Henry Dickens pulled his knees tighter to his chest, letting out the tiniest of whimpers for what must have been the twentieth, thirtieth time.

'No,' he mentally chastised himself, 'not Henry Dickens, Hal Dickens or any of the other names they called me, from now on its Paige, Paige Alexander and this is the start of my new life.'

It should've felt good, a relief but there was a nagging doubt in the back of his, no her mind, that this was all a big mistake, that it wasn't real, that Paige hidden so long inside Henry would once more find herself disembodied. A tear ran down her face to join the others already shed today, wetting her skirt once more, only the latest since she woke, full of expectation this morning.

"You doing anything today Henry?”

It was the same question every morning, a litany repeated by his father without any real interest in the answer. It wasn't that Dad didn't care but at seventy five and a widower for the last ten of those he was set in his ways and having his son sharing his tiny flat for the last few weeks had tested everyones patience.

"Thought i'd go for a walk.”
"Well remember to set the alarm, it wasn't on when I got back from the chiropodist yesterday.”
"I was in the garden.”
"It always pays to be careful Hal, old Mrs Davies in twenty eight was broken into last week.”

Henry sighed, there was no point in arguing, once Roger Dickens made up his mind on something that was it, cast in stone.

"Yes Dad.”
"Well I'm off for my lunch then, can't be late for Sally's Toad in the Hole.”
"No Dad, see you later.”

In the six weeks of their shared accomodation not once had the senior Dickens invited the younger to join him around at the cafe, not that Henry really wanted to share the over cooked veg and sliced gravy at 'Sal's Diner' but an invite would've been nice. Henry waited until he heard his fathers car depart before leaving the tiny bedroom they shared.

Of course, it wasn't just the room they were sharing but the bed too which felt somehow wrong even if they were father and son or maybe more so because of that. Henry mused on the double standards, if it had been mother and daughter no one would blink at them sharing a bed but two men, not done. It was far from ideal but Dickens senior insisted he share the double bed rather than sofa surf.

It was more comfortable but as the days and weeks passed by Henry became less comfortable with the arrangement, doing his best to minimise the space he occupied. The extra 'barrier' was one way though, Dad managed to fill every unoccupied inch of the divan.

Trouble was, Henry didn't know how to get out of the arrangement, oh he was grateful that his Dad let him stay when his lease ran out – that place was real cherry, this was only supposed to be for a few nights until he can get in the new place. But then he'd been sacked for calling out his manager over a descrimination issue and on top of that he'd been gazzumped on the new flat. Homeless and now jobless, his Dad's flat was a last resort.

To complicate things further Henry, the surprise late arrival for Roger and Amelia Dickens lived a double life. No he wasn't a spy, that would be easy to cover for, no, when your proclivity is presenting as the opposite gender having space to be your alta ego becomes very important to your mental health. The flat was great, he could lock the door, dress as he liked and his secret could remain just that, secret.

Living with his father was therefore becoming a strain on his mental health, his female persona was locked away in a self storage unit and even wearing his usual knickers was chancing things with his father. And now, on top of all that, Dad had started on about his need for space.

'Tell me about it,' Henry sighed to himself as he stared out of the tiny kitchenette whilst waiting for the kettle to do its stuff.

It had been a chance conversation that changed everything. Although very much a closet dresser, Henry was a regular in a couple of 'Trans' chat rooms, more of a lurker than leading light to be sure but 'Kiki' would often find herself talikng about stuff with a regular group of other 'girls'. She of course didn't know these people from Eve, but somehow that made it easier to share her feelings, it wasn't like they'd meet in the street, indeed she didn't even know where most of them lived more than vaguely.

Kiki "Not sure what I can do.”
CJ "Move out?”
Kiki "Where to, I'm broke.”
CJ "Good point.”
Katy "You should talk to Dore.”
Kiki "What for?”
Katy "She's helped out a couple of girls on here, she might have some ideas at least.”
CJ "Worth a try kiddo.”
Kiki "I guess.”

"Doreen?” Henry hesitantly enquired when the phone was answered.
The voice that answered sounded a bit gruff with a distinct North East accent, "Who's asking?”
"Hen, I mean Kiki, from Three Gen? Katy gave me your number?”
"Ah right, she said you might, so what's the issue Kiki love?”

And so Henry poured his woes out to another stranger, woes he didn't feel he could share with his father or his small circle of friends. Doreen was a good listener, she got him to clarify a few things during the telling but let him lead the conversation.

