There is a difference between a foreword and a prologue, and here we have a prime example of a foreword.
When I first began writing this story, I began like I always do with any of my stories: I create a cast of characters to begin, and then start by putting them into situations that they react to. This was seeming to work fine, but when I got to the end of chapter 1 realized that I was missing a huge portion of this story.
You see, unlike any of my other stories, this was truly the story of two people, not just one. Decades of romance stories have told us that a romance can easily be the story of a single individual, but that’s just not the case. Any romance is two people coming together and forming a story between themselves, a story that binds them together.
Neither of my characters is more important to this story than the other. The only reason one of them get’s the A reel and the other gets the B reel is that I wrote the story for one of them first. That character will keep the preeminence for the rest of this story, however long that will last.
That being said, I personally feel that both characters’ stories are important. If you’d like, you are welcome to just read the A or the B story until I complete it. I’ll be organizing the pages so that they will separate the A and B. I will, however, include links at the end of each story to take you through the alternating A/B storyline where you will get each time period from both perspectives.
Personally, I think that’s the best way to read the story. It is, after all, the way I’m writing it.
The difference between your future and the many ‘might have beens’ is often a razor’s edge difference that only in retrospect means a monumental change in outcome. My life had been planned out for me from birth. I went to the best schools, dated the best girls, and made all the proper appearances at all the right charity events.
I spent my hours away from school either in study for my courses or doing community service of one sort or another. Well, saying it was of one sort or another isn’t an accurate statement.
When I sat down to record my story, to tell people the person who died, I never intended to tell about this part of my story. It’s a common thread, though, between the person I expected to be and the one that I became.
Take a moment in time. When this moment was isn’t important. It’s summer, in the morning. I’m getting out of my white Porsche. Yes, the teen with brown hair and green eyes is me. He’s handsome in a vague sort of way. His khaki slacks and button shirt fit his frame well. He has a healthy look to him that has nothing to do with high priced spas or the other activities of the rich and idle..
The Porsche and the outfit are incongruous with the surroundings. They would fit in well at a country club or a top flight hotel. He’s standing on a cracked sidewalk next to a road that’s more pothole than asphalt. There’s a grin on his face as he walks up to a plain metal door embedded in a graffiti covered wall. The smell of chlorine assaults us the moment the door opens and the sound of children splashing and shouting can be heard.
He enters the small staff change-room and switches out of his street clothing and into a bright red lifeguard tank top and swim trunks.
His whistle is the last thing he puts around his neck. I can, even now, remember the feelings that those simple clothes gave me. It made me feel empowered in a way that almost nothing else in my life has ever done.
He walks out of the locker room and onto the deck surrounding the pool. The noises that are coming from the pool would seem to be those of pre-teens, but the bodies are definitely teen aged. He walks up to the person on duty and waves as he arrives.
“Hey, June, how are the kids today?”
“They’re impatient for their favorite teacher.”
“Andrew!” says a girl who looks sixteen but acts like she’s five. She runs over and hugs Andrew getting him soaking wet and he just smiles and laughs.
“Hello, Lisa. Miss me?”
“I missed you lots, Andrew. I haven’t seen you in years.”
He was here last week, but that doesn’t matter to Andrew and he doesn’t correct her.
“Are we going to learn how to swim, or what?”
“Swim!” shouts one of the boys from the pool.
Andrew hops into the pool and spends the next couple of hours teaching the teens how to swim. He’s exhausted when he finishes, but he’s happier than any other part of his life makes him.
“You’re really good with these kids, Andrew. You know that, right?”
“Yeah. I’m going to miss you all next year.”
“You’re parent’s still determined to ship you off to…”
This moment, this place and time, shaped who I was, shaped who I became.
When I left for college, going to the place my parents had dreamed for me, I was leaving the only real family I’d ever known. Those kids, children in bodies that outgrew their minds, were more of a family for me than the one I left behind.
I packed the few things I would be bringing with me into my first real moment of freedom into my car. A few changes of clothing, my laptop, tablet and cell phone, and the bits of paper or plastic that identified me as male, 18, and a citizen of the United States with the legal right to work or gain an education.
The sun was setting behind the trees on the campus when I pulled up in front of the dorms. It makes an interesting tableau, but I’m more interested in finding my room and beginning to settle in. Everything I’m bringing with me fits within a single bag. My parents were paying me to be here, so I could afford to buy a whole new wardrobe, new furniture, and so on. I just needed to decide who I am before I began buying anything.
I knew who my parents wanted me to be. Now I had to decide who I wanted to be.
The halls were deserted. There were the sounds of life coming from behind many of the doors, but with it being two weeks before the beginning of classes the people here were either pushing through and taking summer term classes, or they simply had nowhere else to go.
The door to my room was locked and there was no answer to my polite knock. I unlocked the door and entered. I was assaulted by the smell of stale air and dust kicked up by the movement of the door. There was only a single bed in the room, which I considered a little weird until I realized that there was only a single desk in the room as well.
“Oh, are you the new RA?” a voice said from behind me, startling me out of my reverie.
“Hm what?”
“The new RA. This is the RA’s room. We haven’t had one this summer and I was just wondering if you were it…”
“Is this a co-ed dorm?” The girl standing behind me was pretty in a girl-next-door sort of way. She was wearing men’s jeans, but a very tight ladies tee.
“What? Oh, this. No, I’m a guy.”
My jaw dropped and I just stared at her. “You’re a guy?”
“Yeah, I just like dressing up.”
“Are you gay?”
“What about being a cross-dresser would make you think I was gay?”
“You’re dressed as a girl.”
“I do it for the attention. It’s kind of nice when people notice you. I saw you looking at my chest.”
My face heated, but I wasn’t even tempted to look down at her blatant mention of her breasts. “Of course I looked, because that’s what you do with a pretty girl. You don’t stare, however,” I said with a nice smile. “Are you really a guy?”
“Yeah,” he said in a deep tenor voice that was at odds with the way that he looked.
“Too bad,” I replied beginning to grin, “because you’re really cute.” It was her turn to blush and I just laughed.
After she joined me I answered her original question, “I’m not the Resident Advisor, or at least not as far as I’m aware. I wouldn’t think I would be one, considering I’m a freshman this year.”
“Mr. Collins, so glad to see you here already. I’d hoped to be able to air out the room before you arrived. You made excellent time I see,” an out of breath voice said from down the hall.
I turned to see an overweight man in his fifties rushing down the hall. He was beaming at me as he rushed over, and he looked to have been running as he was completely drenched in sweat. I couldn’t even hold it against him as he was just such a jolly person.
