Spring…
“I’m sorry, Dad.” Kelly put her head down and looked over at the front door. The morning would be the start of a long day but never again as long as it had been in the past.
“You….” Kevin O’Meara practically glared at his only child but quickly softened.
“It’s okay…”
“No it’s not. This means a lot to you. I’m sorry.” She felt his disappointment; an almost tangible cloud hanging over the whole house. Nothing prevented her from resuming dancing. She was talented even if she had changed teams so to speak. But truth be told; she had never been herself as a dancer, much less a person, when she was Kevin instead of Kelly.
And in those times when she would forget who she was and where she was, music that gave wings to Kevin’s feet now transformed her into a dancing angel. Where precision once reigned she now knew grace and peace. But to do that in front of others after such a long absence and such a remarkable transformation?
“Look,” Kevin said to the girl with a half-smile,
“There’s nothing you can say that can change things.” Kelly frowned at the words. Kevin shook his head; quickly rising from the couch and walking over to her.
“No…. Sorry.” He echoed. He lifted his daughter out of the rocker by the hearth and held her at arms’ length; more of a sign of affection than you might surmise.
“I’m sorry. Nothing you can say can change the fact that I was wrong about you. And that’s only for starters.” He paused and gazed into eyes which mirrored his own sadness while resembling her late mother’s tenderness and grace.
“I wanted a son; there’s no getting around that. But…. I wanted a son who did…. A son who performed. Just like I did for my dad and him for his….” He shook his head and frowned at himself.
“But yeah….” He smiled at his daughter. His daughter.
“I don’t blame you if you never dance again. Something that was supposed to be fun nearly destroyed you… I nearly destroyed you.”
“No, Dad…don’t say that.”
“Sorry, Kelly….” He seemed to draw strength and solace at the mention of her name.
“It got in the way of who you are. And kept me from seeing who I was supposed to be. God rest her soul…your mother knew who you were. And now I know.” He pulled her into a hug; less awkward than the one before which was less awkward than the ones before that, so to speak.
“I’m sorry, Kelly. You’ll dance if and when you want, but you have to know that I finally figured out how to love you for whoyou are. “ She began to sob in his arms. As much as they had grown in the past two years, it only kept getting better as she realized just how precious she was in her father’s eyes.
The Davidson home, that same week…
“Cam?” Nancy called from the kitchen; sounding very upset. Cam bounded up the stairs from the basement.
“What’s wrong? Are you okay?” He ran up to her and she raised her hand; halting him in mid-stride.
“This….” She held up an empty bottle of Scotch.
“We agreed that you might have days where things didn’t go well and that you could….” She held the bottle out and frowned.
“I said that I’d try to understand…. But hiding it under the sink behind the bottles of cleaner.”
“But…”
“I don’t want to talk about it, Cam. Maybe you should give your sponsor a call. I’m going to Stop & Shop to pick up some coffee and something for dinner. Will you be home?” She lowered her head slightly before walking to the counter to grab the car keys and her purse.
“Yes,” Cam said meekly as Nancy walked out; leaving him alone to wonder what just had happened.
Casa Mia Pizzeria Pastaria, later that afternoon…
The waitress had just walked away from the table in the corner. Glynnis walked in and got her attention.
“Hi, Miss Karen. How’s my girl?” Karen shook her head and frowned.
“She could really use some company. She’s been sitting over there for almost an hour and hasn’t touched her food.” Karen stepped close and hugged the girl and patted her on the arm before gently nudging the girl toward Kelly.
“You okay?” Glynnis sat down and patted Kelly’s shoulder; she’d been sitting by herself with her head down. Kelly looked up; her eyes red from crying.
“Jimmy Santiago….” She shook her head and looked away.
“Oh, fuck…sorry. Mom has been trying to get me to stop….” She rubbed Kelly’s back.
“We’ve known each other since kindergarten…you know? Like forever…” Her voice trailed off.
“I…. I wish I could say I know what you’re going through. I’ve…” She squeezed Kelly’s hand with as much support she could muster.
“Since….when we stayed…. You know….”
“Together? Is that so bad, Glyn….“ Kelly put her head down.
“Oh no…damn…. I mean some of my girlfriends’ parents won’t …. Because….I don’t care, but that’s what happened.
“Because I’m a freak… what was it that Mr. Carraldo said in class the other day about …you know… the albino tiger? Anomaly… “ She stifled a sob.
“I… some of them were pissed off when they figured out you had been…. Kevin, you know? You and me.”
“Oh… “ Kelly said; her head resting against Glynnis’ arm
“And some of them didn’t know that and just got angry anyway…because I’m a girl and they thought you were too.”
“Thanks a lot, Glyn,” Kelly half-sobbed.
“That’s them, Kelly. I know this is who you are…who you’ve always been. It just feels like mo matter what we they hate us.”
“I…I know.”
“No, Kelly, you don’t. Because none of those girls meant anything to me or my family and I still have friends who always supported me and you when they learned. And that’s just it. I have people who care. Jimmy was your best friend for so long. It probably feels worse than when your Dad didn’t believe.” It might have felt odd, but Glynnis continued.
“Your Dad didn’t know how to love you… just like my Dad didn’t know how to love me and Maggie and Mom. But he tried and he still is trying. My dad is still trying. Jimmy isn’t trying at all.
“It’s not ….”
“Fair?” Glynnis paused and shook her head in self-correction.
“No, it’s not, and it hurts so bad… Like it’ll never get better since your Dad never tried to hurt you even when he… like my Dad never tried to hurt us. Jimmy is getting his friends to be mean to you…oh fuck.” Glynnis wiped tears from her own eyes and patted Kelly on the back.
“I should just go back to the way things were…it’s all my fault.” Kelly’s voice was barely above a whisper from all the crying she’d been doing throughout the day.
“Stop it! Damn it, Kel…. You didn’t do anything wrong. What you did was finally be yourself. It’s all on your Dad …. He got angry. He drank. He yelled at you. He hurt you. Oh fuck…” The girl’s cheeks grew hot and red; evenly divided between the embarrassment of her words and the anger she felt over her girlfriend’s needless guilty.