“...and thats about it, I can't stay sponging at Dad's much longer, its doing my head in, I can't concentrate on getting a job so I don't have the money to move out, its just like one of those snakes eating its own tail.”
"Nice simile lass, so what do you need to break this cycle Hen?” Doreen posed.
'Hen? Does she know me, do I know her?'
"I dunno to be honest, Katy said you might have some ideas? That you've helped out some other trans girls?”
There was a pause at the other end of the line, "Let me think about it, is this a good number to get you on?”
Henry hesitated in turn, "Kind of, if you text me I can ring back, I can't always talk, private like.”
"Okay, I can do that, now cheer up girl, we'll think of something.”

And with that the conversation was over.

Two days later things came to a head in the Dickens flat.

"When are you going to get another job?”
"I'm looking.”
"I can't keep us both indefinately you know.”
"I wasn't asking you to.”
"Anything on the flat front?”
"A couple but they all want big bonds.”
"Didn't you get that money from the old place?”
"Not enough.”
And as I've had to use it for living expenses its pretty much all gone now anyway.
"Harumph.”
"I'm looking okay.”

I'm not stupid, without saying as much Dad was telling me i'd outstayed my welcome.

I didn't crawl onto my strip of bed that night, instead I found myself aimlessly walking the streets before settling onto a bench down by the canal. I pulled out my phone and logged into the chatroom – thank heavens for mobile internet!

CJ "Hi Kiki, how's tricks?”
Kiki "Not great.”
CJ "Oh, thats not good, what happened?”
Kiki "Argued with Dad.”
CJ "Where are you now?”
Kiki "Down by the canal, I can't stay there any longer.”
CJ "He's thrown you out?”
Kiki "Not in as many words.”
Katy "Don't do anything daft!”
Kiki "Wasn't planning to.”
Katy "You ring Doreen?”
Kiki "Yeah, couple of days ago.”
Katy "Hang tight and don't do anything daft girl.”

It got cold after midnight so, tail between my legs so to speak, I crept back into the flat and settled onto the sofa for the remainder of the night.

We hadn't spoken when I left for my 'walk' last night and nothing was said this morning, Dad following his routine and me my own.

"You doing anything today Henry?”

Yep, same routine.

"Not sure.”
"Well enjoy it.”
Huh? Clearly he wasn't listening to my reply.

It was only when I checked my phone for the time that I noticed an incoming text had arrived. I scrolled through, not a number I immediately recognised, 'ring me, Doreen'.

"Can you get some milk while you're out Henry?”
"Er sure.”
I hadn't planned on going out but I can kill two birds.

"I take it you can talk?” Doreen's husky tones enquired.
"Yeah, look sorry about the cloak and dagger stuff.”
"Thats fine, so things have taken another turn?”
"You could say that, he's all but given me notice.”
"Not good lass,” she sighed, "Look i've got a proposal....”

It was a lot to take in and I wasn't sure what I should do about Doreen's offer. I was halfway back to the flat before I realised I hadn't bought the milk. To be sure it was a generous offer, my own room in her own home, she'd even run taxi service to fetch me. Too good to be true? One half of me was saying go for it, the more cautious side though was currently winning the arguments.

I simmered for two days, well one actually, the second was due to not getting private space to make the call.

"Hi Kiki, alright?”
"Hi Doreen, i'd like to take you up on the offer, the room?”
"Okay.”
"So er, what happens now?”
"When do you want to do this?”
"Tomorrow?” I proposed.
"Make it Friday, i've got a meeting in Sunderland tomorrow, text me the post code and I'll see you about lunchtime.”
"Thanks Doreen.”
"My pleasure girl, see you Friday.”

I sat and contemplated my decision, unless an alternative suddenly magics itself up, in two days I won't just be leaving this flat and my father but the city i've lived in all my life. Scary? You bet its scary.

I was at the door when the storage place opened, it might be a while before I can get back so I needed to make sure I had at least the basics of Kiki packed. Easier said than done, having your own place you 'gather' stuff and when your 'hobby' involves dressing as a girl, a woman, that involves a whole slew of stuff from shoes to cosmetics, underpinnings to dresses. Doreen suggested that it was okay to be Kiki whenever I wanted or needed to be at the house or even going out – well maybe not out but I resolved to embrace the opportunity and packed accordingly.

It took a good three hours but I managed to condense things down to a manageable pile that we can just collect tomorrow. Back at the flat I suruptitiously collected my stuff up, easy enough when you'r living out of a suitcase and rucksack. One more night of sharing a mattress, listening to the Old Mans snoring, watching the hours go by on the over bright digital clock at the end of the bed.

