On the cusp of living authentically, Allison Szymanski hopes for one final quiet New Year's Eve with family. But the best laid plans of mice and trans women...

Treehouse
By Marissa Lynn

New Year's Eve

Allison pulled the hood of her sweatshirt over her eyes. She zipped up her jacket, glancing at the walls, grateful that the steps to the old treehouse still held.

This is where she needed to be - surrounded by childhood memories and no actual people. Her dad had done good work on it, which was no surprise since he built actual houses for a living.

It had been her own little fortress of solitude, especially after her brother Connor became more interested in baseball and, especially, pick-up basketball.

She chuckled at how, for years, she could beat him at HORSE because she was better at shooting from long range even though he was the one who got a Division II scholarship. Of course, Connor had no idea he was losing to a girl the whole time.

Nobody did. Except Gina.

Even though Allison played basketball, it was off the bench. She, or rather Alex, as she was known, could shoot threes and pass the ball well, but her slight frame, which never filled out, gave her problems defensively. That frame left out football and she couldn't hit a breaking pitch to save her life, so basketball, her favorite sport anyway, allowed her sufficient jock cover.

Not that it fooled Gina.

Not when they hung out as kids, their two-year age difference mattering less than the one with Connor, since Allison had more in common with her younger sister. It was a matter of time before Gina picked up on it.

It was here in the tree house. The longer hours of daylight in the summer gave Allison free time to read in solitude, books she would have gotten crap for reading in school. The sci-fi stuff she liked worked as cover for Alex, but the romances were solely for her.

Allison remembered that day. The temperature was perfect, with a complete lack of humidity on a Saturday. She'd found a book that was "boy meets girl, girl likes boy, boy likes girl, problems ensue, boy and girl wind up together," but the girl was like her, except, you know, actually out. At some point, she zonked out in the best sleep she'd had all week.

She woke up to see her kid sister sitting there, thumbing through the book.

"This looks good. Can I borrow it when you're finished?"

"Um, sure."

"Cool. I'm guessing this was a good find for you?"

"What do you mean?

"You like a lot of the same kind of books I do, but Rebecca seems like she'd be relatable to you?"

"Maybe?"

"It's okay if she is. And if she is, that stays with me. Hold on a second, be right back."

Allison nervously waited, not knowing what to say or how much Gina knew. She remembered when she did creative writing things in grade school, she wrote and drew about a girl named Allie. She related to her, too.

Gina popped her head into the entrance, tossing a book of her own towards where she'd been sitting. As she sat down, she handed Allison the book, "Shadowboxing For Two."

Allison looked at the back cover, seeing the character names -- Ellie and Amanda -- the synopsis and, oh, it's "Girl meets girl and complications ensue."

Gina, smiling, said, "If I'm right, we're even. If I'm not, I trust you."

"You're right. I find someone to relate to in these books, but not usually this much. Books like that are hard to find."

"I can imagine. So, Alexa? Lexi? Rebecca?"

"Allison."

"Allison. If it works for you, it works for me. And I guess you're going to be the straight girl in the family."

"That seems to be the case, not that I can do much about it for now."

"Same. I think Dad would be cool, but Mom? She doesn't like the idea of me bringing a boy home, but a girl?"

"Yeah, she'd be fine with me dating a girl? But being one? And dating boys? I have to wait 'til college. This sucks"

"It does. But we've got each others backs. Sooo, does this mean you'll back me up more on movie nights when Connor wants to watch '2 Fast 2 Die From Breaking The Laws of Physics'?"

Allison laughed, "What? As if you've never driven a $200,000 car off a 1,000-foot cliff and walked away with only bruises? Deal."

It wasn't a surprise, then, that it was Gina who joined a much quieter Allison in the colder treehouse.

"Hey. What's up, sis?"

"Thinking."

"What about?"

"That this is the last family New Year where it feels normal. By this time next year, Mom may not want me back."

"What's normal? She may not want me back, either. But Dad's on our side and he'll be here today. Connor? Who knows? But maybe we'll have chosen family."

