Dorothy Colleen

False Memories

Okay so last week, I had to get some cavities filled, and is always the case, they had to sedate me.

Once it was over, one of the nurses helped me get to our car, and Mom drove me home.

Except . . .

I can place myself in the driver's seat for the drive home, even though that is impossible.

And so I find myself shaken, wondering what other memories I have are fake, especially the memories I have recovered of the abuse I suffered as a child, as one of the few things I am sure of is my abuser used sedation on me.

hugs appreciated.

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minor issues with the new computer

I have been trying to set up my new computer, and for the most part I am happy with it, but I do have some minor issues I have not been able to fix. its mostly the keyboard, as somehow when I try the key for the apostrophe and the quotation marks, I get this instead: è È.

I have tried to reconfigure the keyboard, but so far, no luck.

It is not a major thing, I can live without them, but it is kind of annoying, and it has slowed my writing.

Ah, well,

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my dreams would make a blockbuster film

I swear, if you could somehow film my dreams, you would have a blockbuster. Like last night, I dreamed I was a police woman in a small town with a sexist boss when something made people in the town go crazy and I had to keep people from hurting each other.

See what I mean

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facing hard truths

I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with my brother.

I think I can finally admit I've been jealous of him pretty much my whole life.

As a kid, I wanted to be able to catch up to him in school, to be competitive with him at ping pong, or play the guitar like he did.

And even when we became adults I always felt like I was not as good as him. He managed to overcome his issues and succeed at college, and get a good job as a programmer, while I failed three times to get a higher education and barely managed to get a certificate as a Nurse's Aide.

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more adventures with dentures

so unfortunately, I have had a setback with my dentures.

I started having pain, but I'd promised my aunt I'd drive her to her doctors, and so went without them,

When I got home, I discovered the reason why - I have a couple of bones making their way from under the surface of my gums.

I will have to go see the dentist, and see if they can do anything, and because of the long weekend, I'll be making the call on my birthday.

Sighs, hugs please?

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grad party hijinks

yesterday, we went to a graduation party for my daughter's friend Jason.

And while there, I was introduced to a 4 year old girl who apparently decided I needed a hat to complete my look, and gave me hers.

We traded the hat back and forth, and then she upped the ante by giving me not only the hat but a small suitcase filled with her toys.

The whole thing almost made up for being called "Todd" the whole night.

Almost.

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2 encouraging dreams

I had 2 rather encouraging dreams last night.

In the first one, I was in a contest where I had to climb up what looked like a life-size pinball machine.

In the second one, I was back in university and realized I had forgotten to write down the location of one class, so I went to the office to get it.

So what was encouraging?

In the first time, I wasn't afraid to take a breath and plan each step I took.

In the second I wasn't afraid or ashamed of asking for help when I needed it.

and that's encouraging.

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some good news to share

Well, I have some good news to share.

First, I got the results of the CT scan done on my brain back, and it showed no signs of damage or anything. While that is good, it means we still don't know why I have word drop and brain farts.

Second, I am now on stage 2 of dealing with my dentures, which means I can now have solid (if soft) foods.

Step by step, I do what I can, and its great to make progress.

huggles for everybody

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A little bit of history

A little bit of History

I've been thinking about where I am, and where I have come from.

But I don't know how to share it, other than to use metaphors, so I hope that's okay.

It start's, as it must, with the abuse I suffered when I was a child.

But I've talked about that, so lets move on to what happened next.

The abuse had created a lot of anger, anger that scared me, and I labeled it The Monster and tried to lock it away.

"I'm the fuse, she's the bomb"

I have to share my latest dream, while I still remember it.

In the dream, I was on a quest, and had gathered a group of people to be part of it.

Once the group was assembled, I told them that one of them, a young woman, had a connection to me and to what was going to happen

I told them, "I'm the fuse. She's the bomb."

I didn't seem upset about this. In fact I told the girl, "Come on, lets go boom"

Then I told them we had to get to a certain location up on top of a hill on the outskirts of the city, and we began to travel.

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adventures with dentures

So on Thursday, I got all my top teeth removed, and my dentures installed.

The reason they put the dentures in right away is they use them as kind of a bandage, to protect the area from infection, and keep the shape of my mouth the same as it heals

So the last couple days have been kinda less than fun, but I'm slowly getting better,

Anyway, hugs still appreciated.