“I’m Mr. Alderman, I know, an apropo name for a man in my position. I manage student housing. When we heard about your work with Forever Swim, we thought you would be perfect for this position.”
“I was just a part time swim instructor.”
“And your coworkers and supervisor all can’t stop talking about you,” Mr. Alderman replied, “You’re a special young man, Mr. Collins.”
“Lee, please. Just call me Lee.”
“Ok, Lee...Jared? You’re not hassling Mr. Collins are you?”
“Who? Him? It so happens he asked me out on a date.”
“Are you gay?” Mr. Alderman said, giving me a look that gave special emphasis to the word. For once he wasn’t smiling.
“I didn’t ask her for casual sex, Mr. Alderman. As long as she looks and acts like a proper young lady I would have no problem being seen in public with her.”
“But he’s…”
I stood up to my full six foot height, towering a good four inches over the ball of grease, “Mr. Alderman, as long as she looks like a woman, you will be good enough to refer to her as such.” There was steel in my gaze. One thing I’d learned from my time teaching those kids to swim was that it wasn’t right to belittle anyone, for any reason. this young woman maintained that she was simply a cross-dresser, and until she told me differently then that is what I’d assume she was. No matter what she believed, though, I would treat her as a woman when she looked like one, and like a man otherwise.
He swallowed and then tried to get his smile back, “your parents informed me that you would only be staying long enough to pledge to Phi Beta Kappa, and I figured that you’d be able to be the RA here until then.”
“Why doesn’t anyone want to be the RA here?”
“Haven’t you heard, Lee? We’re the freaks and geeks down here in F hall. The people no one wants in ‘their’ upstanding dorms are all banished here,” the girl said with a little smirk.
“So it is a co-ed dorm.” I said, again smiling at the girl. She began blushing again.
“Yes, but not on this floor. The bottom half of the building is for the guys and accessed with the south stairwell and the top half is the girls accessed through the north stairwell.”
I turned back toward Mr. Alderman and gave him a smile, “so, you figured that since I worked with ‘special needs’ kids that I’d be fine working with your...Freaks Hall?”
He turned a little green at my tone. I didn’t care for his attitude so I guess we were even.
“I don’t much like being considered ‘special needs,’” the girl murmured from beside me.
“See, she doesn’t like you treating her this way. I’ll be the boy’s RA if only to bring a little humanity in here.”
“Until you pledge for ΦΒΚ?”
“Until then,” I say with something that could pass for a smile if you were being charitable.
“Good, I’ll leave you to it then,” and with that, Mr. Alderman waddled stately away.
“So, do have any dressier clothes than these?” I said as I turned back to the girl.
“Why?”
“For our date? I plan on hunting out some of the choicer spots here around campus and it will require something a little more than jeans an a tee shirt, even if you do look very good in that tee shirt.”
Her blush belied her following statement, “I’m not really into guys. I told you that.”
“Neither am I, thank goodness,” I replied with a gentle smile. “I know, we haven’t been properly introduced. I’m Leonard Andrew Collins the Third. Pleasure to make your acquaintance,” I said offering my hand.
“You’re…”
“Yes, I am,” I said with another winning smile. “And you are?”
“Oh, Jared Kowalski.”
I just arched my eyebrow at her and she blushed again. She was obviously a little flustered and I found it really attractive.
“Fleur D’Alise”
I snorted at this. “You’re name is Fleur de Lis?” I said pronouncing it in the french manner. They drop final ‘s’es all over the place.
She laughed at that. “I didn’t even realize I’d done that. I need to change my name.”
“Don’t” I said with another of my patented smiles, “I like it, Fleur. So, meet back here at...8? That will give me 2 hours to scrounge something up myself.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re a pretty girl and I like spending time with pretty girls.”
“I’m not a girl,” Jared said. He changed his posture and dropped his voice into his normal register.
“When you dress and act like one? You are. If you act like a guy in a dress, then no, you’re not. Fleur, all you have to do is say ‘no’ if you really don’t want to go out with me.”
“I’ve already said no,” she said as her posture and voice went back to girl-mode.
“Nope, you haven’t. You’ve given me excuses and reasons why we shouldn’t date. You haven’t once actually said ‘no.’”
“No...you’re right. I haven’t...wait date as in tonight…”
“As in as long as you will put up with me.”
“You’re not gay,” she said, her mouth hanging open a bit
“And right now you’re not a guy,” I ignored the fact that she didn’t include herself in that statement this time.
She turns to rush off down the hall and I called after her, “you never gave me an answer.”
“Yes, ok? Yes, I’ll date you.”
Two hours was just enough time for me to visit the tailor that my dad provided me an introduction to. He was professional and while I didn’t get a custom made suit to order for the evening, at least I left in something that fit well and I looked good in.
The custom suit would be ready in two weeks time.
My room was still a bit musty so I opened the windows and got out a couple of rags from my bag to begin dusting down the surfaces. I’d just finished and sat down in the hard wooden chair in front of my desk when Fleur knocked on my open door.
“You know,” she said, playing with a curl of hair that hung down the side of her face, “if we’re going to be dating you might as well relax the whole segregation by floors thing.”
“Nope, not going to happen,” I said with a smile. and stood up. She was wearing a blue satin dress that bared her shoulders and back. The cut took it out of the prom-dress space, but she still looked like a princess in it.
“What did your room-mate think of you going on a date?”
“Didn’t tell him. I stopped by the third floor and a couple of girls I know there helped me out. This is Gabby’s dress actually.”
“Well, you’ll have to thank Gabby for me later then, because you’re beautiful.” She blushed and I offered my arm to escort her out to my car. After helping her into the passenger seat I got and and started the engine.
“Why are you doing this?”
“Because I like dating nice girls. That and the fact that I’m not looking for a physical relationship right now with anyone. I figure that you’re the perfect one to date. You’re not going to expect it to progress any farther than just dating, and neither am I.”
“What happened to treating me like a girl while I look like one?”
We came to a stop at a red light and I looked intently over at her, “Are you telling me that you’d have sex with me, right here, right now if I asked you to?”
“No,” she said and blushed bright enough that it was visible in the dim light.
“Then why are you upset?”
“Because I want to feel desirable, and you’re telling me you’re dating me because I’m not.”
“Fleur, the only thing keeping me from actually...ok, that’s a misleading statement. Jared knows how it is: Guys have a tendency to think about sex...a lot. I’m sure girls do as well, but guys get the rep for doing it all the time. That dress makes me think about sex. It makes me wonder what you’d look like wearing nothing but a smile as the moonlight plays across your skin. You are desirable.”