"Maybe. I just wish. I don't know. Maybe I should have waited to until the new year start HRT. I'd have been likely to cry anyway.

"Look, we're going to have good food. And at least they'll allow you to drink."

"Like you won't be sneaking some."

"Like I already haven't?"

Allison laughed. She tucked her auburn hair back behind her ears, tying the back into a low ponytail, attempting to psych herself into butching up as much as she could. "Alright, let's do this."

*****

Gina's hiding was easier, as her girlfriend, Miranda, had other plans for the night. And she was ready for Mom to give her grief for the purple pixie cut with the side part. But the lure of pierogi, made from Babcia Szymanski's recipe, was some form of compensation.

Sure, it was a bummer that Nana was at Aunt Connie's this year. She got the distinct feeling her grandmother knew, even more than her mom did.

Allison could make do watching sports with Connor, who was recovering from a knee injury, as long as she could make herself not wince every time he referred to as "bro."

"Don't get used to that, Connor."

Things were, as Allison hoped, normal until her mother came in, wanting help from her.

"I need to pick up the rest of what we need for tonight before your father gets here. Can you help me?" Sally asked, although she wasn't really asking.

"Sure, Mom," Allison said, not really looking forward to being alone with her.

"She's going to want to talk. I can feel it."

It was a short drive to the grocery store, but Sally was going to make it as uncomfortable as possible.

"So, son." ("Bingo.")

"I know you're doing well at school, but I hope you're finding time for a social life" ("Here we go.")

"Have you found a nice young woman?" ("I AM a nice young woman.")

"Mom, I'm busy. My grades are good."

"I know, Alex, but I worry about you." ("Where is the sinkhole to swallow this SUV?")

"I'm fine, really. How's it going at the library?"

"Really well, especially since we lucked out on budget cuts."

"That's good, Mom. Focus on talking about this and please ignore me."

As Allison stepped out of the SUV, Sally, with a look that felt off, handed her a slip of paper. "If you grab these things, I'll take care of the rest."

Standing in the produce section, Allison cursed herself for not already coming out to her parents. They had enough going on, with Dad having moved out while they were supposedly "working on things."

She put the bag of beets on the scale, thinking of when she stopped caring what Sally thought. It was at the end of her senior season. It was one of the best games she'd ever played, the proverbial rim feeling as wide as the ocean, 27 points off the bench, but they'd lost by three.

She fixed her close-cropped hair in the mirror before she left the locker room, thinking to herself, "This is the last time I have a haircut like this."

Allison let her hair grow that spring, also starting to be less concerned with looking traditionally masculine. Gina, her queer girl source, helped her out with prom. Allison and Laura Lindsay served as mutual beards.

To be more accurate, Allison told herself she didn't care what Sally thought. She actually cared. A lot. That reality caused her more self-hatred than being trans ever had.

With everything on the list in her basket, she searched for Sally, finding her next to the tortilla chips.

"Thanks, Alex. Let's get going. I'm sure everyone's getting hungry."

"Just a ride home. Just keep it small talk."

As Allison, put on her seat belt, Sally asked, "When are you going to do something about your hair?" ("Well, shit.")

"My hair is fine, Mom."

"It makes you look effeminate. ("That's the damn point.")

"So?"

"Don't be so flippant. Appearance matters and it makes you look-" ("Oh screw it")

"Fruity? Queeny? Gay?"

"What's gotten into you?"

"What if I were gay, Mom? What would be so bad if I were?"

"You need to start thinking of your future, the image you present to the world has to be-"

"Funny you should say that. I've been thinking the same thing."

"What? Well, why-"

"Because, contrary to what's going through your head right now, I'm not gay."

"That's good, but-"

"I do love men, though. I've met some at college who are mouthwateringly hot, in fact."

"Why are you talking like this? So disrespectful."

"I don't know, Mom. Maybe because I'm tired. Why not have Connor help you? He can walk fine. I know why. You wanted to corner me. I mean, it's not like I can just open the door, jump out and execute a rolling stop."

"Is it wrong for me to be concerned about you? I want you do the right thing. You're my son."

