A good girlfriend, I would be. I think so, anyway. Whenever I see a cute couple in college, I find myself wishing I was with the bloke myself. Not wishing to be the bloke but wishing I was with him. And not as his gay lover either. Nothing against gay couples, of course, but I don’t want that energy with my boyfriend. No, I want to be his girl.
The cute couple seem so perfect together. They have a Danny and Sandy thing going on, with his Italian swarthiness and her Scandinavian blonde beauty. I liked how she playfully touched him whenever he seemed to say something funny. She was giving him a 'go' signal. That's what I would have done anyway.
That day, when I saw Sandy and Danny, cracked it for me. The Crying Game was just released a few years earlier and it made my spirit soar but not to the point of actually doing anything. Now, as the trendy phrase goes, my egg had cracked. Like a female wanted to get impregnated, I wanted to be a girlfriend.
Obviously, I couldn't just change gender presentation. Turning up for class in a dress would be scandalous, not to mention risky for my safety and college career. No, I had to slowly acclimatise my little world to my status as 'girl, not boy'.
My hair was already long enough up to my ears to style it a bit. Perhaps I could even get some blonde highlights. I could wear more unisex tops, more pastel coloured stuff. Perhaps I could even add a padded bra somewhere down the line.
My name, Chris, was easily feminised to Chrissy if I could just slip it into conversation. I needed to hang with girls more though. I felt no attraction to them but I did want to be accepted as one of them.
I started the very next day with the group of girls from my business math class. I was quite a math boffin so they were only too glad to have me pipe up some answers when they were discussing our assigments. I added a 'oh, i just love your earrings' to Claire, a rather stylish girl. The girls gave knowing looks at each other but said nothing. They did warm up to me though and we all went for a drink at the local.
It took me a few months to firmly place myself as a member of this group. After a few hints of me saying "Chrissy, you're such an airhead" when giving a personal anecdote, they finally got the hint. They even helped me with make up though nothing too obvious since I had to use the gents instead of the ladies.
Things went on smoothly till the second year when we had a transfer student from a uni up north. He had a Stallone-esque look when Stallone was in the movie 'Cobra' but he wasn't puffed up with machismo. I knew I had to make a move for him before the other girls snapped him up!
My chance came when our professor asked him a question in our marketing class. He could not answer well so I caught him after class.
"Hey, Tim, is it?", as if I didn't know.
"Yeah?"
"You know, the answer for Dr Skelton's question to you in class?"
"Yeah?", was this boy monosyllabic?
"Here are my notes on it."
"Oh thanks. I dont even know your name and you're so nice to me."
"Chrissy", i smiled.
There was no confusion on his face. Good.
"How bout i get you a drink at the union? I'll copy your notes while you have a pint?"
I didn't drink during or much at all but hey, if it'll give me alone time with this cutie, why not? I nodded with a smile.
"Ok let's go"
I glowed with pleasure as my fingers twirled my hair. It was long enough for that now. I have about half hour to make this boy like me. I'll giggle, playfully touch him and if that subject comes up, I'll be very honest. Honesty is better in the long run. Maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll get to be prove to myself that I can be a good girlfriend.
Student Unions were iconic back then. They had bars with relatively cheap beer and not much else. They had cafeteria with subsidized grub, hot and hearty. It was definitely a good place to get to know Tim.
It turned out, Tim and I came from the same part of greater London, albeit one or two towns over. We had grown up liking the same cultural landmarks. We were both rolling our eyes when Oasis' 'Wonderwall' came on the speakers. Not because we hated the song, mind. Rather because it was played to death in the previous couple of years. It was the same for Wet Wet Wet's 'Love is all around' which was made famous by the film Four Weddings and a Funeral.
"How'd you get so good at this?", it wasn't flattery. Tim was sincere, I could see that.
"i read up on the subject. There are a lot of good books in the library"
"Oh you actually study ?", there's that cheeky grin I had seen in class. I melted a little.
"mmm hmm", i smiled, sipping my drink.
I watched him copy my notes. I liked the way he silently mouthed the words as he scribbled them. We didn't have phones that could take piccies back then and it was a bit of a walk to the library for photocopying so he hand copied them. I didn't mind. I was enjoying the view!
"So why werent you at this uni last year?", i tried to fill in the silence.
"I did a year abroad in the States. An exchange program type thing", he said looking up from his notes, smiling at me. I was caught, staring at him. I hurriedly looked at my drink.
He continued telling me albeit distractedly about his life there. He even had an American girlfriend for a year, almost, but they broke up because she didn't see a future in it. He did seem pained about it though. This boy is the loving, attached-to-the-girl type, I could tell! I found myself touching my hair a lot.