“Oh,” she says softly and then giggles to herself, “sorry. Are you sure you’re hetero?”
“Reasonably.”
“Only reasonably sure?”
I laughed and just focused on my driving for a bit. I could tell she was watching me, which made me feel...something I wasn’t prepared to explore. My GPS told me I’d reached my destination so I pulled into the parking lot for a reasonably upscale restaurant.
“Tell me something,” I said as I turned off the car. “Why do you do this? Why do you dress up?”
“For the attention.”
“That can’t be all of it.”
“I like messing with people’s minds. I love to see how they react when they find out I’m really a guy, and have been all along.”
“Have you ever kissed a guy?”
“Yeah, a couple of times. Never really got into it though. It never felt really right.”
“I can see that.”
“I don’t think you can. It’s not about it being a guy or a girl I’m kissing. I’ve kissed girls who never did it for me either.”
“While dressed?”
“Once or twice,” she said with a smile.
“And?”
“It was the same either way for me. If I like the person, then it is a wonderful experience. If I don’t really like the person, then it is sort of blah.”
“That sounds more like girl than guy to me…”
“Tell me about it. No, I’m a guy, I know I am. This isn’t just some sort of put on where I’m trying to convince myself. If I wanted to transition, my parents would support it. They even let me dress at home for years. I went to therapists and such and finally came to the conclusion that I love to wear women’s clothing. A bit of it is fetishistic.”
“Meaning you get off doing it?”
“Sure...I love being desired, and being desired really get’s me hot.” She realizes what she’s said and she blushes a deep red. I laughed at her in a jovial manner and eventually she joined in.
“yes, I admit, that you’re making me horny right now.”
“Well, I’ll make sure you have ample time to take care of that before classes tomorrow.”
“I appreciate it,” she replied with a throaty growl.
I took that as my cue to get out of the car and walk around to her door. I offered my hand and helped her to stand. The night was a little chilly so I offered her my jacket as we walked across the lot. We were seated quickly, it being mid week, and we talked about a lot of inconsequential things until about one in the morning when they kicked us out.
I dropped her off at her door and it was almost physically difficult to pull myself away without giving her a kiss. I settled for a hug and then retreated to the safety of my room.
I’d never actually gotten her phone number so I had no way to call her, and she didn’t make an appearance at my door the rest of the week, so I did the best I could to put her out of my mind. When monday rolled around and I still hadn’t seen her I stopped by her room to see if she was alright.
A guy who looked vaguely familiar answered the door.
“Lee?” he said in a voice I recognized from even the few times that I’d heard it.
“Is your roommate in?”
“Not currently, why?”
“I wanted to know you were alright. Sorry, I shouldn’t have done this.”
“You were looking for Fleur, weren’t you.”
“Yes, I was, because I can’t stop thinking about her, I mean you. you’re in my mind all the time, and I’m afraid of what it might mean.”
He laughs in a sort of relieved way and I just look at him questioningly.
“Dude, I know exactly what you mean. Only for me, every time I’ve seen you around the dorm it makes me want to go get changed and seek you out.”
“This is weird.”
“Why?” he asked warily.
“Because I can see some of her in you, but with how you look now, it’s more of a bro thing going on. We share a lot of interests.”
“Just cause both of us like obscure anime titles that are only available with subtitles doesn’t mean we have anything in common.”
I laugh and he joins right in. There’s a difference to the way he laughs. It’s more open, more free, while he’s a guy. There always seemed to be a front to him, a point beyond which he wouldn’t go while he was being a girl and the realization broke my heart. He really was a guy. Fleur wasn’t real and no matter how much I wanted her to be, it would always just be a front, a costume.
“What’s wrong?”
“I think I’ve fallen in love with a fantasy,”I say softly.
“So have I,” he said in his Fleur voice and I hug him.
“We can still hang out, right?” was the first thing out of my mouth when I let him go.
“Possibly, but I need some space to get my head on straight, Lee.”
“I get that,” I replied softly.
The next week went quickly. Being an RA is a lot like teaching those kids how to swim, and I laughed every time that I thought that. Mr. Alderman knew what he was doing when he put me in here. Even though I was one of the younger kids in the hall, the very fact that I was living in the RAs room meant that I had authority over them.
Mostly it was dealing with petty disputes and keeping the guys and girls segregated after 10 pm. Once in a while I was their confessor or their therapist, but thankfully those moments were few and far between.
I don’t know about other schools, but the first week of classes was greek week. After visiting all of my monday classes and picking up the syllabuses for each of them I made my way over to the Phi Beta Kappa house. There were a number of boys lined up outside while some of the older brothers yelled at them as if this were boot camp and not some hazing ritual.
Well, almost like boot camp.
“Those pants are most definitely not Ralph Lauren. How do you expect to fit in here if you can’t even find a decent knock off?”
I had to laugh as I walked up to the house.
“Something funny?” The guy who was screaming at the pledges asked?
“I seem to remember you not knowing the difference yourself not three years ago, Remy.”
“Do I know you?”
“Leonard Andrew Collins the Third”
“Trip?”
“Mostly go by Lee nowadays, but yeah.”
“You pledging?”
“Of course I am. My father would have a buffalo if he thought I was even considering not pledging his fraternity.”
The other boy laughed and then his face got serious. “Then get your pretty princess behind in line, Trip, before I have to come over there and frog walk you into position.”
I leap into action and put myself at the end of the line.
“Princesses, this here is Trip. He’s a legacy. Six generations of Collins’ have been members of Phi Beta Kappa. He doesn’t get special treatment, so you shouldn’t expect it either.”
I stifled a laugh and looked suitably cowed while Remy continued to rail at us about how poorly turned out we were. Jared appeared out of nowhere after about fifty minutes and began making faces at me while we were standing at attention. We weren’t supposed to move a muscle while the frat members yelled at us, dumped stuff on us, and generally made asses of themselves. There was a crowd of people who were taunting all of us as well. One of my ‘tormentors’ noticed Jared in the crowd and called out, “If it isn’t the Queen Bee herself. Why don’t you come on over and give these guys a kiss?”
Two of the other guys grabbed onto his arms and began dragging him over. I stepped out of line and walked over to them. “Let him go,” I said quietly.
The boy on the left turned with a smile on his face which leapt for cover the moment he realized how close I was, and how much bigger than him I was. The resulting expression was somewhere between shock and abject horror.
“Get back in line, Trip. Let them take care of the fairy.”
“Remy, Jared here isn’t one of your pledges. You can do whatever you want to us because we signed the waiver. Jared on the other hand hasn’t signed your waiver. Unless you want the school shutting down the house, then I suggest you back off.”