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its my 15th anniversary of being here!

So according to my account, I have been a member here for "14 years, 12 months" which means if my math is correct, its my 15th anniversary.

Thank you to everyone who has commented on any of my blogs and stories, and a special thanks to Erin and her elves for keeping this place going.

Best group of crazies I've ever met!

Huggles for everybody!

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my celling is falling down

so a couple of days ago, we noticed a crack in the ceiling in our bathroom, that had water leaking out of it.

we called the building maintenance person, and after taking a look he said he'd need to get into the suite above us, and no one there was home, so he planned to try again today.

In the meantime, the crack has turned into a piece of the ceiling barely hanging on by one corner, and the water situation is worse.

Hopefully this get fixed before we have to evacuate the apartment.

hugs appreciated.

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so yesterday was mostly a flop

So yesterday I went to the denturist to get a mold for my dentures, and it was mostly a flop.

My gag reflex just refused to cooperate long enough for them to get a good impression on my top teeth, so I am going to have to go back and try again a week from Thursday.

Sighs, I need huggles, anybody got some to spare?

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had an odd conversation with Sharon

Well, I just had an odd conversation with Sharon.

She told me that while she cares for me, and always found being with me "fun", she loved me and still loves me like a buddy or a brother, and was never deeply in love with me. She then apologized for not being able to feel deeply in love with me.

I'm not sure what to do with this. I forgave her, but beyond that, I'm kind of stumped.

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Piers Morgan and friends hate on Dylan Mulvaney.

I hate posting twice in one day, but I watched about 3 minutes of Piers Morgan hosting a "debate" on Dylan Mulvaney. the amount of just utter hatred towards trans people, the complete lack of respect or even treating someone like a human being was just awful to watch. It sucks to be a part of a tiny minority that has attracted the attention (and hate) of people.

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a near miss

So last night as I was taking Sharon and Sam home, I almost had a collision with another car.

What makes it worse is I'm pretty sure I was at fault.

Now, nobody was hurt, and no damage done, so you could be forgiven for wanting to call that a good thing.

Not me.

I have always struggled with my focus and concentration, and almost all the problems I have had behind the wheel have to do with that, but today was a good reminder than a lapse in either while driving could have serious consequences.

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dreaming of transitioning as a teen?

Its pretty rare for me to dream of something related to being trans, but it does happen sometimes, and last night was a good example.

in my dream, I somehow got into trouble with a teacher regarding a dress code, which resulted in me being asked to wear a red bra under my shirt, which was white, and anybody could clearly see the bra if they were near me.

Then, one of my classmates asked me to flirt with a boy to distract him from something, and I responded I didn't know how to flirt, but she just told me to try anyway.

Gee, you think this would make a good story?

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"All I have left is madness"

So last night I had a dream.

In the dream I was in a room with three people.

The shortest of the three, who might have been a dwarf, threatened me with a knife, and I knocked it out of their hand.

Then I went to the other two, and said, "You've made a mistake. you took me because you thought I was a good person. But I'm no longer a good person. All I have left is madness. Now, you will let me go, or I'll kill your friend here and eat him, and make you watch."

I woke up before I got an answer.

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I'm having a little contest with myself

Right now, "Resolution Evaluation" has 63 kudos, and "Night Shift" has 58 "kudos. I'm curious if "Night Shift" can catch up, so I'm kind of competing with myself on the subject.

Of course, "Resolution Evaluation" has 28 comments (half of which are my replies), while "Night Shift" only has 10, so its not likely "Night Shift" can catch up in that area before the contest ends, but it looks like the kudo count will end up being close.

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anxiety and memory issues

So all day today I have had memory issues - nothing major, just forgetting my phone, and things like that. Really just minor inconveniences.

But then as I was driving home from helping Sharon and Sam get a few things from the mall, all of a sudden my anxiety went through the roof and I had to take some deep breaths to try and calm down.

Are those two things related? I don't know for sure, but they might be.

Can I do anything? Only what I did, which was to try and ground myself.

ah, well.

hugs appreciated

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Hockey in Canada might be facing a pivotal moment

So the news is saying 4 current and one former NHL player have been charged in relation to an alleged sexual assault that happened 2018.

What makes this interesting is that Hockey Canada, who was responsible for the players at the time seemed more interested in making the problem go away, giving the accuser a lot of money in a lawsuit settlement.

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