This isn’t your usual BigCloset story. It started out as an oral story, a tale to tell on a story-telling evening. So you have to imagine that you’re hearing me tell this story to a group of people at night by the fireside.

 

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Sit back, and imagine a retreat center in the country, where a bunch of families are gathered for the weekend for some sort of program. And imagine we’re all snowed in, the power is out, it is night and everyone is huddled in sleeping bags and blankets in the common room in front of the fireplace, the only source of warmth and light. All the activities the organizers had planned have gone out the window, so we’ve decided to tell stories while waiting for the roads to get cleared and the power to come back on, and it’s my turn. I’m sitting on the raised hearth, next to the fire, and I begin.

“I’ll warn you in advance,” I say, “I’m transgender, and since they say: write about what you know, all my stories are about transgender people and being transgender. So this story, about a brother and sister named Billy and Suzie, is as well. It goes: Once upon a time…”

Once upon a time a woman gave birth to twins. The first one had, as we may delicately put it, an “innie,” so they said, “it’s a girl” and named her Suzie. The second one had an, ah, “outie,” so they said, “it’s a boy” and named him Billy.

The two of them were alike as two peas, and if they hadn’t always put Suzie in pink diapers and Billy in blue diapers, no one would have been able to tell one from the other. Both had hazel eyes that drank in the world when they were awake. Both were born nearly bald, but in time grew the same fine blond hair that it was a shame to cut.

From their earliest days, clumsily rolling and squirming in the crib, they wanted to be together, and if they were separated, they would cry and pine until they were reunited. And when they were older and had their own rooms, they were always together. If Billy was in his room playing with his balls and trucks and blocks, Suzie would be there, too, happily making truck noises or piling blocks. If Suzie was in her room with its dolls and stuffed animals and dollhouse, Billy was right there with Suzie, making up stories about the dolls and the stuffed animals and giving the baby dolls their bottles and rocking them to sleep. If one of them got a bump or a scrape, the other would be right there, hugging them and kissing the boo-boo. And if one or the other had a hard day and went to bed crying, as likely as not they would be found the next morning cuddled together in one bed.

One morning, when they were five, Suzie got an idea for a marvelous prank. Suzie put on Billy’s blue jean overalls and NY Jets T-shirt, and Billy put on one of Suzie’s play dresses, so each could pretend to be the other. Their parents were none the wiser and spent the day actually believing that the child in the dress was Suzie and the one in the overalls was Billy. It was not until dinner time, when the children could not contain their laughter any more, that the deception was discovered.

The adults all agreed that it was a very funny prank, but the next day, they consulted with a child psychiatrist who, as it happens, had trained at Johns Hopkins and spent several years working with Dr. Kenneth Zucker. Soon after, their lives suddenly got busier and they never seemed to have time to play together. Billy spent most of his free time at play dates with other boys, and his father started playing ball and wrestling with him and taking him to ball games, and later, he was signed up for T-ball and soccer and, later still, started little league. Suzie’s mother started keeping her busy cooking and having her watch My Little Pony and taking ballet and had her join the Girl Scouts. Billy was given a crew cut, which left him inconsolable for days, but Suzie’s hair was allowed to grow out and soon she had bangs and wore barrettes and hair bands. Suzie no longer wore trousers, only skirts and dresses, while Billy had only jeans and T-shirts and sweat clothes, except for church when he wore a little suit and tie. They loved their parents and tried their best to go along and be happy, but they rarely smiled, and when they did, it always seemed a little empty.

Suzie rebelled first. At the beginning of ninth grade, she quit Girl Scouts and ballet and joined the girls’ basketball team, and though she wasn’t the best on the team, she was the most spirited. The girls’ teams didn’t have cheerleaders, but Suzie’s enthusiasm and drive gave them more ‘spirit’ than any team of cheerleaders could, and by her senior year, their team was state champion two years in a row. She spent her allowance on Tae Kwon Doh lessons, and did so well that when she could no longer pay, the dojang let her attend for free. When she graduated, her parents wanted her to go to the community college and study to be a nurse, but she won an athletic scholarship to study at the big state university, majored in politics and pre-law, and after college she worked her way through law school and got a job at a big law firm in the state capital.

Billy dutifully went out for football, but he wasn’t very good at it, perhaps because his heart wasn’t in it. He mostly warmed the bench and only got put in when it didn’t make any difference. The other boys would regularly call him ‘wuss’ and ‘pansy,’ despite his being on the football team, and one time a few boys ganged up on him, but Suzie happened by and together they drove the boys away.