“I used to think the same thing. If only I’d been a better daughter, Daddy wouldn’t drink. If only…. I had been a better daughter, Daddy would love me…. Oh fuck…” She rolled her eyes in frustration.
“Daddy drinks because Daddy is an alcoholic. Daddy gets angry because it’s always about him…” She paused. She didn’t want to make it about her, and she wanted to say something positive to Kelly.
“Daddy is getting help and Mommy is … she’s been leaving Al-Anon stuff out where I can find it. I have my therapist, and I really don’t want to go to a meeting and put all my family’s stuff out there. But I do get it… One day at a time. We’re gonna get through this…. One day at a time.” As she spoke the waitress had come up to the table. She stood silently for a few moments before speaking.
“I’m sorry… I couldn’t help overhear.” She used a glance around the near-empty restaurant to allay any fear the girls might have.
“I’ve been sober for seven years, hon. I know what you’re going through. My Dad started it and I nearly finished it, so I’m glad to hear you’re getting help. You’ll make it, girls.” She stooped down to table level and looked Kelly in the eyes.
“I’ve known you since you and your Mom and Dad started coming in here. You’re a girl. Maybe nobody knew back then….” She stopped abruptly and shook her head.
“Your Mom knew… she barely said a word, but something in the way she looked at you and how she would speak. I don’t think your Dad knew at all.” Kelly winced.
“But he knows now, and I’m sure he’s trying to understand. It’s like falling down after a few steps, but getting back up and moving forward. He’s gonna make mistakes, but he’s trying.” She would have kept it at that, but Glynnis looked as if she felt left out. Karen reached over and squeezed her hand.
“I’ve known your Dad since High School. He’s a different man now. Your Mom, too. You and Maggie have had it hard for so long, and I bet it looked like things would never get better but they are… little by little, honey.”
It was almost too much to take in to begin with, but it got worse. The front door opened and Jimmy Santiago stepped up to the counter with one of his friends. It would have been almost easier to take had he said something mean, but the two just paid for the pizza and walked out without a word. Kelly bit her lip, trying hard not to cry but the permission given by Karen’s kiss to her forehead sent her over the needed emotional brink and she sobbed as her head and shoulders shook in the embrace of her girlfriend.
“Shhhhh….. shhhh, baby girl,” Karen said in sympathy, but even the words evoked more pain, since the only other person to utter that endearment was her mother, and she’d never hear that voice again this side of heaven. Nevertheless, Karen continued as she included Glynnis, stroking her hair with one hand while rubbing Kelly’s back.
“Little by little…”
Shepherd of the Hills Lutheran Church, that evening…
“So how are you, Cam?” the tall graying blond-haired man said as he sat down in the row of chairs in front of Cam.
“Getting there?” His comment evoked a soft laugh from the man; Colin Patterson by name, but no one would be using last names that night.
“All we can do is what we can do. But it’s figuring out what we’re capable of that’s the hard part. And I know you’re capable of doing what needs being done. So why the glum face, Boyo?” Colin had been in the states for nearly thirty years, but nothing really ever shook the Kerry out of him so to speak.
“Nancy found a half-empty bottle… Scotch. At first I wasn’t able to take it all in. I was so hurt. She didn’t yell, but she was so fucking angry she wouldn’t hear me. I figured it was an old bottle I missed when I took inventory when I was getting rid of everything.”
“And it wasn’t?”
“No… because I never drink Dewars.”
“Hmmm…sounds like someone else has a problem.” It almost sounded unsympathetic but for the look in Colin’s eyes.
“Well it’s not Nancy. She might have …you know the whole co-dependent shit…. But she can’t drink without getting ill.”
“So it’s gotta be one of your girls…or both?”
“That’s what I’m afraid of. Maggie’s got a good head on her shoulders, so it’s gotta be Glynnis. She’s always been the one with the problem.”
“Aye, Cam, but didn’t you tell me where some of that comes from?” Colin shook his head and Cam half-frowned.
“It’s all my fault.”
“It is and it isn’t, Cam… but you knew that, right?”
“Yes…. Oh fuck… If I had been a better father to them…”
“I thought this was about Glynnis? But it’s all about you? And maybe a wee bit about the baby of the family?”
“What should I do, Colin?”
“You know I’m not one for giving advice, but I will say your best bet is to take this gently. You know…how everyone handled the other drinker in the family?” He hadn’t meant it to be condemning and he quickly added,
“I’m one to talk. Thankfully I’ve got people who believe in me…you know? That whole redemption thing?”
“Bring it out in the open, but first talk to your bride. Be honest with her. Don’t defend the past, but don’t be hanging your hat on it either. Let her vent if you have to but when you’re both done you’ve got some talking to do with your girls okay?”
Cam nodded and smiled. He heard what Colin was saying.
“How long before you went back and how the hell did you get them to let you return?”
“The forgiveness came right away. The collar came back when they realized I meant business. Of course it helps to come here rather than Port Jervis but my folks know my history and they’re okay with it.” He smiled again; the warm feeling of acceptance lit up his eyes and flashed the same to Cam.
“Well, it’s show time,” he said with a soft laugh. Father Colin Patterson rose from his seat and walked to the front of the rows of chairs.
“Good Evening. I’m Colin…. And I’m an alcoholic.”
The O’Meara home, late that night…
Kelly stood in front of her dresser; staring at the image in the mirror. Her mirror twin looked out of place and embarrassed even if Kelly was glad to view her true self. But what…who was really true?
The girl in the mirror looked nervous; it was the first time she had worn the outfit. A Kelly green velvet dance dress, which stretched irony to its limits. Dark green tights coupled with plain black flats and the dark red dancer’s wig her mother wore at that age. Kelly sighed.
The girl in the mirror sighed back and frowned in disapproval.
“Who am I trying to kid?” Kelly pulled off the wig and let it drop to the floor. A few minutes later she was dressed in shorts and a maroon tee shirt. Her barely grown-out hair still looked better suited for her old self, as painfully frustrating as that was.
