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Its entirely possible I will never get SRS.
See, ever since Jaci came home from her operation, she's been sharing details of her struggles, and my mom has listened in on some of these conversations. This has led her to declare I should never get the surgery, but I think she has nothing to worry about.
Because I dont want the surgery badly enough.
Now, dont get me wrong, I want it. I want it pretty dam bad.
But if I wanted it badly enough, I would be on a diet of fruits and vegetables rather than burgers and pasta.
If I wanted it badly enough I would be spending my time exercising instead of playing on my computer.
If I wanted it badly enough, I would be saving money for my name change, and also for a membership at the YMCA where I could use a pool for workouts.
But I havent done any of those things, so the only conclusion I can come to is that at least the present time, I dont want it badly enough.
So my mother has nothing to worry about.
Comments
i understand the sentiment
but for me it is and probably will always be financial it would take me, at my current situation about 10 years, with nothing coming up to cause me to dip into savings, and if the surgery costs DIDNT go up (how likely is THAT to happen) just for GRS, much less anything else. and honestly how often can you go that long with no: car major repairs, long sicknesses, etc?
Terri
PS I can understand her feelings, if you hear only the bad parts, or bad operations, I would never get it either, but for the most part very successful, but I also figure, with my luck and history, If I can qualify at all (medically) I WILL have a bad complication.
Teresa L.
Oh, Dottie,
You probably know me enough to know that my viewpoint is effected by my chronic depression.
However, if I told myself what you have said in your blog, that would make me even more depressed. Just from what you say, you lack motivation. You could be afraid to try to lose weight because you might fail, which hurts more in the short term. If you've dreamed of something for a long time and "want it pretty dam bad", not even trying or not trying hard enough might make you feel like a loser, hate yourself a little more and make you more depressed.
You also might psychologically "need" your weight as a way to avoid close relationships with others. Few will be attracted to you so you don't have to risk getting into a relationship and exposing the you "inside".
Lack of motivation is also a symptom of depression. I don't know if you see a psychiatrist or a non-MD therapist, but there are lots of possible issues involved with fear of losing weight or just clinical depression from your childhood abuse. Genetics, like other family with depression, OCD, etc. is most strongly correlated to having depression. The second strongest correlation is traumatic events during childhood.
I think you are on an antidepressant, but I might have mis-remembered. Which ever, you might need more or a different antide'. Personally, prozac is the only SSRI that aided me in losing weight. Some others were neutral WRT weight gain or loss and some just made me so hungry that I gained weight, try as I might to not gain. Some times I've been prescribed a low dose antipsychotic because they raise dopamine and make one a little happier; the problem is that all antipsychotics I've tried boosted my hunger a lot and made me gain weight.
I'd say talk to your therapist about possible blocks to losing weight and talk to an MD/nurse-practitioner about SSRIs.
I think you are doing very well. From your picture, I see how you pass easily. Try not to worry about Jaci's problems; tens of thousands have had GRS and most have few problems or problems that go away fairly soon.
Also, do you have to lose weight to get your 'nads cut away? You might feel happier and you wouldn't have to take your T blocker.
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
A vagina is a lot to manage.
Let's just leave physical sex drive out. In the 6 years since I had the operation, it has dwindled to almost nothing. Emotionally, I do not want to be alone. I want a partner to talk to, to cuddle with, to spoon against, to care for and to care for me. I don't want someone who will emotionally drain me, or spend the day on video games or R rated movies. I want to go places do things, volunteer a lot, go camping in the woods and fight off the bears, and stuff. :)
Let's focus on just the vagina. A front bottom demands lots of care. It must be washed every day, sometimes twice. Sometimes mine smells like someone dumped a bucket of estrogen on the carpet. Premarin creme put in there with a syringe sort of thing stops the smell and the itch and burning after riding my bike. I actually do not understand how post ops continue to ride much after the surgery. I've found that wearing a menstrual pad thick bike shorts and positioning my bum just so on a granny seat works, for a while. The 180 mile trip to the ocean I had planned, if OFF! The razor seats, I think it would eventually have to be surgically extracted.