“Who’s going to tell them what we did? Even if the little queer rats us out who will listen to it over us?”
“They’ll believe me over you, considering that I’m an RA and what are you? A random frat member?”
He began to laugh a bit but then he realized I wasn’t joking. They released Jared and he opened his mouth to say something and then he saw my expression and shut it with a snap.
I walked over and took my place back in line as if nothing had happened. They started to focus on me, but I let it all roll off. This was only temporary after all and nothing they could say could compare to anything I’d had to endure at home.
It was a sore, tired, and smelly version of myself that finally dragged into my room at two in the morning. I didn’t realize anyone was in my room with me until I smelled her perfume.
“Hi,” Fleur said shyly.
“Fleur? What are you doing in my room?”
“I waited for you. What you did for me today...no one has ever done that for me before. People are willing to accept me for one side or the other. They make assumptions about me. I dressed like this for you, as a thank you.”
“Fleur, thank you, I appreciate it, but I’m too tired not to do something I regret.”
“Then let me properly thank you,” she said and she was in my arms and kissing me before I could say another word. My body reacted to the feel of her and the smell of her and my pants were painfully tight almost instantly. My breathing raced along with my heart and I could feel her breath push past our lips almost as forcefully.”
“Wow,” she said when she broke the kiss.
“Yeah,” I said a little dazed.
“You really stink.”
I laughed and swatted her on the behind as she slipped out of range. I wasn’t as tired anymore so I got my shower stuff together so I could wash the funk off my body.
School was simple enough for me, it being early days yet, and the hazing was nothing more than the first day. The numbers of pledges slowly dwindled until we got to the final induction ceremony on Friday. We were blindfolded and marched all over campus, or so it felt, in our underwear. We could hear the other students laughing at us, but each of us knew that this was almost over. We were about to be part of something bigger than ourselves, even if I really wanted nothing to do with it all.
Having something to throw back in your father’s face, to prove you were living the life he wanted was worth the humiliation for me by itself.
“Before we continue, I need to know if any of you have bad reactions to nanotech?”
There were murmurs of no from the other pledges and I just shook my head. The ripped the blindfolds from our eyes and holographic torch light almost blinded me for a moment or two as my eyes became adjusted to the light. There was quite a crowd around us and a row of bottles without labels on them.
“Trip, step forward!”
I stepped forward and Remy tossed a tee shirt at me. It was in a ladies cut.
“You’re going to want this in a moment.” I pulled the shirt on. It was tight, as if it was a size or two too small. They handed me a potion that seemed to be purple in the dim light of torches which meant it was likely blue.
“So you can join the other half,” Remy said only to be joined a moment later by a chant of “Drink it!” from the crowd.
I downed the potion and walked back into line. One by one the other pledges took their potions. I began to feel a little weak in the knees and my chest felt tight. I said something like, “I don’t feel right,” and then the ground leapt up to hit me. Pain like I’d never known before pounded at me from all directions and I began to scream. People began running around and some of them pulled out cell phones. My heartbeat began to slow even as I began to feel way too warm.
“Lee?” I heard a familiar voice say and I was picked up off the ground as if I weighed nothing.
“Hey, Fleur,” I said looking up into her beautiful face. My heartbeat slowed even more and I could feel it pounding at the inside of my chest. “We have to stop meeting like this.” or at least that’s what I wanted to say, but the world was going black, tunneling in on her eyes and I’m not sure she heard was I said.
The last thing I heard before everything faded into the darkness was, “Don’t leave me. I love you.”
It’s impossible to know what’s in someone else's mind. You can know their actions, their words or their tears but you can’t ever truly know their thoughts.
This was never more evident to me than when I met Lee. Life for me is a balance between what I want and what I need. Some days, everything is fine and I make it through without ever once feeling the pull of women’s clothing on my psyche. Some days are harder than others.
There are a lot of people in the college who believe I’m gay. It would be fine with me, if I were actually gay, but I’m not. It’s possible I’m bisexual, but that’s not even the issue here.
And that’s not even accurate. My sexuality isn’t defined by what a person looks like, but more by who a person is. I’m attracted to people who treat other people well, who are interested in what the person across from the table with them more than just in their appearance or what they can do for them.
That sentence is so convoluted, but I hope you get what I mean...and it’s getting ahead of the story.
My girlfriend was the reason that I was feeling a bit down. She was also the reason I wasn’t dressing as much anymore. She was uncomfortable walking around town with me in drag, and I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. We still went out shopping together, but even that had been slowing to a trickle in the past couple of weeks.
“Jared, we need to talk,” she said on wednesday morning the last week of the summer term. I’d just finished my last exam so I had some free time.
“Sure, Aimes. What’s up?”
“Not here, I’d don’t want to talk about this here,” she said looking around at the other people in the Commons, our student center.
We walked back to my room in silence. It wasn’t the comfortable pleasant silence that exists between people who know and trust each other and it began to agitate me. “What’s going on, Aimes?”
“Wait,” she said and then didn’t say another word until we got back to my room.
“Before you say anything, Jared, I need to have my piece. You’ve had your chance in the past to fulfil what I’ve been asking for. You could just man up and stop being such a...pansy.”
“Oh, really? A pansy? Now you, of all people, are accusing me of being gay?”
She colored slightly but that didn’t knock her off track. “Jared, you are a good friend, and a good guy, but you’re not really the one for me.”
“That’s not what you said over spring break.” I didn’t mention it’s also not what she was saying when she was screaming my name in our hotel room, unless she was faking it, which was always a possibility.
She really blushed at the mention of our time spent together over spring break, something I felt no joy over. The very fact I brought it up was petty and beneath me. “Aimes, if you’ve found someone else, then just say it. Don’t try to hide behind someone else’s arguments. I assume that you discussed all this with your new boyfriend?”
“Well…”
“Who is it?”
“Why should I tell you?”
“Because I want to know who was ‘man enough’ to steal your heart.”
“Remy,” she said quietly. For a moment I could see nothing but red as I struggled to keep my emotions under control.
“Remy? You’re dating that oversexed, low EQ neanderthal? The one who you said made you feel ‘creeped out’ everytime he looked at you?”
“He’s not that bad.”
“You just think he’s great in the sack.”
“Oh, is that from experience,” she said in a snarl.
“What?” I said, growing cold.
“Oh, he told me how you…”
“Get out.”
“Did I strike a nerve?” she taunted me.
Anything I’d thought I felt for her before faded in a flash as she continued to smirk at me. “Get out of my room, Aimes, and never show your face here again. I don’t care what he told you happened. I don’t care whether or not his buddies backed him up. They were there after all when he raped me. All of them took turns. The only reason he’s still here in school is because I didn’t want to deal with it, the accusations going into the media, his high priced lawyers dragging me through the mud. None of it.”
