Printer-friendly version
Author:
Blog About:
Taxonomy upgrade extras:
For the 2nd time, I had someone assume I had been married to a man. As the last time this happened, I didnt correct their assumptions, but I feel different about it now. I feel guilty, that I lied by not correcting him. I always wanted to pass, to have people assume I'm a woman full stop.
So why do I feel so guilty?
Comments
Nothing to feel guilty about
In our community, we tend to do a lot of hiding, whether it be from others or from ourselves. After a certain point, hiding those things you feel ashamed of or uncomfortable with simply becomes natural.
Hiding things about which you feel neither, though, is something entirely different.
Perhaps that is the difference for you? Do you feel ashamed or embarrassed about your previous marriage? If not, with your current state of transition, it would strike me as more surprising if you were fully pleased by the misunderstanding.
That's my take, anyhow.
Melanie E.
So why do I feel so guilty?
You feel guilty because you are an honest person. You don't have to feel guilty.
the oddest assumption for me
Is that I am my wife. I have learned to let it go unless it requires a signature or verbal consent.
We all learn to do little white lies to make social things go easier. What you are learning now are the feminine ones.
Hmm...
If you're in an area that allows same-sex marriage, you can theoretically correct them without outing yourself or lying. Just don't volunteer information if you don't need to.
If someone STATES that they think you were married to a man, you're not really obliged to say anything at all. If it comes back to haunt you, simply say that you were given a statement and not an actual question.
Who, what, where, why
Depending on the answer to the 4W's, determines how you should feel about not telling the person who made an incorrect assumption the truth. Will not correcting the person's misconception ever cause you problems in the future. Was this a stranger? Wa s it a work situation? Was it for something legal or quasi legal? Did you do something to cause the confusion?
Not correcting him was not a lie. Unless there are potential consequences, forget it and go on living.
Rami
RAMI
I could be...
I could be flippant and say "you feel guilty, because you think you should".
But, I know it's more complex than that. (And probably something you should explore with your therapist.)
If memory serves Same-Sex marriage IS legal in Canada. So, it's possible for either a man and a man or a man and a woman to be married there. The person in question obviously is not a long term "friend" else he/she would have known your history. So, this is either a passing acquaintance or a new friend.
Some things to think about (as they occur to me) when you think about why you feel guilty and whether you think you should or not...
1) Does this person's misconception hurt anyone?
2) Do you expect to have an extended relationship with this person where you might mention your ex's name/gender?
3) Are you SURE you heard what they said? (Perhaps they were quieter on the "wo" part of woMAN.) {And, in the future, you could always claim you weren't sure what they said so didn't want to make waves.)
4) Does it hurt you (in some way) to not correct this person's impression?
5) Did you "Agree" that you'd been married to a man? Or did you just let the statement go?
There's probably a lot of other factors that could be considered... In the end, only you can decide wither your feelings of guilt are merited or not.
Annette
Expedient Devices.
You didn't lie, you used expedient means. It's a nice little Buddhist term for neither lying or telling the whole truth. You do it for the benefit of your audience. Is it easier to let them assume you were married to a man? That's fine then. You didn't lie, you employed upaya. If the Buddha can do it, why can't you?