His dad got him into his dad’s old university, but he didn’t join his father’s old fraternity, and he quit the pre-med program his parents talked him into going into and majored in psychology instead. After college, he wanted to train to be a child psychologist, but his parents convinced him no parents would bring their child to a male psychologist, so he got a job in human resources at a large corporation.

Suzie married Sebastian, a handsome and sexy lawyer in the firm, and together they “made beautiful music,” not to mention two beautiful children: David and Penelope. Suzie eventually realized that the firm would never make a woman partner, no matter how good she was, so she quit and joined an all-woman firm founded by some friends from law school. Sebastian was an engaged father and a wonderful lover, but he had expected her to quit her job and stay home and involve herself with the children and with the social activities that were so necessary for him to rise in the firm. So they divorced and he married Meg, a woman whose husband had dumped her for a trophy wife. Sebastian moved into Meg’s three-bedroom condo and had the children on weekends.

Billy also married, a few years later than Suzie. He met an elementary school teacher, Arabella, through a book group and they eventually married and also had two children: May and Evan. Billy was a dutiful and responsible husband and father, but Arabella complained that he always kept the real Billy, the part she loved the best, locked away, and after many unsuccessful years of marriage counselling, they separated. “I will never love anyone but you,” she said tearfully, “but I can’t stand living with you and not having you.”

December rolled around. Sebastian and Meg took the children to their chalet in Aspen for the holidays, while Arabella took their children to her mother’s for Christmas, leaving Suzie and Billy to spend their end-of-year vacation on their own. Suzie invited Billy to stay with her so the house wouldn’t feel so empty. The first night, as they ate take-out Chinese before a fire in the fireplace, they reminisced.

Billy asked, “remember how happy we were just being together, back when we were kids? I’ve missed you.”

And Suzie said, “I’ve missed you, too.” Then she said, “Remember when we swapped clothes, and fooled our parents? Wasn’t that fun?”

Billy: “After that, we never got to play together again. I don’t think we ever had much fun after that.”

Suzie: “Why don’t we try swapping clothes now? We look like we’re both still the same size.”

So Billy tried to put on one of Suzie’s dresses, and with the help of something called a waist-cincher and some chunks of foam in the bra, he managed to fit into it. Meanwhile, Suzie wrapped her chest in really tight Ace bandages and managed to get into one of Billy’s shirts. The pants were a bit tight, but she got them on. And when they looked in the mirror (after a bit of make-up and fiddling with the hair), they looked sort of like each other.

They looked at each other and they both said, “that was fun!”

Then Suzie said, “now we have to go out and fool the rest of the world.”

The next day, they dressed more carefully and went out to eat at a restaurant. They could barely manage a straight face, but nobody seemed to notice.

They decided Billy would be called “Barbara” and Suzie would be “Sean.” All week, “Barbara” and “Sean” did everything together as sister and brother, just like when they were small. They couldn’t remember ever being so happy just to be alive.

New Years was coming, and when they found out that there was a fancy party at one of the hotels with a band and a dance floor, they decided they’d go. Billy helped “Sean” rent a tux, and Suzie helped “Barbara” buy a nice evening gown.

(Notice how being a girl is a lot more expensive than being a guy?)

And off they went to the party. They got a table in sight of the bar and the dance floor, and Sean went off to get food and drink for them both from the bar. At the bar, there were a bunch of men hanging around, and Sean soon got to talking with them about the usual man stuff — cars, Super Bowl, dirty jokes. She was just another guy with the guys.

And she loved it.

Meanwhile, Barbara was sitting at the table, nibbling the hors d’oeuvres and drinking her ginger ale, when a tall, dark, handsome man came up and asked her to dance.

(I mean, aren’t they always tall, dark, and handsome?)

Well, Barbara isn’t any better at saying no than Billy, so off she goes. She doesn’t know one dance from another, but that doesn’t matter. He’s trying to tell her how enchanting and beautiful she is while he sweeps her around, but she isn’t paying any attention to what he’s saying, she’s just doing her best to stay on her feet, and sometimes she says stuff like “oh, my!” and “help.” To her amazement, she manages not to fall or to knock anyone over. When the music stops, she gets him to help her back to the table, she is so dizzy and discombobulated.

Well, Sean comes to her rescue and brings her some more to eat and drink and helps her settle down, and before you know it, another tall, dark, handsome man comes over and asks her to dance.