“Jared,” she began, reaching a hand toward me.
“Get the hell out of my room,” I bellowed at her. I kept it all together for a moment or two. I watched her face crumple and she turned and fled my room in tears. As soon as the door to my room closed I sank against it, my back to the wood, and sobbed.
I stripped off my shirt and attached the girls to my chest. There was some stubble there so the seal wouldn’t be perfect, but it would be good enough. I just needed the feel of the weight to ground me. I slipped into one of my laciest pink bras and pulled on a gamer ladies tee.
I slipped into the bathroom with my grooming kit and spent the time to make myself up perfectly. This wasn’t over the top drag makeup. It was just light and designed to change my androgynous features over the line into the feminine. My beard hair had been getting darker of late so it did take a touch more concealer than it had in the past, but only a touch. The concealer helped to even out my skin tone, anyway.
The door to the RAs room was open and someone was moving around inside. I said something about him being the new RA and he turned around. “I’m not gay,” I said aloud in way of defense at some point in the conversation, but mostly that was to assure myself that was the case.
I’d never had this sort of physical reaction to anyone before and I felt myself growing immediately hard at the way he took charge of the conversation. Painfully so.
I was thankful that he didn’t look away from my face during that conversation because my arousal would have been evident if he’d even thought to look in that direction. The idea that he was treating me as a woman, and treating me as a woman wants to be treated was putting unclean thoughts in my mind.
“Too bad,” he said with this infuriating little grin. A grin I wanted to wipe off his face with a heart stopping kiss. He continued even before my thoughts finished their course, “because I think you’re really cute.”
My mind short circuited and I felt a goofy grin erupt on my face. My heart thundered in my chest and my blood rushed in my ears. Sure, I might have reacted to him primally by his looks, but he was a really great guy that was just keeping me in this moment, this razor’s edge between lust and love and I never wanted him to stop.
He was laughing in an infectious manner and I began laughing with him. His eyes twinkled. I’d always thought that was just an expression before I met him, but he made that expression true. There was this impish light that illuminated his entire face from the inside and shone out through his eyes. It was a light that told you that he was in on the joke, whatever the joke was, and you just wanted to go along with him so he thought you were in on it all as well.
It wasn’t cruel, this light, just easy going. Light hearted.
“I’m a freshman this year,” he said and my heart stopped. He was almost two years younger than me. This wasn’t fair, in any way. He was entirely too young for me I began to think before I realized that I wasn’t a girl. Sure, it might be weird dating a younger guy if I were really a girl, but in this situation…
It only occured to me in that moment that I wasn’t thinking of myself as guy or girl in that moment. More specifically I’d been just assuming I was yin to his yang. I was his opposite and I was okay with that. Whatever he needed me to be, I would be.
“Mr. Collins…” Mr. Alderman said from the end of the hall and began speaking to, I assumed, the boy standing next to me. He was pulling his normal wheedling trick of convincing people to do something they didn’t want to do. Making it all seem like your idea at the time and never once letting you pick any other choice.
Sure, his smile seemed genuine, at least until you really got to know him. Mr. Alderman was a bigoted little prick.
“When we heard about your work at Forever Swim …”
My opinion of Mr. Collins rose a notch when I heard that he’d worked with Forever Swim. They were an organization that I donated money to every year. Seeing his toned lean body it made me wish I’d donated time to as well.
“Lee,” Mr. Alderman began repeating Lee’s name and then seemed to see me for the first time. “Jared? You’re not hassling Mr. Collins are you?”
“Who? Him? It so happens he asked me out on a date,” I said with a smug smile. Mr. Alderman wasn’t going to get my goat this time. If at all possible, I was about to get his.
“Are you gay?” Mr. Alderman said rounding on Lee. The claws finally come out, I thought as I saw that. I could help but smile in anticipation. His response shocked me to the core.
“I didn’t ask her for casual sex, Mr. Alderman. As long as she looks and acts like a proper young lady I would have no problem being seen in public with her.”
Every time I turned around Lee was showing me a new facet of his personality, and the more I saw the more I realized I was lost.
“Mr. Alderman, as long as she looks like a woman, you will be good enough to refer to her as such.”
Lee was standing up for me, and everyone else in the hall and he did it without needing to. He was normal, and everyone considered him normal, and yet he was standing there, staring down someone in a position of authority for me.
His next statement almost destroyed my attitude toward him, “so, you figured that since I worked with ‘special needs’ kids that I’d be fine working with your...Freaks Hall?”
“I don’t much like being considered ‘special needs,’” I hissed at him. How could he be so awesome one moment, and then begin pitching in with Mr. Alderman and the idiots like him in this school. I was all ready to walk out on both of them right there and then, but something about Lee’s posture made me want to stay.
“See, she doesn’t like you treating her this way. I’ll be the boy’s RA if only to bring a little humanity in here.”
“Until you pledge for Phi Beta Kappa?”
Everything sort of went away as I became cold at the very mention of that fraternity. All of the happy feelings went away. He began to push me about our date again and I was angry at him, at Mr. Alderman and most especially at myself. He was just another entitled prick in a long line of entitled pricks here on their parent’s dime, putting it to the rest of us because they could.
I agreed to his date, hoping to be able to embarrass him during the course of the evening. He’d given me two hours to get ready and I planned to make the most of it. I shaved my chest and legs, and covered myself in scented lotion. My closet betrayed me. Most of the clothing I had left was for hanging around campus, not for giving assholes a taste of what they were missing and would never even get the chance to have.
I slipped on a pair of shorts and a tank top and went around to the entrance to the north stairs. I’d wondered, often, who’s bright idea it was to put the girls on the third and fourth floors of the hall, but right now it just gave me some more time to let go of the anger that was boiling just under the surface.
“Gabby!” I said pounding on the door to her room. She opened the door looking bleary eyed and her hair was sticking out in all directions.
“What is it, Fleur? Do you have any idea what time it is?”
“Yeah, it’s seven pm.”
“Right, too early, come back in an hour.”
“An hour will be too late,” I whined at her and she really looked at me for the first time.
“Wait...who has you so pissed off right now?”
“The new RA.”
“And why does the new RA have your panties in a twist?”
“He asked me on a date,” I replied quietly.
“So, tell him no,” she said and began to close the door.
“Gabby!” I whine again and stomp my foot. “I can’t do that. I already said yes and I have to be ready in an hour.”
“Why?”
“Because he’s an asshole,” I said with all the venom that I could inject into four words.