“I….” She would have said ‘I hate myself,’ but her sobs got in the way. And the sentiment still held fast as she fell onto the bed and cried herself to sleep…
To be continued...
Previously
The girl in the mirror sighed back and frowned in disapproval.
“Who am I trying to kid?” Kelly pulled off the wig and let it drop to the floor. A few minutes later she was dressed in shorts and a maroon tee shirt. Her barely grown-out hair still looked better suited for her old self, as painfully frustrating as that was.
“I….” She would have said ‘I hate myself,’ but her sobs got in the way. And the sentiment still held fast as she fell onto the bed and cried herself to sleep…
Kevin heard the sobbing. Kelly had been crying almost non-stop until her weeping faded into a barely audible moan as sleep finally had overtaken her. Whatever else Kevin had been even in the recent past to his child, he had finally come to a place of more than mere acceptance. Almost like a trope from some of the stories his priest had steered him to, Kevin realized that Kelly was exactly like her late mother.
The boy she had been in a way had always resembled her mother in demeanor as much as appearance. And Kevin stepped closer to that dreaded place of responsibility for his daughter’s heartbreak. It was proving to be a very daunting task to undo the harm he had done to Kelly. But he had to try, regardless of how uncomfortable and guilty it left him feeling….
The Davison home the following day…
“Glynn? Your Mom and I need to talk to you,” Cam said as Glynnis walked in. She dropped her backpack on a kitchen chair and sat down.
“What’s the meaning of this?” Cam said, producing the half empty bottle of scotch Nancy had discovered days before. Glynnis tilted her head and scrunched up her face in a questioning half grin.
“I don’t know, Dad. What is the meaning of that?”
“Don’t speak to your father that way,” Nancy snapped. She immediately thought better of it, as the tendency to enable inserted itself into its familiar place at the kitchen table.
“Sorry, Glynn…do over? Do you know anything about this?” Nancy pointed to the bottle still grasped nervously by Cam.
Glynnis sighed deeply. A secret only has power if it remains in the shadows. And it was better to incur the disappointment of one if only to help the whole family. A recent stealth visit to a teen AA meeting at the encouragement of her therapist helped her get a better perspective about her father’s journey to sobriety. And even at sixteen, she had been used to functioning on occasion as the parent of the family. She shifted that back to Cam and Nancy with a half frown-
“Okay? You both know that after Leelee’s party last summer that I can’t drink without puking, right?” Nancy frowned, more at herself and Cam. Glynnis took it the wrong way, but apart from the tone, her response was spot-on, as they say.
“Daddy stopped. You never drank. And I can’t drink without getting sick. Oh fuck, Mom.”
“Don’t you,” Cam began a rebuke that stopped in mid-sentence as the reality of the moment set in. He recalled what Father Colin had said to him about the baby of the family.
“Maggie?” He stared at Glynnis, hoping he read her wrong. His older daughter didn’t want to be a snitch, as they say, but her sister’s health had to come before any idea of keeping secrets. Nevertheless she began to sob as the same un-deserved guilt that had become a part of her daily routine hit her hard. Nancy stood up and hugged Glynnis from behind.
“No, No,’ honey.” She girl shook in her arms. Nancy looked to Cam. It was their joint responsibility for the harm that had befallen both daughters, regardless of who played which role. But there also was a ‘you started this, you have to fix this’ aspect to the problem, since even if it felt hypocritical, it still often takes one drinker to talk to another.
Rather than make it shameful, Cam did exactly what Father Colin inferred. That the family bore his recovery with kindness even if it was painfully firm. He stood up and walked around the table. He kissed Nancy on the cheek and did the same with Glynnis before walking down the hall. Reaching the last door on the left, he knocked gently on the open doorway and peeked in, finding his younger daughter sitting at her desk rapt in music mixed with homework.
“Maggie, honey? We need to talk, okay.” His words were gentle but still pierced whatever excuse or defense Maggie had prepared, and she put her head down; sobbing softly. He walked slowly to her, praying even step by step for his next words. Maggie made it easy as she looked up.
“Daddy? I’m so sorry,” was all she could manage before she buried her face in his outstretched arm, sobbing hard.
“I know,” he said. The tone could have been permissive or enabling, but his word said exactly what he meant. She knew he had a problem. She knew she had a problem. And He knew that she knew. Simple, but the easiest if still painful beginning of Maggie Davison’s recovery.
And so they linked their hands and danced
Round in circles and in rows
And so the journey of the night descends
When all the shades are gone
Sparta High school. Next to last bell, the final week before summer vacation…
The hallway was crowded with kids making no effort to appreciate the need to get to the next class. Kelly walked down the hall, buffeted by the groups of students mulling about. As she attempted to navigate around a clique of authentic girls as the lies kept telling her, she found herself face to face with Jimmy Santiago.
“Hi,” was all she could manage as she cast her gaze to the floor. He remained silent, which was meaner and more painful than any rebuke or insult. She pushed past a group of boys standing next to the exit at the end of the wing and shoved the crash-bar on the door; fleeing to the safety of solitude.
The sad thing is that solitude not only provided no relief, but the accusations that rattled around in her pushed rudely to the surface as she lapsed into self-condemnation. She kept her head down as she hurried off school grounds and did not see the Pathfinder heading her way.
Even at only 25 mph in the school zone, her distraction and the driver’s texting led to a collision. The SUV glanced off her at the last moment, but not quick enough to avoid harm as she fell back; hitting her head against the soft shoulder of the road. She managed to lift up on her elbows just long enough to see a brilliant array of lights before she collapsed back on the road and darkness took her.
Casa Mia Pizzeria Pastaria, shortly thereafter …
Karen had just walked to the counter after her break when a familiar face announced its presence with a very disarming smile.
“Hi Kevin,” she said with a smile of her own managing to sneak past long deployed defenses.
“Have you seen my child today?” He looked back and forth between Karen and the near empty restaurant.