There were certain men that were attracted to me when I still had my tackle, but dressed as a woman. After the surgery, they all just evaporated.
We sometimes play a fantasy in our heads. We want to look like a hottie. In the time since I came out in 2005, only one or two people have ever said mean things to me. However I have to make really careful clothing choices not to reveal that my bum does not protrude, does not jiggle when I walk and is entirely too narrow. It is possible to learn the natural hip sway that many women do, but after a while it hurts my knees. Up top, I have nice B breasts that I grew myself, but they are for a 17 year old, not a 66 years old and some women have just assumed I had implants, so there is that tension.
Now, as to your voice, I do not wish to bore you, but I have said frequently here that your voice can change, and a lot. I found a speech pathologist and went three sessions at $60 per session. I could not afford more. So, over the years, I kept doing what she said. I worked on proper inflection, proper vocabulary, and as I practiced and listened to other women, it all just happened. Make "I can" your motto, not "I can't" full stop.
Though we're not close friends, I read all your blogs...
and most of your stories... Your blog today surprised me. It didn't seem like the Dorthy I'm used to hearing.
Renee had some very good points so I hope you'll think about it seriously. I've not had much experience with depression until this spring. I was weakened by worry about a loved one, and physically exhausted by a recurring illness and it's treatment, unusual for me, but I finally beat it down. I decided to live.
You should listen to those who have experience. I'm sure you know that most, if not all of us here care about you and your happiness. So please know, Dear, that you are loved for your caring, sensitive, feminine self and we don't care about your weight, except as it effects how you feel about yourself. Weight is not what defines you. You are very much loved.
I'll be praying for you. God bless you,
Ole
We are each exactly as God made us. God does not make mistakes!
Gender rights are the new civil rights!
thoughts
I dont know how many times I have said this before,but at the risk of sounding redundant, I gonna say it again...... You, my child, have none to answer to but yourself.Granted , your mother means well and doesnt want her daughter hurt more , but this decision on the surgery is yours,and yours alone..Now all you gotta do is sit down alone somewhere and just weigh what YOU want and proceede from there along the needed path..ok?? 'nuff said then.
Warm Hugs & Snuggles to you
To be honest
I am going to say something, and I hope you take it in the spirit it is given.
I don't think that you don't want SRS badly enough, I think that you're not ready for it. I've followed your blogs and your posts on facebook and I think there are a lot of issues that you need to work through first before you should even consider going through with the surgery. You have a lot of doubts about a lot of different things and if your online persona is the same as your real life persona, I think it would be a big mistake to go through with the surgery quite yet.
Once you deal with some of the baggage from the past and pack it away properly, then maybe you can move on. But from what I've seen, you are still trapped in the past in a way that is dangerous and harmful. If I were your counselor, I would work on those issues first.
I am debating SRS too, but whether or not you appear to have a vagina does not make you a woman or not and that is one thing that I haven't heard from you. having surgery isn't going to fix everything, including all those nagging doubts that you have. I too have a past, and it does effect things. I am nowhere near asking for SRS because I know I have too many issues that are being addressed. I don't know about your abuse, I don't know how long it went on, I don't know if it was one instance or over a long period of time, but I suggest you preform surgery on those memories and then you can move on to other things.
Katie Leone (Katie-Leone.com)
Writing is what you do when you put pen to paper, being an author is what you do when you bring words to life
I know I'll never get SRS
I'm in a spot where SRS would be totally superfluous, not that I ever thought I'd be a good candidate anyway. I'm too sexually oriented as heterosexual according to my current plumbing but I really would like to have breast augmentation. I'm a male lesbian, that is, I'd love to live as a woman, but still function as a male sexually.
Talk about screwed up, ... that's me.
Hugs
Patricia
Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.
Semper in femineo gerunt
points to consider
a post op friend of mine had a lingering staff infection. It was smelly, gross and a bunch of other things and it lasted for 4 weeks!
She told me it was all worth it once she got past that.
Dayna.