“Laura, get up. Fleur has a date.”
Laura crawled out from the pile of blankets that graced the only bed in the room. It was just one more example of the idiocy that was the administration of the school. Segregate the boys and the girls, but it was fine to allow lesbians to room together.
If I wasn’t still so pissed off about Lee’s behavior it might have gotten me to laughing.
“Who’s the lucky girl?” Laura said as she stood and stretched. She was completely naked and wasn’t moving very quickly to the clothing strewn across the floor.
“He’s the new RA,” I said through clenched teeth. Laura knew I wasn’t attracted to her, but that never stopped her from flirting with me. She was entirely too shallow for me to be interested in that way. It didn’t mean I didn’t like the girl, I just couldn’t see myself dating her.
“Why am I doing this,” I said as soon as the thought struck me. “Why didn’t I just tell him ‘no.’”
“Cause you’re hot for him, duh,” Gabby said with a smile and I smiled back at her. We’d tried to date once or twice. I was just too much man for her. She liked me well enough, but she had a lot of body image hangups where her partners were concerned.
“No, I hate him. He’s entitled and stuck up and pledging Phi Beta Kappa and…”
“Wait, and you’re still dating him?” Laura said in a hoarse whisper.
“What is wrong with me?”
“Is he that hot?” Gaby asks me softly.
“He’s nice, at least I think so, but there are moments where I just think that he’s like everyone else in his tax bracket.”
“So, he’s rich?”
“I guess. He didn’t bring any bags with him and talked about visiting a tailor in town for his clothing for tonight.”
“What a snob,” Laura said with a sneer.
“No, he’s not like that.”
“I thought you said he was a jerk.”
“He is...but he did work for Forever Swim.”
The two of them blinked at the apparent non-sequitur and I explained about the charity...and the entire conversation downstairs
“So, he does charity work with kids with disabilities, he didn’t oogle your breasts, even before he knew they were fake,” Laura said and I glared at her.
“Well, they are still fake, aren’t they?”
“They’re still enhancement, if that’s what you mean. I see you still use padded bras, Ms. B-cup.”
She glared at me and Gabby laughed at the two of us. “Will you to cut it out? Laura, get some clothing on. Fleur still isn’t interested.”
Laura huffed and began getting dressed.
“Fleur, if you are this pissed at him, why are you going on a date with him.”
“It’s because she doesn’t want to be pissed at him.”
Gabby and I turned and looked at a now dressed Laura. “What?” I said.
“It’s simple, really. You are really attracted to this guy, but your male self, who still insists he isn’t gay, is trying desperately to find a reason to push away, while your female self is looking for any reason to leap in with both feet and let him fuck you until your eyes roll back in your head and you are completely sated.”
“Laura,” Gabby said a little shocked with her language.
“No, I can’t, Laura. I want to hate him because I can’t let that happen ever again.”
“Sweetie,” Gabby says as she comes over and puts her arms around me.
“I want him, Gabby, and that terrifies me. I want him in a way I’ve never wanted anyone else, ever in my life. I can feel that he completes me.”
“Sexually?” Laura said with a smirk.
“My soul,” I said reverently. “My heart calls out to him, and I can hear his heart respond. For the first time ever I really wish I’d been born a girl.”
The other two just stare at me and I smile half heartedly at them, “you know what I mean. You know my entire story.”
“Why didn’t you become a girl before this? That’s something I never understood,” Laura says to me. For the first time I’m seeing a depth to her that I never knew was there because her expressing isn’t taunting or teasing. She’s looking at me like a friend and she seems to really want to know.
“I guess because I still think of myself as male, even when I’m dressed to the nines in the slinkiest, sexiest skirt I can find. The idea that some guy is seeing a girl and desiring her and knowing the girl is really me turns me on.”
“You fantasize about showing your schlong to some guy during sex.”
“Yes,” I said, blushing bright red.
Laura laughs, but not unkindly and I smile back.
Gabby gets a thoughtful look on her face and then begins rummaging through her closet. She picks out a deep blue gown and holds it up against me. It’s backless, but it goes all the way to the neck in a collar arrangement that will leave my shoulders bare as well. I’m straining against my panties at the very thought of wearing that dress.
“I could never…”
“You can, and you will, Fleur. Wear this dress.”
“But I don’t want him to want me,” I say, but my heart is telling me a different story. It’s pounding against my chest and willing me to take a step forward and touch the dress. My hand begins to move almost of it’s own accord. They laugh and I feel my cheeks heat.
“Fine, I’ll wear the dress.”
I slip out of the shorts and top and then I take off my bra. I slipped into the dress and situated my breasts in the build in cups in the front of it. The air passing across my back was sexy in a way that nothing else I’d ever worn had ever been. It was uncomfortable to sit on my trapped manhood with how aroused I was, but sat I did and let Gabby and Laura work.
I was no slouch at making myself look good in drag. For me, it wasn’t a matter of looking glamorous, even though I’d done that a time or two. It was about making myself look authentic, and most of my talent was focused in being normal. Because of this, I would go as light as possible on my makeup, wearing the bare minimum of concealer. I’d considered getting a nano-hair removal treatment to completely kill all the follicles on my face, but that always seemed a betrayal of my manhood before.
Sitting there, watching as Gabby and Laura transformed me from a plain jane into a vision of beauty, I decided something. It didn’t matter whether or not I could grow a beard. I was a man regardless of any outward trappings, and I was a man regardless of whether or not I was going out on a date with Lee.
They’d piled my shoulder length hair up on top of my head with lots of pins and hairspray. A curl of hair on either side framed my face and softened the harder lines of my face. My makeup was dramatic without being over the top and I had that smoky eye look that I’d envied without ever being able to reproduce.
I gathered up my purse and made my way downstairs. Lee’s door was open when I arrived. I took a moment or two to stand there and just admire his back and shoulders. The jacket he was wearing fit his frame perfectly and made me want to run my fingers across the material and feel the muscles underneath.
A simple knock on the open door got his attention and he turned to look at me. His initial reaction was all I could have ever hoped for. It seemed he was speechless and after a moment or two I said, “You know if we’re going to be dating you might as well relax the whole segregation by floors thing.”
He laughed it off and we made our way to his car. It was implied that he was loaded. Him driving a Porsche really pounded the point home. That’s not even really accurate. It was more the fact that he drove a Porsche but he didn’t really care that he drove a Porsche. It was almost as if he were driving a Dodge or even a Toyota.
It made me even more angry, but not at him this time. It made me angry at myself. He was a good guy from everything that I saw, but I kept trying to cast him in the horrible light. Never before in my life have I ever really wanted to use the cliche of it being me and not him...and actually mean it.