“She and Glynnie don’t come in until about three-thirty, but they sometimes drop by Moira’s.” Karen resisted the urge to say ‘your daughter’. But correcting him when she knew he was trying to seen Kelly instead of Kevin Jr. was a tough but necessary task, if task was even the right word.
“You want a Coke or something while you wait?"
“Sure. I guess she’s got her cell off since she probably just got out of school.”
”Well, at least he’s using the right pronoun, Karen thought. She smiled and walked over to the fountain.
“Kevin? Do you mind if I say something?” She almost flinched at the anticipated refusal since Kevin had been very reluctant in times past to discuss Kelly and the odd journey upon which she and her father finally embarked. He surprised her.
“Go ahead, Karen. We’ve known each other forever, and you’ve ..Well, you have been like a Mom to her since Heather died. Go ahead,” he said, flinching as well.
“I know you’ve been trying. But she needs to know you’ll support her no matter what.” Kevin bristled at the words, but Karen touched his hand and smiled.
“Her friends are few and the ones she did have except for Glynnis and your niece and a few others? Most abandoned her. It….” Karen frowned at herself. What right did she have to insert herself into Kevin and Kelly’s lives? Who was she to presume to be anything remotely resembling family, much less a mother? But Kevin smiled.
“Go ahead?”
“”When I was just a bit older than the girls are now, I met a nice man An older man. He said he loved me.” Kevin already knew the story and half-frowned. And Karen knew him long enough to know it was from sympathy and not judgment,. She continued.
“He said he loved me when we made love. He said he loved me when I learned I was expecting. He said he loved me when he told me he was married. He said he loved me when he handed me an envelope with money. He stopped talking to me when I told him no. And he never talked to me again, even after I lost my baby…HIS baby. And no one but you and your sweetie held my hand when they told me I’d never have more kids.” She tried oh so hard not to cry, but the tears fell from her face. It was his turn to pat her hand.
“I’ve known Kelly since she was a baby. When Heather would point to the little one everyone thought was a little boy. When she found her own life ebbing away. She charged me with a wonderful task, Kevin, and nothing I will ever deserve. ‘ Help ‘her’ Karen when her Daddy is too tired or too scared to see her?’ I love Glynnis and the other girls like they were family, but I love your daughter just as much as I loved the baby I thought would bless me. She needs you to understand as much as you can.”
“I do, Karen, I’m trying so hard.” Kevin had begun to cry. Karen put up her hand.
“I know you do. Really. But she needs to know that you don’t need to understand. That your love will see things through even when you can’t see your way to accept every bit of who your son has become. That it’s not just seeing your son as a daughter, but treasuring the daughter you’ve had all along, whether or not you ever understand.” Karen smiled and grasped Kevin’s hand.
“Just see me as the spinster aunt who may not know much but she knows what it’s like to be a woman, Okay?”
She went to pull away as a couple of boys entered the restaurant. His hand held fast a wee bit longer than could have expected before she broke away, wiping her hands and face with a paper towel. She walked over to the other end of the counter and around to the booth where the boys sat, and didn’t see Kevin leave. He put his hand to the door and sighed, but with a smile and a nod. And with that he was gone.
Newton Medical Center Emergency Room Waiting Area, minutes later…
Kelly’s cousin Moira sat with her parent’s and her girlfriend Gina as Glynnis paced back and forth past the wide double-door into the ER area.
“Glynnie?,” Tommy, Kelly’s uncle called.
“I haven’t been able to get Kevin. It just keeps saying ‘that number is not in service.’ Maybe his phone isn’t working?” Glynnis looked at him and shook her head in self-rebuke.
“Oh fuck,” she said; immediately following it with another head shake at her word.”
“Sorry. Kel said her Dad had to change phone plans. The new number must be in her cell.” Kelly’s aunt Fiona jumped to her feet and walked quickly to the intake desk. A few minutes later she returned.
“They got her cell and called the new number. There were several voice mails from her Dad, so he may be trying to call. Glynnis looked at her with a half smile but turned away. A moment later she found herself in Fiona’s safe embrace.
“The nurse doesn’t have any details other than that they think she may ‘come round’ soon. We have to hope sweetie.”
“I know,” Glynnis said as she wept in Fiona’s arms.” Fiona reached back into her childhood and recalled the solace she had been given in countless times of fear or sadness and just repeated.
“Shuh, shuh.”
When in the springtime of the year
When the trees are crowned with leaves
When the ash and oak and the birch and yew
Are dressed in ribbons fair
When owls call the breathless moon
In the blue veil of the night
The shadows of the trees appear
Amidst the lantern light
The girl found herself lying on a very large crocheted comforter in the shade of a Hawthorne by the banks of a rushing stream. The sun was peeking out from behind a cloud and had yet to warmly insist on its own way, leaving the girl in a bit of a shiver. Drawing the edges up, she draped the comforter on her bare legs.
”Calleigh?” A woman’s voice called from over her left shoulder. She turned to find a very kind looking woman beaming with apparent glee.
“Are you well rested, child?” The woman said as she walked around, facing the girl from the front. The girl shook her head, wincing.
“I…I hurt…”
“Tis but a small hurt when stood beside the hurt you feel here,” the woman said with a half-frown as she patted her own breast. The girl pursed her lips and cast her vision down. In a moment, the pain of the present gave way to the very real pain of the past as the girl began to weep.
“I never meant to leave you so hopeless and sad, my sweet girl. You are my life,” the woman said as her soft sobs echoed the girl’s own crying. The girl lifted her head and looked into familiar eyes.
“You do have hope, my baby. I just did not know. I am so sorry, Calleigh,” she said as she gathered her tears in her hand. She touched the girl’s cheek, anointing it in a way.
“Be blessed, Calleigh ni Meadhra. Give your father my love?”” The woman kissed her forehead and spoke her name again.
“Calleigh….”
“Kelly?” The girl looked up into equally kind eyes, heretofore hidden behind a mask of fear and confusion.
“Kelly?” Kevin repeated as he leaned over the rail of the bed and finally greeted her with a proper kiss from a loving father for his treasured daughter.