The next dance is a slow dance, so he’s holding her in a ballroom hold — you know, one hand holding her right hand up, the other behind her back. It’s kind of dreamy, but when the music stops, she notices that the dress is about to fall off her shoulders. She dashes off to the toilets, and fortunately just in time remembers not to go into the men’s room. Anyway, in the ladies’ room, she realizes that the zipper is pulled down and she doesn’t know how to pull it up. Another woman is there, and she pulls it up for her.

(that’s why if your a woman, you try to go to the ladies’ with someone)

And when Barbara wonders aloud what was wrong with the zipper, the woman makes a face and says, “probably your dance partner. Guys like to do that kind of thing. They think it’s funny. Men!”

She finds Sean among the guys at the bar, and he ends up dancing with her and getting one or two of the men from the bar to dance with her, too.

And then the band announces it’s almost midnight. They go back to their table, where waiters bring them small glasses of champagne. They toast the New Year, they hug, and they give each other a brotherly/sisterly kiss. They dance together once, and then head home. They’re partied out — Barbara especially.

The morning comes, as mornings do, though in this case it’s more like afternoon. They’re sitting on the couch in front of the fireplace after a leisurely brunch, made from whatever they find in the refrigerator, and Suzie says, “you know, I really liked being Sean. Maybe not all the time, but it was really great being a guy with other guys.”

And Billy says, “I enjoyed being Barbara, too. I’m sure Mom and Dad would say I’m not supposed to, but — don’t tell anyone — but I liked wearing a beautiful gown and looking pretty and having people looking at me.” He looks kind of embarrassed. “And having people ask me to dance and saying nice things about me. But — okay, it was nice having those guys want to dance with me, but I kept wishing I could be doing it with Arabella instead. But I don’t know what Arabella would think. Maybe she’d hate me.”

Suzie says, “why don’t we just try it a few times? You don’t have to tell Arabella right away; I mean, you’re separated, you have a life of your own. Besides, I’d feel better going out as Sean if I have someone I know with me.”

So over the next few months, they find a few weekends to get together and a few friendly places where people are okay with them being Sean and Barbara.

Well, things move on. Sean ends up getting to know a few women in these places, and before you know it, she and a woman named Catherine get to be more than friends; sometimes it’s Sean and Catherine that are an item, and sometimes it’s Suzie and Catherine. Catherine says she gets the best of both worlds, and eventually she meets David and Penelope and moves in with Suzie.

Meanwhile, Billy likes being Barbara, but flirting with guys at bars and clubs leaves Barbara feeling empty. Whether as Billy or Barbara, she misses Arabella. He’d really like to introduce Arabella to Barbara, but how? “I’m afraid Arabella won’t want anything to do with me if she finds out.”

So Billy and Suzie — and Catherine — come up with a plan.

First, Billy introduces Arabella to Suzie and Catherine. Well, she already knew Suzie, but now she has to get used to Suzi having a woman as a partner. It takes a few months, but Catherine is so nice, she can’t help but be charmed. Then they let slip that Suzie sometimes goes out as Sean. That takes some getting used to, but eventually it doesn’t seem all that weird to Arabella. I mean, if you spend enough time with first graders, you have to get used to a lot.

Then Billy and Suzie tell about how they used to swap clothes when they were very young, and how much they liked it. Well, Arabella is no dummy, and by now, she’s beginning to get a clue as to which way this is going. She’s a bit tired of this beating-around-the-bush, so she asks right out (with a knowing smile), “you wouldn’t by any chance have ever tried it, now that you’re grown up ... would you?”

So of course, everyone laughs, and when they’ve settled down a bit, Arabella asks, “so what do you call yourself when you’re dressed up like Suzie?” And Suzie and Billy tell the whole story.

It takes a while, but Arabella and Billy work things out so that Barbara is a part of their lives, though not all that often, because of jobs and kids. But the most important thing is that Billy begins to open up and gradually show Arabella, and the rest of the family, the parts of himself that he’s had locked away for so long.

In fact, Billy gets up the courage to pursue his old dream of becoming a child psychologist. He takes the classes and does the training and gets certified, and when he’s done, he quits his job and starts practicing with another child psychologist.

And there ends my story, though of course, it’s not the end for Billy and Suzie and their friends and family. You’ll just have to imagine how they go on and grow old. But I think it’s going to be a much happier life for all of them.

And though it’s not part of my story, it wouldn’t surprise me if Billy starts seeing some “gender variant” (as we call them) kids in his practice. I hope so, because kids like that could really use someone who knows from experience what they’re going through. Suzie and Billy sure could have.