"You shopping today?”

Yes, a break from the routine, Friday is supermarket day.

I eyed the clock, "I'll give it a miss, stuff to do, might not be here when you get back.”

It wasn't the first time i'd missed the weekly trip but my stomach growled a little at the thought of missing lunch in the adjoining cafe.

"See you later then.”
"Yeah, bye Dad.”

I watched as he drove away to fetch the weekly provisions, 'bye Dad'.

Having not slept well and being generally on edge I was hopping about like a hopping thing, even now not a hundred percent sure I was doing the right thing. I gathered my stuff outside the flat and shortly before the arranged time, locked the door for the last time – well not quite, I had to reopen it to set the alarm! It was just two trips to take my meagre possessions to the kerb where I only waited a couple more minutes before a battered Toyota pulled up.

"This everything?”
"There's a bit more at the 'Yellow Box'.
"Okay, not too much I hope, its only a little car.”
"About three boxes?”
"Just kidding, come on, hop in you'll have to give me directions.

Doreen wasn't exactly what I was expecting, you'd pass her in a crowd without a second thought, just another older woman, maybe wearing too much makeup but otherwise nothing out of the ordinary. It was only when you looked a bit closer, heard her slightly coarse voice that you might question what you were looking at, imagine the family saloon growling like a sportscar at the traffic lights, it looks quite plain but somethings not right. Of course reality is only revealed when it moves off to reveal the sportscar stood behind it out of sight – that was Doreen in reverse so to speak.

We made the ten minute drive to the storage centre, collected the 'rest' of my stuff, well in reality, Kiki's stuff and started the long drive north.

"What do you prefer to be called, Kiki or Henry or Hal?” Doreen quizzed.
To be honest, Kiki was an accident, a persona I invented years ago to use on the chatrooms and it has sort of stuck. When I become 'her' I don't really think of myself as being other than me, there's never been anyone to call me anything, no one else has ever seen me dressed.
"Not Hal thats for sure!”
"So what do we call you?”
"Paige, Paige Alexander.”
my chauffeur raised an over plucked eyebrowm "Not Kiki then?”
"That's just for you know, chat rooms and stuff, i've always liked Paige and Alexander was my Mum's maiden name.”
"Paige it is then.”

The drive from the East Midlands to Co Durham is fairly simple, just follow the A1, the Great North Road er north for several hours and you're there. Doreen put the radio on but I was too agitated to take any interest even in what channel it was tuned to. Am I doing the right thing? Should I just get her to turn back, what will Dad think when I don't reappear?

My navel gazing changed to curiosity when we finally turned off the motorway system and I got my first look at what will be my new home. Am I really doing this? Oh I know I was down in Exeter for Uni but home was still Peterborough. This, this isn't going to Uni, this is relocating my life, resetting my existence in a new location, with new people, heck I hardly even know the woman sat next to me.

I didn't really hear what Doreen was saying as we negotiated the streets of Stockton, a place i've heard of but never before visited and now its to be my home.

"Just along here Pet,” Doreen advised.

It looked like many other early twentieth century streets, strips of 'artisan' homes, deluxe terrace houses to you and me, the one we stopped at as unremarkable as the rest. I hadn't really thought what the house would be like, well okay, in my mind I had thought it would be some Victorian town house or perhaps a modern semi, not that it makes any odds.

"I'll leave you to collect your thoughts then Pet,” Doreen advised from the door.

"Thanks.”

I sat taking in my surroundings for a good few minutes – Doreen had given me the thre'penny tour, wardrobes, cupboards, the en suite, shared kitchen, lounge if I wanted to use it.

'Well Henry, best sort this stuff out.”

First job though was to get changed, changed into clothing more befitting Paige than Henry. Nothing too fancy of course, just bra, panties, peasant blouse and his, no her, favourite billowy skirt. He pulled his hair into a higher pony tail, added earrings and a bangle et voila, Paige was looking back from the mirror.

Oh she was under no illusions, she wasn't pretty but with a bit more work she could be passable. Not that anyone except perhaps Doreen would get to see her. The last rays of evening sunlight flowed over the rooves of the next row of houses, where did the day go? She climbed onto the bed and sat clutching her knees, watching the daylight recede through the windows.

It should've felt good, a relief but there was a nagging doubt in the back of his, no her mind, that this was all a big mistake, that it wasn't real, that Paige hidden so long inside Henry would once more find herself disembodied. A tear ran down her face to join the others already shed today, wetting her skirt once more, only the latest since she woke, full of expectation this morning.

© Maddy Bell 21.10.2019