"That's where you're wrong. I'm not your son. I'm your daughter."

"Don't be ridiculous. You're a young man."

"No. I'm not."

"This is just some ridiculous phase."

"Phase?!?!? I've felt this for years. If not as long as I can remember, pretty damn close. And I'm finally doing something about it."

"What are you saying?"

As Sally pulled into the driveway, Allison said, "What I'm saying is 'Say goodbye to Alex.' My name is Allison. I've already started the process."

"You can't do this. You're being irrational."

"Mom, I've never been more rational in my life. God, it feels good to finally say it. I tried to tell you years ago and you never listened!"

"You're being foolish and you need to stop this now."

"No, I don't and I won't."

"I forbid it."

"God. You just. This is why Dad left you!"

Sally stood in silence as Allison stormed in the house, heading straight for her old bedroom, starting to put things back into her overnight bag.

Gina heard her sister's angry curses, stepping into the room.

"What's wrong?"

"Mom. She just can't stop badgering me. 'Cut your hair. Be a man.' No more. I told her. She knows I'm Allison now. She knows."

"And she responded like you thought."

"To the letter. Sorry, sis. I can't be here. I thought it could hold together, but it can't. I need to get out," Allison said, giving Gina a quick hug as she left.

Connor, by now wondering what the commotion was about, was almost to the foot of the stairs when Allison got there.

"Alex, what's wrong? Mom looked all pissed and so do you."

"She didn't tell you? Okay, fine. You have two sisters, okay? I'm trans. You want to come after me for that, too?"

At first too caught off guard, he said, "No. Why would I?"

"Yeah, well, thanks. But I have to go back to my apartment. Give my love to Dad, but I can't be near Mom right now. By the way, it's Allison."

Bruce Szymanski was looking forward to getting back home. He and Sally had been making progress, Sally especially. She'd seem to realize this was the wakeup call she needed. Knock on wood, this trial separation would be over soon and he'd be back under this roof.

He opened the door, expecting to be greeted with a festive family. Instead, he got no one? He walked into the living room to find Connor and Gina talking about something that they immediately hushed up about upon seeing him.

"Great to see you two. So, where's Alex and your mother?"

Gina and Connor looked at each other, before she spoke quietly, "Dad, can you sit down? And please keep it quiet so Mom doesn't come in here. I'll take this, Connor, since I've known about this longer. Dad should probably hear it from me than Mom."

Bruce's confusion was clearly evident, but before he could ask anything, Gina spoke again.

"Look, Dad. I shouldn't be the one to tell you this, but it kind of blew up. Alex, um, isn't really Alex. She's transgender and she's known for a while. She's on hormones now. Mom was pestering her about her hair and stuff and she point blank told her. Allison let her have it."

"Allison?" Bruce's mind was racing. He suspected his middle child was gay, but how had he missed this?

"I'm surprised, too, Dad," Connor said. "I figured she liked guys, especially after she took Laura Lindsay to prom. But who you're attracted to has nothing to do with you are. If she's attracted only to men, she's straight. Or bi. Or pansexual."

Gina looked at Connor. He shrugged and said, "What? I know stuff."

"Okay, okay. Where's your sister now?"

"Probably on her way back to her apartment."

"Alright, we can't leave her alone. Let me talk to your mother first."

Bruce sighed before walking into the kitchen. So much progress and now, this. "Stay calm. This is about our daughter."

"Bruce, there you are. It's all turned to crap. Our son thinks he's-"

"She."

"What? You're not actually going to indulge this, this fantasy, are you?"

"What I'm going to do is show our daughter, our newest daughter, that I care about her. I would hope you'd do the same. Even if you don't understand, she's still your child."

"I can't. You know how is for people like that. How can I allow him to get hurt?"

Bruce shook his head. "You already took care of that. Connor, Gina and I are going after her. You're welcome to come with us."

"I. I can't."

"And here I was, about to bring up moving back in. Maybe that was a bad idea, Sal."

Bruce left the room. Connor and Gina had their jackets on, ready to go.