"Hey Chrissy, can I ask you summat?"
"mmm-hmmm?", I squirmed a bit anticipating the 'will you go out with me' question.
"Are you a boy?"
My jaw dropped. I thought I was passing well. I fell silent for a few seconds while his gaze at me was steady.
"Ummm, what gave it away?"
"I guess your voice, it sometimes drops a bit. And you're not ....umm, anatomically..well,..you know", now he squirmed. He continued, "but look, I'm not trying to embarass or offend you. You can be whoever you want. I was just putting two and two together"
"Yes, Tim. I was born male, raised as a boy. But i've never thought of myself as one. I am planning to transition and live as a woman. Not now but once I start a career"
"Ah, i see. Ok, ok. I didn't mean to pry. I respect how you need to struggle to find acceptance. I have a gay cousin. Not saying it's the same thing but he had to fight to be accepted too..."
"oh, i see. Well thank you for saying that, Tim", i liked his comment. At least he was ok with it. He doesn't want me but we can be friends.
"Chrissy, would you like to come to the pictures with me?"
I was stunned...
to be continued
I got back to my room feeling very excited. OMG, OMG, OMG! Tim asked me out, I told him I was born male and he was still game for a date! Was it a date though? Or maybe it was just two friends, hanging out? He was, after all, the new boy and he needed to make friends.
I really liked him though, really wanted. Really wanted him to like me.
I called Claire immediately. We did not have mobile phones back then except for a few of us. It just wasn't a thing yet. I had to use the house phone. Fortunately, no one was home.
"Hello"
"Hey Claire! You're not gonna believe what just happened!"
"Wot, you magically became female?", she giggled.
"Haha, so funny. I got a date!"
"Oh my god! Who with?"
"Tim from marketing class!"
"What, that tough guy looking bloke? Is he all right with your...you know...situation", this was her being delicate, by the way.
"Well I told him, yes but come to think of it, I didn't specify if i was pre-op or post op", the thought occuring to me just then.
"Ok. Maybe don't say anything till things develop?", if they developed at all, that is.
"Right but can you come over on Friday? You know, to help me to choose the right outfit and all?"
"Of course, girl. No problem at all", I could feel her sincere smile on the line.
Friday night could not come soon enough for me. I was so excited to the point that I diligently avoided Tim in class. The one time we bumped into each other was on the actual day. He smiled at me saying, "See you tonight at the cinema?". I blushed hotly and nodded, "mmm hmm", smiling. There was only one cinema we knew so need for specifics.
We had already chosen a rather obscure film to us at the time, The English Patient. Tim rolled his eyes at the choice (boys!) but promised to give it a go. It eventually won a load of Oscars, that film.
Claire helped me choose black slacks which helped de-emphasise my lack of a derriere.That went with a blue blouse with tiny flowers. I wore a bar with modest breast forms and hoped he wouldn't grope them (but also wished he would!)
We met in front of the cinema. My girl friends dropped me off as they were concerned I might get pestered if I walked by myself there. Fair point, I suppose. I was not exactly unpassable but you never know...
Tim was already there, looking nervous. How cute, i thought. I waved to him 'hello'.
"Hey Chrissy, you're looking very nice", he didn't say 'pretty' which I had hoped for.
"Thanks, you too. Shall we get some snacks? It's a three hour film"
"Oh yes, please", he said as he took my arm into the cinema. I shivered with excitement. The date starts here, I thought!
This boy can really eat. He bought the largest popcorn box, hot dogs and nachos. I was hoping he would take me to dinner afterwards but with this amount of grub, I wouldn't be eating for a week! A girl has to keep her figure after all.
The film was quite a talky-talky film so we couldn't say much. I remembering thinking how handsome the Sikh man was. A decade later, I would notice him again in 'Lost' and in 2013, as Princess Diana's paramour in the film, Diana. That's Naveen Andrews.
Of course, the English Patient was a total melodrama. Of course, when the doomed lovers met their fate while being part, I had to get the tissues out from my purse.
"Hey, hey now. It's just a film, Chrissy" was Tim's lame attempt at comforting me.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just so tragic...", my voice cracked at the end
"It's ok, it's ok. Cumere...", he said, putting his arm around me. Perhaps the tears were worth it after all!
I leaned into his side embrace. His body was warm. I wanted to reach my arm across his wide chest but I didn't dare. I did rest my head on it though. I had never felt so excitement in my boring life. Was this boy becoming my boyfriend so soon?
to be continued....