“Oh, Daddy,” was all Kelly could manage before dissolving into relieved tears mixed with an odd if entirely appropriate giggle.
And so they linked their hands and danced
Round in circles and in rows
And so the journey of the night descends
When all the shades are gone
To be continued...
The Mummer's Dance
Performed by the composer,
Loreena McKennit
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9pFFOwswIY
Previously
“I never meant to leave you so hopeless and sad, my sweet girl. You are my life,” the woman said as her soft sobs echoed the girl’s own crying. She lifted her head and looked into familiar eyes.
“You do have hope, my baby. I just did not know. I am so sorry, Calleigh,” she said as she gathered her tears in her hand. She touched the girl’s cheek, anointing it in a way.
“Be blessed, Calleigh ni Meadhra. Give your father my love?”” The woman kissed her forehead and spoke her name again.
“Calleigh….”.
The parking lot of Casa Mia Pizzeria Pastaria,
Karen sat in her Tacoma pick-up with the windows down to receive the remaining mist of the dusk sun shower. She leaned back and began to pray with eyes closed and silently as faces came to mind. Glynnis had phoned with great news that Kelly would be just fine apart from a very nasty bruise on her left ear and a very bad headache.
As Kelly’s face faded another visage seemed to intrude. It wasn’t that she didn’t welcome Kevin’s face in her prayers so much as the unwelcome confusion and guilt that that tagged along. She had her chance, hadn’t she? She had no right to dream after her sin brought ruin and heartache, after all.
Bur even as Kevin’s face also began to fade, another face from the past, familiar and welcoming, entered her prayers along with the comfort that can only come from a friend. A conversation recalled that soothed the remnants of deep wounds and sadness
“I’m here, Karen,” the voice echoed as if the present was harmonizing with the past.
“You’re not alone, hon.” Gentle as always, hearkening to a friendship that spanned most of her lifetime.
“And you are in His hands, no matter what you seen now. No matter what you ‘ve done. No matter what anyone says, Karen, you are loved.” A soft smile and a warm touch seemed to wipe away Karen’s tears. Travailing for others often brought comfort to everyone except herself, but this evening had more in mind.
It would have been easy to dismiss her friend’s words but for the near parallel journey both took. The only difference being that Karen had been abandoned after her loss while her friend had been embraced. And while she had been left barren, her friend was blessed with another child before the end.
“I can’t bear this,” Karen spoke to the angel of her past, knowing that her angel knew that same heartache.
“I know.” No correction or rebuke, but the woman followed with the same caress of tears and same warm smile.
“I deserved this. It’s my fault she died.” Karen reached down and touched where her loss began.
“No, Karen,” the woman said; her voice not so much angelic as the sound of the nicest friend Karen might ever know.
“There is no fault. And your child lives with her creator; blessed and happy. Your creator still rejoices over you with love. Be blessed, Karen, remember hope and see the works of Him who will give everything to you to show you His love.” The words were accompanied by a best friend’s kiss and finally,
“Caireann ni Caoimh…. Be blessed…..”
Karen looked up and beheld the fading glow of the sun illuminate the prettiest rainbow she had ever seen. The last of the soft rain fell upon her face; the travailing tears of heaven mixed with the gentle tears of Heather ni Carthaigh… Heather McCarthy O’Meara.
The changing colours of its fruit
Have dowered the stars with merry light;
The surety of its hidden root
Has planted quiet in the night;
The Davison home a short while later…
“Maggie?” Nancy walked into the kitchen and found the girl resting her head sideways on her arms on the table.
“Oh…” the girl almost whispered as she lifted her head up. Nancy noticed Maggie had been crying, and sat down next to her.
“Daddy had to go to the hospital to pick up Glynnis.” Nancy’s eyes began to widen in worry, but Maggie quickly added.
“She’s okay. Kelly fell and hit her head at school. She’s alright, but Daddy says she has to be there tonight just in case.” Maggie tried to look away but Nancy gently grabbed Maggie’s chin and redirected her face-to-face.
“Honey?” Nancy shook her head slightly without another word.
“NO. Mommy. I.. I haven’t been drinking.”
“I know. And I know you care about Kelly as your friend, but you’re still upset and you’ve been crying. Maggie tried to deny it, but the tears fell freely. She sighed before speaking.
“Why does Daddy hate me?”
Nancy began to deny Maggie’s words, since they weren’t true, but it was more important to find out why Maggie felt that way than Nancy’s need to defend Cam. And she was trying very hard to discard her default mode of enablement. Cam was a grown man with good reason to be doubted by the rest of the family, even if he was making strides in overcoming that mistrust. She spoke softly.
“Why do you feel Daddy hates you?”
“Because I can’t dance anymore. Mommy. I tried, but it hurts too much.” The physical pain would have been more than too much to overcome by itself, but Maggie was a Davison, which meant being a perfectionist first, last, and always even at nearly fifteen.
And although she was still good at dancing, she would likely never approach the success she had striven for; leaving her feeling like an abject failure. It didn’t help that neither Cam nor Nancy understood why she stopped dancing altogether. At least until recently when Cam’s drinking problem duplicated itself in Maggie. Nancy looked away, searching for some connection.
“I know, honey. I do know you’ve tried. I’m sorry we… I’m sorry we made you feel you had to do everything right. To be perfect.” It was ironic that in a house filled with very imperfect people, there remained a need to perform to gain love.
From a father who drank and spent so much of his life as a parent demanding without giving. To a mother who pretty much stood idly by while Cam demanded, as well as her own need to be the best wife and mother instead of just being herself. To a rebellious older daughter who pushed away any of the once and a while good things because of all the bad disappointments that arose from her relationship with her parents. Right down to baby sister who practiced to be perfect to the exclusion of her own needs. Everyone with a role played to perfection on an imperfect stage.
“I do love you, Maggie,” a voice came from the doorway to the garage. She looked up to find her father standing in the doorway; his left hand covering his face while his right hand was grasped by Glynnis. He shook his head.