He talked with me as we drove. He listened to my responses and I could feel myself responding to him as we continued. He made me feel special the entire time we were in the car. When we parked at the valet parking stand I sat there for a moment trying to decide how I was going to get out of the car without ruining my dress when my door opened and Lee was standing there with his hand offered to me.
My heart melted and I let him help me to my feet. As we walked he put his hand at the small of my back. The feel of his skin on my bare back ignited a fire within me and I could help but smile at the Maitre D’ as he walked us to our table. Once there Lee was again leaping to my aid. He helped me into my chair with a practiced ease and I settled myself in for the dreaded ‘first date chat.’
With everything else Lee had done right, I should have assumed he would know how to do this as well.
“So, where are you from,” I started the moment the Maitre D’ left.
“Do you really want to know that or are you trying for small talk?”
“Small talk,” I said with a grin.
“Well, then, try this one on for size. What motivates you? What get’s you out of bed every morning and dressing and going to class? Why are you taking summer classes when most of your classmates are just relaxing for three months?”
“That was three questions.”
“Beautiful and smart too,” he replied without ever really responding to my little quip. He just cocked his eyebrow and waited for me. It wasn’t an impatient sort of waiting, or even the inequality of an instructor waiting for a student. It was the strength of a deep patience. He knew I would eventually answer, and he was content to simply watching me as I waited.
I smiled and responded, “words. Words get me out of bed in the morning and torment my sleep. I love the way that words form thoughts and can be rearranged into different throughs just by changing their placement. They have a never ending array of combinations that can keep surprising you.”
“There are a finite number of words in the english language.”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“If there are a finite number of words then there are a finite number of combinations.”
“But there isn’t any fixed length to a sentence.”
“Sure there is.”
I grin at him, enjoying the conversation a lot more than I thought I would, “I’ll bite,” I said showing my teeth as I said it, “how long does a sentence need to be?”
“Just long enough to finish it’s thought. No shorter and no longer. The most famous two word sentence in english literature proves that.”
I couldn’t even come up with a reply to that. I had no idea what he was talking about. My confusion must have been evident because he explained, “The bible, as translated in the King James edition has a two word verse, ‘Jesus wept.’ It has both subject and a reflexive verb. It is the smallest idea that can be expressed in english. It encompases everything that needed to be said.”
“Says the man who is taking an entire paragraph worth of sentences to define it.”
“Just because I’m not concise doesn’t mean that I can’t be.”
“Oh really?”
“I love you.”
“What?” I said as my heart pounded in my chest and I felt everything move away from me.
“That sentence. It’s something every one of us has likely said in the past. It is everything we need to say in that special moment.”
“I need a drink,” I said as I caught my breath.
“Wait, did you...I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean. Sorry. I like you, Fleur, but I don’t know you well enough to say that and mean it yet.”
For some reason I didn’t understand I was disappointed. I knew that he’d never meant to say that and mean it. The context of the conversation alone, not to mention our entire relationship to date, entirely precluded the possibility.
“I’d have liked it to be true.”
“Why?”
“Can you not see how great a guy you are?”
“Not really.”
“You helped me in and out of the car.”
“I didn’t want you to ruin your dress. It was just common courtesy.”
“So, you’re saying you wouldn’t have helped me if I were in jeans?”
He blushed and looked away from me and I laughed. “So, you would have helped me if I were in jeans.”
“It’s still common courtesy.”
“Considering how uncommon courtesy is right now, especially in my life, I appreciated it. Heck, it embarrasses me that you consider it so normal and I’ve never once done this for any of my dates.”
“You’ve never held the door for a girl?” he said a little shocked.
“No, not once. That changes tonight, though. It hadn’t occurred to me how difficult it could be to get in and out of a passenger seat without ruining your appearance.”
“Well, at least there is that. Something good has come of this date.”
The waiter appeared at this moment and asked for our order. “Would you mind ordering for me?” I asked him, sweetly, “I have no idea what half of this is.”
“Sure,” he said and ordered. He took charge of the moment and made it feel as if this was normal. That lacking knowledge of something wasn’t anything to be ashamed of. He even took the time to ask me what sorts of foods I liked before he made the decisions for us.
“So, are you an english major?”
“Never,” I said with vehemence.
“Then how does your love of language work into your schooling?”
“You asked me what got me out of bed every morning. You also asked me what motivated me, and that was something else entirely. You still want to hear that?”
“Of course. I want to get to know you better. There are two visions I have of you, and they just don’t fit together for me.”
“Oh, and what are those visions of yours?”
“There is boy you and girl you, of course.”
“Sorry to burst your bubble, but there is only me.”
“And you act like a girl when you’re dressed as a boy?”
“Act is the operative word. I may present myself differently, but inside, where it counts, I’m the same person.”
“Well, I like the person I’m getting to know,” he said as he looked deeply into my eyes. I had to turn away, and I blushed. What was wrong with me?. I wasn’t normally this girly, even while dressed, but at every turn he was bringing out the feminine in me, and I couldn’t truthfully say that I disliked it.
The food was amazing, and the conversation continued to be wonderful. At the end of the night I was fully ready to continue dating him. He dropped me off at my door and the only thing I could think of was what his lips would feel like pressed against me. I’ll admit to severed disappointment when all he did was hug me. He was gone before I could go in for the kiss myself.
“So, are you finally admitting you’re gay?” my roommate said the moment I slipped through the door.
Just like that the world came crashing down on me again and I was embarrassed to be in the clothing I was wearing. I felt naked under my roommates leering gaze and it pissed me off. I stripped myself naked and then peeled off my breast forms.
The only thing left of my date was my elaborate up-do. “See something you like?” I asked in my Jared voice and he turned green. He shook his head slightly at me.
“Then fuck off,” I said and gathered up a robe. I went and cleaned off my face and took down my hair, the entire time silent tears streamed down my face.
I got off campus the following morning. I’d completed all of my tests for the previous semester and I just wanted to get away from everything. Beyond just wanting to get away from my roommate I didn’t think I wanted to deal with Lee for the time being. I hiked trails and did a few free climbs. Sure, there are women who hike and climb, but the physical effort always seemed to ground me in my masculinity.
It’s nothing against those girls, but it is how it always felt to me, while I was doing it. If I’d ever done either of those things in drag then it wouldn’t have, I’m sure, but they were a part of my male life that had never overlapped with my female persona.
Monday morning everything seemed to be falling into place. My roommate had already left for the day when there was a knock at my door. I opened it to see the new RA standing there.