Sally slumped down, elbows on the kitchen table, head in hands. She was utterly alone, having no idea how she'd wound up there. She just wanted what was best for her children, for them to be safe, to be right. Alex and Bruce told her off. The looks on Connor's and Gina's faces as they left.

Sally had clearly had stepped in it and she knew it.

"I've tried to be better and this happens. Alex up and pulls this out of nowhere and throws it in my face? No, no. You went after him. You pushed him, her? God, I don't know anymore."

Without even thinking, Sally went up the stairs, pausing to look mournfully inside her middle child's old room. "Did I know you at all?" she asked before finding the second, smaller set of stairs.

She stepped into the attic, sat down and started to cry, utterly alone in this by her own hand. She had no idea how long, it was probably only minutes, that she pulled her head from her hands. Even with blurred vision, she had looked up to see a box marked "Alex" sitting across from her.

Allison wasn't bothering to pretend at her apartment, her look basically consisting of ripping off "his" clothes in disgust, then switching to a scoop neck t-shirt and loose-fitting capris before she plopped on to the bed, clutching a stuffed tiger and unleashing all the hurt she felt at the rejection she expected finally happening.

Sally saw the boxes for the others. Connor had fit the first child script, a lot like his father. Gina was Gina. She had a feeling she was lesbian or, at least, what do they call it,"queer"? She'd wanted to confront her about it, but she knew it would be pointless. At least Alex felt like someone she could salvage, someone more malleable.

She took the lid off Alex's box. It was full of newspaper clippings, report cards, a somewhat dusty compilation of the early years of his life, her life, their life.

Alex, not as good a player as Connor, but still a key part of the team. He didn't seem to smile much in the high school photos, the ones for the yearbook looked pasted on. Alex had always just said they didn't like having their picture taken.

The honor rolls, always good in the classroom. She reached the grade school report cards -- "Smart", "helpful", "rather quiet."

"Didn't use to be that way. I remember when they were younger. Alex used to dance around the house."

Towards the bottom, she came some things in Alex's handwriting (they used to love to write), drawings with colored pencils and crayon. A girl with long, curly red hair, named Allie, in different stories who flew planes, was a superhero or trying to save a kingdom.

She started reading the last one. It read:

"Allie told the dragon she was a princess.

The dragon told her, 'Your mommy said you can't be a princess. That is for other girls. Not you.'
Allie said she told her Mom.

The dragon said 'You did?'

Allie said, 'You lied. Mom said I can be a princess.'
She sit the then hit the dragon with her sword. The kingdom was safe and happy."

The words repeated in Sally's head: "I tried to tell you years ago and you never listened!"

"Oh, my God. She did."

Bruce drove as Connor sat next to him in the passenger seat. Gina filled them in on how she'd been Allison's confidant, how she'd found out.

"So she knew you liked girls, huh. I bet I knew before she did," Connor said.

"But how would you-"

"Gina, you had a bad habit of borrowing my red pens and not returning them. There was this book named after a Fiona Apple song. Shadowboxer?" It was on your desk next to the pen."

"Something like that, not Fiona, though. I suppose you knew, too, dad?"

"Not the same way, but pretty much, Gina. I knew Connor liked girls when he was young. You were kind of the same. I know you hang around a lot with that Miranda girl, too."

"So you've got that figured out, too. I can bring her by now as my girlfriend, since the cat's out of the bag and all."

"Absolutely. So, um, is your sister seeing anyone?"

"Not at the moment. She went on a few dates and I think she might have fooled around senior year of high school, but nothing serious. She wants a guy who likes women and gay men aren't that."

Bruce nodded. He knew he hadn't been vocal enough, because Allison internalized things a lot more. Just like her mother. It wasn't a new year yet, but no time like the present to follow through on a resolution to be more proactive.

"Left turn at the next light?" he asked Gina.

"Yeah. Then three blocks down, then turn right just past the corner. Apartment 1E."

"Got it. Ready to meet your sister, Connor?"

"I already have. So have you."

"Yes, but you know what I mean. I just hope she's ready for us."

"Dad, she's been waiting for this most of her life. She's ready."