“I am so sorry, baby.” The term was meant as an endearment, but Maggie winced. Type cast in a role for which she never auditioned. Excuse after excuse for her own behavior seemed to rise up like some psychic bile, but she shook her head, but not merely in self-recrimination.
“I’m not a baby, daddy. Stop it.”
Nancy leaned closer to her and touched her arm, evoking another wince. Before she could object, Nancy spoke with a near rebuke; perhaps for all of them.
“No, you’re not. You’re our daughter, and we do love you, but we hate what we’ve all become. No more just crying and saying we’re sorry to each other. If we want something, we’ll ask. Very carefully, and maybe with everyone understanding that there are no guarantees." Cam took his hand and wiped his tears from his face as he nodded in agreement. He took Nancy’s lead.
“If we need something? Really need? We still ask, okay?”
Glynnis looked up into his face and at least felt that things would improve. That they could actually stop pretending. And while that was a very good thing, she still burst into tears and ran down the hall to her room. Nancy was tempted to get up to run and fix the hurt, but Glynnis needed to have a much needed father-to-daughter moment or even an hour or so of talking with rather than at each other. As Cam walked down the hall, Nancy said loud enough for him to hear,
“Maggie and I are going to go get some dinner. We’ll be back after Glynnie calls us with the ‘all clear,’ okay?”
Cam laughed softly to himself and shouted out ‘okay’ before knocking on his daughter’s bedroom door.
“Glynnie? Can I come in?” he said as he knocked on the door. A few moments passed as he heard the front door open and close, signaling Nancy and Maggie’s departure. And a few moments later the bedroom door opened, revealing a very upset Glynnis Davison.
Her expression was a mixture of sadness and anger, and she stepped close and began pounding on her father’s chest with open hands. Cam was tempted to embrace her, but years of frustration don’t vanish with a rueful hug, and she needed to know that he knew how hurt she was. After a few minutes, her slaps ebbed into her own attempt at a hug. A cautious, wary hug that let Cam know it might not be comfortable, but it indeed was safer for both of them to resume reconstructing their relationship.
Beloved, gaze in thine own heart
The holy tree is growing there;
From joy the holy branches start
And all the trembling flowers they bear.
At the hospital in the family room later that evening…
Kevin was propped up against the back of the reasonably comfortable couch. The television was muted, and the remote had gone missing, leaving him with a documentary about migratory birds sans closed caption. Kelly had drifted off to sleep, and the nurses ushered Kevin into the family room with the proviso that he’d be alerted for anything new.
He stared at the door. With no serious harm, Kelly would return home tomorrow with the major issue being a discussion on why she had been so distracted in the first place. He had lapsed into his “Kevin is put out default’ and promised himself he’d confront his child the moment they got home. Between the dull silence of the television and his self-pitying mood, he started to drift off…
“Honey? Your father expects you to do well. What’s wrong with that?” A voice seemed to soothe and accuse in a moment – a voice from his past. Visions of hasty arguments and sad expectations led the boy to spend every bit of his energy pleasing his father. It was only after his father’s passing and his discovery of his one true love that the boy moved slowly into freedom. But that freedom never changed how he viewed things, despite that true love, and every bit of unspoken demands led him to treat his own child exactly like his father treated him. Eamon O’Meara’s legacy to his grandchild was that love is earned, and failure brings indifference and shame.
“Kevin?” Another sweeter, softer voice spoke with no accusation, but still with a firmness Kevin’s heart required.
“She’s your daughter, Kevin. Never let your father dictate how to love your own child. She has a heart that is still being mended, mo chroi, and only you can let her know that she is exactly as the creator intended. Speak softly and kindly and remember how much she loves you? And never forget our love. But you will need help.”
He wanted to protest and agree at the same time with the voice. He was never suited to parent alone, but then again who ever is at the beginning. He blinked his eyes, wishing the voice to be true. It was a dream, wasn’t it?
“You are free from your own past, and you can help free your daughter as well. But you must also step into what has been prepared for you since the beginning of time.” He wanted to argue alone this time. Kevin felt entirely incapable of being the father he was meant to be – that understandable but still self-centered argument against the future. He could and must apprehend his blessing as his daughter’s father. But the voice spoke again.
“You shall be everything to her that you can. But you shall also be everything to another, Caoimhín Ó Meadhra. You never forgot our love. Forget not your own heart here and now, mo daor lómhara? I will always love you. Be at peace.”
Kevin found himself staring blankly ahead; his last memory of the voice had been accompanied by a visage he would never again behold this side of heaven. He blinked back the tears only briefly before the face of his beloved Heather passed out of his mind, leaving him to put his head back against the couch to weep….
To be continued…
The Two Trees
Performed by the composer,
Loreena McKennit
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chU3ZZ67-VI
Previously… Outside Karen’s house…
“I had a wonderful time tonight.” Kevin’s words formed an unasked question. Karen nodded.
“I know it’s soon, but maybe we can do something together?” She looked off into the night. Kevin understood. Romance certainly wasn’t his forte, but he felt almost left out of the equation, Nevertheless, the new and improved Kevin O’Meara was finally thinking with his heart. He nodded and smiled.
“I need to talk with her first, okay?” While Karen was not going to assume anything, between what she felt in her heart and what she believed Heather had spoken to her from above, she trusted that Kelly would understand. No promises. No assurances. Nothing but two adults who almost desperately came to collaborate on giving unconditional love to a girl who was just beginning to find her place in the world.
Remembering all that shaken hair
And how the winged sandals dart
Thine eyes grow full of tender care
Beloved gaze in thine own heart
On Kelly’s front step, a few days later…
“You want to go to Moira’s?” Glynnis smiled at Kelly. Spending time alone seemed to trouble Kelly for a variety of understandable if even sad reasons. Kelly nodded gingerly; the idea of spending time with the few girls who knew and essentially were her ‘sisters’ appealed to her more than isolating herself.
“You don’t have to. I can call her and say another time? But…” Glynnis touched Kelly’s face gently.
“It’s not your fault. None of this is.” She looked away and across the room to the bedroom window, as if she could see all around the town to where Pauli’s choices had touched them and others.