“Lee?” I said, frantically thinking. I was a mess, since I looked like a guy. Why in the world hadn’t I wanted to dress this morning. And there it was. I hadn’t want to dress this morning. I was having a fantasy relationship with this guy, but I wasn’t the girl he was looking for.
When he said, “I think I’ve fallen in love with a fantasy,” it was the only confirmation that I needed. I gave him an out by letting him feel that he wasn’t the only one lost in this relationship, but I wasn’t feeling it anymore. He was a really good guy and I wanted to feel that way for him, but I just didn’t.
We hugged awkwardly and he left me to my turmoil of emotions.
For the rest of the week I hung out with my friends and generally spent as much time outside the dorms as I possibly could.
I hate greek week. It is an opportunity for the least common denominator to multiply itself by hormones and alcohol. The problem was that I wasn’t above the insanity myself. My favorite thing to do during greek week was to go around to the different frat houses and taunt the pledges.
When I arrived at the Phi Beta Kappa house, though, Remy was the one tormenting the new pledges. I tried to hide in the crowd, but I couldn’t leave. Lee was a god standing amidst the mere mortals who were taunting him. While watching him I guess that I somehow let my guard down and ended up in the front of the crowd.
Remy’s goombas grabbed me and began pulling me toward him. My stomach roil at the look in his eyes. There was lust there in that look, and it reminded me of the night last fall when he’d raped me. My knees went weak and I tried futilely to pull away from the boys who were holding me.
Remy and Lee were talking quietly together and there was a gleam in Lee’s eyes as he did it. It took my addled mind way too long to realize that it was anger. “Let the fai..” Remy began, but when Lee glared at him again his mouth shut with an audible snap. “Let Jared go, boys, we have much more lively game here.”
My heart swelled in my chest and I wanted to say something to Lee, but his expression, his hate, was turned in my direction. He was just a good guy after all, but it was too late for that to mean anything for me. He’d protected me because that was what he did, but it didn’t mean anything to him. It didn’t mean anything because I hadn’t ever really let him know it should mean something.
As soon as I got back to the dorms I went into my room and got together a jean skirt and the same tee shirt I wore the first day I met him. I took my time in the bathroom, shaving carefully and applying my breast forms with equal care. Then I got dressed and applied my makeup.
It was close to six when I finally made it to his room. The door was slightly ajar so I pushed it open. There was no one there, however, and I was disappointed. I closed the door behind me and went and sat down on his bed. There were a few TV shows that I occasionally watch with new episodes on Hulu, so I watched them on my phone while I waited.
I must have fallen asleep at some point because the next thing I knew I was being awakened by the sound of someone fumbling their key in the lock. I sat up and smoothed down my skirt with my legs under me. I quickly smoothed down my hair, wishing I had a mirror to check my makeup in.
He stumbled in, smelling of alcohol and rotten fruit. He blearily looked around the room, not seeing me sitting there on the bed in the darkness. Something must have caught his attention because suddenly he turned and really saw me.
“Hi,” I said quietly.
“Fleur? What are you doing in my room?” The shock was evident on his face, but even more evident was his smile. It lit up the room and made me feel warm and wanted.
“I waited for you. What you did for me today...no one has ever done that for me before. People are willing to accept me for one side or the other. They make assumptions about me. I dressed like this for you, as a thank you.” I said the words, but I wasn’t sure if I meant them. That’s not exactly true. I knew I was lying when I said those words. Not about my gratitude that he was treating me well, but about why I’d dressed tonight. I’d dressed tonight to let him know what he was missing, and from his reaction he already knew.
“Fleur, thank you, I appreciate it, but I’m too tired not to do something I regret.”
“Then let me properly thank you.” I have no idea what possessed me to kiss him, but it was like I was possessed, or like I wanted to be possessed. There was a depth to the way he was kissing me that had me reacting on a primal level, and made me want to give myself to him without any consideration of the consequences.
“Wow,” was all I could say when he finally broke the kiss. I looked up into his eyes and he smiled down and me and said, “yeah.”
“You really stink,” I said as I continued to look up into his eyes and smiled at him. We laughed and I left him to take care of his hygiene issues.
I didn’t trust myself to be able to control my hormones if I were to visit him again that late at night, and since he spent the rest of the week with the jack-ass squat out at the Kappa house, I kept my distance. On Friday night, however, I dressed myself in a long dress and a short coat and went out to the ‘fire pit’ that the Kappas had prepared for their little induction soiree. There were a lot of people out there just having a good time, and I joined in with the festivities.
They tossed an ironic pick tee shirt at Lee and then offered him a nano-potion of some sort. Almost immediately something went wrong. Lee fell to the ground and began convulsing. I ran over to him and picked him up and held him to my chest while I dialed 911. “Lee? I’m getting you help. Stay with me.”
“Hey, Fleur,” he said with a goofy grin and then mumbled something else. I felt something pushing at me from his chest and realized that he was growing breasts.
The truth of what had happened dawned on me and I carefully laid Lee down on the ground before I rushed over to where Remy and his cronies were standing.
“What in the fuck were you thinking? You gave him a Femin-U potion? Are you insane? There have been deaths from people taking that potion.”
Even in the dim light I could see Remy pale, and he turned to run, but he ran into the police officers who had been standing on the edge of the crowd until now.
“Is what she’s saying true?”
“He’s lying.” Remmy spat at me.
“Oh really? So, that is a lie?” I said pointing at a rapidly changing Lee. He...she was getting scary thin and her breasts were huge on her narrow frame. Her shudders had slowed and instead of bringing relief that made me even more scared. I rushed over to her side and lifted her up again. In the moments since I’d held her the last time she’d lost weight and she was burning up.
“Don’t leave me. I love you. Stay with me, Lee.” I hoped that she could still hear me, but her heart beat was so quiet that I couldn’t hear it at all. I lay her on the ground and began to apply compressions to her chest. I had to keep her heart pumping. An EMT roughly pushed me aside. “We heard she drank something, what was it?” the other EMT asked me.
“He drank a Femin-U potion, I think.”
“Shit,” the EMT who’d pushed me aside said. “I need a glucose drip now, Bert.”
The second EMT pulled a clear plastic bag from his kit and expertly pushed the IV needle into her skeletal arm. The bag drained faster than I thought they were supposed to and Lee gasped. Some color came back into her cheeks, but she was still skeletal thin.
The hooked up a second bag and then a third, “this is my last one,” Bert said. This one didn’t drain instantly so they got her up on the gurney and wheeled her away.
“Please don’t let her die,” I called out to whatever gods might be listening to me. The holographic flames where the only things that replied, and they just cackled at me, laughing at my pain.