Bruce finally found a place to park, next to a pickup that looked like it came out on the losing end of a police chase.

As they approached the door, Gina said, "Let me knock, okay?"

Her apartment didn't have the memories of the treehouse, but it was a place for quiet and, shit, who's knocking now?

"Allison? It's Gina. Can I come in, please?"

Sigh. "Okay, coming." She set Benedict, the tiger, down on the bed and went to the front door. She opened it and saw- "Dad?"

"Hello, Allison."

Dad was looking right at her, but no words could come out of her mouth.

"Look, sis. I feel kind of stupid standing out here," Connor said as he stuck his head in so Allison could see.

"Yeah, okay, come in."

Bruce was the last to approach. Giving her the biggest hug of his life, he said, "Allison, I love you. I'm so sorry."

That unlocked the door. As much conflict as she had with Sally, she was just as frustrated that she hadn't been able to be open with her dad.

So, there were a lot of questions and emotions, catching up on so much lost time. Even Connor realized how much he'd missed out on.

Bruce couldn't help but see how Allison was so much more alive and animated, even as rough as the day had been. His phone buzzed. He thought about ignoring it when he saw the number, but changed his mind.

"Give me a minute," he said, stepping outside the apartment. "What is it, Sal?"

"How? How's Allison?"

"Did you just call her Allison?"

"I did, Bruce. You were right. I have hurt her and not just today. I've hurt you, too. I'm sorry. Look, I need to talk to Allison, if she wants to."

"I can always ask."

"Great. I just need to text you a couple photos. Hold on. Okay?"

"Got it."

A short time later, Bruce heard the telltale pinging. They were pictures of that short story, with the words, "Please tell Allison I'm listening."

As Bruce came in, he heard Connor jokingly challenging Allison to a game of one-on-one and tension-relieving laughter.

"Allison, that was your mother. She'd like to talk to you."

She shook her head, "I can't right now. Once today was enough."

"Okay, kiddo. But it might be worth your while. Here," Bruce said, showing Allison the photos of young Allie, the princess, those words -- "Please tell Allison I'm listening."

"Oh, my God. She kept those?"

"Your mother keeps a lot of things in the attic for the three of you. Allison, I don't know how much she understands about you yet and she can be terrible at saying the words, but she's been proud of you often."

"She has a funny way of showing it, but I'll call her."

"Great. You can use my phone. Connor, Gina, what do you say we go for a walk?"

With the apartment to herself, Allison hit dial. It only rang twice.

"Oh, Allie. It's you. I was awful to you today, for a long time now. You should have been able to come out to me earlier."

"Yes, I should have been. Do you have any idea how much it hurts to think that if your mom really knew who you were, she'd hate you?"

"No, I don't. And I'm sorry. So sorry. God."

Sally was hurt, but she couldn't deny it. Her own daughter thought she hated her. She had to listen and not count how many times she said "sorry." And that was just for a start as she resolved to be the mother and the wife she should be.

The conversation continued, Allison filling her on the times she wanted to tell her, how close (like the time she'd gotten buzzed at a party at Tom DeMarco's), the frustrations, how much Gina had saved her.

"You know she's-"

"I do. I owe her some apologies, too."

"Yes, you do."

"Maybe I can do it in person. If you all want to come back, that is. Look, if it's fine with you, I don't feel like cooking tonight. We could order pizza. Your choice."

"Sicilian double pepperoni, the pepp under the cheese?"

"You got it."

Allison began to realize it had been a while since she'd eaten. "I think we can do that. It's probably best you don't cook, since we have a lot to talk about."

"We absolutely do."

"Just one thing. Allison will be there, not Alex. Are you okay with that?"

"Yes.I mean, I'd be surprised if it wasn't you."

"Okay, deal. Just give me time to get changed and get ready. Then we'll head back."

Allison had too much in her head to overthink what she was wearing to see her mother as her self for the first time. Pants, boots, a purple sweater, simple makeup, nail polish to match the sweater.

Connor called ahead so they'd get there around the same time as the pizza.