“It was all about….” Thankfully no one she knew had been visited in their childhood by the abuse Pauli and his sister had endured. It did not excuse his behavior but it certainly explained it. Kelly nodded.
“I…. I feel sorry for him.” Glynnis sounded almost apologetic; odd given that he had accosted her. But Kelly nodded again.
“He was never…It’s like everything has been taken from him. He tried to… I don’t know… show he was…. Sorry.” Kelly stopped and began to tear up.
“Trying to be something… someone he isn’t?” Glynnis touched Kelly’s face again and kissed her cheek.
“I… I think I’d like to go, if that’s still okay?” Kelly practically pleaded. Glynnis nodded back.
“It’ll be fun….” Glynnis hoped it would be fun. Moira and her girlfriend Gina and Glynnis and Kelly and Maggie. The thought pulled at her for some reason until she realized that everybody was paired off except for her sister. She sighed but regrouped enough to repeat,
“It’ll be fun.”
At O'Conner’s later that afternoon….
“I forgot to tell you,” Glynnis looked at Kelly and half –frowned.
“It’s a sleepover.”
“No… I can’t,” Kelly said. Even with an understanding aunt and uncle and cousin, guilt and shame still dogged her almost unmercifully. As she stepped into the house an unexpected figure stood next to her uncle.
“Hey….” Kevin stepped closer and hugged Kelly awkwardly.
“Tommy asked if I could hang around since the house will be filled with nothing but him and a lot of ladies.” He stammered a bit at the end. It still was a bit difficult to think of Kelly as a lady, young or otherwise. But the heart can see what the mind misses and he smiled at her; almost a proud moment at the idea that his little child was actually growing into womanhood. Kelly blushed as the hug ended.
“Have a good time….” He paused as he recalled what Karen had said to him about Kelly’s need to be affirmed. He continued, even if the words were more awkward than the hug just moment ago.
“Honey.” The word itself was as affirming as anyone could have managed, but it still had an effect no one could have anticipated. Kelly burst into tears and ran down the hallway into Moira’s bedroom, only to find Moira and Gina trying on clothes as they stood in their ‘altogether,’ as Fiona was wont to say.
“I’m sorry,” Kelly stammered. Gina waved sheepishly in her own small embarrassment even as Moira spoke words that only added to Kelly’s confusion and shame.
“It’s okay, Cuz. We’re all girls here.” Kelly began to shake. Gina stepped closer to comfort her but she pushed away and ran into Moira’s bathroom, slamming the door quite unintentionally.
“MOM?” Moira called out only to find Fiona already swiftly walking into the bedroom.
“Why don’t you two go order the food and maybe you and Glynnie and Maggie can go with your Dad and Uncle Kev?” She shooed them out of the room, but her smile let them know that it was okay and that they had pretty much done a good thing even if it was taken completely if understandably wrong.
“Call us when you get back?” Gina tugged at Moira’s arm and nodded, and both girls quickly got dressed and left the bedroom.
For all things turn to bareness
In the dim glass the demons hold
The glass of outer weariness
Made when God slept in times of old
A bit later…
The bathroom door opened and Kelly peeked out.
“Coast’s clear, Kel.” Fiona said cautiously. Kelly stepped out into the bedroom. Her face was still red from crying. Fiona patted the bed and sat down. Kelly hesitated for a few moments but gave in and walked quickly to her aunt; nestling against her as she sobbed. Fiona stroked her hair.
“You know, baby, we have hardly spent any time just by ourselves. You are so special to me…to us of course, but especially to me.” Kelly pulled back a bit and looked askance at her aunt.
“Even before you began to ‘show up’ you reminded me of her….but now? It’s like Heather is alive in you. You’re your own girl, but you are so much like your mother.”
“No, Aunt Fi…no…” Kelly began to shake her head but Fiona put her finger to Kelly’s lips in a gentle gesture. Fiona wiped away the tears that fell freely from her own eyes and smiled.
“I am so proud of you, Kelly. I am so very glad you are alive in in our lives.”
“I don’t feel…alive.” Kelly shook her head slightly, more out of fatigue than denial. Fiona squeezed Kelly’s arms.
“You’re coming out of a very long time where Kelly had to sleep… keep quiet because you could not have known how you would been received. I am so sorry for that. It’s so much my fault.” Kelly shook her head no, owning all of the needless shame and guilt.
“No, Sweet Girl. I should have said something before you had to show your father. Your mother made us promise…” Fiona put her hand to her face. Life can be so confusing and expectations, even well-intended ones, can be unrealistic. She smiled and kissed Kelly’s hands.
“When we… When we knew there was no more hope… Your mother made us promise….”
“Us? Promise? I don’t understand.”
“She knew her time… Her time was ending, honey. The first thing she said was ‘Take care of my boy.’” Kelly winced at the word boy. Fiona shook her head no but her face was bright and loving.
“Oh, no, Kelly. Not you. Heather …Your mother always called your father ‘My boy.’ ‘Take care of him. He has too much to give and no way of knowin’ how to show it. Nor any way of receiving love.’”
“Dad? Love?” Kelly felt guilty as soon as the words left her lips. He had been loving of late; an awakening of his own.
“I’m sorry, Aunt Fi…. He’s trying.”
“Yes he is…both ways.”
“Both ways?”
“He wants to love you for who you are. I think you crying isn’t because he doesn’t care but because finally he does care for Kelly. He knows you at last as a daughter, and it’s almost too hard to take in all at once, right?” Kelly nodded and Fiona continued.
“She said to us, “And take care of my sweet….girl.” Fiona gasped and Kelly took her own turn at providing solace as she hugged her aunt.
“I am so sorry I didn’t talk to Kevin…your dad…but now? It’s still us who were tasked to make sure the sweet girl was okay.”
“You keep saying us? Us?”
“Me and your Mam’s best friend.”
“K…Karen?”
“You notice that she says ‘there’s my girl?’ when she sees you or asks about you? That’s Heather talking… why we both have said it now that you’ve come out of hiding. There’s MY girl means there’s our girl… Karen’s. Mine, and your Mam. We love you, but I think Karen loves you much more than she’s been able to show. But that’s changing….in so many ways.
