Dorothy Colleen

a near miss

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So last night as I was taking Sharon and Sam home, I almost had a collision with another car.

What makes it worse is I'm pretty sure I was at fault.

Now, nobody was hurt, and no damage done, so you could be forgiven for wanting to call that a good thing.

Not me.

I have always struggled with my focus and concentration, and almost all the problems I have had behind the wheel have to do with that, but today was a good reminder than a lapse in either while driving could have serious consequences.

dreaming of transitioning as a teen?

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Its pretty rare for me to dream of something related to being trans, but it does happen sometimes, and last night was a good example.

in my dream, I somehow got into trouble with a teacher regarding a dress code, which resulted in me being asked to wear a red bra under my shirt, which was white, and anybody could clearly see the bra if they were near me.

Then, one of my classmates asked me to flirt with a boy to distract him from something, and I responded I didn't know how to flirt, but she just told me to try anyway.

Gee, you think this would make a good story?

"All I have left is madness"

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So last night I had a dream.

In the dream I was in a room with three people.

The shortest of the three, who might have been a dwarf, threatened me with a knife, and I knocked it out of their hand.

Then I went to the other two, and said, "You've made a mistake. you took me because you thought I was a good person. But I'm no longer a good person. All I have left is madness. Now, you will let me go, or I'll kill your friend here and eat him, and make you watch."

I woke up before I got an answer.

I'm having a little contest with myself

Right now, "Resolution Evaluation" has 63 kudos, and "Night Shift" has 58 "kudos. I'm curious if "Night Shift" can catch up, so I'm kind of competing with myself on the subject.

Of course, "Resolution Evaluation" has 28 comments (half of which are my replies), while "Night Shift" only has 10, so its not likely "Night Shift" can catch up in that area before the contest ends, but it looks like the kudo count will end up being close.

anxiety and memory issues

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So all day today I have had memory issues - nothing major, just forgetting my phone, and things like that. Really just minor inconveniences.

But then as I was driving home from helping Sharon and Sam get a few things from the mall, all of a sudden my anxiety went through the roof and I had to take some deep breaths to try and calm down.

Are those two things related? I don't know for sure, but they might be.

Can I do anything? Only what I did, which was to try and ground myself.

ah, well.

hugs appreciated

Hockey in Canada might be facing a pivotal moment

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So the news is saying 4 current and one former NHL player have been charged in relation to an alleged sexual assault that happened 2018.

What makes this interesting is that Hockey Canada, who was responsible for the players at the time seemed more interested in making the problem go away, giving the accuser a lot of money in a lawsuit settlement.

had a frustrating day with Sharon

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Well, I spent 7 hours trying to help Sharon get medical treatment for her hand, which was swollen and apparently painful.

Rather than go to her own doctor, she insisted on going to an emergency room instead.

Well, they are called "emergency rooms" for a reason - they treat the most critical cases first.

So after 7 hours, she gave up and wanted to be taken home.

Any suggestions we gave to help were dismissed, and it seems that she has given up on getting help from doctors, and will go back to prayer and faith healing.

ah, well.

small victories

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So, about a week and a half ago, mom and I switched internet providers, and then after the technician had done the set-up, we realized he had forgotten to set up my mom's computer.

This led to me spending the better part of 2 days trying to get help to set things up by phone.

But today, I asked someone at a store belonging to the provider, and he showed me what I needed to do - there was a password on the bottom of the tower I needed to put in.

why would I apologize for crying ?

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So among my nightmares and flashbacks over the last couple of days, I had a dream where I was sitting with a woman, and for whatever reason my abuse came up, and I started crying.

But as I started crying I also began to apologise for losing it like that.

Now this was just a dream, but the fact is I usually apologise if I start crying, regardless of the cause of my tears.

I am not exactly sure why, it might be the "boys don't cry" thing, but something tells me its something deeper.

I might have to do a deep dive into my memories to find out, which scares me.

bad news, and PTSD

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Well, bad news about the apartment search. we had to cancel the walkthrough because of a blizzard, and since then, despite me phoning the man who was supposed to lead us through the place several times, he has not let us know if we can reschedule.

I've come to the conclusion he got a renter for it, and isn't bothering to even tell us.

If that wasn't enough fun, the last two days I have been dealing with nasty memories, flashbacks, and nightmares related to the abuse I suffered as a kid.

Hugs and prayers appreciated.

we had a fire at our building

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so about 2 AM this morning, a fire alarm went off in our building. at first, we didn't take it seriously, as we get false alarms all the time.

but when 3 firetrucks, an ambulance, and a fire chief showed up, plus when we started smelling smoke, we realized this time it was the real deal.

Now neither my mother or I can climb down 14 floors, and the elevators were turned off, so we had no choice to wait and hope for the best.

the level of talent being displayed by the writers here

the level of talent being displayed by the writers here, especially the entries for the New Year's contest, is absolutely amazing. Every story (except mine) has been a home run in terms of writing.

I guess I should be glad I'm better known for my comments than my stories, because I am not in the same league as some of you people!

spent my Boxing day getting mugged by a dog

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So I spent today getting mugged by a dog.

His name is Rocky, and he belongs to my aunt.

He's the kind of dog who basically has the doggie equivalent to hyperactivity.

He mugged me, my mom, my other aunt who was with us, and then started over with me.

He's famous in his neighborhood, to the point a couple of kids came over to play with him.

Do I need to even need to say I had a lot of fun today?

I am so sorry, everybody

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I need to apologise to anybody who got worried about my last post.

First a bit of an explanation. due to some passive-aggressive stuff by me, I ended up owing extra on my cable/internet bill, and could not pay it off this month.

I ended up rage-quitting with my provider, and then panicked that if I suddenly wasn't on for a while, people would worry about me.

instead, because all my manic energy turned into self-hate, my post was more likely to worry people.

I was already in the process of finding a new provider, so if there is a gap, it shouldn't be long.

Entropy surrounds me

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A long time I created a character who was cursed with an entropy field, making everything around her fall apart or rot faster than would happen in nature.

Well, right now I feel like I've become that character.

My recliner has fallen apart, joining my laptop which no longer will close, and my car which has had a few "hiccups" lately.

The end of the Girly Girl Experiment

The end of the Girly Girl Experiment

It's been almost 15 years since I first tried to share my girly side to the world.

And while I can’t say it’s been a total failure, the blunt fact is that it is coming to an end, and overall I accomplished very little that remains.

I tried heels - until my knees said no thank you.

I tried makeup - and only ever looked like a clown - a male clown at that.

Earrings? Couldn’t keep them in my ears, finally the holes closed.

the weirdest day I have had in I don't know how long

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Okay so Mom and I went to get our laundry done today, despite still recovering from the flu.

We use a laundromat rather than the machines in our building, because they aren't all that good.

So we get there, get our loads started, and this gentlemen starts talking to my mom, because she mentioned living in the northern part of the province, and he apparently worked out there.

I swear, he was basically chatting her up, but I wasn't going to be a spoilsport and tell him to stop.

walking around in circles

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Just when I was thinking I was making progress, it turns out I was walking in circles.

Mistakes I thought I had already learned from, bad habits I thought I had broken, all right back and staring me in the face like they had never left.

needless to say, I'm frustrated and depressed.

hugs appreciated.

massive unexpected expense

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Well, my lack of financial planning have resulted in me not having a cushion to cover an unexpected expense.

in this case, we had to replace our cable box, which is going to set us back just under 500$

with that, plus having to pay for my mistake with my cell phone - about 300$, I have basically given myself a headache for the next 6 months, as I will have to pay in installments.

I really wish I would stop making my life more difficult . . .

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