There were no hugs, at first. It was still too raw for Allison. But everyone tried to keep things from being too awkward.

Sally apologized to Gina, adding that Miranda was welcome in the future.

She also took Bruce aside, vowing that she would absolutely do what it took to have things be what they should be between the two of them.

"Today's a good start," he said with a smile.

Later, Allison came into the kitchen as Sally was starting to make hot fudge sundaes.

"You're pulling out all the childhood favorites, Mom."

"It's the least I can do."

"You don't have to try this hard."

"They're just sundaes, Allie. I know I have a lot of work to do to get your full trust."

"I know, Mom. And I appreciate that," Allison said, turning to leave, before stopping to ask the question she'd held back the longest -- "Mom, can I have a hug."

It was a good thing that Sally hadn't taken the vanilla ice cream out of the freezer yet.

One year later

She tucked her hair back behind her ears, straightened her beanie, and leaned her head back. After all this time, the treehouse was still relaxing.

Dad had moved back in during the spring and fixed it up a little. He and mom weren't in a rush to move, yet. But he figured it wouldn't hurt to have it as a selling point down the road.

She put her head back against the back wall, closing her eyes.

The quiet didn't last long..

"Hey, Gina! Knew I'd find you here!"

"Allie. Look at you!"

"I know, right?

Allison sat down next to her sister, her auburn curls now past her shoulders. Even if she'd removed the makeup, down to the last trace of copper lipstick, there's no way she'd be able to pull off Alex Mode a year later. As if her eyes wouldn't give it away.

It had been a good year. Allison went full time and got her name changed. She even went on some dates, even if none had clicked.

It turned out Miranda's family, like Sally's, was English, so they bonded over Eton mess and the like. Connor had given up basketball but he'd decided to pursue psychology, with an emphasis, inspired by his sisters, on helping LGBTQ patients.

As far as Allison and Sally went, there were hiccups. But as Sally saw Allison (and Gina, for that matter) be openly out, she realized how unfounded her fears were.

Nana, who was here today, would have given her what for if she hadn't.

Gina said, "We should go back inside soon. Connor got to pick the movie, so-"

"Let me guess, some Gerard Butler action cheesefest like 'Truck' or 'Geostorm 2'?"

"Actually, no, Allie. He wants to see 'Shadowboxing For Two.' I'm telling you, the man has layers."

"And he knows stuff. But I can still beat him in HORSE."

As the two laughed, Allison remembered something. "Ooh! There's something I want to show you! she said. A few quick finger scrolls had her where she wanted. She handed her phone to Gina.

She looked the screen and saw "'Dragons Are Real' by Sarah Marie"

"Allie, you finished it! And the name is-"

"My middle name and yours. Yep. And it's something for both of us -- trans girl meets cis girl and complications ensue."

"Guess you did a lot of research back then?"

"Sort of. I wanted my first book to honor when we found out. My next one will be hopelessly hetero. Sorry."

"Ha! I'm so happy for you, though!"

"By the way, Gina. Look at the third preview page."

"Ohhh. Awwww," Gina said.

"Dedicated to my father, a stronger knight than he ever thought.

To my brother, who shows even more layers to how wonderful he is.

To my sister, who was my first friend, my first ally and remains an all-around great human.

To Mom, thanks for listening and realizing that I could also be real and slay the dragon."

They hugged again, embracing what their new normal had become.

Gina said, "Speaking of hopelessly hetero. Miranda has a class with someone and-"

"Oh, no. Am I so hopeless that the lesbian matchmakers are trying to set me up?"

"Hush, you. Miranda swears he's a great guy and she thinks you might hit it off. The way she described him, it sounds like he's worth a shot. We can double date, so you aren't alone, if you want."

"I don't know."

"Hold on, she texted me a pic. There he is."

Allison saw the mussed hair that stayed in control, tall, hazel eyes and, oh my. She said, "Alright, it's a new year coming up. I should resolve to give this guy a shot. What's his name?"

"You can ask Miranda in the house. I think it's Paul. Paul Murphy," Gina said, before adding with a wink, "Seems promising, right?"