“Like with Dad? But…” Kelly began to shake her head.
“Well, you’re your own person, and I can’t tell you how to feel, but leaving your father aside for the moment, I must say I can’t think of a single soul who loves you more than our Miss Karen, yes?” Even as the words drifted out like a covering, Kelly smiled while once again returning to her recently-acquired emotional default as she began to sob happy tears. Tears mixed with only a bit of the bitter but mostly sweet, comforting and peaceful as she wept quietly in Fiona’s arms.
“Shuuuhhh…shuuhhh,” Fiona repeated while repeating.
“You are loved, dear sweet Kelly O’Meara. You are loved."
Later that night…
All the girls except for Kelly sat in a circle on the floor. Moira waved to Kelly to come over, but the girl stood by the bedroom door before speaking.
“I’m going to…” Kelly put her head down and started walking into the hallway toward the living room. Glynnis began to get up but her sister Maggie put her hand up.
“Let me, sis?” Glynnis shook her head slightly.
“Please? It’s really important to me.”
“Oh…okay,” Glynnis replied with a quizzical look. Maggie caught the expression.
“I think I need to talk to her as much as she may need someone to talk to, Okay?” Glynnis nodded and smiled and Maggie trailed Kelly down the hallway.
“I wish Maggie had someone,” Gina said as she smiled at Moira. The girls nodded as well even as Glynnis sighed. Apart from her mother and father, the two most precious people in her life were just down the hallway, and she hoped that both might have something the other needed. They did.
A few moments later…
Fiona sat on the sofa curled up with latest Fantastic Beasts book. She peered over her reading glasses to find Kelly and Maggie standing awkwardly at the archway into the living room. They went to turn but Fiona waved and spoke.
“I have some reading and it looks like you two need some time alone.” Maggie’s eyes widened in embarrassment until Fiona added.
“Girls sometimes need to talk when Ainten and Oncle are out of the room, aye. You two are the best of friends, and probably could teach me a thing or two.” She turned her attention to Kelly.
“Your father and your uncle are out doing guy things. If you need us, Miss Rowlings and I will be down the hall in my bedroom.” She got up and walked over.
“Night ‘lessin’ we’re needed, dear girls.” She kissed them both on their foreheads and walked down to her room.
“You okay talking?” Maggie asked even as she gently guided Kelly to the sofa Fiona had just vacated. Sitting them both down, she held her arms wide, but seemed to be asking for rather than offering a hug. Kelly obliged almost sheepishly.
“We’re friends, right?” Maggie asked but continued.
“We’ve all know each other since we were all at Helen Morgan Elementary. And you…You and Glynnie… like forever?” Kelly winced, since her life up to only a few months ago excluded Kelly herself in a way while her father held onto the understandable if dramatically incorrect assumption that he had a son named Kevin.
“I sorta liked Bobby Kapusta but he moved away. And then I was really…” Her eyes grew teary.
“Violet Corrigan kissed me when we were all at Sparta Middle School, but her Mom got…. When I started drinking I wasn’t so nice to be around.” She didn’t have to go further but she did.
“Everybody didn’t like Daddy … you know how he was? Sure you do… Glynnie tells you everything. She loves Daddy, but it was so hard. Mrs. Corrigan said I was…just like Daddy…” Her voice almost drifted into a sing-song mixed with soft weeping.
“I hate myself,” she said, echoing words and thoughts Kelly hat also felt for so long. Kelly pulled her best friend 1.5 into a hug.
“I know….” She repeated as she rocked Maggie in her arms. Father issues? Identity Issues? Even sad laments of love that only a teenage girl could understand. She repeated,
“I know…I know…”
It might have seemed contrived. Glynnis did share with Maggie everything that Kelly would allow but Maggie’s hurts and needs were immediate and genuine. It was really foreordained, since Maggie needed someone outside of her sister to understand, since sisters have to, don’t they?
And Kelly needed to listen and care and be there for Maggie, since in helping Maggie, she was reminded that she wasn’t the only girl who felt out-of-place and rejected. And she also realized that even if she had come into girlhood late, there were some who knew all along that while she may have been christened as Kevin Junior, everyone she cared for knew it was baby Kelly O’Meara her mother gave birth to nearly seventeen years ago.
Remembering all that shaken hair
And how the winged sandals dart
Thine eyes grow full of tender care
Beloved gaze in thine own heart
Glynnis smiled at Moira and Gina; asleep on the bed cuddled in each other’s arms. Even if they were a bit flirty at times, the girls remained chaste so to speak; out of their own respect for each other since Morira's parents and Gina’s mother trusted the girls to being navigators of their own course a wee bit.
Glynnis crept down the hallway. She stepped quietly into the living room. Maggie had fallen asleep in Kelly’s lap. And Kelly looked at Glynnis; almost in apology, but Glynnis shook her head.
“She’s needed someone besides just me and Mommy to talk with, and I guess it’s why you needed to be here?" She whispered and sat down next to Kelly. Kissing her index finger she placed it on her sleeping sister’s cheek. Kelly stared at Maggie and did not notice Glynnis leaning close.
“And for you?” Glynnis kissed Kelly on the lips; trying very hard to be gentle. Perhaps a bit more sisterly than she would like but just sisterly enough to be what Kelly needed in that moment. Times would come where love was more than just acceptance, but Kelly needed Glynnis – period.
And of course the only one who was not crying at that moment was Maggie; adrift in a peaceful sleep. Happy tears fell onto her face from both girls, however, so she did participate in a way. And soon Maggie was joined in blissful rest by her sister and the second best friend she would ever have….
There the love a circle go
The flaming circle of our days
Gyring, spiring to and fro
In those great ignorant leafy ways
To be continued
Ce He Mise Le Ulaingt? / The Two Trees
Lyrics by W.B. Yeats (part One)
Lyrics by Patrick Hutchinson (Part Two)
Music by the performer
Loreena McKennitt
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lX2D-mbS-UE