If I should die ...

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I tried to go to bed but my heart is too full and I simply can't.

For the last week, I have had the extreme privelege of having as my room mate, an English woman of Indian Descent. She is a well educated woman who came out here from England to attend a convention I have been helping to set up.

It is odd, because for the last two weeks, no one has said anything about my being Trans to me, and I have not outed myself. Now, this very lovely woman is staying with me and while I think that she surely must know about me, we have not spoken of it and I do not intend that we shall. I have been treated like a completely normal woman, with the full dignities there in. Yet, when I look at the mirror, I think that surely, she must know. What an astonishing kindness she has extended to me.

We get along famously; cook meals together, talk about things together, and it is generally an extremely comfortable relationship.

She will leave me on Sunday night, to live for a short while at another place, and then it is off to San Francisco, and finally home to England in August.

I simply can not say how much this has meant to me, and I honestly do not know how I will return to the loneliness of an empty apartment when she is gone. It has been a once in a life time event for me, and I am already feeling heartbroken in anticipation of her departure.

So many of us live out our lives in a tiny apartment, on not enough money and almost no friends. I know how it is for so many of us.

If I should die soon, I am ever so thankful that I had this experience even for this short time. I shall never forget it as long as I live.

Many Blessings to you all

Gwendolyn

Comments

I'm happy for you... and I'm sure you can do it again...

Gwendolyn,

I am happy that you experienced this; These things are indeed important to all of us.

But we are our own worst critics. Don't sell yourself short, don't accept this as an isolated incident. I don't know the specifics of your situation, but I'd like to encourage you to actively participate more in society. Take this experience as a sampling of how life could be, and perhaps should be; perhaps even imagine that this is what you have a right to be.

Yes, there is a cost, and sometimes the cost can be great. There may be disappointments. But you need to create your own opportunities for good things to happen, to make your own luck. Empty apartments may be safe. But nothing is created there and nothing is revealed, as the song says.

Since you speak of a convention you arranged, you have already discovered one of the easiest ways to make friends and achieve acceptance in society: Volunteer. You don't need money to do that, just a heart. Keep at it, spread out, and spread your wings further.

- Moni

Um, well, I didn't exactly arrange it ...

But I helped with it. It and dealing with my house guest has kept me very pleasantly occupied.

Please don't anyone think that I am considering suicide. Oh, yes I will cry as if the world is ending, but I went through years of hell, and thousands of dollars to get the right to bawl when I want to.

Many Blessings

Gwendolyn

Berdache

In my many travels I've discovered that the people from India and Pakistan see the Berdach (sp?) as a symbol of good luck and prosperity. I'm sure she feels honored that you are her hostess and she will not say anything disparaging so not to lose the good Kharma. She most likely has a lot of respect for you as an individual for just being yourself.
Just being ourselves usually impresses more people than we think.

Jill Micayla
May you have a wonderful today and a better tomorrow

Jill Micayla
Be kinder than necessary,Because everyone you meet
Is fighting some kind of battle.

Berdache in India correct name

Hijra...the third sex. Excuse my faux pas but I am usually up and about before my brain is.

Jill Micayla
May you have a wonderful today and a better tomorrow

Jill Micayla
Be kinder than necessary,Because everyone you meet
Is fighting some kind of battle.

Berdache...

Puddintane's picture

...is a French term applied by French trappers and traders to "two spirit" people, all of whom had one or more descriptive names in the actual languages they spoke.

Many American Indians, or Native Americans if one prefers, or First Nations if one hails from the Great White North, are offended by the term, and it's exactly as dangerous to use as is "squaw" or "nigger" if one is not intimately familiar with the social context in which they might (just barely) be appropriate.

The word come from a long line of contemptuous or pejorative names starting in antiquity, which tells us a lot about several ancient European cultures. The French bardache came from the Spanish bardaxa or bardaje/bardaja via Italian bardasso or berdasia via Arabic bardaj meaning "kept boy; male prostitute, or catamite" although generously extended to female prostitutes, from Persian bardaj < Middle Persian vartak < Old Iranian *varta-, cognate to Avestan varəta- "seized, prisoner." One gathers that these people had never heard of the Geneva Conventions.

The key concept in all these names, of course, is that someone powerful and of the proper race, social class, or gender, has complete control over the bodies of these less fortunate individuals, and can force them them do whatever they desire.

Among most pre-contact native peoples of the Americas, balance (duyuktv in Cherokee) was highly regarded, and the various flavours of human gender and sexuality were a part of that balance. Two-spirit encompasses all those "balances," transgendered, gay, lesbian, bisexual, and whatever, part of a spiritual path not commonly taken, but well-worth respecting.

Post-contact, European homophobia and intolerance has infected many tribes who now seek to ape their white "conquerors" by copying their religions, prejudices, and hatreds, so hatred and prejudice against two-spirit people has grown, with corresponding reaction against "Western" terminology, even if the perpetrators actually lie to the east.

Two-spirit is much safer.

Cheers,

Puddin'

-

Cheers,

Puddin'

A tender heart is an asset to an editor: it helps us be ruthless in a tactful way.
--- The Chicago Manual of Style